#its okay to not know important things about society/life but like at least try to learn it

[donewiththisshitplsstop]

When I was talking about how f1 and the fia and fans are racist and a lot of you were like naur but now they've literally admitted they police Lewis different but instead of calling it racism/discrimination they call it him being a role model 💀. Yall do know this is the insidious way racists have operated since like forever like do you guys get it now orrr do I need to pull out more facts/recipes bcs I've got a lot yk.

[elodieunderglass]

It's not really my business, but honestly it feels like it would be advisable to hire a copyright lawyer. Like I don't feel like you're in it for the money, but it might be gratifying to have the guy milking your idea at least have to formally acknowledge you. I think I'd do it just for the peace of mind to know if I've been "legally" wronged or not. Either way, hope you continue to inspire, and live out a peaceful life.

(In reference to this post about the guy who pretends to have invented “Elder Teletubbies,” specifically how he is now kickstarting DnD minis of them.)

Ha, well, it’s all a little tricky I think. I might, hilariously, post on the r/legaladvice Reddit (even though they’re all cops lol) because the only thing I want here is for him to stop selling my “transformative work,” and ideally to stop pretending he invented it (which might be difficult as he appears to fully believe his work is creatively independent.)

I think if anything, my post counts as protected commentary or a transformative work of BBC’s Teletubbies, and I think it’s stinky to profit on that stuff in general (like I’m 190% okay with buying LotR fanart on stickers ! but I wouldn’t dream of trying to publish a fic with the serial numbers filed off. Why?)

I think ultimately I’m not a grifter, I’m a grownup, and I think it’s several levels of eye roll to sell fanart of a tv show on this level. I would be embarrassed to touch money made on that. I’m too fucking scrupulous and artisanal. I have toyed with a silly original novel for funsies since 2019 but keep saying things like, “oh, people will think this is too similar to something else that already exists” as if a silly original novel I write for fun has to somehow pass a Bar of Originality higher than anything salary-writers aim for.

I’m also pretty anti-intellectual-property myself in that leftist sense where I don’t believe people should be acting as if creative works are, like, oil. Like the resource extraction angle of intellectual property freaks me out, I don’t think getting super high-horse and snotty about Magical Brain Property is entirely compatible with the artisanal temperament I personally got going on here. I am like snufkin about this, simply smoking a pipe and making a flower crown saying “poor fools! Producing works for market, and serving as the guard dogs of the market, lest their work lose value if it becomes more common!” I do not have a high horse. I am not going to post 6900 words about the importance of defending fucking… Mickey Mouse. I buy those lotr stickers on Etsy! I do have a horse, but it’s a pretty low horse.

If it was his own work I would not care about this guy doing this in the least (apart from loftily calling it stinky - but hey, nerds are common and nerds are stinky, it’s not rare) IF he wasn’t STEALING FROM MY ANTI-COMMERCIALISATION DREAM TO DO IT.

That’s the bit that PISSES ME OFF too much to ignore: that and accepting compliments for being original like 😌 yes my twisted mind did this idk lol.

Like if you asked him point blank about the artistic choices he’d be like idk my twisted mind just sees the Teletubbies this way teehee! but if you ask ME why, for example, the adult Teletubbies live in the forest I’ll explain that in 2017 I was at a major life crossroads and this dream was ABOUT that. It was goodbye to my identity as a foreigner from the pine forests, and full steam ahead to settling permanently in the fucking shire (where the baby teletubbies on the bbc show live). It was about going back to work having had my first child, and saying goodbye to my various career dreams for myself (famous scientist! Published author!) as I chose instead, finally, the responsibility of working humbly as a public servant for the actual good of society. It is about witnessing the wild and saying “I am not of it, but it is my job to be its witness and voice.” That’s why the adult Teletubbies are dancing in my native forests while I’m watching them from the English hills. This guy doesn’t know that he just vaguely heard “spooky forest cryptid” and didn’t develop it at all, I do more work than that with FANFICTION in my time off!!!

So it’s really about nebulous stuff and ethics and not something worth paying a lawyer for I think!

But thank you so much for this, I think the thing that gets most perennial about it is the TOTAL GASLIGHTING of the “outside world” of the rest of the internet like, fully believing they invented this, and they DIDNT. They’re so wrong on the internet and they don’t know

[dramavixen]

Love and Redemption: A Fantasy Epic About How Prejudice Destroys Worlds, and How Love Pieces Them Back Together

**major spoilers for: Love and Redemption

After wrapping up a watch-through of Mysterious Lotus Casebook, my mom had the brilliant idea that we should rewatch the work that launched Cheng Yi to fame (or at the very least solidified him as the man to hire if you need someone to spit blood): Love and Redemption. 

I’m certain she only found this idea appealing because she doesn’t remember a TV show after it’s over. Credits rolling? Aight, time for the woman to clear up space on her brain’s memory drive. Meanwhile, my life flashed before my eyes as I recalled the anguish that’s synonymous with the show’s plot. But you know how things go when your mom wants something. If she says you're sitting through 44 hours of emotional torture with her, then you plant yourself on that couch until it’s over.

Ironically, Love and Redemption fares even better on rewatch. Though other xianxias have come close to its place in my heart, I’m now concerned that my palate won’t be so easily satiated again. It’s got your conventional reincarnation, warring realms, and a star-crossed romance while throwing curveball after curveball to shatter your expectations. Complex characters, too? An endgame villain who will haunt you in your sleep? You can’t ask for more. 

Just because you didn’t ask, doesn’t mean that the show won’t deliver something extra. I like to think that nothing reflects a society’s unsightly reality like a well-done fantasy, and this one hits closer to home the more time that passes. A thinly veiled commentary on human flaws and how difficult it is to be a good person, Love and Redemption is a drama for the ages.

This is going to get lengthy, so to prepare you, here’s how I’m divvying up this piece:

Part I: All of Them Are Classist

Part II: All of Them Are Sexist

Part III: All of Them Are Racist

Part IV: Love Wins All

---

Part I: All of Them Are Classist

It’s not my intention to disgust anyone right out of the gate, but we need to talk about Wu Tong. Do you hear what I hear? Yes, it’s the distant echo of Wu Tong’s nefarious laughter, resounding between the walls of my skull.

Quite simply, Wu Tong is the worst. (Or at least he would be, if it weren’t for that other fellow named Bai Lin. That dude will get a glaring spotlight later in this essay, trust me.) But it’s not for no reason.

Coming from a background of poverty, Wu Tong spends most of his young life trying to prove himself to upper class cultivators who don’t have any interest in who he is, only in what he has to offer them. He earns his place in his sect through relentless hard work. He utilizes unsportsmanlike methods in his attempts to win the battle tournament in opening episodes. It's not just a competition to him—he's directly told that if he gets anything other than first place, he can forget about keeping his place in his sect.

When he and the protagonists first meet, his prideful personality results from his inferiority complex. There’s no doubt that he’s a powerful cultivator, but the issue is how he finds that to be his only real value. He doesn't bother to be likable, because what's the point in doing that? Being likable doesn't fill an empty stomach. But the more he disrespects others in an effort to make himself appear important, the more others look down on him, and the more he overcompensates by fighting back even more. It’s a vicious cycle—one that never ends because no one involved wants to take the first step back.

Knowing what type of person he becomes, it’s hard to pity him in any capacity. However, it would still be unfair to ignore how others mistreat him before he even turns into a true enemy.

One scene that sticks out to me happens early on, where Wu Tong nearly injures Xuanji during a 1v1 battle against Minyan. The protagonist crew insists on getting payback. Okay, I’m with it. You can’t let such reckless violence slide. I guess they’ll get their revenge in a later stage of the tournament by beating him into the ground? 

Nah. That would be too reasonable. What they actually opt for is tricking him to fall into a trap by putting up a “have you seen my lost snake?” poster with a financial reward, knowing that he’ll be fooled because…he’s poor.

Sifeng: I asked around. Wu Tong was born to a family of lower status. He lives frugally. The reason he trains so hard is because he hopes to become someone powerful one day. […] Now he needs the money urgently to buy medicine and recuperate his inner strength before his next battle. Minyan: When you put it that way, doesn’t that mean he has no choice but to come for the ten night pearls?

Sifeng…oh no. Not you too.

The way Wu Tong behaves doesn’t warrant anyone being amicable toward him. I, too, have a nonexistent tolerance for obnoxious, violent egoists. But if later episodes are any evidence, this scene foreshadows that two wrongs won’t make a right. If they want to teach him a lesson, they shouldn’t stoop so low as to take advantage of his poverty. His family background is the one thing about him that isn’t his fault, yet it’s the one thing they choose to use against him. That’s what I call “going too far.”

Now that he's been hit where it hurts, Wu Tong feels justified in going too far himself. In a fit of desperation and contempt prompted by his master abandoning him, he stabs Xuanji. Not great. Things get extremely not great when you remember that Xuanji is the daughter of a sect leader. That quickly transforms Wu Tong’s attempted murder/almost manslaughter into the evilest act known to mankind. All five sects turn against him to hunt him down and kill him. I’m no law or philosophy expert, but I’m pretty sure the punishment for almost manslaughter is not the death penalty. 

The five sects can treat him as their prey because he doesn’t have a support system to counter them. If he were the son of another sect leader, the thought of killing him would never even have entered their minds. Targeting him so relentlessly has less to do with justice and more to do with exerting power over a lower-class young man who hurt someone infinitely more “important” than him. 

That imbalance between crime and punishment is what pushes Wu Tong over the edge. He goes on the run for several years before officially succumbing to the call of evil, after which he becomes truly irredeemable. Still, you’re occasionally reminded of his struggle—is he destined to be a villain? Or is throwing aside his remaining morality just his best chance at survival? 

Do you have any idea how I survived these past several years, when you were all trying to kill me? What did I do back then that was so unforgivable? Did your sister die? Was it warranted for all five sects to team up against me, an average disciple? Was it warranted to back me into a corner over and over again, to force me to claw out of hell? Open your eyes and look at me! These past four years, I’ve already died countless times. Every time, I clawed my way back out of hell. Five hundred taels? You want to take my life with a measly five hundred taels? Don’t look down on me. Touch here. I have a fake leg. That’s what your five sects have left me with. What’s that look of yours? Guilt? Pity? I’m not telling you this for you to pity me. I, Wu Tong, survived this far because I must have my revenge.

Something my mom likes to say is if you find yourself going against someone—but especially a dangerous person—you must leave a path for their survival. It’s less for their sake than it is for yours. Should you eliminate all their options, they’ll have no choice but to bite. And they’ll make sure it hurts like hell. 

As an impetuous teenager, Wu Tong is in the wrong. He needs to be taught that his actions are unacceptable. But that can’t be accomplished by putting a bounty on his head and demanding that he be murdered. That’s how you turn a scoundrel into a monster.

Minyan, Wu Tong’s foil, similarly doesn’t come from an optimal background. An orphan, he was taken in by the Shaoyang Sect without the obvious pressure that Wu Tong suffers. Even so, he can’t escape the innate inequality that seems to exist between him and his fellow disciples. It especially affects him because he’s in love with Linglong, Xuanji’s sister but more importantly…also the daughter of the sect leader! Poor guy.

When I was little, kids in the village would surround me every day and call me a bastard child with no parents. I could only pretend that I didn’t hear them. Because if I took it to heart, they would only ridicule me more. We can’t shut the mouths of people who want to slander us. But we can choose not to listen.

He may think that he’s past it, but later episodes see Minyan being manipulated using that exact insecurity. It’s easy to impersonate his master and nudge him to become a “spy” in the enemy base because he’s compelled to prove himself worthy of the sect and worthy of Linglong. Fake Sect Leader Chu Lei tells him:

When I first met you, you were only eight years old. You were homeless on the streets, starving and shivering. Still, you clung to your family dagger and refused to pawn it. In that moment, I knew that you were a child with an iron will. That’s why I’m here to find you today.

I can agree that Minyan is really stupid to immediately believe that his master, a guy well-known for pretending to do important things more than he actually does them, would tell him to do something as reckless as invade enemy territory. However, he also heeds the impostor’s instructions because realistically, his master asking him to prove himself is something that could happen. Any good disciple would naturally want to repay their masters for their favor, let alone a disciple who would otherwise have nowhere else to go.

The contrast between Minyan and Wu Tong shoves itself in your face as you watch, primarily through their respective relationships with Linglong (well, one of them has a relationship. The other is a creep. Can you guess who’s who?). Without family backing, the two men both struggle to find their place in the world, but they’re complete opposites purely because of their upbringing. Thankfully for Minyan, he found a family amongst people who don’t treat him as “another,” even if he may think of himself as such.

Wu Tong isn’t so fortunate. You can say it’s his own doing, a result of his terrible personality, but he certainly wasn’t born like that. And now someone will pay for it.

---

Part II: All of Them Are Sexist

As a caveat, I’ll mention that the main cast really could have used a woman who isn’t some combination of foolish, lovestruck, and/or loud. But I’m willing to overlook it just this once because the writers excel in highlighting both the ladies' flaws and how we as an audience exaggerate those flaws through our own preconceptions. 

Working backwards in terms of plot importance, we can start with Xiao Yinhua. Sifeng’s snake familiar in a human form, Xiao Yinhua is like most female leads from the turn of the millennium in that her only real strength is throwing temper tantrums. She’s also like most second female leads from the turn of the millennium in that she constantly prefers using underhanded tactics and harming others to achieve her goals—in other words, a snake. Oh. I guess that makes sense.

Her affections toward Sifeng cloud her already nonexistent judgment and prompt her to make some of the worst decisions made by anyone, ever. At first, I thought I was being unfair toward her because of my own internalized misogyny. But no. I can say with absolute confidence that I would abhor this character no matter what gender or creature or object she may be. She has no redeeming qualities aside from teaching us that someone foolish, lovestruck, and loud is doomed to self-sabotage. From that perspective, she’s still a valuable character to have because now we know that before we act, we should think: would Xiao Yinhua do that thing? If she would, do not do that thing. 

If Xiao Yinhua were willing to grow up, she could become more similar to Zi Hu. Zi Hu almost acts as a parallel to Sifeng—hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t return the affection for a literal thousand years. Also, both are very pretty. Ahem.

Zi Hu’s thousand years’ worth of experience gives her the skills to back up her unrelenting feelings for Wu Zhiqi. She’s a rarity in that her driving force is a man—a motivation that's typically a reputation ruiner for female characters—but you find her lovable instead of thinking that she lacks self-respect. The key is that her love isn’t blind and rash like Xiao Yinhua’s. Zi Hu has a plan to save Wu Zhiqi from his prison and she carries it out with intention. In other words, it’s okay to focus on love, but only if you can take responsibility for your feelings. 

Ting Nu: Why go so far? When did Wu Zhiqi ever tell you that he loved you? Your affections are merely one-sided. Zi Hu: When did he tell me he didn’t love me? Look, once I rescue him, he’ll have to be with me to thank me. 

Because Zi Hu is a literal fox, people suspect her both for being a demon and for being the demon notorious for seducing men to consume their souls. The latter is quickly debunked and becomes less of an issue than her just being a plain demon. I nonetheless find it hilarious how everyone balks when she shows them her harem of men gleefully living in her backyard. Yep, she’s a cunning vixen. You can just keep wishing you could join that harem.

Zi Hu: You're trying to shoo me away. You think I’ll storm out because of your petty tricks? You’re underestimating me. I’ve already decided, starting today, I’m going to follow you everywhere. Even if you don’t want me to, I’m going to cling to you. This old spirit isn’t going to let those thousand years of waiting be in vain. Wherever you go, I’m going with. If you dare sneak peeks at other pretty women, I’ll dig out your monkey eyes. All in all, if I’m around, no pretty woman can enter your vision. As if you could bear to leave me behind if I hang around for another thousand years!

Xiao Yinhua and Zi Hu aren’t overly victimized based on their gender within the show itself. For the better too, because whoever dares to do so would probably end up dead by a fox's claws and a snake's teeth. These two characters' existences test your innate view of female characters instead. What is it that matters to you in a female character? What standards do you hold against them?

(**Content warning for the below segment until the next purple break: brief mentions of sexual assault and suicide.)

And that's where we come to Linglong. Linglong is a loudmouthed spoiled brat. She's overbearing, and while she wants to protect Xuanji, her method of doing it is by crying crocodile tears and throwing temper tantrums in front of their father. No wonder she and Xiao Yinhua clash—two childish people who both have a compulsion to win arguments? Forget it.

A bulk of the drama sees Linglong’s primordial spirit being taken and held captive by Wu Tong. Wu Tong puts half of her primordial spirit into the body of a flower demon, whom he also forces to take on Linglong’s physical appearance. No other reason, he just wants to have his way with someone who looks and acts like Linglong, the person who jeered at him all those years ago. By the time the real Linglong recovers her primordial spirit, Wu Tong has done enough damage that she’s haunted by nightmares and memories of someone who assaulted her when she couldn't even fight back.

The lead-up to this arc is incredibly disturbing and takes root in the very first episode. On my first watch-through, I thought their relationship would take a classic enemies-to-lovers path. The directors and writers pull you in this direction with no subtlety, showing a smitten Wu Tong when he first lays eyes on Linglong. They then keep the scam going by having him act out in awful ways as he attempts to gain her attention. That’s right, it’s the brainwashing girls receive when they’re on the playground: “he pulls your hair because he likes you."

During their first meeting, Linglong is surrounded by a halo filter from Wu Tong’s perspective. Knowing what he’ll later do to her makes the seeming innocuousness of this scene revolting, but it's necessary. It's the first of many steps to prove that someone’s “affections” can’t be used as an excuse for harming whomever’s on the receiving end of them. 

Linglong can be an extremely annoying person. Her outspokenness and difficult temper shape her into an unlikable character, which then ensures that by the time Wu Tong captures her, the audience almost instinctively wants to say that it’s her fault. We all know the talk track: “he liked her, so why couldn’t she just have been nicer to him? She asked for it by being mean to him.”

When Linglong first offends Wu Tong, it isn’t for no reason: she’s angry because he endangers her sister’s life over and over again. Admittedly, she goes overboard in her retaliation against him. So what? Linglong being mean to Wu Tong and Wu Tong later targeting her are indeed connected events, but the former doesn't justify the latter. If we say that the five sects hunting Wu Tong down isn’t a fair punishment, then isn’t it also unfair for him to turn the tables on her in such a way? 

Essentially, Linglong isn’t the “ideal” victim. That’s what makes her arc all the more heartbreaking. To this day, society wants to find any excuses for the assailant. Any mistake, any flaw of the victim's will be used against her. As humans, maybe it’s instinct for us to hope that bad things only happen to bad people, and victim-blaming is our twisted way of making that an impossible reality. 

Overcome with depression and trauma, Linglong is unable to come to terms with what Wu Tong did to her. Men gossip about her and her “relationship�� with the enemy, sometimes harassing her straight to her face. Wu Tong himself finds great delight in taunting her about her “sharing his bed,” not only relishing the memories but also enjoying how much it torments her.

Linglong: It was my fault that I was captured by Wu Tong, wasn’t it? [...] Everyone thinks so. I didn’t want to be captured by Wu Tong. But after Wu Tong said all those things, everyone thinks so. Minyan: Linglong, why care about what everyone else thinks? Just pretend that you didn’t hear any of it. Linglong: But I did hear them. Why do I need to pretend I didn’t? It’s something that actually happened, so why do I need to play dumb and trick myself into thinking it didn’t? Are you going to be like them too, and mock me?

All the accusations brainwash her into thinking everything is her fault. To Wu Tong and all the people judging her, she’s nothing but a pawn to be used for their own entertainment. And once she and Minyan leave the protection of the sect, everyone finds her an easy target to push around. Hoping that her death will mean freedom for both herself and her loved ones, she attempts to drown herself before being yanked back to life and reality by Minyan.

Linglong’s struggle is many women’s worst nightmare. It’s also a diligent representation of PTSD, something that I normally wouldn’t expect from a xianxia drama. Even after she's rescued and everyone tells her that her suffering is over, it never feels over for her. At night, Lingling is awoken by harrowing dreams of Wu Tong returning to kidnap her once again:

Nightmare!Wu Tong: You’ll always belong to me. You can’t escape.

The conclusion to her arc being Wu Tong’s death and his literal letting go of her may be quite idealistic. But I prefer to think that giving Linglong her happy ending is the writers’ way of trying to assuage our fears, of showing us that there will always be another sunrise regardless of what happens.

(**Content warning end.)

Linglong becomes the drama’s strongest woman-centric plot, and I really love that the writers did it with a character whose personality isn't the most appealing. She's the imperfect woman we can find in every corner of the world, a representation of women overall instead of the minority who are considered "deserving" of justice.

Next to her, Xuanji also gets a short end of the stick. She's constantly being pushed to marry Hao Chen. Every excuse in the book is used against her: they're a fated couple, he's the only one that can take care of her, doesn't she agree that this is a part of her duty? No matter how logically she objects to it, no one really cares what she thinks. If she objects, she’s being headstrong, and that’s the end of it. (More on Xuanji to come in Part IV of this essay.)

And aside from Bai Lin’s more obvious transgressions (we're getting to those), what really irked me is just how twisted he makes the God of War’s rebellion appear in others’ eyes. The logic turns quickly from “Bai Lin must have done something wrong” into “the God of War must have been in love with Bai Lin and grew resentful that he rejected her.” I guess it’s very believable that the God of War would want to destroy the entire universe because some guy wouldn’t date her? That’s right, you can be the most accomplished woman in your field and someone will still want to attribute everything you do to being motivated by romance.

Naturally, the next question is—why is Bai Lin such a weirdo? Why does he insist on turning his friend Luohou Jidu, a man, into a woman when creating the God of War? Hmm. I smell a waft of homophobia...

---

Part III: All of Them Are Racist

And except for a small minority, I really mean "all of them" this time. Humans and celestial beings are racist toward demons. Demons are racist back toward humans and celestial beings. If you asked both sides who started it, they'd point at the other without hesitation. "They started it. By existing."

I don’t even know where to start with this topic. Part of me believes this entire section of analysis could be extraneous—do I really need to do a deep dive when you could just click a random timestamp of a random episode and have a 50% chance of finding a character saying something incredibly racist? No case studies necessary. The drama is the case study.

Obviously, while I may say that all the different races are racist toward one another, some are notably more egregious in their discrimination than others. The five sects, being in power, are the worst offenders. Every other second, someone is reminding another that they need to wipe out demons. Just the utterance of the word “demon” makes them froth at the mouth. In their possession, they have treasure troves of weapons and magical devices whose collective main purpose is to identify and kill demons. Perhaps you know someone in real life who thinks that hating something is a personality trait—that’s the five sects in a nutshell.

Zi Hu and Ting Nu are continuously snubbed for not being human even after they’ve long proven that they’re more help than harm. Ting Nu is a doctor, but even saving Hao Chen doesn’t make them think of him as anything but a demon who is evil in his very bones. Demons can do everything right, but the high and mighty humans are too pure and innocent to associate with them…aside from killing and torturing them, of course.

Highlighted Exhibit A: Sifeng almost being tortured and whipped to death based on the mere suspicion that he’s a demon. The fact that he is one doesn’t matter. His assailants operate on the doctrine that they’d rather kill an innocent person than let a demon roam free. Every action to rid the world of a demon is a virtuous one. It's a reenactment of the Monty Python witch trial but they're being completely serious. 

Highlighted Exhibit B: the other sects band together to wipe out Lize Palace without solid confirmation as to whether they’re all demons. They’re operating on the same principle as in Exhibit A, so at least you can praise them for being consistent.

Highlighted Exhibit C: before Sifeng is revealed to be a pretty bird, Xuanji’s repeated defense of him consists of "Sifeng isn’t a demon." The main purpose of these lines is to instill further fear into Sifeng and give him more reason to keep lying to her, all while Xuanji's trust in him deepens. But is it also some of her lingering innate judgment seeping through? A subconscious understanding that her family and sect will never accept a demon as her boyfriend? Well, joke’s on them because he’s one hot bird.

So how are you supposed to survive as a demon? Lize Palace results from the humans’ desire to eradicate an entire race of demons. Just as Wu Tong is driven only by revenge, the demons of Lize Palace just need to survive for long enough to one day remove their masks and live as themselves. Humans’ endless thirst for blood does nothing but fuel demons’ fire of rebellion and keep the wheel of tragedy turning.

As for the “bad guys” of Tianxu Hall? At least when they commit the same acts of evil as the other five sects, they’re willing to admit that being evil isn’t beyond them.

Yuan Lang is an extremely successful villain for this very reason. All of us love Yuan Lang, so much that we start grinning whenever he comes on-screen with his fan and sarcastic mouth. So much that when it's revealed he's been consuming people's souls, all my mom had to say about it was: “Oh. That's mean of him.”

He plots and he lies and he murders, but he doesn’t put up a facade of holding himself to a lofty moral standard. It’s also quite telling that while Yuan Lang machinates behind the scenes, 90% of his time is spent standing by and calling others out on their bullshit. Everyone around him creates their own downfall. He just happens to benefit from their stupidity.

Man with a fan and a plan. I like. 

Even so, Yuan Lang isn’t invulnerable to emotion. One of my absolute favorite scenes is where Di Lang sacrifices himself so Yuan Lang can make a getaway. It’s the only instance of Yuan Lang being subject to the pain of caring about someone else. Those short moments contrast so starkly against the sects’ inhumanity that suddenly, a revolution doesn’t seem all that bad.

Behind the bulky mask, his despair is apparent. Man. This actor’s come a long way since his F4—I mean, H4 days. If you've never watched Let's Go Watch Meteor Shower Together, don't.

Finally, we arrive on the topic of Bai Lin. Oh, boy. I still haven’t watched Blood of Youth because seeing the actor’s face triggers my fight-or-flight response. And it’s been years.

Bai Lin, the one racist to rule them all. The guy must have a handbook on “How to Be Racist” or something—how else could the contempt that spews from his mouth, the spark of repugnance in his eyes, and the brazen obstinacy in his opinions be so immaculate?

The entire drama consists of setting the stage for the full reveal of Bai Lin turning Luohou Jidu into a weapon of war to be used against his own people. By the time all the pieces fall into place, you’ve already witnessed the tragedy created by discriminatory practices between mortals. You've seen how Sifeng is targeted and Xuanji forced to move her hand against him. You've seen how the sects use their power to harm instead of help. You've seen how demons plot their revenge for centuries. Once Bai Lin is confirmed to be the genesis of all that, there’s nothing left for you to feel but utter revulsion.

Bai Lin: Celestial beings and demons cannot coexist. How could my Heavenly Realm possibly hold a marriage with the Devil Tribe? Luohou Jidu: Celestial beings and demons cannot coexist...Then why do you drink with me today? Why are you friends with me? Bai Lin: Naturally, Brother Jidu, you’re different from other demons and devils. Out of all the demons and devils in this world, Brother Jidu is my only friend.

Can’t believe he even pulls the "you’re one of the good ones" card.

Bai Lin, practitioner of unethical tactics: his ultimate decision to trick and use Luohou Jidu results from racism-induced paranoia. He simply can’t believe that his friend will remain his friend, not unless he becomes "one of us." He thinks the God of War should appreciate that he's given her power and invested his time and energy in her tenth reincarnation, going so far as fool her into thinking that they loved each other once upon a time. Once Xuanji shows herself capable of independent thought, he doesn’t hesitate in turning against her and manipulating her to destroy her own self. He eventually sacrifices the entire world for the Heavenly Realm's survival. After all, what's the value of an entire planet's human and demon population in the face of his power?

He's the representation of what happens when those in power, those who have the best chance of righting wrongs and preventing more from happening, decide to perpetuate the problem. At the same time, he presents the predicament that those we rely on to give us justice are also victims of their own emotions and fears.

I venture to say that Bai Lin is the best-written antagonist in modern xianxia. He’s ruthless but has a moral compass, albeit one that only points in one direction—toward himself. His hubris aside, you have to admit that he genuinely believes he's acting for the greater good. The ends justify the means because he thinks he’s bettering the world.

Bai Lin makes awful decisions that involve genocide and cruelty because he operates on a strict utilitarian philosophy. "I do what I think will bring the best results, even if it means sacrificing something huge in the process." He’s the most dangerous character and the person we should also fear in real life because he’ll stop at nothing to create his definition of a paradise.

It would be easy to dismiss him as simply being a bad person. However, this show draws from reality in that every person exists in a gray area between good and bad. You can lean one way or the other, but you don’t fall completely into either. And that’s the foundation of the show's conflicts. Everyone's so busy trying to define what’s right and wrong that they’ve lost sight of basic compassion.

When he’s finally faced with the consequences of his actions, Bai Lin is driven to despair. He feels true remorse over what he’s done, but only because he’s fortunate enough to actually witness how the thousand-year conflict wouldn't have existed without him. We as people aren’t so lucky—those “what if”s will forever remain in the shrouded realm of impossibility.

Heavenly Emperor: You always thought that evil had sparked in the hearts of the God of War and Luohou Jidu. But the one in whom evil truly sparked was you. All things and happenings in this world are originally empty. From emptiness comes meaning. Yin and yang reverse; they support and restrain one another. The Heavenly Realm was originally empty. The Asura, too, was empty. If all is empty, then how could the Heavenly Realm be superior; and the Mortal Realm, Demon Realm, and Devil Realm be inferior? Your excessive concern for the safety of the Heavenly Realm prompted evil to take root in your heart, unable to be undone.

Seeing him in such despair almost makes me feel bad for him. Maybe I do have too much sympathy.

At this point, it's already too late to repair the damage he's caused, a realization that causes him further anguish. He rids himself of his divinity to show his remorse and accepts death. But he's already caused so much pain to everyone else. Who can put back together the world that he's destroyed?

---

Part IV: Love Wins All

(We love IU for her perfect song that also gave me the best possible final section title.)

As I seek to be conscious of my own biases, I once wondered: why is it that shaking my head at a female character for being dedicated to a man comes so naturally to me, but I can’t be more gleeful to see Sifeng put his heart out on a platter for Xuanji? Perhaps I’m also sexist. Perhaps I have double standards.

Then I thought about it some more and realized everyone loves Sifeng because he’s so blatantly unrealistic that you’re immediately able to sink yourself into his fictional beauty. He transcends gender norms because there is no person of any gender who would go to the extent that he does for Xuanji, nor is there anyone who could remain as levelheaded when faced with some of the most shameless people known to mankind. Forget all the people flying on swords and uttering magic spells. The biggest absurdity in Love and Redemption is its male lead. Yes, I'm a skeptic. But we're so lucky to have him.

Sifeng grew up in a bizarrely backwards environment where—instead of girls needing to cover up to not attract men’s attention—all men need to protect themselves by wearing masks and not associating with the opposite sex. Brainwashed for years to believe that Lize Palace is the only safe space for golden fire birds like himself, he keeps cautious around people while still harboring a subconscious longing for their warmth.

In my entire life, I never knew what a "friend" is. I finally understand now, the meaning of "fervent friendship."

Sifeng is established as the loyal lover extremely quickly. He's whipped—figuratively and literally—for Xuanji, his sheltered childhood leaving him defenseless against her unintentionally flirtatious mannerisms. He teaches her about her lost senses without judgment, nurtures limitless patience with her and others by proxy, and isn't afraid to question the status quo.

We love Sifeng for his wisdom and levelheadedness. He sees things for what they are and is commonly the voice of empathy and reason within a world of selfishness. The entire show is Sifeng going, "I might as well do it myself" in every situation because no one else cares, is capable enough, or both. He's the guy in group projects who quietly does everything and doesn't even get mad that you're the most useless team member ever. What a saint.

In the xianxia universe, he's distinct husband material (which isn’t saying much since the bar there is so low that you'd need to dig yourself a grave to reach it—which is also great because then you already have a place to go once your xianxia spouse gets you killed. I digress). His loyalty to not only others, but also who he is and what he wants, leaves him able to counter the complacency with hatred and evil permeating the world around him.

With his endless empathy, he's able to understand Luohou Jidu. While Sifeng's earliest motivation in facing the greatest devil is only to save Xuanji, he later views Luohou Jidu as an individual with his own sufferings. He's the only one to truly view Luohou Jidu as himself, not someone to eliminate, not just an extension of Xuanji. To Sifeng, everyone deserves a chance to be heard before a verdict is passed over them.

Not to mention, these two’s interactions are absolutely hilarious. I wish I could've seen the extensive conversations that must’ve went on in the censorship agency over them. 

Fellas, is it gay to clasp a guy’s hands within your own and stare deeply into his eyes while reminiscing about your loving relationship if he’s technically got a woman captive in his brain? 

But perhaps what shines the brightest about Sifeng is how he suffers. He's so pretty when he suffers. Wait. That's not my point.

When his Lovers’ Curse triggers for the first time, Xiao Yinhua speaks the gospel that a lot of the audience probably has in mind: "you did so much for her, you were so good to her, but she doesn’t love you back." And it sounds kind of right? But also kind of not? Then Sifeng opens his mouth and you think, "oh, crap, I've been brainwashed by misogyny yet again."

She never asked me to like her. If someone wants to kill another just because she doesn’t reciprocate their feelings, then that person will never be loved. They also don’t deserve to love another.

Again and again, Sifeng puts himself in harm's way to keep loving Xuanji. Sure, he wants her to love him back, but that's secondary to his desire to be honest with his own feelings.

With the bright beacon of light that is Sifeng’s blinding love, I feel most viewers overlook Xuanji’s capabilities as a female lead. Her comparative passiveness in the relationship makes it seem as if she doesn’t love him enough. I attribute this to the same reason as our previous conclusions, that female characters in romance dramas have a harder time garnering the audience’s approval than their male counterparts. Are we innately more judgmental toward women, or is the standard for men still so low that we’re already impressed when a guy surpasses the bare minimum? Probably both.

It's easy to forget that Xuanji is the one who's nice to Sifeng first. When they first meet, Xuanji literally falls into his arms. Then he just…drops her. (And they say chivalry is dead.) But Xuanji doesn’t care.

The rules of his sect push Sifeng into being a bit of a porcupine in his demeanor. He puts up a wall against everyone, but especially Xuanji. After all, as an innocent boy, Sifeng needs to protect himself from evil women. Or something.

Xuanji is the one who can't take the hint tries to befriend him and tears down his wall with the gentle, graceful nature of a sledgehammer. She insists that she'll retrieve his lost mask because she knows it's important to him. When she discovers that Sifeng is punished over it, Xuanji is the one to point out how unfair it is. Her straightforwardness and sense of principle are the reason Sifeng begins to open up at all.

Xuanji: I’m the one who took off his mask. If you want to hit someone, hit me. [...] Not to mention, he almost died trying to get his mask back. So I'd like to ask you, Palace Leader, is Sifeng's life more important, or is that mask more important?

She knows no fear, so she doesn't consider emotionless rules to be worth anything if they cause pain for the people she cares about. In many ways, Xuanji is the one who teaches Sifeng to stand up for what he believes in.

That Xuanji lacks her six senses makes her the least susceptible to the prejudicial habits of her surroundings. She accepts what they believe, that demons are bad, but only because that's all she knows. Whereas most of her peers are content remaining in their ignorance, this supposedly heartless gal is curious about the world. She can easily abandon her preconceptions in favor of what she witnesses the world to be.

It takes constant practice and tests for Xuanji to completely shed her old beliefs. The introduction of Zi Hu marks the beginning of her growth. Xuanji, concerned and angry that Zi Hu is holding her friends captive, fully intends on killing the fox until Ting Nu reasons with her:

Ting Nu: Zi Hu isn’t a malicious demon. You shouldn’t threaten her life. Xuanji: But she kidnapped my friends. How can I spare her? [...] No. She did bad things, so I have to kill her. Ting Nu: [...] Zi Hu has never actually harmed anybody. She’s simply misguided by her anxieties. You should spare her life. […] If you discover that she’s actually committing malicious acts, you could kill her then, no?

If it were Minyan or Linglong in her position, you could bet that they'd ignore Ting Nu. For one, he's a merman, so of course he'd protect another demon. To Xuanji's credit, she really does give Zi Hu—and Ting Nu—the benefit of the doubt. Does she have to? No. But she does anyway.

If Sifeng’s love comes naturally, then Xuanji’s comes through determination. Who's to say that one is inherently better than the other? It takes ten lifetimes for her to understand a semblance of love. She wants dearly to understand what it means to "like" someone, even though she's already the least unafraid to show how much she cares about others.

After she successfully grows the heart light for Sifeng, I don't think anyone is more excited than Xuanji herself. Look how proud she is. Obviously, she's happy she can use it to protect him, but I imagine that she also views it as the clearest proof that she’s as human as anybody else and as capable of loving as anyone else. Sifeng may be stunned when the heart light disappears, but Xuanji falls despondent—she really wants Sifeng to be someone important to her.

People sometimes struggle to see past Xuanji’s initial naivety. They're especially harsh toward her for not seeing what Sifeng has sacrificed for her until it’s almost too late. It's true, the drama primarily favors Sifeng's perspective, so it's easy to only see what he’s done and ignore Xuanji’s efforts.

In spite of warnings from Sifeng himself to not do so, Xuanji emerges to save him from the third lash of the demon whip. You go, girl.

Love isn’t a competition. But for the sake of the discussion, let's say proof is needed that Xuanji’s effort in the relationship matches Sifeng’s. In that case, the important part is looking at what they sacrifice in a relative scope instead of an absolute one.

The things that Sifeng sacrifices are astronomical. He climbs a tower blustering with an eternal blizzard and puts on the Lovers' Curse mask. He stands right in the middle of the conflict between humans and demons even though there’s no way humans will spare him. He gets stabbed…a lot. But everything he does is a result of his own will and careful calculations—they’re all things he knows he can take responsibility for.

Sifeng's major flaw is that he's a massive liar. He's not right to lie, but he's also right to be scared about what would happen if he doesn't. As a demon, he knows what happens to anyone who isn't distinctly human. That's why he conceals his identity from Xuanji.

Then, once he discovers that Xuanji is also the reincarnation of the Star of Mosha, his fear is ignited again for her sake. Xuanji has almost always been defined by what she is, not who. She's berated for being useless when she doesn’t have her six senses. The moment she’s revealed to have the God of War's power, suddenly everyone finds her more than useful. If she's publicly revealed to be the Star of Mosha, then she'd be killed without question, and the person that is “Xuanji” will also cease to exist. Just as he doesn’t want Xuanji to view him and as anything other than himself, Sifeng doesn't want anyone else to view Xuanji as anyone other than herself. That's also why out of everyone, the one person he must keep the Star of Mosha secret from is Xuanji herself.

When Sifeng's lies begin to unfold, Xuanji is left to handle the mess he's inadvertently created. Suddenly discovering that he's a demon and also protective of the demon that possibly murdered her mother, Xuanji is torn. Her wavering faith in him isn't because of his identity, but because he lied to her.

Zi Hu: Do you dislike it that much, that [Sifeng] is a demon? Xuanji: Should I not? Zi Hu: Well, you healed my wounds. And you’re friends with me and Ting Nu, a merman. As for little Sifeng, he’s not a malicious demon who harms people. I don’t think he was aware of what went on with Tianxu Hall and Lize Palace. Xuanji: That’s different! He shouldn’t have lied to me. He’s the person I trust the most. But he even kept from me who he is. Then, all the things he told me and did with me in the past…what part of it all was real and what was fake? Zi Hu: What’s real and what’s fake? Can’t you just drag him over here and ask him? If he’s a scumbag, just kill him. But if there’s any misunderstandings, the two of you should clear them up. Resolve them and see what solutions there are. When two people are together, the scariest thing is misunderstanding one another for no reason. If you lose each other, that might be the end, forever. You’d regret that. 

And then she eventually does try to kill him. Good going, Zi Hu.

Xuanji's main conflict in the latter half of the drama is that she wants to find a solution that satisfies everyone, an impossible dilemma. Everyone starts pressuring her to lead the charge against the demons. It's her duty as the God of War, isn't it? Oh, but if she doesn't want to, it's because she's in love with the enemy. But she can't be in love with the enemy. She's the God of War, after all.

That’s the duplicitous world that Xuanji lives in. Yet, without knowing why he's been dishonest or what else he could be lying about, she still chooses to believe in Sifeng—even if it means being treated as a traitor herself and being further guilt-tripped. She's bound to her duty, family, and the expectations that come along with that. Going against them in any capacity is a challenge to her entire livelihood and the moral standards imposed on her. If you take that into account, suddenly the things that she risks don’t pale in comparison what Sifeng does for her.

As an omniscient audience, it's easy for us to say that she doesn't do enough, that she should know better. It's an interesting thought experiment to wonder what else she could do in such a situation. Her boyfriend lies to her. She believes he has a reason, believes in him when he tells her to trust him. She defends him repeatedly to people who don't even care to listen unless it's to interrupt and call her crazy. She lies to her father that she'll devote herself to killing demons like Sifeng so they'll stop calling her crazy and threatening her. Then, when she goes to rescue Sifeng from Mingxia Cave, he's suddenly getting passive-aggressive with her: “oh, what does the mighty God of War need from a lowly demon like me that she deigns to talk to me?” Bro…if I were her, I might just ditch him in a fit of rage. That's how you want to play? Have fun turning into frozen poultry in this cave, then.

Obviously, more is going on behind the scenes that Xuanji is completely unaware of. Sifeng almost dies from her fire magic that Hao Chen stole. The broken hairpin. And okay, I'll admit that her saying that she'll kill him while he's eavesdropping outside is not a great look. But come on, Sifeng. Where have your critical thinking skills gone? If you can lie, don’t you think Xuanji can too? And after all that, she still instinctively shields him from her father’s sword.

Sifeng. In this case, I do have to criticize you in a serious manner. Do you have any idea how hard it was for Xuanji to finally try to get herself stabbed for you, only for you to go “no, me” and get stabbed again? Do you have a sword-magnet in your chest?

Then Sifeng tells her that he’s never loved her and was only using her because he’s Luohou Jidu, the world's biggest villain. And she still can't bear to hurt him. When Xuanji discovers that Hao Chen has tricked her into using a so-called “Purifying Vase” to doom Sifeng to a painful death, she's furious:

Xuanji: For my own good? You want me to practice the Method of Love, but you also want me to be heartless. I can’t be so contradictory. Hao Chen: I told you to practice the Method of Love through feelings between you and me, not for you to continuously absorb yourself in your fixation on Sifeng! Xuanji, don’t forget. Our marriage is one determined by the heavens. It’s destiny. Xuanji: The heavens determine nothing. If they do, then why did they make Sifeng and I meet in our past nine lives? What a joke of the heavens. Hao Chen: So, you’d rather resign yourself to your doomed fate with that demon than stay properly by my side? Xuanji: Fate isn’t split into a virtuous or doomed one. I hate myself for loving Sifeng before, and we won’t ever be together again. But since I already gave him my love, I won’t take it back.

But of course, Hao Chen has more tricks up his Mary Poppins sleeves. He pulls out all the stops and uses his last breath to manipulate her into stabbing Sifeng. Oh my god. Look at all these trust issues, just making themselves readily available.

Her stabbing him is, how do you say, very bad. But let’s be honest, she’s seen him survive worse. I don't have a nifty conclusion is here, but basically, she subconsciously knows he'll get over it (physically, at least).

Of course, Sifeng is heartbroken. It's intensified by the tragic fate of his father. His father’s goal was always to protect Sifeng from the dangers posed by the racist five sects, led primarily by fabricated memories that his lover Hao Feng was driven to suicide by her own family. When Yuan Lang reveals the truth, that Hao Feng's fear of demons trumped her love for her husband, it’s intense foreshadowing of Sifeng and Xuanji’s relationship. Maybe Xuanji isn't like Hao Feng and she can cross the rift between humans and demons, meeting Sifeng in the middle. But finally, she still retreats, away from him. Her betrayal, now the tenth in all their lifetimes, leads Sifeng to leave behind some of the most truthful but hurtful words for Xuanji to deal with:

I finally understand why my fate turned out as it did in all my past nine lives. From beginning to end, you have always been a heartless person.

It’s not fair to ask Sifeng to keep considering Xuanji’s feelings under the brunt of her violent wrath. But just as she has no idea what he’s been doing to protect her, he has no idea what she’s been doing to protect him. Zi Hu is right again: nothing poses a greater danger to a couple than misunderstandings. And racism.

The ultimate resolution only occurs once Xuanji recovers the memories of their past lives. Congratulations, Sifeng. After a millennium of pining, your love has finally touched the heart of your beloved. Indeed, it might take a long time getting there, but love will find a way.

I love the short scenes that show the God of War and Xi Xuan's quiet but gentle relationship. Xi Xuan is the only one who cares that the God of War wants her own identity, then gives her a moment in which she doesn't have to wear her armor, just as Sifeng does everything in his power to let Xuanji be "Xuanji." Through all their lives, Sifeng is the one who recognizes her for who she is and wants to make her happy, even if she doesn't have a heart.

Activate: Xuanji, shameless mode. After Xuanji tracks down Sifeng in his solitude, they return to their days as teenagers. Xuanji acts like a fool in front of him, demanding his attention, and Sifeng only wants to get her the hell out of his house. It's not only a reminder of the times when things were a lot simpler, but also of how far they've come.

She intends on marrying Sifeng. Even if her father doesn't approve, she no longer cares. There's not enough time left in the world to hesitate about the people you love to satiate someone who can't be satisfied. Just as Sifeng upends his whole life for her, she's willing to do the same.

And as Sifeng is dying, Xuanji makes the ultimate decision to become the Star of Mosha. This isn't a reckless move done just to save him. Rather, her faith in Sifeng has strengthened into steel after all they've been through. Even if the world ends, she knows that a little bird with unshakable resolve will come get her. For two people who have spent most of their time as a pair of parallel lines, never to coincide, this is their point of intersection—a challenge that they'll face together, even if they're apart.

Sifeng: Xuanji, stop! I'd rather die than watch you become a devil for me! Xuanji: Sifeng, I can't consider all that now. I have to save you! Whether I be the Star of Mosha or the God of War, I don't care. I just need you to be okay. Sifeng. If I become Luohou Jidu, you absolutely can't forget me. Remember to bring me back! I cry during this scene. Then I immediately start laughing at Sifeng's gobsmacked expression once Luohou Jidu shows up. It just reads "but...my girlfriend..."

And Xuanji's right. Sifeng is the solution. No one else can save Luohou Jidu, the God of War, and the world by extension. Luohou Jidu's pain results from being betrayed purely because of his identity as a devil, but Sifeng becomes the confidante that Bai Lin pretended to be. The God of War's pain comes from having no self-identity, but Xi Xuan gives her the ability to seek one and accompanies her for a thousand years to help her find it. The suffering that Bai Lin set into motion would lead to a ceaseless cycle of revenge and a destruction of the world’s good due to its sins, but Sifeng alone convinces Luohou Jidu and the God of War that there's something in life worth keeping. But you have to fight for it, and persistently, because good things only come to those who are willing to chase after them.

Xuanji to Bai Lin: I won’t mess with someone else’s life so simply due to my own matters, even if that person is someone as despicable as you. Sifeng once said that using hate to obtain vengeance is an endless cycle. In this life, I already have something that matters more to me than that. I have no space to keep my hatred.

I know it can sound cheesy to say that the best revenge is living a happy life. But Love and Redemption can convert even the most insistent of cynics—me, for example. People will practice evil whether or not there’s a reason for it and whether or not those consequences will ripple out into a tsunami that will engulf the world. Only true, honest love can hope to settle the uneasy sea. It’s why Zi Hu gives Wu Zhiqi something to live for other than war. It’s why Linglong and Minyan have a reason to persist alongside one another. It's why Luohou Jidu gives his heart and life to Sifeng. It’s why Sifeng is able to save Xuanji. It's why the three realms are blessed with the chance to keep finding a reason to persist.

Sifeng and Xuanji’s story is a journey of overcoming all odds; of learning to love someone unconditionally not because it’s easy, but because you want to; of letting that love grow into a ray of hope in the world. Yes, if we let it, love wins all.

Sifeng: Your heart has become one of flesh and blood. It couldn’t bear to destroy the three realms. Because…it’s a heart that I held and warmed in my hands, bit by bit.

[buttered-milky]

So how does Messmer's story interact with a theme of autonomy?

OMG FUCKING FLAPPING MY HANDS SO HARD AT THIS ASK GLAD YOU FUCKING ASKED ANON 💞✨💞✨💞✨

Okay, sorry it took me one grillion years to get this posted, but it is basically an essay and I also have Many Life Events that prevent me from getting a chance to sit down and write. I have many thoughts. I will put them under a read more.

When I say Messmer’s story is about autonomy, I mean this specifically in relation to disability.

To me, the base serpent functions as an allegory for some sort of disability. We know the base serpent feeds on Messmer’s flame—this is his curse, to have this eldritch thing gnawing at his soul.

Now how is the base serpent treated by those around Messmer? And how does it affect his life? (Answer: negatively)

Let’s start with how the serpent itself functions as an independent agent. For a moment please forget what I said about it being a disability metaphor—it still is but that’s a mystery mouskatool for later. Right now we’re gonna talk about it as a living entity of its own.

As I pointed out, the serpent feeds on Messmer’s flame, and this harm and how intertwined it has become with Messmer’s existence limits Messmer. It has affected his view of himself to the point it limits his choices in life. How to present himself—with or without flame? He associates his flame with the serpent. How to fight—with or without the serpent’s power? It doesn’t seem to hurt him to use the serpent, but it does make others uncomfortable.

The harm itself of the serpent using Messmer as a food source is also a very basic imposition on Messmer’s autonomy. Of course he doesn’t want an eldritch snake gnawing at him like a chew toy, but the serpent is not going to leave him alone. It does not give him his own space and freedom.

Messmer tries to remove his flame not because the flame itself is a curse, but because it attracts something which is. That’s deeply fucking sad. He’s trying to remove parts of himself—to change himself fundamentally—just to get basic freedom and autonomy.

Now let’s also look at how others see the base serpent. For example, Marika.

Listen. She tried her best with him but I do wonder when the grace seal happened. It seems (to me at least, though we have no confirmed timeline) to have been done early in his life given the language used to describe the serpent. This was urgent. Marika was very worried about this wicked serpent and what it was doing to her son! This is important, by the way—that she does these things out of love.

Marika is also, however, deeply concerned with her own ideals. For example, light, the source of her own grace and of Messmer’s power. Messmer seems to scorn those “devoid of light” as he puts it. Darkness in itself is a curse under the Golden Order. Perhaps she wants to save the flame within Messmer for this reason, although there is definitely the motivation of that is her son.

The dual motivations, to both protect someone and to enforce our ideals of what is “best” is what hurts so many disabled folks. Sometimes “normal” is not attainable—and it doesn’t have to be! What disabled people find normal or doable or comfortable is fine, and they should have the agency to say so. That’s where I see autonomy really coming into Messmer’s story as an important motif.

Messmer is unfortunately born into a society that, at least to Marika, seems prejudiced against the strange. He is born into a world that would hate him for having the base serpent (though that is no fault of his own). And instead of trying to change this faulty thinking in others, Marika changes her son.

Her healing is…a mixed bag. The blessings Marika makes for her son seem alright. That’s non-invasive medicine, and it’s not like she’s forcing these down Messmer’s throat. But the grace seal is more iffy. Like I said, I’m not sure how I feel about the grace seal and whether that’s really accommodation. It does send a certain message that, uh, a core part of Messmer deserves to be locked away for eternity, which is not healthy for anyone to hear.

But I can understand why Marika did it, too. She thinks she is healing/accommodating her son and making life livable. And maybe she is! The base serpent we see in the second phase of the fight looks painful. But that is also a manifestation of something that has been repressed for centuries and is boiling over.

I wanna know what the base serpent was like when he was born! Was it truly “wicked?” Did it want to hurt others, or just go after Messmer’s flame? Both? Was the base serpent just something Marika was uncomfortable with, because it took light from her son? How necessary is that light? I wanna know how necessary the grace seal was!

We know Marika had Messmer after her apotheosis—he is a demigod, after all. So at this point she is already being affected by the Greater Will and ideals that will become the Golden Order. I do think Messmer of all her children probably had the least of this Order forced upon him, but that isn’t to say he had none. He was in the Lands Between at some point, based on the fire giants and Impaler’s Catacombs. He did have to conform to some degree to be accepted.

He definitely had to conform to be accepted in Leyndell. People in the Shadow Lands may be accepting—we see Hornsent and no one gives a damn—but the Misbegotten and Omen in the Lands Between (who look a lot like hornsent, mind you)? Treated like absolute shit, because of the Order. There is no way Messmer was escaping such treatment, no matter if he was a demigod.

The grace seal could be accommodation, but it is also a manifestation of Marika’s and the Order’s ideals and the pressure to conform—to give up autonomy for safety (which is really no choice at all).

Above all, what Marika and/or Messmer do to “heal” him does nothing to fix societal prejudice. Nothing here fights for autonomy or freedom. Not the blessings, not the seal—I mean it’s a fucking seal, a lock.

And it only hides the base serpent, instead of actually fighting it, which in the end leads to destruction.

It is not necessarily a kindness to try to treat or cure a disability if you are not also working to undo the prejudice against said disability and provide accommodations. It is not necessarily a kindness to try to cure a disability which doesn’t need curing. And it is no kindness to demand disability be swept under the rug because it is not palatable enough to you.

This is where we see loss of autonomy.

Messmer is such a walking tragedy. He’s just doomed from the start. Marika is trying, but she’s not fixing the world, just continuing its cycles of violence. And even if she didn’t give him the seal, the base serpent would’ve been spurned.

As a last aside/point, I wanna discuss how Messmer deals with his own situation as a disabled person (and more generally a minority class) because it reflects something in the real world.

Messmer accepts the verdict that part of himself should be hidden, and that being what he is is bad, and he goes on to further this notion. He destroys the people his mother wants him to destroy. He commits genocide for many reasons, but one of them is because it guarantees a scrap of power under the Order. He preserves the status quo instead of fighting against it, and he tries to be “one of the good ones” to save himself as much as he can within a system that hates him.

He is someone who is not good enough for the order, and he is lightless, but at least he is denying himself to try to be like the oppressors.

Which gets you nowhere by the way. Being one of the good ones is never enough, and it will destroy you in the end.

[endmerit]

I've been thinking a lot recently about what the different narrative themes of Final Fantasy XIV's expansions are.

While the base-game of A Realm Reborn has a story where a lot of rebuilding is happening (which is also appropriate considering the game's out-of-universe situation back then), I still wouldn't say that it has a strong narrative theme of rebuilding... but at the same time, beyond just establishing the world and the story's antagonistic forces and putting all the wheels in motion, I guess the theme of rebuilding and "By striving to help people around us and to unite with our neighbors we can not only stand against bigger common foes, but also improve all of our own day-to-day lives." is the strongest thing it has going for it. Striving to improve society somewhat can improve society somewhat.

For Heavensward, while there is that on-point Tweet of "Church sucks because they won't let you fuck dragons!", and while someone with a cynical and dry sense of wit could go with "Christianity has always been and still is oppressive, destructive and outright evil to everyone both within its system and outside it, and we should kill the Pope.", I think the healthier themes to take are along the lines of "Cycle of revenge will at best lead to mutual destruction, but definitely to your own one at the least.", and "Power either corrupts leaders who cling to it, which leads to further destruction, or they manage to stay humble enough to allow younger generations to build bridges and settle old grudges." ...but to be fair, both sides of Heavensward's conflict have such outlandishly evil leaders that simply killing just both of them does most of the heavy lifting of ending a literal 1000-year conflict, so you know.

Stormblood, I think, has easier theme to pin: It's about generational trauma caused by war and its aftermath. Stormblood's story takes place in 2 different nations that have been conquered only about 20 years ago, which means that while the older generations still remember the days of freedom and have understandable reason to hate the oppressing foreign regime, there's already a full generation of children and young adults who have grown up knowing only this rule and trying to make the most of their lives under it. This then starts the spiral of old guard hating the youth for "betraying their nation and families" and young generation growing hateful towards the old guard because of it and further siding with the oppressing regime. This premise takes Realm Reborn's and Heavensward's constant background-theme of "United we stand" and writes itself as far to the other direction as the writers can take it with "When a nation turns against itself, and its generations against each other, it is doomed to fall to its enemies." It's a heavy expansion full of people who hate each other and their lot in life and even now, years down the line, it's still feel-bad to think about.

Shadowbringers, while mine and many others' favourite expansion, I had to think a lot what the main theme to take actually was. On a more surface-level the story dares to ask questions like "What if angels were actually zombies?", "Even if it seems hopeless from the get-go, you should always try to settle your differences with talking first." and "How many millions of people is it okay to murder if the reward is a return to 'The Good Old Days'?" ...but at the end of the day I think the key-word of the expansion is Legacy. Something along the lines of "You can't fully grasp how important and loved you are to the people you have touched in your life with your every seemingly small kindness, and how far they would go in a heartbeat to save you, just like you have already saved them." ...told from couple of very different directions.

Endwalker then has the unenviable challenges of not only holding a candle to the previous expansion, but altogether wrapping up the "Main" plot that's been built up for almost a decade, while still having its own thing to say... and it comes in swinging AND sticks the landing by first asking an all-too-relatable question of "Does anyone know where to find any happiness and reason to live? Every day I look for them but all I find is more despair and suffering everywhere." and then giving its own answer of "It's the little things that make life worth living. Find your strength and source of hope against world's daily despairs from the friends around you, because if you shut yourself off from everyone, you can't expect others to care about you either." Additionally, especially the theme of "Try to trust in others enough to both offer AND accept help when it's needed." plays a heavy part in the patch-story, but the main takeaway is that Endwalker's theme is a bit more complicated than simply "Get rid of Twitter, your life will improve."

Which brings us to where we are now, still close enough after Dawntrail's release that I'll do the compromised courtesy of trying to keep details vague instead of outright spoiling them. I don't think it's a controversial opinion that the first and second half of the 7.0 story felt quite separated from each other, and it took me a long time to think about this expansion's connecting theme, but ultimately I think the story has 3 different takes to the theme of "You have to let go." First take of that theme comes from Wuk Lamat's journey in the first half, and how in every new location she (and other groups involved) visit and people they meet, she is further taught that "In order to live in peace with all the communities and cultures around you, you cannot be unreasonably rigid in doing things exactly your way, ignoring the lives and opinions of people around you just because you think you know better. You have to have some flexibility." In the second half, then, the theme is expanded upon via 2 other authority-figures, first of whom does the exact opposite of what Wuk Lamat learned in the first half and DOES ignore everyone around him, "Fighting only for myself", failing to learn and acknowledge that "From the day you were born, no matter who your family is, you had no need to prove your right to exist. Only you can let go of that idea if you feel like you do, no-one can do it for you." ...and then, while the 3rd person also has the Shadowbringers' theme of "Try and reach a solution with talking, even if it seems hopeless at first" going on, they also carry the most straight-forward version of the main theme with them, that being "You have to accept that all living things will eventually die, you cannot keep paying higher and higher price of never accepting it."

...that said though, what with all the magic and magical technology and everything else already established in the game's setting, the last stretch of the main expansion's story does muddle that last theme a bit with reasonable questions like "Really, we decided to solve the problem like that!? Couldn't we really have been able to improve upon the old existing solution to keep paying that higher and higher price??" which... would then have no doubt started a very different, also very questionable for different reasons, moral path. Regardless, I think there's currently something of a divide with the themes and in-universe realities in the game's story which, I have to assume, will be expanded upon in the upcoming patch-stories.

[jimblejamblewritings]

Our Violent Delights Will Not Have Violent Ends: The Twilight Saga Rewrite (Book 1, Twilight) | Part 2.

Summary: Y/N Swan is just like every other girl and she likes it that way. Normal is fantastic. Normal creates a functioning member of society. Normal is the reason she moved to a small town to live with her police officer father... only to find out that she gets the farthest thing from what she wanted. This is a re-write of Twilight.

Warnings for the Series: light violence, light angst, light smut

Warnings for the Chapter: none

Pairing: Edward Cullen x reader, Jacob Black x reader

Word Count: 3.4k

The entirety of the lunch period, you couldn’t find the stomach to eat much. Your bowl of tomato soup only had a few spoonfuls taken out of it. But all the saltine crackers were gone. You had gone over and over in your head what you would say to Edward. Now that he was here, you couldn’t remember anything. You had never been in a real confrontation anymore. You took a glance at his table again. 

He looked different than before. Not terribly different, but enough that you noticed. His skin looked less pale and less stretched over his skeleton. The dark circles underneath his eyes aren’t there anymore either. Now, you could see why people said he looked perfect. 

The bell rang and you silently cursed. You couldn’t have been given more time? Reluctantly, you went with Eric and Mike to your biology class. Eric and you looked over when Mike started frantically digging in his backpack. 

“Ah, shit. Hey, tell Mr. Donoghue that I left my textbook in my car and I’m going to get it.” 

“Okay.” 

Mike ran as fast as possible while the two of you continued going to class. Eric sighed before turning to face you as you stood right in front of the doorway to bio class. 

“Hey, so, about prom, I’m the one in charge of communicating with the dj. I’ve lived my whole life here so I know my music choice sucks so I’m gonna need your playlist.” 

“Okay, when?” you asked as you pulled out yout phone to jot down that note. 

“As long as it’s before the month ends, that’s cool. And then dates…  I was wondering do you think Ang—” 

“How you liking the rain, Arizona?” Mike shook out his baseball cap that got soaked in the rain from the run to his car. 

“Guys! Class is about to start. Please take your seats,” Mr. Donoghue cut off whatever Eric was trying to say. If it was important, he’d get back to you later. 

Unfortunately, his lab partner and your lab partner were back so you had to sit with Edward Cullen. There was a slight smile on his face as you walked towards your lab bench. Before you got a chance to say the prepared speech, he spoke. 

“Hello. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself the other day. I’m Edward Cullen.” His voice was smooth like coffee and somewhat low in its sound. “You’re Y/F/N Swan, right?”  

“Y/N.” 

You didn’t give him a chance to say anything else, turning your head to listen to Mr. Donoghue’s lesson. He must have been in cahoots with the universe because his assignment was partner work. The prize? A golden onion that has no value until he comes up with what it stands for. At least only one person could look through the microscope at a time. Edward pushed the device towards you. 

“Ladies, first.” 

“Why were you gone?” You looked in the microscope. “And it better be a good answer too… It’s prophase.” 

“Mind if I check?...Yeah, I was out of town for a couple days. It’s prophase.” 

“Like I said and the empty chair next to me told me that much.” 

“Personal reasons.” 

“Do personal reasons involve rude interactions?” 

“Uh, no. I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t the best day for me before you showed up to class.”  

“Apology accepted, I guess.” 

“So are you enjoying the rain?... What?”

You tried to stop laughing. “You’re asking me about the weather?” 

“Yeah, I guess I am.” 

“Well, no, not really. I’m not really a fan of any cold or wet place.” 

Edward chuckled as he checked another slide. 

“What?” 

“Nothing.” He shook his head. “It’s anaphase.” 

“Mind if I check… Anaphase.” 

“Like I said,” he joked. “If you don’t like the rain then why did you move to the wettest place in the continental United States?” 

“Baseball.” 

“Baseball? It’s also anaphase. Do you want to check it?” 

“No, I believe you.” 

Edward listened intently as you retold your story to yet another person about why you were in Forks, asking questions when necessary. You guys continued to do your work and talk. He carried the golden onion prize as he escorted you to your locker. 

“Why didn’t you move with your mother and Phil?” 

“Moving once means moving again. Phil could get a second contract next year and we’d be in California or Maine or some stupid place like Delaware.” 

“But now you’re unhappy staying here?” 

“It’s complicated.” 

Edward paused. “I’m sorry, I’m asking too much. I’m just trying to figure you out. You’re very difficult for me to read.” 

“Well, asking questions like a normal human bei— hey, did you get contacts?” 

“No.” 

“I swear your eyes were black last time I saw you, now it’s like a golden brown color.” 

“Uh, no. It’s the fluorescents.” 

He walked away before you could say anything else. You didn’t see Edward until school ended and you went to your truck. He and his siblings seemed to be looking directly at you but you thought you were just being paranoid. You turned back around to dig through your bag for your keys. The screeching of tires caught your attention but it was too late. Tyler’s van was barrelling towards you and your feet couldn’t seem to move. 

Now was not the time to find out that your flight or fight response was the dreaded third option of freeze. You could see Edward, four cars away, staring at you in horror. His mouth dropped open. The same as all the other faces that were about to witness your death. Almost everything moved in slow motion.

The hunk of blue metal slid towards you, you felt something grab your waist, you were pulled down to the ground, and a pale hand was on the van that wasn’t hitting you. You stared at the dent in the metal caused by the hand before turning your head to make eye contact with Edward. 

He stared at you for a moment before letting go of you and running away. You were suddenly surrounded by people asking if you were alright. None of them seemed to have noticed Edward wasn’t there. The next thing you knew, you blacked out. 

The lights of the hospital were blinding when you finally came to your senses. The door opened with a vengeance and in strolled your very anxious father. He wouldn’t calm down no matter how much you tried to speak with him, threatening Tyler’s license and everything. It’s not like it was his fault his tires skidded on ice. You mouthed an apology before shutting the small curtain that divided the two hospital beds. 

“Dad, Dad I’m fine. Okay? I was lucky that Edward was there, no injuries.” 

“Edward?” Charlie turns to Dr. Cullen. “Your boy?” 

You cut in before the doctor could even get the chance to say anything. It seemed like he was going to lie. 

“Yeah, he got to me so quickly.” 

Dr. Cullen gave you a tight smile. “It sounds like you were very lucky. You just need to sign some paperwork, Charlie, and then you are good to go.” 

After Charlie signed the paperwork, he went to warm up the car before we had to drive to the school to get my car and then drive home. You turned the corner to one of the vending machines when you stopped after seeing Carlisle, Edward, and Rosalie talking with each other. It didn’t seem like a friendly conversation either. They were definitely arguing. As if they could hear you just breather, the three of them turned towards you. 

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” you asked. 

Edward looked reluctantly as he made his way towards you. “What?” 

“How did you get over to me so quickly?” 

“Y/N, what are you talking about? I was standing right next to you.” 

“No, you weren’t. Don’t try to lie through this either. You were across the parking lot. I know what I saw.” 

“And what was that?” 

“You stopped the van with your hand.” 

Edward’s somewhat amused face turned cold. “Well no one is going to believe you anyway. Can’t you just thank me and we just drop it?” 

“Thank you.” 

“You aren’t going to let this go, are you?” 

“Not at all,” I tell him, determined. 

“Well, I hope you enjoy disappointment.” 

You went home that night with more questions than answers and the oddly sneaking suspicion that someone was watching you. You went to the bathroom and took your shower while thinking about how Edward stopped the van. So far, you had no concrete answers. You went to bed without any answers as well. Although you did wake up in the middle of night after having a strange dream about Edward. 

You tried to not think about that as you went to school the next day. The buses were already up front when you parked, ready for the field trip that you were positive wasn’t going to be very fun. Edward and his siblings, Alice and Jasper, walked past you. Mike popped up in front of you. 

“Hey, you’re alive, Arizona!” 

“You need more than a van to take me down.” 

The two of you laugh as you hi-fived. 

“So I was wondering, are you going to prom?” 

“Um, I don’t know yet. Charlie said I get two free no questions asked days if I go but me and dancing… it’s not pretty.” 

“Well, do you know if Jess is going?” 

“Mike!” you gasped. “Are you trying to ask Jessica out?” 

“Lower your voice, please. Okay, I may have had a small crush on her since we were seven and I am choosing to ask out my very good friend to prom.” 

“She’s going. I’m going dress shopping with her and Ang next weekend.” 

“Okay. Okay, cool.” Mike walked off before coming right back. “Do you think she likes me?” 

“Most definitely.” 

“Sweet. Thanks, Y/N/N. You’re the best.” 

He got on one of the buses while you got on the other. Tyler sat next to you, plugging your headphones into the jack on his phone. You nodded along to Blue October’s “Hate Me” as it played. The two of you didn’t talk at all but stared out the window like you were in a music video and listened to music until you reached your destination. 

The greenhouse was… interesting. That was the nicest way you could put it. Maybe it would have been nicer if you all weren’t cramped in the small walkway between the plants. Mr. Molina and Mr. Donoghue were trying their hardest to get people to water the plants or give them soil. 

“Now, I’m gonna make a steaming cup of compost tea.” 

He handed it to Eric. You laughed as you heard a very panicked yell. 

“No! Don’t drink it! It’s for the plants.” 

“What’s a no questions asked day?” a deep voice behind you asked. 

You nearly jumped out of your skin. Turning around, you saw the classic peacoat and never out of place hair of Edward Cullen. When had he even come up behind you? 

“You know you’re not helping your case. How’d you even hear that?” 

“You didn’t answer my question.” 

“Dude, you never answer any of mine. You don’t even say hi.”

“Hi.” 

“Please try to act less like a human. Are you gonna tell me anything? Preferably about the other day.”  

“Yeah. I had an adrenaline rush,” he said clinically. “It’s very common. You can Google it.” 

You paused and looked at him. “You’re a terrible liar. And a no question day is when I tell Charlie I need to do something or go somewhere and he asks no questions. It’s a mutual trust betwe—” 

You tripped but felt air and two cold hands grab you instead of feeling your face kiss pavement. 

“Careful,” Edward said as he set you upright again. 

“Thanks. So are you going to answer any of my other questions?” 

“Um. Ma—” 

“Y/N/N!” Jess stepped in between you two. “Guess who just asked me to prom?” 

Edward took the opportunity to slip away. 

“Who?” you feigned ignorance. 

“Mike! I’ve been hoping since forever but like he actually asked me.” 

You and Jess talked the entire way out of the greenhouse and onto the buses, forgetting about Edward and wanting to ask him more questions until it was too late. You weren’t going to think about him for the rest of the day. You had a father-daughter/mother-son date with Charlie, Jacob’s mom, and Jacob. Which meant going to a restaurant because both Charlie and Sarah worked long hours and weren’t going to cook. And Billy was doing his physical therapy for walking so there was no way anyone would force him to cook. 

You went to pick up Jacob at his school while his mom picked up Charlie from the station. He was still inside when you reached the school. It felt stupid signing the visitors clipboard when the school day was already over but you did it anyway just in case. When you made it to a hangout area for students you spotted Jake with his friends. 

You’d like to say they were your friends too but you never got very close with them over the summer. Embry usually went somewhere with his mom, Quil’s grandfather kept inside most of the time, and Seth had sports.

And their acquaintances you knew even less. Paul and Jared were always one grade level above you all and hung out with themselves. Sam didn’t seem to like any of you despite being only a couple years older than you and having even a smaller age gap with Paul. And Leah didn’t come around because either her loser younger brother was there or Sam was there which sucked because you wanted another girl around. 

“Hey, Y/N,” Embry said as you turned the corner. 

“Hi, guys. Jake, you ready?”  

“Yeah. See you guys later.” 

He nodded at his friends before getting up to stand next to you. Your fingers twitched as he intertwined them with his own. He rolled his eyes at the wolf whistles from his friends, laughing when you threw up a middle finger while the two of you walked away. 

“So where are we going?” you asked. 

“Who picked last summer?” 

“Charlie.” 

“Oh, nice, so it’s my turn.” Jacob looked something up on his phone. “Smuggler’s Bar and Grill, sound good? It’s in Port Angeles though.” 

You shrugged. “Eh, I’ve already finished all my homework and Charlie doesn’t go back to work until the graveyard shift. Go ahead and text them our choice.” 

Your truck pulled out of the school parking lot and headed towards the highway. Jacob fiddled with the radio for at least one decent station while you drove the hour it took just to get to Port Angeles. Honestly, you didn’t mind the time. The drive, surrounded by trees, was comforting. Especially with your best friend. 

If you and Jake weren’t singing to songs, you were gossiping about school. There was no need to catch up on anything else. Jake was one of the few people you texted nearly everyday despite being so far away most of the year — including the fact that he had a secret girlfriend for three years. Whenever he wanted to get her a present, he would text you what it was and would pretend he was sending it to you so Billy and Sarah wouldn’t get suspicious. It worked. They didn’t find out even after the two broke up. 

You guys pulled into the restaurant and waited for your parents to show up. Like you predicted, Sarah already analyzed the entire menu and knew what she wanted to order. Jake held up his phone. 

“They said they’re twenty minutes away and the food takes that long to prepare so order for them.” 

“I’m surprised she got Charlie to pick something ahead of time.” 

The two of you went in and got a table like they said. The host smiled a bit too sweetly as they called over a waiter. You and Jacob looked at each other and came to the same conclusion at the same time, silently gagging. There was no way they thought that you guys were on a date. Absolutely not. Was it because you were holding hands? The two of you pulled apart but the damage was already done. 

The waiter sat you down at what you could tell was the restaurant’s nicest booth by the best window that would let you look out onto the water. He handed you the menus and left to give you alone time to think. 

“Just gross, no offense,” you said. 

Jacob shrugged. “None taken. I would never date you, you’re, like, my friend.” 

“Same. Too weird… Do you think they’ll give us free dessert if we are though?” 

“Do you want to play it up?” 

“Absolutely.” 

Jacob gave you a smile you had never seen before but assumed he must have given to his girlfriend. He laid his hand across the table for you to grab. You took it with no problem — Jake’s hands were always warm and still a bit soft since he wore gloves when he worked on cars and bikes. His thumb stroked the back of your hand and he set the menu down to look at you. Almost like magic, or like they’ve been secretly watching, the wait staff came over. 

“Are you two ready to order?” he asked as he set down two glasses of water. 

“Ladies first,” Jake let go of your hand, ready to scoop up your menu when you finished speaking. 

“Um, does the shrimp scampi have a smell?” you asked in fake concern, hoping the waiter would catch on to teen angst of potential bad breath before a first kiss. 

“Oh, no, I got you, honey.” He had a noticeable southern accent. “What do you want to drink?” 

“Iced Tea, please. Oh, and a Caesar salad with ranch dressing.” 

“Got it. And for the young sir?”

“I’ll take the Not Your Mother’s Mac and Cheese along with a lemonade. Oh, and our parents are chaperoning but they’re a little late. Can we get them one clam chowder and one Hawaiian chicken sandwich both with Ruby tonics? What is a ruby tonic?” 

“Oh, I’m so glad you kids are too young to know what it is. Your food will be ready in a minute.” 

He took the menus and walked away. You could hear him gossip to the rest of the staff about chaperones. Jacob grabbed your hand again, giving it a peck. 

“You know he’s totally gonna bring you breath mints. Did you really ask if the shrimp would smell?” 

“Hey, I had to sell it. What brand do you think it’ll be?” 

Jake kissed your hand again. “Lifesavers. They scream not obvious for teenagers asking.” 

“You say this from experience?” 

“Ehh with Elle a couple of times.” 

“Really? I can’t believe you had your first kiss and girlfriend and I couldn’t even get a date for homecoming. You’re still a virgin right?” 

“Yes. I am still a loser virgin.” 

“Hey, I’m a virgin.” 

“Well then in that case virginity rocks.” 

You and Jacob cheered and clinked glasses before laughing when you were unable to hold it anymore. He moved over to your side since the two of you would have to be sitting together anyway once Charlie and Sarah showed up. He took the opportunity to sling his arm around you while you snuggled up to him. The two of you could clearly hear awes. 

“If we actually get free dessert,” Jacob whispered. “We need to do this more often.”  

Your parents came in exactly when the food came out. They looked at the two of you weirdly as you awkwardly broke apart. You shook your head before Charlie could say anything. They went with it like you had asked.  Your parents could do absolutely nothing but shake their heads and smile as the waiter brought out free cinnamon rolls in to-go boxes for not just you and Jacob but for the “chaperones” as well. 

You guys left a generous tip, cleaned up the table, and left the restaurant. You and Jacob clinked the to-go boxes together. 

“Here’s to fake boyfriends.” 

“Here’s to fake girlfriends.”

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[susandsnell]

You watched Joker 2: How the Joker got his Groove Back? Do tell, because I’m not watching it lmaooooo

hi maggie i love u. so i was having a progressive mental breakdown trying to write this the last few days and today, I slipped forwards and fell backwards walking to the restroom from my own kitchen and fell onto my back and smacked my head on the floor really loudly (i'm okay for now dw), and i think the slapstick is a sign to answer this question, while subsequent looney tunes esque possible injuries an appropriate tone for this shitshow. I also think the fall damaged my brain less than this movie did, but I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment when it comes to viewing experiences. let's go.

as a consummate disliker of the first film, my expectations were low, but holy fuck. i was pleased in the schadenfreude sense when we first got the announcement that the premise for the sequel was a musical with Lady Gaga as Harley with how alienating to the fanbase of the first this was, and when trailers emerged I was prematurely annoyed but cautiously optimistic for at least some good musical numbers and maybe some creative imagery.

well. this movie rips off The Room.

spoilers below the cut, trigger warning for mentioned but not graphically discussed police brutality/prison violence (physical + sexual), ableism, misogyny.

gott im himmel, what is there even to say.

so the opening is - actually good. having the rights to warner brothers, they open with the merrie melodies theme with Joker's face popping into frame and an old-school animated recap of the talkshow sequence from the first flick, which was actually a great idea...until the whole premise of the cartoon, and later, the legal defense, ends up being that either the Joker takes on a life of his own outside of Arthur or, as the defense will later posit, the Joker is a DID alter. This is not handled well, at all.

the movie is basically an ugly, dingy, confused, feverish bottle episode that makes me retroactively appreciate the first more for its pretty exciting third act and grounded Gotham City; our locations are a very very boring Arkham , and the courtroom drama as Arthur Fleck is brought to justice for his actions in the first movie. While incarcerated, he has both haters and fans in the prison population, including a young fanboy who is dared by the guards to kiss him, and who he kisses tenderly on the mouth early on, because quoth Todd Phillips, "the Joker is bisexual and stuff." diversity win!!!! this will matter later.

after several unhappy renditions of When The Saints Go Marching In, Arthur meets Harleen Quinzel, mercifully nicknamed 'Lee' in this version so we can easily dissociate her from our favourite harlequin. He finds her at Arkham Asylum glee club rehearsal, which is apparently a thing, and immediately put me in mind of Bialystock and Bloom putting on Prisoners of Love in Sing Sing, and she eagerly tells him she's a huge fan of the Joker as an abused child of poverty herself, and that she avidly watched the TV movie made about his exploits, which was fantastic. (This TV movie will come back later. It's possibly further self-flagellation on the part of Todd Phillips, which is amusing.)

anyway, the choir practice meet cute is important because it flimsily sets up the rest of the film being a musical. because he loves Lee, and she sings music, and therefore if Lee = an escape for Arthur, music is an escape for Arthur too! much thoughts! society. they also watch some old hollywood musicals together on their arkham dates. I don't know.

so regarding the musical numbers. the worst part is that they didn't let gaga sing properly in the movie??? like they made her and phoenix sing badly on purpose as ~character choices~ because it ~fits the characters~ and half the fantastic-looking performances from the leaks a few months ago were cut because musical movies are cockshy now about committing to the medium. instead we get bored white woman dancing from everyone, except for two good numbers, and breathy, off-key and off-rhythm jukebox renditions of everything from Sweet Charity to The Carpenters. a good 40% of the songs are arthur being questioned or something and just bursting into it while everyone looks bewildered, with only a handful of fantasy sequences, when the easiest thing to do given the courtroom drama setup would've been to just rip off Chicago and call it a day, would've been unoriginal but cogent, but instead we're treated to endless tedium and talented singers performing poorly. is there a way to blame this all on tom hooper? because i feel like this is all somehow tom hooper's fault.

this one will really piss you off - Harvey Dent is there and they did him filthy! he's prosecuting the case against Arthur Fleck, and they made him a smirky little twink and did fuck all with him except 'punchable on purpose' because he's The Man and The Man is keeping poor trod-upon Arthur Fleck down. but The Man pales in comparison to the true villain of this movie - women!!!!!

despite trying to deconstruct the incel following and give a middle finger to a lot of the nerdbros who wrongfully worshipped the first one, this movie is somehow a lot more overtly sexist than the first? every woman in this movie is Wronging arthur. his lawyer is an older woman who's going for the insanity defense with completely misrepresented DID (i'll cut her slack in that it's set in the 80s) but is apparently framed as condescending/exploiting his tragedy publicly when like, literally what is she supposed to do to try and get him acquitted for his crimes in the first movie, and it's not like she's trying to get famous for it (or is she? didn't come off from what I saw). she's genuinely being as empathetic as possible and still presented as condescending, and arthur fires her to self-represent in court -- dressed as the joker. more details about penny fleck being much more abusive than shown from the first movie are revisited to...i guess justify her murder more? zazie beetz is back as sophie to prove he didn't kill her but she's framed as deeply unsympathetic for believing arthur's abuser, penny, over him bc apparently she talked shit to the neighbours, when sophie has like, every reason to be afraid of this guy who was talking to her young child and broke into her apartment under the delusion they were together and then later that night going on a killing spree. and then her role in the story got added to the tv movie (which she reveals, to arthur's heartbreak, sucks) but the movie frames her as this judgmental ableist heartless meanie because she's not empathetic to the man who traumatized her and endangered her daughter.

this is juxtaposed to gary, arthur's clown temp agency coworker from the first film who he spared because of his kindness, who gets another one of the only good scenes in the film as he recounts how deeply witnessing arthur's murders broke him -- a sympathy not afforded to that stuck-up witch sophie. shoutout to leigh gill, it's the film's best and powerful performance....undercut by joaquin making the Choice that the joker, self-representing and cross-examining a witness, would spend a solid 20 minutes doing a Humble Southern Lawyer I do Declare bit that had me cringing out of my skin.

and then, of course, there's Lee. so basically they went the telltale batman route where it's subverted of the classic mad love dynamic -- she's the one playing him, but they did it worse because todd phillips doesn't really grasp like, character beyond Bad Things Happening Make People Do Bad Things and also Women Aren't People, so her sob story is false, her parents are rich and alive and she's a psychiatry Ph.D who voluntarily committed to arkham out of parasocial obsession with The Joker. this would be cool in the women's wrongs way if and i mean IF she had any coherent reason beyond "crazy bitches" and being a groupie of who he became on the talkshow.

and then for some reason the movie decides to wholesale lift plot points from The Room. Lee is allowed to see Arthur after one of his many drawn-out gratuitous beating scenes at the hands of Brendon Gleeson's Arkham guard Jackie Sullivan (kind of a Lyle Bolton type), whereupon she puts his clown makeup on and fucks him as the Joker, as you do. when she's 'released' (really, she leaves), she sees him in visitation to tell him she's pregnant with a little baby clown, which motivates him through the rest of the trial. it's of course clear and later revealed that she lied about the pregnancy. since the film is not interested in giving Lee any real motives beyond Crazy Flaky Bitches Am I Right (her transformation into Harley is never named and consists of clown cosplays worn to court), it's never really clear why she faked the pregnancy, which made me immediately think less of Roxie Hart and more Lisa from The Room saying "To make things interesting". like she already had him on the hook from what it seems, there didn't need to be a fake clown baby!!!!

if you've made it this far, here's where it goes from bad to "oh fuck off". please mind the trigger warnings I listed above.

after going on society rant part 2582342572473423995324324932592394293, Arthur shittalks the Arkham guards on TV. this results in Jackie et al not only beating him but -- non-graphically, but it is completely clear before and after the scene this was the intent -- SA'ing him. After which they murder an inmate sympathetic to Arthur for singing to him. none of this is engaged with meaningfully, none of this is textually addressed, none of this has any real narrative weight beyond Arthur being "broken" during his trial and flubbing the case, renouncing being the Joker. I don't have to say how unbelievably offensive just throwing this shit in is and handling it with about as much care as can be expected from the director of Hangover 2.

so Arthur flubs the case and Lee, along with the rest of his fanbase, storm out of the courthouse, disappointed, much in the way audiences are doing in theatres. but the stans camped outside the courthouse pull a Matt Reeves Riddler and plant carbombs around the perimeter, killing everyone in the jury, burning Harvey Dent's face (DO YOU GET IT???) and two cosplayer juggalos rescue Arthur and they drive off echoing the cop car scene in the first movie. but Arthur doesn't want to be the Joker anymore! he escapes the car and returns to the Joker steps, which the film has already returned to in fantasy lke 10 times. He finds Harley - Lee there, and she tells him coolly that she’s really disappointed he’s not the joker because she loves the joker and not Arthur. She does half a musical number while he begs her to stop singing which made me LOL because shrek and then the cops show up and arrest him and not her.

when we next see Arthur, he's in Arkham awaiting the electric chair. He gets called to go see a visitor and walks alone down a hall, somehow unsupervised on the way to visitation. That young, twinky inmate that kissed Arthur earlier in the movie and senpais him runs up and begs Arthur to let him tell him a joke. And it’s this longwinded bit of incoherence about a “psychopath and a killer clown who let him down walk in the bar, and the psychopath says what can I get you” but the punchline is, of course, “you get what you fucking deserve” and the fanboy shivs him in the gut repeatedly. It cuts to a dying fantasy of a parody sonny and Cher show with joker and Harley singing and finishing their act, then back to a lingering closeup on Arthur bleeding out alone in the Arkham corridor while the twink laughs hysterically, implying the next Joker riseth. Roll credits.

to quote my friend Peter, "having the new Joker play gay chicken with the old joker is cinema".

but all seriousness, save for a few goofy moments here or there or "oh my god, they're really doing this", the movie is boring as sin. which is quite the feat given it's a musical with Lady Gaga as Harley, but when it wasn't boring it was a shockingly offensive mishandling of serious issues that was also a pointless rehash of the events of the first film, not just as a middle finger to those who liked it, but a middle finger to people who like musicals, Batman, DC, and maybe even film as a whole.

just please, please, do yourself a favour and stream Harlequin (Lady Gaga's tie-in album) instead. Mother Monster ate.

[our-alterous-experience]

so i just recently discovered alterous attraction and it felt right to me. i have so far identified as panromantic demisexual, and i was just curious how you thought that fit in with my current orientation.

i know its totally individualized, i am just curious to hear someone else's thoughts on the matter, since i cant talk to the people in my life abt it right now.

Well!!!! Depends on how you feel. As you said, it’s individualized so I can throw out some interpretations !!

So I came out as pansexual as a child and always thought I was ace. I flirted with calling it panromantic but never committed. Because I’m aromantic, bc i’m aplatonic, I find it fitting to call myself panalterous. Bc while I am still aspec what’s more important than my romance or sex take or whatever is how i feel alterously. That being said, you don’t need a direct “name” to fit in conjunction with all the other labels and identity. While some people are Romantics and others feel they are that way about Platonic ideals; the same applies to being alterous. I think sunfriend is my favorite alterous term I ever heard but that’s more hyper specific terminology than helpful thing.

For me, I’m also trans, i’m also queer, i’m also aspec, im also arospec.

I don’t think it’s productive all the time to go hello im Vexerin from genderfluid butch transmasc transsexual neopronouner pansexual aplatonic aspec aceflux aromantic alterous land.

Because honestly! It’s much easier to say Hello, I’m Vexerin, I’m panalterous, I’m 20, I’m aromantic and aplatonic. (Within, the context of someone asking me what the fuck i am for the first time at least)

Which is not to say I dislike any of the identities I identify with, it has given me so much freedom to accept these many facets and factors of my life. But for strangers and people who don’t really Know everything about you or even your sexualities, I would recommend just verbalizing “the hits”. The pieces that impact you the most/ are most relevant. For me that’s a lot of my A-spec identities. For me it’s important that I tell a new online friend I’m aplatonic. Is it important for you to tell someone you’re alterous? Are you itching to tell someone?

When I first started introducing myself as alterous in new spaces there was eventually questions and sit downs and I explained my experience and point of view. With new people I was explaining myself for the first time. It was remarkable I got to set expectations in my own way in my own relationships. So the default wasn’t automatically the society standard. I mean it was but it was changed, and that changed me. I will have this conversation over and over again. Like the classic saying, you never stop coming out.

So my perspective is, what do you want to introduce yourself with? Do you want to mention you’re alterous? I think it’s okay to, I think it’s also okay not to. Or it could be something you don’t mention when first talking about your sexuality but you make sure to mention it the second time. or maybe you only mention it when it becomes relevant, you feel alterous or you remember an alterous moment and you bring it up.

There are many different ways to try to go about this. Which one is the best for you? Or rather, which would you want to try out first?

[tarot-by-e11e]

Archetype

Hello elle, I'm Kathrine.

My tip to beat procrastination is to write all the chores down n segregate them into most important to least. Then further divide one chore into small processes so i can manage it whenever I can throughout the day/week. So it won't feel like a burden.

If i was a wild animal, I'd be a black panther (any type of big cat ig)

Excited to participate in your game ❤️ Thankyou ❤️

Hi Katherine,

Thank you so much for participating in my ARCHETYPE ask game.

I think I've read this before! It's like braindumping everything you want and need to do, then categorize the tasks based on importance! Ooooh, yes I did hear about making the tasks smaller, to make it less daunting!

You might have this cool unbothered vibe because you chose the black panther~

Oooooppss, wrong panther~ I meant this one~

So let’s get to your cards, shall we: XXVIII the Shadow, 4 of Wands, Sun

So the archetype you are encouraged to embody is the SHADOW.

I find it really fitting because you chose black panther as your animal~

So this archetype asks you to dive deep into your learning and accept the parts of you that society(and subconsciously, you) might deem unwelcomed and unlovable. I heard, "The Dark is the reason you desire the Light." which makes me feel like, you can just say you want to be all love and light without accepting that life has its dark moments too. I also heard, "Take off your rose-colored glasses and see people for who they are, not who they are capable of becoming".

So, instead of hating yourself for the things that you had to become in order to stay alive/your version of sane, try to see it as becoming the adult your younger self wished you had to protect you. Just remember, as we grow older, there will come moments when we have to do things, not because we want to, but because that option was the "lesser of the two evils".You were stuck between a rock and hard place. If there was any other option, you would have done that.

So forgive yourself for those moments when you wished you could have done things differently. You did what you could then, you deserve to feel safe to be you, to just simply exist. So, please be kinder to yourself. You've been through more than enough, way more than you let people know. Don't you think it's high time you be gentler with yourself? It doesn't mean you're slacking off, it just means, you deserve to enjoy living a slower, gentler way of life.

The actionable tasks you're encouraged to incorporate in your life are finding a likeminded community that accepts and supports you for who you are and how you want to live your life. Also, choosing your happiness, letting yourself be unapologetic in putting your needs, wants, and desires first.

This concludes the end of your reading.

Do let me know how this resonates.

Feel free to send me some love and support via my Buy me a Coffee Link here.

Always remember, this reading is for entertainment purposes only. What you do with this information is up to your free will. Take care always, okay?

[chevvsgotanumbrellatattoo]

Aces

Story Technicals:

-Synopsis: The Boys try to use their powers on you, to no avail. Little do they know, you are Ace.

-Written in second person for inclusivity of all kinds! :D

-Slightly excesssive use of italics because that's apparently how I write emphasis *vampiric shrug*

-Word Count: 3,768

-Also why is writing people flirting so. freaking. hard.

♠️Soapbox below intro, fic below soapbox&references. Please read the soapbox, it explains certain bits of the fic <3 and asexuality ♠️

(banners courtesy of cafekitsune!)

HI BEANS!!! Gods, this fic has been in the works for a hot minute. The idea came about and is fully credited to @checkitoutmikey! I love this idea and I really really r e a l l y wanted to do it justice. There's so much misunderstanding about asexuality and Aces that I wanted to clear the air a little via fic. (I find that sometimes it's easier to grasp a concept if it's written using characters you know!)

Alright. Soapbox time.

As an Ace (a person who identifies as asexual), I have based this on my own experiences, stories I have heard, and I have fact checked things I wasn't 100% on, such as the black ring—♠️Please let it be known that, according to this webpage, the black ace ring did not come about until 2005, but for the purposes of this fic, it felt like an important piece of information to include.♠️ This being said, this part of the fic is not time accurate. Sorry, Santa Carla. *another vampiric shrug*

I really poured my heart and soul into this fic. I want to spread awareness to those who may not know about asexuality. I was in high school when I found out that there was a word for what I was feeling. It was revolutionary to learn that there wasn't anything wrong with me. It was so, so freeing. If my words can be the medium that introduces someone out there to asexuality and lets them know that they're not broken, then this fic will have served its purpose. As a bonus, I’ll put a few resources below that I find exceptionally helpful for learning about asexuality (please feel free to reblog with more resources or, if you'd rather, you can DM me the sources so I can add them to the post!).

Okay, okay, I did play on the cake cliché (because, at least in my case, it's TRUE), but aside from that, I think I explained things pretty accurately and cliché-free. I know there’s a lot more information I could have included (see: dragons), but then I would be writing forever and this would never get posted and let's face it—we all need a dose of our gay 80s vampires in this year of 2024.

If you have someone who expresses their aceness to you, accept them and support them, for the love of cheese, crackers, and rock box tapes. Not experiencing/experiencing very little sexual attraction in a society that basically runs and prides itself on sex can be incredibly isolating and depressing. Disclosing this information to people takes a hel of a lot of energy, bravery, confidence, and trust. Allow us to disclose this information to the people we choose and DO NOT do the job of coming out for us. Not all of us want or can come out. Respect our boundaries and we'll remember the effort forever.

We are not broken. We are not faking it. We are valid and there is nothing wrong with us. You are not alone.

Resources:

♠️‘I Am Ace (Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life)’ by Cody Daigle-Orians ($15-$20 on Amazon, around $10 on ThriftBooks)

THE BEST BOOK I HAVE EVER BOUGHT WITH MY ADULT MONEY. Essentially a handbook on everything (or almost everything) you've ever needed or wanted to know about asexuality. I think everyone needs to read this book at least once in their lives. It explains asexuality so thoroughly and concisely without being bitchy or conceited. Daigle-Orians shares his experiences throughout the book, and it was incredibly validating to know that I wasn't alone in some of these experiences.

He also touches on aromanticism! Cody Daigle-Orians has Instagram, YouTube, and a webpage: ♠️Instagram ♠️YouTube ♠️Webpage

♠️Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)

An absolute fount of knowledge about all things Asexuality (and occasionally Aromanticism!). Their Tumblr answers Asks semi-often, too! ♠️Website ♠️Tumblr

Trigger warnings (in order of appearance) ⚠️:

David smoking cigs

General cuss words

Being cat-called / harassed by Surf Nazis (the Boys protect you, don't worry)

Does kinda/sorta include a microaggression (‘don't know til u try it’ one)

Unwanted pet-name ("doll face")

Talk of David eating any future cat-callers

The Boys attempting to use powers of persuasion on you (Da-da-da, does not work)

The topic of consent/non-consensual sex coming up because the MC asks our undead idiots (/pos) if they understand the concept of consent (they do)

The MC being worried about the Boys thinking they're ‘broken’ (THIS ISN'T POSSIBLE BC ACES AREN'T BROKENNNNN)

Marko hitting the MC with the ‘plant’ microaggression bc bro is cute but he can be a little dense (it hurt to write, trust me, but idk. something in me felt like it was important to show the Ace's side of microaggressions, especially the ones that come from people who are genuinely trying to understand)

If I missed any warnings, please let me know! I always try to cover anything that could even be partially/potentially triggering, just in case!

WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID, HAPPY (belated) PRIDE MY DARLINGS AND MOTOR BABIES!!! ENJOY THE RIDE!!!!

🥳🥳🥳🥳

Combat boots. Grippy jeans. Band t-shirt. A flannel that barely hugged your hips since the knot was coming undone. You tightened it, flashing a wicked smile at your boys.

"Finally decided to show up," you sauntered up to the four, taking your time crossing the boardwalk.

"We've been waiting on you for 10 minutes." David exhaled cig smoke with each word.

"I know." You smirked. You rolled your eyes at his unrelenting glare—the glare you knew was fake because you knew this ringleader little vamp was secretly so so excited to see you—and pecked his cheek. "I got caught up in traffic."

"You ride a bike."

"Motorbike. And unlike some," you fussed with his coat, just to have an excuse to touch him. "I have to follow traffic laws. Can't have me dying on my way here, huh?" He brought the cigarette close to his mouth, but you pushed it away, planting a kiss on his warm, nicotine-tinted lips. You felt him tense, surprised, but soon relaxing into it. Pulling back, you took his face in your hands. Taking the kiss from him early was slightly amusing. "I'm sorry. It happens."

"C'mon, David! Don't hog the kisses!" Paul whined. You grinned, bouncing over and tackle-hugging Paul, pressing kisses all over his gleeful face.

"There's plenty, Paulie!" You relished in the sound of his giggles. His pale face grew colorful due to his bright smile. "So! What chaos are we committing tonight?" Your wicked little grin finally broke David's frown.

"Cotton candy, carousel," Marko matched your grin with his own. "Paul wants to check out the live music."

"The sax guy's back!"

"Jewelry store got a new shipment, too. Might swipe you somethin' nice." Dwayne purred into your ear, pulling you from Paul and to his chest. You shuddered at the sound and the feeling of his nose against your neck. You moved, grinning up at him and making a smile break across his face. "Hi, sweetheart."

"Hi," a giggle slipped from your throat. You felt yourself being yanked into another solid frame: multi-colored patches and blond curls. "Marko!" You could hear his grin laced within the Italian he muttered into your ear. He knew damn well you couldn't understand him, but he didn't care, and nor did you. You found it endlessly attractive.

"Let's go fuel up." He said. You nodded, allowing yourself to be pulled away by the hyper blond.

Waiting in line for funnel cakes, David and Dwayne watched in silent amusement as you and the terror twins kept pinballing off of each other's energy, talking about which rides to go on before the live music. Finally retrieving 5 of the fried treats, you parked yourselves on a railing, chowing down and laughing over nothing.

"I can not finish this. One of you want it?" You held out the plate. David—still licking the powdered sugar from his fingers—held out his free hand, demanding the plate. "You just barely finished yours, David." Again, his hand beckoned the plate forward—the stoic vampire equivalent of grabby hands.

"David fuckin' loves funnel cake. Don't try to stop him." Paul snickered. Now satisfyingly snackless, you stood and stretched, popping your neck and scaring the shit out of Marko. A whistle interrupted his retort.

"Hey, baby, come over here!" Surf Nazis. "We got better snacks than those boys do!" Gyration followed by loud cackling. You rolled your eyes, perching next to Marko.

"Pricks." You huffed. You moved your foot, heel pressed into Dwayne's shoulder to stop him from standing. "Leave it alone. They'll get bored."

But they didn't get bored. Instead, the gaggle of Surf Nazis made their way over. Your silent seething held your vampires in place. You ignored the group until they spoke.

"Why don't you come spend some time with real men?" The ringleader tried to slide close. You put a foot up against his chest, stopping him.

"I know how I like my men, and honey, you're not done cooking." Your voice was ice, eyes boring holes into his skull. Snort from Paul. The other Surf Nazis chittered.

"How do you know if you've never tried?" The ringleader wouldn't give in.

"I don't need to drink poison to know the taste will be bitter." That wiped the smirk from his face. You pushed him away, dropping your foot and staring him down. He, once again, tried to come onto you.

"Look." You stood. "See this ring? It means I'm a member of the Black Ring Society. We have a very specific set of qualifications that allow us entry. These qualifications make us immune to mortals' pathetic attempts at enticing us with their corporeal form, such as the pitiful display you're putting on now." David choked on his drink, trying not to laugh. The Surf Nazis all looked dumbfounded.

"W-What?"

"I don't wanna ride your dick. Go away."

At this, Dwayne stood. Your cleverness was clearly wasted on these idiots. The other three stood around you as well, prepared to pounce while simultaneously providing a silent, yet protective, barrier.

"This isn't a fight you want to start tonight." Dwayne growled. You heard Marko popping his knuckles for effect, ready to knock the lights out of whoever approached him first.

"You don't know what we want." A lower Surf Nazi got stopped by a higher up.

"Yes we do, and you're not getti-"

"I'm not a piece of meat. I said no." You raised your voice, cutting Paul off. "If you and your cohorts don't leave, I will call for the boardwalk officer." You knew the officer wouldn't be pleased to see you and the boys either, but the Surf Nazis loved their beach time too much to risk it.

"Watch your back, doll face." Defeated, the ringleader sauntered off, his crew following behind. You huffed, leaning against the railing again.

"You okay?" Marko looked at you. You shrugged.

"Let's go ride some rides."

Several rides into the night, your mood had improved considerably. Paul practically ripped your arm from its socket dragging you to the music stage. Settled in a sandy little corner near a fire bin, you waited impatiently, but your thought process was interrupted by an arm snaking around your waist.

"Feeling better, darling?" David.

"Yeah. I get shit like that all the time." You shrugged, leaning into his embrace. "Don't worry. Nothin's happened."

"If it does, I'll murder them and eat the entrails." He promised, an unlit cig perched at his lips. You took it before he could light it. Confusion rippled over his pretty features. You hated when he frowned.

"Wait this once? The smells out here are a lot right now." At your unintentional puppy face, David couldn't find himself able to say no. He slid the nic-stick back into the carton, contenting himself with holding you close. Despite the bodies and fire nearby, there was a distinct chill in the air. You burrowed into David, wrapping yourself in his coat. He chuckled, moving you in front of him and cocooning you in the extra fabric. Now warm, you grinned, burying your face in it. Hints of cig smoke, mints, and pilfered cologne reached your nose, soothing the overworked sense.

"If you wanna be so close, why don't we go back to the cave? I'll keep you warm, kitten." His voice was low and gravelly. He pressed a tiny kiss to your ear, smirking. "You're so sweet, I could eat you up like a funnel cake." With that, he nipped your ear. You laughed, but frowned. He was puzzled to see confusion on your face.

"We came for the music, though. Why would we go back to the cave?" You looked at his dumbfounded face, lost. You didn't have a lot of time to dwell on this thought because the crowd of people around you erupted. The music was starting.

****

An hour set! It was amazing. You danced with the four respectively, the music fueling your soul in a way that funnel cake couldn't. Paul was so giddy and happy he got to see "sax guy" again.

"C'mere, peaches." He twirled you to him, catching you in his arms. His nose brushed yours, mischief in his eyes. "I prolly got some dance moves left that you've not seen."

"Is that so?" You laughed. "I think I saw them all on the dance floor." You broke free of his grip, moving to cooler air. Dancing had replaced all chills with sweat. To your astonishment, Paul looked dumbfounded as well, glancing at Marko and David. "What do you boys wanna do now?"

"I can think of a couple things." Marko purred, grabbing your hips and pulling you into him. "You look so good in those jeans, baby. I'd love to draw your pretty curves in 'em." His forehead to yours, you got lost in his eyes for a moment. He tightened the flannel at your middle, hand traipsing up your side a bit, but you grabbed it, seamlessly sliding out of his grip, giggling. You were riding a concert high, eyes sparkling. Marko looked surprised, but Dwayne took your hand.

"How 'bout a milkshake?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Sounds delectable!" You grinned. It had been too long since you had had a milkshake. The other three looked positively shocked. You giggled, sliding up to David. You hooked his chin with your finger, closing his pretty mouth. "You look like a bunny when your mouth hangs open like that, luvvie. Keep it up, and I'll kiss your little teeth." David blinked, looking at you. He smiled now, moving to peck the appendage at his chin.

"You heard 'em, boys. Milkshakes await," he raised an eyebrow, taking your hand. You laughed, moving back over to Dwayne and letting him drape an arm around you as you walked.

The small diner was crowded, but thinning out. Four of you slid into a booth, Paul taking the odd seat at the end of the table. The waiter was clearly overwhelmed when they came up to you, but you assured them that you were in no hurry.

"You're doing great," you smiled. They relaxed a bit, smiling. They looked close to tears.

"What can I get ya?"

You ordered the milkshakes with ease, laying dramatically on Dwayne as you waited. He rolled his eyes, but moved his arm to support your weight. Marko and Paul bounced off your energy, but overall, the four just seemed… confused. In an attempt to combat their frowns, you reached up and squished Dwayne's stoic face in your hand, making him smile. He moved your hand, wrinkling his nose up at you. You tried to grab his pouty little face again, but he pretended to bite at your hand, making you laugh outright.

"Okay!" You sat up.

"Silly little pretty one." He teased, pressing a kiss to your head. Your heart melted, beating twice as fast. "If you want a kiss, just ask."

"Maybe I will," you grinned mischievously. He rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Here ya go!" The waiter passed them out. "Enjoy!"

"Thank you!" You answered for the boys, who were already sipping on the sweet drinks. You caught David's eye, giggling slightly.

"What?"

"Chocoholic." You accused. He kicked your foot lightly under the table, biting back a grin.

"As opposed to… what did you get?" He frowned at the sprinkles on top of your shake.

"Birthday cake," you unsheathed your straw, taking a huge sip. The vampiric grabby hands returned. You couldn't save your drink from him as a brain freeze settled behind your eyes. It thawed out just in time to see David's face wrinkle up.

"No." He slid it back to you, shaking his head. You laughed.

"Chocoholic."

"Cake fanatic."

"Thank you!" You fake gasped. He pretended to ignore you.

"Maybe once we're done here, I can show y-" Marko shoved a napkin in Paul's mouth, cutting him off.

"Do not ruin their cake obsession." He quipped, ignoring the coughing fit he sent his brother into. Once it passed, you looked at the rocker.

"What were you saying?" He squirmed slightly under the glares of the others.

"Just askin' if you wanted to go to the cave, peaches." He stirred his milkshake around sheepishly, not looking up from the sweet confection. You frowned.

"What is it with the cave tonight?" You pressed. "You all have been dying to spend tonight on the boardwalk, but you keep trying to get back there." You frowned at your milkshake now, upset by the confusing conversations scattered throughout the night. Dwayne nudged your arm, getting your attention.

"You know about our.. specific dietary tastes, right?" He started. You nodded. "And that we have… certain… qualities?"

"Well, yeah." You had no idea where this was going. You were in public. They could get caught talking about bloodthirst and powers out in the open. "I saw David make a Surf Nazi eat a slushie covered pretzel from the trash last week." The vamp in question snickered at this, half-hiding his face in his treat.

"That skill set in particular, persuasion.." Dwayne was trailing off a lot and it was kind of irritating. You huffed. He got the message. "It includes relationship things. Partner things." He brushed your hair from your face.

"What do you mean?" You weren't getting it.

"We've been flirting all night." David said flatly. Dwayne scoffed at him, a 'really?' look on his face. "What was it you said? ‘Enticement of the corporeal form?’" Heat flooded your face as you fidgeted with your straw, staring at the treat.

They were hitting on you.

"So the cave… you wanted.. alone time." The idea repulsed you. You were all massive flirts, but the thought of that made your stomach flip. The milkshake in front of you no longer sounded appealing. "If this has all just been a game for you four to inevitably get in my pants and then eat me-"

"Relax." Marko stopped your words. "If that were the case, we'd have done it by now. We love you for you, baby." His bluntness took you aback, but you noted the gentleness in his voice. You still squirmed at the idea.

"So… what? You've been trying to make me… have sex with you?" The word was revolting. You hated the taste.

"I was teasing. At the music, when you were wrapped up in my coat. I had no intention, really, but it didn't work on you." David explained.

"You used your powers on me???" You hissed. He nodded curtly, earning him a violent kick to the shin. He visibly winced, nearly spilling his milkshake.

"They didn't work!" He hissed right back. "All of us tried it."

"All of you?" Rage settled in your veins. David biting your ear. Paul's 'dance moves.' Marko's comment about your jeans. It all made so much more sense.

"We weren't going to go through with it!" Paul insisted. "Really. The only reason we did it was to try to figure out why they aren't working on you." His puppy eyes ripped at you, but you ignored him.

"They didn't work?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Mine did, but it didn't take much to convince you to get a milkshake." Dwayne piped up. He sipped on his drink lightly, clearly enjoying that he wasn't in the kill zone.

"Don't think you're safe." His smirk dropped. "What the hel makes you think I want to have sex?” You pointed this question at the ringleader, staring him down as he rubbed at his shin.

"You're so fuckin flirty, peaches! We all just.. sorta assumed-" you smacked the back of Paul's head.

"Idiots. Just because you're not sick doesn't mean you can't joke about it." You stood, taking your milkshake to the counter and getting a to-go cup. You paid and left, sitting beachside as you finished your treat. It was quite a while until the boys found you. When they approached, you didn't acknowledge them.

“Can we sit?” David asked. You noted the slight embarrassment behind his voice, but nodded. The four perched in the sand, antsy and guilty looking. Simply put, they looked like drenched little bats—upset and shivering under your cold gaze.

“We're sorry, peaches.” Paul actually had tears in his eyes, bless his undead little heart. “We should've been honest with you.”

“We were mostly confused why they weren't working, and you ended up being the guinea pig.” Marko added. “They always work on Surf Nazis and nosy adults and annoying eight-year-olds, but not on you. Not… not for that.” You tensed.

“Which is still the most appalling, downright nasty thing any creature could ever do! Have you even heard of consent?”

“We have! We know, peaches!”

“Trust us, Max drilled that into our heads way before we turned.” David said quietly. “We shouldn't have used our powers on you, kitten.” David apologizing. That was one for the history books. That didn't excuse anything though.

“Don't do it again or I swear-”

“We swear.” Dwayne cut you off before your voice got louder than the waves. “On jaguars and funnel cake and the rock box and pigeons.” He held out a pinky. You looked over all four of them; genuine regret poured from their vibes, heavy and thick and sludgy. You turned away from Dwayne, looking instead at the ocean.

“I want to know why.” Your voice was icier than David's irises.

“We told you, we don't know.” Dwayne sighed. “It worked when you wanted to learn to skate but were too scared to initiate. Which is the only time we've done it outside this!” He added quickly, recoiling under your glare.

“Yeah, I remember. It was ‘cuz I told you to. I knew I was too much of a wuss and didn't wanna back out.” You relented. You listened to the waves for a few minutes, the five of you thinking.

“Babe, what was that thing you said to that Surf Nazi earlier?” Marko asked. You frowned.

“Uhm.. oh, that. It's a long-winded and overly clever way of explaining my ring.” He still looked confused. “I was telling them that they couldn't seduce me with their bodies because that type of thing doesn't interest me.”

“What does that mean?” Dwayne asked slowly. “You don't.. you don't feel attraction?” You were about to be mad, but the genuine curiosity and want to understand on his face calmed the wave of rage down to a small ripple.

“Not sexual attraction, no.” You said. David looked bewildered, to say the least. You laughed lightly, your grin confusing them more. “I'm asexual.”

“Asexual? Like plan-”

“You idiot, of course not!” You kicked Marko. “It means a person who experiences very little or no sexual attraction. In my case, I experience none. The entire concept of sex feels too… vulnerable and invasive. So for me, I'm sex repulsed. The entire notion makes me anxious and nauseous.”

“So what about... romantic attraction?” David piped up. “You aren't just playing us, are you?” He almost looked hurt. The wall you put up softened a little.

“Boys.” You smiled weakly. They were truly trying to understand, they just didn't have the information to do so. “Of course not. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are very different. You can still want the romance without the sex. The lack of romantic attraction is called being aromantic. You can be aro/ace—which is just lingo for aromantic and asexual respectively—or you can be one or the other. Or neither. That's also an option.” They chuckled.

“So you're still with us?” You smiled at Paul's sheepishness.

“I'm still your partner, yes.” You said. The air got less tense. “Did that answer your questions?”

“Most of ‘em.” Marko said. He was still rubbing his arm. “Still doesn't explain the persuasion not working.” You thought about this for a moment, fidgeting with your flannel.

“You were trying to convince me to.. have sex with you, right?” Your stomach flipped at the idea. Color rushed to their translucent faces, but they nodded. It clicked. You grinned. “I think it didn't work because you can't make someone feel something they aren't hardwired to feel. The idea wouldn't stick because I don't feel that attraction.” Realization flooded the air. The vibe lightened.

“What about the ring?”

“It's a symbol for asexuality, a way for us to show our pride in public in a quiet way. A way for other aces to see and recognize each other. A black ring on your right middle finger. For aromantics, it's the same concept, but a white ring on your left middle finger.” They nodded, small smiles on their faces. A thought tugged at your brain, making your confidence and smile drain right out of you. What if you messed things up by explaining? The boys must think you're weird or pining for attention.

“You don't think of me differently now, do you?”

“How do you mean?” David asked.

“Just.. thinking I'm weird… or confused... or broken.” You looked down, embarrassed and afraid. Their silence was deafening. It would be easier to deal with if they just started yell-

“Of course not, peaches.” Paul's voice left no room for argument. “We don't think you're broken or weird. You just experience the world a little differently, and that's okay.” Your head shot up, looking at him. The other three nodded. A weight left your chest, forcing air into your lungs as your brain forgot how to breathe. They didn't think you were broken. They didn't think you were weird or looking for attention or confused. They saw you for you. Pressure pooled behind your eyes, blurring your vision before a blink sent the warm water down your face.

“You mean it?” Your voice shook and you hated it. The four looked stricken with worry and a deep sense of care.

“Of course we mean it, darling. We love you for you.”

“Thank you for trusting us with this. We know coming out can be hard, but it means a lot that you explained it to us.”

“We won't tell anyone, promise. That's information that is yours to disclose to whomever you choose.”

“We're still here for you, darling, that hasn't changed.”

******

It had been a few weeks since you had explained asexuality to your protective vampires. True to their word, nothing changed, and that small but incomparable fact made your heart soar. For the first time in a long time, you felt validated. You felt seen. You felt accepted.

Your pride grew even more when you noticed Paul start to wear a black ring on his right middle finger. From then on, you were a bit more loud and proud about your aceness.

[owlets-outlet]

habits you should have, regardless of beauty standards:

we all know that sex sells, and if youre like me, you refuse to be a part of it. the issue is, many of the habits that are advertized to be for the improvement of your looks, are actually really important for your health as well, often times even life saving. if youre like me, you might be unaware of this and deliberately NOT participating in them as a protest against beauty standarts, which might actually be hurting you. let me tell you which! (long post)

1. wearing sunscreen:

unless you have a lot of melanin, you should wear sunscreen every time the uv index is 3 or higher, to protect yourself from skin cancer.

why does society tell us to wear it?

i always hear 'sun exposure gives you wrinkles, freckles, sunspots, etcetc' and went 'well i dont CARE, fuck you' and never wore it.

everybody tries to sell sunscreen as 'antiaging'. its crazy how thats the biggest selling point, and not the fact that sunscreen protects you from getting CANCER.

heres the thing, you SHOULDNT care about getting wrinkles! theres nothing wrong with them, no matter how 'premature' they are!

why you should actually wear it:

you should care about skin cancer though. asides from melanoma, which has very low survival rates, other skin cancers, while not as deadly, can then spread to different organs and *cause* other deadly cancers.

okay, im new to sunscreens, what should i do?

well first, let me say that mineral vs chemical doesnt really matter, as long as the spf is high enough. the general rule is the higher the spf, the better.

if i were to reccomend a sunscreen, it would be beauty of joseon. it has gone viral, and while i do think its overhyped, i think its a great basic. its pretty cost efficient, not sticky or smelly and doesnt burn my eyes.

you should apply spf if the uv index is 3 or higher, which you can check the levels in your area on any weather website. if youre staying outside for longer than 2 hours, you should reapply.

you dont have to wear suncreen indoors! your windos block most uv rays.

your face needs at least a quarter of a teaspoon to be fully protected. of course the amount varies depending on the size of your face, but usually two fingers are enough to protect your face:

to save as much sunscreen as possible, try to stay in the shade and and cover your body when going outdoors!

before you go to sleep, you should remove your spf by double cleansing!

2. working out:

why does society tell us to work out?

the most common answer is: to lose weight. the get a 'desirable' body shape. to get a 'healthy' body shape.

there are many scientific papers that talk in depth about how your weight isnt indicative of your health, so i am going to spare you, and i certainly dont need to go in depth about how nobody should conform to societys beauty standards.

another thing worth pointing out is that often times, exercise cannot actually give you the shape you want. there are many factors to this, such as genetics or hormones, but the fact is, exercise often just wont help you archieve the ideal body shape anyway.

why should you actually work out, then?

many reasons!

-being in shape (metaphorically, not literally) will make moving around easier and you'll get less tired perfoming your daily tasks.

-working out improves mood and helps with brain fog

-increases energy levels (ironically)

-good for cardiovascular health, digestive health, good for bone heath: that means that as you age, you are more likely to retain more of your mobility than if you didnt work out, and your body will in general be happier

-sometimes it helps you socialize, participate in community etc.

how to get into working out?

now, this is the fun part: there is no wrong way to go about this!

you dont need to do a specific type of working out! in fact, just pick whatever suits you!

you can run or go for walks. dance in your living room or attend dance class. shadow box. go to the gym to box.

lift weights or do at home calisthenics, do chloe ting workout videos, climb trees, go for a bike ride, whatever!

just keep moving! you should workout a few times a week :) you dont need any fancy equipment or clothes.

3. eat healthy

now, this one may be different definition of a healthy diet than youve heard of: you shouldnt eat less, but more. the biggest adjustment to your diet shouldnt be removing things but adding things.

you should eat a lot of vegetables, as well as proteins, sugar and fats.

you can keep your fries and a burgers, but you should add a salad as well!

maybe you grew up believing that you dont like healthy things, like fish or collard greens, but you might be living in a lie :D

i reccommend trying new recipes, you might be surprised!

a good diet will have similiar effects to working out- its very important to nourish your body so that it can work properly.

[dearsnow]

AND THE DAM BREAKS (6)

- DULY NOTED: college is hard enough without feelings involved, and you’d like to keep it that way. (Jace, Aegon, Aemond, Helaena, & Baela x fem!reader college SMAU)

synopsis ; you finally let aegon into your dorm and your heart.

a/n - things are moving!!! they are going directions definitely!! lol there will be more aegon moments but this is the almost official end of the aegon/reader drama and the start of a new era. love ya <3

Taglist (bolded means I couldn't tag you for some reason): @valeskafics @mightyavngrs @mmmimilan @its-halleys-comet @babyblue-chaos @ghostheartbeat @savagemickey03 @hoe4fiction @cecespizza01 @panelhone @persephonesportal @lovelyliliya @llovelydove @nohesmile @rattheraddestrat @jordanjanellejoy @depressedperson88 @m-indkiller @julczimozart @nupppuff @writervaul-t @m1ndbrand @the-jess-life

You’ve ignored the knocks on your door for as long as physically possible. Every day, usually in the night, someone has been whining at your door, surely upsetting everyone on your floor. You’re sure it’s Aegon. No one else would be up at 4:51 AM, smelling of booze and perfume and sadness.

It’s been maybe two or three weeks since your complete disappearance from society. You claim it was for school, and part of it truly was, but in reality you just can’t face everything. You feel tears watering up in your eyes whenever you try to pick up your phone. Are you really that annoying? School is your priority but your friends will never be any less important to you, and they know that. Most of them know that. Maybe they don’t.

You take a deep breath and open the door.

“Oh my god, finally. Babe, I’ve been so worried about you-“

“Yeah. Worried.” You say, eyebrows raised. “If you’re here to complain about me having goals for myself, just tell me now so I can shut the door.”

He cringes at the venom in your voice. His words must have hit far too close to home. “I promise I won’t, now or ever again. I’m sorry.”

Fuck, he’s sorry? Even you in your annoyed and saddened state can recognize that this is a huge moment for him. He’s the king of not taking responsibility for his actions.

He peeks his head past your arm and into your dorm, and you move to let him in. His eyes are swimming with guilt and exhaustion.

“That’s kind of what I’m here to say. I fucked up. I said stupid and untrue things about you and I really hope you can forgive me, at least someday.” He rambles, his fingers tangling with each other as he sits on your chair. “I just… I feel so complicated with you. It’s stupid but it feels like the world is dead when you’re sad. I said what I said to try and get you to notice me when your head is in the books and all that, but I regret it. It was self-sabotage too, stupid fucking self-sabotage. I’m really sorry.”

A silence falls over the room as you gently sit on your bed, facing him. There’s too much for you to even say. He really doesn’t think of you badly. It was all in your head, all of it. He lied, and for the first time in a long while, his lie was worse than the truth.

“It’s okay.” You whisper, so quiet he would’ve missed it if he wasn’t staring at your lips. “What you said really hurt me, but I appreciate your apology. It means a lot.” He adds on a ‘especially from you’ in his head, knowing you think it but would never let it past your teeth.

He should be happy right now. His eyes should be lighting up and his mouth should be curving into a smile, but all he can think of is how utterly dejected you look. He takes your hands in his.

“Don’t be sad. Not about my lies, princess. There are better things to spend your mental energy on.” You laugh lightly.

“Like what?”

“Like those studies that have been taking up your time lately. Or resisting Jace’s puppy-dog eyes when he tries to get you to go to his latest game, the sporty little freak.” You laugh, your face lighting up a tiny bit, and he laughs, his face lighting up a world brighter. He presses a quick kiss to your cheek, a gesture of affection he knows you won’t mind. “You could even spend it on my truths. You know I love you, right?”

“Sure…” you drawl, teasing him a bit.

“No, I’m being serious.” He insists. He climbs onto your bed next to you, hopping from the chair to your mattress like a monkey. A fond feeling sparks in your stomach. “I’m really in love with you. Just ask Baela-“ his eyes widen a bit after saying her name, but he pushes forward, “I’ve never felt this way with a frat girl.”

“Oh, what a high compliment!” You grin. Your eyes show what you can’t say, a mix of confusion and love and a sprinkle of shame.

“I would really love it if you loved me back,” He almost sings, “but you’re tied down with school, I get it. Ugh, school. Get your diploma and get back to me, ‘kay shortcake?” Now he’s the one close to crying. He can’t believe he let it slip, but everything just felt right. The moon illuminated the curve of your lips, his hands were barely clammy (and that’s saying something), and everything was just so perfect. You stare down at your fingers, playing with them while you try to take everything in.

“I will. I would answer now, I swear I would, but I just don’t know. I don’t know what I feel or how to deal with it or who I maybe might feel possible feelings for. Once I figure it out, you’ll be the first to know.” You take a deep breath before turning to look at him. “I love you, Aegon. Wether it’s platonic or romantic, the principle won’t change. I hope we can stay friends.”

“Of course we can, even though I’ll be absolutely heartbroken for the next few years.” He plops his head in your lap and you smile down at him. “That’s a joke. Maybe. Let’s get onto happier things right now. While you were moping, Helaena came up with a great idea. Just open your phone and check it out.” He stands, pulling open your drawer and rooting around for a phone that is definitely not in your desk. You snort and pull it out from the crack under your bed.

“It’s been a while with this thing. God, I swear there’s gonna be like forty new updates I have to go through.”

There’s not. As you turn it on, dozens and dozens of sweet messages pop up on your phone’s tiny screen. You scroll through them, a warmth spreading through your body, and the dam breaks.

You sob as Aegon wraps his arms around you, whispering sweet things into your ears.

“It’s okay, baby. We love you. Let it out, yeah?”

He stays, and you cry, and the dam dries up, and you know that he would stay forever if he had to. A part of you wishes he could.

[chronically-enthusiastic]

Are you religious?

Hey there anon!

you were probably looking for a straightforward answer of yes or no, but...... instead you are going to get a fairly long piece of the intricacies of my relationship with religion.

[DISCLAIMER BEFORE THIS IS READ: I live by love, and the LGBTQ+ community has my support 100%. I do not agree with the views of christians that are being shared at the moment.]

Okay to start off, I was raised religious. I went to a baptist church, I was very involved with the community around the church and I had a very strong faith. I made the decision to get baptised at the age of 11.

I think its important here to talk about the differences between faith and religion. At least to me, religion is the rules. The things you can and cant do, the rituals that take place. Church of England churches nearly always fall more on the side of religion than faith. Faith is the relationship. Its the trust that you have with God, its the belief that she exists, and has a plan set out for you. I consider myself to have a faith, not a religion.

The rituals that happen in churches - i.e. saying the lord's prayer in unison, having set lines you say after certain things are said by the minister - feel *very* cult-y to me. I have a strong negative reaction to them. I really struggle with the concept of religion. I now go to a less-religious-than-most church of england church, but every time they do a thing that feels more like religion, it takes me out of it and feels very alien. So yeah, I would not say that I am religious.

However, I do have a faith. I believe in God, the christian God. I try to live my life by the values that Jesus set out: I try to show love to people around me, I forgive people, I don't spread hate or cause harm, and I live my life with the knowledge that God has a plan for me. There's a song by For King and Country that says "and they'll know we are christians by our love", and that kinda sums it up for me.

But then I struggle with calling myself a Christian. [TW for transphobia/homophobia etc for the next 2 paragraphs.] In today's society, the voice of 'Christians' is very much fighting against lgbtq+ people. I see Christianity as a faith/religion based on love. And in today's society, the majority of things I see are hate and the spread of things that cause genuine severe physical and mental harm to so many people. I do not stand for that. I don't believe that this is the Christian faith.

I don't like that if I call myself a christian, people assume I hold those veiws. I hate that Christians have become such a loud voice advocating against lgbtq+ people's rights. There are conversations amongst people I have known all my life, who are christians and some of the most loving people, about whether or not same sex marriages should be allowed to happen. I can no longer use the label Christian to describe myself because it has come to mean to other people things that I fundamentally disagree with and harms so many people around me, including myself. So, I am not a Christian.

[tw trauma] I also have a lot of trauma around religion. I was bullied by students and teachers in primary school (and also probably because autism but faith/religion was the main cause). I won't go into it because it is very traumatic for me and I dont want to relive those memories, but it gave me a whole lot of issues. (I used to have panic attacks from driving past the school etc). So that again doesnt help.

In conclusion, no I'm not religious, technically I'm christian but I do not like calling myself one, but I have a faith.

If you want me to elaborate on anything I'm happy to do so!

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

visiting their home for the first time for Lucian/Peter (but not the penthouse?)?

I kinda wanted to try my hand at writing Peter getting to see Lucian's old castle home in the mountains, since I've never actually written that before.

This is still part of the au with Peter as a vampire. Also, I want you to imagine the whole time they're outside, in the day time, Peter is carrying around a black parasol that is super gothy and cool looking because how vampire is that, yeah?

On with the fic!

--

"Holy shit." Peter stared at the large, looming building, still standing even after having been abandoned over a decade ago and left to the elements.

"I take it you're impressed?" Lucian asked.

"In a way, yeah. I mean, I've seen my fair share of castles, I am from England, kinda have to see 'em at least once. But this is different! It's so... so... gothic!"

"I wouldn't say that, considering that the goths had nothing to do with its construction."

Peter huffed and lightly punched Lucian's arm, seeing the lycan smile. "Smart ass. Are you goin' to give me the grand tour before you and your people finally take it back for wolfkind?"

"There has been some work done on it already, at least enough to allow some lycans to live in it, but yes, I shall show you around. I figured that was the case." He took Peter's hand and they started to make their way to the front gates.

Two people stood there, both much more muscular and stronger looking than Peter, clearly acting as guards. They gave Peter hard looks but bowed to Lucian, who quickly said something to them in Romanian, and the bowing stopped.

The doors were opened for them and they stepped in. There were a few people moving about, and two of them were lycan shaped, clearing up rubble from a part of the castle's guard wall that collapsed. Peter watched in interest, it was so cool to see lycans about in the day time that weren't just Lucian wanting to wolf-out back at the penthouse.

Lucian spoke as they walked around the courtyard, pointing out where the work stations were during his old days, and even pointed out where his old work station had been. The kiln had been left behind, clearly built into the cobblestone ground, but the tools were gone.

"Plannin' on doin' some crafting while we're here?" Peter asked.

"Once I get the material, it'll be easier to do things here than at our home in Vegas. Come, shall we see inside?"

Peter found that the inside was exactly what he expected from vampires. Expensive looking artwork and tapestries, custom made items, clearly what looked to be high-society vampire propaganda. Peter, however, did greatly enjoy the tinted windows, apparently that allowed for vampires to wander about without harm during the day, if need be.

Lucian showed him a door that was locked. It clearly held a room that belonged to someone important, and the look in Lucian's eyes indicated to Peter who that was. "You can keep it locked, it's okay."

"Are you sure?" Lucian asked softly.

"If a time capsule of her life is in there that you want to keep protected, then by all means. I won't stop you, this is your project anyway, ya know? Up to you what you wanna do with things."

Lucian turned to face him, taking Peter's other hand in his own. "This is both of our project, Peter, because I would like to include you in on this."

Peter blinked. "What?"

"I mean... it would be nice to come back here from time to time, to come back to what was once my home for so long. And... I would like for you to be here with me, living here as well. You invited me into yours, I wish to do the same with you in mine."

Holy shit.

That's... that's a lot. Considering that this is where Lucian grew up, where he fell in love, where he lost Sonja and gained his freedom in the span of just a few days. Where he took over and lived in peace with his people until some prick coward came and made a deal with him and he had to go into hiding.

But still, this was home, both with good and bad ties to it.

Same as the penthouse was for Peter, where he lived comfortably for work, but had also been attacked by the vampire who ruined his life and his little minion, where they had killed his girlfriend, where he finally got told to grow a pair and end his nightmare once and for all.

And where he had a life with Lucian and their cats.

And maybe it would be nice to have that here too. Being a vampire in a spooky castle was a pretty cool way to live, honestly, especially with a really awesome, sexy wolfman boyfriend.

"You'd really want me to live with you here?" He asked.

"I would be so happy if you did."

"Well, fuck, yeah, let's do that! I'll live with you here, when I can, you know I've still got my show."

Lucian smiled. "You can do... some vampire hunting internet show here, if you wish, keep your fans entertained."

"Oh shit, yeah, that'd be cool! Hey, you got any spooky towers we can check out? I wanna fly around 'em and check out the sights as a bat!"

"Peter, this is a medieval castle, of course we do. And they are also excellent places to make love."

"Wait, really? How do you- oh. Oh fuck, Lucian, good for you!"

--

I think Lucian deserves to have his castle back, and for Peter to be a cute bat flying around it at times.

[yaldev]

Bruzek's Flags

Living in the Oracle’s consciousness came with certain inconveniences. Decadin had no sensory inputs but those shared by his host. His eyes were not closed, but removed—he could not see the darkness. Maybe the gods in here could handle it, but Decadin was only ever a man.

He distracted himself with what faculties were available. He recreated old songs and cursed when he forgot a lyric. He trawled his imagination and dug up an old idea of a Terminus office building, which he modeled in three dimensions and rotated at ludicrous speeds. When the entertainment value ran dry, he fixated on old memories. He handled crystal bugs, ate soup in a sunrise and argued with titans of industry and military, struck now by the wiser things he could have said. Most of all he replayed his first meeting with the Oracle, telling himself this was the most important memory to keep alive, as it came closest to explaining how he, or whatever was left to call “he,” was now here, whatever “here” could mean.

The Oracle could see it all. “Anything to never think of Lhusel,” she thought, and it intruded on Decadin’s mind.

Decadin shoved that thought away.

“You think so much of one broken friendship, and not the families slain in your Empire’s name.”

He was not getting away from this. “Why would you even ask that? You know that bothers me too, but they weren’t part of me and my story like Lhusel was. That’s just how humans work.”

“Want to see something? You’ll go mad if I don’t feed you.”

“I’ll take anything.”

“Perhaps you can make better sense of this than I,” she said, and she poured a vision into Decadin’s mind. His eyes faded back in, and his ears and nose and skin. He was a ghost at a ceremony.

Bruzek unraveled a scroll, read its magic nonsense aloud, and shoved it back in his pocket. “Test,” he said, and all could hear him as clear as if he were standing right before them.

Decadin tried to frown, but he had no mouth. “When was this? Or when will it be?”

“Now,” thought the Oracle, “but far away.”

Bruzek started talking, and the acolyte ignored what he said to focus on how he said it.

“He’s bad at this,” Decadin thought, “can’t imagine he wrote this himself, but he memorized it word for word.”

“You’re so sure,” the Oracle thought.

“Debate society kids like me did the same thing. If he hasn’t fixed it by now it’s because he hasn’t had to. You don’t need to say anything interesting in the military, you just stick to the script. What are those banners?”

“Battle flags, Bruzek’s own. Now that he’s High Commander, he can institute them—”

“He got to High Commander talking like that?!”

“Don’t be so harsh.” The Oracle smirked. “He’s just trying to copy you.”

“...never seen before,” droned Bruzek, “but the vision you have demonstrated in your studies and training has given your Empire confidence that you can face those threats and do what needs to be done.”

Decadin wished his ears would fade back out. “Getting millions killed? Is that how he copies me? You can mock my style but I was never this… generic.”

Bruzek was not worth Decadin’s attention. The acolyte turned his gaze to the audience, the commissioned commanders in shirts and ties. They looked more like desk workers than warriors. At least that was honest. There was no life in their eyes. Whatever the speech was trying to do, it…

Decadin’s attention went back. “Maybe genericism is the point.”

He felt the Oracle’s interest pique. “Go on.”

“Ideas aren’t the reason he leads, but it’s not about following a script either, because then the words would matter. No, this isn’t about what he says to them. The point is, he’s at the front and they have to listen. This is a graduation speech?”

He felt the Oracle nod.

“So this is what the Army is about now. What learning is about, if you’re Ascended.”

Bruzek’s tone changed. “Okay, I could go on another five pages or we could skip to the important part. You’re adults, your time is valuable, you get it. What do you say?”

Decadin saw consciousness return to the soldiers’ eyes. They answered with mild laughter here and there, but no objections.

“Alright! Ascended commanders, you have come this far!”

Violence shone in Bruzek’s eyes. His words pulled memories from the Oracle’s mind, and they polluted this vision. Illusory steelflakes descended on the scene.

“Your power is the Empire’s, and the Empire’s power is yours. What can stop you?”

“Nothing,” was their resounding answer. Lightning mines erupted all around.

“Tell me, in all you have learned: what is it to win?”

“It is love.”

Conversion cities assembled in the distance.

“And what is it to lose?”

“Growth.”

Suppression towers sprouted from the concrete.

“And what is it to reach?”

“Life.”

An Orb of Darkness loomed over them all.

“And what is it to relent?”

“DEATH.”

Decadin’s thoughts were racing. “So they knew this part. They had gut answers. He made the speech bad on purpose, because that was the Army, but the chant was Bruzek. He gave them a part in the script, and sidestepped the formalities to involve them.”

“The Army belongs to him,” the Oracle added, “he could change anything with an order.”

“But he doesn’t. He’s drawing a line between himself and the institution. He’s building a cult to himself, something separate. He’s planning something, what’s he planning?”

“Yes, you are right,” thought the Oracle, “thank you.”

Decadin’s eyes began to fade, and ears and nose and skin, as though the Orb of Darkness were consuming it all.

“Oracle, what’s he planning?” He asked again, but she had sectioned him off again, cast him back to his songs, buildings and obsessions. He pouted and thought of all those men, the true killers in all the Conquests, petty tyrants with computers and annual reviews, Bruzeks in the making. Decadin dreamed up a bomb that could’ve killed them all where they stood, and rotated it at ludicrous speeds.

———

Yaldev is a sci-fantasy worldbuilding project by Ulysses Maurer, with art by Beeple. By looking at narratives, stylized loredumps, bad poetry and little details, we'll witness the story of a planet filled with magical power, the nation which tried to conquer it, this empire’s dramatic collapse and the new world which emerged in its wake. Along the way we'll meet the characters who live here, and we'll explore questions about nationalism, rationalism, the natural world and the quest to master it. For all stories in chronological order, check out the pinned posts at r/Yaldev!

[rantaccla]

Pride Confessions pt. 1

Hello, Badet!

I'm sorry that you've been feeling that way. We could not imagine what you are going through right now but you probably already know this but sometimes — its okay not to be okay. 

I know it seems rough at times but you have to trust yourself on this one. There's no guide book on 'How To Be A Good Queer'. It can be difficult to be natural in a society that frequently tries to categorize people, but it's important to keep in mind that you are special and admired. 

I just wanna leave you a gentle reminder that every person's journey is different and that there is no "right" way to be a queer. It's normal to experience elation and feelings of discontent at times. It's also okay to admire others as much as possible, try to prevent yourself from comparing yourself to other people and strive to be more confident instead. 

A little goes a long way but keep in mind that building confidence and establishing self-worth takes patience and dedication, but you can carry it out with persistence and effort. Everyone is their own person so you don't need any approval from anyone but yourself. Ponder more about embracing and accepting yourself for who you are. Embrace your uniqueness and don't be afraid to express yourself freely. You are capable of having a life that feels true to you. 

You don't have to be afraid because you have all the colors of the rainbow by your side. 

- ad

Hello fellow Demi! Thank you for writing <3 I would like to express my happiness upon finding a fellow demi like you who also has troubles when it comes to romantic topics. If I had a chance to meet up with you, I would listen to you, maybe even become besties and rant all about our circumstances. Gusto ko lang na malaman mo hindi ka nag-iisa at okay lang yang nararamdaman mo.

I have been there too, madalang lang din ako magkaroon ng crushes and love interest, sa totoo lang akala ko hindi ako normal o minsan ay naguguluhan din sa kung ano nga bang kasarian ko. Pero upon realizing and finding out about my sexual orientation, I accepted it na even though there is always a misconception that I am in dominant or common gender or sexual orientation.

So in this blog, I would like you to know na you’re not the only one suffering, marami pa tayo, although there is no really known established community for us, there are struggles talaga na hindi natin maiiwasan.  Isa na ang nararamdaman mo, madalang magkaroon ng crushes or love interest at if ever na hindi ma fulfill, ang bagal mawala ng feelings. For me it took at least two and a half years to forget a 3 month relationship from my previous lover. Time will heal ika nga. You maybe wondering…Bakit? Bakit ang tagal mawala? It’s because demisexuals have this trait on them na nakabase ang romantic interest or attraction sa experience na kasama ang taong nagkakaroon sila ng damdamin. Demis develop a sense of loyalty only to that person we feel attracted to kaya mahirap mawala yung feelings even if konting oras lang ang pinagsamahan ninyo. In this sense demis like us are easily misunderstood because nacoconfuse tayo when it comes into romance, we want to take things slow but that doesn’t mean that we are being cautious or that we don’t really love our current partner and most certainly we aren’t afraid of intimacy. We just want to spend quality time with our love interest and actually make the most out of it. That’s why the more genuine memories we have with our lover, the more bond we have with them, the more it hurts, na gusto mo nalang lamunin ka ng lupa. We invest our time and effort for that person we feel attracted to, that’s why we feel defeated or it’s the end of the world. Imagine having to put a lot of effort into something but it just all goes to waste? I am speaking about this based on what I have experienced too.

There are undoubtedly different kinds of Demis, some who seek skinship but no attraction and some who're really close to being an Asexual. So what can we do? Bipbipbip sabi ng jeep, chariz. Nothing, we just need time to heal and accept a broken relationship because the more we dwell on it or overthink it, mas lalo lang tayong mahihirapan magmove on. If we fall down, the only way is up, although healing is a really slow process, we will eventually get through it and find someone that we can truly be with. As for crushes? Bipbipbip I agree na madalang lang din ako dyan XD except sa mga virtual husbandos and senpais. Hui! De pero, when it comes to crushes, we really strive to get to know them or that even if nagbond na, when we face rejection, ansakit din at ang tagal mawala. Kung ikukumpara, once in a bluemoon lang ang demis nagkakaroon ng attraction sa other person. That’s why those who currently have a Demi partner or you feel that you are attracted to, take time to understand them as they understand you too.

-Tiks

Dear blink forever,

Thank you for writing. It really takes a lot of courage to admit to wanting something and from that, I am proud of you. You are taking a good step. And I assure you, the lacing doubts from your confession is completely understandable for it roots to our common upbringing in the society. So, I hope the following response will reach you and somehow be a help to your predicament.

First of all, it's 100% okay to be confused. I get it that you are experiencing uncertainties about your sexuality and gender identity despite wanting to date women. So, I tell you dear, you are in the process of questioning. That's why, you may frequently find yourself asking what you have expressed in your confession: "is this may be only a phase?" or and "can I commit to the idea of dating women?". This early stage can be frightening but don't feel bad about it, you are just getting started.

Only you can determine what your gender is. So, trying things out for yourself would be your best shot. Because the fact that you know to yourself that you want to go and date women, it might be a sign for you to solidify the doubts about your sexual orientation. You are getting there, dear. It is your own right to explore the things you are interested in. And remember, nobody else should take that from you. 

Moreover, your fears are heard, dear. Your feelings are completely valid but the scare should never dictate your actions for eternity. These are instilled misconceptions about LGBT community in the conservative and patriarchal society, resulting in fears you actually feel. Because nothing is "just a phase" to your sexuality and identity. It isn't a situation where you just woke up and realize you wanted to date women. It's not as simple as that for anyone; it's just the system that deprives us.

I guarantee you that gender is fluid and it is enough reason for you to explore your sexuality and be able to discover what would make you happy and content. You may never know but you are already committing to the idea of wanting to date women– it's already a progress. So, why not try? Only then you can find out. It's your happiness that matters, dear.

And always remember, you have a community fighting alongside you in this journey. We are rooting for you.

-eka

Ola, Hello Kitty!

First of all, it comforts me to know that you are loud and proud to be a woman. I love that you know the power and extent of being a woman, especially in this patriarchal society that continues to view us – women – as a form of fragile and powerless human beings. Although significant progress has been made in the fight for gender equality, it makes sense that you still get to ask about the existence of these gender role expectations because we are still in the long run combating society’s bigotry. I hope you find this response as a companion and an encouragement to carry on standing for each and every woman. 

Yes, I totally agree that society created these expectations on women; to be conservative, to be able to do household chores, to dress traditionally, and to be feminine in all ways. It’s dumb, right? As someone has shared with me before, these were all results of society’s fear of seeing a woman stand fiercely in front of them. The increasing societal repression of sexuality over the centuries has produced a world that belittles the capability of being a woman. They are afraid to see what more we can do. That we are able to uncover the will to knowledge, to fight, to be strong, and to act collectively against the repression they implicated. 

Despite these gender norms engraved in our patriarchal culture, I am proud of you for voicing out what needs to be heard. I want you to know that you are not alone in standing up for women, so continue doing the things you want to explore and being you regardless of how the world may look at us because WE are not the problem. 

I want to thank you for writing this letter, but I also want to give a big thank you for standing up for yourself as a woman, because in doing so, you are standing up for all the women in the world. Abante, Babae! 

-kj