#its one of my most dear projects ive ever done

[evelynpr]

Hey! I saw this post of yours and I kinda (really) want to read your bkdk tgchk love square post thingy

please, I need- I WANT-

Darling, if not for the forces of mental illness and work I would have made so many charts and graphs that are actually clean and readable by now-

[ifidiedinadream]

What are your favourite things about Aleksi? 👀

uuuuhh dear get ready for an essay

it's most definitely a product of idealization but in my head it makes sense. it's gonna be kinda deep and personal and not just a list of features i deem attractive, more why he's attractive to me specifically. it's gonna be super cringe and maybe i'm simply too desperate and lonely and should download tinder again idk

to me aleksi seems sweet, kind and patient. i'm a pain in the ass to deal with when you get close but i think he'd be able to. i think he's self aware and sensitive, at least to some degree, or else he wouldn't be able to calm people down from anxiety/panic attacks. its extremely attractive to me because emotionally speaking i'm all over the place, whereas aleksi appears to be somewhat stable and emotionally mature. i like that he seems a pretty balanced person in a way, reserved just how i like, but not boring at all - in fact i like that despite all of this, even in his (at least apparent) calmness, he still takes risks (joins a band and we all know the circumstances, isn't afraid to play with his appearance and not fit in a box). i love how passionate ("nerdy") he is, he's witty and smart, yet he doesn't try to be the center of attention. i feel like his charm is very subtle, i didn't even notice him for the first two weeks i was into bc, too blinded by joel's inhumane beauty, but once i noticed him there was never a turning back. he's simply magnetic. ive never seen eyes like his before. his lips look incredible. his jawline is very sexy.

basically i think we'd be a good match. we're both on the introverted, private side - our character somehow matches, i think we're both the responsible, reliable ones, but also i think he'd be that "rock" (stability) i so desperately need in my life (listen, i'm 27, i've done many things in my life, most of them stupid, i have bpd and i'm tired. i really need calmness and serenity and that quiet happiness that only a healthy relationship could offer?? not that i've ever had anything like a healthy relationship idk). and the fact that i see an unknown intensity under that seraphic facade?? it keeps me obsessed because i feel that there's something underneath, yet aleksi never shows that side of himself to us (rightfully so, i appreciate it), so we can only imagine what it's like. i think it's what makes him so alluring to me. i wonder how intense he can be. how deep he can love. he never truly shows himself to us fully and what's more intriguing than that??

so i think it's a matter of contrasts. calm yet intense, self aware yet self conscious (HIS FUCKING POSTURE), handsome yet not loudly so (unlike, say, joel), passionate yet quiet, funny yet introverted, a rockstar yet very low-profile. soft and gentle but who knows what lies beneath??

i like joeleksi so much because i'm totally joel, literally like him only quieter on the outside, and i love writing aleksi being the only one able to make the sky in joel's mind clear up, halt the storm. i feel like he'd do that to me.

aleksi and joel are both my favorite but aleksi is a full blown crush and joel isn't, not really anymore at least. i'm attracted to joel for projection reasons mostly, im very interested in him from a psychological point of view, in him as a person and human being. i would never date him. i think we'd hurt each other a lot and as i said i crave serenity. aleksi on the other hand... in my head he's a perfect match for me. exactly what i want and need in a man and more

[brelione]

Trying To Help (The Best Boys)

Series Masterlist

Warnings:Mentions of death, not super sad kind of just conflicting I think (figured id give you guys an emotional break), mentions of blood.Not proof read because im a lazy bitch.

“Hey pretty boy.”You whispered, trying not to cry.Topper frowned, not understanding where he was or why everything felt so weird. “Im sorry I drove off a bridge.”He replied, his voice sounding funny as if he had been talking with food in his mouth.

 “Dont be bubs, you didnt mean to….”You replied, hoping your voice wasnt hurting his head.His eyes closed again, too lazy to keep them open. “Rafe should be here soon.”You bit the inside of your cheek anxiously.

His nose scrunched up, a look of disapproval on his face. “Why does everything always gotta be about Rafe?”He asked, his eyes opening wide when he realised there was a cast on his arm.He moved the fingers on his right hand, making sure that one wasnt broken too.Needles and IVs had been stabbed into his arm and hand, an air tube across his face and at his nostrils.

He noticed your hand on the bed, reaching for it with his good hand.You let him hold it, glad he wasnt mad at you.The room was quiet and dark but not so much that it was awkward, the two of you just trying to keep eachother calm. “Hey,guys.”The door opened to reveal Rafe.

He was wearing a backwards hat, a light blue polo shirt and black pants.He looked just as much of a mess as you, a guilty expression on his face.His eyes flicked over to you and Toppers hands as he sat in the chair next to you.

 “Is that Rafe?”Topper asked, too tired to open his eyes again. “Yeah, dude.You really fucked up this time.”Rafe smiled but his face quickly fell into a frown when you didnt do the same.You began to drag your fingertips along Toppers arm, feeling a bit better when he grinned at the feeling.

“So how was the movie?”He asked, feeling his eyes water up. “Um...yeah, we didnt end up finishing it.Guess it wasnt the same without you there.”You muttered, your fingers trailing back down to his palm.

He hummed, taking in a deep breath when he realised you could hear his heartbeat increasing from the monitor. “I knew you wouldnt finish it.Between you and Kelce screaming and….and Rafe being an impatient slut.”Topper smiled, opening his eyes ever so slightly to catch a glimpse of Rafe’s reaction.

 “Hmm...you’re lucky your arms already broken, pussy.”Rafe smiled, becoming less tense when you rolled your eyes. “DOnt be fucking rude.”You whispered with a small smile. “You know what...its the quoting the Kardashians daily for me.”Topper bit his lip as he waited for you to respond. “Its...the breaking my flower pot for me.”You replied, tapping your fingers against his palm.You grinned,recalling the memory.

You and Kelce had spent the morning together after a sleepover.You had scrolled through your pinterest feed as usual, coming across a ton of diy plant pots and decided to just go for it.You told Kelce about your idea as you two sat down for breakfast, both of you half asleep as you drank coffee. “Yeah, okay.”he agreed, putting on his shoes once he had finished his eggs.

 “So how many pots should we get?”He asked as you buckled your seatbelt.You shrugged, not really having a proper answer as he began to drive to Walmart, cursing when he couldnt find a parking spot.Once he did he waited for you to go back to your pinterest boards and figure out exactly what type of paint you would need for the project.

It was far too early for the store to be busy, holding on to Kelce’s back as he grabbed a cart. “What isle?”He asked, stopping to grab a bag of cheetos. “Uhhh….I dont know.Hold on.”You pulled out your phone, holding onto him with one arm and resting the phone on top of his head.

 “Thirteen.”You replied, squealing and holding on for dear life as he began running through the store, coming to a halt when he reached the isle.You hopped off of his back, grabbing some small pots and some medium pots and putting them into the cart carefully. 

“Can I paint spongebob on mine?”He asked, his eyes glancing through the paint colors on the hunt for a bright yellow. “I dont care, paint whatever you want.”You replied, grabbing the primary colors and tossing them into the cart.Kelce being Kelce had freaked when he saw the variety of stickers, buying at least thirty dollars worth of puppy stickers, marvel stickers, car stickers and shiny spikes. 

“No weeds are gonna mess with this plant when im done with it.”He said proudly as he grabbed every single strip of spike stickers.You had rolled your eyes, picking out some pearl like stickers and tossing them in the cart.Kelce smiled, getting an idea.

He moved all of the items to the opposite side of the cart to leave an empty space, picking you up quickly and putting you inside. “Kelce-seriously?”You sighed, holding on to the side as he pushed the cart quickly, swerving it against the tile on his way to the plant isle. 

“Yep, its easier this way.”He replied, stopping the cart once you guys got to the other side of the store. “Ooh….can we grow sunflowers?”He asked, tossing the bag of seeds into the cart before you could answer. “Get lavender too.”You replied, taking out your phone to play subway surfers.

Kelce huffed, arms wrapping around your shoulders and placing a kiss on the top of your head as he watched you play. “Whats your high score?”He asked, playing with the baby hairs that had fallen out of your braids. 

“I dunno, higher than yours.”You grinned, hearing him gasp. “Fucking rude.”He muttered, flicking your temple. “Fuck you.”You replied, avoiding a train. “Fuck you!”He exclaimed driving the cart to check out.He grabbed a few packs of gum as well, scanning the items at the self checkout.

You two then spent the whole afternoon painting pots and covering them in an obnoxious amount of stickers.The small one that Kelce had done all by himself was covered with spike stickers that kept falling off. “It wont stay stuck!”He exclaimed, becoming frustrated.

 “Kelce, babe, its cause you’ve got paint on the sticky part.”You sighed, grabbing a paper towel and putting it under the water to wipe off the yellow paint from the pot.He was a pouting mess for the rest of the afternoon but was happy with the outcome of the pot, taking a photo of it to post on his snapchat story. “How did you do that?”He asked, pointing to the pastel rainbow pot you had painted.You shrugged, just going off of what you saw in the video.You two had decided to just go sit on the couch and watch some cartoons while you waited for Rafe and Topper, leaving the pots to dry on the table.

Once Topper had gotten there he had given you a quick greeting and went into the kitchen to get something to drink, accidentally elbowing one of the pots in the process and sending it to the floor, the clay colliding with your tile floor. “TOPPER!WHAT THE FUCK?!”You exclaimed, rushing into the kitchen.

“Its the stealing my hoodies from me and then pretending you didnt for me.”He replied.Your heart dropped as you realized you were wearing his hoodie right now, beginning to freak out when you realised you werent even wearing pants.

 “Shut up.”You replied, squeezing his hand lightly.Kelce came through the door a few seconds later, sighing loudly. “These people are ridiculous-I had to convince them that I was Top’s adopted brother.Did you have to do that?”He asked Rafe, going to stand at the end of the bed.

 “Nope.”Rafe replied.Kelce bit the inside of his cheek, staring at Topper. “Concussion?”He asked, noticing the bandage that was peaking out from Topper’s forehead.You nodded, looking between the two boys. “How you feeling?”Kelce asked.Topper grinned, peaking one eye open. 

“Like shit.”Topper replied, a small smile on his face. “How long am I gonna be stuck here?”Topper asked, finally acknowledging the fact that he was in a hospital.Rafe shook his head, looking over to Kelce as if he knew anything about the situation that you and Rafe didnt.

Kelce shrugged, not knowing either. “I mean, with that kind of injury one could only assume a good two weeks or so.You wont be able to drive- (Y/N)- how did you get here?”Kelce asked, realising.You had texted them from the hospital which meant that Rafe hadnt driven you.

You went quiet, feeling their eyes on you. “Uhhh….I drove.”You replied, hoping they wouldnt push further.Topper opened both of his eyes this time, wanting to make sure he had understood properly. “What?”Topper asked, cringing at the lisp he now had.

He shouldve known his voice would sound different.He had literally bit off part of his tongue. “I drove.”You repeated, feeling a bit insecure.Rafe just looked confused, Kelce was shocked and Topper just couldnt believe it.

 “How’d it go?”Topper asked, wanting to sit up when he realised that he couldnt really move that much.You shrugged, trying to figure out why the attention was on you when Topper had literally almost died.

 “I dont really know, kinda just did it.I dont really remember it either.”You replied, feeling Rafe’s hand drift onto your knee, tapping your knee cap.He had been doing it for years.He was awkward most of the time and didnt know what to do if his hand was empty, usually going to hold yours or just touch you in some way to feel more grounded.

 “Why dont you remember it?”Topper asked, unable to grasp the whole situation.Thank god he didnt know that the nurse had told you about his ‘last words’.He wouldve had a heart attack on spot. “I was in shock, dum dum.I was just-just trying to make breakfast and then the fucking hospital calls me and tells me that you drove into a river.”You laughed, a few tears rolling down your face.

Toppers heart beat quickened,squeezing your hand tight. “I said I was sorry...did you at least drink water this morning?”He asked, wishing he could hug you.You laughed, wiping your face. “No, no I didnt cause I thought you were gonna die!”You replied, sniffling.

 “For the love of life, Topper.Keep up.”You let out a shaky breath. “Im trying my best, sunshine.”He answered, not paying attention to Rafe or Kelce.It felt like you were the only one who was actually in the room with him.

 “I mean, I guess its just karma.Have any of us ever left during a movie night?All im saying is I think its like a curse or something.”Topper answered, trying his best to get you to stop crying.Kelce couldnt even think of something to say, the situation was overpowering him.

You just sighed,leaning your forehead against the mattress, staring down at the floor. “Why’d you leave?”You asked, still not understanding the full situation that lead to Topper leaving your house.Rafe shifted in his seat, squeezing your knee, almost trying to tell you not to bring it up again.

 “Just...wanted to go home.”He mumbled, knowing better than to bring up the argument that he no longer cared about.He couldve laughed at it.As jealous as he was as Rafe even he could admit that the son of a bitch cared about you more than anyone and to accuse him of not caring about you was the stupidest thing he had ever said.And that was saying a lot.

SOmetimes he was close to positive that Rafe didnt care about him or Kelce but there was never a single doubt in his mind that Rafe didnt love you.Now he kind of wish that he had died since it would leave you with Rafe and Kelce.

They were both better friends than he could ever be no matter how hard he tried.It wouldve been better for the whole friend group if he had stayed dead. “You have a concussion, bubs.Nothing you say is relevant for the next two weeks.”You joked, feeling the tears roll down your face and onto your collarbones, not even bothering to wipe them away anymore.

 “You have a single brain cell, (Y/N).Nothing you say is relevant.”He replied, laughing a bit.It didnt do much but hurt his head and make his tongue sting. “See?That’s not relevant.”You replied, lifting your head up from the mattress and kissing the back of his hand lightly.

Rafe smiled slightly, glad to see that you were a bit better and that Topper hadnt yelled at him to get out. “You know what?I just think I should say something really important.”Topper announced, thinking that he sounded louder than he actually did.Rafe squeezed your knee tightly, worried that Topper would tell you what he knew and that Kelce would freak out about it.

 “I dont think im allowed to watch tv with a concussion-fuck.”Topper grumbled, hearing Rafe let out a sigh of relief.He noticed Kelce still standing, getting up and asking you quietly if you two could share your seat.

You huffed, standing up and allowing him to sit in your chair, sitting on his lap, feeling self conscious when Toppers hoodie lifted to reveal half your thigh. “I mean, you could always do other things to pass the time.”Kelce replied, sitting down in the chair.

 “Hmm...like what?”Topper asked.Thank god Kelce was an optimist, the rest of you would be absolutely fucked without him. “Like….coloring, reading or….I dont know, thinking.”Kelce suggested, going quiet soon after. “Read what?”Topper asked.

He had never liked reading.Back when you guys were still in school he would refuse to read anything, tossing his homework down as you and Kelce tried to do yours.You usually had to harass Rafe for hours to do his work when all he could focus on was you.He would purposely annoy you just so you’d talk more and get all mad.

Between him and Topper you never got your work done, having to read to Topper so he would get some of his work done. “I could read you the Harry Potter books, ive got them downloaded to my phone.”You replied, a small grin on your face.

Toppers face became red, wanting to protest but deciding that he’d rather have you read to him than continue with the upsetting conversations. “Yeah, okay.”He answered, closing his eyes as you began to read.Kelce was smiling as you read, making comments every once in a while. 

“Wow, what a bitch.”He muttered about Vernon.Rafe squeezed your waist, resting his head against your back.It was some time in the afternoon when the nurse came in to check Toppers IV and give him some more medication. “Theres food available in the cafeteria, a warm soup or something soft would be best for your friend here.”She gestured towards Topper before leaving.

She had given you all a weird look, trying to figure out why a patient’s girlfriend was sitting on the lap of his assumed brother.Kelce bit the inside of his cheek, hearing his stomach rumbling. “Alright, well im going to the cafeteria. (Y/N), can you come with me please?”He asked.

You sighed, shaking your head. “Im not wearing pants.”You answered. “Can you stand up for a minute?”Rafe asked.You huffed, getting off of his lap, eyes widening when he pulled off his shorts and handed them right over to you.

Kelce wasnt even surprised, just hungry.You awkwardly pulled up the shorts, tying them tight around your waist and following Kelce into the elevator.Everything was going smoothly until it came to a stop. “What the hell?”Kelce asked, hitting a ton of buttons at once. “Kelce!Stop that!”You smacked his wrist, screaming when the elevator moved slightly, coming to a stop again. 

“What should I do?Im pressing the red button!”He exclaimed as he pressed it again. “I dont know!Press it again!”You exclaimed, clinging onto his arm. “Oh my fuck-shit dammit!Now we’re gonna die!”You exclaimed. 

“We’re already in a hospital, we’ll be fine.”He answered, pressing the button again. “Kelce!It’s gonna fall!”You exclaimed, holding onto him so tight you were starting to shake. “No its not, its fine.Just wait for someone to come fix it.”He spoke, pulling you onto the floor so you were sitting against him. “It’ll be fine, just wait.”He repeated.

“Im sorry, man.”Topper sighed, looking over to Rafe.THe brunette simply shrugged, not really bothered by it anymore. “Apology accepted.”Rafe replied.Topper let out a sigh of relief, glad that the tension wasnt as strong.

 “But like, can you be honest real quick?”Topper asked, waiting for Rafe to answer. “Yeah, yeah okay.”Rafe replied, dreading what Topper would ask. “Did you guys do anything?”He asked.Rafe frowned, not knowing what to say.

He didnt want to tell Topper something that you werent okay with him knowing but at the same time didnt want to lie. “Yeah, yeah we did.”Rafe replied, holding his breath.Topper simply hummed, letting out a breath through his nose. 

“Were you careful?You know she doesnt….hasnt done those types of things.You didnt hurt her though, right?”Topper asked.Rafe was a bit confused, thinking that Topper would get all jealous and grumpy. “Yeah, yeah I was….she was fine, like she said she was fine and I told her she could….ya know, stop me.She didnt though, I was careful.”Rafe’s cheeks were red, trying not to go into too much depth.

Topper nodded a bit, sighing. “Thats good...so like, are you guys dating now or whatever?”Topper asked, trying to ignore the pit in his stomach.Rafe gulped, not really knowing the answer himself. “I dont know….its all complicated I guess.”He replied, feeling guilty now that he was actually talking about it.

 “Okay...hey, do you think she knows?”Topper asked, hoping you wouldnt walk in at the wrong time.Rafe laughed at the comment. “Damn, man.I dont even know.Like, she obviously knows I do.Ive made it pretty obvious but like...you’ve made it pretty obvious too at this point I think.I feel like she doesnt think anyone would like her like that no matter how obvious we make it.I dont know, I feel like right now wouldnt be a good time to talk to her about this though, lets just not say anything to her.”Rafe muttered, realising he had promised you that he wouldnt tell anyone what you two had done last night

. “Hmm...you know whats fucked?”Topper asked, blinking slowly.Rafe hummed, waiting for him to continue. “I lost my two year streak with her.And you.”The blonde smiled, wiggling his toes carefully.Rafe laughed, pinching his nostrils. “Yeah, thats fucked.”He agreed.

“Nobody’s coming.”You huffed, holding on to Kelce’s hand as you leaned against the elevator wall. “You dont know that.”He replied, not sounding genuine at all. “I dont know….do you wanna talk about something?”You asked, thinking of ways to pass time while you guys were trapped.

He sighed, nodding. “What do you wanna talk about?”He asked, flicking at your fingertips. “I dont know...how are your cousins?”You asked, realising that that’s where he had come from.He chuckled, shaking his head.

 “Alec would not stop complaining about sushi, I guess her favorite restaurant closed and now shes all pissy about it.Shes really fucking tall now.”He sighed, kind of glad that he was able to leave the house.You nodded, trying to think of something else to say.

Alec was his 17 year old cousin, she was nice sometimes but she could also be a lot to handle from what you had heard.She was pretty cool though, always commenting on your instagram posts and hyping you up.It kind of gave Rafe a little competition since she always commented before him.

 “What about Jax?Is he still an ass?”You asked.You had met Jax a total of two times, both times he had called you hot and stared at you.He was 17 so it was kind of weird of him but you hadnt had to deal with him in a good six months.

Kelce shrugged, not having much to say. “Yeah, I dont think hes ever gonna change.He tried to download porn to my phone.”Kelce replied, biting the inside of his cheek. “Hey, is it true that Rafe kissed you?I mean, he told me but I figured he probably just dreamt it.”fuck.

Now everything was coming unraveled and you’d have to figure out how you wouldnt hurt anyone. “Uh...yeah, he did.”You answered, biting your bottom lip.He was silent.That was scary if something was so shocking that Kelce had nothing to say.

 “Alright...so how do you feel about it?”He asked, keeping his voice calm and steady.He was tired of not knowing what was going on, not understanding the new tension between you and Rafe.There had always been something there but recently it seemed to get a lot more serious.

But then again he had noticed the way you held Topper, how you’d sigh whenever the blonde kissed your forehead or when he’d hug you.He didnt really want to say anything, figuring that when you wanted to date one of them you would.

Now he sounded exactly like Topper, you were pretty sure those were the exact words that he had said to you. “Um….yeah, I dont really know.I guess that like im not mad about it but I just...I dont know how to feel.”You answered, knowing that it sounded stupid.

Kelce nodded, understanding. “So do you like Rafe?LIke, you know.”He asked, pulling at the sleeve of the hoodie out of boredom.You shrugged, not knowing the answer. “(Y/N), come on now.I see the way you look at him...its a little bit of something.”He pushed.

You knew he was right but you’d rather die than admit it. “I dont know, Kelce.Its just weird, I guess.Like we’ve been friends for like...eight years and now all this shit is happening.”You answered.

He nodded, trying to think of the best advice to give you. “Alright, well life is too short for shit.If you like Rafe then I think you should go for it.All that matters is that you’re happy and if he makes you happy then you should be with him.”Kelce squeezed your hand, waiting for you to speak.

Of course Kelce would say that.That was the most Kelce thing you had ever heard him say. “Yeah, but I dont think I want to be with him.”You muttered, not knowing how to explain what you were feeling.Kelce was confused, trying his best not to show it.

 “Okay….but why?Do you like someone else at the same time?”He asked, trying to piece everything together.The elevator began to move again, scaring you both. “Shit.”You sighed, holding on to his arm as he helped you up. 

“We’ll talk about this later.”It sounded like more of a question.He had never been great at being assertive.A few staff members apologized, explaining that a patient had went roaming around and they had to stop the elevators to prevent them from leaving the hospital.

Kelce held onto your hand tight as you made your way to the cafeteria.None of the food looked particularly appetizing, eventually deciding on a small container of mac and cheese for yourself, a turkey sandwich for Rafe and finding a sealed bowl of potato soup for Topper.

Kelce had grabbed a few sodas and a gatorade for Topper, reuniting with you as you both went to the line, paying for the food.You two had decided on just taking the elevator again, figuring it would be difficult to walk up the stairs with so much to carry.

Luckily it didnt come to a stop this time, the two of you completing the trip successfully and walking back into the hospital room.Rafe and Topper were laughing about something, Rafe sitting in his boxers.It was quite funny.You all ate in a pretty much silence, having to help Topper elevate the upper half of his bed so he could eat properly. 

“I hate hospital food.”Rafe sighed, biting into his sandwich while keeping you balanced on his left thigh.He tried to ignore all of the thoughts he was getting, figuring that the lack of caffeine in his system was making him horny.

That first night in the hospital had been the hardest.You were the only one who was allowed to stay while Kelce and Rafe had to go home.You had given Rafe his sweatpants back.

He decided that he needed to talk to you, taking your hand and getting far away from the room where the trauma patients were seperated from the elderly. “How are you?”He asked.You kind of wanted to punch him.What the hell kind of question was that?

 “I just...im fine.”You forced yourself to grin, not wanting to be rude.He licked his lips, looking around. “Thats...not what I meant.”His face flushed a bit, his ears pink. “oh-oh....um, yeah im fine.”You repeated.He hummed, hands ending up in the pockets of your hoodie.

 “Thats good....im sorry that I went so fast, I know you wanted me to be gentle.”He apologized, kissing your forehead. “Its fine, Rafe.”You answered, hugging him.He huffed, accepting the hug. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, I can stop by your house and grab you some clothes.”He offered, staring down at you.You nodded, accepting the offer.He leaned down, kissing you gently, feeling himself get weak.

You pulled away after a moment, kissing the tip of his nose before standing on your tiptoes to kiss his forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”You grinned, kissing him gently. “Alright, text me the clothes that you want...do you want one of my shirts?”he asked, smiling when you nodded. “Alright....okay, tomorrow.”He repeated, finally letting go of you.

You ended up staying up for a majority of the night, holding Topper’s hand as you read to him, switching from Harry Potter to short stories.He had moved over in his bed ever so slightly, groaning in pain, staring at the small empty space he had made.

You took the message, hesitantly laying next to him, becoming stiff when he wrapped his good arm around you and let you rest your head on his shoulder. “You’re cold.”He mumbled, holding you tighter.

The nurse came in to wake him up every hour and a half since sleep was bad for concussions.You barely got any sleep, more focused on listening to make sure his heartbeat was steady.

Rafe and Kelce came at seven in the morning with coffee and donuts, a container of chocolate flavored yogurt for Topper.Rafe had stuffed one of your backpacks full of clothes, grabbing whatever he thought would bring you comfort.

He had grabbed you a new shirt from his closet, a mint blue and purple striped polo that was pretty long on him which meant it would fit you like a baggy dress, spraying it with his cologne.

He grabbed your facewash for you, a hairbrush, some hair ties, some socks, soft pants and some loose fitting shirts.He felt a little guilty for looking through your bras and underwear but he knew he couldnt just not bring you some, grabbing a few random ones and stuffing them in the bag.

He grabbed your polaroid camera and a few of your photos, thinking that you might show them to Topper.You were glad to be able to change into some pants, thanking him quietly and slipping in the bathroom to change, sighing when you noticed how wattery and irritated your eyes looked, changing into the shirt that you had seen Rafe wear a couple of times, sniffing it and feeling a calm sensation run through your body.

You sat at the foot of the bed, pulling your knees to your chest as you drank your coffee, taking long, slow blinks.That had been your first day without sleep.It wasnt until the third day that Kelce and Rafe were becoming really concerned.

It had began to rain outside, Kelce and Rafe were trying to convince you to leave and go home. “No.”You answered, sitting in one of the chairs.Topper was asleep.“No-no, you.We’re going home- dont give me that look.You can come back tomorrow but tonight you’re going to sleep in your bed, okay?”Kelce asked, not really giving you any options, picking up your bag.

 “No.”You repeated, wanting to scream when he grabbed your arm, bringing you outside the room. “(Y/N), you havent slept in days.Just come home.”Rafe tried to convince you, going on to explain that you could ride with him or Kelce and then tomorrow the three of you would go into Rafe’s truck and Kelce could drive your car back to your house so you didnt have to worry about it.

You agreed eventually, going back into the room to say bye to Topper, kissing his cheek. “Hey, dont worry about me.Got it?If I find out you were worrying about me im gonna break all your flower pots.”He threatened, a small grin on his face.

You had decided to drive with Kelce, holding his hand as he drove on the wet roads.He was careful to drive slowly so he wouldnt freak you out, informing you that Rafe was going to go stop at a Papa Ginos to grab you guys dinner.

Your house felt foreign to you, the couch not comfy anymore.Kelce frowned, noticing your discomfort. The anxiety felt like it was eating away at your brain.Kelce tried to think of a way to help, the thoughts not coming so easy to him anymore.

The stress was building up inside of him, the stress from dealing with everyone elses problems combining with his own. “Come on.”He grabbed your hand, bringing you upstairs.

Your legs were tired from being held to your chest or bent at uncomfortable angles so you could lay in the hospital bed.He opened the door to your bedroom. “Lay down.”He told you, hoping his voice hadnt come across as creepy.

You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he was telling you to do this but going along with it anyways.He got onto the bed next to you, wrapping an arm around your toso, one of his legs resting across your thighs with his head directly under your chin.

 “What are you doing?”You asked.You couldnt deny it, it was quite a comfortable position. “Im trying to help.I saw this thing on Tik Tok the other day that if you lay on someone its like a weighted blanket and helps with stress.”He explained, pulling your comforter up over your bodies.

It only took you a matter of seconds to fall asleep, Kelce grinning.The feeling of cuddling someone helped him too, a small sigh escaping his lips as he closed his eyes as well, falling asleep before Rafe pulled into your driveway with a pizza in the backseat.

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[quillandink333]

Scarlet Carnations ~ Part IV

BotW Link X Zelda ~ Detective AU

Rating: T

Word Count: 5.1k

WARNINGS: death, murder, loss, trauma, blood and gore, terrorism, organized crime, self-harm

Summary: Inspector Zelda Hyrule, assisted by the faithful Constable Link Fyori, is infamous for cracking the most confounding of cases in a town dominated by crime. Her latest assignment is to solve the murder of her own godmother, Impa Sheikah, the late CEO of Sheikah Tech. Incorporated, while staying under the radar of the dreaded Yiga organization.

Part I • Part II • Part III • Part IV • Part V • Part VI • Part VII • Epilogue • Masterlist

It was nine o’clock in the morning, two days after I’d made my arrest, and Paya’s trial was in its opening stages. I was watching from the gallery. Normally, as the one running the investigations, I would be the first witness to take the stand, but today, for whatever reason, the lead prosecutor, Urbosa Sigatur, planned to summon me second after Auntie Purah. Urbosa was far from a stranger to me, however. She and I had collaborated on several cases in the past, and she shared with me many of my own ideals. She’d once even known my mother before her untimely demise. And so I decided not to question her judgment, however unconventional it may have seemed.

The prosecution’s opening statement had been based on the fact that the stolen Sheikah Slate, along with a bloodstained bullet, had been found in the defendant’s room, which, until recently, hadn’t been searched as it had been deemed irrelevant to the case. With these conclusive pieces of evidence, she’d stated, the defendant had been charged with both the theft of the Slate and the murder of its owner, Impa Sheikah.

The stolen object was the most central piece of evidence in the prosecution’s case. It had once been a target of my own immense interest, even before its theft. But that had all changed following its recovery. The riddle, though having been solved by means of professional reprogramming, still made little sense to me if any. “Carnation” was its answer, according to Auntie Purah herself. Much to my dismay, the secrets that the riddle had supposedly kept hidden had turned out to be nothing but my own fantasy. Every last piece of data that had once been stored in the Slate had been deleted, meaning the possibility of proving a motive for its theft was next to nonexistent. The only thing left in its memory was a diary entry, written by Auntie Impa the day before her murder. This in itself, however, held the potential to serve as a lead to her killer’s identity, at the very least.

The diary entry, as projected onto the courtroom wall by the Slate, went,

“Today was the first day of Zelda’s holiday visit. It is hard to believe that the last long term visit she paid us was already over a year ago. We have all missed her dearly. She seems as interested in my sister’s work as ever. It brought me joy to see the two of them bonding over their shared passion once again.

“However I must admit, I would still love for her to also spend some quality time with Paya some day soon. I sensed some resentment coming from her directed at my dear granddaughter. Perhaps it is something to do with that boy. Either way, it seems their relationship has hardly changed since she left the nest.

“I cannot say for certain whether anyone will ever be able to read this, but I have faith that Purah will figure it out. I am no good with machines like these, but I believe in her. At any rate, I hope she is the one who gets to read this message, but in the event that it happens to fall into the wrong hands, I will sign off here.”

With this, the prosecution’s argument, though a bit scattered across several different points, seemed sturdy enough so far. That Auntie Impa had seemingly known that her life would be taken the following night after writing her final message, combined with the fact that she’d received no threats from the outside world up until then, was one of the strongest pieces of evidence in our arsenal.

Paya’s defence lawyer, one Revali Twii, had made several attempts to dismantle her argument by claiming she had no possible way of knowing whether or not the victim had received a threat from outside the estate by phone. These attacks were easily deflected. As a foreigner to this city, Mr. Twii had been unaware that, thanks to the Sheikahs’ company, household phones here were all equipped with recording devices. Naturally, Ms. Sigatur had already listened to each recorded call since a month before the murder and had detected no discernible threat in any of them.

And yet in spite of all that, the argument shifted heavily in favour of the defence when it then carried out his cross examination. With how confidently Urbosa had stated her case, I never could’ve imagined how easy it would be for the opposing side to shatter it into countless, tiny pieces.

Mr. Twii’s primary line of questioning was a solid one, to say the least. He concurred with my deduction as presented by Ms. Sigatur that the parlour indeed was not the true scene of the crime. However, he claimed that the real crime scene could not possibly have been the defendant’s bedroom either. His basis for this was the gunshot. Paya’s room was in the same hallway that the sleeping quarters of the current witness, Auntie Purah, as well as myself, were in. Mr. Twii had her testify about the sound of the gunshot that she’d heard. In addition to the fact that it hadn’t seemed loud enough to have come from the very next room over, she’d only heard it once: from the parlour.

No doubt he intended to question me about the same thing when the time came for me to take the stand. I’d been itching to speak my mind and set things straight so badly that I’d had to cross my legs just to keep myself from getting up too soon by the time court was finally adjourned for a half-hour recess.

Now the prosecutor and I were together in a private room reserved for witness prepping. Normally I did just fine testifying on my own, but in this trial, everything was at stake, and I couldn’t seem to stop my heart from racing no matter what I tried. Thankfully I had Urbosa here, and simply talking with her had done much to calm my nerves already.

“You’re originally from out of town too, aren’t you?” I noted, thinking back on her performance.

“That I may be, but unlike that lawyer, I’ve spent enough time here to know of the perils this city is facing, and who’s been holding it together in spite of all that.”

“Right.” My lips rested against the curve of my index as my leg bounced restlessly underneath the table. “That schmuck really doesn’t have a clue, does he?”

“No, not likely. Though he’s quite the formidable opponent, I must say.” She leaned back in her chair, looking pensive, but not the least bit agitated. “My case took quite the beating out there.”

My heart rate was starting to pick up again. “You don’t think you’ll...lose...do you?”

“Who, me? Lose?” She let out a hearty bout of chuckles. “Young lady, are you quite sure you know who you’re speaking to?” I returned her laughter halfheartedly, unable to shake the foreboding feeling lying at the pit of my stomach. Urbosa cleared her throat, preserving her calm smile. “All jokes aside, I wouldn’t worry even if we do end up losing this one. The true criminal is still out there somewhere, and there is no such thing as a perfect crime.”

“I suppose...” Perfect crimes may not have existed, but neither did perfect investigations. If they ruled Paya out as a suspect, then only one other, “safe” option would remain.

“Alright, out with it. What’s on your mind?” Her hand had landed on my shoulder as she’d reached across the desk, over my half empty glass of water. “And why are you so set on getting Paya convicted, if I might ask? Sibling rivalry is one thing, but this is...”

I avoided her perceptive gaze, staring intently at the latch on my bag. What could I possibly tell her? “It’s just,” I stalled, eventually settling for a vague, “I’m running out of time.”

After a long pause, she leaned back, letting go of my arm. “I see. Well, whatever it is, know that I’ll be on your side no matter what, little bird.”

Oh, if only she’d known.

“So to sum up, you were outstandingly negligent in your investigation of the defendant’s bedroom.”

My jaw unhinged at what I’d just heard come out of the attorney’s mouth. I’d just finished giving him an explanation of my findings in as much detail as I could, during which time he’d been surprisingly polite, until now.

“You likely saw the Slate along with the bullet and made your arrest right then and there. You didn’t even stop to consider the possibility that you hadn’t found all there’d been to find in that room, did you?” I opened my mouth to respond, but he cut me off again. “In fact, I’m willing to bet you didn’t even attempt to look for the murder weapon.”

“Excuse me, Sir,” I retaliated with chest puffed up, “but my team and I searched the property from top to bottom, repeatedly, for two whole weeks, and—”

“Yes, I am well aware. However, you failed to complete a thorough search of this so-called ‘true crime scene’ before you arrested Ms. Sheikah. Do you deny it?”

I was floundering for words. Why bother questioning me if he merely intended to cut me off and answer his own questions? “I-I...”

“Objection.”

All eyes fell upon the prosecution. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

“The defence is harassing the witness, Your Honour.”

The judge gave a slow, considerate nod of his head. “Objection sustained.”

Twii gave Urbosa a subtle but unmistakable side-eye. I thanked her silently. “Speaking of the murder weapon,” he continued in his signature, holier-than-thou tone, “I have here Exhibit F: a list of traits possessed by the elusive firearm responsible for the victim’s life.”

This wasn’t good. The list in question had been compiled by the prosecution based on traits of the fatal wound revealed by the autopsy, as well as other traits shared by the two bullets that were found at the estate. It contained information like its .38 caliber and that it had likely been fired twice at point blank, to name a few examples.

“My question for you, witness, is the following. What did you find during your ‘investigation’ regarding the weapon?”

This was fine, I kept telling myself. He still had yet to present the most fatal piece of evidence in the record. “As I’ve said before, none of our searches turned up any sign of it, other than what’s listed on that piece of paper you’re holding.”

“Is that so?” The sarcasm rooted in his voice had me sweating bullets. “In that case, Ms. Hyrule, I’d like to turn your attention to this passage here at the bottom.”

That was “Inspector Hyrule” to him, but of course, he couldn’t care less for such trifling things as common decency.

But when I read over the passage at which he was pointing, my throat closed up.

“Allow me to read it aloud for the court.” He snobbishly cleared his throat. “And I quote, ‘The murder weapon and the circumstances surrounding it strongly suggest an Octoric M&P revolver,’ end quote. I’d also like to add that this particular model is favoured by the district bureau of police, who issue them out to many of their detectives for self-defence.”

I gritted my teeth, annunciating each word as I spat, “Get to the point.”

The smarmy bastard was hardly even phased by my unmasked hostility. “Now, now, Ms. Hyrule, you’ve no reason to worry,” he waved off. “After all, I have no intention of accusing you.”

When he spoke that last word, my heart stopped, and deep down, I knew it was over.

“Firstly I wish for you to clarify a few things for me, as you were one of the first to discover the scene of the murder when it happened.”

I gave a slow, strenuous nod, losing strength in my knees by the second, but standing my ground all the same. “Go on.”

“The defendant showed no sign of having a gun on or anywhere near her person when you arrived, correct?”

“Correct,” I lied.

“Good. Now that we’ve established that the defendant was unarmed, I’d like to present another piece of evidence.” He laid out flat a second sheet of paper on the stand in front of me. “Exhibit H. This is part of a record kept by the precinct where the witness is currently employed, alongside the rest of her team. It details a list of the firearms given out to detectives each day, as well as the time when each one was issued and when it was returned to custody at the end of its designated officer’s shift.”

And there it was. I’d known all along that it had only been a matter of time until he’d bring out this piece of evidence, but, evidently, I’d failed to prepare myself mentally for this. Perhaps a part of me had hoped not to be on the stand when it happened. All I could do now was hold my peace and pray that it wouldn’t get worse from here.

“This page corresponds with the day before the murder. Now, Ms. Hyrule,” he addressed, summoning a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, “I’m sure you’ll recognize this badge number here. Would you please read it aloud for me?”

I swallowed my nerves and did as he’d requested. “FB7732Z438LL.”

“Thank you.” He flashed me that shit-eating grin of his. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the number belonging to one Constable Link Fyori, the witness’ very own investigative partner.” A few whispers drifted through the gallery following that announcement. “One who reads this will also notice that, after his revolver was issued out to him the morning before the murder, it was never returned to the precinct’s custody thereafter. In fact, it is still missing to this day.”

With this, the whispers grew in number, creating a din of distrust that had the attorney smirking from ear to ear.

“Objection.”

The whispering dissipated. Twii’s shoulders sagged as he hypocritically shot Urbosa a look that said, “What now?”

“Mr. Twii, how is this relevant? Unless you have definitive proof linking Constable Fyori to the crime, I see no point in bringing it up.”

The judge gave a pound of his gavel with a bone-chilling shake of his head. “Overruled. The court will allow the defence to continue, provided that it has good reason.”

My mouth fell open, and so had Urbosa’s.

“Thank you, Your Honour. I was just getting to that, my good prosecutor.” Now even she seemed on edge. The tension in the air was thick enough to cut through with a knife. “I may not have proof as things stand currently. However, that is about to change. You see, I have reason to believe that our witness here is covering for someone.”

The courtroom broke out into an even louder din of murmurs, as if I couldn’t clearly hear each backhanded remark the members of the gallery were making at my expense.

The pounding of the judge’s gavel echoed throughout the room, and the whispering ceased once again.

“You must be mistaken.” I stood as tall as I could with how close my legs were to giving up on me. “I happen to be one of the most trusted detectives in the force. Why do you think I was put in charge of this case despite being one of the first on the scene?”

“Ah, but that, dear witness, was your superiors’ fatal mistake.”

Damn that solicitor. “What do you mean?”

“Although my client has elected not to testify to the court, she has let me in on a certain piece of information—one that I believe will make the jaws of everyone here drop to the floor.”

Surely not. Surely even she wouldn’t dare stoop so low.

“Inspector...” The attorney looked me dead in the eyes. The air was suffocating. “What do you have in your briefcase?”

Everyone was staring at me and murmuring amongst themselves, more raucously than ever before, like I was the one on trial.

“N-No, it’s—it’s not what it seems,” I wavered. Then mustering my shattered courage, “You!” I pointed my finger at Twii. “Prove to me that the defendant wasn’t lying. I demand to see proof!”

But my demands were met with silence. Even Urbosa was looking at me with cold contempt and disappointment.

“Bailiff.”

An officer appeared from the sidelines. He seized my bag.

“Wait, stop!”

I tried to wrest it from his grasp, but he was too strong. I watched helplessly as he opened it up, reaching in and revealing the murder weapon for all to see.

“No...!”

“Bailiff, what is the number engraved on that weapon?”

He seemed to recite the number in slow motion, twisting the knife with every digit. “FB7732Z438LL.”

“No, please!” I screamed. “It wasn’t him, he’s been framed! Please, Your Honour, you have to believe me!”

Amidst the roar of the crowd, I saw the conclusive shake of the judge’s head. With a pound of his gavel, he said, “I hereby order the immediate detainment of Link Fyori under the charge of first degree murder.”

I met eyes with my partner but half a second before I saw him be dragged out of his seat with brute force.

“No!”

“As for this witness, she shall receive her sentence after being questioned by the police for the concealing of evidence, contempt of court, and perjury.”

I cried out when an overwhelming pain shot through my arm. My family watched from the gallery in either horror or disgust, or a mixture of both perhaps. I tried with all my might just to get the bailiff to stop hurting me, but it was futile.

“Your Honour, just a moment please.”

With the judge’s approval, the man’s grip on my arm lightened up. The one who’d spoken had been none other than that wretched defence attorney.

“Inspector, if you don’t mind, I have one more question to ask you.”

I held my breath, bracing myself. Though there wasn’t much he could say at this point that could possibly make the situation worse.

“Why?” he finally asked. “Why did you feel the need to conceal such a critical piece of evidence?”

My entire face boiled over with heat. I looked around, taking in the courtroom’s atmosphere, and my whole being was filled to the brim with indescribable anger and shame. Barely able to swallow the charged whimper lodged at the cusp of my throat, I choked out the words, “No comment.”

The trial had ended while I’d still been in the middle of interrogation by my own peers. I was lucky enough to get off with a fine, but it was because of that hour-and-a-half-long lecture that I only found out about Paya’s “not guilty” verdict after the entire courtroom had been cleared out. This was no surprise to me, of course, but still a disappointment, to put it lightly. What was a surprise was that no one, not Paya, nor Auntie Purah, nor even Urbosa, had bothered to wait for me.

That was fine. They could think whatever they wanted of me. I’d simply have to redeem myself by proving Link’s innocence in his trial.

It was to this end that I made my way to the district’s Centre of Detention.

When Link appeared behind the iron bars of the visitors’ room, he was already sporting a worn and faded prisoner’s uniform, surely having just undergone an interrogation of his own. Though, from the looks of him, his had been considerably more thorough than mine.

I cleared my throat. “Hello, Link.”

“Hello,” he replied.

Deathly silence filled the air. The harsh ticking of the clock on the wall behind me was slowly starting to crawl under my skin.

“They, uhm...didn’t go easy on you, eh?”

He shook his head, eyes wandering without aim.

Why did it have to be so hard to talk to him sometimes? He’d never been so unapproachable back in our days as teenagers. Though now, I supposed, recent events were only making things even more difficult for me than usual.

“Look...” I took a deep breath, shifting in my seat. “I’m sorry. Alright? I couldn’t cover for you forever. They were bound to find out eventually. Please, don’t be upset.”

“What? Zelda...” His demeanour morphed from listless to urgent, almost apologetic, as he struggled to find his voice. “Why would I be upset with you? I never asked you to cover for me in the first place.”

“I know.” Now it was I who couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. “I just knew that you couldn’t have possibly... I mean, you would never—”

“I didn’t.”

He’d caught me with my mouth hanging open, when he’d cut me off.

“I didn’t kill her. I promise you.”

Of course he hadn’t. It was obvious, even though the revolver had borne no fingerprints and, with the gloves that he always wore, he wouldn’t have left any. What motive could he have had? He was an amnesiac, and even if he hadn’t been, he still wouldn’t have had a reason to kill my godmother.

I took out my pen and notebook, the only things left in my case that hadn’t been confiscated. “Tell me what you know, Link. Everything.”

A beat. Then he straightened his posture and began to explain his side of the story. As it turned out, my intuition had been spot on. This whole mess was the design of the Yiga organization. Link told me about his encounter with them before the murder. They had blackmailed him into surrendering his revolver to them, after which he would never see it again.

Though, even without a hint of deceit in his tone or manner, I had questions about the means by which the Yiga had blackmailed him. He had virtually nothing to lose. Didn’t he?

In any case, I honestly had considered showing him the gun that I’d found on the scene that night, but somehow I’d had the distinct impression that he’d known nothing about it, despite the very object in question belonging to him. I’d thought perhaps someone from the organization had switched out his weapon for another without his noticing. It was no secret that even the police bureau was infested with their ilk. In the end, I hadn’t been far off the mark.

The whole time he spoke, he had his head lowered, hair falling in front of his eyes, as if something were holding them back from meeting mine. Then he muttered, “When I had my encounter with the organization, I...remembered.”

His limited annunciation meant I had to take a moment to decipher the syllables of the last word he’d uttered. Then they sank in. “Wait. What? You mean you...” It felt beyond strange to even speak the words after so long. “You got your memory back?”

He lowered his head further. Was that a nod?

My mind went back to what he’d said to me on that one occasion in the office, not long after this whole mess had first begun. “Link, you...” My hands curled into themselves around the strap of my satchel. “All this time...why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t,” he pleaded. “It would’ve been a hindrance to the investigation.” I hated to admit it, but he was right. Dropping that bomb on me would only have thrown my conscience deeper into its already tangled web of turmoil.

Amidst all the questions swirling in my mind, one suddenly appeared, eclipsing all the rest. “Why did you disappear back then?”

At this, he finally looked up and met my gaze. But when he did, his eyes were wide, almost trembling. His look seemed to cast the whole room into a great, looming darkness.

“Oh, it’s...it’s okay if you’d prefer not to talk about—”

“No,” he exclaimed. “I must.” But the way his shoulders came up to meet his ears and how rapidly his chest rose and fell told me it wasn’t going to be an easy story to tell. “It was the Yi—” He choked on his words. “The...organization.”

There it was again. The name of the group I’d been chasing without rest ever since their appearance eighteen years prior. “I knew it...” I mumbled without thinking.

He steeled himself, then continued. “That day, my father was picking me and my sister up after school. Normally we would’ve ridden home with him in his automobile, but that morning, he and I had planned to surprise Aryll by getting...I think it was ice cream, on our way back. Anyway, we decided to walk home that day. But...” His face darkened yet again. “But then...”

Pressing him for more details would have been beyond cruel. I could only imagine the horrors that those blackguards had put him and his family through. “How many of them were there?”

“I’m not sure. All I know is that they had us outnumbered.” I nodded along, without thinking, as he continued his tale. “They were all armed with what looked like military grade shotguns, and they wore those masks with the inverted Sheikah family crest... I’ve always known that I’d seen that image somewhere before.”

No one knew why the organization had chosen this symbol for themselves, though I personally suspected it to be a show of opposition.

“Anyway, after they sh...shot father,” he struggled, a hand coming up to his now quavering lips, “they must’ve felt threatened by Aryll and me, because the next thing they did was...shoot her, too.” The way his tone had started to oscillate and how his face had drained itself of colour made my stomach churn. His anguish was so clear, it was devastating. “One of them had said something to the ends of, ‘We can’t have you scamps telling on us.’ But before they could...’shut me up’ as well, I fled.” Another pause. He kept on breathing. “I was too terrified to notice which way I was going. The whole time I ran, they kept firing at me. They were too reckless to aim properly, though, mind.”

“Well...that’s lucky, at least,” I tried. This was met with a sigh of reluctant agreement. “Still, how did you make it out of that with your life?”

“They stopped chasing me when I made it out of the back alleys and into the open,” he explained. “I suppose they couldn’t risk revealing themselves.”

Now it all made sense. Seven years ago, when he’d vanished without a trace, it was as though he’d never even existed in the first place. No one could get in contact with him or his family, and yet, no one batted an eye about it. It had seemed I’d been the only one who’d thought of it as anything less than perfectly normal. Just like when my mother had lost her life.

“We never had the chance to get ice cream that day.” He looked all but ready to burst into tears with that sentence. That was the moment I realized, no matter how drastically the last seven years of hell had changed him, there was still a fragment of that playful, hollow-legged sixteen-year-old left deep in his dark, forgotten core. If there was a way to bring that bright-eyed child back out into the light, I would find it, even if it spelled my demise.

Even so, there was one thing left that had yet to be explained. “What about your amnesia?”

“Ah...” His brow furrowed in thought. “I don’t know what caused that, to be honest with you.” He seemed to be racking his mind, but to no avail. “By the time those thugs finally gave up, I didn’t recognize my surroundings. I remember trying to find my way home, but I suppose I just ended up getting myself even more lost from there.” It was no wonder. The street names in this town were of little help in navigation, and it wasn’t hard to understand why he might have been apprehensive to ask for directions in such a bustling and hostile environment, especially after what he’d just been subjected to. “So I fell asleep in the streets that night,” he concluded with a shivering exhale. “The next morning, I woke up without the slightest notion of who I was.”

My heart took a plunge at the thought of his young self curled up in some alleyway, like a baby bird who’d fallen from the nest. “It must have been some sort of mental defence mechanism,” I conjectured. “That’s the only explanation I can come up with.” He slowly nodded his agreement. “After that, then, I suppose the rest is history.”

“Indeed...”

The visitors’ room fell into a deep, reflective silence, one nothing like that which had had me gasping for air moments ago. I watched the weary feelings of dread swim in his once bright blue eyes, tearing him apart.

He’d spent five whole years in that cold, cramped ward without even a name by which to call himself. And now we were back where we’d started. He may have regained his memories in the end, but at what cost?

I no longer felt the need to hunt down those who had wronged me. Now, my only desire was to slip between the bars that stood between the two of us and whisk him away to a far off land, where no one would ever hurt us again. But I pushed the impossible daydream aside. Even if escape were an option, we’d only be running straight out into range of Yiga fire.

“After your trial tomorrow...well, at the very least, I’ll lose my badge,” I smiled waywardly. Then, letting it fade and rolling my shoulders back, “Until then, I swear, I’ll do everything within my power to prove your innocence. Then we can go out for ice cream together.”

His eyes shimmered with unshed tears when he looked up at me then. Now that I thought about it, this seemed like the first time I’d ever seen him come close to crying, even in the time before the incident. Of course, he’d seen me in tears countless times back then. I wondered if he remembered them.

“Zelda...?” My name had started to leave his lips with conviction, but weakened on its way out. “There’s...something else I should tell you.”

“Anything.”

Just then, I caught him straightening out the cuff of his black-barred sleeve, concealing the fair skin of his wrist, out of the corner of my eye. “Never mind.” He again cast his gaze downwards, muttering an inaudible, “It’s nothing,” under his breath.

[kkairosclerosis]

uncommon things i associate my deities with~

hi guys! im back from a quick hiatus! 

i recently moved to the city, but not too far from where i lived previously in the country. living in the city, however, is proving to be a bit more difficult then i had imagined, so ive been taking some weekends to go back home and ground myself again so i can feel more connected to my craft<3.

anyways, this morning, i was sitting on the porch of my parents farmhouse, looking out onto the sunset as my idiot dog ran laps around the frost-covered lawn, feeling more connected to my deities than i had in weeks. i decided, ‘hey, here a nice post idea. maybe ill talk abt the things i associate with my deities that others might not, and hopefully inspire them to as well!’ so, here it is! 

uncommon things i associate my deities with!

hermes——««

if this isnt your first time on my blog, you probably know: hermes is my patron. he has been for a while, even before i began to worship him. if you want to know more about why, check out this post. 

regardless, you can imagine that i hold very dear everything i associate with him.

in this case, it’s my dog. 

my dog is an...interesting border collie named oliver. i got into hellenic worship very shortly after getting him, and i have a very strong feeling he has a lot to do with it. 

i am thoroughly convinced my dog is a child of hermes. hes chaotic, but extremely smart. very, very fast, and spends hours running out in the yard. just running. nothing else. its even more intense when its windy, which, if you read the aforementioned post, you know that i associate the wind heavily with hermes. hermes is also the god of animal husbandry, and oliver is quite the farm animal. 

watching him run, i always get a strong sense of comfort. i know that the energy of hermes resides in him, its very clear. its almost as if his running brings the wind.  like hes running, and hermes says ‘hey, that looks fun! let me join!’ 

i, very regularly, ask for hermes protection of oliver. i do this because i know of the love hermes has for him. i can feel it. it makes me comfortable knowing hes safe while im not home with him. and i can tell it makes oliver feel safe as well.

aphrodite——««

aphrodite has always been dear to me, even before i started actually worshipping. i remember reading about her in the mythology books i frequented in the art room after i finished my projects, carrying them out to the field to just sit and read. she was an embodiment of beauty to me, and that has not changed since, so its natural that i associate her with one of the things i find most beautiful on this plane of existence: clouds.

when i was thinking of writing this post, i was sitting and looking at a cloudless sky. i was thinking: why is it that we most often consider a cloudless sky beautiful? is it because of the absence of ‘blemish?’ does a cloud signify a flaw? must all beautiful things be completely clear, or without mark? 

obviously, i thought this was ridiculous. clouds are so very dear to me. i mean, i have an entire album of photos on my phone of pictures of clouds i have taken. i have always been enamored. 

while i was pondering this, it hit me. beauty is unique. beauty is individual. thats exactly what aphrodite is about. these ‘marks’ in the sky are what make the sky beautiful to me. aphrodite is in these ‘blemishes’ because i find them beautiful. 

now, i dont mean to wrap this up in a corny way, but i encourage the people reading this to think this way about themselves. beauty is in your imperfections because they make you you. i have not seen one cloud that looks exactly like another i have seen, and thats exactly what makes them so beautiful to me. aphrodite loves all of you, and someone else does as well, so do not disrespect them by being mean to yourself. their idea of beauty is not misconstrued, so trust them. and if you dont think someone thinks your beautiful, know that i do<3.

apollo——««

apollo, to me, has always been sort of an enigma. i have a harder time interpreting his signs, especially recently, and i think that its particularly because of my recent falling out with my creative side. i have sort of abandoned my art, and it think its difficult for him to communicate with me through anything else.

one thing, however, i can feel him in is the sound of the birds in the morning. particularly, roosters.

as i mentioned before, my parents live on a farm. its natural to hear roosters first thing in the morning. some people find it annoying, but to me, its incredibly comforting. it means another morning has come. i’ve lived another day, and i have a whole new one to look forward to, until i hear the rooster the next morning. it means the sun is rising, and apollo rises with him. 

as a witch who particularly enjoys the sunrise, but has a hard time waking up to see it, the roosters serve as a sort of natural alarm clock. even if i do not physically get up to see the sunrise, i know it is happening, and i am awake for that first moment of dawn. it brings me comfort and a sense of small accomplishment, even on really difficult days.

and the days im in the city, and cant hear the roosters, its the morning songs of the birds in the part right next to my apartment building. this might be even more so, as apollo is the god of music. 

its a different type of comfort to wake up to the chill of the morning and hear the birds, knowing its a deity that loves me and wants to see me the next morning as well. i hope you, dearest reader, come to feel the same:).

asclepius——««

now, i haven’t talked about this much on this blog, but to me, asclepius has been such a pillar for me as of recent. with the pandemic and my own current health situation, i rely on him a lot for hope and support. i ask him to protect both me and my friends and family from illness or ailment, and in case of ailment, i ask him to facilitate a speedy recovery. thus far, he has never failed me, and i do not ever expect him to. i put my trust in him wholly. 

other than health, i find myself associating asclepius with cleanliness. while i see asclepius as the medic, i also see him as someone who is clean and organized. this is why i associate him with dewdrops.

now, bear with me in my explanation. morning dew, to me, feels clean. it feels almost pure, as it is one of the first forms of moisture a person can be met with during the day. 

picture it now. you wake up at sunrise, and venture out into your yard, the chill of the am just tickling at your face, cooling your nose to the touch. you take your first step off of the deck, and your bare feet sink into the grass, cold, and now wet from the dew. the feeling is shocking at first, as your feet get used to the new temperature, fresh out of the warm comfort of your blanket that sits invitingly on your bed inside. 

but the feeling is fresh. its grounding. its healing. 

that, to me, is how asclepius feels. 

sobek——««

i must be honest, sobek is the reason this post came to existence. i feel extremely strong about this one, particularly because i feel that sobek is under-appreciated and misunderstood as a god. i constantly encourage people to include sobek in their worship, as he, to me, has proven to be one of the most reliable gods i have ever worked with. i feel such a sense of comfort and love within him. i could sit in his energy for hours, days even. especially as a person who suffers from bouts of paranoia, his energy is one to learn to accept and become. 

for me, i see sobek in flowers. 

not many would see this, as sobek has this image of a tough, crocodile, protection god, which he is. but what a lot of people forget, is that sobek is also a god of fertility, particularly in harvest. in fact, sobek has done so much for my family’s farm. our garden is plentiful, and our harvests are more than we know what to do with. we end up making a lot of extra things with it, and giving it away to family friends and neighbors. i genuinely think that sobek creates abundance in our garden so he can give to our community. that is how loving i know him to be. 

however, what i specified was flowers. one of the most common offerings i give to sobek are roses. he seems to love them. sobek seems to protect that of which he loves, and roses are a symbol of love for me. i want to attempt to give him what he has given me. 

my family has a wildflower garden in front of our home. the morning i was sitting on the porch, i felt his presence, and i immediately looked to the flowers. delicate, yet extremely strong, and persevering. thats how i wish to be, and i can feel sobek in the encouragement of the flowers. 

i hope that didn’t come off too corny, although im pretty sure it did lol. i hope that this post was a good insight into my deities and how i understand them to be! again, disclaimer, not everyone experiences the gods in the same ways! some may agree with this post wholeheartedly, and some may have completely different experiences that make them disagree entirely! i am not one to gatekeep and define what the divine is, because the divine shows itself in different ways to different people. i hope you enjoyed this post, and have a wonderful day!

p.s. i love you and you’re worth it!

[i-mist-you]

🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑🦑

Oh jeez thats a lot of squids. Get ready for a crap ton of random info.

Okay here we fricking go

1. 🦑 my favorite flower and color is wisteria (the shade of purple is gorgeous)

2. 🦑 i know im going to regret this. Its gonna take me a while

3. 🦑 i love chocolate, but my favorite is white chocolate

4. 🦑 my old best friend (ex-best friend?) came to school with like a bar of white chocolate sometimes and split it with me and yeah

5. 🦑 the other day i listened to the arena stage audio boot of deh. Here are a couple things that hit me

6. 🦑in the words fail scene, bway Zoe says “but you said that you used to talk about me with your brother-” but in this version she goes “how could you say you love me? How could you let me love you back?” And that hurt.

7. 🦑 also Evan goes “nothing can make sense of all these things I’ve done. Everything I’ve done”

8. 🦑 that line also hits because it can also be an implication that literally everything he has ever done always ended wrong/would have no excuse. And if you keep overthinking it, it really hurts.

9. 🦑 i love dear evan hansen, can’t you tell?

10. 🦑 hot take: its controversial whether or not deh was “all That™️” and i do think yes and no; like any fandom, the media can be overhyped and cause others to expect something that they end up not experiencing. To me, deh hit and hurt because i didnt know what to expect and it clicked with me.

11. 🦑 yeah i dont think that made any sense but whatever. I constantly do not make sense.

12. 🦑 “You have all these choices, I have none. You're all that I have to lose. Couldn't hurt you if I wanted to. I've decided on you” (Hurt Me Once, Ben Platt)

13. 🦑 im a very obsessive, clingy person

14. 🦑 i dont have tik tok and never plan on getting it. If the tiktoks are good, i’ll find them on other platforms

15. 🦑 i wish i could ice skate. if i could, i would want to figure-skate. I just have sh!tty balance and no flexibility/athleticism

16. 🦑 someone buy me a bi flag please thank you

17. 🦑 ive had ✨fiiiiiive mental breaakdowns✨

18. 🦑 another favorite flower of mine are forget-me-nots. I did a research project on them in second grade. They’re the national flower of Alaska, i believe (dont quote me on that)

19. 🦑 if i could, i would go visit all my mutuals and give em a hug

20. 🦑 i sometimes want to randomly and impulsively come out as bi to my parents cuz why the f**k not. I havent.

21. 🦑my favorite song growing up was “Fireflies” by Owl City

22. 🦑 “If people don’t mistake you and your best friend for a couple once in a while, are you even best friends?”

23. 🦑 i am often stuck in a paradoxical loop of wanting to get help and not wanting to be a burden

24. 🦑 I most likely have at least one undiagnosed mental illness

25. 🦑 I struggle to let things go, i am a sentimental person.

26. 🦑 hi go drink some water and wow you read all this thank you

Thx for the squids ig

[themfchase]

raven unit III (m) jjk

Jeon Jungkook x Reader

‒ raven unit. (m) chapter three: seamore. ✎  [10k words]

genre: political!Au, taskforce!Au, warcrime!Au

warnings: smut, angst, slight bdsm, fluff (?), gore, violence, drug mentions, alcohol mention, graphic description of violence, death With your life at risk and several people around you dead, your loyal head of security makes sure your safety is taken care of when he’s out of the picture. Three ruthless, dangerous and deadly men take on the task to protect and hide you, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok and the one in command, Jeon Jungkook. masterlist. chapter one. chapter two chapter four. chapter five. .raven unit:  drabble #01  drabble #02

Your body ached all over, your mouth was dryer than it had ever been before. You tried to open your eyes, but it felt like they were sow shut. Coughing, your body ached, and you groaned. You heard movement beside you, something wet and cold touching your lips right after. It was water. You drank with difficulty, trying to lift your head and dropping it back down. You finally were able to open your eyes. The room was dark. You were in a bed, an IV attached to your arm where you were being given blood and fluids.  “How are you feeling?” You heard a familiar voice. Your eyes traveling until it met its owner. Jungkook.  You hummed, unable to speak. He looked tired, dark circled under his eyes, as he put the cup back down beside you.  “W-where a-are we?” You asked, voice coming out hoarse and low. It was as if you haven’t spoken in weeks.  “Seamore.” Was all he answered, coldly.  “You lost a lot of blood, Jungkook asked Jin to get you a medical team, they operated you at gunpoint, probably not their best day at work.” A second voice joined, your eyes shifted to him, it was Yoongi. He also looked tired, but better.  You tried to sit up, Jungkook helping as you felt your body ache violently.  “You were out for a week.” This time it was Hoseok, he was also there. You felt your heart race, you were unconscious for a whole week, Jungkook gave him an angry side look, you noticed.  “We’re staying here until you recover, Jins evacuated the place, it’s only us,” Jungkook said. You looked around, noticing there were three more people int the room. You spotted Jimin, then Taehyung, and a new face. A tall man, the most symmetric and beautiful features you had ever seen, dark hair and arms crossed over his chest. You swallowed.  “Can I speak to Jungkook alone please?” You asked the men and Jungkook looked at them, slowly, each one left. Last was Hoseok, a guilty look on his face. Jungkook looked back at you.  “It wasn’t his fault.” You said and Jungkook looked away, irritated. “I asked him to close the door, I thought I was safe.” You said, and Jungkook looked back at you.  “You thought wrong.” He spat at you, and you were quiet, looking down at your hands.  “I’m sorry.” You said in a small voice, feeling your throat constrict.  Jungkook sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.  “Fuck, I thought you were going to die.” He let out in a breath, voice strained. “I thought you were going to bleed to death in my arms, and... And when we got here, you were already hanging by a thread, I saw your heart stop.” He looked back up at you, desperation in his eyes. It stung deep inside of you. You leaned forward, wrapping your arms around his neck, burying your face in it. “I’m sorry.” You said again on the edge of crying. Slowly, Jungkook’s arms wrapped around you, nose digging into your hair, he inhaled, relaxing in your hold. It was a rush of feelings all of a sudden. Being in his arms, not wanting to let go. You didn’t know if you had projected the turmoil of feeling onto Jungkook since he was the safe figure in your life, but you didn’t care, you just needed to reassure him. Pulling back, you looked up at him.  “It’s over, I’m ok now.” You said, and he nodded. “Please don’t be mad at Hoseok.”  Jungkook sighed again, hands coming and rubbing up and down your arms.  “I’ll try my best,” He said before pulling away and opening a drawer next to your bed. He blinked heavily a few times as he took medical supplies out of it.  “Jungkook, when was the last time you slept?” You asked him and he didn’t answer. “You have to rest.” You laid back down.  “You sound like Yoongi,” He spoke, voice tired.  ” Well, maybe Yoongi has a point." You looked at him. “I’m ok, Jungkook, I’m alive, you can rest now.” You said, and he turned to you.  “I have to change your bandages.” He ignored you.  “I can do it for you.” You heard an unfamiliar voice, looking past Jungkook, at the door. The man with the dark hair and broad shoulders looked at the two of you.  “Jin, it’s ok, I can do it.” Jungkook argued.  “No, you can go take a shower and get some sleep, she’s not going anywhere.” Jin approached the two of you. “Beside’s, I want to meet my guest.” He said as he stopped by the edge of the bed. Jungkook looked at you and you nodded. Sighing in defeat, he put the medical supplies down on the bed.  “Fine. If you need anything ask Jin, don’t hesitate in asking them to wake me up.” You nodded again, and he hesitated before finally turning and leaving. As he made his way out of the room, your eyes followed him, stopping at the man at the edge of your bed.  He took a few steps in your direction, eyeing you curiously. He was silent as he took the supplies and started prepping them.  “You’ve caused quite a hurricane of emotions on everyone,” Jin spoke.  You eyed him, pursing your lips.  “It wasn’t my intention.” You said.  He motioned for you to take off your shirt; you hesitated.  “Oh, dear, there is nothing there I haven’t seen this week.” He cocked an eyebrow. You sighed. You uncomfortably shifted, lifting your shirt with one hand, and he helped you hook your shirt over your injured arm. You covered your breasts with your free hand as he undid your bandages.  “I assume you and Jungkook are involved.” He said. “He wouldn’t worry this much for anyone, and I’ve known him for a long time.”  “It’s confusing.” You answered as Jin finally finished taking out your bandages.  “How so?” He asked, taking the cotton and soaking it in antiseptic.  “I don’t know how I can feel attached to him the way I feel without barely knowing him.” You admitted and Jin hummed, dabbing the cotton lightly on your closed wound. It stung a little, but nothing you couldn’t handle.  “How long have you two known each other?” He asked, throwing the used cotton away and taking another one, repeating the process.  “I think two weeks now.” You swallowed.  Jin was silent as he went on. You had known Jungkook for five days in total, twelve if you count the days you were out.  “Are you in love with him?” He asked bluntly, and you looked at him.  You couldn’t say no, but you also couldn’t say yes, all you knew is that you felt something, but even that didn’t make sense.  “I don’t think I am, but I know I feel something, it just feels too soon to feel anything at all, it feels like I’m cheating because I see Jungkook as this... Protective figure.” You looked down at your fingers. Jin started placing the gauze over your wound. He was gentle, as if he had done this several times before.  “But you’re not just seeing him as a protective figure, he is one. It’s his job.” Jin said, and you were left speechless. “And what about love at first sight, you don’t  believe in those things?” He asked.  You chuckled.  “It wasn’t loved at first sight.” You told him shaking your head and remembering the dark eyes that had woken you up two weeks ago. “Ok, fine, maybe love at fifth sight, it doesn’t really matter, what matters is...” He started wrapping the bandage around your shoulder. “You feel something, too soon or not, you do, and there isn’t anything you can do about what you feel, but what are you going to do about the two of you?” He asked, finishing up the process and setting tape over the bandage.  “What do you mean?” You questioned. He finally looked at you, sitting down at the edge of the bed and helping you put your shirt back on.  “What I mean is... What happens after this is over?” He rested his hand on his thigh. “Do you have any intention of leaving this all behind and not looking back? Or do you think you’ll want something with him?” He seemed calmed. You thought about it. If this all ended, could you go on with your life without Jungkook in it? Or would you find a way to keep him? Just the thought of not having Jungkook around made you feel sick and your face twisted. You looked back at Jin. A soft smile tugged on his lips.  “That’s a good enough answer for me.” He said, pulling your covers off of your legs.  “They had a pretty bad fight,” Jin told you as he walked around the bed, to the other side, where your leg wound was. You could only imagine what ‘a pretty bad fight’ meant for Hoseok and Jungkook.  “It wasn’t his fault.” You said as you turned on your side, you were only in your underwear. Fresh ones.  “But it was,” Jin said, and you furrowed your brows. “He had instructions to not leave you alone with anyone but one of them and he did so, right?”  “Yeah, but I made him close the door.” You argued.  “And you weren’t the one in charge, dear.” Jin raised both eyebrows. He started unwrapping your leg. “As much as I appreciate your concern for Jungkook’s and Hoseok’s relationship, if this were any other situation, you’d be dead, you almost did die.” He put the bandages aside. “In war, you don’t forget orders, dear.” Jin looked back at you. You had no argument for that, you sat silently while he cleaned your wound, it no longer hurt and you looked back at him, he understood your confusion.  “After they operated on your shoulder, the doctor noticed your other wound, took care of it, took out the bullet, closed it properly, it’s healing faster.” You nodded in understanding. “You wanna see it?” He quirked an eyebrow with a glint of excitement in his eyes.  “The bullet? You kept it?” You asked, and Jin finished wrapping you up before walking beside you again and opening the drawer. He took it out, a silver bullet. He looked at it, amusement filling his eyes. “9-millimeter ammo...” He said. “It’s the most common around the world, the same one I have in my gun.” Gently, he placed it in your palm. It was cold. You looked at it, it felt like a useless object, but it was inside of you once.  “That little thing has killed more people than cancer, yet the largest cause of death in the world is heart disease.” He shook his head. “What are the odds?” He looked back at you. You were quiet for a while as you looked at the bullet,  sighing. You were mentally and emotionally tired of being hunted down; you needed a break. Looking around the room, you finally realized you were at Seamore, a place you didn’t know other than this room.  “Where am I?” You asked.  Jin sat down on the edge of the bed again.  “Seamore. My home. My work.” He started. “It’s similar to Red Hawk, only we’re underneath a city.” You looked up at the ceiling. Jin chuckled. “We’re right at the border. If things had gone according to plan, you’d already be in Safehouse.” He stated. You nodded, thinking about what Jungkook had said. It was only the seven of you. “You sent your men away.”  Jin hummed.  “When Jungkook asked Jimin to call, he said he didn’t want anyone but us here, so I sent my men away before sending the helicopter.” He informed. “You all seem very close.” You played with the bullet in your hand.  Jin tilted his head, taking a deep breath.  “We all served together, yes, but we have history.” He started. “When I met Jungkook, I was his first commander, he had just joined the police force back in Soul.” You looked up at him, intrigued. You wanted to know more about Jungkook. “He was full of life back then, wanted to be a man of law and integrity, then right after, I convinced him, Jimin and Taehyung to join another force task, first it was as a Federal Agent, then, it suddenly wasn’t enough, he wanted more...” Jin looked down at the sheets. “So we joined the military, met Yoongi and Hoseok, we all trained together, two years, the six of us.” He had a nostalgic smile on his face. “Soon after we were joining White Tiger, that’s where we met Namjoon.” He said. You lifted your eyebrows, that was a name you vaguely remembered. “We served four years as White Tiger before we were being sent out to the war, the seven of us, we were inseparable. Soon, Jungkook was our commander, he was... He was fierce. He still is fierce. But this world is fucked up...” Jin looked back at you with melancholy. “Greedy people and money, we were framed, Jungkook tried taking the blame, Hoseok and Yoongi didn’t let him, so they all did time together, two years.”  You were shocked, you couldn’t imagine Jungkook in jail, especially for something he hadn’t done. “Eventually Philip came along, made a deal with the devil and they were pardoned.” He finished.  “Philip helped them?” You asked.  “Not without a price.” He mused.  “They trust Philip, though.” You argued.  Jin was silent for a few minutes, and the silence was enough to make you think Jin had a different opinion.  “You don’t.” You looked back down at the bullet in your hand.  “Ah, well, I don’t trust anyone but the seven of us. Besides, a man with that influence can only have one objective in mind.” He slowly got up. “And what is that?” You questioned, laying back down.  “Money.” He finished, eyes focused on yours.  You took a deep breath, holding the bullet firm in your palm.  “Get some rest, tomorrow I’ll give you a tour around the place.” He smiled at you before turning on his heels.  And he was out of the room. You sighed, thinking of everything Jin had said. He was a calm man, but smart, you could tell. You had met many men that were like Jin and knew that he was smarter than he seemed. Soon, you closed your eyes, trying to get some more rest.  You woke up to someone coming to check on you, eyes blinking as you looked up.  “Hobi.” You whispered, he looked down at you, a guilty smile on his cut lips. You would see the bruise around his left eye.   “Hey... You should sleep some more, I just came to check on you.” He stated, looking back up at your IV.  “I’m sorry.” You said, and he stopped moving, pursing his lips and looking back at you.  “What are you even sorry for?” He asked.  You gulped.  “None of this would have happened if I hadn’t asked for privacy.” Hoseok nodded, sitting back on the bed and looking down at his hand.  “Even if I understand why you’re apologizing, you still have nothing to be sorry for, my job is to protect you and assess any possible danger, I made a bad call when I allowed you to be alone with that woman, too hung up on the fact we were at Red Hawk, a place I deemed safe.” He started, and you sighed, silence taking over for a while. “It’s not the first time Jungkook and I throw fists at each other, you know?” He looked at you, a nostalgic smile on his face. You smiled back at him.  “He’ll get over it, I’m sure.” He said getting up and taking your hand. “Thank you for having my back... I’m really sorry.” He said with sincerity in his words. You nodded and watched as he walked out of the room.  Seamore was like an underground bunker, only it was as large as a mall. White tile covered walls with led white lights and metal bars all over the place. You walked slowly as you dragged your IV with you, looking around the open space. Jin walked beside you in silence.  “How did you even build his?” You asked after a while. Jin chuckled, and you looked at him.  “I didn’t... It was already here when I bought it, it used to be an underground military base for the Russians back in the ‘70s, I only renovated it.” He said, both hands resting behind his back as he followed your pace.  “I want to ask how you all even have the money for this, but I’m afraid to.” You said, chuckling. There was no point in asking, really. You knew that whatever means they went through to get money, probably wasn’t legal.  “I’m sure you wouldn’t be pleased with that information.” He quirked a brow, and you smiled at him. “Here, let me show you my favorite place around here.” He leads the way. You followed, curious.  When you walked through the metal door there laid a fully equipped industrial kitchen. A cooking island in the middle and even a freezer. “Cooking is my form of therapy, I enjoy learning new recipes.” He said as he leaned both hands against the metal table in the middle.  “I can’t even remember the last time I cooked, probably back home, with my mother.” You said as you made your way around, looking at all the cooking utensils and such.  “Ah, yes, home.” He leaned back on the sink and looked at you, waiting.  You looked back at him, understanding he wanted you to talk about it. You sighed.  “It was a normal home, as normal as it could be for the president’s daughter. My mother helped me with my homework, my father and I would go to baseball games occasionally. Sometimes it all rushed back that he was in charge of a whole country. I had to hear republicans talk about him as if he were the worst person ever.” You said, crossing your arms and leaning against the wall. Jin quirked an eyebrow, curious. “But that also brought Thomas into my life, he was with me all day every day, I saw him as this uncle figure, you know?” You smiled and Jin sighed. You didn’t even notice your eyes watering. “He’s dead now... He died on our way to camp.” You wiped the tears that started flowing down.  “And how many more people died?” Jin asked. You looked up at him, the question taking you by surprise.  “I-I I’m not s-sure. I know that  the men at the house died trying to protect me, then the people at camp died, I was, I was in the helicopter when they struck, I never even saw anyone’s face.” You were looking at the cemented floor as you remembered all the people that had died because of you, your hand coming up to your lips to silence your crying.  Jin was silent as he took in your reaction. He tilted his head to the side. “You think this is your fault.” It wasn’t a question.  You didn’t say anything, just cried in silence.  “Y/N, do you understand that those people didn’t die because of you?” He asked, and you looked up at him, shaking your head in denial.  “They died trying to protect m-me.” You said.  “Yes, they did. But they didn’t die because they were protecting you, that was their everyday job, they died because someone gave the order.” Jin pulled away from the sink and slowly walked your way. He put his hands in his pockets. “People only die when someone wants them killed, and unless you gave the order, you’re not at fault.” He said, and you swallowed, pursing your lips.  “Jin, I think that’s enough shrink playing for the day.” Your head shot in the direction of the door where you were met with the familiar white hair.  “Ah, Yoongi, glad of you to join us.” Jin smiled, “I was about to make breakfast.” He finished with a small smile on his lips.  Yoongi ignored the man and walked to the black coffee machine, taking two mugs from beneath the sink and serving. You dried your face with the back of your hand. Yoongi walked to you and handed you one of the mugs.  “Come on, let’s go see the boys.” He said, and you nodded, looking at Jin that was now folding his sleeves up his arm.  You walked with Yoongi in silence before he broke it.  “I think we should train you when you’re healed.” He said, and you looked at him in a silent question. He eyed you.  There was this dark aura about Yoongi that you didn’t notice for the first few days. He was more serious than the other man, almost as serious as Jungkook.  “We don’t know when another situation like that can happen so, it’s better to teach you the basics of self-defense, maybe teach you how to shoot.” He brought the mug up to his lips, taking a sip.  You watched closely as you saw his jaw move. It wasn’t a secret to you that all men in the unit were undoubtedly attractive, but other than Jungkook, Yoongi had a small effect on you. “How does Jungkook feel about this?” You asked, turning the corner as you made your way to wherever the boys were.  “He accepted, we can start basic training the day after tomorrow, wouldn’t want any of your wounds opening.” He turned his face and smirked, probably teasing you about the moments before you were attacked. You rolled your eyes. There was always a boyish way to them, it was refreshing.  As you finally reached the room where the boys were gathered, you noticed it looked more like a lounge. Taehyung was the first to see you, a wide smile spreading across his face as he got up and met you halfway.  “How are you feeling, birdie?” He ruffled your hair, making you chuckle.  “A little sore, but I’m ok.” You smiled back at him, eyes looking at Jimin.  “Glad you’re ok, Raven.” He smiled briefly and nodded. Smiling back you made your way to the couches they were seated at, noticing Hobi looking at you quietly.  “Hey Hobi...” You smiled at him. “Mind if I sit next to you?” He lifted his eyebrows and shook his head and you took a seat, the rest of them settling down and you noticed Jungkook wasn’t there, looking around.  “He said he had some things to take care of because of the delay.” Yoongi noticed your silent question and answered while he sat down on the couch opposite to you. “He left before the sun came up, he’ll be here soon.” You pursed your lips and nodded.  “So, you’re going to become part of the Unit I heard.” It was Jimin who started the small talk.  You chuckled.  “I don’t think Jungkook is going to find it easy to teach me how to be violent.” You laughed.  “Who said anything about Jungkook?” Yoongi questioned and you looked at him. “Jungkook sucks at teaching, me on the other hand...” He rested his elbows on his knees, leaning in. “I’m the Master.” He smirked and the boys all started laughing, making fun of him, even Hoseok. “Yeah, if you call slapping the shit out of newbies when they get on your nerves,” Hoseok commented.  “Or making them stand naked in the rain for five hours.” A voice came from the door and Jin was coming is with a cart of food. Everyone laughed, and you were curious, wanting to know more.  “Shut up, I was just teaching them that life won’t be kind to them when they fuck up.” Jin hummed, sitting down next to Yoongi and setting the plated on the coffee table in front of the couches.  “Something life isn’t kind even when you don’t fuck up,” Jin said, and Yoongi rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, well, those fuckers wouldn’t last a day in Jail.” He retorted, starting to pile up an empty plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, and bread.  You pursed your lips yet again, this time wanting to know more about their time in jail.  “How long did you guys do time?” You asked, not making eye contact, and the room went silent. They exchanged knowing glanced before deciding on answering.  “Enough to not ever want to go back.” It was Hoseok that answered, you hummed.  “Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad,” Yoongi said with humor in his voice.  Hoseok scoffed, leaning in and also filling his plate.  “Speak for yourself, I hated that place, wasn’t meant for me.” He shook his head. “You, on the other hand, fit right in.” The surrounding boys all laughed and started eating the food Jin had prepared.  “How about Jungkook?” You asked taking a grape and popping it into your mouth. You looked at Yoongi and he quirked an eyebrow. Looking at Jin, he nodded.  ‘Well... Although Hoseok here thinks I fit in with criminals, Jungkook on the other hand." He paused. “Let’s just say he can be intimidating.” He looked up at you.  “You’re all intimidating in my opinion.” You said.  “Wait, even me?” Hobi looked surprised, pointing at his own chest.  You nodded, and the boy’s laughed.  “But, I have to admit... Jungkook is... He has a darkness inside of him like there is a part no one can reach, like a part of him he shows to no one, not even to you guys.” You only noticed what you had said after you finished, looking up to see all eyes on you.  “Guess she really is becoming one of us, she notices it too.” It was Jimin’s turn to talk, chucking bitterly as he did so. You chewed on another grape, feeling a tad bit uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation.  “Was... Was everyone afraid of him in jail?” You wanted to change the subject.  “Afraid is an understatement. Some people wanted him to become some sort of leader in there,” Hoseok said.  “Honestly, I think he was a great leader. Too bad he went to isolation for two weeks after he battled.” Yoongi shrugged.  “Hm?” You furrowed your brows, not understanding.  “Isolation, man, jail sucks, but being isolated from society for two whole weeks? Drives a dude mad, I still remember the look in his eyes when he came out.” Hoseok set his plate back down, shaking his head.  “But why did he have to go to isolation in the first place?” You asked.  “Well, even if he didn’t want to become a leader, the one in place heard that some inmates wanted to choose a new one and decided to challenge Jungkook, like, a fight of sorts.” Yoongi started. “Son of a bitch said there was going to be a fight in the court after lunch. Even the officers were in on it, can’t say authority liked us, but they didn’t tell us that the dude had a weapon.” Your eyes bulged. “We knew that there was no way of getting out of it, so he decided to fight, pretty confident in his body to body engage, middle of the fight, he gets stabbed in the torso.” Both hands come up to your mouth in shock.  “H-how... Did he lose?” You questioned, and Yoongi shook his head. “Then how d-did he win?” Yoongi opened his mouth to answer but was cut off.  “I continued fighting with the thing sticking out of me...” All eyes shot to the owner of the voice, standing in the entrance, hands crossed over his chest. He was in all black, like the last time you had seen him at Red Hawk. Taking a step forward, he continued. “Managed to bring him down, straddled him, using my knee on his chest to make sure he stayed down, took the improvised knife out of me and stabbed him in the throat, the officers were only able to immobilize me when I knew he was dead.” He finished, standing now at the end of the couch, eyes roaming through the people in the room.  “Way to be explicit at breakfast, Jungkook.” Jimin rolled his eyes, putting his plate down, not feeling his appetite. “Pussy.” He teased, and the tense atmosphere that had settled at his arrival dissipated.  “How’d it go?” Yoongi asked, resuming his eating. You avoided looking at Jungkook, unable to hide the heat in your cheeks at all the conversations you had had about him and the very live memory of you both in the shower.  “We’re good, spoke to Namjoon and he said we have an opening in two weeks, we can start with her training in the meantime, won’t get us too far, but at least somewhere.” He spoke and Yoongi nodded. “How are you feeling?” He looked at you.  “G-good, yeah...” You stuttered. “Jin took me for a walk.” You smiled weakly, and he hummed. Something was off, Jungkook was being all too dry all of a sudden.  “Ok, good, you should get some rest, we’re starting training tomorrow despite your wounds, we don’t have much time.” He put his hands in his pockets, the boys suddenly quiet.  “Ok.” Was all you answered, a little disappointed.  “The rest of you, back to work, procrastinating time is over.” He said a little more stern, and the boys started to move. You watched as even Jin was gathering the things and slowly they all exited the room quietly, you and Jungkook being the last ones there. You looked up at him, his eyes trained on your small figure, the IV still by your side.  “Was that necessary?” You asked him and sighed.  “What do you mean?” He questioned, no change in his demeanor.  You turned your body in his direction.  “We were having a conversation and eating breakfast, you could have waited a little longer.” You said, and Jungkook shifted in his spot.  “Oh, I’m sorry, did I interrupt your brunch time, Miss President?” He said, sarcastically.  ”Whoa, what was that for?" You furrowed your brows.  “In case you forgot, we’re in the middle of a manhunt, the ‘man’ being you, unless you want to live we can’t forget what we are here for.” He argued.  “Yeah, Jungkook, I get it, but I could use a little normal every once in a while.” You argued back.  “Normal? Did you completely forget you were almost killed?” He raised his voice.  “No, I didn’t, but I wasn’t killed Jungkook, I’m still alive, I’m right here.” You raised yours.  “I saw you die!” He yelled. You went quiet.  Yes, Jin had told you that your heart had stopped, he saved the details.  “You were dead, gone, flatlined.” He went on. You looked down. “I saw you white, lifeless and drenched in your own blood before they brought you back.” He was short of breath. You swallowed, looking up at him again.  “How many times am I going to have to apologize? I told you I was sorry, I made a mistake and I’m sorry I put you through that.” Your voice was softer than you intended and his shoulders relaxed.  “I just...” He started but shook his head.  “You what Jungkook?” You stood, taking two steps towards him.  “Nothing, I need us to focus on this mission and make sure nothing like that happens again, our priority is to keep you alive.” He looked away, and you stretched your arm, resting your hand on top of his, he stilled.  “Ok.” You answered him, reassuring him that you were going to do your best, he looked up at you, the space between you both closing with each second.  “I need to go check on the... The weapons we have for training.” He cleared his throat and took a step back, turning his back to you and leaving you alone in the silent room.  Something had certainly changed between you and Jungkook, and the following week had only proven that.  There had been no more intimate interactions if anything, Jungkook had been avoiding you at all costs, not staying alone with you more than necessary, instead assigning Jimin to be the one to watch over you when you weren’t training body to body combat with Yoongi or with anyone else. You had grown closer to the others, waking up early in the morning and always cooking breakfast with Jin, you all made it a habit to eat together in the lounge, Jungkook would join but stay quiet, not partaking in the conversation and although it bothered you, you didn’t want to push him.  Your wounds were healing perfectly, and Hoseok was the one helping you with physical therapy every afternoon before and after training. You found yourself very fond of him, noticing just how warm-hearted and kind Hoseok was.  The evenings were Taehyung’s shifts, where he always had a bottle of something hidden under his jacket and you two would talk about mundane things while you shared a drink before Jimin came to get you back to your room, where he usually stayed until you fell asleep.  You knew Jungkook took over after that; you had woken up one night and noticed him sitting on the chair next to your bed looking into that black little notebook he always had with him, you just shut your eyes and went back to sleep, wanting to say so much but being too tired to do so.  Today was the first day you’d be spending alone time with Jungkook.  Now that your shoulder wound was practically healed you were going to have your first shooting lesson and Jungkook was the best shooter.  Making your way to meet with Yoongi, you stopped at the door and thanked Hoseok for walking with you and you stepped into the small training room where you stopped in your spot, noticing that Yoongi wasn’t alone. Both heads turned your way.  God, why did they have to be so attractive and lethal at the same time?  “Jungkook... What are you doing here?” You asked, clearing your throat and starting to walk yet again.  “Just wanted to watch and see how you improved, if your shoulder is hanging on to, and how we can start with the shooting today.” You eyed Yoongi, that teasing smirk on his lips that you kinda hated but loved was there. “Go ahead.” He walked towards one of the chairs and sat down. “Hey there, princess.” He teased you.  Princess had become a pet name you hated, Yoongi only used it when he wanted to get on your nerves.  “Don’t start, you ass.” You rolled your eyes and started to tie your hair.  “Or what?” He eyed Jungkook from his peripheral vision. “Gonna ask your boyfriend to kick my ass?” He whispered so only you could hear. You clenched your jaw.  “Might just do it myself.” You retorted.  That was Yoongi’s cue, and he came forward, both hands headed for your throat before he could even reach it you did exactly what you were taught, both hands coming from the side and slamming down onto his arms before you turned and faked him in the throat.  “Good!” Yoongi praised. “That was a lot better.” After what seemed like ten minutes of you both going through routines, Jungkook stood up.  “Are you two both done warming up?” He asked in a stern voice.  You looked at him, brows furrows and chest heaving up and down.  “W-What do you mean?” You asked, and Yoongi crossed his arms.  “All I saw was you showing her exactly what you were going to do and giving her time to remember her moves.” He sounded irritated. “You went slow and we know that if this were real situations she probably wouldn’t de doing so well.” You opened your mouth to argue, but Yoongi beat you to it.  “Jungkook, she’s a civilian, she doesn’t know hand to hand combat, and she had a week of training, I think she’s doing pretty good.” He argued.  “I want to see how she’d handle it without you being so gentle.” He crossed his arms, demanding. “Jungkook, I don’t think-“ Yoongi started, but you interrupted. “No, he’s right... People out there won’t be gentle, they’ll be trying to kill me.” You looked at Yoongi and you saw dread on his face, he didn’t want to hurt you.  “Jungkook should do it.” You said, looking at the man.  Jungkook uncrossed his arm, eyes slightly bulged.  “I trust that he’ll know when to stop.” He pursed his lips, jaw clenching, and sighed, rolling up his shirt.  “Fine.” He said, getting in front of you, you turned to face him.  “Ok, should we at least set a safe-“ He didn’t let you finish, launching his body forward and soon his hand was around your neck, pushing your body to the ground, harshly, your head hitting the floor. You saw Yoongi take a step forward, but he stopped himself.  “And you’re dead,” Jungkook said, hand still wrapped around your throat, but loose. “This is what I was talking about, if keep going ea-“ You hit his hand with your elbow, making him lose his balance and fall forward, quickly, you rolled on the floor, straddling him and putting your hand around his throat, but never pressing.  Jungkook took a few seconds to react, chest rising and falling as he looked at you.  All of a sudden you were too aware of the position and the way his eyes went dark didn’t help. His hand slowly came up and gripped at your writs, pressing as his thumb gently rubbed up and down. You wanted to give in; you wanted to submit and to show just how something as stupid as this was enough to have you keen to him, but you were mad at him. No, you were absolutely pissed at him for avoiding you for a whole week, regardless of his fears, just ignoring the fact that both of you were intimate a week ago and acting as nothing happened.  Your features softened when you heard Yoongi shuffle uncomfortably in the room. You got up quickly, patting your clothes and looking at Yoongi and back at Jungkook who remained on the floor.  “Maybe Yoongi should try.” You suggested and the white-haired boy’s eyes went wide-eyed, looking at Jungkook on the floor and even if you didn’t see the man’s reaction Yoongi quickly shook his head.  “I uh, I think you two should just go on without me, we only have twenty minutes left anyway, so, go on.” He put both hands in his pocket and slowly made his way out of the room.  You stood there sighing before you suddenly heard Jungkook behind you. “Listen, Jungkook...” You turned around and stopped talking when you noticed just how close he was. He quirked an eyebrow.  “Yes?” He asked. You swallowed, taking a small step back.  “Look...” You tried to think of better ways to say what you wanted to say without sounding like an infatuated teenager. “If... If you want to ignore what happened between us that is completely ok by me, but, it would have been nice to have a heads up before I’m being ignored by the guy that fucked me a week ago.” You looked at him, breathing in.  Bringing his lower lip into his mouth, Jungkook broke eye contact, chuckling bitterly.  “I’m sorry if I’m focused on keeping you alive rather than have sit-downs to talk about us.” You felt a sting in your chest, silence filling the room for a while before you looked down and spoke. “Is that what this is, then? It’s just a mission and you’re conveniently attracted to me?” You crossed your arms over your chest, feeling small. He went quiet, and you swallowed, not needing him to answer, yet... You refused to believe his silence.  “You know what, I think you’re full of shit.” You said, and he furrowed his brows in confusion. “Yeah, I think you care about me, more than just a mission and even if I’m not sure why you’re acting the way you are and being indifferent, I think you should be as tough with me as you are with the rest of the world because right now, you look like a fucking coward.” You gave him a weak smile."I think you’re scared. And honestly, so am I... I’m so fucking scared Jungkook, not just for me, but for you, and for the boys. What if something happened to them because of me, what if someone else dies because of me?" You looked up at him and his eyes went soft. “How about after? I have no idea what’s going to happen and I honestly don’t want to think about it... But I have to do this, there isn’t any other choice...” You breathed in, trying to hold in your tears. “I would just like it if instead of making this harder... You’d just make it easier.” You looked back at him again. You shook your head when he didn’t answer and walked out of the room frustrated. You weren’t surprised when instead of Jungkook showing up for your first shooting lesson; it was Jin.  The first class went smoothly, you learned the basics and Jin was rather patient with you like he always was. As the night rolled in you all got ready for dinner and once again Jungkook wasn’t there, you sighed when you noticed his absence and Yoongi gave you an empathetic look while you just smiled at him weakly and ate while the boys started to argue about something like they usually did.  After dinner, you walked back to your room with Jimin and as you approached; you saw Yoongi by the door.  “Hey, Chim, I’ll take over today,” Yoongi said and Jimin furrowed his brows.   “You sure, Jungkook said-“ “I know what Jungkook said, you’re dismissed, I’ll take it from here.” He cut the boy short and Jimin shrugged before saying goodnight and walking to his room. You looked at Yoongi in confusion and he smiled down at you before he showed what was hidden under his jacket. A bottle of bourbon. You chuckled, shaking your head. “I thought you might want to talk after today.” He shrugged.  “Did you change places with Taehyung? He’s the one that usually tried to get me drunk.” You smiled and opened your door, making your way in while Yoongi followed.  “Well, I just didn’t get to spend my designated time with you an as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of missed your ass.” He smiled and sat at the chair next to your bed.  You walked towards the small locker where you kept your clothes.  “Missed me, huh?” You laughed.“ Are you gonna fight big bad Jungkook for taking me away from you?” You teased, and he rolled his eyes.  As you slowly slid off your pants and pulled your shirt up, Yoongi cleared his throat and turned around. You looked back, laughing when you noticed. “Oh, please, like you even care, if I remember correctly you were peaking the first time we met.” You finally put on some comfortable clothes and crawled in bed. Yoongi turned back to you, cheeks slightly red. You laughed at him.  “God, who would have known all of you killers would be so soft.” You shook your head and extended your arm, pointing at the bottle. Yoongi gave it to you after taking a swing. He made a face and handed you the bottle.  “Yeah, well, who would have known you weren’t such a spoiled rich girl after all.” He teased back. Taking a drink, you felt the alcohol burn down your throat, coughing afterward.  “You need to teach Jungkook how to be soft.” You said after you recuperated from your coughing.  “Jungkook is just difficult... He has his soft side.” Yoongi said.  “I know he does, I guess I’ve seen a bit of it before he stopped liking me.” You shook your head and took another sip. “Y/N, he didn’t stop liking you, come on.” He reasoned with you.  “I don’t know, Yoongi... He changed. I don’t know what it is... I wish I could understand, you know? It would be less painful.” You looked down at the bottle. “It’s not even about being rejected, I can accept that, it’s just the lack of communication, not understanding him, not knowing what troubles him and why one moment he looks at me like I’m everything and the next he looks at me like I’m just... A mission.” You looked at Yoongi and he had an understanding look in his eyes.  “You should get some sleep, It’s been a long day.” Yoongi takes the bottle from your hand and you nod, getting comfortable. It was quiet for a while before you broke the silence.  “Yoongi?” You called, and he hummed. “I really like him.” You said in a sleepy voice, mind drifting off to sleep after a few moments of silence.  You don’t how long you were asleep before you heard the door open, it was unusual for you to wake up, but maybe the alcohol had made your sleep lighter than usual.  “Why did you trade places with Jimin?” You heard Jungkook’s voice. He was talking low in the dark room. Yoongi sighed.  “Just wanted to spend some time with her, she could use a little normal.” The other answered quietly.  “You don’t break protocol without talking to me first, do you understand?” Jungkook sounded irritated.  “Jungkook, we’re safe, I’d bet my life on it,” Yoongi argued. You tried your best to be quiet and pretend you were asleep. Jungkook was silent for a few seconds.  “Are you in love with her, is that it?” Jungkook questioned and even you were surprised by it.  “Oh, fuck you, Jungkook, you don’t get to do that,” Yoongi said bitterly. You could hear the slight drunkenness in his voice. “You don’t get to act possessive or jealous when everyone can see you’re the one pushing her away.” He finished and you could hear the bottle moving. “I care about her just like I care about every single person in this unit, excuse me if I refuse to treat her as a mission and instead as a human.” Your heart constricted at his words. Everything went quiet, and you wondered if they had left for a second before you heard Jungkook sigh.  “I’m just trying to stay focused, I don’t want to make any mistakes, I can’t afford it.” It was the first time in a while you felt like Jungkook’s words were raw.  “There is no point in bubble wrapping her like this if by the end of the mission there are no feelings left to even cultivate, bro.” Yoongi’s voice went lower.  You heard him getting up and walking towards the door.  “Just make sure you’re balancing things, you’re also human, we all are.” Yoongi finally said before you heard the door and the room fell silent. You heard him moving and finally sitting down on the chair where he usually does when you’re asleep. At least five minutes of silence went by. “I am scared.” He spoke, breaking the silence in the room. His voice was low, vulnerable. “I’m scared that if I blink, I’ll see you in my arms again, fighting to stay alive.” He paused, and you breathed in. “I’m scared that if I blink, you’ll be dead, and I promised I’d keep you safe.” You could hear the same pain in his voice from the day you woke up. “I’m so fucking scared that after this is over I’ll go back to being a shadow, someone you don’t know.” You rolled over to look at him, he tilted his head in your direction, unphased by your opened eyes looking at him “I have no idea why I feel this way, but we don’t choose what we feel, all I know is that I can’t stay away from you or stop thinking about you for one second and it scares the shit out of me.” He shook his head and looked down.  “Jungkook...” You started, and he looked at you.  “I’m scared that if I don’t focus on your safety, I’ll lose you and I can’t lose you.” He broke eye contact. “But how can I focus? How can I be aware of my surroundings when all I want is to look at you, touch you, kiss you?” You started squirming on the bed at his words. “How can I even focus when I can still remember how you smell? How you look under me?” He sighed. “I’m scared I’m going to fuck this up because there isn’t a second that goes by that I don’t wish we could go back to that bathroom and relive those moments again and again.” He finished. “Jungkook...” You spoke again, and he lifted his eyes. “Please... Please, kiss me.” You begged.  Jungkook stood up and quickly leaned over your body, one hand coming up to brush the hair out of your face and gently caress down the side of your cheek before he leaned in, nose brushing yours. You wish you could say you hated how keen you were towards him, sitting up and closing your eyes when his lips gently touched yours. A small gasp left your lips, and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue in and deepen the kiss. Your body immediately reacted, a soft whimper escaping you, and Jungkook was pulling back, nose still touching yours and eyes trained on your mouth.  “The things I want to do to you.” He whispered, closing his eyes and grazing the tip of his nose up and down yours before he was trailing down your neck, your body erupting in goosebumps as your nipples hardened under your loose shirt. “Tell me I can, tell me I can do everything to you, anything.” He whispered against your skin, lips touching your neck softly and you couldn’t control your body as you leaned into him for more.  “A-anything, please...” You whispered back, and that was enough confirmation he needed before he slipped one hand under your shirt, rough fingers tracing up your stomach and not wasting time before he cupped your breasts and started a slow yet sensual massage on them, you arched into his touch soft moans coming out of you.  “I love how sensitive you are to me.” He whispered against your neck, teeth biting into it softly as his fingers played with your nipples. “Do you know how much I wanted to fuck you in that training room?” He asked, kissing up and down your neck while his hand moves to the other breast. “You on top of me like that... I couldn’t stop picturing you riding me all day.” He pinched your nipple harder, and you jolted in our place, moaning at the pain. “I had to go hide in my room and jerk off to make sure I could function for the rest of the day.” The thought alone was enough to get you aching if you hadn’t been already the moment he kissed you, you could feel the way your heart was hot and aching already. He took in a deep breath, sliding his hand back down slowly and making you open your legs to give him access to where you wanted him.  “That’s one of the things that make me go crazy... Anything you do makes me want to shove you against a wall, a floor, a bed and fuck it out of my system.” He said between clenched teeth, hand reaching the hem of your underwear. “But how can I ever be focused like that? When I’m thinking about you cumming around me like that day again and again?” He pulled his head back, looking at you, and you opened your hazy eyes to look at him. He stopped his hand and went quiet, head tilting slightly before he breached the hem and slid his fingers down your folds. You threw your head back when his fingers reached your entrance, unaware of just how wet you were before his brows furrowed in agony. “Soaking. Fucking soaking.” He quickly brought his hand out from your underwear and slid his drenched fingers into his mouth. The whole sight had you fluttering and biting on your lower lip to keep you from whining. When he brought his fingers out, his eyes were dark, pupils were blown out completely and you shivered in your spot. Suddenly he was leaning back, manhandling you down the bed as he settled between your legs, pushing your thighs apart quickly and without giving you time to process, he pushed your underwear to the side and dived into you, tongue lapping up your folds.  You arched your back, a strangled moan leaving you as your thighs began to shake. It had been so long since someone went down on you and fuck was Jungkook doing a good job.  He was like a starved man, wanting to have his face between your legs ever since that day in the tent, he worked his tongue up and don your folds before he focused on your clit, tongue licking it softly and alternating to sucking on it. You were already so close to your edge that you started clawing at his hair, breathing harshly as you tried to make him stop.  “J-Jungkook, s-stop, I’m gonna cum.” You tried to keep your voice down, but you were far too gone to control your volume. If you wanted him to stop by saying that, it only had the opposite effect because Jungkook was doubling his effort. Mouth closing around our clit to suck and lick and finally bring you over the edge. You shook violently, eyes shutting closed as your mouth opened and strings of whimpers and moans left them, you latched your hand over it and bit down, trying to control them but Jungkook was only making you moan louder as, even after you had cum, he continued to suck on your clit, making you wince at the overstimulation. When you whined and tried to push him away, he pulled back, sitting up. You opened your hazy eyes looking at him, his chin was wet with your release and his lips were swollen deliciously. His eyes were dangerous and only made you want him more and before you could open your mouth to ask him you were shut up by his mouth on yours, tasting your own release on his tongue and whimpering, he pulled back, eyeing you.  “Do you taste yourself?” He whispered with a velvet toned voice. “Do you taste just how delicious you are?” Your hands came down and started palming him over his pants, noticing just how strained his erection was in it. You whined, aching for him. “F-fuck me... Please.” You begged and Jungkook smirked, pleased with your desperation. You whined again, pressing your palm down harder into his erection, making him groan.  “Fuck...” He cursed, biting on his lower lip to keep in his sounds. He leaned back, pulling his shirt over his head, and the sight had your mouth watering yet again. His toned abs and honey-kissed skin were sinful You could see the slight scars he carried and your fingers twitched with a desire to trace them.  Slowly and patiently, he reached down with one hand, undoing his pants and shoving them down enough to free his erection. He looked down at it, pumping it a few times and looking up at you. You brought both your hands up, pulling his face down into yours and kissing him gently. His tongue was soft against yours, tender. And suddenly you felt his tip against your entrance. A gasp escaped you as he pushed in. His length girthy and the slight burn it made you feel was delicious. He panted above you, clearly as affected as you. For a few moments he didn’t move, just allowing you to adjust before he slowly started pulling out and pushing back all the way in, bottoming out. Your back arched once more, feeling him so deep inside of you was overwhelming. Grabbing both your hands and pinning them above your head, he interlocked your fingers, hips grinding slowly into you and starting a torturous sensual pace. He rested his forehead against yours, lust-driven eyes looking back into your hazy ones as he fucked into you slowly. The drag of his erection inside of you was making your walls clench hard around him each time and soon it was getting harder for him to keep his sounds in as low breathy groans started to escape him. Soon, the room started to get hot, your skin feeling damp as you noticed the prickles of sweat on him, his pace starting to pick up as he the pleasure become too strong to control.  “You drive me insane.” He pulled back, leaning on one hand and holding your hip with his other.  In a bold move, you gripped his hand, pulling it upwards to rest around your throat. His eyes bulged slightly as he moves, but soon, they became dangerous.  “Little dove, little dove... Who would have known such a fragile girl could be so dirty.” He smirked before he slammed his hips into you, making you buck and moan loudly. “If you wanted to be fucked like a slut, all you had to do was ask.” He trusted hard once again, hitting deep inside of you and making you unable to control the volume of your moans. His grip tightened around your throat, making your body start to build up your release without you wanting to. You clenched hard around him and he groaned at the tightness.  “You’re going to cum again, already?” He started a fast pace into you, pelvis slamming against your ass and filling the room with lewd noises that surely could be heard throughout the hall. You felt the high approach you and Jungkook shook his head, an evil smirk on his lips as he panted above you. “If you want to cum again, you’ll have to beg.”  The dominance was sudden but welcomed. You felt at his mercy and you opened your mouth, voice hoars and weak.  “P-please, m-may I cum?” You begged.  “That was pathetic, little dove, you can do better than that.” He groaned when a rather delicious drag rubbed him just right. “Shit...” He cursed out, biting down on his lower lips.  “Please, Jungkook, please, please... let me cum around you, let me clench and make a mess all over you.” You closed your eyes to try to hold back your orgasm, and you felt his grip tighten around your throat.  “Fuck... Cum, cum with me.” And you gasped, body shaking violently under him before your vision turned white, high-pitched moans and arched back as your walls spasming and gushes of your release coating him while he fucked in and out of you until he stilled, twitching deep inside of you as he released and coated your walls. His groans were deep, breathy, and he rode out his and your orgasm before he stopped completely, letting his head hang on his shoulder and catch his breath. You looked up at him, eyes barely open and mouth swollen from how hard you bit on it. He shifted, falling beside you on the bed and closing his eyes while he still struggled to breathe.  You turned your head in his direction and he turned to you, opening his eyes and looking deeply into yours. You breathed in, nervous.  “I don’t know what’s going to happen... But, I really like you Jungkook and I know it’s dangerous, but I trust you with everything in me, as stupid as that sounds.” You chuckled. “I trust that you’ll always put my safety first, but please, don’t push me away.” You swallowed, and he sighed, hand coming up to reach for your cheeks and caress you while he was silent.  “I’m sorry.” He said, leaning in to catch your lips and kiss you softly.  You shook your head, smiling against him.  “It’s ok... Just don’t do it again.” You asked, and it was his turn to chuckle. You bit your lower lip, cheeks flushed as you looked at him. His pupils dilating at the sight.  “You’re going to be the death of me.” You reached the end of chapter three!  I just wanted to leave this here! It was a cover made by RU`s number one fan @minalovessaruma​ and I can’t say how thankful I am for her. She has always been RU’s number one hyper and I just love that she went out of her way to make this little piece along with two others! Special thank you to Mina! Much love! - May.

[gumnut-logic]

Johnny Snapshots

@onereyofstarlight​  Okay, let’s face it, I live in the land of the Virg and John is one of the hardest for me to tackle (the other being Alan who I do a disservice to on a regular basis). So I don’t read much John focussed fic. Not that I don’t love the boi, it’s just...oooh, look a bright shiny Virg! :D

So in order to get Johnny fluff for you, I only really have my pile of Virg-focussed fic to play with, though I can recommend reading stuff from @the-lady-razorsharp​ and @willow-salix​ cos they claim Johnny as their boi and write lots of stuff focussed on their space noodle :D

While looking for my previous post in my archives, I came across a snippet of John from one of my fics and got the idea of little Johnny Snapshots. So, here from amongst all my Virg fic, have a little Johnny Nutty-style.

Note: Snapshots from all sorts of fic, looking for fluff, spoilers for everything, several AUs, several ships, pretty much potluck and lots of description of the Johnny :D And while I’ve included links to the fics, the fics themselves are likely Virgil focussed and there may not be much more of John in them than is already here. You’ve probably read some of these before, too.

I hope you enjoy anyway :D

-o-o-o-

A ghost drifted on the breeze.

White as an angel, pale as the moonlight sculpting his form, his next youngest brother rode the air currents above the island.

The only word to describe John was elegant. Airborne porcelain, he circled. Midnight starlight cascaded through Virgil’s mind. Expressions of sorrow draped in calm, warmed by an amber light, the steady core of his star-loving brother.

Virgil watched mesmerised as his turns became tighter and tighter, closer to the ground. A great arch of white feathers and he landed gently, barely disturbing the sand beneath his bare feet.

He was gleaming in the moonlight from toe to hooded gaze. Ever so pale skin, free to be bare to the elements with the absence of the sun, his only clothing was a cut off pair of jeans so faded they were more white than blue.

Only his hair had colour, flame caught in just the right flash of light.

Decision

-o-o-o-

When he woke, the sun was making for the horizon, the whole island cast in gold.

“Hey, Virgil.”

The soft melodious voice of his space borne brother was lacking its usual transmission static and it was a pleasant surprise to roll over and find John sitting on a lounger beside him. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself. How are you feeling?”

First question of any brother to any injured brother, of course. “Good, actually.” And he was. Relaxed, pain at a minimum, a gorgeous sunset in preparation, and... “Great to see you down here.” Virgil didn’t admit it often, but he did miss his middle brother. Didn’t really like him so far out of reach. But John loved it, so it was what it was. Didn’t mean Virgil couldn’t be happy to see him when he could. “What brings you to this little planet?”

The sun was sculpting John’s pale features and white shirt in almost molten gold, merging his skin with his copper hair. The odd thought of some kind of Greek god fluttered through the back of Virgil’s mind. He shook himself mentally. What the hell?

V.T. Green

-o-o-o-

John appreciates a fine meal. Of the five brothers, he is the one who will know about the wine. He’ll know which region it came from, what it should be eaten with and which year grew the plant it was made from. This, of course, means he is the most likely culprit to steal Scott’s boutique beers out of the fridge…to the point that one of the first signs of the middle brother being back on Earth is the sudden missing bottles from said refrigerator.

Virgil thinks it is hilarious.

Scott’s worried his brother is a secret alcoholic and keeps monitoring his intake.

Alan keeps messing with Scott’s head by pinching extra bottles to ‘up John’s intake’.

Gordon messes with everyone by refilling the bottles with apple juice.

But yes, John is the one to appreciate a good meal, most likely because he has to eat all that space crap eighty percent of the time.

Food, Tracy style

-o-o-o-

A sigh. “Um....never have I ever...er...been arrested?” Surely, they hadn’t done that?

“Are you kidding me?” Gordon, glugged down some more drink. “That’s an easy one. Paris. The Louvre.”

What?

Scott raised his hand holding his glass. “Gordon.” As if that explained everything. He swallowed heavily.

Alan snorted, rolled and fell face first onto the carpet.

Gordon laughed. “Hey, bro. Time to take another drink. Remember the teddy bear at the fair?”

“Crap.” Alan grabbed his glass and toasted the air. “Gordon.” Apparently, it did explain everything.

“Gordon.” Kayo said it like a zombie and swallowed some more alcohol. Ridley just stared at her, but was distracted as apparently not-so-asleep John attempted to locate his glass by pawing blindly at the carpet with one hand. His mumbled “Gordon.” Was almost muffled as Ridley tried to grab his arm.

“Lawn flamingo.” Virgil attempted to bring the drink to his mouth, but missed and threw it over his shoulder instead. “Oops.”

Em blinked.

“Okay, that’s it. I’m calling this game. Off to bed with the lot of you. I have the strongest feeling that I should have taken Grandma’s advice and gone to bed early myself.”

There were many a muttered groan, mostly of ‘Awww’ and her name, but the brothers mostly stumbled to their feet. Kayo had to drag Virgil off of Em. The man was heavy.

Ridley smiled at her as she manhandled her space noodle off into their rooms. John was muttering something about ‘Gordon’s fault...didn’t want to do that in a book store.’ Penny helped Alan to his rooms, all the time shooting glares at Gordon.

“What?” The aquanaut looked non-plussed. “What did I do?”

“Gordon, go look after your brother.” Scott’s voice was firm. He still hadn’t relaxed.

Em sighed, grabbed his arm and, activating her hoverjets, pulled him up. “C’mon, Commander, time for bed.”

“Em.” And suddenly she was in his arms.

“Flyboy, your blood alcohol content can be detected from space.”

“Space!” John’s voice echoed down the hallway.

“Not today, spaceman, you’d miss TB5 and end up on Mars.” Ridley was obviously being very patient.

“Not Mars. Wrong trejacktory.” A closing door shut off the rest of the mumbled maths that followed.

Never Have I Ever

-o-o-o-

John sighed, walked over to the bed and sat on the edge in echo of something he had done so many times as a boy. He used to come in here and talk Virgil’s ear off about space and stars and his latest science projects. Virgil, in turn, would nod, say the right things at the right time and generally be the good older brother. John suspected that Virgil hadn’t understood half of what he was saying, but the older boy had never said anything. Not that Virgil wasn’t smart, just his interests lay in different areas. 

They were both quiet by nature and Virgil’s patience drew John to him. Mostly because he would listen. One of the hardest things about being a far above average student with very specific interests was finding someone to talk to about them. John wasn’t a big talker outside the family, but that was because society in general was lost two words into any sentence he wanted to construct. John had no use for general gossip when he had spent the day discovering a new extra-solar object. Who cared who won the football when Neptune was aligning with Earth in a way that wouldn’t happen for another one hundred and sixty five years?

It was Virgil who stopped and listened as a young John Tracy babbled about his latest discoveries.

He was his big brother.

The House

-o-o-o-

Unfortunately, distracted, he didn’t see brother number three and collided with him, nearly sending both of them to the floor.

“Oh, god, sorry…J-“ His hands met soft silk and he looked up, this time truly focussing on his tall brother.

Oh my god.

He must truly have some kind of sibling radar because there was no way in hell he could have recognised his brother otherwise.

“John?”

“Hey, Virgil.”

And yes, that was a smirk on that face.

He eyed the man from bottom to top. High heeled boots in shiny black leather. Black tights! High cut, buttoned up, deep blue coat sequined in an elaborate filigree with almost ankle length tails. The ends of his sleeves flared out like flowers over leather gloves. And a white silk cravat wrapped his throat with about ten layers of frills.

But all that didn’t live up to the hair. Oh, god, the hair. Gone was the familiar red, replaced with a fountain of silver white, springing in strands from the top of his head like a spray of leafless weeping willow, long enough to reach his chest.

Virgil stared. “Are you wearing makeup?”

The smirk widened and, yes, there was some kind of lip gloss to go with the elaborate eyeshadow arching into his brows.

Blink. “Wh-who are you?”

“Why, my dear child,” and John tapped him on the head with his ornamental riding crop. “I’m the Goblin King.”

Another blink. “Who?” He couldn’t recall ever seeing a goblin who looked quite like that.

And the more familiar John rolled his eyes. “A friend of mine advised me that this would be easier if I made myself completely unrecognisable. She is a fan of old movies, so I picked one.”

Virgil narrowed his eyes. “She?”

“She.”

“Okay.” He eyed his brother again. “I’ll take your word for it.”

A Warm Rain Halloween (wip)

-o-o-o-

It had been three days. His brother was now hooked up to several IVs and other invasive support mechanisms, his unconscious body needing assistance to survive. The usually agile, calm and kind man now lay pale, his hair unkempt and limp, eyes bruised smudges on his lifeless face, hands wrapped in copious bandages.

Virgil reached over and ran his fingers through that blond and red hair, attempting to straighten it out, forcing the flick to behave itself.

“C’mon, John, speak to me.” Virgil’s voice was little above a whisper. “I can’t do this without you.” And the statement was suddenly true. Spoken without thought, Virgil realised that through everything that had happened to him in the last few months, John had been there, even when Virgil was too terrified to see him, John had stood strong while his brother dragged him through the mud. He had done everything in his power, everything, to support Virgil. “God, don’t let a faulty circuit be your epitaph, you are worth so much more than that. So much more.”

He needed his brother’s dry wit. He needed his calm voice. He needed him.

Virgil let his head drop to the bed.

Please.

Father

-o-o-o-

John hated crowds, especially those involving the press. Scott went out of his way to make sure he wasn’t exposed to them, but his brother wasn’t available right now.

Head down, no eye contact. “No comment.”

“No comment.”

They crowded in on him and he grit his teeth.

A sharp crack and a yelp. A squawk and the clattering of plastic on concrete. A scream and a flash of light. John looked up to find holocams falling like rain. One close to him simply stopped and dropped. Another sparked, spun and dove at the nearest reporter. She screamed and ran.

The holocam chased her.

Oh.

The crowd began to disperse in erratic squeals and yelps of fear. John took advantage and dashed through to the doors of the hospital. Behind him, the elevator fired its thrusters, adding to the confusion, and launched towards orbit.

“Eos, you are dangerous.”

“Yes, John, and don’t you forget it.” The amusement in her voice had him smiling.

“Thank you.”

“You are welcome.”

Dirt

-o-o-o-

The only one standing entirely upright was her middle grandson. He brought up the rear, his tall, lithe form fluid as he walked. As always, his red hair was startling against his golden baldric. His eyes tracked around the room, his expression cool and controlled, but as his grandmother, she could see the tells of worry and exhaustion.

The great silver form of Eos sat on his arm preening her feathers. Every so often, the hawk would pause and survey the room, just like her bearer, her startling red eyes catching everything. Sal would never understand that relationship, but it had saved her family more than once and she was grateful, if still wary.

The Prince Who Would Not be King

-o-o-o-

If the quiet lifestyle is more your thing, you may wish to upgrade to John Tracy. ‘Up’ is the keyword here as he resides twenty-two thousand miles up, in orbit, in fact. Yes, John is the original space Tracy. Fully adapted to the cold and dark beyond our atmosphere, he does indeed adore the quiet life.

However, before we tempt you any further, it should be noted that John is the only Tracy brother who is a parent. A single parent at that. Inadvertent though her existence is, Eos is recognised as John’s daughter and she presents a number of unique challenges, the least of which is what she will do to your bank accounts if you upset her. Yes, if you are looking for bankruptcy, offending Eos is a fantastic way to achieve your goal.

In summary, don’t piss off the kid.

Having said that, should she approve of your existence, Eos is quite capable of enhancing that existence should she so choose. In any case, John’s daughter is a great conversationalist, even if she has locked you in the bathroom.

John himself sports arguably the most stunning eyes of all the five brothers. Alan, please be quite and Scott, sit down.

A unique pair of turquoise irises that contrast exquisitely with his copper hair makes for a stunning date to have on your arm. The only downside is that arm may need to be handcuffed to yours if you intend on going anywhere involving more than six people at a time.

Our space Tracy is not a social being. Despite communication as a profession, John Tracy has been heard to wish to only speak to others from space. This may include you. Please keep your phone charged at all times.

It should also be noted that if your phone battery is dead and John wishes to contact you, he may hack an appliance as mundane as your toaster. Communicating via the temperature controls in the shower has been reported. Virgil was not impressed.

John is one of the taller Tracys. Unlike Scott, however, heels may not be needed as ninety-five percent of the time John is in space, so if you are planning to get to know him, you’re going to be in space too. Just float up to look him in those gorgeous eyes.

A fan of spaceball and Star Trek, John is your traditional loveable geek. Be aware that his neighbour knows this and you may want to lock all the airlocks in case she comes knocking for a cup of sugar.

John is definitely a good investment and comes with a space station to boot. You will be able to spend many hours stargazing both at the universe and those irises.

Plus One Tracy

-o-o-o-

 Oh, I do have a couple of John focussed fics. The fluffiest is Bagel.

[doakaptan]

finally, ive lost the plot  (and became the main character so here is an episode from the 19th season)

Before you start getting into this week’s blog, I must warn you that this is mostly me recounting our never-ending slow-burning two days of spring break alongside my longing for Stardew valley while I prepare for the Tableau Vivant project. 

So when I was informed about the spring break, I thought I’d be able to at least sleep in for once and play a few games I tossed aside to focus on the second semester. (Mind you, It has been exactly 120 days since I played Stardew Valley for the last time and, my mental health has been gradually deteriorating ever since). Even though I’ve been studying here for a while, I looked over the fact that Bilkent never sleeps and successfully suppressed the upcoming projects in my mind. 

I surpassed it to the point where I mindlessly traveled to my hometown and set up my monitor without a care to the outside world. I would probably not have cared if the house was burning down as long as I got to play Stardew Valley. I was peacefully tending my crops that were made out of 3 pixels at most when it dawned on me that I had yet to choose a painting for the tableau vivant project. I already had a few paintings in mind so it was not that much of a hassle to choose out of the ones I picked.

WelI, I was so sure that Rene Magritte’s Portrait of Stephy Langui wouldn’t get picked that I didn’t mentally prepare myself to create such set.

First of all, I am aware that we kinda had  21 days to prepare and shoot the footage but, hello this is Bilkent and I like making everything hard for myself so I had 2 midterms to attend, a few interviews aligned and a lot of hearts to steal. So yeah I did not work for 21 days straight (it would probably be better for my mental health if I did but I digress).

So yeah here I am in the middle of a breakdown because I realized that I have only a week left to prepare for a piece like this and I did not find a way to achieve the perspective or make the people or find a model. At that point I did not have anything but my phone and oh- ITS CAMERA IS BROKEN. I did what a mentally okay and ready person would do and cried for a whole day until it backfired and determination bloomed in the pits of my stomach. I was also playing Stardew Valley during my mental breakdown so I knew exactly how long I cried until I passed out.

Here’s my wedding in the game. I was in the middle of the introduction when I passed out so I kinda missed the entirety of it but at least I have a picture of my last sane moment. 

While I was unconscious I had this weird dream about the game’s carpenter (which is funnily enough the mother of the npc I married). She told me that I was good at making wooden furniture and if I were to focus on it for the project I would have a solid starting point. My father told me the same thing a few days prior but, he is not a hardworking carpenter nor my game husband’s mother so I had no reason to listen to him. 

(Also a little background information about me for contextual reasons: I am good at wood work because at one point, out of sheer frustration at the interior design and architecture department here (eskişehir) I started making couches and mini-sets out of wood.)

I woke up the next day knowing what I was going to do. 

I had exactly 6 days to make up for all the procrastinating I’ve done so the first thing I did in when I woke up was to go out and look for a rock. It had been non-stop raining for 2 days and when I went outside the rain became even worse than it was before. So I did the obvious thing and dove into the muddy field of a random construction. The rock is great though I’m glad I was Shrek enough to find it.

Also here is a picture of the dogs that watched me find my inner Shrek:

The rock was the hardest part to get it right in my opinion so I the rest came naturally. I messaged a friend who I thought would be perfect to hang from a ladder for a few times for 1.30 minutes. She happily agreed and even went as far as to study the make up and hair of the women.

So, I only had the set and the two figures left to create. I went to my father’s workplace and used their materials for the greater good. Like I mentioned I’m good with woodwork so once I got the size of my model’s head I was unstoppable. I finished the set-piece under 2 hours and went home to make the figures.

Everything came out nicely with 4 days remaining and I thought I was really done with everything.

 but the thing is.... I forgot the weather...... 

and the non-stop rain was not going to stop because I had a project I guess..

Anyways, I was mentally too deranged to care and ‘borrowed’ an Apple monitor from a university I cannot name in case of them finding me (I will return it when I’m done being sad over being poor thank you).

Here is the test shot:

It looked fine to me so I looked over the fact that my camera was broken and got to work with 2 days remaining and all the lectures fully back in action....

This project was more stressful then I imagined but I loved working on it regardless. I wonder if I would feel more at ease if I had an actual camera and not a malfunctioning broken phone camera but I digress. If I can kind of hopefully make it work on a broken camera I think I can keep up the will to work. 

The search for the paintings were a lot of fun too. I’m really interested in surrealism and overly weird settings so I was happy this was picked for the project. Hopefully I learned my lesson and in the future remember it well enough to not make a model loosely hang onto a ladder for dear life  and risk a lawsuit...

For future reference... crying and… stardew valley.......helps...... a lot…. 8/10….would recommend..... also.....would recommend........ crying enough to pass out and have a enlightening conversation with a 3 pixel carpenter.

[pan-princess-levy]

pan-princess-levy’s (that’s me!) 2019 summary of art

wow! what an year this was! time for retrospection...

holy hell, i drew... a lot of stuff. i dont think there are quite the 500 files (both process and finished) for 2019 but i think i drew maybe. 250? 300 separate pieces? and im so proud of myself!

lets just ignore the fact only half of my summary pieces are published ones and the other half are just favorites from my un-published work hahahAHAHHA

(as you can probably guess, the months where the drawings are the most sketchy - february, april and november - didnt really have that much artwork im proud of. i have an excuse for novermber, because i was writing for nanowrimo, but i have no memory of the other two. rip me.)

so! a word for every piece!

january: a sketch of cana im still awfully proud of! i used a poster of luke evans as bard the bowman from the hobbit trilogy as a base and im just! still shook

february: part 3 (summer) of my seasons levy drawings alas i never got to autumn it’s connected to one of my countless aus, where she is a forest guardian spirit 

march: this piece of gajeel! (but with a the agender pride flag because i got up to editing it later) im still so fond of how it came out! i used it for discord icon for a while back then

april: a clothing/jewelry study i was doing! it is kind of connected to another au i shall never write. (yes. there are. a lot of them.)

may: the famous mermay piece! it was drawn for the first weekly challenge organized on the @gajevyevents discord server and i still think its one of best pieces. very proud of it

june: this amazing levy piece for pride month! i did a lot of drawings for pride as part of a project by @ft-wwtdp but this one is closer to my heart. shes a flower gorl,,,,

july: okay. this one? this one is one my favorite drawing i’ve ever done. it’s my phone wallpaper. it might? look silly and crappy compared to the rest? but it’s my favorite and i love it so much! it’s a silly pokemon au inspired by the pokemon 2014 masters division spectacular pachirisu. IM A NERD OKAY (theyre just. so soft.)

august: ALRIGHT! THIS! THIS ONE! this one is so dear to my heart because its a redraw of one ancient drawing of mine. back in the day i had a voltron au and this is levy’s design for that au but just. this drawing makes me go all soft.

september: this piece i did for @finweanladiesweek! it was the first silm fandom event i took part in and it still fills me with warmth. i had so much fun drawing it - september was when i caved in and finally bought clip studio paint and you can clearly see the difference in quality from there

october: my profile picture! god this one was so much fun, i will never forget it. i thought a lot about this one, whether i wanted to put it or the gajeel day piece i did, but in the end i found i liked this a little bit better. 

november: alright, no lies here, i have only like 4 or 5 drawing from november because i was so busy with nanowrimo! this one is a gajeel design study. i struggled a lot between it and another similar piece (gajeel in full profile instead of 3/4) but at last decided on this one. its,,,, soft,,, he soft,,,

december: THIS BAD BOY! i poured hours upon hours of research on this one, it can fit so many artist crying fits. i still think its one of the best ive done, and its so shiny and bright.....

i dont think im supposed to reminisce so hard but it’s the end of the year and im just. im having a lot of feels, you know? i grew up a lot as person, both creative and personal-wise, a lot of things happened. im very happy with all the progress ive done and i cannot wait for what awaits me next year. 

i hope 2019 was good to you and i wish you a happier and merrier 2020!

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[punkscowardschampions]

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: still stalking mckenna Joe: what, we can't BOTH like music? Joe: that's gonna be problematic for me tbh Ronnie: mozarts ghost aint gonna possess him in the encore Ronnie: you can fuck off Joe: you can enjoy your night Joe: I'll take my chances Ronnie: take your chances somewhere else Ronnie: or you wont have any Joe: you looking out for me? Joe: not necessary, I promise Joe: you look like you got your hands full as is Ronnie: its a threat Ronnie: shouldnt be necessary Joe: my apologies for making you work harder but its still not cutting it Ronnie: [throws something at him in a dangerous manner watch out everyone] Ronnie: we can both be into cutting Ronnie: not a problem for me Joe: [when he's probably with his flatmate or similar like they will complain honey they basics lmao, meanwhile just like 😏] Joe: careful, people will think you care Ronnie: what fucking people Ronnie: your girlfriend Joe: for one Ronnie: muzzle your bitch or give her shit to sink her teeth into Ronnie: it aint complicated Joe: I don't think not glassing randoms is exactly rocket science either Ronnie: nothing random about you Ronnie: you fucking wish Joe: you want some projection with that Joe: I found you, remember Ronnie: wasnt hiding nancy Ronnie: not still a runaway kid Joe: then don't hide Joe: I weren't looking for you, alright Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: you said there aint no other bastards Joe: I meant tonight Joe: this is just coincidence, nothing more Ronnie: leave then Ronnie: your buyers remorse is about as welcome as you Joe: hardly Joe: that's not what it is either Ronnie: they were all out of shiny sisters baby Ronnie: take what you can get Joe: I've already got one of them Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: i remember Joe: you don't want a refill then Joe: replace the one you tossed Ronnie: you on the spectrum or do you not wanna read social cues Joe: well I ain't leaving either way but if you don't wanna make the most outta it Joe: 👍 Ronnie: keep putting words in my mouth & see what happens to yours like Joe: what spectrum are you on if you think that constitutes a please and thanks Ronnie: take it up with your ma Ronnie: she wasnt about to teach me how to play nice Joe: not really her forte Ronnie: thats why im still waiting for my plane ticket home yeah Joe: possibly Joe: I don't know Ronnie: 💔 Ronnie: how olds your good sister Joe: jury is out on good Joe: but 14 so we'll wait and see Ronnie: ill fucking drink to that Ronnie: if she was a write off shed already be Joe: depends on your perspective Joe: I try not to have one Joe: [is at bar] Ronnie: depends on your mas Ronnie: we cant all be black sheep Joe: exactly Joe: they don't really get on Joe: but she's probably just dreading the PTSD a teen pregnancy scare will bring Ronnie: should have kept me around Joe: yeah Ronnie: 1 more abortion and your country would offer me a fucking exorcism Ronnie: fun for all the family Joe: some girls have all the luck Joe: would not believe how hard it is for a lad to get one 🙄 Joe: [just putting the drinks for 'em on their table, when Charlie probs gonna flirt with you like oh hey] Ronnie: your girlfriend will let you hold her hand for her 1st Ronnie: stop sticking it in your cello & youll knock her up in no time Ronnie: [just staring at the drink like you've never seen one before] Joe: come on, she's CoE if I've ever seen it Joe: abortions? sure, but exorcisms ❌ Joe: [tryna just walk off but you know they'd be like who are you hello?! 'cos annoying lmao] Ronnie: not in ireland anymore baby Ronnie: [when you walk off like where the fuck have you got to be my dear] Joe: [at least he's not gonna drop the bomb, just being vague af like oh we met once or whatever goodbye] Joe: you gone yourself? 🛫🍀 Ronnie: on whos 💰 Joe: idk, your pals maybe Joe: but I've fucked off so he can at least top up your drink 'cos its long gone too Ronnie: wanker Ronnie: [comes back and punches charlie love you boy] Joe: [just wait 'til you have your own mindblown with that crazy connection boy] Joe: ✊ Ronnie: [gives him the biggest fuck you look ever like I can't believe you typed that] Joe: [just loling a lil 'scuse him company its not at whatever you said] Ronnie: [comes over, ignoring everyone else obvs, to drink his entire drink and walk off again] Joe: [omg stop flirting you two, everyone like what is going on tbh] Ronnie: [dancing with charlie cos he don't take kindly to being punched but you don't wanna answer his questions either] Joe: [save it for later you nosy hoe] Ronnie: [when you see his poor flatmate going to pee and follow her intimidatingly soz bitch] Joe: [this poor girl is in no way prepared lmao] Ronnie: [thinking she's about to get mugged or murdered] Joe: [when you're 18 and its your first time away from home no doubt this poor girl honestly] Ronnie: you deffo she aint catholic Ronnie: could see her in a penguin house Joe: weren't a question on the flatmate icebreakers Joe: shoulda asked for some segregrated accomodation but thought londoners were meant to be post-religion post-everything so Ronnie: 💔 it aint god its you baby Ronnie: shes no londoner Joe: no, I do know that one Joe: she's from Kent, I think Joe: or Surrey? Ronnie: not holy holier than tho Ronnie: u Ronnie: never gonna please a horse girl mckenna Joe: 😏 Joe: I'll not go there then Ronnie: charlies fucking easy to please Ronnie: youve done the 1 drink minimum & youll avoid the pregnancy scare Joe: I think he's the one that does the pleasing Joe: so I've been assured Ronnie: gets him off dont worry like Joe: I'll sleep easy now, tah Ronnie: lullabies are shit but yeah Joe: 🤞 that ain't his encore either Ronnie: if it aint opening an artery to spray the crowd count me the fuck out Joe: I wouldn't hold your breath Joe: though might be more fun Ronnie: [dramatically holds her breath in his direction like kids do] Joe: [just watching 'cos weird and into it] Ronnie: [lowkey going purple probably because you know she won't stop til she hits the deck] Joe: [just watching 'til the last sec when you obvs gonna catch her] Ronnie: [giving him a look when he does like we have to stop meeting like this but then exposing his tattoo wherever that is cos gotta check that really happened] Joe: [I hope you didn't opt for your booty, lol, probably inner bicep moment or something 'cos not that bitch getting those out at any chance] Ronnie: [just touching it like you're not shamelessly flirting with your brother okay then] Joe: [just looking at her face hardcore 'cos you can pretend you're checking her tat too] Ronnie: [when you come back to yourself and remember you're supposed to hate him for being your brother so you push him away unnecessarily hard and retreat to your corner] Joe: [go off to the bathroom yourself boy] Ronnie: [french exit while he's gone even though it'll make Charlie more annoying] Joe: [have fun Joseph] Joe: you missed the bloodbath Ronnie: made my own Joe: safer bet Joe: on all counts Ronnie: safer for your girlfriend Ronnie: & you Joe: you know she ain't my girlfriend Ronnie: no shit you dont wanna claim that conquest Joe: wrong again Joe: not gonna bang my flatmate who pays the bigger part of the rent 'cos she gets the en-suite Joe: give me some credit Ronnie: shed give you some if you gave it up to her Ronnie: but if youd rather pay rent Joe: there's no way I can keep that going 4 years Ronnie: she aint hacking it Ronnie: you can fucking smell the homesickness Joe: its like, down the road init Joe: ugh Ronnie: & Ronnie: she cant fit her horse in the en suite baby Joe: 😂 Joe: true..I'll make some rich friends to move in when she gallops off into the sunset then Ronnie: theyll not slum it with you for 4 years Joe: but I'm so charming Joe: what's the solution then, sis? Ronnie: sell yourself or kill yourself Joe: 👌 Joe: already with ya Ronnie: yeah dead connected us Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: you're the only one that's allowed to be suicidal? Ronnie: oldest cunt gets dibs Ronnie: aint that how this sibling shit plays Ronnie: whatever you wanna do ive already done it Joe: half the time Joe: but the other half is youngest gets away with it 'cos they're cuter so Ronnie: cause theyre a crybaby Ronnie: yeah you can have that soft lad Joe: 😥 bit of a prerequisite for the suicide Joe: so generous Ronnie: i left you alive so you can do yourself in Ronnie: since youve got such a boner for it Ronnie: generosity begins & ends Joe: You can stop thinking about my boners then Joe: that'll be my attempt at the virtue Ronnie: put em away Joe: you tryna expose me Ronnie: you dont need my help Ronnie: flashers keep more hidden than you Joe: really Joe: don't seem like that's something that would bother you Ronnie: youre that special mckenna Ronnie: every fucking thing you do bothers me Joe: 💘 Joe: check facebook some more, I'll keep my events up to date Joe: can avoid each other easy Ronnie: nah you see me you walk the other way Joe: I got places to be babe Ronnie: yeah a&e Ronnie: if you dont get the fuck outta my face Joe: see, you're well about it Joe: I got it, yeah, we're not family Ronnie: were nothing Ronnie: & if thats what gets you off pay for it like the other cunts do Ronnie: not my 9-5 Joe: I found Soho by myself, don't worry Joe: we're good Ronnie: boss Ronnie: stay there Joe: more expensive than Sophie's horse that Ronnie: train her up to be whatever the fuck you want then Ronnie: 4 years in she could probably kiss with tongue like Joe: you gotta ask yourself why you care Joe: 'cos I know Ronnie: i dont have to ask myself fuck all Joe: deny it then Joe: works for me Ronnie: theres no need to deny theres cunts i wanna talk to less than you Ronnie: or i that i gotta have something to do while i wait Ronnie: 💘 Joe: you're all talk Joe: say no more Ronnie: fuck you Joe: yeah fuck me Ronnie: stick your therapy speak in whatever hole you reckon can take it Ronnie: ill reverse over your head before i submit to this psychology bullshit Joe: not what I'm studying Joe: or doing Ronnie: you reckon if you say im all talk itll get you some action Ronnie: dream on motherfucker Ronnie: i dont look like her that much Joe: bold assumption Ronnie: nah Ronnie: charlies more like a brother than you & ive done everything there is to do to that tosser Joe: bold to assume I'm half as fucked up as you Joe: spent long enough telling me I can't be 'cos I got a ma and now I wanna fuck her, okay Ronnie: wearing it on your sleeve aint you though baby Ronnie: saw your arm & yeah i reckon halfs about right Ronnie: but me at 19 wouldve left you in more pieces than that Joe: you must be proud Ronnie: what the fuck of Joe: your 19 year old self Ronnie: youd have liked me better at 9 Joe: alright but a nonce joke is hardly original Ronnie: neithers wanting to fuck your ma Ronnie: read a book schoolboy Joe: that's you throwing that about Joe: not one I ask the prozzies to act out tah Ronnie: what the fuck else was your lil challenge about then Joe: what was yours? Ronnie: i didnt fire any shots shithead Joe: not true Joe: i got the 🍒 to prove it Ronnie: fuck me youre that cunt Ronnie: 1 sos & i owe you my life yeah Joe: where'd you hear that Joe: what was it, needle not clean or something Ronnie: you dont need to wait for a death that slow Ronnie: fucking do it Joe: why do you do it Ronnie: why do you give a shit what i do Joe: interesting Joe: why do you fuck with your face like that Ronnie: too late to keep it pretty for you Ronnie: should have nancy drewed this shit earlier Joe: you ain't gonna answer Joe: alright Ronnie: cant we both like pain Ronnie: is that your problem Joe: 'course Joe: no monopoly on that shit Joe: its universal, so the books say Ronnie: bullshit do you read fuck all else but sheet music Joe: not no more Joe: but i can read more than scales, like Joe: have to write essays and shit sometimes Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: save this riveting shit for your flatmates Joe: she does art Joe: dunno what the lad does, he's out his room less than me Ronnie: horse cocks out of clay like Ronnie: bet shes the professors pet Joe: 🤞 she gets in an ill-advised affair with a pervy prof Ronnie: every other repressed white bitch has done it Joe: my home is safe Joe: hooray Ronnie: til i sleuth your address Joe: then its petrol bombs and dog shit, I know Ronnie: after theres fuck all left to steal Ronnie: 🤡s in films 🔥💸 Joe: and eat six year old's arms Joe: crack on Ronnie: i aint bitten any kids since i was Joe: I'm proud even if you ain't then Ronnie: raise the bar baby Joe: guess the other lad you were with don't technically count no more Joe: actual kids are that annoying Ronnie: kids get to be annoying Joe: lucky ones Joe: the ones that get to be kids Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: youll be born & die a saint Ronnie: such a fucking martyr Joe: when God comes a calling, you can't refuse, obvs Joe: guess that's what she gets for not aborting you, nice bonus for being good Ronnie: yeah Joe: likes a joke as much as the next Joe: gutted for her Ronnie: cant take the scouse sinner out of her however much irish catholic dick shes taken since Ronnie: 💔 Joe: if its only paddys in heaven, I'll lose the invite Ronnie: you better stay in purgatory then Ronnie: dont want you in hell with me Joe: you're just jealous I'll be too busy getting tortured by some other demon Joe: you're alright, anguishing over my wrongs for eternity sounds like a bit of me Joe: I can hack it, more painful than being sodomized with pitchforks or whatever weak shit you're in store for Ronnie: wanna see your cum face even less Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: 😂 Joe: shh, you already know he's got that sick sense of humour Joe: your own clockwork orange moment for eternity now Ronnie: 💘 Joe: you ain't nothing like I thought when I was 🔎🤔 Ronnie: cheers for the romantic cliche you pussy Joe: you're that special Joe: and welcome Ronnie: what did you reckon id be like Joe: like the rest of 'em Joe: complete the cliche Ronnie: fuck off Joe: what, I did Joe: there ain't a bigger compliment, honestly Ronnie: i dont wanna hear your compliments Ronnie: or how big they are Joe: 😏 Joe: you asked Ronnie: cause i cant resist hearing how fucking soft you are Joe: that makes you pretty fucking soft yourself then don't it Ronnie: fuck you Joe: back here, yeah Ronnie: back at get someone else to knock you out Joe: shouldn't be hard Ronnie: depends how hard you are Ronnie: could be a turn on or off Joe: either way, its incentive for them to go harder Joe: can't lose, me Ronnie: enjoy yourself baby Joe: never Joe: if I lose my overwhelming urge to die what have I got Ronnie: new overwhelming urges Joe: won't be that good Ronnie: write it in your diary i didnt ask for your review Joe: you can do that you know Joe: they've all got profiles, like they're a shit local pub or something Ronnie: what a fucking state Joe: won't miss it when I'm in pugatory Ronnie: if i had a shot for every time you cried your eyes out id miss that Joe: you'd miss having a liver Joe: and functioning braincell Ronnie: didnt mean that kind of shot shithead Joe: your aim is for shit, true Ronnie: or that one Joe: ahh Ronnie: you had me at dirty needles 💘 Joe: s'worth being alive for, then? Ronnie: what the fuck waste of a question is that Joe: why? Ronnie: what do you think Joe: reason I'm asking Joe: if its just another slow way to kill yourself then I'm sound but if its more than that then its a potential for the repertoire Ronnie: if it was id have taken a faster way out Joe: its noted Ronnie: why do you wanna die Joe: its not even Joe: I ain't actually sad, soz to burst your 😥 bubble, IOU some shots, whatever Joe: just wanna turn my head off, not have to participate Joe: deal with any of it Joe: but saying you wanna be put in a coma doesn't quite have the same punch Ronnie: underline that note then Joe: yeah? Joe: not like I've never thought about it Joe: think about it a lot, hence the need for a fucking switch Joe: how cliche to look like I'm doing it to spite her though, eh? Ronnie: whatever you take now thats strawberry flavoured childhood bullshit Ronnie: youve found your prescribed dose of working adult medicine Joe: it don't touch it, not worth taking unless you wanna down half a blister at a time and have a decent kip Joe: get me some and I'll pay you 20% for your trouble Ronnie: come over Ronnie: told you im waiting Joe: alright Joe: if I ask for your current location do I give away that I'm not a decent stalker Ronnie: youve fucking shown that card bitch Joe: figured Joe: be obliging then Ronnie: [a location of who the fuck knows where cos we don't need Charlie or Bronson there for this excuse you lads] Joe: [when you need some privacy for your bonding] Ronnie: [when you need some privacy to shoot up your half brother who you ain't even told your other fam about] Joe: [fun and games] Joe: cool Joe: 🤞 i'm there just after the heroin Ronnie: get here before or ill be in no state to keep obliging you Joe: I'm yet to be initiated, my timekeeping skills are 🔥 Ronnie: give a shit about your cv Joe: I'll be there Ronnie: your loss if you aint Ronnie: dont come crying to me Ronnie: i wont hear it for fucking ages Joe: i'm not an idiot Ronnie: it dont matter who or what you are Ronnie: stopped listening after the ill be there Joe: 💘 Ronnie: get it tattooed next yeah Joe: yeah Ronnie: over the real fucker Ronnie: cause you love a cliche Joe: 'course Joe: have to find another dickhead with a gun though Joe: that one did not know his left from his right Ronnie: get what you pay for baby Ronnie: & we didnt Joe: touche Joe: I'll forgo accuracy for that Joe: and the dirty needle, obvs Ronnie: getting to put his hand on my tit will blow the brains he has like Joe: 😏 Ronnie: but if i toss him off thatll get shit back on track Joe: hot Joe: love that you have a plan Ronnie: cute Ronnie: you reckoning im pure chaos Ronnie: not your manic pixie dream skank Joe: ain't planning on being a composer Joe: least not now Joe: don't need to write about you Ronnie: 💔 Joe: make up your mind Ronnie: you aint on my mind mckenna Ronnie: dont get your balls in a twist Joe: do you wanna be on mine or not Ronnie: i know whats on yours Joe: same Joe: makes a change Ronnie: compose a song about your confusion then like Joe: less cliche than a love song Joe: still Ronnie: do it from the pov of the horse Ronnie: be a hit with your flatmate Joe: you just wanna get me stalked Joe: paybacks a bitch, yeah Ronnie: wanna get your habit paid for before you start it Ronnie: throw her a boner Ronnie: whats the fucking drama Joe: i don't fancy her Joe: nor having the convo about where all her moneys going Ronnie: & Ronnie: i dont fancy the cunt with the tattoo gun Ronnie: got fuck all to do with it Joe: & Joe: you're lowering standards, not getting anything up Ronnie: close your eyes & think of gear Ronnie: youll do anything for a horse like that Joe: let me try it first Ronnie: dont need to hear about your trust issues baby Joe: better stop talking now then Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: shut the fuck up Joe: [you know when its like 'removed message' that] Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: what Ronnie: i cant cut your sense of humour out Ronnie: cant live with it Joe: no funny business Joe: just a buttdial Ronnie: charlie aint here but adorable that you 2 homos hit it off Joe: just scousers gotta stick together or did you know him from back home Ronnie: he didnt give you the rundown Ronnie: mustve made him speechless mckenna Joe: too busy trying to work out how I knew you Ronnie: we grew up together Ronnie: & the mime standing next to us Joe: cool Ronnie: nah Ronnie: fucked Joe: I mean that you still know 'em, talk to 'em Ronnie: we aint trying to throw our family away for a new one Joe: like I said, s'cool Ronnie: like i said hes gonna eat that shit up Ronnie: you fawning over his family set up Joe: good to know Joe: not really my type either, call me fussy Ronnie: fucks sake Ronnie: join the god squad now & save yourself the 12 steps Joe: 'cos I don't wanna do a bloke or my horse girl roommate Ronnie: cause you only wanna do your ma Joe: you can't just give me dud options and come to that conclusion Ronnie: we playing fuck marry kill now Joe: not playing nothing with you Joe: cheater Ronnie: crybaby Joe: you'll 😥 when I have to kill your mate Ronnie: you wish Joe: making people cry is your thing Joe: I don't need to fight that claim Ronnie: like you aint been wanting to save me again since the 1st time Ronnie: thats your thing yeah Joe: save you from what? Joe: smack? obviously not Joe: other self-destructive tendencies? try again Ronnie: it obviously dont matter Ronnie: id never seen you & id still never seen a cunt more excited to do a rescue Joe: and I'd never seen you Joe: maybe you'd got all kinds of fucked up 'cos of all the shit I dragged up Joe: basic decency ain't nothing to get excited about Ronnie: i know how to self soothe im a big girl now Joe: didn't need you self-soothing yourself to death on my conscience Ronnie: didnt ask you to give a shit Ronnie: catholic guilts best left at home baby Ronnie: youll never find a place with the cockneys Joe: about myself? Joe: its barely but hanging on by a thread Joe: soz Joe: dead girls fuck you up Ronnie: not your type either then Joe: ultimate type Joe: don't wanna commit right now, tah Ronnie: 🤞 i od & you can finally sort your misery boner out Joe: too giving you Ronnie: im dead i aint giving a shit Joe: put that on the headstone Ronnie: pay for it you write whatever cliche you want Joe: you want a classy picture affair Joe: got it Ronnie: stop getting me Ronnie: it makes me wanna blow my brains out Joe: its obvious you wanna be seen Joe: no spooky sibling connection required Ronnie: fuck off Joe: what's better than ruining a graveyards ambiance for the mourners for the forseeable Ronnie: theres no room in the ground soft lad Joe: they just chuck you in with the old bones Joe: or 'move' them Ronnie: hot Joe: mhmm Joe: plague pit is the way to go Ronnie: fit the horse & the girl Ronnie: how fucking romantic Joe: that's me Ronnie: ill put john in the 💘 for you baby Ronnie: your ma robbed you blind of so many lennon comparisons Joe: still time to be pretentious with soph Joe: fuck off getting out of bed for good Ronnie: smother her with a pillow & fuck her corpse youll be feeling peace & love Joe: 💎🍓💘 Ronnie: playing with emojis & yourself aint getting you here Ronnie: hurry up Joe: can't make you any closer Ronnie: 💔

[asphaltapostle]

What I have long predicted is now coming to pass: Google believes it should assume control.

Out of all the technology companies that have made my knees knock and my voice hoarse and my [Tweets manic](https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&q="google" %40ficklecrux&src=typd) as a technoheretic in the past several years, Jumbo Google would easily take home the winning trophy for Dystopian of the Millennium. I have been rehearsing an especially dear pet prophecy of mine, unsolicited, to family, friends, and podcast guests since 2011 in which I end up arguing quite convincingly that Google is a dead ringer for the 16th-century Vatican: an inherently self-isolating organization with an absolute monopoly yielding gargantuan levels of essentially passive income from a service which nearly everybody transacts with, but only Google understands (and is therefore assumed to be its only possible provider,) which inevitably develops such a distance from the rest of the populace and their way of life (in tandem with total notoriety and celebrity among them all) not intentionally out of malice, but from the delusion of mythically-bestowed philanthropic duty that is borned of and compounded by this economic and cultural isolation in a perpetual accumulation of power and wealth that radicalizes the monopolizers — the majority already highly predisposed to zeal as they would’ve needed to be in order to find themselves in this singular, universally powerful position over every other class — and leaves their egocentric minds to wander exempt from all criticism save for that of fellow radicalized monopolizers, who together begin to feel more and more comfortable wondering aloud about themselves in increasingly fantastic presumptions: what if all of this was bestowed upon us because we are superior to them? What if it is our divine responsibility as superior beings to take charge and shepherd the common people as our sheep — for they cannot possibly know as well as we what is truly best for them?

You see it, right? And you can feel a very specific flavor of terror that is both awed by the scale of the circumstances created by so few human minds and sincerely amused by the absoluteness of your own inability to alter them in any way. Perhaps you even recognize this taste as one perfected by Christianity’s ancient advertising business, but Google knows so much about you that it’s rumored to’ve been selling user data to the Judeochristian God for some time now at a 10% discount, and so we extrapolate and anticipate, yes?

Of course, it’s admittedly satisfying for me to deliver you to this godfearing place in the most perverse look what I saw first that you didn’t see because you’re just not as bright but lucky for you, I’m so fucking generous with my wisdom sort of thinking around which the entire personas and livelihoods of fringe movement fanatics are built upon, but this is my one thing, okay? I’ve been waiting years for the right time to formally argue this theory in depth, and — thanks to this year’s public spotlight finally pivoting on the giants who’ve been silently swallowing their competition and relentlessly forcing their already ridiculous margins higher and higher in relative obscurity for decades, the time has come, indeed. The common people’s trust in Google had a godawful week.

Don’t Be Evil

On Monday, Gizmodo reported that twelve frustrated Google employees were quitting the company in protest of their work assisting the Department of Defense to “implement machine learning to classify images gathered by drones” for the detail fleeting Project Maven, despite some 4000 employee signatures on a letter addressed to CEO Sundar Pichai requesting (in full) that he “cancel this project immediately,” and “draft, publicize, and enforce a clear policy stating that neither Google nor its contractors will ever build warfare technology,” citing the infamous “Don’t Be Evil” motto, which Google then proceeded to remove from its code of conduct for the first time in 18 years the day after the New York Times article went to press, on April 5th.

On initial approach to the abstract of this story, from the ass to our thoughts arrives an easy narrative of a Silicon Valley mutiny comprised of twelve brave, conscientious souls who’ve been eaten up inside by their complicity in the filthy deals made by their power-obsessed CEO over scotch and cigars in a dark D.C. study — kept awake for months by the sound of his puffing cackles at satellite images of dead toddlers in a bombed-out street.

Ah ha, we say. That man is no good, and he just wouldn’t listen! They knew they didn’t have a choice… They only did what they had to do…

The reality of internal disagreements at Google, though, manages to be even more theatrical. The sheer volume of correspondence must surely be beyond anything capable of the enduser’s imagination, so let’s phone a friend: my favorite peek into the day-to-days of inter-Google existence is an old blog post by Benjamin Tilly on his first month at the company in which he was compelled almost immediately to describe in great detail how best to “deal with a lot of email in gmail” at peak efficiency using shortcuts and labels. “As you get email, you need to be aggressive about deciding what you need to see, versus what is context specific.”

Now we have a bit better idea of the aggressive emailing that was a sure constant on a normal workday at Google in 2010, so it must’ve been deafening after 8 years of Gmail development as 4000 employees no doubt vented, debated, and decided to organize last month, though without making much headway because the leadership’s response was apparently “complicated by the fact that Google claims it is only providing open-source software to Project Maven,” this new knowledge having significant effect on our mind’s image of Sundar Pichai’s activities in Washington: he is now swapping seats with a frustrated Colin Powell in order to install OpenOffice onto his desktop from a flash drive, and we recall that Google’s Googleplex headquarters resembles nowhere in modern life more than a brand new playground built in a design language borrowing heavily from Spy Kids. And though these Twelve disciples are unnamed for the moment, a few of them could immediately land book deals by going public, and every single one would always have by default not only the badge of “I landed a job at Google,” (which is really to say I have hit Life’s maximum level cap,) but “I worked at Google for a while, but ended up quitting to do something else,” which is guaranteed to make you the most interesting, intellectually superior person present in whatever crowd for the rest of your life. The ultra-cool Sarah Cooper quit Google to become a comedian and even got to talk to Kara Swisher! I won’t pretend to understand big tech’s diminutive bastardization of prestige, but “more than 90 academics” jumping to publish an open letter (adjacent to a huge DONATE: Support the Campaign to Stop Killer Robots button) in which they “write in solidarity with the 3100+ Google employees” who’s terrible boss decided to help some lackeys in the Pentagon set up their email and didn’t text back for a whole hour doesn’t sound 100% sincere. Notably, I don’t know how or why the fuck 90 people would go about collaborating on a single document, but if it really was managed, they definitely used Google Docs… At one point, it was fun to think about the history of the friendly side-scroller-playing garage ghouls and dorm dorks who gave cooky, wacko names to their dot com startups in parody and defiance of the lame-ass surname anagrams on the buildings of their established competitors, but those who’ve stuck around have only done so by becoming expert at SUCKING UP EVERYTHING around them, and it pisses me off every day how worried I am that my species will finally be done in by a company with a name like Yahoo! and be known only to a bunch of adolescent interdimensional silicon blobs 30 million years in the future as that bipedal race who remained dignified until the last 0.01% of their reign on Earth, when in way less than a single generation, they all just went FUCKING INSANE and blew themselves up because they suddenly hated all sense.

“Google” is perhaps the worst of these to have to shout in fear and/or anger in your last moments as it sounds in American English like you’ve startled your subject with a ticklish pinch followed so immediately by an esophagus-busting chokehold that the two events appear simultaneous, and in real English English, it almost always sounds like a parent speaking of a character on a pre-K children’s television programme whom they find quite foul and upsetting, but will manage to refrain from expressing so otherwise because they know that Teletubbies shit is the most quickly forgotten stage of television viewership. It’s fascinating how exclusive the word “Google” is to American English because in everything else it really is complete nonsense, but lets halt all etymological discussions right now because we’ve only now just finished with Monday.

The Soul Ledger

On Thursday, all of my Google experiences, suppositions, and soul-detaching screenshots were usurped when a thoroughly alarming internal company video called The Selfish Ledger was leaked to The Verge, which I watched once then and do not want to watch again for the sake of this piece, but I will. Though the big V has been disappointingly timid for years about editorializing — when tech journalism desperately needs some confident, informed opinion more than ever — Vlad Savov’s accompanying article should be read in its entirety, to which I can add my own terror where he perhaps could not. The production style is technically identical to that of the very popular thinkpiece-esque, motion-graphics-paired-with-obligatory-sharpie illustrated videos which you find playing at max volume on your mom’s iPad from where she’s fallen asleep on the couch at 9PM, but the repeating stock string soundtrack multiplies one’s discomfort as such that we would all end up in the fetal position without remembering the transition were it not for the appearance of trusty old Dank Jenkins, who’s face I thankfully associate heavily enough with his infamous down-and-out Tweet to be a welcome respite in attention before the very scary hypothesis for which it’s been buttering me up, as best summed by Vlad:

> The system would be able to “plug gaps in its knowledge and refine its model of human behavior” — not just your particular behavior or mine, but that of the entire human species. “By thinking of user data as multigenerational,” explains Foster, “it becomes possible for emerging users to benefit from the preceding generation’s behaviors and decisions.” Foster imagines mining the database of human behavior for patterns, “sequencing” it like the human genome, and making “increasingly accurate predictions about decisions and future behaviors.”

The next time the what if they do something scary question comes up in a casual conversation about Google, you’ll have something a lot more substantial than just speculation. Or will you? The Verge reached out for comment and got an awfully convenient response.

> This is a thought-experiment by the Design team from years ago that uses a technique known as ‘speculative design’ to explore uncomfortable ideas and concepts in order to provoke discussion and debate.

Wow! Leave it up to grand ole Googe to reveal the ultimate excuse for just about any suggestion or behavior, though it does seem almost deliberately uncomfortable, doesn’t it? No matter — whether or not this video was ever about a project or tangible product development, or simply to explore uncomfortable ideas because it is proof that the company has reached that critical Vatican stage — if you’ll remember — where they now feel comfortable exploring Very Bad, but Very easily made Real Ideas amongst themselves about what would happen if they allowed their system to nudge its users around a different, slightly less optimal route to the bar, let’s say — without their knowledge — in order for the system to collect traffic data for the sake of its own interests? Which would be, technically, in the interest of all Ledger users now and in the future, so why not?

> The ledger could be given a focus, shifting it from a system which not only tracks our behavior, but offers direction towards a desired result.”

This, my dear privacy-obsessed friends, is the real issue with data collection — its power over huge groups by way of their behavior and it is never going to be remedied in any significant way by ad-blockers or VPNs because the EndUser shall always out number you 50 to 1, even decades from now. EndUser does not understand — or, crucially, have any desire to understand anything technical about what leads to the PewDiePie videos playing on his filthy screen. Here’s a great opportunity to escape Silicon Valley’s technolibertarianism and resign your Darwinian empathy in favor of meaningful and truly-effective action: if you want to avoid a future Google Church (or Google Government, more worryingly,) you should invest your time, effort, and knowledge into electing officials more capable of understanding and regulating Big Tech.

Google Government

The internet as it stands is made possible by Google as the goto resource for online advertising. In 2016, “Google held 75.8 percent of the search ad market, bringing in $24.6 billion in revenue from search ads,” according to Recode. By 2019, “that’s expected to grow to $36.62 billion in revenue, or 80.2 percent of the market.” Google’s edge in user behavior and targeted advertising combined with their extensive resources available developers to integrate independent platforms with Google’s software services at various levels makes it very difficult for any advertising-funded individual or organization to compete online without dipping in to the Google universe. YouTube — a Google property since 2006 — has actively invested in and supported a new career path entirely within their own platform that is rapidly becoming popularly aspired-to by young children, while the reality of existence as a full-time YouTuber is far less glamorous than the immediately-visible surface would indicate, and the effort already expended by my generation in its pursuit has already made us insane.

So, what would the internet look like if Google didn’t exist? We know they’ve been working with the government now on various projects, but what if some terrible exposed transgression of theirs suddenly warranted an immediate shutdown and seizure of all Google properties? Well, we know from a post on Quora by Googler Ashish Kedia that even 5 years ago, the sudden absence of Google for “2–3 mins” set the internet into a bit of a panic, reducing overall traffic by 40%. In the time since, we’ve all grown exponentially more dependent on Google properties: billions of people rely on Google Maps for directions and, thousands of companies (including the Pentagon and other government institutions) rely on Gmail and GSuites for intercommunication, file sharing, task management, etc., and more and more academic institutions rely on Chromebook devices running connection-dependent operating systems. It’s not much of a stretch to argue that Google’s sudden disappearance would constitute a Civil Emergency in the United States, which will only become a stronger and more serious incentive for regulatory bodies to look the other way.

Though the tangible results of advertising have been quantified significantly in the past 20 years, one can’t help but wonder after watching YouTube ads for the new Mercedes-Benz S-Class on toy unboxing videos if the companies who spend big bucks on Google advertising understand where their money is going, but they know that if they don’t advertise there, their competitors will. This, of course, is a fundamental practice of a monopoly, and it’s yielded Google so much fucking money that they cannot possibly spend it fast enough, as evidenced by their investments in life extension — so that, perhaps, they will have more time on Earth to figure it out.

When you build a collection of the world’s smartest people in a self-sufficient environment that discourages exploration of other lifestyles and ideas, and you sustain the society with a gargantuan, relatively low-maintenance revenue stream, you create a culture which is not only well-primed for isolationism, but is also extremely inefficient. In fact, with its vast collection of abandoned products and properties, Google must surely be one of the most inefficient companies in history. Thinking back on recent software releases along with its recent entries into the hardware space, Google is also one of the worst competing tech companies. Very little aside from Gmail, Google Photos, Google Maps, and Chrome have found their place or garnered significant usership. Google Play Music is unintuitive and impossible, Google Allo and Google+ are all but forgotten addendums to other services, and Google Search — its core, original function — has been out of control for years, and all of them are designed blandly and excruciatingly tiring to look at.

Google Shun

If this all has stirred nothing more in you than a desire to eliminate Google from your own online life as much as possible, there are alternatives in almost every one of the sphere’s they dominate. As of late, DuckDuckGo has accumulated a fair amount of buzz and coverage as a private, more relevant alternative to Google’s plain old search engine. Though it is clever enough to list us as the first result for “extratone,” I’ve found it simply insufficient as a replacement in my own life because, essentially, it rarely delivers what I’m looking for. By contrast, Dropbox Paper is such an elegant cloud notetaking and word processing software that it makes Google Docs look simply idiotic (and warrants its own review very shortly.) For getting around, know that MapQuest is not only still around — it’s now a very competitive mobile navigation app.

I, myself, have allowed Google as complete of access to my information and behavior as possible because I believe “privacy” is a completely futile endeavor if one wishes to be a part of society, though I do often use alternatives to Google services simply because I fucking hate the way they look. If you want a more complete list of services and software that allow one to shun the Google God entirely, you’ll be forced to seek out less dignified sources like Lifehacker and Reddit and decide if the additional time you’ll spend using most of them to accomplish the same tasks is really worth your digital angst.

If Google were to be more explicit with its users and staff about its aspirations to take over control of our lives, there will be little to do but accept the future they intend to create because they’ve long been too powerful to control. In the meantime, I’d suggest you continue to use whatever software works best for you and refrain from wasting your time fretting on conspiratorial suppositions of what the tech industry may be doing to “invade your privacy,” because there is no longer any such thing, nor will there be ever again. However, I would also urge to you worship your own Gods, whomever they may be, for Google will never be worthy. I, for one, shall only pray to our Mother Sun.

#social #google #future #web #privacy

original post

[adhdusagi]

Princess Tutu episodes 14-end

I watched the entire second half of the series in one day because I make good life choices

Previously on Princess Tutu Watch:

Okay I can get back to Tokyo Mew Mew now

+++++++++++++++++++

It was a lie, I could NOT

EPISODE, UH, FUCK……… 14! - The Raven

asdklsdhflhdl (google docs stop capitalizing my keysmashes) they’re bringing back “once upon a time there was a man who died”!!!!!! Honestly that might be one of my favorite lines in this whole show

Gotta love the sarcasm in “and they lived happily ever after”

The theme song…… it’s so good

Oh nooooooooooooooo

This scene is literally just the “I’ve got a headache that comes and goes” meme

Fakir you complete dork. You’re all dorks

“Princess Tutu and a crocodile are totally different” you tell ‘im, Mytho

Duck speaks so much more regularly than the other main characters? I mean, there’s Fakir over there like “Shall we go?” and Duck saying things like “I’m gonna be late!” and using “like” and “stuff”... I mean, I know this is the dub, but

Duck why are you using Fakir’s dumb excuses omg

Lilie is just the personification of my negative thoughts

BUT WHAT DID MYTHO TELL FAKIR

Awwwwwwww Duck, no

They’re in a terrifying Raven Dimension with like, ominous music and people wailing in the background and meanwhile Kraehe and the Raven are just having like, a normal conversation

Also, are the white feathers supposed to be like, what’s trapping the Raven there?

Duck please

Wait, Princess Tutu transformed on her own!

Episode 15 - Coppelia

Also, watching Fakir try and fail to stop Mytho from jumping out the window is Pain

Lilie you are a Strange Child

STEALTH DUCK RETURNS!

Oh no?? Fakir doesn’t want to get Mytho in trouble???

alsdfksfh the entire student population is Here For The Drama

Duck don’t yell in the library

Fakir just doesn’t make good decisions

Oooh that doesn’t look good

Sad Kraehe Theme Alert

You “just happened” to do a lot of things, Lilie

Omg Lilie “Want to just happen to go see?”

Rue just shows up to trash talk Fakir for a minute and then leaves

I say as if I’m not in So Much Pain

Yeah! Every single time Princess Tutu transformed in the first season, it was because Drosselmeyer said something, but now she’s transforming on her own!

Oh no Mytho

Also I like how Tutu doesn’t just flat-out say “you don’t actually love him” and instead is just like “how about you try doing things you enjoy with the guy you like instead of giving him Your Actual Heart”

Episode 16 - The Maiden’s Prayer

Wait is Angry Narrator back or did the other narrator just regain the heart shard of Withering Scorn?

Lilie isn’t even interested in the love triangle, she just wants Duck and Pike to fight

Is that Goatette

“So pretty…. What? Oh yeah I meant the flowers of course haha” Duck

Such a serious child

“Love only me, hate everyone else”/“The prince who loves me and me alone”

This child is amazing

It was such a good decision to give Fakir a little sister. A good decision for everyone involved

aslfsdjhklgdlghdjghfdklkdkalh Kraehe told him that Duck would suffer if she knew what was happening with Mytho so Fakir isn’t going to tell herrrrrrrrrr Fakir please don’t internalize that!! You are breaking my heart sir

Oh my god it wasn’t Goatette it was the sloth

*The Can Can plays loudly over a sloth just kinda hangin out*

Episode 17 - Crime and Punishment

This may or may not have been the last episode I watched the first time I watched this show?

“Eyes of truth” huh?

This dumbass child

Femio, from the other side of the school grounds: “DID SOMEBODY SAY ‘PRINCE’????”

What the Fuck are you doing with your hands, kid

Why are you a cow

Honestly as over-the-top as Femio is he is also simultaneously the most realistic middle-schooler in this entire show

Oh my god he’s on probation

I’m sorry I’m just talking about Femio but he’s hilarious

Truly a Grade A Idiot

What is he even doing with his life

I’ve become Lilie

These characters have emotional crises over people saying the stupidest things and tbh I relate to that

Oh dear!

The thing is, Femio would be really annoying in real life, but in a tv show he’s just amusing

Rue’s FACE, she’s so done

I like how Duck can tell which building Rue’s in just by the amount of crows around it

Tbh all the students probably have noticed what’s going on, they just think it’s some kind of weird performance art thing. Wouldn’t be out of character for this school

Fakir and Uzura really are siblings, I love this

The best part about this episode is it’s this completely ridiculous person unintentionally getting in the middle of everybody’s emotional issues

“I feel kinda like something happened, and kinda like it didn’t” Duck you are absolutely correct

And of course the Aquarium is good once again

Episode 18 - The Wandering Knight

Incidentally, how old are these kiddos? We know Mytho is older than Duck, so Fakir and Rue probably are too?? But like, probably only by a year? Who even knows what their actual ages are

I mean, Duck is a duck so

It’s! The trees from the opening!

I don’t know if I’ve asked this before, but why does Fakir have a horse?

Oh my god Lilie

Can everybody STOP picking on Fakir for being afraid to die? He is 14, leave him alone

Ahiru is trying so hard to be helpful, give her a chance Fakir

Once again Rue shows up to get in a burn on Fakir and then leave

I swear every time the Aquarium plays in this show

Oh noooooooo Ruuuuueeeeeeee

Literally Protect All Of These Characters

Save These Children From Their Own Emotional Issues

FAKIR PLEASE

Pride is absolutely the worst feeling Mytho could get back right now?

“There’s something sinister going on that I’m not a part of!” And that really gets to you doesn’t it Dross. I bet it’s really… grinding your gears!!!

(why do I feel so proud of insulting a fictional character)

Episode 19 - A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Wow we really are starting this one off on a sinister note (it’s Drosselmeyer’s revenge on me for that pun)

Of course he can’t tell you, he doesn’t fuckin know what’s going on

Fakir please stop basing your entire identity around being a knight

Oh no, Mytho’s regained the heart shard of Basing Your Entire Identity Around Upholding A Role

I wonder if Hermia being tall is like, a meta Shakespeare joke, cause in the play Helena’s really tall and Hermia’s really short, but in every production I’ve seen it was the other way around

Rue stop projecting your insecurities onto your boyfriend

Ohhhhhhhh dear

Finally someone tells all the crows hanging around to shut up

Oh my god she really is super tall

Or Ahiru’s just super short

I am learning so much about ballet mimes

Cool bird shadows

Whoa, different raven background. And the Raven isn’t speaking with him this time? What does it mean

On no, Tutu

Hahaha oh no

Aaahaha they’re the same

THEY EVEN DO THE SAME ARM-FLAILY THING

Episode 20 - The Forgotten Story

ALRIGHT, TIME FOR THE FAKIR’S SAD BACKSTORY EPISODE

Raetzel: *walks in*

Uzura: And where do you fit in the shipping chart, ma’am

THIS is a High Quality Directatorial Decision

Oh no Duck. oh no she’s so earnest nooooo

It is just Extremely Wrong to see Mytho dancing to something besides Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy

Mr. Cat can hear the word “wedding” from three floors up

Oh my GOD they put broken heart stickers on the window

I mean, I say they but we all know it was Lilie

Again, Duck knows exactly where shit’s going down just because that’s where all the crows are

Oh no!

Everybody needs to stop giving Fakir shit Right Now. Everybody needs to stop thinking it’s a bad thing that Fakir didn’t fucking Die, and that includes Fakir OKAY????

I’ve been thinking… Raven Mytho keeps saying things like “people only want love because they want to be loved” and I wonder… if that was sort of his experience as a prince. Or maybe I’m just getting this mixed up with Utena lol. But it does seem like a genuine issue he has as opposed to just something he says to manipulate people. Hm.

Episode 21 - The Spinners

Every time the narrator says “once upon a time there was a man who died” I Will Flip

Duck tries to lean nonchalantly against a door, it goes about how you’d expect

Duck that’s not how writing works (ughgfjdghskjkgf my pain)

AW NO

Oh no Duck is too relatable

UUAAAAAA TREE GHOST TREE GHOST

“Follow my every order and be prepared to die if you should fail” it’s almost like you WANT me to hate you. FAKIR DOESN’T NEED THIS

See Duck agrees with me

PETITION FOR PEOPLE TO LEAVE FAKIR THE FUCK ALONE THAT MEANS YOU TREE GHOST

Ohshit it’s that old guy from the bookshop???

Uzura is NOT “unrelated”, obviously she is Fakir’s baby sister

“I’m just watching again” oh no Duck

Autor what the Fresh Heck are you doing to Fakir

YOU ARE NOT FINE?????????

Honestly Fakir needs to get in touch with his emotions, not get sleep deprived and hallucinate in a field

This tree is saying things Edel said??? Was Edel made from the wood of this tree?????? Oh my god???????????

Anyway that was Intense

Listen, Raven Mytho has real issues and you can fight me on this

Ah, I see Dross is practicing the time-honored authorial tradition of “If the Story Isn’t Working, Hit It With a Wrench”

Episode 22 - Crown of Stone

But who’s going to protect Fakir huh? Answer me that, Duck

One big-ish happy familyyyyyyyyy

I needed this life advice tbh

Aaaaaah Uzura’s talking to Rue!

“Are you the Rue we’re worried about?” I love how she just included herself in that

Autor, I’m……. not sure you want the tree ghost cult to acknowledge you

Uhm, I’m pretty sure Autor doesn’t fit into the shipping chart and I think Uzura would agree with me

Ah fuck!!! Fakir turn around

Wait it’s an owl on a grandfather clock?? Is that actually a thing? These watchnotes are coming full circle

“I want people to love me, but is it okay to just be loved?” yep, the prince is having issues

Autor, I’m pretty sure Ahiru is figuring all that out right now

And like, the Book Men totally know it too, so

HOLY CRAP THIS SEQUENCE

AND THE MUSIC THE MUSIC IS PERFECT

SKLAFDJKVHFJK;JKLSdf;DSLKJFAKSDAKFJHFKLJJFGKLHGJFHSDLJ

I love this show

EPISODE 23 - Marionette

OH! OH! IT’S THE MUSIC EDEL ALWAYS PLAYED BUT SPED UP! That’s actually kinda creepy!

Anyway now I know why I’m so protective of Fakir, we’re both writers who can’t write anything

Oh noooooooooooo Rue

Oooooooooooh don’t like that

Ruuueeeeeeeeee please don’t stab your boyfriend we’ve been over this

Incidentally, hulu needs to quit it with these bogus commercial placements

Drosselmeyer: How dare you try to resolve your emotional problems!

Dross that’s called character development

Hahahaha joke’s on you Dross!

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I! LOVE! THEM!

No of course your heart is lovey-dovey Uzura! Your heart is the lovey-dovey-est!!!

Incidentally, Autor is That Guy who says just because you haven’t finished/published anything you’re not a Real Writer. And he is Wrong

Episode 24 - The Prince and the Raven

Okay, just from this title I know I won’t be able to handle this

THIS ISN’T EVEN THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE

YOU ARE HITTING ME WITH ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIED RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE I CANNOT BELIEVE

Okay but and then this story explains all of Raven Mytho’s emotional issues as well???

*sigh* Autor……. Fakir literally just told you his motivation is to protect people and you’re still going on about controlling the fates of all mankind… are you sure you’re not Drosselmeyer’s direct descendent?

Rue don’t go into the crow building

Honestly I’m still dying over the fact that you can tell where things are happening purely based on which building all the crows are at today

Tiny Rue is breaking my heart

UUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA TINY RUE IS DOING BALLET

Omg Rue in the beginner’s class!

Oh noooo Uzura’s saaaaad

I KNOW I’ve heard this songgggggggg

THAT WAS A BIT OF THE FOSSILS FROM CARNIVAL OF THE ANIMALS???

Okayokayokay so it’s not Carnival of the Animals but DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS it’s another piece by Saint-Saens and DO YOU KNOW what that piece is called????? fuckin Danse Macabre!!!!! I am immediately filled with a sense of foreboding!!!

The music choices in this show are going to destroy me one day

HOLY CRAP????

I can’t believe so goddamn much happened in this episode???

Episode 25 - The Dying Swan

I’m not rrrrrrrrreadyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Not even the narrator’s obvious disappointment in Drosselmeyer can give me solace

Oh my god so is the Drosselmeyer we know just a character in Dead Drosselmeyer’s story?

I think it’s a testament to this story’s power that I’m having so many emotions about it even though I know what’s going to happen? Like, some stories, reading the summary is pretty much the same as hearing the story, but Princess Tutu is not one of those stories

Like I just overcame my social anxiety to ask my roommate to be quieter, that’s how good this story is

Aaaaaagh Rue’s change from saying “you love me” to saying “I love you” my HEART

Oh shoot! Mytho’s angry! I thought one of the gate heart shards might be anger

Oh my god Autor literally no one cares what TEA Drosselmeyer drank look at Fakir he’s so done

Aaaaaaaa ohno

EVISCERATE HIM FAKIR

Holyshitholyshitholyshit

Okay but see the lake is outside the city so Dross just took some random normal duck and plunked her down in his fairytale town and that’s why like, a cat teacher seems weird to her because she’s not from inside the story

OH NO THEY’RE PLAYING THE SWAN BUT THIS TIME IT’S RUE

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck OFFFFFF

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh it’s the sword birds

excUSE you Dross, the knight has NOT “long been useless”

Episode 26 - Finale

I can’t believe after 9 years I’m finally going to finish watching this show

Okay it’s happening

It begins and ends with “once upon a time, there was a man who died”, the absolute most perfect first line in the history of first lines and you can fight me on this

Okay I’m already almost crying just from the theme song, like the Tchaikovsky fits perfectly into it? I’m gonna sing it

I’m just screaming???? They’re all in distress

BUT DUCK IS NOT GOING TO GIVE IN TO DISTRESS

RUE IS THE SWAN

DUCK DECIDES TO WRITE HER OWN STORY AND THE MUSIC FROM THE END OF THE THEME SONG STARTS PLAYING MY HEART

I’M ACTUALLY CRYING

IT’S ALL THE PEOPLE SHE HELPED

THEY ARE PLAYING THE THEME THAT PLAYS WHEN DUCK IS HAPPY

FUCKING -- AND YOU HIT ME WITH ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIED NOW

LOOK! LOOK THE SCENERY OUTSIDE THE TOWN FADES IN

I watched it.

[deeeelightfuldee]

What's the last thing that scratched you? probably benny

Have you ever seen any of your friends' bums? yep

Is silence peaceful or eerie? both. depends on when and where.

Do you try to use different vocabulary? i should try to more frequently than i do. honestly i usually like to make up my own words lol.

If someone you loved was murdered, would you want to know how? this makes me livid to imagine but yes i would.

How would you react if all the mascaras in the world vanished? i mean if we all are going to have the same lashes then i wouldnt be bothered. my eyelashes are so blonde so i dont like the look of them without mascara, but honestly, id get used to it.

Did you have toys all over your room as a child? not at all. my toys really weren’t kept in my room at all. i shared a room with my sister and that made it impossible to do so. 

Do you think Miley Cyrus is a good actress/singer or just awful? ummm she is not my personal cup of tea but im guessing she is talented in order to have the fame she has had.

What's wuith all these Family stars lately? ? family stars? like who

Does watching the news upset you? I honestly hate the way news is built around negativity and money. everything is biased. its a great way to feel terrible, quick.

What mark did you get on the last test/project/etc you got back? 115% :)

Do you know anybody with naturally bright red hair? Yes. a whole family.

Have you ever heard of the magazine J-14? uhhhhhhhhh no i dont think so

Does/did your school have a spirit week? no. i was homeschooled.

Do/did you participate in it? --

Is the plural of octopus octopi? there are multiple ways to state plural octopus. 

When is the last time you said 'but'? probably like the last time i spoke.

Does your best friend have any piercings? ok lets say emily. she has a LOT of ear piercings. no where else.

Can you hear anyone talking right now? the instagram live im watching

Are there any bibles in your house? many.

What do you use to carry your things around in? (Purse,pocket, ote bag etc) i have a cross-body purse.

Is the ringer of your phone loud? if i turned it on, yes.

What are baby cows called? Calf.

What about baby geese? goslings

Are there any high heel shoes in your house? just mine

What are cuter: poodles or germna shepards? german sheps defffffffffinitely. im not a poodle person. all these golden-doodle type breeds are so blah when theyre above puppy phase.

How many things are saved in your favorites? What favorites?

^Name any three of them. --

What color is your favorite pair of pants? uhhh i guess jean colored

Moose, mooses, meese or meesi? moose. why are we still talking plurals.

Have you ever liked someone for over a year? gosh yea

^Did they know or not? Did they return the feelings? in the circumstances where this was the case (2 separate times) both knew. one had off and on feelings i think. the other one i think had feelings for me but idk how deep they were at the time.

How many pairs of shoes are/were kept in your locker? no locker for me.

What is the mushiest and most romantic thing someone has ever done for you? hmmmmm. ok a couple tie for first: 1. wrote me a song 2. wrote me a poem 3. sent me an obscene amount of roses 4. wrote me letters 5. sent me a journal with the first couple pages written 6. did a daily journal that was very private and dear to us both 7. sent me a box of items that were very dear to them 8. listened to a comment i made briefly in passing about an item i loved that is no longer carried in stores and found a way to ship it to me from the vendor

^Did you enjoy it? Very much so.

What is shepard's pie made out of? gross nasty things.

Do you like watching spoofs? eh 

Who would you love to trade wardrobes with? quite honestly so many people. i feel like my wardrobe does not reflect my style whatsoever but i have no money to get new pieces so ive just kind of dropped off of feeling good in my clothes.

What's better: an apology to your face or a nice apology letter? either. 

What do you do when there's something in your eye? this happens so frequently. mostly mess with it til it comes out.

Can you see any dust on anything from where you are? uhhhhh yes this room is SO dusty even like an hour after i dust. i desparately need an air purifier. it irritates my allergies to such an ungodly level

Do you ever spit off bridges onto the things below? NO. that is SO freaking gross.

Has anyone ever kissed you when you REALLY weren't expecting it? Yes.

^Was it a good random kiss, or a bad random kiss? ummm ok one time that comes to mind it was incredible. i literally came inside and danced around my bedroom and like squealed into my pillow cus i thought it was just the best thing. another time it happened and i did not want it. it was post assault. different guy. but my fears of being assaulted again were SUPER high and it made me SO uncomfortable and tense.

Is/was your locker clean? no locker.

Who was the last person to give you money? mom

How much was it? uhhh 16 bucks for car stuff she needed me to get.

What is the last thing you got a blister from? something i did on my hands and i cant recall what it was.

Do you know who Reggie Mantle is? no

What color is your country's flag? Your state's/province's? The USA flag is red, white, and blue. the state one is white with an eagle and flag and i think some sort of red ribbon with writing and uhhhh a sun and rock

Have you ever ruined someone's relationship? apparently very much so.

Do you remember the song that used to b really popular,'She will be loved'? maroon 5 yeah 

What is the last thing you used construction paper for? literally anything.

How many spoons are in the kitchen? gosh a lot. we use spoons a LOT

About how big would someone's belly be if she was 5 months pregnant? tf kind of question is this

Are there any framed pictures of yourself around? yes

Do you think that people in Newfoundland live in igloos? no.

How much is a can of pop at the nearest store? like a vending machine would be a buck n some change. 

Has anyone ever told you they were in love with you, then cheated on you? yes

Do you use coasters? i try to unless its a surface it doesn’t need to be ... like the kitchen table or somethin

Do you shake your hips when you dance? sometimes! if the situation calls for it

What number is this question? dont know, dont care

Do you have any friends who have never seen you makeup-free? uhhh probably. 

Do you know anyone with freakishly big ears? no

Whose the last person to dissapoint you? eh.

Do you deal with deaths well? ummmm no, i dont think well necessarily. like i did not feel emotion about my dad’s parents dying. i felt an obscene amount of pain about Josh dying. it just kind of seems all over the place. grief is messy.

What will you be doing an hour from now? either more surveys or idk. 

Do you feel comfortble changing out in the open in changing rooms? no i do not like to change in front of people. nooooo. i am very insecure about my body shape.

Is it annoying when people post their drama all over facebook? nah half the time its entertaining. but you wont catch me doin it

Do you say 'plushie' or 'stuffed toy'? stuffed animal

Have you ever volunteered at an animal shelter? Yes.

What is the worst thing that could happen to you? could be killed i guess.

Do you have a playlist made on youtube? uhhhh no

Does buying people's things second-hand gross you out? i mean some things are totally fine. some things i wont buy PERSONALLY but i dont see anything wrong with other people doing so. for instance, i won’t buy bedding, undergarments, shoes, bathing suits, wedding dresses, etc.

[ghostmartyr]

Fic: A Terrible Idea [7/?]

Fandom: Attack on Titan Title: A Terrible Idea Author: Immi Rating: PG-13 Summary: Ymir’s pursuit of the hot cheerleader was meant to stay strictly lustful. But it’s a high school AU with a ship tag, so you know, fuck that. Notes: Hey, so if you’re just seeing evidence of this fic now thanks to the Galliard ship tags, this is a yumikuri fic, but this chapter is in Galliard’s pov, and so his romantic woes are unavoidable and awkward. And hopefully entertaining. Obviously it’s not meant as a standalone, but it probably can be read as one for the sake of ship feels.

Segment summary: Porco is a bi disaster.

I II III IV V  VI

This wasn’t happening.

Mr. Smith had a standing policy. Help out cleaning his classroom at the end of the week, get extra credit as judged by the custodian. Porco did not need the extra credit, Ymir could fuck right off with that, but he wasn’t going to turn it down. Kenny’d had them fighting for Levi’s approval through chores since second grade. He knew how to clean a room.

For anyone who cared to know, that meant he was easy to find on Friday afternoons, scraping gum off desks with Connie and Sasha (who did need the extra credit).

Reiner Braun was not supposed to care.

He wasn’t supposed to be sitting on a desk Porco had just cleaned, pretending to be cool, while people who did care were prepping for practice like the coaching staff told them to. Good to know this was the work ethic that kept him off the team.

“Hi,” he’d said, smiling that toothpaste commercial grin Porco’s way, stepping into the history room like he belonged there.

He didn’t. He had history with Mr. Dok. Reiner had no reason at all to be sitting on a desk in Mr. Smith’s classroom, shooting finger guns at Connie and breathing so deeply that the buttons on his polo shirt were straining to keep his oversized muscles from bursting free.

That wasn’t some kind of accident.

Marcel joked that Reiner was too swol for things like clothes. Marcel, being a normal person, didn’t get it. Porco had survived a year of PE with Reiner before. Mr. Quarterback Superstar had a thing for flexing in front of mirrors. He would come to school shirtless every day if he could. Wearing clothes that barely fit, showing off the body that everyone fell over themselves to praise every time his team scored him a touchdown, was as close as he could get.

Ymir said he was too much of a square to use steroids. He was, but there was no natural reason for someone’s arms to be that big. Marcel was ten times the athlete Reiner was, and he still looked like a person, not a teenage bodybuilder.

“I was looking to hit you up, and Marcel said you’d be here,” Reiner had said, propping his sculpted ass on top of Porco’s hard work. Yeah sure, Levi wouldn’t notice that at all.

Now Reiner was looking at him like Porco had anything to do with this conversation. It wasn’t even a conversation. Reiner just decided to walk in and ruin his day, and since that couldn’t be enough, he was trying to turn it into a group project.

Did he somehow not remember what those went like? Those five weeks of third grade where they were paired in art were the longest of their short lives, Kenny getting called in three separate times—culminating in him being permanently barred from PTA thanks to Reiner’s mother (what was her problem)—and last Porco had stepped in that room, the air conditioning vent was still clogged with papier-mâché.

Not to mention last year’s English mess. It was like he lived to tear down Porco’s grade point average.

Cluing in a little in the stony silence, Reiner got to the point.

“Your sister’s friends with Historia Reiss, right?”

The point was that this was actually fucking happening.

“She is not my sister,” Porco said, sourly.

Reiner barely had eyebrows, but what was there knit together. “Ymir?” he said, like Porco couldn’t figure out who they were talking about on his own. “Marcel said you guys were family.”

There was something sick about Reiner using Marcel’s good nature as a weapon. Porco glowered at the concerned pouting thing his lips were doing. He hoped Reiner knew it made him look stupid.

Porco cleared his throat. The words weren’t showing up the first try. “She’s Ymir. What do you care?”

Reiner perked up. Like, his whole body bounced like a spring. “You know how homecoming’s next week?”

No, really? That thing the student council had thrown away their budget for to get banners covering every other hallway? That was happening? Who could have guessed.

Porco nodded obediently, jaw clenched. Ymir had dragged him into enough school plays for him to know when he was supposed to be following a script. Not that Reiner would care. He had his pep talk face on. Sunshine confidence was leaking out of his pores. He was impossible to talk to when he got like this. He was impossible most of the time anyway, but it was somehow worse when he had that sparkle in his eyes to go with his teeth.

“I,” Reiner announced, “want to ask Historia to the dance.”

Porco’s concept of a just and fair world crumbled.

“What.”

“Yeah,” Reiner said, somehow not hearing the blood-curdling scream resounding in Porco’s chest. “It seems like the thing to do, you know? Every school has a power couple. Doesn’t hurt that she’s some kind of saint. She raised more money for the cheerleaders’ fundraiser than they’ve had in years, and—”

And what, he didn’t get enough pretty blond when he looked in the mirror? Blood pumped loudly in Porco’s ears. Reiner’s visage blurred.

Perfect logic. No, let’s not date someone we know, and maybe like for reasons that aren’t total crap, let’s go with the person who matches some absurd popularity scale that neither one of us really deserves. Such sense. Much thought. Wow.

Where did he get off, anyway, thinking about asking someone out on such short notice? Asking someone out he clearly didn’t know anything about, and dragging Porco into it because he wouldn’t know tact if it bit him on his perfect ass, and holy fuck, Historia Reiss?

Really?

Connie and Sasha were scrubbing windows. The squeaking matched his grinding teeth.

Was taste just not a thing? Did he miss something? Was walking around like an alien abductee in now?

Reiner had never even talked to her, if he had he wouldn’t need a damn proxy to hold his behemoth hand.

He was talking to Porco just fine—he was still fucking talking, so clearly conversational skills gave him some kind of buzz—but sure, no, go for the opposite of that. Treating each other like equal human beings who didn’t need stilts to be at eye level was way too conventional and un-creepy for the undisputed lord of the school.

“—pretty, too—”

Porco saw red.

“Fuck off, she’s already dating my sister!”

…

…

The windows stopped squeaking.

Reiner’s mouth stayed open, without sound, and that was so damn preferable Porco was going to kill something, hopefully him. The pressure in his head let off, and a crisp twinge of satisfaction took its place.

For the five seconds of peace he had before his brain caught up.

“Oh,” Reiner said.

Connie and Sasha were both staring, looking like summer break had come back early.

Oh, Porco thought.

Oh no.

“I guess that doesn’t work, then.”

Reiner lifted himself off the desk, arms flexing for pure show. The creases in his ill-fitting shirt said his abs were doing all the work, and Porco didn’t know why that mattered, but he was in hell now, and some of that meant watching Reiner-the-human-specimen getting to his feet in slow motion while flames crept up Porco’s face.

This was not happening.

“They aren’t public about it,” Porco blurted. Dawning horror made his voice come out echoey. He made as much eye contact with Reiner as he could stand. “Don’t go—they aren’t… Don’t spread it around.”

Reiner’s face melted into compassionate understanding. Awful look for him. “No problem. I wouldn’t—hey,” his hand was on Porco’s shoulder and he wanted to bite it off, “I know how it can be.” What did that mean. “Don’t worry about a thing, man. I’ve got your back. And theirs.”

He was smiling. Why was he smiling. Porco needed him to stop.

“You should let Ymir know they’re a really cute couple.”

They weren’t, and there was no way Reiner had ever had that thought until five seconds ago.

He gave Porco’s shoulder an extra pat. “I’ll catch you at practice.”

The silence left in Reiner’s wake when he exited the classroom was how most horror movies started.

Porco looked at Connie.

Connie looked at Sasha.

Sasha looked delighted.

“Ymir finally has a girlfriend?”

Hell.

----

Staying in Mr. Smith’s room until every other human being in the school was gone was not going to work out. Ymir would find him and laugh at him. Then maybe never speak to him again. Marcel would find him and want to know what was wrong. Levi would find him, ignore him, and tell Kenny something was wrong.

Pieck would find him, and be so wonderful he’d want to tell her what was wrong.

Pieck did find him.

She stood in the doorway, leaning too heavily against it. Her arms hated going a full week with crutches. Ymir usually made good on playing pack mule for her backpack, but there was a limit to how much they could help. It sucked.

Pieck smiled through the shadows under her eyes. “It’s not like you to take so long with the cleaning, Pock.”

There were days when that smile was all Porco needed to love life. Today was one of them before Reiner showed up and got him to ruin everything. Porco stopped viciously scrubbing his desk with a paper towel. “Pieck,” he said, “have you ever done something really stupid.”

“No, never,” was the real answer to that. Pieck was the only person he had ever met who was immune to bad decisions. He’d known her since they were five. She was just gifted like that. Even Marcel had his screw-ups. Like being friends with quarterbacks.

Pieck rested her chin on top of her crutch. “Oh dear, what have you done?”

He frowned at his abused paper towel. Cleanser and force had torn a hole in it.

“Reiner wanted to ask Historia out to the homecoming dance.” And that was still the most fucking irritating thing to think, forget saying it out loud. If these people wanted a blonde, short, emotionless girl to rip their hearts out of their chests, they should hit up Annie. All the same stupid kinks, none of the delusion that there was something real there.

He’d told Ymir that and she told him to shut his whore mouth.

Pieck cocked her head. “He hasn’t heard? She’s not going.”

…

Well fuck that, too. Historia Reiss was some kind of cursed object designed to fuck with his life. Days after talking to Reiner weren’t supposed to get worse. Before Ymir and her stupid crush that he wasn’t allowed to call a crush without her whining, him alone in a room with Reiner was peak misery.

He sucked the injustice up and glowered at his desk. His stomach wouldn’t stop squirming. “I told Reiner Ymir’s dating Historia,” he said.

He could hear Pieck’s brain humming in the empty space of a thousand missing comments about how tactless and idiotic that combination of words was. And he’d said it in front of Connie. Sasha could remember when not to gossip. Her best friend knowing the gossip and giggling with her in study hall helped with that. Connie could not keep his mouth shut. That was how he kept losing the stashes of weed he tried to hide around school. He told people about them. Regularly.

Porco’s fingers flexed.

Ymir was never going to forgive him.

It was over her sex life—which she didn’t even have, it didn’t matter how many times she called it that—so what’d he care, but.

“Less accurate things have been said,” Pieck said. Her crutches thumped across Mr. Smith’s floor.

Porco moodily ripped his paper towel into smaller pieces. “Yeah, dating isn’t really what she’s after.”

“Isn’t it?”

Porco gave Pieck a look. It melted in the face of her smile. It was a lot closer than the doorway now, and proximity upped its powers to reincarnation levels of healing. He probably didn’t deserve that right now. Fucking Reiner. He murdered the butterflies and focused on the much easier target of Ymir being a horrible person. “You’ve had to listen to her just as much as I have. I don’t think she knows what romance is.”

And if she did, she definitely didn’t care about it. He knew enough about Historia now to feel like a pervert by association.

Pieck sat down on the desk next to his. She twirled one of her crutches. “And we all know that people never evade their feelings by telling themselves it’s something else.”

Porco snorted. “Are you kidding me? No one really does that.”

Especially not Ymir. He could almost say he liked that about her, when she wasn’t making her main mission in life having sex with a girl she barely knew. If Historia turned out to be a serial killer, she had the money and family lawyers to get away with it. They’d already sprung one family member out of jail. It wasn’t like he and Marcel and Kenny could back up the legal fees to bring someone like that to justice. He wouldn’t even get a chance to say I told you so.

“Well,” Pieck said, after a delayed pause, “you would know your sister best.”

“Not my sister.” His mouth got tired of saying that over and over again, and it was doubly annoying with people who knew what was up, but Pieck just smiled at him, sending rainbow cotton candy fluff to fuzz up his brain.

“She won’t hate you, Pock.”

Porco rolled his eyes. Mr. Smith needed to do something about his air conditioning. He was overheating.

“She won’t,” Pieck repeated. Her calloused hand stroked the back of his before cupping it warmly. “She knows how important Reiner is to you—”

“Pieck.”

She squeezed his hand. “And even if she didn’t,” Pieck continued, like she wasn’t leaving him scarred for life by making his heart swoop through the air and crash into a brick wall at the same time, “she will be delighted to have something to hold over your head. You are now the horrible person who started the rumor that she’s interested in feelings. You’re going to be doing her chores for weeks.”

Hurrah. He could hear all about how badly he was folding the sheets she planned to defile her not-girlfriend on. “Are you trying to make me feel worse?”

Pieck patted him compassionately on the head. “Never.”

Porco scoffed and looked out the window.

Stupid air conditioning.

Fucking Ymir.

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