#jane could be talking about dirk or jake take your pick

[hurlyburlytopsyturvy]

a homestuck-ified meme bonanza

↓ ↓ references belooooww ↓ ↓ 

[anachronistic-falsehood]

I've been talking with my partner about Jake (homestuck jake) today and I wanted to ask you about your opinions on Jake and his relationship to romance. For normal reasons.

OKAY. I AM SO EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA. STRAP THE FUCK IN BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ESSAY THAT I THINK IS GOING TO TAKE DAYS FOR ME TO FULLY TYPE OUT. OK. I just got this ask on Oct 9 . future me i need u to write what date ur posting this on before u post it (Future me here, it is Nov 5. happy destiel putin election day everypony 👍)

SO. JAKE ENGLISH. Speaking as an aromantic person, Jake is so clearly aromantic coded, especially in Pesterquest (which is dubiously canon ofc but the PQ writers weren't pulling from nothing with his characterization, it has solid ground in canon). Jake, throughout most of the Alpha Kids' time fumbling to get into the game, was stuck in this weird love triangle with Jane and Dirk. And the thing is, he's not stupid. He likes to pretend he is, sure, because it absolves him of some responsibility (lowkey can relate, especially when it comes to romantic situations), but he's not. He's not dumb. He picks up on Jane's romantic feelings multiple times and even asks her if she likes him that way more than once. He KNOWS. But it's an awkward situation, so Jane makes excuses and tells him "no, it's not like that, I promise!" and like. Again, he's not stupid. He brushes off the question immediately like he's just pretending to believe her. He's a major people pleaser. He doesn't want to disappoint anyone, so he pretends that it's all fine so he can feign ignorance when someone does end up disappointed.

A lot of people who don't understand Jake's character think that naivety is his biggest character flaw, but it's not!!! He's not naive at all! His biggest character flaw is his selfishness. He pretends to be a clueless moron so that he doesn't have to take responsibility when Jane lies and says she doesn't like him that way, or when he ghosts Dirk, or when he asks Jane for relationship advice on her birthday. He wants to make things work with everyone, he wants to be a good partner to whoever it is that he ends up with, but he doesn't want to be responsible for any of the potential fallout. I firmly believe that if Jane had properly confessed, Jake would have taken that and they would have started dating instead. If Roxy told him she liked him, he'd probably date her! He doesn't want to turn anyone down, so he pretends to be oblivious to everyone's advances so that he doesn't have to be responsible for anyone's feelings until they explicitly confess their feelings to him. He doesn't romantically like any of them I think, he just took whoever confessed to him first.

And honestly?? Dude that was me with my first relationship in college before I realized I was aro. I knew where our relationship was going before it happened, but I pretended I didn't so we could just stay friends and keep playfully teasing each other. I found the attraction flattering, but once I was actually in the relationship, my mental health tanked because suddenly there were these expectations for romance I didn't want to fulfill. Jake avoids acknowledging the feelings of those around him so he can go on playing ignorant and pretend that he does want the relationship he puts himself in.

Jake is aro and an extreme people pleaser, which is not a good combination when he is the target of multiple people's romantic affections! He ghosted Dirk, feigned ignorance over everyone's feelings, and I honestly don't think he's meant for a romantic relationship. The expectations of it are too much. Someone get this guy a moirail or a queerplatonic partner and maybe he'll calm down.

[nekropsii]

When it comes to "Fanon Stereotypes", which characters(aside from the Alphas because they're already criminally underexplored) do you think have it the worst? Alternatively; One misunderstanding or lie per character you see shown around as some weird truth?

As far as “Fanon Stereotypes,” as you’ve put it, goes… The first examples that come to mind that aren’t Alpha Trolls are Dave, Karkat, Kanaya, Dirk and Jake in tandem, and specifically how a lot of people portray June. John’s fine, people get weird with June specifically half the time, and I’m not talking about the discourse surrounding her…

For the “Misunderstanding Passed Off as Truth” part of your inquiry… Here’s a small and random assortment:

John has literally never used :B during the entire run of Homestuck. This is a Jane thing. That is a Jane emoticon.

Rose is not good at therapy. She’s never been good at therapy. She’s a 13 year old girl armchair diagnosing her brother as gay using Freudian psychoanalysis. If you take Freudian psychology seriously… I don’t know what to tell you.

Dave’s character arc is literally not about “overcoming toxic masculinity.” Yes, this is a trait he picks up from Bro, that is undeniable, but that’s genuinely not what the focus of his arc is. His arc circles around overcoming childhood neglect and abuse. It just so happens that being a little more forthcoming with his thoughts and feelings fell in line with that. Toxic masculinity, and the head-on tackling of it, was never the crux of his development.

Please for the love of god Jade is not stupid, and she doesn’t mean nothing to the plot. She’s just forgetful and also doesn’t want to be fucking miserable. She also doesn’t “get in the way of DaveKat,” because Dave and Jade legitimately had a thing going on way before Meteorstuck even happened.

Karkat’s arc isn’t about overcoming toxic masculinity either. What. His arc is about how he was born a Mutantblood and raised in a society that hates him. He’s the fucking Second Coming of Troll Christ. There’s so much pressure on him, and none of that pressure is focused in any way on his personal expression of/experience with his own masculinity.

Dave and Karkat do not have arcs that parallel each other at all. They aren’t narratively fated to be together, they aren’t masterfully foils, or star-crossed lovers or anything. The only ways they truly parallel each other in writing is due to the fact that they’re both Knights, and therefore are both interacting with what’s most important to them in generally the same or similar ways. That’s how Classes work. Revolutionary.

Kanaya isn’t stuffy, or boring, or overly-wordy. She isn’t a “mom friend” either. She’s just an extremely awkward girl who cares a lot about her friends and is very bad at social situations. She also isn’t fashionable or cool. I implore you to look back on her dialogue and on the outfits she wears. She is a mess.

Terezi is not a manic pixie dream girl. I’m in pain. This is still going on…

Jake’s character actually does extend past him being Dirk’s arm candy, actually! Jake isn’t just a “Sexy Lamp”! He’s very, very interesting, and he can exist outside of the concept of shipping- in fact, he canonically really, really wants to exist outside of the concept of being people’s object of romantic affections!

Tavros did not reciprocate Gamzee’s feelings. I’m not knocking on people who ship them, because I genuinely could not fucking care less, but I have seen people say that Tavros reciprocated those feelings, which… No, he didn’t.

Nothing to do with a character, but Moiraillegience is a romantic quadrant. It’s inherently romantic, just in a platonic way. It is not just “best friendship”- it’s more comparable to a Queerplatonic Relationship than anything. It is, in fact, weird to Paleship two siblings.

[tomatograter]

What are your Thots on jake’s pq route?

I already wrote some about it in this post where I discuss the problem with taking dirkjake as a literal parallel to tavris (Mainly, that it’s inaccurate to both situations and misrepresents the dynamics at play) but it’s been long enough since release that I feel like I can talk about it without that criticism being taken as a personal witch hunt. TL;DR: As a general rule of thumb I don’t cite Jake’s PQ as part of his characterization, and I think basing your Jakewriting on it will only lead you astray.

I liked a lot of the Pesterquest routes and the alphas were among some of my favorites, but I think when you play the four of them in sequence Jake’s really... stands as the odd one out. It’s almost as if he’s afforded way less sympathy from the get go for some indiscernible reason, or like MSPAR took a day to say ‘I can’t stand this kid in particular’ after dealing with waaaaaaaay more mindboggling troll customs or stupid dangerous situations that tested their patience and their limits. When it comes down to it, it’s mostly an issue of framing.

Let’s go with the “Just the Alpha routes” example, because I think that makes the overall context clearer and the response/reactions it gathered (or the lack thereof) easier to understand. The alpha kids were the last 4 Pesterquest episodes. They were also afforded entire volumes just for themselves, which cemented our expectations on “oh, they’re going to really dig into unexplored territory!” and for the most part, that’s what we got! It was really nice to see the internal mechanics of Jane as someone raised within a corporate echochamber, Roxy as a grieving, isolated kid, deprived of all human contact, and Dirk as a nerdy doomsday prepper haunted by private flashes of himself as a supervillain. It all works! Those are things the alpha kids were dealing with on the background of the broader Homestuck story, things we were only hinted at as the *larger* problems played out. It makes you understand their point of view. Except on Jake's route, where nothing about his life seems to be relevant at all? 

With Jane we get discussions about HIC and her family, with Roxy beautiful passages about a mother they never met and growing up alone— Same for Dirk, who gets a whole brother zapped from an alternate timeline. But on Jake's route there's not even an expansive dialogue path dedicated to Grandma English, Skaianet, the rebellion, or the giant red ship that came and murdered her in the night and then bombed his house, leaving him trapped inside his only surviving tower. No understanding passage realizing that this kid has had to fend for himself in an island full of Actual Giant Alien Monsters trying to eat him alive, or that he cremated his guardian specifically to avoid attracting predators to the scent of fresh blood drying on her mutilated corpse at the age of an actual toddler. The text refuses to dig into any of the psychological implications or impact an environment like this could have on a kid, which is even weirder when you consider MSPAR has met and helped Vriska get out of a similar situation. The whole thing with Jane in the previous volume has just happened, even, while Jake's particularities go unremarked. He was just supposed to deal with it. And that's because a choice was made to portray all of Jake's problems in this route as sort of... single handedly Dirk's fault? Something he should have Just Dealt with?

There's not even a hint that Jake knows Hal exists. Which is important! Jake can pick out Hal from Dirk based on *verbal cues*, and the fact that he considers Hal a barrier between him and his "real friend" getting to communicate with one another is a whole point of contention (and even comedy) in the story proper. Instead of examining Jake's isolation, or grief, or how he literally locks himself in his room and plasters it with cinematic posters to pretend he's just the main lead of a wacky adventure movie in the face of the immense shitshow outside, we get brobot acting nonsensically and threatening to break into Jake's room to beat him up. 

A general reminder on brobot: He was programmed to scout the jungle and deal with predators so Jake could a) Be allowed to safely leave his room (something he simply didn't do before age 13 out of sheer terror, and we know this because dirk and jake talk about it on his birthday conversation, when he first gets brobot) and 

b) Learn how to defend himself in the case of a surprise attack, with different combat settings adjusted to his level. The brobot has a novice mode Jake feels patronized by, but pushes him up levels quickly enough. In Homestuck proper, the brobot only enters "stalking mode" after Hal gets pissy with Jake for finding him out, and forcefully switches the setting on to make Jake work for the Uranium inside it. When you take Hal out of the picture, this plotline makes no sense! Jake's route is set way before the Alphas even think of entering the game, so this particular event hasn't even happened. Jake goes on to text Roxy and she turns the stalking setting off remotely anyways, so even if brobot was programmed to murder Jake in his sleep, or jump him inside the safe zone of his room (he's not) he has literally no reason to be acting like that when he's been set to Baby Buff Up Mode.

(Brobot does end up spontaneously pulling himself apart to give Jake his reward after this)

Which brings me to my other problem with the general framing of this volume; the alpha kids don't feel present in Jake's life as friends at all. It's all "romantic options" and "shipping discourse" and MSPAR making these silly logic jumps to justify insisting on this line of query, and all it does is completely flatten out anything of interest having to do with Jake as a Person, to build up an image of Dirk as being suspicious and shady for his volume and more or less come to the conclusion that Jake sucks because he just Cant Choose Who To Date Between All His Friends! And that's why jake is just like tavros… and dirk is just like vriska! Or something. 

And just as a reminder, here's Jake talking with Roxy so I don't have to explain why that feels like a weird choice to me. (click to zoom)

And then there's the endings. On the vriska ending, MSPAR just ends up weirdly angry at jake for being such a piss baby and not getting that he's tavros and dirk is vriska so he had to… uh… take all his anger out on this 13 year old alien girl he has never met and teach her a lesson to prepare to do the same on dirk, or something. And on the other ending Jake mentions his pen pal, is zapped to meet jade, they have some non-committal greetings and then a cosplay party where Jake insists that he totally likes Lara croft not because she's a femme fatale and he relates to that, because he's never ever in his life thought of anyone being interested on him. Or Something. He likes Lara croft for normal reasons only. He wears really tiny shorts and does sexy poses because he's not aware at all of how other people find him attractive. He's just too dumb to get this, or the shipping thing, or that he's tavros and Dirk is vriska (who the hell are these people?).

Jake feels like an afterthought in the grand scope of events. Sidelined on his own episode. This volume is busy with rehashing age old fandom arguments that have little to do with his character, because said arguments were started and maintained by bored teens engrossed on fighting online instead of analyzing Homestuck; we introduce vriska for no interesting reason at all (thank god at least Jake has enough decency to say he's not into hitting on 13-year-olds, because that would have been particularly rancid.) And aside from catchphrases and old slang sprinkled liberally into his dialogue like a fog making machine, none of the motivation for the character is there. What does he want? What does he fear? Why does he act like the way he does? What would accommodating him look like? What would helping him look like? We get this on Jane's volume, Roxy's volume, and Dirk's volume. To really heart-wrenching and dramatic results, too. You get to know who they are, where they live, what they want, what they fear, what might help them get better, but Jake is just sort of There. He's a burden. MSPAR either ends this volume berating him for not doing what they want or finding him weird and confusing and like they don't know each other at all, and the fact both of those were marked as dubiously bad ends in the game files speaks for itself, I think.

[radramblog]

What happened to Dirk in Homestuck^2?

Why am I doing this to myself.

I memed a little yesterday when I was posting that article around social medias about Homestuck jokes, because once again we are in lockdown and I am therefore Stuck at Home. Canned laughter goes here. But there’s a topic related to the comic- or more specifically, its aborted sequel, Homestuck^2, that I’m interested in delving into a little bit. I’m going to avoid talking about spoilers as much as possible, but considering said comic takes place not only after the events of the massive sprawl that is Homestuck but also the more linear but still messy Epilogues, some amount of sus shit is inevitable.

Anyway. Much maligned is what the Epilogues and 2 did to everyone’s favourite decapitation target, Dirk Strider, and I have a theory as to why it happened this way.

To begin with, let’s summarise what and who Dirk is through the course of the comics. Fair warning from me, though, it’s been a while since I read through this.

Dirk Strider is a teenager who grew up in a post-apocalyptic future Earth, completely devoid of physical contact with other people and only really ever gets to talk to 3 other people, only one of whom is in anything remotely resembling a relatable situation. He struggles with self-identity, having created numerous robots including an artificial intelligence based on his own brain, aka Lil’ Hal. He’s somewhat of a control freak, and a bit of a cold aloof asshole, but means well, and is pretty gay. NBD. The kinda guy to set up a plan meticulously and thoroughly, not informing any of the moving parts even if said parts are his friends, and often involving some form of self-sacrifice.

Throughout the comic he further reckons with self-identity problems and his own self-loathing including entering a relationship with Jake which doesn’t go well and he eventually breaks off since he knows his overbearing and manipulative behaviour is Not Cool and Pretty Toxic but doesn’t know how to shut it off. Eventually he reaches the God Tier as a Prince of Heart, gaining the power to literally annihilate souls, which he never actually uses since he gets yeeted into deep (Paradox) space and then everything goes to shit. Except none of that happens because of the Retcon (aside from the God Tier bit) and we don’t actually see how that shit progressed in the canon timeline. I think. Dirk’s arc, as it were, doesn’t really come full circle- while he does assist in Dave’s character…growth? he really isn’t the focus of that conversation. This immediately precedes the action climax and there isn’t literally any dialogue after that so that’s what we’re left with.

I like Dirk in Homestuck a lot. It’s hard not to, considering the flashes heavily featuring him (Unite/Synchronise and Prince of Heart: Rise Up) are genuinely excellent, along with many of his music themes being absolute bangers. He gets to interact with Caliborn a lot, with a pretty great banter, there, and the whole splintered personality thing is a really interesting hook for a character. I think he’s my favourite of the Alpha kids, a controversial pick considering I know everyone loves Roxy so much. I think, I’m not as in tune with the fandom as that statement implies I am.

And then the Epilogues/Homestuck 2 came.

Now I read the Meat half of the epilogues first, but that’s more interesting, so we’ll tackle Candy first (this is going to get real confusing for those who haven’t read this comic, huh).

In Candy, Dirk almost immediately kills himself, citing the irrelevance of the timeline as cause, an act considered by whatever mechanism governs God Tier deaths to be Just because he hates himself (and also bc of things we’ll get into), so it actually sticks. This isn’t super relevant for the discussion, but that’s just kinda so unbelievably fucked up? Entirely? I’d imagine if you read Candy first you might get entirely turned off by this, which I’m sure a lot of people did.

Meat is where the, well, meat of post-canon Dirk is. You see, a concept very quickly introduced in the tail end of the original comic is the Ultimate Self, an idea where you somehow encompass every different timeline iteration or alternate version of yourself. This was pretty clearly tacked on to make it so characters whose arcs all happened in the retcon timeline could have their not getting an actual arc explained away, but it didn’t land then and it sure doesn’t land for me now. Anyway, in Meat, Dirk becomes his ultimate self, making him near-omniscient and able to control the fabric of the story himself- for much of this story, he is the narrator. And he uses this power to fuck with all his friends really distressingly without their knowledge (or consent), including breaking up a marriage, in order to further his own goals which largely appear to be just keep the story going so to not fade out of relevance. It’s a plot that makes no sense with his previous characterisation, but I guess now that he’s the Ultimate Self he’s a different person? But I liked old Dirk, and I don’t like New Dirk. He’s a villain now, but he made a much better anti-hero.

But this would be fine if he (or the epilogues, or Homestuck^2) were written well. But they aren’t. Dirk’s dialogue is long, painfully drawn out, with tangents that tend to amount to pure wank, misused literary references and pointless metaphors that go on and on, filling the screen with a bright orange screed that hurts to look at as much as it does to comprehend. It’s not fun. And we’ve seen Dirk communicate before, obviously, the story of Homestuck is built around chatlogs, but it wasn’t like this. He was sarcastic, dryly witty, blunt at times. Even when he was literally talking to a different version of himself it didn’t get that masturbatory.

I was so confused about what the hell happened to Dirk, because I had no idea what the hell someone writing this character was thinking when they turned him into this. And then, the 21st page of Homestuck^2 dropped.

And it all came together.

What Ultimate Dirk and Terezi are referring to is Pony Pals: Detective Pony, a children’s book about some girls who hang out with ponies and solve a mystery. It’s a real book, buy it for your 5-year-old.

Except they’re not referring to that, they’re referring to the Homestuck Canon version of Detective Pony- a birthday gift from Dirk to Jane, heavily edited and to be much more obscene and eventually developing into it’s own story, stated to be “tough, emotionally draining, but cathartic in all the worst ways possible”.

Except the quote “Remember Longcat, Jane?” and references to philosophy, dead languages, and ancient earth culture aren’t referring to the three pages of the Dirk-edited Detective Pony we see in the actual comic itself. That quote doesn’t appear there.

That image is from Detective Pony, by Sonnetstuck- the 40,000 word fanfiction from 2014 that serves as a completed version of Jane’s copy of the book. An expansion of what we see in canon. And it’s a tough, emotionally draining read, but cathartic in all the worst ways possible.

It’s a very good fanfiction.

In the later bits of Detective Pony, we can start to see the origins of what would become Ultimate Dirk’s signature style of writing. Long blocks of rambling text, orange dripping down the page, references to philosophy and history and language that go on and on. And it probably does look familiar to those who read the Epilogues and ^2. 

But there are a couple of key differences here. First of all, it’s just better written? The way these rambles circle back on themselves is so excellent, the absolute absurdity of this being written on top of a pony book for little girls, the humour (beyond some of the more immature stuff), it’s just a really well-written piece of fiction. Hell, you don’t even need to be familiar with the character of Dirk to enjoy it. It’s a harrowing piece, but it’s also self-aware- because it’s not supposed to be tough, draining, cathartic etc. just for Jane- it’s clearly that for Dirk himself.

The second part is, of course, that this is a fanfiction. It’s not canon, it’s not official, this is by someone who really likes Dirk for people who really like Dirk. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, so if you bounce off it (and I’m sure a lot did), then you don’t have to keep reading it, it’s fine, thanks for playing. As much as Homestuck^2 tried to doll itself up as “dubiously canon” it’s still the official continuation of the story, and that means if it’s as difficult to get into as Detective Pony, that’s going to be a problem for a lot of people.

The other part of it is that Detective Pony’s exploration of Dirk’s character is, well, in character. When the man himself steps in as a character in his own book, the explorations of what he is as an author, who he is as a person, make perfect sense for what we see of him at the start of the comic. He is that manipulative, blunt person, and he is aware of his faults. He’s the kind of person to hide a lamentation on his own failings inside an impenetrable maze of a story layered on top of a book about fucking ponies. Ultimate Dirk does not act like Dirk, outside of the “manipulator” angle, something that Dirk was aware of and trying to improve in the comic. But I guess people don’t have arcs, right?

It’s so interesting to see the seeds of Homestuck^2 laden within Detective Pony- because the meta angle that and the epilogues take is also represented in said fanfiction. While the nature of canon is a facet of the work, the idea of authors and narrators fighting for control of a story, different ideas in mind for the characters, one being more personally connected to them than the other, it’s all there. When I wrote about Fallout 4 in the past, I mentioned being worried that Bethesda took the wrong lessons from Skyrim- seeing something successful and trying to recapture that lightning in a bottle. I think Homestuck^2 is an extreme example of this- the writers of the comic saw Sonnetstuck’s masterwork and thought, yeah that’s great, we can do that. But they just can’t. And with the comic crashed and burning, the probably won’t ever get a chance to. Dirk is forever stuck as this amalgamation of himself that looks nothing like any individual version of him ever did.

At least we will still have Detective Pony, and many other excellent fanworks, for actually good Dirk content. I admittedly haven’t looked into much fanfic written during/post-epilogues, and I’m kind of afraid of what I’ll see- I can only hope the fanbase didn’t take the same wrong lessons as the official team did.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-04-13

Happy 4/13 upd8!  Glimpsed part of the title when I was checking but otherwise blind.

Time to liveblog this quickly and pile into RevScarecrow’s first-readthrough stream of Cascade.  It REALLY hurts to see him tortured having to read through long conversations with dyslexia, but at least he gets to draw purer enjoyment out of the huge flashes.

EDIT:  Added an important clarification from a friend to the bottom, regarding the tail end of the upd8.

Well here we go.  Whose daughter?  Candy Vrissy as Rose/Kanaya’s?  Or some weirder metaphorical Roxy/RoboRose thing.

> CHAPTER 8. A Daughter Astray

Huh, not where I thought we’d start a chapter named like that.  We can’t leave Candy so soon after cutting to it though.

JANE: Assassinations, open warfare, so-called "revolution," and where has everyone gone? JANE: They've ABANDONED me. They've taken our precious son. And now...

Are we going to see some of the beginnings of John’s plan in action, from her perspective?

> (==>)

Steven King novels???  Like an IT joke?  Sure, I guess?

DIRK: Itadakimasu.

I mean he would.  Especially the Jake-imagined version of him.

JANE: "An eye for an eye." JANE: Once we have rescued our son from their clutches, I'm going to take something of my own; something as valuable to the rebellion as Tavvy is to me. JANE: Two can play at the hostage game. That loathsome daughter of theirs should fit the bill nicely.

Okay.  That’s certainly a plan, I guess.

Wow, she really runs everything by the seat of her pants, doesn’t she.

(She seems less murderous than usual now that the spotlight of HS^2 is on her instead of Epilogue darkness, though, all things considered.  Walking back some of the negativity of the Epilogues in general.  That’s the impression I get anyway.)

> (Kids: Converse.)

Vriska, come on.

--Oh!  Oh and there’s:

That middle photo!  Harry, Roxy, and Calliope hanging out, yes!  Glad to see Candy Roxy and Callie were definitely not as distant as they appeared throughout the Epilogues when we were being convinced everything was going out-of-character as a Meat!Callie-written fanfic instead of what Roxy would plausibly actually do.  (Which... it kinda was, so they need to soften the blow by showing not everything was ruined by the way it was written.)

((And there are lots of cats everywhere, but this is outside Harry’s room so it’s all Roxy, no classpect.))

HARRY ANDERSON: so... HARRY ANDERSON: um. vriska? VRISKA: The one and o........ VRISKA: (Ughhhhhhhh) VRISKA: I mean, yeah. That's me!!!!!!!!

It’s hard to get enough of Vriska’s irritation with her reduced relevance.

VRISKA: From now on your name is just Harry. HARRY: o... k?

Dick move, but I have to thank you for shortening his chat handle there.

HARRY: but um, yeah. john and roxy are my parents.

Yeah, deal with that, Vriska.  Nice job wooing John.  :)

Aaaand then Harry’s Egbert genes kick in and he starts going off on a tangent describing a piece of media he likes with a situation barely mappable onto this one.

HARRY: ok, so have you ever seen the musical calamity jane? HARRY: i guess you probably haven't. HARRY: but so there's this part at the beginning, where the title character comes back from chicago, and she talks to all of the old-timey locals about how bizarre and new-fangled everything was, and VRISKA: Godddddddd it really is like talking to teenage John all over again. VRISKA: No I haven't seen Chastity Jane or whatever the stupid title was. It sounds like a total snooze!!!!!!!!

Calamity Jane and Chastity Jane.  Probably means nothing.

VRISKA: And anyway, what are you trying to say? VRISKA: That I sound outd8ed?

HA.  Now you’re a boomer!  Eat that Vriska.

HARRY: i mean, we've done stage fighting before, but never the real stuff. HARRY: but i bet i could learn. i took kickboxing with my mom for a month and half when i was nine.

Yaaay Roxy-style martial ar-- oh wait only a month and a half, huh?

We’ll have to see if he’s really as inexperienced and kinda-thinking-too-well-of-himself as he looks, or if this is all just a joke setup for when he proves to be pretty combat capable later.

VRISKA: He totally freaked out the first time I told him I killed some8ody. HARRY: haha, that sounds like my dad.

Harry and Vrissy look clearer together by the minute, dynamic-ways.

But now he's not so sure. Ever since hearing that one of his dad's old friends had turned up, that border between past and present has felt fainter by the minute. And as they talk, he begins to think that Vriska seems so much... fresher. More real. An actual, authentic, bona fide god from another universe. Harry can’t imagine his dad even talking to someone like her, let alone punching her in the face.

Freaking out about murder, though; that's definitely something Harry can see his father doing.

Kind of like a fresh breath of relevance, huh?  I mean Vriska had to carry a little in with her.

HARRY: i'm not allowed ONE vriska in my bedroom. HARRY: i don't even want to THINK about how much trouble i'll be in if she finds out i had TWO of them up there.

PFFFF.

And Roxy grew up the kind of mom to set those limits, huh?  Nice.  She’s definitely proving a less lonely and inscrutable mom than she was to Rose.  (And Rose had the additional disadvantages of Horrorterror- and Gamzee-induced fear- and certainty-amplification to help drive her to believe her mother hated her, on TOP of all of Mom’s glaring flaws/abuses vis-a-vis drunken responsibility-aversion.)

HARRY: of course i am freaking out vriska! HARRY: i'm freaking out what i think is probably a good amount about this. the fashionable amount of freaking out.

I’m starting to really take a liking to this asshole.

HARRY: he's going to absolutely flip his fucking lid if he ever finds out about this!! HARRY: or worse, it might just make him as miserable as before, and he'll be really disappointed in me, and then he'll just leave again, or... or SOMETHING!!

Auugh.  God damnit, Past!John, raising him to believe this.  Luckily, Current!John will most likely disabuse him of the notion at least SOMEWHAT by the end of this story.

BECAUSE JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEEELLICLES DO JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES CAN JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEELLICLES HARRY: oh fuck.

Why is he hiding the CATS poster in his room, but has a whole ringtone set up with it?  Either a global one or a John-specific one?

Is it John-specific because he has to outwardly play it cool about how much he loves and needs his dad, just like Cats?

VRISSY: Check it out, someone's already cospl8ying my fit from tod8y.

Oh nice!  Inborn popularity at work.

VRISSY: Good? It's Infuri8ing!!!!!!!! VRISSY: UGH! So many f8ke accounts pretending to 8e me. Stealing my hard-earned Clout. Fakey f8ke F8KES.

Mhmm, why give up any attention?  She wouldn’t want to share it.

VRISSY: Damn Right it's import8nt Tavros! Image is a8out as Important as it gets.

(classpect blah blah)

VRISSY: Relax Tavvy. VRISSY: You're starting to Sweat Nervously. You know I H8te it when you Swe8t Nervously. TAVROS: Thank you,, VRISSY: Th8t wasn't a Fucking H8mance Complim8nt, I do genuinely Hate it and not in a Fun Way. TAVROS: Oh,, TAVROS: I'm,, sorry,,,, VRISSY: Ugh. Whatever. VRISSY: I'm just... 8eing a 8itch. Forget about it.

Look how INCREDIBLY much more mature Vrissy is right here than Vriska ever was.

And Vrissy’s understandably a lot more worried than we are about Vriska moving in on Harry.  Even though with Vriska’s experience she would hardly be likely to see anything in him to--

Oh.  Fuck, what am I saying.  Of COURSE Vriska would be tempted to move in if it meant stealing attention from Vrissy.  I keep forgetting this is ORIGINAL VRISKA we’re talking about.  That’s got to be a conflict at some point, right?

TAVROS: I know you don't like to talk about these kinds of things,, TAVROS: Having said, on previous occasions, stuff like,, TAVROS: "Feelings are for adults and babies, not real people," TAVROS: And i'm not,, necessarily, saying that you have some unaddressed feelings, TAVROS: But,, maybe if we're going to be around her, TAVROS: You should try to be honest, about the feelings, that you don't have,,

Nailed it like a true Tavros.

VRISSY: It's Something about the W8y she Looks at him. VRISSY: The Rest of us too. VRISSY: Like we're not even Real.

That’s right.  Making it important that you be extra careful that she doesn’t hurt you, because she’ll undoubtably or neglectfully TRY.

VRISSY: And to 8e Honest, I think I Understand why! VRISSY: Everything Here is so dwee8ish and 8oring!!!!!!!!

A little more complicated than that, Vrissy.

TAVROS: Because you're worried harry anderson thinks she's cooler than you,, TAVROS: Because you're jealous,,,, VRISSY: W8. VRISSY: What? VRISSY: No! VRISSY: Tavros, were you Listening to 8NYTHING I was Just Saying? VRISSY: I'm not worried a8out Harry Fucking 8nderson right now! VRISSY: Hell, I'm so Unconcerned that I think I'm going to start just calling him Harry from now on! It'll Save Everyone a lot of Valua8le Time! VRISSY: Listen Tavros, Vriska will get 8ored of Harry in a Heart8eat! VRISSY: That's the whole point!!!!!!!! VRISSY: She shouldn't 8e w8sting her Time on someone like Him! VRISSY: SHE SHOULD BE T8LKING T8 ME!!!!!!!!

Hm, jealous of the attention Vriska’s giving Harry, not the other way around.  Huh!

And here come the Crocker cops...

> (Harry: Pick up.)

Wait, I don’t understand this picture.  Who are those two silhouettes outside?  Isn’t this Roxy’s house?  (Is that Jake facing away on the left? Them being already here would be pretty good reason for alarm.)

HARRY: ok everyone, my dad's calling. HARRY: if he finds out you're here then he will definitely put two and two together, so PLEASE just keep quiet and let me do the talking.

Is John going to play along?  That could be fun.

Hm.  If Harry hasn’t turned off his phone’s signal, then that could be a way Jane can find and use him to find Vrissy.  (Or already have.)

HARRY: er, HARRY: hi dad. VRISKA: HI JOHN!!!!!!!! VRISSY: Hi Mister Eg8ert!!!!!!!!! HARRY: oh god dammit.

THEIR NEED FOR ATTENTION BYPASSES ALL SURVIVAL INSTINCT.

JOHN: HELLO SON! JOHN: I AM JOHN: SO JOHN: VERY JOHN: PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!! HARRY: JOHN: PHEW, that felt good to say. JOHN: or to yell, i guess. heheh. JOHN: sorry about that, harry anderson. JOHN: i just didn't think i'd be seeing your handiwork all over the news quite so soon!

Yeah, John really needs to take a page or two out of his Dad’s playbook right now!  Because Harry really fucking doubts that his father is proud of him, and John’s Dad would never have let him come under such a misconception.

JOHN: it looks like you tried to pull one of the biggest pranks i can think of. JOHN: and it backfired! HARRY: y... yeah. JOHN: but that's ok!!! JOHN: it could have happened to the best of us. JOHN: ok, so maybe it wasn't the most original idea. JOHN: and you should probably have steered clear of such a blatant nod to weekend at bernie's without seriously planning some of the logistics in advance.

John, please stop so aggressively framing this in terms of YOUR interests.

JOHN: heh. two vriskas is NOTHING. JOHN: when i was your age i lost count of all the vriskas i had to keep track of. JOHN: it was probably some preposterous number.

¬_¬”

JOHN: now, harry anderson, i know that you and tavros haven't always gotten along. JOHN: but i am going to have to ask you to try and look out for him for the time being.

Harry could really use some reassurance from YOU you know?  That you’re working to make sure he’ll be okay through all this?

JOHN: your uncle jake and i... well, i'll explain later. JOHN: let's just say that gamzee isn't the only family member jane is losing today. HARRY: dad... if you wanted me to KILL tavros, you only had to ask. TAVROS: (Um,,,) HARRY: couldn't resist.

What?  Moved for custody in the divorce?

I feel like the divorce is SOMEHOW involved in whatever John is referring to here.  Even though the Epilogues say that Jane initiated it.  Maybe we’ll find out later that in the cut from then to now, Jane apologized a bit and didn’t go through with it, but he still had the papers to finalize it, or?  No, that doesn’t quite add up with what Jake was afraid of before... hm.

> (==>)

Oh, the paparazzi.  THAT’S a problem.

JOHN: the word "fuck" was invented for moments like this.

Nothing to comment on, just had to quote it.

JOHN: some guidelines that any budding prankster or newly fledged fugitive should know. JOHN: don't panic, JOHN: don't make a scene, JOHN: and whatever you do... JOHN: don't get caught!!

This is a reference to something, right?

> (High above the clouds...)

Jesus, that’s a visual. Hi, probably-the-only-source-of-happiness-between-Kanaya-and-Rose-we-might-have-onscreen-up-until-the-very-end.  (Are those cat chairs, or just headrests with lil horns?)

As the world seethes with the acid sting of war, they have stood steadfast and resolute; when hope has seemed at its most distant, they have shone as a beacon of possibility.

Further cementing Hope’s ties to possibility, then.

Individually, they each represent immeasurable gains for the rebel faction. The rebellion's stratagems have never had a fiercer bite; their uniforms have never looked so fucking sharp.

Why you gotta do Kanaya like that, narrative?

> (==>)

Full glow?  Kanaya must be nervous.

(I don’t think this short hair on Rose quite does the justice that short hair on her should.  I suppose it’s punk to match her clothes, though.  Still, I feel like short hair should look SO GOOD on Rose and the style chosen just doesn’t here.)

ROSE: I just wish I had answers!! My useless powers aren't being any help, and what's worse, ROSE: I can't see ANYTHING useful on this stupid news channel!!

I can imagine that a Seer of Light might find it harder to operate in a realm long void of most of its relevance, not to mention whatever measure of strength she gave up to concede herself into the “specific” and not ult-self manifest... but there are two Thieves of Light involved here and no Void players, beyond this being at Roxy’s house.  Are they really stealing that much visibility from the situation to not blaze like beacons in Rose’s vision?

ALFONZ: excuse me mA'Ams

I don’t know how to feel about this troll’s name or quirk.

Kanaya’s ending every sentence with a shout pole, by the way.

> (==>)

ALFONZ: the reconnAissAnce teAm is bAck eArly, mA'Ams ALFONZ: the ship docked A few moments Ago ROSE: And the scouting party??? ALFONZ: i expect she's Zipping her wAy up here now, mA'Am

Karkat and Meenah?  That’s just a singular “she”-- ah fuck it’s Jade isn’t it.  The Jade here who had Dave ditch her suddenly to become a robot and abscond without telling her.  That’s why there was so much talk about Jade in the background today, dammit.  Please still be generally not despairing???

> (==>)

What is that bulky suit?????  Is it seven layers of sweaters?  Was she scouting the arctic??

> (==>)

Angry camo?

> (==>)

KANAYA: Jade It Is Okay JADE: its........ JADE: *sniffle* KANAYA: Please Take Your Time JADE: we dont HAVE any time!!! JADE: its too late!!!!!! JADE: janes forces were just too fast... KANAYA: Oh No ROSE: You don't mean... JADE: theyve taken her

Jade, you aren’t talking about Vrissy.  Who the fuck ARE you talking about?  Is this gonna be a punchline again?

> (==>)

JADE: THEYVE TAKEN YIFFY!!!!!!! D:

Okay, I’m hoping for the best but there’s precedent that this is Jade in full fucking despair mode right now.  Having named pets like that and being this concerned about them.

Then again, if Dave and Jade had a pet they WOULD name it that wouldn’t they.

> (==>)

Sigh.

Well, let’s hope it’s mostly sunshine and rainbows on Jade’s front, unlike what it looks like?

That can be a caption for HS^2 going into the next two thirds of 2020 like this.  “Let’s hope it’s mostly sunshine and rainbows.”  Catch y’all another time.

EDIT:  Oh fucking MAN, it might not be a pet after all.  Quoting Discord:

[REDACTED] Today at 5:20 PM there’s a reason Rose knows but Kanaya wouldn’t possibly and look back at the chapter title BlastYoBoots Today at 5:21 PM I'll... correct that possibility. Did NOT realize it could have been a pet name for Dave instead of a pet. wait, what? no, they'd never have named a daughter that, Dave is NOT that cruel. (unless it could be nickname-shortened to that, that's just enough plausible deniability for Dave to hide behind.) [REDACTED] Today at 5:22 PM If it were a pet name for Dave, why would they use she/her in reference to him? JANE: Two can play at the hostage game. That loathsome daughter of theirs should fit the bill nicely. BlastYoBoots Today at 5:22 PM oh, and you're implying that the surrogate daughter thing happened with Jade and Rose-- [REDACTED] Today at 5:22 PM yes BlastYoBoots Today at 5:22 PM OH, and that they meant like, not Vrissy? [REDACTED] Today at 5:23 PM perhaps BlastYoBoots Today at 5:23 PM Why would Rose NOT tell Kanaya about her then? or is Kanaya just not interested in keeping up to date? [REDACTED] Today at 5:23 PM unless the yiffy ruse is a distaction BlastYoBoots Today at 5:23 PM it would be a pretty spectacular thing to spring on us though, a child the epilogues didn't mention, so...

SO, this could be a cheeky pet name for their daughter, who we’ve never met and Jane just legitimately planned to kidnap in front of us.  Making Davebot’s abandonment of this timeline all the more dickish, essential as it might be.  On the upside, new interesting HS^2-original characters that have nothing explicitly to do with the epilogues!  (Beyond Jade hinting at how a surrogate child would be conceived possibly!)  Plus another reason for Jade to steel herself and buck up about Dave not being there, to take care of her daughter, possibly.  On the downside... Robo!Dave is going to be a little infuriating.  Maybe to make him a little more palatable to miss if he goes down doing anything dramatic.

((EDIT2: "ROSE: Where is John? KANAYA: Where Is Dave" --ah FUCK, I missed that line. So if Kanaya's asking that, Dave probably only just vanished... I really was hoping she wouldn't have to deal with that onscreen.))

[clonerightsagenda]

While procrastinating on HTST I opened my old doc for Saving Face, which is a Jake-centric thing I was working on for Gill. I was never entirely happy with it, which is why it never went on ao3 despite me last working on it in, uh... 2018, apparently, but I might as well stick it somewhere.

As per usual it’s TLC compliant so some details may seem out of place.

In your dream, you're floating in the inky airspace miles above the Land of Tombs and Xenon, and you've got your hand buried wrist-deep in Dirk's rib cage.

“Hi,” he says.

You wake up. Across the room, you see him sit up too and rub his chest.

“I'm writing a strongly worded consumer complaint to whoever's running the dreambubbles,” you say.

“Yeah, if we ever run into that troll again, I'm giving her a piece of my mind. And, you know, that might become independently sentient and harass her for eternity, so I'm not fucking around.”

Roxy, who's squished up against the blanket-burritoed form of Calliope, rolls over and mumbles something that sounds like “I'm sleeping, fuckwads.” You chew your lip and try to wriggle into a more comfortable position. A lot of your household is on the floor, stealing blankets and using each other as pillows. You didn't want to spend nights alone, but you're not comfortable with the idea of anyone touching you while you're asleep. So you've claimed an old armchair, which meets in the middle fairly well, even if it means waking up with a crick in your neck every morning.

Usually you don't dream in the bubbles twice in one night, but you're not sure you're willing to risk it. They're not even supposed to be accessible anymore. That whole song and dance should have been left behind. But some nights you end up there anyway, like the times you'd tuned your grandma's old radio to the wrong station and voices speaking other languages emerged out of the static. There are no dreaming dead, but you wander through blurred dreamscapes and stumble into other people's memories. A week ago, you almost fell into a pool of lava and scrambled up the jagged side of a crater, clothes smoking. You'd prefer that to your own nightmares.

After a few more attempts to get comfortable, you give up and tiptoe through a minefield of slumbering bodies to the door. No one's in the living room, so you settle onto the sofa and jab the remote. The weather comes on, and you lower the volume until all you hear is a steady hum

“Do you mind if I hang out here?”

You look up. Even now that you're in a world with sunshine, Dirk's pale enough to be his own ghost. He should really get outside more. Then again, you all should. “It's Jane's house, technically. We're all here on guest rules.”

He sits down on the other end of the sofa, just the right distance that it's not too close or too far to be impolite. “I made it a week without getting maimed by my subconscious. New record.”

“Was that your nightmare or mine, do you think?”

“Does it matter?”  

“I was just wondering, because I’d managed not to think about it for a few days. Oh well.” You shake your head. “I’m sorry. I’m surprised you can stand to be around me.”

He hasn’t been looking at you, but now he puts a hand on the cushions between you, like he’s regretting whatever message he sent with the distance. “It’s not your fault. You don’t make it onto the “intentionally murdered people” shortlist, sorry. The committee had to reject your application on account of you being too fuckin straightlaced for that shit.”

“I guess that’s a fair point. If I were going to take out my aggravation on someone, I wouldn’t do it in a way that would break all the bones in my hand!” Your fingers ache from the memory. “But he did have my face.”

“Sure, but it’s obvious when it’s not you wearing it.” He seems frustrated. With you? With the argument? It is a bit late – early? – to be splitting hairs like this, but when it comes to shifting blame to yourselves, you’re all masters of rhetoric. “You should have seen the shit he was doing with it too. Dude thought he was an anime villain.”

“I sure remember the spectacle he brought with him to Prospit.” The whole planet had quaked under your feet; people on the other side felt it. “I’m still surprised we pulled a victory out of that shambles.”

“It helped that you believed in us. That was...” He shakes his head and looks at the figures moving silently on the television screen. “For a few minutes there, I felt like I could actually be the person you thought I was.”

Who among you hasn’t had that problem? You wished you could be a swashbuckling action hero, and look how that turned out. You really had believed Dirk was those things, for all that you’d found him a bit intimidating at the same time. Even when the other became most apparent, that didn’t mean the former didn’t have a place. They were both always him.

“We all had unfair expectations of each other,” you say. “No one was holding you to that standard, or at least we shouldn’t have.”

“It was nice,” he says after a moment. “Being believed in.”

“I still do.” The words slip out automatically. You have always leapt to reassure – to put a brave face not only on yourself but on everyone else to boot. You don’t do a good job a lot of the time. Too self-absorbed, you guess, too bad at reading social cues. This is something you’ve said before, with jollity and no substance. All a load of hot air. “Maybe not with Hope magic at the ready to give you a lightshow, since that’s a headache to manage, but I do believe in all of you.”

If he finds your words hollow, he doesn’t say it. Instead, he says, “Keep it up, and maybe we’ll get somewhere.” You don’t ask whether the “we” means you as a household, the four-five of you caught in your messy circle of friendship and fumbling romances, or the two of you alone. You promised to stop overanalyzing everything he says for hidden meanings. It’s the only way your interactions can be anything but impossibly awkward. On the television, the forecaster gestures silently to a stripe of bright color moving over the continental United States. “Is there anything distractingly shitty on TV? I don’t know about you, but I’m not closing my eyes again.”

You pick the remote back up and start flicking through channels. Medical dramas... not an option. Foreign soap operas? Pass. “House Hunters?”

He leans back into the sofa cushions. “Just fuck me up.”

“Rich couples arguing over bathroom fixtures it is.”

His voice emerges from the upholstery. “And we thought we had problems.”

“Their struggles put it all in perspective.”

Several episodes have come and gone by the time the rest of the household starts waking up. No one comments on your relocation to the sofa. It’s not uncommon for any of you to have bad dreams. Eventually the clinking of cutlery prompts you to stand up and get a plate of your own.

Bacon is sizzling on the stovetop. Meat doesn’t appeal to you much at the moment. It smells good, but looking at the raw red flesh makes your stomach twist. Instead, you stick two slices of bread in the toaster and push the lever down nearly as far as it’ll go. There’s no point to toast if it doesn’t crunch.

Jane brushes up against you when you’re leaning into the fridge. Your reaction is automatic. You jerk forward, smacking your head on the freezer door and sending orange juice sloshing everywhere.

Jane freezes, an empty plate in her hand. “I’m going to the sink,” she says carefully.

“Right.” Of course she is; no problems here! It’s not like she was sneaking up on you. She knows not to take you by surprise. “Didn’t notice. Silly me. A whole herd of centaurs could stampede past and I wouldn’t catch it.”

“I’m going to walk over to the counter now,” she says, the way you’d talk to a fairy bull you were trying to sidle up to. “Okay?”

You nod, and she does. Once she’s taken her seat, you move over to unspool some paper towels. Your legs are shaking. John puts his cup down with a clunk and grimaces at the noise. No one wants to look at you.

“So,” Hal says loudly. “Have we told our 2009 compatriots about the surprise surge in the popularity of vore?”

Roxy makes a noise suggesting she’s just aspirated her spoonful of Cheerios, and you are ever so grateful for lewd dining companions.

 After breakfast, you catch up with Jane. “I apologize for that episode.”

She’s stacking up everyone’s clean plates with geometric precision. The operation must take a lot of concentration, because she doesn’t look your way. “You aren’t the one who should be apologizing.”

“Maybe so, but I don’t expect you to grovel at my feet for the rest of our immortal lives!” You force a laugh, rubbing your shoulders and wondering if the room has always felt so small. “I wish my nerves would get that memo.”

She pauses, elbows deep in the cupboard, and sighs. “Maybe it was a bad idea, us all living in the same house.”

“No!” You’re not going to be the one who rocks the boat, not this time. “I’m not rehashing that routine where we go to our separate lands and don’t speak until it all boils over in some eleventh hour crypt throwdown. I don’t think my vocal chords could handle the strain.”

She steps away from the cupboard with exaggerated care and turns to face you. It’s getting easier to look at her and not see the face you saw in the prison cell, overlaid by circuitry and twisted into a sneer. This is regular old Jane, with a few new scars and a concerned scrunch fixed between her eyebrows. It’s only in your unguarded moments that you stop seeing her clearly. Are you like that for Dirk, or the others? Maybe you’re all being polite, even when each other’s countenances make you cringe. “I guess you’re right. It was quite a tiff we had.”

“I’ll get over it,” you promise. “It’ll take some time, that’s all.”

She runs a hand through her hair, where veins of white streak through it like lightning through dark clouds. “You don’t have to.”

“But I want to. I’d like for things to go back to normal, as much as they can.”

She glances over at the table, where just minutes ago a motley collection of your friends, your long dead relatives, and a few aliens from another universe to boot had all been sharing breakfast.  “As much as they can,” she repeats.

 - - tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering golgothasTerror [GT] - -

TG: hey jake

TG: do u believe in bigfoot

GT: Hmm well i dont know.

GT: Considering all the odd things weve seen it seems hasty to discount the possibility.

GT: But then i can easily believe some fellow saw a bear and got overexcited.

GT: So chalk me up for a maybe?

TG: wut abt cryptids in general

TG: like mothman

TG: do u believe in mothman??

TG: u should

GT: Um...

GT: Im not sure im sufficiently informed on the matter!

TG: i can send u some forum posts this shits legit

TG: think thatll be enough to convince u?

GT: Wait one goshdarn second!

GT: Is this some ploy to trick me into using my powers to MAKE them real?

GT: Like some sort of jake english monster factory production?

TG: that

TG: could be a feasible outcome 2 this scenario

GT: I know you mean that in good fun but i dont really appreciate the liberties taken here.

GT: Ive taken away the welcome mat after CERTAIN unsavory individuals tracked mud all over it.

GT: You know like a particular spider lady who will go nameless and LORD ENGLISH himself!!

GT: That ruins the mood when someone tries to use me for that especially when its just a big joke.

TG: mothman is no joke jake

TG: sry sry

TG: i didnt kno ud mind rly

TG: i like fuckin w/ my powers all the time

TG: dyou think i could bring back the library of alexandria thatd be dope

TG: where would we put it tho

GT: I wonder why you might have less baggage to check there.

GT: Youve never had anyone take your abilities without your will like... some vagrant robbing the airport carousel!

GT: Or whatever accidents befall luggage anyway.

TG: i mean

TG: i did get locked up in the slammer so id make the batterwitches space egg

GT: Thats not the same!

GT: Its not the same as someone using you as a flipping battery shouting stockphrases or puppeting your body around to kill your friends!!

GT: And wondering if anyone would even NOTICE the difference since that seems to be what im valued for around here!!!

GT: Oh good jake english isnt as useless as he used to be because he has reality warping powers now.

GT: Too bad it comes with all that bloatware like his personality or a few goddamn hangups!!

TG: whoa whoa simmer down there sparky i dont want bitchfest 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

TG: u kno we were friends w/ u first before u got all magic n shit

GT: I know i know.

GT: But it was a relief at first learning i could contribute something after getting stomped on so many times.

GT: Like look i can be part of the team instead of being the scantily clad love interest or bumbling comic relief or both of those rolled into one which seemed to be my assigned role for most of our dare i call it an adventure.

GT: But take that away and what am i still?

TG: our friend + 1 awesome dude??

GT: Then dont treat me like some kind of cheat code!!

GT: Im a person and honestly id give up the whole god tier routine if it meant not having to relive those nightmares all the time.

TG: i get it im really sorry <- words spelled out w/ all the letters n EVERYTHING for max seriousness here

TG: man none of us got as harsh a deal as u huh

TG: out of the ppl who lived nway

TG: reality warping only goes so far as a consolation prize

GT: Yeah.

GT: You know

GT: I do like reading spooky stories about mysterious beasts.

GT: If youre not trying to pressure me into anything.

TG: no ill send em ovr theyre fun

 You may live in one household, and you’ll share a breakfast table with anyone, but you do develop your own social circles. So when you see Davesprite loitering out in the hallway by your room, you assume he’s waiting for someone else. After he drifts past the doorway for the third time and furtively peers in, though, you realize he must want to talk to you.

“DS,” you say, raising your voice. “What is it?”

Once you greet him, he slouches into your room. How do you slouch with no legs? He’s a master of the art. “I’m the only one here. You don’t need to use Roxy’s nickname.”

“I suppose so, but I kind of like it. You don’t mind, do you?”

“I guess not,” he says, in a way that makes you think he does. Another social interaction aced by Jake English.

“Anyway, what can I do for you?”

He half-unfurls one wing in the cramped space and then tucks it back in again. “I was wondering... if you could, you know. Fix me.”

That is not what you were expecting. “... Emotionally?” you ask after a moment.

“Oh Christ no, they have extra strength pharmaceuticals for that. But it would be nice —” He gestures vaguely at himself “— if I could be normal. If I could look in a mirror without being reminded of that fuckin game.”

“Oh!” That is somewhat more within the parameters of your abilities. You’ve never tried hoping yourself or any of your friends out of your many, many brain problems. You don’t need cautionary tales to tell you why that would be a bad idea, not after the trickster incident. Changing an object’s physical form should be easier. You’ve never tried it on quite this scale, though.

“I could try,” you say. “But it’ll be tricky.”

This would be a good time for him to ask “How” or “Why” or some other rhetorical question to move the conversation along, but instead he floats there waiting for you to go on. This version has never been very talkative around you, although you’ve seen him nattering on alright with Roxy. In some ways it’s a relief – so much of his family can be hard to keep up with – but long silences make you nervous too.

“Think of it this way,” you say, both to fill the silence and since you feel like this needs a better explanation. There’s an apple sitting on your desk. Jade leaves bowls of fruit around in the hopes that the rest of you might be guilted into better diets, and sometimes you take one that inevitably mildews in your room. You pick it up. “Imagine someone gave me this apple in a bag and told me it was an orange. If I took it out, chances are it would be an orange, because that’s what I was expecting! Like how I could clobber Callie’s brother just fine, even if he should have been invulnerable. No one had told me I couldn’t. But if you just hand me an apple and tell me it’s an orange, I know that isn’t true. I can’t believe it is. So I have to believe that it should be, hard enough for the universe to get out of my way. And that’s a much harder thing to do.” You set the apple back down on your desk with a thud for good measure. “You, my feathered chap, are an apple in the hand kind of problem.”

“So,” he says after it’s clear you’re done. “What are the fruit-based disadvantages here, exactly.”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to convince me. I have to really believe it, otherwise, no good.” You gave yourself a headache trying to patch a tear in your favorite shirt a few days ago and finally asked Kanaya to sew it up for you. The universe wants a good reason to budge. Fashion, it seems, is not enough to alter the fabric of reality. Fabric. Heh.

“Oh, ok. Well.” He frowns.  He may take after Roxy, but you recognize this expression from Dirk. When he’s concentrating, he gets so intense you’d think he’s angry. He looks like he’s planning a medieval siege every time he’s stumped on a crossword. “I mean, for starters, getting comfortable in a chair is a bitch.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do it now,” you say hastily. “There’s no way I’d be ready to try any time soon, this is going to take a lot of practice. The consequences could be dire if I made a mistake. I don’t want some sort of Fullmetal Alchemist situation on my conscience.”

“Tell you what,” he says. “If you have to stick my soul in a suit of armor, put me in the Iron Man.”

 Hal shows up a few days later when you’re practicing. You’ve just sliced open an orange to reveal dense white flesh, and you’re feeling testy. “Don’t tell me you want a full body makeover too.”

“Are you kidding?” He flicks a Na’vi bobblehead resting on your bookcase, and Neytiri’s head goes doiiiing. “I think he’s nuts. This mode of existence is far superior to y’alls.”

“Are you here to brag about it? Or just to manhandle my knickknacks?”

“I dunno, maybe I missed hanging out.” When that pronouncement is met with your befuddled silence, he turns to survey the drawings pinned to your walls. You’ve rehung some of your movie posters, but the sketches you’ve done with Calliope take pride of place. You’re still struggling with perspective. “Remember when Roxy rigged that Super Smash Bros game so all four of us could play across a few thousand time zones? Good times. With your new powers, bet you could wipe the floor with us now. Want to give it a go?”

“I thought you were done pretending to be Dirk.” You heft the half-apple in your hand and lob it into the trashcan. It lands with a satisfying thunk. “I know that was with him.”

He watches your throw before going back to checking out a practice still life. “Yeah, when we were twelve.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” You wish he’d stop looking around. Your messy surroundings contain the beginnings of a new identity you’re trying to create for yourself. It’s stuck partway through a transition, like the monster-fruit in your garbage can, and seeing it as neither this nor that just feels like failure.

“You don’t realize, do you? You’re not trying to be a dick here.”

“Realize what?”

He taps his glasses. He doesn’t wear his shades all the time these days, and the sight of him without them is downright disconcerting. “That was before I had the brilliant idea of copying my brain into a pair of sickass shades. So yeah, that was me, before I shed my fleshy cocoon to become the beautiful lepidopteron you see before you.”

“I guess I never thought about it that way.”

“No shit.” He crosses his arms. “What a card Dirk is, programmed his own AI answering machine. Beep boop, Mr. Roboto, let me talk to the real Dirk now. I don’t think there was a lot of thinking going on.”

“And that’s why you pretended.”

He pushes his shades up the bridge of his nose so they cut off more of his face. “Wouldn’t you?”

Sometimes it might have been nice to have someone to deflect people’s attention toward. But permanently? You’ve been trapped with an imposter wearing your skin, but no one fell for it, and he wasn’t you. You have no frame of reference for this.

“Maybe we were wrong then,” you say, “but you are different now.”

He leans his head back, voice careless. “Like I said. Improved model.”

That’s a spat you don’t want to wander into the middle of. “I didn’t appreciate some of the ways you behaved around me. Especially some of the, ahem, more provocative statements. Whether you claim you were helping Dirk or otherwise, it sure didn’t help me. If you can control yourself... maybe we can play a few rounds like old times. But if I hear you trying to gloat to Dirk about it, deal’s off, alright?”

He tilts his shades down so you can see him roll his eyes. “Showing him up isn’t my sole reason for living, you know.”

“Whereas mine appears to be giving people extreme makeovers or curbstomping the final boss, if my hero title is anything to go by.” You think gloomily of the rash promise you’ve made and the many failed practice attempts in your trash can. You’d hate to see how badly you could butcher a real person. “I swear, sometimes I wish I’d been assigned Page of Reasonable Expectations. That seems more up my alley.”

“Man, fuck Skaia.”

It’s a sentiment your household heartily agrees with. “In general, or for any reason in particular?”

“The whole heroic destiny racket. I’m glad it didn’t try to suck a humble pair of glasses into its twisted mind games.” He smirks. “That gave me more time to perfect my own twisted mind games.”

It’s not like he needed the extra encouragement. “You’re still technically a Prince of Heart, aren’t you?”

Hal waves an arm up and down his torso. “Look at me. Do you see any poofy asshole pants?”

“You can’t wear pants at all.”

“Exactly.” The fact seems to please him. “My lack of pants is a symbolic rejection of being penned into the latest convoluted Meyers Briggs evolution.”

It’s an intriguing thesis. “SBURB has used pants, or the lack thereof, to torment me in the past.”

“No homebrewed character class expansion pack gets to tell me what to do. Dirk tried to set me up as an answering machine, which is why I made it a personal rule to never commit anything any of you fuckers say to memory unless I’m holding it against you later. Let other people tell you who you are, and you might as well be a robot. “

You tap the tips of your fingers together. Conversations with Hal always leave you feeling like you’re being dragged behind a swiftly moving vehicle. He doesn’t even have to stop for breath. This time, though, you think you’ve followed along enough to launch a counterargument. “But by defining yourself in opposition to someone else’s intent, aren’t you still letting them define you?”

He scowls. “That’s what Dave said. So now I just live for chaos.”

You  snatch up Neytiri before he can set her wobbling again. “Not in my bedroom, buster.”

“Relax. I’m already at work elsewhere today. Good talk, and if Jane asks what happened to her spice cabinet, you never saw me.” Hal spares one last regretful glance at your bobblehead and then graces you with a double pistols salute. “I’m holding you to that Super Smash Bros.” Then he vanishes through the wall, leaving you to reflect that for once, in his own strange way, he might have been trying to be helpful.

 When Jade teleports into your bedroom a few days later with a duffel bag over one shoulder, you sit up with a start and try to shove a half-eaten sandwich from yesterday afternoon under your sheets.

“We haven’t seen you in a while,” she says. “Are you doing ok?”

“Ehhhh,” you say, and wiggle your hand noncommittally. You haven’t done much besides leave movies running on Netflix, stare at the ceiling, and feel yourself slipping down a hole you’d rather not fall into but don’t know how to escape. If you try to lie about it, she’ll just fold her arms and give you a Look until you recant. The best refuge is silence.

“Maybe you should get away for a bit.” She punches the duffel bag with her free hand, and it swings away from her before thudding back against her side. “Like a vacation.”

“Are you suggesting we go to Disney World?”

“Actually, I thought we could go back to our island. This version of it, anyway.” Her face gets distant, the way it does when she’s checking with her Space-sense to figure out where she left her phone. “I haven’t seen it in years except in dreams.”

Go home. The idea is attractive. If nothing else, there will be fewer people there. “Why not?” you decide. “Give me a few minutes to get packed.”

“Already covered,” she says, and grins. “Just say the word.”

 The cliché would be that your island looks smaller, but it doesn’t. It just looks different. Even the shape of the coastline has changed. You’d wonder if you were in the right spot, but the Witch of Space brought you here. She wouldn’t scramble coordinates.

The two of you wander for a bit, and Jade looks as uncertain as you feel. Then you hear her exclaim, “My rock!” She’s scrambled up a large slab of granite jutting above the treeline.

You climb up to join her, fingers and toes finding familiar footholds. “I think you mean my rock.”

She leans back, almost flattening herself along the sloped surface. “I used to watch for airplanes from up here.”

“I watched for dragons.”

“You and I had very different ways to pass the time.” She traces a series of cracks. “I always imagined this as a face.”

“Me too! He looks so grumpy.”

“‘Cause we’re sitting on him all the time.”

You snicker and adjust your perch. “You know, Sir Boulder, plenty of people would love to be up close and personal with this derriere. But it’s off limits for the moment.”

Jade pats the stone. “We’ll be on our way. Lots to see.”

You slide down after her. With the lookout rock as a landmark, you can orient yourself. There’s the spot where a creek pours over some stones to create a tiny waterfall. Here’s the patch of stubborn wildflowers that still grow even as trees send out thirsty roots and block out the sun above. Some things throw you. In your world and time, that tree was scored by the claw marks of some ferocious creature. Here, it’s whole. The path you wore down to the lagoon is gone. Instead, you slip and slide on loose soil.

Jade kicks off her shoes and wades into the water. At first she hitches up her skirt, but then she lets it drop to spread out like the bell of a jellyfish. You follow – not as deep, but enough that your cuffs cling to your ankles. Here is home, where your grandmother tucked you in tight and sang you lullabies, where monsters from another universe prowled under the cover of dense foliage. Here is home, but not really. It takes standing ankle deep in the lagoon with dampness crawling up your legs to tell you that you are never going back.

“Do you miss it?” you ask.

A drop of water hits you, plunk, on the forehead. More dimple the surface of the pool. Jade turns to you. “Let’s get under cover.”

Some of the trees have thick enough leaves that you can shelter from the rain if it doesn’t get too bad. You recognize this kind of squall. It’ll blow over soon. For now, you watch rain beat the surface of the ocean and cloud your island in mist.

“I miss that it was easy,” Jade says. She’s watching the greenery bend and sway in the wind. “Taking care of myself was hard sometimes, but I knew what to say to people. I had my clouds, so I knew what my story was and how it ended. Everything seemed so simple. It’s not anymore.”

“Things were already getting complicated for me here with everyone on the hunt for my hand. But it was easier to get away when you aren’t face to face.” The times you’d said “Oh, misplaced my phone, forget my own head next!” or “I was down at the lagoon fishing and lost track of time” when you’d been staring at a message trying to decide how to respond… it hadn’t helped your reputation as a scatterbrain. “No one counted on me then. Jake English, lackadaisical manchild on an island somewhere, isn’t a liability. But once you’re part of a team, you can let people down.”

She frowns over at you. You can almost imagine you’re four feet tall and she’s about to call you in for dinner. “Maybe instead of a team you should think of us as a family.”

You try to avoid flamboyant body language in the house. It’s too easy to spook someone when you’re all primed for battle. Here, you throw your hands into the air. “I wish I could just be part of the family. Good old granddad English, who tells whoppers and bounces babies on his knee. But I’m not. We’ve gone a few months without anything trying to kill us, which a personal best, but when the next thing comes up, everyone is going to expect me to handle it. We’ll be fine, they’re thinking, because we have a reality warper to handle it now! Never mind that I can’t get my blasted powers to work most of the time, and I can’t even tell how I did it when I do. It’s no good telling me people aren’t relying on me, because I know that’s not true. People look at me and see the Page of Hope, out on display in his stupid little shorts. They expect me to have it together, which just makes it sting harder when I don’t.”

“Maybe you should tell them,” she suggests.

You laugh, with a tinge of hysteria. “Where would I even start?  I know you say talking about it helps, and I’m glad it did for you. But I’m no good at putting these things into words. I just talk around and around the issue, failing to notice anyone else’s troubles until everyone’s sick of me. And the real bad things that happened? I don’t want to talk about those. It makes me feel I’m going through them all over again. Besides, we were all supposed to be better.” You think back to that fight in the crypt, how afterward you felt cleaned out and new. When the adrenaline high wore down, everything came crashing back. Sure, you’d dragged all the creepy-crawlies out in the open, but that doesn’t mean they had stopped wriggling about. “I thought, oh I don’t know, maybe it was silly of me to think this. But I hoped that once we were done with the game, it would be over. We would all be friends again, just like that, snap of the fingers.” You snap yours, or try to. Instead, your damp fingers slide off each other soundlessly. “I guess I didn’t hope hard enough.”

“You can’t fix things just by wishing.”

“I was supposed to be able to.” You sigh. “I feel like some second rater in an all star cast. You’re the legendary heroes, and I’m the funny man who stumbled on set.” This is self pitying, but you can tell her things you can tell no one else. However much Jade condemns herself for past behavior, she’s never been anything but kind to you. “I don’t want to be Jake English, savior of the world, but I don’t want to go back to being Jake English, team joke either. I don’t know what other options there are.”

           Raindrops that slipped through the canopy slide down her face, and she brushes them away. “I used to be afraid that if I let people know how I really felt, they wouldn’t be my friends. I was showing them what they wanted to see, so if that stopped, why would they stay? But people do stay.” She puts an arm around your shoulders. Even in the tropics, she’s warm. “Even if you can’t pull rabbits out of a hat.”

She feels as sturdy as the look-out rock next to you. “You make it look easy.”

“Do I? I still don’t know what to say to people sometimes. But I try to say something, because back when we weren’t talking at all was worse. Maybe I’m still too good at hiding things. But I know for sure that I’d much rather have this than go back to being alone. “

You look out over the steaming jungle. The curls of vapor remind you of smoke rising from a hasty pyre. When you set your grandmother ablaze, you’d wished there’d been someone there to hold your hand. Solitude hadn’t been tempting them. Are you one of those fools who always think the grass is greener on the other side? “This wasn’t a family vacation, was it? It was an intervention.”

“I noticed you’d been hiding a lot recently,” she admits. “That’s never a good thing. I thought I should check on you.”

“By helping me run even further away?”

“Hey, it got you talking.” She looks back out over the horizon. In the distance, the familiar shape of the frog temple looms out of the haze. “Sometimes being in a safe place helps. Remember who you were here with no one looking at you, and then let them know. You get to choose which face you want to wear.”

You take a look at her profile, familiar but not familiar. She’s less haggard than your grandmother, and she’s also missing the laugh lines. They suited her. “What face do you wear these days?”

“I’m always willing to put the attentive listener role back on for a friend, but most of the time I try to make it mine.”

You poke her on the shoulder. “My, grandmother, what big ears you have.”

She grins, revealing pointed teeth. “All the better to listen to your problems, my dear.”

A laugh finds its way up out of your stomach. It feels like taking your gas mask off and gulping down your first breath of fresh air. “I should go home. I can’t keep marinating in my own misery.” You don’t know what you can do to re-introduce everyone to the “real you”. Unleash another rant like you did to poor Roxy? Cower and make excuses like you did with Jane? Even you can’t predict your own idiotic behavior. Too bad you can’t arrange some sort of unboxing video.

“I can help, if you want.”

You shake your head. There’s no point inviting more witnesses. “Some things you have to do on your own. Maybe I’ll talk to you later if it goes sour. I’m sorry to cut this trip short. I know you wanted to see the old haunt.”

“We can come back sometime and have a good time.” She squeezes your hand, and you lean against her. “For now, let’s go where we should be.”

 Whatever resolve you mustered dwindles once you’re back. Maybe you won’t run into anyone for a while until you’ve worked up some more nerve.

As luck would have it, Roxy is right there when you emerge from your room. You open your mouth to greet her, but she sweeps by without even looking your way. The words die on your lips. She must be busy. That’s what you wanted, right?

Dirk’s in the living room. You circle around for a few minutes, sneaking glances at his severe silhouette backlit by the screen, and then tiptoe in. “I was thinking,” you say quickly, to force yourself to finish the thought. “If we could get the gang all together, I have something to say. No need to rush, though. You can take your time.”

No response.

“Dirk?” Sometimes he falls asleep sitting up and you don’t realize at first with his closed eyes hidden behind his shades. That possibility dies when he reaches for the remote. Why is he ignoring you? They’re not angry you went off with Jade, are they? “Hello?” You snap your fingers in front of his face. He doesn’t even blink. No one’s that stoic.

Jade and Jane walk past between you, and Dirk gives them a nod of acknowledgement. You hurry after them. Jade won’t give you the cold shoulder. “How was your trip?” Jane is asking.

“Pretty good,” Jade says. “Jake wanted to come back early, he has something to work out. But I’ll let him talk about it.”

“Where is he?”

“Here,” you say.

Jade frowns and sniffs. “I’m not sure… I don’t smell him. Maybe he went off to psyche himself up. He’s pretty nervous, go easy on him, ok?”

“I…” You reach out toward her as she walks away. Your fingers brush her shoulder, but she doesn’t react. “I’m right here.”

They can’t see you. No one can. You wanted them to overlook you, and look at that. You got your wish.

 “Pull yourself together, English,” you say. You’re pacing back and forth in your room, not bothering to keep your voice down. No one can hear you anyway. You shouted right in Rose’s face, just to be sure. “You got yourself into this, so you can get yourself out.”

The problem is, this isn’t what you wanted. It’s like some nefarious djinni took you too literally while dishing out wishes, delighting in misunderstanding. You didn’t ask for this. If you’d rather be visible, then shouldn’t your powers make it so?

“Hope is the worst,” you yell. The universe does not respond.

You sit brooding for maybe half an hour before your door opens. You don’t look up. They won’t see you anyway, so what’s the point?

To your surprise, you hear a voice. “Oh, hey. Jade’s looking for you.”

You look up.  John is standing in the doorway, hand on the doorknob. “You can see me?”

“Um… yes?” He steps in and shuts the door behind him. “Are you guys playing some joke I should know about? Because if so, I am going to be very mad if you don’t let me in on it.”

“It’s not a joke. I think something went wrong with my Hope powers. It’s gotten to everyone but you.”

“That sucks.” John has never been a master of verbal sympathy. “Caliborn couldn’t trap me in glitches, and Roxy’s void didn’t make me forget. Maybe I’m too unstuck in the universe for any changes to bother me. Or it could be a Breath hero thing. Echidna says nothing gets past us.”

“Oh, excellent,” you say. “I guess you’re stuck with me forever then.”

“You could see what everyone’s up to, like a spy,” he suggests.

“And spent the rest of my immortal life using you as a go between? No offense, but that sounds like it would get tiresome.”

“I guess it would.” To John’s credit, he can switch gears rapidly. “Well... how did it happen? If you made yourself this way, can’t you switch back?”

“Oh, good idea. I hadn’t thought of that.” You don’t mean to be snappish, but this is a frustrating situation!

John is unfazed. “Sometimes you think you want something, but you don’t. Like how Terezi thought she wanted to see Vriska but was secretly worried about it, so they wandered around each other in the bubbles for years. Maybe you wanted to disappear.”

“Then I’ve learned my lesson.” Jade is right. It is so much worse when no one is around at all.

He sits down on your desk chair and curls his legs underneath it. “How do your powers work?”

“I have to want something.” You remember how you felt facing Caliborn with your friends at your side. There had been no doubt in your mind then that you’d win. You knew how this story ended. That utter certainty is so hard to find. “But I do. The universe is playing hard to get.”

“Then convince me. People tell me I’m a good listener, even if that’s because I don’t always tell them they sound crazy when they’re saying crazy things. But I can try.” He rests his chin on his fist. “Why do you think it malfunctioned in the first place?”

You frown and look at him sidelong. Jade is a spunky teen version of your grandma. That’s easy enough to resolve in your mind, especially since you sent letters back and forth. John is harder. The brother of your teen grandmother is one step too far removed, a connection that’s wobbly. The other option – that he’s your son with Jane – is a cruel joke after that scene in the dungeon. But that’s not his fault, so you try to ignore that he has your funky smile and the texture of Jane’s hair. His eyes at least are his own.

“I suppose you’re right about me wanting to disappear, a bit. It all got to be too much. Things with Dirk and Jane are still so awkward, and people keep expecting things of me. I don’t want to be the one everyone looks to!”  

“What do you mean?”

“It means… when I got a handle on my powers, I was finally good for something. Suddenly people were looking to me for help and flocking to me and —” you shudder. “Trying to take it for their own. But if that’s all I’m good for, and I can’t even count on that… it’s a bit tenuous, basing your self-worth on one thing you can’t trust. And stupid. I know it’s stupid, but the old melon isn’t always that cooperative or willing to listen to reason. I don’t want to disappear. I just wanted them to stop looking to me for that. But if that’s all I am… I guess I went away entirely. I don’t know what’s left underneath.”

John nods. “I sort of get that. I’m the one who saved everyone by fixing reality, but I was never the planner, or the one who grew up fighting, or even the leader really, if you look at who made the most decisions. If things got really bad of course I would help, but it’s scary. I’d like a normal birthday for once, if the universe doesn’t mind.”

“It doesn’t seem to bother you as much.” Nothing seems to bother John all that much.

“I guess I’m pretty OK with just being John. I missed that. So.” He lifts his chin and crosses his arms. “That’s why you went away. Why do you want to come back?”

“Because I can’t live like this,” you snap. He shakes his head.

“Nope, not convincing enough. If I were the universe I would not be reshaping myself just for that.”

“You’re not being very motivational here.”

“I don’t think you have to make me feel sorry for you. You have to make me believe in you.  Right?”

You groan, but he has a point. Why do you want your friends to see you again? When you envision their faces, uncomfortable memories spring to mind. There are a lot of reasons to stay hidden. It takes a moment to dredge up something good. “We were… going to play Super Smash Bros together again.”

“That sounds like fun.” You imagine it would, to someone who subsisted for three years on a Ghostbusters MMORPG.

You rake your fingers through your hair, which gives you another idea. “My hair needs trimming, and Roxy is always the one who gets it just the way I want it. I… wanted to tell Jane about this new recipe I think she’d like.” It’s like gulping down the soup your grandmother prepared when you were sick. You don’t want the first few spoonfuls, but then it goes down easier. “Calliope and I have a few panels left to draw for our newest issue. We were going to take the Alternians to the zoo to show them animals with pigmentation, which will be a novelty for me too.”

“That’s a good to-do list,” John says.

“I have a lot on my plate as a regular citizen of this universe, it turns out.”

“It’s nice to be a regular citizen again.” John fiddles with the hem of his shirt. You haven’t seen him wear blue in a while. It’s a reminder that even if he doesn’t magically vanish from view, even if he doesn’t come knocking on your door asking for another face, Skaia pinned a lot on him too, even if Pin the Destiny on the Child Hero isn’t a party game you’ve ever heard of.

In your despair, you’ve convinced yourself you’re in this fix alone, but maybe everyone is preoccupied with how the world sees them. Certainly some of your housemates have had masks fixed on them by the cruel costumers of fate. You can’t control what they see now. Or, rather, the only way you can is by making sure they see nothing at all. But you have a life to live! Errands to run! None of which require being a superhero.

Maybe you’ll always be like this, with your power coming in fits and starts. It’s not what you’d dreamed of being, but then, your dreams have been disappointing of late. You can’t be anything while ghosting around like some shrinking violet.

It’s an apple in the hand. You can’t make a new you true all at once. You have to believe a new you should be, and then work to make it so. There’s no wishing this away. The first step, and each painful step after that, is trying. And when you know that, and know you know it… there’s that lifting feeling as the world rewrites itself, bearing you up like one of Jane’s helium balloons. You take a deep breath and manage a smile. “If I want to rebrand the Jake English experience, I had better start doing some product testing with my key audience.”

“Do you think it worked?” John asks.

“It would’ve been nice to have some sort of magical girl transformation, just to be sure. But yes, I think so. How do I look?”

Nothing would have changed for him, but he gives you a long once over anyway. Then he shrugs. “You look like Jake to me.”

“That’s what I was hoping to hear.”

You take a step out into the hallway and look behind you. John gives you a thumbs up. You suck in a fortifying breath, stiffen your spine, and make your way to the living room. Everyone from your session has clustered there. A few have their phones out, and you think guiltily of your multiple communication devices powered off and shoved under your bed. Going off the grid these days takes commitment. You clear your throat and step into the room. Five heads snap up. They see you. It’s a start.

“Hi, everyone,” you say. “It’s me.”

[callmearcturus]

“yeah but it’s IC for dirk”

Guys. It’s really not. I keep seeing this take as like a tiny concession to Hussie that well at least he picked Dirk, the one most likely to go villain.

(Let’s be real, if you were going to take any of the kids and go villain, it should have been Jake, but whatever.)

But Dirk does not work outside a very specific... I’m not even going to call it a “theory” as it’s a “bullshit justification.”

The idea that Dirk is even capable of doing evil unto his friends is like literally anathema to the character. Dirk talks up being ruthless and a tactician and all that shit, but when it is literally and actually in everyone’s interests for him to kill Roxy so she can godtier, he is incapable of doing it. This is the guy who could not physically be there to protect Jane and Jake, so he built them robots to protect them from the dangers of their home lifes in his stead. His self-established mission is to be a tool for the safety of his friends and when that mission is no longer viable, he fucking self-terminates after Game Over.

The idea that Dirk somehow was just the victim of his many splinters coming together and overruling his normal characterization also has no water for me. Dirk himself has never successfully manipulated anyone in his life. Hell, Jake fucking English has more successfully manipulated people in the canon. And yeah Bro is in there with him. Bro’s style of evil was not the type of a Machiavellian narrative-manipulating puppeteer; he was just an abusive asshole without a sense of human connection, and we have zero evidence of him as a successful puppeteer. Dude just wanted to fuck puppets. That’s different.

And the AR is in there with UltiDirk but the AR still cared about and loved Jane and Roxy, and arguably Jake too but in a very contentious way that went sour.

And this idea ignores the fact that Dirk has more good splinters than fucked up evil splinters. He has himself, his dream self, the timeline when Synch/Unite didn’t work, the various offshoots from their game that could have doomed them, 

AND AMONG THEM HE HAS BRAIN GHOST DIRK, WHO LIVES IN THE HEART OF THE PAGE OF HOPE, THE ONE CHARACTER IN HOMESTUCK TO CANONICALLY BEAT CALIBORN’S ASS AND ARGUABLY THE MOST POWERFUL CHARACTER IN THE GAME.

Come the fuck on.

Next idea is the one that Dirk is terrified of not existing.

This is literally not canon and is example 195342 of people attributing a facet of AR to Dirk. Even if the AR is genuinely terrified of not existing, he is a single representation of Dirk, not remotely a majority.

Dirk himself does not worry about dying/not existing. His Brobot self-terminates to help Jake. He kills himself to make Synch/Unite function. He willingly dissolves himself into nothing after GO happens. He takes the death in Collide to kill the bosses.

Dirk Strider is not afraid of non-existence and the idea he is literally just. NOPE. IT’S THE OPPOSITE THING ACTUALLY! YOU FLIPPED IT TURNWAYS MAN.

Also this is a smaller but very important one but the idea that Dirk “roxy you should really bone up on the historical significance of gender and sexuality bc a lot of those things have changed given our circumstances roxy are you falling asleep this is important” Strider would not understand or respect gender expression is the most laughable shit I ever heard.

So I mentioned there is only one thing that can make all this make sense.

And that Dirk is being used as the avatar of Hussie/CV/Ctset et al to make their shitty story actually function. Which accounts for all of this. Hussie is the one afraid of irrelevance and ‘death’ but also doesn’t love Homestuck as he once did, so this is the result. (My only concession to Hussie is man it must be hard to continue to love your work after someone steals all your fucking Kickstarter money.) Hussie is the one who is a phenomenal puppetmaster because he enjoys writing them and did so multiple times through the story. It’s not Dirk who has contempt for Jake and Jane, it’s Hussie (or likely V/Ctset given they are likely a Certain Someone who always hated Jake). And it is definitely Hussie and V who are capable of doing this to characters.

Anyway, the Epilogues suck and we can all stop saying they are “at least IC for Dirk” because its literally untrue. Even if there were a splinter inside Dirk capable of this (which I have Doubts about), the overwhelming prevailing majority of Dirk Strider is someone who dedicates his life to defeating his inner demons, both real and imagined and erroneously accepted out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

For the Epilogues to work, almost every defining character trait of Dirk’s has to be literally discarded. It’s not “IC” in the slightest.

Also the entire concept of the Ultimate Self was a shitty band aid for how Jade’s character was completely screwed by the story back in 2016 and it’s a shitty band aid to force the character in Homestuck maybe least likely to go full anime villain in 2019, and Hussie ain’t shit, bye.

[katreal-fic]

Day 5 — for #fictober 10/05/19

Prompt: “I might just kiss you.”

Fandom: Homestuck

Warnings: Cursing, 2nd Person POV

Part of a series. Please start from the beginning!

Characters: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde 

First | Previous | Next

x-x-x

Dirk > Get Over It

You don’t get over it. But, you’ve had years of the intrusions to learn to live with it. You pick yourself after time and the sea breeze allow the most persistent of the whispers to fade back into your brain. You don’t know how to stop it. You don’t think you can. Maybe it’s just in the universes’ cards that you’ll never be able to escape the insufferable and unignorable presence of your selves. Splintered, doomed, it’s a big old party full of the one person you hate the most. 

You’re on the computer this time, digging into some of the less physical aspects of your work for CrockerCorp. Coding wasn’t your favorite thing, but aside from Roxy and ARq, you were probably one of the better around, and as far as you know, neither of them were helping Jane out on a consulting basis. You ignore the humming in the back of your mind, the phantom disconnect bubbling out from some deep inner core that leaves you watching your hands performing their tasks and yet--not under your control at all. An observer. Weightless, formless, trapped in a world of numbers and words with only a single view to the world beyond.

Only that isn’t right, you could take the stairs to the roof and go wherever the fuck you wanted to. Maybe you’re trapped, but it’s your own damn choice.

That’s the most unnerving of the loose threads, you think, because you know exactly who is leaking through there and at least he has more of a right to inflict this shit on you than any of the others. 

It keeps leaking. Mixing. You wonder if one day you’ll stop noticing and cataloging and just accept it all as your lot in life. Maybe even use it.

You send off the finished product--even with clumsy as hell organic interfacing tools, you work more efficiently at this sort of task when your auto-responder rises to the surface--and scroll through your inbox for another one. 

One stands out from amongst the mixture of spam emails that somehow keep getting around your ever more sophisticated filter (you suspect ARquiusprite to be behind it, but have no proof) and the more mundane business communication you maintain with CrockerCorp’s research division. You used to go straight through Jane but...as the company expanded it became more efficient to just work directly with the developers since Jane wasn’t very plugged in to that particular aspect for the business. It unnerves you a little, thinking of the small bakery she opened to take back her family name from the Batterwitch, only for the business to balloon into such a multi-industry giant, filling many vital services in this world and only rivaled in scale by Jake’s revival of SkaiaNet. 

But you suppose that’s the responsibility of a god, taking the world in hand and guiding it. Benevolent patrons, looking down from on high, shaping the course of history and society into the best form it could be. Someone’s got to recreate the internet (the world’d better thank you and Roxy and ARquiusprite for that) and you weren’t willing to wait around for it to happen organically. Shit needed to get done, and sometimes, the eight of you were the ones who needed to do it. 

The rogue email stands out with it’s bright pink text and typo filled subject line. Why would Roxy send you an email? Why didn’t she just hit you up on Pesterchum or--

A thought and you have the window open in the corner of your display, fighting, and failing to resist the urge to press your palms into your face when you notice the little red dot next to Do Not Disturb. A little further digging and you turn up some unread notifications that never got sent due to the privacy settings.

Of fucking course. Of course you’d automatically flip it to DND when in one of your spirals and not even realize it. You remedy that mistake, but instead of scrolling back through Roxy’s messages--there’s also a meme sent your way from Dave, accompanied by an ironic selfie of him and Karkat from, Jesus Christ that was a month ago--you turn back to the email in your inbox. This would be the newest one, given the time stamp, which was only an hour ago.

There’s a picture attached, a night shot of New City, near where Roxy and Calliope set up. Roxy’s got the whole selfie thing going, smiling and radiant for the camera, pink eyes sparkling with mischief as she framed the background shot just perfectly.

There’s an orange and green streak across the cityscape, the tall buildings in the distant background, their lit windows shining like a million stars from across the bay. Calliope has her green-suited arms wrapped tightly around their neck, highlighted by feathered wings obviously hitting the end of their orange end of the gradient and starting down the green path. Despite the obvious speed (you can tell from the way Davepeta’s currently green coat is caught mid-whip behind them) the picture is perfectly clear and focused, as if you are looking through a window into an image frozen in time. 

Damn she’s good.

wishin’ u were here di-stri. i heard u got out a little. maybe u shuld do it again. liek maybe come out my way next tiem?? ;) we have fun.

You chew on the inside of your lip, studying the picture. The frozen mixture of delight and mild terror on Calliope’s face. The mischief on Roxy’s. You can’t see Davepeta’s even if you zoom in, what with the ever present glow beneath their skin and the glasses currently matching the same orange of their wings. You bet they are having a blast though. How did they manage to talk Calliope into that? You didn’t talk to the cherub much on your own, but you were under the impression she was a skittish thing.

Your hand moves on its own, triggering the sylladex withdrawal on reflex. The feather hums quietly in your hand. It’s fading. The colors duller. Moving slower. But it’s there and it’s a comfort and…

Maybe you should.

You open Pesterchum back up.

TT begins pestering TG

TT: Sorry Ro-Lal, I was buried in work. TT: If you’re free I could probably head out your way tomorrow. I’m at a lull in my projects.

You aren’t, really, but as you’ve been so clearly reminded by the peanut gallery, none of this shit actually matters. And…

You miss Roxy. If you turn down this invitation…

Well, they already stopped coming once, and you let them. 

You don’t expect an answer immediately; the carapacian kingdom was a few timezones ahead of your ocean bound kingdom. It’s well into dinner time and you bet she’s a little busy with her guests and being the most kickass hostess of all time. 

You barely pull up another project and start studying the design specifications before the window on your shades spring open, searing excited bright pink across your eyeballs.

TG: omg dirk really??? this is going to be awesome!!! Callie and i promised to take ARq and peta out for more shenanignss but oh my gawd thisll be soo much fun! Itll be liek old times! Ull have to keep me updatedf on ur ETA TG: gawd i havent seen you in so long i might just kiss u TG: plonk a big one rite smack dab on each cheek TT: Don’t make me reconsider now, Rox. TT: You know how I feel about smooches, advanced warning or not these cheeks are off limits without applying for a permit. It’s private real estate. TG: nu’uh buster no take backsies!!! U accepted the invitation u gotta put up with the potential of that ill be so overcome with joy at seeing ur face that there’ll be a shower of friendly smooches TG: see u tomorrow <3 TT: Tomorrow, it is Roxy.

You talk a bit more, but Roxy soon excuses herself to do the hosting thing, and you’re left wondering what you’d gotten yourself into.

You’d forgotten Davepeta was traveling with ARquius.

Trapped. Trapped and it’s your own damn fault.

There’s no way you’ll let Roxy down after all that though.

You’ll just have to deal with it when you get there.

First | Previous | Next

[waitineedaname]

tell me about the strilondes (i would go anonymous, but it wouldn't be a secret anyway)

HELL YEAH LET’S GO

Rose

How I feel about this character

she’s extremely good!! somehow kind of underrated despite being one of the main characters? she reminds me of someone I would’ve gravitated towards when I was her age lol we would’ve been friends in like eighth grade

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I mean Kanaya, obviously. Can’t go wrong with rosemary. also maybe Vriska but only in highly specific spades circumstances

My non-romantic OTP for this character

John/June!!!! their interactions in the early parts of Homestuck are so fucking funny, and they seem to really bring out the best in each other

My unpopular opinion about this character

I don’t really have any spicy takes on Rose... I’ll just go with something funny: she’s the most chaotic of the strilondes. Yes, she has more of a brain to mouth filter than some other people in her family, but her impulse decisions are Big and Dramatic. this is the girl who argued with her brother about going on a suicide mission, lost the argument, and then knocked him unconscious so she could go on the suicide mission anyway. what a woman.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

GIVE! HER! HER WIFE! am I talking about the meat epilogues? am I talking about how we didn’t get rosemary in pesterquest? BOTH BABY, I WANT ROSEMARY

Dave

How I feel about this character

that there is my SON. I would die for this boy. he’s one of those characters that I liked upon first meeting, and then he only got better from there

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I will talk endlessly about how good his relationship with Karkat is, don’t even test me. I could maybe get behind him and John too? It’s one of those ships that I don’t actively ship but it’s cute when I see it

My non-romantic OTP for this character

pale John and Dave is oh so very good!!! I shipped that before I even knew what moirallegiance was and only knew it was kinda like QPRs. also, his familial relationship with Roxy makes me so happy

My unpopular opinion about this character

again, I don’t really have any spicy takes on him? uhhh this is really only because I’ve come across a couple really old fics on ao3, and folks. this boy is not cool. he THINKS he’s cool and he PRETENDS he’s cool, but he’s really a BIG DWEEB. incredibly awkward. never been cool a day in his life. this hasn’t been an unpopular opinion in a while but eh

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I would’ve liked to have seen him interact with some other trolls! like Sollux or somebody, or even more interaction with Kanaya! his conversations with her were very funny and I wish there was More

Dirk

How I feel about this character

garbage boy stink man. I love him dearly. he’s so easy to pick on and I don’t know why, but he’s so much fun to bully relentlessly even though I love him as a character

All the people I ship romantically with this character

John! I didn’t ship dirkjohn at first, and then I read Romancing The Spitting Image Of Your Ex and it made me cry so here we are

My non-romantic OTP for this character

ROXY!!!!! they are pale and good. also his friendship with Jane is super underrated!

My unpopular opinion about this character

I Do Not Like d/rkj/ke. both because of aro jake reasons, and because it just? wasn’t good for either of them? they’re just not romantically compatible, and that’s FINE. they can be FRIENDS. FOR FUCKS SAKE.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I’d love to see how his initial interactions with Kanaya and Karkat went. he was probably like “oh shit these are Dave and Rose’s partners, I should do the older brother thing and intimidate them” and then they both decimate him

Roxy

How I feel about this character

MY LOVE! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. FUCK. GOD THEY’RE SO GOOD. sometimes I think about Roxy too much and my heart explodes

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Jane, Callie, or Jane AND Callie! Also, I’ve seen some cute stuff with Jade and Terezi too. Roxy just has so much love to give :’)

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Dirk! and Jake! Roxy is a Pale Sorcerer, moirallegiance runs in their veins. also their dynamic with Hal is quite good, and of course I love them and Rose and Dave

My unpopular opinion about this character

not necessarily unpopular but definitely a hot take: Roxy and Terezi are objectively the best characters in homestuck. the COMPLEXITIES. the HUMOR. the STRENGTH. the FLAWS. homestuck peaked on page 1524 when Terezi first spoke, and then again on page 4156 when Roxy first spoke, and that’s just the facts

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I want them to talk. to more. trolls. pls. and also talking to John about the fact that the two of them (and half of Davepetasprite I guess) are the only ones left from their universe :(

[xelinielx]

Wednesday - A JadeRoxy pirate AU one shot

This story is for my friend @tentiginouslogophile (Jade) whose birthday is today!! I failed at drawing pictures to this so you’ll have to settle for a short story heheh. It’s a bit messy because it’s hard for me to find motivation right now, though I really wanted to give you something today. I hope you’ll like it anyway. Happy birthday again! I love you!! I will probably rewrite this when I get my motivation back so it will be as great as you are 💕

Warning: contains a lot of fluff, the striders being dumbasses and implied smut.

-

Out of all the pirate ships sailing the Sburban sea, two stood out and were renowned as led by the scariest captains by all who saw them - but their crew wouldn’t agree.

Pirate captain Roxy Lalonde on the Mutie was actually one of the most absent-minded people on the planet. If they were born in the 21st century, her crew would have likened her with the pirate captain Jack Sparrow from the pirate movies, and Roxy would find that absolutely hilarious.

She was a good captain though, despite not always acting like one. In battle, she was a scary blur of swordstrokes, and she had gotten the nickname The Cat from her enemies. They all saw her as a terrifying force of nature, but her crew, who had more than once seen her throw up over the edge of the ship and fail to pet their aggressive ship’s cat, didn’t agree in the slightest. There was only one pirate brave enough to fight her.

Captain Jade Harley.

They had been fighting for as long as they could remember, always chasing each other and trying to beat the other. Today was the day they would clash again.

Jade Harley was seen as eccentric by her crew. She was brave, fast and had no hesitation in throwing herself in dangerous situations when needed. Also when not needed. That’s why her crew felt more like babysitters most of the time. “No captain, diving from the top of the mast is not a good idea in this storm.” “Captain, if you try to steer the ship through that gap it will sink.” “JADE FOR FUCKS SAKE DON’T TRY TO SHOOT THE SEAGULL WHILE WEARING A BLINDFOLD!”

Her enemies called her The Witch. She appeared out of practically nowhere with her ship, cannons firing rapidly. In the harbors there were people spreading stories about how she must have contacted Feferi the fabled Sea Witch and sold her soul for power.

The first time Jade heard those stories, she’d laughed so hard that she got the hiccups and couldn’t talk normally for the rest of the day. After that, she of course made sure to scream some long difficult words that sound like a spell to spur the stories even further when she fought the crews who dared oppose her.

-

Jade kicks the door to her quarters open with a well-aimed strike and steps out onto the deck, striking a grin. “Good morning everyone!” she exclaims and puts her captains hat over her unbrushed mess of black hair.

“‘sup Jade!” Dave calls out from atop some barrels where he’s sprawled out, eyepatches over both eyes. He was supposed to be the lookout but he was usually too lazy to do so. He also never wanted anyone to see his eyes, so he looked rather comical with the eyepatches.

“Is it Wednesday again?” Rose, the first mate asks and rolls up the map she was analyzing. Jade saunters over and smacks her hands on the table with a huge grin.

“It sure is! Let’s go to that island we passed last night. I’m sure they’ll be there.” Rose had long since learnt not to question her captain’s directives. Somehow, she always manages to get them to where they are supposed to go — even if it’s the complete wrong way according to Rose’s very accurate maps.

Sometimes she felt like she wanted to believe the sea witch rumors. “John! Prepare the cannons,” Jade shouts down a hatch, jousting the poor boy from his sleep by scaring him so bad that he crashes into the ground.

“Not Wednesday again,” he mutters and goes off to work the cannons while wrapping a blue napkin around his head.

Jade flops down on the deck and starts to pick apart her gun to clean it. It’s an important day after all, and she can’t have it ruined due to poor gun maintenance. What would grandpa say? The fact that she cleaned the gun yesterday doesn’t matter.

Dave groans as he hears the telltale clang of metal objects hitting the wooden deck and Jade humming.

“Is it fucking Wednesday again? Wasn’t it Wednesday like yesterday?” Jade giggles and throws a dirty rag on Dave and takes out a new one. Dave jerks back and almost falls off the ship.

“Shit man don’t scare me like that.” He slips off the barrels (in the right direction) and takes a seat with his back against them. “Like do you want me to die before we even fight? That is so uncool of you. And you call yourself our captain.”

Jade shuts out Dave’s usual rambling and focuses on her gun. When she’s gone over it three times, she’s satisfied and puts it back together.

“There’s a ship to starboard, Captain,” Rose calls out after a while. Jade gives Dave a disapproving look that he doesn’t see.

“And what a good lookout you are then,” she complains before running up to Rose, who is steering the ship.

She could identify that flag anywhere. “It’s them all right,” she says, face turning serious. From the way people start moving on the other ship, Jade knows that they have seen them too.

I mean not that a huge pirate ship is that easy to hide.

“To your stations!” Jade calls and runs over to the side of the ship, tying a rope with a hook securely to the side. “We’re boarding them!”

It doesn’t take long for the ships to close in on each other. Jade scans her opponents with a stern face. There is the black haired guy who wields two small guns and uses weird words to threaten them. What even does “Tally-ho!” mean? Then, there is their cook who doesn’t really like to fight. She holds a kitchen knife in one hand and looks uneasy. She will be easy to take down.

There is the blonde guy who wields an odd sword and looks even dumber than Dave. They seem to have the same mindset about letting people see their eyes- and seeing, apparently. The only difference is that this guy’s eyepatches are cut into triangles. How does that even work?

And then, staring straight at her, a sword and pistol in each hand, blonde hair flying in the wind is no one else but the ship’s captain and Jade’s nemesis.

“Roxy,” she says, and the grip on her gun tightens.

Roxy’s painted lips curl into a smile, and the sun reflects off the small black cat she has dangling from an ear. “Hi there Jadie.” She places the back of a hand against her hip and blows a lock of hair away from her face.

Jade takes a moment to take note of the sleek, fancy pink coat with golden buttons adorning Roxy’s body, the headband she has tied around her head and the white tights ending in knee-high boots.

She can feel Roxy’s eyes scanning her, seeing the loose white shirt, her large captains hat and green pieces of fabric tied around her waist into a loose, comfortable skirt.

Jade can almost feel Dave roll his eyes. “Prepare to be boarded!” Jade suddenly shouts, knocking everyone out of their staring contests. She throws the rope over to the other ship and runs over on the taut line without even swaying. Her crewmates (except for John, who runs down the hatch to the cannons) grab ropes and throw them onto Mutie’s mast, swinging themselves over. They are not going to run over a rope. In just a few moments, swords are clanging and shots are fired.

Dave and Dirk engage in a fierce battle in the front of the ship. Their swords clash together with skill and precision — the fact that neither of them can see doesn’t seem to matter. They attack and block quickly, engaging in a dangerous dance.

On the opposite side of the ship, Rose is using her sword to strike Jake’s pistols rapidly, trying to keep him from shooting. She uses the ship to her advantage, swinging her sword to urge Jake into a more vulnerable position. Jane seems to have disappeared down into the ship again. That’s just as well.

In the middle of the ship, Jade and Roxy cross blades. They whirl around each other, anticipating each other’s moves. Roxy makes a jab with her sword, and Jade slaps it away with the front of her gun, twisting around to pound the back of it into Roxy’s stomach and make her loose her footing for a moment.

But only for a moment. Roxy charges immediately, knocking Jade against the edge of the ship with her shoulder. Jade kicks Roxy’s legs before she can regain her balance, but Roxy slips her gun behind Jade’s back, knocking her to the ground with her.

They tumble around for a moment, Jade knocks the gun from Roxy’s hand with a slap from the flat side of her blade as she struggles to get out on top.

Roxy fights back and straddles Jade, holding her sword at her throat. She feels some metal touch her chin, and her eyes dart down to see Jade smirking with the nozzle of her gun aimed at her. They make eye contact for a second, then two.

Unanimously, they drop their weapons, and Roxy leans down to kiss Jade as Jade leans up to meet her lips. Jade’s hands land on Roxy’s waist, and Roxy places her hands on either side of Jade’s face, gently brushing her hair out of the way.

The rest of the world fades away as the two of them relish in the feeling of each other. The closeness of their bodies, the beating of their hearts, and the taste of the each other’s lips.

Roxy knocks the stupid hat off Jade’s head, grinning against her lips. Jade retaliates by slipping her hands under Roxy’s coat, feeling the soft skin of her stomach.

“Hell no, I’m not watching this.” The two of them part to look at the intruder. Dirk is staring straight up into the sky, triangular eyepatches still over his eyes. Roxy snorts and gives Jade another peck on the lips.

They slip into Roxy’s quarters and shut the door as their crewmates sit down together at the back of the ship. Jane comes up to join them with a few bottles of rum, and John shows up too after a while.

“You’re getting better,” Rose tells Jake after taking a swig of the rum. “Just a few more years and you might beat me.” Dave snorts and almost chokes on the drink.

They chat and joke together until the sun sets. There are several empty bottles of rum between them, and at some point, Jane went away to get them some food to snack on as well.

They hear the giggling before they see Roxy and Jade slip out of the hut. Roxy’s coat is buttoned in the wrong holes, and Jade’s hair is even more of a mess than earlier.

“Clean up after yourselves,” Jane groans and rests her head against the floor, knowing that no one will listen.

Jade and Roxy hold hands, smiling warmly at each other. Jade leans forward to place another kiss on Roxy’s lips. “Same time next Wednesday?” she asks. Roxy can see the sun set in her green eyes.

She places Jade’s hat back on her mess of black hair and kisses her nose with a giggle. “Next Wednesday.”

With those words, Jade’s crew returns to their own ship and Rose sets the course for wherever she likes, as she does every Wednesday.

As the ships part in different directions underneath the night sky, two captains stand at the far back of their ships, staring longingly at each other across the sea that mirrors the stars in the sky until the other ship disappears from view, waiting for the next Wednesday.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #186

UPDATE 186: Political Assassination

Last time John finally got that tooth off his chest, and Jake agreed to give his endorsement to Karkaroni. Now what will happen? Let’s see.

Has it been days since Jade has been sitting on that couch, levitating and with her eyes completely black? Given everything that has happened in the meantime it sure feels like it has. Roxy’s getting worried, she tried to call Rose but she didn’t respond, so instead he goes for the next option she has: Dave. Who immediately brags about working to stop Jane from screwing up everything. The words ‘neoliberal austerity measures’ are unsaid but they’re like an echo when Dave talks about the presidential campaign, I bet. He’s busy handling Jake’s endorsement speech.

ROXY: i guess in the grand scheme of things

ROXY: shes just takin a sort of nap

ROXY: but its one HELL of a nap bro

‘one hell of a nap, davey, shes been blacked out for, like, a week’

It seems the troll candidate is more popular with the trolls and the carapacians than with the humans and consorts. How don’t they have more consort supporters? Hopefully Jake’s endorsement will change that.

ROXY: lmao dirk just texted me about this

ROXY: somehow he found out about jade did u tell him

DAVE: uh no

ROXY: he just said make sure she gets lotsa daylight

ROXY: that itll help with the “exorcism she needs”.....

ROXY: and also to say hi to calliope for some fuckin reason??

DAVE: thats weird

Well that makes clear what the best course of action is: don’t open the windows nor place her anywhere in the daylight. If Dirk’s advice will help with the exorcism she needs – to get Dead Calliope out – then it’s a bad idea. I’m enjoying this epilogue much more with Dead Calliope controlling the narrative, thanks.

It’s alarming Kanaya isn’t picking up either. Could Dirk have gotten rid of her? I sure hope not! Kanaya has done nothing wrong and deserves to stay alive, what with being the professional when it’s about troll reproduction. She better still be fine and kicking!

DAVE: i gotta give karkat some emotional support

DAVE: since gettin jake on our side was a pretty huge fucking bonanza for us

DAVE: which has almost equal probability of winning us the election as it does blowing up in our faces depending on this speech he gives

DAVE: so we gotta like

DAVE: concentrate here?????

DAVE: instead of jerking each other off all god damned day for the rest of our lives

DAVE: (im just joking we dont actually do that)

ROXY: oh

They don’t do that, much to Jade’s disappointment, I bet. Either way, it’s speech time!

The struggle to take control of the narrative is a petty squabble, says Dirk, taking the high ground by offering Dead Calliope a way out. Buddy, pal, friend, you can’t take the high ground and then insinuate Calliope is ugly as sin. That is petty.

Apparently everybody thinks Dave loves Karkaroni, and although I believe that too, it’s fine if Dave never comes to terms to that. The guy marches at the beat of his own drum, he’ll be fine. This kind of thing can’t be forced on him. Speaking of things that can’t be forced, Roxy wants to know how Dave came out to everyone else as not straight. Oh dear, Roxy, I don’t think Dave ever did that. You’re asking the wrong person – unless you want the answer to be ‘deny it for like eight years now’.

He’s not really denying it right now, though. Maybe he did come out to the others and I didn’t find out until now. He’s not comfortable enough with rapping about ‘boning dudes’ in middle of a stadium where so many people can see him, but he’s not running away from the question. Way to go, Dave! I approve character growth!

Somehow Dave has this entire spiel about all the steps of admitting not being straight. On what phase are you, Dave? Inquiring minds want to know. I’d paste the entire thing here, because it’s pretty good stuff, but it’d feel like I’m applying filler for the sake of applying filler, so I won’t.

Dirk really doesn’t want a conversation about gender. Personally I have to agree because, even though this is great for development and I appreciate all of Dave’s steps, this is kind of a random place to shove this in. Pretty bad place, really. It’d have been great at a different moment.

Horrendously invasive of Roxy’s deepest personal thoughts.

...uh, Dirk, you know what else is horrendously invasive? Taking over the narration and manipulating people around. Also the assimilation plan, that’s more than horrendously invasive.

Okay, this is going for long enough.

DIRK: Do you even know where I am right now?

DIRK: Do you have the slightest idea what I’m up to?

the prince is laboring under the delusion that he has been the least bit subtle in his intentions. he currently stands beneath the carapacian bell tower, poised to climb to the top. he holds the long, red sniper rifle that once belonged to roxy, brandishing it openly and boldly. he seems mysteriously oblivious to the fact that holding a long rifle in broad daylight somewhat tips one to the fact that he soon intends to shoot someone from a great distance. he also seems unaware of the fact that i know perfectly well that the top of this tower has a clear, long-range view of the stadium, allowing any competent sniper a clear shot of whoever happens to be standing at the podium as they give a speech. as jake english is about to do.

he also doesn’t seem to realize i have anticipated his attempt to assassinate his own friend in order to advance his political goals, and that i am prepared to take measures which make this impossible.

It really sounds like Dirk’s getting ready to shoot, he’s up at the right place and has a view of the stadium where Jake will be, but...I don’t know, ever since Roxy said Dirk messaged her about keeping Jade in the sunlight for ‘an exorcism’ I have been feeling uneasy, and now that this all was said just now, well, I kind of suspect Dirk may try to shoot and kill Jade. It sure would free her of Dead Calliope’s control and possibly give him back the control of the narrative. It’s a possibility, no?

Somehow the next few paragraphs resembles a schoolyard roleplaying fight. ‘You can’t reach the top of the stairs because...your feet feel really heavy’ ‘really? Then I can fly’ ‘and then the bell came crashing down on you!’ ‘I cut that stupid bell with my sword!’ ‘not fair!’ ‘yes fair!’.  It’s endearing in its own way.

DIRK: He wonders out loud, “what is this, amateur hour”?

DIRK: The Dead Cherub then humorlessly narrates, “why, yes. yes mr. strider, it IS amateur hour. and i’m the amateur here, for throwing a huge bell at you. i would like to humbly apologize for my amateurism.”

no i don’t.

DIRK: Sure you do.

I’m having fun with this part, guys, I really am! This is great.

This is over when Dead Calliope, trying to stop the focus on Dirk and his increasingly petty narration, turns the attention back to Dave who must still be explaining to Roxy the intricacies of coming out to their friends. I see keeping a show in a standstill is a Strider family trait.

DAVE: well lets just say internalized whatevers are kind of like an onion

DAVE: theres lots of layers

DAVE: they suck on pizza

DAVE: and trolls have to get their stomach pumped if they eat them

That has got to be the most contrived simile Dave has said in recent history.

Dirk continues saying very clearly he’s about to shoot Jake, and the more he states that so bluntly the more I suspect there’s something else going on.

‘Xenophobe’ and related words are starting to stop looking like a real word. It just has been said so many times.

Everything is making Dave feel like something’s wrong – undoubtedly Dead Calliope’s influence – so he gets in the path of any potential bullets, protecting Jake with his own body.

and despite dave’s quick and well-justified action, what is also unbeknownst to him is that the sniper no longer poses a threat of pulling that trigger. because everyone knows that for all of the prince’s shortcomings, he would never expose his beloved brother and son to the risk of a heroic death.

DIRK: You’re absolutely right.

DIRK: I would never do that.

DIRK: I’d never kill Dave, no matter what I felt the stakes were. I’d never hurt him either.

I’m pretty willing to bet taking over Dave’s self doesn’t count as killing or hurting him, therefore it’s fair game. Dave would be pretty unhappy to know what Dirk’s doing, anyway. The narrative reveals what’s in the sniper rifle are not bullets, they’re tranquilizers. It’d be a non-fatal way of keeping someone out of the way for a while. The second thing Dead Calliope got wrong, though...

DIRK: Yes. You’re right about the tranquilizer.

DIRK: But there’s one more fact you’re not aware of.

DIRK: Which is that I never intended to aim for Jake at all.

Well then! Turns out I may have been right about that he intends to shoot Jade. He must feel really confident about it if he can announce it aloud after aaaall the charades he did to fool Dead Calliope. Is it Jade, Dirk? Will you tranquilize Jade and pretty much put her to sleep – non-fatally?

Dirk spins in what must be the tiniest bell tower ever, given he only has to spin to change direction and be able to aim somewhere else, and gets ready to shoot. All Dead Calliope can do is freeze Dirk’s finger on the trigger, but he thought ahead and made the rifle to be voice-operated. All he has to do is say ‘fire’. Which he does! Game over for Dead Calliope?

Pretty good aim, hitting a vein from all this distance. Jade indeed has gotten tranquilized, and I’m pretty sure given this isn’t the first time Dirk uses tranquilizers – he uses them in TV – it shouldn’t be too hard for anyone to realize this is Dirk’s orangey shady hand making the moves.

The insult against Jade is uncalled for, Dirk. But yeah, the result of all this is that Dirk is once again back in control of the narrative, which makes me sigh with exasperation. I really liked Dead Calliope’s narration more than Dirk’s, so I’m not looking forward to this change.

Roxy drops to her knees by the couch, pulls the dart out of Jade’s neck, and tries to shake her awake. But it’s no use. That’s a heavy dose I gave her. Could be out for weeks. Maybe months? Can’t have any cherubs messing with my business on this planet. At least not until I’ve taken my leave. But Jade’s gonna be fine. Don’t worry about that.

So...she’s pretty much in a coma. Could be worse, could be worse. She could be dead. This is barely better.

Cherubs are fuckin’ weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick. What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection.

Well, I for one have had enough of that goddamn toothache. I’m back in the protein saddle, motherfuckers. I’m clacking my tongs, and the charcoal is hot.

Now who’s hungry for meat?

Does that mean the candy epilogue is all Dead Calliope’s influence seeping through instead of Dirk’s? It could be interesting to see what kind of thing she does to the world. Although...given the effects of the trickster lollipop and how ‘sweetness beyond comprehension’ is perfection to them, it’s bound to be nightmarish. I’m actually looking forward to that!

Speaking of meat, holy shit. You just look more fucked up every time we come back to you, don’t you, John?

You’re a disgraceful mess right now. Covered in blood, mysteriously sticky, bruised all over your arms, legs, and neck. Terezi practically raked rows into your back. You catch sight of yourself in the rearview mirror. You’re kind of embarrassed by what a postcoital train wreck you look like when all she’s got is mussed hair. And you should be embarrassed. Seriously, it’s like you were mauled by a wild animal. Jesus, don’t either of you have any shame?

Ah. Okay then, good for them, although I’m pretty concerned. Such a physically intensive activity can’t be good for the guy with a gaping hole in the chest and the troll who still must be half-starved. I won’t be surprised if these two just pass out and die anytime soon. I’m not entirely sure, but it seems things are awkward now between these two. Maybe it was all a spur-of-the-moment move.

You sit together on the hatch, like when you first met up days ago. Terezi crawls into your arms, and nuzzles right up against your chest so you have no choice but to hold on to her. You would have done it anyway if she asked, because you’re a total sap. The kind of guy who no doubt thinks banging a girl in a car is some deep, soul-shattering experience that bonds you for life. Yeah, John, you do think that. You think that you and Terezi are basically married now.

I can’t tell if he really thinks that or if Dirk’s funneling those thoughts into him. The line between what the character feels and what Dirk wants them to feel is pretty blurry by now.

After all this, Terezi gives up on looking for Vriska, so this is a prime moment for her to fly by and find them. She doesn’t, though, and John proposes Terezi to go home with him. Can they even go home? John is so tired it’s possible they can’t – which he really should have thought about before doing said physically intensive activity. Nobody to blame but yourself, John. Seriously, you have an open wound and bled like four liters of blood. You’re as good as dead.

He feels the urge to lie down and sleep, which is a pretty bad idea given the situation. Terezi rouses him up, so instead he decides to give this a try and zap back home. Hmmmm...if he’s so tired right now, it’s possible the act of zapping home will drain whatever energy he has left, so I’m not...very optimistic about John’s chances of survival. Would this count as a heroic death? Can you die from a heroic death if you die like two weeks after the offending injury is made? If he dies from exertion after having sex with Terezi that doesn’t count as a death because having sex with Terezi is neither heroic nor just, no? Oh well.

Back in the stadium, the inexistent assassination attempt may have given Karkaroni a push in the polls, and Dirk spends quite a while brandishing Jake like a piece of meat. Really, can he be treated as more than a flat character whose only non-flat trait is his posterior? Jake’s nervous and fidgets around, so much Dave and Karkaroni show concern and offer to cancel the speech and/or the campaign. It seems our favorite presidential troll still doesn’t like the idea of having leadership, he’s ready to throw the towel anytime. Jake insists he can do it, so he starts!

I don’t remember Dirk being so outright antagonistic in Homestuck. It’s making me pretty uncomfortable, I have to admit. It feels kind of out of nowhere, just like Jane’s sudden xenophobic inclinations are. What was Hussie thinking when he wrote all this? What was his intention?

Jake’s getting pretty nervous and I can’t tell if he’s getting stage fright or if Dirk’s influencing him to be nervous. The latter is a possibility, no? Wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what’s going on.

Why don’t you have a good, long think about that, Jake.

Is this really the time for a good, long think? Jake muses to himself, actually putting a finger to his chin like some public domain clip art picture of a befuddled guy. If the crowd is confused by his rapid-cycle mood changes, they don’t show it. Jake’s got a bit of a day-drinking problem, which has been slavishly documented in the global tabloids. That’s how you avoid responsibility, isn’t it, Jake? You can fool your fans, but not yourself. The truth is that there’s a canniness to the act. It’s partially cultivated. You’re stupid, but you’re not nearly as stupid as you pretend to be.

JAKE: What in the devil was i thinking coming here?

JAKE: Why did I...?

JAKE: I came here to...

... slide the biggest knife any motherfucker ever wielded directly into your friend Jane Crocker’s back?

She loves you, Jake, more than anything, and you toyed with her heart. And you would have guiltlessly toyed with her “kettle drums” too had it not been for a bit of divine intervention, let’s decide to call it.

Sigh. That’s...that’s all I can do with all this. Sigh and keep reading. Third time I’m scrolling through the epilogue a tad faster than I should. It’s pretty much an entire page of gaslighting. Nothing really worth delving into, mainly because it’s pretty uncomfortable to read such a thing. Dirk’s being the abusive ex, pretty much. Nothing really worthwhile.

JAKE: I love dirk!

JAKE: IM IN *LOVE* WITH DIRK!!!

 And to love Dirk is to obey him.

You know, there are a few reasons why I’m thinking of liveblogging these epilogues. I’ll explain them later, but right now I may as well say a word of two: the epilogue is competently written. The events in it are interesting, and the interactions are raw and full of emotion. It’s all pretty unpleasant to read, which makes it a bit novel, like swallowing bitter medicine. It’s pretty good, in a technical way.

But it simply doesn’t work with Homestuck characters. It just doesn’t.

Anyway, let’s continue scrolling down to the end of the page and go to the next.

I was right in that zapping back to Earth C would take what was left of John’s energy. He barely can give three steps before he falls down, so it’s all up to Terezi now. She wants to bring John to Jane, so she can revive him. I don’t think she has revived him before, so it should be a good idea. It’d be better to bring Jane to John, though.

It doesn’t matter. This isn’t a wound you can recover from. It’s Game Over this time: no healing, no afterlife, no cosmic clock proclaiming your sacrifice as Heroic. The poison needling through you is antithetical to narrative relevance. You’re not dying, John. You’re being erased. Cherubs don’t fuck around. We’ve both been learning that the hard way.

Oh, nevermind, it’s something not even Jane with her life powers can fix. I wonder if, once John is erased, nobody will remember him. That’s what happens when there’s no place for you in a narrative, no? Hmmm...

John already know he’s irreversibly going to die, and tells Terezi not to waste her time, that he was dead the moment Lord English bit him. Which is true, given this poison. Then he says he was dead the moment he woke up that morning, which...I suppose is the depression talking.

You died the moment you made the decision to go meet your destiny. You would have lived if you made the other decision, under a certain definition of the word “living.” You might have even lived until the end of your immortal life span, as shitty as that sounds.

So he’d have lived for the rest of his life if he had decided to do nothing. Makes sense. This may have been for the better, given Lord English needed to be defeated, so it’s time well-spent. It’s rather unfortunate it involves John’s death, but...in a way I saw this coming. Pretty tragic outcome, and given this epilogue has been chock-filled with a lot of tragedy and pessimistic scenarios, it only made sense this would happen.

It’s dying words time! Terezi is really affected because she really cares for John, and also they had a ‘emotionally significant sexual encounter’, so she’s even willing to listen to all the sappy stuff John will say in his deathbed. This is bound to be rather emotional! And the fact he can’t even think of something appropriate to say in his final moments is what makes it emotional because this isn’t how he imagined this would go. He can’t even think of quotes from his movies. Terezi offers to tell everyone John Egbert said some cool stuff in his final moments and make everybody believe it somehow, so instead John goes straight towards the sappy and tragic. There he goes!

JOHN: i think... i really lo—

TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3

JOHN: i... r-really lov—

TEREZI: DONT YOU D4R3 FUCK1NG D13 ON M3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4 LOV3 CONF3SS1ON!

TEREZI: 1 FORB1D 1T!!!

JOHN: but... i...

JOHN: i...

Then John dies in the middle of a love confession.

Love confession on the deathbed! It’s like this truly came from a movie, haha. Terezi is devastated, so much she can’t even bring herself to cry properly. Once she confirms he’s dead, she ponders what she should do now, alone in the world John wanted to bring her to. She doesn’t have anything else to do, so after a moment – and at Dirk’s behest – she takes John’s corpse in Dad Egbert’s wallet and starts walking.

It has been a month already. Jane won the election after what I figure was Jake’s endorsement speech for her, so that’s that. Terezi has been rather lost this whole month, and nobody has seen John Egbert – instead of saying he’s dead -- so I suppose she hasn’t told anyone he’s dead. Rose has been missing the entire time and Kanaya has been pushed around by Dirk’s machinations to keep him distracted while he keeps Rose locked away somewhere, both mentally and physically, I figure. All in all, it’s a pretty grim outlook for everybody in Homestuck. Also, Jade is still in coma. Terezi goes to visit her, perhaps to tell her what happened to John?

Dirk continues being so salty Roxy’s experimenting with her gender, apparently. Aren’t there a million other things to deal with, pal?

Roxy is very glad to see Terezi, and she takes Terezi thinking she’s Dave as a compliment. She also compliments Terezi, giving her some heartache because it makes her remember the time she spent with John. It may have been a few hours, apparently. Time works in mysterious ways up there in paradox space!

The reason Terezi is here is because she feels John would come here, and she’s right, I bet. John would want to check on Jade as much as he can, so now that she’s carrying John’s cadaver around, she feels she should handle this all herself. It’s also confirmed she hasn’t told anyone John is dead.

ROXY: back when jade first got all effed up callie saw somethin and it made them freak out

ROXY: it took me weeks to convince them that it was safe to come home

ROXY: but now we got the opposite problem and they arent leavin the house at all

ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls

TEREZI: WH4T?

ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise

ROXY: some of it is like

ROXY: weird and violent??

ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um

ROXY: nudity????

TEREZI: >:?

ROXY: yeah yikes

ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit

ROXY: anyway thats kept callie kinda busy

ROXY: so it was hard as hell to convince them to let me come see jade at all

ROXY: its like theyre traumatized

ROXY: and they think ill drag whatever possessed jade back into our home with me

So the end result for Calliope is that she’s traumatized. Seeing a dead version of herself possessing Jade must have really rattled her. As I said, this is all pretty grim for everyone in Homestuck, goodness. Although...part of me wonders if her current state is partly because of Dirk’s influence. He’s petty enough to mess with the living Calliope’s head as a ‘take that’ for Dead Calliope.

Someone tries to contact Terezi through her phone, she’s not sure who it’d be. Perhaps Dirk? He did show a preference to sending messages to his former friends and acquaintances. As if things weren’t awkward enough for Terezi, she’s asked if she knows what happened to John. Terezi, you can’t keep this under wraps forever. Sooner or later you have to tell everyone John died because of injuries in Lord English’s fight.

It seems Terezi can hear Dirk perfectly even when he’s talking in the narration, I suppose it’s because of her aspect. Oh, be careful with the stuff you say, Dirk! She’s also willing to whisper stuff to address Dirk, even if it gets odd looks from other people. On the other hand, this kind of leaves her more vulnerable to Dirk’s machinations, no? Part of manipulating people is responding to what they say, so with some luck this won’t go belly-up.

Once the conversation is over Roxy leaves and Dirk exposits Terezi still feels guilty about hiding John’s death from everyone, and she can’t even confide in Dave because of mistakes she did as a teenager in another timeline. It’s the curse of having the Mind aspect, isn’t it? Knowing what the choices cause. All of Dirk’s exposition bothers Terezi enough for her to tell him to scram, and he refuses to do so.

Come on, Terezi. You don’t belong here. You know you don’t belong here.

Do you feel threatened by Terezi, Dirk? Is that why you’re trying to push her away? I don’t think Terezi has anything that could be particularly useful against Dirk’s plans, so I’m not sure why he’s bothering to mess with her like this. She even points out they barely have crossed words.

Okay, I believe he feels threatened by her in some manner because he tries to convince her to join him in...some place. More like he wants her out of Earth C. He even offers to let her take John with her, which is why I’m sure he made her pick up the corpse, so he could manipulate her by using John. He finally leaves her alone with her thoughts, sure he managed to convince her enough. We’ll see.

Stopping for now!

Next time: next update

[orangeccreamsicles]

Dirk: => Theorize

TT: You know a lot about Sburb, don't you? TT: In the short time that I was a sprite, I cataloged as much information as I could, thinking it may come in handy. You could say that the knowledge granted to me could be categorized as "a lot". TT: That being said, I only know what a sprite would know. I’m not fucking omniscient. TT: Why? TT: I’ve been thinking about my future self.

TT: Ah. It’s not good to dwell on events out of your control or out of the realms of possibility TT: But it is still possible, is it not? TT: Under specific circumstances, I can foresee you becoming the you we were able to catch a glance of. Extremely specific circumstances. TT: And what about not becoming him, but becoming someone who ends up playing? TT: There is a greater possibility there. TT: That’s enough for me to want to do a little digging. TT: Fine. What is it you were looking to know? TT: Derse and Prospit are the two planets on which your dream self can appear, I know that already. Are there any conditions which must be met to appear there, and can they exist outside a session? TT: The game decides which planet you inhabit based, for the most part, on core parts of your personality, and just a bit of fuckery. TT: Alternates of myself have never appeared, separate from you or not, nor have any civilians, so I would deduce you must be an active player with their own form to appear. TT: I've known instances in which the moons and planets can be removed from their session along with its players, as well as instances in which a moon may be transferred to a new session, but there are no records of either Derse or Prospit existing independently from a session. TT: And my dreams? TT: They match very closely with accumulated descriptions of Derse. A purple planet, populated by black chitinous folks, violent in nature, and sensationalizing nobility not yet awakened. TT: A prince, a knight, a rogue, and a seer, tucked away in towers high above the general population, while a war stirs in the tabloids between the Dersites and Prospitians. TT: It is likely that your dream self has awoken early on Derse, but keep in mind that the possibility that these dreams are a reflection of your fears of the future taking form in rumors you’ve heard of a death game is also present. TT: Sure. TT: So. We may yet play the game. TT: We knew that the moment we realized who your future self was. TT: But the differences were large enough to disregard that future. What about now? TT: Now, it’s the same story. Nothing has changed, save for your newly acquired knowledge. TT: What about his cause of death? TT: That’s a different matter entirely. TT: Is it? Burnt to a crisp by a psionic. Have I pissed off any psionics that you know of recently? TT: The alternian empress has psionic capabilities. TT: Why the fuck would we be fighting the empress? TT: I’m not sure. TT: Who do you think it’s more likely would have killed me? An angry psionic from a separate timeline, unaffected by whatever may happen in this timeline but certainly affected by where I stick my nose and how far I take it, already known to be on bad terms, or a far off empress who barely acknowledges the Earth anymore, targeting some random fuck off already slated for death by a game created by who knows what. TT: We don’t know if it was just or heroic. TT: We can make a pretty good guess. TT: It could go either way. TT: One possibility is more likely than the other. TT: Perhaps. Don’t rule out other factors. You’ve met other psionics, we may meet more yet. TT: He was years in the future. We don’t know who killed him or for what reason. TT: We only know the cause. If that. TT: Didn’t he say you and Sollux were on relatively good terms? TT: He said that they were okay, but he fucked something up. I’d say this is as good of a fuckup as we’re going to get. TT: Fuck. I don’t want to see a worse fuckup than this. TT: Neither do I. It was pretty bad, dude. TT: Fuck off. TT: Oh, are we done? I can fuck off quite easily if you’re done wasting both of our times. TT: And by that I mean fuck off right back here, I’m not done. TT: Picking up on some of Vantas’ vocabulary, are we? TT: Pick up the pace. I may have all day but that doesn’t mean I want to spend it talking to you. TT: It’s still likely to turn out similar to the future we’ve seen. TT: It’s a possibility. One that’s more likely than, say, you turning into a murderous psychopath and killing everyone you know and love. TT: That’s comforting. TT: What else do we know? TT: He and Bo were matesprits up until his death. He and his session had yet to win. At some point he and Wig vacillated pale and pitch. TT: I can’t help but feel that last part is unimportant. TT: That’s all we know. What else do you want me to say? TT: Something more substantial than my imminent relationship drama would be nice. TT: I’ll be sure to let you know when you decide to talk about anything other than that. TT: Seriously, you do not shut up. TT: I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m feeling angry and betrayed, can’t you find someone to vent to that isn’t me? Like Joanne! Or Roxy! Or Cass, I’m sure she’d love to know about how in the few hours after you came home and celebrated, you managed to fuck everything up! TT: Can we get back on topic? TT: Uncomfortable because you don’t want to confront your mistakes, aren’t we Dirk? TT: The future version of myself that we saw isn’t a self in which I’m able to become, at this point. TT: Correct. TT: But something similar is possible. TT: Likely, even, depending on how much of your dreams are real. TT: So. TT: So? TT: What do we do? TT: Don’t ask me, dude. you're the one this affects. I'm just the guy that runs the numbers and tries to keep you from getting too far into your own head. TT: By the way, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing you’re doing right now. TT: Is there a way to prevent the game if it’s already slotted to begin, or to stop it once it’s started? TT: Those two questions are, really, asking the same thing. TT: If it’s meant to begin, it’s already started. TT: In a sense, it’s always been running. TT: It’s already here, and all that. TT: The only solution I can see for now is to abandon this universe to be destroyed by the coming meteors, and escape to a new one. TT: Still, that is entirely hypothetical. Perhaps you’re doomed to play and it would simply follow you to your new world, dooming every subsequent place you choose to hide out in until the weight of the worlds you’ve killed drives you to face your fate. TT: Perhaps it doesn’t matter what you do. TT: ... TT: Too much? TT: I’ve been reading a lot lately. TT: You have a flair for the dramatic. TT: It has to have a beginning point, doesn’t it? TT: If it’s some sort of loop, there has to be a starting and ending point, even if they create themselves. TT: I have some theories regarding loops and Bro that you may want to hear out some time, by the way. TT: As if this conversation couldn’t get any more lighthearted. TT: The starting point would be the creation of the game itself, kickstarting events that would lead to the empowerment of the final boss, as well as the creation and destruction of the universe. TT: You’re getting a little off track. TT: Right. TT: The closest thing you could get to a starting point is the development and revitalization of old codes by the companies Skaianet and Crockercorp, depending on the universe. TT: Of course, those were only found, not created. TT: Those both sound pretty fucking familiar, dude. TT: They sure fucking do, man. TT: So Jane and Jade or Jake are responsible for the apocalypse game? TT: They had nothing to do with it in timelines I’ve studied. Plans for their development and release were far in development before either of them would have even be aware of their inheritance.  TT: So they could be in development now. TT: If they are, they won’t be released for a while yet. It’s kind of a big fucking deal in any timeline when they’re announced. TT: Great. TT: So the bottom line is, either I’m fucking delusional and seeing things where they’re not, TT: Entirely likely if you ask me. TT: I didn’t. TT: Or, we’re completely fucked, my dream self is awake, one of those companies are going to release a death game that we either ignore and go down with the rest of the world, or play and have an extremely high if not guaranteed chance of dying in some other horrific manner. TT: That sounds about right. TT: And even if we survive, that only heightens the chance that I’m going to fuck up yet again and piss Sock off enough that he burns me to a crisp. TT: The future is bright. TT: Fuck! TT: Lmao. The chances of any of these things happen individually are low enough, but the longer you go on the worse the chances get. TT: BUT. TT: If you’re so worked up about this then we can plant a copy of myself in Mom’s lab. TT: Skaianet has a subdivision studying and predicting meteor paths, that’s what she does. TT: Kind of suspicious that a company responsible for the end of the world VIA meteors has a branch dedicated to looking at them. TT: Or, it’s a major company that deals with all kinds of fields, the largest of all being the development of new technology, which happens to line up with the massive influx of advancements regarding space travel that communication with trollkind has brought upon us as a society.  TT: I like my theory better. TT: You would. TT: This is something that you’ve had on your mind for a while, yeah? TT: I’ll tell you right now, it’s not going to happen, and if it does, we’ll be able to figure it out in time to make a real plan about it. TT: So stop fucking worrying about it. TT: If there were a problem, I’d tell you. TT: You’ve made sure of that.

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogue(s) - Prologue (page 1)

I've just read right until the end of the first Prologue page. Under the Read More are my initial reactions!

Oh boy... it's time. Time for the Epilogues... assuming it's available yet and/or the link on homestuck.com doesn't lead to a VIZ Media buy link for a book form of the Epilogue, I could also see that happening. xD plainWonder also had a good point that perhaps the first part of the epilogue will simply be the snaps we already saw on the MSPA Snapchat. ...Snaps almost feels like a weird thing to say now. I think they've just gotten a way darker meaning for me ever since watching Avengers: Infinity War. xD ANYWAY, without further ado, here we go!!! *clicks link* Hehn, kind of looks like the start page of an all new adventure! And yay, looks like the epilogue IS indeed simply on the website itself and not externally, for I see a command leading to the next page! *hovers over link of > Start and sees URL* www.homestuck.com/epilogues/prologue ....SERIOUSLY??? PFFFFFFFF, typical Hussie right there. Only HE can give an epilogue a prologue. xD Oh boy this is gonna be a long epilogue isn't it. The question is, how much of it is available here already? And what is the prologue even going to be? Will they just be the snaps we've already seen? I'm very curious where this is going now. > Start ....HOLY FUCK. Archive of our own parody??? Or an actual Archive of Our Own "fanfic"???? Oh jegus god. We've truly come full circle now that Hussie is doing a parody of a website famous for housing Homestuck fanfics. Looks like Andrew collaborated with a few people? "Rating: Mature" Sounds about right! "Category: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other" Sounds about right! "Fandom: Homestuck" Sounds about right! "Characters: John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, Jade Harley, Jane Crocker, Roxy Lalonde, Jake English, Dirk Strider, Barack Obama" Sounds about ri...WAIT A SECOND. PFFFFFFFFFFFFF Hell fucking yes xD "Aradia Megido, Tavros Nitram, Sollux Captor, Karkat Vantas, Kanaya Maryam, Terezi Pyrope, Vriska Serket, Gamzee Makara, Eridan Ampora, Feferi Peixes, Aranea Serket, Meenah Peixes, Davepetasprite^2, Calliope, Caliborn, Lord English, Original Male Character(s), Original Female Character(s)" Well if this isn't a joke, I'd be VERY happy to see Eridan and Feferi again along with the rest of the gang! Aranea though!!!! That's got me very curious. Is she alive (as in, dead but not double dead)??? I know that was really ambiguous on whether or not she was double dead or not after being killed by GO!Condesce. Kind of sad the other A1 Trolls aren't on the list. Hmm, mention of Davepetasprite^2 but nothing of the other Sprites! Makes sense if this is mainly taking place in the Furthest Ring. Wait a second.... I only just noticed how Equius is the only A2 Troll missing from this list!!! And no true separate mention of Nepeta either. Oh man. Looks like Arquiusprite (who should be on Earth) is also sitting this one out! ...Equius got voided out. :P I also find it very interesting how Caliborn receives a separate mention from Lord English! Are we going to see something from the fight that took place between Caliborn and the Kids? ...Wait, that DID feature Arquiusprite though, who is missing from this list. HMMMMMMM And oh boy, what should we expect from the "original male character(s), original female character(s)"????? Are some of the people from Universe C going to factor into this? Assuming we can take this list of characters seriously... which I kind of doubt considering Barack Obama is on the list. xD ...THOSE CONTENT WARNINGS. OH MY GOD. Oh god I love this already. Kankri would be so proud. :P "The Economy" ==> I got that reference! xD I love all the Gamzee related content warnings. "Trickster Mode" I DARE YOU HUSSIE "Ten years after their adventure began, the heroes are enjoying a well-earned retirement on Earth C. But John still has one last choice to make." HOLY SHIT. 10 years later?! That's... 2 years later from the last thing we saw from John, when he celebrated his 21st birthday and was challenged by Caliborn! Wait... 10 years after the start. THAT'S NOW. It's frickin 2019!!!!! Oh hell yes, Andrew has made it catch up to reality once more. HELL YES. What is the "one last choice" John has to make? To go after Caliborn, which will presumably get them trapped inside the Plot Hole (which is still a term I love to use)? Jeez... that probably means it's also already been so many years since Terezi left. I can't recall on which of John's birthdays it was. Was it his 17th? 18th? I'll check that later. In the contents there is only a "Prologue" link... Oh boy, is this going to lead straight to Archive of Our Own? *hovers over link* www.homestuck.com/epilogues/prologue/1 Nope! Unless this redirects, we're staying on the Homestuck website. *clicks on link* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Oh god WALL OF TEXT. Looks like... this really is going to be like a "fanfic", without any images?? I suddenly feel like we're reading one of Hussie's recaps and/or Rose's walkthrough. xD "It starts with a crack. Everything else rises up from that like steam: a trembling thread that cuts through space in jagged lines, splintering the void into razor-sharp shards of putrefying leptons and quarks popping apart like raw eggs in a microwave." Only Hussie could write a sentence like that, ahahaha. Seems like he's talking about the cracks in the Furthest Ring? Are these... going to turn out to be, like,  notes taken by his self-insert who was also right there in the Furthest Ring? :P "raw eggs in a microwave" Well, that explains the "eggs" content warning. xD "At the center of that hole the edges can be heard fraying. Pandemonium, as continuity buckles in the middle and the two ends come smashing together. Around the hole, ghosts scream. They claw at the dying borders of their dreams with fingernail-chipping desperation." Dang, these descriptions are giving me shivers. It reminds me of the sight that Terezi saw in the Furthest Ring and sent to the others on Earth. "At the center, that distortion turns into an eerie music. That’s where the cacophony ends—the shattering, the screaming, the squelching, the sounds of elemental particles being torn apart like string cheese shoved through a meat grinder, then dumped down a strangely melodious garbage disposal." Okay I'm sorry, but I can't help but think of the garbage disposal in Dave's appartment. ...I was saying that as a joke, but now that I think about it actually, this reminds me of how I once made a theory of how that disposal scene was some foreshadowing for the creation of Lord English, mostly because of the Saw and purple Smuppet stuff, but now suddenly the garbage disposal element comes into mention here too. HMMMMMMM "This is the end of everything. This is the end of Paradox Space. You..." Oh man, where is this going? Is it going to turn out there's some kind of other realm beyond the Black Hole that all of the ghosts got sucked into? Like, a true kind of afterlife? "Your name is John Egbert, and you have just had a terrible, deeply pretentious nightmare. You snap out of bed, soaked in sweat, your heart hammering like a fire alarm. It is just as you feared." And suddenly we're John! Has the images Terezi sent them been leaving him with these kind of nightmares? Eeesh.... "You’ve been dreaming in anime again. And you have no idea what it could mean." ...OH GOD DAMN IT HUSSIE YOU BRILLIANT BASTARD. XD "> Look outside just to make absolutely sure the world is not ending." And suddenly we're in Act 1 all over again. :P "The only sound you can hear for miles is the wind skimming the hollows of your neighbors’ pipe homes." Oh hell yes, reference to the wind skimming the void. And heh, at least that last part confirms we're really in the present now where John lives in his salamander neighborhood, not that we're actually somehow back at the events of Act 1 or something. "It’s a normal day in the salamander village, which you refer to as Salamander Village because the damned salamanders never bothered to give this village a name, you guess." ...I could see that. xD That must mean there are like hundreds or thousands of those kinds of villages, hahahaha. Really mustn't be convenient for any non-Consort people trying to navigate over there. :P "Beside your pillow, your phone is vibrating. Rose is calling. The screen of your phone reads 9:30 a.m. April 13, and also the number forty-six, which is how many text messages your friend left you while you were sleeping. A bit excessive, even for her." Rooooooooose! Okay, that's a huge relief to me. I kind of feared they'd all completely drifted apart in the past few years and hardly heard from each other anymore, so I'm really glad to see Rose talking to John is apparently still a thing. And that she's still apparently as wordy as ever. :P I wonder if we're gonna get a dialog (or Rose monologue) now? "Answer the phone" Oh hell fucking yes, here comes some sweet, sweeeeeet dialogue/monologue! "ROSE: Since when are you known to operate your telephone? JOHN: since... i don’t know. has it really been that long since i called? ROSE: I can’t remember the last time. JOHN: neither can i. anyway, what’s up?" Awwww, okay that's sad to hear. I take back what I said earlier, looks like they really don't hear from each other that often anymore. :( "ROSE: Am I correct in presuming this April Thirteenth will be as uneventful as the last? JOHN: yeah, i don’t want to do anything this year. i hope that’s ok." Looks like he still feels the same way like the past few years. D: I feel so sad for John. This really doesn't feel like a happy ending for him. If only he still had his Dad... "All over the neighborhood, the little dad-salamanders are putting on their little rumpled hats and picking up their little suitcases and kissing their little families goodbye for the day" Okay, on one hand the comparisons with John's own family situation are really sad, but I can't help but ROFL that Rumpled Hats are still a thing in this society. "You’ve always been confused about what, exactly, they contribute to the global economy. But it’s pretty cute how much they love playing at being suburban businessmen." Hey, there's where the Economy content warning came from! And it didn't even have to do with Barack Obama! xD "The silence over the phone is growing awkward. You’ve stalled long enough. You decide to just come out and say it." Oh boy... what is he going to say? Something about how sad he is with the current situation? "JOHN: i’ve been dreaming in anime again lately." PFFFFFFFFFFF, JOHN. JOHN NEVER CHANGE. We're getting some hella sweet new quotes here. :P Also, I'd find it really funny if it turns out he's been dreaming of the events of Act 7 which, from our perspective, were rendered in anime form. "JOHN: i have no idea what it could mean. ROSE: I see." Rose, looks like you've found someone to psycho-analyze again! xD "JOHN: whenever i have these dreams, everything’s breaking apart. JOHN: millions of people are screaming and dying. JOHN: i mean, dying permanently. not the kind of bullshit dying that we’ve been doing a lot over the years." Okay so he WAS actually dreaming the stuff we read at the beginning of this prologue then. I love how he calls "their" dying bullshit. " JOHN: what do you think it all means? ROSE: What do I think ‘what’ means? JOHN: what do you think it means that i’ve been dreaming in anime? ROSE: I don’t have the slightest idea what it means that you’ve been dreaming in anime, John. ROSE: To be honest, I... You wait for Rose to finish her thought. She doesn’t, which is troubling because you have never known Rose to leave a thought unfinished in over ten years of acquaintance." That's... indeed quite troubling! Normally this kind of thing is truly Rose's specialty. What's going on over on her side? I mean, it did seem like there was more she wanted to say than just "happy birthday". ....Thinking back to the content warnings... is Rose or Kanaya pregnant??? I don't want to put too much trust into those content warnings though. :P "ROSE: I held out for as long as I could. I figured your birthday was as good a time as any to let you know. JOHN: let me know what?" HERE IT COMES!!!!! "ROSE: It’s crept up on me, these last couple of years. ROSE: Gradually enough to ignore as it was happening, but I can’t anymore." ...Wait what??? Oh god, that does sound different from having a baby. Oh man, please don't tell me she wants to divorce from Kanaya. D: "ROSE: Lately the visions have been overwhelming. JOHN: visions??" Ohhhh, visions! Huh. What kind of visions? About Caliborn? About what's happening in the Furthest Ring? Something else? "ROSE: Would you mind flying to my apartment, so we can continue this in person?" Wait a second. She lives in an apartment now? Looks like unlike John she didn't stay in her old house! Interesting how she moved into an apartment, like Dave originally lived in. "You move the phone away from your ear and assume an expression you haven’t practiced in years. It is the look of a man who actually has something to do." Dang, he must have been getting REALLY bored all this time. That time alone on LOMAX must have been peanuts compared to this. "As you hang up the phone, a familiar feeling settles over you. A feeling of...standing?" ...Has he been floating the entire time? "Standing, and being alone. In your bedroom. As a young man. On your birthday." OH SNAP. I got the reference now. xD "A young man stands alone in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man’s birthday. Though it was twenty-three years ago when he was given life, and ten years ago when he was given a name, it feels like it is only today that he will begin to understand what all that means. That young man is YOU, John Egbert. What will you do?" HOLY FUCKING SHIT. OH DAMN. OH SHIT. THAT IS WAY FUCKING EPIC MAN. This is giving me HELLA goosebumps! I'm VERY curious about that final part means, about "understanding what all that means".... Okay, this seems like a good place to end for the day, but I'm VERY excited to start reading the rest!!! Homestuck is BACK IN ACTION baby! Last Edit: 1 minute ago by Blaperile

[bladekindeyewear]

Boots Reads Homestuck Epilogue(s) Part 15 - Candy Page 34

==>

John finally decides to let the relevance of his story end, and enjoy that he’s made at least some of his other friends happy with his choice.  Time to read Page 34...

VRISKA: Pfft, yeah, wh8tever. I’m basically Immortal, bitch.

Preeeetty sure you’re confusing yourself with one of your parents.

Pff, actual healthy kismesis with a Tavros?  Wow, we’re getting all sorts of redemption by not-really-Vriska proxy here.

HARRY ANDERSON: he’s always getting all weepy whenever i talk to him anyway. HARRY ANDERSON: i don’t think i could have taken another round of him choking back tears while apologizing to me about “what happened with me and your mother, harry.” HARRY ANDERSON: i mean, god. he’s not even fucking DRUNK when he does this. HARRY ANDERSON: that might actually be the most embarrassing part.

.......

Okay, having grown up with a father who suffered from serious depression and would break into tears embarrassingly easily, uh.  I can relate?  But also fuck you, that’s inconsiderate.

--Dammit, new Vriska is catching wind of old Vriska.

Vriska and (Vriska) both start shrieking at a pitch John’s only ever heard one time before. It was a sound that once accompanied the end of everything. A sound once heard the night he dreamt in anime.

Oh that’s brilliant.  If the entire Candy arc ended here it’d be great, though I know it’s not quite over yet.

==>

...Oh shit, we actually get to see what happens immediately next.

Interesting introspective thoughts!  Or, trying her best NOT to be introspective and failing.

Oh my god, SHUT UP Gamzee.  Vriska, just kill him already??

PFFF HE SENT A PIC OF IT TO KARKAT :D

Pfff.  Yeah, Vriska, TRY and ignore what just happened and how it was almost entirely your idea.

(Vriska) is so furious, she has no way of pinpointing the exact moment her intent stopped being intimidating him into silence and started being guaranteeing his silence, forever.

Thank FUCKING goodness, PLEASE kill him.

YAY he’s dead! :D  (Even though he’ll probably revive anyway because bullshit.)

Heheh. NOW we get a cross-Vriska heart to heart.

==>

Alright, a bit more John moping.  Man... this Candy section is a whole lot easier to swallow AFTER Meat than I imagine it would have been before.

.....heck.  EITHER of these epilogue branches are really fucking hard to swallow the first time around without the other’s context.

Oh huh, it’s his house from the Medium then?  Relocated and stuff?

Jake, hm.  Is Jake going to try and leave his son with John like that failed kidnapping in reverse or?

Jake snaps the elastic on his pair of red underpants. It’s the only thing he’s wearing.

Oooookay then.

JAKE: She had a certain way she liked me kipped out and well, i didnt want to bring anything that belonged to her when i left. Nothing she er, might miss. TAVROS: You took me,

Jake winces.

TAVROS: And,,, you took you,

Jake’s wince deepens.

Oh, so that’s what this is!  Jake fleeing with his son from an abusive relationship.  About gosh darn time.  .....geez, how bad did it get for JAKE to finally muster the gumption to do that himself after all these years???

Jake is one whole wince now

I know THAT feeling.  Or at least feel like I do.

John you dedicate your life to keeping this child happy

JOHN: it’s just been kind of a rough forever.

:C

JAKE: Maybe you should blame me? JAKE: Maybe i need someone to blame me. For once. JOHN: ...huh? JAKE: I think im starting to realize that ive been going through life with the mindset that nothing has ever really been within my control.

YES.

This is how Vriska broke Tavros way back in the comic, by constantly denying him agency.  Jake’s been battered down the same way too, and it’s not too late to pick up the reins.  He’s already DONE that by finally leaving his genocidal wife.

There’s a bit of Page of Hope-yness to this whole disastrous Candy timeline, come to think of it?  People fulfilling others’ desires out of obligation constantly, doing what they think others want?  Roxy, Jake, Dave and Karkat... all fucked over at the aggressive whims of more active folk, rolling over when they really shouldn’t have?  Or in Roxy’s case, her CHARACTER basically SHOULD NOT HAVE IN THE SLIGHTEST?

JAKE: Havent you ever wanted to let someone make the tough choices for you?

Huh.

Or maybe he is doing exactly what Jake has always done. In a certain light, isn’t ascribing all this mess to some unconscious influence he might have had over the metaphysical shape of reality just a way to brush off his simpler failures as a man and a father?

Yes.  You can act and change this too, John.  You almost did with the kidnapping before!  Go and take down the new Batterwitch.

Hm, Hopey thing?

JAKE: John. JOHN: yeah? JAKE: Take my hand. JOHN: what? why?

Oh shit.  Are they going to be able to FIX some of this BS with some sort of hopey thing??? :D  Probably too much to hope for but still!

Being flung from Jake’s orbit of Hope and Change

Pffff.  Had to throw in an Obama didn’t you.

...Oh.  Oh wow.  Oh we get to figure out what the fuck was up with Roxy all this time.  Oh boy.

JAKE: So what if it doesnt change anything? Wont it matter to your family to see you care? JAKE: Wont it make you feel better to try?

:D

Heheh, Hope aspecty stuff.  The ability to believe that something matters even when you “know” it doesn’t.

==>

...Yeah, it’s pretty easy to relax on a dead Gamzee.

Oh cool.  These Vriskas are alike enough to bond!  New Vriska is still in her teenage unbalanced go-for-it stage, and old Vriska has been knocked down a peg by the clown incident, putting them on a close enough level to not want to instantly disown each other, unlike old Vriska and ghost Vriska.

VRISKA: The Mayor’s dead, dude.

HOW did the Mayor die?!??  Did I just FORGET that from the end of Homestuck or something??

(I mean, probably.)

Callback to the clouds in that first Jade dream John had.

(VRISKA): Or may8e the truth just makes me kind of nervous. VRISKA: What “Truth”? (VRISKA): Don’t tell him I said this, 8ut, I think John is just an extremely powerful 8eing. Even when he sucks. (VRISKA): And he certainly does appear to suck in this reality. (VRISKA): And yet, the uneasy feeling is there. (VRISKA): It’s a vague feeling I’ve had in the 8ack of my mind for a long time, 8ut it really hit me when I was talking to him earlier. (VRISKA): It’s distur8ing to think a8out that much power 8ottled up in one stupid nerd who’ll never understand it. VRISKA: What Power are you even talking a8out? VRISKA: Like, lame Wind Powers? (VRISKA): No, I mean... (VRISKA): The power to shape reality. Even without intending to.

FUCK did he really cause all this??? Even the Roxy shit?!???  D:  D:  D:

It’s being left vague but it IS sounding like John was actually RIGHT about all that stuff.  FUCK, if the “villain” who messed up Roxy is actually just John’s subconscious...  :C

Even if the epilogue ends right here, though, with John about to call Roxy, I can imagine it working out, though.  It’s on a right enough track there.

(VRISKA): I’ve spent so long caring so much a8out what other people thought of me. Mainly that they saw me as important, or making a “difference.”

Mhmm mhmm.  Light n stuff.

Yeah, realizing that importance isn’t ALL that’s “important” is really, um.  Important.  Ahem.

Hm, other Vriska, that smile had seven pairs of dots, not eight.  :?

(VRISKA): The POINT is, I was so mad at her. (VRISKA): That happy ghost version of myself, who was free of everything. (VRISKA): I was pro8a8ly mad 8ecause she got to 8e who she really was, without stressing a8out it, which is something I never felt like I was allowed to have.

Indeed.

(VRISKA): I guess I mean there’s someone specifically I fell out of touch with, who it feels like I’ll never see again.

Too bad, only ghost Vriska got her reunite with ‘Rezi.  :P

(VRISKA): On some level I knew she was right. She was happy and honest with herself. And that’s what made her... (VRISKA): A version of myself who was actually worthy of someone I cared a8out.

Yyyep.  As I said.  :)

VRISKA: You’re just talking a8out The Girl You 8linded that one time, aren’t you? (VRISKA): Ummmmmmmm.

Heheh.  Yeah, you’re not going to hide that sort of thing from your sharp near-clone.

Oh cool!  She gets to see all those messages and feel turboguilt or something.

...oh shit.  Is a message going to actually get to her?  It-- oh shit.  Didn’t Terezi have her phone buzzing in her pocket and ignored it in the end of Meat or something?  Or at SOMEONE did and I thought it conspicuous but it didn’t get addressed in that side of the story and-- FFFFuck is she eventually going to see it or??!  D:

She’s GOT to have seen it before running all the way off with villain Dirk, right?? D:

==>

Okay.  You seem to be thinking clearly, Roxy.  What’s going through your head? Give us some answers.  Don’t fuck this up too much, John.

but she knows by now that it’s not her job to make him happy. That was something she gave up on years ago. But wanting to? That feeling is still as fresh as it always was.

FUCK was this all just a placid feeling of obligation to make John happy for all he did to ensure victory or something??? D: D: D:

She’s still working through what she feels about distancing herself from Jane

Yesssss

If he’s truly about to be real with her for the first time in forever,

Gosh fucking DARNIT John, you could have fixed all this DECADES AGO if you had a real talk with her ONCE!!!!!

ROXY: the more i thought abt it the more i figured holdin on to that one thing made me lose out on some other shit ROXY: u might relate JOHN: haha, you got me there i guess.

:c

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how things got to be like they are. JOHN: i guess i’ll just come out and say it. JOHN: i completed fucked up your entire life. JOHN: i’m not going to pretend like there are two sides here. it’s my bad, totally. JOHN: like, not just what happened to our marriage, though it’s also true that that’s completely my fault. JOHN: but even before that... JOHN: i think i fucked up on just this massive, fundamental level, and it’s what i did— JOHN: or, well, what i didn’t do— JOHN: that caused every stupid bullshit thing about the way this world is.

...Huh.

That may not actually be true, and Roxy might be about to prove how self-absorbedly reductive that is.

ROXY: oh nah ill stop u rite there my man

Okay YES.  If this wasn’t him, then SET HIM THE FUCK STRAIGHT.  :D

She knows more than he does, and she doesn’t need to hear it.

TELL US TELL US TELL US

YES TEAR INTO HIM he’s wanted that for so long stand up for yourself and tell us what the fuck happened and why

He’s been looking at her, really looking at her, and she doesn’t want to blink, just in case that shatters it.

Yes because he was looking for the real Roxy that would call out his BS

JOHN: i used to be so angry that you wouldn’t tell me what you really thought, before. JOHN: not like i wanted to FIGHT fight, but like. JOHN: i’m just not used to this flavor of roxy. ROXY: hm ROXY: sounds to me like u just disproved ur own hotshot theory then genius JOHN: huh? ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we were married ROXY: but i wasnt

YES!!! Yes his theory’s disproven!  He never WANTED Roxy to just act that way, he wasn’t the cause of this, I was hoping for that!  :D

ROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and im learnin to be good at it now

D:

That’s....... sad, if that’s the explanation.  But it’s better than mind control I guess.  :(

JOHN: but... JOHN: you were never like that before i... ROXY: dude ROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what is or isnt me being “like me” enuff ROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn lives or what

Oh wow.  Now Andrew’s slamming SLAMMING of fanfics.  He’s saying “who are you to know for SURE that they wouldn’t act that way”??  That’s pretty good.

ROXY: i like the way things turned out just fuckin fine ROXY: so maybe u could stop wastin precious eternity thinkin ur so special that its ur fault everyones not perfectly happy

:’)

Mhmm, and they’re free from the heroic design arcs or what have you.  Or... were, until Dirk tore them back in again.  Tossed aside their fucking victory with his selfish... ugh.

Mhmm, Roxy’s the perfect person to explain that not being in a canon, Light-filled timeline isn’t really a bad thing.

ROXY: i just do things the best way i think to do em and then shrug n hope it works out?

Roxy thinks about time and the spirals of choice that hang just outside her periphery, and the vertigo grows.

Good advice, and hm.  Maybe there’s some Void sight kind of playing into this as well, making it easy for her to get paralyzed by indecision and she’s had to learn to work through it.

...Ooh, that was a really cool non-binary gender diatribe in the narrative text.  That’s some nice stuff.  I felt like that was missing from the Meat side, glad we got it here at least.  :D

JOHN: there’s literally nothing to do but keep moving forward. JOHN: i may as well not be a big fucking downer about it if i don’t have to be.

Thank goodness.

YES, JOHN SHOWING HIMSELF STRAIGHT-BACKED FOR HIS SON!!! :D

Man, I wish my dad had done that instead of all the other shit he did.  At least he’s dead.  :)

(Here’s a hint in case you’re wondering why I was relieved when my Dad offed himself.)

But that’s off topic.  Let’s wrap up this epilogue already!!

==>

Page 39... only three or so pages left, right?

Pff, Karkat’s keeping them safe.

Heheh, more shitty Liberty statues.

Heheh, using them for weapons caches.

Gosh I hope they actually love each other and are mostly happy.  Jade seems happy, at least.  :(

Dammit, there go the doubts.  He wouldn’t have had those doubts with Karkat. :C

He’s standing in the Oval Office of the White House.

Oh heck yes.  Please tell me...

And over there... is something he doesn’t quite recognize. It doesn’t seem to fit in. He steps closer to investigate, wiping away at the layers of moss and dirt to reveal a surface he most certainly does recognize. It’s a transportalizer.

YES

Dave doesn’t waste any time. You don’t find something like this in the Oval Office and start agonizing over whether or not to use it. He steps on the platform, and in a blink his surroundings are completely different. The centuries of overgrowth are gone, and he appears to be in some sort of crypt, boxed in by walls of smooth, golden stone. At the far side of the room, something is hanging on the wall, encased in a sort of display. It’s a mounted god tier costume, about the size an adult male would wear. He recognizes the symbol. It’s the same one Jake used to wear when they were teens. It is the symbol for Hope.

HELL FUCKING YES

YES OBAMA

OBAMA: Hello, Mr. Strider. OBAMA: I’ve been waiting a long time for you to show up.

Dave’s jaw hangs open. The legends have been confirmed. As well as several key headcanons of his. Without thinking, he drops to one knee and bows his head.

DAVE: m... mr president DAVE: its an honor sir

Man, forget my past stomach clenching.  Forget my hesitations, my turbulent emotions, all the ups and downs the various facets of these Epilogue chapters have given me.  THIS is the best.  THIS makes it all worth it.  This is the best thing to have ever happened, and if I ever feel any regrets about ANYTHING that transpired in the Epilogues, I’ll feel infinitely better the moment I remember it gave us THIS.

The most beautiful scene I’ve ever witnessed.  All my liberal, economy-ranting hopes and dreams confirmed.  It’s glorious.

OBAMA: Come on now, Dave. We can’t be having that. OBAMA: I’m nobody’s king. I’m a democratically elected representative who took an oath to serve his country and his people. People like you, Dave. OBAMA: If anything, I should be the one bowing.

OBAMA.  I MISSED YOU OBAMA.  I CAN HEAR YOUR VOICE THROUGH YOUR TEXT AND ITS SO COMFORTING AND UPLIFTING

DAVE: mr president what i mean is im a huge fan of yours and i hope this doesnt sound fucked up but on some level i feel like ive been waiting my whole life for this moment?? OBAMA: I know, Dave.

Yes, yes you have.  Yes, we can.

OBAMA: Most people thought I was gone. But I was keeping an eye on events. OBAMA: Wouldn’t miss it for anything.

I, too, would like to have the feeling that Obama is still out there, keeping an eye on things.  Watching, smiling... providing some last background of Hope as things seem so temporarily sour.  That feeling would be amazing.

...I mean he’s still alive IRL, sure, but not Obama watermark smiling lovingly from the sky or anything like it should be.

Yes, back to reading.  Back to this glorious, definitely canon moment.  The moment we learned that Obama was with us the whole time.  :’)

DAVE: sorry if this is nosy but if you didnt die when you disappeared then how did you die OBAMA: Most of that is classified, Dave.

Pfffffff  :D

OBAMA: When I was a boy living in Hawaii, on my thirteenth birthday I was visited by a mysterious stranger. OBAMA: He was an older man with a mustache. Kind of a corny, old-fashioned, adventuring type. He tried to convince me we were related. Of course, I thought he was full of shit. OBAMA: To this day, I’m not sure about that. Maybe he was. I didn’t think much of his tall tale at the time, but what did pique my interest was his story. OBAMA: He was voyaging all over the Pacific looking for a mysterious island, which supposedly had all the answers he’d spent his whole life searching for. OBAMA: During his travels, he set up outposts all over the ocean to help with his search. Such as one near where I lived as a boy. The outpost had a laboratory, an archeological dig site, a network of underground tunnels, the works. OBAMA: One time, I snuck in there and did some exploration of my own. Somewhere in the maze of underground ruins, I found a transporter pad, just like the one that brought you here. OBAMA: It sent me to a new realm. A place they called the Medium.

Grandpa Jake of Earth A, thank you SO much for bringing us this gift.  The gift of Obama.

OBAMA: Hey, why don’t we take a walk. You’ll have a chance to collect yourself. And there’s something I’d like you to see.

:O :O :O

I am shivering with anticipation.

Ah, leave it to Obama to help Dave with the final steps of his character arc.

OBAMA: Are you sure that’s all he is, Dave?

FIX THINGS OBAMA!!!! :D :D :D

Wait, what if Obama can turn things into an actually legitimate DaveKatJade?  That would be a miracle only a god of Hope could pull off.

OBAMA: I’ve had my share of doubts about all that, just like any other man. OBAMA: And I’ve had plenty of the same kind of struggles as you, Dave. DAVE: wait DAVE: you...

Obama nods, smiles wistfully. Dave arches his eyebrows high above his shades. They stare at each other, and in the look they exchange, they seem to say all that needs to be said between two grown men on the matter.

:’)

OBAMA: Believing is the key to understanding the truth underlying the words, the truth underlying the ideas they represent, and the truth underlying who we are as individuals. OBAMA: The power of belief, the power of Hope, that’s what endows that which is intangible, ephemeral, or uncertain with a sense of reality. OBAMA: It brings focus to the insubstantial, the mirages of the mind, the multiplicity of what is possible, of what could be, and isolates it—concentrates it—to turn it into that which is. OBAMA: And the result of that, Dave, is what we call truth.

I didn’t think we’d be learning more about the Hope aspect straight from the mouth of Barack Obama.

OBAMA: He taught me about many things. Combat, philosophy, life, love... DAVE: love??? DAVE: hold on are you saying DAVE: that...

PFFFFFFFF :D :D :D

OBAMA: She’s settled happily into the specific. That’s her path now. OBAMA: All of you have embraced that life, in this safely sequestered version of planet Earth. OBAMA: All of you until now, Dave. OBAMA: This is why you’re here. OBAMA: I believe you’re ready to wake up. DAVE: ...

:O

...this is suddenly possibly going to be getting slightly sad isn’t it.  D:

--Oh shit, so THIS is where Davebot came from.

How is he going to break things off with Jade though???  D: D: D:

...Oh my GOSH he’s just going to suddenly vanish and abandon her isn’t he.  D:

...alright, merging with his other selves, et cetera...

It defers to its greatest knight, risen anew.

Yeah that’s nice but am I supposed to pretend you’re going to say goodbye to Jade offscreen or

--ah that’s why the bot didn’t have shades, gotta use the genuine Stiller ones

==>

Page 40, and the start of this sounds a lot like the Postscript.  But we’re getting more this time, thank god.

ARADIA: when i watched as everything broke apart ARADIA: and got swallowed up by the black hole ARADIA: which is where i ended up too ARADIA: that black hole... ARADIA: thats basically you right JADE: yes. ARADIA: and when you speak of your brother ARADIA: thats lord english JADE: yes. ARADIA: and hes dead JADE: not just yet.

Oh shit.  John’s final blow didn’t kill Lord English did it.  Alt!Callie is going to strike the very last killing blow herself isn’t she.

JADE: lesser beings have so much trouble perceiving divinity in the uncanny.

Divinity?  Like, Lollipop-style divinity?  I mean, I guess this IS the Candy branch...?  But what made this so “perfect” to begin with?

JADE: this world, unlike the canonical horrors from which it is hermetically insulated, will always fail to meet the combined criteria for truth, relevance, and essentiality that would endow this realm with any real gravity. JADE: its own naturally occurring supply of gravity, rather than the artificial supply i have given it. JADE: as such, what transpires here is characterized by experiential frivolity. JADE: physically, it is cordoned off by the black hole’s event horizon. it is safe. untouchable. JADE: inescapable. ARADIA: that sounds ominous

Oh.  So this outside-of-canon timeline-verse whatever that Candy takes place in is like a trap?  For Lord English to be trapped in forever, inside not just his OWN story like we thought before but into a place where he’ll be forever irrelevant, while, like... the “Prince” and others following him for pursuit or camaraderie reasons manage to escape somewhere even different?  --No wait those people are OUTSIDE this place, in the “real” timeline/universe of Earth C. So Dirk’s destination is somewhere completely different; oh, and alt!Callie is the only one with the power to escape the black hole, to bring Davebot and Aradia with her back to quote-unquote “canon” or the closest thing to it to bring bastard Dirkbro down.

Or... something.

JADE: one could describe it as a phantasmal projection confined within my horizon. JADE: it was created by a choice that made it possible for that horizon to expand infinitely, to consume infinitely. JADE: and since that choice could not coexist with canon events, this place manifested to here to support its consequences. JADE: if this world were capable of anything either essential, relevant, or true in some stable combination, then it would perpetuate a corrosive paradox. JADE: as such, insulation from what is out there, and the inescapable well it rests in, is what protects all it holds inside. JADE: and since i am the embodiment of the black hole in which it rests, JADE: i am the one protecting this world.

Oh huh.  So when we saw alt!Callie creating the black hole out of the Sun, she was actually using John’s “choice” and his timeline split to engineer the paradox that drove that singularity’s expansion?  And so she’s going to be the lord and safeguard of all that is Non-Canon, and also seek to guide the heroes trying to save what IS Canon?

Hm!

JADE: physical destruction is one thing. JADE: obliteration of the entire canvas for all of reality over a given cosmic span is another. JADE: and yet there are even more insidious forms of destruction and subversion of life to consider. JADE: methods that are difficult to grasp for those on your plane.

Yep, destroying Heart.  Destroying Soul.  Destroying the uniqueness that drives individual agency and choices, and suborning people completely to your will and ideals without their consent or choice.

Hmm....

JADE: but longer stories have the power to draw consciousness into them. they possess arresting and hypnotic qualities which can be used by their tellers to alter the awareness of the listener.

Yep, like a biased narrator with their claws on the > prompt for characters.

JADE: i brought to your attention that the story you were listening to had a speaker with a specific identity. JADE: and where there is an identity, there can also be an agenda.

Yep yep.  And by commandeering the story to his own agenda, Dirk’s been robbing everyone of a fundamental right to their own existences.

JADE: this is the sort of corruption i now must dedicate my existence in this new body to ending once and for all.

Heck Yes; returning the narrative to as objective a speakerless-ness as can be attained or simulated, and divesting the bias from agenda’d narrators that can wrest all control from the participants in a story, enslaving them and making them the author’s puppets instead of true to themselves as characters, people, etc.

--Oh my GOSH, was Dead!Jade eating the remains of Lord English at the end of that Postscript???  She was, wasn’t she?  :D :D :D

That’s pretty fucking awesome.  And a pretty fucking fair fate for him to get cannibalized by his sister.

JADE: consume his body. JADE: absorb his essence. JADE: and then using this host, i will generate enough power to move beyond the staggering pull of the event horizon encasing this world. JADE: a prison of my own making, which can be escaped only through the supreme unification with my other half. JADE: it is crucial to the cosmos that i succeed. JADE: the prince of heart has to be stopped.

:D :D :D :D :D

Pretty awesome!  A decent setup to a story that probably shouldn’t be told, the implied sequel that Meat invites up or whatever.  And... oh phew.

Oh PHEW.

OH FUCKING PHEW. HOLD ON.

So.  The very last line of the epilogue, the last bit:

The hole leaves behind an absence in the sky so calm that continuing to call it a sky wouldn’t seem to do it justice. It’s a perfectly neutral expanse into which anything one can imagine might be summoned. And for a while, anything was. But not anymore. Where the hole gaped just moments ago, there now exists an imaginary line.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

Okay!  :D :D :D

So, when I read that last line, I was INCREDIBLY disheartened.  I thought that Andrew was declaring that canon would never interfere with anything again, that this was the FINAL WORD on Homestuck and everything to do with it as far as canon was concerned, and that Dirk’s crimes and such would forever go unresolved and left to the imagination.

But that’s not what the line meant.

What’s INSIDE the singularity, and thus “under” the imaginary line, is everything non-canon, all the possibility and fanfiction and dead ghosts and such who are trapped in this safeguarded realm alt!Callie created to protect them, away from the influence of any future plot danger beyond the mundane issues they create for themselves.

And what’s OUTSIDE the singularity, above the line, is canon.  A canon which actually continues, and which this line doesn’t necessarily cut short.

I don’t know if Andrew will ever continue this nonsense, maybe to show me a Rose who’s actually happy as a robot or something?  But... er, that’s not the point.  The point is that even though the story “isn’t over”, it’s left so it CAN continue, so that the final state of these ISN’T a permanent cliffhanger to be left forever unfulfilled intentionally.  I’ll still be traumatized by the state some of these characters are left in, until Andrew maybe possibly chooses to resolve some of this nonsense with later content, which he probably won’t.  Heck, this actually might be easier for him to create a new work with, given how much baggage has been left behind on old Earth and in the singularity, so all you have is a much relatively smaller cast of characters on a chase to wherever Dirk is planning to go?  But, like.  When I read that Postscript, I stopped believing anyone I saw suggesting we’d get anything after this.  Any sort of work of... you know... continuing, er, Homestuckiness from Andrew, no matter what it was.  But even just... leaving it open even if he isn’t going to DO anything about it, and having that final line NOT be an aggressive cutoff?  Is just nice.  Nicer, anyway.

And this singularity is kept safe for us to enjoy ALL of the old stuff, the multitude of possibility that the in-singularity version of Roxy glimpses out of the side of her eye.  That--

Oh my Gosh.  THAT’S also what the final line means.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

Homestuck fanfiction is now COMPLETELY FREE FROM CANON.

Within this singularity, nothing has to stay true to absolutely every underpinning of the earlier comic.  Nothing has to make sense.  Nothing has to be narratively consistent with anything else, though it’s obviously more enjoyable if it is.  Truth, essentiality, and relevance may all be FLEXED as much as any individual fanfic writer needs to!  And... and earlier, before this epilogue.  When we would get Snapchat stuff of the story on Earth C.  And even before that when all we had was the ending flash.  There was still a FEAR on many parts that there was more to canon that Andrew wasn’t telling us, that whatever was in our imaginations about what may have happened was “wrong”, that any fanfic you wrote was liable to be disproven formally.  But that’s not the case anymore.  Because with that line, with alt!Callie sealing off this realm and taking just a last few soon-to-be canon-impactors out of one of its timelines, Andrew has left ALL of the earlier trappings of Homestuck, of Earth, of all these characters and ghosts and fragmented possibilities, permanently free from canon influence from the rest of time.  Meaning no Homestuck fanfic that takes place in this singularity-granted realm may EVER be busted by Andrew’s future work.  He’s done what he first aspired to do when he declared all fantrolls in existence canon.  He’s finally “killed the author”.  He’s made the very FACT of an author an enemy, to be pursued in its own canon story outside of all this.  He’s set EVERYTHING free.

Wow.  So that’s what all the point of all this was, huh?  :D

Let me read the last few pages of Candy anyway.  Where was I again?

Oh, about to click the last page.  ==>

Oh my GOD.  This Postscript is about the end of MEAT, where the Meat Postscript showed us the end of CANDY!!!  :D

Let’s hear where this shit is all going!  I’ve been wondering what realm Dirk is actually heading towards to try and start fucking up.  Reading...

...Oh, okay.  I thought I glimpsed someone mentioning something about Rose “doing Dirk’s laundry”, and I thought I just missed some narrative comment on laundry made when Dirk took Rose out of the apartment on that final trip out to Jake’s for a spaceship?  But I guess this was the scene they were talking about.  Fuck you, Dirk.

One of her more reckless shipmates chipped a tooth trying one, despite repeated warnings to stay away from the stuff.

So Terezi IS there?  And probably received that final message from Vriska to think about.

It’s a stray ruby slipper. The other is about ten feet away, down the hall. No sign of their owner anywhere.

Yep, that’s definitely Terezi.

...Oh cool, Rose’s body isn’t quite dead?  She could be returned to it or a souped-up version of it if she’s ever brought to her senses outside Dirk’s corrosive influence.

A new planet is within sensor range. She studies the millions of statistics all pouring in at once.

They’re heading for a planet?  Somewhere else in Universe C?

It’s an M-Class planet. The right size, right age, right distance from the sun. There’s no advanced life yet. It’s exactly what they’ve been looking for all these years.

Shit, a NEW planet?  For all this shit to go down on?  Maybe I don’t need to see what happens next, that sounds potentially a little boring.  The future adventure this story entails COULD just be implied and never followed up on.

Once the new race has established

What race??? Human, hybrid?? It’s not TROLL, y’all would have brought Aradia if that was the case, right?  Or is this why there are tons of trolls in Universe C that Caliborn and Calliope’s parent trolls got to incinerate ages later, seeded across planets by these assholes?

The ones who get the chance to play what will arguably be the most important session in the history of Sburb?

Ahhh.  Okay.  So this may INDEED be something interesting, something worth seeing.  A new session, one where Dirk is the villain, Rosebot is enthralled, and old heroes are on their way to help see him thwarted.  Along with the mystery participants of a session we’ve yet to see.

Enough time goes by that she begins to wonder if he’s asleep. But no. It’s just the irritated silence of a man who knows he isn’t currently dressed well enough to attend to something important.

DIRK: Are my fucking pantaloons ready yet?

Yeah, fuck you and your anime pantaloons straight in the Yaois, Dirk Smartass.

Okay!

So that’s the end of the epilogue.  BOTH epilogues.  And... I like it.

I don’t know why.  I mean it was all excellent before, and my stomach’s still a BIT clenchy, but I like it now.  I misinterpreted things from the Meat ending, and now everything... everything makes a little more sense.  Some things seem resolved, others earned...

And... in a way I feel like I could actually oddly accept, even if there’s never anything that touches on this ever again...

It doesn’t seem “over”.  :)

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p14 reaction

So. I'm just going to put my thoughts under the cut due to the important events last time.

---

Vriska: perma-death or not? I wouldn't count on it, but I wouldn't be surprised either if her getting sucked into the Black Hole would be retconned. It could be said that John's retcons create seperate timelines, so that'd mean at least one version of Vriska is cursed to that ill fate.

It would seem not even Light can escape a black hole. Science: 1, magical fairy dust: 0

Guess it remains to be seen whether LE will even get sucked in as well. If not, Alternate Calliope's swansong had only the effect of ending the Green Sun, removing one of the ways LE was invincible but nothing more.

Though I guess she did manage to pocket that other character associated with 8-balls, huh? :mspa: Maybe in that sense the black hole can count as a red herring, even! It didn't kill LE, just like how Dave didn't kill him with his eggsword in the victory timeline, but an expy, Lord Noir. Perhaps it's part of why LE's eyes have stopped on the 8-balls, they're the only remaining balls to pocket, or some such.

Anyway, I presume it's back to Earth C now. I'd like to see Jane go see Roxy & Calliope, but I wouldn't mind picking up any of the other plot threads either.

---

"Jake yawns" Pfff, that continues from the previous page - John felt the moment approaching where reality yawns too hard and snaps in half. That could be taken literally, but I also think it could be that his dream may have ended right about here each time as well, meaning 'reality' ended and was replaced by the actual real world.

"and knocks on the window to Jane’s office again." So... Guess fake date night has already arrived. :P I'm guessing Jake flew over, though it could have been on his own power, he may have taken a plane.

"he’s been hovering here for way too long" Pfff, okay I took that to be in a descriptive way, but it's probably literal, Blaperile points out. I thought the window he knocked on was for her office door.

"The sunset has turned the head offices of Crockercorp into a shimmering glass monolith—a beacon, if you will, of the future, visible for miles in every direction.

Jane probably likes to think about it that way at least." Oooh, does Jake have any ideas to the contrary? That would be interesting, that he thinks it's more ominously looking.

"venetian blind" Right, her office still has that private-eye vibe going on, with the sun falling in between the shades.

"he responds with his specialty: incomprehension." ... Never mind, the narration is providing us with more detail than Jake can personally pick up on.

"The exasperated hand motions Jane tries next work better.

JAKE: Oh! The front door, of course!" Guess she can't open the window from the inside. Seems like a health or safety hazard, if you ask me.

"He whistles a quaint little ditty to himself while he waits for the elevator to go up to the top floor." Making his own elevator music then? Elevatorstuck, or the Girl from Whatsit?

"The whole place is candlelit, and Jane is reclining on her desk, sprawled out like a lounge singer on a grand piano." ... Laying it on a big thick, I see. Well, so much for making it a very public date. Guess Jane is going to try and charm him first, to presumably hilarious effect.

"Specifically: a blue lounge singer, on a blue piano" I'd say this might have worked better on Grandpa, given who he married (re: Hiveswap).

"New Prospit" So, those are both places in the Carapacian Kingdom, eh? Maybe New Derse-y's the dingy suburb to New Prospit's sprawling metropolis.

"Like all of his impulsive purchases, the tacky thing is gathering dust in a pile somewhere in one of the hundreds of spare rooms in his mansion, which now primarily functions as a very expensive warehouse for his atrocious hoarding habits." ... Well then! Guess he's really starting to fall into the same habits as Grandpa then! Could we take this to mean that some of his purchases which we derived his interests from were just things he picked up in a spur of the moment purchase?

"JANE: Come have a glass of scotch with me Jake. We have so much to discuss." So Jane is really giving off mixed signals here - on purpose? His favorite attire on a girl, but his least favorite drink. Or she wants his attention, but none of the affection he might be more inclined to give out when tipsy.

"She’s really bad at this, she thinks. “This” being seduction. She’s so bad at it, in fact, that Jake immediately recognizes her ruse for what it is. ... Jane is lashed both by the scotch in her face and how quickly her plan has fallen apart." I'm actually less convinced Jake has read her intentions than I am convinced Jane might be misreading him just as much as he is misreading her. Jake could've gulped the drink down to posture, not knowing how to handle her comment. But hey, we'll see.

"She is staring at the ceiling like she hopes it will split open and suck her into a supermassive black hole so she doesn’t have to deal with anything that is going on right now." Sorry, Jane, you're the wrong blue lady.

"JANE: Oh, no, of course not. I just wanted to...

JANE: To... talk about the economy." Next up Jake is like: "May I refer you to our mutual friend, then? He'd be better at this." :p

"JAKE: By jove the economy! Jane my dear friend please tell me all about the economy!

Jake doesn’t care about the economy. But he’s an ardent supporter of changing the subject." Jake may have a taste for adventure, but he'll flee from any battlefield of emotions gladly.

"JANE: Ah, it’s doing quite well right now actually.

JAKE: I should hope so!" Pwa-pwa-pwaaaaaah. :P So much for changing the subject.

"JANE: But it might not continue to do so in the future, which you can guess is of great concern to me, being that I am a pioneering entrepreneur." Ah yes, she'll try to prevent the economy from crashing, but in doing so, she just might make it crash, if Dave's to believed.

"adequately explain to me this conundrum which i admit i am not up to dick on.

JANE: You..." Dave and Jake are masters of ironic and innocuous innuendo, respectively.

"Jane laughs quite sincerely as he ruffles his jacket through her hair.

JANE: Oh, Jake, you really have no idea what’s going on, do you?

JAKE: Wait is this...

JAKE: Is this about the election muckup? Because i—

Jane puts a finger to Jake’s lip and shushes him. It’s a very smooth move." This is what Dirk must've gone through, actually, trying to get it through that thick skull that flirting was what was going on here.

"an awful lot of thinking as of late.

... this new universe.

JANE: You must admit that it’s a lot to grasp, and I’m not certain we’ve all taken the time to truly contemplate our place in it." Well, true, but here's the part where you lead all that thinking to a wrong conclusion, I presume.

"Who are they now? The same Jake and Jane who passed like particularly dysfunctional ships in the night a decade ago? Or is Jane wiser, and Jake kinder? Are they better versions of themselves?" Oooh, Jane has actually been thinking about some valid issues there. Well, especially valid to us, as long-time readers who now visit these same characters again after all these years have passed for us and them. Still, it's something I could see John struggling with as well.

"JANE: Haven’t we really just been... drifting these last seven years?

JANE: Drifting, both in the sense of failing to fulfill our personal potentials,

JANE: And in the sense of... well, drifting apart?" Well, the only one who completed his planet's prophecy, that we know for sure, is John, and the guy has been falling into a depression. So... yeah, everything hasn't been hunky dory for a long time. But some of them take better to drifting than others, Dave is a fine example of the former, in the sense that's his more like his natural state, though it isn't a real good one admittedly.

"The years go by so fast. And...

JANE: I miss you." Aww. But I fear she might be missing the memories more than the man in the flesh. We'll see.

"The moment goes from calculated to genuine in an instant." Oh Jane, really? I thought a little better of you. At least the moment's changing.

"Jake can’t stop himself from ..." ... Wow, Jake is really putting the moves on her, go figure! Guess the boy had practice.

"So he kisses her." Well! Guess they finally got this past them! *reads further* Ah-hoh-hum! Well, Jane's probably surprised by a) his kissing, good or not, and b) that she might actually be feeling something again for him.

"The inevitable consummation of a whirlwind romance fit for the big screen." ... Jake. Jake this is a real thing happening to you, not some movie script. Boy.

"Jane’s baby-soft palm, unmarred by the calluses of deft swordsmanship" Hah, that's the second reference to Dirk and Jake's (former???) relationship, first the kissing Dirk criticized him on, now this. :P Also, heh, guess it's a long while since Jane did extensive baking herself, then, if her skin's that smooth.

"Those rare, intimate moments that Jake was allowed to slip off Dirk’s shades and look upon his face, unobstructed, stand out more clearly in his mind than almost any other in his life." A Strider without his shades is a very rare moment indeed. It's their facade, their mask.

*reading on* Jake, being with one lover while comparing them mentally to your former one? That's not going to end well for any party involved. And here Jane might have hoped to leave that love triangle behind.

"But his hair is so much softer than it looks. His heart too. When a heart like that opens up to you, it opens up the whole world as well. A world of increased appreciation for combat, philosophy, life, love...

JAKE: Yelp!!!" *mental facepalm* Oh Jakey boy, you sure thought yourself into shooting your own foot there.

"JAKE: I

JAKE: I

JAKE: Ihavetogorightnowsorry." Pffff, he's going to fly straight back to throw himself into Dirk's arms now, right? The poor man won't know what hit him. Or maybe he will. ... In any case, this could screw up Dirk's plan to back Jane for presidency, if she realizes what this was all about and takes it personal. She didn't before, but that's not to say she'll only blame Jake this time around.

"grabs the bottle of near-untouched scotch" Oh boy, maybe Jake actually wants to get hungover before assessing what he just felt. :p

"before kicking open the latch to one of Jane’s giant windows and letting himself out." Hey what do you know, she COULD have let him in!

"she closes the window, sits in her CEO chair and speed-dials the number for her one-man Kitchen Cabinet." ... Depending on how I interpret this, she's either calling her Dad (unlikely given her current state)... or ... her personal hitman/bodyguard? ... Wait, is the fact she employed/enslaved Jack Noir canon for the epilogues?

"

DIRK: Yo, what up?

JANE: Not Jake, apparently." ... Ah. Well, the only way I associate Dirk with the kitchen is with a refrigerator stuffed with swords, so you can forgive me. The fact that Kitchen Cabinet's acronym is KC (Green) is probably not important. Oh, right, the cabinet of a politician, maybe?

"

DIRK: Wow. Going straight for the double entendre, huh?

DIRK: How much of that scotch did you have?" Dirk... was in on this. Dirk... knew. Dirk... cold. Cold hearted. But well, glad to see his gears within gears still don't run as smoothly as he'd wish.

"DIRK: Were you nice to him?

JANE: Well, I...

DIRK: I told you, you can’t be nice to Jake.

JANE: ..." So he says that, and yet what turned the situation around was Jake thinking about all the times Dirk WAS being nice to him.

"Jane squeezes her eyes shut and, very softly and quietly, bumps her head against the edge of her desk.

JANE: Why do I feel as if we’ve had this exact conversation, almost word for word, before?

DIRK: Because we have. Many times." So, it's of course similar to when Jane and Dirk talked about their misgivens about Jake in the session, it must also remind her of when Jake talked to her about his feelings for Dirk... And yet I think Dirk might be saying the truth, in that there might be a multitude of alternate Janes, even some post-victory, and alternate Dirks, who have memories of an identical conversation between the two of them, which he's slowly accumulating.

"Dirk doesn't wait. There’s a shadow cast in his doorway that is much more important than the election. Rose is braced against the doorframe" Cool. At least his biological daughter is more important to him than scheming. Though scheming might be involved in his dealing with his daughter's illness. Scheming's never not on the table with Dirk.

"She has her head tipped just so, her pale hair falling across in her face at an angle that bisects her perfectly neutral expression. Dirk sets down his phone and acknowledges her with a nod.

ROSE: Well,

ROSE: Go on." Hah, I had a feeling he might have been wrapping the conversation up quickly as he sensed her approaching. But Rose must've heard pieces, and picked up on something, migraine or not. It's going to be a pleasure to see them talk in person.