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haemosexuality · 1 year

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insanely long analysis of the ep promise of she-ra <3

(first a bit of S1e10- the beacon)

[Adora is talking to the woods as she-ra.] Just let me fix this, please! I-I can’t let anyone else get hurt. [she transforms back into adora and sits down] Fine. You win. You want me to be weak? Well. I am. And I’m afraid. Because, I-I’m no good at any of this.

God doesn’t that hurt immediately off the bat. “just let me fix this, please” is a perfect summary of adoras entire character. She is so, so desperate to be useful- she needs to help other people, she needs to fix everything and save everyone. She cant let herself be a person, shes a vessel (HRUAHHRAGHHH season 5) to help others, shes a tool and a means to an end. Shes the hero. But shes bad at that, because no matter how much she represses herself, she feels and wants things so strongly all the time. She hopes and begs for direction and destiny but shes terrified of not having control. She will desperately try again and again to be the perfect hero-sacrifice that will heal the world and keep her friends safe but she doesn’t want that, not really, what she wants is to go to parties and hang out with her friends and catra, but she feels she doesn’t deserve that. She cant let herself have anything she wants. But she still does. Shes afraid and shes weak and shes too young for this. Her wanting things so strongly is what ruins everyones plans, shadow weaver’s and light hope’s and horde prime’s. its what saves everyone. This doesn’t have anything to do w the scene I was talking about anymore oops. “I’m no good at any of this” just confirms that, shes bad at being your standard self sacrificing selfless hero in the same way catra was bad at being an unfeeling purely evil villain. She just cant stop being a person

Ok now onto Promise: the ep starts immediately after that scene, with adora going inside the crystal castle looking for answers on how to heal glimmer, and catra following after her looking for tech that she can use (and also to spy on adora bc that might not have been her primary objective but shes not gonna pass up on that chance lol)

“You are not ready yet. You must let go.” “let go of what?” [camera pans to catra] will always be so. Ugh poetic cinema

How did anyone ever trust light hope lmao immediately from the first time she shows up shes all like “free yourself of all of your earthly attachments and join my hero training course”. Also, again, adora’s attachment to catra (and glimmer and bow) has always been the main thing saving her from falling head first into self sacrificial bullshit. She cant let go of her. She will never fully let go of her.

Catra: What's going on? Why are those things trying to kill us?

She-Ra: They're trying to kill you. This place sees you as an invader.

Catra: Well, can't you tell them to stop?

She-Ra: [incredulously, frustrated] No, I can't tell them to stop! Clearly nothing in here is listening to me!

Oh I just realized something. The crystal castle is a place that was made for adora and caters to her, and it sees catra as an invader. Much like how in the Horde, adora was favoritized and shadow weaver’s center of attention while catra was mistreated and discarded. Seen as an invasion, a corrupting force in Adora’s life. The one thing adora cant control in the crystal castle is how it reacts to catra, it activates security protocol no matter what she does, like how adora could never fully protect catra from shadow weaver and the others. Even throughout the episode and at the end, we see catra fighting tooth and nail to survive everything the castle throws at her while adora undermines her (“I had it.” “Sure you did.”), and by the end all her fighting pays off and she comes out victorious, like how she goes up in the horde until shes effectively its lord. The crystal castle (im just gonna call it CC) literally becomes the fright zone throught the simulation too I cant believe I didn’t get this before

Catra: Anyway, what are you doing here? [angrily, sarcastically] Where are your new best friends? I thought you guys did eVeRyThInG together.

The similarity between this and the flashback scene where we see a child catra say “go eat with your new best friend lonnie! I know you like her better than me. Youre supposed to me my friend” really shows how immature they still are I think. Not as a like, inherent character flaw or smth, they just weren’t raised in a place where emotional maturity is a thing you learn. They were never taught how to deal with their emotions in any way, other than “repress it really hard, hit someone and blow up a civilian”. Of course theyre emotionally stunted. This probably also contributes to both of them’s very black and white way of thinking. Also theyre still in the 17-18 range so like literally theyre teens. Just goes to show that them being separated for a while was necessary, bc they needed to break off their codependency to be able to grow as people and mature emotionally, that would never happen if they stayed together and just enabling each others toxic traits, instead of being able to have a healthy relationship like they do after the end.

Something I also never considered before is why the CC showed them the memories it did? Like. Was it light hope that chose those? I assume so since she not only has shown she can do that but also watched adora her entire life so she knows all her memories. Did she specifically pick out painful memories that she thought would tear them further apart? It seems obvious now but I just never thought ab this before. The first memory shown does go against that tho, its just baby adora and catra being cute. Maybe she wanted to show them how much their relationship had deteriorated?

↑ gay

Ooooouough this is when it starts to hurt pray for my emotional stability

Adora: ...Can I ask you something?

Catra: Can I stop you?

Adora: ...Why did you help me escape after Shadow Weaver captured us?

Catra: Not this again.

Adora: It's the one thing I can't figure out. You didn't have to do that. You could've gotten caught...why risk it? [Rock on the edge crumbles beneath her; yelps] Whoa, whoa, whoa--!

Catra: Did you really think I'd just let Shadow Weaver erase your memory like that?

Adora: I dunno. Probably.

[Adora grunts as Catra pulls her up]

Catra: Yeah, well, you never did have too much faith in me.

Adora: Can you blame me?

Catra: Not really.

This is so. Ugh. I love adora but especially in the first season shes so.. girl what are you doing!!!! How can she be so ignorant. Obviously I know how but. Augh so much of catra’s hurt stems from this… when I say that adora was fully, totally brainwashed by the horde, I don’t mean just that she believed their propaganda about the war, or whatever bullshit shadow weaver ingrained in her about her purpose. She also believed what they all said about catra. To a lesser extend, obviously, and she loved catra with all of herself- but she did still believe catra was a bit lazy, kinda disrespectful, uncaring, etc. and I cant even totally blame her, because catra actively tried to make herself seem all those things. Catra didn’t want to let anyone know how hard she tried, how much she hurt, so she played up the “aloof, lazy student/soldier who doesn’t care about anything” role as much as she could. But still, god, the way adora treated her must have hurt so much. “you never did have too much faith in me” absolutely breaks my heart. Catra cared about adora so much. She cared about adora more than anything in her life. Obviously she would do anything to prove herself once she can, look at how even the person who loved her the most thought about her. Im gonna talk more ab this later there are better scenes for that. But also I CANNOT BELIEVE ADORA IN THIS!!! GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!! WDYM CAN U BLAME ME YES I CAN (ignore the part where I said I couldn’t) DON’T JUST SAY THAT SHE SAVED YOUR LIFE. OH MY GOD ok. Being a catra, an adora, and a catradora stan means sometimes u really want to slap s1 adora in the face. For multiple reasons. and the fact catra agrees too…. Catra hates herself so much. She truly honestly believes shes a bad person and it breaks my heart. And unfortunately for everyone, catra has shown that she'll always play a role that shes assigned to the max. everyone believed that shes a villain, she believed that shes a villain, so by fucking god shes gonna be a villain.

putting the rest of this under a readmore bc its longggg

her tail touching adoras hand i am on the floor

Catra: It wasn't all bad growing up in the Fright Zone, was it? I mean, you still have some good memories, right? (dont trust the subtitles in the pics theyre wrong)

THIS scene destroys me. Catra’s so- she always knew the horde was evil, ok, she always knew their childhood was bad. But she endured it for adora. To catra, all the happy memories they made growing up were worth it- all for adora. It didn’t matter what they did. Only to see adora throw all these moments away the moment she realized the rest of it was bad? God, catra mustve felt like she was garbage to adora. Something that wasn’t even worth thinking about once she had the opportunity of something better. Shes very aloof here, as always, but she probably feels a bit desperate- was it worth it for you too? Did any of it matter to you? Where you just miserable the entire time?

Adora: Of course I do. But it doesn't change the fact that the Horde is evil. I had no choice. I couldn't go back.

This is adora’s biggest problem tho. She had no choice, she couldn’t go back. She never feels like she can choose anything based on what she actually wants. Shes always, always driven by this need to do good, the right thing. And this is where theyre most incompatible at first, because while catra only cares about adora and that’s her priority, adora has Morals and puts the greater good over her personal relationships, which to catra makes it seem like she doesn’t care about her. Her happy memories were absolutely worth it to adora, but theyre not more important than the good of the entire world. (I don’t think adora having a sense of morality and not wanting to side with a military empire is a bad thing, catra was the villain of the show for a reason and the reason is that obviously working for something that wants to take over the world is bad. Im just explaining how this is what drove them apart, how catras mind works, and to an extend why you can understand her side and emphatize with her even if she was in the wrong. That trait of adora’s does get bad when she starts acting like she needs to kill herself for that greater good tho.)

them taking a moment to play-fight in the middle of all of that makes me want to sobbbbb 😭😭😭

TINY LITTLE BABIESSSSSSSSSSS Young Catra: What was that? Way to gang up on me!

Young Lonnie: You were fighting dirty. I was just leveling the field.

[Catra shakes and growls in anger as Adora walks up and places a hand on Catra's shoulder]

Young Adora: Hey, you were awesome! Did I hurt you?

Young Catra: No, I'm fine. You're just lucky I let you win.

Young Adora: Riiiiiiiight.

Young Catra: I'm serious! [scoffs] If I came in first, people might expect me to actually start doing stuff around here. Trust me, second place suits me just fine.

Young Adora: Yeah, okay.

EVERYTHING I SAID BEFORE. you can see catra was obviously extremely upset that she didn’t win, but admitting that would be admitting defeat. She shrinks herself to fit into this “no im fine, im chill, im not even trying in fact. I don’t care” attitude, because that hurts less than admitting that shes trying so, so hard but no one believes in her and she keeps losing to adora (mostly bc the other cadets and staff favoritize adora over her, and discriminate against her, making it harder for her to succeed in anything). And adora believes her. “second place suits me just fine” was the mantra catra kept telling herself through her entire life to try and feel less hurt about living in adoras shadow.

though it wasn’t working, and her resentment towards adora kept growing more and more.

oh this scene could be ab so many things. Catra literally slipping through her fingers. A parallel to earlier, when catra held onto adora and helped her up, while here theyre torn apart by a force stronger than them. How adora tried but couldn’t save catra. Aughh

and here, we see how capable catra is. Shes both extremely strong (able to rip herself out of… whatever that is) and extremely smart, even under pressure (in seconds she figures out where she has damage this thing shes never seen before so it stops working)

only for adora to come in, “save the day” after she had already saved herself, and act all. “sure you did” about it. Again, making absolutely clear catra knows she doesn’t believe in her.

Adora: What is your problem? I was just trying to save you.

Catra: For the last time, I don't need you to save me. I've been doing just fine on my own. No thanks to you.

That says everything on its own. Adora doesn’t understand why catra is hurt/angry, she doesn’t even understand how what she said undermines catra. And catra is extremely bitter that adora keeps acting like That. Also, something I haven’t touched on is that adora leaving the horde put catra in so much danger. She was the only thing providing catra with even the slightest bit of protection, which catra -hated- but absolutely depended on, since shadow weaver had made clear that catra was -only ever kept alive because of adora-. Adora defecting put catra in danger not only of the other cadets targeting her, but of death. Catra was left all alone to survive in those conditions, and she did, and now adora keeps acting like catra needs her to save her.

Adora: Catra, wait. ...I'm sorry for leaving. I couldn't go back to the Fright Zone, not after I saw what the Horde was really doing. something that must have stung too is the idea that adora saw innocent people suffering, and that led her to realize that the horde was bad. But she had seen catra being abused by the horde their whole life, and yet still thought the horde was good. What does that say about how adora saw catra? Did she think catra deserve it, wasn’t innocent enough for that violence to be unwarranted? Was her suffering not enough for adora to realize how fucked up that was? (again, we’re able to know that it wasn’t that, adora was just as abused as catra, watching someone be physically abused is also extremely traumatized and kids will learn to justify the abuse theyre experiencing to themselves or others and might not realize its wrong u cant expect a kid to know how to act in a situation like that she was in as much survival mode as catra was and her trying to keep herself in shadow weaver’s good side was just her desperately trying to keep herself safe etc etc this is from catras perspective) I never wanted to leave you. ...You could come with me! You-you-you could join the rebellion! I know you're not a bad person, Catra. You don't belong with the Horde.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA this hurts so much. Adora might have internalized some of what the horde said ab catra and catra might have felt that 10 times as strong than it actually was but adora never actually believed catra was a bad person. Shes probably the only one (before scorpia and entrapta) that Didn’t think catra was destined to be a disgrace, to be bad. And its so sad bc even with all their flaws she loves catra so so much and she wants catra to come with her so much. Adora now has access to a life where she has the opportunity to be happy and she so desperately wants to give catra that same life. She knows catra deserves better and she can see that now more clearly than ever. But its too late, catra is too hurt and too angry to follow her and even if at this point adoras words might have some effect on her, its about to get so much worse. :(

Fuck this next part is going to hurt. Ok

Shadow Weaver: [screams angrily] Get out!

[Young Adora cries out in alarm as dark magic encloses the exit]

Shadow Weaver: Catra... [young Adora turns to see young Catra's form enveloped in a paralyzing, zapping magic] ...you stay.

[Young Catra grunts as she is forced to stand]

Shadow Weaver: What do you think you're doing in here?

[Shadow Weaver makes young Catra turn, feet squeaking on the floor as she does so without picking up her feet; Shadow Weaver clicks her mask back in place]

Catra: [fearfully] We were just playing.

Shadow Weaver: [hatefully] Insolent child. I've come to expect such disgraceful behavior from you. But I will not allow you to drag Adora down as well.

Adora: [pleading] Shadow Weaver, it wasn't her fault, it was my idea, too!

Shadow Weaver: [hatefully, still talking to Catra] You have never been anything more than a nuisance to me! I've kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you, but if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself. [slowly, enunciating] Do you understand?

Adora: [runs between them, throwing her arms out to protect young Catra; pleading] Please stop!

[The dark magic dissipates back into Shadow Weaver's cloak as she groans and moves back toward the Garnet; Young Adora and young Catra share a look before young Adora runs over to Shadow Weaver]

Adora: She didn't mean to!

Shadow Weaver: [placidly, attempting to soothe] Adora, you must do a better job of keeping her under control. [Shadow Weaver finally lets young Catra out of the paralyzing magic and she grunts as she falls to the ground] Do not let something like this happen again. [she pats young Adora's head as young Catra looks on]

Transcripts and screenshots cannot properly convey the dread of this scene. In a flashback, catra and adora are caught by shadow weaver playing in a place they weren’t supposed to be in, and shadow weaver paralyzes catra with electric magic we know is extremely painful to be caught in, and threatens her life. Catra and adora look to be like, between 6-7 years old in this scene. Theres so much happening here. This lays the foundation to basically everything that happens in the show.

First off, shadow weaver singles out, physically hurts catra, and blames her for something that adora initiated. then, she makes it clear that she sees catra and someone that is bad, and she doesn’t expect anything else from her. And, she says catra is a bad influence in adora’s life, tainting whats perfect, and that tells her that every time after this that adora “acts out”, will be catra’s fault.

she tells catra that, if she ever feels like catra is “ruining” adora, she will get killed. From now on, adora’s friendship is literally what is keeping catra alive. This will, understandably, fuck their relationship up a little bit and also make catra incredibly dependent on adora. She will do anything to keep being adora’s friend and she will have to make sure that shadow weaver doesn’t feel like she is making adora behave out of line or that she isn’t becoming better than adora, isn’t taking her number 1 spot away from her.

she goes on to tell adora, who has been watching all of this, that its her job to make sure catra is kept in line. She’s seen what happens when she doesn’t. this will make adora feel incredibly responsible for catras well being, and like she has to constantly save catra and beg for catra to act right, otherwise catra will get hurt and itll be her fault. On the other hand, adora is a child who just saw someone get tortured, and subconsciously shes gonna make sure to always stay in shadow weavers good side, not only bc if she doesn’t then catra gets punished but because she does not want that to happen to her too.

catra, who was frozen and electrocuted and berated, saw adora get gently talked to, “reassured”, and receive physical affection.

that results in catra growing up both extremely attached and extremely bitter of adora, for “having it easy” and always acting like shes her savior, while she has to constantly walk on eggshells (on a minefield, honestly) so she doesn’t get physically abused. She starts resenting adora as anything she does gets blamed on her, and shes forced to live as her shadow, her bad influence, the devil to adora’s angel. And in adora having a major savior/messiah complex, she feels like shes responsible for saving everyone, and every time someone gets hurt its her fault. She will live the rest of her life trying fix and save everything, because if she can’t then what good is she?

understanding that this is where all of their motivations, flaws, traumas and personalities come from will help u understand the entire show better tbh. It all comes down to shadow weaver. [Young Adora and Catra are walking down a hall in the Fright Zone, just after this incident; they walk past a pillar and become Present Adora and Catra again]

Catra: You always need to play the hero, don't you?

Adora: I was only trying to protect you.

Catra: You never protected me! Not in any way that would put you on Shadow Weaver's bad side.

[Scene transitions to Young Adora and Catra in the same place]

Young Catra: Admit it. You love being her favorite!

Young Adora: That's not true!

Young Catra: Oh, yeah? [glitches back to Present Catra (and Adora)] When you left, who do you think took the fall for you? Who was protecting me then?

Adora: You don't have to let Shadow Weaver treat you like that anymore. You can leave--[glitches back to Young Adora and Catra]--just like I did!

Young Catra: Oh, because I need to follow you everywhere you go?!

Young Adora: I didn't mean it that way.

[glitches back to Present Adora and Catra]

Catra: I don't. Want. To leave. What don't you understand about that? I'm not afraid of Shadow Weaver anymore, and I'm a better Force Captain than you would've ever been.

[glitches back to Young Adora and Catra]

Young Adora: You always said you didn't care about things like that...

Young Catra: [crying] Well, I was lying, obviously!

[glitches back to Present Adora and Catra; Catra begins to walk away]

Adora: Catra, just wait!

Catra: Why do you think I gave the sword back to you in the Fright Zone? I didn't want you to come back, Adora!

That scene lays out everything I said so perfectly I don’t even have anything to add.

This scene where catra is running through a simulation of all her most painful memories and desperately screams LET! ME! OUT OF HERE!! perfectly represents what spiraling like that feels like

[a younger Catra, maybe 5 or younger, is crying and hiding her face in a blanket on their bunk in the Fright Zone]

Young Adora: [peers from around a doorway] ...Catra?

[Young Catra continues to sob as Young Adora walks to her; Young Adora peels back the cover from Young Catra's face, and Young Catra hisses]

Young Adora: Catra, it's okay, it's just me. It doesn't matter what they do to us, you know? You look out for me, and I look out for you. Nothing really bad can happen as long as we have each other.

Young Catra and Present Catra: You promise?

Young Adora: I promise.

And then the promise. Everything catra went through, all the abuse and bullying, she put up with all of it because of this. She held onto their promise until the end. But the moment adora decided to leave the horde, she broke their promise.

as the memory-simulation ends, young catra gives a look to present catra. One that probably said, remember this. Remember how much you mean for each other. Don’t break your part of the promise. But this isn’t how catra takes it at all. all this tells catra, all that this entire day has told catra, is how terrible adora is. Adora ruined her life. Adora lied to her, said they’d be together forever only to abandon her. Adora forced her to be in her shadow. Adora is the reason shadow weaver never treated her right. She looks at her younger self and thinks, I'll avenge you. Im never gonna let anyone hurt you ever again. Im going to show all of them how strong I can be, ill rise to the top and ill be unstoppable. Im never letting anybody put me down ever again.

(and then is season 5, seeing a younger version of herself is also what makes her realize how wrong she was, how this isn’t the path she wants to take. Its what motivates her to get better, be better. Thinking about herself as a child kickstarted both her descent into being a villain and her redemption arc/recovery.) [Adora is holding onto dear life to some ropes or smth that are keeping her from falling off a cliff. Catra shows up]

Adora: [hopeful] Catra?

Catra: [holding the sword, rubs a finger along its side] Hey, Adora.

Adora: [pleading] Catra, help me, please...

Catra: [contemplatively unhurried] This thing wouldn't work for me if I tried, would it? It only works for you. Then again, you're special. That's what Shadow Weaver always said.

Adora: Catra...what are you doing?

Catra: Ah, you know? It all makes sense now. You've always been the one holding me back. You wanted me to think I needed you. You wanted me to feel weak. Every hero needs a sidekick, right?

Adora: [desperately] Catra, no, that's not how it was...

Catra: [laughs humorlessly] The sad thing is, I've spent all this time hoping you'd come back to the Horde, when really you leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so much stronger than anyone ever thought.

I wonder what I could've been if I'd gotten rid of you sooner...

[Catra cuts the last of the rope holding Adora up; Adora shrieks as she falls, catching a rock handhold on the way down]

Adora: I-I'm sorry! I never meant to make you feel like you were second best! Please don't do this!

[Catra looks at the sword, then tosses it into the chasm; it clangs on the way down, Adora gasps lightly]

Catra: Bye, Adora. I really am going to miss you.

And then she fucking lion kings adora. The fucking episode ever number 1 villain origin story of the century catra you will always be everything to me. Writing this took 6 hours im so tired. And then the episode ends with light hope once more telling adora she needs to let go AUGH so good. I need to go to sleep. if you read all of this i love u i hope u liked it <3 also u might like this post also

#writing this was exhausting omg #its 5:30am i begun writing this before midnight #sorry ab the quality of some of the pics i had to make sure this fit the 30 pics limit #also i am not a writer! i apologize for how messy this is!#theyre literally everything to me..#she ra #catra #adora #catradora

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grntaire · 1 year

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oversharing on the internet again lol

i kinda think i should break up w my partner and im super sad and confused abt it bc like. i love him very much and he is an incredibly kind person and is rly funny and attractive and all of these things and yet. i still feel like something is missing. like i never felt a magnetism to him or butterflies or anything like that? i would get excited when he'd text me and i would look forward to seeing him but i think i just need someone who matches my energy more? i'm definitely more outgoing than he is which is ironic bc i'm really not extroverted in the traditional sense. like i can talk to ppl plenty once i'm comfortable but it takes me a bit to get there. and truthfully being the more outgoing one in a relationship is not really a pressure i can handle. i'm also like, the only one who ever suggests we go out and do stuff. i genuinely can't remember the last time or if he's ever suggested we go out on a date, ever, and ik he doesn't mostly because of money which i get, and also bc he's very much the type of person who any quality time is good quality time and doesn't need to go out on dates to know that but it's really important to me and i've told him that and he's never done anything abt it. also when we do go out i usually end up paying for the both of us bc he's a full time student rn and i was working full time for a while and could kind of afford it but also like, no i couldn't lol. that's not to say he doesn't do anything for me ever, quite the opposite, really. like i don't drive bc Trauma so he has to drive an hour just to see me and he does it gladly, he's also given me so many rides to work before too. not to say we've been too transactional bc for the most part we've been okay about it but at the end of the day i think i just feel love on like, a bigger scale than he does, or i want a love that feels bigger than this. i am definitely more of a romantic than i let myself admit and idk i am so scared that i would be settling if i stayed with him.

but also generally i'm in an odd place w my life. i'm living at home again and i'm putting off my student teaching again so i can save up money and get my breast reduction and all that and i went through a whole career crisis bc graduating college in 2020 and starting grad school immediately that fall fucking sucked and i had wicked bad burn out that i'm still recovering from and i really struggled with whether or not with my love for music and if i still wanted to teach it. im finally in a place where i know its what i love and it's what i want to do, though, which is nice. i also need to restart therapy (doing so at the end of the month) and work thru my trauma so i can get my license bc oh man is it catching up to me and dealing w the guilt of ppl having to drive me places is slowly driving me nuts. so part of me is like idk maybe its not him maybe its everything else. or maybe its all of it. but it just feel like my life right now is so crowded and i just cant handle it all and my gut is saying i need space from him. but i'll miss him so much, too. fuck this fucking sucks lmao

#personal

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iwannabeastarstarrockmann · 1 year

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I was delusional to think this year would be different. TW:SH/ED

why are moms so toxic? i cant remember one birthday in which everything went smoothly ansd i truly felt loved by her. she has always made it clear to me that im not enough, she has sacrificed too much for me, im a waste of space, im a lazy sack of shit and she wished she never had me or my sister.

I just woke up a couple hours ago really excited because she stayed out late last night so I didn't get a chance to talk with her (we were starting to get along weirdly) and my birthday is tomorrow so I wanted to hear what her plans were and instead she yelled at me for not getting up earlier, for not having a job yet, (even though I had to quit my last one because of her and I've been applying for jobs ever since) she said I should stop using being autistic as an excuse because I'm "not really autistic", I'm "completely normal, I'm just a giant asshole"

why would she say that??! and then to make matters worse, a family friend is planning to make me food for tomorrow and so my mom said the least I could do to earn such a gift that I don't deserve, I should go swimming with her in her pool, although I cannot because I recently relapsed heavily and have sh scars all over my arms and legs and I would rather politely decline a swim rather than worrying everyone I know and love. so anyway, I couldn't tell my mom why I couldn't swim so I just said I'm really not feeling up to it and she replied with "okay well then, you're dead to me" and strangely as punishment forbid me from using her shower ever again?? I have a shower, but it's infested with mold, and we didn't find that out until I passed out after a shower, so I think that means I really am dead to her?? ouch!

I'm really sad though, more so because we just bought groceries and now, I may be wasting food because I'm fasting. how can I be a good anorexic though when my fear of wasting food overpowers my fear of gaining?? idk maybe I'll just cook for everyone else on my bday, that is, if I knew anyone to cook for. I also feel bad for not swimming with our friend especially because she is cooking a whole feast for me! something my mother would never be caught dead doing. a lot of my issues with food come from having no structure nor comfort in my household growing up, i went from eating too much to never eating enough. i love it though when i see family friends and they are always telling me that ive gotten too skinny and i need to eat more, and as a result always cook food for me and lecture my mom for not paying attention to me, not that shes obligated to, as im almost 20, but as long as im stuck with her due to finances and just a tad bit of codependency, she should be a little nicer to me right??

am I crazy for thinking that regardless of my age or life situation, when I'm home it should feel like home?? if I were going to college no one would question me for still being here, I'm just trying to save up some money but every time I do, my mom demands to borrow it and then threatens me that she won't pay me back if I don't do this or that for her. did I mention that she always plays the victim too?

she genuinely believes that the world owes her something. she thinks because of her disability, people should bow down to her and cater to her every need! that is so immature! its every man for themselves, if you can't hold yourself accountable, how do you expect your life to improve? doing the same thing over and over with no result gets you nowhere! that's insanity, its naive. I don't want to waste my life catering to her when I spent the first 19 years of my life being the adult and her being the child. I deserved better.

now I just want her to see how terrible of a job she did by rotting away. I don't care anymore, I know that's selfish but I just don't care about anything anymore, I want to starve, I don't want to eat anymore. I know better than to starve myself, but it feels so damn validating when I'm losing weight.

#ed bllog #ed relapse #tw ana diary #tw ana shit #tw ed diet #ed vent #i only harm myself and no one else #i wanna be weightless #starv1ng #starv3 #tw ana fast #ana trigger #ana and mia #emotional abuse #mommy issues #tw sh related #i wanna be perfect

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fossys · 9 months

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i wish i was anyone but me i want to be someone else i want to have money so i can do things i dont want to be a syste i dont want to be autistic i dont want to bbe disabled i just. i cant fucking do ANYTHIGN without money even if i was still me sure still disabled still a system still autisitc if i was RICH i could do so much,,,, even if i was limited by everything about me at least i could have my hobbies!!! i could spend money when i need without breaking down over being told indulging in my interests is a waste!!! i could afford to spend money to practice on hings i want to get better at them so i could be skilled i just i cant do anything unless its a guarentee i cant afford the risk of it failing because then its all a FUCKING WASTE he always tells me im wasting money whats the point of seeing that movie again yovue seen it its a waste of money why do you keep buying albums its a waste you can listen to the songs online why do you keep buying keychains you dont need more why do you buy toys you dont need them they just sit on your shelf why do you waste money on food we have stuff in the house why do you pay for that subscription you could jjust pirate it why do you do ANYTHING it all fucking COSTS MONEY i think he wants to be supportive ihe always tells me i need to save more that i need to be more responsible im a teenager why am i supposed to be saving for my future im not even gonna have a future . he thinks hes helping. i think he does. hes not i just. i impulse buy things ayways and its a WATSE and then he gets annoyed n now i canted buy anything without regretting it forever am i even worth the money why does he buy my foods when we have other ones why does he even give me money when im just wasting it why does he even listen when i tell him thing its not like doctors are ever gonna find whats wrong with me so why does he keep wasting money on appointments im just. i wish i wasnt me i really do maybe in another life im not such a fuking waste

#vent #please reply #personal

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kim-hao-han · 2 years

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A Leap Of Faith // Five Hargreeves X Reader (Pt.3)

Some info: Just an inspo from Demon Slayer (totally irrelevant), “Below the Surface” FNAF(also irrelevant) and of course “The Umbrella Academy” show and comics. Reader and Five are 20 for the sake of being mature content (no smut but violence, alcohol and such). I kinda follow the real plot but also not???? There may be multiple endings so be warned. I’m not new to fanfiction but its been a few years so excuse any mistake or not well written parts. Also, English is not my first language so bear with me for any grammar mistakes. Please enjoy the story!! <3

Words: 1.7k

TRIGGERS: Below story has some harsh language and plot. Read on your own account

/Part 1/

/Part 2/

5 days until the end

2 days had already passed by so quickly. They had wasted 2 days looking for the owner of that fake eyeball and saving Delores. Y/n was a bit annoyed by it. Annoyed yes, totally not jealous like Klaus said. Why would she be jealous? Because Five was so caring to that doll? The way his eyes sparkled when he looked at her? How he held her? How he spoke to her and about her? There was no way Y/N was jealous. What annoyed her was Fives behavior. Since they got back to their younger bodies he totally ignored her.

“Five you need to eat-“ “I can’t right now. I’m working cant you see?”

“Five, Vanya behaves weird maybe we shou-“ “Not now Y/n…Delores and I are trying to save the world. Not play around with Vanya”

“Five…hey em…Cha-Cha and Hazel killed Diego’s cop friend. We sh-“ “FOR GOD’S SAKE Y/N. Leave me alone! I don’t need you anymore okay? You did your part. Now screw off”

That hit her hard. She knew him. Working 20 plus years with him she knew he was short tempered and a workaholic but this was pushing it. “Fine, if you don’t need me, I’ll handle it on my own.” She only said that but for him it meant nothing. He didn’t even spare her a glance or a thought. He didn’t really believe her. He believed she would be back rubbing his back and offering him a cup of coffee. The next morning came and he didn’t see her or hear anything from her but he didn’t pay too much mind into it. “I guess she’ll finally let me work in peace.”

Meanwhile y/n was looking around with Diego and following the two assassins. Driving an ice cream track was never a good idea but Klaus, who tagged along for some drug money, didn’t really get his hands on anything else. What they didn’t expect is to pass by Five and Luther and the Commissions assassins. Y/N stopped the car and immediately ran to their side. “Y/n where have you been?” Five asked her and grabbed her wrist. She just pulled away not even sparing a glance at him.

An eye for an eye.

Five sighed and looked at Cha-cha as she shot towards Luther but before he could move or do anything everything stopped. He knew what this was or….who it was. He immediately turned to y/n whose face became like a ghost’s. He pulled her behind him when the Handler walked to them. “I’m pretty impressed by your little trick. This body switching really threw the commission off your tracks. You two certainly make great assassins.” She said and clapped her hands. “Too bad it has to end” Five said and took out his gun pointing it straight to her head. “Oh fivey, you never learn. I’m not here to fight you. I’m here to make a deal with you.” She looked at y/n and smirked.” Both of you….I offer you a chance. Work for us again. Not assassins but as management. Great pension, good money and a life of peacefulness and no more killing.” Five squinted his eyes looking at her. “What’s in it for you? Why are you willing to strike a deal with us?” he asked and held y/n close. Her breathing was uneven as she looked at the Handler. Yes, she was like her mother figure but that didn’t erase what she put her through. “My two exceptionally good assassins are out of work. Of course, that makes me worry.” She said and lit up her smoke. “So? Do we have a deal?” she asked and looked at the two of them.

Right at that moment Five turned and looked at y/n. He gave her a small smile. “You have to promise me to things. You’ll do everything you can so that my family survives the apocalypse…and y/n will stay here with them-“ “Five no!” y/n automatically said but the Handler bit her to it “Deal!” she said and shook fives hand immediately disappearing. Time starting moving again and y/n fell to her knees. “You little fucker….” She said and clenched her fist. “I’ll show you what I can do” She said and stood up. She looked around at Cha-Cha and Hazel. “Your fucking suitcase is in your motel room. Go get it. Boys lets go” She looked at Five’s brothers and nodded her head. She helped Diego up since he had hurt his arm and walked to the car.

3 days before the end

A couple days had passed since Five left them in the soon to be destroyed world in order to work for the commission. Y/N as confused. They had gone through so much together and in only a few days he had declared she was useless to him now and he had left her off to die in the apocalypse. The siblings were downstairs trying to find a way to save the world. Luther obsessed with his father and his moon research. Allison debating whether to leave Luther lone or go see her daughter before the end. Klaus close to a relapse and Diego dedicated to lead and try to save the world. A whole mess she didn’t want anything to do with. Y/N left them talk and headed to five’s room. Maybe there she would be able to find an answer. Any answer would do. She didn’t doubt his brain. She knew she wasn’t smart or a great leader or anything worth fighting for but she had to at least try and not disappoint him again. Searching through his walls her brain started to became lost. She was close to giving up. She was debating doing so. “In the end…I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help five” she thought to herself and sat down at the bed. It was dark in the room as five never liked the daylight. She brought her knees to her chest and closed her eyes. Before she could realize, she drifted to an old place she didn’t want to remember.

“Come on y/n. Don’t disappoint me or you will end up in the chamber again.” The Handler said at the microphone as she looked at y/n through the glass. This was a typical daily training for y/n. Herself locked in a room with a small rabbit. “B-But mother I don’t like killing.” She said as she cried and rubbed her eyes. Her 6 year old self couldn’t handle killing a sweet looking bunny. “I wont repeat myself y/n. Get inside that bunny’s head and kill it!” She said and y/n let out a whimper. She felt herself doze off. Next thing she saw was the poor bunny smashed against the wall. She fell to her knees crying when the Handler walked inside and rubbed her back. “Good job my daughter. I know its hard but you will get better at it.” She said as she looked at the little girl. “M-Mom my heart hurts…I’m in pain” y/n managed to say between her sobs. The handler just smiled. “It’s from the shock my dear. It’ll get better.” One small detail? It didn’t…

As Y/N was growing up so did the animals. The rabbit became a cat, the cat a dog and so on. Until Y/N was 16, that’s when The Handler presented the first human victim to her. Y/N was exhausted. Black circles under her eyes, bony like structure, nightmares every night. “Miss I can’t.” She had stopped calling her mom a long time ago. She had figured that a mother figure or someone who loved you wouldn’t never do this to you. “Y/N! We talked about this. You are ready. Now I don’t think you like the chamber that much do you?” The handler said through the microphone once again. “The chamber….” y/n whispered and swallowed hard. The dark small chamber which scared her for life. She took a deep breath too calm her trembling body. The cries and begs of the man opposite of her annoying her to the point she couldn’t focus. “He needs to shut up” she whispered and closed her eyes dozing off. Her mind wandered away. To a place where her and her sister Lila were innocent. A place where they fell in love, played, danced and had fun. A smile came to her face despite what was actually happening in the room. The man’s face got the exact same smile as her only for him to be crying and begging to be spared. Slowly his hands reached for the knife next to him and he forcefully opened his mouth cutting off his tongue. Y/N’s face turned into a painful one as The Handler looked at the result satisfied. Next thing she knew the man broke his neck falling down before y/n snapped out of it. She put her hand on her chest in pain breathing heavily. “We need to work on your control my little y/n. You need to be aware of what you do to them. I know every death is like a suicide to you but you have to snap out of it and realize you are not the one dying” The Handler said as she unlocked the door. “You are free to rest. Gloria will bring you some food later.” Y/N weakly stood up looking anywhere but the man in front of her.

This had become her new everyday routine. Humans was the main goal of the Handler and she managed to create or should we say cultivate y/n into a controlled killer. The Handler thought she was successful on creating a legacy, two strong killers…until they found five. That’s when she saw y/n slowly drifting away and falling. A leap of faith that no one in the commission should do.

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itsnotanurlitsakeyboardsmash · 2 years

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OMFG I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS EPISODE!!!!

WE GET MORE VEE (my daughter) and she's SO FUCKING PRECIOUS!! I'm almost happy that she's going to stay in the human realm bc if anything bad happens to her i swear to god and the devil im going to kill someone. But i need to see her at least a few more times before the finale or else im going to die, she gives me so much brain juice and keeps me alive.

THE ANIMATION IS FUCKING GREAT!!!! They really need to pay their animators more bc the fight scenes were sooooo good! Easly best fight coreography in the whole show up until now! (yes it beats old blood young souls and eclipse lake and by a lot in my opinion)

HUNTER IF LOOKING GREAT! At first i as also a bit skeptic about the new haircut, and they rally did bait us. The hair thingy is back AND he now has brwon eyes AND those cool scars...OH god this is a good character redesign. (also dont make me think about flapjack, im in denial right now if anyone says anything to remind me of that Heartwrenching scene im going to strangle them,flapjack is fine, flapjack is fine and hes taking a nap into Hunter's shirt, FLAPJACK IS ABSOLUTLEY FINE AND HES TAKING A NAP INTO HUNTER'S SHIRT) Camila has the best mom energy ever! They rally handled her charater very well! It would have been esy to focus on the kids and keep Camila in the background as the "supportive mom" character and making her stay behind in the human realm...BUT THEY DIDNT! We get to see more of her own character and insecurities and...OH MY FUCKING GOD SHES GOING TO BEAT BELOS TO DEATH WITH A BAT IN THE FINALE IM SURE! The way she tries to care best for the kids in a way similar to how Eda cared for Luz, trying to figure out what foods do they prefere and what is good or not for them, how she DIVES HEAD FIRST INTO THE LAKE TO SAVE HER CHILDREN, how she rallies Luz into not giving up on her friends and her dreams by going with her into the demon realm (also to make sure everyone is safe). BY GOD SHES THE BEST MOM EVER! If it werent't 6:30 AM where I live I would keep ranting on and on but im going to keep at it for now.

GO AT IT DANA&TEAM! THIS SHOW IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!! CANT WAIT FOR THE NEXT TWO PARTS!!

even if knowing that its going to end soon makes me sad knowing its going to end with another two episodes LIKE THIS ONE is more than enough to console me.

#this fucking show #its beautiful #toh #the owl house season three #the owl house camila #the owl house spoilers #the owl house season 3 #the owl house #hunter toh #camila noceda #vee toh #vee appreciation post #vee noceda

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cripple-cat · 5 months

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screaming into the void about my personal issues for a moment

i know how to be independent

i am repeatedly prevented from being independent

i love my mom but her love for me is still tied to me being unable to live without her, which hasnt been true since i was nine. her boyfriend thinks i dont know anything about the world and cant think or do anything for myself because im disabled and his girlfriends kid. when i lived with my dad before he threw me away like fucking garbage, i was almost entirely supporting myself and my pets because he absolutely refused to support me. i paid that man rent. i am an adult man.

i am repeatedly prevented from being independent, and then villified for not being independent.

i am grateful that my mom is supporting me while i get my degree, but i never asked her to. she has always wanted me to get a college education and now i am, and it makes me dependent on her, therefore she loves me. shes not even paying my tuition or anything actually college related, she made me take on student loans, and i will be saddled with that debt for the rest of my life because she was unwilling to let me work for a couple years while letting her foot the bill for me for everything else so i could save up. i have a life-long debt that i will never pay off because of her need to make me dependent on her.

i didnt learn to drive from either of my parents. my dad is a shitbag, so i obviously didnt learn from him. my mom screamed and panicked and struck me in the chest because she was so afraid of me driving. i only drove with her three times before i just couldnt safely do it anymore. the only other time i drove with her was the first time i drove on the road. it was in a fucked up that couldnt accelerate past 45mph, could not hard brake, had no rear view mirror, and had a steering wheel that had to make two full turns before the tires would even think about turning. she was spasming and possibly having a stroke in the passenger seat. we were moving to a new place. it was traumatizing. i learned to drive through trial by fire with one person who doesnt know how to drive and isnt licensed and another person who was drunk 90% of the time. i didnt need my mom. she was the reason it took me so long to learn to drive and is still the reason im afraid to drive on the interstate.

she doesnt take care of my pets unless im not home for whatever reason, which is almost never, because she has made me dependent upon her for transport. i have to take care of her dogs a lot because she and her boyfriend keep forgetting to feed and water them at the right times. i clean up after them, i feed and water them, i take them outside. the only thing i dont do with them is play because i fucking hate dogs! i have to take care of dogs when i hate dogs!

her goddamn boyfriend keeps acting like im incapable of doing things until the moment he thinks something should already be done and im clearly the only one who can do it, even if im busy with something else. this is a man who did not know you have to use hot water to wash dishes, so clearly he just cant understand the concept of "im busy right now, ill either get to it tonight or tomorrow." he gets flustered and frustrated and starts yelling in the kitchen and slamming doors and doing things with excess aggression the moment i specifically inconvenience him. if its my mom it doesnt matter, but if its me he throws a tantrum. im the problem in all situations.

i have not been allowed to heal from any of my trauma because im held resoonsible for the feelings and trauma of others. when my mom has issues, i have to fix them and keeo her distracted and help her process and make her feel better. when her boyfriend has issues, im expected to suck it up and be gentle and understanding with him. when i have issues, im met with "weve all got problems, its not getting you out of this" or "youre not the only one with problems, im having a hard day, too" or even "no, youre gaslighting me." have you ever been gaslit by being accused of gaslighting? it is a bad fucking feeling.

im exhausted. im a disabled person, yes, in many ways, but i would not be dependent on anyone if i were allowed to be independent. i dont want to live like this. i cant fucking live like this. im so, so tired. this is the most coherent ive been in days.

sorry to anyone who reads this.

#vent post #long post

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thoughtcock · 6 months

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self manifestations for 2023/24 (progress)

[X] rent an better actual apartment, by myself or with someone else: I am currently here now :) sitting by myself in the comfort of my living room, while listening to lofi music on youtube as background. And boy, what an amazing feeling it is. it is merely just over 400 sq ft, a small size by most standards. yet its just enough for me and the bf who comes over.

I used to feel like I don't do well in the ordinary, life had to always be happening or I have to be on some unconventional route (i mean it kinda is but still) to be happy or whatever. But lately, I really do appreciate the peace and the ordinaryness. I now romanticise the chill/hiding away to my safe space. I love doing my silly little home decorating and just feeling present at this apartment. my safe space.

I gradually became a much more neater and organised person. seriously, i started making my own bed more regularly and you could point a gun at me and i would find it so pointless to do it. its just going tog et messy again so who cares? but now.... i see why people do it.

i thought me being messy was just a personality trait of mine and i hoped people around me will accept it. but i dont know... i guess there's this new-found form of respect i have for my space now, and keeping it tidy just makes it so much more pleasant for me. the only issue with that is i spend significantly more time tidying, and my boyfriend still hasnt caught up to speed yet.

But still... I finally get ikea catalogues and how they are always selling this idea of a beautiful home enriching your life. because its true. and i get why people buy picture frames and decorative tissue boxes and carpets and all. to make a space much cozier, which in turn makes u happier and more at peace. And I get why people buy extra practical things like a water filter, storage space for your appliances, a speaker, a standing desk. because why wouldnt you? it boosts your quality of life in different ways.

Yes, its not cheap to rent, but damn I would rather pay with money than with my mental health. for seven years i've lived with the bare minimum. mostly stuck to buying necessary stuff for my home, or barely buying anything at all for fear it will eat up the little space i was allocated to. and now to have the space(!!) and options to buy something just for the aesthetics is suddenly new to me again. for 8 years i've been living in cramped dorms/subdivided rooms/flat share. i am so grateful and i cant wait to make more and get an even bigger space maybe (i still wish for a bigger kitchen, and an actual designated to hang clothes without taking over the living room space).

In the meantime maybe i can start thinking about owning a home. though i still dont feel ready, need to save more haha

[ ] get my first tattoo: still in the works. all the artists i like are either based far away, or i am still undecided and frankly procrastinating. slighly worrying about the fallout with the mother. also there is a bit of inertia to just fuck it and out trust in an artist for a tattoo that im not sure of yet.

[ ] adopt a cat: unlike getting a tattoo, i dont think i can just bite the bullet and bring an animal to my life full-time. since having a family dog, i realised how important it is to consider how I really have to be responsible for a pet. And making space for said pet in your life. my family dog came to us in a "yolo" way of sorts, and while he is amazingggggg, i know if it were up to me i'll do so much more to give him a better life. and so, i would like to carefully consider everything before fostering one. and also because my new apartment is so great as it is, how can an animal live in it well without destroying the space i worked so hard for?

[X] adapt well in new job: giving this an X because so far i've performed better than how i did in my first year. but there's a lot of self-pressure and probably managerial pressure to step up and do even more, learn even more etc. tbh sometimes it feels like my brain is swimming from all these new things i've learnt or am expected to learn. i dont want to disappoint people, but i am also trying to give myself the space/patience to improve and be better. after all im paid much better to live in this nice apartment.

[X] buy fancy decorative stuff for said new apartment (eg. plates, candles, artsy fartsy stuff)

[ ] be reading more: definitely falling back on reading... sometimes its hard to get the attention span to do so. i've been told i should get back on self-help books. so far i've read more autobiographies. there are some books i own that take me back to chaotic times (Eg. 2019) and i'm sure if i even want to touch them for fear of bringing up not so great memories and how this city is quietly turning to shits. well at least i have my nice place as it turns to shit... privilege much?

[ ] continue to choose myself: i feel like its a half-half on this...

[X] be okay with change: something i read recently is how because nothing last forever, its best to appreciate things are they are now before they are gone. the glass is already broken. impermanence makes things more beautiful.

[ ] have more reflective alone times: unfortunately not doing as much of that, but i hope that will change!!!! sometimes i live life on autopilot mode, and i could feel myself living in that mode for months since i've stopped going to therapy. autopilot mode isnt bad, but yeah i know i dont truly reflect on my feelings much if that is so. and i find my thoughts so muddled and messy at times. its like what the fuck do i want sometimes, why am i overthinking this and that, am i doing enough of this and that bla bla,,, but i dont know WHY im thinking like that. sometimes writing this in word vomit mode helps to rationalise and write out all the things in my head which is great... although i feel like a terrible writer because everything is so messy and word vomity

[X] solo travel (either a beach getaway or city gal holiday, or both): my first solo trip coming up soon! a beach getaway is something i always want to do. im not going to plan much or keep everything to a schedule, just see where this trip takes me. im hoping to just chill and be rejuvenated, and yes try to be more reflective

[ X] turn off my brain when work is over: a WIP but i would say i've gone heaps and bounds since leaving my last job. work stops at 6 and i try not to open my emails/messages, but i guess with more responsibilities sometimes i cant help it. but i can safely say i do have more time for other things without feeling like some manager will find me to settle a story or whatever. it feels nice to have no one bug u after work hours!!

[X] maintain close relationships with the people who matter: not sure whether to tick this since i've become a lot more introverted this year. i no longer do big parties or try to organise one anymore. in that sense i do feel more distant from people now, sometimes i dont even know who matters and who doesnt. but this time, i feel perfectly okay with it. i think its the new house effect, i just want to stay home all the time. maybe the person who matters most in my life is me, after all.

[X] restart seriously saving and investing again: getting paid more helps. though i do need to re-evaluate my investing choices. i jsut need to be careful about lifestyle inflation and balance things properly. i started budgeting again this months so hopefully i can stick to it.

[X] stay away from people with bad energy: its actually easier to do that when u have a significant other and u are okay to be alone. no longer interested in clubs or gettign fucked up, or getting on dating apps anymore.

-[X?] feel valued in a workplace/relationship: yes for work, thanks to great managers and great benefits. relationship, i would like to think my friends value me, and as for my boyfriend? i guess he does in his own ways, though i would like to feel more of it.

New goals:

learn diving

solo travel/travel to more unconventional places

romanticising life more

take a chill hobby like coloring

exercise at least 1x a week

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thelocalconstellation · 1 year

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Just gotta shout into the void for a minute

Something about the fact that I'm just. So fucking exhausted right now. Between work and school and the fact that I was sick for the last week, still suffering after effects actually, which caused me to miss 75% of the week, I'm so so so fucking tired. Nothing really helps either. I feel like my wizard keeps getting dragged into encounters I'm out of spell slots so I'm down to my last few hit points and I'm stuck fighting with my fists because I can't do anything else.

I can't do homework because I need somebody there I can walk through it with or I can't get my ridiculous fucking brain to understand it because my fucking adhd put my processing speed in the dirt and my doctor didn't want to put me on meds last time and my next appointment to go over it again with the doctor and my dad isn't until next tuesday and it doesn't matter I have three shifts left until the season is over for work I'm pretending to have energy when I feel like I haven't gotten to have a break since early august and the two or three days in this mess I haven't been trying to do school stuff or at work I can't relax because I should be catching up on notes or doing practice questions or working on things I missed or doing one of a billion things and two people I knew died in the last month and I don't know how to tell you that seeing a kid who barely hit adulthood, a kid barely older than you dead is really fucking bad for you.

I don't know if its hormones if its adhd if its just my world keeps getting shaken like a really fucked up snowglobe or what but I haven't been able to regulate my emotions at all in the last month and I can never keep a decent sleep schedule during the school year which makes literally everything worse and so I'm stuck in an endless loop of falling asleep in class, trying to do the things I need to for class, trying to do homework or whatever I didn't manage to finish in class, not being able to go to sleep until late because I don't get home until five, I have to have dinner and do the dishes and do homework and I need some time to do something fun or I'm going to hit burnout a lot faster than I should and by the time I manage to actually do half that its anywhere from 11:30 to 2 am and I have to get up early so I can go in to get help for chem because I fell asleep yesterday and I missed something and I don't understand the material because my brain refuses to take anything I learn and actually put it away!!!!!

Im just. So fucking tired. So so tired i want to be able to be nice and help people when they ask and do things but I'm in a damn near constant state of overstimulated and exhausted and I don't know of anything that I can do to fix it at all and i just dont know anymore.

I want to sleep. I have a headache. I cant sleep because I'm stressed about everything ever. I cant manage my personal hygiene well enough to try and even do anything about it via self care. I don't know how to dress or anything to give me any good vibes about my appearance beyond "this is socially acceptable". I barely know what I might want to do after high school but I have no idea if its attainable. I fucked up my savings by spending too much in places I didn't think I'd be going near and I still don't know how to remind my friends they need to pay me back for sushi without being rude because theres an extra 60 bucks I didn't account for.

I could barely stand in front of a mirror long enough to clean my piercings because I hate how I look when I've been crying and I hate how I look generally because nothing but my hair feels right anymore and I'm too tired for much else.

I've been being upbeat and energetic the last couple days at work when I want nothing more than to sleep all day because nothing else feels even remotely like it brings me joy anymore.

My brain feels so fucking loud all the time and I can't think and i can't focus and I don't want to spend money on constantly buying coffee in hopes I can focus the next class because that gets expensive and I don't want to do that with energy drinks because I don't want my kidneys to hate me and I don't know where the caffeine pills went and tea never has enough to help me focus and I can't get the adhd to bugger off long enough for me to do my schoolwork and I'm stressed and tired and I feel like I'm out of options. I don't have energy to hang around my friends much anymore. I've got one friend i can interact with regularly without being more tired and I don't know if I'll even have time to talk to them much this week. Nothing I've tried is working and I'm just. Tired.

Im just some kid. I'm too tired for this guys

#vent post #tw vent #tw death mention #tw child death #technically?#he was barely an adult if at all.#death mention tw

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literaphobe · 2 years

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I know we talked about it but. Fucking. Glaciator

ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THIS OOPS SORRY IM LATE i just finished my s3 rewatch (i now think its rather slay. i like dragonbug and um well snake noir could have a better design but i love it when they combine miraculouses and its just two of them against the world <3) anyway rewatching glaciator now! (this got long. putting it under a cut for those who care <3)

thoughts before rewatch: i love the ice cream episodes. andre sucks but his villain episodes are so good and for what. i cant wait to see the rooftop scenes again

i love scenes that have nothing to do w the regular episode formula. ladynoir randomly saving some bus from crashing is so cute. but also wtf is up w this city. like OKAY so these 14/15 year olds have superpowers and u dont so they have to fight supervillains. whatever. but they gotta help you uphold the integrity of your public transport system too?? get a grip paris

i find it so funny whenever adrien does an unexpected pussy slay transformation sequence and plagg is like woAoOAoaoOAHH i would love to see tikki act this way. also obsessed w how kwamis r like ur secret best friend who judge ur every move and laugh at ur L love life

how the fuck does andre just KNOW marinettes in love w someone w green eyes. and hes fucked up for exposing her :/ i agree w her freaking out man i wouldn't want my classmates knowing i like someone like. im mysterious ok.

also he doesn't charge for his ice cream right?? like ive never seen anyone paying this dude. what a baby... like ok big deal some teen girl doesn't want to eat. no need to cry over it loser...

tikki and marinette r like. neurotypical therapist talks to adhd girl. shes rsding rn tikki she thinks all her friends will hate her for ruining everything n that she'll never be happy. i also believe theres a universe where ladybug would've went to meet chat noir if she had time to. but she got upset so she forgot. again, she has adhd

also marinette realizing chat is in love w ladybug for real is so funny. like what did u think he wanted. what did u think he was. she straight up thought he was just balling or like some kind of player who flirts w anything that moves. i find it incredibly relatable that she had no fucking clue <3

'im... so sorry' 'why? its not your fault' i also always apologize even when its not my fault. anyway this scene is awesome. its her fault but its also not her fault. i love drama

'whats that? another supervillain in love with you?' i want this to be like a pattern. like imagine if there were multiple akumatized villains in love w marinette. obsessed w her unbeatable rizz

the sensitive side of chat noir... like it or not. this is when she started slowly falling for him

i love it when one of them is mad at one of the other's alter egos but totally chill w the other. like oh hi marinette :) -> fuck you ladybug >:(

ladynoir arguing... maybe its the broken family divorced kid in me but i love it when they do that

this episode gains points for ladybug's idea being kinda weird girl strange. it gains more for chat's cataclysm being part of the plan and not just to like break the akuma <3

obsessed w rejection scenes that r like. very romantically charged. this is how i feel about the little women 2019 jo/laurie scene. like they had more chemistry in a rejection scene than literally every amy/laurie scene. im right. im also right that the moon looming behind ladynoir as she sadly turned him down only to blush when he kissed her cheek goodbye was romantic. she FELT something. so awesome. obsessed w push pull dynamics. obsessed w repression and denial

one of my fave things about this episode is that chat wasn't mad when she rejected him, only upset when she didn't turn up at first. he wasn't mad that he 'failed' to get her or that she loved someone else. he just wanted to get a chance to tell her how he felt and be with her. he was happy even to be her friend. to be important to her... he was happy just to have spent time with her :(

For The Ending,,,,,,, personally i think it would have been a tad bit more interesting to get some adrienette interaction? like i like the idea of them just barely missing each other and having ice cream on opposite sides of the bridge to an extent, but it would have been interesting if adrien walked up right as andre was scooping marinettes ice cream and theyre like oh hi haha and marinette sees adrien get his very obviously ladybug themed cone and be like ??? about it and have one of them or maybe even andre suggest they get a cone together someday......

overall! ive decided 8.7/10. def a good episode with a lot of important moments, but there's def other episodes and stuff that outshine it. B+!

#ask #mlbposting #miraculous ladybug #suggest another episode for another insane review like this one!#feel free to discuss this review w me...

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slashergendered · 2 years

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whole fuckin vent down there

im so sick of everything. wake up. help with the nephews and niece. go to work. get treated like shit. get off work. wait hours after to even get home. no time to cook because moms trying to sleep. kitchens a mess. no time to clean. everyones busy destroying themselves for everyone else. eat once a day. get just enough hours to keep from doing anything meaningful at home. shit pay check. cant pay for important things. cant save. its never ending. go to bed. im going to kill every person in the top 1% with my bare hands. i want them to suffer the way they force me and people like me to. and im one of the lucky ones.

i have one friend that i can see in person out side of a work setting. my girlfriend is fucking hours and a ton of money away. my mom is steadily treating the rest of the family worse and worse. my sisters boyfriend and my mom keep putting their need ahead of others. my sister was sick for two weeks because she cant rest. i try my best for her. i cant keep up with her. my mom gets mad at me when i correct her misgendering and dead naming me.

if i hear one more harry styles, taylor swift, or maroon 5 song ever again i WILL kill who ever runs dunkin radio.

#i cant feel any fucking feelings rn #completely fucking blank #at the same time i feel like im about to start sobbing #brock.txt #vent

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the-nameless-juan · 2 years

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HERREFHIFSGGSHFUJGD YOU KNOW WHATS GREAT, TRYING TO GET SOME RENT MONEY OUT OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT AND BEING TOLD ITS BEEN FROZEN DUE TO ‘SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY’ AND HAVING TO CALL A NUMBER AND BEING TOLD THAT YOU HAVE TO GO TO ONE OF THEIR BANKS IN PERSON DUE TO THE FACT THAT APPARENTLY OPENING A FUCKING SAVEINGS ACCOUNT IS SUSPICIOUS DESPITE THE FACT THAT WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THEY WERE CLOSING YOUR LOCAL BRANCH THEY ASSURED YOU THAT YOU COULD DO EVERYTHING ON THE APP AND YOU BELIEVED THEM

SO AFTER CONFIRMING THAT THEIR WAS NO HURRY YOU CAN COME WHENEVER DONT WORRY ABOUT TIME YOU FINALLY GET A DAY OFF YOU PAY FOR A THIRTY DOLLAR UBER RIDE TO THE NEAREST PHYSICAL LOCATION AND THEN… YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FUCKING SAY, YOU TOOK TO LONG YOUR ACCOUNTS CLOSED

THEY FUCJING CLOSED MY ACOUNT, DONT HAVE A CHECKING ACCOUNT ANYMORE.

BUT THEY TELL ME DONT WORRY WELL SEND YOU A CHECK IN THE MAIL WITH WHAT LITTLE MONEY YOU GOT, NO YOU CANT GET IT HERE IN THE PLACE WE KEEP THE MONEY YOU STUPID FUCK WERE SENDING THROUGH THE FUCKING MAIL

WHEN WILL YOU GET IT? WELL ITS GONNA PRINT ON THE 14TH AND ITLL GET TO YOU IN 7-10 BUSINESS DAYS

SO IM STANDING THERE DOING MY BEST NOT TO FICKING HAVE A PANIK ATTACK IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND SAY LITTERLY TRYING NOT TO CRY IS THEIR ANYTHING YOU CSN DO AND SHE SAYS WAIT IN THE LOBBY WELL GET SOME TO HELP

SO I SIT MY ASS DOWN HAVING THAT FAMILIAR FEELING OF BEING ON THE VERGE OF A PANICK THE ENTIRE TIME LIKE IM BACK AT HIGHSCHOOL AND FINALLY AFTER AN HOUR THEY CALL ME TO TALK TO A ACOUNT TELLER MAN OR WHATEVER THEY CSLL THEM I GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT TO CALL EM

AND LOOK I KNOW ITS HIS JOB, I KNOW THIS IS NOT THIS MANS FAULT, BUT IT TOOK FUCKING EVERTHING NOT TO EITHER UGLY SOB OR JUST START FUXING SCREAMING AT HIM WHEN HE TOLD ME THEIR WAS NOTHING HE COULD DO ABOUT MY MONEY, I WAS JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIt AND DID I WANT TO OPEN A NEW CHECKING ACCOUNT

I DONT KNOW WHAT EXPRESSION I MADE BUT IT PROBABLY WASNT GOOD CAUSE HE IMMEDIATELY BACKTRACKED AND SAID IF I DIDNT WANT TO THATS FINE.

DONT REMEMBER MUCH ELSE ABOUT OUR CONVERSATION BUT I GOT MY MOBILE APP UNRESTRICTED SO I CAN KNOW LOOK AT MY CREDIT CARD DEBT AND SEE THE LOOMING DEADLINE THAT I CANT PAY BECAUSE MY FUCKING MONEY IS GOING TO BE SENT TO ME VIA FUCKING PAPER MAIL

DONT EVEN HAVE MY FUCKING PAYCHECK BECAUSE THATS THROUGH DIRECT DEPOSIT AND IT APPARENTLY WAS BLOCKED FROM GOING INTO MY ACCOUNT AND WHEN I ASKED MANAGER HOPING THAT SOMETHING WOULD GO SORTA KINDA RIGHT SHE TOLD ME NOPE NOTHINGS HERE CHEIF ILL CALL THE OFFICE PEOPLE SEE WHAT THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT.

SO HERE I AM NO PAYING FOR ANOTHER 30 DOLLARS UBER RIDE WITH NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IM GONNA DO JESUS FUCK SORRY ABOUT I JUST NEED TO TYPE THIS DOWN AND SCREAM IT TEXTUALLY OR ILL JUST START SCREAM SOBBING AUDIBLY

#triger warning #money #fuck #what the fuck #i’m so done #just needed to vent

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readandwritesilver · 3 years

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im not remotely at a point yet where i can articulate anything remotely coherent but like. guillermo putting on nandor's seatbelt for him. and you dont even register it when he does it its just like oh well nandor's brainwashed yknow of course hes not going to put his own seatbelt on but guillermo is going to do it because theyre running for their lives and beyond that guillermo knows he needs to get nandor the fuck OUT of there but he still takes that spare ten or so seconds to buckle him in even though nandor is fucking immortal and i didnt really think about this before i started typing but nandor is immortal he would have been ultimately fine if something had happened and anyway guillermo is driving pretty carefully plus its four am in some random industrial area GUILLERMO HE DOES NOT NEED THE SEATBELT and yet he still does it because hes his body guard hes his heart guard nandor is in crisis and im already saving his life by doing something very dangerous to have done alone but guillermo just. he loves him its the and i you its the cover your face but not only is it the cover your face its nandor covering his face because hes brainwashed but he still trusts guillermo at his core and jan broke pretty much everything else but she didnt break that and so he covers his face and he lets guillermo take his hand and he doesnt stop him from hurting the cult at any point even though he probably could or could at least try but he doesnt because he trusts guillermo and then they get to the car and while guillermo is chewing him out he buckles him in. and its the seatbelt that guillermo went out and got lined with silver however long ago and it's nandor burning himself on the band than guillermo clicked into place to keep him safe in a way that he didnt even technically need because guillermo wasnt thinking what is the absolute most practical way we can get out of here he was thinking how do i keep nandor safe because thats what he was thinking the whole fucking time and they fight and nandor strains against the holds of guillermo's love and they burn him and guillermo knows that those burns mean that hes safe but he still cant look at nandor as he explains when he got silver installed and its when nandor explains to him calmly that he is going to leave and he is never going to come back and guillermo doesnt argue because he knows that the second he touches the belt its going to burn him but also his voice has sounded like it's going to break from the moment on the porch that he realized nandor is leaving and the seatbelt is i'm sorry and the seatbelt is it's for your own good and the seatbelt is i love you, i love you, i love you. let me keep you safe. hate me if you're going to, but let me keep you safe. FX pay for my therapy.

#this is a mess lol. writing a fic rn but these are just my baseline feelings #ill prob add to it tommorow after i rewatch the ep with my sister (and pretend ive never seen it before oops) because i think thatll hel #me get my thoughts in order #wwdits #what we do in the shadows #wwdits tv #wwdits s3 #guillermo de la cruz #nandor the relentless #nandermo #ben talks #meta #hall of fame

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raggaraddy · 3 years

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Sugar Daddy turned sour

Request: Hi!!!! read all of ur works its all amazing cant believe ur new.. can i request for a yan sugar daddy taehyung x reader x yan sugar daddy jungkook. they found out that that y/n have 2 sugar daddies and they lost their sanity(as if they even have that)...Thank u and YOU GOOD,KEEP GOING💜💞💞💞💞😘😁

A/N: I don't know how to post a reply to a personal message yet because I am new and Tumblr deficient 😅 But I hope you like the scenario ^-^ thanks for the request 💜

Here for Part 2

Summary: Juggling two guys and getting everything you want from them has always been easy for you, and Taehyung and Jungkook are no exception. Or so you thought.

Trigger warnings: Mentions of non-con, assault, cheating, violence.

Yandere! Taehyung

Yandere! Jungkook

Sunday. Taehyungs day.

You open your webcam, checking your eyeliner quickly in the startup view as you wait for the Tae to pick up on the other side. He pops up quickly a beaming smile filling his face.

“Y/n! Baby, I’ve missed you.” He’s radiant. As happy and as bubbly he always is.

You go along listening to him excitedly run through his past few days, telling you everything in excruciating detail as he jumps from one half-finished thought to another. He may be an adult but he certainly has a young soul. The whole while you feign attention, your fingers continually fidgeting with the diamond necklace or the matching bracelet he had sent you a few weeks back.

“How was your weekend?” He finally gets around to asking.

“Not so good. I always have to work so much," You complain, batting your eyes at the camera.

“You could always quit and come live with me.” He jokes-but not really. It’s a topic he has raised 3 times already. And you have the same answer ready as always.

“Daddy, you know I’m a strong and independent woman. I could never let someone else pay for me.” You pout, running your tongue over your lower lip while pushing your chest up a little to draw attention. “It’s just my rent is so expensive. I feel like I work just to pay the bills.”

In truth, your rent is already being covered by someone else. But he doesn’t need to know that.

While you continue to run through the fabricated details of your weekend, Taehyung is distracted, looking down at his phone. You know what's happening. It’s like a game. And you’re winning. Your banking app sends a notification, letting you know that K. Taehyung has just sent you a payment.

You open it up. Yep. That's rent for the month. Or more, money for that new TV you wanted.

“Oh! Daddy, noo.” You whine down the camera. “You can’t. I am okay. Really. Please don’t spend your money on me.” You frown if only to stop the smile that is fighting to fill your face.

“I want to baby. I have the money, and I just want you to be happy. Don’t stress about bills okay. I’m here.”

Sometimes, it’s almost too easy.

“Okay Daddy, if you insist.”

Tuesday. Jungkooks day.

With Jungkook it’s a much more straightforward transaction. He has said he wants to pay for you and he hates the back and forth pretences. He just wants you to say thank you, smile pretty, and give him all your attention.

“Do you need anything more for the week?” He asks through the camera.

“No Daddy, you take such good care of me. Thank you.” You smile.

“You still have the weekend of the 14th off?” He raises his eyebrows suggestively. Off-screen you quickly scan through your calendar.

14th, 15th and 16th: Jk weekend.

Hmm, that came up quicker than you expected. You try to keep your booty calls with them as far apart as possible.

“Of course, I’m so excited! I haven’t seen you in weeks.” You say, it been less than 100% truthful.

“Months.” He corrects with a surreptitious undertone.

“Where are we staying this time?”

You always insist to stay in hotels. Because ‘your apartment feels too busy and mundane, and you want the time you spend with him to be magical and undistracted’. Honestly, you just don’t want him, either of them, in your personal space. You purposefully chose boys who live a few hours away. It’s hard enough to keep them separated in your everyday life with them being far away. It could only get messy for them to know where you live and how to reach you in person.

You’ve certainly gotten smart at this. Arranging the two men into different days of the week, scheduling them into your calendar to keep them apart and unaware of the other. Both had specifically said very early on that they do not want to share you with anyone else. And that you were all theirs. And while both of them seemed to trust you, you knew their reactions would be unpleasant, to say the least, if they found out about the other.

Sugar Daddies can be so possessive.

But while both these men are very handsome, money is better and more reliable than boys. And if they are stupid enough to spend it all on you, why should you care.

The week passes quickly and it’s the 14th. Once more you find yourself in the lobby of a 5-star hotel. Jungkook arrived in town early and sent you a message with the room number.

Time to actually work for your money.

You knock on the door only to find it slightly open. Entering there is a trail of rose petals lining the floor leading into the suite. All the lights are dimmed with a warmth of candlelight filling the room. This is so typically Jungkook. Pulling out all the stops to try to impress.

Dropping your bag at the entrance, you close the door behind you and explore inwards.

“Daddy?” You call out in a singsong voice. Your heels clack on the tiled floor as you round the corner into the living room. Jungkook is sitting on the lounge, one leg crossed over the other, arms rested up over the back. You smile at seeing him. You always seem to forget just how stunning he is in person.

“Which one of us are you referring to?” A deep voice startles you from behind. You jolt, spinning to see Taehyung standing behind you leaning against the wall.

Holy fuck.

Your mind starts to jumble through what is happening. Thinking about what it was that might have given you away. Evaluating how much they may know. And planning your next move.

Damn it. You doubt you’ll be able to smooth talk your way out of this with Jungkook. He’s too direct and absolute. So you’ll just have to accept that that relationship is over. However, you might be able to salvage this situation with Taehyung if you play your cards right. Being defensive should do the trick.

“What is this?” You snap, keeping focused on Taehyung. “This is such a violation of my privacy! You keep smothering me Taehyung! See this is why I tried to find someone else to hang out with.” You stomp your foot. He would always wrap around your finger so quickly with the little girl act.

“Ha!” He blurts out a short laugh in contradiction to how you expected him to react. “Wow. No, go on. I want to see where this is going.”

“Do you think we only just found out about each other?” Jungkook pipes up, coming from the couch.

You sigh. You had almost saved enough for a holiday to the Maldives too. But they seem to know too much. Fine. You can burn both relationships. They were starting to get too clingy anyway. “Whatever.” You roll your eyes. You got all you could from them. Time to move on to the next.

As you shrug them off, Taehyung steps into the path of the front door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Both he and Jungkook start to close in tighter. There is a cold tone to his words. Something far too close to a threat for your comfort. Even in heels, both men naturally stand taller than you which usually wouldn’t bother you. But with an unsteadiness to your footing and a very short dress on, in a dark room with two men you have used and spurned, you are feeling even more vulnerable than you feel you should.

“Move.” You order.

A smirk on his lips, Taehyung lifts his hand up and backhands you, knocking you back a few stumbled steps. You gasp, your hand clinging to your cheek, eyes wide in shock. He starts forward, Jungkook intervening, standing between the two of you.

You can not believe he just hit you! He has never done anything like that before.

“No, don’t do that.” He stops Taehyung as he starts to swing again. Shaking all over, you’re relieved that one of them is seeing sense. You take the outstretched hand of Jungkook, lip trembling from the burn on your cheek. He draws you closer and you wrap into him for protection. In the same motion, his free hand swings down punching you in the stomach, doubling you over, dropping you to the floor. “If you hit her head, she might get spaced out. I want her to feel this.”

His words send a chill down your spine. This can not be happening.

“Are you crazy!” You gape, trying to speak while gulping down air. Your head is dizzy, your lungs burning. Kicking off your heels for better movement, you climb back up to your feet not wanting to engage either man. Eyes focused you look past Taehyung to the door, storming forward. “I’m leaving. We’ll forget all of this, okay.” You bargain through short, panicked breath.

Taehyungs large hand slams you into the wall, pressing his palm against your shoulder. He follows Jungkooks lead, pounding his fist into your gut. And then again. And again. His hold removes letting you free and you plummet to the ground, crying within broken huffs while cradling your battered torso.

“You’re right. That is better.” He laughs at Jungkook.

“Stop!” You beg, unable to raise your voice above a soft yelp.

“What's wrong baby? You wanted two men. Now you have them.” Taehyungs bright smile returns to his face. This time with an entirely different meaning than it had ever had until it shifts into a straight, harsh look that you have never seen from him. “Didn't you always say you wished there was some way you could repay me?”

“You said that to me too.” Jungkook joins his side, both hovering above you, trapping you between them, the wall, and the floor.

Leaning down Jungkooks hand follows you as you squirm away from him. His fingers wrapped around your throat and lift you up, keeping you against the wall. He takes advantage of you being stuck, leaning into you pressing his lips to yours as you resist as much as you can.

“Baby, you’re going to pay us back for every dollar we spent on you.” He snarls.

Taehyung turns your face to him, also forcing a kiss on you. “Don’t worry, Y/n, you’ll see that we know how to share.”

Part 2

#yandere bts #yandere jungkook #yandere taehyung #sugadaddy #cheating #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts #yandere #yandere bangtan #taekook #bts reactions #bangtan reactions #jungkook #taehyung

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