#i might make that its own post tho i wanna ramble on this blog more

[silentoathprincess]

i love dmmd but i have seen you reblog about other nitro chiral games, how would you rate them? like which game do you like the most and so on, I've only played dmmd and i love it but seeing your posts makes me want to play those too!! love your blog

thank you anon thats so nice!!! ill try to keep this shortish bc otherwise i WILL infodump forever. and ill try not to spoil anything

dmmd is definitely my favorite! it is kind of an outlier compared to the other n+c games tho. it has a lot more comedic moments and the bright cyberpunk aesthetic is pretty different than the usual nitty gritty nitro chiral vibes. if you havent played reconnect you totally should! it adds so much to the characters (msg me if you cant find a copy online) and im forever trying to get my hands on the mizuki recode route lmao

togainu no chi and slow damage are about even for me. slow damage is the most recent one and might have the best story that n+c has ever written. its the only one without any supernatural elements but i think it makes up for it with compelling plot. its VERY dark but i think that makes getting to the end and figuring out all the mystery of the game v exciting. i DO wish the routes felt more...equal? like theres very clearly a true route and its very clearly the best of the bunch lmao. also give me an ikuina route pls hes sooo unwell <3

tnc is the first n+c game and its showing its age a little (i kinda love the early 2000s emo vibes tho). i think the premise for it is really intriguing! theres some killer world building and really fantastic bad ends (if you're into that sort of thing). the character personalities dont quite hit the same levels of intrigue as dmmd for me but theres not a single one i dislike. theres an extra character in the re-release tnc true blood too but ive never been able to get a copy

i'll be so honest, i did not like sweet pool at ALL when i first played it. theres some fantastic fanart out there thats actually swayed me back around to liking it more but like. i didnt know what i was getting into and i definitely should have read a summary first. i thought the thing about youji shitting meat was a running joke. i was not prepared for it to be like baby meat fetuses and cult omegaverse stuff. i like omegaverse but i wish i had been more prepared. its a low tier game for me tbh

i havent finished lamento yet! it took me years to get it working lmaooo im still in the common route. right now i'd probably put it between tnc/slow damage and sweet pool. its definitely better than sweet pool but its not hitting tnc/slow damage levels for me yet. i like the catboys tho catboys catboys catboys

per usual with n+c games id recommend checking out a warnings guide first just to be safe but let me know if you play any of them or which ones you like! i hope this helped!

[nijigay]

hiiii :3 I noticed ur one (of a few) ppl who ships boniji on tumblr, and I wanna know if you know any accounts/artists who ships them so I could follow them to satiate my boniji fixation >.< Also, some bocchi x nijika questions I wanna personally ask: what songs do you recommend that reminds you of them? Also, what are some boniji fanfics you recommend/like? I probably already read most of their fics but I wanna know what others like. Lastly, ur personal boniji headcanons if you don't mind sharing... 👉👈

I only ask blogs rarely cuz I'm shy so no need to answer immediately...

I'm just brainrotting over boniji so much! im so normal about them (◔‿◔)

AWAWAWA i love boniji like so much like too much like its become my main personality trait!

but youre right!!! it feels like boniji fans are mostly japan natives and there dont seem to be many english speaking boniji fans! ohhh i wish there was more of a following! imagine a boniji zine in the west! i would pay money to get involved with that

im kind of embarrassed about shoving my ships in ppls faces all the time and this might get long and its just me like rambling about my OTP so like .. gona put it under a read more lol. seriously this post is like almost 2k words long thats longer than my average fanfic chapter

i hate to be a shill but im going to be a shill for my fic recommendations:

ive been working on a lowkey corny boniji hanahaki fic on AO3 and some other oneshots, so maybe you would be willing to check my own stuff out?? (if u want .-. im really amateur with this stuff despite being an art student lol) its been on hiatus for like half a year but im just adhd af and keep restarting. im still working on it frequently tho and im secretly hoping to start updating on a consistent basis soon. but i also liked fics like "Midnight and Daydreams" and "Bubblegum Detergent" and "A Sellout Night" and "Just Enough to be Enough" and "A Kiss is Not A Cure". MANNN i remember that last one fucked me up bad when it was posted. it was only the second ever dedicated boniji fic and like I LOVE angst but with how small the sample size of fics was at the time it was like AUFHAUIJKADGF. all those fics are super super good though! i also love the third one, i love the trans bocchi HC personally

umm as far songs songs tho, i guess the ones i associate with boniji most are:

"veil" by keina suda, i remember drafting some animatic for an angsty AU of Hitori living on post-Kessoku

"STEP&CLAP" by yoshino aoyama (aka yoppi aka bocchis VA <3), i think yoppi making the song speaks for itself but its a rly cute song and i love thinking of Hitori and Nijika like tap dancing to it?? check out the rest of yoppi's debut album too!! her voice is so pretty and i was so happy finding out that there are 11 songs with her voice, instead of the 1 from the anime

idk why but i also think of them a lot when listening to PMMM's ost by yuki kaijuri, like "desiderium" and "not yet" and "mada dame yo"? these r kinda a stretch though but idk!!

i also like compiling music that reminds me of them into spotify playlists, if youd like some inspiration for your own! this one and also this angstier one

i have a lot of boniji headcanons but i feel like its hard for me to like list them all in one spot because they usually come to me with context during relevant conversations?? but ill list whatever i can think of!:

this ones not necessarily boniji but i was thinking about it like an hour ago, but i really like the idea of Seika being a huge boniji supporter. like in the source material she already finds Bocchi really cute, so I get the impression she would really like to be an older sister figure for Bocchi (and probably gets jealous of Kikuri for holding that spot in Bocchi's life lol), and so Nijika being a potential love interest for Bocchi would make Seika double down hard on supporting boniji. she'd probably be the one who brings Bocchi up to Nijika more than Nijika would bring her up to Seika?? i also like to imagine that for Seika she has a similar complex to Yoyoko. but instead of "Bocchi is stealing my spot as Hiroi's younger sister figure," it would be "Kikuri is stealing my spot as Bocchi's older sister figure" LOL . if that makes any sense at all

this ones actually taken from a japanese twitter user, but they moved on from boniji after the anime ended. but they had some headcanons that REALLY stuck with me. my favorite was the idea that Bocchi and Nijika both have inferiority complexes with one another. iirc their (translated) words were along the lines of "Bocchi thinks of Nijika as a pure, comforting light in her life, one that could be muddied if Bocchi got involved with her. On the other hand, Nijika thinks of Bocchi as a reliable hero who outshines an ordinary girl like her." i just REALLY like it. it also reminds me of this conversation that Yoppi and Suzushiro had on the BTR podcast, about Bocchi and Nijika's first meeting! like nijika literally brought light into Bocchi's life awdsfsgdhgfjh

actually that same user above also made a tweet that is the reason why i associate Keina Suda's "veil" with boniji! they made a tweet about an AU idea, where, in the event that Nijika would ever pass away, Seika would give Bocchi her ribbon, which Hitori would wear from that point onwards as she continues to play music to honor Nijika's memory. they also suggested that in the opposite event of Hitori passing away, Nijika would possibly do something very rash out of despair but thats dark hahaha!!!!

i kinda think this goes without saying and i think its actually a fairly common HC for BTR characters in general, but I can definitely see Bocchi being trans

I like to imagine that shortly after Volume 2, Bocchi and Nijika would probably have another conversation

eventually, i'm sure if Bocchi and Nijika pursued a relationship that they'd eventually move in together (or like into the same room? if Kessoku Band had a sharehouse?), and since both Bocchi and Nijika tend to be minimalistic with their room decor, their shared room would again become filled with a ton of Ryo's clothes and items and instruments, like how Nijika's room at Seika's apartment is

i think they'd both end up being really touchy with each other, especially when nervous? Bocchi kind of already does this when she's in new places (eg bringing Kita to Shimokitazawa, or going to FOLT for the first time and being dragged by Nijika), but I think it would grow to them finding comfort with each other?

idk if this is necessarily a HC but i really like how Bocchi and Nijika emotionally support each other, even in source. Nijika is shown to have a really good read on Bocchi (to the point of Bocchi worrying that Nijika is actually a psychic), knowing Bocchi's common thought processes, and picking up from Bocchi's mother during her first visit to Kanazawa that karaage chicken can bring Bocchi out of her anxiety attacks, and seems to be the only character who actually comments on Bocchi's growth as an individual and actively tries to facilitate it; but she also doesn't lovebomb Bocchi with praise, striking what seems to be a good balance for pushing Bocchi but also being a reliable confidant for her too.

one of my favorite details from the anime that i really feel doesnt get talked about as often as it should is when Nijika finally notices that Bocchi is guitarhero! she definitely wasn't the first to notice (Seika noticed first, but it seemed like Seika only knew about guitarhero via Nijika. When she notices that Bocchi's playing sounds familiar, her thought process immediately goes towards wondering why Nijika isn't noticing, and then she just tells them to get back to work) but she was the first one that Bocchi admits it too. but my favorite part is how Bocchi says that she wanted to change and grow as a person before telling them the truth, and she says that she especially wanted to grow before Nijika in particular found out! its just really cute, i love how Bocchi was worried about disappointing Nijika. and i like how, after some growth, Bocchi's dream turns from "becoming popular" to "making Kessoku Band the best band it can be" which is like almost basically the same as Nijika's dream! and so it's really nice when Bocchi doubles down on that goal by not remotely entertaining the idea of leaving Kessoku Band, even when goaded by promises of popularity.

last headcanon! because i ran out of thoughts and just came up with this on the spot. but i also like the idea that as the years go on, Bocchi and Nijika in particular may kind of become more similar in personality. i mean, they'd definitely still be distinctly them, but i like to think that Bocchi would eventually start picking up more optimistic habits and stop grimacing all the time, while Nijika would eventually become a little more lax and not reflexively try to dismiss her own negative feelings via looking at the silver lining. i thought of that when Nijika kinda dismisses her family dynamics with her mother's passing and her father's neglect after Kessoku's first real performance, as well as Nijika seeming to admit after inhaling Bocchi Dust(?) during her and Kita's Kanazawa visit that some of her optimism is performative

ok another one Nijika seems to have her art skills commented on sometimes so i like to imagine she has doodles of Bocchi in her sketchbook (alongside everyone else but mostly Bocchi). like think of like Miles Morales drawing a ton of Gwen Stacy like that kinda deal but with Nijika drawing Bocchi. and like Bocchi finds the sketchbook and Nijika freaks out and Bocchi actually doesnt look bc she doesnt want to do something wrong. but then Ryo or Kita take it and look instead and then show Bocchi and Bocchi melts into a flustered puddle

wowwow this got long! sorry! i really mean it when im like OBSESSED with these two like i think ive thought about them on a daily basis ever since the episode aired where Nijika bought Bocchi a cola. isnt that cute, too!? she picked up on Bocchi's favorite soda so quickly! and her buying a box of energy drinks for Bocchi despite not understanding why at all! girlfriend behavior

i really really want to make more boniji content, i'd like to be more active in posting my fics and drabbles and drawings, someday soon. right now most of my boniji content is just illegible sketches in my sketchbook lol

also thank u so much for like sending this ask im like BEGGING internally all the time to be given the chance to talk about them! i dont think theyre like a rarepair or anything, especially with them seeming to be like the second most popular BTR ship in japan, but i do think that not many people talk to them in the english side of the fandom! theyre super super cute and have really good chemistry.

this entire post is probably like a total carwreck i hope its even readable

ill also use this post as an excuse to post my own HCs for a Kessoku Band's relations chart. it's a bonus for reading this far. i'm sorry for draining 22 HP from you with this brain dump

[daftaiyo]

Dear Daftaiyo

(Yes, I write to you, once again)

Not a day goes by without me thinking about your art and that animatic that I rewatch so often. You sit in my notifications quite often with reblogs, but I miss your art!

I want to make an art for your Piglin again. But I want to do something with lore in it.

Would it be possible to arrange? Maybe you could ramble in the post for this ask, or message it to me if you don't wanna share it publically?

Love your art and your character forever,

Respectfully,

Marcus blood-smith

Well hello there, dear Marcus blood-smith!~

Yee sorry got a new job and cant really find time to do art worth posting here. (Its silly sketches and comms And people following me here expect fanart)

For the lore mghmmm I cant really tell much more from the server, don't play there often. I mean I made an egg costume and was running around in it a lot pretending to be qsmp egg. Fun time. Mostly I visit it for our events like secret santa or new minigame that was built in the game district. Bunker game was really fun. It's based on board game with the same name.

Got back to my first base to finally finish it! I guess you can make up lore from that-

Like weather in snowy Tinkerwing village got so bad that people from there had to move in the big tree in the warmer area. Ooohhh abnormal weather.

Hilda DOES have her own lore tho that's different from whatever happens when I'm playing and she's completely new character from me.

She's more of background character in that story tho

The only pic with whole crew I have is this one

In story she was childhood friends with ghast gal, but they were separated when Hilda went through the nether portal and couldn't go back. Ghast got mad at her thinking she was abandoned, got super buff, speedrunned minecraft (not a joke, she went to the End and got op loot there) finally found Hilda and get in the cool anime battle with her.

While after Hilda appeared in the Overworld she was found by Noelle (brown cow) before turning into zombie piglin Was cured in the village and started observing new culture for her helping to fight the Big Bad Rich in a face of Adele (phantom gal) and her right hand arm. man. her everything. Her confidence, best friend. Her silly rabbit.. Piper (silverfish in yellow glasses) in the process. And yeah fighting her bff after

So

I might try making separate blog for oc's But I'm just not that kind of person to talk about my oc's a lot. I'm not that good of story writer or story teller. Most of my oc's don't have lore rather just concept of it.

I did manage to upload a lot of pics on Toyhouse tho You could check it out to maybe get some more context from art there (I'm Daftaiyo there as well)

Thank uuuuu<3<3<3

Was glad to see you again,

Daftaiyo~

[totaldramafan-lauri]

A little self-discovery

Heyyyyyyy! It’s....b-been a bit! Truthfully, I....I haven’t been completely OK this week. I’ve been dealing with some stuff, but....I’ve been though worse at the same time, so it’s not a super big deal. But.....I wanted to talk about this, cuz I.....kiiiiinda alluded to it before....? Dunno if anyone saw it, tho, but..y’know.......

I-I still wanted to talk about it....

This is something that no one but me will care about, but....s-screw it, I'm already here, and this might be something I'll mention again in the future, so....here goes....

So....this has to do with....family history and stuff, so if that doesn’t interest you, keep scrolling, nothing to see here.....XD

So, I’ve had to do some CRAZY stuff in order to get over post-Eurovision depression this year. I still dunno why it got SO bad this time, cuz it’s usually not, but....yeah. I was doing pretty much nothing but rewatching Eurovision videos for weeks last month. On top of that, my favorite idol/comfort person has been on hiatus for health reasons, and his fanbase is collectively miserable and missing him horribly, which brought down my mood really badly, making it harder to move on from Eurovision which makes me happy. But....I FINALLY did something that got me over it for the most part.

And that’s that....I, uh....I revisited an old special interest of mine. I’m not sure if I’m getting back into it necessarily, but I’ve been looking at old things and having a nostalgia trip. I was last into this in early 2013 (it was one of the last special interests I was into before Total Drama and me getting this blog), so it’s been a while. And....yes, it does have ties to Eurovision for me. It's how I first discovered Eurovision, which....is a really weird story. KeepinmindI’mAmericansoIHADtolearnthroughaweirdway*cough*

Now, I’m not gonna say what this is, cuz it’s not SUPER important to this topic. It’s just the catalyst for it. This is its own can of worms. And honestly, altho I look back on this thing very well (and I consider it one of the best fandoms I’ve ever been in), I’m also embarrassed by it in the present day. This isn’t something I’d really recommend to people. I’m happy it exists, but I’m worried if it’s.....aged well enough to point new fans toward it, is what I’m saying.

All I’ll say for now is that....it has to do with world history, and leave it at that.

(If anyone is interested in me talking about this, and don’t mind me potentially talking about weird stuff, I AM more than happy to explain. There’s a LOTTA stuff I can talk about, seriously. XD I had a lotta great experiences in that fandom, and could basically talk about it all day if I could. It was one of those fandoms that I had multiple phases of. It basically ruled my life for many years, and it helped me learn certain things about myself that are....still getting mileage today.....and again, it’s the reason I got into Eurovision, which I STILL love today, so....NEED I SAY MORE? It’s very close to my heart. I just don’t wanna talk about it RIGHT NOW cuz it’d lead to a huge tangent.)

Point is.....I’m revisting it. I’m looking at old stuff I saved, and even stuff related to it that I made myself. It feels like I’m 18-21 again......and, through that....I remembered that.....there was something I’d started to do, that I’d stopped when I moved on.

I was.....learning Croatian. In 2013....

And I stopped....

I had a whole list of words I’d learned even, and I- I forgot all about, it-

So, uh...I know that sounded REALLY REALLY RANDOM, so- uh-

The same time I was in this fandom, I was part of a subfandom for this group of OCs I really liked, and- g-gosh, this is going all over the place, pffffff- b-but, these OCs, had to do with the history of Yugoslavia and the countries it became and- I sound so stupid right now- P-point is, it was a really weird coincidence, that this happened, not that long after I learned that I’m one-quarter Croatian!

So......family-related rambling time:

So, I knew that my dad’s side of the family was Greek. And that my paternal great-grandparents (none of which I got to meet) were immigrants. But....I didn’t know everything for the longest time. I knew I was Greek, cuz fun fact my last name is VERY Greek, and we celebrate Greek Easter instead of regular Easter (I’m PRETTY SURE I’ve mentioned this on my blog before?). We also follow a few other Greek traditions, and I was taught a few words. And indeed, SOMEWHERE in my grandparents’ house, we still have my grandpa’s parents’ Ellis Island papers when they came to America from Greece. My grandpa is very much Greek.

But.....what about my grandma? Through my childhood, I thought she was also Greek, she’s always just fit in with the traditions and stuff.....I knew that I was told her maiden name when I was young, but I forgot it....and no, turns out she isn’t Greek. Turns out, as I learned randomly as a teenager....she’s actually Yugoslav. But wait, that country doesn’t exist anymore! It DID exist when her parents left it, but....not anymore. I was briefly curious about what she’d identify as in the modern day, but never asked and promptly forgot for a few years cuz it wasn’t a big deal.

BUT, in 2012-2013, somewhere around that time, in a random conversation with my grandpa and uncle, things finally came together. She was playfully poking fun at Greeks, and my grandpa made a joke about Croatians in response.

And it came together, exactly where she was from, and I could say what every part of me was without using outdated words. I was like....”that’s neat” at first, but I didn’t really dwell on it for a while.

But THEN, this fandom happened again! And it got me interested in world history, and I hyperfixated on this group of popular OCs from it, and.....i-it led me to blogs, and art, all dealing with.....all this history, through the lens of characters I liked, and I realized that I was kinda.....learning about a p-part of myself? And through it, I got....curious about it.....? It seemed so interesting to me all of a sudden.....?

I’m....one-quarter Croatian. Yet, I was raised as if I was half Greek. I....didn’t KNOW anything about Croatia or Yugoslavia. My grandma never taught us anything about her family and how they lived. She just took on the role of my Greek grandma with my Greek grandpa and she was just fine with that. And I am too, don’t get me wrong, cuz I love my Greek side, but.....I’ve ALWAYS known and have been in touch with my Greek side. And, for once, I was like...VERY curious all of a sudden, sparked by fandom of all things, to discover my Croatian side.

Through this RP account I used to follow (RIP Formspring), I got interested in the language. I taught myself the alphabet and a few phrases. I also watched a YouTube documentary on the history Yugoslavia once (dunno if it’s still up) and hooooly crap Croats are badass (there’s no other word to describe that, pfffff). That country has been through a LOT and WON. The fact that I probably have distant relatives over there that fought through all that for their independence REALLY interested me. Ashamed as I was to admit it, I got really into learning about Croatian history, all thanks to this really weird coincidence of discovering I’m part Croatian and then almost immediately after, discovering a Croatian character I liked that talked about his history a lot. All the while, jumping between this and a historical comedy anime. It was probably one of my weirdest summers interest-wise. One day, I’d be looking up art of ships I like, and the next, I’d be learning a new thing about Croatia. A fun fact, or a not-so-fun fact, or a new word or phrase, or something completely random from this blog I followed, pffff....

I was super into learning about this seemingly-random country that I was slightly embarrassed about it, and didn’t really talk a lot about it to others. It would’ve been easy to say “my grandma’s from there”, but I dunno, part of me didn’t feel like that was a good enough excuse to admit I’d watched war documentaries. Guess I felt....guilty, so I hid it.

And then.....I stopped.

I got into new interests. It happens. I couldn’t stay fixated forever. The fact that it was a short Kirby’s Return To Dreamland phase, and then Total Drama of all things happening, that led me away is kinda funny to think about......but, eh, with how problematic my old fandom....could PROBABLY be viewed as, I guess I’m happy I avoided having a Tumblr while I was an active fan? Again, it was probably the best fandom I’d ever been in, but.....y’know, with time, things could’ve gotten uglier if I was actively gushing over it, so it kinda does feel like I dodged a bullet. I could easily see myself pissing off a hatedom.

But.....here I am again. I came back. Not to the fandom as a whole, but just feeling nostalgic and looking back at old stuff. And lo and behold, I remembered my old project eventually. I kinda felt bad that I stopped for dumb reasons, but then again, I started for dumb reasons too......

I still remember the alphabet, and a few words. Part of me still wants to learn how to speak in...even small sentences at one point. Not enough to wanna take lessons, but...step-by-step by myself. It’s a “what if” situation. Maybe I never will be able to speak it, but one can dream.

So....yup, that’s what I’ve been up to this past month or so. I’m not watching war documentaries this time, thank god (seriously, 21-year-old me went to the darkest places first, huh >__> Dang history fixation), but I’ve been looking up videos on several locations in Croatia, for one. Gorgeous place. If I could, I’d try to go there, but social anxiety makes it REALLY HARD to bring it up to my family, especially when I’ve NEVER brought it up before. But even in videos, I am immersed when I look at it. It’s my dream vacation (well, one of them). Split is one of the prettiest places I’ve seen in my life. Which, again, I did NOT expect. I’ve heard multiple people talk about the prettiest countries in the world, but did anyone mention Croatia? Nooooo! But it’s a very touristy country for Europe, it’s just that Americans don’t talk about it. Hmph! >__> Not only that, but.....Croatian music. SO much music. SO MUCH. I’m mainly using music as a way to learn new words, and....I got hooked. It’s REALLY WEIRD to say that the music I’ve been listening to has been one-third Eurovision, one-third K-pop, and one-third random Croatian songs from playlists I found on YouTube.

It’s been....a LOTTA Eurodance, actually. I didn’t search for any specific genre of music, I just looked up “hrvatske pjesme”, found a playlist, and it was mostly Eurodance, which I did NOT expect! From the kinda songs Croatia sent to Eurovision, I didn’t really associate them with dance music, but....turns out, they’re REALLY GOOD at dance music? Who would’a guessed.....Seriously, I’m tempted to queue up some of the best songs I’ve been listening to to prove this. I might still do that....

(This doesn’t mean I’m gonna be developing a bias when it comes to Eurovision, tho. I’m still unbiased at heart =P I’ll be happy to have a good song, but if it’s mid, I’ll still say it’s mid. If anything, I might be HARSHER since I know how good their music can be now. And I’m not gonna hold back if 2022 happens again, Hrvatska. Oprostite. =P)

(D-don’t get me wrong, I’m not MAD that they don’t send the stuff I’ve been listening to to Eurovision, cuz.....well, it’s junk food. It’s not for everyone, especially here in the 2020s. XD Going the Balkan route makes more sense. Even this year, when they were taking the piss...still, that song was clever and had a message, which is more substance than Eurodance has, pfffff)

To think that this was all sparked by a fandom....that THAT’S what it took for me to fixate on learning this part of myself. But it’s true. It’s....e-embarrassing, yes. And it really only is one quarter of myself. I really could’ve went the rest of my life without doing any of this. But....my brain works in weird ways. And my interests can be super unpredictable. That’s a fandom that, again, I might talk about another time, but.....it really is super important to me for multiple reasons, and this is one of them - leading me to learning about my grandma’s country and its culture and history.

Why am I sharing all this? Cuz.....for one, I might be following this up with sharing Croatian songs on here in the future, or referencing E.T (Electro Team) or Colonia next Eurovision season, or even something else might pop up. It might seem super random, cuz, again, I’m American.....so I wanna explain where it came from. And also, cuz this started before I joined Tumblr, I...never got to talk about this weird interest of mine before. So...it feels good to finally get it out.

Again, it’s only a quarter of myself, but it’s something that makes me unique, and I’m still happy discovering it.

[painted-crow]

Hey I hope this isn’t awkward but that post about your burned badger (lion?) secondary really hit home for me. I’m pretty sure I’ve had the same burned model in the past - I think I started off with a healthier badger/lion model (I can’t figure out which and am still figuring out my sorting anyway) and some external life stuff going on later, I’m really just pushing through and getting stuff done with all the delicacy of a brick. And same here with the emotional rollercoaster ... 1/2

And same here with the emotional rollercoaster of it between panic/apathy. And the burnout. And the ignoring physical pain. And I can see now how this was uh. Pretty unhealthy actually but it really was just so. effective especially given the circumstances and I kind of miss it in a way. It would be nice if I could get back a healthier version of whichever model it was. Anyway I love reading your blog you always have such insightful things to say thanks for reading this ramble <3 2/2

💙💙💙 :D

Not awkward! I'm glad that was useful for someone, rather than just being an angst dump on my part lol

Emergency secondary mode, Badger or Lion?

Links to previous posts:

- post describing my emergency secondary mode (cw for burnout stuff)

- the worst version of this post (cw for terrible memes)

So, after a lot of consideration and chatting with some lovely SHC people (looking at you @mooglesorts and you @magpie-of-a-birb), I've come to the tentative conclusion that I have a Lion secondary performance.

Which is not something I ever expected to say! I've long had a knee-jerk "aaaaa scary!" reaction to Lion secondary, but actually I think that's because I have this performance and I've had to use it in unsustainable ways.

I should probably put a trigger warning here for self harm through overwork... yeah.

So, I found this song:

(While it is a bop, it is also x2 trigger warning combo for self harm ahaha)

This song's primary is exploded Glory Hound Lion--that's not what's relatable about it to me tho. What I wanted my friends' opinion on was the secondary that's displayed here. Sounded familiar. So I brought it up on the SHC Discord server (which is out of beta, dm me for an invite link if you wanna join!).

I was thinking it might actually be the fully Burned "anything that works" secondary, but Magpie was like "no, that's a Lion sec with a Snake model" and I went "huh..."

...and then Moogle was like no that's a snakesec with an unhealthy Lion model, the masks aren't working so they're busting out Lion--and especially there's the focus on the character feeling powerful because they can hurt themself with it and keep going anyway

And I was like "oh shit that tracks more than I was expecting it to... whoops"

Badger hits different without unhealthy pressure

I do have and use a Badger secondary model, and I used to think my emergency secondary mode was just my Badger model taken to unhealthy extremes. But I don’t think so now.

First, because I actually think that my emergency mode is/was often a product of my exploded Badger primary model, which itself idealized Badger secondary.

I'm still picking through that thing's shrapnel and finding its influence in old memories and automatic reactions I still have and stuff like that--not to mention rooting it out of my system. Which is to say, now that I know what I'm looking for, I'm still discovering how far back this thing goes! Turns out I've been trying to whack this piñata for years, and it used to be so much worse.

The self-destructive "I'd rather run myself hard into the ground than fail" nature of my emergency mode makes a lot of sense in retrospect. When you tie your self-worth to achievement... well: the lyrics "I'll never lose / I'll never die" from the song seem less "I have achieved immortality!" and more "I basically equate failure with death." This song really straddles that edge of relatable but also obviously messed up. It's... something.

Second, my Badger secondary model is very different when it's not under pressure from the 'splodey primary model. I'm kind of having to figure out what it's like without that and it's weird. It seems to be a whole lot more chill and also I'm getting more Courtier than I'm used to?

Yeah, turns out if you dig out "you should help other people to justify your existence, but don't accept help back or it cancels it out" from your system (because damn, there's a system piece I didn't look at closely enough) it might have been holding up Courtier potential you haven't been using.

What's the difference?

I don't know who pointed this out first, I think I read it somewhere, but Badger secondary is very process focused and Lion secondary is very results focused. (Bet you this was from @wisteria-lodge. I'm not sure, though.)

Badger usually shows up as a few main things for me: mirroring, chipping away at big projects, picking up life maintenance and self care type tasks (especially when Bird secondary is burned), and caregiving/service stuff. It can also Burn on its own, which is its own brand of "motivation is a cryptid" exhaustion. None of this looks like Lion, so where does the confusion come in?

The only time my Badger model starts to look like Lion--and here the line really blurs with the performance--is when I've tried to get it to do tasks it's not really meant for. There are things I need Bird unburned in order to tackle (perhaps it's the presence of burned Birdsec that gets in the way? That injured confidence can be really debilitating) and I can't do them with just Badger.

I'm sure actual Badger secs know how to, say, learn Adobe Illustrator's unbelievably complicated controls while under deadline using Badger, but I have no clue. I powered through using probably the least efficient controls possible. (If you're using the nudge tool as a form of measurement, you're probably doing it wrong. I'm guessing.)

Needless to say, that's exhausting. I think there's some point in the project timeline where it stops being "well it's not efficient but at least I'm making progress!" and starts being fueled by raw stubborn determination and a little bit of spite. The contentment with the process goes out the window. I'm fighting my own perfectionism (and usually losing) because I just want this thing done.

Which, that's not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it's really useful to be able to go "screw it" and charge. It becomes a bad thing when you ignore all your other needs to do it, possibly because you've tied success and/or productivity to your self worth, and also you're still clutching your perfectionism and hissing "my precioussssss."

also:

It's not always obvious, but I sometimes use Lion secondary in ways not connected to the splodey Badger primary model.

(Occasionally it is obvious though... haha)

I do have this one story about realizing my younger brother might be in danger and charging off to find him, armed with a heavy wooden coat hanger against potential assailants. I went from Bird situational analysis to "this is the best weapon I can find on short notice" in like 30 seconds. In my defense, I was very sleep deprived at the time.

(It makes more sense in context.)

(Sort of.)

so.

I think the emergency secondary mode is a Lionsec performance.

This post took me like a month to write even after figuring it out. And then another few weeks collecting dust in my drafts, because how do you edit something like this

But I've been sitting on it for way too long and I'm tired of saying I should finish/post it, and tonight I'm feeling bored and a little impulsive... so, screw it--I'm calling this done.

(can you hear it? it's there... fighting my Birdsec/Badgersec model perfectionism again.)

(this time, I will listen.)

[uchiha-no-hime]

About the Jonsa ship

Hi, I saw your post about asking why the jonsa ship is a thing and as a fellow passenger of the ship, I'd like to share my side. I don't speak for everyone simply wanted to share my take.

You know how sasunaru is a thing even tho its clearly never going to be canon but people still ship it. Its kind of the same, we enjoy finding parallels with them. And Regardless of whether or not the ship is canon I enjoyed it because its about the adventure. I like reading people's meta on what they think might happen and their excitement. There are many things i like about the ship but I'm sleep so I'm in a rush to finish this so I apologize if its messy it's 4am here and I havent been sleeping well. 

Point is it does have to make sense to anyone, it makes us happy so we go with it. Just as your ship makes you happy. I wont ever tell you what to like or what not to like. Ots your opinion and their valid but so is mine. I would never try to belittle things you like. Honestly I'm fine with whoever ends up with who because I love the CHARACTERS more then I do a ship. So if Jon and arya happens great because I like them too, i just wanna see how grrm ties them together again because I always views their relationship as platonic siblings. And if its jon and Dany great, I'd like to see how grrm will write their interactions, if its jon and sansa great I'd like to see how grrm would write their romance. The point is I respect ever ship even if I'm not personally a part of it because i have fun on my ship and thats enough for me. So I'm tired of the drama on "which character/ship is better" or "who's/makes a real feminist" can't we just get along? 

I enjoy reading your blog because I adore Arya too, and would be happy if she become QitN or Qof7 ot sails and builds a nation and pack of her own, as long as she's happy. I'll stan practically anything that makes her happy. I just don't think to like someone/something/or a ship we have to drag someone else down. It hurts when the fandom of  two ships or characters i love belittle each other. Everyone can have their own stans and that's fine we dont all have to agree we just have to be respectful I mean we are all part of the same fandom. 

Anyways, thanks for reading my "ireallyneedtosleep" rambling. I don't mean to ofend, its hard to convey tone on text to strangers but I genuinely want to get along with arya stand because I love the stark kids

[twilightofthe]

So...about that Obitine Anidala rant. Also, you said something about how Sidious and Obi-Wan are foils. I would love it if you elaborate. (Also, I love your blog.)

Awwwww thank you anon!  I just be yelling on here!

*wheezes* okie doke!  Tho I stress that this won’t exactly be a rant because I adore Obitine and Anidala and rant kinda implies aggression towards them, this is more of just a long-ass ramble because while I love them, I don’t always love the way canon portrays them in the narrative, particularly in relationship to each other, because I often do not feel that what the show is trying to push us to think about them is accurate to how they actually act and come across.  Notably, the show attempts to draw comparisons to the two relationships that really don’t exist below surface level similarities.  Again, these are my own personal opinions, and in fact, I welcome discussion!  I truly do!  Please politely debate me on this if you disagree!

(god dammit it got long again, so long I’ll actually put ur Sidious and Obi Wan as foils part in a separate post)

I’ll get to why exactly the show compares the relationships very strangely in a moment, but first we gotta explore the reason why it does this in the first place, which is that the Clone Wars show has decided to make Obi Wan and Anakin narrative foils to one another.  Narrative foils, by the literary definition, are two characters that contrast one another.  They don’t have to be the protagonist and the antagonist, these characters can be on the same side, basically the thing is that they have “opposite” personalities where if one character is hot, the other is cold, if one character chooses to go right, the other will go left.  It’s usually used to show one character’s qualities as more favorable for the situation as opposed to anyone else’s.

TCW does this whenever they possibly can with Anakin and Obi Wan.  I get its reasoning behind it.  I do.  The reasoning is that while Anakin is supposed to be a main character, he makes questionable decisions quite often and for the kiddies watching, those decisions must be seen as Bad even if the hero does it, so they have Obi Wan, the unquestionable good guy, encounter the exact same scenarios Anakin makes his questionable decisions in, and then has Obi Wan make the Right(TM) decision to teach the kids a valuable lesson.  They turn Obi Wan into the voice of reason for the entire show, which turns basically almost everything Obi Wan and Anakin do into a constant competition in the narrative in a way the movies do not do (and I’ll get to the movies later).  I’m not saying it’s necessarily a bad thing, making them foils, but it’s definitely more of a show-only thing and it does it quite, quite often.

So yeah, TCW likes to compare Obi Wan and Anakin to the point that sometimes they try and use Obi Wan to diminish Anakin’s genuine trauma and struggles by going “well why didn’t you do it like THIS?” and I think that writing parallel plotlines for the purpose of shaming/criticism is kinda ://////, but that’s another rant for another day that again, if y’all wanna hear about, lmk

Anyway, the need to compare them absolutely made its way into their romantic relationships as well, as they acknowledge the similarities in the show, and Filoni and the crew explicitly compare the two relationships in interviews.

Basically my problem with how they try and draw said parallels can be boiled down to one quote by Filoni that a cursory Google search could not find but I know exists so y’all can take my word or not, that went along the lines of “Obi Wan and Satine are like Anakin and Padmé but better because they know how to stay unattached and let each other go.  They’re a success story.”  I disagreed with this quote so much it inspired me to write a whole-ass fic about it (Mutuals update: yes, it is coming soon, Darth Maul is just himself and therefore an utter pain in the ass to do a POV on and is fighting me like the bitchass he is)

My thesis that I will be arguing today is that while TCW tried to create Obitine as an Anidala parallel, they’re really not similar in the way the writers think they are.  Obitine is not a success story to Anidala, they’re a goddamn tragedy too; the real parallel to Anidala is that Obitine also ended in death and tears despite making all the “right” decisions instead of all the “wrong” ones, and that is what is sad about them.

Like, on the surface level?  Yeah, the crew-intended parallels are there.  A fancy politician and a Jedi get together after the Jedi is assigned as the politician’s bodyguard.  The first time they see each other in over a decade the guy’s first words are basically “damn girl you’re still hot”, there is Conflict(TM) and the choice to try and be together or stay yearningly apart because they are Forbidden(TM) to be together, and ultimately a Sith Lord fucks them both over because he’s obsessed with the Jedi and uses Politician Lady to his advantage, finds and exploits a vulnerability of hers, destroys her life’s work, and then lets her die to make Jedi Man sad.  The difference is all that one pair said “yeah we aren’t gonna break the rules to be together” and the other said “fuck it yeah we are, let’s do this”

But beneath all of that, they real similarities are different and not at all focused on by the narrative.  Obi Wan and Anakin are extremely different people, as are Padmé and Satine, so their relationship dynamics together will not be the same.  You want to try and compare Obi Wan and Anakin and then compare Satine and Padmé like the crew attempts to, and you can’t, they have the same job but not nearly the same life.  Namely, the funny coincidence is that Obi Wan and Padmé are much more similar in personality, while Anakin and Satine are also much more similar in personality, so the first time they meet again, it’s both Anakin and Satine as the one who’s been pining for over a decade and the one more actively pursuing the relationship, while Obi Wan and Padmé who are more like “uh, hi, wow, you’re hot and this is a Problem because I have a job to do pls don’t look at me like that but also I will Cause Problems On Purpose and flirt with you anyway because I can’t help it”.  I get the Corruption TCW ep with Sati and Pads was mostly intended just to help Satine pass the Bechdel test and also show how similar the two leading lady love interests are, but it was a genuinely creative episode that actually ended up showing how much Satine and Padmé compliment each other instead of mirroring each other, much like Obi Wan and Anakin do.

And, onto my next point, despite the character parallels being wrong, the parallels in the relationship are different too.  Like I said, the parallel isn’t that Obi Wan and Satine aren’t attached like Anakin and Padmé are.  The parallel is that Obitine is actively running from what that attachment means instead of embracing it like Anidala is.  The show would argue that since they try to avoid it, that they are able to live without one another, means they aren’t attached like the Jedi define it, but I argue that they definitely still are attached to a degree because they cannot give each other up.  They held torches for each other from a timerange of 15 YEARS.  Yes I know they spent an entire year together at a young and emotionally volatile point in their lives, but I stand that NO ONE is that hung up on their ex for that long unless there is some serious emotions involved.  Anakin was hung up on Padmé for ten years, and that was because Palpatine was constantly bolstering those affections and reminding him of Padmé.  Obes and Sati both-- or at least Satine, the show always makes Obi Wan’s feelings for Satine in return much more vague --held on to their feelings for five years longer without the influence of a Sith Lord.

And the thing is, they know it.  Obi Wan and Satine are both fully aware that they haven’t been able to shake each other off like they should and that that is a Problem, that’s why they’re both a mite venomous with each other beneath the flirting at first, they’re both extremely frustrated with themselves for not being able to get over this thing they have, and frustrated with the other for being there as an active temptation.

And yet, they still are attached to each other.  They try to avoid it, they definitely try, and that’s what makes them different from Anidala, but they are definitely still attached.  You can see it in Obi Wan’s actions in Voyage of Temptation when Merrik is threatening to blow the ship, the way he hesitates in attacking him because that would be “striking an unarmed man”.  Obi Wan Kenobi does not prefer violence, no, but he has never hesitated to cut a bitch before if it’s for the good of the many.  This is the man who stabbed someone with a fork and threatened to eat him just to maintain his cover as a dangerous criminal.  This is the guy who had no problem killing Zam Wessel for information to protect Padmé.  This is a pragmatist who prefers peaceful solutions, but he does not hesitate if he feels it is a justified offense.  But this time, when an entire shipful of people is at risk, Obi Wan hesitates.  Because he doesn’t want to upset Satine.  Because he’s probably thinking on how she told him that if he had killed the last terrorist they encountered, she wouldn’t speak to him, how she had criticized every time he used violence to escape Death Watch before.  He hesitates because he’s putting her happiness, just for a second, over the sake of duty.  Do I think that if Anakin hadn’t shown up to save their moral compasses, Obi Wan would have eventually taken out Merrik?  Absolutely; hell, I honestly think Satine might have done it.

But the matter was, Merrik could have pressed the kill switch any second of Obi Wan’s hesitation, and Obi Wan knew that, and was hesitating anyway.

I am calling this attachment solely because if the situation was reversed, if this was Anakin and Padmé in this situation, with Anakin not taking out a dangerous criminal because he doesn’t want to upset Padmé (lol ignoring the fact that Pads 1000% would have shot that bitch, and even if she didn’t, Anakin would because he is perfectly fine with hurting his loved ones’ feelings if he feels it’ll keep them safe), god, the narrative would have eaten Anakin alive.  

No, I won’t take criticism.  I know how the show handles the Anidala dynamic.  It would have shown Obi Wan popping up to take out the baddie as him doing the right thing and saving the day, and then Anakin would have been shamed for letting his feelings for his wife get in the way of protecting a shipful of people.  THAT would be the Vader foreshadowing, none of this “only a cold-blooded killer” shit, no way would they ever stick that label on Obi Wan.

So yeah, I’m going off of the fact that if that would have been classified as attachment for Anidala-- which, it would, then. it counts for Obitine.

And then Obi Wan and Satine continue to be hung up on each other for the rest of the eps they’re in, Satine saying in words multiple times how much she loves and cares about him and wishes things could be different, and Obi Wan performing it in actions, risking his own neck and political standing to help her even when she’s a fugitive, probably personally putting in to send his own grandpadawan to help her later.  Right up to the time when Satine decides that she is going to call Obi Wan when she is deposed.  Not the Senate.  Not any powerful politician friends.  Not even the Jedi Order or the Council as a whole.  She calls and addresses her distress call to Obi Wan alone.  And Obi Wan, as now revealed to us by TCW S7, defies Council orders and breaks a century old neutrality treaty to try and bust her, a convicted murderer in the eyes of the Republic and Mandalore, out.  He didn’t even know Maul had her.  Just knew she was in danger and came running to her aid.  He risks starting a potential war to come save her.  They acted so in love that Vizsla was able to guess from being around them for like five seconds, and was able to tell Maul exactly who he would need to bait Obi Wan.

That is where the attachment comes from.  It’s the fact that Obi Wan and Satine tried so, so hard to give each other up and do the right thing, but when it came down to it, they couldn’t lose the other one so they put them first when logically they shouldn’t.  And thus, Satine ended up dead.

Now I know most people will argue with me that actually Filoni means that since they didn’t stay together after the year on the run, THAT is what makes them able to give each other up, and also the fact that Obi Wan didn’t go dark side and murder everyone when Satine died.

But I still think that at least the murder front is a fairly low bar to cross, and anyway, that just because they could live without each other didn’t mean they weren’t still attached.  Anakin and Padmé were apart for 10 years and then even after that, they were apart almost constantly during the war.  Just because they could live apart or even past the other’s death didn’t mean they weren’t attached, as they both still had not let the other go mentally and also broke rules to try and ensure the other would not die, even if the rules said they should let it happen.

So yeah, that’s my big theory.  We can’t compare Obitine with Anidala by saying Obitine was a success story, we compare them by acknowledging that both struggled with attachments and letting the other go, but Obitine at least tried to the bitter end to do the right thing while Anidala didn’t really bother, and both ended up with dead women and broken men regardless, and that is the true sad parallel to me.

[outragedslime]

I'm not that anon and neither am I against meat Roxy but some people don't seem to like that iteration bc of the widely accepted reading of Roxy as a transfeminine character. Idk how much of it is canon-supported and how much is just hcs tho

I mean if ppl liked transfem roxy then go ahead but. I like transmasc roxy and making me tag my own art in a way that lets people blacklist my art out from my blog makes me Super uncomfy. Like?? If u dont like it just unfollow me or if u dont wanna see my art in the roxy tag u can block me its not that deep... idk how to phrase this well but ive so many thoughts abt this. Again ill say i woke up almost 22 hrs ago so im v sleepy so i might phrase things wrong but here we go (also sorry for rambling here but i rly wanna get this out bc its been bothering me for ages and im!! Upset! This big rant isnt specific @ u this is like in general i wanted to type it in a post anyway but i was scared but fuck it ykno.) Id do a read more but im on mobile ill edit it later

Like we all agree that its bad to erase canon gay charas right? So like...why is it g to erase canon trans characters. Like yeah it was a popular headcanon but like......?? Headcanons get deconfirmed sometimes it happens??? It makes me feel like having a woman hc for roxy is more important than having a transmasc canon, which is. A constant self doubt of mine like i worry people will see me as lesser bc im trans and ive also seen it happen! So thats not very nice! To see the fandom treat a canon trans character as "lesser" bc theyre not trans in the way they want!

Also roxy is literally the only positive transmasc character ive ever seen in any piece of media. Ever. So that adds to it. The amnt of ppl who i seen say shit like "give her back u dont deserve her" like? That shit hurts!! Im sorry but it does! Constantly being told that a character being revealed as transmasc is "not worth it" is one of the things that makes me wanna leave the hs fandom bc holy shit!! Thats so transphobic!

Roxy is also rly rly important to me bc ive never seen a canon nb character who uses he/him either and like! I never saw rep lile that! If ur srsly mad abt transmasc roxy and want to be able to filter him out bc u prefer a different hc pls take a step back and look at urself and see how that can be transphobic. Like u can recognise that a character was important to u and like... be mature enough that u dont make ppl feel like shit when they now vibe w that same character? I used to hc transmasc vriska and i drew a few super self indulgent drawings that i didnt post publically and it was a Super important hc to me but i wouldnt draw that again now that vriskas confirmed transfem bc im not an asshole? If u see a trans character and ur first thought is "theyre not trans in the Better way though so i hate this and will make it clear to the people who like this that i hate this" thats transphobic.

Do u have to like transmasc roxy? Fuck no! U dont have to do anything. But srsly @ that anon earlier: like if thats ur reasoning, why would you go to me when i clearly take a lot of comfort in this character (i even Said seratonin time like. I draw roxy and i get an instant boost of euphoria) and imply that u do not want to see it. Like if u do not want to see it u can just unfollow or block me. Instead u make me feel like shit if im being honest! Ik that wasnt the intention so i dont blame u ily n im sorry if im bein angry this has just been building up for a long time. Like "tag this Canon trans character u relate to and love so i dont have to see him" that..doesnt feel good. Pls be mindful of that h,,

Like if u hc roxy as transfem im not gonna stop you like you do you, im not saying this to bash at transfem hcs. But i literally mean it in the nicest way possible, u dont have to interact w my stuff if u dont like it or if it makes u feel bad. Instead of coming to me and making Me feel bad. U can just unfollow and thered be no hard feelings. I draw stuff to make me happy, and if that stuff doesnt make u happy u dont have to stay, but i dont want to post art of the only positive canon transmasc character i know that makes me feel euphoric and tag it deliberately knowing theres people out there who will actively blacklist that specific drawing. Im not saying its bad to blacklist it, u can blacklist it, but im personally rly uncomfortable w that happening w my art of this specific character so if u dont want to see it u can just. Unfollow. Like 100% no hard feelings im not trying to be cheeky i just think itd be most comfortable for everyone involved bc i dont wanna sacrifice my own comfort and euphoria for other ppl.

Sorry for writing so much and ty if u read this ✌

[haeroniel-doliet]

thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird! 

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough  or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try. 

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability. 

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby. 

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit  so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys.