#its not like id eserver it

[periphrasis]

it’s worst just before midnight - late enough to know you won’t sleep but too early not to care

[aropodcasting]

i dont have any work rn however i am incredibly exhausted by the work i had to finish so i will not be very active i do promise the a-spec things r coming im just hrhuuhhhhrhhhhh

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply uhhh also TW for some bad violence stuff sowwy

 i dont know. i love how my fucking Mental Stability REALLY DO BE a  splendid fucking rube goldberg machine wherein one??? lil thin be sending me into a catastrophic  spiral and i just,

i don know i cant. i cant just keep fucking collaping like this but its just so so fucking stupid and IM so so fucking stupid and i dont know i c ant. i cant fucking. i jsut fucking. get up set and ang ry and cry really hard and the throw up and fucking feel e verything burning and just. fucking curl up like a god damn idiot and its hilar ious it really is a fucking joke and ssome god damn fucking performance art and no one else can REALLY deny it. like they can pr e tend like they Dont but when it boils down to it the t ruth is theyre fucking finding it god damn HILARIOUS  and you KNOW thyre laughing at you behind your back and you’re suh an  idiot and who can you blame except your stupid stupid sel fwhy do you have to fucking FUCK everyhting up qwhy cANT YOU JUST !!! yknow do a singe fucking thing right and i dont know pa rt of me jsut. 

you kno when ur c rying and u just scream at yorself and hit your head and choke yourself but its not enough its never fucking ennough it NEEDS to be more and it isnt the right f ear you HAVE to fucking break something it has to go it has to fucking DIE because youre such a fucking piece of fucking shit and you cant fucking do it right you cant do anything fucking right  and the only thngg you really ufkcing d eserve is to get the shit kicked out of you and i dont know he re i am out here fucking. sob bing like a fucking id iot like a fucking loser and i  ccant stop i cant fucking stop i just fucking WISH i’d shut up be cause ev en im sick of me im so so fucking sick and tir ed of having to fucking deal with the f act i fucking exist and i keep trying but i cant i cant fucking do it any mo re im just a god damn nuisance and a god damn pe st  and i wish  he’d just bother to fucking LOSE IT and push me down the stiar s b ecuse  i dont know its  fuck ing so . horrible to WANT  tha t but part of it is like BGOD KNOWS THATS THE ONLY  PLACE THAT FEELS RIGHT, THE ONLY THING THAT IT FEELS LIKE U CAN DO AND THE THING YOU DESERVE AND i dont know im jsut. imw0jfjspvkdvkdkopkop im being a fucking i diot i know i jsut. i cant  fucking. HEY IM GONNA GO BE SICK AGAIN H

[breakinglovesongs]

I’m scared I’ll never be happy around people. I’m scared the only times I feel comfortable is when I’m alone. I’m scared this is the only way I’ll be okay because I hate being alone. There are so many people in the world and there are so many lives I want in mine and yet when I get to that place it’s like everything in me is saying to leave. I’m scared I’ll never stop running. I’m scared that this fear of ever getting close to someone ever letting them in is going to ruin me. I’m scared the only time I can think clearly is when I’m so low from being constantly hurt by other people. I’m scared I can’t be myself without this emptiness. I’m scared that the artist in me likes the beauty in it too much. I’m scared I like the way it takes my breath away and makes me feel like I’m part of the fog. I’m scared this feeling won’t go away but most of all I’m scared I’m not strong enough to handle it if it doesn’t not colorful enough to make it into something great not enough to do anything but let it consume me

I’m also scared I’m never going to have a normal sleeping pattern again because it’s 7 am and I keep thinking that if I don’t sleep I’ll never feel low again if I can just keep my heart rate up I won’t fall back into feeling that way even though this anxiousness makes my hands shake and my brain think faster than i can react it’s somehow better than the alternative. I want to be comfortable in my skin and content enough that I don’t feel anxious but alive enough to still feel. I get so wound up I forget these feelings could ever have a face that looks back in the mirror and a body too small to keep it all in.

Things I’m going to start telling a therapist soon: part 1 and 2. 1/3/17. Virginia Beach, VA

[stahl-konigin]

i dont even feel like i have the right to even go to anyone about my problems. not even my husband. 

because its the same shit over and over again. 

‘im sad’

‘life sucks’

‘i kinda would like to stop living’

‘i dont have any friends’

‘im tired’

‘i dont have energy’

and its just this endless cycle that obviously needs a professional’s help but i hate myself so much that i dont even think id eserve to get help.

thats so sad...]

[android-13-blog]

I don’t know where else to put it, i know i just cant keep it pent up anymore and its hurting me

stuff regarding an old fandom and my anxiety i guess

cw for abuse, drug and suicide mentions

i dont even kknow where to start, i guess when i first joined the fandom that i wont name for personal reasons, like a year or half before joining the dbz rp scene i guess i was just looking for a place to cope because around that time my brother was an extremely heavy drug user and we’ve had an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship thatd been going on for about 5 years, im not comfortable discussing this out in too much detail publicly

i was skittish and nervous about joining in at first, because everyone seemed so much better like theyd been doing this longer? it was my first real experience in the rp community with like, rules, abouts and other stuff but anyways

it was where i spent most of my time to just...keep everything locked away and ignore my problems. for the most part it was pretty fun and i met a lot of people who emcouraged me and this was back when i wrote like, 6 or 7 paragraph responds, and my writing would improve.

then shipping started happening. it was fun, i had so much fucking fun being happy with my favorite otp and shipping partners. the angst was fun, but i guess thats where it all started to kinda...come out?? i guess

people started like, throwing discourse about there being too much shippy stuff and angst ( we were a fighting video game fandom to give a hint why they were salty but who cares ) and the discourse started becoming more and more apparent. the fandom became more toxic and i guess thats where all my pent up anxiety started to come out

my shipping partner who was close to me become more manipulative and decided to do...unhealthy, abusive threads to spite like, all the discourse about fluff, angst and i wasnt uncomfortable with it bc of the stuff with my brother? and then i started seeing them to other cute fluffy things with someone with the same muse as me and i guess thats where my discomfort with seeing certain pairings come from because it just. reminds me of that partner and im so fucking scared to ship because i dont want people leaving me again, and i understand its perfectly fine to have multiple shipping partners and multiple ships but my anxiety just grew worse and worse over time

more discourse started coming up about people needed mundane things tag and i just, i got so afraid to ask people to tag things and my anxiety grew worse and worse because i was being constantly exposed to things that triggered my anxiety and just

it got so bad where i got constant anon hate for being one of those shippers and id eserve what i got from my brother and it got to the point where i tried to overdose on pills and the cops were called ( it didnt work obviously it wasnt effective enough for me to go to a hospital, my parents are...distrustful towards therapist and all that it fucking sucks )

so i never really got a hold of all that anxiety that came out during that time that i had been surpressing, i left that fandom and joined this one to get away from it but theres some things that just...get me to think about those times and it stresses me out whicfh os why im so...nevous to post about wanting things tagged bc it was such a discoursey thing back in the old fandom??

i dont know what else needs to be said, i guess i just really needed to write it all down, because i know it helps when people read what ive been through it gives me a sense that people are telling me its okay, if that makes sense??

im gonna try and make an effort to be honest and communicate with people to make myself feel better. i know i often try to be as nice as possible because im well aware i can be harsh and mean, but thats also not who i am. im not someone who’s 100% happy all the time so im gonna try to be more honest, if i can? i wont be a downright bitch, thats not who i am either but im gonna try to make myself more assertive

ive just been having a very hard time expressing myself and coping healthily for the past two years and its all coming out in sporadic and almost frequent anxiety episodes and its not something im used to handling and i just

wanna thank everyone who’s been with me and talked me through them it means so much to me and words cannot describe how much i appreciate you

thank you if you stuck through this wall of text, i just needed to write it down

[gesteckt1]

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A reader named Elmars asked us not to use his surname, but we can’t leave him out because his story is remarkable: kit on the rack you see at right was acquired in the Baltic countries and eventually shipped to the USA where Customs became rather interested in X-Ray images of its UPS batteries.“I am a senior systems engineer running a much larger VMware farm for a cloud-based product for the printing industry,” Elmars wrote. “VMware certification is very expensive and I have yet to find an employer willing to stump up the >$5k for the required courses and certification. They are much more willing to throw me a decommissioned server or other gear - sometimes accompanied with the phrase 'knock yourself out'. With at least one supervisor, I was never really sure if it was meant figuratively or literally.“All told, probably about $3k in my own money invested and it has brought me a lot more benefit than a piece of paper titled 'Certified'.”

An ancient IBM dual P3 server (933MHz eServer x340) with 4GB RAM attached to a 1.5TB SCSI storage shelf, and 1TB internal SATA array. A dual-port Intel gigabit NIC makes sure the network floods the backplane at will. A SATA storage shelf that is a work in progress. Two VMware hosts licensed for Essentials. V5.1. The hosts are IBM x3455 machines with two sockets and four cores each and 48GB RAM. “These came out of an HPC shop in Texas for cheap,” Elmars says. “They replaced a pair of first generation IBM x3950 machines I had picked up in Germany. It was cheaper to replace the x3950 machines than to power them as they together ate 1KW just to run at idle and don’t support ESXI 5.x.” The last machine at the bottom is an old Rackable box with 8GB RAM and a pair of 2nd generation Opterons serving as OpenFiler NAS providing the data stores for the ESXi hosts. Elmars adds: "35MB/s sustained write speed is good enough for me." “An HP switch I don't even remember where I picked up.” Kiwi reader Andrew Gall says his lab only looks a little messy because when he took the shot below he’d lived in his current home for just two weeks.

Here's your chance to re-create the Osborne 1. Only in colour. With networking. And no chance of shoulder dislocation. Thanks to the recent explosion in hobbyist electronics - Adafruit and Arduino, I'm looking at you! - the availability of small off-the-shelf HDMI capable LCDs with driver boards has blossomed. There's a variety to choose from 1.5in up, so a Nintendo-scale 'nanobook' isn't totally out of the question.Davies told us the rig below is: “A CloudStack 2.0 implementation using a mix of equipment including Dell R900, R710, T610, R510, three 2850s and AX150 FC SAN, Equallogic PS6000, Power connect switches and a pair of Cisco firewalls.”“With the HP kit, my company have been very supportive and generous over the years and frankly I can't thank them enough. The Sun kit was donated by a friend who works for a hedge fund outside the UK.Nothing in the rig was new, but Chris says it has nonetheless "been incredibly useful to me over the years".Edward Alekxandr says one important element of his lab, which he uses to “learn (and play!) with VMware vSphere [as] we didn't have budget for a test lab at work, is “one very tolerant partner!”

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Edward says the lab: “Kinda expanded to host some apps for my brother-in-law for his car garage as well, but mainly to give me a sandbox to play around without breaking stuff at work.”What kind of stuff? “I've used it to test out upgrading our exchange server to 2010 before doing it for real, and could we replace our fileserver with Solaris 11 zFS (turns out yes!) and de-duplication,” he wrote.Here's one that makes good use of the RPi's other special characteristics: it's really small and physically lightweight. So hanging it on the ceiling next to a projector isn't going to cause the office Stealth & Safety crew too many sleepless nights. And yes, it's cheaper than a dedicated PC. Thanks to some decent LCD/LED projectors out there, for a number of situations it's much cheaper than, say, a 64in display screen.The RPi is ideally suited to the role of weather station: small, low cost and low power. The RPi makes a great data-logger, and you don't even need a network connection, just a large enough SD card. There tools and Python scripts out there to graph your data, or present it via a web page. And once it's up and running, you can contribute your data to shared sites like the WeatherUnderground.

GPIOs make it easy to hook it up to external sensors directly, or there are weather station boards to available to build. You can avoid a soldering iron altogether too: kits from Maplin or RS (for less than £60) that include all the basic pre-built sensors, or open source tools like Weewx let you talk to professional USB-compatible weather stations.John Robson’s rig, which he used to do some serious work on Seti@Home, represents the most unusual location, as is visible below.The rig is defunct but once comprised 17 PCs “from a P166 (on firewall duties) to a Dual CPU P III 800 (the 1GHz Athlon (water cooled@1.2GHz) downstairs, all on a 10MB hub (not switch) and running flat out doing SETI@Home processing, with a local data cache of three days.”John notes: “17 PCs in a one bedroom flat was a little excessive, and it has mostly been donated/mothballed.”We’re happy about that, as the roof cavity location of John’s lab looks a far from ideal location for a computer of any sort, never mind 17 humming away producing heat.

John worried about that too, telling us “the tallest machine (on the left) used to run a little warm - the case still has rubber embedded into the top from when the feet of the keyboard melted.”David Given had the most exotic rig, as the server he has set up to drive his website and do what he calls “the usual routing/caching/proxying/firewalling/fileserving roles” has a motherboard built from “a customised Mele A1000 set-top box, based on a Cortex-A8 ARM core with 512MB RAM. For storage it has a 64GB Kingston SSD and 2TB Seagate spinning disk.“The big black square on top which makes it hard to photograph is a sound-absorbing baffle made out of a neoprene mouse pad. The console is an old laptop plugged in via USB.”Ashley Black runs a mail server VPN he uses to access resources at work and a home network from “the little under-stairs cupboard that even Harry Potter would find cramped.”The Reg wishes Tim and all those who took time to send us descriptions and images of their home labs all the best with their efforts. And their power bills.

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Is he having a laugh? Nope, thanks to apps like OwnCloud and BarracudaDrive, you too can jump on the latest bandwagon for under £30. Yes, you really can run a cloud server from your RPi. Why would you want to? The sales pitch is that it avoids the possible privacy issues of Box, Dropbox, iCloud and their ilk, but it also helps to get around over-enthusiastic firewalls at work. Plus, turns out a cloud server on the local network is really just a self-important NAS server. Who knew?As someone clearly on the mortally-wounded side of morbidly obese, I have found it personally upsetting that one can't as yet purchase a set of speak-your-weight bathroom scales featuring a choice of 'No coach parties, please'-style repartee. A niche market missed, I think. No matter. It is but the work of a moment (ahem) to whip up a RPi connected set of scales, and some Python scripts to play and display the appropriate (health warning) message.

Asterisk, the well-known open source telephone tool, will quite happily compile and run on an RPi, handling up to ten calls (or conference participants) without apparent strain. Getting your landline connected to your RPi may take some fiddling, and you'll need some external hardware. There are also options for ISDN connections. Just remember, you're saving on the PC hardware. But if you're just trying it out, you can configure it to use SIP instead. Before you know it, you'll be configuring voice-gaol, caller id, and cheesy country and western hold-music.Here's one just for the non-UK brethren, clearly. Turns out that with some pre-compiled C and a short piece of wire, you can trick the RPi's GPIO pin four into broadcasting FM Radio. How cool is that? So why aren't we being swamped by teenager pirate radio stations? It's certainly illegal in the UK. With a decent 75Ω aerial, a no band-pass filter and a following wind, the mighty calculations say you're looking at a signal strength somewhere in the 9-14mW range, well over the 50nW UK limit. Hey ho.