#its still there tho and thats. scary?
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I dream like pulling teeth, I dream of pulling teeth
One by one out my skull, bare the pain and make myself beautiful, make a bloody smile quiet and dainty and meek and everything a lady should be
I dream of helplessness, nightmare and a hope; what if I couldn't fight? What if this fear of my body was ripped out? Would you love me if I was properly weak, if you had no reason to cower?
What if I cut away these rough edges, took sandpaper to the cracks. What if I turned broken bottles into sea glass.
#poetry#spilled ink#vent poem#hmm hmm its. hard to have a body i think#i love it; bright home of my soul. sweet sighing voice and hands that fight to no longer tremble#its strong. its soft and warm and when my beloveds are close i can hold carry protect keep them in my arms#its easy for me to love it when its nice#harder when i can lift my beloved over my shoulder easy as could be#and we all have to remember#“oh. they could really hurt me.”#the muscle is hidden with purposefully kept layers of fat and affected cuteness#the anget that sings unkempt is buried easy enough. puns and fun facts and silly questions hide how bad a part of my wants to bite#its still there tho and thats. scary?#the reminder that kind as i want to be theres just as much that could would craves to hurt something...#part of the interest in being a service top tbh is i hurt someone then its because they want it
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experimentin w shit heehee
#fake peppino#arts#mine#horror#eye strain#guh#body horror#a lil tho but i just think thats a more commonly blacklisted tag than 'horror'#spooky month is the only time im like. i guess i should TRY to draw spooky shit#i always feel like my style is too loose and roumnd to convey it in the way i want to#but spooky month is like okay u can fuck around and fuck up and itll still be good. the spirit of spookyness n all that#i love horror so much but it feels so hard to grasp. like what is ACTUALLY scary yknow?#its very easy to say whats not scary but then its also so hard to stop urself from doing the same things lol#to be fair. stories and 'motion' (through the use of comics or animations) are far easier ways to convey things like suspense n stuff#still art is like. well that is an image alright lol#not entirely true tho; theres an artist i dont know the name of that did trailcam images that were photorealistic#and theyre sooooooooo fuckin creepy#like when i get around to doing more fp art i wanna use that and the lighting in it as practice#okay thats it i think; gonna draw furry shit bc i need comms yay yippeeeeeee
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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...
#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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the internet was cut off and i ran out of data so i asked my brother if i can connect to his hotspot and downloaded dol on my phone,,,,,,,,,
#were in the process of moving !!!!!!!!!! new apartment has wifi !!!!!!!!! but more importantly were not homeless !!!!!!!!!!!!!😭😭#my time completely cut off from everyone was very much like the pic LMAOAOA#dol was the only offline game i could think of that wasnt some dumbass puzzle game or something#i even play this shit in public cause i literally have nothing to do without internet except maybe look at my gallery for the 400th time#i turn off the combat animations tho so its just all text when im outside 😭like im brave but not THAT brave#but anyway its safe to say that im getting back into it again 🧍♀️#last time i played dol was before the pregnancy update and like knowing u can get pregnant now is scary#like what if im not prepared to take care of a fictional child#will i be a good mother?????????? i dont want to traumatize the kid and subject them to the horrors of the town like????????#im still like kind of early in + i still have yet to explore the other stuff i never did during my last playthrough so im pretty excited#also somehow course of temptation was still running in the browser i have opened on my chrome so yk..............#played a bit of that as well.........................#its so funny how every npc has names its insane and i love the phone thingy too#ok thats all i think#frambling...?
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still thinking of my fave marvel rivals interaction where my jeff and i were hanging on the point after knocking out the other team and lil bro sprays the space in front of me and emotes and we both said thank you at the same time like i fear im never forgetting that ever
#marvel rivals#snap chats#i made the strangest delighted sound afterwards dare i say it was wholesome 😭almost cried sorry im a big baby#of course afterwards we had to go back to Murder but still ... ill never forget you my finny friend....#havent had an exp like that since .... i hope to tho ...#closest i got is sometimes my wanda will look me up and down- maybe strafe a lil but thats about it#wait no you know what my fave thing is .. i do love Lowkey babying wandas on my team vaeJLKVJAELKJ i am not sorry#LIKE AS A TANK OF COURSE i try to prioritize the main team but if everyones fine ill usually hover around her#i keep an especial eye on her ok listen she gives me big energy sword i give her magnet shields its MUTUALISM#anyway i wanted to draw the jeff story out but i keep getting swamped with stuff so. alas. youll just have to imagine#if it helps jeff was wearin the dolphin costume and yeah i threw up from cuteness. esp with the lil beach ball ....#Big Ass Scary Magneto and lil baby jeff simultaneous Thank You ... its the little things i fear ...#a part of it helps that magneto can just sound so Polite with these voice lines LMAO#like his 'Hello' tickles me it's so Hello There :) .. like a distinguished gentleman ... like a grandpa who SOMETIMES gives you a casserole#thats his whole vibe tbh i wanted to make a post bout it- how mags def has Father/Grandfather To All energy and i love it#hes not even the oldest in the roster far from it.. lol.. visually he looks the oldest#if i may quote him tho .. Save Perhaps Thor ... He May Be His Equal in that regard AJELKVJAEKLJ BUT ANYWAY#im off to work on a thing#i should have it done tomorrow and i can finally share it (among other joys) with everyone :]
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Starting the Capitol Arc (part 36)
Masterpost link here
#rune factory 5#rune factory#rf5#alright finally got the orchard into the comic! im going to have it be relevant and explained eventually but ill describe it here to start#so on vivi's (wind dragon) ares planted an apple orchard to which he placed a curse upon#if one enters the orchard and falls off the correct path they get trapped in a pocket dimension(which ares learned how to create from lucas)#the only person who knows the correct path is Rei who in turn trained the wolves to traverse it as well#and ofc the wolves only obey Rei/Ree otherwise their one other response is to take ppl (Bea and by extension of scent Al) to the berrypatch#Ares made the field this way after the Bea attack while she was picking berries. Its a safe space for her to be alone and pick fruit#and still be ptotected from outside attackers (by both the enchantment on the orchard and the scary wolves that protect the place)#yeah so anyways. the enchanted orchard ! deffo not a public farm thats for sure haha! Wooly mama's supply if apples that she delivers comes#from this one tho#aashi doodles#thx for reading :))
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i think it was the lights im twitching
#i keep trying to tell my mother this isn't normal and she just says it's the autism#it shouldn't do this!! these are like!! almost seizureS!!! autism foes not do that!!!!!!#oighfhghgh okay i think i know what thos is at least#it's always scary at the start because i dont know whaf it is because its just scattershot symptoms#this is something thats happened to me before. so i know what it is and that i will be alright its just ofing to suck#and my heads gonna hurt and my hands are gonna shake and it sgiung to me awful#and i wont be able to talk or think very well#its already sort of happeneing#its a little better now since im not pannicke but its still not good#thos sucks i wish she would do something about this. ir listen to me at leats#marin complains
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Oxenfree 2 spoilers, re the 'final choice'
I played the whole game in a solid 7 hour chunk yesterday and I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it, and I'll have to do another playthrough when I can, because there's so much of the way the characters are that seems based on your choices so I wanna see what happens when I make other choices
but I'm seeing that a lot of people let Olivia go through the portal at the end, and that everyone who didn't is saying those who did are monsters for letting this grief-stricken teenager kill herself
and. i don't think there is a 'right' choice at the end there in most circumstances. but i did let Olivia take the radio, because as awful as it felt I just kept thinking that I couldn't do that to Rex
especially since we just had a ghost moment of Rex telling Riley she has to keep fighting, even though she's going to keep failing? to follow that up with 'or you can just kill yourself now to save these kids'? like it is a horrible thing to do to Olivia but it's a horrible thing to do to Rex too?
honestly, based on my playthrough, the 'right' thing seems to be Jacob going through the portal. few players forced him to because apparently the only way for him to do it is if you force him - I didn't even let him come on the island with me. I saw the prompt that I could stop him and immediately knew that if I didn't he would die. Riley kept seeing visions of her future but Jacob never did. Jacob kept talking to me about how he feels he never did anything important in life, how he likes just chilling in his hometown, how he doesn't have any grand ambition but also wants to do something important and meaningful
when that prompt popped up I thought 'if I go to that island I'm getting sucked into this loop too and I'm not coming back; Jacob doesn't deserve that' and I made him stay. I'm curious now if there's a specific dialogue tree that leads to Jacob deciding, at the end, that him going through that portal and saving everyone by doing what he's always been doing is his way of being a hero. but that wasn't the option i'd been given. instead I had two suicidal people, who both had their whole lives in front of them
#oxenfree#oxenfree lost signals#ultimately i think where I'm at now is... the ending kind of felt. forced? in a way that didn't feel entirely believable?#like oh we can just save everyone now except for whoever goes through the portal to sacrifice themself?#how does that make sense honestly? isn't that basically what alex was trying to do in game 1?#like they were just trying to find some way for there to be an impossible decision for the player at the end#even though the how and why of that impossible decision didn't strictly line up#but i only found like half of the letters and im sure theres a ton more lore stuff to uncover#the weird cult stuff also didn't make any sense to me during play??#i was LAUGHING when we went into the community center and jake was like 'wait this is just... boring astrology stuff??'#like YEAH BUD! thats what ive been saying this whole game!!#every time you or anyone else has been like ooh creepy cult stuff this whole time ive been 'like WHAT'#theres NOTHING to this 'cult' they're KIDS playing with an aesthetic! thats literally it my guy!!#like im still not sure if we were supposed to ever be creeped out by the kids at any point during the game#or if the POINT was 'oh they sound weird but they're just stupid kids'#it does seem very much that thats the theme of the game tho lol#'this sounds big and important and scary but its just idiot kids who dont know what theyre doing puffing their chests'
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BRUH ALMOST SHAT MY PANTS I TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS AND MY NIGHTLIGHT DIDNT TURN ON. SCARIEST SHIT OF MY LIFE
#yes im a grown man who sleeps with a nightlight still#what if the boogeyman gets me#unironically thats why i feel really relieved when i walk at night and see Anybody#i be walking at night alone through a dark ass parking lot with only a single person around in a hoodie and feel intense relief#because what scares me when walking at night is the threat of encountering a ghoul#because like if someone tries to kill me i can fight them idgaf itll fuck my schedule up but its whatever#BUT IF A GHOUL FIGHTS ME OR I SEE SOMETHING I WASNT SUPPOSED TO SEE (supernatural)?#TF IMMA DO#IM FUCKED!!!!!#IM NOT WINNING AGAINST A SCARY ENTITY I DONT KNOW THEIR STATS I DONT KNOW THEIR BEHAVIORS AAAUGUGWJJSE#SO SCARED#IM SO FUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT ENCOUNTER THAT OH MY GOD#have to stop talking abt it im making myself scared rn jesus fucking christ#thank god my nightlight didnt break tho lol just needed a bump to work
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It's aweird thought but, all that I have ever known as my status, I'll never have it again and one day I'll have been an adult more than I have been a kid and one day I'll be further from my kid years longer than I have ever been a kid,
Till you become an adult you switch statuses like once every few years, you're a baby for a year or two then a toddler for a few years after a child and then a tween and and teen and alllll these happen in 18 years
Think about it tho then like the middle aged period lasts like 20 years after that you're old just old till you die
The change never stops but it slows down so so much that it feels permanent
#eelo rambles#this is for night#cuz she apparently liked my 1am ramble#my 7am self is dying seeing it tho#i know what i was on but like.. yeaa thats the whole point of being an adult#its scary and awful and its human#we all go thru it#and thats comforting#even if you feel alone and dont have anyone to dhare the experience with#you are still going thru a path everyone has gone thru#and when you think of it like that#that we are all connected by such experinces#it doesnt feel so lonely anymore#human#ramble#late night thoughts#shower thoughts#idk taggung just so i can find it cuz i think it *is* an interesting thing to think about
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add this to the list of goofy ass personal aus for me and me alone
au where everythings the same but Ozpin's blind thats all
#masky says#again its called SELF indulgence for a reason#im simple i like blind characters who use their blindness to their advantage#ozpin wouldnt be able to rely on ozymandias or any other past lives for sight since they'd need to use HIS body's senses to detect anything#no one can see. its a new experience for almost ever life i'd imagine#but ozpin's grown up without his sight so he knows how to navigate the scary world#hes not totally blind. he can see...vague shapes. very vague.#but thats it.#long memory works as a normal cane and ur usual blind cane#hes memorized beacon's halls along with the usual rush of students and which way they'd come and go to classes so he doesnt get lost in the#-rush if hes ever goin from one place to another alone#glynda usually sticks by his side to act as his guide if hes goin somewhere super crowded#tho i mostly like it cause the vibe of ozpin bein one of those characters who keeps their eyes closed all the time is a VIBE#hes still a top huntsman. hes still the headmaster. hes still one of ozma's many lives#but hes blind. thats all that changes and it changes nothing and also everything#qrow acting as a seeing eye bird when ozpin asks for his help#sitting on his shoulder and cawing if oz nearly bumps into a wall or someone#i know its not real evidence but i do like ozpin memorizing the feel of qrow's facial features#the scruff of his beard the way his skin dips in places where scars linger#he likes touching people hes very touchy. its the best way he knows to see in his own personal way#he wouldnt notice ruby's silver eyes. he'd need to be told later. glynda probably mentions it making ozpin interested even further in her-#-progress and acceptance into his academy
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just emailed last years college secretary, looked into signing up for 2 other colleges, got the details for a job im interested in + texted the friend whose sister works there to see if she can get me Connections and i got another job offer from the place i interned at im soooo cool and adult
#shut up dave#passes out and explodes!!!#its stiiiilll like. so scary#aaand overwhelming#the uni stuffs most stressful once thats over with itll probably be easier to like. deal with having a job#cause even if i dont get the bookstore one i can still go work w the kids ( plus i dont rly wanna like. leave them.#their other young teacher goes on maternity leave this week. so if i dont go there theyll b left with#teachers that not even one of the kids considers their favorites#and thats kinda sad!!#but also i DO need money and. the other month i worked 30hr weeks for a total of $200 a month#so like 50 a week#and current offer is for like 2 hrs a day? thats 3 times less#also it takes me almost an hour to GET there. but i love the kidsss its like worth the effort sometimes. but not rly. every day i think#BUT if i MANAGE to get a part-time thing like a 4 to 10? since my work would end at 2-3 and it takes an hour to get ANYWHERE from there#its be like having a full time thing except i go work in 2 diff places!#sigh. adult life sucks tho i wanna stay inmy room and draw
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If i had to pick (and lbr you do) between either roman or tomgreg being canonically gay and explored in the series id pick roman 100%. Tomgreg going canon would set gay rights back by like 40 years
#like its still a big tv show they can only have one gay person on it#succ#i think tomgreg will always be reaching new insane heights of whatever the fucknis wrong with them#but roman. roman.#the gerri thing was completely a mommy issues deal#roman ‘for reasons of … we dont know why i cant pee next to other men’ roy#i enjoy watching his torment and quite frankly i cant think of anything that would turn him inside out with misery#quite like the slow tortuous realization that everything his father is disgusted by in him#are the things that make him feel happy and at peace and loved#i hope his interactions with mattson are confusing and scary and addicting and he keeps going back#mencken works too but im sorry that more boring.2 me. ohhh hes into it bc facism bad but he likes when thing bad we get it.#thats the same thing hes been doing tho#now imagine: rome but hes in a relationship with someone whos a little fascinated by him#this dettached deadeyed weirdo who doesnt roll his eyes when he speaks#and instead seems to listen to every word and remember what he says#and who maybe. just maybe. even cares about him#like mattson would definitely treat him like a bug under glass but roman ‘dog cage and chocolatte cake’ roy#would easily mistake that for love#idk not articulating it well. might write a fic abt it. we’ll see#tomgreg canon truthers btw no hate i lov the ship sorry if this shows up in the tag#but theyre definitely going to be in weird limbo forever & ever#i think at best tomgreg will become canon? (audible question mark)#i think they could fuck nasty and weird on screen and tom would start gaslighting greg into thinking it didnt happen#because nothing like. nice or good happens in the show its about misery#i want tomgreg to stay on ao3 so i can read abt tom healing after leaving waystar#anyways!#chatter
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I went running down the stairs and screamed to my mum in the liveng room from the hallway "THE QUANTUM BARRIER BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION HAS BROKEN AND NOW WE'RE IN A SILENT HILL GAME, THE SKY'S GREEN I'M TELLING YOU GREEN¡"
#THERES A MASSIVE STORM AND THE COLORS OF THE SKYS CHANGIN#ITS SCARY AF#im mostly afraid its because of chemical fumes thats why the sky has funny colors#it has happened before there was a storm for a few days because of a fire in a factory#i shouldn't worry tho' cuz it's forecasted but still
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i am unknowable and incapable of love goodnight <3
#romantic love i mean#against my will tho bc i want love so bad#but tbh i never feel anything more than awkward when i date 😬#i only feel comfortable with people when there's no romantic pressure idk#would genuinely love to build a platonic life with someone why do i have to be in love to marry someone and have a family w them 😭#love is real im just never going to experience it btw#but i still would like companionship and i really want kids tbh#i dont want to settle for not love in a relationship where thats expected or wanted and the other person loves me#but if it was an entirely platonic no pressure relationship that would be nice#maybe that would grow into love but the pressure of romance right off the bat kills the romance#in need to be close friends for like a decade first#sorry sorry im rambling insane thoughts its 11:30 and i just decided to break up with someone#and he's staying at my home so im even more painfully aware of having another person so deeply involved in my life that they become family#sorry you're not family i dont know anyone but my family well enough to let them be family and i never will please get out of my house#i make no sense but basically i love my family and want kids of my own but i dont want romance in there just platonic family love#romantic love is too hard to find and scary and weird i basically want to live with my actual family and adopt some kids someday sorry#this might change if i met the right person but i would need to be friends with them for a long time with no pressure first#and looking for that person is too forced and weird#anyway#its 11:30 in my 20s a week before valentine's day so naturally i am going insane that's all goodnight
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