#ive been struggling with feelings of guilt a lot lately because ive been having really awful chronic pain

[sqrkyclean]

No one ever got happier sittin' around waitin' to get happier!!

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

[foggieststars]

fic writer interview!!

tagged by @bright-and-burning & @fueledbyremembering tysm my beloveds <33

How many works do you have on AO3?

18 for f1... 3 on my other profile :0

What's your total AO3 word count?

183,098 and i'm really hoping to hit 200k by the end of the year.... i luv meaningless milestones... <3

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

let's be alone together

i'll always see great heights in you

what i go to school for

says he's gonna teach me just what fast is

hatred cradles you

let's be alone together got like absurdly well received and i am so grateful for it always but also. lowkey sad that i have probably already peaked in this fandom... also i had No idea hatred cradles you was so up there for my fics. wow...

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!! i really really try to <3 if it's a shorter fic i tend to reply right away to comments but when it's a longer fic it may take me some time. i always want to reply to everybody though!

for some reason i'm really struggling to reply to comments on 'such murderous and vengeful desire' tho.. idk why i just got a lot of LOVELY long comments that really engaged with the fic and i always feel like my responses are so lame. but i'm really trying!! know that even if i don't reply right away i always see and appreciate everything <3

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

hmmm probably such murderous and vengeful desire like. i dont think this version of lestappen would ever break up but they certainly are sacrificing health and happiness to be together... but could they even be happy with other people??? i think not

to ME this is still a happy ending. but i've been reliably informed it made several people cry so like. i think it fits the criteria

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

most of my fics have pretty happy endings... even if it's not straight up happy it's still like. a promising ending because i'm a hopeful bitch... but probably my landoscar orgasm denial series off to the races has the happiest ending because. those bitches just love each other and being fucking nasty with each other and there's literally not even a smidge of angst because they just literally are in love and happy .

Do you write crossovers?

nope!

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

when i was like 13 i had some dedicated haters on my harry potter fanfics </3 but not since those dark times lol

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yeah i'm a fiend unfortunately... i don't really know how to categorise it tho sdlfkjsf... like i'm just big on smut. i guess ive written quite a lot of getting together smut... i'm also big on like. exploring embarrassment and shame and guilt during sex which i'm sure has little to do with my catholic upbringing

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as i know!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

god yeah. when i was 13... we wrote a self-insert fic where we kidnapped and ransomed one direction and it was titled stockholm syndrome. released PRIOR TO the song. i should note .

What's your all-time favorite ship?

all time favourite ship is probably like. legitimately percy and annabeth from percy jackson lmfao... also shout out to drarry <3

but within f1 it's lestappen in particular (in case u couldnt tell) but really any charles ships recently . charlos in particular has been really moving me lately. basically anything that involves charles has me :)

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

ugh. winner's room wip.... i seriously think about them all the time :( i just don't have like the mental space for it at present.... but i really really really want to try and get it done. because i think it would eat. and i'd also like to experiment with chaptered fics!

What are your writing strengths?

i think i'm good at characterisation? and i think in particular i have quite a tendency to turn everything into a character study but i think it works well. idk though i find it very hard to like. praise myself with any sort of critical eye because as soon as i post a fic i fully forget what i even wrote so. <3

What are your writing weaknesses?

i think i suffer from talks too fucking much disease. like i think some of my fics could really benefit from being shorter and snappier and i am just not good at that sort of writing but it's something i'm trying to improve on... like i think some of it is just my style being a bit long-winded but i think in general i could find shorter ways of describing things and stuff :)

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

not even once. i don't mind the occasional foreign language swear word or like phrase like il predestinato. but i think writing whole chunks in a foreign language is really ...... like. phew. like even if it's not terribly google translated i find it an inconvenience to go off and translate it myself...

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

it's probably a tie between harry potter and one direction - i remember stumbling onto both of their fanfic sites when i was around 11/12 but i genuinely don't remember which came first

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

choscar is my number 1!! i have ideas though and i'm excited to crack on w some of them :)

What's your favorite fic you've written?

i think it's the world was built for two ... like i just thought it was so bad and i actually ended up being so proud of it with distance. i reread a little chunk of it recently and was like wrow... i wrote this! whcih is not an emotion i am accustomed to feeling i usually avoid rereading my own stuff because i just reread it with editor brain on and think how i couldve made things better. but actualy like. i love girl charles and her messy beautiful bpd princess life and i think i did her justice <3

tagging: @liamlawsonlesbian @lovelylotusf1 @maaxverstappen @ninetqs @gayferrari @bumblewyn @1425fivefive @piastriachios @breathofnyx because i am as always so out of the loop and have no idea who's already done this :***** <3

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hi, im a mutual of yours who is too shy/on&off tumblr to interact, but i do look up to you; and your blog and way of seeing things helped me in the past when i was struggling quite a bit.

Lately I feel as if im lost in life, lost my passions and floating aimlessly without a real goal, detached from the future etc. Do you have any advice? I appreciate ur view on things, hope this isnt overstepping 🌦🌈

hi its ok no pressure too interact w me ona personal level just cus were mutuals i enjoy the ambient bonds that can form on this website its why i stay ^^ and no it's not overstepping at a;ll sorry it took me a lil while to respond i was trying to think of good advice since i often feel lost too---

well firs t n foremost to give credit where credit is due, this bjork reddit AMA response really gets to the bottom of it , ever since i first read this here on tumbr a few years ago it really rly stuck w me:

the way this answer helped me is like, it helped me realize i dont need to be so regimented i dont need to put all this pressure on myself to create..All that does is feed into self inflicted guilt when i cant live up to my own expectations u.u you see for my whole life i've never been able to plan anything. yes i can think about the next steps i want to take, i can assemble a plan, i can see the logical way forward, but my moods. or like, idek. how to explain..

i cant force anything. if im not feeling it, i cant force it. ive STRUGGLED w this like i dont wanna be this way. because my feelings i cant predict. like for example i worked on music all winter because thats what i was feeling. then suddenly in march i just like, wasnt feeling it all of a sudden. As soon as it hit me i was like Fy767*T&UG*** because i didnt know when it was gonna come back. i still dont know!! im just trying to be patient waiting it out..in the mean time i have suddenly become enthused with drawing again after not ~feeling~ drawing for most of 2023. sometimes i go for weeks where i dont take a single photo and then suddenly it starts flowing again.. my website was also left untouched for most of 2023 until recently.

thats just one example of this repeating pattern in my life that i didnt understand for so long. theres years of my 20s where i couldnt feel passion for anything at all, looking back now i believe those times i was meant to be focusing on stuff in my psyche that needed healing to clear out some headspace for art. and this bjork quote put a lot into perspective it showed me how to reformulate my thinking to be more accomodating to my disposition. when i'm patient & kind w myself, take each day as it comes, let go of the imaginary pressure, let go of "the future", stuff starts to come thru easier.

and maube its gonna show up in ways you dont expect but its true that the mundane world offers so many ways to practice being creative & giving u stuff to weave into the art u want to create.. every water fall starts w a single drop its trueits true :] thats my advice i spose i really didnt meant to write this much but im boooored.. actually my nighttime boredom writing is one of those habits i never considered to b creative until very recently. there's so many small & automatic things we do that can lead to a meaningful life & purpose.

thanks for the question anon i hope this helps in some way , this is whats helped me but everyone's process is different. and i still have moments where im like WTFFF is happening but its easier to ride it out now. i wish the same for you just give it time <3 thanks again xPmd9

[brbabcseu]

ive been taking up the dashboard lately so please!! has anything specific about jesse and aj or mer been on ur mind recently??

I feel like I spend so much time talking about Jesse and AJ so I'm gonna make this a certified Meriwa & AJ-centric post!

Mer is a good relative. Not necessarily a conventionally good PARENT, but you could also argue the same for Jesse. The situation w/ these three is so nuanced but that's besides the point lmao. She curses a lot and thinks her omelets are better than Jesse's. She also thinks it's not a crime to put cheese and bacon into a pancake, they can be savory too "if you open your tiny mind". She hates the PTA moms of Skagway. She's thinking of going back to school. She's so good at being Jesse's friend and so annoyed abt that. She proclaims she's straight edge but gets scolded by AJ for smoking cigarettes. She has a strained relationship with her youngest sister and a relationship she's greatly missing with her oldest sister, who died not long before AJ was born. She loves her little sister Amlliq (pronounced um-sh-k; most just call her Billie) despite their struggles, because family is family. That, family being family, is a little part of the reason she comes back AJ's freshman year of high school.

I've talked a bit about her return but I can't emphasize enough just how much of a catalyst it was for things to start falling like dominoes for AJ. Jesse very gently and very carefully makes him aware of her presence in town, and makes it very clear that he does NOT have to meet her, he has NO obligation to invite her into his life at this point, and whatever AJ needs of him, he'll be right there. AJ is just like ty I appreciate all of that, I don't really wanna meet her but I think I need to hear what she has to say anyway and then decide. He appreciates just how honest she is about why she gave him up, why she's here now, if it's just because it seems "easier" now that he's older. She's basically just like listen I was in my early 20's, I had a lot going on, I still gave your dad a choice, I didn't even know I was pregnant until I went into labor. And AJ's like um okay PAUSE on that last one lmaooo. At the end of it Mer is like "I wouldn't hold it against you if you told me to fuck off. Just figured I'd try reaching out and see if you're open to building some sort of... something."

He doesn't at first, but once things fall apart with Jesse he starts spending a lot of time around her-- in the grand scheme, knowing what he knows, she suddenly becomes the lesser of two evils lol. He does end up enjoying their time together, she's functionally a cool big sister at this early stage of their relationship.

She knows, by the way. Meriwa's known about Jesse for a good long while and it's the other reason she decides to come back. That part gnaws at her; she knows he'd been troubled, but not much more than that. Her continued inaction the longer she knew about this without checking on AJ led to a growing guilt, which kind of paralyzed her further into not checking in, and so the cycle went for several years. Mer's well aware she herself is not perfect, and she has a brain, so the nuance of the Heisenberg chronicles was not lost on her. And then actually meeting AJ, seeing how he turned out, how he and Jesse interact... it was very relieving. At the same time, she doesn't question or judge when AJ needs that space from Jesse to come to grips with everything.

I feel I've already piled on a LOT of information but I wanna touch briefly on their first mother-son trip that I've mentioned before as well!! Summer before sophomore year she bring him to Fairbanks to meet the rest of her family. He has a lot of cool aunts and uncles and cousins, there're two cousins in particular around his age and he really enjoys getting to know them. His family is so big now!! And frankly he needs it, sad as the reality of it is he needs that breathing room from Jesse; the two need time to repair separately before they can come back together. He feels great warmth at having more family to be a part of, but throughout the trip starts to feel dejected and a little jealous over how doting, affectionate, and playful an aunt Meriwa can be to her youngest nieces and nephews. The pendulum of AJ's grandfather clock of angst is never not in motion and it's just frequently swinging back and forth between these two forces in his life: one that used to represent stability but now belies unrest; and one that used to represent the opposite but now hold the promise of something more permanent, but that scares him!! And with his state of disillusionment he's convinced it'll all fall apart at any second.

One day I'll talk more abt the dynamic btwn Jesse, AJ's godmother Delilah, and Meriwa, but that's a whole can of worms loll and would also mean I need to actually Talk abt Delilah, bc I never do for some reason but she's SO important in the AJ Lore

Some lightning round fun facts to tie this up:

She's had a passing interest in journalism and so that's what she's thinking of majoring in when she goes back to school-- Jesse always says WHEN not IF bc he fully believes Mer can do it and she'll absolutely kill it

She's closest with her uncle and her mother :')

AJ and Mer bond over their love for Brand New Eyes by Paramore but disagree on whether Danger Days is MCR's best album

Her pancakes are stellar, both of the sweet and savory variety, but she'll only make chocolate chip pancakes for the former. She refuses to get cc pancakes from diners bc they never put it in the batter and you can't just slather it on top what's even the point--

Mer doesn't put a label on it but she's bisexual, and is definitely sure Jesse is too. She'll lean over to AJ sometimes and be like, "Does he know..?" and AJ's like "Not a clue"

Have a silly aj & mer doodle!!

[pumakaji64]

i suffer from this annoying problem you see-

i want to do more, i really think i do- but i just feel so confined by my current living situation where i am consantnly around my family- you see in 2020 my father mother and eldest sister had to move in with my older sister and i because of covid costing my parents their jobs- i wasn't exactly doing stellar before this but i was feeling like i was starting to get a handle on my life and starting to figure important things out- but since the move i feel like ive had to put that all on halt......

i stopped going to online therapy because i have no privacy to do so and feel safe because if i wanted to get any real progress id have to talk about my family and my childhood whici i do NOT want any of them hearing about and i cant go physically because i cant drive and i dont want to waste more gas and the time of the others- i stopped drawing because i have no privacy to safely express myself without their eyes unless if i lock myself in my room which they will judge me for and now my dominant hand is permanantly injured making it painful to draw unless im careful about it- i am confined downstairs in the living room most of the time because i need to watch my dog (this is on me though I can accept that) so i feel like i have no space for myself and when i take leisure time feel nothing but guilt everytime my family comes by- they love teasing me over the dog too saying i dont do enough i dont know how much theyre joking i already feel like shit all the time so i dont really appreciate the jabs- being on here is the one consistant thing i can muster up enough energy to do- but even so not without constant guilt- most days off dont feel like much of anything.

its hard even to engage in my interests anymore- dont have the time, dont have the energy, dont have the privacy, dont have the intelligence, dont have the confidence, idk... just been tough lately i guess.

not even my room offers much respite- my parents room is right across and they love to keep their door open- i feel them watching everytime i go in

i feel stuck

i feel like im wasting my life

i feel like i will never get out of here

i do not know what to do

i dont think theres even anything waiting for me even if i can

tw suicide talk

i cant go back to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life- theres so much pressure for me to be succesful and each day i feel like more and more of a failure- and i know if i try and fail again i might end up trying to kill myself like i did last time

but to be honest i know i cant even kill myself because i know the cost of a funeral wont be worht it and because im too much of a coward to do so

but staying alive isnt much better when you feel like a constant financial drain and worthless layabout all the time

and everytime i think i find some sort of plan or some way out its like a carrot on a stick thats tugged away from me like a joke

it's so funny- i was openyl gushing about how hopeful i felt and now realitys crashing back down once again! there's no getting out of here.

to make it all worse this year has been terrible for me healthwise- im falling apart in so many ways and i feel even worse about being a waste of money-

i dont feel like i can talk to any of them about how awful i feel- most of the time any attempt to do so ends poorly and even when it doesnt nothing changes- i dont know where to make heads or tails of it all- i know im to blame for a lot of my own issues i know i overreact and take things too personally- i feel like i paint an unfair picture of them sometimes but eveyr day feels harder to keep on going- i already struggled with doing basic shit to take care of myself but recently it feels impossible

they did always say i just dont care enough- either its always been true or at some point became it.

i dont want to go to my stupid fucking job that bores the shit out of me- but i have to- i have to be of use somehow- i didnt sleep last night- i dont want to go to work because when im at work i just think about all the things i could be doing- actually useful or fufilling things i know i wont do on my day off despite how badly i wish i was while at my job

but i have to- it's almost time- so i guess i will.

whats the point of writing all of this- a cry for help maybe? pity seeking maybe even if i try to deny it over and over- i guess im just nearing my breaking point- something about these ast few months have been really grueling lately- again probably to do with all the suddent medical issues and the fact that my 20's are halfway done and i have nothing of worth to show for it- i dont know what to do i dont think im ever escaping this place and maybe thats for the best

I’m not a good person- I have all the same horrible traits they do. I just hide it on here to appear more likable.

im 25- its too late- ive wasted my entire life- it was always going to end this way everyone whose ever knwon me could see it thats why they all gave up on me- i did too. theres no point in prentending i can be fixed and wasting any more money. i feel like a ghost in this house watching life pass by. i feel like a stupid child trapped in an adults body.

i dont know what to do anymore-everything feels like sawdust.

But I’ll be fine… I’m numbing it all out. I don’t feel enough to want to hurt myself this time. like i said i have to go to work soon

im going to go downstairs and my mother will see my horribly messy hair and she'll make some annoyed comment about me needing to brush and ask me to run my fingers throught the tangles and we'll go to work. and i'll tell stupid jokes to try to make her smile because its the least i can do.

despite it all i love them still- but some days i wish i could love them from a safe distance.

im tempted to delete this like i do with all my breakdowns that i post on blogs that arent my vent blog but i think i'll keep this one up- because deep down i think i do want some advice or help or something- i cant keep living like this. i dont know what to do to stop. i just wish i had more to offer in return.

or maybe i just need to yell- whatever- doesnt matter- i'll go back to my usual postings on both of my active blogs regardless of whatever happens after this post-im sure i'll regret it later and try to just ingore this and hope you all too but it's like 4 am so whose even gonna see this lol

[literalite]

Hii!!!💕 Please 🎵🎭💥🔥 for Sunny!

I hope I'm not as late as always, but wanted to send an ask for OC emoji asks thingy and say once again that I love your simblr with my whole heart and especially love the character development and depths of your original characters! The lore behind them is just so detailed, and I can't put my head around how it's possible. Also, your writing is beautiful, and I'd read hundreds of your OC asks replies, you're so good at telling things! ANYWAYS, I hope you're having a great time of the day, regardless of what time it is! I love you & your blog ❤️

🎵 MUSIC NOTE - what is their playlist like? their favourite artists? do you associate a particular song with them?

sunny's playlist is here 😁 but again like nayefs its not really music he'd 100% listen to, just what summarises him as a character. in terms of personal taste he doesnt actually get to listen to a whole lot of music due to the incarceration and shit but if he could he'd like rap a lot i think 🤔 ive been listening to key glock a lot as of late and i think he'd like that

🎭 MASKS - do they act differently around certain people? what's different between the way they act around friends, family, strangers, etc.?

oh yeah for sure hes almost nothing but masks at this point- he basically works out what he wants from a person and presents the mask they'd be able to work with and thats who he is with them. it's not even something he'll do on purpose half the time, it's so ingrained into his psyche. the person that he is without it isn't one worth his or anyone else's attention as far as he's concerned- its small and damaged and ugly. no one wants to see that shit least of all him

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

"trouble dealing with" is a bit of a loose criteria- if its what he can pack away nice and tight so he can continue being his smug confident extroverted self, its everything. he does well with just leaving difficult emotions for when he'd by himself, but that doesn't mean it doesn't tear him up on the inside. as for what he truly struggles with, its guilt. he feels guilt for being born, for being alive, for every terrible thing he thinks he's done and not so much for the atrocities he actually has committed to be totally honest

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self?

looook there is nothing wrong with casual sex as a concept. but that is his main and most destructive vice he will throw himself into frankly unsafe dynamics and situations and convince himself it's fine as a means to an end because he doesn't have any other outlet available to him. it degrades his already fucked sense of self and worth he's just a thing to be used convincing himself he's okay with being wanted or needed at least in this capacity

CRYYYYYING olya ur literally the kindest ever 🥺 ilysm... i worry that i ramble on too much im glad at least someone is enjoying my terminal brainrot about my own characters sgdjdgdksk thank you sm!! i am having a decent day its a lil unproductive but since im on uni break thats ok i think... mwah i hope u have a wonderful day too 💞

[spaececase]

...

[its-afucking-mess]

you're the only thing i think i got right (i'd never give you away) - Ethan Torchio x reader- a birthday gift for allie <3

@writingmaneskin is officially a year older and i want to give this as a present <3 i love u so so much beloved, i hope u like this one

its a small fluffy thing with married eth n reader (havinf kids is mentioned) idk my thought process was just 'hm. yes' when i wrote and i didnt question how the plot came to be really

(no tags because ive forgotten my taglist entirely 💀 im sorry)

title from 5sos' "Lover of Mine"

______________

Your key turned in the lock and you took a deep breath. It has been a long day and you were tired and aching and just wanted to get five minutes peace. You braced yourself for the inevitable onslaught of questions from the children as soon as the door opened. Nothing. It was quiet.

“Honey?” you called out as you put your bag down on the table and hung your coat up.

You heard the bedroom door open and out walked Ethan. He smiled at you with that easy charm that had attracted you to him in the first place.

“Good afternoon, love,” he greeted you, placing a kiss on your cheek.

“I can’t help but notice how quiet it is…” You trailed off as you saw the guilty look on his face. “Oh, Ethan. What have you – “

“Nothing!” He answered quickly. He looked at the confusion on your face. “Look… I know I’ve not been exactly attentive lately. I know work’s not been easy for you. Me being away on shows… It puts a lot of pressure on you where the kids are involved.”

Your eyes teared up as the guilt you felt threatened to spill out.

“Hey! It’s ok! Oh, my love. Come here.” Ethan gathered you into his strong arms. The tears you’d been holding in began to spill from your tired eyes and he held you tighter still.

“I’m… I’m sorry, Ethan. I don’t know… I didn’t realise…” You pulled away, wringing your hands.

Ethan led you to the sofa by your arm and sat you down.

“Listen, the kids are with my mum. They are staying for the night. They couldn’t wait to go play with their aunties.” He explained. “Tonight, my love. Tonight, is about you.”

You glanced up at him through tear-soaked lashes. Your heart sank. Oh, you loved your husband – who wouldn’t. He was absolutely beautiful. He oozed charm from every pore, and he was so talented. You’d be a fool to turn down an evening with him… But you had heard these lines before from past partners. You were just so tired, and everything hurt. Yes, your sex life was amazing… but it just wasn’t what you were up for right now.

“Ethan…” you began quietly. “I… I’m just so tired and… I don’t… don’t…” You started sobbing again. You covered your face with your hands.

You felt him shift closer to you on the sofa. He pulled you to lay your head against his chest. He smelt so good – like your safe space. You sobbed quietly against his blue brushed cotton shirt. You felt his hand smoothing down your unruly hair.

“Honey, I don’t think you understood what I meant. Tonight, is about you. Let me look after you.”

You sniffled and looked up at his worried face.

“I know you’ve been struggling, love. I appreciate all you do for the kids and I and I wanted to show you by having an evening just for you. I thought some chill out activities and a takeaway of your choice?” He looked so anxious that you felt your heart swell.

“For me? I don’t know what I want to do. But a takeaway does sound good. Oh! Could we try that new Indian place that just opened? I thought it sounded lovely but… well, you know how fussy the kids can be.” You smiled up at him hopefully.

“My darling, anything for you. Which reminds me!” He moved from underneath you and stood up, rubbing his hands together gleefully. You smiled. He was so expressive with his hands. You could often tell his moods by the way he handled them.

“Am I allowed to… Hey!” You laughed as he pulled you up from the sofa and embraced you. You tipped your head up to look at him and closed your eyes as he brought his face down to yours. Your lips met softly, and he kissed you gently. The intensity behind the kiss made you feel dizzy.

“Come on,” he whispered, taking your hand and walking you towards the bedroom. He sensed your hesitation and smiled coyly. “No, it’s nothing like that. Come on.”

You let him lead you down the hallway and he stopped in front of the door.

“Close your eyes,” he urged. You did as he asked, and he began to pull you into the room you shared.

“Okay… open!” he commanded.

As you opened your eyes, you gasped. Turning your head, you gazed stunned at the room. Candles adorned the surfaces and there was a gentle smell of flowers. The bedding had been changed to soft Egyptian cotton in a blush colour.

He waited anxiously for your reaction.

“Ethan… Did you do all this for me?” You smiled softly at him, and you saw his face open into a wide grin.

“You deserve to feel calm and relaxed. I hoped this would help. But it isn’t all!” He was so excited that it was contagious.

“What else could there possibly be?” You giggled.

“Ok, so…” He led you through the ensuite door into the bathroom.

You gasped as you looked around the room. More candles were placed around the bath and the water was full of a beautiful, scented oil and flower petals.

“Oh, Ethan!” you exclaimed as you moved to embrace him. “You did all this for me? Are you planning to join me?” You wiggled your eyebrows suggestively.

He laughed. “No, darling. This is for you. Now go get yourself ready whilst I top up the warm water for you.”

You went back into the bedroom and started to remove your clothing. As you took your work clothes and placed them in the laundry hamper, you smiled again at Ethan’s thoughtfulness. It had been some time since you had spent time alone together. It seemed selfish when he was home from travelling to spend one on one time as you know how much the kids missed their dad when he was away.

“Honey, are you ready?” he called from the other room.

“Coming now, sweetheart!” You replied. You decided to dispense of the robe you’d usually wear into the bathroom.

His face lit up as he saw you enter the room naked.

“You… You never fail to astound me with your beauty, my love.” He stammered.

“You old romantic, you” You teased as you sank into the warm water. You moaned as it heated your aching muscles.

“Well… That’s a welcome sound.” Ethan said, grinning. “But plenty of time for that another time!”

You looked at him in confusion. You’d decided that you couldn’t resist him for too long. He was trying so hard, and you really were starting to feel better.

“Now, you just lie there and let the oils and warmth do their job. I have brought something in that I think you’ll appreciate.” He said as he reached behind the towel rack. He pulled out an old, battered copy of your favourite book. He smiled as he saw the look of wonder on your face.

“I know you haven’t had much time to read in recent months with how busy life has gotten. I know that this is your favourite book… Like the ragged edges wouldn’t have given it away!” He chuckled.

“Thank you, Ethan. Really. This is lovely. If you could pass me the towel, I’ll dry my…”

“No.” he interjected. “You are going to lay right there and relax. Let me read it to you, my love. I recall you said that you loved the tone of my voice when we first got together.. So, please, allow me to transport you away whilst you rest.”

“That would be lovely,” you smiled at him.

You closed your eyes and settled into the water as you listened to Ethan transport you away to a world you knew so well. One you’d visited millions of times and you just can’t tear yourself away from. Ethan’s voice only served to immerse yourself deeper into that world.

“Darling…” Ethan’s voice roused you from your happy place. “I worry the water will be getting too cold for you if you stay in there much longer.”

“Yes,” you murmured, coming round from the fantasy realm inside your brain.

“Now,” he said, grabbing the shower head. “Let me help you wash yor hair, hm?”

He turned the shower head on and waited till it was an ambient temperature.

“Is this ok for you?” He asked. You moved your hand under it.

“Just right” you winked at him.

“Then let me, hopefully, make you feel salon good” He laughed.

He set to work on wetting your hair thoroughly as you closed your eyes. He picked up your favourite shampoo and squirted some into the palm of his hand. You inhaled as he began to lather it into your hair. It’s comforting scent filled your senses. The feeling of Ethan’s nimble fingers running the length of your hair and back, massaging your scalp gently, caused you to moan quietly.

“Later, my love” Ethan whispered in your ear, continuing with his administrations to your hair. He gently began to rinse out the lather, holding the showerhead with one hand and running his fingers through your wet locs with the other to ensure the shampoo was all gone.

“First part done… Now for the conditioner.” He said to himself. You knew he was enjoying himself as you could hear the admiration for a job well done in his voice. It made you smile.

He ran his fingers through your wet hair starting from the bottom and working his way up.

He set about rinsing the conditioner from your hair and you smiled to yourself. Ethan was acting adorable tonight. He reminded you of when you’d first met all those years ago… Before life got in the way. Before marriage. Before kids.

“Love?” he asked, rousing you from your thoughts. “Ready to get out?”

You began to stand, and Ethan helped you as you stood upright.

“Your foot, my love?” he asked as he held the towel. He gently dried your foot and up you leg. It felt good. “And the other?” He repeated. You stepped out the bath onto the mat on the bathroom tiles.

Ethan enveloped you inside the soft fluffy towel and kissed your forehead. You felt your legs go from under you as he scooped you easily into your arms and you giggled, gently smacking his toned chest.

“Ethan! I can walk!”

“You can, love, but why should you have to?” He grinned at you.

He carried you into the bedroom and set you down gently on the bed. You pulled him down onto you by his shirt collar and kissed his gently. Your lips began to press against his with an urgency and he pulled away slightly.

“Not yet, my love” he sighed, breathlessly. “I have another surprise for you.”

You raised yourself up on your elbows and arched an eyebrow at him.

“Ethan Torchio… What are you up to?” You asked him suspiciously. He rarely turned down your advances. And just how often was it you were child free to enjoy it?

“On your front, darling.” He directed. “You’ll appreciate this. I hope so anyway.”

He knelt next to you on the bed and reached for a bottle off the bedside table. You turned your head towards him confused but intrigued. He rubbed the substance between his hands and the smell of oranges and… something you didn’t quite recognise… filled the room.

His hands touched your shoulders, and he began to knead the sore muscles.

“Ethan… oh… oh that feels… oh” You sighed contentedly.

“Just relax, darling. Enjoy the sensations.” He whispered as he leant in close to your ear. You shivered slightly at his breath on your sensitive neck.

He expertly kneaded and works on the knots and stiff muscles and continued down the rest of your back. It felt so good, and you could even remember when you last felt so relaxed.

“Turn around,”

You did as he said, and he began to work his way down your front. He skimmed past you hips and began to massage your legs. It felt good but you couldn’t help the small whine that escaped your lips.

“We’ve been through this, darling.” He said, voice struggling slightly as he controlled himself. “Not yet.”

He massaged your thighs and your calves and began to work on your feet. You groaned as he rubbed the sore arch of your left foot. He was so gentle and soft, yet the pressure was perfect for making the tendon relax.

“Ethan, you are so good at this. I…”

“I got lessons in Atlanta. I have planned this for quite some time, darling. I wanted it to be perfect.” He interjected.

You pulled yourself up onto your elbows so you could see him.

“Ethan, sweetheart, I didn’t need all of this. I love you. I know I can be grumpy sometimes but… Life is hectic, and I don’t always feel like the woman you married. I worry you won’t want me anymore.”

Ethan looked up from your foot with such concern in his eyes.

“Darling, of course I still want you! Why wouldn’t I? You had me from that very first meeting. I’ve told you this many times. You made me the happiest man alive when you agreed to be my wife. And you have never looked more beautiful than when you gave birth to our children. You gave me a family. Us a family. You have supported my career and never complained when I’ve had to go away for touring or press interviews or…anything”

You reached for his hands and squeezed gently.

“I love you, Ethan. I always have. I always will.” You kissed his nose and laughed as he wrinkled it adorably. “So… what’s next then?”

At that exact moment, your stomach grumbled.

Ethan threw back his head with a laugh. He handed you a bag from beside the bed. You peered in and saw the most beautiful silken camisole top and shorts in a beautiful shade of baby blue.

“Oh Ethan!” you gushed pulling them out of the bag. “They’re beautiful!”

“Not as beautiful as you, my love.” He said, standing up. “Now put them on and I’ll meet you in the living room where we will order something to eat – your choice.”

He strolled out the room with you gazing lovingly after him.

You moved slowly and pulled on the pyjama set. It fitted perfectly and hugged to your curves in just the right way. You threw your damp hair up in a bun. You stretched slowly and lazily. You padded softly to the living room to find Ethan on the sofa. He had made you both a cup of herbal tea and had your favourite blanket ready for you to curl up in next to him.

Sitting next to him, you picked up one of the menus he had placed upon the coffee table.

“Definitely this one, please” you passed it to him eagerly.

“Indian it is, my love.”

He rang the order through and sat back against the sofa. You curled into his side, and he wrapped the blanket over your legs and placed his arm around your shoulder.

“Ethan…” you began.

“Yes, my love?” he answered.

“Can we watch The Princess Bride?” You looked at him with pleading eyes.

His eyes crinkled around the edges as he smiled back at you.

“As you wish.”

Your heart swelled as he went to put the DVD on, and you settled down together. You really were feeling so much better and maybe this was just the thing you had needed.

The doorbell went and you paused the film as Ethan went to answer the door and pay for the delivery. You went to the kitchen and found plates for you both and some cutlery. You were sorting out some glasses of water when Ethan brought the food through to plate up.

Once you had shared out the food between you, you both went and settled on the sofa and started the film again. You watched and chatted whilst you ate. The food was delicious. Soon, you were too full to eat anything else and the film had finished.

“Ethan, do you want to pick a film?” You asked. Seeing the look on his face as he went to answer, you followed with “I insist”.

“Ok.” He nodded. “I choose…” He looked at the DVD shelves and paused dramatically. “I choose Withering Heights!”

You grinned up at him. His eyes sparkled as he knew you wouldn’t argue with his choice.

“Perfect choice, sweetheart.” You answered.

The DVD started and Ethan and you settled on the sofa. You curled into his side with your head on his lap and your blanket wrapped around you. He absentmindedly stroked your hair and you sighed contentedly.

Next thing you remembered, you felt weightless. You opened your eyes confused and realised your husband was carrying you to bed.

“Oh, Ethan! I’m so sorry!” you cried softly as you realised you must have fallen asleep.

He kissed your forehead gently.

“Do not apologise for needing rest. This is exactly what I wanted for you. I want you to be able to relax and recuperate.” He countered.

He laid you on the bed and pulled the bedding down. You crawled onto your side, and he pulled the sheets up over you. He undressed as you watched him.

“I feel like I’m being watched,” he laughed. “Good job for you… I like it.”

He slid into the bed behind you, and you scooted back to lie against him. His arms held you tightly from behind and he kissed your neck softly.

“Goodnight, my love. I love you so very much and I’m glad I could show you this evening how appreciated you are.” He whispered into your ear.

“I love you, Ethan.” You replied sleepily.

You drifted off to sleep feeling relaxed and calm, safe in the arms of the man you loved. At that moment, everything was perfect.

Note: i hope this didnt get your hopes high about me returning to this account, i just thought it was better to post it here considering people might enjoy this. stay safe, loveyall

[queernuck]

The Cleveland Browns made the playoffs. The Islanders made the Eastern Conference Finals.

And that’s enough for me.

So long, so long I have been living like this, pretending that I want to keep on living, that life feels worthwhile, that I don’t want to kill myself. Suicide is for cowards but ive been chickening out for a whole decade, to the point where getting on the subway was itself something that involved convincing myself not to jump in front of it. I remember once while working in the city, I watched and waited as two trains came in and left, trying to get the energy to jump in front of them. I had decided, if I couldn’t do it by the time a second train came and went, I would go to work and save it for another day. I came very close, my legs tense like a linebacker on 4th & Goal, but I didn’t do it. Maybe it would be better if I had, I would have saved not only myself but a lot of other people a lot of pain and suffering. I’ve been dealing with feeling suicidal for a decade, an entire ten years, and made it through. And for what? I lost a retail job at minimum wage, I’ve seen the Giants go from two-time Super Bowl kingslayers to a team that relied on the Eagles for a playoff berth, I got to see Evangelion only for the final Rebuild film to be infinitely delayed, I have a useless non-degree that allows me to eloquently describe how the Democrats and Republicans alike are driving this stolen land to Fascism while sycophants tell me Vote Blue No Matter Who. I’m so tired, I’m not even the person people think me to be, since if I were, I wouldn’t be in this mess.

My paychecks, as hard-earned as they were, never seemed to be mine in any real sense, and it made me so frustrated that something in me broke at the beginning of this year. I made some mistakes, some very stupid ones, and got myself fired. I took money from and distorted the inventory of my store to get what amounted to pocket money, less than two paychecks. I was tempted because I feel so powerless, so much like nothing I could ever say or do matters, and so I decided to lash out against a place that mattered to me, against people I cared about deeply. Chain stores, corporations, all of those things are not really high on my list of things to care about. Barnes & Noble pushed out local booksellers years ago, an irony not lost on me whenever our own competition with Amazon was made apparent. We were reaping what we had sown. But what always interested on top of this irony was how symbolic these things could be to people, how much we figured into so may memories for so many. The Manga Aisle at Barnes & Noble is a staple of 2006 scene culture, a way that kids without the pocket money to afford the newest volume of Bleach it Naruto could keep up before scams became widely available. How the store was a place where people studying for standardized tests could use the test prep guides to try and get ready for the eugenic ritual of the standardized test. And just how much a chain bookstore became a substitute, socially, for the now-absent local bookstore. We bear the guilt for that, but at the same time we were still selling books, giving people a place to get coffee and sit and read and talk, in ways that libraries may not be able to. We certainly can never replace a library, given just what a library does for people. But we did do a lot of good all the same. Before it closed, some of my fondest memories came when I was the exact sort of annoying teenage customer I grew to hate, hanging out at the Columbus Circle Borders. Working at Barnes & Noble was tiring, dehumanizing, difficult, made me feel like I would never measure up to the authors we sold, the people books were written about, that I was a failure. And I am, as my death shows. But it also made me a part of something I was proud of. And that Above & Beyond pin I earned is in my jacket still, a reminder of something.

That something was shown in so many of the coworkers I had, who were incredible in so many ways. I feel awful for what I did, I genuinely do, because of how it may have hurt people who thought so kindly of me, people who deserve so much good. I wish I had the ability to address each of them individually but this decision was hastily made, and i have a feeling it will show in the things I miss in this note. Audra, your help in finding me a way to use the company policies to my advantage as a worker was something that gave me faith even after having seen the despicable firings and cuts the company went through. Linda, I can’t quite square the circle here given my actions, but I want to say your disappointment broke my heart and that while I will not be the one who shows it, your reassurance that everyone makes mistakes was welcome.

To my (former) fellow booksellers at Store 2216, all of my love and my sincerest apologies. You all have so much good in you, your willingness to listen to my ADHD-fueled rants and to discuss so many things with an incredible frankness was always impressive, in addition to part of what I loved about all of you. I want you all to be happy, and the kinship I felt with you was a vital part of what kept me going. It was tough, as you all know. But at times, it almost felt worth it.

The same is true of my CTY friends: it was a weird, magical place that frankly, a lot of us idealized for far too long and which sk many of us eventually outgrew without being able to let go of. And that was tough, that was something we had a great deal of difficulty understanding, that what helped us once was not always going to be helping us, was not always what we needed. But in eventually finding that, we found solace, we realized how life as a whole functions and just what it is that we can take from places like it.

To my other family, my Cleo family, I know I haven’t been terribly active lately, but I can never, ever thank you enough for the belonging you gave me. I have never felt anywhere as welcoming as Cleo. As warm as Cleo (even as we struggled to pay for the oil bill) was. As kind and understanding. As tolerant. As questioning and inquisitive into what that tolerance meant to us. I am thankful, eternally, for what you all did for me. The incredible experiences I had as a Cleo make me proud of what the organization can represent, and one of my dying wishes is that the organization continues to reach out to marginalized communities on Trinity’s campus. There is much work to be done in making sure abusers cannot hide in our family, but I trust you all to do that work. Tucker Carlson is a Trinity grad and we must embody the opposite of what he stands for, no matter how difficult it may be. I could go on about how this means opposing liberals and Liberalism/Neo—Liberalism due to the truth of tolerance resulting in a Popper-esque Paradox of Tolerance that implies Popper is a worthwhile philosopher, but that’s another issue.

To my friends on that Blue Hellsite, tumblr, you made a continual presence worth it, even with all of the bullshit this place brings. It’s the reason I read so much Foucault, Derrida, Deleuze & Guattari, read Žižek against himself, and so on and so on, and the value of that to me can never be overstated. I learned so much from the ways in which I learned to analyze the world, and that in turn became a huge inspiration for why I should try to do what I could to make the world closer to a place of revolution, one where we could perhaps eke out a living for one another. I loved how much I could be an unrepentant nerd and still love hockey on there, and while the

NHL fans on tumblr are incredibly annoying,

I can deal with that compared to the racism of most hockey fans.

Mom, Dad? I just couldn’t live with you any longer. I’m so sorry.

Grandma, I love you.

And the things I leave behind? Donate what can be donated. Hats, please auction, or at least offer to other HatHeads at a reasonable price. I had some nice ones. As for assorted albums, clothing, and other things, sell them and donate to a Harm Reduction organization, or organizations that advocate for PWUD in a radical fashion. WE DESERVE AUTONOMY!

I am a victim of the War on Drugs. Sobriety was always hellish to me, and I could never take it. I want people to be able to live how they want, to see sobriety and being on drugs as equally valuable states, to see the two as no different from one another.

Abolish all gun laws

End the War on Terror

Decriminalize and legalize all drugs, sobriety is what killed me.

I love all of you.

LET’S GO ISLANDERS!

[otptings]

Spa Day

✏︎Idols: Zhong Chenle & Park Jisung

✏︎Requested: yessss by my fav Heyyy ive just been feeling really lonely lately so could you just write something about jisung and chenle just wanting to cuddle and watch a movie with the reader cause it’s been a really stressful week so they just want a self care day with the reader like face masks and the reader makes them food her dad used to make her when she was little ( coxinha ) and they eat the food while watching a scary movie hopefully I’m not making you too busy haha thanks in advance

✏︎Genre: Fluff, Bestfriend!Chenji

✏︎Word Count: 1k+

✏︎Warnings: None

✏︎Synopsis: Your best friends deserve more credit then you give them, especially when they force you to take a well deserve spa day.

✏︎A/n: Cute shit, was mainly written without a script. Correction, attempted to write the script but ended up writing over half of it instead in one go. It's short but I really didn't want to overwhelm this fluff. It's really cute, and I love it so much, I just love Chenle and Jisung's friendship, so writing them extend that friendship was incredibly cute 🥺if you liked this please reblog, like, or donate to my Ko-Fi in my bio. If you liked this requests are open for NCT, SVT, Treasure, and Enhypen (few slots open).

“Why are you two always dragging me around?”

Jisung and Chenle ignored your whining as they forced you to sit on your couch. You were trying to work but the boys walked into your apartment - kinda regret giving them the emergency key - and dragged you away from your desk. Jisung saved your work but then proceeded to place your laptop on a shelf that only he could reach unassisted, sealing your fate of not being able to work.

“Don’t move.” Jisung ran off somewhere down the hall while Chenle watched you over, presumably to make sure you didn’t move.

“What if I want to?” Chenle only stared at you with dead eyes and you quickly smiled, ignoring the fact that you felt kinda threatened. “Nevermind.” Mumbling you grabbed one of your decorative pillows, playing with the tassels while Chenle sat on his phone.

“FOUND IT!” You both jumped at Jisung’s yelling, confusion setting in at what he could’ve found. Your question was answered two minutes later when Jisung turned the corner, three fluffy spa headbands in one hand and three of your paper face masks in the other, a bright smile on his face at his find.

“Why were you looking for them?” Chenle snatched your phone from your hand, placing it in his backpack before you were even able to complain. “Hey! Why do y’all keep taking my stuff?”

“We’re having a spa day.” You were sure you weren’t good at hiding your expression if the way Jisung’s face went red had anything to do with it. “You’ve been working a lot. We haven’t been able to hang out often.”

Your face softened at that realization. One look at Chenle and you saw that the feeling was mutual.

“We miss you. We’re idols with busy schedules, but you’ve been so occupied that we haven’t even been able to see you. You don’t join us on the game, join our face times, and you barely respond. Plus you look skinnier as if you haven’t been eating, and I know you haven’t been sleeping properly.” Guilt flooded you at Chenle’s concerned expression. You hadn’t realized they noticed your disappearance that badly, just assumed that since they were in the middle of a comeback it would be swept under the rug.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Now we’re here to take care of you.” You hadn't realized Jisung had crossed the room until he placed a hand on your shoulder. Sighing you nuzzled your cheek into his forearm.

“Thank you.” Chenle visibly grimaced at the sweetness, instead grabbing the masks from Jisung.

“Yea, yea. Let’s just get this over with.” It took ten minutes for the three of you to stop arguing over who got which masks - Jisung was determined to get the mask with the puppy on it, Chenle said he had Daegal so he deserved the puppy mask - and actually properly place them on the two. Chenle won the argument, much to Jisung’s displeasure so he got the puppy mask while Jisung was stuck with the panda mask. It didn’t matter because by the time all three of you had your masks on - you were graced with the bunny mask - you were giggling so hard at how funny you looked that they barely stayed on. Since none of you had your phones on you, you were doomed to just make fun of eachother until the masks dried and you had to peel them off of your face.

The doorbell rang as you threw the masks away. Jisung practically pushed you out of the way to answer it, “Go pick out a movie with Chenle.” Ignoring his strange behavior you decided to follow his advice, heading back to the living room and plopping down on the couch. To your surprise Chenle picked the movie you suggested, a movie that all three of you had watched on one too many occasions. It wasn’t until you were both on the couch, covered with one of your fluffy blankets that you realized Jisung still wasn’t back.

“What is he doing?” Chenle only shrugged, pausing the movie before nearly deafening you as he screamed for Jisung.

“Wait. You’re so impatient.” Jisung mumbled while he walked back into the living room, holding a tray covered with snacks. The center of the tray however held something you didn’t even know they were aware of.

“Where’d you get this?” As Jisung placed the tray on the coffee table you leaned closer, making sure that you were seeing it right. Coxinha. How did they even know about it? You’d mentioned it in passing months ago while talking about your dad when you were home sick. You didn’t even think that they’d remember it, but here they were, set up nicely on one of your plates.

“I found a place that makes them specially. Though you’d like them?”

“You’d talked about them before, and you’ve been so down lately so we ordered some.”

“Do you like them?” Glancing between the boys, both who looked nervous you couldn’t but burst into tears. If your heart wasn’t so filled with love for your best friend you would’ve laughed at their panicking, Chenle placing blame on Jisung, who struggled to pull out tissues to gently wipe away your tears.

“I love them.” Both of them let out a sigh, glad that they didn’t mess up the day specially meant for you.

“Why are you crying?” Chenle smacked Jisung, starting up another argument between them. Shaking your head you pulled both of them into a hug.

“I love you guys.” If you looked up at that moment, you would’ve seen the great, unmovable Chenle’s face go bright red as he was left speechless. Jisung was no better, but he was easy to fluster. Both of the boys awkwardly wrapped their arms around you until your cries were only sniffles. When you looked back up with swollen eyes, and tear tracks staining your cheeks both of them felt the same warmth fill their hearts, grateful that they were able to make you happy.

“Love you too.” Chenle halfheartedly muttered, before playfully pushing you away from him. The three of you spent the night curled up on the couch, watching cheesy comedy movies, and eating all of the snacks they brought. Your heart stayed full, warmth flooding your body as you thought of how grateful you were to have the most thoughtful best friends in your life.

[taketheringtolohac]

i’ve been working on the most self indulgent au for about a week now and I thought i’d share my thoughts. now presenting... my ace attorney blaseball au! including teams, positions, modifications and more about all the ace attorney characters i could think of and how they would play blaseball. you can also find it on ao3 here, but ive included all the information i have below the cut!

Blase Attorney (Blaseball Ace Attorney AU)

Phoenix- 

Team: Yellowstone Magic

Position: Batter

Modifications: Seeker

Details: one of the first replacements in the game, he was originally just a blaseball fan who was following around miles edgeworth his childhood friend to his games (disguised as him going to see Larry play) and sort of wished that he could play so he could get closer to miles and is at a magic/steaks game that miles is pitching when someone gets incinerated and suddenly he’s on the field in a jersey with a glove and that really messes him up, he's a pretty good player not a star player but definitely a solid one, gets the seeker mod in the season 19 tarot reading

Notable Forbidden Knowledge:  REALLY high martyrdom

Maya

Team: Yellowstone Magic

Position: Batter

Modifications: Haunted

Details: she replaced Mia when she was incinerated and isn’t a season 1 player but has been here so long that it FEELS like she is, isn’t great at the game and has like really bad forbidden knowledge stats but she occasionally hits a surprise dinger and the fans love her so they infuse her and she becomes a serviceable batter, is constantly filled with guilt and emotions about being the person who replaced her sister she gets the haunted mod in an election

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: high base thirst, really good divinity that only gets better after her infuse

Edgeworth- 

Team: Dallas Steaks

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: None

Details: season one player who didn’t really want to join blaseball but he took it in stride and he wasn’t very good at first but he got a blessing that MADE him good and he’s miraculously been on the team the whole time, originally placed in good league because Fran was in Evil and von Karma wanted them to dominate the game and become the best in their respective leagues, still one of the best players in the game, his dad still dies somehow, refuses to “buy into” the dad bit from the steaks and insists that he was just placed here

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: EXCEPTIONAL ruthlessness (one of the highest in the game), good other stats as well, just a really solid PITCHING statline, his other stuff isn’t good

Franziska- 

Team: Hades Tigers

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: Friend of Crows

Details: season one player who fans LOVE even though she hates everything about the game and the circumstances in which she’s here, she’s a naturally good player but she lets up a lot of home runs, she receives the friend of crows modifier in season 10 much to her dismay, ALMOST pitched a perfect season and then absolutely RUINED it in the last game and it crushed her

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: higher highs than miles but also lower lows, in particular her overpowerment isn’t very good, she is also a more well rounded player and would also be a fine batter (solid thwack)

Gumshoe-

Team: Originally on the LA Unlimited Tacos, then feedbacked to the San Fransisco Lovers

Position: Batter

Modifications: Siphon, Attractor

Details: season one player that is beloved by the fans and he’s decent at the game but he always tries to steal bases but he is so bad at it, he’s the teams siphon but he NEVER drinks blood except to draw a walk, he ends up getting redacted because of consumer attacks and is probably one of the first to do so despite him having QUITE a bit of soul, he becomes Wyatt Gumshoe in the Wyatt Masoning

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: GREAT thwackability, bad everything else which makes for a really interesting player to say the least

Athena- 

Team: Miami Dale

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: None

Details: POWERFUL ARMS also she is a replacement player she probably becomes a replacement after Simon does and she got into blaseball because of that cute flowers pitcher and now she’s here but she LOVES Miami and she LOVES being bad at the game, she leans really hard into the neon aesthetic

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: good unthwackability and ok ruthlessness, shakespeareanism is her highest stat, would also be a great batter and has really good thwackability and divinity, GREAT vibes

Apollo- 

Team: Mexico City Wild Wings

Position: Batter

Modifications: None

Details: founding member of the wings legal team who’s another replacement player that FEELS like he’s a season 1 player, he isn’t very good in general but REALLY good for the wings and is probably the mvp at some point but like he’s a really inconsistent hitter but when he DOES hit its POWERFUL and he gets a lot of RBI’s 

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: SHOCKINGLY good musclitude and ground friction, GOD awful moxie

Larry- 

Team: Dallas Steaks

Position: Batter

Modifications: None

Details: season one player who is like the teams designated player we beat up on because they’re awful but we love them, gets shadowed in the expansion era because he just wasn’t good anymore and he REFUSED to leave, he is the definition of “YOU CANT KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS,” would always party but his forbidden knowledge is TRASH so it was never worth anything because he’s top ten in the league for career strikeouts

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: REALLY HIGH PATHETICISM HOLY SHIT but good ground friction and like, ok musclitude

Ema- 

Team: Kansas City Breath Mints

Position: Batter

Modifications: Fire Eater

Details: replaced the first player incinerated on the team so she has a lot of fans because she’s been here a while but like also her career is forever impacted by the fact that people mourned so deeply before really appreciating her and a lot of fans can never really love her in the same way, but she has fire eater now and WILL cut a bitch down to size, she’s also definitely been attacked by consumers though, she also parties a LOT

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: good defender, high omniscience and tenaciousness

Lang- 

Team: Houston Spies

Position: Batter

Modifications: Maximalist, Siphon

Details: replaced a SUPER popular player who was REALLY good at the game and struggled with a lot of the implications of their legacy but he ALSO became really good and a really iconic player to the team and eventually became a fan favorite, LITERALLY cannot stop freaking drinking blood hes so fucking massive now holy shit but like only his baserunning

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: PHENOMENAL baserunning just in general but his base thirst is low so he doesn’t actually steal that much, SUPER high moxie and musclitude

Kristoph-

Team: Baltimore Crabs

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: Returned, Debt

Details: season 1 player who was a really aggressively middling player who had deceptively high stars and they could never get rid of him until he finally got incinerated in late season 6/early season 7 but he gets necromancy-d on accident and no one wanted this now he just haunts the league, he joined blaseball to get notoriety and some level of fame and convinced Klavier to join him

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: high coldness and ok ruthlessness, unthwackability is fine, shakespeareanism is also good

Klavier- 

Team: Originally on the Crabs, but feedbacked to the Seattle Garages

Position: Batter

Modifications: Spicy

Details: he signed up when Kristoph did. because he said that this would be something good to do as brothers and they even signed to the same team, carcinization really freaked him out but he was a season 1 crab and no one knew what would happen, he Feedbacked in like season 6 and kris got incinerated really shortly after he feedbacked which messed him up, he loves the garages vibes WAY more than he liked the crabs

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: high moxie and indulgence

Kay- 

Team: Charleston Shoe Thieves

Position: Batter

Modifications: Flippers

Details: shoe thieves, batter, she was originally a shadows player and just sat there doing great thief things until she got called up for having very sneaky good stats (rod.net style) where she singles a lot and then just steals her way to third/home, voted to trust her in season 11 and now she has cool flippers

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: really high basethirst and laserlikeness, also very high anticapitalism, good thwack subpar musclitude

Sebastian- 

Team: New York Millennials, possible feedback to the Thieves?

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: None

Details: his dad was a famous blaseball player before the ILB so he signed him up to play and didn’t get on the roster until maybe like season 9, really dramatic arc where he starts out really bad but slowly through incremental stat increases becomes pretty ok but then has a devastating allergic reaction and ends up having to be shadowed because he’s just unsaveable at this point, but still a big fan fave and people still talk about them, he would’ve been a pretty ok batter with really high defense but peanut destroyed that too

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: high highs and low lows and vibes are just… there

Juniper-

Team: Boston Flowers

Position: Originally a batter, but reverbs into Pitching

Modifications: None

Details: season 1 player who is really popular amongst the fans but isn’t well known outside of the fanbase she joined blaseball because she didn’t really have a choice and she was just working at the garden, she wasn’t a great batter but she’s a shockingly good pitcher, she had partied so much that she is now just undeniably good solely because she has partied THAT much

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: SHOCKINGLY good ruthlessness, its her only good stat though until parties make her good

Simon- 

Team: Chicago Firefighters

Position: Batter

Modifications: Ego+

Details: another late season replacement that was made to be a edgelord with really good stat set up and he’s a super consistent batter who just also gets walked a lot and has a LOT of thirsty fans, REALLY good at dunking, one of the best idols for solo seeds but ONLY for a SINGLE season because he just underperforms his stars for NO reason and its infuriating, joined because he didn’t want athena to get recruited but she followed him anyways to find out what the hell happened to him and why he just vanished

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: HIGH musc/thwack/martyr with really low patheticism, absolutely ATROCIOUS vibes

Godot- 

Team: Hellmouth Sunbeams, roams to the Tokyo Lift and then to the Canada Moist Talkers

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: Roamin’

Details: a season 1 player who would be a MUCH better batter but REFUSES to leave the rotation with deceptively high stars and one of the first players to get roamin’ and actually becomes good because of it infuriating LITERALLY everyone

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: have you seen bright zim? Yeah its just that. He has sixteen fingers for no reason

Trucy- 

Team: Originally a Philadelphia Pies player, but feedbacks to the Yellowstone Magic

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: None

Details: Phoenix becomes her dad after she feedbacks, later season replacement probably surrounding the s7 instabilities and beanings and she got REALLY popular REALLY fast with the pies fans and over siesta but then she gets traded like the Monday after and it breaks the fans hearts, she’s not very good but she gets alternated into BEING good

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: moxie queen! Also chasiness and continuation, as well as good musclitude and vibes

Nahyuta-

Team: Originally on the Beams, but feedbacks to the Hawai’i Fridays

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: Attractor

Details: expansion era player who replaced an absolutely GARBAGE player so the fans are DELIGHTED by him, lets up a lot of walks but has shockingly pitched a no hitter despite only being here since season 13, was infused because of his good forbidden knowledge stats, still gets faxed out of the game because he has games where he just lets up a RIDICULOUS amount of runs, actually fit in really well with the Fridays, was observed (by Kristoph?) and then got redacted 

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: uncle plasma… 2! Also REALLY big vibes range

Justine Courtney-

Team: New York Millennials, traded to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands

Position: Pitcher

Modifications: None

Details: joined the team before Sebastian probably around season 5, was pretty average at pitching but ate a peanut and had a yummy reaction which made her slightly above average but subpar ruthlessness made her still not great, traded away to the Jazz Hands after Sebastian was shadowed, really polarizing for fans there was a lot of fighting about whether or not to trade her from fans

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: ok ruthlessness

Mia-

Team: Yellowstone Magic

Position: Batter

Modifications: None

Details: was the season 1 stand out batter for the magic, she was a REALLY good season 1 player that fans STILL talk about even though she’s been dead since season 3, she was the person who was standing next to Phoenix when he appeared on the field and caught the ball that was flying towards him before it hit him in the face and she took it upon himself to get him acclimated to the game, she thought of him as a kid brother, she tried to keep Maya away from blaseball but couldn’t stop her from watching on TV, she originally joined to get away from the Fey clan and to try and do something with her life and also possibly find out what happened to her mother and she was promised social power and unlimited access to information

Notable Forbidden Knowledge: really solid statline for someone who never saw any improvements

Phoenix and Miles get together around season 6, right before the Jaylen stuff, then break up because they were both having a lot of emotions about the whole necromancy business and Miles was always on the idol board and there was a lot of uncertainty in their lives. I think a necromancy of Kristoph probably happens in the Expansion Era and he tries to get revenge on Phoenix for god knows what, and Miles ends up getting close with him again after a whole Grand Siesta of just being really emotionally charged friends and finally get together AGAIN in season 13 after a consumer attacks Phoenix, but this time they STAY together and probably get married because they're just so scared of losing each other.

 Kay gets to fight god in season 9, no this probably wouldn't have been possible if she was a shadows player originally but uwu <3

Kay and Miles get to know each other because she tried to steal Miles shoes, but he caught her. He offered to make her dinner and they just had a good time, Kay hadn’t really been shown that kind of kindness in a WHILE and she... missed that sort of father figure in her life... so she just keeps trying to steal things from Miles and getting caught until he finally tells her that she can just... come over through the front door. He will never say that she is his daughter out loud, but the collective dadconcious Knows, and tells him that they are proud of him.

 Maya and Franziska are rivals. They hate each other. When Maya gets 0 no it only makes it worse because it "ruins" Franziska's perfection as a pitcher and forces her to throw balls. They get to know each other over these pitch offs and start to realize that they actually aren't that different. Gay rights. They kiss. They have a great time over the Grand Siesta and make fun of their brothers, but they both have emergency bags in case the other one dies.

 Dahlia Hawthrone would never get involved in Blaseball and everything she does is outside of the game but if she was she'd be on the Boston Flowers and she would be her team's Pudge. A god awful player who on occasion actually does something good and half the fans love her because of her character and half the fans hate her for the same reason and also she sucks at the game.

 Most of them also still have their law degrees and also keep some semblance of what they do in the actual ace attorney games, except Ema who has of course factually failed the bar exam by nature of being on The Breath Mints.

[lupinzapezit]

hello i thought it was probably time for a state of the blog update so,,, if you wanna know where ive been and whats happening read below (tw for mental health / s.uicide mentions)

if you do read, please like this post just for my own knowledge

okay so first of all i rly hate to be making this post because i absolutely hate being that person in the rpc who just constantly whines and guilt trips people over their own mental health without taking steps irl to work on it. im not gonna go into a lot of detail bc frankly its a lot and i dont super feel like it. (also i feel like its only kinda acceptable when the Big Blogs post a lot of ooc which i am definitely not, like my value is only tied to how much content i output but thats something im working on in my own time and not anyones fault persay)

basically i had a lot of shit happen at the end of 2019 that cause me to go into a very low period and while i was working on improving from that time, obviously the world had different plans plus last year was my final year of uni. i moved out in february this year in the hopes that it would continue to help me heal but along with the fallout of some other events, it’s left me incredibly alone and with a fraction of the support network i once had. june was extremely rough for me where i attempted twice and nearly didnt make it to my 21st birthday.

pretty much with working in customer service and australia being in and out of lockdown constantly (which makes my work much busier because people contact us when they cant go into stores), ive barely had any room to breathe or to try and work through things? and because writing is tied to my goal career of film and thats been difficult as well, you can probably guess why ive been struggling lately to be on tumblr and to write.

now dont get me wrong i adore my muses and being able to write. bucky has been an extremely fun and interesting character for me to explore. i literally never thought i’d end up writing a marvel muse and its caused a lot of hesitation due to how i approach him and feeling insecure. which is fine! thats natural! and ive been doing my best not to project those insecurities onto the dash and my partners but because of how poor my mental health is lately, that means ive just been very inactive. tumblr has always felt like a place where if you’re not constantly active then you lose people and while i know that’s not necessarily the case, it’s still a struggle. when i am here, it just feels like yelling into a void which is not a great motivator.

so what does this actually mean? tbh i’m still trying to figure that out. i made this blog initially with the intent of it being quite small and focused on character exploration n the like and i do still want to keep that goal. there’s a lot to bucky i still very much want to write and explore which i havent because of various reasons. i dont necessarily want to leave but i feel increasingly unsure about my presence which sucks because i have made some very good friends in the last year and a bit stint ive had on tumblr since leaving my old main rpc. i dont really want to give up this passion. 

for the time being, i’m probably still going to be low activity and my presence on the dash will be minimal. if that turns you off, feel free to soft block or unfollow. you can tailor your own experience the way you want. replies are probably going to be more queued and i wanna put a stronger emphasis on longer threads and character/dynamic development as i originally intended. again thats not everyone’s cup of tea so if you wanna leave then feel free. but atm i dont really feel connected to my partners and mutuals which sucks and i wanna improve on that. btw if you are reading this and youre down with this, message me and say hi!! i know that tumblr rp has developed this culture of not approaching people (and i struggle w this too) but the easiest way to plot with me is just to ask.

so yeah! tldr; brain extremely sucks, been feeling very disconnected and uncertain about my muse/writing capabilities/general self esteem, trying to work on that by taking things at my own pace and having bigger threads/metas more infrequently. i’ll still be more active on discord of course but hopefully these steps will help me feel a bit better about being here. 

thanks for reading all of this if you did, i really appreciate it :)

[xofanfics]

String - Part VI

Prologue | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

Genre: angst, fluff

Pairing: Baekhyun x Female Reader FT. SEHUN

Word Count: 2.8k

Summary: You find yourself in a friends-with-benefits situation with your best friend. You have no business falling for him, but your heart begs to differ.

Baekhyun hadn’t heard from you since that night. You hadn’t responded to his text and he had no idea whether you’d listened to his voicemail. And Evie and Sadie were no help either. They said that you’d approach him when you were ready but he was impatient. 

Guilt pulled at Baekhyun as if someone was tugging the bottom of his shirt. Even though he had started seeing Kira like he wanted, he still felt pretty guilty about it all. He hadn’t exactly done anything wrong but he knew that he fucked up, morally. It was fucked up to treat you like that, pulling you on a string until he decided what he wanted. You deserved better than that. And he was a hypocrite. He knew that much. 

He felt uncomfortable knowing how he left things with you and he wanted to talk to you. He didn’t know the things he needed to say and he wasn’t sure where to begin. All he knew is that he wanted to talk to you. Things probably wouldn’t go back to normal, even if he tried his absolute best. 

“Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun looked up from his plate. “Huh?”

“I said what are you thinking about?”

“Just about an old friend.”

Kira frowned. “Did something happen?”

He sighed. “I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

Kira didn’t press him about it and he was grateful. Guilt ate at him further as he realized that he wasn’t able to pay his own girlfriend the attention she deserved. His thoughts, somehow, would always shift toward you even in the presence of others.

She didn’t know what was bothering Baekhyun but it was bothering her. Lately, he seemed a little down. Things hadn’t changed too much but he always looked so...troubled. Kira wanted to make him feel better but she didn’t know where to begin. Did he even trust her enough to tell her what was going on in his life? Did he feel like he couldn’t be open with her? Was she not doing enough, as his girlfriend?

She reached across the table and grabbed his hand. She gave it a light squeeze because it was the only comfort she could give him.

*

You woke up and found yourself staring at the white ceiling as your phone’s alarm went off on the nightstand. You rolled over and shut off the blaring noise. As you sat up in bed, you let out a yawn. You got dressed and started getting ready for your 9AM shift at the waxing salon. The best part about being a receptionist was getting a discount on waxes and not having to do much. This job was a way to put extra money in your pocket and to study and do homework in between the small tasks you had to do to maintain a suitable environment for customers.

You got lost in your skincare routine as you found yourself thinking about Baekhyun again. You hadn’t seen him since that night and you avoided all contact with him within the friend group. Being that they were with Baekhyun a lot, you hadn’t seen the guys much lately. You couldn’t help but feel like the friend group was divided and that some of it was partially your fault. 

You thought to yourself, If I see Baekhyun again, I think I could at least say hi…

Sehun occupied your thoughts most of the time but there were times when you gave in to temptation and your thoughts shifted to things like Baekhyun’s award-winning smile. Sehun was a gentleman. To be honest, he was everything you wanted in a guy. He let you know from the beginning that he had intentions of being in a relationship. It was rare to get that much information from a man these days. 

He was considerate and he cared about you. And it showed. And when you hung out again last week, things were just as relaxed as last time. You felt like you could be yourself. The two of you went to get gelato in Little Italy, walked to the park, and talked for hours. And when you left each other, he didn’t try to come back to your apartment with you and he didn’t try to kiss you either. You were so used to guys rushing into things that this seemed a bit strange. It was great to meet a man with pure intentions.

Sehun would ask you if you wanted to Facetime a couple times. He’d ask you about your day, about what you ate, about what you were learning in class. He was asking these things because he genuinely wanted to know you. He wanted to know your thoughts, your ideas, and opinions. He wanted to dig deep into you, pulling out as much information as he could. He wanted to be able to paint the perfect picture of you, with his eyes closed shut. 

You smiled to yourself as you got off of the train. You had twenty minutes to get to work from the train station. It only took five minutes from the train but you liked to come a bit early to get coffee. Your phone buzzed in your hands. Sehun left you a voice message.

“Hey, Y/N. Good morning! Hope you slept well last night and that you have a good day at work...I’m working from home today, thank God. I’m sick of my boss hovering over me while I’m trying to get work done..” He let out a chuckle. “Anyway, I can’t wait to see you later tonight.”

The two of you planned to go to a jazz lounge tonight. Neither of you had ever been and it seemed like a fun date. That was one thing you enjoyed about Sehun. He was always down to try new things with you. Everything you were experiencing with Sehun felt so new, so exciting. You never felt quite like this before.

You smiled at the sound of Sehun’s voice and, as you were about to send a voice note back, you happened to look up and find Baekhyun walking toward you. You were sure he hadn’t noticed you yet and you hoped to keep it that way. You kept walking, trying your best to remain unnoticed. As you walked past, you were sure he caught a glimpse of you because you could feel someone’s eyes glued onto you. It took everything in you not to turn around and look back at him. 

You’d said that maybe you were at a point in your life where you could gather the courage and greet him if you were in the same room. Here you were, practically running away from him instead. You weren’t ready to cross paths with him; not right now. And to make matters worse, you looked a mess in your barely brushed bun and a not-so-special outfit. You’d imagined that when you eventually did cross paths, that you’d look good that day. 

You walked past him and didn’t look back once.

*

Baekhyun got off the train feeling more tired than usual. He’d had a bit of trouble sleeping last night. He inched up the staircase slowly and when he looked up to see what the holdup was, he saw that it was a mother struggling to carry a stroller. Eventually, once someone realized that maybe they should help, another woman helped her up. Once the staircase congestion was cleared, Baekhyun was able to start moving. 

As he headed toward the exit, he happened to look up from his phone and to his left. He had to do a double take to make sure it was you. It was. He knew your height and body size like the back of his hand. Even though he hadn’t been friends with you for a full year, he got to know you well for the past few months...until all of this drama came crashing into his life. He was at fault, he knew. This was a mess that he’d unintentionally created by not being straightforward and not being honest with himself or the people around him.

He didn’t know what an ideal world would look like. He wanted to be with Kira, no matter what. But, sometimes, his heart tugged toward you. He cared about you and he honestly missed you. He missed hanging out with you. He missed the simple things about his relationship with you like waiting for you to get out of class so you could eat lunch with him or helping you study for your exam, with flashcards. He missed simple things like FaceTime calls in the middle of the night when you had trouble sleeping and the fact that he could tell you anything. Part of him wished that he’d never crossed that line with you. He hated the fact that you weren’t in his life at all. Would you have been better off as just friends from the very beginning?

Baekhyun did see you, even if you didn’t know it. He saw you in all your glory. He saw you and your bun that you wore with the pale pink scrunchie that you loved. He saw you walking toward the University Place exit which could only mean that you were going to work. He remembered going there to pick you up from work last semester and watching you fidget at the desk, eagerly waiting for your coworker to come in and take over the desk duties.

He did notice you and a piece of his heart chipped away as he realized that a) you saw him and didn’t care to speak or b) you genuinely didn’t see him. A million possibilities and harsh realities flew through his head. He knew that you wouldn’t go out of your way to talk to him but had you just straight-up ignored him, like he didn’t exist?

Did the voicemail he left mean nothing to you? Did you listen to it at all? Did you delete it without even bothering to listen to it? He had so many questions and no answers. Were you done with him? Had he ruined the friendship the two of you once had forever? He felt a lot of things but his heart felt bruised, more than anything.

Was it really over?

Baekhyun wasn’t sure what kind of relationship he could have with you at this point but he knew that he didn’t want to live in a world without you in it. But on the other hand, he knew that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it, too. 

*

You met Evie and Sadie in their dorm room after your shift. You still had a couple hours before you had planned on meeting Sehun. You put your bags down and sat down on the fluffy rug that lay between the two beds. 

Your friends had started filling you in on a campus event tonight, where some of the school’s cultural organizations were going to have a dance off. You hadn’t planned on going since you made plans with Sehun but your friends didn’t seem to want to let it go. 

“So you’re really not going to come to the Battle of the Orgs thing tonight?” asked Sadie, sitting down on the floor next to you.

You shook your head. “Well, I wasn’t really planning on it...”

Evie chimed in, turning away from her laptop and toward you. “Drew said it’d be really cool if you’d come. He’s hardly seen you since everything that happened with Baek. He’s performing...and the best part is that Baekhyun won’t be in the crowd cause he’s performing too.”

You raised your eyebrow, a curious expression taking over. “Since when?”

“Since like three weeks ago when one of the other guys dropped out and Drew begged him to join the lineup,” answered Evie. “Drew bugged the hell out of him and eventually Baekhyun agreed to it. You know how annoying he can be...”

“I saw Baekhyun in the train station this morning,” you said. “I was telling myself this morning that, if I saw him in the street, maybe I’d say hi...but I walked by and pretended I didn’t see him.”

“Would you really have said something?” asked Sadie.

You shrugged. “Probably not. But what would I even say to him?”

“Go fuck yourself is a good start,” Evie suggested. The three of you laughed for a moment before her expression became serious. “He really does seem to be dating that girl though.”

“Did you meet her?” you asked.

“For a minute,” Sadie said. 

Evie added, “Baekhyun stopped by in the library and she was with him. So he introduced her...as his girlfriend.”

“What does she look like?”

“She looks mixed. She’s black and Japanese, I heard.”

“What’s she like?”

“Y/N, what does it matter? We met her for two seconds, in passing. Even if I had an answer for you, I wouldn’t tell you. You’re seeing Sehun, right? Why are you making Baekhyun more relevant than he is?” 

You rolled your eyes, annoyed that your friend wasn’t going to give you more information. But, deeper down, you knew that she was right. It wasn’t healthy to ask those kinds of questions or to do things like look at Baekhyun’s snapchat stories hoping to find out more about this girl. It hurt that he had moved on. You wished that you were in her shoes. It felt unfair that this girl came into the picture and threw Baekhyun off course. You thought about what he said about having intentions of asking you out. If it was true, then the appearance of this Kira girl had ruined it. In a way, she had ruined the relationship that could’ve been yours. 

But it wasn’t fair to put the blame on this girl. You didn’t know her and she didn’t know you. Sometimes you felt jealous but then you had to remind yourself that you deserved better and that if Baekhyun truly wanted to be with you in the first place, he would’ve been.

In all honesty, you should’ve listened to Evie’s advice in the first place. You should’ve known something was up when she asked if you were sure that Baekhyun really liked you. Maybe you should’ve questioned things sooner. Maybe if you’d brought it up sooner, the story wouldn’t have played out quite like this. Maybe you would’ve had the answers you needed much sooner. Maybe it would’ve hurt less.

You bit your lip. “Of course he’s not relevant. I’m seeing someone new and I’m moving on...just like he is!”

Part of you wanted to go to the Battle of the Orgs. You wanted to go because you genuinely wanted to see Drew perform and, if you were being completely honest with yourself, you wanted to see Baekhyun perform too. You never really saw him dance like this before. According to your friends, the Korean Student Association was going to perform a couple k-pop songs. 

You didn’t know if you were ready to see Baekhyun in person, even if it was from a distance. Hell, you couldn’t even face him in the train station this morning. You just kept walking like a coward. You had imagined seeing Baekhyun again for the first time a million different ways. All of the scenarios you imagined in your head were nonchalant, petty, or neutral. You’d imagined scenarios where you hit him, scenarios where you threw shade at him, and scenarios like this morning—you walking past him, but without a care in the world. And you’d also imagined delusional scenarios where he explained that he didn’t want that girl anymore, and that you were the one he wanted. But you knew, at this point in time, that it wouldn’t happen.

You knew deep down that the only way to truly get over Baekhyun was to finally face him. That didn’t mean that you had to be friends or that things were going to go back to how they were. Shit, how could they after all that you’d been through? Seeing Baekhyun in person didn’t mean that you were committing to anything specific. It just meant that you’d be in the same room, breathing the same air. No harm in that, right? 

You had to face Baekhyun sooner or later. You weren’t obligated to accept his apology or to be friends. The only way to get over him was to acknowledge his existence. Maybe you could get to a point where you could have a conversation. Maybe, just maybe, you could be acquaintances or something. But for now, you decided to just let things play out. You’d just be yourself. Maybe you wouldn’t even have to interact with Baekhyun in the first place.

You decided that you were going to go to the event tonight. You’d go to the event, support Drew, and then leave to go to the jazz bar with Sehun afterward. This solution was perfect, for everyone.

***

A/N: This is kind of a filler chapter but the next chapter will be longer and have the drama everyone’s craving, I promise! It’s worth the wait. And thank you to everyone who has supported me. And shoutout to my bestie for helping me through these ideas and giving me some much needed motivation!

Tag List: @shesdreaminginoverdose​ @multistania​ @jeonchan26​ @myonlyaurora​ @keloiu​ @xxluckydreamsxx​ @multifandomeras​ @blanknearvana​ @jddcfc-blog​ @jummyjammy​ @mintaemark​ @kokobyunee​ @fortheloveofinfinite​ @littleflowercrown13​ @wayvexo​ @to-all-the-stories-i-love​ @ggaayyyong​ @hyuniebaby​ @giriboyshogu​ @xyukheix​ @jekylluv​ @forbyun​ @endzii23​ @puppyeoliepop​ @aa-ronpa​ @serendipitydreamsss​ @princemicorazon​ @sjkings​ @marimsun @baekhypnotized

Please DM me if you want to be added to the tag list! Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

[icharchivist]

cries think I made my ask too long so like half of it got deleted bc I typed it right into the askbox. anyways. I come bearing a3 thoughts! at first i was gonna watch the spring/summer and autumn/winter ones and then give my thoughts on both but. turns out i had too many thoughts lol? which i shouldve expected but i actually kind of... got bored by the first two chapters of this event! so i skipped and went to the stranger. and then went back. (1/?)

and then i got to like "tsuzuru and kazunari are having a fight?" and jumped on that like a starving wolf bc helllll yeah! i rly adored kazunari in sardine search, i think he was great! hes just so nice and has good vibes. he and taichi are kind of similar i feel? but i think their respective ages contribute to a lot of difference in their characters. why does it feel like this askbox limit personally wants me dead. (2/?)

anyways! i rly enjoyed the improv scene devolving to a real fight. admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event... it was still good tho. the scene i mean. (3/?)

also i rly liked tenma ragging on them afterwards. like he was mean but. first i adore tenma. second he just felt like. a different meddling type to muku lol? like the vibes he gave me were always like... im going to be a considerate leader and watch out for the ppl under me! therefore im gonna make sure theyre doing fine! aggressively. i think tenmas also just like a friendly person who likes to take care of others in general? like im not saying hes omi or anything but just like. (4/?)

that time he offers his car ride to juza so they can go to school together like hes surprisingly open compared to his initial prickliness. also ive got thoughts abt the tenma juza SSR conversation thing i read. one day ill make a tenma and juza fic and complete a trifecta haha... but thats something for another day! back to the actual story. the way tsuzuru dives right in after kazunari! that was so nice. like its easy to see how much they care abt each other. (5/?)

to the point where like even while theyre fighting theyre like angry but still like fairly quiet bc i think theyre both at least trying to be considerate of each other. ah the moment kazunari didnt respond to tsuzuru trying to talk to him i KNEW he was sick tho. felt proud of myself for calling that one but also the reason i knew is bc i have used the "character being sick during an argument causing them both to make up with each other" trope myself before so uh. like recognizes like haha. (6/?)

anyways the cg there was fuckin beautiful like kazunari looks so sad in the middle bit but then u see his shy smile? like hes sick but hes also like. happy to be there. idk. lovely. i adore kazu i think hes just deeply sweet to other people. tsuzuru telling him "you make everyone around you feel as bright and cheery as the things you design” is so wonderful too (7/?)

now im thinking. ah tsuzuru probably feels quite drained after a script and such (i know i am when i finish any piece--its like the emotions just rush out of me) so i like to think that like yknow. kazunari dropping by his room or whatever helps him set himself back to normal! but also when tsuzurus like oh u left ur magazines here! i suddenly remembered. wait shit kazunari and tsuzuru arent even roommates. wonder how much they bother masumi lmaooo. anyways overall very good story! (8/?)

some more thoughts: itaru and citron were so cute in this event! just like. citron saying itaru winking makes his heart skip a beat and itaru quoting citrons wrong sayings (which. i am also guilty of today i told my brother "we'll jump that bridge when we cross it" so) also i love how yuki is like "thank god i wasnt partnered with that hack" but like. yuki. u could literally just not talk about him. like its so funny to me yuki is like wow i hate tenma but he wont shut up abt him haha (9/?)

i also was a lil taken aback at hearing itaru go "for the lulz" tbh... like it fits him. but im mad it fits him? anywaysss thats all i had for this one! im gonna watch autumn/winter and go say my thoughts on that soon. sorry the ask was so broken up, idk what happened!

OLA FRIEND! Glad to see your thoughts again omg :3c

tho omg the fact tumblr deleted it all + the ask limit was all so evil D: poor friend.

I'm putting my answer under a read more because. Well. *waves hand* it got long.

The non-play events can be perhaps a little harder to get into because unlike the plays events that you start with a clear idea of at least the main plot (re: "they are preparing a play, i know the leads so i know who it will focus on"), non-plays events take a little longer to first set up what event they're participating in, how to prepare for it, and then bring up the conflict and which characters are going to have something to do with said conflict. So i can understand that they're a little harder to get into when we know the plays awaits.

On top of that, the first few events still were a bit tame because since it was early when the app released, i think they didn't go too heavy at once in case some people were still stuck on earlier chapters (esp since especially Winter is hard to unlock)

ANYWAY glad that it sucked you in on the second read :3c

So glad you were invested in that conflict!

Totally agreeing with you about Kazunari, and very good point about Taichi as well! they aren't the Puppy Pair for nothing :'D (Yuki took one look at both of them together and just Knew. His suffering knows no end (lovingly)). But yeah i think they have a lot in common, they both are the really bright and friendly figure, both also started in overcompensating a bit because both wanted to be popular in some ways.

But we do have, on one hand, Kazunari who wanted that rather late in his life while Taichi always thrived for that, the fact Kazunari made friends easily and it's just that he was scared of getting to the next level, while Taichi always struggled with this quest for popularity. In a way too both of them were at least scared to share a part of them, Kazunari worrying to show his thoughts, and Taichi being a spy and all of that... which impacts them really differently considering the guilt it puts on Taichi. And then you add their age into the mix, especially the fact Kazu is the oldest of his troupe and Taichi the youngest of his, it makes them fairly similar all while being fairly different.

both are so interesting to me and i love them bothhh, so it's always nice to see them have focus.

admittedly i was kinda surprised that the content of that improv wasnt rly too similar to their actual fight? like normally a3 has the story of the play run parallel to like the actual real character drama so i thought the improv might function as the play in this event

i love how you are seeing the patterns a3 tends to do it's so neat!

It's true the fight isn't really similar to their actual fight, though i do love that they had "swapped" their personality for the act and ended up insulting each other for theirr swapped personality. Like, Kazunari insulted part of himself in Tsuzuru's character and Tsuzuru did the same?? and then the fight escalated and the way Kazunari broke character hurts bc it's really that Tsuzuru hit where it hurts. But yeah it still wasn't too relevent to their actual fight, though i think the thing is that their fight was as such mostly because they tend to clash often due to their personalities rather than just this singular reason why, so to have the play go more "it's their personalities the problem" kinda hurt lol. But yeah still agreed that it didn't reflect much on the plot itself

I was rereading the improv bit to answer correctly and man since we're going to talk about Tenma next, i just. Love that when Kazunari, breaking character, his eyes sad, tells Tsuzuru "you have no rights talking to me like that..." it then cuts on Tenma being upset. Bc like. Exactly like you say, he wants to look out for the people under him. and like. Kazunari is his friend. A friend he also snapped at once and insulted for being who he was, so he probably could have relived a bit of his fight with Kazunari seeing those two fights; Except that now Kazunari is one of his closest friend and he doesn't like that.

Also like. It was also because he could still hide under the plot of the improv but it's so rare, and it never happened before that point, that Kazunari stands for himself in a "the way you treat me is unfair"? Like again re: his fight with Tenma, when Tenma snapped at him, while Tenma was unfair with him, Kazunari took the blame, called himself annoying and all yaknow?

The fact Kazunari is starting to accept that he can take more place for himself is something the whole Summer Troupe have been trying to help him work on, but especially Tenma. Tenma is always there trying to push Kazunari to say what he means, to express his feelings, to stop hiding.

And for once, Kazunari does that in front of everyone... and it's because he's breaking because of his fight with Tsuzuru.

I think Tenma probably felt it was even more of a reason to get involved like, this is the thing he's been working on with Kazunari about, and now he's being all hurt about it, not on Tenma's watch!

And i totally agree with your take on Tenma! (and would LOVE to read the Tenma and Juza fic once you get to it :3c). I think, Tenma is really caring and is trying to take a place as a caretaker and all, but unlike Omi, he has absolutely no reference for it.

Omi is the eldest of multiple brothers and everything indicates his parents have always been lovely to him. Add to it how he ended up leader of a delinquent crew he was clearly looking after, Omi has a history of taking care of people, of nurturing them, and he knows what he's doing. Meanwhile Tenma grew up on TV sets, mostly surrounded by adults and not by people his age, mostly getting advice from being ordered around by directors i think. And his parents are distant, hyperfocused on their job, not really nursing with him. So Tenma meanwhile really didn't have a family emotional support and was in situation where he couldn't befriend other kids his age. His only reference was probably Igawa (his agent) and i think for a long time he didn't exactly see it, and Igawa remained mostly professional so there was probably the idea of it not being sincere? That Tenma had to grow out of.

So like, they're both extremely nurturing and caring, but my point is that Omi has experiences in it and is at ease with it, while Tenma has been so alone and in places were he had no support system that even if he wants to support others, he still struggles with how to do it because he has no set exemple. And that's his development in the main story arc, to learn from how Izumi shows she cares in order to care back at them all.

Like i mean the way Tenma yelled at them about their mistakes at first feel like he would have picked it up from some directors on TV set yaknow? Probably hearing them say that with no consequences on others actors, seeing it worked, didn't think "that's an abuse of power and the actors probably all think badly of their director for that" but "wow that works", tried it on his troupesmates and realized this is... not how that works. And it's spending time watching how Izumi encourages them that have him fix his way to approach it.

So yeah i got lost too into it but like. I feel you on Tenma i love him so much and i love his development so to see him get pissed and involved there? was really nice. even if he was aggressive about it. He's still learning.

ANYWAY back to Tsuzuru and Kazunari, totally agree with what you say next. They still care a lot about each other and yeah they're at a point where this consideration they have for each other make their anger more quiet than trying to attack one another (Banri could NEVER-). so yeah totally agree with you!

DLKFJDLKF i LOVE the reasoning on "recognizing that Kazunari was sick". Your writer's powers making you see through... *coughs* unlike Tsuzuru....

AND YEAH ALL YOU SAY ABOUT THE CG.. YEAH. Kinda crying thinking about it again now LDKJFLKDJF It's just. Everything about it is so soft and tender. The things Tsuzuru tells Kazunari are soo so sweet sobs. They're just adorable i love those kids. and also i feel you for Kazu he's just that great huh?

The whole set up about Kazu dropping by his room is so so cute! I love it! Like probably the very first time Tsuzuru braces himself because "oh no i'm not in the mood to stand mister hyperenergy himself" but Kazunari quickly adjust his energy so that Tsuzuru can just recharge without being overwhelmed. Yes it would drive Masumi completely nuts. Which i think is a plus for Tsuzuru like, hey, if Masumi gets annoyed once in a while it's a win. But yeah also i think that Tsuzuru and Kazunari should really have the Artistic Soldiarity of Students in Art school Probably Working Until Very Late To Complete Their Projects. Would love if at the end Tsuzuru gave it back yaknow?

but yeah their story was really nice i'm so glad you liked it! :D

oh god yeah Itaru and Citron were SO cute in it too, i also love the comments Citron makes about Itaru's winks. Just there flirting in front of everyone like those two embarrassing friends huh. (probably with Muku being all starry eyes considering he greatly admires both Itaru and Citron and, well, Romance.). And yeah i love how Itaru ends up so much into Citron's rhythm (and this idiom you said? is glorious actually, 10 points for you)

DLKFJDLKF what a call out toward Yuki. "yes i hate Tenma,no i won't shut up about him, also if YOU say you hate Tenma i'm going to stab you with my needles, have a nice fucking day.". I love their dynamics so much aha

And yeah Itaru is there cursing us the whole time with the fact he's the greatest nerd ever and it fits him perfectly. It makes me laugh so hard.

Thank you so much for having shared your thoughts there! it's always a blast to read through them and i dearly enjoyed it! (+ it makes me relive the event a little and it makes me soft!)

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! So glad you had so many thoughts about all of this, what a blast.

thank you for sharing, and looking forward the Autumn/Winter reactions :3c

Take care!

[earthlyemily]

I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is emilymiddin@hotmail.com or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is emilymiddin@icloud.com i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3