#ive come to the decision that i am sad and lonely

[petitelepus]

hello! i apologize in advance for writing so much

but i hope i can get a normal matchup for twisted wonderland! i go by she/they. i’m 21 and pansexual.

traits: ENTP 6w7, leo, deadpan (i say jokes with like a straight face so people genuinely get shocked by me saying something unexpected), diligent (people have told me their first impression of me is that they think i am boring because i am somewhat of a teacher's pet), funny, perceptive (i am good at reading people and it's something that i'm proud of but also sometimes sad about. i can read when people are sad even if i haven't known them for long and it can either startle them or comfort them when i bring it to light.), thoughtful (i do things with others in mind), physically affectionate, 'sardonic and sarcastic' (my teacher's words, not mine.), creative (i have random bouts of energy that i use to make ideas. random things pop in my head every now and then and my friends whom i share them with think they are very odd but they expect it from me), eager to learn (i like to challenge myself intellectually so i come off as nerdy), "mature" (i don't like saying this because my definition of mature is probably miles different and some people would say my humor is immature but ive had people tell me that in serious situations, i show a lot of maturity), tomboy, empathetic

i have a lot of hobbies, but i get so bored i drop them every now and then– my only consistent hobbies are probably sketching, gaming, writing, running, and editing, but i also recently picked up needle felting. i like wearing and having cute things but my personality in general is very stereotypically 'masculine' so i hang out with more dudes than girls.

favorite things: psychology, typology, games, animanga, rice, heavy rock/metal

dislikes: wasabi (or anything that has a strong flavor), inconsiderate people

I match you with Malleus Draconia!

You're clever and independent, and as a Scarabia's student you can be cunning but most of all you are diligent. You take time to make decisions and in the end, it pays off well for you.

Now, you and Malleus aren't that different, which is why you two are well-suited for each other. You're both deadpan, not letting your emotions show outside, but like you said, you can read people like open books and this is how you saw how lonely Malleus really was despite his royal status.

You're a kind one, eager to get to know Malleus better, and while your friendliness may be a little weird to him at first, in the end, he appreciates that you are willing to try and get to know him. Most people fear him and he is so used to it that he never expects kindness from others.

But you weren't just another human, but a thoughtful and affectionate one. You're willing to put aside all the rumors you may have heard of him and try to start anew with him. An act that warms Malleus' heart and encourages him to open up to you.

You take your friends' comfort seriously and this includes the Fae. May God help those who talk bad about Malleus while you are at earshot because if you hear someone talking about anything that can even be considered mean, you will go and defend your friend fiercely.

You don't need to do so, Malleus is already used to people talking, but you insist that he doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Words that echoed in his mind and how cute you- Wait, cute?

As you are eager to learn, Malleus is more than happy to share his interests with you, and that includes his love for gargoyles. He may be showing you the magnificent stone statues when you suddenly look at him and smile.

"You could say these guys were the original… Rock musicians?"

You start giggling and laughing at your own joke and while Malleus may not understand it at first, your smile is all he needs to feel joy.

"Child of man, your humor amuses me and keeps me entertained but it's your smile that I treasure most."

Dayem, when did he become that smooth!?

As you are physically affectionate, and while Malleus is a little awkward, he happily accepts your affection and tries his best to return it to you because he understands that it means a lot to you.

Malleus is new to technology of any kind so when you introduce him to video games, he is in awe.

He has this naive and childish wonder in him as he watches you play and if you try to teach him, he takes a lot of glances at you, trying to see if he is playing right. You're a good teacher, patient, and kind, so even if he fails he has fun with you there by his side.

[lilrainclouds]

this is the app for me to be mentally unstable, delusional, and completely unhinged. remember that. not that anyone will read this but it should be said.

anyway im so sad. like incredibly. the friends i have who i love dearly are actually making me feel insane. my identity isn’t my identity because there’s loopholes and certain stipulations i don’t check the box for.

‘are you identifying as you are because you can’t decide? i know you don’t like making decisions’

that’s not the same fucking thing but now i feel insecure about my choices. everything i thought i knew has now come into question and i hate that. my identity is mine and i can choose to identify how i please, supposedly, as now im letting them convince me otherwise.

another thing. everyone is lying and everyone is faking it. i hate having this mentality but everyone leaves too so like what else should i think. i thought i grew out my my ‘feeling like a stepping stone’ phase but i guess not.

somewhere along the way i do know that i am the problem. i dont stick up for myself. i dont take charge in certain situations. i dont have the confidence to fake it till i make it in a lot of situations unless im pretending to be happy. i can fake happy all day long. bottling up emotions is the one thing im good at. well…sometimes. my neighbor actually told me how interesting it is to see me just in good moods but she knows im hurting. she doesn’t know everything but she knows about her. my delusion. whatever.

im going to circle back to being the problem. i have a lot to do for growth to be the best version of myself. by no means did i assume i was done and okay that’s not how the world works. however i can see now im a lot farther away from being a better me. maybe im too hard on myself but i dont think so. if i actually spoke my truth instead of worrying about what people thought or being scared of coming on too strong maybe, just maybe, life would be a little different. i dont know. putting that feeling into words is hard for me.

maybe im a bad person. i just might be a bad person.

i cried on my way to work this morning. ive never felt lonelier. maybe its just my cross to bear. being lonely.

[gently-decaying-flowers]

some super incomprehensible rant under the cut lmfao

generally speaking my home life caused me to grow up too fast

i see everything- every decision- only in how it will impact my adult life. i’ve never “relished” in being a kid.

there’s so many other factors like neurodivergency, figuring out sexuality yadda yadda that affect how i think

i was talking with my friend late last night about how it’s hard to determine what a relationship is supposed to be and i was mostly speaking on the difference between romantic and sexual attraction from the view of an asexual person. how in all medias romantic attraction is tied to wanting sex with someone and i grew up thinking that’s was love was

and now i’m like- what even is romantic attraction? i need to come to terms with the fact that i will never experience attraction the way “normal” people do. i so badly want a relationship but it’s hard when i don’t even know what that means, and when i think about it i just get stressed and any feelings i thought i had just disappear

maybe they weren’t real in the first place then

on top of that, i can’t get crushes for so many other reasons

no one really knows me as charlie except for my few friends who i don’t go to school with anymore. that means no one at my school knows me- so if i even think i have a crush on anyone i realize there’s no way it would work and i just get sad

and on the topic that started this- growing up too fast. i can’t acknowledge that i have feelings for someone unless i can envision my future with them. because what’s the point? wasting time and energy if it won’t impact my life forever?

and no one else my age things like that- so no one else would even care about the relationship as much as i do. i learned that the hard way.

it just feels really lonely. i have friends who understand- i mean ive met the friends who im going to have for the rest of my life so i dont have to worry about dying along obviously. but its hard feeling and knowing i want something that’s going to be impossible for me until i become an adult, lean into who i am, and find a person who feels the same way i do.

[another-trans-puppygirl]

I have been out for 4 years and never gave myself the space to express myself properly so i am making it for myself today

(first vent post so apologies for messiness lol)

tw// r*pe, transphobia, parental trauma, not sure what else but idk its heavy for me so just heads up

since i came out my life has changed insurmountably and it has all been terribly overwhelming. ive never really been one to use social media aside from horrifically embarrassing teenage shitposting, so ive just sort of let it all mount up and carried it around. i have a couple of transmasc house mates who i am terribly grateful for and consider them to be family but it has ultimately been terribly lonely not being aroud or talking to other transfems.

i will almost definitely talk about it in more detail on here at some point, but to keep things simple for now, i had very little control over how i came out to my family. it just sort of got revealed to my mum who insisted that my dad and brother (who didn't live with me, messy divorce) would never accept me and otherwise she was very unreactive initially. she feigned support whilst keeping it a secret from everyone in our immediate family but told lots of her friends for about 3 months but had expressed very negative views of trans women before so it felt very false to me. in january 2021 she decided she didnt support my "decision", as well as shouting at me for not telling her i had been r*ped and blamed everything on my dad. i didnt feel safe in her house anymore, so even though it was the middle of a covid-19 lockdown in the uk i had to take all of my belongings with me across almost the whole of england to get myself back to my uni campus. it was easily the worst day of my life and the hardest thing i ever had to do and i havent spoken to her since. i broke my collar bone as a young teenager and carrying all my stuff like that has made it hurt all the time, and i find it so hard not to think about it all whenever the pain is really bad. i was at university for animation, something i had always wanted to do my entire life. i could not bring myself to go to classes for the entire year so i deferred to the next. then i still couldnt bring myself to come in for most of the year. for some reason they didnt kick me out despite my attendance so i tried again the second year, and it went better but i was still really disappointed in myself. in my third year, things got complicated. i started to try really hard and believe i might be getting somewhere. i was the only person in my whole course that was doing traditional animation, my course was advertised as supporting traditional animation but i was not given a tutor so i was totally alone to try and fit my assignments to my limited skillset and resources. i had some ideas for projects i was really passionate about and started to develop and then it happened again and i got overwhelmed and decided i really couldnt do it anymore so i stopped going entirely. during this time i have also wrestled with the fact that i knew deep down that i am a lesbian. recently i have given up fighting it and have accepted that i am a lesbian, i think being on estrogen for one month as of today has played a big part in that, as it has rekindled my emotions and i just cannot fight that feeling anymore. but it has also brought on a terrible loneliness that i think i was suppressing beforehand too, and it has just made me feel incredibly lost. i am really happy somewhere in there about it, but it is overshadowed by a terrible sadness that i have let myself hide away this whole time. it has filled my heart to the brim with love and i feel like i have nowhere to put it and i just want to scream. i have been so scared to say any of this anywhere to anyone for fear of burdening people but i cant keep it inside anymore so i want to shout about it here because i have nowhere else to do it. so if youre reading this i am sorry for taking your time, just know it means the world that anyone even knows any of this and that bending your hypothetical ear will hopefully ease the load even if just for a moment.

[zalrb]

“So, what exactly is your plan because you know that this is killing her, right?” he said.

“Nothing, I’m just … I’ve stopped her from running into a burning building for you.”

“I’ve seen her jump into wells for you.”

“I---” Bonnie shook her head. “It’s not in Elena’s nature to stay away from you, Stefan.” 

THE FACT THATS SHES DONE SO MUCH FOR HIM! but if we tried to list everything elena has done for stefan wed be here for hours lol

ALSO jeremy standing up for elena is what ive always wanted to see in the show. or them standing up for each other, really. theyre so passive in the show, they feel like distant cousins who occasionally bond over their childhood or whatever, the way you write them they feel a lot more like siblings who genuinely care for each other

"Bonnie regarded him. “I know that,” she said, touching his arm. “I know this is just as hard for you and just as painful and just as lonely.” He looked at her to see something like understanding in her expression. “It’s even lonelier when you’re the one making the hard decision.”

as someone whos had to pull a stefan in the past, THIS HIT ME

also damon not honoring the pact he made with stefan and staying in town despite elena choosing stefan has me like

Damon sighed heavily and took his time speaking. “It had been suggested that I was sired to Katherine, I wanted to see if that was true.”

Stefan rushed forward and grabbed Damon by the shirt. “You mean you’ve had this information the entire time?”

the fact that i am not even A LITTLE suprised is very sad. this is so in character for damon. he ALWAYS does this. just like with the cure, he keeps things like this to himself for his own benefit. this man is a walking red flag

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Elena is in hell right now, Damon. And you have information that could potentially end it?” 

YUP. he does this constantly in the show. he constantly puts her in painful positions for his own sake. which is why i cant take damon seriously. like the more i think about it, the more i hate him. HE DOES NOT LOVE ELENA. he really reminds me of callies speech about love

Damon’s expression turned ugly. “Maybe I wanted her to be as miserable as I was for a little bit. Not my proudest moment.” 

“Look, I’m doing the right thing now, OK? Because as much as I want to, when it comes to Elena, I can’t be selfish with her.”

“That’s all you’ve ever been!” Stefan yelled in his face. “The fact that you don’t see that is…"

YES STEFAN!!!!! THANK FUCK. reading this is so cathartic. the show tried so hard to validate damons distorted view of himself via dialogue while completely disregarding his countless selfish actions, FINALLY HE GETS CALLED OUT ON IT. youre doing god's work zal

the fact that i am not even A LITTLE suprised is very sad. this is so in character for damon. he ALWAYS does this. just like with the cure, he keeps things like this to himself for his own benefit. this man is a walking red flag

exactly! so when anon was like 'you butchered him' i was like, i mean ... did i?

ALSO jeremy standing up for elena is what ive always wanted to see in the show. or them standing up for each other, really. theyre so passive in the show, they feel like distant cousins who occasionally bond over their childhood or whatever, the way you write them they feel a lot more like siblings who genuinely care for each other

yeah, i was halfway through it and was giving bonnie a gentler version of this but then decided to go back and make it jeremy to utilize it more but also because it would make more sense for him to be the one like i know you're doing the right thing but are you actually doing the right thing because caroline would understand after what she'd gone through with damon, bonnie would understand as the one who would make those calls, matt would be useless so it's jeremy.

[hydratedcognizance]

i take it back

can i really be upset? i mean yeah it sucks but is it something that ive done before? yeah

does that make it any better.. no because it puts me in a situation where i dont feel like i can even express whats going on

its put me in a perpetual cycle of giving myself away

losing myself

abandoning myself

its hard and painful to look at this shit, i jinxed it yesterday by saying shadow work is easy

but fuck

does it ever sneak up

and some really gross parts of ourselves are shown

its the feeling of just being in complete rage and anger that this is possible that this is reality

it connects the mind and reality/body to an accurate place setting and its not always nice to look at

it sucks

and it sucks because it is an ego death

it is the part of us that wants to believe these things and then the reality comes out

its a dark place of feeling like youre outstrectching from yourself and yet where the strength needs to reside is within

so while yearning externally the internals are the seeker and the consciousness witnessing is the strength

watching the body writhe in pain and suffering

but if we stayed in the dark, the suffering is much stronger

its a sick way to look at things

where pain is inevitable, pick your pain

id like to tpick the pain of truth so at least there is purpose to this suffering

this uncovering of truth within

it feels gross like i wanna throw up

thinking yesterday as well about how i live in my mind a lot, i have rarities where i truly live in the physical but the yearning to dive spiritually always pulls me in

i prefer the 5d

id rather not entertain the 3d and yet thats where everyone lives

shit thats where i am too

but id rather live in my head

its better up theere

way better than the shit that goes on here

everyones kind, you can trust everyone, they mean what they say - in my mind, everything works out

it seems spirit world is what im craving, to be able to trust my body like i can trust my mind

to warn and defend me if needed

theres sadness deep inside me and i know there’s externals causing the rise but i really feel like its old and its generational

the depth of the wound is so cutting that even the littlest nudge of energy towards it rises me up in flames

i am in protective mode

i dont want anyone in my life, and yet i crave connection

i dont trust a single soul on this earth, actual representation - except ster obviously

dogs are good

dogs are my friends, dogs dont lie, dont cheat, dont gossip or steal shit they are just ther to love you

yeah a lot of shame coming up around how i allow others to treat me and my boundaries as to what i accept as treatment

i have a big heart and it leads me astray a lot, believing people and living in my head not really looking into reality to see if they coincide

then you realize its too late

and youre already hooked, shits already going south it has from the start and you wonder wtf how did it end up here

so do we listen to our heads or our hearts

they are used in tandem

its lonely, i dont feel like a lot of people are real, i feel the ego and veil of shit and ulterior motives are really daunting when a real person is who i try to embody, authentic

i feel like im living in a fake world

kinda depressed today if you havent noticed, this will come around im sure… i hope

self abandonment for “love”

its a weird concept because love is sacrifice'

love is pain and love is deep

love will rip you to shreds and spit you out

love will also hold you and bring a warmth that is undeniably love

love is pure and love is kind

i have no idea wtf kinda love is on the agenda these days but its just yuck

cant trust what anyone says, everyones emotionally overloaded and wonky and untrusting

its fucked

but yeah, its a 2 ways street. things end and we all have free will

we can make the right decisions or we can make poor choices and this is fact

but this is also illusory where whos to say that your right is the same as their right

how can you trust someone when they tell you straight to your face all this shit and then go against it

how can you trust someone that manipulates and tries to get their way by going the easy way around and avoiding the truth

and yet we still love

we still believe

like its so cute to think about humans just being this bleeding heart for love

and yet its pain

its tears and screaming and an inner turmoil that burns like hell

its fuck you and why did you do that

its i promise ill never do it again and next time you turn around there at it again

its fucked

and yet we still love

or atleast my mind will go to that

completely abandoning myself

my feelings towards the situation because i understand that someone else can make a mistake

martyr energy

its walk all over me so i can show you youre loveable

meanwhile i hate myself

its fucked

these programs and how evolution works

im proud and happy to be here at this time to help, but it aint a happy process

it sucks

it sucks the life outta you

but i guess thats where things come full circle

because that life was never meant to be yours to begin with

its whole pain andlove thing i understand

but i understand it from my wounds

that this is what ive been taught is that dont fall in love because itll lead to pain

itll lead to this reckonng heart ache that feels lethal

my grammy ive been looking into more and more and her birth chart is pretty interesting

she has a 12th house stellium in most asteroids and throughout her chart, sun 12th house

she had 2 major open heart surgeries and triple bypass surgeries for her heart

she was born with a heart mur mur

whatever that means

back in 1932 lol

and she loved my grampy, she also found out he lied the day they got married when they were signing the marriage certificate that he had lied to her about his age - 10 years difference lol….

but she went through a lot of pain

and her mum my greata grandma when she immigrated to canada she travelled across europe with my great granddad and they lost they’re entire family, watched their parents die, siblings and were in complete distress.. they amde it to canada just them 2 and their daughter nelly

so i look back and feel like yeah this does suck and i can see where the loss comes from

this deep emptiness inside me and this feeling of hopelessness where i dont even wanna think about myself, i wanna focus on someone else so i dont have to feel the pain

but yet when im in that position all i ever feel is loss because im over flowing their cup, i get angry when my cup is empty, then they fill it a bit and i continue filling theirs

like its a cycle of shit

and i feel like what im really focused on right now is focusing on myself

it is so easy for me to look at everyone else and say oh yeah this is what youre dealing with, change this, do this

and for me its difficult to look at myself

so we get put in positions that forces us to see through the veil into the reality of who we are

see the reality of what were working through, dealing with - so that we can move forwards

616

16

i’m healing, its uncomfortable, the loss through this year has been huge

a lot to say goodbye to

a lot of pain to tend to

a lot of lies to uncover

but one things for sure is i am walking away from self abandonment, been crying, screaming and punching my bed lots, screaming fuck you at the top of my lungs to the abyss of a field, ster wondering wtf is going on

but i know where im going, and it is peacceful and im making friends with these demons that hold me hostage just because im not paying them attention

alright ill fucken pay attention to reality…

itll probably work out better for me in the long run

i know it will.

stay strong, know your worth, and dont settle for anything less ♥

xx

[kreuiza]

yeah i know you’re here but i need to vent without bothering anyone

this still sucks like it still hurts letting it be and being honest and having to say i’m not coming back but it’s the truth ive just became so over it recently

like i wanted it to work i did but i just don’t see the point of it anymore simply just is what happened and there’s no changing that and i can try to change someone and you will change for those you love but that change shouldn’t come with the awareness of it

it’d just causally happen i changed for him and i didn’t even peep it but he couldn’t and would constantly tell me he wouldn’t change for me

but who am i to even ask that from him i didn’t go out with him with the intention of changing him

but i also should’ve realize that that isn’t what i wanted or needed in my life and in no way does that make him a bad person or a bad relationship we just simply didn’t know if we were compatible and we tried it and we weren’t

i don’t regret it at all i may have lost my best friend but in the end it is better than watching him fall in love with someone else in front of me knowing how i felt about him

i love him i truly always will but im just not in love anymore it’s so easy to fall back in love when i see him and to want to hold his hand or kiss him but those are all just memories now

he is gone and i am gone no bad blood no good blood either just no blood

we are just out of each others lives and i will always wish him good but it won’t be to the same extent it will just be to the extent i wish any human being good luck

i feel okay i don’t feel like sobbing every day and it’s getting easier to accept the reality of the situation

he wasn’t ready and he had unfinished things to work through and i simply saw it before he did and told him about it but he wasn’t ready to accept it and inevitably it lost me

i would like to say i was supposed to work on myself this year as well and now the year is almost over and i have not grown as much as i wanted for focusing on someone else above me i had so many plans i put off for it which is not okay and until i know how to manage that and manage myself i should not try to add someone in addition to my life

in honest words i do not want someone else or am looking for someone else i just simply can’t stay in a position where im starting to feel like an option and not a need

and the words that were coming out of his mouth even not meaning to sounded manipulative in the aspect of he said if i were to leave he wouldn’t come back

which i took as a “if you leave don’t come back” because of the fact of him telling me if i left he wouldn’t chase me anymore meaning if i chased him he would reject me in that same way which is fine that he would reject me that’s not the issue but it’s the ultimatum of you leave and it’s over or at least what it felt like

and i have fought for enough people to stay in my life family to stay friends lovers to know that it doesn’t matter

fighting doesn’t mean anything i made my decision i am leaving it in the past and moving forward with my life and it feels sad and lonely at times but i felt lonely with him there too

i no longer had an instant teammate who was with me against it all he is simply just another person now

very bittersweet you see this person you used to love adore even and now they just turn to this person you don’t even know anymore

very sad losing people will never not suck i don’t care how many people ive lost this feeling will never be normal for me it always hurts

but i know ill live and ill be okay and its for the best at least as of now

i cannot tell you for a fact this is right but it is what feels right to me and i ought to listen to myself sometimes

i am not dumb nor stupid and me saying that about myself is dulling my actual thinking skills

i know what is right from wrong and i’m normalizing the fact that im wrong more often than right but i also never try to be right or try to put my word above others for the soul fact of not knowing if im correct to them

and i may be wrong that is completely fine but ive been wrong so many times its hard to even trust myself and my decisions but if i know fully know that what im feeling is correct i am going to stand with it because i may not know facts but i have always been good with feelings and understanding them from things that i should’ve never have had to see or deal with but it made me the person i am and i should trust one of the only skills i do have

[theindo]

Long and deep inhale. I am deciding to go on a long rant/ramble/vent/whatever. Its all over the place. I dont know.

IM. I???? ?? I just??? So. Me and my dad had a conversation yes. God, I barely even have the energy to type this out. Anyways. another long conversation about how i should go out and do things. About how i say im gonna do stuff and then dont. Whatever. ""i dont know what to do" is the same thing youve said your whole life". Ok . Yeah . I guess so . And what do i do???? I?? Dont know????? I dont know where change begins. Do i want to change? I'll have to, eventually. I fantasize about having friends, and then i find every single way to get annoyed at any one who wants to talk to me in person. I have like, 0.5 people i enjoy talking to in real life. And like. 2 people i enjoy talking to online. Though i talk to way more. Why am i so selfish? Im not lonely anymore. I should be happy. But instead im just angry. Angry at everyone. Yes, i should go outside and i do want to, but how am i supposed to when being looked at enrages me or fills me with fear or dread. How do i do anything when im so damn scared and so damn tired. I dont wanna go to therapy. I dont think they'll help. I dont know if i want help. I want to be told what to do. I want specific and exact orders from someone i like or something. I dont. Think i want to BE. I dont wanna make decisions or make mistakes or get up or anything. I know thats what life is about. But maybe i dont want a life. I didnt ask to be here. But i cant just kill myself. Thats bad. And people will miss me. But nobody in person.. theyre all in the internet, and that makes me sad. Why cant i form bonds in person the way i do online? Im confused. I hate being looked at and i hate being percieved and i hate being noticed and i HATE being touched and i hate not being able to leave and i just. My internet friends say im full of love, but this is a lie. Im filled with fear and hatred and greed and envy. I hate BEING. when i was small, i would daydream about death. What was it like to die? I asked my mother when i was still allowed to be with her (i miss her), what the least painful way to die would be. I was around 6 or so. Maybe i was born this way. Maybe its all in my head. I dont care. I wanna disappear. I hate responsibilities, but i hate being useless. I cant even say what im thinking in these posts sometimes because i KNOW my thoughts are completely backwards. I SHOULDNT think this way. God, why am i so trapped in my own head? I want to do shit, i promise i do, but its like. Theres never the perfect conditions. Im waiting and im waiting and ive forgotten what im waiting for. "What makes you happy?" "What do you like to do?" You know what I like to do? I like to daydream about my hyperfixations and see things about them. Thats it. Thats the only thing i like to do. Its why i draw and its why i live. Im thinking there should be more, but what more is there? This is all i want to do!! Im fine about fishing and drawing and reading i guess. But like. I get distracted easily. I long for what truly makes me happy, but what truly makes me happy is such a temporary bliss that i know will fade and i know is stupid and i know is a waste of time. Nobody fucking cares about the thousands of scenarios i have stuck in my head about the same character each time. Maybe i need to grow up. Im being lazy, immature. I have all these responsibilities, missed texts and school work, and the mere thought of it exausts me. Nothing is enjoyable!!! I wanna sleep forever.

Saw tjis video. Thought it was relatable. Whayever. My head hurts. As always. I feel myself slipping sometimes. I think to myself "ill be fine tomorrow", but that tomorrow never comes. Its the same thing. Yelling at myself in my head. Stuck. I dont want this. I dont want help either. I dont want help because i never wanted to be fucked over in the first place. Cant we pretend its all normal? Cant we dream for a while longer. Why must i get up. I annoy everyone else to im sure, just as i annoy myself and just as everyone else annoys me. I fear death but i rot in my own living body. Im basically dead. Why did i have to be here. I want to exist in my memories and in my dreams. Why can't my mother hold me again. Its all unfair. I have so many questions, but every answer just brings more. Im tired. The purpose of life is to learn and discover and experience. But im tired of learning. Im tired of this complex game. Theres too much. Too much all the time. It hurts. My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My feet hurt. My eyes hurt. Fuck man everything hurts me and theres nothing i can do about it. I dont like this. I want to sleep. Whatever.

Its been years. Its been a long 6 years. Its been a long 14 years.

I asked my dad, since he didnt like my halloween costume idea, what HE thinks I WANT to be. He said "normal?". I had to clarify i meant for halloween. Why CANT i be normal. Why must i be weird and different. Not even on a societal level. Other people are different from me because IM different. Other people being different from me makes me not like them. I cant blame others for feeling the same way about me. I miss being friendly to everyone and grateful for every interaction and not being so filled with hate and anger. What do i do. I have to do something. I dont wanna get sent to a ward or something.

[bullshit-tqia]

how is stating that trans women are oppressed the same as saying you arent oppressed? at no point did i say that at all. exactly which of us is supposed to be "lobotomized" when you cant even read a simple statement of fact without thinking its supposed to mean something completely different that was not said anywhere at all? you are already so paranoid and bitter that the only way you can conceive of being told that other people who are not like you existing and facing their own set of systemic struggles as a personal attack, an accusation, an invalidation. there was nothing of the sort. you are tilting at windmills.

frankly, i was very kind and patient with you. i supported your decision to detransition and wished you well and gave you advice that i learned from my own personal experience with the garbage youre getting into, which i didnt have to, considering what a cruel and unpleasant person you seem to be. as much as youre becoming "like everyone else" by detransitioning, you might be surprised to find that most people do not really enjoy spending time with cruel and unpleasant bigots, even if they themselves have their own unexamined prejudices, because people tend to find cruel and unpleasant people to be poor company, and even moreso when all that cruelty and unpleasantness is directed at a minority group. most terfs post about how lonely and miserable theyve become, how few people want them around and how nobody loves them anymore. that is your potential fate, too-- undoubtedly moreso you than most, because again, you are a cruel and unpleasant person to begin with.

you should appreciate the fact that anyone at all is being kind and patient with you and is trying to help you, considering the way youre acting and the things youre saying. multiple people are coming into your askbox, not to judge you, but to express concern and offer advice, because we care and we want you to be happy. bigotry is not just bad for the people around you. bigotry is a parasite that eats away at you until there's nothing left except it. it turns you into a shell of a human being.

i know youre angry. i know the world sucks. i know being trans sucks, but what can you do? we are the way we are and, for the most part, all people are more the same than we are different, and no one is so different that they deserve the kind of hatred and cruelty you've subscribed to.

for the record, and because i know you'll translate my sincerity into some sort of violent attack that frames trans women as perfect angels, i don't think its right when some trans women attack transmascs the way they do. i especially fucking hate it when some trans women make rape threats and sexually harass afab people for being afab. there are plenty of extremely cruel and unpleasant trans women that i dont want to be around or listen to, so i dont. cruelty and unpleasantness are common human characteristics across all identities and ways of life. i am, however, happy to extend a helping hand to a cruel and unpleasant person in need (such as yourself.) that doesnt mean i have to like the person im trying to help. i don't like you at all, but i still want to help you.

im sure that you'll see my hand stretched out before you and interpret it as an incoming slap, but that is all in your head. that is how paranoia works. get help from a professional, seriously. get to the root of the problem. heal yourself. someday youll understand, i can only hope. or maybe youll kill yourself because none of this has made anything better. don't do that.

you're wrong about palestine. its very sad to see someone ardently support a genocide. i suppose it does follow, though; one bigotry begets another and another and another. ive seen terfs post articles in favor of racial segregation in sports on the basis that they were also in favor of gender segregation in sports. is that the person you want to be for the rest of your life?

🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸free palestine 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸

Ofc people like you are so annoying. “Your opinion means you are angry and bitter and hateful and paranoid.” It’s offensive and misogynistic. I can’t possibly have any sound, rational mind because I am an upset woman. It’s like your brain melts when confronted with analogies. But the fact you can’t understand principles themselves proves how retarded gender ideology is, how sexist it is too. You aren’t against sexism in principle.

Trans women are sooooo oppressed, people who misgender them because they have a different opinion on how sex & gender operate can be arrested for misgendering them in countries like Canada and England. That’s the epitome of oppression. This isn’t hyperbole. Someone misgendering anyone should be permitted per freedom of speech laws. To be against this is to be authoritarian in nature. To equate misgendering, which can be accidental, to something like Nazism is crazy.

This goes to show just how the trans movement is unlike any other social movement in history. If I was typing this across the border in Canada, the police would show up at my door. That’s fucking crazy. And people have been investigated for this shit, and now it’s creating more anger towards trans people in both countries. And good. They and you deserve it. It’s a rule of the minority.

This idea that I someway somehow was completely unlike all other trans people when my dysphoria was exactly like other trans people’s is baffling. It was so easy for me to get on testosterone because I am very masculine in the way that I act and think. My doctor took one look at my candor and was like “oh yeah, I can tell.” But that’s bullshit. My brain isn’t male, that shit doesn’t exist, it’s a sexist fairytale. Less white matter in male brains doesn’t correlate to anything, that hasn’t been proven to be the catalyst in gender dysphoria. There is no scientific basis for transition, and over half the community think the idea of “you need dysphoria to be trans” is bullshit. So why would society be at whim of your choices? Why should society agree with you purposely harming your body through exogenous hormones and surgeries?

That is the epitome of entitlement. People agreeing with you is not a human right. People using a certain word to address you, is not a human right. You are a sheltered, spoiled child if you think this.

Shut the fuck up with your fake therapy speak. It’s not genuine and you don’t care. You are trying desperately to make someone believe the same bullshit they were bullied into thinking when they were in middle school. But unlike you, I grew up. There is a swarm of lawsuits by detransitioners across the country that are going to end this practice whether you like it or not.

You’re so retarded you repeat the most elementary logical fallacies on this earth. “This one terf posts how lonely they are,” and every trans woman on twitter is a fucking incel. Now what? “Most people don’t like bigots,” most people don’t know anything about this issue to begin with, most people don’t like talking about politics. Now what?

“Someday you’ll understand, I can only hope, or maybe you’ll kill yourself.”

This is exactly the problem. How the fuck am I the crazy one when you’re fantasizing me killing myself because I have a different opinion??? This is pure revenge fantasy!! You’re fucking psychotic!

[jborra]

First Blog to myself

I write this to the air space since no one else is listening

Facing another tough day by myself it becomes hard to keep going after over 7 years of debilitating issues, misunderstood by medical community thus untreated, … living with cognitive confusion and executive dys functioning that hindered logic or reasoning to navigate out of the situation on my own. Physical pain that immobilized. Mental insecurity and dark sadness. Then the nightmare of anxiety on how to even carry on this way.

I feel left alone to rot away because of a society that does not understand my illnesses. Yep multiple issues, though I was mostly initially plagued by depression for most of my earlier life.

I lost a successful high paying 30 year career, even sadder that my coworkers were unaware or not interested in my absence. I spent much of my energies on my ex husband and raising a family with full time working while father of my children took a pass on any helpful responsibility. After 15 years of that day in and out is when the physical illness overtook what little strength I had left. Coming home to a stressful household was too much to bear, and I had to go through with divorce. I wanted separation from a toxic husband however I was shocked to realize my teen children did not want to see me for the next several years, with no known explanation.

I’m now Estranged from all of my siblings and both parents after they could not stop criticising me during my chronic health issues during the separation of my nuclear family . All I asked for and needed was Love and Caring… the kind of Support that would elevate me from the lowest depths of my life. They know I’m at my lowest, they know I lack social connection and my kids, lost job due to disability… they simply criticize me for most of it. They tell me they do not want to support me for the things I did/do to hurt myself, but here’s my glitch…I don’t know what I did wrong. I just tried doing what I thought was best, and sure I make mistakes. But I didn’t deliberately make decisions knowing my entire life energy was at risk.

Lonely depression, crippling anxiety, physical incapacitation, food that was harming me more than nourishing me… I became suicidal , on a recurring basis. It was torture and a living nightmare. But nothing would kill me… the illnesses only create unending suffering.

I had already been through therapists and rehabs unsuccessfully in previous decades for depression. More recently I even tried crisis hotline…but the conversation got stuck on assuring i wasn’t suicidal , instead of helping me process my current thoughts which are creating sadness and immobility. It was the loneliness going through it for 10 years that was the most hurtful…. My heart was broken … by everyone i knew that left me forsaken knowing I was suffering.

After finding miracle progress on physical pain and fatigue, and even some improvement with cognitive and memory, in the last couple months I am having more better days than I ve had in years. But it’s not stable. And diet issues are an ongoing obstacle to my physical energy, and potentially to my mental energy.

today I can’t get out of bed. Hello darkness my old friend. This hasn’t happened in weeks so It’s tough to be stuck here again. My thoughts go right into my isolation and lack of support and no way to get through this down period on my own. And I’m afraid my thoughts will continue to devolve without intervention. An ‘innocent’ check in by my mother the other day turned critical quickly, and so while previously handling an annoying listlessness I devolved into old pattern of suicidal thoughts , that no one cares about me and I have no way to survive this on my own. I cried so hard, I do it openly in my car now.

So I know I have to cut off my toxic family. But who’s left?

I ask a question Ive pondered many times before … where do I go to get through this? What do I do to get through this? I cannot even move my arms much to even type this post. Walking to see nature, crafting something to see possibilities, or any activity to distract is like moving a boulder off my chest to breath. I’m unable to manage it with my own wits. I feel broken to a shell.

[marisdisry]

Entry IV: 06.19.2024

Maybe I don't deserve therapy. I still cannot fathom even avoiding my cousin. I am lonely.

Being an only child truly rides you down the deepest depths of loneliness. At least I think so. I'm not all that close with my friends apart from one girl, and I don't try to engage myself with my other friends. While I can see that my upbringing is not naturally at fault, all of this is arguably self-inflicted by isolation, I was never even allowed to play with the children in my neighbourhood and grew up with my development guided by an iPad. If not for school and regular socializing, I would have never learned to speak to people.

I cried the other day from how lonely it felt to wake up by myself, do things by myself, and even sit by myself. I had to send the voice notes to my best friend and speak to my cousin just for assurance that we will see each other again - my older sister/cousin, not the touchy one.

My older friends told me that everything wasn't my fault. I am minimizing the trauma by saying things like "(this happened) but (this happened to make up for it/this was given so this has to be taken in return).

It is going to be a long while until I see them again. I still feel a pang of sadness at the thought. Being by myself all day without one single soul I agree with is torture. How I did it all my life before, I know will come, but right now, I keel over and sob like the immature child I have always been - I have always felt like.

On the other hand, I have started to become more active on EDtwt. Terrible decision, I know. But I would rather have a community I could at least relate to. My body has always been my biggest flaw. The most outstanding mistake I have ever seen walk this Earth. I stopped looking into the mirror long enough to notice what I disliked, and instead, I focused on the newly prominent features that were surfacing from the loss of weight.

I don't have good skin, good teeth, or even a good scent (or so my aunt told me). I would at least want to be shaped nicely. Dainty. Helpless. The true meaning of my existence is lost in the rolls of fat I so indulged in having. Customers would at least like a product they can appreciate in the shadows when the light reveals its true ugliness. Like a fleshlight. I'm not planning on becoming a prostitute yet, but I think you get what I mean.

It's difficult trying to find an older man willing to support an ugly, shameful cause like me. But I will try to keep looking. I do want that new phone.

To be honest, I want everything. I am greedy. Materialistic at best, a thief at worst.

But throughout everything, as I write this and dissect my thoughts and feelings, I still wonder - would things be better if I just killed myself? It's only a passive thought, I still have dreams and ambitions even when I'm not too keen on achieving them. A life of passion is romantic and I fantasize about being one of those young women who are burnt out by academic pressure but still achieve what is expected of them. They are broken and stressed, but they are still the best at their game. Meanwhile, I could barely muster up the motivation to so much as want to take the test I would need to improve my standing in life.

I cut and I starve and I am still the same loser with no self-respect who yearns for her cousin's touch.

Why can't I just be different? Why can't I change? Why do I have to feel this way out of everyone? Is it because I barely believe in God?

I want to be good. I want to succeed.

I want to die. This is all so exhausting.

[dhdhhehdndbdbd]

oh. just kind of realized that i didn't love like you i shouldve. looking back at those texts; i am everything to you; you are just a burden to me. thats a harsh way of saying it. but i didnt love you like you deserved.. get hurt so much you eventually turn into the red flag, i guess..

i dont blame myself for pursuing it at the beginning. i think i was so tired of being hurt, so tired of being the one led on, so tired of being the one to be crushed, so tired of being used and hurt. i wanted nothing to hurt me again.

so when i found you, i guess i went searching for someone i knew wouldn't hurt me. even if it meant i wasnt all the way in, even if it meant that i didnt reciprocate what i had to. i was tired of being the one hurt.

i hurt you.

i needed a reminder that someone could love me; that someone out there was good, and could be good to me. even if it meant that im now the one hurting others.

maybe it wasn't right of me. maybe i shouldnt have continued it... but i couldn't stop. i mean, it was only 3 months. i know you will be sad and i know it will hurt but at least i didnt take up more of your time. we didnt spend real money, we didn't make any real decisions for each other. we're not married, there's no kids, etc. there's still a lot of hope out there for us.

its not right to expect you to be sitting there whenever i want to call. just because im lonely and i miss you. its not right to you. of course id like to check up on you and see how you're doing but i also need to respect you. (although, ive made it clear to him that if he needs space, i will go away. i think for now hes okay with keeping contact because there's the chance we will get back together).

ive been thinking, maybe this is how cam felt? of course, its not really comparable, since he was selfish and treated me badly, but wanting to continue contact afterwards? yeah, he mustve lost feelings for me but still wanted me around. well, i will not repeat what you've done. hunter has the right to slam that door the moment he feels like it, as i did with you. slam the door and don't look back. leave me here - i am full of love for you, and i always will be, but i must find my own place as well. dont we both deserve to find the ones for us?

im not an evil person. im not a bad person. i think i was hurt and just wanted to try something. i felt love, full and ready, and i wanted to drown in it, because i felt like id been starved. i just went through shit, repeated cycles, self-sabotaged, self-harmed. i wasnt ready to date when we dated. did you heal me? i think in little ways, yes. your love distracted me from the pain and reminded me of what pure, unconditional love felt like. and that i was enough. that someone would stick around for me... why? im not sure why. you really liked me, i guess.

we might. we might go on a date in the fall. maybe he'll come over to my dorm and we'll finally cook and i'll show you my new room. maybe i'll see how it feels then.

but for now its the end. the end of this, the end of us.

ive loved you, hunter. maybe it was not as full and real as it should've, because you were all in for me. (so fast? really?). but even so it meant so much to me. it impacted me so deeply. your love reached an ache, and for a moment, things were quiet. but that moment dissipated as soon as it came, and id be back to questioning if i should be with you. you deserve someone who is as sure as you. i loved you but not enough. i wasnt in love. it was comfortable, it was nice, it was reliable.

hah, thats what you said the last time you saw me. "it was nice".

it was. i hope you heal and i hope you find where you belong one day.

[depresseddepot]

his name is bodie

[astrobei]

hi astro (hope thats ok if i call you that!) heard you wanted interactions 👁 just wanted to say i absolutely adore your fics and i can tell how much love and passion was put into each and every one of them. so my question for you is, whats your favorite fic to write? what exuded the most emotion for you and what you feel like is your magnus opus? this can be multiple answers because you deserve to be proud of a lot of your works since theyre all great! have a great time wherever you are 🎉

omg YELLING that is so cute 😭 yes ofc u can call me that !! that is soooo kind of u !! seriously idk smth abt this compliment just . is so personal to me bc i Do probably care more abt my fics than i should for someone who is a full time student w a job but i just Cannot help it,, anyways thank u sm that made me smile so big i’m hugging u so tight 🫂🫂 and ooohhgg boy ok never ask me my favorite Anything bc i will not shut up abt it ! for me i think my fav fics of mine to write would be either you can hear it in the silence or i might be hoping about this which are both so deeply personal to me and i probably projected more than is feasibly healthy in both of them,, oops! and ik u did not ask for an Analysis but u are going to get one anyway so settle down grab some popcorn here we gooo

ok so idk about Magnum Opus but . you can hear it in the silence is probably the most personal fic i have ever written and the closest to a magnum opus i’ll ever get bc 1. i relate so deeply to mike wheeler as is and this was kind of how i interpreted his struggle w his identity and coming into himself just as a teenager navigating that weird place between high school and college and figuring out your interests and who u are,, and 2. full disclosure bc we’re all Friends here i Did write this fic right after a long distance relationship ended earlier in the summer which definitely influenced my decision to write it in the first place and 3. idk! there were so many aspects of this fic that were just me projecting, like mike getting the older sister mentor figure he deserves (i love nancy but she is Not the greatest older sister ok) and learning to take his time w things when you feel like u dont have enough of it,, anyways i would say this fic is probably my Favorite ive written ! it’s rly hard for me to reread my works but this one ive read back a few times and i actually. enjoy it?

i might be hoping about this is also rly special to me because IDK i just want what they have in this fic so bad dsdfjsdfj like. tender intimacy w someone who knows u better than u know urself! never having to feel like a burden to someone who loves u because they r happy to take care of u even when u can’t do the same,, idk i just think will byers deserves everything good in the world, and i really liked exploring his relationship to illness/his past trauma in this fic, especially since it was my first time writing established relationship! i Did have to step away from my laptop multiple times while writing this to scream into my pillow (literally im not exaggerating guys) because it was just so soft! and i felt so Lonely! anyways this is also a very special fic to me ik im literally the one who wrote it but GODDAMN i made myself sad.

thank u so much for the kind message again! i know u literally did not Ask for this page long analysis of my own writing but i am nothing if not incapable of being succinct so. <3

[ladyofasoiaf]

Sweet blue flower on the wall = Death

There are many theories about how this vision foreshadows Daenerys’ doom/death.

A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness… mother of dragons, bride of fire…  

[ACOK; Daenerys IV]

I want to show that how some symbols in this vision are bad omens for Daenerys.

COLOR BLUE:

The merchant prince sat up sharply. “Pyat Pree has blue lips, and it is truly said that blue lips speak only lies. Heed the wisdom of one who loves you. Warlocks are bitter creatures who eat dust and drink of shadows. They will give you naught. They have naught to give.”  

[ACOK; Daenerys III]  

“Blue lips speak only lies, isn’t that what Xaro told you? Why do you care what the warlocks whispered? All they wanted was to suck the life from you, you know that now.”  

[ACOK; Daenerys V] 

 “Not all your enemies are in the Yellow City. Beware men with cold hearts and blue lips. You had not been gone from Qarth a fortnight when Pyat Pree set out with three of his fellow warlocks, to seek for you in Pentos.”  

[ADWD; Daenerys III] 

  THE WALL (WHICH IS A WALL OF ICE):

The next morning she woke stiff and sore and aching, with ants crawling on her arms and legs and face. When she realized what they were, she kicked aside the stalks of dry brown grass that had served as her bed and blanket and struggled to her feet. She had bites all over her, little red bumps, itchy and inflamed. Where did all the ants come from? Dany brushed them from her arms and legs and belly. She ran a hand across her stubbly scalp where her hair had burned away, and felt more ants on her head, and one crawling down the back of her neck. She knocked them off and crushed them under her bare feet. There were so many…

It turned out that their anthill was on the other side of her wall. She wondered how the ants had managed to climb over it and find her. To them these tumbledown stones must loom as huge as the Wall of Westeros. The biggest wall in all the world, her brother Viserys used to say, as proud as if he’d built it himself.  

[ADWD; Daenerys X]

SWEET SMELL:

“Sweet smells are sometimes used to cover foul ones.”  

[ACOK; Daenerys II]

A foul, sweet smell rose from the wound, so thick it almost choked her.  

[AGOT; Daenerys VIII]

While I was looking at the last example with sweet smell, I realized that this is the chapter that Drogo falls ill. And I started to read it for further clues…

And I’ve found this:

When they were alone, Ser Jorah drew his dagger. Deftly, with a delicacy surprising in such a big man, he began to scrape away the black leaves and dried blue mud from Drogo’s chest. The plaster had caked hard as the mud walls of the Lamb Men, and like those walls it cracked easily. Ser Jorah broke the dry mud with his knife, pried thechunks from the flesh, peeled off the leaves one by one. A foul, sweet smell rose from the wound, so thick it almost choked her. The leaves were crusted with blood and pus, Drogo’s breast black and glistening with corruption.

“No," Dany whispered as tears ran down her cheeks. "No, please, gods hear me, no.”

[AGOT; Daenerys VIII]

LET’S LOOK:

Blue wall of mud

It cracks and leaves chunks on Drogo’s body

A sweet smell rose from his wound which chokes Daenerys.

In this list of Jon x Sansa book hints , I try to tell (with the help of other metas in the fandom) that this vision is about Jon and Sansa being Daenerys’ doom.

(You can check: B4 & B5 for this theory)

BECAUSE THESE IMAGES ARE LINKED WITH JON AND SANSA TOO.

The flower in the Dany’s vision is blue so fans believe that this flower is a blue winter rose.

Therefore this vision might be about Lyanna’s boy Jon who is at the Wall.

But winter roses and (roses especially) are linked with Sansa too.

[*Roses and Sansa is examined here in this Lyanna//Sansa meta]

SANSA IS THE BLUE FLOWER THAT BLOOMED FROM THE NORTH.

Ygritte tells about the song of:

Bael the Bard and the Winterfell’s Blue Rose in ACOK; Jon VI

In the story the blue roses of Winterfell just bloom

and they represent a love between

King Beyond the Wall and Winterfell’s maiden heir

Next chapter is Sansa (ACOK; Sansa IV)

and she flowers for the first time,

next chapter is Jon again. (Jon-Sansa-Jon)

Also both Jon and Sansa have these other symbols as well in their stories; such as Wall and sweet smells:

SANSA’S COURTESY (ARMOR) IS WALL

He had always had a yen to see the Titan of Braavos. Perhaps that would please Sansa. Gently, he spoke of Braavos, and met a wall of sullen courtesy as icy and unyielding as the Wall he had walked once in the north.  

[ASOS; Tyrion VIII]

Sansa should take it off only for her husband

“Courtesy is a lady’s armor,” Sansa said. Her septa had always told her that.

“I am your husband. You can take off your armor now.”

[ASOS; Sansa III]

But the Wall belongs to Jon

The Wall is mine, Jon reminded himself whenever he felt his strength flagging.  

[ASOS; Jon VIII]

The Wall is mine, he reminded himself.  

[ASOS; Jon IX]

The Wall was his, the night was dark, and he had a king to face.  

[ASOS; Jon XII]

Never. “I cannot speak to what my father might have done. I took an oath, Your Grace. The Wall is mine.”  

[ADWD; Jon I]

The Wall is mine, and the Watch as well. The Night’s Watch takes no part.

[ADWD; Jon II]

I should be walking the ice. The Wall is mine.  

[ADWD; Jon III]

The Wall is mine, Jon reminded himself as the winchmen were swinging in the cage, for two more days, at least.  

[ADWD; Jon XI]

“I must do as I think best. With respect, Your Grace, the Wall is mine,and so is this decision.”  

[ADWD; Jon XIII]

SANSA IS SWEET SMELLING

Sansa Stark, he mused. Soft-spoken sweet-smelling Sansa, who loved silks, songs, chivalry and tall gallant knights with handsome faces.  

[ASOS; Tyrion III]

She brought a dozen of the queen’s favorite scents as well. Sansa chose a sharp sweet fragrance with a hint of lemon in it under the smell of flowers. The maid dabbed some on her finger and touched Sansa behind each ear, and under her chin, and then lightly on her nipples.  

[ASOS; Sansa III]

IN CONCLUSION:

Sansa is the SWEET-SMELLING BLUE ROSE and she is armored with icy WALL of courtesy and that Wall belongs to Jon. (Jon is Sansa’s armor)

SO:

The symbols in Dany’s visions are bad omen for her.

These symbols are: Blue, Wall, Sweetness

We see these words when Dany tells us Drogo’s falling ill and later he dies…

What about the FLOWER? Where is the flower in that Drogo chapter?

We said that the flower in the vision is most likely a ROSE. 

(And I showed how blue roses are linked with Jon and Sansa.)

But @kellyvela​ @butterflies-dragons​ pointed out the greatest word play in that Drogo chapter:

A foul, sweet smell ROSE from the wound, so thick it almost choked her.

Grrm really said: PUN INTENDED!!

SWEET (SMELL) ROSE CHOKED HER…

I think it is obvious that Drogo’s death and that vision is linked.

But also look at this:

A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness… mother of dragons, bride of fire…  

When did she become mother of dragons and bride of fire?

During: Drogo’s funeral pyre!!

(Please read this meta: Daenerys: Mother of Dragons, Bride of Fire )

She had sensed the truth of it long ago, Dany thought as she took a step closer to the conflagration, but the brazier had not been hot enough. The flames writhed before her like the women who had danced at her wedding, whirling and singing and spinning their yellow and orange and crimson veils, fearsome to behold, yet lovely, so lovely, alive with heat. Dany opened her arms to them, her skin flushed and glowing. This is a wedding, too, she thought.

[…]

And now the flames reached her Drogo, and now they were all around him. His clothing took fire, and for an instant the khal was clad in wisps of floating orange silk and tendrils of curling smoke, grey and greasy. Dany’s lips parted and she found herself holding her breath. Part of herwanted to go to him as Ser Jorah had feared, to rush into the flames to beg for his forgiveness and take him inside her one last time, the fire melting the flesh from their bones until they were as one, forever.

[…]

Now, she thought, now, and for an instant she glimpsed Khal Drogobefore her, mounted on his smoky stallion, a flaming lash in his hand. He smiled, and the whip snaked down at the pyre, hissing.

[…]

A rising heat puffed at her face, soft and sudden as a lover’s breath…

[…]

I am Daenerys Stormborn, daughter of dragons, bride of dragons, mother of dragons, don’t you see? Don’t you SEE? With a belch of flame and smoke that reached thirty feet into the sky, the pyre collapsed and came down around her. Unafraid, Dany stepped forward into the firestorm, calling to her children.

The third crack was as loud and sharp as the breaking of the world.

[AGOT; Daenerys X]

IN SUMMARY:

The symbols in HOU vision are similar with the words that Daenerys uses while describing Drogo’s illness. Drogo dies and Dany starts a funeral pyre.

Blue, Wall, sweet, flower (rose) symbols are present in these both chapters (AGOT; Daenerys VIII & ACOK; Daenerys IV)

Even the words “mother of dragons and bride of fire” point out Drogo’s funeral pyre where she became MOD & BOF.

We can assume that this vision hints something really bad for Daenerys (death?)

These symbols also surround Jon and Sansa… and Dany is still waiting for the betrayal for love.

three treasons will you know… once for blood and once for gold and once for love…

Dany thinks about her promised betrayals in her last ADWD chapter and look what happens: (*For Jon vs Daenerys meta you can read this!)

Yet who else could it have been? Reznak, her perfumed seneschal? The Yunkai’i? The Sons of the Harpy? Off in the distance, a wolf howled. The sound made her feel sad and lonely, but no less hungry. As the moon rose above the grasslands, Dany slipped at last into a restless sleep.

[ADWD; Daenerys X]

Jon and Sansa are two wolves… and Dany slips into a sleep..

AND

Let’s not forget that Drogo will return to Daenerys only in death. So it makes sense that hinting Daenerys’ death with Drogo’s… (she kills him in this chapter… kills him for love)

“When will he be as he was?” Dany demanded.

“When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” said Mirri Maz Duur. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When your womb quickens again, and you bear a living child.Then he will return, and not before.”

[…]

And when the bleak dawn broke over an empty horizon, Dany knew that he was truly lost to her. “When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” she said sadly. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When my womb quickens again, and I bear a living child. Then you will return, my sun-and-stars, and not before.”

Never, the darkness cried, never never never.

[…]

If I look back I am lost. It hurt even to walk, and she wanted to sleep, to sleep and not to dream. She knelt, kissed Drogo on the lips, and pressed the cushion down across his face.

[AGOT; Daenerys IX]

SHOW BONUS:

In this post this vision is discussed also in show verse and it makes great points. I also want to point out that how Dany reunites with Drogo AFTER she passes the throne room with BLUE FLOWER (Sansa) and the WALL (Jon).

Because in my meta I examine how blue, rose, wall and sweetness are linked with Jon/Sansa AND Drogo’s death…

And how it is probably hinting Dany’s own death because it means reuniting with Drogo and Rhaego …

And when the bleak dawn broke over an empty horizon, Dany knew that he was truly lost to her. “When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” she said sadly. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When my womb quickens again, and I bear a living child. Then you will return, my sun-and-stars, and not before.”

Never, the darkness cried, never never never.

[AGOT; Daenerys IX]

She passes the BLUE FLOWER (?) ON THE WALL:

She passes through the WALL OF ICE:

She reaches END OF THE WORLD:

She REUNITES with Drogo and Rhaego:

Then you will return, my sun-and-stars, and not before.”

Never, the darkness cried, never never never.

[AGOT; Daenerys IX]

[lizparkcr]

ok so im trying to avoid having emotions about the shitshow that is the local elections so i dont yknow breakdown and ive been meaning to make a post for ages abt muriel’s route i have so many thoughts. obvious spoilers ahead not that i have more than like 2 followers who play arcana game

firstly....i was kinda underwhelmed with the second half/ending of his route. disclaimer i haven’t replayed it and haven’t got the reversed ending, only upright, and my memory sucks and i played it a while ago. SO, things that I....don’t understand:

1. SUCH a massive deal is made out of muriel (and MC) having to learn to fight, the plot literally hinges on it, only for it to swing off the plot all together into oblivion and for the final showdown to be....a series of literal games.* And I wouldn’t disagree with this as an ending tbh!!!! I think it’s fucking great actually -- a non-violent resolution to further signify Muriel’s journey from violence and isolation to peace and fun and family, and tbh sort of a massive fuck you to lucio; LITERALLY RETURNING to the coliseum only to BEAT Lucio WITHOUT returning to the violence that lucio forced on him, turning it into a place of actual joy. Like fuck!!  BUT with the whole first part it just doesn’t fucking fit lmao? Muriel could have faced his demons in the beginning without learning to fight at all, he still could have had that journey. Morga could have just traveled with them right? Or even better he could have refused to fight and then the ending would have been even better. We could have had a moment of Morga acknowledging their strength??? Acknowledging their non-violent victory WITH PRIDE??? Bringing her to reflect on her choices as a mother and a leader??? Devs why couldn’t we have had that :(  I may be remembering wrong but the apparent necessity of Morga teaching them to fight is the biggest source of tension for at least a book. It’s the reason for his first kiss with the MC!  Also yeah speaking of tension with Morga 

2. SUCH a big deal is made out of morga becoming/reflecting as (?) a mother figure to muriel (which in itself is a very bold way to go story-wise)....only for her to be killed off. Again, I don’t disagree with this decision, I like her but story-wise it could fit. But I can’t help feel like it was really premature. This is something I feel all routes suffer from, and perhaps I am expecting too much from a game that can be played for free very easily, but every single route has pacing problems, none more than Muriel’s imo. Considering the maternal aspect of Morga (for both her and Muriel!) is sooooo fucking loaded and intense like, you cannot drop that and then kill her and not really mention her for the rest of the story. Her “ghost” made an appearance sometime later and a few sentences were said and that was it. Her and Muriel’s past was so brushed over  and idk clearly they didn’t have the time or money or whatever to develop it which is a real shame. Their journeys could have run parallel or gone in opposite directions literally anything but Morga dying in a moment of weakness from a cheap trick by lucio :/ bc YEAH like that was not actually weakness but certainly what morga considers weakness!!! that mistake could have split her away from muriel+MC entirely OR brought them closer together. she could have been disgusted with herself and decided once and for all to let go of lucio as a son and go her own way to destroy him, or she could have woken up to what she can do differently now and work with Muriel and co and let go of lucio that way. idk man it was just a waste

Right then....onto the romance. or. lack of :( this is completely subjective, I know some people were v happy with it but like, this could not have been a drier route and im so fucking sad about it. There were definitely some sweet moments, but that was sort of it for me. I get what they were going for, but it’s personally sad to me that Muriel’s contentedness seems to have come at the expense of sensual intimacy/tension. like there was just absolutely no spice whatsoever. I saw someone describe the MC relationship as basically platonic and...yeah. Very little intimacy that wasn’t like, cuddling or holding hands, which since there wasn’t much to build on anyway just came across as nice but unexciting. It felt like it became too easy and too normal too quickly?  Naturally touch was such a precious and important thing in the beginning as Muriel was learning to trust, but that just did not get explored imo. The first kiss wasn’t...the worst, but it was sort of OOC to me. They could have got so deep with that first kiss -- the opportunity, the trust, the choice. “Happy accident” scenarios can be great and definitely could have worked for his story, but for the first kiss i was like oh ok we’re here now?? and..muriel’s ok with that considering we were just uhh sobbing about his forced servitude and violence?? idk how i haven’t mentioned it yet but the way the tone was all over the fucking shop in that book gave me serious whiplash. Anyway  it’s so disappointing bc c’monnnnn this whole relationship is brand new to BOTH mc and muriel.  At the start every touch is a small turning point and i think they did that so well, you feel excited at the development and where it will go, but then it’s like “ok well we’re together now so everything is easy and breezy”. you can create emotional tension (the good kind) through touch EVEN if they’re both ace. which the MC is not bc its the self insert character so. yeah. i feel like im probably being a bit harsh in retrospect but this is what has stuck with me. 

This leads me to Muriel himself, and what to me was the biggest opportunity to do blow everyone’s minds bc he was SUCH a mystery before his route. Dark and brooding but shy and caring, anti-social through anxiety and fear but lonely, his reluctant but consistent support of Asra and his friends. And that was all teased in the beginning! ....and then completely fell flat. Similar to my first point: they had some deep emotional development going, Muriel literally coming face to face with the past he never knew, and the past he wishes he could forget, learning to actually be around people, learning to trust people (and ngl i fucking loved the beginning stages with MC so much), and overcoming his anxiety and pessimism. He and MC literally travel together alone for weeks. WEEKS! And much of that is skipped by. We have big emotional scenes but not much in between. And then...and yknow im not sure where it changes...after khamgalai dies? (and dont get me started on that what the fuck was the point of THAT?) after MC goes to the arcane realms? I can’t remember but at some point it’s like...all tension is gone lmao. Including tension between MC and Muriel, and he becomes quite two dimensional. It was just rushed.  Vesuvia is in ruins, Nadia and co chased out of the palace, Lucio taking control etc but like...it doesn’t feel like it matters? Im really not saying that his route has to be all doom and gloom at all but don’t MAKE it doom and gloom and then do a 180 yknow? I remember Julian’s route in particular being so fucking tense, even though I knew I got the upright ending, that dinner scene was...phew. (and i do get that naturally the first 3 routes are bound to be a more exciting experience bc i was less familiar w the game etc but still, there was just 0 tension). 

im not even gonna talk about the MC’s past reveal bc i have issues with it in every route so whatever 

so yeah i love muriel and i still like the arcana but it’s writing and pacing is just so inconsistent and it makes me sad. I will continue to fanon Muriel’s route to death. 

*It’s occurred to me that the reversed ending may be more violent and actually fit with where the story seemed to be going in the start, but I stand by the opinion that it doesn’t matter because it still doesn’t make sense. I shouldn’t have to play the reverse ending to be like “oh ok that was the point of that” bc it should make sense and serve purpose in both endings, which i dont think it does.