#its not good but you improve with everything you write sooooo

[stemmmm]

FoM entering fall thoughts

i have completely run out of mines content, as indicated by the ghostie at the end of each section saying "go away, there isnt stuff here anymore". which is a shame because i was really just starting to get into it. it seemed like intrigue was just starting to happen. there's also a shitload of mines levels for content to be running out now... there's so many locked off areas like the stairs on the far left of the map and the woods(?) on the far right, plus a bunch of spots that look like caved in doorways. i kinda figured a bunch of that would be like. rune factory style alternate dungeons. i had no reason to expect that, this game just gives me a lot of RF vibes.

other progression so far is still going. i just unlocked new types of animals so we'll see if i get another letter about community improvements or not. i'm also still going up in town ranks, though that's majorly slowed down due to my not really doing quests. they're all for random mines artifacts! i cant be bothered! not when i have no other reason to be in the mines!

I have instead dedicated myself to breeding animals. i bought a bunch of small barns and coops just in time to unlock the medium sized ones. oops. so i need to figure out how i want to replace everything, but before i do that I need to figure out exactly how i want to go about breeding for special colors bc. well. i would prefer not to do incests with my animals but that will be very tedious and expensive. and im sure the game isn't concerned about that because it wasnt even concerned with the fact that cows dont drop loose glass bottles of milk all on their own. just one more reason why i prefer when games only have female animals and you use "miracle potions" or w/e (other reason being male animals don't give produce). BUT I ALSO LIKE HAVING THE MALE ANIMALS SO... augh. so far i have been avoiding the incests but im also never going to get a spreadsheet going about it because it truly doesn't matter beside my own comfort. the reason why im engaging with this mechanic at all is... well firstly because i dont have much to do in the game anymore, but mostly because i havent seen anything like this in any game other than HM GBC3 so it's kind of a big deal.

i've also learned (accidentally) that animals will eat your crops and it makes them soooooo so happy. which is what i wanted to do in my own game so these guys are actually intellectual thieves but let's ignore this. so now i have a use for all those crops i stopped growing because i didn't need money anymore. just in time to actually kind of need that money because the season changed and i couldn't afford many new crops oops. so now i've got 3 rows of a barn and coop each, all with a line of crops growing in front of them. and it's kind of a fucking horrible mess that i'll need to clean up somehow, but its hard to do when new grasses and debris are constantly spawning everywhere and making a mess that gets in my way.

IN OTHER NEWS i finally hit 2 hearts with a few characters through semi-regular casual conversation and i am proud to report that this game! is horny. by which i mean the writers are clearly interested enough in their characters to write them in a way that makes them unique and endearing. and i also mean that juniper makes you her weird kinky slave no matter what and you don't have a choice. it's very sad that girlie is not remotely my type because she has SOOOOO much going for her. but the cowards also didnt make march a butch woman so SHRUG!

right now i've got the feeling that the game is finally giving me just enough to be interested in its plot and its characters, so i'm triply expecting the rug to get pulled by early access. i have been pleasantly surprised by just how much is here so far though! once again, not the kind of farming game i want to see but a good game regardless!

[fadebolt]

This blog is many months old by this point, and it seems like I'm slowly but surely being noticed by more and more people, sooooo I'm thinking a pinned post might be in order.

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~ Hello! Hi! Sup!

Welcome to my lil space!

Name's FadeBolt, but feel free to call me Fade. (Yes, that is the name of a DotA ability. No, I did have more creative name ideas, I just did stuff under this one, so I'm sticking with it)

~ I'm an anxious 21 year old Hungarian wreck that is currently doing college in the northern parts of this small hellhole in the middle of nowhere that we call Serbia.

~ I like to gush and ramble about media. I like to interact with media. I like to make stuff about media. I like to look at, and take part in stuff that other people make about media.

~ Most of this blog is about my hyperfixation that has lasted for almost two entire years by this point, which is, you guessed it - Rain World.

~ Obviously, I still like other stuff (most notably Warcraft 3, as well as League of Legends and its wonderful lore/universe), and I might make posts about them on some occasions, but they're not my main interests, and considering how much I've entrenched myself in the RW community, that likely won't change anytime soon.

~ I don't really have a central thing that I intended for this blog. It's just simply - if I get ideas and I like them enough, then I'll do them. And if I stumble into something that really peaked my interest, or if I feel like I could add something onto it, then I'm reblogging it. (Though I do have a bit of an anxiety over that, cus whenever I reblog something, I always feel bad for the stuff I didn't reblog, but I can't just keep reblogging everything all day every day, so I often end up not reblogging good stuff. Help me. Please xd)

~ But the main things that you can expect here are long writings about my opinions, (mostly) fun drawing, voiceovers, and occasional ramblings about stuff.

~ I want this to be abundantly clear - I really value constructive criticism, no matter how unsolicited it might be. So if I said something you don't agree with, made a mistake somewhere, or just have some general issues with my stuff, don't be afraid to point them out. (Just make sure that it is actually constructive. The goal here is to improve, but there's not really much I could take away from something like "Your art sucks" or "Your opinions are stupid", is there?)

~ Due to recent, uhm... let's just call them 'events', I want to note that online discussions around politics and stuff related to that makes me extremely stressed and uncomfortable, especially after seeing what Tumblr can do to people who said stuff most folks didn't like.

~ This doesn't mean I'm making a strict 'no politics' rule or anything, I'm just looking to minimalize that stuff, and preferably keep it in private 1 on 1 conversations where I won't feel like I'm being judged by hordes of onlookers. This applies to any other contentious topic, too.

~ Unlike a lot of folks, I will not be having a DNI list. I know that this sounds a bit weird, but I want this space to be nice and happy and welcoming, and I do believe that media should be used as a way to unite us in spite of our differences (so this idea of saying "If you have these political opinions I don't like, then GTFO!" just doesn't sit right with me, though I completely understand why some people do that).

I also believe that instead of locking out and trashing on people who said and did stuff we didn't like, we should instead try and help make them understand why that stuff is wrong, so they can learn and grow, because people can indeed change for the better, especially with how many young folks are roaming around on this website. I won't force any of you to hold yourselves to these ideals, but I will stay true to them myself.

~ With that being said: I am not tolerating problematic stuff or asshole behavior here. I'll be somewhat lenient on this, but "I want this space to be nice and happy and welcoming" will always take priority over avoiding being judgemental of others. Just please don't bother me with stuff that's obviously messed up, don't be a cunt, and don't send NSFW my way, that's all I'm asking.

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Aaaaaaaaand I think that's about all the important info for now. I might update this in the future, if need be.

Anyways, I'd like to quickly thank everyone who's ever supported me, taken part in positive interactions with me, or have even just quietly appreciated at least one little thing I have made/done at some point!

I was super scared that nobody's going to care even a little bit about anything I'll do, but I'm very thankful to have gotten proven wrong again and again and again by this wonderful community!

Have a wonderful day and night, everyone! Cheers! :D

[malo-mart]

Gonna complain to you cause I need to complain to someone about it even if you disagree. I kind of hope totk is the last zelda game. I love the series, I could tell you every piece of information about every game and the 80s TV show. I've played and beaten every game (except totk because I got it late and im getting everything done before I progress). I dont like that they're changing the formula of the game. Why change something that makes the game what it is? It was just a ploy to get new fans but like?? I loved zelda because of what it was and now they're just rewriting it?????? I didn't like botw all that much honestly, I didn't like being told a story rather than experiencing it. It never felt like a zelda game to me totk is better so far but it's still just, if it's not broke, don't fix it. Yet they tried to fix something that wasn't broken. It's upsetting to me.

Wow first of all what an honour to still be the one stop shop for botw hate. I absolutely know what you're saying and I have battled despising botw for what it is for 6 years. They took all the Zelda conventions from us and left no scraps, not even an iconic boss redesign. No music scraps, nada. But I am learning to appreciate that it really was Game of the Year and it deserved the praise it got, but at what cost 😭 I think after straying so far from a traditional Zelda game, it means that at some point they are going to deliver an iconic traditional game that rocks us to our core. And it's worth noting that they have to move away from botw completely now. It's like OoT and MM - after that, Wind Waker was born. They will change the art direction, the gameplay, the story, the characterisation....so even though I know we will most likely never get what we had back, at least it will always be new.

I also completely get what you mean by being told a story rather than experiencing it. My girlfriend and I joked that the cutscenes were like watching TV cuz it's completely disengaged from what I am doing in the gameplay. I always had a criticism that for twilight princess, it's midna that confronts ganondorf and it's all her motivations which lead up to the final fight, but I also learned to appreciate that Link was just a pawn in the game. Like that was Midnas story and her fight, much like botw/totk seems to mainly revolve around Zelda. But at least Midna and Link are interacting the whole entire game. And also midna is gay to me so I love her regardless

Well after writing this I can very much see there are two wolves inside of me - botw hater and botw apologist. Feel free to always vent in my inbox, its a botw hate safe place.

I hope you're enjoying totk a lot more. I thought the first half of the game was SOOOOO good and the second half needed some story improvement, but the final boss and cutscene??? absolutely worth it!!!!! good luck out there <3

[blacksgarden]

Just wanted to check up on ya, how are you feeling? Did you have a great week? Just tell me about your week.

Bc that would be lovely to know that someone may have had a better week, bc I'm really feeling shit firstly bc of my period and secondly bc me and bsf share an account on capcut (Which I really love) but she posted a video and someone asked something in the comments about her wanting to tell her fake friend about her depression and them my bsf, answer her "no don't tell her their fack and you know it, I have tried it with my friend and now everyone know." I'm so afraid it is me she is talking about bc she tells me everything and I told like two ppl I trust and now I wonder if one of them told everyone about it, I'm just so afraid she will take her own life, and I can't live without her. (Not me crying while writing this) 

Anyways hope your doing well.

Hey lovely, I'm doing quite well, thanks for asking! I haven't been as online as I used to be, so my replies might be really late 😭

My week has been great! I've started to focus on improving myself and becoming the best version of me. So I've been exercising, reading, revising, writing, drawing-- basically rediscovering myself and finding out what things I like and dislike once more. I was in a dark place before, and fortunately, now I'm not.

It's actually really fun, to go through this process, in my opinion. It's like waiting for the butterfly to come out of its cocoon, and I really can't wait to see how my transformation looks, you know?

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad week, darling. But I'm also happy you felt comfortable enough to share it with me! It's always good to share these things, penting things up only hurts you further.

I feel you on those period cramps, they honestly are the worst. I used to have really painful cramps! It was so bad, the only thing that pacified it slightly was curling into a ball on my bed 🥲 Painkillers did nothing to help me, but I found hot packs helpful. Maybe you could try that and see if it works for you too!

Also, sharing a capcut account sounds really cool! Sharing anything personal with a best friend is always an amazing thing to do. It's like weaving a little piece of both of your hearts together into an adorable scarf 😆 In which the scarf is a part of the shared bond you have together.

Oh honey, cry your heart out if you need. It's okay. Any relationship whether it's platonic or romantic can be difficult at times. But one key thing to make it work is communication. Just talk to your best friend. Ask her what she meant and who she was talking about. Jumping to assumptions isn't going to solve anything, if not make things much worse.

I get the fear of not wanting to push a friend in fear of them taking an extreme measure in response. I have a friend that was like that. It's best to just ask, listen and talk it out. Try not to interrupt her until you both properly understand the situation the other is facing. Let her speak her mind and when she's done, you tell her what went through your mind and how you felt. For all you know, it's probably someone else she's talking about 🤷‍♀️

People like her just want someone to listen to them, you know? Trust me, cutting them off sometimes can be sooooo.... I don't have the words to even describe it 💀 I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just best not to upset them further than they already are.

I hope this week was slightly better for you, luv. And I hope that things between you and your best friend gets better. Don't hesitate to reach out again, I enjoy your messages 😁

[maryellenjunior]

A visitor

Yoooo, it was meant to happen XD....na I just had this idea, and it wouldn’t leave me, so yeah, I hope it’s alright...I think there’ll be more chapters coming, until then, a happy day, a good week and a funny Halloween ;)

Oh and please! Tell me of all the mistakes I made, my English isn’t that good....soooo, besides that, I have no Idea how to write cockney English, so this is my very poor try to imitate Tom Hardy’s brilliant talking XD.

Now two words, that aren’t Enlish, more yiddish.

Mistvieh: word for animal, which is implying, that this animal is ....like difficult to keep???? There’s no fucking translation in the dictionary, it means bloody animal.

Schlamassel: Disaster

Have fun :)

_________________________

He hadn’t expected Tommy. Not right now. Not...here.

"Im going to Margain field. Maybe I see you."

This tired face of a done man had looked up.

"Maybe....maybe I will come."

 And there he was. He looked like a dead horse, Alfie once saw in France. Its eyes pitchblack, staring into absolutely nothing. It had lay on the side, its feet stuck in the barbwire.  There had been blood fucking everywhere. Though there was no blood now, Tommy didn't look better than the fucking horse.

It somehow worried Alfie.

His hands wandered through his beard.

"What the actual fucking fuck are you doing here, mate?"

Tommy took out a cigarette, his eyes looking left, right, then his eyes came back to Alfie and well, allright, Alfie hat to admit, this man truly was a sight. Damn these cheekbones and those blue eyes.

"Well, you said you were here, so I came to visit."

Alfie rolled with his eyes.

"Tommy, sweetie, if you wanna kill me, just fucking do it, but not here, in my house, it’s too nice, you know the floor just been made and my brain would completely fucking destroy the whole picture and-"

"They've killed Arthur."

"What?"

Tommy took another deep, lungdestroying drag of these awful cigarettes. Seriously this man was addictive to all the things, that killed sooner than later. Alfie always suspected Tommy somewhat suicidal, he thought it’s the business with all this death, pain and shit that comes with it.

Tommy threw the rest of this fucking smelling smogshitter into the mud. Blue eyes pierced him down.

"Can I come in?"

What was Alfie supposed to say?

So he mumbled something into his beard and by God the Almighty this was not gonna end well, he felt it in his blood.

It’s strange to have Thomas fucking Shelby in ones owned home. Alfie had the feeling that this man, these cheekbones, this coat, everything, that this man belonged somewhere absolutely beautiful. He reminded Alfie of a prince, from the fairytales, who got lost and found himself suddenly in a very dirty, fucking shithole, where he couldnt get out of. Yeah, alright, Tommy had the face of a fucking prince, all this royal blood and so on. He didn't belong here. The house was nice but it was small, it wasn’t made for these eyes, this coat, these cheekbones.

"Alfie stop thinking, it scares actually the living shit out of me."

Alfie blinked. They were already in the kitchen and Tommy was, Jesus, his mother and all his siblings too, Tommy had a cigarette again between his lips. Alfie would never admit it, but he would like to be these cigarettes sometimes, like now, yeah would be a good time to be a cigarette and-

"I'm sorry about A-"

Tommy just made a quick little shake with his hand and it was surprisingly enough for Alfie to get the message. Shut up, Alfie, please, for the love of God just stop talking. He had to smile. His sister had been the same, when he was younger he had rambled over the stupidest things. Back then her piercing look had been enough to shut him up for good.

She had died of Tuberculosis.

He was going to die of cancer in his lung. He probably was going to die like his sister. Great thing that, innit?

When Tommy spoke again, his voice was small, low, barely a whisper. Yet, Alfie had this sudden feeling of canonballs raining down on him.

"Why did you make a deal with Changretta?"

And when Tommy looked at him, it somehow moved something inside Alfie, which he thought had died during the war, at least when his mama had died.

Regret.

Alfie sat down, next to this smoking pimp. His right hand took Tommys, held it tight. His thumb made small circles all on Tommys scarred rough hand.

He could say something. But why the fuck should he do that now? He didn't say shit when his mama had died, besides the Kaddish. The same with his sister. When he had watched Schmuel, Moshe, Aaron...when they had died of this fucking gas attack and he as the youngest got the mask, he had watched. Just watching them die.

Sometimes you shouldn't say something. It won't bring someone back from the dead, or help them. Actually talking hurt much, much more than saying absolutely fucking nothing.

On Tommy’s tenth cigarette, Alfie felt his eyes slowly shut down. He hadn't let go of Tommy’s hand. He didn't know why. Did it matter?

A shuddering breath on Tommy's side woke him up a little.

"Is there a dog somewhere?"

"What?"

Blue eyes glistened softly in the dark.

"Is there a dog Alfie Salomon. In.This.House. A. Dog. An animal that does fucking everything you ask it for?"

"Yeah, yeah...there is. He's called Cyril and he's a fucking nice Mistvieh, so I would suggest, you play nice with him."

"I hope you don't snore as loud as this animal does."

"You gonna stay?"

There was this sound of a tongue twitching making a high pitch noise and yeah, again it reminded him of his sister.

So he fell to sleep.

He didn't dream. Dreaming wasn't his thing, it's more of a remembering thing. This night he remembered his family and it was a good thing, it was nice to see them all. He told them about his upcoming death and they nodded, smiled and waved at him. Death probably ain't that bad, ey?

"Alfie? Jesus fucking Christ, Alfie, are you there?"

His lungs shuddered, his whole body trembled.

Blue eyes, like the fucking sea, like the south France sea, you know the one, the one with this blue you couldn't forget, damnit, this man shouldn't exist, Alfie wanted to shatter it, this beauty, but he was too weak for that. Fucking cancer.

"Oy mate, I'm fine, I'm fine, all good and bravo. No schlamassel here, now fuck off, I know that having a Shelby nearby ain't never no good."

"You didn't breath anymore."

"That so?"

"Alfie?" Tommy's voice was soft. Gentle. God, he hated it.

"What?"

Their eyes fixed on each other.

"Stay low, I'm gonna walk the dog. You stay in that bed."

And for the first time in his life, Alfie did what he was said to. He didn't say anything, just stayed low and tried to breath.

It wasn't that he was religious. God had left him in the war. But...there was something in him, that didn't know exactly, if God existed or not, so killing himself hadn't been an option, it was just...no, you don't do that. No one speaks the Kaddish for you, if you kill yourself and Ollie would have a Trauma for the rest of his Jewish life. So the deal with Changretta wasn't out of spite, or something, it was more this idea, that Tommy would finally fucking do it. Fucking kill him.

But now he walked the dog and told Alfie to stay in bed. He...oh God...not again, he turned to the side and there it was. It was a difficult thing to describe. Suddenly everything swirled, around you, but worse, in you and you had this urge to throw up everything, everything in your whole body, organs, bones, fucking everything on the floor. And he was weak, fucking weak, his hand lying there, because he was too weak to move it. Come on, come on, he can't just throw up on his own bed?

How the flying fuck had he managed to get to bed?

And then a slap, it's a growing slap, it started in the middle and then grew, grew into a piercing sharp knife that crawled through his chest. And it hurt, by God, it hurt so goddamn much. And he couldn't help it, but he panicked, because he couldn't breathe and he wanted to throw up, wanted to die, wanted to die, wanted to die...

His sister had fought against this sickness in her for good 6 fucking months. 6 months of spasms, of pain, of coughing blood, of tumbling, falling down the steps and her babies had to watch and it had been a fucking disaster.

If he hadn't been a fucking coward back then, he would have shot her. He knew God would have forgiven him for that. He had to.

She had died during Hannukah, the only good thing of being Jewish, you could eat and just have a good time. But now, he hated it. He hated Hannukah, the candles, the food, everything. He-

"Alfie-"

The voice of a man can be frightening. He knew that from his father. But his father hadn't smoked that much, as this Godforsaken goj, so never his voice had never been this raspy. It reminded him of the war.

"You sound like my brothers smothering in gas. You should quit smoking."

He was blind, too weak to open his eyes. A deep sigh rang in his ears. He had to grin.

"It's nice here, Alfie, really..."

"God damn it, boy, you could fucking carry me in me own bed, stop pretending you can't carry me behind this house, shoot in me head and then let me rot there, or call Ollie."

Again tongue against teeth.

"I don't know if your dog would allow such a thing Alfie. And I would bury you."

"Nah, man, you would call your fucking family to do this shitwork for you. You're beyond that already, you don't bury the people you murder, we both don't, takes up too much time, we would bury for the rest of our lives, my sweet, sweet Tommy, we wouldn't be what we are if we gave a piece of shit about what we're doing."

And in that, Tommy gave a silent agreement.

[mediawhorefics]

Hi just me asking HOW ARE YOU SURVIVING OBI WAN TELL ME ALL UR THOUGHTS WE ONLY HAVE TWO EPISODES LEFT 😭

I WROTE YOU A 1K WORDS ESSAY LAST NIGHT AND TUMBLR CRASHED AND I LOST THE WHOOOOOOLE THING 😭😭😭😭

but YES I AM LIVING AND DYING AT THE SAME TIME!!!! I ASKED FOR PAIN AND THEY ARE GIVING IT TO ME!!!!! ITS AWESOME.

i'm soooo sad there's only two left 😭😭 i've heard rumours of a s2 and damn i hope its true because i'm loving this so much. i want more obi ALWAYS. (i also want more vader/anakin always cos that's my boo, my silly rabbit but that's another discussion lmao)

but yeah i'm really enjoying the show so far, i know there's been some ~discourse online cos star wars fans are the worst but i am having a blast on this bitch rn.

the fact that it focuses so much on anakin & obi-wan's relationship ??? and all the ways they still affect each other ??? all the ways they've loved and hurt each other ??????? the fact that it focuses on obi-wan's grief & guilt & trauma re: what happened with anakin???? soo sexy wow. the fact we're getting such detailed visualisation of the strength and endurance of their force bonds through the years??? it's still strong by the time it hits a new hope ??? they can still sense each other?? HELLO ???? obi-wan's devotion to anakin's children despite everything that anakin has done ?? literally no one touches ME !!!! these two are FAMILY. BONDED FOR LIFE. DRIFT COMPATIBLE. it's no secret i'm not a sequels fan and i've always said if ANYONE in the sw universe deserved to be a fucking force dyad its these two and this show really is saying you are CORRECT to bitch about it. and i love that. i mean obi-wan is HAUNTED the whole show is about love & kindness & grief & trauma and obi-wan being haunted and i absolutely love that. i love that we're taking our time building up to a big fight, that obi is rusty and emotionally wounded and struggling. he has ptsd and its exactly what i wanted to see. its SO satisfying watching him rebuilt his confidence and find himself again. and the fact that it's all motivated by LEIA ??? of all people ??? oh this deepens and enriches a new hope SO much. what a great great great idea. i didn't know i needed uncle obi this badly but FUCK. it hits. every damn time.

speaking of leia she is PERFECT. the writing for her is sooooo good. you can see the ways she's gonna grow into the character we know so well and love so much. and we can see the way the experiences she's having in this show shape the character we know. its all very clever. i'm living for it. @ sw dude bros complaining about the child i'll fucking fight you, you dicks. that little actress is doing SUCH a great job. and god, i know the show's ~leia & padme are similar agenda is strong but as a ANAKIN & LEIA ARE THE SAME believer, i am LIVING for her characterization. she's SUCH a mini anakin in so many ways. ofc anakin & padme are very similar too in that they're stubborn and fierce and passionate etc. but i feel so fucking vindicated. (and sad lbr because in an au where he doesn't fall, anakin would have loved her SO much and she'd have been such a daddy's girl. :((( they'd watch spaceships together and he'd improve her droids for her :((()

i'm also really enjoying tala (an ACTUAL QUEEN) & reva. i think there's work that needs to be done re: reva's backstory & motivation to fully develop her as a character but i'm nowhere near as bothered by it as other people online have been.... like... the only two inquisitors we know that much about are thrilla in jedi fallen order and the grand inquisitors in rebels. and even THEN that fantastic backstory is what ??? he was a jedi temple guard ??? that's...... it ??? we barely know anything about him ??? like... people will bitch and bitch about reva being underdeveloped (even tho the show isn't even FINISHED) but let's be real, a lot of the inquisitors ARE pretty one-dimensional ???? but hey, when it's a woc the character and writing gotta be perfect otherwise........ its so fucking annoying that sw fans are like that -.- . like... i want more from her too, don't get me wrong. mostly because she's badass and super smart and kinda scary and I'm INTRIGUED by her intensity. but I'm not particularly bothered yet.

the weakest part for me was no jokes the guy's grand inquisitor's performance. mostly because jason isaacs is unbeatable in my mind. (its unfair to the new guy i know i can't help it :///) but now with what happened in ep 2 i don't even know if its the same character so *shrug* idk idk. i'm really hoping we get resolution/more info re: that.

another thing is that i 100% want more vader & more hayden specifically. because i'm greedy like that. ALL the vader/anakin stuff we've had so far is PERFECT. no notes. 100000/10. he's SUCH a looming presence on the show and SUCH a strong point in it. but yeah, i want more. i can't wait to see the final showdown. i'm hoping for more heartwrenching dialogue and hopefully an attempt to bring him back from obi ??? might be wishful thinking BUT in rotj vader does say 'obi-wan once thought as you did' and lbr.... we have never seen obi-wan in canon thinking hum! vader can be redeemed! so, yk i am waiting. AND i want to see maybe flashbacks ?!! hayden is RIGHT THERE! it'd be a waste not to, right ??? right ??? so yeah, i really hope that happens. but who knows! i'm just enjoying the ride so far because the ride has been SO good lmao.

like..... they made me scared of VADER ??? i've never in my life found vader scary. he makes me sad very often because anakin is my favourite character and his story is heartbreaking. and he makes me cheer because lbr its very satisfying to see vader being a ruthless bitch and a drama queen and walking in and fucking everyone up while making stupid puns and saying raw as fuck lines (then you will die braver than most ????? i fucking love anakin). but scared ??? shit your pants terrifying???? that was a first and i LOVED it. i think deborah chow is doing SUCH a good job filming him to emphasize how nightmarish he is. it's a combination of the horror film vibes + hayden's (& the stunt doubles) posture/movements + ewan REALLY selling obi-wan's horror and fear and vulnerability that just.... makes him sooooo scary. i fucking LOVE it. it's a highlight of the show for me.

though the star remains ewan givng it his ALL. his fucking eyes........ tell a million things. i'm so glad we got him back in this role <3333

so yeah..... i'm dying and having the best time. i waited 17 years and i honestly still can't believe i get to have this tbh ????????

how about you???? are you enjoying the show ???

[whentherewerebicycles]

I’m sleeeepy today. got a lot done this morning and early afternoon but then made the fatal mistake of crawling into bed and now it’s unclear if I’ll ever manage to get out again. mm okay let’s do a little house check-in.

LIBRARY: I am so happy with the library that I make a little audible sound of delight every time I walk past it… I love it so freaking much omg. I am having a lot of trouble deciding if I want to put a cozy oversized chair or beanbag in there or if I want to leave the floor area open. cozy chair is obviously tempting but I’m not sure I would actually hang out in there to read when I have lots of other comfy spaces to be and I kind of like the clean open look. I do want to get a rug in there to complete the room but I find online rug shopping to be the most maddening experience imaginable so I might put that off for a bit. I’m kinda thinking no chair and just a rug + maybe a small end table with a plant or a candle or a lamp on it to cover up that oddly placed electrical outlet a little bit. then I’ll maybe do a few more prints on the other walls but tbd. I started successfully cleaning paint off the ceiling today but want to let the walls dry/cure just a little longer before I mess with that.

LIVING ROOM: I need to just bite the bullet and splurge on a nice TV console—it’s the one thing that room is missing and then it will be perfect. oh I guess I also need to figure out the plant corner sitch like what do I want to have going on over there once I replace the temporary makeshift plant stands. and I do probably want to paint the walls a slightly calmer green at some point (there’s too much yellow in the one I picked I think) but I can’t face it now. very happy with everything else though!! could not love my giant sectional more it’s sooooo cozy.

KITCHEN: I made some small additions and improvements last week that really pulled that room together. the actual kitchen prep area is the only part I’m not crazy about—the cheap laminate counters just show absolutely everything and I’m still hurting a bit for storage space. considering getting a small island but can’t decide if it’ll make the space feel too cluttered. tbd but it’s not urgent.

HALF BATH: I want to paint you, half bath!!! and do something about your horrible ugly tile. but I’m not sure what color scheme I want yet. I think this will be a “spend months collecting Pinterest inspo” winter project. the half bath and utility closet (now library) were the most blah and featureless rooms in the house and now the library is my favorite, so I feel confident that I can effect a similar transformation in the hall bath given time.

HALLWAYS: looking good. very pleased with the planter wall and small art. downstairs hall could eventually have a bit more going for it but idk that’s not urgent.

DAYROOM: something about this room is not right and I don’t know what it is. the wall color is stunning and I love the colorful cabinet in there but the room lacks personality other than that and I don’t spend any time in there except when I’m working at my desk. which is a shame because it’s such a lovely big open room and it gets the best natural light in the house. I guess I just feel like I haven’t figured out its character yet you know? I wanted it to feel like a cozy writing space too but it feels like it’s wholly defined by my workstation (and by my blah feelings about work by extension). I wonder if a solution might be dividing up the space more intentionally—like figuring out how to use the couch or other furniture to create the feeling of two rooms within that one space, one for writing and one for work. hmmm. I must apply my mind to it.

BEDROOM: I’ve done very little here! I think I want a friends and family photos wall or one of those strings of photos clipped on. but I might also want a hockey/fandom corner lol so I can gaze upon My Guys and feel happy. like the dayroom it’s a bit of a “lots of space but not sure what the room’s personality is yet” situation. fine for now but definitely a winter project. paint will be the thing that transforms and defines it I think. very much considering painting it (or an accent wall) that dusty terracotta pink to warm up the space but that feels daring haha. we will see!

[alwaysthrowsscissors]

Fic Writer Questions!

Thanks for the tag @venhedish dont mind if I do darlin'! Loved reading your answers too!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

17 and I started May 2020

2) What's your total AO3 word count?

84,430! Sooooo close to that 100k milestone I just need to get off my writing hiatus since I have a beefy one shot WIP and a couple kink-meme prompt fills started that will get me to the finish line!

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

On Ao3/as an adult, just Supernatural.

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Well Jung – This was my first and I’m still super surprised it took off so well considering all the head-hopping. I also hadn’t written fiction since high school so it’s pretty technically rough!

I Can’t Forget the Time and Place Where We Just Met – Who doesn’t love a good old-fashioned double amnesia fic! This was a SPN Masquerade fill and it was super fun to write!

Kiss the Cook – Another SPN Masquerade fill inspired by Dean in an apron in S15. Kitchen fucking is fun fucking!

Iodine and Stitches – 3/5 SPN Masquerade fills that I did fall 2020. Seriously such a fun event to participate in I cant recommend it enough. This is one my only fics with a serious tone throughout which is tough for this clown.

Double Jeopardy – Written for my buddy after finding out she has an intelligence kink! Cut to us giggling about Sam losing his damn mind when he plays Jeopardy with clever Dean!

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Listen…I can’t fully express how much comments give me LIFE! I want to know what you liked about my silly musings, I want to know your fav part, I want to know that I gave you a boner! I'll take a button smash, I'll take an emoticon. Anything, everything! I make a point to always respond back to show my appreciation for people taking time out of their day to make my day.

6) What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Without a shadow of a doubt Yesterday Don’t Matter if It’s Gone about what would happen if Sam and Dean hooked up during Mystery Spot and exacerbated Sam’s downward spiral during the months of Tuesdays. I write a lot of humour and this sucker is humourless PLUS has an unhappy ending! Weeee!

8) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've written?

Never have but not opposed to the idea.

9) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Nope, I’ve been pretty fortunate but I also write pretty tame shit. So if I start dabbling more in the archive warnings it may change. I do have a fun multichap wincestiel non-con WIP in the works 😈

10) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

AHAHAHAHAHA I’d say a good 90-95% of my 84k wordcount is smut! All M/M all explicit! Fun times over at Casa Scissors 😏. I do have some upcoming stuff that’s more plot heavy though which I’m looking forward to.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I fucking hope not that would be a big bummer.

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! And as a noob I had to pinch myself, it still fucking blows my mind! A lovely Ao3 user Yigelulu translated I Can’t Forget the Time and Place Where We Just Met into Chinese. It was so incredibly cool to see my words in another language and a great honour that they liked my fic enough to put in all that work!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yup! Turn Your Head and Cough with my budbud Wearingdeantoprom. Dean gets his prostate rubbed for the first time at the doctors office.

14) What's your all time favorite ship?

Wincest wincest all the wincest! My brain is infected and there is no cure! I am a pro-shipper though ship and let ship my dudes. I also dabble in wincestiel and LOVE any combination of winkline and may write it one day. I don’t really read much from other fandoms. I’ve read some George/Fred (I like brother fucking ok?) and I love me some Jess Mariano/Dean Forester over in the Gilmore Girls camp (the perfect enemies to lovers) but its unfortunately such a small ship. Any souls reading this who like those ships, please drop any recs into my box!

15) What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Anything I am passionate about I will finish. I’ve only killed one thing because I got bored with it but I posted my fav part for a fic challenge. I hate not having something to show for my spent time (I know it's a hobby but it's the principle damnit!) and I hate unfinished things. Those damn little ao3 red circles haunt me 🚫

16) What are your writing strengths?

Christ uhhh I’ll say I’m most consistently praised in comments for my dialogue and it’s what always flows the smoothest for me. I think my humour is also a strength, it comes very naturally when I write which is why I have a hard time keeping it out of my fics! Times are tough I just wanna make y’all giggle ok?

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

Frankly, my greatest weakness is that I don’t take it seriously enough to look at my past writing critically for improvement. I also write (non-fiction) for my job and had extensive training to do so, so when its for this hobby I honestly whip it out, edit a couple times, and slap it up ‘good enough’ styles and I don’t go back to re-read once posted. I think if I looked back, I could see lots of opportunities for improvement and could go from a fine writer to a good writer. I’d also say that I’ve written pretty fun fluffy cracky smutty stuff so I guess another weakness is a lack of depth of plot and subject matter. I do want to explore this stuff more though.

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

My concern is if you don’t speak the language fluently, then native speakers reading your fic might feel a big disconnect if you get colloquialisms and euphemism etc. incorrect. It could take them out of your fic if its not authentic enough. I don’t speak any other language fluently so it would END BADLY. I can speak and read French VERY POORLY and that’s it so no, I will never write in another language unless its jibberish I invented myself!

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The only fanfic I wrote before SPN last year was a handful of super cracky, gen Gundam Wing fanfiction in high school!! They are on a broken USB stick which kills me I want to read them so badly! All my other creative writing was original fiction mainly horror/thrillers. I stopped when I started my undergrad cause...that shit is a lot of work yo.

20) What's your favorite fic you've written?

My first love is my first baby Well Jung. I love the plot, I love the humour in it, I love the heart, and it’s still some of my fav sex I’ve written. And the title makes me giggle too who doesn’t love a bad pun? I'm so thrilled it was so successful but it would still be my favourite even if 3 people read it. It made me rediscover writing as a hobby and helped me explore this wonderful (yet insane) fandom. I love all my babies and I even think the writing is stronger in other fics, but he will always be #1 in my heart.

OK this was fun I love talking about fic writing! If any of you read my stuff and want to know more, hit me with an ask; I love making new frans! Tagging @oddsocksandstuff @samanddeaninpanties @raidens-realm I think my other writer mutuals have been tagged by Ven!

[korra-the-red-lion]

Supergirl 6x5: Prom Night.

Hey everyone! I’m a week late but I had a lot of stuff to do, life happens haha. Anyway, it’s all good because the new episode airs tonight so watching the first part today wasn’t a bad choice. Anyhow, if you were like me and haven’t watched it yet, SPOILERS AHEAD.

Brainy and Nia committing time travel shenanigans is something I knew was something we all needed in our lives.

Alex threatening Brainy with her eyes alone had me rolling. This is a version of Alex we haven’t seen in awhile and I was glad to see it, however how brief it was.

The two actresses who play Young Kara and Young Alex are crazily talented. They perfectly match the sisters tone, the divide between them, and even their little quirks. Midvale episodes are always great, but a lot of it is due to how amazing they are.

Brenda and Brendan has me cackling as I write this. That was so funny.

Actually, everything between Nia and Brainy was so funny in this scene. I was laughing the whole time, something I haven’t done while watching Supergirl in awhile. This season has already improved on the mess that was s5B.

Young Cat’s actress is also doing an amazing job! It’s been a while since we’ve last seen Calista, but I feel like she really captured her spirit.

The silly blue aliens had me laughing too. They’re mini villains for this two-parter, they don’t need a lot of serious depth and the writers made the right choice. They kinda remind me of Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy.

The Brainia scenes this episodes were amazing. This was something that was missing from last season, and I’m glad they’re getting a good amount of focus. They had me smiling the whole time.

Also, the CGI looks pretty good this episode. Kara using her heat vision on the baseball field, Nia using her dream corkscrew, and Brainy levitating the ship looked really good. Also the scene were Nia and Kara teamed up to stop the truck before it crashed into the bus looked awesome too. Only the pink cougar looked a little silly.

Nia almost was acting as a mentor to Kara this episode, which was a beautiful way to tie their relationship back together from s4. It was a nice thing to see.

Alex and Kara’s fight in the garage was really well done. It reminded me of s1 episode 1, when Alex tells Kara off about using her powers in the open for the first time. I think it was suppose to be a callback, and I thought it worked. It was like listening to Chyler and Melissa fighting.

Kara not choosing to tell someone that she loves a big secrets that would change the dynamic of their relationship? Sounds familiar to me...but that’s all I’ll say.

The barn looked to be a callback to Smallville. Lana and Clark’s place to meet throughout the show (where I am so far in the show). Interesting comparisons to be made here, but I’ll wait and see how this second episode goes. Kenny is a bit boring nice guy, but he was sweet this episode.

Remember the bartender we all speculated about? He just had five lines and insulted Cat, haha. Good job buddy.

Nia singing 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton healed my soul. It was utterly beautiful. I wish the scene lasted longer because I loved it sooooo much.

Overall, this was probably one of the best episodes of the season so far. I don’t really have any complaints and it was just a great campy Supergirl episode. Supergirl is always at its best when it does a campy episode, or a Midvale episode, so combining the two made a really strong episode.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[hellbabyfromhell]

i was writing a small thing and then it became big... just my thoughts about my life as of today.

the asks people sent when i told my whole stupid story about my dumb ass life were really very kind and sweet.... i read through them sometimes.... im not trying to Fish for anything when i say this but like... idk the situation i was in made it really hard for me to leave without feeling bad, and they’d thought up every way to in some way make me guilty even though objectively there wa literally nothing..... idk just, me personally i take every bad emotion a person i care about is feeling or might possibly be feeling or may feel at a future time and i soak it in like a sponge.... so they knew if they made me feel bad enough it’d make me stay.....i guess i kind of already made a post about this but some people sent asks about having gotten through situations like this, and people generally like.... expressed pride in me... lame but ever since i disconnected from everyone i ever knew before my dad died excluding maiya and online friends..... i guess what im saying is ever since my dad died and i lost that familial feeling of living in dc because i had to move, and i was far from anything i knew... i felt so, so so weak and frail, and living in my old situation was crushing me up into a tiny ball.... i feel stupid saying it but it feels good when people are proud of me ; _ ; and im proud of me too.... i really felt so small, and i was like genuinely despondent and ready to die, but i realized like.... with all the crazy ass shit that had happened to me, it would have been so easy to just Die..... and for 2 years i was barely present, but i like....survived.... and really, that was a bad time. i used to scoff when people would say i was strong for that, because i’d think: “what’s so strong about not dying...” because it felt like a suspended plan frankly (grimace emoji im typing) but i also decided that i would try as HARD as possible to NEVER act like teen me again.  because right up until my dad died, i was a brat who was unwilling to take in feedback.... i wasn’t Bad or anything (questionable) but i’d go to therapy and goof off because i was very flippant about it in a passive aggressive way.... like, CLEARLY this STUPID BULLSHIT wont help me so ill be REALLY sarcastic about it! im cool! i kind of realized it after my dad died but LITERALLY i never did ANYTHING to help myself! like, i’d get really sad, but i’d make no real effort to change that, and i thought it was ANGST and MALAISE and ENNUI, and it was that, but it was also my unwillingness to step into uncharted territory: developing myself as a person consciously lol. at therapy i never took anything in and was too busy trying to make light of my situation that nothing ever got done, and i realized i never took any advice anyway.... like, when people say “try meditation”..... like Duh thats a stupid reply but also like.... Have you? i hadnt until recently.... and guess what! it didnt work at all! but i am like willing to try literally anything (within reason) and i want to ACCEPT everything just like.... 

i was SO ADAMANT about rejecting like...... idk Norms?????? as a teen , i really dont know what my aim was but it wasn’t working and i was making people annoyed because i’d whine and whine over my problems but never do anything to fix it, and i’d go and say “NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!!!” with like 5 people messaging me. idk just, life was handing me little tools with which to improve and better myself and i refused. i was a fool at therapy and i was annoying and SOOOOO depressed but weirdly comfortable with it simply out of unwillingness to change  my habits.....you know? and after my dad died, like... everything i previously felt was just......i just realized how incredibly petty it all was? NOT t say im not petty now, but i was like GOD DAMN i was suicidal.... over that? like i was really crying and freaking out over THIS? my two years of like PTSD cocoon  smoothed it out to the point that it almost just feels like i was thinking for a really, really long time, and only came to when i felt the answer coming on. i’m not saying i don’t still grapple with self pity and stuff but i kind of blinked and absorbed the WORLD for the first time...... i really wasn’t living life yet. i was 19 which is Older than 18 and i lived with my dad and his gf and i was fresh out of high school doing a little community college.... like i was walking around dc and having a grand old time going to the cliff and the woods and then id go home and talk about how badly i wanted to die..... i just like.... i decided that i CANNOT waste any more of my time acting like that because i wasted my most precious time, time with my dad, acting like a crybaby. i’m just disgusted thinking about how many opportunities i had to be happy and have a good time that i DECIDED not to take. and i can’t even really explain why still, but i just know i can never ever be like that ever again oh god the bird is tweeting its mornign sorry im back... just SORRY that was my roundabout way of saying like... i guess i have changed and like a LOT, and i DO feel strong... so thank you for caring about y progress!! AHH!!

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET ‘19 EPISODE 23 VS FRUITS BASKET ‘01 EPISODE 19

Ok! We’re finally here! We’re at the beginning of the storm! I’m so nervous... I didn’t know how to do these comparisons especially the storyline in the 2001 version not syncing up completely with the 2019 version. But I’m just gonna try and puzzle piece my way through it, ‘kay? :)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Also, just some notes that I wanna state about the 2001 version so I don’t keep repeating myself for the next 2-3 weeks:

- I love love love the opening. It breaks my heart and heals it every time I hear it and the images of the characters by doorways/windows/alleyways looking outward and always to the side of the frame is a great artistic choice and metaphor. Also, the lyrics are just simply... everything. ‘Let’s stay together always...’

- Some of the colour choices in clothing (or even the hair) that the characters have are... interesting. I definitely find myself appreciating the newer version as you can tell they put more thought into it, even if I do think the power ranger assigned colours are kinda silly. But really? Kyo wearing pastels?! No way. ...But I kinda love it anyway. Outfit Appreciation: 2.5 stars.

- I adore the music box sounding background music. It really adds a lot of whimsy to the show and kinda reminds me that Fruits Basket in a lot of its elements takes inspiration from fairy tales. 

- The English dub voices obviously sound different and in comparison to the 2019 version, you can really tell how much they’ve all matured as VAs. ESPECIALLY Laura Bailey and Jerry Jewell.

- I also adore how ridiculous and mostly comedic the 2001 version is. Which makes the later turn in the anime so much more heartbreaking and tough to watch as it comes as such a shock compared to the tone of the rest of the anime. Unbalanced? Maybe so. But on a shallow kind of level without thinking too hard, I can enjoy it.

- I love 2001!Shigure. Again, it’s a shallow choice and I don’t deny he’s a lot more interesting and fleshed out in the manga/2019!anime. I just like 20-something year old, new-father-to-two-teens-but-he’s-not-like-a-FATHER-he’s-a-’cool-older-brother’ who likes to laze around the house in his kimono and ISN’T MENTALLY TRAUMATISING THEM. Well, without meaning to anyway... AND LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Right! Let’s get into it! 

This is me knowing the future trauma I’m going to have to go through with this anime.

But in all seriousness, the 2019 version really captured Tohru’s depression a lot better. Especially with the later scene where she breaks down in front of Kyo in the bedroom. A+ crying from Laura Bailey, I really felt it this time. As I said, the 2001 version seemed like it didn’t wanna deep dive too much so I’m glad we get a deeper in look to the complexities of Tohru this time.

It might be a translation ‘nothing’, but I find it interesting that Kyo felt like he jinxed her. Especially linked with his comments to Kagura later about how he feels ‘no one should want to hang around him’. I mean we’ll get into the reasoning for this most likely in the next two episodes but you can probably guess why... Poor kitty.

(Also side note: Do you think that’s why - out of everyone that has been bullied in this anime - Kyo seemed the least affected by school bullies? Is it cos of his experience within the Sohma family and his curse, that he almost expects that everyone he meets would treat him like that? It’s interesting because Hana had the same thought process towards her own bullying but she never fought back... But Kyo did. I might just conclude this thought as it just being in his nature to fight back, but we’ll see...)

Also, 2001 giving us Kyo freaking out in cat form about Tohru’s fever was pretty funny. Man, they really did do an overkill with the transformations back then...

2001 really was not good at showing the gradual progress of Kyo controlling his anger around Tohru as much as the 2019 version. Yes, in the 2019 ep, Kyo was still annoyed that Tohru wouldn’t just relax and concentrate on getting better but my God, Kyo is sooooo shout-y and yell-y in this version! And I don’t wike it lol.

However I shouldn’t shit on the moment too much. I do think 2001 wanted to show us that Kyo saw how receptive Tohru was to Shigure being calmer and nicer and it kind of influenced him to take more of a gentle approach to Tohru later. Kyo being influenced by Shigure is... questionable... but whatever, it’s got good intentions! (I still like the 2019 version better)

Momiji with the oversized work outfit! He’s so adorable I could cry.

- I’m kinda bummed that the 2019 version didn’t include the ‘Kyo stealing leeks from Yuki’s garden’ moment. It’s a hilarious moment (especially with Yuki’s reaction) and it is just PEAK ‘it’s not stealing if you’re taking it from family’ energy that I adoreeee and stand by lol

Really, 2001!Kyo... are you five years old?

‘ 🎵And at most... I’m sleeping all these demons away...’

‘ 🎵But your ghost... the ghost of you it keeps me awake’

Kyo seeing ghosts of Tohru is both unintentionally funny and dramatic in both versions to me, I’m sorry. I’m really just a child.

Where do I start? Kyo being ever so dramatic with the goggles and the face mask... Shigure with the all-knowing troll look. 2001 really gave us some gems and I think we all tend to forget that.

Plus...

I. LOVE. THIS. BROTHER. DYNAMIC. (I know it isn’t accurate don’t ruin the fanfic going on in my head)

- Tohru being depressed that she wasted Yuki’s time and didn’t fulfill her mother’s wishes makes me wish she was more so just concerned about herself and how she’s gonna pass for herself? But it is very much in her character to do so, so I guess I’ll let it slide. And I guess Kyo said what I said in well... his own unique way of giving advice.

- But when it came to the actual soup porridge scene, I lean more towards the 2019 version. There’s so much said in Kyo’s body language and Tohru’s own inner thoughts. She’s really falling in love with him and she doesn’t even know it!!! 

THAT PEEK FROM HIS ELBOW?! COME ON!!! STOP IT. MY HEART. these dumb fuckin kids...

I loveee the 2019 porridge moment so much more, but this moment right here just ELEVATED the whole moment. It says so muchhhh without saying much at alllll and ohhhh this poor boyyyy...!!!!! It really took a fluffy moment and just stabbed me in the heart and I guess I respect you for that? Thanks...?

I’m so glad the 2019 version is feeding us in stupid made up songs. *chef’s kiss* haha

- I’m really glad that Kisa calls Hatori ‘uncle’ in 2019 and not ‘grandpa’ like she did in 2001. Cos as someone in their mid-twenties that shit was straight up offensive lol

The Momiji and Kyo moments are always so heartwarming in this version. My faves. <3

- Also I dunno why but I really liked Hatori, The Doctor Who Smokes in the 2001 anime. It didn’t make sense but quite honestly if anyone in this anime chose to smoke to let off some steam, it should be him. (Not an advocate for smoking)

---- Right! No more 2001 comparisons cos the episode that is equivalent to this part of the episode is also riddled spoilers for the next 2019 episode so... just normal review from here. ---

Why is it that Yuki’s insults against Kyo always hurt so much more?! They are both terrible to each other but for some reason, I always feel it more when Yuki verbally backhands Kyo. Maybe it’s the way Eric Vale practically venomously spits out these words or maybe it’s cos Yuki kinda has more privilege than Kyo so it feels like he’s kicking a literal homeless cat.

- Also, my poor boy! Definitely felt myself sympathising a lot more this time around to how weak he was feeling.

Lol I felt that exasperated breath. At least this time, Kyo doesn’t call Tohru’s umbrella ‘a sissy girly pink umbrella’. A minor improvement? (So, I might of watched a bit of the 2001 version of episode 24...)

...Need I say anything? <3

- HEADLINE: Shigure ships Yuki/Tohru and Kyo/Kagura? What is he up to...

- Kyo shouting at Kagura in the middle of the supermarket was a shitty move but Kagura mooshing his head in response was great... what a terrible but very entertaining couple lol

- Kagura’s ‘If I told you, you’d cry...’ is giving me all the heart pain. How many times can I say that I’m not ready...

I’ve seen people in the tag compare this moment to his porridge moment with Tohru and while I agree, it does seem like Kyo just naturally wanted to help Tohru compared to Kyo feeling obligated to hold hands with Kagura. But errrrm.... I just think Kyo is a good kid haha. And while I do think he CLEARLY holds Tohru in a very treasured and locked away place in his heart, he just doesn’t like it when girls cry around him and will do anything to stop it. I also think he does care about Kagura, and that he’s more so annoyed that Kagura doesn’t seem to get that he won’t love her in the way she loves him (and well... her being a tsundere lol). But I could be wrong! I’m a walking manga amnesiac as always...

*HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*

Talk about FINALLY. They really named the episode that and made us wait until the LAST SECOND OF THE EPISODE TO GIVE US THE WORDS: ‘You look well...’

What a tease.

And we’re not even gonna get into the preview for the next episode and how three words made me tear up minutes before I had to go to a party on Friday night.

Wow. This might be the longest review so far. I don’t doubt that next week’s will be longer lol. The reason why I wanted to do the 2001 comparisons will probably make more sense next week and I will also say my thoughts on the 2001 version of the events with the umbrella and Kagura and Kyo’s date next week before I go into the review.

Jeez, this took two hours to write. WHY DO I DO THIS?!

[armandyke]

hallo here are the hc's i whipped up for the teacher au!! i'm sorry this turned into an essay i'm just a dumbass who loves soft teacher au a lot!!

“not sure what the others would teach in this teacher au tho-” *wakes up in the dead of night with cold sweat* *kicks down the door* I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS!!

oh boy…get ready….cause it’s A LOT

- Submitted by @katgreeves

luther: physics teacher, cause you know…spaceboy……everyone is scared at the beginning of the year when they get him as a teacher cause he’s TALL AND HUGE AS FUUUUUCK, but then fast forward two months later and everyone is chill because turns out he’s a really easygoing and soft teacher…just really socially awkward and lowkey dumb sometimes

asshole kids in his classes use his softness to his disadvantage and pull pranks on him constantly, poor guy….the other kids tho always tell them to shove it tho because he may be soft and dumb and socially awkward but he’S OUR SOFT AND DUMB AND SOCIALLY AWKWARD TEACHER DON’T TOUCH HIM!! the first time they protected him he had to remind himself not to tear up because HE FELT SO LOVED!!!! 

he gets them snacks even if they’re not supposed in the science classrooms because “eXPeriMENts and CHEmIcALsSsSsssSS!!!” and will rant for hours about space and starts and THE MOOOOON cause when he was a kid he always wanted to be an astronaut ( :’))))))) ) and his kids get fed up one day and go “why don’t you just make an astrology club mr luther????” and he does and IT’S A REAL SUCCESS WITH THE SCHOOL BODY YAY!!!

(five when he grows up also becomes a physics teacher and pesters luther all the time like “I AM 10 TIMES THE TEACHER YOU EVER WERE-” “NO YOU AREN’T STFU” and he’s technically wrong and right because material wise??? yes he’s 100% the better teacher and he always has answers to the kids questions and teaches them extra content cause he’s always been a genius but as a physics teacher that kids really like????? no siree that title goes to luther because he was a soft teddy bear to his students and they trusted him while five is eccentric and strict the the point where his kids are scared the FUCK out of him)

diego: pe teacher, SWEARS SO MUCH IN FRONT OF THE KIDS IN CLASS OMG HOW IS HE NOT FIRED YET?? is tough on the kids sometimes so push harder but IS ALSO SOFT AND REALLY ENCOURAGING THE KIDS TO WORK AND TRY THEIR BEST BECAUSE HE BELIEVES IN THEM!!! (except for the group of cocky assholes he’ll get in every class and don’t want to listen to them…he has personally removed their rights in the class)

whenever the self-defense unit comes around he’s sooooo dedicated to it and makes sure that the kids master everything to a t, cause who knows when it might come in handy??? he wants to make sure that the kids know how to protect themselves as the world is a shitty place and you never know when shit will go bad (except he does…he’s had enough bullshit and scared happen to him and has gotten involved in so many fights that he wants to make sure that the kids won’t hurt like him :“’))))))))) ) 

he’s a secret softie that will protect the kind kids that are not as good at pe and get bullied by the cocky assholes in the class becAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT HE WOULD DO NO IM NOT SELF PROJECTING OF WHAT I WANTED OUT OF MY PE TEACHERS SHUT U-

also eudora is a pe teacher and the two of them are very competitive to be the best pe teacher and this rivalry turns into playful flirting and big ass crushes that they’re way too stubborn to admit, the entire school still ships it anyways (the entire school also ships klaus and dave because gay rights!!!!!)

allison: either school counselor or principal i can’t decide because she can be super kind and open to talk and gives advice that helps a LOT but she’s also a hbic THAT CAN AND WILL run the place. 

anyways, whatever job she has, she also helps with the drama club and school plays, and literally every year the theatre kids BEG HER to kick out the current drama teachers and replace them because allison>>>>>>>>>>>> all of the existing drama teachers there  

ben: is either a literature or philosophy teacher. super smart and knowledgable but is also really laid back and fun to talk to. he’s got a dark and snarky sense of humor and his students always have sass battles with him. the number of INSANE inside jokes his students and him share is HUGE.

HE DEMANDS THAT HIS STUDENTS PARTAKE IN READING TIME IN THE BEGINNING OF CLASS NO MATTER WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO BECAUSE READING IN AN IMPORTANT SKILL AND HOBBY FOR DEVELOPMENT AS A READER, WRITER, LEARNER, AND OVERALL PERSON AND NO AMY DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME I’M THE TEACHER HERE AND I SAID NO ELECTRONICS SO PUT THE GODDAMN PHONE AWAY BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AN-

anyways…he is really considerate to what students need and makes them as relaxed as possible because school is HELL. students LOOOOOVE HIM. HE’S THE ONE TEACHER BESIDES DAVE THAT LITERALLY EVERYONE LIKES. (highkey inspired by my philosophy and lit teachers because they’re also really smart but sassy and cool like ben and I JUST THINK THEY’RE NEAT)

vanya: strings orchestra teacher for obvious reasons. she was real shy at first when she first got hired but the the strings department at that time was soooo small and crappy that she went “oh HELL no,” rolled up her sleeves, and set to revitalize it just because she cares about music so much.

she recruited more students, got more advanced music so the kids could feel a challenge and be motivated to improve, and collaborated with the choir and band departments to provide more clubs, events and opportunities outside of class for kids to do music.

she is a no business type of teacher when it comes to arrogant people that put other players down or people who don’t practice and goof around and will snap at them SO HARD because everyone needs to be at their a game for a concert and in an orchestra no single person is bigger that the collective. she’s however SOOOO SOFT with really soft playing and shy kids because she understands how it feels when you think your playing isn’t good enough, so gives them extra help, gives them solo lines or solos to play so they gain more confidence in themselves, all while constantly giving encouraging words about how much they’ve improved that always makes them feel better and more motivated to improve.

she’s an absolute anxious and cranky maniac a week before the concert but she throws parties with food, drinks, and games afterwards to celebrate with her kids. she constantly gets them to play music related games and challenges that they do as a class for team bonding to make things more entertaining in class. she makes dumb music puns a lot too! 

she also will in the class say crazy stories of her childhood and the crazy shit she and her siblings did and then somehow always relate it back to the lesson and make it some sage advice…the kids never understand how she does it

(me???? self projecting more of my teachers into this au cause they’re cool??? more likely than you think)

also one day she chops her hair real short and cute and the conversation with her students basically went like this:

students: miss vanya you cut your hair???

vanya: yes kids I’m a lesbian

students: !!!!!!!!!!!!

vanya: ;))))))))

students: MISS VANYA SAID GAY RIGHTS!!!!

vanya: HELL YE I DID!!!

bonus grace yayyyy!!!!!: is the school nurse…she’s so sweet, so soft….has precisely whatever people need when they feel sick/injured…helps them calm down in they’re freaking out…always has a couple of beds in the nurse’s office so people can lie if they feel dizzy…gives out candy/sweets/food to people so they feel better!!

diego meets her a lot because a lot of kids in his class gets injuries and he takes them to the nurse and he jUST LOVES HER SM!!! INSTANT MOM FIGURE!! THEY TALK AND JOKE AND LAUGH TOGETHER AND GRACE WILL ALWAYS GIVE HIM A PASTRY SHE MADE WHENEVER HE COMES BY AND HE JUST IS SO SOFT AROUND HER ITS GREAT (his students find his sudden change in his demeanour amusing “hey mr diego is nurse grace your MMMmoooOoOooOOOmMMMMMMmmmmmM??” “kid your a good one but say that shit to me one more time and I will beat the sh-”)

she always has a smile on her and everyone LOVES HER…..except for the administration that always want to get her fired because they are assholes and they think she’s too weird to stay. however, every time they try to fire her, a certain teacher comes by the office for what they claim is a civil discussion...and after an hour of yelling, death threats, and the door getting 10 knife marks they go “you know what grace…you can stay" 

those assholes are persistant though, and one time though not even a certain teacher could get them away from firing her so once the news breaks out that nurse grace is leaving the whole school is FURIOUS and throws a 1 week riot and the administration get so scared and tired that they just go "OK WERE SORRY JUST KIDDIN- OK OK SHE’S STAYING FOR GOOD JESUS”

grace is so grateful that she makes a whole bunch of cake for everyone and everyone with tears in their eyes just goes “this…is why we love you sm nurse mom”

~~okkkieee that’s the end of it sorry it’s a literal essay I just got very passionate about this au lmao rip!!! I’m slowly tempted to write a fic about it even though i’ve never written a fic before in my LIFE and I already have like 3 other au fic ideas in my head already smh

[freelance-arc]

Growth hurts and 2020 is the best year yet.

Sooooo. What’s been happening, yo?

End of January. Damn.

Last year January was about a thousand million years long. My better half bought me a watch to cheer me up. It’s one of my most prized possessions! 

But this year is different. It’s hopeful.

Last year I was listening to Ricky Gutierrez and Tim Sykes, trying to learn as many day trading patterns and indicators as I could. I’d uncovered a rich vein of successful people and FREE INFORMATION and I was gonna take EVERY. LAST. DROP.

Those guys are all about trader mindset. So I started listening to Tony Robbins a lot too, for general mindset advice. 

Now… Tony. Tony, tony, tony. What a guy. He gets you where you need to go, or at least heading in the right direction. He guides you and gives you tools, but he also cranks up your pain. He cranks up the pain of your present position so much, you can’t bear to stay where you are any longer. You HAVE to make the change!

Which is great, if you’re able to make a swift change in your lifestyle. If you have savings to fall back on, Skills that are immediately marketable, and the means to sell them straight away. 

If you don’t have those things like I didn’t, then you have no choice but to keep grinding in the groove that you’re in until you can climb out of it.

You need to work out what you can do, how you can make it profitable, how you can sell it, build a client base, and then generate enough repeat income that you can quit that day job and go it alone. But it takes time to do these, especially when you have to give up the bulk of your every day to someone else’s production and sitting in traffic.

It hurt.

I lost track of how many times I cried. At home, and particularly on the way to work in the morning. Pulling over with tears rolling down my face, having another panic attack.

My pain had been cranked up to a point that I couldn’t bear it any longer. I HAD to get out, but the only thing you can do is remain, and try not to let the pain crush you.

It was hard. So hard. I was a mess.

I wrote a post a while back about how the change is difficult. About the pain of switching yourself from who you are, to who you need to be. It’s not nice. But to climb out of the rut you need to grow strong. And growing strong causes pain and soreness.

You really do give sweat and tears. The blood, sometimes at least, is metaphorical.

Wind on to 2020. Well, I’m a year down the line. The pain was cranked, the mindset has been changed, and I’m now well on the way to my own fleet of private jets!

But seriously, this year feels more positive. MUCH more positive. The light at the end of the tunnel is closer and illuminates SO much more. There’s opportunity everywhere. 

The positivity is flowing ladies and gentlemen. I may not have financial abundance yet, but I’m abundant in positivity!

Because there’s so much opportunity, the risk now is spreading myself too thin. Trying to take on too much in too many different areas, and consequently achieving nothing. Bummer.

There’s so much to be done, and nowhere near enough time to do it!

Finding the time can really be a struggle.

Little and often helps. Do a little bit, every day. Before you know it you have infrastructure and assets. Things to step you up to the next level. I’ve been writing and studying. Sometimes just 10 minutes a day, but it adds up. I’m at the point now of having a portfolio of work to show potential clients.

All because I started writing and kept going.

Focused work towards a defined goal creates results.

What’s the point of this though? What’s the takeaway?

So focusing is key. You have to keep doing that thing you do, every day as much as you can. Keep your mind on task and don’t let the distractions creep in.

I tell you what though. It is confusing sometimes trying to maintain an overview of the whole project, as well as being able to concentrate on the small details, like the colours for the brand.

I have discovered the way to do it is to deal with one thing at a time, and get organised. It’s almost too obvious.

Handle things as they come up. Make lists, keep them all in the right place. Hell, it took me an hour this morning before I started writing to sort out my Drive, and put the finished posts, unfinished pieces, ideas and lists into their correct places.

Now that’s been done though, on to the next step. Lesson learned.

Organise.

Once everything’s sorted, keep it that way, it’s so much easier and more productive when you can find THAT THING you need, cos it’s in its place.

As far as my own actions recently go, I’ve been reading Think And Grow Rich. Dan Lok says he read it about 10 times. There’s probably something in that!

It’s a good book so far. I can see why people rave about it. The main takeaway of the book so far is that belief is important. Like, REALLY important. You have to believe, with unstoppable force that YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL.

He gives affirmations to do daily to ready you for money and success. Because after all if you aren’t prepared for it you could very easily lose your hard-earned fortune when it comes.

Writing practice is important, especially as a copywriter. I won’t get very far if I can’t write will I? haha! To that end, I’ve been writing daily. Churning it out and making improvements. I think it’s helping, that my writing is improving.

I’ve kept training, although at a reduced level. I had to drop 15Kg off my shoulder press due to this damn injury. I bought a new shoulder brace and have been taking Ibuprofen to ease the pain and any inflammation. I’m itching to get back to speed again, I have to admit.

My Grandmother passed over Christmas, and her Funeral was last week. It was sad, but as I stood there, remembering her I just wanted to make her proud. I knew I have to stay on this path and see it through, to achieve all my dreams. I think she’d be proud of that.

On a lighter note. There’s LOADS of motivational stuff on Insta! It’s so good. I found a page for writers, and it was full of gold. There’s writers, artists, gym peeps and trainers, and of course Garyvee. I’ll share some of my favourites for y’all to check out.

Please dig into your niche and let me know which are the best people and pages to follow! 

Slow steady progress has been January, that’s okay though cos Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t expect your dreams to be either. This isn’t a get rich quick scheme, this is decisive focused action to take you to your abundance lifestyle.

Build your dreams.

[ixiraider]

I’m extremely lenient towards the few glitches that exist in The Darkest Faerie cuz overall I think it’s a fantastic game that was made with very little and it’s overall done so so so well, the little imperfections mostly just make me sad cuz it is so good and it wouldn’t take much more to clean up the last few issues to make it perfect. I think if I were to have the power to go through and “fix” the game the major glitch I would want to address is the fact that the Arena District in Act IV is permanently trapped in cursed-mode after you save it. I also would desperately want to bring back the cut Ancient Castle Spires level, because I think it’s such a cool location. To be honest I still have no clue why it was cut, especially considering it was featured in the original game trailer. Though maybe that means that it was one of their earliest “finished” levels, and it does utilize a lot more environmental “danger” outside of enemies than most of the rest of the game (moving spiked obstacles, lasers, etc) which makes it a cool trailer level, but they scrapped it as they developed more that they felt would fit the area better that also fit the tone of the rest of the game’s atmosphere more? I mean, the purple lasers are an outlier, and the “infiltrating Meridell from the sewers” sequence is already sooooo long and exhausting... but there are other “weird” moments in the game (like everything going on in the Werelupe Woods crypt with its rainbow bridge eyeball puzzles????) and the occasional weird moment makes it fun and memorable and I still think it looks really cool :(

Also I feel like this practically goes without saying but the Darkest Faerie’s final boss fight would need to be changed hugely to actually be an engaging final fight, and I do agree with the people who say that there should have been post-game quests and stuff, just because they made such a cool fun huge world for that game and it would have been really cool to have had the ability (maybe get a “flight”/fast travel option where you can ride Solarin the Uni to quickly move between locations like Meridell/Brightvale, Faerieland, and Altador) and it’s sad that after the main quest ends it’s just instantly over. And I guess overall there are little things I would want to just add to, because I do think that for reasons that prolly had to do with either budget or time some stuff gets less attention than it could have, like certain scenes that should have been cutscenes, certain boss battles that could have been harder, etc.

I think the biggest thing I would want to change though is that I really genuinely don’t like Act II (Robert’s Story). Even as a kid I didn’t like how they did it. It’s so short. Tormund’s Story in Act I is HUGE and Act III is absolutely huge as well. Tor gets so much time and development and we see his entire journey from being a farmboy taking care of chores for his parents to being a squire and doing chores and quests for the castle to becoming a fully-fledged knight. There’s so much to explore and tons of side quests and story development. Roberta gets almost nothing. Every quest is main story-relevant/required, there are no side quests at all. Some of the pivotal cutscenes are optional and we don’t even get a cutscene when Jerdana gives her the amulet... which is for a silly reason too. She just does it at random and then asks Roberta if she’ll get her petpet out of a tree 😭 It’s so anticlimactic and so less meaningful than Tor and it does feel like Roberta is left as an aside or a secondary character for the vast majority of the game. Her only shining moment is really when she gets Fyora’s Rod in Act III and that’s only short lived... If I were to “remake” or “improve” The Darkest Faerie I would totally redo Act II. I think it would be really cool to maybe give Roberta diplomat missions other than the one we see, where we can learn more about her ahead of time (they could even just use preexisting locations, like Market Town and Bogshot, but keep the larger areas you’ll explore in Act III inaccessible?). They could be missions that involve her using magic to defend herself and others during her travels. Jerdana could still ask Roberta to help her with her petpet but instead of it just being up a tree maybe it’s missing and you have to go on a more dangerous quest to find it. Hell, even if the order was just rearranged and Roberta saw the petpet, rescued it out of kindness alone without being told to ahead of time, and THEN Jerdana saw that and gave her the amulet because she could tell she was goodhearted... Anything like that coulda been better. Roberta just deserved way more than what Act II gave her as a setup I feel. As a kid I always preferred Tor for a lot of reasons, partly cuz I’m a guy so I just usually preferred playing as guys in games but also because I loved dogs and knights and found close-range attacks more fun, but it definitely feels like Roberta is an afterthought... and considering early concept art shows that she didn’t even exist, and it looks like her original counterpart was actually much younger and treated as much less significant than Tor (look at the original box art!), it looks like she kind of was.

None of this is to complain about the game though. I adore The Darkest Faerie to death and this is my rambling out of love thinkin about little things that would be fun to change. Maybe someday for fun I’ll write a novelization of the game and keep most things intact but add more to the things that I’d love to have seen developed more in the game! 🤔

[michael-radi-the-glamorous-life]

Let The Sunshine In

Lately, I’ve been hearing a common refrain from people throughout my life - friends, family, students, parents, and even strangers and acquaintances on social media…

“I’m just so tired. Everything is exhausting.”

And when exploring this a little further, I’ve begun to notice a pattern. A very common pattern, in fact, and one that I have fallen into many times.

Does this - or something like it - sound familiar?

Wake up

Caffeinate/Eat

Work

Eat

Work

Exercise perhaps?

Obligations

Eat

Obligations

Zombie out in front of electronics

Sleep

Rinse and repeat.

This is a common pattern - and I have absolutely nothing against patterns or routines, I personally thrive off them! But the above doesn’t seem to be leaving much, if any, time for joy.

Now, I’m not talking about carving out big periods of time on a daily basis for “relaxation” or regularly skiving off obligations to instead do something fun. What I’m talking about is finding a way to include just a little bit of joy in your daily life. Just a little bit of sunshine amidst all the necessities.

But how?

Walking Proudly In Our Winter Coats

“Michael, why are we talking about this? You’re not a life coach, so what’s the artistic spin here?”

Excellent question as always, dear reader!

Do you ever notice how we sometimes wear our exhaustion as a badge of honor? We may hate how tired we are, but then we’ll compare how run-down we feel to how our friends, enemies, frenemies, and/or strangers feel.

Of course we do, we’ve been conditioned to do that! *Work yourself to death for that money, or die trying!*

But this overworking is a strictly capitalist idea - it’s meant to produce output, not creativity. It’s about the greater machine, not the individual. It’s about achieving what we’ve been told to achieve or what we need to achieve for survival, not about what we are interested in or what we desire.

Therefore, dear reader, it’s relevant to art because creation is something we do to bring us joy in our lives.

For many artists, even though our art is our careers, we are often not getting paid enough by our creative endeavors to work purely in that field on a daily basis. So we must take other jobs as well that may not be as fulfilling (though hopefully they are adjacent to our careers), but at least they make us the money we need to survive and fuel the creative side.

But when there is no time or energy left in our routines - something that tends to be a gradual shift and which we don’t see happening - the art and the joy are left to the wayside. And then the world is a lot less beautiful and interesting.

Exhaustion is not a badge to wear. An inability to be energized is not good. A lack of joy, large or small, is not positive for anyone.

Ultimately, however, it is us who has control.

Simple Joys

There are countless things in life that could potentially bring us joy, which means there are a million and a half ways of incorporating those things into our lives.

I can only speak from personal experience and the experiences of those I am close to, but I think the basic principles can be applied to most everyone.

Here are the things that we first need to know:

Was there a time my daily routine made me happier? Have you always felt this way - just tired all the time? Or was there a time when things were better? When was that?

What changed? If there was a less overwhelming time, what is the difference between then and now? Perhaps even write out what your day looked like then and what it looks like now. What’s different? Is there an obvious shift of some sort?

What small things bring you joy? These can be things that, perhaps, you used to have or do that have fallen to the wayside recently. Or these can be things that you like to do, but you only reserve them for specified “relaxation times.” Or perhaps they are changes you’d like to make, but just haven’t figured out how yet.

What in your daily life is exhausting you the most? Sure, most of life is tiring. Everything demands energy from us - work, travel, family, clients, social obligations, unexpected events, emergencies, phone calls, texts, emails…the list goes on. But what are your top, biggest drains? Can anything be shifted to make these less exhausting in any way?

Are there smaller exhaustions you can get rid of? These are things like not answering work emails after 5:00pm. Or, deciding that you don’t have to pick up the phone every time it rings. Can the smaller things be gotten rid of or diminished?

Now, do you see ways to incorporate the small joys into your daily routine? Have you actually created spaces that can be filled? Or do you see any flexibility?

This process is not of my creation, it was recommended to me by a therapist friend of mine several years ago. At the time I was young and stupid and proud, and totally ignored the advice.

Bad move.

I allowed myself to go from feeling tired all the time, to absolutely exhausted and depressed. Again, this is a common pattern that sooooo many of us fall into. But! This process is fantastic and it works.

Allow me to give you an example from my own life.

Sweet Summer Evenings, Hot Wine and Bread

Last year my routine began to feel tiring and stale.

In addition to the tons of work I was doing for my job, I was working like a madman during any and all open times in my schedule to prepare The King’s Legacy and its materials for the upcoming production.

I wasn’t creating. My lists had lists. Anxiety was building into sleeplessness. Exercise became too much of a chore. Food was becoming a struggle. In other words - I was leaning into all of the behaviors that perpetuate exhaustion instead of fighting it.

Super common pattern.

There wasn’t a ton of leeway in my schedule to do anything about it, but I decided to shoehorn some flexibility in there anyway. I couldn’t stand the tiredness any longer. So…

Step 1 - The blog. I began to write this blog on a weekly basis. Perhaps there wasn’t enough time in my schedule to work on a new project or do much in-depth writing, but at the very least I could write a weekly, one-off piece to whet the creative muscles.

Step 2 - Podcasts. I love learning. I’m a huge nerd (surprise!) and I adore information. So I began taking my long commute drives and turning them into educational sessions by listening to podcasts. Instead of feeling tired at the end of my commute, I felt engaged and productive. I gained energy instead of losing it.

Step 3 - Greens. When working on Long Island I often buy a meal while I’m out there - partially for convenience and partially for lack of time. But I was always trying to be super conscious of how much money I was spending, and that was driving my food choices. Therefore, I wasn’t eating as many healthy choices as I could have been. So I decided to suck it up, pay the extra $3/day, and get a big ole salad as my daily LI lunch. Turns out that healthy foods really are that important.

Step 4 - Order the damned coffee. I love coffee and always have. Not for the caffeine necessarily, I just love coffee. I was feeling super guilty about the extra caffeine, cost, and stomach acid that was coming from my afternoon coffees before work, but I also work afternoons into the evenings and needed to remain awake enough to teach. So, I made the decision to just do it. Make it part of the day, no questions asked. It’s no longer a daily choice to get the coffee, it’s routine, and therefore no reason to feel guilt. Apparently, that small amount of daily guilt was draining more pre-work energy than the coffee had been providing.

Step 5 - Socialize. I realized about halfway through last year that I hadn’t been seeing my friends as regularly as I previously had been. Instead, I was choosing to spend all of my time working. As soon as I made the choice to stop working and socialize at least once per week, there was a marked improvement in my happiness level.

And these were just the changes that I made last year. Since returning from the summer, I came prepared with a plan to add even more happiness into my daily life. Here are some other changes I’ve made:

Buying scented candles - They may be expensive, but they make me feel calm and productive. Seems worth it.

New exercise routine - The old one was stale and not giving me the necessary endorphins.

Eating - I’ve stopped being as worried about counting calories, and thinking more about which foods I eat and how they will (positively, I hope) affect my body.

No more double screens - I used to scroll through my phone while watching TV at night and I think it made me overstimulated and anxious. Now, I take care of my social media first when I get home, then watch a little TV. Seems to help.

These little changes are working for me. I feel more energized and more ready to attack the day all day long. They may be tiny alterations, but they do add up.

Why Not Go Ahead?

I know that everyone is different. Peoples’ schedules and struggles and energy levels and physical/mental situations vary greatly.

But this is all I urge you to do:

If you’re one of those people feeling constantly exhausted, I want you to first forgive yourself. It’s okay to feel that way, and it doesn’t have to be a forever problem.

Then, I want you to take the time to evaluate, but do it on your schedule. When you’re able. No pressure. But, as I learned, it really is good advice from the mental health field and it does help.

And lastly, find some simple joys. Whether that be buying all the pumpkin spice you can consume, writing for 15 minutes two days per week, shutting off your phone at night, or planning a little me-time into your week…whatever it is, it will help rebalance your energy levels.

Find a little sunshine and let it in.