#ive waited over a fucking year to get a new id and when its in my grasp it gets ripped away

[staygoldsquatchling02]

Fuck me, I just paid 25 dollars to take my permit test so I could get a new one, passed the test. Then I go up to actually get the fucking permit and I'm short 2 fucking dollars, so now I have to hope I can scrounge up 2 dollars cash or on my chime card so I can come back tomorrow and actually get the card.

[cuz-reasons]

I'm going to fuckin throw up

[desire-mona]

heard we were making house ocs and ive had a dingus floating around in my head since january so i FINALLY got around to actually making a proper ref sheet. i present my silliest

Dr. Nanette "Ninny" Amesbury :3

more under cut !

big warning lore n backstory n stuff is very bare bones and not all the way there cuz im #lazy

birthday is vague but lets go with ~35 circa s2

if i had a nickel for every oc i had who had absent parents and was raised catholic by their grandparents, id have two nickels. unintentional that it happened twice i sorta forgor the other one's lore for a bit and now its stuck so ummmmm sorry laney. wont be going into childhood bc i havent come up w that yet and honestly i dont care to!!! yada yada yada catholic guilt but not in the chase way bc she hasnt left the church n likely never will

ummmm relationship chart + template

lets just quick go over some relationship highlights cuz some are def more important than others

wilson: mr president a 4th ex wife has hit the james wilson. when were they married? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 😁

but they were married for like. 3 years? YES it ended bc he cheated but nin also wasn't the best either her ass was literally never ever there she was ALWAYS at work (like more than normal doctor amounts of at work - only came home to sleep and even that was only 4x a week(also worked at a different hospital))

tw suicide for next part bee tee dub

a big part of the beginning of their relationship was (big surprise) wilson's attraction to what he THOUGHT was neediness but was literally just nin wanting (and trying) to kill herself lol. once the magic of all that went away (perceived independence thats rly just #bottling shit up) he was just kinda like oh :/ its not cool to have a mentally ill wife anymore :/ i was expecting ramona flowers :/ or whatever. so infidelity impact font, hijinks and moving away for [amount] years ensue before nin being hired at ppth as the head of pediatrics. brief fwb situation w wilson Again b4 she finds out shes a lesbian at the end of like. s2.

oh yeah she also tries to kill herself again once she figures it out (see catholic guilt mention) but its cool she lives

cuddy: GAAAAAYYYYY GAAAAYYYYYYY GAY!!!!! DR AMESBURY WANTS TO FUCK THIS WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its one sided tho boooooo cuddys briefly like Wait ? just b4 nin moves away at the end of s6 roughly but shes already. thats done its not happening.

kutner: dont even fucking talk to me. i dont wanna talk about it. im gonna talk about it.

so kutner (like the slut that he is lowkey but society isnt ready for that) asks nin out just after he gets hired and shes like ermmmmmmmmmm! but sensing his loser aura she (still deeply closeted) is like hey haha i dont swing that way sorry !!!!!!! but its ok they become super mega best friends and get nerdy together

i like to think they listen to weird al together OH YEAH NINS THE BIGGEST WEIRD AL YANKOVIC FAN IN NEW JERSEY

and then nothing bad happens!

if youve seen this post about the little writing things kutner got after he croaked then hooray here's nanettes

they make me so fucking upset.

anyway as i stated above nin moves away after s6 for a bunch of reasons. 1) thanks obama 2) a big part of what contributed to her suicidal ideations n such was the fact that deep down she didnt ACTUALLY know what she wanted to do w her life. u may be like she doesnt. want to be a doctor ? NO she doesnt thats just what she did to get money to eventually do what she wants. whatever that is. something something feeling lost in life and unable to reach a goal when u dont even know what the goal is something something. also persistent depressive disorder but like spoon in kitchen.

idk what shes gonna end up doing after she moves but id imagine she shows up for house's funeral so i cant just be like lol nobody gets to know! im thinking painter but idk IDK guys her lore is ROUGH

thats it if u have questions ill answer thanks

[hazeystar]

911:ls 5x9 live commentary from my notes app

run away now if you don't want spoilers because this was a doozy but HOLY SHIT THE EPISODE WAS AMAZING

currently sitting in the front room in the dark hopefully my roommate pays me no attention

omg no you cannot separate the strands

CARLOS carlos... get this Campbell guy off the screen get him carlos take him down with facts god it's always the guy who's 'been with me for a long time it could never be him' just look into it, humour me, please, THANK YOU

yay TNT back together yea that sweater is definitely a winner in the 'too nice for the y' (also where can I buy it?) it wont get to the ultimatum because Carlos will have solved the murder case and he loves your brother tk don't you ever forget it

nah how is this happening, Owen needed to get away from new York, don't bring him back there ok congrats he can mean a lot to you but HIS LITERAL FAMILY IS HERE DO NOT DO THIS TO HIM

god I love rafa and his acting skills, the pain and anger seems so raw he played hooky for a bday party?? why wasn't this scheduled better? carlos knows the game, he's seen the crime shows (I'm Carlos, I totally saw that escape coming)

5 years, girl you'd be lucky if its 5 innocent men don't run, preach carlos she really should have seen that coming, all that waiting like she was gonna say something then NADA

yes best friends Judd and owen ive been to that memorial too!! omg he might actually leave I'm gonna cry

of course it's Campbell, why wouldn't it be id be having a breakdown if I was Carlos this is so much happening tk in the same room and there's not even a glance I'm crying, on the job meetings really hit hard

i saw someone talk about Judd maybe turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism and I see the signs now yes Judd as captain, it's supposed to happen, Owen and I are on the same wavelength

i swear I must watch too many crime shows because the 'he did that?' act happens so often and I'm sick of it tell him where soup man is SAVE EVERYONE SAVE THE TARLOS MARRIAGE and we're off, to mexico i'm scared

oh no there's the alcohol problem, this worse than I thought someone bring grace back I miss her and Judd misses her more

FUCK ITS MEXICO TIME IM NOT READY carlos don't forget to at home please CHIEF NO no I'm scared I know this scenery carlos please its the perfect shot please just do it oh no wait the chief carlos Jesus I got it at the same time oh no oh no [as I'm writing this after, there's a gap here because I was screaming into a blanket because my roommate is sleeping in the next room and I was actively having a breakdown] ranger Campbell as a saviour was not on my bingo card id pay good money for tk to be the responding paramedic

these commercials are way too damn long give me my show please

respectfully why are we opening with Judd and Owen CARLOS IS BLEEDING OUT yes ok lets discuss the alcohol problem now I guess poor Judd honestly i've heard that before, hits harder I just KNOW he's heard this from TK so many times ID RATHER LOSE A JOB THAN A BEST FRIEND - I LOVE THEM

CARLOS MY BABY HE LIVES the curles are curling I love you soup man is actually good, Carlos has his answer, all is well nah show me the ohoto don't be scared

the way I jumped in my chair while sobbing when he said he was going to tell TK he's ready to be a father

YOU WERE MY DAD IM CRYING WITH YOU

YOUR FATHER IS PROUD OF YOU CARLOS AND SO AM I

IM IN TEARS HOLY SHIT

also nah I did not need to see that an asteroid is coming in over a month, no thank you

fic writers please do your thing and send them to me because I need the fics of this episode there are so many ideas to run with like TK BEING THE RESPONDING PARAMEDIC THIS IS A WASTED IDEA

honestly I'm a fic writer I might just jump in-

[yuukei-yikes]

can we get uhhhhhh some hibiya thoughts

yes. yes. yes. i fucking love hibiya. he's LITERALLY A LITTLE GUY when i got into kagepro he was one of my faves actually cuz he was the closest to my age at the time. i was 13… im 22 now! lol thats not weird at all *eye twitch* sry ive been weird abt the passage of time lately. erm wait this isnt my therapy session <- doesnt go to therapy

HIBIYA. LITTLE GUY. my thoughts on him………honestly, i recently reread all the novels and god his intro chapters were HARD to read. all the creepy stuff abt hiyori yknow. i was cringing so hard. i kinda wanna ignore it bc i'd rather do that with the weird bits kagepro has to offer, but not to get rid of it completely. like id take away hibiyas whole thing abt a collection of hiyori pics but still keep the aspect of him that worships her. and how that dynamic would COMPLETELY go away post str.

post str hibiya is VERY different from how he started out. i mean. 10 year old timeloop…. he hasn't grown at all mentally like he has to process all this with his 12 year old brain, but going through all he did he just kinda looks at things rly differently now. not obsessed with hiyori, for one…. and she's also different to him. their relationship changes drastically bc now they both respect each other LOL listen i know im annoying with my codependent relationship headcanons but… eyes hibiya and hiyori

these bitches are 12. spent 10 years watching each other die over and over and literally die for each other. AND THEN THEY GET EACH OTHER BACK? ERM. yeah theyre NOT letting go of each other. its not so much codependency as much as it is awful awful awful separation anxiety. god are there any fics of hibiya and hiyori going back home and having a breakdown at having to separate and go to their own houses (bc in the city they were living together so it doesnt hit that they need to separate until they go home)???

hiyori would still be kinda bitchy and bossy but definitely not horrible to hibiya. and also her attitude hits different when she's also always holding his hand and refusing to go anywhere without him and throwing tantrums when any of the dan members even imply any activity that would require to separate them. and she wouldnt rly be embarrassed abt it i think hiyori would be super open and vocal abt HIBIYA HAS TO BE WITH ME ALL THE TIME !!!!!! and hibiya isnt even flustered hes just like *NODDING NODDING NODDING* bc he's the same with her. girl… SEPARATION ANXIETY HIBIHIYO<3 mekadan so sick in the head <3 they have 78 undiagnosed mental illnesses <3

not to make it abt my future headcanons of psych major hibiya but. new generations man. hibiya is 10000% the one in the dan going like GUYS WHAT HAPPENED TO US WAS SOOOO MESSED UP and everyone's like lol yeah !!!! and he's like DONT LOL ABOUT THIS IM FUCKING SERIOUS??? especially since he's such a fucking outsider to everything like everyone else's been experiencing all these tragedies since they were born and he just kinda. had a normal life before? and like i said NEW GENERATIONS MAN THEYRE PSYCHOANALYSING THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE AROUND THEM…. the dan is so used to this shit that they kinda lmao rock and roll thru it and hibiyas like NO. NO. NO. EVERYONE. THERAPY. NOW!!!!!! it becomes his special interest he starts getting all into psychology and when he comes back to the city for his visits suddenly he's diagnosing everyone with stuff and the dans like *shaking* MAKE THE KID SHUT UP also realises he has separation anxiety with hiyori and works on it. hiyori is surprisingly the one most terrified of letting go. and like i said…. 10 year long time loop being processed in a 12/13 year old brain.. hibiya is SUPER self aware. he makes sure of it

ok and. heh. haruka. THE WHOLE HIBIYA HIYORI AND HARUKA THING COULD BE ITS OWN POST… SO… IM LEAVING IT HERE CUZ THIS IS ALREADY SUPER LONG but im just gonna say. hibiya's IN DENIAL of konoha being gone. he keeps expecting haruka to go away. hibiya THINKS he's super mature, and he is for his age bc of all this shit and his willingness to understand his problems and everyone else's. and everyone else also think he is mature, but this is just something he can't stop being a 12 year old about. his friend is gone! WHY does it have to be gone!?!? especially in an ending where hiyori is back. if she wasnt, then he'd be more accepting of the losses bc there were 2 both konoha and hiyori and like it becomes another whole thing abt letting go and mourning but if she is back…everything is supposed to be perfect!! everyone made it back!! why couldn't konoha? why does it have to be gone? its not fair! he doesnt care this haruka was the body's true owner!! konoha was his friend! it also deserved to live as much as this haruka guy!!! why is HE more important!!!?!?!?!? and he just. he's just insanely immature abt it. and he knows he is but truth is he's just really fucking sad and regretful about konoha being gone. i could also talk about hiyori and harukas feelings abt it but heheh yeah this is super long. erm. hibiyita el chiquito <3 hibiya throwing a tantrum in front of the whole dan abt how it isnt fair and how he wishes haruka would just die. LMAO. he is 12. if anyone has fic commissions open Eye eye

also erm wholesome one before i end it. he makes little miniature dolls of the whole dan<3 he's BAD at typing on his new smartphone but since he lives away hes always texting in the gc<3 he gets super into mobile games<3 amongus fan hibiya asking all his grownup friends with jobs and no time for amongus if anyone can play with him<3 they do bc theyre busy but there will always be time to amongus with friends<3

[mattslolita]

story timeeee!

SO! when i was 10 this boy moved to my school. we were really good friends up until i was 12. we stopped talking for like 3 years after moving school BUTTTTT now we have some lessons tghtr.

we started talking again now and i feel like likes me (ive liked him since i was like 11 im screaming rn.) we were in a lesson tghtr and he was talking abt like going on dates and stuff. he was saying he'd rather stay at home and cook a meal with his 'significant other' than actually go out to eat as he would like spending quality time w them. (same honestly)

he also ALWAYSSS makes comments when i change smth. for example when i put lashes on he always says smth cute. or like when i get new rings or new charms (on pandora bracelets) he always notices. he also asked to try on my bracelet but i had to put it on FOR him smh so lazy!! (i was over the moon hes adorable) always tells me i smell nice when i wear a diff perfume.

and literally like a week ago we were coming out of schl tgthr and this old wrinkly bitch is walking as slow as a fucking snail and he goes 'id avoid her if i were u' out of nowhere. and he obviously went off on him. then he gave me a hug and asked me if i wanted to come over to his. OFC I SAID YES!

his mum is so sweet omgggg. she complimented my hair (curly af) and is just overall so cute i love her! we listened to music and he helped me straighten my hair (used his sisters straighteners) he kept looking at me through the mirror and i nearly DIED BROOO. then i was gonna leave but its like dark af outside so he WALKS ME HOME (30 MINUTE WALK BTW LIKE??) he told me he enjoyed hanging out and we should defo do it again. AND HIS CONTACT NAME FOR ME IS (mynickname) W A RED HEARTTTT!!! MAYBE IM DELUSIONAL BUT MY MATES THINK HES OBSESSED. his friends always joke around sayin he likes me and we would be 'so cute tgthr' (so fucking real)

AND HAPPY BIRTHHDAY GIRL!!!!!!! HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE!!

STOPPP THIS IF GIVING MY CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO LOVERS IMAGINATION IVE ALWAYS WANTED !!!

wait a little while more to see of he happens to make a first move before you decide to tell him u have feelings for him. i did NOT wait, and it went horribly wrong so !! but from the looks of it he either is catching feelings for u or he already likes you !!

THANK YOU SO MUCH ANGEL I LOVEEE YOUUU & I WILL BE SAFE !!💘

[boypussydilf]

top three with. doctor who. talk about the silly little doctors Now

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tbh id kind of forgotten i reblogged that

3 male characters I love:

JAMIE MCCRIMMON MY BEST FRIEND

12th doctor. the doctor is never male and i like them in general but 12 is probably my favorite

um. uh. um. um. uhhhhhh. christ theres GOTTA be someone i like more than mickey or rory i mean theyre good but theyre not top favorites. WILF. RIGHT. WILF. WILFRED MOTT. GRANDPA WIN

3 female characters I love:

ACE!!!!!!!!

DONNA NOBLE!!!!!!!!!

Ahh god. Fuck. Theres too many I could put here. uhmmm. Ok im going to say rose tyler. She MIGHT. have a slight edge over bill potts. but ouuugghh i love bill. im not sure,. one of them. WAIT WHAT ABOUT MISSY. theres too many incredible women and girls in doctor who. If i had to pick one ummmm i guess I’ll say rose though. she’s classic

3 romantic ships I love:

the doctor and the master whatever the fuck they have going on

2/jamie this clown and scottish dude are gay as hell

uhhh. yeah lets say doctorrose. they too are classic

(Honorary mention to Ace and all of her Girlfriends Of The Week <3)

3 platonic dynamics I love:

TEN & DONNA!!!!!!!!!! OUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH *POWERS UP*

probably seven & ace… uncledadpa moments

christ i had something a second ago and then i lost it. why are amy and rory suddenly all i can think of THEY ARE MARRIED. ok i think im gonna say 11 & amy not a big fan of…. ALL the ways they were written in the show…… but the overarching concept of. to the doctor amy is always the little girl he accidentally left behind and he needs to make it up to her & to amy the doctor is always her childhood imaginary friend and they’re both trying to live in a fairytale and it is NOT actually ideal for them. It’s good

3 favorite moments in canon:

OUT OF SIXTY FUCKING YEARS OF TELEVISION?!?!?!?!?!?! ok lightning round off the top of my head

the scene in the unicorn and the wasp where the doctor gets cyanide poisoned and has to play charades with donna and agatha christie to try and tell them what he needs

in the god complex where the doctor amy and rory all get startled by people showing up and everyone is talking at once and the doctor goes IVE NEVER BEEN THREATENED WITH A TABLE LEG BEFORE! NO WAIT I TELL A LIE…. while rory is going ITS OKAY, WE’RE NICE! and amy looks at him like hes insane. i find it very funny

when ten sacrifices himself to save wilf but first he has to have a little mental breakdown about it because he knows what the right thing to do is but he’s also kind of fucked in the head and feels like he deserves to live. and then as hes very slowly dying of radiation poisoning we get that kinda cheesy montage that goes on WAY too fucking long of him doing little secret things to help out all the companions he’s had since the start of the revival series and it’s so self indulgent and wrung out and it kinda slaps

theres so many others and probably a lot of scenes i like way more than these but these r the first ones that came to mind so i will restrain myself

3 favorite headcanons:

gender and sexuality r different for time lords. bc theyre aliens. so of course it would be. but the doctor is also queer by their standards

erm. uh. fuck. shit. what else is there.

Susan is still alive and doing fine <3

Christ i dont know. I got nothin. Doctor who canon is so fucked i could probably take something that’s technically canon and then call it a headcanon anyway. Uh. No i got nothing there either.

K9 is a good dog. There

3 least favorite things about it:

NO NOSTALGIABAIT!!! STOP IT!!! PUT DAVID TENNANT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND HIM. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PUT HIM RIGHT BETWEEN THE FIRST FEMALE DOCTOR AND THE FIRST BLACK DOCTOR <3 HE WAS ON THE SHOW FOR FOUR YEARS PUT HIM BACK

AND NO MORE DALEKS OR CYBERMEN UNTIL THE WRITERS CAN LEARN TO USE THEM PROPERLY! USE THEM AS REPRESENTATIONS OF FASCISM AND FEARS OF NEW TECHNOLOGY RESPECTIVELY OR DONT USE THEM AT ALL. STOP INCLUDING THEM JUST BECAUSE THEYRE THE BIG RECOGNIZABLE DOCTOR WHO VILLAINS.

(…….exceptions made for when daleks are used for comedy i may say it annoys me when they get watered down but i still think its great when theyre funny. also that one new years special was actually a very good occasion to have a dalek without it meaning anything but that’s besides the point okay anyway)

ALSO THE WEEPING ANGELS. THEY WERE SCARY IN THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE AND THEN THE WRITERS KEPT ADDING NEW THINGS TO THEM TO TRY AND MAKE THEM MORE SCARY AND IT JUST BACKFIRED. IT MADE THEM SUCK

basically i hope for a future where doctor who writers actually take to heart the whole “Moving Forward and Embracing Change” part of the show. if you bring back stuff that hasn’t appeared since classic who be sure you’re DOING something with it that means anything and not just going “Look! This species still… exists!”. write good stories instead of having recognizable villains show up because they’re recognizable. and FORGET ABOUT THE TENTH DOCTOR ERA ALREADY. DAVID TENNANT WAS GOOD. HIS DOCTOR WAS GOOD. MOST OF THE SHOW FROM THEN IS GOOD. AND ITS OVER. ITS BEEN OVER FOR TEN YEARS. STOP MILKING THE TENTH DOCTOR AND PUTTING ALL THE FOCUS ON HIM. PLEASE. PL

doctor who good :)

[aestheticvoyage2024]

Day 352: Tuesday December 17, 2024 - "Stubborn Pride"

Of course I couldnt make it out of 2024 without getting sick one last brutal time. Like clockwork this time of year, and this time I was broke down hard enough to go make my first ever visit to the urgent care. I went and picked up our favorite Pho soup, and told Audrie that if I couldnt eat it, that I would go. An hour later James was asking me how I was feeling and I snapped this photo in full fluorescent - bad enough to be here waiting in a two hour line! And I was bad. I mean its hard to qualify anything after that wild bug I brought home from Cuba....and this certainly wasnt like drinking water in Mexico.... BUT man, I was depleted and defeated, broken and coughing choking, blowing bile out my nose and crying like a baby for mercy from one steam shower to the next and after 3 days of no food I called uncle and asked that poor what is ailing me - - -- and her answer was not what I expected (or that I needed some good luvin), but pneumonia. What?!?!? Later Id share the diagnosis with my therapist who gasped and asked if I knew about the connection between pneumonia and grief - and its real apparently. Im the proof in the pudding that is gumming my lungs over here, just wishing and hoping for "is it fucking 2025 yet!??!?!" The doctor promised that I would indeed live to see the ball drop one more time as long as I got some rest and took better care of myself (and picked up the steroid, inhaler, and antibiotic in the morning). That was good news because as of writing, I still cant move around the house without breaking a sweat and seeing my heart rate jump! Ive checked my fitbit more while Ive been sick than the entire year! Itd be a couple more days before my appetite was back and I was able to eat. My beautiful sweetheart made me favorite *on friday night) grilled cheese and soup.... she makes the very best damn grilled cheese. Give William one more year and he's going to be one lucky kiddo. Who knows how long it will be until I stop coughing. Its the kind of cough the drains your mental health and breaks your spirit and keeps everyone up all night. Not much peace in the home this week. But I am doing the work to heal. I am doing the work to recover. I am doing the work to come back now stronger than ever. And who knows, maybe I wont get sick every damn Long December anymore like I always did since before I could remember........

Youre only as sick as your secrets.

Maybe this next year will be better than the last.

Song: Counting Crows - Long December

Quote: "I can't worry 'bout my problems, I can't take 'em when I'm gone." ~Shaboozey

[randomcontentdude]

GOD THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO GET POSTED OVER A WEEK AGO AND IT NEVER LEFT MY DRAFTS

hello gorgeous people from the internet, it is a bit late on Sunday night, but I dint want to leave the weekend without talking to you and updating you on my life. We left off in me having GG blonde on delivered and me having a conference starting the next morning.

First the conference, It is a model united nations, and im not going to get into much detail because I don't want to, too bad for you. I was participating as Mexico in World trade organization, the topic was the grain market. Academically, I am a very experienced UN delegate, I usually am the most experienced(not the best under any circumstance) delegate in the room in advanced committees, no surprise I was too in an intermediate one. I started by beefing the USA just because and then just working with her because I was Mexico, ofc I had to. There were a few things that annoyed me about the committee like the people being clueless and the lack of format or them throwing all my work away. But anyways, I dont feel like talking about this right now, cause ive discussed this at extent multiple times and im not in the mood anymore, maybe tomorrow ill talk about it to leave a record. I liked wearing a suit after so long, and my coat and all, it felt nice. This specific conference is not my fave, it's my least actually. The debate was nice this year but the campus of this uni is super super far and in a very bad state imo, so its not too enjoyable, apart from that, I feel like the overall vibe is not the best. I went just to debate, no parties and skipped the ceremonies. I went because I knew I was going to bump onto people I love from previous conferences. I didn't make friends this conference, but earlier this year I went to this advanced committee(I’m coming back the next morning) and met a lot of people that have become my closest friends in the MUN circle, so I went to see them.

I’m transitioning to new hair products and I’m not loving the results, I guess I have to still get used to the proper amounts, but it’s not responding as id expect them to. Idk if I mentioned this but one of my suits dirty half from being stored for long half for having gotten lost in a forest in it (that’s for another recap). That’s annoying, I don’t have any groceries and I’ve been feeding off the same meal for the last like 4 days (💀💀💀) but I’ll make it work.

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. I asked Friday afternoon (couldn’t wait until Saturday) how the Kebab was, and he didn’t answer…and then he didn’t…and he never answered to that. So at this point I had two options: ignore his existence until the day that I die or not give two flying fucks about it. So I decided to not give fucks and text him anyways, so I asked him if he was doing sumn in the afternoon (on Sunday) to which he answered that he wasn’t sure but that he sure was going to the climbing gym. Then I told him I was going downtown to run some errands if case he wanted to keep me company. This is when he mentioned his friend was over and I was like “omg, he did mention he was going to be hosting a friend coming from abroad” so now I feel less bad about the kebab thing cause lol he was busy. So ended up meeting his friend and I think he got like super jealous? Idk I could just see it in his face it was super hilarious and satisfying to see his face, as my friends would say, his face had subtitles. So GG blonde’s friend had striking blue grey eyes, huge eyelashes, super tall, etc. the brunette and improved version of GG blonde basically, I am an objective man, I can tell when someone is super handsome and he was, it didn’t help that he was basically shirtless too which was super hilarious for me and I pointed it out at some point and we all had a laugh with it. However, I didn’t feel attracted to him, I liked him, as friends, he was super nice and we had to things in common. At first I was super shy cause that’s me, but later on we got onto talking about dying our hair and we actually did the same high school program that is basically a sect so immediately the conversation got fluid and we started kicking it off. Gg blonde was not understanding anything of what was going on and he was not super happy about it. At some point he mentioned where he was studying and it turns out it’s my second top pick for exchange destinations next year. By the time we were leaving I asked for his instagram in case I end up in his city as we had agreed earlier. When I asked for it GG blonde looked so defeated honestly, he said “I don’t even think I have your instagram”, my plans had come to completion, I had his instagram which was one of my goals and he was also like upset? About the whole situation.

Ig he likes my attention and I like giving it to him, I like spending time with him and I still think he’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen, even if some of his tattoos are a little ugly. I think he realised he doesn’t want to share me? Or that he likes being liked by me and just wouldn’t admit it? Idk but I was just cracking my ass off after I left cause he looked so JELOUS. I also dropped so many pieces of info to his friend and gg blonde seemed really surprised about it, but he never asked me about much so ig he never really got to know me in much depth, my life is quite interesting actually and it would’ve been super fun for him to know more about it, but he never made the effort so now he’s ought to pay the price. Idk idk idk, I’m very happy with this situation and I can’t wait to see if he mentions something relating to this next time we see each other. Probably will be along this week. I’ll keep you updated

[fictionfixations]

part 2 of the new book 7 update cause i have more mystium

spoilers of course part 1

part 3 the final part

the way i just got the widest smile at this

anyway i forgot to mention it last post but knowing that they were just kinda left alone while everyone went to nrc makes me really sad. like first silver and sebek without lilia and malleus (they have sebbies family tho)

and then silver left next year. sebek all alone. he has his family still but like. man. gone for a year.

and in that time he was alone he got his signature spell and worked hard on it not wanting any of them to know about it until he got better at it, but it also meant that they never knew he could do that because they werent there and im just sad :( and it sometimes makes me wish at least silver and sebek were the same age so they couldve gone the same year and sebek didnt have to be without their company for so long

fshuidf i clicked past it like a dumbass but heres anther instance of baur saying he'll swallow them whole similar to sebek's battle start line

going to cry now because what the fuck 100k hp i hate myself my strongest units are really low hp BEAT THEIR ASS GEN LILIA oh my god they do so much damage im going to cry good news is i dont think theres another battle after this so this is.. fine.

and this time i didnt head straight to it and miss all the buffs from like the camps and stuff 💀 also i actually have more built cards this time before this i only had like one other casualty, that being the dorm sebek they give you (i only managed to have him duo off of gen lilia once and then i never got the spells to line up after that and then he died). so now its my whole team + dorm sebek thanking myself for leveling the spells of the other riddles i got that i did for no reason other then cause i like riddle (no intention of actually using them considering i already have a perfectly fine dorm riddle) LMFAO also thank battlemap for letting you bring a shit ton of characters. i havent used epel in forever 😭(rook is also VERY underleveled lmfao)

also im a dumbass i kept using the healing spells first turn.. ..but it didnt even do anything because i need to take damage first so its like. why did i do that. did i think id get my health lost in a previous battle back..?????

😱

aww the sparkles bruhs accomplished his lifes dream and i am here for it 👍

NOO GUYS LISTEN TO HIMM

he gave us his cloak 🥺

know i said id set my homescreen to sebek but... this feels more fitting

i wish that you didnt have to complete a book to get the backgrounds. i want my book 7 backgrounds with the music :(((

like i want. the the the. yknow when silver is confident in lilias love for him again and in the background you hear like i think once upon a dream? or i saw a prince(?? idk the other name for it its just what ive heard) and i. i want that. it also played when we see the dawn knight in the the the area where you travel across dreams where he smiled and then faded away

i dont have lilias room so silver will have to do

i need two more mystium aghhhhh the wait is insufferable but since im almost finished im gonna wait before posting

i watched someone go through the story on jp and i just remember stressing out so bad because holy fuck what happened what do we do. like i was feeling that stress of AHH GOTTA GET EGG AWAY and worry over maleanor but now i know what happened so im a little less stressed. im still stressed in the sense of FUCK YOU FUCK YOU BATTLES but like.. im not hanging in suspense anymore

anyway i think im gonna end it after battlemap is finished and do another post for the chapters outside of battlemap. especially because i dont want to hit the image limit. i cant remember if theres another battlemap but i dont THINK there should be.

anyway questioning why im making another post when i ended first post pretty early and couldve edited it? because people whove already seen it wont see it again 💀 and i mean if they wanna see book 7 stuff when the update only happened like 3 hours ago then ok ill show you what i can and make it visible enough for you to notice in the event youve already seen the other post

anyway while im waiting for one more mystium im warning you that if you cried the last update, to prepare to cry again. book 7 is just really sad man.

okay im gonna stop it here on THIS post (i will still be playing) and keep an eye out for part 3 with the rest (assuming theres not more story then i can make images of)

[kozykricket]

VENT TIME WOAHH

holy shit am i just gonna never do anything? that i want to do?

because i really cant shake the scaredness of starting shit? and of trying new things? my avoidance is also quite just, annoyed at learning things with. effort n practice

and im convinced im just broken and unfixable in that department. that only a mythical gift could cure me of

but no, what i have to do is just do stuff without deliberating on it? thats

fuckin.. dumb

but also like, then i ask myself.. do i even give a crap about doing any of that? i dunno. maybe id just rather live a life where i dont chase any dreams. i dont think i want that, but it does seem easier. i want a life i… no, i dont know what i want. if i have dreams, i dont even know what they are. theres too many ways to live my life, and so rather than pick one, im picking none of them and all of them, at the same time

just

god. i hear advice to try new things, to just say fuck it. and i feel it! i know it to be true! but i just Cannot Give a Damn to do shit myself when . the prospect of starting things is like, the worst feeling in the universe. and where my motivation just lacks to consistently care for things

theres so much i care about, that i want to share and… make tangible in more ways than just rambling about it. ive wanted to for the past damn 6 years of my life. but…

i dont know. i just dont know. what am i even seeking in terms of a response? i clearly dont take advice. i hear advice or encouragement but it just ends up falling flat. all types - logical, positive, negative, whatever. i know i have potential. i know i can do it. i know its within my grasp. but

is it truly

i mean sure, yes it is. of course it is

but is it?

i just .. cant imagine having to go through all the stuff id have to go through if i actually committed to trying the things i wish to try. thats like,

lots

but i mean i do lots for other things!!! difference is i either absolutely Need to be doing those / am being told to

or it feels morally right

but maybe its also against my morals to not live to my potential!

but maybe the fear of being stuck deliberating on stuff forever, is also what keeps me stuck. the fear of how dumb my brain is. of not being able to control my motivation

anyways, best case is. ill just wait. ill wait for life to hit me really hard with a frying pan over my head. i know its coming. i just need to be hit hard enough. no im not gonna take this into my own hands. id much rather wait until regret approaches. i dont know

an object at rest stays at rest, and no one will change that except me. so no one will change that. im of the opinion that ill never be fixed and never start anything

no i dont want help. its fruitless. you really cant get to me. genuinely. you cannot. ive been encouraged so positively by extremely lovely people. it doesnt help.

[sadshitonmain]

DICEY I S DRUNK

Needdd to write my note before i ctb in a week ish so

Fuck u mom how dare you fucking give up on me. Picking new family and popping out kids like a goddamn pez dispenzer instead of like faking interest in shit i actully enjoy for five mins.

Same goes for dad but extra FUCK you for never visiting when you had the chance and extra extra fuck you for getting sick and losing what little ego you had left so you dont even recognize me anymore. Asshole move.

FUCK YOU EMILY GOD FUCK I LOVED YOU AND I ONLY FUCKING LEFT BC I KNEW I COULDNT STAY AWAY IF YOU EVER CALLED BACK AND IM STILL WAITING FOR IT 6 GODDAMN YEARS LATER. Im sorry too. I wish I'd had the help i needed before we tried to run away. I wish my wife coulda seen me at my best instead of my worst and ill never stop dreaming of a world where at least you're happy -even if itsone without me, Bc as far as i know you're probably dead and its all my fault. It never got better for me but at least im in control and hot now.

I'm sorry Sebastian. JP and FL and Kitsu. For my own good i shoulda stayed out of it. But at least i tried unlike you idiots. At least you had only one dead kid that year, if not for me there'd be two so fuck you. I just wanted to do some good for all my fuckups and i couldnt stand the idwa of another dead qu*er child. I miss you all, I hope missing me eats you alive.

To my new friends.

Skye, plz dont beat urself up over this one,.its my choice. Im not the same as her and you couldnt chamge anything, you just got caught in the crossfire.

Maddy, be smart be safe be yourself. Fuck someone and chase that femboy.

Thylia.. fuck you're the first real person ive met in a decade. I wish id met you sooner. Be strong.

Pip. Make a goddamn choice girl. Either be yourself or play it safe and be miserable. This life is hell and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. You still have a future, just be smart about it. Finish college, chase your passions. Transition quietly, practice looking how you want and move far the fuck away when its safe. Everyone goes through an ugly phase and thats fine. And seriously SERIOUSLY, just chill the fuck out and go with the flow.

No one else is worth mentioning. You all betrayed me. You all said id be nothing but a burnt out worthless fag and then you made that reality not me. I hate you all for it. Hopefully these bottles do me in.

Emi.. Alex.. whatever you go by now, howdy stranger. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry my ideas abt love and passion and loyalty were so fucked up.. it really was how i was raised and it still really was my fault. There isnt a day that goes by i dont wonder what would have happened had i stuck around for a few more days and let us both cool off. I was completely obsessed and jealous and who could really blame me, I clung to that stupid dream for dear fucking life for years and when i finally had the chance the world literally came crashing down around us. If not for covid, if not for SPDs fucking power trip, if not for how i was raised if not for how broken i was if I had just listened to you and respected you fuck our dream could have come true. I love you. I'll never love anyone else, I've always loved you since the day you were quietly introduced and sat in Mr. Baker's class across the room all those years ago. I knew then and I know now 14 years later that you were always my better half.

I hope eternity is real, I hope I suffer for it. This shitty trailer has been my exile for 4 years and in a week it will be my tomb.

In truth if id had any courage at all id have ended it a long time ago, but im a total goddamn coward even piss drunk on a work night. Im still praying you'll save me but i know it wont happen, it cant happen. I'll never change, I'll always be the crazy ex, always be another person that abused your trust and chased you across the city we were supposed to grow old in. I hate everything i was, and everything i had to be to survive and everything i am now. I don't blame you, i don't even hate you.

You were always right.

I still love you.

Dicey,

(Formerly Lusy, formerly Lyrah)

Fuck you all, i give up

[p-t-f-s]

everytime i make a new friend or i open up about shit it /always/ ends up at one point or another they say my life is like a tv show or i should write a book or pitch my life - like more a handful amount of times, like damn near every time i make a friend. and like. i wish they were wrong when i try to look objectively at what im telling them and not just. my life that i wake up and live and go to sleep with every day. but also like. thats also a looooooooooot of people ive met??? everyone has interesting and fun stories, but most of life is so similarly repetitive that we forget it more than we experience. also i do believe it is my autistic rizz. and ability to self sooth and parent.

[its all just personal life bitching/discussion/musings below]

anyways i wish life would be calm for like. a couple months pls. i know a year is too much to ask but literally this year has been a lot. like last year was a lot but it wasnt a fucking competition. getting my car stolen again, then losing my job in what was supposed to be my 5 year anniversary, and then finding out my uncle had stage 4 cancer. then it was spring break and i got to visit my cousing with a thankfully preplanned and prepayed vacation during the midst and height and she and her husband were like "heres our cocktail maker. get as drunk as you want" which was nice of them so i stayed tipsy half the time i was awake instead of high while in seattle. went to a wine tasting expo. got throw up drunk. my cousin was very impressed by my ability to keep my manners while drunk past my tits and wait to throw up till after id rolled the window down and stuck my head out. i was getting blackout drunk bc id apparently texted my friends i loved them which i had no recollection of doing considering my phone was actively dying while i was still only actually tipsy at that expo. i was also less stress then bc my car had been found. totalled, crashed and smashed in the front which thankfully i owed less than it was worth so they payout covered the downpayment for my new car. rip to not getting my personalized horse license plate with my name on it. then i get back home and my uncle is now dead and the whole family is in town for the funeral. its been a cascade of em for a few years now since my mom started the party back in 21.

by the viewing id started a new job for a week. close by home and only a dollar less than previously. they were asking a whole lot for shit pay in truth. and NOW. I FIND OUT THE JOB I STARTED WHILE TAKING A FRAUD ACCOUNTING CLASS. MIGHT BE VICTIM TO FRAUD. POSSIBLY SINCE INCEPTION AND IN THE MOST TERRIBLY HORRIBLY OBVIOUS WAY THAT JUST KEPT SLOWLY AND SLOWLY GETTING PEELED AND REVEALED. I love it when the head of one department tells me hes in cahoots with the head of another dpt and a few workers from their and others about the terrible company shit they found and are kinda looking at other jobs. ofc he did say that after i said to his face that i was spending a bit every morning applying to other jobs after learning of the possible fraud VIA OUR """CONSULTING CFO""" having been previously convicted of fraud. twice. over a decade between convictions. were getting drinks later this week for him to tell me everything else hes found and lurked about in the system. and how no one understands what accounting is or does or how i actually spend half or most of my day playing solitaire or watching anime. bc they want me to be a controller but are calling and paying me at the clerk level. so thats what they get. i love the phrase act your wage.

theres still so many other things that have happened this year too that i still havent mentioned. like the moon hole. passive aggressive fighting with my upstairs neighbor who said i was "delusional and fucking hallucinating" bc i said he stomps in the middle of the night. and literally as i typed that there he went above my head at. ah. 10:58 pm. since my second talking to him in march i know ive not been the only one to talk to him about his shaking the goddamn foundations of the building or waking the toddler constantly in the apartment next to his, diagonal from mine. the surprise birthday party my friends threw for me after literally freightening me when i came home with surprise and each giving me different hearfelt and attentive gifts of all my different interests. weekly dinners with my dad on the same days he was court ordered to have my older siblings and i during the week as he lives 10 minutes away taking care of our grandfather. hes the only reason i get updates on my older sisters life as she blocked me on all social media and cut me from her life before our mothers death for our differing political beliefs. infighting truly is the death of leftists as out beliefs were always closer together than to that of our very republican parents. but im also not an american government shoe loving authority cuck like most the rest of em. "you know what its like to be a minority bc you were a literal minority of being white kids going to a majority black school in the city." to my fucking FACE. not only is that incredibly dismissive on so many levels but like with how LEGITIMATELY my siblings took and NOODED THEIR HEADS?????? TO IT. truly fiction is a joke compared to life.

anyways this is the most any of you will ever get from me here on tumblr in months, good luck to any of my followers seeing this who were unaware i am a person and wassup to my mutuals entirely unaware of my life and smooches to my dear dear friends who are all very aware of all of this. everyone else. idgaf, this was for me to vent and proclaim. bc i lay down in my bed with my cat looking very disappointed that im not asleep despite how late it is and i have to go to sleep keeping all of that with me for the rest of my life. oh it may not stay close, it may not be completely there by the end, but i know i will always be aware even more so than before when i was living out of my car, of what i keep in and am willing to leave in and with it. I have somehow kept that cute little cactus my friend gave my for my birthday alive still, i now have a whole wall of plants that ive kept alive for over a year, and i plant to keep that as long as I can. I have presents and gifts and memories that i plan to look fondly on tomorrow and the day after and the day after that and so on. afterall. I need to check on my plants and water them, and feed my cat. everyday a tragedy happens and still i must feed my cat. my mother was dying, and still i had to feed my cat. was she suffering? no, she was not even there anymore to be suffering and still i must go home and feed my cat and sleep and wake up and there is my cat to welcome my mornings after guarding my nights, a clear agreement that she must be fed once pleased with her pettings. my elder sister blocked me and cut me from her life before our mothers death and even during she did not change, strong in her stance and belief not even grief would change or ease her foundations. nor would my grief stop my cat from being fed. every day i wake and sleep with all these things and one day my cat will die. and i will grieve. and it will not be her that gets me through it, but she will never be parted from me again. i will wake up and make the same sleepy motions that indicate her morning ritual that will not be performed. my day will be as different and as same as it was before. i will sleep and i will wake with it all and i will meet someone new and tell them the first time i really got into energy drinks was after getting a whole case for being a smartass at 7am to emergency driving instructors. that i only started drinking coffee bc a boy who liked me worked at starbucks and so gave me a large giftcard and an in to getting my first job at starbucks. you never know why or how somethings started.

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Dave Strider, Karkat Vantas

Candy, page 19

JADE: how cute do you guys think johns baby is going to be

JADE: like on a scale of 1-11???

DAVE: i dunno

DAVE: i still havent come to terms with the fact that johns gonna be a dad

JADE: you dont think hell be a good one?

DAVE: i didnt say that but ok since you asked

DAVE: i mean think about it if you were gonna rank us in order of maturity based on all the years weve known each other

DAVE: about where would you put john

KARKAT: BELOW ME BUT ABOVE YOU.

DAVE: yeah exactly

DAVE: now hes all married and pregnant and hes got a mustache

KARKAT: I’M STILL NOT OVER THE FUCKING MUSTACHE.

JADE: why not he looks so good!!

DAVE: yeah he looks disturbingly good

DAVE: i almost cant talk to him anymore it looks so good

JADE: ohhhhh?

DAVE: jesus jade dont fuckin read into it

DAVE: a bro can appreciate how attractive his bro has become and maybe get a little breathless at the sight of his chiseled jawline and manly facial hair without being gay about it

DAVE: ive just been thinking lately everytime i see him that hes

DAVE: ok dont make fun of me for saying this but its like

DAVE: johns a Man

DAVE: not a lowercase m man but a fully grown up legit fuckin Dude with a leather briefcase and a suit that he only wears on special occasions

KARKAT: PRETTY FUCKED UP.

DAVE: i know right

JADE: hmmmm...

JADE: well...

JADE: ive actually been thinking lately about how since rose and kanaya had a kid and jane and jake had a kid and john and roxy are gonna have a kid.......

JADE: what would you think if maybe...

JADE: ....we had kids???

KARKAT: WHAT

KARKAT: WHO? YOU AND DAVE?

JADE: no stupid all three of us!

DAVE: uhhh

JADE: what??

DAVE: uhhhhhhh

JADE: look i know there are “issues” to sort out in terms of um....... feasibility

JADE: but i think there are a lot of options to consider!

JADE: maybe someone can help us out

JADE: like.... someone we know?

JADE: or i dont know! what about adoption!

JADE: that could be cute! adopting a little grub!! aww...

JADE: or a human! whatever! im not picky

DAVE: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

KARKAT: UHHHHHH IS FUCKING RIGHT.

KARKAT: JADE, DON’T YOU READ THE NEWSPAPERS?

KARKAT: THE NEW ADMINISTRATION IS CRACKING DOWN ON CERTAIN KINDS OF INTERSPECIES ADOPTION LAWS.

KARKAT: IF YOU’RE SO INTENT ON IT BEING “THE THREE OF US,” WE LITERALLY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ADOPT A HUMAN CHILD BECAUSE THE HUMAN ADMINISTRATION IS AFRAID THAT I’D...

KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.

KARKAT: TEAR INTO IT, AND FEAST ON ITS ORGANS.

KARKAT: AND IN THAT KIND OF POLITICAL CLIMATE? WELL, I’M NOT SURE IT’S A WORLD I WOULD WANT TO RAISE A TROLL CHILD IN RIGHT NOW.

DAVE: jokes on them ive never seen you tear into anything more complicated than a microwave dinner

KARKAT: I KNOW, RIGHT?

DAVE: i mean on the other hand if we adopt a kid young enough it would totally fit in the microwave

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE. I’M NOT GONNA EAT OUR THEORETICAL BABY.

DAVE: yeah dude i know

DAVE: youre probably like closet dad of the fuckin year

DAVE: just waiting for his moment to shine

DAVE: i bet youd whine and complain about getting a kid til we actually brought junior home

DAVE: the moment you saw his chubby lil cheeks your face would light right up

JADE: oh... i can imagine the look on karkats face right now

JADE: heheh

DAVE: yeah you know exactly the one

DAVE: like how he looks when his hot pocket finishes cooking in the microwave

DAVE: which he understands is an instrument of food preparation

DAVE: and not some sort of grim infant warming device

KARKAT: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING IT BACK TO THE MICROWAVE?

DAVE: oh

DAVE: cause i had more jokes to make about the subject

KARKAT: OF COURSE. GOD FORBID JADE AND I ARE NOT FORCED TO LISTEN TO EVERY LETTER OF YOUR MORBID INTERNAL DIALOGUE.

DAVE: whatever you love it

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: on the baby in the microwave front

KARKAT: GOD

DAVE: id be more worried about me being the one whod do the deed so to speak

DAVE: i mean its not like ive got a great demonstrative background in child rearing or anything

DAVE: considering all the places i got left as a kid i wouldnt be surprised if id just put our baby in the toaster by accident or something

DAVE: like if you tally up the amount of hours i spent locked in the fridge compared to the amount of hours i spent in the american school system learning how to be normal and do polynomials

DAVE: just sayin it looks dire

JADE: .....

KARKAT: ...

DAVE: yeah so anyway im gonna stick to hot pockets i think

JADE: dave

JADE: you really think youd make that bad a father?

JADE: even with me and karkat helping you?

DAVE: eh dont take this personally but im an evidence based hypothesis kinda guy and so far three way relationships in our friend group attempting parenthood...

DAVE: the record aint so lookin so good

DAVE: just saying

DAVE: a clown a fascist and a male sex icon walk into a bar sounds like the start of a bad but funny joke

DAVE: but when its the start of a family thats when it gets a bit less funny to me

DAVE: poor little dude gonna be fucked up

JADE: oh come on dave

JADE: tavros is a cute kid!

KARKAT: SURE, HE IS *NOW*.

DAVE: the moment cognitive function starts firing off in that kids head hes gonna be scarred for life

JADE: we dont KNOW that

DAVE: jade i know jakes like your bestie

DAVE: and also your grandfather

DAVE: and also kinda your grandson

DAVE: oh also your fucking dad i guess

DAVE: but his relationship is bad

JADE: hey... thats...

JADE: not NECESSARILY true...

KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT, IT’S NOT FUCKING TRUE.

KARKAT: DAVE’S JUST BEING GENTLE HERE TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS.

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT MERELY “BAD”

KARKAT: HIS RELATIONSHIP IS A FLAMING WRECK OF AN INTERSTELLAR WARSHIP HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET AT TERMINAL VELOCITY WITH THE ENTIRE CREW BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED UPON REENTRY, SHOVED STRAIGHT DOWN THE CHAGRIN TUNNEL AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SHAT OUT THE OTHER SIDE, THUS FLOODING THE ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN IT CLOGS UP THE LOAD GAPER.

JADE: ...its not like i dont know that

JADE: john never shuts up about it

JADE: i mean, he and jane used to be close back when we all first met but last time i talked to john he....

JADE: well, he accused her of “raping” jake

DAVE: oh shit

KARKAT: YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

JADE: its not like i dont worry about jake but come on!

JADE: were all adults

JADE: what am i supposed to do? show up at his window dressed like the blue fairy and whisk him away from his terrible life??

JADE: maybe that would work for a few days, but one thing i learned from dating around a lot in my youth is that no ones going to leave a bad relationship until its THEIR idea to leave

JADE: its...

JADE: ME???

DAVE: holy shit

KARKAT: WHAT IN THE EVER LIVING FUCK?

DAVE: uh

DAVE: good question

DAVE: idk but we should probably get her some help

KARKAT: HELP? FOR WHAT??

KARKAT: IT LOOKS LIKE HER INTERNAL ORGANS ARE OBLITERATED. SHE’S COVERED IN MORE BLOOD THAN I THOUGHT HUMANS EVEN HAD INSIDE THEM.

DAVE: well we cant just leave her in this fuckin hole man

DAVE: come on gimme a hand

KARKAT: JADE?

KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??

KARKAT: WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THIS

DAVE: hey jade you hear us

DAVE: jade???

JADE: yes dave i heard you

JADE: i need to talk to jane

[warriorfujoshi]

so my brains been real fucked up since i got covid near the end of last year and since then ive been in a slush-like mental state where some days i can barely read. plus my physical health which has always been kinda shite is also not doing great. i developed like 2 new tummy-based issues it is that serious fr. its been really hard living on my own in a different country where i have basically no irl support system bc i have no friends due to a genuinely unlikeable personality. ive also been trying to take medication for adhd for the first time and due to my psych being a genuine quack its been fucking me up crazy style with unknown impacts on my physical health too. so like i had a huge breakdown basically 21 years in the making and my mom came to visit and make sure im not fucking dying and im a bajillion assignments behind on every subject so were currently trying to apply to withdraw so i dont get failures on my record. and when that goes through im applying for a leave of absence. and when THAT goes through im packing my shit up and returning to my home country for like a year for various treatments and such. but nothing is guaranteed and i just have to wait. ummm… it fucking sucks. its better than how id get treated by the system back home but ohhh it sucks. no one even cares but i just feel really pathetic these days for the burden im putting on my family and for disappointing all my teachers. i wish i could draw and get excited over my ocs again. i cant really remember much anymore. i wish someone could have noticed and helped me way before all of this, but perhaps its on me for never being that good at asking for help or crying. hahaha.

[blackvail22]

i talk here a bunch each day because i have no one else to talk to.

its sad, honestly.

i couldnt go to my counseling appointment, so i wont be able to see her again for another 2 weeks

thats nearly a month since ive seen her

im not doing very well so this isnt good at all lmao

idk how im going to make it another 2 weeks but all i can do is try ...

i think i start work again next week. im afraid of what has changed... probably not a lot. all i know is we have a new manager, and ive heard he's nice

i have a postop appt on tuesday for my tonsillectomy. finally i will have what my disease means explained to meeee. i keep thinking about it, and its been bothering me. i probably wont know if i have another surgery until after my next ct scan (they have to space them out so i dont get exposed to too much radiation and i had one less than a month ago) and idk when that is

im so bored. i have to be the problem

i really think i am

"my friends wont reach out" but when i reach out its super dry and they varely engage. maybe im seeing it in the wrong perspective. maybe my vision is skewed, and im seeing it in the wrong light.

maybe its because theyre busy

maybe at work

going to work

hanging out with other friends

going to hang out with other friends

i want to have a good friend group so bad but i feel like i cant have one

i feel like my only friend was em even though she used me. oh, i dont know if i ever told u the reason why we arent friends anymore

so, i dont have the best memory of the order everything happened, but ill do my best to sort it out

after spending a bunch of time together, we started to fade away. i would ask her if she wanted to spend the night, she would hesitate for a good 30 minutes, talk to her mom, and then say "sure". sometimes she wouldnt wait until we ate dinner (but a good amount of times she did) until shed say "oh i forgot something at home" or "my stomach hurts" and id walk to her house with her (except the times when she'd tell me not to).

when i walked with her, she would always say "ill be right back" and then shed be gone for 10 minutes and her mom would come out and be like "hey... she doesnt feel well so she's going to say home". and each time i would walk home crying. at this point, she was already blowing me off, not talking to me, and overall being rude, but i still went back to her every time.

this rare occasion was in early september of 2017. we only hung out, and then she said she had someone else shes hanging w at her house. she had become friends with people that hated my sister as well as a girl that honestly no one knows. em started to become them... like literally she became a copy of them. the whole group of girls would tell her that my sister is a fat, ugly whore. they fed her all of this, and they would talk and call my sister names and generally talk shit about her

a few days after i heard abt this, i saw things from em that she was having a hard time. i was outside doing yard work, and she was walking by. i said "hey, i hope you feel better" and she yelled "fuck you" at me while, again, giving me the finger.

i dont know what i did, but that was the last time in years that we would talk to each other. we would be "friends" on the bus the few days she went to school sophomore year...

now, though? i dont exist to her. i saw her at my work TWICE this past year, once being on my recent birthday, and she pretended she didnt know me. i look the same as i did before... this most recent time, she was with her boyfriend, one of the friends from '17 and her mom. as i greeted them, everyone looked over except her... her mom even did a double take.

she claims she doesnt know why our friendship went to shit when we were toxic to each other our whole friendship. it was never healthy.

she seems to be happy though, at least happier than me. shes pregnant again. im not sure of the gender, but i think its going to be a boy. she's always wanted to be a mom, so i hope shes a good one.