queertransjew-blog

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good news!

Quick update: 1) I have legally changed my name, 2) my insurance company agreed to reimburse me for electrolysis, and 3) I have a surgery date! very early 2019. I don’t want to post the specific date. But I am very excited.

And I’m excited about my excitement, considering I wasn’t sure how I’d feel when I actually got a date. It feels real now, concrete. And my excitement makes me feel like this is the right thing for me to do.

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bottom surgery letters + first electrolysis session

This has been a productive week. On Monday, I saw two different mental health providers at Callen Lorde to get my letters for bottom surgery, and also picked up one from my doctor who prescribes my hormones, also through Callen Lorde.

The first person I saw was a psychiatrist. He was very nice, and prefaced that Callen Lorde feels like they shouldn’t have to write these letters for health coverage for trans people, but obviously because it’s required by insurance and some surgeons, they provide it as a service to their patients. Then, he asked me questions, basically to determine that I am mentally stable and in a good place financially and socially to be able to go through such an extensive surgery. It was quick, only about 10-15 minutes, and then he wrote up and printed out the letter, and I was off to my next appointment.

The second person I saw was a licensed clinical social worker. He was young, probably not much older than me. I really wasn’t a fan of him. He didn’t preface with the fact they feel the letters shouldn’t be required. He would sometimes go “hmmm” after I answered a question, or made some weird jokes that I think were maybe an attempt to ease the tension of the intimate questions, but in reality didn’t make me feel better at all. Then, he asked if I could pick up the letter in a few days. Both the psychiatrist and the other person I saw when I got my letter for top surgery through Callen Lorde were able to type up and print out the letters right then and there for me. I asked if he could just do it today, because I have to commute into the city and am not exactly local. He said he had no time, oddly. This was odd because he was able to take me earlier than my scheduled appointment because his prior appointment didn’t show up, and we were finished with the questions before my actual appointment was even scheduled to start. I understand that my needs aren’t his first priority, but I thought it strange this appointment didn’t follow a similar template to the others I’ve had.

Anyway, after some pushing he agreed to write the letter then if I was willing to wait, which I was. So I was then able to send my letters early this morning to my surgeon’s office, and now am anxiously waiting on a date.

I also had my first electrolysis appointment today. I sat for an hour, and wasn’t sure what to expect pain-wise. I consider myself to have a pretty high pain tolerance, and have multiple tattoos, and this definitely didn’t hurt as badly. It’s uncomfortable, but tolerable. And the lady who does the electrolysis is very talkative, so the distraction is nice.

I was also reminded I need to get back in touch with my insurance to figure out how to get reimbursed for electrolysis. I have a direct contact now, which is great, but she said she’d get back to me and never did.

Later this week, I go to court to hopefully finalize my name change. The judge who is hearing my case is Republican, so we will see how that goes...and I’m seeing my surgeon next week and have a list of follow-up questions to ask her.

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top surgery revision update

It has been two days short of 10 weeks since my top surgery revision. Apparently, my body really like to make scar tissue, because I developed some more — although this is still an improvement over what it looked like pre-revision.

Here’s a few photos of what my chest currently looks like:

In case you didn’t read my last post — Dr. Bluebond gave me injections of kenalog and something else at my last post-op, and it has definitely helped in reducing the scar tissue, though as you can see from the photos, there is still a little there. I think it’s obvious, but if it’s not -- the revision was done on the right side of my chest.

I’m sorry about not having photos from before my revision, but I honestly didn’t take many, and the ones I did have, I deleted. But I think what ultimately matters is the final result, and I also don’t want someone to stumble on them and think lesser of Dr. Bluebond’s results — not that she necessarily needs me to vouch for her, but I think highly of her as a surgeon, and I don’t want an intermediary result that she is obviously taking care of to be a blemish on her reputation. Maybe some people will think that’s problematic, but whatever. I’m only sharing what I’m comfortable with.

And again -- the scar tissue I developed was not due to any fault on my surgeon’s end. After my drains were removed, I developed a seroma that left scar tissue after it was gone. And obviously my body is prone to developing excess scar tissue since some formed again after the revision, though not nearly as much this time around.

Also, it honestly looks worse in the photos than it does in real life. And while it’d be nice to have the scar tissue all gone, Dr. Bluebond said if the injections didn’t take care of it, then she’d be able to do a second revision, but this one would be in-office and not in the OR and would be simple. As for the scarring, because now the incision line is larger since the second surgery, she said she could also revise that.

I’m happy with how my chest looks. I’m confident after a few more months, it’ll look even better, and I’m willing to be patient and potentially have to get another revision, because really all that matters to me at the moment is that I don’t have to bind — and I don’t. And I’m confident Dr. Bluebond is going to make sure both she and I are satisfied with my results.

I see her again in a little more than a week, and we’ll see what needs to be done from there, if anything.

Again, and as always, please let me know if you have questions or whatever else.

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electrolysis consult + insurance coverage

About a week ago, I had a consultation for electrolysis. I had a hard time trying to decide if I wanted to go for laser first, and then move on to electrolysis afterward, or just go straight to electrolysis. I decided to go straight to electrolysis because 1) it’s covered by my insurance, and 2) electrolysis is permanent, and laser is not. Since I’d have to do electrolysis eventually, I figured why not skip the intermediate step and go straight to it.

Researching it was making me anxious, mostly because I was trying to find a dermatologist that was covered by my insurance and also performs electrolysis. Turns out, there really aren’t any. Then, I was trying to find someone that was affordable enough that I could pay them for each session, and then wait for insurance to reimburse me. Knowing how health insurance companies work, I figured it could be a while until I was reimbursed for each session, so I didn’t want to go in not caring about cost when it was going to be coming out of my pocket first. A lot of the electrolysis providers in my area charge anywhere between $90-125 per an hour session, but I found one woman who charges $80 per hour, and she’s the one I ended up going to.

In the consult request on her website, I wrote that I was looking for electrolysis on my forearm. When I met her, she immediately knew it was for phalloplasty. Despite having her practice in a small suburban town, she told me she’d done electrolysis on three other guys. I assume they all went to one of the California doctors, because she asked me if I was going to CA as well for my surgery. She said she also treated a lot of trans women.

So that was a nice surprise, because I had assumed anyone doing electrolysis in my area would not really be familiar with trans people. But she was really nice, and unless something changes, I’ll be sticking with her for electrolysis.

I’m happy to be getting started with this, because it feels like taking steps in the right direction.

I also talked to a really nice woman who is a representative for my health insurance company. I had been told multiple times electrolysis wasn’t covered under my plan (despite finding documentation that said otherwise). She apologized for the misinformation, told me that it is covered because it’s for phalloplasty, and then said she would help me not only get reimbursed for it, but personally talk to the woman performing the electrolysis to get the necessary information.

Sidenote: Electrolysis should be covered for anyone, trans women or trans men or non-binary people, if they feel like they need it. It shouldn’t be covered only as a pre-requisite for surgery. But I don’t make the rules, unfortunately...

She also said she’d be able to help with getting all the documentation for bottom surgery coverage through the insurance company, and said to give her information to my surgeon’s office so they could correspond directly.

I’m glad to have a direct contact at my insurance company to reach out to with any questions, because I’ve found a lot of the reps aren’t…knowledgable, despite having that knowledge supposedly being a part of their job? Trans healthcare is lacking, we all know this. Anyway, things are moving along and I’m happy about it.

I have two appointments with therapists next week to get my letters for bottom surgery, so then I can secure a surgery date. It’ll be nice to have a concrete date to finally look forward to! And then in another week or so I see Dr. Bluebond again for a post-op for my revision, but also to talk to her more about bottom surgery (since I have a bunch of questions I thought of after my first consult).

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Hi I've been looking into different top surgeons around the East Coast. Would you be willing to answer some questions about your experience w/ Dr. bluebond-langner if i messaged you privately ?

sure!

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top surgery follow-up/phalloplasty consult

Today I saw Dr. Bluebond for both a follow-up for my top surgery revision as well as a consultation for phalloplasty.

Firstly, the nurse who took my vitals asked how long it was between when I had my very first appointment with Dr. Bluebond to the time I had my first surgery with her. She said she asked because they were working hard to make sure all patients were seen in a timely manner, because she has a relatively long waiting list.  

I have some scar tissue still left over (apparently my body loves to make scar tissue), but she injected it with some stuff that’ll hopefully break it down. And she said if my scars don’t fade satisfactorily (I had peri), she can revise them. I mention this because it’s evidence that she has, for the whole time I’ve seen her, been very much focused on having an outcome both she and I are pleased with, and I don’t feel like I need to beg for my needs to be addressed. So that’s cool.

I was anxious going in because I had talked to Stacey about wanting to schedule a consult, and she said I could just talk to Dr. Bluebond at my post op. I felt like if we were covering both at once, it was going to be rushed, and walking into the waiting room, I could also see they were very busy. But not once during the appointment did I feel rushed — I wasn’t even expecting to meet Dr. Zhao, but he was there as well, so it was a legitimate consultation and I didn’t need to be anxious.

Dr. Bluebond first asked me to rank my priorities, and in this order, they were 1) sensation 2) aesthetics 3) STP 4) sexual use/penetration. She then asked if I had a donor site in mind, and I said I wanted her input. She said either would be fine for me — with ALT, she said there is an extra step involved and they may also need to reduce the girth, which I really don’t want to have to deal with. She said, because I’m small and have short and skinny forearms, that my phallus would be smaller, but honestly I’m fine with that. The ability to have penetrative sex would be nice, but truly is my last priority, and I’m also not concerned with the scar I’ll have on my forearm — I’d probably tattoo over it anyway. And I forgot to ask this at my consult, but I was told in an email that patients who get RFF do usually need physical therapy afterward.

I’m planning on going with the whole deal — RFF, urethral lengthening, glansplasty, scrotoplasty and implants, vaginectomy, and an erectile device, with my natal phallus buried inside the phallus that will be created. She also asked if I wanted to get integra, since that’s an extra step, and I said yes. We didn’t talk about which ED, but I’m more interested in the rod, and I’m sure I’ll have time in the future to talk to her about it.

The majority of the conversation had to do with potential complications and the severity of the surgery. Dr. Zhao stated there’s a 50% chance of complications in terms of urethral lengthening, and talked about strictures, fistulas, etc. He said usually they’re only temporary complications and can be fixed, but it’s just a matter of needing more surgeries than initially anticipated. He also talked about the possibility of sensation not returning.

Because I had top surgery with Dr. Bluebond as well, I can contrast this experience with my consult for top surgery with her. This one felt like a much more serious conversation, where both Dr. Bluebond and Dr. Zhao were very serious about making sure I was aware of how involved the surgery was, saying it’s a couple years-long process. They said people assume since they made it through top surgery and hysterectomy without issue, phallo is a breeze as well. Having done a ton of research beforehand, before I had even made up my mind on getting surgery, I was aware of this, and actually sort of surprised people had different impressions prior to their consults. But I appreciate that they are very up-front about the real possibilities of complications.

Dr. Bluebond said it was good that we already have a prior relationship from me having had surgery with her, so that was nice. She also said to start hair removal, but said either laser or electrolysis will work. I’m not sure if that’s her general recommendation or if she just recommended that for me, because I do have pretty dark hair and I think laser can work for people with darker hair?

They basically answered most of my questions without me having to ask them — it feels like they have their consult routine down pat. I had given my mom a run-down of what is involved in phalloplasty in the car ride on the way to the office, but their focus on the complications involved freaked her out. It didn’t freak me out, because I was already aware of the potential complications, and in fact, hearing them talking about them and feeling my sureness in wanting this surgery not waver made me feel more secure in my decision. But my mom was confused, and asked if they don’t actually recommend the procedure. They of course said no, just that they want patients to be aware BEFORE going into surgery what is actually involved.

So basically my next steps are to get my letters sent in to the office once I get them in a couple of weeks, and then Dr. Bluebond said that we can set a date hopefully for the beginning of 2019. I need a break from surgeries for the moment, and I also need time to save up money. I also need to start hair removal ASAP.

All in all, a good visit, and I’m excited to start moving forward. I hope I didn’t forget anything, but if there’s anything else you want me to address or discuss, I’m happy to talk about whatever.

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being trans is isolating

It’s hard to go through the changes brought on by testosterone and go through surgeries surrounded by people who don’t know what it’s like. My family and friends can empathize with me, but I don’t have any transmasc friends in real life who are also on hormones/have gotten surgery, and talking to people online only helps so much.

And now that I’m pursuing phalloplasty, I feel even more isolated. I don’t want to tell my friends or family because I feel like this is so personal, but on the other hand I want to be able to talk to someone about it.

I wish I lived in an area that had more support groups specifically for transmasculine people. I feel like I need friends who can share in my experiences. And I still have to decided whether I want to tell my family right now that I’m planning on bottom surgery or not. I just feel like there’s going to be so many questions that I don’t want to answer or assumptions made that I don’t want to have to deal with.

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“oh i love your name” “thanks i picked it out myself” is an A+ trans joke 

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Hey! Any chance you'd mind posting another pic of your post-op chest? Totally cool if you're not comfortable doing that, I'm asking since you're only one of two people who've had peri w/ Dr. Bluebond-Langner, and I'm going to be getting peri with her soon. Thanks for all the info you've been providing!

Hey! Not sure when you sent this, I haven’t checked my account for quite a while. Sorry if this is a late response. I just had a revision and will be posting some updated pictures hopefully within a week.

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future plans

I’ve decided to start seriously pursuing bottom surgery with Dr. Bluebond-Langner. I’m very comfortable and impressed with her, both with her surgical skills and her standards of care with her patients. She’s incredibly caring and the other medical staff she works with are also great people and very competent.

I’m still dealing with tying up the loose ends of my top surgery in terms of finances and issues with my health insurance. I also need to save money, because top surgery pretty much drained my wallet. I know I need to save for electrolysis, and I am also starting to work on getting letters together for insurance approval. 

I’m thinking that once I secure those letters and finalize everything from my top surgery with my health insurance, I’ll call to schedule a consult. 

My biggest concerns in terms of surgery are 1) being able to afford it, 2) finding time for it, and 3) dealing with recovery. I’m sure if I seriously start to save up in the next year or so I’ll be in a better place, since I’m not planning on actually getting surgery until winter 2018 at the absolute earliest, though I certainly would be willing to wait until summer 2019. I also want to move cities in the summer, so I’ll need to find a job that will be able to accomodate me having these surgeries. And I also really don’t deal with downtime well, and phalloplasty requires long periods of recovery. But, I also know that in the end, it’ll be worth it.

So I’ll continue posting about the process with any updates. I’ll also try to post some pictures of my chest soon, once I’m freed from my post op binder.

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top surgery revision recap

A little background: I had top surgery on Monday, July 17 of this year. I had a hysterectomy about 1.5 weeks later, on Friday, July 28, so I asked for the drains to be pulled the day before, even though it was a little early for the one side according to how much was draining, because I didn't want to have to deal with the drains while getting a second surgery.

On hindsight, that probably wasn't the greatest idea, considering a seroma formed on the right side, where the drains had still been outputting a little bit more. I went back and had it drained 1-2x a week for the next month, but scar tissue formed, and so I had surgery yesterday, Oct 30, to have the scar tissue taken out.

I'm not upset with my doctor for pulling the drains, and the seroma could have even happened after pulling the drains at the right time. Of course, if I could go back in time, I would've just put up with the drains through the hysterectomy, but honestly I had no idea that this was going to happen, so...

Usually, revisions can be done in-office under a local anesthetic, but my surgeon (Dr. Bluebond-Langner at NYU) thought, due to the amount of scar tissue, it would be a better idea to put me under because it would be less uncomfortable for me. Which was fine with me, I wasn't too fond of the idea of being opened up while still awake.

I had to be at the hospital at 9 am. I got there a little early, check in, was brought back, a nurse took my vitals, etc. Then, I changed into the very fashionable, one-size-fits-all hospital gown and grippy socks, and brushed my teeth, like they tell you to do. She also asked if I still had a uterus, because if so, I'd need to take a pregnancy test. But I said no, so I did not, which was pretty nice. It'd be even nicer if I didn't have to answer that question, but...

Also, my gender was marked as 'female' on my wristband, which was frustrating, and I didn't remember that being the case when I had top surgery, but it must have been? Anyway, I guess next time I get surgery there I'll have to get that fixed.

My mom was brought back to wait with me. Then, I waited a while for Dr. BL. When she came in, she looked at my chest, since she hadn't seen it since I saw her mid-September. I told her it was looking better, probably because the swelling had gone down.

She agreed. At my last appointment in her office, she'd said she may need to put a drain in after the revision to be sure that another seroma didn't happen. Understandably so, considering why go through another surgery if the same issue was just going to happen again? But I was also like, ugh. Because drains suck.

But when I saw her yesterday, she said she didn't think we needed a drain anymore, and she was just going to use glue. I imagined her glueing me together with Elmer's glue, which I'm sure isn't the reality of it, but it's a funny visual. Anyway, I was much happier about that. She marked me up, branded me with her initials on my chest, and then left.

Then, I waited a very long time for the anesthesiologist to come in. I was supposed to go in for my surgery at 10:30, but when I went into the OR, I noticed it was about 11:15, so I'm not sure what exactly caused us to be running late, but it wasn't really a big deal.

The anesthesiologist was really nice. I told her that when I had my top surgery, I had been super groggy for hours afterward and hadn't been able to stay awake. She said she would try not to have that happen again.

Then, the OR nurse came in, talked to me, asked me more questions, and then finally I said goodbye to my mom and was brought back to the OR. The nurse was really nice, we were joking with each other as we walked down the hallway. I liked her, it felt like she was making an effort to distract me which was much appreciated.

I got into the OR, laid down, and they went to work attaching me to monitors, putting compression tubes around my lower legs, etc. The anesthesiologist took 3 tries to get an IV started in my hand. I normally have bad veins, even after being hydrated and fed, so I can understand the difficulty considering I hadn't drank or eaten anything since last night, and the room was also cold.

They started me on some 'relaxation' drugs, and the anesthesiologist said she was going to give me some oxygen beforehand, but I don't remember that happening.

I just remember waking up, either when they were rolling me into recovery or just in the recovery room itself. I asked if I had a drain in (I think about three times, haha), and they said no each time. They asked how I was feeling, and I said ok, just a little nauseous, and if I was in pain, which I really wasn't. They said they could give me two things for the nausea, and I can't remember the other option, but I opted for a shot in my arm. It hurt pretty badly, like, the pain from that was worse than anything else, and my arm is still a little sore the next morning. But it worked and I was not nauseous afterward.

Then, my mom was brought back and I asked if she had talked to Dr. BL, and she said she had, that it had went really well. Then, I guess the nurses asked me mom to leave for a while and told me to try to sleep.

I slept for a little while, I have no idea how long. But then I told them I was feeling ok when a nurse came back, and they asked if I wanted to sit in a chair, and I said yes. I also told them I had to go to the bathroom so they let me do that.

I was then sat in a chair, and they asked if I wanted anything to drink, so I asked for tea. I really wanted coffee, but they said it could make me nauseous again.

They said they could give me fentanyl if I wanted it, and I said no. I just wanted tylenol. So they gave me tylenol. I'm not a fan of narcotics. Then my mom came back, and I got some graham crackers.

Then they let me get dressed, and explained to me the post-op instructions, and then I was free to go. Initially, they had told me I would need to spend 23 hours in the hospital afterward, but I think because I didn't have the drain they let me go early.

Oh, and also, my mom talked to Dr. BL after my surgery, and she said (quoted from a text from my mom): "She came Out All smiles and said it went very well took out the extra tissue which wasn’t much and said that she knows how anxious you are but it will all be fine- just give it Time".

On the way out, I got an apple juice and a Clif protein bar from the cafe. I was hungry. I also saw one of the three nurses that took care of me, since apparently they were all going on their breaks around the same time, and waved to her.

Overall, it went really well. I wasn't misgendered at all by nurses or hospital staff (at least, not to my face) like I was last time, though I think I pass a little bit better than I did in July. But all the staff who took care of me were really nice.

Then we went home and I got changed and laid in bed. I peeked at my chest, and it looked good. They told me I'm allowed to shower the next day, and Dr. Bluebond even said I could go out for Halloween if I want (I'm not going to, haha, but...).

I'm just super anxious about the seroma coming back, but I'm trying not to be, and trying to trust that my surgeon did the right thing, which I'm sure she did. I'm going to take it really easy and hang out all this week. From what Dr. BL said, it seemed like I could go back to class pretty quickly, but because I thought I was going to have a drain in, I had already told all my professors and my job that I was going to be out for about two weeks. I'd much rather chill at home than stress myself out trying to get to class all wrapped up in a compression binder and carry a bag and etc., so I'll milk my time off a little.

I'm not a fan of sitting around, but I know that not moving and relaxing is probably what's best for me at this moment. I would much rather spend this week sedentary, lying in bed and watching Stranger Things, than potentially causing another complication. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal life in no time.

I'll keep updating y'all if anything else notable happens. Right now, the best case scenario happened -- I didn't have to stay in the hospital overnight, and I don't have any drains. I can shower today, too, instead of waiting a week, like after top surgery. Of course, having to get another surgery after already having two over the summer wasn't ideal, but, things happen.

If anyone has questions, I'd be happy to answer them. I'll also maybe post some pictures once I don't have to wear the binder anymore.

I know it seems like most guys have top surgery and heal really well and quickly. But, obviously that's not the case for anyone, and while complications are super frustrating, most problems can be fixed.

---

So I wrote the above right after my surgery. It’s been almost three weeks since then. I had glue over my incisions, and at my first post-op a week after, Dr. Bluebond removed the glue. She took the foam padding out of my binder but told me to keep wearing it.

Later that day, I noticed some fluid in my chest on the side where the revision had been done. Obviously, this was worrying to me. But I put my binder on and tried to ignore it. When I took a shower later in the day, I massaged the area where the fluid was, and it all started draining out of the incision around my nipple. Which I guess was a good thing, because my chest was flat afterward.

The fluid came back the next day, and my nipple also looked pretty gross and raw, so I emailed Dr. Bluebond’s office, and was told to come in the next day. Dr. Bluebond gave me Aquacel to put on the incision, thinking that perhaps the bactroban I had been putting on the incision was irritating it. She also drained the fluid in my chest.

I went back the next week, and she again drained a little bit more of the fluid. I was told to keep putting the Aquacel on my incision, but to alternate it with Aquaphor.

It’s been almost a week since then. After the fluid was drained a second time, it didn’t return. My nipple has finally been healing. I truly believe Aquaphor works miracles. My chest looks great and I’m really happy with it. I have my next post-op appointment with her in a day, and I’m hoping I’ll be cleared to return to the gym.

As always, I’m happy to answer any questions. If I’m cleared to stop wearing my binder on Tuesday, I’ll also post some pictures, despite my nipple still being in the process of healing.

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3 months post hysterectomy + top surgery

General business of life made me desert this blog, but I am back! The last time I’d posted, it was shortly after my hysterectomy and 2 weeks post top surgery. 

I’ll try to do a brief update here: 

Recovery from my hysterectomy was easy as heck. Dr, Rodriguez told me that I would have to wait a month to go back to work, but at my 2 week post-op appointment, she ended up clearing me for work if I felt up to it (and I did). 5.5 weeks after my hysto, I started going to the gym and lifting and cycling again, and felt fine. I stopped bleeding after about a week, and my scars from the laproscopic incisions are basically invisible already. 

Top surgery recovery, however, was a little rougher, only in terms of cosmetic appearance, though. The seroma I had left some scar tissue on the underside of my right side. Dr. Bluebond agreed to a revision earlier on than most surgeons would do, and I ended up going in for a second surgery to take out the scar tissue the day before Halloween.

My next post will be a recap of the revision and healing of that. I don’t want to make this one too long.

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Nonbinary people are nonbinary

You have to accept this if you want to be inclusive of nonbinary people.

You can’t just shove nonbinary people back into binary boxes. Nonbinary people who are woman-aligned aren’t “basically women,” and their experiences will still differ from women’s experiences in many ways. There are nonbinary people who aren’t aligned with either binary gender, or are aligned with both, or whose alignment varies depending on the topic. That’s because they’re nonbinary. You can’t reduce nonbinary people back to being binary, that defeats the point.

There are nonbinary people who are both women and men. It’s part of how they’re nonbinary. You can’t tell them to just pick one. Being partially a man doesn’t negate them being female, and being partially a woman doesn’t negate them being male. They’re both.

There are nonbinary people who are partially a binary gender, but not fully. They’re not any more binary than people who are both binary genders. If you want to exclude someone from your women’s space for being partially male, you should apply the same standard to someone who is partially neutrois. They are both equally not-women, and equally women.

It’s not enough to take traditionally binary communities and tack on “oh and nonbinary people can come in too.” You need to think about the implications. And you need to think about it through the lens of nonbinary people being neither men nor women, because that’s what nonbinary means.

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how unfair is it that trans people have to spend thousands and thousands of dollars just to achieve some level of comfort in their own bodies?

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hysterectomy + 2 weeks post-op top surgery

CW: talk of reproductive organs, blood, hospitals, etc. General TMI stuff ahead.

I meant to post this three days ago! But anesthesia apparently really fucks with my concentration. And so does exhaustion from having two major surgeries less than two weeks apart. Here we go:

Four days ago, I had a full hysterectomy with Dr. Zoe Rodriguez at Mt. Sinai hospital in NYC.  By ‘full’, I mean they removed everything — uterus, tubes, ovaries, etc.

I was told no eating after midnight the day of the surgery, though of course that’s a pretty commonly known thing because of the anesthetic. I had to be at the hospital at 6:30, so my mom and I were up early. We had an easy trip into the city and got there a little early. The hospital was small, though the waiting room did have some occupants who obviously had arrived even earlier than us. I checked in, filled out paperwork, signed my name for the fiftieth time this month…(been signing a lot of paperwork recently). I was brought back to sign some more paperwork, was asked when was the last time I’d eaten anything (9 pm the night before).

About an hour after we arrived, I was called back by a nurse. My mom, who was with me, had to wait in the waiting room while I was told to change into a pair of pants, gown, and robe. They also gave me those ugly grey hospital socks. I put my clothes and belongings into plastic bags and then sat in a second waiting room, until I was led, with another patient, down a hallway, into an elevator, and into the pre-op room. The man who took us there knelt down and rolled up the bottom of my pants for me, “so I wouldn’t trip.” It was emasculating and made me feel like a child. I was mad, but too tired and hungry to voice my feelings.

I sat down on a bed and a nurse came over and took some information. I forgot to tell her I was on testosterone, and she didn’t like that. I forgot to mention that in my list of medications. Silly me. Then they called up my mom and let her join me. My mom said she liked that they gave me a robe. I pointed out my gown was stained

Then, my surgeon came, and we talked about the procedure and she asked if I had any questions (I didn’t). I signed a paper saying I was cool with them taking out a bunch of organs. I met the other two doctors working with my surgeon. I met the anesthesiologist. He was really cool. I told him my left hand still hurt from the IV they placed when I had top surgery a week and a half ago. I also told him how much I hated being groggy after top surgery, and he said he’d do his best to make the waking up from this surgery better. Then, I met one of the OR nurses. I signed another paper.

They asked if I was okay walking to the OR. Sure, I said. I gave my mom a kiss and a hug, and then I followed the doctors to the OR. The had me get on the table, on top of some foam padding. I couldn’t wear my compression binder from top surgery because it covered too much of my abdomen, so I took that off and they wrapped my chest in gauze and ace bandages. I was grateful my surgeon was so careful with my chest, considering it was an inconvenience to her to have to take that extra step.

They put something in my IV that made me feel really spacey. They helped me take off my pants (not weird at all!!) I laid back on the gurney, and then I don’t remember anything until I woke up in the post-op room, which was right next to the pre-op room. My mom said one of the nurses tried explaining the post-op instructions to me while I was still asleep. It took me a long time to wake up from surgery. I felt like I had cramps, but the pain was manageable. I dozed on and off until a nurse came over and asked if I could walk. I said, “I guess so.” She walked me over to a bunch of armchairs and had me sit down on the end. My mom wasn’t allowed to come with me; she had to wait in an area near the elevators, where there were some chairs.

They offered something to eat and drink. I had some tea and saltines. They offered me cake, which looked like it had been sitting out for a while. No thank you. I ate the saltines and drank the tea. The nurse asked if I wanted to try to go to the bathroom. Again, I said, “I guess.” She walked me to the bathroom. While I was still asleep, they put some thin, almost gauze-like underwear on me with a thick pad. She gave me another pad to replace it with. I sat down on the toilet and a lot of blood came out, but no pee. I called the nurse back in and told her I couldn’t pee. She showed me the blood and said she was worried about all of it (why???). She said she was going to call my doctor. My anesthesiologist came over and asked how I was feeling. I said I was feeling pretty good. I was glad he checked in on me. I sat back down and had more tea to drink.

Apparently, the fluid in my IV wasn’t actually going into my body. The part of the tube closest to my hand seemed to be jammed with blood. I think this is why I had trouble peeing, because there was no fluid going into me, besides what I was drinking. My mom came over and sat with me for a while. The doctor came, looked at the blood (which the nurse had kept covered in the bathroom), and said it was normal. It was the last of everything come out after gravity pulled it from me when I stood up and walked around. The doctor left, and my mom was again told she couldn’t wait with me.

I drank two more cups of water, then waited until I felt like I had to pee. The nurse led me to the bathroom again. I asked her if she could hang up the blanket I had over my shoulders, and she pointed to the hook and said, “sure, you can hang it up.” I told her I couldn’t reach up there, I’d just had surgery on my chest. I thought it was weird she hadn’t just done it for me in the first place, considering I could barely stand up straight.

I sat on the toilet for maybe a half hour, until I could finally force some pee out. I was told not to lock the door, in case I need a nurse to come in and help me. Apparently, no one was guarding the door, because two people walked in on me at two different times. I was too out of it to really care. I finally peed enough that the one nurse was happy with. She flushed it down the toilet instead of keeping it in the ‘hat’ they used to measure your pee output. The other nurse didn’t seem happy about that. She made me sit down again and drink more. I asked her why I was still waiting, considering I’d done everything I needed to do before they could discharge me. She said I needed to pee again, and I said I already had. She said she had to talk to the doctor.

Apparently, the doctor said it was alright for me to leave, because they let me get dressed. My mom helped me. The nurse came over and asked to see the pad in my underwear to see how much blood there was. She was satisfied with whatever she saw. They told me to drink a lot of water and sent me on my way.

My mom bought me an orange juice and a Clif bar for the ride home. I wasn’t really hungry but thought I should eat. My throat was killing me from the tube they placed for the anesthesia. I had to stop at a Starbucks on the way home to pee.

I was prescribed Percocet, which I didn’t take. I didn’t take the Oxycodone they prescribed me after top surgery, either. After top surgery, I only took extra strength Tylenol, and for the first two days after my hysto, I took Tylenol and Ibuprofen. I got home, laid on the couch, and ate some soup and pretzels for dinner. I had bad gas pains in my neck and shoulders.

The next couple of days, I felt decent, but didn’t have much of an appetite. I also found that I lost the ability to feel when I had to pee. I just made sure to pee every couple of hours. Today, I feel like that ability is slowly coming back. However, peeing does still take longer than it used to. And, I’m constipated, which didn’t happen after top surgery. Stool softeners are helping. On day two, I had gas pains in my neck and shoulders again, and I also was very tired. I napped for an hour and a half in the afternoon, and spent most of the day on the couch. Day three, I felt a lot better. My appetite started to come back, and I wasn’t as tired. I went for a walk in the afternoon. 
Today, my appetite is continuing to return. I went for a little bit of a longer walk. I also went for my two week post-op appointment for top surgery. I had my drains out the day before my hysto, but unfortunately, I’ve had some fluid in my right side of my chest. My surgeon stuck a needle into my chest and drained it, and told me to massage my chest a few times a day and to keep wearing my compression binder. Hopefully, the fluid won’t come back, but she said it might. My throat also still hurts from the anesthetic.

I’m not allowed to do anything more strenuous than walking for at least a couple of weeks, if not more. My hysto surgeon said I’d have to take a month off work, so with already having taken nearly two weeks off before my hysto for top surgery, that’ll be a total of six weeks off from work. But from the way I’m feeling only four days after surgery, I think I may be able to go back sooner, as long as I take it easy. I guess we’ll see. I’ve just been feeling very antsy. Being able to hang out and take a break from Real Life was nice for a couple weeks, but now I’m antsy and want to get back to Real Life. I want to be able to run and lift weights and bike and go to work…but I know I have to be patient.

Overall, I’m very happy with the results of both my surgeries. The seroma complication with my top surgery is more of an annoyance than a genuine concern. It probably happened because the one drain was taken out a little too soon, but I really didn’t want to have to deal with getting a second surgery with the drains still in.

Both of my surgeons are wonderful people and incredibly competent doctors. Obviously, the quality of the nurses I had during my post-op from my hysto weren’t great. But I don’t blame my surgeon for that, nor do I think it shows any reflection on her level of care. I’m healing great and I feel pretty good, besides still feeling vaguely bloated and crampy still.

Please let me know if you have any questions! I’m happy to answer anything about the surgery, my recovery, etc. I know I’m in a relatively unique situation considering my top surgery and hysto were so close together.

[queertransjew-blog]

Thanks for sharing. What dosage of T are you on/how often do you take it?

i don’t really want to share, considering everyone’s dosage will differ depending on their individual body makeup and chemistry. if you have questions about dosage, you should consult your prescribing physician.

[queertransjew-blog]

5 days post-op periareolar top surgery with Dr. Bluebond-Langner at NYU

I’ll probably make a video when I get my drains out, but I wanted to share a picture with y’all in the meanwhile. 

Here’s what my chest looks like right now, 5 days post-op: 

I’m feeling pretty good! The drains should be coming out on Tuesday, and a lot of the swelling and fluid retention all over my body has gone down. My face was pretty puffy for the first few days after surgery, and my mom noticed enough to say something to me today about it. It could also have been the fact that I usually look a little puffy a day or two before I do my shot. I’ve still been taking extra-strength tylenol once or twice a day, but otherwise I never took any of the narcotics that were prescribed. 

Yesterday I had my first post-op appointment with the nurse practioner that works with my surgeon. She said my chest was looking really good. I was allowed to take out all the foam padding underneath the binder and just wear the binder. She also taped some gauze beneath where the drains come out to make them feel a little better. The drain on my left side really doesn’t bother me at all, but the drain on my right side hurts if I move a certain way. Also the feeling of the drains inside my chest is pretty weird. This morning I stretched my chest without thinking about it, and felt the drains start to move a litlte, and it felt...not good. But no damage done.

I was also told I could start to massage my chest with an unscented lotion, and to put ointment on my nipples. I think it’s Bactrim ointment? I don’t have any sensation in my nipples or in my chest -- it all feels pretty numb, unless I press on the drains (don’t do that). The NP said I may start to feel some sensation coming back in my chest over the next few weeks, and it could feel like static or little electric shocks, and not to worry, that it’s normal.

The most annoying thing about the drains are that they’re long and hard to hide. I haven’t wanted to go outside much because of them, but also because I can’t shower yet. It’s the middle of summer, and I don’t want to get all sweaty under the binder. I also get tired pretty easily, and I tend to push myself harder than I should, so the heat and drains keeping me inside and mostly on the couch or puttering around my house is probably a good thing.

I’ve also been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I have to sleep on my back, when I much prefer to sleep on my side. I might try some melatonin or CBD oil tonight to help. 

I’m really, really happy with how my chest looks, and I know that when everything settles and I can go back to the gym and start working out again, it’ll look even better.