#jack handey

[gameraboy2]

"Deeper Thoughts" by Jack Handey Playboy, May 1993

[coldemergency]

Tom: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down

Harry: That's very good

Tom: I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but do you know what I've left on the porch?

Harry: Oh no-

Tom: A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "you". After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done

Harry: wtf

[oldinterneticons]

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

[thepersonalwords]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey

[skrytch]

[mctreeleth]

Jack Handey quotes read like perfect tumblr shitposts but I never ever see them here. One time back in 2002 we found a website with hundreds of them and cried ourselves sick at lunchtime doing dramatic readings of them from a printout in the school library. I still think about the special pencil that writes on snow every goddamn day.

[quotelr]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

"I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex."

Jack Handey

[hug-your-face]

"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my dad. Not screaming over a cliff like his passengers."

"In weightlifting, I think sudden uncontrolled urination shouldn't disqualify you."

[thesiouxzy]

[cherryblossomshadow]

If Trees Could Scream

ngl I've never heard of Jack Handey. I was just innocently watching a Smosh Pit "Agree to Disagree" with my sister, and she insisted on reading the comments.

eggled1566: The dog talking opinion reminded me of one of Jack Handey's deep thoughts:

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

And at this point, I would remind you that Huskies exist.

Thank you, eggled1566, for exposing me to that deep thought

[z34l0t]

[thatsbelievable]

[thepersonalwords]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

Jack Handey

[trixiesol-blog]

[theres-a-big-ugly-cock-in-my-ass]

I'll be waiting for you in heaven–with a gun.