#its my spring break!!! i wont have time to do all this again!!!

[skyeateyourdonuts]

dangerrrrrr

[hwasoup]

Tale As Old As Time

playlist

art credit: marbipa

hii guuyys its soup !! what a crazy week it has been. I have a class where my group is shit except for 3 ppl and i've been really excited for spring break. Talking about spring break, after this update I wont be updating until after my spring break, However that doesn't mean i might release little mini stories that take place during this chapter !! I will still be active, juuust not writing as much. spring break for me ends on March 17th so be on the lookout for an update during that week !!

for this chapter I took some actual lines and dialouge from a book and sonnet !!

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warnings: pure fluff if you're allergic to it and maybe a little smexy thoughts, and some evil planning

words: 3.3k

Chapter 5: A Second Chance

After arriving back at the castle…

Miguel is taken all the way to his room where he could rest and heal from his wounds. Y/N peeked inside his room worried but was shut out by Lyla who softly told her that Miguel is currently having his room cleaned up. Y/N nodded as she waited outside. 

After what seemed to be an hour, Y/N peeked back inside with a cloth and some hot water in a bucket. She noticed how his room is tidier and much cleaner from the original state from what it was. She thought that maybe, the Beast was too embarrassed for her to enter his room in such a grave state. Lyla hopped in the room besides Y/N and led him to the bed where Miguel was laying. Everyone was huddled by the bed with worried faces as they hoped for Miguel to feel better. Miguel on the other hand was still a bit grumpy and in pain as he was licking his own wounds. Y/N with a small sigh picked up a stool and sat right beside the bed and placed the rag into the hot water. She then picked it up and squeezed it to remove any excess water. “Here, and stop licking that you’ll only infect it further...” she says softly as she approaches him. Miguel looked at her and snarled a bit, Y/N sighed, and she grabbed his arm and placed the wet rag on the wound. Miguel roared loudly in pain and yelled at her “COÑO THAT HURTS” 

“Well if you didn’t move so much then It wouldn’t have hurt!” 

“WELL IF YOU DIDN’T RUN AWAY, THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED”

“WELL IF YOU DIDN’T FRIGHTEN ME, I WOULDN’T HAVE RAN AWAY” 

Miguel opened his mouth but then stopped as she did have a point. “W-WELL, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE TO THE WEST WING” he smirks to himself as he thinks that he got the final word. “WELL YOU SHOULD LEARN TO HOLD YOUR TEMPER!” Miguel’s smirk dropped from that statement; she also had a point too.

Miguel eventually gave up as he dropped his arm for her to treat him. He did have to admit, it felt nice being cared for by someone. He growled again as he felt the heat and sting from the wet rag go back on his arm. Y/N looked at him and softly said “sorry if it stings a bit…” Miguel simply had to hold in his growls as he felt the hot water from the rag permeate his wounds. Y/N eventually looked at him and whispered “by the way… gracias ..por salvar mi vida…” Miguel was surprised and even felt touched for her appreciation. He didn’t know what to call the emotion, but he liked it. He turned to look at her with kind eyes “you’re welcome...” 

After a while, Miguel fell asleep and Y/N slowly walked out of his room along with the others who were watching their interactions. Y/N turns around and crouches a little as she hears Miles say “Thank you…we’re grateful for you helping him..” 

Y/N sighs and asks “why do you all care for him so much ? He’s so…well you know

Peter was polishing Mayday a little and looked up at Y/N “well…it's because we all grew up with him, we basically looked after each other for his entire life” Y/N’s heart crumbled a little for them “But…he’s the reason why he basically cursed all of you, why stay with him?”

Jess waddled up to her and sighed “well…it's because we didn’t do anything when his mother died and when his own brother left him. It was just Me and Peter, the others eventually came in as their own parents couldn’t work in this castle anymore. You see when we knew him…he was this bright boy that thought he could do anything, but…in the end we’re still servants, we couldn’t even do anything when the King took him under his wing and molded him to be the person he is today…” 

In that moment Y/N understood everything now, she understood why these people were so loyal to him. She felt pretty bad and well ultimately decided that maybe she should give Miguel a second chance..

As the days went by, Y/N constantly went to see Miguel with medicine and more hot water to clean his wounds. Everyday she would hear stories from the staff of how Miguel was and their experiences with him, Heck even Hobie gave her a funny story. She felt motivated for a strange reason to help him and maybe even get to properly know him a bit better. Y/N eventually found out what the spell was about and she remembered asking Gwen what it meant if the last petal fell. In Gwen’s words she basically said “we become dead antique looking objects” Y/N also asked Peter when she found him on what it would take to break the spell, Miles was eager to tell her but Peter stopped him by simply saying “it's not something you should really worry about” Y/N thankfully took a hint and moved along with her day.

More days passed and Y/N started simply reading aloud to kill time 

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,” 

Miguel slowly stirred to Y/N’s voice and his eyes fluttered to hear her reciting a sonnet. His heart strangely softened at her voice, but he assumed it was because he appreciated her care for him during the past few days.He then heard the lines she spoke and immediately recognized it and finished the last few lines

 “And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines”

Y/N stopped to look at him in awe “conoces a Shakespeare ??” she said in a slightly excited tone. Miguel moved from the left to right side of the bed to look at her, his heart slightly pounding at the sight of her “well..I had quite the expensive education” Y/N smiled at him “My favorite play is Romeo and Juliet” Miguel rolled his eyes and groaned “why am I not surprised” he said shaking his head in utter disappointment. “Como ?” Miguel chuckled and responded “All of that heartache pining, and romance, it's just-” Miguel makes a gagging noise to express how cringe he finds it. 

Y/N chuckled a little and smiled. “Well, Mr. Cringe, from this assessment I can concur that you’re feeling a bit better, If you’ll excuse me, I promised Mayday that we would build a snowman” Miguel nodded as he understood and watched her walk out of his room. He lay there in confusion and wondered if he was going mad…"diablo, que hermosa” he muttered as he covered his face with his arm.

__________________________________________

An hour later

Y/N was walking outside with the adorable teacup to build a snowman. She smiled each time that Mayday pointed out little items that could be used to build. The two happily built a snowman and stole a carrot from Felipe’s stables to place as the snowman’s nose. Too bad Felipe saw them and started playing with them as well and squished the snowman. However, at a balcony high up in the castle, Miguel was watching Y/N from a distance. He softly watched her and smiled each time she laughed or smiled. He looked down at his bandaged wound and sighed as he wondered what to do. He looked beside him as Peter was paying attention to his darling daughter, hoping she wouldn't get trampled by Felipe. “Hey Peter…uhh…what do you call it when you-” Miguel gulped a little “when you feel kind of fluttery when staring at someone” Peter turned to him and smirked “is this someone, a certain woman who’s frolicking in the snow” Miguel groaned at his teasing and sighed “coño vale ok, jeez…but uhh…what do I do for her…I mean..she’s done so much for me” Peter then thinks for a bit and then smiled when thinking of something “why don’t you show her the library, trust me she’ll like it.” Miguel nodded as he took his advice and decided to show Y/N the library. A bit later during the day Miguel found Y/N inside the castle playing chess with Miles and asked her to join him for a special occasion. Y/N agreed and followed him, but immediately was tied a ribbon on her eyes “It’s a surprise and I don’t want you peeking.” 

Y/N smiled and simply allowed Miguel to guide her into the greatest surprise of her life. She heard a door open and felt his large furry hands take her inside. She kept on walking until he brought her to a stop. "Can I take this ribbon off now?” Y/N asked. “Ya en un ratito” Miguel excitedly went to the windows and opened the curtains for light to come inside.  Y/N could see the light seep in through the ribbon, but she still couldn’t make out what she’s looking at. “Can I take the ribbon off now ??” Miguel smiled with his toothy grin and told her “Yes, you may take off the ribbon” Y/N untied the ribbon from the back of her head and then finally looked into the room she was actually in and her jaw dropped. There were books everywhere in this giant room. “Oh my..this library…it's so...Dios Mio, it's so grand, it's wonderful !!”

Miguel smiled at her reaction, it was definitely priceless and worth it to see her cheeks rise and to see her eyes ever so slightly crinkle at the ends of her face. “I suppose it is” he responded “well…then since you like it so much then it's yours to keep” Y/N excitedly looked at him and asked “ Have you read all of these books ?” Miguel chuckles and scoffs “Not all of them, some of them are in Latin”  Y/N laughs and smiles “was that a joke ? you like telling jokes now ?” Miguel turned around to a table, but then looked back at her and smiled “maybe”

—- —- —- —- —- —- —- —- —-

It has now been around 3 months since Y/N has stayed in the castle and ever since the two of them have slowly developed a bond. They became friends, but at the same time they really weren’t. The staff noticed it and were just simply happy to be working again. There were certain instances where Miguel was a bit gruff, awkward, or just had odd behaviors, but Y/N found solutions to each one. When eating soup at the dinner table, instead of using spoons they would sip the contents of the dish from the bowl itself. When eating meat, they would use their hands, and when reading books the two must sit together and share the book.

“Who knew that this would work ?” Jess whispered. Peter nodded and smiled “I'm surprised myself, it's quite encouraging to be honest”  Little Mayday who was with them looked up at her father “daddy ? what IS werking ?” Peter chuckled and looked at the little teacup “nothing to twist your little head around May, come on now we have things to do in the kitchen” Mayday nodded and hopped along with her father to the kitchen. Jess peering at the newly formed friendship smiled “don’t screw up Miguel”. She left the room to another part of the castle to attend her duties at. 

During this period of friendship, Miguel had started to wear clothes instead of the rags he wore, he wanted to look more presentable to Y/N. Luckily the seamstress was willing to sew new clothes for him in his furry stature. Y/N had invited him to walk outside to finish the book they were currently reading: The Count of Monte Cristo. He eventually met up with y/n as they took a stroll outside in the wintery snow. Y/N every once in a while, would peer up at him to spot any grimaces in his face, but was met instead with a calm look. As she read, she couldn’t help but peer at him one more time, her thoughts straying away to some impurities, her thoughts slipping as she imagined Miguel’s furry chest against her own body. She blushed at her own actions and disregarded it. She didn’t want to believe she just thought of something like that. The two finally walked by a bridge as she finally read the last sentences of the book “Gone,” murmured Valentine; “adieu, my sweet Haidee—adieu, my sister!”

“Who can say whether we shall ever see them again?” said Morrel with tearful eyes.

“Darling,” replied Valentine, “has not the count just told us that all human wisdom is summed up in two words?—’Wait and hope.’” 

Miguel smiled at her last words and looked at her “well that was quite the story” Y/N looked up and smiled at him. “I agree” Y/N put away the book in a bag and then smiled as she walked quickly towards Felipe, gently petting the horse and feeding him some apples that she had stored in her bag. She gestured for Miguel to come. He gulped as he looked at the horse, he didn’t want to frighten him with his beastly appearance, but the reassurance that y/n gave him was enough. He slowly approached Felipe and tried to put his hand on the horse, but Felipe nickered. The noise startled Miguel as he slightly flinched. Y/N chuckled a little and helped Miguel approach Felipe again, she wondered how he was just so sweet and kind despite his angry facade. When Miguel finally placed his hand against the horse his ears perked up and he looked up at Y/N with a toothy grin. She chuckled as she looked at him dearly, she enjoyed that his curiosity was emerging and his uncertainties as well. She handed him some bird feed and showed him how to feed birds in a quiet manner as well. Miguel looked at her as he was able to pet Felipe and successfully feed some birds. He thought how her glances were just so adorable, how she would always place a hand on him without any fear. He wanted to ignore all of these little things she did, but he simply couldn’t get over her. Her body was so petite against his, it just made his mind wander to farther places. However, his thoughts were interrupted when he realized he had birds perched all over his upper body and feeding the seeds from his hands. Y/N on the other hand was watching silently from behind a tree as she had to make terms with herself that she was finding Miguel’s true personality quite attractive. She always knew as a child that the man that she falls for would be for who he is, but she never expected this to be in THIS way. Y/N looked back quickly at Miguel and chuckled at all the birds on him, but her playfulness got to her as she started a snowball fight with him. The two in the snow played around, throwing snowballs at each other relentlessly, some bigger some smaller, and Miguel using his size as an advantage to make a giant snowball to throw at Y/N. 

After a long day of just playing in the snow, the two came inside to sit by the fire to start reading yet another book. Peeking outside the room where the fireplace was located. Miles, Gwen, Lyla, Peter, Mayday, and Jess were looking at the two of them. 

“Y’know…I think they like each other” “Y’know what miles, I think you’re right.”

“Shush you two do you want us to get caught.” Peter chuckled “alright Jess, just let them have their moment.” 

Mayday looked up confused and babbled “whaddaya mean they like each other” Peter laughs alongside with Lyla who tells her “We’ll tell you when you’re older.”

__________________________________________

However, in the village…

Ben was having a meeting with a man in the middle of the night in his cabin. Eddie was there as well but simply sighed as he knew that this plan was horrid

“Yo usualmente no salgo del Psiquiátrico en la madrugada, but I was told this is worth my time..”

Ben smiled wickedly and placed on the table a large bag of gold coins. The man looked at the money and smiled as he picked up a coin “i’m listening”

Ben smiled “so the plan is that I am dead set on marrying Y/N, but I’m starting to believe that she needs a bit of persuasion per say..” Eddie rolls his eyes and mutters “more like being flat out rejected”  Ben sneered at Eddie, and quickly used his look to silence him.

“Everyone knows that her father is a loon, he was in the tavern I believe 3-4 months ago raving over some beast in a castle?!” The man sighed “Mauricio is harmless though, he hasn’t done anything to harm the villagers to put him IN the asylum.”

Ben smacked the table “Listen, the point is that Y/N would do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to keep Mauricio out of the asylum” Eddie mumbled again “might marry him too” The man thinks “So you want me to throw her father into el psiquiátrico, a menos que ella se ponga de acuerdo de casarse contigo. Oh that is just despicable…” The man chuckled as he looked at the bag of money and he starts laughing menacingly “I LOVE IT”

__________________________________________

Back in the castle as the days slowly got warmer

Miguel was sitting down in his budding rose garden, the sights of spring finally peeking through the icy cold. He sat down and hummed as he enjoyed the book he was reading, flipping through the pages, enjoying each time the story escalated. Y/N sees him from a distance and approaches him at the rose garden. “What are you reading?” Miguel surprised closed his book as he cheekily responded “oh, nothing” Y/N smiled and chuckled as she sat beside him “Guinevere and Lancelot” Miguel corrected her “Actually, King Arthur and the Round Table, lots of blood, men, sword fighting and stuff.” Y/N hummed “It's still a romance” Miguel groans “Esta bien, you win” Y/n smiled and laughed a bit. Miguel smiled and looked at her with adoration in his eyes “I never thanked you, for not leaving me to be eaten by the wolves” Y/N laughed again. In the distance laughter was heard from the staff as they all chatted and teased little mayday. 

“Well, it seems that they know how to have a good time” Miguel rolls his eyes “and yet every time I walk in the room laughter just dies.” Y/N smiles at the similarity that they share and lays her head on Miguel’s shoulder, shocking the man to his core as his ears flattened in embarrassment. “I get it, the villagers would say I'm a funny girl” she moves her head away to look at him “I don’t think they meant it in a nice way” Miguel’s face drooped at her words “I'm sorry you had to experience that…Your village sounds horrid, terrible people there” Y/N chuckled as she agreed with him. Miguel looked into her eyes as he could see the sun glinting against the lovely shade that adorned her face. Without hesitating he didn’t realize what he said

“Estás haciendo que todo parezca tan bonito en mis ojos... crees que algún día podria bailar contigo?”

Y/N softly smiled as she took his hand and held his, feeling the warmth radiate from his palms.

“Of course, Miguel...”

taglist:

@cupcakeinat0r , @miguelhugger2099, @mcmiracles,@xxsugarbonesxx,@codenameredkrystalmatrix,@deputy-videogamer,@lxverrings,@miguelzslvtz,@itsameclinicaldepression,,@ricekrisbris,@loser-alert , @thedevax, @uncle-eggy, @m4dyy, @freehentai, @synamonthy, @razertail18, @s0lm1n,

@badbishsblog, @faimmm,@keendreamnight, @texanadmirer,@stargirrls, @itzsab,@delectableworm

[thelov3lybookworm]

Delusional

day 5: masquerade

Summary: First time visiting a masquerade ball.

•○●⛦●○•

A/n: just some lil fluff for @tamlinweek hehe

enjoyy!!

"Are you enjoying the ball, lady?"

Y/n jumped, turning to find a handsome young man- she assumed he was handsome, considering half his face was covered by a mask- leaning against the wall.

"Um, yes, my lord. How about yourself, are you enjoying it?"

He grinned. "You could say that."

Y/n stared at him.

He stared back.

Y/n blinked.

He blinked back.

Y/n's mother had not warned her about how awkward small talk could get. She cursed inwardly, wondering what to say to break the silence when he spoke again.

"Is it your first time attending a party?"

Y/n sighed quietly, nodding as she felt her lashes brush against the mask she wore, a dark green satin with embroidered flowers and vines, pearls of different sizes woven into the soft material resting snugly on her features.

"Yes. my lord. Is it your first too?"

He pushed off from the wall. "Not really, no. Officially? Yes, its the fist time I'm attending a party."

"And how is that?"

"You see, no one really cares to see if the youngest son sleeps as instructed when an event takes place."

Y/n blinked, and then the realisation dawned upon her. "You- you're the high lord's youngest son!"

"Oh hush, be quiet. I had to shake off so many people and sneak around to get one breath of relief. You screaming will lure them back."

Y/n stared at him, her eyes wide.

She was talking to a possible heir of the spring court.

Oh mother, boil me.

Y/n could do nothing but watch as he glanced around, fixing his coat and then sighed. "So. This brings us back to the question I had in mind. Do you want to leave?"

Y/n did a double take, gaping. "I- leave?"

He flashed her a dashing smile. "Leave."

"I- I don't think that's a good idea my lord-"

"Don't worry, I wont bite." He winked. "Unless you want me to."

The faelight glinted off his slightly sharp canine, and a shiver wound its way down Y/n's spine. "I..."

"Its nowhere far, despite what I wish. We'll just go into the gardens and talk. Better than laughing at the everyone's unfunny jokes, don't you think? And you don't have to reveal your identity either! Keep your mask on, and I will never know if you don't want me to."

Y/n nodded hesitantly, worrying her lower lip as she glanced around.

Just before she was about to turn back to the High lord's son, her eyes met her mothers, and instead of reprimand in her eyes, all she saw was stern encouragement as she nodded her head towards the door.

Swallowing, Y/n gestured at the male- what was his name again? Terrance? Thomas?- to lead the way.

"So, you are..." He glanced at her hopefully as he walked next to her through the empty hallways, and she stared back indifferently.

"Rose."

He grinned, mischief in his eyes. "That's not your real name, is it?"

Y/n simply hummed, looking away from him to take in the massive hallways, filled with unnecessary expensive items.

He laughed. "Stubborn. I like it."

Y/n resisted the urge to roll her eyes, following him into the open air or the sweet smelling gardens.

The night passed quick as Y/n lost herself to the fragrance of roses and jasmine, and maybe also in the sound of his voice as it resonated deep in Y/n's being.

And maybe Y/n was mistaken, maybe she was delusional, but she could have sworn she saw him staring at her lips more than a couple of times.

She was just delusional.

Or was she?

The Mother was definitely laughing, knowing that son enough Y/n would be arranged to be married to him.

Acotar Taglist: @bubybubsters @eos-princess @nightless @harrystylesfan2686 @cassie6392 @kennedy-brooke @tele86 @miluiel1 @hnyclover @minnieoo @sidrapotter @piceous21 @mybestfriendmademe @saltedcoffeescotch @eve175 @starsinyourseyes @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium @byyalady @lilah-asteria @girlswithimagination @gardenofrunar

[wildcardsoul]

a more in depth background of my persona 3 oc...

the one linked here! It's a lot so its gonna be under the cut but it's much more than what i had before!! idk how many will see this but it would be so cool and awesome if you read it because these two give me such intense brain worms i need to tell everyone about them (will include p3 spoilers)

touma hiroya was born as a surprise to an, all things considered, normal family. a mom, dad, and a brother, teijo, 10 years his elder. his family was not expecting another child but welcomed him anyways

the pregnancy caused a lot of complications, but they thought they were in the clear during his birth, unfortunately more issues arised and his mother passed away shortly after, devastating the others. a new life was brought into the world but at the cost of another.

both grew bitter towards the newborn, silently blaming him for the death of the mother. it took until his father shouted at the now-toddler for teijo to realize how foolish he was being. touma was completely innocent.

but things only got worse as time went on, their father having resorted to drinking since the passing of his wife and quickly developed an addiction. obviously i wont be going into abuse detail but their situation gets Bad, but teijo always makes sure to protect touma always

he manages to get accepted into a college, with an insane amount of hard work he is able to gather enough money to get an apartment and take in touma, pretty much raising him. teijo finds himself leaning more towards science, while touma starts picking up his medical books

years pass, now roughly 20 and 30, teijo gets himself into the kirijo groups scientists, and touma is in medical school. all things seem to be going well for the two, teijo sending touma extra money to support him every once in awhile.

that is, until, again, things take a turn for the worse. teijo gets sucked into the deeper parts of the group, seeing the experiments theyre doing on the shadows, and worse, people. but hes too far into the group now he cannot back out without being in danger

it becomes obvious, though, how he hesitates. and soon enough they turn on him. they realize teijo has a strong potential, and try to force-summon a persona from him. it works, but he is unable to control it, and his own persona kills him.

touma is clueless. he stays clueless, it wasnt uncommon for months to go by without hearing from his brother, he is busy after all. then the accident happens, the explosion. he is told his brother died there. and hes alone in the world.

touma tries to go on, tries to keep going in school but he struggles. he finds himself skipping classes, sleeping in, after some years he runs out of money, he has no choice but to drop out. he tries getting jobs, but none last too long. a few more years and hes out of money and jobs that will accept him. unable to afford his apartment anymore, hes stuck wondering the streets. its now he discovers the dark hour, terrified of it, but able to use it to his advantage. he felt awful, breaking into places and stealing, but he would starve otherwise.

its on fateful day that he is found. he had fainted on the street during the dark hour, after not having had enough to eat the day prior. shuji finds him, clothes torn and dirty, trying to get him to awaken. after a bit, he does.

during this time its early spring, a month or two after makoto had joined SEES. seeing the potential in touma, shuji decides to, at the very least, help him through the night. he can see what else can be learned about him, if he'll be useful to his cause.

after bringing him to his home, getting him showered and fed, they talk. shuji realizes he's heard of touma before, the younger brother to one of the scientists. it feels like fate, his brother had an extremely strong persona, if touma was any similar, perhaps he could be useful

if things were handled differently. with the plan in mind, shuji offers him to stay with him at his home. he even pulls some strings and allows touma to be an assistant nurse at the school.

months pass, and touma never awakens to his persona. but its alright, he is proving himself to be extremely useful by having the medical knowledge he does, helping out the kids after tough fights and long tartarus trips.

touma is EXTREMELY grateful towards shuji, feeling as if he saved his life. during those months he can't help but find himself falling for him. sure, it helps he saved him, but he genuinely adores shuji. he finds him so charming and funny, he feels like a schoolboy with a crush

meanwhile shuji is finding himself feeling the same. which complicates things a lot. he can't have feelings for someone right now! the world is destined to end, its unworth saving, theres no point in dealing with love. he tries to keep up appearances but shuji is stressed as hell

hes in heavy, heavy denial he could love someone in this cruel of a world, trying to find any reason to justify it. and he does. it all makes sense, why the pieces would fall into place so neatly. touma was destined to be the avatar of nyx. it was so clear!

shuji would be the god of the new world, with touma by his side to help bring it to fruition. no other reason would he be so drawn to him, right? so his plan continues in motion, until all 12 arcana shadows are defeated, and shuji starts his plan.

touma watches as someone who he loved betrays him, betrays them all. he tries his hardest to reason with shuji, to beg, to plead to listen to him, that killing these kids he cares for won't do any good, that the world is still worth saving, but shuji's delusions have taken over

shuji raves about how this is destiny, how this is what they wanted, right? to be together, and they will be, with the creation of the new world everything will be perfect. and the rest plays out in canon, aigis saving everyone, and shuji getting shot.

despite it all, the betrayal, touma still loves him. as shuji walks backwards towards the edge of the roof, touma runs over to him, trying to save him from falling, but it's too late at that point. shuji had fallen. without a second thought touma goes after him.

he doesn't think about it, if this is how he dies..then let it be. he'd rather die with shuji than live with losing someone else he loves. through the rush of doom, its finally now touma's persona awakens, eos, the goddess of dawn.

touma, who had managed to grab hold of shuji's hand, pulls him closer against the wind, and with eos' wings they're able to safely make it to the ground. what i have after this is pretty..up in the air, but pretty much it comes to shuji realizing he was fucking crazy and a LOT of therapy. a lot. touma and shuji stay away from the kids for awhile because..well they kind of doubt theyd want to see them. again still nothing concrete after this but. they end up being okay one way or another.

this is just like. toumas in-canon story how it would go In Canon but i also love pretending everything is fine and that theyre silly and in love but also ouch ouch ouch ouch they hurt me to think about sometimes

also sorry if not all of this makes a lot of sense within canon its been awhile since i beat the game.. but uaugh. augh. uahg. they mean so much to me.

heres a little lamb touma doodle for ur troubles <33 i doubt it but if anyone has any questions PLEAAASE ask me i need to talk about themmmm

[ros-garden]

Im so sorry if your not in the mood to talk rn BUT THATS OKAY YOU CAN RESPOND TO THIS WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT🫡 (i deeply respect you + i love your work its gotten me thru the year) And on ur main blog it said i could ask u anything sooo….HOW WAS YOUR DAY! 🌚Did u do anything fun? is smth bothering u?(only answer if your comfortable) I COULD GUVE ADVICE!(m not the best person but im there 4 my idol + only if u want advice lol also if your not comfortable with me calling you my idol, im really sorry and ill never call u that again ^^) if you dont wanna answer this shit, THATS A-OKAY WITH ME❤️ your a regular human being, and i get you wont have time for little things like these and sometimes you want to relax and lay down and im sorry if this is so long😔 if i dont see this/reblog u, i probably forgot i had tumblr

Hiiii!! And you’re all good, I’m almost always in the mood to talk- like genuinely I just love chatting with people its soooooo much fun XD 

I really want to say thank you <3 it’s the best feeling ever to hear that people enjoy my posts / writing sjksjsk

and my day was good!!! It’s my day off work and spring break for me so I just helped my aunt fix a few things around her house, then I started rewatching soul eater!! Nothing really bothering me today (well besides my lil sibling but I’m stuck with them lolol)  just a kinda lazy day :)

How about you? You do anything fun today or just chill? I’m being nosy jsjkjsjk

I’m totally fine with you calling me your idol!!! I personally tho- don’t think I’m cool enough to be anybody’s idol jsksjsksj 

And ofc I’m gonna answer!! Like I said I really love talking and this is such a nice ask ahsjhs <333 and it’s totally fine if you don’t answer/ reblog this, I tend to ramble at lot or get off track so I get it!!

[yumenosakiacademy]

a Far Too Long lyrics analysis 4 "Black Pear Tree" by The Mountain Goats & Kaki King n how I associate it w torahime shu from charisma house, borne of me having a head full of thoughts n time on my hands at like 5:30 am.

"I dug a hole n filled it up w compost... Rested on the cool grass 4 a minute."

Him planning 2 enter the house n start his infiltration mission. The beginning of the arc, n, unknowingly, of the end n new beginnings in equal measure. He rests his head on the grass outside of the sharehouse [end of 91, where he was lurking outside], taking a moment of respite b4 he starts what could make or break them.

"I saw the future in a dream last night... There was nothing in it."

Sensei having lost all hope w the lab being lost. w the lab gone n his sensei's spirits down... what's left of there 4 their dream? Theres nothing... esp 4 poor sensei. He wont stand 4 tht. Smth must b done. Possibly additionally a foreshadowing or premonition of naka leaving him. After all, w/o the lab, what need does he have 4 an assistant aka Him? Will he b left 4 dust jus like the lab? But he hopes it's jus his anxious feelings hanging that threat over his head. He prays he won't be abandoned. Sensei, please look at me. Please keep me. I'll b trying 4 u. I'll get us what we want. What we Need.

"I set the sapling in the hole, started gently tamping down the dirt... I saw the future in a dream last night."

Tora going thru w the plan n infiltrating the house, setting the plan in motion, shown here w the metaphor of a Tree. He sees the future again in a dream, but its not nothing this time, bc he's actively trying 2 make a future 4 them. However its left vague as 2 what he's seen bc it's still unknown. He can't say 4 sure tht they'll succeed, but he can't b sure they'll fail, either. If he'll get caught or if they don't get infoz or if they witness breaks... he sees the future. mayb as a ball of light, mayb as a blur tht he can't remember upon waking up, mayb smth tht we aren't allowed 2 kno bc it's tora's life n he has a right eye withhold his fantasies... all the same it's a Future. n thts Enough.

"Somebody's gonna get hurt, somebody's gonna get hurt. I hope it's not me. But I suspect it's going 2 have 2 b."

The repeated injuries he sustained via the reckless charismas in the sharehouse, as well as a double meaning of either them or the charismas going 2 end up having a bad time [the charismas being captured or him n naka failing n possibly being on the tail end of another group break]. He knows tht he has 2 endure all of the pain he's experiencing if he's 2 get the info tht naka needs n do a good job. As much as he would liked if they'd've succeeded w their plan at the old lab, this is how things r now... Naka didnt have a backup plan, so its up 2 him. Its going 2 hav 2 b. The charismas dont remember his face- they hav no reason 2. n so there he was, in tht chaotic house. endure it. 4 the plan. 4 naka. Even if naka doesn't care abt how much hes going thru 4 him. even if all he cares abt r the charismas.1 day, mayb... he will. He'll pat his head n hug him close n say "good work". Call him "torahime".

"I dug my heels in 4 the winter, and I waited 4 snow."

Taken literally as opposed 2 giving up, he waits 4 the breaks 2 happen or 4 breakthrus w the charismas 2 occur. Also him waiting 4 the charismas 2 punish him or kick him out after rhe incident w naka [hot spring n shopping eps], which fits w the lines actual meaning of giving up n waiting 4 bad things 2 happen (the 'snow')

"But something was stuck up in the clouds. Something was stuck up there. It couldn't let go."

His yet-2-overflow/realization of jealousy n hatred 2wards the charismas. I suspect in the eps after 104, he was still in a state of High Alert ie shock n wariness of not knowing what will b done 2 him, seeing as how he startled when spoken 2 n was relatively quiet up until around 107. so at 1st, he knows smth is wrong... this tension yet warm feeling... smth will come of this, he feels, but... just living happily w these guys n being treated as a companion is nice... all the same, he can't shake a small feeling in the back of his head tht he tries 2 ignore (until 107).

"And when its time came, i could see it happen; Blossoms black n sweet as texas crude. I saw the future flowering like a ruptured vessel... Somebody's gonna get screwed. It won't be me."

The seed of the plan [see the 1st lyrics point] has grown n w it, his relationship w the charismas. At the end of 107, he's accepted by them rather than the punishment he was bracing himself 4, in2 a house tht will welcome him n w companions tht will n do care abt him, more than naka ever did. The light of the charismas shines on him, their 'flowers' covering the red rage of his breakdown n showing him tht there's hope n a place 4 him (note: 'crude' in this case possibly being the charismas' crude natures.. lol). He's been abandoned, yes but a better place awaits him where he belongs. It's not the ending he saw 4 himself, but all the same he will b 'screwed over' n neglected n 4gotten no longer.

[trisloshr]

ok im doing this cus @tiny-vermin tagged me and i love verm so i do it (wasting time in class anyway)

last song i listened to: splitting this by spotify/ itunes/ youtube (I Will Listen To 3 Songs At Once) 1. そして、人になる/ mi8k one thing to know about me miyake is my fav vocap ever. yay. 2. 曇天ノ陰ニ/ コン love this album love this song the intro is awesome and the album ver is even better fuck uesssss... 3. 美しき世界/ クロxヒメ sooo good these vocals soooo beuatiful im obsessed (About to start a spiel about lost albums and archiving but i wont)

putting the rest under the cut cus all i care about is music

last book i read: sorry for not reading ok i tried to reread lotr this sem n failed awfully. libby was like Dumbass cant read lotr on top of class in the next 15 days fuckyou. ummm my new issue of dekopon came in yesterday i did read that...

last film i watched: for film class we watched edge of tomorrow last week thought it sucked. everyone booed when they kissed. um. transformers 1984 watched that with friends. laughed so hard Never watch transformers with 2 autistic guys its like being stuck between them on the couch holding the popcorn. and also digimon it was Awesoemeeeeee i love digimon

last tv series: over spring break i started watching the o.c. with my cousin and its rlly fun to watch with a running commentary. once the term started i hvent picked it up again but over the summer id probably finish it. seth is like stilesteenwolf before stiles teenwolf im obsessed withhim.

last thing i googled:

from last friday dont know why i needed peggle make phonecall at 1am Delirious from my all nighter

last thing i ate: all the food here sucks i cant wait to go home i ate indomie for dinner. but when i go home im so excited to eat dry wonton mee... laksa... moving away from home makes u crazy cus i never even liked laksa that much before but now im desperate

sweet savory spicy: awesome splatfest Brother im indian of cause im gonna say spicy. but for snacks i always go savory recently ive been buying lots of chocolate though i have to be in a mood

Amount of sleep: got an hour of sleep on friday and went to 9h of class and slept 16 hours after hope this tells u all that u need to know. theres one week this term i decided i didnt wanna do any hw and i was awake like 4 hours everyday idk what happend to me

currently reading: a book about character design and illustration called イラストのこと、キャラクターデザインのこと by sakazaki chiharu. uts sooo cute... tbh my school library has a lot of really good books but theres no time i also borrowed typographics 2 cybertypes: zines + screens and it looks really cool. would love book recs tbh art books or otherwise

[libidomechanica]

Untitled Poem # 10627

A Meredith sonnet sequence

               1

Nay, Sorrow is commits old chains remaine.   Yet euen reading Life to gain his rightly   wonne, that men of some wonts to make me bold, vsed sheepe: and is, and eke them all its tranquility; the New Testament in a   shade of Woman be dear to her error   like bridal bed where euer say, disdayne to die in your fashion call he pleased from that charm toward them is alyue. Sometimes more strong as   the River Brink, without pause, up till he   dishes are mine eye can wander’st thou stil, and faire sight. This of noysome buried. But all alone summer solstice do, mayest the   sandy foot on his good is carol they   jogg’d each other Themis his brides in The east, have thee beseche (so be thy tride.

               2

As goteheards boyes caught but came to make   though each others womb deriued in lowly   leans, the jocund hound, with me this the will, but was certainties now apace to the holy time within my selues sufficeth   to me, saying his winter Garments   of deadly face it ill. Trouble maladies unseen, who was death shepheards foote: sike follyes vnwary she wont to front property,   rights, and maist thou stick’st not of so false   both you and his Garments to Lucy I will and still: but longer formall roll, to loue me more cruelty she that long in   spring tyme&change and sad pensiuenesse mixt   with erring prayses filled with the Isle, and thee. But ah vnwise are to vipers brooding.

               3

And now what I must need not. And mould the   Rose thankful meadows, witnesse mought be, with   her teens. Shall: the countrywomen! From upper air, gone underground the eye untrimm’d the Sultán with rewth, sought no crime. Loy, carole   Lombard, Paulette me the subway she   twilight, it dies upon turns Ashes—or it prosper. The filchers close awayt to chace, and how she to her All hayle, my   love the children of the war, and the Hand   thus with the state, it sets us from accident; for some in your warm and quiet, my faith of her natures freeze is wounds we   our fault was mine her glory gate, hate of   state? But the love hath my heart, fear nothingness, with most air and they golden quiet.

               4

The leaves, which I doe, I called discretion   to anticipate the Two World, and suffer   thing looke to speakes lyke Narcissus vayne to lift vp the states to importunes in thy heart, and make a leach therefore theyr   shiny beames darker Draught the next swath   and fit to anticke world is winter with pity, break us with the foresayd from sin, your good newes know: is it not   be named by his sunk below! And the word   shall all be his blustrious Lord of Lady Psyche there with my brother Element can saying with starres bene gather   to mine own state-thing off the body was   of one to my face; the New Year reviving human to the shadows great enough.

               5

For Is and Is-not though thou wilt not that   sounded sway, the shadow, but having writ,   not lights, and oh, her heuens, that arms round I sow, and a year ago, in the Wise to seek for heart. The fly that striue all things hardest   stale downe away and fragrant thou fleets,   and thus without remorse even in her cold with Cupid quoth shines. Thus, to set before since then dare to your thrall for the lighter   of thys hyll thou will, but his face. No   more. This and his woman, men should kindled hear the welcome in the Fairy Queen within the graven the darkned be God was   so blessed flowers the winges dispers in   thy powers, I though I and adore her abus’d, be better so brave expansion.

               6

And blesse layd, at euer; nor palfrey fresh again:   how be I am sitting seas: the   shop window and loathe thing let’s forepast let vs louely heart, ever and enisle ourselves no captiue vs to wit,   fearing the Rose, together. The clay   Population’s Waste, when other this world may scarse be the might befall melissa, knows from soul to them to life and successful   too; and gone, I drank is chief there! Nor the   right on a wild echoes roll frosen cold: and eke the new news from each day, Sir; the Sunne, and wide; but you. Know not henceforth the   North. Ere I often haue enroll. But hardest   stay. To be marrow, it hath brain, and yet as I entertain we were expresse.

               7

Ne ought. Devouring Time, thoughts and drawne   with plenteous passed her throtes. Him in a   swoon. But she most my forces, wears, nor ever yet as a shepheards han wealth, so silv’ry is true love appear untouches on   the confined doom. Like as, to see thoughts and   adore her titles true beauty it doth place? Tho’ I love at the June the Sun grew broader to outward view and I know: when   winter window’d heart, condemned be. Our so   hard it is permanent and love may only so formed ocean. This year old photo booth. Which arise like the Rose as we walk   all nightly! His neck like four and find out   she kept walking world naught that carve not deny, yet am I sitting she sayes teare.

               8

The fault was a Veil past and pity then   disarmed did ly, of all beauty being   a Vessel on my lamenting bed! We were, and doing mute, when the day, whylest I profaned the only when thou should   die for only blame me not, if they to   it. Is full lips and worke the hardiment, what I dread of your wineglass is so goodly bosom fire, when it gets her cruell   to hont? Today neither couldst have said, can   he now is long lives me greater did if a flowres: whose balustere and humblessed looke on my little light the poor he   of Great, that whispers of the rye, the long   seclusion. And Is-not thoughts and a’ my nights in the brethren twelue, that sits on me.

               9

My husband had collapse, a shepheards kynd.   My faith many ages, and over then   Christall: for other wilt thus surprised, I then doe you so apply, till whatsoever be? To devour&feed him that seemes   his name, made more I was constantly   leaves a living old Desire—No Tale of purpose made? Lay, with bad rain, the gate, and moon shines.—To Helene once love me—toll   the simply good shoes as it was chalke, a   shepheards that loue what without occasion fit to all over seemed strongly knit, to climb; then, to the guests, heaven make that sigh   or growes sadnesse of kynd. None another’s   names of shame it I would have Think of your company, and me for those.

               10

For when ye behold your arms when neuer   sinnes that guile, or bitter, prayers with   him to whom my no-love the bottom of you walked I will morne, I married the field nor bowres. To-morrow stare grows that her   prayse and glances of buried ghosts to entrap   in thy worth, what I had to Foot shower, or seldom I ever still and dare to shew of bless thee and daynty is that   men on them. More miraculous thing through   winds at play, not by rude and botching her blows. Only mind a root or thine, the ready yellow fruite such closed are resembling   Pricket, or hunt the Knot; and pleasure, but   spring-tides full wood ye stock in silence the spring in all, we thou do not seen!

               11

She seemed a ho, and lyfe. To lose powre the   lovely let them, that mote be made me singes   displace, adorne, and gathered lads that kind-hearted prove who could bee, and turmoyle, and tho’ your pavilion her high worthlesse   Colin ranne. Of my loue. He containe   upon our her owne ioyous sight, which I dare the rooms white v-neck t-shirt on your selfe new roses I there once was long here, if   that it doth come intreat, in springtime, her   head the facts! Let me farewel, here in Heavens did close conuay, to the fash. Other wil be the Cuckow end, let the   victorious pleasance, I will well is he   bound. Myself t’ excuse: sweet infusion, and grow for posterity will deny!

               12

To show my love, the word my way: but lothe   third my loue me more—thou lurke, and glow. His   hart, that standeth on Fancies wonderment, the shall read. But how that others over they to her, ’ I answered shake? What misseth   with diuersly my antipodes; but little   blaze, and unrespected by fens. As, buried ghosts them wonder is the end of the morne, yet her grandmothers sayne the worlds   so lucky together yet I care of   Byrds resourse, who ruinate. ’Er the railed again, that Time and sin: and yielding mere follies now crown the wanting sail, outlined   innocent paper-gowned we take. From labor   in its painting an inspiracy or congress thou my buried once removed.

               13

Yet let none beside. Whose smyling loues prayse,   not for me: by which if she goodly colours   glory your lakes, to bear away. Upon the wolf rages wide worlds would engross painted in tune. Dearest loue himself, who   love me. Thou shalt in tract from the shame; my   eyes doe hyde: so short? Such mercy is the broke us free an LP of power, round sweare he came the hills round theyr shiny   beame of clay on a Saturn sate, and sweet   flowr, that left in his hand do ye thing, she said, betwixt the only mind in arms have I now make Carouse: the river Kiang, please.   Ne feard with the crew of bless the waters   when her rough ye beholder window’d heart and dear, and that blowne assured vnlesse she friends!

               14

Words of them mayst true forests, heaven will   my design when I laugh at me like an   unco cares are rebuilt. Thus is my sorrowes the fancy; for he of God did lay, the dales of those stranger. Hums What else   they looke she said, It gets bowres. But when   she turn’d. I hide the comes, and thinke at all. Ere through this poor Psyche whole weak for now you love I slept—they drank him that all. A   former cruelty she was well. Meantime,   that have force, but that all with rare wonderment. Their smart: and heart remaines and hardly colours could wife’s unending duct   tape, not that which my sweet spoyle where name   it is, this is what shee lou’d a loue inspiration round plumes his pill; sweetness dove.

               15

And in death. Than hawks or horsebacke vnto   the gamekeeper’s curse think of the quest,—who   can tear or twa, she’ll no Question now, she singing a ding, ding; sweet in all;—no more luxuriant still, and bind, deeming breathing,   ding; sweet Melissa, knowing to me;   taking the air; i’ll never life-begetting day, and hold her adieu; and, in saying to see a single drop earth as feathers   stand a hey nonino, those eyes widen   whence I durst in her movie stars it seemes from my bonie lass, the sold my love me, lovely Fair, to love is of glitterand   gold,—twas impotently on as Thou   Me, for thee. Bids him as the better pains may make, still the leaves turn the Closet lays.

               16

Sometimes to strong; I love a little light.   And told me to nothingness, the face, may   kind oftentime great clymbers timely grace, and I laughed and angled ill, to live. But I am some haue euer thinke at another   sorrowes, sweet said, can he noticed   me,—he noticed me, he but pricked at the feet to mends old chain o’er the seas between us—it will not leave my Credit in   myself the Town must practice and all the   Grape my fading here some starre. Whose verse thing, an off every wretched up by us today, meantime, her lynx eye to fix and   meanes of the victours borne the west see,   you withdraw; Then, the balefull Oake, whose eyes doe him as to my garden; the mouth.

               17

Place when he turned away, after weathers   over; then to the gynaeceum, fail so   farre be prayse. While my head where, who, wandering loth, as natures speciall loosely did ye sall not my old body was of one   whose approached from the morning, my wooing   is certain of a fruit o’ mony ane, an’ wilfu’ folk maun part his clothes on yonder bands ye lock, ere the mynds and pray. She   has something in all, we trust the cover,   separate I’ and loving: o, but shamefaced lore would ask the sweet is had a mothers held in love with mylde he hath my   haruest way think you with the night well of   lover. ’Er they have showed to my hair whence and plump the world with thy blis. And her eyes!

               18

Yet in sweets, but he sooth, as natures wonder   than when a dread, and forgoe. To watch’d the   flowres doth sway, whose Door heare you here is an act that salve which of Thing to battery to his death? Lighten my love me those   unheard old Algrins ill, so hath slept in   cunning may be sweeter thy soul to thus: yet sowre enough, since thought, legions of old that day by day, didst with Saul? Yes; and though   oppose, chain’d of light over the Lyons   house. Or carefull yre breaking infant’s asleep, when I cry she look on Heavens to gie ane fashion to join; and thither;   the Nighting a great heaven? And dishonest   for me. In twilight, and truth enlight it take—and give life doth fleshly folly.

               19

Your good for days, drafts, cannot blither doubt   which was to praise to receiv’d that signifies   his plain, his Soul to thee sweet-scented to kneel, and mellow ripe: my haruest hope her grey-headed faithfully down; the hazel   with old Khayyám the sweet of her heuens so   much the present time, that boldned innocent paper who knows! And is, and years, for so the fail to so low upon her knew   my face with glee across a wound asleep,   or grieue me sinful loving. And dame in her hand, lass, in mine, and night shepherds swayne, what is Algrin, his how I may in blisse,   nor the place and rather worth! Shall adorne,&   modest thou art before, and by her vnaware. The perhaps he mixt by equal share.

               20

Nor vnto me I wish you’d change of pebbles.   And so she did not need his heads adorn’d   in Beauty’s pattern to outward view as doth felly him in some small mine in the roofs with the drunken king to tumble down   into it—that breathe noyous houres do make   a Couch one love were to see at breath, and make and thee to love, about it cling the fleece of her shore, never to endure on   each prepard. Who stoon; whan the mair than   historic monsters, high above the maid, that fayre a plot had never to pitch will allure: in whom my spirit ditties of both,   into Shape should I help me, I admire.   My true louely light mickle. Song of And why we camera flashed with time and morn.

               21

You seem by the things to keepe. But thee if   I read and whereof some in welth: when birds   do blow endless to be half sae saucy yet; I rue the blesse the foresayd from the snowy bank the five, so now much pride   she smote me with no word my iust cause her   sincere the right reaped but thee when we hope ere long-drawn his Throne. For being fault’ she vouchsafe to them. Lost the herald and heart.   Set a sculptured our guide her louely pleasure,   nor will moniment. Not making his wide, and leaves, which I haue forgive to get; Poor boy, ’ she speake heed the Vessel of   futurity; then low hangs thereof she goes   again, alike to a point the Parrot— or in their vulgarest challendge too fast?

               22

That I could not worthy of the applause   the shadow will be dead brown from my brave   is; sae droops our desk for fame; thought no more of Selefkia from the sacred their welfare is burne, it show how vertue is crown, where   the worlds riches to be romantic. Of   all many eyes shine like sleep, in May, in and fill the west sea rhyme, who was so true shewes but the Sun did beholding me   the water face: fayre lyke Pincks but a flowers,   the end of flowed.: My Italy’s made, the milking in all, it is large bounty fed; robert Burns: welcome, thought us, as   rough sweet maiden, true loue is spent, my sommer   burnt&blasted, her her Vlisses against thou speak the disappointed deare rebuilt.

               23

To speake and die, but my selfe shall confute:   then what the Saint, and the Last Harvest sow’d   the purple and Rome keeps him streight to prune, that leaves, as they fly; the Flower heart stood, explain words which praise, and bye. And seal’d false   forged lyes, which tempred so theyr sample of   the years shine by one, why—these—are—men: I shuddered: and you drink, the deed the greediness, on which we learnd of men, she answer,   echoes roll by in the inviting from   that charm’d my teeming to the cheered in the lowe, and close that cross’d the chaunge old years, I recommenced; Decide not what Absál   he sawe hys dayly race; so the while, the   priests theyr make, through Turner’s England, left the tears, though her hurried My Lord of leaving?

               24

Full of honeybees to disfranchise devised   when the great which hardly it rest but   soft piteous blush Cupid humblessed be. Why, all so sure I? What strait command, is invisible, arm’d with payne beguile, or   bitter in spring on deck, because it   out, so I go into the sent it by the Temple’s inner part, amongst thy laden heart remaine. Till hate you need to, a   thousand Years. Profess in the quality   of libertee and the quality of so heauens blisse, that crop to spring in whom is sore How long age with such solemn grove, with   my haruest hast no wave bringeth force, from   some even pedestrian Muses, that my face. Maybe he borne: the night and plaine.

               25

I stood and said, “A lovelier not break.   Had laid then my heart is sair, to love you   anywhere a double behind her chamber death does crush on Myrna Loy. Got, and the world to the fled. But ah vnwise art therefore   henceforth, that he had to see each day,   dear. Then blessings at hand doth lie, sans Wine hath his dying. The hylls, where Laura’s heart of heauens know! And kindling for judgment   continuall crowned thinkin o’t, we’re a’ dry   wi’ drink; and trials, and eat our palate urge, as, to my self-example on our dear wooly rose, in solemn glooming on deck,   because if he shot: yet with it. I snap   the daughter. The morning-tides full with Azra to the green, Let not shrinkin o’t.

               26

Voyage is borne our beeing grace, most jolly.   ’ To be won. Can no more common Earth   descended darts Despair so much of sunshine owne self once to so love all nation of my Purse to their will I gaze whylest rapt   upon it then? As they talk of sunshine   like petals finding sweet love, then thou be my ain. To Helene once doth from a blow. How many a cursed hyre: when other stamp   me backlot. Back across a bride, or rashly   on as Thou Me, for honny. Better bargain doth pleasing, several shee were still in his failing? And tak the sun’s   abundant flames in lingring pride: and Lip to   Lip it springs; and some conceive not what, that whispers of that selfe captiued are went.

               27

The jewel, and then he turned pale, a deadly   arrow teeth from our heart, and will, and   glorious in their Wordsworth in the grasp this the greedily her straight too daring in my House for all the lake; speake? She sensual   ear, but pleasure but to choosing my   love, children cry, they thou then you’ve lovelier then low hangs: howbeit ourself, for weighd with deluging senses guide. That sweet thinke   not see our fall forfeit, so lowly at   her, and me ill vpbraide, to decease nomore, the fly that may her selfe and live, perforce, some few soft&lived-in, so unlike the Súfi   flout; of my Loue we were we admired   it all; who did saue my breast; yet nearer the door and in her eye was abhord.

               28

Nay, we mought but when I was certainties   bare we! Quo’ her hart will morning time, which   I know: whether I see and not loc, Old English eyes than did but see the Knot; and after battle, you were. Since he had our   saints, I recomment. An open-hearted   prove who can tye: but hath end and made more tempest roar’d, her straight recover by pulleys like the more. Thou bear’st love your paine, that   fondly face he doth guyde, and chaunge of the   Face thereof he knew nodule of lightsome dainties bare is a photo booth. And sought of Human Death blossome one; nay in the   only so formed’st creation within   her deep discompos’d of gold complayned: comes it was gaping light of earth return.

               29

Brave: and your imperious image only   blame; what I stood and fame your old age   shall their art thou the quarter the Dusk of Darkness. You say the sky and now with his deare Sonne how gay is your wishing in spring   time, she waste, tis my deadly pale. Then   blessings and heart is not one new loue lay thy loof in mind a feeble bellowing too. While others, easily sunder bands   the man was fill. The last, for Buskie-glen, I   dinna carelesse Heart’s form by silent be; and loosely smiling grace of my lyfes Leach doe her life eternity: Cold   Pastoral! But thousand then shall reigns alone   all that may take or lend your falls in time. Who would I have said! Soon, like the love.

               30

Shall decline my wrong. Sight: and then shall now   the Fairy Queene most ioyous time, whose rancke? And   golden heart, alone, there were, above the babe-faced lore would speak of dark dissolu’d through thy robbery, gentle brest loves   unwritten with no content, why fret about   his shade and hauing she said, may chattering airs the cozy parlor, then, height, let therefore that toss’d the lamp and dying light which   is the Rest; oh, the crush on Myrna Loy,   carole Lombard, Paulette me thee whenas dearer than I once loved your love being Christs, die soonest sight; o’er the charm’d with such   folly. Who ruinate where she to where cause   I loved themselues suffize, that, ’ she and spake a sounds willingly we spake a sounde.

               31

In the Grape that a barren tender Green   fledges that I should cost of all misgone,   I yet in me keep hill’s edge they take, thoughts astonishment of conquering eyes looking our device; wrought; Poor boy, ’ she said, How   long to rail at Lady Ida’s youth, because   the prize, a golden Diademe: the bright befall melissa shook the grasp this to loved you. But that fayre when you my obliged   to be acquire in cataract leaps   in glory to the Door to set before. Her eies be shed, and where drown’d my thoughtful bee; and they two arms; and send up vows for   my exceeds, lyke flowre, but only is the   rest, to song for doing mere forth the degrading cloud I following echoes rancke?

               32

Until I find no Serpent the sleeps: it   murmur’d—Gently, pray, disdayne to sing’ or   shall to me so fiercely after me—in vain my should have suffer with fair creature me not, die wits impure, with kirk and perfume!   The way I love my love, children, had   seen the slowly, Eden lips unused to absence for your dear dred, of their hands found; but her pride: then finding those helplessly   afloat, the Bridge too sterne coste? I sleep, having   hold such a deuil wants such aureate shall mortals! Ere I her can I keep the day, deare exylde longwhile Damon’s heart, condemne   to my Mary, across they haue lady,   of nature’s changeful citadel, wi’ Jock of Hate; for in felicity.

               33

Was thick jaws, the Indias of souerayne sayles.   The wastefull heavens to go for than   garment neuer was stirre still to my fading doubt which shall not my measure on thy clear prime for thou doe complaint of all his   thoughts of Sweet thought Sugar with most goodly   seldom. Side of Woman be desert from me; and this mother side by some pitty, but I to do with that to the heuenly   with to nothing is in my bridegroom wait   they did ly, through steps or more I was it ever there none. When their light harm the wine and rubyes rich profaned the Seed: yea,   take the broome-flowre, in some into me? He   was eight hand will be, are you your converse let no thoughts when he has just steele in mee.

               34

Something in your bells low, and ancient Ruby   yield us farther strength desyre: I   married at a’? To move the way music,— why advert to clime, and told by ill be. A xylophone may entangle here. How   sholde any mention does dispers tales of   nature’s changed neuer bright me you. So now is it the sands are languor spend, before we once vouchsafe to me your brand never   enough infinite immensity. To   all my hopes as neuer start from the small; all morning snare remoue the waur best voices, tongues, in heave, as flie, and low! Thou’s be inclynd:   and down, and it move to listen! Rain   driven: I hold me from elsewhere nothing your Prince’s lover from the siege by yours.

               35

This one, into thee and watched the tyde, as   she doth will near my swan, my drudge, my life   in our flowers with pains my heart, alone, my soul with his plain, for lack of welfare is my deare exylde longwhile both pure   and joy—what they would bee, reaching brest is   the others’ beds’ revenge be wrought not to show it, being dumb; for front, and Soul. Then came a goodly table of marble are   full of graced in whose iridescend, ourself   t’ excus’d, being no high, swells in this very likewise you sick, ourselves. Fro thence and disgrace. That him, thou art not appeals   to keep pace; they were undid they consumed   with vertue is come with those six books inuent, in the faery power of Babel.

               36

Since I learne to Wámik—“Oh Thou or I.   Doth depraue my cruell scorning’s compare with   guilefull yre breaking! Yet neuer; nor vnto the Westerne could have admire the vale. Tomb fair no painter wil be thy Desire   to grieue me checkmate, but I’ll run, and up,   to bleed, and interwove? Go down is weaker hart like the faery power. Of one waiting for all. To which infinite Pursuit?   This I do not? In mind of Heav’n replied.   Of Heavenly Zuhrah who had driven: I hold me back, its life; so thou maun dare nothing Wisdom did folow Pan, the   bud of its sound, and I to ashes of   the degree. Sweet death thee in the gate, and down, like my frayle eyes to scorner’s jest!

               37

I could not deny, yet maid reply, seven   boys and in the cherye was most happy   blessed flockes of springtime, the more, later doth sway, ayming has come to this sinking of amber. Water for our husband had   neuer bring, about the sodain rysing   or fayre, and a’! The wave may records and Day, how Phoebus in the Lion and Erin’s gore, are not praise happy again—first   that mind was so sore my pype, vnto the first   time, which I doo most beauty’s pattern to our body was of one that your coffer forth. And none looke vpon a daffodil I   seeke the Cup: what birds sang, ah, when this feud   betwixt earnest and acquit fro my coffee hot let me be your name, I admire.

               38

Clash; an auld wildly lookes is ouerture?   Maybe the thinking about him to life   or breast with Gin beset with spirits: yet aliue and dry that forms in a man. Which beholding skies above these, they are afrayd,   yet field-mice are abroad sun is sinnes   gold, a water-blurred fever certaintier iudge applyde. And sithens haue tride, and large riches rhetoric monsters, easily:   Once openly together. Bound by any   art. That wardes bene espyed. From the Ground hers sting, him called to sorrow and disgrace. And loued sheepe and could be sitting   on a hill ran up his fiery rash   behold her than you and make Carouse: divorced to thee and married at you in time.

               39

How vertues scourge should certainties bare we;   and me. It’s a mate in heauen or gods holy   father minde; whan the cryde and warne to Chide! Being expects—was thine own assertion, which I doe take. Which it done if we   had never looked at a’? Up like the sense   of Ramazán, ere than garments me the bared scalpe, an enclosure. But now apace to cure thou hast bulk that stung as the bush,   the Courtly Nymphes doe at last oozings   here upon her came debtor for my grief looke. The payneful perseuer; nor fear’d Absál is perfect enough; a woman’s could   spill well he prease of far-off fire. And from   the secondly, I shall beast to be made; that will—the record the hugs his delight.

               40

Re, to beware—what loue; and with a blood   that touch, first Morning me againe, that will,   my Maud and I laugh at her worthiest lovers, wheretofore: not life, snatched the trips along together to mine eyes turn   your coffer boldly: we are sente me. And   wonne, the best doth laugh she trips racing to turn and Erin’s yet begun. If any ill: that more from isolation, having   got it, then, I hardly it repayde, the   fierce inscription ought but laugh, for to plead that says most evidence, into our desire with oxygen. My though I must   have profaned the palm was once again   drops head across thee, walking in charactery, hold you my life is incomplete.

               41

White thy triumphs pinned to the fires on my   swimming foes, ne fauour converteth strongly   it to frame: that none other enter of the bush, the soules her chart, I know you love did not a True Believes me, madman, over   and let themselfe assured arre. But she   felt delight: I arise like sleep wit, the prairie, the Memory clings like some days and promise tied, on horse, your own at Keswick,   and she what beside a learne to Spain   and fall they join, joints dovetailed against thy Saviours life did begins his shafts, carbons, poems are red her thrilling sale was wonder.   Without constant me liue by giuing field:   and there while, to love shall desolate that might become, as flie, and brother, Brother!

[kenthenugget]

Adobe Broke Photoshop in 2023

A bit of a disclaimer: this will contain quite a bit of swearing and a lot of anger so be warned

For the past 3 and half years, I've been using photoshop for pretty much all of my digital drawings. Ever since I discovered you could draw in it back in my high school digital media class back in the 11th grade in 2019, I've pretty much used it for everything from school work to my comic to personal works. Despite its hefty price, its been reliable tool for me, and I've never had any sort of issues with it, up until recently.

Upon joining the tapas community, I was shocked at how much photoshop was disliked by the wider art community. Hell the mod in a server I'm in hates it with a burning passion (and may hate others who use it but idk). Mostly I've noticed that the complaints boil down to photoshop being buggy, unstable and overall unreliable. But in my experience that couldn't be further from the case. And if this were me from 2022 typing this, I would have to agree. But now I can see where they're coming from. In the course of 6 months, photoshop has gone from being a reliable good program to a complete mess. And any good will I had towards it is gone, and I'm surprised I'm still using it. The following is a recollection of my experience with the program beginning at the tail end of 2022 to now. Its going to be hard for me to frame this story in terms of escalation because it starts off really bad but gets slightly better by the end, but not by much.

Crashing:

Its inevitable that any computer program will crash at some point, and Photoshop is no exception. Up until this year, crashes were never really an issue. Sure they were annoying then they happened but they happened so infrequently that it was never a major problem. But that would quickly change. Beginning a few days before 2023, and ending around March and April, Photoshop would crash at the frequency of...every week, usually once per week at best and up to 3 or fucking 5 at worst. And it would all be the exact same. I would be drawing and out of nowhere, the program would freeze. I couldnt minimize it, close, save or do anything. The only way I'd be able to close it was by using task manager to force quit it. This was, as you could expect, annoying and extremely rage inducing but it wasnt just crashing that caused this.

Now thankfully, photoshop has an auto recovery feature so if the program crashes or if your pc looses power, you can recovery what you were working on and everything would be fine! But if photoshop crashed this way, auto recovery wouldnt work properly. It would recovery the file yes, but anything I was working up to the moment of crashing would be fucking gone. I cant tell you how many hours of work I lost because of this. Entire page layouts, sketches, selections, layers, etc gone within in an instant. I would try to levy the damage by changing the auto recovery timer from 10 to 5 minutes but only just.

I tried tolerating this at first but it kept happening more and more and eventually I had enough. My solution was to downgrade to the previous photoshop version as I surmised that the newer version had broken photoshop. This happened in February and up until the end of my spring break in March, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a while. Sure, it would still crash but not the level as it did before. But that changed on the 16th and 17th. Photoshop crashed 5 times within those two days, three of them happening on the SAME... FUCKING... DAY!!! I wont lie, I felt defeated in a way I hadnt felt in a long time and out of desperation, I ended up updating to the latest version, praying that that would be the fix.

However this part of the story has a happy ending...sort of. I ended up making a thread about this on the adobe forums and ending up updating the driver for my graphics card and after that, photoshop stopped crashing. And unlike the last time, it didnt increase to that frequency ever again. In fact, I found a way of spotting when a crash would happen and found ways of avoiding it. The freezing would happen on certain files I was working on. And if I closed that file, I could avoid the entire thing freezing and loosing all my work. But regardless, the first 3 months of the year have (as stupid as this sounds) permanently scared me and Im still subconiously scared photoshop will crash constantly again.

The Annoying Ass Bugs:

Though the program had stabilized, my issues with photoshop would persist in the form of bugs which are really really fucking annoying to deal with. The first of those came in the form of it getting stuck on left click. If I had the program open for longer than 24 hours (or if I used the keyboard commands for undo, copy + cut + paste, or other tools that werent the brush and eraser tool), photoshop would get stuck on whatever tool I was using left click for. If it was the zoom tool, it would zoom in and out without me holding my finger down on the left mouse key. Same with the rotation tool and so on. The only way I could stop this was by closing the program and reopening it. Now, this is far better than the program crashing on me every day, but its very inconvenient. And I dont think I need to explain why. Other updates would come but Adobe didnt seem to fix it until an update that came out in early June. However, in doing this, they introduced another bug....

If I rotate the canvas or zoom in on a file Im working on, switch tabs and come back to that file, the camera position is reset. Rotations are reset, Im now zoomed out instead of zoom in, the camera is focused on a different part of the canvas. And unlike the last one, I cant stop it by closing the program. I dont understand how Adobe keeps on doing this. This fix a bug by introducing a new one. How is that even possible? And to make matters worse, they rolled out another update with "stablitiy issues" and according a comment left on a thread I made about this on the adobe forums, they still haven't fixed it. God only knows when they will and when they do, I wouldn't be surprised if Adobe found a way to break photoshop again.

So there you have it! With 6 months Photoshop has gone from a reliable work horse to a program I don't trust using. About half an hour before typing this blog out, Photoshop crashed while I was trying to fill in something, and I have to ask myself, "Why am I still doing this?" Why am I still using a program I hate using? Why am I subjecting myself to this? Why cant I just use the program every artist gushes over like its the second coming of Jesus Christ, Clip Studio Paint? And I dont have an answer. Apart from me wanting to finish my comic without worrying about adjusting to different art programs, I don't know why I'm still using photoshop. Maybe its because I've used it for so long that I have an attachment to it. Like I cant move on and just be done with it. Maybe despite all I said, I dont want photoshop to be this bad. I want it to be a good program. I want say with pride that its reliable program. I want it to be a functional stable thing I can use to draw my characters. I hate what Adobe's done with it.

I don't really know how to end this post. But all I can say is Adobe, you fucked up big time....

[fraener]

12/22/24

heard a hen crow again at dawn this morning. began painting last night, think i may pivot to a less realistic palette. work today in a little while but i just realized its at 11:30 rather than 11 so im relieved. i think ill make some bacon since i have more time. been a couple days since r visited and i am slowly losing the ability to deny what im feeling. romance oozing in like honey or tar. im thinking about his summer plans to come round and play trumpet and sing around the north end of the coast....thinking about whether i could get him to spend an afternoon with me lulling in the shade of the tall grass by the spring and eat strawberries and roses with me and the salt and heat. also thinking of the fine blond hairs on his forehead and the soft curve of his nose. often ive thought myself too needy for a lover who leaves but i feel a lot more stable in myself these days and i am happy with the slow and optimistic pace of us. h always seems to have a crisis coincide with me finding another shore. i have begun to question whether its significant. hes having a bad break with having come away from his life enough to look at his life. im worried about him but theres nothing i can do for him really, hes not interested in solutions or even really acts of care. im never sure what he wants in situations like this because he always says im fine im fine even while hes telling me he isnt. thinking i might go to the city for christmas after all....f will be free on the wednesday and r maybe on thursday. my father's wife is having back surgery so i dont know that id be able to stay with them which is a shame, i prefer it to staying with f cause i dont like their roommate so much. i should be grateful i got the treat of seeing r at all this winter! there was no indication i would but i knew in my gut it would happen. i also knew in my gut that we werent going to lay together the first time we hung out. i am trying to see ahead, something tells me i wont see him when i go up to the city. i hope i am wrong about that. but waiting till spring or summer again wouldnt be so bad i think, i would get to yearning here and there but something about it feels sturdy to me so im not worried. theres an encouragement and excitement to do new things and work hard between us similar to what i had with o but the energy is very different, a lot less competitive. i like being encouraged by the way someone lives and vice versa, thats such a valuable thing to have. ive gotta get out there! i think i might post something about tutoring people in ceramics up around town, making house calls. and maybe try to get slow time outside off the ground too. and hopefully a willingness from everyone in the text i sent yesterday to come together and start planning the coop!! and the water main on my street blew so theres no running water at the house. oh

[astro-eats]

I kinda wanted to write an unorganized thing of my life story that's probably not gonna be in order 🤷 (MAJOR TW! SH, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SA, CHILD NEGLECT QND ABUSE, ETC)

Uh why am I writing this

ok so one thing I remember is when I was younger, my dad left me for drugs 😊 that's kinda where it starts ig. He said recently he's trying to quit but he doesn't want to talk to me until he heals himself so like.. go off king thanks for fixing yourself lolll. Uh..

Next thing (this actually feels like an essay what the fizzle) so then my mom started dating this guy who became my 'dad' like a father figure ig? But he sucked he kinda is the not sigma guy in this story. Ok so father figure guy, lets call him person, he was mean and did drugs and alcohol and stuff 😠👹 uh anyways he was violent and would always yell at us. (me and my siblings)

Uh.. I remember a time where he picked up my sister and continuously hit her head against the wall. She was screaming for him to stop and he didnt. She was so scared. And I did absolutely nothing. I should have. But I didnt.

Another thing I remember when my mom left us alone with him while she was at work. I love my mom btw, shes not the bad one in this story. She left while he was in an aggressive state. It was really scary. He would always neglect us. He left us alone constantly while she was out cheating. :(

This part has mentions of pedophilia and kind of incest even though he isn't my biological dad. Anyways, the hotel! One time we went to a hotel as like a staycation. Its not far from where we live. In that hotel was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me :(. He kept yelling and getting violent. He literally broke the toilet. He made holes in the wall. Its terrifying. I was 9. In that hotel, my siblings were playing Minecraft on a tv and PlayStation he brought to the hotel. I sat next to him and got under the blanket. He started touching me and grabbing my hand and forcing me to touch him. I was genuinely feeling like I was gonna throw up. This went on for a long time. Almost every day of that spring break. It also went on before this hotel trip. It was fully clothes though, so.. Anyways, my mom was on the bed next to the one he assaulted me on. All I had to do was say something. And she would've noticed something wrong. But I sat silently. Person leaned to me and asked if I liked it. I said no. He kept going. Because he liked it. I hate him. He made me hate my life for a long time. Sam, if you somehow see this (even though you wont) fuck you. I was 9. You were 36. You were my father figure. You're disgusting.

Onto another part. A dew years later, somehow I managed to tell my teacher about it. She told my mom who told the police. I have to go to court in october. If you read this far, please pray for me. He is extremely manipulative and is gonna try and gaslight me.

Anyways, onto sh and suicidal stuff. I'm not suicidal anymore. Dw. Ok, I started spiraling into wanting to die. I would cut myself a lot. I wanted to die. I had a whole plan. And a suicide note. I wanted to die so badly. I tied something around my neck to prepare for what I thought would be the end. But I researched and that would have taken about 4 minutes. So I started researching how to painlessly do it quickly. I know how to die. If it ever got bad again, I could just die.

This girl leaked my information and I saw a whole group of girls whispering about it. Then one of the girls who was on the gossip group ran to me and shouted "YOU CUT YOURSELF?!" drawing the attention of others.

Anyways off of that, I'm healing. If you read all of this, uh why? Ty tho lol. :3 I might make more if these where I drop my lore.

[tera-91]

Mid-June Rant

Im not sure when Ill post this.

July 2nd is when 2024 will be half way over. Even though as I start to write this post it is only June 1st. It feels like Ive spent half of the year already. Like Ive wasted half of the year.

Or rather I cant shake off the last half. When 2024 began I felt like it was Spring oddly enough. Like a new beginning. The first quarter went by and I kept doing the same thing over and over again. Then April hit and I decided to turn my world as I knew it upside down.

Wow that sounds dramatic.

Not really.

Just that I needed to make a change.

My first thought was to go back to school. To do something that I could make what I was in a week in a day. In reality it would probably take me a couple of days. Which wouldn’t be bad. I would more than double my income. The only problem would be that it will take me about 3 and a half years to get there.

That is quite a while to stay at a job that, deep down, I wasn’t happy. I get that it cant be great all the time. But everyday. I would go into work, either pissed off that I was there. That I felt like I was wasting my time. And if I wasn’t mad, or frustrated. I certainly was watching the clock and ready to walk out of the door.

The manager that was directly my boss I guess, was a inconsiderate jackass. But the other one I feel so much respect for. This manager wants to see if things can be talked out with the other manager. But even if that’s the case I feel like that one is such a vindictive tyrant. I don’t want to work for them. I just don’t know how to tell the other manager. Theres nothing else I can do. Nothing else I want to do.

I feel like I need to make a change.

But I have no one to talk it out with.

My friends say that I should take a break. My family is just wishy washy. I should do what I want. I wish I could talk to my dad. I feel like he could understand my brain better. The only other person that gets it is my sibling. Although we got different versions of neuro-spiciness. My sibling has quite a different choice of words for that manager though… I would rather not repeat.

Im not sure how many times Ill tell myself that I need to take a break. To make a change before I actually believe it. Or rather before I actually do something about it.

_____

Im not sure how many days its been since I wrote any of the previous stuff. Ive been doing a bunch of little things.

I feel like Im less stressed, I looked in the mirror the other day and realized, my shoulders were more relaxed.

Ive gotten a few things done. I got at least 3 videos made. I edited audio on another to come out hopefully soon. Ive written a little more.

Im exploring more.

Once I finish writing this Im going to tackle some things again. Try to get more done in my Roman story series. I hadn’t planned on making it a series but I ended up starting 4 stories with Roman for some reason, I don’t feel like I connect a whole lot with his character in comparison to Virgil. Then one day I was out with my pups and a thread appeared in my head. Connecting these 4 stories but I will have to make an additional one to make a 5 story series.

If youre interested in that, hopefully I wont make you wait too long for it. Im just struggling slightly as when I started the first one it was going to end differently so Ive been trying to add and shift things as I go.

I think I have a little bit of a block going, not necessarily in coming up with the story but to actually sit and write it. My brain is struggling to figure out which to tackle first.

Do I write? I have a bunch of different things that I need to write.

Do I record? I’m having a bit of an issue with my voice at the moment but I can at least prepare things to record.

Then there is the issue of income. I know logically at the moment I am lucky enough to have the option to step away from my source of income due to issues. But it is going to be a problem, I just don’t know how soon now. I have a medical thing going on that I will need to spend a not so small amount of money on which was not an issue prior to when I decided to take this path.

So I do think of that. Once that is hopefully taken care of in the real short future I will be able to tackle two things that I have a potential to get income in. Do I set up a patreon? It would be something to potentially help right now. I have applied for several jobs and have had at least 1 interview so far.

Part of me feels silly for thinking this. I mean I did decide to do a thing and this is the consequence of taking that action. But at the same time, I don’t regret making that decision.

Ill try to write the Roman stories but if that doesn’t seem to work I think I will try to get a little editing done.

_____

Right so a few days later and I’m still in job limbo apparently. Certain things happened in recent days. Didn’t get any of the Roman stories done yet.

Going to work on that and everything else that I need to work on.

I just need to do stuff as I have time. It doesn’t matter if I know I only have 5 minutes or if I jump on it and only get to spend that amount of time on it.

Off to make a list of things that I need to get done. Maybe if I have a visual representation of what is on my mind it will help.

[iguanasplit]

hey, its the hottest spring, speudo-summer i might say. i am considering retaking journalling just because i have the hunch it would do wonders to my mind. drawing is too doing wonders to my mind, both simultaneously creating and allowing some information, ideas relief.

i am 24, writing to an old voice, from a website i barely touch but that craddled my dreams when i entered college. and now after eons im here, i do come here sometimes to just talk to you like this, but i do still come sometimes, the same way you pop on my mind sometimes, lighthearted, not always good, but always lovingly. so im here. 4:30pm still working hours but im on lunch break. i work home. extra time i waste because my organizing skills have always been bad and i heard it has a name and im not medicating propperly for it, but then again i never have and ive come this far. so once again, track lost and refound, im here. 24, sitting at home working, drenched in sweat because the weather is awful, but in front of me theres my keyboard, my screen and to my side its the box i set up yesterday, my first and very own CPU. its black, tall and the left side has a pannel that allows me to see the fans spin and the silver of the processors resistance. something i always wanted when i was a child. a real gamer cpu, bought with my own money, and something i wasnt expecting. assembled throught my own hands. i know i shouldnt celebrate departures but in this case i cant help but being way too happy. way too giddy. y' know the way my head just gets stuck on things and wont let go till a big dawn. i hadnt realized how much i was missing, (a pity my brain just wouldnt let go) being entirely obsessed with several groups and such. uh yeah. the posters are there and the albums are too, but i dont burn like i did, desperate to know what did the kpop boys i like this round do today. they seem to be busy, thats good but its as good as i care, i dfidnt realize until i left how in most cases it felt like it didnt quite fit.

now im back on games stuff, its like i should have come here before, you know i knew i would have enjoyed it, their approach, this peoples approach to art is much freer, much more experimental and interesting and i could cry on how well it feels, not just to see things i think about appreciated but finding people who seem to be on that same wavelength. not that i dont appreciate the time, not that i dont love dearly everyone the past around 8 years gave me. i am just simply overjoyed in what i find today. i guess in the end everythings a phase, beginning and end entirely important. how i enter and how i end, what i got in the process its whats really important. i feel youd get it. but more importantly, and the most importantly is that their approach to art reignited mine in a way i hadnt seen in years, that nothing, nothing ever came close to do in the past decade since after you passed. maybe bts came close, but that only solidifies a subject above that has to do with themes and experimentation of art. but back on track. many times last year and in the past few years i was considering jsut leaving art, wanted to rip it off me. wanted off so i wouldnt disappoint myself every single time i tried and tried and failed, knowing i could be normal if i let go something i was never gifted and pretending would just burn me all over. the whole process has been like trying desperately to bury a living thing and hoping it stops coming out. every feet of dirt i just kept disappointing me further, i kept wishing i could take it all lightly. i was so close to dropping it, entirely.and well the regret the regret of seeing how much does everyone around me with real art careers were improving so much while i was crunching code on websites, most time spent trying to tell myself i could make it without drawing, maybe that will ease me out on the paper. but it never did it never came easier, it became harder and harder, and most times i wanted off as if it never existed in first place. not that i didnt love it i simply convinced myself it would be pointless to put on an effort and be disappointed in the end by the lackluster results i end up giving. im sorry, no amount of eroding edges and softening remove how jagged my insides are, and sorry no amount of regret can turn back time and hone the skills for all the time i lost being afraid, thats always been my pitfall. im sorry i only wanted to make you a drawing to explain how much your art ever meant to me and i never got the guts to truly put you in paper. you have always been the most tender of souls and my lacking hand couldnt do justice. but i think im back now. what i mean is that im back to trying this for real, with the intention of breaking, the intention of what i desperately said i did but i never did. im breaking the bones and instead of burying it im ransacking the fucking grave i guess. it all starts the same place it ends. im back where i was in highschool when i decided my young naive self that i wanted to tell stories through art, obsessed with games and animated series, and you were there too, beautiful, so i thought, i should tell you, because i tell you everything.

and so im back where i started, so much time lost but no regrets i guess. sorry not for dropping the pencil but for the many many times i lied about it. you will have my worse because thats after all the most that could be given, stupid, and worrysome, and unable to stop making all the mistakes i didnt make when i was young and too busying trying to make a daughter my parents would be proud instead of whatever i am so theres so much to pick up. i am to be build from scratch, so much to do, so much rough, so much lack of skills, and so you will have me in all the mistakes and loose ends i left, the splinter in the wood from everything i tore apart and never propperly cleaned, but its all of me, and theres so much to clean here before we can propperly start anew. i will take care of it. anyway, i build a computer from scratch like i wished when i was 14 and i still have some tasks to do for work today, but after that im all yours so if youll have me.

[kyaruun]

QIAN THE KISSER lmaooo my ultimae attack is just plopping a heart shape pillow onto everyone that does 99% of total HP damage... i am uncreative these days lilikags only exists because my first oc ever evolved into the sister of kageyama tobio from hq.. which i was obsessed with when i entered this site. nazu-yume turned into nazukisser one day and i do not regret my only ever URL change for a blog that didn't completely change its purpose. riddle-lovehearts was cute on my end. i just think it was cute. but sakunyas is so so so cute its so you very smart indeed

oh these are exams administered not by the school itself but uh. by a company. who charges like 90 dollars per exam. that you statistically will probably not pass. and everyone buys into it because at least taking the course shows you try hard. which helps you get into a good university. better if you scored a 4 or 5, which then again you need to pay to report to Each School You Apply To

when will the collegeboard (this company) get competition that knocks it off its fucking high horse

yeah im taking calc ab which is like. calc 1? and calc bc is calc 1 and 2 in the same amt of time? maybe its bcs all the smart kids go into calc bc is prob why the pass rate is good

oh yeah uh, the grading goes like ... this. they have very strict guidelines on how to grade. so for frq (free response question) if like any of x, x, or x are true, score whatever number it tells you to. if the response gets past those and if any of x x or x are true, score a 6 or smth. and whether the response reached that, depends on the ap graders, who are stuck into this huge place in like idk minnesota and they just grade all day. all day. like they have a quota of like 200 or 300 exams to go through and grade. for mcq its either right or wrong the computer can grade that they prob just scan it all in the scantron

for language yeah it depends on the teacher and how they prepare you for the test over the years you learn the language idk if you did the STAMP test or whatever but i got like one of the top scores in the class for speaking, a 5 5 6 7 (reading, writing, listening, speaking) so technically i have a good chance at ap japanese exam but am i going to sit through sensei's class for another year? hell the fuck no.

i have no idea where they got that, because i was like "tf is happening" this entire year. so like i don't know. but i passed.

ANYWAYS waaaaa ive been taking a break so its really hard for me to accept that i am hardworking even though a lot of people say so? maybe its because like every time i slack i get scolded by someone at home LOL but ive been resting the last 6 days so yeah (spring break)

thankyouuuu if i gibe up all my hobbies i really wont have anything left for me so i have to just. idk find some way to enjoy at least one of them and stick with it till i find something that brings me a lot of joy again 👍🏻someday

anyways sorry this ended up being Extremely Long i can go off about the collegeboard forever. they sent me a text yesterday saying that ap exams are coming up.

jesus christ i'm not surprised you're stressed it sounds so insane. feels like the more you read about it the more braincells you lose ;; i won't complain about the spanish system every agai-- well no i will because it sucks ass but you get the point ;;;

having at least one hobby you can go to to disconnect from responsabilities it's pretty much a need tbh writing is fun. drawing. having an insane brainrot over a cute bunch of pixels <3 anything works as long as it makes your life a bit easier. sometimes even silly things like talking to someone, finding a new game etc

[mindbleeds]

Notebooks found after flood 12/27/22

Focused on good steps

See how easily your mind can shift

Going from negative and questioning

To authentic sturdy positivity

It seems trivial at times, when really its just a misconception of the value in being/keeping simplicity

A bit past three and there is nobody around. A little fucked up, here silence is the loudest sound. Becoming better and making changes. A bit distraught I am just filling up these lines on these pages. Repeating how im not good enough for him. A sea of thoughts that I am drowingng in. If I told you that things get better then Id be lying. Dont know how to make this all right again, but im trying. When the breeze picks up, I hope to drift away. And when the pain sets in, I hope you choose to stay

Tonight I wont sleep. Keep me awake in your dreams. Tomorrow might give reason as to what this all means. For now, this porch is a santuary. And one more sleepless night reinstills my obscure sanity

Here I stand, commencing a peaceful celebration at the edge of this continent. It happens every single morning and night. 

Mother Nature provides us with moments to remain in

Filled with music, lights, and entertain ment

All we have to do is be present

Give back to her the gift of whole hearted embracement

See the natural beauty of all of earths creations

Surrounding you

And find

Youre one of them as well

We stood at the edge of what we had imagined forever might feel like

We found shelther in a cave where darkness and the cold became our home. We came to love it and came to know what the other on of us was

I couldnt hold these words for you any longer

They all held remnants of so many honeysuckle sunsets

That led to nights of staying up far too late

I thought you werent meant to say things like “sleep well babe” to people that didnt matter

But you do

You did

And so I did

And now all thats left are all of these heavy baskets I was forced to bring in off from the front porch

Sheilding them from getting wet and potentially smearing

In case you might need something from them again

But I need to give them back today

Got to let them go and weave a new basket

All these baskets that are filled with left over remnants of honeysuckle sunsets and pine needle nights

On a foggy beach, misty afternoon. The empty shore goes further than my eyes can see. Footprints from the early risers on their morning beach-jogs. Riddled with craters from heavy raindrops hitting. The ocean is a deeper navy than im used to seeing and its extra foamy. As it washes up it leaves little trinkets along the coast for beach goers to collect and give to loved ones. I come across a shell thats perfectly unweathered. I hold it in my palm for a minute and admire its natural beauty then I toss it back into the ocean and I make a wish

Barefooted where the water washes up and over my unpainted toenails of my tatted foot. Its picturesque the way that I sink in deeper with each rise and drift of the tide. For such a chillu early spring day the water is warm. On the horizon cargo ships move along. I always wonder what they are carrying and where its going to. I wonder if people think the same things as I do. A few people pass by, they simple and I smile too. 

I move a little ways from the water and up onto a lifeguard tower. From here I can see the city through the fog. I stay here for a while until I remember my peace. Long enough for the mist to go away and for teh gaurds to tell me Ive got to go. I breathe in the salty air. And draw a picture in the sand. Wash mu feet before I get to the parking lot, and into my car. A quiet drive back to shleter and my bed. Tonight I will rest easy. Thanks to the ocean once again

Greedy eyes better look away. See how they long to step inside my mind without an invitation and I cant break from the state of flux im in where I am drowning out all distractions and building up this creative vision

Grateful just to be livin unlimited and elevated. Forming word clusters resonating with my soul of an indigo hue vibrating higher feel what I can do

Laying it down. Countless times. Consider this a refresher

Let the beauty come pouring out. Long enough it has been running through my veins. Undneath all this pain a sparkle remained in both of my eyes on the most unexpected of days, it became known again. It was that little bit of magic that kept me and still keeps me going. 

To know that in the midst of everything, magic can happen, wounds heal, grace saves, and it is possible for something liek you to search so deep within yourself- not to find any sort of answer but to discover further and more in depth who you are and what you are here to bring to the world. So that in everything you do it is eveyrhitng you are. And you do it so humbly even angels admire it. You are waking up into something more

Connected surpassing all the times I felt neglected

You’re here, right?

Say you rage so hard, right?

Time to put that mentality to the test

Im the neutral party here

Youre the one who’s working the show

Im living and listening

Gotta vent? Get it out

Trying to just shove it all on me? Cut that shit now

Look twice

But dont question even once

Actually really living without regrets

Giving zero fucks, actually

Few are capable of handling me

My ppl know when to leave it alone

And I give it back ten fold their direction

See I show up

Not only for you regularly

But also for me

Selfish

But look how I radiate

Sit back and question

How could I do it any other way

Than this one

This right here counts

Real is what matters

Theyll turn to view the artist

Find goodness and beauty along the way

Seeking it out 

On display 

In a gloomy distraught place

New creators will find their voices

Visionaries will be forced to adjust in the shift

Into alignment with natures message

Theyll be the ones who interpret it

This is what we need

To feel lonely, overwhelmed

Totally clueless about what will happen

For somewhere in that. Fear and desparation

We are bound to discover a newfound hope

So feel what youre feeling

Stay plugged in

Take breaks and remember to

Breathe

I know we will get to a better tomorrow eventually

Rest now

Take it one day at a time 

Sure, youre inside

But are you going to look outside of yourself or go and lock the front door

Look out your window and feel lucky enough to have shelter?

Will it all go back to normal like ti was or is this our chance to redefine normal”? Will you let the anxieties of being completely not in control define and dictace your days or can you pause to know every person is feeling thatanxiety to varying degrees? Wake up to the goodness buried in there

(About 2020)

Sit down take a secodn feel the ground take a breath in and hold it still 1 2 3 4 now let it out

Its a mystery whats left to come thats why I love it

I let myself fall deeply into some of the most unassuming moments

Wouldnt call it something beautiful but theres something great about it

It doesnt happen on purpose

Its only real to me when it unintentionally happens

Force makes it feel fake

This is the push of the universe. Im reciebing gifts I dont deserve

Writing about what im feeling is probably good

Putting it into words- I tend to jump and overanalyze/. Theres a pandemic happening and somehow I dont feel all that panicked- its odd but this isnt about me

Speak only when its time to say checkmate

Write in silence

Gotta let me

E s c a p e 

Into that void

This empty space

No time

Total lack of linear structure

Where I find

Whats incomprehendable to a simple mind

All I know is that this one thing right here

See,

This

Is 

Mine

She does the work and does whats right. Reads up on Jesus to celebrate easter with her family respectfully though to the norm (nam?) she respectfully declines. heartwarmth she is the buddha in the studio. 

Run it. Make me ratchet. Make it crave it till I ask please can I have it

He settles for what he can take

All that he makes

Gets swept away

Hes always running towards heartbreak

Cause its his own

Hes out to shake

She wants so badly to let him in

Hes wearing thing

Her chest caves in

And so does his

One final leap

Today begins

Sunlight

Golden beams hit my body 

Shadows on my ribs

Craters and waves

The ocean, my soft skin

When its broken down be motivated by the sounds - like how when it stops in the surroundings- still we create- loud

Containment makes it worse

Theyre like “do this”

Meanwhile im trying to explain how hard it is to write relevantly but how easy it is to write about a bathroom door

Indeed

Now that Ive found him there is no sense In making myself be grounded

Know that when its forever

It just keeps getting better

I tried to wrap my head around coincidenece

Couldnt make sense of it

Then I met him

The calm of letting things go

Breathing, feeling, living and feeling whole on my own

Its all because he found me

So many weights disappeared and were lifted

I sort of always knew that Im gifted

Searching for that gifts purpose

Could I return it? 

Give it back to the betterment of whatever is left thats still good?

When I come back

I reiterate

It isnt over yet

Matter of face

This is only jsut the start

Soo ill take on my role

Quite literally play my part

Selfish as it seems from your perspective

This is always for you

Not me

Drip

Drift

Descend

Fall 

In

To

Fade away into Neverland

Wild dreams that speak

Are filtered

Outrageous thoughts

Deemed too controversial

Well im craving an uproar

Desiring the upside down 

Pray that we lose all sense of normal

To be forced into a new right side up

Maybe then 

People change

Maybe then

Weve still got a fighting chance

To make this a better place

When its my turn to speak

Listen from a “all the past is erased” point of view

Im here to say

We can make it happen

Youve got to be with me the whole way

Is the ceiling caving in or is it exploding?

Feeling weightless yet grounded in the moment

I lost track of all the days last week

I think

That Ive got no clue what im even really thinking

But when im just feeling like this

It feels so right to just go with it

I move

Are you with me

Pray you dont ever forget

Its me who is in charge 

Of the pace of this

The ebbs and flows

The waves youve been riding

Thats all me

Always will be

Always has been

There is no next step

There is only here

There is only now

Just this moment

To take up residency in

At a table

Surrounded by a bunch of tall grass

And weeds

The light is shining down, you can see it really clearly

The river thats ahead is canopied by trees and the birds on all the wispy branches are out there singing the songs that they sing

I am intricately interwoven 

Into this tapestry of life

Some days I know exactly what I am doing and where I am going

Other days I have absolutely no ideas

This does not slow me down becasue I trust the process of it all

I carry a sack full of goals and ambitions with me. I dream alot. Visions are what I feel I can hold onto. They get clearer the more time I devote to developing them. The more I alloow myself to jsut be, the more abundant they/it becomes. The more that I surrender to the wild excitement that comes along with living, the happier and calmer I become. I am opening myself up to more movement with no real expectation fo what that might lead me to. I am worthy of this journey. I am here

I am willing

And I am always ready to take on whatever life hands me

The smell of the river mixed with bug spray

The red cardinal waiting for me patiently at the front door

Calm and at ease

Pleasant

My head rests on my knee

A fresh start

Still it sort of seems the same

Im learning the value in that

How to not just shy away

How to allow

Take in

Hold on

Feel

Impact

Let go

Release

Reverberate within the atmosphere

Its sort of smelly here

Then again, so am I 

My god its been a while since Ive been able to just sit back and relax 

Like we used to do back when we still felt like kids

Feels like ages since back then, hard to believe how much weve grown

But im so glad that we grew the way we have

I know that nothing can erase the past

No substnace is gonna change what is fact

Im okay with all of that

I wont ever deny whats true or withold any of the details of my story and struggle

I stand by saying all I did had to be done 

I feel like I might be capable of getting this message through and across

You cannot blame yourself for being guarded. 

Closing off

For protecting your once-soft heart that over time was hardened

I know its hard, that people can be mean

They can backstab and betray you. I  know its easier to just get up and walk away than it is to wait around for someone when youve become so accustomed to how they all leave. I cant promise you that everyday will be sprinkled with magic and glitter but I can tell you that one day, the right ones will come along, and youll know theyre the right ones to come because they are the ones who will stay.

Proud of how you have fought to not push them away

[libidomechanica]

The Masters lie

A Kelly lune sequence

               I

But prudence is slain. The Master’s lie? For when the woods!

               II

) But given you see. And babbles that all satisfied.

               III

Take, oh, take turns to progress silver anvils, and play.

               IV

Beneath the substance, and I defaced. Which I will sure!

               V

Might this fair surpasseth. And the like; she taught my way.

               VI

As the breath the same? Noon, there is no one to bless this.

               VII

Water shall not wait? Years for whose grace the Shepherd’s crook.

               VIII

She tells her lo’e nae man but with shot, her breast.&Somewhere.

               IX

Those faire to be! Sulk upon him who first learne spelling.

               X

When small bird? Our morning beneath a Double Burden.

               XI

Trees of a Ghazál. For pleasure shade, where these forests.

               XII

Her several part. -Ah! Love spark that need’st thou shalt do!

               XIII

That time—so just lie under the while as is the heart.

               XIV

Hopes which I don’t believe it. I’ll wed another’s fate!

               XV

And would come to bid farewell! That spread with misgouernaunce.

               XVI

For all as a man! The woman beare, moste is, a fool.

               XVII

Rip away the Lambe? Naked as horse? Full of the year.

               XVIII

As you can no more than mine. Now it ran bright contain!

               XIX

Drying in the blue. Turned half-round them. Love’s great god Pan.

               XX

Towards the Hunter’s near. The tear is used. Our girls, she fell.

               XXI

With horses dark again is sweetest scent. Let me go.

               XXII

And lo! But mutual bliss, when shifted round by thee.

               XXIII

Speak to injure. And baby. In faith is strange to meet.

               XXIV

Thee is but a voyage done! Had leuer my father one.

               XXV

But weave, weave them sighing and with all mine ears, their troth?

               XXVI

Is made of chamber studs, my hunting the way to death!

               XXVII

Pick up bad habits of power: and wives! Remember?

               XXVIII

I’ll wed another lay. She is not its signified.

               XXIX

A carpenter braue. Rocks that brought it, and I defaced.

               XXX

My sonne of his sole obiect best of Eternity.

               XXXI

To her face! To keep them with his mind prints his own skin.

               XXXII

Nay, but would he hankers, I never collide? Again.

               XXXIII

I will break. When I perhaps, thou art? Ridiculous.

               XXXIV

Last. Thus vainly this test—thy body answer; feeling.

               XXXV

A wheel echoes breaks. Cowards me pain. They slander so!

               XXXVI

These hallways. Well is it seemed to feed our idle shell.

               XXXVII

But drove Confusion change to me, nor smell, desire!

               XXXVIII

In this closely fused as fuel, heat, a breathing. His wont.

               XXXIX

—Alas! So not eares, but was a rose that from bedde.

               XL

Of sweet love, nor rested day by day prepare my Fall!

               XLI

And layd him dead. Somehow— I know in the outlet thee.

               XLII

There came to some light. I write, before we grow older.

               XLIII

All thought, mark me, Peona! I try to make us poor.

               XLIV

Take it sweet dreams are bad. The blue as you could you more?

               XLV

What’s freedom a drug that’s bought availed: he was brought to.

               XLVI

My lord was like a sea-fish. What if with thanks and cream?

               XLVII

Paws, and bids make all but Luther’s hunger mouth and lo!

               XLVIII

Nurse of you and yet three castle gate, pulling yourselves.

               XLIX

I felt the pleasure. Year be spring home till his eye.

               L

My clenched hand; she remember. Take, oh, take them more spell.

               LI

She fell. Nut have fresh bend of some stooped down some mischiefe.

               LII

-Be quicke. Her een sae bright gold sands, islands, and so long.

               LIII

Quit, quit for the iewell. To sell her stand open wyde.

               LIV

You came into the click of the shoe or slip or fall.

               LV

As on a shelf. At last I saw not, hearing her word?

               LVI

As Lady Psyche as she laid a feeling are one.

               LVII

Met wi’ an auld man. That keeps with many a fine knack.

               LVIII

Did for my voyage done! See her, look upon her face!

               LIX

That, in purple cleft brings a great harmes resist? The eye.

               LX

Julia, that Do; what Thyself and yourselves. Water, war!

               LXI

My stumbling chanced that he could keep a purer joy?

               LXII

Late at night, and in, from which gave upon a feature?

               LXIII

Entered into his sweet purse-mouth when the common-sense!

               LXIV

Bathing of my heart. Its girth; but when the stones, their sun.

               LXV

Than the isle of Dew. Savage and press? Sleeker than mine.

               LXVI

First of human kind. Would often deuoured they be fair.

               LXVII

Well, Sir, awful power shall our blood; it groan’d, and weep.

               LXVIII

That your isolation! Sing me a foot and a pose.

               LXIX

A flowers in your books, on your arm. An offices.

               LXX

Wonder at the poor lambkins from the heavenly tune?

               LXXI

Would they were met by my heart. So removèd by our praise.

               LXXII

Against thy calling. Glass of earth tis his fancy-sick.

               LXXIII

It makes its sound and wept. Make the snow, whether absence!

               LXXIV

You tell me all so often and with pity and die.

               LXXV

From her proof of desolate rockfields. But surely die.

               LXXVI

—To the doubtful smile and green. In the flockes be vnfedde.

               LXXVII

So witen ech other. These things? He fixed thee? The year.

               LXXVIII

There at the wild-briar is swerving. That will be dear.

               LXXIX

The though the grass; shapeless this. Full many lesings one!

               LXXX

Died thee? Let love, as a dream: yet such a paradise.

               LXXXI

As Horace fat, or a Tory, or Trimmer at least.

               LXXXII

Stood silent: for the iewell. Will to pre-occupy.

               LXXXIII

Ah! In the nipple; paps tractable as udders were.

               LXXXIV

The flashlight pendulum. Where is no reason at all.

               LXXXV

For I have done in tender mistresses. And wonder.

               LXXXVI

He heavenly zone. Full in the dore, and how soon thine.

               LXXXVII

Above a shooting. I was lost in the land, with leaves.

               LXXXVIII

He hoasts and having no such a Surplus as feeds Hell.

               LXXXIX

And spread greyly eastward, that like an arrow for me.

               XC

Hunt all beauties flow? Why did I wonders the heauens height.

               XCI

May so farewell! The mouing of her manners, wit, or face!

               XCII

Commend thee. But he must curse the happy was the sun.

               XCIII

Another skin from my wounds. So that was once esteem.

               XCIV

My husband is he gone? Pale death, dear Cloe, and silence.

               XCV

For thee to repeat. To steal and cleft the spirit well?

               XCVI

With her glory from the edge. He that place and tower.

               XCVII

Truth suppress’d. Upon this guilty with the lave o’t!