#i should end it its safer in places that i inow

[breakinglovesongs]

I’m scared I’ll never be happy around people. I’m scared the only times I feel comfortable is when I’m alone. I’m scared this is the only way I’ll be okay because I hate being alone. There are so many people in the world and there are so many lives I want in mine and yet when I get to that place it’s like everything in me is saying to leave. I’m scared I’ll never stop running. I’m scared that this fear of ever getting close to someone ever letting them in is going to ruin me. I’m scared the only time I can think clearly is when I’m so low from being constantly hurt by other people. I’m scared I can’t be myself without this emptiness. I’m scared that the artist in me likes the beauty in it too much. I’m scared I like the way it takes my breath away and makes me feel like I’m part of the fog. I’m scared this feeling won’t go away but most of all I’m scared I’m not strong enough to handle it if it doesn’t not colorful enough to make it into something great not enough to do anything but let it consume me

I’m also scared I’m never going to have a normal sleeping pattern again because it’s 7 am and I keep thinking that if I don’t sleep I’ll never feel low again if I can just keep my heart rate up I won’t fall back into feeling that way even though this anxiousness makes my hands shake and my brain think faster than i can react it’s somehow better than the alternative. I want to be comfortable in my skin and content enough that I don’t feel anxious but alive enough to still feel. I get so wound up I forget these feelings could ever have a face that looks back in the mirror and a body too small to keep it all in.

Things I’m going to start telling a therapist soon: part 1 and 2. 1/3/17. Virginia Beach, VA