#jackpot crash course bones

[racheldrawsthis]

365 party boy

[vaunteir]

now that is a walking will wood reference if i've ever seen it

[gh0stwithagun]

self indulgent Bones stimboard (Jackpot Crash Course) reqs open <3

x x x / x x x / x x x

[zevuux]

bones jackpot crash course doodles

[mistakes-have-been-made]

Some doodles for the time being

Had thoughts about sigverse tma/tmagp au (this is an excuse to draw archivist Protag again)

Bonus Mr Perseus Jackson bc I finally got some more books :3

[tender-rosiey]

pretty babies – gojo satoru x f!reader

a/n: idk about yall but I love me some drunk gojo

satoru never drinks, but when he does, ohoho, you’re in for quite the ride.

today was one of the days when he was less of a chaotic handful but more of an emotional mess who apparently can’t even remember his own wife. you sip on your drink, ignoring the drunk satoru leaning on the bar.

he slurs his words as he tries to flirt, “you’re sooo pretty, y’know that?”

you nod with a hum and give him no further reaction. in situations like these, you figured out that letting him go all out until he is tired and sleepy is the best solution. it really is like treating a baby.

thankfully, after many years of being in the presence of one gojo satoru, you’ve built up some patience.

he rests his head on the counter and he looks up at you, eyes wide and in awe, “I bet,” he hiccups and it is followed by a silly little giggle, “we’d make superrrr cute babies! like all round and chubby and we’d much on their cheeks like…mochi! yes! mochi…now I am hungry.”

a smirk makes an appearance on your face as you glance at satoru who is blabbering about building a family with you and spoiling you rotten.

a little teasing won’t harm anyone. so you quip, “you know,” and his attention is already on you, “you already gave me three super cute babies.”

his mouth is wide open in disbelief as he sits up, “no way!”

“yup! and they’re waiting at home for us.”

his eyes crinkle because of his wide grin, “really?!” he pulls you into a bone-crushing hug, “you got photos?! please tell me that you do!” and he switches to a pout so quickly, it gives you whiplash.

however, you gladly pull out your phone and show him the multitude of photos you have.

ones ranging from him being in a crib to help the youngest one sleep to ones with two of the three kids ganging up on him and him desperately calling for your help. satoru goes through every single photo, head on your shoulder and cheek squished.

he is silent throughout it all and when he is done, he looks up at you, “so that means that you’re my wife?”

you nod and your fingers, naturally, find their place on his head. he feels a little shiver of satisfaction before he smiles, one lovesick and silly smile, “I really hit the jackpot.”

you laugh, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, “I guess you did.”

so you take him back home where the kids are already asleep. satoru crashes on the bed right away, steady breaths filling the room. slowly, you take your place beside him and you feel his arms wrap around you.

he pulls you closer and buries his face in your hair. and you close your eyes, letting yourself be lulled to the land of dreams.

when you do wake up, you’re greeted by satoru literally on top of you and deep in sleep. you would like to let him sleep more especially since he looks so comfortable, but you’re going to suffocate at this rate. so you pat his back lightly, “satoru, honey, wake up.”

he groans and buries his face in the crook of your neck, grumbling something along the lines of ‘five more minutes’.

not budging? then fine, you decide. you take as deep of a breath as you can then call for your kids, “who will help mama?!”

it’s quiet and you can feel satoru smirking against your skin. it looks like he won, but then a bunch of footsteps are heard and it’s your turn to smirk.

your husband lifts his head to glare at you—of course, not without sporting one of his famous pouts.

the door is then slammed open and your eldest son is there, “WHO DARES HURT OUR MAMA?!”

he gasps, very dramatically like a certain someone, and points at his dad, “PAPA?! you’re suffocating mama!”

“again?!” your daughter pops up from behind her brother, staring at her dad in disbelief.

they both stand beside your bed glaring at him and he glares back, the three of them forgetting why you called for your kids in the first place. so you do them a favor and remind them, “satoru…I AM GOING TO DIE LIKE THIS!”

satoru is pulled  back by his shirt and your kids take turns in—trying—to beat him up. you get up, greedily breathing air till you’re satisfied. you ignore the screams of your husband until you’re done with your morning routine.

luckily enough, when you got out of the bathroom, you found no one except your husband.

laying on the ground.

presumably dead.

with a bunch of drawings on his face and his hair contained with multiple hair bands.

you snap a picture of him very quickly then you sit on the ground next to his corpse. you poke his butt and he groans, making you giggle, “what happened to the strongest sorcerer?”

he turns towards you with a small frown, “his pretty wife didn’t kiss him good morning so he had no energy to fight,” his head snaps towards the two tiny figures giggling behind the door, “these monsters.”

they squeal and run away once again before he catches them.

you gently take the hair bands off, “you’re lucky that our youngest devil is still asleep,” you then smooth down his hair and pat his head, “I love the smiley faces on your cheeks.”

he whines and rests his head on your shoulder, “stop bullying me!”

you hum and stroke his hair, “you know, you did something pretty cute yesterday.”

“I am always cute; what’re you talking about?”

“you flirted with me, your wife, and said we would make ‘super cute!’ babies,” you reveal and satoru seems unbothered. in fact, he seems proud and very happy with himself so you continue, “so I had to remind you of our three little devils and then I showed you pictures.”

he stands up, posing all confidently, “what can I say? I excel at everything even being cute—“

“then you cried like a little baby when I showed you my picture post labor and kept apologizing.”

taglist: @magenta-cat-drawingss @pompompurin1028 @scul-pted @dazaisdeathwish @requiem626k @nameless-shrimp @shinys-bsd-world-1 @sonder-paradise @ravenina14 @jessbeinme15s-notebook @todorokichills @ginneko @missrown @shrynkk @simplyxsinned @beautiful-is-boring @starlostlaiba @izukus-gf @irethepotato @thekaylahub @dazaisbloodybandages @aeanya @sweetcloudsimp @moon-catto @the-midnightskies @pianopuppygirl @gojosblackqueen @jisbizarre @kunikida-simp @fiona782 @kisakitwister @imjustasimpxd @psychopotatomeme @dreamcastgirl99 @watyousayin @doobiebochana @laylasbunbunny @hojicha-expresso @4sat0ruu @nineooooo @chuuyasboots @alekssashka7 @rieejjyubi02 @wemma67 @nothisispatrick300

copyright © tender-rosiey

do not copy or plagiarize or you will be reported

[beckettj]

Find the Words Tag Game

Tagged By: @laianely - thank you! Rules: Find the words in all your current WIPs and post a snippet containing the words, then tag others with their own words. My Words: Lips, anger, confusion

I stuck to just three WIPs - The Huntsman (snippets in here from across lots of future chapters), A Hell of A Ride (which is a CS fic, despite what the passage below may suggest) and a follow up to Dry as a Bone (which I had no intention of following up until inspiration hit at 1am last night, leading to a few hundred words getting thrown together).

Lips The Huntsman (Hit the jackpot here.) Her lips parted slightly, as if encouraging him, inviting him. They looked so soft, so red, so warm; his thoughts wondered - as they often had in his younger days, hours spent staring at that photograph - to how her lips would feel against his. His heart threatened to explode out of his chest; he had waited for the nearing moment for so long.

He waited no longer. His lips crashed passionately against hers, simultaneously sending electricity coursing through his veins. He allowed himself to get lost in her mouth, the faint taste of cinnamon unfamiliarly sweet, fuelling his craving for her. His heart danced in his chest; her body pressed against his the way their lips clung together, her hand brushing against his jaw as she reached for his hair the same way her tongue brushed against his lips as their kiss deepened, grew more demanding, more desperate for the moment to last.

A Hell of a Ride The elevator was taking too long. The foyer was empty. She pulled him in for a quick kiss, a taste of what was to come. The elevator pinged the very moment of their lips meeting and she stepped back, smiling seductively at Neal; there was a lot more where that came from. She grabbed his jacket, pulling him into the empty elevator with her. The doors shut and he was on her in a flash, his hands cupping her face as they carried on where they’d left off, deepening and exploring their connection.

The elevator pinged.

“That was fast,” Emma murmured against his lips.

The elevator ride was never that smooth, let alone that fast.

Dry as a Bone follow-up “Today is the last day of January,” he filled her in.

Halle-bloody-lujah.

It had been a long, long month but he had made it to the end. Almost. Just sixteen more hours to go – not that he was on a countdown or anything. He could already taste the sweet, home comforts of rum on his parched lips. A few more hours forgoing his burning cravings and he would stand victorious.

Anger The Huntsman “Killian,” Liam’s voice was softer, desperate, barely more than a whisper. “Please, please, just come to the jeep with me now.”

Killian squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted to. He wanted so badly to go to the jeep, to leave the unnatural stronghold behind them but the more he thought about his father, the more the anger rose up inside him. His dad would never leave him, he knew that for sure, just as he also knew Liam would never let them leave their father behind. It meant only one thing; Silver had taken him from them.

Confusion The Huntsman (Double whammy here with two of the three words. Very short snippet because… spoilers!) “You’re not going to shoot me, Killian,” the Hatter sounded bored. “I know you.”

Any anger which had melted away in his confusion soared back through his veins. His grip tightened around the gun, preparing himself for the recoil, and he fired.

Tagging: @mie779 @snowbellewells @zaharadessert with lost, believe and heart

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Let’s Read Comics! With Samantha and her girlfriend :D

One More Day!

Probably the most infamous Spidey story...what can we possibly say about it that hasn’t been said before?

Nothing, we decided. So that’s why we’re not going to be riffing One More Day...instead we’re going to be riffing what comes AFTER...and believe me when you see how bad this story is you’ll see why it took a deal with Satan himself to create it

So join us and Spidey in this Brand New Day and let’s see how badly Dan Slott can get the character, his supporting cast and everything about the series so horribly horribly wrong

My Girlfriend: This is a very generic cover….

Me: For the start of a Bold New Era it really is kind of dull isn’t it?

Me: It just looks like a general Spider Pose….

Me: Don’t worry though the first page is even worse

Me: How does Dan Slott start this story?

WITH SLUT SHAMING

Because Dan Slott is a complete piece of shit

My Girlfriend: Why is the narrative treating Peter making out with a girl like its something shameful?

Me: Because in Dan Slott’s world Peter Parker is incapable of existing or operating in an adult world of adult relationships and instead basically talks, “Thinks” and acts like he’s a high school Nerd Bro

My Girlfriend: “A woman wearing a sexy outfit to a club?

ALERT THE CHURCH ELDERS AT ONCE”

Me: BURN HER AT THE STAKE

So, 24 hours earlier…

Me: Spider Mugger

Spider Mugger

Mugs whoever a Spider Mugger Will

My Girlfriend: Steals your watch

Takes your phone

Me: Shoots you in

Your leg bone

LOOK OUT

Here comes the Spider Mugger

Obviously this isn’t the ACTUAL Spider Man but after he runs off hilariously the guy he just mugged ponders “When did Spider Man become such a dick?”

My Girlfriend: How….stupid ARE people in the Marvel universe?

Me: Well apparently all it takes is wearing a superhero mask you can buy from a store to fool someone into thinking you are that hero, even if you have none of their powers, abilities and are literally just wearing a T-shirt and jeans

So

VERY STUPID

My Girlfriend: I mean I don’t want to be judgemental but the Marvel universe is made up of fucking morons

Me: These are the people who are so stupid and racist they think building Giant Genocide Robots is a peachy keen idea

And who put a serial killer and international terrorist who dresses up like a Halloween decoration in charge of the most powerful government organisation on earth

Put bluntly: the people of the Marvel universe are so stupid they all DESERVE to die

The news is talking about the Spider Mugger (Yes that’s his real name) and saying how despite this crime is way down thanks to a new “Registered” hero by the name of Jackpot

Me: Everyone remember Jackpot?

No?

Didn’t think so

My Girlfriend: Ah the days of Superhero Registration

Marvel really thought that idea was going to stick around didn’t they

Me: Well they also thought that making Speedball into “Penance” was a good idea

They don’t have a great track record…

But someone has mentioned Spider Man and like a summoning spell, that of course leads to the appearance of…

Me: “What’s next?

Live action movies?

A MUSICAL!?

A BEST SELLING PS4 EXCLUSIVE VIDEO GAME!?!?!?!”

My Girlfriend: Jameson looks spectacularly deranged here

Me: Slott basically writes Jameson like a Living Fandom Meme Version of Jameson and its hilariously stupid…when he was Mayor he spent millions in taxpayer money on a Spider Slayer Task Force

My Girlfriend: When he was WHAT

Me: Oh boy have I got some sights to show you…

My Girlfriend: I don’t feel like Jameson can really blame Spider Man for this

Me: Jameson can and will blame Spider Man for anything up to and including the last two world wars and the stock market crash

The reporter talks about how since Spider Man vanished from view the Bugle’s been selling less and less copies which Jameson refuses to comment on…

Me: it’s jut not the same now no one brings him PICTURES

PICTURES OF SPIDER MAN

My Girlfriend: But does he jump around his office in a Spider Man costume he bought from a garbage man

That is what I need to know

Me: I LIKE TO THINK HE DOES

The reporter asks the question…where is Spider Man now?

Me: Spider Man

Spider Man

Where did you go to Spider Man

My Girlfriend: And will he come back into action because of haunting visions of his dead uncle

Me: If Sam Raimi is to be believed haunting visions of his dead uncle inspire most of what he does

So probably yes

We turn our attention to forest hills Queens where…

Me: Dan Slott’s version of Peter puts the “Lovable Loser” in the phrase “Completely unlovable loser”

My Girlfriend: Marvel thought this would make Peter Parker more likable and relatable

Him being a lazy douchebag taking advantage of his Constantly Dying Aunts charitable nature lounging in bed with a five o clock shadow and expecting an eighty year old woman to cook and clean for him

Me: Like

I firmly believe friends and family should totally always be there to help each other and I don’t think there’s any shame in needing to stay with family as an adult because your having financial problems…but this is the FIRST THING WE SEE of our series hero in this new continuity

Not him helping people

Not him even just helping around the house while he stays with May to be a good house guest and a nice nephew

He’s passed out in bed in his clothes while his aunt pleads with him to please for the love of god do something with his life

Its…not inspiring

My Girlfriend: It inspires a feeling that he only saved Aunt May’s life in One More Day because he wants to make sure she updates her will to leave him everything

Me: Peter saved his aunt’s life because he can’t lose his only source of rent-free room and board

My Girlfriend: I don’t want to hate on the artist but

Even his expression is douche-y here

Me: He really does look EXTREMELY punch-able here

We cut to later that morning with Peter buying a copy of the Bugle that the news vendor notes is doing TERRIBLY

Me: “The Bugle is in serious financial trouble!

Not like us street corner news vendors who are still a thriving and profitable business in the 21st century”

My Girlfriend: “Thank god no one will ever be able to read news for free in their own homes on some kind of electronic device”

Peter basically says he thinks its hilarious that the Bugle is going under which…WOW…and notes that he’s sure Jonah has plenty stashed away

Me: Okay…yes Jonah could be a cheap boss but wow…Peter BASKING in him losing everything is not great…especially given that the Bugle going under means EVERYONE WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS

My Girlfriend: Including Robby Robertson and Betty Brant who are meant to be Peter’s friends

Me: “Its hilarious to me that countless people, many of whom have been kind and compassionate to me over the years will soon be unemployed!”

My Girlfriend: “As long as it hurts one grumpy dude who I don’t like its awesome”

Me: This is gonna bring you bad karma Peter

Peter thinks about how him being back living with his aunt is “Just sad” at this point

Me: The fandom agrees with Peter there about how sad this is

My Girlfriend: You’ve gone from living with a supermodel wife to living in your Dying Aunts Spare Room

“Sad” is an understatement

Me: It’s the biggest step down since Kara Danvers went from dating James Olsen to Mon El

As Peter scans the want ads he gets a call from Betty Brant who says she MIGHT have found him an apartment!

Me: “Wow that’s so nice of you Betty!

Almost makes me feel bad about how I was laughing about how your gonna lose your job soon”

My Girlfriend: “ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE”

However to get the apartment he needs to find a job to cover the rent because That Is How Rent Works

So its time for a Sad Montage!

Me: IT’S THE MOST DEPRESSING MONTAGE EVER

My Girlfriend: God I feel bad about how much we were mocking him now

This is just sad

Me: Dan Slott’s Peter Parker basically has No Life Skills

It’s a miracle he hasn’t killed himself plugging in his hairdryer

He’s just a Mess in human form

My Girlfriend: That “You just left your camera on a ledge” line is pretty hilarious

Me: TRUE

We have to give Dan Slott props for that…that is Funny On Purpose

My Girlfriend: What happened to Peter’s teaching job?

Me: Going by this scene they basically got sick of him running off to beat up Sandman when he was supposed to be grading papers and just gave him his walking papers…

My Girlfriend: I also find it hilarious and worrying that Peter didn’t think he was qualified for a job in fixing toasters

Me: Inventing the most miraculous adhesive substance known to man and sophisticated tracking devices?

EASY

Toasters?

HOW DO THEY WORK

Science Dude asks Peter what he’s been doing with his life and we get this moment…

Me: Peter is unemployable because he is too busy Fighting Goblin Men

My Girlfriend: It’s a noble sacrifice

What the hell is he fighting in that bottom right corner…

Me: Oh that’s the robot J Jonah Jameson illegally had built to murder him with

Also seen on this page is the scorpion man he illegally had created to murder him with

My Girlfriend: HOW IS HE NOT IN JAIL

Me: Babe

He’s a wealthy white man in America

They don’t go to JAIL

My Girlfriend: Right, how silly of me

So after that depressing experience…

Me: “Here it is this Brand New Day…and I just don’t feel like an Amazing Spider Man”

My Girlfriend: Not even a sensational or a spectacular one?

Me: This story is REALLY leaning on the whole “Sad sack” thing for Peter here and honestly its less relatable and more…grating?

Like I fully realise how hard it can be to get a job

But this story is RIDICULOUS in how its like “Peter Parker is completely unemployable”

My Girlfriend: One of those job listings said you need a “Masters degree in janitorial studies”

That

Doesn’t exist

Me: One of them says you need a “PHD in bread into toast theory”

Has Dan Slott ever actually applied for a job in his entire life?

My Girlfriend: He seems to be working from a rough description someone gave him

As Peter is thinking about how he needs a life coach he gets a call from Harry Osborn and declares “Speak of the devil!”

Me: Okay

Peter

I know your life sucks right now but

It is nowhere near bad enough that Harry Osborn should be viewed as a life coach

My Girlfriend: NO ONE would view Harry Osborn as a life coach

Me: Literally the only way you could pick a worse life coach than Harry Osborn is dragging Mel Gibson or Johnny Depp out of whatever gutter they are currently passed out drunk and/or coked out of their skull in and asking them to be your life coach

Harry and his new girlfriend Lily Hollister invite Peter out for a night at Da Club which Peter happily accepts

Me: Ah good, Harry’s got a new love interest

Hope he doesn’t try and murder this one!

My Girlfriend: HE MAKES NO PROMISES

Me: Also sidenote: Harry being alive again?

WASN’T EXPLAINED FOR LIKE A YEAR

And then when we got an explanation?

It was Absolute Bullshit

My Girlfriend: I am not even a little bit surprised

Though I am surprised they explained it at all because I thought it being magic meant they didn’t have to

Harry and Disposable Love Interest want their roommate Carlie Cooper to come out with them but she says she is too busy learning about Corpse Science to come out with them

Me: This is how Dan Slott shows us that Carlie is Not Like Other Girls

My Girlfriend: She is Different From Those Shallow Sluts

Me: But Dan Slott can’t possibly keep this thrill a minute pace up forever

So enough about Peter Parker’s failed career prospects and his friends plans to go clubbing

Let’s slow things down with a gangland murder

My Girlfriend: If we HAVE to…

Yes, in China Town we see…

Me: I love how Dan Slott thought that we wouldn’t be able to figure out that this dirty cop making deals with the triads is a Bad Person unless he included that dialogue about how he pimped out his sister to steal evidence

My Girlfriend: He was just too morally ambiguous when he was only stealing evidence to sell to a murderous crimelord

Me: “Hmmmmmmmm

How can I convince people that this scumbag working for a supervillain is not meant to be sympathetic”

My Girlfriend: I still feel its too morally grey

Me: But now

Now it’s time for Him to appear

My Girlfriend: YES IT IS

Me: SAY YOU DRAW SOMETHING IN CHALK

AND THEN YOU ERASE IT

Y A  K N O W W H E R E  I T G O E S

My Girlfriend: “YOU AND ME NEED TO TALK CHALK BUDDY”

Me: IT’S THE CHALK ZONE MAN

Me: “I need to punish those who don’t

Hence why I have summoned

THIS MAGICAL SPANKING PADDLE”

My Girlfriend: 50 Shades of Negative

Me: Instead of a little red room he’s got a little black and white room

No we’re kidding, he slaughters everyone

My Girlfriend: His henchmen should have set some hard limits against this

Me: this feels like the exact opposite of safe, sane OR consensual honestly

My Girlfriend: No safe word could save them

The terrified detective is freaking the fuck out because who wouldn’t honestly but Mr Negative offers him a stack of blood soaked dollar bills to pay him for his help

Me: I don’t think most banks will take that

My Girlfriend: You have more faith in human morality than I do

Me: I just like to think that if someone went into like American Express with a stack of dollar bills soaked in human blood they would maybe ask some questions

My Girlfriend: I do not believe they would

It turns out that what Mr Negative has bought is that Tablet of Time thingy!

Me: AHHHHHHHHHH

HE HAS THE MAGIC ROCK THAT MADE SILVERMANE A BABY

AND THE LIZARD A LIZARD AGAIN

My Girlfriend: THE PLOT DEVICE ROCK

And he declares that all he now needs is “An expert in foreign tongues”

Me: LEWD

My Girlfriend: He means foreign LANGUAGES you goddamn dork

Me: Right I totally knew that

So with that brief moment of Actual Plot over and done with we cut to…

Me: PETER PARKER

Heroically fleeing from his only chance at getting laid any time soon!

My Girlfriend: “MUST

RUN

FROM SEXUAL INTERCOURSE”

Me: To be fair he’s maybe just aware of the fact that his 1000 year old aunt will be in the next room hearing them bang

My Girlfriend: I can see how that would be a mood killer

Peter rejoins Harry, Lily and Carlie and Harry makes a joke about how Carlie knows how you can learn a lot about someone from the inside of their mouth

Carlie replies with, I kid you not “yes but they have to be….dead”

Me: “I’m a pathologist, not a necrophile, just to be clear”

My Girlfriend: “That comment would probably have been less of a red flag if you knew what my job was”

Me: Its actually still kind of a red flag honestly

Me: HAHAHAHHAAAHAHHA I FUCKING HATE THIS COMIC

My Girlfriend: “Peter, like all heterosexual men, has sworn off dating extremely attractive women!”

Me: If there’s one thing people who are attracted to women hate

It’s dating women who are really really sexy

My Girlfriend: You can tell this was meant to be “Clever” or self referential

But its just…stupid

“Sworn off dating models”

What does that even MEAN?

Me: Right?

Like what, Peter learns a woman he likes is a professional model and he’s like “NOPE THAT’S IT I’M DUMPING YOU”

My Girlfriend: “I had one relationship with a model that got fucked up by morons in Marvel editorial so now I won’t date them”

We then get…

Me: “The only Mrs Parker in my life is my dear, sweat Aunt May”

Peter

DON’T BE CREEPY THAT’S CREEPY

My Girlfriend: Peter “Norman Bates” Parker there

Me: Also

I’m pretty sure you can’t get married when your LEGALLY DEAD

Which Harry was

Also wanted for Goblin Crime after he broke out of an asylum for the criminally insane and tried to murder a lot of people

My Girlfriend: That does sound like the kind of thing most priests would find objectionable when asked to perform a marriage ceremony

Me: Unless it’s a catholic priest in which case you just say fifty hail maries and put a fifty dollar bill in the church collection plate and your good to go

They only object to REALLY SERIOUS THINGS like not being heterosexual

Harry jokes about Lily wanting to be his wife and she’s like “Can I just be your girlfriend lol” and Harry’s response is “Why buy the cow…”

Me: This banter is…REALLY SOMETHING

My Girlfriend: Its real quality stuff

Me: I feel like my eyes are being verbally assaulted

Peter apparently thinks all this is charming and says Harry and Lily are a cute couple and asks how they met…Harry explains that he spent a few million dollars on looking into whether Lily’s father should run for mayor

Me: Casual reminder that one of the reasons given for why Marvel should break up Peter and Mary Jane is that Peter being married made him “Less relatable” to readers

This though?

Apparently totally relatable

My Girlfriend: What are you talking about?

My friends are always talking about how they have spent millions of dollars financing political campaigns

Me: Its real down to earth stuff your right

To be fair to the story Peter DOES bring up how he can’t believe how casual Harry is about this stuff and Harry proceeds to offer him some cash to help with his current troubles

Me: I adore Peter, I really do

Like

Not when Dan Slott writes him, but in general

But I would only lend him money if I was comfortable with the fact I would NEVER be getting paid back because if there is one thing that is universally true it’s that Peter Parker is ALWAYS BROKE and will NEVER have enough money to be able to pay that money back

My Girlfriend: Wasn’t he a billionaire for a while?

Me: HE WAS

AND HE LOST EVERY CENT

Peter Parker went bankrupt as a billionaire and lost his whole fortune

That’s how bad Peter’s luck  is with money

I don’t think ANY billionaire in real life has EVER lost their entire fortune

But Peter did

My Girlfriend: He does his best

Me: HE DOES

But the universe has conspired to make sure that Peter Parker will Never Know Financial Security in his entire life

If Peter Parker won the lottery the next week he would fight a villain called the Lottery Demon who had the power of magically making lottery winnings disappear

The universe HATES this man for some reason

Harry also points out that the lady who was making out with Peter is back and eyeing him up and Peter flees to the mens room to hide from her

Me: “OH GOD

AN EXTREMELY HOT WOMAN WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME

I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HER AS FAST AS POSSIBLE”

My Girlfriend: “MUST FLEE FROM SEX”

However as Peter hides in the men’s room to escape the chance of actually having a sexual encounter with something other than his hand, the Club Lady follows him in and we get….

Me: HAHAHAHA

Its funny because sexually active women are just Stupid Shallow Vapid Greedy Dirty Sluts who should be mocked and treated like idiots by the narrative!

My Girlfriend: You can just tell

That Dan Slott was turned down by every girl he asked out to prom

And this is his “revenge”

Me: “I might have spent prom night with an anime love pillow but now I can Get Back At Those Mean Girls who Don’t Want Nice Guys Like Me!”

My Girlfriend: When Ryan Murphy wants to feel better about how he writes women, he reads these comics

Me: When Frank Miller wants to feel better about how he writes women he reads these comics

So where is Peter?

Well….

Me: “Oh, Peter?

I see you just jumped out of a second story window with superhuman agility to land right beside me

Because the only explanation for how I wouldn’t notice that is that I am Velma Dinkley levels of blind without my glasses”

My Girlfriend: Carlie helpfully lets us know she is Not Like Other Girls here

Me: its Dan Slott’s way of letting us know she’s not a Dirty Club Skank like the woman Peter ran from and thus has Worth and Value because only women who Act The Way Men Want Them To are Good Women

Peter makes some awkward flirting with Carlie but its interrupted by….

Me: Spider Man is being Mugged by the SPIDER MUGGER

ITS SPIDERCEPTION

My Girlfriend: Okay

Look

I’ve let it go a few times but

You are not using “Inception” as a reference correctly okay kitten

You’ve done this before

And I have to tell you this or you Won’t Learn

The Spider Mugger does his Spider Mugging on Peter and Carlie since Peter knows with a gun pointed point blank at Carlie there’s nothing he can do…and worse the mugger also steals Peter’s web shooter!

Me: I have to ask

If Peter has given up being Spider Man

WHY IS HE WEARING THAT

My Girlfriend: Even if he was still Spider Man

Why the HELL would you wear that to a club?

Me: Right?

Like

Going clubbing basically involves dancing in an area where a LOT of people are going to be bumping into you

If someone triggers that webshooter on the dance floor its bye bye secret identity

My Girlfriend: YOU CAN TAKE THE WEBSHOOTER OFF PETER

Me: You do not have to wear it EVERYWHERE

The mugger thinks the webshooter is a “Watch” and notes that it is a “Nice watch”

Me: “What a good watch that has no watch face, minute or second hands or any way to tell the time with!”

And he takes off with it…Peter goes to chase him but Carlie is like “The fuck is wrong with you HE WILL SHOOT U DEAD” so Peter instead fires a spider tracer onto the guy which he was ALSO wearing

Me: So wait

The mugger noticed the webshooter but NOT the spider tracer thing which looks exactly the same?

My Girlfriend: This plot is Made Of Convenient Things!

Peter goes after the mugger saying he’s going to take his picture for the bugle and Carlie says that he’s an idiot

Me: Carlie Cooper sums up my thoughts on Dan Slott’s Peter Parker

My Girlfriend: Carlie Cooper is all of us in this panel

Peter is about to change into Spider Man buuuuuut….

Me: Wasn’t Peter JUST THINKING TODAY

About how desperately he needs money?

Yet here

With a golden opportunity to sell some pictures and maybe stop living in his aunts house

He’s like “Nope can’t do it!”

My Girlfriend: he can’t do it because it would make the Bugle money

Which he’s been doing since he was sixteen years old

But apparently now all of a sudden he objects to the idea

Me: The past twenty years of Jameson running “Spider Man: Worse than Dracula or Worse than A Million Frankensteins?” articles didn’t both him but now all of a sudden when he desperately needs cash he’s like “I will not make money from the Bugle”

My Girlfriend: it’s a bit like a man whose eaten meat all their life deciding to become vegan while stranded on a dessert island on which no plants grow but its full of animals and barbecues

Peter decides he will take care of this as “Plain old Peter Parker” by “Sticking to the shadows” while using his spider powers un-masked

Me: Peter is promptly captured on half a dozen CCTV cameras and exposed as Spider Man within the hour

My Girlfriend: SHIELD has a fully armed assault team at his aunts house immediately

Me: Disgrace and an all out manhunt follow swiftly

Peter catches up to the mugger and wow….

Me: Okay that mugger has some UNFOTUNATE MUTTON CHOPS

My Girlfriend: He’s obviously not spending any of the money he’s stolen on a razor

Me: He’s even got a little Not Beard going on

Well done artist this guy looks Peak Douchebag here

Peter does the mugger a Real Bad Scare and he runs off and Peter thinks that if he was in his Spider Man costume he could have webbed him up….

My Girlfriend: No you couldn’t because he stole your webshooter

It happened like a page ago

Me: The Spider Man costume does not magically give you All The Spider Power Peter

He chases him into a FEAST homeless centre and May is shocked and worried to find Peter lurking around there…

Me: “Oh god

PETER HAS IT REALLY COME TO THIS

ARE YOU DEFRAUDING HOMELESS SHELTERS”

My Girlfriend: “For gods sake Peter if you want soup that badly I will cook you soup”

Me: “This is a new low…”

Peter doesn’t just encounter his Troubled Aunt though

He also meets…

Me: “Peter

I’d like to ask you a personal question right now”

My Girlfriend: He takes one look at Peter and just assumes he’s a hobo

Me: “Oh dear you poor man…we’ll get you some new clothes and…see what we can do about the smell”

Peter tries to explain thing and poor Aunt May reacts with horror that it appears that Peter had his shoes stolen

Me: Peter is slowly but surely murdering his aunt with anxiety

My Girlfriend: Its ironic that he thinks NOT telling her he’s Spider Man is sparing her stress

When it actually makes thing much worse

Me: Honestly I feel like she’d be INTENSELY RELIEVED if she knew he had superpowers and a magical sixth sense that warns him of danger

Because at present she seems to think he’s five seconds away from being murdered and dumped in an alley way at any given moment

My Girlfriend: Its why she has a heart attack roughly twice every couple years

Me: More frequently than some people have haircuts!

Peter

YOU ARE KILLING YOUR AUNT

TELL HER THE TRUTH

The mugger escapes and Martin Li is Very Helpful to a bamboozled Peter

Me: “Let me get you some new shoes Peter

And while I do

Could I ask you a personal question?”

My Girlfriend: Peter Parker heroically helps himself to shoes that could have gone toward the homeless

Me: “I deserve these more okay”

Peter skulks out feeling shitty about himself and Aunt May reassures him that he can stay with her as long as he needs to

Me: Aunt May 100% believes that Peter rips off homeless shelters in his free time

My Girlfriend: All it took was seeing him show up at a shelter she was volunteering at to convince her he’s posing as a hobo to get free food

Me: Ironically this scene that’s meant to show how compassionate she is also strongly suggests she has a REALLY low opinion of her nephews morals

My Girlfriend: She doesn’t even take ten minutes between seeing him walk through the door and leaping to “Oh god he’s pretending to be homeless to scam meals from a charity”

Aunt May might have a point, at least about Dan Slott’s Spider Man though because the next scene is…

Me: “Hey I know you all might lose you jobs

But this effects ME as well”

My Girlfriend: This would be more easy to sympathise with

If we hadn’t been shown on the previous page

That Peter has a rent free roof over his head and free meals for as long as he needs them

Me: Also a few pages before that we were reminded that his best friend is a MILLIONAIRE who will literally just give him wads of cash and be like “Hey don’t worry about paying me back its fine”

My Girlfriend: Betty Brant meanwhile is a traumatised widow working for minimum wage

Me: “I get that things are bad for Other People Betty but I really want that money because how else will I survive except by the other means of support this issue has shown I have”

My Girlfriend: “Things are tough for me too Betty!

life isn’t making me feel Special right now!”

Me: He can’t get a job as a physics teacher or a super scientist or a high paid fashion photographer…you know all those totally normal careers that everyone else really easily get…

Peter barges into Jonah’s office and Robbie is like “Hey Peter lets not start a thing now” but Peter is determined to Start Shit and tells Jonah he wants cash from this bankrupt newspaper that is going out of business

Jonah, not to be outdone on the “Which of us can be the biggest asshole in this scene” tells Peter that he’s an ungrateful little dick for wanting to be paid

Me: No one comes out of this looking good

My Girlfriend: Do you mean this scene or this comic

Me: I can mean both things

Me: This scene is….

Its

Something

My Girlfriend: I feel like you have Opinions about this

Me: Like

On the one hand

I get that it must be cathartic to have Peter call out Jonah on how yeah he could be cheap and he is extremely Spider-Paranoid and can be a jerk

But also

Jonah has been shown to have a lot of decent qualities, to care about his employees and also to actually really like Peter deep down

Also

He’s given his all to the Bugle and its not a “Two bit rag” it’s a decent paper with a lot of hard working staff and Peter being like “Without me selling my Spider Man photos you are NOTHING” just feels so effing disrespectful and shitty

My Girlfriend: Its pretty gross he does this with Robbie right there in the room

Me: Right?

Even if Peter is pissed at Jonah, Robbie has always been decent to him and here he’s like “THIS PAPER IS GARBAGE WITHOUT ME” with its editor standing RIGHT THERE BESIDE HIM

My Girlfriend: And the staff who are all losing their jobs right outside

Me: Not every single thing is all about you Peter

You can just tell that Dan Slott basically thinks that because Peter is the hero of the series No One Else Really Matters

And our issue ends with…

Me: THE AMAZING SPIDER MAN!

WITH GREAT POWER

COMES THE GREAT ABILITY TO TRIGGER HEART ATTACKS IN ELDERLY MEN

My Girlfriend: Normally the peril is caused by the villains or mother nature

This comic takes the bold step of having the hero nearly murder a man

Me: Because he feels self pity about his aunt thinking he pretends to be homeless

My Girlfriend: Will the next issue be worse?

Me: lets read and find out!

BUT YES

Me: Peter Parker assaults an innocent Kabuki actors troupe

My Girlfriend: HE IS A THREAT

OR POSSIBLY A MENACE

Me: MAYBE EVEN A THREATENING MENACE

So how does this story begin?

I’m sorry your eyes are gonna see this

Me: “Happy”?

NO

NO I AM NOT HAPPY

My Girlfriend: NO ONE IS HAPPY

Me: NO ONE WILL EVER BE HAPPY AGAIN

Hillariously on the next page we get

Me: “Wait there’s an ambulance crew here?”

My Girlfriend: “We kept telling you Peter “Please for the love of god let the paramedics take over

We’ve been telling you that for half an hour”

Robbie Robertson, always a professional, says that while Jonah gets medical care the Bugle is going to give 100% and hands out assignments

Peter asks Robbie if there’s anything he can do

Me: “Well one thing you could have done is not give my friend a heart attack and maybe killed him”

My Girlfriend: “So if you have a time machine going back to twenty minutes ago and telling yourself not to be an asshole would be helpful”

Robbie is a nicer person than we are though and he’s not holding a grudge about how Peter maybe killed his friend with his angry ranting and he instead tells him that the Bugle needs something BIG to bring its circulation back up and stop it going bankrupt

“We need Spider Man, son

On the front page”

Me: So basically what Robbie is saying is that

They need pictures

PICTURES OF SPIDER MAN

My Girlfriend: Its like the most depressing version of that meme ever

Me: “We need pictures of Spider Man

Or a lot of people are going to lose their jobs and my friend might go to his grave having lost the paper he devoted a lifetime to”

My Girlfriend: “Could your re-phrase that in a way that makes it sound more comical?”

Meanwhile thousands of miles away…..

Me: “Oh wow you were held up at gunpoint?

You had a criminal press a firearm up to your ribs and threaten to murder you in the street for ur belongings?

THAT’S SO BAD ASS”

-          Harry Osborn, caring friend

My Girlfriend: He knows just what she needs after a near death experience

Coffee

And lots of it

Me: And not to report this to the police or just go home and rest and recover

My Girlfriend: Its also hilarious how Harry and Lily are not at all bothered that Peter ran after a mugger and hasn’t been seen since

Me: “Should…should we try and check if he’s okay?”

My Girlfriend: “Oh Carlie, the quirky things you say

Now lets just hang out at a coffee shop together”

Carlie calls to cancel her cards and says they should tell Peter to do the same and Harry genuinely LAUGHS at the idea anyone would give Peter a credit card

Me: I’d judge Harry for this but honestly he has a point

My Girlfriend: the last company that trusted Peter with a credit card bitterly regretted it right before the Green Goblin blew them up with a pumpkin bomb

Me: I’d also like to point out the timeline of this story is ALL OVER THE PLACE

Like

Logically this scene takes place right after the Spectacular Spider Mugging?

But then that means Peter just barged into the Bugle at like twelve at night after his shameful display at the FEAST centre

My Girlfriend: Which makes him being like “GIMME MY MONEY” to Jonah even more stupid

Did he think he was just going to fish handfuls of cash out of his Magic Money Safe right there?

So while Harry chuckles about how Peter Parker will die in poverty we cut to…

Me: I have to say

This is the most spectacularly UGLY room full of criminals I’ve seen in a while

My Girlfriend: It’s like they arranged a convention for the Most Hideous Men  in all new York

And these are the people who were too ugly to get in

Me: And oh look I wonder if this pointless scene where someone’s talking about a big get together of mobsters might have Some Plot Relevance in a story where the main villain is a supervillain mobster?

My Girlfriend: No I’m sure its just a colourful background event

Me: its also hilarious how this idiot doesn’t even know he has one of Peter’s webshooters but is just like

AMAZED at this lump of worthless metal he has

My Girlfriend: “Who wouldn’t want what looks like an ugly bracelet from Claire’s?”

And then I kid you not, this guy figures out that it shoots spider tracers and web fluid and the fence he’s talking to…NOTICES NONE OF THIS

Me: “Did you say something?

Or reveal you had a piece of actual superhero tech on your wrist?

I was too busy staring at this table to notice”

My Girlfriend: How did he not notice…ANY of that?

The guy is SAT FOUR FEET AWAY FROM HIM

Me: He’s just really really preoccupied with Not Looking At Anything Happening Around Him okay

So while the Spider Mugger wonders if his fence is actually blind and also plots to keep what he found we cut to Peter and…

Me: If only SOMETHING had happened in Peter’s life that taught him that not stopping a robber from committing robberies when he had the power to do something about it was a bad idea

My Girlfriend: Unfortunately there was nothing in his personal history to suggest it might lead to unfortunate unforeseen complications

Me: “It’s almost like with all this Great Power I have I should also take Great Responsibility for things”

My Girlfriend: “No that is just ridiculous”

Peter picks up a signal from his spider tracer he put on the Spider Mugger…but also gets a signal from the one the Spider Mugger accidentally launched onto “Baby Bruno” the Tony Soprano wannabe from the bar

Me: “TWO signals?

God this sounds like a lot of work”

My Girlfriend: “Can’t I just go back to FEAST and pretend to be homeless again?

I might get more free shoes”

The Maggia dude is grabbed up IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and snatched into a van….

Me: Look

I don’t live in New York

I’ve not been to New York

But

Is it really just a normal thing for NO ONE to do anything when someone is kidnapped IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY IN A PUBLIC STREET

While they scream for help?

My Girlfriend: And if it is why is it

Peter spots this kidnapping and swings toward the source but they hit a crane as they zoom off….

Me: “OH NO

THEY TRIGGERED A QUICK TIME EVENT”

My Girlfriend: “Oh god I’m going to be stuck on this for AGES”

Peter catches a falling billboard that dropped from the crane the van crashed into and…

Me: See this is what I mean when I say that the non-powered people of the Marvel universe

DESERVE TO DIE

My Girlfriend: They really kind of do

Me: This pack of jerks were just saved from a horrifying death

By someone who puts their life at risk every day to do this kind of thing

And they respond to this

By accusing him of CAUSING the disaster even though any imbecile with a working pair of eyes could see that’s not what happened

And saying “get the fuck out of here HOW DARE YOU SAVE OUR LIVES YOU BASTARD”

My Girlfriend: “You almost crushed us with that thing!

That thing you caught and stopped from crushing us!”

Me: I’d love a Marvel AU story where all the superheroes just left earth back in the sixties because they got sick of these whiny ungrateful dipshits and formed like a Superhero Paradise in space

Meanwhile earth is a radioactive crater ruled by supervillains and cosmic horrors and the enslaved survivors are like “Okay maybe we should have been a bit nicer to the people who were constantly trying to save our shitty planet”

My Girlfriend: They’d probably still be racist toward mutants though

Me: “The hordes of Annihilus might be using our children as slaves and also food but at least those Damn Muties aren’t living on our planet anymore”

Peter thinks to himself that he really hopes that Jonah is doing okay right now as we cut to Jonah’s wife visiting him in the hospital

Me: “I wonder how Jonah is doing?

MAYBE THIS SCENE CHANGE WILL ANSWER MY QUESTION”

My Girlfriend: “Now seems as good a time as any for a subplot”

Me: At least she had realistic expectations for the relationship

My Girlfriend: She wasn’t trying to kid herself

Me: I mean they literally met because she worked on Spider Slayers to attack Spider Man with for him so she knew what she was getting into at day one…

My Girlfriend: Is that GENUINELY how they met

Me: IT WAS

Jonah Jameson met the love of his life because they were both trying to murder Spider Man with robots together

That’s one of the most perfectly in character romances in all of comics honestly

My Girlfriend: The only way it could be better is if he tried to mutate Marla into some kind of Crab Monster to fight Spider Man

Me: If the romance had happened in the sixties this would have occurred  

And Marla proceeds to call her and Jonah’s lawyer…and say that she wants to get power of attorney and sell the Daily Bugle to unseen character Dexter Bennett so Jonah doesn’t have to worry about it anymore!

Me: “My husband just suffered a serious heart attack while fighting tooth and nail to keep the paper he loves from slipping from his grasp!

There’s only one thing I can do

Sell it to someone he hates

While he’s in a coma”

My Girlfriend: “I’m sure finding out about this when he wakes up will put him in great spirits”

Me: “AND have only a positive effect on his health!”

My Girlfriend: When someone has a heart attack because they are stressed and anxious about something happening

The best thing you can do to help them recover

Is tell them it happened

Me: And that you someone they loved and trusted, caused it to happen!

My Girlfriend: A FOOLPROOF PLAN

But hey what happened with that guy whose abduction Spider Man failed to prevent?

WELL

Me: “Before I answer you

I’d like to ask you a question of my own

A PERSONAL QUESTION”

My Girlfriend: “You’re a man of many questions Mr Karnelli

Questions of a personal nature”

Me: Bruno Karnelli is rapidly having second thoughts about trusting the monstrous Evil Energy Demon Man whose henchmen all dress in terrifying masks

My Girlfriend: It wasn’t the wise decision he thought it was at the time

Me: And now he finds himself trapped

Trapped

IN THE CHALK ZONE

My Girlfriend: NO HE IS NOT TRAPPED THERE

Karnelli says that Mr Negative said that he claimed he “Needed what he brought to the table” and Mr Negative responds with “To be fair I meant THIS table” referring to the medical table he’s strapped to

Me: Okay

That is

PRETTY FUNNY

My Girlfriend: It was actually amusing

Me: Reminds me of Megatron in Transformers Prime being like “You’ve earned a seat at the table…the DISSECTION table”

My Girlfriend: This is why its important to confirm What Table people mean

Me: IT MIGHT BE THE BAD KIND OF TABLE

But Mr Negative has spotted something…

Me: Wow he has good eye sight

Which is impressive given that he doesn’t seem to have Proper Eyes

My Girlfriend: If only Peter designed these tracers to not be bright red and spider shaped

Me: NOW HE KNOWS HE’S GONNA TRY AND GET INTO THE CHALK ZONE

And no sooner has he spotted it than…

Me: This isn’t superhero banter, this is how he’s trying to make a living at this point

My Girlfriend: He’s doing his best

Me: He just doesn’t want to have to steal shoes from a homeless shelter again

Me: “I’ll answer your question

If you first answer one of mine

A PERSONAL ONE”

My Girlfriend: Mr Negative seems really desperate for a nemesis here

Me: Your coming off so thirsty right now Li

Superheroes don’t like when a villain comes on strong like this

My Girlfriend: You need to fight casually a few times, see what happens

Me: Maybe you become arch enemies, maybe not

Don’t try and force it you just seem pushy and creepy

It turns out that Spider Man foiled a robbery in a free comics day story that was Mr Negative’s plan but didn’t even realise it was him

Me: “Well this is awkward”

My Girlfriend: “Look it was just a one time thing okay”

Me: “I really don’t want to get serious with any one supervillain at this point in my life”

Peter realises this is all about the Magic Tablet Thing-y and says that he’s really sick of mobsters obsessing over it

Me: Peter is leaning pretty heavily on the fourth wall here

My Girlfriend: It’s right up there with the “Oh its another Death Star” line from The Force Awakens

Me: “Oh god we’re doing this again”

My Girlfriend: “This story is just like That Other One You Might Remember except Different”

Me: If Dan Slott wrote for the Flash tv show Barry would react to each seasons big bad by going “Ah yes this must be the Evil Speedster I will fight this year” for the first three series

Mr Negative won’t have this bullshit though and explains how his Tablet is special….

Me: The last time I saw someone so desperate to talk about how special and amazing their tablet was they were doing a commercial for Apple

My Girlfriend: ………..

Are you

Proud of that pun

Me: NO

My Girlfriend: Good, you shouldn’t be

Spider Man interrupts Mr Negative’s monologue by smashing the tablet to bits and he reacts to this by basically going “You do  realise that I wrote down the formula, right?”

Me: Okay

That is also PRETTY FUNNY

My Girlfriend: And surprisingly competent for a man who chose “Mr Negative” as his supervillain name

Me: He’s just like “Oh no if only it was possible to make a copy of a thing that has been written down OH WAIT IT IS AND I DID”

My Girlfriend: Peter is dumbfounded at the fact that smashing one thing that has something written on it doesn’t destroy it forever

His goons tell him that they have the poison ready to go and hearing his name Peter asks if they “Ran out of names at the name store”

Me: Okay I now retroactively take back all the times I told Dan Slott his writing was genuinely funny during this story

Because that’s the WORST banter I have ever heard

My Girlfriend: it doesn’t even make SENSE

Me: Right?

Like

Peter saying “You guys really are running out of clever names aren’t you?” that might have been sort of amusing

Saying “They’re running out of names at the name store” is just Nonsense Word Salad

My Girlfriend: It can’t have even sounded clever in his HEAD

Mr Negative decides to distract Peter by setting the Evil Machinery to drain Bruno of blood saying that Peter can either chase him or save a life

Quote Peter “Hang on tubby! I’m coming!”

Me: “I’ll save you so that gives me a pass to mock your weight while I do it!”

My Girlfriend: Your meant to be a FRIENDLY neighbourhood Spider Man, Peter

Me: Instead he’s acting like a body shaming neighbourhood Spider Man

So while that happens we cut back to the Spider Mugger who is doing a Spider Mugging…

Me: I hate to agree with a violent mugger but he’s really not wrong in his estimation of this guys intelligence

My Girlfriend: It’s like reverse Clark Kent syndrome

Instead of a paper thin disguise being all it takes to hide your superhero identity

All it takes is a store bought Halloween costume to convince someone you are who you say you are

Me: “Why did you let that man into the bank vault?

WE’VE BEEN ROBBED BLIND!”

My Girlfriend: “But it was Captain America! I thought we could trust him!”

Me: “IT WASN’T CAPTAIN AMERICA IT WAS A GUY WITH A TRASH CAN LID HE’D PAINTED THE STARS AND STRIPES ON”

To make matters worse the mugger realises that if he goes back and gets the wallet he stole from Peter from the fence he pawned it to he’ll be able to learn who Spider Man really is!

Me: Once again, Peter Parker is Barry Allen levels of terrible at keeping his identity secret

My Girlfriend: Its one thing when criminal geniuses learn who you are Peter

But now even some nameless street crook has figured it out

Me: Even Tobey Maguire Spider Man would tell him he needs to do better at keeping his identity secret

Meanwhile over with Aunt May

Me: I feel like even if her nephew wasn’t a superhero, her habit of barging into his room without knocking would still be a bad idea

My Girlfriend: “No no its fine

I’m just a lonely dateless man so there’s No Chance At All I might be masturbating right now”

Me: I also have to wonder just what May thinks Peter is doing with his free time, now she doesn’t know he’s Spider Man anymore

He’s got no steady employment, his friends won’t have seen him while he’s web slinging around town…what does she think her nephew is doing

My Girlfriend: DEFRAUDING HOMELESS SHELTERS

Me: “Please god don’t let him be stealing shoes again”

Over with Peter he’s managed to rescue the Maggia Dude who brings up how Mr Negative promised him that after today he’d be running the Maggia

Peter brings up how given what a jackass this dude is the only way he’d ever be in charge is if everyone else in line for the job was dead…and then they both realise Oh Shit That’s What’s Going to Happen

Me: “OH NO

I MEANT THAT AS A JOKE BUT IT WOUND UP HORRIFYING AND REAL”

My Girlfriend: Oh no

Not the Maggia

What will the world do with fewer bloodthirsty crime lords in it?

Me: Whose going to smuggle all the drugs and do all the gangland executions with them gone?

Me: Mr Negative has a very laidback approach to mass murder

My Girlfriend: He knows you can’t rush these things

Me: “Less haste, more speed”

The Maggia bring up what to do about The Hood and his Supervillain Mob and the Maggia talk about how they should stay away from “Costumed freaks”

Me: Have

Have they forgotten not one but SIX of the mob bosses in the Maggia are costumed supervillains?

My Girlfriend: Judging from this issue yes they have

Because Dan Slott seems to think the Maggia is run by a bunch of boring look dudes in suits

Me: Seriously what the actual hell

The Maggia has giant robots and one of their bosses is a dude in a cape and monocle who had a fistfight with the Avengers…

My Girlfriend: Maybe in the Marvel universe that’s considered down to earth

But no sooner do they bring up hating costumed people than Spider Man swings in the window!

Me: OH THE IRONY

My Girlfriend: THE EXTREMELY CONTRIVED IRONY

Me: “This man has literally won battles against octopus cyborgs, killer robots, superhuman rhino men and demons from hell

But I’m sure that we

Some extremely unhealthy elderly men with normal guns shall be the ones who take him down”

My Girlfriend: You people don’t even have NAMES

Just lay down on the ground and pretend to be unconscious

Its how things are pretty much going to end anyway

The gang fire away at Spider Man as she he tries to warn them of danger but…

My Girlfriend: “Do you smell that?

And also do you see the Ominous Bright Red Death Cloud that’s right there?”

Me: “QUIET AND CONTINUE WASTING BULLETS FIRING AT A MAN WITH A DANGER SENSE”

My Girlfriend: “Okay but does anyone but me feel like their lungs are melting”

Me: “I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD BE SHOOTING AT SPIDERED MEN LIKE I TOLD YOU TO”

And so the poison fills the room and we get…THIS

Me: REALLY PETER

REALLY?

THAT’S YOUR REACTION TO THIS

My Girlfriend: I know they are terrible people but still holy fuck

Me: An entire room full of corpses all dying in the Most Horrifying Way Possible and Peter is like “God I wish I’d gotten some photos of this I’d make a fortune”

My Girlfriend: I don’t think the Daily Bugle would run these pictures

Me: Its not in the market for snuff films Peter

Me: OH NO PETER IS ABOUT TO KILL THE READER

My Girlfriend: He’s had enough of us all making fun of One More Day and his Deal With the Devil

Me: “YOU WENT TOO FAR LINKARA

YOU KEPT PUSHING AND PUSHING

AND NOW I PUSH BACK”

My Girlfriend: “THIS TIME ITS ATOP THE FOURTH WALL THAT WILL BURN”

Our story opens with a room full of dead bodies and Peter having an “OH THE HUMANITY” moment

Me: Oh good that’s just what Peter needed

More survivors guilt

My Girlfriend: At least you didn’t directly cause these deaths Peter

Unlike with Gwen Stacy

Me: TOO SOON BABE

Peter wonders why he and the waiters are all totally healthy and notices one Maggia dude swearing a Blood Feud against the person who did this

Me: “I will avenge these murders with Even More Murders thus continuing the Murder Cycle”

My Girlfriend: “Murder Cycle” sounds like an extremely violent motorcycle sport

Me: Or the name of a 90’s antihero with a bad attitude who doesn’t play by the rules

Me: A few things here

One…”Show some respect”?

Dude

You were all literally just bragging about the fact your drug dealing sex traffickers

Spidey is already showing you more respect than you deserve by not knocking your rotten teeth down your throat

Two: “They took you in”?

What do the mafia run an orphanage or something?

My Girlfriend: Bloodthirsty crimelords are famous for being totally concerned with the plight of orphan children

Me: “We took him in because as a child, his parents were brutally murdered

By us”

My Girlfriend: I do love how Peter has no conception of “Too soon” or tact here

Me: “Hey I know your grieving your murdered family and all but I’m going to pedantically point out your not a blood relation”

Peter works out that the poison is DNA specific so the threat is probably over…except it turns out that the kids and spouses are elsewhere in the city and will also be at risk!

Me: The writers weren’t sure that the guy named Mr Negative who calls his henchmen the Inner Demons was clearly evil enough

So they decided to have him try to murder a bunch of kids

My Girlfriend: Shades of grey are not allowed here

Me: I mean, his character design is LITERALLY black and white

As Spidey swings off who should be passing by but…

Me: Lily is totally chill that both her closest friends are just a Big Bag of Red Flags

My Girlfriend: “Hmmmmmmmm

My boyfriend is muttering to himself and making a Sinister Expression

My BFF only gets excited around corpses who have been murdered in bizarre ways

I wonder if that should be a cause for concern”

Me: We get more “Carlie Cooper is Not Like Other Girls” here again too

She has no time for things like shopping or dating when there are mummified corpses to stare at!

My Girlfriend: Carlie Dementia Darkness Raven Way is not like those Fucking Preps

Me: I also wanna add, if Harry is sent into a spiral of anger at the mere sight of Spider Man

He maybe shouldn’t have moved to the one city on earth where Spider Man is seen swinging all over the place on a daily basis

And appears on the front cover of its most widely read newspaper all the time

My Girlfriend: We do not mean to mock your triggers here Harry but you really could have done a better job at avoiding them

Me: There are literally all the real countries plus like seven or eight made up ones you could live in

Or just live in a DIFFERENT city in America

Your ridiculously wealthy you don’t have to stay in the one place the guy you hate lives

One of the cops basically tells Carlie to GTFO out as she peeks around

Me: “We have no time for your Maverick Ways, Cooper!”

My Girlfriend: “WE DO THINGS BY THE BOOK HERE”

Me: “YOUR OFF THIS CASE TURN IN UR BADGE AND GUN”

And as she sulks off, one of the other cops brings up how Carlie’s dad was Some Guy who was apparently Such An Amazing Cop

Me: Spoiler alert

He was a corrupt prick taking bribes from murdering gang bosses

Who faked his death

My Girlfriend: By the NYPD’s standards, that’s still better than most of them

Me: “He never once shot a teenager in the back or anything!”

Over with the Spider Mugger he visits his fence again to get that wallet of Peter’s back and the fence immediately works out that something is up

Me: “Oh no, my brilliant criminal plan is ruined!”

My Girlfriend: He understandably did not count on this steroid case he’s talking to being able to string two thoughts together

And when the Spider Mugger tries to Spider Mug his fence with his stolen webshooter the dude instead just pulls a Scorpion (From Mortal Kombat, not the one Spider Man fights) and with a cry of “GET OVER HERE!” yanks the guy into his clutches by his own webbing which he starts strangling him with

Me: And so the Spider Mugger becomes the Spider Mug-ee

My Girlfriend: CIRCLE OF LIFE

Me: You know what they say

You live by the Spider Mugging

You die by the Spider Mugging

My Girlfriend: WHO SAYS THAT

Over with Peter he’s hit a snag…he’s running out of web fluid!

So

Me: I know I’ve said how I really hate how Dan Slott writes Peter most of the time but the fact that Peter’s plan B is just to run around trying to hail a cab in FULL COSTUME is actually adorable

My Girlfriend: In New York its probably not that unusual a sight

Me: Both in the Marvel universe and in real life

My Girlfriend: But oh no

The Maggia families um…families…are imperilled by their strict adherence to Polite Circus Show Ettiquette!

Me: Let this be a warning

Ignore those “Please turn off your phones” signs

Because if you don’t, your loved ones won’t be able to warn you when a supervillain is going to kill you with Magic Poison

My Girlfriend: THE MORE YOU KNOW

Peter is still not having a great time hailing a cab so…

My Girlfriend: Even Spider Man is petrified by New York rush hour traffic

Me: SOCIAL COMMENTARY

My Girlfriend: This taxi driver is pretty brave

If a masked super being jumped on the hood of my car my reaction would not be to try and pick a fight with them

Me: Honestly even if a regular person in a mask jumped on our car I would not stick my head out the window and yell at them

We check in with Jolly Jonah Jameson and his wife Marla who….

Me: Marla Jameson seems to be Reverse Benjamin Buttoning her way through this story

She’s meant to be in her early thirties at MOST and yet she appears to be aging so rapidly its like she drank from the Fake Holy Grail

My Girlfriend: Now Samantha you can’t expect paid artists to actually check what the characters they are drawing are supposed to look like

Me: Your right that was very unreasonable of me

Jameson wakes up from his Heart Attack Coma and the first thing he asks is if the Bugle is okay because of course it is

Me: “I certainly hope no one sold it while I was unconscious”

My Girlfriend: “But no, who would do such a thing”

And over at the Bugle they have a visitor!

Who is it?

It’s…

Me: OH GOOD ITS THIS ASSHOLE

We can expect

A LOT of this douchebag in future arcs of this series

And he is just

THE WORST

Like

The actual

Factual

Worst

My Girlfriend: I guessed that from the fact he willingly spends time with Perez Hilton

Me: Its one of the rare times Perez Hilton could boast he wasn’t the worst person in a room

The only other time being when he was in the Big Brother house with Katie “I went to South Africa to spread vile bigoted racist hatred and all I got was this lousy Ketamine Overdose”  Hopkins

My Girlfriend: So why was this guy important?

Me: For a while they kind of hinted he might be a new goblin villain who was flying around called Menace

The ACTUAL solution to that mystery was a Complete Mess for another day

But after it was solved he just kind of…vanished for a bit

Then Electro dropped a building on him

My Girlfriend: A well thought out arc

Dexter the Douchebag immediately starts acting like a prick and Joe Robertson demands to know WTF he thinks he’s doing here

And this happens

Me: Robbie Robertson has the patience of a saint

The amount of ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT he puts up with

My Girlfriend: I will say if they wanted us to hate Dexter Bennett

Him talking to the first black man he sees like he was basically his butler

Was a good way to do it

Me: Dan Slott is pretty good at creating characters who are utterly loathsome

The real problem with his writing is that it’s not always on purpose

Over with Spidey he’s arrived at the circus and the cab driver wishes him luck and tells him he really should get registered

Peter responds by using the G-slur in a very poorly thought out “Joke”

Me: Case in point

This “Joke” was probably intended to be “charming”

Instead all I’m thinking is “May Parker raised Peter better than that Dan Slott”

My Girlfriend: How did the editor not catch that?

But as Peter swings in to evacuate the tent…

Me: “Go

Go and give them what they want

Go and ask them

A PERSONAL QUESTION”

My Girlfriend: Okay

I am officially declaring a ban on you referencing that “Can I ask you a personal question” running joke for the rest of this riff

Me: I HAD MY FUN

Mr Negative has his minions pretend to be performers who are Mock Fighting Spider Man to convince the people in the tent that this is all just an act so they don’t leave…

My Girlfriend: That is actually PRETTY CLEVER

Me: Right?

As villainous plans go its at least a 5/10

My Girlfriend: He’s realised that all his minions are literally dressed like Kabuki actors and is taking advantage of that

Me: “Convince these fools that all of this is just some LARP-ing”

The Inner Demons quickly start kicking Spidey’s ass and he is not faring well here…

Me: You might think those laser swords of theirs are heavy

But they are not

They are very light sabers

My Girlfriend: …………………………..

GET OUT

Peter tries desperately first to convince the crowd that this is not All Part of the Act and then to just get them to leave anyway…but no dice

“Why do I have to be so darn entertaining?”

Me: “If only I was Hal Jordan or Teenage Cable…they would have left immediately!”

My Girlfriend: I hope Dan Slott did not pull a muscle

While he was patting his own writing on the back like that

And then to make things worse his spider sense alerts him to the fact that…

Me: OH NO

SOMEONE SET UP US THE BOMB

My Girlfriend: You have no chance to survive make your time

Me: WHAT YOU SAY!!!

Me: Now seems like an excellent and sensible time to be making assumptions

My Girlfriend: I see no way it could end at all badly

Me: PETER DON’T KILL THE WHOLE CIRCUS

Fortunately  we’re spared the sight of countless Dead Children because Peter’s plan works and the bomb explodes harmlessly!

Unfortunately everyone immediately acts as if Spider Man was responsible for the bombing and call him a monster

Me: I’m no expert on the criminal mind or anything but I am pretty sure when villains want to blow stuff up they don’t launch the bomb as far away from where it could do any damage as possible while telling everyone to get to safety

My Girlfriend: Well what other explanation is there?

That Spider Man ISN’T responsible for every single bad thing that happens?

As a lifelong Bugle subscriber that sounds like Fake News to me

Spider Man helps some more of the crowd get to safety….

Me: That Evil Spider Man, villainously saving terrified mothers and their children here

My Girlfriend: Is there no depths of sickening depravity he won’t sink to

But he turns to see…

Me: “Let me ask you a Personal Question: do you feel lucky punk?”

My Girlfriend: DAMN IT SAMANTHA

Me: Let me have that one

Peter hands over his blood because really he has no choice and Mr Negative says that if Peter ever crosses him that he’ll use it to kill anyone he’s related to

Me: There’s

A few problems with that plan

My Girlfriend: There is an INFINITE NUMBER OF PROBLEMS WITH THAT PLAN

Me: Like

Mr Negative has NO IDEA who Spider Man is. He has no idea what, if any family he has, who they are or where they live

So

Unless he’s planning to somehow COVER THE ENTIRE EARTH with that poison gas there is absolutely no way other than sheer dumb luck that he’d ever be able to threaten any of Peter’s family with it

My Girlfriend: He also goes ahead and assumes Peter HAS any blood relatives

What

About the two conversations he’s had with Spider Man

That lasted about a minute and a half each time

Lead him to deduce this?

Me: Either Mr Negative has some kind of Sherlock Holmes-like level of cold-reading ability or he’s the worlds STUPIDEST criminal mastermind here

With his blood handed over Peter tells Mr Negative to let the child go…and faster than you can say “Very poor choice of words” he’s hurled the kid off the pier

Me: Peter has never watched The Dark Knight apparently

My Girlfriend: While Mr Negative has been waiting his whole life to homage this scene

Peter dives after the kiddo and….

Me: Well Peter may be low on friends right now but at least this…haunted ventriloquist doll…likes him….

My Girlfriend: What Is That Face

Me: It’s the face I’m going to see in my nightmares when I try to sleep tonight

My Girlfriend: I feel like she’s staring out at us and inflicting evil

Me: A CURSED IMAGE

Quick lets look at Immunity Dog

So what’s Carlie Cooper doing right now

That’s what we all REALLY want to know, isn’t it?

My Girlfriend: I say this as someone who was a morbid child

Carlie Cooper

Was definitely a morbid child

Me: Whereas now you’re a Spooky Adult

My Girlfriend: After spending some time as a Scary Teenager

Me: She seems genuinely disappointed this is just a Regular Corpse

My Girlfriend: “You mean he just died by drowning?

BOO

That’s not a cool way to murder someone”

But what does Carlie find in the bodies mouth?

A SPIDER TRACER!

Me: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN

My Girlfriend: I wouldn’t be too worried

Its not like people in the Marvel universe have a history of leaping to the wrong conclusion and blaming Spider Man for things on very flimsy evidence

Me: Your right I am sure they will be calm and reasonable and allow him to tell his side of the story like rational people

Over with Peter he’s musing that he’s really got nothing to worry about regarding that poison as he doesn’t actually HAVE any living blood relations he knows of

Me: “The jokes on you Mr Negative!

Nearly every family member I ever knew or loved is ALREADY DEAD!

Hahaha….oh god I just made myself depressed”

My Girlfriend: Now the only person he has to worry about this horrible murder toxin killing is himself

As Peter checks in with Aunt May who promises that she wasn’t worrying about him….

Me: Aunt May not spending every moment of her life worrying about her nephews safety?

…..

Skrull?

Or clone?

My Girlfriend: I think it’s May from the Mirror Universe

And we check in on Mr Negative and get

One hell of a twist!

My Girlfriend: Samantha

I have an important

Personal question for you

Me: :D

Ask away

My Girlfriend: Is Negative’s origin here ANYTHING like the game or is it worse or better or just weird

Because I know absolutely nothing about this guy

Other than that he was a good antagonist in the video game and a hilarious running joke in the live dub of the video game

Me: His origin is…pretty different…it’s all tied in with Silvermane, the Maggia, the weird super drug experiments they were doing that made Cloak and Dagger and a lot of other weird stuff…the PS4 versions origin makes a lot more sense and also works a lot better as a backstory for him…other than that though they’re basically the same…Li is his good, noble and kind side while Mr Negative is what happens when he Uses His Aggressive Instincts and Lets The Hate Flow Through Him

My Girlfriend: DARTH LI

Me: Again I know that the victim is a BAD person but Slott really doesn’t make Peter come off all that well having his reaction to finding the body of the victim of a brutal murder be “Shit I hope this doesn’t make ME look bad”

My Girlfriend: And then has him loot the corpse

Me: “What?

People are already going to think I committed murder

I might as well rob his ass!”

Me: “Sorry pal don’t mean to be a ghoul but I need the XP and the loot that you’ve dropped after someone killed you and you didn’t re-spawn”

My Girlfriend: You making me hear that with my own ears is the worst crime happening here

Me: I AM SO SORRY

My Girlfriend: A triggerhappy and violent NYPD officer?

WHATEVER NEXT

Me: On the downside Peter is now wanted by the police

On the upside since catching Spider Man would involve actual work and a basic level of competence and not just planting evidence there’s probably about zero chance of them being a problem for him

My Girlfriend: Honestly the Big Wheel is more of a threat to Spider Man than the NYPD

Me: THE KANGAROO is more of a threat

And as Peter swings off into the night he thinks about how after ONE DAY back in costume he’s already got all these problems including being suspected of murder and having a new arch foe

Me: Don’t forget your aunt thinks your ripping off homeless shelters Peter

My Girlfriend: She’s passing his picture around at the FEAST centre right now and telling them not to give soup or clothing to this man

Final Thoughts

Me: So that sure was three issues of a comic book that was published

My Girlfriend: You would really think

For the first ever story of a Brand New Day

Me: EYYYYYY

My Girlfriend: in Peter’s life they’d go for something a bit more…dramatic?

Memorable?

Enticing?

Me: Right?

Like I’m not saying they had to use his classic villains right off the bat, I like when writers create new foes

And Mr Negative is actually okay as villains go

My Girlfriend: He’s pretty good

Me: Probably the best addition Dan Slott made to the Spider Books in his entire time writing for them honestly…

But at the same time his plan here is kind of…meh…

My Girlfriend: It’s hard to really care about the stakes here…a bunch of ruthless murderers are being targeted by another ruthless murderer for reasons we’re never given and Peter only gets involved in the plot in the second issue

Me: Seriously Dan Slott, having the hero spend over a whole third of the story completely unconnected from the plot?

Who do you think you are, Eric Saward?

My Girlfriend: NO ONE WILL GET THAT REFERENCE

Me: ;-;

My Girlfriend: The lack of stakes even applies to the subplots…apart from Harry and Lilly and Robbie who don’t have much to do no one in this story really seems very likable or memorable?

Me: Aunt May I just feel sorry for…Martin Li seems nice when he’s not in his evil form but he’s barely in the story except when he’s in Mr Negative mode…Carlie is just…look I don’t want to use the word “Annoying” here but…

My Girlfriend: See I don’t think Carlie is annoying…I think Dan Slott’s writing AROUND her is annoying.

Me: YES

YES EXACTLY

It’s like the Poochie Effect

My Girlfriend: “Any time Carlie Cooper isn’t on panel everyone should be asking “Where’s Carlie?””

Me: If she was just part of Peter’s friend circle she’d be much much less irritating

Speaking of Dan Slott’s writing…he seems to think that turning Peter’s hilariously infamous bad luck at everything up to eleven will make us relate to him more but it does not work for me

AT ALL

My Girlfriend: I kind of want to slap him and tell him to Get His Shit Together

Me: Like

I genuinely do LIKE Peter Parker

I do

But some takes on him really do just make the character UTTERLY INSUFFERABLE for me and Dan Slott’s take is one of them… he doesn’t come across as a kindhearted, wise cracking, sincere and adorkable guy who has comically bad luck…he comes across as a douche nerdbro who peaked in college and who treats his friends and loved ones really poorly…he’s lounging around his perpetually broke and dying aunts house, he laughs at the Bugle going out of business even though he’s got friends there and he personally knows how much it sucks to be without a job…

My Girlfriend: He gives an elderly man a heart attack

Me: And as we’ll see in later arcs, this behaviour of his during this period in the series run is NOT limited to this story…he actually treats his friends WORSE in later story arcs…and it just makes him seem like a selfish dick and also TOTALLY out of character…like…Peter can be self absorbed and obsessed with his own problems sometimes sure but not like THIS

Peter was once being blackmailed by supervillains who’d abducted his aunt and he STILL took time to help one of his students with their homework…Peter is nowhere near perfect but he’s selfless as hell and Slott making him come off so selfish and mean here makes me sad

My Girlfriend: Anything else to add?

Me: No I think that covers it…how about you hon?

My Girlfriend: I want to know if Peter ever returned those shoes

Me: PUT THE SHOES BACK PETER

YOU SHOE THIEF

[racheldrawsthis]

been trying to experiment w 2000s/grungy type illustrations lately

[writing-after-midnight]

If you're taking prompts, can I get some Feysand fluff? or angst either one

I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You

Of course! I love taking prompts and asks, send me one any time! 💖💖

Okay so this is set as an apocalypse au, and I went for the angst. It’s probably going to be relatively long? Hope you enjoy reading, and thank you for sending an ask!!

Btw I also seem to have an obsession with Rhys singing to Feyre? Sorry boiiiiiss

WRITING MASTERLIST

**********

The air chilled Rhys’ bones as he and Feyre trudged through the woods. They had both lost track of time months ago, when all power had cut out, but the shorter days indicated they were nearing winter. The backpack carrying most of their supplies weighed down on his shoulders, while Feyre scouted a few metres ahead, and his legs ached from their constant use. Since the world had gone to shit, they had both been forced to trek through dark forests and abandoned towns to survive. They had been separated from Cassian, Azriel, Mor and Amren days ago when a horde had passed their camp, and they hoped to make it to an old high school they had spotted on their travels to regroup. If they weren’t killed on the way there.

Feyre reached the top of a hill a few metres in front of him, and pointed. Rhys ran the last few steps, to see the school they had been looking for for days. He kissed the top of her head.

“We’re almost there, darling. When we find the others, we could set up a base there for a while.”

“Sounds like a good idea. My legs are going to fall off soon.” Feyre smiled. They stayed there for a moment, looking at the view from the top of the hill. They had both learned to enjoy the peaceful moments in this new life they had been shoved into. But they couldn’t stay there for long, so they kept moving.

He didn’t want to upset Feyre, but he was doubtful that the rest of the group all got out alive. The last glimpse he caught of his friends before the horde descended was Cassian jumping in front of Mor, holding off the first few Dead for her. It hadn’t looked good from where he stood, but the crowd of writhing bodies had forced them apart. If they ever did find each other again, how many of their group would be left?

Rhys didn’t let his fear show as they carried on in the direction of the school. Hopefully, it would be a school that hadn’t been used as a safe place while the disease was still spreading. All the ‘havens’ ended up practically being vending machines for the Dead, and quickly became overrun.

To calm himself, he took Feyre’s hand in his, and started to hum “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You”. It had been the song he had sang to her all around their house before the world turned upside down. When they were waking up, when they made pancakes in the kitchen, when they were snuggled up on the sofa, enjoying each other’s presence. It always made Feyre grin, and her smile each time he sang it was imprinted into his memory. Even now, the corners of her mouth tugged up, and Rhys couldn’t help but smile too.

What felt like hours later, they reached the clearing. In front of them stood the small school. Rhys weighed up their options. The school was out of the way, and was too small to have housed a lot of people for safety, so they stood a fairly good chance of not walking in to a horde straight away. Still, they both grabbed their knives, and cautiously made their way out of the clearing.

Rhys lead them to a back door he had spotted. It must be an entrance to the kitchens, meaning they could hopefully stock up while they were here. Rhys entered first, silently placing one foot in front of the other, machete raised high. A couple of work tables had been tipped over, and a few cans were strewn across the floor, but as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw stacks of large industrial cans filled with food. It looked like someone had been there before them, but had left the food behind.

“Feyre,” Rhys whispered, “I think we just hit the jackpot!”

Feyre padded in and saw the cans, and her jaw dropped open. They hadn’t found proper food like this for months.Her eyes lit up.

They couldn’t help but practically run towards the food, their growling stomachs goading them to be quicker. But this momentary loss of control stopped them from seeing a long piece of wire connected to a door on their right side. Feyre caught her leg on the wire and was sent careening into the cans.

“What the –” Feyre started, but then looked up to see the door that had been connected to the wire crash open, revealing hundreds of the Dead, processing the loud noise. They turned and started to shuffle through the door.

A trap. It had been an elaborate trap, set by the last person who stayed here. Rhys didn’t know why someone would do such a thing, but he didn’t have time to contemplate before the horde started to close in. He dashed towards Feyre, hauling her up from the floor.

“Go for their heads!” Rhys roared as they circled them both.  He wished he had time to get the handgun out of his backpack. Would they get out of this alive?

Rhys didn’t stop swinging, and neither did Feyre. But when one of the Dead fell, another one took its place. More and more poured out of the door way, overwhelming them. They needed to cut a path through and get to the exit on the other side of the room.

Before he could put his plan into action, however, he saw one of the Dead break off and lurch toward an unsuspecting Feyre. No!

Rhys turned and swung his machete into the side of the Dead’s head, but didn’t realise another took its place and lunged towards him.

A sharp pain flashed through his forearm, before Rhys used his other arm to elbow the Dead off his arm and grabbed Feyre. They needed to get out. Now.

The next minute was a blur. The movement swirling around them almost putting in a trance. Swing, thud. Swing thud. The Dead were groaning all around them, the noise almost deafening. But they made it closer and closer to freedom with each sickening crunch. They shoved the last of the horde away from them and dashed for sunlight. Rhys tugged on Feyre’s hand, insisting that they keep running until they were lost in the trees.

Finally, they both collapsed on the ground, exhausted. Feyre panted, sucking in the cool air beside Rhys.

“I’m sorry I set that trap off; I should have checked.” Feyre wheezed.

“It’s alright. If you hadn’t, I would have anyway.”

An almost hysterical laugh bubbled out of her. “We survived, though! When we find the others, we’ll have to tell them.”

The laugh warmed Rhys’ heart slightly, but it didn’t outweigh the crushing weight forming over his heart. He managed to smile at Feyre, before he told her they needed to find some water and walked off.

He didn’t dare to even acknowledge his arm until he was out of sight from Feyre. Please let it be a scratch. Rhys prayed, but he knew deep down that it wouldn’t be. The Dead’s teeth had been too close to his arm.

Rhys peeled back the sleeve of his coat and stared for a moment. Blood oozed out of the punctures in his arm. Teeth punctures. Mother above. He sank to his knees, and a tear slid down his cheek. How would he be able to keep Feyre safe when he was going to die?

**********

Rhys returned to find Feyre sitting against a tree, sorting the supplies in her backpack. He plastered a smile on his face and wrapped her in a hug. He must have sat in the woods for the better part of an hour before he steeled himself to go back to Feyre. He couldn’t tell her. She would only get upset and insist they go to find a derelict hospital to find medication that worked. Nothing worked against the infection once you were bitten.

She pulled away, but Rhys held on for a moment longer, trying to ingrain the contours of her body into his mind. If he was going to die, he would remember every little thing about Feyre.

“I didn’t find any water, but I have a bit left in my bottle if you need it.” Rhys offered.

“Thank you. We should rest now, it’s almost dark. Maybe the others will still be around the woods tomorrow?”

“Good idea. There’s a tree with some branches we could sleep on down the hill. It’ll keep us off the ground.” As if Rhys needed to be careful any more. It didn’t matter to him; he only cared about Feyre now. He needed to find somewhere safe for her to live, but where was safe anymore?

They climbed up the tree’s limbs towards the ones that intersected. Rhys’ arm screamed in agony each time he pulled himself up on it, but he refused to make a sound about it.

Feyre nestled herself into Rhys’ lap, murmured a “good night” and placed a kiss on his cheek. She fell asleep in his arms immediately, but Rhys stayed up most of the night, partly from the pain in his arm, partly because he was so afraid he might go in his sleep and harm Feyre. He stared at her blonde waves, and the spattering of freckles on her cheeks. Why did the Cauldron have to be so cruel? He loved her so much, and soon, he wouldn’t be able to see her anymore. He whispered the lyrics to their song.

“Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.” His voice cracked on the last line.

They were meant to be, so why had their time been cut so short? He wanted to grow old with her. He wanted to make her grin everyday with his singing. He wanted make sure she didn’t have to worry about surviving the hell they had been plunged into. But when he went, what would happen to her? She would be on her own if they didn’t find Cass, Mor, Az and Amren. The thought made his stomach churn.

Rhys looked up to the the stars shining in the pitch black sky through the few leaves left on the tree. It almost looked like they were twinkling for just him, waiting for him to say something. On their first date, Feyre and Rhys had looked up to the sky together and each made a wish. They had felt such a strong connection in those moments, that Rhys always looked up to the stars now and remembered that night.

“Someone, anyone… Please looked after her when I’m gone. She doesn’t deserve to be by herself.” Rhys sobbed quietly, trying his best not to wake Feyre. More tears ran down his face, and his face crumpled. “I would do anything.”

The stars only twinkled in return.

**********

The punctures in Rhys’ arm seemed to sap all the energy from him with each passing hour. Even in the freezing air, Feyre remarked how warm he felt when she woke up. He checked his arm in the morning light after not getting much sleep. It still seeped blood, and the flesh around the wound had gone from red to purple. He managed to swallow a few bites of a granola bar before giving it to Feyre, insisting he wasn’t hungry. He would only be able to keep up his facade for so long.

Feyre had pulled back to his pace for a while, the crunch of leaves under their boots the only sound in the silence of the woods. The quietness became unbearable, so Feyre started to sing their song quietly, waiting for him to join in. He could barely process his feet plodding on, one after the other, but for Feyre, he would sing.

“Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can’t help falling in love with you.”

His heart cracked at those words, but he stumbled on, showing no pain to Feyre.

**********

The second night wore on, but Rhys hadn’t had one minute of decent sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, visions of clouded eyes, ripped skin and cracked teeth flashed by. That could be his end, if he didn’t finish it before the infection changed him into a creature like that. He had seen the effects of the infection on everyone around him. He would become paralysed for the last few hours of his life.

Once again, he wept under the stars, sending as many prayers he could to the Mother. Feyre never woke; she just lay there, nestled in his arms. Would she be able to understand? He needed to stay as long as he could to help Feyre. Rhys just hoped he could hang on.

He fell into a restless doze, still humming their song.

**********

The day seemed to pass in a haze. Rhys couldn’t shake the fuzzy feeling in his head, and his legs felt leaden. The bite mark pulsed with heat and pain, and it took almost all of his energy He clung onto his backpack for dear life, hoping it would give him some semblance of stability.

He was pretty sure Feyre was starting to become suspicious. She kept at his steadily slowing pace, looking at him with concern. He couldn’t even bear to look at her. Couldn’t bear to let her see the sorrow or the growing terror in his eyes.

The daylight was beginning to fade, when Feyre stopped.

“I think we should rest.” She said, eyeing Rhys’ slouched posture. He almost sighed in relief, but he cursed himself when he remembered they had still not found anywhere safe yet for Feyre. He felt dizzy, and pressure had been building in his head for most of the day. She decided to set up a small camp, while she allocated him to get the firewood. He made it all of two steps before his vision went black around the edges and his knees felt like jelly. He fell to the ground, and didn’t have the energy to move. He knew it. This was the end.

“RHYS!” Feyre cried as she rushed towards him, dropping down next to him. Tears streamed down his face, but his throat felt dry as he whispered “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”.

“What’s wrong, Rhys?!”

He couldn’t sit up or move his limbs, so he dropped his gaze towards his arm. Towards the terrifying truth they would now both have to face. Feyre reached over and gently pulled back the sleeve of his jacket. This time, he couldn’t stop the groan that rattled out of his mouth. Feyre winced at the pain she caused him.

But then she saw the bite marks on his blackened skin, rotting his arm away, and she gagged.

“Mother above! Rhys… why didn’t you tell me? Cauldron damn it!” Her voice was getting higher and higher in her hysteria. Her voice cracked as her eyes brimmed with tears.

“I wanted you safe.” Rhys replied. Numbness was spreading up his legs, and when he tried to move them, they wouldn’t budge.

“We could have found you help!”

“There’s no cure Feyre, you know that.” He rasped. It killed him to say it, but he carried on. “My gun is in my backpack.”

“No, I can’t, Rhys. You can’t make me do that!” Feyre caught on to the implication. She was sobbing now, face crunched in panic and horror.

“Please Feyre, you have to. I don’t want to turn out like one of… them. Please.”

Feyre took a few calming breaths and pushed herself up, shaking, and went over to retrieve the discarded backpack. Rhys lay still on the floor, the numb feeling snaking its way up his legs. She pulled the gun out, and dropped it on the ground between them.

He had so many things to say to her. He wanted to tell her about the way she had always made him smile after a rough day at work. The quiet evenings that they spent together, that repaired his weary soul. How he would never stop loving her, even when he passed on, to whatever came next. He couldn’t put all of his feelings into words in time, so he hoped that his eyes conveyed all of his emotion as he started to sing.

“But I can’t help falling in love with you.”

Feyre finished the last lines of the song for him, and burst into tears. She placed a long kiss on his forehead, and he savoured one of the last touches he would receive from his love. It was dark now, and Rhys could see the stars twinkling back at him. He sent up one last silent wish, and hoped that the stars were listening. Please protect her.

Feyre picked up the gun, hands shaking almost uncontrollably. It took all of Rhys’ strength and willpower to lift his arm and place his hand over hers. He gently tugged her hand to the side of his head, and lined the barrel of the gun to his temple. He had to stay calm, for her.

“I love you Feyre, and we will find each other in the next life, I promise. I will never stop loving you.”

“I love you too, Rhys. Too much to even comprehend.” Feyre sobbed. Her hand was still shaking, but she almost looked more determined. She wanted to carry out his final wish, even if it killed her.

He looked up at the stars for the last time, then focused his eyes on Feyre’s. He wanted them to be the last thing he saw.

“Good night, Feyre darling.” He whispered.

“Good night, Rhys.”

Her face crumpled as her hand steadied. He stared into her beautiful eyes as he felt her hand squeeze the trigger underneath his.

Rhys heard a loud bang, before his vision went black and he was swept into oblivion.

**********

Okayyy!! I had fun writing this (I have no idea about how it reads though hahah) and I tried my best! Hope you enjoyed, and thank you to @highladyofthesith​ for sending me the ask!💖💖

[trainwreckweather]

8&24 (hospital+ soulmate AU) stella/scully

Prompt given by the lovely @viceversawrites (thank you! 💙)

******************

It's rare. They say it's like divine revelation. You feel everything, see everything. Taste, hear, know.

So many have chased the feeling to death. Scientists have tried to engineer the euphoria and intelligence in a pill for the richest of the rich.

But it's dangerous. And really, it doesn't compare.

In this day and age, it's a common folk tale. A myth. Taught in history classrooms, in literature too- oh, the sheer romance of it. Professors swoon at uninterested students snapping gum and looking bored.

They don't care about what doesn't concern them.The subject of soulmates is laughable to them.

Oh- oh it's real they say.

It's real, sure. No one will dispute that. It's happened before. Ordinary humans changed within an instant. No one knows why, or how. They don't know how a highschool dropout can communicate in every language known to man- dead and lost included, mere minutes after handing over a fast food receipt.

They're stronger, smarter, and more perceptive once they've met their soulmate. More compassionate too, it seems.

But the catch is, you have to touch the hand of your soulmate to see it all. To know.

Statistics are not in anyone's favor. You can say 'small world!’ all you want, but the population is up there, nearly 8 billion now. Take the seas into consideration, the miles separating city from rural lands, and the restless spirit of humans- it's harder than hitting the jackpot.

No one has time to go and touch the hand of every person they come across, though it's not uncommon to see small children, whimsical and hopeful glide along, giggling as they brush the hands of everyone they pass.

A children's schoolground game. There are nursery rhymes about it too, but Dana doesn't have her head in the clouds, doesn't pay any mind.

She isn't like the children and preteen girls singing and daydreaming of enlightenment and the truest, purest form of love.

She's a realist. She gets up, grooms, shoves half a bagel in her mouth, maybe burns herself with coffee on her commute to work.

People love, people marry, and she thinks she gets along just fine with the knowledge her brain holds now. She isn't interested in soulmates. It never even crosses her mind.

She thinks in numbers, hard facts, statistics. Diseases and treatments and dosages. Possible cures. The closest she's gotten to letting loose is whooping with the kids in her ward who've just gotten the best news of their lives yet. They can go home.

That's where she usually is, that's where she does her best work- The pediatric ward. She shakes all of her patients hands and (thankfully) not once did she feel any different than before.

Today is a changeup.  The ER is short staffed and her ward is quiet.

Dana reviews vitals, orders tests, transfers and medications to be administered. It's busier than she's used to but she adjusts to the fast paced rhythm like she does most things. She finds her groove and excels. Like a machine.

People feel bad for her. She doesn't date, she's buried in her work, too invested. She takes it home with her and reviews files, over and over. Tests theories, work things out in her head, this way and that. What is the best course of action for little Brian? If I proceed with this- he could have permanent nerve damage, if I risk it he may die.

Her nights are much like her days, blended and ordered and perfect. She's happy. She thinks she's happy at least. Who cares about what others see? Who cares about the ultimate human form? Who cares about love? She has everything she could ever want or need.

“Dr. Scully, ambulance is here in two. Car crash, 33 yr. old caucasian female, possible head injury.”

A nurse; his tag says Tommi. She thanks him.

Stella Gibson isn't happy about being here. Before she even pulls back the curtain, she can hear the complaints, a strained british lilt reaching her ears.

“It's barely a scratch! I'm fine. The ambulance was unnecessar-”

She enters and interrupts before things can escalate.

“Ms. Gibson! External injuries can oftentimes present in a manner that doesn't show us what's going on inside. I agree that you're probably alright. But I want to order an MRI and have you stay overnight for observation. Just to be on the safe side.”

“Stella,” she corrects with a steely gaze that leaves no room for argument. Dana nods once.

“Stella. Is that alright with you?”

Stella answers in the affirmative, but doesn't look to happy over her predicament.

She is fair haired, fair skinned and freckled, and has piercing baby blues. She's in need of stitches just above her left brow. Regardless, she's a strikingly beautiful woman, and something instinctual tells her to stay on Stella Gibson's good side.

And something primal, something she isn't used to, tells her to protect this woman at all costs.

She holds out her hand to this woman sitting upright and stiff on the hospital gurney. It's her standard practice. Doesn't think once about it, let alone twice.

Stella begins to say something in an almost sheepish tone, something about how she isn't used to driving in the U.S. - but it's cut off abruptly as soon as they make contact.

The textbooks- they don't prepare you for this. Dana is hit with a force so hard she nearly collapses- stumbles and gasps at the sensation. It's as if all of the earth's energy has funneled itself into this triage.

She feels it. Each and every atom. She can feel them feed off of each other, but it doesn't hurt. Why doesn't it hurt?

It's intense, so much so that she fears her bones will splinter, and that she'll fly apart, simply cease to exist as she was.

Dana doesn't realize what's happening, she can't make the connection. She can only feel. And see.

She sees a young towheaded toddler with unruly curls and crimson rain boots. Someone, her father, lifts her so she can pat the wet nose of a gelding. She feels the anticipation of the girl- part fear, part excitement. The same feeling is there when she views the girl on her back, no longer a girl and so sure that this is her ticket to womanhood. Only 17, but later she feels the sadness and regret. And the sting.

And the sting. Of the freezing rain pelting as her father's casket is lowered into the bitter dirt. Frozen. Frozen like her heart. Which she tries to melt with the burning of cigarette smoke and liquor and the flowing of warm blood and the heat of a quick fuck. It never quite works. Always something missing. Something to be filled.

Filled with University courses, with self confidence, with a uniform. There. Now there is purpose. Now there is wrong and right and she she stands firm on the right side of the line.

She leaves the country to get away from a Stalker, someone who she met once, fucked once, and that not even the law could get rid of. Like herpes.

She's trying to start over here in San Diego. It's different. It was her hope to permanently thaw the ice with this weather. She's working as a barista. She can barely afford her studio. Her car is wrecked. Still she's happier than she's been in a long while.

Happier now still.

As sudden as it starts, that's how it stops. The rushing in her ears is replaced with faint ringing. Dana is back now. To this room, to this body. She's shaking like a leave.

Adrenaline, her mind supplies.

Stella is wide eyed and opened mouth; their hands are clasped between them. This is when it hits her, what just happened.

“Dr. Scully?! Ms. Gibson?! Are you alright? Here, I have a chair.”  Someone is panicked and confused, but that someone is not her. It will never be her again.

She doesn't sit. She waves the nurse off as best she can. She still won't let go of Stella, can't take her eyes off of her.

That primal urge to protect is now reinforced and emphasized. She wouldn't have believed it before, if someone told her it was possible to fall in love in an instant. But really, how can can you call a lifetime an instant? She was there, she was there to see Stella's victories and her downfalls. She was right there with her, feeling what she felt, seeing all she's been through. It's incredible, the strength one person can possess. It's incredible what one can survive. She's never been so proud. She's never been so in love.

Too overwhelmed, they both start leaking tears, but they're smiling at each other, face splitting, opened mouth smiles. Dana can taste the salt on her tongue.

She laughs at the absurdity of today. If Stella had been more careful, if she was out sick, if the ward had needed her- all these ifs. Eight billion little ifs. She shakes it out of her head.

She knows things now. Not just Stella things. She could (and most likely will), cure cancer if given a quiet room and a day to herself.

But right here, right now, there are pressing matters to deal with. Such as making sure her soulmate (god, her soulmate) has nothing more than a gash and a mild concussion. After that- wow. What does one do after this?

Stella sniffs and squeezes her hand.

“I don't suppose you would mind if I asked you out to dinner...”

[ghoulangerlee]

in tru hitman fashion for jeremwood, how about a mr and mrs smith situation? where they both don't realize that their s/o is a hitman utnil they bump into each other on the field. or receive each other as potential targets... you decide

I...have never actually seen mr and mrs smith tbh. i know the gist i think but i haven’t watched it lmao. 

so uh, here’s this, at some point i wanna visit like, every single prompt you send me and turn it into a huge spiraling universe tbh. so i may come back to this, may end up writing an actual hitman au one day. the possibilities are endless 

===

Vagabond, your current mission is relies on you getting the intel from this party; I’ve gotten you on the guest list, you’ll need to blend in and scope the floor. Your target should be there tonight as well.

He’d been tailing his latest target for two months now, some mogul who’d gotten too big for his britches, too reliant on others to do his dirty work and, like most wealthy and young business minded folk, he’d pissed off the wrong people. 

Which is where he came in. 

Ryan had been a professional hitman for over a decade now, at this point, and, though it could be rewarding at times (he’d always had a thing for justice, but, in a vigilante sort of way), but by far, the worst thing about this whole situation was how much he missed his partner. 

He and Jeremy had only been together officially for eleven months, and Ryan was eager to finish this hit and head on back home, hopefully before their one year anniversary. 

They’d met through a mutual friend and gone on a date or two before deciding to make things official, and honestly? It’s been the happiest nearly year of Ryan’s life; despite the fact they both tend to work a lot (Jeremy doesn’t have the typical job, and honestly Ryan’s not sure he understands it much besides the fact Jeremy is some sort of gymnast prodigy that’s invited to speak at various seminars and demonstrations sometimes), but they make it work, both agreeing to never skip out on anniversaries or holidays or birthdays. 

Not that Ryan would ever take a hit on any of those things, because while the money’s good, he’s getting older and the need to settle down is deep in his bones and luckily, he’d been stockpiling enough from the jobs he’s taken over the years to retire semi-early and comfortably--though he hasn’t told Jeremy that quite yet. 

(Which, Jeremy thinking he works as some sort of consultant for the police, it wouldn’t make sense to retire and then admit he has enough money saved to keep them comfortable for a long time--so he’s still working on that story.) 

-

Slipping in through the front door is easy enough, the silver half-mask he’s wearing (because of course it’s some pretentious masquerade) makes it easy for him to blend in--he’s got a gun planted close to where his target’s supposed to be and his throwing knives tucked away in the inner pocket of his neat suit jacket. 

He’s hoping this’ll be simple enough, get in and end the guy and then leave, call his employer and have the money wired to several different accounts--and then he’ll be home to Jeremy by the time their anniversary comes. 

(Of course, that’s when things go to shit.) 

-

He finds his target on the second floor in one of the offices, standing by a floor to ceiling window; his posture is casual, the lights dimmed, and Ryan feels a chill run down his spine. 

“I know you’re here to kill me.” 

Ryan startles, doesn’t expect that even as he slips into the room, closing the door behind him. 

“You’re going to have to try harder than this,” He taunts, turning around as the lights come on, several other men in the room, all with guns trained on Ryan. “My men never miss.” 

Without a gun, without a way to fire back, Ryan’s essentially screwed, so, he does what he knows, bows his head and raises his hands in an i surrender motion just as his target laughs. 

“Oh how good, I’ve finally stopped the infamous hitman,” he taunts again, growing cockier by the minute. “People are offering a lot of money for your head,” he grins. “And I’ve just won the jackpot.” 

There’s movement out of the corner of his eye, one of the side doors is cracked open and the tell tell sound of a grenade rolling across the floor catches his attention--he doesn’t think, just dives back towards the door he’d come in as the explosion goes off. 

-

He comes to nearly an hour later, laying in a pile of debris, though his head is resting on something soft, something that smells familiar. 

“Fancy seeing you here.” 

His eyes shoot open and through the pain at the sudden light assaulting him, he sees Jeremy, crouched over him, wearing a suit. 

Words leave him momentarily, and he manages to stutter out Jeremy’s name--which has the other man smiling and laughing, “Hey Rye,” he murmurs fondly, cupping his cheek, “Out of all the things I expected you to do as a job, I honestly didn’t think it was this.” 

“Jeremy,” Ryan mumbles, leaning into the touch, because it’s been two long months, “How...did you get here?” he asks, still a little disorientated from the explosion. “Didn’t you have a conference to speak at?” 

Jeremy laughs quietly, “Babe, Ryan, we’ve both been telling lies about what we do,” he says teasingly. “I’m here because I have a target to take out...and I assume you did too. Possibly the same target I took out.” 

It takes a minute for the words to sink in, “You’re not mad?” 

“Nah,” Jeremy says, thumb rubbing slow circles over Ryan’s cheek, “I understand why you didn’t tell me, just like you understand why I didn’t tell you.” 

Ryan hums softly, mind going a little blank and fuzzy at being so close to Jeremy again, “I missed you.”  

Jeremy smiles softly, “Missed you too, Rye,” he whispers. “We should definitely get out of here, I’m pretty sure someone’ll be coming here soon to check on the noise.” 

-

They make their way to a helicopter on the roof and Jeremy helps him into it before getting in and piloting them away from the party. They don’t speak much, Ryan’s mind still racing after the explosion and finding out his partner is also a hitman and Jeremy too focused on making sure they don’t end up crashing. 

When Jeremy drops him off at the meeting place (”I’ve got to head to my own, you know?”), he smiles at Ryan, letting Ryan cup his face and pull him into a sweet kiss. “I’ll see you at home, dear,” Ryan whispers against his mouth before pulling away. 

When Ryan’s out of the way, Jeremy takes off and Ryan watches until he disappears far off, before heading to the single payphone attached to an old decrepit store, eager to complete his mission and get back home to Jeremy. 

[zevuux]

Bones from jackpot crash course idk hes pretty

I really love him jcmckckckcocmc

[dherzogblog]

songs/17

Hey everyone. Welcome back. In a break with tradition I expanded this year’s playlist well beyond the 80 minute limit of a CD.  in addition, and let’s be honest here, I did have some extra time on my hands to listen to music in 2017. So for your listening (and reading ) pleasure I present 1 hour and 50 minutes of the good stuff from the past year. I know, I know, it’s a lot. So is this blog for anyone who actually tries to read it. I’ll promise to try and get it back under control next year, but in the meantime…. enjoy! PS- Click on the bold type below for the music, extras and surprises.

Ride with Me- The Mavericks My theme song for 2017. This year was all about travel and figuring out what I was going to when I grow up. I checked ALL the boxes on the travel end, while the latter remains a work in progress. As the year began and I found myself “unencumbered”, I literally told Noreen to keep her bags packed. A few weeks later the always dependable Mavericks echoed my thoughts with this tune singing: “I gotta go… a whole world to see. So pack your bags up baby, Come along and ride with me “. And ride we did. From Havana to The Grand Canyon, Tokyo to Tel Aviv,  Motown to Muscle Shoals and many places in between, It was trains, planes, and automobile’s across thousands of miles with Noreen and as well as some good friends. It was nothing but good times, and I was so grateful for the opportunity.

No Particular Place To Go- Chuck Berry In 1973 a concert film entitled “Let The Good Times Roll” was released. It was a document of the then popular Richard Nader Rock & Roll revival shows that filled Madison Square Garden regularly. The film featured performances by Bo Diddley, Little Richard, Fats Domino, The Shirelles, and Chuck Berry. It was an era of great popularity for the vintage rock sounds of the 50′s. American Graffiti, Happy Days, Sha Na Na, and even The Beach Boys had helped usher in a “oldies” music revival. It was “retro” and” throwback” before  anyone coined those terms. And it proved that music that was once considered disposable as well as the exclusive domain of pimply teenagers had true enduring appeal. At the time Chuck Berry was riding the wave of his somewhat regrettable “My Ding A Long” novelty single. That song, as well as the 50’s/60’s revival in general is probably what got my 12 year old self into the theater. It was incredible to watch Little Richard climb all over the stage in a frenzy, his androgynous image predating Bowie, and his frenzied stage antics providing a blue print for Prince. Then there was Bo Diddley all in black, strutting the stage with his signature guitar chugging like a freight train, and Chuck Berry duck walking the crowd into a frenzy, it all had me mesmerized. Upon seeing the film, I was so blown away I went back to see it a second time just days later. It was the only way to see it again back then. The acts were all well past their prime and were considered mere “oldies” acts at the time. Berry was not yet 50. (He wouldn’t have been old enough to play Desert Trip) For me, it was a crash course in rock history helping me understand and process almost everything I heard after.

Champagne Corolla- Justin Townes Earle More Songs About Cars And Girls. JTE covers a lot of ground on this outing. He’s 8 albums into his career, and stepping out of the long shadow of his father. 

How to Boil An Egg- Courtney Barnett One off single from Australian singer songwriter making her return to the list. More messy, jangly musings on Millenial angst. She returned later in the year with a full length album with in partnership with Kurt Vile.

On The Rock- Bash & Pop Speaking of jangly and messy, Replacement Tommy Stinson delivers one of my favorite songs of the year. Good fun.

Bad Art and Weirdo Ideas (Quiet Slang)- Beach Slang The original version of this song appeared on the songs/15 list. James Alex the band’s leader starting touring under the moniker Quiet Slang last year. This EP contains some remakes as well as covers recorded in a “Quiet Slang” setting that includes strings. I loved this song the first time around, and even more so now.

Slow Me Down- Jess Ware  This year’s model. Yet another of the UK’s seemingly endless supply of soulful female vocalists. I love a good torch ballad.

Brand New Me- Aretha Franklin and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra I’m normally suspect of these types of projects. Too gimmicky. Messing with these seminal records borders on sacrilege, But it being Lady Soul, along with some of my very favorite songs I gave a listen. Pairing classic Aretha vocals with brand new backing from London’s Royal Philharmonic Orchestra  these reboots seem to reach for something else. Imagine them as part of an Aretha Franklin Broadway jukebox musical or the lush soundtrack to an Aretha biopic.  And while this particular cut doesn’t have the low key swing of the original, it does have it’s own big, brassy charm. Cinematic orchestration aside, these Aretha vocals remain stone cold classics in any settings. 

At The Breaking Point- Zeshan B Remarkable debut from an Indian Muslim soul singer out of Chicago. The album, recorded in Memphis, is a mixture of obscure R&B , and retro feel originals expertly capturing a mid sixties soul vibe. Sung in three different languages , including Punjabi, the disc also features a great rendition of George Perkins Civil rights song “Cryin In The Streets”

Feeling Alive- Earl St. Clair This young man from Alabama delivers a positive and upbeat message in a modern R&B setting. Plus, I am totally down with the sentiment: “My friends say I should live a little, gotta say yes more”. From his gospel influenced singing to the fiddle heard near the end, their are echos of the deep south felt throughout.

Sweet Love- Wizkid Slinky exotic riddims from this Nigerian hip hop artist

Skin and Bone- Phil Cook I don’t know much about this guy. From north Carolina by way of Wisconsin. His previous record (this was a one off single) was mostly performed in an acoustic country blues/gospel vein. This track reminds me of a late era Sly Stone groove meeting conscious hip hop. The message is right on time, so “clap your hands”.

Birds Of A Feather, We Rock Together- Vulfpeck Vulpeck are back with all their funky, eclectic, quirky charm intact. You not be be able to get the title refrain out of your head after hearing it once. 

Brutal- the Expanders “Man say it brutal out deh”. Perfect description for the world at large in 2017. This Southern California unit specializes in rekindling the spirit of 70’s roots reggae, specifically the unique sounds of the eras classic vocal trios. This is a faithful remake of the Itals track from 1981. Original Ital Ronnie Davis died earlier this year. 

Ladies Nite- Bootsy Collins It’s ladies night in America folks. Bootsy always knows what time it is. O.G.Funk style.

My Old School- Steely Dan (Walter Becker) When I got to college in the fall of 1977, Steely Dan’s Aja was just about to hit record shops. It was an immediate smash upon being released. Prior to that release I knew their pop hits, but not the LP’s to a large degree. I really loved Aja. I was a big jazz funk fan and it had a lot of that influence. Later that school year, during the blizzard of 78, I have vivid memories of that record blasting from nearly every dorm room stereo and radio as we were cooped up for days on end. My next door neighbor in the dorm (from Worcester/“"Woostah" Mass) was a true Steely Dan fanatic. He considered Aja a bit of a sell out on their part.  He insisted I listen to the 5 albums in their catalogue that proceeded it. So I did, borrowing from his collection one LP at a time. I liked them all, especially the magnificent Katy Lied. But the song that always stayed with me was My Old School. A funky (and and not a bit bitter) anthem with a blast of horns straight from E Street topped off with an unforgettable sing a long chorus. As of this printing the Becker estate is now suing Fagen. California might fall into the sea just yet, and but no one is gong back to their old school.

Heart Of The City- Los Straitjackets In 17 years I’m not sure I’ve ever included a rock instrumental. Los Straitjackets remain the premier purveyors of that long forgotten genre. On their latest the band tackle’s the great Nick Lowe’s canon. Super rockin fun all the way through.

Jackpot- Nikki Lane Stylish Nashville rebel with a great voice, rolls the dice and comes with a twangy and rocking winner

A Little Pain- Margo Price A slice of country soul heaven from alt country’s it girl.

Living In The City- Hurray For The Riff Raff On her latest outing band leader Alynda Lee Segarra embraces her Bronx bred Hispanic roots moving ever so slightly away from the alt country sound of previous albums. This track splits the difference nicely. 

Here Comes My Girl- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers I vividly remember both the first time I saw Tom Petty perform, as well as the last time. The first was in Madison Square Garden as part of a tremendous line up at one of The No Nukes Shows headlined by Bruce Springsteen. The under card was pretty strong that night. Bonnie Raitt, Peter Tosh, and Gil Scott- Heron. I was a fan of all the acts and had seen them all play live, save Petty. I was not sure what to expect from Petty that night. At that time he had three songs garnering airplay and scratching the Top 40. There was the Byrds like “American Girl”, the AOR ready “Breakdown”, and the taught, urgent energy of  “I Need to Know”. That track had me wondering if The Heartbreakers might just be another skinny tie band. In addition there was the slight confusion because punk rocker Johnny Thunders band was also named The Heartbreakers . So I wasn’t exactly sure what I was about to see. His short dispelled any notions of a the act being new wave flash in the pan. It was clear Petty was more straight ahead rock classicist. The release of Damn The Torpedoes just a few weeks later would confirm that. Petty had arrived and was thrust onto the charts and into the big leagues. I was never a huge fan. I loved the best albums and ignored the others. I never found him a great live performer, but always left his shows happy. The songs were great and the band was top notch. Somehow despite his nuanced low key approach he became an unlikely MTV video star. He made continually great clips and they dominated the channel. Despite that, he never did promotions and contests, was rarely interviewed, and his managers did not work us nearly as much as his superstar peers. He toured regularly and always seemed to have a clip in rotation. He was the every man rock star, not bigger than life, not overly political, just writing great songs, hanging with The Wilbury’s and doing his thing. It felt like he was was always there, but he never was. A huge star, yet somehow in the shadows. Hence I rarely ever came face to face. My one memory is standing on stage at Live Aid next to him, and then Heartbreaker drummer Stan Lynch as they waited like anxious school boys to see the reunited Led Zeppelin. They could not have been more excited, anxiously awaiting the set to begin. The band hit the stage and started too play. It was a disaster, just awful. Half way through the second song Petty threw Lynch a sour look. In a flash they were gone, back to the artist compound. They could not bear to watch. I saw Petty perform for the last time just ten days before he passed. I was in the first row at The Hollywood Bowl. Early on I remarked to my wife “He doesn’t look good” (although truthfully, did he ever?). His energy seemed good, and his demeanor upbeat, but he was pasty and wan. He stumbled crossing the stage a few times, took some quiet puff of a cigarette hidden on the drum riser. And he was doing a weird thing with his mouth/lips/teeth. But honestly my reaction was not unlike running into a friend you haven’t seen in a bit where they did not look their best. Like everyone else, I was shocked when I heard the news. When all is said and done for me, it was the songs. Lyrics clear and concise, monster melodic hooks, classic influences and great production.  Petty had a chip on his shoulder for sure, but it fueled the hope, ambition, and longing in his best songs and allowed him to achieve pop perfection over and over.

Gentle On My Mind- Glen Campbell 1968. I listened to what ever WABC played on the radio. Around that time there were three sappy and saccharine pop hits that always managed to make my cynicism free, nine year old heart ache with melancholy. The country soul of “O.C Smith’s. “Little Green Apples”, the maudlin mush of Bobby Goldsboro’s “Honey”, and the gorgeous,”Gentle on My Mind”. 1968 turned dark quickly with the assassination of Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy, the simmering controversy around the Vietnam War, and a divisive presidential election. The bright sunlight of The Summer Of Love disappeared as quickly, as did this type of 60′s pop (and psychedelia for that matter). Campbell continued to write mainstream and country hits, star in his own prime tine TV series (”Hello, I’m Glen Campbell!”), and later become tabloid fodder with his drama and drug fueled marriage to country bad girl Tanya Tucker. All of this conspiring to obscure the fact that he was a truly a tremendous songwriter and performer. I was moved recently watching the heartbreaking documentary “I’ll Be Me” which chronicles his battle with Alzhiemers on his final tour. Its well worth a watch and adds to the story of this somewhat overlooked legend.

Tupelo- Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit Beautiful ballad from the ex Drive By Trucker. A great album overall as well.

Transformation- Van Morrison If this sounds familiar, that’s probably the point. This track echoes back to Van’s great mid 70′s albums. It’’s smothered in enough tupelo honey, crazy love and  celtic soul to turn on your electric light and send you into the mystic. I’m gonna guess you’re all ok with that.

Midnight Rider- Allman Brothers Band  (Greg Allman) CLICK HERE for my earlier Greg Allman post (REVISED AND UPDATED)

Find Yourself- Lukas Nelson and The Promise of The Real Willie’s son and band fresh off the road deliver a promising set. This southern soul track recalls classic’s like William Bell’s “I Forgot to Be Your Lover”, and Delaney and Bonnie’s version of “Everybody Loves A Winner. That plus the pedigree gets my interest. Willie clearly raised him right.

 What Would I Do- Lizz Wright The elegant and soulful Lizz Wright delivers plenty of grace on her latest set of well chosen covers like this Ray Charles gem.

Have You Heard Anything From The Lord Today- Cody Chestnutt Elusive and genre hopping Cody Chestnutt returns with only his fifth album in over 15 years.  Better known within the industry than out, he always delivers something interesting. This time it’s a little bit of a little bit of faith.

Not Dark Yet- Shelby Lynne& Alison Moorer Two of country’s finest voices, and sisters, finally team up for an entire album. This is one of my very favorite latter day Dylan tunes, and they sing it beautifully. I was haunted by their version the very first time I heard it and have played it quite a bit since. I’ve always interpreted the lyrics to be the final reflections of someone getting ready to meet their maker. As 2017 brought some very tough days, there were times I couldn’t help thinking of it as a reflection of the state of our union and the planet. “It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there” I thought to myself once too often. Here’s to a better 2018. Here’s the whole thing on Spotify: songs/17 The Herzogs wish you and all of yours the very best. Look forward to seeing you in the new year. xo dh Los Angeles, December 2017

[mitjoisperfect]

(Guys I wrote a fic)

The Black of Blood

Jonas and Sidney just wanted to get supplies with as little drama as possible. But that's not how this world works.

Zombie Apocolypse AU.

Read on AO3

It was far too quiet in the parking lot. A single, abandoned pickup truck sat in the middle of cracked concrete. The body was starting to rust, weeds sprouting around its deflated tires and orange dust lay on its windows. It had been months and months since it had last been turned on, left in the middle of the parking lot to become part of the scenery.

In the dusty truck bed, Sidney and Jonas sat, their eyes trained not only on the supermarket in front of them but on each and every alleyway and road around them. The houses around them were spaced out and few in number. The roads were wide and filled with pot holes.

They were in the open and not safe. Not yet at least.

But there were no signs of Crawlers or Runners. No signs of the new freak mutations that had appeared over the last few weeks that they’d yet to name.

The lack of life made both Jonas and Sidney uneasy.

“I think we’re safe for now,” Sid breathed, hazel eyes focused entirely on the still doors of the building before them. At her hip was a pistol – one Dean had given her when it all started – and her hand rested on it, looking to pull it from its holster at any moment.

Jonas, on the other hand, was equipped with a measly baseball bat. Guns and bullets were now treasured items in this new world, so there was no doubt that Dean did not trust Jonas with either of these things.

Sid swung her leg over the side of the truck and jumped down onto the ground, Jonas scrambling down to follow. The hairs on the back of his neck stood to attention. His gut twisted this way and that as they approached the store. He could feel someone, something, staring into his soul. His grip tightened around his bat, just in case.

The electric, sliding doors to the supermarket had been jammed open long ago, no doubt when the first wave of Crawlers came and people started shutting themselves into their own homes, hunkering down to try and escape the worst of it.

It hadn’t helped, of course. Crawlers were strong. They broke through doors within minutes. It had been terrifying.

But there was always stuff left: canned goods and boxed foods that lasted forever and never went stale, sometimes they’d hit the jackpot and find medicines and painkillers hidden in the back.

Nevertheless, this was always their mission. Move from town to town and pillage the leftovers, scavenging like the stray dogs that prowled the streets.

Sid led the way in, broken glass crunching under her feet. She pulled the gun from her holster and held it ready, keen gaze scanning over the aisles before them. Jonas drew his bat up to his shoulder and kept close to his sister.

It seemed, however, after a few minutes of patrolling up and down between the aisles, that the only thing threatening in the store was a pigeon fluttering around above them.

“Are you sure you want to put that away?” Jonas asked as they stopped to start grabbing cans of soup off the shelves. Sid strapped the pistol back onto her hip and raised an eyebrow.

“You scared?” She asked, unzipping her bag.

“Obviously.”

“You’re such a baby. Come here, I’ve got soup for you.”

“What kind?” Jonas pulled the bag from his back.

“Lentil.”

Jonas made a face but unzipped his backpack and held it out for Sidney to start filling it up. Slowly but surely, they filled up the bags, moving away from the soup to fill up on tinned vegetables, two bottles of water and condensed milk – a sweet treat that they stared at, wide-eyed. They’d hide that from Dean and share it with the few children their little group had managed to gather up.

They crept around until they eventually came to the cash registers, placing their bags onto the conveyer belt and zipping up, happy with the outcome of their little treasure hunt.

Jonas was ready to leave and start making their way back to their hideaway and back to safety as soon as possible, yet Sidney seemed to linger. She stared at a set of double doors that no doubt lead to the back of the store, where more food might possibly be waiting for them.

“We should go check,” Sidney said, swinging her backpack over one shoulder and making her way towards the door. “There could be painkillers back there, or powdered milk or more bottled water.”

This was true: more than once they’d come across the motherlode by venturing into the back of the store even when the front was empty.

And yet there was something holding Jonas back today. Even after the success they’d had today, his stomach was still churning and he had goose bumps. It was all very bizarre. There were no problems or setbacks. There was nothing around to prevent them from getting the food like there usually was. It was just too quiet.

Sidney pressed her hand against the door, pausing for the briefest of seconds to take a deep breath, before pushing it open.

The stench of rotting food was overwhelming. There were baskets and boxes of meat and cheeses growing mould and attracting flies. The fruit had turned to mushy green piles and, as they explored deeper into the store, they realised that any signs of surviving food had diminished. There were a few cans left and they snatched them up as quickly as possible.

As they turned to leave again, to make their way through the abandoned shelves, something clattered behind them.

They turned and their hearts jumped up into their throats. Sid immediately grabbed her pistol and Jonas’ hands tightened securely around his baseball bat. Slowly, the sound of footsteps echoed around them, just light beats to begin with.

As quietly as they could, Sid grabbed Jonas and started pulling him to the door, a silent plea on her lips for him to just move.

They reached the end of the shelf to see a single figure limping around the cases of rotten meat. Just the one, head tilted to the side, one arm swinging by her side, clothes torn and stained with black blood. Her grey skin seemed to be peeling away from the rotting muscle around her ankle, the leg of her trousers having been ripped away long ago.

But there was just one.

And it didn’t know they were there.

The gunshot was loud against the dusty air of the store. It was a clean shot, right through the head and the creature was down in an instant. No pain, no screaming, just the splash of blood splattering across the hard floors.

The ground turned black and Sid stepped out from behind the shelf, gun still aimed at the corpse in front of her. She kicked it, waiting for it to move again. It didn’t. Sidney considered it to be a perfect shot.

She was just about to lower her gun when she felt Jonas’ fingers gripping at her elbow. She spun her head towards him, a snarky comment just about to pass her lips when she saw it.

The hoard.

Dozens of Runners, each one of them focused entirely on Jonas and Sidney. Without a second thought, Sidney set off a number of shots. Blood splattered across the floors, but no zombie came down with it.

Sidney had no time to aim again as the hoard came charging and Jonas started dragging her back.

The hunt was on.

Together, they bolted back through to the front of the store, Runners hot on their tail. They could see the exit, just a few aisle over, just a few more hundred yards, and then... Then what? They’d lead them back to the group? Hide out in the abandoned houses until the danger had passed? Zombies were persistent blighters, any sign of food and they would stick around for days afterwards.

Jonas doubted they’d even escape this. His legs were starting to give out and he looked to his right, expecting to see Sidney at his side and keeping up with ease. But she was gone.

He kept going. He couldn’t just pause to look around. Visions of Sidney’s mutilated body danced in his head, her flesh torn from her bones, her skull cracked and oozing blood around her head like a halo. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. He had to keep running!

At the thought of Sidney’s grizzly demise, lights started to glow around his body, thick ribbons of emerald green floated around his waist and limbs. He steeled himself and a blast shot out behind him.

The crashes and groans were left behind. He glanced over his shoulder to see an entire empty aisle having tipped over onto a good number of the hoard. A few zombies peered out from the rubble.

Yes, this was good. He just had to get out of the store now! He had to sprint again to make it, try and dodge as many zombies as he could, but he was sure he could make it!

But, as he came to the cash registers again, the sight of Crawlers, on all fours and hovering around the entrance made his stomach churn.

His legs shook, his heart pounded against his chest, and his bat was slipping from his grasp. His mind went hazy and he squeezed his eyes shut. He could see the lights behind his eyelids, swirling and spinning. There was the sound of explosions somewhere in his ears.

When he opened them again, everything was dark.

Or, at least, darker than it had been.

He was curled up somewhere, dust filling his lungs. Had he blacked out?

Just above him, he could hear the clicking and groaning of the hoard, still out there and waiting for him to reappear. Somewhere in the chaos, he’d lost his baseball bat and Sidney was still nowhere to be seen.

He swallowed thickly. Maybe he could make a run for it again. He moved slowly, going towards the only source of light available. He pushed against something heavy and looked out. All around, Runners and Crawlers were scavenging what looked to be the site of a collapsed building. Glass and rubble littered the floor and Jonas suddenly remembered that he was still in the supermarket.

Somehow, the entrance of the building had caved in and Jonas was currently hiding under one of the cash registers, along with the help of a large slab of concrete.

There was a window just a few feet from where he sat. He looked around again he could make it; he could totally make it.

A sudden array of nails and snarling made him shoot right back into his hiding place. Hands clawed at the concrete slab and a large, pale eye stared at him through the cracks. The Crawler shoved against the slab, dust pouring onto the floor between them. The creature was slightly too big to get at him for now, but the slab was starting to slide. It wouldn’t be long before Jonas felt the sweet release of death.

Slowly, the Crawler inched its way in, nails getting caught on Jonas’ jeans and trying to drag him out.

Jonas was close to kicking the creature in the face when the concrete slab suddenly moved. Light blared into the hiding spot and a warmth trickled thickly over Jonas’ face. Under the slab, the Crawler was limp, head crushed.

In its place, was a hand, warm and human and Jonas didn’t even hesitate to reach out and grab it.

He was hoisted into the air and onto the shoulder of a very large man. A plastic clown mask concealed his face and his loud voice was slightly muffled because of it.

“I’ve got him!” The man cried as gunshots echoed in Jonas’ ears. Jonas blinked just once and a cloud of dust worked its way into his eyes. He shut them tight. He could feel the black blood mixing with the grime and hardening on his cheeks.

Jonas clung to the body of the man, fingers gripping into thick padded shoulders. The gunfire was deafening. There was a cry from somewhere in the distance, something strong and hard and familiar.

In an instant, Jonas was dropped from his position onto the cold, hard ground, his back hitting the concrete and he winced.

“Jonas!” There were hands on his face as he struggled to sit up, gentle hands he’d felt against his skin so many times before cupping his face to make sure he was alright. Sid! Sid was okay!

“I thought you were dead in there,” Sid’s voice was raspy in his ear as he felt something wet wipe against his face. Slowly, the mix of black blood and dust started to come away.

Then, silence reigned over the street. The scent of blood still soaked into their clothes and the heavy darkness of splatters and droplets speckled across jackets and jeans. The quiet after a battle was always deafening.

As Sid worked across Jonas’ face with water, Jonas started allowing himself to try and blink the dust away from his eyes. With each blink, he would catch a brief snapshot of the scene in front of him.

Three people stood with their backs to him and Sidney, guns strapped across their shoulders and staring out across the supermarket. The store was once big and sturdy, but now it was half crumbled, the entrance almost entirely destroyed. A single corner was still standing and from that direction, another figure appeared.

This figure wasn’t fast like a Runner, choosing instead to linger for a moment, staring at the building before strolling towards the group.

And the voice that came from it caused a chill to run down Jonas’ spine.

“Well, that was fuckin’ fun!” He said, ignoring Jonas and Sid to amble up to his group, slapping shoulders and sharing swears as they complimented themselves on a job well done. They began removing masks, giggling to themselves.

Somehow, Jonas’ eyes were suddenly clear and wide to stare at those broad shoulders he’d seen walk away from him so many times before. The man’s head turned and… Oh. Oh God, he was alive.

“Mitch?” Jonas’ voice trembled as he slowly raised to his feet. His legs felt like jelly, his heart in his throat as all four of the group in front of them seemed to still.

And Mitch finally turned.

He was still the same as he’d always been, only his hair had gotten longer, his natural roots showing under the blond Jonas was used to. The scruff on his chin that Mitch had claimed to be a beard was thicker as well. He still donned the same pair of ripped jeans as he’d always done and the same orange Converses too.

“Joey?”

Mitch took a step forward and Jonas couldn’t help but copy the action. Wordlessly, they cautiously approached each other until Jonas was able to reach out and let his fingers graze against the back of Mitch’s hand.

And there was a spark as strong and bright as lightning.

Within seconds, Mitch had collected Jonas up and pulled him to his chest, long arms wrapping tightly around the smaller boy’s form with the intent of never letting go. Jonas’ fingers gripped at Mitch’s jacket, unable to move his arms. There were tears, he knew, falling down his grubby face, but he didn’t care. Instead, he pressed his forehead against Mitch’s shoulder, letting himself bathe in the familiarity of everything Mitch.

“Thought you were fuckin’ dead or something,” Mitch breathed against his ear, not even bothering to loosen his grip.

Jonas sniffed loudly. “I tried to find you, I did. But I had no choice but to leave Sellwood. My phone smashed during the panic.”

Mitch started swearing, his voice low and growling against Jonas’ cheek and that alone sent shivers down his spine. The swearing was random and mumbled, even as Mitch pulled back slightly, releasing Jonas from his grip to cup his face. Fingers brushed against his cheeks, trying to wipe away more of the dried blood. They travelled across his jaw, the bridge of his nose, under his eyes to try and stop Jonas’ salty tears from falling.

The only time Mitch was able to shut up was when he leaned down, letting Jonas hook his arms around his neck and pressed their lips together.

The kiss was sloppy and desperate with too much teeth and tongue to be comfortable. And yet, it was electrifying, relief running through Jonas’ veins before being quickly replaced by passion. His stomach twisted as Mitch tilted his head, his fingers dug into the hair at the back of Mitch’s head as their hips bumped together. One hand ran down to the small of his back and he could feel himself being tipped backwards ever so slightly.

They were out in the open, at risk of being attacked by Runners and yet they didn’t care. If they died now, they’d die happy and content in knowing they found each other one last time.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, they parted, lips shining and eyes wet.

Jonas couldn’t help but smile and Mitch did the same, arms tightening around Jonas again.

“Well, fuck me,” A voice grumbled and both Mitch and Jonas looked around to see the rest of Mitch’s crew, masks removed. Javier, Scratch, and Cliff stood in disbelief, looking none the worse for wear than when Jonas had last seen them. They looked the same as ever, albeit a bit dustier than before and hair a touch longer too.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Javier suddenly cries, throwing his hands into the air and dropping his mask. “We spent weeks hunkered down in Sellwood because Mitch didn’t want to leave! We all thought you were dead!”

Suddenly, Javier is at their side and throws his arms around the two. It wasn’t a hug, per se, but it felt like it. The group then got heavier as Scratch launched herself onto Mitch’s back, chortling very loudly in their ears. Meanwhile, Cliff had approached with a frown and simply patted Mitch on the shoulder softly.

The embrace Javier had captured them in was tight and comforting, yet as he let go, Jonas couldn’t help but something was missing.

He looked back over to where Sidney was stood, mouth open in shock and an open bottle of water still gripped between her fingers. Jonas untangled himself from the mass of limbs, managing to let go of Mitch and staggered over to his sister.

“Is this really happening?” Sidney asked. Jonas only nodded. “Of course your dumb boyfriend comes back, alive and well during the apocalypse.”

“I know,” Jonas breathed, his smile bright and feeling more ecstatic than he’d been for a long time.

“Are you going to bring them back to base?”

“I was hoping to.”

Sidney let out a loud sigh. The action caught the group’s attention and they all looked around. Mitch took it upon himself to straighten himself out and step forward.

“Got a problem, Clone?” He asked.

Slowly and carefully, Sidney closed the water bottle and made a big show of shrugging her backpack off her shoulder and sipping the bottle back in amongst the cans. She struggled with the zip for a moment before swinging the bag back into place.

She said nothing as she gestures with a finger for Mitch to come closer. Of course, Mitch takes the bait.

He’s barely three feet away from the twins when Sidney suddenly reaches out and yanks Mitch down by the front of his shirt. Mitch almost loses his balance as Sidney pulls his down so they’re glaring right at each other.

“Let me make this perfectly clear,” Sidney starts, voice low, “I don’t care if we’re in the middle of the end of the world and that we’re all supposed to protect each other for humanity’s sake. If you even think about hurting my little brother then I will make sure that you will pay dearly for it. Understand?”

Mitch sucked in a breath through his nose, eyes flickering from Sidney’s menacing gaze to where Jonas stood at her shoulder, trying to break the two apart.

“Yeah,” Mitch finally said and Sidney immediately let go.

“Oh, and it’s not me who’ll have a problem with you turning up out of the blue. That honour will go to Dean,” Sidney stepped back, letting Jonas work his way back into Mitch’s space.

“That fucker still around?” Mitch grumbled, shoulders tightening at the mere thought of the man. He relaxed slightly when Jonas took his hand.

“We have a base not far from here. It’s not much but it’s well-protected. There’s running water and a generator for electricity along with a lot of rooms so you can each have your own space,” Jonas explained, skipping over the fact that Dean was still alive and watching over the twins.

“You askin’ us back to your place, Spots?” Mitch asked. He raised an eyebrow suggestively and Jonas could see his lights again, pink and glowing brightly. It had been a while since they’d turned that colour.

“Only if you guys want to,” Jonas replied.

Mitch smirked and leaned down to press his forehead against Jonas’. He gave a small, short kiss to his lips and then pulled back to look over his shoulder.

With a nod to the rest of his gang, Mitch started following along after Jonas and Mitch. Whilst the base was a good hour’s walk away, Mitch and Jonas refused to let go of each other’s hand the entire time and thought to themselves that maybe, just maybe, their future was starting to look a little more promising.

[ultimateticklemaster]

Tribal Tickles

A looooooooooooooong overdue Art Trade for @zeroa5raven. Thanks so much for being patient, my friend! :D

Scour the jungle, find a human, capture said human, and bring it back to camp. Those were the direct orders Sans had gotten from Chief Asgore. Everyone in the tribe knew there was a young human child roaming around in their jungle, and the chief had decided to divide the responsibility of finding it among the monsters in the tribe. More often than not, however, no one would ever be able to find the human after a long day’s work of tracking and searching, and they always returned the following sundown empty-handed. The day before was Sans’ brother Papyrus’ turn to scour the jungle, and now it was his today.

Sans didn’t really care one way or another if the human was finally found and captured. He just wanted to lounge back in a tree and take a nap, but he knew the consequences of doing so if his brother or even worse, Undyne, found him slacking off on the job. Of course that didn’t stop him from doing so every so often.

Today was a different day, and Sans felt strangely motivated to actually do his job right for once and track down the wandering human. Perhaps it was because of Grillby’s promise to reward him with a large quantity of crushed tomato paste if he at least found where the human resided in the jungle.

The sudden sound of rustling caused Sans to stop in his tracks, falling completely still and expanding his senses to detect his surroundings. It didn’t take him long for his trained eyes and ears to spot movement behind the trees. Stealthily, the skeleton leaped into the nearest tree and crept along the branches, peering down through the dark green leaves at the small dirt path parallel to the one he was walking down just moments before.

He couldn’t believe his eyes. It was the human! It was walking down the dirt path leisurely, completely oblivious to the watchful eyes that stared from above.

Chuckling softly to himself, Sans sprang skillfully and silently from tree to tree by the branches, careful not to shake loose any leaves that would give away his position. Once he was close enough, he prepared to jump.

Without a sound, he leaped over the human, twisting in the air to land on his feet, facing it. His arms stretched out as a gesture to halt the child, a grin stretching across his face. “Heya.”

The child squealed and immediately leaped away before the skeleton could wrap his arms around it. It quickly turned heel and raced down the path from the direction it came. Sans growled softly to himself in frustration before taking pursuit.

Low-hanging branches and their leaves whipped across Sans’ cheeks as he ran close behind the fleeing human, grunting with the effort to not give in to the fatigued that tugged at his bones, screaming for him to slow down. He wasn’t used to running, and even when he had to it was only for a short period of time to chase down prey that had spotted him a second too late. He began to heavily pant as he struggled to keep up with his escapee.

The human looked back at him, the look of fright etched across its face giving Sans a little more stamina to push forward. All of a sudden, the child disappeared in a blink of an eye with a squeal, and too late did Sans realize it had accidentally run over the edge of a ravine before he followed suit. A cry was forced out of him as he and the human tumbled down the steep cliff, both trying to regain balance, grab onto any roots, and skid their hands and feet against the loose rocks and dirt.

In no time they had both reached a tangle of tree branches and vines at the bottom, and with several snaps of wood and swishes of leaves they crashed through the greenery.

The human’s fall was finally broken by a rather large leaf close to the ground. It slid off the green surface and softly collapsed to the ground, panting and trembling heavily in shock. Sans, however, wasn’t so lucky. He yelped and grunted as his body weight tore through the vines, snapping a few of them on his way down. Just before he reached the ground he shot back up into the air by the vines. After a few little bounces he was reduced to subtle swaying back and forth, his limbs caught in the tangle of vines. He grunted and growled as he tugged at the thick greenery, but his restraints held fast.

Sans stopped struggling when he saw the human climb to its feet and brush itself off. It looked back at the skeleton in fright, slowly backing away, and his SOUL pulsed in alarm. “H-Hold on there, kiddo, don’t leave me hanging like this!”

The child stopped and blinked at him, seeming to try to decide what to do. It nervously brushed a little twig out of its hair before speaking. Its pitch of voice told Sans the human was a male.

“Well… You shouldn’t have been chasing me.”

Sans was a little shocked to find the human could speak. Quickly getting over the initial surprise, he chuckled and grinned. “Hey, sorry about that, but that’s kinda what we monsters do. We capture humans.”

The human narrowed his eyes at Sans. “So that means if I were to let you go you’d just capture me anyway?”

“Well… uh… yeah?” The skeleton’s grin slackened into one of sheepishness.

The human pouted and crossed his arms. “Then I see no reason why I should let you out. Maybe if I let you stay there that’ll teach you not to capture humans. Or perhaps…” His grin grew deviously, making Sans feel very uneasy, “I should find another way to teach you a lesson.”

“What are you talking about?” Sans grunted, giving his limbs a nervous tug against the vines.

“I’ll offer a deal to you,” the child bargained with a small chuckle. “If you agree not to chase me around anymore, I’ll let you go. But if you refuse, I’ll have to resort to extreme measures.”

“O-Oh, yeah? And what might that be?”

The human approached the skeleton slowly, softly humming to himself. Once he reached him, he plucked out one of the blue feathers out of his tribal head accessory. Without a word, he gave the fluffy plumes a quick swipe over his exposed rib cage.

Sans’ grin grew wide and he squeaked, tugging at his binds even more. “W-Wait, kid! D-Don’t do that!”

“Well, you wanna capture me, but at the same time I don’t want to have to keep running around,” the child reasoned. “I believe this is the only way to get you to give up your pursuit on me.” His grin grew wide as he resumed stroking Sans’ ribs with the feather.

The giggles came immediately despite Sans’ best efforts to keep them bottled up. He began squirming even harder in the vines, tugging desperately at his limbs, especially his arms. They were just so close to reaching his arms to protect them, but still so far. “E-Ehehehehehe! Hehehey! C-Cut that ohohohout!”

“Did they really have to send out someone as ticklish as you to track me down?” the human teased with a smirk. He began gently spidering his fingers down the skeleton’s spine as he kept the rhythm of the feather-brushing going.

“N-Nohohoho! Shut up, yohohou! Ahahahahehehe!” Sans protested, a light hue of blue spreading across his cheeks. He felt so humiliated!

“Aww, but listen to that laughter! You gotta admit, it’s pretty cute.” The human started stroking the feather under Sans’ arms, the vane gently yet maddeningly caressing the tips of his humerus bones.

This caused Sans to squeal loudly, the tugging on his arms intensifying. “Ahahahahahaha! Nohoho, stop ihihit! I-I’m really ticklish, okahahahay? Now knock it ohohohoff!”

“Not until you agree to stop chasing me around.”

“Nehehever!”

With a shrug, the human plucked out a second feather from Sans’ hat, using it to wiggle between each rib. Sans squeaked and giggled profusely, bouncing and bucking around a bit in his bonds. His head tossed back and forth, the last remaining feather atop his head fluttering around with each toss of his head.

“Maybe I should try to find a sweet spot,” the child spoke aloud to himself. He chuckled as he began exploring, feathering the skeleton’s collarbone and neck, rewarding snickers and yelps from the monster.

“N-Nohoho! Kkhhehehe!” Sans whimpered, tilting his head in hopes to protect his neck with each swipe of the plumes.

Deciding this wasn’t even close to what he was searching for, the human glided the feathers up and down his humerus bones. Sans trembled slightly, though barely any giggles came out of him unless the tips of the arm bones were touched. Still not he was looking for.

Glancing past the rib cage and spine, he poked and swiped against his hip bones, working down his legs and swirling in the pits of his knees.

By this point, tears began to bead in Sans’ tightly shut eye sockets, though he still hadn’t burst into harsh laughter. “G-Gihihive it a rest, kid! I’m not gonna st-stahahap searchin’ for ya!”

The child ignored his comment, deep in concentration. He glided across the fibula and tibia bones, not getting much of a reaction at all, and finally when he reached his feet he removed the small brown sandals, tossing them to the ground.

Sans jolted and grinned sharply, his breathing intensifying as unbearable anticipation crept over him. “D-Don’t you think you’ve d-done enough, kiddo? C’mon…”

Taking note at how nervous the skeleton seemed to be, the human giggled softly to himself before give the two soles an experimental swipe with the feathers.

The reaction was immediate and completely what the human was searching for. Jerking violently in his bonds, Sans squealed loudly at the initial touch, his toes curling. “A-AHAHAHA! Nohoho, don’t!”

“Jackpot,” was all the human said before beginning the merciless assault. He glided and fluttered the plumes along Sans’ soles, causing the skeleton to practically howl with laughter. His thrashing began even more vigorous, but the vines did their job in keeping his feet still.”

“GAHAHAHAHAHA! N-NOHOHO, STOP IT!” Sans laughed loudly, his toes curling and wiggling in time with his fingers, the blush on his cheeks turning a shade darker. “AHAHAHAHA! THAT REALLY T-TIHIHIHICKLES!”

The human grinned and giggled to himself as he started paying close attention to the wiggling toes, flitting the feathers between them and sawing underneath. He slightly winced at the high-pitched shriek that tore from the skeleton.

“NOT THE TOHOHOHOHOES!” Sans wailed in distress. He aimlessly flailed around in his bonds, trying desperately to free himself. The longer the torture stretched on, the less he was able to withstand. “PLEHEHEHEHEASE! I CAN’T TAHAHAHAHAKE IT! AHAHAHAHAHA!”

“I don’t think you’ve learned your lesson just yet,” the human chuckled mischievously. He dropped the feathers and started wiggling his fingers under and between the squirming phalanges mercilessly. “Tickle tickle tickle! For someone without any skin or nerves, you sure are a sensitive little thing, aren’tcha?”

Sans’ eyes flung open at the initial touch, proving to be ten times worse than the feathers, and his strength of his bucking and squirming intensified to the max. He cachinnated raucously at the gargalesis, the tears finally beginning to slide down his now bright blue cheeks. At this point, he could care less if he got that crushed tomato paste from Grillby, he just wanted the torture to stop! “O-OKAHAHAHAHAY! OKAY, OKAY, YOU WIHIHIHIN! I’LL STOP CHAHAHAHASING YOU!”

“Are you suuuuure?” the human snickered, gently prying each toe apart so he could gently scratch between them.

Sans let out a harsh squeal, his toes trembling in the effort to curl them again. “YEHEHEHEEEEES! OH, PLEASE STAHAHAHAHAP! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

With one last rough tickle to the toes, followed by a distressed wail of hysteria from the skeleton, the human finally stopped tickling. He giggled giddily to himself as he unwrapped the vines from around Sans’ limbs and torso, letting him collapse to the ground, panting heavily.

“Let’s just hope you hold true to your word, otherwise I won’t be so merciful on you next time.” The human child giggled with a playful wink before walking off.

Sans huffed, groaning in defeat, as his head fell limply to the ground. How was he going to explain to his fellow tribe mates what just happened? Well, he’d worry about that later. For now, he just wanted to rest.