#okay but am still annoyed at what happened earlier lol

[atsu-i]

.

[dekusdante]

Things that annoys me in the Jujutsu Kaisen Fandom

Sorry but this is going to be all over the place.

Am I the only one tired of the same trope being used when it comes to Gojo from JJK? In other words the enemies to lovers trope where the oc or reader is basically Utahime with out the name.

Like we all remember the episode where he gave out what type of person he was into which was a nice girl or something along those lines. I that as writers you have to take creative liberties but why are all the readers in these stories are exactly the same.

They either hate Gojo or is super easily annoyed at him. Jerks but its okay cause for some reason he loves them unconditionally. This is so annoying cause there is no push back from Gojo in these stories. Just him taking back the reader or waiting for them to return his feelings when in actuality he shouldn't.

Another thing that annoys me is why is it always the guy that's simping why can't it ever be the woman being madly in love and trying to win him over?

This enemies to lover trope has completely taken over the Reader x Gojo fandom and its so overused. Now I will admit there are some gems out there, but I just don't even bother reading anything that is enemies to lovers anymore. I'm just tired of reading the same thing over and over again with the same copy and paste formula/reader.

Also why is smut so strong on here. Like don't get me wrong those writers are killing it with the plot aspect but man does all the smut kill me. Like I want more plot these are really good and creative ideas but man the smut kills me lol. Still reading the plot but stop at the smut parts which is usually the end so we gucci.

Hmm, another trope I refuse to read in these are arranged marriage were we are supposed to be upset with the guy who is forced to marry someone they don't want too. Why? Well for starters it always start with the reader being mistreated by the guy for some reason and the reader putting up with it until something happens and the guy falls in love with them and has to gain both their trust and love again.

I can get behind this but they always make the guy so unredeemable in these that it would be crazy if she takes him back. [She always does] Another thing is we are supposed to hate the guy because he wants to remain faithful to the person he was with before the arrange marriage. Like why are we bashing a faithful man?

Another trope I hate is when the guy is always in the wrong. A while ago I read a Gojo x reader fic were reader was mad that Gojo couldn't spend a lot of time with her so she broke up. Okay valid even though I am sure this would have been addressed before or earlier in the relationship but okay. What annoyed me with this story is that she then goes on to get in a relationship with Nanami who then calls Gojo an idiot for losing a woman like her.

I could not believe what I read. Like what the hell did Gojo do? At this point Gege posted about Gojo's life and how the man is booked to the max and I couldn't help but think how distasteful it was to first make it appear as if Nanami would do something like that to Gojo and secondly pretend that they don't have more free time compared to him. Like Nanami even understood why Geto did what he did.

Anyway that's all I got for now. I am not here to argue but I would love to hear about what you think on this. A second opinion is always welcomed and if you have a trope you don't like then I would love to hear it.

Also if you have a story that you would like to promo then please do so in the comments. It is a okay if you want too. No pressure,

[slut4thebroken]

Promise

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Neil Lewis x reader

Summary | He’s a perv and lowkey a bad friend lol

Warnings | Smut, technically non con, masturbating, objectification, degradation, misogyny?, perv neil (again).

Words | 1.5 k

Notes | Ty to whoever sent the ask for this 🙌 Also this is barely proofread btw

Ao3 link | <3

Masterlist

“Give me a sec, I need to finish getting dressed.” You said, with only your head in the frame. Your hair was still wet so you must have just gotten out of the shower. He smiled and watched your head disappear, listening to the sound of clothes rustling until you were finally sitting down in front of your computer. “Hi.” You said through a breath of exertion from rushing to get dressed. 

“Hi.” He chuckled, but it trailed off when he noticed your top. You were wearing a very tight, very low cut tank top and no bra— He knew because he could just barely see your nipples poking through the fabric. 

“How was your day?” You asked and he had to force his gaze to move back to your face, finding a small smile on your lips. 

“Same as always. Went to work, came home. Nothing new.” He shrugged. “What about you? You were telling me about something earlier over text,”

“Right..” You groaned, already getting annoyed again at just the reminder of it. “You know that one coworker I hate?” 

“Yeah.” He chuckled quietly. 

“Well, she was there today.” You said bitterly, then started droning on about what happened. Honestly, he couldn’t listen to a word you were saying. He was watching your tits through the screen as his cock started fattening up in his pants— In his defense though… he hasn’t touched himself in like.. two days. So it’s only natural he’d get worked up so easily— especially because it’s you. He palmed his bulge beneath the camera, being careful not to move his arm too much. 

He waited as long as he could… Honestly, he did. 

“Hang on, I gotta turn my camera off really quick. I’m still listening though.”

“Okay.” You said, thinking nothing of it. He turned the camera off and you continued talking, gesturing with your hands, making your tits move in a way that had his mouth watering. Unable to wait any longer, he pushed his pants and underwear down just enough to free his cock and immediately started stroking it. His eyes fluttered shut and he bit his lip to stifle a moan as his head fell back. 

He was barely listening to your words, just wanting to hear your sweet voice and imagine you were saying something else instead… something far dirtier. Wanting to watch you again, he leaned his head back up and opened his eyes to study your face. Your lips looked so pink and pouty, and so fucking kissable— it drove him crazy. 

“Neil..” You called out, snapping him out of his trance. 

“Yeah?” He cleared his throat when he heard how raspy it already was. 

“I asked if you were listening.” You giggled— fucking giggled. 

“Sorry… I promise I am now.” It was so hard to talk with his cock in his hand, throbbing with need. 

“Why can’t you turn your camera on?” You suddenly asked, making him freeze. He never thought you’d actually confront him about it…

“I- Uh… I spilled soda all over myself and I’m still trying to clean it up, while being mostly nude… I can turn it back on if you want.” He said suggestively. 

“Okay okay, sorry.” You laughed, then continued talking. “Oh- I wanted to show you what I got the other day. It reminded me of you.” You smiled and then stood up, making his jaw drop. The tank top didn’t even reach your belly button and the shorts you were wearing rested low on your hips. 

When you turned around, he choked on a moan and squeezed the base of his cock, trying not to come right then and there. No wonder the shorts were so low… If you pulled them up any higher, they’d expose more than just the very bottom of your ass. You must not have heard him because you walked a few more steps to your bookcase, then started looking for the mystery object. His hand had a mind of its own and started stroking again as he watched your hips sway while you looked through different drawers and shelves. 

You bent down to look through the bottom half, sticking your ass out as if you were teasing him on purpose. He cursed under his breath when he could just barely see the outline of your pussy in the skin tight shorts. When you leaned back up, the fabric was even higher up on your ass now and when you turned around to walk back to the computer, he saw that your tank top shifted as well, exposing more of your cleavage and the swell of your breasts. They jiggled as you sat back down in the chair.  

“Are you sure you’re listening?” He suddenly heard through the trance he was in.  

“Mhm.. just keep talking. Promise I’m listening.” He tried not to say the words through a moan. 

“Okay…” You said skeptically, but continued anyway. He was enjoying the view of your tits, but he desperately wanted to see your ass again, so he bit his lip and tried to think of a way to get you out of the chair again. 

He waited until you were done talking before asking, “Is that thing up there new?” Your brows furrowed and you turned around to see what he was talking about. 

“The figurine thing? I guess yeah. You haven’t been over in a while.” 

“Can I see it?” You smiled and agreed and he watched you stand up and turn around, only letting you take two steps before stopping you. “Wait,” You froze and turned back around, leaning down into the frame so he could see your face. 

“What?” The way you were bent over exposed even more of your tits and he stifled a groan at the sight. 

“Nevermind, sorry.” He chuckled, playing it off. You seemed suspicious but eventually leaned back up and turned around to continue walking. You got up on your toes and reached up, making your tank top raise even more, now showing your entire lower back. He imagined seeing that when he had you bent over instead, squirming and moaning under him until he came on the cute little dimples you have. 

“I used a stool to get it up here.” You laughed, dropping your heels, making your ass bounce, and twisting around to face the computer. 

“It looks like you’re almost there.” 

“Really?” You turned back around and looked up, then started reaching again, making little groans of effort that had his cock throbbing. 

“Try jumping.” 

“Neil, do you have to see it?” You huffed, already getting tired of this. “Can’t you just wait until the next time you come over?” 

“But I want to see it now.” He made sure to make his pout show in his tone since you couldn’t see his face. You let out a loud, exaggerated groan in response, but kept trying. The first time you jumped, your fingers almost brushed it. He watched in awe and cursed under his breath at the way your ass moved when you landed. Is that how it would move when he plowed into you from behind? 

You jumped again, just barely touching it. When you landed, you pulled your top down, embarrassed by how much of your midriff was showing. Neil muted his computer for a moment, needing to let out the sounds while you couldn’t see that he turned his sound off. 

The tip of his cock was completely red now, pulsing and twitching in his hand as he neared his orgasm. He moaned loudly when you jumped again and his hips bucked up into his hand. 

“Fuuuck..” He groaned, tilting his head back, but not too far so that he could still see the screen. When you jumped again, you finally grabbed it and he turned the audio back on as you walked over. Just before sitting, you pulled your tank top down again when you noticed how much of your stomach was showing. You didn’t seem to mind that the added coverage on your stomach was at the expense of the coverage on your tits. Or you just didn’t know. 

You started talking about the figurine and where you got it, and he let out little uh huh’s or grunts in response. He genuinely had no idea what you were saying, but there wasn’t even a small part of him that cared. You put it down and suddenly stretched your arms up, leaning back in the chair to stretch your back with a low moan. 

He felt his balls tighten up instantly and he got to his feet, knowing exactly what he wanted to do. He rapidly fisted his cock as you leaned back up, your top even lower now. With a stifled groan, his orgasm finally crashed over him. Rope after rope of come painted the computer screen, right on your tits. 

“Neil?” You asked, but he couldn’t talk, not when his body was literally shaking from the intensity of the pleasure. “Are you okay?” He started panting quietly as he stroked the last bead of come out, then released his cock. 

“Yeah.” He said through a breath, flopping back down onto the chair. His cock was still twitching with the aftershocks of his orgasm, especially when he saw your come covered tits though the screen. 

“Are you sure?” You were so cute when you got all concerned like this. So cute, but so dumb. 

“Promise.” 

Taglist (join here)

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[yourfatherlucifer]

Mafia Ateez reacting to you coming home hurt:

Poly!ot8!mafia!ateez x female reader

Warnings: mentions of violence, talks of violence. Come on it’s mafia ateez lol they’re a tiny bit toxic.

Short one shot, so enjoy, don’t forget to leave feedback in comments, I like to hear if I did good, I am trying to improve my writing.

-

With a slam of the door, two heads shot up from the places.

“Y/N?”

I sighed and walked to the voices. It was San and Mingi.

I could see the shock and anger on their faces as soon as I came into view.

They both had ran over to me, “What happened?”

I had a busted lip, my nose had dried blood, and a few bruises littered my face.

“Nothing. Can I please just go to my room?”

Mingi towered over me, “What do you mean, nothing? Clearly something happened. Who in the hell hurt you” he grabbed me by the chin and forced me to look up at him.

I grimaced in pain, smacking his hand away, “That hurt, thank you very much.”

San slightly flared at Mingi, “Y/N, please tell us now. Do we have to hurt someone for you?”

With his hands on my waist, I wanted to lean into his touch but my body was just in too much pain.

“Fine. I was mugged and beaten, okay? Now can I please go?”

Both men shook their heads, Mingi whistled out, and the other six men came down the stairs in tow of each other.

I groaned at was about to happened, I was gonna get stormed, touched everywhere, poked, prodded, scolded, that last part especially by Hongjoong.

“Why did you do that, Mingi?” I glared at that tall mass of a man. I pulled myself away from San and backed up, just wanting to get away.

Hongjoong was the first to step my way, being the leader/captain of this mafia group, I can see why.

“Joong, don’t.” I put my hands up to block him from coming my way, I didn’t want to be touched.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” he pulled me to him by my wrist, “tell me what happened, now.”

Why can’t these men just leave well enough alone? Why did I go out today? I should’ve just stayed in bed.

I sighed and tried to my wrist away, but he wouldn’t let go, “Joong, let go, you’re hurting me.” My wrist was turning blue already from earlier, but even dark from his grip.

Hongjoong looked at where his hand was placed and saw the dark bruise, “Tell me.” He released his grip.

I moved to sit down on the couch, “I was mugged when I was coming back home, I don’t know who they were. But they took everything I had on me but then beat me when I tried to fight back.” I stared at the ground.

I could feel the tense and angry stares from all eight men in the room.

“And you didn’t think to bring a guard with you when going out? We talked about this, now that you’re with us, you need to have a guard with you everywhere.”

There it was. There was the scolding. I know he wasn’t blaming me, but it still annoyed me.

“I’m sorry that I wanted one day, just one day of going somewhere by myself and not having some big man following me everywhere.”

Yeosang came to sit by me, he gently rubbed my back, “Hongjoong, don’t you think that’s enough, look at her, she needs to be looked at.” He stared at his friend and boss.

Hongjoong nodded, “Fine, Yeosang, Yunho, and Jongho, go take her to the hospital.”

He moved in front of me and placed a kiss on my forehead, “I’m sorry, we all love you. I’ll see you when come back.”

I nodded and smiled at him, “I love all of you too.”

With that I left to the hospital with three of my lovers. I hope to never go through this again.

[yuseirra]

Hehe.. I'm okay, I mean.. Either way, it means I have one less thing to worry about.

If it is how it is, then I don't have to worry so much about what happens in this piece. If it somehow goes the way I want, I'll have something to keep on loving.

I honestly really still don't picture what point the plot would have and how the story would make sense if they decide if this is how the story would go in this direction,(it's a chapter, I still feel things should be seen in full and have some sort of good theme that wraps it all together) but I'm not saying that the author is wrong. They decide what to do with the story and their characters, I believe that for a creator, their characters can sometimes be like their child.. That's how it is for me when I write them, it depends on the creator, but I believe they will have a degree of affection for what they've brought into this world.

I wouldn't like it, it's underwhelming, and whatever this new chapter suggests could have made sense and fit better like 50 chapters ago and would have had better catharsis if it happened much earlier I feel, but that's my personal opinion I form after having read it with my own interpretations. I could say that I tried my best and put very careful attention to it in my own way.

You really don't need to try console me, it's getting really annoying.. I'm sorry, but being spoiled every single time for the past.. Month or two after having been very attached to a ship had been so rough for me, I think it was even worse than seeing how the chapters play out for myself and forming a clear opinion on it. Don't warn me or say you're sorry, I can handle it on my own. I'm really used to doing it for myself. why??; I'm just going to read or drop this series if I'm not satisfied with it, I want to keep giving it a chance and keep loving it if/while I can. It's fine. If I need it, I will organize my thoughts in a post, draw it out, or talk to my friends. I'll tell you if I NEED to talk! I'm having fun.

The really interesting thing about this work is, while I get really frustrated about how wacky and bizzare things turn out to be, I always find something about these chapters that.. Give me hope still? Idk if they are false hope though XD it's ridiculous, but I keep reading. I'll keep my hopes brightly lit if I can find them and I actually... Still kinda do. I wonder if it'll hit even more rock bottom than this lol. If you forget about Kamiki and Ai maybe this isn't the worst either, but honestly, I really, really am rooting for Ai in this one and her love. I like that about her and hey, if I'm the one who writes this story, I'd make her every choices worth it.

I feel the author really loves her character, she's well-crafted, so I want to believe that!

So there. Until next chapter drops!

[jnnmclm]

Hi! I, JOANNE MACALAM is speaking up towards the infamous notorious donation scammer LAURA DERAMAS.

I am a filipina based in USA. Ive known LD through a childhood friend of mine back home.

Never met her personally. Just like all of you here I too am scammed into some sort by her. As you can see, Laura has been using me as her bank account. Zelle, Venmo, Cash App and even Paypal.

Honestly, it didn’t cross my mind that this is all just her bullshit. Growing up in the Philippines, these things could possibly happen. I started to doubt her when my paypal account was charged with $1,800.00 that was sent by a guy. I informed her about the matter and she told me that it was a guy who scammed her of paying after she sent some “photos/videos” in exchange of money. LOL now up to this day I still owe Paypal $1,800.00. Stopped doing her favors, but she kept on messaging me all the damn time. Calling me even in the middle of my work. Even at night when am already sleeping. Pleading to please do her another favor. I tried calling paypal. There is nothing I can do, I now owe $ 1,800. This girl dont take NO for an answer.

I started giving her my cash app, venmo and zelle since I cannot use my paypal anymore just so she will stop. Always saying it will be the LAST TIME. But of course its not, there is just always something going on with her life. And I keep feeling sorry for her. I can’t give her money, I dont have those. I barely make it here in America plus sending money to my family in the Philippines, supporting my siblings with school. I have 7 sibs btw and my dad has already passed so its just me and my mama. Coming from a poor family, I sympathized for her thinking that there is nothing I can lose if I help her, I can’t help her monetarily so by me being her point of access to help here in USA to Philippines is okay. It won’t hurt nobody or so I thought.

Earlier this year, there was a network outage in my state, after it was back, I can no longer use my zelle. I did not suspect that my Zelle acc was reported by some of y’all. I was thinking it was the network outage. I tried to call my bank, zelle, network provider but I cant get no answer, they keep passing me to each other, I changed my number. Same thing. I can’t use zelle. And instead of dwelling about things that are beyond my control, I just let it go. I told Laura of what happened and that I can no longer help her through Zelle. Now you might wonder, why are you still helping her? Didn’t some of you keep helping her because she just have this fucking annoying tactics that will make you fall for it. The emojis urgh! The HUHUHU every end of a sentence. I am so done with it.

I kept ignoring her, muted her. Didn’t answer to her calls. Because now she is “borrowing” money from me. I dont have money to lend. Then I got a notification of a money transfer in one of my remaining account, checked my messages and then there was her telling me someone send money to me and apologized that she didn’t asked permission. What can I do at this point? Its not my money. When I opened the app and check, with an attached note from “Tmblr��, it poked my interest. Whats in tmblr? Why does people give her money this much? The other night, I created this account and searched for her name. I swear, my yawning was replaced with cold sweat, shaking hands and anxiety. The bitch has been scamming ppl! I saw Kyra45 post about her. I reached out. And I dig deep down to all these mess. Kyra45 informed me that my name, picture even my dog and my plant business in the Philippines was used in an account. I was livid, mortified and most of all, humiliated.

Tonight, what lead me to writing this is because I searched for my name in the search engine and I was dumbfounded. As a woman who is trying to make my life better, leaving my family to provide a better life? This is too much. My trust for this lady is broken, my image is broken. My identity was stolen. She made my brother dead, my family homeless and me going back and barely afford college.

I messaged her tonight, I informed her what I found out and how disappointed and disgusted I am to her doings, making profit out of our brothers and sisters in Palestine and Gaza. This behavior has a special spot in hell.

I apologize for all of you of what Laura Deramas has caused. Unfortunately, I cant make all your money come back. I will stopped my communication with her as I dont want to be a vessel of her scams. From the bottom of my heart, I am really sorry, I should’ve known better. May this be a lesson for all of us. Continue to be compassionate to others and keep spreading kindness.

Xoxo, Joanne

[freshie-owo]

I’m rereading piece by piece because it’s legitimately the best zenitsu fanfic ever and I wish there were more concepts like yours where he’s the biological child of the uzuis, (which, *rolls up sleeves*) and I have a very weird and maybe stupid question to ask you, but had Zenitsu grown up with the uzui’s do you think his hair still would have changed to golden? And if so, what do you think tengen/the wives reactions would be to that since it happened during training.

Do you think that they would have pulled a sanemi and went “no son (brother) of mine will be a demon slayer” or do you think, and I’m gonna specifically say tengen here because as a male in a shinobi clan it’s different from him to his wives, would have still encouraged zenitsu to be a demon slayer as sort of a way to preserve/pass down the shinobi culture of like, “passing the mantle” or something like that? Because in your fanfic it appears Tengen still has this “clan” mentality that comes out more so when Zenitsu was still rejecting his family.

And in general, do you think zenitus’s character would differ much from the one we seen in canon? Personally I don’t think his tendency for over dramatics would change much, but I do see him having more confidence than the canonical zenitsu we see, because whether he still does Thunder breathing, or because he was raised by his family, sound breathing, he’ll have more arsenal to defend himself, and general shinobi training. And that’s still only if he uses 1 breathing form from either of those breathing styles.

I hope this question isn’t annoying, but I’ve had such Uzui Zenitsu brainrot lately and I’d love to hear your thoughts! And love the fanfic btw! This is me in no way trying to pressure you but I’m so excited for future chapters with Zenitsu in the city and the conversations the Uzui’s are going to have with jigoro/gramps! I’m even curious as to if Kaigaku will show up!

Hello! Thank you so so so much I'm so glad you like the fic ;-;

I saw your other ask, too, please don't apologize lol I am always down to talk about Uzui Zenitsu because I, too, have the brainrot about him.

So, I do think that Zenitsu's hair would still end up golden. I have, of course, thought about an au of my au where Zenitsu doesn't go missing and grows up with the Uzuis. In it, I think Zenitsu would struggle to pick up sound breathing (as a result of his response to Tengen's teaching rather than his capability) and would end up going to Jigoro to learn thunder breathing. But like you said, I think Zenitsu would still be dramatic and would, maybe not for the same reasons, end up in the tree and get struck, thus changing his hair colour.

I think Uzui and the wives would freak out, but as Zenitsu never went missing I don't think they'd be quite as protective as I've set them in Piece by Piece, so I think they'd probably go see him and entertain his dramatics (and Tengen would go "how could you let this happen" to Jigoro), but ultimately once they see he IS okay besides the hair, things would be okay.

As for becoming a demon slayer, I think Zenitsu would have wanted to become one because he wants to be like Tengen. He'd still be afraid, but I agree that he'd be more confident. However, I think he would feel some pressure to be as impressive as his parents, and his drive to be a slayer would come from trying to achieve that rather than it stemming from Jigoro (though he would still, after meeting and training with him).

I think Tengen would be torn. Again, if Zenitsu hadn't gone missing, I think he'd be a little different, too. In Piece by Piece he's learning and growing alongside Zenitsu, and if Zenitsu hadn't gotten lost I think Tengen would have gotten to the point he is in my fic earlier and, as a result, be more mature and level-headed and less bogged down in the teachings of his past.

I think Tengen would be proud of Zenitsu for following in his parents' footsteps, but wanting Zenitsu to have a better - and likely longer - life than most demon slayers can achieve. But because Tengen doesn't want to control Zenitsu's life as his own father controlled his, I think Tengen would not want to tell him no/forbid Zenitsu from becoming one. I think Tengen would try to be supportive of Zenitsu and set him up for success via demon slayer and shinobi training (with the wives' help, of course), but, whether Zenitsu knows or not, he would also support Zenitsu if he chose another path.

As for Zenitsu, I absolutely think he would be more confident, but I think his confidence would be the type where he would come on strong and then it wanes the longer he's in a given situation, and then the dramatics come up per usual. They might be toned down a little, since his parents would probably try to temper it as he grows up, but I don't think he would be all that different. I do think he'd be spared from girlfriend debt, though, because I think Tengen would discourage him from dating until he's an adult lmao.

He'd definitely have shinobi training (started young but not as young as Tengen), but I don't think he'd be at the same level as his parents when they were his age, because I think they'd let Zenitsu pace himself and take time to pick up skills. I think he'd struggle with sound breathing but pick up more thunder breathing forms - and then I think, in a moment where he's down to the wire, he'd manage to pull off a sound breathing form by accident, and then he'd only have that one in his skill set.

I still don't think he'd learn all the thunder breathing forms in this situation, but I feel like he'd be better equipped to pick up more.

I hope all this make sense lol, many of these thoughts have been in my head for a while and I definitely just blurted them out in this reply. Sorry if this has been in my inbox for a long time - I'm usually on mobile and it never tells me when I get asks.

Thank you again for the ask, for your kind words about the fic, and for reading! I'm excited to get more chapters out :)

[bright-and-burning]

Okay wait. Wait wait wait. Do other vagina havers actually get so wet it <i>can run</i> down you? Am I a dry ass bitch?

well. oh my god writing this while various fire alarms go off across the building sporadically is going to make my brain explode. …insane tmi under the cut i guess (i presume this was prompted by my most recent fic lol)

i certainly. well ok TO BE CLEAR. full disclosure here. i wrote this fic based on my reaction to a line in one of @freeuselandonorris ‘s fics . where girl lando says something abt coming six times and tapping out, which made me snort because i have literally not found the upper bounds of orgasms personally and was kind of like lol tapping out at 6 that’s crazy i would go to bed still itching for more. and then i think i made promises abt writing fic based on limitless orgasms/not experiencing overstim, and this came out. so please bear in mind that a solid satisfying evening by myself for me is like. well i go thru a full vibrator of battery. sometimes more than one. (like i own two. that probs last 2hrs apiece.) AND also i am not like sexually active w any partners rn (due to the horrors . and also generally laziness) so idk. ymmv me and bestie dame products’ com r certainly getting along a lot better than me and the last person i slept with. and while i don’t keep count (bc it would be bonkers . w the numbers im putting up. i should try sometime tho it would certainly be interesting) i would probably put my average estimate at like. 15. maybe more. ok? just so we’re clear on where im coming (no pun intended) from.

so obviously that’s . a lot . and uh. yeah when i get up from that … the entire region is more than a little damp 😭 oscar’s experience towards the end there w being able to feel it dribbling/seeping/whatever down herself onto the bed is… inspired by real events. shall we say. same w the slick thighs . this may be a “i am a wet bitch” thing this may be a “this is just what happens when you come 17 times in a session” (jesus christ that sounds so aggressive when i type it out) thing OR this may be that you are, to use ur phrase 😭, a dry ass bitch. or some combo of the three. idrk that the average person w a vagina is out here like me getting fucking annoyed when it’s 2am and i just wanna pass out but the lower half of my body is so sticky drippy gross i gotta either shower or put on pants.

i mean, im no expert here. to be VERY clear. not an expert at all. double tmi (i said this earlier today in tags somewhere but w/e) the amount of time it’s been since i slept w someone is measured in years lol. so i can’t even really go oh well when i hooked up w HER— like girl the detail on that memory is GONE. others feel free to chime in fr; the inbox is open for visitors if the replies are a little too self exposing. even if it is the case that u r perhaps uh. dryer than average. if it’s working for u it’s working for u! if it’s really not working for u then maybe it’s a problem. this was such a non-answer but i hope me going oh no i think maybe im the outlier here (and thus the stuff i write that’s informed by said outlier experiences lol) was helpful???

[the-ninja-legacy-whip]

Re reading book 2 and I swear Jesse's first appearance is SO different from how he is now! He appears so Cool and secretive from the Dork I know now! How he walks with his hand in his pockets and talks to Cole or broke up the fight between Olivia and Kai! Did you decide to change his personality through the storie or is this just his true self that gets revealed after hanging out with the Ninja? because he seems to act more dorky with new people too now

"Okay, wait, wait, wait!" Nya exclaims, frantically poking at her bracelet. How can they just fight without analyzing the situation?! “We got a ping about the Shark Activity earlier, and—" "Oh! Yeah, that was, uh, me, actually," says Fuchsia, shrugging as he ducks under the swing of a chainsaw. "I was trying to wait around for help, but these guys were about to start attacking the arcade, so—yeah. I may have jumped the gun a bit.” Fuchsia shrugs with a wide grin, yelping as he swerves away from a swinging morning star. 

. . .

"WAAAAAAAAA!" wails Fuchsia on his way down, still screaming even when he lands in Cole's arms. When he finally catches the amused way Cole's staring at him, Fuchsia coughs and abruptly turns away. "Ahahaha. Um, well…nice catch?" "Thanks. You weren't so bad yourself out there," Cole says, smiling with his eyes. "You're okay, right?" Fuchsia blinks, hoping his blush can't be seen behind his mask. "I, er, uh…yeah! Fine! Totally fine! Super fine. Fine as fine can be!"

. . .

“…I’m sorry, I have a tendency to creep up on people unexpectedly. I didn’t mean to scare you,” the boy laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. “My name’s Jesse Marvell, and I was looking to be the new secretary, if you'll have me.” “You seem a bit…sneaky to be a secretary,” Zane says bluntly. Jesse sticks out his tongue. “Aw come on, don’t be like that! I really can’t help it! But besides that, I am pretty good with people, and organizing things, and memorizing stuff, honest! And, you never know…” Jesse spins around once, stopping only to strike a pose. “…I just might surprise you!”

...nah, always been a giant dork. Though he just has less incentive to try and hide that about him as time goes on (especially because Cole finds it endearing shgfhgfds)

That being said, I did reaaaaally struggle with early!Jesse because I wasn't even sure I could sell anyone on his character (and I kind of had to give myself space to backpedal if it didn't pan out), but sometime in April '22 I just decided to fully commit to the bit because I loved what he brought to the table and doubled down on just going ham with him when I could, and look at us now :V

Also he only reason he broke up that fight with Kai and Olivia was because he was annoyed with them snjhhgfdjhgf (and the meta reason was to let people know he was also in that class lol), BUT it also started the precedent of him acting as the group mediator, as seen in the True Potential Arc (post-Zane and during Cole's), and various points vs the Great Devourer.

And I mean, something similar happened with Olivia–she was far more "cold and calculating" in Book 1, but after her dynamic with Kai kinda took off, she's become the loud, abrasive, snarky individual we know now...and that's why Bridget now exists, to fill in the more analytical aspects of Olivia's role that would've died otherwise T-T)9

Anyway anyway, back to Jesse, I started writing all those sidestories about him to give myself a better foundation for his character even if most of them are Cole-related and to help anchor down the direction I wanted to take with him. Supplementing an existing character's growth is one thing; trying to do it from scratch? Exceedingly intimidating.

But, all has seemed to have gone well! And if nothing else, at least there's visible growth/change! :D

(...and it's not like he isn't still secretive–Kai's onto him for that much ;P)

[souwrrr]

also!!!!! im super duper intrigued by tartaglias whole story its actually really interesting i wish he got more screen time in chapter iv 🙁🙁 i saw this REALY good animatic about his experience in the abyss and stuff with the fatui abd all the awful stuff hes been through !!! it was genuinely so cool but its also kinda what brought me back into this game and i am not happy abt it

i kinda wonder abt childes opinions on all of the other harbingers as well as his battle hunger?? he realllyy idolizes getting stronger and fighting everything and everyone he can and its definitely bc of skirk and what had happened in the abyss that mustve been hell for him

i also wonder what he would do if teucer and tonia found out about all the people he has hurt??? ofc he has done SO much to help them and keep them safe and ig if traveler can overlook it so can they but i do wanna see a genuine reaction from them.... i also want to see their reaction to the damage tartaglias delusion has done to him!! considering he went back to ice kingdom or whatever after his fight with that whale, wouldnt they have seen him in his weakened state ?? honestly hes prob really good at hiding it as a means to not scare his siblings since he cares for them so much. i wonder why childe continues using his delusion despite its danger? like he even gave traveler his vision before trying to pick a fight with clorinde but he kept his delusion? i mean i get that the vision was malfuctioning but the delusions is really. Bad. i wonder if he thinks its worth it because it makes him so much more powerful?

okay back to opinions on other fatui... scara doesnt seem to respect him all that much? idk about the knave their voice overs about each other are interesting but theyve interacted pretty positively and even trash talked other fstui members LOL since its pretty obvious thry dont trust each other that much i guess they just have to pretend to like each other but id like to think they get along in unique ways.... but scara said that they all use each other for benefit so he kind of admitted it wasnt so good. i remember the first impression players had of him was that he was super strong and important and stuff (not that he isnt!!!!!!) but he is still the eleventh harbinger .... so i guess thats why hes looked down on so much and seen as reckless (but thats also just bc he is.....) i am glad that we still get more interactions w him but lowkey i think he is going to die soon and i seriously do not like that he 😭😭😭😭 hes a character i genuinely have come to like!! at least 4 now

i wish i paid more attention to him earlier on in the game bc i would always just get pissed off everytime he said anything bc i likd many at the time that he was an annoying ed sheeran water guy and i am so embarrassed i thought that for SO LONG i think i was annoyed bc everyone had a crush on him or at least a few people i didnt like being obsessed with him and not even his story just how he looks brah like come ONNNN i might have more thoughts in the future but these are a few for neow

[craw-dacious]

The things I did by Lolo-ro fic review

Chapter by chapter, until i got distracted by the story lol.

Still fairly new to marauders but am loving it.

summary review: I truly adored this fic, probably my fave Wolfstar so far. I thought the worldbuilding was fantastic, as well as the characterization of baby Harry. Fairly angsty, but with plenty of fluff to make up for it. The raising Harry idea is becoming one of my favorite tropes, and this fic did an amazing job of weaving parenthood into a world that is still filled with complexities and evil, as well as lives outside of the main characters.

SPOILERS BELOW BEWARE

Chapter One

Again, the aftermath for Remus is getting me

So so so sad, and him believing Sirius innocent  makes it worse

The traitor shit is horrible to deal with emotionally im sure

I am upset to realize just how much remus ignored harry in the books/canon

Like thats ur nephew fr come onnnn

Chapter Two

Aw he’s doing a good job as a dad

This fic is making him out to be very forgetful, fully forgot about both harry and Sirius

The pacing is much more clear in this which I enjoy quite a bit

Cutesy Christmas, cutesy harry

ALSO I LOVED THE HAGRID MOMENT

I do feel like we need to get the Weasleys involved tbh baby Ron and Harry is PEAK

Chap 3

Pls dont let that annoying ass bitch be important, if theyre in trouble bc of this shit ill kms

Shut up Hagrid he needs everything he wants his parents ARE dead brother

Okay actually I like that annoying ass bitch a lot, this is very good

I guess he actually is spoiling him tbf

Ok so he’s actually forgetful as fuck. Forgot Harry’s birthday, forgot about Sirius AGAIN.

Like actually what is going on is his brain damaged

This chapter has been depressing

The fight IN AZKABAN how will this turn into legit wolfstar if they are so mad they fight WHILE SIRIUS IS IMPRISONED

But also he didn’t talk to a single person for 12 years in canon im gonna kms

Marauders is making me realize just how shitty and sad canon was bruh, remus and Sirius were like ALONE, obvie remus did shit and wasn’t a complete waste but its just so SAD

OKAYYYY I TOLD Y’ALL I LOVE A GOOD MOODY MOMENT

Literally obsessed with alastor moody he’s so fucking cool and we BARELY KNEW HIM in the books because of FUCKING CROUCH

This chapter was incredible, good baby harry, good angst, good FIGHT (love romantic arguments, make me nostalgic) (imy [REDACTED] we fought so cutey)

Ok I think I complained earlier about this, but it’s important for there to be conflict and issues when there’s this much trauma. Great plot choice. Also makes it 20x more interesting

Fuck Peter. I fucking hate Peter.

Chapter 4

Ugh stupid muggles messing everything up

Someone should try to kill them all off or something idk they’re getting in the way

But this is shaping up to have some LEGAL ISSUES which I LOVE because im a fucking NERD <33333

Harry is so cute. I actually prefer this to the last baby Harry bc he has sm more personality.

Almost forgot the meat of this chapter omg its good im getting distracted

Sirius and Harry together was a NEED bruh actually so cute

And I talked to you kate about this earlier but remus has been different in other fics and I do kinda like him in this one, he’s more depressed and stressed than normal, but the forgetfulness almost lends itself to aloofness in a way that fits him

I very much appreciated him being so kind to Sirius. While I understand him being pissed at him for thinking he’s a traitor, the man is in Azkaban, like you’ve got to chill out, talk to him about this stuff when you have more than 15 minutes and less dementors

Anyway that scene was nice, I like the idea of their little family

Chappy 5

Good shit again

THIS is the perfect chapter length, not so long I forget what happens but no so short I have to stop reading every five seconds to review

The werewolf prejudice is a big thing in this fic, im not sure how I feel about it. Obviously from an equality standpoint, werewolves should be seen as human. Yet, there is something to the idea that the actual transformed wolf is very dangerous. I’m worried the wolfsbane study will be viewed as Remus “hiding himself” or something like that, when it should be viewed as a solution to the one thing holding werewolves back.

This can’t be compared to real life discrimination. You can’t be like “so you hate minorities” because none of the minorities I know turn into wolves once a month bruh

Anyway, Dumbledore being morally grey-ish, making mistakes but always anti-voldy. He’s such an interesting character. I like his presence in the book as well. Hagrid should come back soon he’s so nice.

Chap 6

Permanent pass <3, so cute. Having to abandon muggle friends? Not cute. Fuck Dumbledore, but only like a little

Not a dumby stan or hater tbh hes just a little silly in both directions

I’m so conflicted on this situation. Yes, it SUCKS that Sirius thought remus was the spy, but it’s not necessarily damning. It’s likely he convinced himself of it because it was the most painful option so it must’ve been the truth. It seems like fear, almost, and jealousy of the wolves over him? Might be over analyzing and overomanticizing but that is what im seeing atm.

The teaching position goes fucking CRAZY man, If remus was my history teacher my life would be GOLDEN

Do you think remus lupin would be a good addition to upper H hall yes or no

Chapter 7

Jesus fuck I forget how sad all this shit is sometimes

To begin with, the teaching position seems great. I do wish Remus would understand that he’s qualified for it

Speaking of teachers, I would love to see who the DADA teacher is, I know its not permanent but still fun

Anyway, I think 7 kids would be the end of me. I love children, and I still relate to Remus far more than Arthur in that scene, there’s actually no fucking way.

Like yes give me a shot I cannot do it, the strong drink joke was a good cover because I am sure its Arthurs greatest desire

Also, love him just dropping interest about muggles, would love to see that chat actually play out but it seems unimportant

But maybe it’ll be how he catches worm tail …

Azkaban visit was good, Sirius is being less racist, and Remus is being kind. Wish they would love each other again already but slow burn wins <3

Also you could just tell that Sirius missed harry, very cute

Chapter 8

Heart hurts, poor Sirius 

I said that remus should be nicer

Chapter 9

Okay, information has been gained

Sorry for short 8 summary

So Sirius FORGOT that he and remus broke up, which is CRAZY

There’s a whole lot of forgetting in this fic im realizing, very relatable

I would actually kill myself

I’m sitting here pondering how I would react in this situation and genuinely tweaking just imagining it

He needs to go break it off with him, he can explain, there’s not really another option for him. If he maintains this it’s going to end poorly. I’m assuming he’s going to do that anyway, as it creates the most drama and is fantastic for the plot

I do think Remus is underestimating the importance of being taken even somewhat seriously by the Wizengamot. I know it’s not what he fully wanted but it’s legitimate progress.

Chapter ten

WHAT DID I SAY HE’S NOT GONNA TELL HIM

This chapter INFURIATED ME

Also im gonna start skipping chapters bc otherwise the review will be long asf

Snape is a piece of work, obviously. Like Remus isn’t being shitty to you and you were a fucking death eater man. Also he despises children which is a red fucking flag

Just let him pet your stupid cat motherfucker

Unless its secretly regulus as an animagus that would be sick asf I saw fan art the other day where he was a cat and it was good

Moving on, im appreciating the slow burn on discovering Peter. Like they easily could have discovered him 3 chapters ago when remus was first there. 

Chapter 11 & 12

The enchanted parchment

Leaving him on delivered is crazy actually

Literally reads exactly like the GHP texts between me and [REDACTED] LMAO

“I guess I’ll talk to you later, assuming you’re at soccer, imy!!”

Actually devastated reading this im going to be honest

Lots of shit going down, forgetting and memory issues are such an interesting plot device, it makes any part of the story unreliable, and confuses the reader just a little bit. It also creates a lot of dramatic irony, which can often be very sad and tragic

Also, order members calling voldy “Voldemort” all high and mighty is a bit strange considering that they all chewed harry out about calling him “He Who Shall Not be Named”

Snape stole the parchment read it and slipped a potion into lupins chocolate that he would give to Sirius to sabotage their relationship

Bc Dumbledore told Snape everything as his extra special spy obviously

Ok so I was wrong it was dementors again. And remus told Sirius about the breakup. Which is, the right thing to do I guess

This is so hard for everybody man, Sirius’ perspective is heartbreaking

At least it shows his chats with dumby, who happens to be the funniest person in this fic

Chapters 13 & 14

Reconciliation came a bit too easily but thats alright, I want them to be happy

The amount I would give to receive a cat for Christmas. I want that so bad bruh.

Ok at least they’re acknowledging how bad Remus is with dates

Okay him being a dog seems helpful, I do feel like that should have been noticed a while ago

Honestly am feeling a bit lost in the romance, long distance pining is not my fave but hopefully Sirius will be freed before long and they can be happy for once.

I just am so curious as to why they broke up, I know thats the point but it just doesn’t make sense

Also ignore my random theories I keep throwing about, I dont actually believe snapes cat is regulus or that Snape poisoned Sirius its just fun

Chapters 15-16

They explained the plan so I know it will go horribly wrong

HELL FUCKING YEAH THEY GOT HIM THAT SNEAKY LITTLE CUNT HATE THAT MOTHERFUCKER FUCK PETER I HATE PETER

Still not happy. I dont know what I expected

2 chapters and they’ll kiss, im expecting a huge fight in chapter 17

Chapters 17-20

Ok this is strange. The relationship dynamic has developed very differently than I thought it would. They really need to figure out this memory I’m sure it all a misunderstanding or some stupid shit like that

Someone thought someone else killed somebody else

Also why is this so mirroring to me and [REDACTED] from like July forward

Distant over text/parchment, not allowed to say I love you, basically only physical, guilt for things I couldn’t remember

Except for the baby and trauma and everything

Last fic was me and remus being the same this time it’s Sirius. When am I going to consume content and not think about [REDACTED] again Im tired of him being in my brain

Chap 21-22

KATE I TOLD YOU NO I LOVE YOU FICS I HATE THIS

I also talked about [redacted] with ppl for like an hour and a half last night it was terrible

Did it again the next night bro why is that rat still in my head

23-24

The memories are throwing me for a loop. On the one hand, everything is devastatingly sad. On the other hand, they’re all being emo and need to get it together

Sirius getting “lost in his memories” is a cool idea though, I’m liking the new magic thats being explored in this fic

I need them to have a huge blowup fight. Like a massive fight that sucks and is terrible. I don’t know how they’d do it but I need it

Also I think I can take one more “oh poor Sirius” memory until I blow my brains out. Big whoop your plan failed and you were insecure about it, I’d reach out to the closest person to blame to. I blamed [REDACTED] for not winning an award at model un, not his fault. Sirius can blame Remus for his plan failing and have a moody moment then move on, trust can be rebuilt.

Last five chapters

Ok everything is happy again and the reunion went FANTASTIC

The one thing I feel like I haven’t commented on enough in this fic is Snape

His character is well done, he’s so mean and bitchy but not like completely evil which is just hilarious, I love his and Remus’s dynamic its very good

I also think his relationship with Harry is funny, and I’m glad it’s not as shitty as it started out.

“Harry, friendly and bright-eyed, took the opportunity of silence to lean onto the counter, put his face right up to the goblin’s, and say, “Meow.”

Remus pulled Harry off the counter, embarrassed, and plopped him on the ground. “Don’t meow at people, love.”

That is actually the silliest cutest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life. Literally would birth a child rn bc of how cute that is. Jesus fucking christ bruh

Can they stop making out in public. Like in front of one other person in public. Its so awk

I KEEP TRYING TO GIVE KUDOS THIS IS LIKE SUGAR BRUH SO SWEET

My criticisms are growing though, there are a few things im concerned about but im gonna finish the story before I discuss

Why can I not escape my Draco phase. One sentence about “the little Malfoy” and harry going on playdates and I RUSH to think about how that changes their school dynamic and how they treat each other and all this shit

Looks like they’re leaving some loose ends on purpose, telling not showing a lot here at the end tbh

I WANT A CHILD HE’S SO CUTE

This is the first time ive actually been obsessed with a child character hes ADORABLE

Gonna read the epilogue before writing my final review, but don’t want to take it in for my review

FINAL REVIEW:

Ok. Done. Having to write this a day after finishing because I fell asleep right after

My favorite parts

ANGST: very well done, miscommunication can sometimes be overdone but I feel like it worked this time. I loved how easily apparent the love that was still there was. 

Humor: This fic made me laugh out loud multiple times. This was mostly Harry, but there were a couple of moments from the doctor guy and Arthur that made me giggle

CHILD: literally have never seen a child portrayal that was this good. Like literally from beginning to end it was good. I’m sure some people would read this fic and say 2 yo harry is too advanced, but he’s so bright and I feel like growing up with Remus would breed him to be a talker. The accuracy of the 8 yo and 11 yo at the end was good as well, it ticks me off when people fuck up ages of a child, especially one so parenting-focused as this

Depth of world building: I could truly see this world, like I understood the flat, I understood the weasleys, I understood the dorm at Hogwarts. The scene at their graves, everything was great.

Now my weaknesses

Some underdeveloped plots

Peter: they brought up having to talk to him, made it a big deal with getting a memory and then just abandoned it and said “remus had the perfect memory.” Then, the memory was SO MUNDANE. I’m sure the author just fucked up and had to figure something out, which is fine, just was a little dissapointing.

Poison: this is another where I think the plot just ran away from the author, but I was expecting something more than “Sirius asked them to fix it and they did”

Some(?) characterizations

Remus was perfect. Sirius was a little too nice, he’s volatile and little bitt crazy and I got less of that in this fic. Sometimes it was perfect. This isn’t really a criticism, more “it could be a little better”

Overall: 8.3/10

I truly adored this fic, probably my fave wolfstar so far. However, I know this is just because I love children and loved baby harry so much, so my rating is attempting to be unbiased.

[randomahjummafan]

My Secret Romance

My Secret Romance is a 2017 drama that I just watched now. Lol. So this is about Cha Jin Wook and Lee Yoo Mi who had one night stand and meeting up three years later. SPOILERS UP AHEAD.

Lee Yoo Mi is a nutrionist who started working in Daebok Group. Cha Jin Wook is the heir of the Daebok Group. You know what happens next right? Of course they would meet. But not immediately. This happened three years after they shared one night together.

Well, this is drama has too much feels. Too much kilig, too much cuteness, too funny, and a little bit of annoyance. So it's the perfect drama for me. You can expect sweet kisses. Yes, I felt again the sweet kisses. You can see some cute kiligs whenever Jin Wook is smiling because of Yoo Mi. I also find it all their moments together cute. Even though sometimes, they made me cry, JUST MAKE UP WITH EACH OTHER PLEASE!!!! Jin Wook is also funny because of those slow-mo scenes when he's walking around a few people. Yes he's handsome but it's funny! It was also funny when he's trying to recreate his looks and some small stuff that has something to do when they spend the day (and night of course) together. Any, Yoo Mi is so strong, I admire her. Even though she's, I think, the clumsiest character I ever watched. I love how Yoo Mi can also be honest to her bestfriend, Jung Hyun Tae when he confessed. I love how Hyun Tae and Yoo Mi's relationship wasn't tarnished after he confessed. That's how it should work!!! Then we have Joo Hye Ri who's really annoying at the start but then she just really needs to find someone who would feel the same for her. It was so cute when she finally found someone for her. I find Secretary Jang always funny. He was indeed the best person to be beside Jin Wook. I also like her fling with one of the cooks. They were funny. THE OST ARE ALSO GOOD!!!!

My rating would be 9/10. To be exact, I don't think something is missing. Well maybe except for the fact that Chairman Cha wanted a grandchild that he can also post on sns. I even wanted to see that actually. Also, I wanted to see where Yoo Mi and Jin Wook would be together at Jin Wook's mother's restaurant. So, why isn't it perfect? Because why wouldn't these two confess at an earlier time? I mean, it's okay to break up, I just hope they had more time that they were officially dating. But not that I am complaining for all those kilig moments. I love it. Joo Hye Ri is right all time that hard to get people are annoying. Lol. Although there were fights between Yoo Mi and her Mom, I liked how her mom pushed Yoo Mi. Though whenever her mom opens her mouth, it's like a bomb. People may really judge about being an erotic actress or one night stand, but I have to agree on what Yoo Mi's mother said on her last interview. Also, I have to say, THERE WERE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS DRAMA WHO WRRE ALSO IN THE DRAMA ONE PERCENT OF ANYTHING. Jeon Seo Min made a cameo, Jin wook's mother, the kitchen staffs (YES THE FOUR OF THEM), then Yoo Mi's mother actress friend. Also the guy host. If I missed someone I'm sorry. Even the drama one percent of anything was shown lol. This drama is recommended for people who wants to laugh, to cry, to be annoyed, and to feel love. Thumbs up! Oh btw, don't skip after you see those pictures like the episode has ended. Don't!!! There's still more lol watch it!

Here are some stills that I love from the drama. Again, there is too much!! I had to choose only three lol

Ahjumma

[samsspambox]

howdy! i did a thing!

tw: medical procedures

i think i've mentioned this before on here but i've been having stomach issues for years (i legit dry heave after every meal. and when i get nervous/any strong emotion. it's so annoying) and i finally got my doctor to refer me over to a gastroenterologist. so! after a 15 minute visit in november, i was scheduled for a Upper Endoscopy, which happened earlier today at a hospital!

now, i've been lucky enough to never be admitted to the hospital before, so this was a first for me. i was scared shitless. that and it was cold, so i couldn't stop trembling LMAO

anyway! i had to go under for a few hours and it was the weirdest experience of my life. and also had some funny bits lol.

when they first hooked me up to a heart monitor, my heart rate Would Not Go Down. it wouldn't fall under 120. the nurse was like 'deep breaths' and i wanted to laugh bc i am an Anxious Person. 120 was as low as it was gonna get LOL. it'd always spike when someone new entered the room too, which was the funniest thing. the person who came to help with my IV was like 'are you okay'? yeah, i was okay. just nervous and scared lol. the IV guy was so nice and even tho he had trouble finding my vein, he only stabbed me once. thank you IV guy.

when the anesthesiologist came in, it was so funny too.

anesthesiologist: do you have any anxiety or depression

me: yes

anesthesiologist: ...one or the other?

me: oh! whoops, both. sorry about that.

and then came the time that they actually put me under. it was so weird. the doctor hadn't even finished saying 'you might feel a little burning' when i just clonked out. the whole world started bubbling and i went 'oh this is weird' and bam, i was asleep. granted i think only having 3 hours of sleep on me helped LMAO

i ended up coming to in recovery! and fairly quickly too, i think they were just finished moving the bed to the spot when i started talking even if my throat was sore. which was also another funny interaction in my opinion LMAO

me, still mildly out of it: is it over?

nurse: it is. you just rest up and then we'll move you to another room.

me: my mom is in the waiting room, can she come in?

nurse: i'm afraid not, sweetie.

me: okay. thank you for taking care of me

nurse: you're welcome. would you like a blanket?

me: yes please, thank you.

let it be known that i am a polite camper!! look at me, using my manners LMAOO

idk how long i actually spent in recovery since i was still mildly out of it and i didn't have my watch or phone on me. they wheeled me out into another recovery room with a heated chair and plopped me down and then got me apple juice, which i was hella stoked about. they then called my mom and she walked into the room, but at this point i was much more lucid and happily eating a graham cracker.

me, looking at my mom who's looking for the room i'm in: oh! ma! hello!!

mom, hearing me and walking over: ay mija! what did they do to you? you're all pale!

me: really? i feel fine though

mom: yes really, you're pale!

me: hey at least i'm awake and conscious enough to tell you how to get out the parking lot

mom: you're right

and then i got discharged, but had to wait a little bit bc my mom got lost inside the hospital and had just made it to the car when they sat me on the wheelchair (a wheelchair!! pushed by a nurse!!! idk i was just very surprised bc i felt like i would walk it on my own and i know it was policy but huh!!) and then we went home at around 9. for context i was at the hospital since 6am, and the last time i was able to check time was at 7:20-ish, so i was out a solid hour and a half.

and then when we got home i crashed and then ate some soup.

this experience was weird. going under was an interesting experience. i hope i never have to do that ever again LMAO.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

Ohhhhh lowk almost forgot about that whole thing but SHSSHSHS I’m ngl I was/am so confused about whatever that was about rika eating shit was so I’m just gonna leave it okay then akutami (also just saw this autocorrected to Akita in a prev ask whoops)

HAHSH someone on the tumblr team make a bug fix update pls….

Wait lowk hiiragis visuals truly give historical drama LMAO ofc our majestic king yuki too!! I bet if you asked otoya about his hair he’d say something like “yeah my ninja disappearing arts are so strong that most of my hair turned white and one strip turned green so I can hide in grass” jk this is kinda non-hollyhock dumbass otoya coded but anyways

OMG WAIT YEAH THIS IS NEW NEWS LMAOAOAOA pauseeee reader girlbossing and using her big brain ofc otoya thinks he’s rizzing her LMAOOO him becoming the rizzee is so funny too THE APA CITATIONS HAVE ME CRYING LMAPSOSKOD wait speaking of i forgot to ask this way earlier but I’ve always wondered about the reasoning behind your user LOL

JUSTIN BIEBER THEME 2k event is choose a jb meme and get a fic BAHAH the way I also kinda avoided the belieber crew too but I also just didn’t gaf about him his gif memes now are just too funny

TIKTOK BINGE SESSION COMMENCING

HAKKK this is reminding me I should pickup the manga again (I only stopped because I forgot when it came out because it’s monthly shshsbsiwksn) I’m crying the Inumaki one LMAOOO I fr slapped my hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing that was fr us the dude bringing up the recorder has me laughing so hard

MEGUMIII wait the one with chase Atlantic really hits hard omg…..also glad he’s alive though SJHDJSBD

IM CRYING WHAT IS THAT AUDIO AND WHY DOES IT SOUND LIKE SONIC AIAHSHAHAHDBS

omg the mahito edit…but wait you’re so real for that actually every time I go to scro through old TikTok’s I see like 1 for every 5 are deleted or unavailable it’s kinda crazy (crazy annoying)

- Karasu anon

LMAOO i think it’s been a popular theory for a while so i was just kinda like eh okay and moved on without questioning it too much LKSDJFSJ at that point i was truly only reading text leaks in order to know what was going on but i wasn’t invested enough to actually care about what was happening so i didn’t even question it LKSJFH

RIGHT honestly get hiiragi out of bllk he doesn’t even contribute anything there he was meant to be a vaguely sinister manhwa character with beautiful visuals KLJSDFDK omg wait ig that’s another character with the black hair and purple eyes combo…tbh his color palette is actually really pretty it was fr wasted on him i wish they had given it to someone else 😩 LMAO not the ninja disappearing arts…unfortunately yeah hollyhock otoya is more sassy and sharp as opposed to being a dumbass it’s the only story of mine where he’s not lowkey an idiot

OKAY GOOD i was like 99% sure i hadn’t told you but then i was like “wait maybe i did” HAHA but yeah reader lowkey gagged him there she ate with that 😭 omg username lore!! there really isn’t much behind it ngl…my first name irl (mira is just a pseudonym hehe although ngl it’s not that different from my actual name) if you mispronounce it based on how it’s written phonetically ends up sounding like part of the mickey mouse clubhouse theme song so when i was in like middle school and we’d have roll calls and the substitutes would say my name wrong people would always tease me by singing the song and it became my trademark?? to the point that everyone always called me either mickey mouse, [my actual name] mouse, or mouse/mousey HAHA they mostly stopped after middle school but even still everyone from high school knows that that’s my thing hence the “mickey” part and then the berry is just because i have an ethnic-ish last name and once a guy read it as berry instead of what it actually is LMAOOO hence the berry so that’s where i got mickeyberry but then mickeyberry without any numbers was taken on ao3 i think so i added in the 1 and 3 to make it m1ckeyb3rry and that’s the story pretty much HAHA

PLSSS omg that would actually be hilarious no one would get it but it would be funny to US…justin bieber x bllk collab when??

hak my man omg he’s so perfect i love him…and MEGUMIII ahh i miss him sm and i miss being into him/jjk as much as i used to be 😓 HELP THAT NANAMI EDIT MEME THING IS SO ICONIC I LOVE IT IDEK WHERE THE AUDIO IS FROM BUT I REFERENCE IT CONSTANTLY i literally had to stop because people had no idea what i was talking about and i sounded insane saying it but it’s so funny KDSLJFHSK and yeahhh bro like all of my old saved edits are gone now it’s so tragic i always wonder what happened to the people who made them 🙁

[sincelastsession]

My fucking God.

You know every day I wake up and I'm like maybe today will be a better day and it will be cool and nothing stupid will happen.

And every day I am proven wrong recently and this is not a cognitive distortion because all shit I am dealing with so many insane things and I feel like I'm a goddamn magnet for it and I don't think that there's a psychological or therapeutic explanation for why this keeps happening at this time I feel like I'm legitimately cursed LOL.

Like I have surpassed being upset to the point of hysterical laughing like I would do at a funeral usually.

So last night was insane and my neighbor went off on the other neighbor and I called corporate earlier that day because of the nightmare neighbors and she called corporate and wrote them a letter and sent them a picture and told them she was gonna send it all to the news station if they didn't take care of it and went to the office and tore them new assholes Because they kept telling me I was the only one that cared about it and was reporting the situation so she went up there to defend me and tell them they'd better get it straight.

But wait there's more!

So I had a stupid argument with my partner and it was his asshole response and I will maybe have to read that to you because I don't want to post it here but I think I handled myself okay there are some things that I need help learning about how to deal with certain types of confrontation obviously. Because I fawned when I should have bitten his head off. He did apologize for his bullshit and took accountability for it though. I am still mad at him though I have forgiven him and I have not heard from him since he apologized so I guess he is working on whatever the fuck is going on with him that caused him to be a snappy bitch. And I don't mean to insult my partner I am just super fucking exhausted and flabbergasted at my life in general and kind of a crab and a snappy bitch myself but currently I'm just like hysterically laughing at all the dumb fucking shit.

And I would love for this to be in order but I can't get my brain to put anything in order at all and it's annoying and I don't like it and Early wanna be on medication for this and my psychiatrist is unreasonable and terrified of the medical board and it's stupid because it would not even be high-dose it would be a baby baby dose of the medication and it worked before before my other psychiatrist died and there was no problem in the medical board did not spank him. Unfortunately he just passed away And I had to scramble to find Somebody. And I don't hate my current psychiatrist but he needs to work on how he talks to people or something because I always feel like he's staring into my soul and trying to cut me down and catch me in some sort of lie when I'm not even lying about anything and it's weird and he told me fraudian things that were also like wildly out of the box and so II don't know I don't know how to deal with these new doctors They aren't like new as in young but new as in new to me even though I've seen him quite a few times now but like Jesus Christ just totally not anywhere near my last psychiatrist rest in peace.

Anyway what else has happened o jesus

So after my neighbor reported the bullshit today to the office and raised hell and took up for me.

There was still more dumb bullshit but I did not have time to call and report it and report children creeping around my properthree making noises and screaming and talking about hurting my animals and all sorts of shit and I found out that none of those kids other than one girl is a resident of that apartment because the office doesn't know how to keep any information private about its tenants.

So all of the other children do not belong to this woman.

I want to my primary care Doctor today she is very concerned about my health it looks like I am having a load of different problems and possibly a another new immune disorder. I have a ton of blood work to get done. A whole entire button of tubes like I'm talking they're probably going to takeAt least 8 tubes of blood and I'm probably going to need to bring some juice with me and a snack or something they might as well just take a blood bag.

Anyway my primary care is extremely worried about my stress levels and I told her that I've been talking with you and that I've been working as hard as I can on coping with the stress of everything going on and it seems to be one thing after another regardless if I try to do absolutely nothing or if I tried to get up and get things done. We have established that it is not cognitive distortions running the show it is just literally I'm not having a good time and dumb things are happening. And I'm having lots of health issues because of all of it and probably just genetic factors.

I have to wear this silly little heart monitor till the 30 and I hate it and it hurts and I want to rip it off of my chest right now because it's itching like fuck and I'm allergic to Many types of adhesive. And I have to mail this damn thing back on the 30th if I can remember God help me.

And what else is going on let me think because 3 million things happened today yes I'm exaggerating.

So all day I was on and off the phone with my neighbor because well I was off getting things done and seeing my Doctor and visiting someone all chaos has broken loose at the apartment complex.

So I decided that since I went to the Doctor I did not want to go directly home because every time I step foot outside home all the people in apartment 60 come outside and start saying things to me and this is legitimately happening and the office doesn't believe me and I have ordered a security camera and it will be put up.

Also I found out that my dad went to high school with the owner of all the patrician management properties and he will be talking to the man about remedying the entire situation and I am to be moved in September and he will also ask him if he can help find me a nice quiet safe place to stay so I can work on my therapy and everything will be OK hopefully God damn it Like this better work because I am so close to losing it right now like I'm laughing and trying not to fuck up writing this because I'm not even stoned right now I'm just in hysterics because this is like nonsense world.

OK so I went to the Asian market after the Doctor appointment and I was looking for a broom and a few other things that are healthy if you eat the right things and I lost a pound or 2 but I'm also holding a ton of water weight and my doctor's gonna look into what's going on and send me to a gastroentestinal Doctor and whatever other doctors we talked about today I can't even remember at this point I'm so fucking tired. Because like I have cut my calories because I'm not as active and I can't go swimming the pool because people in apartment 60 have taken it over every single day even during the rain today and it keeps turning Kermit the frog green so I can't do my low impact swimming exercises And every time I leave my apartment I get called a fat bitch and all sorts of things from children probably under the age of 12 but I'm not quite sure how old they are. And I don't know if children in this situation where I'm not seeing an exchange of money but there's always a large group at the apartment from 9 of them to 12 of them at a time or more.

I think it might be time to work with you and talk to CPS and see if they can investigate the situation because they are often left outside without an adult present and that is against our apartment rules and I think it's illegal if there's no one over the age of 16 with them.

Because you know what they fucked with the wrong one they fucked with the wrong 1 I know too many people in this city And I have figured out their little fucking game and I am gonna WRECK their little game if they don't quit. No violence involved. But first I need to write a formal letter and I'm bad at doing that so I'm trying to figure out how to do that. If you have any resources on how to do that and you want to email it to me please do I'm not really seeing your emails and I'm a little aggravated about that not at you but I don't know if like my Google account is just filtering it into spam or something else. I do have another email account that I might have to switch over to forgetting emails from you.

By the way completely off-topic I still would like to do the disassociative disordered testing and any other testing you want to go ahead and do on me I will gladly do it I wanna find out if there's anything else going on before we Proceed with my therapy and working towards my goals.

I also visited Travis and his parents for a little while today and his mother sweet and gave me some sage advice and told me to rest 43 days and do nothing but take care of myself and whatever I want to do and I didn't have the heart to tell her that it is far too loud and insane over here for me to do that so I just thanked her for the advice she's a very nice lady she plays it law Davina a lot I don't know if you've ever seen her play but she's wonderful she used to be in this punk band called your mom. But they disbanded because they had grandchildren.

Anyway yeah Doctor's appointment I'm not doing great I don't like that that's going on I probably should sign a piece of paper so you can talk to my primary care if you'd like to I don't mind. She did ask how therapy was going and I told her it seemed to be going all right and she asked your name again so I think it might be a good idea for you guys to be able to talk if need be.

Anyway soyesterday I visited Travis's parents and said goodbye to travis because he went to bed early I was driving home and my parents blew my phone up

Because my father apparently got home and thought he heard my sister crying screaming because of the fact that her fiance broke up with her over text and he went to knock on her door and then opened the door.... And caught her having sex with her Ex fiancée's best friend in my childhood bedroom...

So my parents were texting me asking me for help with that situation because my sister is flipping out and completely out of control I have found so much shit out in the past 24 hours of what she's been up to and I'm sure there's more and she really really needs to go to a facility. And my parents tried to get me to call her and speak to her or go grab her and bring her to my apartment and I told them hell no.

I partially raised her because they didn't do shit just like they didn't do shit with me. I warned her not to do a whole bunch of stupid things which she has done I warned her about a lot. I told her not to do the dumb thing. I told my parents she's going to do these things and she is doing these things and they blew me off and they told me I was just trashing her and I hated her and made up all these stupid little lies that were not true and so Piper thinks that I hate her or something.

Communicating with both of them and my sister is like playing the worst grade school game of telephone ever.

My dad called me begging me to try and talk to her because she was freaking out and screaming him and cursing him out and it's his house and I had to remind him that it's his house and he could have just called him or the police or just told her to get the fuck out.

And I got bothered so much that I sent text messages back to everybody to leave me the hell alone and that they were crossing major boundaries especially when they told me not to tell them what to do with my sister and all this other shit about her which I had been warning them to get her some fucking help.

I am willing to get her some fucking help if she is willing to agree to go get the help otherwise I can't do anything about it. She's drinking she's smoking not medical marijuana every single day to cope with life. And it's all day. She's unemployed. She cannot drive. She did not get her high school diploma. All she has been doing is partying and doing drugs and drinking. Heavily. And then I do think that she is screwing around with a lot of other people And I'm not slut shaming her but I think she is being self-destructive with her body because she is incredibly insecure and Angry.

I mean she's being self-destructive in general.

I'm very much wont to be the big sister and go and help her and speak with her but my dad was like oh be really nice to her because she's in a bad mood and I as a grown woman am not going to bow down to a 22-year-old child basically because she's in a bad mood and I'm not gonna put myself in danger of getting hit again.

I did tell my parents that if I do help her and if she says one more time that she wants to die that I will call EMS and the police and I will call her bluff and I will give her the toughest love she's ever had.

I never did that for people who are dead now and I'll be damned if I see my sister go down that road. I do not care if she is mad at me for the rest of her fucking life. I understand that people with addiction issues need to choose on their own but right now I feel that if she was admitted to a facility that helps with these problems now it would prevent her from getting worse.

I did tell my parents they were crossing my boundaries because I'm not her parent and they have made that abundantly clear when I have tried to help in the past and if Piper wants my help she can call me she has my phone number she knows where I live.

And then my father suggested that she lived with me and I said not unless she follows the rules of my home.

So that's very disturbing and I'm very upset about it and I don't know what happened and I did not ask and I would like to help her but she is not very receptive to me or my parents and she thinks she's slick as if I don't know what she's up to but I have plenty of friends all around this city that see her getting up to things she should not be doing.

It's pretty embarrassing to hear about what your sister got up to from one of your friends who was at the same bar.

Also her biological aunt just died at a very early age from an alcohol-related disease as in like she drank a lot like an alcoholic but she also had a problem in her body that's genetic that caused her to die faster from drinking.

And Piper will not go to the Doctor and she refuses to take any pills. Except for of course recreational drug pills which she will not admit to but I know she's done it. Also I know she's either drinking or doing opiates because people don't cross their eyes like that when they are just stoned. She was in my apartment crossing her eyes and nodding off before she went on an adventure downtown to an abandoned building with stolen street signs with the dude she got caught fucking and 2 other of her friends to take very scantly clad photo shoots and I am not going to shame her for wearing next to nothing but I'm not thrilled about this at all not the lack of clothing but just the things she's getting up to She's going down a bad path and it is worrying me because I have been there and I know what happens if you don't stop being a dumb ass.

And despite the fact that she has been incredibly inappropriate and awful towards me most of her life I still love her very much despite the abuse she has put me through as a teenager and a younger adult now especially with the recent events in January that she doesn't even remember correctly. Most likely because she had been drinking on the way home and didn't think that I wouldn't smell it on her breath but I didn't call her out on it.

And my parents didn't believe me about any of the shit she was doing and they told me that I was just being a bitch and all of this and I told them and I fucking warn them and I've been warning them since she turned 18 and before that as well.

And yeah it's been fucking insane

And me I'm not okay about any of this shit I'm not doing well in general and now I have to worry about my sister because my parents don't know how to be parents and give her tough love and they're asking me for advice and help

My mother is a fucking psychiatric nurse and she can't get her own daughter some damn help and it would be very easy because they could do the same shit they did to me and just tell EMS that she said she wanted to die even if she fucking didn't say it because they've done that to me before and they won't admit that they did it but they did. And I don't hate them for doing that I needed to go to the hospital back then for that instance. I was younger than her and I was doing stupid shit and I had traumas and didn't want to talk about it and my brain was probably protecting Itself and I needed a fucking wake up call.

So I don't know.

Anyway I get home because the entire time I'm driving from Travis's house to my apartment my parents are like calling me and so is my neighbor and so are like 3 other people that were supposed to call me a couple of days ago and I'm like oh my God I'm gonna have to get back to half of you

And I get to my apartment and I walk up the stairs with my groceries exhausted as hell and I set my groceries down on the chair and I go to open my door and the neighbors an apartment 60 open their door and they all come out there and they all start saying shit to me and then I just go inside and shut my door and dead bolt it.

Then I just screamed like I was dying for a minute Into a pillow.

I don't want to scare the cats and I'm worried about June because I missed giving her her medicine this morning dealing with bullshit neighbors so I hope that didn't fuck up her recovery from her uti and I don't even know how she got one because she has a steady source of very clean water and I'm really concerned because she's like my child I know she's a cat but I can't have kids so that's the closest thing I have to a kid and I know she won't live forever but she's 12 and most of my cats live a long damn time because I take very good care of them. I think it's only fair because they take very good care of me as my ESAs.

I cannot wait to move to a place where I can foster a dog again because that will get me back on a schedule of some form because I will have to be on a scheduled to take a dog on walks and take a dog out and take a dog to an adoption house etc. And I can focus on that and I can focus on my therapy and I can focus on getting other things that I have needed to get done done. I literally have an art commission and I can't get it done and luckily the Person is being incredibly patient because they understand the kind of situation I'm dealing with And they know that artists need peace and do not function well in chaotic environments while they're trying to make art. At least me as an artist I don't do well with loud ass noise unless it's music that I picked out and put on repeat while I zone out and make a painting for 6 hours straight.

I'm super pissed because I haven't been able to be creative and do anything that makes me happy because these people are trying to ruin my life.

But that's OK what goes wrong comes around and I'm fucking coming around.

Found out that my father knows the owner of patrician management because they went to high school together. So he's gonna talk to him if this situation does not remedy itself. He knows the owner from high school and hangs out apparently now with a group of guys from high school like they met at reunion. And I'm happy that he is socializing with new people. Because my father's socialization skills can be very bad and you didn't get to see that because he was masking big time in that appointment and bullshitting you. He's very good at that.

Anyway these people are so fucked for messing with me and my neighbor who is recovering from breast cancer still.

Anyway since he knows the guy and the guy owns Lewis properties. I will likely be able to find a very nice place to live in September or earlier hopefully. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because my parents get all excited and tell me things and then it generally doesn't happen. But I'm hoping for a fluke of nature and that good things will come of this.

Off-topic again I think it's hard for me to remember and talk about certain things because I think my brain's still protecting me from a lot of things and from just daily traumatic insane shit and I feel like that should be looked at not my forgetfulness so much but just the fact that that could be happening I'm just kind of curious like can the brain still be protecting me at an older age if I'm still having traumas And I'm sure I could Google that but I'm so tired of looking up medical stuff even though a lot of it is like a special interest to me

Also I'm not even trying to be ridiculous this is also very much off-topic

I got some bubble tea with popping boba and it today and it was really fucking good and I'm really sad that it's gone and I almost want to cry about it like a pregnant woman with a food craving and I think my hormones are really fucked up.

Okay I need to actually bitch a little bit more

I am really fucking gross out and pissed with my sister even though I do love her

Apparently it's not the only person she has fucked in my childhood bedroom that she took over

My dad has rules for that house and I followed those rules growing up and I was made to follow this rules growing up I wasn't even allowed to have my door shut even when I was over 18 and had company over of the opposite sex but when I was younger growing up the house was such a fucking disaster that I rarely had any company over

It's actually worse over there now. I have no fucking clue why her friends even enter the house without throwing up because of the ammonia smell and cat piss smell that is horriblemy dad and sister are completely nose blind to it

I'm really actually fucking mad that my parents freaked out and called me for advice when they gave me hell growing up and when I tried to help my sister when she was at the age where she needed me to help her in my parents basically told me to fuck off and go live my own life and I still didn't get to live my own life because of their bullshit and I'm still not really getting to live my own life as much as I would like to because of their bullshit

I'm still pretty disturbed and fucking mad that as a child my sister would get really bad like dreadlock mats in her hair and I was the one that had to figure out how to fix that and I was the 1 who had to teach her to wash her own hair

I was the one that had to draw her bathwater quite a bit growing up and get her to go take a bath

Even as a teenager she did not shower or bathe very much and she smelled like ass

And she got teased at school and I was like I can take you to go get the things that you need so you don't get tested and so you can keep your hygiene app and I can teach you how to do make app and all of these things so it's not super obvious but you look nice at school so you don't get bullied and I can make sure that your clothes get cleaned with the right detergent so they don't smell like cat pee when you go to school but no one let me do a lot of things to help her

I wish I could speak to her fiancé well now ex fiancé and ask him what exactly happened that made him break up with her because I want to know his side of the story because I'm the one he asked to help arrange the engagement because his idea was bullshit and I did not want my sister to have a piss poor engagement and he went along with it because he had no idea what he wanted was to marry her And he wanted to have her come live on base with him and he was going to give her a home and not require her to work unless you wanted to and all of these things

And I really find all of this to be fucked app Timing because my sister does not have a job Right Now and she's got all these Issues that I have previously mentioned and suspect and my parents are old and my dad is not doing well and my mom is slowly going downhill as well and I feel like even with all the fucking chaos I'm dealing with I feel like the most sane person in the family right now.

I am fucking mad at my sister. Because when she's not working she is leaching off of my parents when she is perfectly healthy enough to go walk to Perkins road or get a ride and go apply for every store over there and I'm sure she could acquire a job.

I mean if she would just go get her GED she could go to community college stay in a student house and get some sort of benefits because I know that they have tons of opportunities for that and she could make healthier friends that won't get her arrested or something. I mean she's only 22 that's basically a baby and it's really hard to talk with her or help her because she just wants to escalate things and freak out and get dramatic and talk about how she wants to die and then she gets violent and flashes out and it looks similar to some of the ways I acted as a teenager and a very young 20 something

There's a lot of things that she has done that I have also done and it makes me feel like she's trying to copy me in a way

I was at 1 point almost engaged to a black man in the Air Force

She knows about that she also knows about all the naughty stupid things I did as a teenager that I should not have done and I told her not to do those things and it was not going to end well if she did and that she would end app in therapy at my age if she continued to do similar things that I did and she's going to end app having some traumas if she continues to hang around the people that she is hanging around and if she continues to scroll around she's going to end up pregnant And I don't know if she pays attention to the news but she doesn't really have a choice if she gets pregnant with all the laws that they are passing. And my parents at their age cannot take care of a baby and my sister has such a temper that I would not leave a baby with her even if it was her own child

I don't plan to be financially asking my parents for help for the rest of my life and I never did to begin with. I mean at this point it's fucking embarrassing. And I want to make it crystal clear that I have never done anything to take advantage of my parents on purpose to gain a place to live or anything else just because I didn't feel like working or something to that effect

But my sister does manipulate an abuse my parents and she does fuck with their heads and pretend to have issues that she does not have and it doesn't take a Doctor to look at her and see that she is perfectly capable of being an adult and going out and doing better things with her life

And I keep trying to get my parents to speak with Travis's parents who have gone through this with travis and travis I would ask him to talk with my sister and me but my sister probably would blow him off too

The thing is any time you're talking to her and you tell her the truth of something she flips outShe escalates since she turns it into this big drama and she twists it around and it's very narcissistic behavior and manipulative and I have sat there and watched her do this and done Gray rock as she flipped out 43 hours once

I mean one time she tried to fight me and I don't even know what it was about she just lost her shit because I asked her I think a simple question about like dinner or something and she was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend Dorian at the time and he was just sitting on the bed Stone and she was just being a fucking asshole in front of him and she does that a lot in front of her friends when I'm around she just talk shit to me in front of her friends like she's trying to impress them

And I went grey rock on her of course which is not easy to do when somebody is trying to push every button that you have. And her bothering me and following me around and screaming at me because I pointed out that she was acting mighty insecure lasted for over 4 hours and she threatened to hit me and gotten my face and talked like she was some ghetto bad bitch when she's a little white suburban girl Who is spoiled fucking rotten and it gets everything she wants because she knows how to manipulate my parents

And I have tried to tell my parents that she has been doing this since she was a small child I think that she legitimately has some sort of personality disorder that she has had her entire life or it's inherited from her biological father who gave her biological older sister shaken baby and her grandmother now takes care of this child by herself because her mother is a dead beat her aunt is dead from alcohol and her grandfather who was apparently a very good man passed away

And I have offered to bring her to visit her grandmother and meet her sisters because she does have I believe 2 more sisters and a half-brother

And I think it would be good for her at some point

Also you know she's put me in a position again of having to give my parents advice and work with her and all this other shit and I don't want to do it again

I thought when she got engaged she would make an engagement announcement and all of these things that most people do and she didn't and she wined about a ring that she said she loved and she bitched and moaned about how he didn't get her the perfect one when he told her he would upgrade her to the 1 she wanted when they got married because he would be paid enough to get her that or something even nicer

And I told my mother when she told me about it that the behavior was disgusting to me and I did not really want to know more and my mother continued to tell me more about how my sister hated that the gotten gazed and didn't really like how the engagement went and all these other things and she's just an ungrateful shithead in my opinion and I think she was cheating on him the entire time because there's evidence of that and I have witnessed things that I wanted to text him and ask him if they had agreed on You know seeing other people possibly while he was in training But that is not my business so I did not ask.

But I do really really want to message him because she did not tell me that he broke the engagement off yet so I could play dumb and just talk to him because I don't think he has any reason to hate me and he's a nice kid and he's a lot more grown up since he's gone through basic training

But he did cheat on my sister before they even gotten gauged they were actually broken up they weren't even dating when he proposed

So like my parents also have never given her any sort of dating advice because my father is the only man my mother ever really actually dated and she dated him for about 6 months before they got married or something ridiculous like that in my opinion

And I mean sometimes my family seems so insane and it reminds me of the book running with scissors Which was also adapted into a movie but it's just like weird characters

And sometimes I look at my life and the people in my life as if they are characters or NPCS

And it's almost in this disassociated ways and I like take a step back and observe all these people.

And I don't think I'm better than them or worse than or the smartest of them

But something's weird

Sometimes it's like interacting with people that you meet in your dreams like that's the best I can explain it honestly like have you ever had a very vivid Dream where you had a conversation with someone and it was very real feeling and very realistic and you woke up and you couldn't remember the conversation but you could remember the person and the plays and how everything felt

But that person in your dream is not even a real person that you know in real life it's just somebody that your brain made up because that's how you get all the extra people in your dreams your brain just makes stuff up

And you know your brains also giving itself a little bath while you're having little weird dreams

And so like as someone who is not asleep currently I am just you know sitting here reflecting on my mother and my father and my sister and just all these people and it's just weird because I feel so far separated from everyone

Like I feel very much different than all these people and I'm not like exaggerating or trying to make myself sound like I'm the most special girl or like I don't know how to explain this it's so difficult to explain. I want to say it feels like I'm a main character and these are like other characters that popup in my life and drive me fucking insane and it's almost like when you're playing The Sims and like they did an Easter egg in the game where sometimes it'll give you a notification that 1 of your Sims is wondering about if they live in a simulation and it cracks me up every time.

But I mean since I was younger everything has been just increasingly nonsense like just the absurdity is getting more and more in the world and in my personal life every year

And I don't know if it's because I'm autistic and this is just something that I'm noticing and it's not something I've noticed before pattern wise and it's kind of weirding me out big time honestly

Like what the fuck

And I tried to talk to my mom the other day about like there's a certain type of brain scan that tells you what parts of your brains are active and it can also help diagnose certain issues and things like that and I was trying to ask her If she just knew what it was called and she freaked out at me and I had to be like wow wow wow why are you freaking out and yelling at me

And my mother has been freaking out and yelling at me a lot lately even if I haven't blown her phone up or been a bitch even when I've been very nice to her she like tries to verbally come in on me

She screams that she needs to get off the phone like she's like having a massive panic attack

I had my head set on earlier today and I needed to pee and I have spoken to her while I was on the toilet my entire life in person so today when I had to talk to her and I had to pee really bad and I did not want to hang app the fucking phone because I was going to talk to her and then get off the phone and go rest and that just didn't happen the way I wished it to be but she like got mad because I needed to pee and she heard What's she thought was p but I had turned the sink on to block the noise out and then she had to have this weird little flip out about hearing me piss

And I was like why does it even matter you changed my diapers growing up like you're my mother why is it suddenly gross why am I gross for going to the bathroom I understand that people you're not close to you're not gonna be on the phone with them while you go to the bathroom and I understand that everyone's different but I have talked to her while I've been in the fuckingthat's room like so many times and she has never Bitched me out before about it

And I think it's pretty fucking weird that when I was a little kid she would scream at me if I'd tried to go in the bathroom with her I remember being like very small and trying to get into the bathroom because I didn't want her to be in there by herself or something I don't know what my childhood logic was

And I think it's pretty fucking weird that when I was a little kid she would scream at me if I'd tried to go in the bathroom with her I remember being like very small and trying to get into the bathroom because I didn't want her to be in there by herself or something I don't know what my childhood logic wasBut she would get mad at me and be really fucking mean

And I get it she probably just wanted peace and quiet but I was a Clinger 9000 and it was probably because I was abused and scared and I went on verbal a lot as a child and everybody just said that I was shy

In that kind of makes me mad

It makes me mad that they didn't recognize that things were wrong because I also went bed and I also had a lot of hypersexuality behaviors and other weird things that I did

But anyway back to the bathroom chatting so my sister comes along when I'm like 15 years old and my parents just take her everywhere with them my sister would get brought to the bathroom with my mother and like just the complete fucking opposite behavior towards her then me

But anyway back to the bathroom chatting so my sister comes along when I'm like 15 years old and my parents just take her everywhere with them my sister would get brought to the bathroom with my mother and like just the complete fucking opposite behavior towards her then meAnd I guess the point of that is not really the bathroom thing like I'm mostly like over that even though I think it's really fucking dumb that she got mad over that like come on there's there's more things to be upset about in the world than that and she's my own mom so I don't know why all the sudden it's like taboo

And it is frustrating with my mom because she's diabetic so it's like she has 3 or 4 different personalities and she might actually have a disassociative Problem. Because my father has told me stories and It would make sense. Especially since her father tried to abuse me and did abuse me and did molest me and did try to peep on my sister and my mother when they stayed with my grandparents.

And my mom has all these secrets like she would not hand me her phone the other day so I could show her how to work something and she kept asking me to tell her how to do it on an iPhone and I have an android and I haven't operated an iPhone in a long time so I needed to look at the operating system real quick to like figure it out and then tell her how to fix her phone

And my mom has all these secrets like she would not hand me her phone the other day so I could show her how to work something and she kept asking me to tell her how to do it on an iPhone and I have an android and I haven't operated an iPhone in a long time so I needed to look at the operating system real quick to like figure it out and then tell her how to fix her phoneAnd she got very flustered and very mad when I asked her to hand me her phone so I could mess around with it for a second and then figure out the problem and show her how to do it because she asked me

And so she finally hands me the phone over after I promise that I'm not going to open her phone gallery or her messages or look at who called her and I don't know what the fuck she's hiding that she was so angry and weird about that

I did not go through her phone and I tried to look at the phone it wasn't even 30 seconds until she just got very mad and snatched it out of my hand and said never mind fuck it you're not gonna be able to help me or something like really shitty

And she didn't have low or high blood sugar she was just being an asshole

And she made me order pizza for the both of us and I told her exactly how much mine costs because she told me she would give me the exact amount because she had cash on her so I told her how much it cost before I ordered it and it was her idea and then when the pizza came and it was time for her to give me money for ordering her some food she only gave me part of the money and then said she did not have all of the money so she lied to me And she owes me money

And she has not paid me back and she has done this multiple times and so has my father my father would fucking steal money out of my piggy bank and my mom would also take money out of it and say she was putting it in a savings account for me and I think that's really interesting

Because growing up I was told that they were putting money in savings accounts for me but I have never seen any of this money

Apparently my grandparents on both sides also had savings accounts for me and I never saw any of that money I do not know what the fuck they did with money that was supposed to go to me

And I don't know I mean I don't really know what to do anymore I mean like

All these people in my life feel like characters and just not real sometimes

Like sometimes lately I just feel like shits just not real like I'm real and things I'm interacting are real but didn't like the background stuff just doesn't seem real at all

And then sometimes like the people I'm talking to in person just do not seem real

And I don't know how to describe this because I don't want to sound like I'm like schizophrenic or something because I don't think it's anything like that I do think it might have to do with this association but I'm not like actively noticing all this shit to like today and the other day I felt like that and this and this is not like a common thing that occurs with me

It may be only happens once a year otherwise but this year it's been like what the fuck is my life like what alternate universe are we in

And it was really weird and interesting to me when my parents got divorced they turned into drastically different people like almost overnight

Like my mom got highly aggressive and secretive and my dad was just angry and depressed and just worse and more controlling towards me and started treating me like I was some sort of wife and that was fucking weird and then later on I learned that it was emotional incest and probably grooming Because my parents have always pitted me against each other

And sometimes I look at them and I see them and I'm like wow they're really just insecure small sad people

And it's weird sometimes just like being autistic or a nerd diversion or whatever the fuck and Observing things and seeing things from like different points of view that most normal people don't know how to do and don't experience the ability to do and can't like think about how other people might feel in shit and II know it's like I'm not super special because I can do that because I know that's perfectly mentally healthy people can also do that but most people don't do that

And Travis has told me that I'm incredibly good at putting myself in the shoes of another person and trying very hard to figure out what they must be feeling and going through and that's why people like me so much or something like that I don't remember the words verbatim but you know I think that has to do with my people pleasing cause I tried so very hard to be the perfect child and the perfect daughter for my parents and at 1 point my spirit just kind of broke and I gave up and I started fighting back because it just reminds me of like when you abuse an animal enough they either like lay down and die or they fight back

And I just I'm really grossed out that my sister was fucking another dude like 2 days after her fiance broke up with her

And she drinks so fucking much and she hides it

And I mean I already cleaned 40 fucking cups out of her bathroom that were all half filled with alcohol and my parents were like oh that's just juiced it And it fermented and I'm like what the fuck do you guys think wine and liquor is

And they were like oh some of it was soda and I was like yes I'm it was soda and hard liquor mixed together in it to go cup because they were all cups from a place at 1 of her friends bartended at

And she doesn't drive she has a skateboard and she can walk places so I mean she's just drinking and it's just upsetting me like I'm worried about it I know it I should be fucking worried about myself but this is like not good

Like none of this is good I'm worried I don't know how to get her into a place for a wake up call before it gets worse and then she refuses to get help and then she causes my parents stress and then she ends up dying of a fucking overdose or something or she ends up on the streets

So like I'm not sure what to do because she's 22 years old.

I don't know if interventions are very helpful these days I've seen so many of those shows and I don't know if that's realistic to try and plan an intervention for her or not.

And I would like to get my parents on board with that to help her and I would like to find friends and people that actually do Care about Her but Quit talking to Her because of Her behavior and see if they would show up as well for Her

And most of her friends got sober and she started hanging out with more people that did drugs and stopped hanging out with her sober friends

So I don't know

I am really stressed out right now it is almost 3 AM and I hear people Outside Right Now and I Know I'm not hallucinating that I Know that the kids from apartment 60 do not seem to have a Bad time and the Mother does not seem to watch them and every time I've tried to get footage of any of this the Mother Freaks out and calls me some sort of pedophile because she's a Messy Bitch but the office is the people that told me to take pictures of when she's not Out There and which kids are Out There And they shouldn't have told me to do that so now they things like creep and other crap at me as well as calling me a fat bitch and stuff that I try to just Block out when I'm going outside to leave or just water my plants like I have a chair outside that I used to like to sit in and just like observe everything without getting involved or talking to people I just wanted to sit on my little balcony porch and I can't Didn't do that now because like I tried to sit outside the other day with my headphones in and listen to some music and look at the sky because the clouds were Really pretty and the Sunset was happening and it made like the Colors of Everything look a little bit Different and they all Decided to just come Outside and yap at me

Like it started with the little kids being like what she doing why she doing that you think she's videotaping us what is that dumb white lady doing and just various other insults like it's really not that creative it is like grade school level bullying and it is like ghetto ratchet bullshit

And so I sat there for another minute or 2 and then they all like ran downstairs and started screaming and standing next to the pool and sang shit leg oh no if I go in the pool by myself I might drown and these are children saying this and the mom tells them to do it and nobody at the office believes me I'm not making it up and my neighbor has seen it and one of the people at the office has actually seen it and she didn't do anything about it because she didn't know what she was supposed to do about it and that's quite interesting to me

Because how the fuck did she get hired

I feel like I could take all these people's job I feel like I could take on the manager's job

Unfortunately I don't have the college education in order to get that job but I would be good as fuck at it because it doesn't seem that damn hard

I mean if something is broken you send the maintenance people out and if the maintenance people can't fix it then you call a professional and then the management company pays for that and you're just the one calling and scheduling things and if you have a computer you can have a scheduling program on it so you know what's happening all the time like they have all that software

And then as far as showing people apartments you don't really need to say much of anything other than showing people any special features and answering any questions they might have which are usually pretty average normal questions as I have looked at apartments myself and gone with friends to look at places and they're just typical questions

And it's not like you have to have a talent to get somebody to rent an apartment because usually they're coming to check it out because they're already interested and all you have to do is just show them what they are asking about and if they don't like it then they're not going to rent and if they do they will rent

I just I it cannot be that fucking hard

And I have asked the office if they had any jobs available And if they had some sort of forum I could fill out to apply to work there and help them in the office even if it was just secretarial type work

Or just printing out things and doing little things here and there for a couple of hours a day which I could have at 1 point done and right now I can't

And you know they seem to be like happy and excited about it but then you know I asked about it again and I saw eye rolls so I think that because they know that I am autistic and I have PTSD they are treating me in a very prejudiced way

Because they for some reason are scared of me about my PTSD and I'm not violent like that it's very very rare that I flip out and get violent with anybody ever I have to be really pushed to my limit and I have to lose complete touch with reality and that has not happened for a very long time

And I had to explain to Erica who walked me back to my apartment after I was threatened and named called and who witnessed the children taunting me and did not do a fucking thing about it that I was not a dangerous person and that I was in therapy and I was not a threat to myself or others and I have a psychiatrist that I see that specializes in this and I thought it was kind of insulting that they thought that of me and that my autism did not make me fucking stupid either I didn't say fucking but I told her it didn't make me stupid and that high-functioning does not mean high-functioning like on the intelligence level either that's not how any of that shit works

Off-topic again cause I'm switching topics

I'm a little worried about having to see a gastro in testing Doctor again. I'm not correcting that I'm sure you can figure out what kind of dogs are I'm talking about the tummy Doctor

Anyway most of the time when they are checking your intestines or if you can swallow or any stomach problems or gallbladder they will do a barium swallow test

And I have had to do that a lot in my life time as a small child and into teenage years because of the disorders that I have that are auto immune

And honestly I hate that test more than I hate a lot of other tests that would freak people out even more

I don't know why it bothers me so much

Maybe possibly because the barium looks like some sort of silly putty or whatever there's that liquid that is also like solid acting and I can't think of the name of it but I remember and like science class a science teacher would make it or show us it or let us play with it and it wasn't silly putty acted like silly putty or like even softer than that but if you used Force on it it would be really stiff or something I don't know But anyway my point is it reminds me of something that should not be in my body and I want to like throw app and die every time I have to do that test and it gives me like panic attacks thinking about it but I know I'm going to have to have that done and I'm probably going to have to have another scope done and I don't want to do that either but there's just something wrong with my body and people have called me a hypochondriac for a long time but every time I have sensed That there is something going onAnd I have figured out what it is and I have gone to that Doctor I have been correct.

Now right now I know that there is something going on however I'm not exactly sure what it is which is why I asked for referrals to a couple different doctors and the Doctor today agreed with me that I was smart and those were related conditions and she should give me a referral for that and she was going to tell me that before I even asked

And I don't think there's anything wrong with being smart about your health like that

I think it's very important as a spoony and as a zebra to research and learn about your conditions and keep your doctors and check about certain things because a lot of them are not educated on all the things that you would think they need to be especially some of the specialists that should know better

And I don't think that I'm smarter than any of them at all but a lot of them seem to think that I think that and I've gotten nasty comments by other doctors before even though I've been like nothing but a fucking polite delight that just knows medical language because I grew up around it and I did not grow up and learn to speak simply I grew up and read the the saurus and I looked at the Mosby's dictionary in Grey's Anatomy growing up and I read giant fucking chapter books I read Warren peace and some other massive book in high school for fun and my english teachers didn't believe me and made me write a report on it and I did overnight and they were flabbergasted

Now I couldn't fucking tell you what That book is about now because I don't even remember because I don't remember huge chunks of my life and it was likely that I was on klonopin at that point in time when I was in high school because I had switched psychiatrist for a short period of time and the lady put me on fucking klonopin and it made me just forget everything and I would have like monsters flip out worse than any of them and I was mean and I just I don't remember it I just remember my parents being like we couldn't deal with you we brought you back and they took you off a bit and put you back on your xanax and you acted normal again

And I was like okay and then you know my life went back to the normal shit show

And yeah I just I don't want to go see more doctors but I know that there's something going on that they're not finding because I can feel it in my body and I get really insulted when doctors tell me that they think I'm a hypochondriac or people tell me that like it makes me angry like it's one of the biggest insults for me it's a huge trigger and I swear if you ever call me a hypochondriac incession I will flip out at you and walk out and never come back and I'm so serious about that I don't think that you would do that to me but I'm just telling you right now I will not put up with that that's a massive boundary for me

And it is a massive boundary for me because I was told that I was lying growing up when I was basically fucking dying until I was fucking dying and I had to be rushed to children's hospital and then it took the Doctor like 10 minutes to diagnose me

And you know I've been misdiagnosed by so many doctors so like I don't think I'm a fucking hypochondriac

I mean a hypochondriac is going to pick out a disorder that they could not even possibly have and then convince themselves that they have it and then go to the Doctor and then find out that only men get that problem like that's a hypochondriac

I'm more curious to see if certain medical conditions are related 21 another because they are making medical findings about that and I read medical news because it is my special interest and it has always been interesting to me even as a small child because like before I even was diagnosed properly I was stealing my mom's medical books to look at stuff and read what I could understand and I was a small child I was like in kindergarten and then as I got older I still continued to look through the books and read

And then growing up my mom worked in the OR and at the hospital and I would hear all about all the surgeries and stuff and Then She Tell Me like Really fucked up shit about Her work day or She would be talking to a friend on the phone and I would Over Here All of It and I was a little kid but I wasn't stupid

Like little kids do understand what people are saying. I'm sure you know this. I mean when you're a little kid you just don't know how to respond to it like an adult would have vast vocabulary.

Now sometimes I did respond because I did have a big vocabulary for a small child because I like to read and I was around adults mostly growing up I really wasn't allowed around other children too much

And if I was around other children I got bullied and other stuff so my mom just wouldn't let me go places or I just didn't get invited or included so I hung out with the adults or older kids like Jen x

And you know I've seen someone get dragged out of their house onto their front yard and gotten the piss beaten out of them by my best friend because we hung out with Generation x growing up and elder millennials.

And so I grew up you know and it completely different world than my sister everything's politically correct now and I don't really care that much about it like I tried to keep up with it but some of it's just so out of the box wild that it just makes me feel fucking old man

Like I'm starting to understand why older generations fucking hated us when I was a child

Because to me Seeing my sister's generation is quite interesting because the kind of people my sister hangs out with are all about esthetics and kind of trying to show each other app and it seems to be like a creative yet very insecure group of people who do lots of drugs and stupid fucking things and I'm sure that they have fun and good wholesome moments and they do have decent friendships but these are not people she should be hanging around and she would have a much better time if she chose different friends With different social statuses but I can't control any of that

I can't really control anything in my life and I know that

And I'm not trying to control anything I mean my parents blew my phone up today asking me for advice and can you call your sister and talk to her and oh just be gentle with her she's really angry she might explode at you and we don't want her to get any angrier and I'm like why in the fuck are you guys asking me to talk to her because I want to ring her damn neck right now

And it's weird

Like it it's like the time I was bringing her home from school and she just started crying her face off and I had to pull in over at a taco belavel because I thought she was just Hungry angry

And so I got her food but she was still crying and she ate her food and you know she was kind of drawing it up and sniffling and she looked at me and she started crying all over again and she asked me if I was her real mom

And I was shocked

Because my parents had told her she was adopted from a place in Colorado

She was in high school

Like she really thought that I was somehow her birth mother and that I would for some insane reason let my parents adopt her from me because that's how she thought what was going on she thought I was like her biological mother

And I told her that sometimes I wished that I was because I did not like the way that mom and dad parented her

And I told her that no sweetheart I'm not your biological mother. At that point I already knew like everything about her mom because I went online and founder and all that shit. Didn't cross the boundary of speaking to the woman but learned about her mother enough to know that it probably was never a good idea for her and her birth mother to speak 21 another but she's over 18 now and they chat on the phone regularly so I can't do anything about that

But anyway I mean that memory sticks out and my head a lot when she's having problems when she asked if I was her mother and I told her no even if I was for some reason I would never let my parents have her

And I feel like it's my fault that my parents got to adopt her and I feel like she would have had a much better family and a much better life if she had been adopted by a different family

And I never really wanted a sibling.

I never did I told my parents I didn't want one and they told me tough shit that they wanted like 4 more and I was like you guys are too old to adopt in the state of Louisiana so you're literally calling places that will accept older parents

And I told my parents that I needed them and I was having trouble and they claimed that they don't remember this at all whatever kind of always up their own asses and they already are still

But the thing is the social worker who interviewed took me outside away from my parents to me and asked me if my parents were hiding anything or if there was any reason that they should not be allowed to adopt my sister and I had been threatened before that happened so of course I didn't say anything about my parents

When the lady asked me if I wanted a sister or brother I said yes and I truly believed that somehow that would fix my parents from being unhappy and arguing all the time because they would be too focused on a baby to scream at 1 another

But that didn't happen they still fought even with the infant around and I remember screaming at both of them to shut the fuck up because like my mom or dad would be holding my sister or my sister would be in her crib and here them screaming and then she would start to cry And it was horrendous

And they couldn't understand why my sister was so angry as a toddler

Well it's pretty fucking simple she was stressed out and angry her entire life because she was exposed to violent verbal arguments that were incredibly loud and would make any infant freak out

And I'm still really really bothered by the fact that she came over to my apartment with her friends and the guy she got caught fucking in my old bedroom

And like what the fuck

But like why why were her eyes crossing she just told me she was tired that was her excuse and I was like okay but like are you stoned and she was like I'm good bro like she didn't answer the question and I Tried to ask her something else and she did not answer the question then either and I tried to get my mom's attention and I was like hey mom like right in front of Piper but Piper was soooooo out of it she didn't even notice me being like "MOM SHE IS ON SOMETHING"

And my mom didn't respond. She was acting completely out of it.

IT WAS WEIRD

Like my brain is trying so hard to figure out what exactly is going on.

It goes in puzzle detective deep dive mode.

Also my neighbors are currently still outside.

This is trash.

I hope the camera we ordered works because I'm sooooo sick of this shit.

Idk I'm gonna try to sleep if I can.

Fuckin weird days I'm so worn out mentally and physically I'm hurting so bad and that's kicking my ass too.

I really don't know what to do in my appointments except chat right now. I feel far too stressed to focus on myself at home and my goals because it's hard to even cook a meal without hearing SCREAMING for example

I definitely need the appointments. I also need to check with my insurance to see if I can see you more frequently because I need to stabilize and you help and 2x a week for a bit would most likely helpful till we knock it down to onelce a week. But still even if it's allowed it's up to you if you wanna see me 2x a week.

Ok I'm trying to shut up. I really do have this compulsion or constant impulse to keep talking even over text and....I don't think it's only because I don't feel heard or whatever like I've been told and or expressed

I think there's just another factor

You know I cry because I used to not be this way and I remember how I spoke and acted before and I try to do that and I notice that I literally can't

I do get short moments where my brain is silent and I cam speak well and things are fine but then it feels like I can't operate correctly anymore in that way

I'm glad I have no obligation tomorrow.

Well I do need to write the formal letter but still I shouldn't fuckin have to.

I should not have to deal with hateful people so much

Ok enjoy this picture of June my sweetest bestest girl and a very good tiny ESA cat.

[skztuary]

˚₊ ˚ ‧₊ .:･˚₊ ˚ ‧₊ .:･˚₊ *˚

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ 23일 9월 2023년

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ now playing: 승전가 (victory song) performance video by stray kids

i don't know where to start. earlier, i was thinking about what i wanted to say but now i feel i don't know,, empty? like, there's nothing to say. god, the world just pisses me off. its not in a "god i'm so depressed" way anymore its just, disappointment? all of you just make me tired, annoyed. sometimes i wish i still had that childlike thought of "why cant everyone just get along?" i don't even know why i had that thought as a kid because my life back then wasn't even that good.

last week, i went out with my younger cousins and my grandparents. i wanted to scream, cry, break down, etc. i hate what they've become. i remember when i would see them more often, when they were 8 and 4. i was young too, but i was older than them both and i looked after them. i stopped seeing them so much. the thing about them is that they're white. my dad's side of the family (which is the side they're on) is korean. fully. my grandparents were both born in korea but moved to london (my nan) and australia (my grandpa) at a young age. then, they moved back to korea when they had my dad in ulsan but moved back to the uk before having my aunt.

my aunt is really young, so are my parents & grandparents, but to put it in perspective she was 17 when she had her first kid and 21(?) when she had her second. their baby daddy wasn't the best (or so i've heard from multiple people, i've gotten to the age where i can start to hear family drama lol) but she no longer has the kids even though she was a much better parent. i'm not too sure what happened to those kids, the dad didn't take them, i think they live in korea with another family member now?

but she adopted two kids, my nan said she "always liked kids a bit too much" when i was looking at baby photos and there was one of me and her. there was one of me and her under a cherry blossom tree, she was holding me while in her school uniform. but the point of this ramble is both of the adopted kids are white. she has two other biological kids. they're mixed. third korean, third english and third bengali. i wouldn't bring this up unless it was important.

uh yeah but i hated every second of seeing them again. they pulled their eyes back, called me slurs, said shit i don't even wanna repeat not only about asians but africans too. all i'm saying is they made some comments about their brothers being more tan than them.

my grandparents didn't even say anything. my grandfather even encouraged them by making asian jokes. i'm fine with asian people making asian jokes, hell i've probably said some when i was younger. but it's not ever okay to teach white kids that it's okay to do that. my mum said it's because he's from a more white exclusive area of australia and not from an area with more diversity like us. but he's asian? he's a grown man he needs to deal with own internalised racism.

my nan tried to subtly excuse it (whether she realised it more not) by saying he's autistic so he doesn't understand, i am autistic and i understand why i shouldn't do that‽ he just started high school so teach him‽‽‽

i'm fucking sick of it lol but whatever. i don't even remember what i was talking about originally but i guess this is why my blog is here, to let it all out.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ╱|、 ok lolol byeeeeee ♡ (˚ˎ 。7 |、˜〵 じしˍ,)ノ