#ive been replaying a lot of awakening

[authorofthemoon]

Owain and Inigo's support is just 'i was nice to the weird theatre kid once and now he's ny boyfriend of three years'

[sieglinde-freud]

ann i was wondering if you know of any mods for fire emblem fates that are like the thabes mod for awakening? i’ve been thinking of replaying fates lately and i do love the games but they are. so trash i wish someone would fix them </3

theres definitely a lot of fates overhauls, but im not sure if there are any that just rewrite the whole game? ive tried using this one which changes a few elements (namely scarlet and izana not dying in rev) but i dont imagine its what youre looking for + its a little more gameplay focused. i did glance at the mod page on gamebanana tho and saw Project Re-Fates which might be more in line with what youre looking for, but i have never tried it so i cannot tell you what it does and to what it extent. but it looks pretty cool from the previews soooooo… if u try it lmk!!

[theaviskullguy]

KAITO????

L;KHSdG;LOKJSDFHGL;JKDSFGH MY BOY MY BELOVED THE MAN WHO INDIRECTLY LED TO MY QUEER AWAKENINGS

Why I like them/why I don’t

I am the biggest fucking fan of characters with fucked up family relationships. and characters who are guard dogs. Kaito happens to be both. Off to a great start.

He has daddy issues, that's canon, but he fucking adores haruto. to the point where he sacrifices his health and morality (at least in the sub kinda). And he is very much a guard dog!! hes protective of hart and later his friends to a self-sacrificial degree. This motherfucker. hrm. i love him.

his voice in the english dub is also really fucking hot. there is no fucking way he wasnt a part of my gay awakening back when i thought i was a girl.

What I like about their appearance

Everything. like the man is Hot. that dramatic coat, the d-gazer tattoo... part of me wishes he got more than just a pallet swap with photon transformation but its fine hes still cute. I want to run my hand through his paintbrush hair.

Do I prefer their dub names or original names?

Since theres no legal way to watch the sub and i havent been able to find it on the yar har har websites (i dont even know where to look, really), i grew up on the name kite. However, when i write him, Kaito is his full name, but Kite is a nickname (the same goes for hart! haruto is the full name, hart is the nickname)

OTP

i assume you're not counting selfshipping (if you are. me and kaito. absolutely 100%). oc ships its with my oc wynn, and canon ships? the galaxymastershippers are onto something. kaito and mizael are fucking insane i think theyve kissed Once

NOTP

Other than the obvious of kaito/haruto. kaito/yuma. i dont know why, i just. Do Not Like It. i get it, its a yugioh staple to ship the protag with the rival but i just. dont really understand dokidokishipping

OT3

I am not aware of any ot3s from zexal. however with arc v. yuto/shun/kaito. i dont know if that has a name, i just call them the xyzs trio, but its a concept ive rotated in my head a bit

Favourite card they use

I once traded an entire deck for one of his cards. I got this pack of 3 decks and i had a friend that didnt have a deck but got her hands on one of kaito's cards. my favorite one. so i asked "hey do you want one of my decks for that card", she said "yes", and i traded away an elemental HERO deck for Galaxy Eyes Photon Dragon.

Favourite moment they were in

theres so many,,,, my top 3 i think is his entrance (fucking ICONIC.), the 3v1 verses Faker, and his moon duel with Mizael. However shoutout to that one scene and i cant remember which episode its from where we see him shirtless. When i tell you younger me was replaying that scene a lot. i mean it

Least favourite moment

i know i just said my favorite was the 3v1. but its also my least favorite from a dueling standpoint. Coolness factor its through the roof but like. faker thats not how 3v1s work. you might have the combined life point total but your 3 opponents dont share life points (if they did theyd also have 12000 i believe. i might be wrong dont quote me on this), and also. this is my biggest gripe,

WHY DO WE NOT SEE KAITOS PAINS AFTER THIS. Like he still uses Photon Transformation in the future so why the fuck do we not see him with chronic pain which, by all accounts, he should have!! even if its minor like showing a cane leaning against a wall or a heating pad. Come on. give me kaito with chronic pain its canon why dont you do shit with it.

Would I smooch, marry or kill them

im marrying that paintbrush twink. youre getting wedding invitations. other galax youre my best... person. i dont know if theres a gender neutral version for best man. it will be an autumn wedding and haruto is the flower boy

[oshidorifuufu]

10/07/24

the header is a little silly this time hehe

today:

anki + bunpro (ofc)

kanji

speaking practice

was going to continue the links awakening playthrough i started a while ago but god its already 3am

new year, new links awakening replay. it's genuinely one of my favourite games of all time goddd. anyway, just from the first 45 mins or so of playing it in japanese, i had like 40+ new words to 1, add to my bookmarks in shirabe jisho (dict app) and 2, actually add them into anki lol. im taking it slow cuz god it takes a lot to add 40 cards plus im not exactly lacking cards. i have a few days of them lined up already from all the mining i've been doing.

because i didn't want to overflow it i thought i should wait until ive added all 40 of those words to continue the playthrough but i love the game so i was like really wanting to play it, and i thought whats the point of waiting i can just screenshot the words i dont know and add them into shirabe jisho when i have the time you know?

today i recorded myself speaking japanese which i haven't done in about a month or so, i think. i was really glad to realise my speaking speed has really increased! and mentally, i didn't feel myself reaching for words nearly as much or trying to figure out how to grammatically say something. as a result the recording is like 11 minutes long.

i think this is in part due to the fact i've been consuming basically nothing but japanese vtuber streams lately so its greatly improved my ability to think in japanese and i feel like i've gradually started to be able to understand more of the streams as well. it's a really nice feeliinggg~

as for my life: nothing of note..

[villaincock]

ey yo seth! do you recommend the new fire emblem game? bc i ADORE FE but ive seen absolutely nobody talking about it so i have like. no reference from people who actually LIKE FE playing it, its just dudebros bitching bc "eww a new fire emblem and the protag is toothpaste lmaoooo" which is NOT helpful. also about your fic: dont feel bad, you write from PASSION as it SHOULD BE, grammar be DAMNED

thank you for your comment about my writing, it means a lot!! im glad u think so!

anyways, here is my Honest Opinion(tm) about Engage (under a cut bc its long):

yes, there are many unhelpful biased comments about the designs, the life sim aspects, and the story. ive seen the fucking "lolol toothpaste haha COLGATE heehee PEPSI lmao" joke over and over again with no end in sight. its not that funny anymore, guys.

BUT

to me, as a fire emblem fan (mind you, my first game was path of radiance when i was in ???middle school??? but the first fe game i FINISHED was awakening, when i was about 16 or 17), i think that Engage is fine as it is. :) the gameplay is what REALLY matters in a game, and the gameplay is VERY fun and challenging, so if nothing else, i'd recommend it for its unique playstyle. the story is kind of a rehash of awakening, with some details swapped out, and to me, the writing is actually sliiiiightly better here than in awakening. if you like awakening: great!!! you'll like the story in this game too! its a bit more in-depth, and the villains are focused on much more than in awakening, which i personally appreciate.

alear, the protagonist, reminds me a lot of robin, in that: they make their OWN choices, NOT the player's choice. for instance, in the first few minutes of the game, they decide to RUN from enemies instead of fight! they want to protect their stewards, vander and framme+clanne. i thought that was interesting. so far (and im almost finished with the game), i havent had a prompt about what i, the player, want to do in regards to a story beat. alear does the decision-making for you. even robin had a few player-driven choices to make, but not alear. alear is their own character. which is nice!!!

as for the life sim stuff, its very limited. the somniel is almost entirely optional. you can s support, but only alear can s support, and even then, NOT all of them are romantic in nature (see: pandreo and ivy, who both have romantic endings with alear regardless of their gender). if you choose, you can build and grind supports. the support convos arent always interesting, similar to awakening or fates, but they are cute and serve a purpose. but all that i just mentioned in this paragraph is not integral to the story AT ALL.

the story. the story is good, with some twists and turns here and there! we are supposed to get more characters and a new story option in wave 4 of the dlc (i am unsure when that is coming out!), and so the story might deepen with that dlc option. right now im doing a vanilla run with no dlc and ive been enjoying it thus far.

in short, im not DONE with the game, but i am REALLY enjoying myself so far. the battles are engaging (lol) and challenging (ive died on some skirmishes before :P), and i LOVE the characters, even if theyre not super deep. i hope the game has a satisfying ending and i suspect the replay value will be amazing, with all the unlockable classes there are :)!

id recommend you play it if youre a fan of fe, even if youre not crazy about the designs or the story. of course i cant dictate how others feel, but i actually enjoyed myself very much and remember to HAVE FUN and NOT CARE what ANYONE else thinks !!

[mayordeas-clone]

sometimes i cynically joke about how fe awakening doesn't do anything uniquely exceptional compared to other fe games ive played which could all qualify for some "best of" category. even though i love awakening's cast and music, three houses has it beat in that regard

BUT there is one thing that awakening has and that is that it's funny as hell

i noticed this in one of my replays, but the banter between the starting gang is a lot goofier and light-hearted. like fe hasn't been particularly dour or flavorless before awakening but it definitely does feel like more emphasis was placed on being sillier. i can see how fe fans at the time of awakening's release + the period after might react negatively to this since some of awakening's attempts at humor feel very...... anime i guess? (not helped that everyone in the army's Character Quirk is emphasized even more) especially since some were dissatisfied that awakening's success would alter the direction of the series forever. but i think this extra bit of humor adds to the heart of the game and it really wouldn't be as likeable if it didn't have the silly character interactions

also in vaike and chrom's support chain they settle their rivalry with a cooking competition, vaike makes something good while chrom makes gruel so bad it nearly kills vaike and declares himself the winner via tko. anna calls tiki a socialist. you can't get this in any other fe idc

[keikuns]

Hellooo Hân~🎅💖 I hope you had a lovely week! Only two days left before the reveal hfkdlz I’m so exited ahah I hope you will like your gift !! ❤️

Yess I am enjoying this pokemon game a lot! And now I hope a DLC will be released soon !😂 Speaking of video games, I saw you’re a fire emblem fan ! 🤭 I absolutely love fire emblem, especially three houses, what is your favorite fe game ?

I know what you mean😂 Did you see jjk new trailer for the second season btw?? 😭 my heart is aching already ahah💔

Vwjdkdkd exactly for sxf 🫠!! I’ve caught up with the lastest chapter yesterday and I was expecting and hoping for sooo much more progress hdjdkzk😂🤡 but still, I really enjoyed reading all these chapters, and now I can’t wait for the next one on sunday hehe 🤭 Who is the character you’re talking about ?(even tho I might have an idea😂)

Good luck for your finals!! And I hope you will!! Mob psycho last episode just aired yesterday, I’m so sad it ended 🥺 but it was sooo good I really love this anime a lot 🥺❤️

I never watched the ones you mentioned 😭 but I’ve wanted to start fma since a while🤭 Aaaaah I like those kind of animes as well !! My first animes were ojamajo doremi, tokyo mew mew, pokemon…those were the animes that were broadcasted on tv when I was little ! And there are also the ghibli movies (which one is your favorite if you have watched them ?🤭) But the animes that "really"made me into animanga were fairy tail and…one piece ! 😂 But it’s definitely when I created my account on tumblr that I started to discover and watch even more animes ahah 😂🥴

(btw the tumblr app literally crashed while I was trying to send you this ask hdhjd I wonder if you will receive it twice🥹🙃)

-Your animanga secret santa 💖🎅🎄

oh no I’m so sorry I’m late replying to this ask 🫠🥲 I’m traveling for the holidays so it’s been super hectic here. i hope you’re doing well though!! thank you so much for the wonderful gift Charlotte!! I love them so much 💕❤️🥹 your coloring is gorgeous ❤️🥹

i hope you’ll enjoy the pokemon dlc!! omg another fe fan!! i love love love awakening! 🥹🤭 it was my first fe game and i enjoyed it so much and it’s the one i replayed multiple times 🥹 what is your favorite fe game?

i need time to catch up to sxf soon 🫠🥲 ahhhh im so behindd. I don’t like yuri lol he’s very 🤔🤨 thank you so much for the well wishes!! i passed my finals so ive been enjoying the break <3. mob is on my ptw list 🤭😊

they’re pretty old anime looool but fma is SO SO GOOD. it was my biggest obsession for years after dbz 🥺🥹 i miss it quite a bit </3 I loved tmm too!! have you seen the reboot? it was kinda meh but nostalgic 🤭 i used to love fairy tail too!! it was so good but then it kinda went downhill lol

(I’m so sorry the app crashed for you 🥲) I hope you have a wonderful holiday Charlotte!!

[teddiecircus]

FE Three hopes comes out this month once I get into fire emblem again it's over for you all

[danielnelsen]

finally got my hands on all the dragon age novels and comics and links to the web series’, movie, and browser games (other than the last court rip 😢.. i also cant get heroes of dragon age to work on my phone or an emulator but i dont think that’s particularly lore-heavy?)........ time to Consume some Content

[n7punk]

Since you mentioned Zelda do you have a favorite Zelda game? Mine is skyward sword!

gonna get a bit controversal here probably XD

i was literally just talking about my ranking earlier today with a friend, so here's my personal take. keep in mind, some of these games i haven't played since i was a small kid, and like... i know i played phantom hourglass but i cant remember a damn thing about it so i wont be including it. ive got some stuff like that. i've played like nine zelda games or something but these are the only ones i feel like i remember/experienced enough to rank.

twilight princess and breath of the wild are nearly tied for me. they're different kinds of games, so which one is "better" really depends on what im in the mood for (and what your particular style of gaming is), but i think they're two of the best games of all time and would recommend them to just about anybody who is open to that genre of game.

then honestly i would probably put spirit tracks or skyward sword after those two. its been a long time since i played spirit tracks but i remember really liking it as a kid. conversely, i was just replaying skyward sword in the hd remaster and while i remember loving it the first time i played it as a kid (not considering it as good as twilight princess, but still good), i didnt enjoy it nearly as much on this playthrough. i think the gameplay just isn't fun enough to carry the whole thing for me when i already know the story, but the first time i played it i was clinging onto every line so i loved it. like, i remember when i finished the scorpion fight and the sand drained away being like omg!! it looks like the hub from spirit tracks i wonder how it all fits!! so i'd definitely recommend skyward sword to a zelda fan, but probably not to someone who has never played the series before. i think the back half of the dungeons are distinctly more fun than the first half, which is kind of the opposite of what you want because i was like "come on, just get through sky view, and eldin, and the mining facility, and then you'll get to do the dragons." (flooded faron is my favorite level btw).

next is probably link's awakening. i played the remaster (never the original) and enjoyed it. i thought the remaster was INCREDIBLY done, such a cute and fun and high quality style with a beautiful result, all while preserving a lot of the original look and probably some of the feel too (at least from what ive played of the original zelda, which isn't much).

next is probably a link between worlds (on 3DS). i got pretty far and i think i stopped just because i started feeling lukewarm on it due to the difficulty curve (i have a lot tougher time with handheld games than controllers, and consoles are already harder for me than mouse and keyboard in general) and the story wasn't interesting enough to pull me back in. because of that, i wouldn't really Recommend a link between worlds unless you're already a zelda fan and have played the others above.

here's the controversial part, but i put ocarina of time at the bottom. i know so many people love it, so i was really excited to play it when it came out for the 3DS, but... that game was such a slog. i stopped about halfway through the game not because i was stuck, but because i wasn't having any fun. i think part of it was the low res art (the game was visually muddy, unengaging, and just kind of hard to discern), but ive played a lot of low res or even 8bit art games (my first video game ever was super mario bros for the NES, which came out 14 years before ocarina and obviously has much worse graphics), so part of it has to be the game, and visuals alone dont make a game boring. like i said, i was kinda bored at parts of skyward sword this playthrough and it's such a gorgeous game. being unengaging visually made it harder to get into the gameplay, but that wasn't all it was for me.

[thatwitchrevan]

I'm so behind on star wars in general lol. I haven't watched resistance, read any of the st tie in stuff since... Probably Before the Awakening and Rey's Survival Guide. I haven't played Fallen Order. I haven't even finished the Aftermath series.

I read Lost Stars and a few of the comics a couple years back, and I read Queen's Shadow last year, and then lately I've just watched The Mandalorian and the Clone Wars finale anddd.. Just rewatched tesb again lol.

It's like, I absolutely still think about sw a lot and I actively want to keep consuming it and get into the newer content, but tros just kinda put me off it a bit and there's so much elsw ive been into like kingdom hearts, loz, and now final fantasy..and I've been more busy and stressed lately so anything that's not actively Shiny New Hyperfixation is way on the backburner.

I'm not even really complaining cause interests have phases and it's entirely natural to not focus on something all of the time especially when you've been disappointed by some of the content, and the older I get the less urgency I feel to always be about whatever Thing I like, but at the same time I do kinda miss sw and want to get into some of the content I've been putting off.

Particularly kotor bc ive been wanting to replay it for y e a r s and never fucking done it lol.

[mayday-phanade]

ARAMAKI YOSHIHIKO 08/08/18 BLOG POST TRANSLATION - Looking Back on Tousute: Hiden Yui no Me no Hototogisu

VERY VERY ROUGH TL ;; MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD!

so many typos (?) and i took liberties with most… anyway we got a very relatable boy right here… the best mknb fic ive ever had the pleasure of reading.. from the man himself. we don’t deserve him.

Read under the cut! 

Tousute Hiden ended 10 days ago.

How is everyone doing?

I am currently doing Sengoku Night Blood’s rehearsals

And in other days I do a lot of other work too.

Two months

No, when you add the practice time

I did Tousute for three months

A few days after the final performance,

Somehow, there’s a suffocating, wrong, and murky feeling

I did the Nico Nico broadcast,

I was able to share even just a little of my own thoughts to everyone

That calmed [the wrong feelings] down.

Because Senbura Live has ended,

I thought I should write a looking-back blog post.

I have so many feelings over Tousute

So this might become a bit incoherent but,

Please pardon me.

And it will probably be long.

When you have the time, I would be happy if you could read it.

Then–

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

Stage play Touken Ranbu Hiden Yui no Me no Hototogisu

Tousute Kyouden was two years ago.

From then

Kyouden Saien (replay)

Giden

Gaiden

Jyoden

Hiden

I have performed in them all.

I have always worked in all of the Tousute’s up until now Because I was allowed to appear.

Hiden is my 6th work [in the series].

If you count all of the performances together, a total of 178.

For a really long time, I have been in Tousute

It’s a really great honor.

By the time of Kyouden’s premiere

I have been decided to appear as Yamanbagiri Kunihiro

From there,

Mikazuki and Yamanbagiri’s story begun.

Hiroki-kun and I,

Since the rehearsals for Saien

This Tousute’s story, what kind of concept would it be

From Suemitsu-san I was allowed to hear just a little bit.

Eventually, Mikazuki and Yamanbagiri will fight.

When I heard that

“I want to do that scene already!!

But before I could do that scene, I had to do so much more first

First, I had to look ahead.

But I want to do it already!“

I had those fluttering thoughts.

I didn’t think that the ending

would turn out to be like that.

I was played. (or literally: he got me there.)

I was really surprised.

When I heard that Yamanbagiri would fight Mikazuki,

That Yamanbagiri would surpass Mikazuki,

Maybe it was a story that would show his growth

Is what I thought!

To think that he would lose.

And with a farewell, at that!!

Suemitsu-san really played [me] there.

If this ending has been planned from the very beginning of Tousute’s story,

I would like to take a look in Suemitsu-san’s head.

Just what is going on in there?

I had those thoughts while I was in rehearsals,

The real thing

The first performance in Meijiza Theater

From the stage where we practiced,

It’s a play that really exhausts your energy Is what I thought but

The amount of passion the audience has shown Further exceeded my expectations.

The people who saw it too, In such a fast pace,

Surprised,

then saddened,

I wonder if you were all tired after the performances?

I think that would be a given if you were to see something like Hiden

The citadel was attacked. Mikazuki cut Shokudaikiri down.

Our Master made an appearance.

Hasebe and Fudou came back

Mikazuki left the citadel

And lastly, Mikazuki and Yamanbagiri fought And it ends there.

I’m sure it was a story that no one saw coming.

A painful story.

Every after performance, I felt varying levels of tiredness.

One of the reasons why I felt absolutely knackered

Was because of the scene with Mikazuki.

The story’s ending,

The scene of parting with Mikazuki

I didn’t want to cry but my tears came out anyway.

Before me,

When I see the Mikazuki that is disappearing

A lot of memories will come up to me

No matter what, my tears will come up.

There were performances where I silently cried,

and performances where I was wailing and sobbing

I entrusted all of my emotions to that single moment.

A play.

No,

it was no longer just a play anymore.

I was really mourning.

In the first performance(s),

I was merely sad to be fighting Mikazuki,

But after repeatedly performing,

“I will definitely save you.”

Is what I was thinking,

while fighting and crying with my heart out.

I fought with those feelings,

Losing was saddening,

I was frustrated with my weak self

And after I bid farewell to Mikazuki,

It was also hard to part there*

I always cried in that place.

But I wasn’t allowed to cry,

so I cried backstage**

There,

The Touken Danshi and the staff will greet me,

They will pat my back and say,

“Thank you for your hard work.”

Although there was only Mikazuki, Yamanbagiri, and Kogarasumaru on stage,

We fought together in every performance,

And got better in every performance.

But you know,

I myself was waiting for Yamanbagiri’s awakened form.

Thank god…

When will Manba-chan awaken…

Not yet? Not yet? I was waiting impatiently.

It was in the end of all ends, huh.

And now is different from the past

Awakened in slow motion

I was really happy to be able to awaken in such a strong and impactful highlight

And,

To be honest, I seriously pulled up my muscles

Even in the scenes where I was normally moving,

Slowly, in the slow-motion, I used my muscles in using the sword

But during those times the slow-motion really shines through

That slow motion with awakened form,

I personally loved it.

And to the people who waited for Manba-chan’s awakened form too, I’ll be happy if you are satisfied.

With that Manba-chan who’s awakened, I won against Mikazuki.

A promise with Yamanbagiri,

Mikazuki in another loop of time.

Mikazuki Munechika who is trapped in the loop,

Just how many times have you repeated the same thing?

The same with the number of our performances?

No,

Even more?

This is only my thinking but,

Since the very first time,

Mikazuki himself is trying to change his fate and,

He might have resisted and struggled with different ones.

But

Whatever he does

No matter how much he struggles

It all seems to end the same way.

In the end, he has to become enemy to the Touken Danshi

But there is one hope found somewhere in that repeating loop

The sun that illuminates the moon.

Mikazuki said so in the performances,

susuketa taiyou. (“You’re quite the sooty sun.”)

I wonder if that was referring to Manba-chan.

That’s why in Kyouden

He tutored Manba-chan in that short time.

Inside the endless loop,

Over and over, making mistakes, amidst trials and errors

He guided Manba-chan.

To a one-on-one talk with Manba-chan, and a last farewell

Time and time again, over and over, he called for Manba-chan

He wished for a ray of sunlight.

That was probably what Mikazuki was thinking

While he suffered.

However.

The long number of performances has passed

And in the final performance,

Yamanbagiri managed to win against Mikazuki.

A divergence from the initial endings

This place too shows that Suemitsu-san is amazing.

Only,

In that final performance’s fighting scene,

I don’t remember much.

The fighting scene which was a one-off sword fight.

I wanted to show off carefully in the real thing.

But in that moment,

I lost myself in the feeling of my victory

When I came to notice, Mikazuki has already withdrawn his sword.

Together since the rehearsals

No, together since Kyouden

With Hiroki-kun, who I crossed swords with for several years

It may just be my one-sided belief

With one another,

I’ve learned to understand my partner’s breathing patterns too,

Because it was with Hiroki-kun who I’ve been through so much with,

From that, the final performance’s fighting scene was born.

That’s what I think.

I want to watch it in DVD soon.

That fighting scene.

The farewell with Mikazuki.

Mikazuki’s unbelievable fate.

The Manba-chan who has carried this burden.

Even Mikazuki is looking to the future.

Looking forward to that someday when Yamanbagiri can once again be reunited with Mikazuki.

Walking together towards Tousute’s citadel

For sure, someday.

To laugh together again with Mikazuki

For the day when that will arrive,

I’m wishing for it.

Truthfully,

For the time that the sun can illuminate the moon.

For the time that his existence can become a guiding light.

Yamanbagiri can smile then.

Will that day come, I wonder?

To appear in this production,

I,

On a crossroad, decided on my right knee’s ligament’s (ACL) surgery.

After the surgery, to not let my ligament rupture again

I paid utmost attention

I challenged the real thing

Supported by the staff and cast,

All 53 performances.

I was able to finish them all without injury.

But the fight with rehabilitation and weight training is not yet over.

In order to shine even more.

So I can give my fans much bigger dreams

I will devote myself to that.

Uguisumaru.

An elusive and philosophical person***

He loves Ookanehira too much.

Kogarasumaru.

Father.

Thank you for watching over everything.

Ookanehira.

Your upright heart encouraged us everyday.

Tsurumaru.

Day by day, with lies and surprises.

Someday, a moment will come when that will become reliable.

Kasen.

Fellow starter sword.

I’m glad I was able to fight with you in this show for so many times.

Shokudaikiri.

You’re good in cooking.

And good in singing too.

Fudou.

You’ve been kiwame’d.

You’ve gained a mantle.

You’ve grown, huh.

Hasebe.

A fellow comrade.

The Hasebe who has always silently supported Manba-chan and wished for his success.

Thank you.

Honebami.

We didn’t have much scenes together this time but

The scene where Honebami cried was a great scene too.

Daihannya.

Cool.

Really cool.

The figure who watched over Honebami was cool.

Nue.

Hototogisu.

You too, We are both fighting to protect our Masters.

Although we stand on different grounds,

You’re an excellent

Sword.

Mikazuki…

Because of you…****

Awakened Manba-chan.

The state of my repairs. Lol

Filling the trashcan up with ice water

In all the ends of performances,

I’d cool down my leg with this.

It’s very effective!

Then,

Thank you for reading up to this

I apologize for such a long and hasty writing.

The letters I received for these performances,

Presents,

Colored papers.

Thank you so much, everyone

I’ll gladly cherish and treasure all the presents

The letters and colored papers too

I’ll read them all carefully

It always brightens me up when I receive stuff from you guys

That energy

I wish I can return it to everyone

I’ll devote myself [to that] even more and more so,

From here on too

I’m looking forward to your support for Aramaki Yoshihiko.

Lastly.

From Kyouden

to Hiden’s story

Yamanbagiri Kunihiro has grown so much

I myself grew through this Tousute

Alongside Yamanbagiri Kunihiro I’m thinking I want to grow even more as him.

Through This participation in Stage play “Touken Ranbu”

I met Yamanbagiri Kunihiro

I’m really thankful.

The things that I could obtain from here Piece by piece

I’ve received the best and most important things in my life.

Thank you.

Touken Ranbu.

Touken Ranbu.

Someday,

Let’s start again.

Source: (x)

NOTES:

*円環 is literally a circle, or a ring.. but i translated it as The “loop” as implied in the play. 

** literally “the wing of the stage”, but to make the flow better i used “backstage”. the wing is the place where the actors exit from the stage, so like... almost backstage (lol) 

** ハケ not sure what this is meant to mean at all omg… i tried using “back” meaning backstage which would fit but idk man maybe he means entirely something else ;; it means brush as i recall but… was he brushing off his tears? i didnt think this could be used as a verb in that sense tho,, literally means like brush as in paintbrush or hairbrush? Sorry about this line!!

*** Not really sure if I read this right but it’s this 達観した物事の捉え方

**** Not sure how I wanted to translate it but it’s あんたのおかげで。。。if anyone is wondering hehe 

[lavellane]

DRAGON AGE QUESTIONS

tagged by: @nordxz​ thanks so much !!! *heart emoji* 

favourite game of the series?

origins! although inquisition is very close as well.  inquisition was my favourite for a very time, but like midway through last year i replayed origins and it just felt.....so good. i really struggled with enjoying dao because of the clunky fighting system but an amazing mutual introduced me to a mod that lets u skip fights basically lol, so i was just able to focus on the story/characters/exploration of the game, which just....made me realize how immensely beautiful the game actually is, and i fell in love all over again aaaaa

how did you discover dragon age?

i was a huge mass effect fan ! mass effect was the game that motivated me to make this blog, actually, and obviously through following people i saw a lot of posts from the da community as well. so i bought origins and inquisition (i had NO idea there was a da2 until half way through awakening lmao) and tried to play origins but HATED it gtrhutgrhugtr and then eventually gave it another try like a month later and completely loved it and now here we are

how many times you’ve played the games?

not as many times as some people on here have - i would say origins maybe four times, da2 maybe twice, inquisition three times. but that also doesnt count all the timesw ive created new games and then abandoned them lol bc theres too many to count 

favourite race to play as?

love me some elf booty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

favourite class?

at first it was rogue dual wielder ! i played as a rogue in every single first-time playthrough and idk i felt that class has always been the easiest/most op. but in the last maybe 2 years it’s changed to mage. ive always been super intimidated by magic classes in every game i play but i LOVE inquisition’s mage classes/specializations and i can never go back now

do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

im so so so bad and i usually end up making very similar choices, but usually bc i just......replay the same characters every time hgtuhgtruhgtrui. i REALLY need to make more da ocs to explore more choices but....i dont want to lol i already have to many. i still havent sided with the templars in a playthrough like i just cant do it 

go-to adventuring group?

i always bring my characters love interest with them no matter what, just bc its cute, but usually i try to evenly cycle the other characters around that. i always try to have a warrior/rogue/mage in every party. but sometimes i’ll go warrior/warrior/mage/mage especially if i need to focus on straight damage and a LOT of healing lol

my favourite parties would probably be:

dao - alistair + zevran + wynne (wholesome and also funny)

da2 - anders + fenris + merrill (SO much chaotic energy)

dai - solas + cassandra + cole (i just love them ok)

which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

ashara lavellan, my canon inquisitor who was never supposed to be canon tghtgurhtrg. my original canon inq was a trevelyan rogue, who was super nice and good. i made ashara so that i could actually play as an evil/mean character without feeling bad lol, oh and i also wanted to see what the deal with solas was bc i had heard his romance was good ;;;;) anyway that backfired and i ended up completely falling in love with her, and i STILL couldnt make the tough choices with her so i was like ok maybe she isnt THAT evil and now shes just..... the way she is now i guess lmao

favourite romance?

trhhtruih okay u guys KNOW its solas. u know. i dont even have to say anythiing about it bc...u fucking know

(alistair’s is very close tho)

have you read any of the comics/books?

i havent :(((( im such a bad fan but i cannot deal with ordering online and thats the only place ive been able to find them. im planning on reading asunder and the masked empire as soon as i get the chance (and the money) tho !!

if you read them, which was your favourite book?

nope

favourite DLCs?

trespasser ! its pretty simple and very plot-driven like u didnt have to worry about side missions as much as u would with other dlcs so idk that was... refreshing. but obviously i loved it just bc it was so beautiful and intense and sad (since my chara romanced solas obviously) and that music score????? unbelievable i’ll never be over it

things that annoy you.

can i say the fandom trghuitgrhutrhui

mostly the thing that pisses me off the most is the grey morality. writers trying to make everything deep and Thought Provoking like..... no jerry, slavery IS bad theres no alternative viewpoint lol??????? also the fucking whitewashing makes me see red. 

orlais or ferelden?

ferelden!!!!! (*blows a kiss* for highever)

templars or mages?

mages <3 

if you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

i only have like 3 protag da characters and they’re all canon, although emeraude is an au. so ella is my canon warden and ashara is my canon inquisitor, but emeraude does exist in that universe, bc i hc she befriended the warden and alistair when they visited the alienage, and she was very outspokenly angry and didn’t really give a shit that alistair was going to be heir. which alistair really,,, appreciated i guess? so emeraude is made his official elven adviser after his coronation but she also kinda helps out as a royal protector because she’s one of the only people in court they both trust completely lol. also she is....stronk. 

and the only other characters i have for da are obviously side characters who are related to my canon protags so. they’re all canon as well lol

what did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

ella named her dog ser bark gthutgrhutghruihtr she thought it was cute ok

emeraude just went with barkspawn since alistair came up with the idea as a joke but she thought the joke was so bad she made them keep it as punishment vjhuightui

i dont really have a hawke oc but.....he named his dog shepard in my playthrough ! like from mass effect ;;;;)))

have you installed any mods?

origins is modded to hell and back and i genuinely couldn’t play the game without mods at this point. inquisition is slightly modded but im in the process of removing them all, and only keeping a few because my game runs pretty terribly with them installed 

did your warden want to become a grey warden?

ella did ! but it was kind of,, a naive childhood dream, she had a really romanticized view of the wardens and she wanted a life of excitement and bravery and adventure, not really taking into consider all the bad things about it (and obviously not knowing the full truth about what it means to be a warden)

emeraude did NOT want to be a warden. she basically had to be dragged out of the alienage because she wanted to stay and protect her community. she never really enjoyed being a warden, although her friendship with alistair was its one redeeming quality 

hawke’s personality?

uh i cant remember the colour/personality thing but he was a combo of funny/ethical. mostly there for memes tho. 

did you make matching armor for your companions in inquisition?

for origins i do ! i always make sure alistair and ella wear the grey warden armour, as well as every warden in awakening. thats like, all theyre allowed to wear lmao.

if your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

ella would obviously change her family’s murder lol, and emeraude would at least try and change what happened at her wedding, to prevent shianni and the others from being hurt. 

ashara would change romancing solas :((( she was so angry at herself after discovering who he was, and she felt weak and foolish which she HATES more than any other feeling, so she definitely wishes she had never met him for a long time. after she kind of processes it though, and learns to deal with her anger, her answer would be that she wishes she had saved the chargers. it’s the one move she made that actually keeps her up at night sometimes. 

do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

ghuitrhuigtrhugtr so many. canon? dont know her. 

the biggest example would be that i hc king!alistair was at the winter palace during the wicked hearts level. because uh..... celene and the fereldan monarchs had been corrosponding for over 10 years, trying to build up rapport, of COURSE the king would be there to see who the potential ruler/s of orlais would be and whether or not he ought to be worried. like. im sorry but alistair was there lol you can’t change my mind. i also hc he helps ashara with information about the grey wardens during this chapter, because ???? it just makes sense??? im so angry i wish this was canon

are any of your characters based on someone?

ok it was unintentional but ashara reminds me of an english teacher i had in highschool who was very scary but also....really cool and i loved her. it was an accident but,, still counts. 

who did you leave in the fade?

gtiturghtugh okay at the risk of pissing off EVERYBODY who reads this, i left hawke in the fade, even though it was a toss up between hawke and stroud. it was ashara’s fault tho !!! she would have 100% prioritzed an alliance with the grey wardens over like,, some guy. it broke my heart but yeah That happened. 

favourite mount?

i like all the elk mounts mostly ! but i never use them bc they sound ugly af

tagging : @trvelyans​ @f3nharel​ @allisondraste​ @ensevens​ @tethraas​ @talizorah​ @fereldun​ if u are up to it <3 and whoever else wants to do this ! 

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things that you have experienced, or are currently experiencing?

“The most challenging experience I’m having right now is getting back into the world. Finding myself and place that I’ve lost over my 14 years of addiction. I think I’ve found myself, but I think that is a struggle for a lot of people in the world. Not necessarily somebody who struggles with addiction, but finding who they are as a person, and their being, and their purpose. I’m finding that. Or I think I’ve found that, but I don’t know if anybody finds that throughout their whole life. I’m lucky to be able to have that opportunity—a second chance at life in this recovery road.”

Tell me about the years of addiction, and what maybe contributed to the addiction.

“Well, in high school, not choosing the best group of friends. My father moved away when I was very young. No fault of his own. He had to go to find work in other states, which I now understand as an adult, but at the time I think I was suppressing that loss of him, having to move. He had no choice, he had to.

“For a group of friends, divorce is hard on children. Remarriage is also hard on children. I was very fortunate to have a great stepfather. But that was also challenging. I also experienced a lot of bullying my junior year at Southington High. That, in turn, led me to switch high schools, from Southington High to New Britain High. Although I made it out of there, it was really some hard times for me. I just kept self-medicating.

“Eventually, one high wasn’t as good as the first. I just kept going for that ultimate high, until eventually it caused me to overdose twice.”

Tell me about the times you overdosed. What was that experience like?

“In my first experience I was experimenting with drugs, and I did not know a good mixture. The reality is I was trying to get the ultimate high by mixing pills with antidepressants. It caused a bad overdose and ultimately led to my mother coming in and finding me unresponsive, and an ambulance ride with two vials of Narcan that ended up bringing me back to life. That experience as a whole, being brought in on a stretcher and seeing my family to the right, seeing the ER to the left, seeing the facial expressions on my family members, is something I will never get out of my head. I’ve learned to cope with it.

“Apparently, it wasn’t enough of a wake-up call for me in 2004. My second overdose was in 2009/2010. That experience alone ended up putting me in critical care. All of my bodily fluids had let go. It was a very awakening experience for me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of my addiction. The second time wasn’t either. But the second time, my nephew had a play that night and I lay there in the hospital bed thinking, now my addiction is not enabling me to be in my nephews’ lives, which I was blind to for so many years prior to that. My addiction had brought me to my knees, and it was now time to wake up and start getting it together.

“It wasn’t until two or three years after that that I started wanting more for myself. But it was a very humbling experience. It was sad. I found myself out and about a week later, getting heroin, and smoking crack again. And again, just suppressing all of those feelings I had had. I felt like I could not stop the vicious cycle. Addiction is a vicious cycle. For many people, it’s hard to find that break. If you do find it, it’s possible.”

What were some of the things you missed out on or lost because of the years of addiction?

“One of the biggest things is time. We as humans, we as people, can get a lot of things back in life. Sneakers, clothes, cars. But the most valuable thing that we as humans can’t get back is time. So if you asked me what the biggest one was, it would be time. I missed out on time with my nephews. Time to get my career off the ground and finances in order. Yes, we can get some of those things back, but we don’t get time back.”

Has forgiving yourself, or even forgiving others, been part of the process of recovery for you?

“Yeah, very big. I’d like to sit here today and say that I one hundred percent wholeheartedly have forgiven myself. Some days I think I’ve got it and I do, and other days I don’t. I think that’s all part of the recovery process. Good days and bad. That’s for anybody. But we as addicts struggle a little more, I feel. Or depression. Whatever somebody is recovering from.

“I believe I’m almost there. It’s a process of forgiving myself. Forgiving others is a process as well. But I understand there were a lot of difficult decisions and situations I put my family in for many years that I was bitter from. It had to eventually come to a point where they had to separate—for themselves. I have forgiven. I have to, because we as adults—cancer survivors, addiction, depression, mental health, whatever you may be recovering from—it’s vitally important that the person who has suffered for so many years gets to a point where they forgive themselves so they can move forward.

“There have been a lot of crying nights, a lot of fist punches to the pillow, a lot of difficult situations I’ve had to play over in my mind as it’s a process, you have to forgive in order to move forward. Some of the situations I didn’t like having to forgive and I still struggle with today. But it’s only going to hold me back. I was very fortunate that I had a family and I still have a family that is allowing me to recover. And it’s allowing me to forgive myself. One of the biggest things my family said to me two and a half years ago was we forgive you. A lot of people don’t get that opportunity. The ones who do, we’re very fortunate. But I’m still told up until last week when I was having a ‘Jenny’ moment, ‘Jenny, we forgive you. You can feel sorry for what you’ve been through, but we forgive you and we’re here.’ And it’s important that you know that so you can move forward.

“So I have to keep replaying that in my head every day. My mother is a second-time cancer survivor, and I tell her, ‘I know you didn’t mean to get sick. Sometimes I think you had to go and get sick,’ and she’ll say, ‘Well, you were sick for years. Allow me time to get well.’ So I forgive. It’s important to forgive. It’s a process.”

It sounds like having your family tell you they forgive you is freeing in some way.

“Absolutely. It’s relieving for me. The guilt was a very big part of what stopped me from moving forward. It was self-medicating, which started in high school, as I said. Self-medicating from bad decisions, bad choices in friends, being bullied out of my own town. But almost a year ago I forgave some of those people in high school, because we were young. We didn’t know. We wanted to be cool. That’s part of me that’s forgiving. But my family. Yes, for them to be able to say Jenny we forgive you, and it’s important that you know that because we want you to be healthy and be here with us. It’s a very big part for me.”

What sort of role do you think guilt and shame have played in your mental health and addiction?

“The stealing that I did from my family, money. Lies. Being someone I wasn’t. I think one of the biggest things is I had many opportunities to come clean with them, and I didn’t. But I can’t change that. I can only move forward from where I am now.

“A lot of the guilt and shame is from where I was living for a long time. Just kind of a reflection of how life was. Facebook does these pop-up pictures from years prior. And a lot of them have been popping up from the last four or five years. It’s been a good reminder. Because I thought I looked healthy back then. I didn’t. To see how far I’ve come. So the guilt, when I see those. I take it as a hard lesson. Thank you for letting me see how I was. But I wasn’t fooling anybody for a long time. I was only fooling myself.”

Would you say that guilt and shame feed the fire of addiction?

“Oh yeah. The guilt and the shame feed the fire. Absolutely. Because people don’t like feeling feelings. Not everybody. But feelings are healthy from what I’ve been learning. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel mad. It’s okay to feel anger, disappointment, and resentment. It’s okay to be uncomfortable sometimes, you know? That’s good. But for many years, the guilt was feeding all of that and suppressing my way of life.”

All those years of repressing and suppressing those feelings that made you uncomfortable—did they go away, or were they still there when you got sober? And have you had to move through them?

“Those feelings are still there. They’re always going to be there. But I have learned a different way of life and a different way of learning how to manage those feelings and deal with them without having to numb myself from those feelings. Therapy. Yoga. Meditative coloring is my favorite. Love that. So I’ve learned ways to deal with those feelings. They’re always going to be there. But I think at the end of the day, as I was saying earlier, forgiveness plays a very big role in that. Knowing that if you forgive yourself, then everything after that kind of comes into order.

“Forgiving yourself is probably one of the biggest steps in recovery, because after that, your mind, body, and soul know that you have forgiven the most important person in your life. And that’s you. Me. The one who suffered for so many years. Everyone else did suffer, but it gives a sense of relief in my body that I can move forward instead of dealing with those feelings when I’m numbing myself and feeling guilty.”

I’ve talked to many people who are recovering from a wide variety of issues, and one of the recurring themes is that people tend to cause more suffering and pain to themselves than what initially led them to try to escape those feelings in the first place. Would you say that’s true?

“I agree with that. Absolutely. Eventually what happens is you keep suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, rather than dealing with the issues at hand. Eventually it’s two or three years later and time, we don’t get back, but we can always make more time. That leads to suppressing rather than just dealing with the issue at hand. It’s important that people such as myself, you, who have started this Hearts of Strangers, to be able to give people the opportunity to do this. To be able to share their experiences and know you don’t have to go two, three, fourteen years like I did. I would like to not say it’s a waste of time, but I feel if I heard these stories, with what you do and put it out there for people. A lot more people such as myself would have come out a lot earlier.”

You mentioned the realization that you were missing out on your nephews’ lives. What else contributed to the awakening you needed to make some changes?

“I saw my friends getting married and having children. And I wanted that. I always wanted that for myself. I still want that for myself, and I know at the right time it will come. But that was one of the biggest factors, missing out and wanting to be a productive person in society. I was missing out.

“Many nights I would break night and I would hear the birds come up and start chirping. Breaking night is just awful. And I would get in my car from wherever I was and look out the window, and I’d see people going by in their cars to work, to their lives. And I wasn’t being a productive person in society. I wasn’t playing a good role for myself, for my family, for my loved ones. I wanted more for myself, which I hope that before too many lives are lost to this vicious cycle of addiction that people get the opportunity, like I have or you have, because it is possible to live happy and healthy without being under the substance of an addiction, or a drug or alcohol.”

How important do you think connection is in finding a sense of purpose and meaning and moving forward in your journey?

“There are many important roles played in recovery, and that is one of the number ones. It’s very important. Networking. Yeah, I think it’s very important. Finding a sense of purpose and reaching out.”

When things are good but also when things are bad.

“Absolutely. Life is about finding a balance, and I think finding a balance for anybody, even someone who doesn’t have an addiction or struggle, is challenging. What is right? What is wrong? A lot of people say right when the person thinks they got it, they don’t. You’re always learning something new. I think finding the right balance and being comfortable where you are, in a comfortable setting. Finding what’s comfortable for you and then going for it. For me personally, yoga. I’m thinking about getting into kickboxing again. I’ll be the first one to say the best high in the world is getting the endorphins going and working out. That’s one of the biggest things that pulled me out in recovery. I’m a big softball player. Getting out there and being able to cream some softballs is a good feeling for me.”

So doing the things you enjoy doing must really make you feel good. You’ve been able to network and build relationships.

“Yes. And I’ve also been able to repair a lot of relationships as well. Recovery University was a very big opportunity for me. I met a lot of kind people there. For me I was kind of twisting in the air. And again, trying to find the right direction in life. Ultimately in the end, my addiction ended up saving me, if that makes sense.

“Networking, such as people. Reaching out, such as people to you. Or friends, such as yourself. To be able to sit here with you and do this is therapy for me. It’s recovery for me. This is a great high. Networking is very important, like I said. I’m also doing Narcan classes. That’s not a resolution. That’s standing in the gap. But for me to be able to do that and give people a second chance at life. Networking with Greater Hartford Harm Reduction Coalition, my friends up there or you. NA. AA. As they say, one hand washes the other. I feel that it’s been a challenge, but I’m starting to experience it in this recovery world. There was a time when I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just stayed in my house. I was clean and I wasn’t using, but I wasn’t living.

“It was because of networking, from one mouth to another, and seeing the support. There is a lot of support in the recovery world. There definitely is. You have to be very careful and choosy, but yeah, networking has played a very big part in my life.”

Did you find it difficult to reach out for help, and to find the resources that have been beneficial to you?

“In the beginning, I wasn’t trying. In all fairness, it hasn’t been challenging for me. I don’t know if a little bit of my personality has to do with it. I was always very outgoing. But it’s been fairly easy for me to find support in the recovery community and reaching out.

“I know it’s hard for some to reach out more than for others. But if you want to live this recovery road, walk this recovery road, I will tell anybody, don’t let any person, place, or thing stop you. You keep reaching out, because it may be the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth person who does not help you, but I guarantee when you get to the sixth or seventh, you’ll find him. Keep trying.

“For me it hasn’t really been much of a struggle. I’m very fortunate. I have a loving family that just when I gave up on me, had to love me from afar. But I have some encountered some really wonderful friends and great support over the years.”

It sounds like you have a lot of unconditional love and support in your life.

“I do. And a lot of people aren’t as fortunate as me. And for that my heart goes out even harder for them.”

Is that what inspires you to reach out and be part of the community of helping others who may be going through some of the same obstacles that you’ve faced?

“Absolutely. Because although it is going on almost three years now of having those feelings. I have recovery dates for certain things that I stopped along the way. But all in all, about three years. Those feelings, like we said earlier, they never go away. But those feelings of loneliness, the feelings of craving a high or drug to just make you feel normal. All of those feelings will impact me for the rest of my life. I’m never going to forget where I came from. I know where I’m going, and I’m not close to where I want to be, but I’m a lot farther than I was. That makes me want to get out there and empathize with people as humans. The sick and still suffering. To be able to help them. I recently, in the past four months, got into working for Aware Recovery Care. And their treatment approach is wonderful. But anyone out there who is in this service or in this field, whether you’re getting paid or not, has to have a passion and know what one has gone through. Even if they don’t, it’s never bad to lend a helping hand and help somebody. So, my past experience is what is driving me to help people in recovery.”

Have you faced stigma at all in having the history and past that you have? Do you still encounter that?

“Yeah. I encountered a year ago, I went to an NA meeting and I had mentioned that I was on methadone, which is a medication that got me to a stable point of not being sick, living a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Healthy, honest, productive person of society. I had mentioned that I was on that, and somewhere in between the temporary sponsor that I had. I don’t know where she missed that big vital point of that happening, I wanted to start being a door greeter and taking commitments and working the steps. And it was passed onto me by this temporary sponsor that I could not start or take any step work or commitments until I was off my methadone, because that is not considered being clean.

“So that was a very big stigma and big prejudice that I felt. That, in turn, pushed me away from going to my meetings and pushed me away from my networking for a good six or seven months until I talked to a couple of people at RU, and they said, don’t let that stop you. I may say this angry right now, but I can voice it. Until you have a PhD after your name, then we’ll talk. For me, it’s what works for me. I’ll never be the type to sit there and tell someone, ‘You’re not clean because you’re on a medication that is being prescribed for abuse.’ Especially if you’re tapering off. But it’s what works for that person.”

You’re mentioned RU, Recovery University, a few times. Tell me what that is.

“Recovery University is part of Advocacy Unlimited. It’s a nonprofit organization that accepts anybody who has a co-occurring disorder, depression, addiction, to allow them to get an 80-hour certification in the state of Connecticut, to be able to work with individuals who have co-occurring depression, addiction, alcoholism, and be able to work in the field of addiction services. Anybody recovering from something, but addiction services mostly, mental health. And be an advocate for them. Help them on their recovery journey. The thing I like best about RU is I never thought I would be able to go to a university for something that almost killed me and made me hide for years. Then I could go to school for it and get a certification and be sitting here and working in the field. But along with the RU certification, I did some networking. I met some wonderful people along the way.”

It sounds like an organization, or a concept such as Recovery University, makes it possible for people who have lived experiences to then be a support to others who are still going through it. It sounds like a way to turn something negative and painful, something that may be been a weakness in your life into a strength, something you could be proud of. Something that had value and you could offer it to others to help them. I think it’s huge in shifting the perspective of the 14 years or so that you spent using.

“Recovery University . . . well, my biggest accomplishment prior to that was graduating high school. And that was a struggle for me, because of having to switch high schools and because of the bullying experiences I had. But the second was graduating from Recovery University, and having that diploma, having my father come. And having that certification and being able to turn a negative into a very big positive. And being able to stand on a stage in front of all of these people who are all fighting for the same cause. For so many years when I thought I was alone, I knew that there were people out there feeling the way I was, but I realize in-depth that I never really was alone. I’m not alone now, which is a good feeling to know.”

You mentioned in the beginning of this interview some of the things that may have contributed to your addiction. Your father moving away at a young age, moving away, changing schools, your parents going through a divorce, remarriage, and also being bullied. Where there other traumas or experiences that may have contributed to not having the coping skills needed to deal with those issues?

“Yeah, for a long time, from the age of 10 probably up to my early or late teens, I always knew that something wasn’t right with my mom. But I also didn’t know that she was suffering from addiction at the time as well. I was blind toward it, but I knew something wasn’t right with her, and her behavior, but I was given a lot of free time to come and go. There were rules. I wouldn’t say a bad thing about my mother today. She did a good job. She saved me twice from overdose and raised a kind, gentle, loving woman—myself. I think a lot of that had to do with it.

“As time went on, I started self-medicating and not acknowledging issues and speaking how I felt. Again, I don’t mean to keep going back to the bullying in high school, but that ultimately ended up being the biggest factor in my 14 years of addiction. Had that not happened, I think I would have been able to acknowledge some things at home that were bothering me, and worries that I had. My mother wasn’t ready to come and admit it yet. That goes along with people—when they’re ready, they’re ready. You can’t force anyone into recovery. A person has to want it. Now it’s almost 16 years that she’s been clean. So I think that had a big factor to do with it.”

It sounds like instability in your home life, and your role models weren’t modeling the healthiest coping skills for whatever challenges they were facing. So you didn’t really have the resources or access to coping skills that may have helped you avoid drugs and that path.

“Well no, that’s not really accurate. I always had what I needed. I was always well taken care of. Beautiful home, clothes, but that’s not all that a lot of people need. She never, an example of my mom. One day I swung on a 3 and 0 and you never swing on a 3 and 0 in softball or baseball, but I did, and I had two RBIs. The coach walked off the field and quit. So we didn’t have a coach to proceed and my mother was the one to get off the bench and said, ‘Okay, I’ll coach.’

“So I did have support. I did have endless love that I still do today. But there was part of me that could see that my mom still was not healthy. So subliminally in my teens, I just started smoking pot, drinking beer. Addiction is a disease. Now I know that later on in life. I had lots of support, a loving sister, family. But I think that did play a smidgen in my self-medicating.”

Thank you for saying that, because I think a lot of times we think addiction looks a certain way or there is a recipe for addiction. There are plenty of people who are professionals living in beautiful homes, driving expensive cars. From the outside it looks very cookie cutter and that they have everything that they could possibly need. There are still mental-health issues or addiction issues. I’m glad you corrected me and said that, because I think it’s really important.

“Yes, it is important. A lot of people think ‘She’s got the best Nikes on and Abercrombie and oh, their life is great.’ But until you live in those four walls, eight wall, ten walls—a mansion—you don’t really know what’s going on inside people’s homes.

“Again, hats off to my mother. When people are born, they don’t come with an instruction manual. I sure gave her a run for years. But I’m glad we’re all here to enjoy each other and live prosperous, healthy years to come.”

It sounds like you’re at a place in your life when you can acknowledge that your mother and father did the best they could. I myself was able to come to that place in my journey. And it was very freeing to let go of that resentment and the blaming sometimes that happen. It starts when you’re a teenager. You wish your parents were something different than what they were. You think you were going without. Then you realize that they are people too. They are doing the best that they can.

“Yeah, absolutely. Just to go back on my father moving away. At the age of 12 or 13, I felt like he up and left me. He always said, ‘Jennifer, I had a very tough decision to make. I had to make money.’ For many years, which led to me self-medicating was my father moved away, and he had other children. Here I am and it was bitter. Suppressing and suppressing. But little did I know that my father was suffering from alcoholism out there. He was having depression. Clinical depression. Do I wish that there were more attempts made on his part and mine? Yes. But for the first time in 20 years I just had Christmas with him. It’s a wonderful feeling. Relationships and family take a lot of work. That’s why communication is one of the biggest things in life.”

It sounds like there’s a lot of honesty now in that communication.

“Yes, there is. I didn’t realize what he was dealing with while in Michigan and Illinois. And I can only imagine that divorces can be tough. For him to be how many states away trying to communicate with a teenager, me at the time. And for him to know that I was BSing him the whole time and there was really nothing he could do about it. I feel more of an attempt could have been made by him to reach out. But also, I wasn’t being honest with him. And I wasn’t honest with him for 14 years. Even when I became an adult.

“It’s a process. Recovery is a process, and it’s going to be a process for the rest of my life. But I now have tools and wonderful people to network. And a support safety net that I can go to. I’m very confident with that.”

What sort of role does spirituality play in this journey for you in recovery?

“I’m happy you asked that. I would always call on God when I was in trouble. ‘Oh, God, please don’t let me get pulled over.’ I didn’t realize until maybe a year ago that I would only call on him when I was in trouble. So for a while it didn’t sit easy with me. I felt hypocritical to him. Spirituality for me, I’m still in the process of working on that. I’m working on that. I know that my spirit is what’s most important, and I’ve got to work on keeping that spirt alive and torched up, and it goes down sometimes. I’m working on that spirituality aspect. I had a little glimpse of spirituality on my way out to Illinois, which was very ironic going to see my father. There was a priest walking around the boarding area and there was nowhere to sit, so I said, ‘Father, would you like my seat?’ and he said, “No, no, no, I’m okay. Thank you.’ And I didn’t want to push it so I said, ‘Okay, happy holidays.’ So on the returning flight I see him sitting in the same area as me getting ready to go back to Bradley. So I said, ‘Hi, Father. Did you have a good Christmas? Do you remember me?’ because I had a hat on going out. And he goes, ‘I remember you. You’re the nice young lady who offered me your seat on the way out, and it made me feel good to know that there are still people out there doing nice charity work.’ And as little as that was, we got into a discussion of how cold the world can be today. I shared very briefly what I could about my addiction and my struggles. It was almost a sign that he was on that plane, because it’s one of the things that I’m working on right now. My spirituality, my religion, my beliefs. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. When he’s done with his travels, I’d like to go see him and get more in depth with my spirituality. So it was just kind of weird how that happened.”

What are some things that enhance your spirit when you are feeling depleted?

“A lot of what my spirit is is to not want to go back to the way I was living. Early on in my recovery my higher power was my nephews. Everyone says whatever your higher power is, even if it’s that tree, whatever you believe in you believe in. My nephews were a very big part of my life and a lot of the guilt I carried was, up until they were about 9 and 10, I was in their lives consistently. And then when addiction started to kick off, I wasn’t. So they were my higher power for spirituality. Now, what keeps me going every day is the remembrance of not wanting to go back and live that way. My body is healthy. My mind is clear. I’m actually okay in my own skin now.”

It’s seems like you’re looking in the rear-view mirror now. Seeing you’re in a better place gives you strength to move forward.

“Keeping it green a little bit. Remembering where I came from. Not so much that it hinders me every day, but knowing I’m not going back there again. I’m not going back there. To be able to have this opportunity today to sit here and to be able to answer these difficult questions, that aren’t so difficult for me to answer right now. But back then, I would have been dodging everywhere. To be able to sit here in an art gallery and be able to share with you. These questions that humble me and brought me to my weakest point for several years. To see how far I’ve come.”

What have you learned about yourself in these years that you were battling addiction, even in the years that followed in your recovery?

“I’m learning a bit more about myself every day. I think we all do that as people. But one of the biggest things is that I’m kind, and I’m a good person. Although I felt like I lost that for years, my self-worth. To know I have all of these people behind me who love me and support me is enough to keep me going. I learned that every day is not going to be a good day. There are going to be days that are bad. But it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel things without numbing yourself. It’s a cleansing.”

You talked earlier about how it’s part of being human to be upset, to be angry, to be uncomfortable. I can relate to that, because I think the things that make us uncomfortable lead us to check out and be numb with whatever we use, whether it’s television, phones, shopping, sex, gambling, smoking, drugs, alcohol, food—we all do something to take that edge off. What I’ve learned in my recovery is that when you learn to sit with what makes you uncomfortable, without armoring up, without checking out, without numbing, you make peace with it. Then you no longer have to run from it. You’re no longer dodging it.

“And forgiveness. Learning to forgive yourself little by little.”

We’ve talked about a lot of different components, and recovery, your own personal recovery journey. I want to talk about the role that self-love plays in this for you. Maybe in comparison to where you were in your addiction. Where are you today with self-love?

“It’s still a work in progress. I was struggling with addiction for 14 years. I’m not going to come out of all of those feelings I had in three. Self-love? I do love myself a lot more than I did back then. Knowing that I have people behind me makes me love myself even more. I always had that love. But I was just so numb to it for years. So knowing I have all of that behind me makes me want to love myself more.

“Doing work such as working with individuals. People in general make me love myself. One of my biggest struggles today is being too kind and not keeping enough kindness for myself. Loving everybody else and putting Jenny last.

“I have a lot of love for myself. I’m getting there. Some days are better than others, but I know when I lay my head down at night, one of my father’s favorite sayings is, ‘When you lay yourself down at night and close your eyes, it’s only you and your mind in there. You and your body.’ When I lay down at night, I have a good conscience. I know I did the best that I could throughout my day. I know I wasn’t hurting anybody, including myself. And I’m working on being pure.

“I have a lot of great qualities that I was told about for years, but I’m working on that. I love myself more than I did back then. It’s an everyday process. But I know I’m a good person. And I’m wholehearted. That’s what keeps me going, along with other components.”

That touches upon something I’ve learned and share when I have the opportunity to speak. When we avoid making ourselves uncomfortable and we numb ourselves and self-medicate, protect ourselves from being hurt, we end up closing ourselves off from the joy, the beauty, and the love and support that are there. You mentioned that you had love around you all that while, but you just couldn’t see it because you were in the state that you were in.

“Yeah, my mental state—numb, numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I feel things today, which is good.”

It’s part of being human, right? Feeling things.

“That definitely plays a big role in it [laughs]!”

Is there a favorite quote or a mantra or song lyric, or a piece of advice that someone has shared with you over the years, that you would like to share today?

“There’s a Subaru commercial. There’s a girl singing in the commercial. I can’t think of the song right now, hold on, it’s coming to me: ’take back my life song.’ You know what I’m talking about? That’s my song. Sorry I can’t remember the name of it. That’s it. There are a lot of words and lyrics in that song.”

I want to say it’s called “Fight Song”

“That’s it! Fight Song.”

What does it mean to you?

“The word fight. I’ve got a lot of fight in me. Prove I’m all right song. It’s not just proving I’m all right to other people, but to myself. I’ve always loved music, dancing. Music as a whole inspires me. The Right Song. That’s it.”

How has it felt to talk about these feelings and experiences with me today?

“It’s a great high. It’s a wonderful high. The reason why it’s such a wonderful high is because my body can feel, and my mind knows that this isn’t BS. I’ve said these similar words to people over the years. But when I would drive away or lay down at night, I knew that they weren’t real. To be able to sit here today, wholeheartedly, clean, not under any substance, feeling this, has been a wonderful experience for me. It’s been a great high. And I thank you for the opportunity.”

Do you think it’s possible by sharing your experience and your journey in this way that it could potentially inspire someone else who may be listening to it or reading?

“Absolutely. One hundred percent. I stand by one hundred percent the work that you’re doing, the work that we’re all doing for everybody who’s trying to help people by sharing their stories on this recovery road. Whether it’s just one word, one phrase, one picture, it can save somebody’s life, and it can really change and alter their way of thinking dramatically. And as I has said earlier in the interview, networking. This is therapy for me. Sharing my story. If I didn’t network, I wouldn’t have met you. If it wasn’t for Recovery University, I wouldn’t have met you. So it’s all about networking. Getting out there, striving for something that you want in life. Not having to go back and live that way. Having this opportunity today with you is therapy for me. I don’t even know if there is a price I could pay for a therapy session such as this.”

[souper-salad]

uh oh oops i forgot i had sent those asks to you, the anime and zelda one!

oh my god yes!! i loved those too! the humour in saiki is priceless. i do gotta say, with haikyuu now nearing the end, im kind of sad we're not getting a full season of it instead of, what was it again, like 2 films?

thats cool!! have you ever played any other zelda game?

you are very welcome and thank you for answering. i hope you had a good weekend!

saiki k is the best, it made me laugh so hard when i first watched it

ah yeah, the end of haikyuu. makes me wanna cry. i don't want it to end, but i'm also glad theyre finishing the show!! though not sure how to feel about the 2 movies thing they're doing

the manga is super good, so at least if they manage to fuck up the last of the story we still have the manga to fall on

ah zelda games! when i was six i started playing twilight princess (never finished it, i mean i was only six and twilight princess is a challenging game!) and i would play up to the part where you become a wolf and raid the village, and then i would get bored and start the game over again. i liked playing as a "big puppy" and being a farmer. but i didn't really progress until i was a lot older

when i was 10 i tried out breath of the wild (my brother got it for chirstmas and i thought it looked fun) and i left the shrine of resurrection and went down the hill. i talked to the old man, and after that the voice told me to activate the tower. i started down the hill again and ran into a bokoblin. i got scared and turned off the wii u (yes the wii u, shut up) and didnt touch breath of the wild for a year.

eventually when i was eleven, my little sister (who was 7) was like "i wanna play breath of the wild" and she finished the great plateau after a few days. i realized i couldn't let my younger sister best me, so i took it up again and got over my fears of bokoblins. me and my younger sister took turns on the wii u and progressed through the game at around the same pace and helped each other through it. we finally beat it when i was twelve and she was eight.

i really enjoyed breath of the wild and started it all over again (because it had taken me so long to be it) and i enjoyed it like it was the first time again, due to my general forgetfulness.

a little over three years ago i picked up twilight princess again. (i had recently read the manga that was out and thought it looked fun) i beat breath of the wild, this one is probably easy i remembered thinking. it was not. i ate my words. this game took me something like 80 hours one way through. and i had to look up tutorials. it was really fun and had a lot of story and i really enjoyed it, but it was kinda a big switch from breath of the wild. a lot of dungeons and the fact that it was really linear kinda messed with me at first.

two birthdays ago i got skyward sword, and with both an open world and linear zelda game under my belt i felt pretty good, and i beat it in 40 hours or so. i really enjoyed that one and boy the story was just so,,,, hhhhhh i loved it

honestly i think its my favorite zelda game. and fyi, i played it on the wii with the wii remote motion controls. it was hard to get the hang of but i eventually got it. the story is very well done and zelda and link's dynamic is 1000000000/10 i love it

last year i played age of calamity and while it was really good, i didn't like what they did with it. overall meh for what i wanted but a good game for what it is. i main as link because that's how every other zelda game goes and i like it that way.

ive started wind waker, link's awakening and a link to the past, but have yet to finish any of them. i think i'll be starting wind waker over again because it's been a bit!!

i want more games under my belt, but right now i'm replaying skyward sword because like i said it's my favorite zelda game.

sorry this was so long but i had a lot to say!!

thanks for the ask and i hope your weekend was amazing!!

[goographix]

Summer’s End.

29 Aug 2018.

... First rain. Bliss. Awaken again.

It’s been somewhat 2 years since I last used this platform... Well, I was too bored indeed, even to post on tumblr. Those 2 years were painful but slowly evolving, devastating and then regenerating.

The truth is, it has been a far longer ride. As universal truth seems to be the fact that when you're on your highs, you've got to prepare for the lows. Whatever the case is, work, fun, education, relationships, any other -ships? You have to Learn, Try, Achieve, Enjoy and then Sum up. If your journey was fulfilling so far and you think your "great purpose" has been found... then congratulations: Rewind accordingly and play back the same great song, enhance it, get more of it on each replay.

Life in a fucking 6-word-list nutshell.

Well, sometimes life doesn't let you play the whole freakin’ album. Your tape (how hipstererecious of me) starts to get "chewed" at the joy part, it doesn't even let you to sum up. You have to guess which song you should start your listening session from this time, and maybe get lucky - or just be rightfully successful enough - to reach the finale and get the full picture.

Turns out, guessing won't help you. You've gotta rewind the whole thing back (and learn some new shit about it), or swap the cassette/lp/cd/youtube-vid/whatever with something different (and learn the shit out of it). I know it seems so obvious to some, but obviously it isn’t that obvious for everyone out there. Let alone avoiding it... anyway:

Guessing is just fucking things worse.

That Guessing part is the one when one's mental disorders start to involve, depression, anxiety, all that dark mumbojumbo kick in and get darker and darker with every unlucky guess/attempt. Eventually the one gets the idea: it's a loophole and you've got to escape and get back to the learning phase.  For me it was a 6-year-long story that eventually brought me to...

Summer 2018, Chanioland, Crete, Greece.

∙ No vacations. ∙ Swimwear worn: 0 times. ∙ Times of outdoor fun: less than my fingers’ count. ∙ State of isolation: temp. ∙ Failed courses: seems like 3/3. ∙ Workload: fair. ∙ Communication fuckups: oh so many. ∙ Music/coffee/cigarettes: LOTS. ∙ Re-evaluating everything I can remember: Done. ✓ It was an intense inner trip... a deep, total and exhaustive self-psychοanalysis, but I won't get any deeper than that for now, at least in this post.

The sure thing is, you've got to be honest to yourself, re-evaluate your needs and your ways and everything you've experienced from multiple perspectives and all that cheesy motivational quotes your auntie has posted on her fb wall. Whatever works for you... dig inwards! BUT FIRST: turn off the noise. Trying hard to be a part of it (while you obviously don’t need that and you only get unnecessarily embarrassed of yourself)  is just a waste of time, and time has been wasted for me indeed.

Time the Healer. It's about time to evolve and get involved again. Pass through and past the ruins, fix what can be fixed, and Create. It's seems like chaos out there... and I used to love it.

But right now I've got to enjoy some hazelnut-flavoured-coffee and the cool, season changing, refreshing breeze by the open window.

While this floyd-doomish-jazzy-postrockish-emotionally-exploding masterpiece is playing on repeat:

Cheers!

G.

I. Semitone.labs, our music design collective is kinda alive again, at least we have a new Instagram account: www.instagram.com/semitonelabs

II. Eternal gratitude to the few ones who managed to tolerate my self all this time. I'll be there for you no matter what, you know it.

III. It went much cheesier than what I initially thought. And I don't know shit about how tumblr works. And my english seem so rusty and limited after so many years without a stroll abroad.  Oh well, "SO BE IT." (quote by: Happy Harry Hard-on)

IV. Fuck facebook. So bored of it, too much useless info and superficial crap, just sayin’

V. Hope this excessive mumbling of me will help someone, somewhere, sometime. =)