#ive been depressed please tell me what you're on

[magicalshopping]

The way you're not even Jewish and you support Israel in their genocide against Palestine. Freak behavior. Absolute weirdo shit.

The way you clearly don't go here but you've drawn that conclusion from... what? Absolute thin air? Do you think if you say a accusation enough it'll magically come true? Freak behavior. Absolute weirdo shit.

[you-call-it-a-dude]

Just Can't Hack It Pt.2

Pt.1

Request: so this is part two to a story. The original request was reader dealing with substance use. I had a few folks wanting another part and I was feeling inspired to add a second part so I did!

Pairings: Leighton Murray x female reader

Warnings: TW!!! I would say this one is more triggering than the first. Mentions of opioid use, accidental overdose, use of narcan/naloxone, difficult discussions around the topic of addiction, needles. This is a super heavy story. Read with caution, take a step back if it's not for you. I have many other stories you can check out if you want something more light hearted. Nobody dies, but it's a pretty realistic scenario about addiction/loving someone with addiction. Could be triggering in many ways, so please be aware.

Authors Note: here I go again adding more chapters to stories I've been saying imma leave as one shots lol. This story is super depressing, I'm so sorry. If you're into that tho, welcome lol. I apologize for my lack of posting. Ive had a lot of life changes happen recently and my mental health hasn't been the greatest (maybe writing this depressing ass chapter will help). I do want to clarify, I am not a drug user. Just a social worker that reads, does research lol. Thank you all for your patience, thank you so everyone that's read my other work while waiting for me to post again. I love you all. I love you for reading, for sharing opinions and engaging in discussions with me and I love you for existing. I hope you like this next chapter

**if you have any questions regarding Narcan/Naloxone, fentanyl test strips, or anything like that, feel free to reach out**

----

You woke up with a loud gasp, some random girl rubbing circles on your sternum. You rushed to sit forward, accidentally shoving her back.

The air was flowing back into your lungs and you felt like you couldn't get it in there quick enough. Your teeth were chattering and you were in that same fucking basement DJ died in.

You grab her wrist with shaky hands and she talked to you calmly, asking you if you were okay and all you could do was shake your head no. Your chest was heaving and it felt like you were inhaling razor blades or something.

What the fuck?

"Sit up slow." She tells you, helping you sit up and you notice her hands are also shaking. "You should probably go to the emergency room." She tells you and you're confused because you don't know why.

"Did something happen?" You ask, your throat dry. You cough to clear it and when you reach forward to grab a cup of whatever off the table, you see an oddly shaped object discarded on the table. You pick it up, your hands still shaking and you run your thumb over the pink 'Narcan' written on the label "Fuck." You whisper to yourself. "Fuck, did...?" You turn your attention to her and she kind of just shrugs.

"I'm not sure honestly. Maybe? But I didn't think it could hurt. You didn't look great, like at all."

You continue to stare down at the small nasal spray, your hands still shaking like never before. You blinked hard a few times, trying to wrap your head around everything.

"I'm so sorry." You apologized to this stranger for most likely traumatizing the fuck out of her.

"Do you have someone to call? You probably need to go to the emergency room." She ignored your apology and something about that made you feel like shit.

"Emergency room? What? That stuff worked. I'm fine." You say, tossing the bottle back onto the table.

"Yeah, but it wears off in like thirty minutes, more or less." She points out.

"Wears off?!" You ask in shock and she nods at you, looking at you like you were stupid.

"And I'm not using my other one on you so I suggest you go." She said with a slight attitude, no longer giving off that friendly vibe she had before. "And maybe get your own for next time, yeah?"

"Fine, Jesus." You say, no longer feeling as indebted to her the more bitchy she got toward you.

You take a few moments to gather yourself, still feeling not the greatest. The girl next to you that potentially saved your life was now injecting something between her toes and if that wasn't enough motivation to get the fuck up and go, you don't know what is.

You grab your things and thank her again. Unsurprisingly, she doesn't say anything back.

Your legs feel weak and shaky. Getting up the stairs and out of the house took way more effort than it should've. You hated this fucking place and you felt disgusting for even coming back.

Your intention was to take an Uber to the emergency room on campus, but when you checked your bank account you were almost certain a ride request wouldn't even go through.

You physically just felt too weak to stand so you sat on the curb, knowing you were going to have to call Leighton and just fucking hated yourself for it.

You pulled out the pills you had taken from your pocket and investigated them. You got them from Liza instead of your normal dealer. She told you they would be exactly the same pills you were used to buying from Angel, just less expensive. Your lack of funds sold you on them immediately. Except now that you actually took the time to study them, you realize they looked nothing like the other ones.

You had no idea what you took.

What you do know is you took two of them at once. It was less than what you normally would've taken. You can't even remember why you decided to only take two instead of your usual four, but clearly sober you was looking out.

Well...semi-sober you.

You called Leighton and it took three tries for her to answer. She was mad at you again because you bailed on her the other night on dinner plans that you made.

"Hello?" She finally answered. You could hear laughter in the background so you knew she was out with friends or out doing something and it made you feel even worse to ask her for help.

"Hi, Leight." You say softly, pushing your fingertips into your eyes trying to build up the courage to ask her. "Can you help me, please?"

"Help you?" She sounds concerned and you hear a door close behind her, all of the noise fading away. "What's going on?"

"I need-I need, fuck!" You try, the words feeling almost impossible to get out. "I need to go to the emergency room, I think." You finally get out, blinking hard to keep your brain working.

"Emergency room? What's going on? Where are you?"

"Please, Leighton. I'm at the blue house on the edge of campus. You know the one." You rub your palm against your forehead. "Can you please just come get me."

"Yeah. I know the one." Of course she did. Everyone knows the blue fucking house. It's literally nicknamed the druggie house on campus. There's only one reason people went there. Her voice sounded monotone and she was definitely connecting some dots. "I'm coming, I'm not far away." She hangs up on you before you can even tell her goodbye and you just feel her disappointment radiating through the phone.

It was less than ten minutes when you saw a familiar car pull up.

Leighton stepped out of the passenger side and as soon as the door closed, the window was rolling down to reveal Whitney in the drivers seat.

"Are you kidding me, Leighton." You complained as she rushed over to help you.

"Shut up." Whitney said from the driver's side, rolling her eyes at you.

"Fuck you!" You spat at her, letting Leighton help pull you to your feet.

"No, fuck you! What the hell is wrong with you?" You stayed silent because you didn't have an answer to her question. "That's what I fucking thought. Now get in the car."

Leighton sat in the back with you, letting you lay your head on her lap. She hasn't said a single word to you since she picked you up and you don't know if it was the drugs or the anxiety caused by her silence that was making your heart race the way it was.

Your body was sore and your head ached. You turned so you could bury your face in her sweater, inhaling the smell of her. She massaged your scalp, pulling you closer to her body.

Whitney dropped you both off at the front door and said to call her when you needed to be picked up. She sounded a lot nicer now, but she was also talking to Leighton.

You weren't feeling great at all and you definitely had the fear that whatever dosage that girl gave you was wearing off and you were going to die in the waiting room of this fucking hospital.

Leighton helped bring you to the front desk. You declined her offer of a wheelchair because something about that just felt degrading. Having to have her push you because of something you did to yourself?

Falling to the ground and crawling would be less embarrassing.

The woman at the desk greeted you and asked what was going on and you hesitated. Because even though Leighton probably figured shit out by now, you never said it out loud.

Saying it out loud would finally be admitting that you had a problem, which is why you've avoided it for so long.

"I-um-I-" both Leighton and the lady at the desk with the patience of a saint watch you fiddle nervously with the pen attached to a chain. "I am not feeling too great. I was given narcan maybe thirty minutes ago." You were blinking rapidly trying to get through your sentence, the fluorescent lighting and the pounding headache was making your brain short circuit.

The lady at the desk sat up quickly, asking you for your ID and insurance card, asking someone behind her to call for a nurse. You pulled your wallet from your pocket and Leighton had to help you pull the cards out because your hands were shaking and you just couldn't do it.

A male nurse appeared out of nowhere with a rolling blood pressure cuff and asked you to follow him to the triage area.

"What about my stuff?" You ask, letting this man escort you to a little area.

"I've got it, baby." Leighton said calmly, a few steps behind you, shoving your ID back into your wallet that she was still holding.

You sat down in a chair with your feet planted firmly on the floor like instructed and you felt like this firm wooden chair was consuming you.

He slipped the blood pressure cuff on your arm, the stethoscope planted firmly in the center of your arm. His eyes never left you while he asked you some questions.

"Do you know how many doses of the narcan you received?"

"Just one." You say and he nods.

"What did you take?" He asks, making eye contact with you and waiting for your response.

You swallowed and looked up at Leighton, who was waiting at you expectantly to answer.

"I don't know. It wasn't from my usual person. My friend that got it for me said it would be the same and it wasn't. I took less than what I normally would." You admit and it sounds embarrassing to even say something like that. You just hope he doesn't ask you-

"How much do you normally take? How much did you take of these?"

"Um, four to five 10mg Percocet. I only took two of these."

"Okay." He nods and the machine starts to beep. He removes the cuff from your arm and motions to someone behind you. "We are going to take you back now, okay? Your blood pressure is too low." He said while he and Leighton help you stand up and you were mortified to find them leading you to a wheelchair.

"Yeah, okay." You nod and when you sit you look back between Leighton and the nurse with a panicked expression. "Can she come back with me?"

"Of course." He takes hold of the wheelchair and takes you to a double door, pressing the button and leading you and Leighton through a maze of curtained rooms before bringing you to an open bed.

As soon as your butt hit that bed, two nurses were rushing in one was hooking you up to different machines and pulling down your shirt to stick electrodes on your chest to monitor your heart.

Before you could even process anything, your bed was being lowered and you were laying flat on your back and the second nurse was giving you a second dose of narcan up your nostrils while the first nurse finally explained to you and Leighton what the fuck was going on.

She said that narcan is usually done in two or more doses and that it often wears off before the effects of the pills do. That because you only received one dose, you were already showing the signs of the first dose wearing off and going into another potential overdose.

You didn't even have time to panic or freak out. They had the narcan up your nose and had you sitting back up like it never even happened. Leighton nodding with wide eyes from the chair next to you and trying to absorb what the nurse was saying.

You gripped the bridge of your nose and squinted your eyes while the nurse finished speaking, already starting to feel better.

"We are going to keep you here for a couple of hours just for monitoring." She rolls a little tray over to your bed that has a needle, test tubes, and a tourniquet. All the makings for getting your blood drawn. "We are required to do a toxicology screening on you, especially since you do not know what you took." She slips on a new pair of gloves. "These results will not be shared with the university." She reassured when she saw your face drop. "Arm out."

She cleaned your arm with an alcohol pad and tied the elastic tourniquet around your arm, pressing on your veins to find a vein. She inserts the needle in your arm and you watch the multiple vials fill up. She removes the tourniquet, has you hold a cotton ball where the needle went in and slaps a bandaid over it. She cleans up the area and says she'll be back shortly and walks out without saying another word.

Leighton had been silent the entire time. She was holding your things and sitting on the chair next to your bed watching the monitor with all off your vitals. Her eyes looked glassed over and you didn't know what to say or how to even begin to say it.

"Thanks for coming with me." You say pitifully and her eyes dart from the monitor to look over at you.

"I feel so stupid." She says, shaking her head. "Everything is like, making sense now, you know? The missed dates, the weird behavior, the angry outbursts." She nods her head, almost like she was agreeing with her own thoughts.

"I'm so sorry."

"And then you take shit that you don't even know what it is and- and you fucking overdose? What if you fucking died, Y/N?" She sounds so angry, but you can see she's on the verge of tears. You reach for her, touching her arm and she yanks herself away from you. "Don't fucking touch me."

"Then fucking go if you don't want to stay." You say, staring up at the ceiling, blinking back tears.

"Stop."

"I should've just let myself die on the curb of that stupid fucking house." You slammed your head against the pillow, the machines beeping like crazy for a brief moment.

"Can you just shut the fuck up with that self deprecating shit?" She spits, crossing her arms and legs.

She's very closed off and distant now. It almost felt like you could feel her distancing herself from you in real time. There's an awkward silence between the two of you and you reach for her.

"Leighton..."

"Mmmh mmmh." She shakes her head no, keeping her attention focused on her phone

"Baby." You try again and when her fingers pause over the phone screen you know you're getting somewhere. "Please, baby."

She rolls her eyes and sighs, giving you her attention.

"What."

"I'm really sorry." You say sincerely, playing with the edge of the flimsy hospital blanket.

"For...?" There was no hint of emotion to her voice. But in scenarios like this, Leighton was always good at shutting down and putting her walls up.

"For how I've been treating you. For a lot of things."

"If that's all you're going to say, that's a really shitty fucking apology."

"No! Of course that's not all. I-fuck. Okay. Just give me a second to collect my thoughts."

"Well, maybe if you weren't high on god knows what you'd be able to give me a less pathetic apology."

Maybe it was your high wearing off, maybe it was just the drugs in general, but man for the briefest moment you wanted to cuss her out.

You clench your jaw and exhale through your nose in an attempt to remain calm.

"If you let me fucking finish talking maybe you'll be more than the pathetic apology." You say through gritted teeth and she just raises her eyebrows at you expectantly. "I fucked up, okay? I know that. I didn't mean for it to get this bad." You admit and she tilts her head, her gaze visibly softening.

"What do you mean?" She scoots the hospital chair closer to your bed.

"I got the meds originally when I messed up my knee. It freaked me out about if I would get to play again or not. When I got back into it, it was great, but I fucking sucked and there was this insane amount of pressure to be as good as I was before my injury. There still is that pressure. My knee just felt tight all the time. Like it was about to snap at any moment. I did the physical therapy, the ice baths, I did everything. Well, everything but admit that maybe it's just straight up fucked." You look down and begin to pick at on your fingertips. Leighton reaches forward to stop you and instead you press your thumb against one of her manicured nails, enjoying the feeling of the pinpricking pressure against your fingertip.

"Keep going, baby." She encourages softly and you could feel yourself relax.

"I refilled my final prescription for my meds right before I started playing again. I would ration the bottle and take them after games and stuff. Then I took them during a game and realized I could play pretty damn good and my leg felt fantastic. Well, until afterwards when it felt worse than ever. Turns out if you take meds to prevent pain, it's really difficult to gauge when you're pushing yourself too far. So I would take some meds before the game, during the game, then again after the games..." Leighton opens her mouth to speak, but you continue with your thought. "...And then one or two more before bed."

"Jesus Christ, Y/N." She says, sounding both shocked and horrified. "I don't even...how long-how many? I don't know! I'm trying not to ask my question without sounding like a dick." She admits and looks to you for some guidance.

You don't know her exact question, but you can guess where she was going with it.

"It was supposed to be refill that lasted three months and finished it in like a month. Maybe a month in a half if I want to be generous. They were a low-ish doses, so I would take more."

"How many were you supposed to take a day? How many did you take?" She asked her questions in a quick succession.

"I was supposed to take one, max two, a day." She nodded and raised her eyebrows expectantly. "I was taking like four to six."

"I-what?! You know what," she takes a deep breath to calm herself down. "Let me approach this in a non-judgmental way. I just, I really want to know what happened to escalate the situation and bring us where we are now." She squeezes your hand reassuringly.

"So my prescription runs out and I find a connect when I go to one of the parties at the blue house. I got pills from him for a while, but you would not believe how expensive opioids are." You tried to joke, only when you looked up to see Leighton was not laughing, not even cracking a smile, you quickly cleared your throat and got serious. "After DJ died in the house, I starting using more and it was just getting more expe-"

"Wait what? The guy that overdosed in the house, you were his friend?"

"I, well, yes. But I was also...there. I called the ambulance when I found him." You could feel everything else coming out like word vomit. "I introduced him to Liza, who introduced him to drugs." You clenched your jaw, trying to swallow down the breakdown you've been keeping at bay for over a month now. "I killed him, Leighton. It's my fault he's dead." You look up at her tearfully and when Leighton frowns and calls you 'baby', you fucking lose it.

She stands up and pulls your face from your hands. The machines attached to you are beeping rapidly for who knows what fucking reason and it was pissing you off.

"Get these off of me." You say mid sob, attempting to pull the electrodes of your chest, yanking at the wires and your shirt blindly. "Get these fucking off!"

Leighton was fighting your arms at this point, doing her best to keep your arms still. Your brain could comprehend that you were smacking her unintentionally, hitting her arms, her hands, and her chest. You felt like your body was stuck between fight and flight right now. You felt out of control in every aspect, mentally and physically. You wanted to stop, you wanted to calm down, you just literally could not.

Within seconds two nurses came in and Leighton held your arms until one of the nurses took her place. Her absence felt more upsetting and agitating, so you attempted to reach for her. Your throat felt raw from crying and now you were screaming for Leighton, begging her to help you.

You gripped a nurses arm tightly, your face smushed against her scrubs while you watched Leighton's horrified expression as the two nurses turned you on your side. One of them pulled your pants down on one side and inject a tranquilizer into your ass cheek.

You gasped and squeezed the nurses arm, mortified about what happened and that it happened in front of Leighton. You were also both shocked and impressed at how quickly your heart rate was going down.

You also felt absolutely terrible for the tears and snot you were getting on this poor nurse's scrubs. Going back and forth between pitifully apologizing to her and to Leighton while the meds kicked in.

You could feel your arms getting heavy and the nurses began to lay you on your back again. The one you were gripping for dear life was covering you with a blanket and you can over hear the one that injected your ass trying to talk Leighton through what she just witnessed.

Something about it being normal behavior when coming off a lot of drugs so suddenly. You don't fucking know.

What you do know is Leighton looked pale and traumatized and that it was absolutely your fucking fault.

You reached for her. Desperately trying to tell her that you loved her. That you're in love with her and that you were so fucking sorry.

She looked at you confused, holding your hand and telling you she couldn't understand what you were saying. You could feel yourself getting riled up mentally, but your body felt stuck. Like gum to the bottom of a fucking shoe you were stuck and locked into this bed.

The nurses left and she pulled her chair close to your bed again, her hand never letting go of yours while she did. She sat in front of you, calling you baby, pushing hair from your face, and telling you that it was okay and to just close your eyes for a little bit.

You moaned and whined, tears sliding down your cheeks. They matched the ones streaming down Leighton's and you wanted you kiss them away. Instead she wiped your tears and begged you not to cry, her lips pressed against the side of your head.

You closed your eyes, Leighton's lips against your temple while she whispered calming things in your ear.

---

You woke up confused. You had a hospital gown on over your shirt and pants, and you were also pretty sure you were in a different room.

"Water?" You croak, your mouth dryer than nothing you have ever experienced before.

"Here." Came a voice next to you that was most definitely not Leighton.

You turn your head to the side to see Whitney holding a styrofoam cup with a straw and you push yourself to sit up straight, blinking and wiping away the dried up tears and sleep gunk from your eyes.

You hesitate at first, but you take the cup from her. You drink the cool ice water down like your life depended on it.

"Thank you." You tell her when you finished drinking, breathing heavily like a toddler after they downed some juice. You look around the room for any signs of Leighton, finding none. You try not to panic, but the machine measuring your hate rate gives you away.

"She'll be back. I sent her home a bit ago to change into different clothes and get something to eat." Whitney informs you, setting the water on the little table. She stands up and goes to the sink, wetting a small stack of those thin paper towels with warm water and wiping your face and mouth. You could feel your dried spit and snot come off with ease. You closed your eyes while she wiped your face, too tired to feel embarrassed. "Better?" She asks you, patting your face with a dry paper towel when she was done.

You nod your head yes, settling further into the bed.

"How long was I out?" You stare at the analog clock on the wall, but it doesn't help much since you didn't even know the time you came in or were knocked out at.

"Maybe seven hours? It's been a while. They said it could range from like six to twelve hours." You nod, staring at your covered feet. You can feel yourself checking out mentally, but Whitney talking again brings you back to earth. "Leighton filled me in, I hope that's okay."

"Mhmm, yeah." You shrugged and nodded, trying to hide your shame over the fact that another person knows this about you now.

"Why didn't you say anything to anyone?" She was soft with her approach, but there was a thin layer of assertiveness underneath.

"Well, Whitney, the thing about having a drug problem is you don't really fucking realize you have a drug problem until you end up in a hospital and get a needle shoved into your ass cheek. Or, maybe it's when a girl that injects meth between her toes gets pissy for using her Narcan on you. Gee, I just can't decide." You say sarcastically and Whitney's face hardens slightly.

"Okay, I get it." She says defensively, sitting back in the chair to lean away from you. You sigh and attempt to run a hand through your hair, but it's all matted and sweaty.

"Sorry, I'm sorry." You say quietly. "I thought I had a handle on it, okay? I didn't think it was a problem." You admit, nodding your head as you thought to yourself. "Clearly." You vaguely gesture to yourself laid up in a hospital bed and Whitney nods.

"Everything is starting to make sense though. Your behaviors, your angry outbursts, the way you treated Leighton."

You wince at that last one. You treated her horribly the last like eight months and you knew that.

It was such a weird feeling. To love someone so deeply and be unable to stop yourself from absolutely wrecking them and treating them like shit.

"Yeah, I've been told already things are adding up. Glad I could provide some clarity." You give her a tight lipped smile and a weak thumbs up.

"You're awake!"

You look up to see Leighton coming into the room, a little visitor badge pinned to her hoodie. You nod, looking up at her with a smile. Your eyes start to water, something about seeing her just hitting you with the overwhelming urge to cry because you were so fucking happy she came back.

You open your arms for her and she sets her purse down to rush to your side and give you a hug. You wrap your arms around her and hold her tightly, pressing your lips wherever you could.

A knock at the door caused her to pull away. She took the extra seat on the other side of your bed as the doctor came in and greeted you, washing his hands.

He did an overall exam on you. Checked your mouth, your eyes, listening to your heart and lungs. He pulled his stool up to your bed and rested a folder of paperwork by your feet.

"So, we got your blood results back. It's routine to drug test in these situations. The school will not be informed of the results." He reassured you like the nurse did previously. "Now," he opens the packet of papers to a specific page where numbers are highlighted. "You have a decent amount in your system. I'm sure that's something you're aware of." You nod and he continues. "We do not think you overdosed on the pills themselves. Not to say that means you should go out and keep slamming them back."

The three of you made a face at him, unsure if his comment was meant to lighten the mood or if he was just a dick.

"So what's the problem then?" Whitney speaks up and he clears his throat.

"Well, you have a dangerous amount of fentanyl in your system. Whatever you took was most likely laced. Had you taken the four pills you said you normally took, you would probably be dead. Here are some packets about fentanyl as well as some inpatient and outpatient treatments for opioid addiction, and some information about methadone." He sets about five pamphlets in the open space between your legs and stands up, pushing his chair back in. "The nurse is going to come in with your discharge paperwork. Schedule an appointment with your PCP. Have a good day ladies." He sanitizes his hands and leaves the room, leaving the three of you looking confused and dumbfounded.

"That was it?" Leighton asks after he leaves, clearly frustrated. She reaches forward and grabs the pamphlets off your legs and thumbs through them furiously. "You almost fucking die apparently and that's it? You go the fuck home? What the fuck."

"Leighton, please stop." You say calmly, but she was pacing the room now while she read.

"This methadone seems good. I can call my dad and get you into a good rehab. Inpatient or out." She says while reading through the pamphlets and you start feeling overwhelmed.

Of course you wanted to be better and to stop taking the pills.

But the thought of actually doing it scared the shit out of you.

"Can I please just go home first and figure this out later?" You ask, scratching your eyebrow.

"Yes," Whitney says and looks up and Leighton sternly. "Yes, you can." She says, answering for Leighton.

"I have one request." Leighton says, shoving the pamphlets into her purse before sitting at the edge of your bed. "Please stay with us for a bit. A few days, a week. However long. Just please do it, okay?"

You nodded your head. You knew you scared her, no, fucking traumatized her. She was looking at you right now like she wanted to cry. Like if you told her no she would probably burst into tears.

You couldn't tell her no. You couldn't do this to her again. You definitely couldn't do anything to risk losing her.

"Yes, I'll stay with you. Can I stop at my room at get some clothes?"

"Absolutely. Can I go in with you when you do?"

You hesitated. You thought about the state of your side of the room. You definitely weren't as clean as you used to be. You most definitely had been slacking on doing your laundry and the thought of her going in there and seeing your gross, crusty underwear made you want to flip.

You still agreed though and she kissed your cheek. She went to kiss your lips and you turned your head.

"My mouth feels disgusting. More kissing later?"

"Deal." She nods, sneaking a quick peck onto your lips anyway.

There was a knock on the door and a nurse stepped in holding some paperwork.

"Alrighty, Y/N. Let's get you outta here, hun."

---

You rushed into your dorm, quickly picking up dirty clothes from the floor and tossing them in your hamper, picking up trash and shoving it aside.

"Sorry, I'm sorry." You apologize profusely for the state of your room.

"No, don't. It's okay." Leighton says, taking in the space.

She hadn't been allowed into your room for a while. Usually when she would come over it would be spotless and smell like air fresher. It was a complete 180 from what she was used to.

You could almost see her absorbing in the gravity of your addiction. As if almost OD'ing on laced pills, blowing off her dates, and having frequent mood swings weren't enough. She was getting a first hand view of how little you had been taking care of yourself because of it.

Something about that felt more shameful than anything. You felt vulnerable and exposed. You had been caught putting on a show and now all the curtains were being pulled back to expose the complex layers of your addiction. Exposing problems that you didn't even realize were becoming problems until someone you love is watching you scramble to clean it up.

"I just need to get some clean clothes." You say, opening your drawers and finding them to be pretty bare. "Fuck." You whisper to yourself.

"Why don't you bring some dirty clothes with you and we can do laundry at my dorm. Okay, baby?"

"Um, y-yeah." You blink hard, slamming your drawer shut. You open another and are thankful to find a handful of clean underwear. You pull them out and shove them into the bag Leighton had set on your bed. "Can you get me some shirts from my closet? I'll gather my dirty clothes."

"Of course." She turns around to look through your closet.

You grabbed a garbage bag and began picking clothes off the floor, plucking clothes from your hamper and other various surfaces around the room, shoving them into the trash bag. When a bunch of change falls out of one of your pockets you sigh, going back into the bag and digging through the pockets of any pants and shorts you shoved in there to make sure those were empty before you continued.

You picked up a pair of sweatpants, digging your hand into the pocket and freezing when you felt something sharp-ish poke your fingertips.

It was almost like you could hear angels singing when you pull the item from your pocket. A small baggie with three little blue pills in it. Three pills that you most definitely recognized and knew they would be safe. You traced your thumb over them, licking your lips.

"Do you want this sweater, babe?" Leighton asks from the closet behind you and you briefly turn around to face her.

"Yes, that's perfect, baby." You tell her. You weren't even looking at the sweater.

You had look at her face. Feeling guilty about everything that went down. Feeling guilty about all the time and energy she was probably going to put in to taking care of you.

You knew the best thing to do right now would be to hand the pills over. It would be the responsible thing.

You wanted to be responsible.

You grip the small baggie in your hand tightly and scratch under your nose with the back of your hand, thinking of the way you were going to hand the baggie over.

You open your palm again to stare at the pills, your hand shaking. You look around the room one more time, turning to smile at Leighton while she had a few shirts and sweaters draped over her arm for you.

You wanted to be responsible, just maybe not today.

You clear your throat, shoving the pills into the deepest corner of your front pocket.

[anundyingfidelity]

I'M A RUIN — Soldier Boy/Ben (Part VI)

Series summary: After the events of the Seven Tower, you present Grace Mallory a new secret project you're working on already to develop a cure to Compound V. The only problem? You need Soldier Boy for that.

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x female reader.

Word count: 2.5k.

Warnings for series: set after S3 (spoilers), some OOC!Ben, some depressed!Ben, angst, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, slow-burn, language, PTSD, reader has Compound V (she's no Vought supe tho), Soldier Boy being an usual asshole, reader is a fucking liar.

Warnings on this chapter: some suicide thoughts, very suggestive stuff, nudity, sexual tension barely starting, misogyny coming from you know who lol.

Notes: i was eager to drop this so here it is. hope i can make justice to the slow burn/slow sexual tension. aaaa as always thanks for reading!! ily all!

this fic tags: @k-slla @syrma-sensei @mostlymarvelgirl @cheynovak @drasticemotions @soldirboy @deans-spinster-witch

☕ if you like my writing, support me with a ko-fi !

get yourself in the taglist!

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | | Part VIII

GEN MASTERLIST! — SERIES MASTERLIST!

Part VI: Don't Lay Your Red Hand On Me

“Where the fuck are we going?” Ben asked, checking the picture outside the windshield.

The sun was already setting down, and there have been hours since you started driving. At least he had been able to see the damn sunset again after being caged for so long.

Despite his questioning look and not trusting you completely, both made it to your car in the middle of the mess of blood and headless corpses around the building, with him naked under the effects of your invisibility powers. Somehow, you still managed to reassure Soldier Boy it was to protect him. In fact, as you guided both out of the place, you were scared of your abilities not working properly to have him covered. The last thing you wanted was the cameras to have a look at him, escaping with your help.

Now, with Soldier Boy dressed in his clothes and you still wiping some of the dry blood from your skin, you drove without a destiny in mind. Just somewhere you could take him far away from Homelander and Vought. He was, in fact, your top priority and needed to be protected, even if you knew you were nothing compared to his strength and abilities, you still had the urgency of him trusting you, to feel like you really cared. And you did care, but for the wrong reasons and those, he didn’t have to know.

“Far away,” you responded, picking up your phone with one hand as you drove through the highway.

“That doesn’t tell me anything,” he insisted, looking at you switching your attention between the device in your hands and the road.

You dialed Grace, ignoring his voice. She didn’t answer immediately. You cursed under your breath and dialed again. No answer anew, just the ring and the automatic voicemail message. Well, fuck. You had to play with what you had.

“Hey, it’s me,” you began the message. “Please call me when you can, I have to inform you of something. It’s urgent, please call me back.”

Ben rolled his eyes, annoyed as fuck for your silence towards his demands. “You’re gonna tell me now what the fuck is going on? You’re a fucking supe and everyone is dead back there! And not ‘cause of me.”

“First, nothing to fear from me. Okay? You’re the one who’d kill me in a blink. Second, I don’t know!” you yelled as a response, clearly irritated. “I don’t know shit! I know we need to run and that’s all. So just shut up and let me drive.”

“Christ on a cross, you women are fucking irritating,” Ben fumed. He saw a cheap motel by the road and he would’ve guessed you were going there because you slowed down and pulled up in the parking lot. He sighed. “Home, shitty home.”

“Got any ideas? Because I’m all ears,” you stopped the engine and got down the car, taking the sports bag with you. The supe rolled his eyes and before he went out, you came right to his half open door. “Stay here, I'll check in.”

Ben shut his eyes, watching you closing the car door with a loud thud, and you left to get a room. He felt the need to storm behind and shout out what he really thought of your stupid ass bossing him around. If it wasn’t because he wasn’t really half the way out of the fucking car, he should have been arguing and insisting for some real answers. But for some reason he stayed back. When you came back after a short time he followed you to a double bed room you’d be using just for the night.

Once you entered, you decided a shower was first thing on the list, and then you had to communicate with Grace as soon as fucking possible. Checking around, you were thankful to find a couple of towels in the bathroom, while Ben settled on his own space, lying down on one of the beds.

He observed you thoroughly as you studied yourself in the dirty mirror hanging on the wall. The disgusting grimace you made told him you were looking for more blood to wipe off. And before he could speak again you turned to see him.

“I'm gonna take a shower,” you announced.

He raised a brow. “Mind some company, sweetheart?”

You rolled your eyes as you started to unbutton your blouse, his eyes checking shamelessly the little exposed skin didn’t go unnoticed by you. “Don't even think about it.”

And with that, you just disappeared inside the bathroom. The noise of water running compensated both of you for the silence. He turned on the cheap TV to have some noise for himself too, deciding he’d go for a shower after you. Probably if he was in a different mood would have just tried to get in your pants. Ben was getting so damn stressed out. First you took out his weed, then you announced he would have medication for his fucking stress disorder or some shit, and later, agents and employees of the facility just started to die violently without reason. He thought if any of you would be next while you walked him out.

It was too much to handle right now. He needed something to take it all out. Something, anything, somebody. Just to release it the only way he knew: with sexual pleasure. He didn't understand yet what the fuck was happening. Did you really care about him? You could just have left him there to handle everything by himself and run away. Yet, you took him out of the facility and he, once again, had a glimpse of your courage. Maybe a little. And he started to like that. Suddenly, he heard the shower being turned off and minutes later you came out of the bathroom sooner than he expected, dressed in the same clothing, drying the droplets on your face and wet hair.

“I’m gonna get some dinner, stay here” you announced, taking your phone and the room and car keys. “The door will be locked, don’t do anything stupid.”

Ben scoffed, standing up before making his way to take a shower himself. He faced you directly, just a couple of inches separating both of you. Your gaze challenged him to step closer. “I’m not a fucking animal.”

You hummed, without looking away from his eyes. “Sometimes I doubt you.”

“Locking the fucking door won’t do shit, why you keep doing this?” Ben asked, visible confusion on his features. He really looked tired as hell. Tired of your bullshit.

“It’s not because of you. I perfectly understand that, just wait for me here.”

With that, you turned on your heels and left the room. From the other side, you locked the door. Ben let out a deep breath. He knew it was easy to tear it apart, and again, run after you to have damn answers for once. But instead, he decided to calm himself a little and get rid of his clothes. Inside the shower, he let the warm water take care of the burdens he was carrying, without knowing, on his back. He wondered if he’d been better dead by now, if sleeping in a chamber was a greater choice than this, just running along with you, a woman, who just seemed to fuck him up even more instead of playing real like you had promised. If he knew how to kill himself, probably would’ve done it already. He was getting sick of hiding, of being a fucking experiment, to be under someone’s else’s orders… The worst part of it all is that he never had the right to choose on his own faith. Not even his own death.

Out of the room, you were a few feet away from the door you left behind when your phone started to ring softly. An unknown number appeared on the screen and cautiously you answered, making your way to the car, getting inside on the co-pilot seat.

“Hello?” a voice you knew too well started to speak after some seconds of silence.

“Grace?”

The woman on the other line breathed out. “Yeah, it’s me. Uhm, couldn’t attend earlier, sorry…”

“It’s okay,” you shook your head, as if she could see you face to face. “We’ve been compromised. My lab assistants, the nurses, scientists, guards… Everyone is dead.”

“Fuck,” Grace hissed. She sounded exhausted. “Where is Soldier Boy?”

“I took him out, checked us in at a motel. Can’t go back to my old place. Not yet.”

“You have the copies of the project, right?”

For a moment you felt she was doubting you, but you answered anyway, surprised she would even ask that. “I do.”

There was a little silence coming from her. You continued. “I don’t think I told you yet, but… Fuck, I received a visit from Homelander a couple of days ago. He crashed into my apartment… He knows.”

Grace cursed under her breath. “Y/N, we’re playing with fire here.”

You swallowed thickly, feeling your heartbeat raising. “What’s going on with you? Something happened back there?”

“Victoria Neuman came, saying she wanted to talk to me. She kinda threatened my life, and I’m on the run… Now I can make the puzzle.”

“You think they might be working together?”

“Probably. Senator Bishop was found dead, and guess who is running now with Robert Singer for vice president.”

You chuckled. The whole situation was so ironically clear. “Victoria, that stupid, smart bitch.”

“I’m gonna get some information on her, I know some people who’d know more than I do. I’ll call once I find something.”

“Okay, I’ll wait for that. Do you need me to do anything?”

“Just keep Soldier Boy busy. Work on that injection as soon as you can,” she ordered.

You nodded to yourself, taking a look around the empty lot. “Yes, ma’am.”

After a somewhat long time, Ben saw you entering the room and locking the door. You left a paper bag and water on the nightstand by his bed, where he laid down like he was having a nice day on the beach with only a towel around his hips. He noticed you looked down at him a little longer than usual, but he wasn’t going to let that slip. A sleazy smirk formed on his lips.

“My eyes are up here, sugar.”

You turned away your gaze for a moment before looking back up at him again, confident this time as you locked up your eyes with his half-lidded ones.

“Stop the pet names, Soldier Boy.”

Ben stood up on his feet slowly under your eyes following his moves. His muscular frame towering over your figure as the towel fell to the floor, revealing his bare figure to you. He was growing fond of the way you didn’t step back, ever, from him.

“Well, you never complained back there. Speaking of,” he took the bottle of water between his hands and took a sip from it before his green orbs focused on you anew. “I think you owe me an explanation.”

“I already told you. I don’t know shit.”

“Fucking lies,” the supe hissed. “Tell me now.”

You shrugged and crossed your arms on your chest, tired of him. “I have nothing.”

“Sweetheart, you never shut your piehole during our sessions. Don’t back up now,” he dared, stepping closer to you, eyelids narrowing.

Neither Ben or you dared to look away. You had to act like it, for your good. What if Soldier Boy found out that probably Homelander was behind all of it? It was going to be the end of him, his son; the fucking abusive experiment would be gone with a blast. But Vought was still around. It wasn’t just about Homelander or personal payback. It was more than that.

Homelander was barely the tip of the iceberg. And you were afraid Ben would never understand the mission. Would he say yes to use his blood to create even more experiments after all he went through, even if you explained everything? You knew his answer. The next step was getting it from him and it was going to be the hardest thing ever. But you could think of that later. There was nothing that a small cut accident couldn’t do.

“I’m not talking because I have nothing to tell you, Ben,” you lied, looking at him with your brows knitting together. “I wish I knew, but I’m just as scared as you might be.”

“I’m not scared,” he replied a little too fast. “I want to know why you took me out.”

“Why not?” you insisted. “You deserve another chance.”

And I need you alive to find a cure to this curse.

Ben scrutinized your face. This time, he couldn’t read through you. What did he know though, was that he was tired. A burning ache was forming inside him once again and he needed to release it. He was used to sensing your heartbeats, the blood running on your veins, and still now there was no glimpse of you reacting to his teasing. Any other woman would have thrown herself at him, he was used to it. Now, there wasn’t anyone. Just you, paying no attention to his perfectly sculpted body and his cock between his legs. It had to be the fact that you were a supe. Not as powerful, but still. A clear advantage in the cursed world you all lived in. He took in your body, thinking into luring you to give in and imagining how it would be to have you crying under him, moaning his name exactly like numerous women have. Just for the night.

“Don’t think about it, Soldier Boy,” you voiced out, like if you read his nasty mind. “I’m not gonna do that.”

His eyes went back to your face. “Y’know, I used to have lines of women like you during my days. Countless lines of rich whores, waiting to have a good fuck with me. Pretty ladies whose husbands would leave unattended, cute little secretaries, bombshell Hollywood actresses… All of them, just wet holes ready for me. I’d take them all.”

You chuckled at his pathetic little speech. If that was his way of getting you to bed, it wasn’t working. Not now, not never.

“I’m not just any rich whore, Ben. I don’t want to fuck you, you can use the bathroom to take care of your little problem down there.”

You saw how his jaw clenched as he held his eyes with yours.

He smirked. “Maybe not today, pretty thing. But you’ll see.”

“Be my guest.”

Ben turned around, giving you a clear view of his ass as he locked himself inside the bathroom. The sound of the shower running was not enough to cover his moans and grunts as he jerked himself off. You just decided to sleep. There was a long drive waiting for you in the morning.

[ryuzakistoe]

The Rin x Reader story is great! Can you please make a part 3 for with angst with bad ending? After Rin came back from the Blue Lock, he learned that the reader passed away and also learned that she passed away the day the last time he saw her.

YESS I DEFINITELY CANN I HOPE U ENJOY THIS‼️😌

Reunited once more PART 3 ANGST VER. (Rin Itoshi x Fem!reader)

Lots of angst, language, depression, self-blame, fem!reader, breaking down Rin Itoshi😢

a/n: I'm definitely doing my boy isagi next😅😏

“Rin…”

Its no use…how could you tell him now?

“Please…wait..”

You haven't even told him about your condition.

“Come back..”

With each passing second, his figure grew smaller and smaller.

Its too late now.

He's gone.

…

You fell onto your knees as you began to cough out blood.

Shit…please…not now…

Your eyes welled up with tears once more as you clenched the fabric of your shirt over your heart.

You didn't get to tell him about your heart condition.

The pain in your chest was almost unbearable as you began to cry harder.

Your vision began to fade to black as you prayed for Rin to come back.

“Rin…”

Those were the last words you mumbled before you finally collapsed onto the hard, cold floor.

~~~🥀~~~

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

*BEEP*

You let out a groan as you slowly opened your eyes.

You let out a soft wince as your eyes were blinded by light.

As you adjusted to the brightness, you began to take in your surroundings.

‘Where am I..?’

You moved your head towards the side as you saw a familiar figure sitting besides your bed.

“Mom..?” you weakly mumbled.

Hearing her name, your mother perked her head up.

Her eyes were swollen, as if she was already crying.

“Y/n! Goodness you're awake. Baby… what happened? I found you on the floor outside…what were you doing? You know how dangerous that is with your condition.” your mother lectured as she began to hug you.

“I know mom, I know.” you mumbled as you laid stiff on the bed, not having the current energy to hug her back.

“Baby…tell me, what were you doing outside?” your mother asked once more.

Your eyes welled up with tears as you recalled the events from earlier.

“I don't remember.” you lied as you shifted your gaze from your mom to your hands.

A slight frown made way to her face.

“Sweetie…just know that you can trust me okay..?” your mother softly spoke as she began stroking your hair before getting up from the chair.

“I know mom.” you forcefully smiled as you blinked the tears away.

Your mother smiled back before walking away towards the door.

She gave you one last worried look before shutting the door and leaving the room.

As soon as she left, the tears that you had been holding back resurfaced.

You let out a choked sob as your tears began to gush out.

Your eyes began to get all puffy and your nose all red.

“Im so sorry Rin..” you whispered as you continued to cry.

~~~🥀~~~

A few hours have passed, and with each passing hour, you felt increasingly drained.

Every slight movement caused excruciating agony to surge through your body.

It felt as if your body was on fire.

You lay there, motionless, as the nurses came in to check on you.

As the nurses checked your IV and your stability, the doctor soon entered with a displeased expression.

He let out a sigh before speaking.

“Miss Y/n, its safe to assume that your condition is not getting any better. I'm sorry but…your not going to make it.”

Huh? What?

Your breathing came to a halt as you processed his words.

‘Not going to make it’

‘Condition not getting better’

‘Im sorry..’

Those words kept swirling in your mind.

Was that it? You were going to…die?

“If you have any last requests you’d like to make, would you like to do them now?” the doctor spoke, making sure to keep the most respectful tone.

“Does…my mom know?” you softly uttered as your tears began to arise once more.

“We have alerted your mom already, she was here earlier when you fell asleep.” the doctor answered.

“I see,” you said as you tried to hold back your tears and frustration. You were not ready to bear the pain once more through crying.

“Would you like to be alone Miss Y/n? To recollect and process your thoughts?” The doctor suggested.

“Yes please.” you weakly muttered as you began to space out.

With a nod, the doctor and nurses respectfully left as they quietly shut the door.

As you lay there, a few tears couldn't help but escape from your eyes, despite your efforts to hold them back.

You refrained from sobbing or thrashing around, knowing it would cause unbearable pain in your body.

All you could think of right now was Rin.

There were so many things that you didn't get to tell him.

For example, your condition.

You didn't even get to tell him that you loved him—romantically.

But there were other things you didn't get to tell him.

However you were expecting this to happen, so you wrote down everything you wanted to tell him on your phone.

You left your phone without a passcode so that Rin could easily access it.

Finally, he will be able to understand how you felt.

About him.

About you.

About everyone else.

About things you like.

About things you dislike.

About everything.

~~~🥀~~~

“CODE BLUE CODE BLUE—”

Hospital staff and nurses rushed into the room you were stationed at.

“Ma’am please step aside. Everyone is doing the best they can.” One of the nurses spoke as they tried to calm down your mother.

Your mother's anguished cries echoed through the hallway, after all, her beloved child was dying.

A group of hospital staff hurriedly brought you into the emergency room as they tried to keep you alive.

The heart monitor appeared to be showing an irregular and alarming increase in speed.

The nurses and doctors did everything in their willpower to wake you up.

You were unconscious and your life was slipping away.

Other nurses tried holding your mom back from entering the room.

Screams and crys were heard from her as they kept her out the room.

Of course, they felt bad and pitiful but what could they do? They had to let the professionals do their job.

They had to help you live.

…

A few weeks had passed and Rin was finally taking a break from blue lock.

He decided to go back to his hometown for the meanwhile.

He went to visit his mom and maybe even you.

Although would you want to see him? He's been questioning that.

Soon enough, he’ll get his answer.

Hopefully.

Rin finally arrived at his destination as he knocked on the door.

A few seconds later, his mother opened the door.

Usually, she would be ecstatic to see him. But right now, she seemed…mournful.

“Rin, your home.” she sadly smiled as she opened the door for him, allowing him inside.

“Yeah, I am. Is something wrong?” he asked as he observed his mother's actions.

His mother paused at his words, her eyes welling up as she responded.

“Rin…i think you need to sit down for this..” his mother wobbily spoke as she led him to the couch.

“Mom what happened?” he asked once more as he felt his body coursing with anxiety.

Rin wasn't sure what to expect as his mother let out a heavy sigh, revealing that the words she was about to speak were going to be difficult for the both of them.

“Rin…Y/n…she..”

"She what?" he asked as his mother paused mid-sentence.

He felt his anxiety worsened at the mention of Y/n.

Had something happened to her while he was gone?

He didn't want to think that but the way his mother is acting…it must've been bad.

"Rin, she passed away," his mother softly whispered as she hung her head low.

Rin's mind seemed to have stopped as he stared at his mother.

‘Passed…away..?’

How?

You seemed fine when he left. Well…not totally fine mentally. But physically you were fine.

Right?

“Mom, this isn't something to joke over, you know-”

“Rin.”

Hearing his name he paused.

He observed at how his mom lifted her head up.

Her eyes were all red and puffy.

Her breathing was uneven.

Her lip quivered ever so slightly.

He scanned her face, trying to detect if there were any lies or fake acts.

Unfortunately…he found none.

He felt his heart drop.

‘No…but…how..?’

He sat there, motionless.

He didn't want to believe it, no way.

His eyes began to sting.

Was he…crying?

He lifted his hand to touch his face.

Just as expected, he felt tears.

Before long, he felt more tears welling up. He couldn't hold them back.

Tears poured uncontrollably from his eyes, he tried to restrain them, but his tears flowed as they showed no signs of stopping.

It was too much to handle.

He didn't even get to say goodbye to you.

But most importantly…how did you…

“Mom…” he whispered as his voice cracked a little.

“Yes Rin..?” his mom sniffled as she used a tissue to wipe her stained face.

“How did she…” he trailed off, not wanting to finish the words.

“Heart failure...” his mother answered.

He let out a quiet sob.

Why? Why didn't you tell him?

He couldn't help but blame himself. He would've never done what he did if he knew you were going to pass away.

No…he would've spent all his time with you.

“Before I forget Rin…Y/n…she wanted you to have this. It was her final request.” his mom softly spoke, breaking Rin out of his thoughts to hand him your phone.

He quietly grabbed your phone as fresh tears were stuck on his face.

“I think you should read it in a more private space.” his mom whispered as she felt concerned for Rin.

After all, she did always see them together almost every day.

With a nod, Rin forced himself up and began walking to his room.

He opened his door and plopped down on the bed, staring at your phone.

After a while of mentally preparing himself, he finally unlocked your phone to find out you had no passcode.

You probably really did want him to have your phone.

As he looked through your phone, he finally opened the app, ‘notes.’

The first note to ever pop up was titled, “For Rin.”

Rin hesitantly clicked on it as he slowly read your notes.

‘Hey Rin, if your reading this then I guess its already happened. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you earlier, I just didn't want to burden you any further and ‘force’ you to stay. You probably wouldn't even believe me and think that I would be making it all up just to get you to stay for my selfish reasons.’

“You were never a burden to me…” Rin softly whispered as he felt his eyes stinging once more.

He felt his warm tears drip down his face and land on your phone.

Nevertheless, he kept reading.

‘Beaides all that, I just wanted to tell you that this ‘heart condition’ has been going on for a while since I was young. I never thought to bring it up back then because I didn't want my silly condition to get in the way of our fun.

Now I realize that it was stupid of me to not bring it up as it only worsened from that point on.

All those times when I said I couldn't play because I was ‘sick’ and had a ‘fever’ were all partially true but it wasn't the whole truth.

The day that you left, I wanted to tell you right then and there everything, but couldn't.

When you were gone from my vision, I suddenly collapsed and woke up in the hospital.

The doctor told me I didn't have long left to live.

When he told me those words, I felt like breaking down.

Surprisingly, I didn't but still felt very miserable by the news.

But to be honest, all I could think about was you, Rin.

Even though I'm gone, I still want you to pursue your dreams and live on without me, although you probably already are.

“Dont be silly Y/n…i can't without you here..” Rin softly murmured, his vision getting blurry from all the tears. Yet, he still continued to read.

‘Oh, and before this note ends I want to tell you one last thing.

Rin, I love you. I always have as a matter of fact.

And no, its not in a friendship way but more of a romantic way.

You see Rin, ever since we were little I always had a little crush on you. But I mean who wouldn't?! You were so cute back then! And now your even more cuter! Handsome too!

Soon, that ‘little crush’ developed into love.

I never told you because I never wanted to ruin the friendship we had although its already kinda ruined already.

And even if you ever did feel the same way, (which I kinda doubt but who knows?!) I'm sorry that you had to find out this way.

Maybe in another life we could be happy together without my stupid condition. Romantically or not.

And in that next life, if it is romantically, I hope we could strive together and have a future with the two of us in it, with me actually confessing to you in person.

But if its in a friendship way, I hope we can still stick together like back then.

But right now, in this lifetime, it seems as if it can't be either of those two.

Promise me one thing though Rin, please take care of yourself.

I love you.’

-Y/n

He felt like he couldn't breathe.

His hand started shaking violently as he dropped the phone onto the bed.

His sobs became louder and louder as seconds passed by.

“Y/n…” he choked out as he began to tug on his hair.

The pain in his heart was insufferable.

He's never broken down like this ever since the Sae incident.

But this…this was definitely worse than the day Sae neglected him.

It was about you, and you were gone. Long gone.

He couldn't help but let out a frustrated scream as he threw his clutter across the room.

His crying escalated into a full breakdown as all he could think about in the moment was how much he regretted his actions.

He's never hated himself as much as right now.

Would all of this have been different if he never pushed you away?

Well, no, of course not. It's not like he can change your heart condition, but he could have at least provided you with support.

He could have at least let you rest peacefully, with you knowing that he still cared for you.

But you probably thought that he hated you.

And he hated the idea of that.

The idea of you passing with the belief of him hating you made him feel such overwhelming and intolerable guilt.

With fists clenched together so tightly, his nails pierced through his palm as his knuckles turned pure white.

He let out a frustrated cry as he punched his wall.

This was his breaking point.

He slumped against the wall, pulling his legs to his chest and burying his face in his arms, overcome with violent sobs.

“I love you too Y/n…” he whispered.

~~~🥀~~~

Days have passed and Rin hasn't been able to get much sleep.

It was noticeable too.

Rin had heavy eyebags as he wasn't speaking as much.

Every day, he would always lock himself in his room.

He would lie down on his bed, feeling numb as he blamed himself for all that's happened.

Some nights, he would curl up into a ball on his bed and cry all night.

He would cry himself to sleep.

Your missing presence really affected him.

…

Today, he had planned to visit the graveyard, as he did almost every day when he had the time.

Arriving at your tombstone, he fell to his knees, tears welling up in his eyes once again.

“Y/n…I really can't do this without you.” he mumbled as replaced the old flowers with new ones.

Every day, Rin would always be the one to look after your tombstone.

On rainy days, he would place a small umbrella over your gravestone to prevent mold from growing on it.

And every time the flowers were wilting away, he would always be the one to replace them with your favorite flowers.

“Y/n…I don't know what to do without you. I need you here with me…”

Rin bit his lower lip as he tried to compress a sob.

“I miss you…I miss you so much it hurts.” Rin muttered as he wiped his tears away with his sleeve.

Although it was pointless, his tears just kept flowing.

“Fuck this…I can't do this anymore.” Rin grumbled as he gripped the hem of his shirt tightly.

“Y/n…Y/n come back to me…please!” Rin sobbed as he slammed his fists onto the ground.

“Tell me this is all just one big joke Y/n! Tell me your not really gone!”

Of course, he knew all too well that this wasn't a joke.

It was real life.

You were really gone.

Rin hunched over as he began to cry into his palms.

“I love you Y/n…I wish I could've told you too…”

a/n: omg I'm so tired but anyways I hope you liked this

OH and I also got the ‘notes’ thing reference from that one K-drama “Drawing Closer” bro…that made me cry so bad😭

Zoo wee mama🤤

[justmeinadaze]

Not Alone Part 2 (Medication)(Eddie X You)

A/N: This is what I mentioned writing the other night and is a part to this ask here.

I want to say that I have had so many experiences with medications since I was diagnosed with my mental health issues in 2016. I had watched it help people like myself after so many trials and errors and I've watched it hurt people to their core. I've been physically hurt to the point where I was vomiting and curled up on the bathroom floor. I've had pills that messed with my brain chemistry to the point a friend found me sobbing on the floor terrified I was going to die. All that fun stuff and to be honest the worst part was no feeling heard.

I would tell doctors how much pain I was in and they would tell me it was normal. After a couple of days I would tell them something wasn't right and I was told to give it more time. It wasn't until 2019 I finally found a doctor who worked with me and realized that my brain and stomach are extremely sensitive to meds and we have to start on the lowest doses first before moving up. Ive been on my current set of pills since then and it's changed my life.

Of course, mental health meds don't fix everything and I was suggested a vitamin that help with calming your mind. Yesterday, I took and what the reader feels about her quiet mind is how I felt. I didn't know what to do with myself. Honestly, I just wanted to be held and told everything is ok.

But yeah, my advise to you is trust your gut. If you want to take medication and notice somethings off voice your concern. If you don't like what a drug does or how it affects you, say something. DO NOT let a doctor walk all over you. If I've learned anything over the last few years, it's that all doctors are human and like humans...they make mistakes and can be assholes.

Warnings: Mentions of mental health concerns, details on medication symptoms (tummy ache, vomiting, change in personality, quiet mind), feels of "being a bother" More then anything this is Eddie taking care of you and him making sure you're ok. Mr. White Knight <3.

Word Count: 1579

“Ok and what should we be on the lookout for?”, Eddie asks as his hand remains intertwined with yours. 

The doctor you had just met at the insistence of your family heavily exhaled as your boyfriend asked him another question that seemed to annoy him. 

“Look, Mr. Munson, she’s going to be fine. This medication helps so many people to be relaxed and quiet their mind. At most, she’ll be so relaxed that you both will get a good night’s sleep. Now, I do have other patients waiting.”

As he begins to walk the door, the metalhead starts to follow before you grab his elbow and pull him back. 

“Stop it, freak.”, you tease as he tosses you a smile back. 

“Hey, I just want to know that you’re safe. I don’t like seeing you in pain or anything. I know your depression tells you no one cares but I do.”

Beaming up at him, you pull his lips to yours as he wraps his arms around you to hug you to his chest. 

***

“Y/N? How are you feeling so far, baby?”

It had been about an hour since you took the antidepressant the doctor recommended and Eddie noticed within 5 minutes of taking it your entire body language changed. You seemed…heavier…as if there was a weight baring down on you and folding your frame. 

His careful eyes followed you around the trailer as you silently grabbed a water bottle and sat cross legged on the couch to watch tv. The thing was…he could tell in your eyes that you weren’t really paying attention. You seemed to be looking through the tv instead of comprehending anything going on. 

“I’m…I’m ok.”

“Can you give me more than that, please?”, Eddie asked as he sat down beside you.

“I’m…calm. I don’t feel anything really. Like…I’m relaxed but…I kind of just want to curl up into a ball.”, you mumble raising another red flag in his brain. 

“Why is that do you think?”

“It’s going to sound dumb.”, you sigh as you hang your head. 

“Hey.”, he coos as his fingers lift your chin. “Nothing you say is dumb to me. I’m a freak remember?”

Eddie smirks at the sound of your laugh but even that sounds out of place. This particular metalhead was never a fan of medication. He believed it worked and helped people but in his experience it made things worse. His uncle once tried to put him on ADHD medication when he was a boy and promptly took him off it when he noticed his nephew’s personality completely change. In later years, weed helped calm him down along with his music and creating a campaign for Hellfire. 

You had told him once, you struggled with finding your purpose. Your family made you believe that paying bills and working a desk job is normal. It’s the only thing in realty that was attainable.

With him, he showed you a new world that you absolutely loved and encouraged you to try new things like writing or learning an instrument for yourself. Since you had started seeing him, you felt like someone cared and put you first, constantly making you feel wanted and seen. 

Throughout your time together, he watched a personality unfold that made him fall more in love with you every day and truth be told he was terrified that medication would strip that away but if it could help you be happy and achieve your dreams than he was open to the idea.  

“My mind…has never been quiet. As far as I can remember something’s been…buzzing around in there, you know? This…this scares me…I don’t know…what to do with the silence.”

Eddie’s heart cracks listening to your explanation as he pets your head and kisses your temple. 

“Well, sweetheart, things will never be silent with me as your boyfriend.”

Giggling, you crawl into his lap and melt into his embrace as he softly plays with your hair.

***

Three hours later the energy changed as you felt a pain in your stomach you had never felt before. Rushing to the bathroom, you threw up over and over again as Eddie held your hair back. 

“Everything’s ok, baby.”, he whispered before turning his attention to the phone next to his ear. “No, I don’t fucking care that he’s not there! Then give me another fucking doctor to talk to. My girlfriend hasn’t stopped throwing up in the last thirty minutes. I refuse to believe that’s fucking normal!”

“Look, sir, there’s nothing we can do about it over the phone and like I said with mental health medication, it is common for it to cause the symptoms she’s experiencing. After a while, they will go away.”

“What is ‘a while’?”

“Usually after 2 weeks, your body gets used to the—”

“Oh, hell no! You’re saying she’s going to be in this much pain for that long?! What about her job, her life, her fucking sanity!? Aren’t these pills supposed to help with the depression!? How does that help!?”

“Eddie…”, you cry as you try to reach for his arm to calm him down. 

“Listen, we have an opening for you to see her doctor tomorrow morning. Bring her in and we can take a look.”

“Yeah we’ll do that.”, he sasses before hanging up the phone. “Here, sweetheart. Drink some of this water and then we’ll go lay down ok?”

“I’m sorry.”, you sob causing him to grab a tissue to wipe your eyes. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for—”

“I’m causing problems. I’m making things difficult for you—”

“No, baby, No. Listen to me, Y/N. The only thing that’s difficult for me is watching you hurt like this. I knew that fucker wasn’t taking you seriously. I swear to God when we get in there tomorrow—”

“Please…I just wanna lay down.”

Nodding, Eddie careful lifts you and lays you in his bed, bringing the covers up over your frame. After placing a trashcan by the bed and the water on his nightstand, he crawls in behind you and pulls you into his arms, gently kissing your shoulder as he listens to your breath. 

***

“Alright, Miss Y/L/N, now I heard you were having some symptoms in regard to the medication and—”

“She’s not taking that bullshit anymore. Check her over and make sure she’s not dehydrated or needs a hospital and then you can fuck off.”, Eddie growled from his place in front of you like the protector he was. 

“Listen there’s no need for—”

“There’s a huge fucking need. She came to you for help and you just toss any drug at her without really speaking to her about her history?! You didn’t properly warn her about the side effects. Trust me, the most that happened wasn’t ‘a good night’s sleep’. She threw up half the fucking night and sobbed in arms. Do you know what that’s like?! Having someone you love being in pain and feel so fucking helpless?!”

The doctor cleared his throat as he sighed. 

“She said it calmed her mind but to an extent she didn’t know how to handle. You don’t just thrust someone into that. You have to ease them in so they don’t get overwhelmed. You should know that…or did years in medical school strip you have your humanity and common fucking sense?”

“Let, um, let me look her over here.”

Eddie’s intense eyes watched the doctor as he checked you out and you confirmed you felt better since you didn’t take the pill again for day 2. 

“She seems fine and one day on the drug won’t hurt her mentally. I recommend a day to rest and then she’ll be as she was.”

The metalhead, seemingly satisfied with his answer, took you in his arms and gently placed you on the tile. 

“I’m not trying to be a dick, doctor. She’s been through so much already and all by herself. Lord knows I’m not perfect but if I can help her I will. You dropped the ball here, sir, and I hope you don’t again.”

***

“Thank you.”, you murmur as your arms wrap tighter around him while you both lay in bed listening to the music and the rain outside. “For standing up for me. My family and doctors always treat me like I’m being overdramatic.”

“No, baby, you’re not. You deserve to be heard. My mom’s medication used to make her sick all the time and she would brush it off saying it was part of the process. I know they helped her with her pain but…”

“Will you help me look into maybe some alternatives? Something that can help me without changing or hurting me? Or maybe we can find a doctor that will work with me…”

“Of course, sweetheart.”, he coos as he kisses your forehead. “You’re not an inconvenience or a problem by the way. You say that a lot when you’re low. I really do like helping you and or taking care of you. You’ve always been there for me and I see how you are with other people including some that don’t deserve your kindness. You deserve to have someone help you take the reins from time to time.”

“What did I do to deserve you, Eddie Munson?”, you smile up at him. 

His chest vibrates as he laughs and grins down at you. 

“I don’t know. Probably some voodoo chant or dance or something.” 

##########

Eddie Asks

[candiid-caniine]

Hey! Long time no see, i know i said id send you a fantasy i thought you'd like but now ive forgotten almost all of it, oop!

Life happened, and uh, i saw that you mentioned your libido being a bit low, which definitely is my case too (im recovering from depression, now that im okay id love to get my FULL libido back, or at least a good percentage of it) do you have any tips on that?

Also any recs of blogs writing in the same vibe as you? (same-ish kinks would be nice but im specifically looking for queer inclusive stuff!) it makes me 10x hornier than the regular video/photo porn!

Hope you're well, you pathetic little thing!

💫

hi friend!! ugh i feel you. sorry i haven't got any advice on regaining ur libido...we just let mine wax and wane as it will, though denial has been a big help in keeping it steady!

i've heard good things abt ginseng and some other herbs. obvs use at your own risk, mind that some herbal treatments can cross-interact with certain medications, remember that pre-packaged supplement pills are often unregulated and may contain toxins, and be aware that some herbal remedies work better on pw certain anatomy than others, and finally that many herbal remedies considered to increase libido are largely untested on trans folx!

finally, sorry it's taken so long to answer this ask...i'm autistic and have been cataloguing lol. i present to you a list of other blog recs under the cut, organized by general vibe! i've tried to primarily include blogs that do their own posts rather than those who primarily reblog :)

note that my headings may provide some context as to what to expect, but you read at your own risk and each blog will typically have its own trigger warnings addressed in the header/pinned. additionally, i've not tagged some of the ppl below because they prefer that "Men DNI" blogs not interact, and idk if "no cis men" qualifies ahah!

all blogs below are queer- and/or trans-inclusive, if not exclusive! there is no detrans/misgendering, at least I don't think - i don't tend to follow those blogs.

hard kinks (blood, knives, etc; includes primarily-cnc blogs):

@puppy-mommy , who also does general t4t kink content, but does state untagged hard kinks!

@visciousest is someone whose blog i scroll when i'm in a Certain Mood ahah,, i won't elaborate

@hell-hound-bites: just. fuck. would drool on his knife blade.

@snuff-fag: its username should give you fair warning as to how wild its content tends to get, so please browse responsibly.

@condor-bait is taking a break right now, and all my love is with him as he takes care of himself. he made me feel so valid and so fuckable as a young trans person learning to love myself in a new way, and i've always been too shy to tell him how much his content meant to me one-on-one (yes, despite its often-extreme themes!), and he deserves as much time as he needs to heal!

@unwillingfvckpuppy for mostly cnc and medical kinks! if you like his style, but not so much their harder content, he also has a more-tame main blog--i just mainly follow/scroll this one!

@vampvictim: top-tier cnc/intox stuff, plus some great knife/bloodplay :)

@cryptidtid is wonderful and holy shit i follow a lot of hard kink blogs lol. incredible

@cnc-pet: i have been following her for a long ass fucking time lol. they post a lot of really good cnc and stories, but you'll also find a lot of aftercare tips and advice on her blog! i really admire blogs who try to balance horny content with best practices

@dollobotomy

general kinky content:

@excessively-queer . just plain old good shit :) there's a good amt of edging and degradation.

@clouded-king was honestly one of my earlier introductions to the queer/t4t kink community on here and how fucking euphoric it can be :) he posts some hard kinks, but generally it's a balance of a lot of different kinks so read his pinned at your leisure!

@ / cottontailx : just good kinky nsft posts :)

@ / digitalpenetration: often specifically t4t which i love!!

@femmelovefemme can step on me :)

@bigothteddies: could not build this section w/o mentioning him :) they had a big influence on my fantasies for a long time!

@hazelj-xoxo: bigtime want her to cuck me. have followed her across multiple blog deletions lol

@transpidered is forever an icon!

@subspaceemo

@writefinch for great stories and text posts

edging and denial, specifically:

@6irlpet is 1 of my go-to hands-down-pants scroll sessions :)

@droolkink is my inspiration!

@flustersluts does exactly what the name implies lol. a good helping of other kink content too :)

@puppycvnt is a 10/10!

@barkwoofbarkwoofbark: we r denial friends imo!!

@strawbrrysub

@blyssful-abyss

@urhighnessbitch is a big fav <3

non-detrans genderplay:

@butchviolence does amazing butch supremacy stuff and i,,, fucking hell. even just seeing their username puts me in a Particular state of mind ahah. they also post hard kinks so be aware as you proceed!

@mtfdomme: i literally just reblogged from her today lol. tbh i want to be their little stupid pupthing. it's not all transfem supremacy undertones/overtones, but that's what i mainly follow her for, plus just general t4t goodness! also, their general personality? and the way she shuts down people who disrespect their boundaries? huge inspiration for me!

@cuntboydestroyer: take me to the animal shelter and neuter me. good lord.

@the-kind-of-dame is the main inspiration for my recent genderplay post lol

@terfbreaking-tgirl (be warned of dykebreaking if that's an issue for you)

@barbarian-lesbian is my other inspiration for the recent genderplay post

@superiorineveryway

weird asf (/complimentary; my favorite type of shit. robots, ND-focused posts, etc):

@specksizedgoddess has introduced me to things i didn't know, like...existed, and that's saying a lot as one of my special interests is kink! never knew how down bad i was to be a tiny buggirl, nor how much i wanted to be someone's stupid little robot... BIG tw tho: there is snuff and gore content here, so proceed with caution if you don't wanna see that!

@sapphling fucked me up real good with some bird!sub bondage posts awhile back lol

@nobelisha: found them through their ghost cnc post so that's why they're in this category ahah! they don't have a pinned so proceed w awareness :)

@devout-cleric: hierophilia/religion kink, and i'm something of an acolyte of hers :) if you've read this far down you may as well know i'm her Little Lamb anon lol

piss/omo:

@latenightomo

@pissheartmybeloved - their URL makes me crack up every time, plus good content!

@hold-it-a-little-longer - good scenarios/imagines!

@ohmyrashi - (i think) my original intro to omo!

monsterfucking/terato:

@septimus-moonlight was my first real introduction to trans-positive terato and i've never settled for half-fun cis-oriented terato ever since :) mind tags!

@eggedbellies as well!

@bredpun doesn't appear to be active lately but still good for a scroll!

@steamandcream

@of-mutts-and-men

[shradsmanifestt]

hi, im sorry for bothering u right now. ive been asking around for advice everywhere because i really need all the help i could use right now. my anxiety is flaring up like crazy because my results come out tomorrow and im so scared because if i mess this up then my future is ruined. my mental health has been horrible and that has severely affected my grades but in most asian countries they dgaf about that and basically think it's nonexistant for minors so ofc i'm still undiagnosed, and if i were to apply to a uni i wouldnt get any good chances anywhere. if i could just get 3 Bs in my AS levels it would be okay or else i'd have to retake it and it's super costly here.. i don't wanna put my family through that because they'll talk me down, degrade me, destroy my self esteem which i've managed to build back a little. they were like this since when i was the topper and thats what made me burnout. undiagnosed adhd, trauma, depression also contributed to it

im applying the law, but instead of the feeling of success that everyone else gets i feel panicked. the 'feeling' people usually get when they're in the wish fulfilled state, the feeling of accepting it and it being real—im not getting that. i dont see a clear picture when i visualize. every time i try to, i end up breaking down and feeling like a failure... but I'm still trying to go on because why is it that the people who hurt me and practically ruined my life get to live successfully, while i suffer? thats not fair... i promised myself that if i could just get 3 Bs, ill turn my life around and work really hard... but is it over for me? i want to win, im trying to, but im scared

im trying my best to visualize myself getting 3 Bs, reenacting my friends faces when i get the results, praying to God and thanking Him for blessing me and continuing to bless me, but there is this fear still lingering at the back of my mind... i feel like I'm not doing it right. i have like one day left and I'm so nervous. im going over posts, tweets, and every time I feel a little better, it all comes crashing down because of doubts. theres only one thing one my mind right now: 'how am I gonna turn it around in one day?' i know that the 3D does not matter and that everything is done in imagination, but here i feel like its not done in imagination either

right now nothings clicking in my head, whatever i read is getting scrambled in my mind, i feel so lost and empty. could u please tell me what to do in this specific situation? u can be as harsh as you want if that's what's needed to get the point across. im really sorry for the bother and id be really grateful if u could please help out, ive never been this desperate before... my life cant be over before it even started

Hey love,

I get you, I really do but trust me when I say this.

THIS SHIT IS REAL AF. Manifestation is real af. It's as real as the fact that you are a human being. All you have to do is trust yourself that it is already done. If good results is what you want then that is exactly what you'll get. You need to choose to stop having doubts because it is already done. That is the simplest answer I can give you. Persist on what you want.

I am glad to tell you this but I just got test results for a major exam held in my uni today and I got into the 95th percentile just by saying to myself that my super power is aptitude tests and that I already scored great. In my friends group only 3 of us were eligible and I have 70+ more marks then them as well. If I can do it, you can do it. You need to stop doubting yourself. Atleast stop doubting manifestation. Cause at this point you're only gonna manifest your doubts.

I'll give you a scenario - If you're worried about getting bad grades, Trust me when I say this you're gonna manifest exactly that coz you will manifest exactly what you assume. You can choose to stop that right here, RN. Choose to accept that you got great marks. I mean don't even like aim for B's go for A's. I don't care even if you left the paper blank coz if you assume you're the topper, that is exactly what's gonna happen.

If you do get bad marks and I'm gonna be harsh here - You're the only reason why! You're gonna manifest exactly what you assume to be true even if it's good or bad. Your sc mind don't differentiate btw what's good for you or what's bad for you. It only knows what you feed it.

You got this, TRUST ME

Love, Shrads.

[doyouknowbtsswag]

Do You Remember? |Chishiya|

Part 2

I wanted to cry holding my side that was currently bleeding. I tore part of my shirt and wrapped it around trying to stop the bleeding. I looked around for Chishiya wanting to be with him as the world fell apart. I spotted him propped against a car. He was looking up at the sky unbothered by anything around him.

"Chishiya?" I called out which made him lazily look over.

"( Y/n)?" I heard him say his eyes widened.

"I'm so glad your okay" I teared up slowly making my way to sit next to him. I winced trying to sit down. He slowly guided me down to help me sit to prevent more pain as I held my side. "I thought you died"

"You should know I don't give up that easily." He smiled lazily before stopping looking at my side.

"Nasty isn't it" I chuckled in pain.

"Your gonna bleed out," He said panicking wincing himself as he moved.

"Hey hey" I stopped him from trying to push on my wound to stop the bleeding.

"Stop," He said as he fought back my hand.

"You're hurting yourself," I said finally getting his hands fully off of me holding them tightly. "You're injured too"

"I don't care your more important to me" He placed his forehead on mine. "I can't lose you and let you die"

"I'm always going to be by your side " I rubbed his hand.

"I wish we met before all this so we'd have more time together"

I felt tears streaming down my cheeks making Chishiya pull our faces away.

"Don't cry sweetheart" He said cupping my cheek with one hand and keeping one on my hand but I could see him holding back tears himself.

"I can't help it"

"We'll get out of this" He wiped my tears from my face. "And see each other again"

"Thank you" I whispered.

He smiled lightly and put his lips on mine. I kissed him back and I could tell this wasn't going to stop anytime soon. Our emotions were displayed all at once. It captured love, passion, and a hint of sadness knowing this could be the last. I laid my head on his shoulder and intertwined my fingers with his. The sky blue contrasted to the depressing ground. Chishiya ran his hand through my hair as we sat in silence. The silence was cut short as fireworks spewed out of the dark sky.

"All surviving players will be presented with two choices Players must now all decide whether to accept permanent residency in this country or decline it."

I smiled and squeezed his hand.

"I decline"

"I decline"

"You better not forget me" I joked.

"How could I ever forget you?"

"I love you" I kissed his cheek.

"I love you too."Not too long after I said that my sight was blurry until the world turned dark.

I woke up confused with a major headache. I looked around and saw curtains and white walls. I heard a beeping sound and looked next to me. I was hooked up to a monitor that showed a steady flow. I was indeed in the hospital. The last thing I remembered was walking to the mall holding a Starbucks cup I couldn't even think of how I ended up here, I wasn't near the road so I couldn't have been ran over. I pressed the red button next to me to alert the nurse I was up. A few minutes later a nurse came in and asked how I was feeling and explained what happened. She told me I could walk freely as long as I took my IV with me. If I felt dizzy or tired sit down immediately.

"Thank you" I smiled.

"Just make sure your back in your bed by 8 okay?" She said.

"I will"

"Oh! Your friends dropped off clothes for you"

"Really?" I asked happy I wouldn't be in a hospital gown.

"Would you like to change into them?"

"Yes please" I nodded.

"Your friends mentioned your parents aren't in town so they dropped them off"

"I'll have to thank them later"

"Do you think you'll need help?" She asked.

"I should be fine"

"I'll be behind the curtain so if you need help let me know"

Thank you" I smiled taking the IV out as she closed the curtain behind her.

I looked at the clothes and started changing but stopped looking at my patched-up side. I sighed and continued changing wincing a few times. I opened the curtain and let the nurse in. She walked over to grab another IV for me to take around. She rolled up one of the sleeves.

"1 2 3," She said and injected the IV in my arm.

"Remember what I said before. I'll see you at 8"

"I hope the food is decent it seems like I'll be here for a while" I sighed as the nurse left.

I got up and started walking observing how many people were around me. I slowly opened the door wincing slightly. I walked down the hallway and saw vending machines. I didn't have any money because my purse was apparently burned to death. I frowned but walked to the front desk shamefully asking for a dollar. I explained why and they gave me one as I kept thanking them till they smiled. I walked to the machines and got my favorite drink. I opened the can and made my way to their garden. As I did so I walked past a blonde who also had an IV. I felt like I'd seen him before, I looked back and saw that he was gone.

"It doesn't feel as stuffy anymore" I sighed in relief sitting on a bench that was in the garden. "I feel like I've met him but It's not possible maybe he was one of my friends' ex's?."

I took another sip from my drink and watched little kids run around freely making me smile softly. "Nothing makes sense anymore." There were so many people I walked by that seemed familiar but the blonde stood out the most. I put my head in my hands annoyed.

"Can I sit here?" I heard a voice say a familiar one.

I looked up and saw the blonde who was also carrying a IV around.

"Uh sure," I said maybe this could help jog my memory.

He just sat looking ahead as I gazed at him from the side trying to put pieces together. I looked at him up and down before noticing the outline of gauze wrapped around his side. He looked over and saw me staring which made me quickly look away. He gave a sly smirk I've definitely seen before.

"So what are you in here for?" He asked.

"The meteor accident and you?"

"Same thing, did your heart happen to stop beating?"

"Yeah I assume yours too"

"Yeah someone else next to me had the same problem"

"You really unbothered by this situation" I chuckled. "Especially since you could've died."

"You should know I don't give up that easily." He said which made my head pound.

I closed my eyes holding my head seeing debris and an abandoned-looking road. I opened my eyes my headache started to go away he looked confused but held out my drink for me.

"Are you okay?" He asked as I took the drunk from his hand which gave me butterflies.

"Yeah sorry the nurse did say I would get headaches" I reassured him but I was confused about what I saw.

"Just making sure"

"Thanks" I smiled. "This is going to sound really weird but have we met before?"

"I don't remember," He said looking ahead unbothered.

"You just seemed familiar that's all" I cringed on the inside.

"Well I'm going to go get something to eat," He said standing up and stretching. "Maybe I'll see you around"

"Bye," I waved smiling. I watched him walk away into the building.

I decided to go back to my room and lay down my head still hurting from whatever just happened. I got up and grabbed the can of soda to throw out. I walked to my room the hallways almost empty because of the time of day. Once I made it to my room I laid down looking at the ceiling. Maybe if I close my eyes and focus I could figure it out. Now thinking about it I forgot to ask him for his name. I put my blankets over myself and got comfortable. My eyes got heavy and I fell asleep into a dream land.

I walked along the cracked road kicking rocks every once in and while. I heard a chuckle next to me. I looked over and saw the blonde next to me. He wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked closer to a game. Once we made it he let go and grabbed a collar handing me one. I nervously put it on scared of what the game would be.

"No matter what stay by my side" He whispered looking at the other players.

"What if it's a Heart game?"

"Then I guess you'll win" He shrugged unbothered. "I don't think it is though"

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"The atmosphere, the cells" He pointed out. "I highly doubt it is"

"I'll take your word for it"

—

"Well what are we gonna do"

"I have a plan," He said putting his hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry sweetheart"

"Chishiya everything is set to go"

I jumped awake my head pounding out of control making me feel sick. I aggressively hit the red button for the nurse to come in. I waited and waited and waited. I pressed the button again and finally, a nurse came in.

"Is everything okay?" She asked.

"Can I have Ibuprofen or something like that? My head is pounding"

"Of course! Let me go get you some"

I was dazed and confused knowing that it felt too real to be a dream. The places I was at and the interactions felt weird. All the people I saw with bathing suits on including me and him. The nurse popped back in and handed me water and pills. I took the medicine and set the cup next to me.

"Would you like something to eat? You haven't eaten dinner you fell asleep early"

"I'm not really hungry Thanks for the offer" I smiled

"Alright well get a good night's sleep," She said and walked away.

I tossed and turned all night till the sun woke up. Every time I closed my eyes new faces popped up more memories of me and Chishiya. I enjoyed some of them but others freaked me out. The sun hit my face and I was awoken by the nurse who changed out my IV.

"Your taking a little bit to heal fully but this should be the last day," She said and we both went on our separate ways.

I didn't feel as weak which was a good thing. It was a lot easier to walk around and I barely felt any pain. I walked to the cafeteria starving from not eating. On my way there I saw the people in my short clips of when I closed my eyes for a few minutes and closed them. Once I got my food I sat in a random booth. How would I tell Chishiya what actually happened? How did I suddenly know his name? How do you even explain you played in games so you didn't die? How we literally dated? What would he say? I placed my head on the table defeated.

"You don't have many friends do you?" I looked up nervously.

"I have no- no you have no idea what you're talking about," I said stumbling over my words.

"So why were you sitting alone?" He teased.

"Because I wanted to," I said avoiding eye contact.

"You're acting weird. I'm a doctor but even if I wasn't anyone could tell.

I closed my eyes and put my head on the table again to avoid him from seeing my face.

"Shuntaro Chishiya" I whispered.

"What?"

"Your name is Shuntaro Chishiya," I said looking up trying to keep a straight face.

"How did you-"

"So I am the only one who remembered" I chuckled lightly thinking back to when he said he wouldn't forget me. "You lied to me

"What do you mean by that?" He asked confused.

"It's nothing," I said faking a smile. "So do you even have any recollection of what happened?"

"What happened in borderland?"

[spiteslucanis]

was tagged by the ever lovely @zhalar to share 9 albums i've been listening to, thank you for the opportunity <3 i've included my self-indulgent commentary on each, and i tried to mostly pick ones that i've specifically been listening to recently! (ps. thank you for songs you shared in the previous tag game we had, several ended up on my playlists)

lazily tagging anyone who sees this and wants to do it! just say i tagged you. i love hearing ppl talk about music

my album commentary under the read more cut bcs i ended up elaborating a lot

i. chappel roan, "the rise and fall of a midwest princess" — ALBUM of the YEAR. to me. i know it came out last year but still. no skips, love her and this album so so dearly. i need it on vinyl stat. inject that shit into my veins etc. current faves: guilty pleasure and super graphic ultra modern girl, but i did also recently listen to california for like a week non-stop

ii. ethel cain, "preacher's daughter" — again i'm LATE to this one, but as far as concept albums go, this is. the peak. like just. screaming crying throwing up, even. i made a powerpoint presentation abt this just so i could share its story with a friend. INSANITY. faves: american teenager, ptolemaea, sun bleached flies (i forgive it all as it comes back to me............. kill me)

iii. taylor swift, "tortured poets department" — i went to the eras tour earlier this month. speechless! wow. i still haven't recovered OR finished listening to all of anthology but i sure have been blasting who's afraid of little old me and but daddy i love him

iv. metteson, "look to a star" — actual album of the year for me. saw him live this spring and he was so so sweet (was manning his own merch booth afterwards and complimented my make up <3 also signed my vinyl) ANYWAY insane voice? like simply unbelievably beautiful. and this is just the debut album??? future records might simply eviscerate me i'm afraid. faves are second heart (!!!), naturally (but nothing comes natural to me / nothing comes naturally...... augh) and heavier than a heart

v. pet shop boys, "nonetheless" — breaking news my favourite old gay men are still releasing bops and bangers and heartbreaking melodies. this released close-ish to my birthday so i've claimed it as a birthday present. what more can i say, they're my favourite band of all time <3 faves rn: new london boy (skinheads will mock you, call you a fag / last laugh is yours, there's a brick in your bag!!) and bullet for narcissus

vi. orville peck, "stampede: vol. 1" — i adore this cowboy beyond measure. as i think i said in a different post, i don't usually care for features and duets, but this does indeed fucking slap. insane vocals as per usual. love the concept. can't wait for vol 2, and also, mr. peck PLEASE come to europe. faves: miénteme and cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other <3

vii. sea power, "disco elysium" — this is FINALLY on spotify!!! the game of all time, and the soundtrack is equally heartbreaking and hardcore (to the mega). i was going Through It at some point this spring and replayed DE and then just listened to burn baby burn outside whilst smoking. european depression core. faves rn: burn baby burn, saint-brune 1147 (small pinewood church) and precinct 41 major crime unit

viii. jan valta + adam sporka, "kingdom come: deliverance (OST)" — finally bought this recently when it was on sale and my god i'm so glad i did. an immensely entertaining game that you can tell was made with much love. henry of skalitz my SON. been listening to the soundtrack on/off, currently absolutely obsessed with the song poverty and famine (and särmä if you're reading i think you might vibe with this one?)

ix. alkemie, "pentiment (original soundtrack)" — rounding up with another video game soundtrack because i'll simply never get over pentiment. stole my heart in a major way. this soundtrack is STUNNING. can't do it justice with words. my faves rn: sic arsit historia kiersis and rüdeger's rehearsal

[monalovesstarsz]

Maybe we could

Genre: Non idol au and idk what else to say 😭

Pairings: Shy sick sunghoonxchronic illness shy y/n (I clearly don't know how to do this)

Summary: Y/n starts to spend a lot of time in a hospital due to her health and its super lonely until she meets sunghoon and they agree to try their best to live as regular teens.

Warnings: uhh I'm not totally sure but illnesses, thoughts of death, hospitals, depression, mentions of death (probably)

Not proof read 🙈

Chapter 2

"Uhm uh-Hi Sunghoon!"

'shit' you mentally cursed. You have never met him ever but you just said you just said his name. Why would you say his name oh my gosh!!! No way no way you had just messed up so hard. Had he known you had been following him all this time? No right? You're thoughts were interrupted by his voice

"Uhm hi it seems like you were struggling with that ?" His index finger pointed to your wheelchair. You knew he was tall but this was the first time you saw him standing up. He had always he sitting in his chair. As bad as it sounds you didn't think he could walk.

"Ohh yeah I um haven't really mastered how to use a wheelchair, My nurse wants me to learn how to use one on my own but I'm kinda tired so" you ended your sentence with a shrug.

"Ohh I can take you back to your room if you want." He smiled awkwardly again.

"Oh no you don't have to it's okay!!"

"No it's fine I insist"

"Okay thanks."

"So uh how did you know my name?"

So close. You were so close to your room. You almost made it before he had asked that question. Quick come up with something and excuse anything!

"Oh I-uh I well.. Oh! Giselle is my nurse and she something about mentioned you!!" Not smooth at all but it was okay he seemed like he believed you.

"Ohh she was one of my nurses but what did she say?"

'shit'

"Oh uhm she said that you and I were alike because we're both shy!" Not smooth once again but he believed you once again.

"Oh she told you that? I guess I can be sorta shy sometimes."

After he said that you guys had made it to your room.

"Uhm thanks for taking me back to my room oh and sorry for bumping into you earlier."

"Yeah it was no problem I don't have much to do anyway, and don't worry about earlier I couldn't get it at first either. Oh and I never asked your name?"

"Oh I'm y/n! And uh if you're as bored as me would you like to hangout with me in my room?" You don't know how you got the balls to ask him that but you did and you didn't question it. If he rejected your hangout you would switch hospitals for sure though.

"Yes I would like that haha" he showed off his smile and this time it wasn't an awkward one.

"So how old are you? You don't look older any older than me?" Asked sunghoon after sitting on the couch that was attached to the wall under your window.

"mhm? Oh I turned 16 this this year what about you?"

"Ohh we're both 16! But I'm about to turn 17 so I'm your elder." He giggled and teased you.

"Yeah yeah but we're the same age so it doesn't really count" you shrugged

"I'm still your elder though so yes it does."

"Okay fine" you said while you teasingly rolled your eyes

"If you want I can try to teach you how to maneuver a wheelchair. I didn't get it at first either and it gets pretty tiring."

"Oh yeah you should please I really need it."

"I could tell."

You shove him jokingly and rolled around in your wheelchair.

"I can drive it but I just can't turn that well."

"Oh that's tricky but I can show you how to later."

"deal!"

"How long have you been here Y/n?"

"Ohh it's been about three or four weeks, but I'm supposed to stay for awhile. What about you?" You saw sunghoons eyes gleamed as you said that.

"Oh I've been here for about almost 7 years. I moved here from south Korea when I was about 10 years old"

"mmm so you've been here for awhile then"

"yeah but back then I wasn't always spending most of my time here.I was a figure skater and im pretty good at it too!"

"Wowww an actual figure skater? Ive never met one before!! That's literally so cool dude you have to teach me some time!"

"Okay okay sure bro" he said the last word teasingly and you couldn't help but let a little laugh out.

"But only if you teach me how to draw as well as you." You figured he had seen your drawing book that was on your bed and the page was flipped onto your last drawing which was of two butterflies flying around together.

"Okay sure dude!" You had emphasized the last word.

You guys talked for two whole hours after that and about the most random things. You guys shared a lot in common but we're two completely different people. After that you heard a knock on your door

"Come in." You yelled quietly.

Gisellse walked in with a tray of really really bad hospital food.

"Hey Y/n it's time for dinner- Oh Heyy sunghoon!" She winked at you. 'Finally' she thought

"Oh yeah it's already 6" You said kinda sad knowing sunghoon would have to leave soon

"Oh I should probably get going now but remember our deal okay?"

"Yeah I will! I'll walk you to the elevator then."

"Hey y/n you know what Mr.lee said. You have to use your wheelchair,try to get used to it." Gisellse mostly said that so she could see you two interact. She was so curious about it. She honestly thought you two would be great friends but you both would be super duper awkward at least at first. Oh boy was she wrong. You both kinda clicked I mean it was kinda awkward at times but both of you didn't mind.

"We should hangout tomorrow again then" Sunghoon said excitedly walking into the elevator while Giselle wheeled you right in front of the elevator.

"Oh then where should we meet and what time?"

"Mhmm what about 2:30?" He said while opening your rooms door. He had a mischievous look on his face. Odd

"Sure but where?"

"I think you already know where I'll be around 2:30 you follow me like everyday y/n." He said it with a mischievous smirk as the elevator doors were about to close.

"WHAT??" You and Giselle in perfect unison.

w⁠(⁠°⁠ｏ⁠°⁠)⁠w

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Was feeling too hurt over my garden to relax so i asked the angels to tell me a story showing how i can feel better -

this is my interpretation

4 , 3 & 2 of swords pulled in that order was wild to me .. moving backwards like maybe i have to allow myself to fall back into a bit of a depressed state, even if it feels like regressing, its actually not, because i have to allow myself feel the emotions in order to flush them out, have my cries, but i cant rly do that unless im alone & able to let my body be heavy.

then two of swords says Ok you need to stop being avoidant now, (avoidant of the garden itself)(i didnt want to go outside today)(i dont want to tomorrow either), but eventually you must make the choice to stop letting the bad thoughts *blind* your own vision -

you must make the choice to move into the 8 of cups & walk away from the big disappointment, go forward & leave that sadness behind.

(i know 8 of cups can also represent that you're repressing your emotions using avoidance, but in the context of what i asked, i feel its showing me to let go, head towards being joyful instead of letting the pain discourage me from working as hard on the garden.) let go & Walk straight IN to the death card:

Embrace the change... I love the death card it is number 13 i love everything it represents, so i felt deeply comforted to pull it here, i actually had a strong feeling i would pull 3 of swords, death and temperance lol. death is acceptance of endings, transformation..ultimately im sure this experience will transform me in the direction of temperance,which is always the goal, isnt it. The ability to maintain true composure thru stressful times.

When things like this happen i generally assume it is to strengthen my acceptance muscles. Soo this reading does confirm for me what i already felt. just a matter of time i suppose. it helps to see it laid out like this tho. i feel less sadness in my stomach now that ive been shown this & contemplated it thru writing.

if any1 else is awake and read this and feels theres more interpretation to be added, please comment ! i just wanted to give a brief rundown of my thoughts on it. the sequence it shows rly resonates...thankyou angels and guides 🙏

[chiyoso]

dude.

seeing other writers/mutuals who are so skilled at what they do talk about not getting support in their sfw, fluff and angst fics just piss me the fuck off, i'm genuinely so heated at the amount of old and new writers struggling because of new tumblr users

ik a lot of you readers like to read our smut fics/porn fics, but those writers, also talking abt only getting likes, instead of reblogs n interactions from those types of works as well is just so depressing that im starting to have this growing idea of what some to most readers are in tumblr

ill be the voice that other writers are hesitant and afraid to express:

REBLOGS; ARE SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO US THAN A SIMPLE DOUBLE TAP DOES.

LIKES are like a quick glance for us writers.

LIKES are like people who pass by us when we walk anywhere and everywhere.

LIKING is like telling us writers who take our time to write FREE shit for you; “we see it, we like it, but we will not do anything about it”

LIKES will NOT get us writers anywhere in this app.

LIKES is like deafening SILENCE for us writers, crickets, ghosts, an eerie dark night.

LIKES arent similar to instagram, tiktok and other platforms. it is DIFFERENT in this platform. they dont mean jack shit.

LIKES are like a hit and dip shit scenario. one night stand, loveless sex, meaningless encounters.

i've seen so much amazing fics, nsfw or sfw have over almost 9k interactions, then i look to the reblogs count and see only a whopping 500 or so like THE FUCK? SCUSE ME? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT RATIO?

if you're apart of the "ooh! i genuinely like this!" then only press like—thank you, truly. we're glad you like our work, to gain your interest and your silent support, but i want to inform you simply liking doesn't help us in a technical sense, it doesn't help our blog, our reach, it doesn't help our blog grow.

and if you're one of the blogs who only likes, i genuinely don't know what's so trifling and difficult about reblogging and adding the pre-made tags for you to spam and get it over with. i do it and its so, so fucking easy.

i genuinely, genuinely don't understand the analogy as to why you can't just... press that helpful ass button beside the heart. please, someone, enlighten me behind the reasoning.

if you're a bot, fuck you.

now, REBLOGS.

will at least (without tags/comments) be seen by your following and increase our significance only slightly.

REBLOGS with # tags INCREASE our chances of being discovered by a fuck ton.

REBLOGS with tags MIXED with your comments HEAVILY motivate us, your thoughts about our WORK motivates us.

REBLOGS are so, so fucking relieving for us, and that relief has been addictive to those starved from support, especially to writers who are struggling OUTSIDE of their work/hobby/blog.

REBLOGS in a literal sense, mean so much more to us than likes. especially with your damn thoughts. the mere thought of taking your time into writing something FOR US and OUR CREATION is so fucking motivating, every positive input from you will be CHERISHED no matter what.

and the fact we have to beg for it, to speak out about it as of late...

god, i remember in full detail the day where i wrote my first story, it had only 200 interactions max, and most of them were only likes and a few reblogs, but my inbox was full of positivity, mixed in with a few shitty ones, but i pressed on because of SAID INTERACTIONS AND MY LOVE FOR WRITING.

to my mutuals and other writers; i fucking love you and your stories so much, sfw or not, the writing community has done so much for me mentally, and lots of fics have been healing me. god its my first time releasing such emotions into this blog, but yea, ive just had it from the amount of turmoil ppl have been causing into all of you, outside tumblr or not.

hhh fuck im so pissed ill stop it right here, stay safe and may your favorite characters kiss you goodnight

[thatonecode]

what car seat headrest songs would you recommend? :D

OH YOURE GONNA REGRET ASKING ME THIS !!!!! OHHHHH !!!!!!

im putting a read more link here because this got . exactly as long as i thought it would

okay well obviously to start with i'd recommend "Beach Life-In-Death" from the album "Twin Fantasy" (2018 version not 2011 . i like both versions but the 2018 is better production quality) . this is like . starter pack car seat headrest this song will change your entire fucking life . no dont go look at how long it is . its fine dont worry about it . this was the song that got me into csh its the song ive chosen to be my top song of the year ive listened to it 3 times everyday since the start of the year without missing any times . its a really fucking good song

actually ! that whole album is like . mindblowingly life changingly good and it literally ruined my entire life for . well i havent actually recovered ! months !!! twin fantasy is an album about falling in love with a fictionalized version of a person and watching the relationship crumble . its like . devastating i can't recommend it enough . if youre only going to listen to 3 songs off the album my person favs are "Beach Life-In-Death" (as mentioned), "Nervous Young Inhumans" and "Famous Prophets (Stars)" . also . throw "Sober to Death" in there as well just for fun as a bonus .

Teens of Denial is also a fantastic album i EXTREMELY recommend listening to "Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales" and "the Ballad of the Costa Concordia" . again . lives were changed . "Cosmic Hero", "1937 State Park" and "Fill in the Blank" also periodically live in my mind rent fucking free but yknow . i cant exactly recommend the entire album (EXCEPT I CAN !!! YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THE WHOLE ALBUM !!!!!!)

moving away from album recs my personal favs recently have been "Crows - Rest In Bigger Pieces Mix" from the album "Nervous Young Man" . what if for just one night you turned into an animal yknow ??? its really good . and the other one is "The Ending of Dramamine" from the album "How to Leave Town" because ive been really Feeling the effects of my mental illness recently . "There Must Be More Than Blood" from "Making a Door Less Open" is also a very good song and SUPER easy to blorbo-ify if i do say so myself . "Over Exposed (Enjoy)" from "Monomania" is also . well . and somewhere down the line you'll look back/and say you did the best that you could and you'll be wrong/you're always wrong . so . theres that

confession i havent listened to their entire discography yet ive listened to twin fantasy, teens of denial, and MaDLO . i think monomania is next on my to listen to list .

some final general pointers if youre new to csh id recommend looking up the lyrics on your first listen through anything because will toledo hates enunciating like its personally wronged him . i recommend listening to twin fantasy alone in your room with all the lights off for peak effect (depression) . a general reminder csh is fucking Awful and i hate it and everytime i listen to it i go i cant believe i enjoy this and that its changed my life . this sounds awful . vast majority of csh songs are over 5 minutes and normally the REALLY good ones are 10+ minutes . you get used to it .

ALSO ! heres an incomplete google doc of my favourite lyics that im slowly updating as i come across them

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK !!! feel entirely free to send me either more asks with any thoughts on any songs or just dm me !!!! i love music so much i would deeply deeply love to talk about music any time :]

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[svnflowermoon]

hi

remember the anon from a few weeks ago who asked for advice about a girl called M? an anon with the emoji 🫀? well idk if u have already guessed but that was me

i told M that i like her and that if she didnt like me back she must tell the truth and she said ‘thats the thing, i dont know how i feel about you’ and then i told her i would wait

now i dont know what to do except wait, and like i can do that but like im just scared and we’ve been thru so much shit over the years between us and i feel like M probably doesnt like me the same way and thats why she said she doesnt know as in i dont completely know if i dont like you…..

like we used to be best friends and then we werent and like she smiles at me and ive heard that she wants a girlfriend, but i’ve also heard she likes this other girl who is super pretty like M and like im not that pretty and what if she is holding a grudge against the stuff i said last year to her???

like ive been depressed and sad and cried so much over her before, and missed her so much, and ive felt the whole spectrum of emotions over her, and i really care about her and i worry about her and i love her but what if she’s never felt like that towards me??? what if what she felt about me was a silly crush she had for like two months?

what if she leaves me waiting for months or years and then tells me and then ive spent my whole high school loving her and she didnt?? then what?

oh my god im ranted so much im so so so sorry you had to read all of that but i really needed to tell someone who would understand?? cos like non of of my friends have experienced desperate lesbian yearning and its like so hard cos they like guys and i dont

i just like her so much and i dont know what to do if she doesnt like me

again im so so sorry

omg hi!! i'm gonna be honest i'm oblivious so i hadn't figured out that it was you 😭😭

oh my god that's such an awkward situation like there's really nothing you can do except wait for her omg

i hope she likes you back omg, also about the whole thing abt the other girl, there's a chance she just has a flirty personality and has trouble figuring out who she likes fr bc she flirts so often?? idk i wouldn't know i can't flirt for the life of me. (also i'm sure you're gorgeous don't put yourself down like that angel <333)

considering you're feeling so strongly about the whole thing, i'd recommend making sure you spend time with your friends. try not to isolate yourself, just because you're waiting for her doesn't mean you have to put your whole life on pause. genuinely like spending time with friends will boost your mood sm, it won't fix it entirely but it will help you remember that you have other people in your life that are there for you <33

if she leaves you waiting for ages and then tells you that, then honestly she's an asshole 😭 if she didn't feel at least SOMETHING for you, she would probably want to let you know as soon as she could to save you too much hurt. ofc idk cause idk her irl but personally when i don't like someone i want to break that to them as soon as i can. so i think she probably likes you, it might not be as much as she did before or as much as you like her but i bet she likes you

don't feel bad for ranting omg never feel bad for ranting it's okay <333 the desperate lesbian thing is so real lmao i totally get you, please feel free to update me on whatever happens <33

[qqueenofhades]

Hi, do you have any tips on telling professors you’re dealing with depression? Like is it helpful to include details? Symptoms? It’s getting to the point in the last few days where I need to tell them something because I have assignments piling up and the symptoms I’m experiencing are getting pretty intense.

If It helps I think I’m dealing with atypical depression just based on how I relate to the symptoms list (leaden paralysis, oversleeping, severe rsd, can’t focus on anything even more than usual, just feeling an overwhelming physical emptiness in my brain). Ive been doing ok when I’m in class and I feel better then too, but when it’s done, as soon as I get home or am just you know trying to do my assignments or anything, it’s like a curtain falls on me. This has been creeping up on me for the last few weeks and I can recognize the circumstances that lead me here, but I feel like I’ve crossed a threshold in the last week from just having these worries and thoughts I could control to now this full blown physical Depression Experience that has control over me.

I don’t want to overshare so to speak and make my professors uncomfortable or permanently see me differently, but I also desperately want to be believed and accurately convey how disabled I feel right now in a practical sense. Just writing this all out to you took so much effort. I’m not really sure what to even ask for beyond extending my assignments to this weekend. This depression is so unlike what I’ve experienced in the past and I really don’t know where it’s going or what to expect. A part of me is hoping I’m just going to feel normal again in a few days but I can hardly think more than a few days out anyway.

I know all teachers are different but what would you want to hear and be ok with hearing from one of your students? What would you want to know?

Thank you so much for reading this and for any advice. I’m really sorry to just dump all of this here, I’m just not really sure where to turn right now. Please of course don’t feel pressured to answer. Thank you for your lovely blog and self. ❤️

Ooof. First of all, thanks for coming to me and I'm sure it took a lot of effort to put that together. I know that all-consuming, black-hole depression feeling, and it's not fun.

Here's what I would do:

First, reach out to your student counseling/health services center as a matter of priority. Almost every university has one, and they encourage you to take advantage of them. If that takes too much effort to do when you're in a funk, try to do it when you're on campus or have a little more energy. Say that you're really struggling and need to come in for an urgent appointment -- you don't need any more info than that, and they should be responsive/proactive about following up. There might also be a crisis line or priority email where you're assured a response in a certain amount of time.

Next, please do contact your professors and let them know what's going on! Here's a sample email for you:

Dear Dr. [Name],

I'm writing today to let you know in confidence that I'm experiencing severe mental health difficulties, which have been growing worse over the last few weeks and are negatively affecting my ability to participate in class. I am reaching out to the university counseling centers and other resources, but I am not feeling well at all and hope that you will be able to make adjustments to the deadline for [exam/project/paper etc -- fill in as necessary].

I will do my best to complete my work as expected, but please let me know if it is possible to arrange a meeting [via phone or Zoom if you don't want to come in], and discuss my options. I would like to know about the possibility of an incomplete grade or other ways to [pause/resolve/work with] my status for this semester.

I do apologize for any inconvenience, and hope that you'll be able to provide me with understanding and support in this difficult matter. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.

Best wishes,

[Your Name]

Hopefully, you can just copy and paste that with a minimum of effort, tweak it as necessary, and send to them. You can also reach out to the Disability Services office (as every university is required to have one) and see if accommodations can be made/allow you to complete work at a later date. If it's really bad, you also have the right to contact the university registrar and arrange for a leave of absence.

Anyway, this is to say: you have options to take care of yourself and make sure that the people around you know what is going on and can help develop a plan to deal with it, so please do take them! I know how awful and draining it feels, but if you need any other advice, please let me know, and I will do my best to answer. If you have a Tumblr account and want to DM me privately with more details, like the name of your university etc, I can also look for these resources and give you the information, so as to minimize the amount of pressure and extra work on you.

Hugs. <3