#its not just cutting this is going to ease the dysphoria its this shit is long and greasy and it makes me feel bad yk | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

forthehpfanboys · 4 years ago

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Missing Piece

Pair: Sirius Black x Reader; he/him: transmasculine reader.

Summary: Life has been tricky since he was taken. You felt jumbled, like a screwed up puzzle, but pieces slowly fall into place. Sirius is one of those pieces and he’s never leaving again.

Warnings: dysphoria, hints of depression, fluffy fluff, Harry is your son

Notes: Please excuse the shit nickname- I tried! Enjoy guys!

~DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE~

You found out while he was at Azkaban. You had been counting the years since he was taken, when your life suddenly turned dim and cold, when nothing made sense. Everything went from a happily every after to a shattered mess of puzzle pieces. Your identity became one of the only pieces that seemed to find its spot easily and it was comforting to know there was a term for what you were. Lupin said it was normal and it wouldn’t bother his friend, but that didn’t ease the anxiety you held about your lover’s reaction to how you have changed. A stronger jaw, less curves, more muscle, more testosterone than before. A lot had changed between when Sirius last saw you and doubt was always in the back of your mind.

What if he hated it? Even Tonks kept saying he wouldn’t, that he, of all of them, would understand, but the thought kept plaguing you. What if he never wanted to see you again? He was, quiet literally, your entire world. Maybe it was selfish to start changing yourself without him. Maybe it wasn’t, but you couldn’t wait any longer. Some days it got so bad you couldn’t look at yourself in the mirror and showers only got harder the longer you went without the potion treatment.

You had donated your bras, skinny jeans, heals, skirts- everything that triggered your dysphoria. Remus was kind enough to help you pick out shoes and a suit for the occasional formal event, should it be needed. Hell, even Tonks helped you figure out how binders work for the days where taking the potion felt like too much work and was there to cut and style your hair when needed. You wore his clothes instead of the crap in your closet, even if they were too big for you. It helped you cope with missing him and the shit in your head. You changed your name after some research, finally landing on (Y/n). It made you feel like you. It was perfect.

Lupin and Tonks all but moved into your apartment to make sure you were eating, sleeping, just functioning in general. The couple did so much for you. You owed them so much. You offered to join the Order of the Phoenix, but they declined, politely stating they couldn’t put you at danger. The werewolf told you he’d made a promise to your love that he and Tonks would do their absolute best to keep you safe and it only kinda upset you. Understanding why was easy, but being away from a certain young wizard with a scar across his forehead was hard. You wanted to see Harry, keep him safe, keep him healthy. He was basically your son after all.

Currently, you were standing in front of the couch, decked out in a baggy shirt and shorts, bags under your eyes and stress wrinkles across your forehead. You were almost arguing with the werewolf who desperately wanted sleep while you wanted to see the young boy.

“Remus, please.” Your voice cracked as you begged. Those were happening a lot more often now that you were a good few months on hormone potions. “At least let me see the kid again.” You ran your fingers through your hair, effectively making it messier than it already was. He could tell just by looking at you that you desperately needed a pick-me-up. He and Tonks did lock you inside the house and they both knew it was either say yes or you sneak out soon enough.

“Ok. Ok, fine.” The tall man started with a sigh, his hands going to his pockets out of habit. “But only, only, if he meets you meet him at a safe house.” He let out a silent laugh when he saw your eyes light up with joy. He hasn’t seen you smile like this in a while. It was worth it.

“Thank you, Moony!” You pulled him into a hug.

“No problem, King.” Lupin patted you on the back, using the nickname they deemed you way back when the Marauders were a thing between them. Once you pulled away, he put a hand on your shoulder to stop you from walking away. “I’ll take you there tomorrow. It’d probably be best if you stayed there anyway. It is a safehouse.” Lupin said the last bit more to himself. He gave you a smile before heading off to his temporary bedroom, Dora following behind him.

It was getting late, around 10pm anyway, but you didn’t feel a lick tired. You were buzzing with excitement. You were gonna be able to see Harry in less than 24 hours. You allowed yourself to fall back against the couch, a sigh of relief leaving your lips. Your hands ran down your face and you desperately wanted to be held by Sirius. You missed him. Harry, unlike your love, knew you were transitioning and didn’t give two licks, he was happy if you were happy.

You laid across the couch, hands across your flat chest as you stared up at the ceiling. A grin was plastered across your face. Another piece fell into place of the puzzle. You knew you loved Harry as a son. You let out a relieved sigh, your eyes fluttering shut. You stayed like that for a good hour, your excitement allowing your brain to tie itself with ideas and useless thoughts. You didn’t remember falling asleep when you woke.

“King, come on.” A voice finally snapped you out of your slumber. You rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, noticing a woman standing by the couch. “Did you sleep in your binder again?” Dora sighed out, her eyes staring into yours while you sit up. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she shook her head.

“Sorry, Tonks. I forgot.” You stated the obvious as he stretched your arms above your head.

“Don’t say sorry to me, say it to your ribs.” The metamorphmagus teased. “But seriously, go take it off and shower. Let yourself breath.” She patted your head and walked off to the kitchen, where Lupin was already sipping his morning tea.

You trudged yourself to the closet, ignoring the soft throbbing in the right side of your ribs and opened the door. Ignoring the loud creak, you grabbed a towel, then walked to the bedroom you used to share. You pulled out a flannel t-shirt, a clean binder, boxers and a pair of jeans. With even more trudge in your step, you went over to the bathroom, shutting the door behind you. Your eyes avoided the mirror as you set your clothes and towel down on the counter, keeping your eyes down.

You grabbed the back of your shirt, pulled it over your head and threw it off to the side, trying to ignore the mirror out of the corner of your eye. Clearing your throat, you repeated the action with your binder, choosing the ceiling as a much prettier sight than your chest.

“Ah, yes. Today is one of those days.” You mumbled out, trying to finish this as quickly as possible. You finished stripping down and stepped into the shower, making the water a little hotter than usual. After letting the water bounce off your skin for a good 30 minutes, you scrubbed yourself down, finishing your wash routine before turning off the water and stepping back out. Your eyes met the mirror and stared into your reflection before covering yourself quickly with a towel.

Once you were dry, you got dressed starting with boxers, then your binder. It was a struggle, of course it would be. It managed to stick to your skin even though it felt dry enough. Shifting everything into a comfortable position, you tugged the flannel on. With each button, you felt a weight slide off your shoulders. It was already easier to breathe, easier to just function and think.

Once you were clothed and had taken care of your hygiene, you stepped out of the bathroom, hurrying to the kitchen to meet with the other two residents of the flat. You sat down at the kitchen table, waving your wand to lazily pour a cup of (tea/pop/coffee/hot cocoa/ whatever you want).

“How did you sleep, (Y/n)?” Lupin spoke, setting his, now empty tea cup on the table, smiling across the table.

“Better than usual.” You smiled at him, fiddling with the unbuttoned collar of your shirt. “I am really excited to see Harry though!” You held a bright smile on your face as you gazed down at your mug. “Where is this safe house, anyway? And why haven’t I been there sooner?”

“Just a building called Grimmauld Place. We have to be careful coming and going. Don’t want it to be too obvious, now do we?” Dora spoke as she set a plate of food in front of you. She took her place next to her husband, a mug in her hands filled with tea, no doubt.

“Speaking of being careful, I should head there first, make sure the coast is clear.” Lupin spoke up.

“So, we’re leaving soon?” You asked between mouthfuls of the masterly crafted breakfast. Lupin nodded as he handed you a napkin to clean up the egg yolk dripping down your chin.

“As soon as you finished ea- No, slow down- You’re gonna choke-” Lupin spoke, a hand running down his face while Dora snorted into her cup. Lupin turned to her look at her quickly, a smile across his lips. “No, don’t laugh, it’s only going to encourage him.” He then turned back to you, pointing. “And you. If you kill yourself before Harry graduates, I swear to Merlin himself, I will end you.” Dora almost choked on her drink.

Another piece of the puzzle fell into it’s perfect spot. Your friends. You knew they cared about you, loved you and you’d never truly be alone. When you finished literally inhaling your breakfast you slid your plate forward, smiling at the couple. It was so nice to see them acting like the world wasn't almost burning to all Hell.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” You clapped your hands together and stood up fast rough to knock your chair to the ground.

“No, wash the plate first.” Lupin teased, his grin growing wider when you groaned in annoyance. He rose from his own seat, maneuvering around the table to your side. “And pick up your chair, King! We’re not animals.” Moony said, patting you on the shoulder before walking out of the kitchen.

“You’re a werewolf and I’m an animagus. What are you talking about?” You spoke up, fixing your chair. You whined after hearing the familiar pop of apparition. Honestly, in the time that you’d spent here, you almost forgot apparition was a thing that wizards learn to do. That led you on a train of thought leading back to becoming an animagus. You could vividly remember figuring out how to do the process with James, Peter and Sirius when you were just younglings and let out a soft snicker. You remember offering to do it first, since all the men were being big babies about it and just the look of complete shock when you 4 managed to nail it was something to treasure.

You snorted. The look of shock wasn’t just because you guys nailed the process, it was also over your animagus form. A big golden lion with a full maine and a mouth full of razor sharp teeth did scare them, rightfully so. It did give you a boss nickname though. Dora’s chuckling had dragged you back to reality.

“The faster you wash it, the faster we leave.” The woman stood from her seat, exiting the room on that note. She only laughed louder when you groaned again. You cleaned up your plate, mumbling about how you were far from being a child the whole time. “Did you actually do it?” Tonks asked when you walked out, her body leaning against the door frame with a smirk clear across your lips.

“Yes, mom.” You spoke while crossing your arm over your chest, a pout on your face. She rolled her eyes and reached out for you. Once you were holding her hand, she apparated the two of you so you were standing just outside the building. “..What?” you smiled, examining the front of the brown, rundown looking building. “Wait- this? This is the safe house?” You snickered, eyeing the building with a cocked brow.

“Give it a second.” Tonks shot you a smirk. Suddenly, the building began to shake and tremble and- wait, separate? No, it was just growing in length.

“Whoa!” Your eyes sparkled with excitement. Magic was absolutely amazing- you keep forgetting how awesome it can be. “Godric, I love this. Can I live here?”

“Isn’t up to me. Come on.” Tonks led you to the front door of the newly founded addition and just walked inside, acting like she owned the place. The minute the door opened, you could hear many voices piling over themselves, some laughter and- was that Molly’s voice? Laughs and more voices caused you to stop halfway in the doorway. Anxiety bubbled in your stomach as you hurried after tonks, who didn’t even seem to notice you stopping.

“Wait, who else is here?” You stepped deeper down the hallway, eyes running along the peeling wallpaper and dusty nicknacks.

“You’ll see.”

Ah, fuck. She’s up to something.

“What is it?” You spoke up again. “Tonks?” She just kept walking down the aisle to the door straight in front of her. “Dora? Dora, please tell m-” she pushed open the door, revealing a space filled to the brim with red-heads, a brunette and a noirette. “Harry!” You all but ran to the kid, pulling him into a hug once he stood up. He wrapped his arms around you, letting out a shout when you picked him up and spun him around. The red-headed family couldn’t help but laugh and chuckle at his high pitched yell.

When you finally set the boy down, you cupped his face and checked him for injuries or cuts or any cracks on his lenses.

“Are you ok? How have you been? Did the Dursleys start shit again? Godric, I told them to let you stay with me.”

“(Y/n)! (Y/n), I’m fine!” Harry stated between laughs, trying to swat your hands away from his face. “I’m ok. I’m just glad you’re ok.” Harry fixed his askew glasses, a lopsided smile on his face.

“Godric, why didn’t you write?”

“I’m honestly fine.”

“You know the Dursleys.”

“So, you aren't ok?”

“I swear to Merl-” You were interrupted by someone clearing their throat. The sudden noise had you jumping 4 feet in the air. You spun around to see Lupin in the doorway, a grin on his face. You could see the shadow of someone behind him, which had you tilting your head. “Lupin? Where were you?”

“I had to pick someone up.” Lupin steeped deeper into the already cluttered room. The person behind him stepped in.

“Sirius!” Harry called out, running to the man. He almost knocked over the fellow niorette in a hug, his familiar chuckle filling the rom.

“Hey, kid! Didn’t think I’d leave that easily, did you?”

His familiar voice faded in the back of your mind as you looked at him. It was like the entire world stopped. It was blissful but burning at the same time. You continued to stare at your love, the only noise you could hear was your blood pounding in your ears. You didn’t think you were going to see him so soon- you thought you had time to prepare some kind of speech, explain everything and anything he needed to know. You couldn’t stop staring at his eyes filled to the brim with admiration for the young wizard, but your heart stopped when they turned to you, piercing your mind.

You were frozen with panic. It was too hot and loud and you couldn’t think straight. What if he didn’t approve? What if he left? You didn’t notice how hard you were biting your lip or how you actually held your breath. You were acutely aware of everything. How everyone was staring at you, how they kept looking between you and him and held their breath, how Sirius was walking toward you, how he was still taller than you, ho- Wait, he was walking toward you?

Warm hands cupped your cheeks, effectively yanking you from the darkest spot in your head. Did he even recognize you?

“King?” His voice didn’t hold hate or judgement. His eyes traveled your face noting the dark rings under your eyes, the small stubble across your upper lip and chin and how your jaw looked strong enough to cut diamonds. He had a strong urge to make up for lost time, but that could wait.

Galloping griffins did he miss you.

“Yeah, Padfoot-?” A nervous smile coming across your lips, which the tall man found himself staring at.

“Merlin's beard, I missed you.” His voice was soft, airy. Sirius couldn’t help but pull you into a bone crushing hug. He was literally squeezing the life out of you before everything clicked. “You.. You look.. Different.” His soft voice was right by your ear.

“You don’t hate me?” You wheezed out, arms stuck to your side.

“What?! No, I could never hate you!” He pulled back, his hands coming to your shoulders. “What’s got that idea in your head?” His gray eyes staring into yours.

“I changed a lot-” You looked down at the gray tiles of the dining room floor.

“So have I, babe.”

“This is different, Sirius! I’m not the-the gir-” You couldn’t push the word out. It hurt too much. You tilted your head in confusion, your eyebrows furrowing when he started laughing.

“Godric, King! I wasn’t dating you for your gender! I was- I am dating you for you!.” Padfoot moved a stray strand of hair out of his face. “Besides, I’m the criminal here! If anyone should be worried about their partner leaving them, it should be me!” He was laughing. He was laughing and it was the best fucking sound you’ve heard in a long time.

Everything was hitting you like a sack of bricks. Sirius still wanted to be with you and he loved you. He didn’t care if you were taking hormones and wearing a binder. He was out of Azkaban and in your arms… But for how long.

“Hey, hey. I’m not going anywhere any time soon. Padfoot is here to stay!” Sirius smirked, pulling you close to his chest again. “Now come on! I wanna know about (Y/n) and what happened to him while I was gone.”

“How do yo-”

“Moony told me, babe.” He took your wrist and led you to the living room. He sat down on the couch, patting the seat next to him. Sirius was giving you the softest smile. “Now, come on. Tell me what happened while I was gone.” He held his arms out, shooting you a smile.

You sat down beside him on the couch, leaning into Sirius’ side as you told him story after story of what he missed after he was gone. He barely spoke up besides making the occasional joke about Lupin or Harry. The ex-criminal stared down at you while you waved your hands about, a smile across your face while you talked about the time Tonks managed to corner werewolf Remus in the corner of the house just by bossing him around. He let this sink in. He knew he missed you, but holy hell, he didn't realize how body he needed you by his side.

You looked up at him in the middle of your story, noticing how Padfoot’s gray eyes were sparkling with joy and a dopey smile on his face. You let out a soft laugh.

“You’re staring.”

“I- what?” His reaction caused you to laugh a bit louder.

“Padfoot, you were staring at me.”

“Yeah? And what about it, King?” He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him, a cocky smirk tugging at his lips. “Got a problem with me admiring your handsomeness?”

“Oh no, not at all.” You could feel your face getting warmer while your smile grew wider.

“Ok, good! Cause I’m gonna keep staring at you. I spent ffaarr to long away from you and I think we should make up for lost time.” Sirius’ hands drew circles along your hip bones, his face mere inches from yours.

“Oh yea?” Your eyes bounced between his lips and his eyes. You watched him nod and start to lean in, so you pulled back ever so slightly. “How are we gonna do that, Siri?”

Sirius let out a loud laugh at the old nickname before pressing his lips to yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck, your eyes fluttering shut as you returned the kiss back. When you pulled away, he pressed his forehead to yours, whispering how much he loves you.

His love was another puzzle piece that fit in your messy life. Sure, there were still hundreds of pieces that didn’t fit, but that didn’t matter right now. The only thing that truly did matter was how Sirius was with you and now, he was safe. All of you were safe.

#sirius black x male reader #sirius black #sirius black x trans masc reader #sirius black x trans reader #lupin remus #harry potter #dora tonks #tonks #male reader #trans male reader #x male reader #x trans reader #Ronny Writes #fic #hp male fic #hp fic

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trekkie-in-space · 4 years ago

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KakagaiWeek2020 - Day 5 - Mirror

Author : JackB

Rating : General Audience

Words : 2436

Resume : Kakashi come back from a mission exhausted, Gai come to pay him a visit and end up caring for him.

Tag : exhaustion, fluff, trans kakashi, gender dysphoria, caring, body nudity, non-sexualized nudity, baths, haircut …, prosopagnosia, confusion, not established relationship but damn close, domestic, touch starved kakashi

___

There is always a moment after a long mission, when you finally step inside your home knowing you’re free of duty for the next hours or day, where the exhaustion accumulated just come crashing all at once. For Kakashi this time it’s right when he locks his door behind him. He wants to let himself fall on the floor but then he knows he won’t have the strength to get up. Or, at least, it would take too much effort to.

Instead we walk slowly through his modest flat and strip down from his uniform, placing all his weapons and gear exactly where they should be, cleaning is for tomorrow but it doesn’t mean his flat has to be a mess. As he unfolds his hitai-ate he can feel his hair fall on his face. They were already long when he left, almost time for him to cut them but the mission had started earlier and during the six weeks he spends on it he didn’t quite find the time to cut them during the mission. They are always required to leave as little trail as possible, leaving strand of hair somewhere doesn’t quite fit with that.

His hair annoys him. They are not that long but long enough to cause him problem.

He walks to his bathroom and the picture the mirror send him of himself is not one he likes. He pushes his mask down and rub some water on his face. His fingers pass on his week-old beard and he hates it too. Cleaning can really be impossible during missions, he feels filthy. And to be fair, he is.

He pushes his hair back and can make a pathetic excuse of a pony tail with his hand. Like that he looks like his father. He releases his hair and now he looks like a girl. The exact two things he doesn’t want to look like.

Normally he would take scissors and start cutting but he is too tired to even organize the step in his head to do that. He knows he needs a haircut, but to do it now feels impossibly exhausting. But it’s not like he’s going to go to bed without one. So he stays, staring at his reflection, as anger and disgust birth in his chest the more he looks at himself. He hates it, he hates what he sees. But all he can do is await for his own will to do what he needs to do. To erase the person he has in front of him and find himself again.

He looks at the bathtub.

Why does everything has to be exhausting ?

He hears his window being open but doesn’t have time to wonder who is intruding before he hears the joyful voice of Gai calling for him. “Kakashi ! You’re back !”

Gai, of course.

It’s been nearly two months since they last saw each other, of course, Gai would come at the instant the word of Kakashi return from his mission passed on to him.

“Where are you ?” He says as he close distance with the bathroom. Kakashi doesn’t bother informing Gai where he is, his flat isn’t big enough for one to get lost in it. As he see the door of the bathroom open, he doesn’t bother putting his mask back up. Gai is the only person he doesn’t mind seeing his face, mostly because Gai can’t remember his face anyway. It’s pretty harmless.

“You’re back.” He says fondly, his smile is wide and it gives Kakashi a certain sense of comfort he is definitely lacking right now.

“Not now Gai. I’m tired.” His tone is pathetically weak.

“Are you crying ?”

“No.” He has to check in the mirror to make sure.

It’s not a lie, he is not crying, he is just on the verge of it. It’s just exhaustion searching any outlet to let go, or maybe the disgust he has to see his own face that way. It doesn’t matter in the end. He is upset and he need to rest.

“What do you want ?”

“Just wanted to see you, I leave early tomorrow.” Kakashi nod. Watching his reflection again, he plays with his hair, up and down, up and down. Gai watch him silently.

“Look.” Kakashi turn to him and hold his hair in a ponytail. “I look like my father.” Then he releases his hair. “And now like a girl. My father.. A girl.” He sighs and mutter a ‘hate it’ under his breath.

Gai walk to him and gently grab his hair to fold them in a ponytail. They are dirty and greasy, full of dirt, sand and dried blood. The warm touch is almost too much for Kakashi, he wants to lean in Gai calloused hands but resist the urge.

“Even like that you don’t look like your father.”

“You don’t even know what my father looked like.”

“Fair, but still, you’re not even close to look like him.” He release Kakashi’s hair and they fall back on his face. “And you don’t look like a girl either.” Kakashi roll his eye. “You look like you.”

“I look like shit.”

“Yeah that too.”

He walks past Kakashi to open the water for the bathtub, the liquid flow abundantly, soon steam will cover the mirror.

“Now let’s get you out of this.. ” He grabs what is left of Kakashi uniform and push it up. Kakashi comply easily. Layers and layers are removed until the only thing left is Kakashi’s binder.

He removes it himself, sighing with ease and immediately stretching. He looks up to Gai, busy searching for his hair scissors and combs. Normally he wouldn’t remove his binder in front of people but Gai already saw him naked on more than one occasion and he is too tired and sore to care. Gai never made him feel like out of place even bare and raw like that. The bath is filling up nicely but not yet enough for him to sink in its warms.

“Sit here.” Gai guide before leaving. He comes back with two wooden boxes and pause as he sees Kakashi strip down from his pants. His eyes dart away more for privacy than anything else, but again, it’s not the first time he’d seen Kakashi naked and the snort he gives him is enough for Gai not to care much more. Even if it’s been some time, they’re pretty unbashul about their own nudity in front of each other. Gai never saw him for less than who he is, regardless of details.

“Brought us food before coming.” He hands his rival one of the boxes.

They start eating, Kakashi with more eagerness than he thought he had. He guesses he just want this out of the way.

Gai stay pretty silent, and Kakashi is grateful, because he doesn’t have much strength to talk nor to listen. The few words they exchange are more practical than friendly. ‘Are you injured ?’ ‘Do you need anything in particular ?’ ‘was the mission successful ?’

His answers are short, and he doesn’t bother to care about anything. Gai will tell him when the bath is ready.

Sinking in the water is an absolute pleasure. And when he emerges, head wet, Gai hand are already on him. Gently rubbing the soap in his hair until there are enough matter and foam to work. His hands are gentle yet firm, solid on his scalp and Kakashi swear he could sleep under them as Gai massage his scalp.

“I thought you came to see me, not take care of me ?”

Gai snort. “I came to see you and saw you could use an extra hand with how tired you are.”

“Hm.. ”

Gai thoroughly combs away the dirty and blood from Kakashi’s hair until they are clean. Then grab for the scissors. Kakashi is not too worried, Gai already cut his hair a few times, he knows what he likes. He’s more than ready to get rid of the extra hair, as Gai comb his hair straight he feels how long they are and he hates it.

“So, we go for a bowl cut then.. ”

“No !” Kakashi roar with a quick move back. A move of his hand and he splatter Gai with water. The latter explode in a big laugh.

“I’m kidding.”

“Don’t you dare touch my hair.”

“Don’t worry, your hair are too much of a mess. You could never rock a bowl cut as great as mine.” He says while moving his head a bit, letting his hair flow easily with the movement. Soft and supple as always. Gai is proud of himself and manage to drag a small laugh from Kakashi. He reaches for his hair and Gai let him. They’re like silk to the touch, not rough like his tend to be.

“What do you do to get them like that ?”

“It’s the power of youth !” He says brightly.

“And concretely ?”

“Youth and passion Kakashi you don’t need much more.”

“Then my hair is telling me I’m an old man.”

“Also your soap doesn’t fit for your hair.”

“Soap is soap.” Gai shake his head. “Soap is soap !”

“I will buy you soap and you will see.” Kakashi roll his eye. “Do you think your hair will get whiter when you grow old ?”

“If I grow old. And they are silver, not white. I already have a few white one though, it’s weird.” Gai chuckle and make a move of the hand for Kakashi to come closer. “No bowl cut !”

“No bowl cut.” Gai agree.

“Make it messy.”

“I know.”

Gai start cutting, careful to make it messy in a fitting kind of way. He slaps Kakashi’s hand away.

“Stop touching your hair when I’m cutting I need a global view.” Kakashi pout and barely stop, Gai finish on one side and he is already checking the length.

“Make it shorter.”

“Did I say I was finished ? I will come back to this side.”

“Waste of time.”

“Haircut need precision.”

“Yours do.”

“Turn around I will do the back.”

A few hair falls in the bath but mostly Gai pile them on the side. It’s getting messier and messier but it’s always like that with haircut and wet hair.

When both Gai and Kakashi seem satisfied Kakashi ask for a mirror, instead Gai bring back a razor and cream.

“I can do it myself.”

“You will cut yourself, you’re too tired.” He says while handling Kakashi’s face in his hand to cover his beard with cream. “Plus the mirror is covered with steam.”

He’s firm yet gentle and with an assured move start shaving his face. Careful around Kakashi’s mole, he makes quick work of it. Which is a shame because his calloused hands on his freshly shaved skin feel good. Kakashi touch his face and smile, it’s smooth just how he likes it. Gai is rubbing the mist out of the mirror and hand it to him.

“You like it ?”

“It’s good.” He yawn. “It’s better.”

Next, Gai grabs the soap and rub it against a washcloth. Dirt and blood come easily out of Kakashi after he’s been bathing in the hot water, both are washing out the filth, Kakashi mostly focused on the part he doesn’t want to be touched by someone else, like his chest. While Gai focus more on his back and arms and Kakashi can’t help but relax to his touch. During the mission being touched is dangerous, in the safety of the village and his home, it’s a rare delight.

He is not used to being touched, but sometime, like right now, he wishes he could have more of it.

Gai is about to leave Kakashi the washcloth so he can continue down but Kakashi grab his hand and plunge it in the bath, guiding it to his legs. Gai follow the movement easily and stop when he sense where it’s going. Feeling his restrain Kakashi whispers.

“What about this extra hand ? To help me.”

“It’s just that generally you prefers do it yourself.”

“Hm, just help me finish this quickly. I need to sleep.”

Gai comply, he is careful in his touch but Kakashi doesn’t seem to care regardless, helping a bit but mostly letting Gai do the job. It lead to much proximity between the two. And Kakashi realise how natural it feels. He lean closer watching Gai’s face with attention taken by the moment, he grabs Gai by the collar and press his lips against his. Gai turn his head away.

“I thought you liked me.” He is confused and bitter.

“I do more than just like you.” Gai emphasize the word ‘like’ with disdain and nearly disgust, as if just liking Kakashi is an insult.

“Then why ?”

“Because you’re exhausted, you don’t have a clear mind. It’s not the right time.”

“What if it’s the only time ?”

“What if it’s just now ? Your only chance. You will pass it ?” Gai doesn’t need long to think.

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t know what else I expected.” Gai chuckle. “Still it’s not f..” Kakashi give a long yawn that leave him even more shut down than before. “Fun.” Gai passe his hand in his hair and he close his eye to the touch.

The rejection isn’t too bitter, because he already forgetting the moment and also because Gai never stop being loving toward him. He feels himself falling asleep and rest his head against his rival’s shoulder, helping a bit with the washing because the faster they finish the faster he can go to sleep.

He barely registers when he is pulled out of the water, he awakes an instant drying himself quickly as Gai gently dry his hair. A loose shirt and clean underwear later, he clung on Gai, pleading for his bed.

Gai guide him, resisting the need to lift him to be quicker. When he lay in him bed Kakashi doesn’t want to let go.

“Sleep with me.”

“You’re sure ?”

“Hm yes.”

“Alright, let go.”

“No sleep with me.”

“Give me a sec, I will join you.”

Gai strip down from his own uniform and borrow one of Kakashi loose shirt before joining him in bed. Kakashi, who refused to sleep until Gai joined him, promptly fall asleep against him.

When he awake the next day, Gai is already gone. How long will it be until they see each other again is pretty uncertain. But he looks forward to it.

End.

#KAKAGAIWEEK #KKGWEEK #KAKAGAI #KAKAGAI WEEK 2020 #KAKASHI #MAITO GAI #GAI #KAKASHI HATAKE

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edgypasta-headcanons · 4 years ago

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Villain Action Squad Class S

(Let’s just say this is the secret squad ‘UA’ created for Villain Disasters and they’re the first in line to take care of. Slenderman tweaked this shit up because of getting into UA without arousing suspicion.)

Teachers/Mentor(s)

Dr. Richard H. Smiley

Emitter

Alias

- The Doctor

Quirk

- Science Magik(?)

TBA

Students

Jeff Woods

Emitter

Alias

- Hodek

Quirk

- Killer Instinct

"Ultimate Killing Machine". Jeff possesses instincts to kill by any means and in the most effective ways possible, use anything at hand to do so and have no mental issues or moral dilemmas either before, during, or after the deed. He is, in short, cold and merciless killer. He can also give off a murderous aura, inducing fear into his opponents.

Benjamin Lawman

Transformer

Alias

- Ben Drowned

Quirk - Technologic

Ben becomes the embodiment or personification of technology, granting him limitless or near-limitless control overall technology. He can control the flow of intricate machinery, and assemble or disengage their programming at will and operate most technology at distance.

Jack Nicholis

Mutant-Transformer

Alias

- Eyeless Jack

Quirk - Chernobog

He is able to become a demonic creature of unimaginable power. He has innumerable powers that are beyond the comprehension of that of lesser demonic beings. Although it’s rare for him to change into his full-demon form, Jack has the ability to use a good chunk of his abilities with ease without breaking a sweat.

Tim Wright

Emitter

Alias

- Masky

Quirk

- Thousand-Mile Eyes

Either using himself or with the use of Telesynchronization, he can see a viewing radius of at least fifty meters. It also allows him to also perform accurate calculations, analyze the area at high speeds, and allows for a Soul Perception-like ability to accurately gauge the power of an individual via his soul and to distinguish types of being.

Brian Thomas

Emitter

Alias

- Hoodie

Quirk

- Guns

Using the metal minerals in his body, he’s able to create any kind of gun and ammunition out of his hands. The more minerals he consumes the more guns and ammunition he can produce

Nina Hopkins

Emitter?

Alias

- Yandere-Chan

Quirk

- Chiropteran Blood

Similar to Jeff’s and Stain’s quirk but not quite. Once she gets the smell and/or taste of blood, she’ll go ballistic. Making her into a near-unstoppable killing machine with a deadly blood type running through her veins. Whoever was to ingest her blood, their blood can crystallize and immediately kill them.

Jane Richardson

Emitter

Alias

- Lady in Black

Quirk

- Heavenly Garments

Jane as the ability to create either her own or other’s undergarments into deadly weapons. Underwear such as any kind of panties, boxers, or briefs can change into guns, bras change to either war hammers or battle-axes, stockings or knee socks change to bladed weapons, etc.

Jonathan Blake

Mutant

Alias

- The Puppeteer

Quirk

- Puppetry

Jonathan has poltergeist-like physiology whereas he can phase through solid surfaces with ease and secrete ectoplasm if given. He is very skilled in handling his strings as a weapon and an overall tool for when needed. They are able to pierce through flesh if needed, but not any other material such as wood, metal, concrete. His strings are fairly strong and will not snap easily. The strings are made from the same ectoplasm as his insides are, therefore he’s able to produce the strings through any other place of his body as well. He’s been seen to produce strings through places like his mouth and nostrils as well, though this surely felt very uncomfortable for him. The strings can reach a length of about 15 meters (50 feet) and hold up to around 200 kg in weight (440 lbs).

Natalie Ouellette

Emitter

Alias

- Clockwork

Quirk

- Time Loop

She can trap anyone into a reiterating time stream where everything inside the loop is restarted precisely every so often, possibly even backward. She is able to force someone to relive the same minute, hour, day, week, month, year, etc. for as long as she keeps them there. But she’s only able to keep up this illusionary power for the max of 15 minutes to a half-hour before they come back to real-time.

Toby Rogers

Emitter

Alias

- Ticci Toby

Quirk

- Vibration Emission

Vibration Emission gives Toby the ability to generate vibrations, or shock waves, which can travel through virtually any medium, most notably he uses this ability to shake things he touches with his hands. It also causes his stuttered speech and body ticks.

Satine Walker

Mutant

Alias

- Dracul

Quirk

- Princes of Hell

Satine has the ability to become a demonic entity that has a long-range of capabilities and powers. She can use multiple of these at the same time without causing any damage to herself and uses them to hunt, catch, and/or kill her targets

Darkelle Kimura

Emitter-Mutant

Alias

- Deimos

Quirk

- Lunar Child

She can create, shape, and manipulate darkness and shadows. By itself, darkness is mostly used to cloud everything into total darkness, but by accessing a dimension of dark energy it can be channeled to a variety of effects, create and dispel shields and areas of total darkness, create constructs and weapons. She also possesses the ability to use dark magic with ease and has an extra mouth on the back of her head that can and will eat anything in sight.

Misty Mann

Mutant

Alias

- Dysphoria

Quirk

- Slenderman Syndrome

She possesses the attributes and ability of the Slenderman.

Seifer Flauros

Mutant

Alias

- Soul Eater (lmao he didn’t care)

Quirk

- Darkling

Seifer has a large pair of bat-like wings on his back as a hard staple of his mutation. He has enhanced physiology of a demon and can undergo a full-on transformation with multiple mouths appearing around his body, blacken limbs, claws, sharpen teeth, a pair of horns, and blackened eyes. He’s a Zalgoid, what else to add.

Bill Cipher

Mutant-Transformer?

Alias

- One-Eyed Demon

Quirk

- Dream Demon

Literally what the name implies with Nigh Omnipotence adding more to his already created Demonic power. One of the strongest students in the class has to hold with all-knowing intellect and witty skill.

Jason Voorhees (Meyer)

Transformer

Alias

- The Toymaker

Quirk

- Monster in The Closet

Jason can transform into a state of horror, mostly due to negative influence, in which his darkest intentions, emotion, and powers are fully-fledged. In this form, his powers are greatly enhanced. However, in this form, he is highly aggressive and quick to anger, making him a threat to anyone around him. His red burgundy hair changes to its true color (white), his honey-colored eyes become a growing green color, his arms become rotten and his nails become sharp enough to cut through the skin. When his appearance changes so do his toys, they turn from merely fun playthings to little monsters that can hurt and kill.

Jack Letterman

Emitter

Alias

- Laughing Jack

Quirk

- Monochromatic Clown

Laughing Jack is a magical being, with incredible dark magical powers, being able to teleport in an instant in a puff of pitch-black smoke, turn himself invisible, and being able to mutilate the bodies of his victims. Jack is also able to create nightmares and visual hallucinations and can use telekinesis to move objects with his mind, making his victims seem crazy.

Liu Woods

Mutant

Alias

- Judgement Day

Quirk

- Undead Voices

Liu possesses the ability to lack physical weaknesses, such as pain, need to rest, vulnerability to environmental effects. He doesn’t feel pain and when attacked, his body can regenerate rather fast. Being clinically dead, his brain and body are immune to most powers that affect living beings. But like his brother, he holds a deadly killer instinct but to the point, it has manifested into a split personality.

Disclaimer: This is an AU we’ve been working on forever and keep putting it on a back burner. Four of these characters are our own original characters along with an extra character we decided to add since we thought was a badass idea. The story may not be posted up for a long while due to it not even close to completion and still in the works of planning. ~ Your Anon Muns

#something is brewing #creepypasta crossover #Crossovers #bnha #story planning #creepypasta #bnhaxcreepypasta

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deafmatteo · 4 years ago

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top surgery — pre-op prep

This is going to be a very long post where I explain how I went about the process of the surgical assessment, the actual meeting with the surgeon, and preparation.

Disclaimer: my experiences will not be universal. I am very fortunate to be Canadian and live in a country where the actual surgery is covered and I only need to pay for the stuff outside of the surgery such as medication and travel. additionally, my experience of pre- and post-surgery time at the surgical center was altered quite heavily due to COVID-19. things may be different for your experiences or for your character but here’s a general outline! if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to dm or send an anon!

content warning for below the cut: suicide mention, weight mention, substance use, crash dieting mention,

i. Surgery Assessment:

In order to qualify for an assessment with the surgeon, you need to have one taken by a different doctor. In my case, there was only one who was able to do the assessment and she worked in an office in a town adjacent to mine. The actual assessment took roughly two hours (spaced over multiple appointments) and it was filled with questions asking my relationship with my gender identity, expectations from the surgery, my personal and familial health history, my transition beyond top surgery—if i have socially come out, if i have begun my medical transition, etc—and the stability of my mental health. Because I was in the process of trying to get medication for my mental health, this was a potential red flag that could have caused me to fail my assessment but because I have not, to the assessor’s knowledge, considered suicide or even thought of it, I was cleared.

Once I passed my assessment, it was then passed onto the waiting list for the surgeons in my province. I had opted for the general waitlist to get the surgeon who had the shortlist but you are given the option to select surgeons but there is a requirement for certain surgeons. Some will not operate on tobacco smokers, some will not operate on fat people with a high BMI(35+), some will not operate on tobacco and marijuana smokers, but there also some who will operate on all of the above. It personally depends on the surgeon and what they’re comfortable with. Within two months of the assessment, I got a call back from the surgeon’s office and from there, I made my surgical appointment where I would discuss things with the surgeon!

ii. Surgeon Appointment:

this was done at the surgeon’s office which was again, not local to me. it was very quick and i mean. very quick. the surgeon asked about my expectations from top surgery and what i hoped would come from it and things about my dysphoria and my post-operative care plans. you should have your plan all figured out by this point! they need to know that you will be well cared for! he then took off my hospital gown and took a look at my chest before determining what kind of surgery would be best. I was relatively smalle in terms of pre-op chests but do to the way that my chest had formed because of binding unsafely for over half a decade, i was told that Double Incision was the best & safest option. then i got the option of if i want to keep my nipples or not — i opted for yes.

with that all figured out, i was given an initial date & time for surgery and that was that! (for myself, my date got changed multiple times because of covid-19 but if it wasn’t for the virus, it would have stayed true to the selected day).

iii. Waiting Game:

okay! now you’ve got all your appointments in order and you’re just waiting for them to get snipped off. now what?

one. research post-operative care! i have researched for many, many years on top surgery but i still researched more constantly. this surgery is a big deal and you don’t want to do anything wrong that could cause further harm to yourself! look at different resources, watch different youtube videos, etc. there’s a lot of information out there that could help ease your post-op anxieties.

two. get prepared with the stuff you need. the surgeon beforehand will give you some things that they will want you to have before surgery but don’t be afraid to purchase additional things! here’s a list of some of the things i purchased beforehand.

PILLOWS. my pillows were shit, flat out. they had no proper support & they just hurt to use so they often were just tossed to the sit for my cat to use. i bought two that provide good support and comfort and genuinely never felt better. this is because you cannot lay on your side or stomach for up to 4 weeks after the surgery and i, personally, am versatile and will sleep any which way. the pillows are to help you stay comfortable and propped up whilst laying in bed or sleeping.

MEDICINE. get the strongest dose of Tylenol & Advil you can because this will be your pain medication afterwards. (the surgeon will provide over-the-counter ones as well but, if they’re like my surgeon, they’ll ask you to avoid it as much as you can). these will be your life-savers, trust me.

SUPPLEMENTS. this one i haven’t seen around too much but for me, it was a better safe than sorry option. i already have to take iron supplements for my anemia so i purchased some zinc ones as well! zinc supplements help with immunity and scar healing which is always a good thing to take after a major surgery. the iron can help because your body may lose blood during surgery but it’s not one that i’ve seen people recommend. DO NOT GO OVERBOARD! you know your immune system and how well it will handle injuries. i have had a previous surgery done and due to my weakened immune system, it took me a lot longer to recover than initially anticipated. that’s why i’m going for the zinc supplements. most people don’t! personal preference.

SIX-FOOT CHARGER. life-saver. you can’t do that awkward extend-your-arms as you attempt to charge your phone before rolling over and finally getting comfortable. get one of those chargers that you can comfortable sit in your bed and use because even if you’re not in surgery, better comfort. what’s the worst that could happen?

DRY SHAMPOO & WIPES. for the first week, you CANNOT shower. stinky. be courteous to those with you and don’t be a stinky stinker. you can sit in the tub from the waist down but you cannot get your post-operative binder wet which leaves your entire torso, your armpits, neck, and face that do not see the godliness of the bathtub for a week. the wipes will help wipe away any grunginess and the dry shampoo will prevent your hair from becoming disgusting and oily. trust me. you’re doing yourself-and everyone around you-a favour.

there are additional things that other people tend to buy and like i said, it’s all up to personal preference. if you think it would help you, do it! there’s no harm than can be done by buying something you think would help but you end up not using rather than needing something but not having access to it. trust me, you deserve the utmost care and attention that you can give yourself during this time.

IMPORTANT!!

do not crash diet. this is when you basically attempt to do any of those fasting diets that basically deprives your body of the nutrients it needs. buddy, you’re about to have a massive surgery. you’re doing more harm than good to your body and you deserve better. and trust me, i tried. and as a person in recovery for an E.D., it is the most slippery slope you can take. your body needs the nutrients to help you heal.

exercise! (not excessively). it makes it easier for the surgeons to work around your chest and can also help with its masculinization. for about a month before the surgery, i would go on a run at least every other day as well as some HIIT exercises. i do genuinely believe that it has helped me in some way in regards to healing but it could very well be me trying to justify the exercise.

LISTEN TO THE SURGEON. seriously. no amount of text-posts, no amount of youtube videos will ever overpower the advice your surgeon will give you. please, just listen to them. they’re the ones performing the surgery so they know what is best for you.

#i probably forgot a lot but ! this is the general idea #top surgery #ftm #connor talks!#not skam

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spacegaywritings · 5 years ago

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A manly man - Oneshot

edited 26th MAY: pronouns, spelling, shortening sentences, replacing words

Summary: ftm Roman is on his period and it hurts and sucks. Vulnerable and disgusted, he cuddles up to his soulmate who always understands him. Remus is always there to assure xyr better half and make sure he knows he is loved - and a strong and manly man. Remus uses xe/they!

Tags: menstruation stuff, trans character /trans Roman, remrom, romantic /platonic incest (if you wanna see it like this), gender roles (mention)

ao3 link

My KoFi - Support me ♥ or Commission me

story under this cut!:

Roman dragged himself over to his bed, sinking into the soft mattress and sliding under the cool sheets.

They would be warm soon, he told himself. It would just be a couple of moments until then, he assured his body.

The adolescent was shivering and overall felt like a truck had run over his entrails but left him to look just as dashing as usual - if not a tad paler than his average appearance.

He was sick to his stomach, his nausea sitting so deep in him and piling up as much as to actually reside in his throat as well. His whole body was sore, heavy and simply dirty inside and outside.

He was frail.

Breakable.

He felt more vulnerable than he had ever been in his life and it was humiliating to ... to be.. to .. to b-bleed!

It was an audacity to have him suffer like this! He was a prince, a man made to romance and charm people, to change the world and end misery for any and all people.

Instead he was stuck in his bed, by now curled up in his own puddle of horror and bad feelings. He was swimming in dysphoria and shivers of disgust.

A soft knock could be heard at his door.

Roman snuggled deeper into his bed, trying to just sink into the mattress enough to actually disappear into the safety of softness.

No humans, no creatures at all, just cotton and filling and feathers or whatever there was in mattresses.. Hemp and all. Things, just sleepy things.

His throat produced a sound.

Roman was not sure what kind of sound it was. It sounded raw, real. It was like a theatrical performance of the worst crisis the hero had to go through in a tragedy such as MacBeth.

The sound was probably enough to invite the person on the other side of the wood to come in and right after it, the door was slowly pushed open to reveal the vulnerable blanket burrito to Remus.

“Princey, you okay?”

Remus pushed inside, their back leaning against the door until it closed. Their arms sported another set of blankets and a hot water bottle. There was a backpack perched up on xyr shoulders.

The suffering wanna-be royal curled further into his all-time low and let out another sound of agony.

“Aw, my knight, I am here now. I got more blankets~”, xe offered with a little pose to show off the inviting sight of desired warmth.

There was a hot water bottle in their blanketed hand and a mischievous grin playing on xyr lips.

The blanket burrito shifted a bit, just enough to move from the middle of the bed to the side which Remus took as signal that there was enough space for another person.

“Hey hey, hey hey hey hey hey hey!”, they started as they moved over to the side of the bed that was now free for him to join their lovely Roman on.

Another non-verbal sound of mild annoyance came from the tall figure under the sheets and Remus simply took the invitation to go on with xyr announcement.

Xe leaned in.

They whispered.

“You know what?”, xe continued, carefully arching xyr back to get even closer to Roman. Xyr voice dipped into a sound that edged on conspiracy, on riot and schemes, “I got snacks for you. They are almost as sweet as you.”

They flashed him a smile and slid under the covers, rudely inviting the cool outside into Roman’s happy safety for a moment but the hot water bottle was immediately in place to aid him and make up for the incredulous intrusion they had dared to start off with.

Roman hugged the hot bottle against his stomach, slowly shifting it lower to his cramping and screaming abdomen.

At once, a little sigh of relief stole itself onto his features. His body visibly relaxed, muscles loosening, his whole posture being less tightly wrapped up in the mess of sheets he had created by now.

Part two was now in place.

Remus was giggling as xe made xyrself at home with another big blanket immediately joining the two and covering them up.

The fluffy fabric spread over the two.

The smaller one carefully lowered themself to press a little smooch to the top of Roman’s head.

“Hey there, my prince”

Xe smiled.

Despite his sour mood, Roman could not help but feel his heart flutter and lips immediately twitching into the slightest hint of a smile.

Remus noted the change with a soft smile as they gently tugged Roman’s head into their lap and started stroking through his soft curls.

Xe loved how velvet the ginger mess of Roman’s hair was. It was like a child imagined clouds to feel like. Fluffy, adorable, simply a dream to cuddle.

“Mhmmmm...Rem...”, he hummed groggily.

They whistled back in reply and quickly moved just enough to reach their backpack and get their hands into it. Xyr hands slung around a small bottle of lemon juice which was quickly handed over to Roman.

“Got you the good shit, right here. This will kill your fucking sicky-ew, so we can have some snacks for you. I got films to watch on my shitty stupid tablet and nobody can take that from us.”

Remus carefully uncapped the bottle and held the bottle for their soulmate to drink from it. Roman did, like the good boy he was and Remus gently brushed through his curly, short hair.

They started watching a little show after that, just cuddling up and hugging while Remus pressed a few kisses here and there to Roman’s pained face.

Eventually, the sick man drifted off in the arms of Remus and to the sounds of some off cartoon show playing in the background. Xe held the prince-to-be close and allowed xyrself to actually doze off along.

***

It was a few minutes later when Roman stirred the slightest bit, immediately alarming his datemate to wakeup and pull him closer to their chest.

Remus grumbled and immediately wrapped xyr arms around the living stuffie that was the manly Roman. This time, he was fighting back a bit.

Softly, innocently, he shoved Remus away, gently nudging them aside with soft violence.

“Not nooow”, he whined as he fought to get out of the sleepy gremlin’s grip. It was more of a challenge than one would expect. Honestly, Remus was kind of strong with their stupid arms of an athlete.

What did xe do again? Roman was not in the right mind to remember but he was sure it was some kind of really gay dancing shit which was why Remus was able to lift him up with little effort.

Surprisingly, Roman was still a bit stronger in his arms and legs but not so in his back and overall ability to keep up body tension. He was not made for this kind of stuff. Right now he was just sweaty and icky and ugly.. so so ugly and disgusting that he needed to get up and change.

His miserable state was less after his meds had kicked in and he had gotten some juice to ease his once so upset stomach.

A small smile appeared on his lips and he gave in for a minute.

“Rem, I need to .. I need to go”, he defended himself as the smaller CHONK of human wrapped their limbs around him in pure spite and loving spirit.

Xe grumbled but xyr arms seemed to loosen around the regal idiot just enough to give him the heartbreaking permission to leave, despite the pain it caused Remus to be abandoned so harshly, so rudely, so absolutely col-

Aaaand Roman was gone.

Remus whined after him but tried not to complain too much and instead swallowed the needy sounds.

Why were they the clingy one and not Roman? Being clingy was work , it was exhaustive and it required someone to always be with them to fulfil their need to be somewhat physically touched every now and then.

It was too bad Roman did not have so much for touch as Remus did but they made it work.

Somewhat luckily, shark week was the time during which Remus got more cuddles and Roman allowed himself to be more “vulnerable” and show his general soft side as a man.

Maybe it was a downside of people generally hugging him less ever since he came out.. people being more physically distant and giving him the feeling it was “unmanly” and “weak” to hold hands, to cuddle and snuggle and have stuffies or emotional attachments and such.

Ridiculous, if you asked Remus. But their gender-non-conforming lifestyle was already speaking up against Roman’s insecure heart enough to invalidate their argument, subjectively.

Even xyr pronouns were so strange, so new and out there.

Roman would always argue he was outstanding and proud but at the same time, he would not dare to do anything that could obstruct how he was perceived by other people.

Being anything but cis was a whole struggle but being a transman was probably another level of difficult.

Remus did not have any “gender roles” to fulfil in order for people to be more inclined to use their pronouns correctly. Usually, they just did not and Remus would proudly suggest “it/its” pronouns. Other wanted to devalue xem with these but xe loved this set of pronouns and would never back down from people who thought they could hurt xyr gender identity and change xem in any way. You know, make them right, straighten them out so they would be “normal” again.

Roman, on the other hand, had people tell him he was not allowed to use restrooms unless his genitalia was “right”.

Shark week made the whole struggle more present.

When people always invalidate your whole existence and sometimes even intentionally used your weak spots and insecurities against you, it would eventually wear you down enough to be affected. No matter what Roman did, it would be written up to him doing it because he was a transman.

“Oh, is this because you are a “man” now?”

“Of course you would want to do this so you can try to look manly like the others”

All those words have been enough for Remus to start fights left and right and they would always do it again for their golden boy. Not that Roman knew. Roman hated being protected.

Roman was the knight in this story. He was the ace of hearts, the soldier of the forgotten and protector of the oppressed. Remus should be the one to need protection.. but maybe that would be too much to ask for.

None of them really needed it.

Remus was just sick of hearing people hollering their transphobic bullshit around, especially at xyr prince.

“Rem?”

Roman was standing in the door, leaning against its frame with tired eyes and a pale face. As much as Remus tried to enjoy a needy handful of boyfriend but the bitter taste of conditions always came with it.

“Finally, my prince has come”

Xe breathed out in relief and opened xyr arms.

Roman immediately abandoned the door frame and threw himself onto the bed with a little skip over the bed frame. He landed all over Remus, knocking over the cup that used to hold lemon juice and also involuntarily pushing the tablet further away.

He was giggling a bit, just a slight shadow of a smile tickling his features as he threw his arms around his datemate’s neck and quickly pulled them further down with him.

“You are silly, Rem”, Roman commented.

Xe shook xyr head.

“You are my prince. You always have been and always will be this prince of my dreams”, they insisted stubbornly as they brushed their index and middle finger over his throat.

“I did not know how much I needed you until you came for me and swept me right out of my dumpster.”

He blushed and nudged Remus away with his elbow but he still slid back into xyr lap. His mouth was producing sounds like the ones meant to silence a child but he was just seeking the comfort of a hiding spot to cover up the bright red blush on his cheeks.

He carefully buried his face in Remus’s little fat roll of a tummy.

“You were an abomination of a human being when we met”, he remarked with a muffled voice.

Roman was right.

Everyone saw Remus in the light of society's strict rules. They identified xem as a man rather than the gender-defying riot xe was.

They dumpster-dove, yes, to recover packaged and completely fine groceries thrown away by big companies because they weren't allowed to sell it or give it away. They indeed broke rules and tagged walls but Remus had shown Roman the art of graffiti and the roots of it. Xe had proved xyrself to be more than a societal disgrace but instead be a considerate person to never litter and live a highly principled life instead. Not one restricted by society.

Honestly, Roman was probably more likely to accidentally endanger others due to his impulsive and defiant behaviour while Remus was genuinely trying their best to always think of others. People just took it to be offensive when Remus was late to school because they helped a worm cross the street or started a spontaneous sit-in because of speeders on school property.

Everyone thought xe was a slacker, someone looking for attention with xyr pronouns and identity. Even their names was seen as "too extra".

"I'm sorry", xe mumbled and carefully tilted his head just enough to glance up at xyr datemate.

"I - I didn't mean that in a bad way. That was mean to say"

He cleared his throat to justify his inconsiderate comment. He was a lover, not a fighter! It was his duty to protect Remus and not play into the mean nicknames used by bullies against xyrs whole being.

One of his favourite things about the embodiment of chaos was this: Instead of getting mad ,they just shook their head with a giggle.

"You tickle me, Roro", xe started with a snicker, "your words are endearing to me ~"

Roman furrowed his brows. A smile fought onto his lips.

Remus wasn't as insecure about themself as he was. Nothing seemed to ever hurt xem.

"You're the best, Rem. You really are"

Roman cuddled back to the little fat roll of Remus when an idea hit him.

Slowly, his fingers crept up to their sides and, once in reach, immediately ran up and down their skin.

"Wh-", Remus began with a surprised gasp.

It was too late.

Squips and squeaks escaped the trash goblin as Roman's fingers played xyr giggles like a fiddle. The pal was writhing and twitching, vividly moving and trying to escape the tickling fingers.

But the Prince wasn't just a great royal and soulmate, he was also an amazing hunter. He knew when to change his angle, switch positions and shift to another spot on Remus' vulnerable body.

They were a treasure book of sensitive skin. Almost any and all gentle touches sent xem into a giggling fit.

The smaller pal was curling into themself, laughter ever-persistent and body still vibrating in excitement and occasional snickers that echoed from xyr throat even after Roman retracted his fingers.

Remus was but a little ball of giggles by now, their existence reduced to nothing but amusement and little tears from being so ecstatic.

On top of that, xyr prince was smiling at xem with this softness on his features.. Not even kid's cartoons could be that soft and gentle. It was a Roman-only phenomenon.

Remus breathed, the burning lungs in their ribcage thirsting after the sweet relief of oxygen at last. Slowly, coordinated breaths in and out were managed and only occasional giggles stole their breath while Roman patted their face softly.

"You okay there?"

The pal simply leaned into the touch with an approving hum. Xyr eyes closed and xe patted the space next to xem.

"I'm glad you're better, Roro"

He cuddled back up to his soulmate and took the trashy being into his superior, gay arms. A squeak could be heard, like a mouse finally finding the cheese it's been destined to achieve in its life.

Remus sniffed happily and hugged back, melting into the embrace their Roman offered. The caramel soft embrace only two parts of a whole would ever be able to understand.

"Rem?", Roman whispered, softer than the late night spring breeze rustling the blooming trees right now, "Are you okay?"

Remus stubbornly pushed their head against Roman's collarbone and simply tugged - or rather: repeatedly attempted to tug - the blanket over the two instead of bothering to answer this daring question.

Xyr grappling hands eventually calmed down when Roman shifted to pull the blanket completely over them and even covered their curious faces with the soft fabric Remus had brought over. It even smelled of xem, Roman remarked with a small tad of surprise in his thoughts. He only now realised, when the blanket covered their faces.

It was the moment of realising you had more money in your bank account than anticipated which meant you weren't as broke as expected, unusually so.

... It was a nice surprise and filled Roman with the comfort of nostalgia and affection.

"It's okay, Rem", Roman reminded them " I'll always have you - as you'll always have me, you little cryptid."

They hummed.

"My man", xe mumbled into his chest, voice low and unusually shy.

"My one and only prince. My manly prince."

Roman's cheeks turned a regal shade of red as he snuggled his beloved idiot closer.

Why would they say that now, he wondered but refused to ask. Never would the man turn down unexpected bouts of validation.

His chest harboured fireworks inside. Little tingly sparks of warmth tickling him, fondling him ever so gently from the inside.

A dream kissed his creation and glitter blessed his actions.

Literal kisses.

Actual kisses.

Little smooches dripped and dropped onto his face. His whole facial features were soon ravished by the precipitation of Remus' intense wave of affection.

Smooches arrived at his jawline, little pecks graced his eyes that immediately shut with a hesitant giggle.

More and more little softness was spilled all over his head. The little curls were kissed deeply with a dutiful smile in the dedicated face of Remus, the appreciation of all art that was xyr beloved Roman.

He shook his head, shaking the kisses off only to receive more little butterflies and tickles of lips along with whispered praises spreading all over his cheeks.

"You're my hero"

Not a single spot of facial skin was left without the warming enlightenment of their bundled up love.

"My one and only royalty"

Remus nuzzled his neck.

"If you were my king, I wouldn't overthrow your government unless you were really really mean", they promised sheepishly.

Roman's heart fluttered its wings of love like a Kolibri.

"You'd be the least favourite of all my people ", Roman retorted with equally diabetic sweetness in his words, "because I'd never want you to be below me."

Remus wiped xyr puffy eyes and blinked.

"That's a dumb pick-up line", they remarked with a flustered hint of dismay in their eyes.

"Just make me equal then, so I can be your favourite like I'm meant to be."

Roman tugged at Remus and quickly rolled on top of them with little effort, only stopping when he was on Remus' other side and got to kiss the hidden sharpness of their cheekbones.

" Remember that I'm your man ~", he sang in response.

The two continued to tease each other, softly exchanging little smooches and kisses to litter only with love in this wide world that was the other to each of them and them only.

They ended up sharing the snacks and juice Remus had brought over.

Before supper came, they were snuggled up and dozing off contently in the worry-free state of comatose sugar overdoses. Love nibbled at their dreams and palms found each others backs as the two slept through the evening.

In the background, Mulan was running on Remus' forgotten tablet.

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eldritchsurveys · 5 years ago

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476.

Would you rather lose your best friend or your boyfriend? >> --- Do you think people who pay hundreds of dollars on perfume are ridiculous? >> If you have hundreds of dollars to spend on perfume, then you might as well. I imagine high-end perfume probably smells better than the shit they sell in Meijer. What is the last thing you tried on in a store? >> Jeans, probably. Do you know who Georgia Nicholson is? >> No. Do you ever sleep through your alarm? >> I use an alarm so infrequently and I sleep so lightly that there’s probably no way I’d ever sleep through one.

What is the dominant color in the room you’re in? >> Beige. Do you think Sophia Bush is a good actress? >> I don’t know anything about her. When did you realize you are no longer a child? >> I suppose my father refusing to be the person the hospital released me to was the point where I realised I was legally an adult and therefore had to find my own way. I never had any rite of passage that marked a transition from childhood to adulthood for me, it was just “okay, now do adult things because the calendar says so, even though you’re functionally and emotionally unprepared for any of these things”. Is sleeping naked more comfortable then in clothes? >> No, I can’t have my skin sticking to itself. Also, I generally don’t feel comfortable nude because of, you know, dysphoria. Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? >> --- Does your best friend wear makeup? >> --- Who is someone you do not understand at all? >> I’m reasonably sure I could understand something about a person, even if we have nothing in common. What is your morning routine? >> I don’t have a routine -- I’m kind of allergic to doing the same thing every single day unless I’m so stressed that it’s the only way I can stabilise -- but I tend to read a bit and then journal, then do bio stuff and eat breakfast. Have you already met your true love? >> “True love” isn’t a thing for me. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? >> I’ve had a lot of dreams like that, for some reason. Do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship? >> It depends on the problems. I used to be more inclined to try and fix things, but I’ve noticed that I kept trying to do that in unfixable situations and just made an ass of myself. Have you ever accidentally stepped on a cat tail? >> Yeah. Did they meow really loud? >> More like a yelp. Do you ever go to Plyrics.com? >> I think I have in the past. Did you know that when a worm is cut in two both pieces grow again and continue living? >> Yeah. Do veggies gross you out? >> No. Do you know what Bluekaffee is? >> No. Chicken burger, fish burger or ham burger? >> Hamburger. What is the best brand of ketchup? >> I don’t know, I’ve never compared them. Would you run down the street completely naked for 1,000$? >> No. Have you ever dated someone in secret? >> No. How do you get splinters out? >> I don’t even remember the last time I had a splinter. But I assume I’d just use tweezers. What is something all relationships need to be healthy? >> Still not sure I’m the person to ask. Do you know who sings ‘Lover I don’t have to love’? >> I didn’t, but I googled it because the title sounded familiar. Don’t think I’ve ever actually heard that song, though. Do you bring pillows and blankets on road trips? >> --- If a stranger adds you on facebook, do you add them back? >> --- Does walking by yourself make you nervous? >> No. When dog’s bark, do you think it actually sounds like ‘ruff’? >> Some barks do. What about when cows moo? >> Yeah. How far is the airport from your house? >> Like, 20 minutes or something. CSI or Crimnal Minds? >> --- Can you make cookies from scratch? >> Maybe if I had a recipe to follow. Do you ever send people good morning texts? >> No. Is there someone who makes you blush when you just say hi to them? >> No. Do you kiss your pets? >> --- Have you ever forgotten where you parked your car? >> --- Does your leg itch right now? >> No. What’s worse then a stomach flu? >> I don’t know. Can you fall asleep in cars? >> Yeah, if I’m sleepy. Why did you go to church the last time you went? >> It was Easter. Who made you supper last night? >> Sparrow. It was pesto tortellini from the Dinnerly box. Really fucking good. Do you say mag or magazine? >> Magazine. Would you rather marry someone repulsive or be alone forever? >> I’d definitely never marry someone I thought was repulsive. That idea is repulsive. Would your parents approve of you dating someone of a different race? >> --- Whose the richest person you know? >> I don’t know a whole lot of people, and the ones I do are mostly just working-class folks or professionals who probably don’t make as much as they should. So the richest people I know are Sparrow’s parents, who are upper middle class. How old is the oldest person you know? >> Early sixties. Do you think Americans are pigs? >> I don’t think anyone is a pig. What was on the last sandwich you ate? >> Turkey, pepper jack, coleslaw, and pickles. Whose the last person who asked your name? >> I don’t remember. Remember the loot bags you used to get at birthdays? Weren’t they awesome? >> --- When is the last time you saw a monkey on TV? >> I have no idea. Do you buy scratch tickets? >> No. Who has it easier: adults or teenagers? Why? >> You can’t say one age bracket has it “easier” because that’s a subjective value, not to mention that calculating ease of living would require considering a lot of variables that change from person to person. What’s the last thing you spent over twenty dollars on? >> I spent exactly twenty dollars on another bottle of CBD capsules. Would you be sad if you were 50 and still not married? >> Well, that’s not going to happen. But I doubt it’d make me sad if that was how my life went instead. Have you ever been so drunk you couldn’t even talk right? >> Maybe? I’ve been so high I couldn’t talk right, but I rarely have problems speaking when I’m drunk. Do you know anyone with a million middle names? >> No. Are brand name food items really better then store brand ones? >> Sometimes, but if the ingredients list is pretty much the same then they’ll probably taste alike. Is ceaser salad the best kind of salad? >> Not for me, it isn’t. Is it dark out yet? >> No, it’s morning. Do you believe that love is just an excuse to get hurt? >> That’s a new one. Is there a Booster Juice in your city? >> No. If its called INTERNATIONAL house of pancakes, why isnt there one in Canada? >> Heh. Do hugs help when you’re sad? >> Outworld hugs do not help. Inworld hugs do. How did you meet the last person you kissed? >> --- Do you buy more things online or in stores? >> In stores. What is the best thing to eat with fish? >> There are a lot of things that are good to eat with fish. It also depends on what kind of fish it is, and how it’s cooked. Isn’t it annoying when people treat music like a trend? >> I don’t really know what that means. Do online dating sites ever work? >> I had a relationship that started on an online dating site. So yes, the site worked. The fact that our relationship didn’t isn’t because we met online, lol.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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ryesbread · 6 years ago

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Hey uh ftm question, I'm pre-T and I've heard like a lot of stuff saying u should work out like pre transition to help with like dysphoria and stuff, but I can't take my binder off without breaking down and u can't really wear it while exercising. Do u have any tips for pre-T dysphoria? I can't get T for at least another 6/7 months and its getting so hard to deal with.

yeah, of course! it took me like five years after coming out to friends to finally be able to independently afford testosterone, so like i had to do some of my own stuff to become comfortable with me during that time. keep in mind i’m no expert, and i highly suggest looking into things online. my personal advice will be under the cut

so, as far as your work out thing, my job is essentially working out. like i put on a twenty pound costume and do cardio. i don’t typically wear my binder for this because i already have some breathing issues, and i want to let my ribs relax. i have read some places you can wear a binder a size up for exercise (like on the card that comes with Gc2B binders but I don’t think it’s recommended), but i think it’s safest to use a sports bra and a black shirt. black clothing is a good way to conceal what’s going on underneath. it’s a tip i was given for an audition, and it really works. i may have been conscious about what i felt, but knowing other people couldn’t really tell did help ease my mind. i really think this is the best method because it’s better safe than sorry down the line. there are sports bras that can compress and hold things you don’t want down so yeah.

as far as dealing with dysphoria on a day to day basis, one of the first things i read that really helped me was the shaving trick. even if you just have peach fuzz on your face, shaving that off can give a bit of a confidence boost. it makes the hair more stubbly and most dudes don’t generally keep that around. on a side note, i also made note of what features about me were more masculine and i would highlight those. like legit i wore masculine contour to an audition to avoid misgendering and it helped my ego.

a good haircut also helped me? again, weird, but like once i stopped getting haircuts with more “feminine” framing or haircuts that had that shaggy look, it helped.

i don’t know if you have this, but i have major height issues. there are these shoe inserts you can get for shoes with ankle support to make you an inch or two taller (i wore them when i put on my flash costume so i could feel at least a little average), but there’s also shoes with like a little inch or two on the heel and sneakers with a height boost.

one thing that absolutely didn’t help me but could help you is a packer. i had a creepy experience obtaining my first packer and also i’m allergic to the material (and it’s too big for my 5′2.5″ body) so it made me feel worse, but there are some cheap packers on etsy that come in different materials so like you could always try one of those out.

having a good support system is also wonderful! i know you may be thinking like “gee ryan i don’t want to hear people just being like ‘oh such a handsome boy. lovely boy.’ to appease me” but like knowing there are people that accept you is always helpful. also being around other trans people to share experiences with because sometimes we really do understand each other more. and by sometimes i mean like all the time. whether you’re communicating online or in person it can remind you you’re not alone.

all-in-all dysphoria is kinda a nasty beast to deal with. even on t i still struggle with it a lot, but just funneling it into exercise or my writing or even just remembering i’m ryan and even if i don’t look the way i want to now, i’m still me, it helps. i know this may seem like a bunch of bullshit or “oh i could’ve found this generic advice anywhere” or maybe even two am ramblings (oh shit nearly three am), but i just wanted to answer you asap. if i think of anything else, i will absolutely add it.

#Anonymous

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sorikkung · 3 years ago

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wait ok this isnt an mlb blog but i hafta give my two cents on this.

victim/villain in question is a trans person who was akumatised bc of dysphoria and cis ppl just brushing it off as overreacting. the Gender Beam™ not just transes everyones gender, but gives them dysphoria as well, so "you can all finally feel what i have to go through every day!" (there's gotta be an ongoing gag where hawk/shadow moth keeps misgendering them and every time the villain gets closer and closer to betraying hawkmoth and rocking his shit. even better if they succeed, like in the shanghai special.)

marinette gets hit and she's like oh my god. this feels awful, people really have to live like this? im gonna start learning how to sew binders, how to cut n style hair, tikki do you think i could be a surgeon - bc her natural thought process is like "i need to help people in any way i can" n after realising how much things like binders n changes in hairstyle can help after her temporary dysphoria being eased as ladybug, she has a lot more perspective now.

MEANWHILE, adrien gets hit by the Gender Beam™ and is just like oh. nothing happened. i guess this is what they meant by gender doesnt equal your biology and how its a social construct? guess we can face this villain easily after all! n when he transforms into chat noire he gets the more feminine outfit hes secretly always wanted to try and is like oHHhHHHhhh boy this shit do be hitting different. huh, where'd that lingering feeling of existential dread go? i can kinda roll w this. maybe i should go for a more fem look more often? then they get confusedly they/them'd and then she/her'd and she's like YOOoOOo. this kind of fucks, actually,

so while fighting the villain ladybug's all like "my chest feels tight i need to take this binder off but i cant bc ill feel like throwing up and- chat?" and chat is just. looking at themself in the mirror, absolutely in awe, super confident, goes and whoops the villains ass and frees the akuma with only a bit of ladybugs help. ladybug puts everything back to normal but chat's suit stays the same while ladybugs goes back to normal and chat's just like "hey lb... i dont actually think i felt anything different when i got hit by that beam. i think... i think this is just me."

ladybug's surprised, but after what she just went through shes just like "ok what do u want ur pronouns to be then. any change in superhero name? do you want me to make you a pronoun pin? should i call you m'lady from now on-" and chat just cuts her off before her questions get more n more outrageous, going "he, she and they all work, nah, yes please, and absolutely bugaboo" and ladybug just realises what she walked into and is like wow, yep that's still my chat noir alrighty

akuma villain power that’s just “trans your gender”

Marinette and adrien get hit by the Gender Beam, and of course, look the same. But they don’t feel the same. So their hero transformations look different for the episode!! Ladybug has a binder and cropped hair and a more masculine suit design. Chat Noire gets some high heeled boots just for fun (he’s always wanted to try them), with a more feminizing outfit and longer hair.

and at the end of the episode Ladybugs just “damn it was fun being a boy today! ok im gonna go back to my pink jeans i miss them goodbye chat noir” and leaves and Chat Noir is just “yknow what bein a girl aint that bad” and comes out as genderfluid next patrol.

#this got long uh #i really like the concept of genderfluid chat ok #totally has nothing to do w my own genderfluidity #and the fact that chat gives me insane levels of gender envy #what ever do you mean im projecting ahahaha #adrien probably wouldnt come out bc i cant imagine gabriel taking it well #but it works bc its not that he hates being a boy he just... is sometimes a girl too #sometimes neither #sometimes multiple at once #so when he feels less 'boy' than hes comfortable with #he just escapes as chat noir and hits the city #probably leading to more marichat shenanigans bc they'd just wanna be a girl/enby sometimes even w/out a villain to fight #n if he was feeling a strong masc lean his suit would go back to being the canon one #ladybug ends up forgoing the pronoun pin thing bc how chat's suit looks would reflect what gender they're feeling most at that time #but she keeps switching up the pronouns for her bc it makes her happy <3 #marinette making them a pride themed scarf and chat is like lb... this is so sweet but i cant wear this as a civillian #youd recognise me AND im also not out yet #and shes like oh... i got excited im sorry #but chat just ends up wearing it to every patrol #yeah <3 #i could go on but ill stop

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unicornninjabitch · 7 years ago

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You: no one asked for another one of these

Me: yeah i know sorry i just have a lot of emotions and shit lately

(Haha thats a lie all i feel lately is annoyed and pain)

Anyway yes I’m going to complain more about life cause i have some emotions i need to get out and shit. Okay I’m very much a night owl, I have been my whole life, I work better t night and just love the night sky and shit. However 8th grade I was really, super, hella depressed cause of family stuff and school and being totally alone and you know the depression (thanks genes!), so I’d be absolutely TERRIFIED to be left alone with my thoughts. I’d stay up all night on youtube or some cringey website or on tumblr just so I didn’t have to lay in bed and think. Also very closeted, very depressed baby Alex had no idea wtf a healthy coping mechanism was, so I cut and it was bad like an every night thing cause after I did I was suddenly really tired and could almost sleep instantly once it hit like 2-3 am. Anyway I fucked my sleeping schedule up at a very young age, so that habit never left and the earliest I go to bed anymore is 12-12:30, whatever im used to it, not good for me but whatever. Then summer started and I didn’t sleep till like 1am-2am so I chalked it up to “it’s summer whatever”, but then it was 2 am-3am and I thought that was a one time thing, but nope. Now (as in the past week/week and a half ish) I’m lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep and even then I’m up at like 9 am. As you can imagine this has lead to a good amount of problems, but first one additional thing. Now it’s just me and my mom at our house, but because of hour cuts and paying for school and catching up on bills and other shit we don’t really have a ton of money which means we don’t have a ton of food which means what we have we have to make last. With that being said back track to me getting 2-3 hours of sleep, now my body’s tired and I’m exhausted I just wont go to fucking sleep, but I’m hungry as hell. We didn’t have cereal and milk for awhile, so that left me with pasta like I said I’m exhausted so pasta involves cooking, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d be too tired half way through the water boiling to finish let alone eat anything. Also cause we don’t have a ton of money I’d get 2 free meals a day in school so I wouldn’t go a whole day (or week) without eating real food (i mean it was gross government food but it got the job done), but in summer I didn’t get that so I just havent eaten really all summer like i could probably count on my hands how many actual meals ive eaten all summer. So the not eating mixed with the not sleepings fucking awful as you can imagine.I had a headache so bad I had to close my curtains put on sunglasses cover my head with a blanket and put my ice on my head in an attempt to help ease the pain, but WAIT THERES MORE. Every bone in my body constantly feels like it needs to crack and im just constantly really achey (idk if that has to do anything but it hurts like hell) Ive tried stretching and resting but it doesnt help, BUT THERES EVEN MORE!! The not eating!! I can feel my stomach being totally empty besides some water and that shit fucking hurts (idk how baby Alex did that shit) AND A FINAL THING your boy was born with god awful child bearing parts and guess what came up?! That’s right devil week so i feel like someones just stabbing me with a pitchfork while also trying to eject food thats not there. Therefore the past few nights Ive basically been clutching my stomach and head, the heating pad isnt helping, and pain killers arent helping much.

At this point youre probably like “dude just some nyquil” which yeah youre right i should but we didnt have extra money this week to buy any and we dont have any so thats why i didnt do that. Also like I said before I /am/ tired, im really fucking tired and i dont really have thoughts its more like fast and loud static and like energy i have to get out or i get uncomfortable, so the past few nights (last night was really bad) Im up clutching and rocking and snapping and tapping my feet just trying to get rid of that energy. It comes a little bit in the day i was talking to a friend and typing so fucking fast while also thinking about some oc idea and then BAM no energy at fucking all like i had to lay down. This also leads into ive been trying to read out loud to myself so i can try to get my voice lower cause my voice bothers the hell out of me, but i cant focus for longer than like 5 minutes cause of loud static and extra energy and being tired and my eyes being tired so its really frustrating.

The thing is i go to a psychiatrist for my meds and what she told me (idk if this is true everywhere or just how she is) that i had like textbook bipolar but becaue at the time i was ike 14/15 they didnt want to diagnose it cause i was still young. Bipolar runs in my family, just like depression and anxiety, so i wasnt super suprised by that and as i got older i got less scared (theres nothing scary about people with bipolar btw i just didnt know what to expect or think cause of how i saw it in like movies and stuff) i thought maybe i wasnt and i just had highs and lows like everyone else, but looking back i can see that the highs and lows were really extreme and like i said before i was super suicidal last year and just kinda gave up and earlier this summer it took a lot of energy to do anything, but this isnt like doing reckless things kinda high like it normally is and it fucking suck ass guys. On top of that my ever so supporting lately mother was like “look up manic episodes” so i told her i know what it is but she just pushed to look it up so i did and of course i made a joke about increased sexual activity (which my virgin is not) and looked like yes i know. (side note dw too much im going to the doctors tomorrow and im gonna see what i can do about my meds and stuff).

So yeah sorry for another shitty life update (not including tons of dysphoria, isolation, and more self hate but whatevs)

#personal #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #i also mention not eating but it wasnt/isnt like an ed #i dont think so anyway #its mostly me talking about my mental health and being in pain almost always #sorry for another one of these #honestly i might start posting one once a week to get some shit out

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