#ive been crying on the train for 3 hours

[sternen--staub]

I'm so fucking mad rn.

our new asshole neighbours couldn't control their dog and now our cat had to be put down.

some people just shouldn't keep dogs as pets

[pikonv5]

my job wants me gone so bad , like 1 month in and they have already brought out their no effort in communication and gaslighting full force, and telling me much of the work I am doing is wrong and accusing me of not doing the basic things like stocking, that I try so hard and am sure to keep up with being the only person working at a time? like if they are going to do this at least do it while i am on the clock..

[lo-cinno]

Hi

I’m fucking dying

[wosoragebaiter69]

but i didn't did pour the whiskey

barça femeni x reader

overview: they said getting over addiction wasn't easy, what about when no one knows? what about when relapse happens after a whole year?

A/N: my requests are sitting... but I can't get to them and im really sorry, ive been so busy atm and dont got much modivation for em'

TW: alcohol addiction, self-hatred, relapse, course language, actual detail instead of me brushing over it

!! viewer discretion is advised, i suggest only mature audiences read this !!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In all honesty, you'd seen the signs. You'd known the inevitable was coming. The feelings of urge that you'd felt a year ago when trying to stop. You had stopped though, so you ignored it. Then it became more real. To the blank stares at the crates in the stores, rather than the hatred you harboured before after finally being ‘better’.

To walking and judging if you should buy it or not.

To blinking tears out of your eyes, wondering why you'd think that in the first place.

Because why would you, you were better now. Right? That's what you'd told yourself anyways.

It kept amplifying over the course of a week. Until you couldn't take it, until everything you'd worked so hard for for the past year came crashing down. All those memories of countless nights pacing, crying, yelling over a stupid fucking substance fade away.

Guilt. That's all there is. Guilt.

Guilt for betraying your past self who had cried for hours, who felt like she was going psycho over not having a single drink.

But, you can't find it in yourself to stop drinking it. It's just one beer, how harmful could it be? Said by the words of a true fucking alcoholic.

So, you do the only thing you can think of and cry. Cry until your face is numb, your throat burning with every breath, cry until your lungs can't take in any oxygen anymore.

Cry until you feel like you've felt something.

Then when you did stop crying what did you do? The only option you thought you had. Drink more.

- - - - -

You knew you looked like shit, you felt like it too. Your face puffy from the numerous breakdowns the night before, your eyes red from the tears that had an endless flow, dark rings under your eyes from the restless 3 hour sleep you'd got.

Also not to mention the headache you'd acquired. Knowing that only last year if you'd drunk this much, you'd only start to feel something. That's not something to be proud of.

You try your hardest to make yourself look even the slightest bit presentable, getting rid of the puffy face with a shower and taking paracetamol to take away the ache in your skull.

This would do enough to convince them you were fine, it's not like you were the loudest or most obnoxious person on the team. Preferring to observe everything with a smile.

What you didn't consider? Your captains. You're only 22 so even if you're techincally an adult, they're still over 7 years older than you.

So you walk into the lockeroom for training, silently making your way to your cubby as usual. Until, you feel a tug on your sleeve. Alexia is standing there, worry etched into her features.

"You ok? It looks like you've barely slept." Her voice is low and quiet, something you were eternally grateful for.

"Yeah, just a rough night. Thanks capi." You don't lie, but you don't tell the full truth either. She can sense this but doesn't say anymore, allowing you to go back to getting ready.

You take the time to rethink of the previous night, the regret you'd felt immediately after taking the first sip. But, the feeling of being unable to stop.

No matter how much you'd told yourself it was nothing, you know this isn't the end.

You push the thoughts away, clearing your mind of any thoughts before walking out onto the field ready for training.

- - - - -

It was the same people you saw watching you; Alexia, Marta and Mapi. It wasn't every second but enough to showcase they knew something was wrong but just didn't know what.

You had joined in the summer from your old club in Italy. No one knew of the past you'd had with alcohol. It's not like you made an effort to tell them either, they respected your choices not to drink when going out and you didn't need to bring up topics that were from before even moving to Barcelona.

Maybe if they knew, you'd have someone to confide it.

Somehow you'd managed to hide it from your old team as well, but considering the close relationships that Barcelona had with each other you doubted it would be shrugged off as easily.

When training was finally over, you were quick to slip away. As the thoughts and need of what caused you in this melancholic state start to reappear in your mind.

Not now, why after so long did you have to collapse now? When the peak of your career could potentially be around the corner.

You want to survive like a normal person, you want to be able to do things without relying on a fucked up liquid. Why did it have to be you?

And why?

Why is the only thing you can think of to soothe these thoughts, alcohol?

- - - - -

You stare blankly at the open carton, hesitation as you ponder if you should give in or not. Should you drink it? Part of your mind says yes, part of you yearns for it. The rational side says no, and to stop before it's too late.

But wasn't it already?

So you give in. The burning down your throat a painfully familar comfortality.

In a depressing way it makes you more aware of your surroundings, the beer bottles scattered in the room. Liquid all over the floor and on your things. It bothers you, but you can't bring yourself to clean it.

So you sulk, going over past memories. You'd never considered yourself a sad drunk, always being happier and finding a way to goof about while drinking. Then, very rarely toward the end of recovery getting angry. Never sad though.

Times change, people change. You thought you'd changed, but that kind of addiction? It never seemed to leave. Waiting until you're vulnerable to attack. Like an incurable disease.

Before you really comprehend it, the whole box of beers you'd bought yesterday are empty and strown across the floor.

You reach a point of feeling nothing, a numbing feeling brought by guilt, the alcohol making everything seem hazy. Your phone is ringing, but you can't bring yourself to answer. You can't bring yourself to care.

- - - - -

Knocking at your door brings you out of the limboed state you're in. You figure they'll leave soon, and the knocking stops after a minute. Until the door opens revealing the three who had been watching you in the morning.

Alexia is the first to you, the others take in the state of your apartment and walk around elsewhere.

"Hey." It's all she says, but enough for tears to fall from your eyes. You can't bare to look at her face, so you keep your eyes glued to the floor.

"Come on, look at me." She uses her hands to guide your chin so you're looking straight at her.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me." She pauses, "Let's sober you up first." You don't argue, and follow her orders. Exhausted, you pass out as soon as your head hits the pillow.

- - - - -

Waking up was easier than you'd thought it would be, your head not pounding as much as in the morning. It made sense though considering you'd drank less than the night before. There were pills on the side table with a glass of water which you take easily.

The sun is setting so you must have slept for a couple of hours by this point. When you walk into the living room you notice all the rubbish gone, the floors are clean and there's no reminisince of beer anywhere. Alexia, Marta and Mapi are talking quietly amongst themselves and look up once they realise you're awake.

"Come, sit." Mapi pats next to her. You nod silently walking over.

"Would you mind explaining to us what happened? I know you’ve said before don't drink, so this is very new. If you don't want to talk that's also fine but I don't want to see you hurt." Alexia says, she doesn't pry but she does make her point known.

"Ok, but please can you do no talking while I explain? I'm not sure how much I can take if I don't explain it all in one." You're not sure why you opened up so easily, maybe because you desperately craved for someone. Anyone.

"Last year, I was an alcoholic and I can't tell you really when it started. It was to take all the weight and pressure off my shoulders originally, but it turned worse. I just kept drinking regularly and when I tried to settledown, I realised I couldn't. So I didn't stop. It worked for me."

"Then as the season moved on I realised I did desperately need to do something about it but I was just so scared of what people would say to me. How would they react?"

“So instead of getting proper help I did it myself.”

"I got rid of all traces, didn't go out as much. It was horrible. I thought I was going crazy. I wasn't ok at all. I'd obviously relapsed a couple times when trying by myself to recover but it gave me more determination. I'd say it took like 3 months before I truly felt like I was clean."

"Then, I'd had the oppurtunity to play here and it's like everything went away. I should've known better." You sigh.

"Known what? Did you know you were going to relapse again?" Marta asks carefully.

"I saw the signs but ignored them, when I did give in... all I felt was regret, I still do. I think that's why I drank the rest if I'm going to be honest." You look away, not daring to look at any of them.

A pair of arms engulf you, large hands pushing your head to the persons chest.

"Listen to me, we can help you. You won't ever have to do this alone, not while I'm here ok? I don't know much about this, but I'll try. We all will." You start sobbing into her chest, clinging your fists tightly into her shirt. A way to thank them without words.

Because the belief they had in you made you feel like you could do it. Even in these drowning times.

—————————————————————————

i hope you enjoyed fic, this may not be accurate to everyone but this is my experience with battling addiction to alcohol and i write it because i too relapsed after a year recently

this was more for also for awareness and just know that you aren’t alone in anything, if you feel you need someone to talk to i’m always here :)

[widowmaxff]

Hiii WandaNat x daughter reader where R was severely harmed in a mission or got involved.

For example, they Nat or Wands were assigned on a mission to investigate and just so it happens, R was there so when chaos started, R was severely injured and like got a pretty bad brain damage which she will fight through. How will the mother's copee??

Thankss!

safe & sound

pairings: parents!wandanat × daughter!reader (platonic)

warnings: angst, bad writing :P, crying, physical violence, hospital, natasha blames herself ;((, lots of love from moms <3

a/n: im really sorry it took me SO long to write this request, ive been having awful weeks and im really trying to write. anyway, i hope you like it and thank you very much for the request luv <333

When you decided you wanted to follow in the same footsteps as your mothers, they didn't react so well. You always trained with the Avengers, closely watching their next steps for any unforeseen circumstances and how good they were at what they did. And you especially loved seeing Wanda and Natasha fighting, they have been your inspiration since you were little and understand each other. 

You remember when you asked your mother Natasha to start going on missions, even if it was the easier ones that would only take a few hours, and you could swear you saw her eyes light up with regret. Not that she didn't trust you, but both Natasha and Wanda knew that any mission would be dangerous and the last thing they wanted was to leave you hurt or for anything bad to happen to you. So, you started to train even more and show how much you dedicated yourself to going on one of these missions and, as your mothers knew you so well, they knew that you wouldn't give up until you went on one of them.

"Fury allowed you to go on this mission with one of us," Natasha was sitting in front of him next to Wanda in the meeting room. You couldn’t hide the smile on your face, your legs shaking because you were so excited for your first mission. "It's an easy mission where you just have to investigate and collect some important information in an old Hydra base." You nod listening to every detail of what you needed to do.

"Fury assured us that there will be no one and no agent, but for your safety you will carry a weapon, okay?" Wanda, your other mother, spoke this time. She also seemed to be a little worried about your first mission since she remembers very well what it's like to be in the hospital bed after one or see anyone else in it. Just imagining you in that position makes her body shiver.

Your mothers start to tell you some information about what you should know and what would happen. Even though the mission was so easy and simple, Wanda decided that it would be better if Natasha accompanied you, since if she went along she might end up getting so nervous that she would faint. And even though you assured that you would be careful, she made you hug her for at least five minutes, stroking your hair and giving you all the comfort you would need for that mission. "I love you so much my love."

"I love you very much too, Mama." You felt Wanda leave a long kiss on your hair as you laid your head on her shoulder. "I promise everything will be fine."

She laughs and takes a deep breath. "I'm the one who should be saying this. But you're right, my love." You separate from her and see that her eyes were full of tears.

Even though it seemed a little dramatic, you knew that Wanda was very close to you. Whenever your mother missed you because you were only away from home for a few hours, you remember when Natasha told you that when it was your first day of school when you were a toddler, Wanda didn't want to let you go at all. And now several years later, she still reacted the same way.

"Alright, we better go before Wanda makes us give up." Natasha says, making her other mother roll her eyes before walking towards her, leaving a long kiss on her lips.

"Ew, not in front of me." You make a disgusted expression at them, even if it was just a joke. You've always admired how much your mothers are in love with each other and how much they show it on a daily basis. Wanda always preferred physical affection to love Natasha, and Romanoff always preferred acts of service to love Maximoff. And even though they were different things, the two never disliked these acts.

"One day it's going to be you, sweetheart." They giggle before hugging each other as they say 'I love you'. 

[...]

Your hands sounded as you entered the Hydra base. A gun in hand as you looked in every corner of that place. You felt like something was out of position, but you tried not to worry. Maybe it was just your anxious conscious or maybe you were just too nervous. The noise of your heart was too loud and the only thing you heard was the faint footsteps of your boot on the ground. And even though you tried to focus on what was happening there at the moment, it seemed like now all of your mother Wanda's nervous genes were in you.

"I think I found it, Mom." You speak into the device in your ear, Natasha listening on the other side. She praises you, sending a wave of comfort to your mind that seemed to be trying to sabotage you at that moment.

You quickly place the pen drive in the computer and see the percentage of how much was transferred appear on the screen. You hold the gun tightly in your hands as you scan the place, looking at every possible corner. You walk to your right calmly, trying not to make too much noise in your tall black boots. And when you were about to take the next step, a big tud behind you made you turn around quickly, still with the gun pointed forward. "Mom, I just heard a noise-" And before you could finish speaking, the lights in the place went out completely, the energy going out.

"Y/n- need- leave-!" The device in your ear was getting stuck a lot, loud noises disturbing what little you could hear. Natasha tried to say something, but you almost couldn't hear, leaving you alone with your own thoughts.

With all the training you had you tried to stay as calm as possible. Even if you couldn't see if someone or something was with you, your ears tried to capture any sound coming from that space, but with the device in your ears it was almost impossible. You knew that if you took it off it would be a big risk if your mother ever managed to talk to you again. But it would also be a risk not to hear what was around you.

You debated with what you should do or not do, but it was too late when two large arms grabbed your body from the ground. You let out a startled scream when you realize what is happening. Your reflexes are quick as you forcefully push your elbow into the stomach of the stranger behind you. He staggers back, making you fall to the ground, but before you can do anything, a kick lands in your belly. You hit your head on the ground, making your vision even blurrier. Your gun was still stuck in your hands, so the first thing you do is aim forward and shoot, when you hear a male scream of pain you know you hit him somewhere. "You bitch!"

You don't realize what's happening when he takes a gun out of his pants and also shoots. You scream in pain when the bullet pierces your arm that was holding the gun, it wasn't very deep, but the pain was too horrible. And even if you tried, you couldn't raise your arm to shoot the guy again. You start to crawl backwards trying to get away from the figure that you still couldn't see in the dark and prayed that he couldn't see you too.

But when you started to hear his heavy footsteps towards you, you knew there was nothing left to do.

[...]

Wanda felt her heart stop when she heard the doctors moving around in the Compound. Someone had been hurt on some mission a few hours after you and Natasha left. Maximoff was shaking as she waited for the injured person's Quinjet to pull up, and even though she asked any of the doctors who the unlucky one was, it seemed like she was invisible to them. It seemed like they didn't want to respond to watch her heart break into a million pieces.

Wanda felt so nervous that she thought maybe she was going to faint. Thinking that the extremely injured person, since the doctors were going almost crazy to get everything they needed, could be you or Natasha, made her want to throw up her entire lunch right there. And when the car appeared in their vision, Wanda moved even closer, continuing to give the doctors space to do their work.

When the big door opened, the first thing your mother saw was Natasha with some bruises on her face along with tears that still fell on her pale face. Romanoff held you in her arms. One of them put pressure on your arm to stop the bleeding, but even so, you seemed to be bleeding from other places as a pool of blood was being spilled by Natasha's suit. Your body was unconscious and heavy in your mother's hands, your face completely scarred with cuts and bruises all over it. And even if your mother tried to look at your fragile and small body, she couldn't.

Maximoff lets out a grunt when she sees that you were the current patient. Seeing how Natasha staggered with you in her arms was one of the worst sights she could have had. You being placed on the stretcher while the doctors took you to surgery as quickly as possible was in her nightmares, and now, she could feel firsthand how horrible that was. Natasha follows the crowd of people, finally coming across her wife there. Romanoff didn't wait a second to throw herself into Wanda's arms as the two allowed the tears to fall. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"

"Shh- it's not your fault, Natasha." Wanda tried to calm her down, even though it was almost impossible since she also needed comfort. "Y/n is going to be fine, it's okay."

"I- I couldn't get there in time. She was in- in a huge pool of blood and this guy was-" Natasha couldn't finish speaking before her eyes started bursting with tears again as she recalled the scene of you barely conscious on the ground while the Hydra agent kicked you mercilessly. Blood smeared everywhere and your face full of tears was what she saw every time she closed her eyes, it was horrible.

It took Wanda a few minutes to get Natasha to calm down. Despite many other occasions being the opposite, Romanoff has always shown how concerned she is about you. But seeing you and having to carry you almost dead in her arms was another thing entirely, and one that will probably haunt her forever. Natasha had the beginning of a panic attack there, with her blood on her suit and on her hands, but Wanda, knowing her wife, managed to make her feel like she was on the floor again.

A few hours had passed since you entered that operating room, and knowing that it would take a long time for the doctors to stabilize you, Wanda took care of Natasha, cleaning her body and putting her in more comfortable clothes to wait for you sitting in the waiting room. Your mother was able to breathe normally now, even though the tears hadn't stopped falling from both of their faces. Natasha felt her body want to sleep, but her mind wouldn't let her, not when you were fighting for your life in the next room.

Wanda runs her hand affectionately through Natasha's red hair that reminded her of your own. Her head on her shoulder as she felt her wife's body relax but then become rigid again, but even if Maximoff tried, she wouldn't be able to make Natasha relax. "Remember that time Y/n fell down the slide and broke her arm? She didn't even cry." Wanda spoke so softly that any outsider who saw it would think she wasn't as nervous as her wife.

"Yeah... she even asked you to break her arm with your magic so she could put a cast on it again so she could draw on it." Natasha laughs remembering when you were seven years old, you were probably the happiest child in the world.

"She's so strong," Wanda murmurs as she presses a kiss to Natasha's red hair and she closes her eyes taking a deep breath. "I know she'll make it out of this."

And when Maximoff stopped talking, one of the doctors who was participating in your surgery enters the room. Natasha was now more than awake, her body jumping up towards the man in the white coat. Wanda doesn't take long to join her either, rambling questions to the doctor over and over again. "Everything went well in the surgery to remove the bullet from Y/n's body, despite the heavy blood loss." Romanoff holds her wife's hand while listening to him talk about your conditions, squeezing it every time she feels like her heart is going to come out of her mouth. "Unfortunately, due to the severe injuries to her head, she was caused a brain injury called a concussion."

"Oh, God. She's going to be okay, isn't she?"

"Don't worry, Mrs. Maximoff. Concussion is a very common thing for people to experience and usually with a few weeks of medical treatment and rest she will feel well again." The two women were finally able to take a deep breath without feeling that nervousness in their chests. "You just need to pay attention to some symptoms she may have, such as headache, mental confusion, sometimes memory loss, nausea, vomiting, excessive fatigue and some other things that you will probably notice. With the treatment I am sure that Y/n will recover much better.”

Despite all these things you might feel, they were relieved that you were okay. And they knew you would recover quickly, your genes coming from Natasha and Wanda weren't just anyone, you were strong and everyone knew it. And even if they thought that way, nothing would prepare them for seeing you lying on the stretcher. Your body was so fragile and small there, your eyes looked so tired despite being closed and the cuts on your face didn't help. The tubes coming out of your body weren't the prettiest, but it was what was helping you survive at that moment.

"My baby girl..." Wanda stroked your hair as she looked at you now slightly pale face. Her comforting touch would make you lean against her even more if you were awake, but that wouldn't be possible at the moment. 

Natasha remained a little distant compared to Maximoff. She was scared, scared that if she made any move you would get hurt again, because in the redhead's mind everything that had happened was her fault. If she had checked to see if the area really was clean, if she had warned you as quickly as possible so you could get out of there, if she had arrived on time. "Nat?" Wanda knew what she was thinking, what she felt was written on the ex-assassin's face, and her wife had been with her for enough years to know what that mind was thinking.

In a few moments, Romanoff's body was enveloped in Wanda's affectionate and comforting embrace, who gently moved from side to side, holding her head against her shoulder while leaving a chaste kiss on her hair. Natasha knew that hug from anywhere, the hug that said everything was okay, that everything would fall into place again. Sometimes it took more than a hug for her to feel that, but sometimes she knew Wanda was right. "I w-want a hug too." Your hoarse voice was present at the scene, making your mothers quickly separate from each other.

"Y/n, my god! You scared me so much, don't ever do that again-"

"Wands, calm down, don't give her any more headaches." You chuckle along with your mother Natasha who was now holding your wife's hand. They walk towards your stretcher seeing that you still seemed to be a little disoriented with everything that happened, but even so you still had a smile on your face for them.

"How are you feeling, my love?" Wanda again made the same affectionate gestures to you as she sat next to you, feeling your body relax at her touch, but this time, you are awake enough to feel it.

"Headache and feeling like I might throw up at any moment."

"Ew." Natasha complains in a funny tone making you want to laugh at that moment, but having a headache would make things even worse. Romanoff still had an apprehensive tone on her face, maybe it was the guilt she felt she had or maybe it was seeing you in that place, with bruises everywhere. 

"You aren't hurt, are you, Mom?" Even though you almost died with a gunshot wound to your body and a brain injury, it was obvious that you would care about others, especially if it was one of your mothers.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me, sweetheart." Natasha moved a little closer to you, leaving a kiss on your forehead that was welcomed with a smile on your face. "I was so worried about you." She murmurs as Wanda places one of her hands on her wife's thigh, making small circles on it.

"I'm fine now, Mom. Thanks for going to save me." You put a small smile on your face in a funny way, trying to ease the tension of the hospital room.

"You know I'll always be here for whatever you need." Natasha wasn't just referring to helping you save yourself from physical violence, but she was also referring to helping you when you have any problems. Do you need a shoulder to cry on? She will be there. Do you need help completing a task? Don't worry, you know she won't take a minute to come to you. Problems with girls or guys? She will love telling you how she really knew the love of her life. 

In those times when something difficult happened, your mothers knew how to comfort and help you. You had an unbreakable bond and that always warmed your heart. Realizing that you had people who more than cared about you by your side was incredible. Maybe for some other people it was strange to have two mothers, but you didn't care, because for you, it was an indescribable magic.

[gigisdoll]

the ive pet story omfg i need more 🙏🙏

Cw: pet/owner dynamic, g!p, overstimming, breeding, somnophillia, brat taming, mean!yujin :((, dacryphillia [?]

Pairings: owner!ive x pet!fem reader

After they bought you, they were constantly using you, to the point you just didn't wear anything during your sleep knowing you were bound to have them ripped off of you at some point while you were in your slumber.. You wake up sore every morning and are sensitive to the touch, so sensitive that you were able to cum just from the slightest touch of a finger! If you knew how ruthless they were with your most vulnerable state... Especially Yujin, you always woke up with either her dick down your throat, or inside your hole making you whine from how much you came the night before.

Rei loves how clingy you are to her, well not clingy but how you love to sit on her lap, and she loves when you slightly grind on her.. Oops they've made you addicted to their cocks! Well not a problem one of them is always there! :)) but you're still so bratty! Always denying them entry inside of you! Look at how well they treat you.. Shouldn't you be more grateful?

"Hi baby... Oh poor Y/n... Well you shouldn't have been acting up at the mall... Then you wouldn't be stuck sucking on my cock in the bathroom, but I know it's gonna be okay... Just swallow everything.. " ᰔ Rei's so sweet to you, no matter how bratty you are, you're always gonna be her baby! Her punishments are never too harsh unlike Yujin's ^^

"Shouldn't have fucking swore at me huh? Do you regret it? Don't even dare apologize, use the mouth god gave you to good use and stop crying before I make you cry harder" Yujin hates brats, so stop acting like one! Maybe then your tears won't be mixing with her precum right now... I hope you swallow all of it Yujin hates when you're an ungrateful brat and don't accept everything she gives you...

"Y/n..oh poor baby... You better start sucking before everyone in this goddamn mall knows how much of a whore you truly are.. Is that what you want?... No? Then start making me feel good. " Wonyoung knew you would get down on your knees if it meant keeping your fragile ego less broken... But gosh did it turn her on when your teary eyes looked up at her while you licked and sucked her off, made her feel less bad about what she was doing </3

Liz can barely shove her dick anywhere except your mouth, it doesn't matter if you acted up, or you were on your best behavior she just needed to have your mouth wrapped around her cock almost every hour of the day. She came in your throat so many times your throat was almost shaped like her dick. And she loves that ♡

You're so accessible to them, no panties no nothing! You're always ready to take their cocks in and out :) they've trained you so well... So repaying them in the best way possible wasn't too hard... Though your cunt is still as tight it was the first day they bought you :3

A/n: hai nonnie hope you like it :3

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

ok so ive been rewatching psychoville and saw on the wikipedia that there were a bunch of websites made for the series (they were all written by reece and steve btw) which i've been looking through cos they are genuinely SO fucking funny & also just amazingly creative lol!

anyway i know people in the fandom probs already know about this (since the show came out literally 15 years ago pfft) but i thought i'd share some of my fav bits (but honestly would just recommend just checking them out if you haven't i have been crying with laughter for literally hours lol)

i will say that a lot of the media (videos, games, etc) no longer work on the archived sites rip but i'm sure people have uploaded some of the stuff (vids especially) to yt or other places lol

so a) i love that we get some background stuff on jelly and 2) 'captain CRACKERS' bernie clifton's dressing room reference question mark ??????? (ofc bcdr was AFTER this but i know love the idea that mr jelly trained under len pfft)

what that red raw stump do though 👀 (sorry pfffft)

mr jolly's website wasn't that interesting soz tho i did like him comparing being a doctor to being a clown lol

the comment about fag bears did make me wheeze i'm afraid lol i also loved the blurry photos of lomax's commodities lol (kinda reminded me of the bit in tlog w/ that terrible old photographer guy lol)

when i tell you i DIED with laughter at the 'now known as hull' bit like u just know reece wrote that bit pfft

not really a funny thing but this poem written by david honestly kinda breaks my heart lol... i think it also a lot of additional context to david's guilt when he thought he'd killed his father(faver) because perhaps he felt guilty about NOT feeling guilty you get me? like, it felt to me that when maureen told david it was SHE who killed her husband, it didn't feel like he was mad at her for doing it, but more that she kept the fact from him. it's about... the mutual oedipus-coded obsession with one another that couldn't even be destroyed in death and in this essay i will....

ghoul_lass23 is just like me but about tumblr lol fr

nothing feels more cursed than the phrases 'the river minge has burst its banks', 'crying creamy tears' and 'fleshy rapunzel' (which i've just noticed they misspelt lol... don't think that was intentional lol?) so if i had to read this so do you <3

the way that i kinda wish this actually existed tho pfft... also, it does kinda remind me of that video where jenny nicholson talked about that insane reality show 'opposite worlds' lol

'cross between seven and glee' is honestly sending me pfft

also on this part there was a script from stinkfinger (which is a show mentioned on the show) which sounded suspiciously like a reference to tlc lol

the less said about swastknickers the better

(will say i did nearly piss myself laughing at the nazi section of the hoity toity website lol which wasn't a sentence i thought i'd type today lol)

i just love these kinds of jokes pfft

also the whole biography sections of each of the pantomime cast are fab lol tho i AM kinda pissed they made debbie from yeovil and yet didn't give her a west country accent lol!!! (i guess they thought it'd be a bit much w/ joy being bristolian but i'm still mad about it lol)

also i know people have probably already pointed this out but i do find it funny that brian in the in9 episode last night of the proms is a closeted gay guy who likes watching drag was probably a reference to brian in this show that was a drag queen like... is anything these guys do NOT a reference??? u know those gaylor fans who obsessively look for clues in her songs about her apparent secret sexuality? all i'm saying is that i think they'd really like the extended reece shearsmith & steve pemberton universe pfft

all three of these made me cry with laughter lol

ohh this is interesting lol so obviously they suspected that some people might be all 'um why didn't the sprinklers go off during the fire at ravenhill? plot hole much!' so they wrote this into one of the websites so they could be like SEE! WE'RE ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU DUMBASSES lol

both the jeremy kyle reference (remember when that was a thing? yikes... my mum used to watch his show CONSTANTLY...) and nurse kenshington's thoughts on david and maureen are interesting lol.. also there's a reference to the serial killer top trumps in this bit lol! (do people still play top trumps?? man i LOVED top trumps lol...)

the entire sunnyvale care home section is so fucking funny (both the website AND in the show lol mrs wren/mrs ladybird face is unironically probably my favourite character on the entire show) these were just some of my fav gags lol...

ok but why is this the SECOND reference to a guy punching a child who was apparently looking at his dick lol!??!! did this happen to one of you ??!!?!? reece did you punch a child ??!???!?!??

&&&& that's it lol

there were a few websites i didn't spend long on or generally weren't that interesting (coughmidgetgemscough) but honestly? i was really captivated with just how funny and well put together all these sites were! you can tell they had a lot of fun making it and i'm sure fans at the time LOVED being able to have this semi-interactive element of the show lol

there was just something so wonderfully late 00's about these websites lol i genuinely don't think i've laughed this much at anything in literal months and all of this is just solidifies that psychoville is a criminally under-appreciated masterpiece lol

[jjkamochoso]

Hi :) can could you do about Isao shinomiya pls?

Yes I absolutely can!! Thanks so much for requesting, I really hope you like this lil story I've written :) it's my first time writing for him so I'm praying I got the characterization down lol <3

Dreaming of the Director

Fluff

Isao Shinomiya x gn!reader

You feel disheartened when Director General Shinomiya tells you you're not doing well enough in training. Little did you know that the reason behind his harshness wasn't stemming from hatred...

Warnings: mention of hospital settings/medical tests/IVs (nothing graphic)

"You were sloppy; the wide steps you took were horrendous. Practice those moves again."

You didn't think your body could take anymore. You had been training under the guidance of Director General Shinomiya for many months now and today was no different than any of the other days you'd learned from him. Your routine consisted of spending every waking hour in the gym, doing cardio outside, or practicing fighting techniques and to say you were exhausted would be a complete understatement. You didn't want to give in to the fatigue as you knew it was an honor to be by his side in this capacity, but you were practically running on empty at this point.

"Director," you panted, sweat rolling down your back, "all due respect but I don't know how much more I have in me."

His face remained unchanged from its usual stone cold expression. "No excuses, Captain. Do it again."

And so you did.

Some (okay, most) days it felt like Shinomiya hated you. You tried to convince yourself that if he did, he wouldn't have kept giving you, a Defense Force captain, chance after chance to do better the next day, but your fears of never being good enough for him stayed at the forefront of your mind. You bent your knees and got back into position, ready to try the drill again. It felt like Shinomiya's icy glare was burning holes in your back as you bounced around, evading attacks from imaginary foe. When you were finished, you were afraid to meet his eyes, nervous to hear his feedback.

"L/n, are you even listening to any of the criticism I give you? You're leaving yourself vulnerable to the enemy with every punch you throw. Run it again."

You wanted to cry. Your muscles were on fire and you were so sluggish that it felt like your blood turned to cement in your veins. Still, you pushed on. You couldn't disappoint Isao.

"Yes, sir," you whispered, taking up stance once more. This time, you knew exactly where you went wrong all the times you practiced this prior. You readjusted your stance midway through the next move, but you realized you messed up again. Feeling your foot slip from beneath you, you tumbled to the ground, whacking your head on the hard floor. Dazed and enervated, you closed your eyes, savoring the cooling effect the floor had on your body.

"Get up, L/n," barked the director, but for once in your life, you ignored his order. It wouldn't hurt to rest for a second longer...

You felt strong hands grip your shoulders, your spent body shaking like a rag doll as you were pulled away from the oasis you created in your mind.

"L/n. Hey. Wake up."

You then registered the feeling of someone lightly slapping your face and your eyes fluttered open. Shinomiya was crouched over you, his bearded face just inches away from your own. His expression was mostly the same as always except this time, there was a new emotion present that you detected in his yellow eyes, if only for a moment--concern.

"You passed out. I'm taking you to the medic."

He was straight to the point as per usual. You really didn't want to inconvenience him or have him look down on you more than he probably already did, so you tried to convince him your condition was stable.

"No, sir, I promise I'm alright. That was a long enough break, I can go again."

His voice was stern. "You're going to the medic and that's an order. I'll write you up if you disobey."

You gulped, nodding in compliance. Isao swiftly lifted you off the ground, allowing you to lean on him as he walked you to the med bay. You didn't know if it was because of your tired physical and mental state or what, but having Shinomiya so close to you was making your heart skip a few beats; the tight, almost protective, hold he had on you certainly wasn't helping you breathe any easier either. You'd thought he was handsome since the day you laid eyes on him, but it was just a simple crush. He was so unattainable for you, being both the Director General and totally emotionally cut off from everybody and everything after the death of his wife all those years ago. You ignored the aching feeling of your heart in favor of focusing on the more favorable aching of the rest of your body. When you finally made it to the medical building, all the doctors rushed over at the sight of Isao, anxious to help the most important man in the Defense Force.

"You," Shinomiya said, pointing to the first doctor that had shown up, "give L/n a once-over, please. They were training too hard and passed out."

"Right away, sir."

You were immediately ushered to a big room with a comfy bed, all perks of being accompanied by the Director General. As tests were being run on you, you valiantly fought the urge to fall asleep on the bed whose cozy sheets were calling your name. Shinomiya said nothing the whole time, his gaze fixated out the window as he looked deep in thought. Finally, the doctor came back in with your results.

"You're just really dehydrated," she explained, reading the chart on her clipboard. "We'll start an IV for ya and you'll be good to go in no time. Sound alright?"

You nodded in agreement and she got to work. When your IV was pumping much needed fluids into your body, you laughed joylessly.

"All this was caused because I didn't drink enough water? I really can't do anything right, can I?" You slapped a hand across your face in despair.

"Don't speak like that," scolded Shinomiya, "you do things right most of the time. You're much more useful than you give yourself credit for."

You tried not to let your jaw hang open in shock. That had to have been the nicest thing he'd ever said to you!

"Thank you, Director," you breathed out, still not believing your ears. Shinomiya grunted in response, his attention turned back to whatever was happing outside your window. You craned your neck to see what he was looking at, wondering what outside could possibly pique the man's interest so much.

"If I do most things right," you spoke up after some time, "then how come I can't nail your training? There's gotta be a reason I'm never good enough for you."

You didn't mean to tack on that last sentence out loud but you were curious about why your training never landed you praise, even when you did well. You could tell Shinomiya was trying to choose his next words carefully.

"I think you're a very smart, powerful captain with a promising future within the Defense Force. I have to push you beyond your limit so when you’re sent out to neutralize kaiju you don’t…” He was hesitant, more so than you’d ever seen before. “So you don’t die. It’s our duty to lay our lives on the line for the betterment of society and as you know, I’ve lost many people close to me because of that.”

He sucked in a breath. “I refuse to lose you too, y/n.”

You were absolutely shocked for the second time in a few minutes. Shinomiya used your first name while basically telling you he cared for you. You were wondering if you were hallucinating all of this but the warm, comforting hand on your shoulder proved to you the situation you were in was all too real.

“Get some rest. I’m giving you tomorrow off but I’ll see you at 5am sharp the next day.”

He removed his hand and vacated the room, but not before you spotted something strange blossoming on his face.

The tiniest curl of his lips, indicating a smile.

You wore your own smile as well as you ruminated on Shinomiya’s admission. He would most likely never state his true feelings for you outright, but this was a very pleasant start and would serve as motivation for you to work even harder in your training. You absentmindedly stared out the window when something in the distance caught your eye. It must’ve been what the Director was looking at as well since it was a beautiful sight. Most of the military base you were on was made from concrete, but in one of the cracks grew the most glorious flowers. The blooms were a brilliant shade of yellow that reminded you of the hair color of Isao’s daughter, Kikoru. It was then you realized there were three flowers, two smaller and one big, and the large one loomed over the others as if it were guarding them, shielding them the best it could without stunting their growth. The world was full of metaphors and you chose to believe this one represented Isao watching over you and Kikoru. Your head fell back on your pillow, ready for much needed sleep, and the image of Isao smiling led you into many pleasant dreams.

[quodekash]

HELP I JUST LOOKED UP GUMPA'S ACTOR AND HE WAS BEAM IN MLC???

MY DAD IS BEAM???

IM LOSING MY MIND OVER IT

anyway on another note the gang's about to be caught by cops! ✨

oh. never mind sean drove past them. in no world will that have good results.

NO

YOK JUST GOT SHOT

WHY IS EVERYONE GETTING SHOT

AAAAAAAAAAA

i swear if they freaking kill yok im going to find gmmtv and destroy them

stop trying to be freaking heroic, okay, YOU ARE IMPORTANT

DAD HAS COME TO SAVE THE DAY

hes so stressed though

im so scared for yok rn

pls let him be okay

WHY IS THE THUMBNAIL FOR THE NEXT PART DAN'S FACE LOOKING INSANELY GUILTY??? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???

episode 8 3/4 of the eclipse, anyone?

i swear that part of the series is just the infirmary interlude of the series

anyway im not watching the eclipse im watching not me

focus, egg. focus.

HELL YEAH, THANK FREAKING GOODNESS

THERE HE IS, OKAY NOW TELL ME: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED

force like the guy? force jiratchapong? cos if its just him then they're all good, they'll hug it out and be on their merry way.

if it's not him, then they're screwed

NO

WHAT THE HELL

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

OH NO AND YOK IS CRYING

NOW IM CRYING

IM SO CONFUSED???

AAAAAAAAA

I WANT TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT

WHAT

NO

(and in amongst all this chaos, my brain is still thinking "kinky" because he said "finally you get to arrest me for real")

THIS IS EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSING

dfghj

ghrbdfgh

VHDBFHX

GRDNFHHJXGBJFHDB

PAIN

OH FLASHBACK, FINALLY, A FREAKING EXPLANATION

....

who the hell is this guy?

oh. so we just dont find out who the hell that guy was? is this information i was supposed to know already? i have no working memory, especially not when i probably previously encountered this guy in the early hours of the morning when my brain was shutting down, so i have no clue whats going on rn

im so confused that i cant cry anymore, but this is me internally

this wasnt supposed to happen to my boys

and yet they saved this plot for the side couple??? the side couple is supposed to be my main source of dopamine, but its getting a little difficult when they're arRESTING EACH OTHER

AND HES CRYING TOO

IDK WHAT'S GOING ON OR WHY HE DID WHATEVER IT IS THAT HE DID (or who the hell that guy was) BUT I STILL LOVE HIM AND HIS PRETTY EYELASHES AND I AM IN PAIN

TO DEFEAT

T H E H U N S

but who are you

...no

not even slightly

NOOOO MY DAD IS GETTING ARRESTED

what i dont get is why the only one who was actually properly handcuffed was the one in the wheelchair. why were the others all zip-tied. why wasnt yok also zip-tied. i have questions.

THERE'S AN ADULT VERSION OF YOUR TEACHER SAYING THEY'LL CALL YOUR PARENTS IF YOU KEEP MISBEHAVING???

i dont think its a mistake that the random old guy talks about his parents and then the very next frame is gumpa looking at him disappointedly.

he is dad.

its just a fact

oh !

hello there!

HELL YEAH (what a great screenshot that is)

he looks as confused as i feel

"you told me not to look for you if i wanted no regrets. i should have believed you then." NOOOOO

WHY WOULD YOU MURDER MY SOUL LIKE THAT

I SWEAR IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW

ill avenge your beautiful hand and your beautiful foot. ill tear off the legs of every dragon i fight. with my face.

mm mm mm, it's the wings and the tails you really want. if it cant fly, it can't get away. a downed dragon is a dead dragon.

(yawn) alright, im off to bed. you should be too. tomorrow, we get to the big boys, slowly but surely making our way to the monstrous nightmare. but who'll have the honour of killing it?

it's gonna be me. it's my destiny, see?

(le gasp) your mom let you get a tattoo?

it's not a tattoo, its a birthmark!

okay, ive been stuck with you since birth, and that's never been there.

yes it has, you've just never seen me from the left side before!

every moment is the right moment to quote how to train your dragon

anyway that's the end of the episode. uh... that hurt.

[stormyoceans]

MONICA OMG VICE VERSA APRIL 19TH TALAY AND PUEN HOW ARE YOU ARE YOU OKAY??????????????????????? STILL BREATHING??????

ACTUAL DEPICTION OF ME 5 HOURS AGO SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY REUNION CHECKING MY PHONE BLISSFULLY UNAWARE SEEING A GIF OF PUEN JUMPING INTO TALAY'S ARMS ON MY DASH AND ALMOST BREAKING MY FINGERS TO GO CHECK THE TRAILER AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT:

TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION IM DEAD IM DYING IVE NEVER BEEN MORE ALIVE IM ASCENDING ONTO A HIGHER SPHERE OF HUMAN CONSCIOUSNESS IM EMOTIONALLY SPIRITUALLY AND METAPHYSICALLY ON A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL OF EXISTENCE IM LOSING MY MIND MY SANITY MY GRASP ON REALITY IM RIDING THE HYPE TRAIN STRAIGHT TO BREAKDOWNVILLE IM ABOUT TO PARTAKE IN ACTS OF FEMALE HYSTERIA TO COPE

THERE IS NO SEQUENCE OF WORDS I COULD PUT TOGETHER TO DESCRIBE HOW INSANE THOSE 3 SECONDS OF NEW CONTENT ARE MAKING ME FEEL I'VE BEEN RUNNING LAPS ON THE CEILING SCREAMING SHAKING CRYING THROWING UP BLOOD FOR /HOURS/ I HAVEN'T EVEN WATCHED THESE EPISODES AND THE ORDERLIES ARE ALREADY AT MY DOOR TRYING TO DRAG ME INTO A PADDED ROOM AGAINST MY WILL I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GETTING THEM BACK SO SOON IM ABOUT TO BECOME THE MOST INSUFFERABLE HUMAN BEING ON PLANET EARTH

[khodorkovskaya]

28.04.23

a lot of things have been on my mind lately but i haven't had the time to sit down and write. but i made a list in my notes app:

B in general

balkans = bisexuality

event in lausanne

ice skating summer camp

to be honest now i don't remember what every point was about but let's try...

1. i had a dream about B the other day where i bumped into him on the street and he was like "leave me alone, let me go, stop following me". and yeah it really made me think. not really think, but feel. i woke up with a lot of feelings.

on monday i was ovulating. my coochie wouldn't leave me alone the whole day. i started fantasising about the hot quantum mechanics assistant, then i moved onto thinking about my friend... and it was fun bc i finally came up with a scenario about my friend that wasn't boring. so i was like alright, when i get home im finally gonna be able to touch myself and not think about B, this is gonna be great. and then! big surprise! i thought about him again and cried! im so tired of it! when am i gonna be free from this curse of crying when i masturbate???? like it's so frustrating! i just want to think about something completely unrealistic and silly about the quantum mechanics assistant or my friend or some hot celebrity or whoever else. but noooooo! and i feel the need to gain control over my sexuality because i can't associate sex with B for the rest of my life. i need to think about other people and move on. but it's like a reflex at this point. every time i touch myself my coochie is like "DO YOU REMEMBER HOW IN LOVE YOU WERE? YEAH, YOU WERE SO IN LOVE. LET ME REMIND YOU HOW IN LOVE YOU WERE HAHAAAA YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE YOU PATHETIC BITCH"

i think the thing i miss about my relationship with B is not B himself. but the innocence i had during that time. like oh im done with my homework, i have nothing else planned for the day, let's go for a 3 hour walk in the countryside and talk about nothing. and now im always busy and i never go for walks anymore.

it's his birthday today. and i don't know if it's masochism or stupidity or a secret third thing. but i wished him a happy birthday. and when he replied with "Thank you Y/N." i wanted to throw up.

2. ive been listening to lepa brena a lot. because just like with my sexuality im trying to reclaim things that were mine to begin with. when we broke up i deleted all songs off my phone to not think about him. but i can't let him stop me from enjoying my favourite songs, they were always MY favourite songs, not his.

and listening to lepa brena made me think of not only our sarajevo trip in 2019 but also montenegro, my father, all those shenanigans. and it made me feel things. so again i was like, why am i doing this to myself. to hell with the balkans, i'll never go there again!

and it's weird bc i always have this train of thought when it comes to my bisexuality too. like it's a part of me that i just can't make peace with no matter how hard i try. im always like fuck this, im straight, let's ignore everything else. to hell with the wlw manifesto and all that shit, it doesn't concern me, i live in the now and it's not a problem so let's ignore it. and it always comes back to bite me in the ass! like i just can't be straight, i know it! i can pretend all i want but it's there! and same with the balkans. how many times have i told myself "im never going there again" or "it's just a place where my father lives, it doesn't concern me, i don't care". but i can't escape it. and here i am wanting to breathe in the fresh mountain air again and drink a coffee on the terrasse and feel this pinching pins-and-needles-like pain in my chest. and i can't get enough of it.

(this section ends here but i wanted to add a couple more things bc i just went for a walk to the corner store to get chocolate cake and thought about it. you know how your nose and throat feel when you've just caught a cold? like you're not sick yet, but you can feel the cold coming. and your throat is kinda itchy and you just KNOW that you're gonna have a fever tomorrow. well that's the feeling im talking about but imagine it in your chest. like it feels like pins-and-needles and there's this pinching feeling similar to when you're trying to hold back tears. and every time im nostalgic about something or i miss something that's what i feel. and that's also what i feel 24/7 when im in the balkans. i remember our first night in sarajevo and it was already dark out and i stood on the balcony of his flat and there was a girl singing "lazes zlaso lazes duso" in the bar on the opposite side of the street. and i had that feeling again. and i was like the guy in the sickos comic standing there like "yes ahaha yes!!!". anyway, just something i wanted to mention.)

3. so we went to this event in lausanne on tuesday and to another event today and goddd.... im just becoming more and more of a bitch. because im so sick of these greenwashing pseudosustainable entrepreneur bitches. fucking hypocrites. for people who've never touched grass in their entire lives, they sure claim to know a lot about nature.

4. so remember the poll i posted a couple of days ago? well, ive been dreaming about going to skating summer camp and i briefly mentioned it to my student when we went to buy ice skates in lausanne together. and... he sent me 1000 chf. i was shocked! so yeah im going to figure skating summer camp ahhhh im so excited!!!!!! so it's gonna be me, him and his wife. and i'll see if my bestie wants to come too. it's gonna be so epic oh my god!

so it's in july and it's gonna be 2 hours of skating plus 1 hour of gym every day + sporty activities throughout the whole day + extra private skating and choreography lessons if you want. and it's gonna be in this beautiful place in the mountains! my student's parents have a chalet there so he said we can sleep there if we don't want to sleep in the dormitories. im so excited you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wondermentishere]

word to my tropical virgo north node... i get so bored and lose interest when i dont have a solid plan of execution. i was feeling good killing it at work all day then it just went down hill cause ive been down about my work out plans. i feel like i am definitely gaining muscle but i want real functional strength. im still trying to figure out how to incorporate body weight exercises with my weight training. ive also been cracking down tracking my calories because ive just been gaining more and more weight since ive started t again. i already have an extremely round face and putting on more pounds just adds to the moon effect.

the shape of my face has bothered me my entire life and echoes of my sister telling me i have a moon face and no chin replays pretty much everytime i look in the mirror. i dont think im ugly but.. it makes me dysphoric and i contemplate getting plastic surgery. i think im too scared something will go wrong or ill come out looking worse so id rather just stick with what i have and lose weight to slim it down overall.

good news though, ive been practicing on my new guitar atleast 30 minutes everyday this past week. its been frustrating to learn the instrument my entire life because ive never had proper guidance to even know what i need to be focused on when i practice to progress. story of my life. but ive been playing for a solid 3 years now (minus last year) and i feel like its starting to click more and more. i really want to merge with the instrument until it becomes an extension of my soul. i feel like to get there i have to get to point where im practicing like 8 hours a day. im not sure if thatll happen but im going to try!! i also want to learn other instruments though and become a true musician and make beautiful music that spreads positivity and hope in the world.

music has been my bestfriend lately. last night i spent so many hours just thinking about life and crying while listening to magic that artists have put so much work and effort into. its just so beautiful and its the reason why i dont feel completely lonely right now.

[addictivepsychology]

Day 58

I’m sadly home

We had our third date and it was so great,

It never works out the way you think it will, but this time it did

With snacks and blankets and pillows, we laid and looked at the stars

Conversations for hours and sweet barely touches

We didn’t get to see the comet, but my view was better than that could ever be

You’re awkward and funny and I feel safe

I think

I hope you’ll be comfortable with me eventually, it takes time

I couldn’t stop smiling on the way home

Now I’m inspired, I’m going to paint

The post vacation depression has started, I was constantly excited for too many days and now I’m depleted

Also a toothache

5 more days of medication, and I think it’s working

I can’t wait to kiss you

I told you that when I got home and you said yes

But who knows how you feel

Or even if you’ve thought about it

Because men don’t normally do that

I’ll be able to plan all of my dates then, after I get a negative test

I really can’t wait until we can talk again

Id be lying if I said I haven’t thought about you every day

I’m still really broken about what I did

And I’m so so sorry, but I’m human

I make mistakes, It was nice to be normal again

I’ll bake for you in hopes that you’ll forgive me

And maybe see I’m not that person most of the time

I just hope one day you’ll understand

You’ll come back at the end of the week from your work training and I’ll be done with my meds then

But I have to wait 10 days to test again

What will I do if it’s not gone, ill cry

I need to start up my hobbies again

Gaming

Painting

Art

Movies

Going on night drives

Starting to get reliant on others for happiness and I can’t be there again

Ive been thinking about the break up lately

I’m so happy I did it but I know the scars are here

I wish I could pull them out like rope but it’s not that easy

I almost feel guilty for dating when I’m not emotionally fully available

Even though I put myself out there as if I am

I know it’ll show colors in the future

But how can I fix that,

But most people aren’t emotionally available but they also aren’t self aware enough to realize it then they hurt people

Like Mr hippie, who told me that he gets bored usually after 2-3 months and parts ways, but that’s your emotional baggage

What do I do with that information,

That’s for you to sort through instead of hurting more people

We all know you’re looking for something you’ll never reach, but it’s not

My responsibility

To make sure that you don’t hurt me in the process

I almost left while you were in the shower,

I guess it would’ve hurt less than this

You’re like me in some ways though,

Open book but a shallow one, the pages will always turn but the emotions are missing

One day I’ll tell you all of this if you choose to forgive me

But men are like cats now,

They need space

A lot of space

I’m not good with spaces of any size,

They confuse me, just tell me what you want

Even though you don’t know what you want

I don’t know what I want

I know I want

You

[spookywhisperswizard]

ive always known. ive always know it wasn’t just my ‘hormones’. ive always known that my mood swings weren’t normal and ill ‘grow out of them’.

last year when i was in therapy, my doctor said that i had strong symptoms towards an emotionally unstable personality disorder. this played on my mind FOR MONTHS. it made sense. my moods were up and down more than a fucking yo-yo.

however, in the past 3/4 months, i have come to the conclusion that it’s more likely borderline personality disorder. the scariest mental illness. the untreatable mental illness. the one that has stopped my best friend from ever working a day in her life again.

just them 3 letters - b p d.

im going to be a teacher for crying out loud. i can’t be mentally unstable! how am i going to have the patience to teach. im so scared that this illness is going to change my whole damn world. i know it’s possible to be a teacher with bpd. but i can’t help but feel like if my school find out, i won’t be trusted.

bpd is such a stigmatised mental disorder. we are collectively seen as violent, unapproachable, unpredictable, rude and aggressive. how will i ever prove i am good enough and not like the stigma attached to them 3 letters?

ill be honest, im still not 100% to terms with it. but the way i act and the way i have been in the past proves it.

my childhood trauma, my drunk abusive dad, the bullying by my ‘best friends’, coming to terms with my sexuality, multiple attempts, and countless amounts of scars over my entire body - this is the reason i am who i am. a 24 year old with borderline personality disorder who is training to become an english teacher, who wants to eventually become a head of year, struggling ever fucking day with her brain.

probably the biggest trait i am struggling most with is the ‘favourite person’. over the past 24 hours, ive realised who my favourite people have been and it has changed everything.

A was my first.

C was my second.

K is my current.

A and C make sense. but K? never in a million years did i think a 41 year old man would be the person i want to be with constantly. the person i want to care for and constantly make sure is okay. but he ignored me.

and im not coping with it at all.

sometimes, well - most of the time, i just want my brain to stop. nothing anyone can say changes the way i feel, i am never going to be good enough.

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

REA$$UR@nc3 Rice .!!!!<3

GuandulASS pigeon Peepee peas<3 n reassurance rice …. r so yummy.!! w chorizoos n spams n chili oil:) Okokokkkkk so i hasnt written blogzz posts in a WHILEEZZ cuz ive been SAD CUZ I HAS NO MORE ADDERALLL N I BEEN takin lotzz of time 2 b semi domesticatedd .!! my tummy hurtz from k crampz n bein shemxii n im at a macdonaldzz rn drinkin a carmel fappeH. :-} i luv eating reasusrancess rices cuz it means my boyfriend luvs meh even tho brown rice is rly crunchie n he is cute in his daddy cardigan:-]] N CAMEL MILK MAKES U PREGENANET.!!!

we walkeDd 2 da wrong sapphire strwipp club n dese white ppl in front of us were like “is this whut it’s like to feel lik ur in Bushwick.??” Officee mag zine strippah releases wuz fun n kute tho i did leave after 3 min :-] i wuff kholing n trauma dumping in chikfila 4 approxx three hours is littytittttyz n crying ab how many abandonment issuezz u has:-] n linkin wiff fwendzz at starrbarr n farewell n then crying 2gether at market hotel so hard til security asks u if ur ok then ur old situationshipz old roomie whos rly hot tells u they lik ur red assthetic cuz ur like shy n like in luv with them kinda n alsoo u jus got a haircutt at tha same place tht they fucked it up the first time but it wuz kinda good just likk how Tht piercing place off myrtle wycoff fucked ur bridge twice but lik wuz kinda good n lit for ur hippy dippys rn :.?! Every1 deserves 2nd n 3rd chancezz to redo piercings On ur body n haircutz cuz piercings can b removed n hair grows back.!!! n Everything 😃🙃 is temporary lik permanenttattooz .!!! N berlin guy at markett who asked meh to go into baffroom wiff him to do his Berlin K MADE MEH CRY.!!!!!!!

I luvv going on the train N reminiscing ab old aptzz u Ated max N cheeze in N doing K in the park in broaddayy Lite in chinatown shaming our ex’s in deep addiction while we snort deeply n Hard in front of Children while All my cute clothes From the Xxtra virgin Popup shoppeeepee kinda fall off of meh N i almost Stole their chinese leggings then realized While after i paid n was pretending to listen to another artistss story ab their visual art piece then i had an anxiety attack.!!!!!!! beijing yogurt is LIT.!!!

i am still UNMEDICATED FOR MY ADHD N I DUNTTT KARE ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE .!!!’ my indexxx finger has 3 holes on it from stabbing myself unintentionallt wiff tagging Gun n yessh im annoyed cuz the office i work at w three earth signs n A PUPPY is still acting lik everythin i say is WEIRD n fat shaming shelly duvAll n they told meh to turn my music lowerr cuz u cullds hear moi music thRu my dollskilzz Bedazzled kitty headphonezz . :-[ im sad ab my crush who i stood up at carmallows 2 yrs ago but mercury gatorades is best in the flavor CHERRY GLACIER.!!!!!!

yEth my eyebrows r growinn out rn N r awkward n Yethh my kuromi socks r sticking out of my WOODENjeffreyy campbells Rn n Yethh my nipple piercings still haves pus inside AND outside N yethh i still has aKUTE pain of my rite shoulder as a diagnosis on my Mychart in callen Lourde N Yethh istill am doing k in the bathroom B4 n After my 9amtherapyy appointmentzz dere n Yethh dressing more n more slutty unconsciously for each appointment n workday N Yethh i did tell my therapist i think Theyy r the type of queer adult thtt dresses like a comfortable baby AKA all queer adultss wear overallz n sweater vests n lik make it shemxy n Kute in their own way cuz thts Faggot Fashion.!!!!

IM PEEINGG AT DIS MCDONALDZZ N DERE IS HAIR ALL OVER THE SINK N ALL OVER THA FLOOR N ALL OVER THAA TOILETT N IM SCARED SOMEONEE RIPPED OUT ALL THEY HAIR FROM DEYY HEAD JUS TO MAKE A STATEMNTTT RN N IT MAKES MEHH RLY SAD WHEN MY BOYFRIEND ALMOST TRIPS BC THEN I AM IN A FRAGILE EMOTIONAL STATE BC I AM SAD BC HE ALMOST FELL BUT DIDNT N THEN IT MAKES ME SAD BC I THOUGHT AB HIM FALLING N NOW BAD IT COULD HAV BEEN BUT HE DIDNTTTTT.!!! also he hass alopicia only on his thighs :/]

i FINALLT CONQUEREDD MY FEAR OF WEED N AM SMOKIN A J WITH QUEEF ALLLLL OVA IT WHILE WATCHING DA SUNSETT N WALKIN 7 BLOCKS 2 FIND DA TAMALE WOMAN WITH MANGOes IN WILLIAMSBURG N NOT FINDING HER :-]]]]]] i bleached my hair 4 times in one dayy last wk cuz of IMPULSIVITY N then havin a mental brekdownz cuz i wuz called “STRABWRRY SHORTCAKE PHEONIX HALEY WILLIAMZZ POLLYPOCKET.” le FUKIN SIGEHH. ii keepss tinkin ab how i wanna get married at oliveGardein but not lik in the soy meat frozen chiggen nugget way.., n how i rly want my boyfriend to divorc his wife .! N how ii made cookie4 u butt ated it n how i offered last bitee 2 u n Den u ated it n now im SAD.!!! N i wanna beat up my sisters boyfriend “KALE”for eating my fried chikkin 1 yr ago.!

i luv gettin airdropped selfies of peoples vaginas with their fingers spreading it open on Tha train n gettin picked up by Latinx uber drivers whose names r Chang Chiu n kholing in the basement of Hawaaiinn restaurantsz n doin our makeups for 25 minzz dereess . KATCH ME in likeee three More music videozz cumming out soon N also in la la landds this thurs til mondayzz n plannin diss chiggens fashion show in June tht my boss says i need to “LOWERR MY EXPECTATIONS FOR…” :-] <3 <3 i kunt wait 2 c mybestie dere who just rolled their ankle n got their tires popped n has a frog obsession n a pet opposum named mochi :-] <3 <3

Xxx, have safe seggs, or NOT,,,,,, N never trust a bride who is a PODATRIST…!!!!,

renny Xcx <3 <3

Vroom vroom.!!!! :-D

[boop-beep-boop]

ive loved this book to death since like 4 years ago but the 2 sequels were NOT THAT GOOD and theyre such obscure books so i have no idea why i'm posting this but anyways i present: endling: the last was a literal masterpiece and it's sequels were just disappointing.

also this is kind of a shitpost because of the terrible spelling, grammar and formatting. like i said, im not even making this post for anyone

unrealistic ending

 dude a felivet is capable of murdering several trained soldiers at once. realistically, the kazar wouldve overpowered most humans. even if khara was skilled and agile enough to beat him ina normal fight, it was a. a 1v2, b she was severely wounded. her injury took 6 hours of magic for her to be able to LIVE, at this point its just plot armour. also, considering her 2 enemies were willing to fight each other instead of teaming up to defeat the wounded 15yo chanllenging them, it wouldve been at least realistic for her to pit them against each other, to make things a lot easier for her, but noOoOoO, she challenges them to a 1v2. voluntarily. bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

it lacks much of what the first book had. the first book was amazing because of a few things 1. char development 2. realistic emotional moments 3. simple pace 4. good worldbuilding and interesting adventures 5. the sense of found family and togetherness, as they meet new people and trust them and become a new family

the first book wonderfully showed a child whose whole family/species had been brutally murdered, and how she dealt with grief and survived as an endling. and built a new family. it does a great job of introducing the world and its species, its hierachy, its polictics, systems, so on so forth. it makes you cry so much because of how emotional and painful it is.

the third book? hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaahahaha

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. 1. i believe that the book was originally only meant to be a single book, but was later given 2 sequels. which is why most of byx's character development and learning is finished in book 1, and some of it in book2. by book3, instead of a child clinging onto morals and lessons from her family, she's now a mature person who has the least subtle morals running around her head. she has less depth and is just... so unsubtle. 2. most of her grieving is over. she rarely mentions her family, or her past. you cld say that its good that she moved on, but no, she doesnt even hang on to the lessons she learned from her pack. which in book1, she would reiterate constantly, because her pack was such an integral part of her life. as it should be! but now, she's "moved on", except she just... sorta forgets them. a quick namedrop wouldve been nice every now and then, to show how they and her childhood impacted her. 3. war preparations arent simple, but the pacing is just... all over the place. 4. as Ambassador, the adventures in the book are now. just. politics. diplomatic meetings. and as an important person now, byx is a lot more protected and deals with a lot less setbacks and conflicts. so the adventrues are just... not interesting. 5. the group is separated for most of the book. sure, you do need the top level people to multitask when preparing for a war, but... it's lost the sense of togetherness, the sense of the few of them against the world, travelling around, having their adventures together, just them, dealing with shit together. and thats what found family is about, at least in books 1 and 2. 

writing this has made me realize what the problem is, this book is just closure. closure to the cliffhangers of "war is coming" in the earlier books, and it just wants to tie up loose strands and provide an ending. but that means that this consumes the whole book and makes it... not fun. closure is necessary, like for instance, all in was a better finale part than the hardest thing. but the hardest thing was necessary to end the story and bring closure. thing is, the hardest thing is 30 minutes. the entireity of amphibia is around 20 hours long. meanwhile, endling book3 was one third of the series. AND the hardest thing was STILL more riveting than book3. war preparations ARE boring. and book3 was completely consumed by it. 

okayy so i wrote this last year and i re-read the trilogy (its like, the first book i read with my face ;))))))))))) then because the next 2 books EXIST, not that theyreup to standard, or in the case of book3, GOOD, i read them, but just very quickly skim through the second half of 2 and all of 3 with my face '_', i cant just NOT read them after reading book1, yaknow?) so im thinking 

so i really hate the final climax fight, right?

i mean they literally said the arrow was barbed and 3 inches deep (thats 7.5cm. SEVEN POINT FIVE MOTHERFUCKING CENTIMETRES DEEP, NOT TO MENTION THE BARBED ARROWHEAD WOULD LEAD TO A WIDE WOUND AS WELL), and the blood was literally PUMPING from her chest. no offence but thats a death sentence. 

okay so, magic was involved. but reminder that you can only start learning and using theurgy after 15, and renzo was only a year past 15, but we know he wouldnt have time to study theurgy while travelling with the gang, and all his knowledge comes from the first few months of him being of age. meaning, he is NOVICE AS FUCK.

i am fine with the notion of khara keeping her life because he was quick to do his whatever first aid and then his 6 hours of magic encantations or whatever, but it is RIDICULOUS that she could WALK and TRAVEL normally AND THEN EVEN GO FIGHT THE MOST BIGGEST AND MOST FORMIDABLE FIGHTERS OF THE PLACE

IF A FEW-MONTH-OLD MAGIC PRACTITIONER CAN DO THAT THEN THE POPULATION OF NEDARRA/DREYLAND SHOULD BE FUCKING IMMORTAL OKAY, IF A NOVICE CAN DO THAT, THE OLD PPL WHO ARE WIZARDS OR WHATEVER AND DEDICATE THEIR LIVES TO THEURGY SHOULD BE ABLE TO IMMORTALIZE YOU OR REVERSE YOUR AGE OR SMTH

anyways  this is ALL BULLSHIT OKAY so waht im thinking is a re-write

book3 is kinda unsavable cuz like i said, i cant stand the politics and lack of the gang being together, but at least i can kind of try to save this plot-armour-dependant, illogical and annoying to read section

consider this: the bandits took the 3 by surprise because they were just chilling and chatting and rather laid back right? but renzo, becuase him following them was entirely to watch out for them, and he also had to look out in case THEY see him, would be on high alert.

so im thinking, what if the first arrow wasnt spot-on, but instead whizzed past khara, maybe nicking/slicing her a little, leading the same scene where she stops talking and byx to be confused, but as she has no idea what happened and it came outta nowhere, she doesn't really react to it. but renzo immediately sees the arrow and figures its an attack, and since khara isnt moving outta the way, he spurs his horse on very quickly and just gallops in front of her as a meat shield and the next arrow hits him instead. 

THEN khara reacts and is like HWAT THE ACTAL FUCK and once her brain processes the situation she is enraged out of her fucking mind and goes Apeshit™ on the bandits with her cool shiny sword and kills the fuck outta them. then the same scene in canon happens, just in reverse, shes panicked as fuck and yelling for byx n tobble to bring shit and do shit for her as she tries to save his life, only problem is she doesnt know magic so...

either 1. the arrowhead isnt barbed or it didnt hit any vital organs, so she can deal with it without magic

she sends byx to go find help, find a nearby armyofpeace affiliated village where they can send supplies and medics

he fucking dies LMAO

okay no 3 is just sad although it wouldnt affect the ending where they kill the kazar and the murdano its kind of a pointless death and it will make the ending feel more empty. also you KNOW to DEATH that khara and byx r gonna blame themselves (theyre gonna do it when hes wounded as well but you know itll be a million times worse if he effing DIES) and anyways no one in byx's new family shall die it WONT HAPPEN ON MY WATCH

okay so not 3 lmao

1 and 2 dont have THAT big a difference, also i am currently spouting the word "rewrite" but in actuality im never gonna actually write this out into a fully fleshed fanfic/rewrite/wahtever so it doesnt matter that much, just the idea is that he takes the shot and is seriously wounded in place of her (but lives, yay) 

khara kind of wants to call off the mission so that she can care for him but everyone tells her that this oppurtunity (both dicators just... being out there to be dueled, without their MASSIVE FUCKING ARMIES) wont ever come back once she misses it, so she, byx n tobble rush to the final fight

the final fight goes as it does in canon, just that she is ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF FIGHTING this time, also she strategically lets the kazar and the chimera fight it out first, then swoops in to challenge them when theyre both beaten down a little. okay then everything goes as it did, just with more very cute and sweet and emotional scenes when she returns and takes care of him

yes i am a sucker for cliche character-meatshields-and-saves-other-character's-life  scenes but this is the only time ever that its not purely self-indulgent okay, canon scene is just. not. realistic.

i have.... more complaints.

firstly, # justiceforgambler bruh, why isnt he in the epilogue??? book1 loyalists could even argue that he mattered more than renzo, but regardless of that, it should be the 5 of them as a family. why was it randomly just 4 of them????? bro hes an integral part of the gang and a main cast member i swear why isnt he in the epilogue? OR IN BOOK 3, AS A MATTER OF FACT?? HE BARELY HAS A PRESCENCE?????? maxyn and sabito, who i do not give any shits about, get 20 times more screen time than a main cast member who saved the gang multiple times. 

speaking of screentime and gambler, WE NEEDED MORE SCENES OF GAMBLER AND RENZO?!?!??! have we all forgotten that one scene where they bonded over being math nerds, and that other scene where they had a mini trip together  to set fire to some shit?? arson bros for life 

anyways theyre totally huge bros but we were ROBBED of more interactions and scenes with them, in favour of BORING DIPLOMATIC MISSIONS AND CONVERSATIONS INVOLVING EITHER BORING MAXYN OR BORING POLITICAL FIGURES. 

speaking of maxyn, i fucking hate him?? imo his character was handled really poorly, really really poorly. (yeah ik hes a good guy but hes badly written so i hate him) the scene where his dad dies is really bad?? for one, byx, little miss i-have-no-tact, when someone crying over their dead dad reminds you of you crying over your own dead family, you dont say "i know how you are feeling" like what??? what kind of comfort is that??? if anything, im pretty sure people feel WORSE when they hear of others also having their parents DIE. also, no offence, but you DID indirectly cause the death, so uh, i dont think you should be even trying to comfort him.

also the death doesnt ever get brought up again?? it feels incredibly pointless?? like if elexor had ran off on a boat nothing about the story would change. the pacing is kinda crazy too? he dies outta nowhere and in like 2 pages the dude is over his death and in the next forever and ever, no one even cares anymore

i have more reasons that his character is bad but at this point im rambling to do waht? discredit the sequels to my favourite book? im sleepy bruh i just spent 2 hours of my life on this??? also i keep on making references to a fandom of sorts even though there is literally no fandom 

bye