#ive been putting it off for like 10 days we were supposed to go in 2023

[folkloregirlfriend]

i have to book a table for lunch and i don't even want to go

[azrielwingspan]

THE CYBORG WHO STOLE MY HEART (Bucky X F!reader)

A/N: I know I know, there's another Bucky fanfic that I'm already working on and yet here I am starting a whole new one. Why you ask? Because I'm a dumbass. The idea just popped up into my head and I HAD TO write it down. Hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 1 :

Chapter summary: Bucky and Sam come across a woman who seems to have lost her mind. Literally. Using Bucky’s cyborg brain, they try to figure out who she is.

Chapter warnings: Mild swearing.

You know when you're having a great dream with a hot guy that could only possibly exist in dreams ? The happiness that breathing the same air as him brings you? That's what you were feeling right now.

Eyes as blue as the ocean, veins that were easy to put an IV in and that black shirt phew. Was it possible to drool in dreams? You were going to have a great day once you woke up. That was for sure.

Why was he looking at you like that though? Weren't they supposed to be flirting with you or puckering their lips in your dreams by now? Was this supposed to be a slow burn or enemies to lovers genre dream?

"Why is she staring at me like that?" the hot guy asks the air next to him.

"She's just coming into it, give her a second." it responds back to him.

Wait, what ?

"Are we sure she's alright and not having an absence seizure?" the air voice asks.

"She's alright. Probably in shock." another voice responds.

Shock? From seeing that beautiful man in front of me? Sure.

Okay, focus.

Wait, it's a dream. Why do you need to focus?

Eyes, the colour of piss , come into focus. "Cannn youuu hearrr meee?"

"Why are you speaking like that?" you manage to ask, still trying to figure out if you'd accidentally taken shrooms.

"Not a seizure then." the voice from earlier comments.

Piss eyes looks proud of himself. "I told you, she's in shock."

If this really was a dream, it would have to be the strangest one you have had in a while. What in the actual cockfuck was happening?

"Youu areee in theee hosp-ee-taalll. Weee---" piss eyes sounded like he was having the seizure.

"Stop talking like that." you say, blinking rapidly to clear the dark spots from your eyes. Things were starting to feel more...real. A heaviness settled over your head, every breath seemed to send a slight sliver of pain through your side and your arm felt numb.

Dreams weren't usually ultra-realistic, were they? Only one way to find out now.

"Is she...pinching herself?" hot guy asks, that strange look on his face.

A set of cold hands clamp your hands down.

"HEY." you say, the slight sting of your pinch confirming your doubts.

"Self hurt or mutilation can be a side effect. We need to restrain her for her own safety." Piss eyes speaks rapidly and you hear him muttering to himself.

"I'm not...is this not a dream?" you finally ask leaving the room in pin drop silence.

"I don't think so...unless Wanda is upto something again." air voice sounds a bit unsure himself.

"Wanda?" the name seemed familiar but in this state , you could barely remember your own name.

You try to get up only to be gently pushed back down by piss eyes. "You probably shouldn't be doing that. Bed rest for the next 10 days, I'm afraid." he says not sounding apologetic about it at all.

"What even happened? And---" you're cut off by air voice.

"Where are you? Well, the Avengers compound. Now, don't get too excited and all. We can make you sign a NDA , but we aren't going to because we're hoping you're trustworthy. Stark said you might be...useful. Now, if you're feeling upto it, how the hell did you end up in the middle of a cemetry half dead?"

You blinked once, twice, thrice.

"Who is Stark?"

"Listen, man. She's got to be living under a rock if she doesn't know who Stark is. That guy has been stuffed down everyone's fucking throat." Sam tells Bucky as he takes off he looks at their new visitor.

Bucky doesn't respond and instead stares at Sam with a poker face.

"What's going on in that cyborg brain of yours?" Sam isn't phased by Bucky and his staring anymore. He was however very sure that Bucky would not be bringing home any ladies with that serial killer look.

"What if she's lying?" Bucky finally says, turning to look at the CCTV recording of the room you were in. You were sleeping again, knocked out by the pain killers.

"Lying about not knowing Stark or not being able to remember what happened to her?"

"Both."

"What purpose does that serve her?"

"Well, that's what we're supposed to find out."

“How exactly are you planning on doing that?” Crossing his arms over his chest , Sam raised an eyebrow at his cyborg friend.

“I’ll think about it.” Bucky walked past him, grabbing his jacket on the way. “With my cyborg brain.”

“I understand that you want to get some answers” you said for what seemed like the 100th time, exasperation taking hold of you. “I honestly cannot remember what happened. I’ve thought myself into a headache. I’m sorry, okay?”

Sam looked defeated as he let he shook his head. “It’s been two whole days. Now, I don���t want to seem like a dick and question you in this state but we need some goddamn answers.”

“Too late for that I guess.” you muttered under your breath.

“Huh?”

“She said ‘too late for that I guess.’” The hot guy, Bucky, was his name chimed in.

How the hell did he hear that? As if reading the question on your face, he simply said “Advanced hearing.”

Okkayyyy.

Sam on the other hand was giving you a flat look. You gave him one back.

“I’m feeling much better now. Can I atleast get out of this damn bed?” you scratched near the iv line, wanting to just rip it out. “Piss eyes told me I shouldn’t but I cannot stay like this.”

“Piss eyes?” Sam was clearly running out of patience.

“The doc. Is he even a doctor? He’s very…”

“Sort of.”

That explains it.

“She’s right.” Bucky takes a step forward, looking at Sam. “Walking around will help her recover faster.”

“THANK YOU. See , I knew you were the smart one.” you give him a wide smile to which you get a poker face in return. Embarrassing. Not letting it deter you, you pull the iv out.

“Hey !!” Sam steps forward, surprised at your show of stupidity.

Before he can reach you to help you out of bed, you’ve already stood up. Which was another stupid move considering that the entire room was spinning around. Holding on to the wall next to you for support, you blinked rapidly.

“That’s another concussion waiting to happen.” Bucky commented dryly.

After regaining some semblance of direction, you managed to stand up straight ignoring the slight stab of pain in your chest.

“Much better.” you say, taking a step forward. The pastel pink tee and pants that had been given to you did not compliment your current condition, you knew. To be quite frank, you were a good looking woman too. Always have been. Then why the hell was Bucky looking at you like he was going to stab you right then and there?

“Uhhh…now what?” your suddenly felt extremely awkward in front of the two men.

“Don’t ask me, you were the one who wanted to do this.” Sam still had an arm out, ready to jump into action in case you cracked your head on the tiles again. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Bucky make a slight movement. Thank fuck you did because the next thing you knew , you were holding a dagger 2 inches away from your chest by the handle.

Silence engulfed the room for a good 20 seconds before it was broken by a very calm “What. The. Fuck.” from Sam.

You looked at Bucky who stood in the same spot like nothing shocking had even happened. Finally a crack of a smile appeared on his face.

“Told you she was lying.”

[femdomlieeh]

Notebook of a fool ✧ Xiaojun

BFF!Xiaojun ✧ Crush!Fem!Reader

WC—3.8 ✧ k

WARNING—anxiety ✧ heartbreak ✧ crying ✧ pet names

THEMES—sfw ✧ light angst ✧ future fluff (?) ✧ best friend au ✧ crush au

NOW PLAYING—OTT ✧ IVE

A/N. 누나 (nuna) = older sister

psst! Next update is a Beomgyu smut… probably my fav smut I’ve ever written

M.LISTS—wayv ✧ latest updates ✧ read on wp

All rights reserved © femdomlieeh

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Today was one of those bad fucking days. One of those days when you can't find any positivity in anything. One of those days when you don't feel like talking to the people you love the most. One of those days when you just want to give up.

The first thing you saw in the morning was a notification of a text from your boyfriend. Looking at the white speech bubble is something you usually look forward to when you see Wonwoo's name bright up your screen, knowing he always has something entertaining to tell.

But this particular morning he said something you wish were a joke.

Wonwoo Boo💞

[ive been thinking lately and _____ i think we need a break]

Mommy🤠💦

[You're not going to tell me why?]

Seen 10:17

You asked him the first thing that came to your mind. He couldn't possibly just expect you to be OK with having a break without a reason, right?

After an hour you accepted the fact that he had left you on read and that he wasn't going to reply anytime soon.

Maybe it was because he called you _____.

He never called you by your name. Only your friends called you that. He was supposed to call you weird or cheesy pet names and nothing else! 

He left you with a headache. He left you with your bad thoughts and theories. Damn you, Wonwoo.

It was very human-like of you to be in a bad mood. Only a robot would feel nothing in this situation. The day wouldn't get any worse. You were going to make sure of it! Your mood may have been bad, but you weren't going to let anyone else get affected by it. Lashing out on innocent people because you don't feel good on the inside is something you hated doing.

Today you were going to hang out with your best friend, Xiaojun, have a picnic on a park next to the Han river. Xiaojun had packed a cute pink basket (that he had specifically bought for you two to use for picnics together since they happened at least thrice a month) which was filled with kimchi kimbap, green grapes, two clementines and some churro flavored chips and you had packed a large outdoor blanket so Xiaojun wouldn't have too much to carry. For almost a week you two hadn't met up and you both missed each other and wanted to make up for the days you had spent apart so of course you went for the nice, typical not-romantic-at-all picnic hang out session.

But no.

You weren't going to meet Xiaojun and ruin his parade with the rain cloud that was following you around wherever you went since you opened your eyes this dark morning. No, you weren't going to let the first time you two meet in such a long time be ruined by the sad news you got this ugly morning.

누나 🥰

[I can't hang out today, sorry]

Prince Junnie🦄

[why not?☹️]

누나 🥰

[I'm not feeling too well]

Prince Junnie🦄

[it's ok i'll make u some delicious soup😊]

누나 🥰

[No, you don't need to, I don't want you to get sick!]

Prince Junnie🦄

[but ive missed u sm☹️]

누나 🥰

[We'll meet another day I promise to make up for this!]

And so you put the phone gently on the table to lay on the sofa and binge watch some random show. You made sure to turn your phone off first since you knew you'd cut Wonwoo some slack in case you read any persuasive text from him — he's good with words and making you feel loved. Whilst you were looking through all the lists Netflix had created for you, which were filled with movies and series you either had already seen or weren't interested in, Xiaojun was still expectantly waiting for his screen to go bright.

She must be joking, he thought.

Unlike you, Xiaojun's morning had started out brilliant. From the moment he opened his eyes, he was smiling and full of energy, excited to hang out with you after not seeing you for five whole days. He had missed you. Spending time with you was one of his favorite hobbies! Since you two had picnics regularly you two had decided that you would take turns in deciding and packing the picnic basket and this time it was Xiaojun's turn! He had been so excited all week, planning out a shopping list days before. He had specifically purchased grapes this time because he had this fantasy of putting one in your mouth (which sounded weird, but it would feel intimate to feed you fruit) and also playing around and throwing grapes up in the air and catching them in the mouth. 

Needless to say, he liked you a little more than a best friend should and that was a bit of a problem. His friends kept telling him that it was stupid to spend so much time with you and that Xiaojun should either try to ignore his emotions or he should distance himself from you until he loses feelings, because it was unfair to hurt himself by giving himself false hopes of getting somewhere with a taken girl. 

And Xiaojun knew it. For so long, he'd known that it was a bad idea to like you. You didn't like him in the same way, and you even had a boyfriend for fuck's sake — and a really pretty one at that! But no matter how many red flags there were, he still wanted to spend everyday with you. He didn't want a week to go by without being with you. He wanted to cuddle with you on a picnic blanket. He wanted to kiss you when you visited photo booths. He wanted to share hoodies with you. He wanted to stay up late and talk until you two fell asleep in each others' arms. He wanted to be the only one you called Prince. 

Wondering why you called Xiaojun 'Prince' when you already were in a relationship with Wonwoo? Well, Prince had been Xiaojun's nickname before you even met Wonwoo (yes, you'd known Xiaojun longer than you'd known Wonwoo, yet you still found yourself in a relationship with the latter — or not anymore actually). And though your (then) boyfriend never liked it, you had convinced him it was just a friendly pet name. Because that's exactly what it was.

To you.

To Xiaojun it was the closest he'd ever feel to being your boyfriend. But you started using that pet name less and ever since Wonwoo came around and ruined everything more than it already was ruined. Xiaojun even had to change his contact name on your phone to include the word 'Prince' so you wouldn't forget to call him that.

He loathed Wonwoo.

Wonwoo was always the reason why you couldn't hang out with your bestfriend for too long, why you couldn't call him Prince on certain occasions and why you couldn't look at him as a potential boyfriend. Wonwoo was an attention thief. Not really. But it felt like it. Xiaojun was jealous of everything Wonwoo had with you.

Because your boyfriend obviously was a threat, Xiaojun felt like he needed even more of your validation than before (which was already a lot). He needed your attention. If you ignored him he'd think it was your way of telling him that you had left him completely for Wonwoo. Ridiculous! He shouldn't feel like you owe attention to him.

Your friendly fucking friendship was the closest thing Xiaojun had to being together with you in the way he really wanted, so he valued it a lot. Not having you as his girlfriend was painful enough, but not having you as even his friend would break him.

Right now you weren't validating your time together, nor your friendship — or at least it felt like it to Xiaojun. He always needed your attention and unlike normally, he wasn't getting it right now. His smile dropped and so did his excitement for the day.

Was this the end?

He knew that spending one week without each other would lead to more time for you to spend with your damn boyfriend but he didn't know it would lead to the end of your friendship. 

No way he'd bail on the picnic plans.

Prince Junnie🦄

[can i pls come over? i bought fruits for u<33 i'm sure fruits is exactly what u need right now!!]

Prince Junnie🦄

[idc if i get sick or not bc i still wanna hang out w u]

Prince Junnie🦄

[pls 누나]

Sent 11:33

You had ignored him only once before and it was a horrible experience.

The way you ignored him (on accident) was so hurtful that he had to leave the gathering that he had looked forward to for so long, confusing the other guests, to go and lock himself in a bathroom so he could cry without bothering anyone. You'd gone right after him since you knew it wasn't very Xiaojun-like to leave a fun time for no reason. After you had knocked on the door and reassured him you were his best friend and not a random person coming to make fun of him, he let you in the bathroom.

The sight you were met by was his crumbling figure on the floor and overflowing tears on his cheeks. He had thought that you wanted nothing to do with him. Stupid you didn't see the obvious signs. It was because of the fact that you hadn't paid any attention to him that Xiaojun had gotten the idea that you had grown bored of him or that you wanted to leave him for Wonwoo (he hadn't told you the latter part, of course). And weeks later you did get together with Wonwoo. And that made him cry himself to sleep for days which you never knew.

How much your lack of attention and affection for Xiaojun had affected him was scary. And a fucking sign, you idiot. Nobody gets so worked up over the loss of affection of someone they view as a friend. Ever since that incident you'd made sure to always remind him of how much you value your friendship.

Except for today.

He thought he had made it clear enough to you that you never ever should ignore him unless you really meant It. Unless you really wanted to part ways. To go from the bestest friends to cold acquaintances. Some people might think it's crazy to be this attached to a best friend but you weren't just his best friend. You were his love and happiness. Without you he didn't have either.

Five minutes passed since he triple texted you and he still had no reply. Slowly he felt how his tummy was turning into knots and how his eyes started stinging.

Prince Junnie🦄

[ur making me worried]

Prince Junnie🦄

[hey!! text me so ik u didn't die from choking on strawberry milk 누나😰]

Prince Junnie🦄

[r u ignoring me?🫠]

Prince Junnie🦄

[unless u have corona, meet me by the river at 6 if u care abt me. i need to talk to u abt smth important]

Sent 12:04

If you didn't show up he knew for sure that you had left him behind forever. If you did show up then he'd confess to you. So spontaneously he couldn't keep his feelings away from you for another year because it wasn't healthy and he knew it. He knew he would have to tell you about his feelings sooner or later. And after being without you for a whole ass week and after experiencing the cruel punishment that is being ignored and even thinking you broke your dear friendship off, he knew the time had come for him to finally woman up and confess.

Whilst he was anxiously thinking through why he made such a bold move and possibly ruined any future he had with you, the girl he loved was being lazy and stuffing her face in pillows in front of a TV.

one season of Bojack Horseman later...

Tossed between blankets and an overflow of pillows, your tummy roared like a lion. You hadn't eaten anything yet. Maybe it was time to do something other than numbing your feelings with Netflix and the drinks you had at home? As you stood up you felt heavy. You had moved maximum 100 meters in the past few hours — to go to the bathroom, then kitchen and back to the living room — and it had taken a toll on your body physically.

Fuck.

You sat back down on your sofa and brought your phone to view after hours without it.

[6 new messages from Prince Junnie🦄]

Fuck. The last message was sent so long ago. You looked at your windows. It was dark outside. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. As fast as you physically could, you put on a pair of shoes and a jacket with your aching limbs.

In just a few minutes you were on your way to the closest bus station. The whole bus ride to the river was filled with thoughts putting you down. Your favorite person in the world was sensitive about this stuff and you hurt him. You were supposed to not let your bad mood affect anybody around you. But who were you kidding? Of course something had to go wrong with an idea you constructed and analyzed for four microseconds.

Before you knew it you had arrived at the destination. You were speed walking to the river. You two always went to the exact same spot by the river since it was usually vacant, by some miracle, and had a pretty view of a bridge.

You were naive enough to think that isolating yourself from your bestfriend and your phone would help solve your problems, so you were certainly naive enough to go and check if Xiaojun was still at your meeting place hours after you were supposed to meet him. What if he wasn't there? What if he was there?

The water was shimmering from the moonlight and next to it was a bench and an athletic, tall silhouette. Your eyes widened. Could it be...? Sniffles. That's the sound that came from their direction. You walked closer and could make out the lines of a figure that was all too familiar.

"Prince?"

The silhouette turned around and though it was dark you could see that it in fact was him. You quickly sat down beside him and noticed that a couple of notebooks were scattered on the ground next to a bike. You didn't know what to do, never having seen glad Xiaojun cry. After another particularly loud sniffle you turned your attention back to him. The light of the moon exposed the redness and tears on his face. For hours he'd been outside and his face was still wet with tears.

"Why are you still out at this hour?"

He choked on his tears and rested his face in his hands, "Because I'm a fool."

"No, you're not a—"

"Why are you here?" he interrupted you.

Touché.

"You told me to meet you if I care about you."

"You come here hours later as if I don't mean anything to you," he hurried out before his voice could crack.

"I'm sorry about that. But if I didn't care about you I wouldn't show up at all," you spoke with a soft tone. The last thing you wanted was to be harsh, especially since you were the reason your best friend was upset.

"Why did you do this to me, 누나?" he looked you in the eyes as if he'd find any answers inside them.

"I promise I didn't do it on purpose. I would never hurt you on purpose," you took his hands into yours, oblivious to how the simple gesture made Xiaojun a bit hopeful on the inside.

His hands were so cold it was shocking that he was shaking because of his crying and not because of the ice-like coldness. That's what happens when you're out for hours when there's no sun — or person — to keep you warm.

"I saw the messages 20 minutes ago and got here immediately. I would never purposely ignore you, Prince."

You made sure to use his nickname in almost every sentence you spoke, silently telling him that you don't want to fight. Slowly you brought his hands to your lips and kissed them lightly, five kisses on each hand for every finger. He looked at your lovely action and felt how his tears were slowing down. The kisses didn't make him warm — maybe for a second — but at least they made him feel somewhat better inside.

"I'm so, so sorry you had to be here in the cold," you apologized and kept his hands in yours as an attempt to warm them.

One part of Xiaojun wanted to continue being mad and make you feel bad for the hurt you'd caused him but the bigger part wanted you to hold him in your arms. He loved you and couldn't stay mad at you for long even if he tried.

"I-It's OK, 누나. At least you're here now," he whispered and looked at your locked hands, admiring the sight since it may never happen again — or maybe he should make sure his hands are cold more often—

You sent him a sorrowful smile and let his head rest on your shoulder, resting your own against it as an instinct, both from being comfortable and tired.

"From now on I will check if I have any texts every hour for you," you said with an exaggerated joking voice to lighten the mood.

He giggled. You weren't even being that funny but you were both tired and sad, so anything even a tiny bit funny was hilarious to both of you.

"What did you want to tell me before, Prince?" you whispered into his fluffy hair and petted it.

Should he tell you how he feels? Should he possibly ruin this? If he told you how he truly felt, would you ever kiss him hands like you did just now? Would you ever touch him this caringly ever again? Would you continue to call him Prince? Or would all of that be gone due to your loyalty to your sweet precious boyfriend Wonwoo?

For hours Xiaojun had been outside in the cold waiting for the love of his life so he could tell her the truth. But it took time before you, the love of his life, showed up. Too long.

When a person is alone outside with notebooks filled with blank pages to write feelings and stories in, it's easy to let emotions take over. He ended up writing around seven poems. Some poems were really cheesy and written in the spirit of the moment. Some didn't even rhyme. Some were a perfect description of where he was in him non-existent love life.

But they all had one thing in common.

They were melancholic and written from the point of view of a man who was hopelessly in love with his best friend.

"Nothing. I just wanted to have a picnic with you, 누나. I was just being dramatic to convince you to come despite feeling under the weather," he lied right through his teeth.

That made no sense because you two had never been on a picnic after sunset and Xiaojun would never lie to make you come see him. But you were tired and desperate to leave the cold outside, so you chuckled lightly, believing him immediately.

"Then where are the snacks?" you asked, confused since the only things around you were notebooks, a bike and water.

"I ate them."

Laughter filled the air; your genuine one and his fake one.

You put your face in his cheek, making him blush (not that you'd notice, since his cheeks were already red from before), "Well, my tummy is a little too thin right now, so let's go somewhere."

"In the middle of the night?" he questioned.

"Yes," you smiled against his cheek and he felt it, making him smile too.

"OK."

You both were still smiling when you were picking up all the notebooks to get ready for the ride. Jokes were thrown here and there. It was as if nothing had happened. You both knew it was a misunderstanding and you valued the friendship with the other too much to put energy into arguing. And you were tired too, so the argument wouldn't even be that epic even if you tried.

"What about your bike?" 

"Oh nooo! The buses are always so full now that it's too late to take the subway!" Xiaojun whined.

"You know what? Since I was a jerk you can go take a warm bus while I ride in the cold," you said impulsively.

"B-But, 누나—" he smiled, flattered. 

"B-But nothing," you interrupted him and sat down on the bike. Anyone who had spoken to you knew you were stubborn. He laughed. The little sadness he had left was gone by now. His cheeks were dry. Still red, but not from crying, now they were red from blushing.

"OK, whatever you say, 누나."

"You brought a transport card right?" you made sure since he came by bike.

"Yes I did~ See you in an hour, 누나," he winked at you and waved with a smile brighter than the moon before running to the bus that just arrived.

You waved back to him and got ready to bike — you definitely needed a head start. But before you started you couldn't help but see something white standing out in the darkness.

It was another one of Xiaojun's notebooks. You must've been too tired to notice it when you were picking them up. Thankfully the notebook was open or else you wouldn't have noticed it as it had a dark cover. You took it into your hands. To make sure it really was Xiaojun's you needed to read at least a snippet.

You prayed it was Xiaojun's because it would be worse if you read a stranger's private thoughts than your best friend's since you already knew all him secrets. The snippet was Xiaojun's. It was from one of the pages of poems that didn't rhyme, that was very cheesy but depicted how sappy he was feeling and also told him part of the story that you never knew.

I want to feel my best friend's lips on my lips

I want, more than anything, her to call me HER Prince

You drop the book on the grass. So that's what he wanted to tell you.

[lesbolieeh]

She left behind a poem

Yuna (ITZY) ✦ Fem!Reader

WC—3.8 ✦ k

THEMES—sfw ✦ light angst ✦ future fluff (?) ✦ best friend au ✦ crush au

WARNING—anxiety ✦ heartbreak ✦ crying yuna :(

NOW PLAYING—Jenny (I Wanna Ruin Our Friendship) ✦ Studio Killers

[A/N.] 언니 (eonni) = older sister

Original ver. “The Notebook” (Somi x reader)

M.LISTS—itzy ✦ latest updates ✦ read on wp

All rights reserved © lesbolieeh

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Today was one of those bad fucking days. One of those days when you can't find any positivity in anything. One of those days when you don't feel like talking to the people you love the most. One of those days when you just want to give up.

The first thing you saw in the morning was a the notification of a text from your girlfriend. Looking at the white speech bubble is something you usually look forward to when you see Somi's name bright up your screen, knowing she always has something entertaining to tell.

But this particular morning she said something you wish were a joke.

SomSom babieboo💞

[ive been thinking lately and _____ i think we need a break]

😘🤌👅🍒🍑✂️🌈☀️

[You're not going to tell me why?]

Seen 10:17

You asked her the first thing that came to your mind. She couldn't possibly just expect you to be OK with having a break without a reason, right?

After an hour you accepted the fact that she had left you on read and that she wasn't going to reply anytime soon.

Maybe it was because she called you _____.

She never called you by your name. Only your friends called you that. She was supposed to call you weird or cheesy pet names and nothing else!

She left you with a headache. She left you with your bad thoughts and theories. Damn you, Somi.

It was very human-like of you to be in a bad mood. Only a robot would feel nothing in this situation. The day wouldn't get any worse. You were going to make sure of it! Your mood may have been bad, but you weren't going to let anyone else get affected by it. Lashing out on innocent people because you don't feel good on the inside is something you hated doing.

Today you were going to hang out with your best friend, Yuna, have a picnic on a park next to the Han river. Yuna had packed a cute pink basket (that she had specifically bought for you two to use for picnics together since they happened at least thrice a month) which was filled with tuna and kimchi kimbap, green grapes, two clementines and some churro flavored chips and you had packed a large outdoor blanket so Yuna wouldn't have too much to carry. For almost a week you two hadn't met up and you both missed each other and wanted to make up for the days you had spent apart so of course you went for the nice, typical no-homo picnic hang out session.

But no.

You weren't going to meet Yuna and ruin her parade with the rain cloud that was following you around wherever you went since you opened your eyes this dark morning. No, you weren't going to let the first time you two meet in such a long time be ruined by the sad news you got this ugly morning.

언니 🥰

[I can't hang out today, sorry]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[why not?☹️]

언니 🥰

[I'm not feeling too well]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[it's ok i'll get some soup for u😊]

언니 🥰

[No, you don't need to, I don't want you to get sick!]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[but ive missed u sm☹️]

언니 🥰

[We'll meet another day I promise to make up for this!]

And so you put the phone gently on the table to lay on the sofa and binge watch some random show. You made sure to turn your phone off first since you knew you'd cut Somi some slack in case you read any persuasive text from her — she's good with words and making you feel loved. Whilst you were looking through all the lists Netflix had created for you, which were filled with movies and series you either had already seen or weren't interested in, Yuna was still expectantly waiting for her screen to go bright.

She must be joking, she thought.

Unlike you, Yuna's morning had started out brilliant. From the moment she opened her eyes, she was smiling and full of energy, excited to hang out with you after not seeing you for five whole days. She had missed you. Spending time with you was one of her favorite hobbies! Since you two had picnics regularly you two had decided that you would take turns in deciding and packing the picnic basket and this time it was Yuna's turn! She had been so excited all week, planning out a shopping list days before. She had specifically purchased grapes this time because she had this fantasy of putting one in your mouth (which sounded weird, but it would feel intimate to feed you fruit) and also playing around and throwing grapes up in the air and catching them in the mouth.

Needless to say, she liked you a little more than a best friend should and that was a bit of a problem. Her friends kept telling her that it was stupid to spend so much time with you and that Yuna should either try to ignore her emotions or she should distance herself from you until she loses feelings, because it was unfair to hurt herself by giving herself false hopes of getting somewhere with a taken girl.

And Yuna knew it. For so long, she'd known that it was a bad idea to like you. You didn't like her in the same way, and you even had a girlfriend for fuck's sake — and a really pretty one at that! But no matter how many red flags there were, she still wanted to spend everyday with you. She didn't want a week to go by without being with you. She wanted to cuddle with you on a picnic blanket. She wanted to kiss you when you visited photo booths. She wanted to share shirts with you. She wanted to stay up late and talk until you two fell asleep in each others' arms. She wanted to be the only one you called Baby.

Wondering why you called Yuna 'Baby' when you already were in a relationship with Somi? Well, Baby had been Yuna's nickname before you even met Somi (yes, you'd known Yuna longer than you'd known Somi, yet you still found yourself in a relationship with the latter — or not anymore actually). And though your (then) girlfriend never liked it, you had convinced her it was just a friendly pet name. Because that's exactly what it was.

To you.

To Yuna it was the closest she'd ever feel to being your girlfriend. But you started using that pet name less and ever since Somi came around and ruined everything more than it already was ruined. Yuna even had to change her contact name on your phone to include the word 'baby' so you wouldn't forget to call her that.

She loathed Somi.

Somi was always the reason why you couldn't hang out with your bestfriend for too long, why you couldn't call her Baby on certain occasions and why you couldn't look at her as a potential girlfriend. Somi was an attention thief. Not really. But it felt like it. Yuna was jealous of everything Somi had with you.

Because your girlfriend obviously was a threat, Yuna felt like she needed even more of your validation than before (which was already a lot). She needed your attention. If you ignored her she'd think it was your way of telling her that you had left her completely for Somi. Ridiculous! She shouldn't feel like you owe attention to her.

Your friendly fucking friendship was the closest thing Yuna had to being together with you in the way she really wanted, so she valued it a lot. Not having you as her girlfriend was painful enough, but not having you as even her friend would break her.

Right now you weren't validating your time together, nor your friendship — or at least it felt like it to Yuna. She always needed. Your attention and unlike normally, she wasn't getting it right now. Her smile dropped and so did her excitement for the day.

Was this the end?

She knew that spending one week without each other would lead to more time for you to spend with your damn girlfriend but she didn't know it would lead to the end of your friendship.

No way she'd bail on the picnic plans.

Baby Yunanana🍓

[can i pls come over? i bought fruits for u<33 i'm sure fruits is exactly what u need right now!!]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[idc if i get sick or not bc i still wanna hang out w u]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[pls 언니]

Sent 11:33

You had ignored her only once before and it was a horrible experience.

The way you ignored her (on accident) was so hurtful that she had to leave the gathering that she had looked forward to for so long, confusing the other guests, to go and lock herself in a bathroom so she could cry without bothering anyone. You'd gone right after her since you knew it wasn't very Yuna-like to leave a fun time for no reason. After you had knocked on the door and reassured her you were her best friend and not a random person coming to make fun of her, she let you in the bathroom.

The sight you were met by was her crumbling figure on the floor and overflowing tears on her cheeks. She had thought that you wanted nothing to do with her. Stupid you didn't see the obvious signs. It was because of the fact that you hadn't paid any attention to her that Yuna had gotten the idea that you had grown bored of her or that you wanted to leave her for Somi (she hadn't told you the latter part, of course). And weeks later you did get together with Somi. And that made her cry herself to sleep for days which you never knew.

How much your lack of attention and affection for Yuna had affected her was scary. And a fucking sign, you idiot. Nobody gets so worked up over the loss of affection of someone they view as a friend. Ever since that incident you'd made sure to always remind her of how much you value your friendship.

Except for today.

She thought she had made it clear enough to you that you never ever should ignore her unless you really meant It. Unless you really wanted to part ways. To go from the bestest friends to cold acquaintances. Some people might think it's crazy to be this attached to a best friend but you weren't just her best friend. You were her love and happiness. Without you she didn't have either.

Five minutes passed since she triple texted you and she still had no reply. Slowly she felt how her tummy was turning into knots and how her eyes started stinging.

Baby Yunanana🍓

[ur making me worried]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[hey!! text me so ik u didn't die from choking on strawberry milk 언니😰]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[r u ignoring me?🫠]

Baby Yunanana🍓

[unless u have corona, meet me by the river at 6 if u care abt me. i need to talk to u abt smth important]

Sent 12:04

If you didn't show up she knew for sure that you had left her behind forever. If you did show up then she'd confess to you. So spontaneous. She couldn't keep her feelings away from you for another year because it wasn't healthy and she knew it. She knew she would have to tell you about her feelings sooner or later. And after being without you for a whole ass week and after experiencing the cruel punishment that is being ignored and even thinking you broke your dear friendship off, she knew the time had come for her to finally woman up and confess.

Whilst she was anxiously thinking through why she made such a bold move and possibly ruined any future she had with you, the girl she loved was being lazy and stuffing her face in pillows in front of a TV.

one season of Young Royals later...

Tossed between blankets and an overflow of pillows, your tummy roared like a lion. You hadn't eaten anything yet. Maybe it was time to do something other than numbing your feelings with Netflix and the drinks you had at home? As you stood up you felt heavy. You had moved maximum 100 meters in the past few hours — to go to the bathroom then kitchen and back to the living room — and it had taken a toll on your body physically.

Fuck.

You sat back down on your sofa and brought your phone to view after hours without it.

[6 new messages from Baby Yunanana🍓]

Fuck. The last message was sent so long ago. You looked at your windows. It was dark outside. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. As fast as you physically could, you put on a pair of shoes and a jacket with your aching limbs.

In just a few minutes you were on your way to the closest bus station. The whole bus ride to the river was filled with thoughts putting you down. Your favorite person in the world was sensitive about this stuff and you hurt her. You were supposed to not let your bad mood affect anybody around you. But who were you kidding? Of course something had to go wrong with an idea you constructed and analyzed for four microseconds.

Before you knew it you had arrived at the destination. You were speed walking to the river. You two always went to the exact same spot by the river since it was usually vacant, by some miracle, and had a pretty view of a bridge.

You were naive enough to think that isolating yourself from your bestfriend and your phone would help solve your problems, so you were certainly naive enough to go and check if Yuna was still at your meeting place hours after you were supposed to meet her. What if she wasn't there? What if she was there?

The water was shimmering from the moonlight and next to it was a bench and a thin, tall silhouette. Your eyes widened. Could it be...? Sniffles. That's the sound that came from their direction. You walked closer and could make out the lines of a figure that was all too familiar.

"Baby?"

The silhouette turned around and though it was dark you could see that it in fact was her. You quickly sat down beside her and noticed that a couple of notebooks were scattered on the ground next to a bike. You didn't know what to do, never having seen glad Yuna cry. After another particularly loud sniffle you turned your attention back to her. The light of the moon exposed the redness and tears on her face. For hours she'd been outside and her face was still wet with tears.

"Why are you still out at this hour?"

She choked on her tears and rested her face in her hands, "Because I'm a fool."

"No, you're not a—"

"Why are you here?" she interrupted you.

Touché.

"You told me to meet you if I care about you."

"You come here hours later as if I don't mean anything to you," she hurried out before her voice could crack.

"I'm sorry about that. But if I didn't care about you I wouldn't show up at all," you spoke with a soft tone. The last thing you wanted was to be harsh, especially since you were the reason your best friend was upset.

"Why did you do this to me, 언니?" she looked you in the eyes as if she'd find any answers inside them.

"I promise I didn't do it on purpose. I would never hurt you on purpose," you took her hands into yours, oblivious to how the simple gesture made Yuna a bit hopeful on the inside.

Her hands were so cold it was shocking that she was shaking because of her crying and not because of the ice-like coldness. That's what happens when you're out for hours when there's no sun — or person — to keep you warm.

"I saw the messages 20 minutes ago and got here immediately. I would never purposely ignore you, Baby."

You made sure to use her nickname in almost every sentence you spoke, silently telling her that you don't want to fight. Slowly you brought her hands to your lips and kissed them lightly, five kisses on each hand for every finger. She looked at your lovely action and felt how her tears were slowing down. The kisses didn't make her warm — maybe for a second — but at least they made her feel somewhat better inside.

"I'm so, so sorry you had to be here in the cold," you apologized and kept her hands in yours as an attempt to warm them.

One part of Yuna wanted to continue being mad and make you feel bad for the hurt you'd caused her but the bigger part wanted you to hold her in your arms. She loved you and couldn't stay mad at you for long even if she tried.

"I-It's OK, 언니. At least you're here now," she whispered and looked at your locked hands, admiring the sight since it may never happen again — or maybe she should make sure her hands are cold more often—

You sent her a sorrowful smile and let her head rest on your shoulder, resting your own against it as an instinct, both from being comfortable and tired.

"From now on I will check if I have any texts every hour for you," you said with an exaggerated joking voice to lighten the mood.

She giggled. You weren't even being that funny but you were both tired and sad, so anything even a tiny bit funny was hilarious to both of you.

"What did you want to tell me before, Baby?" you whispered into her fluffy hair and petted it.

Should she tell you how she feels? Should she possibly ruin this? If she told you how she truly felt, would you ever kiss her hands like you did just now? Would you ever touch her this caringly ever again? Would you continue to call her Baby? Or would all of that be gone due to your loyalty to your sweet precious girlfriend Somi?

For hours Yuna had been outside in the cold waiting for the love of her life so she could tell her the truth. But it took time before you, the love of her life, showed up. Too long.

When a person is alone outside with notebooks filled with blank pages to write feelings and stories in, it's easy to let emotions take over. She ended up writing around seven poems. Some poems were really cheesy and written in the spirit of the moment. Some didn't even rhyme. Some were a perfect description of where she was in her non-existing love life.

But they all had one thing in common.

They were melancholic and written from the point of view of a woman who was hopelessly in love with her best friend.

"Nothing. I just wanted to have a picnic with you, 언니. I was just being dramatic to convince you to come despite feeling under the weather," she lied right through her teeth.

That made no sense because you two had never been on a picnic after sunset and Yuna would never lie to make you come see her. But you were tired and desperate to leave the cold outside, so you chuckled lightly, believing her immediately.

"Then where are the snacks?" you asked, confused since the only things around you were notebooks, a bike and water.

"I ate them."

Laughter filled the air; your genuine one and her fake one.

You put your face in her cheek, making her blush (not that you'd notice, since her cheeks were already red from before), "Well, my tummy is a little too thin right now, so let's go somewhere."

"In the middle of the night?" she questioned.

"Yes," you smiled against her cheek and she felt it, making her smile too.

"OK."

You both were still smiling when you were picking up all the notebooks to get ready for the ride. Jokes were thrown here and there. It was as if nothing had happened. You both knew it was a misunderstanding and you valued the friendship with the other too much to put energy into arguing. And you were tired too, so the argument wouldn't even be that epic even if you tried.

"What about your bike?"

"Oh nooo! The buses are always so full now that it's too late to take the subway!" Yuna whined.

"You know what? Since I was a jerk you can go take a warm bus while I ride in the cold," you said impulsively.

"B-But, 언니—" she smiled, flattered.

"B-But nothing," you interrupted her and sat down on the bike. Anyone who had spoken to you knew you were stubborn. She laughed. The little sadness she had left was gone by now. Her cheeks were dry. Still red, but not from crying, now they were red from blushing.

"OK, whatever you say, 언니."

"You brought a transport card right?" you made sure since she came by bike.

"Yes I do~ See you in an hour, 언니," she winked at you and waved with a smile brighter than the moon before running to the bus that just arrived.

You waved back to her and got ready to bike — you definitely needed a head start. But before you started you couldn't help but see something white standing out in the darkness.

It was another one of Yuna's notebooks. You must've been too tired to notice it when you were picking them up. Thankfully the notebook was open or else you wouldn't have noticed it as it had a dark cover. You took it into your hands. To make sure it really was Yuna's you needed to read at least a snippet.

You prayed it was Yuna's because it would be worse if you read a stranger's private thoughts than your best friend's since you already knew all her secrets. The snippet was Yuna's. It was from one of the pages of poems that didn't rhyme, that was very cheesy but depicted how sappy she was feeling and also told her part of the story that you never knew.

i want to feel my best friend's lips on my lips

ugh how much of a cliche gay can i be haha

i don't want her to call me 'baby' only

i want her to call me 'mine'

i want to call her that too

You drop the book on the grass. So that's what she wanted to tell you.

✦ ੈ ✦ ‧₊˚ * ੈ ✦‧₊˚＊* ੈ ✦ ‧₊˚ * ੈ ✦‧₊˚＊* ✦ ੈ ✦ ੈ ✦ ‧₊˚ * ੈ ✦‧₊˚＊* ੈ ✦ ‧₊˚ * ੈ ✦‧₊˚＊* ✦ ੈ ✦

❝ Jenny, darling, you're my best friend

But there's a few things that you don't know of

Why I borrow your lipstick so often

I'm using your shirt as a pillow case

(...)

I've been doing bad things that you don't know about

Stealing your stuff now and then

Nothing you'd miss, but it means the world to me ❞

—chubby cherry; 2013

[your-queer-dad]

Hey Queer dad, I only just found this blog, but I'm writing you anyway, I Don't want to be anonymous, I want my name attached to my story I fear that I'm probably going to explain myself poorly but here goes anyway I am going to be 24 years old this May, I've been on E since 10 - 2020 Ive had to move out to live with my boyfriend of 3 years and it feels like I've all but abandoned my dreams of going through college as an engineer, things were hard to keep up with when covid struck and now I'm a trans-woman living in Georgia USA, I understand that its not as good as my home-state of New York on trans issues, but I have my BF and his Family who are supportive... I'm SCARED as of late sure I live in a fairly chill part of the state, but i'm SCARED like big time, its making my mental health journey harder, and I'm finding a lot of VERY bad thoughts creeping in, mostly about my appearance and all that, I don't look all that fem when i have trouble taking care of my day-to-day hygiene,

My dad is ""Supportive"" as far as accepting the fact that I'm his daughter now, but he and most of my extended family still doesn't use my pronouns or chosen name. My mom, well she left this world, and me alone in it, sure she was never the best to me, but she would have been the one person to support me. When she left I promised myself and her that I would take the little support I spit on and ground into the dirt as a teenager and actually be true to myself.

I know that at this point I am rambling, but I want to put meaning and journey behind my words THANK YOU, for being here for us. THANK YOU for providing a space for us to ask questions, and get parental style advice when we have no-one else and I ask of you this, how does one find community in this world when one struggles to navigate the fear she feels from the world around her?

Hi!! Thank you so much for reaching out. Honestly, it sounds like you've had such a rough time and I am really proud of you. Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it, and I'll do my best to help out.

Personal story time: I myself was (and still am sometimes) in a very similar situation myself. And it is scary, it's really isolating to see so much hate from others just for being yourself, and it makes you want to withdraw and hide. And I hid, for so long- it's really hard to show your true self in a world so full of hate and fear.

But I did, slowly, step by step. A little bit every day. Us humans, we're not supposed to be on our own. We're pack animals, like wolves or lions, we thrive off other people's company (some more than others). With mental health, when all you want to do is hide and let the world forget that you exist, what helps you the most is finding others who feel like it and can help.

Easier said than done right?

I'm still working on it, and there's never going to be a stage where you're perfect at it- but every day, just actively trying to engage with others around you, I found helped me. Not running away when people offer help, speaking to new people, finding my local queer community- just actively being aware of my surroundings and gently pushing myself to talk to new people.

The worlds a lot less scary when you have an army of support behind you.

It takes time, and energy. It's hard. And definitely baby steps, small steps. But there are so many good people out there, who will love you and accept you and value you, you just have to find them.

I'm really proud of you, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to and feel free to reach out anytime. Everything will be okay.

- dad x

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Black Heart Part 10

Regulus Black AU

Request: Will you write a Regulus x Reader fic where Regulus is older than the reader? She comes to help the Order and Regulus falls in love with her. The relationship isn’t easy because of the war and Regulus’ denial that he would be a good boyfriend.

Summary: Admitting that he was in love had never been something that Regulus wanted to do. Now that you were in his life, Regulus didn’t know how to react. Should he love you or push you away just like he had everyone else?

Rating: M

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader

Link to Part 9

______

Walking into the hospital, you couldn’t help smirking at the expression on Regulus’ face. Your poor fiancé was one step short of losing his mind. You found it amusing that just a few moments ago you were the “designated basket case” and now that title had shifted.

“Are you still okay? Nothing happening down there?”

Regulus asked nervously. You couldn’t help the giggle that left your body.

“Reg, it isn’t like the twins are just going to fall out. It could be hours…maybe even tomorrow.”

Regulus stopped walking and looked at you horrified. He knew that he was being a tad dramatic. After all, you were going to be the ones shoving babies out of your body and he was going to be standing there awkwardly but…days? Hours? What?!

“Hours? Tomorrow? I’m supposed to be like this that long?”

You raised an eyebrow.

“I thought you read the book.”

Regulus bit his bottom lip.

“Well…I did…up until the labor part. I saw the pictures and peaced out. Please don’t make me look when it comes time for that.”

You laughed again and squeezed his hand. Regulus’ admission didn’t surprise you at all. If he looked you would have been totally shocked.

“You don’t have to look. I promise everything is mostly. Oh, Merlin.”

You winced as a contraction went through you. Regulus’ face was pale as you squeezed his hand tightly.

“Contraction?”

You only nodded before taking a deep breath.

“I am never having sex again.”

You grumbled.

“You say that now.”

Regulus commented, hoping to make you smile. When you did, he felt instantly better. To say that he felt bad that you were going through this pain was an understatement. Even if it meant having children, Regulus still felt guilty for putting you in this mess.

“I have some time to think about it while I heal.”

You replied as Dr. West stepped out of the room. Her eyes widened a bit seeing you.

“Y/n, what are you doing here?”

You motioned to your stomach.

“My water broke and I’m having contractions…here we are.”

Dr. West did some mental math before nodding. Her cool calm composure returned quickly.

“I’m not surprised. If you made it full term that would have been extraordinary. Now let's get you settled.”

Half an hour later, you were settled in a comfy hospital bed while Regulus paced the room.

“Should I be doing something?”

He finally asked.

“You’re the designated basket case so continue what you are doing.”

You replied. Regulus only nodded and went back to pacing. Was he ready for this? No. Nothing within him was ready to be a parent or watch you give birth. Every day that your pregnancy progressed, he pushed the whole getting the ready part to the back of his mind. Now there was no “putting it off until tomorrow.” It was THAT day and he was a wreck.

What if something happens to her? I can’t do this alone. One child would be hard enough... Twins would be impossible. I don’t have that much patience.

Regulus thought as a nervous-looking nurse stepped into the room. You had quietly decided to leave Regulus alone to his brooding. He needed to work himself through this. If you pushed him too hard then it would be even more difficult.

You turned your attention to the nurse that you had never seen before. She gave you a small smile.

“Um…Dr. West asked me to start an IV…I’m Amber.”

You smiled and held out your arm as the poor girl nervously walked over. It didn’t take you being a doctor to know what was wrong. This poor girl was still in training and you were probably her first stick. You had seen many new nurses nearly vomit on their first patients.

“Hello, Amber. Have you done this before?”

She shook her head anxiously. Regulus stopped his pacing as his mouth dropped. Had he heard this woman correctly? She had never done an IV and you were to be her guinea pig?

Nope, not my fiancé. Someone else can be her pin cushion.

Right as Regulus was about to say something, you gently stopped him.

“That’s alright, Amber. You have to learn somehow. Now, I’m a doctor and I can walk you through it. Who is your trainer?”

Amber looked down at her feet and muttered what sounded like Nicolas. Your smile faded as you shook your head. Of course, it was Nicolas. As smart as Nicolas was, training (and apparently finding a woman) was not his strong suit. Most of the time he sent his underlings off in tears or worse off than when they left the university.

You motioned to the stool beside you.

“Well, no one’s perfect. Okay, sit down and I’ll tell you exactly what to do.”

You ignored the dark expression on Regulus’ face as you gently guided Amber along. It didn’t take you being his fiancé to know that he was annoyed. You would probably get an earful later but now you didn’t care. Amber needed to know what she was doing properly…and without tears.

“And that’s how you do it.”

You commented as Amber wrapped the medical tape over the inserted needle. Amber was clearly pleased with herself as she smiled.

“Thank you. I hope that I didn’t hurt you too badly.”

“Not at all, you did wonderfully.”

You replied, going back to focus on the contraction that was going through you. After a moment or two, you turned back to Amber.

“Don’t pay Nicolas any mind. He’s never been great at training. As smart as he is, people skills aren’t his strong point. If he gives you any trouble just…”

You stopped halfway through your sentence as a wave of dizziness surged through you. Regulus had looked up from his place beside you. He automatically stood up as Amber move to her feet as well.

“Love?”

Regulus questioned. Your face had gone from the rosy pink “I’m in labor” color to pale ghostly white. You closed your eyes, again trying ot fight the ill feeling.

“I’m going to get Dr. West.”

Amber quickly commented before rushing out of the room. Regulus watched her go nearly shouting at her to come back. Even if the poor girl was clueless at least she knew something medical. Regulus on the other hand was about as useless as useless could get when it came to anything like this.

“Y/n, please say something.”

Regulus begged, as your hand went limp in his.

“I don’t feel well.”

You managed to get out as Dr. West came running in. She moved around Amber and began checking your blood pressure.

“That’s too high…way to high.”

The older woman commented before turning to look at you. She took out her small flashlight and looked at your eyes before standing up straight.

“I need to get her to the OR right away. The longer she sits like this the worse off she can be.”

Regulus felt like someone had knocked the air right out of him. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. You were supposed to have the twins and everything be normal.

“What…is she going to be okay?”

Regulus asked as Dr. West motioned another nurse in. The older woman looked at him with a careful expression.

“That is yet to be determined. I need to get the twins out of her immediately. I’m taking her to the third floor. There is a waiting room. Go there. I will be out to give you information as soon as I can.”

“Can’t I go with her?”

Regulus asked, feeling nearly ready to faint himself. Dr. West turned back to Regulus. He knew that it was a stupid question. What was he going to do? Assist? Either way, however, it felt better than just sitting in a waiting room…waiting.

“Mr. Black, here is the situation. Y/n’s blood pressure is at a dangerously high level. If I don’t get your children out of her, she is at risk of a stroke. Now, everything is going to be fine. Go to the third floor. I promise to be out to speak with you as soon as I can.”

Dr. West didn’t give Regulus much of a chance to respond before quickly helping push you out of the room.

Regulus stood motionlessly a moment or two longer before rushing to the third floor.

I’m sitting here and not with her….what am I supposed to do if something happens?

This was the only thought going through Regulus’ mind as he anxiously paced the room. There was no way that Regulus could handle losing you! You were the best thing that had ever happened to him and he was not ready to let go.

“Reg?”

Regulus stopped his brooding to turn. Sirius stood in the doorway looking nervous.

“She’s sick…I don’t know….what if…”

Regulus couldn’t even get the words out. Sirius stood a moment longer before rushing forward and wrapping his arms around Regulus. Normally, Regulus probably would have punched Sirius for hugging him. Today, however, was different. Regulus was too busy freaking out to even think about his dislike of being touched.

“Regulus, look at me. Y/n is going to be just fine. She’s going to be fine and so will the babies. You are going to need to breathe and believe that these doctors know what they are doing. You can be with her as soon as you can.”

Regulus only nodded. He wanted to do what Sirius told him. Regulus wanted nothing more than to sit down and be totally comfortable with the knowledge these doctors were good at their job…but he couldn’t. Not when it was his fiance and his children’s lives at stake. That mess could be saved for someone else…not his family.

The following few minutes passed slowly. Sirius had sat down. He had given up on trying to talk Regulus out of his state of panic. It was pointless and Sirius knew it. Regulus wouldn’t feel better until you were safe and in the clear of any medical emergencies.

Merlin, nothing can’t happen to this woman. She is the one keeping his fragile grip on reality.

Sirius thought as Regulus paced the room. His grey eyes were constantly on the door as he stopped to run a hand through his messy hair.

It seemed as if time crept by at the speed of a snail. When the door finally opened and Dr. West stepped out, Regulus nearly ran to the poor woman.

“Is Y/n okay? The babies?”

Dr. West smiled.

“She’s fine. She’s in the recovery room. You can be with her in a moment or two. As far as the babies, you have two daughters. One of the twins is perfectly fine and I can take you to her. For the other baby, we had to take her to the intensive care department. She isn’t breathing on her own as well as would be preferred. I believe she will be just fine in a few days. She only needs a little help.”

Regulus’ heart sank. While he was thrilled to know that he had daughters and one of them was fine, knowing the other one was sickly was like another punch to the stomach.

“Does Y/n know?”

Regulus managed to ask. Dr. West nodded and put a hand on Regulus’ back to guide him toward an empty room.

“She does. I can promise you that this is totally normal with twins that are born early. I know that knowledge probably does you little comfort but the little girl will be okay, Mr. Black.”

Regulus only nodded as Dr. West moved to a small cot in the middle of the room. She reached down and picked up the little bundle before turning back to Regulus as Sirius finally caught up with them.

Sirius stood in the doorway as he watched the doctor put the baby in Regulus’ arms. He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face as he watched his little brother. Sirius never thought that he would see this. Had someone told him a year ago that Regulus would be a father, Sirius would have laughed in their face. Now, it was another story. Here Regulus stood with the most serene little smile on his face as he cradled his baby.

Regulus never thought that he could love someone that he just met so much but boy was he wrong! He was over the moon looking at the little angel sleeping against his chest! Taking one look at this little girl, Regulus was ready to rip anyone that caused her the least bit of difficulty in half.

Dr. West herself was watching with a pleased-as-punch smile.

“Have the two of you thought of names for the twins?”

She asked softly. Regulus finally looked up.

“Eloise and Emmeline. This one can be Eloise”

Regulus replied before going back to the baby in his arms. He watched with a smile as Sirius stepped over. He peeked over Regulus’ smile as the baby yawned and snuggled against Regulus’ chest.

“Merlin, she’s pretty.”

Sirius commented as Eloise opened an eye and scowled at him.

“Look at that! She even scowls at me like you do.”

Sirius said with a chuckle as Regulus glared at him. Regulus had a feeling that the little girl would spend a lot of time scowling at her uncle during her life.

“Maybe she’s mad because you named her something that sounds like a grandma's name so she’s scowling at me instead of you…to be nice.”

Sirius added with a smirk as Regulus turned to look at him. If Regulus hadn’t been holding his newborn daughter, he probably would have chucked something at Sirius.

“Leave her alone. Besides we are calling them Ellie and Emmie. It's a lot better than what our parents named us.”

Sirius had to agree with that one. He hadn’t said it but he was thankful that Regulus had broken the Black family naming tradition.

“Okay, Ellie and Emmie are cute. You made a pretty baby, Reggie.”

Regulus sighed.

“Call me Reggie again and I will head but you.”

Sirius stepped back as Ellie let out a shrill cry. Regulus nearly looked ready to give the baby back to the doctor and hide but quickly recovered. He gently rocked Ellie until her crying stopped and she went back to sleep.

Sirius didn’t make it known but he sighed with relief. Your whole pregnancy, Sirius had been quietly praying to any deity that would listen for Regulus to not be like Orion. The fact that Regulus was able to get the baby to stop crying without help told Sirius that his younger brother was going to be okay after all.

“Fine. In all seriousness, she is an adorable baby….must have got that from Y/n.”

Regulus’ eyes rolled to Sirius’ smug face.

“That is your in a seriousness? Why am I not surprised? Now stop yapping while I enjoy this moment…better yet I want Y/n to see Ellie. I’m sure she’s ready.”

Sirius nodded as Regulus turned to follow Dr. West down the hall to your room. This had been without a doubt the most stressfully chaotic yet rewarding day of Regulus’ life!

_____

@amelie-black @jessyballet @knreidy1 @georgeweasleydumbhoe @justfinishthis @mimisparkle12 @teletubiswszpilkach @criminalyetminimal @ell0ra-br3kk3r @livshifts @bxcndd @golddustwomann @siriuslyceleste @stelleduarte @millies0bsimp @coffeeaddictednymph @readtomeregulus @rogue-nyx88 @i-love-scott-mccall @buttercup-beeee @panpride @taylor-will-be-the-death-of-me @s-we-e-t-t-ea @saramaple @missgorldafirst @f4iryluvy @gugggu6gvai @jag9000 @quinis @yousmellllikecaca @mentally-unstable-hoe @haroldpotterson @goldensunshineshit @aurorasnape12 @ad-astra-again @padf00ts-l0ver @rubyroscoe1 @spideyxalmighty @lucasfilms77 @marichromatic @ravenhood2792 @play-morezeppelin @dumybitch @lostarc24 @un-lovesherself @melaninnbarbie @brokencasbutt67-writer @authoressskr @moldy-old-boot @hankypranky @summer-novak @emiwrites3reads @shaylybaby2032 @untoldshortsofthefandoms @deanwherescas @shitfacced-blog @wontlookaway @sprnaturallover @li0nh34rt @tas898 @knight-of-gleefulness @mycuddlycorner

[multiphandommess]

Good Morning To You

Reader wakes up next to their two girlfriends.

Mia POV

The sunlight peeked through the slit in the curtains of my girlfriends’ and my room. I opened my eyes to reveal beautiful sage skin. I nuzzled my face into her arm, so she put her arm over my chin. To my right, faded pink and blue hair was splayed out my chest, a pale arm around my waist. Harls was in the middle of me and Ives. Both of my girlfriends were still asleep; they looked peaceful like we were the only people in this world. I traced Harley’s tattoos on her thighs, arms, and chest; the tattoos that I knew by heart. She was only wearing a bra and panties, Ivy wearing similar attire. Harley and I had a special love of tattoos that we shared. Whenever either one of us has a particularly bad day, we go with the other as support for the new ink. However, that doesn’t mean that Ivy doesn’t love our tattoos either. Pam loves the tattoos on the back of my neck and behind my ears. She can often be found kissing or tracing the moth on my neck or the flowers hiding behind my ears. She just doesn’t like getting them as much, she likes to keep her skin more clear. Harley, however, prefers the sword and snake between my breasts and the roses on the side of my ribs. I love the diamonds that lay all over her skin. The large repeating shapes have always appealed to me, though I don’t know why. Ivy doesn’t have any big tattoos besides a singular rose on her left ankle. That one is courtesy of Pamela Isly while she was still in college, though it’s typically hidden by socks or pants. I turn to look back and my girlfriends’ faces to find stunning emerald eyes staring back at me. She offers me a sleepy smile and a yawn. I must look like a goof smiling at my girl yawning, but love makes you do strange things I suppose. Ivy and I whisper for a few minutes before I decide to get up. I carefully roll over and gently put my feet on the cold floor; it feels like a slightly cruel, wake-up call. Ivy watches as I stand up, I’m in an oversized ‘Silence Of The Lambs’ shirt that rises as I turn and stretch. I wink at Pam, who’s still staring, and walk into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee for me and Harley and the kettle for Ivy, she prefers tea to coffee sometimes so whoever wakes up always puts it on for her. As the coffee is done and the water is hot, I pour myself a cup and sit in a chair that looks out the window with a book. I moved in with Harley and Ivy, who still lived in what was once Ivy’s apartment, so there were lots of windows, and one day, I just dragged the chair over so I could look at the city and read. They sat there sometimes as well, but this was my spot. On my days off, I will often just sit here the whole day. Though, I do sometimes move to the couch to watch movies. As a neurodivergent introvert, it was important to all of us that I have my own space to call my own. Harley sometimes sits on my lap and Ivy even once, but they always ask before doing so. Despite what they do for work, they are some of the kindest and most respectful people. We were a little concerned at the beginning of our relationship about how others would react. None of us had been in a poly relationship before and we were just a little anxious, but now, 10 months in, most of that anxiety is gone. My girls joined me in the living room soon after. Harley had added fuzzy socks to her outfit to fight off the chilly weather. Outside, you could see the changing colors of the leaves. Fall is the season that all 3 of us love the most. We love Halloween and horror movies, cold weather and warm snuggles, hot drinks and cold cheeks. What’s not to love? Harley put on one of her few calm music playlists for some background noise as Ivy sat on the couch and Harley plopped onto her lap. Harls was also the first to break the silence. 

“So, are you gonna sit over there, all alone and cold? Or are you gonna come over here and get cuddled while we watch that Halloween baking show you love?” She asked, smiling. I smiled back.

“I think I’ll join you cuties,” I joked slightly, getting up and sitting on the couch next to Ives, allowing Harley to drape her legs over my lap and Ivy to put her hand on my exposed thigh under the blanket we were all sharing. The blanket was yellow, orange, and red and reminded me of the leaves falling outside our window. Gotham didn’t have too many trees that still looked good, but any fall leaves are better than none I suppose. Bud and Lou, those lazy boys, were still lying in their beds in our room and my cats were lying in their tree and on one of their various shelves around our living room. The boys were a bit confused when I brought my girls, Starling and Salem, to live with us and while they were well-behaved, they had made the hyena uncomfortable for a little bit. But now, they are like good friends, and often, you can find them lying together on our bed. The room was captured in a comfortable silence, the only thing making a sound was the TV and Starling, who had jumped up on my lap, purring. As we watched our show, Bud and Lou had trotted out to greet us and lay next to our feet on the ground. This morning had been calm and serene. Not every morning is, and I don’t know where our lives are going to take us, but I do know that there’s no one else I would rather be with. In chaos and in health, good morning to you.

[h2dden]

Little recap so you what’s happening: there is a gang called “Velvet” and nobody in town knows who are the members of this gang. You and Baji are friends from childhood who fall in love, the thing is you are keeping secret from him and you CANNOT say what. Yes , you are member of the Velvet itself but your uniform has mask so nobody recognizes you. Its hard to not tell your lover about it but something happens and he found out. Where? And when? Mostly how?….

-

-

* normal day *

Y/n- come on dude hurry up or my mom will catch us

Baji - okay “dudeee” stop overacting, she knows about us whats the big deal??

Y/n- she doesn’t know your IN MY ROOM! Now get out

-

At school*

Siera - y/n stop worrying and just tell him if thats the case

Y- how can i? Then chiara will kill me! (Chiara is captain of the velvet)

Siera - thats why i said that i dont want any kind of love! Its hard abd stressful nothing more.

Y- love is supposed to be hard but mostly its so nice to be with him, you have never been in love thats why you talk like that about it🤷‍♀️

Baji- hello

Y- oh hi

Siera- okaay ill go now lovebirds

Y- birds? He’s definitely a cockroach

Baji- thats how it is

Y- yes

Baji- okay i see, so what are we planning this special dat?

Y- i dont know i really cant think of anything right now

Baji- Ive noticed. You seem a little off is everything alright? Is there something you want to talk about?

Y- maybe, bur i dont know how to tell you

Baji- its alright, think of how to tell me but for now look chifuyu is waiting for me so ill go , dont stress yourself princess

Y- okay love , bye see you

Baji- see you

-

You were STRESSING and i mean stressing whole day! Thinking of the ways to tell him your “little secret”

And the special day you two were talking about is 3 year anniversary! ( wow!)

-

25/10/2005

Velvets secret base|~|

So my fellow people, we know how the toman is and we know something is off so do any of yall have new information?

Y- there is this guy, we were friends back then and something terrible happened but he came back suddenly and i feel that he will take revenge. There most surely will be a fight

Mathilda - well we have to be there!

Chiara- good, get more information please?

Y- sure.

-

-

8pm

Baji- this is for you because you will look amazing with this on your pretty neck

Y- oh my! This is AMAZING

Y- and this is for you!!

Baji- I KNEW IT

Y- come on! You never drive slow!

Baji kissed you

Baji - thank you baby

* puts the gift with other gifts*

You two are looking in each others eyes in his room when suddenly he leaned closer…

-

-

END

EP 1 S 1

[petrichoraline]

Favorite we are character or scene?

i love this question, nani <3 thank you so much, i saved it for a day filled with rendering and eye straining but it's been five days now so ill sit comfortably and think about it

I'll start off with the fact I'm a very out of sight out of mind type of person, i could be banging my head against the wall cause of a scene but have no reaction if it's mentioned in the future soo I'm definitely not going diligently through my memory for this hahah

my fave characters are phum, q, chain and pun - phum is a bit too relatable on top of being really sweet and q had me shocked at how solid of a crush I had on him in the earlier episodes. as for chain -he is the bestest friend there imo, he has the serious level-headed look at times but he's always in for shenanigans; he did a play in two acts just for q to admit what everyone already knew and he enjoyed getting into the role despite the fact q made out with his supposed crush and came out all smug about it (I'd be gnawing on his face); he is just chill and fun and so so caring, he will barely put up a fight and he'll scold pun just out of obligation, he's also super gentle with him and the domestic dynamic they have is partially because of chains reliable nature. smart dental student who finds time for his studies, his friend's and pun (and his random ideas) in particular. just a solid guy, 10/10 [if he'd do something about moving this stoic ship it'd be great][and he's not too observant but he has his own romance to care about and, again, he seems to be one of the few putting in the work to get that degree]

and punnn, I have a soft spot for him because poon is just perfect, in the hands of the wrong actor a character like this could really be insufferable but pun pouts a bit and opens his eyes as wide as he can and you root for him completely. I liked him since episode one (had that relatable factor about him as well but most of us aren't lucky enough to have someone clean up our messes the second they happen lol)

I'd say it's between phum and chain, I like them in different ways. also the teacher we saw in exactly two episodes (who is now also a teacher in mlmu hahah) was cool and so is ciize's character who seems like a cameo atp

now, for a fave scene... ive giffed a few so you could think it's any one of them but actually I'm still stuck on episode ..1? 2? when they grab each other's hair and phum's thumb lingers over peem's ear. I go wild for that scene every single time cause it took you this little?? getting yelled at, a kick to the balls, some banter and physical contact?? baby you were desperatee desperate 💕

now looking back it makes perfect sense, the guy is touch, attention and affection starved so the amount of contact and time spent with peem was overwhelming ..but watching it back then was like oh. pick your jaw up cause peem is not catching the signals anywayss

there are plenty plenty of scenes I liked from friendship stuff to romantic lines like "so you mustn't forget mine" but this one i keep being reminded of so 🙂‍↕️

thank you so much for the question, I had fun thinking it through ☺️💞💓💖💗

[pwblogarchive]

May 2007

May 4, 2007

ryan ross lives in my house right now.

had a falling out with myself.

we just dont speak so much anymore.

theres nobody carrying weight.

nobody with hART and sole.

im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.

i day dream at night.

i call em all in the air.

sometimes i get it right.

the things i keep inside are worth double the ones anyone knows about.

almost caught a break, but im pretty sure it was a bad throw.

youre always getting caught, so am i.

i guess we are into the same kind of things.

posted by xo at 7:35 PM

May 6, 2007

i like blowing out other peoples birthday candles and stealing their wishes.

days inn- kind of has a different meaning when its days INside my head.

shut my eyes to keep the world out.

who have you become vs. who you are supposed to be.

been shittalking so much with people who are asleep on the inside.

their veins are pumping blood but their hearts just arent in it.

they blow over legal limits and their organs have put in their two weeks notice.

sometimes i write to keep the world out.

but most of the time i write to keep my world inside.

you have no idea what i do while you sleep.

im having a 2/3rd life crisis.

i got boring.

somewhere along the way.

where the wild things are turned into where the wilde things are.

i have played russian roulette exactly once in my life.

it was the single worst thing i have ever done in my life.

it doesnt matter what the proportions are on the girl to my direct right.

or the way her heart flutters faster than a hummingbird.

just the way she looks at me sometimes.

everything about me hangs on that....

on another note, sometimes the best nights all rest on winds and conversations you have in them.

thanks.

posted by xo at 6:31 PM

May 10, 2007

“fucking nuts.”

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 12, 2007

"i can hardly stand living but im afraid to die"

semisweet shadows lit in backrooms

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

posted by xo at 11:19 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

fucking nuts.

i dont care where our heads lie,

as long as yours is close to mine.

posted by xo at 3:46 AM

May 13, 2007

“ground control to major tom…”

i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.

or when i dont smile.

like they want it to impact but be forgotten.

im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.

how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.

chaos in a wink of the eye.

and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.

what if i said its all in reverse-

iamalonewhentheyflyyououtofmylifelikeamothinforcedflightawayfromthelight.

the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.

a thumb and two fingers in.

i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.

put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.

let me change someones day.

posted by xo at 11:17 PM

May 17, 2007

“and”

if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp.

posted by xo at 12:20 AM

May 17, 2007

“semisweet shadows lit in backrooms”

would taste if they were baked into you

lost in my head

my gut has always been my compass

but lately ive been heaving it into gutters

and toilets

sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks

fuck to forget fuck to remember

you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger

its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early

or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27

i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you

or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning

i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie

i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly

your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream

informercial love affair

you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots

or at least thats the plan

if there ever is one

its like science but one i dont understand

turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.

i like standing in the rain.

i like showing up late.

i like going home early.

i like having a short fuse.

truly.

i like the madness.

i am in love with it.

the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.

thank you for that.

you have never let me down.

i am magnetized to everything you do.

and you is you who is reading this.

you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.

thank you for that.

when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.

goodnight.

remember this is real.

even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.

we are on the inside.

the cage spins the bird free.

dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.

god been thinking. its been awhile since ive done that.

except for "here and there"s

sick of all the speculation.

this means that, that means this.

this is really the only place i can speak to anyone without people in glass towers watching me.

commenting.

so thank you for that.

id do anything to keep this going forever.

even in my head when i wanted to be blown off this fucking planet i still hoped that little blue record kept spinning in your room.

the reason you havent seen a video of fall out boy on fuse is because of corporate litigation.

the same reasons for half of what makes this all feel like its falling apart.

we only did cribs because we thought it was funny. hopefully you are in on the joke. we rented fake cars, like ferraris and just goofed around the whole time.

didnt even know how to open the doors.

not sure if our sense of humor is gonna come across or whether it will be mtvified.

my best friend is a dog.

sometimes i miss being down all the time like it was a close friend that moved away.

but sometimes the inside of my head and my heart and my stomach all meet up into this wretched combination.

i just want to let myself be happy.

id give anything to not give up on this.

take care. sleep safe. i will write more when it comes to me.

May 20, 2007

i actually know someone whos middle name is danger

a cayahoga falling out. class four class five. id still take em. letters all over printed on every piece of luggage ever. you think you found gold every single time. she is the call just before the street lights go out. she is the minute before the alarm goes off. slurring and purring just like and engine or a cat after hes had a fifth. sometimes i hope i dont wake up, sometimes im scared that i wont. its funny how that scale works. its like our lady of justice peeking under the blindfold. if i could keep you still long enough id slip a rope around your finger or maybe even a silver band. detox to retox. hope and hype are just a letter off. sometimes, i try and forget that.

posted by xo at 12:03 PM

May 24, 2007

10 years at sea for one day on shore.

"And I can deal with some psychic pain

If it'll slow down my higher brain

Veins full of disappearing ink

Vomiting in your kitchen sink"

i can kind of see this thing going a couple of different ways. the screen pressed close against the side of my face. ear to the speaker cause i have smashed all the others that project the songs inside this stupid box. my face this close to the keys, taunting me. "i can do whatever i want"s, "i can eat my dinner in a fancy restraunt"s. there is no semblance of meaning. ice cold blue lips, vocal chords and toungue in the back of my head with everything i wish i could say. the tip of the iceberg of a credit check on the emotionally bankrupt. curse phone service or rejoice in it depending on which end of the line we are on. looking for the last life jacket on this sinking ship called life. throw your "overdramatic"s out the window. throw your "old you"s in your fucking face. i get it it. i got it. i gut it. the sun sets and rises on the same old mood. the world has become a dangerous place to me- in my head and outside of it. cant seem to shake it. all roads lead back nowhere. the wilderness of the inside of your brain- which seems to drive your body whenever your heart or crotch is not at the helm. i feel like a slow motion replay of a crash that never happened. wanted to be an anthem not an away message. most of the time dont want to be anything at all. when you are alone is when you audit yourself. you become who you truly are. or arent. there arent any cliffs to throw yourself upon and theres no romance in just: me.

last year i made a list of songs to listen to in the dark when you are all alone. i figured i would do the same again:

donny hathaway "a song for you"

eliott smith " a fond farewell"

the chemical brothers "close your eyes"

damien rice "9 crimes"

beck "lost cause"

beth hart "leave the light on"

the smashing pumpkins "ava adore"

david bowie "space oddity"

iron and wine "such great heights"

stevie wonder "they wont go"

saves the day "hold"

bjork "hyperballad"

bright eyes "coat check dream song"

prince "nothing compares 2 u"

the supremes "where did our love go"

ben folds "the luckiest"

jeff buckley "hallelujah"

i said "i kind of wish i was a pirate"

and she replied "you pretty much are"

how could i not love that?

May 25, 2007

everyone

is either full of diet pills or shit.

and usually its both.

May 30, 2007

“what has this become?”

a question only countered in some monster movie madness.

sometimes spewed out just before the

signal down.

the wizard of oz in reverse.

from color to black and white.

i am completely obsessed with everyone who is completely unobsessed with me.

or sometimes with life.

and by life i dont mean heartbeats and breathing.

i mean 9 to fives and becoming the suburbs.

the complete fuck off of it all being that i am completely obsessed with backyards, christmas trees and lemonaid stands.

its like the northshore is my heaven, the valley is my golden gates.

excuse mne for nodding off.

always boring myself to death.

take a chill pill.

the story of my life

the unauthorized biography written by myself.

i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.

happiness is the sand in the sea.

its just a percentage of a percentage inside a body of water,

life is just a crocodile with a ticking clock inside of it chasing captain hook.

its just i havent figured out this graceful aging thing so well yet.

im sorry baby. my heart is clumsy. but i love you in a holding your hair back kind of way.

just wanna dip my toe into death to see if its a warm bath.

anytime anything breaks me open ever i just spit out a fortune.

if it means anything i spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.

addicted to addiction.

curiosity killed the cat. but what the fuck did loyalty ever get the dog.

May 31, 2007

"i dont believe...." anymore.

i have no words.

posted by xo at 5:47 PM

[littlelillycatsworld]

sorry I'm going to rant because if I don't I'm going to freak out at a kid

so my main job I help teach kids ballet (really I'm just used to show what the teacher is expecting the kids to do)

anyway we expect that the kids will have warmed up and stretched before we get there. they are not allowed to be touching the barr (I still don't understand this but go off) any additional layers are to be removed hair up correct shoes on and phones away.

when we get into class all this has to be done then any conversation is to be stopped and complete attention is to be on the teacher.

today's class (10-14) are completely ignoring the fact the teacher is there. normally I go in 5-10 minutes before the teacher to answer any questions or whatever this also signals that we will begin soon. I couldn't today since my manager needed me. they still have there phones out and are still wearing layers.

we got maybe 15 minutes in and they start complaining that it hurts. the stuff we were doing shouldnt hurt unless they haven't stretched properly.

this obviously annoyed the teacher since he then had to spend time making sure everyone stretched appropriately the class is only an hour long. one the class got back on track someone complained that it was too hard (we where doing the most basic version that they have been doing since they where 5).

we had a group of girls talk over me and the teacher and film tiktoks. phones aren't allowed and I'm not supposed to be in videos posted on social media unless higher ups have cleared it.

like I get it they are tiered they've been at school all day they wanna be on their phones i get it. but they cannot sit and say that they want to be professional then put no work in.

they cannot complain that it hurts or say it's too hard or that they are tired. what will they do on stage when they've been dancing for hours without much of a break.

they want their big girl shoes but they are barely able to do any of the stuff expected of the big girl shoes.

their feet hurt now what will they do then when they're feet are bleeding but aren't allowed to change out of their pointes.

Ive worn my pointe shoes for around 6hrs today I've stood on point for 10 minutes because this class wouldn't shut up and pay attention.

I wasn't allowed to complain that it hurts I had to keep my face with a smile because god damnit that's what we do. I couldn't relax even if they weren't paying attention because I wasn't told to rest

please just put the work in I'm now going to ice my whole body 😭

[anxiousunicorn1124]

This isn't the end.

12/3/23 It was a Sunday.. some of the details are fuzzy on what happened earlier in the day. I was officially 10 weeks pregnant. I was still spotting a little with some cramping pain that would come every so often but man was it painful. Some time in the late afternoon/early evening I was out with my boyfriend and my mother. We went to cvs, Walmart ,Wendys and was still having pains.

We got home and I was ok for the most part. I was watching a Netflix show called Sex Education and ate my Wendys. At this point, the pain was becoming excruciating. It was like painful ass period cramps but amplified. I had to do breathing exercises to try to calm myself through the pain. I was crying on and off . After some time of going through hell, I decided I was going to try a hot bath. I let my boyfriend know while he was playing Call of Duty.

I got the water running and I go to use the bathroom before getting into the tub when I noticed I was bleeding pretty heavy. Heavier than I previously was and knew to be concerned. As soon as I realized what I was looking at, I started freaking the hell out and crying hysterically. I got myself cleaned up and situated and walked into the living room to tell my boyfriend something I really didn't want to do. I had to go to the hospital. My biggest fear was probably happening to me right now.. a miscarriage.. am I ok? is my baby ok? am I losing my baby? the panic was high.

I felt so sick to my stomach. I grabbed a garbage can and bag to bring with me as I felt like I was going to throw up at anytime. My boyfriend was so worried and stressed. I could see it all over his face. Driving very fast trying to get to emergency at RGH. At this point, the pains I was experiencing were coming in waves. Early in the day ,it was like once or twice an hour to now being 2-5 minutes apart. Later on I found out that miscarriage pains are similar to labor pains. It took about an hour or so before we got called back to get me on a bed.

I was beyond happy to have a bed, laying down was amazeballs. My man has been amazing through it all, all while trying to calm himself and be supportive. Before I laid down, I did go use the restroom. When I did, I noticed something in the toilet and I knew it wasn't a blood clot :(. My gut feeling told me that it was my baby. I didn't lose it just yet cause it wasn't officially confirmed by a doctor, but I was worried. My anxiety was still high as shit because as soon as I got semi- comfy , I threw up my dinner (thank god I brought my garbage can) smh.

I don't remember if I had the IV put in, blood work and urine sample taken before or after I threw up, but I do recall soon after being hooked up to an IV, they finally took me for an ultrasound.

The ultrasound was so awkward. Not the ultrasound itself but the room, the tech.. he barely talked to me, didn't tell me anything about what he saw( might be part of job that they aren't supposed to but not knowing was killing me).. it was just eerily silent. I was worrying, cramping in pain and trying not to freak out. I was starting to grip the bed rail and can feel my fingers getting numb/tingly which happens sometimes in high anxiety. I was so ready to go home.

We get back to the spot my bed was in the hallway and wait for what felt a million hours for a doc to come and tell me what's up. I was texting two of my friends through it all which helped some. Eventually they stopped by and wanted to do a pelvic exam. I forgot for why but at that point ,no one had said anything to me about whether or not I was still pregnant . Once the doc finished the exam, I came right out and asked.. am I still pregnant?

That's when it felt like my world exploded.

My pregnancy was no longer viable. I had miscarried. During the ultrasound there was nothing to see so I feel like I was right when I said I saw something in the toilet. It was me passing my baby:( </3

I lost it as soon as I walked back over to my boyfriend. Our hearts broke that night. so very much. once we got home, I was met outside by my brothers who gave us hugs and condolences. I wasnt expecting that and will be eternally grateful to them for being supportive. the next day I had to go to the ob just to really confirm what we already knew and yup. I lost our little nugget.

the first week was so rough for me . I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to cook, clean ..pretty much anything. I was either napping, crying or watching tv. I learned that greys anatomy is not a good comfort show after having a miscarriage. so many pregnant patients, either dying, baby dying, a miscarriage, abortions, or the good- birth, happiness, love, joy.. it was just too much.

I started back on my anxiety and depression meds. I was journaling my feelings and thoughts. I also started seeing a therapist. I already was prior to miscarriage but it helped that I could schedule a sooner appointment. I was doing all the right work I needed to help myself get through this. I know it sounds like im only focusing on me but I was definitely worried about how my boyfriend was handling it all. he stressed clean the first day after and we definitely smoked. over time it got easier everyday.. I still have moments where I cry and feel the loss. seeing reminders, or peoples pregnancy or birth announcements. im being as positive as can be. I started going to the gym again( been slacking the past two weeks but we aren't gonna talk about that haha), lost 4 lbs so far and working on trying again. Ive accepted that what happened isn't my fault. im heartbroken and still grieving but im also happy im alive and will try again. Only thing im really dreading right now is when the due date would have been and when it passes by this year. ugh.

I am sorry this was so long . If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read what I felt and experienced. I haven't publicly announced that I had a miscarriage. sometimes people on Facebook will ask or say something in regards to the pregnancy. I usually just send them a private message. it hurts having to be asked about it a lot. im also not ready to directly announcement so I figured I would come here where I was already posting updates. its also somewhere I feel safe to let it all out. Anyone who decides to read it, will read it and those who don't, don't and im okay with that. Before this ends up into a book or something, imma end it here !

[flockofdoves]

obviously there is no time that is Good or Convenient to have covid and i guess technically its good that this isn't happening to me in the middle of a time where i have more active work or school responsibilities

but also it just feels like Such bad timing in a lot of other ways

i literally Just was recovering after unrelated health problems over the past couple weeks that were making me so so fucking stir crazy i had plans to go out and really start planning my days for the rest of the summer doing things like going to rhode island again and going birding more and going to museums and stuff because i was at my fucking limit with being cooped up in my apartment recovering. but now i just gotta do that all over again for at least another 9 days from today

kinda sad about ending my summer this way. and also i'm gonna have to miss my niece's christening party when i really would like to see her again i've only seen her once since she was born :(

also there are just so so many issues surrounding my lease and roommate situation. my symptoms started on tuesday the 16th which means i should isolate til the 26th (i do not trust the new recommendations saying you can even go to work if you have covid after 5 days i think thats fucking insane and would be irresponsible of me with how extremely symptomatic i am right now)

my current lease ends on the 26th. so so lucky i don't have to move but every single thing about my roommate situation and how shes supposed to move out on the 26th is made so fucking complicated by this

because my roomate is still here the whole time i have to isolate i have to stay entirely in my bedroom outside of wearing a mask to go to the bathroom (and shutting the door and taking it off to shower or brush teeth) or quickly get food to bring to my room

and my girlfriend didnt test positive yesterday but it feels kind of inevitable considering that we sleep in the same room (and cpaps even aerosolize viruses further apparently) so its not like she can even stay in the other room for the time being while periodically checking to see if she's gotten infected

and also i put in repair requests earlier this week for issues with the apartment that preexisted me and my gf moving in but that over the past year i'd been too nervous about having maintenance come in and see how bad things were bc of my roommate until me and my gf deep cleaned last week

but the repair requests were not fulfilled within a few days and then i had to cancel them obviously once i tested positive. and so now that means i cant have maintenance fix anything til after the new lease starts... which means that we're gonna have to pay back my roommate the her entire portion of the security deposit and then pay for the repairs during our new lease for things that happened when she lived here before us...

it also kinda puts a wrench into any hopes i still kinda had of trying to reach out to anyone she knows to try to help her cat

and im sad bc i realized cats can get covid so i shouldnt even really be playing with or petting her cat over the next 10 days :(

also its gonna be so so weird bc ive already doubted that shes actually gonna move out at all and now its even more ambiguous bc like. if she ever communicated with me at all i'd find it very reasonable for her to ask to move out a little later so she doesnt have to deal with that or expose anyone shes potentially bringing to help her move or anything. but like i know shes not actually gonna communicate anything so if the 26th comes and goes and shes still here its gonna feel even weirder than it was gonna originally because i'll feel more unconfident about asserting like. you need to get out of here. when i can find a reason to understand why she'd unexpectedly need to stay a little longer

[bonesandthebees]

THE SONG U SUGGESTED IS SO INTNESSEFFGW OGKYGOD IM SO SCAREDDD

PHYTHIA WANNABEE OH FUCKFHALDHDPDJFLKSLRNFKNSD

OHMYFUCKINGGODDD

THATS WHERE U PUT MR BEASTSJFKFKLGLGKSKSFLGG

IM CRYIGNKDJSKG BEEEEE

I started reading it thinking "wow what a deep commentary about the glass society and in turn ours-" before realizing it was mr beast 😭

This song DOES fit so well damn wtf

You know, I think it's interesting that rn the pov is The Pythia rather than Wilbur, even tho he's running away from well "being" the Pythia

There's smth to be said here if i were a much smarter person... lmao

Maybe the pressure of everything and being faced with his old name makes him revert back to it

Also I just had to run to catch the bus, 10/10 running music, made me run faster i think LMAO

Oh no

THE LUNGS

OH NO

IS THAT WHAT YHE VISION WAS ABOUT?!?!?! OHMYGOD NOOOO

THE MSUCIDS GETITNG MORE ITNENSE THIS FITS TOO WELL

IS

IS TOMMY GOING TO SUGGEST

IS TOMMY GOING TO SUGGEST HE TAJES HIS BLINFOLD OFF HOLYSHTI OHMGYDO WHAYRJGUVK ISHFPEURKF

IM GONANA SCREAMMMSHFLDKF I CANT DO THIS IM ON A PUBLIC BUS OHFNUCMGNFIFJGOKDR

HOLY FUCKING SHIT OHMUGUPD

THIS IS DEF ONE OF MY FAV CHAPTERS OHKYGOD THIS IS SO GOOD BEE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OHMYFUCIJGIGOGOD I CANT DO THSI INCANT DO THIS

Im going to be sick. Im going to be sick IM GOINY-

BEE.

HOLFYCUKHIGODIDKPAOEFODPIDFOJFLDHFOFHSOFBDKFBDOFBFKGKFLF

THIS WAS NOY HOW I EXPECTED THE FIRST EYE CONTACR IN YEARS TO GO NOOO PHFJJGUDOS OHKYGOD I CANT I CANT IM GOING TO DIE OHMYGOS I AM GOIGN TO GET A HEART ATATCK AN DPERISH OHMGOD

HES WILBUR AGAIN

WHO THE FU--

OHMYGOD

THEYRE BACK ALREADY?@?$,%*=[*=%

God i can imagien how fucking smug u wrre writing this chaptehrffojgkgjfydofus

I LOVE HIM

THEY MADE IT BACK?!?! NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING TBH BUT I'LL TAKE, ILL FUCKING TAKE IT OHMYGOD

U DIDNT KILL HIM WILBUR ISTG ITS OKAY OUT OF EVERYONE FOR U TO LOOK IN YHE EYE HE WAS RHE 2ND BEST

I say 2nd best bc phil is pretty much dating death so- DHFKD

Im goingnto cry

THE UNDERWORLD

HES STILL WILBUR

I dont even know how i wanna react, idk if i wanna keysmash, scream, swear, or cry ohmygod

:( ive been waiting for this moment but also FUCKKK tbis is painful im gonna cry on this bus i can feel it sgfjfnf

I love tommy so much ohjygod

Glass tommy mvp :( i lvoe him hes so sweet:(*

And now during this emotional conversation i switch songs

Embarrassingly enough by boyscott is such a good song to listen to while reading emotional scenes in fics

FUCKK I DIDNT FINISH BEFORE CLASS oh well time to read in class amen, im almost done anyway

OOOHBH GOD THIS MIGUTVE BEEN A MISTAKE I WANNA CRY AT THEIR HUG OHHHHMJGODJDJFJDKD

Ohmygod

Tommy:(

Ohmygor

Ohmgydo

I am not okay

I am not okay

Ooooooohhhh my gosh:((((((

WHERE'S THEIR DAD, WHERE'S PHIL, HE'LL KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS, SURELY

Ooohmygod

ITS NOT THEIR FAULT!!!

Though, them not telling phil and tech about the vision is, but i dont think it would've changed anything ooohmygoodness my heart hurts:(

Bee blz how could u

(This was a fucking amazing chapter though holyshit, this is gonna be one of those scenes i reread over and over again ohmygoddd)

very glad you guys are all liking the song. it's such intense chase scene vibes and I think the electronic beats really makes it perfect for the glass universe. there was another song from the same movie soundtrack I debated listening to but then I tried to write to it and was like hmm no container park is a better track instead

well the mr beast moment is supposed to be an example of the dystopian capitalist hellscape that exists in the glass universe, and dystopian settings are meant to be exaggerated versions of the society we currently live in to point out the flaws so yeah it is commentary lol. I have a lot of feelings regarding mr beast and the contrast between the philanthropic work he does while simultaneously exploiting people's financial struggles for entertainment but that's a discussion for another day

LMAO not listening to the song while running to the bus 😭

I am so sorry for your heart rate very glad it invoked the right emotions though :) I was very smug writing this entire chapter

phil is out having a business meeting he'll get to deal with this mess in the morning

I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed!! I struggled a lot writing this bc I hate writing action scenes as you know, so I kept second guessing if the pace was good or not the entire damn time but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out in the end

[dollycas]

Sunday Salon / Sunday Post – A Week in the Life of Dollycas – Weekly Rewind – New Arrivals

The Sunday Salon is a Facebook group that has become an informal week-in-review gathering place for bloggers. It is also a place to share our thoughts about things of a bookish nature. You can also link up weekly on Readerbuzz. The Sunday Post is a weekly meme hosted by Kimberly @ Caffeinated Book Reviewer ~ It’s a chance to share news~ A post to recap the past week on your blog, showcase books and things we have received, and share news about what is coming up on our blog for the week ahead. HAPPY SUNDAY EVERYONE! I am not sure what is happening, but lately, I can't stay up as late to read, which is really messing with my schedule. Also since I took July 4 off I feel like I am chasing my tail to get caught up on my emails. Then, on Tuesday I was supposed to have a quick check-in with my radiation oncologist and then have my Zometa infusion to help prevent damage to my bones that can occur after cancer treatments. The check-in went great but when I went to have my infusion I found out my labwork showed my magnesium count was low. So after the quick 15-minute infusion, they started an IV of magnesium which has to have an extremely slow diluted flow so I wouldn't get an upset stomach. More than 2 1/2 hours later the procedure was complete. Missing most of the day put me even further behind. Wednesday I thought I was getting a handle on my work so I wrapped up my day on time to go to Thomas's last baseball game of the season. What a great time. He was so funny. When he came up to bat he shouted to us "I think I have a blister on my foot".  Then he hit the ball like a champ and ran the bases favoring his foot. When he went to the dugout his mom went to check it out and she found he had not put on the right socks. She quickly took off her socks for him to wear. He went to play in the field still favoring his foot, but his next time up to bat he shouted "it doesn't hurt anymore". I wish I had a tape of the funny voice he used. He had everyone laughing. So baseball ended on a high note with a win. Soccer practice started the next day. Both he and Charlotte will be playing soccer with their parents coaching. Those matches should be fun to watch. Friday night we hit the road to watch Remi play in a baseball tournament. The mosquitoes were out in full force. The boys were dancing and swatting on the field even after being sprayed with bug spray. Those of us on the sidelines were doing the same. They lost the game (we are blaming the bugs) but we went back yesterday for 2 more games. It was a hot one, full sun, high 80's, humid, with an occasional breeze. They lost the 1st one 10-9 and won the second 10-4. Remi pitched in both games and with some strikeouts. He also played center field and shortstop. I have to keep reminding myself this is the first year he has played and he is at the same level as the other kids. Mr. Dollycas says he is a natural athlete and Daughter #1, his mom, says he gets the skills from her. No matter where he got the skills he and his teams have been so much fun to watch. This may have been the last games with football starting soon but his coach said they have been invited to a tournament in August. The powers that be will have to decide if they will compete. On the way home from the games Remi and his parents stopped to get Papa John's Pizza and Dunkin' to celebrate and Remi slammed his finger in the door at Dunkin'. A trip to urgent care, thankfully not broken, but sprained, it looks like it hurt. Today, I will be hitting the emails again and taking some more steps to get caught up on everything. How was your week? Weekly Rewind - July 8 - 13, 2024 Monday - Sunday Salon / Sunday Post – A Week in the Life of Dollycas – Weekly Rewind – New Arrivals Tuesday - A Whale of a Murder: A Venus Bixby Mystery by Valerie Taylor #Review / #Giveaway – Great Escapes Book Tour @valerietaylorauthor @ValerieETaylor Wednesday - Cozy-ish Wednesday featuring Murder on Devil’s Pond (A Hummingbird Hollow B&B Mystery) by Ayla Rose #Review / #Giveaway @WendyTyson @AylaRose Thursday - One Big Happy Family: A Novel by Jamie Day #Review @StMartinsPress Friday - Murder by Lamplight (A Dr. Julia Lewis Mystery) by Patrice McDonough #Spotlight / #Giveaway @KensingtonBooks Saturday - Special Guest – Lawrence E. Rothstein – Author of Venetian Bind #AuthorInterview / #Giveaway Plus - Special Guest Nupur Tustin Author of Bearer of Secrets: An Art Heist Mystery (Celine Skye Psychic Mystery Series) #Author Interview #Giveaway @ntustinauthor Have an Awesome Week Everyone! Your Escape Into A Good Book Travel Agent Read the full article

[metamorphosisme]

Curls hair, puts on makeup, and new dress to pick up my man. Not only does he not acknowledge me at all but as soon as we get home he jumps in the shower then half way threw calls me over. "Me and our daughter are going over ***s house for a bbq idk how many people is gonna be there but there will be kids ectect" after I say ok and a long pause he goes "you can come if you want"... I just said it ok and made up the excuse for taking care or the baby. I just had that gut feeling that he didn't want me there, it sucks, I thought I looked ok even though I gained 5lbs back... I just wanted to feel... alright? ... anyway Then right before I leave he goes "what did you do today?" I said worked, nothing why? He goes "you smell like a dog I keep gagging.".... broke my fucking heart dude... he did ask for a kiss but then left... back for another binge once he was gone... im so fucking sad man and if I show him I'm sad he gets mad it's so ridiculous.

When he gets home I'm sleeping on the couch and I open my eyes, he looks down at me and says "why do you have that fucking face on for already". Like 😭😭 legit all I did was open my eyes.... I just went upstairs away from him he was obviously drinking.. he's been drinking for about 3 or 4 months straight everynight.. only 6 16oz millers but the "only" is me trying to tell myself it's ok because he works.... how am I supposed to tell him to kick something when I can't even cut down my fucking eating... ive gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I legit feel like the fat I can see in my face, and my stomach is puffed out, like I see it and maybe that's why he's being mean to me again.... ha... another thing we were sitting on the couch he ate this peanut butter thing and threw half on a napkin on the table, time goes by so I broke a piece off to try and he looked at me horrified, " just because I didn't eat it doesn't mean I wanted you too"..... you think it would have been a sign...

Idk if he only likes me when I'm skinny because I only like me when I'm skinny but mam screaming sick kids, his bipolar / drinking, + trying to work and running a fucking house and running everywhere the fuck else everyday is tough man... I just wanna be happy so bad. My doctor just puts me on any new medication that's on the market, my therapist said I need a psychiatrist and a nutritionist, the psychiatrist won't call me back and the doctor shit needs to be done in secret because my man doesn't believe in that.... (he went to my doctor for his bipolar and he almost killed himself multiple times from the meds..) I've been debating ozemp or the off brands but I'm seeing A LOT of people having suey thoughts on it, it's like a whole underground thing nobody is talking about and it's not like self ouchy it's like felt so low one day did some crazy shit and is now in a coma... idk man I just don't know... I just ordered elevate from avantera to see if maybe that helps with my compulsions. I don't have add as far as I know because I can take an addi and feel my body pick up... could be wrong but I've always heard if you have add and you take one you get slow so trail and error I don't believe that's my case.. oy idk now im rambling to my damn self.. Hopefully I'll read this later and maybe it will give me the strength to be strong and not give in. Eating helps for a moment like a drug but the reprocussions of it are just foul... oh ha and side note deff the weight plus my sugar cuz I'm back to being in pain.. again omad I'm done I can't go on like this... lol no eating was so easy when I was able to just work and sleep all day haha now add having to make 10 meals a day not for yourself and everyone eating different shit on top of daily stress and cleaning... lol whole shit is wild...