#ive had this in my drafts forever and only just now finished it

[haleandwellmet]

a little apollo/lester illustration inspired by a scene from the TOA fic Apollo and the Aftermath by ceruleancats :^)

[triglycercule]

horror's about to get his shit rocked i guess but its ok he got to say a cool line. anyways i had this silly little idea :3 horror deserves to be the one inflicting pain onto killer sometimes anyways it can't ALWAYS be killer being sadistic 😒😒😒

[iraprince]

Hey Ira how do you finish stuff? i've been working on a project for months and i just cant find a way to complete it

see, the thing is my first instinctive response to this question was "idk, because i feel like i never finish anything either!"

i mean, obviously i DO, i finish stuff for work etc and if i really never finished anything then there would be nothing on this blog. but from where i'm standing it feels like the amount of stuff i've actually finished is like, a tiny tiny drop in the massive ocean of stuff i've THOUGHT about or WANT to do or maybe have even STARTED but are all collecting dust on the back burner

i think ive had the idea for project catboy since, like, 2017 or something, and i still only have the first draft outline done; i keep thinking i'm not ready to do it justice yet. i think the villains win has existed for a similar amount of time as a concept and i DID finally start it but i've been too busy/occupied w other things to continue. i've been wanting to open an online shop and sell prints + merch for years now, and have done maybe one or two steps in that direction, but then it keeps stalling and getting lost amidst my other more pressing to-dos

basically: i am always working on projects for months (and years!) and never finding ways to complete them, and any personal project i do end up finishing feels like a huge outlier most of the time

so i don't really have solid advice bc i struggle w it so much myself, but i guess i do have a "hey, you're not alone." just keep banging away at things and eventually some of it will pop through, even if most of it doesn't. if i try really hard to skim over the stuff that DOES get done and find a common thread, it's either 1. i literally Had to (work stuff etc,) or 2. i was EXTREMELY passionate/excited about it, and i had a plan/the scope was visible + digestible (i knew how it was going to end or i was kind of aware of all the parts that needed to come together, rather than just kind of writing/drawing endlessly into the abyss without being able to visualize how much progress i was making). if there's no end in sight, maybe the next best step is getting more specific/granular about what the end would actually look like; a lot of times i find that i THINK i know what a project would need to be done, but in reality it's all just a pretty vague concept in my head, and i never actually sat down and hammered out the steps of what i need to do/make! if you have a fixed endpoint, you can ALWAYS be inching toward it, even if it takes forever.

(also, do it shittier. im being so serious. whenever u get really stuck, do a shitty job just to get onto the next step. if you hit the finish line you can always go back and improve/redo things, but a lot of times you might look back and be like "actually the low effort version is fine, in the big picture")

[therealslimshakespeare]

my dearest darlingest marina i need you to know you have broken me quite thoroughly and i might never ever forgive you for it as long as we both shall live ! ❣️

to clarify- ive been saving "let's fall out of love" to read later ever since you posted it cuz i didn't feel ready- didn't think i was emotionally stable enough to read it then. well, tonight ive been clearing out my list of unread fics from last year aND GODDAMN WAS I EVER RIGHT ABOUT THAT.!!!

started getting all weepy and shaky before that first courthouse bathroom conversation and i didn't ever stop 😭 sobbed so hard and for so long at the unfairness of it all (for both of them !) i gave myself an asthma attack and had to stop reading.. what really broke me was e's bittersweet and somewhat detached realization on the courthouse steps that all their kids had flocked to laney during the divorce. couldn't stop thinking abt how badly i would've wanted to tell jesse off for being sharp to his daddy, and the knowledge that elaine COULDN'T, that it wasn't quite over yet and she still had to save face for a bit longer despite how much it killed them both, despite being the only person who could truly understand just how deep elvis was hurting right then and having been the one who'd made a whole life out of loving him hard.......... the idea of him resigning himself to having lost that forever (false) and her having to go against everything in her nature to let him ache a while longer,, oh it just shattered my spirit to bits right then and there. oh god im gonna start crying again just thinking about how lonely they both made each other 💔💔💔

im literally inconsolable, even with the reasoning behind it/ knowing how it ends beforehand, and having those future timeline fics to fall back on did nOT SAVE ME like . dear GOD woman how is that even possible?!?? if i had any shred of humanity left in my body id wax poetic for three more paragraphs abt how that speaks to your truly absolutely outstanding talent as an author and worldbuilder, but alas i think i cried out everything that was keeping me sane sometime in the last half hour and now i have to go lie facedown on the floor in my hallway and die abt it all instead 👍 fantastic work as always i love all your work so much forever etc etc 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

ps: it took me the better part of an hour to type all this out since ive lost the water content of approxinately a small ocean w my tears and am doing physically poorly in response 🫠🫠 so thanks for ur patience in this trying time 😔🙏

I spun around in circles upon reading this like my poor coon dog when she had a stroke -jovially of course. Like this is the stuff every writer dreams of getting for feedback but holy smokes, your talent for screaming? Beyond my wildest dreams. I’ve always told you how much I appreciate your time and enthusiasm to tell your thoughts Mary Hope, and now is no exception. My babe and co-author @elvisabutler deserves the pleasure of reading what we’ve wrought, as well. I’ll be halving all your medical and psychiatric expenses with her. 😏

Tbh, despite knowing both imminent and longterm reconciliation was to happen after this segment, we were just as cut up about tearing them apart as you were to read it. In fact, it was worse than all the lead up fics where the passive aggressive accumulation of grievances came across as hurts but ultimately only aggravations. This is just…PAIN. Funny how what was untenable before a tragedy suddenly appears to have been idyllic after it. Anyways.

Thank you for reading, here’s some Kleenex, albuterol and do know the sequel to this divorce is in drafts, so not finished AT ALL but it is in the works.

Not that it’ll hurt much less than this one. 😈

[notedchampagne]

20 questions for 20 writers!

tagged by @waitineedaname i am surprised i qualify for this game thank you

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

15 :] thats a good number can we all pretend like thats all im going to write forever now

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

148,323 oh my god

3. What fandoms do you write for?

homestuck before, tlt now. i had one haikyuu draft i was too embarrassed to post or finish

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

intern the sixth - 975 kudos (holy crap)

songs made on the meteor - 636 kudos

love in its disrepute - 587 kudos

secondhand confession - 485 kudos

first kiss second time around - 433 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments?

i try to reply to all of them but i lose steam Very Easily

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

M.I.L.F! it is also the ONLY fic i wrote with what i consider an angsty ending. im ridiculous for putting only hideous fluff out there im sorry someone has got to put me down

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i cant answer this because all my fics were engineered to rot your teeth with sweet stuff. i cant reread my old fics to determine which is the worst because they make me embarrassed

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i got hate exactly once but it was more like unwarranted criticism of intern the sixth - someone complained that they felt the dialogue was complicated and that harrowhark was swearing at the age of 12 because she has been running the ninth for 2 years. personally i just disagree with their interpretations of the characters so haha

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

no and if i ever do take it as a red flag ok?

10. Do you write crossovers?

i actually hate crossover fics most of the time im sorry daljfsjacio30

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

dont think so

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but @/thatneoncrisis revises + writes dialogue chunks for intern the sixth sometimes

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

haha. [gritted teeth] grdlhrk..

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i have a wip where gideon and harrow undergo perfect lyctorhood and live forever. i hope i PRAY i finish it one day. i also wrote 3328 words for that one sakuatsu fic and i dont think ill finish it but it TORMENTS me that noones read it. if you wanna read it just dm me

16. What are your writing strengths?

i know uhm... how to sway the algorithm. ive read enough fanfic to know the exact diction and order of words that will get people hooked. sometimes i edit my friends' fanfic summaries so that theyll get more clout on ao3

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

finishing the damn writing. i write so slow ok its a miracle if i can make 200 words in one day. also i write dialogue in 'my' voice before translating it into character voices so i struggle with keeping things in character

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

impressive! could never do it though

19. First fandom you wrote for?

[gritted teeth] hmstck....

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

im really proud of MILF because i wrote that thing in one fevered afternoon and i dont know what came over me

[astranauticus]

ok one last post about the Project to truly exorcise it from my brain. just some process/design thoughts (also now that it's done if you want to read my liveblogged whinging for whatever reason here it is)

first off some stats because i kept stats like the nerd that i am:

time wise making this animatic took about 93.5 hours give or take (thanks procreate process replay) spread across exactly 2 months

anyway when i said i finished this project mostly through stubbornness and sunk cost fallacy this is what i meant lol like a lot of my thought process through this was just 'no way in hell am i letting some of these drawings disappear into my drafts forever'

on average each frame took about 2 hours 45 minutes but thats a bit of an overestimate since i forgot to count some of the animated bits from the first two lines (so id guess the actual number is more like.. 2 hours 20 minutes?)

btw that line with the starry apparition fading away? 12 hours total

the single longest and most painful frame to draw was the one of the crew walking through tu'narath (5 hours 30 minutes) because a. perspective b. architecture design c. for some reason i put a lot of detail into rendering the armour on all the githyanki i drew why on earth did i do that

(its especially painful bc that frame was one of the ones that didnt... feel like an important enough moment in the actual story of the show to be worth capturing the way the wish or even like, endellion is, i just needed to put that there for the storytelling flow or whatever of the animatic itself and it bothered me so much)

one other interesting little mishap was that i did all of these on canvas size 1080x720px (so that's why the youtube resolution isnt particularly high lmao) which is why procreate let me put an absolutely absurd amount of layers in one canvas (all 8 frames of with memories projected on the astral sea were done on one canvas. 159 layers) because the layer limit for that canvas size is 400 BUT. i accidentally started the starry apparition fade on an A4 canvas (my default canvas size for like all my normal fanart) and i only realised after finishing all the lineart and starting on colouring because i hit layer limit so i had to resize the canvas which did... interesting?? things to the lineart resolution

also if youre wondering how i drew K-LB that many times in something resembling timely fashion the answer is i sacrificed some... amount of sleep to 3d model and rig him in blender which. honestly? i consider it a roaring success

splitting the frames by bar was a Choice and certainly a choice ive.. had doubtsTM about but thats the kind of thing you cant really change without bringing the whole project crashing down so if the frames seem to move a bit too fast im so sorry there was really not much i could do there

idk if people actually noticed the very very tiny drawings of the crew moving around on the ship in the 4th line especially since they sometimes get obscured by the subtitles but the REASON for that is in my original drawings the subtitles went in the top left corner but they kept conflicting with other stuff so i just gave up and threw them to the bottom (also i originally included the chinese lyrics but then i got lazy lmao)

anyway that little detail like VR-LA angstily looking at the sea reminiscing about the JourneyTM and the crew sort of appearing along with the memories of their adventures together was one of those things that seemed SO COOL in my head but once i actually execute it its like. hmmmm not sure if that worked out the way you thought it would buddy. also the tiny crew was EXTREMELY hard to draw so put that down as another point in 'me subjecting myself to deeply painful and out there compositions for no good reason'

anyway i called this my magnum opus but i do actually have some thoughts about another one (a companion piece, if you will) for another song by the same band because now that i know what capcut can do im.. really itching to try something a little different because this like powerpoint presentation style? fully a product of me using iMovie as my only available video editing software for the past like 7 years of my life

[todayisafridaynight]

OH I WAS JUST REMINDED CAUSE the angle on Jo in the last panel is similar to how I remember some shots of Takita + The General Premise Of Being Sick ☠️☠️And also that I was gonna tack it onto my ask about Day with the Sun but I didn't think it was relevant enough... but yeah... We Can Only Hope...

I can't say much about the show mainly because I was in a rut and couldn't engage with any media I tried to watch at all for a while [and with a stream, I couldn't pause to process things]; that said, it was insanely successful for a reason, and if nothing else it'd probably be fun to watch before you play Judgment and see how it influenced the games! I also really love Amamiya [the female lead] and Hiroshi Abe never disappoints :]

DO NOT BE ASHAMED TO ADMIT YOU ALREADY KNEW... I didn't know that's what Krillin's name was derived from... very fun trivia :] But yeah I love Nakai's dogs and his blog posts Dearly... it's actually kinda funny too because I spent ages the other day trying to find any other characters of his who wear unbuttoned shirts for reference [during which I also kept running into media that had no subs or wasn't uploaded at all so ☠️ I'm glad you found A Ghost of a Chance!], and I completely forgot about these pics until now...

Anyway here is a bonus Tsutsumi with his dog :] he got it in 2018 for his daughters...

LASTLY I think you should give Arakawa his stubble back so I can scritch him under the chin As God Intended and I think you should write a sequel to Sons of Bosses so I can line up with a bowl :]

OH fair fair fair 😩 if its anything, since watching more jdramas and movies ive borrowed how camera angles are done in those SO it is vaguely intentional for it to be reminiscent of dramas :]

once i strongarm time from Life i'll surely give it a watch (❁´◡`❁) im forever grateful a lot of jdramas are only 10-12 episodes long, it makes binging shit HELLA easy and gives me motivation to watch and finish things ♪(´▽｀)

it's actually so unfortunate a lot of nakai's movies and shows are practically exclusive to japan (if not myself just constantly being reminded i should be better dedicated to studying japanese..) (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) still, it's what makes finding anythin he's in all the more enjoyable and has me all the more grateful （*＾-＾*）

BUT OH MY GOD TINY BABY PUPPY HIIIIIIII handsome feller.... what a cute coat... what a silly face pattern ive never seen a dog like that..... epic .........

arakawa-with-stubble has been cooking in the back of my brain for a LONG while (i've Mentally drafted a few comics that take place during a time where he'd reasonably be growing some), im just a lazy bastard who never draws any of those ideas (╯▽╰ ;;) sequel to Sons of Bosses may be a thing... depends on if i can force this goofy brain of mine to work and write three fics in one week..

[rotwrists]

I'm not exactly knowledgeable/articulate about art so forgive how this sounds, but I'd like to say that it seems like you have a really nice grasp of character design and line economy... people in your art style seem concise to me; you seem to know exactly how many/which types of lines and shapes you need to use to depict a silhouette, which then allows you to add details that build characterization and/or purpose (ie a zigzag of body hair, sweat drops, wrinkles, a hair out of place from the rest on a character's head, etc.). These also make the depiction feel more human IMO, which is something I personally love to see + really aspire to learn to include in my own art.

Obviously your art style may only appear to be this way to me because you've only posted a few pieces on tumblr so far; your more rendered art and your non-character-focused art probably have their own charms.

Originally when I started typing this out I just wanted to compliment the way that you draw characters having piercings that aren't in their canon designs, but as I started writing it out, I realized that what I appreciate about your art is more than just that lol. Thank you for sharing it with the world

OMG!

Okay i had this ask in my drafts forever, but uhm thank you so much. Ive been very discouraged with my art and etc etc and im glad you like my doodles ;_; i do love rendering too, ill post some finished stuff one day. been in a slump which affects motivation. anyways, thank you so much. Fuc k.!!! Ive beenbsuper deppressed n allat so i took 4ever to answer sorry! i just wanted to give this a proper post because this means so much 2 me! (Also, your second part of the ask im trying to draw stuff for LOL)

oh also most of all, ive always wanted to be a story artist !!!! i hage 1 im working on now to "i dont want to die" by the unicorns!

ty for supporting me even tho im a little niche and new tumblr, i have so much more i plan to work on, but oh man ty. a lot of my design comes from how i learned to draw curly hair bc i hated my hair growing up + also adding piercings i have on characters i see myself in or putting piercings on characters that i would think suit them.

[nagdabbit]

20 Questions for Writers

tagged by the ever lovely and incomparable @sybilius 💜

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

251,933

3. What fandoms do you write for?

aew/wrestling right now, stranger things in the fairly recent past, marvel in the far distant past but those fics have been lost to time and we're not gonna revisit them ever

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

all of my top five are st harringrove fics, which checks out

lamp-bright rind - celebrity chef billy, unable to cook lawyer steve, they're neighbors, there's mistaken identities, there's cooking lessons, there's healing, there's kittens named after varying kinds of pasta

lit up like a match - soulmate au with trans billy. the idea being, what name would appear on your soulmate if you were trans

keep me in your glow - a sequel/companion to lit up like a match

sugar, butter, flour - the first st fic i wrote, a tiny stranger than fiction-ish au, but without the author narration

to carry within us an orchard - a prequel to lamp-bright rind where billy and robin get extremely drunk and bond

5. Do you respond to comments?

i used to be really good about it, but about the time i was finishing lamp-bright rind, i had what i affectionately refer to as a "hit burnout so goddamn hard i lost my entire mind and will to take part in the ever-loving hell of online existence" and just like. stopped writing for a long while. and as i started getting back into writing, and actually logged in to ao3, the number of comments in my inbox genuinely frightened me and the imposter syndrome portion of burnout recovery hit like a freight train, and i still just can't figure out how to make myself hit reply. i cherish the ones that i do get tho. like, so nuch

this has been ✨🌟 therapy appointments are only so long we haven't made it to that part yet 🌟✨ with your friend daggs

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i don't think ive written anything with an angsty ending, now that i think about it. not posted, at the very least. the choked out series, if id ever got around to still caring about it enough to finish it, would have had an HELLA angsty ending (the draft after mox left wwe and popped up to attack elias)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

lamp-bright rind. just pure golden softness. the dewy soft, morning light, quiet of a kitchen with your beloved, while a ring box weighs down your pocket kind of happy.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not since the way back of the marvel fandom, when i could scarcely sting a sentence together

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i have, but not well and i generally stay away from writing it

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

never been posted, but there is a hobbs and shaw/13 rounds 3: lockdown wip that lives forever in my docs and will never be published

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that ive ever seen

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but i think it would be fun!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

oof. shit. eddie/mox (/renee). they compel me.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i feel like the bookshop will never get finished and i hate it. like, i know how it's supposed to end, so, just gotta get there

16. What are your writing strengths?

pfft i have no goddamn idea

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

too many words for too little meaning

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i don't think ive included other languages in what fics ive posted, so i haven't actually had to think about how id do it all that much recently. i dont speak a second language, despite my entire family being and speaking swedish, so i feel like i struggle with using other languages in my writing. like, i have no real or true context for how this conversation would go, so i feel like i fumble and use the wrong words or sentence structure

whatever language is being spoken, i like to actually see it in fics. like, i don't like to see it already translated and in english until I've reached the end of the fic. when im in it, i like to actually hear the language and use the context of the story to understand it. or if the narrator isn't the one speaking, have them translate it in character, however (un)reliable they might be. that's just a personal preference tho

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i was a bandom baby in the way back of middle school and that's as close as we're getting and we will speak no more of it

20. Favorite fic you've written?

probably come through callin'

it just. kinda happened very suddenly, at a time when i really needed it and it's just really, extremely important to me

tagging anyone and everyone reading this, if you can read it you have been tagged tell em daggs sent ya

[brightfuturenovel]

weekly update two: eyes on the prize (but how?)

the best way i've found to keep myself on track for long-term projects like this is to set a series of incremental goals. in this case, i've been setting daily, weekly, and monthly goals, as well as a couple overall goals.

i created these before i started writing, because i know my own abilities pretty well. if you aren't sure how much you can write in a day, experiment! don't strive for something you won't be able to achieve, because it'll only end up making you feel like a failure. which is no good at all.

if anyone is feeling unsure of where to start, here's a breakdown of my goals, as well as my reasoning behind them!

my daily goals are the most rigid. it's 750 new words per day. that can be changed if i don't think it will work with another goal (for example, ive had to increase my daily word count goal to 1,200 this week, because i wasn't going to meet my monthly goal). these daily challenges keep me motivated with consistent, low-stakes tasks to complete. i get a little dopamine hit every single day. it's fantastic.

next up, i have weekly goals. these are pretty much always just my daily word goal times 7, but they help keep me accountable for the daily goals. it's a deadline that's far-off enough to not be last minute, but close enough that i don't forget that it exists. also, if i finish a weekly goal super early, i get to relax for a day or two! it's built-in downtime, which keeps me from getting burnt out.

next on the scale, i have monthly goals. these are word count totals i have to hit. they're mostly there to keep me on track, and make everything fit into perspective. they let me look back at when i started in mid-august and realize exactly how far i've come, and exactly how far i have left to go. these goals are much more aproximate, and i'll almost certainly end up changing them wildly as i get closer to the end of drafting. for now, they're my north star, always pointing onwards.

and, of course, i have my overall goals. days that i have to be done drafting, be done editing, and the absolute last day i can start submitting to publishers. these are less goals, and more deadlines. there's no fudging the numbers here. without these deadlines, this project would stretch on forever, and i'd immedietly get bored and move on. that's not an option, so the deadlines are my solution!

my advice to fellow writers: keep these goals in your mind! write them down somewhere! on your calendar, in your document, on a sheet of lined paper that you tape to the wall over your desk, anywhere! also, don't beat yourself up for missing a deadline or not meeting a goal. in the end, you should write because it's fun, and if you stop having fun, you'll stop writing. and we can't have that.

[bitchassbucky]

.zip

Word Count: 2k

Warning/s: toxic/abusive relationship dynamics, gaslighting and manipulation, abduction, injuries were mentioned, stalking, dark!bucky x dark!reader, emotionally/mentally unstable!reader, dismemberment (not gore-y but still), three very special character mentions, shady corporate stuff, career sabotage?, food mention, sedation/drugging, f-words.

A/N: oh my god, this is the final chapter of CTRL. to all who read from the start, thank y'all so fucking much - from the bottom of my big-ass heart, thank you so much for coming along with this journey. this is my first FINISHED series, oh my god. to @babyboibucky (CTRL's number one fan), @sarge-barnes-sir, and @borikenlove thank you so much for indulging my inner degenerate GHJSDFG and for screaming (affectionately) at me when i first let y'all read the finished draft.

BUT THIS IS NOT THE END (just yet), i will be uploading TWO epilogues very soon: the explicit version and the not-so-explicit version. stay tuned!

follow the CTRL series:

i - .exe

ii - .avi

iii - .raw

iv - .png

v - .zip

epilogue:

.eps (explicit)

.eps (cut)

CTRL playlist CTRL moodboard

Your demeanor, character, even tone, changed.

Calculated, cold, unnerving.

But you sat there like a housewife in front of her husband, eating spaghetti and meatballs. Acting all dandy like there isn’t a man strapped onto the chair four feet away from you.

“C’mon, darling, eat! I made your favorite,” your eyes twinkled as Bucky helplessly tugged on his restraints, “oh, sorry, you’re tied up.”

Hm, sick in the head, bad for the heart.

“What do you want?” Oh, wow, even talking hurts for him. His throat is all dried up, he tasted something bitter under his tongue.

You chuckled, moving half a meatball around your mostly empty plate, “for you to stop treating me like I’m stupid.” You spear the meat with your fork, swirling it in the sauce, “I know you’ve been… checking in on me, Bucky.”

Oh, fuck.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I was-- I mean, look at you--” He’s making it worse. You’re mad. You’re angry because he was being a good friend.

He only did that because you were lonely and he’s right: you are lonely.

So lonely that you’re willing to kidnap a grown man to keep you company, “I’m so sad for you.”

“You’re aware you’re the one’s been tied up, right?” You’re curt as you should be, scooting over near Bucky to feed him.

“I can’t eat that—” If he wasn’t sitting down and tied, Bucky would’ve vaulted over you and called the neighbors, she’s fucking crazy!

You giggled, rolling your eyes as if he had the freedom to make a choice right now, “if you’re thinking of screaming… More than half of my neighbors are felons or on parole, I doubt that they’ll call 911.”

Jutting forward the fork, you let the prongs gently touch Bucky’s lips, “now, eat! We have so much to talk about.”

“No. I don’t-- I’m not hungry.” He shakes his head, the fork hitting his chin and clanking down the floor.

“Just eat the fucking food, Steve!”

Bucky flinched at your sudden outburst. The words—the name—seeping in a moment later. Steve? Who the hell is Steve? Was he your husband? Boyfriend? His head throbbed again, his mouth filling with saliva like he’s about to throw up.

You kneel down, pulling a napkin from the table to wipe the meat and the sauce from the floor.

“This better not stain.”

—

He promised thrice.

Once over pasta and meatballs, once over dessert, and once when you were clearing the table.

You relented, of course. Half because you love him and half because it’s getting annoying.

“As long as you don’t leave me, okay?”

“Yes, I promise. I won’t leave you.”

Bucky’s still seating on the dinner chair, slightly slumped without the ropes holding him up, “look, I’m really sorry about the anesthetic, I went overboard with it.” You look over to him—at least he’s regaining his fingers and arms again.

“It’s okay, babe, I wouldn’t trust me either.” If he could stand up, he’d go over and hug you. Helping with the dishes, peppering you with sweet kisses.

A genuine laugh slips out of your lips, “ugh, still… I’m really sorry.”

The last of the plates were neatly stacked, cups and cutleries were placed gently on a drying rack. It was getting late, you could tell.

“I’m not mad, by the way.” You muse, prompting Bucky to lean forward, listening to you.

“What do you mean?” He takes your hand into his, ever so gently.

“You did that,” you squeeze his hand back, gazing into his soulful eyes, “because you love me.”

Did you know that some people could read microexpressions well? Bucky went through a whole lot of them before answering, “of course, I do.”

Contemplating whether you call him out on it or not, you hum, placing a gentle hand on his jaw, “it’s okay, you’ll learn how to love me.”

He has to. He has no other choice.

Bucky clears his throat, “have you seen my phone?” His tone was hopeful, upbeat, maybe he can reach out to someone, anyone, before you can do any more damage.

“Yeah, ‘s on the couch.”

He tried to move, he really did. Bucky’s fairly strong, he can bench an easy 140 on a good day. But even the beefiest motherfuckers have no match for Propofol.

“Don’t worry about your friends, they’re not worried about you, Buck.” The coolness of your tone sends Bucky into a panic—again. “D’you wanna check your messages though? There’s a lot of ‘em.”

Grabbing his phone, you asked Siri to read him his latest notifications.

Urgent: Notice of Immediate Termination

From Joaquin: Where are you, man?

From John W.: Do you have copies?

Urgent: Notice of Immediate Termination

Urgent: Gross Misconduct

From Joaquin: Bucky, what the fuck?

From Samuel Wilson: Pick up the phone, Barnes. You’re fired.

17 missed calls from an unknown number

From John W.: I knew you were a freak but holy shit, dude!

72 text messages from an unknown number

Bucky never really liked horror movies. It made him jumpy and anxious. Too paranoid, even. But now? Now he’s sure that people have never experienced sheer fright before.

His toes cramped inside his boots, his feet were cold, sweating. The little hairs on his legs stood up, goosebumps littering the entirety of his body. If he held his breath, he’s sure he could hear his heart hammering out of his chest. The blood rushes past his ears and onto the base of his skull—he’s gonna be sick.

“What,” he gulped back the saliva pooling in his mouth, “what did you do?”

You’re irritatingly calm, “well, I mean… We’re already together, what do you need those for, right?”

Putting a warm hand over his forehead, you cooed, “poor thing, you look sick.”

—

Bucky thinks it’s well past midnight when the anesthetic wore off.

His limbs were heavy, he had to lean on the wall every couple of steps to regain his balance. Helpless. He’s helpless and you both know it. As if it’s a bear trap, Bucky carefully took his phone from the coffee table.

Why would you leave it unattended?

The screen lights up as soon as he picked up, his lock screen littered with ‘fuck yous’, ‘sicko’, and his personal favorite, ‘motherfucker.’

Ignoring the glaring messages, he went straight for the emergency dialler and—you took out his SIM card, snapping it into two neat pieces, placing it beside the phone.

Bitch.

The golden surface of the card was scratched too, he can’t do anything, use it as a toothpick, maybe? His phone was just as good as a paperweight.

He looks out of the window, limping towards it. Even if he could climb over, it would take him forever to get onto the street. Your neighbors would probably think that he’s just on a bad trip.

“It’s bolted shut. Perks of living alone as a single female.” Your voice made him flinch back, like a kid whose hand was halfway down the cookie jar.

Bucky plays it off with a cough, he can’t be weak now, “no, babe, I was checking out a noise. You ready for bed?”

You smiled softly, taking his hand and draping his arm on your shoulders as you prop him against you, “almost, big guy. Gotta get you settled in bed first. Are you tired?”

Nodding, Bucky kisses your temple, “yeah.” He just needs to play with your sick little games until he regains his strength.

Where would he go? His reputation and his job are besmirched, his apartment is probably crawling with forensics too.

“You fell down and banged your head earlier. Nasty cut on your head too. I told you to not tire yourself much.”

You hit and drugged me but I digress, “Yes, darling. ‘M sorry.”

“You scared me, Buck. I thought you were dead.” Are these tears forming in your eyes?

“I’m not leaving you, not by any chance. I promise.”

He promises a fourth time.

—

Your bedroom was bigger than he thought. But of course, he only saw your desk and your bed through the webcam.

Save from the Ted Bundy-esque corkboard you have in front of your workspace, he feels weirdly at home. You tucked him in, reminding him to wake up every two hours for the painkillers.

“You’re not going to bed?” He muses from behind you, all cocooned in your blankets.

“Just need to take this phone call real quick, babe.” Your back was turned from him as you work on your company laptop. He noticed that the webcam is covered with white tape.

The sound of an incoming call filled the room before you quickly answer it, your voice turning hoarse and raspy as if you’ve been crying.

Hi, Mr. Wilson. I’m so sorry for the late call. Do I- do I need to come in tomorrow? I just... I don’t feel comfortable facing everyone—I used all my home hours this week and—

Miss L/N, I’m glad you reached out to me. Is it okay if I record this call for security purposes? It’s just for you, me, and the HR department.

You turned to Bucky, your face is stone-cold but your voice belonged to someone so utterly helpless.

No, you don’t have to call into work tomorrow… Or any other day.

A dainty gasp and a fucking sob comes out of your mouth, your eyes were telling a different story.

Am I fired?

God, no. Please, Miss L/N, don’t worry about that. We want you with us through this entire debacle. We want you to take some time off—paid. We’ll also grant you… a grievance package.

You could almost hear what he would say next.

As long as you don’t talk to any members of the press or any journalists until our friends in the PR department can clean this up.

A triumphant smile creeps on your bare features, putting a finger in front of your lips, you mimic a ‘shh’ gesture to Bucky.

You round up another mirthless sob as the CEO drones on about the bureaucracy of this whole thing.

He was really nice to me, you know? He took me out on dinners and lunches. He even brought me to his place and I– nothing happened but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m really sorry, Miss L/N. I thought he was…

A good guy? I really thought so too.

Please stay offline for a bit, just for the weekend, alright? Someone from the HR department will be in touch with you for the process. We don’t wanna be a hassle more than what Barnes is. On our behalf, please accept our deepest apologies.

Jesus, this guy had the PR department cook up an apology letter.

Thank you—thank you so much, Mr. Wilson. I’ll keep in touch.

You burst out in laughter a second after the call ended. Hearty laughter, the one where you can feel your belly tightening.

“Did you hear how good I was, baby? Oh my god, we had them fooled.”

We? Fuck your ‘we.’

You slide over the covers, propping up yourself with your elbow as you turn to face Bucky, “don’t worry, you don’t need them anymore. You have me, yeah? We have each other.”

—

Out of the most bizarre things that happened to him last week, finding dismembered fingers in the fridge was the least of his concerns.

“Honey!” Bucky calls out, holding the ziplock bag with a pair of tongs.

You bound down the stairs, your laptop in hand as you squint, “what am I looking at?”

Bucky hesitated, maybe he’s going insane too, “fingers. Dismembered fingers—are these yours?”

Setting down the laptop onto the table, you peck him on the cheek, smiling as if him holding a baggie with human remains is just your Sunday normal, “god, I hope not. I need my hands to do things.”

As soon as you look back at him, you dropped the facade: “those are Steve’s. Well, used to be.”

Bucky’s afraid to ask the question where’s the rest of him?

“You know the term pinky promise, right? Well, it has a dark origin.”

Just as fast as a bustling train, Bucky rakes his brain for all the times he promised you something. Hoping that he won’t end up with a stump for a hand.

One vividly bright memory is seared into his brain though, the days blurred together with sharp edges and mismatched colors: we love how we were taught to love.

So, who taught you how to love like this?

[astoldbygingersnaps]

oceans between us, the definitive playlist.

in honor of me finally finishing atonement au after nearly a year of watching the second chapter languish in my drafts, please enjoy a complementary playlist that you can find here.

tracklist is located beneath the cut:

❤️ chapter one ❤️

i. when i fall in love; nat king cole: when i fall in love it will be forever / or i'll never fall in love / in a restless world like this is / love is ended before it's begun.

ii. center of attention; jackson waters: but i'll take my time if you want to / and i'll give you whatever you need / and i’ll wait a life time to give in to you.

iii. it had to be you; ray charles: for nobody else gave me a thrill / with all your faults i love you still / it had to be you / wonderful you.

iv. animal; troye sivan: i want you all to myself / don't leave none for nobody else / i am an animal with you.

v. nevertheless (i’m in love with you); the mills brothers: somehow i know at a glance / the terrible chances i'm taking / fine at the start, then left with a heart / that is breaking.

vi. gravity; sara bareilles: you hold me without touch / you keep me without chains / i never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love / and not feel your reign.

vii. i’m confessin’ (that i love you); doris day: i'm confessin' that i love you / tell me, do you love me too?

viii. wildest dreams; taylor swift: i said, "no one has to know what we do" / his hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room / and his voice is a familiar sound / nothin' lasts forever / but this is gettin' good now.

ix. emotions; brenda lee: emotions, what are you doin'? / oh, don't you know, don't you know you'll be my ruin? / you've got me crying, crying again / when will you let this heartache end?

x. oceans; seafret: it feels like there's oceans / between me and you once again.

xi. i’ll never smile again; tommy dorsey & frank sinatra: within my heart, i know i will never start / to smile again, until i smile at you.

💔 chapter two 💔

xii. dancing with your ghost; sasha alex sloan: holding on too tight / head up in the clouds / heaven only knows / where you are now.

xiii. black coffee; sarah vaughan: i'm talkin' to the shadows / one o'clock till four / and lord, how slow the moments go / when all i do is pour / black coffee.

xiv. the chain; ingrid michaelson: my room feels wrong / the bed won't fit / i cannot seem to operate / and you, my love, are gone.

xv. sleepwalk; renee olstead: please come back and when you / walk inside the door / i will sleepwalk no more.

xvi. waves; mr. probz: wave after wave, wave after wave / i'm slowly drifting (drifting away) / and it feels like i'm drowning / pulling against the stream.

xvii. i’ll be seeing you; billie holiday: i'll find you in the morning sun / and when the night is new / i'll be looking at the moon / but i'll be seeing you.

xvii. after dark; mr. kitty: the night will hold us close / and the stars will guide us home / i've been waiting for this moment / we're finally alone.

xix. tonight may have to last me all my life; nancy wilson: leave a memory / to keep me company / tonight may have to last me all my life.

xx. come back when you can; barcelona: come back when you can / let go, you'll understand / you've done nothing at all to make me love you less / so come back when you can.

xxi. we’ll meet again; the ink spots: we'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when / but i know we'll meet again, some sunny day / keep smiling through, just like you always do.

xxii. shrike; hozier: i couldn't utter my love when it counted / ah, but i'm singing like a bird 'bout it now / i couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted / ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now.

xxiii. it’s been a long, long time; peggy lee: you'll never know how many dreams / i've dreamed about you / or just how empty they all seemed without you.

xxiv. moon river; frank ocean: two drifters off to see the world / there's such a crazy world to see / we're all chasin' after all the same / chasing after our rainbow's end.

xxv. at last; etta james: you smiled, you smiled / oh, and then the spell was cast / and here we are in heaven / for you are mine at last. 

[an0nymousghost]

my answers to simblr asks v1 because i don’t think i did a mass post like this. 

1. how big is your mods folder? 15 gb, i don’t have my giant hair folder in rn

2. how would you describe your style? maxis-match, reshade/cartoony/dof aesthetic

3. what is your favorite challenge? 100bc obviously. and those completionist ones that take 400 years to finish

4. do you make cc? if so, what kind? age conversions of hair and recolors. and once in a blue moon i convert earrings or something

5. what type of cc do you hoard? hair, always and forever. my hair folder is sooo organized but i dont keep it in my game because it is very hard to find anything; there’s literally over 1000 items in the catalogue. also this is just female hair, for kids/toddler i use my own stuff and there’s really not enough male hair for me to mass hoard

6. what default eyes and skin do you use? intoxicated v2 - i’ll use this for the rest of my life emerald eyes by forgottengrotto

7. how many urls have you had, and what are the meanings behind them?

i have had 4:

celeschul - a play on “celestial” because that’s how you pronounce it an0nymousghost - the 8th level of the criminal: oracle career stardze - relating to astrology (star daze) teauke - sounds cool i guess; also i really wanted a short name

i don’t think i’ll change my url anytime in the future because it would be very annoying with all the broken links. i personally hate it when blogs have broken links so i don’t want to add to the problem. also, an0nymousghost is such a nice simblr url, it’s actually got a connection to the actual game. it is already confusing enough with the an0nymousghost/celeschul thing, but that’s mainly just because an0nymousghost is a long url and doesn’t really fit on package titles or thumbnails

8. who is your favorite gameplay blog? i have a personal blog and on there i only follow my faves: @leafykii, solarlemonade, ratboysims, @simprising​, myshunos, @aridridge, @whimsyblue. 

9. who is your favorite storytelling blog? idk i dont follow stories

10. who is your favorite cc creator? im not super involved in cc rn but aharris00britney and clumsyalienn who does those beautiful hair strands. oh yes and myself of course 

11. how do you edit your photos? reshade + action + psd. it’s complicated but the reshade takes 0 effort and ive struggled with editing forEVER im happy with this one

12. what is the last screenshot you took? idk im on my macbook 

this is the last screenshot on my mac LUL. rip to this hair which has been a wip for 10 million years. 

13. what do you do when you are unmotivated? nothing; right now is a good example. i have a queue so you probably can’t tell, but i’m super unmotivated to do anything. like i could make cc or play ts4 but i really just don’t want to (that’s why im writing this). idk why, but either it’ll pass or my blog will be dead forever. xo

14. who is your current favorite sim? i said the fae sisters for my other post but i really like noelle’s husband claye! i think my female sims are always wayyy more attractive than my male sims, but claye might pull in front of noelle tbh. he looks much better with the emerald eyes (the cartoony ones) 

also i consider all my sims to be good people, and claye’s kindness comes from him always taking care of leila and israel because noelle is off at work and such. oh and noelle’s way more...experienced than him when it comes to relationships

15. who is your current favorite sim that is not by you? no one really comes to mind, i haven’t been focused on like one specific sim lately

16. recreate someone else’s sim in your style. nah

17. do you talk about sims with people in real life? yeah. i don’t want to keep secrets from my friends (i used to have a secret ig account and it was a cause of major stress) so i just mention it in passing. honestly if they’re not cool with me having a sims blog, we can’t be friends. none of my irl friends play sims tho :( 

18. how many of the packs do you own? 23/38 or something along those lines

19. how many posts do you have on your blog currently? 1665. i have more followers than posts, something that i never achieved ever on my old blog because i had like 4 gazillion posts

20. how many drafts do you have on your blog currently? 7, they’re all just shitposts or asks 

21. how many posts are in your queue currently? 17

22. have you ever moved blogs? 2 times. celeschul -> stardze -> an0nymousghost. also i moved my multifandom sideblog once but that url has changed soo many times

23. are you in any sims related discord servers? yeah. though, i cant stand discord for a totally-unrelated-to-sims reason

24. what are your thoughts on the most recent pack? (paranormal) this is an outdated question but i still do not care about this pack. lol

25. how many hours have you played sims? 1039 hours

26. if you play gameplay, do you play with mods? yes, a lot

27. what’s the farthest you’ve gotten in a challenge? 100bc, i got to like 56/100 kids in my first attempt. this is TECHNICALLY farther than random nightmares, which i feel like i completed more of but i only did 50% of that challenge. i wrote on my blog that i completed random nightmares but in my heart, it’s not complete until 10 generations. so i just said that to make myself feel better. i’ll do a season 2 sometime...sometime

[alistircrat]

Hetalila Fanfiction Recs

Here’s a list of some of my favorite Hetalia fanfictions. Most have pairings, which I’ll specify. I put this up because I know I’m always on the lookout for good fanfiction and I wanted to help out anyone else who’s in the same boat :D Feel free to add onto this or rec me some too ;) Also a good master list of the ones I like LMAO. I’ve noticed I either like tragic, angsty fanfiction or really fluffy ones. A lot are rated M. And a LOT of USUK and Spamano #srynotsry Disclaimer: I did not write any of these; they all belong to their respective authors.

Update: Ive had this sitting in my drafts for like over 4 years and i began it when i was super into hetalia n fanfiction LMAO, what better time to post this when i should be studying lmao its nearly 4 am halp

UsUK

The Secret : Rated T, 32k words, 5 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete Arthur's sister, engaged to prince Alfred, is killed before she even meets him. Arthur's parents do not want to shame themselves by ending the engagement and force Arthur to dress like his sister and marry Alfred instead. But can this secret be kept? (note: very interesting!! I loved every second of it)

The Courting of Alfred Jones : Rated M, 26k words, 13 chapters, Romance/Hurt/Comfort, Incomplete Alfred Jones is the most popular guy in school and also extremely homophobic. This is why Arthur is his new favourite 'victim', but Arthur has no intentions of grovelling in the dust for him. Punk!ArthurxJock!Alfred (note: Rated M, so there IS some explicit material and I advise viewer discretion. Another highschool AU. Sad that it’s probably not going to finish but it’s worth the read)

When I Only Wanted to Save the World : Rated M, 29k words, 11 chapter, Romance, Complete Alfred is a firefighter in New York City. When he gets badly injured, he takes a trip to London to recover. There he meets a man named Arthur, who ends up helping him recover from wounds he didn't even know he had. (note: warmed my weeb heart)

United Again : Rated T, 31k words, 7 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Arthur gets a letter in the mail informing him of his school's ten year reunion.

Unexpected : Rated T, 5.7k words, One-shot, Humor/Drama, Complete World Academy. When Arthur was asked to tutor the star of the American Football team, he expected several things. Sitting in an apartment full of Asian children was not one of them. (cute!)

The Invitational Year : Rated M, 208k words, 41 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Alfred is an awkward dork, despite the fact his dad is President. Arthur is a member of British royalty, and he's a perfectionist loner. Both boys are given an invitation to attend the prestigious World Academy and, naturally, they're roomies. (note: A favorite of mine! Quite long but very much worth it. Highschool AU. Can be silly yet dramatic. Anyways, you should read it! Viewer discretion due to sexual themes)

The Sophomore Year : Rated M, 173k words, 34 chapter, Romance/Drama, Complete After meeting at boarding school, Alfred and Arthur became unlikely friends and then lovers. Now, they'll face their sophomore year in America and all the challenges that come with being young, famous, and madly in love. (note: sequal to The Invitational Year)

And All That Jazz : Rated M, 98k words, 22 chapters, Romance, Complete Alfred is approached by the Student Body President, Arthur, for help on his math exam. They hate each other, but maybe opposites can attract with the help of something unexpected. (note: I love this fic. Highschool AU. Also involves music...cuz liek yknow the title)

1912 : Rated T, 52k words, 9 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Cynical, overweight and bored in the dull twilight of his empire, Arthur finds distraction in the form of rekindling his relationship with Alfred on board the RMS Titanic during her doomed maiden voyage.

The Arrow was Shot : Rated K+, 5.8k words, One-shot, Romance, Complete In order to win his family's respect, Arthur enters a tournament to win the Princess of America's hand in marriage. At the tournament, he befriends the mysterious Alfred- a fellow competitor who is equally determined to win. As he and Alfred grow closer, he begins to question what is more important to him: his family's respect... or Alfred.

Flirting with Failure : Rated T, 2k words, One-shot, Romance/Humor, Complete Alfred just wanted to get one date with Arthur Kirkland before the semester ended. To do that he had to speak with him. Thus, he was set up for failure.

Hero Frequency : Rated T, 12k words, 3 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete America's got the coolest and most awesome band in school, and he's totally going to win the Battle of the Bands contest. Or at least he might, if he can get England to put aside their past issues long enough to play guitar...

The Gentleman and the Hero : Rated T, 57k words, 21 chapters, Romance, Complete World Academy students have been paired up for an anonymous email exchange program, so they can talk to someone about school and personal problems in private. These are the emails of two students nicknamed 'The Gentleman' and 'The Hero'. (note: I also love this. I find it very cute and also very in character. I want an email buddy lol. Highschool AU)

Breathless : Rated T, 35k words, 4 chapters, Angst/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Arthur Kirkland never thought that golden boy Alfred Jones would ever have a reason to attempt suicide. Then again, how much did he really know about the oh so popular blonde? The rumor mill would surely chew him up and spit him out. (note: p sure this is another favorite of mine. Though angsty, I really enjoyed the development between the two. Highschool AU. Really great read!!)

Static : Rated T, 45k words, 9 chapters, Drama/Romance, Incomplete Sequel to Breathless. Arthur always thought that the incident with Alfred's arms would forever be the biggest hurdle their friendship would face. But as the looks change and the touches linger, it becomes frightfully clear that he was dead wrong about that. (note: continues after Breathless, but not finished ): worth the read anyway)

Ask Me Anything : Rated T, 7k words, One-shot, Romance/Humor, Complete Alfred starts to follow Arthur on tumblr. It's not long until they become friends... and possibly more.

The Cost of Affection : Rated M, 61k words, 32 chapters, Angst/Romance, Incomplete Being a whore is easy: all Arthur has to do is spread his legs and take the money. He doesn't have to face his past; nor does he have to deal with love. And for good reason - because when he does fall head-over-heels for someone, he's forced to realize that his sins go beyond prostitution, and that even as he rediscovers himself, his past is coming back to haunt him after all.

You Can’t Take the Sky Away From Me : Rated T, 113k words, 32 chapters, Adventure/Romance, Incomplete Ace pilot America is on a mission for the World Military when a chance encounter with a group of sky-pirates leads him to team up with their captain, England, against a malevolent group that wants to fill the sky with zeppelins. (note: Steampunk AU. This is a really cool fic!)

We’ll Meet Again : Rated M, 43k words, 13 chapters, Romance/Angst, Complete WW2 AU. London pub owner Arthur Kirkland is driven to distraction by loud, brash American fighter pilot Alfred Jones. Unable to stop it, Arthur finds himself falling for Alfred's charms... just as the pilot is preparing to leave for war. (note: a hetalia fandom clASSIC. MUST READ. unfortunately the OG fics were deleted so someone reposted it, giving credit to the OG author George deValier. this will rip ur heart out n tape it poorly back together)

Franada

La Patisserie de La Rose : Rated M, 35k words, 6 chapters, Romance, Complete Accountant Matthew Williams is used to being unnoticed, ignored, and forgotten. That is until pastry chef Francis Bonnefoy appears like a burst of colour in his dull, grey life. 

AmeViet (yes, Vietnam!)

Hard to Get : Rated T, 57k words, 20 chapters, Adventure/Romance, Complete During World War Two, serious, limited Vietnam meets the boisterous America. Amid fighting, friendship, and stress, America tries to get Vietnam to like him, but she won't let that happen. Or will she? (note: One of my all-time favorites, unforgettable. I can never find fics of this pairing, it’s so hard! But this is a really great fic, highly recommend. also after learning more about Vietnam history, i might give this yet ANOTHER re-read with my new perspectives)

Of Broken Promises and the Taste of Freedom : Rated T, 1.4k words, One-shot, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete Vaguely, Vietnam wondered if this was what freedom tasted like. If perhaps, the hot waves that crashed through her body and set her skin on fire was what it was like to know that you are truly free.

GerIta (apologies, I don’t read too much GerIta LOL)

Auf Wiedersehen, Sweetheart : Rated M, 104k words, 18 chapters, Romance/Angst, Complete WW2 AU. Feliciano Vargas is a passionate, if slightly scared, Italian resistance member. Falling in love with a German fighter pilot was the last thing he expected... and it will test his national loyalty, and his heart, to their limits. (note: another VeraVerse, so well written! you will not ragret. also a repost since Og was deleted, all credit to George deValier)

RusAme

Dear Diary : Rated T, 55k words, 17 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Alfred F. Jones isn't gay. Just read his diary; you'll see. (note: I absolutely love high school or college AUs, omg. Also this is hilarious. I can really relate to how Alfred's rambling)

PruHun

The Most Awesome Date Plan Ever : Rated T, 7.5k words, 6 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete It was foolproof. He had worked out every plan, every detail and each possible outcome almost guaranteed him Elizaveta's love. Until it was ruined by Gilbert's two cockblocking best friends. (note: funny and cute)

Táncol? : Rated K+, 24k words, 6 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Elizaveta is determined to find out who Gilbert wants to ask out for the school dance. If that means bullying his friends, being hired by Gilbert to slave over a cake, and invading his diaries, so be it. (note: Another favorite! Very cute)

Hello Hurricane : Rated T, 61k words, 18 chapters, Hurt/Comfort/Tragedy, Complete Sequel to "Táncol?" Elizaveta, Ludwig, Francis, and Antonio are forced to watch Gilbert slowly fade away every day. (note: It might seem like I have lots of favorites, cuz I do and this is one of them. Warning, I cried a lot towards the end. Highly recommend)

PruCan

That Song Called Love : Rated T, 62k words, 25 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Matthew had always resigned himself to a fate of musical obscurity on a supporting instrument, but after meeting an ex-delinquent named Gilbert, he just might learn to take the lead. (note: contains other minor pairings. Although she doesn’t play a huge role I’m so happy Vietnam is in it Dx)

Operation Not to Hot : Rated T, 10k words, 2 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete Gilbert Beilschmidt is dorky, nerdy, and has serious confidence issues. He doesn't really care about himself until he sees Matthew Williams, AKA super-hot-hockey-jock. With Matthew's heart in mind, Gilbert undergoes a complete transformation. (note: funny story. Prussia being Prussia)

Overdue : Rated T, 12k words, 8 chapters, Romance/Supernatural, Complete "Well, Gott, Mattie, at least look someone in the eye when you tell them you're a ghost. Make a good impression!" (note: cute lil one-shot series)

I Have all Summer to Fall For You : Rated T, 162k words, 38 chapters, Incomplete At school, Gilbert makes fun of Matthew, and Matthew just wants to be left alone. But then when the hot days of summer roll around, and they have nothing but free time, things happen that NO ONE could have planned for! (note: MY ALL-TIME FAV PRUCAN FiC Ever. Probably will never finish but the length and quality make up for it)

PruAus

Please Don’t Read the Verdict : Rated M, 57k words, 11 chapters, Romance/Crime, Incomplete District Attorney Roderich Edelstein is faced with a gruesome, controversial murder. He has three months to build a case against the accused, but more than his will to prosecute may be destroyed in the process. (note: sadly not done, but highly interesting!)

Lily of the Lamplight : Rated M, 27k words, 4 chapters, Romance/Angst, Incomplete WW2 AU. Austrian musician Roderich and German soldier Gilbert are forced into an army prison unit and a fight for survival on the Russian Front. But in the midst of blood and death and hell on earth, how long can they fight their desire for each other?  (note: MY 👏 FAV 👏 VERAVERSE 👏 I loveeee this fic, I’m so SAD it’s nEvEr going to be completed. Savor those 4 chapters. Luckily theyre long *cries* Also love the set of main characters, including Prussia, Austria, Berwald, and Poland. Also listen to the song the title is based off of, i luv it too)

SuFin

Cheers to a New Life : Rated M, 94k words, 47 chapters, Romance/Family, Complete Sweden could only find a job as a Kindergarten teacher and the famous Kirkland's little Peter happens to be enrolled into his class. But it is not Mr. Arthur Kirkland who is picking Peter up, it's this angel with the greatest ass Berwald's ever seen. (note: viewer discretion, mostly on later chapters. also has cute lil Peter/Sealand)

My Heart, In Segments : Rated T, 14k words, 10 chapters, Family/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Berwald is a man left alone, and Peter was a kid left behind. Berwald's not really the perfect dad, Peter's not really innocent anymore, and Tino's not really sure he's ready for something so real. But, maybe... Maybe it's time.

In Want of a Wife : Rated T, 41k words, 18 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete Berwald's life is turned upside down when he is accepted into Hetalia International University, and everything changes for the better when he catches a glimpse of his future wife who lives down the hall. Who cares if Tino doesn't accept it yet? (note: Human AU; Lietpol is a bonus in all this hehe)

Treatment : Rated T, 55k words, 12 chapters, Romance/Humor, Incomplete Tino is a young psychology major, well known for being kind and eager to help others with their issues, but less so for his habit of profiling "patients" on campus. His therapist's eye has fixed on Berwald, but will he be the one who ends up on the couch? (note: Though not fully done, it’s one of my favorite sufin fics. Also hilarious bahah)

Catch Perfect : Rated T, 35k words, 8 chapters, Romance/Friendship, Incomplete When Berwald loses everything he is forced to move into a share house with an insane Dane, a sociopathic Norwegian, an unfathomable Icelander and a perfect Finn who makes it all worth putting up with. (note: can be crazy and random, which is probs why I liked it so much. also by George deValier I believe, reposted onto wattpad after it got deleted)

DenNor

Hummingbird : Rated T, 61k words, 12 chapters, Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort, Complete Lukas' only goal in life was to take care of his younger brother, until he was diagnosed with an irregular heart rhythm. His originally peaceful stay in hospital was interrupted when the loud, cheerful Mathias was moved into the bed beside him and refused to leave him alone; yet as his health began to deteriorate, the Dane decided to fall in love with him. (note: I love this fic so much, it’s also another favorite of mine. Very cute but with lots of angst, ahhh just what I ordered)

Secret Crowds : Rated M, 3.4k words, One-shot, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete An explosion leaves Denmark with a permanent brain injury and Norway struggles to find his role in their relationship as the line between lover and caregiver begins to blur. (sad and touching)

I also read a lot of DenNor so im like ?? where the fics at LOL. but i think i read more DenNor doujinshis, so that’s def something yall should look into

Spamano

A Beautiful Story : Rated T, 16k words, 10 chapters, Tragedy/Romance, Complete Lovino Romano Vargas is a suicidal designer who is unhappy with his fate. One day, he chances to meet Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, who turns his life upside down.

Flashlight : Rated T, 38k words, 11 chapters, Parody/Romance, Complete "If I throw a tomato at you, vampire bastard, will you still sparkle under the sauce?" (note: OKAY SO This is actually a Twilight parody w Romano as Bella and Spain as Edward. I don’t really like Twilight but I really like this version of it lmao. Funny and a good read. Mostly Romano’s POV, cRACK )

New Batteries : Rated T, 41k words, 10 chapters, Humor/Romance, Complete Sequel to Flashlight. "WELL, I NEVER LIKED YOU, EITHER. WHAT NOW, YOU STUPID SPARKLY EXCUSE OF A VAMPIRE?" (note: also a parody, just the sequel to the previous one listed. I understand the Twilight plot through these better than the original)

Kismet : Rated M, 174k words, 52 chapters, Romance/Fantasy, Complete Lovino learns the hard way that things change and that they can change quickly. The necklace fell and now he's in a strange land far from home. Will he ever see his brother again? Will he find his way home? Or will he discover home is where the heart is? Fate is a strange woman and can work in mysterious ways. (note: RATED M, viewer discretion. the author has a list of warnings on the first chapter you can look at so you know what you’re reading. Fantasy AU)

Catch You, Catch Me : Rated M, (basically)37k words, 7 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete Clumsy, clueless detective Romano is on the trail of the infamous handsome and charming thief El Apasionado Caballero. But there's more to this, what seems like a simple game of cat and mouse, than meets the eye.

The Bet : Rated T, 20k words, 9 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete When someone kisses you, and then moves away you'd think that would be it. But when Antonio comes back from Spain he wants Lovino to be his again. Except Lovino now hates Antonio...which sucks for Lovino because Antonio isn't going to let go that easily.

Zero Tolerance : Rated M, 55k words, 24 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Lovino lives a perfect life. Or atleast thats how he is suppose to appear. Antonio lives a life as a dangerous gangbanger. North Side meets South Side as these two are partnered in their Chemistry class. But there is one chemical reaction these 2 arent prepared for- Love. (highschool AU)

Breathless in the Atmosphere : Rated T, 31k words, 3 chapters, Hurt/Comfort/Romance, Complete Antonio only needed money for marble. He needed to make his art. And a chance encounter on the subway offers him a job as a male escort. It was just for the money. He could stop anytime he wanted to. Really. (note: viewer discretion advised. contains prostitution and suicidal ideation)

Before the Snow Falls : Rated T, 19k words, 2 chapters, Romance/Drama, Complete Lovino, jersey number nine, right winger. He was ready to pass the ball, ready to set up the win, but Antonio, opposite team, center fielder, was ready too. Someone thought, and someone didn't, and they crashed. Hard. A few months later, Lovino's on crutches, Antonio has scholarships, and they have to deal with the aftermath of what happened.

Door to Door : Rated T, 3.5k words, One-shot, Humor/Romance, Complete Do not open the door. It could be a zombie, an unwanted boyfriend of your brother's, or a persistant salesman by the name Antonio Carriedo.

Numbered Lithograph : Rated M, 133k words, 29 chapters, Drama/Romance, Complete When Lovino starts attending art school with his brother he finds his most important lesson doesn't come from his professors, but from a culinary student at a sister school: sometimes the flaws hold the beauty. (note: Probably my favorite spamano fic. Very touching. Has fluff and angst)

Bésame Mucho : Rated M, 48k words, 6 chapter, Angst/Romance, Incomplete WW2 AU. Lovino Vargas only ever wanted something exciting to happen in his boring, everyday Italian village existence. He never expected war, Resistance, love, passion, treason, or a cheerful, confusing, irritatingly attractive Spanish freedom fighter. (note: ANOTHER 👏 ONE 👏OF👏MY👏FAVS👏 BUT SAD BC ITLL NEVER FINISH HDUEOFREGH. Also by George DeValier and reuploaded onto wattpad (originally on ff.net)! I’m in love with the writing. Incomplete but sooo worth the read.)

Bad Touch Trio (may or may not contain pairings/slight pairings)

Oh No, We’re Hot : Rated T, 1.4k words, One-shot, Friendship/Humor, Complete In which, after a summer apart, the Bad Touch Trio realizes that they have become really attractive. Really slight hinted Spamano. (note: I absolutely love the BTT, this is a cute short fic about them)

The Trap : Rated T, 4.7k words, One-shot, Friendship/Humor, Complete The prompt was Prussia and Spain meeting France for the first time, thinking he's a girl, kiddy-courting him, then finding out he's a boy, but still kiddy-courting him. Exactly as wacky as it sounds. (note: another cute story about the BTT and their rad friendship! I need this in my life)

Multiple Pairings

Playing Cupid : Rated T, 24k words, 15 chapters, Romance/Humor, Complete In Everett High School there is a secret club called the yaoi club. It is their job, during Sadies, to set up couples. This year Elizabeta has an ambitious plan. She is going to find a date for the infamous Lovino Vargas. Her choice is Antonio, unfortunately half the girls want to ask him too. Will she and her friends succeed? Spamano, UsUk, Prucan, GerIta, others (note: very cute highschool AU! highly recommend! also contains many of the hetalia girls, which is amazing~)

No Pairings

Bad Pasta : Rated T, 13k words, 6 chapter, Mystery/Tragedy, Complete Kiku and Arthur trade rooms. (note: Author also made a game based on this posted on deviantart: Bad Pasta game. I really liked it, especially since I’m into hetalia fangames and whatnot. warning, contains death of characters)

Fun with Former Vikings : Rated K+, 63k words, 17 chapters, Friendship/Family, Complete Brothers that are too awkward to even stand next to each other, husband and 'wife,' and that one guy that drinks a lot. The Nordics couldn't be any more different. And neither could the situations they get themselves into. (note: I love love love the Nordics. This is also probably one of my all-time favs. I love them as bros Dx)

God Only Threw the Humans out of Paradise : Rated K+, 4.5k words, One-shot, Friendship, Complete 12 years is nothing in the life of a Nation. But to a puppy, it's a lifetime. This is a look at 12 years of England's life through the eyes of man's best friend.

Gutters : Rated M, 98k words, 20 chapters, Adventure/Drama, Complete 'The Calamity' has left the world stripped and dying. Alone in a civilian bunker in Munich, Sealand will be reunited with the last known living member of his surrogate family and together, they will set out across Europe to find those they have lost. (note: It’s an adventure story starring Sealand and Denmark. Can be really intense and eMOTIONAL i cried like a bitch, highly recommend. Probably one of my 👏 favorite👏  fics of all time)

Ditches : Rated M, 2.4k words, 2 chapters, Drama/Family, Incomplete Prequel to Gutters. In the days leading up to The Calamity, the world braces and families struggle not to be torn apart.

Breathe Me : Rated T, 66k words, 21 chapters, Angst/Hurt/Comfort, Complete "God I'm so fat." "No, Alfred. You're not. You're –" "Stop it! I am and you know it! The whole world knows! Just stop okay?" Trigger Warning, Human AU, and F.A.C.E. Family. (note: very important TRIGGER WARNING due to mention of eating disorders, verbal abuse, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.)

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ my reality is a cruel fall without you.

date: august 2020.

location: ash’s living room / ash’s therapist’s office / ash’s apartment studio.

word count: 1,822 words, excluding lyrics.

summary: -

triggers: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification.

i.

ash has been through this exact writing process three times prior and he’s picked up some tricks. defining the seasons in the context of love had become easier for him as he finished their respective songs one by one.

winter had been the cold of the world driving two people together.

spring had been the honeymoon phase.

summer had been the oppressive weight of a long-term relationship taking its toll.

now, it’s time for him to write fall.

ii.

it’s been a year.

ash can’t remember anything in his life ever feeling quite as heavy as that promise ring had the night he’d slipped it off the chain around his neck and passed it out of his grasp for the last time, a mere six months after he’d put it on his finger and thought he’d had everything figured out.

“i love you so much, but we both know this isn’t working.” 

(i love you, but not in the way i thought i’d been looking for my whole life any more.)

if he’d looked at himself from the outside, he would have felt silly for feeling his entire core splitting in half as the silver ring clattered onto the table, his resolve too weak to thrust it directly into the other man’s hand, but there’d always been the unspoken understanding that the ring was more than a silly promise.

a public declaration of forever in a relationship as an active idol is, by most accounts, socially impossible. making that forever official in the form of government documents as a same-sex couple in south korea is, by all accounts, legally impossible.

forever had been a big thought to a barely twenty-three year-old, and it’d only grown more massive the longer it hung over ash’s head blissfully unacknowledged for the sake of his own happiness, for the sake of the idea of finally getting his own happy ending. he’d get there one day. then, it wouldn’t feel so all-encompassing, so terrifying, but months had passed and he’d felt like he was only getting farther away from that one day.

it hadn’t gone unnoticed to ash that, without fail, he’d been the one to deflect from the topic of forever when talk between them became too real. with time, it started to weigh him down. one day, he looked up and found he wasn’t on that cloud high above everything anymore.

he was in a different world and he couldn’t see a way he’d ever be able to climb back up to be on even ground.

so, it had ended at ash’s hand.

ash had once heard a person needs half the time they were in a relationship to get over it, so looking at the calendar and seeing august come around once again, that hill should officially be behind him now.

so why does he still think about it with sorrow at times like these?

how are you? how are you doing without me?

he has no intentions of writing a song about him for his fall single at first. he only wants to distract himself on the anniversary of the last ending he’d faced. the last one he’d ever face if he’d learned anything worthwhile.

but when does he ever learn?

his piano is an old friend at times like these. if the wood had any consciousness within it beyond what he projects into it in his most desperate times of need, it would surely judge him for how he goes back to it like clockwork in his times of emotional distress, but the rest of the world will judge him less for it than it will for turning to the bottles in his kitchen or the exes in his phone.

there’s a pattern to it now. sit down, straighten his back (the weight of the world on his shoulders is no excuse for poor playing posture), rest his phone on the bench next to him with an application recording every note he plays, and lay a blank notebook of music staves next to it in case he decides to be formal about anything workable that comes out of his idling.

nothing noteworthy comes to him at first, but the more he plays, the more fresh ideas begin swirling in a twister in his mind against his initial intentions of merely distracting himself. he messes around with chords, keys, arpeggios. he’s been forcing it a lot lately, and it hasn’t turned out in his favor. letting it slowly seep its way out of his pores might be the better course of action now instead.

his mind is frantic but the music is slow and inspiration piles up inside of him until he decides to sit and think through a chord progression, then a top line melody, then he fleshes it out. the first step in the process is never perfect, but he isn’t stumped with where to go with it yet, and that’s a good sign. more and more, he’s felt defeated with his songwriting after idea after idea gets rejected by the only people whose opinions really matter if he ever wants his songs to make it out in the world. he could think a song is the best piece he’s ever crafted, but if it doesn’t appease the bc entertainment gods, it will never see the light of day.

he tries not to think about that while he works on this song. that’s the roadblock he’s run into too many times before trying to pluck out something he can be proud of on the strings of a guitar or on the black and white keys of a piano.

the end product is something jazzy but moody, laden with his unspoken emotions but in a way that lends itself to simplicity, but he ponders for days the right way to put words to it.

he can feel what he wants the lyrics to say. it’s when he attempts to put them into words with a rhyme scheme and an appropriate meter that he struggles. ash has become a master at packaging his emotions into a pretty song with structure and a story, but this time, it’s evading him. the feeling is emptiness, but it’s also missing something he doesn’t really want back. it’s wanting something he can’t have now and wanting to tear himself apart for wanting it. it’s looking down the dark path to his future and seeing only less and less light as it stretches out in front of him. it’s fear of the inevitable pitch black darkness at the very end of the path and how quickly it’s approaching.

iii.

it’s after his second therapy session with his new therapist that something occurs to ash that stays with him beyond the time he’d paid for.

it’s not something he brings up during the session itself, or says out loud to anyone. ash doesn’t talk about his romantic life in detail with any therapist he’s ever had, even though he’s well-aware refusing to bring it up is ignoring a festering wound that needs attention if it’s ever going to heal. he’s heard too many horror stories about professionals that were supposed to know better discovering the money for the gossip being better than adherence to the oath of confidentiality they’d made for him to find comfort in disclosing the intricacies of his private life.

there’s a part of him he’s still holding back, but he only finds comfort in not opening up completely even to the person he’s paying to allow him to do just that without too much outward judgment.

opening himself fully or not, the lyrics to the song come easier to him after that. putting what he’s feeling into words is no easy task, but he’s made progress on it already. possibilities don’t come flooding out like a broken dam, but they do trickle down through his brain steadily enough for him not to lose hope. the slow drops only come when he pries them out, but they come nonetheless.

iv.

the mood of the song evolves in a way ash hadn’t anticipated at first. it becomes sadder in tone, more wistful. that had been a given from the moment the lyrics began to flesh out, but playing around in cubase ends with him deciding the song works its best as a simple piano composition, stripped bare like his emotions.

the piano remains prominent even as he adds more percussion and the main instrumental piano track gets jazzed up more than the initial draft recording had been. in a world where his music reflects solely his gut instinct, the song would be even more bare bones than it becomes. he imagines he would have taken a direction similar to “the unknown guest” on his last album, purposefully under-produced and made to sound like something that isn’t radio friendly, but it’s still simple enough to sound stripped-down to an untrained ear. the more he works on the song, the more he understands he does want it to be played on the radio. then, maybe, he’ll be able to tell himself the right person had heard it and convince himself of the closure he needs.

there’s a feeling in his chest as he listens to the final draft version, with layers of his vocals put down and a thoroughness that only comes with a song that has found its final form, that feels a little like he’s at the top of a mountain. he can’t put a name to it other than thinness of air. it’s not disappointment or regret, and as much as he decides he does really like how it turned out, it isn’t pride either.

the song is different than he would have thought it would be when he began it — after all, at some point visions of his ex-boyfriend had begun to mix with visions of the current flame he held — but different in a way that he hopes does service to the song instead of taking away from it.

at first, it’d been about his past relationship, a love that had been suffocated by his own choice.

now?

in a way, the song is about that relationship, but, in ways, it’s about the one that had come before that. and the one before that. and then, at the end, it becomes about the next one. the one he’s not supposed to have, but the one he’s confessed to yearning for in secret in the lyrics.

i want to fall in love.

unlike so many other songs he’s written, he’s not really begging for love to return to him or cursing himself for wanting such a thing. it’s about something else.

then it hits him: it’s not any of his relationships, long passed or current or future, that he’s holding on to. it’s a lament pried out of him by the lover he’s taken up in the time since, one entirely separate, but also entirely connected that creeps in the corner of every room he enters: loneliness.

[dearhummingbird]

@spieltreib​ HI i’m so sorry, i spent a super long time trying to answer your question then saved it to drafts but now it’s disappeared! i dont know where it’s gone, i took forever on that one :( im just going to post the draft i had on my phone here

im pretty sure you and i had a convo about sharon shinn awhile ago!! 🙂 i think we spoke about twelve houses too. i’ve only read the first two books of the archangel series, but have reread them more than i have any other books. i honestly dont remember specifics but i remember the feelings, i love them so much, they are near and dear to me

despite their ecclesiastic premise i didnt find the books forcedly allegorical or theme-ridden, probably because i dont have much of a religious background. the characters felt wholly individual to me, stripped of symbolism or representation. i dont like being presented with abstract contentions of the human condition.. having now been properly introduced to literary theory through school i realise that those kinds of narratives have always put me off and at arms length. 

i like to think about this specific kind of intimacy ive described as grit. with ease must come edge. i find it in all the books that i love: gritty like the only way i can feel them is if i grind them between my teeth. i dont know if i make any sense but this is how i see it in my head.

i also remember these books being filled with ache(an angel with an unsanctioned soulmate!). a big part of my life has been characterised by restlessness, this big itch.. it was headier as a teen. im still not sure what it was that i was looking for, but i always found myself wanting. again i return to this Sula quote which i should really format and post on my blog at this point becauss it encapsulates so much of me: 

“In a way, her strangeness, her naivete, her craving for the other half of her equation was the consequence of an idle imagination. Had she paints, or clay, or knew the discipline of the dance, or strings; had she anything to engage her tremendous curiosity and her gift for metaphor, she might have exchanged the restlessness and preoccupation with whim for an activity that provided her with all she yearned for. And like any artist with no art form, she became dangerous."

this must sound like a whole load of nonsense, i promise im not tryna wax poetic! a lot of my favourite things in life are characterised by the memory of the emotions, i rarely remember details :(

did you like the series? have you read her other books? i really really wanna finish this one then get to mystic and rider!