#its so tiring and hurtful. like knowing a bunch of my friends who i care about dearly are just never going to try

[strawberryjason]

really fucking feels like i have the laziest group of friends in the fucking world sometimes

[worldlxvlys]

part two of Chris texts but he has a toxic gf? :)

texts w/ chris who has a toxic gf (p2)

chris sturniolo x reader

warnings: cursing, chris is in a toxic relationship

a/n: <333

“hello” i was met with the sound of chris’s hoarse voice.

“chris, what happened ?” i asked.

“i mean, at first she was just saying a bunch of random nonsense. but then she started talking about you and-” his voice broke slightly and he let out a deep sigh.

“i don’t know, i just never want to hurt you. and you’re always there for me, and it’s like- i mean, doesn’t it get annoying?” his voice was gentle, and it was obvious he had given this plenty of thought.

“like, aren’t you tired of always catching me when i fall? or being my shoulder to cry on? picking me up when she abandons me at a random party? wiping my tears away after she makes me cry?” i realized he was crying as he spoke the words.

“chris, listen to me. i would do anything for you. anything. i’m your best friend, of course i’m gonna look after you. it’s not tiring or a burden to me, if i get to see you smile again, it’s worth it. you’re worth everything”

“and i’m sorry, but she’s the problem. you’re right, i am there to take care of you after she fucks up. i’m not gonna tell you what to do, but i don’t want to see you continue to get hurt by her. “

“i know” he whispered.

“there’s only so much i can do, chris. you need to decide if this relationship with her is worth the pain. either way, i’ll be here for you. always.”

“i love and appreciate you more than i can put into words”

“it’s ok, you don’t have to”

——————

masterlist

tag list: @lustfulslxt @gwenlore @flowerxbunnie @sturnssx @mattslolita @its-jennarose @sturnsdior @sophssturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @queen161718 @cupidsword @imwetforyourmom @nickmillersn1gf @stramboli4life @mattsneezing @chrisstankyleg @sturniolobltch @vib3swithanuk @ciarasturn1 @bethsturn @bernardenjoyer @mbbsgf @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @ssturniolo @blueeyedbesson @mxqdii @sturniolowhore @rheaakayourname @defnotayonna @urmom2bitch @abbie13sworld @starsturniolo @hearts4chriss @theyluv-meee @sturns-posts @carolinalikesthings @itzdarling @chrisstopherfilmed @judespoision @sstvrnioloo @littlebookworm803 @nicksdrpepper @chrisloyalgf @robins-scoop @fandomhopped @chr1sgirl4life @bbglmfao @ilovethesturniolotriplets @sturniolololover @55sturn

[ittybittyremy]

imagine how dorian felt during that whole kerfuffle

Two days ago, his brother died and the Crown Keepers separated, all because of the Spider Queen.

A couple of hours ago, he and Orym reminisced about how Orym put a blade to his chest and told him not to put the crown on his head. Something that Dorian is clearly grateful for now. ("Otherwise, I wouldn't be here right now")

Now, he woke up to two of his friends fighting. Then, Laudna claims that the blade on Orym's back will corrupt him "just like it corrupted Otohan." He's still catching up on everything, but he knows that's the name of the person who killed Orym's husband and father. To put it simply, he just heard that Orym may become corrupt like his family's killer was because of a sword.

And here's the thing: He's seen a real cursed item before. He's felt the lure of one and has seen/experienced the consequences of holding onto one. His brother's death was one of those consequences 2 days ago! And now there's apparently another cursed item that's on his "very good friend's" back. The same "very good friend" who he just talked about the crown with. The same "very good friend" who put a blade to his chest so long ago.

Then later, it turns out that the item Laudna was so insistent on being cursed (to the point of injuring another party member [be it unintentional]) is actually not cursed.

Now he's listening to Laudna talk about how she wants to take the blade in energy while belittling Orym for taking it in hand. (Yes, I am aware that this is very simplified)

After all this, Dorian finally gives his opinion.

I think [Orym] should keep it. It's just a thing. I'm so tired of things having control over us. You two are friends. It was his to possess and you tried to steal it from him... It is just a thing. Its history doesn't shape us. Our actions do. [Laudna's] actions tell me that [she did] not have enough trust in [her] friends... What would it have mattered if [Otohon] cut him down with a handaxe or a stick from the street? It was not the thing that did the action. It was the person. It does not matter.

I believe that there are two routes to Dorian's mindset

Gilmore's Wisdom: When the Crown Keepers discuss the circlet with Gilmore, he says something very interesting. "The Spider Queen herself is dark, is evil, but the vestige is simply power, and it is whatever you make it into. Power simply is." (E1x03).

Orym's Threat: Orym confronted him when he saw that he could hold the circlet without issue. He put a sword to his chest and told him to put it down. Dorian did so, saying, "I care about you more than this" (E1x05).

Dorian's point is a combination of those two things. To put it simply, Dorian's point was that friends are more important than objects because objects are just things.

And before I see anyone else blabbering about how Dorian is a hypocrite because of how Cyrus died, Opal didn't kill him, and neither did the circlet itself. It was the Spider Queen that killed him.

During all this, he discovered that Orym, Fearne, Laudna, and Chetney had died due to the blade. He also discovered that Orym made a deal with Fearne's grandmother "to help [them] do the things that [they] have to do. Hopefully in the next episode, Dorian is able to fully process all that information

Side Note: In between those words, Dorian admits that he doesn't fully understand the situation ("You do not know what you speak." "I do not"). Apparently, this is a hot take, but I think that him being the outsider of the situation made him the most clear-headed of the group. He wasn't hurt by Ottahan like the rest of Bells Hells had been. So, he has the least biased view of the bunch (still biased but not as biased as the others).

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk!

[teaableu]

feelin down and i just love this blog sm. i was wondering if u had any dtk (or kidstar) hc’s u wanted to share maybe. if not though i hope u have a wonderful day, seeing u on my dash always makes me smile.

OH MY GOD A SOUL EATER ASK?? /POS

i just got a huge serotonin boost tysm anon

YES I DO I JUST GOTTA GO GRAB EM

dtk:

the older Kid gets the less human he seems. Like once he's a full shinigami he gets a whole bunch of power that his dad had that sort of strip away his likeness to humans

going off of ^^ I think Kid's human form is constructed. His true form probably looks more like LD but it's not something he was particularly taught to embody/access so he just sorta stays in his human form

HOWEVER, I really like the idea that Kid just sorta.. generally freaks people out. There's a theory of horror that says monster characters can feel scary just because even though they look it, people can tell they are not quite human. and i think Kid has exactly that effect on people

Kid has regenerative powers because his human form is more of a construct/image than an actual biological organism. he's really made of the same stuff from LD's "cape". so he can't really be killed or severely injured for long, especially as he matures and gets more powerful. I think the only way he can take permanent damage is if his soul itself is affected. Sure he can be hurt and it does hurt but soon he learns to sort of turn off extreme pain, and he always ALWAYS regenerates or recovers. But he's always aware that his friends don't. so if he needs to he'll throw himself in front of his human friends if they're dealt a fatal hit to make sure they aren't severely hurt. This becomes a bad habit when he's older. But his friends always try to protect him too and take care of him, and he unlearns the habit

Liz and Patty set him up on social media and he started with a whopping 1 follower for like a week, but then got millions of followers overnight after Soul (who has a good following count bc of his family's social status) mentioned him and everyone freaked out. That was the way the world found out Lord Death's kid existed. He and Soul destroy bullies together online. Patty pretends to be Kid on his account.

Kid is the Adrien Agreste of soul eater. very popular, people love the image they see of him in the news and interviews and stuff (I think its a lot harder for him to avoid publicity after the anime), but he's a lot different in person and only really gets close to the people who get to know him. everyone else has a sort of skewed perception of him. AKA he is Death's Son and Death's son only to them

Kid can sing but he typically doesn't because he likes to prepare first but doesn't particularly want to take the time to learn a song correctly. He appreciates the art but wouldn't do it. the only thing he knows well is some ancient song his dad taught him in some sort of inhuman language. he sang it ONE time and it freaked Liz out so much she didn't speak to him for a week

Before Kid took them in, Liz would sing ONLY for Patty. And only to comfort her. She did this after they moved into the manor too, when Patty would get nightmares from their life before or just generally have a hard time or anything. One time after Patty woke up from a nightmare and Liz went in to calm her down, Kid was walking by and just stopped at the almost-closed door when he heard Liz singing because A. He wants to know if his sisters are ok and B. He probably doesn't hear many people sing casually, and has definitely never heard Liz sing before and it's... nice?? He stays there for a while but moves on the second Liz finishes so he's not caught. He doesn't say anything. But then after one awful awful mission, Liz is singing to help Patty sleep and Kid just. Stands in the doorway, disheveled and exhausted and they all just,, stare at each other for a moment until Patty opens her arms and Kid shuffles over, a little embarrassed and puts his head in her lap. They are all very tired. And then Liz (after getting over herself) just keeps singing until the two of them fall asleep

Kid only knows how to cry/to cry when he's upset because he saw Maka do it when they were young and now he's a pro. Because he only really LOOKS human a lot of human behavior doesn't come naturally for him so he learns from humans around him. He's much better at mimicking and adopting human behavior than Lord Death, which was LD's whole idea

He's shorter than Liz and Patty until he's about 20, then he's shorter than Liz but taller than Patty

Kid can pick up languages really easily. I think if he's immersed he can speak fluently after a couple hours

I've thought about a thing where individual people outside of Death City think he looks different than how anyone else sees him, like a sort of PJO Aphrodite situation but that may be too much of an identity crisis for him lol

There are no government records confirming Kid exists. The only document or ID he has is that little card from LD that says I'm LD's son I can do what I want and nobody questions it

Kid's human form ages normally until he's an adult but when he's mature his aging slows until it finally stops at some point, not sure when.. maybe around appearing 40?

he is gay and ace and has a very loose concept of gender

only Liz and Patty can touch his hair but only when they're at home

Kid and Maka are besties I don't make the rules. She is the only one he will allow to help with his detective work

Kid and Patty cannot be left unsupervised together or there will be some sort of chaos. they are scarily effective on duo missions, even though Kid doesn't use Patty as a weapon for those occasions

Kid doesn't need to sleep but he does if there are other people around (having Liz and Patty in the house helps) because it's refreshing and he read somewhere it helps build trust

Eyes glow in the dark and he can see fine in the dark

Kidstar:

They're about the same height but Black Star gets a growth spurt and is a few inches taller when they're adults

Kid figures out his feelings first (takes a bit rip) but doesn't do anything about them because he feels like he can't because of his responsibilities

^^ That being said I think Black Star has always been generally aware of his feelings for Kid but he doesn't actually put two and two together until literally the moment before he makes his move lol

I don't think they refer to the other as their boyfriend specifically (at least not often) they just sorta... idk man they're partners, they can't describe their relationship in words dont look at me i'm sobbing

first kiss in the rain lets go

majority of physical affection they do is like. hand holding or light touches on the shoulder or arm it is very special to them

more of a future thing (i got a whole future au so ofc i'll talk abt a future thing lol) i dont think they'd ever feel the need to get married bc they're both stubborn and they got all of eternity to be together and I think a lot of their relationship just generally remains unlabelled and unspoken it just IS

OH sort of ignoring my second kidstar hc I had a hc they got together sometime before the mission to the arctic but nobody except like. Killik knew

For funsies I'll throw in a couple of Black Star headcanons

Tsubaki is teaching him Japanese and how to cook

^^ he likes to cook for his friends even though he's not that good at it yet

Mom is Latina I have some stuff about her here. He starts to learn Spanish after he finds out about her

First partner and first kiss was Killik but they had a mutual and friendly break up

Somehow beats mortality while remaining human idk how he just does ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That is all I can think of right now but I hope you enjoy :)

[nonjewishzionist]

History of Jews in a nutshell (please correct me if I’m wrong):

Canaanite people like: fk I’m starving, there is no food, but I heard the Egyptians acros the street (border) have tons of food, maybe they give us some

*gets enslaved*

- fk, this did not go as I planned

*fast forward 400 years*

- hey my fellow hebrews, you know what? I’m tired of this shit, I’m going back home, who’s with me?

*jews arrive in the promised land*

-ah nice, im finally home, you know what? I’m building a kingdom here or something

*Israel and Judea enter the chat*

-ah, I love this man, having a country for Jews and stuff, where Jews can more or less feel safe and all, I say more or less because there is constantly war day in day in so…

*Romans enter the chat*

- Veni, Vici and this shit is all mine now

- hey you mf Italians go back to where you came from, tf are you doing in my country?

- like I said this shit is all mine now, you can go and fk off somewhere else

- ima fight you and turn you into pizzas since you like them so much

- hahaha you lost, now fk off outta my land, and as punishment ima name this joint Filistine in honor of your arch enemies the filistines around the corner

*rinse and repeat during 5000 years of Jews trying to come back to their home and being kicked out of wtv the place they are, left with no choice but to spread all over the planet*

*fish and chips enters the chat*

- you know what Otomans, you lost ww1 so this joint is mine now

*brits watching in first row how Jews and Muslims beat each other arse just because*

*ww2 enters the chat*

*jews try to flee to British mandate but get told once more to fk off*

*ww2 exits the chat*

*Jews and Muslims fights in the Mandate escalate*

- you know what people? You can kill your selves all you want now, I’m outta here back to England

*fish and chips exists the chat*

Jews: so, you getting out of here right? Can we finally have, like, our land back, like officially? I know Jews have been living here for 5000 years and shit but I would like an official country where the Jews that have been living in diaspora for 5000 years can come back to, you know? To avoid things like ww2, you know? Yeah that would be nice.

Brits: wtv take this piece and give this other piece to Muslims, at least that way you people stop fighting.

*its 48 Israel is born a second time*

- fina fricking lly, hey Jews you can come back home now

*Arab league and other extremists enter the chat*

- ima bomb your ass off, you mf infideles come here steal my shit?

Countries that did an Expellijews after Israel independence: yeah yeah right these mf come from Europe and steal our land, let’s bomb them to dust (yes I know some of them were expelled by me and my homies but who cares?)

*Arab league and friends start a gazilion of wars with Israel, loose them all and get butt hurt from it*

- ya know what? We can’t beat those mf by bomb let’s beat them with marketing, after all those naz1 did it back in ww2, why can’t we?

*1967 enters the chat*

- yeah so, I got high as a kite last night and I decided that yall people within this line and no longer Jordanians and shit, now yall Palestinians, that will make those mf infideles gtfo… and we can drop a bomb or two just so we don’t loose the practice

*Arab league and friends start another gazilion of wars, and loose them all again*

*Iron Dome, checkpoints and other technology enter the chat*

Arab league and friends: those mf dare to defend them selves? What a nerv! I’ll show them, hey marketing! What’s taking you so long? Start with those dumbfucks in some murican universities…

*marketing works*

Israelis like: dear hashem, wtf Are you doing up there? Taking a nap? Look at this shit! Just send another meteor because… look at this!!! These people are dumber than dumbness! It took me 5000 years to get my fking home back, 5000 years man!!!! And now, I got my fking home back and the neighbors are a bunch of crackheads that only know how to explode shit, act worse than kids in the kindergarten, don’t go to therapy and to make things worse, the people from other countries are getting dumber and dumber by the day. I don’t know what is worse!!!! If you don’t do nothing I’m building a rocket to Mars and leave these idiots here…

[bored-dom]

Long post:

An undertale Au that I'll never work on because I don't have time. But because its been living in my head for a while I'm just gonna lay some things out in hopes it leaves my mind.

For clarification I don't ship Frans (I don't really ship anything) but I made this and wanted to be part of the story for some reason. (Its also a better version of a terrible Frans au I made a while ago)

Well technically its more of a UTDR Au becuase plot: Frisk is the seventh soul (eighth if you count Chara) Frisk makes it through the ruins and ends up killing Toriel. Frisk tries to make it through snowdin and waterfall, dies a bunch of times, gives up, resets and stays in the ruins. (Yes Toriel is still dead)

Frisk stays in the ruins, then many years later another human falls (Kris? I'm not sure if I want it to be a UTDR AU honestly) and Frisk is like, "yeah I'll help you make your way through the underground"

Ignoreing that part though, from Frisks time in the ruins, they're the one who ends up talking to Sans threw the door. Frisk ends up confessing to Killing Toriel, and Sans is something like " bro why tf would you do that? She was my friend" and Frisk is like "She tried to kill me first" eventually Sans just kinda gives up on caring about it since there's nothing he can really do about it. They talk to each other through the door, up unit the last human falls.

Thats when they finally meet each other face to face. Sans wasn't the judge yet when Frisk first went through the underground. Sans, at this point, doesn't really consider Frisk a Friend or anything like that, just someone he can talk to when he needs to. He is annoyed an slightly concerned that since Frisk left the ruins they might end up hurting other people so he keeps an eye on both them and the human Child.

Frisk on the other hand is aware of Sans suspicions and purposefully makes him worried about what they might do (when in reality they have no actual desire to harm anyone else). The reason Frisk does this is because they like him and his reactions, but they're 100% aware that Sans doesn't like them, and probably won't like them. So they just annoy him for the fun of it.(Their logic doesn't make sense I know)

I know this may not sound like Frans, but it is. It involves one of my favorite ship dynamics: Annoying "psychopath" X Someone too apathetic/tired to care.

When Frisk first fell they were 12, by the time the next human fell they're around 22

Here's the Kris vs my idea for an original Fallen human (Their name is Chance or Nova idk)

Poorly drawn because it was done quickly. If I did Nova/Chance their soul would be Justice.

Frisk would still have control over the timelines and would be the one bringing the human back to life, and giving advice on how they should continue.

The reason Sans doesn't have a Jacket in the first picture is because he gives it to the kid.

The fallen child is around 11-13 I'm honestly not sure about the age.

Honestly I want to work on this AU, but there is so much to it, I doubt I ever will. And if you made it this far and read all if this then... thank you! And if you have any questions please ask, I kinda want to talk about this for a littlebit. But I know it was a lot so I highly doubt anything will come from this post.

[the-eldritch-it-gay]

15 Lines of Dialogue

15 Lines of Dialogue Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

I was tagged by @omgkalyppso tysm!! I'm low spoons so I won't tag anyone directly and its hard keeping track of which of my friends is writing stuff ;;

Majexatli

I grabbed these from a bunch of different places, including some WIPs. But published fics included can be found x x x x

“It’s alright,” Majexatli said, even as the tension didn’t leave them, “My reflex would be to wildshape, not attack,”

“Apologies, I just…needed to get away,” Majexatli said, leaning back on their hands with a sigh, now stripped down to their breeches and laced tunic, rumpled and stained with blood, “I’m not used to… this. People. Before the Nautiloid I would go weeks without seeing other people, now there’s countless every day.”

“Sorry, it’s been a long day, I’m a little… out of it,” They smiled politely, forcing their shoulders to relax as much as they could.

“Having a title you feel you aren’t living up to? Does it hurt?”

“He’s married now. Has children, even. A beautiful family, I’m sure. Makes sense, it’s been 20 years. I haven’t been back since. Word is he’ll make archdruid one day, his friends are highly respected as well, always have been,”

“I don’t care for the title,” Majexatli said, then added, almost inaudible, “Not this time,”

“I told you not to do that, Althyran,”

“Speak of my people like that again and see what happens,”

“I’m not cursed. I chose to be this way. I chose Malar,”

“If you wished that a druid and faithwarden was standing before you, then I apologize, but Silvanus and his balance killed that person without second thought. If you don’t care about that young druid named Faithwarden who died alone, then I suppose it’s fitting you serve Silvanus.”

“I did this selfishly. I didn’t protect anyone. I became this to survive.”

“It’s fine, I’m just tired and not well. I’ll be better tomorrow, if Silvanus wills,” The Oak Father’s name felt bitter on their tongue.

“Perhaps you just haven’t been around enough tieflings,” Majexatli’s voice was calm, tinged with a politeness that seemed at odds with their body language.

“I don’t have another life, just this one, where I met you,”

I can hear the blood in your veins. I hunger to tear open your flesh and devour you. The desire consumes my mind. I will hurt you. It is only a matter of time.

Abjid

It's been a while since I talked about them but they hold a place in my heart. Abjid has a few iterations, most of these are their Dragon Age version, just because I've written the most about that version. Another mix of unpublished and published things, I would give links but I grabbed most of these from my gdrive, with the exception of the d&d abjid piece which accounts for 9-12 which is here

“Apologies, most animals don’t take kindly to my presence,” They said, not looking up from the fire. He recognized their accent as being faintly Orlesian.

“I don’t believe in neutrality,” They said eventually, “You have a blade in your hand, I am giving you a whetstone. Now you are faced with the option to sharpen it or not. I’m not here to coax the blade from your hand, nor coax you to use it. Perhaps I enable you, perhaps not. Perhaps I’m here simply to stoke the flames of your self-torment and draw out your hesitation and conflicted feelings. Perhaps, though, I’m just bored. I’ve done my part though, now it’s in your hands.” 

“I doubt it. One really knows me. You know scary stories and rumors, you think what stands before is the amalgamation of all the half-remembered ghost stories and rumors whispered fearfully by people whose voice shakes the same way it does when they stutter prayers to their god in the vain belief it will wash the blood from their hands. And perhaps that is all I am, perhaps I don’t deserve a proper name if my existence is but a noun too vague and blurred at the edges to be proper,”

“Try not to move, by the way, or exert yourself overmuch. Or panic. You know, all the standard things, you know the drill. I’m sure Anders��� would hate it if I let someone like you die in his clinic. But as always, the Creators and fate like to test me…”

“Mm, well, you know, generally one wants assassinations to be quiet. Rather hard to do if the victim is panicking and shouting as they succumb to poison. Have to choose the right poison, no one likes when things get messy and you have to dirty your own clothes and blade, or at least in Orlais. Shame really, Kirkwall does tend to lack the same... theatrical element to its politics, makes it all quite boring if you were to ask me,” 

“So wanting just revenge is a trait of demons now? I really must have been away for a long time then, glad I left the Chantry a lifetime ago,”

“That’s the problem with the Chantry’s dichotomy of demons and spirits. Nothing’s as clear-cut as that. Demons, Spirits, whatever lives in the Fade, they all are just as diverse as people. There are good people, there are bad people, but most people are some mix of the two. Demons can be good, spirits can be evil, most are far more complex. My husband’s far more versed in the theology of it.”

"There aren’t many job opportunities for abominations, you know. It was this or becoming a politician, and I’ve never been fond of human politics."

“I woke up with a lot of things, so I mean, why not? Being possessed was the least of my concerns then, hardly even noticed it. When I did later, I…,” They laughed again, pain creeping through the cracks, “I figured with everything else that happened, this might as well happen too.”

“I tried-– I tried a lot of things, for a lot of years, but… nothing ever stuck. I tried so hard for years. And I don’t have the energy to fight back anymore. No matter what happens, no matter what I do or what I want, I will always end up killing someone and so it’s best just to… not care.”

“Does it matter what I want? Do you ask a blade what it wants? Should I keep building a sandcastle of hope right as the high tide rolls in? No matter what I build or don’t, it doesn’t stop the tide. I can’t control the ocean, I’m just a body washed up on shore. Should I rage against the waves and try to change the sea? What will that change? All I can do is build those sandcastles between the tides. You don’t have to agree or like me Keane, it’s best if you don’t. But I’m tired. Whether you direct your ire at the builder or the tide, the blade or the wielder, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“I’m tired, Keane. What I want doesn’t matter, it didn’t even matter when I was alive.”

[bykii]

angst for whatever character u want i dont really care who its just been on my mind

minors dni 18+ | pronouns: gender neutral |contains: angst, like smidge of fluff, no named best friend, uhhhh i felt played so u guys have to as well

he was always so sweet, the way your best friend would care for you. taking care of you when you're ill, wordlessly giving his jacket when you were cold, even offering to carry you to the car when your feet hurt after a long day of hanging out. your heart grew fond of the way he treated you, making your feelings impossible to bottle up. even his friends knew about your admiration with him being more than oblivious to how you've been around him.

it was one night, he had come over after you needed a break from work. you've been so stressed you nearly exploded at your coworkers before clocking out. luckily, he had come over with snacks and flowers to cheer you up. all his actions made you question how he felt about you. it was sweet.

the two of you decided on a movie to cooldown. he plopped himself on the couch, opening his arms to invite you in. shrugging to yourself, you found a spot engulfed in his warmth. the movie was slow and long for such an overhyped film. a yawn escapes your mouth which prompted your best friend to giggle. you hummed on his chest, fighting your sleep. he pressed a kiss on your head as a sign of reassurance to succumb to your slumber.

then another kiss on your forehead. thus prompting you to tilt your head up to look at him.

then one on your nose. your cheeks were glowing bright with color. you both locked eyes at one another. a smile plastered on his face as he looked down at you. something in your brain was buffering for a second when you examined his features.

out of curiosity, you pursed your lips out at him. he snickers to himself before leaning down to press his lips onto yours. his lips were soft and comforting. what was going on? kissing your best friend was never in your books. you pulled away, staring back at him. "sleep, i know you're tired," he said softly.

"but we're hanging out," you whined.

"i'll be fine, just sleep here," his hand rubbed your back while the other turned off the movie. you sighed, admittedly your eyes were already getting droopy at the sight of the film. you looked up once more, only this time he puckered his lips out to you.

one last kiss before sleeping.

it was only a week or so later. you, him, and all his friends hanging out at one of their houses. everyone was doing something different, some playing video games, others just talking, whilst you mind yourself at the kitchen counter. you admired how well he would get along with his friends.

your phone began to buzz, it was work. rolling your eyes, you stepped into the hallway to take the call. they were asking a bunch technical things, hours, overtime, blah blah blah. soon after the phone call ended, you stared at your screen before walking out the hallway. yet, something caught your ear, halting your steps.

"yeah they were so sweet!" you heard. "i took them to that one cafe by the college. we talked about work, interests, and just random stuff."

"i take it the date went well?" one of his friend's states.

"what about y/n?" another asked. "did you tell 'em about the date?"

"not yet. i don't think i wanna say anything to them until i know how i feel about this date," your best friend spoke. "we already planned another date so, i'm excited."

"did you guys kiss or anything?" the friend speaks again.

"mhm, we held hands most of the time we were together," he chuckled. "i think i'm starting to like them. i hope things go well."

that was the moment. all the voices tuned out, sick to your stomach, not sure to speak up or to run away. your chest hurt even more, thinking back to when you two kissed. thoughts flooded your head with regrets. was it just for fun? did the kiss mean nothing to him? why would he kiss you back if it didn't mean anything?

fighting your tears, you took a deep breath before taking a step out from the hall. eyes moved to look at your figure. you couldn't bear to make eye contact with anyone but you could feel the worry emit from his friends. "oh! y/n i didn't know you were back there i thought you were in the kitchen?" he asked, tilting his head.

"oh," you said softly. "it was too loud out here so i went back here to answer a work call."

"oh, did you-" he starts but you cut him off quickly.

"i have to go, work called me in. they need a lead on shift and i'm the only one reliable," you lied thru your teeth. your chest pain sharpened. "thanks for inviting me, i'll see you guys next time."

heading for the door, your steps were quick. "y/n, wait let me walk you out!" your best friend called out.

stupid.

"why are you walking so fast? i said i'd walk you out," he huffed as he caught up to you at the apartments elevator.

his stupid kindness.

"don't wanna be late," you grumbled. "go back to the guys, i'll be fine."

stupid caring self.

"y/n, i always walk-"

stupid. stupid. stupid.

you thought.

"i said i'm fine," you snapped. "i'll see you when i see you."

ding.

the elevator opened, you stepped in. not realizing there were tears running down your face. you turned around, facing him. concern was written all over his face. you wiped your face as the doors began to shut. locking eyes with him one last time, before never seeing him again.

[kawaiipsycho101]

Inspired by the wonderful cat!Shinji AU created by @jo-gakky

I'm taking a walk when I notice a cat hanging upside down in a tree. It doesn't seem to be particularly bothered by its current position, as if this was something they were regularly used to. Still, I want to be sure.

"You okay there, buddy?" I ask. The cat looks at me at me before calmy & gracefully untangling itself from the branch. I let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, then."

I get a closer look at the cat as it hops onto a fencepost. Gangly limbs, white paws, & a nub of a tail meaning the poor thing must've been in an accident at some point...at least, I hope it was an accident.

"Funny lookin' thing, ain'tchya?" The cat, who had been ignoring me whilst grooming itself, suddenly gets up & disappears into someone's backyard. "I meant unique! Unique!" I droop when it doesn't come back.

I see it again a few days later & take a few steps towards it while still keeping my distance.

“Hey," I wave, "I'm sorry about what I said earlier. That was rude of me. If it makes ya feel any better, I still think you're cute. I like unique lookin' cats. Anyway, we cool?"

The cat meows at me.

"I'm taking that as a yes."

Later that evening, I spot the cat around my backyard. Wasting no time, I grab some cat food.

"Hello again." Like before, I approach with caution. "I had some food lyin' around & thought you might like some." I set the small dish on the ground. "It's probably not as good as what you'd find in the wild, but I know it's gettin' cold out & I figure it's better than nothin', ya know?"

The cat just looks at me. With a tired sigh, I take a few steps back & sit down.

"Well, if you don't eat it, maybe the raccoons will, I don't care... Just don't want it to go to waste, ya know?"

We stare at each other for a while before I eventually go back inside. When I check the food dish the next morning, most of the kibble's been eaten. I refill it.

A few days later, I spot the cat eating out of the dish.

"Mind if I join you?" I sit down not too far from them when I'm ignored. "Thanks."

I watch them eat for a bit... Then I start talking.

"I miss seein' cats around here. My neighbor had a bunch & would feed the strays, but when she moved away, they just stopped comin' around. Of course, I had my own cat to worry about." I hug my knees to my chest. "Not anymore though, she passed away not too long ago. Had her for over twenty years... Since I was a little kid. She was a bitch & a psycho, & it took ten years for her to warm up to me...but she was a damn good cat. I miss her." I tilt my head back, so any potential tears can go right back into their ducts. "It's weird...not seein' her outside my room or on my bed when I wake up. It's..." I shake my head & stand back up, turning to head back inside. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be botherin' ya while you eat. I'll leave ya to it-"

Something jumps onto my back before clawing its way onto my shoulder. I'm not proud of the noises I make.

Next thing I know, a golden furry flank is pressed against my cheek as the little bastard purrs right in my ear.

"Look-ow!-sweetie, while I really appreciate the-shit!-lovin', I really need you to-fuck me, that smarts!- get down now."

By the time the cat's off of me, I've gained many scratches & while they hurt like a bitch, I can't help but laugh as it scampers away looking far too pleased with itself.

After that, it's always underfoot whenever I go on walks, leading me to christen them with the title, Lil' Shit, a badge they seem to wear with pride. I don't mind...much. I'm just happy to have a furry friend again.

A few weeks later, I wake up in the middle of the night with hunger pangs. I toss & turn, try to wait them out, but they won't go away. Resigned, I go to the kitchen for a granola bar.

What I find is a nearly six-foot-tall shirtless young man in sweatpants with cat ears & a tail that are most certainly attached to his body raiding my refrigerator. We stare at each other for a solid minute before I slump onto the lid of my garbage can.

"...Huh."

@jo-gakky

[faithfromanewperspective]

does anyone just go through life watching people get more and more scared around them. and get that feeling of when it’s humid and you know it’s about to rain, even storm, and your hair gets all frizzy and you feel all sticky with the humidity and you think, it’s building up to something. it’s gonna happen soon. and you know before a big storm if you’ve got animals under your care, the first thing to do is make sure they’re all safe before the storm hits. that they’re all under shelter and with their friends who will tell them it’s okay? but some of them are trying their damnedest to just keep living their lives and you’re like. honey I wish I could leave you outside but you can go back to that tomorrow! in the meantime we got something we all gotta do

yeah that’s what interacting with christians feels like rn. picking up leadership I never asked for with a bunch of people I don’t even agree with over most things. watching them get all stressed about imaginary political threats and being like. yeah. there’s a reason those things are happening I’ve seen the way people get hurt when we have it otherwise but okay honey. have your little rant. I’m done being mad at you or trying to change you; that never addresses the fear underneath that makes you so awful. It’s not going to help anyone to ask you to act like it doesn’t exist. and it’s so much better for my mental health when I have compassion on you and I’m not angry at you anymore. I’m not scared of you. I know what to expect and I know nothing can make me compromise my beliefs.

but I am tired. it is discouraging to exist like this, when I’ve lived my whole life being told christians were better. they’re not like this. but it’s the build up isn’t it? it’s just the humidity before the storm. and I know what to do, I’ve done it a thousand times for our big summer storms and cyclones. I look out for people and I try to make sure they’re safe. physically, emotionally, however else. I make sure I keep an eye on things so I know how to keep myself safe. have somewhere I can go in a hurry. remind myself it’s uncomfortable now and it’ll be ugly later for a little while but the weather doesn’t last forever. we’ll be better for it. maybe it’s once in a millennium kind of storm, just to expose the colonialism and abuse of power for what it is, wash us clean of its lasting influence. things won’t be like this forever.

so keep yourself safe in the storm. be responsible and don’t forget self care, also don’t forget to have compassion, but in the end it’s not your job to make sure every last one of them is safe. it’s scary to be out in the storm, but so is the shower when you first try it as a child. have compassion on those who you can. there will always be those around you who need it. and you’re only a sheep. I say as I try to brainstorm how we decolonise this institution whose power would be terrifying if not for how it pales in comparison to a deity we know cares for the oppressed as much as we do. you don’t control the weather. maybe the bulk of it will happen on its own and we can trust the process. I get down from the podium. I go into the barn and try to sit with the animals who won’t bite me for saying this because holy fuck I was only supposed to be a sheep

[cranberrytea451]

@fluffychubbydragon

Okay, so this one is dark. I think I've mentioned before that I usually write horror/drama, I tried to scale back on it for this because idk how id feel about dropping the stuff I usually write on my undertale sans Tumblr.

So ⚠️ warning for abuse, suffocation, implied suicidal thoughts... you know... bad stuff. it's Nightmare sans what do you want from me?

Also, Nightmare's voice sounds like Pinhead, cause I said so.

You'd been having nightmares. Not that it wasn't expected, your waking life was a nightmare of itself. Perhaps even more frightening than the apparitions haunting your sleeping mind.

You applied ice to the diarrhea colored bruise smoothed over your jaw. Hacking out the blood filling in your mouth and counting your teeth with a bitten tongue.

The bathroom mirror reflected your face. It would even make a demon wince in pity.

Your empty stomach churned, you'd vomit if you had anything in it.

The evidence of your uneasy sleep was marked clearly under your eyes, with the skin bunched up like a caterpillar squirming to burst from its cocoon.

The interview you had tomorrow was a bust when you walked in looking like this. You needed that job. You couldn't escape without it. You had no money, no friends, and no family left that would take you in. All you had was–

"Here."

Your significant other dabbed red spit glistening from your chin.

Anger swelled up inside you, begging to pop like a zit gored with pus. Instinctively, you wanted to wrap your hand around their neck; rationally, you knew they beat you to the punch.

You had cared for them once. In the beginning, perhaps, when you were dumb and them dumber. Believing you could fix someone who decided to be broken. While you had brought no tools to fix them, they had brought plenty to dismantle you.

It wasn't awful all the time, that was the worst part, because in the moments when they made you dinner, played your favorite song, swept you off your feet in an inharmonious dance, you pretended you ever were in love.

These moments, hazy as dreams, never lasted.

One misstep, and wham.

Ice pack to the face, busted lip, aching ribs.

No wonder your nightmares were clearer than your waking life.

You managed not to flinch as they applied Neosporin to your cut lip.

"I'm tired," you spoke against the grain of your throat.

Your significant other let out a mirthless laugh, and you resisted the urge to gouge out their tongue. "I guess dinner is canceled tonight?"

You don't remember if you responded. 

Everything was black. Your limbs were heavy like you were treading water, and your mouth was dry like you had swallowed an ocean wave.

Oh. This nightmare again.

There was a comforting nature to the numb nothingness.

The pressure crushing your body was more akin to a weighted blanket than a boulder flattening your lungs to paper. You could almost pretend you were dead.

You cried. The tears tasted like razor blades.

Something cold and slimy, the consistency of a slug, wiped the tears dribbling from your eyelashes.

"What a vile thing tears are. A waste of woes."

The voice ventilated out of the darkness.

No. It was the darkness.

An eye glowing a sickly turquoise bloomed before you. If you had the strength, a gasp would have left your heavy lungs.

It spoke again, deep and monotone.  "Do I not frighten you?"

"Maybe if I knew what you were," you wheezed.

A horrible sound, like metal scrapping against concrete, ricocheted in your ears. Was that the creature's laugh?

A skeletal face emerged from the blackness. Tar dripped from where the other socket should be if it were a human skull.

"Most souls," it spoke the word with a deep disgust, "are petrified of the unknown."

"This is a dream you can't hurt me."

"Don't be foolish," another slimy mass circled around your neck, "I am not a dream."

A chill trickled down your spine as two hands materialized and cradled your face. "I am a nightmare. And I am starving for your hell."

Its unnatural grin grew and stretched like a Cheshire cat.

The cold appendages stroked your face, absorbing the snot and tears surfing down. 

Despite the obvious threat, you leaned into the touch. It had been long since someone held you with any tenderness, even if said tenderness was a facade.

"Strange." The living rope around your neck tightened a fraction. "Where is your fear?"

You were now only half aware of the creature. Your brain imposing the visage of your significant other before you. Fuck them. Fuck this dream. Fuck this nightmare. This thing said it was hungry? What hell could it possible bring upon you which reality hadn't?

A small laugh bubbled up.

The words were plucked and picked from your brain like road kill, "I guess dinner is canceled tonight."

The creature seemed to freeze. Everywhere it touched was so cold it burned. It felt good against the bruise on your jaw.

"Ah."

The tentacles(?) slithered off of your neck.

"Hate." The skeleton creature slowly tucked your hair behind your ear. "You viper, I do wonder, will you strike them in their slumber?"

A sticky, boney finger forced your face toward its own. "Or do you crave a more intimate agony?"

Its eye glowed brighter, and tar sludged down its other socket like sewer water.

"I- uh… what?" Your brain really did conjure up the weirdest things when you dreamed.

The smile on its face fell slightly. "I don't like repeating myself."

An eerie silence followed. 

The creature was still. It watched you for an eternity, cataloging every irritated twitch of your body.

"So exquisitely empty."

The voice whispered like a lover in your ear. "Don't have such a limited imagination. There are far more excruciating ways to extinguish a soul than strangulation."

 You woke up.

[eddiiiieeee]

life update

so this month has been shit. my grandpas anniversary came up on the 8th. and the problems i mentioned before with my mom, oh and today. i cried again since Eddie (my ex). Saul broke up with me, i had two panic attacks, one in the middle of my arabic class, and another during english. yesterday i told him how i havent been feeling well and he told me to figure what i want out and text him but till then hes tired and going to sleep (we were doing long distance because he lives in argentina and i live waaaaay far away.) today during my arabic class i texted him and he told me hes breaking up with me, said that he loves me and cares for me but yet he thinks its whats good for us both. he proceeded to continue to tell me he loves me while i begged him not to and i ended up telling him that i will not forgive him for what hes doing and that i hate him for how hes hurting me, i logged out of the account and then in the afternoon during english, i checked and he ended up saying that he couldve up and left me but he didnt because he cares about me and loves me which is why he talked to me about it. and he replied to my other texts saying "sorry bye" and he removed me on snap as well as tiktok because those are the only things he had me on. (i checked snap on my laptop rn and his accounts gone, idk if its the same on my phone). i went to the bathroom while im shaking and like trying to breathe, and i called my best friends but only one picked up because she had a study period. after me and her talked for a bit anout what happened, i suddenly couldnt breathe, just completely couldnt for i dunno how long and then i just started sobbing. then when i was able to calm down, i got to class again and afterwards had a smoke session with the best friend i was talking to's sister. i met up with my best friend who didnt pick up and we walked back to our building, cuz we had class in a diff building. we found some of our close friends in this little garden area we have n sat there because after the smoke session i was gripping the railing in the staircases, as well as my best friends arm because i felt like throwing up and passing out. and at that moment i just started sobbing again and shaking, after a while of my friends attempting to calm me down, my business teacher saw me and i told her i was fine she said obviously im not if im this distraught but if i need her i know where her office is. i had a talk with my old chem teacher because i trust him and cuz my music teacher (was mentioned before) had a lesson. everyone tried to get me to cheer up, one friend just held me (which i needed i love being held), one jumped up and kicked his feet while impersonating mickey mouse, the friend who answered my call sang arabic lulibies for me and then niki manaj, my friend who was at the garden area started singing cupcake songs, my friend who didnt pick up my call just stuck with me the entire day and made sure i drank enough water even tho i didnt eat at all even tho she tried, my other friend checked up on me every five minutes and during our lessons together, a bunch of my other friends tried to cheer me up. but nothing worked and i dont think i can just explain how exhausted and tired and drained i am rn.

[honkshuah]

i couldnt care l^ss if you int^ract^d with this post, but just, its dir^ct^d as h^ll and i dont want to r^ad v^nt posts on your pag^ from this. i f^^l guilty as h^ll aft^rwards.

you can r^ad, just

DONT

int^ract if your gonna imm^diat^ly v^nt post about it r^garding this post. if you know im gonna r^ad it on your profil^, v^nt about this post privately. this has happ^n^d far too many tim^s.

i hat^ mys^lf. iv^ said this so many fucking times and i generally m^an it.

and iv^ also said another thing. like. a bunch of fucking times.

STOP. SAYING. "OH". TOWARDS. M^.

I lit^rally do NOT care if you think its funny to joke around after i post about it.

this is so directed its not even funny. i f^^l like everytime i even MENTION this, somebody continues saying it or joking about it.

yeah, it was funny th^ few times, whatever,

just fucking stop.

i cannot r^ad tones through online. i dont want you using tonetags for "oh" ^ith^r. JUST FUCKING STOP ALL TOGETHER.

i g^t if your tired, but generally i hav^ said it so many FUCKING times i cant keep count.

it may be an accident a few times, but you could also say it irl. i cry mys^lf to sleep b^caus^ of ANY tone with that word. irl is way worse.

i n^v^r liked it. dont say it and laugh afterwards b^caus^ it changes NOTHING. it makes me IGNORE you.

after i say a joke or even be mys^lf a tiny bit (mostly joking,) you also say oh afterwards.

so do^s alli^. im calling her out. she only acts w^ird around m^ when shes not with her other friends. th^y think im a w^ird depressing gay furry.

i dont like th^ word "oh". end of story. stop.

i also f^^l whenever i joke around, some (NOT ALL. ID LIKE TO CLARIFY.)

of my friends

repeat my jokes to other p^ople who didnt h^ar m^ say it

which ultimately makes m^ sad considering it takes a long tim^ for me to process stuff or even mak^ up jokes

so when you g^t laughs out of other p^ople

that just

hurts dude

calling out alli^ again which i can speak to her directly, but this is also a rant uh

sh^ touches me. alot. i hat^ it. i hat^ touch. so fucking much. when sh^ shak^s m^ when im alr^dy talking to somebody. sh^ interrupts me when im talking alr^dy.

i hav^ so much mor^ to rant about a different day, but just pl^as^ be mindful of this. again, do not vent. i cant take it. just be mindful of your mistakes and move on.

[erwinsvow]

My day was pretty good but college is kicking my ass so badly rn it’s embarrassing…

On another note, just wanted to let you know how I found your blog! It was through another blog (can’t remember which one sorry) recommending their favourite obx writers and that’s a statement I absolutely agree with🫶 You’ve developed a consistent characterization of Rafe that I believe is recognizable and belongs to your blog (idk if that makes sense) I think it’s extremely natural to compare yourself to others but please remember that you’re doing an amazing job!!

Sorry for the word vomit but you’re just so kind every time you interact with anyone and your writing is just SO good I wanted you to know how I feel

Also was curious to know how you feel about dark Rafe because I can’t stop thinking about ghostface (but he could also be sweet in a more twisted and obsessive rafe way)

-💓

omg i remember college like it was yesterday and it kicked my ass too😭😭😭 you got this bae!! it'll be over before you know it but stay focused on the grind 🩵

also stopppp that is so sweet. you are so nice because im so new to writing for obx! n that is so generous of you to say because i really love writing for rafe and bouncing btwn mean n sweet rafe... he's such a tough cookie to write but that makes it so fun! you are so so so nice im gonna cry <3 will remember this everytime i feel iffy :( also i always try to reply to every anon how i would want someone to reply to mine!!!! i remember so vividly being in someones inbox and pouring out ideas or love for like a short reply lol which would hurt my feelings even tho it is not that serious at all haha

but its srs to me now <3 i love replying to ppl on here especially sweet angels like u !!! 💓

ur fucking cooking... you may or may not have seen that my entire blog used to scream themed because its fully one of my favorite movie series EVER<3 ghostface!rafe is SOOOOO yummy. tw murder and a whole bunch of psycho stuff lol

he's soooooo sick n fucking twisted!!!! if he was a true ghostface, he'd be insanely protective over you, telling you it's dangerous to go out alone at night, that you shouldn't even stay at home alone if he's not spending the night. his lil killing spree would start with people trying to break the two of you up, people he knows are actively trying to get into your ear and tell you that rafe is dangerous, that's he's bad for you.

n you defend rafe with all your heart!! your boyfriend is so caring, doesn't even allow you to drive home alone, chauffeurs you around in his car, drops whatever he's doing to come get you if you call.

a couple times he's a lil late.. shows up to your door all sweaty, looking tired n messy, and you ask where he's been all night. doesn't really give you a real answer, just tells you he was with the boys. (he was gutting this boy from some party the other night that wouldn't leave you alone). you hear the news the next day, and when people in town start questioning some of the young men, you valiantly protect rafe, saying he was with you all night (which he was... kind of..) and the way he beams at you when you do this guarantees that you would never voice your suspicions no matter how prominent they become.

ur big friend group tries to figure out what's going on... pretending to be detectives, one of them even questions if youre the killer, saying your sweet personality is the best alibi n that no one would suspect a thing. you laugh, then rafe laughs, so everyone laughs, but the friend who said it is next on his list.

consoles you when ur crying, sick n tired of feeling so scared all the time, wanting life to go back to normal! you love spending time with rafe but everything is getting to be a little bit... overwhelming. you're never alone anymore, never have time or the chance to just be with your friends. it's a lil suffocating but then someone else turns up dead and you retreat into safety, into what you think can protect you: rafe.

the big reveal is the make or break. in the real world youd run screaming for your life. but in shea's world ur just as crazy as he is, still believe he did everything for the right reason, brainwashed enough by him and his charm and his love for you that is so apparent he would kill for you and you let it sway you.

that was a lil dark even for me, but canon rafe is literally a killer n i just be ignoring that part like damn kill me too!! i love u!! biggest fan i'd be ur alibi!!

this getting hella long but rafe with ghostface tendencies is also.... so hot....just lots of overprotectiveness and stalking and if he's part of a duo, just trying to keep you out of everything and protected. doesn't want you anywhere near this stuff, freaks out if you end up hurt or realizing what's going on. but he knows you won't snitch, won't leave or even try to run. he's got you wrapped around his finger <3

and yes he fucks you with the mask on. sneaks into your house while ur leaving him a cute msg saying goodnight. fucks you all crazy and half way through you realize it's rafe. you don't stop tho n beg him to keep going <3

was this too much? maybe. do i care because this is my blog? yes i do care a little. don't want you to judge me LOL

hope this was fun for u to read bc it was fun for me to think!!!!

come again soon!! <3

[nightmare-in-the-woods]

fuck it vent post

im not trigger warning this, read it at your own risk

It's long and I've been spiralling so have fun if ya do read it? Idk man. It's 2 am as I'm editing this to say it's a long ass post. I started writing this at 1 am so that says something I guess.

I fucking hate kids. Like so fucking much. Growing up I wanted kids, I thought I could be a good parent, less fucked up than my parents were.

And I know now that yeah, I could probably be a great dad. I'm great with kids, I have a three year old little sister who adores me, and multiple younger cousins that love me, and multiple of my friends younger siblings love me too.

But I now as an 18 year old hate kids, and I don't think I can love them again.

I don't want to hate kids. I don't want to. I want to be a good person who likes kids and can have kids but I fucking can't anymore.

I've had to watch my little sister so often, and like yeah I know that's a normal part of being an older sibling but I wasn't an older sibling until I was fucking 15.

When my little sister was born I fucking loved her with my whole heart but every day I have to watch her or babysit I grow to hate her a little more. It gets worse when I also have to watch these two other kids who's mom works for my mom.

I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE BABYSITTING THEM MY MOM IS

But every fucking day this week my mom was out and ended up coming home late to watch them so I've been watching them for like an hour every day, and yes an hour isn't a long time but I WAS WATCHING MY LITTLE SISTER FOR HOURS BEFORE THE BOYS COME OVER

AND THEN THE BOYS ARE FUCKING EXCITABLE KIDS (and there's nothing wrong with this but I've been dealing with a very excited three year old for hours at this point so I already don't have the energy for this shit) AND SO THEY'RE RUNNING AROUND AND HURTING EACH OTHER AND NOT FUCKING LISTENING WHEN ANYONE TELLS THEM TO FUCKING STOP

But I'm so good with kids that everyone around me expects me to be a fucking parent when I'm an adult and when I tell the truth and say that no I fucking hate kids and can barely stand being around them for more than thirty minutes I'm treated like a fucking mad man or a monster.

Like not only did I never want to have a biological child because mental health and physical health issues run in my family but now I don't want to have them at all

Do I blame my little sister for this? FUCK NO, if anything I blame my mother.

I used to love kids, I'm fucking great with kids, but I fucking hate kids now, and I wish I didn't but I do. I'm so tired of people treating me like crap for hating kids when they love them, like I'm so sorry my experience with my baby sister and every other child I've met has been terrible and I now see children as little screaming germs that literally can't give a fuck unless it's gonna affect them in any way. I'm sorry I said something that warned you of "kids aren't sunshines and rainbows, they can suck sometimes. Kids are people too and not just little dreamy meat slugs. That baby you're dreaming of having as an adult will grow up."

In short I can't fucking do it anymore. I've been watching kids all week and I'm fucking spiraling because I fucking hate kids now when I used to love them and I haven't been able to do a semblance of basic fucking self care because they sucked out all of my energy and its one am rn and im sobbing about how much kids exhaust me and how much i fucking hate myself.

Sorry adding more because I fucking can

I'm so fucking tired like I can't fucking sleep, if I'm sleeping im not getting there until three am and then I'm waking up at five, and then again at seven but when I wake up at seven there's no fucking hope to get back to sleep

So not only am I watching a bunch of screaming children, I'm watching them while sleep deprived and just praying for a fucking break from all the noise so that I can maybe MAYBE take a nap, because even when my mom does finally get home and take over I'm still exhausted and the walls are still thin and I'm just grasping at the straws of my fucking sanity praying for a chance to fucking rest that isn't talking to my favorite person because while yes talking to him does help a lot I can't fucking rely on one person to hold up my sanity.

I'm exhausted and the only actual break I've been able to scramble for is talking to this one person but that's not enough and I'm tired and I'm so fucking close to cutting again and I don't want to cut again but I know it would give me some sort of relief because it hurts.

It all fucking hurts. I'm tired and drained and I can't do it anymore. I just want it to stop hurting I just want some actual fucking sleep

My only solice is knowing that I'm going to my dad's house because I still do that 50/50 split custody thing Ive grown up always doing, so I won't have to be around any kids until Christmas, and then I go right back to Dad's after. Even if I fucking hate my dad I can at least take a fucking break at his house.

AND TO ADD ON TO THIS I FUCKING HATE CHRISTMAS

THAT'S RIGHT THE GUY WHO LIKE A LITTLE OVER AN HOUR AGO DID A HAPPY LITTLE POST ABOUT A CHRISTMAS TRADITION IN MY FAMILY HATES FUCKING CHRISTMAS

BECAUSE CHRISTMAS MEANS GETTING IN THE CAR AND SEEING A BUNCH OF FAMILY I HATE AND BEING UNCOMFORTABLE AND WATCHING PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED WITHIN A HUNDRED FEET OF ANY SORT OF ALCOHOL GET DRUNK

IT MEANS SEEING MY GRAMMIE WHO SHOWS CLEAR FAVORITISM TO ME WHICH I HATE BECAUSE SHE SEES ME AS A MINI SKINNY VERSION OF HER IT MEANS DEALING WITH MY BROTHER GETING SALTY AND BITCHY BECAUSE GRAMMIE'S FAVORITISM HURTS

IT MEANS BEING AROUND MY STEP DADS FAMILY WHO I MET WHEN I WAS 15 AND ONLY GIVE ME OBLIGATION SHIT

I DONT WANT THE GIFTS I WANT TO BE IGNORED AND I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME BECAUSE I HATE YOU ALL

Ive tried turning Christmas into this fun positive thing by drawing things to give to my friends because I love them and like I've been using it as a sort of excuse to spoil my friends in any way I can but I fucking hate the holiday, it'll always be a terrible terrible lonely soul crushing holiday for me.

There has never been anything quite as lonely as sitting in a room full of family, that you hate or you're scared of or God forbid fucking both, and knowing that you'll never have that normal loving experience of a happy Christmas.

[lunaxriax]

Evens for Jaehwan.

distract me pls

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

No, I don't. And I probably never will.

4: What’s something you really want right now?

A drink.

6: Do you like the beach?

Yes, I do. Go there frequently for walks.

8: What’s the background on your cell?

A sunset.

10: Do you like your phone?

It's decent enough for its purpose, so yeah.

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

It was yours, buddy!

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Emotional pain.

16: Are you tired?

Always am. I think I was born tired.

18: Are they a relative?

It's in relation to the previous question, but yes that person is a relative.

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

That was a while back.

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Not entirely sure about that one.

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

26: Do you have any tattoos?

Nope.

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

I don't know?

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

I think so. Well it was either a couch or a bed, same thing.

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Friend is a big word, but I'd say yes.

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Yes, although I still don't know why.

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

Yes.

38: What do your friends call you?

Jaehwan, Jae, Jae Jae and a bunch of other insults

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

Not really. I don't cry easily.

42: What is it from?

I don't really get bruises... perks of being dead, I guess.

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

A friend.

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

No, I don't care about bad hair day. Somehow my hair still looks fine on those days.

48: Do you make supper for your family?

Considering I don't live with my family... nope.

50: Top 3 web-pages?

YouTube, Google, Instagram

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

My head.

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Coffee.

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

Go to the gym.

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

I'm pretty sure I was since I was... 10 xD

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Oh I don't know about that... I'm not exactly the biggest fan of those things.

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

How about I text you, Drake? xD

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Sobering up.

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Does my cat count?

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I haven't slept yet but I had many wild thoughts. Mostly ridiculous drunk thoughts that made no sense at all.

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

One. This one xD

72: What is your ringtone?

Random standard one.

74: Where is your Mum right now?

She's dead.

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

No.

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

Probably on no one. I didn't start having crushes on people until I was well over 20.

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

When I was a kid, plenty of times.

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

Me, I did. That counts, right?

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

Ok first of all, that's not something I would do because it's caveman behavior and I dislike that and if one of my friends would do that I would so smack the shit out of them.

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

I... don't go see movies... Too many people. I watch them at home.

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

No.

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

A few times, unfortunately.

92: Do you get along with girls?

I think so? I mean, I don't really get along with people in general, so...

94: Does sex mean love?

Nope.

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Not that I can recall.

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

You shouldn't let your happiness depend on someone else. If you do, your happiness can be taken away in an instant.

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

Probably someone from my childhood, I think.