#its the first thing ive written in years so i hope its not too bad

[astral-prue]

Training Session

This is a little 400~ word drabble inspired by that ol’ episode where Cole and Phoebe are training to prepare for the Source and she's not 100% in it.

Very steamy LOL & Cole is v dominant in this

Kink warning - male dom, teasing, choking, implied orgasm denial, maybe a bit of degradation(?), name calling,

Is this what you wanted? What you basically begged for as you decided to disregard our training?

———

“Tell me how happy you are with my cock inside you, sweet girl.”

Phoebe couldn’t summon her own voice to response in such an elated state but her pussy to squeezed around his cock as the words left Cole's lips. “Fucking tell me” he demanded in a growl. He loved being inside her just as much as she loved it. Every time he felt her move back against him to take it deeper, every time her breath choked up in her throat, every time her thighs shook so much that she couldn’t hold her beautiful ass up. Nothing compares to how she felt.

Phoebe’s body tinged with ecstasy and she had to try harder than she would like to admit to utter a word while Cole stroked every inch of her walls. She panted almost adorably as she began to comply with Cole’s command.

“Cole please… I - I’m so happy baby. Thank you for fucking me.”

“So polite when I give you what you desire” he leaned forward, chest pressed against her arched back. She didn't notice when his left hand changed from gripping her hip to cupping her throat and applying deliciously dangerous pressure. He straightened back up, keeping Phoebe against him still, all while stroking the same deep and slow pace, driving her mad with desire. She shook her ass on his length as much as her position would allow in an attempt to control the pace but Cole wasn't being that generous.

“We’re going to take it slow babygirl. Just slow enough for me to enjoy every square inch of your sexy body while you enjoy how much I fill you up.' He follows his statement with small kisses peppering her right shoulder, down her arm, and back up before nuzzling her cheek. “Don’t wanna spoil you too much and let you cum when you want to.” His devious chuckle resounds in her ear and she shudders. This was all she wanted; time with Cole to be intimate and love struck and ravenous for each other.

He adjusts his hand to turn her chin toward him for a kiss, savoring the taste of her mouth and touch of her tongue against his. "So perfect, Phoebe." He said it so quietly she isn't sure it was meant for her to hear.

"Now lay down flat on your stomach and let me fuck you just the way you love it."

[burn-before-reading]

Fanpages

Joost klein x goth! plus sized! reader

It was only inevitable your relationship would become public. unfortunately, not all attention is good.

wordcount: 700ish

warnings: fatphobia, cyberbullying, google translate Dutch

a/n: First request ive gotten, thanks! haven’t written for a plus sized reader before but i really wanted to take a stab at it so i hope i did it justice at least a lil. Also most of the time i try to write gn readers but this one ima be leaning more fem. hope you enjoyyy (Im so bad at titling things you guys)

RPF BELOW. Dont read if not comfortable with that k thnks :)

it was unlike you to go on such a deep dive into the comments of some random fanpage for your boyfriend, but it was only inevitable regardless the recent events. After Eurovision, Joost’s popularity just seemed to have skyrocketed and with that your guy’s relationship became a lot more public.

Fans figured out you two were dating quite quickly. Piecing together screenshots and matching posts, but it wasn’t until some fans took a picture of the two of you kissing at a bar last night that your socials truly went haywire. Most fans were supportive, you had seen a cute fan edit of the two of you already, but of course with every few lovely comments, there were always gonna be jealous fans.

- can’t believe hes dating this fat bitch

- i know right?! she looks so tacky and weird compared to the rest of his friends

similar comments kept popping out at you, all under the slide of fan paparazzi photos with the caption: JOOST GIRLFRIEND CONFIRMED?!

You didn’t even wanna look at your dms at the moment. fans taking it upon themselves to tell you you weren’t good enough for him, like you hadn’t already been together for years. You knew you shouldn’t let the comments of strangers get to you, but it brought up all the insecurities you’ve had about your relationship in the past.

your little media spiral had led you to where you were now, hiding in your bedroom, under the covers, away from the world. You were too busy doom scrolling on your phone and blasting Bauhaus to hear the knock and jingling of keys from Joost entering your apartment.

He had gotten the news probably even before you did that morning, his mentions filled with the same few screenshots and reactions that he learned to ignore. He had stopped by the store to pick up a bouquet of flowers and coffee and pastries from your favorite cafe you two frequent. He followed the sound of the music to your bedroom to find the lump of blankets on your bed that was you.

"oh Schatje..." you heard him call out. Your head popped out from under the covers to reveal to him your tear stained face. Eyes red, you did your best to put on a smile for him.

"Hi love, Im guessing you saw the news.." you sniffle and glance at his full hands. "You really didn't have to come by today, I'm okay I promise."

"je gezicht zegt iets anders, liefje" (your face says something different, love) He set down the flowers and small feast on your dresser and crawls onto the bed next to you. You sit up in your blanket cocoon and lean on his shoulder, Joost wrapping in arm around you and pressing a kiss to your forehead. "What did they say?"

"people are assholes." you mumble. "Its nothing I wasn't expecting.. just wasn't how I thought this week was going to go.."

"I know and im sorry. I saw some of the bad comments already, you know I love everything about you right?" he pulls out his phone and opens tiktok to show you a post he had saved. It was another edit, this one of pictures of joost in his lowlands performace with his mime face paint and you that same day with your matching trad goth makeup. The caption included the hashtag # couplegoals and it made you smile. "See, not everything is bad, they love you Schatje, I love you."

"okay okay, can we just stay in today? and tomorrow, and maybe the whole week..."

"Today for sure, why do you think im in sweatpants?" he gestures to his cozy attire. "Now share the blankets, your place is always so cold."

you open the blanket to wrap around the two of you and Joost repositions you so your legs are resting over his in his lap so he can be all the more closer to you. You look up at him and his right hand cups your face, wiping away and remaining tears, before leaning in and kissing you. You lean closer and move your lips with his as you feel him grab your side to move you more onto his lap. you break the kiss, faces still inches from each other.

“The coffee is gonna grow cold.” he just smiles and murmurs against your lips.

“fuck de koffie”

[em0-alpaca]

after like over half a year or smth i finally finished him

meet Dante, the master of light!!! [srry for the bad english, i dont think ive ever written lore for any of my ocs lol]

HIS LORE IS STILL A WIP SO SOME THINGS MIGHT NOT WORK WITH CANON!! [i might miss some details, but thats because i dont wanna write too much]

plus in my au, Wu met Morro when the Elemental Alliance was created already and before Acronix and Krux betrayed them. [if.. thats not already canon lol, i dont keep up with when anything happened]

_____________________________________________

THE PAST:

[12-16 y.o.]

- He was one of the most determined and challenging teenagers, training hard.

- Dante has been the youngest member of the Elemental Alliance, making him the main interest as every single elemental master trained him. [his parents went to a journey, leaving him with Wu ans Garmadon at the monastery and they never came back. no one knows what happened to them, although, that didnt effected him much as he was often left with Wu.]

- when Dante was 16 years old, Morro was taken in under the blonde man wings. At first he didnt like it, but after some time he grew warmer to the jet-black haired boy, taking him for a younger brother and training with him. He mightve gotten more protective over him.

- Dante, too, believed that Morro was the green ninja after Wu talked about it, encouraging him and and lifting his hopes up subconsiously. the rest of the story is obvious.. this was one of the moments that really affected him.

- as he watched the EA fall apart, he craved for more power to fight against evil and find his little brother. he was told his whole life that he should never take his power for granted as its one of the strongest elements, especially with him being exposed to the main source of light very often. Dante, on the other hand, couldnt really deal with others leaving.

HIS ABILITIES:

- can bend and materialize light into weapons [his weapon of choice were mostly his light blades, but anything dual wielded was fine for him].

- he could move at the speed of light, often did it to attack his enemies from suprise [not a stealthy ability as he leaves glowing bright lights behind him when using it].

- can flashbang others by either throwing a small light ball at their eyes or snapping his fingers.

- as hes pretty strong during sunny days, at night and on cloudy days he usually uses weapons from Wu. [that doesnt mean he cant use his elemental power, but during his youth his power wasnt so strong with absence of the sun. it only changed what weapons he uses though]

[18- 27y.o.?]

- one night after sneaking out to clear his mind, a strange figure approached him. it was a tall one, hidden under the black cloak. everyone knew who Dante was, so with no beating around the bush, the mysterious man gave him an offer in joining him. green haired boy declined his offer immediately, but after what he heard he was shocked.. the mysterious man told him that he would help him find his so-called younger brother.

- after making him believe he can erase the evil from all of the ninjago he joined the cult. They burned the mark on his face to officialy take him as their member, making him their leader. the longer he stayed with them, the more corrupted and brainwashed he was, turning him into their weapon. they formed a plan, making an elemental burst and trying to erase "the evil".

- one day, he started his journey to look for Morro, going for days and days into every part of Ninjago, only to find his cold body in the Cave of Despair. he grieved him for a good few hours before finding a field to bury him and let him rest in peace.

- his desire for ubspeakable strenght grew bigger, forcing him into trying to create artificial element of light and mixing it with his own. this, unfortunalety, worked horribly with his mental state and making him more of a villain. when he attacked the city once, Wu was devastated and tried to help him. this lead them to have a fight with Wu desparately trying to convince him and change his mind. Wu after that meeting tried to talk with other elemental masters to stop Dante.

- when the city got under Dantes control after the cult betrayed him and he fought with the new-built Elemental Alliance, he used the Elemental burst. unfortunately, his light element mixed with the artificial one made him fail to destroy anything other the city. this, made him half-blind and left him scarred on his limbs, losing his power.

- after that he finally snapped out of his sinister desires and managed to ran away unnoticed from the city somewhere far away.

PRESENT [WIP]:

[30↑]

- he lives far far away from the town and anyone else in a small cottage house out of shame.

- if necessary, he comes out of the house in disguise to buy some food. hes had various jobs already, but his bad eyesight [no glasses helped with his vision] he couldnt work in too many for too long.

- his elemental power was slowly recovering, but due to the fact that it was corrupted and mixed with the artificial one, it was infecting his body, making it age slower and weakening him over time.

- after so many years he started recieving money in his mail.. perhaps from someone with a kind heart?

- he tries to stay away from anyone with elements and people who couldve been a part of a terror he caused, especially away from Wu.

_____________________________________________

ive been thinking of making another oc [his child] so for now im not planning on adding too much!!

im not really sure what to add to him in present Dante, but im up for any ideas. :) also i was too lazy to draw more doodles lol!

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[kaeyapilled]

What are some fics that you think are must reads for kaeya fans?

TEEHEE okay i think i have rec'd most of these before when i was asked for fic recs some time ago but its ok. here are the most kaeya fics ever in my opinion !

clouds in a lake by VelleRue

“Pot of butter,” Kaeya mumbles beneath his breath, eyes roving over the words. Alone, the words wouldn’t be very special. The shapes and sounds don’t scare him as much anymore, not like they did when he was new and wore shoes with torn soles and only knew how to say, My father told me he was going to buy grape juice.

Together though, they sound like the orange-yellow light of the oil lamp flickering in the corner. They sound like sticky fingers and bread rolls. Like a dinner table of three.

Cake and a pot of butter.

this one is so bittersweet and melancholic and i love all the headcanons in it and the way it's written oughhh it's a great read!! short but really good

stubborn roots by alexithymias

Kaeya’s plan to end his life is interrupted when Rosaria asks him to take care of a plant for a few days.

this one is heavier so definitely pay attention to the tags but, oh my god. this rewired my brain SO violently. i adore the concept and the characterization is really on point. it is so painful in all the good ways i like stories to be painful. i really recommend it!!

I'm gonna miss your love when it's gone by imaginarypasta

A selection of scenes from Kaeya's childhood related to his relationships with his fathers, and all they have led him to be.

im pretty sure ive rec'd this before but this is like, one of my favorite portrayals of kaeya and his bio father ever. its just so good. so delightfully sad. a breath of fresh air from the common headcanon that his father was an evil asshole. the kaeya & crepus bits are also really good and i like the author's hcs about khaenri'ah/the abyss SO much

not bad for a walk on death's doorstep by b_attery

Fear is a knife’s edge. Fear is a killer. Fear is how you know you’re still alive. Kaeya Alberich, not yet Ragnvindr, knew how to fear before he knew how to talk. As the heir to the regency of a dead kingdom, a spy-in-training to be sent to the surface world, as the last hope of Khaenri’ah – there were many things to fear. And later, as the Cavalry Captain of Mondstadt and a traitor no matter what he chose, Kaeya Alberich ex-Ragnvindr knew that as long as he lived, he would be afraid.

i have definitely rec'd this one before. but i just really love it!!! my comment on the bookmark says "literally the best kaeya character study i have ever read" and yeah that still holds up. shaped a lot of my kaeya hcs. i love this author

Hundred-Watt Light by pepperjuice

The first time the thought occurs to Kaeya he is eleven years old. Well, that’s not exactly true. It had been twisting in the back of his head for a long time, already. Formless and unspoken, an ever-present awareness, a whisper. But the first time it rings in his head, put in words, bright and shiny and just behind his eyes—

He is eleven. *** A story about ten years of contingency plans and holding your own hand. (Because how else are you supposed to live with a weight too big to hold all alone?)

OH I MUST HAVE REC'D THIS LIKE THREE TIMES BUT THIS IS REALLY A MUST READ. first of all heed the tags because it touches quite heavy topics! but this entire concept is SO interesting to be explored in kaeya's character and this author does it SO well..... this is one of my favorite fics, like, ever, lmao. absolute kaeya must read To Me

Lamellae by scripturient

A slowish movement in a discordant key, wherein Kaeya has bitten off rather more than he can chew and needs significant help; meanwhile, malady exposes buried memory and dread. A limited plot from a limited point of view which dabbles in themes of pain, trust, angst, conflict, and betrayal. Not quite a character study.

the writing style in this one is SO cool, i love it! non-linear narratives are my thing, i never get tired of it. and the whump in this is so good.. i like whump fanfiction, lol. the combination of characters in this is really fun as well, though everything is told from kaeya's very disoriented point of view. anyway, amazing exploration of his character!! the next work in this series, The thaw that comes in springtime (plus the next next work!), is also really good and i loved it, particularly the ragbros bit lol. another must read!

undertow / oversight by MercuryPoisoning

In which Kaeya gets by with a little help from his friends.

another one i feel ive rec'd before, but i love it. really good characterization!! especially his relationship with diluc!!! really good read. i love this author's stuff a lot lol. (bonus by the same author, and another one i consider a must-read even though it's still in progress and also way heavier than most of the previous recs: sleeping marble lion! i really like the writing style and the concept!!! pay attention to the tags but trust me it's a delightfully gut wrenching one<3)

whew. i think i have a few more i could have added here. i just went through my bookmarks lol i have read a decent amount of kaeya fanfiction. hope these are to your liking!!! fic rec'ing is one of my favorite activities

[antiv3nom]

Bedman (Romeo)

omg havent had an excuse to talk abt bedman in a hot minute thank u anon...

favorite thing about them:

i love the tragedy of his story arc... that feels like a weird thing to say but its the first thing that came to mind! just. look. the road to hell paved with good intentions bit taken to the extreme really works here!!! the idea that he remembered the name of every person he ever killed because he was under the impression he could bring them all back, only to have the rug pulled from under him? hurts me! in the best way!!!

other than that i do enjoy his design, both romeo himself and the bed :] i wanna give my bedman cosplay another try sometime for sure, it didnt work out for various reasons but i have most of the components and would enjoy cosplaying him fr in the future

least favorite thing about them:

i think i dont really dislike anything about the way bedman is written in the source material strongly enough to point it out here? i think my main gripe is the way the fandom treats him to either extreme, like theres "bedman did nothing wrong ever" people and "bedman is horrific" people and i wish both camps would chill out and recognize hes like. a complex character? but i do think most people do this already which i can appreciate

favorite line:

im a little obsessed w his win line against may in xrd

"I do not understand humans who are motivated by love. A person is born, lives for a number of years, and interacts with up to eight billion people. What proof is there of something they can't even define?"

bc like. buddy. you dont even realize it. YOURE driven by love. all this shit wasnt just for yourself but it was for delilah too!!! fuck!!! you dont even see it as love you see it as necessary because shes that important to you!!! and dont even get me STARTED on the bed in strive and how its still running because of his last minute code additions which almost act as the last part of his will to protect delilah. GAHHHH

brOTP:

BEDMAN AND AXL INTERACTIONS. PLEASE. PLEASE. their dynamic is so interesting as characters with such fascinating ways of interacting with the world...gah. GAH. and no one fucking talks about it!!!

OTP:

sinbed. must i wlabo.

ok but i will, im not as into them as i was like a year ago but i still do really enjoy their dynamic. sin being such a beacon of hope and being so willing to see people as good contrasted with a post-xrd living bedman (bc all my sinbed stuff exists within au but im having fun out here so sue me) seeing himself as inherently evil due to his actions despite his intentions and believing no one would ever care for him? it hits for me

nOTP:

i dont know of anything off the top of my head that ive seen for him??? nothing prevalent at least.

actually on second thought i think ive seen like one instance of bedman and ram in a romantic sense, and that im not a fan of but i guess i could see the appeal, just not my thing

random headcanon:

this motherfucker would have gotten heated in some internet forums or wiki talk pages, DEDICATED to accuracy out here and he WILL fight you about it

unpopular opinion:

not entirely certain i have one? i think the "bedman while flawed is not actually a terrible person and was doing his best given his extremely fucked up circumstances" is a pretty cool take by this point for most people

i think the only thing i have is that my interpretation of bedman has always been as like a young adult rather than a kid but like i dont really have a concrete opinion on that and i totally understand people who do see him as a kid like its entirely understandable to do so

song i associate with them:

other than his character themes, its GOTTA be dramaturgy by eve, which just. it gives the vibes. read the english lyrics it will make sense i prommy

favorite image of them:

THE EEPER...

OTHER than this one its more an animation but his 6p in xrd is so silly i love it so bad...and for a more serious option his instant kill is really cool

[silentoathprincess]

i love dmmd but i have seen you reblog about other nitro chiral games, how would you rate them? like which game do you like the most and so on, I've only played dmmd and i love it but seeing your posts makes me want to play those too!! love your blog

thank you anon thats so nice!!! ill try to keep this shortish bc otherwise i WILL infodump forever. and ill try not to spoil anything

dmmd is definitely my favorite! it is kind of an outlier compared to the other n+c games tho. it has a lot more comedic moments and the bright cyberpunk aesthetic is pretty different than the usual nitty gritty nitro chiral vibes. if you havent played reconnect you totally should! it adds so much to the characters (msg me if you cant find a copy online) and im forever trying to get my hands on the mizuki recode route lmao

togainu no chi and slow damage are about even for me. slow damage is the most recent one and might have the best story that n+c has ever written. its the only one without any supernatural elements but i think it makes up for it with compelling plot. its VERY dark but i think that makes getting to the end and figuring out all the mystery of the game v exciting. i DO wish the routes felt more...equal? like theres very clearly a true route and its very clearly the best of the bunch lmao. also give me an ikuina route pls hes sooo unwell <3

tnc is the first n+c game and its showing its age a little (i kinda love the early 2000s emo vibes tho). i think the premise for it is really intriguing! theres some killer world building and really fantastic bad ends (if you're into that sort of thing). the character personalities dont quite hit the same levels of intrigue as dmmd for me but theres not a single one i dislike. theres an extra character in the re-release tnc true blood too but ive never been able to get a copy

i'll be so honest, i did not like sweet pool at ALL when i first played it. theres some fantastic fanart out there thats actually swayed me back around to liking it more but like. i didnt know what i was getting into and i definitely should have read a summary first. i thought the thing about youji shitting meat was a running joke. i was not prepared for it to be like baby meat fetuses and cult omegaverse stuff. i like omegaverse but i wish i had been more prepared. its a low tier game for me tbh

i havent finished lamento yet! it took me years to get it working lmaooo im still in the common route. right now i'd probably put it between tnc/slow damage and sweet pool. its definitely better than sweet pool but its not hitting tnc/slow damage levels for me yet. i like the catboys tho catboys catboys catboys

per usual with n+c games id recommend checking out a warnings guide first just to be safe but let me know if you play any of them or which ones you like! i hope this helped!

[reductionisms]

okay hi. how are you! you mightve noticed me liking and reblogging millions of your gintama posts. to which i say... teehee gomen? ;^__^ just wanted yo say i love the way your analysis and also the gintama math posts?!!!??!!! not saying im getting everything because im not (<- studied math for 3 years but not in english so i dont understand some of it) but yeah its was a nice approach. and im saving them to read later again when its not 2am

now for the ASK: have you thought about making a pinned post of all your analysis/the gintama math series? i would love to have them in one place

and the second ask: i noticed you and another blog (joleetwo i think?)(im planning on stalking all their gintama posts too. when it's not 2am) talking about gintoki = shouyo. would you explain it a bit? or if you already have, can you send the link?

THANK YOU!!!

hi!

tyyy, you flatter me too much... tbf even though i study math im pretty bad at it so i dont get everything either& half of what i write is abuse of notation lol

as for mathematics posting, unfortunately ive been sick on and off for the last 3 months and also very busy, so i didnt get to continue the tama series (im hoping to add it eventually, but right now its just the first installment). my other misc gintamaposting, including math posting (everything is math posting to me even if it isnt), is under “goose tag” in my archive if youd like to check it out. there’s also this compendium* i made of things i think are gintama math posting from other gintama mathematicians i love and admire. (*from early 24 so not updated since then- so not comprehensive)

as for shouyou=gintoki, i havent written on this specifically since it’s just something i carry with me always… in the first, in 519-20 when takasugi sees shouyou in his eye, in the next panel he sees gintoki in that exact position. to me, the first time i watched that, it just sort of clicked.

philosophically, gintama has this theme of what makes someone human. i feel like humanity here must be given to you by someone else (you have to be Named by them)— and it sort of aligns with the passing of promises (4devas, coan flashback)— that is, the passing of someone’s will. jirocho promises otose’s husband to protect kabukicho, which is otose’s husband’s will, and then gintoki promises jirocho to do the same, etc. similarly, gintoki upholds shouyou’s promise to protect their friends— which i am inclined to think is at least partially constitutive of shouyou’s person. that is, shouyou strove against utsuro to love and protect humans, which is what differentiated him from utsuro and eventually made him human (through gintoki, who makes him human). so gintoki receives shouyou’s promise, which is shouyou’s self (“a samurai is one who disciplines their weaker self”—follows this promise—self tied to promise), and on the cliff he acts it out. ie, by participating in shouyou’s will gintoki becomes shouyou. as do many people in gintama. and none at all. anyways unfortunately im sick and low energy so this is a bad explanation but hopefully that makes sense? Im sure joelle has written on this as well, as a heads up id just check with him to make sure he’s okay with spam notifs before going through his blog.

ty for the mathematics love since i love mathematics posting, & have a wonderful day!

[cenviswasteland]

okay from best to worst top three! klapollo krisnix wrightworth go!! with explanations duh - 💾

oh guess what i just found in the bottom of my drafts. sorry floppy disk you asked me this in march and now its almost june. my bad pestie

anyway i would LOVE to. im gonna cut the post here because it ended up getting pretty damn long and i wanna save the mobile users some pain

[[[hey welcome back thanks for clicking a button]]]

a little preface first: i don't think any of them are the "worst". im a multiship freak and i think all three of these are best and worst in their own way. id love more info on what you MEAN by "best to worst" because that's so very vague. do you mean in terms of relationship dynamic? do you mean in terms of personal perception? do you mean how much i like them?? since i have no idea what exactly youre asking me here, im just gonna shove a whole bunch of headcanons in your face and hope for the best. xoxo follow me

3rd place - Wrightworth / Narumitsu

the iconic, original gangster, blah blah blah. forever cute. theyre just kind of a little bland to me. like i feel as tho we've explored basically everything there is to explore in wrightworth with the exception of the seven year gap? eh maybe thats a terrible take who knows. theyre still lovely tho i love the seemingly constant stream of gayass lawyers on my feed. everybody loves narumitsu!

2nd place - Klapollo

i really don't have much to say about klapollo either. theyre cute as hell and they definitely have a lot more to ponder on (considering that the only game we really get klavier in is AA4 [no DD doesnt count klavs ass got fucking Visited and he was written so poorly thats NOT my klavier gavin]). and generally speaking im an AA4 fiend its my favorite game in the entire series and so im biased. also, another pretty constant stream of gay lawyer content. shout out to hyundere who made like constant beautiful klapollo content until the One Piece happened lol [im a one piece enjoyer too dont come for me this is not criticism]

1st place - Krisnix

my GOD krisnix. theres a lot of things that go into me enjoying krisnix, but the biggest one is the fact that they have the fucking wackiest, least defined relationship in all of AA4. (also, another AA4 exclusive lol). with the 7yg in play, theres so much room to play around. and most of krisnix really exists in their questions and the vagueness of their relationship. theres like a billion things to ask. how does this relationship develop? how did they meet? what were they like for seven years? what led up to phoenix suspecting kristoph in, yknow, the Everything that happened in AA4? what kind of relationship did they even have? were they "friends" that just happened to pull each other into their gravity? were they holding hands and cuddling every night? were they practically strangers until one of them needed to "blow off steam"?

and not to mention these people are both private/secretive as HELL (phoenix is probably the cagiest man ive ever seen ever. and kristoph, aside from being a man with a fucking army of skeletons in his closet, gets an unfortunately small amount of screentime in the game and not a lot of time to get into the meat of his character/backstory [see: black psyche-locks]). that adds another layer. they certainly dont talk about each other. so how did... All Of This happen?

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. and in general i like my ships a little more "toxic". and i mean. if you know ANYTHING about AA4, krisnix is pretty mutually toxic. i could totally make another post tearing into the inner guts of their dynamic and relationship-- hell, i could probably make FIVE.

moral of the story: krisnix forever. poggies.

anyway yeah i hope this uh. answered all your questions? how the hell do you end a tumblr post

[pinkcannibal]

Haii queen lesbean!! It's me from ao3. Hope you're doing well<3

Can we down-bad lesbeans pls appreciate for a hot damn minute how much quality your writing has?

I've stopped counting how much i've re-read your fic but holy shit, it's the 130,000 words worth it every, fucking, time (Reader gets eaten out now as i write)

Just wanted to tell you that your fic inspired me to start getting better at drawing(and turned me gay all of a sudden) a year ago when i first found it, i was so down bad at that moment(still am)

And it inspired me to do the Spotify playlist, that thing is my heart and my soul beside your fic

BTW A SMALL REQUEST:

Can we get a chapter where reader is dom? I kinda feel like mommy wants to get off too after she denied it herself in truth serum... just me sayin' :D

(I'd enjoy reading that very very much *blushes*)

Love you!!<3

omg this is so fucking insane!!!! knowing you got back into art and discovered those things abt yourself from my fic is literally amazing to hear :'))) and ur art!!! that is SO good, i love the shading and lines and dialogue <33 theres definitely going to be moments of reader being more forward and dominant per say when it comes to marilyn, just in a v specific way! not completely dom if that makes sense, as thats how ive written the fic, but its definitely been noted down :')) thank you so much for this message!! hope ur well !

[carmenpeach]

sucks how long finishing my midwest sonic comic has taken since i was hopeful to get it done at the beginning of the year but sometimes things just dont go as planned. but ive been starting to get back into drawing and i do often think about how the next/ last chapter will go. i think one thing is that its been written in a way where something is gonna happen that i personally dont really want it to, so ive been stuck between "heres what i want these characters to do" vs "heres whats reasonably going to happen between these characters with the way its been laid out" vague on purpose for "spoiler" purposes but you know how it is. and a while ago i started outlining another sonic comic i wanna make but im not sure if i want to make such a serious story with them. ive taken a lot of detailed notes, but i think the idea is too big for what these characters can provide. i wanna make a story thats about shadow developing schizophrenia, moreso as a reflection on my experience growing up schizophrenic and the way it just increased over time. and i think i can reasonably depict episodes and delusions etc

"unreality" talk below i guess

but when i play with shadow as being schizophrenic i dont usually touch upon the like... i dont have a word for it, but the like "evil being dimension" is a concept i dont directly acknowledge to others. so ive realized i will never be able to get across the feeling of the psychosis related to that without making it a major factor of the story, and it feels too dangerous to be too upfront with it. i have some ocs that exist in a world where that is "real" and over the years whenever i tried working on it i would end up sending myself into an episode since its acknowledging it and that makes them aware of me aware of them and its just very risky. i can talk about it more now but... something feels wrong bringing it up so casually now, disrespectful in a way.

to say it like that i cant find the words. to talk about it as if its "fake" or with the idea of "its not real its just cause im insane" is so disingenuous. of "its real but its not but its real to me but not to others but its real cause i am aware of it and that makes me special in a way that is bad, but it cant get others without this special knowledge but its like a divine gift in a bad way, but its real but its not but it is but" etc etc but ive been almost enjoying talking more upfront about this concept, since i feel safer now. "but is being safe a good thing? why am i suddenly safe now? will it come back, will i feel it? just because that connection was taken, who has control?" god this is such a long winding thought that i think i could only articulate through a thick novel length of text. the way i am a different person without it, but i am still me, but "me" has always been just a fraction of myself, i am/ was more than one being, but what parts of those were myself and what parts were something else has become blurred etc. as if i was showed some horrible truth and then i am left with just the memory that slowly burns a hole in my brain and my heart. what im saying is that its a more complex thought then what im willing to do with shadow, since i never saw his schizophrenia as encompassing that idea, but more "surface level" in delusions/ hallucinations etc. so i still want to make a deeper comic story with him but it wont be able to touch upon that concept. i have some drafts drawn up of scenes and there just feels something bizarre in recreating episodes ive had but with him, since there are certain personal details that need to be taken out and that sort of takes away very important details to what makes the delusion/ hallucination so terrifying. i have a lot of thoughts on this that im not really sure how to articulate.

i think because maybe psychosis and this "dimension" concept are just too difficult to describe to others that dont understand it first hand. and i would like to be able to showcase this to others in a way that makes sense, which is unfortunately a challenge i dont think i can do properly. its not enough to just describe it, it has to be understood. i dont wanna give up on this endeavor, but i dont think shadow is the vessel that can do this, but it can be a start. i think i could do it better with my ocs i mentioned earlier, but the fantastical aspect of that story unfortunately hinders it to an extent. complex thoughts

[nocturnal-phantoms-fandoms]

Fic Writer Questions

Tagged by @squintclover - thank you so much!! Loved your response!!

🍓 How did you get into writing fanfiction?

By loving the story so much I wanted to be in it, lol. My first few attempts at writing ff were with self-insert OCs, but that was in my native language and mostly unpublished. Im trying to recycle some of those ideas, but Im not sure how will it go.

As for fics written in english and without OCs - like everyone else, by reading other fics.

🍇How many fandoms have you written in?

If we count the first few attempts - I took a look at my docs and counted 7 fandoms. Some parts of those were published somewhere on the web but I genuinely forgot about their existence.

If we count fics published recently on tumblr/ao3 - only HP.

🍈 How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

Technically? A decade. But idk if that counts if it wasnt published and probably never will be and had self insert OCs.

I started writing my first fics in english after I got into that one fandom which was during the pandemic, so that would be around 3-4 years - but posting since… December 2023.

🍎 Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Definitely read.

🍌 What is one way you've improved as a writer?

Im not making the characters as OOC as before? I hope

🍑 Do you have any bad habits as a writer?

Trying to fit too many things into one project that do not fit bc they are too self indulgent or just bad writing bc require sacrificing either plot or characterization. Being too ambitious, having too much plot that needs too much effort to make it make sense, and will not pay off bc nobody will read it (bc idk if i will ever finish it. and if i do it will not be written in english).

🍍 What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Just one? There are so many weird things Ive been researching or googling.

Did they have 3-in-1 shampoos in 1979. Language of flowers. What the ancient roman beds looked like. Names and their meanings. Ancient roman’s attitude towards (homo)sexuality. Phosphorus and phosphorescence (this was literally to check if this one sentence in canon is factually correct). Did ancient romans have pets. Different gems’ looks, usage and meanings. Ancient Roman dog names. Different astronomical events / discoveries in years 1975-1980 and in year 1957. Layout of certain types of houses.

��What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Any comment is a nice comment <3 tho I like to be let known the person felt something while reading bc its still so abstract and bizzare for me that it happens 😅

🍐What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

As you can see from the research question I have an ancient roman au wip. I was genuinely surprised there were only a few ancient roman aus in the marauders fandom.

This one published wip is about a surprise pregnancy that isnt immediately regarded as great news and celebrated (which i think isnt a common way of approaching the topic.) I also wanted to write sth about abortion and miscarriage but i dont know if I will get around to actually writing those.

And Im trying to recycle my old OC-focused long fic which also is deeply unpopular (i understand why but also i feel like im fighting in the trenches)

🥭What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

Thats about something. Has a deeper meaning and everyone in the comments talk about how deeply they were moved by it. Or how clever the plot was. Or how the deeply and insightfully the characters are analysed. Or how beautiful the language is. Or. Like. Is written and finished and publishable.

🍏What is the easiest type?

All I know is funny dialogue, self indulgent fluff and this one type of hurt/comfort that is also super self indulgent. Also putting all the effort into fitting in as many references / easter eggs as you can that i know nobody will notice.

🍑Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

On my laptop, usually sitting at my desk, or on the balcony if the weather permits, whenever I feel like ignoring the things im supposed to be doing instead, I guess.

So far I’ve been using google docs but I’ll be probably moving on from them in the nearest future. For organizing ideas/wips and short fics I use Notion - its good for organizing but not that good as a writing program.

🍋What is something you've been too nervous/ intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

Smut, lol. Also more taboo topics like abortion and miscarriage mentioned above.

🍇What made you choose your username?

I translated my first ever username to English. ok, no, my first ever username was Leila Moonlight and i still think its pretty but now i also think its cringe. Tho I was - what? - 11? 12? So maybe I can be forgiven that it looks like a HP character. Nocturnal Phantom - the username actually use now - is still a bit cringe, I picked it bc I was a night owl (lol) and tried to lean into this nighttime-spooky aesthetic, but also its tumblr so im embracing it. I recently picked a nickname Nyx for my mutuals' convenience - and that is the greek goddess of the night. I commit to the bit.

No pressure tagging: @polaroidcats, @hiddenmoonbeam, @soloorganaas

[alienaiver]

A Christmas Surprise

Suna Rintarou x gn!reader

warnings: none! fluff! minor christmas theme but thats almost a side theme. there's a minor mention of domestic violence but it's nothing delved into.

wordcount: 1.6k

content: fluff, christmas, gender neutral reader, post-timeskip, poc!friendly reader, married couple, not beta'd or proofread

notes: if the formatting is weird its bcos ive written this entire thing on my phone!! (never again sksksk) i made it while doing christmas stuff so if it's a little incoherent, thats why! i hope you all have a lovely holiday and that this brings a smile if they're few and hard to come by these days <3333 i will come back and reformat this after the holidays if needed!

part of my "domestic life with suna" series! here's part 1 and 2! (it can be read seperately)

”I thought you were supposed to be a big shot, Rin.” you bend your back awkwardly to properly get into the farthest back of the family-friendly stationcar his aunt owns. There are two extra seats in the back and you’ve been charged to keep an eye on your husband by those since he's mischievous to a fault during these car rides. It’s the holidays and every year the entire Suna family gathers in the mountains by an old cabin your husband’s uncle owns.

”What does that have to do with anything?” he answers dryly as he bends his knees to follow you into the car. You try to straighten your back but end up hitting your head on the roof. Alright, crouched sitting it is then. You put on your seatbelt as you reply, ”what’s the point of a rich athlete husband if he doesn’t provide a limo for his family?”

His aunt laughs then, loud and deep from her stomach as she settles on the passenger seat next to her own husband. In front of you, her two young sons settles with bags and suitcases and most importantly, they told you, the snacks for the drive.

”Aw, come on, don’t be like that.” his face is already buried in his phone but there’s a mock-pout adorning his features. In front, his uncle looks back at you with a glint in his eye, ”if there’s no limo next year, Rintaro, I’m assuming you’re a bad player.”

He looks up immediately, taking the bait and making you suppress a giggle. He really does turn quite childish in his family’s grasp.

They argue back and forth as the kids in the middle gets settled with their gadgets. The aunt yells several times to quiet them but to no avail. It’s not until after an hour that the only thing heard in the car is the tap-tap-tapping of a nephew’s Nintendo Switch and the rumble of the motor.

Being married to Suna has been a journey for you. You’ve bought a house, bought the furniture and appliances to go in said house, two cats and a few months back Suna started talking about investing in a car. The adult life you’d never envisioned yourself having is suddenly blasted in your face at every turn.

It's terrifying. But so, so exhilarating and freeing.

You’ve met most of Suna’s family before, having been high school sweethearts but this is the first time you’re going to join the annual Christmas holiday trip and the nerves are getting to you.

It’ll be fine, right?

“Does Rintaro ever hit you?”

Before you can even react or gasp at the question coming from his nephew, Tanjiro, his mother yells his name so loud that the uncle swerves from the shock. Good thing you’re out where no one else is driving right now.

“Please don’t mind him, his manners are a bit wriggly,” she scowls at her son and Suna just huffs out a laugh at the question but doesn’t further react.

“What? Rintaro hits me all the time and ma’, you say it’s because he loves me!”

Suna reaches an arm up to hit his nephew lightly on the head, “you got that just right, buddy.”

It seems the air in the car immediately lightens at Tanjiro’s reasoning for asking the question and you heave out a sigh of relief before Suna continues talking, “but don’t worry, I hit them too, especially if they do something dumb.”

“Hey!” you punch his forearm with mock offense and reprimand him. “You better behave back there!” his uncle yells from the driver’s seat, “I don’t want to crash before we get to the party with the main guests!” you laugh with the aunt and pet Suna’s arm.

Wait.

Main guests?

Out of the corner of your eye you notice Suna stiffen, his eyes glued to the phone but it’s stuck on the home screen. Your eyebrow arches as you send him a look you know will make him break. A sweat breaks on his temple and you poke him, “what are you not telling me?”

Everyone in the car is silent and you hear someone suck in their teeth. Suna sighs and puts his phone face down on his thigh, “it was supposed to be a surprise but… they’ve prepared a small celebration for us, as well. Seeing as we got married during lockdown.”

You gasp and his uncle laughs, “you prepared a small celebration, we were simply pawns in your plot.”

“ay yea thanks Uncle, we don’t need to spoil more, yeah?”

He makes a zipping motion on his lips and turns his focus back to driving, although a warm smile never really leaves his face. You stare with wide eyes at your husband, who’s never really enjoyed being the center of attention – to him, lockdown was a perfectly good excuse to celebrate a small wedding with just the two of you. So you have a hard time wrapping your head around the fact that he has planned anything.

With your staring, a small, victorious smile appears on his lips – he’s proud he kept this secret as long as to this point. There’s been a lot of worrying about who was going to spoil his little plan.

His eyes stays on his phone, scrolling TikTok but his other hand quests slowly towards you, wrapping his fingers with yours, enjoying the way he can feel your wedding band on his skin.

He leans into you and whispers gently, “merry Christmas baby."

You laugh and kiss the top of his head, “and to you too, you little trickster. I love you.” You hear him scoff but he doesn’t pull away from you.

As soon as the car is parked and his nephews are out, you struggle to crawl out faster than Suna, who’s blocking your path to get out first. Outside, his nephews are booing him and cheering on you – mostly because you gave them your share of the candy on the ride and Suna ate his (and stole from theirs).

You immediately stretch your arms above your head and feel a satisfying pop. Suna brings his arms around your waist as your arms come down, “are you ready?” he whispers as he sneaks in a kiss to the shell of your ear.

“How can I be? Dumbass.”

He chuckles before he retracts himself, asking if he needs to help carry stuff in. You vaguely register that they ask you to just head inside but that Suna insists on waiting for them.

“Do you love Rin?” the youngest, Moya, looks up at you with big, questioning eyes. You bend down on your knees to face him properly, “mhm. More than anything. Can you keep a secret?”

His eyes lights up like a Christmas tree’s candles and he nods, a big toothy smile appearing. You lean in to whisper into his ear, “I even love him more than I love chocolate.”

His eyes widens and he stares at you in shock. You have to hold back a chuckle. “But chocolate’s your favorite candy!”

You nod with a smile that matches his. “Whatcha doin’?” Suna asks as he approaches and you hurry to put a finger to your lips, signaling to Moya that this is a very big secret. His gaze hardens and he nods before running to his mom. You get back on your feet with a sing-a-song voice, “nothing at all!”

Suna laughs and wraps his arms around your waist, “let’s go inside. We’re the last to arrive.”

“Oh, we’re fashionably late now are we?”

He chuckles and squeezes your waist, “what? Of course we are. I had to get my hair right.”

Inside, there’s chain lights at almost all the walls. All of his family are gathered in the main room, cheering as you enter. There’s a cake in the middle of the room. It’s not a traditional wedding cake, but you can easily see it’s your favorite cake sized up to fit the size of the entire family. There’s a table to the side filled with presents, both wrapped in Christmas paper but also in white and silver wrappings. You can’t help but laugh in amazement and hide your face behind your hands, flustered to the core at the attention.

“Merry Christmas!” they yell in unison and you begin to greet and hug each other, starting from the left. There’s quite a few congratulations thrown in there even if they’ve all FaceTimed and seen each other quite a few times since the wedding.

It’s well past midnight and you’re currently cuddled up to Suna on the couch, blankets wrapped tightly around you as you share a cup of cocoa. Suna insisted he didn’t want cocoa but now that you were tempting him with the cup, he had to steal some from you.

You’re laughing at the whipped cream on his nose when he starts moving around, trying to get something from his pocket. He reveals a small, wrapped package. The paper is bent and there’s holes in there and no ribbon. You figure he didn’t want to bother with that. “It’s for you.” He whispers, looking almost shy.

He takes the cup of cocoa so you can unwrap it and you laugh, “who would’ve thought? I thought it was for someone else in the room.” you refer to the empty room around you.

He hits you lightly and scoffs at you, muttering a curse at you.

As you unwrap it, it reveals a small piece of jewelry. A black ring, coated with a golden line in the middle. You look up at him and he smiles proudly, “you talked about a wedding band in black to match some of your outfits,”-he brings up his hand to show you his ring-“I made them take some gold from my ring to put on that one.”

You hide your face in his neck and he almost drops the cup of cocoa with the force, “I love you so much, Rin. So, so much.”

He mirrors your movement from the car ride and kisses the top of your head, pulling you tightly into him. “Merry Christmas my love.”

[onmonotonyandotherailments]

How do you deal with the voice in your head? (justified guilt and the like)

This is a question to the dear reader, and for personal research only, also happy pride to those who celebrate it

I don't really know what to do about life anymore, And it sounds so lame to start my first ever post like this, but i've seen all the "It girls" having a diary of some sorts to keep up with their thoughts and to reflect ont hteir daily life. I am not some It girl myself, If there's some list of requirements one must follow, i don't think i quite qualify, and using an aesthetic as a role to follow is probably not the best course of actin when you realize you are struggling.

That's also a big step for me, what's "struggling"? I've used it pretty liberally throughout my life but i don't know what it really encompasses, can i even call it a struggle? When bits just the consequence of my own actions? All struggles are consequences after all, but if the only way to find a faulty party is to look at my reflection i would rather not do it at all.

That's also something i've found about me recently, i don't like blaming people, or i say i do, because i hope they wont point fingers later, when they find out the fault was mine all along.

I keep on going on tangents latey, Back to the point, my life. Ironic sentence i think, Life being the point of discussion when i find life pointless. Not in a suicidal way, but in an avoidment of responsibilities and consequences kinda way. And its not like i havent thought about it, but when youre still living with your parents and your sibling, killing yourself is so much of a hassle for others, more than a big step for myself. So like so many of my attitudes i chose to put it on the list to do in about twenty to ten years or when im living alone.

Its a hopeful list honestly, aside from the /killing myself maybe/. Because as far as im made aware most of these feelings may just leave when i find my own freedom to actually do what i want.

The bad part is, and this is why i needed to do this blog too i think, that i could do most of these things if i just grab hold of the reign of my life and just "Got IT together" as many self motivation posts have pointed out already. The IT its aludding to may be related to these It girls ive written about previously.

Just joking of course, i just need to start studying more, and actually studying and get some part time job, something online even. Its not even that my degree is uninteresting to me, but when its your third time taking a class (and take the third as liberal as you can) and you still have no idea where anything is coming from, you kind of exhaust all other "faults". Its not my teachers as ive had many, its not my current environment, ive done both virtual and on campus classes, the basis ive had were enough for my peers who have already advanced into their actual careers so its me, its my fault.

And fault is so slimy and easy to ignore when its yours, and thats whats sweet about escapism, is that its soo easy and sweet, it fills the brain with that quick and easy dopamine. Love it! But working on your goals and marks on your life? ughhhhhhhhh such a lame-o way on life. Soooo

ive started this blog, mostly to hold myself "accountable" (blegh) and to aestheticize and romanticize life. But im sooo a total shut in, so i have to, in return, start to take care of myself for that outward appeal that they loove to share online. The basis of aesthetics, if you will.

Hopefully this and the deleting all other social media kinda works on favor of this. Hope i didnt come off as a total snob and more like a girl failure. we set the low very low so our highs(returning my overdue books to the library) look like actual progress.

Adding a pretty picture from when we visited our family on the province just to prove im not a Total shut in.

Lots of love, Celine

[questionablepastries]

large vent

tw: suicidal ideation

I need to type this out for my own sanity. But also the entire purpose is on the off chance that someone reads this and, in some way, relates to what I'm experiencing. Not the entirety of it, but a part of it, would be enough for me to justify sharing my experiences. Normally, I would have written this out in a diary but something tells me that by sharing it and letting people they are not alone would be more beneficial than keeping this to myself. To preface everything, these are first world problems. All of this spiraling - ok first off my behavior towards what is really the most minor of all triggers is annoyingly blown over. All that happened was that someone i thought i could have befriended more given time and more chats- just one day decided i wasnt worth being (and i hate typing this) mutuals with.

What made me laugh was the idea of describing my lil hissy fit emotional tantrum to my boomer absolutely not online coworkers and they would all most likely laugh about it. But the more i thought about losing this mutual, the question i kept going back to was why? why was i blowing this out of proportion? what even caused this big of a reaction in me? well first off, i was really riding on the hope to get to know them better. i really wanted to be friends with them. the great thing about online friendships is that it eliminates any barriers that would be present if someone tried to make friends with you in person. you dont worry about smelling bad, looking weird, stuttering, bad posture, etc. so truly i was thinking if our interests aligned enough and we cracked some jokes we had something, that could blossom into something cool. instead it didnt and they just dropped me entirely out of nowhere, and me being my silly self thinks somehow its my fault.

honestly though im sure they were going through something - like they would constantly post about wanting ppl to unfollow them and me going oh that cant be about me surely, nah it was most definitely about me. i cant nail down what it was though, did i not reach out enough? did i joke too much? was i too little was i too much. unfortunately, with the lack of a physical barrier im taking this as a personal fault that I Really messed something up. Something about me as a person is inherently undesirable and therefore not worth putting in the time or effort to talk to -- there must have been something off about me for this to have played out the way it did, right? I keep running scenarios in my head like oh what if i reached out more, or what if i responded in a different way that one time -- as if it can change the outcome of what has happened but. all of this. all of this emotional self inflicting stupid reaction im having stems from my own struggles in real life to make friends. this has been a running trend all my 28 years (yeah 28!) and.. to bring myself back to reality and to keep my emotions from spilling over. I came up with a good strategy.

I always ground myself by saying to myself in a silly voice as if one would calm down a pet "are you punishing yourself for having become the person you are today due to your shitty environment/upbringing that you had no control over" and "are you punishing yourself for factors out of your control Again? eye roll come on now" and thats literally how ive been grounding myself this entire time whenever i get really uncomfortable with how i am as a person in real life. and yeah honestly my upbringing sucks ass it sucks soooo much. i have no extended family and it has never been more obvious since i became conscious as a toddler to this day that my extended family on both sides absolutely does not give a shit about me nor my immediate family. my immediate family being my mom and my sister. my mom and my sister are my ONLY family. side note and i mean this semi-jokingly: if you have a family fuck you. when my coworkers talk about their uncles or their aunts or their grandparents or how they were raised by their grandparents or how they hung out with their cousins and how they went on vacations, or how they spent time with their dad. i feel this massive vacancy in my heart that is a placeholder of what i want so desperately to have happened. i feel like those scenarios they describe to me are just not possible, families only exist on tv shows, and christmas specials, thats not a real thing. it has never been a reality for me. unrelatable. all of it. and as a first generation child from immigrants (lets not even get into my dad we havent spoken to him in over a decade) my only memories are of food stamps, being smelly in school because my mom could literally not afford the time to take care of me or afford a baby sitter, my stuttering, my inability to join extracurricular activities due to money, all of it added up to my ostracization throughout the entirety of my school years.

& as a child on welfare it was very much drilled into me that the only escape from poverty is through education and i took that very seriously. im a fucking scientist now i passed the national exam to get where i am. where i failed socially didnt matter to me back then as long as i had good grades, grades were All that mattered to me. and i succeeded. but not without some draw backs. ive always been an awkward person. i have a couple of friends few and far between in person. its literally three people that i keep in contact with in real life and i am extremely grateful that they reach out to me but its also like. i gotta do better lol one of them forgot my birthday this year and the other one only texted me 'birth' on my birthday, the last one he's a keeper - we're basically brothers and he always checks in on me, but he doesnt live in the same state as me. so all of that is to say. When this person broke mutuals it kind of made me, or rather for my own sanity, seriously re-evaluate my relationship with how i spend my free time, and who and what exactly am i placing value in. this person absolutely does not care about me and i dont expect them to. and given what little we had in terms of an online friendship i guess i let my hope of a cool friendship with them blind me to the reality of what we actually had. time and time again i have placed more hope and love into online individuals that do not reciprocate - and usually they just drop the ball on me. which is like ok. im sure i was either too little or too much i can never accurately gauge how intense i am due to, you know, Lack of Real Life Experience. oh right the suicide thing, so like for the longest time i struggled with suicidal idealization - it only stopped until i graduated about two years ago. In my pre-teens to late teens i told myself that if i was in the same scenario where my mom and my sister are my only family but we were well off i would definitely have killed myself.

I decided as a pre-teen that my only worth was how high i could get into my academics in order to lift my mom out of poverty. that was the Singular Only driving factor that kept me alive. kinda. damn that sucks to write out lol but its true! that was my mantra back then and i would repeat it anytime something shitty happened to me or someone was mean to me. im not sure where im going with this. i just wanted to get it out there, that i was and still am very lonely in person, and whats funny is that im not even like ugly im just average, i hung out with my sister and dolled myself up a bit for my birthday and we went to the mall and three guys hit on me unprompted so its definitely not a looks thing - SPEAKING OF when i got into uni and moved into an apartment with four roomates i was like this is my YEAR, im gonna go out SO MUCH im gonna walk around campus im gonna go out late and do school clubs!! and then covid happened. the apartment lease was worthless. i stayed indoors exactly the same amount as i always did only this time it was justified, but it sucked because that was the time i had decided i was going to break my cycle of staying inside holy shit that fucking sucked. and then my senior year of college i didnt need to stay in an apartment anymore because i was required to be in a hospital four days out of the week for training so i ended up back at my moms. i think there is something wrong w me tho bc im not saying it was being poor that led to me being awkward. but it didnt help, and im gonna go ahead and blame my lack of a support group - family wise, my entire life, on how uh. i came out. lately im trying to reel back how blunt i am. which. uh. hmm. i actually have a large language barrier with my mom. somehow i picked up on understanding spanish but not speaking it perfectly, it improved, im way better at speaking it now.

but i could hardly communicate with my mom while growing up, and she never expressed interests in my hobbies or who i was as a person, to this day i am and will forever be a 7 year old toddler in her eyes. she still shows no interest in me as a person or who i am. which is fine with me, ive accepted that she wont change, because she grew up in a more messed up environment and this entire time only until Recently, she had been on breadwinner providing for my two daughters survival mode. um. so , like i mentioned. that person breaking mutuals just shone a light on how, broken i am as a person? you would think, without physical barriers the sky is the limit when it comes to befriending people but no i still struggle i cant do anything right i suppose. i just need to focus on improving my life outside of online spaces. people online will reach out of they want to and can so im trying to lessen my hopes in general. and um. idk im at a loss for words currently. i simply dont know where to begin when it comes to , anything? living? hmm. i only just escaped school so i feel like i can breath - air for once. im no longer under the scary pressure of - if i fail at school im better off dead- ohh i think i know what i can add - offline people are WEIRD. ive had a couple of hiccups with friends irl that i literally dont talk to anymore! one of them became a misogynist red pill guy, another guy kept trying to touch me every time we hung out! and the last guy kept telling me to fuck off when i asked how he was doing!! hmmm. yeah this is just circling back to my current mantra which is to not be overly mean to myself for how i am currently due to my , situations leading up to now. I DONT KNOW. here's hoping..!! something !! anything is nice to me!! ohhhh i remembered something else. recently my coworker exchanged numbers w me saying something about haning out with other coworkers in the future. i am so desperately trying not to get my hopes too high up. always happens tho!!!!!!!! i get my hopes up when it comes to making friends both offline and online!!!!!! and guess what keeps happening again and again!!! HAHA………..can i have hope this time??? do u know once i tried reaching out to a mutual i wanted to befriend and get closer to (we were calling each other friends by this point) on Three Separate Platforms i knew they were active on only for them to Not respond to Anything i sent? AND i didnt even reach out three times in a row I Spaced It Out like a Normal Person. Only for Them to Tell me how they were having Fun in Their Friend Group of Other Online People talking about our Mutual Interests. Do you know how fucking stupid i felt at that moment. Oh im sorry am i not cool enough to be invited to that. Am i too stupid what is it about me thats so repellent??

I know its common courtesy to not be straight to people and tell them whats wrong with them but damn i wish someone would be straight with me and Not leave me hanging UGH. I realized at that moment tho that I never wanted to BE that desperate EVER AGAIN. I felt like such a stupid asshole holy shit. I never want to be that desperate for some onlines person attention ever again oh my god,, i dont think ill ever forgive them for that. its all on me though!!!!!!!!! mY FAULT!!!!!!!, for placing Value and i guess getting my Hopes up that i could make friends again WHOOPSIES i forgot im fuckin uhhh Ultra stinko Stupid Bitch who cant maintain any sort of relationship!!! back to the ditch on the side of the road i go to drink my stupid pond water like the unlovable unwarranted piece of shit nobody wants to hang out with again!!!!!!!! MY BAD!!!!!!! SO SORRY TO BOTHER. well its whatever i got money now, i have a job. and as much as i would like to say well earning money is all that matters right? its not. im a greedy greedy jealous little sniveling BITCH and my heart will never stop yearning for what others take for Granted. SO YEAH LOL. this has felt great to type out!! if you relate to any of that...um... Im sorry!!!!! we all in this together. but maybe not really im just gonna be kept at arms length with literally anyone i try to befriend offline due to me bein a little weirdo who cant relate to anything haaa,,, i want to end this on a positive note but fuck that! This is where im currently at and this is my current predicament! Will it improve? sure if i put some effort into myself and spend less time online and stop putting rakes on the ground to step on. i literally set myself up for getting hurt everytime ill figure out a way to make the pain hurt less.

[shrineheart]

this is gonna be incredibly cheesy but i finally got back to reading senbazuru. its been like over a year but i thought hey its koros birthday lets do it. i stopped reading because stuff just got so busy and i wasnt into ass class as much anymore. but when i first read it man best thing ive ever read genuinely. changed so much of my ways of thinking and made me feel more positive overall and be able to face hard things. like i legitimately find myself thinking and WORRYING about the ending. like oh god how emotionally devastated am I going to be when this is over. anyways I finally read more of it last night, and i cried bro. on like the miraikan chapter and afterwards stuff. cried. jesus forgot how emotional and wonderful and sweet and serious this is. its helped me throught sad times and through hard gender times and AHHHHHHH. when its all done im gonna print it out for myself and have a forever copy (but still go back and check on it online) senbazuru means sososososo much to me, thank you so much for your hard work and heart you put into it.

I had a scare with my mom recently and my cat's health is declining. As a result, I've been in a pretty bad place mentally the past week.

So seeing this message in my ask box?

Congrats. You made me cry too. <3 (in a good way, I assure you)

I'm glad you love it. I'm glad you kept reading. And I hope the ending won't disappoint. (even if it takes me like, five years to get there jesus christ)

Thank you for reading this self indulgent mess that I've poured so much love and thought into.

Like... with everything going on sometimes life feels really hard and meaningless. It's been really rough lately for me. But seeing things like this, knowing other people have read this thing and love it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I've done something. Even if it's a small something.

I'm still working on Senbazuru. It's usually in bits and pieces. A paragraph here or there before bed. But it's something I'm determined to finish because I want people to get the ending I have written.

I'm hoping, one day, I can get more chapters into my original work to so I can show what I can do outside of the fanfiction genre. The world I have set up for To Take What is Freely Given is fun and has a lot of opportunities for story in it.

Thank you for reading and loving it enough to come back and continue reading. Thank you for this message. It's made my night a little better.