#ive been off my medication for awhile but with everything going on im like

[magnoliamyrrh]

Don't you have a psychotic father? Didn't you fear that acid might trigger psychosis in you too?

He did. Its unclear what has caused my fathers psychosis however. His mother holds that when he was young he overdosed on some medication and had a long series of epileptic-like seizures, and that this may be the source; doesnt seem too far fetched bc there have been cases of this happening, and of epileptic seizures causing religious-focused psychosis, and feelings of "heaven" and "hell." Noone else in that line of my family, or on any side of my familty, has had any kind of psychosis-inducing mental illness however, noone recently at least or noone that anyone knows of

I used to worry about it at the beggining, yes, every once in awhile I still do. I mean, before i even did psychadelics weed could have technically caused psychosis - ive met ppl in psych wards who had weed-induced psychosis who had no family history of it even; one girl who it hit after the first time she smoked, and didnt even smoke much. However, no matter how much and how frequently ive smoked, ive never come close to feeling like it was causing that - the most ive had is weed-induced paranoia and other shit, but nothing once I came down. To smoke weed was a risk in the first place, which i took, and so far its been years and nothing has hit me

When i first tried psychadelics, and acid was the first one, I knew it was a risk, one i took because I know I could handle high doses of weed without losing it, and because I was...... well. I was fucked up. anorexia bulimia suicidality a bunch of other shit, i wasnt far away from a second suicide attempt at all, and I couldnt rly see many ways out of the shitshow i was in - i figured if I didnt kill myself the anorexia or bulimia would kill me anyway...... and so, i decided to take the risk, that everything good ive heard might be worth it. And im very glad I did, bc theres a high chance id be...... either dead or much worse off today

By now ive tripped idk well over 50/60 times and have yet to feel like my brain has been pushed twoards psychosis. The most I can say is that, and this applies only to acid which I dont rly do anymore, when I did later on take probably too high doses and had rly bad trips,,,,, yea, in the middle of the bad trip i was afraid of that possibility (or more accurately afraid the trip would never end) - frankly, I think the fact that I had the strength to keep myself together and pull myself out of it got me through it; i dont know if someone else going through that experience without prior experience and the ability to try to keep it together would have had a psychotic break, idk, maybe so maybe not - maybe it wouldnt have been chemical but it would have been so traumatic that theyd have been lost in the sauce. Or maybe not........ the most i can say is that I learned my lesson w strong doses of acid, and that it did happen that I felt its effects for days or weeks after the trip - not psychosis or delusions - hard to explain, but its like the trip lingers; in good cases this is called psychadelic "afterglow," after bad or exhausting trips its not particularly pleasant

Sooo, idk. Yea, i guess it could happen, fuck it, it could happen with weed too. Its a risk I take. I don't smoke as commonly as I used to anyway, and I dont do psychadelics as often (tho frankly the times when I would do shrooms around once or twice a month were the most productive, stable, sane, happy periods of my life). I hope to God it wont, but it could, even being careful and respectful with it

....... overall though? psychadelics, and especially shrooms, have made me feel exponentially, exponentially more "sane" than I ever was before I took them..... and even particularly crazy trips managed to teach me, my brains a lot more put together and stronger than I thought it was

[ooglywooglies]

medical stuff 🔽

so recently we figured out that magically my top surgery is just covered (possibly, its technically unconfirmed but it seems likely) because my husband can dip into his retirement fund so we dont even need to go into debt or anything!

ive been processing it a bit because like, honestly ive been stressed out about this for a long time i was prepared to take up a frugality eating disorder, and we just weathered some really rough social stuff so we basically lost a lot of fundraising ability (which was already not looking good due to my disabling chronic pain) and yeah all of that is literally just melted away because of this fund we already had and didnt really know about. its superannuation and you normally cant use it before a certain age but if you have a good enough reason you can and saving my life turned out to be a good enough reason. ive been high and low about my emotions about it, sometimes angry because i wasted a lot of time and energy stressing and planning my own death about this shit but today im feeling the relief.

and anyway since we dont have to scrunch out budget or go into debt we can start thinking about other things we may want to do with our regular money and im considering that we may start looking into permanent forms of pregnancy prevention.

i would really like to get a hysterectomy, like a full everything outta there type deal because obviously giving birth is my literal actual worst nightmare, but getting pregnant isnt really safe either but its pretty expensive. and like, my uterus doesnt really give me that many problems. i still get my period but my doctor says itll probably stop soon, i get cramps but theyre not that bad i kind of just dont like the IDEA that its in there, but its fine if i have to put up with it yknow, its not like i have to see it every day.

so if were looking at just pregnancy prevention itd probably be a better idea to go either the tubal ligation or vasectomy route. i dont want to get an IUD because ive heard its painful, its not forever, it can move/slip, and i dont want to have something inserted into me like that. like i know im being a chicken but i really dont think im able to get something like that installed, i put off getting tested for hpv until literally this year bc i was too scared (luckily you can take your own sample now so i did get tested dw 👍)

tubal ligation is WAY more expensive than a vasectomy but the thing is, my body getting pregnant is the problem, and i dont know if my husband and i are always going to be together. i never want to get pregnant or give birth and i dont ever want to have kids but he thinks its possible he COULD potentially want kids, like wed just never have kids together. but if we broke up it wouldnt be off the table for him to have kids with someone else. so its like, one of these two options seems to be what we are left with, one is a lot easier to get but were not sure if we want to close that door forever (we know vasectomies are technically reversible but its not always 100% especially the more time that passes apparently)

so we have some thinking to do, weve been talking about this for awhile but we didnt think it was going to come up because the financial aspect of my top surgery was kind of a big obstacle

oh i just realized thisll take the load off pursuing a diagnosis/medication for my adhd since we wont have any debt, i wasnt gonna be able to put that off bc its pretty debilitating but i was really worried it was going to wreck out shit.

[creepycrawliesinyourwalls]

im contemplating suicide rn. its currently 5:46am, and i want nothjng more then to die. i've been imagining it, fantasizing almost. i know im getting worse. im beginning to like self harming again. i beginning to fall back in love with the pain. im unhealthy, i always have been. i need to make it to the weekends, but i know realistically if i dont do it now, ill never get it done.

i know i should just pop some seroquel i go back to sleep, but god i just want to die. i got at most 5 hours of sleep tonight.

i regret so much. i want the world to know my suffering. i might attempt, i should attempt. i want to attempt. i want to sleep. i want to be okay again. i want to feel loved again. i know i am loved, people say it to me all the time. i just cant feel it, and its not anyones fault but mine.

im a narcissist, and it took me awhile to come to terms with that. im covert, so it makes it a bit easier to cover it up in that regard. ive been thinking about telling my best friend about my npd, but i've decided its too early in the friendship for that. we're too raw.

maybe im depressed? no i know im depressed i just reallyyyy dont want to admit it. it feels like im revealing a weakness, im showing my underbelly to the hawks flying above.

i've relapsed in everyway i possibly could, ed, drugs, sh, everything. im mean, im irritatable. im everything ive never wanted to be.

im so lucky. im so unbelievably lucky to have the things i have. i believe i deserve it after everything i have and had to put up with. my friend texts me when im thinking about him. i get food whrn im hungry. i have access to medication i need to be functional. im certainly above middle class, i would even say wealthy actually. im so lucky and i deserve every last bit, but its hard to believe i even gave it. i cant feel the gratitude i normally have.

my siblings are spoiled. entitled, id even say. ive worked to be alive, i've worked for the right to have what i have. and they think its normal for us to be so well off.

im gonna take my seroquel. i dont know if i believe any of what im saying. i just dont know.

[aemiliu-aa]

Tis why I've been so absent; I haven't lost interest in writing or interacting with people, I'm just A MESS 💀

Depression is hitting me with intense ferocity as of late and I've been trying to ignore it and be optimistic but WOW it's difficult

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[regesc]

okay listen to me im rlly feeling like this vine right here rn but here is some trans noct talk that involves ig.nis bcus its important to me & i cant believe i havent talked about it in detail yet!!

cause ive mentioned before that noctis came out to all three of them before the road trip, but he had separate experiences of coming out individually to them, the most important 2 him being ignis.

because ysee!! he could get away with being ‘boyish’ with prompto: prompto was about as experienced with gender as he was & for most of their teens just figured noct was a bit of a tomboy, & noct never gave him any reason to think otherwise. with gladio, though they spent time together it was rarely outside of training for awhile & when it was outside of training personal issues rarely came up; noctis chose to omit them, focusing instead on building a bond with his shield.

the one who saw it all was ignis.

ignis SAW noctis experience dysphoria as he grew:  saw the already quiet kid fester into something even more distant, saw them hurt themselves binding with bandages (brushed off as a ‘they just hurt okay, my bra didnt fit’) saw them sink into depressive fits where they hid in bed & saw them grow to hate their status, being called the future queen, being adorned in gowns & laurels & watched by all as they grew into their body.

watched them chop their long hair off in the bathroom sink one night when it all came to a head, sobbing & crying into ignis’ chest because coming out was never an option to them. because he didn’t have words to explain what he was going through. he only had the anger, the pain, the knowledge that hiding & hurting was his new normal.

‘whats wrong with me!’ he’d asked, never expecting an answer.

because coming out to his father was not an option: though i fully believe regis would have been understanding, the first time he’d seen noctis rejecting his womanhood he had panicked as the inexperienced do; he knows only the negatives, knows only how trans people suffer, knew nothing of how much he was suffering to hide it & in reacting the way he did, shut noctis out for a long, long time - he would have loved his son, had he known better.

but ignis understood!

‘theres nothing wrong with you,’ he had explained as they sat at the kitchen table, ignis taking scissors to the mess he’d made to try and fix it for him. he went on to explain the things noctis was feeling, letting him know what he could do to help himself, letting him know he wasn’t alone. there wasn’t much he could do for him medically, noctis had to make that choice himself: but he could fix his hair, he could buy him new clothes, he could stand by him in this as he had in everything else.

(that night they ate junk food and noctis made ignis play the entirety of AC3.)

before noctis chose his own name, he stopped addressing him by name; ‘your highness’, a nickname that stuck for a long time after.

anyway this is a story about how one influence in your life can change you for the better & why information is important !!

[rabbithaver]

tw: anxiety, panic attack, emotionally abusive parent?? (in the past), self hate, overstimulation

a nyway im anxious as FUCK abt the road trip i have coming up and im having a panic attack��

im so fuckignn tired!!!! ive been havingg panic attacks on and off for 4 days, whch is the worst its been in a LONG time. we’re gonna b camping w/ extended family in the Uinta mtns, which is a 9 hr drive. im gonna be stuck in the mountains with no internet to escape to.

this is my first road trip w/o teddy. without myy boy. i miss him,. i dont know wwhat im going to do. im going to be stuck in a cramped SUV w/ minimal AC bc its startin to break, and im wildly heat-intolerant, im going to get sick. 

my last pair of headphones broke awhile ago. i forgot abt that, and i spent thelast of my money on NASA stuff bc im a fucking dipshit. ive spent the last nine days being fucking petrified abt this because those were my coping mechanism. i put in headphones an block out the world. thats how i handled Long Trips . but when i dont have them i dont have an escape from the world. there’s so much noise and activity and it’s EVERYWHERE and i can’t function, it’s like an angry hornets’ nest in my head and i have a melt down. my senses just explode and i cant do anything

my mom asked abt this last night and. i immediately had probably the worst panic attack ive had in 2 years. it just exploded and i told her all of this and idk. my parents have been trying to get me to pay w things w my own money but theyre my only source of money bc im disabled. before i had the panic attack in front of my mom, both my parents would tell me “thats too fuckin bad” and “yeah that sucks whatever, u shouldnt have wasted ur money then” whenever i tried to tel them how badly i was doing w/o the headphones.

i guess the panic attack made my mom realize im. fucking useless bc she told me to find a pair of nice headphones on amazon and idk they’ll be here soon

but 

a few yrs ago i overheard my dad tell my mom “everything [they] do is just to manipulate you. everything. don’t feel bad for [them], don’t fall for [their] shit,” when i was havig a really bad meltdown one night over grades and school

i feel like im just manipulating her into buying these for me. i should have had to pay for them myself like an Adult. instead i had a panic attack and it made her feel bad, and when i told her she shouldnt be doing this she said, “it’s okay, this is a medical thing and i know it’s important.” but it isn’t? nobody *NEEDS* headphones??? im just a manipulative piece of shit what !!!

i dont want to suffer and i am grateful that shes buying these for me but. im. i dont deserve them? im a mistake and i made a mistake  and i should suffer like a mistake should

[thatjwguy]

Bullet For My Valentine - Tears don't fall (Lyrics)

Well, not really a better title for this sorta post... i personally have been making amends with my past and or present. This song indirectly says everything that i would like to say in this post to be honest. still i feel i should elaborate to some extent as to not leave people in the dark, i feel like that much is owed to the person who decides to read this post. so before we go further, just know im not a hardcore emo fan, just like this particular song since it speaks volumes to my current situation. Nothing against people who love this style, i see the appeal.

This is going to border on the lines of insanity but its really more of a spiritual issue. How shall i start this trip down my rabbit hole of weirdness. Lets go back 3 or so years ago. This is about the time i had my first breakdown, it was induced by weed but not the cause of it. I was already predisposed to this disorder from the get go, iv done some research on this already. Look up how marijuana does not cause symptoms of schizophrenia but that it can induce it depending upon the individual who uses the substance. just wanted to point these things out in case someone trys to label me a anti-pot advocate or something to that effect.

Im gonna lay this all out as clear as possible but without pointing fingers or making anyone feel bad. This was all my own doing, my mind took a break and decided to go on vacation. I was in this trance-like state for quite awhile after the initial break. I started to see hallucinations, visions, apparitions, hear voices and so on and so forth. Mental illness should never be taken lightly, neither do the spiritual elements to this world we currently live in. Sorry for leaving ya hang for a bit, i just feel these sorta things should be put up front so the reader has and idea of where im coming from. So, lets continue i promise not to go on too long of tangents, at least i hope not. 

Three years is a while to be dealing with stuff like this, it takes a major toll on you as a person. People tend to shrug off stuff like this as if can be as simple as just flipping a switch, let me tell ya, nothing could be further from the truth. While i was in the midst of this mental delusion or breakdown i was also dabbling with the occult to some extent, well i was trying to expose things in the world related to the occult. I listened to people like Alex Jones and other truthers out there on the interwebs. Perhaps i had the break for a reason, since opening your eyes to the world around you really does have a deep impact on you as a human. I guess some people arent ready to be awakened to the matrix, i feel like i fit the bill for that one. 

I was also deep into certain forms of entertainment, which may or may not be within the realm of the occult to some degree. I won't say they are, just that spiritually speaking, we are all exposed to this world, spiritual darkness/light does exist so we must come to terms with this idea right now. These forms of entertainment were that of heavy metal music, horror movies, video games etc. etc. So you could begin to see how this might play a role in someone's environment not being so healthy, not to mention genetic predispositions or trauma experienced during childhood.  So no blame is being put anywhere here, just need to lay it all out there so people can fully understand what could possibly make situations worse for people suffering from these illnesses. 

Again, i must apologize since i do babble, i am laying out the groundwork for how all of this happened and help others understand it better. So in this day we live in people believe in many ideologies. Too many to name right off but i will mention that i did try to do the New Age thing at one point during all this. Since the voices kept insisting this was some form of ascending or something to that effect. You hear terms like this often with New Age beliefs, ascended masters, 3rd eye-opening, gods/goddess, soulmates/twinflames. All sorts of interesting perspectives to the things that are actually happening. I say that since i come from a biblical background, i believe this is just a deception from the Devil, not some form of spiritual awakening (False Awakening). 

I mention the twin flame thing since that seemed to be something they wanted me to know about, they wanted to lead me in a direction that i was somehow spiritually connected to people i was never actually connected to. I fell into a trap in my mind, thinking it was real and that i was somehow connected to celebrities or public figures iv never even met. Just cause my mind was gone, and also since with this belief, people do actually think they are all connected to one another universally or something like that. Like some sort of cosmic beehive that we are all apart of, we can tap into that only if we go through the ranks and reach Christ consciousness. Again i don't believe these things, its just what i see out there. I would encourage you to investigate this for yourself. 

Everyone has the desire to know more about their existence, so thats what i was trying to do. To figure out where i came from or how everything came to be. The problem was my heart/mind was not in the right place. I was doing things for selfish reasons. I not only wanted to be apart of something more than myself, i also wanted to have things i could not have. So perhaps this was that outlet for me, to live out a fantasy of sorts but in a spiritual way since in reality, i knew something like this could not be. I wanted to believe i could connect with people on a conscious leavel, like a telephone call or something like that. With the new age, they say you can tap into that christ like consciousness and experience something along the lines of telepathy.

So, that's how i thought for a while, that the voices were like a telepathic line to some of these people. I fell in love with that idea until i found out it was a deception. Why wouldn't you want to believe you had some sort of ability to talk to people using only your mind. Since my heart was in the wrong place tho, i ended up abusing what i thought was power. I used it to try indirectly message people. Thinking i was actually talking to the people in my head, even though that was never the case. This is why i called it insanity in the beginning, you cant make this stuff up folks, i thought i was talking to people in my head in real life. Not only that but i also had lucid dreams involving those people. So in my reality, this was happening, no matter how you explained it to me. 

This is how the trap was laid out for me, i fell for it hook line and sinker. I also developed an obsession with some of the celebrities associated with the voices in my head. Thinking they knew about all of it too, just not really coming right out and saying it since they don't want to damage their image or make things public you know. I mean really, who would come out and make something like this public, they would look pretty insane just like i am right now. So, let me be clear, iv had psych help and meds help me to come back to reality since all of this happened. I no longer believe any of this, i just think i had a really wild fantasy that turned out to be a spiritual and psychological problem. 

As wild as it may appear, i think many out there do believe these sorta things. Look up youtube videos. People do believe they can have astral sex or spiritual sex with spirits or other people. So, im not that crazy for believing these things. Many people fall into these traps wanting to believe in something more, which isn't all bad, just misguided thats all. My main issue tho is that i was torn between two different women in my head, even more if i wanted to be completely honest with myself. I had talked myself into believing i was telepathically connected to women i would never have a chance with in real life. That they even wanted me at one point... yeah, pretty bizarre thinking pattern i know. So, kids dont do drugs or dabble in the occult cause you might get sucked into thinking you have godlike powers lol. 

I suppose my heart was just torn on the people i admired or had a crush on, perhaps at one point i even considered polyamory as an option. I was so selfish in thinking i could have these things and never really stopping to think, well what do they think about this, or i don't even deserve this at all. Just the gull in that line of thinking alone is enough to make me almost hate myself for even trying to make these fantasy women love me, all of them. I was basically being a player in the spiritual sense. So, yeah, you can guess how all of that played out. Many fights inside my head about beliefs and even with the women in my head. You wanna know what insanity is, try having imaginary voices of pissed off women in your head every day for 3 years. 

You may ask yourself, do i still hear them. Yes to some degree i do, but medications and therapy have helped me cope with all of this. Do i still love the people who are in my head, yes on a human level i still love them very much. Despite it all being just in my head, i just want them to be alright and know i was never trying to hurt them, just wanted to be loved by someone. Yes, it does appear to me that i needed to fix the wrong i had done, even if it was just in my head, the voices are still very real and do get mad when you act out or are a jerk, just like in real life. So i have used that as a tool to help me grow as a person, knowing we are all flawed and make mistakes. I needed to mend my mind and make peace with them. So this is also how im doing that, trying to make peace. 

In the end i was completely off the deep end in all this thinking, now i must live with the choices iv made. Even if iv never really hurt anyone in the real world, i still need to make this right, just on a personal level. Also even in Gods eyes, this could be something very real to him, doing things of that nature. Imagine, people do actually do things of that nature in the real world, play games with people and make them feel like they are the only one. When i reality they are cheating around every corner with some other person, either just because or for other unknown reasons. Maybe they just never see eye to eye or people just want to live that rock n roll style life and bed multiple partners just for the sake of saying they did. For me tho, i really want just one woman, just one who i know will be there for me and will stick with me no matter how hard it gets, Even with my mental illness she sees im a good man, trying to make it work. 

I know a woman like that still exists out there despite all the BS you hear from other men or even women for that matter. Perhaps i will find her in my faith, which is the thing Jehovah God would want, or maybe in the world. Some things are better left unknown. Just know that when the time is right, it will happen, not by force, but just because we are both ready to be in a committed relationship, not matter what gets in our way, we will have faith. Yes, this just turned into a post about me having women trouble, not entirely but yeah, i am pretty caught up in these things in my head so i must be honest with you. So now i guess you have a bit more insight into the way my mind works. Never again will i go into this much detail about my psych break. So consider yourself blessed or cursed with more knowledge of this random dude on the internet. 

Im about done here, so thanks for dropping by to go down this deep pit of my mind. I love you for doing that, just for caring enough to sit through this long and drawn out post about a guy having women problems in his head, its much more than just that but yeah. That's just the overly simplified version of this mess so that i don't get people too confused. Even though im betting you stil are, even i find myself still questioning these things from time to time. Well, that about does it, i have to get going, the voices are telling me i need to go play the new spiderman game that just came out, yes it is very awesome, i would definitely recommend you try it. 

[meet-me-at-kingsmeet]

Someone wrote an essay on ao3 about the topic at hand w/ the controversial laurent/incest,csa abuse being sexualized in fanfic and ,,,bitch

Many fictions are like this. In the essay on ao3 (I don’t wanna link it bc *air horn*) it references Oedipus as having incestual relations. Great, you’re right. What else happens in oedipus though? Well first of all nothing is explicit, second of all, he umm?? What was that?? Oh yeah LITERALLY GOUGES OUT HIS EYES WITH CAPE PINS and Jokasta kills her self jendisnskdnl so this person’s point????

Fiction can contain dark material. Umm yeah?? Duh???????? Did we not all in this fandom read Capri trilogy?????? Of course we’re okay w that. In Capri thought how is csa and incest displayed though??? NOT SEXUALIZED AND IS DISCUSSED AS WRONG. So yeah dark fiction can contain controversial discussions, but many of those movies and books often go on the side of: ”look at this serial killer!! So interesting and wrong!! But fascinating!!” Or even “there is child abuse, rape, it’s explicit, but I as an author am describing it in a way that’s detailed it as disgusting.

Because u wanna kno something?? Any big name controversial book or movie that has dark tones but is still praised???? It’s praised bc it DOESNT promote the activities, its AGAINST them. And any person who doesn’t realize this (such as a guy who has Fight Club as his fave movie, bc he misses the point that it’s about toxic masculinity, and instead feels he is being praised for his toxic behavior) is most likely committing that behavior themselves.

So this isn’t about how “all fiction should be pure and good!!” Bc we all loved Capri, and it wasn’t by any stretch unproblematic and not controversial. But one of it’s core message was: csa & incest is bad. Rape is bad. Slavery is bad. Don’t do any of that.

So it’s not popular books and movies that are the problem we are having with the fandom. It’s the people IN the fandom. Writing the fiction!!!! It’s y’all who wanna write laurent/r*gent fic!!! You wanna sit and go “oh I’m doing this bc *air horn air horn air horn*”

Ive been in fandoms awhile and I’ve SEEN how it works. Y’all who sit and think “every fandom I’ve been in had ppl who were into this why is this fandom so sensitive” news flash we’re not!!! You just managed to find the same nasty assholes in every fandom!!!! Just bc you tell yourself that “I’m writing laurent being raped by his uncle not bc I wanna get off or anything haha simply bc I looooveeee controversial works.” You’re a fucking liar. There are plenty of protags existing that went through sexual abuse that are strong and didn’t have to explicitly depict what happened. And if there were??? It wasn’t depicted as good????

Theres no REASON to want to write laurent/regent or Laurent/auguste except for one reason: you LIKE it SEXUALLY. That’s IT!!!!!!!!! Yes I can understand the human curiosity of “well what exactly did happen??” But that’s not what fandom and sex every equate to. Fanfiction when dealing with sex is 99.99% of the time done for sexual gratification.

Literally the person referenced porn in there essay as something that depicts dark themes like rape. And that further proves my point!!!! Porn is for SEXUAL GRATIFICATION ONLY!!!!!!!!! You can sit and watch fight club or oedipus with your family but I guarantee you pipe up and go “hey Mom and Dad you wanna sit and watch this hardcore rape kink porn w/ me?” You’re gonna get looked at like ur crazy!!!!! So to say “hey ppl in fanfic can write laurent getting raped by his uncle or brother bc it’s in porn” is just the CHERRY on top of my argument. You might as well have written “laurent being raped is a form of sexual gratification for me.” Like?????? Nobody here is fucking dumb?????? I see you. I see what you’re doing.

They said like “people should be comfortable learning about their sexual interests” okay sure bitch if you wanna get consentually spanked or choked by all means explore healthy bdsm porn!! pornhub is free and teaches lessons on healthy sex ed!!!! but if ur gonna openly talk about how you’d wanna read ch*ld (rape) porn and see if it sexually satisfies you?? *slamming buttons on microwave* IM CALLING!! THE POLICE!!!!! 

It talks about the “think of the children” argument, most likely bc I said yesterday “hey there are teens here who get their hands on this book and interact with the fandom!” That wasn’t me saying “AHHH WE HAVE TO CENSOR EVERYTHING WE SAY BC BABIES ARE ON THIS SITE!!!!” I believe kids and teens reading adult (more mature I mean, not to be confused with porn, tho, I’m not gonna condemn a 15 year old for watching porn) movies & literature can be beneficial. What I meant was that I’m FANDOM SPACES there are ppl who groom 12-17 year olds w/ talk like “oh incest is fine and age is but a number!” See the difference?????

Me: hey teens out there don’t listen to these ppl who are telling you writing and reading ch*ld porn is healthy & unharmful bc they either dnt realize what they’re doing is wrong, or they are predators themselves

ya’ll demons: Oh so we can’t even say “fuck” because a kid might hear us??? *angry white woman screaming and spitting gif*

A big argument I’ve seen is “well I read it bc it’s how I deal with my trauma of being sexually abused.” Now I’ve talked about this in a recent prior post, but look.....I don’t know who told you it was a healthy coping mechanism to read sexualized (ch*ld) rape porn as a way to heal, but whoever did, yourself or another, ITS WRONG! ITS NOT HEALTHY ITS NOT COPING AND ITS NOT HEALING IM GENUINLY WORRIED ABOUT THE LOT OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS BC YOU NEED TO SEEK ACTUAL MEDICAL THERAPY AND GET HELP BC THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS NOT!!!!!!! OKAY!!!!!!!

It’s not okay. People writing ch*ld porn or incest in any fandom isn’t okay because it’s sexualized. POINT BLANK BITCH!!!!!!!!! Y’all aren’t writing some great novel you’re writing porn!!! To nut off with!!!!!!!!

I don’t need to fucking cite bc I believe wholeheartedly in writing controversial ideas. Lots of ideas can be controversial from Laurent and Damen falling in love, into great fictions like Doctor Zhivago, which was illegal in Russia for a long time Bc of its themes against the regime. All kinds of controversial fictions written.

Rape fiction on an ao3 website where ppl will write explicit ch*ld porn and try to say it’s “just fiction” ?? Get fucked.

[gaberoothekangaroo]

i havent been okay for awhile. there was the trauma of my childhood, early teens, and late teens that i had begun to process once being out on my own in college for the first time. but i wasnt focused on the trauma or what it had done to me. i was too busy exploring things that id hever had a chance to experience or do like my friends or peers had done. i was allowed to like things. i was allowed to buy things. to exist. and thats more of what i focused on. hard to have something taken from you if theres no one around to take it.

and then i graduated and returned home because i wasnt financially stable and didnt know where i wanted to go with my life. id gone to college for something i was good at and liked, not something i could make a life with. and i dealt with that instead of my trauma.

one of the things that cropped up in my late teens that never left, that i never ignored or put on the back burner was my picking. zits, pick. bumps, pick. scars, pick. enough time wasted that id lose myself for hours in front of the mirror picking at my face or sitting idly in my room picking at different parts of my body. its continued throughout my life. getting on a long dose of acutane helped to clear up some of the picking cause now there were less things to pick. but that happened more recently. i learned picking was most likely a body repetitive disorder. a cousin of ocd.

no one is a paragon of mental health in my family. my mom needs help mentally and refuses to acknowledge any issues. my dad is bitter over the fact that during their marriage she needed help and instead created a toxic divide that led to their divorce. no one ever talked about mental health in a positive way. or in something to look out for.

so i guess i never realized that picking was something i needed help for. trauma, yes but later in life was when i realized i needed help for that. so being away in college paranoia? ocd? something of the two slipped in alongside the picking and never left. it was never bad. i didnt count. things didnt have to be a specific way. but i checked the door. and again. and again. again. again. which graduated to checking the car. if i was still within 15-20 ft i would go back, unlock it, and check to make sure i locked it. yank on the door handle. and i would have continuous anxiety about is the car locked? not enough to overtake my thoughts, but enough to bother me until my attention was diverted to class or groceries or whatever. repeatedly check that i turned in an assignment. not just one, but multiple calendars or checklists. constantly asking my dad something multiple times. but are you sure? are you though? what about now?

and very quickly it transferred to my cat. check to make sure hes still inside. crack open the door to make sure hes still inside. look around the stairwell. check the door. is he still inside? and that progressively got worse over the years. before the pandemic it was bad enough that i would pick him up from wherever he was and put him on the couch in view of the window by the door so that i could see he was there when i locked the door. and checked the door. and checked. and checked.

pandemic hit and. i couldnt keep things clean. i couldnt keep my space clean. i couldnt keep myself clean. my cat clean. and i moved out of my room and into my office/the den. i did it while everyone was gone. i shut myself away because i could control how clean i felt in my room. but that progressed to not feeling very clean in my own room and hardly in my own bed. ive reached the point where i dont feel safe or clean being near my dad or sibling. they go out. they see other family. they dont social distance. theyve been out drinking and to restaurants. and theyre not vaccinated. and i feel so unclean next to them.

and the feeling of being unclean led to my showers growing from just washing extra long to multiple hours. 20 seconds is good enough to get the germs off your hands? must be applicable to the rest of your body.

it takes a lot of effort and energy and hypervigilance to be downstairs the 1-2 times i do it a week. then the effort and energy of showering until i dont feel dirty. its a lot. its been a strain. ive had the strong desire to stab myself and cry and scream because im at my wits end. this is not sustainable. ive trapped myself and i dont know how to get out. i dont know how to ask for help or where to go. what to do.

my cat has a cold and has been prescribed medication thats refrigerated, given 2x a day every 12 hours. i leave my room twice a week, spend an hour downstairs, and then the next four in the shower. i cant medicate him. and my anxiety is too high to call the vet back and ask them for something else. and im trying to be open with my dad about my mental health but its hard. he doesnt know everything. he doesnt even know 1%. and all i want to do is cry

im so tired. the pandemic has forced me to deal with my past trauma because theres a lot of patterns in the current trauma. its forced me to deal with my ocd or germaphobia or whatever it is. my chronic health conditions are out of control. i feel like im drowning in mental illnesses and trauma. and im so tired

[creepycrawliesinyourwalls]

rambling; online diary

i truely believe i can do heroin and not be addicted. i've been on dilaudid before, ive gotten high off my ass on weed, i took some vyvanse to see how itd go, and ultimately it was boring. being high is kinda boring. i complain about not having my cart, sure. but being so fr rn i do it for show. no one would ever believe me in a million years, but it is genuinely for show.

i have a hard time defining myself as a person, given the disorders i have. anything and everything that i could add to myself to humanize myself is a positive, never a negative. humanity is by definition flawed and faulty, if i have a flaw im more easily humanized.

im also incapable of being perfect, though if i wasn't abused to the point of my brain never fully forming a cohesive personality, i'm sure id be a prodigy. if my brain genetically disabled, i'd be top of my class, 4.0 gpa with honors.

with dissociative identity disorder, autism, adhd, bipolar 1, ptsd, clinical depression, arfid, and probably some sort of personality disorder, its hard to care about anything at all. these are only the mental and neurological disorders and defects, too.

inherently i was given the worst hand i could have gotten in birth. my potential is wasted, trapped inside this failure of a body. i could have been so much more. my face is somewhat conventionally attractive, so theres a win.

im confident that without my memory issues, joint pain, and depression i could be a full blown doctor. i have to settle for marketing, because my gpa currently is too low to get into engineering. i wanted to do mathematics for awhile to get into finance or something. i wanted to do geology bc my special interest is rocks, but i don't want to work for an oil company.

if i am not constantly improving with my life in any aspects, if i am stagnant for a stretch of time, i consider it a failure.

i do not have a personality, at least nothing coherent and consistent. some people say im loud, some say im shy. sweet, mean, smart, dumb, its all contradictory traits.

i consider myself better then most of the people i choose to be friends with. a good lot of them (danny, chloe, viktor) will probably never go to college. kaden might go, but im sure she'd just party the whole time. alix is maybe the only one who i'd even consider on my level, since he's aiming for law and finds debates enjoyable. he has the drive and determination to do well in life, and is at the very least takes steps to get where he wanted to get.

chloe wanted to get into medicine and be a doctor. she is chronically disabled and was failing half of he classes. from disabled to disabled person, there is no way in hell you are making it that far. id be surprised if she made it past 25, honestly. she viewed mental hospitals as a vacation, even excluding the morals on that view, its incorrect. she believed she wasn't addicted to her medication, and that it actually helped her. she never even tried.

i am beginning to become fond of alix, though. i hope my headmates realize how much better his is compared to others. taylor and vee are already fond of him, which is a good sign.

we seem to be improving our depression symptoms and dissociative amnesia, and we joined a cbt program to further along process after being voluntarily admitted to a psychiatric facility. (yes, we did ask to go. we were going to kill ourselves as soon as we were alone, we needed immediate help.) i want to work on breaking down our gatekeepers resolve, and get us to a place where we can work on final fusion. i would also like to address our npd traits, but our therapist wouldnt believe us, so ill have to work on that myself.

we haven't been practicing our religion as much as we used too, its kind of sad. we send a prayer up to apollo occasionally, and he usually answers. but otherwise we havent done any spell work. its sucks to admit it, and god to i want to delete this paragraph but i need to work on vulnerability to create and foster friendships that are mutually beneficial.

ive never seen the point of online friends, i think the concept is pointless. i've tried doing it, and everytime we ended up ghosting them. the effort did not match the spoils. if im going to have friends, i need them to invest in me before i invest in them. it can be materially, emotionally, or physically. as long as i gain benefits, you will too.

[atomicsurvivor-isleofskye]

Ep. 1 - “Karma is a Nasty Old Woman”  - JG

This season began the night of December 8th with a cast reveal, but the game was already afoot before that. Players had the opportunity to earn an extra trip to hunt for the idol by reading the rules. Heather, August, Aundra, JG, Rebecka, Tara, and Vi all took advantage of this opportunity!

The pre-merge buffs were also revealed, with the tribes called Iolaire and Saorsa.

And then the game began.

The first immunity challenge was posted, which you can check out here:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168340626526/tribal-immunity-1-isle-relay

Introductions have been made, and everyone seems nice so far!

Consider me the f*%# overwhelmed. I’m trying to make personal connections but clearly that isn’t going too well. The challenge seems scary. I’m dying. Someone help!

I am SCARED. I have to establish all new relationships and I’m pretty shook about it.

Everyone seems so nice. I can deal with the challenges but I'm a bit scared. I don't want to mess up so early in the game.

Man, I forgot how the start of orgs are so busy. Everyone seems pretty nice so far but I swear I won't learn their names until at least merge. If we have merge that is. After that I'll have to relearn. Hopefully we all make it to merge so I don't have to relearn anything. This challenge is pretty bad though. Slow internet will make this a pain

Ok so I love my Tribe so far! The first immunity challenge came so fast but I'm glad that our team came together to figure out who's doing what. Also JG is coming in clutch with that advantage.

So I’m not sure how to feel about being on a tribe with Rebecka, she might be bitter, or she might be happy to have someone she knows. As for me if I can’t find anyone else ill try that connection, for now I just need to keep communicating.

This game is so different from azores (shout to everyone from that game) the vibes are completely different. probably because im completely different but yah im really enjoying this tribe rn we have team work down and dont seem like a bad group of people. only thing is i signed up to do the logic puzzle thing and im not that smart 

omg this seems like a nice little tribe, its interesting be surrounded by new players to this like myself :') im not outta place, also it seems like being the oldest i hope everyone will be able to rely on me and my knowledge :D on the flip side with everyone being new it's sure to lead to some confusion in challenges hopefully i'll be able to give them some guidance and lead us to some wins :) also i fully expect to have bad luck doing the moors crap but yolo and may as well try right? 

So the LoIaire tribe decided to do a call but it turned into me, Stephen and JD talking about videogames fjksskskd. I hope people don't think we're an alliance already! Fingers crossed.

my tribe is full of nerds

but i'm a fan of it

So the em peeps - me, Tara and august - made an alliance right off the back. I'm already lying to them like I did my previous org. Who said I was gonna do random voting this time again? O well, time to play a wolf in sheep's clothing and hope not to get picked to shear. That would be terrible. It's really cold and this wool is really warm. We're basically ignoring the other chat since they're in a group call and geeking out about stuff. I don't know. I zoned out bc I didn't understand what they were saying. Hopefully I'll be able to start my plan of seducing them with pictures of my pets soon.

I'm not sure if it will be an advantage or disadvantage but while searching the Moors, I found a twist that will be revealed at merge! Now I just have to do is survive until then... tune in nextime kids

Cool tribe.  Trying to prove my crappy helpfulness in this collecting challenge since i'm godawful at puzzles. Also, tara went ahead an made a stupid fast f3 with me and infinity, and i told them my searches which sealed the deal. Also like JG and Ain, seem like pretty cool dudes, hoping to work with em'. This moor twist is really neat, but i also feel like everything already found already, but whatever. 

Tara is pretty cool. She's nice and I think we can work together

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

We love early alliances YES WE DO.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cch6Q-ItmQE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8Vto9iHwVY&t=2s hope this works haha

kay so the tea is that I’m aligning with Madison and Olivia. Olivia is super sweet and super trustworthy, so I am aiming to keep her close for awhile. Madison vibes with me but she seems very intelligent and very much so willing to stab me in the back. I’ll keep an eye on her. I am hoping these two allies will be able to at least get me through the first few votes. Who knows? {note: I’ll be submitting video confessionals soon after more happens}

haven't talked to rebecka at all yet but love her video calling me late at night to show n complain about her broken tooth! an icon! can't wait to see more of her this season. hope her medical bills aren't too expensive

So Luke and I have been skyping for 3 1/2 hours and I am so glad we have chosen each other! We have plans of who we each are going to talk to and who we want in our alliance. He is going to try and get close to Madison and AnnMarie and I am going to try and get close to Skip, and Dr. Mike Jake. Sarah at this point is a big question mark and Heather is in between and we'll keep her close enough but we both think that she will either be a good meat shield or a threat that we should take out pre merge. The other Jake we are both going to try to get close to as well. Hopefully we can have the majority no matter how it goes. Maddy told us that she is close with Rebecca on the other tribe which was probably a big mistake so we have to keep an eye out for that. She also told Luke about a secret map that she found at the moors! She lied when I asked if she found anything about it. Luke said there was a phrase that you could send to the hosts about this secret map so we both sent it in. Sarah, Heather, Luke, and I formed an alliance that they think will go all the way but I think Luke and I may have other plans. I trust Luke implicitly and I know he trusts me! Hopefully our plan works out.

3 and a half hours later, Olivia and I are going strong on Skype planning and scheming for the whole game. I exposed Madison after learning she is also close with Jake (* ^w^*). We are definitely targeting Heather at some point, for she is the least trustworthy of them all. I’m planning on trying to win over AnnaMarie and Madison’s votes and Olivia is going to win over Jake (* ^w^*) and Trip. Hopefully by controlling two people each, we will have the majority in any potential vote. Needless to say- I will trust and advocate for Olivia until the end. I believe in our ability to take out the rest of our tribe and come merge time lay low. She’s writing a confessional right now as well, I hope it’s not about how she’s going to eliminate me lmao.

Also- Heather said in her intro video that she isn't afraid to backstab people and she kept going on about how much she loves acting! She also wouldn't really say anything when we talking about future plans so HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST HER! I know I've already made two so this is the last one lol.

Things seem to be going well, I have talked to everyone, excluding Rebecka, and get along well, so far there are few people talking strategy, but that suits me fine for now.

I am so happy that the game finally started. The Saorsa tribe gives off really great vibes to me and I hope that is a good thing. I feel like I've made connections with almost everyone, but it is really nerve wracking because you never know who felt a connection with you. I feel I got pretty close to Madison, Lukas, Olivia and a few others. I just hope we can win Immunity so I dont have to send anybody home

I am very nervous for the competition. None of us really know Sarah and if she doesn't  show up, it's going to suck for the tribe. I don't want to be known as the weakest link for the tribe because my partner for the challenge didn't work. 

So I reveled I have a 10% advantage, hopefully that doesn't kill me off but oh well. So far so good. Tara and I have been bonding over BTS and I think I'm gonna try getting us to f2 since I like her the best out of everyone so far. Maybe she'll back stab me but that's okay too as long as she gets into f3 ^-^. I hope not though, that would be completely and utterly sad. (I do think she knows what I'm playing at since she watched my first org and I'm basically redoing that. She's trying to help me right now at least)

So I went to the moors for the first time and I’m really excited to be playing. This game going to be good and I know it going to have plenty of twist in it. Also I’m really liking Tara form like day one we vibes and we started talking and she’s pretty cool. Another also I feel like one of those older wise people because a lot of the peopel on my tribe are newbies and that makes me feel somewhat more safe in this game. 

So I misread my hidden advantage/disadvantage. What it actually says is that it will be revealed at a tribe swap and not merge. Also, Ive been mapping out all the locations and places explored in The Moors and concluded that Ain has the idol that was in the pit she fell in. For now I'm going to try and befriend her more so that we can be allies or have her reveal and flush an idol. My crossword chellenge is upcoming and I've been studying Survivor terminology so I don't flop!

I really like Jake and Maddie. I really want to start having a good strong alliance with them later on in the game. I love everyone's dogs as well.

Trip is sure he blew the logic puzzle. I feel bad for the kid and I definitely don't want to target him or anything over it and I want to make sure other people don't do that as well. I've been reading up battleship strategies online and about how to read people and poker tells and whatnot and that either makes me the biggest dumbass in the world to think that any of the advice might help or it makes me more prepared than my opponent. Can't tell at this point. He says he can't do the challenge today so we have to wait all the way until tomorrow. That'll either give me more time to be prepared or it'll give me just enough time to overthink and freak myself out. Either is likely at this point. I tried talking to AnnMarie some like Luke and I planned and she seemed pretty receptive until I suggested videochatting and she didn't respond but I'm not sure if she is doing her puzzle right now or if I just scared her off.

oh also Trip and I talked this morning which was great. Hopefully people don't talk to one another and say "oh hey has Olivia been talking to you" because if they do then they may think I'm playing too hard which at this point I'm probably over-doing it but I am just so excited

So Tim has told me that he has an advantage from the moors that will be reveal at the tribe swap. I believe him because even if hes lying it means he wants me to trust him so we work together. Looking ahead I think Tim, Tara, and I would make a good team, of course we’d need more numbers but it all depends on the connections we make, people’s performance in the challenge, and how people act if we go to tribal.

Found a special path in the moors, but even though I’m not getting anything from it, I’m getting a bunch of friends by telling other people. I told the alliance of me/infinity/ and Tara about it and I’m pretty sure that was the mortar that’s holding the house together. Also gave the info to Tim, hoping to work close with him, seems to be a pretty straightforward guy. He asked who else I gave the info to which I replied a solid “sorry can’t say” but I think it’ll go fine as long as that stuff doesn’t come up any longer.

Madison found a special path in the Moors, where she could receive a vote revealing advantage if she created an alliance with the two players she trusted the least, who she ranked as Jake S. and Sarah.

To do this, she opted to tell the tribe that she had to make an alliance with “random” players for a potential trial advantage. She succeeded, and was given a necklace which would reveal all votes cast at a tribal council, to be played until the final 7.

Hopefully honesty is the best policy. 

Ok so its Day 2 and i completed my immunity challenge pretty fast in my opinion... but this is whats happening... August told me about the third path in Moors but he said that i wasn't the only one that knew about it. Later Tara got caught searching in The Neist and August said that he told Tara about it but Tara said that's not true... Im on to you August.. lets just wait for the immunity results...👀

So Tim has told me even more information about the Moors, and a secret location called the Neist that August found. This makes me trust him more and feel more comfortable working with him, but it also means I have to work on my connection with August if the three of us are going to work together TimHoly shit things are going downnn. So August and Tara are actually allies and Im the third. And originally, we were the only 3 that knew about the Neist. But I rushed and thought I was getting played so I told Stephen... EVERYTHING about the Neist including the locations already searched... I messed up big time! ( Or maybe not? 👀)

omg so i hate august!!! first thing he messages me in the game is that we shouldn't tell ppl that we know eachother and we should try to seem distant because we know eachother from epicmafia n then he goes blabbing his mouth n telling ppl that he told me all this info! like where and when is that a smart thing to do august?? before i even knew he did that tim confronts me n is like hey do u know august, did august tell u this, and me trying to b a good friend to august is like yaa no sorry! but like ugh! august needs better communication bcos if the first thing he messages me is "HAHAHA SHHH SHHH WE DON'T KNOW EACHOTHER" i'm gonna expect that hes gonna try keep distant! then he goes blabbing some more n tells tim about drama that happened in our last org like hmm interesting... um but ya august is gonna b first boot! bye girl! 

So today in the Moor I came across a skeleton that “had a ring of bones unmarked from where a necklace once was”. This to me is a mess. Who on earth has already gone down this exact path and #snatched the necklace from me? Anyway, I messaged my main sis Olivia and devised a plan, then ran it by Madison as well. In the tribe chat, I openly said I have a “gem that could boost the power of a necklace that once rested there” which is complete BS. I am hoping someone takes the bait and messages me about having a necklace of such, and then I can expose them. 

Also- Madison entrusted me with the knowledge that she has a power that can reveal everyone’s votes at a certain tribal. I may just keep this to myself, because up until now all info I’ve received in the game I’ve shared. 

THE MOORS ARE CRAZY AND I KIKE THE RIDDLES AND THE HINTS AND IVE ONLY BEEN ONCE BUT I CANT WAIT TO GO TOMORROW. THE PUZZLE IS VERY HARD AND I STRUGGOED AT FIRST AND I HOPE the tribe isn't going to tribal council.

Tara came to me freaking out. I had told both her and Tim about the special path and Tim was like “ I bet they’re aligned” so Tara made up a lie saying I didn’t tell her. I tried to solve the problem by just being outright honest, but I’m still annoyed. Tim is far too paranoid to work with. 

ok so it seems as though as suspected some areas of our challenges were a bit rushed in decision and now i think it could be a big fat L but sometimes you win sometimes u lose, that said i hope the effort i put into my part shows im here to win, outside of that i've made more social connections with olivia and some others :) that open alliance announcement was a shock to me kinda made me laugh, looks like the 3 may be working together to get the moors solved so i'll have to keep on it

I'm a comp flop and i hope that doesnt make me a target. I havent talked to a few people and I'm going to get on that. 

Ok so everyone sucked today at the challenges (I still love them) and it is kinda looking like I am our last hope. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also it turns out the whole tribe is gonna watch?! what???!!! Feeling better every second out the firm alliance between Luke and I though. At the Moors I took a harness and hid it in a place where another harness already was so I am gonna try and be first when it comes to going to the Moors tomorrow. Luke found a skeleton without a necklace there meaning someone has the necklace. He told the tribe and AnnMarie just told him privately she had to tell him something about the moors AND NEVER RESPONDED. The second (not Canadian) Jake seemed like he might pull through and be an active participant but its not looking too likely. Sarah is still inactive so unless the other tribe sucked more than us she will probably go home Monday. Also I am supposed to talk to the Canadian Jake but idk how to talk to that guy! and trip too! Like I never know what to say but I am going to keep trying because Luke is making good progress with Maddi and with AnnMarie. We both gotta be careful and include Heather because if not that could be dangerous. 

JUST GOT SOME MAJOR TEA FROM CANADIAN JAKE WOOOHOOO!!! I was asking him about Canada and he told me that if I take the harness back to camp it leads to more paths. I told him this made me trust him a lot. Not exactly true but not false either. He could be playing me but hopefully this is securing a bond.

Hi I’m Aundra and I’m stupid af. I picked to do the logic challenge knowing I’m stupid af. then announced to the tribe that I’m thinking about quiting being stipid af. now I’m stuck looking stupid af

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KvsH2lWN3Y

4 hours and 20 min later I finally finish my part of the challenge I’d like to thank Ali for helping me through when I was about to quit and Kermit I’d also like to say if we lose it won’t be my fault fully because people have gotten 10% disadvantages on the team so our odds are low but the grave I’ve dug for my self is bigger than the possible 20% I think we have agonist us 

LukasJust a lil update for the girls. Madison told me about her magnifying glass, but apparently she hasn’t told anyone else. I’m going to keep this to myself from Olivia otherwise I will have nothing to keep secret for myself, and that just seems wrong. I staged a text conversation with my boyfriend and sent it to Heather about her dog and how it’s totally the next big meme. Heather ate it up as expected, and now I feel like I have an in with her. Aside from my core 4 alliance, I really don’t know where anyone else’s head is at and they all are lackluster communicators. 

Ok so Maddi, Heather, and myself had about an hour long chat (mostly) about the game tonight. We agreed that the four of us (us 3 + Luke) should definitely stick together and although it’s definitely possible, it’s probably unlikely that the other four players have their own alliance. My fears about heather were mostly assuaged because when Maddi left she voiced her concerns about Maddi and her connections to the other side and she revealed to me that she trusts me the most (which is obviously great). Now I have two people that trust me the most out of anyone. (Only one I feel the same about) As long as I’m in this game I won’t forget heather’s intro video and her statement about how she is more than willing to backstab. The relationship between trip and I seems to be going well (albeit a little slow) while my relationship with AnnMarie is kind of nonexistent but it’s only been two days. I don’t trust Jake S. At all. He said he hadn’t been to the moors yet?? Fishy to me. The battleship showdown is tomorrow. Survivor gods be kind, let it go well. 

The idol is already out there on day THREE. Im assuming either Vi or August has it but I'm leaning towards August.. If we lose immunity then I may have to spark up the game and vote out the idol holder either that or have thr idol work in my favor. I'm on to you August and Vi and your friend Ain too! You may have had us do your dirty work of finding the idol but I'll get the last laugh. Know That. StephenSo Tim thinks someone has found the idol based on what he found in the moors and I’m inclined to agree, but it worries me how fast things are moving, im hoping we win immunity so theres time for things to settle down and for people to relax. At the same time chaos is a good way to find out who you can trust.

https://youtu.be/RSSBtWKMfiU

I'd be very very surprised if we win immunity, especially since our tribe has members with a 5% and 10% disadvantage, and some members of our tribe who have yet to complete their challenge or never will? InfiniVi has a 10% advantage so maybe that will help balance it all out. Regardless, I think I'm in a safe spot on my tribe and I am confident in my challenge time and Im hope Stephen and JG does well so cheers to that?? 

I didn't notice a small wording difference which  changes my time in logic puzzle from very low to over 3 hours and 40 minutes. I am worried if we lose this challenge I could be sent home, but hopefully if so Sarah is thrown under the bus. I mean they haven't even been here! Everybody else is so nice and cool, I love my tribe!

Well I had a very nice conversation with Vi and Tara (seperately) and August your game is donezo. We know about your idol/advantage and you lost your potential allies' trust in the process. If only you'd kept Neist point a secret. Fear not, we can still use you as a number and you can be one of the many strings I pull as I become Sole Survivor. Ciao!

Hour and a half before battleship. The tribe seems excited to cheer me on. They all seem to think it rests solely on me. But if they all lost then we’re already fated to go to tribal, no? Irregardless, it would be a good moral victory. I’m trying to decide how to come across when I go head to head with the other tribe. Strategic? If so he may figure out that my ship placement strategy wasn’t just random. Wholesome and nonthreatening? It may help out now but they may think I’m not quite smart should I make it to the merge. Maybe that’s a good thing idk. I’m only certain of one thing however and that is that I’m definitely overthinking this. I watched my opponent’s intro video. He is into Star Wars and humanitarianism. Maybe I can pander to that so he doesn’t feel threatened. Battleship is mostly a game of luck but anything I can do that might be an advantage is worth it.

So so so, so much has happened I don't know where to start. The alliance between Tara, August and I basically is down to Tara and I and August as the third wheeler. He has betrayed our trust and so we're going to pretend to be nice to him. Also there is a 85% chance of him having the idol. Tim accused me of having it but jokes on him, I would have screamed it in the main chat since it's rare for me to get lucky with anything. Anyways I think I'm gonna go place some tension between a couple people and see how that blows up in my face. I know it will bc that's my luck also

I got more updates on the drama. Tim is a bas-cough- sneaky little no legged lizard. Can't believe he told Tara to go to the cauldron even tho Ain told him that it held a disadvantage right before that. Hehehe the boys - August, Tim and Stephen - are gonna regret it the moment the girls line up too.

Olivia is a QUEEN AND WON A SECTION FOR US IN THE RELAY. SLAY ME

Im not sur if im allowed to curse but where in the world are these ships!!! Hello????

My fav player won their challenge I am so proud of her. She will win first for sure calling it now.

JG seems like a fun guy, but we havent talked much. In his challenge he kept changing his pattern, which I’m not sure was a good idea, but that might just be hindsight.

https://youtu.be/nk5jBYqnYwI

We are going to lose because I suck at puzzles 

HOLY SHITBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just won the battleship challenge and I feel OH so relieved. So much has happened today I hope I don't forget to write it here. Ok so I was included into the one viewing lounge which was cool as shit but I didn't know anyone but hopefully I can be included in this community going forward because everyone seems so cool. Trip and Canada jake both told me their moor experience which hopefully shows trust. And after I won the challenge Trip said I should be captain. It was sweet, but hopefully no one takes that to mean I am the leader because I sure as shit do not want that. Even though I feel like I am in a bit of a power position with Luke right now, I do not want anyone else to know and I certainly don't want people to think I am the captain because those people always get targeted (see: ben this current tv season). Apparently I mentioned that Luke was the only one that knew the coordinates for battleship and when Luke told me I did that I about shit myself because we don't want people finding out how close we are. Hopefully none of the players caught on. Luke told me that Heather told him that she got a 10% advantage in the first individual immunity challenge, and she didn't tell me that until she told the fab four collectively which concerns me because yesterday she told me she trusts me the most. I started individually messaging her so hopefully I can keep that trust. We get the tribal results tonight and hopefully we won so we can keep the Sarah buffer going forward. People were calling me an icon today and I don't really agree but it made me like so happy I could do something for the tribe and everyone was so nice after I won like I was so emotional reading the messages. I know this is a game but I like everyone so much and I'm so grateful I got this tribe. oh also Jake S. hasn't been responding (like usual) and I am just overall concerned about him and whether or not he has an idol. Besides that, I am just so happy with how today played out. Sorry for the long ass confessional lol.

Oh and also I love Heather but with the individual messaging I wasn't sure how to start it so I mentioned the walking dead, her favorite show, which I have literally never seen except for when people reblog stuff about it on my tumblr. I literally only had my tumblr knowledge to go on to carry that convo but it seemed to work and she seemed to buy it. I feel bad lying but like I need to talk to her more and I needed an ice breaker lol.

I’m currently trying to secure my alliance with Madison. Whilst I don’t 100% trust her and would like to see her gone before the merge, I want her to think she is my #1. To do this, I’m asking her if I should branch out to Annamarie. She agreed, so I made a group chat with them. This is not so much to control Annamarie but more to let Madison think I’m hopeless without having her in my convos. Hopefully I’m not coming on too strong. 

holy shit that was the worst puzzle i've ever had the misfortune of trying to piece together im so happy its over

Iolaire won the first immunity challenge, sending Saorsa to tribal council

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168413432616/tribal-immunity-1-results

Im literally shakingggg. We won the first immunity so no first boots from our tribe! I think we were lucky that someone from the other tribe got a strike, otherwise, im uncertain how things would have ended up. There was a plan to blindside August and the idol but we'll have to put it on hold!

So glad we won, there has been a little drama and while I was confident I wouldn't be going home I'm glad we get time to settle down and talk more. I want to make sure I can get Tara, JG, and Rebecka on side, if we can flush or blindside August's idol I'll feel mch better.

omg, close ass challenge it seems like this was alot closer than i anticapated, i expected a loss in the logic but holy we almost wonf if not for sarah thats crazy, but i mean its hard to win with an afk, at least its an easy vote, another loss may not result in so, so we gotta get that motivation and grab the bull by the horns and win !!!

I'm so proud of Trip and Olivia for winning but I am also soooo pissed. If Sarah would have tried I truly think we would have had a chance.

Honestly I'm kinda pissed that Sarah never submitted cause we had it in the bag. I failed pretty hard with the puzzle, but I'm hoping to do better next time. I found a freaking path in the moors, no advantage, no hint. I'm trying to get around, trying to talk to everyone, especially madison, lucas, and olivia. I'm very comfortable with them and I feel that we'd be a good alliance once the game gets SERIOUS. I got drafted twice and I'm gonna cry I'm so happy

DAMNNN we have to go to tribal. Whilst I am sad about this, it won't be too sad seeing Sarah go (hopefully). After seeing the draft results as well, I think I am going to make Madison my #1 considering how liked she is by the VL. She must be a good person. Also, since she has history of the game- it would make sense to align with her over Olivia.

So Rebecka has finally communicated, was worried she had a grudge from Athena, but I know she's going through some things, hopefully she is better now. I do want to work with her, but I would be worried that she is more inclined to work against me than with me, hopefully I can work with her, she's a loyal person and I can use that.

Aye it’s my first confessional!! I’ve kinda been laying low from the start cuz I’ve been very busy in real life but I think everyone on my tribe is cool! I think this rounds tribal should be easy considering we have a 100% inactive but in survivor who knows what’ll happen.. I’m also not aligned with anyone at this point. I’m just chillin. But it’s a bummer we lost so hopefully someone reaches out to me soon! 

Jake just told me we are meant to be allies. I asked for his advise and he said he is there to help me, which is good for any future plans. I'm not sure if Heather trusts me the most anymore, but I know she thinks I'm right. I still have Luke 100% and hopefully tomorrow I can secure Trip more. Tomorrow is an easy vote day and Luke and I are going to use this opportunity to lay low and just trust build. Hopefully all goes to plan. Should we lose another immunity, we have a tentative plan in place. But hopefully, we won't get there.

I cant believe I somehow won my challenge even though I made a horribly dumb mistake! If my original assumption was right since we both won me and Olivia should have nothing to worry about. We all know who is going this tribal though. It would surprise me if it was not unanimous.

I’m glad I’m not going to be the first boot! A personal achievement. MadisonI’m super concerned about the advantage possibilities NOT GONNA LIE. And Jake S is sketchy. And Trip is playing hard wtf? Also I’m concerned that i was DRAFTED SO MUCH WTF. Like I’m happy but also I’m v concerned that people think I’m way more of a threat than I am. 

Honestly from yesterday to rn I read every single message over 3 times and  I still don't understand anything that people messaged me. I had to write this over 3 times since I'm so dizzy and brain dead from not sleeping and finals. I feel absolutely nothing atm and so  I can't tell if people are trying to screw me over or not. O well. I'm not that sad that we won, I don't know the other tribe so whatever.

Wow. So tribal's tonight and I'm mega excited. I can't wait to see how it goes and what question the judges ask and see who people voted for. I feel that this is an easy vote, but it's impossible to know what everyone is thinking. I'm excited for the next round and see what challenges the judges come up with. Overall, this first round has been incredible, especially since this is my first time playing, and I'm ecstatic to see what's next.

Well tribal is not too far away. I voted for Sarah, I'm hoping and guessing everyone else did too. Canada Jake's nickname for me is Moose, how freaking adorable is that. I love that guy. Today was supposed to be just a simple trust building day and then Trip blew that up lmao. I wonder if I tell Canada Jake that Trip excluded him if he would maybe get on board with what we need him to. I'm finding myself thinking way too far in advance when I just need to focus on what is happening now. With every move I imagine 1,000,000 different repercussions and how it could lead to me getting voted out. I want to go far so badly but I worry I won't make it past episode two. Just gotta take it one step at a time I guess.

This is probably my 100th confessional of the season (It's day 4), but Im totally enjoying my day off! We don't have to worry about going to tribal and losing a member of our team! What worries me though is that once the other tribe eliminates their inactive player, we'll be doomed at the next immunity.

Dang k9trip is salty at the moment. Rushing tribal to the extreme.

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

An alliance of Vi, Tara, and August was created on Iolaire.

An alliance called “Secret Tribe F5″ between Heather, Trip, Lukas, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

An all-girls alliance between Heather, AnnMarie, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

At tribal council, Sarah was eliminated in a unanimous vote:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168443384851/tribal-council-1-saorsa

[mbergen]

In the beginning of all this, I mentioned Tammy had 2 other nurse friends in New York City.  This is one of them. Carrie Ann. She has a Very Special Story to tell. Tammy and Carrie met at Kindred Hospital in Peoria, and then they both worked for awhile at IVCH in Peru Illinois. Carrie is a Travel Nurse and her specialty is OB, Labor and Delivery. Carrie’s Day 1 of 21 started on March 28 2020. She is staying at the New Yorker in Manhattan and working at Jacobi Medical Center in the Bronx. This is so heart wrenching to read her posts. But she is telling how it is. These are story’s that should be told. Their are some doubters out their that just don’t realize what is truly going on in this world with this virus. The people in the New York City are fighting for survival. We need to know what these nurses and doctors and all personal are going through to help these people daily, …..and you might wonder…. why do they do it?…..It’s because they feel the need to help. They are answering the call that they are trained for….It’s their LOVE OF LIFE AND PEOPLE. So in this blog I will copy the words directly from Carries FB site…..These will all be her words……Preserved for us all….

So Lets Follow her for her 21 days fighting Covid-19 in New York City

CarrieAnn is at Chicago O’Hare International Airport. March 27 at 9:57 AM · Chicago, IL ·

I’ve said it before .. being a nurse isn’t what I do, it’s who I am. It’s not always a choice, it’s a calling, sometimes you don’t even understand it yourself. So in the words of my little brother, Im going to “bring my ass home”, but for now, let’s do this New York

Jacobi Medical Center

CarrieAnn March 28 at 6:39 PM ·

Day 1. Jacobi Medical Center. I’m overwhelmed and proud to be part of this group of nurses. Ps didn’t post this morning.

CarrieAnn March 28 at 6:52 PM ·

So I’ve decided I’m going to do something I don’t normally do, and I’m going to post about my days while I’m here..as much as I can by the time I make it to the end of the day. And it’s not going to be your average sugar coated filtered Facebook bs, I’m going to be raw and honest about what is happening here. Unfriend me now if you don’t want to know. Day 1 started with some uncertainty because it’s the first day. No one really knows what they’re doing. A bus shuttles us from the hotel to the hospitals we are assigned to. There was a group of us on our first day so we had a day of hospital orientation before heading to the floors tomorrow. While waiting at the elevators to go up to education the nurse escorting us answered her phone and started crying, asking the person to repeat what they’d just said.. then cried out, and sobbed. She walked away then came back and told us one of their educators just died from corona. On the bus back to the hotel at the end of Day 1 and I receive a text from a newer nurse, I think she’s been a nurse 4 years, she’s young, a lovely girl, and she was assigned to Elmhurst. She just got on her bus, and this is what her Day 1 will look like. PLEASE PRAY.

Mar 29 at 8:59AM

Day 2 in NYC. I am still at Jacobi Center and I’m in Labor & Delivery where we still have plenty of supplies.

The text from my friend about her first night at a different hospital.

“ER -one nurse taking care of FIVE intubated “sedated” possible positive covid patients. five to one, he was just running around trying to keep a BP going. they are out of ALL supplies… they’re out of pumps!? they had fentanyl/levo/propofol gtts with no pumps. they were titrating by the roller clamp. maxed out on vent settings, with sats in 70-80s and they were happy with that sat. patients coding every couple minutes. it’s a 50 bed ER, and they have over 200 patients in there right now. patients just stacked on top of each other and having to move stretchers around to just reach a patient in the back row. they made a tent morgue outside of the ER and it’s full already.”

Feeling thankful beyond words for my assignment today, and praying this nurse has peace in her heart and mind this morning when she lays down to sleep. Even just for a few hours. ♥️

March 29 at 9:08PM

Today I got my assignment, and thanked God above my whole walk to the labor and delivery unit. That group of nurses were so appreciative -so thankful that we’re here to help- I’ve never felt so appreciated walking onto a shift. They took me in as one of their own made me feel welcome and did not miss an opportunity to thank me, all day long.

The TV in the break room runs between ABC NBC CNN and Fox news all day long, trying to keep up with the latest with Covid while managing our patients.

Employees at the hospital were picketing outside the emergency room and I’m not even really sure why… The biggest complaint I hear is about having to use the N95 masks for a week before we can get a new one. They gave out small brown paper bags, like a lunch bag, to store it in.

The labor and delivery unit is dated, and not well laid out. The cabinets are falling off hinges with long mismatched screws holding them on, and there is paint chipping off most of the corners of walls, and along the ceilings. But it doesn’t change the overall feeling of optimism on this unit, and in the midst of everything going on all around us, we had a delivery of a healthy baby girl today.

Every nurse that got on the bus wore her day on her face, some spoke it in words, some look defeated. One cried. We talked about our day.. the good, and the bad, then finished the bus ride back with our acapella rendition of Joe Diffys John Deere Green. RIP Joe

March 30 at 7:02PM

Day3. Today I learned why Mondays get a bad rap. New York hospitals did that. It doesn’t matter how experienced or strong of a nurse you think you are, you’re not ready for this. I got there, took my assignment in triage, and the door didn’t stop revolving. Within the first hour all the triage beds were full and there was a line waiting. Some were belligerent and cussing demanding to be seen, some were tearful, all were scared. Everyone’s wearing masks and complaining of how hot they are. Management is visible, on the floor working, asking what you need, how they can help.

These women are coming in alone, leaving their husbands, sisters, moms- whoever brought them- in the waiting room as they are assessed and treated. If they stay they can have one support person, no trading off- ONE person, per patient, per stay…. WHEN THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. Or when they’re not. Some of these girls are miscarrying, or having a threatened miscarriage, and they have to pick the one person that can sit next to them, hug them, tell them it’s going to be okay. One person. Because of this virus. Oh, and when they do deliver, dad gets one hour to bond then they have to leave .. til mom goes home.

Covid in pregnant women is a hard thing to look at. She’s struggling to breath and her 02 sats are in the 70-80s. Do you know how much oxygen that means her baby is getting? She went to ICU. I didn’t have time to check and see how she was doing after she left our floor.

I also didn’t have time to eat, drink, or pee. I can feel my heartbeat in my feet after sitting down for 10 minutes on this bus, and don’t even feel sorry for myself because I had more help than the night shift I just left.

March 31 at 9:27PM

I wasn’t going to post words tonight, but just a picture. If you haven’t seen it, this isn’t some professional National Geographic wait for the perfect poignant shot picture. It’s a snapshot, taken with a phone, by a nurse, here, in New York City.

But then…

Ive always been a believer of “to each their own”. I’ve never had a hard time respecting someone’s opinion or beliefs without agreeing with them myself. And then today I find myself typing out the words “you’re a fucking idiot” in response to a strangers comment on a friends post. A stranger. Going on and on about how this virus is a hoax. Well-?! .. is he..? an IDIOT?? Are people that fn STUPID? I just hope..these individuals don’t end up with the virus themselves and need the medical attention and treatment from one of these doctors or nurses that read that shit. Because I think, for the first time in my life I would walk on by.

April 5 at 7:05 PM

Day 5 was mixed. I am sore and I am tired. My back hurts from being on my feet for 15 hours a day, and there are open spots on the back of both my ears from wearing a surgical mask over the N95, to try to make it last longer. You end every day with a headache from the tightness and pressure of the N95 on your face all day. We have two rooms just dedicated to corona virus rule outs on Labor and Delivery, and we are going to ICU to do fetal monitoring for positive moms. We constantly weave in and out of ambulances on the way to and from the hotel. I’m not complaining.

I was present and praising God at the beginning of 2 new lives today. The OB charge nurse called the 4 of us crisis nurses together n she stood up and told us that when she saw on the news that nurses were coming from all over the country to help in NY, she was emotional and touched. When she heard her hospital was getting 200 nurses, she was excited. But when we walked onto her unit to work, she couldn’t believe it. She thanked us with a sincerity that was raw and I will never forget.

Across town my friend Sid had a different day. When she text me I put my phone down and cried. You don’t even have to be there to feel the terror of that shift. Its not plateaued, and it’s not slowing down. Again, she is not at the same hospital I am.

****five codes… they all die. staff is so so rude and unhelpful. it’s such a toxic environment. my patient was one of them at 0630. my vent stopped working because it’s a damn portable and he’s been on it for three days. they refused to get him another one and said that they had to save them for other patients… I bagged him for a good 30-45 minutes without a peep valve and of course he started to decompensate. it was me and a resident and nobody would help, he coded and died. the bus has left me. I have to wait for a van to come get me. we are reusing code carts over and over, we have no oxygen on the unit, the low oxygen alarms are going off, we are out of sedation, we’re using pediatric pulse ox’s… i’m doing things that are just going against my morals and it’s so hard to see how these patients are going down. I do not think covid is killing these people, it’s the lack of staff, education, equipment and resources…. *****

And so now there’s that.

Oh, and my other friend here, that I came with, she was in the ER today, positive.

CarrieAnn April 3 at 8:07 PM ·

On day 7, the Midwest is looking really good. After a week here, working nonstop, you’re a different person. I miss home, miss my kids and I miss my husband, Joshua, who tried everything from arguing to pleading with me not to go-because he was worried about my health-but has been indescribably supportive, and encouraging me every day. I love you. Im irritable and emotional. Tears fell out of my eyes and right down onto my patients bed yesterday as I’m leaning over her doing all the things when we lost fetal heart tones. That’s not how I nurse, and has nevvver happened. I just couldn’t help it. The feeling of impending doom is heavy. There are numerous morgue trailers, morgue tents, and mobile morgue trucks all over the city. Ambulances constantly speeding by, lights on, horns blaring. Don’t miss the view from my patients labor room below. The hospitals here have now started ethical triage. That’s when families are simply told there are no ventilators to save your family member. Do they need a ventilator to survive? Yes? Then roll them over there to die. People over 65 have been denied ventilators to give it to a younger person who has a better chance. WHAT-? Many healthcare workers here are writing their last will and testament. New York has now initiated orders that first responders cannot transport people to hospitals if they cannot be revived on the field. They just don’t…even…take…them.  Can you imagine, in our country, calling 911 because your wife can’t breath and they won’t even put her into the ambulance? Thousands of nurses, nurse practitioners and doctors have come to New York, and are risking their lives to help. NO ONE knows how they will respond to the virus..you may be okay, you may die. All you have to do is stay home. Or you could be standing in the emergency room hearing “I’m sorry but we don’t have a ventilator for your wife/son/daughter.” No bullshit. How bout the NYFD though, greeting nurses for our shift 🙌🏼❤️

.

CarrieAnn April 5 at 10:07 AM ·

Yesterday was day 8, and it was the closest representation of a “normal” day in labor and delivery. I had a 1:1 mag patient that I was able to give the appropriate amount of attention to, and I didn’t feel like running off the floor once. I’ve gotten a lot of support and kindness from the staff nurses here, and that makes a huge difference. There are 2 covid+ moms on the unit- these women are SICK- and we sectioned a mom that was in ICU because her oxygen was in the 80’s, and although she resisted having a c/s all day, insisting God would get her through it, her body couldn’t win out over the strain the virus was putting on it. Her baby was born alive and went to NICU.. but this unit continues to focus on life and beginnings. It’s upbeat- a small little bubble of happiness compared to the rest of this city. I also received a package from the best best friend, Lynn, with more “stuff” I couldn’t live without! Shaina, you’re a special kind of person, and I’ll never forget the N95s you had for yourself, but sent to me instead. ♥️ So I’ll use this opportunity to share some pics I’ve taken since I’ve been here..none too exciting, no touristy or cool things that one would want to see on their first trip to New York, but New York nonetheless.

Madison Square Garden

New Yorker, Carries Hotel

CarrieAnn April 5 at 3:02 PM ·

Live♥️ NYFD here showing love to the health care workers!

CarrieAnn Munson April 6 at 9:38 AM ·

Day 9….Yesterday was my 9th day in a row working in New York City. The NYFD came to Jacobi and showed the nurses and docs some love, and that was cool. L&D was slow so I was floated to PEDS, which isn’t pediatrics at all anymore. It’s now an adult med-surg with double occupancy rooms. Practically every patient is covid positive or covid rule-out. The stream of admissions literally doesn’t stop and I heard the charge nurse say I’m at maximum capacity now so what do I do- put 3 in a room? The mood is still upbeat. This charge nurse was joking and laughing, trying to keep his nurses light and moral high. One of the nurses in my group got onto the bus tearful, saying she lost one of the patients she’s taken care of since we arrived here. A 38 year old man, who left his wife and 10 year old son, and died alone because of quarantine. The things etched in our minds eye and memories are hard to explain in words, you just can’t understand it without seeing it. The people who are really sick go from bad to worse quickly, and recovery, if at all, is very slow. The few people that do get extubated, are still 100% dependent on BiPAP. For those who are intubated, more than half are on very strong medications to keep their blood pressure up. And still many of them are dying anyway, despite our best efforts. The most tragic part, is that they are alone. Staff uses their iPhones regularly so that families can use FaceTime to see their person one last time, and say goodbye. There are videos people are taking suggesting that the situation in New York is not as bad as the media projects. I don’t have the time to watch all the news right now, and I can agree that the streets, even around the hospitals, are not crowded. However, that is NOT an accurate depiction of where actual patient care is being provided. At least in Queens, and the Bronx.. even Manhattan, every department that cares for the critically ill is stretched way beyond normal capacity. I have been working with nurses and physicians, anesthesiologists, general surgeons, gynecologists, physician assistants, nurse practitioners, and nurse anesthetists, all of whom have been stepping in to do their best to function as intensive care and/or emergency medical providers. In the emergency room, there literally is no more room for additional stretchers, and those less ill are sitting in chairs, for hours and hours. This pandemic is real. The severity, which luckily doesn’t seem to impact the majority, is devastating for the minority. Please- distance yourself from others. Act like you have it, and everyone who doesn’t live with you has it too. You may get Covid, you may not. You may get really sick, you may not. But you could be the reason someone else does, without ever knowing.. and some of them are DYING. Dying with no family member there in their final moments…and that would be much worse than missing out on time with your friends, or not eating in your favorite restaurant.

CarrieAnn  April 7 at 8:24 PM ·

Day 10….Yesterday was day 10. My friend was woken by a call on her room phone from the NYPD, saying there was a complaint against her and she needed to come to the police station for questioning. The officer told her he didn’t want to embarrass her so he would give her time to shower, and she could wear her street clothes (not scrubs) down to the lobby where he would meet her in 40 minutes, walk her out and cuff her before putting her into his car. She called home to fill them in and was told to call the police station back and ask questions. She learned that no officer had called her, no complaint had been filed against her, and no officer was coming to pick her up to take her to the police station for questioning. She notified our company who quickly made arrangements to move her, and make her non-registered. They are also making frequent checks on her. So not only are we fighting the virus, lack of sleep and hot meals, long hours on our feet, homesickness, death in our faces…. now we have to worry about abduction, or worse. W. T. F. Today was my 11th day working in New York. It was a good day. I was just a labor nurse, it was a nice pace, with wonderful fellow nurses, and a good delivery. God is present, and He is good. I am tired, and homesick, He knew I needed a day like this.

CarrieAnn April 9 at 6:04 AM ·

I have NO WORDS for the overwhelming feeling of gratitude and appreciation to each and every one of you- and I know who you are- that took the time out of your day -and money out of your wallet- to send me something here in New York to make my time easier. I’ll never forget it. ♥️♥️♥️

CarrieAnn  April 9 at 7:03 PM ·

Day 13….Today was my 13th day here. Today we also had military nurses arrive at the hospital and assigned to the floor. It is an actual deployment for them. Today I started my shift counting the codes paged overhead, and just realized I stopped counting at 11, hours ago. Today we started swabbing all patients admitted to labor, regardless if they show symptoms or not. Have any of you had this done?..or seen it done?… if you haven’t yet, go ahead and search a video. The swab goes up your nostril all the way back, to your throat. Thrrroaat. Their eyes water and they try to stall, some women push the providers hands away over and over..and then they swab the other side. I miss home, and it feels so much longer than 2 weeks. But I have so much love and support from home..thanks again to all of you that sent me care packages, you can’t know how much of a difference it makes. And this unit continues to make each of us one of their own, embracing us more every day, with endless thank you’s. I still feel healthy, with no signs of illness, so I won’t be whining or complaining.

This is Carrie’s first 13 days.  It is so hard to comprehend as we just sit here every day waiting for the days to pass.  We see it on the news, but the reality does really have the full impact unless you know someone who is fighting the fight……Part 2 will follow her to DAY 21

Part 1….Carrie in New York….Tammy’s Friend….Coronavirus In the beginning of all this, I mentioned Tammy had 2 other nurse friends in New York City.

[theoneandonlysaucymo]

Once Upon a Dream

Prompt: Steve Rogers X Reader oneshot

Words: 1,500

A/N: Im working on these fics heres a little oneshot ive been working on for a few months now......school is a joy kill for writing then getting back into it is tough too lol. Well enjoy!

Tags: @hymnofthevalkyries @mylittlefandomfanfictions @feelmyroarrrr  @angryschnauzer @hellomissmabel @hollycornish

My MasterPost

               He didnt remember falling asleep, he remembered the burst of  cold, glass shattering around him gasping for air at the shock, his body hurt but then in a flash went numb. He couldn’t remember anything else just easily falling asleep the freezing temperatures taking over.

           Then it was like he never went to sleep. He was in a small cafe, sitting right outside looking at what appeared to be New York? It sounded like New York, cabs honking away, cars idling far longer than drivers would’ve wished to, sound of different shoes all walking down the street. The streets looked different, however, large screens displayed ads, the buildings were mostly made of glass and metal, the bricks replaced with stronger material. There he sat looking around glancing to his right as a woman with Y/H/C and bright Y/E/C worked over some books. She had a strange device she was typing away at then flipping away at a large book. He at least knew a textbook when he saw one but even then...that book was massive. She was lost in her own little world and something about that mesmerized him, she was beautiful messy bun, no make up, tired eyes and all, he could've stare at her all day. She had seemed to notice the time, closing her strange device she was typing at, gathering her things, and it all seemed to fade away to black.

           It didnt stay black for long. The next place, he was in central park sitting on a bench near the statue of two eagles and a ram. This place at least had not chanced from his memory, he remembered coming here walking the park and seeing that statue many times. It wasnt the statue that caught his eye, that woman was here again this time sitting on a blanket in the grass, warm sun shining down to help light the pages of her book again. It was another textbook, she must've been a very dedicated student but a bark caught his attention as he saw a small corgi running towards her being led by another. The womans face sitting down, lit up as she greeted the dog her textbook closed and forgotten for the time being. He watched her hair shining in the sunlight throwing a ball for the dog who happily bounced back with it. It was her smile he couldnt take his eyes away from, it was bright taking up her whole face as she looked relaxed and happy.

           That world faded out again, next it was an apartment dimly lit, he could see the woman again this time at a kitchen table still dressed in what looked like scrubs. Papers were thrown about, crumpled sheets lined the floor around her as she wrote another word before crumpling that paper as well. She was so focused on the work infront of her it seemed she barely noticed how late it was. She let out a cute yawn sitting back finally and rubbing her eyes looking up at the clock sighing in defeat for the moment before he saw her close a book and head off down the hall. He waited not sure if he should follow but before he could move her phone went off and she was rushing back down the hall grabbing her jacket and keys and quickly leaving the house. He was suddently in a hospital busy night from the looks of it and there she was running around with medical charts, bags heavy under her eyes but she still had a smile as she went from room to room.

           The fading seemed to come quicker now, he didnt spend as much time as the first time. He couldn't hear noises anymore, the things arounud him started to blur and he heard a faint sound of a radio. He was at the cafe again, this time sitting across from her. She had headphones in tapping her foot in the air to the song. She just had a cup of coffee in front of her, no books, no massive amounts of paper, just a woman relaxed. Well mostly relaxed, she was still in scrubs so whatever she had been studying for she apparently had passed. The normal calm of a busy city was quickly interrupted when he heard screaming, he didnt know exactly what was happening. Buildings were being blown to bits, debris falling below, cars over turning as what looked like gunfire was the cause. He wanted to look around but it was all a giant blur, only thing he could see was that woman again, same small café this time she was trying to help someone. Everything around him continued to fall into chaos this woman continued to try and help. Then he saw something he tried to react to, he tried to stop getting in the way of the flying debris but it went straight through him hitting her. He turned around but didn’t see her at first, panic set in as he couldn’t find her and as hard as he tried to stay in this moment everything was turning black.

           The next time his eyes opened...Steve was in a room a baseball game playing on the radio and the sun shining through a window. Something wasn’t right, he had been to that game sat in the nose bleeds but....he had been there. A knock at his door startled him, he was starting to process this time....this time wasn’t a dream. He could smell the woman’s perfume, feel the stiff sheets below him, he could vaguely hear  other sounds....not the radio but other things muffled. His mind went to that girl again, just everything here felt so wrong he had to get out. Little did he know...that room had been the most normal thing. When he ran out of the building the whole city had changed his senses were overwhelmed....this was certainly not a dream anymore.

           It took awhile....a very long while for Steve to even slightly adjust to his home city again. Everything had advanced he was still excited about seeing Stark technology now.....that was something he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. Everyone carried around a phone in their pocket...not on a wall...no more chords attacked, accept to power it up again, and they were addicted to them. This world had advanced so much he just felt like a man out of his time. He sat at a coffee shop notebook on the table sketching trying to remember what this city used to look like. People a bit more friendly, not as much of a tourist spot, and  more green space too. He had been visiting every coffee shop around New York he could. He knew all that before was a dream but....he could hope anyways, hope to see that girls smile again. He was just about to give up when close to Tony’s building he managed to get a glimpse of her. It was brief and he had almost missed it, dressed in scrubs name badge he could finally see, he had held the door open for her as she carried a large order of coffee. She smiled thanking him looking up at him with bright and shining Y/E/C eyes before heading back down the street disappearing in the mass of people. Steve could have kicked himself but at least now he had a name, Y/N.

           Trouble seemed to always find Steve and sure enough another part of his dream was starting to come true. He could now see those blurs flying around were these aliens from another world. People were fleeing from every corner trying desperately to get away from the chaos. An all too familiar scene was starting to play out as he darted through the streets trying to get people off them and into the underground. He stopped dodging a crashing  ship before he looked over spying the Café. His eyes went wide when he saw her just as before helping someone getting them out of harms way before going back for someone else. His body reacted rushing for her events playing out just like that dream a large piece of debris falling right above her, she was clueless again too busy worrying about others. He reached out this time he could touch her as he pulled away from where she was behind him, his shield coming up as he took the brunt of the weight of the falling debris protecting her from him. This time when he turned around she was safe, her Y/E/C looking up at him with a bit of shock not sure what had just happened and where this guy came from. Steve held out his hand to help her off the ground.

           “Thank you...have we met?” She asked looking at him with a bit more detail now. His face looked familiar.

           “Steve Rogers, and I don’t think so,” Steve lied through his teeth but smiled at her blocking a blast from a ship whizzing by. “Let’s get you and these people off the street.”

           “I'm not sure how I can thank you,” She smiled as Steve followed her in helping the last person to the subway entrance and she paused looking at him before she too was to head down.

           “How about  coffee with me after all this?” Steve smiled, “May need to pick a new place.” She smiled up to him and laughed with a nod

            “I think coffee may be a fair enough trade Mr. Rogers.” 

[avengersassemble-fics]

buy me a cup of coffee

hey guys so personal post incoming, if you wanna know what’s been going on just keep reading. you don’t have to honestly but those of you who do i greatly appreciate it.

if you’ve been around for awhile you know that i do suffer from chronic depression (dysthymia if you wanna get medical about it) and have for about three to four years now. it got really bad my senior year when my dad was laid off from his job in the oil field so after graduating i took the semester off to work and save money for school. that semester turned to a year off because my family needed me to start helping to pay bills so we wouldn’t lose our house (this is about when I became inactive on here).

things got better for awhile. mom and dad were working together and i was finally applying to go to college until a month ago when the ceiling in my brothers room collapsed and now there’s a hole. some college money went to that and i also had to take on some car payments. no biggie, right?

monday night i decided to check and see the award status of my financial aid for college and found out that i am not being offered any pell grants and only a small loan worth $2,000 each semester. i had four anxiety attacks over the course of the next day because i have to pay for my classes, textbooks, and my monthly bills now while working a minimum wage job. needless to say ya girl is stressed and terrified about everything.

so i created a buy me a cup of coffee if anybody would be interested in supporting me. im not trying to guilt anybody into giving me money, that really isn’t the point, but i wanted to let people know what’s going on in my life and why i decided to do this. ive wanted to make one even before this happened monday, but never got around to it.

like always, your support has been such a blessing to me. i want you all to know i see your messages, i read every ask and it makes me feel so much better about my life knowing there are people out there who actually like me and who i am. amongst my self loathing i get to talk to all you beautiful people and it really brightens my life.

this is not a grab for money, but please if you’d like to support me in any way, even kind words help me, id appreciate it.

buy me a cup of coffee

[yeetussfetus]

oh boi. ive been writing this since an hour ago and if its bad then too bad.

Walon Vau walked down the long corridors on kamino, towards the training courses, specifically where the Delta squad was. They were about to be deployed on yet another mission, but before hand, they asked to get some training in. walon vau thought about it and eventually agreed to it because one, the mission was in a few days, and two, he wanted to make sure that they were ready to deal with the mission. However, on the way there, he bumped into a shorter (listen idk shit about his height but i'm pretty sure u have to be like pretty fukin tall to beat his height dont @ me) person, and when he looked down, he had to fight the urge to smile. It was you, the young medic who had been dispatched to kamino to help with the clones in training to become fine medics.

You looked up, about to apologize to whoever you might’ve bumped into, but you stopped when you saw that it was Walon Vau. “_____, what a surprise to see you here.” his thick accent was almost calming for you. “Same to you, Vau. I’m on a small break, one of the trainees cut himself with a scalpel.” you almost laughed, pinching the bridge of your nose. “He was nervous that he wasn’t doing well, and he always needs reassurance that he's doing the wrong thing.”

Vau smirked. “What, from your teaching?” you knew he was joking, but you pretended to be offended by his comment. “Rude. No, actually, his Kaminoan trainer would criticize him about everything and, well, now he feels like he has to be supervised.” vau stopped smirking, and shifted his helmet from under his arm.

You two had met when he injured himself trying to clean Mird’s teeth: he had cut his hand pretty badly and unfortunately for him, every medic was busy with someone else. So he sat there, in their little waiting room, and was about to go and just patch it up himself, when he saw you walk up to him and ask what he needed. He gruffly shoved his hand towards you, getting a little blood on your pants, but you didn’t mind. He stayed silent the entire time and afterward, thanked you before leaving. Afterwards, he didn’t really notice it, but he did get another cut 2 days later, this time on his leg (yes, because of Mird). 

So he showed up in the waiting room, and coincidently, you were the only one available. You patched it up, and sent him on his way, but this time he made some very, very small talk. Ever since then, whenever he had a new wound or if he broke something, he would go to you for assistance. Soon enough, he became your most frequent patient. 

“Well, have you found a way to get his shit together?” You sighed and replied, “No, not yet. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to but unfortunately i also have a class to teach.” He nodded, understanding your words. “Well, if you have time, you can come with me to see my soldiers in training. I’m sure one of them might help you afterward.”

You thought for a moment. You did need help trying to get this one cadet to straighten up, and he was holding your class back when you taught them, and you would get to chat with your… friend? You wouldn’t call him that, he was more of a work friend if anything. You also didn’t have anything planned for the rest of the day since your classes had ended early. So, why not?

~

Watching as the four clones fought against one another was almost surprising. You never thought that Vau was this serious. The fact that he had decided to use real blasters instead of stun ones almost surprised you, but then you remembered that this was Walon Vau you were talking about. Of course he would do something like this, why wouldn’t he?

Seeing one of them almost fall from their position on a tall pillar made you almost physically cringe. Not because it was embarrassing, but it would have been a nasty fall. Vau pretended not to notice, but he did, and thought it was because of the fact that Sev had almost fallen from his position, but then remembered the height of the pillar he was standing on and the fact that you were a medic.

After a few more minutes, the only one standing was a tall clone wearing orange armour, while the rest were a bit… no, not a ‘bit’, more like one of them was on the ground. You heard Vau sigh before opening the doors and walking inside. You watched as Vau yelled some orders at the clones and they immediately got up and got in line. You watched as he yelled some more orders at them, none of them flinching one bit. When he was done, he ordered them to follow him and they did so without hesitation. 

Walking into the room where you were standing, they were almost surprised to see you, a random person who they’ve never met before. You simply stood there as Vau explained, “Soldiers, this is ____, a medic who teaches cadets, and she's also… patched up some of my wounds. Sh-” 

Suddenly, his comm blared and he sighed angrily, and answered it, and you all heard, “Sergeant Vau, you’re needed by Skirata, he wouldn’t specify what it could be, but he did say that-” Vau cut off the speaker and then almost growled. He turned towards the four clones, and said, “Stay here. I’ll be back.” He gave you a nod, signaling that you could leave whenever you wanted to before stomping out of the room, probably to go get Mird and awaken her from her nap. 

So that’s how you were left with the four extremely tall clones who were just… staring at you.

At first, it was just silent stares, before one who had yellow armour suddenly asked, “How do you know Walon Vau?” The one who won the battle shot his head towards the almost hyper clone. The yellow clone noticed his brother staring at him, and whisper-yelled, “What?! It's just a question!”

“It's fine! I don’t mind. As he said, he had an injury and it needed to be patched up.”

The yellow clone suddenly almost beamed like he was a lighthouse, and even though he had a helmet on, you were able to tell that he was smiling. “Woah, really? From what?” The same orange armoured clone whispered something to his brother, along the lines of, “Scorch!”

So that’s his name… 

The yellow armoured clone, or Scorch, simply gave his brother a shrug. He then turned back to you, before saying, “Oh, yeah, almost forgot! I’m Scorch, the bossy one is, well, Boss, the grumpy head over there is Sev, and then there's the bookworm, Fixer.”

You saw the clone named Sev turn his head towards his brother. Fixer didn’t react. Actually, he hadn't reacted at all. He was just standing there. As the other three clones almost argued with each other, you just stared at Fixer. Soon the rest of the group saw you staring at Fixer, they turned towards him. Scorch almost scoffed, and smacked his brother on the head, saying “Hey. Fixer. Get out of your library for a sec, we’re arguing.”

Fixer stumbled, before turning to his brother, not saying anything at all, and then said, “I’m doing something. Wait a minute.” … and then continued to stare into nothing.

Scorch simply sighed, before going to sit in a chair that was next to a table. “Since Skirata was the one who called Vau, it's probably gonna be awhile before he's gonna be back. Sit down, let's talk.”

------------------------------

omg im finally done. also if i have any errors here pls pls pls jsut tell me im writing this on sheer anger 

also idk if i’ve said this before but this is gonna be a platonic relashionship. i cant write romantic things pls dont get mad. and no, i havent read the books or played the games, and if u have a problem with that then i will come for ur spine :)

ive been going off the lovely personality explanations of @clonewarslover55 thank u for them thank u