#ive been unwell for weeks but ive been masking it

[littlemoondarling]

Just a little vent, I don't think it'll be triggering but I'll come back after I'm done to see if it is.

Future moony here tw for self harm and transphobia

I've been keeping a happy face for as long as I could, smiling and laughing and burying my anger down and ignoring all my problems just to live another day without making it difficult for the people I love.. but I'm tired, I feel like something inside me is broken, an important irreparable piece and I can't find anything to fix it with, I tape it up sometimes, cover it up, pretend it doesn't exist but the moment I allow my brain to think it goes back to center stage.

I can't help it. I think I was born wrong, I remember being four and holding a pen to my eyeball but never having the guts to actually stab it, I remember being six and sitting infront of the shoe rack and talk to the shoes, every one of them having a different personality. I remember being seven and daydreaming about my favourite character getting tortured. I remember when I was 11 and an old man who was my friend died and I couldn't even cry about it. I remember my 14th birthday where I hid in the bathroom and kept hitting my knee with a brush until it swelled twice the size.

I remember in seventh grade when my teacher humiliated me infront of everyone because I was staring at his hands when he was looking through papers, I remember how two years before that he also humiliated me infront of the class because I swallowed the gum and told him I wasn't chewing instead of being honest and telling him I was. He became my favourite teacher despite him never being kind to me, I don't know why, it scares me sometimes how attached I got to him, how much I loved him.

I remember when my teacher hugged and comforted my friend when she cried after being caught cheating on a test saying she can't handle seeing a kid cry but when I was reciting a few weeks later and she forced me to stop fidgeting with my hands making me too nervous to remember what I spent the entirety of thr day before memorising and crying she just told me to stand in the corner until the period ended, and then she did the same thing next week, insisting I recite the paragraph I couldn't and making me stand there crying infront of everyone.

I remember when my mom once told me she had a transgender friend, that she saw them crying in the bathroom about wanting be a man, how she comforted him and believed him. But when I cry and breakdown and hurt myself because of my dysphoria infront of her I'm... not trans, I'm just a silly little girl, and all silly little girls wish they were boys, but once they meet a big man who will stick his fat cock in them and get them pregnant they will realise that they really are a woman.

I don't know what I was born without, I don't know if.. If I will keep getting worse until I inevitably become another "We didn’t see any signs". I don't think anyone realises how hard I try to act like how a human is supposed to, to make the right amount of eye contact, to use the greetings other people use, I still feel so... odd.. like I'm always the odd one in any room, that everyone can tell I'm only acting that I'm not really like them that I'm fucked that something is wrong with this girl but they can't tell what.

I hate how emotional I am, how even the tiniest change in tone sends me into an anxiety attack, how I can't get over things as easily as others do. And I hate that I'm right when I'm anxious, when I fear I'm the last choice I always end up having been that, when I fear I did something wrong I always end up having done so even if they try to hide it.

I'm tired, tired of always being the one exception to people's empathy and kindness, tired of living in a country that's always under bombing and war, tired of not being able to be loved by anyone, tired of being constantly watched by a god who didn’t care to create me right, tired of my body and my hormones and the expectations that they set on me. I'm tired of waking up every day but being afraid of dying and going to hell. I'm tired of never seeing my aunt eventhough I know she wouldn't have loved me the same way if she knew I was queer and trans. I'm tired of every waking minute being reminded of this wrongness in me, of every interaction I have with my closest of friends feeling like a landmine, a dance between being useful and understanding enough that they don't just drop me and not being tryhard and too much that I weird them out.

I just want to be normal, I want to love normally and feel normally and behave normally. I wish I was born okay.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

“hey so there’s been a bunch of exposures recently but we’re gonna have the volunteer party this week bc it’s outdoors so we’ll be fine. yeah it’s a bunch of people all talking maskless face to face in relatively close proximity but we’re outside so any transmission would of course be impossible” be so fucking for real

[cyberdragoninfinity]

some other bits of interest about dimensionswap (prime) AU dennis since he's my extra special poodle with a bite history ive been rotating at top speed in my brain this last week and i wanna throw some notes in my tag:

he runs ice barriers 💙 well. mostly. his ace is trishula but there might be another scary ice dragon lurking in his extra deck

his post-synchro arc duel academy Mini Boss outfit with the big crazy cape is inspired by Lancea, Ancestral Dragon of the Ice Mountain, which ended up working delightfully since in dswap Fusion dimension's associated color is white instead of purple

his ACTUAL secret second ace monster is one i made up <3 The miraculous merciless Mercury Mirror Magician!

shoutout to my buddy @/rampantlytyping for helping me iron out MMM's effects <3 i need to draw it sometime but it's this freaky weird warlock made of drippy quicksilver with solid 'mirror' masks that reflect monsters' faces back at them/cracks when it gets attacked. The card itself is super old and weathered but for a very long time Dennis never had the materials to actually summon it (since Ancient Gears are EARTH-based) :<

He trained in spycraft under one of Duel Academy's best students (Atticus <3) until something went really sideways on a mission and Dennis bungled something Big Time. But Atticus took the blame for the incident and ended up getting carded for it, and Dennis has been so deeply fucked up by the whole instance he can't even bear to think about it without slipping into a panic attack. He coped by swallowing Atticus's personality and using it as one of his many facades (it's like 90% of the outward persona he carries as Yuri's manager in Synchro. All cheery smiles. Laidback. Friendly)

(Alexis knows the truth of what happened, that Dennis's screw up was what ultimately got her brother carded, and she fucking haaaaaates Dennis for that. She had a chance to card him during a hunting game drill and the only thing that held her back was an adamant desire to Not be like the teachers who effectively killed her brother. and also to make dennis sit and stew in his own guilt lol. she ended up fleeing off to Yusho's resistance not long after)

He's just like. a Really a deeply dangerous and violent person and also still a massive liar and coward. he holds the nastiest grudges and never developed a creative outlet (dueltaining) so duels are just tools of power and destruction and survival to him. his demeanor can go icy in a heartbeat. Yugo has a scar on his shoulder from where Dennis once bit him hard enough to draw blood. HE IS UNWELL 😊

sorry mom i got attached to the AU dynamic between two characters who like barely interact in canon but dswap yugo and dennis have a bit of a winding history of interactions that go all the way back to when they were like eight and they make my chest hurt. duel academy's last and most lethal hunting hounds with no home to go back to. pain and agony on planet earth

[tiredbuthere]

Lyme

Taking you back through my Lyme journey in quotes from my blog.

"I’m sick with the flu. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. My throat, glands, neck and head are killing me. My muscles are hurting and so is my back." - April 25th 2008

-- looking back, this was from the tick bite not long before this.

"As the pregnancy went on I experienced terrible mood swings, depression in the first few months, overwhelm galore, fear, and nerves I’d never felt before. Then the remaining months of the pregnancy I was sick and in and out of the doctors offices and the ER. I was weak, and exhausted, and at one point couldn’t even sit up to eat." May 28th 2009

"I’ve been ‘down’ sick for the past few days. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Brain fog, general feeling of being unwell, and as though my body was fighting an infection." January 24th 2010

"I’ve had a lot of mysterious health symptoms in the past month. Really, in the past 1-2 years. But this past month they’ve gotten worse and a few strange ones have popped up. Among extreme fatigue, muscle weakness, muscle twitches and other general symptoms… I’m now dealing with a slow loss of my vision, horrible headaches and pressure in my head. A sinus that is draining, even with antibiotics — hypoglycemia and adrenaline issues… just to name a few." January 31st 2010

"She said, “here’s the astronaut gear” as she placed this vented ‘mask’ over my face while I laid flat on my back. My head was in a vice…okay, so maybe not a vice but I was locked in there pretty good. I had an IV in my arm for the die to push through my veins and into my head. With ear phones on with Christian music, I was pushed into the closed MRI. It might sound silly for someone to want to find something out… but after you’ve lived with pain left undiagnosed for so long you just want to know so you can take care of it and get on with life. And when ones health turns for the worse in only the span of a weeks time, one is even more hurried to find the root of the problem." February 4th 2010

I think I'll make a post about the long journey. It was such a journey. (still is)

[mumuho]

I need you to kiss me - Kai (pt. 3)

Supernatural AU! In which you accidentally establish a link between you and Kai, causing him to become dependent on your kisses for survival.

Fluuuuuuuff

Parts:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |

During the weekends you only meet up once. Kai usually stops by on Saturday on Sunday, depending on your schedule. It’s a bit of a hassle having to get ready and dressed on days when you really don’t want to go out but have to just to help him out. To make things less burdensome for you Kai offers to meet up at your place.

The arrangement between the two of you work out perfectly. Although the other tenants in your apartment complex have begun to notice the frequent appearance of the handsome young man. It seems as if he never stays more than a few minutes and they speculate about the nature of your relationship.

After three weeks of seeing Kai walking in and out of the building, most often wearing sunglasses, rumor begins to circulate.

He might be gang member! 

Drug dealer! 

What if he’s extorting the student? 

He’s wearing sunglasses to hide his identity!

On one Saturday afternoon as Kai once again steps inside the building he’s approached by the security guard. The guard interrogates him and only becomes more suspicious when Kai refuses to remove his sunglasses. Kai tries to convince the security guard that he isn’t participating in criminal activities and that he actually knows you.

After receiving the call from the reception you come down to the security guard’s office. Inwardly you’re panicking but outwardly you’re wearing a cross expression.

Kai doesn’t really understand why.

---

“Miss, the reason I called you down here is that there have been rumors about the relationship between the two of you. Normally it’s none of our business but there are rumors going around of criminal activities and I called you to hear if you could explain this.”

“I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience we’ve caused. First of all, he’s my boyfriend.”

It’s a good thing Kai’s wearing sunglasses, because it masks his surprised expression.

“We had a big fight a few weeks ago and ever since he’s been coming over here to apologize.”

Oh, so that’s why she was looking so mad.

“There’s really nothing shady going on, I’ve just not been very keen on speaking to him.”

---

Once back at your apartment the two of you let out a sigh of relief. 

“I guess, you better stay here for a while so they don’t get suspicious.”

And so, that is how Kai begins to spend more time at your place. 

---

One weekend in early December you go out of town and decide to meet up with Kai on Sunday afternoon. Usually when you meet up on Sundays, it’s normally before noon as Kai begins to feel a slight soreness and ache in his body if he goes longer without contact with you. It’s bearable, but rather inconvenient. 

By Sunday afternoon he steps into the building with his sunglasses on. His eyes now occupied by a blackness that covers half his eye. Outside there’s heavy snowfall and Kai leaves a trail of melted snow behind him as he walks up to your apartment.

There’s no answer when he rings the door bell. He presses the bell two more times before finally calling your cell.

“--ah, I’m outside your place, could you open?”

“Kai? You didn’t receive my text message?”

“What message?” He hears your curse on the other side of the phone. 

“I don’t know what the weather’s like back home but the snow’s falling like crazy. We had to stop because I couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of me. We’ll be back on the road as soon as the snowfall clears up a bit. Will you be fine?”

Kai nervously rubs his neck. Should he tell you about the other side effects of going no contact with you for too long? For fear of putting additional stress on you, on top of having to drive in such a conditions, Kai stays quiet.

“I know it’s inconvenient to have your eyes become black but please hold out for a while, okay?”

“When do you think you’ll be home?”

“We’re still a 2-hour drive away, I’ll text you once we’re back on the road.” 

---

“Kai!” You exclaim as you come out the elevator and spot him. Even from a distance it’s apparent he’s feeling unwell. He’s standing slightly hunched and when you come close you notice the perspiration. “Are you okay?” you ask, with worry in your voice “Did you come here despite feeling ill? You could’ve told me to come by your place instead!”

You unlock the door with lightening speed and usher him down onto the cushioned stool in your hallway. 

Without another word exchanged you grab his face and firmly plant your lips onto his. Kai’s hands find their way onto you, one tangled in your hair and the other gently placed against your cheek. 

For a long time you remain in that position, with your lips locked and the front door wide open for the world to see. You stay like that until Kai finally lets go of you. And it’s not because he’s feeling better but because he realizes he’s not.

You remove his sunglasses and only now see that his eyes look even worse than the first time you saw them like this. “Kai, your eyes, they’re not changing back.” It’s beginning to dawn on you that maybe there’s a connection between Kai’s physical state and his eyes.

“I figured.” His reply comes out as a weak whisper. Although he’s not perspiring as much it’s obvious Kai’s is still in pain. He leans back against the wall with his eyes closed. “Please call Sehun and tell him to come here immediately.”

“W-what, why?”

Calmly and quietly he says, “I’m not getting better and I need his help.” He doesn’t have the energy to elaborate any further and you don’t pester him either. 

----

Sehun’s quick to respond and while you wait for his arrival Kai only seems to get progressively worse. He lies on your bed, hair damp with sweat. You don’t know what to do other than put your lips to his because it seems to ease his pain at least.

The doorbell finally rings and Sehun comes barging in, throwing his shoes in the air as he does. 

He points at you and tells you to listen and do as he says as quickly as possible. “You need to digest half of this.” He holds up a bouquet of green herbs. “We need to cut it up and mix it with water. Follow me.”

He enters the kitchen with you in tow. “Cut this up and mix it with water, we’re going to make it into a paste.” 

You do as you’re told but Sehun doesn’t even bother grabbing a knife or a pair of scissors, he just starts tearing the herb with his bare hands. The two of you are back by Kai’s side in no time and you throw half the paste down and swallow it with one gulp before you’re even able to register the bitter taste. 

“Where’s his mark?” Sehun asks.

“Mark? What mark?”

“Kai, where’s the mark?” Sehun shakes his friend’s shoulders but doesn’t get anything other than unintelligible mumbling.

“There should be a physical mark on his body somewhere. We need to know exactly where the mark is in order to direct the energy.” He begins rolling up Kai’s sleeves and you do the same.

“What does the mark look like?”

“It’s just a circle. You’ll know it when you see it.”

The two of you scan Kai’s arms, his feet, neck and all the other easily accessible places. You’re only halfway through when you realize Sehun has been continuously asking you to check his side as well for the mark.

“Sehun, you can’t see the mark?”

“No. The mark is sacred. It’s not something an outsider is able to see.” 

Kai suddenly speaks up, startling the two of you. He places his hand on his left chest. “It’s here.”

Both you and Sehun immediately hover over him. “On your chest?” Sehun spares no time in waiting for Kai’s confirmation and cuts open his sweater in an instant. 

And there on Kai’s left chest you see it. Two circles, one contained within the other. “Is it supposed to look like scar tissue?” you ask. When Sehun had said “mark” you had imagined it to be more like a tattoo. 

Sehun gives you an affirmative answer and is quick to use what’s left of the paste to draw lines and shapes onto Kai’s upper body. 

“I’m done. Now, --ah, kiss the mark.”

Parts:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |

[sebbybooks]

Last Request (PT3)

Sebastian Stan x Fanfiction

"You've held your head up

You've fought the fight.

You bear the scars, You've

done your time. Listen to me

You've been lonely, too long."

-T.C.W

I once read a book about the meaning of forever. I can vividly remember why I was so compelled of wanting to read it in the first place. In the beginning it was a curiosity I had originally possessed I suppose, but growing up I had always seen my mother carry it with her just about every where she went. She would barely put it down, especially after my father's passing. I would watch as she studied the words and I wondered for many years what it was even about or what made her like it so much. One evening after dinner the curiosity that built up inside of me eventually consumed me. After we had cleaned the kitchen I finally blurted out the question. My mother turned around as she wiped her hands meticulously on a dish cloth, her gaze on the floor and her mind somewhere else.

"Mom?" I asked.

She snapped out of it and turned to face me and swept the back of her hand across my cheek. She faintly smiled at me as her golden brown eyes clouded with tears.

"Hopelessness." She said in a faint whisper.

The following week after her funeral I went to our old home to clean the house one last time. I found the book tucked between other hardbound novels on her small bookshelf. I pulled the book out and spent all afternoon sitting in one spot reading it just like she would have. To my dismay it didn't speak of forever being a resolute that we can hold onto. It did just the opposite. As I reached the last page the final line read that forever is a promise that the universe can not guarantee or keep. Perhaps I had loved Sebastian in another lifetime, because our forever was slowly disappearing before my eyes. I am reminded of what Fay Weldon once wrote "This is going to be a sad story. It has to be."

Sebastian didn't wake up yet. The events leading up before the paramedics arrived the moments in between came back to me in sped up fragments. Voices of concern pierced through my ears like white noise. I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he laid there on the museum floor. Earlier I knew he had looked unwell, but I wasn't aware of the extent to his condition. I thought it was just a cold coming on , never in my wildest imagination Sebastian would collapse right behind me. I wished I had never pushed him to come here with me. I wished I had never even got up from his bed and just stayed there with him even for just a few more seconds. I could have spent all day wishing for things I knew I couldn't change.

I watched as they lifted him unto a gurney. I choked back tears as I pleaded with them to tell me if he was alright. The paramedics communicated back and forth between each other as a they swiftly applied an oxygen mask to him. They barely looked into my direction. The only bit of useful information I got was the name of the hospital they were taking Sebastian to. I jogged to the car realizing that as soon as I reached for the door handle that Sebastian had drove his car to the museum and that his car keys were with him.

I loudly cursed under my breath causing people to stare at me. In that moment I felt defeated as I pressed my hands against the glass window on the side of his car. I took a few seconds to collect myself. Then I began to rummage through my purse for my phone to call for a taxi. My hands quivered as I dialed the number. I needed to remain calm for Sebastian and most of all I needed to remain calm for myself. The unsettling fear still loomed in the back of my mind. When I had finally arrived to the hospital I felt emotionally drained. I asked myself on the cab ride over how many times must I walk through these doors with a racing heartbeat?

In the emergency room I spoke to a woman from triage to try and locate Sebastian. She very was hesitant about giving his information to me. I had to provide what felt like an endless list of proof for verification.

"Miss I have to follow a strict policy and I can not hand out a patient's information to just anyone." Her silky black hair with strands of silver and gray was swept into a perfect bun behind her head. I didn't want to push her patience with me, but I was desperate to know where he was.

"I'm his girlfriend." I said short of breath. "I wouldn't even know who to call for him. So if you could please just tell me where did they take him?" I was slowly becoming embarrassed by listening to the desperation rise in my voice.

She looked back down eyeing her tablet. "But you're not listed as his emergency contact?" With a raised brow she looked up at me. The lines around her eyes pinched together as she narrowed her eyes at me with suspicion.

"How is that possible when he was just omitted today?" My voice came out shrill.

I can tell by her facial expressions that she was growing tired and frustrated with me. Though I was equally losing my patience as well. I needed to be with Sebastian. I had to see that he was okay, but the closer I got the harder it became to get to him. "From what it says here he has been a patient of Dr. Austen Pierce for more than a year." Taken by surprise I interrupted her.

"What?" I shrieked. I could feel a tsunami of bad feelings swallow me whole. "No you must have the wrong person." I laughed a humorless laugh. I felt a lump rising in my throat causing it to go completely dry. In the back of my mind I knew that there was something bothering Sebastian, that he had been carrying on like he was going through his own agonizing hell. The more I asked him about it the more he urged me to let it go and convinced me time after time that he was perfectly fine. But, I knew deep down he wasn't.

"Can you tell me what room he is in?" I managed to muster up and ask.

The nurse resumed her apathetic posture as her eyes glazed over me. "He just moved to room 303 east in the Respiratory Unit." She confessed. I realized that she had began to view me as a complete waste of her time.

Relief suddenly washed over me, because I was finally able to go see him. I would've ran to him if I could have. Stepping off of the elevator I felt my heart beating in my throat, I was suddenly petrified as I walked down the white halls of the hospital. Machines beeped all around me, people in different colored scrubs migrated through different areas as they busied themselves. The smell of disinfectant clogged my nose.I was coming up to Sebastian's room when I heard the voice of a woman inside.

I slowly stepped around the corner, because her voice was so familiar to me. I took a glance inside and I saw Sebastian sitting up on a hospital bed with Winnie by his side. I hadn't seen her in ages and come to think of it I hadn't been by her diner since the day the rain had washed me. "Ingrid!" Her voiced pitched as she noticed me hiding around the corner.

I waved in her direction though I couldn't take my eyes off of Sebastian. He looked the same, yet he also looked different. There was a nasal cannula placed underneath his nose and his coffee colored hair was in a tousled mess. If he wasn't in the state he was in any minute now I would've ran my fingers though his unruly hair and urged him to get a haircut. Knowing Sebastian he would have pulled me in an embrace and distracted me with a kiss. His eyes that usually gleam with a beautiful shade of blue, were darker and he wore his feeling of exhaustion on his face. I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes blurring my vision, because despite how he might have looked and felt Sebastian still smiled at me like everything was going to be okay. "Hello beautiful." He said to me.

I begged myself not to cry despite the feeling of sadness and relief intensifying. I didn't want him seeing me turn into a complete mess. Besides, the scrunched up Kleenex surrounding Winnie Sebastian already seen enough waterworks. "How are you?" My voice cracked and I was surprised the words even coherently escaped my lips. I dropped my bag to the floor and walked over to Sebastian.

He scooted over in the bed to make room for me to sit down beside him. He outstretched his arm to prop behind me. My eyes couldn't help but drift to the IV attached to his arm. I eased myself onto the bed remembering to move with caution. "You smell nice." He said loud enough where only I could hear before he kissed my shoulder gently.

"I'm going to go grab something to drink. Ingrid dear can I get you anything?" Winnie politely asked, probably thinking of a clever escape route so that she could leave the two of us alone. "I'm good thank you." I said to Winnie, faintly smiling over in her direction. She looked as worrisome as I felt. Sebastian and I both watched her until she left out of the room and was out of listening range. Though he remained silent next to me even after she left.

"You still haven't answered my question." I turned and faced him.

"What was it again my brain is a little foggy?" He winked.

"Not funny Sebastian."

A million questions swirled in my head as my gazed panned around Sebastian's hospital room. Names and dates were scribbled on a dry erase board, penmanship I couldn't make out. I noticed Winnie's purse was sitting on the wooden counter under the board. How did she even know Sebastian was in the hospital? Then after just a few short moments I realized that she was probably the one listed as Sebastian's emergency contact. My heart sank a little, because I was a disappointed that he hadn't chosen me.

"What's happening Sebastian?" My words hung in the air like a humid room searching for a breeze.Sebastian's stare was heavy and he looked at me as though he was begging me to read his mind to spare him from admitting the ugly truth.

I inched away from him to face him, but he grabbed ahold of the fabric of my shirt to pull me back close."There was never an easy way to tell you Ingrid." Sebastian swallowed.

"Tell me what?" I asked. I felt like I was sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to be pushed off from what he was about to tell me.

The monitor beside him beeped before he spoke. "Long before I knew you I had been going through some stuff. When you walked into the diner that night I had just received some news that I wasn't too excited about to say the least." Sebastian inhaled and held onto it before letting it go. His eyes searched mine and I could tell he was searching for the right words to say and I couldn't help but get sucked back into them. "I never picked up a cigarette, I always maintained a healthy diet and exercise, I always did the right thing." His words came out harsh and his tone hardened. Sebastian's gaze grew distant like he was hurt and still stuck in utter disbelief.

I couldn't begin to prepare myself for what he was about to tell me next. He paced himself like wish he didn't even have to tell me himself. A part of me expected what he was going to say, and the other part wish he didn't have to say anything at all. I didn't like where this was going and despite how I felt I listened to him anyway as he continued on.

"For a while I believed this was something that I could beat. After I got my diagnosis I made sure I got the treatment that I needed. Eventually all the drugs, immunotherapy radiation treatment , cardiopulmonary test, I could list all the ways my screen test for my lungs showed no improvement whatsoever. If anything they looked like they where getting worse."

I opened my mouth to speak, but my words got stuck. My tongue went completely dry, and my chest started to ache. I felt a sensation in the pit of my stomach like a thousand knots getting tied. My breathing was hitched and it felt like I was going to be sick. Now felt like the perfect time to unleash my raging tears, but none would dare to fall. I heard Sebastian call out my name though I couldn't speak. Chills ran through my body, because the air around me suddenly felt damp and cold. A lot like how I felt the day of my mother's funeral when the rain soaked my body leaving no area dry. The silence between us was so loud I wanted to scream.

"You're sick and I am just now finding out?" My voice quivered as I licked away the salty tear that had fallen on my lip. I waited for him to answer but he was despondent. "Why would you keep something like this from me Sebastian?" I asked.

"I didn't want your finding out, because you had recently already lost enough Ingrid." Sebastian's brows knitted together and the muscle in his jaw noticeably tensed.

I frowned. "Was I suppose to see you one day then just wonder what happened to you the next? You decided that for yourself not for me!" I tell him. A second passed then another. I asked myself how any of this could be real? I would be lying to us both if I didn't admit that I was hurt by him.

"I was trying to protect you." He said with his eyes closed.

"Bullshit!" I blurted out.

Sebastian replied then exhaled slowly. "I didn't want you to feel obligated or to pity me. I wanted you to love the version of me that can exist outside of these hospital walls."

I tensed as emotions clogged the back of my throat. It felt like I was having a nightmare with my eyes wide open. I wanted to run into my mother's arms one last time with my dad's soothing voice next to me telling me that everything was going to be okay. The bittersweetness of it all soured in stomach, because I knew in this lifetime that would never happen again. Essentially Sebastian had already cut me out. He felt like he was protecting me from the inevitable and I felt betrayed. Sebastian had kept a part of himself a secret from me and I considered that an unforgivable lie that he told effortlessly over and over.

"I would have loved both versions with more love than thought possible." I said, voice trembling. I stood from where I was sitting and I walked over to where my purse was sitting on the floor.

"Please don't go Ingrid." His voiced rasped, and was deeper than usual. Hearing the despair in his voice almost made it impossible for me to move. Leaving him was a colossal of bad decisions. I couldn't even turn around to look at him. The anger that I felt at first masked my true pain. I was guilty of walking away for my own selfish reasons. I wanted to say goodbye before I would be forced to and that is one of the hardest task to do.

On my way out of the door I nearly bumped into Winnie. When I looked up at her I could barely see her face clearly. My eyes were flooded with tears and Winnie outstretched her arms for me to collide in. I didn't know her very well and it seemed liked our encounters would always happen on terrible days.

"I know this is hard." She said as she squeezed me in an embrace. "I've known Sebastian for quite sometime and he puts on a brave front for you. My instincts were telling me that night I saw you two talking that you didn't meet just by chance though."

I began to pull away and I rubbed my face harder than I should have. I had just left him sitting alone and I felt horrible, yet somehow I couldn't convince myself to stay. "I should get going." I sniffed.

The confused look on her face said it all."You're leaving?" She asked.

"I can't stay." I murmured. "It's all just happening so fast."

"I understand more than you know." Her mouth curled into a faint sympathetic smile. I was so sure she would have had more to say to me than that. That I was heartless and cruel or didn’t deserve Sebastian. Instead she walked with onto the elevator and waited outside with me till a cab arrived. I was thankful for her company despite neither one of us not knowing the right words to say. She sat next to me while I tried to make myself stop crying only to keep crying. When it was time for me to leave she asked if she could give me a hug goodbye and I obliged.

"Go home an get some rest." She said as the cab pulled up. I pulled the handle on the door and I stopped myself before I fully got inside.

"Tell Sebastian." I paused hesitantly unsure of what I wanted my message to be. I chose the only words that I truly felt . "Tell him that I am sorry." I climbed inside and quickly closed the door behind me. I knew I was making a terrible mistake but for some reason I couldn't make myself stop.

I noticed for a while I had kept count of the days since I had last seen Sebastian. The image of his face bore a painful memory in my mind. After awhile the days felt like they flew by and I had started to lose count. I hadn't heard from Sebastian since that day and I was crazy think that he would even call. I didn't even know where my head was at. I busied myself with work and still that didn't distract me from my terrible mistake I had made. The one person I wanted to talk to was the one person I was running from.

I decided I couldn't take being alone with my thoughts anymore and so I told my boss Torrence that I wasn't feeling well. I knew he would immediately want me to isolate myself from everyone in the gallery, because he was afraid he would catch what I was getting. I knew for a fact what I was feeling wasn't contagious at all. I just needed to get to the remedy so that I could numb the pain. I got in my jeep and for the first half of my drive I didn't even know where I was headed. I drove on the expressway until I took an exit that lead me me the direction of the storage facility where I kept all of my parents artwork.

I took nearly all of them back home with me and I found myself sitting amongst them. The faces of the old paintings stared back at me with wonder. Wondering where I had been for so long. Looking back at them I wondered the same. It was comforting having a piece of my parents surrounding me. You could really see their shared love for art and one another in every color and every stroke. When I was younger I always admired their passion.

I have always looked up to them. At times it felt like it was the three of us against the world, and now I found myself facing it all alone. I went into my garage and scavenged through containers that I haven't been bothered to touch in months. I pulled out all of my paint brushes, my wooden easel, and my smock that was nearly tie dyed with paint splotches. I lastly went for my unopened paints and for the first time in a very long time I began to paint.My brush led the way guiding my hand all the while freeing myself from my own mind. I could almost hear Sebastian's voice behind me telling me that he knew I could do this all along.

It was almost like a metamorphosis happened. I began to do things that I once neglected. I began going out with friends from work. I took the big step and started visiting my parents at the cemetery. At last I thought I was done running away from things that scared me the most. It hadn't occurred to me that Sebastian was still one of those things.

I can't even begin to explain why but occasionally I found myself visiting Winnie's dinner. I went so often I started to have a regular. My intentions were to just go there and sketch secretly hoping that she would at least utter the sound of his name, she never did. Winnie treated me like an ordinary customer till one day she didn't. I decided if I was going to move on I had to let the diner go too. So I went in one last time hoping she would pass along something to Sebastian.

Hard as I tried I couldn't pretend he was only a figment of my imagination. I dialed his number every day so many times, but in the end I never called. He was all I could think about. I even began to see glimpses of him in everything I painted. I missed not having him apart of my day. I could have easily forgiven him for holding back the truth. Maybe he was right all along. I distanced myself from Sebastian because the truth is I can't handle how permanent a goodbye is. They don’t get easier as time goes on for me it feels like it worsens.

"Hi Winnie." I say nervously, as I sit down in the exact same spot that I did the night I met her.

"Hello dear will you be getting your usual?" She asked me as she wiped over plastic menus.

"No I won't be getting anything today." I paced myself. "I actually brought something that I had been working on for a while."

Her entire face lit up and she moved closer to stand in front of me. "How wonderful! This place could sure use a touch of your beauty." She exclaimed.

I cleared my throat. "Actually it's for Sebastian." Winnie's smile stayed the same, but her eyes were expressionless. "I know this must appear to be so random." I confessed feeling suddenly embarrassed. Winnie remained silent as she looked down at me in disbelief. Yet I couldn't stop myself from talking.

"I brought it here with me." I said lifting up my portfolio.

"When was the last time you spoke to Sebastian?" Her voice was solemn. I was too ashamed to answer. It had been many months since I last heard the sound of his voice. "He talked about you all the time. If you didn't know him you think he made you up. Sebastian spoke of you as if you were his favorite story. " Winnie said, interrupting the awkward silence.

"When was the last time you spoke to Sebastian?" Her voice was solemn. I was too ashamed to answer. It had been many months since I last heard the sound of his voice. "He talked about you all the time. If you didn't know him you think he made you up. Sebastian spoke of you as if you were his favorite story. " Winnie said, interrupting the awkward silence.

Suddenly she turned around an left the counter then disappeared into the back. I didn't understand what was happening. After several long minutes she finally reemerged carrying a thick folder in her arms. "You two are truly something else.” She huffed, she tossed the folder onto the countertop like she was holding a weight.

"What is that?" I asked out of curiosity.

"He asked me to keep an eye on you. When I told him you had been coming in here for days and would sit for hours to just draw it looked like stars lit up in his eyes. " Her words made my heart sink into my stomach.

"I don't know what to say." I swallowed.

"Sebastian busied himself with negotiations on a property that caught his eye. He asked for my assistance because I have been running my own business for over twenty years now. " Winnie slid over the mysterious black folder over to me.

"He asked me to hand this over to you when the time was right." She said. I just sat there and looked at the blank cover. "Open it!" She urged.

Startled, I did what she asked. There were so many legal term ones that I saw regularly used at the gallery I worked in. I read through page after page and I saw that it was deed to a building here in Seattle. My head shot up a little too quickly. I looked at her wide eyed and completely tongue tied. Clearly she was reading my mind. "Sebastian really wanted you to have this. "

"I have to go see him this is insane! I can't accept this, especially not like this." I said, suddenly feeling short of breath.

"Ingrid Dear."

"I have to go talk to him. I need to tell him how sorry I am. There's so much time that has been lost and so much I need to tell him."

"Ingrid!" She yelled. I stopped talking and I'm pretty sure others noticed. "Sebastian wanted to make sure that you would open your own art gallery just like your parents would've wanted, what he wanted. This was his last request dear.” I noticed that Winnie spoke about him in past tense. It took me a while to digest what she was trying to say until finally I just knew.

{Part 3 out of 3}🌻

[suitofarmxr]

“I’m just a little cold, I’m okay, really. Let me sit with a blanket or something.”

@weightofmyshield​ | exhaustion starters

                           “Steve...” Tony’s watching him pace around his bed side hurriedly, as the Captain has been doing for the past few days since they got Tony home from space. When they landed the ship, it was clear that Tony was unwell. He was badly injured with an infected wound, he could barely lift his own head and he was COMPLETELY dehydrated and malnourished on top of severe oxygen deprivation. There was always the possibility that Tony still would have died right here, on Earth.

And despite the fact that he’s only really regained his own consciousness Tony knows how much Steve’s been looking after him. Steve’s been changing him into new pyjamas while his muscles are still in severe dystrophy - the doctor’s say it will be at LEAST another week until Tony’s ready to try sitting up unassisted, let alone walk by himself. Steve has lifted water to his lips when his lips and mouth are dry because he’s getting an excessive amount of nutrients through an IV. Yesterday, Steve even carried Tony to the bath so he could feel a little cleaner.

It’s safe to say that Steve has done far more than his fair share of looking after his injured team mate. And while Tony knows Steve’s FAR more durable than anyone else, when they four days of being on Earth, Tony still isn’t sure he’s noticed Steve sleep.

“Hey, Steve...” He says again to get his attention. “You’re exhausted.” Tony tells him, pulling away his oxygen mask for a minute. His voice is still weak, it croaks dryly and it’s obvious he’s still struggling to get oxygen into his lungs. His lung capacity was ALREADY reduced from the arc reactor to 65% but his time in space lowered it even further. “You’re not cold.” Tony retorts, his usual personality shining through the haze of his mind and the pain in his body.

“You don’t have to stay awake every moment... you don’t even HAVE to be here.” Tony wheezes, glancing up at him through tired eyes himself. “Rest here?” He asks, gesturing with his eyes that he means on his bed with him. “I don’t mind.”

[gdwessel]

Tiger Hattori Retirement Show - 2/19/2020; Statement from NJPW on COVID-2019 and Forthcoming Events

Strong Style Story Podcast Episode 63 on Pro Wrestling Only

It’s Retirement Week in New Japan Pro Wrestling, and we start off with the farewell show for the long-serving referee and back-office stalwart, Masao “Tiger” Hattori. Once a wrestler and trainer (Hulk Hogan trained under him), he became a referee when his in-ring career ended, and joined NJPW in 1982 as such. He’s done... a lot. And now, it’s come to an end.

Tiger Hattori Retirement Show - 2/19/2020, Tokyo Korakuen Hall (NJPWWorld)

Togi Makabe, Tomoaki Honma & Toa Henare d. Yota Tsuji, Yuya Uemura & Gabriel Kidd (Henare > Kidd, Toa Bottom, 9:27)

SHO, YOH & Will Ospreay [CHAOS] d. Ryusuke Taguchi, Rocky Romero [CHAOS] & Tiger Mask IV (Ospreay > Tiger, Stormbreaker, 9:22)

Juice Robinson, David Finlay Jr. & YOSHI-HASHI [CHAOS] d. EVIL, Hiromu Takahashi & BUSHI [Los Ingobernables] (Robinson > BUSHI, Pulp Friction, 8:54)

Manabu Nakanishi Final In Korakuen Hall I: Manabu Nakanishi, Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Satoshi Kojima & Yuji Nagata d. Minoru Suzuki, Taichi, El Desperado & Yoshinobu Kanemaru [SZKG] (Kojima > Kanemaru, lariat, 9:50)

Tiger Hattori Retirement Match I: Hiroshi Tanahashi, Kota Ibushi, Toru Yano [CHAOS] & Colt Cabana [FREE] d. Tama Tonga, Tanga Loa, Jay White & Bad Luck Fale [Bullet Club] (Yano > Fale, Backslide, 12:58)

Tiger Hattori Retirement Match II: Tetsuya Naito, SANADA & Shingo Takagi [Los Ingobernables] d. Kazuchika Okada, Tomohiro Ishii & Hirooki Goto [CHAOS] (SANADA > Goto, O’Connor Bridge, 15:57)

Tiger Hattori Retirement Ceremony

Tiger Hattori thanked the fans as he called time on his career. Visitors to the event included Keiji Muto, Riki Choshu, Hiroshi Hase and The Great Kabuki. There were also video messages from Antonio Inoki (another one!), and Genichiro Tenryu. During the matches, Hattori got to throw out Gedo & Jado... one last time. He will be missed in the ring.

In other goings on, Nakanishi had his first of four final matches, leading into Saturday’s retirement ceremony. Roppongi 3K and the Mega Coaches got into it post-match as well, leading into tomorrow’s title match.

On that note, what with the current crisis of COVID-2019 going on in Asia, and the world, NJPW has given a statement on the status of current shows in the wake of the coronavirus:

The New Coronavirus (COVID-2019) has been a persistent worldwide news topic for some weeks, and understandably has many concerned. New Japan Pro-Wrestling holds the health, safety and comfort of fans, wrestlers and staff at live events as a top priority, and as such, after careful consideration, we have arrived at a policy for live events in the immediate future.

All currently scheduled live events will proceed as planned. In light of this decision, we invite attendees to take the following precautions at events:

–Be mindful of your physical condition before an event. If you have a fever, cough or cold symptoms or feel otherwise unwell, please stay home.

–Additional disinfectant alcohol sprays will be available for attendees to use at every venue. We invite every attendee to disinfect their hands on entering each venue.

–NJPW encourages attendees to wear surgical masks at live events where at all possible. Staff members may also be wearing masks. We also encourage fans to thoroughly wash their hands and gargle.

–Please leave the venue if you become unwell during an event. Be aware that staff may advise attendees to leave if they seem unwell.

–Meet and greets/autograph signings at events will be canceled until further notice. We appreciate your understanding.  

–Refunds will be made available for tickets purchased to March events. While events will all proceed as planned, we appreciate fans’ concern, and would like to ask ticket holders not to attend if they feel at all unwell.

With the best interest of public safety at heart, additions, including attendee health checks, may be made to the above at a later date. Keep checking njpw1972.com for more details.

We appreciate your continued support of New Japan Pro-Wrestling.  

This is the opposite tack that Bushiroad’s other wrestling promotion, STARDOM, has taken, as they have cancelled a slew of events in the wake of COVID-2019. Here’s hoping everyone affected by the coronavirus, and beyond, will be alright.

Tomorrow is the first proper New Japan Road show, and it will be on NJPWWorld. There are two title matches, as well as the second Nakanishi Final match.

New Japan Road - 2/20/2020, Tokyo Korakuen Hall (NJPWWorld)

Yota Tsuji v. Gabriel Kidd

Hirooki Goto [CHAOS], YOSHI-HASHI [CHAOS], Will Ospreay [CHAOS] & Yuya Uemura v. Minoru Suzuki, Taichi, El Desperado & Yoshinobu Kanemaru [SZKG]

Kazuchika Okada [CHAOS], Toru Yano [CHAOS] & Colt Cabana [FREE] v. Togi Makabe, Tomoaki Honma & Toa Henare

Manabu Nakanishi Final In Korakuen Hall II: Manabu Nakanishi, Hiroyoshi Tenzan, Satoshi Kojima, Yuji Nagata & Tiger Mask IV v. Tetsuya Naito, EVIL, SANADA, Hiromu Takahashi & BUSHI [Los Ingobernables]

Hiroshi Tanahashi, Kota Ibushi, Juice Robinson & David Finlay Jr. v. Tama Tonga, Tanga Loa, Jay White & Bad Luck Fale [Bullet Club]

IWGP Juniorheavyweight Tag Team Championship: SHO & YOH [CHAOS] © v. Ryusuke Taguchi & Rocky Romero [CHAOS]

NEVER Openweight Championship: Shingo Takagi [Los Ingobernables] © v. Tomohiro Ishii [CHAOS]

Strong Style Story Podcast Episode 63 on Pro Wrestling Only

[undyinghappinessblog]

Oh Hi!

Oh hey. Haha fuck I sound like my 6 year old self...”Oh hey diary! How are you? Sorry I havent written in a while..” But....yeah. I haven’t. So I think I have quite a few things to catch myself up on. 

I am not really sure if the reason I have’nt been writing. It think its a combination of being really busy (I moved, my cousin got married, my grandma Betty passed away, Ive been working two jobs pretty consistently, I’m still in acting classes, I’m trying to find a new agent) mixed with the fact that I am seeing a therapist once a week, so I guess a lot of the things that I would find myself writing about on here are being worked out with a professional in the real world. 

The trouble with being so busy, is everything kind of tends to feel like its coming at you at a warped hyper speed, you know? Like I feel like a lot of the time I dont have the luxury or the time to really process anything or be in the present moment because I’m too busy worrying about what needs to be done, or I am working....Its something that I have been trying to work on in therapy. I am also meditating before I go to sleep at night-trying to be present and also boost my self confidence. And when I finally DO have a minute to process things, I find myself being really tired and needing to lie down and close my eyes. Its really hard to find that time for me, and I am learning more and more that that time is something that I really need to find a way to prioritize. Finding time to just be with myself and not be distracted by thoughts of what I ‘should’ be doing or what I need to do in the next couple of days, you know? 

I also find myself getting a little sad and scared that I am too busy worrying and stressing and working myself so hard that I am missing out on moments that are more important...Like genuine time with myself or my friends. Really enjoying time in the moment with little things like the sun, blue skies, leaves blowing in the wind, reading a book, painting, writing, etc. 

Anyway..I guess that was just a really long winded way of me saying ‘I have been really busy’. 

So...I’ll just give a quick recap of the past couple of months. 

Okay, so I thiiiiiink I wrote about working on ‘Sacred Lies’ on my last post? But just in case, I will give a quick little refresher. So I got cast as an SOC principle character on a TV show about a cult...and my roommate Daniel actually got cast too, so it was really nice to have a carpool buddy and someone that I could talk to on set. But it turned out that I was actually okay on my own too. The cast was really nice and I ended up making some pretty cool friends with a couple of them. 

Its been prettttyyyy much dead for me since then though. So in terms of acting, I have been unemployed since April. And I knooowwww that I should feel liucky for the opportunity-AND I DO!!!. Its just, I am starting to feel a little antsy...and wanting to get back on something...anything!! I’ve said it many times before, but its really hard for a woman to navigate through this industry. And I’m not even a fuckin minority- I know I have white privelage, and I feel shitty saying this, but....Its been really tough for me as a woman in this industry in the past few months, man. 

Like. I am just going to rant here for a sec. Since Sacred Lies, Daniel has booked 3 more shows and has gone down to LA twice to see casting directors and shit. And I have had....maaayybe 3 auditions? I wanna say 2 of them were one liners. What reaaallllyyyy bothers me is that I can guarantee that these booking have NOTHING to do with his talent, or his resume (think I have spoken about his weird act-y voice and his horrible, narcissistic attitude). It all has to do with the fact that he is a tall, young looking white guy. THATS IT. 

The thing I dont understand about hollywood is this. They FINALLY make these HUGE blockbuster films starring women and people of colour like ‘Wonder Woman’ and ‘Black Panther’ and ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and they all make MAAAADDD bank. They are so well received that they break box office records. Which absolutely makes sense because there are people who are FINALLY feeling represented and like they ACTUALLY see themselves in the characters on screen. But they still make so many films that have a 1. pro-dominantly white cast and 2. Most of the main characters are played by WHITE MEN. Like...How many Hollywood Rom-Coms have cast someone who identifies as First Nations as a lead? Someone who identifies as Middle Eastern? Muslim? Asian? Lesbian? Trans? Non-Binary? Truthfully, there are maaannny things about the injustices in this industry that I am not even aware of, and I could be overstepping my boundaries by saying all of this, but man. If I am feeling unrepresented and angry as a white woman, I cannot even IMAGINE how angry many of the minorities feel. Fuck it makes me so angry man.  Honestly, I could talk about this for hours until my head blows up or I throw my fucking computer across the room, so I am just going to stop there by saying this. More people of colour need to be cast (especially First Nations actors!!), more women need to be given larger roles and more women need to write, direct, produce, AD, edit, sound design-every single role in film needs more women. Period. 

Okay moving on. My cousin Alex got married this summer! Fuck that was emotional. The whole experience was just so lovely and happy and so much fun. She was married on the lake that we grew up spending our summers on. There was a lot of smoke from forest fires, but it was still so beautiful. Our family was there and it was amazing. I was Maid of Honour (My sister was supposed to be there as Co-maid of honour with me, but she was at school already, down in the states, so she couldn't be there.) and I was also the MC. I was really stressed about it at first, but once I had a few drinks in me, I felt better and had alot of fun (I think the guests had fun too...unless they were all just pretending to laugh at all of my jokes...). I gotta say though, I am not a huge fan of her husband. He’s not friendly, very needy and relies on her too much and their relationship reminded me a lot of what my parent’s looked like when I was growing up. Plus his family is fuckin trash (His bother and his brother’s girlfriend ended up getting in a huuggeee fight the night before the wedding and the cops were called, so Alex’s husband ended up calling her and asking her to come get her...) Anyway. Their relationship isn't any of my business...and as hard as it is to see someone I love be married to someone I dont particularly like or respect, I gotta let it be and hope for the best for her. 

My grandma Betty also recently passed. Which was very sad. I’ve experienced death and loss before, but it was when I was younger. This was the first time that I experienced death as an adult. When I think about how my sister and I got through what we did when we were kids, I just...I dont know how in the hell we did it. Becuase my grandma had dementia, and was very unwell and not herself, when I got the call, I was almost relieved. Obviously I was very sad. But I also felt strangely grateful for the time that I had with her and I also felt very lucky to have someone like her watching out over me. Like I FINALLY had someone in my corner. I still cant believe that she's gone. Saying that she ‘passed away’ is still so strange to say. 

Anyway...thats pretty much it. Lots of life happened in the past couple of months. Lots of crying, anxiety, laughs, reminiscing, hoping, meditating, painting, more crying, more anxiety...just lots of life man. 

I gotta say though, instead of ending this on a note of desperately hoping for ‘something good to happen’ by masking it with “manifesting”, I think I’m going to end it by saying this instead. 

I am going to take better care of myself. And be kinder to myself. I think that something good will come out of that regardless. Whether it be through acting or just my relationship with myself. For once in my life, I am going to take care of myself. Everything else comes secondary (at least for now) and will happen as its supposed to, according to the universe. 

And by saying that, by putting myself first, I think everything I have ever wanted for myself will come when its ready and in a healthier and more welcomed way. 

Okay. Thanks.