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autisticempathydaemon · 3 months ago

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sorry if this is a lil long (￣□￣;)!!

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

there are a few albums (igor, damn., songs) ive been listening to on loop for a few weeks now, but if i were to narrow it down to one song it would be “forwards beckon rebound” by adrianne lenker ^_^. i liked it when i first listened to the album in full but then found out my boyfriend liked it, so i LOVE it now.

What is your Enneagram type?

INFP-T, 4w3

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

i LOVE them!! i really enjoy jacob geller’s video essays, specifically his video “how can we bear to throw anything away?”. i think its SUPER cool and very poetically justifies my hoarding. though for GARGANTUAN, i like flawed peacock’s 7 hour and 42 minute video on “who’s lila”, which i still havent finished.

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

when i was around 9 i used to be called “daffodil” when teased so i turned daffodil into my alter ego and spoke to her with pure hatred

What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

most of the time i scroll and scroll and scroll until im about to pass out from exhaustion, but when im NOT doing that, either put on music or a sleep aid audio n stare at my ceiling til i fall asleep.

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

im trans and have been out to my friends for around 3-4 years now, and i changed my name to my current one due to dissatisfaction with my previous name choice and my fixation on the character i named myself after.

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why?

ashers 2021 hbs. its so sweet and silly and full of love <3 i love asher and i love fluff :3

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.)

guy. hes alright but i just dont see the appeal character-wise. hes kind of just erik’s self-insert or low-effort character which is great for him but not that interesting for me.

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

book + movie: the perks of being a wallflower, and tv show: brooklyn 99. i was DEEPLY into tpobaw a few months ago and finished the book (with annotations) in 4 days. charlie kelmeckis is me!! as for b99, its my comfort show and i’ve rewatched it at least 6 times in full.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

caelum :3 i need to hug him asap!! need to bake with him!!

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.)

no specific topic, but ill start talking about how much i love something or someone. tired me is very loving. according to my best friend i talk a lot about my boyfriend when im sleepy.

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

diet coke and ice cream ^_^

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

there are a few, but my top three are a playlist containing every alex g song i like, a playlist full of love songs of all different genres and artists, and a playlist i made in 2022 when i was into more obscure rock ^_^. but mostly i listen to adrianne lenker or kendrick lamar on shuffle.

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why?

video essays talking about drake vs kendrick. i swear ive watched over a hundred videos related to that drama, mostly cause i love kendrick so much and have been a drake hater since 2015.

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!

im a big lover of the arts!! both visual (i draw both traditionally and digitally, and have tried painting) and musical (big music fan + very amateur singer and guitarist). i really like movies, but i like movie analysis youtube videos more! in that same vein, i love horror media but am too scared most of the time to actually consume it, so i watch a lot of horror explanation or analysis videos.

im an extremely awkward person to talk to, like severely. also i like minecraft a lot, avid hermitcraft watcher.

Type Fours are so lovely, so internally complex and magnificent and creative despite and perhaps in conjunction with their introversion. I think a fellow introvert would especially appreciate that about you- Anton, specifically.

Another reason I like y’all together is this enneagram type (and MBTI) tends to be very feelings based, very pathos motivated, and that would contrast from Anton whose life and job are so technical, so logos-y. You bring so much light and verve into his life; whenever he sees art, he thinks of you and how it would make you feel. You make him think more about how he feels, you know? The art you create and the way you experience art, the way you enjoy things, makes him marvel.

And you do love to enjoy things with him, to show new things and movies and shows, because his marvel in turn makes things even more fun for you! Anton strikes me as the type of guy who knows nothing about pop culture if left alone, so you get to show him everything. He likes Brooklyn Nine Nine a lot more than he thought. (Terry is his favorite; he also likes yogurt and wants to be a girl dad.) He doesn’t give a single shit about the Kendrick/Drake beef but you’re so animated when you talk about it, he listens raptly. He doesn’t really enjoy horror, but it doesn’t scare him either so he’s a comforting presence whenever you decide to try watching some.

Song:

A volcano erupted/ And the stars fell one by one/ And finally I'm done right/ And it's a kite trapped in my mind/ But I don't mind/ I think of your hands on my body/ And they feel nice/ Just one more night

(Thank you again, Spotify Artist Radios, because I don’t listen to a lot of folk! This is a new song for me!) I chose this one for you and Anton because of the phrase “velvet kind of mood”, because it makes me think of how Anton’s love would tactile-y feel- warm, plush, heavy like a weighted blanket and just as comforting. The lyric “just one more night” also made me think of Anton holding onto you the night before he leaves, so I could not resist.

Runner-ups:

Geordi is the first runner-up that came to mind because he strikes me as the most… artistically inept of the redacted bois if you will- thus, he would feel the most awe and reverence and your prowess. Plus, I like to headcanon him as trans, and we love a t4t couple. Asher is my favorite runner up for you though, but I can’t quite word why. I think it’s something about his extrovert energy against yours.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

#redactedasmr #redactedverse #redacted asmr #redactedaudio #redacted audio #redacted #busybee matches

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kaleidosouls · 1 year ago

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SU reclaimed pearl rambles

im gonna use some annoying comments i got on my reclaimed pearl as a springboard for what i think could be interesting discussion because i think its good to engage with criticism/different opinions. but also if you talk to me like an asshole i want you to fuck off and i promised i wouldnt engage in that kind of stuff bc its not good for me and it doesnt Look good for me either.

so i can talk about my thoughts but not engage directly, win win. its been months but im still really fond of the pearl i made specially this art. like it coudl be better but i like it well enough. just a little header so this isnt a boring post with only text

i think like, its good to establish ground rules that like, i think most of the poor reactions ive seen towards my art were missing, mostly in bad faith probably but in case theres ppl who earnestly want to understand. actually maybe i can format it like a little FAQ even though theyre not frequent or asked lskdjg just for outlining my points. ill put it behind a cut but ill frontline w this: if youre a fan of pearl in the show, this content is not for you. youre allowed to like whatever you want and so am i. if you like her, we probably wont get along and you probably will feel very personally irritated by how i FEEL about her, so just walk away now. im not gonna engage with petty shit taht juts boils down to 'im mad you dont like what i like'

onwards to more rambling / sorta responding to some criticism

i scrolled back and i guess i sorta never have actually done a proper full explanation post about this AU have i? or maybe i have and deleted it, i forgor

why did you change pearl?

because i hate her, simple as. i went from a huge SU fan to hating watching it (i did finish) and pearl is probably The biggest reason why, as like issues with her character seep into other aspects of the show that i also hate. like i mean i Realyl hate her. she makes the experience of watching the show really irritating and miserable for me. if you dont feel taht way about her thats totally normal and whatever but no one is gonna change my experience and feelings that i had watching SU since the 1st season was coming out.; anyway answering. there is a Lot i love about SU and want to engage with, so i had the idea of like,maybe ill just change pearl, cause i wanted to delete her, really, but she is one of the main characters and she hasa function as a character that you cant just do away with. essentially im just like, some guy, who draws, coping and trying to reclaim his teenage investimetn in this show. literally its just for ME. but if anyone else feels like i do, then they can enjoy it too. if somoene doesnt feel like i do, go watch like pearl fancams or smth. like ill never be able to literlaly change the show as it is, like its happened, and its a tragedy im trying to move on from (begrudgingly)

why do you hate pearl?

the long laundry list of reasons are probably apparent in the ways i remade her lol (theyre not i can tell ppl are gonna project whatever worst bad faith reason for any change i make) but tbh the core of it is this, which is like, beyond whatever traits she has and whatever: she reminds me of my abusers. always had, from season 1, but like it became worse as the series went on. its like really infurating and upsetting to watch SU bc of her. had my abusers been a different kind of person, maybe i wouldnt hate her so much (kinda doubt tbh). like her personality and behavior are like hough disgosting!!

why did you change (some physical trait about her design)?

i dont really necessarily have a PROBLEM with canon pearls design. over the years ive come to like SU's style less and less but like, gestures, whatever. like i didnt like it or anything but its not like a bit deal compared to the actual offender that is her personality and behavior. the reason i redesigned her at all is bc like, if i hadnt, i would still be thinking about the way she is in canon all the time. like ive visually associated her like, appearance with all the shit about her thta makes me upset so i had to so she didnt look like the same person anymore, and i can try to let go of some of the hatred in my heart. like i want to think about the thigns about SU that i loved and also the potential i always saw in it and canon pearl is like, an active obstacle to that, to the point taht i cant even see her without getting like irked. i tried to keep enough similar traits so from a glance youd be like, who the fuck- is that pearl? rather than like. completely change her entirely to whatever i wanted. i do want to like, its a creative exercise. i want to try and change the things that would make me happy to see gone but try to work within the constraints of the SU we Did get as much as i can tolerate. bc like.... if the sky was the limit then at this poin wed just have to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch. like its kinda not really very salvageable, like im not rewirting SU to be like a Good show or fix Everything, its kinda too broken. im just chnaging enough so i can look at the actual show, screenshots, songs etc, and not feel overcome wtih like the grief and irriatation of how much it sucked ass. its just so i can enjoy more of it again

i dont like your redesign for (insert reason)

cool. thanks for your input. youre welcome! eat my asshole. seriously though, like, shrugs. i didnt make it for anyone other than myself. tbh im not fully satisfied with it either bc i think the SU style is kinda ugly, so im at a crossroads. should i mostly abandon the SU style? ive like, tested out tweaking things, it mightve been noticeable in screenshot redraws. drawing within the SU style is to create that coping 'oh it was totally like this haha' vibe but maybe im old enough to not need that anymore lol. like ive heard ppl say shit like shes ugly, or like sneakily trying to imply im like, got some agenda over beauty or racism etc. like whatever, think whatever you want, its not for you. go back to sucking up to rebecca or smth like i cant take the og pearl away from you still i am open for like that kind of criticism like, do i have personal biases affecting my design decisions? probably. i do try to keep aware of why im choosing certain things, but really in this case i cant emphasize enough how like, irritating it is that i have to change her design at all. like its hard to come up w smth else when the rest of the cast ahs already been design to balance off the og pearl. i probably wouldnt change almost anything if the sight of her didnt piss me the fuck off! most of all i kinda wouldve preferred to keep her hair short bc it messes up the sillouete but it makes me think too much of canon pearl so i made it long :/ i was like let me tell you my design thought process: -im gonna try to keep as many recognizable traits about her design while taking away bit by bit until she doesnt look like the og pearl to me anymore and i dont feel angry seeing her. pearl is lanky, tall, spindly, with a gem on the forehead, blue white pink yellow pastel colors, large pointed nose. i kinda tried to keep these traits while slightly tweaking their design until she looked different enough. is it a good design? eh idk. like the purpose is to make me not hate her and it does that job

now this hate comment im gonna grace with keeping it intact except removing the person bc its not about them. its like, a very stupid ass headed comment but im actually kind of interested in like,jumping off of it to ponder some things

im not heterosexual or cis enough to know what exactly wife bate means in this context so im gonna like guess, that maybe i could extract this q from that reply (also not looking like shes from steven universe is a compliment thanks)

you took away her personality and made her boring

the only thing i can assume is that like, some people must interpret the absence of an assholey personality or like abusive behavior is 'boring'. i know thats a really bad faith assumption but like, if ive written down a bunch of personality traits and you still come out saying thats 'no personality' what am i to make of that lol. based on my experience like Existing online, people tend to often call nice characters 'boring', like dude ive done it before, but i think im kinda over that edgy phase. also again, its for me and not for you so if you think shes boring, thanks for your input i dont care. but thinkign about it earnestly, i dfeintely dont want to make a character thats just no flaw and not interesting ofc, i havent done that with reclaimed pearl. that being said i havent like, probably written a lot demonstrating what i want her to be like instead of the canon pearl so, maybe ppl just are feeling lost with the lack of information.

personally, if i hear someone thinks a character is boring bc theyre not abusive anymore like, nothing of value has been lost. but characters do need flaws in order to create conflict and cause things to happen, like in a way canon pearl is like All flaw, which wouldnt be a problem except she gets away wtih all the horrible shit she did. heres some traits i want to explore with reclaimed pearl, some are similar to canon i just wanna go about it a different way: being overprotective/possessive to steven in a smothering way, projecting abandonment issues, not reaching out/communicating her emotions properly, lacking indepedence/self worth, depending on others to avoid confronting her own issues, being very passive and insecure and lacking initiative (this being the totally opposite trait that canon pearl has), stunting stevens development due to her not being ready for him to grow up and not need her anymore. and more, this is just from the top of my head. maybe thats still too 'boring' for ppl because shes not being selfish and inconsiderate enough to others so you can relate to her but i dont care :p

gosh how do i go about like, presenting the content i ahve in my head for this AU).. i cantjust remake the whole damn show. i would if i could, tbh

i have concerns about racist implications wrt (insert thing here about my redesign)

imma be frank. i dont know how to compltely 'clean up' any possible bad associations wrt pearl as a character given how like, rebecca has literally like, made her to be a slave in love with her slave owner and made it to be like, an uwu ideal lesbiab thing for most of the show until they tried to pretend no we understood the flaws in this dynamic all along and its bad actually , uhh, anyway shows over haha

ill say the main reason i changed her skintone is, bc that would be the like most instant way to make her look differnt from canon (which is vital for me for the reasons said above), and i did consider like, does this make the whole thing worse, or, ?? like, as they made it in the show, techincally All the gems are slaves to the diamonds, arent they? including all the very totally progressive poc based gems including and specially the ones who are made to be understood as black women. bruh like idk what to tell you this show is just fuckig bad sdlgkj like its just way too like, pervasive in my teen years forme to throw the baby w the bathwater entirely. and ill just straight up say it, like, im not a specialist on these topics nor do i hav ea position of authority to speak on about it. like the pearls read more clearly as slaves (very intentionally by the showrunners) bc they are meant to be subservient to gems Other than diamonds. and also bc they like fit in the stereotype of housemaid servant. like the rubies being made to just be forced to go and fight like they are slaves too, they have no rights and no like, authority to disobey or autonomy. but fsr like, slavery as in physical labor just doesnt immeidately set off ppls alarms as much as housework slavery does fsr.

i can only rly like change the canon so much and try to like, tweak things so it doesn feel as gross but i think for it to be cmpletely not insneistive at all youd have to throw away the whole show. and like i said, this isnt like me saying like im making the show good or as it shouldve been, im making it so I (and ppl who share my feelings about the show) can feel less shitty just thinking back to it. its just an exercise. im not like mass media im just one independent artist and shit will come out insensitve sometimes and im sorry but im also like, my art isnt meant to be representative and like, responsiuble for fixing all of society and racism like i actually cant do that. ill just do the best i can as an asian dude but like, if my work makes you upset, im sorry, but also just block me. like i cant please everyone. or like, even better, make YOUR take on pearl taht you feel would be better, like make the art you feel should exist.

this post is too damn long and id be surprised if anyone reads all of it but if you do, tahnk you! i felt kinda like ready to fight tonight so im triyng to redirect it from aggression to like, thinking. i cant guarantee im making new content for su reclaimed anytime soon but i would really like to, tbh

#su critical #steven universe reclaimed #ranting whatever blah blahb lah sdkjg

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ikoarts · 10 months ago

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November 2022 Art

huh. a lot of silly doodles this month, some random stuff from my phone too, was on some silly energy i think x

vvv dates + info under the cut vvv

1 - 08/11/2022 : horse Ru but like, an actual horse. shes real. get horsed idiot. shes a bay tobiano marwari (also one i did on my phone)

2, 3 - 09/11/2022 : much silliness. was thinking of koopas again, theres barley, who is weird, and also lemmy, giving good advice x

4 - 10/11/2022 : horsie! again! thats about it

5, 6 - 12/11/2022 : more koopaz, they smoke veed together i guess, i liked drawing these i was on sily energy

7 - 13/11/2022 : jammy lammy. drawn on my phone x ,, i think i doodled this then i started on my full digital piece of her?

8, 9, 10 - 14/11/2022 : roosh in the rush shirt, ive been asked if she likes rush bc shes rush-ada which i find funny (no sadly i wish i was that funny), she never dresses like this but i like to draw her in things she'd probably Want to wear but wouldn't bc shes a self conscious old lady..... ANYWAY omg first drawing where i drew Ru with her iconic half moon eyes instead of having the empty space, now her eyes are a full shape,, its been this way ever since and it feels so much better, maximum droopiness, shes pathetic really but i love her, toni might invoke this rage on me if she catches me saying that tho

also penguin dance. watch that autistic girl groove

11 - 15/11/2022 : moar drawing Ru in outfits she would want to wear but wouldn't normally, like this is how i dress so this is projection probably.. i was on my peak boingo fix at this point (has not stopped) so Toni is having a sing x (has been misinterpreted as her ripping a bong at least three times) and a little Luisa hehe

12, 13 - 16/11/2022 : Toni would have a YT channel in canon, like thats how she breaks into the music scene, but i like thinking of her doing cliche youtuber things.. also the first (not first but the First first is like an incomplete concept doodle) drawing of Trixie! i knew i wanted a new robo oc, and she had to be a gnasty diesel powered idiot, she hasn't changed too much

14 - 18/11/2022 : silly time again, ru n toni on their catgirl and horsegirl business, i am 5 and poop is funny

15-18 - 25/11/2022 : holy ponies batman! horseshada (yes thats what i call her) as a G3 styled MLP, both in her natural colours, and unnatural colours (her pony name is Blue Moon), also TONI PONY! (her pony name is Heart-To-Heart). gay ass little ponies

19-23 - 28/11/2022 : so like. at this point i was in the middle of watching waterloo road (classic series the new one sucks big balls), and this is like the only thing i could conjure up...... also another mettatetta, was still unsure about his design, but its comin!! later!! have patience!! the rest are some various Rushadas, in an outfit from animal crossing pocket camp since i was playing that again at this point, i should draw her in it again bc she SERVES.. also her in her jammies, i wanted a go at drawing plaits, pretty proud of that one, her hair is so thick and lovely <3

24 - 29/11/2022 : so like i really dont have enough aus i guess, catgirl toni n horsegirl rushada, but like, they're more anthro this time, that was basically the concept, and to recap, ive got like centaur au, like full animal au, and one where its just them but they have the ears and tails, its complicated!

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cupoftaae · 1 year ago

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Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ Francis Forever (chapter 17)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 5k

warnings- swearing, angst, mentions of miscarriage, confused feelings, some kissing (some smut not really its like 2 seconds), REALLY EMO

a/n- guys....we have reached the final chapter of Forever And A Day, oh my god. Ive worked on this story since January, its very dear to me, Thank you for everyone who tagged along. I love you so much! there will still be an Epilogue posted as well. Enjoy the chapter angels

-nini

Your feet led you down to the kitchen, where your mom was currently cleaning.

"hi honey" she mumbled, not turning around to see you as she scrubbed the top of the stove.

"hey.." you walk over, opening the fridge and looking for something to snack on. Granted- there was something made for breakfast but you hadn't woken up until 12pm. Technically, it was now lunch.

"do you want me to make you something?"

You peer over to your mom whos putting things away in the storages

"no thats okay" you grab a sleeve of crackers from the cabinet and some cream cheese, opting to sit at the kitchen island with your sad "meal"

"thats not lunch, missy" your mother scolded as she turned to you finally

"meh" you shoved the cracker in your mouth as you watched her grab her coat from the hanger. "where are you going?" you spoke with a full mouth.

"I have to run to the store"

"didnt you just go the other day?"

Your mom peered over her shoulder, waiting a moment "yes...but, I forgot to grab...uh....planter feed, for my little window plants" she nodded over in the direction of them.

"okay....can I come?" you mumble, throwing another dry cracker into your mouth.

"no" she laughed, making you look up

"what, why?"

"because" she began to ramble "well...I love you but Ive spent every minute with you this week, its good to be alone for a few hours"

You raised an eyebrow as if you didnt believe her.....because you didnt. "okayyy..." your voice dragged out

"ill be back in no time, no worried dear." she grabbed her bag and walked to the door, "ill bring you back a coffee" she winked as she left.

Once you heard the door lock, you stood up, licking the cream cheese off your fingers.

why was she in such a hurry to be gone?

Your feet wandered over to the little plant cabinet she had, opening it to see a freshly stocked basket of soil feed packets. Of course she was lying.

She was probably looking for an excuse to see that guy shes been talking to for months now. Why would she lie though? does she think you couldn't handle it?

Chosing to ignore it, you picked up her cat and made your way upstairs to your room, sitting down at your desk.

These days you werent out much, last time you saw other people was 2 days ago when you went to go grab the mail from the mailbox in the pouring rain. Nonetheless, you still loved to get yourself dolled up as if you were going out.

You applied some makeup, carefully drawing out your eyeliner to a sharp point. The way you applied your face could be compared to how you applied yourself to everything else in life- strict and neat, and you hated when you had a smudge

You pushed through your makeup bag, searching for a certain lipstick that you are now realizing you left back in Paris.

"that was $20" you sigh, standing up to wander to your moms room. Surely she has something to use, shes always been one to paint her face, she used to let you play "makeover" when you were young, which might be why you love it so much now. It was always enjoyable, even if you made her look like a clown a bit.

You wondered where she would keep her makeup, as it wasnt in her bathroom. A quick scan around the room brought you over to her vanity drawers.

"ahh, there we go" you happily looked at all of the collective lipsticks and palettes sprawled out in front of you. You grasped a few of them to look for one you would use, when your eyes fell onto a folder underneath all it.

Pulling it out and carefully looking inside, because you were snoopy even with your mothers belongings, you saw what appeared to be a booklet of Polaroid photos.

You giggled softly at the cute older photos of your mom when she was younger, the silly gestures in the photos reminded you that she too is human and has her own emotions.

You came across a specific one in the pile where your mom was looking out the window in her old apartment, obviously pregnant.

that was you.

Smiling softly, you slid through the last bits before picking up one that made your breath hitch.

Your dad.

She still kept every photo. Hidden.

Photos of your dad sitting on the deck of the house with newborn you resting on his chest, photos of him not knowing your mom was even there while he did tiny activities, like fixing or repainting something.

It was so real and so raw, and you wanted to criticize your mother for keeping all of these, because as you looked at his face, you felt nothing but anger.

But you had to remember she spent a majority of her life with him...she had a kid with him....and you almost felt a sense of sympathy for her and the life she thought she would have with him.

He ruined so many things and even after all of that, she cant toss the photos.

Its never really over, huh?

You knew deep down that you should've respected your moms privacy and left the room, considering you were only on the look for a lipstick.

But you found yourself still digging an hour later, looking at photos and notes and everything in between. In a way, you felt like the snooping mom looking into her daughters room.

Perhaps you shouldnt have, but you took one of the photos and kept it for yourself. It was of your mom, she had to have been your age in it, and she was standing in front of the old ice cream place she always took you to before it got demolished.

She looked so happy and pure, she had that gleam in her eyes that you struggle to find in her nowadays.

You put the photo into your bag, making sure it was flat and not bent.

With any lesson learnt from your parents, its that your biggest fear is to spend your life in the wrong situation, trying to make it work only for it to end up as the opposite, and leave you with a broken heart.

But on the other hand, you also realize that you dont want to be like your mom, although you admire and adore her, you want to find your place so desperately, and not let any opportunity go to waste.

The doorbell downstairs rang, startling you a little as you rose to your feet, trying to head down quickly.

"coming!" you shout, your bare feet leading you to the locked door. You open it and see a young man with a pizza in his hand. "oh!"

He bows his head polietly, "Hi, pizza for Y/N?"

You almost laugh, "ah...I didnt order anything?"

you thought for a moment and considered that your mother probably ordered it for you, knowing that your choice of meal this morning was crackers and cream cheese.

"its already paid for" he spoke again

"im sorry but-" you sigh "okay....thanks?" you reach out, almost burning your hands at how warm the box was. You dropped it off on the kitchen counter and looked at it.

It was cheese and bacon, your favorite, how did your mom know that?

"should I trust this?" you looked down at the cat crawling over your feet, she smelled the yummy food just above and was trying to access it.

Before you could grab your phone to call her, you heard the doorbell ring again. "seriously...?"

once more, your feet dashed you over as you opened the door, assuming it would be another delivery. You dropped your phone onto the floor as the person standing in front of you turned around.

"I hope you are open to sharing that pizza" Taehyung spoke quietly, a small smile on his face.

"what are you doing here....?" you looked at him like a deer in headlights; scared, relieved, shocked, happy all in one.

He calmed his expression and stepped a bit closer, "can I come in?"

You stepped back and thought for a moment

"please....?" he persisted

"y-yeah..yeah come in" you stepped away and watched him slowly enter the house, taking his shoes off before turning back to you. He didnt have a moment to speak before you threw yourself into his chest, wrapping him up into a tight hug.

His arms snaked around you, pulling you closer as both of your breathing became uneven.

"i-im so sorry...i missed you a lot and I havent texted and, fuck, youre here and im so-"

"shhh...shhh" his hand held your nape as you looked at you, forehead against yours, "dont apologize its okay"

"but-"

"no...lets just go sit down and talk" he whispered, rubbing your back.

You exhaled shakily "okay"

You led him over to the kitchen, still in absolute shock at the fact he is here with you right now. All of the guilt began to seep back in the moment you saw his face.

You took a seat at the counter and looked at him, the sun peaking in through the blinds, leaving stray lines of orange through the room.

He smiled and looked around, pulling the seat out next to you as he sat down.

"So.." you looked at him, swallowing harshly. "wh-"

"your mom called me" he spoke honestly, sitting down and shielding the sun with his hand. "I was worried sick about you, I cant lie"

Yep. Guilt.

"and I didnt wanna bother you, but she called me and said that you wanted to see me so..." he smirked a little, looking down.

You sigh loudly, "oh tae.....i never told her to tell you to come...."

He laughed, throwing his head back "ah I figured sort of...I knew you would have probably texted me yourself"

You nod, stomach fluttering at the sound of his amusement. "yeah..'m sorry for not texting, that was really shitty of me Tae"

"dont apologize, youve gone through a lot, I understand its not easy to jump back in yet...and thats okay." he whispered "but...how are you? what are you feeling?"

"right now? im....im honestly really happy you showed up...."

"yeah?"

You nod, "mhm, i, er, missed you" you fumbled with your words, not wanting to sound needy or desperate.

"I missed you too" his response was quick.

you both looked at eachother for a few moments silently, before you spoke up, "you ordered that pizza, didnt you?"

He began to laugh, "yeah I did"

"I knew my mom wouldnt know I liked bacon...." you giggled, he moved a little closer and smiled.

"and listen, im not here to course you to coming back to Busan, I just wanted to come check on you...because you know I love you always"

You felt your face heat up, "I know...I know tae, I love you too."

"how are you physically?" he spoke quietly

Shrugging, you answered truthfully, "I think Im okay....my body is beginning to go back to normal, so....."

"good, thats good" he nods

"mhm...im glad I have my mom, but I really did miss having you nearby, and I know you dont want to hear it but I have to say it" you mumbled

"you can talk, y/n"

"im so sorry...for everything....its not fair-"

"but-"

"just listen please, its not fair...what I did to you, and I shouldnt have left, that was so shitty to leave you back in Paris knowing you were hurting too"

His face softened

"and what I did has been haunting me so much that I was afraid to contact you in fears you resented me....in fears that perhaps you hated me now-" your voice choked

"y/n, no, no," he grabbed your hands, "I could never hate you....never ever" he whispered moving to see your eyes, "listen to me, It was a bad situation, and perhaps we could have done better, yes, but stop apologizing for dealing with grief."

He wiped the tear stain on your cheek, holding your face close to his, whispering, "does your mom still have popsicles in the freezer?"

The random question made you laugh, "what?"

"this is serious, y/n, does she?"

"I- I think?" you stood and watched him search, successfully finding them. "why?"

He smirked, "you know why" he grabbed 2 and held your hand, bringing you upstairs to your room, opening the window and climbing out to the ledge of the roof

A place you two always sat during your high school days...with popsicles.

"ohh...." you giggled, now understanding his method to the madness.

"been a longgg time since we sat here, why didnt we do it when we visited a few months ago?" he smiled, opening the wrapper and licking the watermelon pop

"Im not sure..." you opened your own, happy that the sun wasn't directly on you two anymore.

Taehyung laid back against the roof, eyes on you from behind. Its been so long since hes seen you, and with every passing day he grew more impatient.

When he got the phone call from your mom, he knew it was mostly her doing, but he was not about to pass up a free opportunity to see you, even knowing the risk of you despising him was still high.

He wanted to call you beautiful, the way the orange sky illumintaed on your skin, it blended perfectly, it was straight out of a disney Princess movie.

He had no clue as to what label you two stood as, was it okay to call you baby? there was never an official breakup. Was it too much to want to kiss you as soon as he saw your face? his body yearned for you in every way, he missed the feeling of your hand in his and your body on his chest at night.

He missed all of you, and it hasnt even been that long.

"you know..." he began, closing his eyes, "Im starting to think im a bit too dependent on you" his voice was teasing,

"why do you say that?" you looked back at him, licking the popsicle.

He shrugged, smirking, "just cant seem to stay away...."

"i dont understand you" you laugh, looking forward again. "ive been such an ass, Taehyung"

"youre not an ass you just feel things deeply and I love that about you"

"is this some kind of kink?" you joke, watching him laugh

"maybe?"

You shake your head as you continue to eat the pop, "I dont shame"

He looked up at the sky, glaring at a plane flying across. He wondered if you two could be seen from the window.

He wondered how tiny and insignificant you would appear to the passengers aboard, who had no idea what situation you both were dealing with, like how he didnt know what they were dealing with.

Life is weird like that.

What problems you have and seem huge may seem meaningless to others, or how from space, you are the size of a grain of salt. It puts things into perspective, and over the past few weeks, hes been thinking about everything deeply and truly....deciding that although it may change nothing, seeing you was the best option.

"Tae?" you spoke, noticing how quiet he got

"remember when we were 16 and it was Easter? My family was over with yours, and you and I climbed up here after dinner and tried to smoke my dads cigarettes for the first time?" he laughed at the memory

You smile, "I smoked it wrong and began to choke"

You both were giggling again now

"you almost swallowed it, how does one fuck up smoking so badly?"

You nudge him, "hey!"

He shrugged, still smiling

"you are quite the smoker yourself now, huh?"

"I grew up with him smoking so yeah, I sort of picked up on it"

You nod, listening

"you hate it though, right?" he smirked

"well you are a grown man, you can chose to do as you please"

"oh cmon dont play coy, you know you would never give up a chance to scold me for it"

"yeah youre right" you sigh at his knowingness "I worry about your lungs!" you tease

"my lungs are okay" he smiled as you laid down on the roof next to him, the sun casting both of your shadows behind you.

"you dont know that!"

"trust baby, if anything was wrong youd be the first to know"

You froze after he called you baby, it wasn't like you two had been gone for years, but neither of you had been lovey in over a month, it felt almost foreign, almost wrong.

He wasnt going to apologize, it did slip, but did he regret it?

nope.

His eyes scanned over yours, softly and lovingly as he moved his hand over your hair, pushing it out of your eyes.

You stared at him, an expression reading shock. He pulled away slightly

"am I making you uncomfortable?" he seemed worried that he stepped too far, scaring you.

"n-no!" you spoke, reaching for his hand. "it just feels odd you know? its not you, its just...."

"been a while" he finished for you

"yeah..."

You still felt safe with him, how could you not?

You didnt want him to make the assumption that you were not okay with his touch anymore, because that definitely was not the case.

You slowly cuddled closer to him, both of you laid on your backs as your head rested on his shoulder, his head leaning against yours.

Both of your lips were painted pink and red from the popsicles, it made you smile.

The sky above you two seemed so big, so endless.

Staring at it was almost frightening.

You reached for his hand and intertwined his fingers with yours, he quickly squeezed yours out of affection.

"ahh..." he spoke up suddenly, voice quiet. "I shouldnt.....I shouldnt have taken you to Paris"

You looked up at him

"maybe the plane ride was too much? maybe your body couldnt handle the stress?" he exhaled shakily, eyes still up at the sky. "Im sorry...I really am"

"you dont have to apologize for anything" you turned your body on your side so you faced him, though he still wouldn't look at you.

"hey.." you tried again, "you know, my mom told me she also miscarried when I was 3 years old...and thats why she never had kids after me"

He closed his eyes, squeezing your hand

"So I guess its runs in the family.....not our fault" you shrugged, "Its breaks my heart but...we dont have to blame ourselves"

He turned his head to your finally at the sound of your voice cracking, He brought you closer to his chest, hand rubbing your back. Taehyung swallowed harshly, clearing his throat to talk quietly "I've been...having a hard time dealing with it.

You rested your hand on his chest, looking at him sympathetically. His eyes were now watery, it took a lot to not cry yourself.

Youve already cried.

Youve cried so much

Perhaps you were now accepting the miscarriage for what it was, you were even able to say it aloud now, and thats growth.

You wished the same for Taehyung.

"that's okay, too" you whisper, hand snaking around to brush his hair between your fingers behind his head.

His eyes went back up to the now purple sky, tears reflecting the image in front of you. "do you think they are up there?" he smiled softly, rubbing your back still.

You look up at the sky, the clouds creating a beautiful set up as the sun set behind them. The world felt blanketed and secured in this moment, almost safe.

"yeah" you whisper, squeezing his hand, "but they are also here...with us, you know?"

He looks at you, tear marks on his face as you move to wipe them with your sleeve. "I think we will always be parents, that cant change. I feel that connection so deeply, and I know you do too. They arent gone, they just arent in this world" you add.

Taehyung smiled softly at your words, nodding slowly, "yeah....yeah youre right"

His thumb runs over your knuckles, calming you both down.

"I cant get myself to get rid of anything...like the stuff we bought." you mumble, looking down at your hands.

He chuckled, "mmh, you dont have too."

You sighed and looked at him again, a warm blush coating your cheeks.

"you know...I dont give you enough credit" he spoke "youve been through so much"

"Tae..." you brush his hair back, "youve given me everything....we need to look ahead...the past cant be changed."

He slides his hand under the hem of your shirt, touching the soft skin on your hip bone. It wasn't promiscuous or anything, simply an act of love and affection, silently showing you he's here and is listening.

"Im really sad" he choked out

You hugged him close as he began to cry into your shoulder

"its okay baby, its okay....its okay to be sad, you dont have to be strong for me" your hand caressed his back. "I love you so much, please know that"

He took a moment to calm down before pulling back to look at you, "y-youre right....we do need to look forward now"

You nod softly, holding his face.

You were a little worried to see him in this state, you didnt know he was feeling this and keeping it down for so long.

All you could do was comfort him and be there.

"I just.....are we still...." he trailed off, making you smile as you cupped his face again, brushing your thumbs over his cheeks lovingly.

"mm" you slowly leaned forward to kiss him

It was a nice kiss, not too slow but not too fast, just what was needed after a month of distance and no contact.

He blushed brightly, holding you as he whispered, "do you think we could start over? I really want to treat you right, and I want this to work. We can work it out right? the correct way this time?" his voice wavered

You nodded, still looking at him "yes....we can try again, the right way" you giggled as he leaned forward to kiss you again, this time a little quicker.

He bit your bottom lip, hands gently squeezing your hips

"baby-" you exhaled into his mouth, gently pulling back to look at him. "maybe we shouldnt"

"why?" he frowned, almost looking like a little kid

"well for starters we are on my roof" you giggled, sitting up

Taehyung smiled and looked around

"and....I dont know...sex is what brought us this mess" you teasingly nudged him, making him laugh. "lets just be with eachother for a little bit and let our feelings lead us to what happens"

He sighed, knowing you were right. "okay....can I still cuddle you though?" he whispered, making you coo at his cuteness.

"of course, lets go"

You slowly led him back into your room off the roof, closing the window before settling down on the bed with him. "when are you going back to Busan?"

He held you, face hidden in your neck "maybe in a few days...I dont want to leave you yet if thats okay"

"okay...thats fine, but, I think I'll head back with you...."

He smiled, rubbing your back "yeah?"

"mm" you kissed his head, closing your eyes.

You were still healing. To say you fully recovered was not true, but as you sat in his arms things felt normal again, even if it would be temporary.

Perhaps you needed to be with him to fully heal, to fully be yourself. Taehyung was your other half, and he knew you better than anyone. To give this another chance is like a breath of fresh air.

Putting your pasts behind you in hopes of feeling happiness again, in hopes of both of you becoming better people for each other.

Taehyung doesnt want to leave you, ever, and you cant say you want him to.

You dont spend half of your life with someone then let them run away just because things go downhill.

If your father was in your presence, you would teach him this lesson.

When you love someone, you hold their hand and walk through hard times together, you dont let them leave over something that both of you know you would need eachother's support for. To think- you almost let him out of your grasp, you almost lost him.

And Taehyung loved you so much...that if you asked him to leave....he would have.

You dont know what the future entails, and yes, its fucking terrifying. Life is scary, theres ups and downs, and suprises and failure, but theres also a lot of love, and happiness, and success if you look hard enough.

You do hope one thing for sure, and thats that he will be at your side as you grow up, to be there when you are right and wrong, healthy or sick, happy or sad.

As you both began to pick up the pieces of what was broken, you appreciated the past, knowing you had to let it go, but it also brought you here, back into where you feel most safe.

You renovated the apartment and turned the Nursery into a craft room for Taehyungs painting. He kept all of the baby belongings in the closet, hoping for the day in the future when he would open it again and feel that sense of excitement but nervousness.

You continued work and college classes, pursuing your acting career that youve always wanted, and when you graduated, Taehyung would never let you forget how much he admired you.

He kissed your neck softly, his hand pressed into yours as he hovered above you, "so beautiful, my love...."

you bit your lip before exhaling a shaky moan "ohh..f-fuck"

"so smart....youre so perfect baby, I love you"

He kissed you gently, still moving his hips against yours as you held him close to you, fluttering your eyes shut.

things had settled into place once again.

Taehyung got offered a job as an art teacher at the college you graduated from, taking the full time position while you worked at the local theatre, producing and preforming sold out plays every weekend.

The saving money part was hard for him, he wanted to buy you anything you laid your eyes on.

"did you seriously buy the couch?!" you tossed your bag, running from the doorway to the living room to see the grey couch you had pointed out shopping with him literally the day prior.

He shrugged, "yeah...whats the big deal?"

"taehyung!" you giggled and hugged him.

He was too spontaneous for his own good.

A few years passed, and looking at your current life now, you would not believe how much had changed. You can say for the first time in a while you felt happy...and oh what an exciting and freeing feeling that was.

"I love youuuu! my baby!!!!!" taehyung danced around on the icy sidewalk outside of your apartment door, it was new years eve and he was drunk.

very...very drunk.

He pointed at you as he sang, "my babyyyy! woo!"

You giggled, sitting on the steps and recording your man child boyfriend whom you loved so much. "baby be careful dont sl-"

too late.

He fell on his ass, laughing so hard he almost puked, which of course made you laugh too.

"cmon ya big baby" you ran over and helped him inside. Midnight had already passed earlier, pre-drunk taehyung had danced with you around the living room, gifting you a small kiss once the clock read midnight.

"hm, I dont get it, whats so different about a new years kiss? its like every other one?" you laughed after his lips left yours.

"well its special because I get to be the first to kiss you in the new year" he smiled cheekily

"tae...your the only one who gets to kiss me any year" you point at him

"damn right" he snaps his fingers at you as he walks past into the other room.

Every holiday you spent with him felt special, every event, every grocery run, it all felt so much more authentic now.

You two were in your mid twenties now, and a lot of mental growth had come along with that. With pride, you can say you were better people than before, and thats why things worked so well.

You could easily live like this forever.....

it was basically an endless sleepover with your best friend. You were okay if you could come home and see his face waiting for you on the couch.

Your sweet boy.

You had no idea what was gonna happen next, whether that was marriage, or another attempt at having kids- you felt ready.

Ready to give him anything he wanted in return for him saving you.

You could do anything, be anywhere or anyone, in good or bad conditions, and you will still only crave him.

Your lover.

You want him for months

for years

for eternity...

For Forever And A Day.

And God knows he felt the same.

A/N- wow guys....this is it....I cannot thank you enough for reading my first story on here, im not perfect at writing but you guys keep me motivated and confident in my work, and I love you for that. This will not be the end of this couple, we still have the Epilogue as well as eventual drabbles.

You guys are amazing. ily.

-Nini

taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee

#bts #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts smut #kim taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung #taehyung #taehyung fanfic #taehyung fluff #taehyung smut #taehyung bts #bts taehyung #kim taehyung series #taehyung series

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pjunicornart · 7 months ago

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So I went to the hospital.

Throwing up a content warning for general medical stuff, anxiety, depression, and mentions of self harm stuff. This is an important update, but I'll still put it all under a cut in case you don't want to hear about it.

Last night I had my first full blown panic attack. I've had anxiety attacks before, but I've never experienced the heavy arms, numb lips, and loopiness. I called one of my best friends and they described me as sounding drunk. Now, I didn't know it was a panic attack because I've never experienced one before, so I was worried something was very wrong.

I called 911 and they took me to the hospital. While there, they ordered a couple of tests (EKG, blood tests, and urine sample). It was also there when I realized I was having my first migraine. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to get used to having migraines, because it runs in my mom's side of the family.

Because I was there, I mentioned my mental health in depth because what brought me in was a stress related panic attack. I told them about my want to self harm again. That prompted them to set up a meeting with their social service worker.

So after hours of waiting and getting pain and nausea meds pumped into me via IV, the social service lady finally talked to me. Here's a brief of what we talked about: - My depression and anxiety has been going on since I was twelve, and I've suspected I've had autism for a while now. - I was in therapy for only two months when I was sixteen or seventeen, but then my dad and step-mom cancelled all of it without me knowing, and they never gave a reason as to why. - I was a very angry child. I would hit, push, shove, kick, and sometimes bite other peers. Do I regret it now? Absolutely. - I don't like eating, and I hate food. I eat to live, not live to eat. - Whenever I'm stressed out, I scratch myself. - I have suicidal idealization.

When it came time for my mom to come back into the room so the social service lady can relay the information, it seemed like she was finally ready to take me seriously. Beforehand, she would only brush me off and tell me the equivalent of, "Stop being dramatic." But perhaps me needed to be hospitalized for my mental health issues was finally enough for her to realize that I need serious help.

So, yeah. That's what happened last night. Now because I live in America (unfortunately), I'm stuck with a huge medical bill. I was gonna wait for this, but I might need to open my Patreon now. Because I can't pay a bill like that.

I'm also gonna be taking a little break from drawing and writing for a little bit. Maybe that panic attack was telling me to stop pushing myself too hard.

#rosey rambles #rant #update #important #health #mental health #healthcare #american healthcare

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saintsugu · 10 months ago

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ive taken the past few days to gather my mental bearings and try to properly formulate my thoughts. as a survivor of csa, i do not take these topics and criminal allegations lightly.

- starting with the two (2) threads that i wrote on twitter: writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I began writing on Twt, rather than just post on this blog, for a reason. It was separate from the the friends i’ve made on here. I’d be able to write things that about trauma that i’m too ashamed to admit. I could discuss topics that have been prevailing factors in my own real life without feeling worried about being shamed. I get that these are taboo topics (and for good reason), but I don’t know where the conclusion formed that just because i was discussing / consuming these topics through fiction, automatically meant that i was getting off on the idea of it happening in real life; especially compared to the possibility that maybe i was using it to cope.

Everybody has lines they’re not willing to cross. I get it; I have those too, believe it or not. for me— as a survivor, discussion of underaged content falls into the same category alongside of noncon, stepcest/incest and cannablism. None of which i support in real life yet all of which i have at some point consumed via fiction. Now obviously, these standards aren’t the same for everyone, but in my mind there is no difference. I would never accuse someone of being a r*pist if they wrote noncon. I would never claim that it’s dangerous for them to interact with women in their real lives.

People deal with trauma in different ways. When I first started to write dark content on my old blog, i dipped my feet into dubcon. I didn’t care much for it. But then in the months following, i was SA’ed by my best friend. I then began to write graphic noncon. And i felt a bit better— a bit more in control. I was now choosing when and where i was viewing and consuming fiction with these topics, rather than when i had something i did not want forced onto me.

It’s taken me a long time to begin to process certain things that took place in my childhood. Having to process something, that happened more than a decade ago, entirely alone with zero support from anyone i know is difficult. I found a way to help myself cope. My methods may have been unsavory and uncomfortable for people, but not to the extent of graphically telling me how to k*ll myself in my inbox. Yes, I did write and consume underaged fiction in order to cope with my personal trauma. I fully own up to that. At the end of the day, fiction is just fiction.

Concerning the ‘expose’ post, the OP also claims that this was not to start a witchhunt, just to shed light to the situation; all the while, they were in my inbox telling me to kill myself before even making a post. Alright. People have had no issues calling me the f slur, making transphobic remarks/purposely misgendering me, and of course, graphically telling me how i should end my life. They’ve sent hundreds of asks claiming they care about the situation, when in my opinion—which might not mean much, no matter how you feel about me, if you resort to threatening, hate mobbing and threatening me irl, you are not handling things in the right way either.

In regards to the minor in my following list, i don’t know who she was or if her pinned post had changed. when i read the expose post i immediately unfollowed her and checked to be met with the fact that she didn’t follow me and we had shared a total of zero messages between the two of us. I am unsure if her pinned post changed or if I had foolishly followed her without checking to a full extent. Either way, we had no interactions. That might sound like a copout but unfortunately, i have no other commentary i can share on the matter.

at the end of it all, i can only control my own boundaries. i tag everything accordingly and that is the most i can do. drawing and fictional pieces cannot be considered cp.

#tw discourse

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imaginespazzi · 4 days ago

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Bestie bestie bestie!

Hello :) Where to even begin after so much time.. I guess first I'll note that my last anon to you is starred below just so we can follow the thread of last convo somewhat (and honestly just wanted to ensure you knew I at one point wrote in over you hiatuses)..

Ok on to more new stuff: Biggest news is Im off to the wifeys motherland (ironic a bit as I believe shes currently playing in my fatherland). I'll report back on food a day drink 😋 ca va?

Yay Liberty, they did it! 🗽Plenty of kudos to the Lynx as well. Was a great series all around. Even if my nerves barely withstood those overtimes & dramatic endings.

Coaching movement in the W continues to make my head spin. OMG the Thibaults are gone, didnt see that coming tbh! I remain seated for all the hirings/happenings to come. And cant believe we're almost to the lottery selection w still so much upheaval in place 🤯

Hope all is well w you despite lifes busyness. Take care

** Hi hi hi bestie! Yes that anon was me ha. I realized after sending that I left of my emoji signature, but was pretty sure youd connect things, given some hyper specific topics ha. Hope life is treating you alright apart from just being busy!

Im personally just relieved that the Libs managed to even things up last night, while still trying to process the 2nd half & OT of game 1 lol. That one was all just absolutely bonkers. Crazy entertaining, even if it hurt my NY supporting heart at the time.

When it comes to the coaching moves, def in agreement that Indy doesnt deserve good things. What do you make of who the Valks named HC? Seems a good hire to me at a quick glance, but Im also leery of anyone who might be involved w the Aces lawsuit ordeal (tbf Im not super well informed on that, but dont believe Ive ever seen her referenced w that stuff). Yeah objectively I dont feel that a (random) late winning run/playoff push, external circumstances w the standings aside, was worth dropping your odds of getting #1/Paige from like 30 to 10 %. Still struggle to understand why they ended up trying to fight the path that established itself early on. Granted kind of unexpected and extreme circumstances, but still, lemons to lemonade if you will. Im not feeling eager for the draw next month..

Honestly it will be interesting now to see/follow any Liz activity while she hits the offseason as college ball starts up soon. Curious to see if any crumbs or reactions come up at all. W those two seeming to be at an avoidance phase, another college wbb couple needs to step up and provide us w some (non toxic) drama to follow over the season ha! Not you tho Pazzi, you stay lovely/wholesome/stable/healthy

One additional GH note - I obvi live for snark, so wanted to share my fav lines from Ch 10

“Won’t somebody please think about the complications” Jana in full menace mode and so funny. "I mean other than the woman you married as well that is" The fact that Azzi will not ever say her name I just love. I also have this idea that Stephie, when older and knows pretty much everything re her parents history, will continue the she who shall not be named thing in support of her mama. (And Im not entirely discounting the possibility of a bit of real time drama w Olivia that wont help w this whole Azzi grudge).

Wishing you a good start to the week!! -☕️ **

Hi hi lovely I missed you <3

Ah babes that must have gotten lost in my sea of asks because I've been so bad about answering them. It's funny how much has change since whenever you sent that thought because the W has become a revolving door of coaching changes.

I really like the Valks HC choice. She's been very effective with the LVAces and I expect that to continue. Same with the recent news we go today of Tyler Marsh with the Sky. I think LVAces coaching staff in general is so strong and them branching off is good for the league and both the Valks and the Sky with these coaches and a little bit of time for player development should eventually be really good. Ultimately the lawsuit is a front office issue and I don't think these two had much to do with it and so until I see issues in their new respective teams, I don't think we can hold it against them.

LIBERTYYYYYYY. So happy for them and of course props to the Lynx. And honestly thank you to both teams for giving us what I think, despite that one foul, is the greatest W finals we've ever had.

THE THIBAULTS ARE GONE. You were one of the first people I thought of when I saw that news. Honestly I have no idea what to think. I really didn't see it coming and as much as I've done a lot of nepo baby this nepo baby that, I don't necessarily know if this is the right choice but I'll wait to see who they appoint as the head coach to really figure out my thoughts.

Lottery in 2 weeks?? What the actual hell? Like y'all we're likely gonna know where Paige is going before we even see Azzi on the court and that's insane to me.

OOOOH I have some CWBB drama if anyone wants it. Did y'all peep Last-Tear's Poa's shady insta caption she deleted? Her and Sam'yah Smith were a thing and streets are saying maybe she cheated?

Pazzi are being wholesome as always. "Silly girl" - what if I jump off a cliff :)

#ask #☕️ anon my love <3 #my favorite gossip buddy i missed you so much

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waynedunlaptheorgandonor · 1 year ago

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i have been Swamped with full-time freelance writing and a full-time job on top of it, and you guys have been so so so patient with me going months and months and months without updating anything, so i decided to give you little sneak-peeks at the next “diy steps to serenity” and “an unfinished memory” chapters to prove to you that i do actually have content, it’s just been sitting idle as i’ve been forced to write less-fun things for money :(

i’m going to have a break in my work writing obligations here v v v soon, and updating these fics will be my vacation before the next obligations begin, and i am extremely hype

snippets under the cut:

DIY Steps to Serenity Excerpt:

The next thing she registered were forms being thrust at her, demanding her signature, as if she had any capacity to read. She mumbled the answers to questions about her birthdate and address, and scribbled her name poorly where they told her to on a tablet. Then, all of a sudden, a nurse was wiping the crook of her elbow down with an alcohol swab, and she forced herself out of her fog of suffering.

"No no no, wait," she said, trying to angle away.

"They gotta give you an IV to put you under for surgery, baby," Daryl said, his fingers brushing her hair back off her forehead. Carol shook her head vehemently.

"I can't," she insisted, eyes wide with fear.

"I know but you don't got a choice, honey, it'll be okay. Everythin's okay." Evidently, he'd regained his mantra from somewhere, but Carol still wasn't convinced.

"Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. We're going to push some Dilaudid through to help control the pain while we wait to take you back for anesthesia," Leopard Print Scrubs said, thinking that Carol's fear was with the surgery, and not with the small syringe of clear liquid that she was preparing to push directly into her veins. She looked to Daryl helplessly, who simply shook his head.

"You got no choice," he repeated. Through the pain and fright and flood of confusion, Carol tried to think of an alternative. What did they used to do before pain medication? Maybe they could get her some whiskey and a big rock to bite down on. Not ideal, but she was so close to her twelve-month chip, which she didn't realize until that moment was something she actually gave a shit about.

"I'm just gonna flush your IV with some saline, and then we'll get that medicine in you and get you feeling better, you poor thing," Leopard Print Scrubs said. With her free hand, Carol reached for Daryl. He took it without hesitation.

"I won't be sober," she whispered to him through tears that she wasn't sure were new or had been falling since she'd arrived.

"But you'll be alive."

An Unfinished Memory Excerpt:

“Come now, don’t be like that,” Merle said. He came around and sat next to Daryl on the couch. He smelled like cigarettes and the cheap perfume of whichever girl he’d been cozying up with at the bar the night before. “If you need help lookin’ like a fine, upstandin’ citizen then I’ll do my damndest, but first you gotta be straight with me.”

“Straight with you about what?” Daryl didn’t look at his brother, opting instead to fiddle with his drawing, which was now just a crinkly ball in his hands. Pity, he thought, he’d liked that one well enough to have kept it, if Merle hadn’t ruined it. Whatever, he could always just draw it again.

“Carol. What’s goin’ on between the two of you? And don’t come at me with that ‘we’re just friends’ bullshit.”

“Well we are, so I dunno what the fuck else you want me to say.”

“The truth. You know everyone who goes through the Roadhouse all call her your girl, and she ain’t never denied it.”

“You know that was just so them guys would stop puttin’ moves on her when she was just doin’ her damn job.”

“Yeah, but that was months ago. You’d think by now the truth woulda come out, but if anythin’, with the way you two cozy up with each other when you’re together at the diner, y’all only reinforce it.”

“Good, then they’ll keep leavin’ her be.” Daryl pointedly did not address the “cozy up” comment.

“You know that ain’t my point.”

“Then what is it?” Daryl knew he was being purposefully obtuse, and he knew Merle knew it too, but he refused to give his brother the satisfaction of dignifying his taunts with a response.

But then Merle said, “She’d be good for you, you know? A girl like her. If you was with her I’d support it. Hell, I’d more than support it. I’d be over the damn moon.”

Daryl let his hands still, the staticky crumpling sound of the paper finally ceasing. He tossed the ball onto the table and leaned back on the uncomfortable couch, the structure of the thing hitting him at all kinds of unpleasant angles where the cushion was worn away. He stared headlong at the television in front of him. It wasn’t on, but the alternative was looking at his brother, and he didn’t think he could say what he was about to say and meet another person’s eye at the same time.

He said, so quietly he could hardly hear it himself, “Maybe I would be, too.”

#diy steps to serenity #an unfinished memory #dunlap writes shit #and will finish shit soon too #promise #caryl #caryl fic #twd

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urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites · 3 months ago

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hiii so i put in a request for the matching thing but you didn’t respond to it so im guessing i didn’t put enough info which i completey understand!!! very sorry about that, i hope ur still doing these requests if not i deeply apologize. anyway pls take ur time so so sorry!!

i’d also like to be matched with someone in pjo pls!

personal info ? 15 yrs old, i’m a girl, she/her(truly idc), bisexual, half mexican (white dad…)

physical: i have medium length wavy brown hair with grown out bangs, im 5’4 average weight, pretty tan, brown eyes, silver circle glasses, i wear smudgy eyeliner w/mascara, i either wear tank tops with big pants or big t shirt with shorts

personality: i’m honestly very weird with the people im close with, like very. i have brainrot humor so im always saying weird ass shit acting like it’s normal. i’m also very sarcastic and if im not very close with someone i give them like 0 reaction i guess? idk ppl tell me im nonchalant but that sounds rlly corny 😬 anyway im very embarrassing in public when im with my friends and they hate it but i think its funny idc!! im also pretty moody but im just a teenage girl!!!!!!! i dont get mad that easily tho like i can take a joke i just get ANNOYED easily but then ill be fine in a few minutes. also ppl tell me im very funny so 😇 meat riding myself YES IM A NO SABO KID I AM TRYING TO LEARN SOANISH.

hobbies/intrests: love love love listening to music, love tv girl, tyler, mitski, arctic monkeys, the smiths, depeche mode, the cure, lana, tame impala, beabadoobee and so many other generes and artists but i only know like 2 songs 😬

i also had a severe fnaf phase, avatar the last airbender, spiderverse, saiki, and obvi percy jackson

currently OBSESSED with slushy noobz they are my whole personality they are how i act. along with avascreams on tiktok ive literally had 6 different ppl tell me “you know that one girl on tiktok?? you act just like her” IM TRILY NOT EVEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE HER I SWEAR. also love sam and colby i full heartedly believe in ghosts just watch ima become a ghost hunter 😊😊

as of right now my hobbies are playing stardew valley and never getting my homework done, i also love to draw but im not very good at it. i also love painting but i haven’t done it in a while bc of school :(( i take piano lessons as well but again, not very good even after 5 years. i rlly like reading too but again bc of school i haven’t read as much lately, love playing with my pets (dog and cat) they’re so cute i love animals so so much i want more but yknow im busy, ive also gotten into working out bc im tryna lose this face fat🫥

likes: love carnival rides!!!! they’re so fun i love the fair SO MUCH. beautiful atmosphere truly. the zipper is so fun don’t let anyone lie to you. nature, i love going on walks in the woods but i can’t bc i don’t live near any😔 food i love food, korean, mexican, american, japanese, i love it all. english class! teacher is so sweet i love her and its also easy and boring so

dislikes: six flags. i hate roller coasters. annoying ppl like bruh stfu up OH MY GOD. when my mom asks me about college, leave me alone pls!

okay i truly don’t know what else to put i hope this was enough 😓😓

-faith 👐

Hey Faith, I am so so sorry that this took incredibly long to complete. I’ve been insanely busy these few months and lots of personal stuff going on so I really hope that this does it justice! And also also don’t be sorry I’m really sorry that this took so long

Your PJO ship: Leo Valdez 🔥🔥🔥 (man I’m jealous)

Explanation: honestly the best way I can explain this is that you’re crazy totally matches his crazy. Your freak matches his freak. is somebody gonna match my freak? Yes, someone will match your freak and that person is Leo. Starting off with your physical appearance, I think that he would be very attracted to you and I think you give a vague match of his mom like I feel like you look like his mom a little little bit, which is what kind of drew him to you in the first place I feel like he probably saw you in a crowd and his jaw dropped. He just thought that you were your clothing style. He also liked your eyeliner which he had you do on him whenever you guys got comfortable enough in the relationship he was like hey can I please have your make up routine done on me? He looked rlly hot but anyway- you guys are just so chaotic together with your personality like you match him so well I feel like Leo in order to make a relationship work with him. He needs to have someone that’s either vastly different than him or the same because I mean, I just see you guys as Deadpool and Vanessa, you guys so chaotic in public you guys would do so much embarrassing shit together and social anxiety would be afraid of both of you combined, a deadly duo. Whenever you were first getting to know each other, and you were more relaxed and chill around him less if you’re crazy with showing, that’s what kind of Drew him like he thought that your dynamic could be that you would kind of be more opposites, but then he slowly realize that you were just as fucking goofy and silly as him, and he would have a blast with you as you guys got further on into your even like just friendship that eventually turn into romance. You guys always have the funniest times together like I’m not joking. You guys would be the couple to go out with if you wanted a good time because you guys just yeah you’re chaotic and glorious and also really freaking funny and I mean yeah. (I would also like to let you know to do a deeper dive into your personality. I did research some of the people you mentioned that you were compared to and watched some of their videos and subjected myself to the painful amount of puns and batshit crazy, honestly I’m pretty impressed if people are comparing you) as for your hobbies, he would love playing Stardew Valley and I feel like he would romance. Sebastian don’t ask me why, but I just feel like he would. He would totally want Sebastian as I don’t know why OK I really don’t. I really don’t but anyway that’s just my personal theory. But he would love playing Stardew with you. He’s also a procrastinator when it comes to homework and work and taking things seriously in general so you guys would be quite the interesting duo and I feel like U2 would just end up making out during study date so if you want someone to study with? He’s probably not the best person. Also, I think that he would love your art and would be absolutely obsessed. If you ever did any artwork of him or just inspired by him like he would love that he would frame that shit he would brag to everyone about how good you are and same goes with piano he’s obsessed even if you think you weren’t very good after five years of playing he thinks you’re magnificent. It took everything in him to not compare you to Apollo because he knew that that would probably get you like blasted into the sky or something, but he just thinks anything that comes from you is good basically. That’s Leo Math.

You + Anything= Good.

He can never read very much because of his ADHD. I just feel like he would lose interest in books really easily unless they’re really exciting or exactly what he’s being into at this point, so I feel like he would get the being too busy to read. He also loves animals. He would absolutely snuggle all the pets in the world. I feel like he just loves animals. I feel like he especially loves dogs because they match his energy and he’s definitely like a golden retriever guy or maybe a Chihuahua guy one of them anyway dogs are very Leo core. Also, he thinks your chubby face is cute, and while he promotes working out for the healthiness of it, he thinks you have the wrong motivation if you want to get rid of that cute squeezable cheeks. (Multiple cheeks if ykwim) he also loves carnival rides and he’s a huge foodie so if you ever went out to him, you guys would end up eating more than your stomachs and belts can handle I mean yeah you guys would just be done if you ever went out to eat because he would order so much food and then I feel like because of his ADHD he’d be midway eating through another thing and then see other stand and be like babe. We gotta go there next. basically you guys would be extremely full. He also likes nature walks. I think that he kind of just likes the dirt of it because he’s definitely not afraid to get dirty and he loves just poking around nature I mean, I honestly that’s how I see him going on hikes like he’d pick up slugs, he do all kinds of like gross stuff. People normally wouldn’t do like I don’t know, letting a worm crawl on his arm or something. anyway you guys totally match each other crazy and match each other’s freak yes just like the song, and I really ship it 💕💓💗💞💗💞

#leo valdez x reader #Leo Valdez #leo valdez x you #hoo #hoo pjo toa #hoo Leo #Leo hoo

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christylove94 · 1 month ago

Text

Everlasting - Part Six - IV

Pairing: Dongfang Qingcang/Xiao Lanhua

Chapter Tags: Fluff, terrible descriptions of clothing, wordiness, suggestive themes, AU elements

She winds up in Jieli's room afterwards.

It's either this or resisting the urge to climb into her bed with Da Mutou's robe around her while touching the tingly parts of her body. She has read thousands of such accounts in mortal and non-mortal Destiny Books and never experienced the same wanting. She now craves it as they have.

But she craves her Da Mutou more.

So visiting Jieli was an easy choice. She feels a little guilty however, for having not shared anything about her upcoming wedding with her friend, which leads her into roping the Hashi City native into helping her with her hair and makeup as consolation.

“So… His Lordship invited you out on a moonlit date?”

Nod.

“To somewhere where fancy attire is required?”

Nod. Nod.

“And you don't know exactly where this place is?”

She pauses, choosing to voice a fairly true fact rather than try to give a straight lie.

“Jieli, even though the Cangyan Sea has been my home now for a few months, there is still a lot I haven't seen of it. Da– Moon Supreme wants to start showing me these things.” She blinks doe eyes up at Jieli's reflection in the mirror.

Pursed lips and a thin gaze meets her in turn.

She gulps.

But Jieli doesn't say anything, just continues to draw her hair up into smooth swirls and strategic pins that give the appearance of a bouquet of roses blooming from the crown of her head. She has to remind herself to close her gaping mouth from time to time, so entranced by how stunning the style is.

Jieli slides the comb through the loose locks of hair framing her face, wearing an expression of self-satisfaction on par with the one Jieli wore when she tricked Shangque into carrying her around on his back for a full day. Da Mutou had been both amused and exasperated by the whole matter.

Hands clasping her shoulders startles her out of the brief recollection. Jieli's face lowers down so their cheeks nearly smoosh together as a broad, knowing grin sweeps across her features.

“Are you still taking your elixirs?”

She ducks her head slightly before she nods. “Mhm.”

Not long after Jieli and Shangque caught them kissing on the riverside, Jieli had eventually managed to corner her within the Silent Moon Palace despite her very best efforts to remain elusive. Her sworn sister had given her an elixir to take each month (for free!) along with its recipe so she does not produce a ‘winter bun’. As inexperienced as she is, even she was able to grasp the cheeky analogy.

And as much as she trembles with excitement at the idea of growing a family with Dongfang Qingcang, she wants to spend quite a long while alone with him beforehand. With how intense her spring urges are after having only kissed and touched above clothing, she's uncertain how long the potency of her insatiable desperation for him will encompass her lowest meridian once they've been skin to skin with him inside of her.

She struggles to keep her needy wriggle subtle as she hides her face behind her hands to conceal the tingly sting of a flush spreading across the round area.

“Ah! So our Little Flower Spirit has intentions tonight!” Jieli cackles, pulling one of her hands free so her cheek is open to the pinch it receives despite her attempts to twist away. “Ready to become a woman now, hmm?”

“Jieli!” she whines through her fluster, patting at Jieli's wrist until she is mercifully released. She lets out a deep pitable breath as her bottom lip sticks out.

But after a moment, she bites her lip instead, and gives a shy nod of agreement. She understands the idea of ‘becoming a woman’ now too. And she is most definitely ready.

Jieli begins pulling forward colorful powders, brushes, and various lip stain pigments. “All right, so there shouldn't be any performance issues with a cultivation like that, which is a huge win for you, Little Orchid. Do what comes natural and you'll be fine. His Lordship is very attentive of you, so you shouldn't have any concerns.”

She furrows her brows, perplexed. Performance issues? Concerns?

“Just…” Jieli turns and her head tilts back when Jieli pokes her forehead with a stern frown, her tone no nonsense as she says, “Don't be afraid to voice your wants and needs! Believe it or not, you're the one who holds all the power! You have the right to stop and leave him begging for more! And don't be afraid to kick him between the legs either and tell him what he's done wrong if it hurts!”

She opens her mouth, a little wide eyed, but Jieli is leaning so their faces are close together again, features twisting into a nervous grimace.

Jieli whispers, “Don't… tell him I said as such though, okay?”

In the whirl of blurted words that is Jieli's usual mode of communication, she simply nods with a warm smile.

Collaborating together, her lips become stained a glossy, plump red, her eyelids a smokey peach color with little gold stars dropping from the outer edges of her eyes, and using her own hand, she depicts six crimson petals within the center of a gold crescent moon above the center of her brow.

Her afternoon with Jieli is the fun departure she needed to forget about the insistent, erratic, pulses of anticipation stuffing her stomach full. But now that she's back in her room, alone again, a mere hour before the sun sinks below the horizon, it's all she can do to keep from wearing a hole through the floor.

The only thing that slows her is lifting the green silk from over the tray she sat on her vanity after putting her wedding dress back on.

Her phoenix crown comes into full view.

It glimmers spectacularly, even in the fading sun and flickering candle lights. The suspension charm she had placed upon the flowers when she plucked them at dawn days ago and has refreshed daily, maintains their dewy glisten, giving them a glass-like appearance. Clusters of peach blossoms and orchids are woven into a delicate arch with a lotus bloom anchoring each side. Strings of gold dotted with ruby gems she had found in one of the treasure houses, dangle attractively along the sides.

As opposed to the everlasting seal she placed upon the token Da Mutou wears, she keeps the stems in their natural weave, knowing she'll build onto it in the future. Even though Da Mutou is happy to marry her in secret, she knows he'll eventually want to marry her before the Moon Tribe as well, and having a more extravagant phoenix crown will be necessary. For now though, she wants her crown to reflect Little Flower Orchid as closely as possible.

She settles it on her head, situating it so that it accentuates the bouquet of roses her hair imitates. Then she steps back into full view.

And hastily needs to swipe away the tears that have made a break for it, when seeing the bride she has become. As her wrist glides off her cheek, crimson sparks floating around smoky spread wings appear within the mirror.

She whirls around and Da Mutou is there staring as wide eyed at her as she is at him.

She doesn't breathe for a long time, taking in the sheer resplendent vision he makes as her sustenance instead.

In colors identical to her own, Dongfang Qingcang cuts a regal figure in robes and dress tailored to praise the wiry from it folds around. He quite literally sparkles in the low light from the sequins sewn down the fitted sleeves, the sheen of silk and reflective, detailed stitch work utilized to bring moons, stars, and flowers to relief, and the immaculate crown that graces his head.

It is not one she has seen before. It could very well have been harvested straight from the roots of Dark Pine Forest, the wood, lacquered in gold and dabbed in cerulean, branches from a silver crescent in a forward curve, stretching and winding out into raspberry red gnarls.

It is as if a being from Heaven has materialized before her eyes. Looking away would be sinful.

“You are the most beautiful being who has ever existed, who ever will exist.” He closes the distance between them, and her skin starts to feel as if it's humming with awareness, her heart slamming against her ribs.

When he is right in front of her, she is shaking, the happiness inside of her too immense for her to contain. Then his knuckles dust across her cheek, his fingers fanning out around her neck as his thumb traces her jaw. He is touching her. After hours and hours.

She presses herself flush against him, hands splaying over his shoulders, her cheeks smarting from how freely she smiles as she looks up at her heart, her soul, her most favorite person in all the three realms.

I love you I love you I love you—

“Even when we grow old together,” his thumb brushes a line across her cheek, “and crinkles sprout from your eyes and your hair turns white, you will still be as breathtaking as you are today, Xiǎo Huāyāo.”

Her eyes flutter as her throat tightens up. He never lets her down. “You always say such pretty words, Da Mutou.” She pouts before breaking into a bright laugh.

She fills his eyes as his features melt into the sweetest joy. “I only say what you make me feel.”

Pinkening further at this, she winds her arms around his neck, her breaths coming easier the closer she becomes. “Well, you're magnificent.” She takes one hand, traces his brow under her thumb, feathers her fingers around his eye, slides her index and middle fingers down his inviting mouth. “So beautiful…”

He smirks. “Even without the green skin and lice?”

Snorting unexpectedly, she tries to hide her chortles, but he catches her hand, seeming to bask in her unfiltered laughter. “Yes, compared to that!” she gasps, slowly calming as she leans her head against his chest, snuggling him for a moment while her knuckles are lavished with silken kisses.

Leaning back, she looks into his soulful eyes while he rests his cheek against the back of her hand, and a tear squeezes free at how thankful she is to have met him. “Sometimes I look at you and forget what I'm going to say because you're so stunning, inside and out. My spirit cannot wait to spend the rest of forever entwined with yours.”

“Can I kiss you? Just once?” he whispers, turning her hand so it molds to his face, his eyes bearing a raw ache she will not deny.

She tilts her mouth up, and he meets her in a petal soft kiss. She wants to weep at such gentleness, such tenderness.

His arm holds her closer as his tear catches on her thumb, releasing two of her own.

She will prostrate herself before the one who created his soul and placed it within her care, will do anything in gratitude for the life with him she has been blessed with.

He pulls back the barest hint, forehead resting against hers as his air feeds her lungs and her own returns the favor. “Come, Xiǎo Huāyāo. Let's get married.”

It takes a massive effort to keep her magic contained enough so that she does not literally take flight. As it stands, they wobble through the hall, arms hooked together, invisible and unheard to all but each other as they giggle and snicker like giddy children.

She takes to the air again, hovering at his side while he dutifully guides her along, his toothy grin unrelenting.

“You did this to me!” she accuses breathlessly elated, her hand tangled with his while the other clutches his bicep. He makes her feel weightless.

“Do you want me to stop?” he lifts an eyebrow, cheeks crinkled around his smile. He looks like bliss.

She kisses the warm curve and sighs. “Never.”

Her emotions are contained enough that when they reach the intended hall, her feet obey gravity's laws.

The last time she was here, her heart bled with empathy, with pain. She had wanted nothing more than to take away his hurt. But at the same time, she knew what he was going through, he needed to endure and experience. The pain of sorrow, the pain of loss, the pain of love. What brought her peace was knowing he wasn't alone through it, that he had her every step of the way. That he wanted her with him through it all.

When they stop within the entranceway to the former Moon Supreme's chambers, it's absent of light, impossible to see. Until she hears a familiar snap.

The place in her memories has been transformed. The gloomy, abandoned, haunted aura is all but missing, replaced by a touch of life.

Cobwebs are replaced by arcs of creeping vines blooming with shades of velvety dark green, ruffled crimson, honey gold, and morning glory blue. Fireflies bob and weave through the foliage, their cobalt glow trickling down in a sparkling mist. Sconces reflect fiery gold speckles of light across every surface. The unruly grass has been tamed to a comfortable height, appearing almost azure in the blanket of night. The furniture that had fallen into disrepair and was overtaken by wild grass have been restored, but not entirely to former glory, giving them an antiquated look.

She fills her lungs with the fragrant blend of flourishing flowers, the crisp scent of evening grass, hears the gurgle of running water not too far off, and feels as if she has been transported to a little slice of nature. When her lungs reach their fullest point, she drops down and begins to remove her crimson boots as if compelled to do so.

She does not know why she has always wanted to skip barefoot through Shuyu Forest before, to feel the grass beneath her feet and find streams with weathered rocks to hop across. But she was never brave enough, always afraid someone would catch her with her boots in her hands and find something else to pick on her for. Hasn't even dared to stick her toes within the grass of her own greenhouse, either of them, so stuck on the idea of it being improper.

But now she stands tall with her boots discarded beside her, feeling the cool tickle of grass wedged between her toes, and only knows the sensation of an empty spot within her chest that's swiftly filled with gleeful relief now that a long bared weight has been removed.

Da Mutou bending down to take off his own boots makes her wonder if she's actually asleep and having a lucid dream.

“I want to know why you like it, and see if I do too,” he answers her unvoiced question while moving his boots to the side.

It's impossible not to think of the man who tossed the ecences of flowers at her, chased her through gardens, and had a tickle fight with her without a second thought or care for who might have seen. He made this place exactly what they would both love without any input, using his own two hands, grass stains and all, just as she did when designing their Fate Marks.

He takes her quivering hand and presses it to his chest right over his racing heart in a wordless gesture of I love you too.

“Did I do well?” he asks in the softest of voices, wearing that little, sweet smile she adores.

She squeezes her lips together and sniffs to keep from overflowing altogether before they have even begun. “You did perfectly,” she croaks, falling into the misty eyed, smitten look he gives her.

He brings her knuckles to his lips, then releases her with a slow breath. “Then let's not waste another moment.”

Da Mutou offers his left arm. Feeling more steady than she ever has in her life, she lowers her right on top.

In synchrony, they start down the path they will bear together from now on. There are bumps here and there, but the red flowers that sprout along the way speak of perseverance, of brightness to look forward to beyond each trial, each test.

Her footing never hesitates and neither does her Da Mutou's. Their gaze remains true to each other until they reach the former Moon Supreme's throne which they turn together to face.

When discussing where the wedding would take place, she hadn't had any significant places in mind that would be discreet. Her suggestion had been the gazebo that had looked out across a vast majority of the Cangyan Sea and Da Mutou had seemed open to the idea. It was the wrinkle between his brows that had her nudging him to voice his idea.

“I wish my father could have been there. I wish things could have been different.”

“And why can't he be there, even if it's only in spirit?” she had countered, cradling his hand within her lap.

There were no ranxi flowers left in existence, but that didn't mean there wasn't a place they couldn't be as close to the former Moon Supreme as possible which Da Mutou had immediately understood from the boyish smile he had given her.

They both lower to their knees. Hands raised in the air, her left cups her right, then her right cups her left. Bowing until she is prone on the grassy floor with Da Mutou parallel beside her, she honors his father, the closest she can get to thanking the one who brought Dongfang Qingcang’s primordial spirit into being.

They lift upright from their horizontal positions, and she turns to Da Mutou first, discovering a wistful expression painted across his features streaked in silver and amber as he gazes at the Former Moon Supreme’s throne. He is slow to face her, but quick to collect her hands. He brightens the way a sunrise does, gradual and worth being there to see, worth waiting for.

“Father… I have brought the woman I plan to spend my life with. She is… the most incredible person I know.” A breathy wisp of a laugh escapes him as he raises his hand, grazes her jaw with the pads of his fingers the way one would a miracle.

A flush of tingles races down her skin, then swoops back up to flutter in her belly while she is engulfed within the certainly in his gaze.

“She is a stubborn, determined, willful little flower spirit with the biggest heart. She has never turned her back on me, even when she ought to have.”

Her breath falters. Her eyes grow damp. She lowers her head, feeling fissures race through her composure. But Da Mutou catches her chin, raises her head and looks at her with eyes as teary and trembly as her own.

“She looks at me, and sees someone she wants to care for, someone she wants to protect, someone she wants to love. And I want her by my side always, more than anything else. Through weal and woe, fortune and misfortune, through this life and the next, she will be my equal, my Moon Queen, the light the Cangyan Sea has lacked for millenia.”

She watches him swallow thickly, goes with relief when he draws her forehead to his, tightens her grip when he tightens his.

His sigh warms her lips, a tiny shiver curling up her spine when his knuckles trace the length of her neck. “And I will do anything in my power to keep my wife safe, happy, healthy… and my chubby cheeked little imp.”

She chokes out a sudden laugh, shoving his chest with her free hand as their laughter melds into their stray tears.

“Former Moon Supreme Lord, your son is so mean to me. I don't know if I want him to be my husband anymore…” she pouts dramatically, drooping into herself as she trails a finger through the grass in between them.

Da Mutou pinches his lips together, hiding his mirth in a flimsy show of remorse.

She taps her jaw for a moment before letting out a long exhale. “He does have a beautiful smile though…” she hedges until he reveals its splendor in all its soft glory. “So I've been persuaded to change my mind.”

Collecting his hands in hers, she studies his knuckles, the little bones that stretch up towards his wrists, feels the texture of his calluses, the length of his fingers, the way the fit around hers, all the things she could recognize were she blind, and feels her chest grow tight.

“Your son means everything to me.” She clenches her jaw against the stinging pressure in her throat, then forces herself to find his rapt gaze, wanting him to see, to know the traces he has left across her soul.

“Most people look down on me, because I'm weak grass without a name. But this no longer matters to me. Dongfang Qingcang is my home. He is my family. The people of the Cangyan Sea are my own. And I will give everything that I am to make certain no harm comes to my husband or our people.”

His features are a little scrunched as he sniffs sporadically, his mouth trembling from the force of holding himself together. She brings their joined hands up to her mouth to press her lips to the back of his, watches with shining eyes as adoration drives his free hand to catch hers and brings it up to mold to his cheek. He seems to fall into peace, his tearful eyes shutting halfway just from her touch, her tender caress.

“I may be weak and nameless, but that does not make me incapable. Your son will have my shoulder to cry on and my arms to find comfort in,” she pulls him there now where he falls into her, her ribs straining a touch from the strength of his hold.

She strokes his back as his tears trickle down her neck. “He will have endless love from my heart and my body to shield him from harm,” she whispers, turning her face into his hair as she sniffles and breathes in his comforting scent. “As long as I draw breath, his burdens will be halved and he will never be lonely.”

He leans back, captures her face between his hands and pulls her mouth to his before her next breath.

It feels like stars colliding. Glittering heat, blinding colors, opposites melding. He finds her again like souls brushing, their edges just barely fusing, and she cups the nape of his neck, on edge, needing more. Their breaths rattle and his lips slot back over hers, taking more, giving more, yet she feels only marginally closer. She wants to take his spirit inside of hers, wants to disappear into his, over and over until their essences are so blended, two become one.

Her arms shoot down to loop around his chest, urging him to spread out over her, when his mouth tugs free of hers. His hands are shaking as he takes unsteady breaths. She feels the slide of his fingers dragging her hair back around her cheek as she peels dazed eyes open.

“We have a ceremony to complete first, Xiǎo Huāyāo…”

Her face feels prickly as the outside world creeps back in. She attempts a full breath of her own, nodding swiftly.

He eases back across from her, his posture straightening as he assumes a lotus position.

At once, jitters start multiplying underneath her skin by the thousands. She doesn't know why. She's practiced this what feels like hundreds of times. She's ready. But…

His hands close around hers, warming her cold digits. There's no sign of doubt when he looks at her. “Don't rush. You'll get it right.” Da Mutou's mouth cants up to one side, and the ways in which they made her more adept at collecting her heart blood with a racing heart all come back to mind.

The prickling blush in her features intensifies, but her certainty returns as she nods again. She mirrors his position, then slips behind the veil of darkness of her closed eyes.

Reaching into her being, a small stream of her spirit energy begins to peel away from the golden vaporous core with familiar ease, to her relief. Her heart is in full sprint, but the rhythm of the chambers feels like second nature.

The blood pools into a drop that flows down her outstretched arm and out of her palm with a faint sting that fades not long after.

She jumps with a broad grin when she opens her eyes to see it floating, crimson-dark, rimmed in flashes of flickering amber and silver from the candles and moonlight, in the center of her hand. His toothy smile is her delight to savor as she offers her right arm to him.

He guides the sleeve of her dress up, then soaks his index and middle fingers in his blood. The heat of his heart blood lingers as he draws an upward spiral into her skin from mid forearm ending in her open palm. His voice is thick, but his gaze holds hers soundly. “With this blood, I belong to my wife, Xiǎo Huāyāo.”

She freezes, breath sticking within the abrupt tightness of her throat. Blinking firmly, she does her best to collect herself after his unexpected vow, and gently pushes the sleeve back from his offered left arm. Temporarily removing her token and placing it into her lap, she soaks her two fingers within her blood.

Cinnabar was used when they prepared for this beforehand, so the slicker texture and stark heat of her blood causes a slight pause. But then she is drawing the spiral up his arm, reflecting the one he drew on her, ending in the dip within his splayed palm with a flourish.

Replacing his token once again, she cups his hand while repeating the words that seem to leap off her tongue, feeling ironically from her heart. “With this blood, I belong to my husband, Dongfang Qingcang.”

His eyes are tremulous when they align their palms, her fingers sinking into the open spaces that welcome her home.

Faster than a blink, her spirit energy as if drawn from her, rushes down her arm to collide with his in the middle.

A breeze sweeps across her back, curls around her right where she sees it flick at his hair and loose folds to curve into her again, stronger, starting a windy cycle.

Her eyes snap to Da Mutou, finding his eyes fixed on their joined hands an instant before cerulean flares into her vision, stinging in its luminance. His focus is her calm even as the wind whistles, whipping out his hair and their loose clothing, carrying a tangy sharp scent of ancient magic and streaks of red petals.

She squints down at their arms where flames wave and flutter from their lower forearms, at the start of the blood. Reminiscent of the Hellfire she has not seen since Da Mutou was recovering from their encounter with the immortals, the fire crawls up her skin in a path mirroring his, feeling icy as if it's leeching the heat he left there.

The core of her being yields more as if driving the fire. Her hand squeezes around his as she lurches from the force, but she refuses to wilt.

He squeezes back, drawing her eyes to the way concentration hones his features, the way magic is so attuned to his being. Shimmering like starlight through his tresses, peeling off his frame in glimmering shards of silvery blue light, flashing from his incandescent eyes.

Flushed with reverence, she takes a moment to unabashedly admire this god-like being contained within her sweet, boyish husband before the intensifying tug inside her reclaims her attention.

Higher the flames climb, deepening with a touch of purple, then blooming outward into a burst of raspberry red that tickles her skin with balmy heat.

And makes her feel as if she's run nonstop for days on end.

She grimaces, and his free hand scoops up her own, even though his visible attention doesn't waver. “Just a little longer.” His voice is smooth, soothing as his thumb strokes her hand.

She nods as her magic swirls into his, fueling the flames coiling towards their wrists.

But each breath comes harder than the next, her head feeling heavy, her bones feeling worn down. Soil that's been overworked and can bear no more immediately comes to mind. She grits her teeth harder, forcing down gulps of air. But she sags forward regardless, her cultivation scraping the bottom of her pitiful pail.

We are writing our own destiny, deciding our own fate, knowing that the world will stand against our choice, but still picking each other anyway, yet I can't muster up enough strength to demonstrate my resolve?

Her inner fury only worsens the strain as her bleary eyes wobble from the fire creeping up the heel of their wrists to Da Mutou's unwavering features.

He looks up.

Her body hits rock bottom, her vision darkens around the edges.

She feels his hand jerk away from her own, but the enchantment draining her dry is binding. She falls against his chest, her hand locked with his.

“Xiǎo Huāyāo! Xiǎo Huāyāo, hold on! I'm ending this. If I have to cut off my damn hand, I will end this—”

The wind shifts into a howl against her ears, its violent rumble growing distant, then fading with the closing of her eyes—

She's been here before. In this darkness, in this endless waiting.

It is not bad in this place of quiet, of stillness. It is restful, stable. The place she grows. It will exist as long as she does. Though… she knows there is something after this. There was something before this too. She just can't seem to remember what.

Her formless body settles in to wait.

However, a new edition joins her soon after, stirring in its peculiarity. It winks and flashes, floating with the airiness of a pearlescent feather. She hovers around it, follows it down, down, down, waiting.

The gold little spark catches on the weary ashes of her core.

A sun-like blaze radiates across the void in a replenishing wave.

—Her body jolts up, forcing her eyes open just as pinks and greens shine bright in dazzling rays from the creases of their joined hands.

And something brighter illuminates behind Da Mutou as well, ensnaring her gaze.

Her spine stiffens.

Three figures stand swathed in a glaring white, too blinding to fully through. Even squinting, she barely parses out the shapes of a couple and a man. The man is more familiar than the other two, with his long hair and beard.

For a long moment, her eyes strain on the couple who's foggy mouths curl up in damp smiles, then trail over towards the man who gives a jerky bob of his head, his mouth shaky in its upward curve. His lips form words too misty to discern before they all dissolve in a dream-like haze.

Her heart aches.

“Xiǎo Huāyāo?”

Hands cup her face, her own reaching up to grip his wrists as her vision fills with the sight of his familiar face. The sheer relief that washes through his features when their eyes join causes her soul to melt.

“That was not worth it,” he draws her forehead against his own, “was not worth you—”

“You wanted it as much as I did,” she shakes her head, an easy smile sliding onto her lips. “Don't underestimate me.”

He brings her forehead to his mouth where his lips linger for a long while.

That was a little scary. But she made it through unscathed, and feels as energized as she has been since waking up to this wonderful day. Since she had less, the enchantment on her side must have just drawn from her near entirely before rebounding back into her once completed.

When he backs away, his exhale is shaky as he lifts her across his lap, tucks her close. “I just love you so much.”

She nods against his chin, hand coming up to hold his cheek, but she gasps shrilly when it comes into view.

His hands are smoothing over her body, patting her with tangible concern, but she only has eyes for one thing. “D-da Mutou! Look!”

When he stills, she snatches his left arm and holds it close to her right. Her vision starts to blur, but she blinks impatiently to clear it. “They’re alive,” she says in breathless wonder, awe so stark she loses touch with words.

The flames flow with faint yet lifelike luminance, seeming to breathe with each flare, reaching, always reaching for the orchid fully blossomed within their palms. The orchid’s petals spread wider whenever the flames crackle beneath it, cradling it in constant warmth, protection, and companionship, a service it devotedly provides as if it's fulfilling its purpose, its reason for existence.

“They seem happy,” Da Mutou whispers hoarsely, arm wrapped around her squeezing once before transitioning into the stroke of his hand up and down her arm.

She presses her fingers into his skin over the Fate Mark, feeling his usual, warm firmness, but there's an aura that she intrinsically recognizes as them there as well. “It's like looking at the moment we decided to join our lives, becoming husband and wife, all our happiness frozen in time.”

Her face is guided up as he dips down to meet her.

Her racing heart skips several beats before she presses closer. Her shaking hand sliding up his chest to hook around his neck when the sensuous suck on her upper lip leads her open, allowing him to sink into her in a languid fashion that draws a breathy hum from her lungs. The lazy stroke of his tongue before he twists his mouth over hers and sinks in again, makes it seem as if he has all the time in the world to touch her, to tease her, to find pleasure in her…

Her body comes alive in a simmering heat. It blooms up from between her clenching legs, climbs up her tingling chest, and fan across blushing face.

This is not the riverside of the Cangyan Sea she realizes, throwing both arms tight around his shoulders and meeting him in the middle with an eager moan. This is their actual wedding night. There's no longer a reason they have to stop.

He rises, his arms securing her close as their lips part. He carries her back down the aisle as she hugs him with all the love in her, knowing he feels it without his You Jade Ring or her Heart-Hiding Pin. The fireflies floating and bobbing about, colorful petals fluttering down – his visible earnestness enchants her all over again. She cannot think of a better way to have married her husband.

Nestling her head against his neck, she tells him, “I wouldn't have wanted you to hurt yourself for me, Da Mutou…”

“Had you not opened your eyes…” he sighs, slowing to a stop where he leans his cheek against her head. “The enchantment was taking from our spirit energies in equal measures. Anything I attempted to offer you was redirected back into the creation of the Fate Marks, which caused it to draw more from you in turn. I could think of no other way.” He starts forward once more, her knuckles brushing down the side of his neck in offered comfort, though she knows inherently the way he holds her now is the balm he seeks.

“You underestimate me, Xiǎo Huāyāo. I would do anything for you.”

He steps out of the former Moon Supreme's chambers, resealing it in darkness behind them.

#lbfad fanfic #xiao lanhua #canglan #dongfang qingcang #my writing #Rust #unbeta'd #Everlasting

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elliottenoire · 1 month ago

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i hate having to rework all my character designs.

i made franciscos current design back in February because I was having art block and i couldn’t draw any of my characters because they were too complex. And now that I look at it, I don’t really like franciscos design that much :( it feels more like an ugly demo rather than something final. it also looks super simplified in comparison to my other characters and im sick and tired of convincing myself that it’s because he’s “built different metaphysically.”

i have a general gist of what i want him to look like, but idk what to do. i still like the spiked hair and the scars, but i think ive been drawing him too skinny and less robot-like. ive been really when it comes to designing his clothes, but im building a good pinterest board rn to get inspiration. i still like the baggy jeans, but ive been seeing a lot of karakuri tamashii jeans in my feed and i think they’re perfect for him (not so perfect for me when i have to draw them, but it’s whatever. maybe i’ll design the embroidery in its own thing and warp it whenever i need to show his legs.) ive also been seeing a lot of baggy t shirts with these japanese woodblock painting-esque designs on them and they match very well with the jeans. ive also been really lazy about accessorizing him, but i bet he wouldn’t mind a couple fun necklaces and bracelets. maybe some cool statement belts as well. with the clothes maybe i could incorporate some patchwork or some fun textures to but idk glfivofjfbrk

i drafted up some cool jeans for him, but idk if they look good enough

what’s REALLY bothering me is his face. i really want to go for a tbhk feel with the eyes, but i don’t know how to fit them on his face without it looking weird. the overall shape of his face is bothering me too. and his nose. and his mouth. deadass they’ve just been little curved lines over the past 8 months and while it’s really convenient for drawing him quickly, it’s really fucking boring. i need to find a better face shape to put him in.

besides Francisco, there are some characters that i have completely down, and there are some that i haven’t even designed yet.

I haven’t drawn Osi, Hoshiakari, Raymond, Heavens, Dr. Chambers, Constantine or Lilith in months (at least in full-body, so i gotta put together some fits for them.) I’ve never drawn Benjamin, Giovanni, Marco, Paisley, Ophelia, or Chloe in any final way. And for Garien, Cathi, and Klaudiana, it’s been literal YEARS and none of their old designs are acceptable. Really the only one that has a clear, solid final design is Mr. 404, and he’s just a king penguin with a big ass robe and some jewelry. im currently working on a Hoshiakari reference, but that’s more for anatomy and mapping her freckles. If I make it digital, maybe I’ll put some clothes on her, but I’ll probably have to make another pinterest board. AND I HAVE SO MANY HARD ASS CHARACTER DESIGNS THAT I CANT EVEN USE BECAUSE NONE OF MY CHARACTERS MATCH. HOW THE FUCK HAS IT BEEN ALMOST 3 YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT AND NONE OF MY CHARACTERS EXCEPT FOR THE BIG PENGUIN MAN HAVE FINAL DESIGNS.

to be fair i do have a pretty good idea for what some of them dress like, i just gotta actually put it together…

fuck. i need help. someone help me.

#0986

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lostandfoundbook · 5 months ago

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Chapter 25

Read it on AO3

Read it on Wattpad

When Alexandria woke up, she noticed she was alone. The light casting through the windows was minimal as the sun hadn't reached it's peak yet, and most of the buildings blocked it's view from entering the massive hotel. She ran her hand through her hand and attempted to detangle it as best she could before standing up and taking her IV all the way across the room.

She made her way into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. She had made it a habit of doing this, and the vanity in her bedroom wouldn't do her justice. She needed a full body view of what was happening. She had been getting better meals since she got transferred, and she noticed her curves were slowly being withered away at.

She needed to work out once she got out of this hospital bed. She found the hairbrush on the counter next to the sink and ran it through whatever knots were leftover in her hair from her finger-brushing earlier. It 'clunked' and ripped as she tugged away at her hair, disregarding any notion that she was supposed to be delicate in this situation.

A couple thoughts ran through her head as she did this. One, was she going to be able to get back into performing soon? That was always where her brain went after a long haul of resting. She had all this energy brimming at her finger tips and nothing to do with it, and it just wanted to be free. She needed to release it into the world somehow, however it's possible.

She let the air in her lungs rush past her lips as a sigh escaped. She looked tired still, but the bruising around her face was doing much better today. The previous color of amber and Arabian gold bruising had slowly turned into the light colors of brown and squash orange with the tiniest hints of yellow spanning across the bridge of her nose and under her eyes.

She rubbed her hand across her bandage on her chest and wondered when she would get her stitches removed. In a week? A couple months? How long was she to be confined to one locations? Restricted to specific movements? How long would she be a prisoner in her own body with her mind bursting full of potential? She didn't have an answer to any of these, and it stressed her out.

She cranked her neck side to side in an attempt to crack her neck. Her entire body felt stiff, and she could really use a massage. It sounded like somebody placed rocks in her shoulders as she stretched them out and wriggled underneath herself to get the pressure to release. She eventually stopped and made her way back into the bedroom.

Not much happened in her day to day life. She woke up; got dressed; brushed her teeth and hair; washed her face; do make up depending on the day; took her medicine; did PT; got back in bed; watched TV all day; wrote in her journal; wrote poetry; and so many other things to pass the time. There was nothing to do all day, but at least she was free from the re-runs from the hospital channels.

A knock was placed on her door and her head tilted up as Avery made her way into the room. "Hey, girl! How have you been doing since we last talked?" her voice was smooth and welcoming, like it beckoned Alex to come closer and listen. She thought about the last conversation they had, and how emotionally charged it was.

Alex let a smile draw across her face. "I'm doing better, now. Thank you for talking with me. I really appreciate you being there." Avery shut the door behind her as she stepped inside and made her way across the distance to sit at the stool at the end of Alex's bed. "Of course! I'll always be there for you. I want you to know that people are always looking out for you. Literally. We've had security upped massively since the attack."

Alex's lips formed a line. She didn't like the idea of Oliver expending anymore resources on her than necessary, and upping security sounded... unnecessary. Everette was in custody. He couldn't hurt her anymore. Who else was Oliver worried about? "Well, I don't know if I really need that, you know what I mean?"

Avery paused. "There was no one downstairs, Alex. They were all busy. I don't even know what they were doing. I don't know why they weren't at the front door. A lot of people got fired, and we're training a lot of new people. I do think its needed." She had a look of seriousness washed over her face. Alex nodded as she spoke. "I know. I was there."

The ginger girl stiffened at Alex's reply. "I'm sorry.. I didn't mean it like that.." a look of regret was pasted onto her face, and it made Alex cringe. "I know, I'm sorry. I just mean... I get it. I just think it's going to restrict me a lot." Alex tore away at her cuticles as she talked. She really needed a mani-pedi, pronto. "I don't like the idea of being controlled all the time." she finished and looked at her bedsheets.

They were a tan-ish white color, and for some reason, she was really interested in them. It was all she could do to not focus on the conversation at hand. It felt too heavy, too serious, and something like she really had to commit her words towards. She wasn't ready for that.

"I get that, love. But it's for everyone's safety, not just yours. It also helps the patrons here, as well as the guests showing up to the event next week." Avery spoke. She was wearing a white button up shirt with two of the top buttons undone. Comfortable, but still classy. On her legs she dawned a black pencil skirt with a pair of black square heel shoes. She looked pretty.

Her pair was pulled into a bun, and she had two strands of hair falling out, framing her face. She also wore a pair of glasses, likely for reading, because she didn't wear them often. She must have been busy working before this.

Alex get excited at the words spoken to her, however. "What kind of event if Oliver putting on? Am I allowed to go?" Her barrage of questions was met with a smile across the ginger girls face. "Of course you can go. You'll probably be off your IV by then." Her voice was still filled with sugar and sweets, and it made Alex feel like she could really connect with her. "I will?" The blonde questioned out.

"Yes. They're talking about getting it out this week, so you should be fine to go a red carpet next week if you want. You can stay in the background and avoid questions, or you could use it as your time to take control of the narrative like you've been talking about. Whichever is easiest for you."

Alex let the thought settle in her stomach. She would be off of the morphine in a week, and will likely be placed on ibuprofen after that. She knew it would be a big adjustment with her injury and with her process of getting sober, but it's something she had to do if she wanted to get back to normal.

And, dear god, did she want to get back to normal. It was like a fire was lit within her lungs and she couldn't breath properly. She felt constrained in shackles and every time she tried to run or scream out, nothing happened. Her legs were made of jelly and her voice was stolen away. She was stuck, and she knew she was. She was a rabid animal pacing her cage back and forth daily, plotting her inevitable escape, and her escape would be this event.

"I'm definitely going, there's no question about that. The real question would be how long I stay for. It's going to be my first time getting out of this room and I want it to be a big deal!" Alex felt the words fall out of her mouth as if they weren't her own. She hadn't meant to be that honest about feeling trapped, but she didn't care. Maybe if other people picked up on it, they'd save her from this mess she was in.

Avery didn't even address her statement. "Listen, Al, It's going to be great. It's promoting 'Big Feelings' and Oliver has taken a bunch of submissions and ideas for this play that were submitted by the actors. It's really special and I think it's going to be a hit. Oliver doesn't necessarily agree, but..."

She was excited at the thought. Alex hadn't gotten the chance to just sit down and watch a good musical in a long time. She had been so busy with her album, theatre, and with Everette-- she never had the time to stop and smell the roses. She felt her muscles relax as she melted into the bed. "Yeah. I'm really glad I get to see this one live. Oliver is going to Benji's musical tomorrow and he's gonna FaceTime me, so I wont be missing everything."

Avery seemed to perk up at her comment, placing both on her hands on the bed. "That's really nice of him! You know, he doesn't like it when record performances, so this is a really big deal for him! I think it's really cute."

Cute? Had other people caught on to the little fling happening between them? "Yeah! I thought so, as well." Alex replied. She felt like she could trust Avery with her thoughts, like if she divulged them, they'd stay here in this room. It felt safe between the two. "I really like him, you know?" Alex added on and looked up towards the ceiling.

It was still early in the morning, and the sun was making its way into her bedroom by this point. It's golden hues bathed over the room and left a yellow glow over everything. It felt magical, like the moment was picked out of her childhood and replayed over again. Something about the way Avery's face twisted into a grin made her own stomach flip into butterflies.

"He talks a lot about you.. like, a lot. I think he likes you, too."

The rest of the day seemed to fly past quickly as 8am slowly turned into 9am, and then 10am. The golden glow of the room seemed to even out into the regular daily lighting of the sun, and Alex could see as it twinkles through her windows. Avery made her way out of the room around 9:30, and Alex was left to her lonesome again. Currently she was doing PT.

She had gotten better at it. She'd gotten into a groove of her reps, the pace-walk-pace-squat method she had figured out to get herself back into working order. It was basically everything she had been taught during PT, she just combined it all together, but she was getting bored. There was only so many reps you can do before you get worn out.

She made her way back over to her bed and sat her IV bag next to it before flopping face first into the bedsheets and pillows. It was an attack of velvet and fleece, and she could feel the comfort envelope her as she relaxed into it. She turned over to face the ceiling, and stared out, lost in thought. What was she supposed to be doing? Just sitting here all day? For weeks?

It was torture. It made her want to claw her skin away from her body to try to find release. It was like something was trapped inside of her, and the only way to get it out was by kicking, screaming, and biting her way through. It felt desperate and needy, and the only thing she could think to do to subside it was weed.

But currently, she was on a break, she told herself. It wasn't good for her lungs. It made her paranoid, and she dissociated when she smoked. These were all the reasons she told herself she didn't need it. She'd never admit to herself that the real reason was because of Everette. Mentally, she tied it to him, and it grasped onto her body like a clingy child.

She fought hard to suppress the memories of all the times he had gotten her hook on something new. Something foreign to her, but she trusted him. She shouldn't have trusted him. She knew it was all one big mistake, and she wanted to do anything she could to correct it. She fought internally with herself about it.

Weed, good. Weed, bad. Weed, good? Weed, Bad? What's happening in her brain. It fluttered back and forth as she argued, eventually stopping the turmoil by slapping her hands against the bed and sitting up straight. She wanted to do something. Anything. She sought purchase across the bedsheets as she scrambled her hands across the bed and found the laptops plastic cover beneath her fingertips.

She slid the screen open and scrolled around through her social media before getting back on track and pulling up her voice notes. She wanted to practice something, and get it out of her head before it disappeared. She hit record on the voice notes and started doing a couple scales before finally moving onto the verse in her head.

'Calling them incompetent 'cause I might need control, Recovering perfectionist, I'm learning to let go'

She could imagine the growl in the background behind her voice as she said it. It's how she felt. Releasing control to the universe and letting it to whatever it does. It felt extremely restless, and a real hair pulling process. Every piece of her screamed that it was wrong, she was supposed to be the one who was supreme control over her life.

But currently, she had to let that go. She couldn't control a stab wound and she couldn't control Everette. The only person she can control is herself, and it was one of the hardest things she had to do. To try to accept what happened to her, and move on from it. It felt impossible. It was a constant living nightmare that she couldn't wake up from no matter how hard she tried.

She recorded a few more words that popped into her head before she stopped recording and pulled the laptop closer to her lap. She pulled up her notes on her iCloud and started to write out some of what she was thinking. She wanted to make some sort of a post on social media, and add a vague reference to the song.

She knew she would write it. She'd jot it down slowly over the course of a week before she'll have people haul the musical equipment into her room so she can perfect it. She could imagine this song sung over a guitar, with a nice alt beat to her. Something in her had changed recently, and maybe it was just the life altering event she went through, but she felt like she was truly in a new era.

That was why it felt so crushing that she couldn't do anything with it. She couldn't record any visualizers or music videos, and she couldn't do any big red carpet events for it. All the things she had planned previous were taken away, and left before her was nothing, and copious amounts of time to think.

Thinking about her life, thinking about her past, and thinking about her future. It was her future that scared her the most. She didn't normally stop to think about what was happening next, but after what happened, she found that she couldn't live in the moment anymore. Another thing stolen from her.

She was stuck thinking about what will be, not what could have been. She didn't care what could have been. Alex almost died. She did die, she told herself. She didn't have time to sit there wondering about all the missed opportunities anymore, and she couldn't focus on the mistakes she made. It felt like they were all so small in comparison to everything else that could one day happen.

The media events, and press releases. The red carpets, and gala's. The parties, and the people she'd go with. The music she would one day release, and the art that would one day follow it. The relationships she will form with people, and the distances she will go. That's where her mind laid. It rested in the future, in what could one day be a reality if she just tried hard enough.

She'd have many appointments in the future, and she knew that limited her to the hotel in some sense. She'd always have to stay home for a certain period of time, likely a few months. It'd be two more week of stitches until they get removed, and then Alex wouldn't be limited in her range of motion. She'd still have to be careful, but nothing was stopping her. In one week, she'd be off of the drugs. She could well and truly get clean.

As she was thinking about this, she saw the lights under her doors get darker as if someone were standing here, and then a knock was placed at the door. It's something she never really thought about before, somebody knocking at her door, but currently it filled her with copious amounts of joy. There was nothing stopping her from interacting with people the way she craved.

Oliver slowly made his way into the room holding a couple of books in one arm, and a plate of food in his other hand. "I brought you stuff" he said out as he meandered over to the couch, sitting down. "Wow, thanks." Alex replied, standing up from her position in the bed. She swung her legs over the soft plush blankets and pushed herself to stand.

She grabbed ahold of her IV cart and dragged it along with her. "You got me books? I've got a lot of books upstairs." She said out as she approached the man and sat down. He shook his head in amusement before handing her the plate of food. "Eat"

His eyes had more of a spark to them today. They looked more lively, and less depressed. He seemed happy. The bags under his eyes had worn away from sleep and he was dawned in his usual white button up shirt and tie, with a pair of black pants. Alex took the plate from him and eyed it up. "It's a sandwich. You like sandwiches. Eat it."

She raised an eyebrow at him before taking a bite. It was turkey and swiss with lettuce, and the crust had been removed. It was a simple act of kindness that Alex appreciated. It tasted good and she could feel the leafy greens turning to energy as she swallowed. "There. Happy?"

He nodded in return. "Yes. Now look at these books. They're by a writer I really enjoy and I figured you haven't read any of the ones up there, so they must really suck." He had a sense of joy in his voice as he spoke out, displaying the different book covers as he did so. "That aren't bad, they're just autobiographies and that isn't really my style. I like something with substance."

Oliver lifted a blue book with yellow wording across it. It said 'When The Days Meet The Night' and it had an author on the title that she didn't recognize. "This one has substance. I mean, they all do, but this ones really lore heavy. You would probably like it." He handed it over to the girl before picking up a different book. "This one is a romance genre which isn't really my taste, but Waverly used to love them"

This was the first time Oliver had mentioned his fiancée to Alex since they had been out to dinner that one night. She grabbed the book and analyzed the cover of it. It was a cartoon art style with two people on the front. There were lines dotted all around them, reminiscent of string theory. She held the book between her hands firmly.

"I'll read them" Alex said out, meeting Oliver's eyes as she did so. It was a passionate moment between the two, and she could feel it in the air. It felt sweet and sugary, but different from the way it is with Avery. It was more carefree and effortless, like there was no question about it. It was beautiful to Alex, and she savored every moment. "Good" Oliver replied. "They're good books."

Alex let the silence fall between the two for a moment. She loved whenever this happened. It was a space for her and Oliver to just exist with each other in peace, with no interruptions coming their way. Nobody broke the silence this time, just a soft gaze between the two. It lasted for minutes before one of them looked away, but Alex couldn't tell who because she was busy lost in her thought.

Oliver was so willing to share a piece of his love life with her, so openly. It made her heart swell and she could feel a tingling in her stomach. The way he's willing to be open about Waverly was sweet, and he didn't have to do that. He could've shut Alex down that night, but he didn't. He also could've shut her down in the hospital, but she didn't. Alex thought it meant something.

There was a small piece of herself that told her that she couldn't allow herself to get close to him, but all the other pieces of her screamed for him. To hold him close, and inhale his scent. Be near him as much as possible. Alex wanted to be in his life, and she didn't know if he felt the same way.

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