#ive never been good at messaging friends out of the blue which is why social media is nice

[pagesofkenna]

I'm starting to feel once again like taking a break from social media would be good for me, but I'm also nervous about losing the human contact that comes seeing people reacting to my posts, and reacting to other peoples posts

[xiaomomowrites]

act IV

Genshin Impact | TartaLi/ZhongChi

Summary: It was the way Zhongli’s warm amber eyes suddenly were not as warm anymore. The way he looked at him with a piercing look, void of remorse, as he handed his gnosis over willingly to go on a whole tangent about how his “duties were done”. It was the way he turned and treated the precious traveler with the same amount of kindness and gentleness the Childe had received the previous night, with such ease; it was a look he thought was reserved only for him. It was the way he was able to turn back around, stare at Childe with an unreadable gaze, and walk away without so much of a goodbye.

Or, Zhongli and Childe finally have the conversation that was long overdue.

A/N: I’ve been playing genshin for roughly four or five months now, I can’t remember exactly when I started, but boy do I love it. No you don’t understand, I’m obsessed. But these two have been taking up room in my big brain, so I wanted to write for them. It’s been awhile since I wrote for pleasure so hopefully this is satisfactory :,) and tomorrow, I’m back to school, so I thought I’d enjoy my last day of freedom and post this today. Fun fact, I’m minoring in professional writing, so I’m hoping that it’ll improve my writing skills when I write for luxury, too. Anyway, this was a really fun piece for me to write and I hope you share the sentiment.

Also thank you guys for being so patient with our inactivity and just being such a chill audience to write for. Other social media platforms have become so...demanding haha. I appreciate y’all! Feel free to message us or talk to us about whatever :) -u.n.

Find this on AO3!

Spoiler alert: this fic does contain spoilers for the A New Star Approaches arc, so read at your own risk.

—

In Childe’s line of work, he is no stranger to betrayal.

Working as a Fatui Harbinger meant an unhealthy amount of fighting, betraying one person, deceiving another, and then on occasion, getting betrayed himself. It was all in a days’ work. Childe knew he would just have to roll out his neck and move on. He’s done it before, he can do it again. He would think that, after nineteen years of this grueling rinse and repeat, that he’d be able to tolerate a lot in the field. In fact, working with that wretched colleague of his, Scaramouche, and serving the Tsaritsa with a loyalty unmatched explicitly calls for the patience and tolerance of a saint.

Alas, Childe is the furthest thing from a saint. And still, Zhongli’s betrayal stung the most out of anyone else’s, the reason still unbeknownst to him. He tells himself that it’s because he had actually befriended the other man. That, unlike his other missions, he developed more of a friendship with Zhongli than he has with anyone else in the past. Not to mention how he really thought he’d find the gnosis, in all its golden glory, seated deep within the Exuvia, and not within his friend.

Which is why after he watches Zhongli hand over his precious gnosis to Signora of all people, Childe makes haste to return to the inn he had been staying at to furiously pack his things and leave first thing in the morning. Seeing Signora in Liyue so close to Zhongli had triggered a deep seated feeling of possessiveness over him and the city. Liyue was his territory, as far as he was concerned. It was assigned to him by the Tsaritsa and no one else. And yet, despite his unspoken possession over Liyue, its people turned against him and viewed him as the enemy. As if Childe didn’t already know that. As if he hadn’t already grown up with a layered villain complex, subconsciously looking for a fool with a hero complex to match him. Then entered Zhongli, making himself at home in Childe’s life, and he was immediately enamouring the Harbinger.

Screw Liyue.

Screw all their traditions, the stupid glaze lilies, the delicious cuisine, the obvious livelihood that fills the streets in stark contrast to his own icy hometown, screw all those goddamn unnecessary mountains, that fish market with that abhorrent smell he gradually got used to, and screw Rex Lapis. Screw Zhongli, that handsome bastard, for stringing him along like his plaything the entire time.

Childe knows, he gets it, that Zhongli simply did what he had to do because it was best for his people. And what other way for the oldest of the seven to go, if not for a grand finale? And yes, Childe admits, luring out Osial was a stupid move, but it certainly served its purpose for testing the strength of Liyue and its defenders.

Zhongli and Signora knew he would do something stupid and reckless as soon as he caught wind of the Exuvia serving as a decoy. They knew, and they played the game so well, that Childe really thought he was the mastermind puppeteering the whole show.

What a fool he was made out to be.

Childe aggressively shoves blazer after blazer into his travel duffel, angry, pathetic tears pooling at the corners of his eyes without his consent. He sniffs angrily and swipes at his cheek as soon as the first tear falls.

Fuck this, he’s not crying over a god, he still has some dignity.

But still. Pride aside, it hurt. And it wasn’t even necessarily the deceit that hurt the most. He’s dealt with that previously. It was… more personal. More of an internal struggle than an external issue. Childe truly hates those the most. At least he can shove his fist through any external problem, but he can’t exactly do the same with his feelings, or whatever they’re called.

It was the way Zhongli’s warm amber eyes suddenly were not as warm anymore. The way he looked at him with a piercing look, void of remorse, as he handed his gnosis over willingly to go on a whole spiel about how his “duties were done”. It was the way he turned and treated the precious traveler with the same amount of kindness and gentleness the Childe had received the previous night, with such ease; it was a look he thought was reserved only for him. It was the way he was able to turn back around, stare at Childe with an unreadable gaze, and walk away without so much of a goodbye.

The same eyes that gazed at him with such affection and kindness were suddenly replaced with the eyes of a soldier. And it was only then that Childe fully realized the force he was reckoning with. Zhongli was a withered god who lived too long for his own good. A powerful deity that held the ability to shake the ground with a look; he who had been humbled by time and his sharp edges eroded by the millions of faces that passed him. Simply put, Childe was just another one of those faces. And again, he understood. If he lived for six thousand years, he wouldn’t want to be alive after the first hundred.

It was the duality that dug the blade deeper into his already bleeding chest. He felt used.

“I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, Childe,” Zhongli had said to him on a warm Liyuen night, “a friend of mine, a long time ago, told me that I was… bad at connecting with people. Emotionally stunted, is what she called me. And she is correct, as I have definitely struggled with making connections in the past. But with you… it’s different. It’s easy.

Childe is thankful for the discretion that night provides him; Zhongli would have easily spotted the blush spreading across his pale cheeks had it been daytime.

“So you had trouble making a couple friends, so what?” The ginger shrugs, “I wasn’t the best at making friends, either. My mom always said I was too aggressive. Apparently that’s not such an appealing trait, after all.”

Zhongli chuckles, a beautiful sound. “It was a bit deeper than that, I’m afraid. Understanding the complexity of another’s emotions was always difficult for me, whereas she… she was loved by everyone. Adored by the youngest of fawns to the oldest of horses. It came so naturally to her. I was the opposite. Not that everyone hated me, no, people just had a harder time getting close to me. Which is why, upon meeting you, I was shocked to find that we clicked so well. Befriending you was as easy as breathing air.”

Oh, Archons, help him.

“And,” Zhongli continues, as if he hadn’t already wrecked the man six ways to hell and back, “I must sincerely thank you for indulging me once again.” The deity glances down at the bag full of antique trinkets in his lap. Childe’s lips turn upward into one of his more genuine, rare smiles.

“What’s with you tonight?” Childe responds, and Zhongli looks at him questioningly , “I mean, you never had a problem with me spoiling you rotten before. You’ve never even acknowledged it. Why start now?”

Zhongli tears his gaze away from the Harbinger.

“And,” the ginger continues, “it almost sounds like you’re saying goodbye.”

Zhongli smiles at him then. He wore a kind look on his face, eyes so impossibly warm that it reminded him of his grandmother’s pirozhki. Hot and steaming from the center, melting on his tongue, dissolving deliciously in his mouth and defrosting his entire body. His smile felt like it wrapped itself around his chest and squeezed the best way possible, fitting him back together in places Childe didn’t even realize he had broken.

“What makes you say that?”

Oh, Childe is pissed.

Fuck tomorrow morning, Childe is leaving tonight.

The memories of last night crash over him not unlike a tidal wave and suddenly, he’s drowning. Filled out the brim with a familiar rage burning through his chest and searing his finger tips, his legs, his fucking toes.

He stands abruptly when he realizes he’s been sitting and resumes his packing. It doesn’t take very long after that. A couple toiletries get shoved into the side pockets, his vision is hooked back onto his hip, and his mask is slid into its’ usual spot on his head. He looks at himself in the mirror on the way out and scowls at the way his hair looks more disheveled than usual. Red rims his dulled blue eyes, forcing him to accept that maybe he cried more than he’d like to admit. Whatever.

He swings the door open and-

“Childe,” lo and behold, Zhongli stands in his fucking doorway, “I’d like to talk to you, if that’s alright.” The man looks slightly disheveled. He’s a little out of breath, Childe notices, like he ran up those ridiculous flights of stairs to get to his room- which, by the way, he never disclosed that information with him.

The man in question huffs a laugh. “It’s not.”

He makes a move to brush past him, but is stopped by an unreasonably strong grip around his bicep.

“Tartaglia,” he pleads, “please.”

Childe snatches his arm back and spits, “don’t call me that.”

He retreats back into his room anyway, hearing Zhongli close the door behind him. He dumps the bag back onto his bed and curses himself for not leaving a millisecond earlier.

“You’re angry with me.” Zhongli starts, face as unreadable as ever.

“The sky is blue. Snezhnaya is cold. Are we still stating the obvious here?” He’s too angry to carefully choose his words. Too hurt to slip on his pleasant facade.

“Tartaglia,” he presses, and Childe really hates how his name sounds on his tongue, “I truly am sorry for the way things had to go. It was not in my intentions to… hurt you to the degree in which you feel. I simply was upholding the end of my contract and doing what was best for my people. I implore you to believe that making you feel used was not my main objective.“

Oh god, his apology sounds so robotic.

“So you’re aware that what you did was a little fucked up.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re aware that almost the entirety of Liyue places the blame on me.”

“Yes.”

Well, shit. “Good talk, Zhongli-xiansheng. If you’ll excuse me, I must begin my trip home.”

He stomps toward the door only to be stopped once again. Archons, if Childe had any motivation left, he most certainly would challenge him to a spar. The ginger huffs, and looks to the heavens in a silent plea for patience.

“Tartaglia, please, I’m not finished-“

“Yeah, well I am.” Their eyes lock. Blue meets gold in a hostile hold, refusing to break. “The second you handed your gnosis over, my business here was done. Whatever… relationship we had is done. You were my consultant and was a Harbinger here for business. A Harbinger that you obviously used for your disposal. So now that that’s over and done with, I really need to report to Tsaritsa, lest she have my head on a silver platter-“

“I spoke with Tsaritsa already.” Zhongli cuts in, his grip tightening around Childe’s wrist. “I asked her for more time with you.”

“You what.”

“Surely you are curious about the deal I struck with Tsaritsa. The contract to end all contracts, yes?” Childe’s wild look on his face eggs him to continue, “I struck a deal that granted you more time here in Liyue. With me.”

Childe is silent for a moment. The ex-Archon opens his mouth to continue.

“And I’d like to say I’ve known you long enough to know that you seek freedom. From what that may be, I do not know. But Tsaritsa has agreed to give you a choice, at the very least, a temporary one. An extended vacation or complete retirement is a choice to be made by you.” Zhongli finishes, looking to Tartaglia with hope.

“THAT is worth your fucking gnosis?!” Zhongli’s gnosis. The entire essence of his being. The very thing that makes him divine (thought it certainly isn’t the only thing that makes the man ethereal), was traded for him.

“Yes,” Zhongli replies with such ease it makes Childe’s head spin. “Among other things, of course.” An aggressive why is lodged in the back of Childe’s throat. Why me? A million questions swirl around his head, knocking him off balance. He would have swayed on his feet had Zhongli not been there to hold him upright.

“That’s insane. You’re insane. You…” Childe lets out a tired sigh, “I don’t understand you.” And he doesn’t. Because one minute he’s a cold hearted businessman, and the next he’s at his door, reduced to a mortal, begging him to stay. Granting him freedom. Really, what kind of fucked up game is this? Why didn’t anyone tell him he was a part of it?

Zhongli smiles. He smiles. “You remember our conversation from the night before, yes?”

Childe rolls his ever-blue eyes to the back of his head. “Remind me, Zhongli-sensei,”

“I said,” the deity starts, drawing both of Childe’s calloused hands between his own, “that I struggled to connect with others. Guizhong, the Goddess of Dust, was the one to bring to my attention my emotional constipation. And like I said, she was correct.”

Childe’s anger withers.

“Unfortunately I understand naught of the depth of your feelings of betrayal,” he continues, “but I do wish to understand how deeply humans feel. And in our time together, I’ve begun to understand through you. Despite your… complexities. And I wish to continue to learn. With you.” I wish to feel human is left unsaid, and laced between his words instead.

“What are you saying,” the Harbinger asks weakly.

“Take me with you.”

“What.”

“Take me with you. Wherever you go, I will follow, if you will allow it.”

Well duh, he’d allow it. Zhongli just had to work for it a little more. He can’t just waltz in here after breaking his heart and ruining his trust, demanding his friendship and companionship or whatever, after everything he was put through-

“Okay.”

Very nice ass to mouth filter, Ajax.

Zhongli’s eyes glow impossibly brighter, “Okay?”

Childe tugs his hands back to his side. “Yes, yes, fine. Whatever. But you can’t just. You can’t just use me again in the name of experimentation.”

“Tartaglia, I would never,” he assures him vehemently, “Of the seven, I was always the one most oblivious to emotions. You may ask Barbatos if you want. But I know that what I feel for you is real and I would not trade it for the world.”

Childe’s mind reels. Barbatos? Feelings?

“‘What you feel for me?’”

Zhongli cocks his head in confusion, as if his feelings were the most obvious thing in the world. “Well, yes. And you feel the same, no? It need not be said aloud.”

“It really doesn’t,” Childe affirms, “you can save me the embarrassment.”

“Wonderful,” Zhongli’s face brightens, and it’s only then that Childe is hit with the full realization that Zhongli is free. No longer is he tied to the city and burdened with the weight of the people. No longer does he have to associate himself with the likes of the Tsaritsa. Finally, after centuries and centuries, he is allowed the pleasure to smile so brightly despite feeling pained for finally leaving his people. He is Zhongli, and no longer Rex Lapis. Morax is long gone, too. The man before him is a man reborn, and Childe’s heart aches with happiness for him.

“Okay, well,” he clears his throat when he notices he’s been quiet for too long, “it’s been a long day and I’m tired. I think I’m just gonna take a shower and turn into bed and think about the rest tomorrow. Save it for future Childe, you know?”

He pads over to his hastily packed back and zips it back open, pulling out the toiletries he aggressively shoved in less than an hour ago. He digs his fingers into his neck and sighs at the release of tension. Summoning an angry ocean god took a lot more out of him than he anticipated.

“I agree,” Zhongli says, and begins to strip. “Personally I prefer the left side of the bed.”

Childe gawks at him.

“You-!” Truly an emotionally constipated god, indeed. He sighs and his shoulders droop, the fight leaving his body. “Fine. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be out in a bit.”

“I eagerly await your return,” Zhongli comments passively as he slips under the covers, a book he didn’t even know he was carrying tucked under his arm. Childe sighs for the nth time that night and turns to close the bathroom door behind him.

Future Childe certainly has a lot to deal with in the morning.

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[maandags]

Gardenias & forget-me-nots (Lance x reader)

i keep putting Hunk in the position of wingman and thats probably me self-projecting bc i wouldnt trust anyone else to wingman me tbh

-- -- --

Summary: You own a flower shop. Lance steals your flowers. Hunk is your co-worker and Lance’s best friend: a situation in which he did NOT ask to be. It leads to some interesting conversations.

Word Count: 6K

Genre: fluff with a teensy bit of angst sprinkled in there. this is probably the fluffiest thing ive written to date 

Notes: masterlist - ask me what I’m working on next 👀👀👀👀

-- -- -- 

You threw down your pair of scissors, wiping your hands on your apron and marching up to the front of the flower shop–Forget-me-not, your pride and joy–your fists balled and scowling.

The boy at the window looked up, saw you. His own eyes widened and he gave you a crooked grin and a wink before skipping off, twirling a single pink rose between his fingers. You almost growled, leaning against the doorway and watching him go about with narrowed eyes, knowing that running after him would probably cause a scene. It wasn’t worth it. It was only a single rose.

With a last scoff, you pushed off the doorframe and picked up your scissors again, finishing wrapping up a beautiful wedding bouquet of red tulips and baby’s breath. “That’s the fourth time this week,” you shouted over your shoulder at the back room where your co-worker Hunk was tending to the flowers in the cooler. He poked his head around the door and frowned.

“Serious? And he just takes one flower?”

“A single one,” you grumbled, sitting back on your chair and crossing your arms, glaring at the tulips as if they’d personally offended you.

You probably were being dramatic. It wasn’t the first time someone had snatched a flower from the display outside, but this guy had been doing it for over a month now, and it was starting to get annoying because he never came at the same hour of day, and you never seemed to be able to catch him in the act.

“They’re all roses, too. Usually pink and white ones. He’s not even original.”

“Eh, Y/N, don’t worry too much it,” Hunk said, patting you on the head affectionately. “They’re just flowers.”

You swatted his hand away before turning back to the flowers sitting in front of you. It was a slow day, not many customers had come in yet, but there was always work to do and you intended to get it done, without distractions in the form of some guy stealing flowers from your shop close to every day. Hunk cast you a smile. “Chin up, sweetie!”

When he left for the back room again, you leaned against the desk and sighed, closing your eyes. The truth was that you weren’t exactly angry with the flower thief–you couldn’t be. You had only caught glimpses of his face, and yet you felt like you’d recognise him anywhere, even though you didn’t even know his name.

Yeah, you were in deep.

It made no sense–how could you gain a crush on someone you’d never even properly seen, let alone spoken to? Hunk would laugh at you if he knew, Pidge even more. He hadn’t ever seen the flower thief as he spent almost all his time in the back room, always just managing to miss him. You were always going off about how you wanted to catch him in the act, stop him from stealing once and for all, but that would mean he had no reason to come here again. Perhaps you’d see him again. Probably not.

You’d have to snap out of it eventually. It was just a temporary crush, right? Nothing serious, nothing that would last long enough for you to become genuinely distressed about him. That’s when you made a decision: Next time you saw him, you would go right up to him and tell him to stop stealing your flowers. With a little luck, you’d never see him again, and you’d quickly get over whatever silly crush it was that you’d gained on someone you’d never even spoken to.

You didn’t know how wrong you were.

There he was. You had been lurking by the door for the whole morning, waiting for him as a predator waits for its prey. And there he was, just a few meters away from your shop, his hands stuffed deep in the pockets of a dark blue hoodie, black headphones hanging from his neck and his hair a mess. He reached your shop. He didn’t notice you. His hand reached out towards the basket of pink roses.

You whipped open the door and grabbed hold of his wrist before he could do anything, and he yelped in surprise, eyes widening at the undoubtedly furious expression upon your face. “Stop. Stealing. My. Flowers,” you growled, narrowing your eyes at him and trying to ignore how cute the guy looked, startled as he was.

Immediately, his eyes softened and he gave a sheepish grin. “Sorry.”

You let go of his wrist, pursing your lips. “Whatever. Just–quit it.”

He saluted, crooked grin still sitting on his face, and you hated the way your stomach did a little flip. “Sir, yes, sir.” You rolled your eyes, crossing your arms and shifting your weight from one hip to another.

As he started to turn around, though, something in you felt the need to blurt out, “Who are the flowers for, anyway?”

You regretted the words as soon as they left your mouth, but the guy didn’t seem to mind. His smile turned sheepish again, and he scratched the back of his neck. “Oh. They’re–they’re for my girlfriend.”

The words were a slap to the face, and they shouldn’t have been.

He was a stranger. You didn’t know his name. You didn’t know anything about him. This was the first time you talked to him at all. Yet you couldn’t help the pang of disappointment stinging through you when the words “my girlfriend” were spoken. It made sense, too; roses were the most popular flowers gifted to a romantic partner. Pink ones and white ones especially held the meaning of pure and innocent love. You felt like facepalming: it made so much sense, why hadn’t you seen it before?

You chewed on the inside of your cheek, forcing down the blush threatening to stain your cheeks and contemplating what you were about to say next, because you were quite positive you would eventually regret it. “You know what…” you started, and you ran a hand down your face, cursing your weak heart and internally screaming, “if you–if you’re discreet, I won’t tell anyone.”

His eyes–really nice blue eyes, you noticed, and immediately cursed your eye for colour–lit up, and his grin widened. “Are you serious?”

You nodded dejectedly. “Go off. But no more than one flower, please,” you sighed in defeat. You were so disappointed in yourself. A single boy, you thought. One single boy has completely made my willpower crumble. Great.

“You are the only valid person,” he promised, eyes already wandering towards the rose buckets, and you pinched the bridge of your nose, starting back inside. “You’re the best!” the guy called after you. You gave him a tired thumbs up over your shoulder.

At lunch break, you picked listlessly at your sandwich, chin leaning on one hand. “I seriously need to work on, like, feelings,” you muttered.

Hunk didn’t even look up from his own panini. “Oh, same.” Then he frowned and set down his sandwich. “Please don’t tell me this is about the flower stealing guy.” Your silence told him enough and he leaned back in his seat. “Y/N.”

“I know, I know,” you said, rubbing your temples. “I basically encouraged him to keep stealing roses. I’m such a bad influence, I’m telling people to commit crimes–”

“Y/N!” Hunk looked absolutely baffled.

“They were for his girlfriend! How was I supposed to say no?” But even your own words sounded weak in your ears and you felt like cowering beneath a table.

“Oh my god.”

“I won’t be judged. I forbid you to judge me right now.”

“Too late for that, sweetheart.”

“Christ.” You clunked your head on the table. “I deserved to be judged, don’t I,” you said, voice muffled.

“You do.”

“Fuck.” You let yourself drip off your chair and onto the floor, where you lay on your back, staring at the ceiling. “What do I do, Hunk?”

He looked at you with something resembling pity in his eyes. “He has a girlfriend. I’d say you avoid seeing or talking to him at all costs.”

You raised a thumb from your spot on the floor. “Sounds good.”

“You don’t know this guy. You don’t know his name. That’s good, that means you can’t stalk him on social media or anything,” Hunk reasoned. He was genuinely trying to be helpful, and you appreciated that, and with as much dignity as you could muster while lying starfish on the floor of a flower shop you nodded.

“I need to detox.”

Spoiler alert: You did not detox.

Now, you thought you knew how to distinguish a simple crush from something deeper by now. You had crushes all the time, to the point where your friends were more surprised whenever you didn’t like someone than whenever you did.

But you were starting to feel like this might be something different. Almost every day you had a short conversation with the flower thief, and every time he finally went on his merry way you found yourself staring after him and smiling like an idiot, replaying his words in your head for the rest of the day.

Needless to say, Hunk was not amused.

“Is this your idea of ‘Avoiding him at all costs’?” he hissed whenever Flower Thief had left the shop one particular morning, whacking you on the back of the head. He still hadn’t seen him–he said he did not want to get involved with whatever it was that was going on between you and Flower Thief–but he always came to see you when Flower Thief left. Sometimes he’d just treat you to a disappointed glare, sometimes you’d have to listen to one of his scoldings. This particular situation was one of the latter. “Do I have to remind you that he has a girlfriend?”

You scowled, arranging some daffodils, purple dahlias, and crocuses into a purple-and-yellow bouquet, their respective meanings flashing through your mind. Positive change. New beginnings. Happiness. A beautiful message, and all of that conveyed through nothing more than a couple of blooms.

How you started learning the meanings behind flowers, you didn’t remember exactly, nor when. You just knew that you’d always been interested in the symbolism behind each flower, always keen to learn and spouting facts about every single you laid eyes on. It was a family thing, you supposed–the flower shop was still officially your dad’s, even though you were basically managing it.

“Pass me the string, will you,” you muttered, extending a hand. Hunk did so with a sigh.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

It was silent as you wrapped the bouquet, probably tying the knot a little tighter than necessary. Hunk’s gaze burned holes in the side of your head and you took a deep breath, knowing he wouldn’t let it go. “It’s harmless. We’re barely even talking, Hunk. I don’t know his name. He doesn’t know mine. It’s just…” You looked at him, suddenly very tired. His shoulders sagged slightly, and you hope he got the message. Drop it. “Let me have this. I won’t do anything stupid, I promise.”

He squeezed your hand briefly. “All right.”

– – –

Hunk opened the door to the coffee shop Lance had asked to meet, seeking out his friend among the many customers. Lance raised his hand, waving him over.

“Hey, man,” he said, plopping down on the chair opposite him and grabbing the mug of steaming tea Lance had already ordered for him. At this point in their friendship, Lance knew exactly what he needed to get Hunk, depending on his mood. Now, too, he’d done well: plain green tea. It soothed him. But their friendship went both ways, and Hunk had the feeling that green tea meant that Lance needed something from him. In just a moment, he’d be proven right. “All right. What was so urgent that it couldn’t wait until next week?”

Lance sipped his own coffee before answering. “Right. So you know how it’s Valentine’s Day in a couple of weeks, right?”

Hunk nodded, already suspecting where this was going. The flower shop already had dozens of custom Valentine’s Day pieces commissioned, and you were getting slightly anxious at the various e-mails of customers you were getting every day. He’d already proposed you stopped taking Valentine’s Day commissions, or at least set a deadline, and you’d nodded absent-mindedly. I can take a few more, you’d assured him. Don’t worry.

The truth was, Hunk did worry a little bit. He was worried that you’d overwork yourself, something that had happened before and something that would happen again. But he also knew that trying to talk you out of whatever mindset it was that you’d worked yourself into was pointless; you could get unbelievably stubborn. He found it equally endearing and frustrating. You were his friend. He’d hate to see anything happen to you.

“And you work at that flower shop, right?”

“Yeah. Get to the point.”

Lance rolled his eyes. “Okay, then. I want to surprise Nyma with a bouquet, but I want to make it myself, and I need to know which flowers mean what and which ones look good together so I don’t accidentally tell her “You’ve disappointed me” in flower,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“That’d be a shame,” Hunk said dryly, sipping his tea and wincing at the bite of his words. It was no secret that he wasn’t Nyma’s biggest fan, but he usually toned it down. For Lance’s sake. Lance was his best friend, and it wasn’t his business to judge his partners. Besides, he and Nyma had been together for a little over three years now, so they seemed to work pretty well. “No, but listen. I’ll have to ask my co-worker, Y/N, about that because they do all the real work at the shop, and they’re really good with flowers and their meanings and that kind of stuff. I’m just the heavy-lifting and delivery guy.”

Lance didn’t seem to have noticed Hunk’s small jab at Nyma. He nodded, eyes shining with anticipation and excitement. “You’d do that? Great. That’s great. You know, I’ve been giving her flowers almost every day. She likes it, she thinks it’s romantic. There’s this little florist a few blocks away, and they told me I could just grab a flower every now and then. How cool is that?”

And Hunk almost choked on his tea. “Hang on, hang on,” he wheezes, holding up a hand as he pounded himself on the chest. “That was you?”

Please, please, please don’t let it be him, Hunk prayed, but of course, it was him.

Lance frowned. “What do you mean, ‘That was’–” Then his eyes widened, and he set his cup on the table with a dull bonk. “Oh. That’s your flower shop? But I thought yours was on the other side of the alley–”

“That’s–it’s the back entrance, moron,” Hunk mumbled, setting his elbows on the table and burying his face in his hands. A thousand things ran through his mind. You had a crush on his best friend–his best friend who already was with someone. This entire situation couldn’t get any worse, he thought. “Lord, you’re the worst.”

“How come I haven’t seen you around, then?” Lance sputtered, face red.

“I work in the coolers!”

“The what?”

Hunk raised his hands in an I give up gesture. “You know what, never mind. It’s fine. I just–nothing. It’s fine. This is fine. Keep taking those flowers. Don’t tell Y/N we know each other.”

Lance frowned. “Why not? That makes no sense.”

“Just–trust me on this one, man. Not yet,” Hunk said, the gears in his mind working overtime. How was he supposed to make this work? You would freak out if you found out about the fact that Lance was his best friend. He’d have to figure something out. He needed to talk to Pidge about this. Maybe she’d know what to do. But that was something he didn’t want to think about just yet, so he clapped his hands and shook his head. “But let’s not talk about that. Let’s forget about that for a second. Nyma. Talk to me about Nyma. What are your plans for Valentine’s day? Except for the flowers, I mean,” he rambled, silently wanting to punch himself in the face.

But it seemed to work, as Lance sat up a little straighter and launched himself into a rant about all the romantic things he’d planned for Valentine’s day. He really had gone all out this year; a picknick by the lake, stargazing, chocolates, the works. But that was Lance–every year had to be more spectacular than the last.

Hunk only listened to Lance’s pondering about which berries best to buy for the picknick and their compatibility with chocolate with one ear, wondering how in the hell he’d still managed to get himself involved in this shitstorm when he’d explicitly stated that he would like absolutely no part in this.

Looked like he didn’t have a choice.

– – –

Lance had a problem.

Valentine’s day had passed. Everything had been perfect, and Nyma had loved it, and he’d loved that Nyma had loved it–and yet he didn’t really feel like he should. The butterflies in his stomach died down whenever he saw her, and she didn’t make him laugh like she used to. He started growing more easily irritated with her, the mannerisms that he’d once found endearing turning somewhat annoying.

He had a feeling that he knew what was happening, and he didn’t like it one bit.

He could have called Hunk. Probably should have–but he was stubborn, and this was something he had to figure out on his own for now. At least until he’d had a good talk with Nyma about it, and until he’d confronted himself about it.

He was falling out of love with her.

And it was confusing. He and Nyma had been together for three years, and sure, they had their differences, but overall he figured they’d done pretty well. But as he sat down, and he buried his head in his hands, and he really, really thought about it–he began to realise that he hadn’t just fallen out of love with Nyma.

It had been building up. All the little things that hurt and all the little things she’d said and all the little things she’d done, the little things that he’d dismissed and shoved away into a far part of his brain and deemed not important. The dam he’d built to keep all the memories and feelings out of the way was cracking, threatening to break at any moment. What had made him take a step back and realise that maybe, just maybe, a relationship with Nyma wasn’t what he wanted–and wasn’t what he needed?

The answer was simple, and Lance almost felt embarrassed at how quickly it popped into his mind. One word. You.

He’d met you, and gradually his whole world had been flipped upside down.

Every day he left his house to get to Nyma’s, he looked forward more to seeing you for a couple of minutes than he did to seeing his actual girlfriend. He’d started taking detours to your shop when he got home from work, just to see you once more. And the flowers he took with him reminded him of you, and he realised he didn’t even want to give them to Nyma anymore. They reminded him of you and he felt like a traitor, giving them away, even though that was the original reason why he’d started taking the flowers in the first place.

He flopped down on his bed (the one he shared with her), looked around his room (the one he shared with her)--and found that it didn't feel like home any more. A lump formed in his throat and he sighed, rubbing his temples. His fingers itched to call Hunk, his mother, anyone that could help him figure out what to do, but he knew he had to do this alone.

This wasn’t what he wanted anymore. It sucked, but it was true. And he’d have to face it one way or another.

– – –

It had been a busy Wednesday morning, and quite honestly you couldn’t really afford to leave the shop, even only for a few minutes. But when Lance walked right past your door, not even slowing his pace, you forgot about that and shouted over your shoulder at Hunk to cover for you for a minute, ignoring his slightly panicked reply, You yanked off your apron and slipped out the door, jogging after him.

“Hey,” you laughed, slightly out of breath when you caught up to him and tapping his shoulder. “You didn’t take a flower! Are you okay?” You had originally been joking, but your eyes widened when he turned and worry jolted through you.

His hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his hoodie, his hair even more of a mess than usual. His blue eyes were rimmed red and heavy bags hung beneath them. He looked like he hadn’t gotten a proper night’s sleep in weeks. You started at the sight. “Whoa. What happened to you?”

A sad smile appeared on his lips and he avoided your gaze, looking down at the ground. “I, uh–I broke up with Nyma.”

Your stomach dropped. “Oh, no.” A pause. “When?”

He rubbed at a spot on the sidewalk with the tip of his shoe. “Last month.”

“Oh.” You paused again. “I’m sorry.” And you were. He used to always get this adorable goofy smile on his face when he talked about her. Hell, Valentine’s day had just passed! There probably wasn’t a worse time to break up with someone, and seeing him like this made you sad.

But he only shrugged, his eyes fleetingly meeting yours. “It’s okay. Really.”

“Are you–are you sure? I mean, you’d been together for a good while, right?” you said cautiously, fiddling with your fingers and suppressing a shiver. It was the beginning of March, and it was a cold and gloomy day, and the air was starting to bite at your skin. The shop was always heated, for the flowers, and you cursed yourself for not taking your coat with you.

He shrugged again. “A few years. I mean, sure, it hurts, and it’ll hurt for a bit of time, but…” The look he gave you warmed your cold body right up, from the crown of your head to the very tips of your toes. “I guess we just weren’t meant to be.”

Your breath hitched in your throat. “I guess not,” you said quietly, another shiver running up your spine, but this time it wasn’t solely from the cold, and you quickly looked away, turning back towards the shop. “I should be getting back to work,” you said apologetically. You pretended not to notice the way his face fell slightly, forcing yourself not to think anything of it.

“At least let me walk you there,” he said, offering you his arm. You rolled your eyes but took it, shuffling a bit closer to him and exhaling when his body heat seeped into your very skin. The two of you walked like that for a little while when something occurred to you.

You leaned away from him a little. “You do realise we still don’t know each other’s names, right?”

He opened his mouth to say something, then promptly swallowed back his words and nodded. “You’re right. What should I call you, then?”

You snorted. “How about just Y/N?”

“All right, just Y/N.” You waited for him to give his own name, nudging his shoulder when he didn’t and he frowned down at you. You raised your eyebrows in a Well? gesture. “Oh, right,” he said breezily. “It’s Lance.”

Lance. The name sent butterflies fluttering around in your stomach. “Nice name.”

He smiled the smile you’d grown so fond of. “You, too.”

You had arrived in front of the shop, and Lance let go of your arm. “Well…” he started, hesitant, as if he wasn’t exactly sure, “until next time?”

You felt yourself nod, but as he turned away, you blurted, “Hang on.” You plucked a gardenia from a bucket that sat just inside the shop and twisted it between your fingers before handing it to Lance. “Here.”

Did you imagine it, or did his cheeks flush? You blamed it on the cold. Your own face would be red from the biting wind too, by now. He reached for the flower with a small smile on his lips. “Thanks. To what do I owe the honour?”

You shrugged. “It’d just be weird to see you leave without one.”

His smile widened ever so slightly. “See you around, Y/N.”

Cursing your thumping heart, you quietly replied, “Bye.”

You were still stood in front of the shop entrance long after Lance had disappeared from view. Then a voice rang out behind you and you jumped three feet in the air. “Yo, that was smooth as fuck.”

“Hunk,” you hissed, and you folded your arms in a weak attempt to cover up your embarrassing stunt, feeling your face heat up–and this time it had nothing to do with the cold. “Asshole.”

“I’m serious,” he said airily, casually sweeping the floor and tapping your ankles to get you to step aside. You did, albeit with a huff. “You guys are looking like you’re seriously hitting it off. His girlfriend better watch out.”

You pulled a face. “They broke up.”

Surprise flashed in Hunk’s eyes, which in turn surprised you. He even stopped sweeping. “Did they now?” He narrowed his eyes. “When? Why?”

You put up your hands. “Last month? I don’t know, man. He didn’t exactly go into detail.”

Hunk shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “The son of a bitch,” he muttered under his breath.

“What?” you said, defensive.

Hunk seemed to realise he’d been talking out loud and he quickly changed the subject. “What flower did you give him, anyway? Not one of those big peonies, right. Those are so expensive–”

“No, I gave him a gardenia, dickhead.” Then, in full you-style, the meaning of the flower dawned on you and you brought a hand up to your face, staring at him in horror. “Oh, fuck. I gave him a gardenia.”

You didn’t know how well-known the meaning behind the gardenia flower was, but it sure was enough to have a sickly feeling rise in your throat. Gardenias were pretty, quite big and stark white. Popular in wedding bouquets, often associated with purity and whatnot. But you were thinking of the specific meaning a single gardenia carried when gifted to someone. A secret love. Your flower–obsessed subconscious had guided your hand to the very bloom that could ruin everything.

Hunk’s eyes widened a fraction after, and you saw he had figured it out too. “Okay, let’s not panic, all right? He probably won’t know what it means. Had you given him a rose, then it would have been a bit more difficult to explain, but the gardenia thing’s not very widely known, right?” You shook your head, heart thumping. “Well, then,” he said, satisfied, picking up his broom. “Problem solved. Trust me, when it comes to romance, Lance is completely clueless.”

Something he said had you stiffen. “I never told you his name. And how would you know the romance thing?” Your eyes widened. “Oh, lord. You knew all this time. You know him.”

Hunk froze–then he sighed, long and pained. “I do. He’s my best friend, to be precise.”

Your hands dropped to your sides. “You have got to be kidding me.”

Before you could demand an explanation Hunk’s phone rang. He fished it out of his back pocket, glanced at the caller ID, and pulled a face. “Speak of the devil.”

“That’s him?” you squeaked, hands balling to fists.

Hunk shooed you away. “We’ll talk later, okay? But if I don’t take this call he’ll just start bombarding me with texts until I answer anyway.” You started to open your mouth, but Hunk was already retreating into the back room, and he picked up as he closed the door. “Hey, man–Lance, slow down–”

You jumped at the ringing of the doorbell and spun around, slapping a smile on your face. Customer. Work was calling. But how in the everloving-hell were you supposed to concentrate on work?

– – –

Okay, so now Lance had a serious problem.

He tried to explain everything to Hunk but tripped over his own words and even as they left his mouth he knew he didn’t make any sense.

“Okay, okay, back up, man. Breathe,” Hunk was saying–calm as ever, bless his soul–and Lance did, taking a deep breath and running a hand through his hair. Calm down, Lance. Breathe. He pondered how best to explain everything. He came up with nothing, his words suddenly failing him.

“You good?”

“Yeah,” Lance muttered, pacing the length of his room–his own room, at his parent’s house, free of anything Nyma-related. “I’m just–I didn’t expect–”

“–to fall in love with Y/N?” He said it so casually Lance almost choked on air. But he knew there was no point denying it: after all, he’d fallen in love with you long before he even realised it.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I guess.”

There was a silence, and Hunk sighed. “Lance, do you know the meaning behind the gardenia flower?”

Lance stopped pacing. “The fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“Just look it up, will you?” He sounded like he would not be taking no for an answer.

“Fine,” Lance grumbled, crashing on his bed. Turning his head, he glared at the flower you’d given him before leaving. It’d just be weird to see you leave without one. He grinned stupidly.

“Listen, I need to go. But…” Hunk hesitated. “Y/N always stays a bit longer than I do every night. To close up. Ten thirty. You might be able to catch them.”

A smile slowly crept up on his face. “All right.”

“I promised myself I’d stay out of this one, you know. I mean, Y/N gets crushes all the time–and it never works out. But this time, it’s… I don’t know. Different.” A pause. “Take that as you will. Just be careful with them, all right?”

“Christ, Hunk, are you their dad or something?” Lance laughed, but only to mask his own nerves.

He could almost hear Hunk roll his eyes over the receiver. “Bye, Lance.” Then the connection broke and Lance chucked the phone onto his bed with a sigh.

The truth was that he hadn’t felt this for anyone in a long time–maybe even ever. He didn’t know what made it so different from what he’d experienced before; maybe it was the twinge in his gut whenever he talked to you. The innocent little things he noticed about you and made his heart swell. It was pure, and sweet, and good.

He mulled Hunk’s words over in his head. Ten-thirty. Maybe he’d take a look, if he didn’t chicken out and turn around before he’d even gotten to the end of the street. He pulled his phone back to him again, suddenly remembering something else Hunk had said. Gardenia. A second later, his eyes skimmed the first site that had come up, and his heart started beating quicker with every word.

He remembered something Hunk had told him a while ago. They’re good with different flowers and their meanings and that kind of stuff. It could be a mistake, of course. But then again… you didn’t seem like the person who’d make a mistake like this. And Hunk wouldn’t have had him look up that the meaning behind a gifted gardenia is a secret love.

He could be wrong. Hunk could be wrong. But if there was even the slightest chance… how could he not try?

Lance was seriously starting to regret not taking anything other than his dark blue sweater as he walked briskly to your shop, turning corners and crossing streets almost on instinct now. His breath clouded in the cold March air, and while it had been okay in the daytime when the sun shone and provided some warmth, now it was cold and dark and clammy and he was shivering and cursing himself under his breath.

The lights were still on, illuminating the wooden panel upon which was written the name of the shop–Forget-me-not. It fit, Lance found. From his spot across the street, he could see your form hunched over the counter, scribbling on a notepad in front of you. Your hair was a mess, sticking out all over the place. You shifted your weight from one foot to the other. He smiled, and he didn’t feel so cold anymore.

You didn’t look up immediately when he gently opened the door, sending a gust of wind into the warm shop. At his right there was a bucket of gardenias, and in an impulse he grabbed one, twirling it between his fingers. You sighed, straightening with a groan.

“I’m sorry, but we’re closed–”

Your eyes widened when you saw him, and you immediately straightened completely. He tensed, trying for a smile. “Hey.” His voice came out an octave higher than usual.

“Hey,” you said, surprised. “You’ve never–it’s pretty late, you know.”

Lance winced. Had he made a mistake coming here? His fingers clenched around the stem of his gardenia. “I can go if–”

Your eyes widened. “Oh, no! No, I was just surprised, is all,” you assured him with a smile, the sparkle returning to your eyes. “Stay.”

So Lance walked up to the counter and laid down the flower. You looked at it, then at him, then back at the bloom and back at him. Your eyes narrowed. “Are you seriously returning–”

“No! No, I’m buying this one,” he said quickly, feeling his neck and ears heat up. “I kept yours.”

You had to bite back a smile, he saw. The small curl of your lips made his heart beat even faster–and yet also took a huge weight off his shoulders. “We’re closed, you know,” you muttered.

Lance paled, his nerves rocketing, but then you laughed. You chuckled behind your hand, eyes glittering, trying and failing to keep your face straight. “I can make an exception, I guess,” you said quietly, fiddling with your fingers. You looked up briefly, eyes meeting his. “For you.”

“Okay.”

But neither of you moved, and Lance felt his gaze pulled towards you as if by some magnetic force, drinking in every inch of your face. You pointedly kept your own eyes in no particular place, gaze zipping from his to your hands to the flower on the counter to the dozens of other flowers arranged around the shop. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, but Lance still broke it.

“Hunk told me to look up what they meant,” he said, gesturing at the flower.

You stiffened. “And?”

He coughed. “Well, I’m giving you this one.” There it was again, the damned flush reddening his cheeks and ears. Rubbing his neck, he said, “I like you a lot, Y/N–”

But he never had a chance to finish his sentence, because you stood on your tippy toes and grabbed the collar of his hood, yanking him towards you and crashing his lips to yours. He hummed in surprise, but soon completely melted into your touch, his own hand tentatively coming up to cup your cheek while supporting himself on the counter with the other one.

His hip dug into the counter, and it was hard getting a good angle and it probably wasn’t the most comfortable place to kiss–what with the counter separating the two of you and all–but he found himself not caring at all, the hundreds of butterflies set loose in his stomach and fluttering around like crazy at the touch of your lips on his.

The kiss was short and sweet and all too soon you pulled away, leaving his heart beating a thousand miles an hour and your taste on his lips. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to form coherent sentences for at least a week. You giggled, quickly retreating your hands and skirting out from behind the counter, halting beside him and pressing a hesitant peck to his cheek. Lance grinned, covering his face with one hand to hide his blush–though he knew it was silly.

Your fingers ghosted over his. Hesitant. Curious. It sent electricity up his arm and a shiver up his spine, but he liked it.

“Help me close up?”

[reigensarataka]

Have you ever made a fic rec list you could link me to?? If not what are ur fave fics???

what’s are ur fave klance fics overall?

do you have some nice fluffy klance fic recommendations? pls i need sustenance

ive been putting this off for so long now bcs i never save/bookmark the fics i read nd i can never remember the titles BUT i managed to dig some of them up so!!!!!!! under the cut bcs its kinda long wuwhwuhw

Cut to the Feeling by usernicole

“Let’s do it again,” Keith says breathlessly. “Here and on every planet we come across. Let’s get married on every planet we can.”“Are you joking?” Lance asks, incredulous. “You really want to get married to me on every planet we land on?”“Yes,” Keith says, voice high pitched and shaky with residual adrenaline. “Yes. Every planet. If it feels like this every time, let’s get married ten, twenty, a hundred times.”

 “Let’s break records. I want the universe to see us and be jealous.”

Or: Five times Keith and Lance get married, and one time they don’t.

my good bitch. my dude. if u havent read this then PLEASE do urself a favor nd read it asap…. like i shit u not this is probs my all time fave and its just them getting married on every planet nd. its just. idk just rly gives u that warm feeling in ur heart u know……

call me, beep me by orphan_account

(00:31) Do you think she gave me the wrong number on purpose?(00:31) Or was it a genuine mistake?(00:32) Like maybe she writes funny and I misread it?(00:32) Some of the numbers do look a little dodgy…(00:33) Cause, you know, her threes could very easily be poorly formed eights? And maybe she writes her sevens like her ones?(00:45) What(00:46) The(00:46) Fuck???(00:47) Oh good, you are awake!

where lance messages the wrong number and things kind of snowball from there

a classic from the early fandom days, rly popular so yall probs read it already but text fic nd just. yah its cute…..

A Light In The Dark by usernicole

Far away from his friends at the castle, Keith’s only way of communicating with them is a battered old phone. This is maybe going to be harder than he thought.

A long-distance, friends-to-lovers fic, set during season four.

u might not know of this but i am one huge slut for these kind of fics nd all i gtta say is this shit rly changed my goddamn life (i think there r two parts but im not sure if i read the second one so!!)

blue notes by mothpoem

This laughter, here and now, is hushed, and soft as rain, and Lance can feel it against his face, in warm puffs of air. It’s a laugh reminiscent of a furtive secret, like something only Lance is allowed to see. He watches it run its course in the near-pitch black of the observatory, with starlight gleaming weakly against Keith’s pale face, and that’s right about when Lance’s heart gives a few foreboding throbs, heavy on the bass, as if to say, they’re here (they being romantic feelings for Keith Kogane, Lance’s former mortal enemy and current friend).

Oh, he thinks to himself, with sudden and startling clarity. I’m Fucked, capital F.

its not finished nd i havent even read chap 2 yet but its a rly good take on lances pov from all the moments from s1 (also the garrison *eye emoji*) with keith nd. yeah.. its good……

and we dream of home by mothpoem

“Then come see me,” Lance murmurs, and it makes Keith’s heart pound behind his breastbone. “Us, I mean. Once a week or something? Like mental health check-ins. We can just hang out, or…or go on low-priority, low-stress missions? Scouting, or flower-picking for Coran, or supply runs. Dumb stuff. Just…so we know how you are. I don’t want…I mean, we all miss you. And I don’t want to sound presumptuous, but…it feels like you’re not…not okay, Keith.”

Well, Keith thinks, a little weakly. He never really stood a chance, did he?

“Okay,” he says, right away. No fight. No refusal.

His life is a hell of a lot easier when he lets himself cave under all the ways he wants Lance’s luminous attention, and company, and friendship. All the ways he wants Lance, full stop.

another one of those fics set during s4……… once again nothing to add just. please read it…… i loved this…….. sm………………

Moonset Deep by MilkTeaMiku

  All his life he’d been told to make sure he was never seen – it was what all the children were taught from the moment they were born. Never let a human see you, never fall in love with a human, and most importantly, never kiss one.

For Lance, humans were a mystery. He’d lived beneath the surface of the ocean with his shoal his entire life, and had intended to remain there. He knew the danger humans posed to his kind, and what would happen if he came close to one. That’s why, when he found one drowning, his first instinct was to save him.

He’d never been good at following the rules anyway.

mer au!! i started reading this a rly long time ago and im on chap 27 i think…. but this ones good…….

can we burn it slow by saltylances/stereostars on tumblr

“Sweet dreams, pilot.” A wink. “Make sure not to drool over me too much.”

Keith thrusts his middle finger over his shoulder as he steps out of the room, but he can’t hold back the smile that kicks up the side of his mouth. When he dares a look back, just before the doors are about to slide shut, he sees Lance kiss his fingertips and blow air over his palms at Keith.

It makes Keith wonder if it’s possible to fall any harder.

In which alternating snapshots between Keith and Lance lead to their eventual relationship.

WUH i love anything saaj writes….. a masterpiece…. also please read ‘so what are you waiting for’ too………..

under your feet the dirt turns to gold by laallomri

“I like you,” Lance says in a rush.

Keith blinks.

“That is—” Lance clears his throat, shifting his weight uncomfortably. His hands are still in his pockets, his shoulders still hunched. “I like you—I like-like you. Like, in a more-than-friends-way like you.”

For a long moment Keith can only stare at him, astonishment and disbelief and cautious delight warring for dominance. And then, because he’s an idiot, because he spent a whole goddamn year in a goddamn shack in the middle of the goddamn desert and has no idea how to be a socially competent person, because he’s Keith, he says, “That was a lot of the word ‘like’ in one sentence.”

In which Keith has about a dozen chances at happiness, and sabotages (nearly) all of them.

yummy……….. this one rly hit the spot my dudes……… i think there r 2 parts too!!

Sweet Quiznak by CheckeredCloth

“You’re really into him,” Hunk mutters, and wow, Lance’s face is on fire.  Hunk is killing him.

“Look, read into how you like, Freud, just make sure that if I die Keith knows I totally would’ve mowed his ass like grass.  That way, I can laugh hysterically at his emotionally-constipated expression from the afterlife.”

Or: Lance is badly injured and has a few skeletons in his closet.  Or maybe just the one.

a classic…. one of the first fics i read so i dont rmmbr much but yeah……

Stormchasing by sinelanguage

This isn’t how Lance intended to spend his vacation, chasing after Keith’s premonitions. But here he is, and he’s one hundred percent blaming Keith for all the trouble they’re about to get into. Keith makes bad decision, Lance makes mistakes, and both of them are stuck together on a space pirate adventure neither of them asked for.

if im not wrong i think this is one of those handcuffed together fics… also rly cute……

we’ll make it, you and me by asexualrey

“Keith, if we make it out of this alive, I’m going to kiss you.“ 

the description gives it away….. yall know what tf goin on……..

Public Displays of Affection by VaraderoBeach

Lance held his breath. He knew, at this rate, they’d have two options: fight with what they had (which was Keith’s knife and team spirit) and hope they can skirt by with the help of the locals, or submit and become prisoners to the Galra. Neither situation was ideal. Lance looked to Keith, at his eyes and his eye lashes, the curve of his nose and the pink in his lips. He knew it was bad timing, but he really wanted to kiss Keith before whatever happened, happened.

But when Keith turned his body to face him and said, “Kiss me.” With the same amount of emotion one would say, “Hand me that stapler,” it threw Lance completely off guard.

ft that scene from the winter soldier (i think??) yeah…… good food………

something as true as this by astrolesbian

“You better fucking call me,” Lance says, and reaches out to rest a hand on his shoulder, and smiles, sad and bright all at once. “I’m not taking no for an answer on this one. Okay?”

“Okay,” Keith says.

and lastly yall shld know since this is the THIRD TIME im putting a fic like this on this list that i love this shit nd just….. yeah……….. op snapped

[spockfallsinlove]

simple harmonies

prompt from @sierra198466​: After Beyond, Spock dumps Uhura and he realizes he loves Jim. He then finds out Jim has loved him since Into Darkness. word count: 2.2k ao3 link.

Spock has never known himself to do what humans refer to as “space out”. On the contrary, he does mental exercises daily to make sure his mind remains sharp. When there is a moment that he finds his thoughts floating from the current situation, he is normally able to bring himself back to reality.

However, during the whole conversation he and Nyota have, all he can seem to truly focus on are the wind chimes that are outside the coffee house door.

His mother had them, at their house. She used to say that it was the last non-electronic object that humans had to play music for them. The wind rarely gusted enough on Vulcan to make them sing; but whenever it did, she would look out the window and have one of her mysterious smiles that Spock never quite did figure out.

Like mother, like son. It is he who is transfixed, looking out the window, unable to look away as the chimes gently bump each other in the wind.

“We should end our romantic involvement with each other,” he says as Nyota takes a breath, ready to launch into the next part of her argument with him.

She stops. Blinks at him. “What did you say?”

The wind picks up again, knocking the littlest chime into the largest. A melodically odd tone results. “We should end our romantic relationship,” he repeats.

Nyota, for the first time since he’s known her, is speechless.

“Do you think that if we flew far enough in space, we could find the end of time?” Jim asks. He’s propped against the railing, staring out into the San Francisco bay.

Spock stops his vegetable gyro’s trajectory toward his mouth (it’s from a food truck that Jim insisted on them eating at; “the best in the galaxy” were his words). He frowns at his friend. “Modern physics suggests that a concept such as the ‘end of time’ is—”

Jim waves his hand, cutting Spock off. “I don’t want the science crap, any theorized evidence. What do you think?”

“Why do you wish to find the end of time?”

Jim shrugs. His hair is being lightly brushed by the wind and there’s a melancholic smile on his face that Spock cannot understand.  “If you can find the end, maybe you can trace it back. To where you want to go.”

Spock takes a thoughtful bite of his dinner and swallows before saying, “Even the ocean has an end. Technically.”

“It does, Spock,” Jim says, looking as if he’s seeing Spock for the first time, “it sure does.”

An hour after Spock leaves Nyota at the coffee shop, he receives an angry call from Doctor McCoy. He lets his phone ring itself to voicemail. The message is about as emotional as he expected.

“Listen you crazy hobgoblin—Nyota just told us what the hell you did. Just breaking up with her like that, no explanation, then walking out? Where the hell do you get off? You better believe that I’m going to kick that green ass of yours into the sky, and make sure you don’t get on the ship for that 5-year-mission—”

Spock deletes the message.

He stops at a crosswalk. People jostle his shoulder as they walk by. As is typical in the crowded streets of San Francisco, he feels fleeting snatches of their emotions and thoughts as they touch him: grocery lists running through people’s heads, worrying about who will pick up the kids at daycare, annoyance at how hot and sticky it is for a day in December.

Spock remains standing there. Staring into space, once again. The sound of windchimes stuck in his ears.

Spock tries to forget the day Jim got injured and almost died in his arms.

Peace talks with the people indigenous to Echo IV had not gone as expected. After refusing relations with the Federation, things had become tense. Jim, trying to calm down the situation, had gotten caught in the crossfire.

Spock’s hands were uncharacteristically shaking when he tore Jim’s shirt open to apply medical attention. McCoy was on the ship, since there was no anticipated danger at this meeting. Around the corner, the security team tried to manage the situation. Any requests for beam-ups were greeted with static.

“Spock.” Jim’s hand, stained with blood, caught Spock’s. “Leave it, find a way to get to the ship, just—”

“Cease talking.” Spock applied pressure to Jim’s wound. His mind was spinning. He could feel Jim’s agony through his skin.

“Get to the ship. Just be safe,” Jim choked out as he slipped from consciousness.

Spock tried to hail the Enterprise countless times. He helplessly watched as Jim’s face grew paler. Most of the security team had died, and Spock knew that soon it’d be him and Jim left. That Jim would die, either by someone else’s weapon or from his own wounds.

And all Spock could do is watch.

By the time the ship was finally hailed, and they were finally beamed aboard, McCoy had to stick a hypo into Spock’s neck to stop his body’s shaking.

It took five crew members to pull him off the unconscious captain.

It was standing over Jim’s sickbed, with Jim patched up and well and sipping water from a straw, that he finally relaxed. Breathed. He didn’t listen to the words that Jim said. He only watched his face, alive with emotions, and his lungs, expanding with breath.

It takes the whole afternoon before Nyota finally answers her comm. Spock is walking on the Starfleet Academy campus, which is empty due to the holidays, when his pocket buzzes.

“I wish to say I’m sorry,” Spock says, in a rush, before she can hang up.

She sighs angrily on the line. “I knew you weren’t a smooth talker, Spock, but, this... this takes the fucking cake.”

“I realize that I was … too forward.”

“Too forward?” she yells. “You didn’t even give me warning! One minute we’re arguing about me spending time on Vulcan with you, the next you’re dumping me in broad daylight! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I do not know.”

“Well…” She sighs again. “It’s not like I didn’t see it coming. But the way you did it, it just—” There’s a silence. “I’m pissed at you, Spock. And I will be for a long time. Don’t call me again, okay?”

“Underst—” The comm link cuts out. He pockets the device, and stands by a large oak tree.

A cadet walks by in his uniform and shouldering a backpack. He looks surprised that someone else is on campus before giving Spock a wry, understanding smile.

“What was your mother like?”

Jim is lying on the floor of Spock’s living room apartment, wine glass clutched in his hand. He stares up at Spock innocently.

“Why are you asking such a question?” is Spock’s reply.

“Tell me about your mom, and I’ll tell you about my dad.”

“You never knew your father.”

Jim lets loose a laugh. “Low blow, Spock. I know enough, okay? Now, tell me.” He sits up, legs crossed. “Just one thing.”

Spock doesn’t think about his mother often. It threatens his control.

But it’s Jim who’s asking.

“She loved nature,” Spock says. “She always tended faithfully to a garden in the backyard, and would cry if a plant died.”

“A happy thing about her, Spock.”

“I did not know these facts had to be so specific in nature.”

Jim raises his eyebrows, stares at Spock expectantly. Spock relents. “Very well, she... “ He pauses. “I never understood her. She seemed to have many secrets.”

Jim rolls his eyes to the ceiling. “I’ll never get anything out of you, will I?”

“Perhaps give me an example of what your father was like, so that I may see what you mean.”

Jim grins. “All right. Mom said that he used to sing to her all the time. He was really good at it.”

“You did not inherit this talent,” Spock observes.

“What? I’m awesome!”

“I have heard you in our adjoining bathroom on the ship.”

Jim laughs, a full-bodied one where his head is tilted back and his golden hair catches the light of the setting sun. “You’re such a jerk, you know that?”

Spock lets a small smile tug his lips.

Jim’s laughter dies down, and he takes a sip of wine. In the silence, Spock offers, “My mother loved music. Her favorite object in the house was the wind chimes that hung just outside our kitchen window.”

There’s a sad way about Jim’s eyes when he says, “I wish I could have met her.”

Spock feels something fissure his heart. “As do I.”

On his birthday a few weeks later, Jim showed up at his apartment with a small, blue windchime. Spock stared at it for approximately 9.78 seconds before accepting the gift.

Spock finds a bench to sit on the harbor boardwalk. The sun is dipping low in the horizon, making the ocean seem to glow.

He does not want to return home, just yet.

Since the coffee shop, his mind has been restless. Unordered. Jumping between memories and realities as if he were a living television set.

He remembers the last time he was on this boardwalk. The image of Jim is in his mind, face happy and open, eyes discerning the sea in front of him. Spock has no doubt that he could take the world by storm if he wished; the galaxy included.

Jim could have anything if he set his mind to it. Could have anyone. It’s illogical; if these are the facts, then what does Jim need with an awkwardly socialized half-Vulcan?

Spock frowns at his shoes. The idea of Jim not needing him… is frightening. When Spock himself needs Jim so.

Spock’s gaze snaps to the ocean. The pieces in his mind burst together in a colorful, clarifying light.

Jim is at his apartment door when Spock returns, sitting against the door. He quickly scrambles to his feet when he sees Spock.

“Where the hell were you?” Jim asks angrily. “I’ve been calling and looking everywhere!”

“I have just been to your apartment,” Spock explains, unsteadily. “You were not there.”

“Because I’ve been waiting for you, you idiot! I’ve gotten hundreds of messages from Bones, Uhura, even Chekov has heard about it and is upset—”

“I regret worrying you,” Spock supplies, lamely, as he takes out his keys. He walks into his living room as Jim follows him through the door.

“What, you just break Uhura’s heart and then take off? And don’t even tell anyone where you were? You’ve been M.I.A all day!”

Spock places his keys on the coffee table. “I am aware.”

Jim puts both hands on his hips, glaring at him. “So, what, no explanation? You’re just gonna stand there?”

“I was attempting to find you. I need to—”

“Then why didn’t you call me? Why did I have to—”

“I am in love with you.”

Jim stares at him. His mouth remains slack, his eyes wide. “What did you just say?”

“It’s why I was attempting to find you.” Spock sits on his couch, hands on his knees to stop them from shaking. “I have come to this realization 3.57 hours ago. I regret not realizing and telling you sooner. And I regret not knowing this as I was ending my relationship with Uhura. But I assure you, I will give her an explanation.”

Jim stares at him. “You’re kidding me.”

“I assure you, I am not.”

“How can you just—sit there and deliver that news like it’s the fucking weather?���

“It is a fact. I thought it best for you to know.”

Jim puts a hand on his forehead, shaking his head. “Uhura’s gonna kill me.”

“I understand that the likelihood of you reciprocating my feelings is 5.456%,” Spock says, almost too quickly, “due to the fact that you have not shown amorous feelings for me in the past. I understand if you were to open my position to applicants, as working with me may now seem impossible. If you were to—”

“Spock.” Jim walks to the couch and stands close enough so that their knees touch. He stares down at him. “Shut up.”

Spock obeys. Jim kneels down to Spock’s eye level.

“Do you remember when I died?”

Spock goes tense. “I do not see what that has to do with—”

“Spock. Just answer the question.”

“Of course I remember. It is a stupid question.”

Jim closes his eyes in frustration. “God, you’re making this difficult.” He takes a breath and opens his eyes. “When I died, I couldn’t really get words out. And there was that… damn glass between us. So I couldn’t tell you what was really in my head.”

“Tell me what?”

Spock’s breath hitches when Jim is suddenly taking his hand, holding it between his. “I’ve loved you for years, you stupid Vulcan.”

Spock’s heart feels to have stopped. He takes time to illogically memorize the moment; the shadows casting on Jim’s face, the complete stillness in his normally animated expression. But only a moment, because Spock cannot stay still any longer and is framing Jim’s face with his hands, bringing him forward in a very human, very emotional kiss.

“Finally,” Jim breathes on Spock’s lips between kisses, moving to bracket Spock’s legs with his. They fit together flawlessly; effortlessly. As if the small moments between them were meant to lead to this.

In the distance, on the flight of the wind, Spock can hear the chimes.

[femmeveined-a]

📱 rachel & vic oof

📱( Accepting! )

RACHEL

May 7th, 2010

Rachel sprawled out on her bed, the night’s events turning over in her head as the sun rose over the trees. The concert had been the first time she and Chloe had really gotten close since they called a truce on their dislike of each other. Chloe already knew more about her than the kids at Blackwell, who only knew Rachel as whoever Rachel wanted them to think she was. Running into Chloe at the Old Mill had been completely out of Rachel’s control, and she couldn’t decide if she loved it or hated it. Groping at her sheets for a minute, her fingers grasped her phone, and she looked out the window as she tried to figure out what to say.

4:26 AM: i’m so amped up from last night i can’t sleep. would‘ve hella sucked without you, glad you decided i was cool enough to hang with, finally.

She weighed her options, mouth screwing up into a pucker. She’d flirted with Chloe all night, even over text after they’d parted ways. But she had to mix it up, keep it interesting. Deleting the text in seconds, she opened Instagram, posting the best picture she could find from the previous night, with the caption, “Firewalk with me ;)”

July 24th, 2011

Rachel jumped a mile when her phone vibrated, earning a sidelong glance from Frank. “Is that Chloe? Rachel, she has to know by now. Where did you even tell her you were going today?”

Rachel swiveled the driver’s side chair and jumped up to put Pompidou on his leash. “I told her I was in Seaside. Which we are. I just… Didn’t mention we were taking your RV. Or that ‘we’ involved you. I even sent her a postcard, I thought she’d chill, but–”

“Chill? Chloe Price?”

“Frankie, stop.” Rachel laughed, rolling her eyes. “She’s not… Okay, she’s a little much. But you have to love her.”

“No I do not.” Frank looked downright offended at the suggestion, and Rachel sighed, raking her fingers through her hair.

“Fine. I do. And I know she won’t like it, and it’ll just start bullshit drama. Not really our style. And I like our style.” Rachel leveled her gaze at him, the way she knew could get her her way any time she wanted.

Frank held her gaze for a long minute, before tossing her her phone. “Just text her. Tell her you’re okay. She goes nuts when she doesn’t hear from you, y’know.”

Rachel considered it for a minute, telling Chloe everything. About Frank, about how she’s really in love, and how happy she is. Holding Pompidou’s leash between her knees, she types it out, just to see it in writing.

1:56 PM: hey babe. i’m in seaside, remember? buuuuuut… i didn’t tell you who with. it’s frank. y’know. that frank. we’ve been hanging out for a while, and uh… now we’re kind of hooking up. and i think he loves me. and i think i love him. maybe. idk. but i love you too. and idk what to do. it’s scary but i don’t wanna lose you, or him. not as friends, or… anything else.

Rachel only realized she was gritting her teeth when the headache started, and she pressed delete, holding it down for a solid minute after the words vanished. Like hell am I ruining today like this. 

March 8th, 2012

Rachel had never felt grosser. She’d known David was a creep from the start, but when she’d caught him tailing her in his shitty car, taking her picture by Frank’s, and on campus, she went into damage control mode. Cut Frank off by starting a fight and leaving him a letter goodbye, and distanced herself from the Vortex Club and Nathan. There was only one link left to get David off her back.

Chloe.

Her fingers shook slightly as she typed out the text, a lump in her throat.

9:17 PM: hey. sorry it’s been a few days of silence. needed space, y’know? but i need more. a lot more. i have school stuff to work on since the semester’s almost over, so things will be hella crazy for me and i just won’t have time for a social life. we should-

Her typing stopped as a new message popped up from Chloe, as if she’d known what was happening.

9:17 PM: holy shit dude, v just told me stepdick is stalking you. that SUCKS. he’s such an asshole. i can get him off your back. cause mischief, you know, my usual. just say the word.

Rachel smiled softly, her chest feeling a little lighter, as she deleted her previous message in the making.

January 16th, 2013

For nearly the last year, Chloe and Rachel had been closer than ever, even more so than before her secret relationship with Frank put a rift between them. Initially, when Mark Jefferson had been chosen to teach at Arcadia Bay, Rachel had only thought of her future. Sure, she had some professional shots in her modeling portfolio, but Mark was a known, celebrated photographer. She’d been subtle at the start, a stark contrast from the fan girls that drooled over him and whined for his attention. Asking him for advice on her portfolio or assignments for class, casually asking if he could maybe do a small shoot for her.

It was almost too easy for that to blur into what it was now, sneaking back to the dorms after a scandalous hookup in his office that had become their routine. She fished her phone from her bag to read the long list of texts Chloe had sent her over the last two hours, chuckling and shaking her head. She’d tried to write it all out, to tell Chloe about him. But it never felt like the right time. And Chloe would lose her shit anyways, no matter when she told her.

6:23 PM: hey blue. i’m fine, sorry i went quiet. i was kinnnnnnd of with someone. but i need to tell you in person. bc it’s sort of… taboo. like, hella taboo. pick me up and we can-

A hand on her shoulder elicited a horror movie scream that echoed off the brick walls lining the sidewalk. Beside her, Nathan jumped back like he’s been shocked, hands raised in defense. “Shit! Sorry, Rach! I just, I just saw you come out of the main building and I just…”

His words trailed off as he looked at something behind her, and Rachel followed his gaze, neck craning to look without turning. Mark was half-jogging down the stairs, briefcase in hand. He gave her and Nathan a curt nod before heading to his car, and Rachel turned back to Nathan, who’s expression had visibly darkened. “Uh, you good, Nate? He give you a shit grade or something?”

“Or… Something.”

April 21st, 2013

Something was very, very wrong. Sure, Rachel had taken some shit, and drank a little. But she could hold her own. A little weed and molly didn’t leave her stumbling like Bambi learning to walk, head spinning, and her stomach lurching. The flashing lights of the party stung her eyes and made her head throb, like she had the worst hangover in the world. Victoria had seen her, mocking her for not being able to hang. She vowed to never drink again if she survived this. Chloe was here somewhere, but Rachel just needed out, now. She pushed open the doors, deeply inhaling the cool evening air. Pulling out her phone, she tried in vain to type, but everything came out jumbled and nonsensical.

The door opened behind her, Mark stepping out onto the sidewalk next to her. “Rachel, are you alright? Let me get you back to your dorm.”

By that point her vision was blurring and darkening at the edges, so she just nodded.

Next thing she knew, she woke up in the dark, feeling like she was flying. After a minute, looking around with each movement taking all her strength, she realized she was in Mark’s car, laying across the back seat. Realizing her phone was still clutched in her hand, she typed out a single text to Chloe, the car coming to a stop as she finished writing it.

1:29 AM: somethings wrong. scared. mark took me. idk where i am. help.

Mark opened the door, Rachel letting out a low groan as he dragged her from the car and letting her drop outside the car as he picked up her phone, watching the text try to send, until the words flashed across the screen.

MESSAGE SEND FAILURE. RETRY?

October 13th, 2013

Rachel had been in the hospital for three days, and only really conscious for two of them. Hooked up to an IV giving her nutrients to try and supply everything she’d missed over the last six months as well as water. They’d recovered her phone in the bunker, giving it back only after they’d gotten all evidence off of it. That pissed Rachel off, but she didn’t have a leg to stand on since her own naivete and secrecy had gotten her kidnapped in the first place. After everything, all the shit she’d hid from Chloe, Chloe had found her. Saved her. And Rachel couldn’t bring herself to talk to her.

Tongue bitten between her teeth, Rachel frowned at her phone for over a minute before hurriedly opening it and getting to Chloe’s messages. She’d seen all the calls Chloe had made to her before, when she was tied up and left to die. But none since, because she was a hundred feet away, in the waiting room.

1:56 PM: hey life saver. come say hi. i owe you a thanks. and like, so much more.

VICTORIA

March 7th, 2010

Why the fuck did I call her Kari? This was the thought swirling around Victoria’s head as she sat in her Chemistry class. She was replaying the scene over and over in her head. She’d asked, specifically, what Chloe’s name was on the picture of them at that concert. But instead of, “Hey, Chloe, cool concert?” she’d gone on some ego-maniac spiel about her dumb photography award, and called her Kari. Victoria was cringing so hard she thought she might combust.

Sneaking her phone from her bag to her lap, she typed out a quick, hopefully casual message.

9:56 AM: thnx for the chem help. maybe u could tutor? i can pay.

But then, from behind her, the teacher’s voice rang out shrill and angry. “Ms. Chase, what is the meaning of this?”

Dread and understanding filled her, and she deleted the message, typing out an angry, belligerent message in its place. Fuck Chloe, this is what happens when you ask for help.

January 1st, 2011

The night previous had been unexpected, to say the least. Chloe wasn’t exactly in Victoria’s social circle, and hadn’t been at Blackwell for over a year, so their only connection was the rare times Rachel forced them together to hang out with her. They tolerated each other, even occasionally laughed at each other’s jokes. But last night had been different.

Rachel had completely bailed from the Vortex party, leaving Chloe to mope in the corner, nursing her red solo cup clutched a little too aggressively to be casual.

Pathetic.

Just to get Chloe out of there, to avoid souring the mood of the whole party, Victoria had taken her out to stairs and offered her a cigarette, forgetting herself as she lit it by leaning in close with her own. Brown eyes meeting blue and illuminated by the burning ends of their cigarettes, they held the gaze for what could only be a moment before pulling back and laughing it off. What followed had been nearly an hour of honestly talking, ranging from Rachel being a bitch for ditching Chloe, to the Vortex Club, to life at Blackwell. Small talk, sure, but it was easier to talk to Chloe than Victoria could have ever expected. When it became clear Rachel wasn’t making a reappearance any time soon, Victoria walked Chloe back to her truck after double and triple checking she wasn’t too fucked up to drive.

Now, in the harsh lights of the bathroom as she double-checked her make up, Victoria looked down at her phone, even picking it up and typing out a message.

7:50 AM: it’s v. hope you didn’t die last night, from alcohol poisoning or otherwise. last night wasn’t terrible, quelle suprise. guess we’re not totally at a loss if rach keeps bailing.

Just then, Taylor and Courtney entered, Taylor immediately checking herself in the mirror, and Courtney handing Victoria her morning coffee. Forgetting the text, Victoria shut off her phone, and accepted the coffee.

March 11th, 2012

Despite the odds, Victoria and Chloe had gone from tolerating each other to something… Different. Rachel’s presence was no longer a prerequisite for them to hang out together, though they insisted on keeping it secret regardless. Their drunk talks outside Vortex Club parties had turned into dizzying, intense hookups in Chloe’s car, or the bathroom, or wherever else they could get before they tore each other’s clothes off.

And still, Victoria couldn’t bring herself to just be nice to her. She was well aware it was Chloe’s birthday, it was all over her Facebook and Rachel’s instagram, that they had “big plans” for the big 1-8.

Plans that did not include Victoria.

Poring over her homework, textbooks covering her entire desk, Victoria’s head jerked up when she heard the now familiar revving of Chloe’s hideous truck. For a second, she thought Chloe had changed her mind. Chosen to hang out with Victoria instead of Rachel, not just hung out with her because she was the next best option. Her heart jumped, and she picked up her phone to text the birthday girl.

10:25 AM: since it’s your birthday we’ll drop the pretense. give me five minutes-

But her heart dropped back down just as quickly with the all too familiar sound of the dorm door banging opening, where from her window she could see a streak of blonde hair and flannel running to Chloe’s truck.

Oh.

Silently, Victoria sank back into her desk chair, swallowing hard as she tried to focus on her work instead of the annoying, dull ache now sitting squarely in the middle of her chest.

August 7th, 2013

Rachel had been missing for three months and sixteen days. And Victoria had stopped answering Chloe’s texts a month ago. But she was beginning to crack. The texts from Chloe ranged from poorly faked nonchalance (’hey vic, whats up, i’m at blackwell let’s chill’) to accusatory (’you always hated rach, you wanted her gone, fuck you!’). So Victoria ignored them. But she was scared, just like Chloe. And sad. And news of the disappearance was harder to get ahold of when she wasn’t in Arcadia Bay, stuck home in Seattle until the beginning of the school. Skimming over the unanswered texts, Victoria bit her lip and started to type something out.

3:05 PM: any news? hope ur having a nice summer. other than the obvi.

But a knock at her bedroom door, and Danielle, the family’s cleaning lady, poking head in distracted her from the ache, if only for a minute. She threw her phone into the middle of her bed and walked out, giving a rare, sweet smile to Danielle, and flounced out of the room, pushing all thoughts of Rachel, Chloe, and Arcadia Bay from her mind.

October 4th, 2013

Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

Even in Victoria’s alcohol and coke fueled buzz, she knew what she’d seen. Nathan had been shadowing Kate all night, after being the one to invite her, and then slipped something in her drink, which he was now handing off to her. Victoria felt icy, like all circulation in her body had stopped. The pounding bass felt otherworldly with the music muffled by her panic. In her mind, two dots struggled to connect, separated by months and what, at the moment, had seemed like absolutely nothing. But when Kate started stumbling, her dark blonde hair lit up by the flashing lights, deja vu hit Victoria like a truck.

Rachel had been drugged before she disappeared. It all made sense now. Why she was so out of it, and why she’d left so fast. Chloe was the first person Victoria thought of, and she fumbled to pull her phone out.

11:38 PM: chloe it’s vic call me ASAP i think i have a clue to what happened-

Courtney and Taylor, who until now had been watching Kate, mesmerized and horrified, looked over at Victoria for instruction. Victoria opened her mouth, unsure what was about to come out. Before she could speak. Courtney laughed and grabbed her phone. “Holy shit, Saint Kate is going Girls Gone Wild. We’re so posting this.”

November 24th, 2013

The month and some change since the End of the World Party had been bizarre. Victoria had lost nearly everything, from her Everyday Heroes win, to her friends, to the Vortex Club leadership position. But Max had approached her like it was nothing, and sat with her when no one else would, and brought her assignments when she couldn’t bear to leave her room. An extension of Max’s friendship was being reunited with Chloe, whom she hadn’t spoken to in four months.

It wasn’t easy, trying to piece together a genuine friendship after how quickly Victoria had dropped Chloe, and Chloe had accused her of being involved in their still-missing friend’s disappearance. But somehow, they did it. When Max headed off to Seattle for Thanksgiving break, and VIctoria’s family let her know she wouldn’t be welcome at the family gathering after her “disgrace”, Chloe was the first person she turned to.

11:40 AM: sorry for the late notice, but… any chance you’ve got a spare seat at your table? kinnnnnnnd of disinvited from thanksgiving, with nowhere to go.

Twelve long minutes later, her phone vibrated in her hand.

11:52 AM: v, i think if i turned you away my mom would disinvite me. yes, you’re coming. bonus points if you make david feel shitty with me.

[catmeme-moved]

all of the asks! >:3

god ok 

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

😏

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

i dont think i could date anyone who does any kind of drugs,, it makes me Very uncomfortable

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

its only 4 babey

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober...ive never been drunk

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

i guess?? it was in high school so i dnt think it rly counts since yknow, i was 16

7. What does your last received text say?

“jgdijgjfdivjdjdj me“

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

not enough times !!! i love kissing my gf

9. Where was your last kiss at?

in the parkinglot behind my dorm building

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

i saw both my sisters when i was home for break a few weeks ago

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffey

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bed 

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

not rly? i think if relationships r hard then they arent rly meant to be

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

god i wouldnt have spent so much money

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

none at all ;3c

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

i guess rainy....overcast weather is my fav

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my mom ! probably lots of other people too shjkdh lee is a fairly common name i think

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

i hope so!!!

20. Does anyone like you?

god i sure hope my gf does

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nop

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

ya thats why i kissed them ghksdjs

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

no one that i know personally.. there r some like celebrities and other famous ppl i dont like

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes i want a tattoo from a specific artist in my hometown!!!

25. In the past week have you cried?

i mean probably i dont remember though

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

a pug...i saw him in a donut shop

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

i dry off as im stepping out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

no bc jocks intimidate me

29. Do you think you’re old?

not really in the grand scheme of things.. im only 20 i still have decades ahead of me !

30. Do you like text messaging?

ya

31. What type of day are you having?

its been ok! i spent time w my roommates downtown

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

i hav my septum pierced but a nostril piercing would b nice

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold..

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

i dont rly think theres such a thing as “opposite sex” since sex is also on a spectrum like gender

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship ! flings r nice i guess but i prefer the stability and commitment of an actual relationship

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

i thnik im fairly simple..idk

37. What song are you listening to?

when he died by lemon demon

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yea of course39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

my best friemd emily40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

theyre hot and funny and very kind!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

idk maybe an hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now?

im hungry and not being held by my gf43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

its my mom so fairly well i think44. Does anyone disgust you?

men45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

no bc im already dating someone46. Are you in a good mood right now?

i feel...neutral47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my roommate !48. What color shirt are you wearing?

its blue pruple n green tie dye49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

ya my history professor told me i had to read books50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

no one is coming to mind51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

i dont hate anyone!

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

almost gave up on ever being able to pet the raccoons outside the dining hall but someday ill be able to earn their trust

53. Do you like rain?

yes!!! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

not rly ! as long as theyre safe about it ykwim55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

no i think ive told most of my crushes how i felt about them at the time 56. Do you like to cuddle?

god yes i love to hold and be held57. Are you shy?

its the social anxiety 58. Do you get along with girls?

i am a lesbian59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

we r dating !! 60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my phone and my peper spray 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

id do it for 10 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

ive been in my current one for 7 and my longest lasted 8 ! 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

yes! 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

anything my gf does is cute65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my cat yawned when she tried to meow and made a weird squeak sound

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

18 (or maybe 19 now idk), 19, 20

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

i do them myself bc i hate spending money68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

ghgdh,....neither69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

i dont have a car yet 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

neither...i dont rly like eithr of those music genres71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

im samsung bitch until i die72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

its been months. maybe years. i dont like pizza73. Do you like diet soda?    

i dont rly like any soda anymore tbh74. What color are the walls in your room?

plain white...f    75. Are you 16 or older?    

bitche im 2076. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

nop i dont even know waht its about77. Do you have a job?    

yes i work in a library !  78. What are your initials?    

ylb79. Did you ever have braces?    

no :^/80. Are you from the south?    

nope im a pnw bitch

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

something about voting82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

ya shes my best friemd83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

my mom.. fuck my dad !84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?   

i vaguely remember attending a gymnastics class when i was like 5 85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

uhh.. venom i think86. Do you smoke?    

no never !!!87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?   

flip flops. 88. Is your phone touch screen?    

god how old are these questions. who has a phone that isnt touch screen now89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

my hair is naturally curly !90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    

no91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

a pool..... rivers and lakes r scary92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

not yet93. …Had sex in a car?    

no that seems. . difficult. theres not very much room94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

im in a luvly relationship95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

sleepin96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

new years i think??97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yea its pretty nice98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

no but ik i wanted one before i got into my current relationship skdgjhj99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no but i did drink half a beer thing once and went to sleep bc i got a stomach ache100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

i dont even use facebook101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

when i was in first grade id play “family” w my friend sometimes and she’d pretend to be the dad and i was the mom so we would spoon each other bc we thot thats what sex was and i thought she actually got me pregnant bc i was 7 and didnt know anything102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

the song blind slaps103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

no its winter and i also dont go outdoors104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?    

 i hate wearing shorts

[kathrineindeed]

Simon smut 'here?'

Prompt: chair sex/wee bit of sexting Warnings: yeahhh Simon x reader __________________ You were in your apartment, it was quite late around two am you had just revived a text. You were sat in the living room. So You moved to London with your two best friends Monica and Soph. You moved into a big apartment together as you were all single at the time of moving. The apartment had a minimalist vibe with a few pieces of art and posters of bands and Polaroids all over the walls. The buzz of your phone re caught your attention and you read the text Simon ;): Hey, come over? X That simple text, has so much meaning. You and Simon have been dating a year, you met very soon after moving to London. You liked each other from the first time you saw each other to be super cliche but, you met at a party and spent the whole time getting to know each other. You instantly fell in love with his goofy personality, his piecing blue eyes, the unnatural blond of his hair and you always had a soft spot for a tall guy. So from that day on you spend almost everyday together, you lived at the sidemen house, sleep there eat there and be in all kinds of videos. You were in uni, not looking to be a YouTuber to be honest, but that didn't stop you getting involved with the guys videos. You've learnt new skills like FIFA, football and all sorts though been involved in videos. Y/N: Ummm not sure You decide to tease him a little as you always get the short end of the stick, he constantly teased you, about your height, during sex etc.. the list goes on. He replied instantly Simon: Y/Nnnnnnn I need you if you didn't realise You leave it five minutes and he sends another text but this one was longer, you open up the message Simon: Okay, Y/N I want to kiss you, it would be full of need and want, my hands would be desperate to touch you all over. I would then, kiss your neck finding your sweet spot instantly, biting and kissing that one spot that makes you so hot. Then I would move my hands to your trousers taking them off and instantly pressing my thumb to your clit making a figure eight shape, driving you crazy then when you think you couldn't take anymore I would Insert two fingers into you, curling them so they hit all the right spot to have you cumming in minutes. That text had made you so hot and bothered,you were almost to flustered to reply Y/N: Simon I'm coming over, be there in 5 x I went to see Monica and Soph before I left, I walked into Sophs room where both were. Lying on the bed chatting and looking through social media. "Heading out lads" you say "The fuck you going at this time of night?" Monica asks "Why are you so flustered?" Soph questioned "Wait! She's going to Si for a late night booty call" Monica smirked Fuck she figured me out, well Iv been caught red handed. I'm the worst lier so I have to tell them the truth. "Yes I am, won't be back so don't wait up" I say "Whoooo go girl" "Get it girl" they both shout You grab your car keys, and leave the apartment. You walk down the hall to the lift and press 'G' for the ground floor where my jeep was. I hop in and make the drive to Simons with my glasses on. The drive goes quick you play some music to make the ride more enjoyable. You finally pull up to the sidemen house and you hop out of your car and lock it. You walk up to the front door, unlock it with your spare key. You open the door quickly and relock it after you're in, you sneak your way up the stairs to Si's room. You open his door only to find him watching a video with headphones on so you decided to sneak your way up to him and you kiss his neck and he jumps in shock. "Holy shit, Y/N you scared the shit out of me!" He says breathless "oh my lord Si, you jumped feet" you giggle "Come here" he says gesturing to his lap You do as he says, putting a leg ether side of him facing him. "You look super cute in your glasses" he says You had forgotten you had them on, you never where them around him. You think there ugly. "Thank you" you replied sweetly "Mhhh, Iv missed this" he says low Instead of replying you grind you hips down on to him, rolling them at the same time. "Shit Y/N" he moans out "Christ Si, you are horny" you state "Can't help it, when my girlfriend looks like this" he says slyly cocking a brow You blush at his comments, he grabs your hips grinding them down again and the two of you meet for a kiss. Tongues fighting as soon as your lips touched his soft ones, he wins the battle and his tongue explores the familiar territory of your mouth. You hands run up his arms, and eventually finding his hair which you find yourself running your hands through touching the spiky locks, he starts to kiss your neck and instantly finds your sweet spot abusing it with kisses and bites. A moan erupts from you "Aghh" Simon smirks carrying on kissing your neck. He fiddles with the hem of your top, signalling he wants it off so you take it off and he unclasps your bra. You then remove his top, your hand instinctively go to his chest as he brings your lips to his again. His hands are in your hair, the kiss is desperate and needy, I could tell Si needed some attention. So I get off his lap and we both take our bottoms off and I kneel down in front of him and he already had semi hard on, my thumb pressing over his tip, spreading the pre cum. I slide my hand up and down his erection, various different pressures and twisting my hand sometimes. My name falling from his lips, his head falling back. "Mhhh fuck Y/N" he moans Then I take the tip of his length into my mouth and then remove it slowly, I do the same until I hear Simon moan in frustration " Y/N please no teasing I need you right now" You decide to do what he asks and you take his full length in your mouth and then proceed to bob your head up and down, pumping anything you can't fit in your mouth with your hand expertly twist you tongue around occasionally. Si's hands grip your hair as encouragement, he gives an occasional thrust into your mouth but with that he's unraveling under you. You leave him, flustered and almost at his climax you, stand to meet his gaze his hair plastered to his forehead and you give him a quick kiss, while he rolls a condom on then you climb back on to his lap, you slowly insist his length into your pussy. Once he's completely inside, he allows you time to adjust, then you start to roll you hips, bouncing up and down as moans erupts from you and Si. "Si ahhh, mhh fuck" you cry out as he stretches you out "Y/N" he grunts out He then meets your trusts, his hips bucking. You kiss his neck while his hands roam all over your body. You hands bunched in his hair, you felt so good. His trusts get harder and faster when he hits your g-spot, driving you crazy. Already feel that knot in your stomach "Si I'm going to cum" you cry out He then places a finger on your, clit pressing down hard. This triggers your orgasm. You legs start to quiver your head falls back, vision going blurry as you're sent in to waves of pleasure, you hold on to Simon for support. His thrusts get sloppy riding out your orgasm. His eyes begin to shut as he gives it a few more thrusts before his climax washes over him. "Fuck Y/N mhhh" he lets out a breathy moan You hop off the chair, putting some joggers on and his white shirt while he disposed of the condom putting some new clothes on. He sits on on the edge of his bed and you sit next to him and give him a loving kiss. You both head down stairs to grab some food. You hop on the island while Simon was getting his food. He walks over to you and stands in between your legs and you two start to make out again, his hands on your face, your copying and you moan slightly into the kiss and josh awkwardly walks in and coughs. *cough* We both quickly turn our heads, to see josh smirking. "Some would of called this a booty call Si" he teased while getting a drink You two just blushed in embarrassment. Once you got your food you head up to Si's room and ended up cuddling and falling asleep very quickly. K- I'm not sure if I like this :)

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so

[rosezone]

tag game time!

thank you for tagging me @wlweiss !!

Here Are The Rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Fool Lineup (i have no idea if this is avas own addition or if the original ask meme had fool lineup from the start. both are good): idk 20 is a lot but i’ll try ! @sheerwillpower @princess-harumaki @ghostguts @ssonoda @textsize @pekonyamas @cherrykakyo @kazooichis @kmnari @ilovekyosukemunakatathemost @softcoded @yuissamidare @fluff-princess @bullethell @starfloat @liqhtboycore @rlightlight @togami-salami @galaxy-gardener @wlwfutaba  aaand did it! no pressure to do this, tho! i just know i love getting tagged in them ^^

the last

1. drink: water ! 2. phone call: my little cousin i think or maybe kaia 3. text message: this gc with my irl friends 4. song you listened to: the poor unfortunate souls remix by china anne mcclain (dont judge, its a banger i promise) 5. time you cried: uhhh two days ago lol 6. dated someone twice: nope! 7. kissed someone and regretted it: yeah /: 8. been cheated on: yeah /: 9. lost someone special: uhh not to death but yes 10. been depressed: stares into the camera office-style 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never gotten drunk!

3 favorite colours

12. pink 13. purple 14. uhhh black? red? blue?

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yeah !! 16. fallen out of love: uhh i think so 17. laughed until you cried: yes i cry like everytime i laugh ahah 18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah /: 19. met someone who changed you: yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 20. found out who your friends are: uh ig? i think im always doin that tho 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: ok anytime this list says fb im changing it to instagram which is my irl Social Media of Choice and, no

general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all, there’s maybe like 20 out of 600 idk 23. do you have any pets: yes! 24. do you want to change your name: nah 25. what did you do for your last birthday: it was my sweet 16!!! i had a p nice party 26. what time did you wake up: like 12:30 ajogwewag

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: uhh fucking around on my computer idk 28. name something you can’t wait for: college! 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like 20 mins ago 31. what are you listening to right now: poor unfortunate souls ageawg

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah

33. something that is getting on your nerves: uhh nothing rn? my tooth hurts ig 34. most visited website: tumblr. 35. hair colour: maroon, i just dyed it !!

36. long or short hair: short but i own extensions so? 37. do you have a crush on someone: kaia, duh

38. what do you like about yourself: im very friendly!

39. piercings: three on each ear 40. blood type: idk bro

41. nickname: irl my friends call me maria to mock me ajgewjo + mai and i remember once bradi called me rose on here so that was cute!  42. relationship status: im gay

43. zodiac: taurus! 44. pronouns: she/her

45. favourite tv show: riverdale probably. im Awful. if su counts then that? 46. tattoos: nope! don’t plan on it either 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: i used to have surgeries every week when i was little bc i was Sickly but i dont remember any 50. sport: i played volleyball for like 5 years but its behind me now lol and marching band 51. vacation: uhh pakistan obvi, saudi arabia, dubai, turkey, canada, florida nd i think thats it? 52. pair of trainers: i assume this means like, sneakers so i have two pairs

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: i just ate like...rice-soup its a desi dish lol 54. drinking: nothin!

55. I’m about to: work on my online finance class uugh 56. waiting for: uhh nothing lol this is so Ominous 57. want: chocolate!!! 58. get married: yes!!!!! 59. career: Ideal Life is me being a famous person who does a lot of acting and political commentary lmao but i’d like to be a neurologist/neurosurgeon or anything else to do with medicine and possibly research! i have very broad interest lmao

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: both! 61. lips or eyes: uhh eyes 62. shorter or taller: taller?

63. older or younger: i like little people more than older ones i think 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms 65. hookup or relationship: relationship duh 66. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker!

HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: noooooooo 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: no, surprisingly ! 70. turned someone down: yeaaaah 71. sex on the first date: no 73. had your heart broken: yeah ): 74. been arrested: nope 75. cried when someone died: yeah 76. fallen for a friend: i’ve been friends w all the people ive dated 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: i try to!  78. miracles: yes! 79. love at first sight: also yes! kindaaa 80. santa claus: nah 81. kiss on the first date: yeah bro why not 82. angels: ofc!

OTHER: 84. eye color: brown 85. favorite movie: SO MANY BRO but clueless takes the top spot. honorable mentions are lemonade mouth, silence of the lambs, and legally blonde

[yourbri]

Rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Thanks to @nitanna for tagging me <3 Go follow her tumblr cause she’s the best! (and all my other friends & mutuals!)

THE LAST

1. drink: water 2. phone call: my mum, i asked her to pick me up from the station 3. text message: i sent a photo to my friend 4. song you listened to: bling bling - ikon 5. time you cried: on saturday and im not stating why cos its embarrassing 6. dated someone twice: wasnt even going to plan to get married 7. kissed someone and regretted it: hell no 8. been cheated on: single pringle 9. lost someone special: yes, my grandma 10. been depressed: not rlly, ive been pretty happy recently 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: drunk on bts yes

3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. pastel 13. white/black 14. blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: kinda? 16. fallen out of love: dude i fell out of love like a month ago (it was a crush tho) 17. laughed until you cried: everyday 18. found out someone was talking about you: id rather not know tbh 19. met someone who changed you: who said i interacted with ppl? 20. found out who your friends are: i dont have friends XD 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: dont have fb GENERAL 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I dont have social media 23. do you have any pets: i used to have pet snails…two died, and we let one go…that’s why i cant stand people eating snails, even if its sea snails, even if its a delicacy 24. do you want to change your name: no, but i do want to change the spelling of Brianna to Bryanna (to be hipster ya know) 25. what did you do for your last birthday: buffet for lunch and then my sister got sick, i got my period, and i thought i would die (i dont want to celebrate my bday again, really) 26. what time did you wake up: 7:03 am, i dragged myself out literally 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: hiding underneath my covers with my phone on wattpad 28. name something you can’t wait for: independence. i know i’m still a child and although im scared of growing up, i want to have more freedom and independence, more control of my own life. 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like a few minutes ago? 31. what are you listening to right now: the sound of my own breathing 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes, back in primary schoo. he was a ginger. and i had a crush on his best friend 33. something that is getting on your nerves: people 34. most visited website: youtube, gmail and tumblr 35. hair colour: dark brown (looks lighter in the sun) 36. long or short hair: long hair, i havent cut it for like how many months….lmao 37. do you have a crush on someone: irl, a boy at tennis comp (tho im not sure if i still do) and BTS BTS BTS 38. what do you like about yourself: my twisted sense of humour? 40. blood type: wtf idk am i supposed to know? 41. nickname: Bri, Brian, Bry-anna (like fry) 42. relationship status: single now and forever 43. zodiac: capricorn 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: shark tank (educational and interesting) (i wanna be an investor now so i can be rich)  46. tattoos: zero, but i might get one when im older…one that i wont regret 47. right or left handed: right handed 48. surgery: never 50. sport: tennis, tho im not really good, but im working on it! 51. vacation: Japan, South Korea and explore more of Australia (im a local who hasnt even been to the Gold Coast) 52. pair of trainers: hand-me-down black adidas

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: my life revolves around food 54. drinking: im thirsty 55. I’m about to: revise for a math test but will probs end up doing some other crap 56. waiting for: myself to get my shit together in life 57. want: intelligence and wisdom           58. get married: okay, maybe i will get married…..(for company) but im not having kids 59. career: a school student who is waiting to get out of hell

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: hugs definitely 61. lips or eyes: eyes, they tell everything 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: arms…for good protection and cuddling purposes 65. hook up or relationship: a truthful relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant? idek bro, i thought im staying single

HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: yum, no 68. drank hard liquor: nope 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: well ive never lost my glasses or my contacts, but my contacts did fall out once and one of my lenses from my glasses did pop out once as well… 70. turned someone down: who would even like me? 71. sex on the first date: ew no 72. broken someone’s heart: more like my own heart 73. had your heart broken: asdfghjkl never had a heart to begin with (i sound so emo wth) 74. been arrested: nah 75. cried when someone died: yes, yes yesu 76. fallen for a friend: somewhat yes?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: barely 78. miracles: depends 79. love at first sight: not exactly 80. santa claus: too old for that shit 81. kiss on the first date: um….questionable? 82. angels: shrug

OTHER: 84. eye colour: dark brown 85. favourite movie: my lifeu

I tag: anyone who wants to participate @mutuals @random ppl

[notallpotatoesarefrenchfries]

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

I was tagged by @yoshifics, which was a nice surprise!!!

Tagging: I won't specifically tag anyone because this one is a doozy, but I implore you to try and do it if you want to do it!!!

On to the show

the last …


1. drink: diet mountain dew ((my mom is addicted and well...the apple doesn’t fall far))

2. phone call: most phone calls are forced upon me, but the last one was my mom telling me to take another important phone call i was unwilling to pick up

3. text message: my friend Sarah

4. song you listened to: Not about Angels by Birdy

5. time you cried: uhhh. I know it was recent but I don’t know specifically what day. I really cry for no reason sometimes idk. 

6. dated someone twice: I’ve never dated, and I don’t think I'm willing to start either at this point in my life

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Never been kissed

8. been cheated on: never dated

9. lost someone special: My grandpa and friendships that never worked out.

10. been depressed: I’m not diagnosed because I don’t talk about my issues to a very extreme degree, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been depressed.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never had a drink of alcohol

favorite colors

12. Blue

13. Purple

14. Black

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yasssss! Every new friend I’ve made has been a blessing! I’m looking at you, mutuals!!!

16. fallen out of love: Never been in love 

17. laughed until you cried: yes, it is a beautiful thing to experience. 

18. found out someone was talking about you: nah

19. met someone who changed you: Again, looking at you mutuals

20. found out who your friends are: I found out that a friendship I'm in is toxic, but I’ve not yet worked up the courage to break it off yet. Other than that, nah. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: never been kissed

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: uhhhh. I don’t really get on my Facebook so I don’t know how accurate this statement is, but I’ll say yes!

23. do you have any pets: My family has a miniature dachshund. And my sister has two king charles spaniels so I count them too since she is over all the time. When I am old enough and living alone (( I don’t think I’ll have met someone/ect by this point but we’ll see where God takes me)) I want a king charles spaniel((they were breed for cuddling)) and maybe a black cat but I’ll have to think about that one since I’m allergic. 

24. do you want to change your name: I like other names but I’d never change my own. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday: My last birthday was Fathers Day so it was really just whatever he wanted to do. I’ve not really done anything for my own in awhile. Bright side is that I told my Dad I’m his biggest dad joke. 

26. what time did you wake up: 10 because I’m being lazy as much as possible before that turns into 5 for swimming.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: well I was talking with my friend, pattonpending. If the deer thing had happened to thomas I was off making puns on his twitter posts. 

28. name something you can’t wait for: Is it sad that I can’t think of something. Maybe going back to school so I can see my non-pocket buddies. 

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: Today

31. what are you listening to right now: Somebody That I Used to Know cover by Christina Grimmie

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yes. My ((evil)) high school swim coach was named Tom and some guy at my campus is named Tom and although I’ve talked to him, its really just saying hi to him. At my campus, everyone greets everyone. Its a very social atmosphere which is good for when Ive got a full introvert battery and want to talk. 

33. something that is getting on your nerves: Myself 24/7. I really need to treat myself with more kindness.

34. most visited website: I don’t think there is ONE website I visit the most. It really depends on the day.

35. hair colour: Dark Brown ((It has red in it but you can’t see it))

36. long or short hair: Long. I’ve not had a haircut in awhile.

37. do you have a crush on someone: does a friendship one count? Like I really value our friendship/ want to be your friend. I don’t have any romantic ones and don’t think I ever have

38. what do you like about yourself: well I can draw, and people say my mannerisms are cute, Im tall(6 ft), I have a gold ring around the middle of my eye, and I give good hugs :)

39. piercings: none at all

40. blood type: no idea

41. nickname: Tator tot, Tay, Tay-Tay

42. relationship status: single wondering if I really want to mingle or if I just want cuddles.

43. zodiac: Gemini

44. pronouns: She/Her 

45. favourite tv show: So many ugh. I’ll give a few: Merlin, Doctor Who, Hetalia, Star Trek ((DS9 is my fav)), Teen Wolf, Supernatural, and Parks and Rec

46. tattoos: Im too indecisive to choose, but no. 

47. right or left handed: Right-handed.

48. surgery: nope

49. piercing: none

50. sport: I’m a swimmer and I swim the mile((1650 yards)). It takes around 20 minutes to finish it. 

51. vacation: I went to Germany and Poland in May. It wasn’t to visit happy locations, but I really wanted to visit Germany in any way. I took German years ago, and love the culture. I am sad to say I’ve lost a lot of it which is why I follow some German blogs on here.

52. pair of trainers: ((Tennis shoes?)) Yes. The sport of swimming doesn’t let you get away with one type of training. We do land training ((we call it dryland)). So, I have a pair for that

more general

53. eating: Nothing yet today. Pasta is my fav food.

54. drinking: usually diet dew. During the school year coffee is a sunday thing and I drink lemonade instead of soda. 

55. i’m about to: Eat.

56. waiting for: nothing atm

57. want: Uhmm. I want to be hugged by someone taller and stronger. I was so touch starved going into college I actually prayed to Jesus to give me someone who will give lots of hugs ((thats a little sad looking back)). I just wanted the kind of hugs that dean would give cas or the one hug merlin got when he was found coming out of a bog. I found someone who gives hugs, but not the hug where you feel protected and engulfed in. Im usually the one giving that.

58. get married: My idea of any sort of romance is like the New Girl situation where you have someone who totally understands you and all your quirks but still loves you. Not really looking for anything sexual, just cuddly. 

59. career: looking to be an art teacher.

60. hugs or kisses: Hugs!! Idk anything about giving/ receiving kisses sooo...

61. lips or eyes: uh....

62. shorter or taller: I don't mind either (( are we talking about friends or...?))

63. older or younger. I dont mind either

64. nice arms or nice stomach: People usually use me as the shoulder stomach thing so idk. I really do want to be in the other role at some point. 

65. hook up or relationship: Relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. Last time someone asked me out I panicked so hard I cried. 

67. kissed a stranger: Nope.

68. drank hard liquor: never

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yes. When you lose a contact lense, they go off into the void to be lost forever.

70. turned someone down: yes ((see 66))

71. sex on the first date: Never had sex and never dated

72. broken someone’s heart: Not that I know of

73. had your heart broken: nah

74. been arrested: Listen buddy if I am like that spongebob moment where he’s crying and saying I'm a good noodle. So getting arrested is hardcore not something I plan on doing.

75. cried when someone died: yes

76. fallen for a friend: nope

do you believe in …

77. yourself: no but I am trying to work on that

78. miracles: yes

79. love at first sight: yes

80. santa claus: nope

81. kiss on the first date: idk

82. angels: yes

other

83. current best friend’s name: I can’t choose. 

84. eye colour: Blue/green ((it varies)) with a gold ring around the middle

85. favourite movie: I can’t choose. I have such a soft spot for Rise of the Gaurdians though. 

Thanks for tagging me @yoshifics! This was long and hopefully I overshared something about myself to the internet! Be kind to yourselves!!!

[vernicle]

Women her role in various walks of life Resume Writing Astrology

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Women - Should she be equal to men

She is the creator of men

O Woman! Lovely woman! Nature made thee,

to temper man: we had been brutes without you

Angels are painted fair, to look like you."

Thomas Otway

That is the power of her existence. She is truly divine in disguise of human. But it is equally important that society runs on two wheels, both the wheels must be equally strong to run smoothly. Although legally and theoretically women is now recognized as the social equal of man, but the institutions of caste, the patriarch family and the prevailing value system are still surcharge on them due to the spirit of male dominance or what  we call male chauvinism. 

But it is the power of emotion, which is the evocation of the infinite faculties of women representing her ability to scale the height of thought, love, beauty, care, affection, sacrifice and the list is endless. She is the magnificent creation of God, a multifaceted personality with the power of benevolence, adjustability, integrity and tolerance. She is the companion of man gifted with equal mental faculty protection and provider of the embodiment of love and affection. The role given to the women in society is measuring rod and true index of its civilization attainment. She is the builder and molder of a nation's destiny. Though delicate and soft as lily, she has a heart, far stronger and bolder than of man. She is the supreme inspiration for man's onward march.

If one happens to turn the pages of history (women like Mother Teresa, Kalpana Chawla, Sushmita Sen and so many worth appreciating)role of women stand out in resplendent letters. As she not only has proved her abilities as soft, delicate, emotional and caring mother, wife, sister, nurse but also she is the one who has attained the heights of achieving success in the field of Aeronautical sciences. She is spreading the message of being equal to men by achieving success in almost all walks of life which earlier was considered foreign to women's nature and attitude.

It is hard fact that when men get name and fame and recognition it takes them to chauvinistic attitude, and they start considering themselves as the unconquerable monarchs, but look at the women's modesty and generosity she accepts this looked upon attitude not to challenge the world of men but accepts it as a trifle hurdle where like other spheres she has to mark her presence, which is yet to be discovered, which is yet to have spread some vestiges of hope.  Why shouldn't she be considered equal to men? Why? After all she plays great part in the progress of any country as the mental and physical contact of women with life is much more lasting and comprehensive than of men. "For the hands that rocks the cradle rules the world". In women is hidden the revolutionary energy which establish paradise on this earth. She is less selfish; more dedicated to duty and have much potency than men by nature. Only elevating presence of women on the top can help bring in a semblance of order in the present situation, where she is looked upon as the mere, pitiable, weak, helpless and dependent creature. Not only this she is emotional, affectionate, caring and yet firm and is the perennial source of aspiration for man himself in the odyssey of life. Without the emancipation of women, existence of Adam was meaningless. She is the cultural backbone of the society. She is the incarnation of love and existence of men's very presence.

This is the era of women. They are gradually emerging as a force in social cultural as well as political fields of the country. The tolerance, perseverance, inner strength, insight efficiency of a responsible and good being women help in the governance of the country on wider scale and of family in narrower sense. If men have sight women have insight. She has now occupied a pivotal position and has achieved eminence in different fields. Obstacles, yes obstacles are there in her venture of establishing her presence felt as equal to men but she continues to bind it with hope, optimism, happiness and virtue together as by an indissoluble chain. It is her power only that sets her apart from men on the lower rungs of the evolutionary ladder. Rather it will not be an exaggeration if it is said that it is only such qualities, which moulds her personality to a God like height.

 But she is the other half of men. She has got her existence from Adam's shoulder bone not to forget the evolutions of the first Homo sapiens. Men and women are like body and soul. Like a body without a soul implies a rotting carcass, left to waste away in to nothingness. It is the sexual character which turns breathless life into an otherwise inanimate piece of clay, transforming it into a living piece of creation. It means it is through their complementary relationship only life is generated, so where is the space left to discriminate between them. There are just small oblivions which need to be replaced with shining world which should echo concrete jingles of equal and hormonal relationship between men and women. After all nothing is perfect.

Sangeeta Chaudhary

                        Astrology and Blue Sapphire

Saturn can be the greatest friend - understand saturn and proppitiate saturn and see the valuable great blessings of lord Saturn It is the Stars. The Stars above us govern our conditions.

Shakespeare: King Lear, Act IV Human desires are controlled by cosmic rotation of planets. It is quite bold statement as the scientists who want facts and facts only to prove the existence of metaphysical forest of knowledge, can challenge it. But let us simplify it with an illustration, as we know that desire for Knowledge is the evidence of Soul or Spirit _ it is the dividing line, separating Mankind from the animals. By Knowledge Man only becomes free__ free from the fate that ignorance would condemn him to bear. Like suppose one knew that heavy stone was at that moment falling from the roof, towards one's head. As a sensible person, one would jump aside and be saved__ but the stone would continue to fall. In other words, the law or cause that might have killed the man is here represented__ he escaped only because he was protected by knowledge.

As Saturn's and Mars planets were recently came closer to each other was something which was bound to happen, it was cosmic law _ not to be changed can never be changed.

All we have to take care of is to protect ourselves from the negative vibrations of the movement of the planets. But question lies that how to protect and can it be possible. Yes, it is possible and can definitely be done. It is just simple like a person's health seriously affected at a certain period of time and as a sensible person one would escape the threatened break or try to minimize the consequences by consulting doctor and taking medicine. Doctor for planetary malfunction and benefaction is Astrology, which offers number of medicaments. One of the important measures is wearing precious stones to minimize the evil effect of planets.

Blue Sapphire or neelam or sauri ratna or shani priya removes evil effects of Saturn. It has the power of elevating ones status right from social life to professional life. It brings name, fame and wealth to its user. But caution is required as it can bring misfortune too. So it is advisable to first test it for a week or so before final wearing. But should all the people suffering from afflicted Saturn, wear it? No, let us know who all should wear it and when to wear it and other reasonable information about this stone.

Shani or Saturn is the presiding deity of longevity, calamities, spiritual wisdom and difficulties. It is both giver and destroyer. In all the twelve zodiac signs it resides for the period of 2 ½ years. When it resides in horoscope in 12th, 2nd and 1st house it resides for 7 ½ years, when it transits over moon from the previous house to the next house where moon is located takes 7 1/2 years to move which is called sarrsati. During this period it troubles the native financially, physically and sometimes to the extent of loss of social image.

There are also the great examples of saturn making Kings and emperors and Prime Ministers in this period or its major period . Saturn can be the greatest friend not foe . Depends on it's location and other aspects in the horoscope. Indira Gandhi ruled India as one of the strongest prime ministers in the history of free and democratic India. This was in the major period of Saturn . During Saturn's major period or transitory phases one can be advised to wear blue sapphire. Also people born in Capricon rashi and lagna, Acquarious rashi and lagna, Taurus rashi and lagna, Gemini rashi and lagna, Virgo rashi and lagna, Libra rashi and lagna can wear this stone. Zodiac signs Cancer, Leo and Pisces should not even try to wear it.

Saturn exalts in Libra and deblitates in Aries .Gets combusted if it is within the 15 degrees orb of Sun. Saturn is known as the son Sun God . Indian astrological scientists have also invented many other methods to please the God Saturn. However here it is the subject of blue saffires and astrology . According to numerology people born on the dates 8, 17, and 26 can wear this stone. It is believed that it has the power to ease anxiety, attract love, gain social respect, fetch financial profits, calms anger and controls negative emotions. It is also associated with the power of curing diseases like rheumatism, colic, weak eyesight, dental infirmities, deafness, baldness, arthritis, alcoholism, depression, frustration and mental illness. It can also gift the user with the special power of remembering past lives and give telepathic powers to its user.

Academically it helps the user to excel in the field of engineering, in automobile industry, iron industry and help in maintaining cordial relationship with the employees. People with strong Saturn are gifted with the quality of managing masses .

One should be cautious of not wearing coral, ruby and pearl along with this stone. It should be worn on Saturday and be worn on second finger of right hand and weight should be 5 to 7 carats or rattis and should be set in silver. It can be substituted with lapis lazuli, malachite or amethyst.

There should be no cracks, black spot and chipped edges. One should test it before wearing. Keep it under your pillow or your pocket for 3-4 days if pleasant dreams come it is good but if bad dreams occur don't wear it.

Sapphires are second in hardness, next to diamond and therefore don't need much of care. Before wearing it wash it in rose water and immersed it in milk for one hour during the first hour starting from sunrise of first Saturday to the next Saturday.

Sapphires are found in India, Brazil, Sri Lanka, Russia, Thailand, Australia, U.S.A, U.K., Nepal, Mexico, Zambia and Nigeria. In India they are found in Jammu and Kashmir and are considered the best in the world.

Sapphires are epitome of love, loyalty, friendship, sympathy, harmony, emotions and yearning. They are all time favorite stones for the occasion of engagement or marriage. It is considered as the, stone of stones, and easily be identified. All we have to do is to check inclusions, which can be seen with naked eyes if it is not the same than it is not the genuine one. The inclusions are generally like feathers or like finger print impressions. So be careful when you buy one for yourself.

Astrology and Venus

Venus is the nearest planet to the earth and scientist has nicknamed it as morning and evening star. Sometimes people don't recognize it and call the police because they think that it is UFO or some alien spaceship. It is quite similar to earth and astrologers take it as signpost of love, sex, optimistic attitude, physical attraction, art, and affection and represents the receptive, emotional , passive and female principles..

In esoteric astrology Venus is regarded as the abode of concrete knowledge. Venus house conjunction shows how you express socially, romantically, and aesthetically in the different areas of the life cycle. Venus brings a sense of harmony, refinement and aesthetic taste to the house it occupies. Venus is the planet of pleasure as it is said that when on journey your car gets a puncture it is mostly to be occurred near gas station. In mythology Venus, or Aphrodite, is considered as the goddess of love. It represents femininity, sensuousness, it is the soft feeling of baby powder on one's palm, the feeling of sand on one's hand, the scent of wild flowers, it takes us for trip to earthly pleasures.

Venus retrogrades every 18 months for 6 weeks. In Gustus Holst's musical composition The Planets, Venus is called Bringer of peace. It is the ruling planet of Libra and Taurus. It is the planet of Friday. In Chinese astrology it is associated with the element metal. In its sleeping state it can make man lethargic, sluggish, vain and preoccupied with appearance. It makes us just like a large woman eating chocolate and continuously watching T.V and lying on the sofa. It then makes one passive, inert, and unable to make positive changes.

In its awakened state it becomes the healer, with total balance between mind, body and soul. It blesses one with perfection of form, shape, art, and beauty in artistic piece of work. Strange but world's greatest artist are all men. It makes one stylish luxury lover, selective, charming and easy going. Retro gradation of Venus. During Venus retrograde love impulses, attractions, values, relationships, money and possessions are altered and do not function in their usual way. This means it is the time to go and finish pending work also it deals with deep feelings of past events. They are activated internally and difficult to express externally. It is the time to know you, time to have a peep in what and why you prioritize those things which might have been waspish for others but comfortable to you. It is the time to tune your instincts for guidance.

As far as money is concerned you need to bother extravagant expenditure try to look beyond surface appearances. Also try to pocket information than actually buying things for you for instance you can sit on net and browse right from fashion tips to business tips than actually spending on them. This is the time which makes you rethink and reanalyze your decisions than implementing them in true sense.

In Vedic Astrology Venus represents Poetics, Aesthetics, and Rhetoric. Research says that most of the greatest poets and artists have Venus in their horoscope. Like Tennyson, Byron, Aurobindo, Omar Khyam and Tagore. During this time avoid weddings, opening fashion houses, beauty salon, art gallery, launching of a women magazine, buying expensive items, radical changes in personal looks and investments, parties and social events etc.

We should rather during this time try to clean the house and throw the things of no value or importance. We should also ask genuinely for forgiveness, try to remove the differences in relationship , contact the old friends to maintain relationships and develop unconditional love by doing prayers, meditations and through spiritualism.

Women and Photography

Photography is the art of reproducing pictures of people, nature or any depiction of values, sentiments, emotions, or actions through the instrument or device called camera. Like other discoveries the world of photography has undergone sudden and gradual changes from the camera without the film to the development of film with the method of photogram that is a method of making permanent images.

Life has taken a new dimension with the modern concept of photography. We have now various types of photography, like we have aerial photography, art photography, studio or advertising photography, outdoor and travel photography, photojournalism, and sports photography.

It is said the history has become more interesting because of those momentary clicks which gives life to past in present. And this meaningful life has the great of contribution of women folk in it like they are excelling in the field of medical sciences, teaching line, aeronautical sciences etc. they have made a special place in the field of photography also. Yes, once again the field which was considered as the men's sole hierarchy. Actually hurdle is not the competition but it is the material used, which was not only smelly but has sort of hit and miss affair, which makes the profession a thought over for women, and moreover the equipments required for the photography are cumbersome.

The most illuminating fact still lies in the fact that women have entered in this profession way back during First World War. We have names like Lotte Jacobi, Aenne Biermann and Yva who have established themselves as renowned photographers of their time and have portrayed the pictures of self-dramatization. The way to success in this field was also not easy. Whenever the women used to shoot and work along with team of men or their husbands it was always their men co-partners or their husbands who used to pocket fame.

In this field also we have classes. First class is the behind the scene class which takes care of all the printing work from the negatives for which they get very less remunerations. Second class is assistance classes, which assist the women customers in toilettes, sit at reception, take orders, collect the cash and maintain good PR'S. Third class is the class of actual photographers who has brains to master their skills in this field. It has given more successful names of women in this field than . Various exhibitions have been organized to depict the journey of women photographers from the First World War to the period of Nazism.

Substantial cash awards are announced every year for upcoming women photographers, competitions and many federations have also been formed to encourage few women talent in this field. We have names like:

Christina Broom is regarded as the first British woman press photographer. The number of events she covered included Derby Day, at Epsom, Surrey, investitures of monarchs, women suffrage demonstrations, the Oxford and Cambridge Boat race, and the Royal Mews at Buckingham Palace.

Nancy Ford cones is another name who operated in Ohio. She received second prize for a photograph entitled " Threading the Needle" in a Kodak competition.

Clementina Hawarden was awarded a medal by the (then) Photographic Society, though she died aged forty-two, before receiving the award. The Victoria and Albert Museum, London owns many of her prints.

And the names are still adding. The work of photography by women presents striking portrayal of beauty, strife, sorrow, and dignity. Many so-called photographic works by the women bog the admirers with its picaresque quality. And in this they are more careful than men to tailor their work simply and effectively and which provides the reader with a fascinating and diverse view of photography at its best

Ageless entrepreneurs: Timeless Principles

Who is an entrepreneur? The word entrepreneur derives from the French word "entre" (to enter) and "prendre" (to take), and literally it means the one who knows to synchronize... between his intellect and assets to accumulate gains (material as well as spiritual).

"It is not magic; it is not mysterious; it has nothing to do with genes. It is a discipline, and, like any discipline, it can be learned."--Drucker. 1985 (1)Entrepreneurship is about a way of thinking and behaving. Entrepreneurs are people who are engaged in the process of creating and building something of value from practically nothing. They focus on doing and producing rather than watching and talking. Success flows to them as they focus on sensing opportunities, marshalling resources, taking calculated risks and pushing ideas through to reality, entrepreneurial thinking in action.

God: The greatest enterpreneur Aesthetically or in the world of cosmos God is the greatest, original, ageless, omnipresent and omnipotent enterpreneur who has through his architectural skills and supernatural skills has created the LIFE . He is beyond time and space and is the initiater of huge energy field of this undestructible cosmos. To simplify He can make 24 more universes. The present universe actually has the speed to expand at the speed of light. God has used just 4% of the energy in creating this .That explains the enormous abundance and affluence available for the man kind to avail by using mind rightly. It is not being used more than 20% yet . Since man is the outcome of God's manifestations, He has made him combination of intellect, emotions, spiritualism, intuitive powers and knowledge which embibes man with collective entrepreneurship so to call consciousness.

The seed : THOUGHT A man's mind is like a garden. If we plant good seeds, we will have a good garden. But if we don't plant anything, something will grow and they will be weeds. That is nature's law. As someone has rightly said: Our thoughts are causes You sow a thought, you reap an action. You sow an action, you reap a habit. You sow a habit, you reap a character. You sow a character, you reap a destiny. It all starts with a thought. "Precisely it all starts with right approach with right timings, of course age is not the restriction for entrepreneurship. I happened to read a story in one of the books which briefly sums up the approach taken by an entrepreneur. It runs like this: A man died and St. peter asked him if he would like to go to heaven or hell. The man showed his interest to visit both before taking final decision. He was taken to hell first where he saw a big hall with a long table, lots of food on it and music playing. He also saw rows of people with pale , sad faces. They looked starved and there was no laughter. He also found that these people were tied to four foot forks and knives and they were trying to get the food from the table to put into their mouths, but they couldn't. After that he visited heaven. He found same things and people like in hell. But he got flabbergasted seeing the people there as they were laughing and were well-fed and healthy looking. He noticed that they were feeding one another across the table. The result was happiness, prosperity, enjoyment and gratification because they were not thinking of themselves alone but they were thinking to win. The same is true of lives of entrepreneurs. For example:

Once colgate company's Md was visited by a consultant who after hard struggle got an appointment with him. He proposed the MD to increase the sale of the co. by 80 percent ( appx.) with his idea only. Reluctant but seeing consultant's confidence, strong will, belief in self and spitfire gave him an opportunity to give his idea and rest is the story which everybody knows that he proposed to make the colgate tubes of plastic than that of aluminium and also by increasing the mouth of the tube by few cms which brought him position and also money. The owner of pan parag masala also made his fortune by introducing small pouches of pan parag so that general mass can also afford that, which thereafter brought a revolution in the business market of goods . Bill gates the richest man in the world is another example who has revolutionized the world of communications throgh the internet and by creating infrastructure for super information highway. One can call George Bush also the great entrepreneur who is making a protection cell for his country' s energy security by enhancing oil wealth. Dhirubhai Ambani is another great entrepreneur who established the biggest fortune 500 company in the private sector, though he just started his struggle around the middle age. He came from small village family of gujrat in India and did not have formal education. He has left behind a legend Reliance group which is the pride of India . There are entrepreneurs in all the fields. Alexander the great , Ghengis Khan ,Ashoka the great were warrior entrepreneurs. Columbus who discovered America the greatest country of present times was an adventurist entrepreneurs. There are entrepreneurs in sciences , trading , entertainment , acting , media , politics , writing etc. There are many whom we can name but the list is unending. So the seed is thought if one knows what to get from where, how, when, why and from whom one has the calibre to establish oneself as the greatest enterpreneur. Napoleon Hill wrote Henry Ford never saw the face of school but had these qualities. By and large everyone of us has the potential only the degree varies from person to person and society to society and environment to environment and country to country.

The principles Shiv khera has rightly said that "winners don't do different things. They do things differently. "Enterpreneurs seek perfection in everything they do. They have the guiding principles like having confidence mastered by positive thinking. They have the sixth sense of making their failures their success. That is, they learn from their failures more. They do right thing for the right reason and in right time, they are not carried away by their impulses what brings them credibility is controlling their senses, things etc. instead of being controlled by them. Their best resource is the human resource as they build trust by developing mutual respect with people. They make the most obscure the known and important thing which not only generates wealth for them but also help them in removing obstacles to bring effectiveness and positive results. They know that success can be achieved if they abide by spiritualism and materialism together. They are able to relax in action and act in relaxation as they are not afraid of vacuum bringers like fear, ineffective beliefs, darkness, as they know that these are absences which vanish when the light is there as after every night there is new brighter morning and the Sun shining. King Soloman believed there is always a Sun meridian time as the Sun is always shining some where on the planet . It never sets for the bright thinkers. Precisely they do things differently. Some loopholes Just the desire to make lot of money, having heard that many entrepreneurs have, is not a basis of bringing fame and name as entrepreneurs. Prone to negative thoughts, insomnias, ignorance, problem creators, pessimism, excuses, selfish people, egoist, lack of planning, lack of training, lack of persistence, lack of priorities, procrastination, lack of discipline, fear of failing, fear of rejection, inability to use talent etc. are some troubleshooters which actually has produced unsuccessful entrepreneurs. Some Strategies Some people have a knack for discerning opportunities in ordinary events. But there are things you can do. Attend lectures. Read books. biographies, go through magazines. dream , visualise creatively . Observe what other people are doing. And talk to others who are involved in similar ventures. The smallest key is collect ideas, organize them, develop them in the form of planning, ask questions, think pros and cons, omit what you think is energy sucker or default, and finally reorganize and shoot. The moral If you want to be a successful entrepreneur build in the insight, the vision, which makes one the best, successful and renowned entrepreneur. As there is a saying: " Where the vision is one year, cultivate flowers, Where the vision is ten years, cultivate trees, Where the vision is eternity, cultivate people." So think win and be a winner. " Success desires you to remain away from guilt . Swami A. Parthasarthy qouted from Bhagwad Geeta , Sin is not in the action , it is the reaction which rebounds after the action . Plan and take such actions the reaction of which does not make you guilty . Such action of an entrepreneur becomes divine action and no stress can touch you . Swami Chinmayananda mentioned in his version of Bhagwad Geeta about perfection. The difference between your planning and action is the measure of your lack of perfection. Planning and action go hand in hand for a great entrepreneur whether it is spiritualism or materilaism .You have all the powers within yourselves .

Free resume writing tips

To stand out of the crowd in the field of employment one should know the dexterity of creating a bond with one's perspective employer. Since most employers spend a few minutes (or less!) looking over each resume they receive, it's important to package your credentials in an appealing and concise format.

Make your own resume more compelling -- by selling your strengths to employers! The goal of your resume is to make an employer want to interview you. It's a powerful marketing tool that promotes who you are, what you want to do, and the value you will bring to an organization. Tailor it for each individual position. Usually it does not entail too much extra work. It is more a question of emphasizing certain things and de-emphasizing others based on the values placed highly by that employer. The best way to select information that belongs on your resume is to think like an employer. Ask yourself, "If I were hiring a person for this position, what training and experience would be related" Give brief, specific, positive information that would be of interest to your next employer. Do not give unrelated or negative information. Your resume writing can either make or break a job opportunity.

Formats

Your resume introduces you to potential employers. Find out how to write one that will make a good impression. Learn about different resume formats. There is no right or wrong format, as long as your resume is concise, readable, and presents your qualifications in the best possible light. Reverse Chronological resumes work best for people who have a strong, continuing work history with progressively more responsible positions. Presents material in reverse chronological order starting with the most recent job and then working backwards. Highlights the progress you've made in your jobs. unctional resumes work best for entry level, career changes, and those with gaps in their work history. Emphasizes your skills and accomplishments by listing experiences by major functional areas. Skills and accomplishment oriented resumes may be more effective by showing the employer what you can do for him or her based on education, training, or prior experience and accomplishments. Your resume is a profile of your skills, job experience and accomplishments. It is your opportunity to emphasize your strengths, education and talents. Combination resumes combine the chronological and functional formats to highlight selected jobs. A combination of the two may be used to highlight your experience or accomplishments gained from multiple jobs, or career changes. There are 3 popular online resume formats used widely today. These online resume formats include ASCII Text, HTML and PDF.

ASCII Text is basic text that you would use in an email message. HTML is markup language that used to build web pages. The PDF format is Adobe's format for presenting documents that are embedded within page and cannot be edited. PDF's are formatted more like a graphical picture, with improved formatting for viewing text images. Some basics

· Use 8-1/2" x 11" paper, 1-2 pages · Choose ivory, white, cream, buff or light gray paper · Use personal computer, word processor, typewriter or typesetting · Keep margins 1" wide at sides and bottom · Check for and correct any spelling, punctuation, typing or grammatical errors · Write short and to-the-point statements · Keep it brief; write a summary, not a life history! · Use short phrases beginning with action words to demonstrate accomplishments and results · Provide positive and honest information · Use a simple, professional, easy-to-read style

· Emphasize important information by underlining or using capital letters when appropriate, but don't overdo it. · Don't list wages, company street addresses, references, salary requirements, personal problems · Provide examples of your qualifications

10 common pitfalls to avoid when preparing your résumé:

1. Your résumé should show a clear match between your skills and experience and the job's requirements. A general résumé with no sharp focus is not seen as competitive. Why are you the best person for this particular position? 2. A solid résumé is much more than a summary of your professional experience; it's a tool to market yourself. Avoid phrases like "responsibilities included" or "duties included." Your résumé should not be a laundry list of your duties but rather an announcement of your major accomplishments. Information on a résumé should be listed in order of importance to the reader. Don't ask employers to wade through your hobbies first. Dates of employment are not as important as job titles. 3. Education should be emphasized if you are freshly out of school and have little work experience; otherwise, put it at the end. If your résumé is difficult to read or key information is buried, it's more likely to be cast aside. 4. Résumés that go too far back into the job seeker's work history can put that person at risk for possible age discrimination. Does anyone really need to read about your high school job bagging groceries, especially when that was 20 years ago? The rule of thumb for someone at a senior level is to list about the last 15 years worth of professional experience. 5. Don't forget to bullet the important skills that make you a standout in your field. Your objective is to play up the value that you will bring to a prospective employer. Emphasize how you will add worth to the company, not the reason you want the job. Employers are looking for someone to enhance the organization, not their own résumé. 6. Try to stay away from the cookie-cutter résumé templates that employers see constantly. Show a little imagination when writing and designing your résumé. But don't overdo it. Overly artistic or tiny fonts are a no-no, since they're hard to read and don't scan or photocopy well. 7. If your Web site includes photos of your cat or your personal blog about what you did over the weekend, don't steer prospective employers there by including it on your résumé. Keep your personal and your professional life separate in order to be taken seriously. 8. Your résumé is your one chance to make a first impression. A typo or misspelled word can lead an employer to believe that you would not be a careful, detail-oriented employee. 9. Everyone wants to present his or her work experience in the most attractive light, but information contained on your résumé must be true and accurate. Whether you're simply inflating past accomplishments or coming up with complete fabrications, lying is simply a bad idea. Aside from any moral or ethical implications, chances are you'll eventually get caught and lose all credibility. 10. A common mistake is neglecting to mention any extra education, training, volunteer work, awards, or recognitions that might pertain to your particular job area or industry. Many

Resume Writing Tips

Begin by determining your objective (do this prior to writing the resume).

Your Resume Objective is the first thing employers will read -- make sure it's great! Your resume will be first scanned for only a few seconds. Your resume objective must capture them and sell them a value. Too many resume objectives are written with the job seeker's desire in mind. For example, A sales position where my creativity and skill can be utilized with room for growth! The above statement does nothing for your employer. This is all about You! Give them what they want! Answer their question, "what can you do for me?" Your resume objective should not be YOUR resume objective, but should be your employer's objective. Your job is to make a match! Lure them in towards reading the rest of your resume by demonstrating right away, that you know what they need.

Example

OBJECTIVE: Sales position in need of custom 10 years' experience meeting sales quotas.

Qualification

It should be mirror to your academics giving in clear picture. For e.g

Example1. 17 years of experience in the finance, service and consumer industries. Expertise in computerized insurance tracking, development of sales territory, sales and customer service training, and operations supervision. Special skills in: Production/Operation, Training Supervision, Customer Service, Field Service Coordination, Budget Management, Problem Solving.

Example 2. Top sales performer in computer software. Increased new accounts by 35%.Achieved top sales award for 3 consecutive years. Developed Internet strategies for various clients in 13 Western states.

Example 3. Veteran photojournalist with extensive regional, national and international experience. A track record of unhesitatingly accepting assignments at a moment's notice whenever the situation demands. Strong indep worker, as well as a contributing team member. Guidelines for writing Resume

· Know your audience before you begin writing your resume. · Your resume must be consistent with the position you are pursuing. · Choose your language carefully and proofread. Your resume · must be free of spelling, grammar, punctuation, or typographical errors. · Tailor your resume to your prospective employer's needs. · Highlight the skills and abilities that will make you're an attractive candidate. · If possible, use a computer to prepare your resume. There are computer programs that make it easy to produce a professional looking resume. You're Wisconsin Job Center, school, library, or quick print shop can help. · Do not include irrelevant personal information (age, weight, height, marital status, etc.). · Do not include salary and wages. · Center or justify all headings. Don't use abbreviations. · Use bullets with short sentences rather than lengthy paragraphs. Resumes are read quickly, therefore make key phrases stand out. Bulleting information will help the reader view your accomplishments. · Use action words - words like prepared, managed, developed, championed, monitored, and presented will cause your resume to stand out. · You should always use %'s, $'s and #'s. Dollar totals, numbers, and percentages stand out in the body of a resume. · Above all in your resume and interview - you must be positive. Therefore, leave off negatives and irrelevant points. If you feel your graduation date will subject you to age discrimination, leave it off your resume. If you do some duties in your current job that don't support your job search objective, don't mention them.

Proofread thoroughly

* Use bullet points and indents to set off accomplishments or add emphasis. * Electronic and Scanned resumes have a different set of guidelines, however it is still important to create a stunning resume you will mail or hand deliver to your contacts.

You can determine keywords by reviewing:

* Job descriptions from previous positions you have held * Techniques that you use * The Dictionary of Occupational Titles * The Occupational Outlook Handbook * Industry/Professional and Technical organizations * Professional/Technical acronyms i.e., HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language) * Buzzwords specific to a profession or industry * Job postings or classified advertisements * Local government job service agencies * Recruiters job descriptions * Associates who work in the same field * What YOU should NEVER include in your resume * Age * False information * Marital status * Health * Number of children and their ages * Hob Photographs * Race * Religion * Detailed description of non-relevant jobs * Controversial information (i.e., political affiliation) * Social Security number * Anything Negative * bies or dangerous activities (unless job-related)

Women Entrepreneurs

The ladder of success Recently Indira Vishnampet , The CEO and founder of Hydus, Inc. (Houston) a solutions provider in enterprise integration and enterprises data management_ has been rewarded as the Outstanding Woman Entrepreneur for the year 2007 for her professional achievements.

SOME SUCCESS STORIES Is she the only one who has brought laurels. What makes a woman a successful entrepreneur is not what we call family background or luck. Shanaz Hussain is the famous woman entrepreneur who won India 's highest honor Padma Shree in the field of natural beauty and anti-ageing treatments but she accumulated all fame with the dint of her accepting new challenges, listening to her instincts to be innovative and enhancing her foresight and accomplishing her goals. She is the real entrepreneur.

Success came abruptly to housewife turn entrepreneur Mrs. Vibha Bahl , founder and Managing Director FUN FOODS, INDIA , who started her career as businesswoman by taking homemade flavored yoghurt to Diwali Mela and they ended up selling like hot cakes. And her journey of success started way back in 1984. Now she has over 200 people working under her in three factories and a range of 120 products to her credit.

Betsy Fein , the president of Clutterbuster , was once serving as human resource director, who after getting fired from her job decided to forget chasing the rat race; instead she thought to own something with more flexibility and more time for her kids, friends and family members and lo! She discovered her innate quality of home organizing which her town, her friends and family. The business which she started with a shoestring budget has now flourished and is a recognized industry leader.

ARE THEY DIFFERENT. They are not different. Difference lies in recognizing their existing potential. This potential is an embodiment of self confidence , talent, versatility, realizing ones own empowerment, trusting your gut feeling, balance between professional and family life and above all is cultivating desire to produce par excellence mind body and soul.

IS BUSINESS THEIR CUP OF TEA? Behind every success story there is some motivational factor. But being themselves motivators women Entrepreneurs are not handicapped to any man of body and soul rather they generate them with their sense of intuition, building strong relations and hierarchy with the spirituality. Talking about statistical data it is found that raising a venture capital is not only men's territory but it is surveyed that women led companies excelled by ten percent in different walks of business. Reason behind is their result orientation, focus on action and breaking shackles of restrictions and marching towards sustaining powerhouse of fund raising. Isn't that sounding unusual?

WHO ALL SUPPORT If we give a peep to Diary Industry in India we find that credit for its being No.1 in milk production goes to women who have been the facilitators and promoters of this industry. There should be follow-up development programs for such women who are in a way small unrecognized entrepreneurs. Some of the organizations like CFTRI etc are trying to crystallize turning micro zone industries to national agenda. This sort of support definitely empower woman to remove the gender bias and kiss the feet of success as COMPLETE WOMAN. Besides the support of government they themselves are the motivators. Women Entrepreneurs are not handicapped to any man of body and soul rather they generate them with their sense of intuition, building strong relations and hierarchy with the spirituality.

WHAT MOTIVATES THEM. Women as a matter of fact can be entrepreneurs if they pocket few value points, which can be their weaknesses actually. The demarcation between wining and loosing, personal failures shouldn't be taken as defeats and mistakes which are inevitable in business and above all following the rule of first collecting, organizing. Developing, modifying, and ready to shoot and success is touching your feet can help the lead. Women entrepreneurs climb the ladder of success with the deep and intense faith in their potential, discovering their positives to turn into self love and self acceptance, not hesitant to be opportunist to make the chain of associates, capacity to take educated risks, be persistent in taking maximum gains from their efforts and empowering their vision beyond achieving goals .

How to recognize yourself as Entrepreneurs?

If you are result oriented, you are gifted with entrepreneurial powers.

If you are believer in action, you can be an entrepreneur.

If you have spontaneous and independent thinking you are blessed with entrepreneurial qualities.

If you can equate between business and family you are the one who can rule the world with entrepreneurial skills.

If you can nurture innate power and professional power within simultaneously you are an entrepreneur.

If you have the ability to catch up fast in this patriarchic society without hurting their chauvinism you are the real and successful entrepreneur.

If you are national as well as international business information savvy, you are the one. (Though formal knowledge is not obligatory but latest know how's of technology is the boon).

If you are energetic, creative, and imaginative and have passion to do things in your own way you have the potential to be entrepreneur.

If you are opportunity realizer, idea facilitator and promoter you can find yourself finally landing into business.

If you have a notion that once you start your venture you have to serve to the world the same way as you serve YOUR FAMILY you are an entrepreneur.

Some secret steps to be successful entrepreneurs are:

Ø Set your goals Ø Plan investment , resources and gains thereafter , beforehand only Ø Stay in tune with people who can help to make you come in limelight Ø Shoot the target and lo! Gains flow in. Ø Review your plans Ø Look for customer to buy your idea/product

Get rid of that insecurity demon

Overcome those fears of not having enough capital, lack of family support, lack of confidence and lack of right public and private institutions just listen to your soul's voice the real you the real entrepreneur.

Some Motivational guidelines Exposure and stimulation : travel all the distances to get exposed ,to people of power, to resources, to knowledge , to communication industry and whatever can help you . Encourage Mentoring : be in the company of people with positive thinking coz they fill with enthusiasm and encouragement. Create Support system : Internet, social circle and above all aim high to get quick and positive results Learn to deal with failures : take failure as a challenge recollect all your flaws work upon and make them your strengths. Don't doubt your viability : don't confront with your talented soul. Crave for unquenchable thirst of power and pelf and ways will automatically open up for you. Open up all the avenues : realize your dreams and be generous to open up all the avenues to let profit flow in from all the directions.

So if you have a compelling idea and well thought of executing it .Be passionate about it, build the sources and sell your idea. Yes, I can see a woman entrepreneur emerging.

 Sangeeta Chaudhary

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[mysisterclaire]

Claire’s everlasting bucket of kindness.

Apologies in advance for not sticking to either past or present tense, my brain is fried. I’m not entirely sure I can read it & edit it again... 

I try hard not to dwell on what I am missing out on, not having Claire around. What her interactions would be as Judy has gotten older & the relationship she would have had with Ada (For the record, she would have snorted gleefully at Ada’s cheekiness, egging it on & making my eyes roll - they would have got up to terrible fun together.) It’s a pointless heart wrenching exercise.

And whilst I find it easy to write about Claire’s bravado & gusto. Her sunshine energy, some silly funny story, what I struggle to write about is her innate kindness & softness. Because this is where I feel her loss the most. This is what kills me about her not being here. And to give time contemplating that, I tend to have to hold my breath to stop myself from hyperventilating. 

I need to write this particular blogpost. It is important I post it. I need everyone & Claire to know how much I needed her too, and how I wish I had said it when she was here. 

The place I want to go to is hers. I want to sit in her light green living room, take my shoes off, sit on my feet on her couch & be surrounded by the scent of green fig (’Smell it Sarah, SMELL IT, It’s green fig, its frigging green friggidy fig it smells amazing. I fucking love it. Look I’ve got the candle, the pot pourri, the sticks. Do you love it?’ Shaking each item with excitement & then forcefully sticking that shit so far into my face I can taste it.). I want her to ask me what brand of wanky tea do I want today. (She had a load of tea samples especially for wanky old me in her cupboard). I want her to make me Heinz Mushroom soup and fat sliced white bread or the egg mayo she had prepared in advance because she knew I was coming. She understatedly made a fuss of me. She always made my sandwiches. From when we were in secondary school, even when we both worked out in the big wide world. And I would always eat them at first break or by 10am because I couldn’t wait. She had put the love into them and a multitude of gooood ingredients. They were proper amazing full sandwiches not just a wafer thin slice of ham stuffed between two slices of dry bread because I couldn’t be bothered. I want to sit all cosy in her living room or loiter in the doorway of her kitchen & chitter chatter or tell her my current issues & for her to look at me with her huge empathic brown eyes, as she felt what I was going through & knowing that if she couldn’t make it better she could make me laugh just by saying something ridiculous or belching (she could sing ’Its all about the money, its all about the dum dum diddy dum dum’ in one burp). Hers would be the one place I could go to to make everything better. It is kind of where I need to go. But she isn’t there anymore.

I miss having her place to go, where I could fully be relaxed & myself, not care about offending, but perhaps even purposefully doing so. Just going somewhere to irritate someone. You can get away with that when it is your sister. And I miss being able to give that to Claire too. I miss her frequent pop ins, with the 10 minutes it took her to park her car & her silly faces at the window met with my silly faces walking to answer the door to her. The ability to talk about absolute boring weird shit or just sit in comfortable silence watching a film, legs entwined on the sofa, slapping her hand out of the sweets. I miss retelling a story & adding ‘and then I called BULLSHIT on everything they said & left’ and her face lighting up, asking ‘NO! Really?!?’ & me responding ‘No, but I wanted to.’ and we’d laugh and laugh and laugh. And then, in practisced synchronicity, we’d add a funny line from Todd in Neighbours from when we were 11/12 that made us laugh hysterically -  ‘Cos thats the kind of guy I am’ & dramatically turn on our heels. She just had to look at me & we’d laugh.

I miss the unedited unfiltered texts & messages. I miss the ‘tling tling tling’ of her sending me direct messages on facebook - her not writing paragraphs, she’d irritatingly press send after every fricking line - oh god it was annoying - especially at 6am when she was out walking Banjo & I was snuggled & rejoicing that Judy was sleeping in. But I miss it. I have wanted to tell her about Judy’s disappearing, reappearing outtie belly button - I’m not entirely sure why were so obsessed with belly buttons... but they always made us giggle, especially as Claire’s was so cavernous. I wanted to text her after giving birth to Ada ‘Ive done my first poo & haven’t frank & beans’ed my stitches - hooray!’. I mean - you can’t put that on Facebook (and there you were thinking I didn’t have a filter - I really really do!!) & you definitely shouldn’t tell your husband - but I did, because I didn’t have Claire - sorry Jamie! Songs, film quotes & impressions, shared memories just aren’t the same with out her. Its just another blow, huge emptyness washes over me. It’s shit. 

I am a little socially awkward & don’t really know what to say at parties etc - I always relied on Claire to balance that out. Always. I felt confident knowing she was there & I could call her over as soon as I started internally panicking with the conversation She was always so bubbly with something funny to say. I didn’t realise how much I relied on that. At her funeral talking to her friends & getting a bit tongue tied I was scanning the room for Claire. The amount of times I almost said ‘Claire will be here soon’ & had to stop myself whilst smuggling a gut kick was laughable. Perhaps with every single person I spoke to. I didn’t wise up to the permanence of it. Even when the subject was her loss. 

I miss the confidence of having someone who always has your back. Who will not give a shit & contraversially or not - go up to the person who had been subtley been making my life hell & have it out with them because I couldn’t do it. Even if its at my wedding party, under the radar, with a smile on her face - attack like for bloody like. POW! She was amazing. You can pretty much guarantee if anyone has a bad word to say about Claire, its because she’s had it out with them & they know they deserved it & they didn’t like it. Its a good feeling having someone who will stick up for you when you are down. Who will not let you take shit. Its actually great feeling & Claire was brilliant. She was Scrappy Doo.

It’s also the small things, like me being so concerned with sunscreen & sun hats for Judy, I forgot my own & that’s particularly stupid, being ginger & all. Claire turns up with a Factor 50 for me that won’t make me feel like I’m wearing a jumper as she has heard me complain about this all my life. She sees I’m constantly in a quandry about the baby’s dummy falling on the floor & whether I need to steralise it, so she gets a clip for it & now it won’t fall- I never even knew those existed. Every time she visits she brings me my favourite sweets & every couple of months she comes with a pink pen & the newest photos of Judy printed to put in her Baby Book. I get frustrated by the constant questions like who was the best sportsperson of 2012 but simultaneously there is so much love & thought & effort being put in. I feel ungrateful, I was ungrateful & took everything for granted. She had paid attention to every little passing comment & one especially where I had said the smell a particular handwash/handcream reminds me of my nan & I can’t stop sniffing my hands, it makes me feel nice. Months later that is what I unwrap as a birthday present. I gushed with tears at the time & again, now, recalling it. Practically, emotionally, spiritually, she was there for me. It was impossible to be incompetent with Claire catching the balls I regularly dropped.

Coming up to Judy’s birthday I’m reminded of my time in hospital being induced. Claire had turned up with bags of stuff for Jamie & I. Her brilliant sandwiches in her own home made soda bread. My favourite sweets, lucozade for energy, chocolate of every description, an ipod with a playlist she had put together especially for me giving birth. ‘Listen to this one Sarah, it has a lot of energy for pushing’ handing me an ear phone, everything had turned to zigzags & I strain ‘fuck off’ mid contraction. I quickly apologise after. She had put in some pretty crap womens weeklies which were there to remind me that no matter how shit I feel during childbirth at least I’m not in a sexual relationship with the family dog. (I mean what the hell with these magazines? hahahaha). Making Jamie & I a weeks worth of food to put into the oven once we are home with the baby. Fantastic stews, pasta bakes, breads. She was right there all the time with support & fun.

Our wedding party night. She got Jamie & I a nights stay in a posh hotel. My mum & aunt looked after Judy. Claire had made us a picnic for the hotel. Again, home made sandwiches with homemade bread, crisps, champagne, wine, chocolate, coke for our hangovers. She was always treating us, always looking after us. Always there to make everything 100% better. 

As part of my hen do celebrations, where it is becoming maybe customary to provide a photo & memories of time spent (or misspent in youth!) with the hen or indeedy some marriage advice, Claire had decided instead, to ask people for poo stories for me!!! Ask some of you for poo stories, some of you she didn’t know too well & asked anyway with no filter or hesitation. Imagine getting an email out of the blue from your mates sister asking for an embarrassing personal poo story!!! She asked family too, including my 85 year old nan in Ireland! ‘Nan, Sarah LOVES poo stories, c’mon you MUST have one’ All the stories collated & put with photos of my friends & family & presented to me at the most amazing Hen do ever! I could barely read it for tears, tears of laughter but also tears of recognising how much work had gone into this & how much Claire knew how much I’d love this! It was amazing! I had won the lottery with this gift.

I’ve described my tantrums in a previous post where dealing with the frustrations of Claire’s illness was the cause of some of them. There was one caused by work exhaustion. It was 2010 I was senior designer to a new music festival. The pressure was crazy, other members of the team had broken down already, left entirely, the hours were crazy, the sheer amount of work for months in advance of the event was horrendous (16 hour days 7 days a week in those last weeks) but it was also perhaps one of my greatest achievements. I am surprised I held it together - well I did until we were physically in the throes of the festival having fun. I couldn’t find Jamie & that was it, the straw that broke the camels back - the panic that induced was enough to send me over the edge. There I was in my red rain coat and wellies, wobbling forwards & backwards whilst simultaneously gathering pitch to a scream. I threw myself on the floor just outside of the crowd of the main stage (!!) & was pounding & kicking the ground. My brother picked me up, I was a sobbing mess. Claire, who ran to look for Jamie came running over & said she had found him, she was giggling & beckoning to me with her finger. I follow her with those loud hiccupy gasps & she leads me to this, humungous black guy - nothing like Jamie! He opens his arms & smiles this huge smile & tells me ‘I am your Jamie, come, give me a hug’. My sobs turn to uncontrolled laughter - It was a great hug - I can’t imagine the amount of snot I put on this guy! Finally, a very happy smily oblivious Jamie came bounding over & everything was grand. And this, just another funny mad story about how great Claire was. Below is the photo of the gang trying to cheer me up & me all soppy.

The hole she has left is indescribably immense. We were spoiled by having such a giving selfless person in our lives & I was lucky to have been so close for her 31 years. I have to tell myself that her love was so huge & generous that the effect will touch me forever more. And our relationship is something that I can only encourage my own two girls to have with each other. 

[minervacasterly]

Jaime Lannister: The Knight in Shining Armor who soiled his honor for his fair sister:

Some 'A Song of Ice and Fire' fans think that Jaime is far better in the books than in the TV series and they are (partly) right. He is better there on some respects, but on others, he remains the same. A character you want to hate but can't because you think 'maybe there is still hope for him'. We don't know how the books and the series will end (yet). We have as many hypothesis as to what it might be, but everything will remain inconclusive until we see it on the TV or read it. In the meantime, I want to address the possible inspirations for Jaime Lannister, commonly known throughout the seven kingdoms as 'Kingslayer' for breaking his vows when he murdered his king by stabbing in the back.

The late Lord Eddard Stark, being the honorable man that he is, scoffs at Jaime when he tells him his reasons why he murdered his King. To Lord Eddard, like the saintliest of people in the late middle ages and early renaissance in Western Europe, you either do good and expect good things to come from a higher power, or do something evil and should be punished for it. There is no middle ground. (Ironically, his view on morality is as black and white as Jaime's twin, Cersei, is on politics.)

What he and many don't realize, or they don't want to understand is that had Jaime not killed Aerys, he would have gone ahead with his plan and burn all of King's Landing. Not only that, but the books make it clear he wanted to burn Jaime's father as well. Imagine if you were Jaime, a promising knight who gave up your entire future to be one of the knights in shining armor, protecting the realm, and is suddenly told 'hey kid, can you call your dad so I can burn him and then everyone else?' Would you go on and say 'Ok, I will because I am a loyal servant?' Of course not! And let's not forget that -as Cersei told her eldest son in season 1- when Robert Baratheon, Eddard Stark and the rest took arms against their king, they were rebels and a traitors. Since they won, they can rest easy and tell themselves they were violated their vows because Aerys was an evil lord who didn't deserve the crown.

Jaime is not a fan of politics, but he is not afraid to engage in them, or make threats to protect his family. He tells Edmure Tully, the Freys' captive whose wife just had a baby, that he would gladly kill him and what remains of his family to keep his beloved Cersei and their son safe. In the vein of Shakespeare where his characters, including those based on real people, are haunted by those they've hurt; Jaime receives a ghostly visitor who turns out to be none other than his mother who tells him that Tywin wished he would have children who would be feared, loved and respect. “We all dream of things we cannot have. Tywin dreamed that his son would be a great knight. That his daughter would be a Queen. He dreamed that they would be so strong and brave and beautiful that nobody would ever laugh at them.” Jaime shouts at her: “I AM A KNIGHT AND CERSEI IS A QUEEN!"

But then a tear rolls down her cheek, raises her hood and turns her back on him. Jaime calls to her but she never comes back.

Clearly, all of Tywins' hopes that were centered on his two eldest children, never came true. Yes, Jaime is a knight and Cersei is Queen but for how long? EVERYONE hates them. They have become the laughing stock of the seven kingdoms.

In the wars of the roses, there was one knight and courtier who was admired by many, sponsored many intellectual thinkers, including the printer William Caxton and commissioned many translations by other people. He also contributed to these intellectual effort by translating some classical and religious texts, and he was one of his eldest sister's fiercest supporters. His eldest sister was none other than Elizabeth Woodville, Edward IV's Queen. Many nobles came to hate the Woodvilles and saw them as social climbers. Elizabeth's extended family married many members of the old English nobility, tying them to Edward and by extension to his Queen. Much like the Lannisters, they were seen as a greedy bunch who were power hungry and whose two primary members, Elizabeth Woodville and her brother, Anthony, Earl of Rivers, encouraged Edward IV's vices which led to his death in 1483. Cersei was certainly behind her husband's murder but it wasn't just the wine and her cousin that killed him, but his vices. Much like Edward IV, Robert had become a shadow of his former self.

Then there is the Duke of Somerset, Edmund Beaufort who was briefly associated with the late Dowager Queen, Katherine of Valois. Katherine had been the wife of Henry V; after her husband died she sought to remarry and there were rumors that she and Edmund had grown close but the council was afraid that this would grant him too much power. A clause was introduced to prohibit the Queen Dowager from marrying without parliament's permission. Since that alleged relationship came to nothing, she looked somewhere else. Owen Tudor had been her husband's servant and was now part of her household. According to one legend, he fell on her lap and she became star struck by him, and the two instantly fell in love. Whether it is true or not, he must have caused an impression on her because the two married soon after. Over a decade after Catherine Valois died, Edmund Beaufort became one of the most influential people in Henry VI's government and a good friend of the Queen, Margaret of Anjou. After Margaret of Anjou became weary of Richard Plantagenet, Duke of York; she sought the advice of the Duke of Somerset and other allies. When she took up arms against the Yorkists, rumors circulated that her son was not really the King's but the late Duke of Somerset. In Game of Thrones, Ned can't decipher what his late mentor, Jon Arryn, tried to tell him with the message "the seed is strong" until he begins to look closely at the Queen's children and compares them to the King's bastards. All of Robert's bastards share the same traits, even if their mothers are fair. Black hair, blue eyes, tall; traits that Cersei's offspring don't have. Cersei confesses to Ned Stark that "thank the gods" her children are not Robert's and then warns him not to overstep his authority or else he will regret her. Like Margaret of Anjou after de la Pole and Edmund Beaufort died, and the Duke of York was made into her husband's heir (stripping her son of his birthright), she takes matters into her own hands. Her armies take the Duke of York, his second son, his nephew and brother-in-law by surprise. All four of them are killed, their heads stuck on poles as a warning to all Lancastrian enemies. Cersei doesn't want to take off Ned's head and instead (through Varys) convinces him to take the black but Joffrey thinks he should die anyway and orders Ser Illyn Payne to behead him.

Just what fate awaits Jaime? Will he be executed like Anthony as more people become angry towards the remaining Lannisters? Or will he become the Queenslayer, killing his sister as he sees her further descending into madness, or, will he be spared but doomed to spend the rest of his days in misery?

Images: Jaime Lannister in the season 6 finale, Anthony Woodville in The White Queen (2013) and Edmund Beaufort, Duke of Somerset and Margaret of Anjou in the Hollow Crown: Wars of the Roses (2016). If you want to learn more about the wars of the roses, I highly recommend Blood Sisters by Sarah Gristwood (which tells the women's stories), The Woodvilles by Susan Higginbotham, Wars of the Roses: The Fall of the Plantagenets and the Rise of the Tudors by Dan Jones, and Red Roses: from Blanche of Gaunt to Margaret Beaufort by Amy Licence.