#ive only posted a couple videos to youtube but i try to give them all captions

[mbat]

editing captions is sucking my soul from my body but i have to do it augh

[wolves-and-stars]

FAMOUS WOLFSTAR AU FIC RECS

(A list of the the best famous AU fics, including youtube, musician/band, and acting)

1. Sex Pistols by ArtificialAorta (ffnet) 86k

MUSICIAN/BAND AU!

I love this fic, it was on my last list too, remus is the lead singer and gutarist for the punk rock band belladonna, and he meets the lead singer of the pop band maraders, sirius black, at a press tour.

The music the author mentions in the fic is so good, it really helps you get immeresed in the scene they mention the song for.

2. Stalking Sirius by remuslives23 (ao3) 36k

MUSICIAN SIRIUS BLACK

Journalist remus lupin finds out a secret about sirius black, the lead singer of the band marauders, and uses it as leverage to gain an interview with the ever mysterious and elusive singer.

3. Whatever Words I Say by orphan_account (ao3) 23k

MUSICIAN SIRIUS BLACK

Remus Lupin is hired by lily evans and her PR company to babysit sirius black, the lead singer of her husband's band, the marauders, after the latest media frenzy cause by Sirius' cavalier attitude. Remus realises maybe sirius doesn't act out because of any of the expected reasons.

4. Never Above You, Never Below by orphan_account (ao3) 5k

ACTOR SIRIUS BLACK

Sirius just wants to shop at tesco in peace when a young boy recongnises him and drags out his father, remus lupin. It would annoy sirius, except the guy is kind of cute. (Actor! Sirius, Single dad! Remus) starring baby teddy.

5. Addicted To The Magic by orphan_account (ao3) 14k

ACTOR SIRIUS BLACK

Remus runs into a stranger on the tube and gets swept up in a whirlwind romance, except he doesnt know what the starnger does or really anything about him. Maybe he'll find out at the party sirius' invites him to?

Side pairing of james and lily, but isn't boring like all the other ones, they actually have personalities other than being the boring hetero couple.

6. Forever Is a State of Mind by orphan_account (ao3) 25k

YOUTUBER AU!

Remus lupin is runs a dance youtube channel, where he posts choreographies with his son teddy. He's also deaf and people find it hard to understand how someone who can't hear music could love to dance so much, people like rita skeeter who hires snape as a terp for a new paper article she wants to write about him. Except sanpe is the kind of terp that only signs SLS, remus runs into james, CODA, who helps him out. He also happens to introduce him to sirius black his best mate who is a MUA youtuber, with a decent amount of followers.

With a side pairing of polyamorous james/lily/regulus raising harry together. (Y'all dont understand this fic made me jump in the jegulus train way back in 2016, and ive been patiently waiting for all of you to catch up)

7. real life has no appeal by orphan_account (ao3) 7k

YOUTUBER AU!

Sirius, james and peter have a channel where they break into places overnight, trying to escape getting caught. James starts dating lily, who happens to be remus' roomate. Remus has his own channel, less break-in, more artsy. Sirius happens to text remus. They happen to fall for each other.

8. Wizard beat by eprime

MUSICIAN REMUS LUPIN

Sirius black is remus lupins biggest fan, their new roomate john finds his passion for the singer very annoying. Sirius finds his new roomate annoying, or does he?

9. The Prom Date by xivz (ao3) 48k

MUSICIAN SIRIUS BLACK

Remus Lupin does something very out of character, he sends a promposal video to Sirius Black, the very famous singer/actor/model who hes had a crush on for wuite some time.

Siruius Black happes to accept his request. And is determined to break the rules of their contract by relentlessly pursuing him.

10. The tell-all end-all with Sirius Black by wolvesandstars 1.5k

MUSICIAN SIRIUS BLACK

This one is by me, sorry about the shameless plus, i really wanted the list to have 10 in them.

Give it a try, its about how the paps speculate about sirius blacks mystery boyfriend and all the conspiracies surrounding him and his ex-best friend and ex-roomate remus lupin.

[destinyc1020]

Sunday Confessions:

1. I wonder if Sydney n her man r actually going to get married. I dnt care for her bt feel for her somewhat cuz i think she met him when she was like 18/19.. and they have a 13 yr age gap 💀 they also work together, he does smthn regarding her production company so, their very attached. If he treats her well then good for her

2. I really dnt get showcasing your kid as much as DDG do. Hes a beautiful boy bt the amound of weirdos online... culdnt b me personally, i find it dangerous and the kid didnt ask to get showcased. I remember this tweet of Halle complaining about ppl speaking on her career/son and telling folks to leave her alone. I dnt think folks shuld tell her how to live her life and in no way is it ok to comment on a baby negatively, bt then at the same time yr bf/baby daddy is literally tweeting, livestreaming and making youtube videos that showcase yr son☠️ make it make sense.

3. Ik folks like to clown John David bt imo he really aint that bad of a actor, he just isnt his dad lol i found him to b fine in everything ive seen him in. I think his sister, Olivia Washington is a beyter actor bt i guess nepotism dsnt apply if your a brown/dark skinned woman 😔

4. Nt deuxmoi havimg the Kaia/Austin rumor and JE/Olivia vacation pics side by side lol the 4 of them stay connected lmaoo

https://www.instagram.com/deuxmoi/?hl=en

5. I wuldnt b shocked if Ayo/Jeremy had smthn down the line lol mayb they really r just good friends bt that video if him rubbing her back/touching her braids at that baseball gamr awhile back was suspicious. Mayb their just really touchy tho lol

1. Giiiiirrrrrl....I don't think so. 👀 Anytime I've seen super long engagements like this, they almost NEVER actually make it down the aisle, and the couple actually ends up breaking up. You can't be THAT busy to just get married lol.

2. I haven't been seeing what Duck Duck Goose has been posting on his social media tbh, but you all already know how I feel about him. 😒 Halle did not procreate with a man on her level (if you ask me), but hey, it's her life, not mine! 🤷🏾‍♀️ As long as she's happy, then oh well! 😅🤐

3. Rofl 🤣 Hey girl, it's okay if you've always loved JDW's acting. Art is subjective anyway lol. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I thought he was horrible in "TENET". Everyone (including the extras and side characters were all out-acting him, and he actually has an Oscar-winning ACTOR for a father! 😩🥴😭 I didn't think he was that bad in "Blackkklansman". JDW did some theater more recently, so he's probably improved quite a bit! I will always give someone another chance or two lol. 🤭

4. 🤭🤣😅

5. You know what, I used to kinda think so too in the past, but the way she recoiled back in sheer HORROR when they asked her on the red carpet about his sexy photoshoot for some magazine, I said to myself, "Errrmmmm....I guess NOT!" LOL 😆 🤣 She didn't even try to play it off lol! 😅 She literally FLINCHED like it was something painful to even think of him in that way! Rofl 🤣 I actually posted her reaction on my blog! 😅 So, from then on, I figured that she must really only view him strictly as a brother lol. I don't think there's ever been anything there girl lol. Her gut-level, instant reaction told me everything I needed to know rofl 🤣

[gibbearish]

alright gamers here we go again, once again it is a lovely bouquet of lies, although i'll give him points for trying on some parts. i think he's probably gotten a little bit better but. yeah two months is not long enough for a person to completely change sorry

anyways play by play below the cut, this is not a 100% comprehensive or word-for-word transcript, this is just bits that stood out to me going through it as someone who has watched the plagiarism and youtube video WAY too many fucking times

"i've been reaching out to the people i plagiarized to apologize" - well hey at least he's figured out the word this time, sucks that a couple of those people posted screenshots of your emails and they sucked lmao

"ive heard back from a few of them and they were actually incredibly nice, accepting my apology and just imploring me to do better in the future" yes we are all aware that you can still just say whatever words you want but again people posted screenshots of the emails you sent them

"im a cis white gay man, no matter how much i try to be a good spokesperson, i can never really truly understand the life experiences of other far more put-upon members of the queer community" you didnt "try" to be good at it lmao you deliberately talked over everyone you could. also. put-upon?🤨

"this is one of the reasons that i would use their own words" FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

"i never thought that i was the only voice out there as some have said, but being a cis white man i thought i might be able to win over some people who wouldn't otherwise listen unless it was someone who looks and sounds just like them" holy shit. holy shit this dude cannot be serious right now.

"what i thought was inclusive ended up leaving a lot of people feeling left out and even offended" how very delightfully vague

"this fell upon nick too as a nonbinary person, on the ace spectrum" - i havent been paying close enough attention to know if nick was out as nonbinary this whole time but every mention i heard of them i couldve sworn just said gay and ace w nothing abt gender, am i misremembering / did they come out recently or . did he just out them

"they wanted to include nonbinary experiences and asexuality in our videos but since nick's experiences are not universal (...) people felt that we were delegitimizing their experiences because we focused on nicks, and i apologize for that. and im sure that nick does as well." firstly "felt" ok dude secondly no thats not why people thought that thirdly why was the last part so weirdly pointed. why the Look at the camera for that. does he think people havent already been discussing nick's role in all of this

(talking abt jessie gender) "I drew her into this anger spiral of mine that was unwarranted and absolutely ruined a possible friendship" - oh is this what the kids are calling "calling the cops on a transfem" now. he does apologize directly to her and admit he was an asshole there at least

"there was a misunderstanding after that where someone claiming to be a fan of jessie's, yknow, did an internet and threatened to kill me, which is.. yknow, being a person on the internet, death threats are unfortunately not uncommon, at the time though, i was in a very panicked state and so i did report it to the police, i did not report /jessie/ to the police, which is the misunderstanding that people came away with. i did not report jessie to the police, i would have no reason to do that. and it did end up that this person had a prior record with the police of violent acts and they actually lived quite near me. um, so the police took it very seriously, they took it so seriously, in fact, they implored me not to speak to jessie, which i took their advice on. which i shouldnt have, honestly, i should have at least clarified to jessie what was going on and not just left her hanging. and so i want to again apologize for that to jessie. but in that state i listened to the police, which is. maybe not the best decision the whole time because, yknow the cops. don't usually have the best interests of people at heart." ohhhhh yes of course i see, it wasnt calling the cops on a transfem, it was calling the cops on her very real you swear follower who sent you very real you pinky promise death threats and the police caught them and confirmed they were indeed very bad and scary so actually you were right to call the cops! but also i toootally agree with you guys hashtag acad am i right?

"the work nick and i were doing on the channel, we wanted it to be for everyone, we wanted it to be a channel where every queer person would feel welcomed and... we failed at that. that is something that in hindsight i think is impossible to create..." ok like. sure you can't please everyone. but you have to be joking right. it's not impossible to create an actually positive or inclusive space

"...and that's why it's inportant for there to be many different queer voices in spaces like youtube, and there are. whats more important is making those voices discoverable, which is something that i should have been helping with." lmao no kidding

"I often shared queer creators on twitter, but this was when i only had, yknow 800, a thousand twitter followers, and these creators usually has a whole lot more than that. it was a weird... thing, because usually they would have more twitter followers, but a whole lot less youtube subscribers. im not sure what created that dichotomy, but something was definitely off with the algorithm there, where it says Ooh! white male queer! lets push him!" wh. huh. im not typing out the rest of that tangent because it Keeps Going without actually saying anything else but . what????? what does this have to do with anything. why are you talking about twitter to youtube ratios

"I should have done more to share the voices of other queer people. certainly the voices of the people whose works i used, both credited and plagiarized in my videos." look at him go using the big boy word again im so proud

i dont wanna type this but hes saying he felt like he had to make videos fast in order for the algorithm to not leave him in the dust. bb girl youre thinking of tiktok. tiktok is the one that drowns you if you dont post like every other day.

one thing i will say is he said "people who were- people who i plagiarized." so like good for him fighting back against the urge to use passive voice there. and he is listing off specific examples, he's directly acknowledging how fucked the deep cuts video was and is going over yknow Proper Citation Practice. and said "i said it was based on their work but it was. their work. word for word." so i mean good for him there.

however he then goes on to say there were some he did get permission from including SEAN GRIFFIN FROM EVIL QUEENS. LMAO. also i cant find the comment now because he's ACTIVELY DELETING THEM AS IM WATCHING but this part is the only screenshot of any of his claims hes included so far and one of the comments pointed out that the email is from a Different Time Than He Claimed so. lmao.

"i was much more interested in the production of the videos than of the writing of them. so after 3 or 4 videos, i brought nick on as a main writer for the channel." oh we know where this is going

"the idea is that they would write the vast majority of the scripts, i would film/voice and edit the videos, and we would split the money that came in" lmao. now to be fair he goes on to talk about how this is when some of their most loved videos came out and does directly say they werent plagiarized, i dont remember the whole list but at the very least the names he gave werent any of the Big Featured Ones. who knows though lmao

now he's talking about how he lost his job and therefore had to take over more of the writing bc of that, which is why there's another surge of the plagiarism in two scripts after, is because he copy pasted a bunch of things into it intending for those to be the jumping off points while editing it later with nick, but that his memory issues made him forget which quotes were and werent his.

"we shouldve just thrown out all of my contributions to the scripts and filled them in with original writing but we felt we had too much of a time crunch." well at least now when hes blaming nick for things he can come out and say it sometimes, however i do have my doubts that they did actually know bc Why would you not just say that in the first apology.

"(paraphrasing) and then my mom died and i was useless. nick had to take over the writing while i took care of the aftermath because my dad grew up poor and can't read or write" my man im sorry about your mom but this is not the time for a tragic backstory.

now hes talking about how there shouldve been an inheritance from his moms life insurance but the insurance company just refused to pay it out because she. didn't tell them she had family with diabetes? and that voided the entire policy???and that they only refunded one years worth of premiums?????? bitch why are you trying to get back into youtube then go get a lawyer and get that money

now he's saying his mom told him to use the inheritance to make a movie and so when it didnt thats when they decided to try for telos. i cant. sorry everyone mums ghost made me defraud countless people

now he's saying that the plot of final girl wasnt taken from final girl support group, "and final girl is a trope in horror movies. so if using the final girl trope is plagiarism then basically everyone who's made a slasher horror movie since texas chainsaw massacre owes the toby hoover estate some money" and like... ive never read the book and idk how well the little intended plot summary of the movie he gave just now matches up with the one he originally gave. but uh. sounding a little defensive there

ok so he sent nick the final girl script, nick didnt want to share final girl opinion until they got back at which point they said it needed a full rewrite, and also said they wanted to move away to ottowa so james followed. and now is being like "and then once we got there i was like oh shit all my film school connections were back home so we cant film:(("

AHAHA "once we got to toronto nick decided they wanted to move to ottowa about 5 hours away" my dude i think maybe they just didnt want to live with you specifically anymore and then you just trailed along after them like a sad dog

he's giving various reasons for why every movie fell apart and all of them seem to boil down to "we got the script mostly done and then oops! problems! gonna have to abandon it after months of work i guess!" like. one was "we realized it would be a year until we could film anything because winter was on its way and the film was heavily reliant on summer imagery."

he's also saying that by the time the hbomberguy video was released, they still had yet to receive the telos money. uh. hadnt it been like 13 months at that point or something. do kickstarters usually take over a year to pay out

lmao we can expect a product out of telos this year can we. he says he has a producer now, what fucking producer saw your name on the email address and was like "yknow what yeah i can fix him".

lmao "we accepted too many sponsorships so we had to make more videos leading to more copy pasting from me"

now hes saying a bunch of friends reached out to find out why he nuked his social media presence and is talking about the suicide attempt so cw

"to be frank, i didn't want to exist anymore. if you watched my honestly horrendous video in december, you know i tried to make that happen. the not existing thing. but it was more intense than taking too many pills. it wasnt that i didnt want to be alive anymore, it was that i wished id never existed at all, that everyone id ever known would be better off had i just never been there. very george baylee. which is fitting, given it was christmas time. its only thanks to some very VERY dedicated doctors and nurses, and one very good friend, that i'm even here able to film this right now." oh good yes im glad what he apparently absorbed from when he brought it up last time was "they dont believe you, go into more detail" and not "i shouldnt bring this up as part of my apology". why did we stop to make a movie reference halfway through.

"and i'm not going to name her because i don't want to expose anyone else to the... small, but seriously unstable group of people who watched the plagiarism and youtube video and though "well! he should be dead!" like i said, it's a very small group... but when they find out your address. and some of them are actually in your city. they can be terrifying. and they did find my address. and at least a couple of them showed up while i was at the hospital. my neighbors did report them to the police, and i won't go into anymore details than that, i'm not sure if i legally even can, but- theres a reason i left ontario within a week of getting the ok to do so from the doctors." are we for real playing this game again dude. i swear he still has not watched the hbomberguy video we /know/ he lies about getting death threats as a defense mechanism already, in literally this exact way???

anyways now he's saying the videos that are currently up on his channel are the non-plagiarized ones and they were written entirely by nick, thats nice at least. i do not think they will be pointing to your channel at all as a reference for their resume though

lmao hes saying hes editing the other videos down to just be the original work too. sir theyll be 30 seconds long

AHAHAHA AND SOME SPONSORS IN THE NON PLAYGIARIZED VIDEOS ASKED TO BE TAKEN OFF OF THEM

lmao hes releasing another video soon and says "i want to prove that i have the ability to do this without abusing other people's work". and that its gonna be more of a documentary than a video essay. but he pinky promises he'll be citing everyone this time. and that it will have 0 of his own opinions, only cited facts. sir do you think documentaries are just video essays without the opinions. is this your solution to not being able to write your own shit is "well fine i'll just lean into that and make a collage"

"some misinformation made its way into our videos, that is not something that we intended. in some cases it was information that i was told by epople that i considered experts, in other cases it was information that we had researched, in other cases it was things that nick had learned in university. the point being it was never malicious. we didn't- we weren't trying to lie about things. despite what a lot of people think. we were not trying to spread misinformation, that was not ever our intention" baby boy this whole video is misinformation. also it doesnt really matter if you werent ~trying~ to like. shockingly spreading misinformation because you don't know its wrong is. how most misinformation works??

"as for my patreon, everyone can stop worrying about me relaunching it right in time for a billing cycle, that will not be happening. i dont want anyone who doesnt know about the plagiarism or simply forgot to unsubscribe to get billed so im gonna start from 0. i have put together a new patreon account so if you wanna support my documentaries about gay history, fantastic. honestly your faith in me after everything means the world to me. if jot, i completely understand. like i said, ive lost your trust. im gonna work my ass off to earn it back, though. and i know for some of you ill never be able to do that but im gonna try anyway. but this video is not about promoting myself" LMAO STOP I CANT

"this video is about me apologizing. and i am incredibly sorry. *jumpcut*. heavy sigh." I FUCKING CANT IM DYING

"it was never my intention for anyone to feel hurt or left out or excluded, it was never my intention to spread misinformation, and im really really sorry that that happened. and yknow as much as ive tried to explain myself in this video, the memory issues, the ADHD, um... the personal things that were going on in my life with my mom getting sick and then dying and trying to make sure that my dad was ok following that and everything, those arent excuses. there is no excuse for what i did. there are lots of people that make videos on youtube, there are lots of people who make podcasst, tv shows, movies, documentaries, who have ...shit going on in their lives that is very stressful. and they don't plagiarize people's work. there is no excuse for what i did. for everything that happened, whether it be with my mom or memory issues, there was something i could have done to mitigate that." wow very mature sounding! wish it was believable

"and so there is no excuse for the nisinformation and there is certainly no excuse for the plagiarism. i... fucked up. bad. i stole peoples words and thoughts and opinions, that they worked incredibly hard writing and publishing and finding someone to publish their thoughts and opinions and research, hard research that they had done, and yknow in some cases i put them- their names in the opening credits which i thought was fine but- like i said, ive spoken with some of these people now and i understand why that was not ok" PEOPLE TOLD YOU THIS MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE THE HBOMB VIDEO

god theres so many ads on this thing when youre watching it half speed. btw yes it is monetized, he says specifically so he can give the proceeds to hbomb and kat. lmao.

OH MY GOD HES REPEATING THE THING ABOUT HOW THE CELLULOID CLOSET ALMOST WORD FOR WORD. LIKE. "there were times like with uh, the queer history of hollywood... videos that i released this past spring, they were baded directly on the celluloid closet by vito russo, the book not the documentary. i expanded on it quite a bit but it was based directly on vito's work and i credited him in the opening credits. and i thought it was ok to just do that, because the book was out of print, and vito had... passed away, unfortunately, from hiv complications due to hiv and aids, and i looked at it more as... extending his legacy, making sure that people knew about the work that he did. but i dont think i ever mentioned his name in those videos. he was cred- like i said his names in the opening credits, but i don't think i ever verbally mentioned his name. someone who i have so much respect for, is kind of an idol of mine, and... i never mentioned his name. it wasnt cause i didnt respect him, or anything like that, and it also wasnt becayse i wanted people to think that this was all me if- if that was the case i wouldntve put his name in the credits, i never wanted people to think that this was all me. so thats actually one of the videos i want to make, i want to make a documentary style video talking about vito russo and his life and everything that he accomplished, because he didnt just write the celluloid closet, he did a lot more than that. hes someone that people SHOULD know about." the fact. that this fucking man still feels comfortable talking about him literally at all is insane to me. "i do respect him" very shortly after fucking. "well he was dead so i thought it would be fine". like you actually sat down in front of your camera and said that out loud and edited and posted it and didnt think anyone would be like "SORRY, THAT WAS YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS AT THE TIME????" and that this is somehow better than. just plagiarizing him because you dont respect him over all???? you thought people would react better to you saying that about someone you claim to respect??????????

oh for fucks sake dude

[theppandaboyyy]

hi so im having a crisis at the moment and really need advice. this post will be really long (probably) and if you dont want to read it thats fine. i just need a space to vent and maybe get some advice from some people.

so i am 16 years old. ever since i was newly 6 years old, i started watching minecraft youtubers. the first one i ever watched was dantdm. i remember feeling so safe and at home when i watched him as a kid. i used to get bullied really badly in elementary school, so when i had a bad day at school or if i really just had a bad day in general and was overwhelmed, i turned to dan’s content. it gave me a space to feel safe when life got too crazy for me. as i got older, i stuck with dantdm for comfort. i started getting really into minecraft, and finding more content creators who liked the same things i did. i remember watching the first episode of dandtm’s diamond dimensions series, and i realized something. THIS is what i want to be when i grew up. i wanted to make content, i wanted to be able to just mess around on a minecraft server with my friends or by myself and people enjoy it. i wanted to make people smile. i even made some stupid vlogs on youtube, just because it made me happy. i went to school with this aspiration, and it got shot down. people told me that since i was born a female, i would never make it. i would never be what i wanted to be. and my little self couldnt understand that because ldshadowlady made it. laurenzside made it. i just couldn’t understand why people were telling me i would never make it as a little girl when some of the people that inspired me were female. so after that, i kept that to myself and went along with every other little girl my age. “i wanna be a vet!” butthat never felt right to me. now as i got to middle school, i was scared to tell people who i wanted to be. i was in my shell, scared to make people see who i actually was. i found my friends over the years of middle school, and they gave me a little bit of the confidence i needed back then to be who i am today. when covid first happened, i was at a low point in my life. i couldnt see my friends, my cousins, my crush at the time, and it mentally killed me. being on my own with nothing to do all day killed me. but, i found my outlet in playing video games. i would play on my dads old systems in my basement, i would play super mario brothers, this one racing game we had, sonic, all the old stuff. and when i wasnt playing those, i was on my dads pc playing roblox with my friends, playing free games on steam, or the sims. i really found my way of getting out my stresses and just havung fun. now around that time, i discovered the dream smp. which at the time, was a new multiplayer server that a couple streamers were on. i watched technoblade first, but because of him u discovered people like dream, sapnap, tommyinnit and tubbo. now i really looked up to tommy and tubbo, theyre only a two years older than me and theyre doing exactly what ive aspired to do since i was 6 years old. i watched their content, watched what they did. i wanted to be just like them. my yearning to be a streamer only grew as i was watching more and more people who were very close to my age grow and succeed at doing what i want to do. now, i have people in my life who have supported me in becoming a content creator, i have the money to buy a gaming setup. i still really, really want to be a content creator. i want to give people, kids, the same safe space that dantdm gave me. i mean when i was overwhelmed, or scared, or had a bad day, they were what i turned to to make myself happy. now as ive gotten older, ive learned so much about content creating and how it can mess with your head if youre not careful. how it can go wrong and not gain any traction at all. but i really, really want to do this. but at the same time, i have another job aspiration i could do. but i know that id forever regret not at least trying to be a content creator. i guess what im here to ask is, what should i do? should i just take the jump and try streaming ? (if you made it this far ily thank you for reading my little rant <3)

[mingot-studios]

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

 How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown  over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change 

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed 

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the  end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

[ad1thi]

henlo adi tis i with a request for some stevetony fics,,, angsty if you have 'em 💓

okay so this rec list is mainly classic stevetony fics, but i assure you - there’s angsty ones in there (ive marked the angsty ones with a 😞 so you can identify them quicker) just a general note that a lot of authors are going to repeat, because there are some authors that (imo) are stevetony staples (so if you see an author more than once - thats a sign that ALL of their stevetony is good and ive cherry picked the ones i love the most) (ive also marked those authors with a 🌟) 

//

in the light of limerence:  @shell-heads

It's the final game of the season, their biggest one yet, and there's only one question on everybody's mind: who the hell is Captain Steve Rogers' boyfriend, and why does Cap keep dodging questions about him?

"You gotta admit it's suspicious that only Bucky and Sam have met your boyfriend, dude," Clint points out as he shoves Pietro away with a smirk, pulling the uniform over his head and tugging it down. "We've known you, what-two years? We've never seen the guy even once."

"And your phone mysteriously only has pictures of Tony Stark," Johnny Storm adds as he joins the conversation, knocking knees with Thor when he sits down on one of the benches. "Tony Stark, who has at least ten fansites and personally assured me he's had a boyfriend for the past five years."

"I can't believe Cap is actually out here acting like Tony Stark's boyfriend," Luke says with a smirk, resting against a wall without a care.

"I can't believe you guys still think this is a joke," Sam throws back while tossing his other dirty sock at Luke, who dodges it smoothly.

In little more than ten minutes, the biggest question of Shield University is answered with much aplomb by none other than Tony Stark himself.

almeno tu nell'universo: @silkspectred 😞 🌟 (funfact: this is the fic that got me into stevetony) 

Tony drives off.

Well, he wants to.

But he can’t.

Because.

Steve Rogers is in front of his car.

Steve fucking Rogers. Is in front of Tony’s fucking car.

Rookie and Jailbait Take On The World: @theapplepielifestyle 🌟

“You really should be in school, you know.”

“Why would I be there when I could be here, solving crimes with my favourite rookie?” Tony flashes a grin, and Steve’s stomach twists like it did on the first day.

Teenager, Steve’s mind supplies. Definitely not legal, stop doing fluttery things, stomach.

Thumb, Index and Pinky Extended: @/Eudoxia 😞

Tony Stark is twenty-one when he loses his voice. It shouldn't matter, but in a world where the first words your Soulmate says to you are marked on your skin, it can be pretty damn annoying.

I (created from fantasies) exist solely for you: @mizzy2k

Six years ago, without the Avengers Initiative there to save the day, scientist Dr. Eric Selvig sacrificed himself to save the world, the almighty demi-god Thor was lost to a terrible storm, and vigilante Iron Man – spotted with a nuclear weapon trying to take advantage of the situation – was forever labelled an enemy of SHIELD.

This is a comic book office AU, where Steve is defrosted a year too late, Thor has forgotten who he is, and no one knows Tony is Iron Man.

Also includes: office pranks, inappropriate post-it notes, and superheroes who like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Celestial Navigation: @sabrecmc

Celestial Navigation: 18 year old Omega!Tony finds himself Bonded to Captain Steve Rogers. He isn't happy about it until he is.

By request, here is CN in one place without other stories and artwork.

Ironsides: @copperbadge 🌟

Antonia Carter Stark takes no shit and no prisoners.

Paved With Good Intentions (I’m On The Road To Hell): @itsallavengers 😞 🌟

When the mysterious group of vigilante assassins known only as 'The Avengers' are tipped off about the dirty secrets that lie within Stark Industries, Steve Rogers has his heart set on taking out Tony Stark for good in order to protect the rest of the world from his evil. He's seen the footage, after all- Stark is a man who fights only for himself. And of course, when a job arises as chief bodyguard for Stark, to protect him from the growing threat of an ominously infatuated stalker, the opportunity is way too good for him to miss out on. It's the perfect placement, and the perfect way to find out whether or not their tipoff is genuine.

But as Steve falls into rank as the new bodyguard for Mr. Stark and he spends time getting to know and protect him, his initial hatred begins to falter and merge into something different, something far more terrifying than the prospect of killing the face of Stark Industries.

Steve Rogers may just be falling in love with him instead.

The Problem With Communication: @itsallavengers

Steve is terrible at flirting, but when he finally picks up the courage to talk to the adorable barista who makes his drinks, he finds himself hitting a small snag:

That being, Tony is deaf. He doesn't know what Steve is saying.

But never say Steve Rogers does not rise to a challenge.

Killing Me Softly (With His Song): @itsallavengers

Steve is Tony's whole world. Tony couldn't imagine life without him. They've grown up together, after all.

Steve gets cancer.

Open Field In Front of Him: orphan account

Steve Rogers's football season is functionally over after a loss to Rutgers, but he finds a distraction in Tony Stark (yes, THAT Tony Stark). A college AU Stony fic.

Good For You: @orbingarrow 😞

Steve doesn't understand why Tony dates people who abuse him. Tony doesn't understand why Steve cares.

The rest is bad choices, good choices, rehab, milkshakes, paintball, YouTube videos, couples therapy and learning to put the past in the past. Or: How Tony finds his happy ending.

COMPLETE 5/27/16 Edited to add art as last chapter on 6/23/16

Wrapped Up In Clover: @festiveferret

It's been seven years since Steve and Tony split up, and Steve's sure he'll never see Tony again. He's finally managed to put their failed relationship behind him and move on, focusing on his friends and building his business. But then his best friends, Bucky and Clint, decide to get married, and their wedding week at a cabin resort in Vermont turns into a minefield of heartbreak for Steve.

little green soldiers: @/nasa 🌟

“Rhodey,” Tony says. “I’m not stupid. He’s shipping out in three months. I’m not going to fall in love with him.”

Tony is a student at MIT; Steve is a soldier. They meet at a house party six months before Steve is set to deploy. This is their story.

flesh and bone: @/nasa 😞

“You or Rogers?” they ask, brandishing a knife or a gun or a flame.

“Me,” Tony says, over and over again. “Me, me, me,” always me.

Buried: @not-close-to-straight

When Howard Stark demands Tony work at a dig site in S.America one summer to "build character" and "learn about life", Tony is furious. But then he meets soldier/archeologist Steve and falls in love with blue eyes and a perfect smile. 

Just as they are ready to move forward together, Steve leaves abruptly with no explanation and breaks Tonys heart. Ten years later, Tony stumbles across the file for the old dig site. He's determined to visit and shut it down, but discovers that instead of a village, the dig has uncovered a temple and actually needs MORE money to stay open. A security team is hired to protect the staff and the artefacts they find, and Tony comes face to face with Steve Rogers all over again– except Steve is bearded and BIGGER and way more dangerous than he used to be...And Tony likes it.

When the camp is attacked, Steve jumps into action, snatching Tony and running into the jungle to escape and work their way towards safety. But long days and nights together bring back old feelings, and one day Steve takes a risk and asks Tony to give them another chance. Will Tony say yes? Or is his heart buried too far for the soldier-turned- archaeologist-turned-mercenary to find it?

don’t know why it took me so long to see: @3799steps 

“Oh, watch this,” Natasha says, propping her chin against her knuckles and turning a sweet gaze on him. “Tony, what’s it like dating a superhero?”

Tony bristles in irritation. “We’re not dating,” he snaps. “Captain America probably thinks he can get into anyone’s pants just ‘cause he’s got a mask, costume, and reputation, but not me, buddy. That shield? Gotta be overcompensating for something.” He adds, a bit petulantly, “Oh, and all that blue? Definitely more Steve’s color than his.”

- In which Tony is a genius in all matters except recognising his boyfriend past a mask

Heartlines: @nanasekei 🌟

“Let me,” Tony repeats. He regrets it deeply, so much, he wants to stick the words back into his mouth again, and it must show, in the way his voice wavers. He feels exposed, all of a sudden, as if he’s asking something bigger than what he can actually say. Let me touch you, let me take care of you. “Just… Let me do it.“

Feel Whole Again: @thepartyresponsible

Steve turns to leave. It’s easier to talk, somehow, when he’s not looking at him. “If you need anything,” he says, “I’m just a few floors down.”

“Might regret that, Cap,” Tony says to his retreating back. “I’ve been told I’m needy.”

Steve doesn’t know who the hell said that to Tony. It’s probably for the best that he doesn’t.

“It’s an honor,” he says, a little helpless, out of his depth and out of his time. “It’s an honor to be trusted with something like that, Tony.”

Attack Dog: @/salytierra

Steve doesn't swim in self-delusion. He knows that he is sick and that his owner is even worse. He is aware of it every time he rips some nameless guy’s throat out and feels the crunch of bones under his fingers. He is aware of it every time the rush of adrenaline at seeing life slip away from a stranger’s eyes hits him and gets him bothered and panting in ways that have nothing to do with physical exhaustion.

But it feels so good…

His owner’s approach is less personal. His shots fall clean and take out several foes at a time, his figure elegant and so graceful he looks like a god among savages. He is power incarnated, cold and burning like a sun at the same time… and Steve tries not to focus on him when they are fighting together, least his knees go weak and his technique falters. It’s fine though. They will go home afterwards and his owner will fuck him on the hard floor, with most of their gear still on and a vicious grip in his hair.

[quinintheclouds]

Hey, I just read your post on ADHD/EFDD and was just wondering if you have read any research articles on this and if you have, could you tell me which ones because it all sounds super interesting and I need to choose a topic for my psych lit review and I’m thinking about doing something to do with all the stigma around and misconceptions about different mental health disorders.. it’s totally okay if not tho, I know it’s a big ask, but thanks anyway

That sounds like such a great topic!!! I would be HONORED to help :D 

The first person I think of when discussing the term EFDD is Dr. Russell Barkley. He’s one of the leading ADHD experts, and has been a spearhead for studying executive dysfunction in people with ADHD for decades. Very much ahead of his time compared to the DSM. I’ve had his book “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” recommended to me so many times, but have yet to read it.

Here’s some free stuff, though! 

[reblogs appreciated because Tumblr hates posts with links and I wanna make sure this anon sees it!]

I tried to include some short stuff and longer stuff, some articles, images, videos, and comic recs, so you can choose based on your current energy and focus level :) I’ve also bolded links and key points of each source if you like skimming. Let’s go!

...................................

Here’s an interesting article/study on EFDD! They found that “ADHD [is] associated with deficits in inhibition, managing one’s attention, self-directed speech and rule-following, self-motivation, and even self-awareness [...] ADHD therefore involves deficits in self-restraint, [...] selfsensing and imagery, self-control of emotion, and self-directed play for problem-solving.”

Thank you for motivating me to look up some articles, because I learned some new things, too! For instance, they assert that ADHD could also be called SRDD (Self-Regulation Deficit Disorder), but conclude the article by saying either SRDD or EFDD fits better than ADHD, and that the terms could be used interchangeably, because SR (self-regulation) and EF (executive function) are effectively talking about the same things. So his assertion is that even if the name ADHD never changes, it can still be scientifically classified as either of the other terms. I believe in recent years he’s preferred EFDD more and more.

[note that the above article/study is from 2011, back when we were on the DSM-IV, so a lot of research has been done since then]

...................................

If that article’s a bit wordy or you want something more visual and up-to-date, here’s a really detailed PowerPoint presentation used during the 2018 ADHD Symposium! It’s long but well-organized so you can just read the big headers or you can read all the bullet points explaining it. Keep in mind this was a lecture, so some of it probably made more sense in person. I’m glad I read this, because I realize the terminology I’ve used is slightly off: according to the Symposium, there aren’t “subtypes” of ADHD, but the different names (ADHD-PI, ADHD-PH, and ADHD-C) are really just used to show the prevalence of certain symptoms in that individual. So they’re all terms for ADHD, but “subtype” was poor word choice on my part. 

Oh! I just found a video of him giving a lecture in 2012 using many of the same PowerPoint slides! Here ya go! It’s a bit longer than the other videos I’ve linked below (13min), but it might make the slides easier to interpret :)

...................................

If you want a really short and basic overview, here’s a video explaining 5 main ways executive functions affect the brain and how they work differently in people with ADHD. [I put the video below as well if you wanna stay on tumblr] It’s from 2010, but it holds up. It only covers 5 big ones, so remember (if you can) that executive function affects EVERYTHING and the symptoms will affect everyone differently and at different levels. 

This is just the most basic overview and a good place to start:

...................................

Here’s one where he talks about our Time-Blindness! (below) I was going to pick a couple favorite quotes to give you an idea, but that’d wind up being a transcript of the whole video because HE GETS IT. This is from 2014, but I CANNOT recommend it enough!!! He mentions that ADHD doesn’t have a deficit of attention, but rather a deficit of intention. He describes us as having a near-sighted sense of time, and talks about deadlines, “laziness,” etc.

 ALSO he talks about how our brains DON��T CONNECT our knowledge to our performance (back of brain to front) like everyone else’s, so we have the same level of knowledge and intelligence, but can’t access and use it the way others can. This is why teaching skills and organization/memory/time-management tips isn’t helpful -- we can learn them, but our knowledge and action centers are separated, so actually doing them/sticking with them is just as hard as before. 

If you don’t watch the whole thing, at least skip to 3:29 cause that part’s really funny and relatable (ok the whole thing is relatable):

...................................

And of course, I highly recommend the YouTube channel How to ADHD! I have a couple friends who work on it, and they REALLY know their stuff! (They’re the ones who taught me during a game night that RSD isn’t a real term and it should be called “rejection-sensitivity” as part of the emotional dysregulation umbrella) 

I went looking and found this video (below) has the BEST explanation of it that I’ve seen in such a concise, entertaining way. I hadn’t seen this one before, but it even covers some of the things I mentioned in that post your ask is about! Especially the Internal Restlessness that I mentioned as the true “hyperactivity” we all share; even though some of us also express outward hyperactivity, both presentations come from the same restlessness in our brains.

^^^This has some great examples, visuals, animations, and different ways of explaining and thinking about our symptoms! If you want more about this, the description has a bunch of links to their sources! Jessica and everyone else who works on this channel is great at making the videos watchable for people with ADHD (even if we have to rewind sometimes)

Here's Jessica's official Twitter @HowtoADHD! (I was today years old when I found out that she follows me)

...................................

And if you want something REALLY short and simple, here’s a 2 minute animation comparing living with ADHD to trying to film a movie with a director who keeps falling asleep [below]

....................................

If you like comics:

My favorite ADHD comic artists are: ADHD Alien [@ADHD_Alien on Twitter and @adhd-alien on Tumblr]; Dani Donovan [@danidonovan on Twitter and @danidonovan on Tumblr -- we’re somehow twitter mutuals and she is such a sweetheart. She has some really good infographics, too!!]; ADHD Bri [@AdhdBri on Twitter and @adhdbri on Tumblr]; and dreamadept [@yume_dango on Twitter and @yume-dango on Tumblr]

They’re all well-researched, funny, genuine, intelligent, insightful, talented artists who depict ADHD in a very accurate and relatable way. Go check ‘em out and support them! :D

....................................

I’m gonna stop there for now, but PLEASE feel free to add on to this with other sources, questions, videos, thoughts, comic artists, etc.!!! Hope this helps someone out there!

[liliesoftherain]

Masterlist

All works are my own, all rights reserved. Re-posting, modifying, copying, or translating(without proper permission), is not allowed. Don’t Plagiarize, just ask if you want to do something, have an idea, just ask. (picture found on google and edited, unsure of source, if you know base image let me know I’ll gladly give credit) Enjoy reading! 

Updated: Feb 19th, 2021

xReader 

*-*-*-*-*-*-

Katsuki Bakugou!:

i. My Hero Academia Main 3 Boys x Reader Masterlist:  You're finally getting to attend the school of your dreams, meeting great people along the way. You're ready to prove to everyone you have what it takes to become a pro hero. You're not looking for any love, but when does that stop it from finding you on it's own? Reader insert centered around 3 main boys, Todoroki, Bakugou, and Midoriya.

ii. A Knight’s Honor Masterlist: You’re a female squire, the only female training to be a Knight. You are not willing to give up your dreams of Knighthood to become a slave to society to save face. No matter what anyone says, you’ll prove them wrong. You’ll show him who he’s messing with.  !ON HIATUS!

iii. Bomber Jacket: Who knew that old bomber jacket of his would lead to this.

iv. “You’re cute when you’re angry”: Request, Prompt 53: “You’re cute when you’re angry.”

v. Something Witchy is going on: Request, Witch Quirk, Prompt 30: “It was you the whole time.”

vi. Something Witchy is Going on II Request, Witch Quirk, Prompts 25. “I got you a present” 41. “Why choose me?”

vii. Undrunk: Request, Older!Au, Prompts 32: “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you.” 30."It was you the whole time."

viii. Curly Hair is Captivating  Request, Bakugou won’t ever admit it but there’s something about you and that hair that drew him in

ix. Second Chances Masterlist: Request, When he watches you marry someone else, he knew he screwed up all those years ago. If only there was something he could do to get you back, if only there was a way... to have a second chance at being yours.

x. Thiccer than a Snicker Request, you may have a great body but that doesn’t mean you’re confident in showing it off, so you hide it. Your boyfriend lets you know that he doesn’t care either way what you wear

xi. For the Love of a Daughter Request, Bakugou loves your guys’ daughter beyond belief, and he never wants to see her hurt. Ever. But when push comes to shove, he’s left remembering every moment he’s ever cried.

xii. No Biggie Request, you’re just too chill and Bakugou is not. He freaks out, and you learned how to shut him up. 

xiii. No Biggie Part 2 Request, some headcanons for the dramatic katsuki and his nonchalant partner

xiv. What a Daddy’s Girl Request, this was just a regular morning for your family, with the fussing and glares; your little girl was way too much like her daddy. You loved them both anyway

xv. Who said pickup lines don’t work? Request, Prompts 52. “Can I kiss you right now?” 58. “Are you flirting with me?”

xvi. Say Uncle! Eijirou surely didn’t expect this when coming over to your place for dinner.

xvii. Still Remember-Bakugou POV Request, Part 2 of Still Remember, You still remember how it all happened, and so does Bakugou.

xviii. Ocean Eyes, or Something More? Pirate!AU, Commodore(officer)!Bakugou, Pirate!Fem!Reader, nothing will ever beat the view of your ocean blue, but why do his ruby eyes captivate you so?

xix. Persever Though Forsaken Soulmate!AU, you didn’t want your soulmate--did’t belive that there was such thing as a perfect match and it sucks because yours has been by your side for years

xx. Ground Zero Reads Thirst Tweets Collab, you and Katsuki are both Pro-Heroes, brought onto a film set to read some thirst tweets

xxi. YouTube Challenge! Request, youtube couple relationship, youtube couple challenges, prompts 18. “Have you lost your damn mind?” 43. “Why don’t you kiss me already?” 58. “Are you flirting with me?”

xxii. The Barbarian King Request, Katsuki want to marry you and the only issue? He has to beat you in a fight for you to even think about accpeting his hand

xxiii. It’s an Ordering in Kind of Night Request, Dad!Bakugou, Mom!Reader, bakugou and his brat have cute father/daughter bonding moment--to bad it went south as soon as you walked in, prompt 31 "This is why we can't have nice things"

xxiv. You Got That Right Request, cute cuddles with your boyfriend lead to more than you ever thought, prompts 21. “Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?” 47. “Will you marry me?”

xxv. At What Cost? Sparked from a theory youtube video where it says Bakugou is the second holder of OFA, you were a hero... but at what cost?

xxvi. Trust Fall Maybe you took your trust fall exercise a little too far, but at least he didn’t let you fall

*-*-*-*-*-*-

Shoto Todoroki!:

i. Unsettling News: Request, Pro Hero AU!, Prompts 34: ”I feel like I can’t breathe.” 48: ”I’m pregnant.”

ii. Jealous Much?: Request, Prompts 20: “Wait a minute… Are you jealous?” 58: “Are you flirting with me?”  

iii. “I want an answer goddammit!”: Request, Pro Hero AU!, HC, Prompt 29: “I want an answer goddammit!”

iv.  My Hero Academia Main 3 Boys x Reader Masterlist: You're finally getting to attend the school of your dreams, meeting great people along the way. You're ready to prove to everyone you have what it takes to become a pro hero. You're not looking for any love, but when does that stop it from finding you on it's own? Reader insert centered around 3 main boys, Todoroki, Bakugou, and Midoriya.

v. Second Chances Masterlist: Request, When he watches you marry someone else, he knew he screwed up all those years ago. If only there was something he could do to get you back, if only there was a way... to have a second chance at being yours.

vi. Ice Skating Drabble: Request, ice skating scenario with shy s/o

vii.  YouTube Challenge! Request, youtube couple relationship, youtube couple challenges, Prompts 18. “Have you lost your damn mind?” 43. “Why don’t you kiss me already?” 58. “Are you flirting with me?”

vii. Selfish Request, you both want to be selfish, Prompts 1. “Is it possible to love too much?” 33. “I might never get another chance to say this.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-

Izuku Midoriya!:

i. I’m Home: Request, Pro Hero AU!, Prompts  36. “Here. You can have it back.” 52. “Can I kiss you right now?” 54. “We’d make such a cute couple.” 59. “Is that my shirt?”

ii. I’m Obsessed Based on the song ‘Fangs’ by Matt Champion. Izuku contemplates you and recalls the moment he fell in love.

iii. I’m Obsessed Part 2: Request, second part to ‘I’m Obsessed’, can be read alone, Prompt 52: “Can I kiss you right now?”

iv.  My Hero Academia Main 3 Boys x Reader Masterlist: You're finally getting to attend the school of your dreams, meeting great people along the way. You're ready to prove to everyone you have what it takes to become a pro hero. You're not looking for any love, but when does that stop it from finding you on it's own? Reader insert centered around 3 main boys, Todoroki, Bakugou, and Midoriya.

v.  Bittersweet Findings, in that Order Part 1: Request, prompt 20. “Wait a minute... Are you jealous?”

vi. Bittersweet Findings, in that Order Part 2: Request, prompt 20. “Wait a minute... Are you jealous?” 

vii. It’s Deku! Request, you’re a single mother raising twin boys, let’s see how that trip to the mall goes.

viii. Second Chances Masterlist: Request, When he watches you marry someone else, he knew he screwed up all those years ago. If only there was something he could do to get you back, if only there was a way... to have a second chance at being yours. 

ix. All in the Name of Pranks Request, Prompts 23. “Looks like we’ll be trapped for a while...” 24.”I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

x. Ice Skating Drabble: Request, ice skating scenario with shy s/o

xi. Not Stories After All Mermaid!Au, Adventure!Izuku, Mermaid!Reader, all Izuku wants to do is sketch and take note of the beautiful area around him--he didn’t expect to meet you 

*-*-*-*-*-*-

Denki Kaminari!:

i. “It’s not what it looks like...”: Request, HC, Prompt 26: “It’s not what it looks like...”

*-*-*-*-*-*-

Eijiro Kirishima!:

i. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”: Request, Prompt 53: “You’re cute when you’re angry”

ii. Never be the Same: Request, Prompts 4. “Look at me-just breath, okay?” 57. “I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”

iii. Get Fuc-Cleated: Request, Kirishima fawns over his cute soccer player of a girlfriend, only to watch you get hurt during a game

iv.  YouTube Challenge! Request, youtube couple relationship, youtube couple challenges, Prompts 18. “Have you lost your damn mind?” 43. “Why don’t you kiss me already?” 58. “Are you flirting with me?”

*-*-*-*-*-*-

Hitoshi Shinsou!:

i. TikTok Queen Materlist: Social Media AU! You’re a normal barista but your heart longs for the title of the queen of TikTok. You post cutesy latte art that has given your channel a lot of followers over the years, but your roommate and friends have long since surpassed you and you are desperate to fix the gap. When your over energetic Tik Tok star of a friend offers you his help, you jump at the chance. Who knew that the challenge you did would get you THIS much attention-and why do you now have an bad boy who is no good for your health trying to force his way into your life? !ON HIATUS!

ii. A Little Lesson Request, Prompt 27. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

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Dabi!:

i.  “I want an answer goddammit!”: Request, HC, Prompt 29: “I want an answer goddammit!”

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Shouta Aizawa!: 

i. Let it Out Request, HC, Prompt 4. “Look at me-just breathe, okay?” 

ii. His Kids Request, Dad!Aizawa, Daughter!Reader, father/daughter fluff, Aizawa takes you to school to meet the other kids he babysits all day

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Tenya Iida!:

i. Still Remember You still remember how it all happened, discord collab

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[scottymcgeesterwrites]

Final Fantasy VII Review

 Year: 1997

Original Platform: PlayStation One

Also available on: PC, PlayStation Store

Version I Played: PlayStation One

Synopsis:

The Shinra Electric Power Company rules over the city of Midgar, and the eco-terrorists AVALANCHE stop at nothing to try and prevent the life essence of the planet from being used as energy. Barrett, leader of AVALANCHE, hires a mercenary named Cloud Strife for their bombing mission on a Shinra Mako Reactor. Cloud doesn’t care much for the greater cause and only wants his pay. But then, after a mission goes awry, he meets Aerith, a flower girl who is the descendant of the Ancients. He quickly finds himself wrapped up in the greater conflict against Shinra.

 Gameplay:

Final Fanatasy VII utilizes magic spells via Materia – little orbs that come in a variety of colors pertaining to the natural elements. You can mix and match them on your weapons and equipment, which gives you access to different spells and stats. All your equipment varies with the number of slots for how many Materia orbs you can put in. Leveling up not only upgrades the character but the equipped Materia as well.

 Final Fantasy VII also uses an ATB system but is known for introducing Limit Breaks – finishing moves that build up after the character gets hit over time. Final Fantasy VI had a prototype called Desperation Attack – but it was very rare as it only appeared when your character had 1/8 of their total HP, and there was a 1 in 6 chance of performing the Desperation Attack after selecting Attack. I actually had no idea that was a thing until long after I finished the game, and never experienced it when I played Final Fantasy VI.

Graphics:

Out of all the Final Fantasy games, I have to say that this one has not aged well. It has the worst graphics of the entire series. The battle and cinematic graphics are passable.

(Most of the graphics power seemed to be put in Tifa’s, uh, bosom.)

But the characters in towns, the overworld, and in-game cutscenes are incredibly blocky. PC versions are supposedly sharper, but the PlayStation One version makes it nigh impossible to see any facial expressions. 

The graphics are definitely a product of its time. I always say that the beginning of 3D gaming was essentially like puberty – awkward and full of zits. It wasn’t yet at that stage where it could be aesthetically pleasing. We marveled about it when it was first released, yes, but then we cringed in retrospect.

The environment backdrops however are probably the strongest points, where they capture the industrial nature of Midgar, the reactors and other such buildings.

Story:

Final Fantasy VII became legendary the minute Square released it. Every aspect was memorable. Part of it could be due to the fact that it was the first Final Fantasy game to enter the 3D realm. Another part was Tetsuya Nomura’s character designs, which hit the cool meter to the point of sub-zero.

 The cinematics blew our minds. The opening action scene with Cloud, Barrett, and the rest of AVALANCHE attacking Shinra’s mako reactor is the most memorable opening to a Final Fantasy game. Period. Final Fantasy games really do know how to start at the right spot, no matter how good or bad the overall game is. The opening is always the best part.

Then there was the motorcycle chase. Cid’s airship. The gun fights. Battles with Sephiroth. The extra stuff to find, like summons and extra bosses. So much was jam-packed into the game.

 But the story was the primary factor in making VII famous. It’s definitely one of the better ones. Man, the story became so famous that even gamers who haven’t touched a Final Fantasy game knew the major spoilers. It is the equivalent to knowing Darth Vader’s line, “I am your father” without having actually watched Star Wars.

Aerith (Aeris in the English releases) Gainsborough – the innocent flower girl who holds the secrets of the Ancients – develops a romance with Cloud and fucking dies at the end of Disc 1 by the main villain – Sephiroth. The scene shocked everyone and practically made headlines. Everybody has seen the horrible image in one way or another.

It seems to me that since Final Fantasy V, the stories have gotten more and more used to main character deaths, ultimately transforming into a heavy-hitting TV series rather than simply a video game series. In other words – it matured. Looking back, Final Fantasy IV appears to be child’s play and a prototype of later dramatic storylines with fully realized worlds.

 Final Fantasy VII was also the first Final Fantasy game to create a world much like ours – one with cars and trains and airplanes and machine guns and even cellphones. The main city of Midgar reflects industrialization at its worst, with miles of slums and claustrophobic cities. Shinra Electric Power Company is a reflection of capitalism at its worst - a single entity in charge of so much that it’s pretty much the government. For the first time in a Final Fantasy game, you play as characters who dance between the morally ambiguous line of terrorism and activism. Funny enough, the theme of neglecting the planet resonates with us now more than ever. This game ended up being rather prophetic about the uncontrollable growth of corporations.

While the story is memorable with many intriguing elements, the plot itself is a tangled web. In my opinion, they really hashed in so many things that it’s easy to forget crucial details. It’s not straightforward, but at the same time everything does connect by the end. While Shinra is the driving force as a whole as the villain, Sephiroth takes over, then you learn about his backstory and then with the evil scientist Hojo and the extra-terrestrial Jenova and then “Weapon” and then the planet’s history and this and that and the other thing.

If I were to put Final Fantasy VI and Final Fantasy VII together and contrast them, as many gamers do, I would find that Final Fantasy VII is the summer blockbuster and Final Fantasy VI is the Oscar winner. Final Fantasy VII started introducing the sappy romance subplot to the series. A love triangle forms among Aerith, Cloud, and Cloud’s childhood friend Tifa. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with having a love triangle, the writing is like watching middle schoolers trying to express their feelings. Final Fantasy VI and Final Fantasy IV treated any romance with dignity and realism.

But maybe I’m being a bit harsh. After all, Cloud Strife did go through some suffering as an adolescent. His backstory clearly drives his antisocial behavior, so that becomes a good arc. 

The goofiest but memorable part of the story deals with Don Corneo and Wall Market and running around store to store doing tasks in order to free Tifa from Don Corneo. It ends with Cloud needing to cross-dress as a woman to get inside Don’s mansion. Because, you know, it’s not like Cloud can just break in with his sword and Aerith’s magic or anything like that. But whatever. It’s anime.

The recent Final Fantasy VII Remake for the PS4 seems to streamline the story, and actually enhances the emotions they were trying to deliver in the original. I will be talking about the remake in a separate post altogether since I’m almost done with it at the time of this writing. But there’s a lot that I want to say about comparing and contrasting the remake and the original.

The latter half of the plot takes a couple weird turns. At one point, Cloud became catatonic and confined to a wheelchair.

That part of the game became the sluggish part for me. Sephiroth also tries to confuse Cloud, which confused me. Cloud apparently suffers from some alternate subconscious mumbo-jumbo and like. . .ungh. I get an aneurysm thinking about it sometimes.

Complicated plotlines like Final Fantasy VII start showing up from here on out in the Final Fantasy series. The trend of bishonen characters also begin here, bishonen being the Japanese term for “beautiful boy.” Cloud and Sephiroth have that look. The series starts hashing in sappier romances and much more of an anime feel.

Final Fantasy VII ultimately marked the start of a new era for the series – introducing both cool and overused tropes.

Music:

Hands down the best Final Fantasy soundtrack of all.

The entire soundtrack of this game is memorable. The opening tune, with its light twinkle when the stars show up, is enough to make any gamer know exactly what that’s from.

With a story set in a more modern world, we have music that is more modern. After Final Fantasy VI had a more serious and operatic score, Uematsu displayed his love of progressive rock here. The motorcycle chase incorporates a lot of synth, which was fitting for zipping through the streets of Midgar. However, Final Fantasy VII is the first Final Fantasy game without that familiar starting bassline for the battle them. The battle theme is instantly recognizable but also radically different from its predecessors. It’s dramatic and displays danger.

Meanwhile, the boss theme is one of the best boss themes in the series, or any video game really. It’s an electrifying progressive rock piece, and it’s my personal favorite boss theme.

 The more instrumental pieces are somber, given the dreary atmosphere of the planet. The world map music is very different from its predecessors. It’s romantic one moment, soaring the next, and then dips into foreboding terror. I guess that sums up the story of Final Fantasy VII.

And we cannot leave out One-Winged Angel, which I will talk about below.

Notable Theme:

Without a doubt, One-Winged Angel – played during the terrifying final battle against Sephiroth – is the most memorable piece of music in Final Fantasy VII.

It may very well be the most popular song of the entire series. Nobuo Uematsu was inspired by Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring. It’s a whopping 30 something minute classical piece. If you look it up on YouTube and browse through it, you can definitely note the similarities. However, Uematsu didn’t want some boring classical introduction to the piece. He wanted to add the destructive impact of rock. The theme has a very distinct stamping-your-foot-down quality to it.

I had noticed a certain piece-by-piece feel of the song and that’s exactly how Uematsu composed it. This is the only song that Uematsu has composed where he created several tunes in his head and then rearranged them to make a single comprehensive song.

If you want to get technical, One-Winged Angel is the first Final Fantasy song with lyrics. The chorus sings in Latin about Sephiroth’s burning anger, with some lyrics actually taken from the medieval poem Carmina Burana. It sounds fantastic when fully orchestrated.

In Advent Children, the animated sequel to Final Fantasy VII, the music is accompanied by hardcore metal. This new rendition really illustrates the destructive power of Sephiroth. Uematsu changed the lyrics for Advent Children. They are more original now. I specifically noticed the lyrics “Veni, veni, mi fili”, which translates to “Come, come, my son.” Sephiroth is inviting you so he can kill you.

 Uematsu has stated that the original orchestration didn’t sit well with him. As I suspected, Advent Children’s hardcore metal version is the one he preferred, the one he would have composed had he the technology at the time of Final Fantasy VII.

Verdict:

Another must-play for any RPG fan, even if you think it’s overrated. It’s a must-play because of its popularity, in the same way that people are wide-eyed when you say you haven’t seen Star Wars or such-and-such other popular movie. It’s a whole lot of fun, especially in the scenes that involve other forms of gameplay, such as the motorcycle chase and even a battlefield strategy game in protecting Fort Condor. 

Direct Sequel?

Yes – first there was the CGI movie Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.

I actually watched Advent Children before playing Final Fantasy VII. I had already known most of what happened in the game and Advent Children became a monumental craze when it first came out. Everybody was talking about it. Watching the sequel before playing the game skewers your interpretation of things. My first impression of Cloud was that he was always whiny and angsty, and meanwhile Tifa kept nagging him to move on. I felt really bad for Cloud losing Aerith.

Then when I actually played Final Fantasy VII, I saw that Cloud starts as this badass mercenary. Tifa is spunky and clearly is the better choice (IMO) but Cloud is enamored by Aerith after only meeting her briefly. WHAT? Cloud. Bro. Make a move on Tifa, you nitwit. Tifa is AMAZING.

 Square Enix then continued the story with Dirge of Cerberus – Final Fantasy VII. This video game sequel focuses on Vincent Valentine, a fan favorite of the original game.

Let me remind you about something – the original game revealed Shinra’s inner deep secret experiments, namely with Sephiroth and Jenova. Dirge of Cerberus introduces an even deeper research team within Shinra called Deepground. I don’t know about you, but it already sounds like the start of a terribly redundant string of sequels, like how the Jason Bourne movies keep revealing an even deeper level of conspiracy theories. Vincent’s mysterious background is now fully revealed. He is defined by – guess what? – another angsty lost lover story, this time with a woman named Lucrecia. Now, okay, look, maybe I’m just being a dick about these types of love stories. But when it keeps popping up within the same series in the same manner, I start asking if you have anything else to offer on your menu.

Lastly, there is the prequel for the PSP – Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII. Of all the games in the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core has received the most positive reception. If anything, play that after playing Final Fantasy VII before bothering with anything else.

 Oh, and of course there is the Final Fantasy VII Remake, which we thought wasn’t going to happen for the longest time but they finally released it in April 2020. More on that later after I finish it, and after I post my entire series of Final Fantasy reviews!

[melforbes]

seaglass blue annotations

hello! i just posted the last chapter and thought i’d put together some ~fun context~ for that fic. it got way way more attention than i ever expected and for something i feel i didn’t put that much effort into i think i did in the end put a lot of effort into it so i might as well talk about it and answer some potential questions.

my favorite book of all time is the sunlit night by rebecca dinerstein (yes, that one) and something i find really compelling about that book is how sparing the prose is, forcing the reader to fill in certain gaps, and i think having to fill in those gaps makes the book a really acquired taste with which either you love it or hate it and there’s not really an in-between

i also really adore how in that book the natural world backdrop comes to life, something i find really challenging to write. recently i even read into thin air, the book about the 1996 mount everest disaster, and even though the writing was superb, i still had to google what the hillary step was because i couldn’t picture it on my own. i don’t know how people write nature because to me it feels damn near impossible, but this sparing approach really worked, so i thought i might try it out. i tend to be longwinded (gestures vaguely at this post) and wanted to have certain parts of this be a lot smaller and more contained without negating impact. whether or not i made it work is anyone’s guess. definitely not my normal style, so to speak

based on the comments i’ve received i think this might be everyone’s favorite part. in my mind age of consent by new order was playing in the background. in pretty much every fic i have a scene like this one and all of them are based on the poem first base gold by rh*annon mcg*vin from her book branches (censored because she has a tumblr and i don’t want her seeing this haha)

i absolutely can’t do the poem justice by describing what it’s about, but the simplest, most basic interpretation of the poem is that there is no better place to kiss than right here, right now, because of the past. i really like that imagery and tend to use it a lot. she as a writer has been a big inspiration for me and if you’ve read my fic true minds i should add that the nonfiction inspiration for that was directly as a result of one of her youtube videos. i particularly love how the last paragraph (stanza? im not a poet) is one big run-on sentence that’s jovial and tongue-in-cheek and colloquial and straightforward. it feels triumphant in a quiet way to me and i love how it’s done. obviously my attempts at something similar are nowhere near as insightful, but still, the most basic image of this is that there is no better place to kiss, and that’s how i felt about the two of them finding pudding in the supermarket

this part is autobiographical; while writing this last year, i went through six months of intravenous drug treatment, a month and a half of which involved long days of doctor visits on every weekday. when you’re on stuff like that for a long time you end up with a central line for better access (potential plot hole in all of this: scully never had one) but for a month and a half i got poked almost every day and strangely enough it got harder over time. the first couple you never feel, but a week or two later you start flinching, and if the needle goes in the same vein each time, it hurts the more it gets prodded. i reached a point toward the end of the in-office visits in which i would bleed a lot every time i got poked, and i can’t watch anything like that happen to me so i was looking away each time, and when i felt that the nurse was done, i would look back over, and sometimes i would be looking down at a pool of blood that i hadn’t expected to see. it’s weird, you don’t actually feel yourself bleeding, i would’ve expected a hot bloody feeling but instead it felt like nothing. and when i say a pool i mean that it would drip down beneath my elbow, stain the sheet they’d put underneath, and i wouldn’t get all of it off until i showered. i didn’t necessarily find it scary, but it was surreal and kind of pulled me out of normalizing the experience i was having. for a very long time needing iv drugs was my greatest fear and i was surrounded by that then and fine, and then, there was blood all over my arm, and like, haha, this is actually not fine. you’d think something else would’ve been scarier, but it wasn’t. and now looking back at this paragraph i wish i’d edited it differently but hey that’s life

i’d never really understood the purpose of religion as a self-driven part of life until i took anatomy in college. i was raised catholic and though culturally i understand having a religion and being raised with one, i’ve never really reached for religion when i wanted answers, and i haven’t personally understood why that’s someone’s first option. and i know there’s been plenty of commentary on the hypocrisy of dana scully as a catholic who believes in science, yada yada yada, i think everyone has read all of that by now. but what struck me while learning anatomy is that there is a kind of neuron we don’t know the function of. there are four kinds of neurons, and one of them is still a mystery to us. and then, there’s all of these different parts of human bodies that exist in a certain perfect way, but why do they exist like that? to support life, yes, but why is it that we can make comparisons? why were irises not the same color? and we name valves of the heart after religious figures. we are so hell-bent on meaning that something literal will never be enough. and all of that made me think that dana scully has god to fill in what science won’t answer, at least not yet. and there’s definitely a bigger conversation about science as denial of indigenous cultures that i am nowhere near qualified to start. after taking those classes, i think i would be more shocked if she wasn’t religious. you can ignore pretty much all of the paragraph above but it was important to me that at some point in this fic she willingly conceded that she didn’t know what would happen and that she didn’t have answers. with illness, there is no logic, there’s no thinking your way out of it, and i think that would plague her for a long time. to me, she only would accept her death when she could say she had no idea what would happen, she has no answers, there’s nothing filling in her gaps anymore, and she’s comfortable with that. and i put all of that in a paragraph about my thoughts on god because it made sense to me. there are times that just feel like you’re in a movie and there’s no one else you can say caused them. it’s not enough to build belief on but it’s enough to bring a certain kind of wonder. also one time my parents insisted on watching stripes because it was so funny and when watching it none of us found it funny at all and my parents grimaced and were like what were we on that made that good back in the day so that’s in here now haha

and now, the biggest question: does she die at the end? when i came up with the idea for this fic, i knew the beginning and ending but not the middle, and i posted this as a smaller project (ie: chapters below 3,000 words) while illness made my bigger projects harder to work on and essentially flew by the seat of my pants the whole time. i wrote the last line a long long time ago and have always seen the ending as written as the concrete ending. when i started writing this, i never intended for there to be a definitive answer to whether or not she dies. i like premature endings (the ending of girls burn brighter comes to mind) and i think that this works better without saying whether or not she lives. and i also have a hard time with giving a definitive answer because this fic very much is about death and having her die would, of course, be traumatic, but showing her living instead i think ruins any takeaways people could have. i’ve never had cancer but as a chronically ill person i think i can speak to how you never actually win with illness; the best you can do is tie, and sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in, you “lose” anyway, you lose spectacularly, and all of your effort was for nothing. i wholeheartedly believe that humans can’t emotionally or logically process natural disasters or illness, hence why much of the talk about illness in this is from mulder’s perspective as he experiences her terminal illness secondhand; that way, he doesn’t need to (but still likely will) find logic or reason or meaning for death from a terminal illness, so his discoveries and his coping mechanisms aren’t as urgently needed. had i written a chapter that describes how she lives, i think that the discussion of death in this would be voided altogether. and i also don’t believe the ending would be much different whether she lives or dies; there’s still the need for death acceptance and talking about dying, whether or not she lives, and none of the story in this fic would have happened had the characters known she would live. the whole point is not knowing.

for a little while i toyed with writing an unofficial sequel of sorts in which i spelled out what i think happens after the ending, but after realizing that that would end up being longer than the original fic and would also have some massive plot holes, i decided against it. i do have my own version and i don’t want to share that version because i never really intended for my version to be some kind of genuine sequel in which every question gets answered and everything is wrapped up and happy ever after and whatnot. it was just where my brain wandered in the same way it wanders when i watch an open-ended movie. all of that to say, if you think she lives, then she lives. if you think she dies, then she dies. it’s your decision. i’d much rather you choose than me. i never marked this as “major character” death on ao3 because, well, she doesn’t die in this fic. whether or not she dies after the fic ends, that’s for you to decide. 

thank you for taking the time to read my writing. i never expected this to blow up (it blew up for me at least, for a while it was my most popular fic ever, with i think thousands more hits than anything else i’d written) and the response has been mind-boggling and wonderful. i don’t respond to comments often because it makes me feel like a pompous jerk (”thank you for enjoying this! i, too, enjoy this thing i have written! oh ho ho!” is how it sounds to me in my head, whereas when other writers respond to comments to me it just looks like thanks man have a good day, feel free to call me a weenie) but i’ve appreciated all of them very much. THANK YOU! i hope your new year is a Whole Lot Less Shit than 2020. i don’t plan on writing more msr because i don’t really have any ideas for them. thank you for making my last time special <3

[phlondie]

okay ik this is an opinion no one asked for but now im thinking about the whole dan and phil joint branding as opposed to Dan Branding™ and Phil Branding™. also this is fully adding onto posts on @ browncesario and @ demonetisation’s blogs and i feel too awkward to tag them bc i dont wanna make anyone feel obligated to read this lol but if i repeat anything they said or their anons said its not on purpose!

but like, full disclaimer while i love dan and phil i feel like its always been kind of obvious that they were marketing their relationship to us? obv not so much anymore but like... as much as people who dont keep up w dnp like to pretend that their only awareness of us as a fanbase was creepy objectifying shippers who should feel ashamed for harassing them etc etc, they’ve always been way more tuned into their audience than i think people realize. like they’ve *known* what we’re like, and i dont even mean just the bad parts. like they *know* that a lot of their fanbase is queer and genuinely has looked up to them as queer role models long before they were out, and a lot of that hinges on us understanding they were a couple. and ik they resented it and i wasn’t really part of the fanbase until a few years ago but hearing stories of how dan would react on liveshows sometimes and the like, barely concealed resentment for the fans sometimes shows that while they definitely had issues with it (which like,,, is fair), they also knew they were kind of stuck in a rut. because if their primary source of fans are people who like seeing them together, that meant that their success as youtubers/creators/etc depended on keeping those fans right where they were.

and to be clear! i know ive never been here primarily for their relationship; i started watching them bc i thought they were funny together and had a good dynamic, which wouldve been possible even if they really were just friends. i didnt get emotionally invested in the projection part of it until later. but even so, i was always aware as a fan that they were selling to us the speculation of their relationship.

and this is def pulling from other posts ive seen today but considering the fanfic part of tatinof, the fact that they wrote fanfic in tabinof and incorporated shippy fan art into the youtube versions, giving the people what they want, even little things like the conjoined baking challenge vid.... they wanted us to stay curious about their relationship. Even if on a very real level it was literally bringing back trauma for them, there was this weird cognitive dissonance between “im angry at people for speculating about us” and “look here, dont stop speculating about us! look we’re sharing a sweater! look we’re being ~domestic~ in ditls!”

which is also why i thought the hiatus wouldnt last long tbh, like i was genuinely shocked that after the success of ii they would completely separate their brandings from each other in 2019. and i wont @ this person but someone said it best years ago when they said that joint branding had to die for dnp to come out. bc it really did; how could they keep up the speculation if we have literally almost all the puzzle pieces laid out? when they’ve primed their audience to actively hunt down these pieces (even if again, they would rather have not, esp given what they each talked about in their coming out videos), but they dont *want* us to put it all together, how could they sustainably make joint content while keeping the speculation fanbase there? bc once the speculation is over, people are gonna keep wanting more. (and disclaimer i really dont think this applies to like....anyone i follow on here tbh bc in general i feel like we’re fine w them keeping their boundaries where they are, but we’ve all seen posts like that that indicate that people *will* want more, and thats something that they’re unwilling to give and understandably so).

anyway this all goes to the main thing that brought all this on today lol, ever since 2019 they’ve been trying to cultivate their own separate branding from each other, and while i’m here for it tbh, surely they know that they’ll never escape their old joint branding. Which also means never escaping the spectre of relationship speculation. so i have mixed feelings about seeing dan act shocked that people could ever speculate about his private life once he became famous bc like 1) thats literally just what happens when you become famous, and 2) ....he and phil egged it on up to a point, and that doesnt mean it didnt upset them but it definitely feels off for dan to always be so pikachu face about having had fans that speculated about his relationship. like dan you literally wrote erotic fanfiction about you and phil, pieced together fan art illustrating it that showed you and phil in a homoerotic lens, and yet you’re *still* acting shocked and indignant that fans got invested in your relationship/the possibility of your relationship?? idk man. its confusing bc at the time i took things like that as “oh, we’re in on the joke,” but ever since 2019 they’ve made it more clear that we’re not, but we’re also not *not* in on it to an extent (looking at you, cah phan edition)

so im def still excited for dan’s book (like the subject doesnt terribly interest me tbh but i do wanna see what he does with it and read whatever highlights inevitably get posted on here), but as always w the end of regular joint content, im lowkey here for the over-analyzing about the relationship between dan, phil, their fans, and their content bc dear god we never run out of material to rant about

[brujoenlafrontera]

hi!!! I’m a puertorriqueño/nicaragüense enby looking into resources for learning bruja stuff, any good place you know to start?

I’ve gotten a couple of asks about this lately, and i’m so happy to know there are more latinos finding their way to the practice, tumblr’s brujeria tag often gives the impression that theres so little of us out there reclaiming our practices but getting asks like these brings me a lot of faith that thats not true :) first and foremost:

GETTING INTO BRUJERIA IS HARD.

it really is. baby brujos like us know that better than anyone- getting started, is often the hardest part of doing anything, and its no different with brujeria. it can feel so overwhelming and feeling lost is natural. from my experience, although i am still a newbie ive been able to find a lot of information out there, here are the best places to find info, sorted by priority:

FAMILY! a little self explanatory, but brujeria at its best is truly is an inherited, familial practice. If you can, before delving into internet resources, definitely connect w your family if you’re able to and ask them for guidance and about their experiences!

Your family is always the best resource over anything you can find online; theres so much misinformation out there or information not relevant to your region and if someone in your family already has established practices, always trust them first

 Do some thinking back to all your cultural traditions, quirks, stories, and superstitions that you’ve  learned from your family across time and never thought too much about- and rediscover them under a new light

KEEP IN MIND: brujeria is NOT a singular , concrete practice w concrete rules in itself, the term blankets a lot of traditions across latam, the caribbean, mexico, but imo its always best to stick with brujeria related to your heritage and where your connection is.

this can be hard for people (like me!) with huge family taboos toward brujeria that make it unsafe to ask around about, and/or limitations in family connections (also like me unfortunately). I personally can really only get the tidbits and stories that my family accidentally slips out when I occasionally see them. i try to write them down as much as possible, but the info i can get is limited... and thats where the following comes in.

ONLINE COMMUNITIES. i.e, youtube, tumblr, instagram brujx communities. notice I haven’t said “internet” in general- the reason why i trust community based social media more than random individual websites you find on google is because, in the case of brujeria and honestly any non-european craft, you’re often gonna find a LOT of white people writing blogs, books, etc about their “spiritual experiences” in latam countries and wrongly/incorrectly taking ATR or indigenous traditions (like with smudging). I know, with social media, although those same white people are also on insta and tumblr, it’s a LOT easier to see the face behind the accounts and differentiate who to trust, who’s legit and has real experience to share, rather than a nameless, faceless, website that is actually some colonizer sharing colonized ideas who thinks theyre on a spiritual journey taking traditions all willy nilly. And the fact that in social media, its much easier to find a lot of good brujas at once bc they tend to follow each other lmao.what ive personally done to find information tho is essentially SCOUR tumblrs, insta accs, and watching tons of youtube videos for posts, accounts, videos, etc, and narrowing down good info from there through , namely:

CHECKING WHO YOUR SOURCE IS!!!

ASKING YOURSELF FROM WHAT EXPERIENCE THEYRE SPEAKING FROM

ALWAYS TAKING EVERYTHING WITH A GRAIN OF SALT

AND STICKING TO INFO FROM CULTURES OPEN AND RELEVANT TO ME.

again, brujería is different depending on where your family is from in latam, and if you have an established connection to indigenous and/or black roots, so it’s useful to use keywords relating to that when searching (like if ur black, you can look into ATRs(african traditional religions) which tend to mix deeply with brujeria, if ur indigenous, finding other people from your tribe is great, and if youre not pursuing your already learned traditions you can think about connecting to them more deeply(altho indigenous traditions are their own thing, sometimes they do mix with brujeria too), and apart from familial roots, if ur catholic/christian and/or want to explore it, saint work/catholic brujeria might be a good fit for you!)  

tumblr: there are a couple of fantastic brujxs on this site with great blogs and resources who have sadly left the site, but i still go through their posts heavily for spells, rituals, scraps of info! etting started w brujería is hard bc there’s really not that much info out there right now, but i compile as many good brujeria posts i find on my acc.

@brujeria-n-bongs great for catholic brujeria, now at @Upliftherbs on instagram

@brujeria-lost @barberwitch @reina-morada @highbrujita

@naomi121406 is by far the most active and informative tumblr resource ive found, shes an afro-indigenous diaguita curandera from argentina so shes also really helpful if ATRs are in your path!

Im not black myself and dont follow ATRs so i don’t really know many good blogs for afrolatine brujxs out there but if anyone would like to tag some in the replies thatd be awesome!

instagram: Ive found that instagram #brujeria tags has a pretty healthy active stream of posts. You’re gonna have to sift through a lot of them to get to the good stuff though- imo a lot of hispanics use the brujería tag not to mean “latine brujería” but just the spanish word for witchcraft, so a lot of white hispanics will put wicca/neo witchcraft in the tag. imo that’s really not something i’m personally interested in bc it’s not true to brujeria’s traditional nature, is very white/eruropean , and that wicca shit basically just got here. its a relatively a recent thing😭 so i try to stick to bruja accounts that aren’t influenced by that.

youtube: The youtube brujería tag is hit or miss? and again, contains a lot of wicca. But there are some good practitioners on there like The Mexican Witch! You just gonna look around, and dont be afraid to click on videos by really really small youtubers; they often are the ones with the most informative and legit things to say!

Everyone’s path as a bruja/o/x (sjdf trying to be inclusive w gendered language is difficult) is different but here are some topics i think are great to look into as a beginner!

ancestors: start at the bottom and figure out who they are, where theyre from, and set up an altar. it’ll help you a lot with figuring out your identity and path as a bruja later on.

setting up a grimoire

divination: tarot is actually what got me into brujeria at first! tarot isnt strictly traditional and is european in itself but its a wonderful tool for connecting to dieties, saints, etc as well as super fun and helps a lot with introspection

ritual abrecaminos, aka road opening spells!

amarres (love spells... proceed with caution)

limpias, mal de ojo

saint work: even if you’re not catholic (im ex catholic), a growing number of us (especially lgbt latines like @/upliftherbs on instagram) are starting to take back and decolonize our view of saints like La Virgen Maria and removing her from the rigid european/colonized interpretation thats been forced into us

candle spells in general (i fucking love candles tbh, cheap, easy, fun, and WORKS)

spiritual colognes, how to cleanse

finally, here are some helpful posts yall should definitely read and think about moving forward!

about using tumblr as a resource

about looking into brujeria as a part-white part latine

bruja psa + about reclaiming lost indiginety

honestly naomi’s entire brujeria tag is great and super informative for beginners and basically holds answers for almost anything at this point

hope this post helps yall out!

EDIT: oh lord now that this is posted the outline format i tried to use is all kinds of fucked up please dont mind the odd numbering lmfao tumbr hates organized formats

[lovelybrittxo]

where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

[handweavers]

hi hi!! ive tried to ask this a couple of times but idk how to word it alskjd but how would u recommend to get started in textile arts!! ive only ever done very simple embroidery for fun before but it all sounds so so interesting and i love reading your posts about it all!! thank u

hi!!! the really cool thing about textiles is there's infinite things you can do with them, it's the most versatile medium in my opinion and because it's so closely tied with our survival every culture in the world has some sort of textile tradition and we've had literally thousands upon thousands of years to come up with new ways of playing with fiber!

however that means there's literally SO much out there that it can feel impossible to approach because no matter what you're just hitting the tip of the iceberg. the most common things i would say are knitting, crochet, sewing, embroidery, quilting, and cross stitch, but there's also rug hooking, yarn painting, spinning, weaving, dyeing, nålebinding, macrame, felting, and lace making (and i'm sure i'm still leaving out stuff.) each craft can be done in so many ways and with wildly different techniques.

i recommend picking one or a few that interest you and doing some research on them and watch beginners youtube videos to get an idea of them and the supplies needed to start. pick one and try to find the supplies you'd need for cheap online or lower-end craft stores or diy them (there are lots of tutorials!! you can diy weavers looms, drop spindles, etc. from stuff you might already have) don't spend money on expensive materials until you know you like it, you can test any of these crafts out without spending a lot of money. look on ebay or fb marketplace or similar local sites if anyone's selling used or cheap equipment or materials, lots of people sell big boxes of yarn or thread or knitting needles they don't need anymore!! yarn can be expensive too so look for people selling leftover yarn lots!! you can get some good quality stuff for next to nothing.

if you prefer learning thru reading you can google magazines about the craft and look for free PDFs or see if your local library has any, check your library too for books about it!! in my experience there are always books about knitting and quilting and embroidery in libraries it's pretty much guaranteed. also check out your local museums esp textile museums if you can afford it, you can see all the places people take the medium and you might see something and go 'that! i want to learn how to make that!'

i find that it's easiest to learn something new when i have a specific thing i'm going to use it for, ex. i wanted to learn knitting so i could make my own socks, i wanted to learn the zig zag stitch so i could make a scarf with it, i wanted to learn to spin so i could weave and knit with it, i'm teaching myself pibione weaving to make this specific tapestry idea i have, etc. figure out a concrete project you want to be able to make, like socks or a pillow or a rug or a shirt or a patch or a wall hanging or a plant hanger etc its one thing to say "I want to learn how to knit" and another to say "I want to learn how to knit so I can make my own sweaters" and focus your learning on the skills and materials to be able to produce something. its incredibly motivating.

if you have any q's about getting into a specific craft let me know!! but this is generally the advice i'd give regardless of the fiber art. best of luck!!

[chanbangblog]

ive only felt religion when ive lied with you- 1

A/N: (smut, Chan x reader, Canon compliant, fan/idol)

The sun peeped in at you through the small slit in the curtains. Your eyes fluttered open and then closed again. You laid there in a beautiful mix of sleep and awake when suddenly you realized you were late for work. You sat up and became perplexed at your surroundings, this was definitely not your room.

Wait, where am I… you started to wonder.

You looked over to see Robyn lying next to you, still asleep looking quite peaceful and hugging her Chimmy plushie. Then you realized you weren’t at home, and this wasn’t just any day, this was the day you were going to meet Stray Kids.

Your heart began to speed up at your sudden realization. You looked around the room and empty cans of hard cider littered the bedside table. Last night’s pad Thai was sitting on the dresser, probably harboring god knows how many bacteria after sitting out at room temperature all night. You felt a tinge of nausea at the thought of it, or any food for that matter.

Oh god. Am I going to be able to eat today? I have to eat, I’ll never be able to stand in line and make it through the concert if I don’t eat. Let alone have the strength to survive MEETING THEM at hi-touch.

You pushed your hair behind your ears, closed your eyes and focused on your breathing.

Not today, anxiety. It’s too early for this bullshit.

Your therapist had taught you to talk to your anxiety like it was a person. Speaking of him, God bless that man for listening to you over the past several months preparing for this day. You had drilled him for an endless amount of coping mechanisms in order make sure that you, quite literally, didn’t faint when you met the nine boys who seemingly occupied your every thought.

You rolled out of bed as cautiously as you could, so you didn’t wake Robyn. You walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Your hair was stuck to the side of your head and you had sleep still in the corners of your eyes. You decided to take a shower and think about what to have for breakfast.

The hot water beat into your skin and steam began to fill the bathroom. You inhaled deeply. Trying to focus on the present and not psych yourself out about the night ahead.

You’re just giving them a high five. Hundreds of fans will get to do the same. They definitely won’t remember you, you’ll blend in with the millions of other girls who are desperately in love with them.

 This thought calms you for a moment. Being rational in situations of stress wasn’t particularly your strong suit, so you were happy with this little victory.

When you got out of the shower you checked your phone. You had several notifications from Instagram from realstraykids. Hyunjin was posting selfies and talking about being excited for the concert tonight. Swiping through the pictures he took with other members, Chris got your attention. His hair was a golden blonde and was starting to grow so long, it looked like a borderline mullet with the way it was styled.

“Chris with a mullet steals my soul!!!!” you commented on the picture and then put your phone away.

You walked back into the room and Robyn was awake. You took one look at her and burst into the most high pitched squeal you could manage.

Well. Being calm was nice while it lasted.

“Good god, y/n. Are you gonna be like this all day?” Robyn asked, already looking done with your shit.

 Robyn didn’t originally stan Stray Kids. You introduced them to her after you got the tickets. You had been to kpop concerts with her in the past so she seemed like the obvious choice to go with you. You had invited Robyn over a couple months ago and had a “hard intro to Stray Kids” Youtube watching session. Which had included videos like “stray kids on crack” and “a super shitty and unhelpful guide to stray kids.” She eventually chose two biases, Minho and Jisung. When she had told you later that night you were overjoyed because you had predicted who she would bias.

“NO WAY!!!!” you had screeched, “I texted my friend earlier and predicted you would bias them! Just so I could show you when I was right!”

What could you say, you love Robyn, but she has a certain type that always wrecks her. Pretty baby faces and strong vocals. You couldn’t blame her though, they were both an excellent choice.

You snapped back to the present.

“Uh no. I’m calm, I just, uh… yeah I’m gonna be like this all day.” You confessed.

Thank God I have a friend brave enough to put up with me.

The morning went by faster than you thought it would. You all ordered breakfast and spent the morning watching Jinyoung’s new kdrama. You wanted to get to the venue early-ish because even though you had good tickets, you were still GA and didn’t want to be shoved completely to the back of your section.

 You had spent months picking the perfect outfit that you would feel confident in to meet them. It was May so you weren’t sure about the weather, but you decided to bank on it being hot outside. You chose a sleeveless shirt that was metallic gold, with a bow that tied around the front and buttoned down. You had also chosen a skort set that looked like a black mini-skirt but actually had shorts underneath and low-top combat boots to complete the look. You curled your hair and tried to give it as much volume as possible. Not that it would matter, you knew it would be matted to your head with sweat by the end of the concert. But hey, you gotta look good for the pics for the ‘gram, right?

 You arrived at the venue and was baking outside under the morning sun, it was sweltering, you didn’t expect this for May. Your skin was baking under the late spring sun. You definitely had a sunburn and had only been in line for an hour.

Why on Earth did I wear a tank top...I’m not gonna be able to raise my arm to high five them without the smell knocking them down!

Suddenly an image of Jeongin falling backward at the smell of your body odor made you laugh out loud. You could see the headlines now, “kpop fangirl’s body odor causes singer to faint.” I mean, it would be hilarious, mortifying, but hilarious.

The concert was a blur, as always. You sang along to all the words you knew and your voice felt hoarse towards the end. You couldn’t believe how close you were to them. The venue was much smaller than you had anticipated. The light was shining off of them and their sweat made them glisten. You were so close you could see their muscles rippling under their denim when they danced.

Felix began talking to the fans about how much he loves us and wants to keep performing well for us. Felix and Changbin are my biases so I was completely engulfed in his cute Aussie accent being spoken 40 feet from me. It was almost too much. The members were fanned out across the stage while he talked and Chris drifted over to the side I was on. The girls and boys around me went wild trying to speak to him but he probably couldn’t hear them.

Rude. My baby Felix is having a moment and y’all are acting like idiots trying to talk over him.

Robyn elbowed me hard in the rib.

“Y/n,” she breathed, “Chris is staring in our direction.”

 You looked over and locked eyes with him. You froze. You always thought you knew what you would do if you came face to face with one of your idols. But you were wrong. You didn’t feel the way you had predicted at all. You thought your knees would buckle. You thought you would scream or perhaps cry. But you didn’t. You couldn’t describe the feeling that came over you under his gaze. You couldn’t describe it other than feeling totally confident and empowered for the first time in a long time. You realized you needed to react before he looked away so you winked and attempted to look sexy. Then he raised an eyebrow at you, kept your gaze and went back to get in line for the next song.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT! WHY DID I WINK? WHO DOES THAT OH MY GOD.

You were going though it inside and Robyn could tell.

“Um, what was that?? Girl, you just had an interaction with him!” Robyn whispered in your ear.

 You looked around and none of the concert-goers around you seemed to notice. No one was looking at you. You began to wonder if you imagined it. Your cheeks were burning a fiery red and your stomach felt like it was being assaulted with a swarm of butterflies.

How am I going to face him at hi-touch after that?? God y/n you were supposed to try to blend in.

You told your inner voice to fuck off, just like your therapist had taught you. But the rest of the concert, you couldn’t keep your eyes off Chris.

   You were standing in line for hi-touch and your knees were buckling. You felt like your entire body was on edge and your insides were being electrocuted.

“You’re going to pass out if you keep holding your breath, y/n.” Robyn quietly reminded you. You suddenly realized you had been holding your breath.

“How did I get here? Maybe we should just run.”  You said in a panicked voice.

Robyn looked you up and down like you had just spoken another language.

“Y/n, we’re not being marched to our deaths, we’re meeting this band that you have been obsessing over for months! Get it together! Breathe!” Robyn said while starting to shake you.

She’s right. What the hell is wrong with you. You paid so much money for these tickets and your bank account is still recovering. You’re doing this.

The line was starting to move faster than you would like. You got closer and closer to where you knew the boys were standing. You saw them in the distance and suddenly realized how tall they were in real life. You should’ve anticipated this since you already knew you were shorter than the shortest member.

They’re just people. They’re just boys. You talk to boys all the time.

You started to calm down. Until you locked eyes with Chris in the distance.

What was it about his gaze that made you take on a totally different attitude and mindset? Five seconds earlier you were contemplating running again. Now it felt like all of Earth’s gravity was holding you here in this one spot, like this was the only place you were ever supposed to be at this moment in time. You felt confident under his gaze, you felt bold.

You’re still not sure what possessed you, but you broke the gaze to start searching through your purse. You found a receipt and quickly ripped a small piece of the end. The line was moving and you were forced to walk while ransacking your purse. You finally found a pen. You tried to be as nonchalant as you could so you didn’t attract attention from other fans.

As sneakily as you could, you quickly scribbled: Kakao y/n0325.

Good god, why did I put their debut date in my name on there…I’m such a psycho. That’s so embarrassing.

But you didn’t have time to ponder on that because it was almost your turn. You didn’t have a plan. You didn’t know how you were going to get this to him without being noticed, but you did know that it felt right and you wanted to do it. Chris was the last member in the lineup.

 Woojin was first. You had already planned out what you were going to say to each of them. You got up to him and his chocolate brown hair was gleaming in the fluorescence. Your hands met and you felt your mind go blank, he was smiling at you as you grappled with your words in your head.

“YOUR VOICE IS LIKE HONEY,” you blurted out, half-yelling at the poor man.

He just laughed and said thank you as you moved on.

Minho was looking at you smiling with his hand up. You didn’t struggle as long with finding words this time.

“I’m so proud of you, I love you to death,” You said as you passed by.

He laughed and said thank you in the cutest accent you’ve ever heard.

Changbin was next. Your bias, which made your thoughts become even more erratic than they had been before. You just started smiling uncontrollably and said “Hiiiiii, I love you Changbinnie” and he looked back at you fondly and said he loved you too.

You were face to face with Hyunjin before you realized it and my, was he good looking, it was like an angel was literally standing in front of you.

“You’re even cuter in person,” you said as fast as you could while touching hands with him. He just laughed and nodded in response.

You couldn’t think of anything else, your mind was at overload when you met Felix, Jisung, Jeongin and Seungmin. So you just told them you loved them as fast and as many times as you could.

When you got to Chris, you finally looked up at him and felt a shiver rip through your core. Your heart felt like it had dropped into your stomach. You felt like you were in an elevator that was falling down with reckless abandon. You raised your right hand up to give him a high five. Your hand was empty. But at the last second you switched and raised your left hand up as quickly as you could and the piece of paper was between your hands. You moved your hand slightly so he could feel it and finally spoke.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, but this just isn’t long enough.” You said with all the confidence you could muster.

His eyes sparked as he realized what you were doing. He moved his hand and quickly closed it and put it in his pocket.

“Oh yes, I agree,” he said, very coolly with that unmistakable smile that he always shows the world. The smile that you had become so fond of over the last several months. The smile that gave fans hope all around the world and now, at this moment, he was smiling because of you.

  For the second time that night, Robyn looked at you in disbelief as you rounded the corner in the hall way exiting the venue.

“Y/n, you’re the smoothest human alive,” she said with a shocked expression on her face.

You suddenly busted into cackling laughter. It overwhelmed you and wracked your body. Bubbling up from your core. You couldn’t control it. You’re sure you were unnerving everyone near you with your maniacal laughter. Everyone knows, nothing comes good after maniacal laughter. You laughed until your abdominal muscles ached, and tears were spilling down your cheeks.

“That was the best time of my life,” you said in between bouts of laughter.

Robyn started laughing too and you two called a cab to head back to your hotel.

 You tried not to dwell on your interaction with Chris. He had been nice and a bit flirty, but he was like that with all Stays. You had watched countless youtube compilations of your idols flirting with fans. It was normal. It was nothing special. That’s what you told yourself when you arrived back in your hotel room and your heart was still fluttering in your chest, refusing to return to its normal pace.

Hey, I’m going at my own pace, Chris would at least be proud of that.

You suddenly started laughing again at your own thoughts and told Robyn you were getting in the shower. She was probably very thankful for this, after the events of the day and the copious amounts of sweat you had shed. You turned on your slow kpop playlist and once again let the steam fill up the room while the water beat down on you. You put your head up against the tile wall of the shower and let the water envelop you.

 I had an interaction with Chris. Fans have interactions with their idols all the time at concerts. He was very charismatic, you already knew that. Stop overthinking it and just be happy you made these memories with them, y/n.

Your heart rate began to slow and you focused on the water and the steady hum the shower made. Tomorrow you and Robyn were going into the city and it was going to be a good day. You were going to have a good day with your friend and recount concert memories. Life was good.

You stepped out of the shower and grabbed your phone to turn off the playlist. Butterfly by BTS was playing and you were about to sing along for a few words when you checked your notifications.

You had a few comments on your Instagram posts but your eyes glazed over when you saw what was next.

A notification from Kakao, a notification from none other than Christopher Bang himself.