#its ridiculous how i was so depressed 2 days ago and then my partner was like. whay if i came over right now even though

[catgirlwizard]

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[thotsforvillainrights]

~Christmas with You~

(It’s days after Christmas as usual I haven’t active or slept  properly yet but I’ve been focused on my store lol. I hadn’t been super on my writing game in a hot minute so I decided to write how your partner would treat you during the holidays. This features EVERY single villain I write for from the list located in my bio IN ORDER. Also I apologize if you don’t celebrate Christmas and this doesn’t apply to you. I hope you still had a great holiday anyway, and I love you!)

~Toga💉-She begins her present shopping early because she wants to find you something that she’s sure you’ll like! Eventually she ends up buying a ton of things, but none of them satisfy her and she’s worried you won’t like any of them even though you will. So finally she settles on making you something instead. She will stay up all night long pushing herself to put together the perfect gift for you and will literally fall apart if you don’t like it. But I’m sure she won’t have to worry about anything like that.

~Dabi🔥-Hates the holidays. He tells you they hold some pretty shitty childhood memories for him and he’s honestly all for avoiding even just the thought of Christmas, but of course he looks at you and that changes. He’s really willing to try and take part in a little holiday cheer just for you even if it’s stupid to him. Call it cheesy, but when he celebrates with you it helps take away from the old bad thoughts. It gives him a chance to replace the bad memories with good ones. So he’ll bake some shitty cookies with you, and poorly wrap presents even if he knows that you know what he got for you. Of course he’s not opposed to a mistletoe kiss or two (or three). You help put the cheer in the holiday for him.

~Overhaul🥀-Hates Christmas. It’s not the holiday, it’s just how many people are buzzing around up until that point. So he gets ALL of his shopping done early. And and all emergencies are to be handled by his men (ex: in case he forgot something on the list). The number one thing he takes super seriously is you seeing your presents. You better hope he doesn’t catch you sneaking around the tree. He will lock you in the bedroom until the day of Christmas itself before he lets you open any of them early...even on Christmas eve

~Shigaraki🤚-Literally wakes you up super early on the morning of just so you can watch a movie with him in a fluffy throw blanket with the hum of his electric heater nearby. He loves this season with you more than any other because he can use the cold weather as an excuse to cuddle with you. “Oh well you know I’m kinda small here so I don’t produce a lot of body heat. You should come closer.” Aside from that, he loves the way you celebrate. You make it up to him for not having a childhood at all. Surprisingly enough, he loves doing all the little things with you.

~Tengai🏳-Doesn’t see a point in the holidays and never really supported it before. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s no scrooge. He would rather spend his time the way he usually did around this time of the year: working at charity spots and donation centers. When you find out he spends every holiday season serving food to people less fortunate it makes your heart soar. So if you have the time to join him, then by all means please do so. Help him spread a little peace this season

~Deidoro🍺-Being someone that knows a LOT about different drinks out there, he has never in his life heard about eggnog. It throws you for a loop at first and you laugh at him as he watches you in confusion. “Wait...you’re being serious about this???” So you have to sit him down, make it for him, and let him try it. I mean, how could he be the one person to not know about this when its alcohol related? Well let’s just say that not only does it stick, but Sakaki has been downing eggnog at the Hassaikai Christmas party all night, and now he’s trying to literally eat you in the bathroom while you’re washing your face. It’s ridiculous

~Nemouto✔-This man is 100% proposing to you on Christmas night after a long date with you. For someone that talks about feelings being pointless, he sure does have a lot of love for you. He pays attention to the details and the moods around him. This time was a boost in your happiness and it signaled the perfect time for him to pop the question to you. Add in all those romantic light attractions, and the snow with the carolers etc. Its free romance that he can ride on and use to his advantage. Catch him getting on one knee in the snow after you two are leaving a light show in the city.

~Setsuno💔-Holidays are depressing to say the least. To him, Christmas and Valentines day were the worst 2 days to be alone out of any day of the year. Well WERE until you came into his life. He stares at you unwrapping presents under the tree while he sips some cocoa and he thinks about how lucky he was that you came into his life. Little moments like these help tie together the ideal that holidays aren’t so bad. Thanks to you, he no longer has to fight back tears of sadness in the dead of night as the snow falls against his window and sticks until it melts. Now he has to fight tears of joy blurring his eyes while you two lounge on the couch and try to get through a holiday movie without falling asleep on each other

~Compress🎭-Will do any and everything with you during this day. I mean he’s going to go all out for you on any day of the year, but this one is a little different. So bring in those matching Santa hats, and roll out the gingerbread house kits. Compress is down for it all. It’s not just for you, but all for the sake of letting loose for once during the year and allowing himself to relax as a civilian instead of a villain on the run. He’d rather spend time building a gingerbread house than trekking through the cold forest with the sounds of sirens in the background getting near. 

~Twice👬-This man gets a new ugly Christmas sweater like every year since 7 years ago. The only difference is now he can celebrate with you and his friends instead of celebrating with himself and his clones, alone somewhere in a storage unit. And yes: he’s the number one person to force the league into a Christmas party because he knows you’ll have fun hanging out with him and everyone else (since usually he keeps you away for protection). He’s also the most likely to make everyone engage in secret Santa with each other. Jin is also the one most likely to burn through Christmas movie marathons like it’s nothing at all to him. He runs on peppermint hot cocoa, and marshmallows so don’t challenge him at all

~Kurogiri☁️-Usually he wouldn’t think twice to celebrate it. It doesn’t bother him, but he’s not really focused on being cheerful when there’s work to be done instead. You have to be the one to help him slow down and enjoy the tiny things here and there. He’ll help you string up lights, decorations, and the tree. Believe me, he does an amazing job on it all because he doesn’t half-ass his work in any kind of way whatsoever. He’s also kinda in love with the Christmas sweater/vest combo you got for him (and he’s secretly wanting to brag about it). He’s not one for the sweets like the ribbon candy, or the candy canes but he’ll blow through holiday food that you cook or order. Most of all, he’s invested in seeing you smile 

~AFO💀-Christmas is just another excuse for him to spoil you. However, you have to step up and let him know it’s more than just gift giving that he needs to do. Where you would love some quality time with him, he’s more about giving you 1,000′s of dollars of gifts and handling work that needs to be done. But who can say no to those eyes of yours huh? (Don’t answer that. Just know he’s not one to deny you). He’s not really into the holidays but he treats it like a big important date night between the two of you. He’ll go above and beyond to ensure things runs smoothly. You’ll have to introduce him to ‘stay at home’ dates for once. If not

~Stain🔪- Isn’t down for it until you mention the tradition that some people go out and chop a real tree. For some odd reason, he’s attached to the idea of chopping a tree down. At first you thought you’d successfully got him into the Christmas spirit, but it just turns out he was eager to use a blade for big business for the first time. Either way, you shrugged it off and rode with it. And boy was that a mistake to make...You were shivering out there. Stain had you in the forest for at least an hour now while he hunted down the perfect tree. You swore to yourself that you’d be getting a fake one next year

~Muscular💪-”Celebrate Christmas? Okay, why tho?” You maybe could convince him by disguising it as a romantic time but he’s not big on romance either. You entice him with gift giving. More importantly the idea of hiding his gifts and not letting him see a single one till Christmas day. THAT is how you get him into the holiday. Be warned though, he’s mostly taking part in the other celebrations because he’s wanting those presents so badly.  

~Mustard☣-You’ll be lucky if you can get him to go Christmas shopping with him, let alone celebrate. No offense against the holiday itself but Mustard doesn’t celebrate ANY day. He doesn’t even like to celebrate his own birthday! He seems to be a bit more bitter around the holidays and the cheer isn’t helping. “C’mon don’t be a scrooooooge!” You poke at his cheek while he’s scrolling through his phone on the couch. “Y/N for the last time, kindly piss off.” He glares at you before turning his attention to his phone again. At this point you’ll either have to risk getting put under from annoying him too much, or you’ll have to find another way to convince him to loosen up. Good luck with it

~Spinner🦎-10/10 best person to spend Christmas with. He’s more into it than you are. As soon as December 1st hits, he’s putting up decorations. In fact, he put up the tree a week before Thanksgiving. The holidays remind him of when he was little and he sat in his mom’s lap while she sewed a Christmas tree quilt. Or when he and his sibling would have snowball fights in the backyard (despite his aversion to cold weather due to his quirk). Shuichi will sit down and write out a holiday movie watch list and watch a different Christmas almost every single day with you if you’d allow it. He’s the first to bake cookies, and the first to start buying gifts early. Most of all, he’s happy to spend this time with you. (Oh be prepared for those walks in the park to admire the Christmas lights)

~Katsukame🗿-Big guy is a lot more cheerful than you know, but he knows nothing about Christmas so you gotta show him all those old fashioned traditions. But please don’t tell him to deck the halls because he will pull a ‘Rappa’ move and punch holes in the hallway walls. Aside from that, he’s pretty open to Christmas cookies, and even decorating. But I have to say he draws the line at singing door to door at people’s houses because he hates to sing. He doesn’t even like to hum lol 

~Rappa👊-Hell yeah he’s gonna spend it with you! The big guy is literally sold on just about anything involving you (well as long as he doesn’t have to wear a stuffy suit for it). His excitement stems mostly from his curiosity. He never had a bad childhood but he still can’t remember much of the holidays back then. So who needs old memories when you can make new ones! At least that’s his reasoning after all lol. 

~Hawks🦅-This guy is the WORST at giving you presents. I mean his gifts are amazing, but he always slips up and tells you what they are too soon. In fact, he will buy you something and ask if you wanna see it within the next five minutes afterward. Its gotten to the point where you have to beg him almost to stop letting wanting you to open stuff. He can’t help it though! Keigo just loves spoiling you, and holidays are the exception where he can go crazy with his saved money.

~Magne🕶-She has this crazy secret collection that she finally busted out once you’ve gotten close enough to you in the relationship. Her secret collection ended up being a MASSIVE set of sweaters (specifically Christmas themed) While she’s beaming proudly about how she has a different sweater for every day in December, your jaw is almost on the floor. “Mag...don’t...don’t these cost like 50 bucks each? How long have you been collecting these?!” Anyway, you should expect an ugly Christmas sweater party with the League at least once this December 

~Tabe🍡-Forget celebrating the other stuff that comes with Christmas, you already know what he’s excited about...All that yummy yummy food!!! Oh God (if it applies) take him to your family (or friends) for Christmas and watch his face as he enters to see that table full of food. Oh man, he’s going to do his best to be respectful but on the inside he wants to destroy all of the food on that table. Oh and don’t worry about the whole baking cookies for Santa because Tabe is most likely going to eat them...and drink the milk too

~Hojo💎-He starts present shopping in late October, early November so that way he has everything he needs to get for you (which is a lot). He hides your presents at the base so you have no idea where to find them. Thanks to the base being an underground labyrinth, you’ll never see those gifts until Christmas eve (just one), and Christmas day (the rest of them). Hojo goes along with whatever you do to celebrate the holidays. He’s just perfect husband material to be honest. Not too rough around the edges, but willing to beat a man to death if his job calls for it. Who knew he’d be the most willing to celebrate the holidays with you.

~Chronostasis🔫-He will literally defy anyone that stood in the way of spending this holiday with you. That includes his own best friend/boss. Overhauls knows this, and he’s comes to respect your relationship so he purposefully doesn’t schedule Hari to work on Christmas (but he still pays him for the full day since he’s still his friend). Hari will absolutely kill anyone that got in the way of your cheer. Even if you were one of those people that believed in Christmas magic, he would support you. The world is tough, and it shows no mercy so little things like joy during the holiday meant a lot more than anyone could know in your household. He loves to see you happy so if that means celebrating with you, then he’s going to do it. Besides...he secretly likes Christmas himself

~Mimic💰-Literally loves to talk about how unnecessary it is while he’s also excited for it as well. Like he’ll talk down about decorating while he’s decorating. If you try to step between him he’s gonna tell you to: “Back off, you’re messing up my artistic flow here. Go sit on the couch. Make yourself useful and unwrap the candy cane boxes for the tree.” You can see by the way he steps back and puts his hands on his hips to admire his handy-work that he’s taken a bit of pride in things here. 

~Pops🇯🇵-The old man will take part in the celebration with you because he absolutely adores both you AND the holiday itself as well. He might mix in a few older traditions like Elf on a Shelf, and making a popcorn line to go around the tree. Most importantly you can look forward to opening one gift early as per tradition on Christmas eve. Pops is thankful every single year he gets to spend with you. 

~Giran👏-Christmas presents from him are on lock. You see he developed this tactic after brainstorming some ideas. He’s always buying you anything and everything but he realizes that it takes away from his Christmas gift pool. To combat this, he decided to cutdown on his generosity in the months of September, October, and November. That way, it’ll give him some time to get you a bunch of stuff on Christmas that you DONT already own. Or at least some stuff you don’t already need. 

~Geten❄-Of course he’s number one at hiding how he feels about you. Or maybe more along the line of being a total Tsundere, but believe me he loves you. If that means celebrating this holiday with you then he’s willing to endure it. His grumpy face is getting harder and harder to hide from you. Sometimes you can just barely catch a glimpse of his content smile while you guys build a snowman together. Wanna have some real fun with him? Challenge him to a snow building competition. With his quirk at play you’ll surely lose no matter what, but isn’t it fun to see him bragging his ass off about how he ran circles around your ‘shitty snow project’? 

~Slice💋-She doesn’t hate the holiday, but she DESPISES the cold weather. A lot of her clothes are shorter and sexier by far. Summer is her number one time of the year. Besides, winter dries her skin out, and she hates being under wraps of a thick jacket etc. She can’t even wear her open toed heels!!! Besides that, she’s down for celebrating indoors if you want to. Christmas movies, hot cocoa, and a few make-out sessions are her forte. That’s the best way to do Christmas in her opinion

~Nine🌪-Bake cookies? Sure. Volunteer at shelters? Absolutely. Hang lights around the house/apartment? Yes baby, anything for you. I mean Nine is a ‘yes’ man all year round, but he’s especially willing to agree to things during this time of year. He’s completely whipped for you and there’s nothing wrong with that. He celebrates however you’d like him to do so. There is just one thing he wants to do that he suggested first and that’s either driving slowly through fancy neighborhoods to see their lights up, or going to a Christmas themed petting zoo and feeding carrots to the reindeer. Let’s say he’s a child at heart during this time of year

~Chimera🐺-Literally sees no purpose in celebrating it at all. He’ll do the stuff you want but he’s going to complain the whole way. The only thing he’s big on is saving up his cash and getting you something. The only thing that matters to him is making you happy during the entirety of your relationship (which he hopes is the rest of your lives together). The rest of the stuff he’s just grumbling and putting up with so he can see your smile. 

~Mummy🥋-Christmas? For what? Well okay then, if you say so. Really doesn’t get the point but hey, why not. He’s got nothing better to do. He’s never really celebrated it, His family never really celebrated it either so he’s a little interested in how you get down for it. His favorite thing he developed was this odd present wrapping competition with you. You should already know how good he is at wrapping things due to his quirk (I’m sure he’s shown you how good he is at binding and wrapping stuff before). Add a little competition into anything and he’s ready to do it. Baking competition, Caroling competition, Decorating competition. He’ll even challenge you to who can cuddle each other better. Whatever floats his boat I guess lol

~Gentle Criminal☕-He wants to travel during the holidays with you and he wants to vlog it all. Only if you’re okay with it of course! If you give him the ‘okay’ then he’s whisking you away somewhere overseas for a more extravagant vacation. He ends up spending so much time with you and having so much fun that he stop recording like 3 days in. His reasoning behind travelling is that snow must be so much more fun elsewhere, so of course the rest of the holidays must be as well. In all reality he just wants to make sure you have a fun Christmas. Travelling during it and experiencing different places and cultures are a fun new way to experience the holiday. 

~La Brava📸-Handy with the tech, but mostly with the camera. She amasses an entire compilation of you throughout the day and she’ll stay up all night stitching it together. The day after Christmas comes and she sits you down on the couch to watch it with her. Honestly she’s the sweetest and most dedicated partner that anyone could ask for. The way she treats you makes you thankful not just for spending Christmas with her, but for spending any day of the year with her. 

[agusvedder]

I DON’T CARE if this doesn’t get any notes. I need to vent.

My name is Agustina, I’m 27 years old. I’m a nonbinary, queer, latinx person, parent of a 4 year old, non-verbal authistic child. I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I’m 9 thousand kilometers away from the woman I love.

I’m not a victim. I am a minority. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I started watching Supernatural in 2015, you know, being a stay-at-home parent, who dropped her career and her job to live the first years of their child, there wasn’t much I could do in my free time but to watch a show. I caught a few episodes of season 11 on tv and then I decided to start from zero. I always acknowledged how problematic it was in terms of representation, but always saw small threads of light filtering in the message it sent, recognizing how its writers were trying to shed a little light, creating a jenga tower of storylines and new characters, only to be thrown away by poor, useless deaths and the erasure of said characters.

Since my first run on season 1 I related to Dean. I saw myself on him. (I will never be as brave and cool as him tho, never ever, but his personality traits, some of his family issues, his self worth issues, his loneliness, his unaddressed childhood trauma, his growth in a circle of violence, his reticence to address his feelings until he explodes?... Yeah. There are days where my girlfriend makes fun of me saying “Ok Dean”). I kept looking up to Dean in his geekiness, in his way he always put his life on the line to protect the people he loves and put them always first… even in the supernatural side of the storyline, he still was profoundly human and abnegated to the people in his life. Also because I’m deeply in love with Castiel but that’s another subject. Thanks to this show, I’ve found people in my own country who now I recognize as my family beyond SPN, who helped me accept myself the way I am, who are always there for me. My found family, my chosen family. Because family don’t end in blood, because family cares about you, not only for what you can do for them, because that’s what all of us have in common, and why this show resonated as strongly as it did for us. That’s why we found each other and ourselves in the process, in a circle of love, support, non-judgement and willingness to find a family in ourselves when our own blood relatives ignored us, abused us, refused to recognize us. We’ve found love and family. I’ve found the woman with whom I wanna spend the rest of my life with because of this show.

That’s the power of this story. I know my small circle is not the only one who lived this, who continues to live it.

I can talk about this forever, but there’s something I wanna talk about specifically here. When the ending aired.. what I felt was… like a bucket of cold water was thrown over my head. You know when your parents come home, or call you and give you the devastating news that someone you love died? that exact feeling. The adrenaline, the heartbreak, the feeling of loss. 

The whole season 15 and 15 years of storyline were completely overturned. The misogyny the writers tried so hard to erase, it was there again, in a faceless woman who was supposed to represent the person a lead chose to spend the rest of his life with, reduced to a lilac dress, a blurry face and a uterus. We never seen acknowledged the existence of Eileen Leahy, Sam Winchester’s romantic interest since season 11, his perfect partner whose disability wasn’t an obstacle for her to be a badass hunter. (BUT COVID!! <- No. Eileen Leahy appeared in two episodes this season without Shoshannah being on set: Last Holiday and Despair. If they wanted to include her, they would have. They didn’t because they don’t give a FUCK). Sam Winchester is an academic, a witch, a leader, a powerful hunter, a kind human being, and the ending that was given to him was living an unfulfilled life, dying at a ridiculous young age, having a son only to replace his dead brother? It was sad. Sammy deserved better. He always did.

My beloved Dean Winchester, who I love so deeply, who taught me a lot about myself, about life, love, family, about *ejem* VICIOUS CIRCLES and the power of breaking free from them, of learning to embrace one’s self, our real tastes, our real identity, to come out of a shadow of being reduced to someone’s caretaker instead of having an identity of our own, to spend life loving family the healthy amount.. well, he was killed in a ridiculous way, on a milk run of a hunt.  After being eager and ready to kill himself so many times. After all he’s been through, after saying he’s good with who he is, after considering retirement, after standing up to his dad, saying he already has a family, ready to cut the “I’m Okay” bullshit, address his feelings, his trauma, don’t letting those define him. He deserved better. He always wanted a family, he always wanted to break free from the version of himself he was created to be, “daddy’s blunt little instrument” (For fuck’s sake, he even said it in the same show 10’ before dying, man. If we don’t keep living, the sacrifice the people who died for us did, was for nothing). Are you telling me this man really would refuse his brother to call an ambulance? Refused his brother to get the first aid kit even knowing it was more serious than his brother thought? He was ready to live. He CHOSE life, and at the end his choice was stripped away from him. He clearly was a bisexual man and they never explored it.

Cas. The misfit. The fish outside of the water. Ambiguous gender and sexuality. Finally makes a homosexual declaration of love after all he’s been through. After being brainwashed, used, suicidal, isolated. After telling Sam and Dean he loved them more than once, that they meant everything for him. After confessing he’s been in love with Dean since he pulled him out of hell…. Was erased from the story. Erased, literally. Two emotionless mentions aren’t enough for a 12 year old family member who pulled both brothers out of hell, who died for them more than once, who until 2 seasons ago he didn’t even feel like he belonged there ‘cause he was never told he was loved. No one ever told him “I love you” back. Not Jack, not Sam, not Dean, not Mary. No one. Ever. And still, he died for love. And with his death, he was erased from the finale, being that the first finale Castiel wasn’t in since his appearance on the show. He deserved better. 

All roads lead to Rome and you know what we got at the end of that road? a bottomless pit of NOTHING. The building up towards a different end isn’t just in s15. It’s been there for years and years. And if you watch the show, you see it at plain sight.

 

Sam Winchester hurried to die to reunite with his brother in heaven EVEN WHEN HE SPENT 30 MORE YEARS WITH A WIFE AND A KID he only wanted to die to go back to his brother? it’s insane, it’s ridiculous. That’s not what the show has been about for seasons now. SEASONS. The road was paved towards a healthy brotherly bond, each brother living their future the way they wanted, finally breaking free from the curse John dropped on Dean that Sam’s destiny was in his hands. No no. What was that? Did it ever happen? Was it a fever dream? They really destroyed everything in 38 minutes of the finale? 

Stupid. 

Representation is important, stories are important. They change lives. You know how it changed mine? After I saw Jonathan Van Ness coming out as non-binary, I started to realize how I never called myself "a woman, a girl" or anything like that, how my "female presenting" aesthetic changes drastically depending on how I feel when I wake up  how I always called myself a "person", no gender involved. I realized I was a non-binary person even after becoming a parent. Thanks to Jonathan Van Ness. Thanks to seeing a person like her being unapologetically herself. 

Representation matters. 

It matters. 

It helped my mom understand me when I was 13 and had a girlfriend. It helped my dad educate himself about trans identities. It helped my sister understand about her demisexuality. It helps break circles of ignorance and stereotypes. It helps people process what these characters wanna tell, and realize they're human beings above it all. We suffer, we laugh, we grieve. We love. We exist. 

Supernatural missed a chance to be a historical show in terms of representation. And it breaks my heart.  I cant believe they decided to erase Dean's sexuality, to erase Castiel after saying loud and proud he's in love with a man, to erase Eileen whose disability only was a disadvantage when they KILLED HER in the most ableistic way in s11, to never show Charlie and her girlfriend again, that they decided to make God bisexual AND a villain, thay they decided to turn the only regular non-binary character of color into the villain too (Billie).

I'm still grieving.

This is why "a stupid show" is so important for me, and for lot of people like me. Cause representation can change lives. Stories can change lives. It certainly changed mine, and I'm not the only one. 

Don't let anyone tell you you're just a butthurt fan because you're suffering this ending. Every one of us have a story and this is mine. All of us are valid, our feelings are valid. And we'll get through this eventually

[2996-sana]

Seeking Arrangement - Rosé

Part 1

The pitter patter of the rain served as background noise for Y/N and Lisa who was sat on their couch munching on some cucumbers, eyes glued to the Kdrama playing on the TV. Y/N let out a dramatic sigh as she watches Ko Moonyoung and Moon Gangtae lock lips for the first time. The sound was not lost on her best friend who shot her a grin.

“Are you going all soft again, Y/N?”

Y/N rolled her eyes at the teasing tone in Lisa’s voice. This was not new as she was always on the receiving end of Lisa’s jokes about her being such a hopeless romantic. Though Lisa found this amusing about her best friend, she thinks there is strength in Y/N’s ability to believe in love after the shit her ex-girlfriend Suzy put her through. Could you really blame her? Being in love was without a doubt one of the best feelings in the world in Y/N’s book. For her, it was an overwhelming yet warm feeling that stretches throughout your whole body once it enters your life and leaves you feeling like you’re on top of the world (but its all fun and games until your partner cheats on you).

Despite this though, she was not in a hurry to find love. In fact, after the tragedy that was her last relationship, she just wanted to lie low and have fun for a while.

“Shut up. You’re lucky you’re in a stable relationship,” Y/N scoffs.

Lisa and her girlfriend Jennie have been together for 2 years now (3 years next month) and Y/N envied the love shared between the two.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. No one can resist you for too long,” Lisa tries to reassure her best friend, wrapping an arm around her.

Y/N grimaced, “Eh…I don’t really want anything serious at the moment. Especially after Suzy.”

Lisa pretends to gag at the sound of Y/N’s ex-girlfriend’s name, “I agree. Have fun and take it easy. You should like…I don’t know…find a sugar daddy or something.” They both chuckle at Lisa’s words, knowing she would never even think about it.

•

It was hours later on her bed while typing out a reply to some guy she matched on Tinder that she realizes how hard it was to find a worthy candidate to waste her time on. These boys lacked substance and were coming at her with the same pick-up lines. She wonders if they all got them at the same Fuckboy Convention. It didn’t help that she rarely matched with girls either.

She groans at the reply that came through.

Wyd tho? U tryna fuck?

“The audacity of these boys,” she mutters under her breath, closing the app.

As she stares at her ceiling zoning out, she remembers Lisa’s words from hours ago. A sugar daddy. She laughs at her best friend’s ridiculous idea. She could never.

Unless? No. It’s stupid. She doesn’t wanna give out any sugar AT ALL.

But she was bored out of her mind. For the past 3 months, she has been cooped up in her bed wallowing in self-pity while listening to the very suspicious sounds coming out of Lisa’s room. There were also only so many pep-talks she could give herself until she grew tired of her own words. It was this that fueled her to sit up and turn on her laptop. After all, she considered boredom as an invitation for her to find something that would raise her serotonin levels. And what is the value of life without a little fun? She owed herself the first few months of her breakup to relax and take care of herself after all the mental damage, but now she needed a little play. She needed both the loud and quiet joys of life, peace with a little bit of wild mixed in. It was needed to feed her soul.

She also couldn’t lie that she craved some sort of human connection and validation. Yeah, she definitely was not proud of that last one.

Y/N stared at the keyboard, not believing what she was able to type into Google.

How to find a sugar daddy?

What she found out during her deep dive in the wondrous world of sugar daddies and babies was the number one site to find one was called Seeking Arrangement.  

So that is where she found herself, blinking at the statement written in bold.

100% Free to Join!

To hell with it, she thinks as she begins to fill out the application.

30 minutes later, she nods in approval as she scanned through the photos she chose. She would totally hit herself up if she was a sad middle-aged man desperate for companionship. As she hits submit, she was met with pictures of men – and surprisingly women, although there were considerably more men – complete with their basic information.

Looking for a woman to spoil.

Looking for love.

Looking for a loving companion.

Looking for a good time.

It was nothing she didn’t expect to find at a sugar baby site but it was the net worth of the men and women displayed on her screen that caught her eye. She was almost tempted to message one of them but couldn’t find it in herself to do so. She rolls her eyes at the thought.

She spent hours researching and signing up for a sugar baby website and she still finds herself being stubborn about making the first move.

Glancing at the clock, she realized that it was almost 4AM. She decides that she was going to wait for someone to message her first instead. Besides it gives off the vibe that she’s hard to get and that’s always a little bit sexy, right?

•

"Y/N! Wake up! I made banana pancakes.”

Slowly opening her eyes and stretching, her foot meets a hard surface. The cold metallic feeling on her foot was enough to remind her of her antics 7 hours ago. She hides her face on her hands, sighing. Why did she think that was a good idea?

Once she was out of her room, she was met with the sweet smell of banana pancakes and nutella. She dragged herself to where the smell was most present and found herself in the kitchen where both Lisa and Jennie sat on the counter. Jennie threw a gummy smile her way while her best friend simply nodded at her presence, busy stuffing herself with her girlfriend’s banana pancakes.

“Vas happenin’, love birds?” she greets them with a faux British accent.

“What kind of dollar store Zayn Malik am I hearing right now?” came Lisa’s reply to which Y/N’s response was to smear Nutella all over her best friend’s face.

“Yah, Y/N!” Lisa whines as she hits Y/N on the shoulder.

Y/N gasps as she prepares to retaliate.

“Children! Stop it.” Jennie scolds the two. She was used to the duo’s playful fighting but she also knew it could go on for hours if she doesn’t put a stop to it.

Both were quick to stop but stuck their tongues out at each other.

Y/N grabbed her plate to return to her room. She glanced at the couple making sure they were preoccupied enough not to notice what she was up to.

You have 11 unopened messages!

A loose grin formed on her face at the notification. Not bad. She hurriedly opened her inbox to find the different men who deemed her worthy to reach out to.

It was all pretty tame, it being the typical greeting. She sighed, already bored. It wasn’t until she reached the bottom of her inbox where a small gasp came out of her. She sat up and read the sender’s name.

Rosé Park. A woman.

She excitedly clicked on the woman’s profile.

It only took the woman’s profile picture for Y/N to realize that this Rosé Park was the type of woman she fantasized about. For starters, she was a brunette and the woman was a blonde. She was a sucker for blondes. Who could resist a good brunette and blonde wlw duo?

Santana and Brittany. Rose and Rosie. Clarke and Lexa. Piper and Alex. Need she say more?

Basically, Rosé Park was a dreamboat. Something radiated from her pictures that Y/N knew rendered her irresistible to both men and women. She could outshine any of these men on the site any day. It also only took her profile picture to realize that the woman was a big deal. Her outfit looked straight out of the pages of a fashion magazine. Why would gorgeous and rich 25-year old Rosé Park want to talk to a normal and boring 23-year old like her?

Y/N composed herself, fighting back a smile, before returning to her and Rosé’s chat.

Hi, gorgeous. I passed by your profile and knew I had to talk to you. Looking forward to your response x

Y/N’s blush seared through her cheeks and for a minute she thought her face was on fire. She suddenly felt awkward, demure, and coy; even going as far as attempting to hide her rosy features behind her slim fingers even if no one else was around to see her. She blames it on the fact that an insanely beautiful woman complimented her. So naturally, it took her at least 5 minutes of over-analyzing every possible response for her to actually send one.

Hi there :) You’re one to talk. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

To her surprise, three little dots indicating Rosé was typing appeared beside the woman’s picture.

Haha, cute.

Hmm what brings you to this site, Y/N?

The woman’s question made her pause. She doesn’t even know the answer to that. Was she supposed to make some shit up?

Um I was bored.

She facepalms herself as she hit send. Really? Your brain cogs couldn't turn fast enough to come up with a more interesting response, Y/N?

Y/N thought she blew it as 45 minutes has passed and no response from the blonde bombshell came. She internally cursed herself for her boring response to the woman. Rosé probably thought she was an airhead.

•

It was 10PM after binge watching another Kdrama with Jennie and Lisa that she remembered being left on delivered by Rosé. Her mood quickly sours as she realizes she ruined her chance at getting to know the beautiful woman. Thinking to distract herself with the depressing fact, she goes to check if any of the men messaged her back. Sure, a man could never fill the void of a woman but she really needed to talk to another human being besides Lisa and Jennie.

Y/N was apparently in for a surprise because what awaited her was a message from the woman.

Well, I hope to provide some sort of entertainment for you ;)

I’m not one to beat around the bush Y/N. I think you’re stunning and a good lay in bed. That’s a really good source of entertainment for the both of us, no?

Jesus Christ. She was not expecting that.

Y/N knew what being a sugar baby entailed but she was still brought to a shock at how blunt Rosé was being and so early on into the conversation. The thought of being with Rosé like that, being able to feel her skin against hers, the godly sounds that it would elicit…

Her private thoughts made herself blush. It seems like if there was anything Rosé was good at it was making Y/N blush. But her unholy thoughts about the woman didn’t create a cute soft pink tint on her cheek like a healthy outdoors glow, it was beet red. Y/N figured that Rosé was probably highly practiced at the art of seduction. Rosé’s looks although a masterpiece sculpted by all the deities that exist… well, nothing so pretty could possibly harm you, right? But it was that combined with Rosé’s choice of words that had anyone she chose to even focus her attention on jumping through hoops to please her. So, she swallowed her pride and forced herself to play it cool, putting on a mask that she thought would appease the woman she really wanted to impress.

I like the way you think, Rosé. I like to think I make great company in bed too ;) Give me a time and place and I’ll be there.

•

That message was what lead Y/N to the 21st floor of Seoul Forest Trimage Towers, one of Seoul’s most luxurious and exclusive apartment complex, standing outside of Rosé’s penthouse two days later.

All the reasons not to go through with it and just leave came flooding in. Y/N can feel the soft panic growing inside her body as she wills herself to breathe in and out, not quite ready to ring the doorbell just yet. But before she could finish her fourth exhale, the door was opened to reveal the woman who has not left her mind ever since signing up for that damned site.

“I grew tired of watching you hyperventilate so I thought I’d do you a favor and open the door for you.”

Y/N almost choked on air as she looks at Rosé for the first time. The pictures on her profile did not do her justice at all. The woman could have graced every billboard or magazine in the city and she wouldn’t even question it.

Y/N did not say anything - did not know what to say. She was conscious of the smirking woman standing before her, dressed in a white dress that stopped just above her knees.

“Do you wanna come in, Y/N?” Rosé’s voice was dripping with amusement, eyebrows raised. Shyness wasn’t usually Y/N’s gig so what the hell was going on?

“Yeah, sure.”

Once she entered the threshold that Rosé called home, she immediately noticed how fancy and expensive everything was. She was immediately drawn to the large window overlooking the whole city. The glass was so clear that it looked like a high definition screen at the movie theatre.

Rosé quickly picked up on her fascination, grabbing hold of Y/N’s hand and leading her to the glass window. “Cool, huh? I picked this unit because of the view. The city below is so far away it's like another world. This penthouse is my cocoon and the window, well, the window shows me as much detail as I want to know.”

Y/N could only stare at their joined hands and then to the woman beside her, intoxicated by her words. “It’s beautiful, Rosé. I’d kill to wake up to this every way. You have great taste.”

“Yeah I do have great taste huh?” Rosé looked her up and down, biting her lip before chuckling. (Y/N swears she saw the gates of heaven open at the sound)  

•

A few hours later after a candle lit dinner prepared by Rosé herself and a bottle of wine, Y/N finds herself straddled in the living room couch being kissed roughly on the neck as pure pleasure runs through her entire body.

“Fuck,” she pants as she feels Rosé grind on her. Unable to control herself anymore, Y/N holds Rosé’s head in her hands and pulls her into a fiery and passionate kiss.

“Someone couldn’t wait,” Rosé smiled against their lips.

With a laugh, Y/N pushed Rosé down on the couch, switching their positions, not breaking the kiss. Y/N’s hands slowly work their way around her body, tugging on Rosé’s dress.

“Off.”

Rosé sat up slightly, allowing Y/N to pull down the zipper of her dress, feeling skilled fingers unhook her bra. Rosé tears it off herself before reattaching their lips. Immediately, Y/N’s hands found itself on Rosé’s breasts as she tugged on her nipples.

Rosé gasps against her lips causing Y/N to pull away, making her way down and sucking on the skin surrounding Rosé’s breasts before soothing it out with her tongue.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I’m not complaining,” Rosé giggles but whimpers midway as she feels Y/N’s tongue latch onto her nipple.

“Probably the wine.”

Y/N couldn’t help but think that their bodies fit together as if they were made just for this, to fall into one another, to feel this natural rhythm.

Y/N’s hands drop to Rosé’s thighs, caressing her from above her panties. Rosé moans at the feeling of the soft silk rubbing against her as Y/N’s mouth still busied herself with her nipple.

“Oh my god.”

Rosé grips her hand tightly onto Y/N’s hair as she feels the wetness between her legs. “Take your clothes off. I wanna see you.”

Y/N stops devouring her nipple to pull her shirt off. Rosé drops her hands to the zipper of Y/N’s jeans pulling it down and slipping her own hand in.

“Good to know I’m not the only one dripping wet,” she teases.

Before she could begin her sweet torture on Y/N, she feels hands finally moving inside her panties and her mind went blank.

Fingers toyed with her nub making Rosé bite down on Y/N’s shoulder. Thumb continuing to rub Rosé’s nub, Y/N slipped two fingers in. Rosé moaned so loud that Y/N swears it was enough to get her off.

Pumping her fingers around Rosé, Y/N felt a smirk making its way on her face. She couldn’t believe she was on top of the godly woman seeing her face all scrunched up in ecstasy. She feels Rosé pulling her in for another heated kiss as she picks up her pace inside the woman. With every moan and whimper coming out of Rosé’s mouth, Y/N feels her own wetness.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Y/N mutters under her breath.

She could feel Rosé getting close as the woman’s grinding on her fingers became sloppier and her breaths became more uneven. Burying her face on Y/N’s shoulder, Rosé tries to stifle her moans as she finally comes undone.

Y/N slowly leaves feathery kisses up and down Rosé’s neck as she waits for her to come down from her high.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N.” she hears Rosé trying to catch her breath. “I honestly wasn’t expecting you to take charge tonight.”

“Maybe I’m just full of surprises,” Y/N grinned, pressing a kiss on Rosé’s temple.

Rosé slowly sat up as Y/N leaves her place on top of her. “I guess you are.”

They both sat in silence as they picked up their clothes scattered on the floor before putting them back on. Rosé was the first one to break the ice as she reaches for her purse on the wooden table. It was at that moment Y/N remembered why she was even there in the first place. Disappointment stabbed through her like a knife. Somehow during the duration of the night, she made herself forget that she was there because of an agreement made online. As if she was there spending the night with a new lover, both milking the feeling of a love that just arrived. The night started out like a sweet melody of a blackbird -- full of promise, freshness, and newness to come. Now it sat like a cold cup of coffee waiting to be drained away. All of a sudden, she felt dirty and used and all she had to blame was herself. Rosé’s words from a few hours ago during dinner echoed through her head.

I signed up because I have no time for relationships. I’m just too busy for that. It saves me the hassle of meeting new people and having to get to know them, y’know?

And truthfully, no, Y/N didn’t know. She remembers Lisa telling her she loves like a puppy - devoted, playful, and trusting. So, no, Y/N didn’t know. She just didn’t roll the way Rosé rolled.

“Here you go,” Rosé reached out with a wad of cash in her hand. “Go treat yourself. You deserve it.”

It was the way Rosé said it, so confident and smug, that Y/N knew that she was not Rosé’s first rodeo. The woman sounded like she does it so often that she just didn’t care anymore.

“How many girls receive this same amount of cash?” Y/N laughs quietly and she hopes it didn’t sound as bitter as she felt.

“A couple a week,” Rosé grins so nonchalantly it makes Y/N stomach churn. “Why?”

“Nothing,” Y/N awkwardly shifts in her place on the couch. “Um, you really don’t need to. I’m not looking for cash.”

Rosé actually looked shocked at the girl’s statement. “I’m a little bit lost here.”

“I signed up because I was bored and curious not because I’m low on money,” she laughs keeping an unamused tone. “I really didn’t expect to reach this far ahead. So, you can keep your money Rosé.”

Y/N got up and started walking towards the door. She was halfway there when she felt Rosé grab her wrist.

“Why do you sound angry? Don’t act as if you didn’t know why I invited you here, Y/N.” Rosé looked at her confused. “We met through Seeking Arrangements for god’s sake. I thought we had a good time.”

Rosé did have a good time. Aside from the mind-blowing sex, she was impressed by Y/N’s ability to be present during a conversation, always having her own two cents to offer, which lead to a lot of fun and meaningful discourse all throughout dinner. She had never met a woman through that website as enchanting and beautiful as Y/N. Y/N was a smart woman who was good at sex and Rosé liked that. A lot. So why is she being difficult?

Rosé saw different emotions flash through Y/N’s face before settling on a look of defeat. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I did have a good time.”

Y/N stepped closer to Rosé. “I loved being here with you and money was never on my mind tonight. Maybe that’s why I reacted that way. I’m sorry. I joined Seeking Arrangements for fun because honestly…I was lonely and bored and looking for some sort of human connection and that’s what you gave me tonight. I just got lucky that you reached out. That was all I needed I promise.”

She offers Rosé a genuine smile before turning to leave once more. “Have a good rest of your night, Rosé.”

Y/N hears footsteps behind her as Rosé opens the door for her, a smile planted on her face. “You’re something else, Y/N.”

Before the door closes, Rosé speaks once more. “It’s Rosie now by the way.”

The last thing she saw was the woman throwing her a wink before the door finally closed.

[drawlfoy]

The Placebo Effect p.1

pairing: draco x femslytherin!reader

warnings: probably gonna be some “mild” language (ok, coming back, i say fuck twice, so if you’re not down, now’s the time to nope out of here)

a/n: my first real writing post! please let me know if you have any feedback/constructive criticism. my requests are open, so pleaseeee send in stuff ;) also i’m not british so i deeply apologize if i don’t have enough british slang/if i misuse it...please tell me if i do!

summary: slytherin reader isn’t a big fan of draco and they argue allll the time. slughorn reshuffles potion partners the day they’re required to brew amortentia and... a little something happens. takes place in 6th year. 

word count: 1,936

pla•ce•bo ef•fect (noun) ~ a beneficial effect produced by a placebo drug or treatment, which cannot be attributed to the properties of the placebo itself, and must therefore be due to the patient's belief in that treatment.

Y/N was growing increasingly irritated with her house: the dimly lit common room that always smelled faintly like shoe polish, the dorm rooms which always chilled her to the bone, the dark green that clashed with her favorite color (pastel blue, if you were wondering), the disgusting amount of blood purity prejudice, and of course, Draco Malfoy. 

He had been tolerable enough in the beginning, focusing all his chaotic energy on Potter and the rest of the Golden Trio, but ever since 6th year had started, he’d pulled back and instead moped around like a very pale golden retriever who had just been told he wasn’t ever going to play fetch again. Well, a very pale, very rude, and very rich golden retriever. As a result, Y/N had to see much more of his ridiculously pale (but admittedly very delicately structured) face.She hadn’t known peace since.

“Watch where you’re going.” 

The cold and haughty voice ripped Y/N out of her thoughts as she accidentally bumped into a silk-clad shoulder. She looked up to see none other than Malfoy scowling down at her, his silver eyes narrowed and his jaw set. 

“My apologies. Didn’t your mother ever tell you it was rude to block the doorway?” Y/N’s voice was sugary sweet, dripping with sarcasm.

“Yes. She also told me how improper it is to get into the pants of a muggle. I’m guessing yours didn’t buy into that lesson?” A perfectly plucked blond eyebrow raised.

Y/N felt her face grew hot. How did he know her mother married a muggle? Her mouth opened and closed as the overwhelming feeling of being lost for words overtook her.

Stay calm, stay calm. Don’t let him see that he rattled you. 

Y/N set her face into a smirk that rivaled his. 

“No, actually.” She readied herself to go in for the kill. “Instead, she taught me the importance of rejecting an ideology that would eventually lead to me fucking my cousin.”

With that, Y/N made her exit, slipping past Malfoy and flouncing off to the Dining Hall. Sometimes it felt good to beat that prick at his own game.

“Alright, students,” Professor Slughorn began. He clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention and cleared his throat in a way only old men could. “Today, we’re going to be brewing the most powerful love potion in existence. Can anyone tell me what this potion is?”

Pansy Parkinson’s hand shot up. Y/N rolled her eyes. When Granger wasn’t here to remind everyone how smart she was, Parkinson was always available to pick up the slack. 

“Yes, Miss Parkinson.” 

“Amortentia. Its aroma is different to every individual, depending on what scents you find most attractive, even if you aren’t aware of it. Consuming it will make one obsessive with infatuation.”

“Thank you, Miss Parkinson.” Professor Slughorn cleared his throat once again. Y/N felt a smile form on her face. She had a special place in her heart for the professor. He was so pure and reminded her of her grandfather...even though he was a muggle. 

“I’ll assign each of you to new partners.” Slughorn’s words immediately made Y/N reconsider her previous thoughts that portrayed him kindly. She turned and sent Daphne Greengrass, her (ex) potions partner, a disappointed frown and waited to hear her name. All of the other Slytherins were intolerable or at least a little prejudiced.

This is too much for a Monday morning she thought, placing her hand on her forehead in a dramatic gesture. 

“Greengrass you’re with Zabini. Nott, you’re with Parkinson. Y/L/N, you’re with Malfoy.”

The names afterwards morphed into a slush of noise that Y/N couldn’t even be bothered to comprehend. Daphne reached over and gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze as Y/N sat, frozen with disappointment and surprise. 

This couldn’t be happening. She had done so well in his class. Why was Slughorn punishing her now? He couldn’t have missed how much of a piece of work Malfoy was, and Y/N was one of Slughorn’s favorite students. How could he betray her like this?

“Does everyone know who they will be working with today?” Slughorn’s voice pulled Y/N out of her pity party. 

“Yes, Professor Slughorn.” The depressed chorus of voices in the room offered Y/N some solace that, yes, she wasn’t the only one displeased with the new seating arrangements. 

“Good. Find your partner and begin. Your time starts now.”

Everyone sprung up in a mad dash to find their fellow worker and get started. Potions class was much harder now that they were 6th years, and each student needed all the time they were offered. 

“Fancy this.” For the second time that day, Y/N was given the treat of being surprised by Malfoy’s voice right next to her. 

“You chop, I stir.” Her words were matter-of-fact and straight to the point. She’d be damned if someone as rude as him messed up her shot at getting the highest mark. 

Surprisingly enough, Malfoy nodded, flipping open the potions book to the designated page and gathering ingredients while Y/N prepared the cauldron. 

Y/N almost started feeling bad for him as she stirred. The bags under his eyes were large enough to be designer and his eyes, once a bright and sparkling silver, were dull and unenthused. Perhaps she had judged him too quickly.

“Uh...Malfoy,” she began awkwardly, losing confidence once he met her eyes with a convicting stare, “I’m sorry about this morning. For calling you...er...a cousin fucker, and stuff.”

His eyebrows raised again. She wondered if his eyebrows ever got tired with how much he judgmentally lifted them.

“No. You’re not.” His tone was more defeated and uninterested than vindictive, so Y/N let it slide. They continued their work. 

“Your hair.” 

The phrase jolted Y/N out of her flow and forced her to look up at her partner. 

“My what?”

“Your hair. It’s about to get into the potion.” Malfoy glanced down at the lip of the cauldron and back up to my face with one eyebrow cocked as if to say yeah, look. Y/N obliged and saw a single strand of her hair barely about to touch the edge of the cauldron. 

How had he even noticed that? 

“Overdramatic much?” Y/N shot back. 

“We’re almost done, can we just get through this first?” Malfoy’s tone came across as nearly pleading, something that Y/N would never expect.

She rolled her eyes and looked down at the directions. She only had to stir the potion thirteen times clockwise, and it would be done. 

“No, I think we can talk about it now. It is basically done.” Y/N glared at him. If he wanted a fight, he could get one. 

“Well then.” His tone was a 180 from the pleading one he had adopted just a few seconds ago, now snippity and offended. “I said that no, you weren’t sorry, because I meant what I said this morning. I know you did too.”

“How would you know what I think?” 

Merlin, who did he think he was? 

“Half-bloods. They’re all the same, so predictable. It’s like you all have a hive mind or something.” He paused to fiddle with his sleeve. “But it doesn’t matter whether you meant it or not. We both know it’s not true.”

Y/N was fuming. How many times had she stirred? Ah, yes, 8. 5 more to go. It took all her willpower to continue stirring at a controlled pace. 

“Don’t you know that your blood purity isn’t a personality trait?” Y/N hissed back. 

“Sure. Still makes me superior though.” His eyes were flaming despite his measured response.

“What are you gonna do once your lot is all intermarried? What’s the plan, genius?” 

2 more stirs to go. 

“I don’t take questions from pathetic half breeds,” Malfoy spat.

1 stir left.

“Why, because you can’t answer it?” Y/N exclaimed. “You know you’re wrong!” 

13 stirs. Y/N’s hand slowed the ladle to a stop.

“No.” Malfoy leaned in, so close she could feel his hot breath one her face. “You just know that you’ll never be welcome here.”

That was it. Y/N’s hand shot up from the cauldron, aiming to shove the Malfoy heir away from her, but she forgot to drop the ladle. Instead, the ladle was flung at the two with enough force to splatter their exposed skin with the freshly brewed amortentia. 

Y/N and Malfoy both froze, staring at each other, then staring at the potion coating them.

“What have you done?” Malfoy whispered, eyes growing wide. Y/N had never noticed how kind his eyes looked--they were like two miniature stars, flickering and shimmering with the reflected light of the room. 

So that’s why my favorite color is pale blue Y/N thought dreamily, letting her hand drop the ladle to the ground. It clattered as it hit the stone, but she didn’t notice. It was much more worthwhile to admire the fairness of his hair. How could it be so pale and delicate? It reminded Y/N of spun gold.

Draco--when did she start calling him Draco?--raised one quivering hand to the side of her face.

“You have an eyelash.” His voice was quiet but deep and melodic.

His thumb brushed over the skin under her eye, making her shiver from the cool touch. He had very long, elegant fingers. How had Y/N never paid any mind to them before?

The classroom had fallen silent at this point, but Y/N hadn’t even noticed. All that existed in the room was the boy gazing at her with eyes softer than anything she had ever seen before. He still hadn’t moved from his close proximity. If Y/N looked hard enough, she could count the dark grey flecks in his eyes--ooh, or each of the long eyelashes fanning them. 

Draco licked his lips, a motion that pulled her attention away from his eyes. 

“I didn’t mean what I said about your mother,” he whispered. Never had Y/N ever heard such a tenderly stated sentiment before. 

“I know. I didn’t mean what I said either.” 

Draco’s hand was resting on the side of her face, cupping her cheek and holding her in place.

When had that happened?

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing except the fact that the blond boy was leaning even closer, his eyes beginning to flutter shut. She followed suit, sending one last glance down at his lips before they touche--

“Well, isn’t this an interesting scene.” 

Y/N and Draco sprung apart to see Professor Snape staring cooling at them.

“Thank you for calling me over, Professor Slughorn. I can take it from here. Parkinson looks like she might need some assistance.”

No matter how hard she tried, Y/N had difficulty tearing her eyes away from Draco, and it seemed as though he was fighting the same struggle.

“Do indulge me,” Snape drawled. “How did you both manage to accidentally consume the same potion?”

“Professor,” Y/N replied, “We didn’t drink it. It just spilled.” Her tone was giddier than she would’ve liked, but it was okay. Everything was okay, just as long as Draco kept looking at her with those jewel-like eyes.

“Well then.” Snape sighed. “I am assuming that neither of you bothered to listen to the explanation of how amortentia functions?”

“Well, sure, Professor,” Y/N responded. “It’s the most powerful love potion in the world and it makes you fall in love with--”

“You see,” Snape interjected, “If you or Mr. Malfoy decided to pay attention, you would’ve heard that amortentia is meant to be consumed. Its effects don’t occur from skin contact.”

“What are you saying?” Draco looked just as concerned as Y/N.

“I’m saying that you two have some unfinished business to work out. The potion didn’t cause,” Snape motioned to the two students, “this.”

With that, Professor Snape stalked off, leaving Draco and Y/N to gape at each other. 

final a/n: if you would like me to continue this, let me know! thank you for reading and send your requests in! and in the case you’re confused by the ending: check out what the placebo effect is. it’s a very interesting topic! 

[wellesleyunderground]

[TW: Suicide] A WU Conversation on Suicidal Ideation - Part I

According to a Centers for Disease Control (CDC) report, suicide is the second leading cause of death in the United States among those ages 10 - 34. While the increasing suicide rate nationwide has been reported, there is also a population of people who have experienced thoughts of suicide or suicidal ideation (SI) but perhaps haven’t necessarily acted on those thoughts. It can often be isolating or uncomfortable for those who experience SI to broach this topic with family or friends due to the stigma surrounding these types of thoughts but also possibly due to feelings of fear or shame. Wellesley Underground would like to tackle this topic head on and start to have conversations about what it is like to be a person who has had or continues to have thoughts of suicide. We reached out to the Wellesley community with a series of questions and are sharing these alum experiences with the hopes that others may feel less ‘not normal’ in hearing from their W siblings who have been in a similar place. Responses included members in classes ranging from 1994 to 2017 with their current industries including academic research, non-profit administration, higher education and law among many others. 

Here is part one in our two-part series. 

How did you first realize that the thoughts you were having constituted suicidal ideation? What age were you approximately?

“19 - I explicitly and specifically planned the least inconvenient death for others to manage.” L, Class of 1996

“Somewhere in my 20s. It's hard to say because it was so much of my thought process.” Anon, Class of 2000

“27. I was sitting in a mall parking lot; I had just finished some last minute Christmas shopping. I burst into tears because I realized I couldn’t drive home. If I did, there was a real chance I would drive my car off the highway and into a tree. I guess I had been ruminating on this strategy in the back of my mind for a while. And suddenly it burst through all the layers of my consciousness. I was very aware of it as a real option, and I felt capable of it, and I also really, really *wanted* to do it. But I also didn’t want to do it, so I just sat in my car. I felt like it would be really alarming/cruel/dramatic/ridiculous to call a loved one to help— and say what? Hey, I know this is out of the blue, but can you come pick me up so I don’t kill myself? So I just sat there, maybe for an hour, until the urge had softened a bit.” D, Class of 2012

“16 or 17 years old” Anon, Class of 2014

“I knew I wanted to die at an early age. Suicidal ideation? That terminology didn't exist at the time.” Anon, Class of 1994

“I remember reading somewhere online about suicide ideation being different from being suicidal. Almost immediately I thought to myself, I think that's what I'm doing. This was last year, I was 24.” Anon, Class of 2017

“I was in 5th grade when I first starting thinking about suicide. I was on the playground thinking about how I would kill myself and I even verbalized it to some kids-- I remember thinking that drinking perfume would kill me and I planned on doing that and even told some kids.” Anon, Class of 2008

How would you describe your experience in terms of having passive versus active suicidal ideation (or both)?

“I would say I have fallen on the passive side of SI for the better part of 20 years of so. It felt more active about 2 years ago after I experienced a traumatic event but for the most part I have sort of hovered in the passive "I'm not really attached to being alive" space.” CH, Class of 2009

“I have attempted suicide once about 6 years ago and have thought about it on and off for many years.” Anon, Class of 2014

“I’ve never been actively suicidal. I’ve never had a plan, *and* been like “Ok sis, today is the day! Let’s do this!” For at least the past four years, I’ve existed somewhere on a passive spectrum that goes from “I really wish to not be alive, and I know how I would make that happen if I ever decide to” to being someone who has no plan but who does daydream like “What if I had a freak accident today and died? That would be fine.” to being someone who is generally cool with being alive, but who takes solace in the fact that one day I won’t be.” D, Class of 2012 

“Most of my experiences have been with passive suicidal ideation. Recently, I went through a period of about a month where I dealt with active suicidal ideation.” Anon, Class of 2017

“I have had both. Usually when its active, its very painful and something has triggered an extreme response-- when i was in college it was getting a bad grade, having a bad fight with someone I love. I feel a lot of shame and doubt myself (am I being dramatic, am i trying to get attention) things of that nature. My depression is very much tied to my period -- in the days right before my period I tend to have suicidal ideation. If I haven't been taking my medication, if something upsetting has happened, if I've had too much alcohol, this combination can lead to active ideation. Otherwise, on a monthly basis I have passive suicidal ideation where I think perhaps everything would be better if I was gone.” Anon, Class of 2008

What’s going on? In your head, in your life? 

“This was before my first intensive therapy and part of what prompted it. I was in grad school, and it was so disappointing after Wellesley. I was depressed and lonely. I had moved to a new city for my grad program.” Anon, Class of 2000

“At different times in life, it differs. Some of it was an intense desire to be with others who had died, to not have to continue with the pain in daily life. If I could die without causing pain to others, I would.” Anon, Class of 1994

“I feel most suicidal when i feel lonely.” Anon, Class of 2014

“I'm 33 and really am fighting against this narrative in my head that says where I am, who I am is not good enough - that I should be prettier or more charismatic, that I should be partnered or have a graduate degree or should have moved out of my hometown or have more stamps in my passport. I know rationally that I have experienced a lot of trauma that has played a part in where I am currently in life but it's hard to quiet that voice that can't accept that reality and also acknowledge what I have been able to accomplish.” CH, Class of 2009

“The first ones were triggered by emotional loss. More recent ones stem from exhaustion and depression.” L, Class of 1996 

“I am currently a graduate student getting a PhD in biology. I am still dealing with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation, but these issues have become much less intrusive on my life. I currently have stable groups of friends and a significant other who give me a lot of support when things get hard.” Anon, Class of 2017

In thinking about your experience with SI as well as your feelings about yourself and your life overall, what factors or life events do you think contributed to or exacerbated your suicidal ideation?

“At the top of the list is just brain chemistry. I have severe PMDD. My normal current of slight melancholy sometimes morphs into suicidal ideation in the 7-10 days before my period. When I reflect on my most serious phase of suicidal ideation to date, environmental factors definitely contributed. I had a lot going on. I was navigating one very unhealthy romantic relationship, and dealing with the deeply painful end of another. I was applying to grad school. I was in a toxic living situation. Donald Trump had just been elected president. One of my close friendships was under strain. And I had decided to “take a break” from my organizing community, which was one of my most important sources of social support, at probably the exact wrong time.” D, Class of 2012

“Romantic relationships ending, overwhelming nature of parenting and working full time, underlying untreated depression and anxiety.” L, Class of 1996 

“Isolation and people judging me for my mental health exacerbated my suicidal ideation.” Anon, Class of 2014

“Lack of a local support network, loneliness, isolation, emotional abuse from childhood.” Anon, Class of 2000

“I don't have a strong sense of self worth and I tend to be highly critical of myself. Prior to college, I also didn't have any very strong relationships. I am not emotionally close/open with my parents or siblings and I didn't have strong friendships. These things exacerbate(d) my suicidal ideation because I can convince myself that I wouldn't be missed.” Anon, Class of 2017

“Family dysfunction, multiple traumas, not feeling loved or valued, being financially responsible for adult family members, sacrificing my goals/dreams due to family obligations.” CH, Class of 2009

“My personal experiences with suicide (in two years a close family friend, a teammate in college, and my best friend's college friend committed suicide), years of mounting depression.” Anon, Class of 2017

____________________

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, here are some resources: 

National Institute of Mental Health 

Suicide Prevention Resource Center (SPRC)

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)

Canadian Mental Health Association 

International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)

[cutesuki--bakugou]

Return To Me

Ch. 2: Support and Rage Vampire, Quirkless, Victorian / Medieval Era AU

Based off of THIS AU by @vines-of-an-ivy / @aizawasbedtimestories

Genre: Angst / Romance

Rating: Explicit | Violence / Blood / Mentions of suicide and self harm / Depression / Mental Illness / Sex and intimacy

Main Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x Koge Naegi (OC)

Side Pairings: Seijirou Eguchi (OC) x Dokuji Kobayashi (OC), Eijirou Kirishima x Nene Date (OC)

Bakugou and Koge were just about to start their life together when he vanishes without a trace. Now, all she wants is for him to come back to her, even if he has turned into something inhuman.

“Koge are you sure you want to wear that out? What if it rains on it?”

“Oh it will be fine, Nene. It gets washed in water, what would a little rain do to it?” Koge glowered up at her friend as they walked together down the stone paved streets of town. Although the weather was quite dreary, grey and wet, the streets were bustling with activity. People of all kinds and social status wandered around, set on their destinations that Koge could care less about knowing. Although it was busy, the crowds seemed to part for them, allowing them through without much effort. But, unlike her brighter days, the people in their way did not part out of respect.

Rather, it was a fear that had them stepping out of the way. Koge did have to admit that she understood why they were wary of her, though she thought that this nonsense would have faded with time. It isn’t uncommon for a lover to suffer from a mental illness of some kind when losing their partner, either to death or interest in another. But, whatever Koge had been suffering from wasn’t understood by anyone but herself. The pain had been unbearable when her lover had vanished, and somehow, there had been a rumor that spread. It was said that the cuts on her wrists were not an attempt to take her life, but instead a blood sacrifice, a ritual to beg the gods to return her lover to his world.

It was nonsense, of course. Koge had tried to do no such thing, but since then, she had been labeled as a possible witch. She had even been blamed for Bakugou’s disappearance, some saying she sold his soul to the devil in exchange for power. It was the most ridiculous thing Koge had ever heard, but her attempts to explain herself were in vain. And so, she was outcasted by all but those closest to her, including her family, Bakugou’s family and her few friends.

The biggest reason why Koge wouldn’t have done any type of ritual to bring him back was because she didn’t believe he was dead in the first place. No body found, no evidence, no suspects, no proof. There was nothing to make her believe that he had passed on, and so she kept hold of the smallest hope that perhaps he would return one day. Tomorrow, another year, five years or even twenty years from now, she would welcome him back with open arms.

At first, she had tried to argue with anyone who said that he was dead, often getting into verbal fights that a woman of her status should never be seen engaging in. Polite, quiet and obedient is how she was supposed to be, but that is never how she was. Bakugou had told her that’s what he liked about her, how she never held her tongue even in front of someone who could have her thrown into jail with a single word. Of course, being this way didn’t come without its punishments and difficulties. This included being dubbed as insane any time she tried to claim that Bakugou was still alive, even so far as to nearly be thrown into a madhouse for it. Her only salvation had been her soon to be Mother-In-Law, who had used her status and money to protect her, but only with the condition that Koge would calm down.

So she had. Nearing the one year anniversary of her lovers disappearance, Koge kept to herself, not even bothering to snap back at people who tried to belittle her or insult her. She had her family, her friends and her possessions to keep her company, bringing what little happiness she could muster to the surface. One of them being the subject of Nene’s current worry.

A deep red scarf that used to belong to her lover, worn around her shoulders and tucked into her bodice to act as a draped shaw. It was quite large on Koge and was not typically something that a woman should be seen wearing, but that was of little consequence. Often on the days that she was missing him more than normal, she would adorne a piece of his clothing, just to calm her. This scarf had always been her favorite, the fabric warm and soft against her skin.

“But you always fret about getting it dirty.” Nene continued with her worry. “I just don’t want something to happen to it, you’ll get so upset.”

“It’s fine. I’ll be inside most of the day, anyway.” Koge stopped at the entrance to an odd looking dome shaped building, one which was extremely uncommon for this areas architecture. Though, it matched the oddness of the owner, so it was nothing anyone gawked at for long. As she pushed open the door, a bell jingled excitedly, announcing her arrival.

“Ah, welcome in! Just a moment!”

The excited voice called from up the spiral staircase, which lead to a small library and storage of special herbs and liquids. Just as Koge and Nene stopped to wait patiently, and figure of a young man their age approached the intricate iron railing, grinning down at them with sharp pointed teeth. “Nene! And Koge! What a surprise!”

Koge gave a small nod in greeting, while Nene gave a shy wave. “Hello, Kiri. It’s good to see you.” Both women took a step back as Kirishima leapt over the railing, landing in front of them with polished ease. Koge gave a small shake of her head, raising an eyebrow at her energetic friend. “Eijirou, Sir Eguchi gets upset when you jump over the railing like that. Remember last time, you fell through the floor.” Koge pointed over towards a spot not too far away, where a brand new cellar door rested, locked and waiting use. Eijirou chuckled, ruffling his mess of straight red hair. “Aha, well, Sir had been talking about making a new entrance to the basement anyway! So it worked out!” A grin and a thumbs up followed his confident, if not ignorant, statement.

Nene giggled softly. “Still, you should be careful, Kiri. It would be bad if you did get hurt.” Kirishima’s grin softened to a smile, giving a playful bow. “As you wish! Though I’m tougher than you think.”

“If you start going off about being part dragon again, I’m going to fire you.”

A new voice filled the room, catching the full attention of the three young adults. A tall man came out from a back room that was behind the long counter, eyeing his employee with annoyance. His orange gaze was piercing, instantly making Kirishima laugh nervously as he rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry, Sir! I swear I wasn’t! I was just gonna say that I, uh… I’ve been training?” His face flushed as Nene giggled, obviously embarrassed at being caught.

“Well, now that Koge is here, you can take a few hours off. Why don’t you take dear Nene out for a while, hm?” The older man smiled at them, leaning on the counter with gloved hands clasped. Nene’s cheeks flushed darker, though she looked down at Koge, worried about leaving her. Koge gave a small nod, nudging Nene in the arm gently. “Go on. You can buy some of the things we need at the house while you’re out. You have my money purse, just leave me enough for flowers.”

“O-okay… Thank you. I’ll be back soon.” Nene gave a small bow before leaving with Kirishima silently, though Koge could hear them laughing softly once outside. Looking back out of the window, she watched them vanish into the crowd, Nene taking Kirishima’s arm as he offered it to her. She must have been staring for a while, as the sound of her mentor’s voice startled her a bit.

“Come here, my dear.”

Tearing her eyes away from the window, Koge made her way over to the counter, placing her delicate hand into his large one as he offered it to her. “What’s wrong? Tell Seiji all about it.”

Koge sighed softly, looking up at Seijirou as she tried to think of what to say. Though, looking at this man didn’t exactly help her thoughts stay clear. There was something odd about him, something that she could never quite put her finger on, but it wasn’t exactly anything bad. The problem was that he was absolutely gorgeous, with pale flawless skin and a piercing gaze that typically left people speechless. Women that came into the apothecary would always swoon over him, his charming smile and alluring voice enough to make any woman leave their husband in an instant and vice versa. He could have anyone he wanted, and yet, he chose to be alone. It was odd to Koge, but that is just how he was, and he had been so good to her that she didn’t dare question his reasoning.

“It’s just… I had that same dream again this morning.” Koge touched the scarf around her shoulders tenderly. “I’m just struggling more lately.” Seijirou nodded, patting the top of her hand gently. “I see. Is that all?”

“No… when I woke up this morning, a fire had been started. Just like Katsuki used to do for me. And the window was open just a tad. Nene said it wasn’t her. I… don’t really know what to think.” Koge had kept her gaze down while speaking, feeling a bit timid about sharing these thoughts. Though, when she looked back up, she thought for a moment there was a different gleam in Seijirous eyes, one intense and even angry. Though, it was gone with a blink, his comforting smile only growing. “Oh darling, that is an odd occurrence! Perhaps it was simply a misunderstanding between the maids.”

“Probably.” Koges eyes moved down to his hands as his leather gloves squeaked a bit with his movement. Ever since she first met him, he had gloves on his hands, every single moment. She wasn’t sure why, and though she had asked a long time ago, he simply laughed it off and claimed that it was because of his fear of dirt and grime. Her hand was so pale against the worn black leather of his gloves, only adding to her thoughts that she looked sickly. Seijirou must have noticed as well, a finger tracing one of her visible veins.

“Not getting much sun, are you?” Seijirou released her hand, standing up straight. Koge gave a small shake of her head, making her way around the counter to the back room. “No, Sir. I tend to stay indoors unless I’m coming here or buying flowers.”

“You’re thinner, too! My dear, you know the first steps to feeling better are to take care of yourself.” Seijirou followed her, reaching up to ruffle his wavy black hair, which was parted over to one side with the other shaved down. The long side reached down to his shoulder, and though it was an odd haircut, it wasn’t all that odd for him. Koge sighed as she entered the room, closing her eyes while removing her small purse. “I understand that, Sir, but—“

She was interrupted by her own squeal, dropping her purse and covering her mouth in fright. Much to her embarrassment, she had been startled by another person in the room, something she wasn’t exactly used to seeing. Another man was sitting in a chair across the room, lax with his feet propped up on a table. Though, the instant her eyes landed on him, he tended, piercing blue glare keeping her frozen in her spot. Seijirou was the one to break the tension, chuckling softly as he walked inside.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Koge! I should have told you I had a guest.” He stopped beside her, bending down to pick up her purse for her. Koge glanced up to her teacher before back towards the stranger, watching him closely as he removed his feet from the table. “O-oh that’s okay, I was just… not paying attention.” After handing her purse back to her, Seijirou motioned for the other man to come over, though he also took a step forward himself. Koge thought this a bit odd, as if he were putting space between her and the newcomer, but she decided to stay quiet about it.

“Come here, Doey, it’s alright.”

Standing, the man slowly approached, keeping his eyes down as he ruffled his already messy orange hair. The closer he got, Koge could see that he was just as flawless as Seijirou, freckles sprinkled across his face and exposed shoulders, his tattered grey vest doing little to cover his torso and arms. It was odd to her that he couldn’t seem to keep eye contact for more than a few seconds at a time, but she assumed that he was shy or possibly even put off by her own emotionally drained stare.

“Koge, darling, his is Dokuji. He’s going to be my new apprentice, learning with you. Though, he’ll end up being here at different times than you more often than not.” Seijirou patted Dokuji’s shoulder, making the younger mans face scrunch up a bit in annoyance. Koge nodded, giving a small bow in greeting. “It’s a pleasure.”

Although she had her head down and couldn’t see him, Koge could hear how hard Dokuji swallowed before he spoke, his voice a bit nervous and shaken. “The pleasure’s mine, uh… miss--?”

“Please just call me Koge. I prefer not to go by my last name.”

“Right,” Dokuji took in a deep breath, awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m going to… Go deal with the, uh… Boxes.” He wormed his way around the two, quickly scurrying out of the room. Seijirou huffed, glaring after him as he placed his hands on his hips. “Excuse you!”

“Yeah, excuse me!” Dokuji called back, though he was already up the stairs and out of sight.

With a sigh, Seijiro headed over towards his desk, pulling open a drawer. “He’s not really used to this type of environment, so please forgive him. He’ll get better once he’s more comfortable around you.” Koge nodded, taking a piece of parchment as he handed it to her. “Of course, I understand. Are these the concoctions for today?”

With a nod, Seijirou sat down in his chair, pulling a large leather book towards him. “Yes. Do you remember them all?”

“If not I will look them up in the books before I make them. Hm… though most of these are sedatives?”

“Ah yes, we had an order from the hospital that we need to rush, so these are priority. Just don’t ingest anything or you’ll be sleeping on the floor.” Seijirou chuckled as he gave her a playful nudge in the arm, sending her off to work. “And take care of customers as they come in, okay?”

“Yes, Sir.” Koge left the room without another word, sticking to her duties.

By the time Nene and Kirishima returned, Koge had finished all her work and was allowed to leave, Nene talking her ear off excitedly as they left. Though, the instant the door shut behind them, Seijirou sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Man… That poor girl--”

He was cut off by a sudden thud right under his feet, the wood floor shaking with the impact. With an annoyed click of his tongue, he headed to the cellar door that Kirishima had forced him to make, squatting down beside it. “What?!”

“Get down here you fucking kook! Now!”

“And why should I do that?”

“Come down here or I’m going up there, you fucking prick!”

Pulling out his keys from his pocket, Seijirou unlocked the padlock on the door, pulling it open and beginning his descent down the stairs. The cellar grew dark as the door slammed shut behind him, though he had no problems seeing, stepping out into the open area. Arms crossed over his chest, his gaze met with the crimson glare that came from across the room, the figure sitting with his back against the wall.

“What do you want? I’m busy trying to run a business.”

“I want you to tell me what the fuck you think you’re doing. Why would you let her near that fucking creep, he’s not ready!”

“And you think you are? I have to lock you in a damn cellar just to keep an eye on you. What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?” Seijirou snapped back, walking closer as he pointed up towards the ceiling. “You damn idiot! You think it was smart to go to her this morning?! You think your little gesture was sweet?”

The confronting man before Seijirou stood, though he wasn’t given a chance to speak. “She needs to think you’re dead! Now all she has on her mind again is you, all because you decided a visit would be smart. It wasn’t, Katsuki. You’ll be lucky if Our Lady doesn’t rip you to shreds because you did that.”

“She can go choke on a dick, it’s not like I wanted this--” Bakugou was interrupted by his own choked scream as Seijirou snatched him by the neck, slamming him up against the wood wall with nearly enough force to send him through it. Ignoring the feeling of Bakugou’s claws digging into his arm, Seijirou leaned in closer, his glare and voice dark enough to send anyone running. “Next time you say something like that about Our Lady, I’ll be the one to rip you apart. I’ve known you and Koge for years, and what’s happened to you both breaks my heart. But I won’t stand for your tough guy rebellious bullshit.”

Releasing him, Seijirou backed away, leaving Bakugou to sit back down and clutch his throat. “If you love her, Katsuki. You’ll stay away. This will be the last time I allow you into the town during the day.”

With a scoff, Bakugou leaned back against the wall, too physically weak from hunger to fight back. “Go fuck yourself. Or get your little pet to do it for you, I don’t care. You don’t know what’s best for her.”

“I do know that she’s been mourning your loss for too long. You can watch her and protect her all you want, but you have to become nothing but a memory. Now get control of yourself. We’re leaving soon, and you’re eating tonight, whether you like it or not.” Seijirou turned and began his way out of the cellar, not bothering to take another look at the broken man behind him. “Accept what you are and get over it. The faster you do that, the less painful the rest of eternity will be.”

Once again left alone, Bakugou leaned his elbows on his knees, hiding his face in trembling hands. He was so hungry and so distraught, the scent of every human that had entered the store that day clinging to his senses, like he was in a pit of endless flesh. Koge’s, however, was the most prominent, so strong that he could have sworn he could taste her on his tongue. How badly he wanted to rip into her, to sink his teeth into her skin and drain her of life was overwhelming. Maybe Seijirou had been right, that his actions that day had been a huge mistake.

Because now, he found himself wanting Koge more than he ever had in his entire life, and he couldn’t have her. He wished desperately to change what had happened, to wake up and realize this entire ordeal was nothing but a crazy nightmare.

But he knew he never would.

[maki-and-sushi]

Rantaro, Kokichi, Tenko, and Shuichi noticing a fem! S/O self harming.

Anonymous said: Um could I get Rantaro, Kokichi, Tenko, and Shuichi reacting to their female s/o committing suicide or just self harming so often that the characters requested finally notice one day..? Thank you

Warnings: depression, angst, mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm, but it gets better.... I can't stand to leave a sad ending, not like this. not about this. - Mod Katie.

Dear Anon: It hurts. it Always does. so many things are going through my head right now that I want to say to you. I know it hurts, to have this pain and evil inside of you that feels so obvious, so blatant, calling out, crying out for someone to save you. it hurts, to go day by day as the weight of this horrible creature hangs over you. I get it. you aren't alone.

But you can't wait for someone to save you.

It might feel like it's hopeless, and it might feel impossible, but you have to realize: if you were underwater, and you needed to breathe, would you wait for someone to throw you a floater? or would you swim up for air? In this day, people are always busy, and often don't notice what's right in front of them. It will hurt, and it will break your soul. it will make you feel like you are insignificant and like you're a bother. but you're not. you are wonderful and beautiful and worthy of love. But you can't wait for someone to tell you that.

You have to teach yourself that.

You have to save yourself.

Rantaro

Rantaro knew you had depression. you had skirted around the topic before, before sheepishly admitting to your depression. Rantaro, being the loving and supportive boyfriend he was, immediately reassured you that you could always talk to him about it, he was here for you!

...While you appreciated the sentiment, hell would freeze over before you actually voiced your feelings to another living soul, especially one who's opinion meant so much to you .

So you did what you always did, and suffered in silence. when it got too much, you released tension onto your wrists.

The more you did it the deeper into depression you fell.

The world felt heavy, and living seemed to be more and more of a challenge.

You moped around, and could barely get up in the morning. You rarely ate, and you just stared off into nothing, watching TV and only leaving your house when absolutely necessary.

Rantaro wasn't blind. he knew something was up, but he didn't want to pry. he figured, if you wanted to talk, you would talk. That didn't stop him from worrying, however.

Deciding he wanted to talk to you, He had offered to bring you your favorite take out, in hopes to bring your spirits up. when you had failed to reply to his texts, he thought your phone might just be dead, and he went to your house anyway.

He had reached your apartment, and receiving no answer, decided to come in anyway. It's not like you would get out of bed anyway.

setting the food down in your kitchen, rantaro decided to go wake you up, before your food got cold, so you could both eat. Crossing the house and reaching your bedroom door, he paused. Were you... crying? Swinging open the door, desperate to comfort you-

...

you were sitting there, face ashamed as you held a knife in one hand, and bandages in the other. He couldn't tear his eyes away from your arm. littered with cuts in uniform size, some old and some new, your arm looked red and angry.

Your mouth flutterd open and close, uselessly trying to form words that would explain this, explain how alone you felt, how this was the only way you felt like you could get some release...

Rantaro walked over to you, hesitantly, as if you were a wild animal. when he got near enough to you, he pried the knife out of your hands. he threw it to the floor and gathered you into his arms.

Both of you, shaking, sobbing, and holding each other. You told him that you were sorry for not being honest. That just started an avalanche of apologies out of both of you. Rantaro, apologizing for not noticing, for not being there. You, hearing this, claimed it all was on you. Both of you sat there for the better part of an hour, just crying, holding the other close, and trying to piece back together pieces of your broken heart.

It was the day of your wedding, and you couldn't be happier. you were standing at the alter with the man you loved, you were surrounded by friends and family, and most importantly, you were 2 years clean.

It wasn't easy. there had been days when you found yourself peering down the rabbit hole of depression, ready to dive back in...

but you had gotten help. With rantaro to support you, you had sought help from professionals. It didn't mean you were cured, far from it. But now you took medicine to keep the thoughts from piling on you, and you had techniques for when things got too gloomy. Every day was another fight, but as of recent, they were getting easier and easier to win. You held on to hope that maybe someday, you wouldn't need to fight at all.

"There are good days and bad days. (sometimes more bad than good) But that's ok. (you are okay) this is part of getting better."

 Kokichi

Kokichi had known from day one that you had depression. How, when something happened, you would quite down and curl in on yourself. how you seemed to distance yourself and shut yourself away from everyone.

he wasn't an idiot.

He tried his best to keep you occupied, to keep your mind off of more depressing things. He wasn't one to get all touchy feely, but he tried his best to be there for you.

He thought it would be enough.

He noticed when you started wearing long sleeves, no matter the weather. How you would get jumpy whenever someone would look at your sleeves for more than a second, how you would avoid all physical contact when someone tried to touch you.

Kokichi was a master of lies, and he could quite plainly see through yours.

Really, if he didn't have more pressing matters to talk to you about, he would sit you down and give you lessons in lying like a pro. 

 He wasn't about to sit by and let his partner in crime hurt themselves.

At least one of the perks of having over 10,000 members in his organization meant he could gather enough people for an intervention at a moment's notice.

when you came home from work that day, you were surprised at the small circle of chairs surrounding the door. Thinking it was a prank, you weakly chuckled and waved at the people with a shaky smile on your face. When kokichi came to you with a serious look on his face, however, your smile fell from your face.

 It wasn't pretty. there were tears, a little bit of yelling, and denial.... but kokichi and you finally had the heart to heart you needed. (after he sent all those ridiculous people in clown masks home)

Kokichi could not be prouder of you. You were 5 years strong, and with a little girl on the way, you and kokichi were building a life together. 

After your encounter that fateful day, you and him had set up some precautions from then on. code words for when you needed something, but were embarrassed to ask. Weekly 'recharge' sessions where you both talked about what was troubling you. Kokichi had realized that if he wanted you to be completely honest with him, he had to start being earnest with you, too.

it was hard for him to open up at first. (years of building up walls and lying defenses don't just go away) but with your help, he had learned to stop bottling things up.

He watched, amused, as you fawned over a cute little baby on TV, subconsciously holding your stomach. He sometimes wondered, how it might have gone had he not confronted you. Every possible outcome seemed grimmer than the last.

But he was so happy to have you here. a few years ago, the idea of having a baby would have sent you into a panic attack, or even a depressive spiral. he knew that the baby would have made you so afraid, so terrified.....

But now, you and him both looked forward to a future together with a little girl in between the both of you.

"Hold on tight, this ride is a wild one.

Make no mistake, the day will come when you can't cover up what you've done."

Tenko

You tried not to be a bother. Honest, you did. you felt bad asking for attention, and felt ashamed asking for validation. You didn't want your girlfriend, or anyone, finding out how sick you were.

You figured that if Tenko found out how messed up you were, how broken you felt, she would leave you. You were afraid of being too needy, to difficult.

You were afraid that she would leave.

So, you bottled it all up and prayed no one would find out.

As time went on, the worse you felt. It got to the point where your mind was like a bully. Any shred of hope or joy you felt, your mind quickly turned it for the worse, or ruined the mood. you sometimes just considered ending it all, stopping this weight on your chest, stopping these terrible thoughts.

You started doing more and more stupid things. you were carless. When you got a headache, instead of taking 2 painkillers, you took 4. then 6, then 8. You started cutting yourself to focus on something besides the god-awful voice in your head. you slept all day and rarely left the house. you rarely ate, too.

you thought that this torment would go on forever.

One day after an intense aikido session, Tenko came home bruised and sweaty. Her arms were killing her, and the bruises from her sparring practice hurt like hell. She went to go take some painkillers, only to find that the bottle was nearly empty.

"Hey hon, where did all the painkillers go?" tenko called, walking to your shared bedroom.

When a muffled 'I took them' came out from under the covers, tenko stopped short. 

"what do you mean you took them? why?" tenko asked, fearful.

when you popped your head out from under the covers, that fear decreased subsided a little

"I've had really bad headaches as of recent, I took a few" you said, monotonously.

Tenko felt the fear she had been fighting come back and rear its ugly head at her. She tried to remain calm, however.

"Hon.... I bought this bottle, like, 4 days ago...It's a hundred count" tenko said, coming over to you, slowly.

Cold apprehension spiked through your heart at those words

'How could you be so careless?! Now she'll know!!' the voice in your head screamed.

When tenko saw the look of fear on your face, she felt her stomach drop. Quickly grabbing the phone, she called for an ambulance.

You sat by, frozen in shock as your mind twisted everything she was doing

'She's calling the nut house!! she's going to lock you up!~'

you tried to get up, to go to her to convince her you were fine, but your movements felt groggy, and slow. After you got up, the room started to spin, lurching to the side and then-

B L A C K

...

You woke in the hospital with a weeping Tenko by your side. Seeing her like this, your heart broke. You couldn't believe that you were the cause of those desperate cries.

You and tenko had trouble after that. She was hurt that you woulden't talk to her, she was hurt that you would do all of those horrible things to yourself.

You and her had a long talk after that, and when you were finished, you came to the conclusion that you and Tenko wouldn't break up.... But you had to sign up for Rehab.

Rehab was long and it was tough. it seemed pointless and patronizing, at times. But with tenko visiting you every day, you carried on.

It was 6 years later, and Tenko had just won the National championship tournament for MMA in America. You were there, screaming and cheering your head off, waving a banner and hugging her tight. the press surrounded both of you, snapping pictures and recording live.

Tenko pulled away from the tight embrace, and at your confused look, she gave a smile.

Then in front of every major news network in America, she got down on one knee.

 (you said yes)

 "And the hardest part of living is just taking the breaths to stay

Cuz I know i'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet.

And I need it,"

 Shuichi

Shuichi knew what you were struggling with. He wasn't the ultimate detective for nothing, after all.

He constantly tried to get you to open up to him, to share some of the burden that plagued your mind.

What he didn't know, however, was the extent to which you were fighting.

How, every night, you would succumb to the evil treachery in your mind, carving away at yourself until you hurt more on the outside than you did on the inside.

Shuichi didn't necessarily catch you, but he did catch you throwing away bloody bandages. trusting his instincts, he immediately made you go to the hospital with him.

It turns out, it was a good thing he made you go with him, despite the fact that you insisted that he was over reacting. you had just cut your finger! that was all! (he hadn't actually seen your arms yet. but he knew.)

It turns out, the cuts you had were badly infected. Some of them even required stiches for them to heal properly.

Shuichi, who had been sent outside during the exam, came in to see your arms wrapped up like a mummies'.

neither of you said anything as he came to sit by you.

nether of you said anything when the nurse came back into the room to tell you that you had been placed on suicide watch.

...

You had spent the next 3 months in rehab. after that, you had spent a year in therapy. And through it all, shuichi was there to offer support.

It was time.

You and shuichi were about to take a big step in your relationship

you were getting a dog.

more specifically, you were getting a therapy dog.

your therapist had recommend you get a live-in therapy dog, and shuichi was more than happy to accommodate.

you were getting better. slowly, day by day. sometimes it was hard,  and sometimes you didn't even need help.

but every day you took your meds, and then every day you cuddled with rex and shuichi and everyday, you enjoyed your life.

 "Share one more drink with me, smile even though you're sad I'm walking the long road, watching the sky fall The lace in your dress tingles my neck, how do I live?"

[wordsnstuff]

Tips On Writing About Mental Illness

-- These are my personal tips based on personal experience when it comes to reading and writing about mental illness and mentally ill characters. This isn’t meant to offend anyone, so let this serve as a trigger warning to those who might find the subject matter of this post uncomfortable. That being said, I hope this is helpful to you!

Do Your Research

It is INCREDIBLY important to do your research on everything when it comes to mental illness. Know the difference between a story and a stereotype, know symptoms, read about and listen and talk to actual people with mental illness, hear their stories, know how people express mental illness, everything. There is more than one form of self harm. There are multiple mental illnesses under the umbrellas of anxiety and depression and obsessive compulsive disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. Also, I highly recommend, if you’re working on a larger piece of writing, that you talk to a licensed psychologist or specialist doctor about mental illness, because the internet has a ton of misinformation and false facts about it and it’s more reliable (obviously) to talk to a professional. When it comes to subjects like this, it’s imperative that you know what you’re talking about.

Use Primary (And Reliable) Sources

Like I mentioned previously, there are a ton of primary sources out there made by people and about people with mental illnesses, so utilize them. Even if you, yourself, suffer with mental illness, it’s always wise to explore the different ways people experience it and the different ways it affects their lives. It simply makes you more educated and that’s never a bad thing. Read people’s stories about their illnesses, read interviews, listen to podcasts made by professionals or read blogs by doctors or whatever. Tip that you probably already know, try to stick to .org, .edu, and .gov sites when doing internet research. There are obviously worthy exceptions but use your common sense to know an unreliable source when you see one.

Do Not Make Mental Illness The Character’s Only Identity

Your character should not only revolve around mental illness because in real life, mentally ill people still lead actual lives. A character can be depressed and still work hard in school. A character can have schizophrenia and really love their partner. Yes, mental illness does affect every part of a character’s life, but it doesn’t make those parts go away. Mentally ill people are not shells of human beings. Avoid giving your readers the impression that it’s reasonable to believe that they are.

Portray, Don’t Romanticize/Desensitize

Romanticization of mental illness has become incredibly common, especially on the internet. While there is a major stigma against people who actually have mental illness, there is also a stigma against people who fake it because it’s ‘trendy’ or whatever. You need to keep this in mind when even talking about mental illness, because this reaches further than only writing about it: mental illness is an illness, not a personality trait. Self harm is not something to be taken lightly. You aren’t “cute but psycho”. Mental illness is an illness, whether you can see it or not, and you wouldn’t buy a t-shirt that says “cute but a cancer patient” on it. Portraying mental illness can and should be done in a respectful manner. Those horrid pro-ana or pro-mia or “screw neurotypical people” or self harm glorifying blogs and sites and stuff are ridiculous and harmful to people of all levels of mental illness. Do not be like these people when you’re writing characters with mental illness. You’re portraying an illness, not a fad.

Portray Symptoms Instead Stereotypes

People who suffer from depression are not constantly crying. Schizophrenic people don’t stand around seeing imaginary butterflies all day. People with bipolar do not have a mood swing every five minutes. Obviously, these are extreme examples of stereotypes associated with mental illnesses, and there are tons of less detectable one, but I think you get the point. Yes, delusions are one of many symptoms of schizophrenia, but most of the time, a symptom does not constantly affect a person with mental illness. This just kind of goes with the territory of do your research, so please educate yourself on how mental illness is actually displayed in a person’s life.

Make Your Mentally Ill Characters Ones Your Readers Can Identify With

Like I mentioned previously, mental illness should not be the only trait that your characters hold. Your characters are portraying people, which have interests and hobbies and things they like and dislike and feel and experiences that have shaped them. Use those to appeal to the reader. It’s no secret to readers or writers that most books are popular, in part, due to relatable characters and situations. If you’re writing a book that is telling about a character’s struggle with mental illness, you will probably be reaching an audience of people who have that illness, and you want to make a character that they can identify with. These characters are not only difficult to form, but imperative when it comes to literature about mental health. These characters and portrayals make the readers feel understood and less alone, which is a huge responsibility that you need to come to terms with and be prepared for.

Give Up On The “Crazed Killer”

Maybe this was acceptable 30 years ago, but the world has matured and educated itself a great deal (We aren’t there yet, though) about mental health and what it actually means when somebody is mentally ill. However, the stereotype that people with mental health issues are destined to become murderers or school shooters or whatnot is harmful and the literary world needs to start realizing that mental illness is not the all in one solution to the issue of “why is my villain doing this? Oh yeah, cause they’re crazy”. Taking that easy way out is lazy. Come up with a real arc for your villain. 

Mental illness can play a part in what makes people do horrible things, but it’s usually not the main cause. And if you’d like to justify making mental illness apart of your character, focus on the events that lead to the illness, not the symptoms themselves. It’s more interesting and doesn’t feed into the stigma when it comes to mental illness. Yes, mental illnesses can be linked to genetics, but in most cases, they’re caused by other factors-- like psychological and environmental ones. Either way, it is better to develop a backstory for a character with mental illness. Not only because it makes your character more human, but it can educate people on mental illness and what causes it. 

Be Prepared For Criticism

There will be people who don’t identify your characters and therefore dismiss your understanding of mental illness, even if you suffer from it. It’s common sense that everyone with a mental illness experiences it differently, but it’s not as common sense as you may believe. Remember two things when it comes to writing about mental illness: 1.) You are starting a discussion, which is incredibly important and difficult, and you are responsible for however that discussion starts. 2.) You will never get it 100% right. Not all of your readers will identify with your characters. Your story will not reflect every reader’s truth. It is a sensitive subject and the world still hasn’t made up its mind on it, but starting the discussion is important and the more awareness this issue gets, the closer we are to solutions.

Know Your Mental Illnesses

I’ve made another post about mental illnesses that was made to educate and raise awareness about mental illness. It lists quite a few mental illnesses and details about them so you can check it out here. There are countless other resources out there for you to learn about the different types of mental illnesses and specific forms of mental illnesses. 

Be Truthful 

Be honest about how mental illness affects people’s relationships and careers and families and self-image. Stories about mental health don’t always have a happy ending and they definitely don’t have much of a happy middle either. Your mentally ill character’s partners, majority of the time, will probably be a bit uncomfortable if they learn your character is self-harming. Your character’s family will probably try to down-play your character’s illness because of common denial that comes with learning about anybody you love being sick. A character with depression will probably find it very difficult to get out of bed some days, let alone go into work and pretend everything is peachy keen. Be honest. Be realistic. Be raw about how mental illness can destroy people and, if your story is about a person recovering, how seeking help can be really really hard.

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[713-4th-ward-g]

1 - 1OO 🤪

 this is so wild but i can’t sleep so ima give this a try lmao

1. A selfie? i dont like taking pictures

2. How old are you? im 22

3. What is your birthday? september 4th

4. What is your zodiac sign? ima virgo

5. What is your favorite color? blue or gold 

6. What’s your lucky number? my lucky number is 4

7. Do you have any pets? i had two dogs but one of them died 

8. Where are you from? im from houston, texas 

9. How tall are you? im like 5 foot 7 inchs maybe a lil more taller

10. What shoe size are you? ima size 10

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? shit before 2 years ago i only had 2 pairs of shoes but now i have 10 talk about the come up

12. What was your last dream about? damn i aint even going to lie. last night i had a dream of my tio luis who jus died. it started wit me in the kitchen and i heard some one knocking at the backdoor and when i opened it, it was my tio luis. and i stared in shocc like i couldn’t believe it. i told him in spanish how can you be here you died.. and he said no mijo im right here - as he laughs and enters- then i call my mom over and she started to cry right at his feet.. and im still just looking at him like hoping it wasnt a dream that if i wake up he’d be here.. and my uncle was just talking to me in spanish and im still there in the kitchen so happy that i can hear his voice again.. and im looking at him in his eyes and i see life like i see him so happy joking around.. he brought stuff from the dollar store.. like he always did.. and i swear i wanted to low key cry my eyes got watery when he finally started to leave through the back door. he just said “mijo ima go to sleep” and i didnt want to let him go to sleep. but he said “ i have to go im sleepy” then i hear him laughing as he closes the backdoor like he always did at nights..

13. What talents do you have? i am very talented in basketball 

14. Are you psychic in any way? i in no way have any psychic bone in my body haha.

15. Favorite song? i have so many favorite songs by tupac i cant pick but i would always listen to unconditional love by tupac

16. Favorite movie? my favorite movie is john q hahaha id hold up a hospital for my kid shitt

17. Who would be your ideal partner? someone who is compassionate and humble. she has to at least have those two charecteristics

18. Do you want children? i want 4 kids

19. Do you want a church wedding? i dont really want to have a weeding but if my wife would want one id do it.

20. Are you religious? yes but the way im living i cannot be one to preach. 

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? i have been to the hospital because i was having horrible chest pains

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? yeah i came across a few bitch ass cops. 

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? i met carlos mencia and k-rino

24. Baths or showers? showers definitely 

25. What color socks are you wearing? black socks 

26. Have you ever been famous? never been but i wouldn’t want to be known at all i rather stay in the background haha

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? i honestly wouldn’t want to be. i cant stand having so many people looking up to me and having the world all in my business. 

28. What type of music do you like? rap, oldies, soul music, and depends on some rock songs.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? never and i will never do it lmao.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? 8 pillows

31. What position do you usually sleep in? i sleep wit a whole bunch of pillows in one corner of my bed sleeping on my back

32. How big is your house? it isnt big at all 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? i dont eat breakfast.

34. Have you ever fired a gun? i have fired a lot of guns

35. Have you ever tried archery? i am a natural at it lol i swear in high school the gym teacher wanted to put me on the team but i didnt want to commit to it.

36. Favorite clean word? would either be “interesting” or “ ridiculous “

37. Favorite swear word?i say fucc a lot but my favorite would be saying son of a bitch

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 3 or 4 days 

39. Do you have any scars? i have a scar on my shoulder where a bullet graced me and i have a scar on my left arm where i left the led from bullet shrapnel in it wit some glass because i didnt want to tweeze it out. its just some white spots on my left arm 

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? i wish ya boy never even had a valentine before

41. Are you a good liar? i could be but i would rather not lie. it saves me from havin to remember a lie.

42. Are you a good judge of character? i would say im right most of the time about a person. i told noe not to fuck with playboy luis and noe didnt listen and playboy snitched out noe and now they both locked up in garza east pen

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? i have done a british accent, i have done the Ugandan knuckles do you know the way accent, i have done cholo accent before lmao. im actually ridiculously good at the cholo accent.

44. Do you have a strong accent? some times i do but for the most part i do not.

45. What is your favorite accent? spanish accent 

46. What is your personality type? ima caring person that has a quick fuse and isnt afraid to speak what i feel about anything. oh and i like to joke around a lot.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? i own some gucci flip flops thats the most expesive clothing i ever own haha. 

48. Can you curl your tongue? i can do a taco wit my tongue

49. Are you an innie or an outie? what does this mean ? lmao. im so confused. but if this means if i like being inside than go out i would be inbetween. i go out when i want to get stuff out my mind.

50. Left or right handed? right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders? i hate them and i will kill them on sight.

52. Favorite food? chicken and potatoes i live off of them

53. Favorite foreign food? i havent expirienced curry yet and definetly not enough foreign food but i only tried chiniese and vietniese food. 

54. Are you a clean or messy person? both lmao. when im depressed i just throw stuff around but when im back to normal i be like hella clean and i like to reoganize stuff.

55. Most used phrased? “get em outta here coach” or “koooobe”

56. Most used word? “wtf” that counts as one word lol.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 30 minutes

58. Do you have much of an ego? i do not have any kind of ego and im grateful for it,

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? bite i literally bite cough drops and my homie told me you’re told thats not how you’re suppose to take them .

60. Do you talk to yourself? i actually have caught myself talking to myself a lot of times lmao.

61. Do you sing to yourself? i sing/rap a few songs

62. Are you a good singer? i am terrible at it

63. Biggest Fear? my biggest fear is not being happy 

64. Are you a gossip? i dont like gossiping at all.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? double jeopardy 

66. Do you like long or short hair? depends on how short the girl has it and how long. but for the most part i would say long.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? i can do up to like 20

68. Favorite school subject? math and science

69. Extrovert or Introvert? im an ambivert which is both extrovert and introvert. 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? no i haven't but i wish i could have when i was at florida

71. What makes you nervous? sendin a risky text lmao idk.

72. Are you scared of the dark? no but my house is haunted tho i got used to shit missing and popping up again. the previous owners were devil worshipers and had pentagram and goat blood on the walls of the ceiling 

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? no, i dont want to emberass the person if they say something dumb but if thet did something that needs to be addressed then yeah ima say something

74. Are you ticklish? kind of

75. Have you ever started a rumor? i started a lot of rumors that celeberties are dead when really i meant they career is dead lmao.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? idk what this means 

77. Have you ever drank underage? hell yeah my uncle used to pass me beer when i was 7 years old

78. Have you ever done drugs? i have done xanax, lean, and smoke weed

79. Who was your first real crush? some girl name stephanie in kindergarden haahaaha if that dont count then a girl name yahaira hahahaa i had a crush on her since 1st grade and dated her in 8th grade but i got expelled from the school and lost contact wit her.

80. How many piercings do you have? 0

81. Can you roll your Rs?“ im columbian and mexican of course haha

82. How fast can you type? apparently not fast enough ahahaha

83. How fast can you run? bfore i gained a lot of weight i could run pretty fast 

84. What color is your hair? black

85. What color is your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? im allergic to hay it gives me rashes haha. oh an tomatoes. 

87. Do you keep a journal? no but i wish i did cause it would be therapeutic 

88. What do your parents do? work

89. Do you like your age? hell no i feel way to old i miss being young.

90. What makes you angry? when someone lies

91. Do you like your own name? i honor my name lmao im named after two people

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Xavier and mia for the most part

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? i want whatever God gives me.

94. What are you strengths? i dont give up easily i am determined and i am competetive 

95. What are your weaknesses? i overthink and can be a bit negative.

96. How did you get your name? my dad named me after his brother an himself

97. Were your ancestors royalty? hell nah 

98. Do you have any scars? on my shoulder and left arm

99. Color of your bedspread?blue

100. Color of your room? blue

[allenmendezsr]

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[marvelandponder]

It’s Tin-Foil Hat Time

Happy Applejack day, y’all. Uh, well, happy belated Applejack day. I guess you could say I’m a day late and two parents short.

... I should really be more sorry than this.

But speaking of, in honour of her, I actually wanted to take a step back from AJ and talk about the ponies who matter to her most: her family.

I can understand if some of you are a little miffed on why I wouldn’t just talk about apple horse herself, but Applejack’s family is integral to who she is. Her family is everything to her, and that love only grew stronger when she lost two of the most important members when she was a teenager, some time after the events of Where the Apple Lies.

So, really, I am talking about AJ. In fact, I’m talking about the most defining moment of her life—one a number of us were disappointed not to see direct references to in either Where the Apple Lies or The Perfect Pear.

For me, The Perfect Pear is a perfect episode. Supremely satisfying and honestly almost exactly what I said I wanted to see in my last Applejack editorial (1. Give the audience time to get to know the parents so we can miss them, too, and 2. show the Apple siblings in present day learning a lesson and growing stronger as a family).

But, even I have to admit I’m still curious.

It was confirmed via Twitter that the shooting stars that appear twice in Apple Family Reunion are meant to represent Bright Mac and Buttercup. For I think most of us (that choose to accept that as word of god), that rules out the possibility that they went missing in the jungle Hey Arnold!-style and just couldn’t return. Dead as doorknobs.

The how is still fascinating, though, but after The Perfect Pear, looks like we won’t ever have a canon answer…

… unless we already do.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Canon is a strong word, and if you ask the show staff they’d laugh at the idea that there’s been secret hints to what actually happened. They can get insanely detailed with the foreshadowing and even subtlety at times, but I don’t see why they would go out of their way to sow the morbid details into a show this light-hearted. Doesn’t sound like their modus operandi.

But, based on the in-universe content we have, there is an answer that I think is more likely than the rest.

Just wanted to make that clear: we’re theorizing based on canon, not authorial intent (Quick! Somebody get Silver Quill! Death of the Author was mentioned, he’s gotta get in on this). 

We cool?

Cool. Let’s kill some sweet little ponies.

The Murder Tragic Accident Weapon

Okay, first things first, we need to rule out a few things. Because when anything is possible, we have to set some ground rules for what could and could logically happen based on what we know.

And remember, anything is theoretically possible, but we’re looking for the most likely. What makes sense given the information we already have.

Disease is out because both Buttercup and Bright Mac died. Of course hereditary diseases wouldn’t make sense for both of them, in the same way number of fatal illnesses like cancer aren’t contagious, anyway. And venereal diseases like AIDS/HIV that could kill two partners would need to be transferred via bodily fluids---and since one of them would have to get it in the first place, our very own Romeo and Juliet are probably safe from most kinds of infection (unless there was a slip-up at Ponyville General, but we don’t know of any reason why one of them would need a blood transfusion anyway).

And here’s the thing: contagious illnesses would’ve likely infected more than just Bright Mac and Buttercup. If this was a deadly plague, more residents of Ponyville would likely be gone, if not more Apples. Especially because it’s a small town, and if some deadly disease managed to reach it, it’d be looking more like 28 Pranks Later than I’m comfortable with.

Child-birth could work for Buttercup, given the timing, but that would mean Bright Mac followed purely out of grief. Given the spirit of MLP, I’m already leaning towards this option being a little too dark—even for this topic. The universe itself is an incredibly hopeful one. Whenever darkness and hard feelings pop up, they tend to either be overcome or be vanquished if it leads them down a dark path.

And speaking of, I would honestly say Bright Mac becoming a Darth Vader type villain is more fitting in the world of MLP because that’s usually what happens with intense negative emotions like depression (Nightmare Moon). Dark magic. It’s stronger in unicorns maybe because they can channel magic directly, but we’ve seen that other ponies have magic of their own. So if Bright Mac was feeling depressed to that level, it’s ironically more realistic for this universe if he became a villain. But that wouldn’t have killed him, and in fact, I imagine the love of his children and his mother would probably bring him back to the light side.

Murder is likely out as well even if it didn’t follow the same rule as the last one because Ponyville is such a small town that—especially for a double-homicide—there would have to be a motive. I just can’t see that happening.

So, *sigh* Applejack isn’t Batman. Although knowing how psychologically tormented that orphan-adopting bat billionaire is, that’s probably a good thing.

So, if natural causes, suicide, and homicide don’t entirely fit, that leads us to accidental death. That always seemed the most fitting to me. Bright Mac and Buttercup loved their family, so it’s the most in-character way for them to pass on. Against their will.

And if this was a tragic accident, we’ve got any number of options, but let’s examine a few off the top of our heads.

Option 1: Ink Rose’s old headcanon/Timber Wolves

Here’s a pretty beloved old theory! While out of date now based on the characters, Ink Rose still made a lovely story with an idea that can be salvaged even after The Perfect Pear defined who the Apple parents were, and that idea is this: Timber wolves from the Everfree forest.

I don’t like arguing against someone else’s headcanons, but for the sake of our theory, I have to say that Applejack is pretty daring with Timber Wolves for someone who lost so much to them---especially if it was a traumatic event she witnessed as a teenager. Her behaviour around them doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary when compared to the rest of the Mane 6 and Spike.

Which is why I also ruled out dangerous places like the Fire Swamp. If Applejack is as experienced with that place as she is, Granny is pretty terrible caretaker.

Again, totally possible, but I know something even simpler than Timber Wolf attack or accidental bridge collapse. Somewhere more familiar, and somehow that’s been staring us in the face this entire time.

Option 2: Barn Fire

Not impressed yet? I understand, but hear me out.

Over the course of the first few seasons, the Sweet Apple Acres barn was cartoonishly destroyed over and over again. Eaten by parasprites, demolished by Rainbow Dash, re-raised in Too Many Pinkie Pies, and of course, Raised (This Barn) again in Apple Family Reunion. A lot of razed barn imagery, basically.

It was a running joke that I don’t think most of us noticed until it started piling up. Sweet Apple Acres gets destroyed a lot. Sometimes by ridiculous means, but always somehow destroyed.

With that in mind, I’d like to take into consideration this scene from On Your Marks.

A nonsensical dream, yes, but as we know from the episode itself, these dreams are based on Applebloom’s subconscious fears. So… answer me this. Why is losing the barn so terrifying if she’s lost it and helped raise it multiple times? Applebloom’s seen it be destroyed in real life with less of a reaction.

Honestly, I would think this would be more terrifying (and could be accomplished by the kinds of pests a pest-pony would have to fight):

They can always raise a new barn, but if something happens to the crops, that can be devastating for a farmer.

I think it has something to do with the way it was destroyed. Electrocuted to a crisp. Burnt.

It’s also fun to note Mayor Mare specifically tells Applebloom she needs to get her family out of town—of course, everyone’s running out of town in this dream, but still. Evacuation is far preferred over staying to try to help, even by Applejack, who Applebloom sees as a hero according to Brotherhooves Social.

Now that’s not a whole lot to go off of on its own—a barn that has a habit of being destroyed, a subconscious fear of it burning down. That can be explained away.

What’s a little more telling is the missing Pear barn that we know for a fact used to be right beside Sweet Apple Acres.

Goldie Delicious says there “used to be” another farm in Ponyville, but the trees are still there, for sure. The barn, however, which we haven’t seen—the thing that would make it a farm (even an abandoned one)—isn’t. Otherwise, the Apple siblings would’ve been able to see it and ask more questions about this mysterious abandoned barn. Applebloom in particular probably would’ve known about the feud with the Pears years ago, if nothing else.

So, if the Pear farm is gone (or was; Grand Pear lives in Ponyville… somewhere. You’d think he’d go back to where his farm used to be, so maybe they’ve since raised him a new one), that means something happened to it.

In fact, it’s possible something happened to both of them, given the bad luck Sweet Apple Acres has. Sweet Apple Acres would be rebuilt, but the Pear barn wouldn’t.

But the reason this answer is so compelling is that it makes sense. It would've been a total accident---no intent to kill or be killed---and explains how both of them could've died without dooming their children or Granny Smith.

Fires take a while to truly get going, but once they do it's instantaneous how fast they spread. Within a matter of seconds. Either of these barns might've been the culprit, here, or both. Both could be deadly for both parents without necessarily killing the rest of the Apple family.

Especially if one of them was trapped inside, and the other went back in after the kids and Granny were out.

Both Buttercup and Bright Mac are the noble type. Buttercup helped Chiffon Swirl pretty tirelessly build up her baking business and would choose Bright Mac over her own father, and Bright Mac's willing to take responsibility for even small accidents like an overturned water silo. He also seems willing to defend Pear Butter pretty instantly when they hear someone (Mrs. Cake/Chiffon Swirl) in the bushes, which tells me he's the kind to act first and ask questions later, especially if it's for someone he cares about. 

I think this death is in-character.

And frankly, makes Applejack's heroics a lot more scary for the family. "Applejack is the hero of the family now," according to Big Mac in Brotherhooves Social, but she wasn't always. It explains where AJ might've inherited that sense of duty when a call to action arises. It's in her nature to try to help---whether that's saving the world from evil, or herding a stampede away from town.

Hell, as early as episode 3, Applejack's being awarded for her daily hero work---and that shirt-off-your-back set of values is certainly something she would've learned from someone, but the hero mode, how she responds in emergency situations, that likely came from her parents based on what we know about them.

So, I think that’s my answer. Barn fire, either the Sweet Apple Acres barn itself, which already has a habit of being destroyed, or the suspiciously missing Pear farm. Both being on fire is... honestly a stretch, since the trees between the Apple farm and Pear farm are still intact (and while forests do grow back within 7-10 years of forest fires, what grows back won’t necessarily resemble what was lost---especially the intertwining trees planted by Buttercup and Bright Mac).

But I think you could make an in-character story from there with that information. You could guess that if there was a fire at the old Pear barn, Buttercup might be the one getting trapped (or, perhaps even going back in to save something near to her heart; which is an extra layer of tragic knowing that she would still risk a lot for her father even when they were apart).

If it’s the Sweet Apple Acres barn, Bright Mac could just as easily have been the one being trapped after saving the kids and/or Granny.

But in both scenarios, as dark as it is, I think this is how MLP would do the Romeo and Juliet story’s ending. The point of the original play was that the two young lovers, who quite frankly didn’t even know what love really was, were so overly passionate about these new feelings that it lead to their demise.

But, Bright Mac and Buttercup aren’t like that. Their love, while passionate and in the beginning inexperienced, doesn’t blind them to reality---and it’s in fact the older generation doing the feuding that has to learn a lesson in the end.

And as time goes on, and their bond strengthens, their love can only deepen. They run a farm together. They end up having three kids. They build a family stronger than any that came before.

What kills them isn’t being in love with the idea of being in love. It’s a real, self-sacrificing love that stood the test of time. In a show about the power of friendship and by some extension different kinds of love, I would think that’s the most fitting way to go.

But, hey, maybe that’s just me. The cool thing about not knowing is that we all still get to make our own theories, and still have a hand in creating the story that we’ve been dying to see for seven seasons. The mystery of who Buttercup and Bright Mac were may be over, and their time with their family done, but their love certainly lives on.

In all of their kids, really, but I think especially in Applejack, who embodies that love of family to heroic degrees. Here’s to you, AJ. They live on through you.

More MLP stuff coming at ya! I do editorials like this and occasionally episode reviews. Check out the last three things I’ve done down here:

Hascon Coverage, Sunset Shimmer, and Pinkie Pie editorials

Year of the Pony

Header Image Wouldn’t be Possible Without:

Bright Mac and Buttercup by Jhayarr23

Jhayarr23 has tons of vectors for all your vector needs! Go give some love and browse Jhayarr23′s gallery!

Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth The minor fall and the major lift The baffled king composing Hallelujah

[cliche-ish]

We made it halfway

Context: What is written here happened in the beginning of July 2020. Yes we are halfway through 2020. Guess what else happened in 2020? COVID-19 and Trump... What a time to be alive! 🙃 A week ago Trump signed an order to suspend all H1B (working) visa processing until at least the end of the year. I have two friends from high school (let’s give them fake names, April and Ann, because Parks and Rec) who are working in Pittsburgh and Boston and applying for their H1B (working) visa this year. We went to high school in Vietnam together, and all went to the US at different schools for college. I was wondering if the order was going to affect them, so I sent them a few messages on Facebook to check how they were handling this. The previous time I sent them a message to them were probably at least 1-2 years ago. They both replied and said the visa suspension did not really affect them. We all caught up with one another through messaging and decided to set up a video call on the night of July 4th (because what else was there to do this year 😅).

Saturday, July 4th, 2020 

You know how sometimes it takes a global pandemic to finally have time to catch up with your high school best friends who also live in the US but you never really had the chance to meet in person. 😅 The last time our group of friends did a video call was in 2013 or 2014. There we were again 6 years later, and we just hit if off instantly and talked non-stop for 4 hours. It was like those 6 years never existed and we were just together the day before. We talked so much our throats hurt haha. 

We talked about everything. Of course we talked about people we went to school with and how/where they are now. Most of the friends went study abroad like us. Some of them came back to Vietnam. Some of them already got married. Then we talked about how rare it was that all of us were single at the same time and looked into planning a girls’ trip haha. We talked about relationship stuff, like what we want in a partner or a relationship or whether we want to get married or have kids. We talked about the people we dated and what we have learned from our previous relationships. We talked about how our American dreams as well as our perceptions about life in the US had shifted and changed and what we wanted as the purpose of our life. Like real serious adults talk haha.  

Ann then brought up about someone from our school who went to Georgia Tech for college and committed suicide last year and how that how we all had some periods of time when we felt so lost and depressed. At that point Ann was very depressed and felt like her life was so meaningless. She said that suicide news was the wake-up call for her. So she asked her boss to give her a month off, and headed back to Vietnam and saw her family earlier this year in February (when COVID-19 was mustering and looming). When she came back to the US, she felt better and started looking for a new job. She landed one with Microsoft. (Yes girl!!) She told us the same stories of a few of our friends from middle school and high school who also had some periods where they felt so lost and depressed during their time living far away from family and friends in a new country and culture. April told us about her “sad period” and how becoming religious helped her find a way out. I talked about the time I lost my Grandma and how I sought out to therapy. (I promise to myself that I’ll normalize talking about mental health issues and therapy from now on, because not talking about them inevitably keeps them a taboo, when they are not.) We all coped differently. Luckily, we all actively found our ways to recover and felt better and was living our lives in the US when we had this conversation. But this path of being an international student that we chose is not always easy and not for everyone. Perhaps it could have helped if we’d known about each other’s difficult experience and shared with our friends who were also going through similar hardship. If there are any people that can understand, it’s them. So my friends and I, we made a pact that whenever one of us feels down and goes through any emotional or mental challenges ever again, we will let the others know.

The clock hit 1:45 am, and I suggested we call if a day. Ann, being Ann, asked if we could take a photo together and posted on Facebook, so we would be reminded years from now about this reunion. So I offered to take the photo, took it, sent it to them right away, and asked if the picture was okay. Ann said it looked good. She made a silly, cute pose with both her hands in a peace sign held high next to her face. April was like, “Yeah, it’s okay! Actually, hehe, can we take it again? I don’t look so good.” And I said, “Of course!”. April replied, “Yayyy hihi, thanks!” or something like that. I took it again, and this time everyone was happy. Then Ann made a comment, “Wow this is just like high school. April is still the awkward, shy baby, and [Me] is still the caring mom of the group.” And Ann is still the silly, hilarious one (you can tell based on her pose). It was just funny and interesting to see how we had changed and matured so much in the past years, and yet we were still the same people in high school. 

Plot twist - Monday, July 7th, 2020

Like any day this year now, something shocking just happened today. While I can imagine Ann and April got quite some messages asking if the new order affected their working visa, 3 days later, it was my turn. This evening, a federal order was issued, saying that all students who attend schools decide to conduct 100% online classes in the Fall due to COVID-19 are mandated to leave the US or risk getting deported. I am currently on a student visa, which is affected by this order. My phone was flooded with messages from friends checking on me. Oh how the table has turned LOL.

This order came out right after Harvard announced they were doing entirely virtual classes for the Fall. The government wanted schools to stay open despite the pandemic ravaging the whole country and was afraid schools would follow Harvard’s move. Harvard, you freaked out the government, and played us all. But you sued the gov for this order, so we forgive you. 😂 When this order was released tonight, all hell broke loose for the international student community on social media. I can imagine the administration of all universities in the country are feeling the same shock, confusion, and dread.

My first reaction when I saw this was ironically to laugh. I just laughed. I have been laughing a lot lately at some of all the ridiculous things the President said or some of the bad news coming my way. Remember that time when he said he had been taking hydroxycloroquine for preventing COVID-19. Or when he suggested injecting disinfectants to kill the virus. And we also saw how that statement turned the whole country upside down. The White House, CDC, and all disinfectant companies was racing to issue statement against his advice and deal with the consequences that night and the next morning. I mean I must admit there was a little part of that that was funny, right? All of that can be great materials for a new episode on VEEP lol. So yeah, I laughed. Ironic laughs, but laughs nonetheless. I don’t know why I laughed. Maybe those things I heard were to absurd and ridiculous. Maybe I’ve gone crazy during this strange time. Maybe this is the new resort that my newly updated brain automatically seeks out to when I hear news like this. Aaah what a time to be alive! 😂 (If my life has an emoji, it is definitely this laugh cry emoji. 😂)

I told my friends I don’t know how this was going to play out for my case, but at this point, I honestly just feel fine. It’s not that I don’t care. I just feel fine. I’ve worked hard and tried my best to do all that I can to maximize my chance of getting a job here in the US and fulfill my goals and dreams. Anything else is out of my control. So whatever comes my way, I will cope with it and figure it up. I feel like at this point I have been through enough to know I can deal with anything and everything will be alright. Knowing who and how I am as a person now, I just know I will survive and thrive anywhere life takes me. 😁 So yeah, I laughed and I feel fine. I’d not be surprised if tomorrow I wake up to another one like this. I mean it’s 2020. Why not? 😂

And it truly feels fine. Probably because I know no matter what happens there is always hope and wonderful people in my life and in this world standing with me on my side. 😊

Update on Thursday, July 9th, 2020, 3 days after the issuance of the above order.

My university has been sending out emails every day to assure us international students that the university disagrees with the order and is doing everything they can to protect its international students and create a safe and viable environment for us to continue pursuing our education here in the US. My friends from all over the country reached out and checked on me to see if I would be affected by this order. Many of my American friends and colleagues have been speaking out and taking actions against this order. It’s not their fight, yet they chose to participate anyway and stand by the side of us international students. The amount of support that I have seen and received has been tremendous, and I am beyond grateful. My heart is so full.  

All of this is truly a reminder for me to just care about others and choose to fight those battles not for me but for others. This is a fight against us international students, yet we are joined by people who are not affected by this incident at all. I want to remember how empowered and supported this has made me feel during the past few days by recording it here. There are a lot going on right now in the world and this country. A lot of different people are under attack, like Black people and the LGBTQ+ community. I am not one of them. I am not under those attacks. But when I am under one, people who are not affected choose to fight for and with me, because it is the right thing to do. And so I want to choose to fight those battles that are not mine and stand with others when it is the right thing to do.

[veganvenom]

Tagged by @spacestationtrustfund

Rules: answer these 85 statements & tag 20 people

the last:

1. drink: Tea. Always tea, although I was sensible tonight and made it decaf because I’m about to go to bed.

2. phone call: To my landlord, trying to sort out my water being shut off. It’s fixed now.

3. text message: If we’re counting by messenging apps in general then the last person I texted was my qpp Ollie about their art. If by sms specifically, then my husband telling him how cute he is.

4. song: Ying Li by Voodoo Kungfu.

5. time you cried: About a week ago, because I was having a bad day and was worried I’d messed up my relationships by being me.

have you ever:

6. dated someone twice: Yes. My asshole ex, who kept guilting me back. Don’t do it - if you broke up once already you are probably not going to work together.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: Only asshole ex actually. Everyone else I’m happy I kissed.

8. been cheated on: Did I mention my ex was an asshole yet?

9. lost someone special: Yes.

10. been depressed: On this stretch it’s been about a year so far.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Many many times. Less often now I’m older - my body generally gets tired too quickly to get that drunk any more.

favorite colors:

12. Purple. Specifically a darkish, bluish kind of purple.

13. Green. Forest green I guess?

14. Black I suppose, which is most of my clothes.

15. Red, for its revolutionary significance.

16. Blue because I’m running out of colours that I don’t dislike.

in the last year have you:

17. laughed until you cried: Yes. I have very funny friends, and both my partners love a good (terrible!) pun.

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes. Generally it’s been good.

19. met someone who changed you: Lots of wonderful friends! And especially one person <3

20. found out who your friends are: Yeah definitely. Though I don’t blame those who haven’t kept in touch now that I’m less fun and don’t have the spoons to chat much/often.

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: 5 or so I think.

22. made friends: So many lovely friends, probably including you if you’re reading this!

23. fallen out of love: Not this year thankfully, but I have done the opposite :)

general:

25. what did you do for your last birthday: Well that’s not so happy! I woke up to multiple tumblr hate messages from fashy blogs (not because it was my birthday - they just happened to coincide). Cried quite a bit because I didn’t understand why I was so upset (yes this is ridiculously circular!). Then had a handful of friends over for about two hours in the evening for a couple of quiet beers, but I was too sad to be social.

26. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them, maybe apart from one or two who I’ve added because we share multiple common interests.

27. do you have any pets: No, but I’d like to be able to adopt animals when I have more space.

28. what time did you wake up: This morning, it was about 7:45 I think. Though I was still too physically tired to get up until about midday.

29. what were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping! My meds have been good for helping me do that early most nights.

30. name something you can’t wait for: Being healthy enough that I can go back to and be enthused by my research.

31: what are you listening to right now: Ocean Land by Orphaned Land

32: have you ever talked to a person named tom: That is a very common name here, so of course.

33: something that’s getting on your nerves: Liberals saying that punching n*zis makes you just as bad as them.

34. do you want to change your name: In practice I changed it about 3 years ago, but I do intend to do it legally in the next year or so. The bureaucracy would be too much effort right now.

35. hair color: Purple, but faded so that it has bluish and greyish streaks.

36. long or short hair: Short hair definitely. Once I’ve been on T for a while I might consider growing it long again, but not before. I love it short.

37. piercings: Three in my upper ear.

38. tattoos: Not yet. I have a wishlist but negative money and social anxiety.

39. blood type: The most useless one.

40. nicknames: Don’t think I’ve had any in a while.

41. relationship status: Married to my cute nerdy husband and in a queerplatonic relationship with my cute nerdy best friend.

42. zodiac: I can’t remember.

43. pronouns: They/them. I’m so lucky to have surrounded myself mostly with friends who at least try to use these.

44. most visited website: Tumblr! Which is better than last year when it was either Facebook or The Guardian which both made me angry on a regular basis.

45. right or left handed: Right-handed.

46. surgeries: Only a couple of minor ones, both on my face though they didn’t manage to make it look good lol

47. sports: Kickboxing, though I’m no good at it.

48. favorite tv show: Black Sails. For goodness’ sake, watch it if you haven’t!

49. vacations: The week in the Highlands I spent with my husband.

50. sneakers: I do have a pair of trainers yes. They are cheap and vegan.

more general:

52. eating: Luckily I’m ok with food atm. Don’t have many stipulations other than it should be vegan and affordable. Hot helps too.

53. fave drink: Tea, duh.

54. what you’re up to: Trying to rest.

55. waiting for: My brain to get well enough to work again.

56. want: Motivation, energy, an international anarcho-socialist post-scarcity world

57. get married: Eloped and got married in a forest by an officiant who didn’t misgender me. Loved it.

58. career: No longer in academia, that’s for sure.

which is better:

60. hugs or kisses: I love hugs. I like kisses from my partners, but bises freak me the hell out I’m too working class British for that kind of thing!

61. lips or eyes: Eyes.

62. shorter or taller: I guess I would like to be a tiny bit taller, but I’m about average height for a human adult and that’s fine with me.

63. older or younger: I guess I was happier a year ago, but I wouldn’t give up the friends I have now, so I like this age.

64. nice arms or stomach: I don’t really know how to answer this. I guess equal?

65. hook up or relationship: Relationships.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant, but I do so want to cause trouble.

have you ever:

67. kissed a stranger: I don’t think I have actually.

68. drank hard liquor: Too much.

69. lost glasses/contacts: I lose my glasses often, but have always found them.

70. turned someone down: Echoing Mochi with the having met straight men before...

71. sex on the first date: Yes, but I prefer sex and then deciding to date while in bed afterwards.

72. broken someone’s heart: Yes, but I’m not sorry.

73. had your heart broken: Yes, but it’s stronger now for it.

74. been arrested: Actually no, not yet! Cautions only. This just tells me I’m not doing enough tbh.

75. cried when someone died: Yes.

76. fallen for a friend: SO many times. And apart from the straight ones they’ve been good choices.

do you believe in:

77. yourself: Not generally. I do the best I’m capable of and if I fuck it up that’s about what I expected, and if I don’t then that’s great.

78. miracles: No.

79. love at first sight: No. That’s not what love is.

80. santa claus: No, and I don’t have memories from when I was young enough to have believed.

81. kiss on the first date: Yeah. Though none of my relationships have ever really followed the ask-on-date, go-on-date, go-on-second-date, etc. model.

82. angels: No.

other:

83. current best friend’s name(s): Ollie

84. eye color: Green.

85. favorite movie: The Legend of Fong Sai Yuk.

Tagging @eldritchsqurriel, @buildarocketboys, @amiedelabaisse, @wanttodrawmothsfrommemory, @synchronysymphony, @prettypettypansexual, @scouse-jesus-vikingson, @everyoneinspaceisgay, @thequeerkingdom, @acemummerz, @c3rn, @attercop-attercop, @do-a-saving-roll, @iamamathmagician, @willowveild, @jackaalope, @blooming-rivers, @luthienlight, @deprofundisresurgam, @jehnt. Feel free to ignore your tag - it was hard to get to 20.

[shinee35]

Thank you @sopeshighnotes​ for tagging me in the selfie+bias tag (yes, I’m ot7 biased. yes, it’s hard otl) and the statements thing... this is so ridiculously late I’m so sorry ><

Tagging @mirrerover, @vppax, @hexmen, @ksjknj (you can do 1, both or neither if you don’t want to).

“Answer these statements” game below:

(i’m putting these under a cut cause its long af)

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. (lol this is not happening i don’t think i even know 20 people on this site) THE LAST: 1. Drink: apple juice, cranberry juice, water, tea (not together that’s gross. it was thanksgiving dinner and i was thirsty) 2. Phone call: uncle, calling cause we were ~2 hrs late to above mentioned thanksgiving dinner (we still weren’t the last ones to arrive so... :P) 3. Text message: cousins group chat 4. Song you listened to: BTS’ DNA 5. Time you cried: 5 days?ago?...? (when i finally watched the k-drama Goblin) HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: nope (haven’t dated someone once either) 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: no (have been kissed by someone and regretted it tho... on the cheek but still. it was gross and not consensual ew) 8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: yes...? (like loss of a loved one or...?) 10. Been depressed: yes (for 7 years. for the past 3 years it’s just been anxiety though, yay!) 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: gotten drunk yes, thrown up because of alcohol no LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. blue 13. red 14. black, white, orange (last one is only because i’m a shinhwa changjo) IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes 16. Fallen out of love: no 17. Laughed until you cried: yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: no 19. Met someone who changed you: no 20. Found out who your friends are: is this like a “went-through-something-and-based-on-who-was-there-to-support-you-during-said-time-found-out-who-your-real-friends-are” type of question? if yes then no. i’ve been very fortunate when it comes to making friends they’re all great 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 95% -ish 23. Do you have any pets: no 24. Do you want to change your name: no 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I worked  26. What time did you wake up: 9am 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: streaming BTS’ DNA mv 28. Name something you can’t wait for: de*th 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: today

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: nothing in particular. i try to live without regrets

31. What are you listening to right now: BTS’ DNA 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i think so...? it’s a pretty common name 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: me 34. Most visited website: youtube/tumblr LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: a lot 36. Mark/s: elevated scar on my knee and ankle, thin scar running vertically from the lateral end of an eyebrow to the side of my eye, small scar on the inner corner of my lip and below my lip towards the side (not really visible) 37. Childhood dream: to make others happy 38. Hair color: brown/black. it lightens in the summer 39. Long or short hair: i like both. currently medium length 40. Do you have a crush on someone: no i wish 41. What do you like about yourself: nothing 42. Piercings: 2 (one in each ear lobe) 43. Blood type: A 44. Nickname: Probee, D, lenerz 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: cancer 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV show: atm... Guardian and Sense8 (does netflix count?) 49. Tattoos: no 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: dental; for wisdom teeth removal 52. Hair dyed in different colors: would be cool but i’ve never dyed my hair cause it’d probably irritate my scalp psoriasis  53. Sport: basketball 54. There’s no question here so fun fact: my older cousin first got me into k-pop with Shinhwa back in the early 2000s. When they went on hiatus for military service SHINee debuted and saved me from withdrawal. BTS is the 3rd group that I have ever really gotten into and probably the last cause they’re so active it makes keeping up with all 3 groups really difficult TT 55. Vacation: Korea and Japan for the food 56. Pair of trainers: any comfortable ones that fit my feet 57. Eating: 24/7 58. Drinking: water 59. I’m about to: go to sleep 60. No question here either so another fun fact: I was a doctor-in-training for 2 years and flunked out of medical school after failing a course by 0.03% 61. Waiting for: what i can’t wait for 62. Want: to learn how to love myself (hopefully this will happen soon with BTS’ Love Yourself album series) 63. Get married: sometimes its like yes right now right at this instant to get my family off my back and other times its like  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 64. Career: currently studying respiratory therapy to become a respiratory therapist. yay breathing. its kind of important i guess. just a little

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: hugs 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 68. Older or younger:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 69. No question here:  ok 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice healthy stomach for all of the food i eat (wait are these questions about our own attributes or traits we’d like in an ideal partner cause i’ve been answering based on myself lol) 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant:  hesitant HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquour: yes 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes 77. Turned someone down: i turn my friends and family down all the time when they try to get me to leave the house 78. Sex on the first date: No 79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of? 80. Had your heart broken: no...? 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: no but ideally i’d like to DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: no 85. Miracles: yes 86. Love at first sight: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 87. Santa Claus: no 88. Kiss on the first date: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯   89. Angels: yes OTHER: 90. Current best friend’s name: many good friends but i wouldn’t be able to single one out as a “best” friend 91. Eyecolor: Brown 92. Favorite movie: all the marvel movies, miracle in cell no.7, 200 pound beauty

[fitnesshealthyoga-blog]

New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/the-benefits-of-mantra-meditation/

The Benefits of Mantra Meditation

Want to know the benefits of mantra meditation? Here is what happened when one writer tried mantra meditation during the hardest month of her life.

If someone would’ve told me back in December that the first month of 2019 would be the hardest of my life, I probably would’ve thought twice before signing up for Yoga Journal’s 30-day meditation challenge. Because let’s be honest: Meditation is the exact opposite of running away from your problems. Instead, it inspires you to sit your butt down right in the middle of those problems and face your resulting emotions head on.

In January, all I wanted to do was run away from my ongoing relationship problems, self smack-talk, and most significantly, the immense sadness from the death of my beloved aunt.

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See also YJ Tried It: 30 Days of Guided Sleep Meditation

Yet even though there were many days that stared at my cushion with pure, unadulterated resentment, or put off my practice until the end of the day, I can honestly say that the practice completely transformed how I handled some of the most challenging times I’ve ever faced. It not only gave me the space to confront my feelings, but it also helped me learn how to take care of myself along the way.

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Thanks for watching!Visit Website

Introducing Myself to Mantra Meditation

I’ve been consistently meditating for a little over a year now, practicing everything from guided 10-minute meditations on the Calm app to classes at MNDFL meditation studio in New York City. However, I would say my relationship with meditation didn’t become a real commitment until I got a meditation cushion for my apartment about five months ago. It’s dramatically changed my practice, which used to happen in my bed. (You can imagine how that went on the days I was tired.)

Even though I had heard positive things about mantra meditation—a practice where you silently repeat a mantra, which you either choose for yourself or is given to you during an initiation—I was pretty intimidated by it. However, when I spoke with Alan Finger, meditation teacher and author of Tantra of the Yoga Sutras: Essential Wisdom for Living with Awareness and Grace, he told me that mantra, just like asana or pranayama, is simply a tool used to alter the consciousness. “When practicing with a mantra, it’s important to say the mantra aloud first, so that you can feel the sound vibrations in the body,” he told me.

See also Tempted to Skip Savasana? 10 Top Yoga Teachers Explain Why It’s the Most Important Pose

As a somewhat experienced meditator, mantra meditation was still very new to me. I didn’t really have a plan to choose a mantra, but after practicing alongside Hilary Jackendoff in a guided meditation video, she helped me discover “So Hum,” which means “I am that.” Finger mentioned that different mantras can be used for different feelings, such as sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, and more, but this mantra felt pretty versatile, so I stuck with it.

Jackendoff taught us to meditate with the mantra, using the breath. On every inhalation, I would silently say the word “So.” On every exhalation, I would silently say the word “Hum.” I’m used to meditating with my breath, so this seemed doable.

Week 1: When Sh!t Hits the Fan, It’s Time to Sit

Disclaimer: I didn’t meditate at all the first two days of January. I also didn’t work out or eat healthy (some of the habits I stick with regularly). I was feeling really down on myself, because January is supposed to be a time to start new habits, eat clean, and get fit—and I felt like I blew it already. It sounds ridiculous, but that is my thought process sometimes. When my good habits don’t happen, I tend to beat myself up.

Then, as I was working at my laptop on the third day of January, I had a thought and told myself: You can sit here, work, and feel miserable—or you can take a 20-minute break, step away from your laptop, and meditate.

See also Get Your Sit Together: 7 Best Meditation Cushions to Support Your Practice

It took everything in me to walk upstairs and grab my cushion, but I was desperate to feel better, so that’s exactly what I did.

Week 2: When “I am that” becomes “I am love”

After my first week of mantra meditation, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Suddenly, my goals for the new year weren’t tied to perfecting myself through diet and exercise, but instead, doing something every day that made me feel loved—and meditation became that thing. I switched my mantra. Instead of silently repeating So Hum, I started repeating “I am” on every inhalation and “love” on every exhalation. I found myself looking forward to making a cup of tea, plopping down on my cushion, and sitting for 20 to 30 minutes every day.

Having a week of solid practice under my belt really helped me for what was to come. Because my theme for 2019 is self-love, I became hyper aware of my relationships—with myself and with others. My boyfriend and I got into an argument in the beginning of the month and I wasn’t able to let it go. Every time we tried to talk about it, we couldn’t come to a fair conclusion.

See also 5 Poses to Help You Reconnect With Your Partner After a Miscommunication

During the second week of my meditation, the lingering argument kept coming up in my meditation. I would sit on the cushion, silently repeat my mantra, and cry. How could I practice “I am love” if I didn’t feel loved? How could I love him if I kept beating myself up?

So, what did I do? I continued to sit, to cry, and to come back to my breath. Giving myself that space during meditation allowed me to tap into what I was really feeling. It also gave me the space to go to my boyfriend later that week with a calm heart. Instead of arguing, we were able to have a productive conversation. I truly believe that if I didn’t give myself that space, we would still be arguing today about the same thing.

Bee and her Aunt Gigi in 2011.

Weeks 3 and 4: Sitting with Sadness

For the past eight months, my beloved aunt had been living with metastatic breast cancer—the terminal kind. On January 21, she passed away.

A few days before her death, I my mom called me to let me know it was time to come home. I took a bus from New York City to Maryland on the morning of January 21 and repeated my mantra for about 25 minutes. An hour into my journey, my brother texted me to tell me that my aunt had passed away.

See also Spiritual Leader Ram Dass on Zen and the Art of Dying

In the days following my aunt’s death, I felt so much hurt I didn’t even realize was possible. Every time I came to my meditation cushion, I would cry, breathe, and simply sit in a feeling of numbness. The cushion gave me space—to feel sad, to mourn, to feel angry, and sometimes, to do nothing. Every time I came back to my mantra—“I am love”—I remembered that my aunt wouldn’t want me to live in grief and sadness. It was inevitable to feel these emotions, sure. But I realized the only way these feelings would pass is if I really felt them.

The difference I noticed thanks to my new mantra meditation practice happened when I wasn’t on my cushion. Every single day after my aunt passed, I would ask myself how I could bring a little more love into my day. Some days that meant resting and watching movies with my mom. Other days that meant working out, going for a long walk, or spending time with friends.

Moving Forward with Mantra

Now that it’s February, I still hold my mantra in my heart. I still ask myself every day, “How can you bring more love into your day?” or “What will make you feel more loved?” I think I will continue to keep my mantra in my practice until something else seems like a better fit. Just as Finger told me, there’s a mantra for everything—and I look forward to discovering more mantras as my life’s journey, and all its ups and downs, unfolds.

See also Why Does Meditation Make You Feel So Rested?

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