#ive been crying for like an hour straight
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Guess who is back in their gravity falls phase! (After it being dormant for almost a decade!)
#gravity falls#dipper pines#mabel pines#stanley pines#stanford pines#pines twins#pines family#the pine brothers#bill chiper#the book of bill#billford#yes i read the book#yes i went thru the webite for hours straight#yes i rewatched the show#yes i just got journal 3 and rhe comic bc this fixation is consuming my life again#yes im learning to decipher the codes too now#yes ive been crying nonstop for like two or so weeks straight bc I love this show sm my bags are really bad im starting to look like Ford#book of bill is so toxic old yaoi and i was so along for the ride thru and thru lmao#did i mention that i really reallly love this show?
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 馃槶)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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my roommate and I drank/hung out/talked for hours last night and then I slept thru the whole night 馃グ feeling so much better tbh. Still stressed abt the godforsaken bedbug situation but less so now that I've had a chance to likeee be mentally ill & say stupid jokes to my roommate & sleep. I still dont want to pay >1k$ to get the situation handled, but I'm coping better at least lollllll
#he and i dont rly hang out usually like once in a while we will make dinner together n chill during that#but we hung out on the kitchen/porch chatting and drinking for like 4 hours and it was fun :3 im rly glad ive got good roomies#cant even begin to describe how much better it made me feel likeeee i was sitting on the porch smoking and straight up crying before#my stress level has been like. halved.#im also miraculously not hung over despite not eating all day + drinking a bottle of vodka so maybe my life is getting better lol im hoping
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Do mechanites cry?
#rolling with difficulty#vrla rwd#mrsn rwd#vr la rwd#mr sn rwd#art i made#yet another thing i drew then just fully forgot to post LMAO#man i had to listen to 3.7 like 3 times for this. goddammit#easter egg: the 4 big infernal books in the shelf all say contract law like its a textbook series i guess#the small one next to them says Doctor Faustus bc i was looking to my irl bookcase for inspiration#and the christopher marlowe play was one of my alevel lit texts#also i think it would be really funny if the devils have their own version of the story of the deal with the devil guy#honestly this may have been the kinda. last straw of my burnout cuz this was a lot of time spent on a lot of stuff im really not good at#and none of it turned out... exactly how i wanted but oh well. it is what it is#ok the kinda annoying thing about me spending far too fucking long drawing super emotional scenes like this is i kinda#desensitise myself to whatever im drawing. like i felt it the most with the demon possession comic i casually tossed into the discord#bc thats the exact kinda angst i personally LOVE but it just doesnt have the same punch after ive been staring at it for 5 hours straight#(anyway go read cal's fic about it its on ao3 and its bloody good)#all this to say. when i first listened to 3.7 and austin had that exchange of like#'noir can i ask you a lore question' 'sure..?' 'do mechanites cry?'#i straight up got fuckin CHILLS. and sometimes i forget that but i try to force myself not to
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every time it's the end of the year i feel like i'm going insane like the entire year just culminates into me just mcfreaking losing it on new years eve
#first of all i am so tired. my cat is on this horrible schedule where she wakes up at like 11pm and so i end up staying up to play with#her until like 2am bc im like she slept all day she needs to play which is fine but i get up at 7 every morning and so ive been doing this#for like 2 weeks straight and im so tired. so last night at like 1am i was just playing with her just sobbing bc im so tired#but i feel so guilty just going to sleep when she wants to play so im like im not just going to not play so im sitting my bed#throwing her stupid little yarn for her just crying and she's like :) watching me throw it back and forth im like ok.#but that's whatever bc idc i'll do anything for her#then since saturday there has been this Smell in my hallway and i have looked everywhere for it and i dont even know what it is#but it's like a sour kind of just really irritating smell and it's not strong but it just lingers#and ive searched EVERYWHERE. and nothing is wrong so now i'm thinking maybe#something died on the roof in my bathroom vent fan thing bc i leave my bathroom window open all the time but#last night it was almost completely closed bc it was cold last night and i was like ok yeah it's stronger in here now#so i just taped a trash bag over it to see if it goes away and if that's it then i have to deal with that#also im getting my period so i know that's why im upset at all#then i have a lost package that ive been waiting for since a week before christmas and i was like hey can you guys like help me find my#package like it's not the company's fault but i wanted to know if they could like idk contact the shipper or something#and theyre like oh it's just tracking error :) it's on it's way#like ok. it's in a city an hour away from me and it's been in limbo between ups and usps since the 19th so no it's actually not coming at#all i think but they keep blowing me off#then i have to go to the store right now and i know it's going to be so crowded and anyway ok im done dumping and complaining#i just feel like im drowning rn but im going drink so much champagne tonight and forget it all
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i dont know how i can simultaneously feel like i should just die and that i have so much potential that i could be great. what does that even mean
#i so so so badly want to get better#if i continue like this i will die like straight up.#i feel so strong yet so weak at the same time#i want to just give the fuck up and yet there is something that will not let me die as if i have more potential than this#it鈥檚 like i KNOW i can be better than how i feel right now i KNOW ive got it in me#i am just so overcome with grief and stress that i cannot access tjat part of me#idk ive been crying for an hour. and i feel as if my only two options are to kill myself or to get my shit together#idk idk idk idk idk#making no sense
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 馃珷#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 馃槶
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#i nee d help i tjink . yeah.#someone help me i cant stop i cant stop#ive been listening to these two for like what almost an hour straight. what the fuck is wrong with me#(plenty. but thats beside the point)#god i need to shut the fuck up and go to bed but i need to cry all my tears first#sleep token
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tatimaxxing (something big just happened to me but i can't talk about it on this blog because ive posted face)
#my friend's in the hospital again so i spent 20 on an uber with my other friend to go see her#but by the time we got there visiting hours were over 馃槶#so we just had dinner at the park#and i told her about The Big Terrible Thing for the first time#straight through without embellishment! yay! i think at least#because ive retold the story in so many different ways that im not actually sure what happened anymore#she was like super chill about it though!! and was like im really impressed that you actively made an effort to not be [REDACTED]#not really what she said more like Making An Effort to No Longer [Redacted]#redacted as an action not as a noun blah blah you know#and she told me about how shes faced discrimination at our super homogeneously chinese church which i feel REALLY BAD ABOUT BUT I DON'T KNOW#HOW TO EXPRESS IT TO HER OR WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶 GIRL HELP#im being so useless and chinese about it 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶 i don't know how to talk to people about things that matter#and idk like ok v non-tatimaxxing of me to say but ive been so self centered and going Wahhh these normies will never experience my#Deep Secret Emotions unlockable only by spending too much time on tumblr as a child#on the other hand i feel like once this has gotten out of the way i don't really have an excuse for not connecting with my church friends#yknow. like i don't have to hide this from them any more#they're great people!! and they're going through so much and I need to be there for them but I couldn't even get tothe stupidhospital on tim#not cry typing just ran out of space#anyway I wish I could care more about them I wish I could make genuine connections without having to lie to feel some sort of weird#rush of power over them because I know the truth and they don't when I lie so much I don't even know what the truth is#I've been putting my face on here more lately because I want to be genuine and I want to not hide things#but idk if it'll work I think it might just make me unemployable 馃槶馃槶馃槶#cc diary
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I think atp I have to learn to live w the fact I'll be stuck this way fr
#this is the heaviest ive been and its not even funny like#but tbf ive been sitting down a lot#but also i was fucking starving for 3weeks straight and I GAINEDD weight ???????????#like nothing is working should i just end it all#i need to get checked for pcos like my mom says because there's like no fuvking way this is normal#i dont think i should be gaining 10kgs despite like skipping 2 meals and walking for hours while reciting/reviewing while studying#like for my english and eco exam i barely sat down to study unless i was writing something#and i still gained 5+ kgs#this is so unbelievable i dont even feel like crying this is so fucking absurd im doomed theres. nothing i can do#og#tw weight
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perhaps also related to the fact that i am scheduled to close this weekend with the person who was apparently laughing about how a year ago there was a supervisor chat without me Specifically for the purpose of shit talking me
and im supposed to treat her graciously after that? get Fucking real.
#speculation nation#negative/#like. i will. i'll treat her politely as is expected of me working with someone i dont like#even though that wasn't a courtesy extended to me by the people last year. including her apparently!#i dont know why she's come back. i want to gut her like a fish.#i dont think i mentioned that but i learned a few weeks ago that she was laughing about this to a few employees#who called her out for it. which makes me feel very grateful to them.#how fucking immature though. resorting to bullying and ostracizing in a workplace environment.#this was the bullshit that had me fucking Sobbing bc of it all. and you're Laughing about it?#you saw the day that girl screamed at me & how i cried for a half hour straight in storage#until i finally pulled myself together enough to work (though i was still next to tears for Hours)#me. a person who cries Maybe 4 times a year. if even. it had me struggling that hard to not cry.#and this is Funny to you? it's Funny that i was treated like that? just because you all didnt like me bc i was Too Confrontational?#a: im as confrontational as i need to be to avoid problems festering. as a grown fucking adult should be.#and b: even if you didnt like me that's still fucked UP#what the fuck is WRONG with you people??????? why do you take so much glee from my pain?#and again. in a fucking place of work. i know it's food service but Please. have some basic fucking professionalism.#i dont know how im supposed to get through this shift. im so fucking angry at it all.#the anger and frustration has been cycling faster and faster in my heart and i want to Hurt Things but there's nothing im allowed to hurt#so what am i to do? how do i get rid of this feeling? i know what ive done in the past but im not allowed to do that now#with nothing to do im just blasting this fucking song. maybe if i play it loud enough it'll fix me.
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anyone else crying uncontrollably over nothing today 馃榿 (srs plea to gauge how normal this is)
#its like in weird bursts i feel fine rn#but i was straight up wailing like a minute ago and ive been crying some off n on for hours and it is. so confusing....#prolly just some hormonal bs i have no idea but like. please? what tha hell? its happened a few times in the last 2 weeks#but its also never happened like this b4 a period previously. usually i have 1 single big cry like a few days before and im otherwise#so fucking normal and fine -- if Anything happens at all!#this is devastatingly disruptive and confusing and honestly a little scary#idk whats going on idk how normal or abnormal this is#i just know its making me feel insane#it speaks!#dl
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ashy. are you like. okay
mumb- mumbo. jumbo.
#.asks#ive been crying for like an hour straight i have a headache already LMAO#but yes. thank you for asking :D
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i am going to go fucking insane from sleep deprivation atp i genuinely want to sob
#txt#personal#like i ran three days straight off not even a collective or cosecutive 8 hours.#got 5 hours last night and thats the most ive been able to get in days#i keep almost falling asleep to nap then something wakes me up#and i am so annoyed bc nothing is giving me a break today so im just overstimulated as fuck#and i have to go drive and leave the house again#i just wanna sleep and cry#and i want to be able to enjoy my time rn especially with my company but i can鈥檛 bc i鈥檓 just exhausted beyond words & in pain
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love starting something to help with my confidence and now three months in, my worst fears have been confirmed and also ive been told meaner things than even i have said to myself
#i think ive just been numb all weak since crying for hours abt it on monday lol#im not feeling anything#also am i supposed to just ignore what this man told me?#that i need to stop trying so hard bc im never really going to be that good#like bestie i already knew i was never going to be on the west end but why are you telling me this while im actively sobbing#why did you make me tell you i was happy with myself for a failing grade#why did you make it so so clear that you personally were failing me even if the quote unquote system would round it up#anyway im mad#man isnt even a qualified singing teacher and has never acted ever#also i know for a fact ive had further music education than him lmao#and that he keeps on spreading straight up misinformation about how music works#in a trying to simplify it way but has actually made it so itll be impossible for anyone trying to figure out music in the future#its so so so easy tp teach the basics of sheet music
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i'm really mad because i saw an Emo Band bracket but i got to the poll too late to spread my mayday parade propaganda so i'm here to remind anyone seeinf this that Mayday Parade by Mayday Parade is the best album ever made ever. You agree
#ive only been listening 2 metal and metal adjacent bands for many many months and moons now but i still think pop punks the best genre#just like ever conceived of#mayday parade would never win against like. mcr or fob but like... their older stuff is so good man#unless you sat there crying to terrible things on loop for 5 hours straight you wouldn't GET it
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