#ive been wanting to do a full drawing for her for months now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

autisticempathydaemon · 2 months

Note

sorry if this is a lil long (￣□￣;)!!

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

there are a few albums (igor, damn., songs) ive been listening to on loop for a few weeks now, but if i were to narrow it down to one song it would be “forwards beckon rebound” by adrianne lenker ^_^. i liked it when i first listened to the album in full but then found out my boyfriend liked it, so i LOVE it now.

What is your Enneagram type?

INFP-T, 4w3

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

i LOVE them!! i really enjoy jacob geller’s video essays, specifically his video “how can we bear to throw anything away?”. i think its SUPER cool and very poetically justifies my hoarding. though for GARGANTUAN, i like flawed peacock’s 7 hour and 42 minute video on “who’s lila”, which i still havent finished.

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

when i was around 9 i used to be called “daffodil” when teased so i turned daffodil into my alter ego and spoke to her with pure hatred

What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

most of the time i scroll and scroll and scroll until im about to pass out from exhaustion, but when im NOT doing that, either put on music or a sleep aid audio n stare at my ceiling til i fall asleep.

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

im trans and have been out to my friends for around 3-4 years now, and i changed my name to my current one due to dissatisfaction with my previous name choice and my fixation on the character i named myself after.

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

ashers 2021 hbs. its so sweet and silly and full of love <3 i love asher and i love fluff :3

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

guy. hes alright but i just dont see the appeal character-wise. hes kind of just erik’s self-insert or low-effort character which is great for him but not that interesting for me.

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

book + movie: the perks of being a wallflower, and tv show: brooklyn 99. i was DEEPLY into tpobaw a few months ago and finished the book (with annotations) in 4 days. charlie kelmeckis is me!! as for b99, its my comfort show and i’ve rewatched it at least 6 times in full.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

caelum :3 i need to hug him asap!! need to bake with him!!

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

no specific topic, but ill start talking about how much i love something or someone. tired me is very loving. according to my best friend i talk a lot about my boyfriend when im sleepy.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

diet coke and ice cream ^_^

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

there are a few, but my top three are a playlist containing every alex g song i like, a playlist full of love songs of all different genres and artists, and a playlist i made in 2022 when i was into more obscure rock ^_^. but mostly i listen to adrianne lenker or kendrick lamar on shuffle.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

video essays talking about drake vs kendrick. i swear ive watched over a hundred videos related to that drama, mostly cause i love kendrick so much and have been a drake hater since 2015.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!

im a big lover of the arts!! both visual (i draw both traditionally and digitally, and have tried painting) and musical (big music fan + very amateur singer and guitarist). i really like movies, but i like movie analysis youtube videos more! in that same vein, i love horror media but am too scared most of the time to actually consume it, so i watch a lot of horror explanation or analysis videos.

im an extremely awkward person to talk to, like severely. also i like minecraft a lot, avid hermitcraft watcher.

Type Fours are so lovely, so internally complex and magnificent and creative despite and perhaps in conjunction with their introversion. I think a fellow introvert would especially appreciate that about you- Anton, specifically.

Another reason I like y’all together is this enneagram type (and MBTI) tends to be very feelings based, very pathos motivated, and that would contrast from Anton whose life and job are so technical, so logos-y. You bring so much light and verve into his life; whenever he sees art, he thinks of you and how it would make you feel. You make him think more about how he feels, you know? The art you create and the way you experience art, the way you enjoy things, makes him marvel.

And you do love to enjoy things with him, to show new things and movies and shows, because his marvel in turn makes things even more fun for you! Anton strikes me as the type of guy who knows nothing about pop culture if left alone, so you get to show him everything. He likes Brooklyn Nine Nine a lot more than he thought. (Terry is his favorite; he also likes yogurt and wants to be a girl dad.) He doesn’t give a single shit about the Kendrick/Drake beef but you’re so animated when you talk about it, he listens raptly. He doesn’t really enjoy horror, but it doesn’t scare him either so he’s a comforting presence whenever you decide to try watching some.

Song:

A volcano erupted/ And the stars fell one by one/ And finally I'm done right/ And it's a kite trapped in my mind/ But I don't mind/ I think of your hands on my body/ And they feel nice/ Just one more night

(Thank you again, Spotify Artist Radios, because I don’t listen to a lot of folk! This is a new song for me!) I chose this one for you and Anton because of the phrase “velvet kind of mood”, because it makes me think of how Anton’s love would tactile-y feel- warm, plush, heavy like a weighted blanket and just as comforting. The lyric “just one more night” also made me think of Anton holding onto you the night before he leaves, so I could not resist.

Runner-ups:

Geordi is the first runner-up that came to mind because he strikes me as the most… artistically inept of the redacted bois if you will- thus, he would feel the most awe and reverence and your prowess. Plus, I like to headcanon him as trans, and we love a t4t couple. Asher is my favorite runner up for you though, but I can’t quite word why. I think it’s something about his extrovert energy against yours.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

#redactedasmr #redactedverse #redacted asmr #redactedaudio #redacted audio #redacted #busybee matches

11 notes · View notes

kaleidosouls · 1 year

Text

SU reclaimed pearl rambles

im gonna use some annoying comments i got on my reclaimed pearl as a springboard for what i think could be interesting discussion because i think its good to engage with criticism/different opinions. but also if you talk to me like an asshole i want you to fuck off and i promised i wouldnt engage in that kind of stuff bc its not good for me and it doesnt Look good for me either.

so i can talk about my thoughts but not engage directly, win win. its been months but im still really fond of the pearl i made specially this art. like it coudl be better but i like it well enough. just a little header so this isnt a boring post with only text

i think like, its good to establish ground rules that like, i think most of the poor reactions ive seen towards my art were missing, mostly in bad faith probably but in case theres ppl who earnestly want to understand. actually maybe i can format it like a little FAQ even though theyre not frequent or asked lskdjg just for outlining my points. ill put it behind a cut but ill frontline w this: if youre a fan of pearl in the show, this content is not for you. youre allowed to like whatever you want and so am i. if you like her, we probably wont get along and you probably will feel very personally irritated by how i FEEL about her, so just walk away now. im not gonna engage with petty shit taht juts boils down to 'im mad you dont like what i like'

onwards to more rambling / sorta responding to some criticism

i scrolled back and i guess i sorta never have actually done a proper full explanation post about this AU have i? or maybe i have and deleted it, i forgor

why did you change pearl?

because i hate her, simple as. i went from a huge SU fan to hating watching it (i did finish) and pearl is probably The biggest reason why, as like issues with her character seep into other aspects of the show that i also hate. like i mean i Realyl hate her. she makes the experience of watching the show really irritating and miserable for me. if you dont feel taht way about her thats totally normal and whatever but no one is gonna change my experience and feelings that i had watching SU since the 1st season was coming out.; anyway answering. there is a Lot i love about SU and want to engage with, so i had the idea of like,maybe ill just change pearl, cause i wanted to delete her, really, but she is one of the main characters and she hasa function as a character that you cant just do away with. essentially im just like, some guy, who draws, coping and trying to reclaim his teenage investimetn in this show. literally its just for ME. but if anyone else feels like i do, then they can enjoy it too. if somoene doesnt feel like i do, go watch like pearl fancams or smth. like ill never be able to literlaly change the show as it is, like its happened, and its a tragedy im trying to move on from (begrudgingly)

why do you hate pearl?

the long laundry list of reasons are probably apparent in the ways i remade her lol (theyre not i can tell ppl are gonna project whatever worst bad faith reason for any change i make) but tbh the core of it is this, which is like, beyond whatever traits she has and whatever: she reminds me of my abusers. always had, from season 1, but like it became worse as the series went on. its like really infurating and upsetting to watch SU bc of her. had my abusers been a different kind of person, maybe i wouldnt hate her so much (kinda doubt tbh). like her personality and behavior are like hough disgosting!!

why did you change (some physical trait about her design)?

i dont really necessarily have a PROBLEM with canon pearls design. over the years ive come to like SU's style less and less but like, gestures, whatever. like i didnt like it or anything but its not like a bit deal compared to the actual offender that is her personality and behavior. the reason i redesigned her at all is bc like, if i hadnt, i would still be thinking about the way she is in canon all the time. like ive visually associated her like, appearance with all the shit about her thta makes me upset so i had to so she didnt look like the same person anymore, and i can try to let go of some of the hatred in my heart. like i want to think about the thigns about SU that i loved and also the potential i always saw in it and canon pearl is like, an active obstacle to that, to the point taht i cant even see her without getting like irked. i tried to keep enough similar traits so from a glance youd be like, who the fuck- is that pearl? rather than like. completely change her entirely to whatever i wanted. i do want to like, its a creative exercise. i want to try and change the things that would make me happy to see gone but try to work within the constraints of the SU we Did get as much as i can tolerate. bc like.... if the sky was the limit then at this poin wed just have to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch. like its kinda not really very salvageable, like im not rewirting SU to be like a Good show or fix Everything, its kinda too broken. im just chnaging enough so i can look at the actual show, screenshots, songs etc, and not feel overcome wtih like the grief and irriatation of how much it sucked ass. its just so i can enjoy more of it again

i dont like your redesign for (insert reason)

cool. thanks for your input. youre welcome! eat my asshole. seriously though, like, shrugs. i didnt make it for anyone other than myself. tbh im not fully satisfied with it either bc i think the SU style is kinda ugly, so im at a crossroads. should i mostly abandon the SU style? ive like, tested out tweaking things, it mightve been noticeable in screenshot redraws. drawing within the SU style is to create that coping 'oh it was totally like this haha' vibe but maybe im old enough to not need that anymore lol. like ive heard ppl say shit like shes ugly, or like sneakily trying to imply im like, got some agenda over beauty or racism etc. like whatever, think whatever you want, its not for you. go back to sucking up to rebecca or smth like i cant take the og pearl away from you still i am open for like that kind of criticism like, do i have personal biases affecting my design decisions? probably. i do try to keep aware of why im choosing certain things, but really in this case i cant emphasize enough how like, irritating it is that i have to change her design at all. like its hard to come up w smth else when the rest of the cast ahs already been design to balance off the og pearl. i probably wouldnt change almost anything if the sight of her didnt piss me the fuck off! most of all i kinda wouldve preferred to keep her hair short bc it messes up the sillouete but it makes me think too much of canon pearl so i made it long :/ i was like let me tell you my design thought process: -im gonna try to keep as many recognizable traits about her design while taking away bit by bit until she doesnt look like the og pearl to me anymore and i dont feel angry seeing her. pearl is lanky, tall, spindly, with a gem on the forehead, blue white pink yellow pastel colors, large pointed nose. i kinda tried to keep these traits while slightly tweaking their design until she looked different enough. is it a good design? eh idk. like the purpose is to make me not hate her and it does that job

now this hate comment im gonna grace with keeping it intact except removing the person bc its not about them. its like, a very stupid ass headed comment but im actually kind of interested in like,jumping off of it to ponder some things

im not heterosexual or cis enough to know what exactly wife bate means in this context so im gonna like guess, that maybe i could extract this q from that reply (also not looking like shes from steven universe is a compliment thanks)

you took away her personality and made her boring

the only thing i can assume is that like, some people must interpret the absence of an assholey personality or like abusive behavior is 'boring'. i know thats a really bad faith assumption but like, if ive written down a bunch of personality traits and you still come out saying thats 'no personality' what am i to make of that lol. based on my experience like Existing online, people tend to often call nice characters 'boring', like dude ive done it before, but i think im kinda over that edgy phase. also again, its for me and not for you so if you think shes boring, thanks for your input i dont care. but thinkign about it earnestly, i dfeintely dont want to make a character thats just no flaw and not interesting ofc, i havent done that with reclaimed pearl. that being said i havent like, probably written a lot demonstrating what i want her to be like instead of the canon pearl so, maybe ppl just are feeling lost with the lack of information.

personally, if i hear someone thinks a character is boring bc theyre not abusive anymore like, nothing of value has been lost. but characters do need flaws in order to create conflict and cause things to happen, like in a way canon pearl is like All flaw, which wouldnt be a problem except she gets away wtih all the horrible shit she did. heres some traits i want to explore with reclaimed pearl, some are similar to canon i just wanna go about it a different way: being overprotective/possessive to steven in a smothering way, projecting abandonment issues, not reaching out/communicating her emotions properly, lacking indepedence/self worth, depending on others to avoid confronting her own issues, being very passive and insecure and lacking initiative (this being the totally opposite trait that canon pearl has), stunting stevens development due to her not being ready for him to grow up and not need her anymore. and more, this is just from the top of my head. maybe thats still too 'boring' for ppl because shes not being selfish and inconsiderate enough to others so you can relate to her but i dont care :p

gosh how do i go about like, presenting the content i ahve in my head for this AU).. i cantjust remake the whole damn show. i would if i could, tbh

i have concerns about racist implications wrt (insert thing here about my redesign)

imma be frank. i dont know how to compltely 'clean up' any possible bad associations wrt pearl as a character given how like, rebecca has literally like, made her to be a slave in love with her slave owner and made it to be like, an uwu ideal lesbiab thing for most of the show until they tried to pretend no we understood the flaws in this dynamic all along and its bad actually , uhh, anyway shows over haha

ill say the main reason i changed her skintone is, bc that would be the like most instant way to make her look differnt from canon (which is vital for me for the reasons said above), and i did consider like, does this make the whole thing worse, or, ?? like, as they made it in the show, techincally All the gems are slaves to the diamonds, arent they? including all the very totally progressive poc based gems including and specially the ones who are made to be understood as black women. bruh like idk what to tell you this show is just fuckig bad sdlgkj like its just way too like, pervasive in my teen years forme to throw the baby w the bathwater entirely. and ill just straight up say it, like, im not a specialist on these topics nor do i hav ea position of authority to speak on about it. like the pearls read more clearly as slaves (very intentionally by the showrunners) bc they are meant to be subservient to gems Other than diamonds. and also bc they like fit in the stereotype of housemaid servant. like the rubies being made to just be forced to go and fight like they are slaves too, they have no rights and no like, authority to disobey or autonomy. but fsr like, slavery as in physical labor just doesnt immeidately set off ppls alarms as much as housework slavery does fsr.

i can only rly like change the canon so much and try to like, tweak things so it doesn feel as gross but i think for it to be cmpletely not insneistive at all youd have to throw away the whole show. and like i said, this isnt like me saying like im making the show good or as it shouldve been, im making it so I (and ppl who share my feelings about the show) can feel less shitty just thinking back to it. its just an exercise. im not like mass media im just one independent artist and shit will come out insensitve sometimes and im sorry but im also like, my art isnt meant to be representative and like, responsiuble for fixing all of society and racism like i actually cant do that. ill just do the best i can as an asian dude but like, if my work makes you upset, im sorry, but also just block me. like i cant please everyone. or like, even better, make YOUR take on pearl taht you feel would be better, like make the art you feel should exist.

this post is too damn long and id be surprised if anyone reads all of it but if you do, tahnk you! i felt kinda like ready to fight tonight so im triyng to redirect it from aggression to like, thinking. i cant guarantee im making new content for su reclaimed anytime soon but i would really like to, tbh

#su critical #steven universe reclaimed #ranting whatever blah blahb lah sdkjg

31 notes · View notes

cupoftaae · 1 year

Text

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ Francis Forever (chapter 17)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 5k

warnings- swearing, angst, mentions of miscarriage, confused feelings, some kissing (some smut not really its like 2 seconds), REALLY EMO

a/n- guys....we have reached the final chapter of Forever And A Day, oh my god. Ive worked on this story since January, its very dear to me, Thank you for everyone who tagged along. I love you so much! there will still be an Epilogue posted as well. Enjoy the chapter angels

-nini

Your feet led you down to the kitchen, where your mom was currently cleaning.

"hi honey" she mumbled, not turning around to see you as she scrubbed the top of the stove.

"hey.." you walk over, opening the fridge and looking for something to snack on. Granted- there was something made for breakfast but you hadn't woken up until 12pm. Technically, it was now lunch.

"do you want me to make you something?"

You peer over to your mom whos putting things away in the storages

"no thats okay" you grab a sleeve of crackers from the cabinet and some cream cheese, opting to sit at the kitchen island with your sad "meal"

"thats not lunch, missy" your mother scolded as she turned to you finally

"meh" you shoved the cracker in your mouth as you watched her grab her coat from the hanger. "where are you going?" you spoke with a full mouth.

"I have to run to the store"

"didnt you just go the other day?"

Your mom peered over her shoulder, waiting a moment "yes...but, I forgot to grab...uh....planter feed, for my little window plants" she nodded over in the direction of them.

"okay....can I come?" you mumble, throwing another dry cracker into your mouth.

"no" she laughed, making you look up

"what, why?"

"because" she began to ramble "well...I love you but Ive spent every minute with you this week, its good to be alone for a few hours"

You raised an eyebrow as if you didnt believe her.....because you didnt. "okayyy..." your voice dragged out

"ill be back in no time, no worried dear." she grabbed her bag and walked to the door, "ill bring you back a coffee" she winked as she left.

Once you heard the door lock, you stood up, licking the cream cheese off your fingers.

why was she in such a hurry to be gone?

Your feet wandered over to the little plant cabinet she had, opening it to see a freshly stocked basket of soil feed packets. Of course she was lying.

She was probably looking for an excuse to see that guy shes been talking to for months now. Why would she lie though? does she think you couldn't handle it?

Chosing to ignore it, you picked up her cat and made your way upstairs to your room, sitting down at your desk.

These days you werent out much, last time you saw other people was 2 days ago when you went to go grab the mail from the mailbox in the pouring rain. Nonetheless, you still loved to get yourself dolled up as if you were going out.

You applied some makeup, carefully drawing out your eyeliner to a sharp point. The way you applied your face could be compared to how you applied yourself to everything else in life- strict and neat, and you hated when you had a smudge

You pushed through your makeup bag, searching for a certain lipstick that you are now realizing you left back in Paris.

"that was $20" you sigh, standing up to wander to your moms room. Surely she has something to use, shes always been one to paint her face, she used to let you play "makeover" when you were young, which might be why you love it so much now. It was always enjoyable, even if you made her look like a clown a bit.

You wondered where she would keep her makeup, as it wasnt in her bathroom. A quick scan around the room brought you over to her vanity drawers.

"ahh, there we go" you happily looked at all of the collective lipsticks and palettes sprawled out in front of you. You grasped a few of them to look for one you would use, when your eyes fell onto a folder underneath all it.

Pulling it out and carefully looking inside, because you were snoopy even with your mothers belongings, you saw what appeared to be a booklet of Polaroid photos.

You giggled softly at the cute older photos of your mom when she was younger, the silly gestures in the photos reminded you that she too is human and has her own emotions.

You came across a specific one in the pile where your mom was looking out the window in her old apartment, obviously pregnant.

that was you.

Smiling softly, you slid through the last bits before picking up one that made your breath hitch.

Your dad.

She still kept every photo. Hidden.

Photos of your dad sitting on the deck of the house with newborn you resting on his chest, photos of him not knowing your mom was even there while he did tiny activities, like fixing or repainting something.

It was so real and so raw, and you wanted to criticize your mother for keeping all of these, because as you looked at his face, you felt nothing but anger.

But you had to remember she spent a majority of her life with him...she had a kid with him....and you almost felt a sense of sympathy for her and the life she thought she would have with him.

He ruined so many things and even after all of that, she cant toss the photos.

Its never really over, huh?

You knew deep down that you should've respected your moms privacy and left the room, considering you were only on the look for a lipstick.

But you found yourself still digging an hour later, looking at photos and notes and everything in between. In a way, you felt like the snooping mom looking into her daughters room.

Perhaps you shouldnt have, but you took one of the photos and kept it for yourself. It was of your mom, she had to have been your age in it, and she was standing in front of the old ice cream place she always took you to before it got demolished.

She looked so happy and pure, she had that gleam in her eyes that you struggle to find in her nowadays.

You put the photo into your bag, making sure it was flat and not bent.

With any lesson learnt from your parents, its that your biggest fear is to spend your life in the wrong situation, trying to make it work only for it to end up as the opposite, and leave you with a broken heart.

But on the other hand, you also realize that you dont want to be like your mom, although you admire and adore her, you want to find your place so desperately, and not let any opportunity go to waste.

The doorbell downstairs rang, startling you a little as you rose to your feet, trying to head down quickly.

"coming!" you shout, your bare feet leading you to the locked door. You open it and see a young man with a pizza in his hand. "oh!"

He bows his head polietly, "Hi, pizza for Y/N?"

You almost laugh, "ah...I didnt order anything?"

you thought for a moment and considered that your mother probably ordered it for you, knowing that your choice of meal this morning was crackers and cream cheese.

"its already paid for" he spoke again

"im sorry but-" you sigh "okay....thanks?" you reach out, almost burning your hands at how warm the box was. You dropped it off on the kitchen counter and looked at it.

It was cheese and bacon, your favorite, how did your mom know that?

"should I trust this?" you looked down at the cat crawling over your feet, she smelled the yummy food just above and was trying to access it.

Before you could grab your phone to call her, you heard the doorbell ring again. "seriously...?"

once more, your feet dashed you over as you opened the door, assuming it would be another delivery. You dropped your phone onto the floor as the person standing in front of you turned around.

"I hope you are open to sharing that pizza" Taehyung spoke quietly, a small smile on his face.

"what are you doing here....?" you looked at him like a deer in headlights; scared, relieved, shocked, happy all in one.

He calmed his expression and stepped a bit closer, "can I come in?"

You stepped back and thought for a moment

"please....?" he persisted

"y-yeah..yeah come in" you stepped away and watched him slowly enter the house, taking his shoes off before turning back to you. He didnt have a moment to speak before you threw yourself into his chest, wrapping him up into a tight hug.

His arms snaked around you, pulling you closer as both of your breathing became uneven.

"i-im so sorry...i missed you a lot and I havent texted and, fuck, youre here and im so-"

"shhh...shhh" his hand held your nape as you looked at you, forehead against yours, "dont apologize its okay"

"but-"

"no...lets just go sit down and talk" he whispered, rubbing your back.

You exhaled shakily "okay"

You led him over to the kitchen, still in absolute shock at the fact he is here with you right now. All of the guilt began to seep back in the moment you saw his face.

You took a seat at the counter and looked at him, the sun peaking in through the blinds, leaving stray lines of orange through the room.

He smiled and looked around, pulling the seat out next to you as he sat down.

"So.." you looked at him, swallowing harshly. "wh-"

"your mom called me" he spoke honestly, sitting down and shielding the sun with his hand. "I was worried sick about you, I cant lie"

Yep. Guilt.

"and I didnt wanna bother you, but she called me and said that you wanted to see me so..." he smirked a little, looking down.

You sigh loudly, "oh tae.....i never told her to tell you to come...."

He laughed, throwing his head back "ah I figured sort of...I knew you would have probably texted me yourself"

You nod, stomach fluttering at the sound of his amusement. "yeah..'m sorry for not texting, that was really shitty of me Tae"

"dont apologize, youve gone through a lot, I understand its not easy to jump back in yet...and thats okay." he whispered "but...how are you? what are you feeling?"

"right now? im....im honestly really happy you showed up...."

"yeah?"

You nod, "mhm, i, er, missed you" you fumbled with your words, not wanting to sound needy or desperate.

"I missed you too" his response was quick.

you both looked at eachother for a few moments silently, before you spoke up, "you ordered that pizza, didnt you?"

He began to laugh, "yeah I did"

"I knew my mom wouldnt know I liked bacon...." you giggled, he moved a little closer and smiled.

"and listen, im not here to course you to coming back to Busan, I just wanted to come check on you...because you know I love you always"

You felt your face heat up, "I know...I know tae, I love you too."

"how are you physically?" he spoke quietly

Shrugging, you answered truthfully, "I think Im okay....my body is beginning to go back to normal, so....."

"good, thats good" he nods

"mhm...im glad I have my mom, but I really did miss having you nearby, and I know you dont want to hear it but I have to say it" you mumbled

"you can talk, y/n"

"im so sorry...for everything....its not fair-"

"but-"

"just listen please, its not fair...what I did to you, and I shouldnt have left, that was so shitty to leave you back in Paris knowing you were hurting too"

His face softened

"and what I did has been haunting me so much that I was afraid to contact you in fears you resented me....in fears that perhaps you hated me now-" your voice choked

"y/n, no, no," he grabbed your hands, "I could never hate you....never ever" he whispered moving to see your eyes, "listen to me, It was a bad situation, and perhaps we could have done better, yes, but stop apologizing for dealing with grief."

He wiped the tear stain on your cheek, holding your face close to his, whispering, "does your mom still have popsicles in the freezer?"

The random question made you laugh, "what?"

"this is serious, y/n, does she?"

"I- I think?" you stood and watched him search, successfully finding them. "why?"

He smirked, "you know why" he grabbed 2 and held your hand, bringing you upstairs to your room, opening the window and climbing out to the ledge of the roof

A place you two always sat during your high school days...with popsicles.

"ohh...." you giggled, now understanding his method to the madness.

"been a longgg time since we sat here, why didnt we do it when we visited a few months ago?" he smiled, opening the wrapper and licking the watermelon pop

"Im not sure..." you opened your own, happy that the sun wasn't directly on you two anymore.

Taehyung laid back against the roof, eyes on you from behind. Its been so long since hes seen you, and with every passing day he grew more impatient.

When he got the phone call from your mom, he knew it was mostly her doing, but he was not about to pass up a free opportunity to see you, even knowing the risk of you despising him was still high.

He wanted to call you beautiful, the way the orange sky illumintaed on your skin, it blended perfectly, it was straight out of a disney Princess movie.

He had no clue as to what label you two stood as, was it okay to call you baby? there was never an official breakup. Was it too much to want to kiss you as soon as he saw your face? his body yearned for you in every way, he missed the feeling of your hand in his and your body on his chest at night.

He missed all of you, and it hasnt even been that long.

"you know..." he began, closing his eyes, "Im starting to think im a bit too dependent on you" his voice was teasing,

"why do you say that?" you looked back at him, licking the popsicle.

He shrugged, smirking, "just cant seem to stay away...."

"i dont understand you" you laugh, looking forward again. "ive been such an ass, Taehyung"

"youre not an ass you just feel things deeply and I love that about you"

"is this some kind of kink?" you joke, watching him laugh

"maybe?"

You shake your head as you continue to eat the pop, "I dont shame"

He looked up at the sky, glaring at a plane flying across. He wondered if you two could be seen from the window.

He wondered how tiny and insignificant you would appear to the passengers aboard, who had no idea what situation you both were dealing with, like how he didnt know what they were dealing with.

Life is weird like that.

What problems you have and seem huge may seem meaningless to others, or how from space, you are the size of a grain of salt. It puts things into perspective, and over the past few weeks, hes been thinking about everything deeply and truly....deciding that although it may change nothing, seeing you was the best option.

"Tae?" you spoke, noticing how quiet he got

"remember when we were 16 and it was Easter? My family was over with yours, and you and I climbed up here after dinner and tried to smoke my dads cigarettes for the first time?" he laughed at the memory

You smile, "I smoked it wrong and began to choke"

You both were giggling again now

"you almost swallowed it, how does one fuck up smoking so badly?"

You nudge him, "hey!"

He shrugged, still smiling

"you are quite the smoker yourself now, huh?"

"I grew up with him smoking so yeah, I sort of picked up on it"

You nod, listening

"you hate it though, right?" he smirked

"well you are a grown man, you can chose to do as you please"

"oh cmon dont play coy, you know you would never give up a chance to scold me for it"

"yeah youre right" you sigh at his knowingness "I worry about your lungs!" you tease

"my lungs are okay" he smiled as you laid down on the roof next to him, the sun casting both of your shadows behind you.

"you dont know that!"

"trust baby, if anything was wrong youd be the first to know"

You froze after he called you baby, it wasn't like you two had been gone for years, but neither of you had been lovey in over a month, it felt almost foreign, almost wrong.

He wasnt going to apologize, it did slip, but did he regret it?

nope.

His eyes scanned over yours, softly and lovingly as he moved his hand over your hair, pushing it out of your eyes.

You stared at him, an expression reading shock. He pulled away slightly

"am I making you uncomfortable?" he seemed worried that he stepped too far, scaring you.

"n-no!" you spoke, reaching for his hand. "it just feels odd you know? its not you, its just...."

"been a while" he finished for you

"yeah..."

You still felt safe with him, how could you not?

You didnt want him to make the assumption that you were not okay with his touch anymore, because that definitely was not the case.

You slowly cuddled closer to him, both of you laid on your backs as your head rested on his shoulder, his head leaning against yours.

Both of your lips were painted pink and red from the popsicles, it made you smile.

The sky above you two seemed so big, so endless.

Staring at it was almost frightening.

You reached for his hand and intertwined his fingers with yours, he quickly squeezed yours out of affection.

"ahh..." he spoke up suddenly, voice quiet. "I shouldnt.....I shouldnt have taken you to Paris"

You looked up at him

"maybe the plane ride was too much? maybe your body couldnt handle the stress?" he exhaled shakily, eyes still up at the sky. "Im sorry...I really am"

"you dont have to apologize for anything" you turned your body on your side so you faced him, though he still wouldn't look at you.

"hey.." you tried again, "you know, my mom told me she also miscarried when I was 3 years old...and thats why she never had kids after me"

He closed his eyes, squeezing your hand

"So I guess its runs in the family.....not our fault" you shrugged, "Its breaks my heart but...we dont have to blame ourselves"

He turned his head to your finally at the sound of your voice cracking, He brought you closer to his chest, hand rubbing your back. Taehyung swallowed harshly, clearing his throat to talk quietly "I've been...having a hard time dealing with it.

You rested your hand on his chest, looking at him sympathetically. His eyes were now watery, it took a lot to not cry yourself.

Youve already cried.

Youve cried so much

Perhaps you were now accepting the miscarriage for what it was, you were even able to say it aloud now, and thats growth.

You wished the same for Taehyung.

"that's okay, too" you whisper, hand snaking around to brush his hair between your fingers behind his head.

His eyes went back up to the now purple sky, tears reflecting the image in front of you. "do you think they are up there?" he smiled softly, rubbing your back still.

You look up at the sky, the clouds creating a beautiful set up as the sun set behind them. The world felt blanketed and secured in this moment, almost safe.

"yeah" you whisper, squeezing his hand, "but they are also here...with us, you know?"

He looks at you, tear marks on his face as you move to wipe them with your sleeve. "I think we will always be parents, that cant change. I feel that connection so deeply, and I know you do too. They arent gone, they just arent in this world" you add.

Taehyung smiled softly at your words, nodding slowly, "yeah....yeah youre right"

His thumb runs over your knuckles, calming you both down.

"I cant get myself to get rid of anything...like the stuff we bought." you mumble, looking down at your hands.

He chuckled, "mmh, you dont have too."

You sighed and looked at him again, a warm blush coating your cheeks.

"you know...I dont give you enough credit" he spoke "youve been through so much"

"Tae..." you brush his hair back, "youve given me everything....we need to look ahead...the past cant be changed."

He slides his hand under the hem of your shirt, touching the soft skin on your hip bone. It wasn't promiscuous or anything, simply an act of love and affection, silently showing you he's here and is listening.

"Im really sad" he choked out

You hugged him close as he began to cry into your shoulder

"its okay baby, its okay....its okay to be sad, you dont have to be strong for me" your hand caressed his back. "I love you so much, please know that"

He took a moment to calm down before pulling back to look at you, "y-youre right....we do need to look forward now"

You nod softly, holding his face.

You were a little worried to see him in this state, you didnt know he was feeling this and keeping it down for so long.

All you could do was comfort him and be there.

"I just.....are we still...." he trailed off, making you smile as you cupped his face again, brushing your thumbs over his cheeks lovingly.

"mm" you slowly leaned forward to kiss him

It was a nice kiss, not too slow but not too fast, just what was needed after a month of distance and no contact.

He blushed brightly, holding you as he whispered, "do you think we could start over? I really want to treat you right, and I want this to work. We can work it out right? the correct way this time?" his voice wavered

You nodded, still looking at him "yes....we can try again, the right way" you giggled as he leaned forward to kiss you again, this time a little quicker.

He bit your bottom lip, hands gently squeezing your hips

"baby-" you exhaled into his mouth, gently pulling back to look at him. "maybe we shouldnt"

"why?" he frowned, almost looking like a little kid

"well for starters we are on my roof" you giggled, sitting up

Taehyung smiled and looked around

"and....I dont know...sex is what brought us this mess" you teasingly nudged him, making him laugh. "lets just be with eachother for a little bit and let our feelings lead us to what happens"

He sighed, knowing you were right. "okay....can I still cuddle you though?" he whispered, making you coo at his cuteness.

"of course, lets go"

You slowly led him back into your room off the roof, closing the window before settling down on the bed with him. "when are you going back to Busan?"

He held you, face hidden in your neck "maybe in a few days...I dont want to leave you yet if thats okay"

"okay...thats fine, but, I think I'll head back with you...."

He smiled, rubbing your back "yeah?"

"mm" you kissed his head, closing your eyes.

You were still healing. To say you fully recovered was not true, but as you sat in his arms things felt normal again, even if it would be temporary.

Perhaps you needed to be with him to fully heal, to fully be yourself. Taehyung was your other half, and he knew you better than anyone. To give this another chance is like a breath of fresh air.

Putting your pasts behind you in hopes of feeling happiness again, in hopes of both of you becoming better people for each other.

Taehyung doesnt want to leave you, ever, and you cant say you want him to.

You dont spend half of your life with someone then let them run away just because things go downhill.

If your father was in your presence, you would teach him this lesson.

When you love someone, you hold their hand and walk through hard times together, you dont let them leave over something that both of you know you would need eachother's support for. To think- you almost let him out of your grasp, you almost lost him.

And Taehyung loved you so much...that if you asked him to leave....he would have.

You dont know what the future entails, and yes, its fucking terrifying. Life is scary, theres ups and downs, and suprises and failure, but theres also a lot of love, and happiness, and success if you look hard enough.

You do hope one thing for sure, and thats that he will be at your side as you grow up, to be there when you are right and wrong, healthy or sick, happy or sad.

As you both began to pick up the pieces of what was broken, you appreciated the past, knowing you had to let it go, but it also brought you here, back into where you feel most safe.

You renovated the apartment and turned the Nursery into a craft room for Taehyungs painting. He kept all of the baby belongings in the closet, hoping for the day in the future when he would open it again and feel that sense of excitement but nervousness.

You continued work and college classes, pursuing your acting career that youve always wanted, and when you graduated, Taehyung would never let you forget how much he admired you.

He kissed your neck softly, his hand pressed into yours as he hovered above you, "so beautiful, my love...."

you bit your lip before exhaling a shaky moan "ohh..f-fuck"

"so smart....youre so perfect baby, I love you"

He kissed you gently, still moving his hips against yours as you held him close to you, fluttering your eyes shut.

things had settled into place once again.

Taehyung got offered a job as an art teacher at the college you graduated from, taking the full time position while you worked at the local theatre, producing and preforming sold out plays every weekend.

The saving money part was hard for him, he wanted to buy you anything you laid your eyes on.

"did you seriously buy the couch?!" you tossed your bag, running from the doorway to the living room to see the grey couch you had pointed out shopping with him literally the day prior.

He shrugged, "yeah...whats the big deal?"

"taehyung!" you giggled and hugged him.

He was too spontaneous for his own good.

A few years passed, and looking at your current life now, you would not believe how much had changed. You can say for the first time in a while you felt happy...and oh what an exciting and freeing feeling that was.

"I love youuuu! my baby!!!!!" taehyung danced around on the icy sidewalk outside of your apartment door, it was new years eve and he was drunk.

very...very drunk.

He pointed at you as he sang, "my babyyyy! woo!"

You giggled, sitting on the steps and recording your man child boyfriend whom you loved so much. "baby be careful dont sl-"

too late.

He fell on his ass, laughing so hard he almost puked, which of course made you laugh too.

"cmon ya big baby" you ran over and helped him inside. Midnight had already passed earlier, pre-drunk taehyung had danced with you around the living room, gifting you a small kiss once the clock read midnight.

"hm, I dont get it, whats so different about a new years kiss? its like every other one?" you laughed after his lips left yours.

"well its special because I get to be the first to kiss you in the new year" he smiled cheekily

"tae...your the only one who gets to kiss me any year" you point at him

"damn right" he snaps his fingers at you as he walks past into the other room.

Every holiday you spent with him felt special, every event, every grocery run, it all felt so much more authentic now.

You two were in your mid twenties now, and a lot of mental growth had come along with that. With pride, you can say you were better people than before, and thats why things worked so well.

You could easily live like this forever.....

it was basically an endless sleepover with your best friend. You were okay if you could come home and see his face waiting for you on the couch.

Your sweet boy.

You had no idea what was gonna happen next, whether that was marriage, or another attempt at having kids- you felt ready.

Ready to give him anything he wanted in return for him saving you.

You could do anything, be anywhere or anyone, in good or bad conditions, and you will still only crave him.

Your lover.

You want him for months

for years

for eternity...

For Forever And A Day.

And God knows he felt the same.

A/N- wow guys....this is it....I cannot thank you enough for reading my first story on here, im not perfect at writing but you guys keep me motivated and confident in my work, and I love you for that. This will not be the end of this couple, we still have the Epilogue as well as eventual drabbles.

You guys are amazing. ily.

-Nini

taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee

#bts #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts smut #kim taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung #taehyung #taehyung fanfic #taehyung fluff #taehyung smut #taehyung bts #bts taehyung #kim taehyung series #taehyung series

28 notes · View notes

ikoarts · 8 months

Text

November 2022 Art

huh. a lot of silly doodles this month, some random stuff from my phone too, was on some silly energy i think x

vvv dates + info under the cut vvv

1 - 08/11/2022 : horse Ru but like, an actual horse. shes real. get horsed idiot. shes a bay tobiano marwari (also one i did on my phone)

2, 3 - 09/11/2022 : much silliness. was thinking of koopas again, theres barley, who is weird, and also lemmy, giving good advice x

4 - 10/11/2022 : horsie! again! thats about it

5, 6 - 12/11/2022 : more koopaz, they smoke veed together i guess, i liked drawing these i was on sily energy

7 - 13/11/2022 : jammy lammy. drawn on my phone x ,, i think i doodled this then i started on my full digital piece of her?

8, 9, 10 - 14/11/2022 : roosh in the rush shirt, ive been asked if she likes rush bc shes rush-ada which i find funny (no sadly i wish i was that funny), she never dresses like this but i like to draw her in things she'd probably Want to wear but wouldn't bc shes a self conscious old lady..... ANYWAY omg first drawing where i drew Ru with her iconic half moon eyes instead of having the empty space, now her eyes are a full shape,, its been this way ever since and it feels so much better, maximum droopiness, shes pathetic really but i love her, toni might invoke this rage on me if she catches me saying that tho

also penguin dance. watch that autistic girl groove

11 - 15/11/2022 : moar drawing Ru in outfits she would want to wear but wouldn't normally, like this is how i dress so this is projection probably.. i was on my peak boingo fix at this point (has not stopped) so Toni is having a sing x (has been misinterpreted as her ripping a bong at least three times) and a little Luisa hehe

12, 13 - 16/11/2022 : Toni would have a YT channel in canon, like thats how she breaks into the music scene, but i like thinking of her doing cliche youtuber things.. also the first (not first but the First first is like an incomplete concept doodle) drawing of Trixie! i knew i wanted a new robo oc, and she had to be a gnasty diesel powered idiot, she hasn't changed too much

14 - 18/11/2022 : silly time again, ru n toni on their catgirl and horsegirl business, i am 5 and poop is funny

15-18 - 25/11/2022 : holy ponies batman! horseshada (yes thats what i call her) as a G3 styled MLP, both in her natural colours, and unnatural colours (her pony name is Blue Moon), also TONI PONY! (her pony name is Heart-To-Heart). gay ass little ponies

19-23 - 28/11/2022 : so like. at this point i was in the middle of watching waterloo road (classic series the new one sucks big balls), and this is like the only thing i could conjure up...... also another mettatetta, was still unsure about his design, but its comin!! later!! have patience!! the rest are some various Rushadas, in an outfit from animal crossing pocket camp since i was playing that again at this point, i should draw her in it again bc she SERVES.. also her in her jammies, i wanted a go at drawing plaits, pretty proud of that one, her hair is so thick and lovely <3

24 - 29/11/2022 : so like i really dont have enough aus i guess, catgirl toni n horsegirl rushada, but like, they're more anthro this time, that was basically the concept, and to recap, ive got like centaur au, like full animal au, and one where its just them but they have the ears and tails, its complicated!

11 notes · View notes

pjunicornart · 5 months

Text

So I went to the hospital.

Throwing up a content warning for general medical stuff, anxiety, depression, and mentions of self harm stuff. This is an important update, but I'll still put it all under a cut in case you don't want to hear about it.

Last night I had my first full blown panic attack. I've had anxiety attacks before, but I've never experienced the heavy arms, numb lips, and loopiness. I called one of my best friends and they described me as sounding drunk. Now, I didn't know it was a panic attack because I've never experienced one before, so I was worried something was very wrong.

I called 911 and they took me to the hospital. While there, they ordered a couple of tests (EKG, blood tests, and urine sample). It was also there when I realized I was having my first migraine. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to get used to having migraines, because it runs in my mom's side of the family.

Because I was there, I mentioned my mental health in depth because what brought me in was a stress related panic attack. I told them about my want to self harm again. That prompted them to set up a meeting with their social service worker.

So after hours of waiting and getting pain and nausea meds pumped into me via IV, the social service lady finally talked to me. Here's a brief of what we talked about: - My depression and anxiety has been going on since I was twelve, and I've suspected I've had autism for a while now. - I was in therapy for only two months when I was sixteen or seventeen, but then my dad and step-mom cancelled all of it without me knowing, and they never gave a reason as to why. - I was a very angry child. I would hit, push, shove, kick, and sometimes bite other peers. Do I regret it now? Absolutely. - I don't like eating, and I hate food. I eat to live, not live to eat. - Whenever I'm stressed out, I scratch myself. - I have suicidal idealization.

When it came time for my mom to come back into the room so the social service lady can relay the information, it seemed like she was finally ready to take me seriously. Beforehand, she would only brush me off and tell me the equivalent of, "Stop being dramatic." But perhaps me needed to be hospitalized for my mental health issues was finally enough for her to realize that I need serious help.

So, yeah. That's what happened last night. Now because I live in America (unfortunately), I'm stuck with a huge medical bill. I was gonna wait for this, but I might need to open my Patreon now. Because I can't pay a bill like that.

I'm also gonna be taking a little break from drawing and writing for a little bit. Maybe that panic attack was telling me to stop pushing myself too hard.

#rosey rambles #rant #update #important #health #mental health #healthcare #american healthcare

6 notes · View notes

saintsugu · 8 months

Text

ive taken the past few days to gather my mental bearings and try to properly formulate my thoughts. as a survivor of csa, i do not take these topics and criminal allegations lightly.

- starting with the two (2) threads that i wrote on twitter: writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I began writing on Twt, rather than just post on this blog, for a reason. It was separate from the the friends i’ve made on here. I’d be able to write things that about trauma that i’m too ashamed to admit. I could discuss topics that have been prevailing factors in my own real life without feeling worried about being shamed. I get that these are taboo topics (and for good reason), but I don’t know where the conclusion formed that just because i was discussing / consuming these topics through fiction, automatically meant that i was getting off on the idea of it happening in real life; especially compared to the possibility that maybe i was using it to cope.

Everybody has lines they’re not willing to cross. I get it; I have those too, believe it or not. for me— as a survivor, discussion of underaged content falls into the same category alongside of noncon, stepcest/incest and cannablism. None of which i support in real life yet all of which i have at some point consumed via fiction. Now obviously, these standards aren’t the same for everyone, but in my mind there is no difference. I would never accuse someone of being a r*pist if they wrote noncon. I would never claim that it’s dangerous for them to interact with women in their real lives.

People deal with trauma in different ways. When I first started to write dark content on my old blog, i dipped my feet into dubcon. I didn’t care much for it. But then in the months following, i was SA’ed by my best friend. I then began to write graphic noncon. And i felt a bit better— a bit more in control. I was now choosing when and where i was viewing and consuming fiction with these topics, rather than when i had something i did not want forced onto me.

It’s taken me a long time to begin to process certain things that took place in my childhood. Having to process something, that happened more than a decade ago, entirely alone with zero support from anyone i know is difficult. I found a way to help myself cope. My methods may have been unsavory and uncomfortable for people, but not to the extent of graphically telling me how to k*ll myself in my inbox. Yes, I did write and consume underaged fiction in order to cope with my personal trauma. I fully own up to that. At the end of the day, fiction is just fiction.

Concerning the ‘expose’ post, the OP also claims that this was not to start a witchhunt, just to shed light to the situation; all the while, they were in my inbox telling me to kill myself before even making a post. Alright. People have had no issues calling me the f slur, making transphobic remarks/purposely misgendering me, and of course, graphically telling me how i should end my life. They’ve sent hundreds of asks claiming they care about the situation, when in my opinion—which might not mean much, no matter how you feel about me, if you resort to threatening, hate mobbing and threatening me irl, you are not handling things in the right way either.

In regards to the minor in my following list, i don’t know who she was or if her pinned post had changed. when i read the expose post i immediately unfollowed her and checked to be met with the fact that she didn’t follow me and we had shared a total of zero messages between the two of us. I am unsure if her pinned post changed or if I had foolishly followed her without checking to a full extent. Either way, we had no interactions. That might sound like a copout but unfortunately, i have no other commentary i can share on the matter.

at the end of it all, i can only control my own boundaries. i tag everything accordingly and that is the most i can do. drawing and fictional pieces cannot be considered cp.

#tw discourse

10 notes · View notes

waynedunlaptheorgandonor · 1 year

Text

i have been Swamped with full-time freelance writing and a full-time job on top of it, and you guys have been so so so patient with me going months and months and months without updating anything, so i decided to give you little sneak-peeks at the next “diy steps to serenity” and “an unfinished memory” chapters to prove to you that i do actually have content, it’s just been sitting idle as i’ve been forced to write less-fun things for money :(

i’m going to have a break in my work writing obligations here v v v soon, and updating these fics will be my vacation before the next obligations begin, and i am extremely hype

snippets under the cut:

DIY Steps to Serenity Excerpt:

The next thing she registered were forms being thrust at her, demanding her signature, as if she had any capacity to read. She mumbled the answers to questions about her birthdate and address, and scribbled her name poorly where they told her to on a tablet. Then, all of a sudden, a nurse was wiping the crook of her elbow down with an alcohol swab, and she forced herself out of her fog of suffering.

"No no no, wait," she said, trying to angle away.

"They gotta give you an IV to put you under for surgery, baby," Daryl said, his fingers brushing her hair back off her forehead. Carol shook her head vehemently.

"I can't," she insisted, eyes wide with fear.

"I know but you don't got a choice, honey, it'll be okay. Everythin's okay." Evidently, he'd regained his mantra from somewhere, but Carol still wasn't convinced.

"Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. We're going to push some Dilaudid through to help control the pain while we wait to take you back for anesthesia," Leopard Print Scrubs said, thinking that Carol's fear was with the surgery, and not with the small syringe of clear liquid that she was preparing to push directly into her veins. She looked to Daryl helplessly, who simply shook his head.

"You got no choice," he repeated. Through the pain and fright and flood of confusion, Carol tried to think of an alternative. What did they used to do before pain medication? Maybe they could get her some whiskey and a big rock to bite down on. Not ideal, but she was so close to her twelve-month chip, which she didn't realize until that moment was something she actually gave a shit about.

"I'm just gonna flush your IV with some saline, and then we'll get that medicine in you and get you feeling better, you poor thing," Leopard Print Scrubs said. With her free hand, Carol reached for Daryl. He took it without hesitation.

"I won't be sober," she whispered to him through tears that she wasn't sure were new or had been falling since she'd arrived.

"But you'll be alive."

An Unfinished Memory Excerpt:

“Come now, don’t be like that,” Merle said. He came around and sat next to Daryl on the couch. He smelled like cigarettes and the cheap perfume of whichever girl he’d been cozying up with at the bar the night before. “If you need help lookin’ like a fine, upstandin’ citizen then I’ll do my damndest, but first you gotta be straight with me.”

“Straight with you about what?” Daryl didn’t look at his brother, opting instead to fiddle with his drawing, which was now just a crinkly ball in his hands. Pity, he thought, he’d liked that one well enough to have kept it, if Merle hadn’t ruined it. Whatever, he could always just draw it again.

“Carol. What’s goin’ on between the two of you? And don’t come at me with that ‘we’re just friends’ bullshit.”

“Well we are, so I dunno what the fuck else you want me to say.”

“The truth. You know everyone who goes through the Roadhouse all call her your girl, and she ain’t never denied it.”

“You know that was just so them guys would stop puttin’ moves on her when she was just doin’ her damn job.”

“Yeah, but that was months ago. You’d think by now the truth woulda come out, but if anythin’, with the way you two cozy up with each other when you’re together at the diner, y’all only reinforce it.”

“Good, then they’ll keep leavin’ her be.” Daryl pointedly did not address the “cozy up” comment.

“You know that ain’t my point.”

“Then what is it?” Daryl knew he was being purposefully obtuse, and he knew Merle knew it too, but he refused to give his brother the satisfaction of dignifying his taunts with a response.

But then Merle said, “She’d be good for you, you know? A girl like her. If you was with her I’d support it. Hell, I’d more than support it. I’d be over the damn moon.”

Daryl let his hands still, the staticky crumpling sound of the paper finally ceasing. He tossed the ball onto the table and leaned back on the uncomfortable couch, the structure of the thing hitting him at all kinds of unpleasant angles where the cushion was worn away. He stared headlong at the television in front of him. It wasn’t on, but the alternative was looking at his brother, and he didn’t think he could say what he was about to say and meet another person’s eye at the same time.

He said, so quietly he could hardly hear it himself, “Maybe I would be, too.”

#diy steps to serenity #an unfinished memory #dunlap writes shit #and will finish shit soon too #promise #caryl #caryl fic #twd

28 notes · View notes

urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites · 1 month

Note

hiii so i put in a request for the matching thing but you didn’t respond to it so im guessing i didn’t put enough info which i completey understand!!! very sorry about that, i hope ur still doing these requests if not i deeply apologize. anyway pls take ur time so so sorry!!

i’d also like to be matched with someone in pjo pls!

personal info ? 15 yrs old, i’m a girl, she/her(truly idc), bisexual, half mexican (white dad…)

physical: i have medium length wavy brown hair with grown out bangs, im 5’4 average weight, pretty tan, brown eyes, silver circle glasses, i wear smudgy eyeliner w/mascara, i either wear tank tops with big pants or big t shirt with shorts

personality: i’m honestly very weird with the people im close with, like very. i have brainrot humor so im always saying weird ass shit acting like it’s normal. i’m also very sarcastic and if im not very close with someone i give them like 0 reaction i guess? idk ppl tell me im nonchalant but that sounds rlly corny 😬 anyway im very embarrassing in public when im with my friends and they hate it but i think its funny idc!! im also pretty moody but im just a teenage girl!!!!!!! i dont get mad that easily tho like i can take a joke i just get ANNOYED easily but then ill be fine in a few minutes. also ppl tell me im very funny so 😇 meat riding myself YES IM A NO SABO KID I AM TRYING TO LEARN SOANISH.

hobbies/intrests: love love love listening to music, love tv girl, tyler, mitski, arctic monkeys, the smiths, depeche mode, the cure, lana, tame impala, beabadoobee and so many other generes and artists but i only know like 2 songs 😬

i also had a severe fnaf phase, avatar the last airbender, spiderverse, saiki, and obvi percy jackson

currently OBSESSED with slushy noobz they are my whole personality they are how i act. along with avascreams on tiktok ive literally had 6 different ppl tell me “you know that one girl on tiktok?? you act just like her” IM TRILY NOT EVEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE HER I SWEAR. also love sam and colby i full heartedly believe in ghosts just watch ima become a ghost hunter 😊😊

as of right now my hobbies are playing stardew valley and never getting my homework done, i also love to draw but im not very good at it. i also love painting but i haven’t done it in a while bc of school :(( i take piano lessons as well but again, not very good even after 5 years. i rlly like reading too but again bc of school i haven’t read as much lately, love playing with my pets (dog and cat) they’re so cute i love animals so so much i want more but yknow im busy, ive also gotten into working out bc im tryna lose this face fat🫥

likes: love carnival rides!!!! they’re so fun i love the fair SO MUCH. beautiful atmosphere truly. the zipper is so fun don’t let anyone lie to you. nature, i love going on walks in the woods but i can’t bc i don’t live near any😔 food i love food, korean, mexican, american, japanese, i love it all. english class! teacher is so sweet i love her and its also easy and boring so

dislikes: six flags. i hate roller coasters. annoying ppl like bruh stfu up OH MY GOD. when my mom asks me about college, leave me alone pls!

okay i truly don’t know what else to put i hope this was enough 😓😓

-faith 👐

Hey Faith, I am so so sorry that this took incredibly long to complete. I’ve been insanely busy these few months and lots of personal stuff going on so I really hope that this does it justice! And also also don’t be sorry I’m really sorry that this took so long

Your PJO ship: Leo Valdez 🔥🔥🔥 (man I’m jealous)

Explanation: honestly the best way I can explain this is that you’re crazy totally matches his crazy. Your freak matches his freak. is somebody gonna match my freak? Yes, someone will match your freak and that person is Leo. Starting off with your physical appearance, I think that he would be very attracted to you and I think you give a vague match of his mom like I feel like you look like his mom a little little bit, which is what kind of drew him to you in the first place I feel like he probably saw you in a crowd and his jaw dropped. He just thought that you were your clothing style. He also liked your eyeliner which he had you do on him whenever you guys got comfortable enough in the relationship he was like hey can I please have your make up routine done on me? He looked rlly hot but anyway- you guys are just so chaotic together with your personality like you match him so well I feel like Leo in order to make a relationship work with him. He needs to have someone that’s either vastly different than him or the same because I mean, I just see you guys as Deadpool and Vanessa, you guys so chaotic in public you guys would do so much embarrassing shit together and social anxiety would be afraid of both of you combined, a deadly duo. Whenever you were first getting to know each other, and you were more relaxed and chill around him less if you’re crazy with showing, that’s what kind of Drew him like he thought that your dynamic could be that you would kind of be more opposites, but then he slowly realize that you were just as fucking goofy and silly as him, and he would have a blast with you as you guys got further on into your even like just friendship that eventually turn into romance. You guys always have the funniest times together like I’m not joking. You guys would be the couple to go out with if you wanted a good time because you guys just yeah you’re chaotic and glorious and also really freaking funny and I mean yeah. (I would also like to let you know to do a deeper dive into your personality. I did research some of the people you mentioned that you were compared to and watched some of their videos and subjected myself to the painful amount of puns and batshit crazy, honestly I’m pretty impressed if people are comparing you) as for your hobbies, he would love playing Stardew Valley and I feel like he would romance. Sebastian don’t ask me why, but I just feel like he would. He would totally want Sebastian as I don’t know why OK I really don’t. I really don’t but anyway that’s just my personal theory. But he would love playing Stardew with you. He’s also a procrastinator when it comes to homework and work and taking things seriously in general so you guys would be quite the interesting duo and I feel like U2 would just end up making out during study date so if you want someone to study with? He’s probably not the best person. Also, I think that he would love your art and would be absolutely obsessed. If you ever did any artwork of him or just inspired by him like he would love that he would frame that shit he would brag to everyone about how good you are and same goes with piano he’s obsessed even if you think you weren’t very good after five years of playing he thinks you’re magnificent. It took everything in him to not compare you to Apollo because he knew that that would probably get you like blasted into the sky or something, but he just thinks anything that comes from you is good basically. That’s Leo Math.

You + Anything= Good.

He can never read very much because of his ADHD. I just feel like he would lose interest in books really easily unless they’re really exciting or exactly what he’s being into at this point, so I feel like he would get the being too busy to read. He also loves animals. He would absolutely snuggle all the pets in the world. I feel like he just loves animals. I feel like he especially loves dogs because they match his energy and he’s definitely like a golden retriever guy or maybe a Chihuahua guy one of them anyway dogs are very Leo core. Also, he thinks your chubby face is cute, and while he promotes working out for the healthiness of it, he thinks you have the wrong motivation if you want to get rid of that cute squeezable cheeks. (Multiple cheeks if ykwim) he also loves carnival rides and he’s a huge foodie so if you ever went out to him, you guys would end up eating more than your stomachs and belts can handle I mean yeah you guys would just be done if you ever went out to eat because he would order so much food and then I feel like because of his ADHD he’d be midway eating through another thing and then see other stand and be like babe. We gotta go there next. basically you guys would be extremely full. He also likes nature walks. I think that he kind of just likes the dirt of it because he’s definitely not afraid to get dirty and he loves just poking around nature I mean, I honestly that’s how I see him going on hikes like he’d pick up slugs, he do all kinds of like gross stuff. People normally wouldn’t do like I don’t know, letting a worm crawl on his arm or something. anyway you guys totally match each other crazy and match each other’s freak yes just like the song, and I really ship it 💕💓💗💞💗💞

#leo valdez x reader #Leo Valdez #leo valdez x you #hoo #hoo pjo toa #hoo Leo #Leo hoo

5 notes · View notes

lostandfoundbook · 3 months

Text

Chapter 25

Read it on AO3

Read it on Wattpad

When Alexandria woke up, she noticed she was alone. The light casting through the windows was minimal as the sun hadn't reached it's peak yet, and most of the buildings blocked it's view from entering the massive hotel. She ran her hand through her hand and attempted to detangle it as best she could before standing up and taking her IV all the way across the room.

She made her way into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. She had made it a habit of doing this, and the vanity in her bedroom wouldn't do her justice. She needed a full body view of what was happening. She had been getting better meals since she got transferred, and she noticed her curves were slowly being withered away at.

She needed to work out once she got out of this hospital bed. She found the hairbrush on the counter next to the sink and ran it through whatever knots were leftover in her hair from her finger-brushing earlier. It 'clunked' and ripped as she tugged away at her hair, disregarding any notion that she was supposed to be delicate in this situation.

A couple thoughts ran through her head as she did this. One, was she going to be able to get back into performing soon? That was always where her brain went after a long haul of resting. She had all this energy brimming at her finger tips and nothing to do with it, and it just wanted to be free. She needed to release it into the world somehow, however it's possible.

She let the air in her lungs rush past her lips as a sigh escaped. She looked tired still, but the bruising around her face was doing much better today. The previous color of amber and Arabian gold bruising had slowly turned into the light colors of brown and squash orange with the tiniest hints of yellow spanning across the bridge of her nose and under her eyes.

She rubbed her hand across her bandage on her chest and wondered when she would get her stitches removed. In a week? A couple months? How long was she to be confined to one locations? Restricted to specific movements? How long would she be a prisoner in her own body with her mind bursting full of potential? She didn't have an answer to any of these, and it stressed her out.

She cranked her neck side to side in an attempt to crack her neck. Her entire body felt stiff, and she could really use a massage. It sounded like somebody placed rocks in her shoulders as she stretched them out and wriggled underneath herself to get the pressure to release. She eventually stopped and made her way back into the bedroom.

Not much happened in her day to day life. She woke up; got dressed; brushed her teeth and hair; washed her face; do make up depending on the day; took her medicine; did PT; got back in bed; watched TV all day; wrote in her journal; wrote poetry; and so many other things to pass the time. There was nothing to do all day, but at least she was free from the re-runs from the hospital channels.

A knock was placed on her door and her head tilted up as Avery made her way into the room. "Hey, girl! How have you been doing since we last talked?" her voice was smooth and welcoming, like it beckoned Alex to come closer and listen. She thought about the last conversation they had, and how emotionally charged it was.

Alex let a smile draw across her face. "I'm doing better, now. Thank you for talking with me. I really appreciate you being there." Avery shut the door behind her as she stepped inside and made her way across the distance to sit at the stool at the end of Alex's bed. "Of course! I'll always be there for you. I want you to know that people are always looking out for you. Literally. We've had security upped massively since the attack."

Alex's lips formed a line. She didn't like the idea of Oliver expending anymore resources on her than necessary, and upping security sounded... unnecessary. Everette was in custody. He couldn't hurt her anymore. Who else was Oliver worried about? "Well, I don't know if I really need that, you know what I mean?"

Avery paused. "There was no one downstairs, Alex. They were all busy. I don't even know what they were doing. I don't know why they weren't at the front door. A lot of people got fired, and we're training a lot of new people. I do think its needed." She had a look of seriousness washed over her face. Alex nodded as she spoke. "I know. I was there."

The ginger girl stiffened at Alex's reply. "I'm sorry.. I didn't mean it like that.." a look of regret was pasted onto her face, and it made Alex cringe. "I know, I'm sorry. I just mean... I get it. I just think it's going to restrict me a lot." Alex tore away at her cuticles as she talked. She really needed a mani-pedi, pronto. "I don't like the idea of being controlled all the time." she finished and looked at her bedsheets.

They were a tan-ish white color, and for some reason, she was really interested in them. It was all she could do to not focus on the conversation at hand. It felt too heavy, too serious, and something like she really had to commit her words towards. She wasn't ready for that.

"I get that, love. But it's for everyone's safety, not just yours. It also helps the patrons here, as well as the guests showing up to the event next week." Avery spoke. She was wearing a white button up shirt with two of the top buttons undone. Comfortable, but still classy. On her legs she dawned a black pencil skirt with a pair of black square heel shoes. She looked pretty.

Her pair was pulled into a bun, and she had two strands of hair falling out, framing her face. She also wore a pair of glasses, likely for reading, because she didn't wear them often. She must have been busy working before this.

Alex get excited at the words spoken to her, however. "What kind of event if Oliver putting on? Am I allowed to go?" Her barrage of questions was met with a smile across the ginger girls face. "Of course you can go. You'll probably be off your IV by then." Her voice was still filled with sugar and sweets, and it made Alex feel like she could really connect with her. "I will?" The blonde questioned out.

"Yes. They're talking about getting it out this week, so you should be fine to go a red carpet next week if you want. You can stay in the background and avoid questions, or you could use it as your time to take control of the narrative like you've been talking about. Whichever is easiest for you."

Alex let the thought settle in her stomach. She would be off of the morphine in a week, and will likely be placed on ibuprofen after that. She knew it would be a big adjustment with her injury and with her process of getting sober, but it's something she had to do if she wanted to get back to normal.

And, dear god, did she want to get back to normal. It was like a fire was lit within her lungs and she couldn't breath properly. She felt constrained in shackles and every time she tried to run or scream out, nothing happened. Her legs were made of jelly and her voice was stolen away. She was stuck, and she knew she was. She was a rabid animal pacing her cage back and forth daily, plotting her inevitable escape, and her escape would be this event.

"I'm definitely going, there's no question about that. The real question would be how long I stay for. It's going to be my first time getting out of this room and I want it to be a big deal!" Alex felt the words fall out of her mouth as if they weren't her own. She hadn't meant to be that honest about feeling trapped, but she didn't care. Maybe if other people picked up on it, they'd save her from this mess she was in.

Avery didn't even address her statement. "Listen, Al, It's going to be great. It's promoting 'Big Feelings' and Oliver has taken a bunch of submissions and ideas for this play that were submitted by the actors. It's really special and I think it's going to be a hit. Oliver doesn't necessarily agree, but..."

She was excited at the thought. Alex hadn't gotten the chance to just sit down and watch a good musical in a long time. She had been so busy with her album, theatre, and with Everette-- she never had the time to stop and smell the roses. She felt her muscles relax as she melted into the bed. "Yeah. I'm really glad I get to see this one live. Oliver is going to Benji's musical tomorrow and he's gonna FaceTime me, so I wont be missing everything."

Avery seemed to perk up at her comment, placing both on her hands on the bed. "That's really nice of him! You know, he doesn't like it when record performances, so this is a really big deal for him! I think it's really cute."

Cute? Had other people caught on to the little fling happening between them? "Yeah! I thought so, as well." Alex replied. She felt like she could trust Avery with her thoughts, like if she divulged them, they'd stay here in this room. It felt safe between the two. "I really like him, you know?" Alex added on and looked up towards the ceiling.

It was still early in the morning, and the sun was making its way into her bedroom by this point. It's golden hues bathed over the room and left a yellow glow over everything. It felt magical, like the moment was picked out of her childhood and replayed over again. Something about the way Avery's face twisted into a grin made her own stomach flip into butterflies.

"He talks a lot about you.. like, a lot. I think he likes you, too."

The rest of the day seemed to fly past quickly as 8am slowly turned into 9am, and then 10am. The golden glow of the room seemed to even out into the regular daily lighting of the sun, and Alex could see as it twinkles through her windows. Avery made her way out of the room around 9:30, and Alex was left to her lonesome again. Currently she was doing PT.

She had gotten better at it. She'd gotten into a groove of her reps, the pace-walk-pace-squat method she had figured out to get herself back into working order. It was basically everything she had been taught during PT, she just combined it all together, but she was getting bored. There was only so many reps you can do before you get worn out.

She made her way back over to her bed and sat her IV bag next to it before flopping face first into the bedsheets and pillows. It was an attack of velvet and fleece, and she could feel the comfort envelope her as she relaxed into it. She turned over to face the ceiling, and stared out, lost in thought. What was she supposed to be doing? Just sitting here all day? For weeks?

It was torture. It made her want to claw her skin away from her body to try to find release. It was like something was trapped inside of her, and the only way to get it out was by kicking, screaming, and biting her way through. It felt desperate and needy, and the only thing she could think to do to subside it was weed.

But currently, she was on a break, she told herself. It wasn't good for her lungs. It made her paranoid, and she dissociated when she smoked. These were all the reasons she told herself she didn't need it. She'd never admit to herself that the real reason was because of Everette. Mentally, she tied it to him, and it grasped onto her body like a clingy child.

She fought hard to suppress the memories of all the times he had gotten her hook on something new. Something foreign to her, but she trusted him. She shouldn't have trusted him. She knew it was all one big mistake, and she wanted to do anything she could to correct it. She fought internally with herself about it.

Weed, good. Weed, bad. Weed, good? Weed, Bad? What's happening in her brain. It fluttered back and forth as she argued, eventually stopping the turmoil by slapping her hands against the bed and sitting up straight. She wanted to do something. Anything. She sought purchase across the bedsheets as she scrambled her hands across the bed and found the laptops plastic cover beneath her fingertips.

She slid the screen open and scrolled around through her social media before getting back on track and pulling up her voice notes. She wanted to practice something, and get it out of her head before it disappeared. She hit record on the voice notes and started doing a couple scales before finally moving onto the verse in her head.

'Calling them incompetent 'cause I might need control, Recovering perfectionist, I'm learning to let go'

She could imagine the growl in the background behind her voice as she said it. It's how she felt. Releasing control to the universe and letting it to whatever it does. It felt extremely restless, and a real hair pulling process. Every piece of her screamed that it was wrong, she was supposed to be the one who was supreme control over her life.

But currently, she had to let that go. She couldn't control a stab wound and she couldn't control Everette. The only person she can control is herself, and it was one of the hardest things she had to do. To try to accept what happened to her, and move on from it. It felt impossible. It was a constant living nightmare that she couldn't wake up from no matter how hard she tried.

She recorded a few more words that popped into her head before she stopped recording and pulled the laptop closer to her lap. She pulled up her notes on her iCloud and started to write out some of what she was thinking. She wanted to make some sort of a post on social media, and add a vague reference to the song.

She knew she would write it. She'd jot it down slowly over the course of a week before she'll have people haul the musical equipment into her room so she can perfect it. She could imagine this song sung over a guitar, with a nice alt beat to her. Something in her had changed recently, and maybe it was just the life altering event she went through, but she felt like she was truly in a new era.

That was why it felt so crushing that she couldn't do anything with it. She couldn't record any visualizers or music videos, and she couldn't do any big red carpet events for it. All the things she had planned previous were taken away, and left before her was nothing, and copious amounts of time to think.

Thinking about her life, thinking about her past, and thinking about her future. It was her future that scared her the most. She didn't normally stop to think about what was happening next, but after what happened, she found that she couldn't live in the moment anymore. Another thing stolen from her.

She was stuck thinking about what will be, not what could have been. She didn't care what could have been. Alex almost died. She did die, she told herself. She didn't have time to sit there wondering about all the missed opportunities anymore, and she couldn't focus on the mistakes she made. It felt like they were all so small in comparison to everything else that could one day happen.

The media events, and press releases. The red carpets, and gala's. The parties, and the people she'd go with. The music she would one day release, and the art that would one day follow it. The relationships she will form with people, and the distances she will go. That's where her mind laid. It rested in the future, in what could one day be a reality if she just tried hard enough.

She'd have many appointments in the future, and she knew that limited her to the hotel in some sense. She'd always have to stay home for a certain period of time, likely a few months. It'd be two more week of stitches until they get removed, and then Alex wouldn't be limited in her range of motion. She'd still have to be careful, but nothing was stopping her. In one week, she'd be off of the drugs. She could well and truly get clean.

As she was thinking about this, she saw the lights under her doors get darker as if someone were standing here, and then a knock was placed at the door. It's something she never really thought about before, somebody knocking at her door, but currently it filled her with copious amounts of joy. There was nothing stopping her from interacting with people the way she craved.

Oliver slowly made his way into the room holding a couple of books in one arm, and a plate of food in his other hand. "I brought you stuff" he said out as he meandered over to the couch, sitting down. "Wow, thanks." Alex replied, standing up from her position in the bed. She swung her legs over the soft plush blankets and pushed herself to stand.

She grabbed ahold of her IV cart and dragged it along with her. "You got me books? I've got a lot of books upstairs." She said out as she approached the man and sat down. He shook his head in amusement before handing her the plate of food. "Eat"

His eyes had more of a spark to them today. They looked more lively, and less depressed. He seemed happy. The bags under his eyes had worn away from sleep and he was dawned in his usual white button up shirt and tie, with a pair of black pants. Alex took the plate from him and eyed it up. "It's a sandwich. You like sandwiches. Eat it."

She raised an eyebrow at him before taking a bite. It was turkey and swiss with lettuce, and the crust had been removed. It was a simple act of kindness that Alex appreciated. It tasted good and she could feel the leafy greens turning to energy as she swallowed. "There. Happy?"

He nodded in return. "Yes. Now look at these books. They're by a writer I really enjoy and I figured you haven't read any of the ones up there, so they must really suck." He had a sense of joy in his voice as he spoke out, displaying the different book covers as he did so. "That aren't bad, they're just autobiographies and that isn't really my style. I like something with substance."

Oliver lifted a blue book with yellow wording across it. It said 'When The Days Meet The Night' and it had an author on the title that she didn't recognize. "This one has substance. I mean, they all do, but this ones really lore heavy. You would probably like it." He handed it over to the girl before picking up a different book. "This one is a romance genre which isn't really my taste, but Waverly used to love them"

This was the first time Oliver had mentioned his fiancée to Alex since they had been out to dinner that one night. She grabbed the book and analyzed the cover of it. It was a cartoon art style with two people on the front. There were lines dotted all around them, reminiscent of string theory. She held the book between her hands firmly.

"I'll read them" Alex said out, meeting Oliver's eyes as she did so. It was a passionate moment between the two, and she could feel it in the air. It felt sweet and sugary, but different from the way it is with Avery. It was more carefree and effortless, like there was no question about it. It was beautiful to Alex, and she savored every moment. "Good" Oliver replied. "They're good books."

Alex let the silence fall between the two for a moment. She loved whenever this happened. It was a space for her and Oliver to just exist with each other in peace, with no interruptions coming their way. Nobody broke the silence this time, just a soft gaze between the two. It lasted for minutes before one of them looked away, but Alex couldn't tell who because she was busy lost in her thought.

Oliver was so willing to share a piece of his love life with her, so openly. It made her heart swell and she could feel a tingling in her stomach. The way he's willing to be open about Waverly was sweet, and he didn't have to do that. He could've shut Alex down that night, but he didn't. He also could've shut her down in the hospital, but she didn't. Alex thought it meant something.

There was a small piece of herself that told her that she couldn't allow herself to get close to him, but all the other pieces of her screamed for him. To hold him close, and inhale his scent. Be near him as much as possible. Alex wanted to be in his life, and she didn't know if he felt the same way.

0 notes

nixx-journal · 6 months

Text

im 27 now. yuck im old, im nearly 30 and still in the same room i wa sin at 16. granted im working full time now (3 jobs almost 4 LMFAO)just to get a few bags here and there in unrelated fields, so i can move onto other life projects. im also dating and its nice, but i dont like how it takes time away from other things i need to be focusing on, i hate getting calls to go do xyz to maintain the relationship, when i need to maintain myself. ive been wanting to call it quits since we met almost 2 yrs ago now LMFAO. but i like having ~something~ social to do w someone whos ok at best in terms of getting along with americans.

my relationship w mom is same old same fucking old, but i dont tolerate her bulshit anymore and can function without ackloweding her. this is my 1st journal log since my sister died, and mom sent me to the er; these happened within the same month btw ~2 weeks apart and i hate november even more now. ive accepted shes gone but my still goes wtf do u mean my sister is dead? it weighs heavy on me andi think of her everyday, then conclude my thoughts with how much i hurt her + i didnt know her true struggles + the last few times i saw her and all the red flags, then i return to my present. day in day out like laundry in the wash. its odd. but i want my thoughts of her to be the happy times too, ill have to revisit those moments from childhood since we didnt speak much as a teenager--fucking idiot me. oh well, what can i do now.

im making money and just had that frontal lobe fully develop, so i just work to make money, i dont draw for money anymore/stream but oh do i have dreams that i will. so ill work on that too.

my conclusions: i just keep on keeping on, im more "solid" now in how i approach things and do things inever thought i would --like 1 of my jobs which is hella ez but gross-- and i just remeber its for a bag to move things along. i can make dreams, but only i can make them reality. so build girl. build.

#3/20/224 @6:24pm

0 notes

behindbrowneyezz · 1 year

Text

It's funny how time changes things isnt it? One minute you're super close to everyone around you, you're busy with work, extra activies, extra chores, maybe you try to sleep in an extra few days that month...then before you know so many things have changed. I feel bad that tomorrow is Indys birthday tomorrow and no one is really trying to hang out. I just feel like over the last year shes done nothing but expect us all to do what SHE wants...now everyone's tired and dont want to go and spend a ton of money on a night out when we can be at home doing the same for not even half the price. I love her, but life is hard as it is. WHY can't she be a better friend to us all? I'll never get it. Weve all been so nice to her as well and i think she just MUST have control, but the thing is we all just want to be able to be ourselves. I feel bad, i feel like Sarah is always going to break down and do what she wants...even Fernando. Im pretty sure that's why she gets upset with me, because the second i feel like youre trying to be in control of me..or make me feel less then, i just wont come around. Its actually that simple for me. I have such a hard time being around most women that are older then me. I also feel like mr. dub is literally constantly lying to me. I cant stand it. Ive never met someone so exhausting to be around besides my own blood relatives. i suppose that's used to draw me to him. I used to love how much he reminds me of my father. ..now all it does is stress me out. Its a drag actually. Looking back im not even sure why i clinged on so tight, besides the fact that he truly reminds me of my dad. the devil. I hope one day i can forgive them both for all the pain they have caused me over the years. It's even more exhausting to constantly relive through all that pain. I think my dad used to be one hell of a man. He was full of courage, love, and excitement. He hated people but he would give the shirt off his back if he felt like he should. Sometimes i wonder what really happened in his head in 2010...what made him so unhappy all of a sudden...was it really his marriage to Angela? Was it money? Did he really hate all of us at home all the time? or did he hate the fact that we weren't home enough? I wish he wouldn't of shoved me away so much. Some days its hard to love myself because i wonder why he raised me to be someone he was going to hate for the rest of his life. Its funny too, considering he never can go a week without talking his mommy. Yet, he expects his own children to be able to live a life without him, any guidance, etc. I wish i didn't hate him, I wish i could just forget about him completely. Anyway, more on that later...

Also, why the fuck are men so God damn gross?! AND fucking just pathetic most days. I truly dont get it. NO one wants to see you little dick, no one wants to hear about your stupid fantasies, no one gives a fuck about what you look like without a shirt and pants on. I mean good grief....The amount of guys that grossly still hit me up from high school...talking about 'wow i would love to see you, ya know i had a big crush on you back then' like yea yea yea sure sure sure...baby go get off somewhere else and leave me alone. I find it sad. Maybe guys really do have that hard of a time to find someone that they can sleep with on the regular...but truthfully they shouldnt be hitting people up from 10 years ago because they are horny. Its disgusting and sad. SO SO sad. Yall need Jesus. Well thats all for now, im going to go shower and maybe cut my babies hair. <3

you're loved, you dont need your dad or any other man for that matter to tell you otherwise. IM sorry people have always let you down, maybe one day when youre gone, they will actually miss you. stay strong, keep smiling, and for the love of God, finish the lost boy tonight.

XO, Ashh

0 notes

sumbreon · 2 years

Text

just going over this whole past year, you know how it is

self harm and family death below so that gives you an idea of how its gone i guess

so january started on a nice high, i felt better than i had in a long time and then one week into january it took a complete nosedive to the lowest id felt in years. like i went from starting to talk and managing to push myself to do some stuff i wanted to/would be good for me to wanting to self harm for the first time in seven years. i was sat at work completely dissociated and got jolted out of it by an extremely vivid image of blood pouring out of my arm.

it was a double edged sword because it pushed me to finally reduce my hours at work which i really needed but like it meant i was doing real bad which really fucking sucked with how id been doing the past month. it was agreed with my boss that id start my reduced hours in april so we wouldnt have to mess around with annual leave calculation bullshit and just knowing it was coming helped but i was definitely pretty out of it for those months.

march rolls around, i have a week and a half booked off. im gonna decide on some things i want to do with my extra time after i recover mentally and then my grandmother is in hospital with some dark spot on her bladder and the care home she was in cant look after her anymore and she may have contracted covid in the hospital but its fine she didnt then michael tells me theres gonna be a band 4 coming up in pathology IT but i cant process that right now but its there in the back of my mind constantly then she gets bounced around a few care homes then shes back in hospital then it settles and shes in a care home 5 minutes away from our house but i still havent seen her in like a year and a half at this point and im wracked with guilt because what do i remember about her really? not much it feels like, i worry if shed even recognise me, what would i even say to her? but it doesnt matter because visitors are still limited and id rather my mum and aunties see her cause theyd get more out of it

then its april and my mum just snaps under her own job, i have this extra time at home but i gotta walk on eggshells cause march happened and now this and i have no idea how shes doing mentally because this family is so emotionally repressed so i just hide in my room, basically feeling kinda catatonic and just straight up lying at work like 'yeah its great!'

then may comes around and i do actually start to recover. the band 4 jobs still in the background of my mind but nothing mores been said about it but i cant not think about it. the time goes by so much faster than you think it would but i start drawing again. small canvas size just sketches nothing fancy at all just a minimum something once a week no pressure its okay

june is much the same, the plan had been recover mentally then start applying for jobs elsewhere but then the band 4 was there looming so the plan became wait and see what comes of that, i dont manage to get back to where i was at this time last year but i do my best to not hold it against myself, im getting better thats what matters

july. the band 4 goes up its all thats in my brain. i want to recind my application so i can stop worrying about it. i get the job its full time and day time hours as opposed to the 12-8 ive been doing for years but its too good an opportunity for me to pass up. its means i can get on paper IT experience

august comes around and im due to start my new job on the 8th. its the 7th i go downstairs see my mum and ask her how its going. my grandmother is dead. i start my new job and i say nothing about that, its a struggle though i dont show it im shown a few things but theyre done quickly and easy to stay on top of, i only know one person in this room, my desk is the first one you see when you come into the room so im on edge every time the door opens, i dont want to be doing this right now but sitting at home wont do me any good either so i bear it silently, the funeral is the 26th, i only mention this to my new boss because i need the day off, theres a moment of pity that i cant really deal with. i hate being pitied i know people mean well by it but it makes me bristle. its the 26th my mum starts crying as we get to the crematorium shes gripping my hand tightly and i wont let her go either, i sit there and feel the guilt about not remembering but then my great uncle starts to read her eulogy and its like 'oh. there you are. i do remember you. i remember so much of you' and then im crying too

september and october i mostly just continue to adjust to how things are, this new normal, the new job is good, my new boss is kind, i want to cry

november, the birthday month, the start of self reflection. what do i want out of life, how can i get it, who do i want to be. i never really know, i remind myself that this year has been a struggle and i do my best to be kind to myself, its birthday week and ive kept up the weekly sketching for 6 months now, i only missed one week and i dont feel bad about it. a band 5 has gone up in pathology IT, explicitly for me

its december and its come around so fucking fast, its over already. i get the band 5 we have a nice christmas. i survive. this year had such extreme highs and lows and i honestly have no idea how to like rank this year

i have come to the unfortunate conclusion that working in pathology IT will be temporary, my boss is set to retire july this year, working full time takes too much out of me so i dont have the energy to do things that i want, i miss my hours of 12-8. the plan was always stick it out for a year and see where im at but the hope was that id stay. maybe im not done adjusting but thats for the eden of june to decide.

thank you for reading i love you i hope things go well for you be kind to yourself - eden :] <3

#sumb talks #personal #sorry about the lack of punctuation but i do not feel like editing this

0 notes

waitingformyfavoritesongs · 2 years

Text

2:01 am pdt 26 November 2022 Saturday

🪐

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Adam Levine (@adamlevine)

instagram

https://christianityfaq.com/was-jesus-perfect-and-why-it-matters/

youtube

https://www.ancient-origins.net/myths-legends/tattooed-priestesses-hathor-001122

still reading 📖 this (& the other link). I read a similar one this year.

2:30 am pdt 26 November 2022 Saturday 🪐

6:06 am pdt I’m upset 27 November 2022 I left this open to add stuff - probably 24+ hours 0_o. Minutes ago Added stuff but it didn’t save even though it has automatic saving feature. I have to start all over again. Read webtoons hooves of death ☠️ Sam Bragg, sirens 🚨 lament instant miso & tangent.. something, toy story sequel from 2010 ( in movie theaters 🎭 @ the time). I’m damned either way. Woody the 🪵 wood pecker. The floor is lava. Volcano 🌋 6:13 6:15am pdt

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Adam Levine (@adamlevine)

instagram

6:28 am pdt Also found a new comic before 6am pdt. I guess it’s a sign 🪧 I’m going to die soon. Lucky 🍀 me.

https://m.webtoons.com/en/comedy/bad-signs/list?title_no=1623

6:30 am pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday 🌞 ☀️ = sol? Is this my this my solmate? Soul sole solimente Solomon = autocorrect. Anderson. 6:33 am pdt.

7:09 am pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday ☀️

if fairytales 🧚🏽‍♀️ aren’t full of sh*t (pay phone ☎️ 🎶🎵) then how would we know we aren’t seeing what’s not really there? Holograms, hallucinations, mirages, Et cetera? He’s got to be good looking because he’s so hard to see 🎵🎶 Beatles?? Princesses 👸🏻 and the worn out dancing 💃 shoes 👠 Grimm fairytales 🧚🏽‍♀️ 50 times hotter in person??? @_@ how would I know even if I saw him in person if my eyes 👀 have been messed with to deceive me??? 7:19 am pdt see/sea 🌊 season evergreen 🌲 silver creek. 😭😞😖😫😭😤🥵😵 7:22 am pdt strange monogatari 7:23 am pdt

9:29 am pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday ☀️

youtube

I wish I could go somewhere with my family where they can’t touch us. 😭 he’s going to do whatever he wants which is hurt me, f*ck other women.

blurry. 9:33 am pdt. 🦩🦚🐓🦜🦃🕊🦤 9:34 am pdt 9:35 am pdt he likes 2 rub it n my face.

saw this online ths year? Thru apple news app 📰 🗞?? I found it again thru ecosia.org ??

ive seen people use “gate” with things I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ what that means. Now that I’ve seen that “whisper sweet nothings “ to a butt line for than a month I realized that this is very seductive & it’s not as bad (referring 2 an article title - labeling his sexting as kinda lame? What he did was still BAD - bad dog 🐶! Bad boy! Bad man!! 🤬😡6:13 pm pdt) as people initially think it is. He’s basically preying on very innocent minded women. Sliding in slyly with something that can b interpreted as humorous 😭��😭😭😭😵😵😵😵😩😖😖😖😖😖😖😖🤬 & prob tricks us into our comfort zones. If he were to literally act this out, it would literally possiblyprolong titillation, draw out to thorough foreplay! It serve to become “pussygate” 🤬 bcz of its proximity to” the devil” to make out with. 🤬😡 10:06 am pdt it is in disguise 🥸. I have to imagine it to contemplate it’s potential? He’s a dog! 10:08 am pdt 🐶

10:54 am pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday

11:39 am pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday

Making out with hot guys is the worst. Funny it’s a guy asking. Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies 🎼

youtube

It’s only okay for them not us. He won’t say that out loud tho. Don’t count on him to be honest. Why would he really share like a nicolatian unless he didn’t want them anymore ?

12:03 pm pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday ☀️

youtube

looks like they had real s*x in the video .... why didn’t he marry her??

12:14 pm pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday

12:20 pm pdt 27 November 2022 incubus likes to psychologically torture me with things I cannot have Bcz he won’t allow me to have it. But he does whatever he wants. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have more than one baby daddy, but what can you do if the first one is a bad ass? Is marriage a trap for women? Is having sex with a man too soon a trap , too?! YES !! Don’t forget that!!!

12:24 pm pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday

12:29 pm pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Adam Levine (@adamlevine)

instagram

12:31 pm pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday

12:39 pm pdt tbh I think I would like to date someone (a man) up to 5 years younger (35 years old) than me. But that’s where I draw the line . & probably 1 or 2 or 3 years older than me (up to 41 years old). 12:41 pm pdt. Anyone who is rich I’d have to wonder if they sold their soul to the devil 👿 ... 🤷🏻‍♀️ 12:43 pm pdt you know Taken, Liam neeson. Why does anyone hoard money 💰? 12:44 pm pdt. Edited this part 1:35 pm pdt - to be clear about age range. When I was 18 I was interested in someone/a man 👨 5 years older than me. But now I’m older I 🔼 my mind. 1:38 pm pdt 27 November 2022 Sunday.

#Instagram #Youtube

0 notes

sylvie-writes · 3 years

Text

Dr. Husband

word count: 5278

pairing: doctor steve rogers x wife reader

warnings: talks about heat exhaustion? there’s nothing graphic, but if the hospital theme bothers you, then this isn’t the fic to read!

prompts (from @/fluffyomlette): “Your pulse is a little high. Is it because I’m holding your hand?” and “You’re not supposed to pick favourites, doc.” “Trust me, if I didn’t, you’d be dead by now.”

a/n: this just popped in my head about a month ago and i had to write it for no explainable reason. i really couldn’t think of a title oops. if you all have a better idea please tell me so i can change it lol.

please excuse any mistakes!

Summer was finally in full force, blazing sun rays beamed down on the dry ground and once gorgeous flowers drooped in dire need of water. Sounds of children playing outside, pool water splashing as a result of cannonballs, while lawnmowers whirled to life and laughter from the watching wives resounded this afternoon. In your neighborhood, it was tradition that the women would get together every other Saturday and have drinks in the cul-de-sac while their husbands had unsaid competitions of manicuring their yards. Unfortunately for you, your husband was a doctor and that meant little time for him to do the yard, and you didn’t have children at the moment that could go play with the others. The women who were your neighbors were a bit too picky choosy for your taste. They only seemed to bond over their children and sitting around home, two of which you didn’t have or do, so you weren’t ever truly invited to their day-drinking. It was actually fine with you as these people were so hot n’cold and you were just tired of trying to fit in with faux friends. You had plenty of true friends and then your husband who was a child of his own.

For three weekends so far, Steve had told you he’d cut the lawn and as much as you wanted to believe him, you knew that he was so exhausted from work and being on call a majority of the time, that he would never find the hours to do so. That was okay with you because what he did was important and you weren’t gonna be on his ass like the feds about the yard when you could easily do it yourself. It wasn’t like he was just sitting around, no, he was working so you just decided to cut the lawn yourself, something you’d done plenty of times before.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Unfortunately the day you chose to do so, the sun was out blazing and a simple walk out the door was a trip to an off-brand hell. Instead of making a wise decision and waiting to cut the grass in the evening, you chose the latter and decided to cut the grass at noon, the very time the sun was in full shine.

Dressed in attire for yard work and having already eaten a sandwich for lunch, you headed out the garage door to tackle the mess there in hopes of finding the push mower within. Steve’s father, Joseph, had given you both a lot of his lawn equipment, but the riding mower was broken at the moment and you (again) stupidly decided to push mow the almost two acre lawn. It took a good half hour to get the darned thing out on the driveway and while doing so, you noticed that your neighbors, the wives to be exact, had decided to come out for one of their occasional and somehow spontaneous get-togethers which consisted of unattended kids drawing with chalk as their mothers sat a few feet away dipping their feet in the small splash pool. You often found the idea both inventive and funny.

For only a second more did you let your attention linger on the group before returning back to fill the lawn mower with gasoline. After doing so, you tossed on a pair of sunglasses and went full steam ahead with cutting the grass, disregarding the rising, and very unsafe, temperature.

About an hour in, the temp had already risen to be above 100 and something no one should have spent any longer than half an hour in. Steve had always said you were stubborn at all the wrong times and boy was he right. You had just finished up half of the front yard and quarter of the back yard. It was mad that you were actually thinking about pushing mowing two acres, especially in this unruly weather.

You were so determined and when your mind was set on something, you let all other matters slip away, including regards for your own health. The unusual amount of sweat on your skin seemed to go unnoticed by you as well did the growing headache.

Finally, about half an hour later, more of the backyard was finished and your inner saboteur continued to influence your goals.

“Just finish this half and you will be close enough to the end,” translated into “Just finish the whole yard, you might as well since you are this close.”

This was the worst mindset to have, especially with the given circumstances as you had been out here for at least two hours, no drinks of any sort, no real breaks aside from fueling the lawn mower, and no cares to the worsening symptoms that now included noticeable dizziness.

The lawn mower eventually ran out of gas and you went to refill it once more. Making your way through the front yard, your unknown adrenaline rush came to an end along with the machine’s power. It wasn’t until your vision started to star and blur that you finally noticed your decline in health, but by then it was too late and you were on the plush and groomed grass of the front yard. Ironically, you noticed the fruits of your labor since you were currently laying on it.

Five minutes had passed since your drop to the ground and one of the ladies out in the court, Genevieve, noticed your figure, quite the contrast to the viridescent grass. Despite that she thought you were “demented” for cutting the grass yourself, she knew you weren’t unhinged, so to say, that you would just lay on the grass as it would serve no purpose to do so. She didn’t take you for a nature lover either so this was not normal.

Genevieve squatted down in the lawn, her sparkly sandals reflecting in the sea of green. Unknowing of what to do, the woman in a panic threw the back of her hand to your forehead and you burned hotter than a metal kettle. By time she stood, the other ladies had gathered around and were now circling in mass hysteria as if they were staring at a dead body and not your unconscious, yet breathing frame. Many long seconds later, Priscilla, who was Genevieve’s closest friend and who despised you as much as you did her, decided to call 911. The other moms then left to go usher their children away from what they described as a “traumatic experience” and back to their large homes for some sort of last minute luncheon.

Eventually, an ambulance arrived in your usually quiet neighborhood, something that was clearly displayed as almost every neighbor popped their heads out of their houses in sheer curiosity. Their nosey nature often bothered you but was normally put behind some sort of service act such as a baked cake or bottle of wine just to be invited into your house. You didn’t miss the way your neighbors would study your house when they were finally welcomed in. Steve was much better at hiding his cross nature and would return some compassion of his own while you struggled to bottle your annoyance and sealed it with a forced smile. As luck would have it though, you were knocked out and couldn’t give them a piece of your mind for staring because heavens know this would’ve been the last straw and no one could have stopped your rant.

It was when you were in the red wagon and being attended over by paramedics that you noticed you were on the way to somewhere that wasn’t home.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

At the hospital, the doctor and nurses hydrated you back to reality and suddenly you appeared in a bed, a doctor standing at the side with a clipboard in hand allowing your mind to draw up a million conclusions before you remembered what you had done last.

The doctor spoke a fast introduction and he then moved on to fill you in on what had happened as confusion still painted your face although when he told you Genevieve’s account of what led up to your ultimate passing out, you visibly cringed at such carelessness that ended up bringing you here. Hundreds of falls, burns, and bruises thanks to your clumsy nature, but this had to be the one thing to send you to the hospital. Some sort of twisted joke it sure was.

Moving to roll a stool to your bedside, the doctor passed you a cold bottle of water before bringing his eyes to give your IV a quick check as a nurse had put it in not too long before you awoke.

“Luckily, Mrs. Rogers, your neighbors found you in time and you only experienced severe heat exhaustion. Had you prolonged your exposure anymore you could have experienced a heat stroke. For now, I ask that you rest and I’ll come back to release you.” The doctor expressed his reassurance with a kind grin before walking out of the plain and boxy room that could make one go insane with its lack of liveliness.

Staring out the open doorway and into the empty hallway, you knew that Steve worked on this very floor, but honestly what were the chances that he’d see you? At one point he’d eventually find out about today’s mishaps, but that was a problem for later when you were more conscious and caring. Letting your worries temporarily go (something that was only happening thanks to your fatigued mind), you slightly shifted into a somewhat “comfortable” position on the stiff bed and rough cotton sheets. Albeit that there was an IV uncomfortably stuck in your arm, you fell into a much needed slumber.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Lunch break at last.

That was all that had been on Steve's mind for the past three hours which had been extremely hectic. Granted, he was used to this fast-paced workplace having worked here for almost a decade, but today was absolutely out of control with injured patients coming in left and right. It wasn’t some sort of bad omen, rather just an unlucky day for many Steve had assumed. He had just finished up with a pediatric case and was now on his way to enjoy the leftover baked chicken salsa that you had made just for him last night and packed for his lunch this morning. You knew how busy his week had been and you took the liberty to make his favorite dinner dish to compensate for the work that had left such a toll on him. A smile immediately overtook his face when he walked in the house last night and that’s when you decided that you would gladly cook anything he’d like over and over again just to see that look of adoration. As Steve held you in his arms at that moment, he kept thinking how he really didn’t deserve you and little did he know, the same thought ran in your own mind. Yet, in reality, you both went together like a puzzle piece to a puzzle. Without the piece, the picture would never be completed and without the other, you and Steve would have never enjoyed life to the fullest.

Strutting down the never ending hall, Steve passed many doors, some he had been in just a mere hour or two ago. As he walked past an open door and did a double take as he saw a patient asleep, but no sign of anyone else in the room. If he were that patient, he’d want the door shut for some privacy, something which the man highly valued, so he crossed the short distance and closed the door. He didn’t mean to look at the patient for so long as they weren’t in his care and that would be awfully creepy, but Steve could help but do a double take and noticed that the familiar face was, in fact, you. From first glance it didn’t even look like you and that was coming from the man who had studied your face just to commit it to his memory. In a loving way, of course.

He slowly walked in your room, taking in the image before him of you lying in a hospital bed. His mind had assumed that the worst thing had happened to you and for a moment, Steve’s breathing ceased and his legs were glued to the ground. As his eyes scanned over your body again, his fears were calmed when there were no visible wounds and you just seemed to be resting. Although as a doctor, he unfortunately knew anything could be possible.

Hunching over the top half of the bed, Steve smoothed your stray hairs away from your forehead and placed an awakening kiss there. You were a light sleeper a majority of the time and your spouse knew that this small action would wake, but not startle you. Every night he’d come home from work and do the same thing except then he knew you were safe and sound. Now, he was just filled with uncertainty.

“What happened?” Those were the only words he was able to get out and you gave him an answer, just not one that he was looking for. You were already getting defensive and he could sense it.

“Genevieve saw me pass out in the yard and overreacted, Steven. You know they all don’t exactly have good track records with medicine.” You rolled your eyes at the last statement remembering how your neighbors have often nonchalantly tried to get Steve to diagnose them when it came to something as simple as a scrape. Then again, all of your neighbors were in the business industry so that explained their lack of medical knowledge or at least that is the excuse you drew up for them.

“Nice try, (y/n), but you do have a medical chart and it’s over there,” Steve pointed over his shoulder and towards the doorway where a plastic chart holder sat mounted on the cream wall. “You didn’t just pass out, and the neighbors did not overreact. They did the right thing despite how much I know you hate that. Now, either you tell me the truth or I go read that file.” His tone was serious, but not condescending. Hidden in his eyes was a tad sprinkle of mischief.

Stubborn as ever, you didn’t respond and folded your arms over your chest in a form of defiance.

Against what is probably legal, Steve picked up your medical chart to read what had happened as you wouldn’t disclose the information to him. Your husband was a worry-wart sometimes and while you appreciated how he doctored you when you were sick, he could be a bit overbearing. A great example would be the time when you were cooking dinner and burned your forearm when taking the casserole out of the oven.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

“Babe, dinner is ready!”

The timer on the oven was currently beeping and you walked towards it. Turning off both the oven and the timer, you grabbed a short oven mitt and reached in to grab the casserole dish off the top rack. As you did so, you lifted your arm a bit too high and hit the side of your forearm on the interior roof of the oven. The temperature was ridiculously hot and the pain was immensely strong that you immediately pulled your arm back, the casserole long forgotten.

Steve came running in at your string of curses and came in to see you holding your arm and hissing a bit as if that would relieve the pain. He walked closer to you as you leaned up against the island. Your husband delicately took your arm in his hand, raking his eyes over the burn that was soon to blister.

After a short inspection, Steve placed his other hand on the small over your back and led you to the sink, flipping on the cold water and running it over your burn. Out of the corner of his eye, Steve could see you squeezing your own eyes shut in pain.

“I know, sweetheart, it hurts, I’m sorry.” He continued to rinse your scalded skin, but turned his head to sweetly kiss your temple.

A few minutes passed and Steve was content with the rinse job as you had finally opened your eyes, even engaging in some of your jokes that were always said at the wrong time. From the kitchen, the man guided you down the hallway, through your bedroom and into your joined bathroom. He sat you on the edge of the bathroom tub while rummaging through your unorganized medicine cabinet. It was barely ever touched and when it was, it was often in a state of panic hence the messiness of it. Fortunately, Steve found a tube of bacitracin and some cotton dressings from God knows how long ago. At this point he could care less and would rather have you cared for.

You curiously watched him as he dug through the cabinet and a loving smile grew on your face. How lucky were you to have this man. You were really appreciative of him in times like these especially.

Said man returned and crouched before you, distracting you from your thoughts as he softly grabbed your hand once more.

The doctor worked his magic and in no time was your arm wrapped up and lathered in ointment.

“Wow Doc, you did a great job.” Steve was still holding your hand as you quietly giggled in content. He placed a kiss on top of your knuckles and peered up at you with those gorgeous (and borderline seductive) sapphire eyes. Chuckling, Steve murmured against your skin, “Only for my favorite patient.”

As always, you decided to play along with Steve’s playful banter. “You’re not supposed to pick favorites, doc.”

Your husband knew your clumsy nature and seemed to have the perfect response, “Trust me, if I didn’t, you’d be dead by now.”

With your non-injured hand you went to hit his shoulder and he grabbed it in faux hurt.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

“You know, Dr. Rogers, that is a violation and I can actually report you for it.” You lifted your line of sight to see Steve who looked back at you with his lips pressed in a fine line. He shook his head disapprovingly after reaching the end of the report and now looked like he was going to sit back in the seat beside your bed.

“Hey, what are you doing? They already examined me and I am about to get released.” The man ignored you and instead leaned over the flimsy bed railing. Steve rubbed his hands together in a warming manner before placing two fingers on your next in an attempt to find your pulse. He unfortunately carried that common trait among doctors of having hands that were colder than that of a penguin’s ass. You knew very well this pulse check was useless as you were in conditional health and that he was probably doing this to annoy you.

“Well I like to do a check of my own. It never hurts to get a second opinion, darling.” Blue eyes squinted at you and you returned the patronizing gesture.

The free hand that was not on your neck had found its way to hold your own hand and when your husband pulled back, he wore a smug smirk on his lips.

“Your pulse is a little high. Is it because I’m holding your hand?”

“You know, your shoulders must hurt from carrying such a big head all the time.” Steve had the nerve to laugh at your elementary grade insult and even though you weren’t really mad, your face would have said otherwise to anyone else.

“So I’ll take that as a yes then, wifey.” He then quickly dropped to press a chaste kiss to your lips before releasing your hand and sitting down in the chair.

Looking to the clock on the wall, you focused your vision on the distant numbers to read that it was most likely Steve’s lunch break.

“Are you spending your lunch break with me?” Your tone was now sweet and soft as it usually was towards Steve and his heart leaped at the progress being made.

“It seems that I am. ‘Was really looking forward to that chicken salsa, though.” A heap of blonde hair rested on your hand that Steve had now laid his head against, still holding tight with both of his own hands. You giggled at his dramatics and ruffled a free hand through his greasy hair.

“I haven’t eaten anything, you think you could spend your lunch break with me?” His head popped up at this and his face held the eagerness of an energetic puppy.

“Of course, sweetheart. We can head to the cafeteria. Hopefully they have something good for my girl.” It was now your turn for your heart to swell at his words. Not even a second later though, the sentimental moment was replaced with Steve’s usual sarcastic humor.

“See, I love you so much that I am willing to sacrifice my precious chicken salsa just to have lunch with you. You should be grateful to have me as your husband.” Steve’s pearly whites beamed at you in a cheesy smile and you gave a dismissive wave of your hand.

The two of you talked and enjoyed the rare time together for the next ten minutes until Steve noticed you shifting to sit up against the pillows. He thought nothing of it until suddenly you were throwing your legs over the side of the bed and making to get out of the so called cotton prison.

Waving a finger, Steve tutted you and hurriedly scooped your legs back onto the bed. You looked absolutely peeved and Steve knew it was from the way that he was treating you like a child or better yet, a patient. His wife, the fighter and he, the doctor. Two unlikely personalities but ones that worked best together nonetheless. This made Steve laugh whenever he thought about it.

“You can get up the minute you get released by the doc, okay?” Caring eyes now gave you a pleading look and you felt a small tinge of guilt crawling up your chest at how mean you had been to your husband when he has only been trying to help.

A knock on the wooden door signaled a visit from the one person you had been waiting on for what seemed to be ages.

“Speak of the devil.” Muttering the phrase so only Steve could hear you gave him an “I told you so” kind of look.

The Doctor looked up from the same clipboard as earlier to greet you once he made it in through the doorway, but he was surely surprised by the figure sitting in the chair beside you.

“Oh Dr. Rogers, what a surprise! So this is your wife I presume? I guess I should have put two and two together,” Your doctor of the moment laughed with Steve who added in a chuckle or two of his own.

“Yep, this is Mrs. Rogers!” Steve didn’t look at you, but lovingly squeezed your hand that was resting against his, “We are quite the handful so I am surprised you couldn’t tell that she was my other half.” A snicker ended his words and you couldn’t help but do the same.

Once the short introductions were over, the doctor walked over to do a speedy final exam on what was necessary as Steve watched from the sidelines still getting used to the idea of not being the one doing the examination. He hadn’t been in any other position in the hospital for such a long time that it took some time to get used to the fact that he wasn’t the one diagnosing and rather waiting for the diagnosis.

The doctor pulled away from hovering over you and now sat back on his rolling leather stool, scooting his way over to the computer and desk.

“Well I must say, (y/n), that you definitely live up to some of the stories your husband tells.” The other man in the white coat finished up his typing before turning back around to face you and his colleague.

“Ah, I hope he’s giving me some good street cred,” You teased and from the side you saw Steve shaking his head and chuckling under his breath.

“I assure you that they were all good things.” With that, the doctor formally released you, walking out of the room to give you some time to redress and such.

You went to get out of the bed for the nth time, but finally succeeded. Your legs felt a bit wobbly upon the first step, and Steve noticed this. He came up to stand beside you and placed a hand on your lower back with the other out in front in case you did fall. Placing your own hand on his scrub clad chest to steady yourself, you silently thanked him with a tender pat.

With Steve’s guidance, you went to change out of the wretched paper gown and into your shorts and shirt from working outside. It wasn’t exactly the most flattering outfit but at this moment you could care less for the only thing on your mind was getting out of this room.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

The ride in the elevator seemed to move slower than a snail and almost stopped on every floor. You were so crammed by the time you were only on the fifth floor that you used this as an excuse to lean up against Steve. He rubbed your arm and enveloped you in a side hug and planted a kiss on your head. The two of you never cared for PDA but neither of you had realized the onlooking eyes.

You found it mildly comedic when some of your fellow passengers seemed disgusted that a doctor was handling a patient in such a way. It was definitely gonna be a joke for later on.

Eventually you made it to the first floor and begrudgingly pushed yourself out of Steve’s warm embrace when the smell of garlic bread hit your nose.

“Huh, they never cook spaghetti around here. They must know we have a special guest today.” Steve pressed his lips against your ear to jokingly whisper to you as he ushered you out the elevator doors.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

Standing in line with a plastic tray at the cafeteria made you have flashbacks to middle school lunch and you shuddered at the thought. The memories played back in your mind like a movie and were interrupted (much to your relief) when Steve tapped your shoulder.

“You want this?” Steve held one of the plastic salad containers in hand, the white sleeve of his lab coat draped on top of the other stacked bowls in the open air freezer.

You nodded and he placed it on your tray, slightly bumping your hips as he walked past to grab a drink.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

For a good twenty minutes, you and Steve sat in comfortable silence in one of the booths until clicking clogs came closer and closer. So close that a shadow loomed over your table conveying that someone was here to speak.

“Dr. Rogers, I don’t think it’s entirely wise of you to have lunch with your patient. Actually, it’s quite inappropriate.” The older woman in burgundy scrubs pointed her gaze to the hospital band on your wrist and both you and Steve started laughing upon noticing. So that explained all the weird looks.

“Oh no, Dr. Williams! This is my wife (y/n),” You politely beamed up at the woman and set out your hand for a handshake. At this, her unenthusiastic expression changed to one of apologetic and she shook your hand with much grief as Steve continued on with his introductions.

“(y/n), this is Dr. Williams. She is the medical director for my department.”

“Wow! I’ve heard many wonderful things about you, Dr. Williams.” She went to return the praise before a beeping in her coat pocket signaled the time for her departure.

“Duty calls, but I’ll have you know this one here never shuts up about you. It was nice to finally put a face to a name, (y/n),” You glanced at Steve and noticed he was sheepishly grinning and turning redder by the second. So much so that he was hiding his face in his palms.

““I hope you have a quick recovery as well, hon!” The standing woman gave you a nod of her head and then turned to your husband whose face had finally regained its color. “As for you Steven, I will see you later. You have another resident to deal with today.” Dr. Williams sighed at the thought, waving you both goodbye and soon enough she was out the double doors of the lunch room.

“Ooh babe you’ll have to tell me how all of that goes.” Spooning some spaghetti into your mouth, you goofily raised your eyebrows at Steve.

“Trust me, it is not fun at all. When I was a resident, I would have never acted like some of the people I’ve trained!”

You snorted, “Uh huh. Sureee.”

“No really,” Steve’s eyes widened and he leaned over the table like he was sharing some sort of secret with you, “The audacity of some of these people.”

“I think you are just an old man now, Stevie, and can’t keep up with the times.” The blond screwed up his eyes and stuck his tongue out at you.

“Oh hush and finish your food, Miss. ‘I am soooo young’.” A napkin flew at Steve’s chest and the two of you laughed at the childish antics that had just ensued.

Just as both of your styrofoam containers became empty, an unpleasant ringer sounded in Steve’s pocket, just like the one of Dr. Williams’s departure. Once he gave the screen a swift peek, he looked back up at you with a long face.

“You gotta go?” Golden strands bobbed up and down as Steve nodded and you grabbed his hand.

“It’s alright! Thank you for spending the time with me today, though. I really appreciate it. Thanks for putting up with me, you know how I am sometimes.”

The larger hand encompassing yours gave a sympathetic squeeze.

“Oh darling, anytime, you know that. If you need anything, call me okay? I will try my best to answer.”

The temporary silence that filled the room was now replaced by annoying buzzing from the device that Steve had silenced for the moment. He irritability took it out and shoved it back in his pocket. Normally this didn’t bother Steve because this was his job, but since you were here, having just been sick, he wanted nothing more than to drop everything and focus on you. Knowing that was impossible, he tried his best to juggle both yet it seemed that the world wasn’t gonna wait on him.

“Do you want me to call Ma to come get you? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind. Her and Dad love your company.” For the moment, Steve appeared to look like he was ignoring the constant beeping, but you knew internally he was already out of the cafeteria and sprinting down the halls.

“No no, I’m fine, honey,” The doctor stared at you as if he didn’t believe you. “I mean it, Steve. I am fine. Now shoo.”

Dr. Rogers shared another laugh with you before pecking your lips and running out the room shouting, “I’ll see you later!”

He really was too good for this world.

༻﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡﹡༺

a/n: i really enjoyed writing for doctor!steve, so if anyone has any ideas that involves him and that you’d like me to write, send it in! <3

taglist (is open!): @memissbee @tricereads @buckybarnesthehotshot @bval-1 @tonystankschild @just-one-ordinary-fangirl @turtoix @kelbabyblue @jakiki94 @aubreeskailynn @calirindo @lady-elena-adeline @siriuslyslyslytherin @sushiinmidnight @patzammit @iwik3it

#Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers headcanon #steve rogers x y/n #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans characters #doctor steve rogers #doctor steve rogers x wife reader

302 notes · View notes