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quarterfromcanon · 5 years ago

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27-29 for the get to know my favorites game

Hello, lovely! Thank you for these. :) Trios turned out to be a surprising challenge (I apparently have more favorite groups of four than three), but I’m pretty happy with the ones I remembered after giving it some thought. The final picks are under the cut! <3

Top 5 BROTPs

1. Paula Proctor & Rebecca Bunch (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) - Naturally, this was the immediate choice that sprang to mind. It’s the first relationship on the show I really fell in love with, and it’s the one friendship in the series that consistently tugs on my heartstrings. It’s flawed, complicated, and messy but the genuine connection underneath it all is strong enough that I’m hopeful they can work through their problems. I would’ve preferred to see more emphasis on that effort in the fourth season (and a lot more work on Rebecca’s friendships with Heather and Valencia as well), but I want to believe things improved between them after the finale.

2. Steve Harrington & Robin Buckley (Stranger Things) - The general public opinion of Steve Harrington has been on such a journey since Season 1, bringing him now to a status of common fan favorite. As such, I think a delicate balance needed to be struck in finding a suitable match to team up with him on adventures. This person needed to:

A) Have good chemistry in their interactions with Steve

B) Bring a new dynamic to the table that he didn’t already have with an existing connection

and most importantly

C) Be a unique and engaging character that the audience would care about individually, so they didn’t get lost in simply being an offshoot of Steve’s story. They couldn’t be relegated to perpetual sidekick with little else to define them.

As far as I’m concerned, Robin Buckley fits the bill on every account. She’s artistic, resilient, loyal, and - especially endearing to me - a movie buff. She has a quick wit, a sharp mind, and a big heart. Being friends with Robin helps Steve take the specter of his high school self less seriously so he can put it behind him, and she helps him more fully embrace the person he’s becoming in the wake of that lost status. Having Steve for a friend helps Robin resolve some lingering emotional scars from school as well. It gives her an opportunity to share her authentic self with a peer and - to her relief and ours - find acceptance after revealing a pretty important secret. I can’t wait to watch the two of them be adorably nerdy and goofy bros at Family Video in Season 4, presumably with some daring fights against dark forces when they’re off the clock. Does saying I hope Kali comes to Hawkins somehow and bonds with one or both of them mean I can speak that into existence? I’m doing that now. It’s worth a try. If it happens in some capacity when the time comes, know that I will throw a One Blogger Party of epic proportions.

3. Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught (Wynonna Earp) - I had to use this specific screencap because it perfectly encapsulates the chaotic energy that makes me loves these two together so much. Their separate approaches to their shared work environment are at pretty much polar opposite ends of the spectrum, but they make a pretty solid team when they play to each other’s strengths and communicate. They also both love Waverly most of all, so it feels like they were bound to work out their differences eventually since neither would want to make her feel torn between her sister and her girlfriend. The hijinks they get up to in each other’s company are just top shelf. I look forward to at least a little bit of fun like that from every season. If I wind up having a lasting partner later on down the road, it’d be cool if their personality balanced well with my sister’s on this level. I’d also be really happy if I ultimately gelled with her person in a way that sounded unlikely at first but worked. Fingers crossed for both outcomes, but I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

4. Emily Thorne [Amanda Clarke] & Nolan Ross (Revenge) - I have two things to quickly clarify for those who are unfamiliar with this show.

#1 She has two listed names because she was born Amanda Clarke but goes by Emily Thorne for most of the series to hide her true identity.

#2 Despite the impression this picture may give, Nolan is not marrying Emily; he is simply walking her down the aisle.

These two are there for each other through so much - the looming threat of discovery, jail time, capture, near death experiences, heartbreak, the passing of loved ones, etc. - and they make it to the other side with a deep bond the likes of which they’ll never experience with another person. It is at times heavily one-sided because of how much drama Emily deliberately dives into, but it’s something that she tries to make up for during her more self-aware and less self-involved times. There’s genuine love and mutual respect there by the finale and it’s really gratifying to witness the journey they’ve taken together.

[~Slightly spoiler-y closing statement after these brackets~] I was pretty sure I knew where the show was going with romantic ships by the end. I knew for certain it wasn’t my personal OTP for her because they’d already killed that person off quite some time ago. There was a part of me that could’ve found some contentment in leaving the story with these two as a couple. After all, one of my favorite ship dynamics is Reluctant Acquaintances to Best Friends to Lovers, but it was not to be. That being said, the platonic friendship they shared was a big part of the heart of the show and I cherish it for that. Nolan was a rare exception for Emily, a genuine bond formed in the years when she was tried to operate like her heart was made of stone. I also think working with Emily gave Nolan a sense of purpose and let him flourish in his area of expertise. I’m not sure how either of them would feel about the musical reference but, to slightly paraphrase from Wicked: because they knew each other, they have been changed for good.

5. Penelope Stamp & Bang Bang (The Brothers Bloom) - I have seen Rachel Weisz and Rinko Kikuchi in more roles since this movie than I had prior to watching it for the first time so, if anything, my fangirling over this friendship has gotten worse rather than more manageable. x) This post classified the film under the subgenre whimsical noir. It turns out that’s a style I instantly adore every time I stumble upon it. One of the titular brothers, Stephen, lives so deeply immersed in the variations of the world he writes for their heists that even those closest to him are essentially characters he can interact with on a daily basis. His feelings for them as people can get very muddled with his feelings for them as interesting OCs to move through narratives. A big trouble with this is that his living archetypes can often get reduced to clichés. He’s not always mindful of their nuances or allowing for the full range of their autonomy. Penelope is selected by Stephen to serve as the “manic pixie dream girl” who will be his brother Bloom’s forever love and Bang Bang is essentially presented as a “dragon lady” stereotype. I haven’t done a rewatch in years so I may be giving the movie too much credit here, but I remember this choice feeling at least semi-deliberate. It could be interpreted as a way to illustrate how Stephen warps real life to fit his vision. At least, I can definitely remember scenes that felt like they debunked the one-note assessments of these two. What I genuinely love, though, are the little moments when Penelope and Bang Bang are able to just spend time together with little to no interference from Stephen or Bloom. They share their hobbies and teach each other new skills. It feels like they truly perceive one another as whole human beings on a level that neither guy is capable of doing since they’re both so immersed in the drama of the plot. When the women are with each other, they get to be more than an extension of the men who maneuver them; they get to be themselves. Penelope is the only one Bang Bang clearly wants to maintain contact with once the heist is finished. I think that says a lot. Honestly, this is another BROTP that could slide to OTP. If someone wrote fic of them completely severing ties with the brothers and going off on their own - romantically or platonically - I wouldn’t be upset at all.

Top 5 Trios

1. Luke, Leia, & Han (Star Wars Episodes IV - VI) - Oh dear, I’m overwhelmed just looking at a picture of them together. Star Wars has been a part of my life since childhood. Getting to watch the original trilogy felt like a rite of passage (when I was really little, Mom used to find things for us to do outside the room while Dad watched because she was afraid some of it might scare me). Princess Leia resounded with me on a level that almost no other fictional royalty has ever quite matched. Han’s wardrobe is still some serious #aestheticgoals and I would 100% wear replicas of his jackets and vests if I had them. I also remember thinking that Luke’s new look in Return of the Jedi was SO COOL with the all-black wardrobe and green lightsaber. Wow, imagine that, an edgy costume change that shared vibes with the common Disney villain color palette called to me as a baby fan of antagonists and antiheroes! Who ever could have foreseen that sudden spike in appreciation? :P Anyway, one of my lingering sorrows about the more recent trilogy is that we never got to see all three of them as aged adults in each other’s company. I still wanted our new cast to get their time to shine, of course, but I do lament the absence of at least one little trio reunion.

2. Luna, Neville, & Ginny (Harry Potter series) - The Silver Trio, pictured here with the first set of three that comes to mind when thinking about the books and movies. I do still love Harry, Ron, and Hermione, but I’ve found a growing appreciation for this other team-up over the years. They’ve been through a lot too, even if they are not always present where the main action is. Bullying, loss of parents, manipulation of the mind and body, abuse at the hands of authority figures - they’re all left with internal (and probably external) scars to bear. There’s also something to be said for how strong they all were in the school year set during Deathly Hallows, when the Golden Trio wasn’t around to inspire and unite those who wanted to stand up to ever-increasing tyranny. It can be easy, unfortunately, for them to get written off based on the oversimplified stereotypes that have gotten associated with them. People remember Luna as being weird and spacey, Neville as awkward and hapless, and Ginny as bland and lovestruck. They’re all far more nuanced than that, and they accomplish great things while fighting for and beside their friends. I’m planning on doing a re-read of the books at some point, and I really look forward to revisiting these brave kids.

3. Irma, Marion, & Miranda (Picnic at Hanging Rock) - Ah, yes, my very recently discovered darlings. I have many thoughts about them all. I’ll try to keep this as condensed as I can while still making sense. Some spoilers will follow, although those won’t answer every question the story poses. There are audience members who ship the above characters as a throuple, which I totally get, but for me it’s like soulmates of a different kind. These three have met at a point in their lives when they all burn with compatible intensity. They long for the same dream version of youth, for a way to begin life free from the confines of a world that won’t accept all their hearts contain. While the people that surround them may not be willing to bend the rules, nature itself appears to show them mercy. How often do we see a story of girls who just... love other women so much that a sacred location goes, “Y’know what? I’m gonna help you escape your restrictive society. Permanently.” This miniseries definitely depicts the setting as being involved in messing with the investigation, as a mystical place that befuddles unwanted intruders. I love the way these three fortify each other in times of pain and fear, and there’s something deeply moving about how standing side-by-side helps them defy the odds.

4. Sarah, Alison, & Cosima (Orphan Black) - Okay so, technically, when I picture our core team in this show, the net is a little wider. My mind tends to also include Felix, Mrs. S., Kira, Helena, Donnie, Delphine, and Scott. However, I think you could kinda argue that those characters have a stronger connection to one of the above three than they do to the other two. Thus, this ends up being the central triangle. They’re all such solid performances and the fact they’re all played by the same person is incredibly impressive (not to mention the, like, twelve other clones Tatiana brings to life throughout the series). Watching them go from tense strangers to sestras was wonderful. I’m glad they had each other through the increasingly complicated web of lies and schemes they had to unravel and survive.

5. Galavant, Sid, & Isabella (Galavant) - Remember how James Marsden was in Enchanted? If you dialed down the deliberately cartoonish quality of that performance and allowed for more not-so-G-rated humor, I feel like you’d have a general sense of what Galavant is like as a character. Sid is his squire and Isabella is a princess whose mission happens to combine with Galavant’s, albeit fueled by different driving motivations. They find themselves involved in a lot of shenanigans because of Galavant - even in his own universe, he’s into the whole dashing knight thing more than is strictly necessary - but they make a fun little team to follow through the world of this musical television series. I’ve gotten fuzzy on the details since I watched it air live four years ago, but I remember the series being enough of a summer feel-good time that I’d be game to revisit the show again someday.

Top 5 Family Relationships

1. Stevie Budd & The Roses (Schitt’s Creek) - The whole fish-out-of-water setup for this series was already pretty fun in and of itself, especially given how outlandish their lifestyles evidently were before the show begins. The thing that makes it special, though, is how the absence of all their expensive distractions finally helps them prioritize being a family. The Roses do a lot of work to reconcile who they were with who they find themselves becoming in the present. It’s sweet to see them collectively conclude that growing closer to each other is one of the few things they do not regret in the slightest. They also silently agree to adopt Stevie along the way and, boy, does that give me a lot of Big Feelings, particularly in the later seasons.

2. River Song & The Ponds (Doctor Who) - I think it’s been like seven years or so, give or take, since I watched Doctor Who with any regularity. These three have resurfaced in my mind many times since then. They all love with such fierce and unwavering devotion, spanning lifetimes. It’s fascinating - and often heartbreaking - to learn about the things they’ve experienced and endured. Oh gosh, and once the show reveals how River’s story overlaps with theirs, and you pay attention to how she looks at them, IT HURTS but it’s so engaging to watch. The emotions are all flooding back just remembering them now. Argh, what great characters... </3

3. The Tico Sisters (Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi) - Rose appears in two installments of the third trilogy, but this is the episode that has both Tico daughters. We never get to see them interact onscreen in the film, but I still feel the bond between these sisters so intensely. I found out later that Kelly was present for the filming of Paige’s death scene (which happens so early in the movie that it doesn’t feel like a big spoiler - please forgive me if it is). I’m glad that was something they decided to do behind-the-scenes, because it definitely informs Rose’s grief. She’s sitting in the dark, picturing her big sister’s final moments with such horribly vivid detail that it feels like she was there, and yet she can’t do anything to change how it ends. The shape of the sisters’ necklaces immediately establishes that they were a unit even when acting independently, that they felt like two halves of a whole - all they had left of their family. Now there is only one, and that fact is a weight around Rose’s neck both figuratively and literally. It serves as a visual reminder of how she carries Paige’s absence always, trying to discover and embrace who she is on her own while still honoring the memory of a relative she loved so deeply. I think she reaches the end of Episode VIII feeling like she’s someone of whom her sister would be quite proud. I’m very proud of her, too.

4. The Tyler Siblings (Wonderfalls) - Jaye is comically different than the rest of her family, and the show establishes that right out the gate when we learn that she’s the only one whose name doesn’t rhyme with the rest (left to right, the others are Karen, Sharon, Darrin, and Aaron, respectively). Her relationships with her parents could certainly lead me off on some analytical tangents but, predictably, it’s the sibling stuff that interests me more. I think it could be said that all three do more living inside their heads than they do out in the world, and that they’ve all grown up to be borderline loners (Ironically Jaye, who is considered the most troubled, is the only one I remember being shown to have formed and maintained a friendship). Aaron’s a very philosophical and analytical person, so you get the sense he talks to himself more than to others, although he still manages to resurface from those deep contemplations so he can goad and tease his sisters from time to time. Sharon is high-strung, competitive, and brings that “disaster lesbian” energy to basically every social interaction she has. Jaye’s standoffishness seems to stem from both the difficulty of fitting in with people and the fear that connections will fall apart once they manage to form at all. They’re all just messes trying to make the best out of the situations they face, and I appreciate that. I also enjoy how prominently the Jaye and Sharon sister bond features throughout the show’s only season. It starts out on pretty rocky ground, but they grow a lot in regard to how willing they are to communicate and express their love for one another.

5. The Brothers Proctor (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) - The family dynamics in their house are in need of some serious work, without a doubt. I’m just really touched by how close these two have become without Paula’s notice. It’s possible they always were, in that we-fight-but-we-care way that siblings can often be, but the supportive side of that really moves to the forefront as they get older in the series and it warms my heart. There’s such a glaring difference between The Household As Paula Views It and Things That Are Happening While She’s Not Paying Attention. I can’t help using fic as a way to explore that. I happily find excuses for her sons to make pop-in appearances, just to check up on them. I'm so pleased that, as of Season 4, they seem to have become fairly well-adjusted in spite of everything. Oh, and I am still not over the revelation that they attend renaissance festivals together, in character, for fun. What precious cuties who would no doubt dislike me referring to them as such! Paula, please give them an extra hug from me!

#About Me #Answered Asks

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mossflowermouse · 5 years ago

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Second ‘When Christ and His Saints Slept’ reaction post (part one here), covering chapters 11 to 20 aka the bit where I start shipping actual historical figures for the first time ever (other than Wars of the Roses-era people, but that’s different because they were actually married and it wasn’t a ship ship in the same way these are. Anyway.)

Chapters XI and XII:

Annora and Ranulf still love each other :) and they found a loophole so they can get married when Maude's queen! I really should've remembered about that plight-troth. Now a bit worried about all the ways this could go wrong, not least because I'm aware Maude doesn't become queen, but that was really sweet and I'm glad they're happy and things have been resolved (ish)

UGH, GEOFFREY. He's being awful about Maude and Henry's overhearing :(

Between the odd mentions of her here and what little I know about her historically, I'm so excited for when Eleanor of Aquitaine shows up!

Whoops, Chester. Genuine anger and a lack of mercy from Stephen may be a rare thing, but I have a feeling this has crossed the line.

I like it when Maude has interactions with people she likes and trusts - her brothers, Adeliza, and now Brien. It's good.

...okay I might be starting to ship this.

Oh dear I'm definitely shipping this. It's impossible and a mess and they both (Maude especially) seem like they'd rather be swallowed by the earth than actually admit to feelings, but it's so sweet and they trust each other so much and must have such a long shared history? Help?

And also lbr this is just That One Dynamic that absolutely kills me in every piece of media. The mutual trust, the quiet but unbreakable loyalty, the circumstances making things so difficult for them? This is absolutely my thing.

This might be the first time I've actually shipped people who existed. Like, there were some good moments in TSiS but all with people who were actually couples in real life. But with this, I don't know many of the specifics, I have no idea what happens to Brien and only know slightly more about Maude. This is strange.

AAAAAHH. Maude you can't do this to my heart. You just can't.

Chapter XIII:

I like Robert.

Hmmm. Looking at both sides' chances in this battle, and knowing Stephen gets captured at some point during the Anarchy, I have a feeling I know how this will end.

Why does it feel like the awful déjà vu of this part was intentional. This is making me have Bosworth-related emotions all over again.

Okay, wow, that was all quite a lot to take in. Chester's plan was good, and I'm grateful that he saved Robert; wasn't expecting William of Ypres of all people to flee*; Stephen's determination is also making me remember Bosworth in TSiS; I liked the bit with him and Robert and Ranulf at the end.

Chapters XIV and XV:

Aww, family (Maud and Robert and Ranulf)

Maude :')

Matilda just found out about Stephen :(

Maude's going to have trouble winning over the people. London's apparently still loyal to Stephen, and their favour was often an advantage in struggles like this war (looking at you, Edward IV)

I'm feeling more sorry for Constance with every scene she's in or mentioned. Things just keep getting worse for her.

William de Ypres just showed up; Matilda is (understandably) furious about the Battle of Lincoln and letting him know it.

Alliance time! This is one of the things I was vaguely aware of before starting the book, and the anticipation of it has been a lot of fun. Also, I like how honest he’s being here - he made a choice, realised/decided it was the wrong one, and is making no excuses, instead being clear that he wants to try and make things right. The contrast with, say, Bishop Henry’s total lack of self-awareness (or maybe it’s wilful ignorance?) about his moral bankruptcy is wonderful.

Chapters XVI and XVII:

My ship! They're interacting!

HAND. KISSES. My weakness. I know they're the norm and not necessarily romantic at this time but still.

I am deceased. This ship has killed me and they've only had two direct conversations.

Bishop Henry is possibly about to switch sides. Again. I ought to keep track of who’s betrayed both sides the most times (probably him right now).

It's been four months since Matilda joined forces with William de Ypres to try and save Stephen, I wonder what they've been up to? (They haven’t been mentioned in the novel since then)

Everything about this:

and then THIS:

I love this conversation for so many reasons. Most of which involve Maude and Brien because apparently now I’ve dedicated my life to being emotional about them.

Matilda!!! It’s been too long.

Okay, so based on Northumberland's thoughts:

hmmm, new ship?

they're using nicknames they're being familiar this feels like a Big Deal for people in their position at that time. It’s certainly a level of informality that very few others have in the book so far.

Wait they just mentioned a Thomas Becket. Is he that Thomas Becket? I know his feud was with Henry II, whose reign begins in about fourteen years, so it's possible.

I love every mention of the chronicles. It's really cool having the regular narration of the novel interspersed with little pieces of old accounts.

I also love the little moments like Ypres here and his quiet admiration of/confidence in Matilda.

Chapter XVIII:

Not content to just leave me to deal with my feelings from the last few pages, the chapter opens with this:

Immediately following that last part, we now switch to Matilda’s thoughts about de Ypres? He’s trying to hide his exhaustion and she’s not having it? Literally standing over him to make sure he eats? Fond??? Yup, I'm definitely invested in it now. These relationships will be the death of me.

Stephen listing Ypres as one of the people who he could never expect to help Matilda :')

And he's just found out about their alliance!

The guard saying "No one knows how your lady won him over" before being cut off is just really funny. I'm just picturing all of England in total confusion about how Matilda managed to get this cynical, battle-scarred mercenary's unwavering loyalty after Stephen couldn't manage the same. Just. The entire country, collectively looking at this alliance and going '???'

"I had my own miracle all along. I'd married her!" Stephen you cinnamon roll you're completely right

Maude and Brien Maude and Brien Maude and Brien Maude and Brien Maude and Brien Maude and Brien

:DDDD

...I have become hopelessly obsessed. This book has two ships that are my favourite dynamic. Two. This is turning into Code Geass all over again.

(The dynamic is "mutual trust, admiration and respect; if there are romantic feelings, they might be ambiguous and possibly not acted on for any one of a number of reasons, most of which can be summed up as ‘external circumstances getting in the way’; absolute loyalty through thick and thin; help each other grow and get through difficulty; one or both is probably also a little scarred by the world". Bonus points if they have a long history, or any period of time spent together that’s not fully described in canon and can therefore be speculated about.)

Chapter XX (and some reflections on XIX):

The thing about recognising Matilda’s habits:

made me think immediately of this post

Hell yeah teaming up to get Chester to leave.

Ypres just internally being like “oh god I’m actually caring about someone’s emotional wellbeing what is this what do I do”:

(also “the one man she trusted not to lie to her” is sweet but it’s also kind of upsetting that Matilda’s surrounded by allies and yet knows she can’t fully trust most of them)

my heart???

Some of my favourite ships are the ones where I don’t even know if I see it as platonic or romantic, just that these people have such deep affection and trust for each other and it’s wonderful. This is absolutely one of those ships.

I’ve not written anything about the destruction(s) of Winchester, mainly because this book is once again difficult to put down, but suffice to say that it’s pretty harrowing. Seeing things from the perspectives of Maude and Matilda, who haven’t witnessed this side of the war up close before and are feeling responsible for everything awful that’s happening, as well as Ranulf, who’s similarly horrified and hasn’t seen this kind of destruction before, possibly makes it even worse. Also I love the occasional scenes from the point of view of ordinary citizens – it really makes the wider effects of this civil war between cousins sink in. This may have begun as a personal tragedy for Maude, Stephen and their loved ones, but it’s become a catastrophe affecting so many more people across England, Normandy, Anjou…the fact that the narrative brings in the thoughts of people from all across society in recognition of this is one of the things that makes this book so good imo.

Okay, so I’m getting very attached to quite a lot of these people and it’s occurred a few times that I don’t actually know the dates of death for anyone except Stephen. But because this is history and also the first book in a trilogy spanning many decades and the characters are (as far as I know) not immortal, they’re all going to die at some point. I just don’t know when. There is no way to be prepared for the sadness that this book and its sequels will bring.

OH NO RANULF

At this point he should really just stop trying to break into nunneries. As Gilbert mentioned, it never seems to go well.

Wait, if they’re specifying not to kill Ranulf does that mean everyone else who was with him was killed? FEAR

Okay good there are more survivors

That fire was awful. Although I’m going to keep in mind that Gilbert and Marshal are only dead according to the people outside the church – the narration moved away from them when Marshal lost his eye, so there’s still hope (albeit not much). Also, this really showed both sides of de Ypres – he’s managed to be merciful and ruthless in the same paragraph.

Ancel!

And Ranulf is free, but with a hefty dose of survivor’s guilt.

Awww, Maude’s really openly relieved he’s safe. Robert too.

Gilbert’s alive too! I’d suspected but wasn’t sure. Glad for him and Ranulf that they’ve got each other back.

*I’d known that he’d abandoned a battle at some point before allying with Matilda, but had thought that referred to his feud with Robert during the Normandy campaign, which was briefly mentioned earlier, so this came as a surprise.

#when christ and his saints slept #sharon penman #witness my slow descent into madness #a solid 90% of which is thanks to about five characters #and the realisation that this book contains That Dynamic #that I'm always weak for #iz.txt #penmanblogging

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gg-astrology · 5 years ago

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🌊

Hello!❤️💙🖤 Dropping in a little bit today bc I had? some stray thoughts about scorpios ;; ❤️💙🖤

Scorpios and the idea of ‘black and white’ ⬇️

- adapting, personal identity and 'open-mindedness’

Alternatively NOT for scorpios, but for anyone who struggles to be ‘open-minded’ enough.

Or struggle with ‘accepting’ things right now ( ‘want to be better’ )

🚫long post 🚫

y know.. ive just been thinking about -- well, myself. And how i AM a black and white kind of person. As most people are?

Most of us tend to think of ‘black and white’ as connotation for being bad nowadays, we don’t usually like to admit it. Rather, we usually go ‘no no im not -- im not like that im open-minded and trying to be understanding’ - which isn’t exactly what black and white might be like to the person?

I’m black and white in a way that I know who I am, and I know what I’m comfortable with. My space is big and small at the same time -- it’s not just me, but others as well. The people and the circumstances, the environment around me in my space and what i consider to be spaces i’m into.

I think that within this space - I’m comfortable with getting to know new things, of accepting it, or being good and nice and comforting around it. Anything that pops into my stream of comfortability - of course I’d be wary of it at first -because this is a safe space. But it can integrate, assimilate into my space. It can be loved and it can be accepted. It doesn’t mean that you stay stuck in your own head - to me - black and white just means I have a flow for myself and I have to integrate it into me before I push it out into the stream.

It’s kind of like a stream with a flow of it’s own - water rushing, one direction, sometimes it gets big or small. It’s just the general idea of being comfortable in the different spaces of that stream because it’s your stream.

I get uncomfortable if this space co-joins with another stream - another group of consciousness or people. It’s the different water temperature that gets me - sometimes maybe this new stream is cold - so cold that when it meets my stream (the one I’m familiar with) - I need to adjust to the new temperatures. It rucks up my sedimentary banks as well, things beneath the grounds, it ruffles the little organisms, treasures, things and brings it up. Evaluate it, turn it into a new leaf that I’m not prepared for/don’t know what they’re going to do with it.

It’s very human to need time to adjust. Since your body doesn’t do well if you’re suddenly pulled into freezing cold temperature and a flow of water is moving in a different direction. Gut-reactions, impulses. These things (knowing you’re not prepared/used to it) keeps you safe and on your feet (as well as being pretty Scorpio and Martian as well).

Motion exists - this new stream might be pulling in a different direction, you can’t stop your body from being pulled to a different rotation. You get dizzy if you’re the flow of the water. That’s just - how we can’t control certain things and how we have to adapt to it. How our biological body adapts but it needs time to do so (cool down/warm up).

Sometimes it’s the expectations that we have to accept something immediately, when we don’t understand the meaningfulness of the purpose, of the concept to the other person.

Most of the time, we have some pre-conceived ideas and concepts, we’ve assimilated we have to break down in order to get through to accept new ones.

I don’t think having it is not not being open-minded? I think it’s very? what? consumerism? fast-consumerism? to expect things to happen just like that.

Like oh just accept it (which can be good! and what is needed !) - but sometimes, the meaning behind it gets lost. Those who does this can still act out of ignorance because they don’t understand the true significance behind it. And they end up hurting the person after they accepted it, because they don’t actually understand it or stand by it- hesitance and not knowing yourself, sometimes kinda sucks to feel about your own person.

Adapting to things always takes time. Maybe this stream is slower than our stream - things that we aren’t used to or isn’t a part of us yet.

Imagine a different case/scenario. If we didn’t have this - like, if we just expect people to adapt to different streams intersection into our lives all the time. We’d be totally dizzy and ill-prepared, we’d be off our footing all the time.

With no idea of who we are, our own sense of identity and assimilation of the goal behind it into our core-values. How are we supposed to integrate into being a better person, if we never actually commit to understanding the concept + adding it into what we value/sense of identity?

Sometimes it’s harder to not know our own identity, because we’re swayed by so many motions. Than it is to just think about swimming in different pulls of streams all the time.

Some people do well when they ARE prepared to jump into different streams, different intersectionality. But thats because 1) they’re prepared and 2) that’s inherently a part of who they are and learning about things, gathering stuff. More yang-signature than yin of nature to me.

If I were to say who I am - I’m more prepared to go ‘ok, i’m dizzy.’ and set my foot down. To open up and make the stream settle into one, cohesive lake. Where there is a pull and language, understanding for it all (for the different intersectionality) and mediate from there instead.

Everybody wants to love, and to comfort and accept. I hope nobody actually wants to keep good things out of their lives if they can’t help it (well, healthily anyways).

But rather than just gobbling up and saying ‘i accept’ over and over, in order to be ‘open-minded’ without truly understanding the significance behind it (the whole story) - sometimes we need time to understand something, to adjust, to look out and tread cautiously so we don’t get hypothermia or burnt. And that’s sometimes a part of self-preservation and/or attack or defenses.

Does this make sense? Next time you think about Scorpios - try thinking about water flowing in a direction. Streams can help, whether some part of it is big or small. Things live in streams, micro-organism, fishes, etc. It curves and it follows, it’s a strong current that has it’s own path.

Bending that path by man-made effort, requires understanding and respect - mostly of its original stream. The significance of the stream’s original responsibility - to other organism, to things it dutifully carries over its waters towards, nourishing trees and it’s resources, animals that are too nervous to be around humans. There’s more to it than what we see - or what we want it for our immediate benefit personally. Rather than jumping into the fray and seeing it from our own perspective/wants/needs only, some sights and consideration for what it does might help to aggravate them a little less.

Black and white doesn’t mean it’s automatically unaccepting. Black and white can also mean there needs to be some understanding in-between, takes time to adapt, to seek out/find resources, some clearing of space, to make room for the new things to come in. Things when they are secured (like a lake/pond - Scorpio fixed sign) are cohesive and uniformed. Sometimes it requires pausing in order to be accepted, to settle and to see where things land.

Adapting sometimes doesn’t happen like a snap of your fingers for everyone, and we probably shouldn’t expect it cold water to clash with hot water and there not to be steam coming off from it. But that doesn’t ultimately mean that there won’t be changes - whether its done by the person or those who evoke those changes themselves.

Sometimes it’s saying one thing - but then going through to evaluate the thought, the turmoil inside - and then coming out the other end accepting it. I think that’s what it’s like for me - I’m not an all-accepting, open-minded person either - but that’s because I’m human and I need to adapt.

I need time, and to make space inside myself, to evaluate things inside of me in order to do so. And I think that’s something most people can do. Or should do? in their life maybe.

The archetype of Scorpios.. I’ve been thinking alot about as well. How Scorpio’s greatest attack is their defenses, the resilience that makes them seem almost impossible to stop.

In their gift of realizing deception, rejecting hollowness and seeing through shallow facades, Scorpios are not afraid to expose realty for what it is; they are the emissaries of a more complete sense of truth than many of us are prepared to contemplate, the penetrating aspects of it often being too painfully sharp for comfort.

There’s a part where Scorpio and Virgos are very similar. And I think I’m mostly gathering my understanding about this from a very Virgo Mars perspective.

I do think the idea of Scorpios being black and white + sediments being rucked up when soil underwater is disturbed, can talk a lot about being protective of things that shouldn’t be quickly consumed. We can sometimes be too impatient, so quick to want others to explain things or be/communicate or understand things just like us. But people aren’t always - not all are the same.

Some people needs time, hot meeting cold water, water flowing in different directions. These things takes time, especially if you think about the body of water actually housing banks of organism underneath it’s watery body. If you walk in - even if it’s well-intended- trying to pull the stream towards yourself, sometimes you don’t know what significance it has, this is just asking for everyone involved, to put in the consideration and thoughtfulness for the nature (of others) around them as well.

Anyways! Yeah, this is some thoughts. ;; I tried to go over it a couple of times. Here’s more about Scorpio and it’s qualities, archetype if you’re interested. It’s where the above excerpt came from as well. I hope this comes across well, and give you some kind of hope, peace or calmness if that’s what it comes down to.

In conclusion for those who feels like they are struggling: know yourself first, before you learn to know/accept/learn about others. Sometimes the struggle is just us being pulled taunt in different streams, different temperature and we’re reacting to it. Let our bodies adapt and let our mind (gut or feelings) assimilate the idea on our own terms.

Sometimes we’re putting up a struggle because we’re trying to 1) assimilate the idea in and 2) know ourselves as well. Those two things can be at odds, and cause up a reaction (just like steam when temperatures met).

If there’s things we need more time on, or things we don’t brush off, we struggle to work through. There’s more chances of coming out of this much more self-loving, accepting and understanding the significance much better processed. It takes time, but know yourself. Whether you’re stuck in a rut and you’re more of a jumping stream person, or whether you’re a calm-water person and is stuck in between water flow that’s different. Let’s learn to know ourselves a little better and adapt as we’re prepared for it.

#personal #psa #update #scorpio #scorpios #virgos #honestly can u tell im a capricorn #makes me think that the easier assimilated #like pisces and cancer #or capricorn and virgo #are like #things that comes into the stream of Scorpio #they'll have favourites and those they enjoy in their waters #as well as those theyre like damn can i kick this b out #but thats #like #pretty neat isnt it #to think about it this way sometimes #anyways

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ty-talks-comics · 6 years ago

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Best of DC: Week of June 5th, 2019

Best of this Week: Justice League #25 - Scott Snyder, James Tynion IV, Jorge Jimenez, Alejandro Sanchez and Tom Napolitano

The Year of the Villain is upon us.

The book begins with Clark in his youth, impatient and wanting to solve all of his problems by using his power, but being told to be patient by Pa Kent. Cutting to the future where he and Jon can’t light a lamp in Pa Kent’s honor, he’s drenched in rain under the cover of night. In the present an emaciated Superman floats through the Sixth Dimension in total darkness, left there by the glistening White Superman of the Utopia created by the World Forger.

Elsewhere, the League fights their future selves in an amazing action sequence by Jimenez and Sanchez. The clashing of ideals is in full force as these perfect beings from different eras fight each other for the future. Our Justice League fights with the fury of youth, uncompromising in their belief that a future where the lives of billions are lost in order to achieve justice is no future at all. The Future League, however, with their vast experience and tainted souls fight with certainty, knowing that their world has no pain or injustice.

Their battle is captured excellently through sheer scale and intensity as the book rumbles on. Wonder Woman knows what she’s capable of taking and throws down on her older self with punches and kicks befitting a warrior with the heavy impacts to match. Lantern Stewart has an architectural mind, but his older self has obviously come across bigger, but doesn’t count on the flash decking him right in the mouth. The Flash himself doesn’t see it coming when he catches a flurry from himself and who I believe to be Wally and Bart as they phase in and out of existence.

Martian Manhunter uses his shapeshifting abilities to become something out of any Kaiju movie as he tears through the city and himself. Batman… dear God Batman and his beautiful Bat-Mech. The machine is over designed with sharp edges, a bright white color scheme with a gold Bat logo and big dumb Bat wings, but it is AMAZING to look at. Appearing to be on the side of the World Forger, he tells the team to see the Light, telling them to listen to his words and imagine light as they get beat down by their future selves.

Back in the Sixth Dimension, Batman thinks back to the light ceremony and how the League was there to help him and Jon and suddenly lights begin to appear, not just any lights… suns. In what may be one of the greatest sequence of pages in the last few issues of Justice League, (and there have been some great ones) Superman is reenergized. He dives through one sun and then another and another, regaining the hope and strength that he is so known for and rushes towards his friends,

The World Forger readies his hammer to strike this future reality into existence until he feels the vibration. He tells Future Lois Lane to shoot it down, but she sees the “S” and begins to cry. Flash sees him, Diana, J’onn and especially Bruce as Superman RAGES INTO THE BATTLE AND WITH A SINGLE, WORLD EXPLODING, PUNCH puts and end to the World Forger’s machinations.

Instead of destroying the World Forger in that instant, he extends his hand, telling him that there is another way to save the Multiverse if he joins the Justice League. Batman had his suspicions of the future the whole time and upon learning of Superman’s fate, decided to give him a chance to find his way back to his friends and if he didn’t then the Utopia was meant to be, but he always knew that Clark would find a way. Clark focused on hope and the happy memories. He knew that there was always another way and that the World Forger’s ideas that there was only one path or a few that involved him fighting against the Justice League were misguided and that there was one he hadn’t considered; joining them.

Before jumping into the latter 1/3rd of the book, I have to praise this book for having such a satisfying conclusion to this arc. I love that the League didn’t just have to vanquish another threat, but gained a new ally in their fight against the coming Doom. The art was amazingly frenetic and bright with the colors popping in ways that made everything all the more epic and badass. Shading and detailing made everything seem so much more inspiring and dire at times, which is exactly what this needed with special praise going to the single splash page of Superman roaring his arm back for a Real Superman Punch.

Things finally coalesce with the second story of this issue written by James Tynion IV and drawn by new series regular artist, Javier Fernandez. Paying off the events of the Year of the Villain One-Shot, Lex Luthor has made his plea to the people of Earth. After the Legion of Doom saves the world from a raging Mxypytlk, Lex tells them what a mess of things the Justice League made of the Source Wall. He encourages the citizens of the world to shun the League and become Villains just like him as it’s the only way to save themselves since the heroes obviously can’t.

The people are listening and have already started rioting in the streets. Unlike in The Last Knight on Earth, the League has hope. The World Forger hopes to gain the aid of his brothers, the Monitor and the Anti-Monitor. Starman hopes to gain the aid of other heroes from the Multiverse. Wonder Woman wishes to stay on Earth and utilize the Largest League that there has ever been and J’onn says that they have to do it all. At the same time, after his supposed Death, Lex brings himself back to life in a strange body, saying that Doom is just beginning.

I have never been more excited for Justice League than I am now, especially given how widespread this story will be. There are hints of the same kind of scale as Jonathan Hickman’s run on Avengers, with every small thing in every tangential book affecting some part of the larger narrative and that’s the kind of storytelling that I adore. Offers are going to be going out to every villain in the DC Universe and things are only going to be more intense from here on out and I am here for it.

HIGH Recommend.

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Slade Wilson is dead.

Runner Up: Deathstroke: R.I.P. #44 - Christopher Priest, Fernando Pasarin, Ryan Winn, Jeremy Cox and Willie Schubert

With a large crowd of mourners, we get an idea of how respected and reviled the Terminator was in the larger DC Universe, or at the very least, in the realm of villainous circles. Talia al Ghul bids him farewell and says that he will be welcomed in hell. Red Lion, Priests pastiche of Black Panther, pays his respects to “de ultimate wheelon.” Raptor, Killer Frost and Deadshot all show up to pay respects, with Deadshot saying that he always thought he'd be the one to take Wilson out and how he feels cheated.

Dr. Ikon, who was put into a coma by Jericho and subsequently hunted by Slade for daring to have a relationship with his son shows up and wishes Slade had at least given him his eye back. Even his ex-wife, Adeline Kane cries as she views the funeral, damming him for dying even after all of mess they've put each other through.

The Legion of Doom appears and tries to assert their dominance over the crowd, but remain calm as Sinestro remarks that Deathstroke was one of the few that could legitimately stand with the group as he analyzes the body.

Superman, who Deathstroke fought all the way back in issue #8, appears above the proceedings to make sure that everything stays cordial amongst the many attendees. Meanwhile, Jericho, angry that his father's even getting a funeral, tries to goad Superman into bringing all of the villains in attendance down, but Superman disagrees. He says that no one is committing and crime and the boy just gets angrier.

At the Titan's base, Red Arrow tries to comfort Damian, telling him that Deathstroke's death wasn't his fault and that even though Damian wanted him dead, Emiko had to be the one to loose the arrow. Unbeknownst to either, Jericho takes over Emiko's body and attacks Damian, cursing them for killing Deathstroke before taking over Kid Flash's body soon after.

For the entirety of this run, we've seen how negative Slade and Jericho's relationship is. Jericho hates his father and that has poisoned his entire life. Knowing he's being mourned pisses off the former Titan, but hearing that another Titan was the one that killed him sends him into a rage. It's similar to his heel turn in Geoff Johns spectacular Teen Titans run in the mid 2000s where he didn't want more kids to suffer, but this time he's the one suffering.

At the same time, Rose Wilson attacks people dressing up as her father as his face is shown all over screens in a city and Detective Gordon tells her that Slade wouldn't have wanted her to follow in his footsteps as he was told by Wintergreen, echoing the most early issues of Deathstroke, like #4 - #5 I believe

.continuing his rage, Jericho, in Kid Flash's body attacks Sinestro, who uses his Ultraviolet ring to tap into Jericho's repressed emotions and fires upon the crowd. Doctor Light reveals that Superman was just a projection and disables Jericho and the Legion ponders what to do with the boy. With Deathstroke dead, the Legion makes their first Offer for Year of the Villain and gives him a chance to join them and with his current mental state, who's to say that he won't?

Deathstroke has been a weird and convoluted ride at times, but the character work herein has been phenomenal. We've seen the root causes of what makes Deathstroke himself so poisonous and how that's affected his children.

Jericho wears the mask of a hero, but underneath, he's scarred. He nearly kills a man he loves on the off chance that he may tell Slade of it, causing Slade to hunt him and now he himself is falling to the dark side.

Rose has always straddled the line, but her father kept her on the side of good at least by discouraging her from being him. Her anger at his death may drag her into the same pit as Jericho, especially after trying to solve the mental break she had, thinking she was overcome with the Spirit of a Hmong warrior.

There's going to be a war to determine who the next Deathstroke will be and if that doesn't excite everyone, I don't know what to say other than High recommend.

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lookwhatilost · 6 years ago

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i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin.

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

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rottweilerrr · 6 years ago

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ROTTWEILER;

+ DOMESTIC ABUSE

I've already talked about this subject on several instances (especially regarding his co-dependent relationship with Mark, gender roles, personal boundaries and helping others, and a drabble describing his upbringing), but was recently reminded that I’ve actually never made a concise post about it, which is what I’m going to do now.

I. Rejection and withdrawal of parental affection

One of the most formative experiences of his early childhood is the lesson that seeking out people’s affection is not only unwelcome, but also punishable – be it emotionally (through intentionally hurting him, such as mocking, name-calling, insulting or humiliating him, and the latter especially and purposely in front of other people, or denying his existence altogether) or physically (such as pushing him away or slapping him, usually accompanied by some sort of verbal degradation as well).

Ultimately, this has lead to largely inhibited social behavior: He finds it difficult to form relationships (and especially friendships) and almost never approaches anyone first to do so, and if so, only very hesitantly. It also means that if he’s rejected once, there is little chance that he’s going to try again since it would mean exposing himself to the same kind of humiliation again. This especially applies to instances where the nature of the rejection resembles the examples above, regardless of whether or not it only happened in jest.

II. Susceptibility to further abuse

Now, exactly because he craves affection but at the same time knows that it is unattainable to him, he is not only incredibly sensitive to rejection (which evokes strong feelings of sadness, shame, despair and powerlessness), but also vulnerable to emotional manipulation and blackmail. In the past, this has lead to him being gaslighted repeatedly, most notably by his ex-girlfriend. She, among other things: used to constantly switch between dismissing and demeaning him and demanding affection, only to deny him said affection as soon as the initiative came from him, accused him of cheating while openly flirting with other men herself, “kept tabs” on him and insisted he let her see his phone, arguing that “if he didn’t have anything to hide, he wouldn’t have anything to worry about either”, spread rumors among his friends and acquaintances that he was either physically abusing her or otherwise involved in serious crimes, thus trying to alienate them from him and rally them against him, and lied about trivial things just to make him question his own perception.

After he finally broke up with her, she started harassing him via text and often called him drunk, insulted him on the phone and even showed up at the pub multiple times specifically to wear him down; he never did anything about it except changing his number.

His mother tends to fall into similar patterns, though less consciously so. Most of her aggression toward him started developing after her husband’s death when she found herself in the situation of having to raise a child all by herself that she was overwhelmed with to begin with.* And without his emotional support – and they were extremely close; the way they treated their children is not at all reflective of how they treated each other – and a child that she was, at this point, almost completely estranged from, things fell apart very quickly. In her own helplessness (and a good portion of denial that she and her husband were, in fact, largely responsible for the current situation), she eventually started shifting the blame of how he turned out on him and Mark, one of his few trusted people at that time, which alienated him even further.

After he moved out and contact ceased almost completely, she began clutching to him instead and often tried to enforce that by guilt-tripping him and generally making him feel bad for cutting ties (i.e. “How could you do this? I’m your mother!” or “I don’t have anyone else but you.”). Besides being highly manipulative, those attempts are not genuine either: She doesn’t want him to “come back” because she’s actually interested in making amends and rekindling their relationship, but to keep face. Additionally, she expects financial advantages from staying in touch: There have been several instances where she called him under the pretense of just wanting to chat, but then subsequently asked for money and immediately turned on him once he turned her down or said that he couldn’t spare anything right now (and mind you, he’s still in debt, too).

The outcome of those events is almost always the same: Either he doesn’t defend himself at all or he simply tries to shuffle himself out of the situation, usually by hanging up or leaving the house. There have only been very few instances where the situation actually escalated into a legitimate fight, which raises the question how and why he reacts to certain things in the way that he does.

III. Fight or flight?

Though previous elaborations might indicate otherwise, his passivity in cases like the above (post-breakup and post-moving out) does not stem from the hope that they will change or maybe still like him back if he only behaves compliant enough, but from the conviction that “there is simply nothing to be done about it” as help outside of his own capabilities virtually does not exist. If you cannot help yourself, it cannot be helped at all. This also means that there is no one you can really trust or rely on but yourself, which most significantly shows in the way that he often does not make the distinction between mocking or teasing someone in jest and doing so in earnest. Due to his experiences, he interprets both as “saying one thing but doing the other” and acts according to it. (Though it needs to be said that this primarily applies to people he doesn’t know well; he has a higher tolerance with those he actually considers his friends or feels comfortable around.) Hence his trust, as easily as it can be won through the right measures, can be lost again just as quickly.

Now, apart from either victory or defeat as a last consequence, his reaction to situations as described above (e.g. attempts at manipulating him, taking advantage of him or degrading him) varies strongly: It can range from silent withdrawal to avoid further hurt to open confrontation and aggression. But as a rule of thumb: The more he feels treated unfairly or attacked/provoked out of the blue (particularly by someone he doesn’t know well), the more likely he is to defend his boundaries and/or demand respect by lashing out. However, this usually happens gradually and follows a very specific pattern:

Verbal confrontation: He reacts to the seeming unfairness or provocation either by mirroring it (= retaliation) or by pointing it out (= defense), whereas it may vary how obviously or directly he does that; however, the more something actually gets to him, the louder or more agitated he tends to be. He’s not very subtle in this regard.

Threat and intimidation: Pretty self-explanatory: If you don’t stop, I’ll show you what happens and I guarantee you you won’t like it.

Physical intimidation: He’s a big guy and he knows it, so purposely overstepping people’s boundaries by physically invading their space (and thus giving them “a taste” of how it’d be to get into a physical fight with him) is one of his go-to tools when all else fails. He resorts to this very obviously here by literally leaning over their table and subsequently waving his hand into Ryan’s face, and here after Eggsy has gotten up from his chair and he makes it a point to not draw back.

Physical violence: The severity of usually depends on the other person’s disposition, on how big or strong they are, whether or not they are a skilled fighter and how much he expects them to fight back. Violence for violence’s sake is rare since his main goal is “to make them stop” – now and in the future, which can, in certain cases, lead to excessive violence should he be under the impression that this is the only way to achieve that goal.

This dichotomy between withdrawal (= avoiding conflict) and confrontation (= seeking out further conflict) is actually exemplary for how he tends to deal with conflict in general: it either does not get solved at all or it gets “solved” through violence, be it verbal or physical. And this is a learned behavior. This is how they used to handle conflict at home and this is how he and the people in his surroundings handled conflict later in life, which, unfortunately, also means that he has barely any conflict resolution skills apart from that. It is incredibly difficult for him to just “talk things out” or even explain what bothers him, particularly so since he’s not used to actually being taken seriously in his needs or concerns.

IV. Passing on the abuse

As I’ve already mentioned in II. and this meme, Rottweiler has a very strong mindset of “If you do not help yourself, no one will”, and combined with the experience that you have to fight for everything lest it will be taken from you,** this can result in situations that are difficult to understand from an outside view.

a) Refusing to help

With the exception of his close friends (Gina, Donald, Poodle) and individuals who cannot properly defend themselves (children, animals), he does come to anyone’s aid despite his own experiences. On the one hand, this has to do with the overall attitude that it is better to not stick your nose into other people’s business or it might fall back on you, but also, and more importantly, with the fact that admitting that you not only need help sometimes but are worthy of receiving it, too, would mean acknowledging the actual extent of his own abuse and the injustices he’s faced.

And considering that he’s built his entire reasoning on those two principles – you are alone and responsible for your own misery – he literally cannot do that without a catastrophic loss of meaning in and of his life. Not to mention that it would increase already existing feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, which would make him feel at other people’s mercy even more.

Eventually, this is why his attitude toward Michelle and Eggsy on the one hand and (canon age) Daisy on the other is so vastly different: he considers them “old enough to take care of themselves” and if they fail to do so, then that’s their own fault. Which is the complete opposite of his stance toward Daisy, who he’d help in a heartbeat if she were to face the same abuse as Michelle and Eggsy.

b) Trauma and abuse

Apart from the matters already discussed, there are other things that “trigger” traumatic events (respectively the memory thereof) and that he often tries to fight in a way that may be considered abusive as well but that he fails to recognize as such:

Avoiding him for no apparent reason (applicable only to people he actually sees more or less regularly): Evokes the same negative feelings as rejection and tends to spill over into aggression quickly if he’s already on difficult terms with the person in concern. His solution usually consists of an attempt to force them into acknowledging his presence and/or telling him why he’s being shunned (i.e. confronting them when they’re alone, chatting them up even though it’s clear they do not want to talk to him, generally seeking out their company), which, at least with other men, is prone to escalate into physical violence.

Not looking at him and/or ignoring him when he’s talking to you: (see above).

Talking over him: (see above, though here the factor “disrespect” plays into it more strongly, so he tends to get angry rather than sad).

Touching him against his will: He doesn’t mind being touched even without his permission – he actually enjoys physical contact a lot, platonic or not –, but he gets incredibly angry when people do it after he’s already told them no.

In regards to the first two, this cycle of abuse is best broken not by telling him off, but by telling him off and why you do not wish to associate with him (even if its not actually the truth, he’s not going to question it anyway): It’s the uncertainty about people’s motives and intentions that makes him bounce off the walls, not the fact that somebody doesn’t like him. So if he knows what’s going on, there is no reason for him to insist on his previous behavior, either. In fact, it is best to be very straightforward with him in general as he tends to struggle with picking up certain social clues.

V. Social isolation and picking up clues

Whereas Rottweiler is good at recognizing people’s moods, he’s significantly less skilled at recognizing the cause of said moods. The reason for this has, again, to do with the environment he grew up in, which demanded being able to see what mood people were in in order to avoid conflict, but at the same time made it difficult to grasp why people were in that mood to begin with – there was simply no one who actually talked about those things, so he was left in the dark about why people did what they did. On top of that, he was, for pretty much the entirety of his childhood and teens, extremely isolated from people outside of his own neglecting family, which impacted the development of proper social skills even further. It is still difficult for him up to this day to identify and distinguish the nuances of interpersonal relationships and interactions. Or put differently: If you want him to understand you, tell him clearly instead of dropping hints.

VI. Last but not least: Displaying affection and other random facts

As inhibited as he may be in the beginning, he’s actually very affectionate and open with his feelings once he’s sure that they are being returned; he loves showing people that he likes them and that they are important to him, regardless of whether or not it’s only platonic. On the flipside, I doubt he’d mesh well with someone who doesn’t like that at all.

He doesn’t smile much, though, let alone laugh, and it takes a lot to make him so. It is therefore a bad index of whether or not he’s having fun or enjoying the current situation, so you might need to read between the lines.

He’s actually not jealous and trying to make him so tends to alienate him instead, as it resembles too much known patterns of emotional manipulation.

Similarly, teasing doesn’t really work, sexual or not. It has so be VERY obvious or with someone he actually expects this kind of behavior from for him to “get it” and maybe play along.

He doesn’t hold grudges. His mother and the two guys who got Sheila killed are the only ones he’ll never forgive. Maybe the kids who bullied him in school, too.

Having grown up in a both emotionally and physically violent environment where violence had exclusively negative connotations, he is very averse to any play-pretend of it, too. He may be kinky otherwise, but BDSM is not up his alley at all.

* Though there was personal selfishness playing into this (i.e. putting their own interests and needs above the ones of their child as the rule and not the exception, generally failing to acknowledge that they are not only responsible for this child existing altogether, but also have the duty to take care of it – or at least make sure someone else is –, hence treating it like a nuisance and very much making this known to him as well), they were also both in a state of lethargy and apathy even before they had children (which, by the way, were both unplanned). At least his mother was/is in serious debt pretty much since her early twenties and his father not only had frequent health issues (mostly due to smoking and drinking excessively for the better part of his life), but probably also got into trouble with the law more than once. On top of that, they generally struggled with getting by and everything that comes with living on the breadline, which made it even more difficult and personally taxing to look after someone who isn’t them.

** Especially during his early childhood, he has made the experience that everything can and will possibly be taken from you: They got seized multiple times due to his parents’ horrendous debt and simply not paying their bills and his mother pawned his Christmas presents and other of his belongings more than once. Additionally, the police showing up at their house was not only a frequent occurrence but also an incredibly invasive and terrifying one, even though he probably doesn’t even fully grasp that himself. Them eventually taking his dog and putting her down was just the final straw.

#❛ criminal record. ⤿ headcanons #very long but very important.#domestic abuse tw #abuse tw #violence tw

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fauzhee10069 · 6 years ago

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JoJolion’s main villain? Will it be female?

Okay, so whenever I find a discussion about JJL main villain, who will it be? And with the thirst from fans who wanted the first female main villain in JJBA, a popular theory emerged that Higashikata Caato would become the main villain. Yeah, so far… she is really popular, lots of hints point towards her, I can see some reasons of why:

Her motivation, she is currently in conflict with her ex-husband, Norisuke IV. Their conflicting views of how they have to sacrifice to save their son from the curse. Her sacrifice made her imprisoned for 15 years and separated from her children (how sad when her three children did not know her as their mother). Now, she returns and demands a payback.

Her persumably dominance over her son, Jobin. Jobin who previously was hyped as potential main villain is now overshadowed by his mother. Especially, it was pretty much confirmed that Jobin isn't the mastermind by Dolomite and Rai. “Jobin sweetie, remember that I went to jail to protect you, to save you, all for your sake. Imagine she says, ”I can see that Jobin must feel very indebted and grateful to her, that’s why he looks very respectful to her.

Her first impression of Gappy!Josuke was that she doesn't like him, regards him as freeloader (a potential enemy?)

Her Stand being a space-manipulating related type, often being regarded in the same boat with D4C (though I see that it’s more similar to Enigma currently).

Despite being 52 and a granny, she looks attractive for no reason, Araki’s habit of creating his main villains. Look how he changed fat!Valentine into the hot 48 years old president. Caato could be the antithesis of Lisa Lisa. Both are hot milfs in 50s and supportive to their sons, only the side is reversed.

Advanced points:

Norisuke IV he is one of the people closest to Josuke but the one who is likely most despised by Caato. I can see the potential conflict between Josuke and Caato or even her conflict with her other children.

The race to obtain Locacaca fruit, Caato’s side (Tsurugi, Jobin and Mitsuba) are fighting to cure Tsurugi. Josuke is fighting to restore himself to normal and save Holy.

Now, enter my personal opinion...

Actually, I like Caato as villain, or even major villain. But to be honest, though I also crave for the first female main villain, I don’t really like the concept of Caato as the one. Reasons:

Her conflict/motivation is too domestic, a household disputes; an ex-wife who wants to take revenge on and punish her ex-husband for the sacrifice and misery that she have to endured and demands payback (she openly asked for half of the household fortune). Basically, she wants to take back what's rightfully hers, probably dethrone the patriarch to dominate the family business and fortune. This sounds like a plot taken out from Korean/telenovela family drama (with revenge as its main theme) only that it involves Stand battle, could be good for side plot but not for main plot. I wish the Rokakaka fruit, Rock humans, scientist and the curse will be a greater focus than this family drama bullsh*t.

Her background itself is too ordinary, a former housewife with no visible past career or other interesting things, unless she had other past background that is still hidden, maybe a past career that hasn't been revealed yet, ala Izumi Curtis. Though she could be a counterpart for part 4 main villain, being ordinary salary man.

Her flashback and motivation in the past, in my opinion, is too sympathetic (something that Araki claimed to avoid whenever he writes a main villain). To save her son from her curse, rather than sacrificing her life, she preferred to sacrifice the life of other (stranger). To be honest, I prefer her method than Norisuke IV, therefore Jobin (and her other children) do not need to lose a mother figure (which ironically happened). This is a husband’s common mistake; assuming that his wife is not different with his mother, hoping that his wife will do the same thing with what his mother has done. Basically, a mom who did sacrificing her own contented life for the sake of her child, imprisoned for 15 years away from her children, she had just been released and is still reorganizing her life. Unlike other JoJo main villains, in which their trouble pasts had become a past completely (that happened years ago) as their current life in the present storyline is much better but Caato still had to face her ex-husband who seemed to abandon her and had to try re-bond her relationship with her children again (idk why but her story kinda reminds me of Cookie Lyon from Empire). She just barely regains her life back.

Her personality that is too obvious for a villain. Being very two-faced and deceptive, showing her true calculating personality to those she deeply trusts yet truly capable of however seems to intimidate and inspire fear, but in public, she comes off as charismatic and loving person. It’s like “Oh looks… she is evil… she must be the main villain!!” I mean, just as she first appeared (which is not long ago), she already acted menacing, intimidating and declaring her objectives. Whereas JJBA main villains in general were acting pretty casual.

Most likely, Araki did the Principal and The Pauper to Norisuke IV’s character. From the fun & loving dad and a supportive father figure for Josuke to be an asshole husband who is disregarding his wife for the sacrifice she had made and even refused to pay her alimony. Now I am confused whether I should cheer for Norisuke IV (Josuke’s side) or Caato. This will potentially rival my disappointment over Xiao Fan ruining Zhao Yun and Xiao Meng’s dynamic. >:(

She doesn’t have any moment that can be mocked over and meme’d. Also, all of her appearance so far is like a boss. If she constantly stays like this till the end, I’m afraid that she would potentially ruin the funny dynamic between The Main Villains gang in fandom!!!

I don’t need another mom archetype in JJBA main villains gang, we already have Kira as the mom.

Her determination to live free from the men (read: husband)’s control and decision yet seems to be in control of her son (and possibly grandson) makes her sound like feminazi. I hope I’m wrong though, hopefully Araki doesn’t write her to be main villain only to fulfill the quota (due to the lack of female main villains) or as political correctness. I just want my first female main villain to be just a character of her own without being the feminist advertisement (though that’s what you likely will get from a character with just housewife as background). I have faith in Araki though because in my opinion he was quite successful as he wrote Jolyne, she is very likeable for the only female JoJo as she is simply being who she is without promoting feminism.

A mother controlling her children (in this case, Jobin). Though this is personal, I’m never into this kind of villain. I think it is very cheap, there is a teach that children must respect their mother who had nurtured and raised them and one mom decided to take this as an advantage to control her children. Most likely, Caato could be the main cause of Jobin's authoritarian attitude to his son, Tsurugi.

Mom: “Okay son, remember that I had carried you in my womb and suffer for 9 months for it, I had painful labor to bear you, I had taken care of you when you were a helpless baby, teaching you everything and saved your life from the curse, even saved you from your crime, by letting myself go to jail and lost my 15 years of life… all because I love you. Now, do me a favor and never question it!” Son: “No, sorry mom.” Mom: “(How dare you!) Why not?” Son: “Because I never ask to be born (especially by you).” (I don’t think Jobin would ever say that, probably Joshu).

So, if Caato turns out to be the main villain, she could be my least favorite main villain despite I am being a female myself. Though it's still too early to judge, there is still a hope that she will deliver something more interesting than those 5 points above. One of them is the theory and possibility that she is the mysterious head doctor or the Rock human’s leader.

My other personal wish is that Holy Kira is the actual main villain. This is purely crack theory and something that is even less likely than Caato, but I think Holy Kira will deliver something more interesting than Caato:

Her more interesting background as an Ophthalmologist, emergency doctor, and guest professor. A woman, a mother and A PROFESSOR!!!

Her more direct connection with Rokakaka fruit, it is revealed that Holy created the hidden Rokakaka lab at T.G University Hospital, she was researching the fruit! Therefore, A SCIENTIST!!! There is a possibility that she was part of the Rokakaka Research Organization (though probably she just did the research independently).

She is a direct descendant of Johnny Joestar, therefore… a Joestar! Imagine being a Joestar and a main villain at the same time!! Okay, despite being a Joestar, Holy is not a JoJo. But this will be hilariously the greatest irony ever, a main villain is descended from a JoJo.

Her, tricking Josuke, the main protagonist (who is also part of her son) to cure her is something far more brilliant than a mom straightly controlling her son through intimidation. Perhaps her illness is part of her master plan (“計画通り/keikaku doori!!”ala Light Yagami or Aizen), it’ll be a greater troll than Joseph trolling Jotaro as reincarnated DIO XD.

Holy Kira might be the antithesis of Holy Kujo, the purest and most loving milf ever in JJBA to be the worst and ambitious mom.

Holy Kira might fit the theme of the villain being the opposite of the protagonist, what is the opposite between Josuke and Holy? One being the guy stitched together from two other guys and one being a woman who has a lot of missing parts (in this case, her brain).

She already had her possibly funny/crazy moment when she was trying to use a nurse like a pair of boots and a magazine XD.

Personally, I think that Holy has better design than Caato. While Caato looks like the older version of Jolyne, her messy appearance looks like a middle-aged woman who couldn’t let go her teenage years (that’s why she can’t beat Lisa Lisa as a hot milf in 50s imo, her appearance is tidier and more elegant). Look at Holy Kira, she is trendy and the dark cape looks fabulous for a villain’s design.

Holy may possess a more interesting Stand, I’m sure she is a Stand user if she can see Paisley Park and knows about Killer Queen. Please, Araki… show me what her Stand is capable of!!

If Caato stays the same until the end of the story, she will be the most deviated villain in JJBA history besides being female, Araki might breaks the pattern with her. But isn’t using Holy Kira as main villain would be a greater pattern breakers??

Besides Holy Kira, I found another crack yet brilliant theory of Yasuho being actual main villain without her realizing it, played it like an alter ego ala Doppio. Disclaimer, it is not written by me. While this is very interesting (and I support this theory tbh), this could be another case of The Principal and The Pauper in Yasuho’s character.

Hopefully, Caato is just a red herring for the actual main villain (as she is too… obviousss), but the possibility of Holy as the main villain is even smaller. That’s why I keep my expectation of evil!Holy so low, she could be just a straight SBR counterpart for Holy Kujo (the purest mom in critical condition that needs to be cured asap) with slightly bigger role, nothing more. Perhaps, the main villain could even be neither Caato nor Holy.

Now, let’s countdown the villains we had so far and how Caato or Holy will fill it up:

A vampire (and an ex-lawyer student)

A Pillar Man, boss of his own kind

A vampire… again (at least he is hundred years old now)

A salary man and serial killer

A mafia boss

A priest (and the vampire’s lover best friend)

A president of alt!US

A former housewife and former inmate / A mad scientist and a Joestar / A Rock human and head doctor (another mad scientist), assuming the third possibility of main villain is a guy / The main villain is a concept (not a person), the Locacaca fruit itself (I love this one tbh)

Pick your choice!!

Summary: I welcome Caato as villain, even as major villain. She is the first female villain who has her own motivation without being a mere pawn for the main villain. She deserves a big role, but not the biggest role. Gappy!Josuke deserves a greater villain to fight than a greedy and vengeful milf who is wronged (by her husband) in the past, someone who hasn't even reached the top (and her own happiness). The mystery of Locacaca’s fruit, the origin of the Higashikata’s curse;the rock disease, what’s up with the Rock humans and the Wall Eyes should be prioritized over the game of throne inheritance fight drama of the Higashikata family’s property and power. To be honest, I still prefer the main villain to be a man… again rather than Caato (even if it is Jobin).

TL;DR Caato will still be my most favorite female villain but potentially becomes my least favorite main villain in JJBA.

#jojolion #kaato higashikata #holly joestar kira #holy kira #my thoughts #jjba part 8 #crazy theory #meta post #main villain theory #Jojo villains #jojo's bizarre adventure #JoJo no Kimyō na Bōken #caato #holy joestar #holy joestar kira

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duhragonball · 6 years ago

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Continuity

I’m still reading Star Wars comics from the original Marvel run of 1977-1986. Last night, I made it to the Return of the Jedi adaptation, so now I’ve read all the issues set between that movie and Empire Strikes Back. As I expected, these comics (#45-80) feel a lot more like authentic Star Wars stories than the pre-ESB issues (#7-38). The biggest plot hole that I noticed was that Luke still has his lightsaber throughout this period, despite losing it on Bepsin.

It occurred to me later that this wasn’t necessarily a mistake. There’s a deleted scene from ROTJ which shows Luke assembling his new lightsaber right before the mission to save Han Solo from Jabba the Hut. This strongly implies that Luke didn’t have a lightsaber of his own between Episodes V and VI. This was further supported by the ROTJ radio drama, produced in 1996, which incorporates the deleted scene into the story. There, Luke expresses frustration with how difficult it is to build a lightsaber, and then he finally realizes that he should have been using the Force to assemble the pieces. I haven’t read the novelization of the movie, but maybe it was touched on there as well.

Later sources indicated that building your own lightsaber is the final ritual for completing your Jedi training. This is shown in the 2002 Clone Wars cartoon, where Barriss Offee assembles her own saber on Ilum, under the supervision of Luminara Unduli. I’m pretty sure this scene was inspired by Darth Vader’s line in ROTJ, when he observed that Luke’s training is complete after checking out his badass green lightsaber. The implication is that building your own lightsaber is difficult enough that Luke would have to be a Jedi Knight just to pull it off.

But in the early 80′s, none of that lore existed, and it would be a simple matter for writers to assume that Luke had no trouble at all getting a spare. What I find strange is that no one bothered to explain where this spare lightsaber came from. It’s like the writers just assumed he never lost the first one, but that’s crazy.

Really, the artists on the original Star Wars comics never seemed to be able to keep track of the lightsabers to begin with. In the early comics, they paid no heed to the color schemes or hilt designs at all. Not that I would expect late 70′s artists to really worry about props from a movie that had just come out, but they kept coloring all the lightsaber blades at random, and drawing the hilts way too short and thick. Luke and Vader looked like they were holding soda cans. The art started to get more true to the movies when Tom Palmer got involved, but one thing I started to notice was how the artists would draw Luke and Vader’s lightsabers on their belts, even when they were holding them, ignited, in their hands. It was like the artists recognized the lightsaber hilts as part of the characters’ costumes, but they didn’t understand what they were. I can’t really blame them for this, since the big column of light was what really drew everyone’s attention in the theaters, and it wasn’t like they could look up hilt schematics on Wookieepedia like you can now.

Anyway, it struck me as kind of interesting how something minor like that can start off as an oversight, and then be easily corrected, or magnified into a major plot hole. It’d be pretty simple to explain Luke’s between-movie lightsaber.

Obi-Wan Kenobi had a spare tucked away somewhere, and Luke had been keeping it in storage just in case something like this happened.

Yoda had a spare, and Luke took it with him when he went to Bespin, and put it inside R2-D2′s lightsaber compartment for safe keeping.

Luke found a new lightsaber on a mission.

Luke built a new lightsaber to replace his old one, then lost that guy, requiring him to build the green one in ROTJ.

Luke found/constructed a replacement weapon, but it’s actually a knockoff “laser sword” and it doesn’t work as well as a genuine Jedi design, but it got the job done until he could do the job right.

I find it curious that no one ever bothered to tell any of those stories, though. The Expanded Universe era of Star Wars multimedia seemed determined to sew up as many continuity problems as possible. Some writer in the 2000′s did a story to establish that Jedi would swap lightsabers as a gesture of mutual respect, just to explain why Mace Windu’s action figure has a different lightsaber design than the one he has in the movies. I’m not too worried about this stuff, and I don’t think Jo Duffy or David Michelinie were too worried about this stuff when they wrote Luke carving up Stormtroopers in Star Wars #45-80, but between 1994 and 2008, there were people working for Lucasfilm who were paid to worry about this stuff. I’m genuinely surprised that no one ever got around to penning Star Wars: Luke’s Spare Lightsaber: The Lobot Chronicles: Dark Tidings.

It’s the little things like this that get lost in the shuffle, I’ve found. When you read a Star Wars novel or comic book, the major characters are always very consistently portrayed, and the story always sticks very closely to the groundwork laid down in whatever movies were around at the time. Star Wars #45-80 excelled at this. Every issue was either about the good guys searching for Han Solo, or dealing with a crisis big enough to pull them away from the search for Han Solo. I was disappointed that they didn’t spend much time at all having Luke work on his Jedi training, or trying to make sense of Darth Vader being his father, but I think Marvel knew the next movie would address that, so they knew not to wade too deep into that stream.

The stuff that gets changed the most is the minor characters. I read one issue where they basically established that Wedge Antilles never made it off the base on Hoth in ESB. He and “Nice Shot” Jansen had to take cover in the AT-AT Luke blew up, and then they lived in what was left of the base while they waited for the imperials to clear out. He was stranded there for months, and it was a pretty cool story, but I’m betting that later Star Wars writers decided to ignore this, because they wanted to use Wedge in other stories during that period.

General Tagge’s another interesting example. He was the guy on the Death Star in Episode IV, the one who warned that the Death Star was vulnerable while the Rebels had the stolen plans. Tagge’s kind of a walking continuity error to begin with, because everyone kept getting him mixed up with Admiral Motti, the guy who sassed Vader and got choked out for his lack of faith. In the Archie Goodwin run on Star Wars, Tagge was killed in the movie when the Death Star exploded, but his brothers and sister turned up as recurring villains with a grudge against the Rebels and Vader alike. Flash forward to 2015, when Disney took over Lucasfilm, and in the new continuity, Tagge survived the Death Star’s destruction because he happened to leave right before it went to Yavin IV to get blown up. This was done mainly to set him up as a rival to Darth Vader in the 2015 Darth Vader comic. I guess they figured there was no reason to invent new characters when they could just salvage some of the officers from the movie. Tagge feels more authentic than his siblings because we actually saw him on film. He’s a “real” Star Wars guy, while rest of his family are just cartoons. I think that’s the attitude anyway. Back in 1978, they were probably eager to create new characters because they had tons of world-building to do. So the 2010′s Marvel comics don’t square with the 1970′s Marvel comics at all, especially where the Tagges are concerned, but Darth Vader’s dealings with them feel pretty consistent.

The reason I bring up all of this is because I used to think that the continuity in Star Wars was never terribly complicated. When production of The Force Awakens got started, Lucasfilm announced that they were rebooting the whole Star Wars canon, declaring all the Expanded Universe content as “Legends”, which no longer counted as official continuity. The only hard canon sources from now on were the movies, the Clone Wars TV series, and anything published after that announcement. Naturally, all the post-Return-of-the-Jedi stories would be off the board, which only made sense to me, seeing as Force Awakens would contradict it. But I figured the other stories could still be made to fit together somehow, since none of them had anything to do with Rey or Kylo Ren or the First Order, or whatever.

But really, it’s been like that all along. The novels and comics would introduce some idea, and others would build on it, and then George Lucas would override it with his next project. Then the writers would have to pick up the pieces. The 2008-2013 Clone Wars TV series trampled on a lot of continuity from the 2002-2005 Clone Wars books and comics, primarily because George Lucas worked on the TV series, and he was the final word on this stuff. That announcement in 2014 pissed off a lot of Expanded Universe fans (so much that they bought a bunch of billboards to complain about it), but it was kind of inevitable. They’ll probably have to wipe the slate clean again around 2040 or so, because there’ll be enough new movies that the comics and novels won’t align with them.

I sort of half-joke about my own fanfiction getting this kind of treatment. My goal is to write stories that could fit into the established continuity, but I can only work with the continuity I know. With Dragon Ball, that was easy, until Dragon Ball Super got underway, and Akira Toriyama started writing new stuff. It was pretty easy to write my own female Super Saiyan, until DBS introduced a couple of their own, and now I have to wonder if they’ll say or do something that might contradict my own take. Likewise, this Broly movie might establish some new lore that I need to take into consideration. I can write new material to work around those things, but the stuff I’ve already written is pretty much locked in. My private joke is that in any of these new animations, a character will just stare at the screen and coldly announce that “Mike’s fanfic never happened.”

But that’s pretty much what Lucasfilm has been doing to the novel and comics writers for over forty years. “Splinter of the Mind’s Eye” would have been the official sequel to Star Wars if Empire Strikes Back hadn’t been funded. Instead, Dengar and Bossk looked at the screen and said “Alan Dean Foster’s novel never happened.” Return of the Jedi killed every Luke/Leia shipper’s hopes and dreams. “Oh, those fanfics never happened, my young friend,” Ben Kenobi said from beyond the grave. Attack of the Clones wreaked all sorts of havoc on Boba Fett’s backstory. The Force Awakens wrecked the Skywalker-Solo family tree. “Han and Leia only had one kid, and I’m gonna kick his ass!” Rey shouted asskickingly. And on it goes. I read that one writer resigned after they retconned all the stuff she had set up about Boba Fett’s home planet, but that’s the way the game is played, unfortunately.

Me, I’m just writing my stuff for fun, when it comes down to it. I like to think all the continuity can be fit together, but the reality is that there’s too many redundant pieces, so they can’t all be part of the same picture. You can either have Tagge or his brothers, but not both. You can decide to keep Ben Solo or Jan and Jeice Solo from the EU novels, but not both. Or you can do an AU, I guess. They’re all AU’s when you get down to it.

I suppose that, no matter what, I prefer my own assumption that Luke just didn’t have a lightsaber between Empire and Jedi. I’ve read too many stories about how there’s more to a Jedi than his lightsaber, and how the best Jedi never use them at all, so it makes sense to me that Luke had to make due without one, and use the loss to force him to refocus on his training. While the others searched for Han, he was doing cool Jedi homework that he should have been doing on Dagobah, and he purposely waited until he was finished before building a new lightsaber. That just makes too much sense to me, even if some other version is presented. But the other stories are still fun to read. They don’t have to be canon to be enjoyable.

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maryellencarter · 6 years ago

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Yay laptop! *type type type*

So I reblogged this meme a bit ago as a reminder to answer all the questions for Wes when I had time. Technically I’m procrastinating on a writing thing, but I’m stuck on that one, so. ^_^

1) Something this character is truly proud of. -- You know, this one is kind of tricky, because as much as Wes acts like a blowhard, he doesn’t actually brag on his achievements very much. His looks, sure. Other people’s achievements, absolutely. But he projects that “not a badass” image about himself. I think he’s definitely proud of the morale officer stuff, though, especially when he manages to get Wedge or Tycho or Hobbie out of a funk.

2) Who they want to please the most. -- Oh, Wedge, forever. That causes some tension in his friendship with Hobbie every so often, because Wes will always put Wedge first. It’s awkward when your wingman knows he’s your second priority. *hugs them* That’s like, the motivating factor of at least two different unwritten/unpublished stories I’m involved with right now, probably more.

3) Who depends on them. -- More people than think they do. The Rogues, the Wraiths, probably most of the Rebellion back in the day. Wes downplays just how much of the emotional grunt work he does on keeping the rest of these idiots functional, as well as how much of the paperwork load he carries. Wedge and Hobbie both know they depend on him, that’s the people who really matter.

4) What they would do if they had one month to live. -- This is an interesting one, because Wes already lives on the basic principle of “eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die”. If he knew for a fact that he *wasn’t* going to die for a whole month... well, it depends. If he was invulnerable for that month, like absolutely unable to die ahead of time, he’d definitely go full Hamster Princess and like jump off cliffs and things. If it was just “you have a terminal illness”, I don’t think anything much would change, but he would get even more affectionate with his friends and also try to set things up so that they wouldn’t be absolutely lost without him, because he does do so much support work for them. If it was some kind of “I’m a time traveler from the future, you die in thirty days, this is absolutely necessary to preserve the timeline / save your friends from some horrible catastrophe, but we know you didn’t die till then”, and somehow telling him that doesn’t Schrodinger the timeline already (which it would)... um. This sentence got more complicated than I anticipated.

If he knew he was like fated to die in thirty days but not until then, but was not protected by a Hamster Princess curse spell thing, I’m not sure. What there should be is major fiddling with causality to find a timeline where he can save them without dying, but that requires roping people like Wedge and Luke into the process, and he wouldn’t. :-( Stupid idiot doesn’t think he’s worth saving. So he’d keep quiet, try to set things up to help his friends without letting them know that anything was wrong. They’d start to realize something was fishy, because they know him too damn well, and depending how angsty you wanted to get, it could wind up in a stable time loop self-fulfilling prophecy thing where he only has to die to save them because they figured out something was fishy or got in trouble trying to help him or something. The trouble with that time loop is that there’s no kriffing reason for the time-traveler to come back and tell him he’s going to die or has to die, if he did die, if things are working. *headshake* Time travel is hard.

5) A cherished personal belonging. -- Lieutenant Kettch, obviously. Yub yub, Commander.

6) Something they lost, but would love to have back -- Hmm. There’s not really much of anything for this in canon, which means I have to make something up. *ponders* Nothing occurs to me at the moment. That’s a story that somebody could write but it’d have to be the right thing (or the right person/friendship/whatever) and I don’t have one here.

7) This character’s favorite character -- Favorite character in what? GFFA media? Earthside media? Favorite person in their own source canon? I think Wes would really appreciate Jack O’Neill, although I’m not sure how Stargate SG-1 would come across in a galaxy where most planets have high levels of civilization, since it’s portraying a galaxy where most planets are pretty backward and only a few kind of patronizing alien races have anything like GFFA levels of technology. Like it’s a very different worldview. It plays specifically to Earth culture in ways that might make it very strange to a non-Earther.

8) What kind of car they would drive. -- Some kind of classic muscle car or hot-rod, probably. Tycho likes speed, Wes is all about power. “I mean a real tractor beam.”

9) What calms them when they are upset. -- Wes really, really needs to have the rest of the Fab Four around him, which is why Distna is such a renewable resource. ^_^ When he’s alone and trying to handle his own emotional shit, he likes to play brainless datapad games (that’s canon, he was playing one to keep from stressing out while he and Hobbie waited at Iella’s for Wedge and Tycho during Starfighters of Adumar) and snuggle Kettch. I also write him being fairly stimmy overall, liking certain textures and repetitive sounds and fidget toys, but that’s just me, it doesn’t have much actual basis in canon, only his general liking for swishy capes and blastswords and shit like that.

10) How they deal with pain. -- Emotional pain, he sits on it and ignores it forever. ;P Physically, he’s pretty tough, but he doesn’t do the kind of teeth-gritting silent-suffering thing I associate with like grungy alpha male types. He’ll hide that he’s injured if he needs to, if letting the others know would distract from an important or time-sensitive mission, but... like, I’m thinking of a bit in the comics, and comics characterization is always subject to being taken with more than a grain of salt, but the bit where Tycho is setting Wes’s broken leg, and Wes is making Noises and Tycho is being like “c’mon Wes you’re tougher than that”. Like Wes is fundamentally not a quiet guy, and he doesn’t have the macho wiring that makes not showing pain a matter of pride. He’ll scream if he wants to. (This holds true whether he’s injured, having sex, having fun, or just making noise for the hell of it. ^_^ At least one of my planned Kinktober pieces revolves partly around the fact that I always write Wes as being really vocal/noisy in bed.)

11) This character’s favorite piece or pieces of clothing. -- The Adumar flatscreen cape, for sure. Wedge may have managed to airlock it on the way home, since it doesn’t show up in other pieces of Legends media, but he likes that cape a lot. It’s so flashy and tacky and amazing. :D

12) How they sleep. -- This one I’ve put a lot of thought into for cuddlefic purposes. His favorite way to sleep is at the bottom of a squadron cuddle pile, being squished under people he loves, like a living weighted blanket. (Which also ties into me writing him sort of autistic/ADHD-coded, but whatevs.) He tends to sprawl all over the place, unless he’s in a bad enough emotional place that he starts going fetal position. Wes is not a person who’s ever internalized any kind of “don’t take up space” message. (Damn, always-a-girl Wes would be an interesting fucking character to write. I’m calling Not It, because that would interact with my brain issues in ways I don’t want right now, but man.)

13) What kind of parent they would be. -- I’m not going to answer this one directly, because parenthood and parenting hits a lot of my buttons in very bad ways. But turning it around to “how are they with kids”, Uncle Wes is definitely Syal and Myri’s favorite when they’re little. They can climb on him like a jungle gym, he tells the best stories, he treats them with this conspiratorial respect that makes them feel like they can conquer the world, he is the best weird uncle altogether. The very saddest thing about the Nonspecific Excuse ‘verse is that Syal and Myri missed out on that. (I have Opinions, possibly. ^_^ Seriously, though. Wedge is a good dad, and Iella is wonderful, but I strongly doubt that Myri especially would have turned out like she did without Wes’s influence.)

14) How they did in school -- This is like twenty percent canon and eighty percent headcanon. We know that Wes is good at math / statistics-type stuff and XO paperwork. He’s a lot smarter than he acts most of the time. In my own head, I actually give him the kind of memory I’ve got, photographic or eidetic or whatever we’re calling it now, except it works on numbers and people’s faces as well as just words -- so, for example, Adumar-era Wes can remember every one of the nurses in the Yavin IV medbay by name, knows which one of them was pregnant but not showing yet (and how the kid is doing now, and probably sends it birthday presents), knows most of their birthdays, doesn’t have a comprehensive knowledge of which ones have died since but knows some of them.

This doesn’t have a lot of support in canon, but it does have a little: Wes gives Wedge that little dossier on Ejector Darpen, and I strongly suspect he could have given the same level of brief background and analysis on any of the other surviving Yellow Aces. (Which is a royal fuckton of responsibility to have, and possibly one reason he’s a little cautious about spreading gossip around, beyond funny stories everyone remembers. Do you know what kind of trouble you can cause if you remember every unflattering thing anyone has ever said about anyone else in your presence? It’s a lot. A lot a lot a lot. I was not a fun friend to have as a teenager.)

So, um, specifically about how he did in school, there are two ways I could go: straight-A student or deliberate slacker. I mean, either way he’s the perpetually goofing-around class clown, I’m just not sure whether he’s also the teacher’s pet / kid who always knows the answers. I think I’d lean toward saying he was, though, because of the little “shill in the audience” bit he does with Wedge that one time -- that has very much the flavor to me of a kid who always made it a goal during the first week of class to get the teacher to go “Not you, I know you know it” and call on someone else, cause that’s me. ^_^

15) What cologne or perfume they would use -- I don’t honestly have enough of a sense of smell to answer this question. Personally I like sandalwood, but that’s Isard’s perfume (well, “leatherwood”), so even though Wes might independently wind up using it, I feel weird going with it. It’s like the Only One Steve rule. ;-) But Wes has a pretty vivid sense of smell -- I noticed when I was going over the “nice rear, Lieutenant” prank for something else, the descriptions of both the Ewok food and the cleaning fluid are strongly scent-oriented -- so either he’d wear something strong-smelling that he enjoyed, or something very subtle so it wouldn’t bother him, or just not wear scented stuff if it does bother him.

(God, the sheer levels of detail I get out of these books. Sometimes I feel like I’m reading way too much into these tiny little details, but it’s fun. And way more harmless than overanalyzing the Bible and Catholic religious doctrine in order to figure out The One Right Way To Act, which is what I used to do with these skills. ;S)

16) Their sexuality -- Oh, pan as hell. I personally write him as pansexual, aromantic, usually polyamorous, and pretty solidly cisgender, but that’s me. I’ve seen him written lots of different ways, but he very much appreciates pretty people of all genders, whatever exact orientation one goes with. (I don’t think I’ve ever seen him written gendervariant, but that would definitely be a possibility. Maybe I’ll come up with a story for that at some point, maybe not. And @virusq had a great suggestion for a bi/panromantic asexual Wes who flirts with everybody and is really into cuddling and pillow-talk but not sex, I don’t think anyone’s written that one yet either. *shoves it into the big pile of prompts in the middle of the table that is this fandom*)

( @tigerkat24 part of me keeps wanting to write an ace!Wes ‘verse where he’s basically James, but part of me wants to actually write those stories with James and Mort instead of Wes and Hobbie, and jesus fuck why do I have to have multiple pairings with the same dynamic. Why. :P I still don’t have an actual arc for Mort since I stopped wanting to write his original arc, either.)

(I keep going back and forth on whether to put my Mort/James stories from Rainbowfic onto AO3. Like they’re “original fiction written in a fannish context” for sure, but they’re also kind of scattershot and rather ancient, and... blergh. idk. Writing is hard.)

17) What they’d sing at karaoke -- This is again difficult because GFFA media. Earthside AU Wes, though, I’m definitely thinking the kind of bouncy catchy... do they call it “bubblegum pop”? Songs like “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, “All the Single Ladies”, those very girly-coded danceable songs, just belting them out without a hint of irony, dancing and shaking his butt and having a grand old time. (You know Wes has at least acceptable dance moves. ^_^) One of the things I really especially enjoy about Wes is that he doesn’t have the toxic masculinity shit that a lot of flirtatious male characters are coded with. He would definitely be a drag queen in any context where that was an option, you know? It’s nice to have a character I read as cis male but who doesn’t have any gender panic about enjoying the girly shit. There aren’t enough of those.

18) Special talents they have -- Well. There’s the killing people. ;P I mean, that really is the main one. He doesn’t have much in the way of non-military life skills, and he knows it. He mostly doesn’t get super angsty about it, because he mostly doesn’t get super angsty about anything, but... y’know, even when it’s just a sentence or two, I really like those little bits where a writer comments on it, that he’s a soldier and he’s not really... prepared to be anything except a soldier. Peacetime would be so, so hard for him to adjust to, and I don’t quite have a solid story idea for that but I really want somebody to tackle it someday, whether it’s me or somebody else.

19) When they feel safest -- Underneath a cuddle pile of all his friends, definitely. If he knows they’re safe, then he’s safe. You know? They have each other’s backs. He’s not really functional as a single person, he’s part of a unit. It’s not super healthy, but god I miss it :P

20) Household chore they hate the most -- Hmm. See, this one requires figuring out what chores Rebel/NR pilots even do, other than KP duty. (I feel like having Wes constantly on KP is kind of cliched; the only person we actually see get KP in the books is Face. So I like to try and come up with other shit. But there’s not a lot of chores that pilots actually do. They have laundry droids and shit for most of it.)

Earthside modern AU, though... hmm. The thing is, I’ve got chores I love and hate, but those are formed by my specific childhood history, which is deeply complicated. Wes specifically... I’m not sure we have enough data. Does he enjoy cooking? Does he have sensory issues? Does he find laundry boring? (I always liked laundry because the laundry room was in the basement away from all the yelling. Wes probably prefers chores that can be done in the middle of a bunch of people, because they’re not yelling at him. ;P Any discussion of household chores really runs into my issues, I guess.)

He probably doesn’t enjoy mopping or scrubbing things down, because we know he dislikes the scent of space Lysol, it’s too strong and sharp. See, if I talk long enough I can always come up with something I can tie back to canon. ^_^

21) Their fondest childhood memory -- Hmm. That’s a difficult one. We really have no data on Wes’s childhood, other than that Taanab is an agri-world and therefore he’s probably by some definition a farmboy. The rest is all speculation. Personally, when I need him to have a family, I borrow the one @irenkaferalkitty invented, because they’re adorable and ridiculous and I love them. So, basic US-Midwest-ish farming setting, working-class family, six kids, Wes is the oldest. (His dad is an autistic ex-Jedi and his mom is amazeballs. She’s like if Wes had never gone into the military. I love her.) But I still don’t have much specific in the way of childhood memories.

22) How they spend their money. -- Well, with the NR providing clothes and housing and all those basic necessities, I figure Wes basically just buys kids’ toys and lets the rest of his money sit. (Hobbie, who comes from a banking world, is absolutely horrified by Wes’s complete lack of financial acumen and summarily invests most of his money for him. So by the time he retires the first time, after the peace treaty with the Empire in 19 ABY, he’s... maybe not necessarily rich, but definitely well-off. He can afford to travel a bit, buy a farm on Taanab, that sort of thing. I’m seeing a vintage Y-wing on blocks in the yard, because I’m from Indiana and everybody has a hot rod and/or a couple of hangar queens up on blocks. ... @shadesofmauve, you have Corrupted me, look at all this space slang in my writing. ^_^) I have one story just about finished and waiting for a potential Kinktober, where Wes and Hobbie’s farm has a custom-built swimming pool for Hobbie, with a hot tub for both of them and a waterslide for Wes. I mean, the waterslide doesn’t come into the story, but it’s there. XD

23) What kind of alcohol they drink -- I feel like I answered this before at some point. @camshaft22 and I have some pretty detailed headcanons about Wes and Hobbie and alcohol, because we needed them for Afterimage. So in canon, pretty much everyone drinks one of a few things: lum, lomin-ale, Elba beer, Whyren’s Reserve (which is usually a high-class Corellian brandy but depending on the author can morph into a whiskey, become lower-class, etc). We know Wes likes Whyren’s, because Wedge gives him a shot glass of it as a sort of apology after the “nice rear, Lieutenant” prank. It’s described as having a “rich, smoky flavor”, so I figure in general he’d like whisky-type drinks with that kind of peaty or smoky flavor to them. (Coincidentally, whisky is basically the only booze I don’t find undrinkably disgusting. There’s supposedly a gene that makes vodka and some other drinks taste horrible; I’ve definitely got something going on on that front, because even the tiniest sip of vodka causes me to splutter and make horrible faces. It’s not the higher proof, that just tastes more like Listerine, it’s something else I can’t describe. Maybe it’s bitterness, Google’s bringing up articles about a supertasting bitterness gene.)

Um. That paragraph got away from me a little. Basically, Wes likes whisky and brandy best, but will happily drink pretty much anything.

24) What they wish they could change about themselves -- Now there’s a question. Wes seems mostly pretty happy with himself. There are things in his history he’d like to change, but as far as who he is, physically and mentally and emotionally, he’s pretty chill with himself.

25) What other people wish they could change about them -- Hah. Depends whom you ask. His close friends wouldn’t change a damn thing. Some other people wish he’d just stop being Wes altogether. It’s a rich tapestry. ^_^ There are a lot of people who fall somewhere in the middle, like if he’d just be a little more serious or a little less obnoxious or at least go be himself somewhere else, but most of those are post-Endor. The remaining pre-Endor Rebels in the service, especially the ones who remember Hoth and Yavin, appreciate Wes exactly as he is, because when you’re stuck on a goddamn iceball for a year, a big huggy guy made of warms who always has a joke or a prank or a game idea or a magic trick to cheer you up and break the monotony is priceless.

(In universes where Wes disappears long-term and is presumed to have committed suicide at some point after Distna -- Nonspecific Excuse is one, there’s another one I might do something with someday when I’m stable -- I always kind of think about the general reaction among Rebellion survivors who maybe hadn’t seen him since Hoth. I imagine it’s like hearing Robin Williams killed himself, like there’s that shock of... *tries to word* You know. It feels wrong, that somebody they remember as this perpetually sunshiny presence in a long dark endless winter, somebody who brought so much joy and love of life to everyone around him, could get stuck in such a dark place. That he helped them and there was nobody to help him when he needed it. Like, I mean, depression is a terminal illness, we all know that, but -- like, if he’d died in combat, that’s one thing, but... *words* Like, if he died in combat, that’s sad, but he was still him. For that joy to go out first and cause his death, that hurts more, in a different way. Am I making any sense?)

#wes janson #about writing #meta #headcanon #rogue squadron #star wars #depression #suicide mention tw #that was a lot of writing #tumblr you better not eat this post #i am copypasting it just in case

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thekoshertribble · 6 years ago

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“You can't play a game without rules. Even Grups ought to know that.” Women of Star Trek Blog Entry #5 Miri

Hello dear readers! I’m back with another blog for your reading enjoyment! Today I’ll be discussing one of the more controversial episodes of the Original Series: Miri. And, as you probably guessed, my subject from this episode is the titular character herself, Miri.

Miri is a human girl from an alternate Earth the Enterprise encounters on its travels. The crew comes across the planet because of a mysterious SOS signal coming from the planet. Upon beaming down, they find a deserted wasteland that once was a small town, and hiding among its ruins, they find a girl.

In our first scene with Miri, the crew talks to her and pieces together her account of an apocalypse: a strange plague wiped out all the adults, causing them to become extremely violent before mercifully succumbing to death. The only survivors were the children who had yet to reach puberty. The plague decelerated their growth, so that they would only age a month every hundred years. So although Miri appears to be 14, she is in fact 300 years old by the time the crew of the Enterprise finds her hiding in a closet. They soon realize, as they become ill and learn more about the disease, that Miri’s days are numbered. Once she reaches puberty she will become a violent, scar-covered zombie-like creature before finally dying.

As if puberty was bad enough already.

Miri’s character has essentially been sculpted by her surroundings. As a young teenager, she witnessed all adults, including all her relatives, teachers, neighbors and mentors, go violently mad and commit unthinkable atrocities against themselves and innocent children. Therefore Miri, as well as all the other child survivors, “the Onlies,” developed a deep distrust of any adults they might encounter. Most of the Onlies therefore treat the Enterprise landing party as hostile intruders, either hiding them or throwing rocks at them from the cover of shadows.

Miri, while at first terrified for her life when she is cornered by Kirk and his crew, seems to trust them enough to stay and help them. This decision on her part makes her stand out from the rest of the Onlies. While they all know these strange new “Grups” are different, only Miri acts on her curiosity and is brave enough to follow help them in their strange quest. She could have escaped their grasp or tricked them so she could sneak away - we know she’s clever and cunning because she successfully kidnaps Yeoman Rand later in the episode - but for some reason, she makes the risky decision to stay with them. And I’m going on a limb to suggest why...

It’s all in the name. Miri is a shortened version of Miriam, the name of one of the Torah’s great matriarchs. In summary, Miriam was the sister of Moses, the man who would guide the Hebrews out of slavery in Egypt. Miriam lived out the first half of her life as a slave, but despite this bitter life she did not give up her faith in God, who would later command Moses to free His chosen people from Egypt.

I believe that Miri, like her Biblical namesake, had a silent, underlying faith - perhaps not in God, but in a world better than the post-apocalyptic, Lord-of-the-flies Neverland hell she lived in for most of her life. Curiosity may be one reason Miri decided to stay with Kirk and his crew, but I do believe she followed them because she knew (perhaps only unconsciously) that’s these people would make her life better. So no, I don’t agree with Kirk’s thesis regarding why Miri followed them along: “Loneliness? I don't know, curiosity? I think children have an instinctive need for adults. They want to be told right and wrong.”

Which brings me to the next, much more controversial topic of this blog: Kirk and his interactions with Miri. I’ve read many reviews of this episode and they all discuss how Kirk’s interactions with Miri just feel weird if not outright creepy. From the swelling romantic music to the awkward romance jokes (”I never get involved with older women”), the episode feels like its seriously setting up Miri, a 14 year old girl, as a love interest for 34 year old Kirk. And that’s...really, really not okay. At all. Period.

That being said, I personally do not believe Kirk is attracted to Miri. If I did I wouldn’t even be writing this because I wouldn’t be watching the show. While I do agree with other reviewers that Kirk uses Miri’s attraction to him to get information and cooperation from her, I cannot accept the James Kirk that I know - the one that respects his female crew members and protects children from distress - could even consider such an immoral thought. Yes, he does compliment her on her looks and her name, “pretty name, for a pretty young woman,” but I believe this is his way of attempting to gain her trust, nothing more.

Speaking of Kirk, I think I know why Kirk seems to have so much interest in the Onlies, especially Miri - it’s because he’s been in her shoes before, on Tarsus IV. At Miri’s age, Kirk witnessed a devastating plague and the cold-blooded massacre of 4,000 colonists. We don’t have canon information regarding how Kirk survived these horrors, but I can guess confidently that when he realized what Miri has been through, he identified with her position. This is my only explanation for why he is so attentive and (almost creepily) gentle around Miri.*

But let’s focus back to Miri herself, shall we? Let’s talk character strengths. Besides having (perhaps unconscious) faith, Miri also possesses great bravery and cleverness. Although she does cry out of fear several times during the episode, this does not mean that she isn’t brave. I would say she is the bravest of the Onlies, simply because she 1) stays and helps the new Grups, and 2) continues to stay with them even as they begin to lose their tempers as the disease begins to affect them. Even her planning and executing the kidnapping of Yeoman Rand tells us that Miri is not only clever enough to hatch a risky plan, but also gutsy enough to carry it out.

Which leads me to discussing Miri’s main weakness. Miri’s actions are almost exclusively driven by her emotions. While not totally irrational, she is rather sensitive, considering she’s been living in an apocalyptic wasteland for 300 years. The best example of her emotion-based action is her kidnapping of Rand. She does this purely out of revenge. She sees Kirk trying to comfort Rand and decides that “Mr. Lovey-Dovey” needs to be taught a lesson. She doesn’t consider the consequences or fallout from this act, she just lashes out. I hate to say it, but much of this is just hormonal behavior for a girl her age.

I can understand where Miri is coming from. I attended an all-girls middle school for three years, and it was angry hormonal dramatic hell every. Single. Day. The teachers didn’t really care what we did or said to each other as long as we followed the dress code. So girls constantly lashed out at each other either out of spite or petty revenge. (It was actually by watching Star Trek that helped teach me about balancing my emotions with logic in a healthy way, but that’s a story for another post).

I know exactly how Miri felt when she saw him and Rand hugging. Seeing your first crush with another person is like getting hit with a meteorite in the chest. Getting revenge on Rand and Kirk is quite rash and dramatic but it makes a lot of sense from Miri’s perspective. As Kirk points out, Miri doesn’t understand what’s happening to her - she probably didn’t get “the talk” before the plague. She may not even know about menstruation. She is blinded by emotions emboldened by new hormonal changes, and even worse, she has no idea that it’s happening.

Emotional struggles aside, Miri comes around and helps Kirk rescue Rand and help the children. Again, she does the braver thing, confronting her mistakes and siding with Kirk when challenged by Jahn, the leader of the Onlies.

Miri: Listen to [Kirk].

Jahn: You listen, Miri!

Miri: I did. What do you think I brought him here?

Without Miri’s help, without her faith in Kirk, the Enterprise would have lost its captain and chief officers to plague and the Onlies would have starved to death in a few months. Like her biblical namesake, she believed in a better future for her people, and her faith helped to lead them there.

Thanks for reading this, everyone! Again, I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please like and reblog, or maybe leave a comment to continue the conversation. Stay tuned for my next entry: Dagger of the Mind!

*important note: I recognize that this a rather awkward and delicate topic. I completely understand if you have a differing opinion from that if my own and I welcome hearing it. As I said, my theories regarding Kirk’s behavior in this episode are purely speculative and based on my own intuition and biases.

#star trek #star trek original series #miri #kirk #captain kirk #miriam #biblical reference #post apocalypse

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jflashandclash · 6 years ago

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Uncomfortable Crossings

Author’s Note:

I had a request over half a year ago for Calex to interact with a certain goddess. It is shameful that it took me so long to write this! I hope you enjoy despite the wait!

This takes place a year after the series’ last book, Fall of the Sun. This is based off the original ending, which has—since then—mostly changed. Mostly XD So… sort of spoilers?

Book IV’s chapter one (Will: A Stroll Through the Dark) should be released in the next week or two!) In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this short story about Calex :D

Each time Calex kicked, the football slammed directly into the goal post.

Fortunately, there was no one occupying the field to see it. That’s why he preferred the field behind the Roman hypocaust. There was a car park for tourists on holiday and for the few museum staff with cars. But most locals preferred the scenic view by the lake or the fields by the ruins of the wall around the ancient Roman city of Verulamium. The hypocaust could seem a bit dull compared to the lovely sprawl around the rest of the park.

Most of the emptiness was due to the weather. The temperature reached a record high of 31 degrees with 100% humidity. For most of Calex’s mates, this was enough to turn them into jelly puddles inside their flats, but Calex used to holiday in Liberia and had spent the last year in New York. Normally, he’d drag them out, whining and acting like babies, but he wanted to be alone today.

That’s why he was utterly shocked when his ball bounced off the goal post, popped over his shoulder, then shot straight back towards the goal from behind him.

And missed wildly.

Calex watched his ball fly into the field at least fifty meters away. Calex blinked, wondering if a professional footballer had been airlifted into the field without him hearing the helicopter and if that professional was bolluxed out of their mind.

“Oh! Sorry! Here, use my ball while I go grab that,” someone said behind him.

“Um, it’s alright—” Calex turned to see the blur go past. He doubted the girl was as fast as he was, but she was certainly fast. As she darted after the ball, he saw her beautiful locks trail behind her. Something felt off about her gait—like her steps took too long to land on the ground.

Odd, but, after learning he was a demigod, his life had been nothing but odd.

She wore a blue and white jersey, one he should recognize. The name across the back said Karagounis in what Calex quickly recognized as Greek.

He jogged after.

Calex was in no mood to be polite or have a chat. At least she wasn’t attracted to him. The knowledge wasn’t anything self-degrading—Calex knew lots of girls fancied his looks. He was a son of Eros and knowing people’s desires came with the territory.

When she reached the ball and turned to dribble back—long dribbles with little control—Calex felt himself gasp and stagger to a stop, feeling both shallow and self-centered about the previous thought.

The woman was lovelier than anyone he had ever seen. That was a grand thing, considering his grandmother was Aphrodite and he stayed with her children, his aunts and uncles, last year. He knew lovely.

She was maybe ten years older than him, in her mid-twenties, but the age made her more brilliant, like she’d suffered and aged but managed to retain her youth and merriment.

Her hair was long and waved loosely from a mix of plaits in her ponytail. The color was indescribable. At first, he thought it was like his mate, Kally, a strawberry blonde. This was darker, a subtlest cross between red, blonde, brunette, with natural highlights and lowlights from all three. Her skin had a gorgeous glow to it, not quite UK pale, but pale with a hue that cued Calex to her ability to tan.

Her face was perfect.

He didn’t think that with any exaggeration. It was perfect.

If Calex was at Camp Half-Blood, or by Mt. Olympus, he would have dropped right there to genuflect to a goddess. However, in the middle of St. Albans on a Tuesday, she might think it a bit odd or mental if he gave her the “all powerful” treatment in a football field, especially if she was just some poor women off the street who happened to practice beside a crazy demigod.

“Sorry. It has been a long time since I played soccer,” she said as she evened with him. Her English was perfect with the slightest hint of a Greek accent.

“Not a problem,” Calex said.

She smiled in relief.

He recognized that glint of relief and knew it was good he hadn’t dropped into an old fashioned grovel.

There were times he had felt insecure when he entered a room, knowing everyone’s eyes were on him, and expecting him to be perfect because his father’s DNA made him look like he should be. Most of his mates in Britain could make jokes out of it, but, in America, he was uncomfortable when someone asked if he’d been in a magazine or some obscure BBC show, or when someone would point out, “Oh… you’re African American—”

“British, actually”

“—well, yea, but you’re black and you have light eyes.”

Something about her look told him she felt something similar, a sense of humiliation due to the inability to avoid unwanted attention.[1]

Calex swore, regardless of whether or not this woman was a goddess, that he’d treat her like a normal mortal.

“That was an alright kick, Greece,” he said, “You’re sure to nail the net next time.”

Her eyes were amber with flecks of blue and green. They were vibrant, like the rest of her. “I don’t mind failing…” She glanced at the jersey his cousin had bought for him. “Arsenal. Failing is half the reward of trying. How fulfilling would life be if you attained things instantly?”

Calex thought about how he had failed to save his mum and brother from Thanatos, how Joey had died, and what had happened to Axel, Pax, and Euna after everything they’d gone through. “Reward” was an odd little word for it. His fist shook. He remembered the anger and dreariness that he’d come out here to ignore and that her beauty had temporarily disrupted.

This woman definitely couldn’t be from around here if she was that much of an optimist. One look at Israel and you wouldn’t hear their prime minister saying, “Oooo! Sorry about that. Let’s try that again!”

“Some things you can only fail once,” he said.

His ball thumped gently into his foot.

His head was light and ached. He felt like such rubbish that he didn’t want to look at her again.

“Pass the ball with me,” she said. “We’ll make a wager. If I lose, then I’ll concede that you’re right. If I win, then you’ll show me around St. Albans.”

Calex had too many wagers in his life already, particularly ones involving a lot of death or undeath situations. While, in technical terms, his friends from Camp Half-Blood would call him a “lucky son of a respectable man since we would never say anything to upset Calex’s papi,” he wasn’t sure he wanted to bet his luck any further.

“What’s the wager?” he asked.

“I need to get the ball from you,” she said.

Calex felt himself give a heartfelt laugh. “Not bloody likely.”

“Then you have nothing to lose,” she said. “You’re already practicing, foolishly suffering from dehydration, and determined to hit the goal post instead of the net. So you might be better off reminding someone who is rusty how it’s done.”

Calex wouldn’t admit it if asked, but he had fun. This woman—Greece as he’d taken to calling her—had a contagious laugh, had no problem giggling over her own mistakes and making him chuckle at his own, was curious about every aspect of the game, listened to him talk about Arsenal for longer than the Queen could sit at a ceremony, and would excitedly interject with stories of her own. It was like everything was an adventure to her, every experience was fun.

Calex felt like he’d lost that since he’d come back to Hertfordshire and left his friends in New York.

She’d chided him into drinking some water. Like her beauty, her vivacity had shaken him out of his angst. Something about her put him at ease and felt familiar, like the coolest aunt he’d forgotten from childhood. Enough so that, when he was dribbling to their stuff to get another sip of water, he didn’t register what she was doing when she jumped in front of him, forcing him to stop short or knock her over.

Calex stumbled to a stop.

She turned and gave him a huge grin. “I got the ball from you.”

“That doesn’t’ count,” he said.

“It does.” She crunched her face up playfully. The more they interacted and the more he treated her like a typical bloke off the trolley, the more she’d relaxed into this playful, excited demeanor. “It does because you want to show me around. Come along. I’ll treat you to lunch.”

They walked around the town. Calex showed her the stuff tourists usually hyped over: the Cathedral—at which she demanded they make a quick sacrifice to honor the cathedral’s god, something Calex found profoundly baffling[2]—the rest of the park, the clock tower, and some of the nurseries. He was relieved she didn’t ask to go into Verulamium’s museum, the place he felt like he knew better than his own home and whose staff he wanted to punch at that moment.

After winding through the streets full of people exhausted from the heat, they ended up in Café Rouge, a posh French restaurant that Tiwa had liked. When he stepped in, looking at the checkered red-and-clear stained windows, his stomach dropped.

When his mum was exhausted after a shift at the hospital, he remembered her coming here, sitting in the corner booth with the red velvet cloth, and ordering a tea and a chicken club croque. During summer holiday, when they weren’t at her clinic in Kakata, he would come here to meet up with her, Tom, Gretchen, and Winston when he could.

The glass paneled roof made this place look and feel like a botanical garden, too hot, too humid, and on display for the gods to watch.

Calex wished he hadn’t come here.

Their usual waitress, Amelia, immediately recognized him and gave him a shy smile. He hadn’t seen her in almost a year.

Although Calex had led them here without thinking, he turned to leave with a cough and a wave of parting.

“There’s a good table in the center,” Greece suggested. She took Calex’s arm, like he was the one escorting her, and led him over to the table. She gestured at one of the two-seaters that was in a line of empty two-seaters and Amelia nodded.

“Um—” Calex started.

She sat down and Amelia hopped over faster than he could whisper, “I’ve been abducted by a beautiful woman, help!”

“What would you like to drink?” Amelia asked.

“Surprise me,” Greece said. She clasped her hands together, smiling at the tiny brunette. “And I mean it. Any price, any style, form mocktails to fiz. If you want, flip a coin between you and the other waitress and bring me out the favorite drink of whoever gets heads.”

Amelia paused in writing something down to blink at Greece. Normally, he guessed Amelia would think Greece mental, but Calex assumed Amelia struggled with the same problem that he was: Greece’s contagious smile, her natural confidence, and startlingly genuine excitement that made him want to trust her. Normally, such cheer would make him think she was mad and here to rob him, the restaurant, the city, and likely the country of all of her goods. But, for some inexplicable reason, Greece’s demeanor kept putting him at ease and made him feel like this was the right time and place for all things to exist.

“The usual for you then?” Amelia asked Calex.

He nodded and smiled. “Thanks, Amelia.”

She blushed. “It’s good to have you back,” she said. For a split second, Calex realized she’d thought about him without his trousers on.

He cleared his throat, something he hoped she mistook for embarrassment at the comment.

Amelia walked away.

Greece watched their interaction with amusement. “So, is it romantic love or familial that’s the problem?” she asked, leaning forward a little.

Calex must have heard her wrong. “Excuse me?”

“Something has been bothering you all day,” she said.

They went silent for a moment when Amelia brought them their drinks and took their orders.

“Same? Surprise and usual?” Amelia asked, pointing her pen to each of them in turn.

Both nodded.

Calex tried to ignore that Amelia was systematically undressing him in her mind. Some days, he could ignore things like that. Today, he was struggling not to “listen in” on other people’s wants.

She walked away and Calex tucked his scarf against his neck.

“You’re quite presumptuous, aren’t you?” he asked while he sipped his tomato juice. He didn’t like the drink anymore and would have rather a Hoegaarden, but he hadn’t the heart to change things up on Amelia or find out what article of clothing would come off next time in her mind cinema. He would order it when she brought the food and would hope that each of his socks counted as separate pieces of clothing in her game.

“You’re seventeen.” Greece shrugged.

Calex frowned. He had to wonder if she knew it was his birthday or if she’d gotten a lucky guess on his age. Her question made his mind wander to what had upset him that morning.

She shrugged. “And, it’s summer break, so you’re not worried about revision for A levels or entering sixth form.”

Calex examined her wearily. Out of his new friends, only Axel and—dare he call him a friend?—Pax had known anything about his school system. Apparently the structure was similar in Belize. But was it in Greece? Was she actually from Greece?

“Who am I going to tell?” she asked, mistaking the source of his growing suspicion.

Typically, an innate sense of trust made him want to distrust people more, like they were looking to gain something. He felt a part of his heart give though. This woman gave him such an irrational sense of livelihood, of wanting to experience the world, and chat about the things he loved and scream about the things he hated, it made him lightheaded. And, had she not come by that morning, he’d have likely finished at the fields, and then locked himself in his room all day.

“There is a girl,” he found himself saying.

Greece gave him a lovely smile. “What is she like?”

“She’s…” He thought about the times Merry had publically humiliated him. “Merciless. Yea, merciless. That one is.”

Greece laughed, a fantastic sound. “And here I was, expecting ‘beautiful’ or ‘intelligent.’”

“Oh, she is. Quite good at making me laugh too.” He marveled over how well Merry could store information in her head and use it to outwit others—whether monsters or crude blokes—and, how she could make guesses about future events in Camp Half-Blood, mostly involving people’s dating lives. He pictured Merry’s dark eyes contrasted with her honey skin and the curves of her body. She looked like a Victoria Secret model with a hardy appetite, and Calex wouldn’t change a single thing about her brain or her physique. Well… except…

“She’s quite alright,” he said.

“And..?” Greece asked.

Calex sighed. He lifted up his drink and set it on the table. What he would change…

“She isn’t attracted to me. At all. She isn’t attracted to anyone.”

He waited for Greece to say he couldn’t know that, a completely reasonable response for someone who didn’t know he was a son of Eros and that he could tell when shy waitresses had him on their mental tele with much less clothing, much more interest in public displays of affection, and much less respect for restaurant sanitation. Instead, Greece frowned thoughtfully, waiting for him to continue.

“I’m not sure she’ll ever find any bloke physically attractive.” Calex remembered all the times she’d make flirtatious comments about people’s bodies, like empty reverberations of gossip she’d heard. She never felt it. She would just say it to make people laugh or to contribute to a conversation. And, Calex feared, to feel normal.

This is where he should stop, but the words slipped out. “She said she loves me.” He remembered how she had snuggled into his chest, calling him her sweet, sexy teddy bear. But, he couldn’t read emotional love. That was Piper’s, his aunt’s, territory. Merry’s confession had taken him by dumbfounded surprise, since those words were typically preluded by some sort of physical attraction.

“That made it worse. I want… I want an all-inclusive relationship. It wouldn’t need to be immediate. I would wait however long she wanted and we could talk through everything. But that’s assuming Merry would ever want that. What if she never wants it? Nothing says she needs to nor should she ever feel pressured if it’s not something she’s interested in…”

There was no better way for him to explain it. He knew, physically, how to properly take care of everyone he got close to. That’s why people would come to him for advice, like the time Axel had, shaking with embarrassment, asked about one of his dates with Reyna, and the time Kally had timidly asked some generic questions on how things worked when you’re copping off.[3]

Even if Calex didn’t want to know, the sense of what everyone wanted was in a neat queue, waiting for use by him or as advice for others. He knew what to do at any time to really get their engines roaring. But, he didn’t with Merry. It was a blank slate. Everyone else had a rolling instruction manual that he could access in a split second. But, he didn’t want them. He didn’t care about those instruction manuals. He wanted to show Merry how much he appreciated her in the way his godly heritage had given him the unquestionable advantage, but… he couldn’t. She was the only reason he could guess why other blokes were so nervous interacting sexually. Typically, he was full of the confidence of knowing. Not with Merry. Not when she didn’t want to get physically intimate with anyone and nothing he knew of could spike any sense of desire.

He didn’t know how to explain any of that without coming across as a total creep.

“I know that’s selfish,” he said instead. “It’s not that I wouldn’t mind waiting. If I knew, in a few years…” There was no acceptable way to end that line of dialogue with a stranger, or—really—with anyone.

“No…” Greece frowned and Calex was ready for a proper (and well earned with how much of a dodgy perv he sounded) feminist lashing. “Calex, that isn’t selfish.”

Calex blinked. “Yes, it is.”

She laughed. “No, it isn’t. That’s a compatibility conflict. And, for someone like you, that is a serious compatibility conflict. From the way you’re talking and the way you are, I know you’re not seeking your own sexual gratification. How many times would you pleasure Merry without getting any reciprocation and even noticing or caring that you hadn’t?”

“Hundreds, if not thousands,” he said reflexively.

When he realized that those were real words that came out of his mouth, he glanced around, to make sure Amelia hadn’t heard to use that for her mental tele. Calex took a long sip of tomato juice, desperately wishing he had Merry’s power to turn it into something a bit stronger. His mind sprinted through excuses as to why he would need to leave this table in a hurry, and wondered if this woman would believe him if he said he had an appointment to slog Boris Johnson in the face.[4]

Greece, however, acted like this question was a typical Tuesday question. “Probably the same number of times Merry would help you study for an exam without ever feeling like you owed her a favor.”

Calex felt like they’d just been chatting about a meat eater repeatedly offering a vegetarian an endless chicken supply, and that Greece had brought up the time the vegetarian offered the meat eater an endless supply of slinkies. Calex wasn’t sure if Greece just had a time lapse or if she was just stark raving mad.

She confused Calex enough to make him say, “But, I don’t care about revision for my exams.”

“That’s my point. You express your love differently, in different languages, and don’t have any common communication ground, beyond the enjoyment of each other’s presence.” She sipped her sparkling drink and grinned. “Ah! Fizz la Poire! What a nice combo.”

Calex wished it would be as simple as she’d suggested. “So, you’re telling me to pull a girl by studying with her? That’s the secret to the Merry Snog: a good math textbook.”

Merry, he realized, would fancy that official title quite a bit.

Greece shook her head. “You’re missing the point. The studying is the snog to her.”

“I’m not sure I follow you.”

Greece laughed lightly. “You’re just like your father.”

Calex almost choked on his next sip of the thick juice. “Excuse me?” His suspicion came back to hit him like a power kick from Alexis Sanchez.[5]

She shook her head in pleasant amusement. “You need to consider what is important to the two of you and where you can both compromise. Can you be in a relationship where you both feel unloved because you don’t understand each other’s methods of expressing love? You both might feel more fulfilled with someone who naturally expresses their affection in a way you appreciate and understand. Then you both won’t feel guilty for expecting something that isn’t there or holding the other back. The guilt you’re feeling about wanting to spend time with Merry in a particular way and knowing she wouldn’t want that—have you considered that she feels the same guilt for a different unfulfilled want?”

“I hardly think that’s an appropriate comparison,” Calex said. He mentally toured through the various times Merry had offered to study with him, help him with his homework, or look through summer job applications. Kally, Merry’s best friend, had explained that Merry was mental over keeping a 4.0. The queasiness in Calex’s stomach told him Greece was right. Merry showed her affection to her mum and brother, Nikhil, by helping them with school and work. Had he been a total idiot? But having someone study with you when they were bored of it and having them snog you when they were bored of it were two very different things.

Greece smiled. “It’s closer than you’re allowing yourself to think. You two might be better off with someone more compatible. Couples can make it work when they don’t express love the same way or click immediately. I wasn’t enthralled with my husband when we first met, but, in no time, I want to Tartarus and back again for him.”

She touched her shoulder, her eyes glassy with a memory. They warmed back to the present. “Times are different now. You can’t start your relationship by kidnapping your princess. Back to your modern scenario, you could sit there and study with her, despite not caring about the studying at all, and she could—”

“No,” Calex said firmly, checking goddess on his internal description of this woman. “She’s… she’s offered to try. But, I can’t even kiss her when I know she’s not interested in kissing. Even if her reaction is disinterest instead of dislike, what’s the point if she’s not enjoying herself?”

“And that, ‘What’s the point?’ is how she feels about any of the ways she wants to express her emotion. That’s why I was going to say, you could push through it, but I’m not sure it would be healthy for either of you right now. Maybe later, but not now. And I certainly don’t think either of you will be able to happily live life, enjoy it, and experience it, and potentially other people, if you leave the situation in limbo.”

Calex frowned. He thought about Merry’s smile when she knew she’d cornered someone with blackmail or the way she’d tease him by bumping against him on “accident.”

“That’s not the uplifting, encouraging speech I was expecting,” he admitted.

She shrugged. “I’m not going to encourage you to do something that will hold you back from expressing yourself the way you most enjoy. And I won’t say you should do something that will prevent you from living life in a way that’s important to you. If you’re anything like your father, you’ve quite an appetite, and it would make you miserable to suppress it.”

Calex sat there, stunned.

No one would ever say that about Winston.

Had she really—? There was no way. No one in their polite, right mind—

“Oh gods, you’re Psyche,” he said. He had to set his tomato juice down to balance himself against the table. “Oh gods. You just said that about my dad. Please don’t ever, ever, EVER refer to his appetite—or—or refer to you two—augh—shagging ever again.”

Psyche released a beautiful, heartfelt laugh. “For being a son of Eros, you’re incredibly uncomfortable with these discussions. Your sister, Hedone, is very forward about this type of thing.”

“I’m awkward and British!” Calex cried. “I’m not absolutely mental like you Greek gods!”

Maybe Calex shouldn’t have been mouthing off to a goddess, specifically not his step-mother, but this was a bit to take in.

“And—and why are you even here? Aren’t you supposed to think… rather unpleasantly of me?” All the stories he’d heard of gods meeting their step children didn’t end with fairies and sunshine and the god or goddess crying, “There’s my favorite proof of adultery!”

Her smile softened. “Calex, Eros and I have been together for thousands of years. Every couple hundred years, one of us will meet someone as remarkable as your mother. Then, we discuss it and have our agreements. It would be ridiculous for me to hate someone Eros loves so much, especially someone who has grown into an impressive young man. I’ve wanted to meet you, but this is the first birthday you really knew who you were.”

A sick taste hit his mouth. The hopelessness and dreariness of the morning threatened to overtake him again. A lot had changed since his last birthday.

“Your father is going to drop by later today,” she said. “He had to do a favor for your grandmother so she doesn’t notice the two of us here with you.”

Calex wasn’t worried about his father. Compared to other half-bloods, he saw his dad a lot. Over the last year, Eros had not been shy with gifts or advice.

That wasn’t what was unsettling Calex. “Did you know Tiwa?” he asked quietly.

Tiwa didn’t strike Calex as someone capable of being a mistress. He could imagine his mum marching up to Psyche as soon as she discovered Eros was married. And he certainly couldn’t think she would be like Mrs. Blythe, Merry’s mother who was… intimate with both Ariadne and Dionysus. Definitely filing that into Things He Never Wanted to Know.[6]

“I mostly knew of her,” Psyche said. She leaned back into her chair. The sunrays beaming through the glass ceiling hit her back; Calex’s eyes widened when he saw an array of color flowering around her chair and sweeping by her feet: wings. Butterfly wings. The Mist must have coated them before, but the brilliant colors shimmered like a stained glass frame for her hair. Like everything else about her, they were vibrant to the point of breathtaking. “We met over tea a few times. She was… fearless despite the fact that she knew I was a goddess. She wanted to make sure everyone knew exactly what was happening between the three of us. She didn’t trust Eros acting as a messenger.”

“She always liked to make sure things were done correctly,” Calex said.

Psyche laughed. “That’s a generous understatement.”

Staring at the colors of Psyche’s wings, he could picture his mum’s soft face, whether in a smile to appreciate a witty joke or a terrifying scowl to ridicule Calex for some act of stupidity. Calex swallowed. That horrible emptiness from this morning seeped into his system.

He told himself not to—that he didn’t want to talk about it. Still, the words came out of his mouth. “I used to resent going to mum’s clinic in Kakata every holiday. I often had to spend my birthday there, with Tom and Mum, while my mates were off in Playa Del Ingles, Saint-Tropez, or some other posh beach.”

Now, Calex wished he could be there. He wished he could have woken up this morning to his great granddad poking him and his brother with a walking cane while muttering a cryptic, Liberian aphorism. Then he and Tom, whining and complaining about the heat, would escort Mum to her clinic for a day of hard labor.

Now, when it came to his mum and brother, some days were better than others. He could sometimes laugh with Winston about something Tom used to do, or how hopeless they both were in the kitchen without Tiwa around. Other days, the house was quiet and cold without the buoyant conversation about Tiwa’s nightshift or Tom’s football match. Most of the time, Gretchen ran out with her mates, and Calex and Winston were working.

Today, Calex felt numb.

“Chiron said I could stay at Camp Half-Blood this summer, but Winston needs me here. He can barely afford the flat’s rent without Tiwa’s helping to pay. We might need to move. That’s one of the reasons I was so mad at Marie—the museum head—for forcing me to take the day off. I don’t care that it’s my birthday. They never cared about stuff like that before.”

He shrugged. “But… but this is my first birthday without my mum or brother. Gretchen won’t talk to me much. She hasn’t since… since I survived and the others didn’t.”

His little sister worried him and Winston, but he didn’t feel like there was much he could do. It felt like… felt like she blamed him for living, like it was his fault that their home had fallen apart.

Psyche didn’t say anything. She reached across the table and gently set a hand atop his. Over the last year, he’d become more accustomed to brash touching—Pax and Kally made sure to that. This was different. Something about her touch—she understood loss. Calex wondered how many lovers and children Psyche watched succumb to old age or sudden tragedy.

They sat in silence for a moment.

“Mum would scold me for dwelling on it so much. Tom would have hit me and told me I was being a twat. Especially on my birthday…” Calex laughed softly.

“Calex, you need to let yourself feel without getting mad about the feelings.” She squeezed his hand.

Calex glanced at her blue and white jersey, now shimmering into a sleeveless, short chiton, her glossy wings and hair, her sweet face and warm eyes. If she hadn’t met him at the football field, he would have kept to himself all day, with his phone off to ignore any contact with his mates. Gretchen would have stormed into the house without a word to him and Winston would have come home from work and collapsed in front of the tele without Tiwa to remind him of their birthdays.

Here, he was out of the flat, chatting with a goddess about his lunatic love prospects and his family. Insane, but much less bleak than he’d expected the day to go.

Calex didn’t know how to show his gratitude to Psyche.

The sadness in Psyche’s eyes made Calex squeeze her hand back. She raised her Fizz la Poir. “To living life in honor of those we miss,” she suggested.

He tilted his glass to hers. “I really need to get a different drink for toasting. I think Tom might be offended,” he said, taking a sip of his tomato juice.

They smiled.

The restaurant door opened and closed. Calex didn’t look over, but could hear some female giggles.

Now that he’d mentioned changing out his drink, Calex had to wonder where Amelia went. Normally, she was—

“There’s my favorite Teddy Bear.”

For a split second, he could see Psyche’s smile tweak with amusement. Then, the world vanished behind two perfect breasts as someone wrapped him in huge hug.

When the person withdrew, Calex found Merry beaming down at him. That green and gold, low-cut sundress wouldn’t have looked half as good on anyone other than her. Her hair was curled and Calex ached to realize this was the first time he’d seen Merry in smart dress for a party.

Glancing around Merry, he saw this was, indeed, a party. Kally gave him a huge grin and wave. She had her—and presumably Merry’s—birthday gifts under one arm. Her other arm held the unmistakable colors of her Manchester United jacket. Calex was happy the weather was too hot for her to get mugged for putting it on in the wrong town. Behind Kally, Piper and Jason entered the restaurant, glancing around the glass ceiling.

Paul, his crazy cousin, and one of their Arsenal hooligan mates stepped in after, noticed how Merry kept snug against Calex’s side and how Psyche sat across from him and gave Calex a subtle thumbs up.

“When did all of you get here?” Calex asked, baffled. He glanced at Psyche who was innocently sipping at her drink. “Did you do this?”

She shook her head. “Oh, no. I offered to get you here for lunch. That is the extent of my foreplanning.”

“This did this,” Merry said and pointed to herself. “You have a child of parties and revelry before you and you accuse someone else of orchestrating a shindig. I’m personally offended, birthday boy.”

A wave of euphoria struck Calex, and he didn’t think it was from Merry’s powers. He hadn’t seen any of them since he left America, at least a month ago. Electronics never agreed with demigods, so he struggled to properly keep in touch. Talking to his mates at home was uncomfortable. Everyone treated him different since he got back. Until Calex saw their smiling faces, he hadn’t known how much he’d missed them.

“Hi Calex!” Piper cheered. “Lacy had to pick up someone else, but she and Mitchell are looking for parking right now.”

Jason nodded. “Percy and Annabeth send their best, but they had some college-level monsters pop up.”

“We had a few ‘maybe’ responses, but the important people are here,” Kally said and punched his arm.

Out of his peripheral, he could see Amelia rush out with a pre-prepared tray of sparkling beverages. Paul and his mate, Oliver, helped her to set up some space for them.

“The most important people, Cyclops?”

Calex, Merry, Kally, Piper, Jason, and—to Calex’s alarm—Psyche, all jumped at the couple that entered the restaurant.

For a split second, Calex dropped his hand to his pencil pouch, containing Soul Pain, his bow. After a breath, he recognized the new occupant. It was someone younger and much more annoying than the person Calex had mistook the boy for. Beside the boy was someone else that Calex thought he may never ever see again.

Pax wore a familiar burgundy button-down and dress pants. His wild raven hair was combed back into a sloppy ponytail that curled and twisted. He wore his fully loaded utility belt with poisons and serums. Two revolvers hung out of his shoulder holsters and atop suspenders that were lined with darts. He winked his golden eye at Kally.

Calex had to wonder what the Mist turned all those weapons into when Pax was on the street.

Pax held his automaton hand out to escort a young woman Calex also didn’t recognize initially.

Upon examining her, Calex could tell she wasn’t wearing real clothing. The… dress? Or sometimes body suit..? The clothing she wore trembled and altered as they walked closer. The mesh itself came from intertwining leaves, vines, and flowers. Petals fell from it as she walked, leaving a trail of colors. Her feet were bare. The only solid thing that she wore was a sickle strapped across her back with a vine. Her unkempt hair was enlaced with more beautiful flowers, ones—Calex thought—he remembered being poisonous.

Her dark gaze was turned upward so she could grin at the glass ceiling.

When she met his stare, she smiled like they’d seen each other yesterday. “Hey. Nice choice in restaurant. What’s their best meal?”

“Euna?” Kally asked, covering her mouth with one hand.

Like Calex, her fingers had dropped into her messenger bag in a reflexive search for a weapon.

“Yes, a happy Euna, that looks completely normal and you should compliment her on realizing floral was in this summer,” Pax said.

Jason opened and closed his mouth, glaring at Pax suspiciously. Everyone knew the Romans had been searching for these two. Piper tugged on Jason’s hand. “It’s nice to have everyone together for Calex’s birthday, isn’t it?” she asked.

Calex could feel the calm of Piper’s tone.

“Yep,” Merry piped in. “All here to relax and party.”

Between the two of them, the tension in Jason’s arm muscles eased. Calex and Kally released their weapons. Piper tugged Jason to the side to look at a menu.

A bee flew off one of Euna’s shoulder plants as she and Pax approached Calex. She held out a hand and a root twisted down her arm to her palm. Upon resting there, something sprouted, in fast motion, and a beautiful grey and purple flower appeared. “I made you a flower,” she said. “It will alternate blooming from mid-spring to late autumn. And, as Axel would have recommended, you can use its leaves to kill your enemies. But, for real, what is the best thing on this menu?”

She set the flower into the vase on the table. All the other plants in the vase rose up to her hand, coming to full bloom.

“Lovely,” Calex said, staring at the beautiful, deadly plant, so close to where they were going to eat. “And—um—for you? Probably the Boeuf Bourguignon.” He said, fumbling to think of the most filling thing on the menu. He was so taken aback by her appearance—someone he thought he’d never see again, he felt silly giving lunch recommendations instead of giving her a hug.

She nodded, took a table, and was immediately set upon by Paul. Kally rushed over to make sure Paul didn’t unsettle the volatile daughter of Demeter. Calex had to wonder what Paul saw when he looked at Euna—a cute Korean girl in a floral dress? Someone nearly naked with… what would he think the sickle was?

Psyche’s eyes trailed Euna’s movements, proving not everyone invited knew about everyone else that could be coming. He imagined Merry “forgetting” that she’d be inviting Euna and a goddess and—if his dad showed up—a god. At least Euna either didn’t recognize Psyche or didn’t care. From their conversations that morning, Calex could also imagine Psyche coming regardless.

Pax withdrew something from a pouch on his utility belt. “She brought you a birthday gift. I bring you bribery.”

He handed Calex an envelope.

“The closest thing to a gift that a Pax boy can give when he doesn’t want to sleep with the receiver,” Merry said.

Pax tsked. “Merry, don’t jump to conclusions. I could have great interest in Calex.”

“Don’t even joke,” Calex hissed. He broke the seal. “I ought to open this now, oughtn’t I? In case there’s some sort of Morpheus powder?”

He expected it to be a drawing of weasels devouring him, as Pax had promised to make in the past.

Instead, there was a check.

For a moment of stupid belief, Calex felt his jaw drop. With as much firm denial as he’d previously felt awe, he said, “This is fake.”

Pax gave him that half-grin. “Now, really, you can’t know that until it bounces and you look like an idiot at the bank.”

Calex glared. He leaned forward. Short of excusing themselves, there was no way to keep Merry and Psyche from listening, but he had to put up the illusion of privacy. Judging from their overtly feigned ignorance and they way they lunged into a seeming personal conversation for supposed strangers, he suspected they knew exactly what was in this envelope before he’d opened it. “Pax, what dodgy thing did you do to get it and what are you getting at by pretending to offer this to me?”

“I haven’t done anything dodgy to get this,” Pax said. His fingers made a metallic clacking noise as they shuffled along his utility belt. “I was talking to your step-mom—”

“Aunt,” Psyche interrupted both their and her and Merry’s conversation. “Step-mom feels weird.”

“Auntie,” Pax corrected. “About your situation—”

Betrayal twisted Calex’s stomach. He hadn’t felt comfortable telling anyone, including Psyche, about his family’s financial situation. Now she was yapping to others? But… there was no way. He just spoke of it a few minutes ago…

“—with the whole Pax Pharmaceutical Company drugging and kidnapping you and causing you all that trauma,” Pax said flippantly.

Calex stared. “Pardon?”

“Pax Pharmaceuticals is currently going through a rebranding, but it would really hurt our image if word got out that members of the organization had done some nasty things.”

“Wait—” Calex could never forget the horrible events Pax was referencing—a year ago when Santiago Pax kidnapped all of them, drugged he and Merry, and killed Joey Song, Euna’s sister. That wasn’t where his confusion lay. “You’re actually bribing me?” he asked. Pax had been as much a traumatized victim as the rest of them.

In the bluntest answer Pax had ever said to him, the young Mayan gave him a sly smile. “Yes. Happy Bribe Day.”

“I put my hush money into a fund for Nikhil to go to university,” Merry said cheerily. “And he thought it was for us to go to Disney.”

“How cruel,” Psyche said.

Calex swallowed, staring at the check. “Psyche… you threatened to sue him?”

“Threatened is a strong word,” Pax said.

Psyche took a sip from her drink and gave him one of those dazzling smiles. Her wings fluttered.

Calex didn’t like the idea of owing this dodgy bloke a favor, even if the favor was silence. As he stared at the digits, he thought about how long this check would last them if Winston downsized their housing and they were careful. The money he made from his summer job could go towards plane tickets to visit his mates in America and, like how Merry was using hers, maybe go into a college fund for Gretchen. And, if they accepted it, at least then he’d know any money Gretchen made would go towards new clothing instead of rent.

“I’m thinking about using Kally’s money to take her on some surprise vacations,” Pax said.

Merry clucked her tongue. “Using hush money from a kidnapping to fund further kidnappings. Pax, you naughty one.”

“Oh!” He snapped his fingers, fishing out another envelope. “Wait—Calex, this is more important. Here is your birthday gift.”

After the first envelope’s content, Calex was worried. He tore it open to look inside, wondering if he should wait until later—

And found a depiction of a colossal weasel attacking Big Ben with what Calex could only assume was a stick-figure version of himself hanging out of the animal’s mouth.

He wanted to express to Pax how much he hated him, but couldn’t rectify that with the weird need to give the boy a hug.

Instead, Calex took something out of Axel’s old book of Etiquette in the Face of Pax and simply sighed, deciding to worry over the check later and enjoy the party.

Although the odd intermixing of groups was a right mess, Calex had a fantastic time. He enjoyed watching Paul and Oliver fawn hopelessly over Euna, Psyche, and Kally, watching Kally and Paul argue over football, and watching Psyche awkwardly dodge around Pax’s audacious humor. Poor Kally didn’t know what to do when Pax turned on his charm full blast.

Calex had to wonder what his mates would say if Eros really did show up. Others had said they could see the resemblance between the two of them. Would Paul and Oliver lose their minds to hear about Calex’s biological dad?

All that faded away though when the best birthday present possible walked into the restaurant. Calex was in mid-laugh, watching Pax snark one of the fizzy drinks up his nose when he saw Lacy and Mitchell—children of Aphrodite that he’d shared a cabin with last year—step inside. Behind them, the lanky, nervous figure of Winston came through, babbling about being late. Lastly, there were four teenage girls.

Three of them were people he hadn’t really seen much since they moved to St. Albans from their tiny flat in London when Calex was very young. One, a teenage girl with black-streaked blonde hair and punk clothing, winked at him, and he knew he would have to pretend he hadn’t seen her within the last year.

Lastly, came a beautiful girl with frizzy black hair, caramel eyes, and a deep tan. She wore punk clothing that ought to have died a decade earlier, though Calex was certain she’d gotten them from the blonde. Calex had to marvel over how the fierceness in Gretchen’s eyes reminded him of Tiwa’s.

They roamed inside as though their presence had nothing to do with the party—except that two of the girls, Liz and Emma if he remembered properly, where giggling and gasping at Calex’s presence. Gretchen always hated it when her friends got crushes on him.

On their way to a booth in the corner, the blonde nudged Gretchen’s arm and whispered to her. “Come onnn, Gretch. Your brother isn’t half as annoying as mine.”

Gretchen sighed, jammed her hands into her pockets, and glared at Calex. “Happy birthday or whatever,” she said.

Those were the first words she had said to him in weeks.

Calex knew she’d be furious if made a deal out of it.

Before he could bollocks the situation, she and her friends continued to the booth, away from the rest of them. Calex smiled after them, tuning out the noise from the other party guests. Although he still missed his mum and brother, everything felt… lighter…

When Calex brought his attention back to Pax’s antics, Psyche caught his eye and tilted her glass towards him.

Calex tilted his—now a proper pint—back towards her. She was right. He still needed to find a way to thank her, Merry, and Gretchen for making this day a brilliant one. For now, he decided he would keep true to their toasting, and live life to the fullest in honor of those he missed.

Footnotes:

[1] Calex would CRINGE at how full of himself this makes him sound. He would like to apologize and offer Pax shirts to all.

[2] Pike’s betaediting comment: “We slaughtered an ox right quick to honor God, no big deal, a little off, I suppose, but not any weirder than anything those hooligans get to after the World Cup.”

[3] Much to Calex’s irritation and frustration at which people she looks at as love interests.

[4] British Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs

[5] Forward for Arsenal. Ehem. Until Manchester United, Kally’s favorite team, swiped him in 2018. However, in this book series’ timeline, Alexis would have just started his Arsenal career. Can you imagine the look of horror on Calex’s face when he found out one of Arsenal’s best players was being transferred to Kally’s team?

[6] Mel suggests a quick dip in the River Lithe. Supposedly cures that RIGHT up.

Thank you for the read! And thanks for the request from anon!

#Traitors of Olympus #Short story #PJO #Percy Jackson and the Olympians #Heroes of Olympus #HOO #fanfiction #OC #Calex Rupin McKenzie #Psyche #Jason #Piper #Pax #Euna #Kally #Merry #Sadie (spot the sadie!)#Sorry I disappeared for so long!#Should be back to full gear in about a week or two!

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lumilasi · 7 years ago

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So. Originally I meant Adam be my main, but I decided I should go with Azul and Reuben instead, given how many connections they have to the other ocs I and my friend got. They are clearly more of the center of focus.

Also there’s a bio for Azul’s familiar Lasha.

Who is a total hoe.

At first glance anyway, there’s more to him than that actually.

Anyway, character bio;

Name: Azul Samaros

He/him

Height: 177 cm

Human mage

Age: 25

Dark Arts master of the Kingdom of Valencia

personality:

Azul is known to be very quiet, only talking when he legit has things to say. He’s also very blunt and honest, and has a dry sense of humor. He is the type to often take matters into his own hands and act before asking for permission.

He is a highly protective big brother, and while he tends to act like a dick to his lil bro (who acts like a dick back, it’s a bro thing) he loves Reuben dearly and would literally kill anyone who dared to hurt him.

Despite his apparent grumpy nature, Azul is actually far more patient than one would think initially, as it is really hard to make him angry. He can stand his brother’s mishaps and his familiar’s flirty behavior without batting an eyelid for hours.

Important people:

His brother Reuben: https://lumilasi.tumblr.com/post/174471835666/next-oc-done-this-time-its-azul-feisty-lil-bro

His teacher Lionel: https://lumilasi.tumblr.com/post/174634983311/i-was-supposed-to-finish-him-ages-ago-but-had

Alexander (his king, TBA)

Mellina (His Queen, TBA)

Helias (former ruler, Gwendolyn’s brother): https://lumilasi.tumblr.com/post/174053975541/so-ive-been-busy-with-working-on-designs-for

Gwendolyn (his GF of sorts and also an Empress): https://mad-hatter-rici.tumblr.com/post/174081334714/my-best-pal-since-2010-decided-to-create-a-tumblr

His brother’s Djinn and his familiar’s love interest Athem: https://mad-hatter-rici.tumblr.com/post/174755800804/athem-the-djinn-yeah-so-here-is-another-oc-for-the

Familiar Lasha (more info at the end)

Abilities:

Azul is a dark magic mage so he knows a lot about curses and summoning spells, and can perform those as well, not to mention create enchanted objects or poisons. He can also solidify shadows as a weapon.

He has the ability to put a sleeping spell on people, this one is sort of his trademark as he uses it a LOT, whenever he wants his bro or Lasha to shut up, or if he needs someone to rest due to their injuries.

He can also command Lasha as he pleases, though mainly uses the snake’s skills for intelligence gathering and occasional massages. He doesn’t want to use Lasha in battles too much both because the snake demon might go a bit far, and because he honestly is concerned the dumbass would hurt himself badly.

Weaknesses:

His tendency to act before asking for permission can sometimes lead into rather bad results, where he meddles into something he shouldn’t have.

He is terrible at making friends because most find him highly intimidating. He mainly really chats with his brother casually, or his familiar. Overall, he just has the tendency to come off cold and blunt, which might be learned from the way his teacher acted. His habit of not always getting enough sleep and staying up too much is also learned from Lionel, although in his master’s case it was fine, since as a Chesire, he didn’t need as much sleep as Azul does.

He is a skilled mage, but there are always those who are more skilled, such as his teacher, Lionel, and sometimes Azul overestimates his abilities.

Fun Facts

- Azul could be considered Demisexual, as one really needs to gain his trust before he can actually feel attracted to them - something Gwendolyn managed to do. He doesn’t care too much whom he’s romantically involved with, at least when it comes to gender. His current lover just happens to be a woman.

- Azul is pretty kinky and aggressive lover, which Gwendolyn actually enjoys a lot given how feisty she is.

- He sometimes contacts his wandering teacher trough Astral plane if there is more serious matter to discuss

- Azul’s most precious possession is a ritual knife he got from Lionel (the one he can use to contact him) his teacher, and he is highly possessive over this item due to the incredible emotional value it holds. He will get pissy if anyone touches it without his permission, and might either stab, curse or just punch them, or otherwise make their day miserable. The only two people who are allowed to touch it are Reuben and Lasha.

- His nicknames for Lasha are Lash, hoe, Slutnoodle and dumbass.(Lasha has a habit of flirting a lot, and before Reuben found Athem, Lasha also slept around quite a bit)

- He calls his brother either Ruby or Reubie (or dumbass number two)

- He himself is nicknamed “the Blue Demon” by the common folk because he tends to terrify them a lot.

- Azul is one of the very few people Empress Gwendolyn trusts to see the horrid scarring on her back from the demon attack century ago.

- Azul can go on for days without sleep, though usually someone eventually knocks him out when he starts getting ridiculous with it.

- That claw thing on his finger is something he uses to bleed magic essence from things. it is based on Helias’ feathers that have similar ability.

BG story in a nutshell:

Reuben and Azul were orphaned brothers whose home village was destroyed by a rampaging magical fire, which originated from their lunatic of a father trying to enchant Reuben’s elemental powers with a forbidden ritual, and causing the boy’s power to lash out of control. They ended up in Mirthas where they lived up to their late teens, during which time both were trained in their respective magic skills, Azul being trained by Mirthas’ master exorcist Lionel. After Reuben’s mental state got worse due to the nightmares and guilt over what happened back in their home village, Azul and Lionel decided to erase every bit of memory from Reuben’s mind regarding to the incident, portecting his sanity.

During their time in Mirthas, Azul summoned himself a familiar, who freaked Lionel out at first upon realizing he was the same type of demon as the one who’d attacked their Kingdom years ago. However, upon seeing how well Azul connected with the snake, he allowed the boy to keep it. He also managed to develop a bond with the then reclusive Empress of Mirthas, who’d been keeping herself away from public eye due to heavy emotional scarring and shame. Azul’s honest, no nonsense nature helped to ease the troubled Empress’ mind, and she grew fond of the young mage.

Azul ended up in his current Kingdom of Valencia after taking a trip there with his brother and the Empress, who was requested to aid her old friends with something. The two brothers grew fond of the human kingdom and decided to stay, especially after Reuben went and fell in love with their elder prince.

So that’s all about Azul for now

Here’s bits about Lasha

Age: Unknown, but he says he’s at least a couple centuries old

Height: 185 cm

Length (snake form): about 4-5 meters

Demon Type:

He’s what they call “Arthan” which refers to members of the lost kingdom of Arthanos who ended up succumbing into their own magic power and turning into demons. Another name - the one primarily used - is Silver Night Beasts as often they have an element of their body that appears like the night sky and glimmers silvery with “stars”

Personality:

He’s highly flirty, physically affectionate and seductive, coming off as somebody highly confident with their looks and not afraid to use that advantage. Most of the time he acts calm and well-mannered, though he is mischievous too, playing tricks on people (harmless; Azul would get pretty angry if he hurt people without permission) and loves being paid attention to.

That being said, he genuinely cares for his Master and gets highly testy if someone insults Azul or his brother Reuben. As a snake, he can act almost cutesy and silly.

When it comes to his master brother’s Djinn - whom he knows personally from the past - Lasha’s behavior can change drastically and reminds more of how he used to be as human; loud, aggressive, blunt and sarcastic. Athem just seems to know exactly how to push his buttons.

The same time it’s pretty obvious to everyone around them that Lasha still loves him and his blunter attitude is born more out of absolute trust towards Athem and lack of need to control himself and portray himself in a certain manner. basically, he acts a bit more natural with Athem.

He can also be extremely childish and playful around his childhood friend/boyfriend in a manner that resembles what he usually does only in his snake form.

Abilities:

He is IMMENSELY strong physically, able to even damage the most powerful creature types of their world like Nephilins (Gwendolyn and Helias) or White Tigers (Rayna) He can rip humans to shreds with ease, and his claws in human form are so sharp he can cut trough metals and thick rock.

He has four forms he can shift in between; a full human form with legs, a half-human, half-snake naga form with two variations; a “friendly” one where his human upper body looks like how he normally looks in human form, and a “demonic” look where his face turns more demonic with a snake-like jaw, no eyebrows and his hair turns inverted with colors. This form is also MUCH larger than normal, easily towering over people with being near three meters tall (not including the tail part, simply the human body) Last form is the tiny snake which is weakest, but he prefers it outside battles (or making out) as it conserves energy.

Lasha, like other demons of his kindred, has a curse he can inflict upon others; his is called “Euphoria” where he can inject or blow powerful poison on people that drives them to extreme bloodlust, or uncontrollable mad cackles that won’t stop, or other extreme types of hormonal rush or so, to the point they eventually die from too much stress put upon your body.

Lasha can traverse trough shadows like most demons and turn invisible, and see into people’s dreams. He also has a mental link with his master, able to communicate with him wordlessly.

He’s an excellent dancer as well and gives reeeally good massages.

Weaknesses:

Being a bound demon, he is not as powerful as he would be when freed. Like majority of dark beings, light magic is pretty effective against him.

Lasha has a demon-type specific weakness where someone using his original name from his time as a human can basically gain complete control over him, making him lose his autonomy entirely, both body and mind if the name-wielder wishes so. The only being able to override this enslavement is his Deity Belias as he always knows the human identity of his demons. Lucky for Lasha, finding out ones original name isn’t easy.

Unluckily, there is a person in his current life that knows it, though he would never use it against him voluntarily, as he loves Lasha. (Athem)

In his snake form, he is pretty vulnerable and can get badly hurt from just stepping on him.

His past has left him with traumas, and at times he might wake up in a fit of anxiety where he is unable to speak, nor change his form from whatever it is (snake or humanoid) even if he wanted to.

Fun facts:

- Lasha is a lil intimidated by huge ass tall people, because Mirthas’ Kingdom Bear shape-shifter guardian Cain accidentally stepped on him once. it hurt, a lot.

- He has a habit of nuzzling Azul’s hair as a form of innocent affection; it’s a habit he developed during their first year of knowing each other.

- Lasha’s favorite people to flirt with for shits and giggles are Azul and Gwendolyn. His flirting style is very different then though, when compared to the person he actually loves; Lasha can be very well spoken and charming when flirting with peeps he’s not serious about, but with Athem he can be absolutely childish.

- His curse bases on what he felt when he first transformed into a demon; in Lasha’s case he was in the middle of a bloody battle and was enjoying it to a disturbing degree.

- Ironically, he’s actually calmer now as a demon than he was as a human, according to Athem who knew him when he was human

- Lasha’s favorite napping spot in snake form is his master’s shoulders. In human form he sleeps on Azul’s bed as it’s often unoccupied anyway due to Azul’s night-owl habits. He does also like to go and use Athem as a pillow whenever he’s available.

- The ruby pendant he wears in human form is the symbol of his contract with Azul, as it used to belong to Azul originally.

BG story in a nutshell:

Lasha was once a warrior of Arthanos, a lost Kingdom known for its dark magic and powerful warriors. He was one of the “channelers” warriors who could channel their deity’s magic power. Like every Channeler, he was paired with a normal warrior, who happened to be his childhood friend Athem.

Athem had been in love with him since they were kids, and always tried to reign in Lasha’s violent tendencies, though rarely succeeding in it. In turn, Lasha found him an “annoying nag” or “party popping, straight-laced, goody-two-shoes bore with a stick up his ass, and not the good kind.”

Despite his harsh words, Lasha did actually return the feelings aimed at him, he just didn’t want to admit it openly.

It was Athem who was forced to banish Lasha into the dark realm once he transformed, as Lasha almost killed him. The snake didn’t really recall Athem or any of these events up until he appeared back into his new life as a Djinn.

Sometime during his demon years, Lasha was under another master who treated him horribly, thus resulting into his traumas.

The reason why he adores his current master so much is because of his past experience, as Azul is actually decent towards him - aside from the name-calling and smacking his head when he misbehaves - which Lasha is really glad about, as part of him still yearns to be treated like a human and not a monster.

Wow.

Lot of stuff here.

I’ll update this later on likely, right now my brain is emptied out of creative juices after typing all that on the fly

Art and characters (C) Me

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