#still kinda wondering about the possibility of her ignoring texts enough that she still doesnt know tho lol

[flockofdoves]

obviously there is no time that is Good or Convenient to have covid and i guess technically its good that this isn't happening to me in the middle of a time where i have more active work or school responsibilities

but also it just feels like Such bad timing in a lot of other ways

i literally Just was recovering after unrelated health problems over the past couple weeks that were making me so so fucking stir crazy i had plans to go out and really start planning my days for the rest of the summer doing things like going to rhode island again and going birding more and going to museums and stuff because i was at my fucking limit with being cooped up in my apartment recovering. but now i just gotta do that all over again for at least another 9 days from today

kinda sad about ending my summer this way. and also i'm gonna have to miss my niece's christening party when i really would like to see her again i've only seen her once since she was born :(

also there are just so so many issues surrounding my lease and roommate situation. my symptoms started on tuesday the 16th which means i should isolate til the 26th (i do not trust the new recommendations saying you can even go to work if you have covid after 5 days i think thats fucking insane and would be irresponsible of me with how extremely symptomatic i am right now)

my current lease ends on the 26th. so so lucky i don't have to move but every single thing about my roommate situation and how shes supposed to move out on the 26th is made so fucking complicated by this

because my roomate is still here the whole time i have to isolate i have to stay entirely in my bedroom outside of wearing a mask to go to the bathroom (and shutting the door and taking it off to shower or brush teeth) or quickly get food to bring to my room

and my girlfriend didnt test positive yesterday but it feels kind of inevitable considering that we sleep in the same room (and cpaps even aerosolize viruses further apparently) so its not like she can even stay in the other room for the time being while periodically checking to see if she's gotten infected

and also i put in repair requests earlier this week for issues with the apartment that preexisted me and my gf moving in but that over the past year i'd been too nervous about having maintenance come in and see how bad things were bc of my roommate until me and my gf deep cleaned last week

but the repair requests were not fulfilled within a few days and then i had to cancel them obviously once i tested positive. and so now that means i cant have maintenance fix anything til after the new lease starts... which means that we're gonna have to pay back my roommate the her entire portion of the security deposit and then pay for the repairs during our new lease for things that happened when she lived here before us...

it also kinda puts a wrench into any hopes i still kinda had of trying to reach out to anyone she knows to try to help her cat

and im sad bc i realized cats can get covid so i shouldnt even really be playing with or petting her cat over the next 10 days :(

also its gonna be so so weird bc ive already doubted that shes actually gonna move out at all and now its even more ambiguous bc like. if she ever communicated with me at all i'd find it very reasonable for her to ask to move out a little later so she doesnt have to deal with that or expose anyone shes potentially bringing to help her move or anything. but like i know shes not actually gonna communicate anything so if the 26th comes and goes and shes still here its gonna feel even weirder than it was gonna originally because i'll feel more unconfident about asserting like. you need to get out of here. when i can find a reason to understand why she'd unexpectedly need to stay a little longer

[peanut-butter-parkerxx]

he died his hair prank

peter decided to prank y/n by temporarily dying his hair silver..

pairing: peter x fem!reader

status: dating

peters pov

i finally found a way to get revenge on y/n and her stupid yet believable pranks, since she loves my brown hair so much, no i did not decide to cut it aunt may would literally murder me if y/n didnt so it before her, i decided to temporarily dye it silver but she doesnt need to know its temporary ;)

y/n/n and i decided to hang out in the evening since i told her i had to go run some errands for may, thankfully she believed  it, so now im on my way to go buy some hair dye....*nervous laugh*

i got the hair dye and i took all the stuff out spreading them on my bathroom counter, i decided to record this coz i dont think ill dye my hair again any time soon, plus it felt like i was filming a youtube video

"ok so i watched a couple of videos before this coz i dont wanna mess this beautiful gem up" i said reffering to my hair "im obviously not gonna bleach it, so lets hope my hair is light enough to show the dye" i prayed and attempted to put my hair in a ponytail and it looked pretty good, i watched how y/n does it on my hair everytime we do face masks but doing it for yourself is wayyy harder

*A/N: look at this cutie 🥰 anyways back to the story*

i dyed the side of my hair first getting the dye everywhere, thank god i took the bathroom rug out so it would not get stained, and then took the bun out and sectioned it

"dont let me down brad mondo" i whispered getting even more nervous than i was before i brushed the dye of the first section "i did it" i smiled proudly but then it hit me "i did  it, i did it, this part of my hair is silver! oh my god" i was panicking, what am i doing? this is a prank this is a prank its not real calm down peter

suddenly i got a facetime call from y/n

*babyyyy 💕👀 would like to FaceTime*

lit up my screen, i panicked a bit trying to find an excuse to not answer the call or at least not show her my face, but i remembered i was in the bathroom....hopefully this excuse will work

i clicked on 'accept' and waited for her to connect

"hey babyyyy" she beamed, shes cute when shes excited but her smile faded when she couldnt see me "where are you?" she asked

"im in the toilet babe, but i couldnt not answer your call" i laughed trying to act normal and backing up from my phone as much as possible

"oh" she laughed, i wanted to grab something from the counter and i thought i did it carefully but what she said, said otherwise "wait why is your hair silver?" she asked her eyes widening

"wHAT? what do you mean?" i squeeked, i hesitantly put the undyed of my hair to the frame and she sighed in relief "my hair is brown, love nothing to worry about"

"thank god, although you kinda looked like jack frost which was kinda hot....but no no no no i prefer brown, dont even think about it" she warned, i laughed at her statement, it kinda made me more confident, maybe i would look like jack frost "anyways, ill see you in a few, im almost at my house, gotta go, byeee" she said waving her hand at the camera

"byeeee" i put my hand in the frame and waved, she laughed and ended  the call...that was close

after a few curses and an hour of dying my hair, i finished! and im pretty proud of the results, lets just hope my hair doesnt fall out

*A/N: this is the only picture i found of a guy with a somewhat wavy hair so imagine this is him but with messier hair dye and its all over his hair but not till his roots, OH and silver lmao*

so i took a photo of my hair and sent it to ned, he was with me throughout the whole process coz i needed someone to talk to, i usually annoy y/n with my daily rants but i couldnt so ned had to hear me talk abt how Mrs Barbosa gave me extra homework for being late

After I texted Ned, I got a text from y/n/n

"Babyyyy 👀💕: hey Pete, where are we hanging out? My place or yours?"

I told her that she could come to my place because I got a 'surprise' for her, i knew i had to record this so i quickly placed my phone on the desk

"YOUR BITCH HAS ARRIVEDDD!" y/b barges in, flopping on the bed next to me

"h-hey y/n/n" i said laughing at her dramatic entrance but still confused on how she didn't  notice my hair, just act casual, she moved closer to my body looking at the computer thats on my lap

"what are you doing?" she asked curious "

oh nothing, just watching guys surprise their girlfriends with dying their hair a bad color"i laughed acting as casual as possible

"oh thats funny, but if you did that to m- *looks up* *big dramatic loud gasp* PETE- I- WHA- HOW-" her eyes were as big as ever, I've  never seen her this shocked "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LUCIOUS BROWN CURLS" she shouted completely ignoring my computer and sits on my lap to get a closer look

"YOUR curls?" i laughed

"yes MY curls what happened to the light brown almost hazel in the sunlight curls?" she brushes my hair through her fingers trying to get the dye out "i dont think my brain processed this yet- WAIT YOU DYED IT RIGHT? SO THAT MEANS IT'LL STAY FOREVER?" looked down her mouth parted

"isn't  that what dying your hair means?"

"HOW ARE YOU SO CALM ABOUT THIS I MEAN ITS A WHOLE DIFFERENT COLOR, AND WHY SILVER-ISH GREY?"

"I actually really like it" I said combing my hair through my fingers but she swatted it away so she could look at it more

"babe *laughs* you said I'd look like Jack Frost" I told her tilting my head

"well Jack Frost is hot but you're hott-ER I don't want you looking like Jack Frost because I said so! I love you for who you are....especially your brown hair"

"so if I told I like it you'd be ok with it?"

"Yes if you like it and it's your choice? %100"

"so what if I said it's a prank?" She was gonna nod her head coz she thought it was like the other question but then stopped midway and widened her eyes

"your kidding"

"yes in fact I am" I laugh and point at the camera and she gasps

"you..you....YOU BITCH" she punches my chest jokingly "I ALMOST GOT A HEART ATTACK AND GOT ALL SAPPY AND MUSHY FOR YOU JUST SO YOU COULD PRANK ME?!" she shouts point her hands everywhere "You know I was like scared! Coz you said you liked it and I was like, oh no I gotta get used to this no more chocolate curls, but not as in i lied I just gotta get used to it which added more pressure than I already felt!" She stated but I only laughed even more and awed

"babe don't worry"

"I HAD A MATH QUIZ TODAY" she point at herself "AND YOUR HERE LAUGHING YOUR ASS OFF?? no wait let me sit on the bed since you like when I sit on your lap"

"no no baby I'm sorry" I said while laughing, her face was hilarious

"no you're not! and no kisses till Monday" she huffs and looks at the wall, I give her ten seconds until she turns around to ask one more question, and she did

"hop on the shower we're cleaning the white of you, you Jack Frost wannabe" well more like a demand I huffed but got up with her and turned the recording off

"neds gonna love this"

Have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening/night!

-quacksonlover

[obxdrewseph]

Tik Tok - Rafe Cameron

Description: Rafe Cameron falls for a girl he often sees in a cafe and is too nervous to talk to her, so his best friend, Topper, decides to take matters into his own hands and makes a tik tok asking if anyone can identify Rafe’s crush. Of course, she sees it and confronts him. 

P.S. pretend covid doesnt exist in this LOL

---------

“Bro, just do it.”

“No.”

“Rafe, c’mon man. When did you become such a pussy?”

“Shut the hell up man, I’m not.” 

“Then ask her out!” 

“No!” 

It was your typical Wednesday afternoon-- the college cafe was bustling with students coming in and out from classes and from students mingling with their friends.

Rafe and Topper sat in the midst of all the chaos, ignoring their econ homework to stare at Rafe Cameron’s current obsession.

“How is this girl different from any other you’ve liked? Just man up and ask for her number or something.” 

Rafe Cameron. 

Notorious player on campus. And douchebag. He was the type to sleep with a girl and kick her out of his room at 3 in the morning. He never had strong feelings for a girl, which is why Topper was baffled at the fact he kept staring at the dark haired, brown eyed plain Jane in the corner of the coffee shop. 

“Look, she’s just a pretty girl. And she just looks... shy I guess.” Rafe lamely said. He didn’t know why he wasn’t just barging up to her like he normally did at parties. Of course, those girls were clawing to get to him. He didn’t have to work as hard. 

Topper sighed loudly. “Fine, fine. If you’re gonna force my hand.” 

Rafe raised a brow as Topper slowly pulled his phone from his pocket. 

He then began to film the girl and zooming in on her face. 

“Top, what are you--”

“Ssssh.” 

After 30, long, agonizing seconds for Rafe Cameron, his best friend finally stopped filming the poor girl.

“Does anyone know this girl? This loser wants to ask her out...” He spoke as he typed.

“No wait--”

“Done. Just posted on tik tok.”

Rafe’s jaw dropped.

“What?”

“Now, we wait.” 

-------

You had a long day of classes and all you wanted to do was fall in your bed. 

But no, as a history major, you had to read 250 pages (the entire book needed to be read by the end of the week, but you were spacing), write detailed notes on them, and then start on your essay that is due next week. 

You always liked to get ahead of schedule so that your work wouldn’t pile up. 

After sitting in the cafe for an hour, you had to go home to cook dinner. You hated eating at cafes since bread just wasn’t your thing. 

Once you hit your dorm room, you checked your phone that seemed to have hundreds of notifications.

"The fuck?” You whispered out loud. As an RA, you could say whatever you wanted to in your room, but you still felt weird swearing in front of others. Which is why you whispered the words to yourself.

You dropped your bag at the door and quickly opened your phone. 

GIRL, CHECK TIK TOK 

Congrats, you’re famous! don’t forget me lol

rafe cameron ?? honeyyy get itttttt 

Confusion. That’s all you felt. You quickly clicked on the link on of your friends sent you. 

You watched the video set in as Topper, the owner of the account, zoomed in on your face at the cafe you were just in. You didn’t think you looked pretty as your hair was a mess and you hadn’t showered in a couple of days. 

Not to mention you were wearing jeans and a baggy t-shirt-- the normal college attire. 

As you read the caption, you felt your heart race at an abnormal rate. 

The words became blurry fairly quickly as your stress started to build up. You set your phone down on the counter to avoid dropping it-- you were rational enough to do that. 

You kept getting texts from your closest friends saying two words: Call me. But at this point, you couldn’t even think straight. What was a hot, popular guy like Rafe Cameron doing pining over you? And apparently being too afraid to ask you out?

Honestly, you had never been hit on in your first two years of college and you didn’t think it was going to start with Rafe Cameron, the richest guy at the school. And every straight college girl’s wet dream. 

You heard your phone buzz on the counter and you checked caller ID. It was your best friend.

You took a deep breath and answered it.

“Hey, you didn’t tell me you were dating Rafe Cameron.” She joked. 

“Shut up! Tell me what to do!!” You screamed. 

“Ok, ok, I can tell you’re freaking out and nervous, but this is a good thing! A happy thing! A guy liked you so much that he put a video--”

“His best friend posted the video--”

“As I was saying, put a video out about YOU! This is your chance to finally have the romance you’ve always dreamed of, right? You’re always pining after those book boyfriends or whatever who AREN’T REAL.”

She emphasized the last part which made you cringe. Your obsession with fictional characters was justified-- if she read, she would know. 

“Dude, this is Rafe. Rafe fucking Cameron.” She gasped at your swearing, a joke both of you had because you’ve known each other since you were children.

“Exactly, it’s Rafe motherfucking Cameron, meaning, you HAVE to go after him.” 

“No, you’re wrong! He’s Rafe Cameron! If he was really into me, he would’ve asked me out already. Literally no one can say no to him nor does anyone want to.” You bit your lip, thinking of ways to get out of this. “You know what? I bet this is a prank or something.”

“A prank?”

“Yeah, like Topper trying to embarrass Rafe by making an ugly girl ask him out--”

“First of all, don’t talk about yourself like that. And second, no, tik tok is not the place to embarrass girls. They would get roasted so hard. And third, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE.”

Contrary to your best friend, you never seriously wanted a relationship. You were the type to fantasize about falling in love and hyped up all of your friends when they had crushes, but you never truly found someone you wanted to get to know or wanted to date. 

It just seemed so outlandish to you. 

Plus, you wrote off college boys when one followed all of your roommates on instagram besides you. That kinda knocked your ego down. 

“Look, I’m just going to ignore this. I don’t think it’s going to be the love story you think so I’m gonna go.”

“Wait, y/n--”

You hung up before she could finish. 

You just couldn’t deal with her hopeless romanticism right now. 

You sighed and tied your hair into a messy bun. How could you finish your homework now? 

--------

“I don’t think she saw it.” 

Topper laughed at his nervous looking friend.

“Dude, she definitely saw it. It has thousands of likes the last time I checked and I’m pretty sure people were tagging her in the comments.”

Rafe fixed his hat so it covered his face. He definitely didn’t want his friend to notice it turning beet red. 

“I hate you dude.” 

“No you don’t.” 

Once again, the two rich boys were sitting in the same cafe they were in yesterday. They had been sitting in there for two hours now, and there was no sign of the mysterious girl who did or did not know she was tik tok famous.

“I don’t think she’s coming.” Rafe commented. On one hand, he was relieved he wouldn’t have to talk to her. But on the bigger hand, he desperately wanted to see her again. He didn’t know why he was so captivated by her brightly dyed hair or the 10 pins stuck on her backpack. She seemed so normal, yet she stuck out with all the book stickers she had on her laptop. Rafe would never tell a living soul that he liked reading YA romance novels but he felt like he could confide in this mysterious girl. 

“I don’t know. It’s still early.” Topper noted. 

“Um, excuse me?” 

The two boys’ heads shot up at the dainty voice.

You were wearing black ripped jeans with a white top; it was the most simple outfit Rafe had seen you in as you usually dressed in bright colors. He would never admit it, but he even noticed when you changed your nail polish.

What Rafe didn’t know was that your best friends held an intervention last night and told you to dress “more to his style” which included simple attire. Yet, you couldn’t fully immerse in the role and wore your favorite bucket hat that was covered in white daisies. 

“Hey,” Rafe said lamely. 

Topper immediately gathered his stuff and left you two alone. What a homie.

At Rafe’s bland answer, you smiled politely. 

“Can I sit?” You asked. Rafe nodded and gestured towards the seat. He didn’t know why he was acting so weird, but you were just so much prettier up close. 

He could see the bright red earrings you wore that matched your Nikes and noticed your clumsily applied makeup (which he knew because his sister was so good at it). It only made his heart race even faster.

“Um, so I saw the video... I’m sure you know which one I’m talking about.” 

The boy blushed.

“Yeah?” He tried to act suave and calm, but his nerves were all over the place. He felt a bit calmer seeing the girl start to play with her hair: a nervous trait his sister said most girls had. 

“Um, well, I... I was wondering...” The girl trailed off, her face turning a darker red. He almost felt bad for her, but she was so darn cute and wanted her to continue.

“Look, I’m really bad at this... and I know you’re good at it, so...” 

The boy’s ego inflated slightly. 

“So?” 

This wasn’t going the way you wanted it to go. You felt frustrated that you couldn’t even get the words out that you practiced. Your eyes prickled with tears from embarrassment; you wanted to get out of the situation as soon as possible. You didn’t know what you were thinking approaching the hottest guy in campus and expect not to be tongue tied. 

And his lack of words made you think he was just messing with you. 

You felt a gentle hand on top of yours which burst your drama bubble. You looked up and saw Rafe’s bright blue eyes full of concern, and... something else.

Dammit, he probably thinks I’m a weirdo. 

“Hey, it’s ok. Honestly, it was my friend, the one who left earlier, it was his idea to put the video up and he did it without my permission. If it were up to me, it would’ve taken a lot longer to pluck up the courage to approach you...” He confessed. 

This shocked you. Rafe Cameron... tongue tied around you?? 

“Look, let’s start over. I’m Rafe Cameron, junior, business major, and fun fact: I’m on the hockey team.” You knew all of those details, but you let him give a formal introduction. You thought it was cute that he felt the need to explain all of this to you because there wasn’t anyone at your campus who didn’t know who he was.

You held out your hand.

“Y/N, a sophomore and a history major. Fun fact: I’m an RA.” His eyes brightened at your response and shook your hand with a smile. 

He had to practice his stern handshake with businessmen his father forced him to meet, but your hands were gentle and soft, like they were afraid of hurting him. It’s been a while since someone has treated him so delicately. He liked it. 

“Well, y/n, it’s a good thing I don’t live in the dorms because I definitely would’ve tried to act up to get your attention.” He teased. 

You laughed at the response because you knew a couple of the young freshmen who made a ruckus in the lounges so that you had to come in and yell at them. 

You shrugged. “I don’t know, we could’ve met sooner if you were.” 

The flirty words flowed from you naturally and you wanted to take them back as soon as they left your mouth.

But they made Rafe Cameron blush, so you let it go.

Suddenly, his watch buzzed and he swore under his breath.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, I have a business meeting to get to. Can I get your number for uhhh... for future purposes?” 

His slight fumble of words made you grin.

“Of course.” 

I guess tik tok is good for something. 

[speakuplove]

Better an “oops ”.. than a “what if”.

**After an eventful week full of emotions and things brought to my attention, I have so much to share. I honestly do not know where to start, but I know I need to. **

We can all agree that when we go through tough times, we all think back on things we did or didn’t do and wonder what/where/how things went wrong. Whether it be relationships, friendships, work, etc. We are human. We are flawed. And sometimes our actions or words may not send the message we intended to send to someone. Kinda like when we text. We say something, but the receiving party reads it in a way you didn’t intend to sound to them. But then there are times we say or do things intending to make an impact or set boundary and the other person will do everything in their power to ignore it and just plainly not give a crap.

For the last year and a half, I allowed someone to be put on a pedestal in my life. I allowed their pain, fears, doubts to become my own. I tried to shield them from everything and anything that could hurt them. Which included taking second seat to other women from the past or present. I tried to show love and understanding. I listened to their pain and felt it. It broke my heart when they finally opened up and shared what their heart was truly feeling. Whether is was past relationships, family, friends.. any pain they felt they shared. And the person I am is a fixer. An empath. I wanted so badly to love them hard enough that they never had to shed another tear, never had another fear of history repeating, or felt another feeling of unworthiness. Because the person I saw in that moment was so broken and hurting, but also so beautiful and special, they had purpose and such an amazing soul. I put the fears of them leaving me, because of their pain, aside and did what I felt I needed to to put them back together. I put them above myself. I was fine with that, aren’t you suppose to be selfless in a relationship?

I remember a certain night, laying in bed wondering what God’s plan was here. I loved them unconditionally. I stood by their side even when I was left for someone else. Only to watch that crash and burn and have them knocking on my door again a day later. Full of regret and asking for forgiveness. Which I did. I forgave. I tried to stand my ground and let them know what hurt the most, what I wouldn’t tolerate again and how I missed them all in the same breath. Things would be fine for a few weeks, but in the back of my mind I tried to erase any doubt I had that it would last. Always worried that it would happen again if someone prettier or closer his their age came across his phone screen on that blasted facebook. I wanted so bad to be all they saw, all they wanted.

And you guessed it right, they left again. And came back. And left. Yes I know you will get only what you allow. But when does our kindness and love and commitment ever play a part in their decision making?? Does it always have to be that we are never considered? Do they feel remorse for hurting us? I would like to believe that what I have been to them was noticed. But it seemed the only things that played in their minds were all the wrong others did, which kept them from cherishing what I brought to the table. I take forever to give up on anyone. I fight til I can’t anymore. That is with anyone I know in life. But more so for people I am with. Like I shared before, I am a hopeless romantic. So I was confused on how the person who left me a note with a hand picked flower on my car while I was at work asking if I liked him and wanted to date him could be the same person that wanted to keep breaking my heart. I wondered if I could do or say somethinggggg strong enough to make an impact on their heart it would maybe crush the memories that haunt them of the ones before, and they would finally fall to their knees and look at me for who I am. For what I have endured during this time. Standing by their side through the good, bad and ugly. Because I knew in my heart the same person who cried and held me telling me they loved me so much, was so sorry for what they did to me, and would spend the rest of his life making up for the pain he put me through.. that was the real person they were. I wanted so desperately to believe the demons that clouded his judgement so frequently would eventually be gone for good and the love I would experience with them would stick. And last forever. They were WORTH it.

I always say, “say what you mean, and mean what you say”. I am a big believer in that, even tho I have failed many times and said things I didn’t mean. Not in the least. Again, us humans are flawed. I have no excuses. I do know its a flaw of mine. But what I know I would never do is give false hope to someone about something they desired more than anything in this world. Most of you do not know this, and those who know me who are reading you know details I would share on here. I am a single mom to a daughter who deserves to have a family. Her father committed suicide years ago, and since it has impacted her life by wondering who would fill his spot. As much as we weren’t apart of each others lives like most co parenting stories you have heard, she is aware that her biological father is gone and she doesnt have that option of growing up with him in her life anymore. The desire for her and I to have a father figure for her in this household is something we pray over a lot. As a parent, and having to fill that void for her as best I can, I sometimes feel as tho I have failed her. But I do know her father and I did make peace before he passed. And even tho it does not replace the pain I feel knowing he is gone, I do feel as tho I need to make him proud by finding someone who would love her the way he did.

Marriage is not to be taken lightly. I have never been married. I do not have that experience under my belt. But what I want so badly is to be with someone who will be exactly what we need and what is missing in our home. This last year was hopeful. As much as there were so many nights of doubts and pain, sleepless nights crying myself to sleep praying, I know that the good outweighed the bad until it just didn’t anymore. I was told they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. I mean just weeks ago, we discussed building a house. Down to the details of drawing up floor plans, including games rooms, a man cave, and an open wall for me to paint a decal of our shared last name. We discussed rings, possible time period for a wedding, the whole nine. Virtual try on of rings online, and promises it would happen “whether I like it or not, just be patient with me” didn’t hold true in the end. The six months before this extensive planning were rough. But now they were out of town working, and we believed absence made our hearts stronger and more focused and for the first time in our relationship it felt sincere. Secure. REAL.

Months went by and we stayed in our bubble. They came home. Shared such special memories I will always cherish. Celebrate my 30th birthday in style and felt my life was complete with them in it. Until the send out to the next job. They left. Drove 12 hours away to Florida and promised it would be ok because we belonged together. Assured me things would not change. It was going to be the same as the last job. I would be flown out again, and they would come down for Christmas. Only things didn’t go as planned. Didn’t take but a week apart for them to start their doubts again. I wondered if the amazing time we had when they were home was painful to remember and know the truth is it would be a while before they had that again with me. They would be alone. Missing me. Unable to feel my touch or kiss me when they wanted. Wouldn’t be able to roll over and pull me closer while we slept. I tried to find the pain in them to lead to me understanding of the abrupt dismissal of me. And just like that. I was single. Feeling worthless. And wondering if everything we overcame was a lie.

Weeks have passed and I have seen/heard/told of others (emphasis on that S) that have been where I should be. In the arms of someone who told me they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. The flood of doubts of myself came pouring in. It felt like I was dead weight. How was it so easy to sleep with someone else? Did they think of me at all? Did they cry after that female left, knowing it didn’t fulfill anything I ever was for them and it was a mistake? Or was it just tossed our of their mind and they forced themselves to sleep before the regret became so intense they couldn’t breath? Because on my side of that situation, I felt ugly. I felt worthless. I felt like a JOKE. How can this happen? The thought of giving myself to someone else, no matter the status of us.. no matter that we were broken up or mad at one another.. it didn’t matter. Because I still loved them. So the simple thought of showing that affection and love to another person who wasn’t them, MADE ME PHYSICALLY SICK. Yes I know men think with the other head. Excuse me... BOYS do that. Men who know what they have and dont want to lose the woman who has stood by their side through everything, wouldn’t try to pursue a stranger until they knew that it was over. The dust hadn’t even settled and someone else was already in my spot. What the hell?

I have gone over every possible thing I could have done differently. And the only thing I can think of is I should have walked away a long time ago. Not meaning they didn’t necessarily deserve the love they received from me, because partially they dont. Because they did. Everyone deserves to be loved right? I know I made a positive impact in his life, no matter what horrible things we have said and done to one another out of anger. My confusion comes from the present, theirs come from the past which affects their present. I can sit here and make excuses for them. But it all boils down to they cannot grasp the woman I am , it’s too much for them. Maybe you can say they aren’t man enough to handle it. And apparently they believe they only deserve meaningless flings and loveless sexual encounters. I was not wrong for loving someone who was incapable of loving me the way I deserve or themselves for that matter. I knew what I saw in them was worth staying as long as I did. And knowing I should have walked away, if I could do it over again I probably would do the same things over. Because I don’t regret them, I don’t regret loving them thru things we went thru, and I sincerely Iove and believe in the good I KNOW is in there. Even tho they refuse to tap into it and be a better person consistently. I look back and know the only changes I would for sure make if I could is how I lashed out in anger. Saying things I knew would hurt them like they were hurting me. I couldn’t and never did cheat, or try to. I tackled all the “what ifs” head on and left no stone unturned. I fought the good fight for the man I wanted to truly spend the rest of my life with. And maybe God will perform a miracle. Maybe we will cross paths again after we do some growing up. But if anything, it can all be chalked up to: I loved fiercely and showed my loyalty to the fullest. I just could have loved the wrong one. OOPS.