#ive veered off topic i think

[fadedsyzygy]

am I masking? I don't think its right to self diagnose these kinds of things, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm myself when I'm with other people, and I wonder why

[torialefay]

Thank you for saying what ive been thinking omfg.

Chris does everything he can. There's very few people in kpop that exudes the vibe that they love music and making music as much as he does. Being an idol is what he worked so hard to get and im pretty sure hes implied time and time again and even explicitly said that he wouldn't want to live if he couldnt be an artist (and that bleeds into shy he loves the kids so much, but thats veering off topic). Im just constantly baffled how many people want him to throw it all away (bc idk how harsh jype would punish him), you know, just tossing out his reason to live, to talk about the war. Yes, absolutely. There are so, so many people dying because of this war, and its truly horrifying, but how many people screaming at him are willing to do what they're demanding of him and the kids? I always see people talking numbers and statistics, but rarely do i ever see someone talk realism. There are plenty of people who could spend their time going out to find ways to help Palestine instead of going online to yell at 8 men who got famous for their music and anyone who supports them. Some of yall have never listened to "antivist" by bmth and it shows.

Yeah, Chris looked so tired in that recent clip and just in general tbh (same for the rest of the kids). Everytime i see a clip of Chris when he said "im going to protect every single one of you" or when hes being super flirty and trolling or recently when he said he cant fix all of their problems, i just think "this man is going through what i went through, just 5 years later than i did." I literally have done all that, but instead of to a massive fanbase, it was to my friends, lmao. Being fiercely protective and wanting your friends to feel comfortable enough to lean on you, especially since they've been so good to you, but its turned into exhaustion bc you met some people who took mad advantage of your love and now youve gotta set some boundaries and limits. Unfortunately, he's an idol, so setting hard boundaries can be difficult without someone saying he's too cold and uncaring with fans or something bc we know just how fair the media can be when it comes to Chris🙄 i aint know him personally and never will, but if my interpretation of those clips are true and if this trend continues, he'll hopefully find peace and a decent balance with mental health in about 5 years time🥲

i really REALLY hope so. i'm not gonna lie, it surprised me like a week or two ago when chris said on bubble: "i feel like my enfj is slowly becoming intj hahaha". literally going from what is supposed to be one of the most expressive & involved mbti's to one that is most associated with being less interactive and more reserved/cold when meeting people. i don't want to say intj's are hardened, i don't think it's like that. but maybe that they just have a harder shell. which makes me really sad. it makes me think he's getting so burnt out by being the one that's always there for everyone that he's slowly needing to draw back to himself.

i hope that whatever happens, he's becoming his most genuine self. but i also hope that he isn't turning one way or another simply because of what's been expected of him. he's so good to us & it hurts to think that he'd have to change bc of stays. but if it's not due to that, then i'm happy that he's doing what he needs to do & i hope he can feel okay with setting boundaries for himself 🫶🏼

[lazaruspiss]

Ok I’m gonna shoot my question here while you are in a analysis red hood mode (??): what do you think about his mommy issues (and fandom’s making it a trope)?

ooooo oh ok ok. this ones touchy. while i dont think its that present in canon i do think its there and worth the however many fics there are about it. like obvi theres probably a lot of boring and/or bad takes about it but the concept itself isnt running contradictory to canon or anything. i reread aditf a bit for this and had some tangents ill put in another post, but back to mommy issues.

jason had very little parental presence in his life at all. dads in prison, moms sick, he has no one looking out for him. probably why he and bruce seem to have bonded fairly quickly and jason accepted him as a father figure faster than any of the others. jasons bar for what makes a decent parent was nonexistent bc hed never really had someone dedicated to taking care of him. (even damian was hesitant, bc bruce being his dad would create distance between him and dick bc dick would no longer be his mentor, and hed gotten a bit attached)

jason accepted bruce as a father, but still missed his parents. he loved and grieved for both of them and most likely missed the idea of having normal parents in general in addition to missing his parents themselves. his love for his mom is still there when he realizes shes his step-mom instead, but it's accompanied by the hope that he still has living family out there.

the fact that jason went on a mom hunt in the first place is already enough that im like, yeah, i see where the mommy issues talk comes from. but i think you can go a few different directions with it

so theres catherine todd, who we only really know as being sick and a substance user throughout jasons childhood up until her death. iirc she died while willis was either already dead or in prison and so theres a period of time where jason (10-12ish?) would be taking care of his mother alone. being your mother's caretaker when you're still in elementary school does not make for a normal relationship.

and sheila haywood was uh. an illegal surgeon of sorts who fled the country and started a new life. apparently had an existing connection to the joker when she lived in gotham. he knows who she is and he knows how to blackmail her. while sheila describes it to jason as an operation gone wrong, joker calls it an "illegal surgery that killed a teenage girl" and sheila didnt seem to dispute that. probably watered down a lot of details in her explanation to jason. (the combination of 'illegal' and 'teenage girl' feels like it could imply an abortion? but it's left vague) and THEN it turns out she was stealing money meant to be used to save starving refugees before the joker even showed up. she sure is something. she still tries to help jason after he helps her, but don't skip over the part where she helps him after he helps her. she is still a person, but she is a fundamentally selfish person in every way. her final words include her commenting on how jason was a good kid who loved his mother. ive seen people take her final moments as a show that she still loved him, but i don't see it. one of those "a person doing a fraction of a good thing doesnt absolve them of everything else" kind of deals.

in both cases jasons mother(s) were relying on him. he never had an opportunity to be cared for and treated like a child. i don't think jason would have specific "mommy issues" about either of them, i think that he'd have some heavy feelings about the concept of a mother itself. what's it like to have a mom? does he still have a chance to be cared for and nurtured? his childhood was over before he had even met batman. becoming robin and being murdered is just tripling the issues he would've already had about his childhood regardless.

this is starting to veer off topic but

yes im finding a way to make this about Brothers in Blood. bite me. but even the first time i read this something that really stuck out is how jasons imaginary version of dick refers to him as a kid. dick doesnt really... do that. he did back when jason really was a kid, but this page says a lot about jasons self perception. he still wants to be taken care of, even if its not specifically "mommy issues" he definitely yearns for a chance to be treated like a kid again, after having rarely gotten that kind of care when he was a kid. (this page in particular is the first page of nightwing (1996) #121, which is one that i have a physical copy of <3)

[silviatheorbit]

IVE SWITCH album review

This is one of the most well-rounded, consistent albums I've (hehe) heard in K-pop. It's an immediate 10/10. The album has an overarching arc ( in my interpretation).

IVE is a tiger with a cold, blue heart that is slowly melted by love. Heya and Accendio show how they are able to cast spells to lure people before (metaphorically) eating them. In Ice Queen, we learn that IVE acts aloof and uninterested even when words hurt. Their heart is closed off, even when they cast their spell they are pretending.

However, in WOW, IVE begins to fall in love unwillingly. Whether they actually confess depends on how you interpret the last track, Reset.

One interpretation is that the person they fell in love with in WOW broke their heart and now they are "resetting" to their cold mode now that their trust is broken.

Another interpretation is that Reset is kind of a flashback, explaining the backstory to why they stopped trusting people and became an Ice Queen in the first place. Either way (heh), I love when albums have a cohesive storyline. This may become my favorite album of the year!

But before I rate the tracks individually,

Track 1: Heya

Rating: 10/10

IVE almost never misses with title tracks, and Heya just proves this! This sounds like someone bottled the best parts of K-pop into a bottle and mixed it together. I especially love the bridge, just when the main hook of the song gets boring, the song veers into new territory. The song interpolates No Diggity by Blackstreet. Since I hadn't heard this song before I listened to Heya (being gen-z), I can't really speak on the original vs. new. I will say however, they arranged the sample in a way that was pretty seamless. I only knew it was a sample because of prior research for this review. This might become my favorite IVE title track, we'll see!

Track 2 : Accendio

(note: this review was posted before the Accendio m/v came out)

Rating: 8.5/10

I feel this song had so much potential, but ultimately fell a little flat. This is really clear in the chorus, if the chords (help i don't know music terminology) were a little louder it would have added more substance to the sparse chorus. The verses are also not my favorite. However, the pre-chorus and the post-chorus (!) is where the song really shines. It's also what made me give the track an 8.5. However, I would also like to highlight the lyrics (this should be its own segment at this point - me ranting about lyrics).

Dear priest I have a confession to make

Pupils dyed with colors never seen before That emotion is pure, that gaze is love

Swirl two fingers Show you a sweet curse Let them B-U-R-N, yeah

If you want to see the rest, just search it up. I'm truly impressed with these lyrics. But before I get too distracted, lets move on.

Track 3: Blue Heart

9/10

I've (ha) noticed a lot with this album, the verses seem so lackluster compared to the chorus which feels much more fleshed out. This track especially, I wish the rest of the song sounded more like the chorus. I don't have a lot more to say, but the track is pretty good.

aaaaaand now...introducing the Lyrics segment lol.

Poppin' that reddish one then blooms blue heart Blooming in blue Give you that frozen smile with my blue heart Softly crush it underfoot

Cynical, cynical, a bit colder Typical, typical, comfortably Skeptical, skeptical No matter how much I try to heat up, I'm— Blue

Wonyoung's lyrics are so interesting! I think the interpretation people seem to agree on is that Wonyoung is talking about how she must remain aloof and unfazed despite the overwhelming hate she gets on a daily basis. While the topic is certainly interesting, what really fascinates me is how Wonyoung makes such a somber topic sound poetic, comparing the hate to a red flower she crushes under her foot. The personal lyrics really make me connect more with the song.

Track 4: Ice Queen

Rating: 10/10

New favorite song unlocked?? It's not just the addicting melody, but the production is in such a way that I can imagine the concept of the song without even knowing the title. The nature sounds in the beginning and the cracking sound effects makes me feel like an actual queen in a castle. I love the concept of this song enough that I almost wish it was a title track or at least had an m/v. I won't add a lyric segment, but just know I really, really, really wanted to because the lyrics to this one really resonated with me. Also, the haunting ad-libs by Liz (?) add to the whole vibe.

Track 5: WOW

Rating: 8/10

This track is quite cute, but compared to the other songs not as good. This slice-of-life type is not my favorite, but the percussion made it much more interesting. It reminds me a bit of Lips from their previous album. The lyrics are nice tho, and fit the theme of the album.

Track 6: Reset

Rating: 8.5/10

A blessing on my ears, this one. Sweet until you look at the lyrics. I love the main hook and this will be going on my playlist for sure. A good closer, the choice to not make it a ballad seems intentional. Even though the lyrics are about getting over a breakup, IVE breaks the typical mold of it being a ballad. It's gentle, but not overly emotional (fits the ice queen theme!).

Closing thoughts: Perfection! Absolute perfection. IVE has done it again, I can't wait to see the concept for the Accendio M/V on May 15. Stan IVE!

[nahalism]

I'm not the same anon that sent that question. You didn't speak on the stalking element I'd love to get insight on it thought because I find myseldg oing to my ex's page even when I shouldn't and it never turns up to be a good idea. Thank you sm

heyy. i didnt answer it cause i havent got lived experience with that. at most i tend to be overly nostalgic or over romanticise the past in my mind but i dont actively lurk. i think ive said smthing similar to this before, but i veer more toward cutting people off. im only just learning how to exit more neutrally & not be so calloused or extreme, but cause im at the other end of the spectrum dont feel like i have the authority to say anything particularly insightful on that topic.

——— im actually curious, if anyone sees this & has experience with it id love to learn. i feel like stalking someone im not over or that i miss would just cause so much pain and anguish in me? idk, the thought actually makes my belly hurt :S cant cope

[nat-alianovnaromanova]

this poem reminded me of bucky barnes (i just got into marvel comics like a few months ago lmao). particularly wrt nat. and of course the dog coding of both of them is very interesting to me also. dog as in a tool dog as in a loyal servant dog as in devoid of identity except for their place as a cog in the machine. what do you think?

ohhhhh i love u for this. hm yes obviously this is more bucky than nat but sidebar it has echos of younger nat in the red room/when she first starts out as black widow. i dont think she is as pathetically beaten down as ws bucky bc she’s never had her autonomy & personhood completely stripped away like him so she is not a tool like he is. like yes she’s had her memories altered and tampered with but essentially she could always think for herself and so she could always pick up and go. but when she was younger not really she just wanted to be a good little spy, ergo the dog, until she escapes the kgb and becomes the fugitive dog never to be chained again. however

the winter soldier is literally a nameless dog on a leash. they kick him when he whines. he sits and waits and speaks when he is spoken to and rolls over when he is told to. and it is all insanely brutal and violent but it is all he knows so he thinks ah well this is how the world works!!!! i am either going to be thoroughly violated or completely ignored!!! and so i must be Good and Obedient. good cog in machine. good soldier. and again its literally all he knows. and when i say knows i mean … idk how to explain it but essentially he’s cognitively impaired as the soldier: brainwashing + drugs + cryostasis have obviously done a number on him! and when he’s only let out for hours at a time before being shut back in—which means he can barely begin to comprehend his surroundings let alone figure out a way to approach them—he behaves very mechanically. very doglike in that he obeys cues (ie sit shake roll etc). so over time he is conditioned to only behave in the ways his superiors like (follow this man. kill this woman. mission report. stand over there and don’t speak. or actually no come here us have fun with the good little soldier) bc it gets him the desired reaction: no reaction! to him no reaction = he’s been good and loyal. so bucky is chained. no control whatsoever. and it's learned behavior. when nat happens he's very ill-equipped to deal with her bc she wants him to speak and she doesn't give a shit about his being good and loyal. which is ironic because she is the only time bucky ever WANTS to be good and loyal to another person!! so here he needs to learn different behavioral patterns to earn the 'no reaction' which in nat's case IS reaction. sorry i feel like im explaining this wrong + ive veered off the dog topic. going back to that - the last part of the poem about the dog learning to love is VERY bucky during and after his time as the winter soldier. because he is essentially learning love from nat he thinks love is like. a smile. and he has no idea how to get it so he whatever he tries that works is the thing he relies on - and he does it again again again in the hopes that it will earn him love. he's like when you feed a stray once bc you felt bad and he keeps coming back even though you try to kick him away. so with the black widow he's like. when a dog brings you a dead bird and expects to be praised for it bc he knows no better. and anyway character thesis for the winter soldier is that he's treated more like an animal than a person. he is an attack god foaming at the mouth. someones sharpened his teeth for him but all the biting and snapping is his own. no one gives a shit about his identity or his wellbeing beyond serving his purpose which is to be a good loyal soldier. ergo dog. during recovery bucky becomes soooo pathetic about wanting to be good and loyal. essentially he curls up at the foot of nat/steves bed and waits for one of them to pet him. but also he pretends he doesn't want to be pet so that neither of them can see the extent to which he is desperate for it.

ALSO obviously there is love as biting. like digging into the flesh is an act of affection. where the black widow and the winter soldier think that love is like. hey i killed someone for u! here's the severed head :) circling back to the dog with the bird in its maw. circling back to trying to learn kindness and coming back for the hope of it even after they've been let down (by one another or the red room/hydra or wtv). they get one (1) mildly affectionate gesture and it drives them crazy forever.

anyway in conclusion bucky and nat are specifically dog coded in different ways. nat is more rabid. she is the kind of dog who bites first and back. she bites for fun! (otherwise she risks being bit and she is much too wary to let that happen.) bucky only bites back and that is out of fear. they are both always scared & poised to attack. bucky only knows to wait for scraps. nat digs in the trash for her own. bucky and the winter soldier are also dog coded in different ways. bucky is more of the pathetic one sitting in the foyer while the ws is the one who barks and bites and gives u rabies until one good kick turns him into a curled up whiny puppy. hope this helps!

[rigginsstreet]

Bethany deleted her blog so I can’t provide the article about her talking about depression but it did rub me the wrong way. I didn’t like her attitude towards it.

I’m off social media and I don’t listen to the drama queens podcast but maybe things are different now.

she definitely does not... have a mainstream way of thinking. i'll say that. and im not even saying thats necessarily a bad thing because shes made some points i agree with or at least understand where shes coming from. but i can also easily see her having viewpoints that would upset people

even on the podcast when theyre discussing characters and storylines ive noticed (and other people have too) that hilarie and sophia tend to be more in agreement on something where joy will be the one to offer an alternative take (and honestly? i tend to agree with joy because hilarie and sophia have the most god awful takes on that show.... i mean joy has also not given the best takes but out of the 3 shes the only one im ever remotely agreeing with ever. and i say this as a hilarie stan)

where was i going with this.... anyway, i dont think joys talked much on the podcast about like her own personal opinions on like depression and shit just because thats... not the place to do that? theyre talking about the show and sometimes they veer off into other topics but i say all this to say idk what joys personal beliefs are at this present point in time. i follow her on social media and havent come across anything as of yet to fire off warning bells so, theres that. idk. maybe we'll get more insight with her book that i am definitely buying but also may take me years to read lol

[mangoisms]

I know dc would never do this but. please let jason go to college so he can have civilian friends. I think them not knowing would be fine but imagine they do and you get a group text from your friend that just says "can't come over for board game night, got shot in the leg, kick ass at monopoly for me"

oh yeah! i think we need to have more civilian characters in the fold for one, because the relationship between civilians and vigilantes — especially if they know of someone’s identity — is just so interesting to explore. particularly when it comes to the bats. it’s definitely possible too, tim had recurring civilian friends in robin 1993 like ives, callie, hudson. i’m sure that’s not the case with current comics because again. gestures to dc not wanting to nurture civilian relationships with the bats and in general keep them constrained.

but for jason, veering off topic just a little but also not really since i also agree that he should go to college— i’m a big fan of the idea of him just leaving vigilantism entirely (gestures to my meta tag which is full of stuff for him). of course he’d have to have a final coming to jesus moment about all the things he’s done and want to remedy it, which i don’t think is far off from his character At All but would definitely piss off the dudebros and Never Happen Ever 🫤 but still!!! i personally like to have him realize that and want to go to school for nursing or to become an emt (influenced by talia since i also like to give him a good platonic relationship) or idk to go in-line with more fandom representations for him, become an english teacher! and he can have friends!!! and A Life separate from bruce and the others!!!! we can have So Much…..

[witch-lock]

My Brain, softly and with regret: why. did you have to choose. the most Extra song choice for your audition that consistently remains in the high belt when literally any other song in your book could show off belting without being So

Me, the one who thinks doing the Most is the only way to be considered as someone with potential and also maybe deep down is a bit of an attention heaux but more importantly someone who needs the danger of failing at the Most for adrenaline kix:

:^)

[wiihtigo]

Could you talk more about sam and max being autistic idk I just like hearing your thoughts about it your doc was cool

you come to me on the day of my daughters wedding and ask me about sam and max autism headcanons, forcing me to open tumblr and start writing what ive been thinking recently about maxs autism in relation to him in 305

i talked about this in private a bit but i think 305 could be taken as an allegory for maxs giant autism and thinking you dont feel things the right way with ASD

-max turns into a giant horrible monster in 305, this could be taken as him literally seeing himself as a monster and the whole town, all their friends, see him as such and want him DEAD all except sam whos constantly vouching for max this entire episode. at the end when superego was like "wow! max is actually capable of self sacrifice! amazing!" sam says "told you so." very smug because he knew all along, he always knew max was capable of kindness and love because he sees it firsthand every day!

theyre partners and best friends, of course he knows him better than he knows himself. Literally in this case, where superego, personification of part of maxs brain, thinks hes not capable of feeling things in a normal, proper way, max doesnt think that about HIMSELF, superegos issue with max (maxs issue with himself lol) is that he thinks hes capable of more and max is just ignoring him he says specifically hes tried to push max towards the finer things in life and being more proper (max trying to push himself? talking about max and superego as separate when theyre essentially the same is so hard #HELP.) he thinks hes selfish and cruel and not capable of a selfless act.

theres even a line superego says to sam where he says "you of all people should be able to understand my frustration after years of being partnered with a creature driven by pure id" which is like. does max think sam gets frusterated with him and doesnt want him as a partner because of the way that he Is. max. this is a nice little parallel to sam just last episode having that thought "max is getting so powerful now soon he wont even need me :(" but thats getting away from my point a little. (veering into max depression discussion which is a whole can of worms on its own, but it is worth mentioning autism and depression often go hand in hand and some of maxs self worth issues can be attributed to feeling weird about his autism traits)

anyways of course max was capable of a selfless act, of course he would save sybil and her baby, he loves sybil and he loves babies and he has a lot of love in his little heart. so skipping ahead a bit to the biggest scene in sam and max that baffle and confuse millions, maxs reaction to coming back to sam.

a lot of people are confused by maxs nonchalance and casual retelling of the horrible events that apparently went down in his timeline where he had to kill his sam. (interestingly but a little off topic, he specifically says HE blew sam up, whereas in this tl, max killed HIMSELF, sam didnt do a thing. in fact he wouldve probably stayed trying to save him until they both blew up if superego hadnt convicned him itd be tooootally fine to leave. seriously sam its OK hes NOT going to blow up i promise. ok bye bye."

so max comes back, immediately tries to jump back into normalcy and jokes and feels unsure and uncomfortable when sam doesnt reciprocate. he looks confused when sam hugs him even. a lot of people are like "what the hell did he mean by this" but TBH as someone with ASD and lots of experience in the "getting bad news over the phone and then going to a funeral" pipeline i really felt a mind and soul connection with max there! this is mentioned somewhere int he sam and max bible for the cartoon but steve purcell writes something along the lines of "max sees things differently from anyone else" on the topic of his strange reactions to things. which is like. You have autism ->

theres an unskippable line in 305 right before you get to the endgame where sam says "why does max have tear ducts? i cant remember the last time ive seen max cry." and then immediately gets into maxs juxtaposed reaction to sams death to sams absolute MISERY over maxs. max might not feel grief in the way people would expect from a person. he might not even be sad. he might not feel things in the "proper" or "normal" way but that doesnt make him a 50 foot shambling eldritch monster, hes just wired differently. as someone with autism ive felt it too where i dont think i feel things in the right way. if something really sad and fucked up happens to me i dont feel sad and the only thing im immediately concerned with is feeling uncomfortable with watching the people around me crying which, as im typing this, makes me feel like a monster freak for being so cold and cruel, but thats the point im trying to get at, 305 could be read as an allegory for this exact feeling.. because at the end of the day max is just max and sam is happy to see him and accept him as he is. hes not a monster, hes just sams partner and best friend and its ok to be exactly the way he is without feeling the need to change

[cant-think-of-anything-creative]

I'd like to start off by saying, oops?

Hey @jackdaw-kraai , as you know I've been hyperfixating on the Guides verse and keep having ideas that bounce around in my skull like pinballs. The only reliable way to appease said thoughts is to write them down, so I did!! And then... kept writing. It's a hypothetical scene that I don't think will ever come true, so I wanted to get it down before Sunday's chapter comes out. Sorry for piggybacking on your story but I'm pretty sure you gave permission to go ham so I kinda... went ham? A little ham? Enjoy your holiday ham, everyone is horribly ooc but I wanted it to be Soft 🙏

If you haven't read Jack's works, do yourself a favor and check 'em out!! They're absolutely riveting, chock full of amazing Skywalker family moments, and have a fun supporting cast like General Veers, confused but he's got the spirit; Captain Piett, master of subtle snark; and Admiral Ozzel, who we all love to hate. Jack has developed such a detailed and engaging world that you just can't help but get invested in 😁

--------------------

Vader did not think it was unreasonable to ensure Head Engineer Lars' safety after the recent sabotage (assassination) attempt. Directly after he was secure in a bacta tank and not in immediate risk, Vader had recalled Luke's guard and set them on shifts within medical while he investigated the workshop. When evidence of foul play had been uncovered, Vader joined them.

Thirty-five hours later, Luke was removed from the bacta pod and put into a medical suite. At that time, Kix informed Vader that his presence was interfering with the workflow of his medbay, that only the most stalwart of medics would approach anywhere near him when he was "in this state" and therefore, because he would not leave Luke's side, aid in the engineer's recovery.

Vader had informed him that that was precisely what he endeavored to achieve.

Vader had been summarily banned from medbay for twenty-four hours.

He did, however, manage to obtain the medic's word that only Kix himself would address Luke's injuries -- in truth, the only reason he had complied at all.

Now, without access to Luke and further investigation being handled by Piett, Vader had run out of things to do. Of course, there were the trivialities of running an Imperial warship, but he soon found himself unable and unwilling to concentrate on such matters.

He was sitting in his chambers in attempted meditation when his datapad beeped with an incoming message. He scooped it up, anxious for any news, and was disappointed to see it was not from Kix, but Piett -- but perhaps Piett had discovered more information? The message had a file attachment; the identity of the saboteur? Interest captured once more, Vader read the subject line.

Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Tooka kit on nip

...A mistake, then. This was hardly the typical topic of conversation between them. Most likely a personal message that had accidently been sent to him. Vader idly wondered at it -- Piett was incredibly particular in his correspondence, just as he was about everything else, and it seemed unlikely that a slip of the hand had not been caught and rectified before it was sent.

Curiosity mounting, he opened the message.

It was entirely blank, only a video file attached, similarly named "tooka kit." The preview of the video, however, had Luke's face.

Vader played it immediately.

Luke sat in a partially inclined bed, medical equipment surrounding him, beeping and humming softly in the background. The image was obviously taken from a datapad, though where Luke had obtained one was anyone's guess. He had dark circles under his eyes, his skin slightly sallow. There were bacta patches of various sizes scattered across his face, neck, and the visible parts of his arms. Luke shifted in place, the image jerking as he made himself comfortable, careful with the IV disappearing into his shirt. Vader could tell from his sluggish movements that he was, at least, partially sedated. Finally, he settled, cleared his throat, and looked into the lens.

"Hello, all," Luke said. He was a bit difficult to understand, between the slurring and the oxygen mask muffling his voice. "Welcome to another episode of Scrap Hunting. This time we won't have to go far, as I am the scrap." He brought his arm into frame, waving the heavily bandaged stump around, and devolved into raspy giggles that soon had him harshly coughing. They wracked his small frame in spasms, sounded just like those of people sick from the Desert's storms. The view changed angles as Luke brought his hand up and clumsily pressed the mask further against his face, taking deep drags with his eyes closed in concentration. When he could breathe on his own again, he propped up the data pad once more.

"Don't worry, I'm gonna make a new one," he assured. His voice was even, now, careful and measured. "Gonna make a whole series about it. But it could take a while, 'cause my printer tried to blow me up." Luke's expression grew sad, his lower lip jutting out just slightly. "I don't know why, I tried to be good to it, made the files pretty, never ran out of powder. Ran the diagnostics but it was angry. 'M sorry, printer."

In the video, a knock interrupted him, followed by a muffled, "You awake, sir? Medic for you." One of the guards stationed outside his door, no doubt.

Luke's eyes widened in alarm, and he pulled the tablet close with a sharp "Shh!" before the view flipped around. Vader's reasonably sure he saw the underside of the mattress before the screen went dark.

Luke said something the tablet didn't pick up, microphone sandwiched between the bed's layers as it was. Vader raised the volume until he could just barely make out what was being said.

"--heard you cough," came a clone's voice.

"Only a little," Luke protested. The screen was black, but Vader could see exactly the type of wide-eyed, innocent pout he was making. "Barely anything."

"Right. Open your mouth for me, sir."

He listened as the medic led Luke through an exam, checking his throat and lungs along with his heart and nervous responses.

"You're recovering well, sir," they proclaimed. Vader felt something ease inside him, something that had grown tense and restless since Luke began coughing. "Best thing for now is to rest. Anything else before I leave?"

"More water, please?"

"Of course, here you are. Remember, press the button for assistance or ask Boomer at the door."

"Mm-hm. Thank you."

"Hang in there, sir. I'll return in an hour to check in."

"'Kay."

Soft footsteps, a door opening and closing. A pause. And then, the rustling of fabric as Luke retrieved the tablet from where it was stashed.

"Sorry I had to hide you," he murmured, spinning the image right-side-up. "This isn't my datapad. Found it on the table. I think it's Kix's? It won't tell me anything, but the camera wasn't blocked. Mine... mine's probably gone," he said, forlorn. "I'm gonna have to replace so much -- I was starting on the heat muffler for the ATR-6's but now I can't. And I hate the name but if I wanted to change it I'd have to go back into every data file..."

Luke started into an explanation of the intricacies of the ATR-6's heat shields and their equally intricate relationship with the heat sinks, going into far greater detail than Vader thought possible for a teenager on a hefty morphine drip. It eventually caught up to him, though; his words ran together more and more, his eyelids drooping. A few times, he'd let a sentence trail off and his chin would slump down to his chest, lower and lower before it snapped back up and he blinked around in confusion, picking up an entirely different tangent than the one he'd previously been saying. Then, his head drifted to the side instead of down, and he was out. There was a couple moments of this before the datapad fell back, Luke no longer propping it up, and Vader could only see the medbay's ceiling.

He could hear, though, the steady blip of the heart rate monitor, and Luke's sleep-laden breaths. And it calmed him, to know his -- to know Luke was... "unharmed" was categorically incorrect.

Safe, perhaps. And that he felt safe enough to let the drugs do their work. (Though "safe" itself was not the appropriate word either, Vader thought, recalling the scattered remains of the printer.)

Ten minutes in, Luke shifted in his slumber and the datapad followed, landing on its side, revealing a skewed image of Luke at rest, drooling slightly onto his pillows and curled in on himself, on his injuries. Every so often his eyebrows would furrow just slightly, like he was working on a challenging problem in his dreams, and then smooth back out.

Twenty minutes later, the microphone picked up a soft knock and a voice calling, "Sir?"

When no reply came, Vader heard the door latch release and footsteps approach the bed. Part of a trooper came into view -- Kix, Vader recognized. Good. He set something down on the bedside table and turned back, reaching out his hand. Vader was annoyed that he was going to wake Luke, Force knew the boy deserved his rest, but the medic only set his hand on the pillows by his head, barely denting them at all. Vader saw the tips of his fingers pull through a stray bit of Luke's hair, splayed out around his head like a golden halo. After a moment, Kix sighed and took back his hand, turned to leave -- and paused. He reached towards the tablet with an inquisitive sound. The image shifted from Luke's sleeping form to Kix's confused face, and abruptly ended.

Vader sat in his quarters... contemplating.

Why had Piett sent him this? How had the captain obtained such a file in the first place? The subject of the message -- Piett himself had received it from another source, and so on. Furthermore, he had not deemed it necessary to add his own words to the message, trusting that it would speak for itself.

Vader restarted the video.

[archer3-13]

Naruto anime and some general thoughts

well i kept up with the manga back when it was still ongoing, ill admit i never had much interest in pursuing the naruto anime. Partly because of how i tend to consume media, partly because the show was never able to convincingly drag me in. However, ive decided to parse the anime a little recently so i thought id put down some bullet point thoughts from about the first 10 episodes

- the first theme songs weird, i kinda like it as a song in of itself as its very... 80s rock i guess but at the same time it just feels out of place. its not a very iconic first foot as it were i guess, which is fine cause not every anime can have one, but it doesnt help with its sense of misplacement in general tone is all.

- which brings me to how the ost is, cause the ost and first op feel mismatched af. that said the osts pretty solid for the most part, just used haphazardly at times. rising fighting spirit might be the more iconic fighting naruto ost piece, but i honestly feel its kinda bland and bad situation works better at generating tension.

- narutos an annoying shit just as i remember. it certainly works early on where hes suppose to be an annoying shit to some degree or another. it helps that a lot of these early episodes are dedicated to showing how out of his depth naruto currently is, its just bittersweet is all considering how character wise he'll stall out at this point as his weaknesses get gradually eroded over time.

- sasukes a hyper competent mf for the most part, as much as a kid his age and experience can expected to be. hes definitely not broody and emo all things considered, stand offish certainly but the really weird thing is, is that its gone out of the way to emphasize that even as early as now that sasuke could give a rats ass about the attention and thus is stand offish because people wont leave him alone. its somewhat similar to the usual aloof rival behavior in shonen, but in this case it comes off as unusual because sasukes shown to be unusually compassionate in instances. sticking up for naruto in front of sakura when he had no obligation to and just after naruto acted like a little gremlin child and tied sasuke up in a supply closet, among other smaller moments.

- veering back on topic, sasukes easily the most competent of team 7 genin both in terms of strategic thinking and raw combat skill, to the point that it genuinely felt weird for naruto to be the one to come up with the shadow shuriken trick when that feels more like something sasuke would come up with. its a good sequence mind showing naruto and sasuke teaming up to take on a stronger foe in contrast to the bell test and something that probably should have been extended or given more time to breath in order to sell the idea that the two are forming a genuine bond if through adversity.

- moving to the fights themselves they... aren't good? at the moment atleast the pacing of the fights makes something like the kakashi zabuza battle feel slow paced and kids happy slaps in comparison to the demon brothers brief taijutsu and weapons fight which feels more actively dangerous. to compare it to one piece fights around the same time of their production, it lacks snap and impact in the fights so to speak.

- i forgot how fun kakashi actually is, since he spends a lot of the rest of the series as a bit of a wet blanket. hes the man of mysteries wrapped up in the roshi unconventional teacher model 'i taught you by not teaching you' kinda manner. that and his 'im not touching you' method of annoyance in his mannerisms helps contrast and make more impressive his strong insights and the moments in the zabuza fight where hes pissed at the possibility of people dying on his watch. it makes the rest of his series performance feel especially clownish as he increasingly defaults to an empty caricature spouting off state propaganda and generic i love naruto catchphrases... but as it stands by the wave arc hes an interesting and fun guy.

- id be more willing to be lenient to you sakura if you didnt leave such a bad taste in the mouth even now. is she more then a generic fangirl here? in the sense of being very intentionally written as an aggressive bully yes but thats not even the backhanded compliment im making it out to be. shes useless not in the sense of never doing anything in a fight, or being a bad character. Shes useless in the sense that she really does nothing for the actual dynamic of team 7 as a unit of characters. individually sure theres some interesting meat and aspects to them but as a unit team 7 feels more like a duo then a trio and sakuras the quite obvious weak link in it because she might as well not be there in the 'team 7' scenes.

- hunter nin seem to be implied as something every village has in some capacity as opposed to a kiri exclusive thing its more so treated as later on. theres also the implication that anbu look a lot more mundane then they do later on since zabuzas anbu flashbacks just have him in a regular flakjacket setup.

- narutos mixed and confused anger at haku both for taking a life and for showing team 7 up well they tried extra hard is very confused in what it wants to be, but also something i wished the series explored more in naruto. cause like, later on its more so dropped to just have naruto be jealous of other people who are better then him because hes a petty bitch, but here theres very much an air of naruto being uncomfortable even deeply afraid of killing and death, both times he freezes up in the first 10 episodes are when hes presented with the physical possibility of dying, and having the grapple and struggle with that concept given his chosen profession would have been a hell of a lot more interesting.

[liathgray]

hello and welcome back to the writing anon show alhdgdkshd

hi a lot of things happened at once but i think im good now ♡♡♡

so like,,,, how closely do you follow your plots?? because i consistently just dont follow mine at all

akshdhks ill get a lil into it and then ill get to a scene and my notes say "establish this emotional thing!" and ill be like ok! and then i write the scene and it just. doesnt go into the emotional thing at all, the characters start joking around and now ive gotta revise the plot for the 50th time (or attempt rewriting the scene but honestly i dont often rewrite scenes when it comes to my fic).

thoughts? (you dont have to answer also i love you and Also ive decided against doing nano so i can finish the fic ive been trying to write for the last like 6 months akshsksk)

Hello!! I’m glad to hear you’re alright!

This one is a bit tricky because I honestly think it has a lot to do with discipline. I follow them pretty closely, but of course every one in a while I’ll have a scene that just doesn’t really fit in, or its not flowing right so I’ll change it. 

Only scenes, though. Never the whole plot because of how carefully I  plan it out. If I were to suddenly change the outcome, all the buildup will have been for nothing.

But if the problem you’re having is veering off track... I might be able to help.

A good thing to do is remember that things don’t have to be explicit especially dealing with the emotional growth and internal arcs.

A good little checklist:

Who is the perspective coming from? How are they reacting? How are the other characters interpreting their reactions? How are they interpreting the other characters reactions? What are their motivations in this scene? If I cut this out, will anything change?

Even if you end up writing a scene that is outwardly lighthearted with jokes, you can still have the emotional beats through reactions/ internal thoughts. One of my favourite things to do is mess around with how the characters read and interpret one another because it creates tension.

Like, you can build entire arcs through this. Its the main conceit of my current fnma fic

Ex: Two characters are talking. Character A gets all quiet when a certain topic is brought up. Character B is going to make an assumption that the topic is painful for them and potentially adjust to the change, depending on what their personality is like. Character A has entirely different reasons for why they acted like that but doesn’t bring it up or share.

This is a pretty easy way to slip in important moments to more inconspicuous scenes. Its all about the subtext babey! 

But like I said, part of it is about discipline. Audibles are a thrill for sure but its good to stick with what you have if its like... relevant. I write pretty plot heavy stories so I do stay pretty close to my outlines, but I get that a lot of people have a less... strict/ planned out way of writing (totally valid, fyi). 

The best advice I think I can give is to try to stay on track, but when you can’t, keep things moving behind the scenes, ya know? Make sure theres a purpose to those jokey scenes if they happen, start up a motif, establish motivations in the narration, hell you could even let the characters try to puzzle each other out!

Sorry this is the loosest of the responses but its a very person-to-person thing and depends on how you write. I hope it was at least a little helpful though!!

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part v

Here we have part v! Took me a little longer than usual, but I’m really happy with how it turned out - it’s All Star Weekend with our favorite couple, folks! I haven’t been getting as much engagement as usual with the posts, so please feel free to reblog it and pop into my inbox!

part i part ii part iii part iv

part v

January 28

Cass sat on a metal bench at JFK, legs propped up on her carry-on, eyes flitting between the departures screen and her phone. Mat walked through the sliding doors to her left, catching her eye with a quick wave and smile. If he wanted to travel incognito in Long Island, though, the suit bag and “these-are-more-expensive-than-they-look” sunglasses weren’t helping his cause. “You’ve got the tickets?” She asked. After much convincing, Cass finally agreed to let Mat buy the tickets; he said it would be easier to make sure they were seated together, and had told her to think of it as a belated Christmas present if she’d like. 

Mat nodded, gesturing towards the check-in counters. “Shall we?”

Cat grabbed his hand in her own as they walked to the counter. It hadn’t even crossed her mind that they’d be travelling anything but economy — she never had, after all — so she was more than a little surprised when he steered her and their bags towards American’s first-class check-in. He looked down at her. “What? You think I’d let you go to the All-Star Game in anything but the best? Nah, we’re travelling in style, babe.” Cass flushed, handing over her bags to be weighed and taking the boarding pass from the flight attendant with a harried thanks. 

“Qu-est-ce que c’est, chère?” Mat asked, brushing a kiss over the top of her head as they headed up the escalator. French had been her foreign language in high school and college; it had gotten rusty, but Mat and Tito had been more than happy to practice with her, though Beau’s Québécois accent sometimes proved a little difficult to understand. 

“I’m just really excited for this weekend. I know how much it means to you to be on the team and competing in the skills competition again, and I’m lucky to be able to see you do what you love.” 

After a less-than-ideal forty minutes in the security line, Cass handed her license and Mat’s passport over to the TSA agent, who gave them a cursory once-over before marking their boarding passes and letting them through the scanner. 

They boarded the Delta flight some 40 minutes later, after a much-needed pit-stop at the Starbucks. The flight attendants took their coats and showed them to their seats, and before Cass knew it she was seated in a very large, very comfortable chair that had more legroom than she thought humanly possible, a glass of champagne perched on her tray table. “Is this how you live? All the time?” She whispered to Mat, stunned. 

“Sometimes,” he admitted. “The team charters a plane for games and I usually don’t do first class to go back home, but this is a special occasion. It deserves it, you deserve it.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek, pulling out his Airpods. “We’ve got just enough time to get through Pirates of the Carribean before we land. What do you say?” 

Their plane landed a few hours later, the two catching an Uber to the hotel about twenty minutes away. Apparently there had been “a car” coming for them, but Cass balked at the idea, insisting that the Toyota Corolla coming to pick them up was more than enough for her. 

“Hi, checking in for Barzal,” Mat said, smiling at the receptionist. 

“One moment,” she replied, tapping on the computer and turning around to grab two key cards. “You two will be in room 307, third floor. Elevators are that way. Enjoy your stay!” Mat took the cards, handing one to Cass as they turned towards the row of elevators. As excited as she was, Cass was also just the tiniest bit apprehensive about sharing a room with Mat for a whole weekend. She had spent the night once or twice since the Christmas party, and had officially been granted “a drawer” in his dresser, but it was still the longest (relatively) uninterrupted time she’d spend with him. 

There were a few hours before the festivities kicked off with some sort of red carpet-type thing, so Cass pulled out her laptop and got to work while Mat went off to exercise in the hotel gym. None of her professors this semester recorded lectures, so she was relying on good friends and a strong Wifi connection to get the notes from the one class she was missing. Cass wasn’t one to skip out on responsibilities and she did feel bad about not being there, but she had earned a break. 

Mat came back a little while later, and Cass took that as her cue to start getting ready. After he got out of the shower, she took over the bathroom, spreading her makeup, brushes, and precisely-3.4-ounce bottle of hairspray over the counter. This was the first big event she was going to as a WAG, and nerves were flying. Cass was already well aware that she didn’t fit into the typical mold, and hated the fact that she felt like she had to justify herself everywhere she went. And it didn’t help that Mat wasn’t just one of the best young players in the NHL in recent memory, but also a total smokeshow of a man who had hundreds of women falling at his feet. 

But galas, parties, extravagant events were nothing new to her. She had been the president of her sorority at UConn, organizing and attending more than her fair share of her own formals and semiformals or accompanying a friend or boyfriend to theirs. And law school called for dressing up more than occasionally. She was no stranger to impressing people. The dress was light blue to coordinate with Mat’s suit, heavily beaded, and absolutely gorgeous. This was the one part of the trip that she had absolutely refused to let Mat pay for, even though he offered. The league covered the room and he had gotten the flights, and her ego needed to pick up at least a marginal part of the expenses. 

She twisted her hair up into a bun, bobby pins stuck in her mouth as she pulled out a few strands of hair. Setting spray? Check. Lipstick? A deep rose shade that she’d had since her first year of law school, so, check. “You almost ready to go, chou?” She asked, leaning down to her suitcase and grabbing the strappy heels she’d picked out for the night.

“Uh, yeah,” Mat said, buttoning his suit jacket. He usually had pretty good taste even before they started dating, but the navy blue velvet suit he was wearing was really something else. “Wow, you look amazing, Cass.”

She smiled, stepping towards him. “The lipstick’s kiss-proof, you know.”

He raised one eyebrow. “You wanna try that out?”

---

It was a fifteen minute drive to the venue, the car the league had sent packed with players and their partners, or whoever else had managed to wrangle a spot. She thinks there were some cousins involved? Mat got out before her, holding the door open while he leaned down. “The reporters are usually fine, they get that most of you guys aren’t used to this,” he murmured, “but you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to, I’ll say something if I see it getting out of line.” 

She squeezed his hand in appreciation, taking a breath to steady her nerves before following him onto the red carpet. After posing for a few photos, they moved onto the reporters, Mat getting steered towards someone who Cass was pretty sure was from SportsCenter, but she couldn’t be positive in the crowd of hundreds. Cass briefly introduced herself, stepping slightly to the side as the conversation’s topics veered towards strategy and expectations, how best to manage playing with only three players and how he was feeling about his chances for fastest skater. 

“And you’ve brought your lovely girlfriend Cassidy along, how did you two meet?” Cass heard her name mentioned, quickly snapping out of the daydream she had been lost in. Fluff pieces were nothing new and she knew it would come up, everyone loved getting to know the players outside of a strictly hockey context. 

“Yeah, so I’m in law school, and I got an internship with the counsel’s office for the Islanders,” Cas started, “and I helped Mat with some visa stuff. He kept trying to drop hints that he was into me, but—”

“They weren’t hints. I was being as obvious as possible,” Mat deadpanned. Cass giggled. 

“Well, yeah, in retrospect I was just being incredibly oblivious, but came to one day, and the rest is history.” Mat leaned down, brushing a kiss over her cheek, and Cass could see camera flashes go off in her peripherals. She’d have to track that picture down later.

The interviewer nodded, asking a few follow-ups on her exposure to hockey growing up, her dress, and one more. “So, you hardly live the typical life of a hockey girlfriend. What do you think about that?”

Cass was confused. “Pardon?”

“Law school, being a lawyer. That’s not something that you typically see WAGs pursue, especially considering the salaries NHLers make. It’s not like they have to do much.” Cass was floored. How could someone be so disrespectful, not only to her, but to every other woman in her position? She was struggling to come up with a response. As it would happen, she didn’t need to. 

“Excuse me?” Mat’s response was dripping venom. “Why would you ask something like that?”

The interviewer tried to backtrack, but ended up digging himself into an ever deeper hole. “Well, I just meant that you don’t see it often, which is true—”

“Maybe you don’t, but that shouldn’t matter,” Mat said. “Being a stay-at-home mom or running charity events is awesome if that’s something that they want to do, but it’s not for everyone. And don’t you dare ever suggest that Cass hasn’t worked hard as hell to get to where she is. She’s graduating in five months from an Ivy League law school, and she’s the smartest person I’ve ever met. Don’t ever talk about her that way. Don’t ever talk about any woman that way.” He turned away, his hand on Cass’ upper back. “Don’t ever let anyone undersell you. You’ve worked too damn hard and come too damn far.”

 Jan. 29 (fri)

 Cass smoothed out her dress, taking a last-minute look in the mirror to make sure nothing was stuck in her teeth. “How do I look?” She asked, turning to Mat. 

“You look great, babe. Stop stressing.” She had picked a floral dress and denim jacket for breakfast with Mat’s family, but couldn’t stop wringing her hands in worry. Mat crossed the room in three steps, holding her hands still and looking at her more intensely than she had ever seen. “Remember when I was losing my shit meeting your parents?” Cass gave a tearful nod. “And it all turned out okay and now I text your brother probably more than you do?” 

She laughed. “Noah worships you, and my dad loves you. Thinks you’re ‘good for me,’ whatever he means by that.”

“I think,” Mat said, tapping her temple with one finger, “that sometimes you get a little stuck up here. You’re so smart, and it’s incredible, but you overthink things sometimes, pretty girl.”

She ducked her head. “That’s probably true.” 

“But what I meant to say is that it turned out I had nothing to worry about. And neither do you, my parents will love you and Liana’ll just be excited to have another girl around to complain about me to. It’s going to go great,” he added with finality. 

“You promise?” Cass asked.

Mat kissed her, soft and sweet and slow, the kind of kiss that wasn’t born of passion and lust but of just genuine deep trust and affection. The kind of kiss that brings your feet back to the ground when your head’s stuck off in the clouds. “I promise.”

Cass flashed a small smile, squeezing Mat’s hand in hers and heading towards the door. “Then I guess we’d better get going.” She had been up late the night before, searching on Yelp for the perfect restaurant, despite Mat’s continual claims that they’d “love wherever, they just want food.” Though, she’s not sure what she expected when asking a 20-something man what he wanted to eat. There was a cute place a ten minute drive away, with four-point-seven stars and reviews that said their quiches were the “best thing on this godforsaken planet,” according to IridescentGymRat44. Cass loved quiches. 

It was a quick Uber over, Mat’s mom having texted him that they had already arrived and snagged a table in the back for privacy. It may have been a family event, but it was still All-Star Weekend and Mat was still, well, Mat. It wasn’t likely he could fly under the radar for too long. He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand reassuringly as they turned the corner, and his face split into a wide grin at the sight of his family. Hugging each of them quickly, he stepped back to introduce Cass, one hand lightly resting on the small of her back. “This is Cass, my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, we figured,” Liana said pointedly, causing Cass to poorly cover up a snort of amusement, which in turn just caused everyone to laugh even more at their efforts trying not to laugh so hard. 

As it would turn out, Mat was right. She really had nothing to worry about; his parents embraced her (literally and metaphorically) as soon as she set down and his sister immediately whipped out her phone to show his worst baby pictures. “Hey,” she said, as Mat glared at her, “you deserve to know what you’re getting yourself into.” They were interested in her work and school, and Mat gladly took the liberty of explaining how they met, earning a slap on the back of his head from his mom when he got to the part with the visa slipup. They said their goodbyes sometime around eleven; Cass would have liked to stay longer, but everyone needed to get back to their hotels and ready for the skills competitions in the afternoon. 

“Excited to defend the title?” Cass said, bumping her shoulder against Mat as they walked down the hallway to their room. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Mat said, shrugging slightly. “Obviously it would be great to win, but there’s still McDavid and Eichel and a ton of other guys that have just as good of a chance to run away with this thing.” After his win last year, it was no shock that Mat had been picked for the fastest skater competition again, but the hordes of fans and reporters who were expecting him to go back-to-back weren’t helping his nerves. They reached the door, Mat shoving his hand into his pocket to dig out the key card. 

“Look at me,” Cass said softly, once they had gotten their shoes off and were propped up next to each other in bed. Mat’s head turned, his hand still absentmindedly tangled in her curls. “You’re going to do great. Win or lose. I believe it, your family believes it, the other guys on the team believe it. Now all we need is for you to believe it yourself.”

---

Cass was walking through the tunnels of the BB&T Center, phone pressed to her cheek as she tried to listen to her dad on the other end of the line. A few players and their families were milling about, some getting ready to compete in their skills competitions, others catching up with old friends. “Oh, and you booked the tickets to Hermosillo, yeah?” It was a family tradition for them to spend a few weeks every summer back in Mexico with her grandparents; they had split their time between San Antonio and their hometown ever since retirement. Cass always tried to make it, but the past summer she wasn’t able to wrangle the two weeks off from her job that she’d need for the trip, and it had crushed her. They weren’t getting any younger, and her abuelo had suffered a nasty stroke the year prior that made her all the more anxious to visit. 

“Yep, layover in Mexico City like usual, I’ll send you the ticket when the trip gets closer,” Patrick responded.

“And you’ve got everyone’s passport info?”

She could imagine her dad rolling his eyes. “Yes, Cassidy. Everything’s booked, everything’s fine. Have fun in Florida, tell Mat good luck from us.”

“Okay, I will. Love you, dad.” Cass said, running a hand through her hair. 

A voice that she didn’t quite recognize called her name, and as she turned around she was more than a little surprised to see Auston Matthews waving at her. “It is Cassidy, right?”

She nodded her head. “Cassidy, Cass, I’ll answer to both.”

The confusion on her face must have still been evident, because he followed up. “I follow Barzy on Instagram, he brags about you all the time.”

“Yeah, sounds like him,” she said, tapping her fingers on her thigh. 

“Are you going to introduce me?” His mom asked from beside him. 

“Oh, yeah, ‘course,” Auston said, stumbling over his words. “Mom, this is Cassidy, obviously. Cassidy — Cass?” He questioned, looking over at her. She nodded. “Cass, this is my mom Ema.” She greeted her with a warm hug, and Cass just about melted. Moms really do give the best hugs. 

Ema spoke up. “Do you have family in Hermosillo? I heard you mention it on the phone.”

“Mhm!” Cass’s head almost bounced from how fast she was nodding. “My grandparents split time between there and San Antonio, we try to visit for a few weeks every summer.”

“That’s where I grew up,” she responded, beaming. “It’s wonderful, but the summers get so hot, don’t they?” Cass and Auston both nodded. 

“I think it got up to 110º when I was there once? Maybe 115º? I want to lock myself in a freezer sometimes, I swear.” The whole group collapses into laughs, and spent a few minutes talking before Cass had to tear herself away and find her seats with Mat’s family for the fastest skater competition. Ema had left her with no fewer than three restaurant recommendations, making her swear to try them all. “Best tacos I’ve ever had,” she had said about one. 

Cass greeted Mat’s family with a wave as they settled into their seats, one row up from the ice on the right side. The players had just come out, and it only took a few seconds to make eye contact with Mat. She was wearing his — her — jersey, and had long since abandoned trying to roll up and cuff the sleeves. It wasn’t going to happen, and she kind of liked the feeling of being buried in it. She blew him a kiss as the announcers voices echoed through the stadium, and the heat was on. 

Mat was slated to go last, which was either the best or worst thing depending on how you thought about it. Cass was always someone to sign up for the first slot for speeches and presentations, and hated having late games in tournaments during her lacrosse days. She liked being able to get it over with. Mat was the opposite. He was competitive and stubborn to a fault, needing to size up the competition and get ahead of the game. Needed to know what to expect. There first few she didn’t recognize, a few first-time faces to the All-Star competition, a rookie from Winnipeg who was a favorite for the Calder. Everyone was doing well, really well — all the times but one were under 14 seconds, but nobody had broken Mat’s time yet. 

Eichel got close, McDavid got closer, and then Mat was up to defend his championship. She blew a kiss to him as he stepped up to the line, murmured a prayer, and the whistle blew. Clean straightaways, tight turns, gaining speed on the curves, and in the blink of an eye it was over. Cass knew he had won, the roar of the crowd told her as much, but she didn’t realize his time. She didn’t realize until the announcer reported that with a time of 13.080 seconds, Mathew Barzal had just set the record. His face was stunned for a moment, looking up at the screen and then down at the ice and then back up at the screen again, while being hugged and congratulated from all sides, as if trying to process what had just happened. 

It was the last one of the night, so Cass said her goodbyes to Mat’s family, with a promise to meet up before the game the next day, and hurried down to meet Mat. There wasn’t anything formal scheduled for the rest of the night, so he came out of the locker room in just a pair of athletic shorts and an Islanders t-shirt. Cass ran up, jumping into his arms as he dropped his bag to catch her. “Woah, babe,” he said, steadying his hands on the back of her thighs, “coulda given me a warning there.”

Cass kissed him. “Wouldn’t have been nearly as fun that way, though, huh?”

“You’re right.” Mat shrugged good-naturedly, setting Cass down and grabbing his bag and her hand. 

“How does it feel having beaten the record?” Cass asked. 

Mat ran his free hand through his hair, still shower-damp. “So surreal. I wasn’t even sure I’d win, not with how stacked the lineup was, let alone get anywhere near breaking the record. It’s ridiculous, but it’s amazing.”

“You’re amazing.”

 Jan. 30 (sat)

 Mat was busy doing media and catching up with some of the guys before the game later that day, and Cass had elected to stay in the room. Mat had offered for her to come along, “you might think it’s interesting?” he had noted, but she’d be damned if she let herself fall behind in her last semester, she was just too close. It had already been a bit of a stretch for her to take a day off and come for the whole weekend, so her afternoon was instead filled with some utterly thrilling reading on advanced contract theory and a thick-as-all-hell review book for the New York state bar. She leaned back in her chair, taking the last remaining sip of the mediocre Lipton tea she had snagged from the basket by the room’s coffee maker. She could finish it later.

Cass picked up her phone, pressing play on a voicemail from Fiona that had been left earlier in the afternoon. 

Uh, hey, it’s me. Cass, I don’t know if this is what you want to hear, but I don’t think I’d be a very good friend if I didn’t say it. Uh-oh. Conversations that started like that never ended well. I’m happy about you and Mat, I know you like him a lot, but I’m worried that he’s distracting you. I know you told us you’d be gone, but we missed you at the study group, and I know you skipped your law review meeting today. The rest of the message was more of the same, but one sentence stuck out to her. Think about where your priorities are. Think about where you want them to be. 

Fiona Chan had a one-track mind. And Cass loved her for it — she was one of the most dedicated people she knew and an incredible friend. But she sometimes found it hard to understand when people had priorities that extended beyond the bounds of law school, when their sole focus wasn’t on their Contracts final or clinic or clerkship they were doing for some top-tier appellate judge. 

She flopped back on the bed. Think about where your priorities are. She had been spending a lot of time with Mat lately, but no more than anyone would spend with their significant other — right? And it wasn’t a sin for her to have a life outside of law school. She was still more than competent at her job, got most of the reading done, was prepared when professors would cold-call on her. She still showed up to meetings. 

But even she would admit that her head wasn’t in the game all the time, if she could hazard another High School Musical reference. She’d sneak texts, meet him for lunch instead of going to office hours, and now, take weekends off to be with him. But that wasn’t a bad thing. Or was it? Her grades weren’t really suffering, and nobody else had mentioned anything. Friends notice things, though, Cass thought. And Fiona was one of the most perceptive people she knew. She groaned. Why wasn’t there ever an easy way to figure these things out? She really liked Mat — she might even love him — but Cass couldn’t help but feel like she was gambling on something that wasn’t a sure thing. And her future wasn’t something to play games with. 

[miafic]

Also I've been meaning to ask and keep forgetting. Is jawn Brazilian? I know he speaks Portuguese and his family/community is/was tied up in drug trade and I've read a little bit about people from a certain part of Brazil (I think outside of rio but I don't remember bc I didn't end up reading the whole book oops) but I was wondering

(warning you in advance that this veered kind of off-topic but im not sorry)

it is so wild reading one of yall talking about jawn’s life bc ive been so careful not to say a lot about it, but this is all right! his family specifically comes from portugal, not brazil, but the community is a combination of people from both places. 

this isn’t exactly what you asked, but i wanted to add that there are some minor language differences between brazilian and european portuguese, but because jawn grew up there, he’s completely comfortable with them. think american english vs british english. accents, pronunciation differences sometimes, and some completely different words here or there. there are also some differences in what’s offensive and what’s not, which the kids jawn’s age liked to play with. think the c word here, which a lot of british people would just say but i am calling “the c word.” haha. 

the drug stuff started out as a money thing but obviously that quickly fell apart. some people in the community don’t use, but the majority do “partake” as my friend would say, even if they’re not addicted. but yeah, it was like, how are we going to support ourselves in america? remember jawn tells awsten that he’s a second-generation american. the community’s been around long enough not to be considered new by people who live in the area, but it’s certainly not old. 

also, “jawn’s family” is literally just his mom. which is part of why i keep specifying “community” and not family. they really subscribe to the whole ‘it takes a village’ thing there, so jawn has a lot of “uncles,” “aunts,” “cousins,” etc. that aren’t really related to him. jawn’s identity is wrapped up in this small piece of territory and the culture there. 

when he leaves and goes to p&p, it’s a bit of a culture shock for him. he speaks english fluently, and he’s fine doing tutoring instead of school, but it’s the whole entirely-different-way-of-life thing that gets him. hence why he latches so hard onto lucas. he needs someone to hold onto. calum was a little bit familiar because he used and swore and acted wild, which are all things jawn was used to. but lucas was stable and safe. completely reliable. calm, not angry. and jawn was like, yes, yes, i pick him. 

[poetryandpainforthemostpart]

Ive got no one to talk to so I come back here. I don't know what im doing... with anything anymore. I have dreams but theyre so far away and out of my reach. I want to do so much but i just lose complete interest everytime i try im sat here during my favortie time of the year doing nothing i love halloween but ive got no one to do anything with and it hurts it hurts alot one of my favorite dreams is to actually spend and enjoy a holiday with someone I keep seeing these figures everywhere they follow me torture me they wake me up at night sometimes in violent fashions just for them to disappear leaving me bruises and cuts i watch as they hurt me but when i close my eyes all i see is they are me and im so confused i cant sleep anymore i can hardly blink im terrified to think i terrified to sleep im terrified to breath i keep forgetting things not just small stuff i panic almost everymorning trying to figure out where i am and sometimes who i am i honestly cant look in the mirror i dont know who that person is and the people around me just drift out of thought and i don't recognize them so i hide away from everyone i closed out my best friend and he moved on without me the family i created is dead and gone i keep zoning out and coming back covered in blood i dont know where its from but im covered in it and im so fucking paranoid things ive had for years i have to cover in blankets or put in cabinets because i think the previous owner can see me through it and i constantly feel like people can see my thoughts when i think i freakout when i think of people and beat myself up becausr im afraid they are judging me for my thoughts i have trouble staying on topic when i speak i just veer off and forget ehat im doing ive been in alot of pain physically i can feel my heart slow down sometimes or skip a beat sometimes it just shoots pain throught out my body it takes my breath away it feels like im suffocating i evidently have been sluring alot i have to repeat myself alot when i talk i dont notice i dont know why im doing it i feel like im watching my life from the back seat sometimes like im in third person i even see it in my head that way other times i just feel trapped in a dream my head is fullof horrible things i try to distract myself with music and video games but it hardly helps anymore i make little stories in my head with music i try to drift off with storys and just run wild with them everytime i hope ill find some hope or ill live out a dream in these storys but every story ends with me dead ive tried alot of things to fill the emptiness i feel but nothing helps i draw whats on my mind and i just scare myself with it all my writings turn into suicide notes i tried to fill it with sex but all that did was let out a side of me i never want to see again i just turn into this monster i lose control and become overrun with rage i broke a girls ribs by accident and hurt a few more but the last one haunts me the most i just i just snapped i sat on top of her strangling her i dont know what came over me i snapped out of it but i could have i almost killed her i had no control i keep seeing these things in my head im either killing myself or violently attacking others and these voices that sit there in the back of my head whispering about everything ive done wrong all my short comings and worst points they tell me to die they tell me how to they tell me to hurt people they tell me to kill im fighting as hard as i can but my mind is tearing me apart from the inside out they remind me of her and all the other girls ive hurt drag back my addictions and childhood memorys i hid away years ago they pull out my hatred and play with it its like theres two of me me and what they want to come out. Im scared im so fucking scared of what im becoming and even worse that i have no control over it.