#ive seen stuff related to other people experiencing a similar thing before too so like im not the only one

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

urg many thoughts head full

[sleep-i-ness]

*Let Bygones Be Bitches (Klaus Hargreeves x reader)

For @the--sad--hatter​‘s Tea Party Challenge

**TRIGGER WARNING**: Substance abuse, mentions of overdose, probably swearing, glamourisation of drugs

I’m not really sure where I went with this. I also haven’t edited it but it’s something I wrote a while back for this challenge and I realised the deadline is tomorrow so I banged out the ending :)

Taglist: @neymarlionelmessi7​ @persephonehemingway​ @blisfvll​ @20coldhearts​

There was something so exhilaratingly freeing about drugs. No one had ever talked to you about that, school had drilled into you the terrible effects of them but as you fell into harder and harder drugs, that had been the last thing from your mind. Really, what you blamed was society. Drugs were only seen as bad if you were poor, if you were a junkie and homeless, or living in poverty. Never mind the upper classes who were almost always off their asses on cocaine; snorted off gold dishes and offered around at social gatherings. Your parents certainly had seen no problems in them; most of your childhood they were high, living life as carefree as possible. Who cared if they had a kid to look after? Well, that was what nannies were for. And you craved their attention. Their approval. So, you acted out more and more, getting kicked out of one posh private school after the other with nothing more than a warning letter from your father each time.

And so, drugs had ended up becoming an escape rather than the rebellion you had hoped to lead against the careless lifestyle of the rich. The schmoozing amongst those of your ‘kind’ was done over lines of cocaine and ever-flowing bottles of champagne, never sober enough to have to remember enduring pointless small talk. Life was too fun to bother with formalities, you and the reckless debutantes and bachelors of your age were jumping off roofs into pools and committing arson instead. And when you reached the ripe age of 21, you moved back to your childhood home, surrounded by staff and peers just like yourself, but no one who really cared. Your parents weren’t frugal to say the least, and your allowance grew each time you reached the limit. It was almost like a challenge to see how much you could spend in a month. It wasn’t like you were anywhere near close to running out.

Your town was almost a cultural phenomenon, known for being the residence of the Umbrella Academy, back in the days when they were actually a team. Not just one pitiful member left to sort out the messes by himself. You weren’t sure what had happened to anyone other than Allison, who had launched herself into super-stardom and therefore was constantly a topic of gossip when local drama was dull. Tonight, you had agreed to host your ‘friends’, who were bringing a few of their friends and you knew the place would be wrecked by the end of the night. You wished you could pretend to care about the priceless antiques and expensive imported furniture, but it was all just stuff. Stuff that could easily be replaced. It didn’t truly matter.

You awoke the next day under blinding light in an unrecognisable room, blank white walls glaringly painful. You weren’t at home, that was for sure, nowhere was decorated this hideously at home. As your vision swam into focus, you saw the IV drip hooked up to your arm and heart monitor beeping steadily. Oh fuck, you were in the hospital again. And they hadn’t even bothered to put you in your family’s private suite; you were sure to be making a complaint as soon as you got out.

“Oh good, Miss Y/L/N, you’re awake.” A nurse bustled over, and you bit back the remark that was on the tip of the tongue. You were so sure that nurses were meant to be female, but clearly not in this case. “You were brought in last night, having had a seizure with a dangerously high body temperature and heart rate.”

Oh, that would be the effects of a cocaine overdose. You knew enough about them, having both experienced them first-hand and seen others having them, to know the symptoms. You remained silent, knowing that your family’s private doctor would soon have you out of this dump in the more public area and away from prying eyes. Your parents had people working to ensure that any scandals would be hushed up, so you assumed that this was just a blip before they set you up in a place a bit more suited to your wealth.

“How are you feeling now?” The nurse asked, checking the monitor at the end of your bed, and noting down something on a clipboard.

“Absolutely wonderful,” you remarked dryly, voice hoarse, mouth dry as sandpaper.

“Good, good,” he muttered, placing the tatty clipboard back in the scratched plastic holder. Your upper lip curled; that did not look very sanitary.

The nurse strode out looking purposeful and you wondered what purpose he actually had considering that doctors were the ones who actually did any work.

As the plastic ticking of a clock and heavy breathing of the infirm filled the air, you rolled your eyes, feeling ill at the thought of all of the germs floating around you. The off-white paint was peeling in the corner, cracks running down the wall, disrupting blotchy yellow marks of discolouration. As your eyes roved over the disgusting state of the ward, the scuff marks on the blue linoleum floor caught your gaze and you held back a groan. Did they not clean the place?

“Hey,” a languid voice called from the bed next to you and you frowned, brows furrowing as you tried to figure out whether he was talking to you. “Hey, miss judgemental.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, don’t know your name.” His tone implied he didn’t even care, and you sneered, why had he even bothered to try and start a conversation? “Was I not meant to notice the disgusted looks you were giving the ward?”

“Do I know you?” He clearly wasn’t somebody you would have mixed with, eyes ringed with the remnants of a couple day’s old eyeliner and hair mussed up, strands sticking up in various directions. But there was still something that made you hesitate.

“I’m Klaus.” Klaus… That was a Scandinavian name, right? Maybe he was related to the Bengtsson twins.

“I’m Y/N, Y/N Y/L/N.” You waited for the expected exclamation of awe or some form of recognition at least. There was nothing and you snuck a peek at Klaus who had merely raised an eyebrow.

“Y/L/N?” He seemed to be trying to recall something from deep in the dregs of his memory, eyes fluttering shut. “Hang on, wasn’t there a kidnapping? Something about a ransom that wasn’t paid?”

You froze.

There had been so many lawsuits and pulling of strings to ensure that that story never came out.

“How the hell do you know about that?” You hissed lowly, glancing around at the other patients who seemed fast asleep or too deaf to hear anything.

Klaus raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes, taken aback at your reaction. “What do you mean?”

“No one knows about that. No one.”

“Well, I do.” Clearly. Your breathing had sped up and your head felt light. It was all over. You were safe. You were okay. They weren’t here. Goddamn it, why wasn’t it working! The sudden bolt of anger flashed through the fog, but you were too numb to process it.

Klaus had pursed his lips, eyes narrowed, and eyebrows furrowed. Your brain marked that it was an amusing expression. “Hey, Y/N, just breathe with me, okay? Breathe in for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, hold for 1, 2, 3, breathe out for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.”

You followed his counting, eyes squeezed shut as your ears focused in on his voice. The bustle of hospital eased out as your breathing filled your thoughts. Every breath was forced out, long but shallow as your heart pounded in your head, the beat deafening.

You gasped, suddenly realising where you knew him from. “Klaus… Hargreeves? You were there. That’s why you know.”

The crisp, starchy sheets were clean under your grip, crinkling between your fingers as you clenched your hands subconsciously. Leaning closer to him to watch his response, he nodded slowly, head slowly lifting to make eye contact. A mask had dropped, eyes showing something a lot more vulnerable.

“Yeah. That one was one of the worst.”

“I’m sorry.”

It was your fault. And you’d thought the only one affected was you.

“Parents, right?” Klaus murmured, propping himself up on one arm as he continued to watch you.

Your parents hadn’t even cared. They hadn’t bothered to pay the ransom. The kidnappers had slowly stopped bothering to even come visit you with food. Leaving you to slowly died. No one had cared.

And then the Umbrella Academy had turned up. And you’d had the hope rekindled that someone cared.

Your return to your parents had been a surprise, a ‘wonderful surprise’ as they claimed. And the hope has sunk, like a lead balloon as you realised that they hadn’t wanted you back.

“Yeah.” You nodded, knowing nothing needed to be said to explain it. “I feel like it might be a billionaire thing.”

Klaus hummed, rolling onto his back with a dramatic groan as he threw his arms into the air. He stretched out, limbs unfurling like a cat, lithe and supple. The crinkle of plastic caught your ear and you snapped your head towards him, just catching sight of his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed quickly. He stretched out his arms and the plastic bag glinted in his hand. You grabbed it from him, gratefully swallowing the small blue pill inside.

“You know what, Klaus,” you paused, fiddling with the end of your sleeves. “I feel like we might be more similar than expected.”

He grinned, an almost maniacal twinkle in his eyes. “God, we’re such a cliché. Bonding over childhood trauma? Where’d we get that idea from? Some angsty YA novel?”

He snorted at his own joke and you couldn’t help but smile in response, noting the way his eyes crinkled at the corners and the small dimples popping in his cheeks.

Hopefully, this would follow the cliché trope right to the happy ending.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

(tw mentions of trauma, no details of it)hi i need help i think or at least info dump if u dont mind :(

currently i identify as pan/biromantic because i love everybody (leaving sexuality out for now bc i think thats a bit more complicated) but recently i started doubting. i dont know if its bc im traumatized and i just have a hard time getting close to people enough to feel love or if i just dont do it at all? recently some1 im in a qpr has confessed their (romantic?) love for me and i loved them the best i could but i dont think it was enough. idk if it was a love language thing or if im not capable of showing the love they were talking about. i dont think i romantically like them (thats a whole other issue) but like what if i dont actually feel romantic love at all? i love my friends and i believe in platonic love and sometimes the line is blurred (like qprs). for example i have one friend who i really like (platonic?) and for me it is sometimes blurred but idk if its just a deep platonic relationship (qpr???) or if its a romantic type but i am just too scared to think that im romantic to him bc hes my friend and i dont want to ruin what we have. bc dont friends still hold hands and stuff :( i think abt stuff like kissing but im also scared of intimacy (trauma tingz) or maybe thats an aro thing??

i want to love romantically i think but like what if it isnt what i think it is? i realized im not sure what that feels or looks like anymore all i know is what ive seen in the movies--aromantic people are not broken!!!!! i truly believe that :) - but i feel broken?? like theres something wrong with me and i cant feel the same love like others. i dont understand whats happening or why im feeling this is :( maybe im on the aro spectrum? or maybe this is something to work out w a professional? im just so confused

any help or thoughts is greatly appreciated 🥺🥺

please take ur time w this ask!! i know its kind of,, a lot i kinda info dumped on u :( im so confused about myself

So let’s break this apart a bit.

First of all a lot of people have trouble distinguishing what is romance or not, or romantic attraction or not. And it’s really hard to define and explain, even by people who know they’re experiencing it. And for some people the lines are blurred or they genuinely can’t tell at all. So it’s hard in general, even without trauma making it difficult. 

If you’re interested, the faq for this blog goes into some detail about distinguishing romantic/platonic/alterous attraction. So that may be helpful for you. But honestly my biggest advice is to just check out aro forums/blogs/media etc and seeing if it’s relatable and taking your time, sometimes it needs to time to marinate before you can really tell you’re not experiencing an attraction, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

For the trauma, it can be really hard to separate out what’s trauma and what’s just how you’d have been anyways. And honestly, you don’t actually have to and that may be helpful. One way I like to look at it is if you match an experience or find a label useful, does it matter if there’s a cause? Also there’s always a cause, just is it the trauma specifically or some unique interaction of genes and other experiences that lead you to be this way? And the other thing if trauma is a factor could things change down the road? And the answer is maybe. But maybe someone else has a fluid orientation and it changes for them later too, it doesn’t make it less valid in the moment. 

So yeah maybe the reason you think you could be aro and you’re having trouble connecting to romantic feelings/attraction is trauma. But it doesn’t mean if you think aro woud be a useful label for you that you can’t use it. And it doesn’t mean you can’t keep healing and exploring either, but it’s up to you to decide what feels right. 

Remember that there is a different between feeling broken and being broken. And a lot of people when they’re first realising they could be aro feel broken, and it’s something a lot of people go through. It’s OK to have those feelings early on, but try and remember they’re feelings, and that doesn’t make them fact. Also one thing a lot of people have found have helped with those feelings is connecting to other aros and the aro community, and seeing aros who are cool people or happy or good with their identity can help a lot to feel less broken, and even if you decide you’re not aro in the end this can still be helpful and help take the pressure off when figuring out your label. That you can find happiness either way.

I can’t tell you how you should handle the situation with your qpp, except to say don’t be afraid to take the path that feels right for you. We live in a culture that really teaches a one way to happiness and to dealing with these situations, but there isn’t actually a wrong choice here, if you should try a romantic relationship or not. And honestly there’s risks either way, so it’s best to let your own feelings guide you. Sometimes we may make the wrong choice out of fear as well (and either choice could be that), but if that happens the important thing is you learn and you’re more ready next time a similar situation comes up. 

Should you get help from a professional? You absolutely can, and some people do find that helpful. Make sure you find a therapist who is open minded about aromanticism and aro identities and won’t push you towards allonormativity. And remember you can switch therapists or fire a therapist at any time if they’re doing that. Identity is really complicated and personal too though, so I wouldn’t say it’s necessary, but they may be able to help you navigate the trauma side of it better. But it’s up to you what path you think is best for you.

This is a lot of text, but to sum up, take your time and explore, and slowly things should start to make more sense, but don’t rush it. And try not to panic or be afraid of whatever identity ends up feeling right for you in the end. 

All the best and good luck!

[douxreviews]

Star Trek: Discovery - ‘If Memory Serves’ Review

Spock: "I am not here to absolve you, Michael Burnham."

By nature I love brevity: Star Trek: Discovery plays to its strengths here, delivering a well-paced, measured episode that hits on the nostalgia factor in just the right ways. 'If Memory Serves' is a noticeable improvement over the rest of this season, which was in turn already an improvement over the previous season.

The first and probably most notable quality of this episode is the nostalgic air it has. From the very retro 'Previously on Star Trek' segment at the beginning, bringing us up to speed on the events of 'The Cage,' to the well-placed sound and music cues from the same episode, 'If Memory Serves' displays a clear and respectful knowledge of what's come before. Yet there is the distinct sense that something new is being accomplished, that we're not just uselessly retreading the past. This can be seen in the technical upgrades given to the Talosians, their singing plants, and the planet itself. Not only this, we're going deeper, if not to new places, with Pike and Vina. Anson Mount and Melissa George effectively recapture the old dynamic that Jeffrey Hunter and Susan Oliver brought, but they also lend new aspects to the relationship. Vina, it seems, is happy with the illusory Pike that she's been provided, as 'The Cage' and 'The Menagerie' implied, yet throughout Melissa George's performance there is a tinge of longing for the real thing. Pike can't seem to get Vina out of his head, and his deep-seated desire to return to her is clear in this episode. This new connection to the characters also makes 'The Menagerie' all the more resonant.

We'll get to Burnham and Spock in a moment, but first I want to explore the stuff with Culber and Stamets. I've said for a while now that Culber's character in Season One existed really only in service of Stamets' character. Culber wasn't really all that much of a character in his own right. But here, since his return, the writers and Wilson Cruz have given Culber a depth and an arc that he never had before. I'm just sorry that poor Stamets has to suffer the consequences of this. I can definitely see where they are both coming from here. The loss of Culber was so devastating for Stamets, and his return so filled with joy and hope, that of course he would be overeager and take things too fast or too far. Another viewer pointed out to me that Stamets is very good at helping other people with their emotional and relational problems, but he doesn't seem to have the same clarity when it comes to his own. This is all too human. Likewise, Culber feels like a stranger in his own skin. The need to be himself, combined with the feeling that he's not himself anymore, would of course compel him to make changes and shifts in his life. Despite the temporary rift, I don't think it's over for Stamets and Culber. The good doctor will have to figure out who he is now that he has returned, but once he does so, I expect he will return to his love.

Poor Ash Tyler is becoming more and more a victim of his circumstances as time goes on. First he had to deal with the fact that he had betrayed his entire crew without his knowledge, and he's still reaping the consequences of that. He must also face the fact that another person is lurking inside his psyche, just waiting to come out. This is visible in his defensive fight with Dr. Culber. If Tyler had been more aggressive, if he'd attacked Culber more directly, it's possible that Voq would have come out, and he has no idea what will happen in that case. Let's just say for now that it's a bad idea to proVoq him, and leave it at that. And now he must deal with the mistrust of the entire crew, for something he didn't do. Though I don't expect it to last long, as evil Airiam's reveal appears to be next episode, this will have to really damage the tentative trust he's built with Captain Pike all this season.

It doesn't help matters that his superiors at Section 31 are becoming less trustworthy by the minute. Leland and Georgiou seem to be headed for a substantial standoff, and I'm honestly not sure whose victory would be worse for the crew. Georgiou is upstaging Leland at every turn, even garnering more respect from the Admiralty, and Leland has to be frustrated. I wonder if the boiling point will be reached this season, or if we'll have to wait for the Section 31 series to see the conclusion of this storyline.

This brings us to the main event - Burnham and Spock. Their relationship has been set up as the focal point of the season since 'Brother,' and so far it has not disappointed. The scene where young Burnham hurt young Spock felt very real, and every word hurt because of how we know it must have damaged Spock. Burnham represented Spock's human side, and when she burned him to get him to stay away from her, he rejected his humanity also and dove deep into his Vulcan, logical half. Now that logic has failed to help him make sense of what the Angel showed him, Spock is a broken man searching for something to ground him. I expect that in the end, Burnham will be right; her relationship with Spock will be the thing that ties him to reality. In time, Spock will realize that his relationships in general are his guiding star, with the help of a certain up-and-coming young starship captain and his crew.

I have to give props to T.J. Scott for his direction here. Unlike many of the recent episodes, Scott's fancy camerawork and effects serve a legitimate artistic purpose, like the tilting, twisting camera during the Section 31 sequences to emphasize the uncertain and shifting world of 31, or the lens flares that accompanied Talosian illusions. The episode also spends an appropriate amount of time on the key emotional moments, something that episodes like 'Saints of Imperfection' have failed to do. The pace here is slow and measured, which is a relief after the frantic and rushed feeling of the last few episodes.

Strange New Worlds:

Talos IV first appeared in the unaired pilot of TOS, 'The Cage.' The rendering of the planet in this episode looked very similar to the painting used for it in the original episode.

New Life and New Civilizations:

The Talosians had a huge war on their planet, which drove them underground. When they developed their remarkable mental powers, they became addicted to the pleasures illusion could provide and forgot how to interact with the real world. The illusions they present to anyone who approaches Talos IV help them to relearn, and they are still searching for someone to learn their technology and save their race.

Pensees:

-According to Melissa George, she recorded some of Vina's original lines from 'The Cage,' which were then dubbed in alongside Susan Oliver's voice in the recap at the beginning.

-I'm pretty sure this is Pike's first Captain's log. Come to think of it, I don't think Lorca ever did it either.

-Dang it, more Vulcan Admirals. Look, guys, if Spock was the first Vulcan in Starfleet, and the only one at the time of TOS, there can't be Vulcan admirals.

-I loved Tilly leaning out of her 'office' on the bridge.

-The sound effects for the singing plants and the Talosians' illusions, as well as some of the music cues, were taken from 'The Cage.'

-Spock has been experiencing time as fluid due to the Red Angel.

-Spock mind-melded with the Angel, revealing to him that whoever is in the suit is human.

-The ships that blew up all those planets in Spock's vision looked an awful lot like the upgraded probe from 'Light and Shadows' last week. Hmmmm...

-Mental hospitals in television shows should really give their patients paper in addition to writing utensils. Just a thought.

-Of course, Spock didn't kill the people he's accused of killing. Did 31 kill them when they got there?

-Were those Reno's drones cleaning up from Culber and Tyler's fight?

-Starbase 11 is two lightyears from Talos IV

-I don't think we've seen two ships get a transporter lock on the same person at the same time before.

-I liked Burnham cocking the eyebrow at Spock's smile.

Quotes:

Georgiou: "Why would I lie?" This was only funny because of who was saying it.

Vina: "In some ways, Captain Pike never left."

Stamets: "I think what you're experiencing is a form of neutralizing shock." Culber: "It's not that simple, Paul!"

Spock: "Is there a valuable question in your arsenal?" Burnham: "Yes. Do you really think the beard is working?"

Pike: "This is real." Vina: "As real as it needs to be."

Culber: "I'm not letting anyone fix what I feel."

Illusion-Burnham: "Say goodbye, Spock." Illusion-Spock: "Goodbye, Spock." Anyone else glad this was an illusion? I saw it in a promo, and it didn't feel right. That's more of a Data line.

Georgiou: "Those Talosians tried this trick with me in the Terran universe once, and I blew them, and their stupid singing plants, off the face of the planet."

Best of the season so far. 5.5 out of 6 stupid singing plants.

CoramDeo is an ugly bag of mostly water, and proud of it.

[scourgefrontiers]

Hi this may sound rude bc tone doesn’t reflect well over text, but it’s not meant to be!!! But, what is kin?? I read your FAQ and the links with those, but I still don’t understand it fully? Like you believe (feel? Idk the correct terms) you were someone/species/thing in a different life? Or universe? I’m not sure if I understand it right, and I would like to! Sorry again if this comes across as rude or a bother! 100% don’t mean to be!!

this got long so here comes a cut boop

but i mean yeah that p much sums it up JFKADSL at least in my case, ive stated this before but kin experiences differ from person to person so im just drawing from my own experiences!  if u want to know more experiences id search around on the web for more kinnies to learn from

for me kin is like..i relate to a thing/character on a deeper level than Just Relating to them? if that makes sense? like to the point of where thats me actually. i am That.  i feel weird saying “i identify as x” because thats feels similar to how i speak about myself irt trans stuff but a lot of kinnes do say that so you do you but usually when i hear ppl explaining kin they do use “when someone identifies as something nonhuman” instead of “identifying WITH” because thats a whole other thing in the community (i have..totally not brushed up on my kin info for a long time so i dont wanna get into otherhearted vs otherkin atm)

to go deeper into it, for me (and this may sound silly but thats how it is) i feel as though my soul is sorta connected to these things/characters??? like, out there in the multiverse ????  so its less of a Past Life thing for me but more of like..ANOTHER life?  like it didnt happen in the past, it’s just happening alongside my current one..i guess

BUT like i said thats just me and not everyone is the same ofc. a common thing IS past lives and having memories from those past lives (i have memories too in a similar manner).  some people feel astral limbs such as a wolfkin feeling their tail when its not really there or an angelkin feeling their wings!  ive experienced this in the past when i heavily identified with being demonkin (i had astral horns and wings at the same time it was wild) but the last time i had any experience w/ that was with a saiyan tail for Somebody (idk who b/c i have multiple saiyan kintypes now)

to add onto that ^ some ppl believe they currently ARE those things, just not body-wise?  like their soul is that of, say, a cat. or something.  but generally we recognize that we are human in this life, this is our current body.

i feel like i should add the whole thing abt doubles in here while im thinking about it: some kinnies are uncomfortable seeing what we call “doubles” which are just people who have the same kintype(s) as you (usually this is just a fictionkin thing from what ive seen).  from what i understand (and from my own experience) this comes from how when some people id as a character they id so heavily that theyre like...thats me. thats me 100%.  literally that meme thats like “why are you me, i’m me” thats what it is lmao.  for some people it causes them to even dissociate (which...i’ll be real i feel like this is something we need to start working towards recovering from b/c that aint healthy imo.  i used to dissociate for one kintype if i saw a double but i thankfully worked past that.  now i just get mildly uncomfortable at some doubles BUT im also working to get past THAT now so, progress!) but yeah

i feel like im forgetting a lot of stuff but its like 1 am here

god i am bad at explaining things i probably confused u more and i am so sorry FJDSAKL

[orionsangel86]

13x12 - Episode Review - What is Fifth Base Anyway?

So the people at Google must have been confused when they discovered the number of searches for “fifth base” drastically went up overnight… Steve Yokey you cheeky bugger I love you! (Show of hands everyone who did this? Go on, admit it!)

This episode was really good. One of the stronger ones of an already very strong bunch as season 13 continues to exceed in quality. It had jokes, it had deep emotional revelations, it had Cas once again using his SuperPower of sassing the fuck out of things to get what he wants. Yeah it was pretty awesome! So let’s delve into the main points.

The Red Herring Love Spell

We were all expecting this to be an episode similar to 12x11 based on how it was marketed to us. Dean is under a love spell! It’s up to Sam and Rowena to save him! That seemed to be the gist of the PR team’s focus. As ever, PR is not Showrunning and this turned out to be one giant red herring.

The love spell lasted all of five minutes. So why bother? WHY was a love spell even PART of this plot?! Seriously? Someone tell me how this episode couldn’t have followed the EXACT same narrative with the sisters using some other spell to force people to do things for them? The fact is, that love spell was pointless for the plot but excellent for getting people thinking about LOVE. Specifically, Dean Winchester and LOVE, or at least, what love should be, and what it most definitely is not.

Aside from the fact that the clunky music whenever the love spell was invoked made me cringe, I thoroughly enjoyed how innocent it all seemed. Dean got to play Prince Charming to the princess and provide her with a gift of her choosing. I think it says something about Dean that the love spell encouraged this fairy tale vibe specifically for him, when for Dale at the start it was all about him playing protector and hero through violence and theft. I just thought it was an interesting statement about Dean’s wishes and desires compared to other men. Though I gotta admit, the gift giving, goofiness and oh I dunno, protecting his lover from a gun? It all seemed rather familiar to me… Hmmm…

I mean who else has Dean previously entrusted with powerful one off weapons?

Who else has Dean had to recently protect from a pointed gun much to his own horror rather than the recipient who is unlikely to be harmed by a regular gun anyway?

Who else makes Dean goofy and pull these silly delighted faces?

*looks into the camera like on the Office*

Yeah, but see these are not really examples of true love, even though they are all things done with Cas. What IS true love in season 13 is something that subtextually KEEPs getting referred to in EVERY EPISODE. That in 13x01 – 13x05 Dean was deeply lost in grief. Deeply mourning over the loss of Cas – someone who he is truly in love with. Love makes you do crazy things? Yeah, and as Billy said in 13x05 (Yokey’s last episode FYI) Dean wanted to die. Cas’s death had brought him to that level. The fact that now it is SAM who is feeling low, feeling powerless because of the loss of Mary and Jack, and Dean is able to remain focussed and have HOPE that they will save them, continues to be astonishingly hypocritical of Dean given where he was when Cas was dead. But it does keep drawing our attention to that fact, and for that I love it.

Bonus point for “I think you may be right, I think its time we go ahead and call Cas…” … “I’m in love” because Yokey could have written Sam saying ANYTHING at that point but he chose to remind the audience about Cas at that exact moment… as Dean announces he is in love, because the two are connected (and because it then wouldn’t be that much of a stretch to assume that Sam’s initial reaction is “Oh… so you finally admit it?”)

(FYI this crappy gif is my own. Don’t judge. It’s the first I’ve ever made.)

Sam’s mild amusement here just fits the “oh so you finally admit it? We can call Cas and start the wedding preparations?” interpretation and NO ONE can stop me seeing it that way! :D

Bonus Point two for the mentions of “Soulmates” (which relate to Angels in the show) and “Cosmic” (which again, tends to relate to angels and Cas).

Bonus point three that this is an episodes marketed as Dean being in love! LOOK AT ALL THIS HETEROSEXUALITY! It seems to scream at our general audiences, and yet, as always in SPN, if the GA are seeking heterosexuality, they are to be disappointed. They got a 5 minute mini love spell plot and Dean once again is without even a hint of an actual true female romantic partner. Nope, sorry heteros seeking a woman for Dean. You won’t find that here!

Basically, it’s not too much of a stretch to interpret this entire love spell mini plot as exposition for the TRUTH regarding Dean and “true love”. Because we all know it. It’s right there in the subtext. I just wish they’d make it text already.

Review continues under the cut as per usual...

Addressing Long unspoken Trauma – FINALLY

Officially my favourite part of the episode (unofficially my second fave part after “fifth base”), the conversations between Sam and Rowena about their trauma at the hands of Lucifer had me welling up. This is the first time in SPN history that Sam has actually opened up to ANYONE about his Lucifer trauma. Read that again. Be amazed that it has taken this long. Send Dabb and Yokey a fruit basket for this.

One thing season 13 has been excellent at doing, is making things textual that were previously only implied. This seems to be a continued trend following on from the reveal in 12x22 that Dean is effectively Sam’s parent (A fact meta writers have been talking about for YEARS.)

I don’t really have much to say about it actually, because it’s all just THERE in the text. It has left me kind of speechless.

SAM: Its not gonna change anything, you’re still gonna feel helpless. What Lucifer did to you…

ROWENA: I told you I don’t… before he crushed my skull, Lucifer showed me his face. His true face. I’m scared Sam. All the time.

SAM: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind… behind whatever vessel… yeah it still keeps me up at night.

ROWENA: How do you deal with it?

SAM: I guess I don’t deal with it, not really. I mean I…Ive pushed it down, and the world kept almost ending and so I keep pushing it down and I dunno… I don’t really talk about it, not even with Dean, I mean I could… he would listen but, it’s not something I really know how to share.

…..

SAM: Even if you do get the book, and even if you get your power back. It won’t matter. You won’t ever be able to change what happened, you won’t be able to change how helpless you felt, or how helpless you feel. You’re still gonna get scared. That feeling, that feeling never goes away.

ROWENA: Never?

SAM: Never.

…

Honestly it’s perfect. Yokey has decided that enough is enough. We need to discuss this. We need to talk about the fact that our main characters have a shit load of trauma. It’s about GODDAMN TIME.

(x)

I just want to scream about the shots for a second though because god bless Amanda Tapping for being so excellent at capturing emotions. I am starting to think she is one of the best directors for it. The intimate long close ups on the actors faces as they open about this stuff, it just works. The soft music in the back ground pulls no focus away from the gravity of Sam’s words. It’s intense, and harrowing and kudos to Jared here because I think he must have been ITCHING for a moment like this for Sam for YEARS (and for god sake someone ask him about this scene at a con instead of more bloody prank questions PLEASE.)

I also love that it’s Rowena who Sam opens up to about this stuff, because she has that in common with him. I know that it can be argued that Cas has also experienced trauma at the hands of Lucifer, but since Cas is an angel it’s not the same. I doubt Lucifer’s true face would affect Cas, since Cas is already an angel with the ability to see and cope with seeing things that human minds struggle to comprehend.

I think Rowena and Sam is our new Dean and Crowley. They are enemies, but they have a mutual respect for one another and I see this as a really good thing both for Sam and Rowena. Because Crowley was changed thanks to his bond with Dean (love for Dean), he was able to find redemption in that. Rowena could also now find redemption, especially considering her newly powered up status. For Sam I think it was a smart choice to give Rowena the pages at the end. It wasn’t just about the bond they formed over shared trauma, it was Sam knowing that Rowena is right, that Lucifer will always find a way back, and Sam knows that eventually he will have to face him again, and he needs all the help and power he can get, so a powered up Rowena is a powerful ally to have against the creature that tortured and broke both their spirits.

Am I shipping them? No, not really. I still think Rowena is a villain. I never shipped Drowley, though I acknowledge it’s existence in the show as basically a hairsbreadth away from canon. (it’s technically just as close to canon if not more so than Destiel and strongly implied that they hooked up in various episodes). But if the show did go there with Sam and Rowena I wouldn’t mind it as such. I just don’t think it would be endgame. But sure, it could work for a while. I see them more like frenemies with mutual interests. Besides, I’m a Saileen girl all the way and will continue to hope for Eileen’s resurrection this season.

Narrative Mirrors – Witches and Winchesters

Ah narrative mirrors, don’t we love them? I especially love them when they highlight the Winchester family dynamics and just how screwed up they all are. Our witchy sisters fall extremely easily into this category. Jamie and Jenny or “J2” as I now plan to call them (I see what you did there Yokey). So J2 are motivated to do whatever it takes to bring back mum. Whatever it takes even though they are hardly competent witches and only seem to have one spell mastered – the love spell. The older sister uses her charm to encourage the victims to do whatever they wish for, whilst the younger sister is the smarter of the two, more skilled in magic (I wonder who they are supposed to represent?)

They have one purpose, and will stop at nothing until that purpose is fulfilled:

JAMIE: I’m sorry, I know I’m the big sister and I’m supposed to be the strong one or whatever.

JENNY: Yeah?

JAMIE: I just really miss her.

JENNY: I do too.

JAMIE: I know, and I like, really believe in us

JENNY: Jamie, I just want her back so bad

JAMIE: And we’re going to get her back, even if we have to cast every spell in this book and curse the souls of like a million people to make it happen.

Doesn’t this sound rather familiar? Like from 13x09:

DEAN: You were right, about mom you were right, this whole time we should have been looking for her

SAM: I was just hoping, I didn’t know. And anyway it doesn’t matter, now that we do know.

DEAN: We find her, no matter what it takes.

Which always made me kinda uncomfortable. There is a reason that Billy didn’t want Dean knowing their mum was still alive. Because Billy knows that the Winchesters would break the Universe to bring her back. “House of Cards” she called it. What’s the betting that thanks to Sam and Dean this “house of cards” is going to come tumbling down just as Billy predicted? Because I would put money on it.

At the end of the episode, we realise that Sam and Dean are in exactly the same place as J2. Jamie – the older sister, trying to support and reassure her younger sister, the one who “wants mom back so badly”. Jamie, unlike her sister, is totally focused on completing their task, whereas Jenny has her doubts. Just like Sam and Dean. We know that Dean is back to “We’ll figure it out” and “you and me” even though Sam is NOT on board with this, but like Jenny, Sam will follow Dean into a hornets nest if it means doing what they set out to do and save mum.

The girls mum came back wrong though, a zombie. When Mary was first resurrected she certainly wasn’t what the boys expected either, and now she is lost again, whose to say just what state she will be in when she is finally freed? Perhaps the message for the boys here is to actually let her go? As in, let go of the memory of Mary that they had sat on a pedestal (Dean in particular) and start to accept the woman their mother actually is, and let her do her thing, because otherwise it may kill them all.

And isn’t this moment just a perfect visual representation of the toxic co-dependency that is the Winchester brothers? Stab stab stab. One of them even has a hammer… LOL.

(Yup its another one of my crappy gifs.)

The Sassiest Angel in the Garrison

Oh Cas, I have missed your beautiful face…

(x)

(Dipper agrees with me)

Now I think everyone knows by now that I hate Lucifer. As in, I find the character extremely irritating and just want him off our screens dead and buried, and that Mark P can go annoy some other shows audience. The ONLY thing that makes watching Lucifer remotely bearable for me, is Castiel - wonderful, perfect, funny, grumpy, brilliant Castiel, sassing the fuck out of him. Bearing in mind all their scenes but one took place behind bars, I was as always captivated by Cas and the brilliant genius he is.

So far in season 13, Castiel hasn’t actually spent much time using his powers, his grace, to actually get anything done. What he has done, is be incredibly smart and used that tactician brain of his to talk himself out of any situation. Everything Castiel does has a purpose. He is generally a creature of few words (except when it comes to Dean) and therefore, whenever he does speak, it is usually with a great deal of thought. (There was a brilliant meta on the word “assbutt” and how it is the worst insult he could possibly throw at Lucifer and yet everyone still ridicules him for it. Don’t knock the word assbutt. Cas knew exactly what he was doing!)

And so Cas isn’t just being a sassy little bitch in this episode. He’s being a sassy little bitch with purpose. Lucifer may be powered down, but he still has power. Cas knows this. Cas knows that the best way to get Lucifer activating what little power he has is to make him angry. So what does Cas do? He sass’s him, over and over. Pissing him off until eventually, it works.

“Turns out rage is a good motivator”

Such a badass. Bye bye little Dipper.

This is why you should never underestimate Castiel. He will always get the better of you. He will always come out on top in the end.

“This is me, learning from my mistakes” he says whilst stabbing Lucifer at the end of the episode. I thoroughly enjoyed that moment of course, even if we know already it doesn’t stick. Since Lucifer is alive next episode. *sigh*.

Lucifer has been continuously hinting all episode that he want’s Cas’s grace. It seems possible due to pics from next week, that he may actually get what he seeks.

Cas has blood on his collar, which he doesn’t have at the end of 13x12. So is Cas about to become human again? Or at least graceless? It’s possible. @tinkdw​ wrote this post about it (yes I stole her screencap). We were discussing this in our group chat yesterday and thanks to the themes that would come from another human!Cas story I can certainly get behind it, even if I hate the idea that it isn’t his choice yet again. This time, having Lucifer steal his grace seems worse than the first time. But as I mentioned above, Castiel has already shown several times this season that his grace is in no way where his strengths lie. I just hope that it is still his choice in the end to give it up, or not regain it, however that story may pan out.

But yeah maybe prepare ourselves for a human Cas whose grace was stolen by Lucifer plot? I mean if it doesn’t happen great, but if it does... don’t say we didn’t warn ya okay? I know how sensitive we all get about Cas stuff - this is literally the first any of us had thought of this. Besides, he’ll still be amazing even if Lucifer does take his grace, He’ll get in a few more stabs before the end. No doubt.

Other Awesome Stuff

The “fifth base” scene. Yeah this was certainly risqué of Yokey. I was screaming about this to Tink in the chatty bubbles, trust a gay writer to throw in a gay joke aimed at our currently in the closet bisexual lead character and have him act all awkward like he doesn’t know what it is… *glances at Sam* What? Nope, I’ve never… There’s NO SUCH THING AS FIFTH BASE. Sure Jan. Just as I scoff at the idea of Dean not knowing basic French, the idea that Dean DOESN’T know what fifth base is, is absurd. These are purposely input into this episode to raise our eyebrows and DOUBT them.

Baring in mind the way Rowena asks that question “Did THEY get to fifth base?” not “Did YOU get to fifth base” strongly implies actually that Rowena was asking if Dean was pegged. Let’s get that clear. Once again, we have a bottom!dean joke in the subtext of the show. (At some point we need to round up EVERY reference to Dean’s ass and compare it to the other characters just to make this point.)

Oh gosh I haven’t even got to “What’s by is by” yet. The top result in google for this supposed saying is a destiel fanfic written as coda for this episode. There is NOTHING else. It doesn’t exist. What is Yokey playing at exactly? Bygones be bygones maybe? But she had to say it like that? After a reference to anal? To DEAN? Yeah I know everyone is probably already yelling about this on tumblr but still. This is a very huge WTF from me to Yokey that he would ever think we WOULDN’T pick up on this. He did it on purpose. It has a reason, just like everything else. The reason being “Dean is Bi”.

......

(x)

The final scene with Rowena is spectacular. It’s also oddly erotic but maybe that’s just me. Rowena is finally unbound, powerful, free, and probably quite deadly. Here’s hoping she raises a hell of a storm. I have always loved Rowena’s character so for me this idea of her being “unbound” and basically immortal is really interesting. I just hope this paves the way to her helping the Winchesters defeat the big bads to come. Because I see her becoming more of an ally as time goes by. I hope she continues to have a big part to play in the story, and after this final scene I am practically sure she will. 

....

Castiel speaking about Jack like he’s a proud parent gives me life. He truly loves the kid. It’s beautiful.

....

Why does Lucifer attract so many dick jokes nowadays? I’m actually almost getting tired of them. For shits and giggles I’m gonna accept it at face value that Lucifer, unlike Crowley, is not well endowed. It makes sense. The tantrums, the violence. Little man syndrome. Pfft.

I’m also going to take it at face value that Cas is most likely huge. Yeah, that smirk is telling.

We all know he’s a big boy. ;-)

.... 

Hats off to Brenda. The biggest star of the episode. Never failed to make me laugh every time I watched.

You go Brenda. You were awesome.

Overall

Solid episode with lots of great moments. Now all I need is Cas to find the boys and get really pissy with them when he realises they didn’t ONCE figure out that Colonel Sanders was impersonating him. I mean sure, Dean has super low self esteem and was clearly grumpy with Cas at the start of the episode for only really checking in with Sam, not coming home after taking off, clearly CHOOSING the road over being at home with HIM... But that doesn’t excuse him being blind to Asmodeus’s impersonation. Bring on next week. I hope Dean grovels.

[fifidunks]

hi fifi. i'm so incredibly lonely. and 3 days ago I got my heart broken so bad. what should I do to ease this pain? i see no perspectives in my life and ive been feeling this way for the last 5 years or so. thank you

you’ve funny timing angel. under the force of Saturn, relegated to my bedroom for lack of FUNds, I just started writing personal stuff again. waking up with words on my fingertips… their goal seems to be to cast a s-p-e-l-l that’ll set me & all my girls free. so we can stop taking things so personally. this morning:

All my life, or since puberty at least, it’s been easy for me to see that others were alive and hard for me to feel it except in extremes. I’ve sought to exist with regards to others by feeling seen, by getting hurt, and by loving like it’s a service. This lead to crisis.Most of the women in my life seem to be afflicted with something similar. We’ve anxiety disorders. Suffer depressions. Bipolar swings. And furies. We’ve anger and overcompensatory vanity and intellection. High-achievers, my girls are public successes, even famed. But I’ve seen them in their living rooms, gauntly yellow, telling me if they didn’t perform as they do, they’d kill themselves, and that anyway, they’re convinced they’re dying or will soon, which is probably true, if they think it. Becoming real friends with real women changed my life. It was maybe the first step to becoming real which I hope to soon. I want to take their pain away. I will eat it like I do my feelings, slathered in nut butter. And I will shit it in the form of writing. Everything I write is shit; why do I think this? 

That was something like a riff on this diary entry, from dec 23/16 (sorry sleepy you’re getting copy/pastes):

from ~puberty until recently (i’m 29), i experienced Life like gravity that is under low to high tenor anxiety with bouts of low to deep depression, blue moons of depersonalization, and breathtaking reprieves of manic joy, lust, hunger, anger, inspiration, illusion, freedom, n fun, usually facilitated by drugs, especially that most potent one - love. i thought this was “normal” not that i wanted to be normal - in fact, my wanting to be + have more more ______ is largely responsible it seems for the anxiety depression mania etc. only now do i get - oh wait - u can live day in n out in blissful simple stable renewable energy generous blessed okay so so so okay with being OK just dust laughing awestruck responsible plus bigger orgasms. never too late to remember how to be. love, fifips this was here all along ofcpps respect we may lose it again truthfully it’s very likelyppps bliss has a lot to do w/ accepting lack it seems, while anxiety/depression/addiction - addiction - is filling that void which can’t be

So after that day, as if to check my hubris, Life brought me Drama & I “lost” It again. he he.

Then last night my something like a boyfriend who I avoid when I’m not Real cause how could he love something that’s not Real? called me “not to judge but…” (I’ve been unreal more than less since Dec 24.) he ended up reading me this letter by Rilke, which his dad had shared with him, and which he prefaced with “it’s common—maybe you’ve heard it.” I hadn’t. I’ll share it with you now, as for some reason I’m assuming you’re a woman, and those lines made me cry, and even if woman’s not how you identify, it’s all good, and this is really what I want to get to, that loneliness is so good dude, first step to solitude (read it out loud): 

…you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it. This very wish, if you use it calmly and prudently and like a tool, will help you spread out your solitude over a great distance. Most people have (with the help of conventions) turned their solutions toward what is easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult; everything alive trusts in it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself any way it can and is spontaneously itself, tries to be itself at all costs and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must trust in what is difficult is a certainty that will never abandon us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it. It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time ahead and far on into life, is—; solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves. Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent—?), it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances. Only in this sense, as the task of working on themselves (“to hearken and to hammer day and night”), may young people use the love that is given to them. Merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must still, for a long, long time, save and gather themselves); it is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives are as yet barely large enough. But this is what young people are so often and so disastrously wrong in doing they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment… : And what can happen then?  What can life do with this heap of half-broken things that they call their communion and that they would like to call their happiness, if that were possible, and their future? And so each of them loses himself for the sake of the other person, and loses the other, and many others who still wanted to come. And loses the vast distances and possibilities, gives up the approaching and fleeing of gentle, prescient Things in exchange for an unfruitful confusion, out of which nothing more can come; nothing but a bit of disgust, disappointment, and poverty, and the escape into one of the many conventions that have been put up in great numbers like public shelters on this most dangerous road. No area of human experience is so extensively provided with conventions as this one is: there are live-preservers of the most varied invention, boats and water wings; society has been able to create refuges of very sort, for since it preferred to take love-life as an amusement, it also had to give it an easy form, cheap, safe, and sure, as public amusements are. It is true that many young people who love falsely, i.e., simply surrendering themselves and giving up their solitude (the average person will of course always go on doing that — ), feel oppressed by their failure and want to make the situation they have landed in livable and fruitful in their own, personal way —. For their nature tells them that the questions of love, even more than everything else that is important, cannot be resolved publicly and according to this or that agreement; that they are questions, intimate questions from one human being to another, which in any case require a new, special, wholly personal answer —. But how can they, who have already flung themselves together and can no longer tell whose outlines are whose, who thus no longer possess anything of their own, how can they find a way out of themselves, out of the depths of their already buried solitude? They act out of mutual helplessness, and then if, with the best of intentions, they try to escape the conventions that is approaching them (marriage, for example), they fall into the clutches of some less obvious but just as deadly conventional solution. For then everything around them is — convention. Wherever people act out of a prematurely fused, muddy communion, every action is conventional: every relation that such confusion leads to has its own convention, however unusual (i.e., in the ordinary sense immoral) it may be; even separating would be a conventional step, an impersonal, accidental decision without strength and without fruit. Whoever looks seriously will find that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any clarification, any solution, any hint of a path been perceived; and for both these tasks, which we carry wrapped up and hand on without opening, there is not general, agreed-upon rule that can be discovered. But in the same measure in which we begin to test life as individuals, these great Things will come to meet us, the individuals, with greater intimacy. The claims that the difficult work of love makes upon our development are greater than life, and we, as beginners, are not equal to them. But if we nevertheless endure and take this love upon us as burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in the whole easy and frivolous game behind which people have hidden from the solemnity of their being, — then a small advance and a lightening will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us. That would be much. We are only just now beginning to consider the relation of one individual to a second individual objectively and without prejudice, and our attempts to live such relationships have no model before them. And yet in the changes that time has brought about there are already many things that can help our timid novitiate. [This was where I started to bawl.] The girl and the woman, in their new, individual unfolding, will only in passing be imitators of male behavior and misbehavior and repeaters of male professions. After the uncertainty of such transitions, it will become obvious that women were going through the abundance and variation of those (often ridiculous) disguises just so that they could purify their own essential nature and wash out the deforming influences of the other sex. Women, in whom life lingers and dwells more immediately, more fruitfully, and more confidently, must surely have become riper and more human in their depths than light, easygoing man, who is not pulled down beneath the surface of life by the weight of any bodily fruit and who, arrogant and hasty, undervalues what he thinks he loves. This humanity of woman, carried in her womb through all her suffering and humiliation, will come to light when she has stripped off the conventions of mere femaleness in the transformations of her outward status, and those men who do not yet feel it approaching will be astonished by it. Someday (and even now, especially in the countries of northern Europe, trustworthy signs are already speaking and shining), someday there will be girls and women whose name will no longer mean the mere opposite of the male, but something in itself, something that makes one think not of any complement and limit, but only life and reality: the female human being. This advance (at first very much against the will of the outdistanced men) will transform the love experience, which is now filled with error, will change it from the ground up, and reshape it into a relationship that is meant to be between one human being and another, no longer one that flows from man to woman. And this more human love (which will fulfill itself with infinite consideration and gentleness, and kindness and clarity in binding and releasing) will resemble what we are now preparing painfully and with great struggle: the love that consists in this: the two solitudes protect and border and greet each other. And one more thing: Don’t think that the great love which was once granted to you, when you were a boy, has been lost; how can you know whether vast and generous wishes didn’t ripen in you at that time, and purposes by which you are still living today? I believe that that love remains strong and intense in your memory because it was your first deep aloneness and the first inner work that you did on your life. — All good wished to you, dear Mr. Kappus! Yours, Rainer Maria Rilke

MoreYou can always email. fad.duncan@gmail.com. I’d prefer it. I fear publicity aka the Internet lately. Words Are Not Safe Here. 

[diamondarmored-blog1]

Just some stuff from yesterday’s post nothin’ special particularly--

@corditeheart  Idek, it's so small that people think one comment speaks for the entire fandom

INCOHERENT HOWLING NOISES. I can’t even comprehend this mindset. Clearly I am still a summer child who knows not the struggle of fandom veterans. I was relatively late to the party and it’s still my firm opinion that people can do what they want as long as it’s not in an attempt to overwrite someone else. I sort of assume everyone else feels like that as well, so it’s never occurred to me to take one comment as law.

@ahmyhotdog I can only speak from where I've been. Most people in this fandom are nice. This is true. I've met way more nicer people than not nice. But I think part of the issue is if you don't want to people with certain people for whatever reason then a lot of others just don't seem to play with you as well? Or it could just simply be once you find people you enjoy playing with you just end up not looking for new muns to play with.

That’s true, actually! So it could be partly down to misreading peoples’ motivations for doing that? I would usually assume it’s because our headcanons don’t mesh, though I will say that’s happened to me elsewhere. I don’t think it’s the fault of the collective though, I think there are just arseholes wherever you go. Idk, I hear “x is a bad fandom” and I think of Bloodborne (INB4 SOMEONE IS A BLOODBORNE PART TIMER AND TAKES OFFENCE... @ them, come on, man, you know exactly what I mean here. BB is a mushroom cloud on the horizon for everyone else). 

@eruditorem I’ve heard things but honestly ive never seen anything and everyone has been so welcoming??? so idk either. also i dont pick my nose, i pick my butt. i  mean... wait-- dont reply to that

Mostly adding this so everyone knows Bri picks her butt

@legendaryturk Hmm.  Well I'm kind of newish to the fandom at least for RP, and I think...things just go in cycles?  I've seen ups and downs in various fandoms - not just 8, but also ffvii, doctor who, mgs, and tons of other fandoms I've RPed in.  overall I'd say ff8 has been mostly welcoming to me? it's small, and tumblr being the animal it is, people may just flock toward others who share similar writing styles or fanon. Idk, if I find I have something in common with another mun, be it writing style or fanon ideas, I'll kind of squee with them over it, but I *never* do so with the intent of excluding others, kwim? that said, there are times where I feel like muns talk around me and there's a joke I'm not in on, but, I think that's just the beast that is tumblr, and not fandom related tbh.

You were in MGS tho//// / ?!?!?/q/1/

That part about not doing it with the intent to exclude is so important tbh. So far, I’m getting the impression that most of it is misunderstanding. I can’t imagine anyone I’ve come across so far being deliberately dickish in that way. Eg, there’s one person I can think of who doesn’t really want to acknowledge me, but that’s okay, cos I know they’re a heavy Seiferx[redacted] shipper and I’ve already said I’m not, so I’d not be much use to them. We still follow each other, though, and I can’t think that they’d be all like YOU CAN’T SIT WITH ME if I spoke to them.

@diosleighrp  There's douchenozzles in every fandom who try to dictate what other fans can and can't do. It's quite unfortunate, but there are just entitled brats everywhere.

I can’t say much about this, I haven’t had it! Idk why. Maybe I’m too babbymode for the haters to have found. I have had it elsewhere though so I know what you mean and you’re right, they are definitely lurking somewhere. They’re lurking everywhere. 

@lionseed Just like American politics, it's the small angry voices that get the most attention for some reason. Sometimes there's a bad experience, and people take that as proof the fandom is shit.

MMMM and there’s always people with a bad experience to talk about because nowhere’s perfect, so I guess it’s partly on the reader to be on it enough to realise that. I would like if people within the fandom wouldn’t say that about all currently participating members though :( Obviously people can talk about their experience, good or bad, but their experience is with a person, not all of us. 

@underplater Okay, so. I will say that what I've personally experienced with the ff8 fandom is a lot of, "oh wow, I really like your blog and your take on the character you're doing. That's wonderful!" "Oh awesome, do you maybe want to do something with her/him/me?" "Uh... Maybe." Which... Means no. And then people are always all, "You just keep doing you, dear, it's wonderful," but no one sends in memes or replies to stuff? And it just.. I always feel like I'm pressed up against the glass, looking in.So I'd say my experience with the ff8 comm has definitely been that it's very insular and hard to for me, personally speaking, to break in on. ... Sorry, I'm fairly sure this was about my comment earlier? I think I was the one who used insular.... Unless, of course, I guess the problem could be me? But if it is, I wish someone would tell me so that I could drop the muses and just stop cluttering up people's dashes.

JJKASHDJASHFGGHFJDSJJHH this hurt me to read and is the main reason I’ve made time to do this reply post rn. I couldn’t remember who said what, to be honest with you and it surprises me that it was you, purely because you’re always one of the first people to come to mind when I think of “the FFVIII community”, you seem like a valued part of it to me, even if you’re not one of the most active. YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT THE PROBLEM. I can’t really say with 100% certainty what *is*. With the meme thing, I think it depends what it is. If someone reblogs one of those “send me x and I’ll tell you about y”, I try to send it, but if it’s a starter or something that feels thready, I won’t unless I have an idea to back it with, cos it doesn’t feel any different to writing an actual starter for me. I’d rather do that, but I won’t do it uninvited/randomly because that’s putting pressure on someone who didn’t ask for it. If a lot of people do the same as me and don’t mention it, then that could be a big factor because people can well end up waiting for each other to approach without realising it. It might also be something to do with you having multiple blogs (particularly Reno) and that altering your perception. The reason I say that is because I had the exact same thing myself, I had a male muse in a fandom and everyone loved him - mostly everyone wanted to lowkey do him tbh - and I had a female one who got comparatively zero attention because she wasn’t as accessible to such a wide audience. Ellone in particular is a complex character and it’s a sad fact that people tumblr-wide aren’t always into the idea of paying attention to something before they interact with it. Reno is much more easy to interact with in a casual way, since he’s had more exposure in source material and is widely regarded as being a fun, not-serious character (though I acknowledge he very likely IS, and I know from experience that you will have put a lot of thought into him - I love Reno and anything that gives him some substance). He attracts people from further afield, people who might have only seen Advent Children or only know him through fan works. Ellone doesn’t have a movie or much fanfic, and she’s not really subject of the most popular speculation (lbr - by that I mean “who she’s sleeping with”), so she doesn’t have that far a reach. Your Ellone is so valuable to the whole community, you have a hell of a lot to share in your headcanons and your ideas. I haven’t seen you use Julia too much yet, but I’m sure she’ll be that way too. I think you should pick one of those ideas, pick someone who seems like they could pull it off and tell them about it, because I’m so sure 90% if not 100% of us would thread them with you. That’s all I do tbh!! I’m always prepared for someone to say no, but mostly they’re happy to have been approached with an idea to use as a starting point. PLEASE DON’T DROP THEM. You’re not cluttering up anything. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s sad to see you inactive on her whenever you are, tbh. I don’t think you realise how essential she is. I know it’s a small, slow fandom, but anything you post raises the overall standard for the sheer fact you did it, and it had your characteristic level of consideration put in. Course, I’m probably biased, cos I think I can tell when people work more behind the scenes than out front on their muse and the related background and I appreciate that, always have.

@misplacedxheroics .... I'm hoping this is permitted that I comment, as it was my blog where you read this post. I'm only addressing what I've experienced in the community, not trying to speak for everyone here. In my personal experience with VIII, more often than not, I see a lot of the insular behavior mentioned. Several blogs that start up are made to feel so unwelcomed that they leave or close up shop. Then there are the pass/agg anons, the ones who attack strong female characters (OC or otherwise) and 'correct' headcanons for canon characters. Whoever the person is, I have to believe it's just one single person. But anons have begun to reach out and outright tell people who they can or can't write with, which is baffling. And lastly, I'm guilty of this, and I'll own it -- We also become so comfortable and so familiar with who we write with we don't try out other players. There's also the overlap of muns playing with 'private' blogs. To me, the word 'private' tells me I don't have access to them. So what's the bother in following or engaging if everyone who writes muses that are in the fandom closed off to the rest of us? I can't say how the fandom should be run, I know I'm the least liked person in this fandom but this is my experience. A very polarizing, cold and unwelcoming experience.  We need to communicate more among one another, set clear boundaries and maintain community and unity, imo.

I think private is just a word people slap on a blog to make it look legit these days, or as a get-out clause if they find themselves followed by some kind of My Immortal Eldritch horror. Least, that’s what I’ve seen in my travels. Private blogs seem to favour their existing friends, but be open to others who will bring them ideas. I had one blog I called private and that’s because I kept getting people saying “wanna rp?” and I’d be like “yeah okay” and they’d literally say “alright you come up with an idea then”. ? / / //???? Also... I’m trying to word this in the least mean-sounding way possible because I’m not one to shit on anyone’s parade, but if I’m really honest with you, I had to unfollow you on an older blog because you were posting vagues about people so often. I don’t mind when people vent, but it got to the point where it was almost every day someone was on blast and I felt like I’d walked in on a family argument. You can do what you want with your blog, it’s on me to unfollow if I don’t like it, so I did. But. Any oversensitive person seeing it probably assumed you meant them and that might have something to do with you finding it difficult to connect with people. You follow that up by slating the entire fandom when it’s not exactly a fandom problem, which makes people less likely to approach you as you’ve already indirectly blasted them. I’ve had people tell me more than once that you’ve posted something about me without naming me; notably when you made a point of reblogging that one anti-Xu post from an inactive account after saying you hate people who disagree with you “on purpose”. I had just posted a silly Xu support one liner that got a few reblogs. I don’t really have a fig to give whether it was about me or not, but it’s a good example of how a vaguepost causes negative ripples. If one person assumed that was about me, another ten probably guessed it was someone else. I was welcomed to the fandom with a couple of how-do-you-dos and an anon telling me to stay away from you or you’d bully me into deleting. That was the first of several. Then you got that anon telling you to stop sending me hate when you hadn’t (what basis did that have?), and one of your friends for some reason assumed I was the one who had sent it and demanded that “anon” show IP proof, which gives the impression that they’d been led to believe it was me for some reason. I know you said you didn’t understand the logic behind me saying that, but we’re both running Statcounter, you know as well as I do how it works and what the implications are of saying that. It’s also how I know the anons I’ve had that I’ve mentioned are not all one person. Maybe it really was a totally out-of-nowhere thing that person said, but when you combine it with the vagues and the assertions that there’s a split in the fandom that no one else (so far) has detected, it causes bigger problems than it would on its own. I’m not trying to put you on blast, this ain’t a callout post and I haven’t taken any of it to heart - it’s no big deal to me - I’m just trying to offer an outsiders’ perspective because I read this as you being honestly oblivious to it, and if I didn’t I’d either have to ignore your comment or lie to you, neither of which I think you’d appreciate - and I assume since you made the effort to drop in despite not following me that you would want a response.