#its one of those moments that idk if am overreacting or if me being hurt and annoyed by that is even valid lol

[atsu-i]

.

[djemsostylist]

Just finished 19--thoughts below.  Spoilers, obvs

So I...didn’t really like it all that much?  I mean, its SCK so I did, but idk.  Like, look, maybe its because it’s been almost 5 episodes of them broken up and I’m just kind of over it, or maybe it was the anticipation of what I knew the ending was going to be, but this episode dragged for me, and tbh, I wasn’t all that fond of some of the character, editing, and scene choices they made?

I’ll start with Selin because she’s the easiest one for me.  I really do not understand where they are going with her character.  I know I’ve said it before, but like...she had a conversation with Serkan.  A completely honest, everything out there, nothing holding back talk.  She admitted that he had been the most important person in her life for far too long, he admitted that he had never loved her like that, she acknowledged his love and relationship with Eda--like, their conversation was crystal clear.  He’s in love with Eda, he had never been in love with her, she was too invested in something that wasn’t even real, she felt freed by the knowledge.  Even her conversation with Eda in 14--she acknowledges Eda and Serkan and that it is a good thing for both of them, admits to having been in love with an idea of him and needing to move on.  I’m not saying her getting over him is going to be immediate, and I honestly didn’t even mind the pictures not being cut up--I always assumed they got together as like, teens basically, so she’s probably been in love with him for like, half her life at this point.  I sort of figured her arc was going to be learning how to be a person without a boyfriend.  Like, Selin makes an interesting parallel to Eda in that Selin seems like one of those people who has never not been in a relationship--she needs that level of validation constantly.  Whereas Eda doesn’t need a relationship to define her.  So watching Eda navigate how to be in a relationship while still being true to herself and watching Selin learn how to be herself without one would have been interesting.  I really, really don’t get why, literally 7 episodes later, we have to watch Selin have a fit because Serkan isn’t in love with her and wants Eda.  Like, girl, you been knew.  It honestly feels like negative character growth, both for her, and honestly for Eda.  

Eda this episode kind of, not irritated bc I always love her, but I was a little like GIRL.  That has NEVER happened before.  But this episode, I didn’t really get her.  Like, look, I’m not saying she owes Serkan anything.  Like, at all.  He hurt her, he broke her heart, and tbh he’s been so damn weird lately, I can see her being tired.  But she’s also known that there was something off for a while, she’s been asking him to talk to her and tell her the truth, and then she and Aydan have that whole talk that I honestly thought was really great.  It kind of made things really clear.  Serkan has mega trust issues from the way his parents acted in the past, something huge got dropped on him and he didn’t know how to handle it, and also he’s still in love with her.  She hears all that, plus him insisting he wants/needs to talk her, but then spends the whole episode ignoring him?  I did like the moment in the house with Melo where you can kind of see her realize she went too far (”What if he said “I miss you” and I didn’t hear it?”--um, yeah, he said way more than that), but then she freaks out the next morning over really nothing.  He was super clear when she woke up--”I shouldn’t have called you drunk, I’m sorry about that, it wasn’t the way to go about talking about this super important thing.  I remember what I said and I don’t regret it, but I am sorry for calling you sloppy drunk.”  Like, that’s pretty clear what he means, and she goes from zero to throwing shit on the ground because he was sorry he called her but not sorry Selin was there?  Girl, he literally called a damn cab to come get Selin’s ass out of his house, like.  Idk, I know Eda is impulsive and doesn’t always think, this is a thing with her.  But this episode it felt a little bit forced, only so that we could wait until the very end and have Selin drop the bomb.  

And that bomb gets dropped...because Leyla puts together some info in a folder with a news article with Ayfer’s face that Melo gives to Selin that Selin reads?  Dizi logic, I know, I just *arg* 

Look, I’ll probably sleep on it and wake up and be like, “lol, overreaction much” but idk.  I mean, there were parts I LOVED (finding out Efe is for sure working with Grandma, everything to do with Melo and the girls and Aydan, Engin being Engin, Serkan saying “I love you and I miss you”, THE HAND HOLD ON THE STAIRS??????, the shower scene (even though it was .2 seconds and through the worlds foggiest glass--which I KNOW censuring but tbh all I wanted was 5 min of slowmo forehead touches okay) 

Anyway, that’s my “I just finished and I’m salty I just want them back together and in love again already” take on this episode 

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ upd8 2020-01-17

Alright, morningblogging yesterday’s 2020-01-17 upd8 to Homestuck^2 let’s go!  Spoiler-free again.  I kinda don’t want even the next chapter names image-spoiled above the cut anymore so I’m going to have to figure out WHAT to put above the cut in these liveblog posts for visual reinforcement... a unique silly icon?  Going back once I’m done with the upd8 and posting something non-spoilery but weird-looking out of context?

Eh, can’t be assed.  Just know that after this I’m going to pony up for the Patreon commentary and skim it for anything plot-useful to y’all (in a separate post).  Let’s get started.

Okay, what’s next:  Any bonuses?  Oh, none!  Phew.  Unless those are coming faster too and just staggered differently, which would mean I gotta overcome my irrational pre-Homestuck-reading anxiety even MORE often.  :T

No Homestuck you don’t GET to ask how my-- ah, right.  :P

(FYI, HS^2 has been good to my emotions so far, quite a balm for the epilogues, so once I START reading I’m usually fine; but after being hurt so badly how could I possibly convince my lizard brain to trust it until it’s right in front of me?  Seriously, just hearing that the upd8 has landed messes me up a bit until I come fix it by reading w/ y’all here.)

Okay, so whose feelings?  As much as I’ve been waiting for Jade, I hope this isn’t about Jade.

> ==>

Ah fuck, we’re finally with the Pursuit Crew.  Bracing myself.  That means we get to see probably sleeping Jade ( :C ), full-swing DaveKat (approving nod), the first canon onscreen look at masculine-mode Roxy (<3), a probably pretty pissed off Kanaya (possibly either the feelings target, the one Saying How Are Your Feelings, or both), and uh... did they drag Callie along?  Or leave her back there with her meta freakout?  Probably left her back there, but... hm.

Let me turn up the brightness on this screen to sear these next pages into my retinas.  (Also, it feels odd to still be using a four-person “==>” for these, although if Jade is still asleep the numbers might fit on both ends... :c )

> ==>

I don’t think Dad is in the spacefaring business, so this is probably one of Jake’s shittier spaceship designs.

> ==>

...well that’s a touch disturbing.  Is that a Jade-occupied bed or are those just pillows?

Oh what the fresh fanfic’y heck is this command.

> i enter.

Okay that’s great.  I got a kick out of that.

JADE [in calliope red]: the prince’s power grows.

--but that’s not.  That explains the narrative command text, it’s alt!callie talking through a still conked-out Jade.  Please let her wake up between speak-throughs, please tell me you’ve learned that trick??  I already know you’re gonna pull an “oh she was asleep pretty much all of those THREE YEARS OF TRAVEL” thing on me and that’s hard fucking enough to deal with.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!

He’s actually using the full curse correctly, huh?

...These commands.  Guess part of the puzzle is how much alt!Callie is being typically morbid and how much she might actually be wising up enough to get a kick out of this.

> the knight of blood falls.

DAVE: dude can you chill for like even a single fucking second DAVE: also are you ok

Has CallieJade chilled for even a single second this entire trip??  Is he asking just if Karkat’s okay or Jade too???

--yeah I’m overblowing things out of nervousness.  Just wait and see a bit, boots.

Alt!Callie has at least learned to be more of a smartass:

> karkat is characteristically appreciative of the alarm call.

Shirt trade Karkat, nice.  And uh, Jade’s dress sure is a... dress.  Hm.

(Did alt!Callie alchemize adjustments to did she just luck out to have a red-symbol’d Bec belt and accent leggings?  I’d prefer the former, because as much as it would be acceptable within Homestuck proper, using the transition between the epilogues and this new-author’d work to just HAPPEN to give her a fitting outfit without an excuse via providence is kind of lazy.)

KARKAT: OH, PARDON THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR OVERREACTING A LITTLE WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND "POSSESSED JADE" BUSTS INTO MY RESPITEBLOCK AT 5 AM! KARKAT: NEXT TIME I’LL JUST PULL THE COVERS BACK AND LET HER CLIMB IN! JADE: i am uninterested in that scenario. KARKAT: GREAT! POSSESSED JADE ISN’T EVEN HORNY! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

...please let that mean he’s not used to her being possessed all the time and she wakes up sometimes.  PLEASE.

DAVE: but im pretty sure i locked that door JADE: i unlocked it with my mind. DAVE: fuck KARKAT: FANTASTIC. JADE: the prince’s powers are growing, but so are mine.

Dave, I’m pretty sure regular-ass no-Green-Sun Space powers can flip a few lock tumblers too.  (--though, I guess from context this was a Jakeship technolock.  Confirmation on the ship’s bad taste in design.  --I think I’m foggily remembering it said in the Epilogues that they took one of Jake’s ships just like Dirk did, too... man, being depressed so much by the Epilogues sure took a lot out of my ability to recall them decently.)

KARKAT: LIKE YOU DON’T FLOAT AROUND LIKE A CREEPY PIECE OF SHIT ALL DAY AS IT IS?

God DAMN IT she’s been asleep and possessed the whole fucking time.

> sleep is abandoned, coffee sought.

More obligatory DaveKat being cute, somehow only emphasized by the embarrassing glowing-with-power observer who doesn’t really get any of it.

Ah, here we go:

> the rogue is also awake.

Oh huh.  Cool!

Hero outfit, understated...  her his choice of heart-shades color-coded to stand out from Dave more to avoid further mistaken identity cases.  Works well!  (Holy shit I only JUST remembered at the end to go back and correctly gender Roxy as him, that was close. I blame the epilogues for a lack of visual reinforcement; I shouldn’t have as much trouble soon enough.  Seriously, I don’t remember ANYTHING without visual reinforcement, I think that’s why I remember so much of Homestuck proper so clearly.)

KARKAT: OH SHIT, THERE SHE IS! I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR HER FOLLOW US! ROXY: sometimes a girls just got to get her drift on i guess ROXY: it be like that

ilu roxy.

I missed Roxy so much, you guys.  I need more of him remarking on all this crazy shit if I’m gonna stay sane though all this.  (And I need more of him and AWAKE JADE kicking ass independently or together if I’m going to continue to believe there’s justice in the world.)

> ==>

We rarely saw Rose drinking anything but the rare coffee in canon, but I think Kanaya would have gotten her plenty into tea, yes.  Or at the very least, wanting the aesthetic of drinking tea with Kanaya would have gotten Rose into tea even if it never crossed Kanaya’s mind to try the stuff.

ROXY: well i mean who knows what she drinks now ROXY: dirk probs tossed the coffee machine out the space window right away ROXY: dude doesnt "believe" in "substances" > the prince is contemplated for a moment in silence.

FUCK, Dirk can see the narrative all the way out here???  No wonder alt!Callie’s forced to have possession turned on 24/7.  That’s fucking disappointing.  How the hell are we going to get any proper Jade time with THAT hanging over our heads?  She’d only be able to do anything when Dirk’s knocked out, and maybe not even THEN!

I was virtually promised more of actual non-asleep Jade getting shit done in HS^2.  Now there’s an even longer wait on it than I expected.  This sucks.

(EDIT: BOY did I misread that link line. Thinking “is contemplated” meant is sitting contemplating, when it meant "is being contemplated by everyone here". That was dumb of me.)

*clicks that next link*

Oh my goodness, Roxy joined the Bird Hair Crew.  It makes him look like a fucking asshole but I kind of love it.

KARKAT: IS THERE MILK?

I can’t believe Karkat is okay with drinking milk.  --yes, culturally Trolls are more comfortable with animal excretions than we are, but you would’ve thought years of railing against Equius would have purged any tolerance the idea of milk from his psyche.

I guess Dave introduced him to cereal, and it was all over from there.

DAVE: this is more like a castle DAVE: a castle of idk DAVE: twenty something ennui

Sounds like a relatable mood.  Especially considering Dirk probably decided to conquer reality out of almost nothing but twenty-something ennui.

Alright.  You aren’t going to turn Kanaya into an alcoholic or anything on us are you?

> the knight of time seeks a sylph...

--this is the shittiest shipboard starship aesthetic.

> ...and finds her, momentarily.

WOW that looks fucking depressed.  :(

> ==>

...okay you know what?  Never mind.  That outfit has wrapped straight back around into Trying Too Hard and is now hilarious.

DAVE: you ever feel like our whole lives are eventually gonna end up like this DAVE: just blasting through space on a sweeps long journey to ""somewhere"" chasing after or running from some vague enemy thats sometimes a god modded pet dog and sometimes your dad DAVE: without the faintest fucking idea of whats going to happen when we get there DAVE: thats a little specific but you know what i mean

Why do you think the epilogues upset us so much?  We thought we’d won free of that bullshit.

> ==>

Oh jesus christ that’s the most depressingly sad I’ve ever seen Kanaya drawn.  :C

--Karkat got you to watch Serendipity?  That’s amazing, Dave.

KANAYA: You Arent Reminding Me Of Her As I Rarely Think Of Anything Else KANAYA: I Close My Eyes And I See Her KANAYA: I Keep Them Open And I See Her

Fuck.

Y’know how little showing these two in love and actually HAPPY together we’ve seen in this entire comic and its subworks?  Despite them having spent at least a few happy years together we only saw in tiny screenclips?  And how Candy alluded super hard that they most likely couldn’t get that in this real timeline where shit’s going down?

Seriously, FUCK.  You could at least pretend to give us some hope, here.

Oh no, don’t ask for the nursery story, Dave.  Unless it turns out to be a funny one or a Rose twist on an old story or something.  Which it probably is, I should stop worrying.

> ==>

KANAYA: Oh Its A Wriggler Story About A Young Prince And The Beloved Flower He Loved And Lost DAVE: flower DAVE: like a plant KANAYA: Its A Fairytale Dave DAVE: right KANAYA: A Singular Wild Rose He Failed To Cherish When He Had Her KANAYA: And His Journey Of Discovering What She Meant To Him All Along KANAYA: Culminating In A New Quest To Find Her And Win Her Back

Dirk you PIECE OF SHIT did you rewrite the narrative of the fucking STORIES SHE TOLD CHILDREN?!??  Does the fact that alt!Callie is only in the present mean he can rewrite ANY past event we didn’t literally SEE???  FUCK you.  Seriously fuck all of this.

Please tell me she was kidding just then, or realizes there’s fucking something wrong with what she’s saying and getting angry or.

(EDIT: shoutyourporpoise replied: "Hey, idk If you picked up on this, but the 'nursery story' Rose told to the wigglers is just The Little Prince, which is maybe a BIT early for them to read, but I don't think that's a case of Dirk changing the narrative; its just Rose being Too Adult as usual." Oh, damn, I didn't even CATCH that it was that story. That makes all of this a lot more forgivable, even if pretty unforgivably leaning into the fiction that Dirk used to brainwash and kidnap her. Maybe that's exactly why it worked -- fiction, a story so blazed into the public consciousness? Hm. Thanks, shoutyourporpoise.)

KANAYA: But In A Way I Feel As If It Is the Greater Universe Trying To Tell Me Something

Mother fuck I’m even going to have to see our protagonists warped by Dirk when they’re ostensibly FULLY SHIELDED aren’t I.  There’s only so much of that I would be able to take, you know.

KANAYA: It May Simply Stem From My Longing To See Her Again And How Much Is Indicative Of Something More Sinister KANAYA: She Is A Goddess Of Light And The Only Of Her Kind We Know Is Alive After All KANAYA: Maybe Shes Wrested Dominion Of The Entire Concept In All Its Appearances Within This Frame Of Reference

Hm.  Well, it being a product of Rose’s ascension instead of Dirk’s is possibly a more charitable take, with Ultimate Rose projecting the delusion enforced on her backward, visible to past Rose’s Sight when she isn’t paying attention and thus paving the way for Dirk to paradoxically exploit that “ideal” as something Lighty and Important and “Perfect”.  I still don’t fucking like it though.

> ==>

DAVE: sorry i know you say you got your badass monster powers but kanaya you look tired as hell DAVE: not that im tryna psyche you or whatever but youre waxing poetic in the dark which i guess is maybe on brand but still

Yyyep.

DAVE: unless terezi is lurking in the vents somewhere and now that i bring that up its actually not out of the question so im kind of gonna be thinking about that one for a while

Pffff.

DAVE: youre the only person i know whos still basically the same as when i met you

--Which is kind of going to have to change, right?  She’s got some other cosmic purpose ready to change her a little more than she changed pre-human-troll-meetup, you’d think.

> ==>

Cute as hell.

> ==>

KANAYA: How Are Your Feelings

There’s the title drop.  I’d think Dave’s doing pretty well, considering?  Still fucked over by Dirk betraying and tricking Rose away who he’s been close with all his life, but.

> ==>

DAVE: except sometimes your best friend disappears and your other best friend goes into a ghost coma and your third best friend fucks off to space with your dad DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit

Ah... yeah.  A little worse than my casual list, huh?  Forgot that Jade vanishing into a possession-coma for THREE FUCKING YEARS is going to be hard on people inside the comic too, fuck.

DAVE: maybe it was naive to think that a bunch of twenty something trauma victims could run a society

I was honestly surprised they TRIED to run society at all.  Jasp even just highlighted a big reason why not in the bonuses.

DAVE: cool how earth c existed for centuries then we show up and manage to ruin society in seven fucking years

:(

Well, the trolls got THEIR lesson on why they didn’t deserve to rule over their new universe like gods; I guess some of y’all needed that lesson too?

DAVE: every serious conversation i have inevitably falls apart into riffing on a casual acquaintances ass

True.

Dammit, Dave didn’t feel like he could just be Some Guy even on Earth C.  :(

> ==>

...don’t think I’ve forgotten that nursery story, though.  I don’t want to think that it was something that ACTUALLY past happened, especially not without manipulation.  Like maybe past Rose was foreseeing the false purpose that Dirk wrote for her or the like, a cooperative misunderstanding between the two instead of Dirk or Rose literally reaching back in time.

> meanwhile...

KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN ASKING? HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE. KARKAT: ARE ANY OF US? ARE YOU? ROXY: not rly KARKAT: EXACTLY.

:(

--Oh right.  I remember that Callie and Roxy were going reasonably steady in Meat even though it was only alluded to, she didn’t freak out and stay awol or what have you.  That’s good to remember.  But it means Roxy deliberately left her behind to go on this dangerous quest, for years.  :C

KARKAT: KANAYA BARELY EVEN TALKS, CALLIOPE WON’T LEAVE THEIR CABIN, JADE JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A CREEPY BALLOON THAT’S MOSTLY MADE OF HAIR.

Oh, SHIT.  I should have read one line further.  They DID bring her.  Alt!Callie being here too must really FUCK with her.  ...maybe she can actually learn to accept that alternate way her life might’ve played out, though?

KARKAT: THE REALLY FUCKED UP THING IS I MIGHT BE THE MOST OKAY OUT OF ALL OF US, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW SHIT HAS REALLY GONE GLOBES UP.

Quite true.

ROXY: ur kinda an intense dude anybody ever tell u that KARKAT: NO.

Pff.

> ==>

KARKAT: AGAINST PRETTY MUCH ALL ODDS, AND DESPITE ME NOT DESERVING ANY OF IT, I ENDED UP GETTING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I WANTED. KARKAT: OVER AND OVER AGAIN. KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE WHATEVER SLATHERING MONSTROSITY OF A COSMIC HELLBEAST THAT PUT ALL THIS SHIT INTO MOTION...ACTUALLY LIKES ME?

Well, if you want to blame Lord English for instance... we never saw Caliborn and Karkat interact much, but the parallels between the two were drawn so severely that Caliborn was basically the idealized, multiverse-threatening Ultimate Kismesis that he’d always dreamed of.  And operated against him without him even ever quite realizing it.

If a level of “respect” went from Caliborn to Karkat, too, from his Lord-Englishy vision nigh-omnipresent, then this outcome isn’t very surprising at all.

> ==>

(I don’t quite feel I get why Roxy shifted to this exasperated-Dave expression, but I get logically that he’d been waiting for Karkat to make a breakfast choice... Homestuck proper rarely pulled a “last line said corresponds to next-panel’s expression” without either leaving the conversation blank or having the NEXT lines of the conversation reinforce it, to prevent this inelegant misunderstanding.  Andrew was really damned talented in getting his point across visually, in that regard.  Just like, that careful visual intent delivery.)

Alright, I guess that’s it for this short upd8!  Meeting the pursuit crew was both more and less difficult than I expected.  Hopefully I get desensitized a bit as the characters continue to feel semi-almost-sorta-fine.

I have NO idea how this group is gonna work as a proper crew when we get to whatever weird other-players’ session this shit is going down in, though.

[aubrey-plaza]

idk if youre still doing this but: staubrey greek gods au

hell yeah I’m still doing these!

Stacie is Aphrodite (of course she is) and Aubrey is Artemis

Aubrey is the daughter of Leto and Zeus, older twin sister to Apollo. She’s born on the floating island of Delos after her mother is banished by Zeus’ mad jealous wife Hera

Still, Zeus loves his twins something fierce and Aubrey quickly becomes his favourite, often sitting in his lap and demanding a long list of things (one of them being that he never force her into marriage)

She becomes a huntress goddess and lives in the mountains and woods. Pan has a mad crush on her so he gives her hounds for her hunting activities and when she goes to Cyclops, he makes her the most exquisite silver arrows to go with her bow

She’s hanging out in Olympus with some of the other Gods when they bring in Stacie

Stacie is the most beautiful woman any of them have ever laid their eyes on and all the guys spring up eagerly, begging to marry her before Zeus has even welcomed her

(of course he welcomes her to Olympus bc look at her)

When Zeus asks Stacie where she’s from there’s some story about how she floated to Cythera on water foam and was greeted by the Seasons

(and honestly, compared to Athena’s birth story, Aubrey isn’t even shocked that Stacie was formed by the sea and she’s starting to learn that her own (normal) birth is more the exception than the rule)

Stacie becomes the Goddess of Love and Aubrey doesn’t pay much attention to her for a while because she’s got things to do and Apollo to beat in archery

Aubrey quickly realises that Stacie isn’t as brain dead and beautiful as she’d first thought

Well, Stacie is beautiful and her only divine duty is to make love but she’s so much more than that. Women and men come from lands far away for her aid in easing their longing and she’s whip-smart because she knows that love isn’t just nice warm fluffy feelings, that it clouds your judgment and gnaws at you and just plain hurts

It’s why Stacie doesn’t do anything when Sappho starts writing her love letters and dedicating poems to her

Stacie has said over and over that she can indulge in infatuation but not love

Aubrey, in an effort to curb any feelings she might have for Stacie, decides to add more to her plate and tells her father that she wants to become the protectress of childbirth

(somewhere along the way Athena tricks her into staying a virgin goddess but Aubrey’s never really wanted a man anyway and their father already promised her that he would never force her to marry)

The problem with being the go-to gal for childbirth is that it brings her into constant contact with Stacie, because love comes in many forms, not just lustful or whorishness, but also between mother and child and Stacie has always been adamant about doing her job right and making sure everybody has love

“How’s the beautiful Goddess of Light doing today?” Stacie flirts one day and Aubrey rolls her eyes as she pretends to be unaffected

“You know that’s not what I am,” Aubrey answers

“Oh, I’m sorry, Aubrey,” Stacie says and the way she says her name shouldn’t make Aubrey feel as warm as she does. “How’s the beautiful Goddess of the Hunt and Archery, Protectress of Young Women and Childbirth and Bringer of Light doing today?”

“I’m doing fine. And you?”

“Better now that you’re here,” Stacie flirts and Aubrey needs to remind herself that this is how Stacie is and that she’s this way with everybody and that Aubrey isn’t special

Aubrey isn’t really sure why she’s the Protectress of Young Women (because Iphigenia is just one maiden and saving her does not necessarily mean becoming a patron to all women) but she starts receiving presents, specifically from young maidens

Stacie coos from over her shoulder when Aubrey unwraps a golden blanket and finds lingerie there with a note telling her that it’s the lingerie a virgin had worn on her wedding night and that it has been sent as a worship gift

“Is this why you’ve vowed never to marry a man?” Stacie whispers into her ear. “You’re holding out for a beautiful mortal maiden?”

In a moment of spark, emboldened by her worship gift, Aubrey turns her head, her lips brushing against Stacie’s cheek as she says, “She doesn’t have to be mortal or a maiden.”

Stacie looks impressed and impassioned by Aubrey’s words, and their flirtation picks up tenfold

Of course, nothing can ever go smoothly because the Venn diagram of ‘drama’ and ‘their lives’ is apparently a circle

Hera kicks Hephaestus out of Olympus, supposedly because he tried to strike Zeus but Demeter tells Aubrey that it’s because Hera is ashamed of Hephaestus’ deformities (#gossip)

Heph, in true spoiled sibling fashion, does not take it well. He fashions a throne out of gold and when Hera goes to see him (feeling guilty enough to visit him but not enough to let him back into Olympus), Heph shows her the throne and when she sits on it, it turns into a cage

Zeus is Mad™

(Aubrey rolls her eyes because, really, when is he not?)

But apparently he’s hella mad because he wants Hera back and he’s willing to do anything to get her back

Stacie, meanwhile, is the last remaining Olympian who isn’t married (besides Athena, Aubrey, and Hestia who have vowed a life of chastity) and Zeus decides to take advantage of that even though he has absolutely no right to

(for the first time Aubrey understands the hatred for her father)

Because Zeus is so desperate to get his wife back that he promises Stacie’s hand in marriage to whomever brings Hera back

Aubrey goes to Apollo and begs him to try to free Hera and when he asks her why she cares so much, Aubrey can’t get the words past her lips. Apollo loves his sister, though, so he tries. Aubrey will always wonder if he’d have tried harder had he known why, but that’s something she’ll never know. In any case, Apollo fails because he only has arrows of gold and they’re no match for Hephaestus caged throne because Heph is a master forger

Stacie burns with indignation at Zeus’ offer, and her rage leads her to Ares

Nobody fucking likes Ares but she needs his rage and she needs his strength and honestly she’d rather be married to Ares than some unknown second-rate demigod because at least she knows he’s great in bed

Before Ares can even get to Hephaestus and Hera, Dionysus gets involved. Dionysus is dumb as a bag of bricks because he’s always drunk and as a result, he misunderstands Zeus’ words

He gets Hephaestus drunk and Heph releases Hera himself. Technically, that means that Heph was the one to bring Hera back to Zeus and that means that he gets to marry Stacie

(honestly this is the worst thing ever and Stacie is angry af about it)

Nobody goes against Zeus’ wishes though so Stacie marries Hephaestus and she hates every minute of it

“Aubrey?”

“Yes?”

“Did you kill a hunter yesterday?” Stacie asks casually

“Yes.”

Stacie squints at her because even though Aubrey is strict and harsh with punishments for those who don’t meet her expectations, this is a new low. “Why?”

“He saw me bathing in the forest and didn’t have the respect to turn away.”

“So you killed him?”

“I turned him into a stag.”

“How did he die?”

“My hounds tore him to pieces.”

Stacie laughs sharply at that and it’s not what Aubrey’s expecting

“What?”

“You don’t find that a bit of an overreaction?” Stacie teases but Aubrey just scoffs

“He was a mortal man,” she answers with a dismissive wave of her hand

“So if it hadn’t been a mortal or a man, that person would not have met that same fate?” Stacie asks and Aubrey’s eyes snap to hers, the insinuation clear

“You’re married.”

“Eh,” Stacie says with a shrug. “Love has nothing to do with marriage.”

Nothing else happens but Aubrey can’t stop thinking about that word. Love. Because she’d known that Stacie had been infatuated with her, but she couldn’t have imagined that Stacie loves her because Stacie has always said that love is pain

(Aubrey should have known that being the Goddess of Love does not make one immune to its effects)

Aubrey sends Stacie flowers

Stacie sends Aubrey her lingerie

Aubrey sends Stacie gifts

Stacie sends Aubrey more of her lingerie

“Soon you’ll be left with no garments,” Aubrey flirts one day

“That’s the idea,” Stacie replies, trails her hand down Aubrey’s arm. “Then you’ll be forced to look at me in full nudity and hopefully you’ll do something about it then.”

Aubrey doesn’t wait until that day comes, instead appears at Stacie’s favourite love house and finds the Goddess lounging in a clam shell

“You’re such a cliché,” Aubrey says, announcing her arrival

Stacie grins and dismisses everybody from the room as she crawls out of the large shell. “I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

“I can’t either,” Aubrey answers even as she unfastens her chlamys

“I’m glad you are,” Stacie says as she leads Aubrey towards an alcove with a bed. Aubrey removes the last of her garments before reaching for Stacie’s chiton, untying it easily and when her gaze falls on the woman’s body, Aubrey is reminded of the feeling she had when she’d first seen Stacie

“This hasn’t all been a trick, right? To tempt me out of maidenhood?” Aubrey asks when their lips are a breath apart

“Aubrey, there have been many other but I love only you.”

Aubrey kisses Stacie then and Stacie urges her down onto the bed and Aubrey has never felt so loved and Stacie has never felt so happy

Their love affair lasts for a very long time, all without Hephaestus’ knowledge

Love clouds their judgment and they forget that not even the Gods can Mind Their Own Business™

Helios gets involved when he sees them through a window, making love in Hephaestus’ bed and Helios is a snitch who tattles to Hephaestus for the drama of it all

Hephaestus, pissed off like nothing, is a master craftsman, so he forges a trap

Aubrey and Stacie are in bed, naked and closely pressed together and whispering sweet nothings to each other when a golden net falls over them and Aubrey’s heart stops and Stacie is instantly on edge

Hephaestus, angry that Helios had been right and that his wife is not only being unfaithful to him, but being unfaithful with Aubrey, calls over all the other Gods to bear witness

“I’m sorry,” Stacie whispers over and over into Aubrey’s ear as the woman tries to shield herself from the shame

Zeus is extremely disappointed in his daughter and her broken promise and he’s ready to let Hephaestus do whatever he wants to the two when Poseidon steps in. He’s always had a soft spot for Stacie, because she’s technically a child of the sea and the water nymphs love her and he can’t afford to anger the water nymphs

“I don’t care what happens to them,” Zeus says as he walks away and Aubrey cries into Stacie’s shoulder because that’s almost worse

Hephaestus is angry that he doesn’t get to take revenge on and punish his wife and her lover so Poseidon offers him back his seat in Olympus and tells him in no uncertain terms that this is a deal that he has to take and Heph is too afraid of Poseidon to go against him so he lets them go

“I’m sorry,” Stacie says once they’re dressed but Aubrey won’t look at her anymore. “Aubrey, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Aubrey says through her tears. “I’m sorry.”

“Please,” Stacie pleads, crying as Aubrey turns away from her.

“I love you,” Aubrey whispers

“I love you too,” Stacie says and Aubrey kisses her, slowly and deeply and Stacie’s not sure why but she cries even harder when Aubrey pulls away.

“I love you so much,” Aubrey repeats, like a promise

Stacie’s heart breaks into a million pieces when Aubrey disappears into the woods

Falling from grace in Zeus’ eyes is not an easy position to be in, and Stacie understands. She understands it because she has the protection of her beauty and her love, but Aubrey doesn’t. Apollo is not as great a hunter as Aubrey, but it’s close enough, and there is still a Goddess of Childbirth, and there are even some minor deities who can protect women and Athena is Zeus’ new favourite and Zeus makes it absolutely clear that a broken vow is unforgivable, but it’s forgivable enough for Stacie because he needs her. Stacie’s irreplaceable.

Aubrey’s irreplaceable too, but only to Stacie.

Aubrey’s chair on Mount Olympus remains empty until the end of time.

EDIT: I made this into a fic with a part 2!

read it here

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Italia episode 9 reaction

shout out to the sheer number of snake emojis in the comments on any clip featuring or mentioning Martino

Episode 9

Clip 1 - Silvia spills the beans

Skam Italia being educational, kinda! I’m going to try out this headache technique. 

According to the subs I found, Sana’s janitor told her about it? … her housekeeper? That’s probably closer to what it was but I just like the idea of Sana going around striking up conversations with janitors.

But another version of the subs didn’t have that part at all so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Dear Lord, Silvia, chill the hell out. Someone sitting in someone else’s car doesn’t mean they’re dating. Although lmao, Eva and Noora could have stood to learn that in season 2.

Actually, I do get how Silvia would be upset? She’s really jumping the gun but Edoardo just treated her like crap in front of people. I would probably be a little hurt that my friend was maybe hanging out with someone who hurt me. The problem with Silvia is that her motivation is less, “Eva, how could you associate with someone who’s treated me like garbage?” and more, “Eva, what were you doing with my mans???”

Evaaaaa, why did you trade that completely obvious look with Eleonora??? Just make it seem the most suspicious you can. I mean, if you don’t want to spill the whole truth about Edoardo digging for info on Eleonora, you can literally say “I studied for my exam in the car and he asked me about it” and technically that’s not a lie.

The flashbacks with Eva and Laura were pretty cute. Aesthetic hair-braiding!

I do like Sana immediately being like “lol why would you trust Laura” and bringing up the water throwing incident as a sort of logical evidence why Laura isn’t the greatest, as opposed to Vilde/Silvia saying something dumb and Islamophobic and Sana having to mention the water incident as proof of her loyalty.  Also Silvia looks humbled by Sana mentioning she was defending Silvia’s honor. 

Sana asking Silvia whether she has to meet her mother was a nice way of calming the situation for Eva’s sake while getting Silvia to leave before the problem can escalate. It was thoughtful for Silvia, too, as it gave her a chance to escape instead of digging the hole deeper.

I'm glad that the Edoardo lift had more plot relevance than just ship teasing (multi-tasking is A+) and I think that it’s good to illustrate how much it would break Eva is to lose a friend again. Her offering to let Silvia listen to the message she left Martino as proof is rather heartbreaking in its desperation. On the other hand, I don’t know how I feel about the emotional impact of this scene having to be more about poor Eva weeping and having to beg Silvia for forgiveness over something that was ultimately trivial and meant nothing, and that we as the audience know meant nothing, rather than Eva dealing with the guilt that she’s been carrying around for months over destroying her relationship with her best friend. That is the Big Secret Eva has been hiding from both her new friends and the audience so it probably needs more focus (which to be fair, is elaborated on in the bathroom scene later).

I saw some talk of how people thought it was an improvement that Silvia didn’t call Eva a slut, and while of course it’s nice that she didn’t do so, I don’t get why it’s better for Silvia not to call Eva a slut in this version since Noora directly confronts Vilde about it in the moment, it’s not like it was this casual misogyny in the show that went unaddressed. That was the point, it was a teachable moment. It’s certainly not worse that the moment wasn’t there, I just think it’s more about how it’s handled than anything else. (Also, I mean … Vilde being a jerk was specifically a tip off that something was going on with her.) 

Clip 2 - Eva talks to a friendly serpent

Martino knows all the school drama and social scene. It is pretty damn shady of him to be like oh yeah, they didn’t invite you because that girl whose boyfriend you kissed, her friend is organizing it, when he is responsible for the apparent non-invite in the first place, or so he would think. But he’s so casual about it. Not much guilt when he tells her that. Maaaaybe a little more when she starts to tell him about what she’s dealing with at school? IDK.

Eva sounds less angry or frustrated, more defeated.

I’m still wondering what her arc is going to be? Because there isn’t that pressing question of “who are you?” and her not having her own identity, it’s like … I guess she’s questioning whether she’s become a bad person? Sort of? She has Silvia making assumptions about her being a bad person, Laura thinks she is a bad person based on events that really happened, and Gio is questioning why she hangs around with bad people. That could be an area to explore in terms of her relationship with Laura but I’m not all that sure how it would play regarding her and Gio since Gio has made many of the same mistakes she has, he can’t exactly talk.

Martino trying to pull some reverse psychology is cute because he can’t quite keep a straight face. 

Sucks that this friendship is about to go down the toilet!

Clip 3 - Eva and the older girls

Heh, this angsty song gets cut off as soon as we establish that Maria does not give a crap who Eva is.

I always enjoy this scene and this advice. It’s one of the most underrated parts of season 1. These girls didn’t seem as invested as giving Eva some friendly advice but again, love that they get interested in their own sexual exploits rather than Eva’s and she ends up just walking away.

It’s nice that there was a totally logical, boring reason they didn’t get invites though how were they planning to invite everyone else once they stopped on Facebook? Word of mouth?

Mmm, I don’t know if I totally buy that Alice’s BFF doesn’t give a shit at all who Eva is? Of course her maturity is nice, and I can certainly buy that she doesn’t care enough to keep Eva from being invited to the party, but Alice got in a physical fight with this girl because she was that upset. . Like who were those girls accompanying Alice in the fight if not her friends? (At first they seemed like they wanted to hold Alice back but by the end it seemed like they were fighting as well.)

I think I’d have preferred if Maria was like, “Just between you and me, Federico is a fuckboy and I’m glad Alice can see the truth now,” or “I don’t like that my best friend was hurt, but I’m not petty enough to keep you off the list” or “I love Alice but she overreacts to everything and makes a lot of drama.” Or just some explanation for her total lack of fucks. The older Norwegian girls weren’t like, Iben’s best friends, correct? They weren’t even in the same grade? Maria has her BFF involved.

Clip 4 - Hippogriff

Fede, teach me your ways of absorbing information just as Sana showed us how to get rid of headaches.

Sana having an uncharacteristically soft moment and trying to deny it. She’s been really blunt with Silvia but their relationship has been all about helping Silvia with no apparent gain for Sana, except friendship.

Also she’s very reluctant to spread rumors, like this Sana goes from hard to soft pretty fast.

Federico and Laura leaving the men’s bathroom together sure adds a layer to Edoardo’s comment about Silvia hanging around the boy’s bathroom! That is just a thing these characters do, hook up in bathrooms. In S3 Martino can just wander into any men’s bathroom and find a girl to pretend to like.

Clip 5 - Eva and Laura and Alice

Nice use of music with the tense beat going as Eva drags off Laura, then it cuts off abruptly as Eva is about to get real and vulnerable.

This is easily the best acting Italian Eva has done so far. There have been a few “emotional” scenes where I thought she seemed too theatrical and not natural for the material but this was very good. I almost wanted them to stretch it out longer, as in the original, so we could get more of this performance.

And I’m pretty sure Laura was crying too by the end, which is very touching. I do think it’s one of S1’s best aspects how the Ingrid/Laura is not the villain, is actually the wronged party, but that she and Eva are able to come to a peaceful resolution.

It’s pretty sad that Eva made that little attempt at a wave back in the first clip. She really missed Laura.

Ha, I didn’t care for that Alice intro, though! Seeing her come up in the hallway definitely distracted from this intense, emotional acting between Eva and Laura. Especially because the moving music keeps going as she’s spying on them, and only cuts off when she throws her books down. I think it would’ve been more effective to keep the Eva-Laura shots going and keep us really engrossed in their dialogue, and then when Laura mentions Fede, suddenly cut to Alice standing like right there in the doorway and cut off the music, for a true jolt and change in the scene’s energy.

Alice’s actress looks so defeated as she realizes what a piece of shit her boyfriend is. And it’s nice that she apologizes and asks how Eva is doing. You know, before she inadvertently reveals Eva has been betrayed by a good friend.

“He looks like he cares about you” does that mean Martino looked pained when he told Alice about Eva and Fede? Boyyyy, why did you do such a stupid thing? (I know why, it’s still stupid.)

General Comments:

This has been a solid remake and overall they’re handling Eva’s emotional turmoil well. The point I���m wondering about is what Eva’s ultimate conclusion/personal statement is going to be since they’ve left out a lot of the questioning of her identity and insinuations that she is a follower not making her own choices. Season one’s strength lay a lot in that finale so I hope they have something cohesive for her character.

I am not Italian so if I misunderstood something or missed context, feel free to correct me.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): Pain.png

ok so hello again my good and loyal scrubs.

im in pain again today? and like, as is frequent, not understanding its source very well or what to do about it very well

and i think maybe, all i can do is accept it? if the pain isn’t going away despite, like, changing activities, and drinking water, and eating, then is it just, like, i can’t avoid it? can’t get away from it?

a lot is like, the pain of that little kid who got pulled around physically and verbally and emotionally. a lot of like, this pain can’t be real, i’m just, you know, acting, or faking, or something.

but like... this doesn’t benefit me at all. i’ve tried acting happy! i do not feel happy, i feel very sad, and the smile comes out all sad. i can’t, like, beam on command. so, i suppose i am just sad and in pain. and i can’t change that, only manage it.

my head hurts like I might get a full-on migraine but idk yet.

some of the pain is also the pain of a young man who didn’t, like, even realise yet that what he was going through was abuse, so he was transferring it onto others he did “love” but couldn’t love healthily, and really doing his best to apologise when it was made known to him he was hurting people, but didn’t understand there are some things an apology can never heal. 

there is also the pain of an older younger man who bonded through trauma with someone, and while that person was a wonderful amazing woman so often, she really hurt him, like, so much, by denying some of his real actual experience of pain, instead of validating it. and i don’t know for sure, because this is a conversation that may never happen, but i’m pretty sure i did the same to her? 

and then like, my mother’s voice is there, saying, “you’re making this up,” “stop exaggerating,” “i think you’re overreacting.”

but like, on Counselling Day this week, i told my counsellor i hated my mother? and saying that now brings me a sense of... weird relief. no more guilt. because i felt it so often. i felt, i fucking hate this woman, i hate what she’s doing to me, i hate that i can’t escape-- and then it was time to like, go downstairs, and she’d be all... how she was. “I love you really.” “You’ll understand later.” “You’re being silly.”

like... i never said that before? not even to my counsellor, who i’ve been seeing for literally like, four years, on and off? is that how deep she made me bury those extreme fucking feelings, for her comfort?

i’m still really like... disconnected from my body. eating and sleeping and like, shit like how much weight i can carry without literally crying and stuffing it back down again, is evading me. but, like, it’s kind of making sense as to why it’s so difficult now.

and i keep thinking! like, why can’t i just “pack it up!”, you know?! why can’t i just shove this all away and hide it like i used to!

well, uh, i did that for so long, again, that the cardboard box exploded, and i went completely fucking manic and psychotic in the street.

and i thought my grandad would help me, you know? give me a room to stay in? at least help me get a supervised stay in a hospital? and he didn’t.

the psychiatrist i saw before the incident took off also didn’t help me. and recently, i learned a lot of other people have had Major Problems with the guy. like, major confidentiality breaches, disclosure of serious personal trauma to entire rooms full of very uncomfortable people who knew they shouldn’t be hearing this. but because he is the consultant psych for my area, the top dog, i don’t know what anyone can do about that?! we’re all sick! we barely have the energy to live, let alone complain enough to kick him out of health services!!!

it fucking shakes me, right. it was his eyes? like, i’m a masochist, i’ll share that pretty freely on here. and i’ve known self-proclaimed sadists and sadistic people, very well, actually. they have this weird, like... it’s like, it’s not even the look a predatory animal has. it’s literally just a human being who takes joy in observing other human beings in horrific pain. like, they laugh at videos of men being thrown in wood chippers, or hit by cars. actual things i have seen. it’s a total absence of empathy.

this “doctor” had that fucking look. he looked just like NBC’s hannibal lecter. “Mmm, fascinating.” a really good front of “professional curiosity,” but like, dude, i saw how his legs were crossed, and how his face tightened to hide a smile. i’ve seen these things on other, dangerous, prejudiced people.

i have been dangerous and prejudiced. i’m still capable of being these things. but i do everything i can to catch myself in those moments, and counter the dangerousness and the prejudice. this guy just, you know, said there was nothing he could do to help me, when i was literally going full insanity, you know?

i’m realising i’ve been drawn to people with that look behind their eyes, thinking i can trust them, when actually i can just recognise them. i had suspicions about my grandfather? he’s always been very... uhm, you know, attracted to “exotic” places, objectifying cultures and people, displaying sacred totems and caricatures of sacred totems that bothered me in a way i couldn’t articulate, but was aware of. i found them beautiful too! they were beautiful items. it was just... the way he talked about “the locals” and not “the people.” disconnected. physically he lived well? 

so yh i looked at that, i thought, this seems healthy enough? but inside, i don’t think he’s doing so hot with humanity. apparently counsellors should never offer to counsel a family member, and he did that for me. i turned it down, knowing that would be way too weird, and i couldn’t tell him shit, because he’d probably tell claire.

of course, the recent thing where he lost it with me, and indirectly sent me home in the dogbox of a cop car means i won’t be contacting him again, as far as i can control it. he had this like, furious, “no-sympathy-for-you-you-lying-breaking-in-thief” look on his face. like he thought i must be on crack and lying about it, or something, when really i was on no drugs at all, psychotic, and having a horrible flashback to hiding beside the washing machine as a kid waiting for somebody to grab me and hit me. 

i get why people go to that place. it’s cheap and easy power to laugh at others’ misfortune. but like, i can’t laugh at that. i can go “OH my god AHAHA WOW FUCK. he got, he got ATE.” if i’m beside one of those people, to hide and stay safe, but i can’t ignore the like... wow, fuck, my body feels that, fuck, there went his leg, shit, i recognise that, that’s brain-- thing i get, which i suppose is empathy? feeling what another feels?

the sadist i knew best preyed on empathic people, and boasted he was an empath himself to confuse the hell out of his targets. i literally never saw him display empathy, he always responded with a different emotion, instead of feeling the same? but like, i’d had that before, from my masochistic mother who was dealing with abuse by being the cruel one with power, so yeah.  

i did that too. i fucked a life up, maybe two, i don’t know. i was still really young when it happened, and couldn’t know better, because i’d never seen better.

i had to understand that about my mother before i could understand it about myself, because of “imagine how I feel!”

so yeah, i spotted the cycle of abuse, i’m fucking, trying to cope with how quickly it’s turning in my mind, because i suppose love is appropriately balancing behaviours in order to foster... well, nurturing? i’m trying to nurture what i’ve got back to health.

and like, uh, my mind is on fire. i can learn like hell, always have done, always will do. my emotions? also on fire now, instead of, like, almost completely extinguished. because... well, like, i can’t let them go out. that’s how i hurt somebody again, that’s how i destroy another life. that might be why some or all of the sadists i know, and in the world, are Like That. they hurt so much they put their feelings out so they can feel power again. because, yeah, control over emotions borne from extreme, life-or-death situations? there isn’t any. it was life-or-death, man. your body just Acts. 

it’s really frustrating, because... i can write about these things really well. i can sing about some of it, but only to myself, with the door open, hoping somebody will hear, but too scared to sing in front of another body, even though i know somebody will need to hear those songs, and cry, or smile, or feel nothing. i can speak about it, but SO goddamn slowly, it takes ages to get through the questions. thinking about it? jesus christ, only if i think like a machine, literally like the pistons of an engine keeping the same beat the whole time.

acting about it? holy fuck. what the hell. uh, so, my body is-- it’s telling me a thing. i can sing about it. i can write about it. i can learn about it. but i’m hungry, man! how do i... okay, slowly talking to myself. i need... what do i have? things that need cooking. but the pan is heavy! it hurts my wrists! but i need food. but my shoulder hurts too, so... do i make it hurt more? do i not eat? but i need food. but if i make food, my shoulder and wrist hurt more. and then i slip into confused loops of thinking until something gets intense enough to force the body to just, Do An Action.

part of me is thinking, well, if i can write about this shit here, do i really need a counsellor any more? 

but like, looking at him, i see he’s still really worried about me. because yeah... no social support network, can’t eat or sleep on a schedule, retreating hella deep into fantasy and creative pursuits and learning about very complicated things every day... i mean, it has its benefits, but i’m basically a hermit. and i really, REALLY want to be able to WORK in a LABORATORY. which means, teamwork.

the last time i did a group project was, uh, well. i haven’t done one since because of what happened? i had a whiteout as it was my turn to present and just, bolted. disappeared for the rest of the presentation, showed up at the end to apologise to the module convener. i was shaking like hell for... shit, the whole way home, i probably smoked pot until i blacked out, told my personal tutor i couldn’t do THAT again. bc i forced myself, thinking, I Have To Do This No Choice. 

turns out, they would have let me not do it if i’d explained. but i was really thinking Oh Fuck I Have To Try.

i’ve got another group research project coming up, but that will be not this academic year, but the next. hopefully by then i will have been to group therapy and... uh, articulated this stuff to other people who are going through it, in person? in a healthy way? there’s gonna be a supervisor there, apparently, and i’m so scared, but i know i gotta go. i can’t avoid this forever. i can’t get better alone. i wanna be able to connect with others who have lived like this in person, not just on here?

i keep “choosing” to be alone, but it’s not much of a choice, really, because i know how much... well, shit. put it this way. i’m feeling So Goddamn Much all i can do is cry in the street and sometimes sing a few lines while nobody is around to really hear the song. bc part of emotional regulation is emotional expression, and i know full well i’ve felt these feelings out in the street before, but haven’t been able to express them at all. like, i just, felt without feeling. disconnected entirely.

i can’t live that way forever. if i do that, i know i’ll lash out at people in numbness, because i won’t be able to register my own intensity.

i tried getting rid of the intensity? you know, an antipsychotic, allegedly mood stabilising, but seriously. for me... i felt so flat and slow and stupid after the dose passed like, 50mg? i’m thinking, man, actually, maybe i need this intensity, otherwise i’m never gonna properly process and express my traumas, which i’m aware i need to do to... well, get to a point where i can Work Happily In A Lab.

i know it’s not happily ever after! i know if i get there, i’m still gonna be striving for more, because everybody wants to grow, and everybody wants to go up. but really, it would be... like, it would be so much. it’s why i’m clinging on. it’s why i’m still alive after almost 22 years of... well, predominantly pain. 

but i gotta get out of pain to get there. slowly, because it doesn’t all change at once.

i’m still not sure how acceptance works? how do i accept this pain. it’s still fucking rocking my damn boat every day. if i capsize, that’s suicide, you know? and i’m well aware that one more trauma could be the one that kills me. but i don’t want it to be. it might just... you know. seem like the only way out, again.

because i am one of the lucky ones. i did run away, then i ran away again, then i got a room in a hostel instead of being on the street for years, and happened to come across an amazing counsellor who will see me for free when things get bad enough i run out of money, and i got an unconditional offer from the university that are saving my god damn Hopes and Dreams and life.

but i’m also one of the unlucky ones. i had to run away, twice. i was homeless. i had to find a private counsellor, because the NHS wouldn’t or couldn’t get me help before the next time i tried to kill myself. i ended up in massive prescription debt, and emergency loan debt to the university, which they’re going to try and pay off, but like-- it’s debt, man, like, thousands. maybe ten. i couldn’t even read all the letters, i had to get a welfare officer to do it for me. 

and PIP... are checking boxes. instead of looking at my life. i’m able, to keep coming here, to the university i’m sitting in right now, and learning, because I Find Ways. but the Ways i’m Finding are... so difficult. they could be SO much less difficult. all i need is money, man. so i can afford food that’s easy to prepare and eat. so i can afford transport. so i can buy things to replace what i fuck up when i’m really, really ill. so i can afford, you know, just a few things that make me smile? like, to have a holiday? so i can keep seeing my fucking counsellor and pay him for the work he does for me?! i can and will find a way to do this, somehow, but money would speed it up so much, and get me quicker to a point where i’m balanced enough to HOPEFULLY start Working for Pay. paying my tax, putting money in so other people like me can get a leg up. 

the fact that i could only start singing my own songs, the ones i always wanted to sing, after cutting contact with my entire family... it’s kind of an indicator to me i’d lost them already.

i mean, i’ve been estranged for... three years? four? i don’t actually know, exactly. i went back occasionally... always had to use drugs of some kind to get to sleep at night.

i don’t use that way any more. i don’t wanna go numb to that tiny little child who hated “her” mum. like... she’s not even me, just, you know, that was my body? i wasn’t even allowed to be a he back then. “there were no signs.” as IF, you just didn’t ever fucking listen. i HAVE to listen to that kid. i have to acknowledge that this is pain this body felt. and nobody, ESPECIALLY not her, can take it away. because i have ownership of my body, and my memories, and i know how publicly, explosively, dangerously unwell i used to be. 

i’m a lot, lot better, now. i have crazy skills i never had before, but it’s literally, like, dude, the fire is still burning, i have to stand here with a bucket of water constantly to put it out when it gets too big, and i keep fucking getting burned! i need help! there’s SO MUCH, you know? 

i can’t even put the sim card i had to reorder in my phone yet, it’s such a relief to not have That Fucking Thing to deal with. i’m already dealing with, like, seeing my mother’s Disappointed Face(tm) staring right back at me when i pause for just a fucking moment to think. 

i want a break, man, and i know it’s not coming, bc i can’t block this out with drugs any more, and the pain lives inside me, so i just gotta... i just gotta keep processing. it wraps itself up when it’s a point where i can, you know, kind of do something else, for a little while. 

[ilygsd]

241018: 4

you know those pathetic abstinence posts i wrote when i ”took a pause” from him?

yeah uhh........ im trying my hardest not to weite smth equally as cringy but i cant help. i catch myself looking at the few pictures ive taken/screenshoted of him, imagine his smell wow and thats really smth that hits me. ive said it before, i even admittet it but sometimes when im outside, at the busstop or whatever and theres a gust i can suddenly get very very excited like my heart goes WOOP for a second and then i realize FUCK its just another male perfume lmao. like i didnt know i likes perfumes until met him. a crazy thought would be for me to buy his perfume and then just use it for all my clothes and my bed to feel safety. thats fucked up. idk why but peoples smell have always been very important to me

i always used to exchange shirts with my precious boyfriends. or not exchange i just stole their shirts. i used to have like up to 5 of my exs shirts and it sucked ass to give then back to him when we broke up lol.

i did find it interesting though because of jo wearing perfume i didnt know what his ”original” scent was like. i still dont really know, but i think i lile the mix of his perfume and his own smell like after we’ve cuddled or had sex i could feel him on my skin. i think it was a mix. bed and clothes are usually pretty reliable but his clothes are perfume and the bed is sometimes like.... idk what to say.... old? lol

ah fuck anyways i miss him. i miss him much and i catch myself thinking good about himmm. thoughts i dont want to tinkkkk. thoughts like ”maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasnt that bad”. im actually not hurt anymore, just anxious. for him leaving i guess. or me making a fool out of myself. im just stubborn. i wish he could apologize and if we will continue to see each other i will tell him why. he probably wont agree though and i will have to give up/accept that. because this whole relationship is on his fucking terms

i also realized that i really was desperate before i met him. it doesnt feel like it because now he occupies most of my thoughts bit when i read my precious posts here it was a lot of frustrated feelingd about adoption, racism and my ex. idk..... maybe i’d rather think of him than any of tjat cus that sjit is just sad to read. i guess stjis is too though. so fucking obsessed its crazy

i read smth about bpd splitting and idolizing and devaluating etc which i will get back to later but there was this pattern and i just.... could relate a lot. i either love or hate him. i wish i could see him for who he was. i dont only hate him and im not only being manipulated but i want to believe i actually do like him. i just have a hard time accepting who he is which is sad because in many ways he accepts me for who i am. he even tries to be empathic for me, its just not enough. especially not when he loses his sjit.

bow i feel like i have to appreciate him more again but i never do. and thats the problem with me, i never do. actions before words as he says. i will have to change my my actions. o wonder if hes fond of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy hmmm. my mim is a psychoanalysds so i always thought about that but idk

i do like him. he’s very handsome, i am very attracted to him physically. idk if im just horny bc ive repressed my sexuality for a couple of years or so now lmao but i really could go up to him and ask him to just fuck me honestly. but i want to get to know him better too. and his mom LMAO. no but honestly, i want to get to know him better. especially how he thinks. what he likes, what he diskukes. i want to do things with him and make him things, make him smile, make him relax and make him feel pleasure.

yeah uhhh i almost sucked his dick??? and i really dont do that i dont like dicks esp bot sucking on them thats fucking disgusting but honestly i was just so caught up in the moment and i just wanted him to feel good and i was just so attracted to him so.... yeah. it wasnt for long though cus im insecure and inexperienced and the sex probably sucked for him even though he came idk but i was surprised by myself

i still catch myself thinking of how he can be very cute and caring. he always asked if i was okay, if i was ready or uncomfortavle. that i could always tell him if it was too mich. he did pressure me a little bit to mutual masturvation but he accepted when it didnt work for me. i was so tense tbh. if i had tried a little bit longer it would probably have worked though.

sometimes i want to be close and you can tell the way my bldy communicages. like when we talk over a coffee and his knew touches mine or he takes my hand or let me nudge his shoulder or fuck up his hair a bit even though it obviously annoyed him.

i see myself as a little puppy sometimes. an emo puppy lol. a depressed puppy. and sometimes i see him as my older brother. idk. apprently his mom thought i was like a sister. i neve runderstiod if he meant sister to her or sister to him.... i guess shim?? yeah thats pretty weird considering we were fucking when she was home LMAO omg that was so embarrassing im so awkward ughhhh. i didnt even thank her for the food 😩 until it was time to leave and jo was like ”uh she’s leaving i follow her to the busstop” and she said ”okay bye” and i was like ”thx-for-the-food-that-for-letting-me-stay-goodbye-ily-stay-safe” not really bit basically ugh. and i had/have a cold too so my voice is all raspy and low like morgan freeman abeushwisbso

fuck now i REALLY miss him. its scary when he ignores me. im so used to him messaging me all the time and i know that he and other aspds want wouldnt do something they dont want/gain. at first i was offended by that fact. offended and scared but now i feel flattered. sure i may only be a study ibject to him but hes kind to me. he’s romantic to me instead of just friendly so i guess he finds me somewhat attractive. he pickdd me because he thinks i can give him something? that actually means a lot because i am useless lol and no one ever wants me for anything. i wonder what it is though. my sensitivity only seems to brother him though, and my overthinking. and i overthink all the time im with him. you dont know how mich we fight and bicker. i wish he wanted my love but hes not interested in that. i could give him my love for sure. it would be intense and passionate. the only love he wants is sexual lol not emotional

ughhh idkkkk. i’ll have to find my old adoption documents too to see if im tested for HIV and shit so i can contact him LMAO idk what to do though cus i booked a time to get myself tested bit idk if i want to anymore..... i would do it for him though. worst thing would be if he dissed me because of me not being tested yet. but that wouldnt really make any sense because he actually tried to liggten the mood and make a joke so i guess he actually ”forgave” me. i wonder if he would forgive me for still oushing his buttons and demanding things from him

[modernnonfiction]

lol im gonna talk about how sucky my life used to be under the cut so pls dont read if you dont want to this is like a stream of consciousness thing because im feeling Depressed

this is honestly so extra but ive never really said all of this out loud or written it all down. I had a diary when i was 11 and i said some of this stuff but she found it and ruined me for it so i dont ever talk about it. i think i just realized why i dont talk about it by writing that out wow. but anyway, 

my parents got divorced when i was six. i was sad at the time but honestly? i wasnt that upset in the grand scheme. i found out later it was bc my mom cheated on my dad with my current stepfather lol. but before they told us that was happening my mom just disappeared for three months and my dad was sad all the time. i remember that was the nicest my dad has ever been to me; he used to carry me down for breakfast every morning and id watch tv on this big round chair in our old house. when my mom came home i wrote about it in my little journal at school and i dont think my teacher thought anything of it.

my mom moved to an apartment and my dad kept the house. since we were so young we’d spend the first half of the week with one parent and the second half with the other. i think we switched to an every other week arrangement when my dad got remarried. 

my parents never liked to tell me when they went on dates but i always knew. they were probably worried about upsetting me but i wouldnt have been. i understood that my parents were broken up and i didnt want to change it, because i knew it was a grown up thing. they would always try to explain to me in a non direct way what was going on and i always hated it. i was intuitive for my age and i never really liked the skirting around the issues. it seemed important to my parents that i knew i could ask questions and be upset but i genuinely didnt feel that way.

my dad dated a really nice woman with two little girls my brother’s age for a little while. i sometimes wonder what wouldve happened if he married her instead. i see her at church sometimes with her two girls. i don’t think she ever remarried. 

my dad met my step mother after her. i really liked her. she had three daughters that were younger than me, an older daughter and an older son. they were all nice. i would go to their house whenever i would be staying with my dad and i would have sleepovers with her younger daughters. i always loved going to their house because they had so many things to play with and a big backyard. now that i think about it i think my dad asked to marry her after only like nine months. thats never really enough time to get to know a person. i was so happy though. i had been praying for a little sister for so long and then i was going to have three! my dad married her during the summer on a beach in florida. we all travelled there together and stayed in a nice beach condo. i was excited to be the flower girl in the wedding and to wear a pretty dress that matched all of my sisters. 

things started going south that weekend. I went to the grocery store with my younger siblings and my stepmother on one of the first days, and i was messing around as kids tend to do. i wasnt doing anything wrong. it was 10 years ago, i’ll give, but i do remember feeling surprised because i had never heard my stepmother speak to me this way. she told me that if i didn’t shut up she would spank me, which shut me up quite quickly, but it felt weird. 

this is the part of the story where i feel like people will stop listening and tell me im overreacting, but i know that was when i realized something wasnt right. it was the tone of voice that tipped me off, thats something i cant really convey. I rly hate how right now i feel like i have to defend that her telling me she would hit me is wrong. but it is. i’ll leave it at that. im not spoiled, i was hit plenty of times after this comment. none of it was right, but it happened. my point is hitting children is wrong, it was wrong when it happened to me and its wrong now.

but anyway, the wedding happened. things got progressively worse for me that whole weekend. i remember sitting on the stairs in the condo playing with my dollhouse absentmindedly because i had gotten yelled at earlier. after the weekend was over, my granparents picked me and my brother up so that they could go on their honeymoon. i remember laying on the bed one morning in our hotel room thinking that something wasnt right.

dammit i was just a kid i just keep thinking about that i was a kid i was little why didnt she like me

a lot of my childhood is a blur now because of her. there was a lot of yelling, some hitting, her generally just making me feel like shit. there were good moments too, and i tried so hard to like her and get along with her but i just couldnt. she terrified me. she would look at me in a way that made me forget how to speak, i was so scared of her. 

she made me feel stupid, that was one thing she did a lot. me and my brother were really smart kids and that made her so mad. i never understood it then but i do now. she would look for ways to make us feel stupid so that she could have a moment of superiority. over an 8 year old of all people. thats what made her so vile. 

i was a really emotional kid. i still am emotional, to be fair, but when you’re a kid, you never really know how to control that, you know? I was always made to believe i had done something wrong when my stepmom was around, and it showed. i clung to my dad a lot, and she hated that. 

the moment that i flash back to the most, the one thing that i think makes me hate her so much, is the time when i was 8, probably less than a year after she and my dad got married, i was sitting with my dad on the couch watching tv, and something inside her snapped. idk what it was that tipped her off, but she started yelling at me, saying that i was avoiding her, and that i was being selfish and rude and awful. i was confused and upset and just plain scared mostly. i argued that i wasn’t trying to do anything to her, i was just watching tv with my dad. there was no way i could be avoiding her because that wasn’t even a thought that occurred  to me. She wasn’t having it. I knew that this encounter wouldnt end without her hurting me. i dont remember how it got to this point, but she got so mad that she just stopped talking to me, went to the dining room and pulled out a chair. she dragged me off the couch and made me stand behind it. she told me that i had to stand behind this chair and think of why i was avoiding her and why i was being mean to her, and then when i had an answer i had to sit down and tell her. i stood behind that chair for hours while her and my dad fought out of earshot of me. i dont remember how long it was, but i remember it was long enough for the sun to set and for all my siblings to go to bed. i genuinely tried to think of things to say to her, but they weren’t real, and i didn’t want to lie. i couldn’t think of anything because i didn’t know what i had done wrong. after a few hours, i resolved that i could just stand behind that chair for the rest of my life, because i was in the church choir and i took dance class, and i was used to standing for long periods of time. she came back when she was done fighting and when she saw i wasn’t sitting down she snapped again. she hit me over and over and over and between each time she would ask me what my reason was for a avoiding her. if i didn’t say anything she would hit me. if i made something up she would hit me. this went on until she got tired out and left. i hung over the chair and cried. my dad came to get me and i told him i didn’t do anything. he said he knew, and that if i just apologized to her, she would leave me alone. i didn’t want to, but he said even if i didn’t believe it, it would make her stop. i told her i was sorry and that i wouldn’t do it again, whatever “it” was, and she said “whatever”. i went to bed after that and cried myself to sleep.

the next morning we went to church and afterword the same thing happened. she was mad that i was “avoiding” her in church. instead of hitting me that time, she pulled out a notebook and wrote down two questions: “why did i hesitate from holding [my stepmother]’s hand in church?” and “why did I ignore [my stepmother]?” (i cant quite remember the second one, but it was along those lines.). she told me that if i were “smart enough to be in gifted classes at school” that i was “smart enough to answer those questions in essays”. she left me alone and made my siblings go play outside. i sat there stumped for a while, she would come and check on me and make sure i wasnt falling asleep, and would tell me to start writing something. my dad came in later and just told me some crap to write so that i could be done and go play with my siblings. she was upset that he told me what to write, but let me go anyway. i went to see my siblings and they asked me what happened. i told them and they shrugged it off. 

you know, people say that abuse makes your brain block out memories, and i used to think that my memory was pretty ironclad. now that im actually thinking about it, i can only remember a few isolated moments. all the rest of it is just a blur where i know that she was awful to me and i was miserable but i have no idea the specific circumstances. 

im also thinking about how my dad didnt try to stop any of it. he would help me through it, and he would empathize with me, but he didn’t try to stop it. sometimes he would join in and that made it worse.

i’m gonna list the isolated incidents that i can remember just so that its written down.

I found out that santa and the easter bunny and their affiliates were not real the first christmas after my dad remarried. i told my little brother and sisters that i didn’t believe in it right after my revelation, because they were my best friends and i told them everything. my dad and stepmom found out and i got in so much trouble. but it didnt make sense to me because i didn’t know that what i did was wrong. didn’t stop them from hitting me.

i was playing with my little sister and slapped her on the back. i did it too hard and it hurt her. she was wearing a swimsuit top and he had sensitive skin so it left a handprint. i apologized, it was an accident (and just as a side note she hit me first and i was retaliating. not that it matters.). she told my dad and stepmom and they called me to the kitchen. said “you know what we have to do now” and hit my bare skin as a punishment.

took me to a rollercoaster park knowing that im scared of rollercoasters (about 9 or 10 in age at the time) got in trouble for being afraid of the rollercoasters. my dad pulled me to the side and told me that i was gonna get a beating when we got home. we went to the waterpark section of the theme park and they wouldnt let me go swimming because i wouldnt ride rollercoasters. i had to watch my siblings go swimming without taking my eyes off of them to underscore that the reason i wasnt swimming was because i was being selfish and spoiled because they paid money for me to come there and i was afraid of the rollercoasters

i’m just gonna stop for now bc this is a lot and im tired.

[datingadviceonreddit]

As a freshman i was antisocial so next year as a sophomore i made a friend group through friends i already knew and met more. In the group there was a guy named Kyle and i eventually fell for him. The thing is, he already had a girlfriend and one of my closest friends liked him too and they knew each other for a year longer. One night everyone in the group chat was talking about their old crushes and she mentioned she used to like him. Kyle confessed he used to like her back but they couldnt be together because he was already in a relationship. They were in that “maybe it couldve happened” state when my other friend basically blackmailed me into confessing too. The confession was through text and at basically the worst time but instead of saying no he said something along the lines of “honestly, i did used to like you too but it is a bad time. Idk just do what michelle (my close friend who confessed) is doing”. And afterwards we talked but he seemed really sad and apologetic that he turned me down. A couple months later he got really depressed. His family couldnt pay the rent so he had to move, he had to give up his dog, and the court almost made his family split up. I tried to comfort him and tried to be there for him as much as i could. He was really hurt and i couldn’t imagine going through that. I feel like he trusted me a lot more than our other friends. Anytime he needed something i would always be there for him and he would tell me what was on his mind and we had this kind of relationship for about 2 months. Eventually his problems started getting less serious. He would start overreacting over some things and leave the group chat for about a week or so and shut people out or rant about something. This went on for about 3 months until he finally left the friend group for good. It happened when we were all afterschool at our club and he suddenly disappeared so i texted him and he told me to go meet him on the steps so i did. I tried asking what was wrong but he never told me and to this day i still don’t know for sure. After a while it got awkwardly quiet and he told me i can go back but i regret not being able to do anything else. Before this during the whole period where he would come and go i had an on and off crush on him. I would stop liking him for a bit because we just never talked but then he would do something like dress cute or once he wrapped his arm around mine as a joke but those little things made me fall for him all over again and repeat the cycle. After this we just stopped talking. Every couple weeks he would come to me to rant and i still cared about him even if my feelings for him were gone. Before anything he was still my friend who needed help. But like i said sometimes they weren’t that serious and he was being really dramatic. We didnt talk for weeks until the school year ended and we only talked once or twice during the summer and those were also just rants. During the summer i also left the friend group because a lot of them were toxic (im still close with my true friends tho). I never told anyone why i left. He also transferred schools during our junior year to escape the drama of our school. At one point during jr year i really missed the friend group and I’m not really sure why. Since Kyle left too i figured i could ask him if he thinks i should go back. It probably doesn’t seem like a big deal but i felt really alone even though i talked to my good friends to the point where i had a hard time sleeping. I texted him but he never responded. At first i just figured he didnt see it because hes always like that where he never checks his phone but a couple days later my friend told me he rejoined the group chat and then left after 10 minutes so i know he saw my text and just didn’t respond. Next year he told other people he was coming back because there was too much drama at the school he transferred to. So here’s what i need advice on: should i cut him out of my life when he comes back? I know if i dont then I’ll fall for him again and if i do itll start the same cycle where I’m always helping him no what because i can’t seem to forget about him and the second i start having doubts he does something that makes me fall for him again, not even as an abusive or unhealthy relationship but some little unnoticed detail that means nothing to him but makes me feel like im in love all over again. Its an all or nothing kind of thing for me. I really tried to help him and i listened to all his problems when he needed me to and dont get me wrong. I didnt do it and expect him to owe me and i didn’t do it just because he was my crush its just who i am where i try to go out of my way to help people who are close to me. But despite all of that, the one time i asked him for help he doesnt even reply. He was the one person i wouldve told that too and it was everything ive been holding in for a year. It kind of feels like he took advantage of my kindness. The fact the he left and came back to escape drama makes me feel like hes just running from his problems or relies on other people to help solve them. Also when i confessed he basically told me to wait for him until hes single and then we’ll see. He mightve just been leading me on and since he knew i liked him he used that against me for support. Helping him at one point just got really draining. On the other hand, i dont blame him for leaning on me. The things he was going through, it’s really hard and i was the one who reached out to him first and tried to help. The fact that he trusted me does mean something i think. There were things ive done to him that were mean and i know if someone did the things i did to me i would hold a grudge against them forever but instead he forgave me and still trusted me with things he didnt tell anyone, even michelle even though they were really close too. He forgave me for all the things I did and still trusted me and idk I dont want to forget that. And im the kind of person who bottles everything in until i cant hold it in anymore. If he asked me sophomore year if everything was ok i wouldve said yes, it was just that one moment i wouldve told him everything. Normally I’d hold back. And if he is going through something tough i dont want him to have to go through it alone and i dont know if he has anyone he can go to for this kind of thing except me. Despite everything he’s still my friend. This is self concious and I’m not 100% how true it is but i think because i know I’m going to fall in love with him again I’m putting up a wall and shutting him out so he cant leave me and hurt me again. This might all just be something to protect myself. Please help me with this thank you via /r/dating_advice

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Hello stranger...

It’s been a while since I wrote in here. At the moment I’m training myself to stay awake for these upcoming night shifts and I thought what better use of my time than to write a long post on here for you. 

I have a lot to apologise for. 

Even though we have skyped quite a lot today, i still feel guilty and ashamed of myself. For the past 1-2 months I really haven't been a good boyfriend to you. I’m expecting you to read this and just nod and nod and go “fucking hell finally he realises” and hopefully forgive me after. You have been having a very tough time recently and your mental health hasn't been great and teaching has been hard and you’ve been overworked and tired and what did you need? some support and someone to tell you everything will be okay and someone to listen to all your worries and concerns. I do not feel like I have been that person. I think I have been selfish recently and, since finding out I'm not here after easter, have put in more effort with my house than i have with you. i didn't always make time to FT you and i overreacted (or under reacted) to things, I dismissed things, I told you not to worry about things when they were blatantly worrying you, i wasn't there for you. Nothing will make that okay and trust me i am beside myself with anger and I'm so ashamed of myself and to think that I've hurt you by not supporting you really kills me inside. I have not been the person I usually am and i honestly cannot feel more apologetic than i do right now. 

A week ago (last wednesday?), we had a rather large argument about sex etc and it got pretty out of hand to the point where we didn't seem like we would properly make it through. I was so stupid to say some of the things i did. I must have just been too worked up about it because at the end of the day i really actually don't care. If you ask me whats more important; shagging all the time or having someone to talk to, hug, kiss, lounge around in bed with, go to the cinema with, go to a museum with, go travelling with, FaceTime for hours - you know which Id choose. We are going to prague very very soon and if i can ask one thing of you it is this - DO NOT WORRY about sex. Please. I know that is so much easier said than done but i couldn't care less. In prague what i want is a lovely relaxed time with you where you don't have to tread on eggshells or worry about what will happen later, i want to live purely in the moment with you. i hate myself that I've inadvertently subjected you to this sort of pressure and its not fair at all - its not right. I will say it now, i do not expect ANYTHING from you in prague. What i’m really craving now, and have been always, is affection. I want hugs from behind, cuddles at random moments, random kisses on the cheeks, makeouts, bum squeezes, long hugs. thats what i want. i want you to know that ever since that argument i have felt so incredibly guilty. we say we are all good over Skype but at the back of my mind I'm still feeling horrible for that argument and i think its the elephant in the room - this may not be the actual case but in my mind I'm convinced that its still causing problems and I'm worried for how you feel towards me. So please, please, please, do not worry one single bit. If you kiss me before you go to bed and kiss me when you wake up, that is good enough for me - believe me when i say that. 

Ive been reading your diary all evening and yeah I've shed quite a few tears. I have not appreciated you the way i should have over the past few months. Fuck me i am the luckiest man alive to have you as my girlfriend. you mean the world to me and i am so so in love with you i cannot imagine not being with you. i wish more than anything i could take back these recent times and just stop being such a dick. I was the biggest fool ever to let us grow slightly apart but please understand i will do everything i can to help us get back together properly. I don't feel like you’re 100% there at the moment, you’re not as affectionate over ft or over text even at the moment and in my mind I'm putting that down to you still getting over how I've treated you and maybe subconsciously giving me a taste of my own medicine - i may be completely wrong but I'm trying to rationalise it. I wouldn't blame you if you were. I just feel like i really need you to realise how important you are to me. You are my best friend, my confidant, my number one girl and the one person i want to share everything with. there are no excuses for how I've treated you (and i may be blowing it out of proportion idk) but i can tell you now it will never happen again. ever. 

You also commented how you think you’ve changed so much this year. You think youve become a lot more independent and matured a lot - that is absolutely fucking fantastic news to hear and i am so proud of you and i support that fully! I think thats such an important trait to have and such a great skill to learn (particularly before getting into the real world) and i was genuinely so happy to hear that. You may think that now you’re independent you don't need me anymore, and the truth is you don’t. I don't think any healthy relationship relies on “needing” the other, i think a healthy relationship is two people doing what they do and enjoying their life independently but wanting to share experiences or spend time with someone else too. I think in that sense our relationship can grow so much stronger because we can do our own thing and not get insecure or anything but we can still want to spend time together if you know what i mean, i hope you feel the same way! But i am so proud of you.

Also, about the head shaving business - go for it. I was drunk and i think i overreacted to it and in the cold light of day, i think its important you know that i will support you in whatever you do. Whatever happens you are still the same person i fell in love with and nothing will change that. Im sorry for making you feel bad about it and i want you to do what makes you happy, thats all i want! For you to be happy. So yeah, fucking go for it! I’ll still kiss it, you may have to get used to me rubbing it all over tho lol.  

I am and always will be 100% committed to us and i will support you through every high and low time that comes your way, i will be there to ft you when you've had a bad day and to sit through your tears and maybe cheer you up with a song if you're feeling it. i’ll be there to listen to your achievements and encourage you with all your bravery and independence. If you want me to be, i will be. 

I love you so much sweetheart, i really really do and its not long until we see eachother again, its not long until we see eachother after that and then its really not long until we go back to living 20 minutes away from each other. imagine those evenings where its like 6.30pm and I've just finished dinner and so have you and I'm just like “shall i come round?” and within 30 mins ill be at your house and we could watch an episode of OITNB and then i can go back home and it'll be that simple. Next year we will both need so much support and so much care - its going to be so stressful but together I'm sure we can fucking smash it. 

you are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, i hope you realise that and i hope its not too late for me to make amends and remind you of how great we can be together. u da greatest <3

PS: if this is all getting repetitive (i know I've sort of mentioned it a bit over ft) then pls tell me to stop flogging a dead horse and to shut up. I just thought you may appreciate a proper, thought out, from the heart apology :3

[avoicethatcant-speak]

Today was a scary day so I took my sleep pills and started to write these random thoughts

Sometimes I want to die. 

 There’s a lot of things that I don’t like about my life. My job, my loneliness, my mother’s death, my dog’s death, my class at college, not having enough money, my relationship with my dad… My routine. Sure that there are also things that I like about it. My friends, studying Psychology, being able to watch anime or read to a book while listening to some music lying on my bed. I don’t like to sound like a little brat so I don’t like to go around saying that I hate my life (even if it’s true). I mean, I always do that, I’m always complaining about a lot of things, but I do all of that complaining in a ironic way, so nobody who isn’t close enough to me or to my depression will know that I’m not joking. So I’m always making dark humor jokes about wanting to die. 

But sometimes, I want to die. 

Sometimes, I get this feeling like a wave that drowns me, and I don’t make a single joke about it. 

It’s such an overwhelming feeling, that I can’t even talk about it. Because it suffocates me. When I feel like wanting to die, my mind becomes this huge black lake on a cold night and I look at the lake but I can’t see anything. And when I get this feeling, I think about a lot of things.

My mind starts overthinking about every single thing that has ever brought me pain or loneliness or anger or any other sad feeling. I try to focus on other things, but I just can’t seem to be able to put any color on my black thoughts. But at those moments, I think about all of these bad feelings, and all of the things that made me know them, but I don’t think about how I hate my life. Because what takes over me is the feeling of emptiness. I feel like everything is so pointless. I feel numb. My mind goes dark and I can’t think of anything that can make me think about a future.

If I get those suicidal feelings when I’m working, I call the person who sits beside me and ask them to tell me something interesting. “About what?”, they ask. “Anything about you.”, I reply. “Why are you asking me that?” “Because this work is boring, I don’t want to answer more calls.” (Because I can’t stop thinking about how pointless this life is I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss my mom I can’t stop thinking about how lonely I feel I can’t stop feeling about how much I hate myself for losing to depression, and I can’t stop wondering exactly when have I lost myself to depression or how could I lost control of my own mind like this and what could I have done differently to not ending up like this? Because I want to die). 

When my mind get full of this overthinking, I start thinking: why am I here? Why do I keep working on something that I hate? Why am I even studying psychology if I can’t even take care of myself? Why don’t I stop taking my meds? If I did that, at least my sister wouldn’t have to waste her money helping me. I don’t care about anything. I should just stop working. Does it really matter if I get fired? Does it really matter if I don’t come home ever again? Why can’t I just die and go see my mom? I’m going to die anyway. And I miss her. And soon my grandma will die, my sister will start her own family, and I will never fall in love because I’m weird and can’t fall in love and I will end up alone because I would never make someone stay beside me. But this is all pointless. Life is pointless. So much anxiety, so much worries, working 6 days just to have 1 free day and going out and feeling happy just to go back home and start this cycle all over again? This is not worth it. I don’t even want to be here. I know that I have people who loves me and would be sad if I disappeared but I don’t want to be here… I feel like shit for feeling like my friend’s love isn’t enough to make me want to stay.

If I had the courage, I would do it. 

But I don’t think about killing myself. I think about wanting to die. 

If I just wanted to kill myself it would be so much easier… But I guess I still want to live. I just don’t want to exist. 

I breathe. I go to the bathroom. I sit in the toilet and grab my cellphone and go trough my twitter feed. Sometimes I cry. I wash my face. I breathe. Drink some water just to kill some time. I wait for these feelings to go away. They do. And I go back to work. I go back to my house. I take a shower. I talk to my grandma about how was my day. I lie in bed, turn the Netflix on and watch something. I laugh about memes my friends sent me. The I-want-to-die wave isn’t drowning me anymore. My chest hurts, but I can shut those feelings down again. But when I can breathe again, I get scared: did I just wasted a whole day off work thinking about dying? I couldn’t focus on positive things. Wow, that was scary. It is always scary when I think about the things that I love and they bring me nothing but emptiness. My mind is scary, I just focus on the depressive part of it and it’s stronger than me. 

I don’t want to die anymore. 

But I can’t forget about how it feels to have suicidal thoughts. I feel like I’m going crazy and overreacting so I can’t talk about this to anyone. They are not about the act of killing yourself. I have only thought about one way of doing it, but the only time when I think about how could that be done is on my nightmares. It’s about how much you wouldn’t mind if tomorrow you disappear. It doesn’t matter if everything ends. There are things that I might be able to do in the future, but the future doesn’t matter because it is too far away for me to reach. I hate myself. I’m coward and I want to look up to my future there are things I wanna do I really do but even so, I want to disappear. 

The cycle goes on and on and on. 

There’s no one I can talk about this. Not when I am drowning, and would make all of my friends worried, or thinking that I’m crazy. Idk. I can talk about it later, or post a sad tweet that will make them worry about me, I can talk after I can breathe again so all I can do is try to make myself reachable. Try to make them understand the intensity or the power of those waves. But what’s the point on making they worry about someone like me? The thought that I’m not worth their love makes me so lonely. And angry. Because when I love someone, I have one more thing to lose. One more thing to hold me to this pointless life. I want to stop talking to everyone. I hate that they won’t leave this shitty person alone. I hate that they are wasting their love on me. But I also don’t really want to be alone. Being alone is scary because I will always have my mind and this shit is even scarier than hurting other people feelings. I’m selfish. I’m tired. 

 I wonder how many days I will have to go trough feeling this. How many days I’m gonna need to survive, because living is not worth it and I don’t have the energy to do it. (I wrote this after taking the pills so its probably full of english mistakes that i wont change because i just wrote this to get this shit out of my brain)

[ilygsd]

201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys