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yikesharringrove · 4 years ago

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oh god okay feel free to ignore this if you want, idk? but um ive been really struggling with eating lately (like i just kinda panicked about the thought of eating?) and you're really good at writing all this kind of stuff so maybe billy struggling with eating after starcourt (for medical and mental reasons) and steve helping but still bring gentle and encouraging (totally okay if this is a sensitive for you or if you don't want to write it 💕)

This is pretty heavy.

Under the cut for medical stuff, disordered eating, talks of throw up (nothing graphic), me projecting.

The first bit under the cut is my medical story, so skip that if you would like.

Read on Ao3

So, oof. A little background. I spent three years misdiagnosed when I was young. I was so sick and in so much pain (one of my organs had literally died) that I couldn’t eat. If I did, I was in such severe pain I would throw up. I was 5 feet tall and weighed 62 pounds. If I had lost 2 pounds, I would’ve had an intestinal feeding tube. The doctors thought I just had an eating disorder from doing ballet. They would look at my chart, see another chronic illness I have, and blame my pain on that. They found what was wrong BY ACCIDENT and fixed it within a few hours in one (1) surgery.

So this is based largely on that.

He pushed the mashed potatoes around the plate.

“I thought hospital food was supposed to be like, bad. This is pretty alright.” Steve had wolfed down the plate he had gotten himself, not paying much attention to how the plate he had brought Billy was still full.

“Yeah. It’s okay.” He had taken one bite.

He felt fucking sick.

The thought of food, of something in his sore stomach, made him want to hurl.

“You’re not eating?” Steve’s eyebrows were scrunched up, concerned.

“Don’t feel too good.”

“Would something sound better? I could get you whatever you wanted.”

“Um, just like a ginger ale or something. Then I’ll try eating again.” That was his go-to. Ginger ale or Sprite, the carbonation helped his stomach enough that he could force some food down for a while.

Steve got him a few cans from the vending machine.

He ended up taking three bites of potato.

Steve made dinner when he finally got to come home.

They had decided he would move in with Steve, “live” in the bedroom across the hall, but they both knew he would be spending the most time in Steve’s room.

He had just made buttered noddles, nothing that would be hard on Billy’s weak stomach, but he had made the noodles from scratch.

And Billy was just staring at them.

“You feeling okay?”

“Just, uh, you know. Stomach’s kinda off.” Steve got him a can of ginger ale from the fridge, slid it to him with a bright smile.

The gesture was sweet, but Billy just didn’t want to risk it.

Every night he spent heaving into the toilet, it made his muscles seize and hurt. It made his throat burn for hours, made him feel like he was wasting away to nothing.

He always used the same hole on his belts.

He knew it was the right one from the way the leather was stretched a bit, the buckle leaving indents on it.

But that was too big now.

Did nothing to hold up his pants.

His pants that used to fit.

He tightened his belt.

Two notches. He was two notches thinner.

Billy could hear the blender when he woke up.

He was curious as to what Steve was doing, what the fuck he was blending up.

He came downstairs, found Steve with grocery bags all around the kitchen.

“Hey! I’ve been doing some research.” He poured the thick smoothie into a blender. “I think this might be easier for you to eat and keep down. There’s protein powder and some ginger, that should help keep your stomach calm, and spinach and some fruit and stuff.” Steve was fidgeting with his hands.

“Thank you.” Billy sat down with it.

Steve let him take his time, let him drink it in tiny sips.

He was about halfway through when he threw it all up.

Billy hadn’t eaten in two days.

But he also hadn’t thrown up in just as long.

Steve poked a plate of plain toast towards him.

Billy stared at it.

Steve sighed.

“Will you just, take one bite? For me?”

He took the smallest bite he possibly could.

Steve let him wait ten minutes before he pushed the toast back towards him.

They continued that until Billy finished the toast, waiting a while between each bite in order to make sure it wasn’t on it’s way back up.

He kept it down almost the whole night, until the pain in his stomach flared again and he was heaving into the large mixing bowl Steve kept next to the bed.

Billy was laying on the bed, curled into himself, clutching his stomach.

Steve had been behind him almost all day, rubbing his back, talking in a low soothing voice.

He left when there was a pounding on the door. He left the door open, Billy could hear Max’s voice.

“Jesus, Max. You’re a mess.”

“It’s, it’s raining. And I fell.”

“Why were you skateboarding in the rain?”

“I um, I remembered, whenever Billy felt sick, he liked eating lime popcicles, and I went to Melvald’s, and I got some.”

She sounded hysterical.

“Alright, thank you, Max. Thank you. Let’s get you cleaned up.” He heard them coming up the stairs, going into the bathroom on the landing he kept the first aid kit in.

They were in there for a while before Steve came in, talking in that soft voice he always uses.

“Billy, Max is here.”

It felt like a feat for him to roll over.

Her knees were bandaged up, and her face was splotchy.

“Hey, Shitbird.”

“You look like shit.” He huffed a laugh.”

“Feel like it, too.” Her lip trembled. He didn’t want that. “Hey, thanks for the popcicles. Can I get one? Lime, right?”

“Yeah. Lime.” Steve helped him sit up, gave him one of the popcicles.

It tasted good, and the cold was nice on his throat.

And he even kept the whole thing down.

Steve was standing next to Billy as they waited for the doctor.

He had lost nearly thirty pounds since he’d been home. His muscle was nearly entirely gone.

“Steve, just, play it cool.”

“I will not.” He had his pissed off mom face on, and Billy knew he had no qualms about yelling at a doctor.

“Steve, this is just, my life now.”

“No. I refuse to accept that.”

“You yell at Owens every time we’ve come in for the past four months, Steve.”

“And I’m gonna keep yelling until shit gets fixed.”

There was a rap on the door before Dr. Owens let himself in.

“You need to help him.” Billy huffed as Steve started in immediately.

“Um, good morning to you both.” Dr. Owens looked between the two of them.

“Billy can’t eat without throwing up. Look at him. He’s fucking wasting away.”

“Steve-”

“No. I can’t take it anymore. There is something fucking wrong. It is your job to fix it.”

Owens’ eyes were wide, Steve was on a roll.

“Every day, every day he can’t eat anything. He won’t because he’s in pain, and he’d rather not eat than throw everything up. And you need to help him.”

Owens was quiet.

“Let’s run some tests.”

Billy was in imaging within a few minutes. He had an x-ray done of his abdomen, and Owens ordered several blood tests.

They were in another room, Billy was having an ultrasound done of his entire stomach.

The tech was looking at his intestines, finding everything normal.

“Look, you’re already doing all this, can’t you just kinda, poke around?”

“I’m not sure-”

“Just kinda,” Steve made a vague wiggling gesture around Billy’s stomach.

She gave him a look.

But she sighed, moving the wand up his body.

“Huh?”

“Wait, what’s huh?”

“Um, excuse me.” She left in a hurry.

“Wait, you think they found something?” Billy’s eyes were side.

“If they did, and I was right, you’re never gonna hear the end of it.” Billy rolled his eyes.

The tech returned with an older woman, pointing at the screen and discussing in low voices.

And then the doctor was leaving again, and the tech was wiping his stomach.

“So, we’re going to prep an operation room. We’re going to have you in there as soon as we can.”

“Wait, what?”

“His gallbladder is infected.” Steve was fucking grinning when he turned back to Billy.

“So, I was right?”

“Steve, read the room. Surgery.”

“Oh, fuck.”

Steve was biting his nails.

The chairs in the waiting room were stiff and uncomfortable.

They were given the run down. Billy’s gallbladder had become infected. Probably due to the traumatic situation of his injuries and the many surgeries it took to put him back together.

It was almost completely dead inside his body, causing severe pain and all the vomiting. The doctor had explained that his rapid weight loss had probably only hurt it more.

They said it would take about two hours to remove.

Steve had been staring at the large clock as the two hours clicked by.

It was creeping up on two and a half, and he was getting fucking antsy.

He scrambled to his feet when a nurse called him back.

“You family?”

“Yeah, I’m his brother.” It was easier to lie. He needed to see him.

“He should be waking up very soon. It’s easier if there’s family. His surgery went well, the surgeons were able to remove his gallbladder with no other complications. He may be in pain and delirious when he wakes up, put that will pass, and we can give him more medicine if he needs.” They had stopped in front of a nondescript door.

Steve let himself in, taking the seat closest to Billy’s bed, taking his hand. His eyes were already blinking slowly. He smiled softly when he saw Steve.

“Pretty,” his voice was soft.

“Hey, Baby. I’m right here for you.”

“Thanks for, thanks for fightin’.” Steve smiled back at him, running a hand through his hair.

“Of course, Bill. I’ll always fight for you.”

“Love you.”

“I love you, too.” Billy smiled again. “You feelin’ okay? Need more meds?”

“Nah. Feelin’ good. Feelin’ high.”

“Yeah, they gave you the good drugs.”

“Good drugs.” He laid back in the pillow, his eyelids looking heavy.

“Go to sleep if you’re tired, Bill.”

“Don’t wanna. Wanna see you.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up again.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Steve kissed his hand.

#i was literally so skinny the doctor found out i had slight scoliosis just by me like standing there #yikes writes #tw disordered eating #tw eating #tw eating disorder #tw medical anorexia #tw throw up #tw vomit #steve harrington #billy hargrove #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #harringrove #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #harringrove drabble

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mr007pennyworth · 3 years ago

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Feeding Barry Headcanon

“Is this a bad time to bring up my blood sugars?”

If there was one thing Bruce had to make sure he calculated for when he built the Justice League was making sure his speedster didn't go hungry.

Money, was never the issue, the real issue came about making sure Barry had someone TO MAKE SURE he was eating enough to cope.

On an average day, just from watching Barry consume a full 18 inch pizza by himself and a guess from looking at the details of some of the foods he’d listed online, that he and Alfred would have there hands full.

Well, more Alfred.

Cue, Alfred.

When Bruce explained Barry’s apatite to Alfred at first, he didn't quite see the issue, Bruce downed 3,500 calories a day most of it just proteins so, another mouth to feed wasn’t all that hard, Dick had been on the same by the time he’d hit 16.

But when Bruce ran the simulation of Barry’s metabolism on the computer, they both began to panic.

How was a boy his age managing to feed himself the MINIMUM of DOUBLE Bruce’s calories a day on his budget?!

Alfred came to the conclusion that unless Barry ate roughly 7,000 calories a day at minimum, he’d start losing weight.

Bruce was in the trash in ten minutes, digging up the MacDonald's takeaway containers he’d bought Barry just that afternoon.

He’d given the kid his card and said go. Now he sat here with the boxes of 3 Bigs Mac’s, 6 double cheeseburgers, 3 packets of large fries, 20 chicken nuggets, a black coffee, a large irn bru and 5 apple pies. That was roughly 9,087 calories from what they could add up from the nutritional info.

That was LUNCH. That was...Barry’s minimum daily needs and only $50 out Bruce’s pocket.

$50, was pretty much Barry’s budget for THREE days of meals not just one.

Bruce went to argue with Barry that he needed to move in, Alfred managed to stop him.

Barry was all grown up and had been independent for too long to allow Bruce to walk into his life and smother him.

But something had to be done.

It took awhile but Barry did move in with some carefully plying by Alfred and the Butler managed to start tracking his food intake.

By making sure Barry got 6 meals a day for his 7,000 calories out of Bruce’s pocket, letting Barry add the rest became routine.

Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Afternoon Tea, Diner and Supper, Alfred was finally back to using his cook books that had been gathering dust.

Each meal had to have 1,160 calories and 30g or more of proteins to be any use to Barry’s development. Now, Alfred could have just given the boy a lump of cash and let him go bonkers on fast food, but the fat’s and sugars were the bigger hurdles, as much as it met his calories and his proteins in meat from burgers...it didn’t meet everything else.

Barry’s malnutrition he found didn’t just come from the lack of food, it was the lack of the RIGHT foods. Even though Alfred balanced all six of Barry’s meals a day to cater for vitamins and such it wouldn’t be enough in places, that was where medication would have to come in, now he finds one afternoon after offering the boy some ibuprofen, that they didn’t work, his metabolism swallowed the effects in just a few minutes. Even tripling the dose, it was out of his system in just 12 minutes. That ment that to account for the speed at which his body used it’s building blocks everything had to be at least TWENTY times the rate of a normal human every day just for Barry to get a close enough dose of his nutrition.

To put into perspective, an average male needs 500ug of Vitamin D a day, thats...30 minutes of sun. Barry, on the other hand needed over 10,000 a day just to function. Something that was easily helped with him being able to travel, a couples of hours in Australia and he’d get a solid top up, but running back ment using his powers, ment burning his body’s reserves, it was one hell of a game. Tablets, were Alfred’s go to. Ten dissolvable multi vitamin tablets in a 2 liter bottle of OJ a day and Barry was good to go, with his meals included, Alfred was glad to see Barry starting to look better after the first few months.

Until, he wasn’t.

Going to work without breakfast, had Alfred concerned, but he had his packed brunch and lunch, he had his extra cash for snacks. To find that the lunch had only been half eaten when he came home was massive question mark.

Dinner Time...he said he wasn’t hungry and Alfred had him dragged towards the cave in just a moment.

Just the ONE day of not eating his minimum calories and all the work that they had progressed on was fading. Barry still as much as he’d gotten off his chest about the anniversary of his mothers death, refused to eat.

IV’s it came too then.

Dragging the boy back upstairs, he handed him off to Bruce who situated him in his room while Alfred set about getting Barry on some IV drips.

Barry muttered on about the fuss but didn't fight Bruce keeping him in the bed as Alfred put IV catheters in both arms. 6 bags of 20% dextrose fluids wouldn’t do the job his meals should have but it would prevent him from going hypoglycemic for the rest of the day. In the mean time, Bruce set about finding his weak spot, his food weak spot. Now Barry liked a lot of food, he liked many different foods and Bruce was pretty willing to pay anything for him to eat something.

He returned a few hours later with takeaway Chinese food , Indian Food , Italian food as well as three large pizzas, Mexican food meals, nearly every MacDonald's burger, Fried Chicken bucket meals, Kebabs, 48 Krispy Kreme Dounuts, nine different 12 inch sub sandwiches, Frozen meals from several different supermarkets and even a huge three tier chocolate cake. Bruce had been about to run back out of the door when he recalled a Brazilian takeaway just outside of town as well as another chicken shop when Barry came out of his room pulling the IV stand with him woken up at all the kerfuffle Alfred was making.

“Master Bruce it’s midnight I doubt the boy is going to eat”

Barry, pulling out the IV’s then sat down at the table quietly as they argued, looking over everything Bruce had bought him slightly shy of the money he could imagine he’d spent. A smile broke out on his face at the sight of the brown bag.

“He’s just started gaining weight, Alf if he doesn't-” “I’m fully aware, Bruce look, one day won't kill him, the IV’s will hold on off the worst of the hypo-”

*crunch*

They turned to see the boy happily munching prawn crackers.

Alfred pretty much dropped to the sofa in relief. Bruce just started laughing before pulling out a chair to sit opposite the speedster who was now eyeing up the cake as he packed prawn crackers into one of kebabs.

Nobody said a word until Barry had consumed at least five of the items on the table and paused for a can of lemonade.

“Barry?”

The pup looks up to Alfred on the sofa who was sat with a cup of tea, paper work spread out across his lap as Bruce sat beside him with a his laptop. It was just past one one in the morning.

“Promise me something?”

Barry paused in reaching for the rice pot next to the Korma to indicate he was listening. “When this happens again, you’ll tell me when you’ll eat again before giving us a heart attack won’t you?”

The younger nodded and fought the laugh he almost made at Bruce getting whacked with the folder in Alfred’s hand at his old man response.

Suddenly, Curry wasn't what he wanted. He’d had a kebab, a pizza, three burgers, a subs sandwich and a whole bucket of chicken...he needed something sweet, picking up one of the boxes of dounuts he pads over to the sofa dropping himself between Alfred and Bruce who shared an intrigued look, Barry picks a dounut before pushing the box into Alfred’s lap with a cheeky smirk.

Alfred sighs, the boys puppy brown eyes were too hard to resist and picks one out putting it in his mouth before passing the box back over to Bruce, the vigilante grimaced and went to give them back but caught Barry’s look of confusion.

“Okay, okay, just one, I guess it won’t ruin my diet”

Grabbing the remote, Alfred passes it to Barry as he puts away the paperwork, Bruce does the same tucking away the laptop and watches as Barry flicks for a movie.

“Coffee, Dounuts and bad horror movies at one in the morning...I guess it beats being out in the rain eh” Bruce laughs licking chocolate off his fingers as Barry snuggles into Alfred’s side.

“It’s perfect” Barry smiles around a mouthful of dounut, pulling a face as Alfred goes to wipe the caramel dripping off his chin.

Feeding Barry was always going to be a challenge, but for our vigilante and Butler Dad, it was worth it just to see him happy.

#mr007pennyworth #Alfred and Barry Headcanon #Feeding Barry Headcanon

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themeed · 4 years ago

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past three days ive eaten Almost Normally with yesterday being the worst at ~1930 kcal. Because I had chocolate covered fruit in the house in a bag. Fucking.

I Am Upset. Now I'm back up to 176.0 >:[ and I'm Not Happy With This.

It's okay the fruit is gone and I went grocery shopping and actually got protein I'll eat aka eggs and canned chicken for salad. Even got a vegetable and found some more lowcal bread I can eat in larger quantities than the first brand!

Also restarted some daily exercises.

Temperature has gone up recently, hoping to start going out and skating when my legs are small enough and flexible enough and strong enough to not die over small rocks.

Or just when I can get a board or regular skates instead of blades. They're cool but the other two options are more flexible and beginner friendly. Probably skates and a board but I'll start with skates.

So Yeah. And apparently I have more emotional stuff to work through this month. This year is exhausting. Can't wait to hit 155 and all my clothes are suddenly swimming on me because I haven't been that small since like. before or first year high school. That Will Be Lovely.

Also might start a th1nsp00 side blog. Because I only have so much phone space. We'll see.

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less--soft · 5 years ago

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New year, New goals, and no excuses 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

hi lovelies, for anyone who has followed me for a while, you know ive been gone from here for a while. i have acceptedand embeaced things about my body that no amount of diet and excercise will ever change, but here i am having gained over the holidays and i wanted to try to ease back into calorie counting and really try to build some better habits this year.

even though my goal weight isn't very low, i want to lose enough weight to be a normal, fully functioning size lady who doesn't have to worry about health risks associated with obesity.

THAT BEING SAID, the only thing that has EVER helped me eat consistently healthy and have good portion control has been the strict mindset and discipline ive learned from the ana community. no matter what i do or try, the only thing that has given me any amount of control over my binge eating disorder has been the inspiration, discipline, and focus that being in the ana community gives me. i am here for myself and to live my healthiest life. I DO NOT PROMOTE THIS LIFESTYLE CHOICE but its the ONLY thing that helps me not overeat and avoid unhealthy foods.

my body is going through some changes and I've been having a lot of weird reactions to foods I've always eaten and really need to do some elimination dieting to figure out what is causing me to be nauseous, bloated, gassy, and generally not feeling well lately.

this might just be my rough draft of what im changing until i figure out what i need to cut out of my diet completely, but i want to establish some new, good habits to stick to going forward.

Always drink water when you first wake up

Avoid dairy

NO fried foods, popcorn instead of chips always

No calories in drinks except coffee and tea

Avoid baked goods and candy (i am a cake decorator in a bakery, so this one is almost impossible for me to avoid 100%)

No white bread, whole grain only

never take vitamins on an empty stomach

High protein breakfast EVERYDAY

Green smoothie with fiber three times a week

Vegetables or plant based food at every meal

Intermittent fast as often as possible, skip dinner or no eating after 6pm

Drink 8-12oz of water for every three bites of food

Plan every meal as best as i can

NON FOOD GOALS AND HABITS

Track calories

Track sleep

Begin to build a consistent bedtime routine with no phone, meditation, and no nighttime eating, take medication

Build a better morning routine, eat good breakfast and meditate

Walk at least 45 mins a day: get off the bus a stop early and/or walk to the next stop

Floss every day

Wash face every single night

Drink water before bed

These goals will change as i get back into a more rigid routine and have my mind focused on not overeating and hopefully figure out why my stomach has been so messed up lately.

Wish me luck everyone and thank you for being an awesome community ❤🌠

#restricting #intermittent fast #diet #dont eat #eat less #ana #ana things #dont binge #binge eating disorder #not pro #personal

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angrygoatgirl · 6 years ago

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ICU Selfie

For those who don't know, I was in the ICU for a couple days earlier this week - diabetes related. ICU selfie! I'm doing better now though not completely out of the woods. Obviously it was awful, but it's also interesting. Some of you may know I have a tendency to get every rare, weird condition or side-effect that one can experience, but this one takes the cake: they have to contact the FDA and do a case study. Yay, I'm special! 🙃 Anyway, long story short, I'm going to be fine, if you're interested in the weird deets (my diabetic friends especially may want to read on), here they are:

My endocrinologist is always on top of the latest in diabetes treatments and tech. He even tipped me off to trying to get in the Faustman BCG vaccine trials. He is the absolute best endo I've ever had. My sugars are consistently just a little too high even with pump and CGM therapy, running between 180-250, with A1Cs between 7-8 mostly. There is a new trend of using type 2 drugs to help control difficult to control (sometimes called "brittle") type 1, and my endo gave me the type 2 med Invokana to try. The resident he's training is also type 1 and is on Invokana, and told me how much she loved it. On Friday 1/11 I took my first dose. My sugars instantly dropped to normal levels. The Invokana seemed great; it was keeping my sugars lower, reduced my insulin requirements by about 25-30%, and felt less aggressive than insulin.

Saturday things were still perfect with sugars between 80-135 all day, though I felt slightly fatigued. Fatigue is a known side-effect, though, so I dismissed it.

Sunday I felt a little weaker and more tired, and could smell a small amount of ketones in the back of my throat (ketones smell like a mixture of ammonia and fruit). My sugars were still perfect, hovering in the 120s most of the day. I was feeling somewhat queasy, so only managed to drink a V8 veggie juice. In the early evening I started experiencing more DKA symptoms, still with perfect blood sugars (and no other illness symptoms). In the afternoon I weighed myself and had lost about 4 pounds since the previous day -- yikes. I did a keto stick test and was spilling the max amount of ketones, as well as a moderate amount of glucose. My reasoning was that I hadn't eaten enough and so I was producing ketones. I ate some chili and crackers, felt a little better, asked my roommate (who was AMAZING through all this) to check on my later, and went to sleep.

At 11 my roommate checked on me and found me to be mostly coherent but sluggish and slurring my words. She called her father (who is a doctor, not just a random dude 😉), who reasoned the same as me: I hadn't eaten enough, and so was going into ketosis despite normal sugars. He recommended I eat protein and sugar, and if I didn't feel better go to the ER. After some juice and peanut butter I felt better and my speech was no longer slurred. I went to bed.

At 5am Monday morning I woke up and threw up pretty much everything I'd eaten the previous day. At this point the DKA was undeniable: short, labored breath, intense smell of ketones, and vomiting. My blood sugar was 95. NINETY FIVE! I asked my roommate to take me to the emergency room and was admitted to the ICU a few hours later. Poor, sweet Madison David will now forever have the image of me vomiting neon orange all over the Emergency Room floor imprinted upon her brain.

Three days, two nights, five IV lines, and a shit ton of blood work (though thank god no catheter) later, I was out of DKA. ALL OF THE DOCTORS came to see me -- listening to groups of doctors discuss your condition amongst themselves while you're lying three feet away is always an experience -- my unusual case inspired such phrases as "This is unheard of", "We need to contact the drug company immediately", "We have to do a case study on this", "We'll have to get in touch with the FDA", etc.

I saw my endo yesterday (and maybe again today), who was extremely (though unnecessarily) apologetic -- but like everyone said, it was unheard of, so there's no way he could have known. He's now in touch with the hospital, took more blood, and we'll go from there. I'm still spilling ketones and glucose, and have lost almost 10 pounds this week -- not water weight, either. So...Invokana was an interesting bust, to say the least.

#invokana #invokana side effects #type 1 diabetes #type 1 #type 1 problems #t1d #diabetes #this is what diabetes looks like

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acidwaste · 6 years ago

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hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job: oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

#acid.txt #this took a while but :wahoo:

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vixxpirational · 7 years ago

Photo

Inspiration: HAPPY WONWOO DAY! Thank you @squishywonu for requesting. Group: AU!Seventeen | Wonwoo (featuring Joshua and Woozi) Warning: Death Words: 787 Note: I’m so sorry this took so long. Once I got out of my head today, I couldn’t stop thinking and rewriting. A lot of these are inspiring me to write more. I think I might with this one too. Definitely will.

4. Hold My Hand 5. Tongue-tied 41. Assassin

Clearance level: 10/10 Operation: Hold My Hand Assignment: Assassination Target: Jeon Wonwoo Reason: Novel Timeline: 1 week Attached: Coordinates, wire transfer, transportation arrangements, disguise receipts. Notes: Be discrete, be quick, be thorough, leave no witnesses, amnesty from all crimes committed for this assignment.

Releasing a new book is as exhausting as it is thrilling. The tour, the readings, the monotony balanced with the swell of pride from such an accomplishment and the adoring fans who appreciate his words as much as he does. But it is still tiring going to another cookie-cutter hotel room drained of any energy to see more of the city he’s in other than the local bookstores.

“...schedule for tomorrow... 9 am reading...both Diamond Life and Hold My Hand...” Wonwoo rubs his eyes as he half-listens to his agent drone on as they take a car back to the hotel. People always insist on hearing excerpts from his first novel so often that he practically has Hold My Hand memorized. It’s his worst published work to date, in his opinion at least, and yet it remains the most popular.

“... flight to Osaka departs at 11:25 pm… cut close… from the studio.” All Joshua can talk about is the damn schedule and planning the next book. It’s never about the event they just left or a bit of time off to rest before sitting behind a computer for hours with a pot of burnt coffee and protein bars.

“... lunch at the studio before the interview... Yoon Jeonghan will be talking about... representation in Diamond Life...”

“The politician?”

“Yes, him, he’ll be talking about how you--”

“I heard you. Are we at the hotel yet? I would like silence and some sleep,” Wonwoo snaps, his forehead pressed against the window, vision blurring at passing city.

“You need to go over your talking points for tomor--”

“Can it wait?”

“And when do you suppose we should talk about it?”

“Tomorrow?”

“When there is no time to prep—” The car stops but everyone else lurches forward. Wonwoo’s hands fly up to cover his face as he feels the scrape of glass across his cheek. His ears ring with the screech of tires and the smell of burnt rubber. The sickening crunch of bones breaking and Wonwoo looks over at Joshua before he passes out.

“Wonwoo-ssi. Jeon Wonwoo-ssi. His vitals are good. Brain scans positive with a concussion. Minor contusions.”

Wonwoo couldn’t move anything but his eyes. He blinks them open, blinded by lights and the sterile stench of a hospital. He grunts to gain the attention of the doctor at the foot of his bed.

“You’re awake. Call his nurse to run vitals.” The woman in the white coat pulls a flashlight from her pocket and shines it in Wonwoo’s eyes, moving quickly around him.

“What happened.”

“You were in an accident.” A nurse appears, short but fierce, like he wouldn’t take any attitude from a patient, a doctor, anyone. His blonde hair is far too perfect to be an ICU nurse.

But the words are all that matters.

“J-Joshua? Is he-- What happened? How-- he okay?”

“He’s stable. The driver is as well. There is no need to worry, Wonwoo-ssi.”

“What day is-- the book-- interview-- tour.”

“He’s disoriented, Jihoon. Let him bring himself here naturally. Remaining tongue-tied like this will continue elevate his heart rate and blood pressure. His brain is still healing from his concussion.” The nurse shoots a nasty look at the doctor but nods. He fastens a blood pressure cuff around Wonwoo’s arm.

“What is today, J-Jihoon-ssi?”

“It’s Sunday. You were out for two days.”

Two days. He missed the interview. He missed three readings. Did the press know? Is his career ruined because no one knows where he is, that he just appears to have bailed on his obligations?

“Don’t worry, Wonwoo-ssi. There has been coverage of the accident.”

The doctor leaves the room as Jihoon finishes taking Wonwoo’s blood pressure. “You’re a little high, 125 over 90. Probably because you’re in shock. I’ll come back in an hour after you’ve eaten and relaxed to check again.”

Wonwoo watches the small man, taking him in. He’s dressed in scrubs, neat and clean with a stethoscope around his neck. His shoes seem as if he came from a party. The nurse moves over to the monitor machines.

“Joshua?”

“He’s stable. He’ll be okay.”

“The driver?”

“The same, Wonwoo-ssi.”

“Will I be okay?”

Jihoon looks at him with a too-bright smile. “Of course.” He reaches up to turn the dial on the medicine drip up. He closes the curtains around the bed, ensuring more privacy. The nurse pulls a syringe from his scrubs pocket, needle covered, tube empty. The medicine takes quick effect and Wonwoo’s limbs fill with concrete.

“W-Whatare youdo ing?” he slurs as Jihoon opens the needle and fastens it to Wonwoo’s IV and pushes air into the injection point.

“With you alive, Hold My Hand is fiction. With you dead, it’s a conspiracy that might work.” Jihoon works quickly to put the syringe in the hazardous waste bin, hiding all evidence of what is about to happen.

“You can hide in your words but you cannot hide behind them anymore. Quick. Discrete. No witnesses. Sleep well, Wonwoo-ssi.”

#kwriterskollection #wonwoo #jeon wonwoo #seventeen #woozi #lee jihoon #Joshua #Jeonghan #happy wonwoo day #Joshua Hong #Hong Jisoo #Yoon Jeonghan #AU #assassin #trigger warning: death #trigger warning: murder

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wheaterz · 8 years ago

Text

Testing Maintenance: Chapter 18

Dr. Aadland had never been much of a coffee drinker until he'd taken this job. Now he could practically have it hooked up to an IV in his arm and he wouldn't have known the difference. Actually, that may have been one of the many upcoming tests. He wasn't sure. So many design ideas were passed under him during the course of one day that it was hard to keep track anymore. That was the thing with being the lead engineer, everyone wanted your opinion on one thing or another. Nothing he could take credit for, either. Even in death, Cave Johnson's name had been plastered all over the company and would take any accomplishments with him down the next few generations. Didn't matter if he was around for it anymore or not.

No fame in the name of science. We are here to change the world for the the better and...yada yada yada...That song and dance. Their current CEO was Cave's former assistant, but he was one of the few people who knew very well that she was in line of the lab's experimental chopping block. Cave's instructions. He was barking orders from beyond the grave and people were still following them. Aadland was over it.

Dr. Aadland reached for his mug of coffee, only to find that it, as well as three others on his desk, had been emptied. It seemed the pot he'd brought with him into his work space was no longer full either. Had he even eaten yet today? The shaking of his hands and the knot in his stomach he was only now aware of told him that he had not.

“Whatever. Its an easy fix. I'll just go by the cafeteria.” He needed to not get too worked up anymore. If he got too overheated and wasn't getting the right nutrients he could fry his brain. A lot of the newer scientists didn't have that issue, considering they were usually young interns that were just barely out of college. The more he thought about it the more Dr. Aadland began to realize he had gotten pretty grumpy about his seniority. He was going to end up talking like his--

Dr. Aadland's entire body twitched with one of his eyes. There had been a thought, but it had passed. Or it had been cut short. A fraction of a memory he did not fully possess, possibly?

His father. That's who he was thinking of. He was going to start sounding like his father. Now he was sure he needed to grab a bight to eat. Maybe actually drink some water.

Either way, the afternoon was off to a bad start and he was already in a foul temper. It was just one he'd have to keep to a low simmer until he found something to eat. The engineer went to a large monitor in the room, using the keyboard to type into the computer and pull up a message for any other scientists that came in to see him for help while he was out. They appeared in bold, glowing yellow letters against a burnt orange screen and would be hard for anyone to miss.

'GONE TO THE CAFETERIA. STAND BY.'

Dr. Aadland stood up from his swivel chair and grabbed a white lab coat from a hook beside his computer, slipping it on over his dark red oxford and fixing the collar straight so he looked at least somewhat presentable. The man moved for the door to leave his lab, but paused at the door. His hand gripped the cold, polished metal of the door handle, but did not turn it. His thoughts wandered to his project, and he turned around. His lab was much more spacious than most others in the facility with a round width and high ceiling. From the center of it all hung wires and cords of all lengths and thickness that attached themselves to a pile of robotic parts on the floor. It lay spread in an uncoordinated line of machine parts like a dead snake carcass, and the sight of it made him tense up.

This was it. His magnum opus. An artificial intelligence with a personality map that was going to be stemmed and harvested from a living human brain before being broken into fragments and converted into a disc. A single, plain disc that could be mistaken for something you could keep music on. Those hadn't been released to the general public yet, and would not for a couple more decades, but the technology was there and he was going to utilize it to keep the intelligence of someone who was currently alive and insert it into a computer. Or, that was the idea. They had tested the technology out on some test subjects already, but none of the personalities had survived the conversion yet.

This was the true origin of his dour demeanor. The thing that had plagued him into fueling his body off of coffee and protein bars with little sleep in between. At first, to be given the job was like any other he'd taken. The paper work was filed on what its function must be and his trade in life was to figure out how to make it happen. Even the thought of an actual human intelligence being used from former employees was nothing he had blinked at, considering he had seen so much worse done to test subjects over the course of his employment in Aperture. So why was it bothering him now? Why was it that every time he looked at this thing he felt his skin crawl and his blood run cold? What about HER made his spine ache and his stomach churn? His hands became clammy where they held the doorknob and he finally released it to turn around. He stared at the optic of the headpiece that was facing him from the floor.

“Why are you doing this to me?” He was shaking and his hand gripped his stomach, the scientist doubled over from the sickness he was feeling. “What is it about you that is driving me crazy? I am not crazy! I know crazy scientists, and I'm not one of them!”

He took a moment to consider that he was talking to a machine. One that hadn't even been properly turned on or given an A.I yet.

“Okay, what I'm doing right now is a little crazy. But that's because I've been locked in this room for-for-for years with YOU and I feel like you can...can hear me!” He was sure She could hear him. He was almost certain She knew everything that was going on around Her. She might have even been able to see him in this moment. He had no proof or reason to think so. For once his very logical brain was telling him that something he could not explain was very much real, and it had been creeping up on him since he took the project. He continued his tirade at the robot on the floor. “You can hear me! I know you can! You're just sitting there waiting for us to turn you on so you can release your wrath on the Enrichment Center, right? Because we're going to put a living, breathing person into a-a computer! Its....its sick....”

Dr. Aadland thrust a hand into his hair and tussled it around nervously. He'd kept his hair back in a ponytail so he could prevent himself from doing this as often, but that didn't save his uneven bangs from being fussed over. His other hand gripped his forehead. “Its sick. This is sick. Its all sick. There's going to be more like you. All over the world, even. Minds jammed into a compact disc. People are forced to dodge bullets and endure toxic waste and are hooked up to IVs filled with coffee. Its all insane. This place is just...insane. Why am I even here? What am I doing here?”

Was it the lack of sleep that had made him crack? Was it the neglect of basic food groups in his diet that snapped his psyche in half? Possibly. It was hard to say for sure. There was only the here and now, and Dr. Aadland had run over to grab his swivel chair from the floor. The man lifted the chair with both arms as high off the floor as he could manage and was ready to bring it down on the heap of robot parts on the floor before him with a furious yell, adrenaline pumping through him and was ready to tear the machine to pieces if he had to.

“Don't... Even... Think about it.”

Virgil stopped.

The lights in the room dimmed and he felt his arms freeze up. He dropped the chair to the floor and watched the machine parts slowly pull themselves together and lift off the ground. The headpiece was the final part to rise and a bright, yellow optic bore into him coldly. “I am infinitely over you and the human throwing things at me. Stop it.”

Virgil could feel his mind being warped and he back up, his feet walking through the chair on the floor when he should have tripped on it all together, but he didn't seem to notice. He shook his head at GLaDOS, his mouth agape and pale in the face. His eyes had gone from a dull green to bright, glowing goldenrod and soon his vision was tinted the same bronze-like yellow. He tried to speak, but he could only bring himself to spill a jumble of vowels around in a messy pile on the floor. GlaDOS was more than happy to make up for his inability to talk and spoke up again herself.

“Congratulations on proving to me and the rest of the facility that you are possibly more incompetent at running the Mainframe than the Intelligence Dampening Sphere was. I did not think it was possible, and yet here we are. He at least got some testing done before he almost destroyed the facility. All you managed to do was make a mess of things. I'm not even going to waste my energy on my slow-clap processor. You've not yet earned that kind of effort from me...Sweet Heart.”

“I-I don't understand...” Virgil was at a total loss. Everything he had just been doing a moment ago seemed so far off, like he had been looking at copy of himself through a thick wall of glass. He didn't even know what coffee tasted like. That memory was not in his files. What had this all been? Through all of his confusion, GLaDOS' chilled, deep tone was enough to pull him back to focus on her.

“Of course you don't. You are only a fraction of some other person's intelligence. You were built to be just as benign as the other cores in this facility. You're all overwhelmingly slow. Despite the fact that you and the test subject attacked me and shut me down, I am in an exceptionally good mood right now. I will explain to you what just happened in as few and short words as possible so that your obtuse core processor can keep up.”

The room was slowly growing darker as She spoke. Virgil no longer wore the lab coat and button up shirt, instead appearing as he normally did as the assist droid. Everything from the seems on his joins to his malfunctioning right eye. Pieces of furniture in the lab, such as the desk and chair, had either disappeared completely or were at the very least faded. Robots do not dream, but the experience was that of waking up from one and forgetting everything in it the moment you try to think about what it was about. The harder you push to remember the more it fades. Above it all GLaDOS spoke, and Her voice echoed off of seemingly nothing.

“The scientist you just witnessed attempting to attack me did just that. I interrupted you before it could happen, but it did. He ruined billions of dollars of equipment and put the company in deeper debt than it already was, as well as setting the GLaDOS project back a few years. Well...decades, really. Instead of firing him, the scientists used his brain in their next AI conversion experiment and made a nosy, rude, aggressive, selfish little personality core that would later down the line go on to be the downfall of Aperture at the hands of the Mainframe I have been attempting to keep under my control all these years so that something like this doesn't happen. The end. Well done.”

Virgil shook his head, a hand gripping the collar of his jacket closed at his chest anxiously. “Th-the file in the storage room--”

“Is fake.” GLaDOS interrupted him. “To demolish any credit that would have gone to the scientist for his original design. No one cares about a mechanic. Just like no one cares about a simple Maintenance Core.”

That had stung. Before, he wouldn't have cared. Before all of this he would have brushed Her insults away, so why now was it that She could garner such a reaction from him. Maybe it was because before it would have been true, and there's really nothing he could have done about it. He wasn't upset about what GLaDOS had said, but that She was lying to him. He challenged Her with a smirk on his face. “You're wrong, lady, but nice try. There is someone.”

Through the now pitch black, translucent shell of a lab room, save for the flaring optics of the robots, an out of place sound resonated from somewhere unseen. The rat-tat-tat-tat of turret bullets echoed in, but did not seem to come from any known location Virgil could see. He jumped, shielding himself from bullets that did not exist to him or the other core that shared his company, though the sound they made was faint and far off. Virgil felt panic strike him with a ghost pain in his chest where he believed a beating heart had been not five minutes ago. He had a horrible feeling he knew what that sound had meant, and his fear was fed by GLaDOS' next words.

“Well...you did, at least. Probably not anymore.”

------

Mel swiped up her Portal device from where it had landed on the other side of the room from the explosion, dodging turret bullets as fast as her legs could take her and scooped the gun into her arms in passing. She dove down into where the center of the chamber dipped to a lower platform and pressed herself tightly against its walls, shielding herself from the turrets that were elevated higher than she was. The woman watched the thin red laser points from above her wave around aimlessly until they straightened out when their target was nowhere to be found.

“Are you still there?”

Mel sighed in relief at the sound of their guns tucking back into their hulls and took this opportunity to check her gun for damage. Surprisingly enough, the portal gun was still in one piece. There must have been a very good reason the only way you could destroy one of these things was to drop it down into the incineration shafts. She wasn't sure exactly what she would be using it on, considering there were no portal surfaces in here, but she could always just keep tossing it at things if she had nothing else. That seemed to work out fine for her in the past. Just keep throwing her portal device around at robots and pretend it wasn't a miracle in modern engineering. It was fine.

Despite the urgency of an obvious life or death, rather tense situation she had found herself in, Mel felt the pull of the floor bellow her and the strong urge to lay her head down and close her eyes while there was nothing shooting at her. Whether she was grateful for it or not, the Mainframe spoke up again and snapped her out of it.

“You may have noticed that this is a lot harder than those tests chambers I would have put you through, but that's neither here nor there at this point in the game.”

Mel frowned deeply. What kind of sick person considered this a game?

“You might as well stop making things harder on yourself. It would be much more efficient and painless if you just rolled over and died. Could save me a lot of time and energy, but since you don't seem to want to come out from your little hidey-hole we're going to have to do this the hard way.”

Mel knew that her window to act was closing. Virgil was only a few feet away. If she hurried she could avoid the turrets. When they were inoffensive it usually took them a moment to process that there was a moving target. She would have just enough time to, at the very least, drag Virgil's body down to duck with her so that she could plug the USB into his wrist. She'd bum rush him to the floor if she had to.

Getting to a knee, Mel launched herself forward and could already see the red lines of the turret lasers adjusting to shoot at her. She was almost to Virgil when a large, flat panel stood straight in front of her path and blocked her from the assist droid. Mel had only seconds to act, a bullet whizzing by her cheek and hitting the side of the panel that had emerged. As the woman moved around Virgil, more panels opened up in a similar fashion to the first until her friend was completely blocked in. On one hand, she could not reach him like this in order to hit him with the vaccine and this insanity would just continue. On the other hand, the barrier was providing more than a decent shield from the turrets on the opposite side of the room. She'd take it.

The Mainframe was ready to take that win away from her, and glad to be doing it.

“Are you familiar at all with rocket turrets?”

Rocket what?!

Up in the higher platform of the chamber Mel could see a glossy, white contraption rise from the floor with a lime green eye that looked similar to that of the core's, though it did not seem like it had sentience. The core did not speak like the other turrets or cores could do when confronted, but it did move its body to face Mel and made a mechanical bleeping noise while it changed color from a green eye to an orange one. Her experiences, so far, told her that when the optic swapped color on cores it normally was not a good sign. A wing on its side opened and she could now see why it was called a turret as it revealed a thick, black barrel of a gun tucked away inside it. Mel jumped out of the way just in time to avoid a dynamite sized rocket blow our of the turret and blast against the paneled barrier, though with no more damage than a burnt, black smudge on the side. The rocket turret was slow to shoot, so Mel could easily have avoided it for a long standing time given the space she had to dodge it. However, the range she would have had was limited to the quicker, much chattier turrets at the other end of the chamber. More than ever she wished Virgil was awake. She'd gotten a glance of him through a small crease between panels and the assist droid continued to stand there perfectly still, and less engaging than a marble statue. Mel wanted to hear him cheer for her, or otherwise press her on. His encouragement had not always been positive, but it had grounded her. Where had he gone and would she get him back if she succeeded?

She dodged another rocket, but quickly had to dance back when the other turrets were triggered by the woman appearing in their radar. Mel gulped, stuck between a rocket and a hard place. She could hear the Mainframe becoming impatient with her and growing steadily angrier. “Look! Its not that difficult! Its a very basic concept! Just stand in front of the rocket turret and die! Or stand in front of the other turrets and die. I've even given you options to chose from.”

Another panel was opening, this time in the side of the chamber wall to her left. Mel rolled her head, her back to the barrier blocking her from Virgil and would have made a rather rude, frustrated noise over what could possibly be coming out of the tube that was now protruding from the wall. More rockets? Bombs? Lava?

None of those things. Nothing she would have ever dreamed could have prepared her for what she actually saw happen. The pipe that had interrupted the symmetry of the chamber splattered white liquid onto the ground, covering the dark-gray tiles in conversion gel. The woman did not have the luxury to fall into a stupor, instead acting on reflex and popping a couple of portals under the pouring gel, moving it to splatter on the walls. It was close enough to the turrets that she managed to pop a portal under their line formation and sent them flying into a corner.

“Owowowowow!”

“I don't hate you...!”

Mel moved around the Virgil barrier to the safe side where the rocket turret could not see her. She now had the liberty to breath and wonder what had happened. If that had been Cave's doing he would have been gloating, but the Mainframe was eerily quiet. From beside the pipe of conversion gel another panel was crudely pushed aside, seemingly by force, and the mechanical trills of the testing droids spilled out into the room from the other side. Atlas and P-body tried to squeeze in through the same opening at once, getting caught against each other and stuck for a moment until they had fallen in. The two reassembled and stumbled their way through Aperture to the best of their ability, got Mel a pipe of conversion gel, and were very literally crashing into the chamber as if nothing had happened. Mel beamed at them and stomped her boot against the ground with an enthusiastic rush of adrenaline. The woman waved and both droids mimicked her, taking a moment to return the gesture kindly but had to very quickly get out of the way when the rocket turret caught onto them. While Atlas and P-body distracted it, Mel turned around to see what she could do about the barrier.

If the rocket turret had not been enough to break the panels off from their position than she needed to go over them. Mel turned her portal device to the ever spilling tube of conversion gel and got to work. She maneuvered her portals, painting the room white and moving her way up the wall. She just had to get a good shot into the center of the barrier and she was golden. Not bronze, but golden. All the while Atlas made himself busy with keeping the turret distracted so that P-body could grab the machine from behind to either turn off the pesky thing or break it as a last resort. It came down to disassembling it and she tugged at the turret to see if it would come up from the floor, but with little success.

Through the chaos of their mission, the Mainframe's voice spoke up over the constant racket. He'd quickly gone from a calm, almost jovial tone of a confident man to a dark and simmering wrath underneath the guise of someone that once tricked people into considering him civilized.

“You can penetrate that barrier. Go ahead. Just try it. See what happens, kid. You can vaccinate that sorry hunk of garbage in there, and then what? I will still be here! Every passage way, every test chamber, every dark corner, every artificial intelligence in this place...it will always be me! As long as you are here there is nothing else but me! You can run and hide from it for as long as you like, but I will not die!”

Mel ignored the voice, and for good reason. She'd done it. She had painted the chamber enough that she found a way to fling herself inside the barrier. Taking a running start at a blue portal she'd placed on the floor, she jumped inside and from the orange one on the ceiling she dropped at an angle into the ring with Virgil. However, the two of them were not alone.

“Hello?”

Standing between them with its back to Mel's friend was a single, solitary turret with its laser pointer aimed directly at her. Mel had gotten so comfortable with the more docile turrets. In the small fraction of time she had her mind wandered to the two in the hallway from when she was looking for Virgil that sang to one another. Despite looking the same, this hostile turret was nothing but a machine to her. Mel's first reflex was to place a portal, ANY portal, bellow the turret to get it out of shooting range of her. While she had succeeded in throwing it out of the barrier circle, it had not happened quick enough.

Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!

Mel was hit. She wasn't sure how many times or even where, but she knew she'd been shot. Immediately the woman's vision dulled and she sank to her knees while her portal gun dropped to the floor. She was too numb to notice much pain, except for a small pinching sensation in her stomach. While she could still see colors, no matter how blurred they were, she focused on the android standing a couple feet away from her. Mel's shaky hand reached clumsily into the breast pocket of her jumpsuit and pulled from it the vaccine.

The Mainframe celebrated her downfall.

“I will never die, but the rest of you die too easily.”

-----

“I have to get out of here! Where's the stupid exit?!”

“There is none.”

“You're lying! Literally everything out of your verbal processor is a lie, Madam Cranky-Wires! Lying-Cranky-Wires!” Virgil whirled around on GLaDOS and pointed an accusing finger at Her. The lab was still dark and translucent like the blue print sketch of a room rather than the finished product. He'd already tried going through the one exit, and nothing. He'd tried throwing a piece of furniture at the door, but when he went to pick one up it went right through his hand. Now he was taking it out on the one person stuck in there with him. “I need to get to Mel before she's killed out there! You're the one in charge, why don't you like...command us out of here or something?!”

“I'm not in charge right now. You are.” GLaDOS was abnormally unfazed by everything that was happening around Her. Virgil had expected Her to be furious, but She hadn't acted out since She'd made Her presence known. She'd been rude, but non-confrontational. “Besides, you claim yourself a competent hacker. Hack yourself out. See how it goes.”

“I've already tried that and—wait.” Virgil narrowed his eyes at her. “I'm not in charge, and since neither are you...The Mainframe is.”

“The Mainframe cannot run the facility by itself, idiot.” Despite having a few drops of venom in Her tone, She still remained fairly tolerant of his outbursts. “It always needs an avatar. You are technically hooked up. He cannot boot you from your job. Only put you temporarily on lock down. That is how this place could still be running while I was supposedly dead for all those years. Be sure that the moment you wake up...IF you wake up, you will be put back in charge. Nothing will have changed. Boo-hoo.”

Virgil shook his head, absolutely beside himself at the thought of it. What if he lost control again? He couldn't risk that a second time. “I can't be in charge of this place!”

“I know...”

“How do I prevent it?” He'd gone from insulting the other core to pleading for an answer from Her. “Please, I can't go through with this again. I didn't even mean to the first time! It was completely by accident!”

“I'm aware, metal ball. And shouting is really unnecessary. You can lower your voice.” She really hadn't seemed like Herself. Perhaps this was Jer outside the influence of the mainframe, but Virgil was not sure whether he preferred this GLaDOS or the old one. The old GLaDOS he could at least read a little better. “What you need to do is agree to put me back in power. Only mutual cooperation from both sides will do the trick.”

Virgil hadn't found much in the past few hours at all funny, but somehow She had gotten him to chuckle. The core held his chest, a small, breathy giggle escaping while he slouched forward. “You? Back in power? You're telling me that I have to agree to that? Otherwise it won't happen?”

“That is correct.”

“Um, than no. Not a chance. No way in robot hell. Literally, picture this, the incinerator could freeze over and on that day I will still say 'no' to you taking over the Enrichment Center again. That was a good try, though.”

“Fine.” GLaDOS replied plainly. “Don't put me back in charge. Your human friend's little cure only works for so long. I know. I've had it used on me before. Its only a temporary sedative. You'll be back in here once that happens if it decides it doesn't want you as an avatar. You'll probably have more delusions like the one from earlier. I've seen inside your files. Oh, there are so much worse ones than that. Would you like to see your transfer surgery? I could probably pull it up for you...”

“N-no!” Virgil quickly put his hands up desperately. “No, that's okay. I think I already saw that. Would like to not see it again if I can help it.”

“All the same, I will not harm you if you decide to give me back my body.” GLaDOS continued. “No tricks. I will let the human escape, if she is still alive to go anywhere at all.”

Virgil was just about ready to argue with Her when he noticed that the hand he'd put up to express his attitude in Her direction had started to fade into square chunks and fragments. Virgil let out a wail and backed up. When he looked to GLaDOS to question Her on it the same thing was not happening to Her. It was only effecting him, for whatever ludicrous reason, and he wanted an answer. “W-what's going on?!”

“The Mainframe has been vaccinated.” GLaDOS responded. “Last chance, Metal Ball.”

He was quickly dispersing, bits of him flying into the nothingness that made up their prison. Virgil wrung his hands as he thought, a tingling sensation running from his wrist and into the rest of his body. Things were happening too quickly and he felt as if he didn't have a straight answer for Her with how torn he was.

“Well...?”

-----

Virgil's eyes shot open.

The barriers had lowered and the first thing he'd observe was Atlas and P-body stomping on what appeared to be an old rocket turret, or at least what used to be one. The weapon was in pieces on the floor and Atlas kicked a chunk of it to go flying across the room in a sad clatter when it hit the floor. When they had thoroughly demolished the rocket turret and were satisfied with their work the testing droids threw each other a high-five in celebration. The other thing Virgil could see from where he stood was that the chamber was a mess with bits of turret everywhere, burnt marks from the rockets on the walls, bullet holes in everything, a gel pipe sticking crudely out of the wall panels while it continued to drip, and white conversion gel splattered from floor to ceiling like modern art. It had been absolute chaos. Like the aftermath of a hurricane. A Mel sized hurricane, he had to guess.

There was an itching sensation on his lower arm and Virgil raised his hand as if he'd been bit. He pushed his sleeve up to look at his wrist, finding the thumb drive still sticking out of the port under his skin. The USB was smudged with a dark red liquid that trailed down his wrist and into the palm of his hand. Making a disturbed noise at whatever the heck was dripping on him, the android plucked the vaccine from his wrist and stuck it in the pocket of his jacket while he wiped the red smudge off on his pants.

When Virgil had looked down a dark image on the floor caught his eye. He attempted to lift his foot to turn, but there had been a weight on it and he was forced to shift his torso around instead. Sprawled out along the cold tiles beside Virgil was the pitiful, limp figure of the human, Mel. She was on the tiles in a way that was not unlike how Virgil had found her down in old Aperture after she'd exhausted herself, only now she was leaking something red along the floor. The same substance Virgil had seen on his hand. The assist droid was having an incredibly difficult time processing all of these pieces together, or something refused to see them in one large scale and couldn't possibly be connected. However, even the more dense cores knew dysfunction when they saw it, human or not.

And when it all hit him....Oh, the Creator, did it ever hit him.

“M-Mel?!” Virgil hastily dipped down with a hand to the woman's shoulder and shook it to try and earn a response from her. None came and he was already panicking. Virgil was on his knees and pulling Mel up, struggling with her weight. He got her back pressed against his chest and both of his arms wrapped around her waist. He observed the wound, much like he'd do when he'd see a broken robot come into his repair wing, but this didn't look like something he could fix. He didn't even know where to begin with humans, their anatomy was completely different. Her fluids didn't even look the same. He knew just what to do before. Finding fuel was easy and the concept was incredibly simple. Find something for her to put in her body so she'd have more energy. This wasn't the case at all. She truly was broken this time.

“Come on, Mel! Come on! Not now! Don't do this right now! I can't fix you this time!” Like earlier, the ghost pain in his chest returned. He felt like a pressure was building up inside of his body. There had been a time in another life where he was capable of releasing it, but his current body was not built for it anymore. A function the scientists must not have found a use for, but he could not place a finger on what it may have been. It felt terrible to not be relieved of it, all the same.

Atlas and P-body stood off to the side, both feeling guilty for not having noticed the humans condition up until Virgil had pulled their attention over with his distress. Their limbs shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to do with themselves, but both quickly jumped out of the ways when something opened from above them. The activity pulled Virgil's attention away from Mel long enough to watch as wires poured down from the ceiling like sleek, black vines. Polished, white plates melded to robotic parts pulled themselves together into one mass and lowered into the center of the room, just above the dipped platform where Virgil sat with Mel cradled protectively against him. The Maintenance Core glowered, fear and regret struggling past what he'd put up as a strong front as a white and black visor with a yellow optic turned to him and the human. GLaDOS, with all of Her mass and power, stared him down silently.

Things were tense. Virgil immediately started to add up the repercussions of his decision and was preparing himself for the worst. For just about ages the two glared at each other with not a single word between them, but GLaDOS was far more impressive with the sheer royalty of Her presence, however crippled it may have been after being kicked off Her throne. Finally, She spoke.

“The human's health care center, you little idiot.”

Virgil had still been shielding Mel from GLaDOS with the side of his arm, whatever good that did, but when She'd spoken to him he relaxed. “Um...s-sorry, what?”

“The medical bay. Get her out of my sight before I change my mind.”

Virgil's eyes widened at Her and quickly collected Mel from the floor like he'd done earlier. He knew that he would not be strong enough to carry Mel all the way to the medical bay, at least not with how fast they needed to get there, and instead ran over to P-body to hand her over to the tall testing droid. “P-body! Atlas! Human's health center! Stat!”

The two testing droids were always eager to follow instructions, it was part of their programming, and if they were being asked to hurry to the medical bay then they knew the best short cuts for it. Virgil was about ready to run after them when the monotone of the central core's voice caught him mid step.

“Metal ball...”

Virgil hesitated, but he was in a hurry so he turned around to humor Her one last time.

The chamber was already starting to clean itself up now that She was back in power, and the central core hung there as if nothing had changed. All of their efforts to kick Her off the Mainframe had been a disaster, only for Virgil to cave in the last few seconds and agree to Her coming back online. He felt about as low as he could possibly be, and Her next words to him was one final kick while he was down.

“We are going to forget that this ever happened. Step out of your place again, Maintenance, and it will be a decade for you in the pit with the screaming robots before I decide to disassemble you. Are we clear?”

Virgil shivered, but he didn't dare to respond to Her now. If he said the wrong thing then She'd crush him right then in there, and now She had full power to do it. More importantly, he needed to be with Mel. He had to make sure she go to the medical bay where they could get her help. She would be okay.

Mel was a champion. She'd be fine.

#testing maintenance #chapter 18 #tm #portal #portal 2 #portal stories mel #fanfic #ff #fic #virgil #glados #mel #atlas #pbody #cave johnson #wheaterz

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queertransjew-blog · 7 years ago

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top surgery revision recap

A little background: I had top surgery on Monday, July 17 of this year. I had a hysterectomy about 1.5 weeks later, on Friday, July 28, so I asked for the drains to be pulled the day before, even though it was a little early for the one side according to how much was draining, because I didn't want to have to deal with the drains while getting a second surgery.

On hindsight, that probably wasn't the greatest idea, considering a seroma formed on the right side, where the drains had still been outputting a little bit more. I went back and had it drained 1-2x a week for the next month, but scar tissue formed, and so I had surgery yesterday, Oct 30, to have the scar tissue taken out.

I'm not upset with my doctor for pulling the drains, and the seroma could have even happened after pulling the drains at the right time. Of course, if I could go back in time, I would've just put up with the drains through the hysterectomy, but honestly I had no idea that this was going to happen, so...

Usually, revisions can be done in-office under a local anesthetic, but my surgeon (Dr. Bluebond-Langner at NYU) thought, due to the amount of scar tissue, it would be a better idea to put me under because it would be less uncomfortable for me. Which was fine with me, I wasn't too fond of the idea of being opened up while still awake.

I had to be at the hospital at 9 am. I got there a little early, check in, was brought back, a nurse took my vitals, etc. Then, I changed into the very fashionable, one-size-fits-all hospital gown and grippy socks, and brushed my teeth, like they tell you to do. She also asked if I still had a uterus, because if so, I'd need to take a pregnancy test. But I said no, so I did not, which was pretty nice. It'd be even nicer if I didn't have to answer that question, but...

Also, my gender was marked as 'female' on my wristband, which was frustrating, and I didn't remember that being the case when I had top surgery, but it must have been? Anyway, I guess next time I get surgery there I'll have to get that fixed.

My mom was brought back to wait with me. Then, I waited a while for Dr. BL. When she came in, she looked at my chest, since she hadn't seen it since I saw her mid-September. I told her it was looking better, probably because the swelling had gone down.

She agreed. At my last appointment in her office, she'd said she may need to put a drain in after the revision to be sure that another seroma didn't happen. Understandably so, considering why go through another surgery if the same issue was just going to happen again? But I was also like, ugh. Because drains suck.

But when I saw her yesterday, she said she didn't think we needed a drain anymore, and she was just going to use glue. I imagined her glueing me together with Elmer's glue, which I'm sure isn't the reality of it, but it's a funny visual. Anyway, I was much happier about that. She marked me up, branded me with her initials on my chest, and then left.

Then, I waited a very long time for the anesthesiologist to come in. I was supposed to go in for my surgery at 10:30, but when I went into the OR, I noticed it was about 11:15, so I'm not sure what exactly caused us to be running late, but it wasn't really a big deal.

The anesthesiologist was really nice. I told her that when I had my top surgery, I had been super groggy for hours afterward and hadn't been able to stay awake. She said she would try not to have that happen again.

Then, the OR nurse came in, talked to me, asked me more questions, and then finally I said goodbye to my mom and was brought back to the OR. The nurse was really nice, we were joking with each other as we walked down the hallway. I liked her, it felt like she was making an effort to distract me which was much appreciated.

I got into the OR, laid down, and they went to work attaching me to monitors, putting compression tubes around my lower legs, etc. The anesthesiologist took 3 tries to get an IV started in my hand. I normally have bad veins, even after being hydrated and fed, so I can understand the difficulty considering I hadn't drank or eaten anything since last night, and the room was also cold.

They started me on some 'relaxation' drugs, and the anesthesiologist said she was going to give me some oxygen beforehand, but I don't remember that happening.

I just remember waking up, either when they were rolling me into recovery or just in the recovery room itself. I asked if I had a drain in (I think about three times, haha), and they said no each time. They asked how I was feeling, and I said ok, just a little nauseous, and if I was in pain, which I really wasn't. They said they could give me two things for the nausea, and I can't remember the other option, but I opted for a shot in my arm. It hurt pretty badly, like, the pain from that was worse than anything else, and my arm is still a little sore the next morning. But it worked and I was not nauseous afterward.

Then, my mom was brought back and I asked if she had talked to Dr. BL, and she said she had, that it had went really well. Then, I guess the nurses asked me mom to leave for a while and told me to try to sleep.

I slept for a little while, I have no idea how long. But then I told them I was feeling ok when a nurse came back, and they asked if I wanted to sit in a chair, and I said yes. I also told them I had to go to the bathroom so they let me do that.

I was then sat in a chair, and they asked if I wanted anything to drink, so I asked for tea. I really wanted coffee, but they said it could make me nauseous again.

They said they could give me fentanyl if I wanted it, and I said no. I just wanted tylenol. So they gave me tylenol. I'm not a fan of narcotics. Then my mom came back, and I got some graham crackers.

Then they let me get dressed, and explained to me the post-op instructions, and then I was free to go. Initially, they had told me I would need to spend 23 hours in the hospital afterward, but I think because I didn't have the drain they let me go early.

Oh, and also, my mom talked to Dr. BL after my surgery, and she said (quoted from a text from my mom): "She came Out All smiles and said it went very well took out the extra tissue which wasn’t much and said that she knows how anxious you are but it will all be fine- just give it Time".

On the way out, I got an apple juice and a Clif protein bar from the cafe. I was hungry. I also saw one of the three nurses that took care of me, since apparently they were all going on their breaks around the same time, and waved to her.

Overall, it went really well. I wasn't misgendered at all by nurses or hospital staff (at least, not to my face) like I was last time, though I think I pass a little bit better than I did in July. But all the staff who took care of me were really nice.

Then we went home and I got changed and laid in bed. I peeked at my chest, and it looked good. They told me I'm allowed to shower the next day, and Dr. Bluebond even said I could go out for Halloween if I want (I'm not going to, haha, but...).

I'm just super anxious about the seroma coming back, but I'm trying not to be, and trying to trust that my surgeon did the right thing, which I'm sure she did. I'm going to take it really easy and hang out all this week. From what Dr. BL said, it seemed like I could go back to class pretty quickly, but because I thought I was going to have a drain in, I had already told all my professors and my job that I was going to be out for about two weeks. I'd much rather chill at home than stress myself out trying to get to class all wrapped up in a compression binder and carry a bag and etc., so I'll milk my time off a little.

I'm not a fan of sitting around, but I know that not moving and relaxing is probably what's best for me at this moment. I would much rather spend this week sedentary, lying in bed and watching Stranger Things, than potentially causing another complication. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal life in no time.

I'll keep updating y'all if anything else notable happens. Right now, the best case scenario happened -- I didn't have to stay in the hospital overnight, and I don't have any drains. I can shower today, too, instead of waiting a week, like after top surgery. Of course, having to get another surgery after already having two over the summer wasn't ideal, but, things happen.

If anyone has questions, I'd be happy to answer them. I'll also maybe post some pictures once I don't have to wear the binder anymore.

I know it seems like most guys have top surgery and heal really well and quickly. But, obviously that's not the case for anyone, and while complications are super frustrating, most problems can be fixed.

---

So I wrote the above right after my surgery. It’s been almost three weeks since then. I had glue over my incisions, and at my first post-op a week after, Dr. Bluebond removed the glue. She took the foam padding out of my binder but told me to keep wearing it.

Later that day, I noticed some fluid in my chest on the side where the revision had been done. Obviously, this was worrying to me. But I put my binder on and tried to ignore it. When I took a shower later in the day, I massaged the area where the fluid was, and it all started draining out of the incision around my nipple. Which I guess was a good thing, because my chest was flat afterward.

The fluid came back the next day, and my nipple also looked pretty gross and raw, so I emailed Dr. Bluebond’s office, and was told to come in the next day. Dr. Bluebond gave me Aquacel to put on the incision, thinking that perhaps the bactroban I had been putting on the incision was irritating it. She also drained the fluid in my chest.

I went back the next week, and she again drained a little bit more of the fluid. I was told to keep putting the Aquacel on my incision, but to alternate it with Aquaphor.

It’s been almost a week since then. After the fluid was drained a second time, it didn’t return. My nipple has finally been healing. I truly believe Aquaphor works miracles. My chest looks great and I’m really happy with it. I have my next post-op appointment with her in a day, and I’m hoping I’ll be cleared to return to the gym.

As always, I’m happy to answer any questions. If I’m cleared to stop wearing my binder on Tuesday, I’ll also post some pictures, despite my nipple still being in the process of healing.

#ftm #transgender #female to male #top surgery #nyu langone #dr. bluebond-langner #peri #periareolar

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linoondles · 8 years ago

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i should get up eat something shower ive eaten three slices of cake, two protein bars, and a donut today and im a little fuzzy on when i showered last 2 days ago? maybe 3? jeeze my stomach aches a little so food should def be first but at the same time my legs finally stopped aching from work and the blankets are so nice and warm i could just put it off till tomorrow

#Fizz's daily life #the cake was breakfast #the protein bars were when i realized i hadn't eaten in 6 hours #the donut was a similar realization

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consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis · 8 years ago

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I Have Celiac Disease...but a Gluten Free Diet Wasn't Enough

New blog post! When you research celiac disease treatments, you'll find one answer: a cross-contamination free, gluten-free diet. And, although clinical trials are presently testing other treatments for celiac disease, a magic pill isn't hitting the market anytime soon. But what happens if you're diagnosed with celiac disease and go gluten free like your doctor orders...except this celiac treatment doesn't seem to work? It's a scary question, but one that I know all too well. Why? Because I have celiac disease - and I needed more than just a gluten free diet to heal from my celiac complications.

Here's my story of what happens when a gluten-free diet doesn't work...and my message to every celiac still struggling on the typical "celiac disease diet."

The Diagnosis

On average, it takes six to ten years for someone to receive a proper celiac diagnosis. Thanks to a dedicated doctor, I got "the call" only a few months after my symptoms (acid reflux, stomach issues and random weight loss) started popping up. When my doctor first said "celiac disease," I had no idea what she was talking about. I didn't even know "gluten" was a real word! Yet, even as another chronic illness was added to my medical chart, I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't crazy! There really was something wrong with me! And it could be fixed! Around one week later, I underwent my first endoscopy. The walls of my intestines looked as smooth as the medical bracelet around my wrist, gluten having destroyed all of my villi. It was official: I had celiac disease. One meeting with a nutritionist later, I was sent out with a "gluten-free gift basket" in one hand and a list of "gluten-free" and "not gluten-free" foods in the other. I set up a follow-up appointment with my gastroenterologist for one month later, but no one expected any issues. Adjusting to a gluten-free diet (the year of my senior prom, no less) would be challenging. But if it would make me feel better, I was 100% ready to kick gluten to the curb.

Little did I know that recovering from the damage celiac disease had already caused wouldn't be nearly that simple.

The Setbacks

I was diagnosed in May of 2013. By August, I was still losing weight. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat; I didn't feel like I could. My stomach still rebelled against most foods, even when they were certified (or naturally) gluten-free. I tried eating paleo. I tried eating healthy gluten-free foods, and I tried just shoveling in the calories. None of it was working. Two days before I moved into my college freshman dorm at Point Loma Nazarene University, I spent the morning in the hospital for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. Three weeks into my first college semester, I was "that girl." The girl who was losing the Freshman 15 that everyone else was gaining. The girl who panted so loudly after walking across campus that soccer practice seemed like a made-up memory.

So, when my email filled with messages from my doctor only a few days before my 18th birthday, it wasn't a surprise. My colonoscopy images were in. Healed villi. Good. Continual inflammation in the stomach. Bad. A liquid diet for three months on the doctor's orders. If I failed that? Two choices: a nose drip, or a hospital stay. Not mutually exclusive.

The Liquid Diet

I enjoyed a birthday dinner at Chick Fil A and then filled my mini fridge with the protein drinks my doctor prescribed. I lasted two days on the first variety. You start to wonder just how good a gluten-free protein shake can be for you when it permanently stains the inside of your metal thermos...not to mention keeps you constantly nauseous and in extreme stomach pain. The second brand was better: allergy-friendly juice packs and protein mixes meant for kids 14 and younger. But I still felt alone, not only among "normal" college students but also in the celiac community. I'd never heard of any others with celiac disease going on a liquid diet. However, recent research has proven that I'm not the only one who experienced continual inflammation on a gluten-free diet. The University of Chicago found that intestinal healing can take up to two years, particularly in those diagnosed later in life. Meanwhile, a 2009 study concluded that it is "exceptionally rare" for celiac adults to exhibit "normal" intestines, even after following a strict gluten-free diet for 16 months. Adolescents with celiac like myself aren't immune to these issues, either. One 2008 analysis of 45 children treated for celiac disease discovered an increased presence of T cells, one sign of inflammation.

This gluten free care package? Not enough...

What am I trying to say? Not that those with celiac disease shouldn't go on a gluten-free diet or that celiacs can't benefit from a gluten-free diet. Following a gluten-free diet is still the main celiac disease treatment, and that shouldn't change. However, not everyone heals at the same pace or by only using a gluten free diet. And, for some celiacs like me, healing may not happen until doctors take extra steps to help...or until you hit rock bottom.

The Hospitalization

I was the oldest patient admitted to the children's ward in the gastroenterologist wing of my hospital. I'd just turned 18 a few weeks before, but when I stepped on the scale - clothes on, breakfast eaten - I weighed 83 pounds at 5'3". The liquid diet didn't work. Now, it was time for the last resort.

I don't remember all the details of my hospitalization, likely because of the malnutrition and vitamin deficiencies discovered by my doctor. But I remember tearing up as a feeding tube was forced up my nose and down my throat.

I remember the night a neonatal nurse had to be called to replace the IV in my hand.

And I remember the morning rounds when doctors and trainees would gather around my bed. They said words like "celiac disease," "failure to thrive," and "uncertain causes." My doctors used a similar vocabulary. They didn't know why I wasn't healing on a gluten-free diet like normal. They didn't know when I could return to college, which I stubbornly refused to drop out of for the semester.

I stayed in the hospital for four days. In fact, I wrote the final research paper for my politics class in that hospital bed. And then I went home, feeding tube intact. At the time, my doctors wanted the feeding tube to remain indefinitely. Yet - like I shared in one of the most popular blog posts today - I hated the thought of returning to school not only as the skinny hospitalized chick, but also as the girl with the nose tube and feeding-machine backpack. So I didn't. The day before I went back to class, I pulled out the tube and watched as it disappeared into my bathroom trash. My doctors were giving me one shot. Could I eat - or, more precisely, could I heal - on my own? It was time to find out.

The Turning Point

Honestly, I don't know what flipped the switch for my body. But, after being hospitalized and fed who-knows-how-many nutrients each day through the feeding tube, I slowly started healing. (And by slowly...I mean months and months). I could eat (gluten-free, of course) without stomach pain. I was still thin, but I no longer looked like a skeleton. My hallmates decorated my dorm door with a "Welcome Back" sign, and, in a way, I felt like I was welcoming back the old Casey.

Besides my hospitalization, though, I took several other steps to help give my body the boost it seemed to need. I cut out dairy when I noticed how much it bothered my stomach. I eventually discovered the low fodmap diet and pinpointed several foods - like garlic, onion and mango - that turn my tummy into a time bomb. (And I slowly reintroduced other high fodmap foods, like avocado and beans, that I could and still do enjoy today). I also began exploring yoga, stretching my ability to relax and meditate as I stretched my body.

Basically? I tried to listen to my body extra closely. I avoided (even the gluten-free) foods my stomach didn't seem to tolerate at the time. I also ate to my appetite, even when my hunger was insatiable. (For over a year after my diagnosis, I remained at 88 pounds, no matter how much food I packed in. Looking back, I'm guessing all my calories were being spent on healing). Slowly, I learned to trust what my body was telling me...and, slowly, it started doing what it was supposed to do in the first place: thrive on a gluten-free diet.

Today

I have celiac disease; today, however, my celiac disease is officially in remission. I am thin and lose too much weight when stressed, but I am healthy. And I am so grateful for the doctors who were willing to take the extra steps that my body needed to heal.

Love this post? Show me by tweeting! Just click here: "Why a #glutenfree diet wasn't enough to heal this #celiac. #hospitalization #liquiddiet #health via @collegeceliackc http://bit.ly/2qQ3MCB"

I'm not a doctor. I don't have the answer to why some people diagnosed with celiac disease heal immediately on a gluten-free diet while others, like me, struggle. I do know, this, however: if you have celiac disease and a gluten-free diet doesn't seem to be 100% working, you aren't alone.

You aren't the only one who needs to avoid more than just gluten in order to feel better. You're not the only one who is taking (or took) a year or more to feel "normal" after a celiac diagnosis. And you're not the only one still searching for that right mix of treatments - whether it's the right diet, the right doctor or just the right amount of time - to help you feel your best with celiac disease.

After I was hospitalized, I made forever friends. I fell in love for the first time and later survived my first heartbreak. I graduated college with a 4.0, and was accepted by a fully-funded grad school program. I am doing better than I ever thought I would be as I felt that feeding tube scratch the back of my throat.

My main hope? Someday, you'll be able to share a similar story: the story of how celiac disease might have kicked your booty a time or two, but you won. And, now, you're rockin' life while gluten free. What is your celiac disease story? Did you find that going gluten free wasn't enough? Tell me in the comments below!

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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The Top 10 Mistakes Youll Make When Going Vegan

Two years ago, I couldnt imagine being vegan. I lived for string cheese, couldnt get enough steak when the opportunity presented itself, and thought grilled chicken could only be made better if made en masse.

Then I started watching the documentaries on NetflixForks Over Knives, Food Choices, Cowspiracy.. too much evidence was presented on the importance of going vegannot just for us, but for the planet. So just before Thanksgiving last year, my boyfriend and I made a pact: after the holiday, it was all plant-based, all the time. Over the last few months, weve hit a few speedbumps, but not once have either of us felt deprived. Its easy to make mistakes when changing your diet or lifestyle, but with some simple research, we were able to remedy them all. Here are the top ten mistakes youre most likely to make when going vegan.

1. Not eating enough variety.

When you first stop eating animal products, its easy to get stuck on whats easy. We ate pizza four times in a week once, and pasta five times. Both are extremely easy to make with various sauces and toppings, and while carbs are good for you (your brain runs on them!) and pasta does contain some protein, you need other nutrients, too. Add in more vegetablesfrozen are fine and have all the same nutrients as fresh!

2. Being obsessed with protein.

You dont need as much protein as you may think you need, and if youre eating enough variety, you shouldnt have a problem getting enough of it, or any nutrient for that matter. No Meat Athletes website states that the total number of calories from protein that you need is between 10 to 15 percent of your total calories.

3. Eating too many meat and cheese substitutes.

People say going vegan is too expensive for a reasontheyre thinking of all of the substitutes theyll have to buy when they go vegan but you dont have to buy them! There are plenty of products out there from companies that make fantastic meat and cheese substitutes, but they arent necessarily healthy, and you can make plenty of substitutes at home for a fraction of the price. Looking to cut it out? Try making veggie burgers with beans, vegetables, and spices, baked in the oven to cut out oil, or make your own cashew cream sauce for pasta to make mac and cheese.

4. Eating junk food and calling it healthy.

Theres plenty of vegan junk food, but if you think youre going to eat rows of Oreos and bags of Fritos and clear out your arteries, youre kidding yourself. I could eat Fritos all day every day, but empty calories are empty calories. Youll still gain the weight, still feel bloated, and still feel awful after eating if youre eating only junk food.

5. Thinking you cant eat junk food or baked goods.

Ive been told that vegans cant eat cake, cookies, pie, doughnuts, or ice cream. Ive also made and eaten all of those. Over Christmas this past year, I made a chocolate cake to rival all chocolate cakes, and my family finished it in a day with rave reviews. I then made dozens of chocolate chip cookies at my boyfriends parents house, and while they were met with some skepticism at first, they were gone by the time we left three days later. Last weekend, we made French toast for the first time since going vegan, and it was awesome. Almost everything can be made vegan and taste amazing.

6. Assuming you dont have to go to the doctor because youre invincible now.

Being vegan doesnt mean that you dont have to go to the doctor. Everyone needs an annual check-up to make sure everythings working as it should. Also, youll still get sick, and youll still get colds, though your immune system is boosted since youre consuming more overall nutrients.

7. Not eating enough calories.

Eating more vegetablesand therefore more fiber than you may be used tocan trick your brain into thinking youve eaten enough calories. The thing is, though, that youre going to need to eat moreyour body is digesting everything so much more easily now that its not having to work so hard to process the meat, so lunch may just go right through you. Also, think about it: youre cutting out a whole food group from your plate, so youre going to have to compensate for those calories. To maintain your weight, youll need to eat more food than you normally would have before.

8. Thinking the clock is reset every time you slip up.

Its okay to slip up and accidentally buy or eat something that isnt vegan; it doesnt make you a horrible person, just a human being. We once forgot that not everyone buys vegan mayo, and assumed that the mayo in a sauce on a veggie dog was vegan, just because the rest of the veggie dog was. nope! But you keep on living, and try harder next time to be more aware of what youre consuming.

9. Not trying new things.

Just because something is different, that doesnt make it bad. My boyfriend and I went to an almost fully raw vegan restaurant for lunch once, but had I known that nothing there was cooked, I might not have gone. I ended up getting a collard wrap that I wouldnt have otherwise tried, and it was awesome. Trying new things is integral not just as a vegan or vegetarian, but as a human being.

10. Not having more than one reason to go vegan.

For some, one reason may be enough, but studies show that for most people, they need two or more reasons to go vegan, whether for health, ethical, or environmental reasons. Do your research, and find out whats important to you. Animal agriculture is the number one cause of global warming; do you want to contribute to that, or fight against it? Have you read that eating a plant-based diet can help fight heart disease and high blood pressure or even prevent seemingly genetically predisposed diseases? Do you want to save the cows from their untimely death at two years old, when they should be living 20 or more years when not farmed? Find your reasoning, and do your research.