#ive always had issues with the management but i felt like i didn't have to handle it that much bc im not full time

[florida3exclamationpoints]

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[slvt4felix]

I Could Never Hate You (Part IV)

Pairing -> ninthmember!reader x Lee Minho WC -> ~4,000 words Includes -> hurt/comfort, pretty heavy angst, anxiety and anxiety attack, some panicking, friendship issues (but finally some communication!!!!) Summary -> Your anxiety has been getting worse all day. Typically, Hyunjin would be the first person you would go to, but unfortunately, the two of you are not on great terms. What are you supposed to do when your best friend is avoiding you at all costs? Author's Note -> Yayy!! I have finally finished this fic. It was originally only supposed to be one part, but I'm so happy with the story it has turned into. I'm sorry it took so long, college has been kicking my ass. But thank you guys for all the support! Let me know what you think :)

♡ Masterlist // Previous ♡

Walking off stage, you fear that air will never come. It's been building up for hours at this point, and it's not a huge surprise that the peak of your anxiety has finally hit. Despite it being your biggest dream since you were a child, the concerts have never been as great as you’d hoped they would be. You loved getting to see the fans and mess around on stage with the rest of the members, but you were never quite able to shake the stage fright or the uncomfortable feeling brought on by thousands of eyes watching you. The concerts did slowly get better. They have felt more natural and exciting for you lately, but it seems as if you've taken a step back today. Or maybe it would be better classified as a trip or a fall. You aren’t quite sure why the concerts haven’t made you as nervous as they used to when you first debuted. Perhaps you were desensitized to all the screams and fans’ stares, or maybe it was the fact that Hyunjin was always by your side to reassure you. But now what? After everything that happened, Hyunjin doesn’t seem exactly eager to help you through it.

You were very worried to go on the stage, as things were already not going well today. You were hopeful when you first woke up, surrounded by warmth and comfort in Minho's arms. It felt as if anything was possible, and you were eager to fix up all the problems that had been created over the past few days. But it wasn’t as easy as it sounds. The day has gone downhill from the moment you crawled out of bed. Now it's finally the end of the day, all that's left to do is change and leave the venue, but it seems like even that task is going to be quite difficult.

You were the first to rush off stage as soon as everyone started to say their goodbyes. You managed a wave and a quick goodbye before you left, too distracted by your emotions to even tell if the boys were far behind. You hoped the fans wouldn't notice anything out of the blue, but you had made it fairly well throughout the concert, and the boys had some of their best acting faces on. So hopefully the fans would spare you this one moment. You knew you didn't have long before you would break, and you hate crying in front of the fans. Even if you could simply play it off as being overwhelmed with gratitude for them, it didn't feel right. So you left, as quickly as you could.

Your anxiety was building all throughout the day, and the consequences had exploded while on stage. All you needed to do was dance and sing your little heart out, but instead, all you could feel was your heart racing and the weight of the microphone clenched tightly in your sweaty hands. Over time, it just got worse and worse, and your chest got tighter and tighter. The sweating was definitely not only from the dancing. You couldn’t give your best to the fans like you normally do, and even that’s enough to send your anxiety through the roof. What if they notice? What will they think?

Entering the backrooms behind the stage is humbling as you notice multiple staff members watching you. You take a shaky breath still trying to calm down enough to make it somewhere more private. Your first instinct is to head straight to the bathroom, but your subconscious stops you as you remember what Hyunjin always used to tell you. It used to be a habit of yours to go to the bathroom and lock the door when you started to panic, wanting to handle it all by yourself. But once Hyunjin started helping you through your anxiety, he always told you not to, so that he or the other members were able to reach you more easily. Not to mention, being on the outside of a locked door when the person inside is upset is not usually a good situation to be in. Which is understandable, but it’s hard to think clearly when you can barely breathe.

You push through the hesitation, heading to the bathroom anyway. You know Hyunjin is a good person and would definitely comfort you if you asked him, even when he’s angry. However, you had no plans to actually approach him about that, and it’s doubtful that he would even notice your suffering in the first place if his avoidance while on stage is anything to go by. So, the bathroom it is.

Hyunjin has reassured you many times that you aren’t a burden to him, so it wasn’t hard to reach out to him over the years when you needed help. But that also means that you didn’t let many of the other members see this side of you. So what now? Now that your only support system has been torn apart by some silly fight you don’t even fully understand.

With every step, you rush forward faster and faster, hoping to get alone before the tears in your eyes fully cloud your vision. Just a few more steps until the solitude of the bathroom is all yours.

Well, it was until you feel a sweaty hand grip your wrist lightly. You turn to yell at the owner of the hand, but your awareness fades as tears start to fall, and the lump that had settled in your throat has officially stolen all talking ability. With the possibility of escape being torn from your grasp, you can no longer fight the emotions bubbling up.

You feel the person tuck you under their arm and lead you somewhere else. You realize it’s Hyunjin as the remaining scent of his cologne that hadn’t been sweated off hits your nose. It’s comforting, bringing you back to many of your favorite memories and all the times he has been there in the past. Your brain tries to fight the situation, wanting to resist and pull away from him, but it’s either this or in a smelly bathroom all by yourself. As much as you hate to say it, Hyunjin may just be the right choice in this scenario. He leads you into a room and sits you down on a soft cushion. This room is much quieter, and all of the sounds, smells, and movement that had been overwhelming you are gone. It’s a relief to your senses, but you barely register the change, too overwhelmed with your lack of oxygen.

“You’re okay, you’re safe,” Hyunjin whispers to you in a soft manner as he kneels on the ground in front of you, “everything’s gonna be okay, y/n-ah.” Your eyes are squeezed shut, and you focus purely on Hyunjin’s voice, trying to take back control over your emotions. He used to do a lot more for you, but over time, you’ve learned how to handle them better on your own. So now, his presence is more there for reassurance and grounding while you try to regain your breath and work through your emotions. In this industry, you aren’t always able to leave a room or steal a friend away for help; sometimes you have to get through it yourself.

In the quiet of the room, a cautious knock rings out from the door of the dressing room Hyunjin had brought you to. While the noise goes completely over your head, Hyunjin was prepared for it to come eventually. He sighs as Minho peeks his head inside the door, just as he expected. Due to your newly formed relationship, it wasn’t surprising that he had come to check up on you. Lately, you two were completely up each other’s butts.

It’s just the honeymoon stage, he tries to remind himself.

“Come on in,” Hyunjin whispers gently and motions for Minho to enter. As much as Hyunjin had been shipping the two of you, he hadn’t expected anything to actually happen. It was more of a joke to get a reaction out of you and Minho. However, he soon realized his mistake when your complaints increased tenfold and the rest of the band started pushing harder. It was only a matter of time until one of you came to your senses and realized the feelings you had hidden deep down. He wanted to be happy about it, he really did, but when it actually came down to it, he was too scared to lose you. You’re not only his bandmate, but also his best friend. Someone he would do anything for; someone who has been with him through everything and hopefully will continue to be for the rest of your life. And that right there is exactly what he is afraid to lose.

What if Minho doesn’t want you two to be friends anymore?

What if you don’t have enough time for him?

What if you don’t need him anymore?

It may seem irrational to some people, but oftentimes fear isn’t something you can reason with, and there is nothing you can do about it. There were so many worst-case scenarios running through his head that he had simply blown up. If you had asked him two weeks ago, he would’ve said that he would never ever speak to you in that way. But it happened. You had rushed in, and immediately, all you had to talk about was Minho. Just like usual. And it scared him, so he lashed out.

Yeah, like that’ll solve the issue, he had thought to himself shortly after the encounter. He knew he was in the wrong. He never should have said any of that. He didn’t mean it, and he regretted it deeply. But what is there to do now? How can he fix it?

It seems as if talking it out is mostly off-limits. You’ve both been avoiding each other to the max, and it’s not often that you guys get a moment alone to talk. Not only would you need somewhere to talk, but you would also need to be receptive to what Hyunjin has to say. And that seems very unlikely. If talking it out isn’t an option, what else can he do to fix it? He can’t just sit around anymore; this problem is certainly not going to solve itself. Maybe he could start with his actions and show you just how much he cares. Then you can realize that he is starting to come around to the whole new relationship, and it seems that now is the perfect chance to start mending the relationship.

Minho walks in and settles nervously next to you on the small couch. He raises his hands, but doesn’t touch you, unsure of how exactly to act in this situation. What is his role? Hyunjin sees his hesitation and gently removes one of his hands that was holding yours. Minho gets the idea and takes your clammy palm in his, gently caressing the top of your hand with his thumb.

You focus on the new sensation, and your shoulders sag a little bit as you become a little more aware of what’s going on. Your sobs gradually start to calm down a little as you sit in the quiet room.

“Hey, y/n, can you open your eyes for me?” Hyunjin directs, hoping to make you more aware of your surroundings and help you to focus on what’s around you, as sometimes that can help calm you down.

You follow Hyunjin’s instructions, knowing it’s for the better. It takes a second for your eyes to adjust, but when they do, you’re met with the sight of Hyunjin kneeling in front of you with one of your hands in his. His eyes are full of concern and kindness, and his familiar gaze is nearly enough to calm you right back down. You feel the couch shift slightly next to you and glance over to find Minho sitting beside you. The sight is less familiar, yet it fills your heart with gratefulness and love. No matter what happens, you know that you have your people behind you.

“Hey there, kitten,” he says softly. You can practically hear the nerves in his voice. As the second-oldest member in the group, he is often dealing with issues and dishing out advice, but it’s obvious that this is outside his usual pay grade.

I guess I get special treatment as his girlfriend, you think with a small huff. It’s so hard to be upset around Minho. Well, at least nowadays, previously, he was the cause of your tears. But things have changed… drastically, it appears.

“Are you laughing?” Minho comments in disbelief, a smile growing on his face.

“Just a little, I can’t help it!” You defend against his comment, “You just look so uncomfortable.”

“Hey, give him a break, he’s new to this whole emotions thing,” Hyunjin adds with a teasing grin on his face, relieved that you are feeling better so fast. He knows this isn’t the end. You’ll get through the attacks, but your anxiety doesn’t just go away, especially on bad days. But that doesn’t define you, nor would you let it take away from the good moments.

Minho sends him a glare, and Hyunjin takes that as his sign to leave. It never ends well when you start to tease Minho. It very quickly turns to tissues and threats. A situation he would not like to be in more than once in two days.

Hyunjin gives your hand one final squeeze and stands with an exaggerated groan. “Well, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone,” he says with a playful look of disgust on his face.

Your eyes follow Hyunjin as he makes his exit, confusion starting to cloud your mind as you begin to fully realize the situation.

You turn to Minho quickly, hoping to find answers, “Do you think that means we’re friends again?” Minho’s eyes soften at your words. He knows just how bad this fight has been hurting you, and he wishes with everything in him that he could take your pain away. However, that just wasn’t possible. All you want is your best friend back, and that is something he simply cannot fix.

“I think those are questions you’re gonna have to ask him, sweetheart,” he replies gently, reaching out to wipe the remaining tears from your face. You lean into his side, as your stomach flutters with butterflies. It's a refreshing reminder that even if you're struggling or the day starts going downhill, you always have your people behind you; you’re glad to find that Hyunjin is still one of them.

"Let's go back to the hotel, yeah?" Minho proposes, "I think we've been through enough today." You nod your head sluggishly, agreeing immensely with what he's suggested. All the crying has tired you out, and all you can think of is crawling into a warm bed, right into your boyfriend's arms.

︵‿୨♡୧‿︵

You pad softly down the hotel hallway as the morning sun starts to flood through the window. After the rough night you had, you passed out right after you took a shower. Surprisingly, you actually had a very good night of sleep. Despite the redness from the tears you had shed, your eyes had slipped open quite easily this morning. Maybe the reassurance that Hyunjin still cared was enough to ease you into an actual night of rest.

Somehow, you still haven’t gotten the opportunity to properly talk with him, and it may be something he actually deserves this time. It was kind of him to help you, despite the tension and fighting still present in your relationship. After a quick glance at Minho, you had left the room, hoping to clear the air and make your way to Hyunjin and Felix’s hotel room. You knew it was unlikely for Hyunjin to be awake at this time, the sun just barely risen, but maybe Felix was awake. Then, you could wait for Hyunjin to wake up and catch him before everyone has to head to the venue to start preparing for the concert.

You stop in front of the heavy, wooden door and let out a sigh. This is it. You were going to end this fight once and for all. You just want your best friend back.

Upon knocking, you’re met with a sight you had never expected. Instead of Felix, you’re met with the endearing sight of your best friend. Hyunjin stands there in his pajamas, looking at you with wide eyes. His arms and fingers are covered in what appears to be charcoal, and there’s even a bit smudged on his face.

You let out a small giggle at the sight, intrigued as to what he was up to. His eyes light up at your laugh, “Y/n, what are you doing here? Why are you awake right now?”

“All I can think about is our argument,” you state, not quite answering his question. You push past him, entering his hotel room. Immediately, you notice Felix, lying in one of the beds, scrolling on his phone. He glances up, making eye contact with you, and a smile spreads on his face.

“Finally! It’s about time you guys made up. He won’t stop sulking,” he exclaims as he starts to pull himself out of bed. “Hopefully, you breaking into our room will go a bit better this time, yeah?”

You roll your eyes playfully, remembering the vicious scene from a couple of days prior. Felix walks past you and makes his exit, obviously giving the two of you time to talk things out. When Felix leaves, Hyunjin makes his way further back in the room and takes a seat at the desk next to you. This draws your attention, and you notice the set of supplies strewn across the desk. There are pens, chalks, and charcoals surrounding a sketchbook left open. It’s a sketch of flowers, unsurprising as it’s one of Hyunjin’s most common choices for art. However, this one is even darker than some of his others. You know his art can sometimes feel a bit heavy, but the flowers in this one even appear to be wilted.

Oh, Hyunjin. You think as your heart aches a bit. It’s obvious he’s a bit upset about something, and you think you might just know what the problem is.

“What are you doing up, sleepyhead?” You ask him, deciding to start simple. “Don’t you usually prefer to sleep in?”

“Yeah, but I couldn’t really sleep that well,” he states with a sigh. It’s then that you notice the same redness in his eyes that resides in yours. He must have been upset after he left.

“I see. I like your drawing,” you comment, and Hyunjin immediately flushes.

“Thank you,” he says quietly before turning in his chair and carefully shutting the sketchbook. You hadn’t meant for him to hide it away, but it seems that you were never meant to see it in the first place. You don’t stop him or ask to see more, wanting to keep his art a comfort for him. Instead, you decide to bite the bullet. Small talk would never solve anything. Deep communication was the key, and both of you knew that.

“Why’d you do that?” You ask, your eyes slowly starting to water as the memories come back. “Why would you say those things to me?” At the blunt question, Hyunjin startles a bit, turning back to you. You can tell as he begins to debate what exactly to say in his head, trying to figure out the best way to articulate his thoughts.

“I was afraid to lose you,” he decides to go with. The simple phrase makes you freeze. You weren’t sure what you had expected, but it certainly wasn’t this. He was afraid? What the hell was he talking about with losing you?

“Hyunjin, why would you lose me? I’m right here,” you say gently, trying to reassure the man despite not knowing exactly what the situation was.

“All you would talk about is Minho. Sure, it wasn’t exactly loving words, but still. It was always about you and him. I just miss when it was you and me. I know he’s important to you, but you’re my best friend, y/n-ah. I have no idea what I would even do without you. Who would I laugh with? Who would I confide in? You’re everything to me, and I just sort of freaked out when it seemed like I might lose you for good. But I just pushed you away even more. I’m so sorry.” He rushes out, his voice starting a bit raised and eventually lowering to a near whisper. Despite his ramblings, his explanation does make a lot of sense. You know Hyunjin, and you know he certainly does not believe the things he said about you. Which definitely doesn’t make it acceptable, but at least you know that it was a defense mechanism rather than genuine hatred.

“Oh. I thought you were really upset with me. I couldn’t figure out why you would say those things to me,” you tell him, knowing that it’s important for him to hear how you were feeling, too.

“I know, and I regretted it the moment those words left my mouth. I would do anything to take it back. I promise I support you and Minho. I think I’m finally coming around to the idea. I was just nervous that he wouldn’t want us to be friends anymore.”

“Hyunjin, he has known both of us for such a long time. He would never ask us to do that. He knows how much you mean to me.”

“I know, but I guess I just panicked.”

You sigh at his words. You totally understand how he feels. There have been so many moments where you have accidentally said something you shouldn’t have or behaved rudely as a result of panicking. You step closer to Hyunjin and pull him up to give you a hug. He wraps his arms around you as you rub his back lightly. You feel his tears slightly wet your shirt, but you don’t say anything about it, not wanting to ruin the tender moment.

“It’s okay, Jinnie, I forgive you.” At these words, he hugs you a bit tighter, glad that your friendship is finally okay again.

︵‿୨♡୧‿︵

After both of you had calmed down, the two of you began to reminisce on some of your guys’ best memories over the years. He had even brought up some of the most embarrassing stories of Minho, making you crack up. Gosh, you had missed him so much.

At the reminder of your boyfriend, you excuse yourself, but not before reminding Hyunjin to call Felix back to the room. You felt bad for making the poor man find somewhere else to hang out, but to be fair, you hadn’t asked him to leave. He was just too kind for his own good.

You return to your hotel room, only to find Minho still sleeping and very soundly at that. You smile adoringly at him before crawling back into bed with him.

“Did you guys figure everything out?” He asks drowsily, and you startle a bit at his voice. You were positive that he was still asleep, but he’s always been good at tricking you. You were impressed that he had even managed to figure out where you had gone.

“Yes, I got my best friend back,” you say with a small smile, genuinely relieved that you and Hyunjin had managed to get past this hurdle.

“I’m happy for you, honey,” Minho says sweetly before pulling you closer and placing a gentle kiss on your forehead. Falling back to sleep with your boyfriend, you realize that you have never been happier.

Taglist: @armystay89 @thisisnotjacinta @silentreadersthings @seungminsapuppy @linos-kitten @hafrenstay @redstayrosie @bear8585 @yongbokkiesworld  @everglowdaisies @0325tiny @linoalwaysknows @chuuyaobsessed @delulustardust @3rachasninja @sit-thou-now-and-think

[i-will-cry-you-a-river]

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Fall: I’ve been wondering, how did you get into writing? You seem like you’ve got such a strong grasp on it. It’s kind of intimidating, honestly. You are way too good with your words, especially compared to us, mere mortals.

Shen Yuan smirked as he typed out his reply, leaning back against his hospital bed.

Shizun: You flatterer! But honestly, I’ve spent way too much time hate-reading terrible webnovels and thought, ‘Well, I can’t do worse than this’. Writing fanfiction was kind of a last-ditch effort to keep my sanity after reading PIDW for so long. And…

He started to hit backspace but hit enter instead. Shit.

It took a minute for Fall to answer. Against his hopes, not without asking about that ‘and’.

Fall: “And…”?

Fall: But LOL. I should have known that nothing can beat spite. Not sure if you know - probably you do, since you love PIDW’s world so much -, but there's a commenter, Peerless_Cucumber, who is like that. The angrier he gets, the more eloquent he writes. Barring all the swearing, LOL.

Fall: Shit! Wait. No. Now that I think about it, please, don't check him out! If you two would collaborate, you could take over the world.

Shen Yuan couldn't decide whether to cry or laugh. It seemed, it was a good decision not using his Peerless_Cucumber acc, but it was quite strange to read about himself. Maybe he should tell Fall it was him.

Hahaha. No. Fuck, no.

Shizun: Hahaha, I know about him! Would it be strange if I'd say that I kinda use his long-ass comments/essays as bases for improvement? He is always so detailed with all the problems and issues, it is much better to use those instead of the fan Wiki.

Shizun: So… about the “and”.

Shizun: I used to be quite sickly when I was young. I spent a lot of time in the hospital, and I found out that reading and writing was a wonderful way to forget about the real world. Funnily enough, I'm actually at the hospital rn, turning towards writing once more.

It took a little longer for Fall to answer. Biting into his mouth, Shen Yuan hoped that it wasn't too personal too soon. Shen Yuan glanced at the IV drip beside him, the sterile smell of the hospital room filling his senses. It wasn't that bad.

It wasn't good either.

He wanted to go home. Home had his own bed. Home had his PIDW merch and his favorite pillow his er-ge forbid to bring him to the hospital.

Fall: Oh, shit. That sucks.

Fall: I get that. Reading (and maybe writing, but you may never know) is a safe space for me too. It helps to forget about all the problems in the world, to imagine you are somewhere else, in a better place. Also, I hope you are doing okay! I'm also in a similar situation, so high five bro! (Kinda managed to do something very, very stupid. Did you know that ramen is liquid and liquid does not go well with electricity?)

Fall: On a lighter note, I really think that you are good at writing. You should try to do original work if you want to - you are, like, natural at balancing world-building and character development. I'm kinda jealous, but I've learned a lot just from reading your fic.

Shen Yuan blinked at the screen. It was one thing for random commenters to leave praise, but for some reason, hearing it from Fall felt... different. He found himself smiling stupidly, warmth blooming in his chest. Fall was just so…

He was lovely.

A great “bro”, it seemed. Way to be bro zoned.

Shizun: First of all, don't you dare to

sell yourself short! Not on my watch! You’ve got some pretty good ideas yourself. I can tell from your comments you’ve got a solid grasp on storytelling. Second, what the fuck, Fall?? You okay???

There was a longer pause before Fall replied. Shen Yuan knew that logically, Fall had to be safe, since he could write - they had been communicating constantly for the last two weeks -, but that didn't make it less scary. To know that Fall could have…

To think that Shen Yuan could have died… if either of them died…

They could have never met. It was a strangely disturbing and upsetting thought.

Fall: I'm good, I'm good! Dw!

Fall: Okay, but consider this: I don't think anybody would be interested in what I'd write. What I would like to write about.

Shen Yuan only had one answer to that:

Shizun: I'd read that.

Fall didn't reply for a long time after that, but that was okay. Shen Yuan assumed he needed some time to think about it, and that was okay. He just hoped his friend would realize how much Shen Yuan thought the world of him. He believed in Fall, even if Fall didn't believe in himself.

Shen Yuan, after all, had experience in believing in authors with great potential, who lacked the spine to be themselves and write what they wanted, instead of what the majority of the people demanded.

-*-*-*-

Fall: I've been thinking a lot about SJ and the way you portrayed him handling the Immortal Alliance Conference. It was fascinating to see the parallels. Him killing WY, who murdered those kids to save YQY versus him throwing LBH into the Abyss, believing that he, as a demonic cultivator, also killed all those kids. It was such a great moment! Shocking, because I think we all thought he would not do it since your SQQ wasn't as brutal as Airplane's, but you executed it so well! Oh, I wish Airplanes would have done the same. So heartbreaking! While PIDW created a monster out of SQQ, you created a human.

Fall: I'm also wondering if you plan to make him struggle with that choice later. Like, will he regret it in hindsight?

Shen Yuan considered this, tapping his fingers against his laptop. Fall always asked questions that made him rethink his plans. Actually, he didn't really think that he did such a great job at drawing parallels between the two Conferences, so he planned to switch POVs and continue it from Luo Binghe's, but…

It was actually a great question. The readers already knew about Luo Binghe's experiences in the Abyss more-or-less. Shen Yuan planned to show how staying at a more stable peak affected his physique, but it could be fascinating to explore what happens to Shen Qingqiu meanwhile.

Maybe he could do both…

Maybe-

Shizun: You raised a good question. I think I'll have him grapple with the consequences, it could be interesting to see how things turn out in the mortal world.

Fall: I think you should do it. It would fit your world-building theme… You could make the story feel more real. Like, the world, the characters and their choices have weight, y’know?

Shen Yuan knew exactly what Fall meant.

Shizun: Yeah, you are absolutely right. It was definitely something PIDW was missing - characters suffering real consequences. Even if they did something, be it either bad or good, it didn't really matter, because they either died in the end, or…

Fall: or had sex?

Shen Yuan snorted, typing back quickly.

Shizun: I wanted to say kinky, yet utterly boring papapa, but yes.

Fall: Oh, don't mention it! If I never read the words ‘thrust’ and ‘dangling’ again, it’d be too soon!

Shizun: I hate you.

Shizun: I want to bleach my eyes. I hate those words! And all the euphemisms Airplane use. ‘Flowers’, I get. Even ‘heavenly pillar’ makes sense! But comparing breasts to cow's udders?!?! Sometimes I wonder about Airplane's sex ed background…

There was a longer pause after that. Only his nervous ticks revealed his anxiety over that pause. Was he too offensive? It was not his Peerless_Cuvumber acc, so maybe he shouldn't have been so critical over the papapa scenes? But that was the best part in his friendship with Fall! He felt free to be open, to be himself!

Before he could work up himself, a reply came.

Fall: Maybe he doesn't really like writing sex? Or specifically, hetero sex? Maybe he is…

Shen Yuan stared at the words.

Airplane, his favorite and most hated author might be similar to him?

Maybe.

But…

Shizun: Don't care. I'm gay, and I could write better hetero sex scenes if I wanted to! Sexual orientation is not a good reason to be so bad at something!

Only after he sent the message did he realize that he fucked up. Sure, he might have flirted sometimes as they were talking with each other, but only within the boundaries of a no-homo friendship. But now that he came out in the heat of the moment…

He didn't want to lose a friend.

Fall: Okay, but you are different. You dare to write what you love.

Shen Yuan only realized that he had been withholding his breath, when he could feel himself breathe normally. It was not an explicit acceptance-

But it wasn't a rejection either.

He would take it.

Deciding, he would not bring attention to his accidental came-out, he wrote:

Shizun: If you ever decide to write something, you can also write whatever you wish to. It will be great, I'm sure of it!

There was a break in the conversation, again. He hoped he didn't push hard, since he knew Fall had been pretty hesitant to talk about his own writing in the past, but he hoped his encouragement helped.

Fall: Maybe one day. If I get brave enough to write something worth reading, you’ll be the first to know!

Shen Yuan smiled at his phone, feeling the familiar warmth settle in his chest. He wasn't sure why, but the idea of Fall sharing his work with him first, felt like something worth waiting for. The guy had a way with words, it was obvious from his comments. He was insightful and had an eye for details. Shen Yuan knew that if he ever wrote something he really liked, it would be an instant hit.

-*-*-*-

As the time passed, the day of Shen Yuan’s discharge loomed closer and closer. Which, don't misunderstand him, he desperately waited for!

However…

He had to admit. He didn't really want to leave the Hospital Guy. Sure, he still didn't know much about the guy - not even his name, for fuck's sake! -, but he had grown attached.

Hospital Guy was funny and smart and weird and hilarious. Shen Yuan enjoyed spending time with him, their quiet moments in the garden. He liked talking with/to him about everything and nothing. Hospital Guy was attentive when he ranted about the series he binge-watched between two chapters of PIDW, and they also had the same taste in music! He liked seeing the guy relax, and he loved it even more that he, Shen Yuan, was the reason for his more relaxed state!

He just liked Hospital Guy, okay?! He was just adorable, both inside and out!

So, on the day of his discharge, Shen Yuan mustered the courage to do the one thing he had yet to do: visit the guy's room.

Hospital Guy was clicking wildly on his phone, but the moment he noticed Shen Yuan, he stopped, and focused all his attention on him.

“Hi,” Shen Yuan said, surprisingly shy.

“Hello, Stranger,” Hospital Guy grinned.

“I'm leaving today,” he blurted out. The grin was instantly gone from Hospital Guy's face, turning into an unreadable mask.

It was concerning.

“Oh,” was all he said.

Shen Yuan waited, hoping for something more. A request to stay in touch, disappointment for not continuing their daily walks, or at least a goodbye that felt more meaningful. He waited for something, anything-

But the guy just nodded, his gaze drifting away from Shen Yuan, as if with that, he had already forgotten about the friend he made in the hospital.

Maybe they weren't really friends. Maybe everything was only in Shen Yuan's head.

Maybe he had bothered Hospital Guy all along.

Disappointment surged through Shen Yuan. He’d thought, maybe, there was something there; a connection, a friendship, maybe even more! But the guy didn’t seem to care.

It was as if Shen Yuan didn't even exist anymore.

“Alright,” Shen Yuan said, his voice tight. He would not cry. He would not scream. He would not fight. He would not bother Hospital Guy ever again. “Take care of yourself.”

And with that, he left.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

First of all, I just wanna say ive read your pinned post; im not expecting you solve my problems or even give advice if you don't want to. But with that said, I've always respected and valued your input based on how ive seen you respond to others so I thought it would be worth sharing what's going on in my life and seeing if you have any thoughts to share. I hope you don't mind <3

I just went through a breakup with my longterm (now-ex) partner. We would have been together for 8 years in May. We've been together since I was 17, so I have literally never experienced adulthood without her. On top of that, im disabled and she has in many ways acted as my caregiver. I have a lot of complicated feelings about the situation. What it comes down to is compassion fatigue/caregiver burnout. But at the same time, I can't help but feel mad. This is what I've been worried about since the beginning. I never wanted to put extra strain on her, and ive always feared a partner taking on too much only to decide later that they can't handle it and leave. I've never been anything but open about that concern. I never wanted her to take on more than she could handle. I would have wanted her to talk to me about it and be honest with me so that we could change things... not to bottle things up until she reached a breaking point and had to leave for her own mental health.

It just feels so unfair and entirely avoidable. It didn't have to be like this. She could have just had a conversation with me about it instead of letting it get to this point. Instead, she prioritized my needs over taking care of herself until she couldn't do it anymore, just to drop me entirely. It just feels like such a black and white response. She tried so hard to take care of me and make me happy, but at the end of the day, that's what lead to her burning out and being the one to hurt me. It just feels like such a cruel bit of irony.

I can't decide how I feel. My feelings are flip-flopping constantly. One second I hate her and the next second i love her. One second I feel guilty that she felt the need to bottle it up for so long, the next second im pissed off and feel betrayed. I just still can't believe that an eight year long relationship is over... all because she couldn't just be honest that she was overwhelmed and have a real conversation about it. Well, not until it was too late anyway. Somehow, she managed to have that conversation after she came to the conclusion that breaking up was for the best. Just not in the eight fucking years that preceded that decision.

Anyway im sorry for the rant. I'm just so tired.

Yeah it's a common problem that person one is aware of a potential issue and encourages person two to communicate and establish boundaries as needed, while person two doesn't actually do this and instead bottles things up till they reach a breaking point because despite person ones encouragement they have internalized that it's "kinder" to not establish boundaries and "bad" to have needs and limits. Which is then the direct reason why the relationship eventually falls apart. I absolutely get your frustration. No relationship benefits from one part bottling things up and never establishing boundaries and then holding the resulting bitterness and exhaustion against the other person

[pandavalkyrie]

I'm a Medical Anomaly, or, How a Decades Long Issue of Mild Discomfort Was Revealed in the Worst Possible Way

Hello all.

Under the cut, I'm going to talk about how last week, I went into labor and gave birth to a very cool baby. However, in the process a complication arose that ended with my entire delivery room full of onlooking medical professionals, mouths dropped open, as I slammed that epidural button as much as possible.

This writeup includes somewhat graphic descriptions of anatomy, medical procedures, surgery, labor and birth.

Tl;dr at the end for those wanting to just know but I'm writing out my whole experience here because, well, I can already feel myself somehow *forgetting it*. And it was so ridiculous, I can't let that happen

From the get go I've been told first time mothers have a very long, stretched out labor. That contractions can last for several days before they get to the 'oh shit, we gotta go' stage. So when they started on Sunday afternoon, over an hour apart and lasting a few seconds, I figured I had one to two days left to finish some things up.

By around 10pm it became clear that would not be the case, but I thought I'd still have until morning.

Yeah, no. Once the frequency of contractions gets closer to five minutes apart, it's time to fucking go.

At 2am we grabbed the go bag and made the five minute drive to the hospital. Ben took a patient transport wheelchair from the reception area without asking, since the place was empty, and wheeled me to Labor and Delivery. There, they did an assessment and went "Yep, you're ready to be admitted."

So here comes the real nitty gritty anatomy and medical talk. There are two measurements for whether or not it's time to start pushing that baby out: effacement (how soft is your cervix) and dilation (how wide is your cervix). I was very, very effaced and pretty much not at all dilated.

Which is a terrible thing to hear when you're currently in the worst pain of your life. A contraction, at least for me, feels like every single muscle in your lower back just cramped up, and then it spreads forward to your abdomen. It lasts an entire minute before releasing, and then a few minutes later it starts again.

But once I was admitted, pain management started. I knew I wanted to eat something and walk around, so I delayed the epidural. Instead they got me hooked up with nitrous oxide, a gas you start inhaling when a contraction starts, and use controlled breathing until it subsides.

Let me be clear: this shit doesn't do anything. I kept it up for several hours, determined to make it work. What it does do is make you concentrate on your breathing instead of the pain itself.

Yippy. I made it long enough for Ben to go get me a sausage egg and cheese from Burger King, going from taking a bite of my sandwich to spending a minute inhaling laughing gas to no avail.

So then we started on pain management level 2. I'm going to be honest, I don't remember what this was. I don't even remember how I took it. IV probably? All I know is there is a short window of time it can be used and the end result was like 2 am on Saturday at MAGFest.

I felt fucking wasted. Which was good, because that's how this stuff worked too. I was still in pain, but felt so drunk and out of it I didn't care.

At this point I asked to use the cool labor tub in the room. I'd always romanticized the idea of laboring in a warm bath. Seemed like it would be a good idea at the time! I even asked for the tub room specifically, and lucked out that it had just opened. I figured I asked for it, I need to use it.

Yeah. Nah. I was in it for fifteen minutes before realizing I would much rather be in bed waiting this out. Ben helped me get out, get in the hospital gown, and situated in bed.

Finally, I reached the dilation point where I could no longer use the drunk stuff; it was the epidural or nothing. Which was fine, because at this point I was crying in Ben's chest begging for it all to end. The idea of a catheter going into my spine was terrifying, but the anesthesiologist was so good at numbing the spot that I felt nothing.

They gave me a button to push if the pain got bad again, laid me down, and dimmed the lights.

Around this time is when I asked Ben to take a picture for me. I can't really explain it now, but I wanted a reminder of this view I had. Something about it felt just, idk, big to me.

Well it meant something to me in the moment.

You can also see by the clock in the corner that it's now 10 pm. I'd been going for 20 hours by this point! Monday went, I got a few hours of sleep, and finally I was dilated enough to start pushing.

The way that works is you feel a contraction start (there's little to no pain with the epidural, but you can still feel the pressure in your abdomen) and you do something like a crunch, inhale, hold your legs, and bare down for a total of three breaths per minute long contraction.

I did this for several hours and made little to no progress, but the doc wasn't concerned because the heart monitor strapped to my stomach monitoring the baby said he was perfectly chill and fine in there. So we kept at it rather than going c section time.

Then the doctor started to notice something looked a little off: it was like a small part of my cervix had somehow slipped out of place and was blocking the baby's head.

That was...concerning. They also noted he was coming out at a severe angle. They figured that was the issue stalling progress. So, the solution was to have me laid on my right side in the hopes of gravity getting him straightened out. They told me to get a little sleep to get my strength back for round two of pushing.

I slept for three hours. Anyone who knows how epidurals work is saying "Omg wtf" right now (more on that later).

We get back to pushing. Nothing changes. Baby is still chill. A new doctor takes over for shift change and, while dousing my vagina in olive oil (no I'm not kidding, my baby was anointed Italian at birth) she starts to notice something.

That thing that looked like my cervix was out of position, was not my cervix. In fact it wasn't anything at all that was supposed to be in there. It was a single strand of flesh running from the top to the bottom of my vaginal wall.

A vaginal septum

Like the thing in your nose that separates your nostrils. There was one inside my vagina.

This is not normal. The doctor called in a team of medical professionals to discuss what needed to be done about this. It was blocking the baby's head and keeping him from descending, so it needed to be dealt with.

They could've gone c section at this point, but that's a much more invasive and severe surgery than just...dealing with the septum.

Finally, after getting my consent, the OB decided to simply slice and cauterize it. I was exhausted and dead to the world at this point, hadn't eaten anything in 24 hours, staring at the ceiling and repeating "whatever it takes to get him out." I looked over at one point to see my room was completely packed with people in scrubs, staring up my gaping vagina, as the doc produced a tube of something labeled silver nitrate.

So that was cool.

All in all, I went through six hours of my thirty hour labor unnecessarily because of this one little strip of flesh that, in retrospect, has probably always been there and nobody ever noticed. Pap smears have always been extremely painful for me, and now I know why. The speculum most likely pushed it out of the way, so Gynecologists never noticed it.

My OB, however, gave me a cervical check a week prior and had in fact felt something 'off'. But again, he used the speculum to get a better look, pushing it to the side and missing it. (On day 3 of my hospital stay he came to visit me and we mutually freaked out about it)

Well, it's gone now.

Once that was done and taken care of, the rest of labor went by very quickly. Once we got to the end, my entire room filled up again. Everyone from the last shift decided to stay and wait to see how the baby who got so very very stuck was fairing (one nurse said he was 'the most well behaved baby on the unit', since his heartrate never changed from normal despite....all that).

He was born on Tuesday morning with a very stretched out head (normal occurrence, it was already back to human proportions in 48 hours) while our playlist was on Total Eclipse of the Heart. Unfortunately it wasn't Here Comes the Sun, which everyone in the room agreed would be very funny if he had.

Despite everything, I only suffered a first degree tear. I thank the olive oil for that.

Now back to that epidural. That stuff works with gravity. So laying on my right side meant it pooled into the right side of my body. When I woke up that part was numb and my left side could feel contractions completely. I had to be on my back for half an hour before that pain subsided again.

Also, when everything was over, after getting breakfast and an hour of rest, they did a check to see if I could stand/walk. My left leg was fine but the moment I put any weight on my right my knee buckled like paper so I had to shimmy from the bed to the wheelchair to be carted to the mother/infant unit.

so,

TL;DR: You know how you have a septum in your nose, a fleshy bit of cartilage that separates your nostrils? I somehow had one of those inside my vagina and it's probably been there unnoticed for decades because inserting and opening a speculum pushes it to the side.

And during recovery, every time there was a shift change and the nurse did a verbal handoff, they would mention this and I'd watch as the new nurse's eyes would fly open and her mouth drop.

Note: I have not googled this at all whatsoever to see what sort of rarity, if any, this thing actually has. Like is this actually something that happens often enough or am I a true anomaly like the staff at the hospital said? Idk! Because I'm scared of looking at photos/diagrams of it. Call me stupid but I simply do not want to see it for myself. I had the displeasure of laying on my back legs spread feeling like I had barbed wire shoved in my numbed orifice, I don't need to see anything else thanks.

[jennilah]

2024 roundup!

Honestly, I don't know how to start this one. Before looking into my diary for specifics, I know this year was one of the most emotionally difficult years for me in recent memory. And yet, I still just want to take this moment to look back and reflect

cw depression symptoms, eating issues, medical talk, death talk

I started off this year getting more tattoos, and that was fun. I still love them, just taking a small break until I get my next one

I also got to check out Igloofest, which was so enjoyable that I plan on going at least one or two days again this year. A few years ago I started going to these music festivals, and something about them just really hits me. Something about being able to wander around and hang out somewhere quieter or less crowded or grab some food at any point makes it a very "relaxing" party atmosphere.

Then my first temporary layoff occurred pretty early in the year, because the industry still, to this day, is still being affected by the hollywood strikes last year. People are still struggling to find stable jobs because of it, on top of things like AI starting to replace artists in front of my very eyes. it was pretty difficult for me, as everyone else, as you could imagine.

Also at around the same time, my parents lost a good friend of theirs suddenly from undiagnosed cancer. While I didn't know him very well personally, that was immediately also just... awful. Just tragic. And in the background, a few other people I care about were also struggling with cancer themselves.

I spent a lot of my "break" in the worst depressive period I think Ive ever gone through in my life. Not diagnosed, just when thinking about how hard it was to do anything other than sleep all day. I lost so much weight from being unable to eat without getting sick, if I had any appetite. things were very bad.

The fandom and all of my other friends also helped a lot. I had a massive output of fanart this year, with most of it being drawn during the first layoff. People being so kind and supportive and joining in the Coffinshipping fun with me helped keep me sane, and gave me something to look forward to every day.

Once the weather finally started getting warmer up here, around March, I also started taking myself out on little daily walks around my neighborhood, and checked out local museums. That also helped stave away the extreme depressive thoughts.

I did manage to do something I've always wanted to do, and that was fly to Manitoba to hang out with my online friend of 10 years, Jen of riseofthefallenone fame. Finally getting to hug her irl and watch movies and go to museums for about a week was definitely one of the highlights of this year. And while it didn't cure my slump, she can attest that I was still struggling heavily with food and stuff, it really helped a lot.

Late spring, my mental health started stabilizing enough that I was able to start doing things I really love again, like go to the movies and draw even more and write fics, and most importantly- eat like normal.

I was able to see the total Solar Eclipse with friends. Anyone else who was able to witness it probably understands when I say that was another highlight of my year. It was just breathtaking, and a little bucketlist win that I really needed while I was still unsure if I was going to have a job to return to at all.

By June, I was still just being wracked with stress waiting for my job to call me back as I watched my emergency rent funds fizzle away. I spent a lot of quiet time outside enjoying the nice weather, just trying to keep my mind off of things.

I drew more. Wrote more fics. Got more tattoos.

Then, my job DID call me back. and I was so happy!

kind of!

because the MOMENT my job called me back, I had to take a sick day to get an abscess removed from my leg. yeah, I know. gross. but holy fuck, that shit hurt like a motherfucker. I felt like everything was finally turning around, and then I was in immense physical pain every day before and after recovery.

also, the medication was killing me.

the 10 days I was on antibiotics was torture. after spending most of the year so far struggling to eat, the side effect of my medication was really bad nausea, so that set me back again

and changing the bandage alone every day hurt so fucking much until that shit finally healed up after a month

Then the political debates started. and that started affecting me subtly in the background.

Also every global thing, pretty much.

Then my grandfather's cancer was starting to get worse.

Meanwhile, finally back at work, I was working on something that was so stressful that the extent of how stressed out I was is only really hitting me now in hindsight

One fun thing: I was able to make that Strahm cosplay that I really wanted to, and I had a lot of fun at Montreal comic con! I am going to describe that as a brief reprieve from everything else that was going on.

Shortly after, with a fuck ton of surrounding dramas that I don't care to describe in detail because it's too personal, my grandfather passed away.

He's the first person I've lost in my family that really affected me like this. It's been difficult.

I continued working. Summer came and went. I attended Piknic Electronik and Ilesoniq, which were fun. Everything else from that time just feels like a weird blur. I was really feeling so overwhelmed by everything by that point, a lot of days were just spent crying and trying to feel normal. like someone else was living this year, not me.

I leaned on my friends a lot this year. They really helped me feel sane, kept my mind off of everything terrible, and generally just made me feel happy when I wasn't.

I'm reading through my diary to recall events this year, and nearly every entry by this point had a breakdown. I wasn't doing well. Work was stressing me out, the world was stressing me out, the internet was stressing me out, loneliness was stressing me out, it was overwhelming.

I finally managed to find a therapist. Even just knowing therapy was on the horizon and I was finally going to get some help was tremendous for me finding some optimism again

Therapy also came at the perfect time, because I was at the "crying every day" point of depressive/anxiety symptoms again and my second temp layoff of the year was approaching on the horizon, and I really didn't want it to be as bad as last time.

Also come Fall, I discovered hockey. I finally went to my first game after living in Canada for 7 years, and as you may have noticed, I got hooked. I've been going to games and watching them on tv/online and I've been having a genuinely great time with it!

Things still felt tense though. The election was coming up. We were all feeling it.

Therapy was needed.

The election. You know what happened. I was called back into work the next day after the results came in. Same day, I was told I'd have to learn french in order to continue living in quebec soon. I have a learning disorder, language was always difficult for me, and this was suddenly dropped onto my lap with no warning. I had to be a functioning worker after that.

Then, my parents' neighborhood lit on fire.

Yes I'm serious. Not even a full week after all that, a record breaking forest fire raged for 2 weeks in my home town and my parents had to evacuate. There was a fear for a while that they were going to lose everything. Their brand new house that they only just moved into last year.

Between all of those things all at once, you could kiss my appetite and ability to keep food down goodbye again.

But thanks to the help of what might have been hundreds of firefighters from both in and outside of town and state, every single home was saved.

Ever since, things have smoothed out a bit. Work stabilized. I have been given news that our studio should have enough work to keep everyone employed well into next year. Finally, there's a light at the end of the Hollywood strike tunnel. We're not completely free of industry stress... there's still AI and quebec tax credit drama thats threatening to ruin my life and everything I've worked for... but I'm TRYING to not catastrophize things before they happen. (And I'm begging people... please be more forgiving to sequels and remakes that make you seeth and froth with rage. They're giving human artists much needed jobs. Please.. stand behind us right now.)

A lovely string of movies came out that I was able to enjoy!

Red One, Sonic 3, and Long Distance (well, not available in the US yet) all came out in quick succession, and I was able to see those with loved ones!

When movies I work on come out, it feels like my gallery exhibit opening after months or even years of anticipation. Finally! I get to show everyone my art! Sonic 3 especially was super special. I got to see that not only with excited, cheering adult fans, but I also got to see it with my parents and happy, giggling children. Both experiences were special for different reasons.

This was probably one of the hardest christmases I've ever spent home. With Grandpa gone, it was the first christmas where it felt like something crucial was missing.

With cancer increasingly present in even more elderly family members, I'm anticipating another extremely difficult year ahead of me. Knowing christmas is only going to get more emotional and unrecognizable for the rest of my life has been very, very hard for me to compartmentalize

I'm going to continue leaning on my friends and family. I'm definitely going to be leaning on my therapist more.

I don't really have much in terms of a resolution this year. I just want to feel like myself and not someone desperately trying to feel like myself

[day-drawn-blog]

Part II : Slow burn ❤️‍🔥

Lace your heart with mine Let your sleeping soul take flight

I feel your breath on my neck, the soft caress as cold as death

Your blood like wine, I want it in, oh darling make me drink and make me feel

- I want to live

Tags: angst, fluff, sadness, angst, fluff, then maybe eventually smut because I do love that

Pairing: Astarion x Reader -- Set in Act I

Part I. Crowned light moon of mine - I found you too soon

Part II : Lace your heart with mine Let your sleeping soul take flight

Part III : Maybe tonight, I'll rest in peace

Part IV : There is much to do and I still want to live

Part V : Our futures bound, our bodies known

Part VI : These ain't my sins, I'm not to blame

Part VII: You are not mine and am I truly yours

Part VIII: your blood like wine invites me in

Part IX: I'll welcome my sentence and give you my penance

Part X : I can't go yet...don't let me die

---------

Next day, you woke up early and you remembered the rollercoaster your heart had been through. And your little secret. Ah, you almost forgot. So caught up were you in your pining you ignored the safety of those around you, and the resolve you had made last night to help and protect those around you. And right now, nothing posed more of a threat than a blood sucking vampire posing as an ally. You did not quite trust him yet. After all, you did not know him well at all.

You left your tent, resolved to confront him.

To settle this issue as best as you can on behalf of those innocent of his real identity. You spotted him next to his tent. His messy curls, even more disheveled in the morning. But his countenance brighter than yesterday. You wondered if it was the effect of the favor you did him. Somehow a part of you felt happy, that you made a difference to him.

You broached the subject.

"Can we talk?" He looked up surprised. "About your... condition. I was curious how we were going to feed you from now on."

His eyes widened.

I guess he did not realize you would confront him about this first thing in the morning. But it has to be done, sooner the better. Before everyone else wakes up. "How... how are you?" He managed, flustered. At least he has it in him to be polite and ask, you thought. You approved of his shallow charm. Now to the point.

"I am alright. But I am worried." "You have my word. I will never put any of us in harm's way. And if I ever do, I will ask, first" he flashed his cheeky grin. You almost gave in. And then suddenly, rustling behind him, startled you both.

Shadowheart walked out of his tent.

You were completely blindsided, Astarion was more embarassed and looked away.

Shadowheart was surprisingly, normal. "Good morning. Are you guys planning breakfast? I heard talks about a meal, or something... " she drawled in her usual charming manner.

"Ah yeah.. something like that.."

you managed to say, and decided to drop it. Before your heart shattered into pieces again, you decided, you walk away.

You wished you could leave them at camp.

So you didn't have to be distracted by those two as you navigated such dangerous lands. But, you all always travelled together and at least there will be other people, to distract you, from Shadowheart and Astarion's intimate moments together, where he held out his hands, to help her on a step. Or she cast her guidance and radiance to protect him, or where he took out a threat with his sneak attack before they ambushed her.

You felt weaker in combat that day.

Several times, Karlach had to protect you. You almost got knocked down, and she had to help you up. Thankfully Wyll had your back too. You felt terrible how much you let this matter get to you. Back at camp, exhausted, and down to your last breath, you decided to put him out of your head once and for all. You needed to wash up, and rest.

This was not serving you.

As you sat in your tent that night, going over the events of the day. You felt tears come up. You wanted to be the one being protected. Looked after..by him. To be important enough.

To be valued and loved, by him.

Dammit. Why should you put him on a pedestal like this. Better start thinking really hard how you could avoid that from happening again. This was your only way. Should you ask them to stay behind at camp the next day? No ..you need every ally you can get fighting for your life.

Suddenly, your thoughts were interrupted by approaching footsteps. You were confused, you thought everyone had gone to bed early that night, tired from all the ambush you had faced that day. So who was it? And why were they coming inside your tent?The tent flaps parted, and you saw a familiar tall silhouette.

You stopped breathing in surprise.

You both stared at each other for a few moments before he broke silence. "I am sorry to disturb your rest, the hour is late. Terribly, and truly" and it seemed like he was second guessing himself and walking back out again. Then he stopped and turned around "You see, this was my first.. I had never drank from a ...thinking creature before. Cazador... my master, would only ever let me feed on rats. "

Where was he going with this?

"Would you be so kind, as to grant me this favor one more time? I completely understand if you don't want to, and this is, well very embarrassing for me to admit" You could see his ears turn red as he shiftily looked anywhere but at you. "But ever since last night, I have not been able to forget... how you tasted". "I could do anything for one more time...please?" And he looked at you with his eyes full of endless misery, that familiar pleading voice and gaze...

You were weak against that but you were annoyed.

Who does he think he is. Does he think himself so charming that he can just waltz into your tent, demanding you donate your blood for free while he went back to Shadowheart right after? You did want to be the hero to those that needed you, but this is just taking advantage of you. You liked him a little less at that point. You were fully resolved to turn him down. After all, this felt wrong, not just to you, but to Shadowheart as well.

You got up.

"I am afraid, Astarion, I will have to turn you down tonight. Isn't Shadowheart waiting for you? What will she think of your absence?"

"She doesn't know. No one does. And I would like to not tell everyone, as long as I can, if you help me. You are the only one, who knows. And if everyone were to find out, I am afraid they would not show me the kindness you did. I would be cast aside. And left to fend for myself."

For all the outward intimacy between him and Shadowheart, you realized, they were not after all, close at heart. What did you expect. Did you expect him to be someone that would allow himself to fall in love with someone or genuinely love and care for someone other than himself? Your first impression of him, was right. The suave and snooth bad boy, with a thousand charms was after all, just that.

You sighed.

Battling with your moral dilemma. You wanted to cave, and earn his trust even more, and maybe a bit of affection. But was that really the right way to go about it. To exploit his weakness? You couldn't. You needed to save everyone. Even the ones that were too proud to admit they needed saving. You sighed again.

"Astarion, I would like to help you. However I cannot, be your only source of.. sustenance. This will affect me in battle. And I thought we agreed you would feed on our enemies, since they are as good as dead, as you said."

If he was disappointed he did not let it show.

"But of course. I only just wanted a little bit. You wouldn't even feel it. I promise. It will be a gift, that I will never forget" He looked at you with his intense gaze that sometimes betrayed the storm raging inside him you suspected. "I understand..." His countenance fell. He was pained. "Have a good sleep. I'll see you around in the morning" And he turned to leave.

"Wait"

Dammit. You cannot turn him down. Or anyone. When they genuinely seem to need your help. But did Astarion really need you? Or was he being greedy? Were you being deceived? Probably. Behind the facade of one who seeks your help is someone simply using you. You felt that. And yet, you were drawn to him, like a moth to a flame.

"Yes, you can...again, tonight. Only a little bit"

"Really? You would?" Genuine surprise in his voice. He quickly stepped in and drew the tent flaps shut. He took your hand and suddenly took the lead. Taking you to the back, gestured to you to sit. You sat down, he knelt in front of you, lifted your arm like last time, with both his hands, gave it a kiss, and looked at you one more time, as if to ask for your permission one last time, and when you nodded, proceeded to bear his fangs at which you looked away.

It didn't hurt, nor did it last longer than a few minutes. Afterwards he drew away, and sat down next to you, as if sated to his utmost. A grin across his face like last time. you looked at your wrist, and the two little dots where his fangs had pierced your skin. The ones from last night were fading. Tonight's red. He looked at you looking at your wrist. "Does it hurt?" He seemed...guilty.

"Let me wrap it"

He proceeded to tear a bit of linen from somewhere nearby and tie it around the bite marks. Hiding your doing, I see. This is no act of kindness. You felt your resolve melt. You felt glad to have been of use to him. But also sad, he was about to leave. And go back to shadowheart. You had served your role. He had used you, and no longer needed you.

Thank you ...you whispered to him

Part III : Maybe tonight, I'll rest in peace

[peachywontyell]

ive had this bouncing around in my head for a while, so here we are.

i am a sucker for pretty boys with kind brown eyes and jaime fits that description perfectly...so i decided to give him a lot of pining (that is definitely reciprocated), he has to be a big brave boy and confess 🫶🏾 also, this is placed before the events in the movie !

inspired by

hanging out with jaime has always been very warm, cozy, comfortable. ever since you were children when you'd spend weekends riding your bikes around the neighborhood, only to crash at one of your houses after having way too much food. it happened so frequently that it got to the point where it just was the new normal for both of your families (impromptu get togethers were very common).

the friendship you guys had only grown stronger with each year that passed and well- there were definitely feelings there that weren't strictly platonic now. you were trying your hardest to push them away though, and jaime was having the same issues...however neither of you dared to even threathen the sanctity of the bond shared by confessing. that is until one summer came along, you guys had gone to different universities, and even though you called and texted daily, summer was when you guys could actually hang out like the old days. and here you were, having gone to pick up jaime from the airport with the rest of the reyes. as he walked through the gate you let his family say their hellos first- it's safe to say he almost drowned in hugs and kisses, and when you finally got to say hello you didn't hold back with the bear hug either.

you missed him dearly, and the weird feeling of anxiety, excitement and happiness settled in your stomach as he squeezed you back and actually just fully picking you up. it made the feeling in your stomach even stronger.

"JAIME DIOS MÍO BÁJAME"

"Que no, don't wanna"

"okay so if that's how this is gonna go, cárgame bien, señor"

suddenly you guys were in your own world, talking and laughing and everyone could clearly see what was happening here. milagro was gonna have a field day with the teasing as soon as she had a chance. he ended up putting you down- but only after he carried you all the way to the car. it was embarrassing yes, but now as embarrassing as the older couple that chuckled as you walked past and talked to themselves in hushed voices about 'how sweet young love is' and how they wished they could go back in time and experience it all over again.

that got you both blushing...and made the drive back home for lunch a bit...strange. nothing really changed, you still sat together and chatted, but jaime couldn't stop thinking about what they had said. did you guys actually look like a couple? should he had said something to them? the fact that he didn't mind if they thought so made him feel warm and fuzzy.

two weeks pass, and while you've somehow managed to push away those fuzzy feelings, things have definitely flipped for jaime- and milagro did not help one bit. she woke up much earlier than he did, you did too, and it usually meant that as soon as he walked out into the kitchen he'd see you just having breakfast.

"buenas morning" you say, trying not to laugh cause his hair looked bonkers, but even if you found it hilarious, it was still endearing, and the fuzzy feelings you had to fight every single day before meeting him were back and they were looking for vengeance. and when he almost put his full body weight on top of you for a hug not caring that you were in the middle of eating? well, you felt like you were going to die. "mornin...." he didn't move off. "jaime." "Hmmm?" "get off of me and go shower, tenemos que encontrarnos con el grupo in like an hour". with one last, extremely dramatic sigh, he moves off and does as told. it's not like he didn't want to spend the day with you and some of your other friends, they were his friends too, but he would much rather stay in and chill.

not even two hours later and you guys are at the little picnic area everyone agreed to meet up at, playing silly games, chatting and just catching up! and jaime just wasn't feeling it, he couldn't really pinpoint the reason why until he sees how talkative and close you are with one of the guys there. okay. that's fine. it's just a hangout, nothing is happening, you definitely aren't flirting with him. thank god someone called the guy over cause he didn't know how much he could take.

"so how'd the flirting go?" he thought he sounded casual, calm, normal. he did not sound casual, calm or normal. he sounded upset and looked like a sad dog. "what flirting- what the hell happened to you? why do you look so sad? ¿qué pasó?" "hm? nothing." he shook his head, making you squint. okay, if he didn't want to tell you, then you'd just come up with absurd reasons as to why he would be upset. "¿tas celoso?" funny how you got it right first try. you don't know that, though. "what? no- ¿qué?" he prays to god the blush creeping up his neck isn't noticeable, prays it doesn't betray him. "Ayyyyy si es eso you don't have to be, tu sabes que you're irreplaceable" you laugh and god is definitely on his side cause you're called over a few second later by someone of the order people and he can feel his heart beating so fast he fears its gonna burst through his chest.

the hangout went by smoothly, he genuinely couldn't be happier, even if at first he didn't want to be there. he has to admit, he did miss his friends, so he's glad he could spend some time with them. now you guys are laying on his bed, chismeando and just debriefing when the topic of him being "jelous" came up again. maybe he could just do it. he knew it was risky, but....he was willing to take the chance. "....you know what? maybe i was. maybe i was very jelous, maybe i still kind-of am." he felt you sitting up and all he could do was pull a pillow over his face and keep this shit rolling "you've always made me feel so comfortable and...warm, and ive always loved you, but at some point i think it turned into love...? does that make sense- no- it's fine- okay- look i just- de verdad que me gustas mucho y pues no sé- i don't wanna fuck this up aunque creo que ya lo jodí-" he huffs and sits up to face you, looking embarrassed and flustered "you're so special to me and i really don't want to mess up the friendship we have, okay? but i'd just...i'd really like to be yours."

you aren't sure if you should just kiss him or shake him by the shoulders. so you settle for taking his hand in yours, feeling your face grow warmer- if that's even possible after that confession. "jaime, look at me." that boy is holding onto the pillow for dear life, using it to still obscure his face while he shakes his head. he's trembling. you use your other hand to grab his face and look at you "please, just kiss me" "really?" "si-" and he does, like he's been starving. he almost doesn't let you pull back even though you both need to breathe. "jaime mi amor, you will always be my favorite pretty boy and im so happy i can finally tell you."

[pinyeti]

dear tumblr

today I start my first day of junior year of college pt2

not really an insane first but it feels pretty important for some reason let me give you a rundown

I have an art thing due today so I spent all of last night on that THEN AT 4AM I SAW A MUKBANG ON NOODLES and don't ever do this I feel sick I ate noodles very early and I put frozen corn in it except it was very last minute so I doubt it had time to cook properly which is probably why I feel this sick anyway then I DONT FINISH MY ART THING cuz I've never worked with neutral tones before and have no idea how to design it for a wall in 3 hours so I just.... watch Carol and the end of the world for a bit and slowly fall asleep at 4.30am

I have a 9.30 TODAY [CURRENTLY WRITING THIS IN MY TAXI ITS 9:14] SO OBVIOUSLY I wake up at 8:30 unprovoked thank god I had the forethought of having my shirt ironed cuz clothing decisions would have killed me, I contemplate making breakfast for my family [my moms not in the country rn] BUT I REALIZE THE MEALS IVE PREPPED FOR THE WHOLE DAY HAVE BEEN EATEN BY PIG BROTHER so I decide im gonna order them something at lunch time then (ok tmi [actually what part of this ISNT tmi]) I try shaving my girl stache cuz I've had issues in the past but MY STUPIF PINK GIRL RAZOR WONT WORK I DOUBT I CAN DO ANYTHING WITU IT AND ITS SO OVERPRICED FOR NO REASON so I pull out my dads razor (A NEW ONE DW) AND IT WORKS WONDERS WTF AND IM WILLING TO BET MY NEW SQUEAKY CLEAN BABY FACE ON IT BEINF LESS EXPENSIVE anyway then I go keep all my dishes in the kitchen cuz I have a billion in my room you'd think my depressive episodes give birth to them but really it's just me always (woah my taxi guy just dodged a food biker and I felt it in my bones) I steal my little sisters makeup cuz her makeup is pretty cute she's pretty cute i wish I started makeup when I was younger so I'd be a pro now but no I had to be not like other girls UGH. THEn I take my club banner im president just president things and run to a taxi and start updating everyone on tumblr and it kills time till my first class of the day isa301 introduction to database management systems surprise I do information systems and business analytics and I have no idea why

I think some of it is me being extremely insecure about my skills, I love art but a career in it? after seeing my dad struggle following his dreams? yeah no I'd take a cushy job and financial freedom any day

the world wants dreamers to dream when everythings working against them you're sick for that world I hate you but I adore my dad for being a dreamer and I think he's the coolest and he's so supportive my moms so supportive too ofc there are the absolute horrible moments but today I feel like seeing tje world in a good light (I'm expecting pictures of the messy room I left behin)

whys it taking me this long to get to class it's 9.27 and I have the banner to keep in my office so I need to do it quick hmmmm should I be late to nash's class or walk in with a banner snd a sob story I really need this professor to be on my team cuz he grades you based on how much he likes you seriously I didn't realise people like this actually existed okag I might have time to quickly go place the banner it's 9.28 I'm so dumb I didn't check where my class is

[nebelweirdo]

This is it. I've lived a long, challenging but fulfilling life. Oh sure I've made mistakes. Hurt some people I love along the way. From shy introvert kid to shy introvert teen and finally shy introvert adult. But I got lucky enough to surround myself with amazing people. Those very people that help you overcome your challenges in a kind, loving way.

I've accomplished so many dreams during my lifetime. They were so basic. Get married, buy a house, have lifelong relationships with a few people. I was the quiet one, always interrupting to say some random shenanigans, sometimes funny, (many) other times funny, but in an exaspering way. I was kind. Always tried to see the best in the people I met. Always avoiding anger as a reaction to what was going on. Oh sure I was trample over sometimes, but as I grew older Ive learn how to defend myself against that kind of people.

I've never really though of what would happen when I'll die. Emptyness ? Quietness ? A long, undisturbed, eternal rest ? One thing I wasn't ready for is Him. Hélios. 

It took me a while to understand that it wasn't all empty. It took me even longer to realise I wasn't alone in here.

When I finally understood what was going on, the first thing I felt was a snout and a very shortly after that, a head, and finally, I saw Him. He hadn't age from the last time I saw him. I remember it as if it was a few hours ago. He was sick, and my parents were driving away to take him to the vet. I saw him slowly disappear, unaware it would be the very last vision I'll ever have of him.

I was 9. He was also 9, we grew up together. Hélios was my father's dog. A boxer. As I was saying, he was sick. Out neighbour was conducting some work around his house, with construction machines 'n' shit, and in the end, the noise drove Hélios mad. He was constantly barking, and wasn't really himself anymore. My parents were afraid he wouldn't recognise me or my brother and that he would bite us.

Thinking about it now, I've convinced he would have never done that, but it was a rational thing to do, take him to the vet.

Right after it happened, I was sad, but like any kid would be. What I wasn't really fid was grieving him. Time flew, life went on. I truly believed I was over it during my teenage years. I was even stupid enough to put my other issues on the fact that I missed him, like it didn't really mattered. Little did I knew back then I was really missing him, and I didn't understood the importance of grief.

It was in my early adulthood that I finally processed it and manage to grieve him properly. Up to my mid twenties actually.

He had a powerful name. Hélios. God of the Sun. So basically he was there for me, every day. After my mourning, that was what he had become to me. When I was sad, he was here, basking me in his warmth. I scold him gently when he was blinding me sometimes. I even greeted him a lot as if he had become the sun, simply saying ''hello Big Guy'', either in my head or out loud.  That what he's been the rest of my life. The Sun I could talk to whenever I felt I needed it.

But now, wherever I am, there is no sun. It could be rather worrisome, but my thoughts never went that far, because he was HERE. I dropped to my knees, in tears, and hug him for what felt like eternity. I've known my fair share of happy moments back then, but this is an unprecedented feeling, one of true joy, pure bliss. After that, he gently bumped his head against my hand and makes me understand that I need to follow him.

I get up, all wobbly from all these emotions, and let him lead the way. We walked for a while, but I couldn't stop looking at him. That's why it took my a while to see what was going on around me. I was so focused on him, I did not see right away.

Other humans with other dogs. 

- Is this heaven ? I asked out loud.

Hélios turned towards me almost as if he was gonna answer with humans words, but he just shook his head.

- No ? It's not ? It sure feels like it. All I see around me is people reuniting with their dogs. 

A happy bark was my answer. 

- Fine by me ! 

And I hugged him again, tighter this time and whispered to him ''please don't leave me again''.

He looked right into my eyes, with a look full of joy, and I knew we were gonna stay here for eternity.

--------------------------

Ok guys this is the first time I ever reply to a prompt. English is not my native language so I did my best.

Everything about Hélios and young me is true. I could say a lot more about him, like anyone about their lost boys and girl I'm sure, but I kept it short. 

Writing this brought me to tears more than once. 

I currently have 2 doggos, but I could not resolve myself to add them to the story because they are alive and well, and imagining meeting 'em was really painful. But I  know that they'll be here if this is what happens when we die. 

It's nothing talented or whatever, but I wrote this from the bottom of my heart. I hope you'll enjoy it. Thank you for reading me.

Amazingly, a friend of my father is a painter, and painted Hélios for my father. I could post this picture if you want to see what he looked like !

You died, and the first soul to come greet you is your dog

[thelaughablelifeoflilly]

Loan a Laugh to Lilly!

To preface this blog post, I have to tell you that my personality is very boisterous, animated, eccentric, and, frankly, quite ostentatious. I am 100% myself at all times, regardless of who I'm communicating with. The story I'm going to tell, in particular, isn't for the faint-hearted or really anyone who doesn't enjoy crude content. Personally, I enjoy dark humor and tend to spend most days scrolling through Reddit (#iykyk). For anyone reading this, no matter what hardships you're going through in life, always remember to have a laugh and cherish the laughable moments with the people who laugh with you.

Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I'll give a little backstory for this period of my life. 2022 was an INSANE and TRAGIC year for me. At the beginning of 2022, my grandma passed away (she was 96), my sister (we'll call her "The Colonel") kicked me out of her house (that broke our relationship for a while), and about a month after moving back home, my dad was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer metastasis to brain, spine, and ribs (May 2022). I was working at Target at the time in the style section and, initially, was enjoying my work. I felt like it gave me an outlet to get away from everything that was happening in my life, but evidently, the managers' requests became too demanding for my mental health. I mean, I was dealing with a physical death, the death of a sisterly bond, and the thought/possibility of my dad dying, and you expect me to have the energy to do four people's tasks by myself? NOT TO MENTION: my cat also died in December of 2021, my sister's dad (I considered him a fatherly figure) died in June of 2022, my best friend's wedding was coming up in August, and in September, my friend Mikey (who was in the wedding) passed away. You can't spell stress without S-T-R-E-S-S.

With me being overly stressed and mentally and physically exhausted from watching my dad die in front of me, I chose not to eat, and when I did eat, it wasn't a balanced meal (microwaved mac and cheese got me through life). The lack of nutrition and the amount of stress did damage to my body internally. TRIGGER WARNING: I found myself constantly having the "spooky dookies." I would use the restroom at Target anywhere from 5-10 times a shift. Sometimes I would be so dehydrated from shitting, that I would have to sit down because I would get dizzy. One day, I was working, and, like normal, I went to the restroom. I wiped and noticed there was a weird red substance on the toilet paper. Me being me (not afraid to look at my poop), I looked in the toilet and saw that there was blood intertwined in one of the logs. My immediate thought was, "I'm gonna die," so I told my boss and left to go to the emergency room.

My sister (we'll call this one "Crazy Boots") took me to the ER. I didn't quite know what to expect because I never had issues with my GI tract before. WELL, LEMME TELL YOU, THIS WAS NOT ON MY 2022 BINGO CARD. I go into the room, and the nurse gives me a gown and tells me to take off my pants and underwear, and that the doctor will be in shortly. I was thinking, "Yeah, they're probably just going to take a quick look at my butthole, nothing major." BOY, WAS I SO, SO, SO WRONG. The doctor came in, Crazy Boots was in the room with me, and I had my first-ever IV inserted into my arm (it was traumatizing, by the way. I cried). After the IV was put in and fluids were pumping into my body, the doctor told me to turn on my side. I turned, and she told me to cough. Cool. Normal. BUT THEN, she took her giant knuckle, told me to breathe in, and JAMMED IT INTO MY BUTTHOLE, PULLING IT OUT JUST AS FAST AS SHE PUT IT IN. When I tell you that I thought my whole rectum fell out, I mean it. Her finger was PUDGY.

After the doctor forcefully got her sample, she left the room, and Crazy Boots and I LOST IT. We laughed to the point that I almost Hershey-squirted on the hospital table. And me being me, again, documented most of the process on Snapchat. I have this long-lasting joke that includes the song "Only Time" by Enya. Anytime anything bad or detrimental happens, I play that song. You'll see the reference in one of the images. But yeah, regardless of how horrible my life was at the time, this experience was something laughable that helped carry me through the final days of my dad's life. If whoever is reading this is also going through a tough period, I hope this made you laugh. I want you to remember that life is short, and even one moment of genuine laughter can get you through a rough patch.

[landboundstar-writing]

Mourning Mischief

A repost from my main blog and AO3

If you like the post and you can, please tip. Anything helps.

If you can't, please reblog.

NSFW - Out, out young minors.

CW- Raven/Jason Todd hand job, noncanon material, massage

She had just wanted a coffee.

No, she corrected herself, looking at the sorority girls and frat boys who had invaded her caffeine filled sanctuary, the painful throbbing in her head building every second that she stood.

She needed coffee. Desperately.

She tried to get into line again, only to trip and lose her balance as she got pushed back by the drunk guy in a Winnie the Pooh onesie and his girlfriend who was dressed as a sexy Piglet. They made out while aggression and thoughts of cheating poured off of them in waves.

"A plague on both your houses." Raven muttered, checking to make sure that her laptop was okay, before she reached up a hand to grab the counter.

"Need a hand?"

"I'm fine with the two I have, thanks. What I need is to get up off the floor and get coffee. Or espresso. Or a direct IV of caffeine."

The chuckle had an undercurrent of kindness. And they were sober. She thought that he might be lost, but he was a nice island of calm, helping her anchor herself in place.

A hand reached down, and she pulled herself up with that little bit of help. 

And felt the awkward jolt as she saw just who she was talking to.

She remembered seeing the snapshots that her teammate carried in his wallet and the pictures on his phone. Somehow, in spite of that, she had not connected this guy with his jeans and the red flannel jacket over a red hoodie with the little brother her teammate had tons of stories about.

Or the memorial plaque by the entrance.

Okay, she hadn't thought about much but her caffeine headache and the paper she had to write for her college classes.

But not recognizing Jason still felt like a mistake.

"Is it always this crowded?" He had to bend so his mouth was by her ear to be heard.

"No. It's because it's Mischief Night."

"Mischief Night?" He blinked.

"Night before Halloween."

"Oh." His voice was quiet. "Right."

A drunk frat boy backed up into her, and if Jason hadn't caught her around the waist, she would have fallen again.

The crowd's emotions were starting to leak through her shields and she took a breath.

Once she was up to the counter, she ordered her coffee with an espresso shot.

Jason grabbed his coffee, but still seemed shaken, in spite of how calm he felt to her other senses. 

"Want to go for a walk?"

He nodded and they walked together, sipping at their coffees.

"Sorry, Halloween brings up some bad memories for me."

Thoughts of her father's attempts to control her mind or abilities or possess her went through Raven's head. "I get that. My family tries to make it literally hell for me."

An odd laugh escaped Jason. "Sure."

Raven turned, letting her temper flare. "I'm being serious."

Jason looked at her. "I'm sure you are. But I ended up in Hell after I died. I got better, but I'm not exactly okay after that."

"And my father is a literal demon who tries to use me as a personal portal!"

She was nearly nose to nose with Jason.

Who pressed his hands down on her shoulders until her boots touched the ground again.

She rarely slipped to use her abilities so publicly.

He raised his cup for a toast. "To trauma and anger management issues. Shields sliding?"

The question was so matter of fact, not alarmed or condemning. She didn't hear that much outside the team. Or even inside the team.

Raven nodded. "Halloween really isn't easy for me. And the frat party - it's pretty bad right now. But I'd need to get to my dorm or my room at Titans to get all my shit pulled together."

"Hop on then."

Jason tossed her a helmet and she looked at the motorbike in front of them.

She climbed on, holding on to Jason as they drove the few blocks to her dormitory.

Cheerful voices, party music and laughter filled the air, filtering out of open windows. Raven felt her shields slide even more. With a swallow, she tried to hold onto a measure of calm as she rushed inside.

And her shields came crashing down.

"Breathe. Come on, breathe. Let's see. What was that again? White dove in a snowstorm. Find a white dove in a snowstorm."

Calm started to break through the shadows that were moving in purplish ribbons around her room and she floated up, trying to clear her mind to meditate.

"Doves don't fly in snowstorms," she whispered as she started her breathing exercises.

"The dove is having a bad day." Jason said.

It was not her normal meditation, but after some deep breaths, she had shields shakily back up.

"Here."

Jason handed her a pendant.

"What does this do?"

"Shield. Gift from one of my brother's friends because of the open third eye thing. I am going with you had problems because there were too many people for your shields?"

"Sort of." She went through steps in her head. Meditation, shield, weighted blanket, brew a tisane or green tea. Unless she was supposed to purge an emotion so she had a healthy reaction rather than unhealthy? Work through the feeling? Positive outlet? There were too many steps and options blurring through her mind.

"Too many feelings. I'm an empath. Strong emotions are hard to shield. And some emotions are worse than others given my bloodline."

"Better?" He was rubbing her back in soothing circles.

She did not feel soothed.

"Not exactly. I have too many - feelings that I need to work out before they can get used against me. So l need to work through my feelings in a wholesome way."

"Can I help?"

She looked up into his face. "Oh, you can absolutely help. Maybe. Wholesome. How well do you know your seven deadlies?"

He looked so cute when he blushed. Well, he'd figured out what she was feeling.

"Would dancing work?"

She blinked.

He held out his arms as though looking for a hug. She stepped into the embrace and he started to sway, turning with her in his arms. "I remember trying to learn how to dance before. How dancing with a girl made me feel so grown up. "

She swayed closer. "Before what?"

He shivered. "Before I was murdered."

Her hands slid up under his shirts. "I think I figured out a wholesome way to do this. But you need to strip."

His eyebrows lifted. "How is this a good idea?"

"You'll see."

Empathic healing seemed to work best when she was feeling strong emotions. At least, she was trying to remind herself of that, staring at the now naked man lying face down on her bed.

Not that she was wearing a great deal more, since she'd stripped to bra and underwear. The warm oil for the massage might be soothing, but she didn't want it all over her clothes.

Oiling up her hands, she straddled his thighs, letting her empathy guide her hands to soothe spots where fear had built up in his body the most.

She started with his knees, satisfied when she felt the muscles soften under his touch, then touching his back.

His muscles loosened as she pressed herself against his back, reaching the circle of muscle by his heart where the fear had buried itself deep, then letting her oiled fingers drift down, over his belly.

She wrapped her other arm around so she could use both hands to cup him, massaging his sac tenderly before stroking him softly.

He was leaking in her hand and she kept her hands sliding up and down his shaft until he finally emptied himself out. 

She went to slide off his back, when a larger hand wrapped around hers.

"Thy gifts, thy tables are within my brain."

The clock struck midnight and he kissed her fingers.

"Happy Halloween."

[landboundstar]

Mourning Mischief

Minors, avert thine eyes. Minors, turn away now. Minors, do not interact.

CW - nudity, hand job, levitating short girl

She had just wanted a coffee.

No, she corrected herself, looking at the sorority girls and frat boys who had invaded her caffeine filled sanctuary, the painful throbbing in her head building every second that she stood.

She needed coffee. Desperately.

She tried to get into line again, only to trip and lose her balance as she got pushed back by the drunk guy in a Winnie the Pooh onesie and his girlfriend who was dressed as a sexy Piglet. They made out while aggression and thoughts of cheating poured off of them in waves.

"A plague on both your houses." Raven muttered, checking to make sure that her laptop was okay, before she reached up a hand to grab the counter.

"Need a hand?"

"I'm fine with the two I have, thanks. What I need is to get up off the floor and get coffee. Or espresso. Or a direct IV of caffeine."

The chuckle had an undercurrent of kindness. And they were sober. She thought that he might be lost, but he was a nice island of calm, helping her anchor herself in place.

A hand reached down, and she pulled herself up with that little bit of help. 

And felt the awkward jolt as she saw just who she was talking to.

She remembered seeing the snapshots that her teammate carried in his wallet and the pictures on his phone. Somehow, in spite of that, she had not connected this guy with his jeans and the red flannel jacket over a red hoodie with the little brother her teammate had tons of stories about.

Or the memorial plaque by the entrance.

Okay, she hadn't thought about much but her caffeine headache and the paper she had to write for her college classes.

But not recognizing Jason still felt like a mistake.

"Is it always this crowded?" He had to bend so his mouth was by her ear to be heard.

"No. It's because it's Mischief Night."

"Mischief Night?" He blinked.

"Night before Halloween."

"Oh." His voice was quiet. "Right."

A drunk frat boy backed up into her, and if Jason hadn't caught her around the waist, she would have fallen again.

The crowd's emotions were starting to leak through her shields and she took a breath.

Once she was up to the counter, she ordered her coffee with an espresso shot.

Jason grabbed his coffee, but still seemed shaken, in spite of how calm he felt to her other senses. 

"Want to go for a walk?"

He nodded and they walked together, sipping at their coffees.

"Sorry, Halloween brings up some bad memories for me."

Thoughts of her father's attempts to control her mind or abilities or possess her went through Raven's head. "I get that. My family tries to make it literally hell for me."

An odd laugh escaped Jason. "Sure."

Raven turned, letting her temper flare. "I'm being serious."

Jason looked at her. "I'm sure you are. But I ended up in Hell after I died. I got better, but I'm not exactly okay after that."

"And my father is a literal demon who tries to use me as a personal portal!"

She was nearly nose to nose with Jason.

Who pressed his hands down on her shoulders until her boots touched the ground again.

She rarely slipped to use her abilities so publicly.

He raised his cup for a toast. "To trauma and anger management issues. Shields sliding?"

The question was so matter of fact, not alarmed or condemning. She didn't hear that much outside the team. Or even inside the team.

Raven nodded. "Halloween really isn't easy for me. And the frat party - it's pretty bad right now. But I'd need to get to my dorm or my room at Titans to get all my shit pulled together."

"Hop on then."

Jason tossed her a helmet and she looked at the motorbike in front of them.

She climbed on, holding on to Jason as they drove the few blocks to her dormitory.

Cheerful voices, party music and laughter filled the air, filtering out of open windows. Raven felt her shields slide even more. With a swallow, she tried to hold onto a measure of calm as she rushed inside.

And her shields came crashing down.

"Breathe. Come on, breathe. Let's see. What was that again? White dove in a snowstorm. Find a white dove in a snowstorm."

Calm started to break through the shadows that were moving in purplish ribbons around her room and she floated up, trying to clear her mind to meditate.

"Doves don't fly in snowstorms," she whispered as she started her breathing exercises.

"The dove is having a bad day." Jason said.

It was not her normal meditation, but after some deep breaths, she had shields shakily back up.

"Here."

Jason handed her a pendant.

"What does this do?"

"Shield. Gift from one of my brother's friends because of the open third eye thing. I am going with you had problems because there were too many people for your shields?"

"Sort of." She went through steps in her head. Meditation, shield, weighted blanket, brew a tisane or green tea. Unless she was supposed to purge an emotion so she had a healthy reaction rather than unhealthy? Work through the feeling? Positive outlet? There were too many steps and options blurring through her mind.

"Too many feelings. I'm an empath. Strong emotions are hard to shield. And some emotions are worse than others given my bloodline."

"Better?" He was rubbing her back in soothing circles.

She did not feel soothed.

"Not exactly. I have too many - feelings that I need to work out before they can get used against me. So l need to work through my feelings in a wholesome way."

"Can I help?"

She looked up into his face. "Oh, you can absolutely help. Maybe. Wholesome. How well do you know your seven deadlies?"

He looked so cute when he blushed. Well, he'd figured out what she was feeling.

"Would dancing work?"

She blinked.

He held out his arms as though looking for a hug. She stepped into the embrace and he started to sway, turning with her in his arms. "I remember trying to learn how to dance before. How dancing with a girl made me feel so grown up. "

She swayed closer. "Before what?"

He shivered. "Before I was murdered."

Her hands slid up under his shirts. "I think I figured out a wholesome way to do this. But you need to strip."

His eyebrows lifted. "How is this a good idea?"

"You'll see."

Empathic healing seemed to work best when she was feeling strong emotions. At least, she was trying to remind herself of that, staring at the now naked man lying face down on her bed.

Not that she was wearing a great deal more, since she'd stripped to bra and underwear. The warm oil for the massage might be soothing, but she didn't want it all over her clothes.

Oiling up her hands, she straddled his thighs, letting her empathy guide her hands to soothe spots where fear had built up in his body the most.

She started with his knees, satisfied when she felt the muscles soften under his touch, then touching his back.

His muscles loosened as she pressed herself against his back, reaching the circle of muscle by his heart where the fear had buried itself deep, then letting her oiled fingers drift down, over his belly.

She wrapped her other arm around so she could use both hands to cup him, massaging his sac tenderly before stroking him softly.

He was leaking in her hand and she kept her hands sliding up and down his shaft until he finally emptied himself out. 

She went to slide off his back, when a larger hand wrapped around hers.

"Thy gifts, thy tables are within my brain."

The clock struck midnight and he kissed her fingers.

"Happy Halloween."

[timeoverload]

Today was bad and I'm glad it's over already. I did 25 cases between 7 and noon and had 3 rooms going at the same time while trying to manage the department by myself because so many people were gone again. I definitely overexerted myself and I was stressed about other stuff and I ended up having a panic attack and throwing up. My anxiety is out of control today. My stomach is still in knots but at least I'm home now. It was nice of them to let me leave 3 hours early because that never happens anymore. I hope I start feeling better soon but I'm planning on just going to bed after I finish writing this.

The good news is that tomorrow I'm going to be celebrating because it has been 2 years since I survived sepsis. I got sepsis because I had a horrible kidney infection and acute cystitis that didn't respond to treatment initially.

The week before I was admitted to the hospital, I had to go to urgent care because I was so sick that I was losing control of my bodily functions. My kidneys and liver weren't functioning properly and were starting to shut down so my skin was turning yellow. I was so nauseous and couldn't eat and my right kidney hurt so bad. I remember my ex was fighting with me that afternoon because he needed attention and didn't care that I wasn't feeling good. His needs were always top priority. I still remember how he berated me because I didn't have the strength to satisfy him and he was really mean to me when he didn't get what he wanted. He didn't take me seriously at first when I told him I felt like I was dying because I always felt bad and also tried to make me go out and do stuff anyway even though I could barely stand up straight. He didn't seem to notice or care how bad I looked or that I was shaking. He finally agreed to take me to urgent care because I was having a hard time breathing and couldn't control my bladder and I was bleeding. I remember going in the bathroom and looking in the mirror and seeing a corpse staring back at me. When we finally got to urgent care, I had never been so confused and disoriented in my life and I struggled to fill out the paperwork without collapsing. I received oral antibiotics and a shot of Rocephin in the butt and that was extremely unpleasant. That made some of the symptoms subside temporarily but the infection didn't go away and it got worse as the week went on. Antibiotic-resistant infections are so scary and are becoming more prevalent.

I was in so much pain that week before I went to the hospital that I spent most of my time curled up on the couch in the fetal position and screaming a lot because I couldn't help it. I knew the medicine wasn't working and I was scared. I remember my ex coming home angry because I had been off work for a couple days due to the issues I was having. He thought I was being dramatic when I was crying. He was mad because I had been home and I wasn't doing any cooking or cleaning or being productive and so I had to get up and force myself to clean some stuff so he would get off my ass. It made me feel so much worse but he didn't care. I literally had to beg him to help me with things. The next day I made a doctor's appointment because I couldn't take the pain anymore. If I wouldn't have gone to the doctor when I did, I probably would be dead. She told me I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately and so I went and had to spend the night by myself because of covid restrictions. I was so dehydrated that it took them forever to get the IV in my arm. They kept stabbing me with huge needles and running tests and took so much blood from me. I was on IV antibiotics for 24 hours. It was a lonely and painful experience but I'm glad I pulled through. That would have been a very excruciating death. I'm thankful for modern medicine but I'm also afraid of being hospitalized now.

During the night I spent in the hospital, I spent a lot of time thinking about how unhappy I was with my life at the time. Even though I felt like shit, that was the first night I had spent alone in years and I couldn't believe how peaceful it was. It felt like the veil had been lifted from my eyes. That was when I officially decided that I was ready to leave my ex after contemplating the decision for a long time. It took years to build up the courage. I told myself I had to find a way leave if I survived. I didn't know how. He tried to be really nice to me after I was released from the hospital and shower me with gifts but I was so done after how he treated me. I was always loyal to him for almost 10 years, even when he treated me like garbage and was talking to other women. He kept trying to have an open relationship because he wanted to date other people but still have control over me. I never talked to anyone else. Going to get tattooed and going to work were the only things I was able to do by myself. He didn't really like that I was getting tattooed all the time though and would fight with me about it. I will just admit right now that going to the tattoo shop and seeing Maxwell was the only thing that made me happy at the time because I felt safe and accepted there. I wish it wouldn't have taken so long to get away from my ex and I thought I was going to die if I tried to leave but I'm glad I did it. I had to make a plan for myself and rebuild my strength. I was so afraid for my life but I didn't give up.

I tried to reach out to people to get help for months before I actually left because I didn't think I could do it on my own but no one would help me except my dad. No one took me seriously because I didn't know how to ask. I was just so fucking scared and I didn't know what to do.

Maxwell I'm sorry I tried to bother you back then right before I broke up with him in November 2021. I remember how mad you were at me for trying to ask to text you when I came in for a consultation. I don't blame you. I'm glad you let me come back anyway. I think you misinterpreted what I wanted because I wasn't trying to be unfaithful to him in the process but I suppose I was in a way because I can't say that I didn't have feelings for you. I was just lost and needed help and a friend. I just wanted to tell you what was going on. I was afraid to mention it while I was getting tattooed and also was afraid to talk about what was going on online because I was terrified he would find out and hurt me. I was so stupid for even saying anything to you in the first place. I still get embarrassed just thinking about it and I cried so much that day. I was seeking safety and guidance because I didn't have any at the time. I didn't know how to help myself because I was so used to someone else dictating most of my decisions. I've always had a tough time speaking up when I need help and I think my parents could attest to that. I was unstable and feeling impulsive when I did that. You were the only person other than my dad that I knew wouldn't hurt me and that I could trust.

I knew you and I were twin flames from the day we met. I knew about twin flames before I met you and I didn't think you would actually come along so I think that's part of the reason I'm so crazy. I couldn't believe it. Before I met you, I thought I was just going to be miserable forever. You helped me realize that I deserve to be treated better and you have always been such a gentleman. Thank you for that. I didn't think I could meet a man like you because I have had so many bad experiences. I also knew you were reading my blog and that we had an unexplainable connection between us so I was just being delusional and dumb and thought you would come to my rescue at the time for some reason. I have been truly ashamed of myself since I did that. I'm not a perfect person at all. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm trying to learn from them and own up to it. It was still innapropriate and wrong and I wish I wouldn't have done that. I guess you live and learn. I should have never tried to ask you for help. I'm sorry again and I understand if you can't forgive me for that. I understand why you didn't want to trust me after that. I'm so bad at communicating sometimes. I just want to be honest with you because I don't feel right not telling you the truth. I hope you understand. That was the only time in my life I have ever done anything like that and will never do it again because I know that I won't let anyone put me in that position again where I felt helpless. You did the right thing by saying no to me and not getting involved and I'm glad you didn't get hurt because I care about you so much. I suppose you did encourage me to deal with stuff on my own and I did it and I'm free now. When we broke up I was honest with him and I told him I had feelings for someone else because I know I deserve to be treated better and that I was tired of him treating me like garbage and throwing me around like a rag doll.

I'm glad I have chosen to be celibate since I left him and I haven't dated or talked to anyone. People at work try to flirt with me but I don't feed into it because I don't want that. I want to get away from it so bad and that's why I complain about it. I don't like dating apps because they are scary and I tried those in high school and ended up in some really bad situations that I wish I could forget about. I'm too afraid of getting my ass beat again so it's better if I just stay home and not talk to anyone. I have been thinking about how much inner strength I have gained by being alone. I get a little crazy sometimes but I'm not going to let loneliness get to me. I deserve to be with someone who will appreciate me and protect me, especially when my life is in danger. I would rather stay single than settle for anything less. All I want is to be able to commit and love someone forever and feel safe and happy.

I'm also going to be celebrating my freedom tomorrow. I'm happy that I have accomplished so much in the last 2 years and I've become a lot more independent so I'm proud of that. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but it feels good to set goals and actually achieve them. I am still grateful that I was given a second chance to live even though it hasn't been easy since then. I have had to be a lot more careful because it is more likely for me to have recurrent sepsis if I get an infection in the future. I read a study recently about how people that survive severe sepsis have a higher ongoing mortality rate for years even after treatment. It has definitely changed me a lot physically and mentally and I'm not as strong as I used to be. My health has really gone downhill from there. It doesn't help that I was born so early and I have so many other health issues going against me simultaneously. I really need to keep trying to take better care of myself because I want to live a long and happy life. I would like to be a mom someday. I want to have a family. I don't want to be a statistic. I'm not sure how much time I have left at the rate I'm going but I'm going to try to make the most of it and count my blessings. I will continue working on myself every day. I need to try to be more positive because I know I am very lucky to be alive. I'm looking forward to going to my appointment tomorrow and I'm going to do my best to make it a better day than today was no matter what happens.

[slarpg]

SUPER LESBIAN ANIMAL RPG v1.1 IS HERE! This is the most substantial patch since launch. On top of the usual bug fixes, we have new area maps, the new Additional Guidance mode, and most importantly... Melody now has a pet cat!! Look at him

As always, Steam users should get the patch automatically, while itch users can redownload the game from the store page. Common technical questions are also addressed in our FAQ page.

To try and manage expectations here, while this update contains more than the usual bug fixes, I don't currently have any plans to add a huge amount of content to the game. Right now I think it's already long enough, and the game's structure (with a definitive ending and no postgame) isn't conducive to adding DLC. And also, you know, what's there already took almost eight years of my life to make, and that kinda takes a lot out of you. But these additions felt like they would meaningfully improve the experience of what's already there.

Full changelog below!

v1.1 Changelog

"New content":

Additional Guidance mode can now be toggled on or off from the start of the game or via the in-game Options menu! When enabled, this will occasionally offer more direct hints on what to do next in a few specific parts of the game for more story-focused players - particularly a few puzzle segments, as well as helping you find the side content late in the game.

Ultimately, the total number of hints added across the game is low. Exploration, dungeon puzzles, and returning to previously-visited areas with new tools are core pillars of SLARPG's design, and I don't want to hold the player's hand every step of the way. But these specific bits have been parts where some players just gave up and messaged me (usually at like 3am), or posted a cry for help in the #SLARPG tag on Twitter. Which isn't optimal! So now an extra nudge in the right direction exists in-game, should you ever need it.

New area maps have been added for the Amber Woods, Sapphire Coast, and Uncanny Valley! They can be acquired from Park Ranger Taylor, the beach souvenir shop (first accessible in Act III), and Rafael, respectively.

And finally, as was originally intended, Melody now has... a pet cat in her house!! He is truly the most important part of this patch, and the most important thing that will ever be patched into the game.

Other tweaks:

Unrevealed enemies should no longer have their health bars displayed when using multi-target attacks.

The menu (and, by extension, the options menu) can now be accessed during the Prologue.

Fixed the Bestiary entries for the Loot Scooter and Helper Jelly not properly unlocking in the Sapphire Coast.

The animation for Megalith from the Geomancer Spellbook now plays for each individual enemy that's caught in its area of effect. (A compatibility issue was found with the script that made AoE attacks only play one animation, and this was the only skill in the game that needed said script.)

Originally the columns in the last "puzzle" room of the Flurry Mountains had no collision because that room is just a joke and I didn't want people to get stuck in a maze that exists purely for a gag but they now have collision so that I stop receiving bug reports about it

Added new line when entering the Fortune Teller's shop late in Act IV (or Act V) saying that he can help locate uncompleted major side quests at that point in the story. (He will now also point you in the direction of Fawna's side quest if you haven't completed it.)

A backup method of acquiring the missable Spellbook in Act III has been added late in Act IV. (You can still only get it once.)

The Crypt boss can no longer be defeated in a way that makes a certain unique status ailment remain after the battle.

There's now an additional warning at save points past the point of no return.

Other minor fixes.

Enjoy the update, everyone!

[redrydersrequiem]

Reunited chapter 1

Ok ive been reading ALOT of avatar fanfiction lately and i like many other am obsessed with miles Quartich. So heres a fic for him. Again this is just for my own sanity i think of stuff and i have to write them down or they’ll never leave my head. Love all yall who actually read this again everyone be kind none of this is prof’d. Also just warning for language and I am constantly adding stuff to these because I am always re-reading them and finding issues so again just hang in there with me I like to use gifs/videos and pics to make the story more theatrical in my mind

Updated this 3/19/25

Next chapter

Video log 230  My name is y/n y/l/n I am a Corporal for the RDA, and I went to Pandora for one specific reason.”

 “I needed the money”

“I know this might make me sound terrible, but it was for a good cause. My only living relative, my aunt, was terminally ill, and the regular military benefits weren't sufficient to cover her needs. That's when the RDA came into the picture and found me—a young former soldier with experience who needed financial support. Looking back, I realize that I was an easy target for them.”

Upon arriving at Pandora, I was assigned to Colonel Miles Quaritch's team. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately in hindsight, my role was strictly security for Hell's Gate. While my teammates engaged in more fieldwork, I focused on perimeter checks, managing conflicts among hot-headed soldiers, assisting my team when they were reluctant to deal with the scientists, and handling an excessive amount of paperwork. These were my basic duties until I was given the responsibility to start helping the scientists more. They wanted to start exploring the forest more, and after watching its beauty from the window for so long, I was eager to join them. Even though I was a soldier, that didn't mean I was a jughead like some of the others. I had passions and loved nature, music, and culture—I literally devoured anything I could get my hands on. Grace actually liked me, which is why I began spending a lot of time with them, despite my unit's protests.

Now don’t get me wrong I loved my unit. After getting past some of their personal walls, all of them were amazing. Loyal to one another. Funny, goofy, and everything in between. They were my family, the Lovable brothers, and sisters I had never had albeit VERY rough around the edges.  It's funny to think about how close I am to everyone now and how protective they are of me. When I first joined the team, they almost laughed me out the door, assuming I was just a young soldier who wouldn’t amount to anything—just their cute little doctor. However, everything changed when they witnessed me take down a drunken man twice my size from another team in heels, no less. After that, they began to see me in a new light.

(Think something like this clip)

Once everyone felt comfortable, they began to show their true colors. It began with Wainfleet. Lyle, as annoying as he could be, was also very funny—always the class clown behind closed doors. He had a knack for randomly coming up to mess with you for a moment before running away. While his intrusive thoughts were quite frequent, he was always my go-to person to hang out with because he had a way of making you forget about the stress of the job. Zdinarsk was the annoying older sister—beautiful but playful, always carrying a piece of candy in every pocket she had and more than willing to share. She loved to tease me, but if anyone else dared to say something to me, they'd better watch out!

Mansks was more of the silent but deadly brother, always watching out for me, especially when I was out in the field. His eyes are trained everywhere; you just can’t see it behind those sunglasses. He would back me up whenever he heard someone talking negatively about me—those people never came within my vicinity again. But he also had a softer side, such as being an incredible cook. We all call him the "Grill Master," and we eagerly look forward to the days when he decides to cook. We eat well on those days.

Ja, Brown, and Prager were a comedic trio, kind of like the Three Stooges, always getting into hilarious antics together. At times, I couldn’t help but think they might have all been sharing a single brain cell, their goofy dynamics perfectly synced.  Lopez, on the other hand, was incredibly laid-back and cool. He took it upon himself to teach me Spanish, focusing mostly on colorful curse words, but he always mixed in some valuable lessons too. Whenever music filled the air, he was the first to invite me to dance, his lively moves coaxing me to join in the fun.

I was close to everyone in our squad of thirteen rowdy marines; it truly felt like home. While the others were like family to me, Miles was something more. From the moment I met the colonel, I found myself enamored. It’s difficult to explain why or how it happened. At first, I thought of him as just a hard-nosed old soldier who wouldn’t give me a second glance, but then I noticed him helping his fellow marines with various tasks. He would check on them like a father figure, and even learn how I liked my coffee so he could bring it to me during early meetings. While everyone else viewed him as just a tough, by-the-book soldier, I saw him as a trusted leader who goes above and beyond to help those he is loyal to.

Simply put I fell in love.

Despite his rough appearance and reputation, I fell in love with him. I adored the warm smile he only showed when we were alone. I cherished how he knew I loved the plants and wildlife of Pandora, bringing me non-threatening flowers he discovered while in the field. He genuinely listened to me as I rambled on about the things I had learned from Grace, never complaining or zoning out like the others did. It was these small gestures and moments that earned him a special place in my heart. My colonel.

It wasn’t until almost two years later that I confessed my feelings to Miles, and to my absolute surprise, he felt the same way. Although he thought he was too old for me, I didn’t care. I had been surrounded by death my whole life, so I quickly learned to seize every moment; I never knew if a person would be there the next day. A year later, he proposed to me. That was the same year that Jake Sully arrived.

Jake was really cool—another fellow marine who, despite trying to hide it, was fascinated by the world of Pandora and everything he was discovering. He was granted access that I would have killed for: the opportunity to become an avatar. 

He was strong and independent; even with his personal and physical trauma, he had a playful side. I could tell that Miles liked him. He respected Jake for not letting his physical challenges hold him back. Miles admired people who persevered through issues.  Jake was close to us, even though he worked with grace. I thought for a minute I had another person to help me bridge the gap between soldiers and scientists the RDA had created. 

When Grace decided to take her group, including Max, Jake, and others, to the old shack to work instead of Hell's Gate, I was given the option to join them. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stay with them for long. I wanted to be with my family and closer to better medical care for the life that was now growing inside me. Grace understood that, but I could feel the divide forming between the two groups I was entangled in, especially as Jake got to know more about the Omaticaya clan.

I saw things from both perspectives. The RDA was primarily focused on making money, and given the state of the economy on Earth, money was a necessary evil. While I didn’t agree with their actions, I understood their motives. Alongside Grace, Norm, and Jake, I witnessed the beauty of Pandora, which helped me understand why the natives were so protective of it; I found myself gradually aligning with their views. A little while into Jake's expedition, I even had the chance to meet Neytiri.

She had shown up to the little shack at Jake's persistence to meet me, and norm and to reconnect with grace since she had known her from before. Jake was trying to show her that not all humans were bad, which I can’t say he fully succeeded in but she respected all of us. I mean she was standoffish at first with me, but once she saw my pregnant belly I could see something in her shift. Her natural curiosity breaking through. We started talking about children and then families and the differences and similarities between our people and their history,  we even bonded over teasing Jake which I found great, much to his detriment. Neytiri was great honestly. She was beautiful and strong and when it all came down to it we found we had more in common than not. I truly started considering her a friend and her doing the same with me.

Unfortunately when I got later in my pregnancy I could no longer fly out to the old shack anymore Miles being a worry wart. Actually all of the team were worriers but I just took it in stride. I knew how much they all loved me and I was happy to stay put to give them peace of mind. 

The only thing I wish I could do was get them to all stop taking Parker’s orders. It was like we weren’t even soldiers anymore, more like Parker and the RDAs hunting dogs. Every day things got more and more hush-hush. Even though I tried every day to tell them that the RDA was wrong they continued with their orders.  I know they were all loyal to a fault but I thought that loyalty was to each other over the RDA.  Some would listen to me and agree with some of the things I said but some would just shake their heads at me and tell me we have to do the best we can for our own before trying to change the subject. Hard-headed soldiers every last one of them but none more so than Miles. No matter how much I speak he's loyal to the RDA almost to a fault. 

I didn’t have much time left to convince him that what Parker was whispering in his ear was all nonsense. It was late evening, just before the eclipse, when my water broke. What an experience that was! After 13 hours of labor, my son was finally welcomed into the world. He was so small, with beautiful light blond hair on his head and his father's eyes. It felt unfair that I carried him for nine months only for him to look just like his dad. Still, everyone was so excited about him—our little Miles Lyle Quartich.

*(couldn't find if spider had a middle name so just went with they made Lyle his god dad and named him that)

It had been a couple of months since jr was born. When I took him for his checkup, walking past one of the labs I see Lopez, Ja, and brown sitting at some of the computers. That had my interest peaked since they all would rather die than come over to this section. Walking through the doors everyone went a little quiet. Like teeenagers trying not to be caught in a lie. That was red flag number two. Walking up to miles I ask what they all were doing. He grabs me and places me in his lap as he tries to distract me from my question by trying to ask me what I was doing, unsuccessfully might I add, but he tells me Parker is making the team catch up on their logs so that the RDA has a good view of what's been happening. I know he is lying to me and he’s lucky I'm tired from staying up with our son or I would call him on his bullshit but that will be a conversation for later. He pushed me off to go get some sleep while Baby Miles was at his check-up and that Daddy would pick him up and they would join us later. Placing a kiss on his lips I make my way out of the lab and toward our shared courtiers. 

A few weeks later, while doing a light patrol, I overheard some soldiers talking about how sick it was to see that big tree go up in flames. No, I couldn't have heard that right. After pulling rank on them, they explained what had happened, and to say I was furious would be an understatement. They also told me that the others were now planning to attack the Omaticaya clan. I was seething with anger. I immediately called Jake and the others, knowing that Grace would give me the straightforward truth without sugarcoating anything. However, I found out that they were no longer in their location, and when I tried to contact them, none of their communication links were active.

I quickly made my way to the research sector and tried to find Max or really anyone. Bursting into the lab's side room I see Max running around like a chicken without a head. 

“Max where are they what's going on” 

“y/n. You shouldn’t be here” 

“Max what’s happening the others aren't answering and I just learned Parker wants to declare all-out war basically”

“I'm sorry y/n. You’ve missed a lot since you’ve been out with the baby.”

“Well quickly fill me the fuck in.”

Max quieted me and led me to a side office, securely shutting the door behind us. That's when he revealed what had happened. He explained how the RDA had attacked Hometree and was now attempting to take over the Forest. He told me that Jake and the others had tried to help the Na'vi but were caught and labeled as traitors. Max and Trudy had assisted in their escape. Each piece of information struck me like a knife to the heart, piercing through my emotions. When I asked about Jake, all he could tell me was that Jake was trying to unite all the clans to stop the RDA and that a rift had formed, pitting Jake, Neytiri, and the Na'vi on one side against my loved ones and family on the other, all manipulated by the RDA.

There’s no way. The people who visited me and cooed over my baby could not be lying to me. The man I loved would not deceive me; he had assured me everything was fine. No, this couldn’t be true. I couldn’t contain myself and bolted from the room. Once back in my quarters, I emptied my stomach into the toilet, trembling with rage and disappointment when I heard Miles come in.

“Mamas your boys are home”  Miles comes into the bedroom seeing me sitting on the bed looking pissed.

“What’s wrong darlin'.”

“Don’t call me that right now Miles.”

“Darlin?”

“DONT.! I’ve got to know miles, where do you and the others get off lying to my face?.”

“Whatcha talking about?”

“I know miles, I know about the attack on Hometree. I know about Jake and the others I KNOW.” I say screaming. Little Miles now crying as I storm over and take him from his father, lulling him back to sleep and putting him in his little room while his predecessor tries to figure out what to say to me.

“Darlin now.”

“No miles this is wrong. I thought we understood each other I thought we agreed that we” / “Well, you thought wrong. Darlin. We are not here to make friends with the natives, we are here for the rock in the ground.”

“Fuck that rock Miles fuck the RDA the Navi are people they have emotions they have families just like us. What makes us so much better than them to do this? They did nothing to us besides try and protect their home the same we would if the roles were reversed”

“Darlin, I think you forget who you're talking to.”

“No, I know exactly who I'm talking to. I'm talking to the man I thought was the love of my life but with every word he's slowly proving to me he’s just as bad as everyone originally said.” Miles just grits his teeth as I get in his face. Just because I had a baby did not mean I wasn’t still a soldier. And he was about to relearn that real quick.

“y/n this is the mission I knew I should have pulled you from hanging out with those scientists sooner I knew you were getting too mushy for those natives.”

“Mushy miles what the fuck.” 

ENOUGH! He yells silencing my rant.

 “ At the end of the day, I am Colonel Quartich, at the end of the day I'm doing my duty to the human race, and I will not compromise that for anyone.” 

“I'm not anyone, I'm your fiancé, the mother of your child. I'm” / “You're still a soldier. A soldier under the RDA. Now I think it's time you take a little bit to remember whose side you’re on. Ours or the savages outside.” 

“The only savage I see right now is you,” I say as I throw my ring at him before snatching up Baby Miles's things and locking ourselves in the spare bedroom. 

I don't see that Miles breathes heavily, clutching his head as he tries not to punch a hole in the wall. I don't see how he reaches down and picks up my ring and pockets it. 

“I love you darlin', well talk about this later.” 

He leaves and locks me and the baby in our quarters with strict orders to make sure we are taken good care of. Making sure I stay there while the next mission is about to commence, cause he knows deep down he'll lose me if I go out there. But like Miles said I am a soldier and even though I just had a baby I was not about to let my family fuck everything up.

It took me most of the next day to get out of the room. But once I finally wired the room door to open I was met with no one there thank god most being called to the front lines. I run to the lab to find Max and others still there trying to figure out what to do. I run over and grab Max. 

“y/n what are you doing” 

“Max I don't have time. I have to stop this.”

“y/n there’s nothing you can do now” 

“No stop there is always time ok? I need you to help me though I need y’all to look after my baby”

“What y/n no” 

“Max, I swear to eywa right now help me.!”

He just puts his hands up and relents one of the female scientists Abby comes over in all her goth glory and takes little miles from Mac promising she will help look after him. I trusted her, she had a good head on her soldiers. I kiss Miles' little head breathing him in as he smiles up at me, his beautiful little blue eyes the picture of his father.

“I love you, my baby. And I pray we are reunited. But I have to go knock some sense into your papa first. Please take care of him.” 

“We will y/n. We promise, go give them hell.”

All I can do is nod as I hurry away, leaving half my heart behind in Hell's Gate while the other half gets lost in the forest. After commandeering a helicopter and its pilot I make my way to the shack, making good time until a barrage of bullets hits us. The landing was rough and my pilot was dead but I was close enough that I could make it on foot. I start rushing through the forest making my way when out of nowhere Dickson comes into my view. Ah, that explains who shot my ride.

He was a fellow soldier. Was on the same transport as me when we first arrived on Pandora but like his last name implied he was a massive dick. Misogynistic, self-absorbed, everything wrong with a guy he had wrapped up in a package. 

“Well ill be damned the rumors were true” 

“And what rumors would that be.”

“That you turned your back on the colonel and the others from some blue dick.” I just grimace at his stupid face waiting to see what move he will make 

“I know Quartich said not to harm you but if your turning ass and hanging with the tree fuckers then you deserve to die here and now.”

“Then do it you punk ass bitch.” I say before coming at the soldier with gusto. 

My life is on the line, my son's life. The life of my friends. I have everything to lose and I won't let some gung-ho jackass soldier take it all away from me. I need to get to Jake and the others I got to get somewhere to stop miles. Gunshots ring out as I ditch my gun to rush Dickerson. My knife met his chest multiple times effectively ending his existence. So long too bad rubbish 

I don’t even look back, It wasn’t until I finally see the old shack that I felt the burning in my side. Shit. I yell out. I have nothing to stop the large hole in my side but I can’t let that stop me now. I'm almost there. I almost have everything I need in the palm of my hand. I know seeing me will stop miles I know I could get him to stand down. 

Finally getting to the old shack I see  Miles and Jake are going at it, both not backing down from the situation at hand. All I can do is clutch my side trying to stop the bleeding caused by that bitchs gun. I finally get into the clearing yelling out to both of them.

“MILES, JAKE PLEASE STOP”

They both look over toward me seeing me stumble into the clearing. Jake is all done up in his warrior garb war paint on his face. He has a couple of cuts and nicks all over him. Miles wasn’t any better i don't know what happened to his amp suit but it now had no glass protection. Just miles with an exo mask over his face. The face that briefly looked upon me with worry and anxiety before his colonel mask came back up.

“Y/n get out of here it's not save” 

“You don't speak to her sully”. Miles turns slightly to me still keeping Jake in his peripheral vision.

“Darlin what are you doing here you should be holed up somewhere with the baby”

“This needs to stop, Miles, this is wrong. You know that 

“Darlin, I don't have the time to argue with you right now. I have to make sure this deserter piece of trash gets what’s coming to him. 

“Miles please, he just ignores me turning back to Jake full.y 

“Jake I don't know how you and those scientists took her away from me but I'll make sure you regret i..t

“Miles, listen to me please Jake has nothing to do with this. This is me please,” I say trying to stumble further in front of Jake. He tries to reach out to me but is shot back by Miles amp suit steeping in front of him.

“Miles don't do this, let's just walk away, please. We have little miles we have each other, everyone else that is left from our squad, We can all stand down and go be real people, we can all be at peace with the Navi and have our own family. We don't need to fight.”

“Darlin I know you aren’t telling me to turn my back on humanity.

“No, I'm telling you to choose your family and the people that matter over orders from people who give two fucks if you lived or died today. I beg you miles”

I see his eyes cloud over with indecision. I can see him starting to stand down when the blue behind him catches my attention it's Neytiri. I hadn’t noticed her before, preoccupied with my wound and trying to save my family, and she was armed and aiming right at Miles.

“Darlin you're right I.” /  “Neytiri NO.”

But everything is too late. Her arrows pierce through the air just as her battle cry does. Finding their target in my fiancé's chest, as he and his suit go crashing into the pandora forest floor

“NO!!!!!” I scream fumbling over to Miles's exo suit. 

“NO NO NO no come on miles please, please, please.”

He is still awake choking on the blood now filling his lungs. His eyes come over to me and he tries to lift his hand to cradle my face.

“Miles please no” 

“I'm sorry Darlin” 

“No don't be sorry, I'm sorry please don't leave me. I love you so much. Please”

‘Darlin I love you tell jr I love him too.”

“No, you have to live to tell him yourself please.” All I can do is clutch his hand against my face praying to whoever I can to save him. But it does nothing as the light leaves his eyes. 

“y/n”. I hear Jake say behind me Gently coming up to me. 

“y/n”?

“No, leave us alone.”

“y/n come on it's not safe out here” 

“It’s too late Jake please.”

Jake doesn’t listen to me and comes up kneeling next to me. Placing his giant blue hand on my shoulder I finally turned into him, letting him envelop me in the hug I oh so needed. Momentarily forgetting I was bleeding out and my love just died in my arms.

“y/n I'm so sorry,” he says but as he comes up to pull me away and look at me does he notice the blood now staining his hand “Shit y/n are you hit?.” he starts looking over me seeing the gaping wound in my stomach. He gently sits me to lie back on the ground trying to find something around us he can stop the bleeding with.

“Yeah, one of those bastards shot me.” 

“It’s ok y/n will get you cleaned up ok Neytiri.” He yells but I just put my hand on his face to bring his attention back to me.

“Jake, I need you to do something for me ok? 

“What y/n no you’ll be fine.”

“Jake please I'm a soldier and a medic I know when a wound is bad. Neytiri please just stop.” Neytiri now joins her mate next to me. She looked over me with a sad look in her eyes her ears pinned down almost guiltily but I didn’t blame her. 

“I'm sorry, tiri i'm sorry for everything that has happened to you because of humans but I must ask you. Ask you both a few more favors……. I want you to take care of miles. He's just a baby. He's not his father, he's not me, he's the perfect mix of both. He will be a wonderful human, I know it in my heart. Please don't let him suffer. Please” 

“We will y/n i swear.” neytiri says next to me, taking my other hand in hers, placing it against her cheek.

I have something else to ask Jake. Please give these to Miles too.” I hand Jake my dog tags with my ring on them as well as Quartichs tags with his.

“Please tell him his father wasn’t a monster. He was just lost, and I failed to lead him out. Please”

“We will y/n I promise”,

“Tell him I'm sorry I couldn't stay with him but I know he will be better off on Pandora instead of Earth.”  They both just nod to me, tears filling their eyes. My body has long since gone cold and I know my time is near. 

“My final request for you is to bury us both somewhere nice.” 

“What? Jake asks solemnly”

“Yeah somewhere beautiful, together maybe then we will be together in the next life.” 

They both promise me and watch as the rain begins to drop slowly the light finally leaves me and they both just look down in shame and sadness. Neytiri hugging my small body to her saying prayers to eywa for mine and miles soul. How could she refuse her friend's wishes? She may have not agreed with who her friend's love was but love was sacred. She and Jake would follow the women’s wishes.

After the fighting was over Jake, Neytiri, and the other avatars and people that had known followed my wishes. Neytiri dropped me in a beautiful fabric covered with flowers. Miles was given the same treatment. Both of us are positioned next to each other for the rest of eternity.

 The omaticaya tells stories of the butcher of the home tree how he wasn’t evil, just misguided, and how it takes those around you to help each other find the right way. The story is becoming an essential teaching lesson for all children. Miles or Spider as he likes to go by now grows alongside the other sully children. Jake and Neytiri stepped up to be parents to him along with the others who were allowed to stay alongside the Navi after the humans' mass exit. He was wild but very much loved. He knew who his birth parents were and he learned how much they had loved him.

Every year he and the others all go out to the grave site to pay their respects. Everything is perfect for 16 years until one night more stars than usual fill the pandorian night sky.