#its the stability and the calm of knowing you Have A Best Friend and that no matter what happens with other people you'll always have her

[widevibratobitch]

fake ass idgafer im gonna kms

[celestialtarot11]

How to manifest based on your moon sign 🤍🍵

Hi friends! Today we’ll be looking at how to manifest based on your moon sign ⭐️✨ please share your feedback and support this blog. Thank you! Regardless of your moon sign and astrology in itself, all these methods can work greatly for anyone.

Moon in air signs ☁️ You manifest when you allow yourself to see timelines of your future. Allow yourself to think widely beyond your current circumstances. How good can it get? What is there to experience that you haven’t as of yet? Use your mind to see, not restrict. Journal, script, use vocal affirmations and most importantly soothe any anxiety or worry about how it’s supposed to unfold. You’re not meant to understand it logically, it’s a process for the soul.

Moon in fire signs✨ you manifest when you are active! Get that energy flowing! Use the power of your heart and breath to invite new energy. Yoga for invoking energies can be wonderful to move any stagnant energy out your energy field. Go for a run, hype yourself up, play music you love! Dancing can help shake up stagnant energy as well.

Moon in water signs 🌊 you manifest best when you get enough sleep. Hydrate yourself, make sure your energy is clear and flowing the way it should be. Find your inner stillness, listen to yourself, and remember you’re here to make space for yourself amongst others. Singing bowls, mantras, chants would work wonderfully! Listen to music, get in touch with your dreamy side, and be the one to invoke change whilst remaining calm and grounded through it.

Moon in earth signs 💗 you manifest best when you know you are committed to your dream. If its in your long term you want it all the way, and thats your motivation! When you feel like the boss is when you manifest best. Take your time figuring out what you want and if it aligns with you, its important to separate others wants and desires from yours. Tap into the luxury lifestyle you know you deserve!

Moon aspecting Mercury: you manifest best when you journal, script, or say aloud what you desire. Have fun with your affirmations! Crystal work can also help you tap into universal energies, and clean your energetic body! This’ll boost your manifestations.

Moon aspecting Neptune: you manifest best when you indulge in music, or the finer things in life. Set the mood, set the tone, and allow yourself to dream. Meditations for your heart and third eye will help greatly! Create mood boards and visuals for what you want! See beyond the physical ✨

Moon aspecting Venus: You manifest best through self care, indulge in dressing up, and most importantly doing shadow work to free your heart space! Also creating visuals and mood board would help a lot. Allow yourself to get out your comfort zone and release what you’ve been complacent with.

Moon aspecting Pluto: You manifest through speaking as well, although it may happen at times where you least expect it. Tap into your deepest desires and transmute past pain related to that desire, and attract it! You have a raw ambition, power and strength you embody regardless of your past or present circumstances. “I don’t know how it’ll work, but I know it will.”

Moon aspecting Saturn: You manifest when you tap into your dedication commitment and stability. Manifest through the belief that no matter what is happening around you, you still remain committed and unbothered. Manifest for the long term.

Moon aspecting Sun: You manifest through vitality, power, and fun! Allow yourself to get creative with your manifestations, create a ritual, and be your best hype man! Be bold in what you want, and you shall attract. Balance your intuition with the powerful influence of the soul.

Moon aspecting Mars: You manifest when you accept your need for change, and your power to invoke change within yourself and others. Tap into that assertive, active, and fiery energy! Balance it with your feminine, allow yourself to receive just as much as you put out. Practice breath work and meditations for the heart!

Tarot cards associated with your sign & how to manifest ☁️🤍

The Star (Aquarius) • Justice (Libra) • The Lovers (Gemini)

Air signs you manifest after seeing the light, the hope, the glimmer of faith after an unpleasant or difficult situation. Reflect on the moments where others thought you couldn’t do xyz, reconstruct your faith and hope in realizing was it ever really true what they said? The narratives past down through friends or family? Did it ever truly serve you? Were they truly saying that because of self sabotage, or was there a factual truth in what beliefs were passed to you? Get in touch with the fact there are multiple, and all truths. All feelings, all experiences. We are not limited by our past, nor our mind, nor the stories we conformed to in our childhood! Reevaluate if the stories were a projection or your truth.

The Sun (Leo) • The Emperor (Aries) • Temperance (Sagittarius)

Fire signs you manifest best when you tap into your inner child. Provide for it what it didn’t experience growing up. How can you add to their childhood experiences? How can you fulfill their dreams now? Take care of them the way you wish you had been by others. Provide truth, structure, and discipline, but also let your inner child free and have a say in how you manifest! Love yourself enough to hear them. Create a beautiful bond with whats inside, and listen to the deepest parts of you. Your intuition lights up like fire when you connect to your inner child! Remain balanced & committed in your dreams and aspirations. If one did not work, where can you improve? Modify any self sabotage beliefs from childhood, and work towards your power and truth.

The Hermit (Virgo) • The Devil (Capricorn) • The Empress (Taurus)

For the earth signs! You manifest best through transforming self sabotage into inner love & compassion. Lean into yourself rather external things to cope. Build better inner structure, and soften yourself. Holding on tightly can break things. Introspection is your light and awareness to realizing what needs to change. Your narratives and stories are keys in what you’ve been telling yourself for so long. Work on your self concept and what you choose to believe in, that’ll help you manifest. Be your own boss, take a stable and committed approach to yourself and making all and every dream come true the way it was always supposed to!

The Moon (Cancer) • Death (Scorpio) • The Hanged Man (Pisces)

Ya’ll water signs manifest best when you find inner stillness and cultivate true inner calm. Find your center throughout the chaos. Work on realizing its always there for you. Once you know that space is there, work on seeing the love that surrounds you, and how that space is easily accessible if you just tune in. If you just listen to yourself. Lean into your intuitive truth, and allow your intuition to come forward. Allow yourself to shift into this reality with ease. Find peace in knowing you can access any dimension and reality by tapping in. (Like sliding into dms 😂) anyway! Harmony. Create harmony within your environment and prove to yourself you can have it come to you too.

Paid Readings you can book here 💗☁️

[goddess-in-heaven-and-hell]

The F-Word (BR) - A Gwynriel One-Shot for Gwynrielweeks2024

@gwynrielweeksofficial My first of two contributions to this years Gwynriel weeks, yay!

Thread: After Azriel accidentially hurt Gwyn in training, his apparent lack of care makes her question the true depth of their friendship.

word count: 4.2k

warnings: faint swearing, miscommunication

“I will kill him.”

Healing salve was applied generously to Gwyn’s throbbing wrist. The overwhelming smell of peppermint and oak bark put her frayed nerves at ease, and she was finally able to relax into the soft cushions despite the flash of pain that racked up her arm and into her shoulder.

“I will rip out every hair on his head one by one.”

A bandage snaked its way around her wrist, the gentle but firm hand guiding it nearly shaking with anger.

“I will plunge his oh-so-dangerous knife in his oh-so-dangerous head and see if he’ll still have enough bravado to hurt you then.” Nesta continued to wrap the bandage around and around Gwyn’s wrist and secured it with a pin as she continued to mutter unintelligible curses with venom in her voice. Like an over-protective ghoul squatting in the attic.

The priestess snorted, testing the stability of the wrap by flicking her arm back and forth cautiously. “You know he didn’t do it on purpose. I don’t think he even noticed what happened.”

Nesta levelled a stare at her that would have sent lesser females running. “And why would that be? What could possibly have happened for Azriel to not notice he sprained your wrist during training?”

Gwyn averted her gaze, lest Nesta see the faint smile that stole itself on her lips. “Maybe because I pretended it didn’t happen?”

The female kneeling before her rolled her eyes dramatically and got up to discard the medical items.

“It was my fault anyways”, Gwyn stated quickly, trying to calm down her best friend, “I didn’t warm up properly. No wonder my wrist couldn’t handle his weight without preparation.”

What a white lie that was…

Nesta scoffed, clearly not in the least convinced of Azriel’s innocence. “He is your instructor. He should know better. Especially when its just the two of you. The bat doesn’t have any reason to not dedicate every ounce of his attention to you when you train in the evenings.”

It was true that Azriel technically just had one trainee during their nightly sessions. The extra attention he paid her was only one of the many perks. But also the reason for her downfall.

“Let it go, Nes. It’s no big deal. Give it five days and it’ll be as good as new.”, Gwyn murmured, absentmindedly testing the bandage. Thankfully, Az had only rendered her non-dominant hand useless. Maybe he didn’t even have to know and she could ask Cassian to focus on leg training tomorrow morning-

“Five days where you can’t lift a shield, let alone weights. Not to mention having to slow down your library work.”, Nesta retorted seriously while observing Gwyn with a hawk’s eye.

Gwyn sighed, letting her head fall back on the couch. There was no denying it, was there? It went against every fiber of her being, but she needed to tell Azriel and Cassian that she sustained an injury during training.

Her ego will have to take the hit.

It wasn’t that injuring herself was so difficult for her to handle, it was more so how it happened that brought a wave of heat to her cheeks.

Because she did in fact warm up properly. Mother, the incident happened during the last ten minutes of training, every muscle – wrist included – had been ready for combat.

So how was she supposed to tell everyone that she was too busy losing herself in Azriel’s eyes to pay attention?

“I’ll tell Cassian tonight and he’ll relay it to Az.”, Nesta decided, clearly taking Gwyn’s lack of argument for permission.

The priestess nodded, heaving herself out of the comfy cushion and bidding Nesta goodbye.

As she lay in her dorm room a few hours later, cradling her injured wrist close to her chest, she debated whether or not skipping tomorrow’s training would be worth the trouble.

Nesta didn’t wait for Cassian to come home.

No, as soon as she heard the door down the hall clicking shut gently, she was out of her chair and on her way to kick some Illyrian ass. Even if that ass had more than a few inches on her.

“Az, may I come in?”, she shouted through the door while simultaneously knocking. The Shadowsinger probably sensed her agitation and opened after a few heartbeats, still in his leathers and eying her with a wary gaze.

“Nesta.”, he greeted her, stepping aside to let her in when noticing her expression. The male was smart enough to sense when her anger was directed at him.

She stormed into his room, turning around to a confused looking Azriel.

“Care to take a guess why I’m here?”, Nesta asked, her voice dangerously low.

Azriel had the decency to look mildly concerned. After thinking it through, he concluded to not have done anything wrong and wordlessly shook his head in her direction.

“Something to do with Gwyn in training?”, she prompted, angling her head.

Azriel crossed his hands before his chest, leaning back against the door. “With Berdara? Do you mean tonight or another day?”

“Tonight.”, Nesta replied, “During hand-to-hand-combat.”

She could have sworn a little blush crept into his cheeks, but it might have been there from the start. She was too agitated to care. “Nes, I seriously have no idea what you are talking about. Did I do something wrong?”

Nesta let out a long-suffering sigh. Honestly, didn’t his job entail paying attention to details? “You managed sprained her wrist during training. She came to me just an hour ago to have it set and bandaged.”

Silence ensured.

She expected her words to have some effect on him. After all, the two of them seemed quite close. But the pure horror that slowly took over every feature of his was another thing.

“I did what?”, Azriel whispered, body taunt with shock.

“She says it’ll probably heal in a few days. But she obviously shouldn’t do any training – morning or night – in the meantime. I wanted you to know that, just in case she shows up tomorrow pretending it didn’t happen.”, Nesta added, trying to calm him down again. She’d wanted him to grovel a bit, but now he seemed dangerously close to suffering an aneurism. “She’d rather have kept it a secret and suffer through her exercises than telling you. So I did.”

If it was possible, Azriel looked even more crestfallen at that. A low curse escaped him, and Nesta took that as her cue to leave.

As she approached the door, she paused to put a hand on his arm. “I didn’t tell you to make you feel bad.” Well, maybe a little bit. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. She’ll live. And you are both fools for how you acted.”

Azriel nodded, but it was so absent-minded that Nesta turned to leave him to his thoughts, bidding him goodnight quietly.

His reaction left her wondering, though. Had she been too harsh? If it got Gwyn a heartfelt apology and maybe some sweets to make it up to her, it might not have been too much. But the Mother knew Azriel was an overthinker. She only hoped that, whatever was going on between them for Gwyn not to admit to an injury would soon be mended.

She did it. She skipped training.

Throughout the whole day, Gwyn felt rotten to the core. She had never abandoned her responsibilities, at the very least not without explaining herself properly. Nesta had probably informed the two Illyrians by now, and the other priestesses had noticed the glaringly white bandage, but still – it felt so wrong to sit on all these weird feelings towards Azriel, to not talk to him as regularly as she used to.

It felt like abandoning him.

And only the Gods and Gwyn new how that made the already confusing and borderline frightening emotions she harbored towards him more complicated.

She realized it was wholly her fault. She should have admitted to the injury right away, blaming a loose stone on the ground, or an errand shadow or anything for her mess-up. But no. As soon as his arms had wrapped around hers from behind, as soon as she twisted her head to meet his gaze, she was lost. Utterly and hopelessly caught up in whatever daydream it was that took over her mind at that moment. And she didn’t have the capacity to free herself as he sent her tumbling down, painfully bending her wrist in the process.

She’d laughed it off, turning her back to him to stabilize and feel out the injury, all while joking that ‘at least he bested her once this entire session’. When she faced him again, he’d looked away too quickly for his eyes to linger on her form and suggested a water break.

Gwyn couldn’t pinpoint exactly when her feelings for him had taken such a turn. When their nightly talks or training sessions became a little less accidental, but rather more and more anticipated. She only knew that one morning, when her alarm allowed her a few more minutes to slumber in bed, her mind had drifted to him.

And it continued to do so until now.

She sincerely hoped she would get a grip on herself, or she’d completely ruin their friendship.

If Azriel didn’t manage to do it first.

Days after the accident, Gwyn’s wrist still too sore for training, the Shadowsinger remained as silent as death. No note, no impromptu lunch visits. Gwyn even trekked up the stairs one night, hoping to catch him waiting for her on the roof of the house. But it was Gwyn who ended up waiting for hours in the cold, without any luck. Not even Nesta had a message to relay on his behalf when they met for their weekly reading night.

It left a sour feeling in her stomach. Friends were supposed to take equal interest in each other. And Nesta assured her she informed Az of her injury. What was keeping him back, then?

Another long day of work passed and Gwyn returned from evening service, walking into the dimly lit hall that contained some of the priestess’s dormitories.

And stopping dead in her tracks when she beheld the massive bouquet of flowers that adorned her doorstep.

Peonies and tulips, lilac and lavender in the most beautiful hues of white and purple made the whole hall smell like spring. With measured steps, Gwyn crouched down to retrieve the card attached to the crown of the bouquet. The handwriting itself made her heart flutter with excitement.

Dear Gwyn,

please accept this as the first of many apologies to come for by behavior in training and afterwards. I hope you are feeling better.

Your friend (?) Azriel

The priestess’s brows scrunched in confusion. She appreciated the gesture, but something in his message bothered her. She read it again, and again, gaze snagging on his signature. And just like that, with as small of a symbol as that question mark, Gwyn’s smile was whiped clean off her face, her heart plummeting into her stomach.

Her friend. The word in itself should have been enough to elicit a little happy dance. Because that was what Azriel was to her, and so much more. It was a first step, the first time she heard him reciprocating the feeling.

But the question mark put the virtual nail in the coffin of her affection.

He either thought so little of their friendship he thought it breaking at the slightest mishap, or, and Gwyn’s lungs fought for air at the thought, he didn’t really consider them friends.

And it made sense. She never heard him say it. They never let a few days pass without seeing each other, but it took him a whole week to ask for her? Mother, she didn’t even know if he came willingly to their nightly training, or if he was ordered to – keeping an eye on the unstable female he had to save and making sure she didn’t crumble under pressure.

On some nights, she had poured out her heart to him and he had listened, comforted her, just as she had on nights where his own façade revealed the hurt and shame he carried around.

It couldn’t have been a lie, could it?

Gwyn’s thoughts spiraled, feelings of being unworthy of his affection eagerly feeding on her uncertainty. Until she was sure: he only sent flowers because he accidentally hurt one of the frail and traumatized priestesses and felt bad about it. Clearly not because they were friends.

Gwyn picked up the flowers and, trying to steady her breathing, brought them into her room where they found a place on her nightstand. Unfocussed eyes remained on the flowers while she debated whether she should cry or fight that overgrown bat – it only took a second to decide.

The priestess stormed out of the library, Azriel’s handwritten card fighting for breath in her fist.

She mulled it over as she took the stairs to the house proper two at a time, how he could negate their relationship with one simple message. Had she been so mistaken in his kindness, his interest? Had he seen their time together as an obligation, rather than a blooming friendship?

It agitated and confused her to no end. And as she finally arrived in the training ring, eyes already pinpointing the swirl of shadows with Azriel in their midst, she was positively furious.

“Azriel!”, she shouted across the ring, eating up the space between them in no time. She pointed her finger at him in accusation, her other hand grinding his message for her to mush.

The Shadowsinger turned, his expression morphing from wary to concerned in a split second. “Gwyn? What’s wrong? Do you need a healer?”

He actually had the nerve to step towards her, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders as he ran his eyes over her form. Trying to detect whatever it was that made her upset.

“Don’t you touch me!”, she snapped, and his arms dropped to his side immediately. “You forfeited your right to that.”

Azriel gaped at her, but nodded nonetheless. Massive wings behind him folded together tightly as he braced himself for her.

If anything, his actions made Gwyn even more angry. She came to pick a fight, not for him to roll over. So, the priestess stepped into his personal space again and pushed at his chest until he stumbled backwards.

It was petty, and unfair, and nothing like her usual self. But seeing the little slither of hurt flashing on his face made it worth it. She pushed again, ignoring the stab of pain emanating from her wrist as it collided with mountains of muscle.

“You are a coward!” Push. “You don’t deserve my friendship!” Push.

If Gwyn’s late high priestess could have seen her now, she’d have washed her mouth out with soap to negate the curse words leaving it.

But she didn’t care. The pain flooding her heart at his apparent betrayal was too much to deal with on her own. It needed an outlet.

After enduring another minute of her assault, Azriel saw his opening. He caught both of Gwyn’s wrists in his hands, stopping her dead in her tracks, and cradled them to his chest.

“Gwyn.”, his voice turned pleading and soft, “please stop, you’ll hurt yourself.”

And as the tenor of his beautiful, stupid voice reached her ear, all fight evaporated. With heavy breathing, she returned his stare. Somehow, even in the depts of hurt, the only thought her head could muster was how she had missed him the past week.

“I’m sorry.”, he whispered, his thumbs stroking up and down her hostage-held hands, “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice it. You truly deserve better than that.”

Gwyn didn’t find words for him, frozen in time as she stood before him, her chest nearly touching his armor. She didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. But an apology sounded about right.

“I was so caught up in my own head that night.”, he continued softly, his voice trying to soothe her into tranquility, “But I realize it’s not an excuse. I should have checked on you after that fall. Gwyn, I’m so sorry I failed you. It will never happen again.”

Gwyn’s eyes hardened. She stepped away from him, forcing Azriel to release her.

“I don’t care you hurt me in training.”, her voice turned cold. “I don’t care if you didn’t check up on me. What I care about is this.”

She flung the crumpled piece of paper at his feet.

Azriel’s eyes widened for a split second before he picked the message off the dirty floor, trying to straighten out the paper. He stared at it for a long time. Enough for Gwyn’s anger to subside, until only resignation was left.

She knew he was about to apologize again. But he’d never understand where she was coming from. Mother, she’d confused herself with the onslaught of feelings the little piece of paper elicited. So she spared him the mental effort.

“You don’t think we’re friends, do you?”

The silence that ensured was deafening.

“I mean”, Gwyn started, her eyes focusing on a stone on the ground, “it’s completely fine if you don’t think so. After all, we’ve been seeing each other only for a few months, and I know you have a hard time making friends. But I thought-“

With all the courage she had left, Gwyn lifted her eyes to him again. If she wanted his honesty, she needed to give it in return. “I have seen you as my friend for the longest time now. You are the person I can rant to with all the stupid, miniscule facts I read about daily. I feel like I can tell you about my hopes and dreams and don’t be judged. You make me stronger, even challenge me to dream bigger.”

She breathed in deeply, trying her hardest to keep her emotions at bay. “And until tonight, I hoped the same would be true for you. Yet I can’t shake the feeling that you keep me company because you have to, not because you want to.”

There it was, all her thoughts and deepest fears spread out before him as cohesively as possible. Minus the crush of course, Gwyn could only take so much heartache in a day.

Azriel gaped at her, as unmoving as stone, his message stretched taunt between his fingers.

And even though his voice remained quiet, the hurt in it carried all the way to Gwyn to bury straight into her heart.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Now it was Gwyn’s turn to gape at him. With each second passing, Azriel looked more and more agitated, his eyes pinning her to the spot.

“What did I do for you to come to that conclusion?”, he began pacing before her, each and every one of his next words a punch in the gut, “Was it the time I poured my heart out to you with feelings not even my brothers are privy to? Or was it when we spent nearly a whole night in each other’s arms when I can’t remember the last time I hugged someone that wasn’t family? Maybe it was that particular day when I nearly threw a temper-tantrum because you couldn’t make it to a session and I needed to see you so badly?”

He stopped in his tracks, hazel eyes so open and vulnerable that Gwyn had to swallow. “Or was it the night when I literally sprained your wrist and didn’t notice because your eyes are so gods-damn blue that I got distracted?”

Not even trying to process that last admission, Gwyn remembered all the instances he talked about. She’d considered them accidental at the time. That he was so stressed from work he took it out on the next-best person. But it slowly dawned on her that Azriel wasn’t the type to just dump his emotions on the next-best.

“You put a question mark.”, she tried weekly, suddenly feeling very small before him, “On the message, I mean. And you waited to contact me for a whole week.”

Even in the dark, Gwyn could actually see the vein in his neck pulsing with anger. He held his emotions at bay as he answered tough, his voice taunt. “Nesta came to me the night you got injured. She informed me of what I did and voiced her concern that you’d likely show up in training, pretending nothing happened. And the only logical conclusion I drew from that was that you clearly don’t trust me. I must have done something for you to keep an injury that I caused a secret. So forgive me if I didn’t think you considered me a friend, that I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.”

Well, that actually made a whole lot of sense.

Blood rushed into her cheeks. How did she let her emotions get away with her like that?

“Oh Mother”, she mumbled, her hands fumbling her hair out of her face as she tried to come up with a way to salvage this. “I misunderstood.”

“Clearly.”, the Shadowsinger deadpanned, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He observed her for a moment, his own emotions seemingly calming down. “So why on earth would you think I spend time with you out of-what? Obligation?”

With a deep, heartfelt sigh, Gwyn let herself sink on the nearby rock. The adrenaline that had been running amok in her body had left her to fend for herself, apparently. Even if it got her into this situation.

“I honestly don’t know. I guess I didn’t think you’d actually like me as a person, or as someone you could consider close to you. The fact that you were the one to save me that night in Sangravah doesn’t help this feeling either.”, she chuckled humorlessly, wringing her hands together for support, “I tend to think people see nothing in me but my trauma. That I need to be catered for specially, handled with care. I never wanted that.”

Azriel slowly stepped before her, kneeling down right before her spot on the rock. “And when have I ever handled you with more care than necessary?”

He pointedly glanced at her bandaged wrist and Gwyn couldn’t help but laugh. The admission did something within her, lightening the heavy feeling in her chest. He has always been real with her, holding her accountable, giving her his honesty. “That’s true. I know you designed the obstacle courses last year especially to vex me.”

The sheepish grin Azriel showed her was enough to get her stomach to do a little flip. “Worked like a charm, too.”

The priestess had to bite her lip to keep from smiling too hard. She remembered how she’d taken personal affront to the difficulty of those obstacles, and how she spent every waking minute planning how to best them – and in turn wipe the smug look Azriel liked to sport at that time off his stupidly handsome face.

The lightheartedness of the situation vanished, though, as she remembered how she spoke to him a few minutes ago. She’d pushed him for Cauldron’s sake.

“Azriel, I’m so sorry for coming at you like that, for screaming at you. You didn’t deserve that.”, she admitted, searching his face for any sign of anger. But she only found sympathy.

“It’s okay. You overacted a little today, but I didn’t react at all when it mattered. I’d say we’re even.”, he reached out his hands for her to take, resting them palms up on her knees. She complied, loving the warmth of his skin and the attention he showered her with.

“I agree. Let’s never talk about this again?”

Azriel nodded once, before lowering his head to press a light kiss on both of her knuckles, one after the other. His gaze snagged on her still lightly bandaged wrist. Pulling her hand closer, he kissed it too, his lips lingering on the gauze until Gwyn could feel the heat of them right through her skin. Her heart fluttered so loudly at the gesture she was sure he must have heard it.

So she blurted out the next best thing she could think of. That she couldn’t stop thinking about since he’d said it, actually.

“My eyes are teal.”

Azriel just watched her, a slow smile spreading on his lips as he took her in. As if he had nothing but time, as if he didn’t feel this overwhelming urge to shoot up and run from this situation. The bastard surely enjoyed her squirming.

“I know. But you didn’t seem to pay enough attention to the way I acted around you – and I wanted to make sure you do, from now on.”, he pulled her up with him as he stood to his impressive height. She would be paying attention now, that much was clear.

“Friends?”, Gwyn asked, not releasing him just yet. Their fingers must have found a way to interlace autonomously in the past few seconds and she savored the feeling of them a little longer.

“Friends.”, the Shadowsinger replied. But his face betrayed his even voice. Gwyn couldn’t quite put a finger on what happened, what change between them.

She only had this nagging feeling that more than friendship shone from his face as he bid her goodnight.

And she that she was well and truly in love.

[livefromthedas]

Surviving Purely Out Of Spite

(Also here on AAO3)

Chapter 1: Dishing Over Dishes

“All right, ready?”

Rook smiled and nodded, watching the fire light tired but kind brown eyes as Lucanis glanced her way.

“Go,” he said. The pair of them manned either side of the enormous cauldron of boiling water from the fireplace, both struggling to lift it at his command.

“There has got to be a better way to do this,” Rook teased, barely able to get the words out against the strain of such an incredibly awkward trek. Together, they looked a bit like a big, goofy crustacean, crab-walking their way from the dining room’s fireplace, back towards its little nook of a kitchen. The screaming hot pot between them kicked up steam the whole way.

“If you figure one out, let me know,” Lucanis mused. “Good - Up,” he directed, even though, in all truth, the pair of them had this nightly routine down to an art, and had for months.

It was no small feat, tipping that enormous iron cauldron into the kitchen’s wash basin, but they always managed, even after the longest days. Steam poured right back at them as water cascaded over eight people and a griffon’s worth of dirty dishes for the evening.

“I mean, you’d think a place that's able to stash things we haven’t owned in years in our quarters could at least flirt with the idea of making dishes easier.” First Rook had, to an unsettling degree of distress, found a perfect replica of the little griffon doll that she knew had gone up in flames with the same fire that had taken her parents when she was eight, sitting eerily upon the couch in her room. Within days, Lucanis had found a beloved childhood book about wyverns in his.

Dirty dishes, however? Apparently the Lighthouse thought those needed to be done the hard way.

“Ah,” Lucanis chuckled in that low purr of his, “I don’t mind this.” The glance he gave her made Rook’s heart flutter in her chest - That warm, heavily lidded flirt of his that always seemed to be reserved for late evenings and Rook’s company.

Rook flashed a lingering smile, reveling in the moment of sincere affection, before the feeling in her chest became more of an ache than a flutter.

It was still hard, weeks after having very nearly kissed the man in the pantry.

Rook still wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. One moment he had seemed so confident, so calm - As genuine as she’d yet seen him - With that same gorgeous smirk and mischievous gaze. He had leaned in for a kiss.

She had thought - had so genuinely hoped - that he had felt the same of her as she did of him. But the in the same breath, Rook had watched the weight of everything he was dealing with - from his imprisonment in the Ossuary, to the loss of Catarina, to the demon now squirming its way around his head - crash down on him so heavily she could swear he’d winced in pain. He’d apologized, and left.

It had been three days before they’d spoken again. Three days of awkward failures to meet each other’s gaze over dinner. Three days of Rook finding favor in dragging Bellara and Lace to help the Veil Jumpers in Arlathan instead of spending too much time at the Lighthouse.

Three days too many, they’d since come to agree - but just long enough, nonetheless, to make one thing very clear to Rook. Friendship with Lucanis Dellamorte was far better than nothing at all.

She loved him. She was fully aware of that now. He had so quickly become her best friend - The person easiest to talk to among their motley crew of adventurers. The person she trusted most. The one she felt safest with, against blood mages, against demons. Against gods.

And if the only way he was able to be loved was as a friend - That, she had decidedly resolutely, was how she would do it.

He stabilized her. Made her feel safe. Made her feel seen. And he seemed to relish their time together, always a little warmer in his smile, a little lighter in the weight of the world he had on his shoulders (Nevermind the demon in his head.)

And after startling the assassin with a hug after three agonizing days of silence, they had fallen quickly back into the habit of being inseparable.

As Lucanis dug into the dishes, elbow-deep in suds, Rook pulled a pair of hair ties from a pouch at her hip. The moment her own shock of long, curly hair was in a ponytail, she reached to run fingers softly through Lucanis’s endearingly overgrown shag, gathering it out of his way as well. It wasn’t lost on her that he went still as she did so, eyes fluttering closed, tension in his shoulders easing just a hair.

With as frigid as he could be about his personal space with most, Rook seemed to be the one person whose touch he deemed safe. Wherever they ventured, his presence was a close constant - a hand at the small of her back, the brush of her hand to his. She had been yanked out of the path of danger, off her feet and squarely into his arms, more times than she could count. Rook had joked that he seemed to be more aware of her surroundings than she was half the time (impressive, given Rooks years of keenly honed survival as a Veil Jumper) Always vigilant. Always close. Always the protector.

In recent weeks he’d gone from accepting that touch to actively seeking it out. It was getting harder and harder, she suspected, to forgo so much sleep. It was wearing on him, exhaustion clawing at the back of his eyes with nearly as much fervor as the demon that lurked there. Time with Rook, he had admitted, made what would have been agonizingly long nights far easier.

They’d since poured through books together. Stayed awake until all hours sharing stories of their very different lives; Lucanis with as many questions about her often solitary life as a Veil Jumper as she had about his very public existence as a Crow under the First Talon. And they always did so curled up on a couch or a chair, basking in the simple pleasure of feeling safe with their person.

Or, so Rook liked to think. He was certainly hers, at any rate. And that was good enough.

Lucanis nudged her shoulder with his own, and Rook was pulled from her bird’s nest of thoughts. She followed his nod, only to smile.

“More coffee?” Lucanis offered as Strife headed their way. He and Emmrich had been the only stragglers remaining in the hall so long after dinner. They’d been chatting over coffee, tea and pie for well over an hour. Now, the Professor lingered by the door as the elder Veil Jumper came to say his goodbyes.

“Nah, I was just about to head out,” Strife replied. Rook ducked out of the kitchen cove to give the old man a hug. They had been getting along a bit better lately - it was nice.

“Lucanis, thank you for the meal, it was fantastic. You,” he looked to Rook, holding the younger elf at arms length, only half-kidding as he barbed, “Try to stay out of trouble.”

“No promises,” Rook grinned. She looked so vexingly sly that the old elf shoved her teasingly back towards Lucanis.

“Watch that one, Dellamorte. She’s trouble.”

“Only the sort of trouble I like to get up to,” Lucanis mused so smoothly that Strife and Rook both took a second to realize what he’d said.

“Uh… huh,” Strife replied, one eyebrow raising. He looked between Rook and the assassin with a studious, critical eye.

Suddenly blushing and feeling a little too warm, Rook dove back into drying dishes… though, not without giving Lucanis a soft elbow to the ribs.

The Crow was barely stifling a smile. He was very clearly teasing.

“Right, well. Goodnight you two.”

Rook was a breath shy of chucking a sopping wet dishrag at Lucanis’s neatly pressed shirt when something snared her attention.

On their way out of the hall, heading out into the unnatural daylight of the Fade, Emmrich had placed a hand at the small of Strife’s back.

“Well, that’s new,” Lucanis deadpanned as the double doors closed behind them.

Rook, meanwhile, completely lost her shit, “What?!”

“You didn’t see that one coming?” He laughed, “Rook, they’ve been eyeballing each other for weeks. Why did you think Emmrich kept volunteering to go with us to Arlathan all last month? Because he’s interested in halla?”

“It’s Emmrich. He’s interested in everything, Lucanis. I just…” Rook pulled a face, “This is weird, right? This makes things weird.”

“Why, because he’s basically dating your dad?”

Lucanis caught a washrag with his face.

“Gaaah, yes, that,” Rook did the oddest little dance, as though trying to shake the weirdness from her bones, “And… more like grumpy uncle who’s been making sure I don’t die doing something—“

“Rookish?”

“Wow. I see how it is,” Rook joked flatly. Lucanis practically giggled like a schoolgirl.

The pair fell into a comfortable silence before long, interrupted only by the sound of dishes, crackles and pops from the fireplace, and Rook occasionally catching herself humming the tune in her head out loud. It was only once she caught Lucanis leaning on the counter behind her when he thought she wasn’t paying attention that Rook’s efforts to put away clean dishes were set aside.

“Hey,” she said quietly. He started, an almost imperceptible catch in his breath, and quickly righted his posture. Rook had a hand on his arm, “Go sit down. I’ll put on some coffee.”

Lucanis was rubbing weary eyes by the time Rook placed a steaming cup of coffee in front of him.

“Gracias.”

The more exhausted he got, the more often he stumbled out of speaking in Trade tongue, Rook knew.

With a cup of tea of her own, she manned the chair beside him, turned to face his way. She leaned back for a while, giving him time to get some caffeine in him, before nudging his shin with one foot, “I’ve barely slept in two days, and I know it’s been longer for you. How long?”

He grimaced and said nothing. He also failed to meet her eyes.

“Lucanis.”

“I don’t know, three days? Maybe?”

“Lucanis,” Rook groaned, “We talked about this. Because it was two days straight before that. And four before that. Nobody can keep this up - You have got to let yourself rest.”

“Not with Spite pushing back like he is. He’s… I don’t want to say worse. But the last 3 times you’ve caught him trying to waltz his way through the Vi’Revas? Also the last three times I’ve tried to sleep. In a row.”

“Maker’s nu— that’s all you’ve slept? In over a week? You—”

“Creador dame fierzas - Rook,” Lucanis bit. His tone came out harsher than he seemed to have intended. He winced, and sighed, “It’s a test of wills with him. He’ll get tired of it soon. He always does.”

Rook wasn’t even sure Lucanis was sold on the idea. He just sounded so, so tired.

“I know you don’t like my quarters.” Dislike was an understatement. Lucanis had inevitably had to fess up that the eerie, aquarium-walled room reminded him far too much of the Ossuary for comfort. They spent far more time in the dining hall as a result, “But I can stay here again if company would help. I could grab that book you’d—-“

“No,” Lucanis waved the idea off, “You said it yourself, you’ve barely slept in two days. And there’s no point in having both of us out of commission.”

“There’s no point in either of us being out of commission if we can help it,” Rook replied.

“I’ll be fine,” he pressed, irritation edging its way back into his tone, “I have a whole pot of coffee, fresh.” He gestured behind him before chasing off Rook’s frustrated glare with, “Which is actually pretty good, by the way.”

Rook sighed, “Well, that’s something.”

“Small victories,” Lucanis teased, “Look, as soon as Spite gets off of whatever tear he’s on, I promi—“ Lucanis had gone to stand, teetered, and reached for the table to brace himself.

“Lucanis?” Rook was quickly at his side, a hand on his back.

“Just… light headed,” he grumbled, a palm to his swimming forehead.

“Oh… my god. Lucanis.”

“I know. I know,” the Crow finally relented, “I will go lay down, all right? Mierda.”

Rook huffed a sigh, her forehead falling to his shoulder for a moment, before meeting his gaze again, “Thank you. And just… Feel free to let Spite know he’s on my shit list at the moment. You hear that, Spite?”

Lucanis grimaced against the flash of violet light in his eyes.

“Message received,” he groaned. Rook was surprised he seemed to be refusing to let Spite speak at all, “Now go to bed.”

Rook had nearly turned to do just that when Lucanis caught her hand. It was a spontaneous thing, his touch warm.

“Rook,” his tone had gone softer in a clear effort to calm down, “I’ll be fine. I’m fine.”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

Exhausted and frustrated and knowing there was little she could do to sway him, Rook stepped in to give him a hug. He tensed for all of a moment before a now-familiar melt, relaxing into the contact. Rook shivered as he sighed warmly into her hair. She gave him a last little squeeze before heading for the door.

“Good night.”

[pitchcom]

soz if u guys arent here for this but these are MY personal grid A/B/O assignments + reasoning:

Max: alpha and i feel like i dont need to explain this one LOL

Checo: omega but i could be persuaded to see beta checo !! like take one long look into his beautiful big brown eyes n little freckles and motherly aura and tell me you dont see it ….

Charles: controversial but …. alpha. omega charles truthers i see you. i love you and hold you dearly. but to me charles is just a softer alpha u know ?? but he still has the bite too him … like hes all sharp teeth grin n you KNOW its all casual with him but you cant help but fall in love w him anyways ….

Carlos: DOUBLY controversial but I AM AN OMEGA CARLOS TRUTHER !!!! like again. look into his big brown eyes n plush lips … look at his quotes about how he was “too soft” when he was younger n just wanted to be friends w everyone … i will die on this hill

Lando: TRIPLY CONTROVERSIAL but alpha lando scratches an itch in my brain actually !! like chest puffed bravado rookie lando wanting to prove himself bc people always assumed he wasnt an alpha … now mellowed cheeky alpha lando whose gone through 2 older omega teammates (spoilers for daniel LOL) and learned a lot from them …

Oscar: alpha but i could be persuaded to see beta !! idk hes just so chill. so unbothered. people assume hes a beta bc of his attitude but hes just been raised so that he literally does not care abt designations at all

Alex: beta but i could be persuaded to others … like this one is not solid solid to me ?? but hes genuinely just so chill with everyone on the grid that hes like a stabilizing force … a calming presence u know … even though he absolutely has the capacity to be teasing n silly

Logan: omega end of sentence. look into those sad eyes and miserable aura and tell me you do not want to bundle him up. hide him away whisper sweet things to him. he would love it too the frat boy logan-ers are lying to you …

Daniel: omega LOL i mean i can see alpha danny n would not necessarily be opposed to it but his kind of mentoring of max n lando … his wide eyed curly hair braces when he came into f1 … also honey badger nickname speaks omega to me. it whispered in my ear and i saw the vision of danny stuck with angry baby alpha max n the two slowly learning how to coexist abd slowly becoming one ot the closest people ever to each other

Yuki: i actually dont have a preference LOL i mean i think the whole “shorter/smaller person is an omega” thing is a tired trope so i feel i have a little predisposed bias against omega yuki BUT i am generally open to all designations for him

Fernando: I AM ALSO AN OMEGA NANDO TRUTHER i am too hung up on his twink days w the old grid to ever really see him as anything more then a conniving little omega who absolutely kicks ass and proves the haters wrong LOL. you love to see an omega whose a little feral out there. like go forth and cause mischief or something

Lance: i wanna say omega but i could be persuaded …. like look at him. plush hair big brown eyes with fluttery lashes pouty lips. hes a little spoiled thing like hes so cat coded to me. lanky ol omega who knows what he wants

Pierre: omega !!! i dont rlly have an explanation for this one it came to me in a vision BUT i love omega pierre … pretty little bratty omega …

Esteban: beta but generally open to all interpretations !! he seems so like neutral to me … like big lanky guy whose trying his best to stand out n get his moment in the sun but gets a little overshadowed by other stronger personalities …

Lewis: alpha 100%. again hes calmed hes mellowed but this man has the calm quiet “i know im the shit. what are you going to do about it?” alpha demeanor to me. like he absolutely tore it UP when he was younger n was brash n confident (and was not the best alpha) but after the nico situation and teaming w valterri he rlly had his eyes opened and now he’s just chilling

George: alpha but i could be persuaded to other points of view … like this man was crazy n dedicated enough to powerpoint present why he should be in mercedes 😭 i think that he is deffo like hyperaware of designations/tries to do his best by everyone in the paddock tho

Kevin: omega BUT i could be persuaded for beta kevin. no real explanation again but i am once again influenced by rookie kev and also his fatherhood

Nico: alpha or beta. again no real explanation for this he just gives off cocky would-be-an-asshole-if-you-didnt-know-him-well alpha vibes but in an uncle way. like the guy who likes to tease you but goes too far sometimes and doesnt rlly apologize for it

Valterri: beta through n through 🫡 again influenced by his stint at merc where he was the perfect second driver and was also brought in to help smooth over turbulent emotions that were left from the brocedes divorce and nicos subsequent retirement. definitely grew into himself a little more post merc tho and now gives no fucks about what people think abt him or his designation. viva la vida

Zhou: i wanna say alpha OR omega. my narrative is that he was a shy rookie who’s not super comfortable in his designation yet when he first debuts but as he spends more time with “no fucks given” valterri he slowly becomes more confident and comfortable in himself. thats it sorry zhou fans im not well versed in the zhou lore 😭

[theyellowhedgehog]

This is the character design I have in mind with the Reverse Robin + Parallel AU. Let's name it Ripple Effect AU. PART 1, 2, 3,

PART 4

Damian Wayne

So, Damian as you can see in my previous post, I colored his skin pretty pink. That's because I wanted him to be one of those kids that got darker as they grow older. You know ? Those babies that look like dumplings and got super tan afterwards? 🤭 Just imagine Damian after taking off his cowl and got a tan line around his mouth,lol.

Yellowhedgehog, where is Damian's green signature color?

I think he got his color as green because of his eyes or because of the Al-Ghul color.

But listen, our boy Damian falls out with his best friend *ahem* (which he will deny) due to Joker. So, I don't think he would even want to be near green.

Thus, I made him a color which contradict green, which is red. Which is also the color of his hero moniker, Cardinal, the bird.

Why Cardinal? That moniker was mainly used for Tim in his fandom.

Well, Cardinal is a bird that in some belief represents an angel that guide souls.

Damian's character development in this AU is to become one with Gotham, work with her and not against her, even though he wasn't originally from Gotham.

After Tim and Joker incident, he got it pretty bad because his best friend although survived, their friendship died. Since there was no physical body to bury it , he carries it in his moniker, likes a Cardinal is said to guide souls to a better place.

It will make sense later on when I introduce Jason and Dick.

Tim Drake

Yellowhedgehog, what did you do to Tim!

Yes, I made Tim bald, or like a fade bald? Yes, there is a reason.

After 3 days of captivity in the hand of Joker, the drug that he got injected makes his hair grow green for several years. Tim didn't like that. He didn't like hearing Joker's laughter in his head or be reminded of Joker when he saw the J Joker carved into his skin.

So he took back control the only way he could think of. He torched himself on his cheek to let it be a reminder that he survived Joker and not because Joker lost interest in him after the madman successfully got Batman's attention.

He buzzes off his hair because he will not let Joker controls him when he looks into the mirror and see someone who is not him.

So yeah, I hope that explanation brings answer.

Why is Tim's color the same as Nightwing?

I made Tim's color dark blue, but I'm not sure what color will represent Dick yet.

Blue is associated with green to some aspect. They are close to each other on the color spectrum. So why doesn't Tim chose a color far from Joker?

In physic, there are three main colors, Red, Green and Blue.

So my thought process was, Since a blue filter absorbs green and red, its perfect for Tim.

And while Joker's color represents craziness and chaos, Tim's dark blue represents calmness and stability. (Can anyone guess what Tim's future will be?😏)

Therefore, I made Tim, blue so he can swallow Joker whole.

What are some small details you also add to Tim and Damian?

There's no way it might come up in the plot but!

Damian has finally got a pet! It's not a dog tho! It's a hedgehog! *Nervous chuckle in self-insert*

Tim got addicted to cigarettes. This is because he uses nicotine to relieve stress and to ease his phantom pain from Joker's torture. He is trying to quit tho, cus Damian don't like smokers around the children.

Remember the goldfish in Part 1? Tim still has it! He named it D.A.L.F (Danger.Avoided.Lucky.Fish). He thinks it suiting because the goldfish was save from Damian's hand. Tim built a whole ecosystem for his goldfish. He took the goldfish when he moved away too.

Those are all the details I have thought up for now.

Thanks for reading!

[juvenillia]

~ Death of Peace of Mind ~ 09: change

Simon 'Ghost' Riley x fem!reader

photo credits go to very talented @ave661

a/n: welcome to the first turning point, enjoy the fluff till it lasts *rubs her hands devilish*

CW/TW: none, just a fucked up mission and Johnny is a teasing ass

wordcount: 3k

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Simon couldn't shake his thoughts away. No matter what he did, no matter if he was awake or not, they always lead to one person. Always circling around you, like a wolf around its prey. The way he despised you, the way he wanted to shove you into this training mat to show you where your place should be. And now? He sat at a table, listening to Johnny's rant about the dramatical dream he had last night and couldn't keep track of the words from the Scot as soon as he caught site of you entering the mess hall. His eyes automatically got dragged to you like a moth to light. Still wearing the same hoodie, you did when he frightened you in the kitchenette this morning. The exhaustion still clinging onto your body. He didn't know what made him go so under your spell, but he couldn’t avert his eyes. The image in his head started to transform and he couldn’t tell if he liked it or not.  But he didn't saw the same person anymore, nothing like you were back in the briefing room on day zero.

He didn't saw the threat anymore; the threat he believed you were. He saw an ambitious soldier. He saw a comrade, a member of the 141, and a part of him wanted to see a friend. He wanted to be a friend you could reach out to. He wanted to provide you with a comfort he himself found in this team. His eyes never leaving your figure, examining every little move you made. It was ridiculous how fast an opinion can change. It felt weird, but from the earlier despise and mistrust was nothing more left. Replaced with an interest, a deep longing to understand your mind. He knew himself how complicated a life like yours could be. Letting people in was never a choice someone would easily make. He knew what pain, both mentally and physically, has to be endured. A pain most out standers would never understand, even if they say they appreciated your service. He knew how all that left scars deep into the soul and he knew that someone would rather turn cold and distant than to go through all of it again. Still, he wanted to take a look, he dared himself to get a glimpse of insight of your mind, maybe even your heart. You were nothing than honest around him and he did appreciate it. He appreciated the way you talked with him about topics he would never talk about. But he would like to listen to your voice. With every fibre in his body would he listen. Even if there were only fractures of both of your stories shared with each other, there was a bond formed that gathered him a stability. A stability your presence provided him. A stability only Gaz, Price and Soap could provide until now, but now you're a part of it. A part of Ghost's life and maybe - maybe if he would be honest with himself - he wanted you to be part of Simon's life as well.

"Aye. Lt. Are ya even listin'?", Johnny snapped his finger in front of him, before following Ghost's eyes back to you and a smirk flashed over his face. "A bit distracted, eh?", the Scot added with a mischievous tone. Ghost sent him one of his typical glares before averting his gaze back to the empty plate in front of him. "Patience isn't my best trait.", he just said calm. Johnny looked confused at him; another voice could be heard but before he could question it any further. "Well, we should be glad that we have enough time to breath between the operations at this point.", Kyle said out of the blue while sitting down next to Johnny. Gaz had no idea what the intentions of the earlier talk hold, but he supposed it was about the amount of time spent on base right now. "Are yer makin’ good progress?", Johnny gave him a curious look, while he still watched how you got yourself a coffee. Simon noticed too. How couldn't he? He was already observant from the first day and is memorizing every routine around him, and it's a thing it made him frown behind his mask. Around this time, you would still cling to a good cup of tea. You would first switch to coffee later after noon, when the work still needed your whole attention. "Aye. She really is good in tracing patterns and solving puzzles. That's a huge assistance.", Kyle said while stirring his tea. His voice still filled with some tired roughness. Simon wondered how much sleep you got. He worried – but only the slightest and just for professional purposes - that it wasn't enough at all. "Price really found our missing piece with her, eh?", Johnny laughed and waved you over, inviting you to sit with them. Ghost's eyes immediately trailed back to your figure. A strange feeling, a feeling he never knew, starting to boil in the bottom of his stomach. A feeling he couldn't label. He dismissed it with his usual concern. Concern about the wellbeing of this team and now, that you were a part of it, it only made sense that he worried about your wellbeing the same amount.

You slowly walked over, "Mornin' ", you said with an exhausted smile. Everyone greeted you in their usual manner. Your eyes didn't dare to look at Ghost. Earlier today you had no problem being in his presence. Too tired, too exhausted, too broken to care. But now your mind gave you again some images you'd rather forget about it. His glance lingering on you gave you already a warmth spreading across your cheeks. "You already on it again?", Kyle exhaled softly, looking at the cup with coffee on your hand and you nodded. "Need to crack it." - "Sit with us and eat something. Then yer can get back to the codes.", Johnny looked at you, still a bit concerned but after all just caring. You shook your head, "Later, can't relax until it's done." Ghost knew what you were up to. He did it himself so often. Burying yourself with so much work that your mind will be distracted, that will keep your brain busy so the demons couldn’t come in. He wasn't the right person to lecture you about it, so he stayed quiet. Price would sooner or later come at you for this behavior, he always did with Simon. His eyes never left you, not even when you already were on the way back to the IT department, to get the intel deciphered.

As you sat in the calm surrounding from the room you worked the last day on, sipping your coffee to get your brain back to work, your mind once more travelled through the last week. A week filled with so much emotional mess and growing you hadn't felt within the six months of trying to adjust to a normal life. Those four men achieved to turn your point of view and provided you with a place you want to protect to. Shoving the dreams aside, because they were only side effects of your needy and horny period brain. You found yourself surrounded by people you want to keep around people you want to fight for. A chuckle escaped your lips as you let the mouse cursor dance over the files on the screen. Change wasn't always a bad thing, sometimes you just need to lay back and let it happen. But that is easier said than done.

"What's so funny, Sergeant?", Kyle sat next to you and turned on the computer in front of him. "Nothing, really.", you said wearing a tired but soft smile. "Oh c'mon. Share with the class.", he placed a mug full of hot tea next to him and rummaged through some papers in front of him. "Nope, you gonna make a fuzz about it.", you jokingly pout. "As though! Tell me!" - "Attention to the task Garrick."

You didn't tell him of course, you went back into the piles of data and from time-to-time Kyle would approach you again, ask what was on your mind. He was determined to find out, and even more determined to share with the whole class aka Johnny. If you learnt something about Gaz, then you totally knew he loved to gossip. You knew he wouldn't keep quiet, and you weren't so sure if you already were down to commit that you found a liking in them. You were not good with that kind of stuff. Praising someone for a good work done, no problem. Admitting your feelings that you had when having them around you, no way. But you bet they already knew anyways. Especially Price. Your behavior towards them changed, even when they treated you almost the same as from the beginning, it changed. It changed because you changed around them. It was more warm-hearted, looking out for each other, and it was more genuine. Literally looking forward to spent time with them.

You tried to make out what brought the change, but you couldn't care too much. The way you laughed at Johnny's stories, the way you could have philosophical arguments with Kyle, the way Price always had an open door for whatever you needed, and the way Ghost was somehow always nearby. It granted you a safe zone. Something you thought you lost about a year ago. Something you thought you would never find again and still you were here. And you would make sure, that you really deserved it, that the trust you earned was justified.

Kyle would be gone sometimes, picking up a fresh coffee for both of you and something to eat. He made sure you would eat and take some breaks, even if it was just for a quick smoke or a walk around the building. He had to promise Johnny to force you to, because the Scot himself had too much on his plate with the recruits today. Him and Ghost were assigned for the training session with them and there he couldn't easily sneak away to look after you.

But what he could do was to annoy the shit out of his Lieutenant. "C'mon Lt. Dae like her. Admit it.", he cooed with a mocking tone. To be honest, Johnny had no problem with the idea that Ghost already finding his peace with you at all, but it still was unusual that it happened that fast. " Don't know what ya mean.", Ghost said stern while eyeing the rookies during their tasks. "Yer bum’s oot the windae?" - "Bloody ‘ell, MacTavish, speak English." - "I said yer talking rubbish.", this only earned him some of the usual Ghost snarl and Johnny laughed while bumping his shoulder into Ghost's. Johnny knew better, he saw it and he already planned on pushing his Lieutenant as far as possible.

The clock stroke seven when you finally stretched your limbs out. Your tired eyes hovering over the screen and just in that moment you saw something. You reached out to shamelessly hit Kyle's arm with your palm a few times to get his attention. "What?!", he shrieked from the sudden impact. "Do we still have the intel from that Russians base?", you didn't look at him, your eyes were pinned onto the monitor. Gaz looked at you with some disbelief but reached out for some hard drives and put them into his computer. There was just a little thing, a little side note, you missed while looking through the intel for god knows how often. Gaz pulled out some of the reports from the intel and there was the same note. With that little symbol you had reached a turning point. Scanning every line for more hints to put those two together. Frisking for the tiny hint. But nothing could stop you now. This little word ignited a determination within the two of you and you kept searching and searching until you found some clues. The base you frisked last week was indeed linked to Popow and with that also to the Camilo incident. "Fuck...", you exhaled and Gaz only nodded. It also meant that you missed something important while tearing the base apart. You immediately reported your lately gained information to Laswell and Price, who started to map out an emergency plan. You had to do something. Your informant back then had told you the base was empty, nothing to worry about but after your latest discovery it would quite possible that the base was still in active use. Therfore you had found way too less guards in there. It made no sense at all. But you couldn't do anything about right now. You got all information out of the files and the rest was up to your superiors now.

It was almost nine by now. Gaz tapped softly at your shoulder, "C'mon. Let's go the common room. I'm gonna make us some tea and you relax a bit." - "Do I have a choice?", you chimed while following Kyle around the base. With every step you took closer to the common room, you could feel the soreness in your limbs raise. The exhaustion from the past days creeping up your body. Gaz was the first to enter the area, closely followed by you. Johnny was in his usual spot on the smaller couch, Ghost across from him on the larger one. "Gonna make us some tea. Want some, Lieutenant?", Kyle said while directly moving to the kitchenette. Ghost only hummed in appreciation. "Yer fuckin Brits with yer tea.", Soap mocked while smiling teasingly at you. Usually, you would have taken the place right next to him, but at this moment you wanted to lay down properly. As properly as possible on that couch. Your body literally begged you for some good old cozy rest. So you walked over to the couch with the masked man, not paying much attention to him, you flinged yourself onto the longer part of the l-shaped-couch, throwing an arm over your face, and letting out a long exhale. The arm should guard you from the embarrassment that still clung onto you, while being right next to Ghost, but also to shield your exhausted eyes from the bright lights.

"That bad, eh?", Johnny teasingly nudged your foot that hung lack from the couch with his own. "Worst case scenario.", you said while not removing your arm from your face nor reacting to the impact of Johnny's touch. "What do you mean?", it was now Simon's voice echoing through your ears. "We messed up.", Kyle started to explain while handing Ghost a cup, and waited for you to sit up to take your own. So you did. Leaning into the comfort of the couch listening to the men brag and discuss the situation you found yourself in. You tried to keep track of everything, but you were too tired and you could feel how your body wanted to get the rest it needed.

Just the sudden feeling of weight on your right shoulder dragged your attention to the gloved hand resting there. You blinked in confusion at the masked face next to you. "Sorry, what?", you didn't even realised someone was talking to you. Especially not that it was him. "You look sick, Sergeant.", he stated calm, not removing his hand from your shoulder. His touch felt utterly comforting. Your head fell back into the couch. "I'm fine. Just tired.", you exhaled while clinging onto the mug in your palms for your dear life.

Without a warning you felt a soft palm onto your forehead, and then your cheek. "Yer burning.", Ghost had removed his hand from your shoulder, took his glove off and placed his hand onto your face. It was gentle and hesitant, it didn't lingered there for long anyways. Still definitely longer than he intended. But his touch felt so weirdly good and dear. "Maybe you should get it checked.", Johnny intervene. Kyle giving you a concerned look as well. You shook your head, "I know my body, okay? It's always the same during this time of the month.", you sighed. The heat on your cheeks were totally blamed due your period, but the closeness from your Lieutenant only made it worse. All three men exhaled with a little and nearly inaudible 'oh', not wanting to push the topic any further and decided to rather trust you on this.

The men, mostly the two across from you, talked about the whole situation. Ghost only added some comments, his eyes always tracking your figure from aside. Checking if your status got any worse. His eyes did widen in surprise as he could catch a glimpse of your head completely falling back, eyes closed and lips slightly parted. Your chest lifting in regular and deep pace. You were asleep, so deep asleep you didn't care about the other two men laughing wholehearted. The view in front of his eyes made something within the cold wall around himself melt. A slight smile creeping onto his lips. A genuine smile hidden behind his mask. He gently took the mug out of your hands and placed it on the coffee table in front of you. He didn't dared to avert his gaze from your figure. The peaceful sight of you silently snorring gave him a strange feeling of pleasure. You felt safe enough around them to fall asleep right here and now. This had to be the greatest compliment someone like Simon could get.

Johnny smiled at you while Kyle only shook his head. "Says she knows her body but doesn't know when to rest.", he chuckled.

taglist: open just lmk

@yyiikes @saffronimagines @originaldeerhottub @illuminwtesz @killergoddess97 @kaelaiscool

[dontexpectmuch]

part 4 - [Lost in Madrid]

-

author note; btw for those who dont know me. im a whore for angsty fics w no happy ending 🤭 just for ur information hehehehe,, hope you enjoy this part, mwah mwah

- did not proofread!

series.masterlist

-

shit, you should have gone to the toilet one last time before leaving, your nerves messing with your stomach in an uncomfortable way. your hands feel clammy, getting warmer the longer you hold the bouquet of flowers.

you don’t even know why you feel so nervous, it’s not like you’re meeting a friends [yuck] parent for the first time. you try to reason with it by telling yourself that you simply do not want to be annoyed by judes presence in front of his mother [yeah sure], you actually want to meet her.

taking one last breath, trying to stay calm, you knock on the door and put on your best smile you could muster, not wanting to come off as rude.

you hear plates cling and metallic utensils fall down, before the door is opened abruptly by none other than jude himself. he looks out of breath, chest heaving up and down, you note, but he also looks good [too good, yes you admit].

black baggy pants, an oversized grey shirt and a necklace in the middle of his chest on top of it, his face adoring a smile.

“already in love with me?” he greets you, smirking as he leans against the door frame.

you roll your eyes, turning around to just leave. you can’t even take one step as you feel judes hand closing around your upper arm, [unfortunately] halting you movements.

he laughs, pulling you inside and telling you where to put your shoes, “mum’s been cooking all day.” he tells you, making you follow him to the kitchen.

your eyes look around, the apartment is beautiful, you think, nice view over the city from the living room, high ceilings and a homey feeling greeting you as you step into the living room slash kitchen area, the smell of fresh food finding its way to your nose.

denise calls your name as she sees you walk in, drying her hands on her apron to invite you to a hug which you gladly accept.

“these are for you.” you take a step back to get the flowers from judes hands, handing them to his mother who smiles at you widely.

“you didn’t have to, honey!” she lifts them up to her nose, smelling them. “they are wonderful, thank you.”

“just as wonderful as you are, denise.” you genuinely say back, watching her chuckle as she moves back to the kitchen to find a vase.

“just as wonderful as you are.” jude mocks you, his face near your ear to keep it between you guys.

without looking at him, you hit his chest [should’ve been his face], making him choke on his spit.

he coughs roughly, hand on your shoulder to stabilize himself, “dude, that’s mean!”

“you’re mean!” you draw your eyebrows together and decide to move to the kitchen to see if you could help.

however it seems like denise already prepared everything for dinner, the only thing left is to sit down and enjoy it together, which you do.

the room is filled with laughter and conversations about various topics, creating a warm atmosphere. even though you haven’t noticed it so far, the feeling of eating together as a family is truly one thing that you have missed since you’ve been in madrid, filling your heart with a sense of peace. you wouldn’t tell jude about [he would never live that down], but you are quite thankful for meeting him, him granting you this opportunity of feeling familiarity in a foreign country.

“how long until you finish university?” denise asks, taking a sip of her drink.

you swallow your food, “well, after my internship it might take around eight weeks to get the results.” you hum, organizing your thoughts, “afterwards everything goes pretty fast, i would have to hold a presentation, explain and defend my results and own theories. after that i will hopefully graduate.”

her eyes widen, “that’s a lot, no?”

jude speaks up as well, body leaning back against his chair, “that takes so long, no wonder you’ve become a grandma-“

he suddenly yells, almost jumping out of his seat, “ow! guys no need to attack me from both sides!”

“deserved.” you roll your eyes, sweetly smiling at denise who returns the gesture, asking you if you would like to eat some more food.

“yes, please! everything tastes amazing, denise. thank you so much.” you hand her your plate, watching her get up to move to the kitchen.

“my legs hurt.” jude whines from beside you, making you scoff.

“shouldn’t have been so rude, then.”

“how am i supposed to know that i would get attacked from both sides! my legs are very important, y’know!” his voice gets louder, body leaning towards you.

denise comes back, hand your plate back to, “doesn’t mean that you can say rubbish to our guest.” she comes to your aid, smiling at you.

“wow, you two really work against me, eh?”

“yes.” denise and you say at the same time, focusing on the food in front of you.

judes whining is heard every now and then throughout the dinner, however the two of you decide to ignore him and focus on your pleasant conversation. you help her with the dishes afterwards, while jude takes out the trash. [obviously complaining about how he always has to do the hatd work, you continue to ignore him.]

“i heard that you live close-by.” denise continues your conversation as you sit down on the couch in the living room, half empty cup of tea in your hand.

you nod, [wishing wouldn’t have to] “jude told me that you guys live down the street after we met at the grocery store.”

“best thing to ever happen to you.” you hear judes [attra-, annoying!] voice from behind you, his hands now resting on the couchs back behind you.

“mh, sure.”

denise laughs at you two, getting up to put her cup back. you follow suit, also getting ready to leave as you have seen that it has been already two hours since you came. you hug denise, thanking her for the food and kind hospitality, and also telling her to visit you sometime.

jude walks to the front door with you, watching you put on your shoes, “why are you leaving already?”

you pause, looking up, “eh, it’s getting late?”

you finish putting on your shoes, grab your bag and move to open the door. jude does the same, your hands now meeting on the doorknob, making you pause your actions. you quickly pull back, clearing your throat as you watch him open the door for you.

“want me to walk you home?” his voice is low, making the hair on your neck stand up. [because it’s annoying, nothing more.]

you shake your head, stepping outside, “‘m meeting a friend.”

“this late?” he crosses his arms in front of his chest, once again leaning against the doorframe.

frowning, you stem your hands on your hips, “pardon? who are you again?”

“your bestest best friend?” jude copies your attitude, smirking as he sees your eyes roll.

“‘m going.” your start to walk away, putting an end to this [ridiculous] conversation.

“text me when you’re home! and don’t stay out for too long!” he calls after you.

“yes, mom!” you call back, not bothering to turn around to look at his [handso-, no, stupid] face.

-

“but what is so wrong of being friends with him?” amanda asks, setting her glass of wine down.

music is heard through the box that was standing on the coffee table, filling the room quietly. the moon shines through the windows, amandas chain led-lights dimmed down, a comfortable vibe hovering within the room.

you sigh, leaning your head back with your eyes closed. fuck, you don’t even know why you’re so against it.

“i just,” you try to gather your thoughts, taking a sip from the glass, “i won’t be here for long, y’know? i don’t want to bond with someone like that only to never see them ever again.”

amanda chuckles, patting your knee softly, “mija, why wouldn’t you guys see each other again? that doesn’t make sense.”

“it does!” you try to defend yourself, sitting up, “i have to focus on my studies, afterwards get a job. i won’t be able to meet him in madrid whenever i miss him.”

“so you admit that you like him?” she teases you, nudging your foot with hers.

you groan, [sadly] admitting that you actually grew to enjoy his presence in the past month.

“i mean, he is annoying, loud, rude and calls me grandma, pushes me away to cheat when we race, throws his sweaty towel at me, and water too, and he-“

amanda cuts you off, telling you to get to the point.

“he, i don’t even know, he is actually fun to be around. being friends with him, getting used to his presence isn’t hard, it almost came naturally.” you explain, pulling your knees to your chest to rest your chin on them.

“but why be so upset about something that hasn’t happened yet?” amanda asks, sipping on her wine. her eyes are on you, and even though it’s the rooms lights are dimmed, you can still see the warmth seep through them, a sense of comfort washing over you.

“but it will happen, ‘manda.” you know that you are being unnecessarily pessimistic, but you can’t help it. “i don’t want to get attached only for it to break my heart into pieces.”

she sighs, “what will you do then?”

you shrug, not so sure yourself. you could create a certain distance between you and him, trying to lose some attachment that you [unfortunately, you would never tell him] have. but that wouldn’t be fair to jude, either. he didn’t to anything wrong. how would you explain that to him?

‘hey, i actually quite like being around you and being friends with you, but i don’t want to get used to you because i know that it will break my heart, yeah, so, bye!’? you scoff at this thought, head starting to hurt as you try to come up with different explanations.

amada gets up to go to the bathroom, hand on your shoulder as a sign of comfort as she passes by.

now that you are alone, you put your forehead against your knees, deeply exhaling. the music in the background helps as a distraction from your thoughts, though this sound of it gets interrupted by your phone. a new notification. you don’t bother to check who it is - your heart starts to beat fast as you think of someone who it might be. but you don’t lift your head, wanting to be left alone during your [pitiful] situation.

you have never had this problem before. you loved to meet people whenever you travel, creating memories with them and cherishing those whenever you think about it. this situation, everything about jude is just weird, you don’t know [or do you?] why he is such a big concern of yours, as if you actually are the moon, turning i orbits around its sun, in this case, jude. you should be friends with him, enjoy the time the two of you have left and then leave madrid, letting him be a new, nice memory.

“still thinking ’bout it?” amandas voice pulls you out of your thoughts, eyes now focusing on her.

you nod, sighing. it seems like it is the only thing left to do for you, sighing and hopelessly waiting around, though you are not sure for what exactly.

“do you like him?” she asks, filling her glass with some more wine before taking a sip.

“well, yeah. i think we’re friends.” you reply, feeling weird [like betraying yourself] when actually admitting that you think of jude as a friend.

she laughs, shaking her head, “no, no, i meant like, do you like like him?”

“no!” you tell her [yeah sure], quite offended that she would think that you would fall for someone like jude [you would].

“then why are you so sad about it?”

“don’t know, don’t wanna talk about it, please.” you lay down on the couch, looking up the ceiling.

your phone rings again, this time thrice in a row. you sigh while rolling your eyes, lazily lifting it up to look at who has been bothering you for the last few minutes.

NEW NOTIFICATION

[from; Jude Bellingham]: four new messages.

you immediately sit up, eyes wide. fuck, why is he texting you right now? you don’t have the nerve to talk to him right now [you always do].

“is it him?” amanda asks, looking up from her won phones display, smirking.

“yeah.” you mumble, unsure of what to do. you shouldn’t let him wait, should you? that’s not very nice, maybe it’s an emergency?

amanda speaks up again, “well, answer him, chica! why the hesitation?”

“don’t know.” you shrug, laying down again.

you hear amanda sigh, but she doesn’t comment on anything anymore, seemingly giving up on the situation. you take a deep breath while unlocking your phone, heart beating against your chest.

[from; Jude Bellingham]: r u home yet?

[from; Jude Bellingham]: dk what u did but mum still talks abt u

[from; Jude Bellingham]: u ok?? wya?

[from; Jude Bellingham]: txt me when ur home

putting your phone back down, you sigh, head between your hands. you don’t understand why his texts make you feel so, how should you describe it, anxious? he doesn’t do anything wrong, he is just trying to be a good friend, you should appreciate it instead of panicking.

groaning, you get up, taking your now empty glass to put it into the dishwasher in amandas kitchen.

“you leavin’?” amanda asks you, still seated on the couch, her head turned towards you.

you nod, tiredly rubbing your eyes as you walk back to kiss her cheek as a goodbye, “thank you for today.”

she smiles, her hand resting in your cheek in a comforting manner, “text me when you’re home, ‘kay?”

“‘kay.”

you put on your shoes, tell her goodbye one last tome before leaving her home, the soft breeze of the night welcoming you. it isn’t cold, you don’t have to wear a jacket, but somehow you can’t help but cross your arms as you begin to walk home. the night is still young, you hear people shouting and talking amongst themselves down the street, music accompanying their conversations.

the walk back doesn’t take long, you arrive just about fifteen minutes later as you open the door to the building, sighing as you see the stairs in front of you.

-

[to; Jude Bellingham]: just arrived home

[to; Jude Bellingham]: what can i say, moms like me :)

you lay down in your bed, night routine done and ready to sleep. you try to concentrate on your breathing, laying still on your back as a contrast to the chaos going on in your head, not letting you rest properly.

“tsk,” you try to lay on your left side, back now facing your phone on the nightstand, “stupid stuff.”

as soon as you hear your phone vibrate you immediately turn around, the brightness of your display hurting your eyes.

[from; Jude Bellingham]: cool cool

you move to type an answer, though a new message from him comes in,

[from; Jude Bellingham]: were u w dk what his name was?

rolling your eyes, you can’t help but smile at his [cu-, stupid] text.

[to; Jude Bellingham]: his name is lorenzo

[from; Jude Bellingham]: basic ass name

[to; Jude Bellingham]: no i was at amandas

[from; Jude Bellingham]: shouldn’t u be at sleep rn? grandmas should go to bed early

oh you can practically hear jude giggling at his own text, him finding joy in reminding you that you are older than him. you catch yourself stupidly smiling at his text and clear your throat, sitting up properly before texting back.

[to; Jude Bellingham]: was abt to but u texted me

[from; Jude Bellingham]: okok sry

[from; Jude Bellingham]: good night

[from; Jude Bellingham]: sweet dreams (of me)

[to; Jude Bellingham]: id rather choke

[to; Jude Bellingham]: good night :)

fuck.

———————————————————

“guys, please don’t forget to finish writing your team report for next week, ask for help if you need to, please.” you remind your students as they walk out of the room, smiling your way as they tell you goodbye.

you turn around to pack your own things, a knock on the door catching your attention.

“hola, señorita.” lorenzo greets you, smile wide and cheeks rosy, probably from the heat outside.

he walks up to you, kissing your cheek as a greeting before leaning against your desk, watching you as you continue to pack your bag.

“how can i help you, señor?” you say, happy to see your friend.

it has been a while since you last saw him, getting caught up in work and writing your thesis, and well, other people.

“are we walking home today?” he asks, tilting his head to the side, his eyes staring at yours.

“you see-“

“ah! there you are!” judes voice appears by the door, cutting you off.

you roll your eyes, trying to fight of a smile. he always greets you loudly when he picks you up to walk to the open field together, comfortable banter hovering between you two on tour walk there.

“i have a practical session afterwards, sorry.” you point towards jude, who is still standing by the door, eyes focusing on the guy next to you.

poor lorenzo, you think, he didn’t do anything wrong, yet jude always finds way to hate on him, comparing the two of them. [he somehow is always the better one]

“i see.” lorenzo looks at jude, then he turns back to you, kissing you on the cheek as a goodbye before leaving the room.

jude walks inside, rolling his eyes as he points at the direction lorenzo went, “what is his problem?”

your eyebrows pull together, “eh, nothing?”

you sling your bag on your shoulder, walking out of the room with jude following you, “think you gonna score today?”

jude laughs, scratching his cheek, “i will, if you stop directing your negativity towards me.”

offended, you look up at him, walking through the tunnel that leads to the field, “what’s that supposed to mean? i don’t even have the time to look at you.” [that’s a lie, you catch yourself following him around the field more than you’d like to admit]

“you should, though, i am very exciting to watch.” jude blinks - in his case winks - down at you, putting his bag down next to your seat.

you hum, not wanting to ket him now that he’s right, taking a seat on the bench as you pull out your writing block and pencil from your bag.

señor lagarde yells at jude from the field, telling him to get moving. jude shouts out that he is coming and gets moving, hitting your foot with his one last time as he leaves.

-

the suns heat makes you feel dizzy, and you wish that you would have taken your water bottle with you, instead of relying on the water bottles at the center. your shoes feel tight, your dress makes you want to throw yourself off a bridge and your hair isn’t looking as good as you wish it did.

“we should definitely cook together like, at least once.” jude throws in as the two of you walk past a restaurant.

you don’t register what jude says, “yeah, sure.”

“wait, really?” his voice sounds surprised at your agreement, and suddenly you feel awake, the feeling of having said something that you might regret sinking in.

“uh, wait, what did you say?”

“nah,” jude shakes his head, mischievously smiling at you, “can’t take it back now.”

“jude,” you whine, hating yourself for giving him such power, “c’mon dude, i’m tired.”

“don’t care.”

you come to a halt in front of the apartment building, getting ready to say goodbye to him, but he speaks up again, sounding too excited for your liking.

“let’s do it now, i’m ready.”

fuck, did you actually agree to sleep with him? is this why he won’t tell you?

nervously, you back off, “listen jude, i didn’t mean it, i mean yeah, you’re nice, but i really don’t want to-“

“c’mon, cooking together is actually really cool, i’m not that bad, ask mum.”

you feel relief wash over you, like a ton has been lifted up from your shoulders. suddenly, the grass looks greener, the birds chirp sweeter, the sky looks cleaner, today is such a nice day, you note, everything is just amazing-

“hello?” jude flicks your forehead, pulling you out of your daydreams as you cover your forehead with your hand, offended by his actions.

“dude!”

“let’s go, c’mon!” he tells you once more. you decide to give him, otherwise he won’t stop annoying you.

you open the door and the two of you walk up, jude tries to make you trip once, you alap the back of his head, but you safely arrive at your apartment door. opening it, you take of your shoes, you move to the kitchen while jude goes to the bathroom. looking through your fridge, you take out a few ingredients to cook some pasta with vegetables, simple but tasty.

you wait for jude to come back before you also go to the bathroom to freshen up, then you quickly get changed into something more comfortable.

“where’s your-“ jude walks into your room as you are in the middle of putting on your shirt, stopping mid sentence. “oh, fuck.” he shuts the door fast, an awkward apology leaving his mouth.

quickly putting on the shirt and taking a deep breath, you walk out the room to find jude awkwardly standing next to your door, his hands placed in front of him.

“‘m genuinely sorry, dude, like, i should have knocked.” he apologizes once more, his behavior making you smile. [because he looks stupid, not cute.]

“it’s fine, nothing to worry about.” you try to lift the mood by bumping your hips against his, winning a smile.

you walk back to the kitchen and start to give him the instructions to prepare the vegetables, yourself focusing on the sauce and the pasta.

it is like athletes getting in ‘the zone’, jude and you entirely focusing on your tasks at hand. you wanted to put on some music, but somehow the thought falls short, now the sound of you two working and moving around the kitchen filling the room. it’s nice, you don’t have the need to fill in the silence with small talk, since it doesn’t make you feel awkward. you hear jude hum the melody of a song and decide to listen to that, though it sounds rough.

“this big enough?” judes voice us soft, he moves next to you to show you the size of the tomato he cut, his body’s heat closing around you, relaxing at his closeness.

“yeah, just make sure that it doesn’t get too small.” you tell him, still stirring the sauce.

“yes, chef.” he salutes, continuing to cut up the vegetables.

everything goes on really well, the pasta looks great, the sauce tastes good and the vegetables are done. you plate the food and ask jude to take them to the table, which he does. as he comes back to put a dirty knife into the sink, you feel his big hand on the small of your back.

only when he moves back to the table you let out the breath you didn’t know you were holding, your heart threatening to jump out of your chest.

without further ado, you sit down around the table, “buen provecho.”

“you too.” jude immediately puts some of it into his mouth, groaning [literally moaning] at its taste.

though you agree with him that it tastes good, you don’t moan, but laugh at jude for shoving the food in to his mouth.

“the food won’t run away, y’know.” your teasing makes him look up from his plate, like a deer caught in the middle of the road.

“it’s so good.” his cheeks are full of food, however his sentence comes out clear.

a laugh escapes from your lips, somehow this entire situation is just funny to you. if someone would’ve told you two months ago that you would cook and eat dinner with jude bellingham during your internship, you’d pay their therapy from your own money. but now, look after you. here you are, eating some delicious pasta, the sun setting in the background and jude calling your name over and over again because you won’t listen to him. [you leaned how to ignore him]

“yes, jude?” you decide to answer him, his voice starting to irritate your ears.

“what are we gonna eat first dessert?”

“you leaving will be my dessert.” you sarcastically smile at him.

jude slumps back against his chair, exaggerated sigh leaving his mouth, “you were supposed to say ‘you’”

“tsk, you? where are you a dessert?” you can already feel your eye start to twitch, knowing that he will annoy you until you do as he says.

clapping his hands once, jude laughs, leaning forward, “people on the internet have other opinions, though.”

“great.”

you get up to clean your plate, not bothering to continue this [stupid] conversation.

jude appears next to you as you rinse your glass, plate at hand, “soo, ice cream?”

-

“don’t you miss your family?” judes side profile is highlighted by the moonshine, the many stars in his eyes now present in the deep blue sky.

though it is still warm outside, you have a thin blanket draped over your shoulders, ice cream bowl sits empty on the little table between jude and yourself.

“don’t you miss leaving me alone.” you respond, bith of you aware that you don’t actually mean it. [you do, you’re really tired and want to sleep].

“answer me, jalapeño.”

you scoff, turning your head to look at him, “that’s a stupid name.”

he turns to look at you as well, sleepy smile on his lips, “suits you, though.”

“no.”

“answer my question.”

you take a second to think, “well, yeah, i guess.”

“you guess?” judes eyes follow you as you get up to lean against the rail on the small balcony, eyes looking down at the street.

you hear him get up as well, his body now next to yours, its heat slowly coming your way. you have to fight the urge to lean against him, not wanting to cross any boundaries.

“i do, i really miss my mum and my nephew,” you begin, the thought of your two year old nephew making you smile, “but i also love it here. i think i’ll even sadder to leave madrid than i was when i left home.”

jude hums in understanding, softly bumping his body against yours, “it’s because of me, right? i’m just so amazing, i’d miss me too.”

“tsk, yeah sure.” [it’s a lie]

the sound of a car passing by fills the silence between you, and you feel judes body slowly lean against yours, staying there. you don’t bother telling him to move away [you don’t want to], your body starts to tingle, warmth spreading through it. even though the night is calm, your mind is anything but that, different scenarios passing through your mind as you try to concentrate on anything but judes body. you feel his finger touching yours, slowly moving up your arm. you feel the hair on your neck stand up, heart rate picking up and each breath like its fueling the fire inside of you. you know he feels it, too, his finger is shaking as it moves up to your back, hand now caressing your neck.

you turn to look at jude, he does the same, it feels oh so slow as you two near each other, his eyes moving from your eyes down to your lips and back up, you feel it down to your feet, the tingling now numbing all of your senses. jude leans down, your faces now centimeters apart as he closes his eyes. you tilt your head to the side, feeling his breath on your skin as you also close your eyes.

the moon slowly disappears between you two, and you move to close the gap until -

[noacfapologyst]

birthday surprise — matty healy

(the birthday party: day two)

summary: even surrounded by people he loves and people he doesn't know at his birthday party, matty feels alone. by chance or by consequence, he finds a piece of his past that it stirs absolutely everything in the depths of his soul.

warnings: mention of alcohol, approach to loneliness, flashbacks of the past. cry on your birthday (guilty). open ending (maybe?)

wordcounter: 4,8k

Birthdays are one of the things Matty has enjoyed most since he was a kid. It's not just the fact of seeing all the people he wants in one place or the gifts he receives, although obviously that's also a plus for the basis, but the most important reason boils down to another: Matty has learned to celebrate being alive, to have a day, or a year more to live.

Maybe for the same reason, one of the environments Matty is best known for could be at parties. He always gathers endless crowds inside the walls of his house, always ends up being crazy between the amount of mess he has to clean up afterwards and the mess he has to take care of while they dance drunk on the tables and sing without being able to stop.

He has never considered himself a person of few friends, but he doesn't think he has a huge amount either because he's had to leave a lot of people behind. He has the necessary ones to be good with himself and with them, his presence does not suffocate them and they know how to understand him even when he cannot control himself and impulsivity controls him. But he's calm, he always is.

Of course, he now finds himself in a situation where many people entering his house are unknown to him because they are companions of his friends, or acquaintances of them. And God, Charli gathered a crowd in here. He recognizes them because he believes he went to high school with one or two, the few years he attended before deciding to miss an exam to go to a music festival.

Entities mix because he fails to recognize among low-profile, famous or just known people who have found out. In a way, it feels a bit like a party I'd throw if I was 18 and walked out of a Santbury's with several bottles in my hand and on my head. But it is not, because he is 35 and is in the middle of going through his thirties crisis.

Although now he deduces that none of it matters to him. He's much better than fine. He has gone from having the weight of a feather to getting stronger and seeing its fruits after many months without stopping at the gym. It has healed in all senses: broken heart, mental frailty, bad habits and addictions. Or at least in most of them, because he still smokes and still drinks alcohol, but at least now he equates it with something else and knows he can control it better. It's not entirely perfect, it could never be because that's metaphorically what the human being represents: a canvas that looks beautiful, beautiful and honest until you see the poorly made brushstrokes, over and over again until a result bulges.

"Hey, come to the kitchen." George awakens him from his thought with a touch. Matty leaves the beer can half-open on a shelf in the living hallway.

Then they arrive in the kitchen amidst a tumult of people that opens up in their path. The open backyard door is a plus because it's a good place to get some cold air and realize that he's lost a lot of stability and composure after several beers and a few more shots.

Ross is leaning on the recently acquired white marble countertop, as he opens a bottle of Don Perignon and the foam splashes over the top of the bottle. With quick movements, he pulls seven glasses from the shelf, and fills them to distribute later.

"Let's toast in honor of Matty, because it's his birthday and we love him. And we are incredibly proud of him." Ross cheers, while everyone raises their glasses. Charli applauds with the palms of his hands, and everyone knows that he has lost his mind. Matty smiles as much for that last act as for what his friend has just said, it's really an honest smile and full of feeling though he may not be able to prove it now.

Everyone toast, and then Carly pulls out of her purse a digital camera to capture the moment in eternity. They take a selfie together: George, Matty, Ross, Adam, Carly, Charli, and Chloe. Then there are some spontaneous ones between the four guys, the girls and one of each of them with Matty.

"Oh, my boys. I love all of you so much. You are the best on my life, really." It's finally Matty drinking the champagne out of his glass. Feel the golden bubbling liquid falling down your throat. "Thanks for everything you've done for me throught this years, forever."

When the conversation becomes that emotional tone that always happens on birthdays, it is also the moment when the bubble of intimacy breaks and everyone leaves that state.

"Hey I'm sorry, but there's not more ice." A woman's voice sounds from the frame of the kitchen, but Matty can't recognize her even when he looks at her with a frown.

"Oh! Now I'll bring more, thank you darling." Matty answers almost automatically as if he had given up control of his head. Actually the words are leaking out of her mouth but it's nothing too worrying yet, and she hopes it stays that way. "Some of you know who is?" He receives negative responses after the restlessness and sighs sillylyly laughing. "Thanks for all, friends."

A song by the Backstreets Boys begins to ring through the speaker in the living room and resonates between all the divisions of the house. Taking advantage of the commotion and celebration about it all he leaves the kitchen and disperses. Matty searches for a bag of ice from the fridge, breaks the wrapper with scissors and takes it to the main table where he places it in the fountain designed to keep the cold.

When he crosses the center of the dance floor, many people greet him and flatter him, giving him little shouts of love or complete sobriety, and more than one even asks him to dance for a few moments.

For a moment he manages to put away the idea of how he is the only one in his group of friends who has no one, which becomes more raw when he sees too many couples kissing on his couch, also generates a bit of disgust but he doesn't want to feel like a snob. He did the same thing and doesn't know when he stopped doing it but he understands the adrenaline generated by kissing someone when you're drunk and hot in public spaces, even if it's a pretty adolescebte attitude.

He takes his beer from where he left off and goes on. They have all built long-lasting relationships or are in the process, which makes sense for the age that passes.

He's okay with that, too. Yeah, logically, he´d like to have someone to dance together right now and then sneak out to enjoy a moment alone. Intertwining his hands with someone and having someone fixed to wake up with every morning while the smell of coffee runs through the room. He wants it the same way people who don't have it do, but he thinks he needs a break now.

Her last love attempts have gone overboard, and further down. They have simply come out disastrously and reject the idea that he wants to have for love: it all ends in silly discussions about mundane and monotonous everyday things that make up a ball that explodes, then everything weakens and the routine too tiresome. He wanted to live in the madness with which he used to live love in his 20s, where there was no fear of the future and only the expectation of living in the present.

Remember that frenzy of love when he was a teenager, when it is the purest love you contemplate inside you, when the barrier of who is going to judge you and the responsibilities are inhibited and you just go drunk with love walking down the streets arriving at the door with different flowers every day. He wants to love and get it right this time, obviously, but he doesn't want the person he leaves his legacy with abruptly taking away the magic of love Matty once had.

By the same token, he takes care of letting it flow. He's not waiting for anyone and he's hoping that things will just get better. She doesn't know if her future is to love someone and make it work, but she doesn't give up hope.

"I'm going to smoke, just in case." He says, when he sees Carly near him. He knows she's the one he can trust most because she's the most sober and the least alcoholic.

"Stay safe, Matty. Hope I won't have to look for you." She approaches him and kisses him on the cheek in an act of love, something like a motherly love. Even though she's only a little older than him, since she's with Adam she considers Matty to be completely special to her, and she loves him as much as she literally loves her children.

He says goodbye to her and walks to find the back door sneaking around. He looks the place and he see that there are really not so many people huddled together in the same place as they are scattered. The courtyard is huge, after the cement floor the grass extends along perhaps half a kilometer, where in the middle there is a swimming pool, and in the width there are some palm trees that accompany it. In the background there is a gate that leads to a construction connected to the house, but for which Matty is not responsible.

He looks for a place under the palm tree, the breeze that the leaves cause as they move embraces him at dawn. It's funny to him, he sneaks away just like he did all his life at these kinds of events, punctually on his birthday. He loves people and loves being with them, but at some point he needs to isolate himself from that same environment and have air to himself.

He fiddles with the lighter between his fingers passing it from hand to hand until he decides to pull a mentholed cigarette out of the pocket of his black leather bomber.

"Matty?" A whisper of the wind reaches his ears, although he does not know where it comes from, he acknowledges that there are not so many people who call themselves that.

He hears footsteps on freshly cut grass and hears crackling under his shoes. The only light out there comes from a curtain of lights hooked to the grill, so it's pretty dark.

But then a female presence appears in front of him. He really does nothing but admire her and for once his eyes run out of the cylinder he is about to light.

The two look into each other's eyes, Matty feels his whole life is passing before his eyes and is afraid he's having a concussion, or he's having a stroke. It doesn't make sense for her to be here in front of him after all these years.

"y/n?" He dares to ask. He doesn't have anyone around to confirm his presence there so he hopes he's not too drunk to hallucinate and hopes he's really on the physical plane. "I'm sorry, it's just…wow." Her tongue catches the words as her head runs a thousand miles after seeing her nod to get out of her trance.

"Isn't it?" With every word the past moves down the earth for both him and her. Too many, too many layers of memories that were left behind many years ago now threaten to float as if they could seep through the holes in the green ground.

There is a prolonged silence for a few seconds. Actually, nobody knows what to say because everything seems like a fantasy about to be pricked with a pin and nobody wants to go beyond that.

Matty's looking at her. She has always had that carefree but wrinkled profile and he recognizes her under the black dress sleeveless dress glued to her body and the hair cut on her shoulder, with the last minute scissors marks and something uneven. She complements it with high-cane boots, something like the ones she defined as her favorites too long ago. She still has that sparkle she had when she was a teenager, she's still incredibly beautiful without asking. He looks at her surprised that she's here, grateful to see her once more. He can't stop thinking about it, but she's really radiant.

She looks at him. He has changed a lot from the superficial, his hair is now almost shaved, only with hints of hair growing on his entrances. She doen't need to inquire to know that his fitness owes it to the gym, even under his jacket she can see how well marked are his muscles compared to the little skinny teenager she met a long time ago. The expression on his face did not change, if he looks into his eyes he still finds the frightened child because he does not know if things will turn out well, but also the child waiting for his mother after school to give her a hug. She has a white T-shirt that's stuck to her body and her tattoos are transparent. She looks at him impressed.

"Hey." He breaks the silence by speaking softly but with total softness. She smiles at him without showing her teeth and Matty feels something rising up her body. "What are you doing here?"

He is lying against a palm tree, she is standing nearby but neither wants to move into the position of the other, there is some barrier that prevents it and possibly it is discomfort.

"I'm the babysitter of my sister and her friends, they are your brother's friends." She anwers by returning the tone of calm. "In fact, I found out today."

"Wait, really?" He answers, and for a moment the atmosphere seems to disappear only because he is seeing everything through it. "But Louis is not there." He shrubs his shoulders.

"Yes, I noticed that. I guess he told the others in some nonsense conversation." She analyzes how he hasn't lit a cigarette since he arrived. "Are you going to turn it on or?"

Matty feels like a fool. "Do you continue smoking?" Ask without a second thought. He just wants to know what's in her life now. "Sorry, what about my maners, do you want one?

"No, but I'll share one just for the old times." She smiles at him again, and he mentally keeps the memory of how the burgundy color highlights the cheekbones of the white skin of the woman in front of him.

"Do you want to sit?"

"I'm alloweed to?" Matty is restless under such a formal tone and considers that the passage of the years now takes its points.

"Of course." Now he's the one smiling at her. "Are you still in the same job?

She laughs slowly, refuses with her head a bit apart. "God, no. I work in a notary's office now, but I'm more comfortable." She answers, he opens his lips in surprise, a whistle escapes from her lips. "May I suggest why are you here and not inside dancing with the others?" She asks with some shyness as she approaches to sit down, without doing so facing or beside him, as at an angle of seventy-five.

"Maybe you know the answer. It hasn't changed." He answerd and when he feels that he is drowning in too much of the past, he lights the cigarette. He pauses and takes a drag.

"You still get loneliness sometimes." She reasons, he nods with a look of pity and gave her the cigarette. "I really didntt know this was your house."

"It's quite different from the old porch, it doesn't have a loft with a balcony or red tiles either, but i like it." He sighs embracing the melancholy that escapes from his bone structure. "How did you get here?

"My friend was dizzy from so many people and then I lost her because of a child." She laughs wryly. "I started walking and then I reached the palm tree, and maybe I understood the host of the party."

"¿Yes?"

"How many people do you know whose birthday is April 8th, Matty?" She stares at him with direct intent. He flies in the nebula. She remembers her birthday.

"You still remember it." He has a smile that runs through his face from end to end, he feels satisfied with the interaction, whatever it takes. She leaves the cigar in her hand and the touch makes him shake.

Matty's head is about to fall apart. He himself sees how his vision becomes twofold, one leaving him in reality under the palm tree, and the other teleporting him 22 years ago to a rather similar place.

It's autumn, the leaves of the trees turn yellow and fall to the ground. There's a breeze but it's not cool or threatening, it's friendly. Matty's eighteen now, he's of age.

On the other side of the race to see who gets to the pile of leaves first, there's her. She's dressed as simple as if she'd just gotten up, the blue skinny jeans and a black shirt with a print of some band scratched by the number of times she's washed. They're both older, but running down the alleys of New Castle looks like they're 12 still.

The muddy shoes, their coats that shelter them both, her bracelet tied to his hand, the kiss on the cheek when greeting each other, the butterflies every time they look at each other. The celebration of walking, the adrenaline of winning the race to the leaves and rolling in them.

Matty abandons everything else, leaving behind the nightmares, his parents' parties and sleepless nights when he has her. He's happy with her, he feels protected and nothing can hurt him. He loves her, with all his heart. He's eighteen, newly grown, wears glasses that slip on the tip of his nose but make him look smart. It has some protruding pimples between the cheek and forehead, but in sunlight it still looks like a baby's skin, fragile to the touch.

He doesn't know when he fell so in love with her, he doesn't know when he found the connection and when it began to appear in his innermost dreams. He couldn't stop thinking about her and all her dreams, the dress she wore on her birthday, the hug after the holidays. Every touch gives Matty years to live, and although he's been a sad kid for most of his life, he'll always be grateful that she changed that.

"You are eighteen, you can run fast." She says in a competitive tone, without slowing down.

"I will win, idiot." He's self-proclaimed.

"And if you do, what will you get? A painful coronation as king of the leaves." She jokes and throws herself headfirst on the leaves of the ground. "I told you."

But Matty was willing to win.

"I already decided my prize." Vitorea approaching the leaves, diving into them.

"You didn't wi-"

Matty doesn't think about what's going on, he just lets the impulse take him further and control him. It may be his only chance, and it may ruin it, but he have to try before he let any more time pass.

She is in shock on the leaves when she feels the lips of Matty on top of hers. She doesn't understand what's happening, or if it's really happening. The only thing she remembers afterwards is feeling Matty's hand squeezing her cheek with soft caresses. He kisses as much as he can, and after a while she gets used to the movement.

They go on like this, without saying a word for many minutes. Their sequence and their need is to kiss until the lack of breath wakes them up, smile with their noses stuck and merge again. Maty tastes like mint and chocolate, so it's the flavor she'll love the most for the next two years. Teenagers at the height of their purest love.

"Didn't I tell you? I would win." Matty comments when both feel they have shared too much saliva, but he does not take his hand off her cheek.

The wind is blowing in both heads. They have never known love this way, and they will remember it so well for the years that this love lasts, and for a few more.

Actually, and though Matty doesn't know it yet, she, sitting in Matty's house, is thinking about the same fall of memories. She feels like she's about to die and the best years and moments of her life go by, they've always had that facility of telepathic connection without having to try. Also because, for a long time, it was the memory they most enjoyed in years.

Matty then sees, in his memories, everything he's longed for for so many years. Midnight getaways, intense kissing at nightclubs, family meals, she dressed in him on Sundays, family trips, snow wars with her kisses sunk in the snow. He sees fireworks now that he remembers her, how he was first in everything for her and how she has marked him even more than he can say.

After that comes the band, and even before and after the previous names. But he focuses on when the band is already confirmed as Drive Like i Do and then like 1975, he sees her sitting at the table listening to them rehearsing, he sees heer at the clubs drinking beer and screaming crazy when he comes out in his most misaligned ensemble.

Matty may never have said it like that, but the girl he fell in love with is part of the band just like them. Almost the entire first album has its muse, in each of the stanzas and in each of the notes of the compass. She has followed him for all these years, it has been his greatest point of inspiration and of genuine and re-created love. She has given him the best years when he was twenty, he has written the songs he enjoys most thanks to her.

But equally, to say that he hasn't forgotten her or that he's remembered her like that for fifteen years without seeing her since she left in her twenties, would be lying. He remembered her for years, but then he was no longer present in her mind.

She can't judge him. Maybe she waited longer, but she had to move on anyway.

But it's okay, they existed at the time they had what. They learned enough from each other to remember each other fondly.

"You think about that autumn too, didn't? "During all this trance, the connection has become stronger. The discomfort is ignored, and she ends up sitting next to him.

"You are inside my mind, literally." He laughs with his eyes full of glass. He just had a recession that knocked him down. "Yes, I thought about it."

"That autumn was the best of my life. The fucking golden time." She confesses, with the moon now fully reflecting her. He looks at her with a longing smile, he also misses feeling so complete. "I have loved you for so many years and I think I could do it for more."

She complains hugging herself. Matty leaves the previous state and now the alcohol seems to have lost its effect. He extends his hand to put it behind the brunette girl's back and draw her in. The woman's head rests on his chest.

"I have loved you too, you know? The first album is about you." He kisses her hair, but she can't help but cry. They are breaking up with each other next to them and that's why they prefer not to be seen. It's too strong for both. "I'm sorry."

"What do you mean?" She looks up. The brown eyes meet the eyes of the british man.

"I-I screwed up that June afternoon, and I carried the blame for many years. I've never really been able to apologize, and I know the last thing you got from me was a horrible argument. I'm sorry, it won't fix something so many years later, but it's sincere." He manages to loosen a gear that has been weighing on him for a long time. He finds serenity in the brightness of the moon, and though he knows he can't go back in time, when she intertwines his hands he thinks he hasn't gone too far.

"Thank you for that. I know it's your party, but you don't have to cry to the end." She kisses his cheek and wipes his tears with her fingernails painted dark red, then returns to his neck. She repents and prefers to sit in front of him. "But it was true, wasn't it? Did you fuck everybody in this town?" She asks, without any resentment or sense of judgment.

"You compromised me, honey." He nods nervously accompanied by a laugh. In fact, he's still crying, but he's feeling much better. More airy, more connected and more peaceful. "I missed the car and the argument."

The two laugh at each other, it's an atmosphere that has now become more comfortable than ever. She has got her makeup destroyed by tears and he is s getting water marks through the seams of his shirt.

"The end of that hallway was fateful." She ironizes it with a recharged energy that dances inside. It feels as if she is now the final part of a song that breaks the melody and raises the instruments to a higher level to close it in the greatest ecstasy. "Even so, maybe you were right a few years ago. You needed more than me." She points to itself and then points to the atmosphere.

"Sorry, I don't get it." He feels bewitched by her words, but is so deep inside that he can't even think about what she's saying.

He just knows she comes, again. He sees her crawling and crawling up to his lap. He's afraid that this will still be a bad trick in his head and that tomorrow she'll never have been here. She'll be in another country, with someone else, and without him. His heart pumps like it has seldom done.

He knows they're soul mates, or he used to know, and now he's reconfirming it. Now there's only one thing that separates them and one thing that could bring them together.

"You needed a cigarette, alcohol and a sad conversation." She finally answers, as she settles down to her mercy on his lap. Matty feels like he has a fever when he feels the back of her palm on his face. It's been floating for over 15 minutes. "As i do."

After this, it just happens.

After 15 years, they're kissing in Matty's backyard. The two cry in between, because they haven't recovered from the emotional delirium they just had, but the fireworks they once had at eighteen come back the second their lips touch.

He hasn't changed, Matty still smells like chocolate and mint. She neither, she tastes the same as always does, she still tastes well enough to satiate Matty. They remain exactly the same for each other and what they still need.

The kiss does not have a taste to be described by or a unique feeling. It is the taste of remembrance and reunion, of melancholy, of adolescence, it is pure nostalgia in its splendor. It tastes like sadness, the tears of the last time they argued, and in turn it tastes as the ice cream they ate holding hands in the park, the chocolate they always gave each other as a gift. It tastes as Christmas food and the summer breeze. It's all together in one, and that's why they don't bother to feel sorry for how the waterfalls in the eyes accumulate coming down later.

A kiss, that's all. Matty doesn't want to think, but he inevitably does and finds only two options.

Tomorrow you will both remember this and you will both retire by lowering your guard and remember it as a secret. There is no one around to prove the presence and existence of the woman he has there, no one has seen her and the easiest excuse is to say that he simply confused everything with someone else because of the amount of beer. Or they could tempt fate and stay there, they could heal the wound and they could try again to have the best they ever had.

But now, does it matter?

"Hey." She puts pressure on his hair. He opens his eyes feeling fuller and more human than ever. "Happy birthday, Matty. The birthday boy always needs a gift."

let me know what you think about it. my taglist is always open. 🤍

[kesouu]

Blue Star☆｡⁠*✯ﾟ⁠+*⁠.⁠✧

(⁠☆) Narumi Gen x Oc

(｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+ CHAPTER 2 +ﾟ⁠*｡⁠)

TW: Gore...

(⁠｡⁠•̀✧) sorry got excited HEHE (it's not as long as i'd like it to be tho) ALSO IMPORTANT!!! THIS HAPPENS LIKE 2 YEARS BEFORE THE MAIN PLOT!!!

7 years ago...

"Gen!" Hoshiko runs up to her best friend and uses his shoulders to jump up "Oi cut it out!" Narumi says stabilizing himself to not let him and the girl who was way too excited for God-knows-what so early in the morning. Hoshiko calms down and walks beside him "What's got you excited so God damn early?" The boy asks and Hoshiko's smile widens"It's almost time for us to graduate!" The girl spills "No more exams! No more waking up so early! Mom and dad have been making me decide on what to do after I grad but I'm still not sure...have you thought of anything?" She glances up at the boy "Nah, I don't really have any plans too, was planning on hanging out with you 'cause I'm going to get kicked out of the orphanage soon enough after grad since im considered an adult." Narumi explains as they finally enter school grounds, changing to their indoor shoes then finally separating to go to their respective classes.

"Bye Gen! See ya' later!" Hoshiko waves at Narumi who waits at the other end of the path that leads to the girl's house as he watches her go inside. It's become routine to Narumi, go to Hoshiko's house to walk to school together, hang out at lunch with Hoshiko, walk Hoshiko home before going home himself. He knew she could walk to and from school herself seeing how skilled she is with the staff from training in Bojutsu with Kendo as her required subject in middle school but he just wanted to make sure she was alright. He's about to enter the premises of his orphanage the sirens blare.

"A kaijuu has emerged in Chiba prefecture, in the city of Sakuragi. We advise all residents in the vicinity to seek safety immediately."

He goes into a sprint back to Hoshiko's house cursing in his head that he should have listened to his gut to hang out after school at your's. On his way he's stopped by large, grasshopper-like kaijuu. He grabs the arm of a deceased kaijuu left by the defense force and uses it as a sword to fight 'All you gotta do is damage that core thing right?' he thought slicing off the head on one of the 3 kaijuu infront of him 'Two more. Let's hurry this up."

Her knees felt weak, it felt like she couldn't breath like there was a lump in her throat that just wouldn't go down, it was as if she couldn't use her voice, was this all a bad dream? Was this really happening? "Ma?...Pa?..." Streams of tears leave Hoshiko's eyes as she stares her parents. Bodies mutilated with body parts cut from their torso's. The kaijuu notice her and start to lunge toward her as she forces herself to snap out of it and peels her eyes off her now deceased parents wiping her face then she runs up the stairs to grab her wooden bō from her room as the kaijuu follow her. She jumps out the window of her room a few cutting her arms, face and legs as she fell. She lead the kaijuu to the street 'Hopefully the defense force gets to me before I get killed.'

The first of the two kaijuu go to attack her as she dodges and hits the side of the its blade making it hit the ground beside her as the second comes to slice her as well. She jumps out of the way leaving the kaijuu to slice at the other kaijuu the mentioned screeching in pain as it's stomach area bleeds from the deep cut. "Ok, got a plan now." As she runs back between the two as both kaijuu prepare to strike at her she jumps up to the height of their necks and as they slice she uses her bō to dodge by stabbing it into the eye of the kaijuu and pulling herself up. She lands on the ground as both kaijuu slice the others heads off, she takes her bō drenched in blood from the eye of the kaijuu. Her vision turns hazy as she starts to give in to the mental stress and pass out.

"Hoshi!"

"Gen!"

The two run to catch eachother in a hug, one that Hoshiko really needed, Narumi could tell by the way she had blood that wasn't her own covering her school uniform clothes and how she looked up at him with tears lining her eyes that soon enough spilled. "Mom and dad....they.." the girl couldn't even continue as tears came flowing down her eyes endlessly choking on her sobs. "Shhh...it's alright, you still have me don't worry..." Narumi says rubbing her back "Let's get out of here, I'll bring you to the shelter. I've still got something to go back for so-" The boy is cut off when Hoshiko grabs him by the collar of his school uniform

"I watched those kaijuu mutilate my parents in my damn living room, I'll be damned if you get that same fate without me getting to do anything about it."

She was frustrated, frustrated at how helpless she felt when she could only stare at her parents as it happeneds frustrated that she could have done something, frustrated that it wouldn't have become this if she could have just moved but now she will, she'll pull herself together to protect the only thing she had left "Alright then..." Narumi walks toward the carcass of one of the dceceased kaijuu then breaks off one of its legs "We'll stick this onto your bō so you can actually kill these things"

The two got seperated in a fight with multiple grasshopper kaijuu after the last one remaining had run off with Narumi running after it. Hoshiko was feeling weaker and weaker after the mental and physical stress today had on her it definitely didn't help her when it started raining sending chills throughout her body. She was about to pass out until she heard Narumi's yelling and saw a group of defense officers 'He's okay!' but the closer she got the darker her vision became until it all faded to black with a faint shout of her name from a familiar voice and loud crashing occuring.

A gasp is the first sound that escapes Hoshiko as sat up in her hospital bed startlig the boy who was laying his head on her thigh as he slept sitting in a chair. "What the hell?!" Narumi yells out due to the sudden movement from the formerly limp body only to see the girl's harsh breathing as she frantically looked around when he raises his head to which he moves to rub her back and bring her in for a hug "Hey it's okay, it's over now don't worry about it..." Narumi grabs Hoshiko's face by the cheeks and makes her look up at him as his other hand held on of her own to his chest to feel his beating heart "...I'm okay see? You're okay too, take deep breaths alright? calm down for me." he says comfortingly as he brings her in for another hug feeling her breathing steady.

The steady breathing unfortunately doesn't last as quiet sobs and tears start to come out of her. "Ma and pa are gone..." Hoshiko sobs as she clutches onto Narumi's jacket as if he were going to leave like that if she let up for even just a second, in return Narumi holds her just a little bit tighter.

"...don't leave me too, 'kay?"

"I promise."

-☆☆

[seafoamreadings]

week of september 10th, 2023

these are written predominantly for the *rising* signs but they are also intuitively "channeled" enough that they should work for any dominant energy you have! (try your sun if you don't know rising, or more advanced readers can try moon, anywhere you have a stellium, etc and see what works best for you!)

aries: in many ways the week is peaceful and calm for you, but there is definitely activity in your daily routines of one sort or another and it's up to you to make that fruitful for yourself.

taurus: you get a lot of 5th house virgoan activity all week but also some pings to your own sign. it's a romantic period! which is great news for venusians like you. while there are some heavy influences about, mostly it is a time for you to have fun and do whatever you're inspired to do - which means don't just live in obligation mode all week.

gemini: mercury direct broadly means good things for you. this week might be chaotic, but you thrive in chaos, you know its value. then as the orbit stabilizes again, your mind clears up, your mental clumsiness disappears, and broken electronics may mysteriously seem to fix themselves.

cancerians: for this new moon, to work its magic most effectively in your favor, bond with your community. siblings, cousins, neighbors. start or contribute to a community garden, lend someone a cup of sugar, things of this nature. being a helpful person attracts helpful people. you will need them some day, as you know.

leo: you're asked at this time, perhaps only implicitly, to make your home and keep your finances in good order. don't get stingy with money, but use it effectively to make a good life for yourself and the people you live with.

virgo: a new moon occurs in your sign AND mercury goes direct there this week. plus, ceres (the 'modern' ruler of virgo in my system) heads for scorpio after a fairly long stay in libra. you are put in an "older sibling" type of role, although this can also apply to coworkers, friends, or your role as a steward of nature. use the new moon to set kindly intentions.

libra: you're hit with a 12th house/2nd house combo this week. your finances are richly blessed, and your soul is putting in serious work as you grow and develop. just be aware, with the new moon in virgo, a secret may be made. keep your promises and stay in your lane, but meanwhile watch out for hidden enemies or "frenemies."

scorpio: the new moon in virgo introduces you to a new friend or helpful acquaintance. be open to interactions with strangers that surprise and delight you. meanwhile ceres into your sign makes you fertile (literally and figuratively?) and luscious, which is great for this harvest season we are in. what delicious fruits are ripe for you now in your life?

sagittarius: you may be placed in the public eye this week in a way which you would prefer not to be. fortunately venus picking up speed helps you navigate gracefully. things that seem like blunders can be corrected, just keep a cool head and move forward as unflustered as you can.

capricorn: it's supportive earth vibe all week and no one appreciates support like earth signs such as yourself. you have prepared, you are ready, as soon as you note mercury direct it's time for you to move forward too. don't expect to go fast, but so expect to go with great strength.

aquarius: there are some signs this week that your financial situation improves by way of other people - an inheritance, a loan, etc. the downside is debt problems and perhaps tax troubles are also indicated. avoid anything shady.

pisces: upheaval in relationships is the name of your game all week. but don't be too discouraged, you know you like things to be interesting; at least you aren't bored. not all upheaval is bad, anyway.

[anywaymurder]

Mosquito Monday

Chapter 58

With big dire-stirges attached to Annori and Kevin, Ara wastes no time and runs one straight through. He knows these creatures well from back in the swamp — this is just another proverbial ‘mosquito monday’ to him, and he flexes his ranger skills. Annori tries burning the specimen that’s attached itself to Kevin, while also feeding him a potion to keep him on his feet. The dire-stirge drinks its fill of Kevins blood and then tries to leave, but gets skewered in the air by both Raiden and Ara. The swarm of smaller stirges that’s been attacking Bree/Godobald chooses the tasty newcomers over their torch-swinging opponent and heads in the group’s direction. It isn’t long before there’s critters all over them, draining them of their blood at an alarming rate. Kevin has the ingenious idea to summon an illusion of fire in hopes of scaring away the swarm, and Raiden expands the illusion to make it seem scarier. While this does make the stirges’ attacks more erratic, their thirst is still stronger than their fear. Soon the ongoing assault of the tenacious creatures causes both Raiden and Kevin to lose consciousness, with several stirges still attached to their bodies. Ara and Annori exchange a panicked glance — there’s not much time, do they revive their fallen friends or fight off the threat? In a split second, they opt for the latter, and Ara takes out a huge chunk of the swarm with some well-placed spear swipes. Annori meanwhile summons a flaming blade and, despite the unfamiliar weight of this new weapon, unleashes her fiery fury on the remaining creatures until they are all dead or gone. They rush to see to their friends. With the help of some healing magic and medical insight (Ara crits on stabbing stabilizing Raiden), both are soon brought back to consciousness. Annori wraps Raiden and Kevin in a big tight hug. ‘Don’t scare me like that again!’

Meanwhile, Ara approaches the exhausted halfling that’s slumped against the wall on the other side of the room. Bree/Godobald: ‘Who are you?’ Ara: ‘Right now, your savior, so you’d best stay calm if you know what’s good for you.’ ‘What do you want?’ they ask. ‘Nothing from you,’ replies Ara, ‘except maybe your body. Wait, not like that.’ It quickly becomes clear that the person talking to them is indeed Godobald, the ghost of the ancient soldier, and not Bree the student. He asks Ara if he’s with Praxemar - he thought the swamp elves were neutral? Kevin joins in to offer some much needed reassurance to the confused quartermaster. ‘We’re here to help,’ he emphasizes. ‘Do you remember what happened?’ Godobald remembers an attack on their camp, and then waking up in a room and going to find his family. But the city had somehow changed. And this body is much less suitable for fighting off stirges than the one he’s used to. He thinks he may have died? Kevin gently confirms this and explains that the body he now possesses belongs to someone else — someone who wanted to summon him to simply talk to him, but instead got taken over when something went wrong. They wonder if there may be unfinished business that this soul needs to attend to, but Annori realizes that that’s not what brought him here. Their best shot at setting things right is bringing him back to Marcius to try and reverse the summoning. Thankfully, Godobald agrees, and they scrape themselves together for a painful, exhausted walk back to the city proper. 

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[louisesloveletters]

Letter #3: Write your own breakthroughs.

“And the LORD answered me: ‘Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. For still, the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.’” -Habakkuk 2:2-3 ESV

I was amazed by Ms. Vange Uy-Cuaki’s story and how her book, Write Your Own Miracles, came to life. Personally, I also believe in the power of writing to God. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been writing journals and diaries. Being an introvert, I always write my thoughts and feelings in a notebook. And when I became an adult, I started writing letters to God.

“You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows.” -Job 22:27 NIV

I write everything to Him. It’s like I’m talking to my best friend, whom I know would never spill my secrets or judge me. It’s actually calming and refreshing. I even write my bucket list and pray about it. And you know what? Upon reading those bucket lists, I was surprised that most of them happened already.

“Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” -Mark 11:24 NIV

If you’re like me, waiting for your breakthrough; whether it is healing, stability, healthy relationships, the one you will spend the rest of your life with, freedom from addiction, forgiveness, etc. You can try writing to God about it and pray to Him. He is just waiting for your letter. He will not leave you on ‘seen,’ ghost you, or spread malice about you. Because He loves and cares for you.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

I don’t know what kind of heartbreak you are dealing with, but I know that you are going to overcome this. God didn’t put you this far just to leave you. You have a bright future ahead of you because the author of your story is a loving God. May you always remember that, my friend.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” -James 1:17 NIV

P.S. God loves you.

P.P.S. Believe that you have already received what you prayed for. He will give them to you. :)

[kipperson]

Check in PT 3

How far had he let himself get like this? Whenever his emotions poured out he wanted to drink. That in itself made Leon angry. He hated that every single time he felt awkward, or stressed, he craved a drink. He was drowning in his own emotions rather than drinks, and it made him anxious. “Leon ... .are you doing okay?” Thorn whispered to the man clinging to him “y-yea…sorry ... .I'm calming down.” lie. He knew it was a damn lie. “Do you uh..need anything else? Would you like to talk about it?” Thorn tried his best to be a good friend here, but did not want to overstep. Leon froze a bit, he did want to open up to the scientist, his scientist, but not now….not here. “Not now ... .can we schedule a day i can uh…..talk to you?” Leon asked quietly into Thorns shoulder “yes. Text me and I will make time for you.” God, just the simple phrase ‘i’ll make time for you’ made Leon's heart implode “thank you, Thorn” he whispered, his tone was tired, but there was a hint of affection there. “No prob” Thorn ruffled Leon's hair, causing the man to swat at his hands and slightly pout “you're ruining my wonderful hair cut.” Leon grumbled, though he didn't care. “Uh huh- your Karen cut?” Thorn snickered “H-Hey!....What the hell?! don't call it that!” Leon was now fully sulking.Thorn ran his hands through Leon's hair to tame the mess he made “you plan on getting a haircut soon?” he asked, switching the topic. “Yeah. Need to. The length is getting in the way of work” Leon nodded and bent down for the scientist to keep playing with his hair.”How do you do it, Thorn? Keep your hair so long, that is.” He asked quietly “I personally just put my hair up when working. Though at the length you have that might not work- its at that awkward in between length” The scientist said softly, matching Leon's tone. “Maybe I should invest in some hair extensions, hm?” Leon snickered “that would certainly be a sight- be careful though, you might get the men in the office to confuse you with a girl from behind” Thorn chuckled. “I don’t have the title of ‘Best Ass in The DSO’ for nothin” Leon flaunted himself and laughed “I doubt anyone has said that, Scottie-boy.” The scientist deadpanned before laughing as well. Leon and Thorn laughed together, Leons arm gripping the scientist's shoulder to stabilize himself. After a moment they both wiped their tears and straightened up “I’ll schedule that haircut” Leon got back on topic. “Sounds like a plan” Thorn stepped closer and began fixing Leon's tie “I swear you act like a mother the more and more I see you” Leon patted the shorter mans head “someones gotta straighten you up” Thorn chuckled and fixed his tie before backing up. “What are you? My work husband?” Leon snickered, that comment caused Thorn to flush a bit “w-what? Can’t a guy just look out for his friend?” He stammered out “uh huh- bringing me lunches and checking in on me is just you being a ‘good friend’” Leon smirked and stepped closer to the scientist “yea!...yea- you know me, always being a great friend” Thorn put a shaky thumbs up and looked at the clock “I really gotta get going- can’t stay too long. Text me if you need me, Leon- bye bye!” Thorn quickly left the room. Leaving Leon. “tsk- cute” He smiled to himself and leaned against the bookshelf while staring at the door.

[azurewishing]

Poseidon's Deal

Another vhenshun fic, this time about it, hyddryd and escaping.

---

Vhenshun can’t sleep today. The memory of finally seeing the sky loops in its head over and over again. That sliver of happiness, cruelly taken away. That sliver of hope, slipping out of its claws.

All it wants to do is take a nap, but it can’t. A caged bird unable to rest…

‘I want to spread my wings’, it thinks. ‘I wish I had some, so I can fly out of here.’

A bird without wings is no bird at all. So what is it, then? A set piece? A trinket?

What is it?

(What am I…)

“Seems like you’re having some trouble.”

A mysterious voice suddenly echoes around the room. An unfamiliar one, a sonorous one.

“Wha… who’s there?!” Vhenshun asked, taken by surprise.

But there is no one.

“Ah, you can’t see me, can ya? Uuu, I keep forgetting. Hold on…”

The physics of its room shifts. Something impossible is turning into a possible form the best they can. When they settle, they take on a form of… something vaguely aquatic. It’s hard to tell because of them glitching and fading in and out of reality. Most striking was their two bright purple eyes.

“How’s this? Can you see me now, Vhenshun?” The entity asked.

“I mean, I guess I can... Wait- how do you know my name?”

“I know everything about you and your friends. If I’m being honest, I sympathize with you all. Being trapped in a cage with no way out… I understand it all too well.”

“Do you now…?” The mech quad asked, half suspiciously.

“Of course I do!” The entity squeaked, leaning in forward. “I’ve been trapped in my own head for who knows how many millennia!!”

“Geez, calm down."

“Wha- hey! Uuu… fine.”

The entity pouted and stood in silence. After a while, the mech quad spoke up again.

“So, what are you, and why are you here? How did you get here, actually?”

“Oh, right! Where are my manners. I’m Hyddryd, the colossal of the water element and adventure. I was able to come here by suuuper secret methods, and I came in the first place to set you free!!”

Vhenshun, who usually was eager to hear chances at freedom, wasn’t excited. “Why does it matter? All that’ll happen is me getting sent back home…”

“Yes, that is a possibility,” the colossal said, putting their hand(?) to their chin(?). “But what if I tell you that I’ll protect you so you won’t be sent back?”

“And how will you do that?”

“Zarroë is concerned that your unstable soul will tear holes in reality. If that’s the case, then all I have to do is make you stable!”

Stability, huh… Is that the only reason why it’s kept here?

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Gh- Stop reading my mind!!”

Hyddryd pouted again. “Uu, it’s hard not to though…

“A-Anyway, I can make you stable, but at a cost!”

“And what is this cost?” The mech quad asked, tilting its head.

“You see… I maaay have to rework your soul a bit in order to help you. After all, it’s what makes you unstable. All I need to do is patch it up, though your mannerisms may change. Are you alright with that?”

Vhenshun thought deeply. Its soul, huh…

What will happen if something bad happened during the process? Lots of things could happen. It could lose its memories, it could become even more unstable, it could die…

“Worried, are you?” Hyddryd noticed the concern on the mech quad’s face. “Don’t worry. I’ve patched up a soul many a time before! I have experience working with ethereals especially! So nothing’ll go wrong.”

The colossal took some steps forward and bent down, petting Vhenshun’s head.

“And besides… I know your desire runs deep. Are you seriously gonna let this chance slip by your claws?”

They whispered with a soft, caring voice. They care so much.

They care so much about Vhenshun, way more than its creator ever did.

They care. They care…

Desire. Dream. Wish.

‘I want to leave.’

“I’ll take your deal. I don’t care what happens to me in the process. I want to leave this hellhole of a workshop- I have to…!” Vhenshun declared, tearing up at the end.

Hyddryd knew it’ll go like this. Maybe they didn’t need to whisper after all, but it’s always a good idea to be cautious.

The colossal flashed a smile. “Hehe! Aaallrighty- oh! Want me to rework your friends too? They’d be sooo lonely without you! And as a bonus, I can make Whaill a follower of you~!”

“Yeah, do that. I want them to explore outside too.”

A deal has been made.

(I can’t believe it. I’m finally escaping!)

All the quad has to do is shake hands with Hyddryd.

(But why do I feel like I’m sinking in an ocean?)

It hesitates.

(Why do I feel scared…?)

“Don’t be scared now. This is a once in a lifetime deal, y’know~?” Hyddryd whispers yet again.

(I’m scared. I’m so scared. So why is my body…?)

They shake hands.

The room is flooded.

And Vhenshun is never seen again.

[eddiemunsonsdrug]

The Missing Link Part 2 | Steve Harrington

Summary: Steve knew Hawkins would drag him back one day or another, but coming back because Dustin was missing was almost something out of a nightmare.

warnings: A few curse words and smoking of the devils lettuce

A/N: I hope you enjoy part two, please like and repost if you like this as it keeps me going. Also let me know if you would like to be tagged in future parts. (I can totally picture Eddie living close to Wayne when he gets older, just wants to be close to his father figure)

Words: 2323

--------------------

Steves steps were heavy as he climbed the stairwell up to Robins place, he had told her to pick the place with the elevator but, she wanted the cheaper option, and he thinks she enjoys the mild work out. But currently Steve would give anything for an easy ride to her 9th floor apartment.

He felt close to falling asleep or passing out when he finally got to her door and gave two exhausted heavy knocks on the cheap plywood. The door narrowly missed his slumped over body as it swung open quicker than he had expected, though he knew Robin was most likely sitting close to her door at the kitchen table.

“You’re late.” Robin began her usual time management lecture but was interrupted by Steve collapsing in her arms. Her shock lasted a quick second before she securely wrapped her arms around Steve and held him tightly against her. Though Steve weighed significantly more than her, the adrenaline of seeing her best friend so broken and weak kept them both up. She could feel his tears begin to soak into her shoulder, through her shirt.

“Hey, hey. Its okay.” She squeezed her grip to reassure him. “I’m here.” She whispered. “I missed you.” Steve sobbed into her, he was trying his best to regain stability, he hated appearing weak, he hated being weak. He was supposed to be the strong one, but Robins arms stayed around him.

“I missed you too.”  

---------------------------------------------------------

You had napped after you had gotten back to your own place and Steve had left. But after waking up and seeing the darkness of the night flooding your apartment you knew you didn’t want to be there; you didn’t want to be alone.

After chewing your thumb for a while, debating on reaching out to Robin to see if Steve had gotten there okay, you convinced yourself you were simply being paranoid. Its not like this was his first time at her place, he had visited before. Though you only found out he had been there after he had already left back for college and Robin had let it slip.

But you still couldn’t help sitting and wondering what could have been going through Steves mind earlier in the day. You finally calmed yourself down and wanted nothing more than to get out of your apartment.

You called the one person you knew would answer, would be happy to see you at anytime of day. “Well, hey there little bird.” Eddies voice rumbled through the phone; it sounded like you woke him up. “Were you sleeping? You were probably sleeping.” You rambled as you looked at the nearest clock, it was nearing 1 in the morning. “Hey, hey, woah. I’m never too asleep to answer your calls, you know that.” He reassured as you took in a deep breath to calm your racing heart and the guilt rising in your gut. “Eddie, go back to sleep. I’m fine.” You attempted to convince him. You knew how rare it was for Eddie to get a full night’s rest. The months after Vecna had been hard on everyone, but the lasting effects were mostly on Eddie. Well, Eddie and Steve. They were the ones left with the scars; they were the ones that were reminded of everything they had been through just from a simple glance at a mirror.

“Do you want to come over?” As each moment passed, the more awake he sounded, the more you felt awful for waking him in the first place. “You don’t need to do that Eds.” A scoff came from the other side. “Get your ass over here already.” You could hear him getting out of bed and shuffling around. “I’ll see you in a bit.” He said before abruptly hanging up, ending your ability to fight him more on this.

You stayed seated for a few more minutes, you couldn’t shake the nerves built in your stomach, you needed to decide if you were going to let anyone else know that Steve was in town, that you had seen him with your own two eyes, that you had touched and held him and that he looked like a ghost.

You exited your place and hopped on your bike, wondering why you didn’t choose to ride it to the police site earlier that day. But a bit happy you hadn’t, or you may not have gotten a ride from Steve.

The spring air cooled the sweat you had inevitably caused during your overthinking, and the wind in your hair began to relax you. You felt like you could fall asleep again just from a short bike ride.

Pulling up to Eddies trailer you could see his silhouette in his kitchen window.

After everything with Vecna was finished the government replaced Waynes old trailer with a slightly newer one and offered Eddie a place of his own, it could have been anywhere. He could have moved to a new country and changed his name. He had a chance at a new life, he wouldn’t have had to work much in his life, he would have been set.

But instead he had a simple request, he wanted a trailer of his own  next to Waynes.

He worked as a mechanic in the day and still played shows at night with Corroded Coffin. Though fame and fortune was no longer what he wanted in life after Vecna, he still loved music and playing with his friends.

It warmed your heart that he had stayed in Hawkins, that he had stayed humble and modest, that he still lived right by Wayne.

Climbing up the wooden steps you reached the door and knocked lightly, still scared to be here, and bothering him. He appeared in a flash, the door swinging open and his smiling face beaming towards you. He looked exhausted, his hair was a knotted mess, and his eyes were rather blood shot. “Y/N.” He mused . “Eddie.” You said back attempting to plaster a smile to your face. “Come in and tell me what’s wrong.” He pushed open the screen door to allow you to enter.

As you stepped into his place you shook your head. “Nothings wrong, did I ever say something was wrong?” The screen door slammed when he released his hand from it. “No you did not, but you, madam, have a tell.”

“A tell?”

“A tell.” He gestured towards your body. “You just kind of-” He slumped forward, his arms hanging loosely in front of him. “Deflate.” You snorted at his actions. “I do not.” You poked at his kidney to get him to flinch. “You do, its your tell.” He mocked as he straightened upwards and entered his kitchen area.

He leaned backwards from the cabinets and wiggled a joint between his fingers along with wiggling his eyebrows. You chuckled. “I don’t know if I should, my brains already so foggy.” Eddie moved over to you resting on the back of his couch and dramatically dropped onto it upside down. “Come on, you know it would help me sleep.” You rolled your eyes, still deep within you felt that guilt yet again.

“Okay, but you can’t use that excuse again for a week.” You looked over your shoulder and down towards him, he crossed his fingers against his chest before rolling the rest of the way off the couch and onto the floor before bounding back up.

“Lets hit the roof.” You could use the fresh air once again.

As the two of you made your way outside you followed behind him, watching him climb up the ladder he had perched onto his trailer. It was something he had done to his new place almost immediately after getting it. Once the trailer was secure and steady, he placed an older looking ladder against the side and placed two cement blocks against the bottom. It had become an instant new hang out place for the gang. Whether anyone wanted to get some sun, smoke, or have a safe place for intense conversations.

After reaching the top and joining Eddie sitting on the roof, you watched as he lit and took the first hit from the joint. Though he had quit dealing, no one thinks Eddie will ever go without pot.

He passed the joint towards you and laid down against the cool metal before exhaling. You took a few smaller hits; you didn’t want to be falling asleep at Eddies like normal. You wanted to get up tomorrow to see if you could find Steve once more. “So, are you ever going to tell me?” You sighed and passed the joint back into Eddies hands, laying next to him and watched as he took some puffs. “Well, I mean Dustin’s still missing.” Eddie exhaled and the two of you watched the smoke float into the sky before disappearing completely. “I know that little bird.” Plucking the joint once more you took a bigger hit, hoping the weed would give you some form of comfort.

“But you’re carrying something else with you.” He stated, you held your breath for a second too long and coughed out the smoke. Eddie couldn’t help but grin in your direction. “ Eddie.” You began as you cleared your throat and took in a few breaths to cool the raging fire now burning your chest. “Listen, if you’re not comfortable telling me now, just know I’m always here for when you are ready” he said, the timber in his voice rumbled through the roof and down your back. “Thanks.” You replied meekly.

The joint was nearly finished as you both stared up into the stars and moonlight of the night sky.

“God, I wish I knew where that kid was.” Eddie muttered. “Yeah.” You breathed. “Me too.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steves vision was hazy as he began to wake up, he didn’t remember falling asleep but, here he was on top of Robins bed with his muscles aching every time he took a breath. He looked around the small open concept apartment, Robin was in the kitchen portion stirring gently into a pot. “Hey.” Steve creaked out, his throat and mouth were both dry. He coughed and cleared his throat as he forced his sore body to sit up right. “Hey.” Robin said back as she moved to her cupboard and grabbed a glass, quickly filling it with water and walking over to Steve.

He brushed his hair back out of his face. “How long was I asleep for?” He questioned as he grasped the glass and took three giant gulps from it. “About two hours.” Robin answered looking behind her to her stove clock. “You feeling better?” She asked as she went back into the kitchen to watch the pot on the element. “Not really.” Steve said truthfully, his brain was thumping in his skull and his whole body felt like stone, plus everything else that was running through his mind wasn’t exactly going to be fixed with a small nap.

“What are you cooking?” He finished the glass of water and moved to sit at the kitchen table, pulling out a seat and watching Robin as she chuckled. “Instant noodles, hope you’re hungry for some gourmet cooking.” She continued to laugh as she added in the soup mix. Steves stomach inadvertently began to grumble. “Honestly, that sounds like the best right now.” He smirked. He exited his seat and headed to the cabinets. “Where are your bowls?” He asked whilst digging through every shelf. “Oh, yeah, I just eat this out of mugs.” Steve rolled his eyes. “You have no bowls but, you have mugs?” Robin turned the stove off and placed a hand on her hip. “Don’t judge me, I couldn’t find any I liked.” Steve pulled out the biggest mugs he could find and set them on the counter. “Pour the soup Buckley.”

They sat back at the table and forked at their noodles and sipped at the broth for a bit. “So.” Robin began, Steve looked up from his mug and raised an eyebrow. “So?” He asked back. “Are you going to ever tell me what happened today? Or am I going to have to beat it out of you, Dingus.”

Steve went back to staring down his mug of noodles. “Oh, long day.” He shrugged, avoiding the exhausting subject. “I uh- saw Y/N.” Robins eyes bulged with shock. “Don’t tell me she was at the scene?” Robins voice had a panic in it that Steve was surprised to hear. “Yeah, she was. How did you know that?” Robin’s eyes softened as she pushed the food from her. “She’d been doing that since Dustin disappeared. Its like she has a police scanner, she always finds where they are that day. She’s been warned to stay away, Hopper usually drives her home.” Steves heart sank in his chest from this news, you had been on this since the day after Dustin disappeared and were willing to get in trouble to find him. And yet Steve felt exhausted from one swim in a pond.

“God, I had no idea.” Guilt ran through his blood. “She was so distraught today.” Robin nodded. “She’s been like that every day; she tends to run out of energy from how much she stresses.” Steves mind flashed with the memory of you today. “Yeah, she looked exhausted and ready to give up.” Steves shoulders slumped as he fiddled with his fork. “She’s like a sister to the kid.” Robin nodded lightly, she loves the kids but, Y/N always had a way with Dustin and his need for answers.

“Fuck Steve, what if its-“

Steve cut her off with the slam of his fist onto the vinyl table.

“Its not, he’s dead, okay? Repeat it. Vecna is dead.” He stared harshly into her eyes.

Robin stared back in a moment of shock before closing her eyes and taking a breath.

“Vecna is dead.” She repeated.