#the way i havent even been that present on this blog in the last two months

[magicalshopping]

The way you're not even Jewish and you support Israel in their genocide against Palestine. Freak behavior. Absolute weirdo shit.

The way you clearly don't go here but you've drawn that conclusion from... what? Absolute thin air? Do you think if you say a accusation enough it'll magically come true? Freak behavior. Absolute weirdo shit.

[hawkinsbanishedhero]

I posted 1,888 times in 2022

That's 1,888 more posts than 2021!

843 posts created (45%)

1,045 posts reblogged (55%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@joseph-quinns

@steddiesandwich

@ladyfogg

@prettyboyeddiemunson

@eddiemunsonlives

I tagged 1,860 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#stranger things - 1,197 posts

#eddie munson - 1,128 posts

#joseph quinn - 442 posts

#❣️ - 405 posts

#photoshoot - 62 posts

#steve harrington - 58 posts

#timewasters - 45 posts

#ralph - 43 posts

#💌 : munson mutterings - 40 posts

#tom grant - 38 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#havent witnessed another character die yet but i know its coming cause its in the manga and that will break me too .... nanami kento ...

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Reader hits Jason with a lunch tray and Eddie falls in love with reader because violent women😍

love at first swing

summary: reader ends up being badass so how can eddie not fall in love ??

pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader

word count: 1060

warnings: jason. 

part two. part three. masterlist

With Eddie Munson being present in the cafeteria one can always assume that his theartics will ensue. [Y/N] never really interacted with Eddie. Not because she saw him as a freak. Oh no. She could never see him as one. [Y/N] harboured a little crush on Eddie since they had both been introduced to one another back when they started middle school together. Sometimes [Y/N] wondered if her peers were blind or stupid or maybe even both. To [Y/N], Eddie was everything. She adored his smile, those big brown eyes of his, the way he got excited to talk about Dungeons and Dragons and his favourite songs by heavy metal bands he was a fan of.

Though she had a crush on him [Y/N] felt nervous to interact with him. Usually she has this confident aura surrounding her. But when it comes to Eddie? That was wiped away in an instant.

[Y/N]’s hands gripped her lunch tray as she made her way over to the table that was knowingly claimed by her friends. Which also happened to be one table away from the Hellfire clubs table.

“That’s what’s killing the kids!” Eddie exclaimed loudly as he ran off the table and up to [Y/N] just as she was about to walk past his table.

[Y/N] shyly smiled at his usual antics. Eddie stopped for a second before he swiftly moved aside with a bow and one arm outstretched. 

“Sorry.” He apologised as he quickly scratched the side of his neck.

“No worries.”

[Y/N]’s friends watched as she quickly joined them at their table. All of them have knowing smiles on their faces. [Y/N] knew that they would end up teasing her.

“You are so smitten, [Y/N].” One commented. “He literally sucks out all of your confidence.”

“I’m surprised that no one else has caught on!” Another noted.

“Guys come on!” [Y/N] exclaimed, whilst being unable to wipe the smile off of her face.

“Okay okay! We’ll stop.” One says in defeat before speaking again. “For now!” 

The whole table bursts into laughter and [Y/N] can’t help but join in. She was glad that they were accepting of this crush. [Y/N] was sure that if it was anyone else they would look at her with disgust. Conversation soon filled the table and plans for the weekend were being made. 

“He’s such a fucking freak.” Jason said to his basketball team.

[Y/N]’s head snaps over to his table. She wasn’t sure if that comment was meant for the table only or if he had intended on other people hearing it.

“That freak has got to go. Along with his little Satan club. We have got to stop him from dragging unsuspecting people into that cult.” The last word was said with disgust.

Insults continued to spew from the jocks mouth. Each word gets louder and louder. [Y/N] could tell that Eddie was hearing these things by the way his shoulders slightly stiffened. Hands quickly moved to clear her lunch tray. [Y/N]’s friends looked over at her curiously before putting two and two together. Protests left their mouths as she approached Jason with an empty lunch tray in hand.

“Hi Jason. Can I talk to you for a second?” [Y/N] asked with fake politeness, along with a faux smile on her face.

“Sure?” Jason agreed in confusion and promptly moved them a few steps away from his table.

“I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re a piece of shit.”

“What?” 

Before Jason had a chance to react, [Y/N] harshly swung her lunch tray at his head. The collision caused him to stumble slightly on his feet. [Y/N] dropped the tray on the ground, noticing that there was now a little crack on it and Jason would most likely be sporting a bruise soon.

“It was nice talking to you. And maybe think twice about what words decide to leave your mouth. You wouldn’t want to see what else I can do if you keep talking like that about Eddie, right?” [Y/N] said before turning on her heel and walking back to her friends.

See the full post

1,138 notes - Posted July 7, 2022

#4

i need him

1,167 notes - Posted October 15, 2022

#3

that look ...

1,169 notes - Posted September 13, 2022

#2

fingers in my mouth now

1,750 notes - Posted November 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

STOP IT

1,878 notes - Posted September 12, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[popculturebuffet]

House of Mouse: The Stolen Cartoons Review (Patreon Review)

Hello all you happy people! It’s Patreon Review Time. Since my 5 dollar or higherr patreons get 1 review a month, Kevin my 10 dollar patreon is using one of his to celebrate the 20th anniversary of House of Mouse by having me review a random episode a month. And for this month we’re going all the way back to the start with The Stolen Cartoons!

I already introed house of mouse back when I reviewed “The Three Cablleros” episode but for a refresher: House of Mouse is a 2001 cartoon about Mickey and Co running a club. Mickey is host, Minnie plans the show and runs the books, Donald tends to the VIP”s and co owns the club with Mickey, Goofy is head waiter,  Daisy runs guest services, Horace is technical support, Clarabelle is a gossip monger with no clear actual job, and Max is Valet. The show was used to repackage shorts from the short lived show Mickey mouseworks, using the club setting as a wraparound and said club was attentend by all the various characters from the disney canon. It’s as awesome as it sounds. 

The voice cast, which I didn’t intro thorughly last time, was equally awesome with all the actors for the characters at the time, all legends in the industry. Wayne Allwine as Mickey,who played the character from the late 70′s to his death, Russi Taylor as Minnie and the Triplets, who did the same and was also married to wayne, Tony Anselmo, who should be thorughly familiar to readers of this blog and donald duck fans as his voice since Ducktales, Voice Actress Tress Macneile as Daisy, likewise,  Jason Marsden as Max and Voice Acting Legend Jim Cummings as Pete. All except Allweine i’ve profieled before on this blog in various other series, but Wayne, outisde of a very minor role in black cauldron, only voiced Mickey, and to me is the defntiive voice for the guy, though Chris is getting close. 

The other notable members of the cast i havent’ covered are April Winchell, who while tremendous, I will save for an episode Clarabelle is actually in more, and Bill Farmer. I have a great amount of Love for Bill and like everyone here, he was a vertran of the industry by the time he showed up in this series. His defining roll far and away is goofy, who was, to my delighted surprise his FIRST voice audition, having studided PInto Colving’s voice well to the point you can barely tell the difference between the two, and having inherited the roll around the same time as Russi and Tony. He’s the voice of Goofy I and most kids from the 80′s onward have grown up with and is the best at the roll by far, having chances for depth and nuance Pinto wasn’t allowed with the Goofy Movies and other works. IN general he’s just THE goofy to me. He’s also the voice of horace and pluto, and currently voices Hop Pop in Amphibia which is super noteworthy as looking at his filmography like a lot of the sensational 6′s va’s he’s only voiced goofy or Pluto for most of his career. But hey like Tony, if you only do one charcter might as well be the fucking best at it. He also has a show on Disney Plus with him and dogs I need to watch yesterday. 

So with our cast out of the way, and not much history to go into, join me after the cut and we’ll see how House of Mouse got it’s start and if it was a good one. 

Breaking from my usual format for House of Mouse and doing the shorts as they come up int he main story for two reasons: The first is that the shorts are integral to the plot and the second is that there’s way more main story this time around than usual, likely to properly set things up. 

So we open at the House of Mouse with Mickey Adressing the club and showing off the general premise of this being a club for all of the various heroes and villains of disney to hang out and what not. He also presents the house rules which are no smoking (Fair and should’ve always been a thing), no villianous schemes and no eating the other guests, all helpfully demonstrated as he says them. We also get to see the others in action: Minnie handling the schedule and the crew, Donald welcoming the guests, and Daisy running the desk and getitng brainwashed by Jafar into giving him a table. Max also is providing his job as Valet which surprised me because I genuinely thought he didn’t join the cast till season 2.. despite the fact he’s right there in the credits.. which are the same for ALL THREE SEASONS. 

So things are going well.. so naturally that’s when Pete shows up to try and ruin things. Look he’s having a hard time after the divorce.. several years ago. Okay maybe he’s always just been a dick and that’s why he’s divorced in the first place. Point is he naturally wants to shut the club down, boot them out, and wreck up the place like any natural cartoon villian or real estate scum bag landlord. Pete just happens to be both because he can multitask. .and because it’s basically the same thing you just have to be animated for one of them.  Thankfully whoever the previous Landlord was, i’m going with Shere Kahn given the setting, his roll in tailspin and the fact the obvious candidate, scrooge, would make no sense here given a later episode where he guest stars, wrote into the contract that as long as the show goes on, they can stay in business. Pete stews over this and naturally plans to stop the show while Minnie, in a cute bit, comforts a nervous mickey and just tells him to play some cartoons. So...

Pluto Gets the Paper: Wet Cement and Donald’s Dynamite: Magic Act I”m covering both of these at once. But as I said the animated shorts this time are one big sized one and two of the shorter ones to make more room for the story. Which is fair: this is the first episode, and thus needs to set up the premise. The series isn’t story driven but your first episode should still feel like one, ease you into the world and get you situated and THEN can do the normal format. It’s also in the episode’s favor as the heavier story focus meant a BETTER story than most season 1 episodes, on par with the two season 3 episodes i’ve covered so far. 

The shorts themselves are fine. So far this is the only Pluto Short i’ve liked as it has a neat enough gaga: Pluto has to get the paper in wet cement. Why did the paperboy throw it in wet cement instead of in the driveway, I dunno but given this short is well.. short and just meant to deliver on some quick gags, I’m not going to question it. It’s the first Pluto short i’ve covered without any dog sexual harassment, i’m not looking a gift dog in the mouth. 

The other short short played right after is part of a series where Donald ends up trying to get rid of a round bomb that shows up wherever he is....

It’s pretty damn funny, though being a huge Donald fan i’m obviously biased, but even removing my donald duck brand sunglasses, I will concede this was objectively fun.

But the cartoons stop as, true to the title, they’ve gone missing! Horace is found tied up, the cartoons are gone and Pete is obviously responsible. and hilariously so as the rope has his name on it and he says “I don’t know horace horsecollar” There are a LOT of good gags in this one, i’m leaving a lot out for time’s sake. 

So Mickey and Minnie come up with a plan: Mickey sends the.. Quackstreet Boys.... to stall. Now it may shock you but I actually LIKE the backstreet boys. Not to an extreme amount but I did grow up with them, and even now find their music pretty damn good. No my issue is this parody is weak, mostly running entirely on the title pun. The most I can give them credit for is using the outfits from their second album cover. No I wasn’t kidding I did grow up with them. You saw that everywhere so even if I didn’t enjoy their music then and now, i’d know it. But it just feels really weak, like they had no idea what to DO with the boys and instead just slapped them in a lame parody. It dosen’t help i’m not a fan of the classic version of the boys outside of the comics, as I feel later productions should’ve had them actually be distinct, and it took until 2017 to pull that off with the reboot, something I fear may be undone in future productions. Please.. don’t.. you can have Cristina Vee voice them all, I don’t care about the voice I just want to be able to tell them a apart. So yeah I don’t like it but it dosen’t drag the episode down. Just something I wanted to have a moan about. 

So they split up: Mickey, Minnie and Goofy go to shoot a cartoon while Donald runs the club. Naturally he rebrands.. but what really is telling is everyone boos him when he tries to mc.. just for not being Mickey. While Donald does have a massive inferiority complex here, desperately wanting to one up mickey.. with moments like this it’s hard not to see why> He’s JUST as big a star, just as talented , maybe not as nice but just as likeable. He even co-owns the club. But ironically only Mickey Himself, and Daisy of Course, treat him like an equal. To everyone else it’s Mickey’s world and he’s just the sidekick. It’s no wonder he spend sthe entire show desperately trying to outdo mickey: he doesn’t hate the guy, even if he wouldn’t admit it.. but he just wants to be loved too. Sure it’s part ego.

Mickey does return though with the new cartoon. And our only sizeable one so. 

Hickory Dickory Mickey: This is a REALLY good one with a simple enough premise; Goofy wants Mickey to take him to the airport at 6am tomorrow.. which Mickey balks at. 

Seriously i’ve woken up at 3-4am to go to the airport or on road trips. Waking up at 5:30 is pretty standard. Goofy also has good reason to ask as he once BROKE MICKEY OUT OF JAIL. And as seen up top the flashback is done in black and white AND with their old models. I just.. love everything about this and it had to have taken extra effort to make new models for the old models and thus extra money for a quick joke. So kudos best part of the episode. But with his hands tied Mickey is forced to take him and Goofy leaves him his clock which won’t stop ticking. So we get just.. nonstop good gags as Mickey tries to sleep with standouts being his trying to drown it out only to get the tick station, the tock station on the radio and the clock channel on the tv. He also tries to mail it and naturally it comes back thanks to a kangaroo when he ships it to Australia..a nd then get’s progressively batshit as he mails it to HADES (comes back in a puff of smoke) and to the 1920′s (It comes back in black and white with arms and legs). It’s just.. really damn good and I suggest seeking it out. I have liked other shorts better but this was a good one. 

Pete still gloats as they’ll need more cartoons.. only for one to fall out of his jacket and Mickey to shake the rest out. We then get a fun chase between the two, SO many good jokes, my favorite being him dressing up as a dalmation only for Cruella to take measurements, before being cornered by the three and the elephant from tarzan who throws him out.. right next to pepper-ann and her mom “Don’t touch the villian dear”. Good crossover.. and another show that like House of Mouse is not on disney plus don’t ask me why. 

So our heroes win, we get our usual sponsorship and unusually we see the guests leave, a nice bit I wish they did more. All’s well that ends well. 

Final Thoughts: This episode was fantastic. It introduces the cast well, sets up our villian, our basic premise and while only having one major cartoon, uses that as a plot point and it’s a damn good one. A fantastic start to the series and frankly the best place to start if your curious about the show. I’d like to thank Kev for sponsoring this review. If you’d like your own review you can look at comissoin details on my blog or get one guaranteed every month by becoming a 5 dollar patreon. You get one guaranteed review a month, acess to my discord server for my patreons, and to pick a short when I do birthday specials. And contributing to my patreon gets me closer to my stretch goals, even one dollar helps. Next goal not only gets reviews of the super ducktales mini series, but also a darkwing duck episode EVERY MONTH. And with the plug done, i’ll see you at the next rainbow. 

[eliselund]

welcome aboard, elise lund, student #46. we are excited to set sail with you ! has anyone told you that you look like kristine froseth? according to our records, you hail from kristiansand, norway, prefer preferred she/her, are cis female, and are here to study geosciences. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of online lottery win — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + free-spirited, + spontaneous, but also - self-indulgent. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the pool. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a watch brought from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hellooooo it’s lily again and here i am with a new muse and i’m super excited to get to play her! please hmu if you’d like to plot :D

01. stats

NAME: elise silje lund

NICKNAME: ellie, lis, elle

GENDER: cis female

PLACE OF BIRTH: kristiansand, norway

DATE OF BIRTH: february 28, 1998

AGE: twenty-three

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual

MAJOR: geosciences

02. information

i will write a proper bio at some point, just need to work on some details

elise was born in kristiansand, norway. the daughter of a young med student and a waitress. she was the result of a short lived relationship but from the first moment her father was present.

tw abandonment: she was just six months old when her mother walked away. she didn’t leave a note nor a place where to find her. 

her father with the help of his parents was able to graduate med school and raise elise. 

despite not having a motherly figure, elise had a pretty happy and comfortable childhood. 

when she was six, her father took a fellowship in california and he and elise moved there. 

life in the us was no much different but even at such a young age, elise missed her home.

the lunds moved back to norway when elise was fourteen and by that time she was sure she wanted to become a nurse and also work with children like her father did.

after high school, elise stayed in her hometown and attended university for two years. during her second year, she decided to on an exchange student program to the us.

that’s when her free spirited personality really took off. she began making roadtrips during the weekends or holidays and she discovered her passion for traveling.

once back in norway, elise told her father that she was dropping out to travel the world. her father was not happy about it but eventually realized that there wasn’t much he could do.

for the past three years elise has been traveling to different places, living in hostels, rental cars and coach surfing. she’s had different jobs to be able to pay for her trips and she even had a blog to talk about the places she’s visited.

a few months ago, she heard of seas university through a childhood friend and she decided to give it a chance. she never expected winning the online lottery.

this time, she decided to study geosciences and so far she can study and still travel which is exactly what she wanted.

03. current plots

friends with benefits with bentley james

longtime family friend of matias jackson

04. wanted plot

best friend: elise is super outgoing but she rarely makes long lasting friendships because of how often she used to move, but now on the ship she has found this person to be her platonic soulmate. 

drinking buddies: she loves a good party and a drink after a rough day, so she always calls this person.

voice of reason: she is probably known to be wild and make some questionable choices, maybe your muse is that friend who tries to talk her down and give her alternatives to whatever crazy things she has in mind

study buddy:  despite her reckless personality, elise is a good student and she takes her classes very seriously, so it’s not rare to see her in the library.

unrequited feelings: either elise or your muse admire the other from afar and somehow they havent mustered the courage to talk to the other.

ex: this was probably elise’s first and only relationship, she really loved this person but eventually she decided they were better off as friends

awkward date: they went on a date for whatever reason but it didn’t work out and they ended up never talking again.

wrong idea: elise dislikes this person because she thinks they’re not a great person but of course, all elise needs to do is give your muse a chance.

misunderstanding: these two didn’t have a great start. maybe elise threw coffee on them by accident, or was talking to your muse s/o and unintentionally seemed like she was trying a move and your character took it the wrong way.

[chrospw-doodles]

When the Ink doesn’t flow

So... for starters this is a rant I wrote somewhere between september and november of 2020, it was intended to be posted in my main blog @chrispriceway back then, but I decided to put this here to avoid being too too personal there, I mean it is supposed to be a happy place to goof around and show you cool stuff, that’s why I made this side blog, to be more personal and less awkard so, yeh.

Chris-Jan.2021

What's up everybody, I know I haven't posted anything in a while and I wanted to adress my abcense and some other stuff that I wanted to talk about but never knew how to bring it up.

So, to those who follow me and dont really know who am I as a content creator:

hi, the name is Christian, you can call me Chris, I'm somewhat of an artist and like to post my stuff here.

Now, even if you have been following me for a while you may have noticed that I really don't post very often and that I haven't been around for a while even if I claim that I'm trying to be more active, well I think it's about time to talk about the issue and make some big changes around here.

But first of all, why does it even matter?

Well, to be honest the past three to four years I haven't really seen my online connection as serious business since I am primarly a student, and school does suck all of my time, the problem with that is that I really feel like I havent been respectful to you, the audience, not that I owe you anything but since I am now trying to make a living from my art, it is necessary to take this connection between the audience seriously and with a bit more respect.

In those three years all I've ever did was too much talk and too little deliver, so I apologize to those people who were really invested into the stuff I do, I really appreciate you guys.

So with that aside...

I wanted to talk about mental health.

well MY mental health

I know what you may be thinking, "what the heck Chris? What does this have to do with you being a lazy ass biss?"

Well, it's kinda simple as it is complicated so I will be putting here some bullets to make it easier to you to navigate through and to let you know how long it is going to be to those who really really just want to skip this post already

Introduction

Danplan Drama

College is a biss

When job becomes priority over school

How did all of this affect my mental state

And how I feel about it

Final thoughts

I'm not okay

Well, was, not anymore (mostly), or at least not as serious as I was some monts ago. Listen, shit went down, it's 2020 and that was inevitable, but I really want to go trough some points to give you context.

This year has been specially rough to me because of some circumstances that a few may know, but for context I'll be telling you about it.

The danplan shit did a lotta damage my bros

Ah, yes, long story short, I was an animator in that channel before the figgin drama

But it wasnt really that bad, you see, I really think that it was inevitable that it was going to end like that because of how are those two, but at the time I had to shut a lot of stuff because I didn't wanted to make it worse as the other animators did... but in retrospective, If we had talked about how we felt about the issue in that moment maybe it could have been better, or maybe not, I don't know and maybe I'll post a rant about it some other time (or maybe I wont), the point. is.

It was emotionally taxing, and to be honest it screwed me very bad. You see, I know I am not that good of an artist in comparisson to the others, nor have the best management of my social media, or another project to keep me on the public eye for a while, and since I went back to school I couldnt possible be hired by another channel because of my lack of time; so loosing my job at danplan was a HUGE deal to me because I knew that none of the jobs available in my country could pay off as good nor be as flexible as being an animator was, so that whole ordeal was really, really frustrating.

Then school became a living hell

Since I escentially lost that job I did try desperately to find anything as good to fill the void (it sounds dramatic but believe me, it felt really bad fam.) So the opportunity presented itself and I took a bone in stephen's channel.

In all honesty it was a good job and it was quite fun, but I didn't really stayed as a full time animator, I believe it was due lack of time or maybe my style wasn't really what they were going for, and tbh fair game... but it was still bad news for me because I was that desperate to find a new job, and I was so inmersed on doing that so I wasn't taking good care of my grades.

So now I had two problems, no job, and I was doing terrible on school because of my obsession with the job hunting.

And at the time I was still part of the community...

I was very active in the dp community and in Pau's server, I found great people and did some art because I really felt happy about it...

But honestly, that didn't last long.

School started to be a real problem and I did fail two of my school subjects, at the end of the semester I was burned out, and sleep deprived, so there was that.

One of my finals was a video talking about the drama and stuff and I've never finished it because I ran out of time and eventually I didn't felt it right abaut it, because it was like opening a grave again, like it was something too disrespectful even if it was originally intended for the sake of the animators, to give them, us, some justice at the end of the day... but I couldn't do it. It wasn't fair to everyone else because they moved on.

And that was the beginning of this crappy thing I've been carrying around.

I just. Can't. Finish. Anything.

I just overthink everything and fail before I begin any of the pieces, or Im about to finish but change my mind because Its. Not. Good. Enough.

I have a TON of pieces that never saw the light of the day BECAUSE I'm not in the right state of mind, and it is painful, because I love doing art as much as I love engaging with you guys, even if you are a few to maybe 10 people, I enjoy it. And It sucks to not be able to do stuff because I feel crappy.

And I know for fact that feeling crappy it's a crappy excuse to not do anything

But I don't mean that to anyone else but myself, because I feel like I could be better and do better, but... it isn't working, the global situation did some damage too, and I've been manageing, still, I haven't been able to finish a lot of stuff and honestly, I just want to come back before I become a ghost account.

So what's up? What's poppin'?

The plan is to try to force myself to finish at least one piece per week to keep this alive until I find the will to work normally again.

Maybe it's not the best solution, but I think this will motivate me a little since I really want to materialize some projects that I have had on the back of my head for a long time now, and I really want to start em' and share it with you along the way... so yeah, that's basically it.

Well, that was a long one, and if you happened read this far, thank you, I really appreciate it.

I hope I will be seeing you soon...

Stay creative, my dudes.

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 99

[Date: 20/03, 06:01 AM GMT - 20/03, 07:15 AM GMT]

[CW for minor/background character death, transphobia mention]

[Read Fetch's recent asks for context]

Little-K1ng: “hey guys im home!! is fetch here yet?? how did everything go??

...haha are you guys even still awake :)”

Maxwell: “yeah

uh”

god/dreaming crying: “im awake”

Maxwell: “shit went down....again....”

Little-K1ng: “oh of course, hope it wasnt too bad

are you guys at least okay?”

Maxwell: “so...fetch isnt coming tonight...”

Little-K1ng: “...oh

uh!! well!!! just another day to make sure... make sure everythings right for him coming back”

Maxwell: “his headache got worse”

Little-K1ng: “oh no poor thing :(”

Maxwell: “and i think he got really bad sensory overload”

Little-K1ng: “oh no !!!!!

did you have him do his anxiety exercise?”

Maxwell: “so he hid in the bathroom when....knight starting talking through the blog to us”

Little-K1ng: “oh dear”

Maxwell: “he was upset that fetch kept "barking"

cause he was upset and in pain”

Little-K1ng: “huh... internal arguing? thats interesting

"upset and in pain" wonder how that happened knight”

Maxwell: “we all tried to help him but he just kept getting madder and madder until...

he got pissed at knight”

Little-K1ng: “did he yell at you?”

Maxwell: “and wanted to scare him somehow to get him to be quiet i guess”

Little-K1ng: “oh? thats weird”

Maxwell: “we thought maybe he'd say something but then someone knocked on the bathroom door apparentally”

Little-K1ng: “you're shaking, max, do you want a hug?”

Maxwell: “ah....maybe in a bit”

Little-K1ng: “im sure it was scary watching fetch get angry like that :(”

Maxwell: “he....he said the person opened the door and there wasnt anything on the blog from fetch or knight for a couple minutes”

Little-K1ng: “.....”

Maxwell: “till fetch answered an ask asking if they were alright....he said it was warm

he...said there was a lot of red”

Little-K1ng: “..........uh.... i...

....i ....... dont follow”

Maxwell: “lawerence is gone now”

Little-K1ng: “what.?

crown-”

Maxwell: “one of the gas station employees

it wasnt crown”

Little-K1ng: “it....

uh

i....

you...

??? im”

Maxwell: “fetch....he...ripped his throat out (gore warning)”

Little-K1ng: “..............................................................................................i....................

i dont........

............i dont know..................... what to say.. to that”

Maxwell: “he didnt realize what he was doing”

Little-K1ng: “i dont think he did”

Maxwell: “when he did he panicked and started crying

its why he didnt come home

he...thought I was scared of him...”

Little-K1ng: “thats...

fuck”

Maxwell: “i wasnt...but he didnt believe me”

Little-K1ng: “of course he wouldnt, max

do you know where he is now?”

Maxwell: “knight was still there and he was being kind of condescending”

Little-K1ng: “i have to go get him whether he likes it or not, he must be terrified”

Maxwell: “i dont know...im assuming he left the gas station but I dont know where”

Little-K1ng: “fuckkkk”

Maxwell: “last i heard from him

i...called him my brother....and he said he wanted to come back but knight wouldnt let him”

Little-K1ng: “oh max....

....thats........ thats really sweet”

Maxwell: “.....i wasnt lying....”

Little-K1ng: “i dont think you were, max

i know he wants to come back. im gonna go get him first chance i see where he is

i wont hurt him, i wont force him, but knowing he wants to come home is the only confirmation i need

i just-..... fuck, dude........

he really.... fucking killed someone”

Maxwell: “yeah...I guess none of us really expected that to happen”

Little-K1ng: “just like that....”

Maxwell: “he hasnt been in the best state of mind though

I know I haven't....”

Little-K1ng: “not to cool motive still murder at him but, running around drenched in blood as a hybrid in this type of neighborhood isnt. exactly a good look. and not too many folks are gonna take "i was upset" as an answer”

Maxwell: “yeah...i wish i knew where he was...”

Little-K1ng: “i should- i should wake up marcus-... does marcus know?”

Maxwell: “no though im surprised marcus didnt wake up when i started crying

i...cried a lot when he said he was scared to come home”

Little-K1ng: “oh max..... that hug is still on the table?”

Maxwell: “yes please”

Little-K1ng: “uwu;;”

Maxwell: “thanks mona...”

Little-K1ng: “anytime

!! and i mean that”

Maxwell: “i know you do, ha

now how to we wake the shithead....”

Little-K1ng: “ah, cold water

maybe sit on him

dip his hand in warm water prank?”

Maxwell: “jump on his stomach”

Little-K1ng: “something light hearted

and sibling-like ;)))”

Maxwell: “we could slap em”

Little-K1ng: “forgive me if im in like, way too good a mood. just coping with shock i guess”

Maxwell: “nah its fair...”

Little-K1ng: “hard to believe its real, ill try to contact his blog again

damn, that ask i sent without actually checking mustve been uh, Not The Vibe”

Maxwell: “....im gonna hit marcus with a pillow”

Little-K1ng: “yes please”

Maxwell: “not really he answered it saying he was sorry

WAKE UP BITCH!”

Marcus: “ow”

Maxwell: “we need to talk”

Marcus: “dude

what the fuuuck”

Maxwell: “important talk time

wake up”

Marcus: “Is fetch here?”

Maxwell: “so, fetch aint coming home tonight...”

Marcus: “What’s going on?”

Little-K1ng: “hey marcus...

im.... home....”

Marcus: “.....hi

..whats going on?”

Maxwell: “he left the gas station after knight started trying to take control with as we know suffocates him and he got bad sensory overload and then he--”

Little-K1ng: “max, do you want to keep going?”

Marcus: “Why do I feel like I’m in trouble you both look....off”

Little-K1ng: “you dont have to”

Maxwell: “no no im good just one second please....”

Little-K1ng: “take a few breaths, its alright”

Marcus: “.........”

Little-K1ng: “ive got you, ill hold you dont worry”

Maxwell: “Okay....fetch...killed one of the employees...Lawrence”

Marcus: “.....he...

...”

Little-K1ng: “im so sorry marcus...”

Maxwell: “he wasnt himself...he was talking through his blog to us as himself but knight was too....”

Little-K1ng: “ill give you a bit to process... the shock hasnt actually worn off for me yet..”

Marcus: “....fetch

...w..hy?”

Maxwell: “he kept switching back and forth between the too and lawrence came into the bathroom when he was pissed and fetch wanted to get knight to shut up...

so he tried to scare knight....not realizing hed gone too far...”

Marcus: “........”

Maxwell: “when he snapped out of it he had no memory of what hed just done and he was panicking and...crying....”

Marcus: “...I don’t... I don’t like this

Please tell me this is a joke”

Maxwell: “he said he didnt wanna come back home because he thought I was scared of him...”

Marcus: “Please pleasepleasepleaseplease”

Little-K1ng: “im checking his blog right now...... and uh.....

yeah no.. its not a joke

its a fucking horrorshow”

Marcus: “no no nonononononononono”

Little-K1ng: “marcus, do you want a hug also? or do you not want touched”

Marcus: “stop please stop stopstop”

Little-K1ng: “its a lot to take in...”

Maxwell: “i tried to get him to come home....i called him my brother....”

Little-K1ng: “im having so much trouble convincing myself its real”

Maxwell: “but...knight wouldnt let him”

Marcus: “no it’s not it’s not it’s not it didn’t happen nonononono”

Little-K1ng: “i havent even. caught up to the part where im supposed to be upset or angry. i just. i just want him home and safe and warm where i can see him i just..”

Maxwell: “he had control over the two of them...but fetch got control bacck and left but I dont know where im sorry”

Marcus: “it didn’t no nonono”

Little-K1ng: “i-..im going to sit down next to you marcus, but dont worry, i wont invade your space im just worried i might faint”

Marcus: “nothing happened everything’s okayokayokay it’s okay it’s fine everything’s fine”

Little-K1ng: “thats alright marcus, its okay. denial is okay for a while”

Maxwell: “putain

mona look”

Little-K1ng: “it helps it set in better as a gentle present

yeah?”

Maxwell: “flowers....”

Marcus: “everythings fine it’s fine it’s fine finefinefine”

Little-K1ng: “o-oh...

oh marcus.....”

Marcus: “its fine

everything’s okay”

Little-K1ng: “marcus... loosen the grip on your hair, okay? you're gonna pull too hard

you might yank some of the flowers-”

Marcus: “no nononono

Maxwell: “Ah putain putain putain!”

Little-K1ng: “marcus, please-

please give me your hands, if you can, i dont want you to hurt yourself,”

Marcus: “everything’s fine everything’s going to be okay it’s fine it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay”

Little-K1ng: “exactly”

Maxwell: “marcus please”

Little-K1ng: “shhh sh sh sh just stop pulling your hair, just calm down, deep breaths”

Marcus: “its..it’s okay it’s fine

nothing happened it’s fine”

Little-K1ng: “marcus-

its okay to say nothing happened but... you have to come to terms with it at some point. i just want to know you're okay”

Marcus: “im fineimfine”

Little-K1ng: “you're fine, marcus

you're fine, i promise”

Marcus: “im..fine

...im fine”

Maxwell: “you aint”

Marcus: “..I’m.....im fine

I’m fine :)”

Maxwell: “youre not”

Marcus: “I’m ⎎⟟⋏⟒”

Maxwell: “NO”

Marcus: “-!

w-what?”

Little-K1ng: “WHAT

what

okay

let me not

let me not yell

okay

hhhhhh

marcus?

nnnnnoooooOO okay okay”

Marcus: “....”

Little-K1ng: “vwoop vwoop dont do that”

marcus...?: “...”

Maxwell: “No....”

marcus...?: “..I..”

Maxwell: “please no....”

Little-K1ng: “marcus...?”

marcus...?: “.....

..yeah?”

Little-K1ng: “are you...... is that like... "you"?

are you sure you're still marcus? i wont be mad

you tend to just kind of.... accept it”

marcus...?: “I’m...

...hm”

Little-K1ng: “you can think about it if you want

ill call you by whoever you are”

marcus...?: “....”

Little-K1ng: “your flowers are blooming and i dont know if that....... blurred the lines? or if "you" have bloomed”

marcus...?: “...I don’t know

I hate not knowing”

Maxwell: “that's okay...i didnt know for the longest time...

not like my family tried to help....”

marcus...?: “...what are they?”

Maxwell: “the flowers...?”

Little-K1ng: “they're pretty... they suit you.. at a glance, i think they're hyacinths? and... rhododendrons? huh”

Maxwell: “theyre Purple hyacinths and rhododendrons”

Little-K1ng: “yeah

do you want a mirror?”

marcus...?: “...heh

Fitting

...that’d be nice”

Little-K1ng: “here you go”

marcus...?: “....oh

Pretty”

Little-K1ng: “yeah! purple and gold is a good look”

marcus...?: “Red too”

Little-K1ng: “im........... sorry about the other night. i realized while i was at work today what i had actually said

i didnt mean it”

marcus...?: “....”

Little-K1ng: “i didnt mean to make you feel like viscount was less you than you are”

marcus...?: “......

...I don’t...want to be sad anymore

...I forgive you Mona

......sorry about this whole mess”

Little-K1ng: “that..... i dont deserve that, but ill take it

dont be...”

Maxwell: “anyone else still having slight headaches?”

marcus...?: “It’s..kind of my fault that we’re here”

Maxwell: “its not man..”

marcus...?: “...it is

I was...

I wanted to stay”

Little-K1ng: “it wasnt your fault. i left the doors open, maxwell gave himself up, fetch uh. we'll skip that one”

marcus...?: “But I got scared when...page..took off his circlet”

Little-K1ng: “when we're all to blame theres enough to go around, dont hurt yourself carrying it all”

marcus...?: “I didn’t want to leave”

Maxwell: “you helped me get away and im thankful for that”

[Maxwell: “anyone else still having slight headaches?”]

Little-K1ng: “i mean always”

marcus...?: “but you were so unhappy

And...and crown said that if you ever wanted to leave, you could

He said that

But....

But he didn’t want to let page max leave”

Little-K1ng: “he said you could leave? he might be banking on no one wanting to, which is..... surprisingly childish”

Maxwell: “thats why im confused why not just let me go...”

Little-K1ng: “almost adorable, frankly”

Maxwell: “im just a kid

well

not really”

marcus...?: “........he”

Maxwell: “im not a kid but im young”

marcus...?: “None of us

....

Before Max and fetch...

None of us...wanted to leave

We all went...for reasons

......

...I don’t like being marcus”

Maxwell: “.....”

Little-K1ng: “...you dont have to be”

marcus...?: “......”

Little-K1ng: “you can be viscount and still stay here, i wont hurt you”

marcus...?: “..........”

Maxwell: “yeah”

marcus...?: “...what about...knight fetch”

Little-K1ng: “i... they need to figure out what actually makes them happy. for that, they're gonna need time to work that out if crown wants anything lasting. but either way, neither one is gonna hold it against you”

marcus...?: “......”

Maxwell: “yeah

i know i would prefer to stay as max because....

page reminds me of who I was before I was myself....who I truly was

when i was kid who didnt know anything”

Little-K1ng: “so... page makes you feel... helpless?

vulnerable?”

Maxwell: “yeah

hes who i was before

who i am to my family

accept my family sees me as a 'she' even if I've told them im not....”

Little-K1ng: “oh ew

have no fear max, you're you. no matter what they say

same goes to you”

Maxwell: “...i....

you know how im part rat?

but dont fully look like one?”

Little-K1ng: “yeah?

Maxwell: “like fetch kids loved the make fun of me for how i looked....my grandmother gave me a necklace when I was about 10 then helped hide those features....

made my ears more human like, pointy but easier to hide

and....got rid of the other stuff

im not supposed to wear it for more than 2 weeks but i've been wearing it ever since crown took me”

Little-K1ng: “oh no is that.... like.... unhealthy??

i dont usually have to do anything to h-.... well

yknow, like i wouldnt know”

Maxwell: “.....

i hadnt taken it off cause i got so used to wearing it

and uh....didnt know what you would do”

Little-K1ng: “....do you want to take it off?”

Maxwell: “kids used to pull on my ears and yell in em

honestly?”

Little-K1ng: “honestly”

Maxwell: “yeah....my ears have been hurting because in order to hide em it squishes em”

Little-K1ng: “do you........ want us to turn around first?”

marcus...?: “We don’t have to look if you don’t want us to”

Maxwell: “perhaps it takes a second to set in and it might be helpful if you do...”

Little-K1ng: “i can chat with marcus while it... wears off i guess?

wait, marcus uh? viscount?

whichever

uh”

marcus...?: “...I don’t know”

Little-K1ng: “ill wait for confirmation on that

but uh

are you...... feeling okay?

better, at least?

i can get you some water”

marcus...?: “...I’m..yeah

....I’m alright”

[The rest of the conversation is speculation about whether Mona truly is “the fourth” member, as well as what kind of personality her court version would have. There’s only one day left before Spring is supposed to arrive, and the court members return “home”, so there’s still a possibility that Fetch might return before then]

[doctorguilty]

osdd talk playing therapist with myself in public because I dont know who else to talk to but i my blog makes me feel like im talking to someone jdshskdgfdh

the more research I do about DID the more sense everything fucking makes like I’m angry, like usual, at all the mental health practices I’ve been to throughout my life that completely dismissed all the REALLY important details of the experiences I would describe and be like, I diagnose you like Depression (tm), at best I got c-ptsd from the best therapist I sadly couldnt see very long due to moving, and I also got bpd though every time I see a new therapist they think their job is to debunk my bpd???? cause I don’t fit the stereotypes or whatever so like Good Luck myself for EVER getting a professional to help me with this, I don’t care, I’m not even fucking bothering like going out of my way for it 

I’m am pretty confident I fall under secondary structural dissociation (overlapping like, textbook with my bpd and c-pstd, and I’m not sure about the OSDD/DID part perfectly though I’m leaning to OSDD-1? I think that would like, cover the most of me? hm i’m not sure 

anyway I understand what’s going on here I FINALLY understand, what I have going on is two (at least two? I can distinguish two right now) ANP’s, aka host personalities, aka parts that manage every day life like work, socializing, etc and I’ll shift between them frequently, like multiple times a day probably most days. which explains super fucking well why I’m ...incredibly detached from my trauma most of the time but can be so hypersensitive to triggers, cause evidently ANP’s don’t integrate trauma and that’s what the EP’s are for and this was a thing with me omg, I was going to EMDR therapy before I had to move in attempts to process trauma??? I didn’t get very far and even the little I did the results were like, super funky, I think thats cause my shit didn’t end at c-ptsd that was just the beginning aughhhh 

SO I GET IT OK i get it.... this is why for no explicable reason I would start disliking my name or my outward identity STILL even without it being a gender dysphoria thing because Seth is only one ANP, and there’s another one, (like ig still making the assumption there’s only two but thats currently how its looking), and I’ve been thinking about it like, what to call that, well, I guess, that’s me like kfjldsg me typing at this moment I’ve been just like??? so confused but hey Lore this is why a bit ago I made that post saying I wanted to go by Guilty more online. like seth is still fine that’s my name irl too it doesn’t bother me being called that but there was still something dysphoric about it?? 

so I know it might be cheesy to like pick names out of my online handle stuff but ;; it’s stuff I’m used to being called and I like it and it’s been with me for years now....... but I think guilty is a perf name to like, refer to the whole system or just like anyone present, I think... for myself I really like Doc, I was making that a nickname but i mean, i dont know if i’d want a whole new name you know like? Doc sounds pretty good and a lot of mutuals were already calling me that!! 

I think the split between ANP’s is probably like, close to 50/50, like it defs depends on situations and stuff like work and social situations, who I’m talking to online? 

and then I have those emotional parts, like glitter, and more I havent namedropped yet, I was calling those alters but I think I like it better calling them EP’s, I think ANP and EP speaks more to me than host and alters and such 

omg but!! yea! wow! like I was saying last night? I think? the more I come to understand the infinitely better I feel, like esp with the EP’s every time I’ve made mental/emotional headway on that everyone involved felt better so it’s like fuck it, I’ll do all the psychological work myself (slaps my own ass) 

i think ultimately I might round this all up in a page on my blog or something,I was iffy to do a sys page but i’m like... wistful I guess like idk where else i could express this stuff ,I cant in everyday life, but i want to! idk I’ll think more abt that later though for now I’ll tag all my stuff so i dont lose it for reference

idk who in their right mind woulda read all this but if you did congrats and like?? if you want to ask any questions you’re welcome to 

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[keith-is-not-an-emo]

which fics are you reading atm if you don’t mind sharing? ty!

Oh boy anon, oh boy.

You don’t know what you’ve done.

There will be E rated fics but they won’t solely be smut fics or too extreme.

edit: it seems like you can’t access the post from your dashboard so you have to be on my blog to see it *sighs* good job tumblr, like always.

star-crossed by realfakedoors (or anything they write, you’ll be seeing a lot of that here)

They said, once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a peaceful and prosperous kingdom, rich in romance and tradition. They said the Prince would host a ball, and choose his spouse, and they would live happily ever after.Well, they lied.

–

Keith is a Prince, and Lance lives with his shitty extended family. Neither of them are very happy, and when they meet, they’re surprised to have so much in common. Strangers, to friends, and then, well…

Meanwhile, Hunk is a sweetheart, Pidge is an iconic asexual, Shiro is a supportive Knight Dad™, Allura isn’t here for anyone’s crap, and there’s some political shit going on that forces them all together.

okay so how do i say it? it might be fave kl fic atm. this is my dirty laundry, my on thin ice. i love eveeery thing about it. i literally drop anything im doing if i see it updated. Also the last chapter? got me Shook.

also i KNOW about that big E rating there but the smut is in only one chap and i think the author marked it so it’s totally complementary and doesn’t add anything to the story so don’t worry.

breakfast on the moon by DairyFarmer (also very very recommended author!!)

Future Prom King, student body president, and all around hottie Lance McClain is abducted from his home in Arizona in 1997.

He is found decades later in the clearance section of an Earth paraphernalia store by the Paladins of Voltron.

another one of my big faves atm. everyone is very attentive of lance which is *clenches fist and wipes tear* very good. also it screams future langst and i cant wait :) (im kind of a langst hoe sorry not sorry)

let’s play pretend and hope it comes true by fevered_dreams

The Kingdom of Altea was quickly heading towards ruin. At least, it had been until the Royal Family’s eldest daughter had been born as an alpha. The people had rejoiced at her birth, and there was hope yet for a new ruler and a future secured. Even the fact that the second Royal Child had been born a beta couldn’t dampen their spirits.

Except Lance was not an beta. He was just an omega, trying his best to keep the charade going with a set of spells, pills, and all the tinctures he could brew because being an omega was dangerous. Being an omega made him something to be had, a rusted tool of barter worth less than scraps in return, and Altea couldn’t afford to let him go.

But, if Lance’s luck would have it, Prince Keith of the Blade wouldn’t mind being lied to too much.

okay okay in my defence, this one STILL doesn’t have smut. only kinda steamy make-out sessions. also don’t let the a/b/o scare you, there is talk about the dynamics but not so much in the sexual way, u’kno?

anything by BleuSarcelle, but if i have to chose one, let’s go with Of Pink Freckles and Green Moles

Lance now can see the boy’s face and he can only stare at the pretty color in the boy’s eyes before he’s suddenly being squished by two hands.

“Papa!” the boy shouts happily back at the adult that makes his way other them hurriedly. The boy hardly notices, still too fixed on squeezing Lance’s cheeks for a second longer before he giggles. “Papa, ugly!”

“Keith, no! Oh my god -”

“Ugly,” the boy repeats obliviously, patting Lance’s cheeks with a proud gleam in his eyes. “Ooh-gly!”

Lance doesn’t know what that word means but for some reason, it makes him cry harder.

[Or the one where Keith and Lance meet when they are two and three years old respectively and spend their entire childhood going through charity contests. Lance says they are rivals, Keith only hears ‘best friends’.]

super cute G kidfic.

Ground Control to Major Tom by yourfavoritetsundre

A year after Keith and Lance have a big falling out, Lance is…well, he’s not missing. He’s fine. He’s just not telling anyone where he is. Keith decides maybe the best way to apologize for being an absolute monster is to track him down.

Following Lance’s path of self-discovery, Keith starts to remember all the things about Lance he had buried years before. Because of the war, because of the Blade, because of Allura. And he starts to realize that maybe he’s to blame for more than he thought.

Meanwhile, Curtis just wants to plan his quiznacking wedding.

post-s8 fic

Written in Sand by MuseofWriting

Lance wakes up in a hospital on Earth to discover he has been missing for four months, with no memory of Voltron or the Galra. Drawn inexplicably to the desert where they found him, he discovers a hut full of research and notes that may provide the key to his missing memories. With secrets and conspiracies surrounding him, and the Garrison potentially hiding far more than he could ever have imagined, Lance grows to trust the notes in the desert - but he may not believe the person who claims he wrote them.

this one has been around for a while (a year to be precise) and i thinks its pretty aknowledged in the fandom but *shrugs* 

until we get there by starlightment

Sometimes his mind is cruel. He’ll wake in the dead of night, drowning in his sweat, choking on his tears. He’ll clutch at old bedsheets until his knuckles fade to white. He’ll shiver in the darkness, and the light blue marks beneath his eyes will start to burn, and his lungs will heave, aching for a breath that just isn’t there.

And sometimes Keith comes to visit.

Those are the best days, Lance thinks.

Those are the days when it’s easiest to breathe.

—

Or: Lance loses himself a little bit, but Keith is there to help him find it again.

post-s8 fic. i think i dont even need to present they author since they’re better know for writing something blue (i heard wonders abt it but havent found the chance to read it yet). also i cant fucking wait for their new fic like im vibrating here on my seat bc i LOVEEEE the trope of jock keith / nerd/prep lance dont judge me

sunflower by xintong (uuh i think i dont have to introduce this author either lmao)

On the morning of their first summer back on Earth, Lance receives a gift of sunflowers. A confession, a rejection, and the passage of time, all leading to the one person who’s always been there for him.

another post-s8 fic because honestly i needed healing at that time okay. super soft and cute and uuughhhh i cant deal

Pretty Ob(li)vious by msmooseberry

Lance loves make-up and being pretty while wearing it. Unfortunately, even in the world where Earth becomes one of the main centres of intergalactic communication and home to many races, his hobbies are still largely frowned upon. He never wanted other cadets at the Galaxy Garrison to find out, especially not his half-Galra crush, but that is exactly what happens. Lance prepares for the hate or ridicule at best, but the reaction he gets is something else entirely. Who knew Galra viewed lilac sparkly lips as a betrothal symbol?

keith finding lance the most beautiful being ever? uuh yeah? gimme that shit

Chestnut And Onyx by MilkTeaMiku (great author too!)

If his eyes weren’t deceiving him, Keith looked a little flushed. He crossed his arms over his chest, wings all puffed up and ruffled like he was preening. “I didn’t know you were that flexible,” he said. And then he looked angry, and his wings puffed up even more, and he stormed away. -Lance thinks his wings aren’t all that pretty, but Keith has other ideas. If only Lance knew.

langst wing-fic. what could i ask more for?

you’re lucky that’s what i like by zenstrike

Lance rescues a hamster from certain doom.

or, Lance has Keith wrapped around his little finger and doesn’t even realize it.

just. take the whole fucking thing. just take it

aaand these are the ones that appear on my feed that have been updated recently since most of them aren’t finished (sowwy). the bad thing about reading a lot of fics and having bad memory is that i already forgot half of my fave fics, probably, lmao.

[1112lw]

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so 

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s 

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears 

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so 

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so 

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb 

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so 

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget 

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked 

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so 

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep 

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically 

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if 

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY 

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old 

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so 

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no 

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal 

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee 

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school 

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official​ @ace-landofthesun​ @dorkalisious​ and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.

[chocosvt]

||↠11 questions tag 🖋

tagged by: @mansaeboysbe and @sunnysidewrites! thnk u my lovs.

tagging: @whatsoodo , @bfwooz , @jishua , @teeyongs + anyone else who wants to answer the questions. ill leave my own 11 for u to answer at the bottom of the post.

it’s been awhile since ive last done a tag game. i know tht im still behind on quite a few erfhnerf but ill try my best to take more initiative w/ these things. also disclaimer; sorry if my answers are kilometers long, it should be fairly obvious at this point i never shut the fuck up.

anyways, here are the q’s im answering in case u wanna see a specific answer :^)

01: weirdest present you have recieved? 02: coloured pencils, markers, or crayons? 03: what colour would you dye your hair? 04: which concept would you pick for which group? 05: sweet or sour candy? 06: favourite quirk on an idol? 07: would you rename a fandom? 08: something you want to tell your bias? 09: kpop MV you would want and not want to get stuck in? 10: an AU you’ve always wanted to write? 11: use memes to describe 2017 and how you want 2018 to go.

[01]. weirdest present you’ve ever received?

my pals and i always exchange weird presents for one another’s birthdays! it’s pretty much a tradition at this point, tho im not sure when or how it began? im pretty sure my last birthday card had caillou on it or something lol, and at one point we got our pal a can of peaches, a container of straws, tissue packages n a remote control, all with lil puns on them.

but the weirdest gift ive ever recieved? uhh, it was probably this miniature cotton candy machine tht my friends spent way too much on, primarily bc we only used it the day i opened it. u took hard candies and put them in the machine and eventually they would be spun into the actual floss tht makes cotton candy. it was cool but my mom threw it out eventually lol.

[02]. coloured pencils, markers, or crayons?

definitely coloured pencils. markers and crayons don’t rly have an exact tip. well, unless ure using a fine-tip marker. and there’s something rly satiating abt having sharp, clean writing or outlining. i was the kid who outlined all my fucking drawings and shaded them in with coloured pencils. miss me w/ tht crayon, marker shit. also, the sound wood makes when its being sharpened? tht was my favourite part.

[03]. if you could dye your hair any colour, what would it be?

honestly ive never thought of dying my hair. i like the colour how it is, which is sort of a darker blonde/slightly goldish shade. im not sure what would fit my face? i can only see myself going beach blonde. i feel like any other colour would be a disaster on my hair and i already damage it enough bc i straighten it every few days.

[04]. which concept would you pick for which group?

i know clc just did a badass concept with their “crystyle” album (which is one of the best albums of 2017 so jot tht the fuck down) and i absolutely adore their cute concepts as well bc we got bops like “pepe” n “high heels” BUT GOD I WANT THEM TO DO ANOTHER BADASS CONCEPT I BECAME ADDICTED TO IT. IT K*LLED ME TO SEE SEUNGHEE IN ALL BLACK WEARING THOSE THIGH-HIGH BOOTS I DI*ED THEN RESURRECTED IN THE SAME BREATH. i find them to be super versatile, they can go either way and ill support them no matter the concept. their quality of music never decreases. but yep, id pick another badass concept for the ladies.

[05]. sweet or sour candy?

sweet sweet sweet!! to be fair i luv pretty much all candies, minus jolly ranchers bc ive consumed so many of them tht if i see another fucking jolly rancher i will strap myself to a rocket. ANYWAYS, definitely sweet. my favourite candies (not keeping chocolate in mind bc chocolate overrules everything) would be swedish berries and werther’s caramel. for sour candies i would choose sour patch kids and sour keys!! obviously i would d*e for candy so let’s just get tht out of the mf’ way.

[06]. favourite quirk of an idol?

oh gosh. imma have 2 think for this one. the image tht comes to me exactly is junhui’s tendency to curl into whoever is next to him! most likely when he does something embarrassing, he retreats into a tiny mass of stuffy giggling and sis, it’s the best thing on the face of this planet. he’s rly such a shy flower. also, joshua’s habit of covering his mouth when he laughs is v v endearing to me. i believe it goes to show his politeness, though it can also be a characteristic of someone who’s timid, to which i think both reasons apply here. i wish i could think of more bc im certain there are a ton belonging 2 my favourite idols, but im highkey drawing a blank.

[07]. would you rename a fandom? what would the name be?

hmm. im not someone who pays close attention to fandom names. hoshi could have very well kept us as mounteens and i wouldnt give a single cherry n a half, though at this point carats is a lot more fitting and we’ve all grown attached to it. honestly, im not tht keen on red velvet and fx’s fandom names? i know tht in red velvet’s case the option “cupcakes” was up for grabs so when in comparison to reveluv’s i’m pretty thankful the latter was chosen. im not entirely sure what i would name the fandom, so respect to whoever is in charge of the titling. as for fx, they deserved to get their fanclub name much sooner. again im not someone who cares a whole lot abt fandom names, but it would have been cool if the fandom was some mathematical formula lol.

[08]. something you want to tell your bias?

BITCH. THE PRESSURE. if i were 2 meet junhui in person i would be such a nervous wreck i wouldnt even trust myself to speak. boi, if i even spotted him on the street i’d beeline in opposite direction so fast i would just be a fucking blur of light and potential tears. there would be many things i’d want to relay to him, honestly if we were just to hang out at a café or some location like tht with the time to talk and understand one another, i’d be like “hold tht thought, gerald” n drop a whole fucking novel on the table with reasons i appreciate him. i guess i’d want junhui to know how his efforts have certainly been acknowledged and that each quirk in his personality brings a lot of comfort/inner happiness to those who are still unsure abt themselves.

i’d also like for him to know tht whilst his visual is amazing, tht is not the only remarkable thing tht makes junhui, junhui. it’s his kindness, gentle heart, and optimism. essentially i’d want him to know tht his hard work is being noticed, how much delight he brings by being himself, and tht he has many qualities he should be confident in.

[09]. which kpop M/V would you want, and not want, to get stuck in?

i’ve already answered the first half 2 this question in a previous ask, but red velvet’s ice cream cake! it has to be one of my all-time favourite music videos solely bc i luv the usage of soft colours. not to mention they’re having hella fun with their fuzzy glow-coats and dancing around a parlour eating cake? like what the fuck, i don’t know what kind of cult this is but i want in! also tht means i would get to be joy’s lesbian luver and nothing else brings me greater elation.

a kpop music video i would not want to get stuck in is exo - wolf. there doesnt need to be an explanation. we already know the answer.

[10]. which AU have you always wanted to write but haven’t?

okay, first of all, bitch. there are abt one million au’s i wanna explore so inexplicably bad but i just havent gotten the time or the energy to compile the research/plan the plot. for starters, since opening this blog over two years ago, ive always wanted to write something with a serial killer. which sounds a bit scary and fucked but i absolutely lov thriller/horror movies. ive watched pretty much all of them. i find the suspension and how the scenes manipulate your body to be something unique in tht moment and to build the talent to be able to write such an AU would be my mf’ goal. it would most likely be very long and graphic, but my descriptive brain would chew tht up.

more au’s bordering along the dark line would be ghosts, vampires and demons. those are most fascinating to me. if a softer light, i’d like to write a surfer!au (specifically for joshua) and an android!au.

[11]. use a meme to describe how your 2017 went and how you want your 2018 to go.

my 2017 was somethin like this:

and i’d like my 2018 to be a lil like this:

[MY QUESTIONS]

01: would you rather explore outer space or the ocean? 02: do you wear any makeup? 03: two idol groups you’d like to collab? 04: if you could only listen to three svt songs, what would they be? 05: dusk or dawn? 06: show a picture of your handwriting? 07: what is your favourite word that’s in another language? 08: the countryside or the city? 09: what’s better in a muse, humour or kindness? 10: choose three idols. one to be your best friend, bro/sis, and spouse. 11: something you didnt do in 2017 that you want to do in 2018?

don’t feel tht this tag is mandatory! i hope everyone has been staying healthy n well n i wish for u all 2 experience good things in the new year! <3

[casey-face]

i know all ive been doing lately is blogging about this boy, but i cant stop thinking about him

it's supposed to be bad luck to celebrate a birthday before it happens, but the group couldnt find another way to get together so on saturday a friend baked cake, and we gave him presents and even though i personally think one of my friend's gifts was better than mine (she drew a map of our world, and i gave him a set of dice and a wooden dm screen) he kept saying he always wanted a dm screen like that, and was so excited he carried it around the house (i think he did this more for my benefit than his)

and when we went to bed at 5am he held me close and told me i was winning, doing everything right, and that he cares very deeply for me. i echoed him the last and it's terrifying seeing as it will only be two months next week, but ive also never felt so comfortable as being in his arms and hearing his sweet nothings. he brushed my back even though he usually falls asleep immediately, and when i told him so he said he was just enjoying laying with me, and we laid like that for a long time before we drifted off.

monday was his actual birthday, and even though he had to work, he wanted to go fishing in the evening. we had an impromptu first meeting with my dad (all he had to say was that my boy looks like a caveman) and we went to the beach with the kid and the roommate, and eventually two other buddies joined us, and i got way too drunk too fast and watched him live his passion and he had more fun than i ever saw him have since i met him. towards evening i overheard him talking with our friend, telling her that he was amazed he's kept me this long, and how thankful he was for that.

i havent talked to him since then. it's become routine to sort of lose each other in the day to day mix. this weekend will be different, though. i dont know if i'll see him. and i dont feel like i have to play games or anything; we'll find our ways back to each other whether it's tomorrow or a week from now. but i hope he calls me first. i hope this past weekend was the start of maybe the first time i could experience something as beautiful as what could be love. i want to love him. i hope he wants to love me too.

[barblebapkins]

every question (that you wanna do) 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

im gonna try to answer as many of these as i can, get ready to learn more about me than you wanted to!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? i dont even remember, probably my ex ~4 years ago

2. Are you outgoing or shy? very shy hahaha it keeps me from forming relationships with people!

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my friend and co-worker who’s been gone for a few weeks

4. Are you easy to get along with? i think so?? i dont think i’m annoying or asshole-ish

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? who again

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? romantically, people who i click with personality-wise

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? no?? i’ve been in the same fucking rut for years now what would change in the next two months

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? nobody in particular

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? depends, in general no not really, when i’m being asked about it specifically, yes it does

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? i feel sad that i cant remember this one lmao

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? me thanking a co-worker for covering for me yesterday

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? i dont even know anymore i’m just listening to numbing void shit recently

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? it doesnt really bother me, my cousin used to do it. i’ve been keeping my hair short enough where theres not much to play with though

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? kinda? i need more room/time than this questionnaire to go into detail about it

15. What good thing happened this summer? the summer just started so i dont really know yet?? but my family is leaving for like a week so i’ll have a whole empty air-conditioned house to myself!!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? hasnt happened yet!

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? who doesnt

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? that didnt turn out well so no

19. Do you like bubble baths? i havent taken a bath in general in a long time (i always shower) but i wouldnt mind one,,,

20. Do you like your neighbors? i dont know them very well, the people to our left have known our family since my dad was a kid but i never really talk to them

21. What are your bad habits? i drink too much soda and sleep late

22. Where would you like to travel? honestly anywhere, i just want to travel. maybe italy, see where my family is from

23. Do you have trust issues? is the sky blue

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? coming home after work and taking a shower is like a blessing from god

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? surprisingly none of it. my height is still something that bothers me now and then, but i’ve come to accept everything at this point

26. What do you do when you wake up? if i have work, get ready for that. if not, go back to SLEEP

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i wish i didnt sunburn so easily

28. Who are you most comfortable around? *points at lazypurple staff discord* they are my closest friends at this point

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? no lol

30. Do you ever want to get married? i’d like to one day yes

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? i just had it cut yesterday so no, and it wasnt before that either

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?? what the fuck

33. Spell your name with your chin. dfghZn (not even close)

34. Do you play sports? What sports? none sports

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? i watch almost no tv besides keeping up with SU, which i do online anyway

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing?? isnt that why theyre awkward silences??

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? i like book stores and also antique stores upstate

40. What do you want to do after high school? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? situational. if someone did something shitty on purpose and meant to harm me, i’d have a hard time putting it behind me tbh

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? 50/50 i’m either sad or zoning out

43. Do you smile at strangers? yes!! i try to be as nice to everyone as possible, there isnt enough of it out there

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? i thought this would be a hard decision but space was almost immediately the answer

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? the amazon echo i bought the other day wakes me up at 7 am every morning heha

46. What are you paranoid about? literally everything

47. Have you ever been high? no

48. Have you ever been drunk? nop

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no not really i am a good egg

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? i dont wear hoodies often but my favorite coat is a dark greyish color

51. Ever wished you were someone else? someone in particular, no, but a different person in general

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my paranoia and depression, it literally ruins everything i ever want to do or say

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont?? know

54. Favourite store? i dont actually shop there but whenever i pass by yankee candle its like a scent explosion

55. Favourite blog? all of my mutuals!!

56. Favourite colour? #0A3210

57. Favourite food? i honestly can not get enough of grilled shrimp its the only seafood i tolerate

58. Last thing you ate? b0rger

59. First thing you ate this morning? i had a honeycrisp apple on the way out the door to work

60. Ever won a competition? For what? dont think so, nothing worth remembering anyway

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nope good egg

62. Been arrested? For what? good egg

63. Ever been in love? yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never happened hahaha

65. Are you hungry right now? yes i need to find food but this questionnaire is DISTRACTING ME

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i dont have tumblr friends lmfao, but i love my friends on discord more than anyone else

67. Facebook or Twitter? i dont use either anymore

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr i guess though i HATE it

69. Are you watching tv right now? nop i dont have tv in my room

70. Names of your bestfriends? @mutuals from lazypurple staff discord 😍

71. Craving something? What? food andattention

72. What colour are your towels? we have a bunch of colored towels without rhyme or reason

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? just one, i used to have two but my brother STOLE IT

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no but my styrofoam gordon freeman standup from comic-con keeps watch while i slumber

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? none, just gordon

75. Favourite animal? i used to love snakes when i was a kid and i still do

76. What colour is your underwear? black with red and white stripes

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? choc

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? what did i JUST say

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? im still in my red five guys work shirt whoops

80. What colour pants? blue denim jeans cos i havent changed yet

81. Favourite tv show? i used to watch game of thrones but stopped caring about it, all i really watch is steven universe when a new ep comes out

82. Favourite movie? i watched up the other day and remembered how much i love it

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? there was a mean girls 2??

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? i have not seen either in a very long time

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? ^

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? bruce the shark is an underrated character

87. First person you talked to today? my dad i think?? im tired in the morning leave me alone

88. Last person you talked to today? today is not over but i spoke to friedn in discord a little while ago

89. Name a person you hate? *looks in the mirror*

90. Name a person you love? *looks at discord* how many times are you gonna make me give the same answer

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? me!!!

92. In a fight with someone? not at the immediate present but there are people i wouldnt mind not running into

93. How many sweatpants do you have? i think like three for four pairs but i only wear them in the winter

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? i dont really wear sweaters or hoodies

95. Last movie you watched? up, a few days ago

96. Favourite actress? i dont really keep track

97. Favourite actor? ^

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? a dog whom i love

100. How are you feeling? i was feeling okay when i started this and slowly descended into a mild sadness along the way lmao

101. Do you type fast? pretty fast i think, havent taken a test in a while

102. Do you regret anything from your past? where do i begin

103. Can you spell well? above average i think

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? i sometimes sort of miss my ex, but then i remember that i dont need her

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes, once a year

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? no, not that i know of

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes actually! it sucked

108. What should you be doing? still havent eaten!

109. Is something irritating you right now? my headache

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? y eah

111. Do you have trust issues? ?? didnt they already ask this like 40 questions ago

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i dont cry in front of people

113. What was your childhood nickname? ry-bread

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes, but never left the east coast

115. Do you play the Wii? not in a long time, but i’ve been meaning to get a gamecube memory card and play wind waker again

116. Are you listening to music right now? nop, headache hurts too much

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yes kinda, i dont like soup a whole lot but chicken noodle is one of the ones i do like

118. Do you like Chinese food? yes

119. Favourite book? i was never much of a book reader anymore but i loved what i read of sherlock holmes

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no i love the dark

121. Are you mean? no!! im good! i think,

122. Is cheating ever okay? no, people put their trust and faith in you, and taking that for granted is one of the worst things a person can do

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? probably not?? i dont wear white shoes though

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? not really, i think it takes time and effort

125. Do you believe in true love? yes i do

126. Are you currently bored? i wouldnt be taking this if i wasnt

127. What makes you happy? feeling secure and cared about!!!!

128. Would you change your name? nah im ok with it

129. What your zodiac sign? leo

130. Do you like subway? no it sucks. jersey mikes is the same thing but so much better

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? dont know?? cant relate

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? yeah this quiz is repeating questions to take up space

133. Favourite lyrics right now? hehe i listened to a song sung by christine ebersole (the supposed voice of white diamond) and the lyrics are stuck in my head

134. Can you count to one million? is this a question of ability or will?? cos i can but i will not

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? idk off the top of my head and do Not feel like thinking back on stuff like that rn

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

137. How tall are you? like 5′3′’ or 5′4′’ or something

138. Curly or Straight hair? no preference all hair is good hair

139. Brunette or Blonde? no preference

140. Summer or Winter? i dont like either, but if i had to choose, winter cos i hate being sweaty

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? october is BEST

143. Are you a vegetarian? no im vegan

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark pls

145. Tea or Coffee? i dont drink either really but if i know i hate coffee so tea i guess

146. Was today a good day? i guess, im tired though

147. Mars or Snickers? i hate peanuts so i guess mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? I have bad news, guys. I’m steven…

149. Do you believe in ghosts? yes! one tried to suck my DICK

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? i got my old four swords manga but it doesnt have PAGE NUMBERS fuck this question

[clareweightloss-blog]

NEW TO BLOGGING!

Good Evening Everyone !

My name is Clare and i decided to open a blog to keep a record of my journey as i lose weight and maybe even possibly help someone along the way.

Abit about my background: Iv been over weight since i can remember, even at school as a child i was the ‘broad’ one. As a teenager i was the girl who had hips and boobs like a young woman and was often mistaken for being much older, the only give away was my chubby baby face. I had my first child at 18 years old and gained a ton more weight. I was young and i didnt even consider trying to lose weight or diet my main priority at that time was my gorgeous little boy who i was smittened with. Then of course life happens, i had a break up and threw myself into work and the party scene as a 21 year old. It didnt help my weight at all and i just wondered through life not really caring about my health. I had a very low esteem due to some personal circumstances that i went through which i wouldnt like to discuss here. I then had my second child at 28 years old a very long 10 years later and this leads us to the present. I am not 29 years old and looking at 30 this november. I promised myself i would not turn 30 this size.

I have been low carb dieting on and off for a number of years now. At christmas 2016 i decided that it.. im not playing anymore..i mean business! I spent so long losing a stone here, a stone there and then regaining it within weeks. Its just always felt impossible to keep it off.

So i began researching again all about low carbing and i came across something called ‘keto’. From my understanding its very simular to low carb (atkins) but according to reports and the research i found its suppost to be more manageable and for a much longer period of time. I have only had sucess losing weight with the atkins/low carb diet to date so i figured keto would be well worth trying since the reason i usually give up on the atkins is because its so restricting and i always got to a point when i just felt like ‘i cant take this anymore’.

So i researched it endlessly and i started keto! WOW i have to say i havent looked back since. I somehow just know this is right for me. i feel amazing everyday, full of energy and im losing weight!!!! YEY !!

I’ve learned over the last 6 weeks that you CAN have a cheat meal here and there without any massive negative effects on my weight! Iv had about 3 cheat meals so far in 6 weeks and iv had the strength to get right back on plan the next day. Although i have to be honest i DID massively feel like utter rubbish for a day or two after and now i dont feel the need to have a cheat meal anytime soon. Im sure that could change any day tho since i am still human.

Anyways, I hope to connect with some new people on here who will be supportive and enjoy reading my Journey !

Clare xo

This picture is me at my highest weight ever - it was taken not long after i had my daughter in 2016  - You will notice i NEVER took full body pictures

[pepperminthealing-blog]

Day 1

I want to start this blog stating that I’m going to attempt to write everyday, and maybe even more than one a day. The events of this blog will not be in chronological order, it’s going by what is really tearing my heart apart that day, where my mind wanders. 

I want to say thank you for whoever reads this, and I hope through my healing it may give you some insight in your own life, or better understanding of whatever. Or even if you’re just curious, I hope it tickles your feather I suppose.

On we go.

A month and a half ago I met someone, and we had the instant click. Whether it was because we were considerably nerdy, or because he made me feel safe during my current situations. Honestly, it was all supposed to be a joke; and thats so sickening to me knowing that I fell that low. We first met on tinder, and he would send some uh... wonderful messages. And my co-workers and I would read them and respond, then chuckle as we just kind of made fun of this guy who seemed to really be trying too hard. -Sigh- Who would of known that this guy was actually someone with a very very soft heart. We lost contact once I left my job shortly after my miscarriage and gained contact back when I returned, he was already seeing someone and I was on the line of breaking up with the person I was with at the time as well. We made rules that we wouldnt hang outside of work until we both had ended those two terms, because we wanted to be as truthful and transparent with not just one another but with them, fairness to speak. Today, I couldn’t tell you how we got to where we were that day, it was literally just a click... Maybe I was craving something that he posessed because I wasnt getting it in my own relationship? Idk. But, the first night we hung out... I knew I had to keep walking with him. He took me to Wawa at 3am, and bought me a tuna sandwich, and we drove to some dock area and talked about politcal things, hospital business and just our opinions on the world. It was freeing, connecting and intoxicating to find someone who had a like mindset as my own, that could hold an intellectual conversation on things that really mattered to me. After hours of talking, he drove me back to my car and kissed me, and it felt so tender and innocent. I think that was the moment I let my walls down, that for some stupid reason my dumb broken heart wanted to just burst and open up to someone I barely had any knowledge of. The most we talked when seperated was sexual things, and from my past expierences that was never a good sign, but WHY DID THIS FEEL DIFFERENT? Was it because he was a nurse I worked with? That I believed he didnt have the capacity to break me like anyone else could in this world? -sigh.- I slept with him that night, and the hormones our brains release during that time, started the attachment. But it also set the fear in that he would be like everyone else. I want to skip around so much because diving back into these memories have been nothing but haunting the last week, but I’m trying to remind myself that skipping details is skipping moments that could possibly heal you. As I’m writing this, I’m crying tears over this stupid guy. And calling him stupid isnt going to fix anything, because even though you guys have gotten to read down to this part, I just want to say he isnt bad at all. He didnt leave to be an asshole, he was physically ill, he had an addiction problem and I was his catnip. And asking him to stay wasnt just selfish of me, but it was deadly. I would of never forgiven myself if he relapsed because I pushed him too far. I know he cared about me, and the impression I’m giving of him already doesnt give that off, so I wanted to say that before I continued the rest of this story.

Anyways, weeks passed and James and I would have deep conversations about our lives, fantasies, dreams and things. He would care for me when I was sick, reach out and cushion the blows I would take from the break up I just endured. He would push me to take the stress of work and push through it, remind me that I’m doing it for the greater good, and that I was doing just fine. He calmed the storm in my mind for a brief period of time, while I rumbled the dark one in his. Sex and the connection we made was what he called “catnip” to him, and he tried to push me away and I pulled him right back in. Not only was I intoxicating to him, but he became just as much to me. Who wouldnt want someone who could protect them from the harsh of the world for some time?? To give them that freedom feeling that they have CRAVED to feel for years? Valentines day, he gave me 3 chokers, and they meant the absolute world to me. Not only were they ones I wanted, but they had meaning to me. They were heartfelt emotional presents, specially from him; and I felt I was flying. I think that night was the night I began the falling process, or well... I know I did. I stepped off the ledge after he told me to not move furniture into a house he was only renting. I refused to believe that, in my head I thought I could save him, that this would be different. And the signs he gave off, gave me the hope that just that was happening.

......this is the hardest part.....

The day after Valentines day, I woke up and in my stomach I felt something different. I felt like our connection was torn, I was depressed and I thought it was just maybe me. We talked all day, and everything seemed normal. But that night, when he got off his shift, he met me in the staircase at my work. The staircase where he would visit me before he left, where he told me how crazy he was for me, where we shared some of our best kisses.... The staircase I walked down to have my first in face conversation with him...I sat next to him... Him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” It always bothered me when he called me buddy, I wasnt his buddy. I was his Kitten, his baby... “I’m alright, how are you?” “Tired.”  I wanted to just slump onto him and just melt. But I could feel the tension behind his words, that there was something that he wanted to say. “Are you still coming over Thursday?” “I don’t think thats going to be a good idea, buddy.” That last sentence shattered the world that he built up with me. I pressed on asking and he began to lightly tell me how what we built up was unhealthy for him, which I didn’t understand at that moment how it was unhealthy. How our relationship was bad for him, but I wasnt. His hazel eyes stared into mine, and I could feel that wall being built between us, I felt shut out. I tried clawing at that wall, pushing, hammering everything I could to get him to tell me why he was leaving. I sat on that second stair of the top while he stood below me, asking me to tell him to leave... I couldn’t. Telling him to leave was like telling myself to drown at that moment. How in such a short period of time could one person make me feel all this in a second. I didn’t grasp how we went from one moment of bliss, to.... hell. I’m still processing through this part, and it wasn’t until last night that it all made sense to me. James expressed so many times that he didn’t want to leave, but what we had was enticing his addictive nature, which could push him to relapse. And the only way to stop that, was to stop being with me. And I felt like I was so unhealthy for him at that point, no matter what he said. But it wasnt me, it was what we had. And there was no going back from that, you can’t just build up a relationship and then change it expecting it to change with you. So, you have to end it...  Which is still hard on me, because I care deeply about him. And because I care deeply for him; I’ve started to let him distance from me.

I wrote him one final text last night expressing every little emotion I had for him, and apologizing for throwing his stuff out, which I regret so much now because I dont have an inch of his love in my house... just my bed still smells like him. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about him in a day, or how I’m still picking pieces of our relationship apart to find solutions or how BADLY I fight with myself to text him, begging him to text me back. Even after we broke up, he still wanted to come take care of me... I invited a random guy over to poke at him when we broke up, and he still came over to calm the pain in my heart once the guy left. Who does that? Not only do I know that what we have was unhealthy for him, but by the way I acted when he hurt me, was how I knew I was unhealthy for not just him... but those around me.

Moral to this story, even though its not fully finished but this is as much as I want to dive into it today is that... people are lessons. And James was the one who left pain in my soul, and that pain finally opened my eyes to how dangerous I am to people, how much pain I actually feel. I’m so for healing those around me, and saving those who need it. But... I forgot about me. I forgot that I need those things too, from myself. As of right now, I havent texted him; I’ve kept my word to let him distance, and I think he’s finally removed me from snap chat so he wont look at my stories and have the craving to return. 

As for me, well... this whole thing has made me realize that I need time to really heal and figure out me. I’ve been in and out of things in life, that I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to process what it is I’ve gone through. 

Do I love James? I think I loved the idea of being with him, and the feelings he gave me.

Do I care about him? Yes, and because of that, I don’t want to get in the way of his recovery.

Do I hope we can ever become something? At this point I think it’s healthy to say that everyone hopes they can get back with the person who just left them . I do hope we can talk one day, i miss our conversations. 

What’s next? Well, work today... I’m  dreading the day we have to run into each other at work, but that day will come and when it does, I’m going to embrace it and push through. 

I think thats enough for right now.