#ive been struggling with that kinda stuff because the way most people talk about it is judgemental

[nexed-gemstone]

Dungeon Meshi is doing something so completely different to my brain than any of the media I've liked or even loved before, like it's so all-consuming that I'll just get a pang of an indescribable emotion about it

Like, I think the closest that ever came before was when Doctor Who was the only thing I watched in 6th grade, but that wasn't to this degree

I think it's because Dungeon Meshi puts so much thought into and feels so loving towards it's world and it characters, and because I see so much of myself in all of them and I see the love it has for these characters like me it feeds into this loop of feeling seen and loved and self love?

It's so comforting to me, this world of horrors navigated by friends and the meals they share together

[nordidia]

Regardless of how much attention they got, what are three things you've written or drawn that you're most proud of?

oh i love this question...

so i think what i get most proud of are my long comics,, despite the drawings being simple, i think i put alot more effort into just finishing them than i do like. coloured pieces etc... doing full pieces is more leisure than struggling to finish a long ass comic yknow. especially if its mental health related, i put alot of effort into them

so i think the one im most proud of is the sunset duo comic about PTSD flashbacks the way i experience them.,. i never really saw people talk about how they are for me so i decided to do it myself

alot of people find comfort in it because they also have been longing for someone to talk about those kinds of flashbacks, where its not really pictures or specific memories, but more the feelings you felt during it. alot of people who have repressed memories have flashbacks this way it was very... cathargic. its the first thing that pops into my head when people ask about my emotion-comics. i think its my favorite

another one i really like is this one.

its my first deep comic like that, and it kinda kicked off something in me, knowing what i wanted to create. its kinda old now, and my art has evolved somewhat, ive been thinking of re-doing it sometime

alot of my comics that are like this are based on my own struggles, and i make them to deal with my own, hoping that posting them will make others feel less alone. i also base leo on my irl bff like 98% of the time, and this was one of them.

i think that it marks kind of "the first" of stuff that i've gotten feedback on that it has helped others, and looking back on it gives me alot of motivation to continue doing art

hmm third one i really love is this one, with april

i had this huge idea of going into detail about things, my own take on things. and i held that idea until i started drawing, and as i got to the end i realised: "wait.. i dont want to think about this. i dont want to have a take on someone's pointless suffering. i dont want him to have to remember it either. why do all comics have to elaborate on the struggling and then everything being okay? thats not how it works" and ended up completely re-writing it. i think it made it alot more in character too

at the time, i was in therapy. and we would often talk about what i do in my daily life and i would talk about the comics i make. and this was one she really liked hearing about, and she had a lot of praise for the way i ended it when i told her about my trail of thought

i hope this is comprehensible jdajkgfdsjk !!

i thinik. i like my art that includes leo .. is some of my favorite... i like writing him. he's very kind. he loves and respects raph alot, and i think he understands raph on a deeper level in some way. i cant explain it but. yueah!!! if i could have a fourth favorite it would be this one

[mousesquared]

Hi! How did you realize you were aplspec? I'm questioning myself and am having such a hard time figuring it out lol...

(disclaimer that all of this is my personal experience and i dont speak for all aplspec people) oh also im gonna be saying i/me but this realization was a mix of mouses and mine (toby)

prepare for a long one cause i like to talk a lot i guess

i think it kinda hit me when i really thought about platonic attraction. im aroace and so dont experience romantic or sexual attraction and so thinking of a platonic version of that was a bit confusing. there were only a couple people i could remember feeling a pull towards to either be their friend or be closer as friends. with other friends it just kind of happened? they were someone i talked to about similar interests or in groups with mutual friends and a friendship just happened because of that. i didnt have a goal or pull to specifcally to try and get closer to them, it just happened because of where we hung around.

i know not all alloplatonic friendships are built on an urge to be friends or closer friends, but i do think my experience of it is in an aplatonic(spec) way. there is also the part where i dont specifcally have an urge to need close friends. i of course enjoy it when i do. but when i realized i was aplspec i only had like 2 past friends that i still occasionally texted but we were super distant. i didnt really miss an emotional bond with someone, i just wanted to talk to people. i was lonely in the sense that all my thoughts were having to be kept inside by head with no way out. and when i seeked out a place to talk about them, thats where friendships formed. i didnt join that community in order to get close friends, i just wanted discussion.

most of the time when it comes to friends, i am seeking the activity, the action, the nonloneliness. it is nice to have people fufilling that with me that i like! but with friends i have a really hard time gauging steps in relationships. i have been known to either talk to someone for a very short time and all of a sudden regard us as very close and i have been known to talk to someone and be friends with them for years, and then not consider them as close as they consider me. the latter isnt usually about me not liking them as much as others, i just dont realize how they view our friendship and have trouble gauging that kind of stuff for myself. i think that comes from just having trouble gauging how people see me in general. personally i think thats an autism thing but it affects my aplatonicism so its also an aplatonic thing!

i also think that i view friendship as like a complete separate step than just talking to someone a lot. that may seem like a contradictory thing to what ive said before. but the fact that i seek talking to people and interacting with others, thats why i was ok with not really having friends for a stretch of time. struggling with gauging friendship makes me see friendship as something that has to be kind of barrier you eventually cross instead of it just building up. i often dont realize when we cross that barrier and of course the other person doesnt feel the need to express it because we are already friends in their eyes. i am often hit with the "oh i guess we are friends now" thought. even with the few people i have felt platonic attraction to.

so TLDR: i realized platonic attraction is actually a thing, and most of the time i dont have an actual pull to be friends/closer with people. i dont usually seek the companionship of friends, usually just the sociable & activity doing aspect. i care about my friends but i dont view my care for them as a platonic attraction. i also have trouble gauging relationship levels with people and often dont realize we are friends until they say something or i realize im spending a lot of my time with them. (reminder that im aplspec, not 100% aplatonic too!)

[bingobongobonko]

Hi Bingo! I just wanted to say that I've been lurking and looking at your art for your lancer campaign for a while now and I think it's so cool! You've kinda inspired me to check out the system for myself too! I hope it's not too much trouble/making you retread anything you've talked about before, but I'd be really interested to hear your thoughts on the system and how it's worked out for your campaign! I really love mecha stuff, but I think the genre can be pretty rife with militarism that I'm not super into. I get the sense though that you've been able to find a good way to slot these really cool characters into the setting and focus on their interactions while also getting the fun of that sweet sweet mech combat. My inquiry is very low stakes haha, so nw if you don't have time to gather all your thoughts (I know that if I was tasked to talk about my own campaigns my head would burst into flames just trying to sift through what I'd want to say :P) Anyway, just a little friendly wave to you to say your art is very inspirational, and keep up the great work!

OH WOW this is . whuhh. WOW! sorry im like. wtff. i mean i ramble about my characters a lot but i didn't think anyone else actually gave a fuck which is completely ok, i just WHUHH..!!! holy shit. excitement aside, i get where you're coming from. honestly i was never into the mecha genre, but lancer rpg really made me realize how cool it is! like im not a really technical guy, and i feel like lancer is VERY strategy-heavy in combat; unless you know what you're doing and what everything does, you can easily get overwhelmed with all the features and all the things to consider in the math. for me its a lot because i struggle with spatial understanding and any sort of mathematics. that's my only real gripe on the system, but that might also just be every other system as well. it's more of a personal issue than that of the system, my friends all picked it up super quick. as for the genre, yeah, i find militaristic shit a drag and mecha has the same feel to me. its got a layer of professionalism and seriousness i don't enjoy, nor wish to play along with, so i get what you mean yeah. thankfully my friend who dms the campaign is just. Holy fuck; she just has a huuuge extra care for character stories and weaving them into the narrative she explores. so really, its her i've to thank for making mecha stuff FUN for me. lancer can certainly run hand-in-hand with militaristic-focused rp, i was in a oneshot with that sole focus and while it was interesting, without that interesting narrative stuff you kind of lose steam, but ive grown so fond of dog days cuz of how my friend lets our characters develop AND helps them do that. that and the way she sets up the story, just. FUUUUCK. the military is an afterthought in what is a fight against time and para-causality sinking its teeth into what little sanity we have. we fight against something that is a victim and a perpetrator. we're the worst people to be tasked to be saving an entire planet too, but here we are. as cheesy as it is, it's all about who you play with. thats the feel i get about most systems. honestly why im so ehhh about playing with strangers, when i'd rather play with people i like. all systems strike me as more of a tool; its the way you use em yk? the experience you get from them are more reflective of who you're telling a story with (or fighting alongside, there's no right way to play. i just really like narrative storytelling). so really, ive to thank my friends, especially @spaginithethird who introduced me to lancer in the first place as a dm!!!!!!!!!! TO A LOT OF SYSTEMS ACTUALLY shes rlly knowledgeable abt this stuff and very very very sweet too o7 so yeah really, its a really fun system BUT to me, i wouldnt be playing lancer if i didn't have a narrative to go by and follow with people i like. i am always sayin this but its my favorite thing when it comes to ttrpgs

[booblywooblies]

im gonna post this here bc i dont want anyone to get the wrong idea on main

ive been thinking for a long time about why detransitioners are usually afab, and i think im developing a couple theories. the first one is i think its more difficult to be classified as a man, genuinely, than a woman. i know that seems immediately incorrect bc a big aspect of transmisogyny is denying transfems their womanhood but i think even if transphobes are calling transfems men they dont really mean it. theres been some talk about which trans people have "male privilege" and some people argue transfems do and the most common response to that is that even if transfems are not out they are not regarded as true men, theres something about them that people can pick up on as inherently queer that others them from manhood (sometimes, all of this is sometimes nothing is universal)

i watched a video a while ago about the "incel to trans pipeline" which was kind of about the type of incel that isnt so much concerned with the lack of sex so much as being a failure as a man and how theres a group on like 4chan or something that seek transition not because theyre trans but to escape the pressures of masculinity and i thought that was really interesting

i think that in some ways, despite all the bullshit women go through with being belittled and objectified and disrespected, there is maybe some comfort in being the "weaker" gender, and the more "desireable" gender.

something ive been dealing with that, i mean it hasnt really been a struggle bc i enjoy men even when they are fat and greasy and hairy so im down with being that. theres something thats very weird about losing like, a certain pool of attention i guess. ive been hit with the realization that i will never be attractive to straight men again, and like thats a good thing because i wouldnt want them to see me as a woman im also kinda sad about it? like it feels like im losing a kind of power, even if its not a real power that has any actual use to me

and i probably dont even have to mention how intimidating it is to present myself to the world as a real man, especially when im 5 foot nothing and have H cups. like one thing when it comes to trans men that EVERYONE says about them is they are either basically only men in name, hanging on to their girly habits and interests in a way thats cringy and annoying, or they, in an effort to distance themselves from the first one just adopt toxic masculinity and beef up their own image of themselves by being more misogynistic

and obviously the first end is more on the people putting them down than the guys who are like that themselves, but thats what im really afraid of, ive already experienced being put down for my interests as a girl, the idea of being denied my real gender for any of that stuff is terrifying. and like, its kind of inherently misogynist to want to escape fully from femininity isnt it? and i do value anti-misogyny more than i do masculinity, thats definitely true in my heart. but it sort of feels at odds with each other, its hard to want to be a man, to seek approval as a man, to care about women being taken as seriously as you want to be taken, and to not put anyone down in your path to get there.

like if i wasnt so committed to it, if i believed this was ACTUALLY more in conflict than i really do, i could see myself as having a responsibility to not transition. im sure a lot of people have a different reason for doing that but i think it makes sense that so many afabs detransition because masculinity can break people.

and like BIG BIG BIG disclaimer, im not thinking about detransitioning, i dont think masculinity is inherently toxic, im gay and i have a cis husband, i think men are cool, i think women are cool and i like them a lot i respect them. im just inspecting this because i was not sure why it happens and i figured itd be in my best interest to figure it out, i think i have, i think its difficult and complicated but doesnt apply to me.

im transitioning bc it feels good and i have a man fetish 👍 and no one can stop me motherfucker

[cringelordofchaos]

(copied from my own comment on the "TMF ADHD Jake Sterling" video because I'm way too lazy to write it all down again. this is in relation to the HC of him having ADHD that I will self project onto :)))

ADHD Jake Sterling thoughts

I LOVE THIS

Ok while him spacing out often could very much be explained by just the situation he was put in, it could also be adhd. But he zones out a _lot_ and its worth pointing out. Hes barely paying attention to his surroundings lol

Hes also very passionate about stuff to the point of obsessions to the point of people making fun of him for it (like with daisy and music (yes you can hyperfixate on people)), most people with adhd have hyperfixations and such (obviously neurotypical people can too, just pointing it out)

Ive also heard of someohe saying he could have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria). People with adhd oftentimes struggle with RSD. Rsd can make some people be really anxious when it comes to having to deal with rejection or others negative opinions on them to the point of extreme insecurity. This can make people with rsd people pleasers as well and feel guilty almost all the time. People with adhd are much more likely to have rsd. Of course jake could be neutotypicsl snd his rsd might be very well be explained by his backstory, but like ive said before, i just wanted to point it out. But him havig rsd kinda makes sense considering how hes so afraid of asking daisy out and stuff, and also how he was so guilty of what hes done (of course these things could very well be explained by other factors)

He also sometimes sort of.. misses social cues?? Or like,, be generally oblivious. For example, when he talked about losing milo in the soup isle, he didnt seem to realize it wasnt funny to others at first. Also because in episode 11 when hailey went ON to talk about how shes been thinking of Jakes apology and everything, and making it VERY clear that she understands jake and how she felt sbout his apology, he didnt tske the hint and instead hsd to ask for direct clarification to see if Hailey forgave him. This could be a mix of being spcially oblivious+ rsd. A,so i forgot to say: neurodivergent people, especially neurodiverse, often miss social cues snd have harder time socializing. So felt like it was worth pointing it out at least. Also idk if this is relevant st sll but hes a horrible liar lol

Also this is not related to him having adhd but just him being neurodivergent. And its about him having hallucinations. This might be very far fetched but he mightve hallucinated those three guys in episode eleven to be drew henry and liam for a brief second when they werent?? Or im looking top much into it and he simply thought it was them because he didnt see them properly and they had the same hair colours. Idk

Another thing is emotional dysregulation/being more prone to emotional outbursts. I think Milly shows this well but jake might have it as well?? He did get really angry suddenky at episode nine, and he does seem to get really excited when it comes to music or daisy

Hes a bit impulsive, suggested by all the nonsense he spouted out in episode nine, because he didnt think straight, and he didnt think it through. This could also be a combination of emotional dysregulation as well. And just overall pressure he received

He also stims sometimes s bit though rarely (like in episode nine, episode eight and probably more)(though granted neurotypicals stim too)

Also his experiences of being bullied and being so lonely, and having to learn to mask yourself and pretend to be someone youre not in order to fit in.. i can definitely relate to that (and many ND people in general can as well).

Also i think TMF might be a nd allegory, seeing as the message of the show is practically to just BE YOURSELF and accept yourself and stuff which granted is a universal experience but its definitely more prevalent in nd and queer stories

(Sorry for all the grammatical errors! I wasnt too careful while typing this, i have butter fingers and autocorrect is currently not doing me much favours.)

Edit: hes also hyperreactice, which might be a part of hyperactivity

[torchickentacos]

Fall Out Boy concert experience!

WOO ok wanted to type this out so, one, I don't forget it all bc concert amnesia hits me hard, but two, in case anyone just wants to hear about it!!! @alonetogethermp3 I know you'll wanna hear about it! LONG POST. I warned you all.

SO! This is a venue specific thing, but parking? BAD. They have the parking dudes whose job it is to point and yell. They were not pointing OR yelling and just kinda stood there. It was way worse getting out than in but I also got there early for openers. Also venue specific, but it wasn't that accessible. I knew that going into this, though- I had been there to see P!ATD before they sucked and also I graduated there, so I was aware of this issue. Luckily it isn't that bad with a cane, and I could struggle through the stairs and lines, but god forbid I had used my walker.

I wasn't too impressed by any of the merch designs but that's also entirely personal taste, and the good stuff might have just been sold out.

But we got in alright and found a shady space for lawn seats near the back in case I had a medical issue (chronic illness in direct sun, not something you wanna be stuck in the pit for). I will say- edibles? Great from what I've heard. Bring those. Don't be that person vaping and smoking whatever the fuck at a concert. Breathing is a thing people around you tend to enjoy. Don't be that guy.

The openers were CARR (heard about 2 songs, fun and fine, kind of giving Pom Pom Squad or Gracie Abrams gone rock and slight shoegaze and recording in someone's basement /positive), Royal & the Serpent (very good, almost definitely has Bikini Kill or Hole as their inspiration, played a competent nirvana cover that I wasn't at all mad at), and Bring Me The Horizon (way better than I was expecting except for the part where he asked if we were ready to be fucked in the ass with my mom sitting next to me). He also kept telling us to get up and jump. (My friend and I started a drinking game where I took a shot of liquid iv hydration multiplier every time an opener told me to jump, something I was entirely unable to do bc POTS lmfao). They did have actual drinks everywhere- it was more alcohol than anything else, actually. My friend did get something alcoholic but apparently it kinda sucked and I wasn't missing out. I will say, this WAS somewhere that you'd have to watch your drink, though. I didn't get catcalled or anything (this time) but I did feel the need to be on alert and I'd advise others to do the same at any concert, honestly, but especially one as packed as this one was.

I spent a lot of the opener time laying down in the grass because of the heat, but it did cool down nicely and most non-chronically ill people seemed to be fine with the heat. Also, I think it was Pete Wentz around the opening who told the crowd that if they saw anyone struggling with the heat or crowds or anything at all to let security know, and I loved that they seemed to be very conscientious of crowd safety (but it didn't get that wild honestly, pretty chill crowd but not to the point of being a dead crowd. Good in-between).

By the time FOB took the stage, it was sunset- really pretty, no pictures of that though bc phone storage and I was too busy talking to my friend.

The stage was really good- I ADORED that it was seemingly modeled after the album cover of From Under The Cork Tree. Here, have the world's blurriest picture of it below. The circle would show an 8-ball every so often, and it had a spinning globe for Hold Me Like A Grudge ("the world is always spinning and I can't keep up" lyric reference I imagine)! It had a ton of fun details like that that seemed to correlate to the songs. I also noticed a lot of clock motifs and ticking time, which... if I had a nickel each time a major 2023 concert tour had a clock motif (eras tour too, which I am not going to because I don't feel like fist-fighting a shady facebook marketplace reseller for a ticket), 2 nickels, etc. Also kinda funny bc they released a song together recently but I'm getting way off topic.

The sound quality was AMAZING, and while my pictures all suck, I could see a decent amount even when laying down and tired (though I had to peer through the sea of asses and vape/weed smoke). They had a few big screens that seemed pretty well-focused on Patrick and Pete (but also Joe sometimes). They weren't the most talkative but when they did, it felt so genuine and endearing- a bit awkward, but it really did feel like they wanted us to feel like they were talking to US and not just to a crowd. Patrick and Pete were so nice and just... real-feeling. I couldn't catch a lot of what they said, though- a bit mumbly. Pete was wearing a rose themed mesh shirt and a skirt, I'm pretty sure, which I loved. FOB, MCR, I love whatever the fuck popular former emo bands are doing with gender nonconformity these days. Keep that up.

Now. The songs. Bit of personal lore here, but I went with a friend I've known since like 2012/13, and we had been to this venue together around 2015?? for a show. Because of that, I was SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL when they played Bang the Doldrums. I know that thematically the entire thing doesn't quite fit, nor would I quite want it to, but I found a certain irony and amusement in singing some of the lyrics with my friend next to me.

AND OH MY G O S H. THE ACOUSTIC 'NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER'. I was fucking blessed. My favorite album/EP of theirs is probably My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to my Tongue, which is an acoustic EP, and so they played that song in the version I adored most. Though, I can't in good faith choose a single favorite album/EP.

AND WINONA!!!!!!!!! WE GOT SHE'S MY WINONA. I could NOT have asked for a better setlist. I also love that they played a good amount from Take This To Your Grave (AND ENDED ON SATURDAY!!!). Hot take? Could have done with a bit more MANIA but I get why they didn't, but The Last of the Real Ones was a GOOD CHOICE (another one I had Big Emotions about). The only songs I would have loved that I didn't get were The (Shipped) Gold Standard and GINASFS, but I would have cried my damn makeup off so it's probably for the best that I didn't get to sing 'I wanna scream 'I love you' at the top of my lungs but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me' or 'trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns' or literally any other line of GINASFS. But if I get into that then y'all are gonna learn more about my emotional state than I care for lmfao. My blog is...not-irrelevant enough that I don't want to get too specific in case someone I know finds it, because while I don't know if my friends use tumblr, they're certainly the type (queer and neurodivergent lol, birds of a feather and all).

And THAT'S what makes the concert and FOB as a band special to me, though- it was a good show but it was a personal experience. I cannot separate the show from the emotions I went through for the company I was with that FOB's lyrics evoked. And if we were to crash and burn, then that also means that the memory of this concert will be forever stained by the things I felt now due to their inextricable nature. But that's the risk you take when you enjoy something because of someone's presence and associated emotions, and it's a risk I'll continue to take because there's no use living life held-back and scared of eventual regret. Enjoy the moment and everything you feel then and there.

It wasn't just a show that would be a replicable experience. Their lyrics and performance invoked those emotions in a really special way, and I was just FEELING the entire concert. Maybe I'm over-emotional or too sentimental or can't move on from an embarrassingly long and futile crush BUT I would not trade that for anything. It was an EXPERIENCE, not just good music, though it was that, too. And I think they delivered that in a very FOB-unique way that other bands might not have been able to.

It was just a very open vibe when they took the stage. They sang with earnest and genuine feeling and LOVE, and I think that spreads to the audience. Every show has a specific vibe. Live music feeds off of audience and band alike, and the energy was just vulnerable and wonderful at this concert, and you can tell they wanted to foster that experience.

Ultimately, emotional vulnerability is what FOB is built off of. Like their music or not, from even their first few albums, they had that deeper emotional touch to them. You could hear the spite, the yearning, the apathy or the jealousy in each line recorded. Their lyrics are founded on emotion as opposed to storytelling or even clarity (some songs, I have no idea what specifically they're on about but it makes me feel things anyways). And that rang true tonight as well, on stage and in the audience.

[aanabear2803]

hi i've seen your posts about body weight and I as a fat girl, was wondering if you are open to talk about it or give advice about it

I have been struggling real bad with it lately, I thought I was ok and had been for a few years, turns out I hate my body so much and you seem so confident, you got any advice? would you be open to talk about it in dm's?

feel free to ignore this if it's uncomfortable tho

Hi :3 um... so. I struggle with my own body weight a lot. I wont really talk about the bad thoughts that lurk about.

Ive been overweight since I was a wee lad. It especially hurts when my meds make me constantly hungry. Like I am always fucking hungry. So I just snacked the day away without any thoughts of consequences. I still eat these meds to this day. I am still as hungry as ever.

Id say I wont have very awesome advice? Because what I would normally do when those bad thoughts do happen is... post nudes on my kinky tumblr? Which, you know I dont expect others to do. Im sure there are healthier ways to express yourself than to go on tumblr and do shit like being half naked. However there are tons of gorgous women who dress in lingerie and post on tumblr all the time. You kinda just need to know where to look.

Ive also been trying to loose weight. But its more for a health thing since Im close to being diabetic and Im super duper not down for that myself. Im already tired of the meds Ive eaten I dont want to have to subject myself to stabs of insulin.

Im not on a fad diet of any kind. Im just eating 1200kcal a day watching as my weight slowly goes down~ I calculate all of this stuff too.

There's also the difference in how being fat and being unhealthy are wildly different. There's also that thing on how genetics have a say in the weight a person can be. But that is not my expertize at all! But you can be more than welcomed to go search and read up on those.

Ive been more open to exposing my skin a little at a time? Like wearing a bikini while in the pool when Im exercising. Ive been very recently trying to get corsets to work out too! Altho whether you like it or not there will be stares from people. But I would say start from the clothes, buy stuff you think would make you strut a runway. Dont just buy tshirts and pants and call it a day. Find a top in your size and fucking go for it. (Altho I understand many curvy people will not be able to find it cheap and Im just saying if you are desperate for the cash.... you can try Shein. Which I understand many Americans are banning and all the problems with fast fashion into overproduction but they do have many plus size clothes that most store dont normally have for people like us so you know its entirely up to you! But I was close to tears when I bought something and it just.... fits you know? Just dont go all out and buy their entire stock. I buy 5XL on there and dont worry about the number being so high, its probably based around the chinese style with their insane standards)

But hey look, people are going to judge no matter what ok? They always will. They will always find a way to trash talk. Its hard to ignore them, I get it. But theyre not you. They dont know if youre trying to loose weight or whether the food youre eating is a reward for having done a week of gym. Id honestly just say the fries are delicious and they should try it and we move on with our day. Its like online haters, you dont waste an hour of your life justifying things to them, so you have no reason to need to justify things to irl people.

I do hope this helps a little? I dont mind dms if you have any other questions of course :3

[mihai-florescu]

enstars analyses uhmmm i think we should spend more time talking about what dreams mean to characters ^^ it is In The Name. but i mostly think about how ritsu's issues with emotional dependency and wilfulness, all this stuff where he plays up his emotionality (??) are both result of and like an.. acting out of ... trauma from being u know. a chronically ill kid. with an absent family? and literally like two people who would visit him? and the isolation he would understandably feel; and the dependence he would have on those only points of connection--and he can't control those--i think it's interesting and i love ritsu. it's like, sometimes he acts like he chose to be how he is but a lot of it is out of his hands. hi i hope the rest of ur day goes well :>

Disclaimer post writing an answer, my mind drifted away while writing and i ended up just kinda Pondering and Rambling. Im sorry if it seems a bit scattered and all over the place, that's my mind rn. Ok, let's see what i actually said now.

Sometimes i think about how the war wouldnt have played out the same had rei never left ritsu to try to find doctors and cures for him (which led to breaking the promise of staying with ritsu that ultimately changed everything in their relationship forever). I wonder if rei would have ever even been in the cemetary and met keito had he just stayed to take care of ritsu. I also wonder if keito and rei would ever bond about having someone dear to them be sick. And had rei stayed, ritsu wouldnt have been upset and willing to give eichi advice on how to take him down. Would there had even been a war if Keito hadnt met Rei, or if the student council hadnt figured out how to send rei away. Would rei even be a protagonist if he hadnt left ritsu, if he had just stayed home in obscurity as well (i dont think so, and the story is built on the existence of these extraordinary characters, by the characters who arent, but are willing to make their way into the narrative nevertheless and achieve their dreams) One action's ripple effects etcetc.

Sorry i realise this was got way off topic from your original ask. I think i will continue to be off topic because i cant stop the train of thought ive embarked upon at this tardy post midnight time. I think eichi and ritsu are an underrated duo... they helped each other take steps towards their dreams afterall. During checkmate eichi giving a harsh wakeup call to ritsu in regard to being in his brother's shadow unless he does something himself to prove he's alive (top 10 eichi mean moments where he's also projecting onto the other person his own issues... not that he was wrong, but still). And in black tea, ritsu advising eichi on the war preparations during tea club (a serene setting in what was otherwise a hellish place, a piece of an everyday normal students life, which eichi craved so much his whole life. And ritsu also needed the club, interacting with new people, let alone another chronically ill kid).

Im thinking about your last sentence and how ritsu clung to the vampire persona the family adopted, the way to cope with the hereditary disability. As opposed to rei who changed his persona and struggled with the way he was perceived as a monster, when he was a human just as much as everyone else and tried to ignore his disability even? I dont think ignore is the best word. Downplay. It was always the acknowledgement that ritsu had it worse, despite the fact that rei also had it, he was looking for a cure for ritsu instead. First instance and development of his habit of helping people when they dont necessarily even ask for it. But yes anyway millions of tangents aside, ritsu clinging on to the vampire persona tighter and more consistently in his character, as a coping mechanism with a condition he didnt ask for, that is outside his hands. The one thing that was in his power was choosing to play into the vampire persona.

I havent even touched on mao... to be fair i dont think im the most qualified person to speak on him, or his relationship with ritsu. I am still figuring out my thoughts on them. Im glad they grew to find their own dreams in yumenosaki (heh), in the same realm, but not tied to each other where it gets suffocating.

I wouldnt call anything i said analysis as i wouldve probably ordered things better and had, well, an actual point, but i hope my stream of conciousness was as fun for you to read as it was for me to just think and type

[cicadangel]

erm.! diary 12/4

hi i havent been online in a bit or written any diary entries recently bc well i was really depressed and then i just like forgot or whatever. but uhmmm life updates sorta/just how im doing right now.

i will start with the good news :-) i am not depressed! ive been feeling good pretty consistently for the past 2 weeks i think? ive been happy enough to be able to function normally and do all the stuff i need to do. also school swim started so i got to see my crush (the one i talked abt a bunch last year) and i actually need him so bad he's so fine i need him. not much has happened w him (in terms of moments or whatever) but it will soon trust!!!!!! also ive been feeling a bit more confident lately in terms of how i think guys percieve me so i hope maybe that will inspire me to make a move but probably not. oh well.

as for everything else. well. i have been having issues with that one bitch "friend" ofc hoping to hit her with a car sometime soon. but thats not rly new ig. i am kind of having issues too tho with one of my other friends bc he's being weird and annoying. recently hes been extremely sensitive abt just everything which is whatever except he won't tell me, he'll just get upset and try to get me to ask him if he's upset except i won't play that game ugghhhhh if u have a problem with me tell me bc i wont understand otherwise!!! i cannot possibly fathom what he's got wrong with him about me so im not even gonna try. if he wants to fix it he can use his words otherwise no bueno it is not happening!!!!

he's also been like. weird to me recently. we're in psychology class together and we're gonna be at the "abnormal behavior" unit soon (which is mental illnesses) and he keeps saying ohhhh we're almost at your unit we're almost there when it's like stop thats actually so annoying. i am abnormal and crazy but that's not ur place to say? i dont talk to my friends abt my mental illness struggles but i guess it is obvious there's smth wrong with me or whatever but it's just annoying. i will talk abt how im against involuntary commitment to psych wards and how sooooo many therapists only end up doing more harm than good and my problems with the whole mental health industry and the modern understanding of it bc it's smth im rly passionate abt, but he just brushes me off as if i dont have first hand experience with all of the terrible ways psychiatry and the mental health industry can fuck people up???? i also feel weird talking to him in general sometimes bc i know he'll bring me up to his therapist (because he constantly mentions it) and i feel like i cant talk to him bc he's gonna tell her and that just puts a weird strain on the relationship. like his therapist knows me, but just from his pov and that kinda weirds me out im ngl.

oh i also got in a fight w my mom today. actually we're still fighting. it was over something soooo insignificant but i got so overly angry like i always do and now im going to make it ruin the rest of my day because i am insufferable. she's just been really angering me lately also ive been feeling destructive which is complicated. i dont rly like the term "splitting" but it's def what ive been doing a lot lately. ugh. also i like dont know what to do with my bpd "diagnosis" it makes me angry and like i just have so many problems with it in so many ways REGARDLESS if i actually have it or whatever which i could talk abt for hours. in some ways it's nice to have a label for what ive been going through my whole life but in most ways i am like not too happy with the fact that ive been handed a disqualification from ever being upset again. if i am, it'll just be because im a crazy borderline! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. more on that whole mess later sorry

[beautifulpersonpeach]

hello i came across your page and found you super interesting and a good source to go to when in need of some not sugarcoated opinions

im an army, been an army for a bit more than four years and just a few months ago i got super into enhypen and now well im obsessed

ive given other groups a chance… no one and when i say no one did it for me like enha i can’t believe they managed to turn the scale with bts for me im obsessed with both of them and now i have 14 babies

enha are really captivating and theres smth abt them thst idk its just special HOWEVER lets be real they are not doing so good with streams and charting and it pisses me off like crazy bc god do they deserve a lot more and i keep thinking what is it that they lack?

so i wanted to ask you do you think enha would make it big (armys pls dont come for me at the comparsion) but do u think they would make it big like bts? and secondly what are they lacking as a group in terms of everything (music, style, personalities, personas… etc)

***

Let's get the obvious out of the way lol. Unless it's a group from Big3, it's going to be near impossible for any currently active group to become as big as BTS this decade. For Big3 + HYBE groups, it's possible but difficult. Enhypen surprisingly doesn't follow BTS's playbook as closely as some other groups do. The three boy groups most closely following BTS's playbook right now, are:

RIIZE - in their whole concept being a coming of age odyssey with a rap-spin;

Stray Kids - practically everything about Stray Kids is BTS-inspired (and it's something I've talked about before);

Ateez - it's in their lore-heavy branding and performance focus, also utilizing rappers.

The key thing lacking for those three groups in reference to following BTS's playbook, in my opinion, is the music. Other things too, but it's the music that's the key limiting factor here. This doesn't kill their momentum and I'm not exactly saying the music bad, just that going by my taste, there's a lot of room for improvement.

ENHYPEN doesn't lack at all in the music department. I'm probably biased but it's also true many of their songs are produced by BigHit's team of producers who made the music that got BTS this big and who generally make stuff I like. So, Enha's got great songs, but like I've said before, currently, they're not a rap-focused or even rap-present group, and it's unusual for vocal-centered boy groups to become massively popular unless they're from SM, and even then, rap groups still outperform... I mean, we've seen that movie before.

But to follow BTS's playbook, they'll have to mitigate this lack of rappers - Bang PD/Belift has to push for more involvement from ENHYPEN into their song-making process. Having members with writing credits helps to show a more direct connection between the members and the song. It adds to a sense of ownership and legitimacy for a lot of fans (whether or not it actually reflects it). So far, in ENHYPEN Jake and Jay have contributed to songwriting and it's been very good. Ni-ki also takes part in making choreography. But for Enhypen to grow massively, the members need to be seen having more direct and consistent input into the creative process, whatever form that takes. Also, if I were them I'd lean even more into their choral, hiphop sound. Nobody does it like them and it's pure magic.

Also, ENHYPEN's lore is somewhat clumsily tacked into their MVs, making it difficult for people to understand the group's identity. Enha is a 'concept group'. Their concept trailers are beautifully shot, frankly a work of high cinema, something beyond the quality of most MVs. But then, all that complexity and subtext kinda disappears in their main MVs. Maybe it's because I've never been a theorist, but the presentation of lore symbolism in their MVs can be confusing and difficult to parse even with reading the WEBTOON. Ateez's lore by comparison is in a sense, 'simpler'. People might struggle to understand what ENHYPEN is and connect with them, when as a concept-heavy group, their lore is difficult to understand. It's up to Engenes to better compile and present the narratives around the group, to get more people to connect with them.

ENHYPEN are easily some of the best performers in their generation, but because of their style of music (vocal-heavy, limited rap/chanting verses paired with intricate choreography and floor-work), live concert performances can be very challenging. They pull it off amazingly well, but I worry for them tbh. Here, Ateez has figured out a formula that works to keep their performance energy consistently high: rely on simple rap/chant verses, focus on open, simple choreography that travels across the stage, and utilize props to add to drama.

Like I said earlier, Enha's music-scape and choreos add a layer of difficulty that make it harder to replicate BTS in terms of performance, as they currently are. Enha's vocals would need to improve, as will their stamina, to bridge the gap. But they are well on their way to getting there. If thing's continue to improve like it has so far, within a year or so they'll be seen as beasts. They're already incredible, but if they keep growing it will become more apparent to more people the unique mix of talent that exists in Enhypen.

Because that's what you saw that made you write this:

"a few months ago i got super into enhypen and now well im obsessed

ive given other groups a chance… no one and when i say no one did it for me like enha i can’t believe they managed to turn the scale with bts for me im obsessed with both of them and now i have 14 babies"

All seven of them are naturally, incredibly charismatic, and they seem to be very decent and talented people. That's why you're obsessed. Lol. In my view, Enhypen at their core is a high-performing hiphop team that does 'haunting and dramatic' contemporary pieces extremely well. Their performances are insanely intricate, and it frustrates me to no end that it's usually near impossible to translate all of what's happening in the practice to a stage performance.

Take for example their MMA2023 dance break:

It's been a source of fiery debate in my group chat since it dropped and I'm not even kidding. The amount of floor work, the precision, Heeseung, Ni-ki, Jungwon, Jay, Sunghoon's dance styles show best in krump breaks like this. Ni-Ki and Sunghoon trained in ballet and as a figure skater, respectively, and you can see it in how they move. Jungwon is a powerhouse, and Heeseung and Jay embody the sort of dual charisma that one can only be born with. You either have it, or you don't. They're all special and this is a performance that is just that good. But with the camerawork of the main show, the clashing outfits with the backup dancers, the poor lighting, means so much of this performance can be missed. The boys still did amazing. But when you see the practice and see what it's supposed to look like, it hits you just how limited they are by their intricate performances not captured better on stage. Engenes can work around this by hyping up good fancams, and dance practices that capture their effort.

The final thing I want to say in where ENHYPEN is lacking, is one in which it physically pains me because this is easy to fix: American roadshows/interviews. BTS had only one barely fluent English-speaker but he was also the person often most involved in making the music, and so he could better respond to questions about it. The rest of the group also made up for not being fluent English-speakers by doing comedic antics while remaining as engaged as possible in the interview. The person who usually contributes to Enhypen's American interviews is Jake for obvious reasons, sometimes Jay, but each time I've watched Jake speak he seems worse than unprepared. To be blunt. It's not enough for a group to show up on Western talk shows, they also have to effectively communicate who they are and why they're special. Enhypen does this so much better in variety content like this:

this too:

But in situations like this interview below, it's clear Jake sometimes struggles to explain some things, but he recovers quickly later in the interview.

Jungwon answers questions very well but speaks in Korean. It's fine, but working on his English can only be a positive in this scenario. For Jake too.

[violentviolette]

is it normal when trying to research pds you might have to feel a kinda vehement denial about it? ive been researching aspd for years (finally got comfortable saying i have it) but just recently started looking into npd and it feels like every time i see a person talking about their experiences with it my brain gets really cagey about it. i'll go from "oh yeah i totally get x thing" to "i am absolutely NOT someone with npd" to trying to justify that thought to myself??? tbf i've gone through this before with aspd and having to slowly break down my hang ups about it but i'm just curious if this is normal or has some underlying meaning to it and isn't some crazy bought of internalized ableism that won't go away lol. i realize you might not be the best person to ask about this since you're professionally diagnosed iirc but i digress

oh yea i think thats absolutely a very common thing that happens and i think its kind of an expected part of the process, especially in the early stages. i think there's multiple factors and things that go into what builds those kinds of responses but i think its just kind of natural given the nature of all this stuff i never had that issue with my aspd diagnosis, because id been diagnosed with CD so early on i always knew i didnt have empathy and so i just didnt reject it like that. but the first time a therapist suggested i might have npd i flipped out about it internally lol i was like "oh absolutely not i definitly dont have that" and struggled and fought with it for a while. even once id accepted i probably did have it, i was still really mad about it i think it's kind of natural when uve thought about urself one way for a chunk of ur life, to at first reject anything that challenges that or says that u might be someone different and ur motives might not be what u thought they were. and i think this is exacerbated when u have a cluster b disorder because of all the stigma surrounding them and how much shame and negativity is just unavoidable

sometimes there's also the "uniqueness" factor. a lot of us experienced heavy rejection as kids and learned very quickly that we were not like others and our experiences were very different. this can create a kind of defensive bubble where we reject identifying with others in order to preserve that feeling of otherness/uniqueness/specialness because we have learned to find comfort in it and challenging that can break a lot of other maladaptive coping mechanisms we've built so we shy away from it. this can also go in the negative direction where we second guess ourselves by downplaying our own experiences and invalidating our symptoms. things like "oh well im not that bad they have it way worse i dont qualify cause its only a little" type of mindsets i also think for npd especially, there can be a kind of uncomfortableness with seeing our own symptoms reflected back at us at first. i have a hard time being close friends with other ppl with npd because when i recognize behaviors in them that i also do, i get really uncomfortable and embarrassed. it triggers a lot of my own insecurities and anxieties and so there's that initial knee jerk reaction to be like "im Not like that" even when deep down we know we are. i think thats understandable given our disorders and struggles and is just something that u have to work to slowly break down. npd comes with a lot of feelings of shame and rejection and so it just takes time to unwrite that instinct, but i do think it eventually goes away for most people especially if ur actively acknowledging it and working on it

[particular-one]

HIIIIHIII Could i request a matchup .....? Enstars, twst and hypmic pls ...!!!

name is kitten or 🐏 emoji! i preferably dont use pronouns but she/her it/its are ok. i have no romantic preference in terms of fictional characters hahaaa.

my mbti is INTP, tho i tend to be the most "extroverted" one if placed in a room with other introverts. im also a 8w9 + virgo if that helps. also AB blood type though i dont see many people who believe in that stuff on here.

uhmmmm my personality. im pretty sociable for an introvert, but can get burnt out super quickly IRL (but i can talk for hours over text). due to the autism i cant express myself IRL but i make up for it a lot through the internet by being uhhh a real character online.

im like a bimbo with autistm and ADHD basically, airheaded cutesy girly, bad at filtering myself so i can definitely be rude/mean asf .. super bad attention span.. always with a friend. i Can like get carried away and get very mean to people im not friends with. overall im very temperamental and ive always been like "pretty girl but comes off rude/fake but shes also the class clown kinda". since humor just comes naturally to me kinda.

hobbies include: arts (drawing, making art dolls, sewing, designing outfits/costumes, fashion, ect). i used to do dancing and track running but had to stop due to health complications (im super low energy and cant be as active as most ppl). I LOVE idols so much too.

What i look in a partnerrr?? Uhh nobody shorted than me (162cm) just cuz i cant see them romantically no matter how hard i try. anything is ok honestly as long as I can talk to them for ages and theyre not too loud/chaotic. overall want someone to be as equally as down bad as i am with them for me (if not more haha)

misc ... uhh my favorite love language is acts of service. i dont have to force myself to do anything i struggle with like putting thoughts into words or trying to act affectionate (tho i do get cuteness aggression). i love recieving words of affirmation lmao i need the reminding that they do love me !!!!.

i lovee cats, BOBA i kind of have an addiction to it. cute stuff cute ppl ect... i dont rlly like public affection (its cringe asf seeing couples act lovey dovey in public Sory Im not doing that).

I WROTE SO MUCH SORRY i didnt even notice Please forgive me. uhh last bit of trivia umm. if i were half-animal id have bunny ears and a tail... or id be a deer. THATS IT OK SORRY.

hi kitten! rrararararraa a hypmic AND enstars request?? im so excited :> and don't worry about rambling, it gives me a better idea on who i can match you with! hope you like them!

ENSEMBLE STARS ---- SHU ITSUKI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ shu's first meeting with you was not actually the first time he's seen you. your handiwork with fashion had piqued his interest for the longest time, but he never actually knew that it was you behind those pieces. so imagine his surprise when he finds out that the genius behind the designs was in fact, you! though shu came off as fussy at first, especially since he wanted to get close to you to observe how you perfected your designs, he gradually found himself enjoying your company more and more. when he finds out about your interest in idols, this amuses him greatly, considering he is one. he'd be the last to admit he likes you, but his behavior ends up changing for the better when he's around you. as a partner, shu can be a bit extravagant with the way he shows love, but he always remembers to keep it in private to respect your preference. he's a perfectionist, so he likes to plan out your activities together down to the tiniest detail, but that's because he wants you to have the best time. shu can be rather straightforward with his words as he doesn't beat around the bush — he doesn't have a filter at times either — but everything he says about you, he truly means them. shu likes admiring you while you're busy at work (he says he's doing it because he wants to see how you do things but secretly it's because he likes watching you do something you're passionate about) but there are days where the both of you would be in the same room working on your respective designs together! he asks for your inputs and vice versa, it's usually the most fun he has.

TWISTED WONDERLAND ---- JAMIL VIPER

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ jamil was not your biggest fan when you first met — if he were being honest, you almost reminded him of kalim, and having another kalim was never good. still, you often get paired in tasks together that he had to get to know you eventually, and was he wrong about not liking you. though it took him quite a while to warm up to the idea of being in your company, he actually found himself looking forward to talking with you. surprise surprise, jamil's definitely the type of "he fell harder" in this situation. as a partner, jamil is most definitely not the publicly affectionate type. though it might seem he's keeping your relationship lowkey, it's mainly because he didn't want people (read: kalim) to make the biggest fuss about it. though he doesn't take you out that often, he's very loving and caring in private. though jamil never enjoyed the idea of serving someone, with you it was different. he'd find himself enjoying to cook your favorite food, help you out in your tasks without a word, and to make you feel as comfortable as possible. character development for him, tbh. when you tell him of your craving for boba, watch this man continuously try and succeed to making boba tea tailored to your preference.

HYPNOSIS MIC ---- NEMU AOHITSUGI

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ nemu actually met you through a chance encounter in a mock rap battle during the tdd era as audience members. it was your personality that drew her in, but she was actually surprised by how blunt you were, but if she were being honest, your humor makes her laugh a lot. your relationship means the world to her, especially since she made sure that samatoki didn't interfere as much as possible. she loves her brother, but he can get carried away when it comes to her. nemu's definitely the one who ended up liking you first, but she's unsure on how to express this to you. as a partner, nemu is very, very sweet. she's scared of messing anything up, so she carefully plans everything in advance. when she finds out that you like cats, she actually comes forward with the idea of adopting a cat together with you! it became your bonding activity, with two of nemu's favorites in the entire world: the cat and of course, you. she has your favorite boba order/s memorized and likes to surprise you with getting some. nemu's the encouraging type, so expect a lot of comforting words from her. she's also the type who likes bringing you out to shop, whether it's for your art materials or for clothes, nemu likes hearing your inputs on the items you buy (or consider buying) and takes note of them so she can surprise you with them in the future.

[magic-is-something-we-create]

This or that: Writer's edition tag!

Thank you for the tag, @pens-swords-stuff!! i love these kinds of games so much :D

this post is long, so apologies in advance! that said, i'll tag @writeblrfantasy, @ettawritesnstudies, @ren-c-leyn, and @enchanted-lightning-aes, as well as anyone else who wants to play!! as always, absolutely 0 pressure to participate if you dont want <3

(explanations for choices are optional, i am just a wordy bitch and want to Speak At Length about many things)

- historical or futuristic

as much as i write fantasy, i LOVE a speculative tech-based setting way more than i love a historical or pseudo-historical setting - which is uh. why my main fantasy world does in fact have a cyberpunk corner and Heavily Implied To Be Aliens pantheon.

- opening or closing chapter

the closing chapter is ALWAYS one that ive been champing at the bit to write for the whole book, and its always so satisfying to finally get out on the page

- light+fluffy or dark+gritty

case in point: whispers and the copious amounts of various horror, gore, and downright gut-punch scenes in millennium saga

- animal companion or found family

bonus points for the found family if theres an animal companion of course, but as much as i love wrench, she is a) not the most important member of the party and b) also a robot so i dont think she counts as an animal anyway outside of andy's dubious claims to fitting under the "dragon" definition

- horror or romance

i will write 1000 instances of "what the FUCK" for every page i struggle through writing romance as someone who does not experience attraction

- hard or soft magic system

I LOVE MAKING PUZZLES OUT OF WORLDS AND MAGIC AND STORIES. THATS IT THATS THE POST

- standalone or series

surprise! TMS may be a series and my long-running main WIP, but uh. 90% of my concepts are standalones. and tbh i like writing standalones more because i dont have to struggle with multiple books of plot and characters fitting together

- one project at a time or always juggling multiple

while i have a bajillion ideas, i struggle to get any work done if im not 100% invested in the story at hand, so i work on one at a time (while allowing myself to switch if i need to of course; but if i do switch, it's never just a few days. its months, and often seeing something to completion)

- one award winner or one best seller

honestly? id rather be recognized for my hard work in creating the characters/story via an award than via a bajillion people reading it,,, though theoretically if its winning an award at least enough people have read it to a) nominate it and b) vote for it, so? best of both worlds kinda?

- fantasy or scifi

YOU THINK I, GENRE BLENDER GEORG, COULD CHOOSE--

- character or setting description

please god. my beta readers didnt know what color embers hair was until chapter 13 because i couldnt fuckin figure out how to put a description of it in naturally. ill take describing massive trees and open ocean and vast plains of ice and cluttered rooms and stained glass windows any day but dont make me describe the narrator or i swear to fuck

- first or final draft

its the puzzle box gremlin in me like "NYEHEHEHE THE PIECES. THEY ARE THERE. PEOPLE CAN SOLVE THEM. NEYHE" and that simply cannot happen in the first draft

- love triangle in everything or no romantic arcs

we write polyamory, one (1) enemies-to-lovers, or no romance at all in this house (it feels so alienating to write no matter what but if its for the story ill do just about anything)

- constant sandstorm or rainstorm

can i say blizzard? i want to say blizzard. same "dont go outside or you'll die" as sandstorm but less worrying about water and also more excuses for the characters to light a fire and Talk About The Horrors or just commit arson

[fantasmafanta]

chipspeech rambles so i dont explode

hi this is prolly gonna be a long post that makes no sense srry i just need to brainrot dump. but most important thing if ur not weird and you like chipspeech PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE dm me here so i can give you my discord or instagram where i am actually active more ahhhhhh.

ok anyway blue robots woohoo. these little bastards have been stuck in my brain for like a month now and its just gotten worse. the cool thing about chipspeech is it like doesnt entirely go with the rest of the vocal synth/vocaloid fanbase but rather than being its own seperate things its like this neat little extension of it in like multiple ways. it not only is just a really cool software that tried a lot of new cool things that we dont really see with like vocaloid and synthv and stuff but it also kinda shows the history of how we got to the point of modern vocal synth software in a cool way! even if you dont dive into it like i have you still get the basic “oh well voder was made in like 1939 and it had to be operated by hand how cool” and like through chipspeech you kinda get to see the evolution of how we got to where we are now and i think that thats really neat. 

but then if youre a nerd like me you get to have a ton of fun diving into all of the history and cool old tech stuff. liking chipspeech has made me find a new interest in old computers/tech/software/videogames do i fully understand how they work? hell no! do i love looking at them and having them explained to me by some dude on youtube? hell yeah!! and like its just so cool to go in and research the machines/softwares that inspired the chipspeech bots because even though its difficult sometimes you get to see these advances made and how each one differs from each other in how it was made, how it was operated, its function, etc. and thats SO. FREAKING. AWESOME. like dude have you seen the video of one of the tests for the votrax?? (the one that bert gotrax is based on) if you havent basically it was made so that people with disabilities so they couldnt talk could have conversations over the phone. they tested it by trying to order a pizza using only the software. it took like 3 tries before someone took them seriously and they got the pizza. and the moment they were like “yeah deliver that to the msu computer center” i got so excited cuz that just felt so badass!! like put yourself in their shoes, its 1974, you’re testing your new speech program, and it finally worked. a room full of people, a camera, a news broadcast (iirc), theyre all watching you struggle to order this pizza and then you finally do it and get to tell them to deliver it at the lab you just proved your intelligence to and fehjvddsujfs i cant explain my thinking but DUDE its just so cooooooolllllll!!!!!!! 

but like yeah i need to rant cuz in one of my lovely friend’s words i need to “GET THESE QUEERS OUT OF MY BRAIN!!” (a silly thing my irl said) also like i love the way the voices sound. like yeah sometimes i have no clue what theyre saying but thats not the point of chipspeech!! like vosim has such a nice buzzy voice and like dee no matter their range just sounds so.... great. i dont even know how to describe it it just makes my brain sooooo happy. like sam to most people would be like static weird... idk man but i loooove the staticky sounds theyre just so neat. but its so hard to find nice chipspeech covers/songs. luckily im starting to find how to discover chipspeech stuff but its still so difficult :(

and like fanart and general fan content toooooo how do i find it?? i think the answer is i dont but that makes me sad. cuz the twitters are no longer active and its never been very popular so it doesnt seem like we get much. and literally the only discord server for chipspeech is run by... not-so-great (from what ive seen/heard) people in the fanbase. even if the main accusations arent true it still seems to be a safe space for proshippers which makes me feel icky sooo. help. 

anyway im not re-reading through this so like sorry its so long and makes no sense i just need to get chipspeech thoughts out. if you like it PLEASE TALK TO ME!!!! im losing my mind ahhh

[transfemininomenon]

You're making me want to watch Midnight Mass again because i watched it with friends when it came out and we Hated it but you seemed so hype that now i wanna watch it again just to see if maybe it was better than i remember and i was just influenced by my friend's opinion?! I'm very curious to see it from someone else's perspective, what do you think made it so great in your eyes?

OKAY spoilers for the show so if youre planning on watching it sometime look away because im gonna mention some very big spoilers for the show lmao theyre very intrinsic to what im gonna talk about

the primary reasons i like the show is that it really does use like, SO many story elements/tropes that i really like, and ones that i especially like when it comes to horror. starting at the very beginning the theme of returning home after an amount of time has passed and finding it suddenly feeling so unfamiliar & different is a trope that i already went insane over, and currently its a theme that also personally is something im experiencing very vividly. combine this with the trope of old friends reuniting after years apart and kinda Going Through It together is ALSO one of my favorite tropes and is done very very well in the show

it continues with just. i think the absolute ultimate Horror Setting is "small town where weird stuff happens." to probably nobody's surprise one of my favorite shows ive watched in recent years is twin peaks which does the same thing. having a Small Town helps make the entire thing feel a lot more intimate & personal, especially when it comes to characters because like. these people all know each other So Well. theyve grown up in the community, their parents lived in the community, they all know each other. theyve raised their kids together and worked together. it immediately creates such a good dynamic and intimacy with the characters and imo does such a good job of making you Care about them a lot quicker, which benefits a short series like midnight mass very well

that also helps to set the stakes because these are all people you care about, these are people you KNOW, these are people you can identify with. it makes the inevitable horror & tragedy that you know is coming all the more powerful. especially seeing them already dealing with every day horrors that All of us can relate to in some way in the current day like capitalism ruining a now dying community, religious persecution, alcoholism, misogyny, health issues, growing older, homophobia, and disillusionment amongst others. you can understand the desperation & sadness in all of them, and it makes what is to come make a lot more sense

then. a mysterious religious figure arriving in the community. "miracles" beginning to happen. people beginning to become more and more fanatically connected to this mysterious religious figure, and why wouldnt they! theyve all had such struggles in life that seemingly are fixing themselves daily since his arrival, and he promises more. cults have always been a storytelling subject that has gotten to me Every time and one ive incorporated into a lot of my own d&d writing because theyre endlessly so Interesting and scary and the slow build up of the one here is so well done

speaking of the religious aspect, this is the most important part of why i like the show truly. obviously the first big Twist of the show is learning about the Angel, and if i hadnt already been invested in the show this is probably what would have sold me immediately. the linking of Angel to Vampirism is in my honest opinion simply genius - blood in christianity especially is such an important spiritual thing, like linking the "blood of christ" with vampirism is. incredible. its genuinely incredible. vampires have always been intrinsically linked with religion, though are almost always portrayed as being Repelled by it. flipping it around and having a vampire be an Angel & having a priest turned vampire leading his flock slowly leading them toward that same vampirism believing that it is a form of divinity is. its insane. its genius. im obsessed with it.

the show REALLY leans into the religious horror aspect of it too, which i feel like a lot of other stories that have tried to do similar things too often like. back out of it. they pull a "oh see actually it was some SATANIC person tricking the poor unsuspecting christians" or something like that. midnight mass keeps it up throughout the entire show fully leaning into no, from beginning to end it is the christian religious leaders of the community who bring and then continue the Horror, and to the end all in the name of God

religious horror is truly what ends up being THE scariest part of the show, with Bev ending up being both the true villain and scariest figure in a show that has a Literal Horror Vampire Angel. the insidious way in which she helps to slowly poison her community and drive good, honest people into bloodthirsty monsters both figuratively and Literally is terrifying, and the way it ultimately turns into a community literally tearing each other apart through sheer religious & societal pressure is. terrifying. the second to last episode of the show where this all hits its peak at the end is, honest to god, THE scariest thing i have ever watched, and ive seen a LOT of horror in my time

and most importantly, it does religious horror without like. coming across as anti-religious. im someone who does not really buy into religion as a social construct, but i both very very deeply believe in a great big capital s Something & also respect that religion is a very important, and for many a very Healthy, part of many many people. religious based horror ive found too often ends up just coming about as either some disguised satanic panic OR as "religion all bad", and midnight mass i think did a perfect job of like. both calling out religious extremism particularly of the christian variety while ALSO being very religious in tone

like. there are characters who to the end stay very devoted to their faith and to god and that is shown to be their Strength and a good thing. i think one of the absolute strongest and most incredible moments in the entire show is with Annie Flynn as she confronts Bev, during which time Bev tries to bring up her son Riley (someone who both accidentally killed someone and who also is an atheist), as she says:

"God loves him. Just as much as he loves you. Why does that upset you so much? Just the idea that God loves everyone, just as much as you?"

this, to me, is one of the best quotes in the entire show, showing that she still very much believes in God and his love while simultaneously calling out that very particularly american fanatical christian Horror that so much of the story is based on

in the end too, after so much horror has happened, after so much death and bloodshed, it ends not with the townsfolk all casting their faith aside after being so led astray and turned into such horrible creatures. it ends with them one final time coming together as a community, as friends, as family, as neighbors, as sinners who in their final moments ask each other for forgiveness and reassert their faith Together and its. its genuinely beautiful. the ending is to me one of the most beautiful, albeit sad & bittersweet, things i have ever seen. im actually going to insert it because it. man it gets to me

especially!!! especially!! all of the characters despite all of their own sins and the way they fucked up throughout the story. they all end in peace. they all end together with those that they love, theyve forgiven each other, theyve again found Peace. all of them except Bev. the one person who absolutely does NOT deserve to have any peace ends with her so full of fear, frantically trying to struggle against the end coming, the end that the people she played a part in ruining the lives of have found their own peace with. its so beautiful, and poetic, and i love it so so much.

there's other things i really like about it too - the twist that riley, seemingly the protagonist, dies in episode 5 of 7. the slow build on the horror, especially compared to mike flanagan's other works. the INcredibly well foreshadowed twist that sarah was john's daughter. john's story arc of villain turned antihero. the incredible soundtrack, with it being i think the newton brothers' best work yet. these are all things i could also write paragraphs about, which i probably will do in time, but ive only just seen the show Yesterday and still need time to fully formulate thoughts on stuff

also! the show is scary! really, genuinely scary! as mentioned the horror is a slow build, which as said is a stark contrast to mike flanagan's other works. both the haunting of hill house & bly manor are a LOT scarier in the beginning and then gradually get less so, both in the way that horror naturally gets less scary as you get used to it and also in the way that like. with those stories the Scary Things end up just becoming kinda sad. meanwhile midnight mass really lets the horror simmer and build up before, as i mentioned above, it reaches a head in episode 6 when it becomes what i genuinely believe is one of the scariest things i have ever watched. the entire lead up to the fateful midnight mass for easter, the reveal of the Angel to everyone else, the painful dyings and resurrections, and then the ensuing bloodshed.... its terrifying. genuinely, truly terrifying

then, of course, it does also end up becoming Sad too but. its a kind of sadness that just like his previous works feels so earned & carries so much more weight after everything that has happened

theres def more i have to say about the show but again i just watched it yesterday & gotta have more time to think on it but. these are the things that immediately stood out to me!