#its ventish though

[sweetronancer]

one of my cats died and like the other cats keep looking for her

im like sobbing i can't do this today bro

[skullzy20]

Y'know I am so sick and tired of adults placing the highest expectations on 18 year olds to start life when they're just becoming an adult

[krenia]

Shockingly less edgy than usual Anne

[v-iv-rusty]

I feel like growing up with parents that are rabid conspiracy theorists about anything and everything affects you like. way way way deeper than most people do (or maybe want to?) acknowledge. and I just wish it was talked about more honestly

[kwyoz]

greahndfiughbndfig ive been so so so SO busy doing shit that im in such insane artblock i want to scream so bad.

i got a new bed at least, but my laptop is in such a awkward spot rn lmfoaoo

[magical-experiments]

Well.

This is the wrong blog.

I thought this was my personal blog :/ uhhhhhh well it's definitely not relevant to the epprbcu at all..

I wonder if anyone would notice if I just. Left a discord server I'm in. Just straight up left. Like hit leave and never looked back.

Not like I feel welcome there anymore with the new thing that's happened... idk.

[borderline-culture-is]

ventish ? i guess . sigh // bpd culture is (this is a long one , im separating it into paragraphs because i dont want to send more than one ask tonight) realising i dont have any friends because the last time i did they let me get back with a guy that was abusing me even though i was trying really hard to separate myself from him, cus at the time he was my fp but looking back on it i hate myself so much that i didnt realise what i was doing, but to all of them, im the bad person and i hurt him. because why? was it because i was exhibiting symptoms that didnt fit his fantasies? was it because i have a personality disorder that can and will cause harm to people whether intentionally or not? or am i just destined to be alone? thats also partly why im trying not to think this over too much, because i know if i make any drastic decisions i'll lose my girlfriend and this is the first ever relationship she's been in and she's had it so much better than me and im so jealous of her and the fact she's liking everything i do and its just not how it works!!! i dont know what or how to tell her that if she keeps watching that show i really like i will try and hurt myself because its MY thing!! YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO WATCH FROM THE SIDELINES, NOT ACTIVELY ENGAGE IN IT!!! AND SHE'S ALREADY GOT MORE MERCH OF IT THAN ME, AND I'VE LIKED IT SINCE 2017 AND ONLY NOW SHE'S GETTING INTERESTED IN IT!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!! I HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh :(

.

[radicalhighway-moved]

hey..... im not dead! apologies if i worried anyone. july has been a rough month for me mentally the past couple years or so. ill explain what happened under the cut bc it gets a little personal and a tad ventish. with that being said...

tl;dr: i needed a break bc i was having a bad mental health crash and only intended to be gone a week at most. then shit hits the fan, i blink, and its been a month. im back now, though!

so uh. as stated before, ive been experiencing rough mental health crashes in july the past couple years or so. i tend to act more dodgy and maybe a bit snippier than normal, im not sure why. i only intended to take a week off to recover, but life had other plans i suppose. i ended up getting real busy with changes at work, then got hit w/ the sick + period wombo combo, and if the universe didnt hate me enough already, i got hit with the sickening revelation that i really dont know who i am or what i want. ive been so detached for like 2 years or so at this point. im just cruising through life, letting everyone else decide what i should do next. i dont know my desires or dreams, i just. dont have any goals anymore. im lost, im stuck, im stagnating. i know people say its fine to not know what youre doing and to be lost, but. im genuinely stuck. i dont know what im doing. what i want from my life. who i am as a person. ive just been surviving these past few years and its just. so. exhausting. and discouraging. so im like. trying to discover myself, i guess. im not entirely sure how im going to go about that. all i know is im sick of this all encompassing feeling that im stagnating and permanent state of detachment. im tired of being alone. i want to right my wrongs if at all possible, i want to be better. i just... need to discover myself somehow. i guess.

anyway.

im back now. im very, very sorry for disappearing like that, it was wrong of me to not even update yall on if i was okay or not. im sorry i keep doing things like this. i promise though, this time was not intentional. life just threw some curve balls my way, and a month passed by before i even knew it. ill try my best to not let this happen again, at least not without some pop ins for updates to let yall know im okay.

as an end note. im a scared animal. the thought that theres long, angry messages awaiting me on discord is... discouraging. to say the least. so i may take a bit to work up the courage (and spoons) to face my consequences for my shitty habit and check discord. im also lowkey a little scared ppl are gonna leave me over this nasty ol habit. not to say it wouldnt be warranted, yall have every right to since its a shitty thing for me to keep doing but. still hurts even if deserved. i truly never seem to learn, huh? sick of being alone, but refusing to be vulnerable enough to allow people to help me… crazy.

thank you all for being patient with me, and thinking of me if you did.

cheers

[cconfusedkat]

I kindaaaa wanted to make a ventish animatic by projecting my gender dysphoria onto a character but im not too sure about it still question mark

Its very fitting for hxm though, even if hx identifies as transneumasc ,, its mainly my dysphoria regarding being intersex and mental health so i think if i made it id be like. A bit relieved i could make a video out of it Rather than drawing (usually drawing isnt enough to talk abt my struggles so sometimes videos/longer projects are a lil better to do !!!!)

[abandonedsdjfhcvndfbv]

Obscenely depressed and i know logically that doing things will make me feel better but I justttt. Don't want tooooooo. I can afford to not do things. So if i can afford it i just wanna not do anything even if it makes me low Key Want to stomp my brains until they stop working and i can finally truly rest. Every day i wake up wishing i could go bakc to sleep because being awake is so tiring... Idon't know what's wrong with me... I went on a walk yesterday and it barely helped and I got school today and its the third week and i haven't gotten my books. Sorry this is sort of ventish. I drew a bit though and it made me feel beter. Drawing has become nice again slowly just becasue my spin fits my artstyle so well and makes everything so fun to draw. AND i can create NEW images of my spin too. Any wh fans online RN

[rosebud2829]

TW! Ventish with Implications of SH

When one of the people i acually enjoyed calling and that ive talked to all summer does soemthing that upsets me and when i tell them they twist it around and blame me but im used to it by now.

I felt so fucking sick last night. i had to hide the fucking sharpeners so i didnt pull some stupid shit. though i really wanted to bc the ones that i did the last time this happened a week ago r healing. and i wanted to do it again for some sort of control. But i slept. because i knew it wasnt worth it. I knew it wasnt worth doing that because its happened before. and if i go back itll happen again. and im tired of it happening. I just wanted a friend..

[circusfreakk]

VENTISH POST BUT TBH ITS JUST LYRICS UNDER THE CUT

"did you get enough love?

My little dove, why do you cry..?

And im sorry i left,but it was for the best

though it never felt right.

..My little versailles."

[rebpup]

ventish rant

i cant process that some people just actually like, leave. forever. they’re never coming back. its been 7 years and i’m still waiting to somehow bump in to him again even though he’s probably out living his life cause he would be what,, 25 now?? maybe?? he probably doesn’t remember me. i hate how i remember him. i want him to go away. i want him to have never even happened in the first place. he fucked me up. he sent me down that path. i know i cant blame everything on him, but i cant help but shake the thought that just maybe i would’ve been a normal kid if he didn’t do what he did to me. and god, i barely got room to breathe because like only a year after i cut ties with him i met,, them. i already wasnt in a good space but they just added on to everything. they created the domino effect of meeting her,, both of the “her”s actually. i dont want to say their names because i just, ugh i dont even want to think about them too much. im still seeing one of those “her”s, and i know exactly how to find the other one. i can reach out any time i want, but i know its bad for me. i know i’ll only get hurt. but i miss them,, i miss talking to them i miss feeling like their friends. yeah they were both terrible and deplorable but who cares??? they were my friends. it wont feel as good the third time tough, lol

[celestemysterios]

ventish, might require you to look at rain spoloier

just realized also that i probably wouldnt look good in it anyways, mainly cause i dont even look remotely like a girl irl

its fine though, all i gotta do is avoid mirrors, and try to not pay attention to screen reflections, and knoeing that i wont really be able to where cool/cute things

like omg i really want to wear feminine stuff, and i honestly think it would be cool if i went as that for halloween

probably wont happen for a while, atleast not until im 18

its fine though, i can wait. it will suck but its fine

cause ik i will most of the time wont get the things i want. i just gotta stop thinking about it, at least until I'm 18 or at least try to.

rain spoliers

where tf can I get this (ik I cant, BUT I WANT IT SO BAD ITS SO CUTE AHHHHHH

[relaxxattack]

how come twitter hates knifetrick? i havent read it nor have i ever been involved in any mcyt or adjacent stuff btw

oh man. ok let me explain the story. it was around exactly a year ago the main bit of this shit happened actually

in 2020 minecraft roleplaying (mcrp) becomes super mainstream with the rise of dream smp. in these series, stories are scripted and then acted out live with some improv stuff

in the fandoms there is a LOT of drama over whether it's okay to ship the roleplay characters. there's lots of stances on this. in the beginning, most people say it's not okay to ever ship rp characters, because the youtubers usually just use their own persona as a base for an oc, so it's basically the same thing as shipping the youtubers together. shipping irl people is weird and gross, so nobody wants to do that.

in 2021 a couple of ships start getting confirmed as canon in the rp. characters date or get together or canonically have romantic scenes. this makes the fandom hurt itself in its confusion, because it doesnt understand if it's allowed to ship those characters together.

two guys have their characters literally get married and have a child. the fandom LOVED these characters, they were well written and cute and had a great dynamic. the fandom wanted to ship them and support their marriage so bad. BUT. they were played by real people. those real people (tubbo and ranboolive) were also minors at the time, who nobody wants to risk being weird about obviously.

the mainstream fandom decides that to solve this problem, they will pretend that the marriage is platonic, and ostracize and witch hunt anyone who claims it's not. they draw tons and tons of ship fanart of the two characters, all helpfully tagged as "platonic", sometimes tagging every single use of the word "husband" as platonic.

EVENTUALLY, people start realizing, hey wait, this is roleplay. it's fictional. the streamers are not actually traumatized war veterans who invented nukes, have amnesia, raised a child, are half hybrid alien etc etc etc.

in fact... it's actually really weird to try and make their roleplay relationship the same as their real life one. in the roleplay, they are married and have a kid and act lovey-dovey... why would you claim that's their real relationship? why would you conflate the two? can't we just understand that it's fictional?

most of the tumblr fandom, eventually, realizes that fictional characters and real human actors are not actually the same person. (it helps that the actors themselves state the same thing.)

the twitter fandom however... does not eventually realize this. they stay in their "platonic husband" hell, simultaneously being really weird about shipping and outwardly hating all shippers.

fastforward a bit, there's another mc roleplay series. it's a spinoff series of that first one we were talking about, and it's an athology series-- a whole bunch of oneshots with new characters each time. keep in mind, these characters are NOT EVEN RELATED TO THE STREAMER'S PERSONAS... they make up new ones each time!!

anyway they do one of the oneshots in a cool futuristic city and i was like "man it would be cool to write about this." one of the characters (ran) acts very weird and suspicious for the 5 lines he has total, which leads to a lot of silly theories about what he might be up to in this future city. i think, "man it would be fun to write about him." a different character (jackie) remarks on that character as well; jackie is also one of the only characters to live to the end of the oneshot.

ages after this oneshot was actually aired i thought to myself, what the hell, i'll write a story about ran and jackie. they have literally no existing personality and the futuristic city is not even remotely expanded on- i get to do all that myself!

so i write a comedy mystery action romance novel about an alien assassin (ran) assigned to kill the general of the city's army (jackie) while they try to find some kidnapped kids. keep in mind, i had basically nothing to work with for these characters-- they were side characters for a single episode from a spin-off series, they had around ten lines total. i got to make up basically everything about who they were and where they came from and what they would do myself. the story is also chock full of OCs, and all of the mechanics for the city itself were original and invented by me-- it was a huge labor of love and invention and original work.

the romance wasn't intended to be a whole thing, but honestly it felt very natural (and all the story's fans definitely wanted it), so it eventually happened.

surprising no one, the same twitter fans who believe that fictional characters are somehow LITERALLY the same as their actors started trying to tell me i was shipping real life people. (what? gross?). they told me i was being a bad fan by going against the wishes of irl people who didn't want to be shipped. they accused me of so much, of just trying to "hide" that i really shipped irl people, tons of things. but my story was not about irl people. the characters literally have different fucking names, appearances, personalities, dynamics... EVERYTHING.

twitter users eventually started a "cancellation" of me. i don't even use twitter. but anyway they dug up a bunch of weird innocuous comments or fanarts i had done before, and then pointed to knifetrick, and said i was secretly a gross person, that i was a guy who shipped gaming youtubers, etc. there was a thread about it, idk.

eventually the harassment in my inbox caused me to take a break from tumblr for several weeks. i actually wasn't sure if i would come back. HUNDREDS of people were talking about how terrible i was; people on twitter literally have me and my works in their goddamn dnis. it was such a surreal experience and it caused me so much anxiety.

eventually, several of my friends convinced me to finish the story, because really there was nothing all that wrong with it in the first place. i came back to tumblr.

i added the banner that is currently in my pinned to discourage gross shippers, or people who think *i* am a gross shipper, from coming near me anymore.

as far as i'm concerned, ran and jackie are my OCs. they were from a oneshot-- a oneshot that has not been MENTIONED by its creators for years now-- who i gave an entire story to. i don't want to associate with that fandom anymore, so i don't want the characters i worked so hard on associated either.

they still talk about me on twitter sometimes, kind of as an urban legend of drama. "holy shit you guys remember the knifetrick stuff? that was so gross, how did we let any of that happen. people kept defending it too 🤢". it doesn't bother me as much anymore, because i'm surrounded by people with the critical thinking skills to tell the difference between tom hanks and woody, but it's still sometimes surreal and hurtful.

don't take this as just me complaining though- making knifetrick was incredibly fun, and i still adore all the fans and memes and fanart to this day. you all were incredible and pretty much make those awful episodes worth it <3

in case you're wondering, the steamiest thing those characters did, that people were so upset about?

they shared a chaste peck of the lips for .2 seconds before one of them tried to kill the other.

[theonetrueyeet]

realised recently that the “panic attacks” i have are not panic attacks at all. those are meltdowns. how have i not realised this. they happen when im overwhelmed and overstimulated and i can feel them building up throughout the day too. thats not a panic attack.