#ive been dying to reach queue

[ag-updates-and-archives]

m0shpics MP.285 | Circa Survive | 2014 ___________________

🗓: 5/18/14 🎤: @.circasurvive 📍: @.skateandsurffest 📸: @.censorme

[dogboots]

to be honest with everybody I don't think I'm supposed to be here. I think I'm supposed to be somewhere else

[kyri45]

✨ISAT Sky: Cotl!AU Q&A ✨

Welcome to the Q&A! A space where I can answer related or similar question about the ISAT Sky: Cotl!AU! If you submitted your ask anonimously, then you’ll have to check the whole post if it’s answered here, if it’s not, worry not! Your asks might have been used for a future comic or just in the queue~

Anonimo ha chiesto: sometimes when im bored i just go to your profile to position your pfp to siffrin's hands so it looks like they're holding you

I feel threatened bc if Siffrin would know what I'm making them pass through with the next comic updates he would crush me insteantly with a fist.

Anonimo ha chiesto: Damn Siffrin is dying and no one will ever remember them. 😔 Oh Loo~ooop!

Loop coming to save the day even tough they aren't paid enough for this shit

Anonimo Siffrin isn't aware of the hole in the wall you can go through for those two statues without having to get pelted by rocks smh my head. (said jokingly) ((Love your comic btw!! Thank you for this AU, I love it))

THE

WHAT?

YOU CAN GO THROUGH A WALL TO GET THEM WITHOUT RUNNING FOR YOUR LIFE?????

Anonimo My reaction to this chapter of ISAT COTL CROSSOVER AU (10/9/2024) GO BBG YOU GOT THIS IN THE BAG!! OH YOU DO NOT GOT THIS IN THE BAG.. oh now you're out of the bag oh god ruh roh

Oh yeah he does NOT have this.

Anonimo pst hey hey are you gonna pose the statues, it would be funny i swear totally not more heartbreaking for siffr- WAIT HOW WOULD THEY REACT TO THE FACT YOU CAN BARELY SAVE ALL OF THE STATUES WHEN YOU REACH THE FOREVER STORM PART-

he has enough memories that he should recover a good amount of statues. It's not a matter of wheter or not he can save everyone, but mostly themself....

Anonimo ha chiesto: Hey so I cannot believe I am so late to see your ISAT and Sky AU because I love!! Both of them!! So much!! And I just wanted to thank you for making it and sharing it with us because it’s really cool! And both fandoms need more attention imo <333 @ucorpwhalingyaoi ha chiesto: I know NOTHING about cotl but my god your isat au of it has made me want to play it so bad 💔 (very /pos…) @primrosechronicles ha chiesto: HEYYYY ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE IVE SENT AN ASK!! Ive been silently reading the isat comic since my last ask and im very very proud of you for making this far!!! mwahh!!! Thank you for inspiring me to play sky again, cuz if not i wouldn't have able to meet my sky friends Anonimo ha chiesto: first of all, I came here from the shadowpeach au but your comics dragged my ass to the ISAT fandom second of all, HOW DARE YOU PLAYED WITH MY HAPPINESS LIKE THAT (love your art and story telling, I wanna eat it like a fancy dinner) @prince0fghosty ha chiesto: It's been hard for me to find Sky: Children of the Light content anywhere! I found you through a friend and not only are you interested in Sky but also Lego Monkie Kid this is truly the best day ever!!! I got back into the game because of you. I like to help moths out in Eden @phoenix-is-here ha chiesto: You are the person who introduced me to the ISAT fandom and I gotta say thank you for that. That's one of the best games I've ever played and I would have never known about it without stumbling onto your account first (because of a strong hyperfixation on a show about monkeys ofc) so.. Accept this virtual cookie and glass of milk as a gift : 🍪 Anonimo ha chiesto: I followed for the shadowpeach, stayed for Sky CotL, keep cookin

HIII!!! AND TYSM!!!!!

@elianaroselight ha chiesto: This feels a little silly, but what is ISAT? I read through your ISAT Sky AU comic and I feel like I am missing half of the story. I love what I'm seeing so far and want more, but I also don't know or completely understand who the characters are and why I should care about them (more than I do already at least). Sorry if this is silly. I just want to understand.

ISAT is short for "In Stars And Time". It's an RPG game made by @insertdisc5. ABsolutely go check it out otherwise you wont understand a thing about the characters of the AU!

when i was reading the most recent page of the In Skies and Time™️ comic I had the most hilarious image in my head of just a bunch of sky kids smacking down on the same area and making this. sky kid pileup????? [since it seems liek theyre all gonna come back like that..] it was super funny to imagine 30 CAR PILEUP 🔥🔥🔥

AWWW SKY KID MOUNTAIN!! Lol probably it would happen? Like when you do Eden just after reset and when you get reborn there's like 7 other players clipped in you rebirth animation in the aviary /home space

Anonimo ha chiesto: Awwwww Bonnie was so excited 😢

poor Bonnie they will get their comfort moment eventually

@sohrleas ha chiesto: YOU YOU'RE THE REASON WHY I got Sky 'cause I saw your isat sky au and got super curious about the game Your art is beautiful and I love it 💚💚💚

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO!!!!

Anonimo ha chiesto: HOPEFUL STEWARD WOOOOO-

IT'S MY BOY!!

@o0mochacoffee0o This isn’t related to you Bio dad AU Like my usuals- I just saw in your abut that you like CotL! Now you share two of my interests!! I’m curious to know your favorite parts of the game, if you have any ships, head canons, etc!! I always love listening to people’s opinions on things I love!

About Scotl? I don't have any specific headcanon, but I do ship Moments Guide and Reassuring Ranges. The only thing that I crave for that game is MORE LORE GODDAMN IT

Anonimo ha chiesto: When I said the fun was dying. I did not expected this. I'M SCREAMING AND PUNCHING THE BED NOOOOOOOOOOOO SIFFF

*sips coffee* welcome to hell (literally)

Anonimo ha chiesto: "is that thing a sadness?!" sweet summer child that thing is a menace of death

It absolutely is

Anonimo ha chiesto: Poor Siffrin’s gotta be absolutely TERRIFIED Big scary beast thing spotted them AND suddenly getting bathed in the color they associate with bad stuff? I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t be quaking in their boots.

He is in desperate need of comfort that wont come in like- a irl month I think

Anonimo ha chiesto: I know you won’t be doing the golden wastelands but… Once the party discovers that the groundwater has the same effect as the forest rain, Isabeau decides to bridal carry Siffrin the whole way. Leaving Siffrin a blushy mess. Also, almost if not everyone is scared shitless of the Dark Dragons/Krill (totally not projecting)

ooooohh that is soooo cute i'm dying!!!!!

Anonimo ha chiesto: THE FAKE ACT 4 LOOKING SMILE . THE ACT 5 EDEN MOMENT. THE PARTY BEING SENT BACK . DIES "oh yeah if I still have energy I can loop back" ← me when I'm lying

@starlight-and-clockwork ha chiesto: bawling and kicking and screaming and pulling my hair out THAT PANEL OF SIFFRIN ASKING HIS FAMILY TO REMEMBER HIM WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER YOU ARE SO TALENTED AND CAUSE ME MUCH PAIN THANK U<3

@aro-aces-world ha chiesto: I just caught up with ISAT sky au Fuck you /affectionate

Thank you! Be ready to be even more destroyed by the following updates!

@cherryblossomventi ha chiesto: I’m gonna go feral, Sif did that because he knows he can kinda come back from this with the shooting star thing Im guessing but the others cant/might not because they aren’t from this land,,, oh buddy why didn’t you tell them stop being cryptic idiot

Sif doesn't really remember that he can be reborn like in Sky. He knows only that, if he can reach the light right at the base of the cataclysm, then maybe he can return as well.

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[anotherimaginethatblog]

Family Gatherings

Meet the parents.

Pairing: Kenny x reader

Warnings: small mention of something cheeky ... maybe more in part 2

Summary: you finally make the trip to meet Kenny’s family.

so i finally found the time to sit and write a little and this ended up being a lil longer than expected bit ive enjoyed writing this one, probably be a part two (possibly 3) so let me know what you think x 

hope you like it 

You were nervous, you had been since the day Kenny booked your airline ticket to Winnipeg so you could finally meet his family. You had heard all the stories about them, and they sounded lovely, but you were still, naturally nervous. Constant thoughts had flown through your head since the day you packed, what if they didn’t like you? Didn’t approve of you? you took another sip of your drink hoping the soothing flavour would relax you.

An hour later the pilot informed the plane full of weary passengers that the flight would be making its late arrival at the airport shortly, you began to gather your things up and pack them back into your designer backpack Kenny had bought you as a gift but couldn’t help thinking you’d made a mistake by bringing it, what if they thought you were showing off? Too gaudy? “breathe” you told yourself “it’ll be fine, they’ll love you” you said trying to boost your self-confidence.

“sorry mam, but would you mind stowing your bag? Were going to land soon that’s all” asked the kind stewardess who had given you that extra miniature off the drinks trolly earlier, probably due to the anxiety she saw on your face after striking up a conversation about why you’d be visiting Winnipeg in November.

“sure, sorry” you smiled back.

 Finally, After the stress of the queue at passport control, your bag coming off the plane last and trying to find your way out of the baggage hall altogether you were here. You grabbed your phone out of your bag to see a text from Kenny already, “waiting in the arrivals hall, ring me when your out” it read. You dialled his number and he picked up immediately, so quick he must have been waiting for you thought. “finally, you here yet?” he laughed.

“yeah, just got through, been a nightmare” you replied, “where you at?” you asked him.

“just at the coffee shop with my dad, well wait here for you. You’ll see it if you walk to the end”.

“okay babes see you in a sec” you replied before hanging up, instantly feeling nervous. His dad. You were going to meet his dad for the first time in an airport after hours of travel. Fantastic.

You saw Kenny straight away, those two-tone curls where recognisable anywhere. He looked relaxed and rested whilst he sat chatting to his dad unbeknown to you about how nervous he was for you to see his home and family. “what if she thinks I’m a huge loser once she’s seen I’m just a weird kid from Canada?” he asked his dad. His anxiety spiking in anticipation.

“she won’t, she sounds a great girl and clearly likes you so stop worrying.” His dad replied smiling at his son.

So deep in conversation they hadn’t seen you approach, “hey ken” you said, smiling from ear to ear at finally being reunited.

“babe, you look amazing, I missed you so much” said Kenny, words spilling out with a huge smile in his face as he looked you up and down, clearly appreciating the effort you had made. “this is my dad, (y/n)” he said stepping to the side to introduce the older gentleman who looked very much like his son.

“hi, I’m (y/n), I’m so happy to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you Kenny always talks about you” you replied any nerves melting away at how normal and nice he seemed, internally laughing at why you were so nervous in the first place.

“nice to meet you too, we’ve heard everything about you I’m so glad you managed to make it out. Big freeze on the way” he said. “let’s get home, before it’s too dark and your mother kills us for being late.” He laughed.

Kenny grabbed your bags and you both followed to the car as soon as you left the terminal you regretted your choice of coat. The leather jacket though warm was not enough to keep your heat against the cold Canadian weather “I told you to get a good coat (y/n)” said Kenny shaking his head at you.

“okay, I just thought you where exaggerating” you replied shivering.

“your so cute, its not far to walk” he said.

After realising Kenny’s definition of short walk was not the same as yours you reached the car and were incredibly grateful when his dad opened it for you so you could jump straight in. “thankyou” you told him while he cranked the heat up for you.

“no problem, its not a far drive either so well have you home and warm in a little while” he told you smiling at your lack of appreciation for the Canada winters.

 After a 40-minute drive you were at Kenny’s childhood home, it was just what you had imagined after hearing all of the stories from him about living in the suburbs as a kid. It was your classic suburban home with a lawn out front and a porch to sit on. It was actually really cute, you where excited to see inside. Kenny’s dad got out and left you two to make your way in, all of a sudden you where back to the nervous girl on the plane with the millions of questions about whether you where enough flooding your brain. All of a sudden Kenny planted his lips on yours and you snapped out of whatever you where thinking of immediately “they’re gonna love you, because I love you” he said. It was like he could read your mind and you kissed him back, you’d missed him so much in the time you’d been apart and if it wasn’t for being in his dads car outside his parents house you’d have climbed over and had him right there in the car. The moment was perfect for it … but the location was severely lacking. “we better get in the house before my mom sends my dad back out to get us” he smirked pulling away, clearly thinking the same thoughts you had been a few minutes prior.

“okay” you smiled back “lets go”.

 Once inside the house you felt relaxed all of a sudden, it felt like a home and all the stress you had had about the visit faded away. You took your coat and shoes off and followed Kenny into the kitchen where a beautiful blonde lady stood at the counter. “Tyson, and this must be (y/n). your so pretty” she said patting her son on the shoulder in an approving manor.

“thanks mom, I’m glas you two finally get to spend some time together. It’ll be nice to have the family all under one roof again.” He replied, with his mum giving you the once over.

“I’m so glad you’ve finally brought us a girl home, I thought you’d never setlle down to be honest” she said teasing her only son.

“mom” he said laughing back “I’m gonna take our stuff up, my room yeah?” he asked

“mhmm, and (y/n) across the hall” she said trying to gauge her sons reaction.

“your joking, I’m a grown man mom” said Kenny laughing trying to cover for the fact he’d been wanting to get you into bed since he’d seen you in the airport in those skin tight pants he loved so much.

“Its fine” you interjected not wanting to upset Kenny’s mum and to stop a fight over a room before you’d even settled in. “its fine, I totally respect that. We respect that don’t we ken” you said looking at him with pleading eyes to drop it.

“fine, its fine” he said turning to walk upstairs leaving His mum feeling guilty, though she would never admit it. Honestly she had no problem with the two of you sharing a room but who wants to hear the inevitable through thin walls on the first weekend of meeting your sons possible future wife.

“thankyou” she mouthed quietly to you smiling at how gracious and kind you had been at trying to avoid an awkward situation on your first meeting. You smiled back and followed Kenny upstairs to your room for the next few days. It was a gorgeous guest room, you dropped your bags off and crossed the hall to see Kenny in his childhood room. It was painted blue and like you expected there where wrestling and hockey pictures and posters all over the walls. “cute,” you said smiling at him

“its changed a little but not much” he said smiling back “my mom painted but put all my pictures back up” he laughed.

“that’s sweet, she probably wanted it to be the same for when you got back” you said.

“not that I ever got the chance much” Kenny sadly replied.

“she understood why though” you mentioned reassuringly with your arm on his back.

“you know, I never thought id get a hot girl in my room” he said laughing

“you still wont” you said getting up to go downstairs “come on lets go hang out” you laughed Kenny following reluctantly.

 you spent the rest of the evening chilling out in the kitchen, drinking wine with his mum while him and his dad watched sports on tv. “I’m glad I got to meet you” his mum said to you smiling

“me too, I’m so glad to finally meet everyone and happy for Kenny to spend some family time at home, he’s always on the road I’ve told him he needs to make more of an effort” his mum appreciating your words.

“yeah but he’s busy doing what he loves, I would never tear him away from that” she said laughing at him and his dad.

A few hours later it was time to head to bed, his mum and dad had called it a night a few hours earlier but you and Kenny had stayed up to chill and watch a little tv together. “I’m heading up babe” you said pecking him on the cheek

“okay babe me too then” he said getting up to turn everything off  before following you upstairs

You waited for him at the top of the stairs, pulling him into a hug “guess ill see you in the morning” you teased

“unless you wanna sneak over in a little bit” he teased

“Kenny … no, I don’t want to disrespect your mom” you said back shrugging.

“okay okay, can I at least get a hand job in the bathroom” he laughed  

“goodnight Kenny” you said turning to walk away.

After completing your evening routine you settled down for the night, it was hard to drift off knowing your man was just over the hall, who you had been dying to touch since before the last time you had said goodbye all those weeks ago. Eventually your eyes began to feel heavy and just as you where settling in for the night your phone began to buzz, straight away you knew who it was. – im lonely- it read, you rolled your eyes, it was gonna be along night.

[du0tine]

well, fuck.

this isn’t great. frankly its horrible.

it’s never fun being suspended so high in the air with the harsh winds blowing roughly in your direction forcing you to seek shelter against the icy and snowy mixture of rock that sits atop the towering mountain.

to be honest, had it been any other day this would’ve been thrilling. being up here in harsh conditions, struggling to hold on and testing my mental and physical capabilities would’ve been so much fucking fun.

but there are days where you just imagine the rope that holds you up so high, snapping and slicing against a sharp piece of rock as you plummet to your death. the sky is the last thing you see, the butterflies in your stomach going mad from the sudden drop and you can’t help but think, “im going to die.”

most people, in this case: climbers that is, don’t want to die. they understand the risks, they know that given what they do things are bound to happen and im someone who understands that concept very well. but some of us are just so desensitized to the point that death feels like nothing, we’re used to losing team mates, friends and lovers. i just didn’t understand why i wanted for it to happen to me so much.

climbing is a large part of my life amongst other things; friends, family and other significant factors. all pieces both large and small that factor into what i call my life, something that i can’t help but be grateful for. but sometimes i realize life is fleeting. i realize just how short it is and sometimes i realize that, you know what? im okay with dying. whether it be today, tomorrow or the day after, i understand that death is inevitable and sometimes i just yearn for it to happen a little faster.

it often comes and goes, starting with tears and ending with cold, blank and rather monotone eyes gazing into the emptiness. i don’t know what it feels like exactly, the physicality is easy to understand but when i have to put into words its too hard. but it feel freezing cold, isolation hurts, solitude is pain. im all alone with nothing and no one and in fact, i do think im alone despite everything.

i just know im alone.

i have so many people in my life but it’s hard for me to understand why they’re here, it becomes difficult for me to keep them in my life. i find it hard to continue to speak with lifelong friends, keep in touch with cousins and other family. my parents and siblings (my brothers only being 3 & 5) being the only people i can speak to without feeling so choked up.

i speak to people ive met here (tumblr) but it never goes past a few conversations that occur from time to time and to those i do talk consistently with i can’t help but feel like i annoy. sometimes people reach out to me for advice, for guidance and of course, i aid them. it only pains me a little to never be asked if im okay in return but whatever right? as long as the people are happy, then im happy.

here in nepal, it’s been nice. people are nice. the way of life is one that no one takes for granted and it makes me feel out of place, like a spoiled brat who just yearns so much to escape but i try my best to just take a deep breath and indulge. the buddhist culture here makes me understand the ways of life, living alongside other climbers and watching sherpas dance to the tune of death, twisting around and just barely sneaking past almost every time.

despite how beautiful it is with the towering peaks, glaciers and fields of luscious green grass. death holds a strong presence here, one that’s covered by the tourism and clusters of climbers. but one that’s never ignored, everything being worshipped. pooja ceremonies being held for safe journeys and honouring the beautiful land, the mother of it all with offerings. mother nature is honoured and yet, she still plucks us one by one.

last year on my winter expedition i met a boy, well a man. someone who was 12 years older than me, someone i grew to have feelings for that in fact were reciprocated. despite seeming inappropriate, it was all consensual, it was positive and perfect. there was no dirty intention behind it and despite the large age gap it quickly flourished into a sweet, relationship but i found myself growing distant.

we were both sponsored by the same company which is how we met, the both of us being skiers and climbers. people who understood the dangers of venturing out into the wild, knowing what it meant to leave it all behind and pursue your wildest dreams.

he was perfect for me and yet, i broke up with him while living in nepal. i didn’t know why i did at first and it took me a lot of thinking. a lot of time being alone and realizing that throughout my whole life id been accustomed to supporting myself, knowing that there was no one else for me but me. perhaps it was the mixture of dreadful trauma id faced when i was younger, things i never told anyone, things that i only now realize just how bad they were.

regardless, the past is the past and i know i can’t let it hold me down and yet it’s just so hard to keep living when you know just how gravely you’ve been damaged. but i always tell myself that there’s someone out there who’s got it worse, someone who hasn’t stopped suffering from the day they’ve been brought into this world and until this very day.

like them i also wander the earth and yet i have an advantage, one that i should never take for granted and that being that everything that had happened, is over. i shouldn’t let it bring me down and ruin all the good things i have now.

so anyways, what lead to me ultimately breaking down was when i found myself like i mentioned before climbing upwards, fifteen pitches ahead in the air with my team around me. belayed upwards as i find myself freezing momentarily when the snow from above comes falling down, raining down on me as the wind whips me in the face.

it felt so cold, i couldn’t help but press my forehead against the wall and look downwards at my dangling feet. my hands were numb, my ice pick wedged into the snow and ice, my toes just barely warm. i just found myself observing how far away the ground was from where i hung. the distance from where i spiralled about to the ground was like how disconnected i felt from the earth. physically i am here but mentally im lost. where am i? i don’t know, maybe ill know someday? but what if i just don’t try anymore and let it all go, the place im in isn’t a bad place to die in fact, it’s beautiful.

but i can’t let myself plummet to the ground in front of people i know, i can’t traumatize them. i can’t be selfish and hurt others, id already done it once and that was to the man i loved.

pushing forwards we finished climbing, taking in the air at the top and looking down at everything. feeling like we were in fact on top of the world when really this was only one of the peaks we decided to acclimatize to in preparation for the everest/lhotse push that would happen in the next two months.

the feeling was the same as always, a feeling of satisfaction. you feel unstoppable at the top of the mountain, like there’s nothing and no one in your path and yet for the first time i felt anxious.

i felt like i was going to throw up. it didn’t feel great to be up here, i didn’t know why at that moment but when we began rappelling downwards i couldn’t help but think about how cold hearted i was for breaking up with him. there was no reason for me to do so and yet, i just did. it wasn’t right and it took me sometime to realize why. i needed to make sure i could at least put in the effort to do something.

the trek back to base camp was agonizing. i felt like i couldn’t breath properly, falling out of tune with my surroundings and just marching forwards. my team looking like blobs of colourful parkas. silently i felt myself weeping and just feeling like shit. i hated this.

it was embarrassing, i always made sure to peel myself apart and cry when there was no one around and yet here i was crying with people i knew and got to know around me. one of my leaders, who was a single mom that was a total badass in the mountains and one of the best ski mountaineer ive met (she’s also my team lead) spotted me falling apart and staggered behind to talk things out with me and i began to find comfort in consolidating in someone.

this was something i never even did with my own mother. this was the first time i looked for guidance in someone who’d lived longer than me and understood how grief, sadness and just a clusterfuck of emotions works.

with every step i took i slowly pieced the answers i needed for my puzzle piece and now here i am sitting inside my tent typing this foolish rant. my fingers lingering over the call button of the contact id for my ex boyfriend.

i think ill call him and apologize.

it’ll be a good first step.

update: things have been solved (relationship wise) but i don’t feel too good mentally nor physically. unfortunately, i received heartbreaking news that my bestfriend passed away and i feel lost. i don’t know what’s going on, what’s going to happen and i just feel guilty and pathetic. despite that comment, the less people see this the better, it’s not good energy and it’s just negatively going to affect others but i can’t dip without an explanation.

things are on a queue.

[superangsty]

👉🏼👈🏼 ive been fixating on spirk lately and would like to talk abt it, if you were being sincere in your tags

fsdgfh honestly when I want to talk about something it’s mostly just me SCREAMING bc that SCENE man that SCENE. Like, the rest of STID is garbage especially when they brought Kirk back with Khan’s blood like what was that??? Why did they do that?? Also I feel like the first two films of AOS are really missing the whole crew being like a family and made it instead about a bunch of beautiful straight people having awkwardly written personal issues.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: required reading is of course Henry Jenkin's thing about The Glass. I tend to assume everyone has read it but if you haven't. Get on that. Here it is:

When I try to explain slash to non-fans, I often reference that moment in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan where Spock is dying and Kirk stands there, a wall of glass separating the two longtime buddies. Both of them are reaching out towards each other, their hands pressed hard against the glass, trying to establish physical contact. They both have so much they want to say and so little time to say it. Spock calls Kirk his friend, the fullest expression of their feelings anywhere in the series. Almost everyone who watches the scene feels the passion the two men share, the hunger for something more than what they are allowed. And, I tell my nonfan listeners, slash is what happens when you take away the glass.

Anyway all I'm saying is that no matter what JJ Abrams thinks he CAN'T recreate WoK because he doesn't UNDERSTAND WoK at the necessary level.

But with regards to STID so like okay at a very basic level you've got two things which are 1) Spock having Big Feelings and 2) the knowledge that Vulcans kiss with their hands and these two things on their own were enough to make 14 year old me watching it in the cinema for the first time feel ABSOLUTELY INSANE like for real I've been chasing that high ever since. And when Spock starts screaming? That's the Good Shit. 

Also sidenote there's this theme park nearby (ish) called Thorpe Park and I went there on school trips a couple of times and there's a ride there called Rumba Rapids and the music they play in the queue is really not relevant but its fun and when I was 16 I suggested to my friends how much funnier films would be if it was playing during sad scenes so one time we watched STID and when we got to this scene we turned the volume down low and the rumba rapids music up high. Not relevant to this post, but I just Unlocked that memory while I was thinking about this and I wanted to share.

Just gonna preface this by saying that Spock's death in WoK is obviously a lot more compelling than Kirk's in STID because in AOS JJ Abrams has this obsession with making Kirk the big hero who's so amazing and brilliant and is carrying the entire world on his shoulders so of Course he would give up his life to save the ship (and when you think of the parallels w his father doing the same it becomes even more about him trying to live up to his father's reputation and idk! I feel like it cheapens the sentiment!). Meanwhile the original films they'd moved past TOS's kirk-centric vibe and it was about the crew working together bc they're a family and it's about Spock! Who'd run away to try and escape all these feelings that had come from the enterprise! And it's like yes he can explain his decision with the 'needs of the many' logic but at the end of the day he is doing this to save the people he loves and EVERYONE knows it.

One thing I will say in STID's favour is that the lead-up to this scene with the repetition of the "Better get down here. Better hurry." line from WoK is excellent mostly because Quinto is a much better actor than Shatner and you can see how INSTANTLY he understands it's to do w Kirk as opposed to Shatner looking over at Spock's empty chair and being like huh. Wots all this then. Also I like the way Quinto Spock runs I think it's funny :)

The next part when Scotty's like blah blah decontamination whatever after Spock asks him to open the door like sure okay I can get behind Spock being so overwhelmed that his common sense flies out the window but what I DON’T like is that it's only them down there. Where is the Drama of the entire engineering department watching Kirk have a meltdown over his best friend dying? Where's Kirk needing to be held back by three people because he's so desperate to get to Spock? Where's Scotty saying 'he's dead already' and the life just DRAINING out of Kirk? In STID it's just like "open the door." "can't do that." "yeah okay whatever."

NEXT BIT: Their dying conversation. In WoK Kirk and Spock have known each other most of their lives. They don't need to say much bc they just Understand each otherand you see that! When Kirk is finishing Spock's sentence and when Spock says "I have been and always shall be your friend" which seems a lot more meaningful than STID Kirk and Spock going "I want you to know why I went back for you" "Because you are my friend" and yeah it still HURTS but it's like. They don't have the history they don't have that enduring kinda love they just have a couple of years of being vaguely passive aggressive towards each other and it's still nice for Spock to realise like oh this is friends! This is a friendship! But Kirk's death just doesn't seem as tragic!!!

That being said. There ARE some raw lines there like "I'm scared Spock. Help me not to be. How do you choose not to feel?" "I do not know. Right now I am failing." Like that's IT that's the GOOD SHIT it's been nearly 8 years and I still think about it all the time. And again I can't say much for Chris Pine but Zachary Quinto's acting is MILES ahead of Shatner's and the crying! Spock crying! It's So Much!!!!!!!! And I like the music. I like the long shot of their hands meeting between the glass. It's very cinematic which while missing the campiness of WoK has it's own charm.

I like in WoK when Spock dies and Kirk slumps like he's lost every last bit of energy he had, like he's dying too, however I ALSO very much like in STID when Spock just fucking. Screams. And then goes and runs on a train and beats up Benedict Cumberbatch. I feel like it's fitting that Kirk dying kinda untethers him and lets him just absolutely lose his shit. I love seeing men beat each other up.

This has gone on much too long. Sorry I guess it just turns out I have Thoughts and this is probably barely skimming the surface but it's 9am on a Thursday and I have class in an hour but I've been sitting here rewatching the scenes and typing out this rant. As I said I really don't think I have anything original to say but like. Here ya go babe

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part Sixxty Eight/

Word Count:10.9k

A/N: continuation from 67! Enjoy! Feedback is always appreciated

Warnings: language, extreme angst, intense therapy sessions, SMUT(bear with me. I haven't wrote smut in a hot minute)

Taglist: @brideofdraculana , @xstarryeyesx​ , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless,, @venus-calum, @justjodeye,  @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland @awesomealmostdopestudent,  @romanticvengeance , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy,  @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1,  @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @iluvmesomemarvelndc @zoenicoles, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer @electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe,   @thoughtsoftheantagonist @marvelismylifffe​,  @sleepyjunhong @lovemythsworld @sparxx27 @gingerspicetalks  @unknownoblivion @siliwanoel @nevergoodenuffbutokaaayyy @sublimeprincesswasteland @kylieinwonderland @haileynicoleseavey17 @lavendersoundbarrier @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor @kellysimagines @meetthesixxter, @duffshairdye, @xpoisonousrosesx​, @m0rnlngstar, @cranberrirolls, @oskea93, @love-struck-aries, @idumpyourgrass, @minxtruck, @i-want-to-shoot-myself, @cruesixxlover1991, @arianareirg, @fentitrbl, @dogmom2014, @sinningsixx, @motleycrueprincess​

*Nikki's POV*

"Nikki, Vanity is in the hospital. She doesnt want you here but im not taking Arianna to the hospital because I dont waknow what kind of condition Van is in. So, I need you to be here for your daughter, or are you actually the asshole I think you are?"

I stared down at the desk, trying to Process waht was going on, "Nikki? Did you hear me?" My stomach was twisting into knots as my heart felt like it was stuck in a vise grip.

"The hospital? Is-is she okay?" I breathed out the words. You know when you have those moments where it feels as if all time is standing still and you are the only person in the univer? Thats how i was feeling.

"I dont know Nikki! All i know is Arianna wasnt picked up from school. I found her waitin ginside when I left. I tried calling Vanity but she didnt answer and I had a voicemail from the hospital saying she was there and im her only emergency contact she has."

I reached for my water, dowing it until the bottle was empty, "Uh...uh...it's gonna take me hours to get there regardless..."

Clementine scoffed, "Unbelievable, do you not fucking hear me? Vanity is in the hospital!! The mother of your child and so called loved of your life needed medical attention!"

"It's gonna take me hours to get there..." I repeated.

"I don't give a shit Nikki. You have the fancy jet, use it."

I shook my head, "Look, im the last person Vanity wants to see right now. Can't you just send Ari to one of her friends or something.? Can't someone else watch her while you go to the hospital? Clementine, I'm across the country..."

She laughed, "As if I would send her to stay with Jason. I'm her only friend here, Nikki."

I felt my bood boil and my body become tense, "Ja-Jason? She's talking to Jason?" My jaw was clenched as I galred at the doorway, seeing Brandi scowling against it.

"Well Nikki, if you had kept your promise Jason wouldnt be an option." I closed my eyes, breathing through my nose as I shook my head, "He's not a fucking option!!" I yelled back in defense, "He aint even a fucking blimp."

"Are you coming or not? Arianna has already been so upset and stressed out lately. I don't want her to be upset even more. Trust me, Vanity feels the same way."

I glared at Brandi, "Just give me a few hours." I watched as she threw her arms up and shook her head.

"You fucked up this time. I mean it. You can ignore Vanity, but you dont lie to your kid."

"I know! I know! I just...look I'll explain everything whenI get there, alright?" I retorted as I hung up the phone and looked at Brandi, "You! It's all your fucking fault!"

Brandi was appalled, "Me? I did nothing! You were the one who didnt call and kept saying you were too busy! Don't put that on me!"

"I did nothing." I mocked her voice, walking past her and to my bedroom, "As if you didn't fuckin use coke and your body to make stay with you."

I shook my head, quickly grabbing garments from the closet and throwing them on my bed, "Filled my head with bullshit!" I shouted as I threw the duffle bag on the bed next.

Brandi laughed, "Oh come on Nikki. You know who you really want."

I shook my head, trying to rid my ears of her nasaly voice, "Yeah, now I do! Now that I know my daughter has been crying over me and that Vanity is in the hospital! It takes her getting hurt to make me realize it!" I screamed, watching her flich at the loudness, "It always takes Vanity getting hurt to make me fucking realize how much of an asshole I am!!"

God, I fucking hope she's okay.

"Oh my god, she's probably being dramatic! Nikki, please don't go. I just got you back, stay here with me. Please baby?"

"Why?! So you can keep ruining my fucking life? So you can keep going on the lavish trips and shopping sprees?! Fuck you and fuck off! I'm done. If I get back and your shit is still here, I'm burning this fucking house to the ground with you and your shit in it!" I threatened, grabbing my bag and then my car keys right after.

"I'm serious, Brandi. I am done. I'm signing the papers and giving them back to the lawyers."

*A few hours later*

I got out of the rental car, slamming the door as I parked outside Vanit's apartment building. I went inside, repeatedly pushing the elevator button until it opened,. I stood in the elevator, pushing my hair out of my face as I tried collecting my thoughts. I had called Clementine on the plane and she said she was at Vans house waiting for me. I couldn't wait to see Arianna.

The door slid open on her floor as I speed walked down the hallway before I was face to face with her front door. I knocked and waited until it opened.

"Took you long enough." Clementine answered, a bitchy glare on her face as I sighed, "I'm sorry, okay! I am sorry!" I said, almost out of breath as I looked at her.

"I am not the one you need to apolgize too." She snapped at me as my eyes glanced over to Arianna who was staring at me from across the living room.

"Pumpkin.." I got down on one knee, smiling at her, "I've missed you."I frowned when she completely ignored me and walked straight to Clementine.

"I want Mommy." She whsipered, pulling on Clem's hand and looking up at her.

"I'm gonna go get her babe, okay?" I tried reassuring her, but all i got in return was mean glare.

Clementine smirked as I straightened back up, "Good luck, hope you come back in one piece."

*Vanity's POV*

I glared at the wall, sitting uncomfortable as ever with my arm in a sling, dried blood around my nose and six stitches on my forehead. My glare then went to the nurse who entered my hospital room. "Can I just fucking get something for pain?! I'm dying here!!" I yelled at her, they've ignored my requests three fucking times!!

"Hello! Are you fucking stupid or something?!" I groaned, pushing the bed side table towards the nurse as she was standing at the counter.

"And something other then god damn ice chips?!" I shouted grabbing the pink plastic cup and throwing  it out into the hallway.

The nurse turned towards me, "Ma'am, you need to behave. r I will get psych down here to take you to thier side of the hospital. You understand me?" She berated me like a fucking child as I looked away from her and out the window, "I will work on getting you something to drink. Buut I cannot give you any medications." I rolle dmy eyes, pulling my arm away from her touch as she tried to wrap the blood pressure cuff around my bicep.

"Do you have any recollection of what you have put into your system? cocaine and diamorphine were all found in your blood system."

"What the actual fuck is diamorphine?" I qustioned her, rubbing my temples as I felt myself becoming irritated even more.

"Plus, when you came in your blood alcohol contenet was at a point one five and thats three times the legal limit in the state of New York." I looked at the banana bag I was hooked up too, "Diamorhpine is heroin, Vanity."

"Jason..." I mentally cursed him out, "I don't do heroin." I told her as she looked at me with the same look she probably gives other druggies taht tell her the same exact thing.

"Well, we did have difficulty setting up an IV, your veins are shot in both your arms. Luckily, we were able to get the veins in your hands to cooperate or we would have had to do a pick line straight to your heart."

I shook my head, "I don't do heroin. The blow was probably mixed with the heroin. I wouldn't willingly touch heroin. I didn't- I wouldn't."

"You are very lucky the car accident wasn't your fault, but the police will be in touch with you later to get your statement. May I take your vitals now?" The nurse, whose name tag read Margie questioned as I nodded.

"Statement? I don't rember anything. When can I go home? I have a daughter-" I gasped, "I have... i have to call Clementine!" I tried getting out bed but the nused pushed me back gently by my other shoulder.

"Our charge nurse has already conta ted her, now please, relax. I'm sure your child is fine." I took some deep breaths as I relaxed into the stiff bed, "Now, since youre awake and coherent, you dislocated your shoulder and you have a concussion so no blood thinner or it could make it worse. You had a minor laceration on your forehead but the doctor took care of it."

"Sorry to interrupt you Margie, but your patients husband is here." Another female nurse stated.

"I don't have a husband." I told them and right on queue, the blood pressure monitor started beeping eratticaly when I saw Nikki.

"Get out!! I don't want him here!!" I picked up a cup of jello, chucking it as hard as I could at him but he ended up catching it in his hands.

"I thought you said you were her husband?"

"I'd rather fucking kill myself than be married to him!"I shouted at the nurse, her eyes widening at my statement.

"Margie, should I call psych?"

Nikki put the cup of lime green jello on the counter, taking hesitant steps towards me, "I am just here to take you home. Clem called me and I just flew on the jet all the way here. She's with Arianna, she didn't want her to worry."

"You're her ride home?" Nikki nodded, "No! I'm not going anywher with this psycho!" I motioned to Nikki as he frowned.

"Doll, please?"

I pointed my finger at him, "Don't do that to me, Nikki! Don't look at me like that and don't talk to me like that!"

He rolled his eyes, completely ignoring me as he started talking with the nurse, "Can i have her discharge papers, please? She'll be safe with me. She's just a little uh...pissed off at me at the moment. It's nothing new." Nikki tried to laugh as I glared at him and as the jurses looked a bit weary.

"Do you have another ride, Vanity?"

I exhaled in a defeated manenr, "No. I don't."

"Why don't you step outside with our charge nurse while wehelp her get dressed an situated with the sling." Margie explained to Nikki, motioning to the door as he nodded and stepped out.

I pulled up my jeans after they handed them to me followed by my booths. The nurses helped me put my shirt on, with minimal complaints from me about my shoulder hurtinbefore hanging my jacket off my shoulders.

"Van, look, I don't want to be here-"

"You should want to be here, Nikki!" I shouted at him in the middle of the hospital, feeling other doctors and nurses look at us.

"Stop it! Just let me finish! I meant here, in the hospital with you! Clem called and here I am! So i'll take you home and just fucking go back to California if thats's what you want, alright!?" Nikki raised his voice as I stared at him in disbelief.

I vocally let out a "Ugh!" before pushing him to the side, "I can't stand you!"

"Yeah, just keep it coming Vanity. Tell me how much you hate me!" Nikki followed with heavy footsteps as we evenutally made it outside of the hospital, "Fuckin telll me Van! Tell me how horrible I am and how much of an asshole I am! Let's get it out of the way now princess!"

I quickly turned around, shoving him with my free arm repeatedly, "Where were you?!" I yelled, "You bastard! I can't fucking believe you would do this!" I shoved his chest again, forcing him to lean back into the wall as I continued to do so, "i'm so fucking sorry wer're such a bruden to you and your wife!"

"She's not my wife! I was busy!" He defended himself as I shoved him again, "Vanity, knock it off!"

"Busy with what Nikki?! Tommy's been here so don't even tell me it's the band and I highly doubt divorce papers take three months to sign!"

"She tried getting me to stay and-"

"Tried?! Nikki, you did stay! You chose her over me, not even me but your fucking daughter!" I shoved him again, but this time he grabbed my arm and forced it to my side.

"Calm down, now!" He lowered his head, shouting in my face as I fought his grip, "She's getting her shit out while im here! My marriage to her is over! Alright?! Stop acting like a fucking bat out of hell!"

I forced my wrist away from his grasp, "Just take me to my daughter."

"I'm sorry, Vanity. I really am."

I rolled my eyes, opening up his car door before sitting down, "Fucking save it Nikki. You're always sorry."

When we arrived at my apartment door, I unlocked it and tried slamming it in Nikk's face but he stopped it from closing.

"Mommy!" I sighed, trying to keep my tears in check as I picked up Arianna and gave her a hug.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. Mom got into a little trouble and she had to go see the doctors, but im okay now." I smothered her cheeks in kisses, "Pizza and cookies? Wow! Did you tell Auntie Clem thank you?"

Arianna giggled, "We made them for you! And we saved some pizza. Auntie said you would be grumpy and hungry when you got home." I smiled, silently thanking Clementine.

"Boo boo?" Arianna frowned as she pulled on the swing a bit.

I nodded and brushed my finger over her cheek, "Yeah angel, a really big boo boo but i'll be better in no time." I smiled as she kissed my cheek. I saw her then look over my shoulder as I sighed and put her down on the floor, "You should go say hi to daddy while he's here..."

Arianna glared at him before she loooked up at me, "I saw him already."

"Nikki took a few steps before crouching down to her height, "I've missed you princess." He smiled at her and fixed a loose strand of her hair, "Dad's been busy.." Arianna wasn't buying his bullshit either as she walked away from him and went to play with the scattered toys in the living room.

Nikki, the six foot and buck seventy five man that he is, got on his hands and knees and crawled over to her, "You got new toys? Those are pretty cool."

"I want to play by myself." Arianna told him, moving all of her toys away from Nikki and putting them in front of her.

I felt Clementines glaring at me, "I am fine."

"Oh really now?" She laughed a bit, "What the hell even happened Vanity?"

I motioned her to come over to the table and sit down with me so our conversation would be out of earshot from both Nikki and Arianna.

"You cannot get mad, alright? But I maybe snorted a bit too much and drank a little, or a lot. I don't remember crashing, and I sure as hell don't remember getting to the hospital-" I laughed, "And get this, heroin was mixed in with the blow I got from Jason. Isn't that hilarious?"

"Vanity..."

"No worries! It's all good!" I reassured Clementine with a pat on the arm, "I'm fine, I mean kinda. My shoulders dislocated and I have a concussion. They flushed my system, I'm good! I'm great!" I shrugged it off like it was nothing as Clem wore an upset look on her face.

She took off her glasses, rubbing her temples before she looked at me, "Good/" Good until Jason gives you more drugs?"

"I'm not. I'm done. I finished off what he had gave me, I told myself that's all I would do. I'm sorry clem."

She scoffed, "Sorry?" Vanity, you could've been seriously injured or worse. You're wasting money on this crap!" Clementine raised her voice just a tad.

"Well, so what if I am? It's not like I'm broke or poor." i retorted, glancing over and seeing Nikki attempt to get into Arianna's good graces.

"Nice, real nice Vanity." I looked back at Clem, seeign her stone cold glare.

"What?!" I gave her a confused expression, "That was not a shot at you if that's what you are thinking. You're not broke or poor. Your paintings sell and I give you money for being her babysitter."

"I said I wanna play alone!!" We both turned our heads when Arianna had yelled at Nikki, "Give me my dolly!" She yelled again, snatching it out of his hands.

"Princess, I am sorry I've been gone." Nikki spoke with hurt in his voice as he stared at her in shock before he glanced at me for guidance.

"Arianna, c'mon. You can't just ignore me." Nikki smiled before ticking her sides.

I watched as she pushed his hands away from her, "Go away."

"She's as stubborn as you are." Clementine mumbled to me as I nodded.

"I don't want to play with you." Arianna muttered as she moved away from Nikki completely, taking her toys with her but he only followed after her.

"Daddy just has stuff to take care of in California, ya know?" Nikki spoke softly as he laid on his side and tinkered with one of her toys.

"Go back to 'fornia!"

Nikki sighed, narrowing his eyes at her, "Arianna, do not yell at me."

"You lied! Mommy said you lied!"

Remind me to stop gossiping with Clementine while Arianna is within the same vicinity.

Nikki side eyed me before turning his attention back to her, “Babe, I-I didn’t lie. I told you I’d be back and I’m here now.”

“You stutter!”

“Arianna, I didn’t lie to you! Stop yelling at me!” Nikki raised his voice, not necessarily yelling at her but he was stern.

“Liar!” Arianna shouted, throwing her doll at Nikki’s face before she ran down the hallway to her bedroom. I heard her attempt to slam her door but since little tiny fingers and door jams don’t mix well, I had put foam at the top of the wooden frame.

Nikki mumbled as he got off the floor, “Just like your mother.”

“I think maybe you should go…” I told him as his eyes darted over to me.

Nikki shook his head, “I flew all the way out here. She can be stubborn all she damn well pleases, but I’m not leaving.”

“Then you should have called. Kids aren’t stupid.”

I closed my eyes, wishing Clementine had not put her two cents in as I felt Nikki’s anger rise even more.

“Stay the fuck out of it! It isn’t any of your god damn business!” He snapped at her quickly as she rolled her eyes before she stood up and started grabbing her things.

“Clem..” I spoke softly as I watched her shake her head, probably plotting how to murder Nikki and get away with it.

“Not a single fucking thank you for making sure your kid doesn’t know you like to come home high and pass out. That she doesn’t know how much of a fucking asshole her father is.”

I glared at Nikki as he rolled his eyes at me and went to sit down on the couch, “Clementine, I’m sorry. But thank you for making sure Arianna is always safe. I love you?”

She sighed, glancing at me as she looked back at Nikki, “I love you too…just call if you need me okay? Maybe take your mutt to go get neutered, he likes pissing on everything.”

I tried to keep my laughter in, “Bye Clementine, Thank you.”

I closed the door, turning around and leaning against it as Nikki stood in the middle of my living room.

“Can we please talk now? Just you and me.” I watched as he fiddled with his thumbs as I went to the fridge and grabbed my bottle of wine and glass from the cupboard.

“I don’t think you should be drinking if you…” Nikki stopped talking as he was met with my death glare. I sat down on the couch as he sat down next to me.

“You were gone for months, Nikki. You didn’t even call! You barely called at first and then it just stopped. How is that suppose to make me feel? To make your daughter feel?” I expressed my grievances as I poured the sweet red into the glass.

“Vanity, I’m sorry.” He placed his hand on my knee, “I fucked up. I really fucked up. She…Brandi gave me coke and it had me going for a minute. I was an idiot.”

“Blow? She gave you blow? I introduced you to your fucking child and you just run back to la la land because of some fucking dust? Prioritize what’s important to you, Nikki!”

Nikki shook his head, “I thought…I just thought maybe you didn’t really want me back, that it was all just a one time thing.”

That alone sent a knife straight through my heart, “A one time thing?” I stared at him, “After the night we spent together before you left, you really thought that was a one time thing? I wouldn’t of said the things I said if it was just a one time thing.”

“Babe, I was just…she fucking cornered me and it was a moment of weakness.”

I laughed in his face, “More like a moment of stupidity. Let me guess, she offered a few lines to you with her mouth wrapped around your dick again?”

Nikki took the glass of wine out of my hand before pulling me towards him, “I am sorry, okay? I messed up. I listened to the wrong person. I made a horrible mistake. I promise darling, I’m not going anywhere. I’m done leaving. I should have never went back there to begin with, should’ve made the lawyers fly out here.”

I felt his hand wrap around mine as his thumb brushed over my bruised knuckles, “How do I know that Nikki? That you just won’t leave again? That I won’t have to think of some bullshit reason to tell Ari why you aren’t here.”

“Because I’m not going anywhere Van, I swear to god I’m not leaving again. I’m not leaving unless you and her come back home with me. Brandi’s gone, princess. It’s done. She used coke because she knows it’s one of my weaknesses right after you.”

“Why does she have such a hold on you Nikki? I saw the pictures in the magazine. You two looked so happy.” I felt my chest get heavy as tears started building up.

Nikki kissed the back of my palm, “Those pictures were a bunch of lies doll, you have to believe me Vanity. I had to stay at a hotel for a few days after cause I felt so…so fake and wrong. I just wanted to hide and disappear from the world.”

Nikki wiped my cheek with a finger, “Why didn’t you come back to me right after that? You could’ve came here Nikki.”

I saw tears in his hazel eyes, “I-I was scared. Scared that the weeks I spent here with you and her was too good to be true. That all of this was happening again. It’s us Vanity, when are the cards ever in our favor?”

“We have some pretty shitty cards dealt for us, huh?” I laugh as I wipe his tears from the corner of his eye, “Please stop hurting me.” I begged him as I cupped his jaw, feeling the muscle relax underneath, “I’d wait forever for you, Sixx. I’m stupid for doing it, but I would do it in every universe.”

Nikki frowned, “I know. I know. I won’t, I promise. Please…please don’t take me out of yours and her lives. I want to be apart of it.”

“Nikki, that’s all based on your behavior. Not mine.”

He nodded, “Okay, fine. Where…where can I start? What do you want me to do.” He was acting like an attentive puppy waiting for his next treat.

“Can you get Arianna ready for bed?”

Nikki laughed, “How hard could that even be?”

*Nikki’s POV*

I had chased Arianna round the house for the past hour, even tripping and almost falling over rugs and her toys that were every where. I chased Arianna into her room as she laughed her ass off. No, this wasn’t a fun game of chase.

“Arianna, time for bed. Now!” I grabbed her as she started laughing more. I carried her to her bedroom before pulling down her blankets and putting her in bed.

“You aren’t the boss of me!” She said, kicking the blankets off and attempting to get out of bed. I’d be willing to let her but it was already nine at night.

I lightly pressed on her shoulders, putting her Back down, “Arianna, do you want me to use my mean voice? Bed, now. Or you won’t like it when you don’t get any cookies or TV tomorrow.”

Her big brown eyes turned to saucers, “You’re being a poo poo head!” She shouted, tugging the blanket away from my hand.

“Yeah, and you’re being a brat. Go to sleep.” I realized that was too harsh when her bottom lip quivered.

“You’re being mean!” She pouted as she grabbed her stuffed animal and turned on her side and faced the wall.

“Goodnight angel.” I muttered before turning off her ceiling light and plugging in her night light, “Or demon.” I whispered as I stepped out of her room and closed the door.

I walked into the kitchen, seeing Vanity downing some whiskey. She had just taken her pain pills not even thirty minutes ago, “Maybe you need help. Rehab or something.” I told her softly as she shook her head and put the bottle back in the fridge

“Van, you got into a car accident. We’re lucky this wasn’t another Razzle incident….” I trailed off as she stared at me in disbelief.

“Nik, it was just a fluke accident. Plus, the person in front of me was driving like an idiot. I’m fine.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Fluke accident? Vanity, I ended up dying and coming back. If I had someone tell me then I wouldn’t have gone through all that. And you especially wouldn’t have had to find me in my closet after.”

Vanity rolled her eyes, “Literally everyone did tell you to slow down…”

“And did I listen? No, I was too late and I was lucky to come back from it. Don’t you get it doll?”

She huffed and puffed, “You’re being dramatic. I’m not going to die. I don’t over do it like you. Jason just had a bad batch that was mixed with…” I waited for her to say it, “He gave me blow that was mixed with smack.”

”Oh, speedballs. Next thing you know you’ll be freebasing.” I retorted as she let out a gasp, “I would never do that! Listening to you and reading those journals you had were scary.”

I chuckled, “Scary? Well, seems like you’ll be looking for something more intense soon enough. It’d be a shame to make Arianna go through what you went through with me.”

Vanity shook her head, “I would never go out looking for something stronger and I would never do that to Arianna.” She defended herself as this argument was now becoming amusing to me.

“That’s what I said too. You know, you act as if I was never a drug addict. She’s not gonna be able to tell you to stop, she’s a kid Van. I had to watch my mom do this shit.”

She glared at me, “Because I’m not an addict like you Nikki. I’m not hiding in closets and I never do this stuff around her. Yeah, Jason comes over but we don’t do drugs here.”

I shook my head, “A guy you shouldn’t even be associating with in the first place! He’s bad fucking news, Van.”

“What are you? My fucking dad?” Vanity snapped quickly as we stared at one another.

“Fine, do whatever the hell you want. I’m gonna go find a hotel and I’ll be back in the morning.” I grabbed my jacket off the chair as I walked past her, “Goodnight V.” I spat out hastily as I opened up the front door.

I felt her hand wrap around my wrist as I hung my head down low and exhaled, “What? We’re just pissing each other off. You’re on edge because you were forced to detox at the hospital and not thinking rationally. You really want to argue more, Vanity?”

She shook her head as her hand moved to mine, holding it tightly, “I want you to stay with me, please?”

My eyes met hers, seeing the pain and vulnerability in them, “I’ll relax, okay? I’m fine. I just want you to stay with us. You’ve been gone way to long.”

She pulled me inside, walking backwards as she played with the rings on my fingers, “You relax too. I can tell you’re upset.”

I pulled my hand away from her, “Van, why do you think I’m upset? Clementine called me saying you were in the hospital? Do you even have a clue what I thought was wrong? That maybe Arianna would be without a mother and I wouldn’t have you anymore? Do you know how terrifying that is for me? You’ve been the only constant, besides the band in my life. You’re all I have Vanity…and I already had to experience life without you and I don’t want to do it again.” I sat down on the couch as she sat down next to me, her back resting against the arm as she looked at me.

“I’m fine Nikki.” I shook my head, “No you are not. You aren’t fine and you haven’t been fine for a while. Is this…is this because of me? You doing this to yourself. The drugs? The drinking? Hanging around Jason?”

Vanity played with the ends of her hair, picking off dry blood as she looked at me, “I don’t know…” I rested my hand on her knee, brushing my thumb across her skin, “It’s…it’s not because of you. It’s because of the hurt and the pain you cause. I’m high and I don’t think or feel it. It numbs it..”

I laid my head against the back of the couch, “Have you gone to your therapist lately? If you don’t want to go to rehab then you need to be going to therapy.”

“No, I haven’t.” She mumbled as I groaned.

“Vanity, you need too! I’ll make an appointment for you.” I looked at her, seeing her staring down at her nails until I put my hand under her chin to make her look at me, “I think you need to come back home. You live where there’s a dealer around every corner and back alley. You’ll never get clean here.”

Her eyebrows tightened together, “I’m not leaving New York.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want too!” She quietly shouted, “Arianna was born here, this is all she’s known, Nikki.” She expressed her concerns as I listened.

“I understand that, but don’t you think she’d love to see the ocean? Be near me instead of only flying out when I can? She’s a kid Van, she can adjust. I think it’s only you who doesn’t want to come back home.” Vanity looked away from me, wiping her cheeks as I kissed the top of her knee before resting my chin against it.

“Then I’ll fly her out to see you or something. There’s an ocean here too, ya know? You moved around so many times as a kid and look what it did to you. I don’t want that for her.”

“I’m move here, then.”

Her lips parted, “You can’t move here. Everything for you is in Los Angeles, the band, the music. Not New York Nikki, no. I won’t let you do that.”

“Fuck the band, Vanity! I have enough money to not need the band for a while. I want you and I want our daughter, nothing else. I want you.” I told her as she wiped her tears away again and looked at me, “I want you the only way I know you. I want you to be okay again, to be a good mom and to be my best friend. If you don’t want to be my girl just yet, fine. Arianna can just take your place.”

Vanity broke out into a beautiful smile, “The only girl that’s ever allowed to to take my place.” She rested her hand against my jaw, thumb grazing over my cheek, “I still love you Nikki.”

“I still love you more.”

I let out a sigh, I guess we'll save the coming back home argument for another day.

*A few days later, Vanity’s POV*

“Mommy..” I opened up my eyes, glancing over at the clock and saw that it was seven in the morning, “Daddy’s making breakfast and I don’t want to eat it.”

I chuckled, sitting up carefully and resting my shoulder against the pillow, “And whys that?”

She shrugged, “Cause he’s a poo poo head and he’s being mean to me.”

I stared at her, brushing her messy hair out of her face “Quit calling him that Ari. You know, you’re probably hurting his feelings. He said he was sorry, you’re being stubborn like me.”

“I am not stu-stubborn!” She defended herself as she crossed her arms over her chest and gave me the stink eye.

I grabbed her and put her off to the side as I got out of bed, “Let’s go get ready for school and then you’re eating whatever your dad made.” Arianna crawled out of my bed as she started running to her room, “Am not!!” I followed her and went to her closet to pick out an outfit.

“Get dressed and I’ll do your hair after you eat breakfast.” I repeated myself, “No!!!” I chuckled as her tiny hands pushed me out of her bedroom.

I walked down the hallway and into the kitchen seeing Chef Sixx attempting to flip pancakes, “Ow! Fucking piece of shit!” He shouted as the bacon popped oil onto him as he turned it.

“Need some help?” I asked him as he turned around to look at me, laughing as he did so

“Ha! Yeah right! I’m not letting you anywhere near this until it’s done. I’m not eating burnt bacon or doughy pancakes.” He continued to laugh as he started cracking eggs in a bowl before whisking them.

“I’ve learned to cook.” I mumbled as I sat down on the barstool, Nikki handing me a cup of coffee right after.

“Two sugars and a lot of creamer, right?” He questioned a smile on his face as he held up the spatula. I nodded and took a sip.

“How was the couch?” My lips tugged in a crooked smile as he had an unamused expression on his face.

“It was fine. Would prefer to keep your bed warm. But…it was fine.” Nikki exasperated, “I had Arianna’s fairy blanket to keep me warm since you didn’t give me a blanket or a pillow.”

I looked at Nikki, taking another sip of coffee “You didn’t ask for anything last night. So how am I suppose to know?”

Nikki scoffed as he turned towards the stove and continued cooking, “Keep it up and you won’t get any of this.”

I shook my head, “Not hungry anyways.” I smiled when Arianna came out into the kitchen, glaring at Nikki as she climbed up on the barstool next to me.

“Well too bad, you’re gonna eat. You’re too skinny still.” Nikki stares as he put a plate of mini blueberry pancakes, eggs and bacon in front of Arianna.

“Am not.” I told him as I watched Arianna push the plate away from her, “Are too. Your ass is getting smaller.”

Jeez, thanks asshole. As if I can’t see the weight loss when I look in the mirror.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, “Eat your breakfast Ari so we can finish getting ready.”

She stuck her nose up, turning her head away, “I’m not eating that. It’s gross.”

I sighed, “How would you know that? You haven’t even taken a bite yet. Eat, now.”

“It’s gross cause he made it.” She spoke in a matter of fact type of tone, sticking her tongue out at Nikki, “Can I have cereal? I don’t want it.”

Nikki put a plate in front of me, “Look, I’ll eat mine if you eat yours.” I took a bite of the pancakes, moaning as they were good, “Holy crap.” I started shoveling them into my mouth. We’re they that good? Probably not. But I can’t remember the last time I ate something sufficient.

“Can I have yours?” I looked at Ari as she tried reaching for my bacon until I handed it to her, “Babe, you’re eating the same thing as me.” I chuckled as she took her own little pink fork and took a bite from my pancakes.

“I’m gonna go freshen up.” Nikki muttered as he tried smiling at Arianna who still returned a mean little glare towards him. He frowned before leaving the kitchen.

“You know…you can’t be mad at him forever.” I told Arianna as she started eating off her own plate.

“Yes I can.” She stared at me, “…not nice.” She said, mouth full of sugary syrup and pancakes as I shook my head.

“Daddy’s nice and you know it. You’re not being nice to him, calling daddy mean names and not talking to him. He loves you Ari and he’s sorry for what he did.”

“Fine. No more poo poo head.” She giggled before she continued eating. I kissed her forehead before hopping off the chair. I walked down the hallway, yawing as I headed to my bedroom to straighten up and get dressed for the day.

After the morning routine was over and Arianna was ready for the day, she wanted her hair braided with one of her pink bows at the end of it. I slipped on a pair of shoes and slipped a jacket over my shoulders, wincing at the discomfort of putting my arm back in the sling.

“You could ask for help..” Nikki said, watching me struggle before coming over and helping anyways.

“Thanks.” I muttered, “Ari, you ready to go?” I asked her as she climbed off the couch and grabbed her backpack.

Arianna looked up at me and Nikki, “Will you walk me to my class?” She asked Nikki as he smiled at her before patting the top of her head, “Of course I will.”

When we arrived at her school a little while later, Arianna gave me a big kiss goodbye handing her a pink lunchbox right after, “I’ll pick you up later, okay?” I told her as she nodded and grabbed Nikki’s hand, tugging him towards the doors. I got back in the car, sitting down as I listened to the radio.

I glanced over seeing Nikki’s wallet was dropped on the floorboard. I reached down and grabbed it. I looked towards the doors and chuckled to myself. His wallet was stuffed full of cash. He’s such a hypocrite sometimes. He use to give me crap for always carrying around a lot of loose bills. I looked through his credit cards, he’s gotten two new ones that were a nice shiny black. I smiled at his goofy identification card, seeing him try to force a half assed smile. Nikki also had a guitar pick tucked inside the folds. A piece of paper was sticking out, but I realized it wasn’t a paper it was a picture. A picture of me and Arianna that Nikki had took when we spent the day at the boardwalk.

Through the tinted windows, I saw him coming back outside as I quickly stuffed the picture back in and tossed his wallet onto the seat, “Oh there it is. Thought I forgot it at your place.” Nikki grinned as he put his wallet in his back pocket.

“We have some where to be.” Nikki explained as he started driving away from the school.

I briefly glanced over, “Oh yeah? Where are we going?”

Nikki smiled at me, “You, Vanity Blackwood, have an appointment with your therapist.”

The smile fell from my face, turning into a scowl as I contemplated opening the door and jumping out, “You’re joking, right? Nikki c’mon.” I whined as I slumped back into the chair.

“Told you I was making you an appointment sweets. Did you think I was lying? You’re going and I’m gonna sit in there with you.”

*a little while later*

We sat side by side, knees resting against each other as we waited for my therapist to come in. I had my elbow perched up on the arm of the leather couch as I rested my cheek against my fist, watching the clock tick by slowly.

Nikki’s arm was wrapped around the back of the couch, his hand lightly rubbing my shoulder, “What time does Ari get out of school?”

With a monotone voice, “Three.”

I could heard the deep breath of annoyance as he took his arm and hand away from me and places his hands on his knees as he leaned over and grabbed some candy.

My ears perked up when I heard the door open, “Oh! I didn’t know we’d be having guests today. I’m Dr. Lilian Watson. Vanity, it is so nice to see you.”

“Yep, I’m here.” My voice oozed sarcastic cheer as I rolled my eyes, “This is Nikki.” I motioned to him as they shook each other’s hands.

“Oh…the Nikki. Vanity, I see there’s been some progress. What brings you in? It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you.”

I rolled my eyes at both the therapist and at Nikki, “He’s forcing me to be here

“She needed to come and see you.” Nikki butted in as I shook my head, growing more and more irritated.

Dr Watson adjusted in her chair, pushing her glasses up her nose, “Well Nikki, can you tell me why you think she needs to be here?”

Nikki chuckled, “She dislocated her shoulder last week due to driving under the influence of booze and narcotics. Busted her head open and had a bloody nose as well which is why I’m in New York to help her out but she’s not being appreciative of it.”

“Yeah, I see the sling.” She wrote some things down as I side eyed Nikki, “So, were still using?”

I reached for the bowl of candy on the table, “Not since the accident.” I shrugged and stuffed some m&ms into my mouth, “Incase you can’t tell, I’m being watched like a hawk. But I did stop for a while before then and then continued once I started hanging out with Jason again.”

“Who you shouldn’t even be hanging out with after last time.” Nikki butted in as I glared at him.

“I’m sorry? Are you my fucking husband?” I snapped, watching his eyebrows raise in surprise before turning away from me with a light shake of the head in disbelief.

“What happened last time?”

I groaned, “This was a bad idea.” I mumbled, eyes rolling as I sighed, “Jason got physical with me at the bar and Nikki beat him up for it. But Nikki doesn’t have room to talk when he was off getting high with the wife he was suppose to be divorcing when he should have been with his daughter.”

“I’ve gone to meetings in my free time, Vanity. Unlike you who just sits on this guys dick and gets fucking high!” Nikki fought back as he glared at me.

“I don’t do that!” I yelled at Nikki, feeling myself get worked up and by the smirk on his face, he knew it too.

“Okay, okay. Let’s just relax?” Dr Watson took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose, “I don’t specialize in couples therapy, so Nikki in your opinion, can you tell me where the issues root from?”

Before Nikki could respond, “We’re not a couple actually so you don’t need to use that phrase.” I pointed out, my tone was extremely bitchy as Nikki let out a hushed Wow.

“Oh yeah? So I’ve just been hanging out here and taking care of you and making sure you’re good for no reason?” Nikki looked at me, “Seriously, not a couple?!?”

“Well we aren’t!!!” I fought back, “How could you even think we’re together?! Because we almost fucked that night?! You aren’t my boyfriend and you for sure aren’t my damn husband!”

In a raucous tone, “You and your fucking ten million reasons why! I had to go back! How many times do I have to explain myself?! I didn’t want to go back!”

“Uh maybe you could of told her to fuck off like the countless times you’ve told me to fuck off!” I continued to argue, my voice becoming hoarse from all the yelling, “Cause it’s all about me and Arianna.” I mocked his voice before rolling my eyes

“Because it is!”

I scoffed, “What? For a few more weeks until you find some new ditzy playboy?!”

Dr Watson cleared her throat as I sunk back into the leather couch, “Okay, let’s take a few breaths to get rid of some of this anger.”

Nikki reached for a handful of candy, stuffing his cheeks until they turned pink, “I’m not angry.” He mumbled as I scooted away from him.

“How is Arianna?” The therapist exhaled deeply as she looked at us with a forced smile.

“She’s fine, trying to get used to someone-“ I glanced over at Nikki “being around again. She’s in kindergarten now and is doing wonderful.”

Nikki piped up, “She’s a great kid, takes after her mother so wonderfully well.” He shook his head as he glared at me. I attempted to speak but he continued, “Coke angry Vanity and all of her fuckin tantrums don’t need to show up when Arianna is around. I grew up with a mother who used so I know what it’s like.”

“Yeah Vanitys mentioned a thing or two about you and your own addictions.”

“I am still trying to over come them everyday. I go to meetings, talk to my sponsor. I actually try.”

“And here comes the sob story.”

If Nikki wasn’t angry before I said that, then he sure as hell was now, “Sob story?! Are you fucking kidding me!?” Nikki grabbed the pillow I was holding onto and flung it across the room, “Me almost killing myself is a god damn sob story to you?! Fuck you, Vanity! You should know better than that! Christ sake, you’re apart of that sob story!”

“Nikki, I didn’t-“

“Didn’t mean it?! You never mean anything because you never fuckin do anything wrong, right?! Little miss princess Vanity with all her millions and millions of oil money can do no harm because everything about you is so god damn perfect, right?!” Nikki shouted, making me flinch at his loudness.

“What have I ever done to you? Except fuck Tommy more than once? Fucked Slash? What have I ever done to hurt you?” I questioned him as he stared at me.

“More than once?!”

“You had intercourse with Slash?” Dr Watson seemed genuinely surprised.

Through gritted teeth and a clenched jaw, “You fucked Tommy? Again?! When! You said it was only one time!”

“I-I didnt… I didn’t…”

He arched an eyebrow, “Now you’re gonna lie about it?! Did you fuck him again or not? Tell me right now Vanity.”

“Vanity, it’s alright. Just be honest about it with Nikki. It’s always a smart thing to share your past sexual partners with your current one.”

“I’m not fucking him!” I pointed at Nikki, “I don’t want to touch him and I don’t want him touching me! He probably got some fucking disease from his little wife.”

Nikki was more outraged at the fact I would call him dirty then anything else I’ve been saying, “I am clean, Vanity! Unlike you since you like to hop from dick to fucking dick!”

I smacked his arm, “Don’t talk to me like that!”

“Hit me again Vanity. I promise you won’t like what I do.” Nikki threatened as I almost took him up on it.

“Okay! Okay, stop it!” Lillian raised her voice a tad before clearing her throat, “Vanity, just be honest with Nikki. Nobody is hitting anyone."

“I slept with Tommy when he first came to New York, when he found me. I was emotional and he was there for me. You should be happy he was there for me Nikki!”

He laughed, “Happy?! Happy that my best friend stuck his cock in you?! Why should I be happy that you opened your fucking legs for him again?!”

“So clearly the issues run deep..” The doctor mumbled as I stared at Nikki with tears in my eyes, “I am sorry!”

“Sorry for what exactly?! Sleeping with my best friend? Running from me because of what I did? Sticking a needle into your god damn arm? Or keeping Arianna from me out of spite?!”

“Out of spite? None of this is out of spite, Sixx! None of it!” I cried to him as he shook his head, running a ringed hand over this face.

“Really?! So five years you just couldn’t call or write or fuckin mention we have a kid! Had to find out from coming back here and bumping into you out of luck!”

I looked away from him and at the therapist, “It wouldn’t be hard if he stopped fucking up! Do you know how many times I’ve had to deal with his shit! To pick up the pieces of what he’s done!! Maybe instead of shoving shit up your nose and crying over me like Tommy said you were, you should’ve tried a bit harder!”

Nikki was at his wits end with me, “Tried?! I fucking called your mother every god damn day! I wrote a fucking letter to you only for it to be sent back to the house! Don’t tell me I didn’t try! I would’ve gotten on my god damn knees for you! You were the one that didn’t try! You say I tossed you to the side, no! You fucking tossed me to the side! You left me! You fucking left without a trace! Left everything behind! Everything we had together like I was fucking nothing to you!” I watched him as I saw tears falling down his reddened cheek as he continued yelling his frustrations at me.

“You left me, Vanity. I wanted to fix it. You said it would have been better for us if I had just fucking died when I overdosed. Do you have any clue how that made me felt? How that simple sentence ripped my heart to shreds. I would’ve been satisfied with just your siblings or your mom telling me I was going to be a father. You knew how bad I wanted to be a dad, to have a family with you, to watch you carry my child. You chose to be selfish, Vanity.”

Our eyes stayed locked on one another as we sat in a silence that was choking me, “I’m not selfish.”

“Bullshit Vanity.” Nikki croaked as his tongue stuck out to lick away salty tears at the corner of his lips, “It’s always about you and what you want. You wanted to keep her away from me, you said you could keep going as a single parent not that long ago but I’m sure you would just keep paying Clementine to babysit her.”

“I never wanted to keep her from you!” My soft expression quickly turned into a scowl, “Do not bring Clem into this! She’s done nothing but help me!”

“Clementine practically takes care of her half the time while you’re off doing god knows what, Van! Don’t you see that?! I’d love to see how to it would’ve went if you didn’t find anyone.”

My eyes narrowed at him, “I’d be able to do it by myself! I don’t need you or anyone.”

My eyes stayed glued to his before I looked away when Dr Watson had put her notebook down, “I think we might be done with this session…”

“Yeah. That’s enough.” Nikki muttered as he fixed his shirt and grabbed his jacket from the table.

“Like I said, I’m not a couples therapist. But I think there’s a lot that needs to be uh, mended.”

He laughed, “No shit.” I quickly swatted his side, “Don’t be a dick. Thank you Dr Watson."

“Yeah, Thanks Watson.” Nikki spoke gruffly as we both started walking to the door, the therapist closing it right after us.

Nikki quickly grabbed my hand as he pulled me down the hallway. I saw his head shaking as he mumbled my name and profanities under his breath, “Ow, Sixx.” I winced as his rings were pinching my skin, “You’re hurting my hand.” I attempted to pull away from his grasp, he looked at me before opening up a door and shoving me inside, “What the fuck is your issue?!” I yelled as he flipped on the switch and slammed the door shut, blocking me from leaving even if I wanted too.

Nikki stepped closer to me, “You have a lot of fucking nerve acting like that in there.” I took a step back and bumped into the trash can Before I grabbed the counter of the bathroom to balance myself, “Just sitting there talking shit about Nikki and all the bad things he’s done to you.”

“I wasn’t talking shit!” I argued back, “And you started it! I was ready to have a nice peaceful session but no, you had to go and open your fucking-“ I instantly stopped talking when he closed the distance between us, roughly grasping my chin in the palm of his hand.

“There you go again! Blaming everything on me! Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking bitch I wouldn’t have to be an asshole to you! You ever think of that one, princess!?” Nikki forcefully pressed his lips to mine causing me to wince against the friction. Teeth scraping against my skin as I soon tasted a drop of blood on our lips, with a breath being deprived from my lungs as Nikki wrapped his hand around my throat, lightly squeezing as he did so.

I tried reaching for a fistful of his hair, on instinct alone his free hand captured mine in his as he held it behind my back. My nails scratched and pinched at his hand only for him to tighten his grip around my neck. A shaky, girly moan escaped through my lips as he took a step back, hand still wrapped around my throat as he broke out in an arrogant grin. His thumb traced over my bottom lip, wiping away the blood before he took it away and sucked it off himself.

I wrapped my fingers into his hair, roughly yanking his head down to continue the heated kiss. My tongue ran over his lip, before gently tugging on it with pearly whites. Nikki groaned as he placed his hands on my hips before his fingers found the button and zipper of my jeans. I pulled away from him, shoving his hands from me as I attempted to push my pants down. I let out a yelp before slapping my hand over my mouth when Nikki roughly grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to him, holding brunette strands by the root as he tilted my head back and pressed soft simple pecks to the front of my neck, “Let’s see if you remember who the fuck you belong too.”

The deep baritone of his voice sent chills down my spine as well as heat straight to my core. I tried to kiss him again but he refused to let me. His hand found my throat again, needy whimpers escaping. I followed his lips, mere inches from one another as his nose brushed against mine, “Nikki…” a pleading moan came from me as he chuckled darkly in return. His sage colored eyes were making my skin crawl in the best kinda way, knowing he was planning, thinking some of the most dirtiest things. I let my hands wander, landing on a silver buckle as I undid it and let it hang loosely on his hips.

Nikki backed me up until I hit the sink counter. He towered over me. one hand at the base of my neck, forcing me to keep eyes on him. I felt cold rings running down my body as he pulled the thin blue fabric down from between my legs.. An attempt to squeeze my thighs together due to the coolness failed when Nikki brought an open palm down on my ass. I closed my eyes before looking back up at him.

“Look at those pretty eyes just begging for me. Thought you didn’t need me, Princess?” I frowned at his words only for him to let out a laugh. His middle finger traced over my lip as I welcomed it, letting my tongue roll over the rough pad before sucking on the tip. Nikki added another finger to the mix, middle and ring now as I gave it the same treatment, “Dirty fucking girl.” He smirked in my face as he took his fingers from my mouth and placed them between my legs. My head tried dropping to watch what he was doing only for him to yank me by my hair, “Eyes on me. Only me.”

My lips parted when his fingers skillfully invaded my body, knuckle fucking deep. It was abrupt and sudden when his fingers began moving at a fast pace inside of me, fingers curling at just the right spot. The vulgarity of the sound of his palm slapping against my body bounced off the tranquil and zen picture frames that hanged on the wall.

“O-oh my god.” My voice was reduced to a whimper as he finally let his lips meet mine. I rested my hand on his shoulder, fingers gripping the hem of his shirt as I broke the kiss, “Nikki!! Fu-fuck!” I cried out for him, feeling him push another finger inside of me as he poked and prodded at the bundle of nerves inside of me. My eyes screwed shut, feeling them roll into the back of my head behind closed lids as I felt myself fall off the edge of pleasure.

“That’s it baby. Come apart for me, let me get a fucking taste.” Nikki relentlessly abused my insides until his hand was drenched with sticky wetness. I attempted to regain composure, pushing hair out of my face as I watched him suck and lick his fingers clean. Tattooed fingers engulfed themselves around chocolate strands of hair as he pulled my face towards his, warm and soft lips finding mine.

“Still taste so god damn sweet baby girl.” Nikki moaned as he grabbed me by my hips, roughly pulling me away from him before bending me over the counter, hair tangled in a fist as my cheek laid against the cool tile.

I closed my eyes, attempting to catch my breath as I listened to the sound of a zipper being pulled down followed by a sickening slap against my skin. I chewed on my bottom lip as I brought my head up, “Watch me.” Nikki growled as he yanked my head up a bit more. His free hand was wrapped around the base of his cock, giving long and slow strokes to himself.

My lips parted with a silent moan that never tumbled out as I felt Nikki press the tip to my entrance before pushing in. I breathed out a sigh of relief as I felt him fill me, completely. I noticed his bangs covering his eyes, but I could tell he was looking down at the intrusion of my body.

“O-oh fuck, Van.” Nikki moaned, sliding his cock out slowly slowly before sliding back into me “Fuck me.” He groaned, taking his hand away from my hair and digging his fingers into my hip His pace started increasing as his hips smacked against my bottom, fucking me harder and deeper.

Tattooed fingers found themselves curled over my shoulder, nails roughly scraping at my skin. My hips naturally started rocking into each of his thrusts, feeling my insides clench around his throbbing length. I closed my eyes, moans of his names falling off my tongue. An arm of his snaked around my body with a hand dipping underneath my shirt as he grabbed my tits, finger tips pinching and twisting my nipples.

“You feel so good, Nikki.” I breathed out, feeling his hand twist into my hair again. My neck crained back, his lips press against my forehead as he thrusted into me hilt deep. He moved my hair to the side, pressing rough and wet opened mouth kisses to my shoulder before nipping at the soft and delicate skin.

“You still take my cock so well, Princess. So fucking tight and wet for me. So…fuckin perfect.” Nikki breathed into my ear, nibbling gently as he did so. I turned my head just a bit, letting my lips find his before he broke the kiss and pulled out of me.

Nikki dragged me into a stall, making the door bang against the hinges as he sat down and pulled me over his hips.

“This isn’t sanitary.” I mumbled, “Ow!” A rude and sharp slap against my ass cheek ended all complaints I had.

“…don’t give a fucking shit.” Nikki stated in a husky tone as he gripped my hips, fingers digging into the skin roughly. I wrapped my hand around his throbbing member as I hovered over him, slowly sliding down onto it before I gripped his shoulder.

Pornographic moans fell from both of our lips as he buried himself inside of me. I started grinding my hips into his, feeling Nikki accommodate himself in the most delicious way. Nikki Sixx being the only man to ever do so.

Nikki cupped my jaw, pulling my face towards his as our lips touched in a slow and deliberate kiss. His tongue found mine as I tasted the fruity gum he was chewing on. His hips started thrusting up into me at a slow pace, “You feel that baby?” Nikki broke the kiss, his bright green eyes borrowing holes into mine. I nodded my head in a sheepish manner, “That’s all yours.”

I wrapped my free arm around his shoulder, leaning into his chest as I focused on his movements inside of me. He reached between our bodies, fingers dancing around my clit at a rapid pace. I closed my eyes, feeling myself clench around him. I knew he was close too by the way he twitched inside of me.

“Go on baby, cum all over this fuckin cock. Let me have it.” Nikki’s voice was strained as he tried holding off to let me hit my peak first.

“Nik-“ I moaned loudly, only for Nikki to put his hand over my mouth when the bathroom door opened up. My eyes rolled as he continued to thrust into me at a slower pace, smirking at me when I felt myself cum as I moaned into his hand.

“Shit..” Nikki whispered as he pulled out of me, taking his cock into his hand and giving himself a few rough pumps before he hit his end. I sat in his lap still, watching him jack himself off for a few more minutes until he relaxed onto the toilet he was perched up on.

We both heard the water start running as whoever came into the bathroom was singing to themselves, “Look.” Nikki whispered as he wrote ‘V&N’ on the stall with his own cum. I covered my mouth to keep my laughter in as I shoved his shoulder playfully.

“So romantic.” I mouthed before getting off his lap and pulling up my jeans and panties. I stepped out of the stall, the other woman smiling at me through the mirror as I washed my hands and fixed my unruly hair, wincing when my fingers brushed past my scalp. The women was taking her sweet time as she started checking her make up and fixing her own hair so I decided to leave the bathroom and waited out in the hallway.

My eyes went wide when I heard yelling coming from the bathroom, “Sorry!” Nikki yelled back as he stepped out of the bathroom, glaring at me, “I thought she left! Not you!” He shook his head at me as he reached for my hand.

“So, you wanna grab some food?” He questioned as he held the office door open for me and we stepped outside.

I wrapped my hand around his bicep as we walked to my car, "Yeah, I would like that." I smiled up at him, Nikki lowering his head down to give me a quick peck on the lips.

Nikki helped me into the car, closing it as I was situated. He started driving to wherever he decided to take us. He rested his hand on my thigh as I intertwined our fingers together.

I hope this meant good things were coming for us.

[ronyxfic]

Educating the Victim - Act VI, Intermission IV

Pairing: Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond

Rating: Mature

Warnings/Tags: emotional abuse, fatphobia

INTERMISSION: The Happiest Place On Earth

 “Okay.” Rose set down her bag after coming back from the toilet on the train. “Can you tell me where we’re going now?”

She could guess, really; they were on the Eurostar, and there were only a few destinations that made sense at this point.

“Are you taking me to Paris, Roxy? This is a weird time for a big romantic gesture, but I still appreciate it.”

 Roxy gave her a cheeky grin, the kind that used to dazzle Rose just a few months back. "Listen, I know it's been a few rough weeks for you recently, and that I haven't been the best girlfriend to you. So I'm doing something nice for once, alright? It's going to be a chill weekend, you're going to feel revived and then maaaybe get back to work?"

 Rose smiled and sat down next to her, leaning into Roxy. “I’ve always wanted to go to Paris, secretly,” she said, “and you’re the first one to take me. It’s sweet.”

  Roxy nuzzled her back. "Yeah, well, don't get too used to it. I have a reputation to uphold. But... I think this will be nice. The accommodation is super and we'll be able to do everything there."

 “So... what’s on the schedule? Sightseeing? Wine tasting? Did you scout out some nice restaurants? It’ll be nice to have some good food for once.” Rose gave Roxy a peck on the cheek. “It’ll also be good to spend some time with you. You’ve not been around as much as I would’ve liked the past few weeks.”

 Roxy tensed up a little, frowning. "Ah, well... it's not quite... that. But no, I've not given you as much attention as I'd like to. I've been busy with... my flatmate and you've just been so reluctant to want anyone for company. But we've got each other now!"

 Rose gave a hesitant smile. “Yeah, it sounds nice. It feels like it’s been ages since we actually spent time together.” She leaned in to Roxy, closing her eyes.

 Roxy watched her, and then ran a hand through her pink locks. They were longer, softer than her own. “Well, everyone’s going to know we’re together, too. Can’t believe I convinced you to match with me. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to get another gir... someone else to do that.”

 Rose gave a chuckle. “I like it,” she said, “and I’ve wanted to dye my hair for ages. You still think it suits me, right?”

 “Um, well, pink doesn’t work on everyone.” Roxy clicked her tongue, and then gave a sly smile. “But it certainly does on you. If you want, we could even make the carpet match the drapes.”

 Rose blushed deeply. “I’m not so sure about that, Rox. But, uh. I’m open to it if it would make you happy, I guess.”

 “Hmm?” Roxy’s touches became more firm, her fingers untangling curls before tugging her, just sharply enough to draw a shocked breath from Rose. “And here I was utterly convinced you liked a little pain down there. But, no, I do suppose you’re quite sensitive to bleach. Oh well. There’s been a new trend of chicks dying their armpits online. Mostly tumblr folk, though, you know I don’t mix with them.”

 “I’ve never been on tumblr so I wouldn’t know.” Rose shrugged. “So when do we get to Paris?”

 "In a couple of hours." Roxy seemed a little tense for a second. "And you're really not missing out. Just crazy teenager bitches thinking they can outdo the feminism we've been building for decades, and somehow only to include men. They're all insane."

 “Yeah, sounds like it’s better not to get mixed up with that,” Rose agreed. “The entire thing is too political for me. I have bigger worries, you know.”

 "You do! Like picking out which Rosé will go with the dinner we're having tonight." Roxy pecked her cheek before pulling out a chunky portable DVD player. "And look at what the cat dragged in, too. I brought some films, just for the trip."

 Rose rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “I mean, that, and my dad dying of cancer,” she said, “but films are important too. What should we watch?”

 "Oh, shit. Sorry." Roxy said, but was preoccupied by looking through her bag. "Hmmm. Inception. Stuart Little... how did that get there? Avatar... That film was so unmemorable for something so big."

 “It was pretty impressive in the cinemas,” Rose said, “well, at least visually. We can start there and see how far we get?”

 "Alright, I can strap myself in for this snoozefest." Roxy seemed visibly disappointed, but didn't say any more.

 Rose read her body language perfectly. She shrunk in on herself. Why even bring it if it’s obviously the wrong choice?

She busied herself with putting on the movie and let out a soft sigh.

  Roxy read into the sigh and put her arm back and Rose, less intimate. "Is there a problem?"

 Rose cast her a glance. “No, it’s fine. Let’s just watch the movie.”

 Roxy gently tossed her arms up into a shrug. "Whatever, babe." And pressed play.

 Most of the train ride passed with them watching the movie in an awkward silence. Rose barely even dared to look at Roxy.

Well fuck me if this is the way this weekend is gonna go.

 Their silence was broken about twenty minutes before the journey ended, as Roxy got herself up. "Gonna take a leak and get some grub. Want anything?"

 “Some tea would be nice, I guess,” Rose said. “Aren’t we eating when we get there?”

 "I suppose, but that's not likely to happen for a couple of hours. We need to catch another couple of trains when we get to Paris, unless you want to eat at the station." There was a sort of scoff in her voice.

Always eating, this one.

 “Oh. Are... we not staying in the city?” Rose didn’t miss Roxy’s tone.

 "Not exactly. It's kind of a surprise."

 Rose raised an eyebrow. “Taking me to Paris isn’t enough of a surprise?”

 "It is in Paris." It was Roxy's turn to look a little sheepish. "Just trust me, yeah? It's going to be nice."

 Rose softened a little. “Okay. I trust you. Do I need to wear a blindfold or something?”

 "That won't be necessary. I'm sure you'll be able to tell soon enough, anyway."

 “Alright then. You just lead the way when we get there. And... I wouldn’t mind getting something to eat.”

 "Of course you wouldn't. Want something sweet? Crisps?"

 “Actually, I was more thinking like a sandwich.” Rose blushed a little. “But... maybe I just won’t have anything. We can eat when we get there.”

 "Probably a good idea anyway!" Roxy was already making her way down the train cart before turning on her heel. "Were you the one who likes milk and no sugar, or black and sugar?"

 “...both milk and sugar. If that’s okay.” Rose looked down, feeling guilty. “Maybe just milk this time.”

 "I mean, dairy is just more calories." Roxy looked her up and down. "Just sayin'.”

 Rose frowned. “Well, I don’t like my tea black. Oh, you know what, never mind. We still have water. I’ll be fine.”

 "Awh," Roxy pouted before turning again. "Well, if you're sure."

 Rose didn’t answer. She rummaged in her bag until she found the water bottle; by the time she’d pulled it out, Roxy was gone.

 Roxy returned just as the train conductor announced that they were nearly in Paris. She carried an armful of snacks, including a cheese crossiant in her mouth. She placed the array on the table. "The queue was a mile long and I ended up going a bit overboard."

 “Well, we’re nearly there. Do you want me to take some of these in my bag?” Rose offered, reaching out for the snacks.

 "Alright, just make sure I see some of them." Roxy teased as she sat down. "Oh! Look, you can already see the city from here." She went through her bag and pulled out some sheets of paper. "Next train is in ten. We'll need to run to wherever this platform is."

 “Oh boy. Okay.” Rose gathered her stuff. “Let’s try not to lose each other. I’m sure this station will be packed.”

 "Okay." Roxy outstretched her hand as the train pulled to stop, the other passengers began to gather themselves up. "Follow me, yeah?"

 Rose held on to Roxy’s hand as they made their way through the busy station. The train Roxy led them to was about to leave, so Rose didn’t have time to check where it was going. They jumped on, and the doors closed behind them.

The announcement was in French, and there was only one word that Rose understood.

Disneyland. Oh god please don’t tell me... it might just be a coincidence. Surely she wouldn’t.

  Meanwhile, Roxy began to grow more and more excited. "I've always wanted to go, but never had the time, you know." She pulled out a disposable camera, "I know it's a bit old school and that we can't take naughty pics, but I also brought this. First trip selfie?"

 Rose let Roxy drag her into the selfie and put on a smile. Please tell me you haven’t.

 They drew closer, the sound of children clamouring was getting louder. A group of what appeared to be excited school children had settled in the seats around them. "Ugh. Forgot there would be kids around." Roxy muttered.

 Rose watched in growing horror.

Finally, she couldn’t keep it in anymore. “We’re not going to Disneyland, are we?”

 "Winner winner, chicken dinner! Surprise!" Roxy clapped her hand as the train stopped. "We're here!"

 Rose froze for a solid few seconds.

This is a dream. This can’t be real. This is wrong.

But she didn’t wake up, and nothing changed. She clenched her teeth.

“Wow,” she said. “Uh. I... I don’t know what to say.”

 "Isn't it great?" Roxy roughly grabbed onto Rose's arm, practically trembling with excitement. "Apparently they serve a lot of booze here, too, so it should be really swell!" The train stopped, the noise outside could be heard through the open train window. "You can start thanking me now."

 Rose looked away. “Thanks,” she muttered. As the noise grew, Rose grew close to tears.

This is going to be horrible.

 Roxy clocked in to her tone. She paused for a few moments, frowning. "Hey, what's the matter? You okay?"

 Rose sighed, the tension going out of her shoulders for a moment. “I... just didn’t expect to have to deal with... crowds and loud noises and children.”

 "Awh, shoot! I mean, honey, you're planning to work at a school. You might as well get used to it."

 Rose shot her an impenetrable look.

“It’s kind of different when I’m supposed to be on holiday,” she said. “Whatever. Let’s go. What’s the plan?”

 Roxy turned still. People started to get out of the train carriage, leaving them alone. She then curled her lip. "You can go home right now if you don't want to spend time with me. I thought we were trying to work on trusting each other."

 Rose’s chest tightened. “Which is why I asked you what the plan was. Look, this isn’t... about me not wanting to spend time with you.”

 Roxy's expression shifted into a dark glare. She took out her wallet and pulled a few notes. "Well, go have yourself a time somewhere else, sweetie. I'm gonna hit up fucking Disneyland because I paid for a cool holiday for both of us and frankly, I can do it alone."

 “Roxy, no!” Rose immediately shrunk back to Roxy’s side, her expression meek. “I’m sorry, okay? I... I’m excited about this. I am. Don’t abandon me here, please.”

 Roxy gave her a little more of her glare and then forced a smile, as if nothing had happened. "Alright, sweetie. I'm glad we could figure this out. I love you so much." She grabbed at Rose's hand. "Let's go!"

 Rose let herself be dragged along by Roxy through the crowd of excited children, feeling nothing but dread.

This is like the exact opposite of what I needed.

 Roxy seemed to be absolutely unaware, chatting eagerly as they approached the entrance. "The food here is super special. It's a bit tacky but I'm sure they've got lots of protein options in case you want to stay away from carbs."

 Rose looked around, uneasy. “Are we staying at a hotel here?”

 "Yep! Disney's Hotel New York. It's a bit further away than the Disney hotel itself, but only about a ten minute walk." She gave a cheeky grin. "Empire state club room."

 “That sounds... great,” Rose said. She felt like she needed a drink. “Are we going there first, then?”

 "Yeah, just need to check in and dump all of our shit." Roxy nodded, walking past some children and shooting them a dangerous glare.

 “Okay. Let’s do that, then.” At least a hotel room promised some respite from the children, and maybe Rose would be able to convince Roxy not to go out today in favour of a nap and some cuddles.

 "I can't wait to check out the park. I've always wanted to laugh at how bad the character suits are, apparently the actors need to stay in character too." Roxy chuckled, pulling her blackberry phone out as it buzzed and biting her lip in a sultry way as she glanced at the message.

 Rose ignored Roxy’s phone. Roxy had a busy social life, was constantly getting messages. “That sounds fun,” she said absent-mindedly. “Can we rest for a bit when we get to the hotel?”

 Roxy was quiet as she texted back, tongue sticking out in concentration, seemingly not even listening to Rose. She then glanced up. "What was that?"

 Rose already regretted asking. “Nothing, never mind. You know where we’re going, right?”

 "Uh, yeah. What do you take me for?" Roxy looked back at her phone. "Unless you wanna get food first?"

 “Food might be nice.” Rose started to relax a tiny little bit.

 "Alright, I'm also sure there's stuff closer to the hotel?" Roxy looked at her phone again. "Hold on, I'll see if I can find the map screenshot I downloaded."

She scrolled through her gallery, past a few of her own nudes. "Oh shit, better turn that brightness down."

 Rose got an eyeful of those pictures and immediately blushed. “Hey, I haven’t seen those. They look nice. Were you saving them for me?”

 "Uh, yeah." Roxy's eyes darted left to right. "I guess I ruined the surprise there. Oh! Found it! We're just a couple of minutes away. Can you manage until then?"

 “Of course, I’m not that desperate for food.” Rose gave Roxy a small smile. Things were okay... weren’t they?

 "Oh good. Then we'll slip bags away and go get food?" Roxy finally put her phone away.

 “Sounds good.” Rose hesitantly reached out for Roxy’s hand.

 After checking in, the two made their way into the hotel suite. All aspects seemed incredibly family oriented in the decor, ranging from garish colours to more adorned spaces. Roxy opened the doors and ran for the bed, "Haha! Check this place out!"

 Rose came in after her, the colours and decor already feeling overwhelming. She set down her bag and looked around. "Yes, it looks really cute," she said. For a five year old.

  "Isn't it just?" Roxy looked starry eyed. "Oh, it's everything I hoped for us! Ooo, look at that view, you can actually see a lot of the park!"

 Rose joined her by the window. "Wow, yeah, you can," she said, trying to sound enthusiastic. Down there she could see rollercoasters, shops, more bright colours... people. Children. Everywhere.

"Fantastic," she said, trying not to let sarcasm bleed into her voice.

 Roxy clocked the tone. "Is something the matter? Are you alright? Hungry?"

 "... yeah. Tired from travelling, I guess. Some food might be nice." Rose sat down on the bed, which at least felt comfortable and soft. She wanted to sink down into it and sleep until it was time to go home.

 "Alright. There's some places around, I can go and scout out some things while you nap, if you want?" Roxy said, starting to take out her luggage. "I've got some friends who live in Paris to meet up with at some point just in case you're not feeling up to going outside."

 "Oh, actually, I would love to see Paris, if you're going into the city... but a nap might be nice as well." Please, I want to see Paris... get me out of Disneyland, please.

 "Ah, well, I'll have to arrange it first and we want to stay mostly at the park, anyway?" Roxy tilted her head up from the closet where she was stacking her clothes. Something in her tone spoke that she didn't want Rose to be involved with going into the capital.

 Rose caught on, her heart twisting. "Please can I come? I've always wanted to see the city. It's so romantic as well, we could get dinner at a nice place there? And if you've got friends here I'd love to meet them. Please can we go together?"

 Roxy suddenly looked suspiciously uncomfortable. She didn't look Rose in the eyes, despite the forced pleasantness of her tone. "I'll see what I can do. How about you catch that nap while I see about food? I'll find a place that does something nice and low carb for you, yeah?"

 "Yeah, sure." Rose's shoulders slumped, and she began taking off her jacket. "Do you know when you'll be back?"

 "Not too long, feel free to rest as long as you need to. If you want, you can even sleep and lemme know when you wake up so we can meet up at the park?" Roxy got her makeup bag and pulled out a few bits.

 "Maybe... but maybe food first." Rose, personally, wanted to avoid going into the park for as long as possible. "We could, uh, chill for today and go in... maybe tomorrow?" she suggested timidly.

 "Oh man, but I paid a lot for all the days." Roxy pouted behind her mascara wand. "How about... I get us some food and you can sleep after while I hit the park? Or you could just sleep and avoid the calories. Might help!" Her tone was barely just joking.

 "Maybe. I don't know." Rose was exhausted. "I'll take a nap and see how I feel."

 "Alright, well! I'll be a phone call away. Kisses!" Roxy's lips were glossy and glittery, leaving a sticky mark on Rose's cheek.

 Rose waited until the door had closed behind Roxy, then gave in to the urge to wipe the lipgloss from her cheek. She sighed and slowly unpacked her bag, changed into her pyjamas, but not without looking at her belly, feeling disgusted. Roxy was right. Maybe she should just skip lunch. And maybe dinner too.

She'd slimmed down a little in the past few months, but not enough. Never enough.

She sighed once again, wrapped herself in blankets and tried to fall asleep.

 --

 It was their last day at the park. Roxy had been sifting through her desired rides, seemingly blind to Rose's increasing contempt and frustration. She fidgeted at her set of bedazzled Mickey Mouse ears as she spied a map. "Just a couple left! How about ‘Small World’? Cl- My old ex and I always chatted about going there to make out, it's a staple of the Disneyland experience."

 Rose avoided Roxy's eyes. "Sure. Last one?" The thought of having to once again live up to Roxy's ex made her feel sick.

 "Yeah, I'm getting pretty tired of all this." Roxy began walking towards the direction of the queue. The timer display noted that the wait would be approximately fifty minutes. "Oh, hey, not too bad!" Roxy exclaimed, pointing at it.

 "Oh. Fantastic." It had gotten increasingly difficult to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. Rose looked around and was put off by how many small children there were. "Are you sure about this?"

 "Uh, yeah?" Roxy narrowed her eyes. Her tone passive aggressive. "Is there a problem?" Her voice was dangerously loud.

 "No, no. Of course not." Rose shrugged it off, as usual. "Let's do it."

 Roxy smiled, but something in her eyes still seemed to be burning. "Excellent! Can't wait, I've heard this one is incredibly catchy."

 "Cool." Rose forced a smile. "Can I get one of those slushies before we join the queue?"

 "Uh... I think we've had enough of that today." Roxy gave Rose's belly a little pat, her tone condescending. Members of the queue turned to look. "We could fill up on food after?"

 "Okay." Rose turned away from Roxy a bit. "Let's go then."

The queue was long, full of children, and looked like it moved very slowly. Rose couldn't think of what to say to fill up the time they had, so she stood in silence.

 Roxy took her phone out to text, and did so for about the wait time. As they approached the entrance, she turned to Rose. "You okay?"

 Rose didn't look. "Yeah, I'm okay." She couldn't help sounding bitter. "Having the best time of my life, in fact."

 Roxy frowned. "I don't appreciate your tone. What is wrong?"

 Rose looked at her, a comical grin on her face. "Nothing is wrong! Everything is great! I just said I'm having the best time!" Her voice rose a bit.

 "Jesus! What is the matter with you?"Roxy hissed, looking around. "Chill! What's the problem, I know you're messing with me."

 "What's the-" Rose snorted, laughed bitterly. "What isn't the problem!! I haven't been enjoying any of this! Not that you would care!"

 "Um? I paid for your fat ass to have a vacation in the happiest place on Earth? Why are you not enjoying yourself?"

 "The happiest place on earth, my ass. Maybe if you're five." Rose was seething. She stopped, though, as it was their turn to go on the ride.

They entered the boat and were engulfed by a tunnel. The boat they were in moved slowly, and in the tunnel, small figurines in picturesque settings started singing and dancing in slow, robotic motions.

"Seriously?! We waited in line for an hour, for this?" Rose hissed.

 A loud 'shhh' emanated from the boat behind them. Roxy swallowed, her cheeks red even in the dim lights. "Stop it! You're being embarrassing! And fucking ungrateful, you brat!"

 "Ungrateful? I never asked for this!" Rose did not pipe down. Actually, she got louder with every word. "Maybe I'd be more grateful if you'd actually asked! Or considered my feelings or wishes, ever! But no! We get fucking Disneyland, with an obligation to go on the side. I hate noise! I hate kids! I hate rollercoasters! I hate all of this!"

 "You haven't said a peep about that until now!" Roxy somehow grew louder than Rose, nearly standing up. "You're so fucking blind if you can't see how ungrateful you're being, and it's appalling! And now you're causing drama and ruining this bloody trip! Do you know how long I've looked forward to this? Over twenty fucking years! Twenty years, I've wanted to go to Disneyland, with my dad, with Claire, and I chose to do it with you because you're the most important person to me!"

 “Am I really? Because wow, that’s big news to me! I’ve really just gotten the impression that the only person you really care about is yourself! I wanted none of this! I didn’t want to go to fucking Disneyland, I didn’t want to go on this ride, and I sure as hell didn’t want to live off food from Disneyland when we’re in Paris. I thought I made myself clear that I wanted to go into the city! But no, you snuck off while I was asleep and didn’t even bring me anything! I don’t want to be here, Roxy!”

 “You never said anything about being unhappy, though! Do you expect me to read your fucking mind?” Roxy hissed, but a deep blush seemed to have formed over her cheeks as her visit to the city was mentioned. She suddenly turned as she heard a child crying from the boat behind her, and realised that all other attendants had been staring at the confrontation, wide eyed. “Listen, you fat twat. Do you want to break up right now? Because I’m happy to leave this ride single if you’re going to be this ungrateful and shitty to me. But good luck finding someone, anyone else that’ll drag you to Paris, all expenses paid.”

 Rose drew back, tears gathering in her eyes. Her lips trembled, and she continued, whispering. “I just... I was hoping for something quiet. And nice. And to spend time with you, and maybe talk about stuff, you know I’m going through a lot right now, with my dad and everything. I just wanted to rest a bit. And that’s not really possible here. Is it?”

 “I mean, I figured it would be a good distraction. We’ve even got the hotel room for privacy, but you’ve been bloody mum about all your feelings since we got here, frankly.” Roxy rolled her eyes. “You’re acting like I don’t care about any of your family shit, and I really, really do. I’m here for you and I love you and I’m, like, listening? Who else has been here for you, huh? Your mom? Friends? Absolutely fucking no one.”

 “Well, you kind of... get upset with me if I mention it or if I talk to anyone else about it. I don’t have anyone else to talk to and if I try to talk to you, you just tell me to stop being such a baby!” Rose found herself crying, unable to control her volume anymore. “And you never listen to me when I tell you what I want! You had a million chances to give me what I want this trip! And you squandered each and every one of them because you wanted to go to Disneyland! And because apparently listening to me is too much of a fucking chore!”

 Roxy shot her a hard glare and sat down, face displaying deep upset. "Have fun finding your way back to England."

 The ride had ended. The child behind them was still crying. Other people were giving them looks ranging from pity to outrage.

Rose just wanted to cease existing in that moment. She didn’t even bother answering Roxy, just turned around and ran for it, making her way back to the hotel room while crying.

If this is what she wants, she can have it. I don’t care. I’m going home.

When she reached the hotel room, she tried to pack, but found herself unable to in the midst of her emotional turmoil, blinded by her tears.

 Roxy was staying behind, still within the park. She glanced into her wallet, considering where Rose had gone off to. The direction of the hotel.

No bother. Rose could do what she wanted, and it was likely going to be self harming in some way. All according to plan. Roxy would just have to avoid the fallout and swoop in at a convenient moment to save her. A few hours would do. Maybe a day of ghosting... Hm...

Roxy smirked for a brief second, already wondering how she'd post up this event as an entry on her account.

Her eyes briefly widened. The account was still open on a tab on her laptop.

"Fuck."

 In the meantime, Rose ended up blindly throwing stuff into her suitcase. Once she was a little distracted by packing, she found that her tears had died down. She could think a little more clearly again.

“Right.” She stood in the chaotic hotel room, looking like a mess, talking to herself. “I need to figure out what train I can take.”

Her eyes fell onto Roxy’s laptop. It looked like it was still on. Rose approached it – knowing that Roxy would flip out if she knew Rose had even thought about touching it.

But then, she didn’t really care about what Roxy thought right now. She opened it up. The internet browser was opened on a LiveJournal.

I shouldn’t.

She skimmed a few sentences, then looked away. She couldn’t help looking at Roxy’s username, though.

Might have a look at that later. I wonder why she’s never told me about this.

She chased the thoughts away and opened a new tab to have a look at trains.

 Roxy was sprinting towards the hotel, earning strange looks as she practically flew past families of park goers. She pressed past the hotel doors, heart beating loudly in her chest.

If Rose had a look through her LiveJournal, it would all be over.

 Rose had been looking for trains on a French website. Her French was only barely good enough to figure out what she was doing, and she had finally found a suitable train when Roxy burst through the door.

Rose immediately jumped away from the laptop.

 Roxy was staring at her, wide eyed. After a pregnant pause, she cleared her throat and straightened her posture, but her voice was still uncharacteristically shaky. "What are you doing?"

 Rose shrunk into herself. "I was just looking up trains to go home," she said.

 "That's all?" Roxy's gaze was unblinking.

 "Y...yeah... I was so upset. I... I want to go home, Roxy."

 Roxy looked at the laptop and let out a deep breath. She approached Rose. "You sure? We can still figure things out. I'll take you to Paris, yeah?"

 "Please don't feel like you have to." Rose looked down. "I don't know, it wouldn't mean as much if you're only doing it because I got mad at you."

 "Nah." Roxy smoothly stepped closer. "It's the least I could do after you had such a shit time. We could hit a restaurant or something on our way back?"

 "Oh... please." Rose found herself caving, her anger dissipating. "That... would be nice."

 "Yeah?" Roxy offered a small smile, rubbing gently on her arm with the light tips of her fingers. "I'm sorry about that fight, I'm such an idiot. I really should just die sometimes."

 "No... no, you don't deserve that." Rose sighed. "I... started packing," she said. "I mean, we're going home tomorrow anyway. We could have a nice evening out in Paris."

 "You've got that website up, pass me the laptop and I'll get us some tickets." Roxy's touches reached Rose's neck. "I'm starting to see your collarbones. Good work."

 "Huh, despite all the Disneyland food?" Rose gave a weak chuckle as she leaned into Roxy's touches. "Well, it wasn't particularly good, so maybe that's why. I haven't eaten that much."

 "Sounds like you're on a good track. You look sexy."

 "Oh, do I, now?" Rose smiled at Roxy and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss onto the corner of Roxy's mouth. "I suppose we could stay here for a little while longer before we go out."

 Roxy returned the smirk as she closed the laptop. "I suppose we could."

[botanyshitposts]

Please tell us more stories about the corn!!

brief preface: i live in iowa, one of the united states’ largest producers of corn (as in maize for those overseas), and worked at a corn breeding research facility. these guys are in charge of creating new lines of seed for farmers to grow; i took the job because it was the only plant science-related job i could, and it sucked but it wasn’t the worst job ive ever had and i made bank because it sucked and no one wanted to do it. there were two parts to this job: data collection and pollination. i wrote out a huge thing on the details of these and then decided it was too long and rambly so imma just gonna skip that stuff and get to the Weird Liminal Space Corn Stories:

-for data collection, our job was to take plant an ear hights in fields all around iowa, meaning that we would get to work in the morning and they would load us up into transit vans and drive us out to a random small town with a test field for testing. once we got there, we had 16-foot-tall wooden measuring sticks we would unfold and bring into the field with us, and the instructions from there were simple: 2 people on each side of the breeder. you measure the line of corn behind you by sticking ur stick next to an average looking plant and reading off first how far up on the plant the first ear of corn was, then reading off how far the base of the flag leaf was. then, you turn around to face the line of corn behind you, and while youre turning around and sticking your measuring stick into the ground on that side your partner reads there numbers, you read your second line of numbers, your partner reads their second line, and then you walk into the nearest alley and march up two lines of corn while the people on the other side of the breeder go. you read the two data points on one side. your partner reads and u turn around. you read the data points behind you. your partner does. while you are going, your breeder is walking up the field typing in the numbers on a data logger and the other team is walking up two rows. once you reach the end of the field, your breeder stops you, you walk two plots down and turn the other direction. you read off your data points, ect, you do that all the way down the field. you do this for hours until your set is done. all told, once your team of 5 people gets oriented and going, it should sound like this to you:

stick. 65, 102. turn. stick. 68, 104. pick up stick. walk down two rows. stick. 85, 102. turn. stick. 84, 103. pick up stick. walk down two rows. ect. you have to annunciate yourself and not talk to your teamates so the breeder can hear you through the corn. on windy days, you have to shout. you dont have time to stop and talk; you actually barely have time to do anything but focus on the manual task of number, turn, number, walk, number, turn, number, walk. when we were done, we would come out covered in sweat and dirt with our sticks, pile in the transit van, and drive like, the 2-3 hours back. work days were about 9 hours with 5 in the field, meaning that you worked 40 hours a week and could do overtime on weekends doing pollination (which was actually really fun). 

-no headphones. at first i thought that rule was stupid, but like, once you enter a cornfield you realize that this is because 1. if someone is screaming your name you need to be able to hear and 2. corn touches everything; when you’re in the corn, there is always something touching you. we wore special hats with veils, long pants, long shirts, eye protection, and closed toed shoes because the corn leaves are sharp and will cut you up; i have scars from this. your headphones would get ripped out within like, .3 seconds, because like corn just snags and slices up everything. 

-one time, on the hottest day of the summer, we were doing the number-turn-number-walk routine and heard someone yelling for our breeder guy. he stopped us short and called back, and like, this is the scary part about cornfields: like i said in the tags of that one post, corn swallows up sound more than anything. it’s impossible to tell where you are and impossible to hear anything, even if you scream, so its best to stay close to your team unless your doing solo work, and if you’re doing solo work like, for the love of god, keep walking in the direction youre supposed to be walking until you’re finished. trust that theres something on the other side, even if you cant see it. but anyway; hes yelling, and shes yelling, and suddenly she bursts through the corn after searching for us and says that this one kid is having a seizure. queue both of them running out of the corn and we’re just standing there. eventually we hear one of the other breeders yelling “___’s group, where are you?!” and we’re like “over here! we’re over here!” and put our sticks up, and the other breeder comes into the alley and we keep doing data points. we had like, 6 kids go home that day because of how hot it was (over 100 degrees) and we ended up not finishing the field because they decided it wasnt safe for us to work anymore. (also, kid was predisposed to seizures and they took him home, he was fine and came back to work a couple days later)

-i kind of talked about this in the tags of that other post, but i think the scariest day was the day we were in a test field a little ways away from the research center. it was kind of stormy but we were like ok whatever, we’ve gotten rained on before with no problem, queue us starting the data collection for the day. its…..really windy. like. i wish i could recreate that feel in art or something or even film it someday, because 1. when the wind blew, the whole field-which, remember, this is our whole world when we’re in there because you can’t see anything but corn in every direction- moved. like, bended, which is typical of corn because like yeah duh it does that, but its like if you were standing in a hallway and suddenly all the walls bent with the wind and so did the cieling. it was that disorienting; i actually stumbled a few times because the only steady thing was the ground and 2. it was loud, like a weird roar in the background. everything is rustling all around you at once. we had to scream our numbers for the breeder to hear us, and when i moved my measuring stick would catch the wind and drag me back a little. then, we heard thunder in the distance. our breeder was like “okay guys we’re gonna finish this field because we’re only like 4 ranges away from the road” and we’re like ok yeah, 40 plots, we can do this. the wind picked up, we kept moving at like twice the pace to get out of there, and when we reached the end it was really close and our breeder was like “come on we have to go now” and we like, picked up our sticks and ran through the corn bending around us with the thunder and everything, can i say midwestern gothic because ive never experienced midwestern gothic more than 4 teenagers with corn sticks and a dude with a data logger running through a discombobulating corn haze at 11am with thunder rolling in. we get to the edge of the field, scramble over the barbed wire fence because we are not running through the rest of the field. in a hot second more teams emerge from the field at various speeds just as it starts storming. we pack up our sticks. our team of four gets in our breeder’s pickup truck and we drive back in the rain. it was a look guys ngl

-throwback to when i just finished doing solo tagging of the ranges in the corn in a field three hours away from the research center. our breeder said to meet him back at the truck when we were done, so when i reach the end of the field having stapled on tags for around 100 ranges (about ten minutes of walking and stapling alone in a single line; these tags will help orient harvesting in the fall), i turn around and start heading straight back, because like again, when you’re in the corn alone its best to know exactly where you are and the way out is always a straight line. i start following my tagging trail back. about five minutes into walking i hear rustling near me. y’all, i was not ready, started jogging and checking behind me and after a little bit i slow down because i feel like i lost whatever it was. rustling continues like its following me. hellno.jpg, not today, i run out of the corn into the alley on the other side, decide i must have imagined it, and start walking towards the truck. as it turns out it was another one of the guys who didn’t know where to go, saw me from his row, and was following me to find his way out of the corn. almost died that day y’all

-occasionally we would visit fields to do brittle snap count, which is lining up, walking a plot, stopping, and yelling out how many broken stalks of corn we counted in the plot we just walked through, then continuing. the whole thing is that farmers understandably hate it when all their corn breaks and dies. we went to this one field that had been hit by a wind storm; it was a really hot day and we were all like dying. this is where my aforementioned scarring comes in. in cornfields, there exists a thingy called corn rash. this is where the corn hits your skin so much that it makes tiny cuts all over you, and then pollen from said corn gets in the cuts along with sweat. it is the worst time i have ever experienced in my life like literally nope would not recommend. eventually we realized that half this field of test crop was broken. like, we stopped counting the amount of plants with broken stems and instead started counting the amount of plants still standing. i was wearing all the protection i needed/that was required (so was everyone else), but it was so hot that literally all of us had corn rash and i was bleeding, big yikes. eventually our super nice breeder for the day realized that we were Struggling™ and was like ok listen we’re going back this isn’t worth it and all the corn is literally dead inexplicably anyway and then took us to get gas station ice cream after bc she felt bad for us lmao, a blessing

-talked to the breeders a lot and asked a ton of questions. learned that sunflower breeding is a thing that happens and that they’re bred to be larger to bear more seed for like, those bags of sunflower seeds you see at gas stations. the more u know

-zoo corn

-the corn in the pollination fields (the corn being bred into pure, genetically identical lines for testing….*insert Corn Discourse Concerning Loss Of Genetic Diversity Here But Not Gonna Talk About It In This Post Bc Its Already Super Long*) gets really weird mutations that i’ve talked about before

-this post got so long im sorry

tl;dr: corn is a terrifying liminal space

[ag-updates-and-archives]

circa survive

[astrofireworks]

house of cards: a night circus binu au (v)

part i | part ii | part iii | part iv

The book in his lap is probably half his weight; it’s big and heavy and musty and the font size is way too small for Eunwoo to read without squinting. The room is dim – the only light coming in is that of dying sunlight streaming in through the window, but he needs to finish this chapter before his instructor comes back.

He does not mind the reading; the only books at the place he was at before the man picked him up were torn and tattered, flipped through so often that some of the words on the edges of pages were rubbed away. It’s new content too, not just stories and soft romances, but words spinning a whole world about magic. There are symbols littering the page, small scribbles next to each symbol explaining its meaning.

He absentmindedly traces a symbol from the book onto his thigh – this one means ‘green’, he thinks. He needs to ask his instructor if he can have a notebook to take notes in; there’s no way he can store all these symbols in his head.

The rattle of the door flying open and hitting the wall vibrates through the whole apartment and Eunwoo looks up just as his instructor turns the doorknob.

He slides into the room and peers at where a small Eunwoo is folded on the floor, giant book in his lap. “You have a table.”

“There’s no light,” Eunwoo replies evenly.

The man frowns and pulls a scrap of paper out of his pocket. He scrawls few small symbols on it and presses his thumb on it once, hard. It flashes red. Eunwoo watches as the man flings the piece of paper into the air and it disappears.  

Almost instantly a soft glow is shed on the table; there is no apparent source. Eunwoo’s eyes are wide with wonder and the man chuckles.

“You’ll learn to do that,” he says.

Eunwoo looks down at the book on his lap, then back up at his instructor, eyes still round in awe.

The man crouches down next to Eunwoo, and with a single flip, reaches the exact page in the book. “That one,” he says, pointing to the symbol for ‘light’, “and this one.” His finger travels down the page to ‘source’. “You’ll learn to do that, when you’re ready.”

“When I’m ready?”

The man settles down on the floor next to Eunwoo. “When I determine that you’re ready. But in the meantime, we have a promise to fulfil.”

Eunwoo blinks.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a golden charm. He slides it into a chain and leans forward to settle it around Eunwoo’s neck. The charm rests like a weight on Eunwoo’s heart.

“It’s going to hurt,” the man warns. “You can hold my hand, if you like.”

Eunwoo shakes his head, but squeezes his eyes shut anyway, and sure enough, there is a burning flash on his chest where the charm has settled against his heart. He nearly topples over from a combination of the pain and the shock.

A world away, Bin doubles over the dinner table, hand pawing at his chest.

~

The iron-wrought gates tower over everything, and Bin can see them even a hundred-people-long-queue distance away.

He wonders when the people at the front of the queue arrived - Jinjin and he have been standing in line for five minutes but already more and more people have gathered behind them in an untidy line. How long it’d take for the person at the ticketing booth to get through them all, Bin has no idea.

He fidgets and checks the time on his phone again for the fifth time in three minutes. Five forty-three.

Rocky said that the circus opens at sunset, and it’s due to happen in about two minutes. Bin squints at the sky. Perhaps there’s some way to make it set faster...

“Whatever you’re thinking, don’t do it. You’re lucky it’s wintertime, sunset’s just a few minutes more,” Jinjin admonishes. He’s tapping away on his phone, no doubt updating the Magician about how popular the circus seems to be.

Bin sighs, and almost on cue, fireworks explode from beyond the gates.

Immediately the crowd hushes and all faces collectively turn towards the sky. The fireworks are bright pure white; they seem to hang in the air, a silver reminder in a deep purple sky that what the people are about to experience is indeed close to, if not, magic.

“Silver,” Jinjin breathes from beside him.

“Silver,” Bin confirms. He yearns to reach for a bit of that silver magic, to taste it, to see what it’s like, but there are too many people around to use his own.

A beat, and more fireworks start blossoming across the night sky. They come in all colours, painting a phrase, slowly and clearly in neat script on the night canvas - “The Circus of Dreams”. Then, slowly, each pinprick of light falls from the sky and onto the circus below; lights start popping on, one by one, candle by candle, as far as the audience can see.

There is another beat, then thunderous applause. Already the audience is impressed, and they have yet to buy their entrance tickets. If anything, those who were unsure about forking over money for a night of entertainment are now convinced that this is their only chance to experience something close to magical.

There is an almost imperceptible rumble, and the gates slowly drift apart.

As Bin and Jinjin shuffle up to the ticketing booth, the man behind the counter squints at them, then at a picture on his computer monitor, then waves Jinjin’s offered payment away. They are presented with two silver tickets - “Courtesy of the acrobats,” the man says and waves them in.

“Rocky pulling through,” Jinjin grins as they walk away, and tucks his ticket into his wallet. “Any idea where you want to head to first?”

~

Jinjin… has no idea where he is.

Bin had the great idea of betting food on who could exit a mirror maze the fastest, and between Bin’s mischievous grin and the delicious smell of cinnamon and buttery popcorn in the air, Jinjin’s resolve melted.

And now he’s stuck in here.

He taps forlornly on a mirror. “Get your shit together,” Jinjin says. His reflection, twice his width and half his height, stares back.

He sighs and turns around, looking at the ceiling in hopes of catching a glimpse of pipes, exit lights, anything that might indicate a direction in which he can move next, but all he sees staring back at him are different versions of Jinjin.

“You,” he points to a Jinjin with glasses, “Tell me how to get out.” The Jinjin with glasses blinks and shrugs. The Jinjin with a scarf next to him throws his hands in the air and falls to his knees dramatically.

“You and me both,” Jinjin huffs at his reflection and looks despondently around.

There is a laugh. “Need some help?”

Jinjin whirls around. All he can see in all directions are himself – where did that voice come from?

“What– who?”

There is another bright giggle, all sunshine and delight.

“I run the maze, I can help you get out,” the voice offers, smile evident.

Jinjin scowls. “Is it always this difficult to exit?” At this rate, Bin might already be in that long line for those churros they spotted before coming in.

“Look, he’s cute even when he’s scowling,” the voice sighs dreamily. “Maybe I should help.”

Jinjin blinks. Cute?

A light blinks on somewhere overhead to Jinjin’s right, and he forgets about the voice’s words as he hurries towards it. The mirror with a Jinjin twice his height swings open, and he pushes through into a room nearly identical to the one he just left.

“I don't normally help patrons in getting out of my maze, but that’s because nobody’s gotten lost in here before,” the voice muses.

Jinjin huffs and looks carefully at all his reflections. The Jinjin slurping pasta looks up from his bowl just as Jinjin places a finger on his mirror to push through to the next room. “Are you sure? It seems harder than that.”

The voice sulks, “Of course I’m sure. I run this place, remember? Everyone makes it out in relatively little time. You’re the only one that’s taken more than ten minutes to clear the first half of the maze, so I thought I’d step in.”

Jinjin squints at a reflection sipping coffee and decides that it is not the right choice. “You calling me slow?” he calls out, tentatively pressing a finger to the Jinjin bopping along to music. It stays closed.

The voice sighs, and a light comes on above the Jinjin sipping coffee. “It’s okay. You’re cute enough that being slow won’t matter.”

“You’d help anyone cute?” Jinjin mumbles distractedly, stepping past his coffee-loving reflection. The exit’s close; he can hear vague chatter coming from outside the tent.

The voice hums for a while before answering, “Like I said, nobody’s needed help before. But,” it adds as the Jinjin in a cap looks up at the blinking light above his head, “I do expect some compensation for helping you.”

Jinjin looks up too. “Compensation?”

“Get hot chocolate with me,” the voice offers, just as Jinjin reaches the exit.

Jinjin pauses, hand on the mirror leading outside. He doesn’t know who this voice belongs to – all he knows is that it is male (?), that it owns the mirror maze and that it, for some reason, enjoys helping cute people. Or people who can’t make their way out of its maze alone, Jinjin amends lamely.

Still, if the owner of the voice is an employee of the circus, it wouldn’t do that much harm to meet it, would it? If anything, making more friends in the circus might help Bin find out who his opponent is.

Jinjin sighs and looks up at the ceiling once again. “Sure, why not?”

There is a bright laugh and an echo of someone clapping delightedly. “Great! See you outside!”

The mirror swings open and Jinjin steps out into the brightly lit circus, ambient chattering and and buttery scents resuming full strength. He looks around, but he has no idea where Bin is – Bin’s probably wandered off in search of either Rocky or food, Jinjin muses. Most likely the latter.

There is a small white blur beside him, and Jinjin turns to greet it. It is a boy about his height, with messy bangs, large, curious eyes and mouth already quirked up in a smile. He is bundled up in a large white coat that nearly reaches his ankles, and it gives off the vague impression of the boy being a marshmallow.

“Sorry I’m late! I had to go swap the sign at the maze entrance. My name’s MJ, what’s yours?”

Jinjin is too startled to reply; he was expecting an old man for some strange reason, even though the voice clearly belonged to a young person.  

The boy’s eyes brush over Jinjin once, twice, before meeting Jinjin’s gaze.

“You’re my height,” the boy says, eyes crinkling up in delight. “Fantastic.”

wow remember when i said this was going to be a binu au yet myungjin came to attack me first asjdfhasjd

[charlinert]

As Easy as Falling 18/?

New Chapter of As Easy As Falling….

Just want to do a special congratulations to my best friend in the world and beta @lgtwinkie99 (Leona), with the birth of their son, Joey, yesterday. He’s such a beautiful little boy! Please send her some well wishes xxx Then also a HUGE thank you to @miriam1779 for helping me beta my chapter while Leona tends to Joey. You’re such an incredible friend!!!

Summary:  Felicity Smoak had everything figured out until tragic news causes her to rethink her life. As part of dealing with tragedy she embraces her adventurous side in the form of skydiving. Will love be waiting for her between the clouds or will she let tragedy keep her away from falling?

Read from the BEGINNING AO3

***************

CHAPTER 18

Her stomach is in knots looking around the room she will be seeing a lot of in the foreseeable future. It doesn’t necessary smell like a hospital but she doesn’t know if it’s the white bedding and pale curtains or just the fact that the beeping heart monitor that’s attached to her, making the same monotonous sound for the last ten minutes, that’s creeping her out more.

Today is her first treatment and the person she wanted there more than anything else in the world couldn’t be there.

Oliver couldn’t get off work. Turns out that being the heir to a multi-billion empire and withdrawing yourself from your family puts you into a ‘earn your living like everybody else’ category. She’s sure Dig would have given him the day off, but the customers already booked their sessions in advanced and asked for Oliver specifically, so out of loyalty and obligation he decided to go into work, although she knows he wants to be with her very badly.

She’s disappointed, but she has to make peace with it today and though she can hear her heart rate accelerating, her biggest cheerleader decides to take care of her today…Donna Smoak.

She loves her mom and though they don’t necessarily have the conventional ‘mother-daughter relationship’, her mom would move heaven and earth to look after her and make sure she’s taken care of. That’s why her mom decided to move closer to Felicity’s house…the apartment block right across from hers to be exact.

She wants to hyperventilate about the overbearingness of her mother, but in the same breath it’s comforting to know that her mom wants the best for her, that her mom loves her.

Shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer and spending time with little Sara Diggle, she found herself thinking and even wanting to be able to have a little person who could call her ‘mom’ one day. Looking at her own mother, she only hoped that she could be half the mother that Donna Smoak, even with all her eccentricities, has always been to her…but for now, she’s made peace with the fact that it’s never going to happen. She can’t bring herself to think passed each day, her focus needs to be on her health now, and the possibility that there still might be a chance that this treatment will not work scares her.

A nurse comes into the room and does a check of all her vitals. She’s been lying with an IV feed in her arm, receiving some medication for possible nausea and a little something to help her calm down a bit…not that she can feel herself calming down right now.

“Sweetie, I got you a magazine to read if you feel up to it. Dr. Isaacs says you’ll have to lie here for at least 90 minutes before we can take you home.” her mother starts the conversation before even fully entering the room.

“Thank you mom.” is all she answers. Her emotions are all over the place and even though her mom acts very brave at the moment, she’s sure the magazine is more a distraction for her mother’s benefit than her own.

Donna moves over to Felicity on the bed, careful not to be in the way of the nurse still doing cross checks. She doesn’t say anything, but it’s all displayed in her eyes. Her mother is terrified.

“Dr. Isaacs will be in shortly Miss Smoak. All your vitals look great, we can start the treatment now.” the nurse says, giving Felicity’s hand a little squeeze.

Felicity merely nods and the nurse takes that as her queue to leave, leaving them both with a deafening silence as they both work through the mass amounts of thoughts running through the minds.

It’s a mere five minutes before Dr. Isaacs and the nurse returns. The nurse sets up the new plastic bag onto the IV already in Felicity’s arm. She immediately feels the blood drown from her face realising what’s about to happen.

“Alright Miss Smoak. This first cycle will take about an hour. However, I don’t want you to get up for at least 30 minutes after we have removed the IV. It’s just a precaution.” Dr. Isaacs explains.

“Will she be sick immediately?” Donna asks.

“No, not immediately, but we have given your daughter some articles and other material to read about the side effects that can be expected from the treatment.”

“Okay, but I’m looking after her and I just want to know what’s going on.” she explains.

“I understand that Miss Smoak. You’re welcome to accompany the nurse to get the same material, so you can be up to speed.” he suggests.

All Felicity can hear are the voices of her mother bombarding Dr. Isaacs with question after question and she can see that the man is getting a bit annoyed by this. The last thing she wants in this current situation is her mother stressing her out more.

“Miss Smoak, maybe it would be a good idea to rather wait for your daughter in the waiting area?” she senses Dr. Isaacs picking up on her sudden discomfort and thanks Google for someone suggesting this instead of her. She doesn’t want to seem ungrateful towards her mother’s presence.

“Oh.” Donna replies and then there’s a short space of silence. She can see the wheels of her mother’s brain turning for a better response. “If I’m really really quiet, can I stay?”

Felicity wants to roll her eyes at the response, but when Dr. Isaacs chuckles it makes her feel more at ease.

“We don’t really allow anyone in the room with the patients Miss Smoak, so I think it might be good to go with the nurse to get the information we talked about and visit the cafeteria for a nice cup of coffee. I’m sure you’ll see that the time will fly by. You can come in again after the hour is passed.” Dr. Isaacs’s voice is commanding and she knows now that he’s making up new rules as they go along…only for Donna Smoak and she cannot help but smile.

“I’ll be okay mom. You take the magazine, it might be good for you to read it while you’re waiting. I think I’ll try to catch up on some lost sleep.” she lies to keep her mother happy, there’s absolutely no way that she’ll be able to sleep with this needle in her arm and again wishes Oliver were there.

“Alright hon, as long as you’re sure.” her mother replies, her voice coated with concern, but she picks up her handbag on the nightstand and reaches for a blanket next to it.

“I brought you a blanket from home…thought it would make you feel more at ease having something familiar with you.”

Tears sting at the back of her eyes, but she doesn’t dare let them fall.

Her mother gives her a kiss on her forehead, tightly holding her hand, “I’ll see you in an hour baby girl.” and leaves without a second glance.

Felicity takes a deep breath, trying her utmost to calm her nerves when the door shuts, leaving  her alone with the medical personnel.

“Okay Felicity, I’m opening the drip now. The emergency button is right here next to your bed. If you need any help, please press the button and we’ll be here within seconds.” Dr. Isaacs explains and gives her a faint smile.

“Thank you, I will.” she says and prepares herself for what’s to come.

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

He can’t get out of his gear fast enough. It’s not that free falling is a slow thing anyways, but hanging in the sky, watching his watch every five minutes thinking about Felicity, makes him want to get to her even faster that falling out of a plane.

Went well. Heading home now with my mom. Feeling very tired. Missing you though

-Felicity

His phone buzzed right before the plane took off with this last customer for the day receiving a text from Felicity. He could breathe a little after that but he knows himself. There’s nothing that will put him fully at ease than to see she’s okay for himself.

He breaks possibly every traffic law there is and reaches her home within a few minutes. He’s never been to her house before, and the thought thrills him, but scares him at the same time. He’s fallen hard for this woman, he loves her, but he has no idea what to make of that.

He wants to tell her, but the risk is there that she’ll think he’s only saying that because she’s dying and then he might lose her, it might make things awkward…the only way to make this work for now is to be what she wanted from the start – a friend.

He knocks on the door and is confused by the blonde woman who opens it. He first thinks it might be the wrong apartment and steps back from the door looking at the number displayed on the side of the wall, proving to him that it is in fact the right house.

“Hi, may I help you?” the blonde greets still standing on the inside of the door.

“Oh, yes, I’m looking for Felicity Smoak’s apartment...is thi…” he starts only to be cut off by the stranger staring back at him.

“Then you’re in the right place. I’m Felicity’s mother.”

And then it dawns on him. She must have stayed with Felicity. “Hi Mrs. Smoak, I’m Oliver…”

“Queen. Yes, I know who you are Mr. Queen, Felicity’s told me so much about you.” she interrupts him again, stretching forth her hand to greet him.

He chuckles at the picture in front of him. He doesn’t know if he’s seen anyone with a smile so huge. If her ears weren’t in the way, the smile would probably go around her head.

“Please call me Oliver Mrs. Smoak. I am after all a friend of Felicity’s.” he takes her outstretched hand and shakes it.

“Then I must insist you call me Donna. And also, I’m not a missus, I’m a miss.  After Felicity’s dad left I changed my name back to my maiden name and in the process Felicity’s too.”

“Well it’s great to meet you Donna. Is Felicity here?” he looks around when she lets him inside.

The inside of the house screams Felicity Smoak. Bright colours, open but yet cozy, a perfect reflection of who this woman is.

“Yes she is honey, but she’s asleep. Dr. Isaacs said that it’s one of the many side effects she can experience.” Donna explains and gestures for Oliver to have a seat on the couch.

Oliver nods in response to the explanation, wondering if she’s experienced any other symptoms too. Donna in return senses the underlying question and adds, “Dr. Isaacs said her vitals looked good after the treatment and that they are very happy with the way her body reacted. She hasn’t experienced nausea or any other side effects as of yet, just the fatigue.”

“That’s good news.” he says, but his throat is constricting his voice from coming out completely.

“Thank you for doing this for her Oliver. You barely know my baby, but I want to tell you how grateful I am that you’re in her life and that you got her into this trial. I have not words to say thank you enough.”

“I couldn’t just leave her without hope. Your daughter is something else Donna.” at the confession his face cannot hide the shy smile, displaying his feelings in all its glory. “She’s very important to me.”

She looks at him for a while, not a word is uttered for a few moments, but just like with Felicity, the instant communication is there. He can understand where Felicity gets a lot of her mannerisms from – their personalities might be very different, but he wonders if Felicity actually realises how much a like they are.

Their silence is broken when Donna’s phone beeps and she gets up from her seat to check on her phone.

“Oliver, I’m sorry to do this to you, but do you think you can maybe stay here with Felicity for a few hours? They are short staffed at the Star Casino and my boss just asked me to help out with the late night shift.”

“Sure.” he says trying not to sound too excited about this arrangement. “It’s no problem at all.”

“I’ll be back first thing in the morning to take over again.”

“She’ll be in good hands Donna.” he assures her.

Donna nods and gathers her things from the counter and makes her way towards the door. She opens it ready to walk out when she stops and turns towards Oliver.

“You’re in love with her aren’t you?”

In an instant he’s floored by the question, but he cannot deny it, although he doesn’t say anything, she can see the answer in his eyes.

“She might not be willing to admit it to herself yet or anyone else for that matter, but I know my daughter Oliver, and from what I’ve seen, she’s in love with you too.” she smiles and leaves.

It takes a few moments before he registers where he is and closes the door while the words of Donna still swim around in his head.

Thank you to everyone who’s supporting this fic by reading and commenting and liking and such! You guys are truly awesome!!!

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[mrjoshuabishop-blog]

NA LCS: The fall of FlyQuest

In my Week 4 rundown of the North American League Championship Series (NA LCS), I argued that the veteran team, FlyQuest, was the worst team in the league. After some generous feedback on Reddit (thank you, Reddit!), I’ve decided to dive back into the writing to see what the numbers truly reveal about FlyQuest’s nightmarish summer slump.

I will mainly be using these incredibly detailed stats found right here at OraclesElixir. If you’d like to follow along with me or take a view at why your favorite team is doing well, why your team isn’t playing up to par, or just to take a look at who the league leaders are, feel free to click the link and see the numbers for yourself! So, without further ado, let’s take a deeper look at the numbers!

We’ll start with the simple numbers: Kills, deaths, and assists. These are numbers that we can equate to acting like yards and touchdowns in the NFL, points scored in the NBA, number of hits at-bat in the MLB, and so on and so forth. Why? Because these numbers, while a strong reflection of individual performance, may not directly correlate with a team’s success. A team’s success in League of Legends goes much further than who’s got the best KDA – a sentiment I’m sure fellow solo queue players can share in contrast to the LCS.

Player [Position]: Kills (Rank by lane position)/Deaths (Rank by lane position)/Assists (Rank by lane position) / KDA (Rank by lane position)

Balls [Top]: 43 (5th) / 70 (1st) / 86 (8th) / 1.8 (11th)

Moon [Jungle]: 44 (7th) / 63 (2nd) / 106 (6th) / 2.4 (11th)

Hai [Mid]: 61 (8th) / 74 (1st) / 88 (7th) / 2.0 (11th)

WildTurtle [AD Carry]: 53 (8th) / 60 (1st) / 79 (8th) / 2.3 (10th)

LemonNation [Support]: 20 (2nd) / 66 (3rd) / 108 (8th) / 1.9 (12th)

Total combined K/D ranked amongst all 10 NA LCS teams: 221 (8th) / 333 (1st) / 0.66 (10th)

The first thing you’ll see right off the bat is that FlyQuest are getting killed a LOT. Some of this can be from overly aggressive playcalls that don’t work out in FlyQuest’s favor (such as this botched fight around the 12:50 – 13:00 in-game time in FlyQuest’s third game against Team Envy from Sunday) while some of this can be from poor decision making or ill-advised rotations. Does this mean FlyQuest need to be more passive to insure more success? No, not exactly. Counter Logic Gaming has been one of the most aggressive teams in the league this split, ranking first in total kills and second in total deaths, and are currently tied for 2nd place with Team Solo Mid at 6-2. But in the linked clip above, you’ll see that FlyQuest had a great play in mind that looked solid on paper. If Renekton’s Slice and Dice is unavailable, Ziggs secures the kill thanks to Jarvan IV’s well-timed Cataclysm. If this happens, Ziggs can logically move in to continue raining damage down on Varus and Braum. Instead, Renekton simply E’s out of the pit and moves in to stun and kill Ziggs, a sitting duck by the time Lee Sin joins the fight. From that point, it all goes downhill for FlyQuest. (By the way, if the NA coaches haven’t figured it out by now, let this game against FlyQuest be the defining example why you don’t allow Lira to play Lee Sin.)

If the play worked out as intended, FlyQuest probably continues the momentum to a 2-1 victory and we’re potentially gearing up for a competitive second half of summer split. Instead, we’re wondering what in the world happened to this promising squad and why everything has gone so wrong so soon.

So, we know FlyQuest is dying a lot and aren’t racking up a lot of kills. If you went off these numbers, FlyQuest individually are among the worst in the league at their positions. But there’s more to the game than who’s dying and who’s doing the killing. After all, high-level League of Legends isn’t anything close to Call of Duty, so there’s definitely more to this than meets the eye here. To take a deeper dive into the players individually, we’ll have to break down more of their advanced stats, such as DPM (Damage Per Minute), GD10(Gold Difference at 10:00), and DMG% (Damage Share – how much percentage of the team’s total damage is one player is responsible for?). There’s a vast amount of information to run through here, so I’ll pick a few things that catch my eye and expand my view on what I think they say about the player.

Let’s start with FlyQuest’s top lane. A sentiment I shared with Aidan “Zirene” Moon during yesterday’s LCS broadcast was that An “Balls” Le has been FlyQuest’s most consistent player. I personally argued that Balls has earned more mileage on that front. That suggestion looks reasonable on paper when taking his spring numbers into account, especially given that his champion pool mainly consisted of tanks such as Maokai, Nautilus, and Shen. The spring numbers show that although Balls is far from the player he was in years past, he still turned out to be a serviceable, if unspectacular, top laner. This would only be a problem if FlyQuest were deliberately trying to funnel resources into Balls and relying on him to carry games, but his GOLD% (Average share of team gold), EGPM (Earned Gold Per Minute), and DMG% were among the lowest during spring – which should be expected from someone who played a majority of top lane tanks.

So what’s the problem in summer? A quick look at Balls’s current champions played in summer shows mostly carries or bruisers, and only one of those champions – his signature Rumble – has something resembling passable numbers. Perhaps the meta doesn’t suit Balls’s strength as a tank player. But it certainly doesn’t help FlyQuest’s dire situation. Balls is in the bottom five for DPM (363) and has the worst DMG% (18.7%). Even worse is that Balls is regularly down in gold with the worst EGPM (226.1) and the worst GD10 (-199), meaning he is in no position to help his team carry out of the top lane. Maybe the simple solution is to put Balls back on low-economy tanks and only require him to pick the odd carry once in a blue moon. But would this really fix FlyQuest’s problem at its source or make things worse? Put yourself in the coach’s shoes and think to yourself: “Do I stand to benefit from limiting Balls’s champion pool? Maybe so, but wouldn’t teams just ban out the meta tanks and force me to put Balls on a carry? Haven’t I seen this happen before at the first Mid-Season Invitational when teams pulled this exact strategy against Team Solo Mid during Dyrus’s final season? If not, who steps up for the team?”

Well, why don’t we judge by the numbers?

You may think Hai Lam is past his prime and should rightly sit as one of the worst mid laners in the NA LCS. What you’d be surprised to see is that Hai is actually very capable of handling himself against the stacked competition. Currently, Hai is in the top five for DPM (543), DMG% (28.9), GD10 (-16), GOLD% (24), and first blood rate (21). And he’s doing all of this while having the fourth lowest EGPM (255.2). When cross-referencing those numbers with his total K/D/A on the split, maybe Hai’s just been unlucky. Maybe some of those bold, gutsy calls he’s known for haven’t worked in his favor. As of right now, the numbers point in favor of Hai still being able to play mid lane at a high level. Even when you take his spring performance into account – he’s near the top of the leaderboards in several areas amongst all mid laners who played in spring – it’s insane to suggest that Hai is past his prime. It’s almost like Hai never left.

Maybe his own comparison to Brett Favre as Cloud9’s jungler during the 2015 summer split was appropriate after all; as a member of the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre proved he could still play football at a high level when surrounded by young, explosive talent such as Percy Harvin and Adrian Peterson. I believe the same could be true for Hai if the talent surrounding him was mechanically gifted, young, and motivated to make an impact on the LCS – three words I would use to describe FlyQuest’s jungler, Galen “Moon” Holgate.

Although Moon has more stage experience than you’d expect from a young player, take into consideration that this is only Moon’s third split as a full-time starter. His debut split with NRG Esports left a lot to be desired. He was routinely in the lower half of the league in almost every category amongst starting junglers. Take out the spot starters with less than 10 games and 2016 shows a player who wasn’t ready for the LCS. One year later, we see that Moon has made strides to improve. Some of the credit should go to FlyQuest’s veteran leadership, but let’s take a moment to appreciate some of the numbers Moon posted in spring.

2016 Spring- NRG Moon: 28 (8th) / 41 (5th) / 89 (8th); 2.9 KDA (6th), -240 GD10 (11th), 262 DPM (11th), 183.3 EGPM (11th) over 16 games

2017 Spring – FLY Moon: 158 (6th) / 105 (8th) / 240 (5th); 3.8 KDA (1st), 34 GD10 (5th), 336 DPM (7th), 225.1 EGPM (8th) over 43 games

The numbers will look skewed given that 2016’s LCS format was still under Best-of-1 rules, but the improvements can be found in the ranks. In spring, Moon was in reach of the top half of the league in almost every relevant stat. That’s a pretty big jump from year-to-year. If Moon could match those numbers in summer, he’d be a guaranteed league-average starter. Unfortunately, that’s not the case so far. Of junglers with at least 10 games played on the split, Moon has the lowest DPM (236), the third worst GD10 (-17), the second highest deaths (63), and the second worst EGPM (194.9). That’s not a good look for FlyQuest if its starting jungler isn’t able to lift the team’s performance up. Still, Moon deserves the benefit of the doubt after a solid spring. As the youngest player on FlyQuest’s starting roster, Moon deserves a fair shake to start the rest of the split and FlyQuest should trust Moon to shake off the cobwebs and get back on track.

For as much flack as Jason “WildTurtle” Tran receives for his positioning and ill-advised flashes, I still believe WildTurtle, like Hai, can help a good roster make a push for playoffs. He was far from the problem with Team Solo Mid’s disappointing finish at the 2017 Mid Season Invitational, he was still a good fit for TSM’s roster, and Peter “Doublelift” Yillang was the overall better option for TSM’s immediate future. All three of these things can be true. But no one can blame WildTurtle for wanting to be an unquestioned starter as he is in FlyQuest. As the AD carry of this squad, creep score and experience stats will provide more effective analysis here than they will for the other four positions. With every relevant stat in mind, WildTurtle is still far from the problem in FlyQuest. Among ADCs, he currently has the fifth best GD10 (49), fourth best XPD10 (91), sixth best CSD10 (0.2), second best CSPM with five other ADCs (9.0), and the fifth best DPM (516). He’s doing all of this with the fourth highest GOLD% at 24.7, slightly above Hai’s share in the mid lane.

The argument can be made that WildTurtle’s box score looks better than his tape. This is an argument worth making with the correct supporting evidence. But from a pure numbers perspective, WildTurtle is doing his job. He’s not the reason FlyQuest is 1-7 on the season. In other words, FlyQuest can do a lot worse than playing WildTurtle at ADC.

Supports are tough to judge based on the numbers. As the most macro intensive role in the game aside from jungling, reviewing the tape will say more about Daerek “LemonNation” Hart than the numbers will. But for the purpose of this article, we’ll use the limited information we can gather from the numbers to see where LemonNation sits on the season. There are positives to be found here. LemonNation has the highest DPM (268) and DMG% (13.6) among starting supports in the league. But with the worst KDA and the worst wards per minute (1.25), we can start to make an assumption from a pure numbers perspective. Taking a look at his champion pool on the season, we see that Zyra is his most played champion on the split. Zyra is a high-damage support, which explains his lead in average DPM. We can now assume with his high number in deaths and DPM that LemonNation typically goes for an aggressive play in an attempt to set up something for his team. Unfortunately, the aggression hasn’t paid off. One notable example I can immediately think of what happened in FlyQuest’s third game on Sunday against Team Envy, after the team fails to kill Seraph on an attempted pick. This point is where everything goes wrong for FlyQuest.

FlyQuest attempts to start a fight at Rift Herald around 15:23. Hai is immediately picked off by Lira in mid-rotation while Moon jumps the gun and is left to die against Apollo and Hakuho. At this point, LemonNation and WildTurtle should not be doing anything because the fight is over and the team can no longer contest Rift Herald. However, LemonNation makes the ill-advised decision to join the fight way too late with Tahm Kench’s Abyssal Voyage. WildTurtle goes along for the ride and it costs both members their lives. FlyQuest had the right idea to force the issue in the mid-game – their chances would be slim to none in the late-game with an assassin and an AP caster against Cassiopeia, Varus, and Braum due to their high damage and hard engage – but the execution was horrible. It’s almost as if FlyQuest decided to intentionally feed and throw the game when it wasn’t quite out of reach.

It’s true that the season is still far from over for this squad. But it’s going to take a superhuman effort to turn this squad around. Never count Hai out to pull off some more magic, but it’s hard to see this squad avoiding relegation, let alone making playoffs. The veteran instincts on this squad gave them their biggest edge, but just like Cloud9 a few years ago, it’s the biggest thing holding this squad back. FlyQuest could use some new blood in the ranks, particularly at top and support, while keeping their eyes on the future at mid and ADC. You never want to be ill-prepared in the event you avoid relegation or you believe you have a shot to make the playoffs. But if FlyQuest chooses to move forward with this roster, then the change has to begin with Balls, Moon, and LemonNation stepping up their play. Two of these players are arguably the worst at their position right now while one of these players’s bright spots get overlooked for his mid-game misfires.

After a magical start in spring, it’s amazing to see how far FlyQuest have fallen. If this doesn’t change now, FlyQuest fans will be in for a long season.

[ag-updates-and-archives]

photos.by_ky A night of Permanent Rebellion with @.lsdunes 🖤🖤🖤 truly a dream come true to photograph this iconic band!

posted july 24, 2023

[ag-updates-and-archives]

zspang Shot of @.frankieromustdie with @.lsdunes from Riot Fest! New album is dropping soon- these guys are sooo good!! Also-Happy belated birthday to this dude 🤘🏼

posted november 1, 2022