#its literally only been 1 week but the stress of uni makes me want to gif again

[miyawaki]

hugs for eunchae <3

[writingsfromhome]

Bad Timing I(.5)

A/N: This is the sort of backstory to Harry and you, I think it can be read on its own if you want, or before you read the first part too. It’s angsty af, but it has some death and sensitive topics jsyk. I tried to keep it concise but it got a little wordy as angst does. xx

Part 1

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About 12 Years Ago:

“So are you coming to that party or not?” My roommate asks. She was one of the first people I’d met last year when we started uni and even though we came from different backgrounds we remained friends over the last year, even choosing to room together again. She got me to open up and find the extroverted part of me that was able to enjoy uni outside of academics.

“Ugh, I’m volunteering for the voting booths for the rest of the week. Maybe if I can make it?”

“You’re actually doing that?” She scrunches her nose. “I don’t get it. You’re just way too nerdy to be my friend.”

“And yet you loove me,” I squeeze her against me and she laughs. “It’s my mom, she said I had to do at least one extracurricular so I could meet friends this year.”

“You already have friends,” she points to herself, and with her came her group of friends that’d quickly taken me in last year.

And my mom doesn’t like that I hang out with you, I think. She thought we partied too much even though my grades stayed decent. “She wants me to have nerdy friends too, I dunno. They’re helping me pay my tuition until I get a job so I kinda have to play nice.”

“Parents suck,” my roommate flicks through her closet. I agreed, this was just something I would get through to get through. Then they would leave me alone for the rest of the year.

Little did I know the person they’d partner me with at my polling station was someone who would be in my life for the next decade.

“I’m Harry by the way,” he’d said after we received our orientation and assigned the building we were going to babysit the votes in. “Second year.”

“Me too! I’m Y/N. What’s your major? I’ve never seen you around.”

“Law--well I haven’t decided if it’s law but that’s what I’m in right now.”

“Really? Law?” I was openly judging, he just didn’t seem the law type.

“Well what are you in?” He demands.

“Business,” I cringe.

“Really? Business?” He has a cheeky smile on, one that would become familiar to me.

“Well, you just don’t seem like the law type. They’re usually more uptight, dress way too smart for me.”

“I know, it’s like, we’re not even in the courtroom yet,” he joins in and it makes me laugh--how he could poke fun at his own people. That’s when I knew we would get along fine, and I actually looked forward to the next few days getting to know him better.

“I’m definitely telling my mum about you, she’s been begging me to make friends outside of my circle. I’ll tell her I’m friends with a law student.”

“So we’re friends already?” We’d reached our booth and began setting up the partitions. He takes over when I set it up wrong.

“Obviously,” I say. “I actually like you which means you’ll have a hard time getting rid of me.”

“I’m alright with that,” he grins and I notice the laugh lines that are brought to life as he does. It somehow made him seem more genuinely.

We spend the rest of the time swapping stories, classes, rants. We check student IDs and hand out voting cards in between but it doesn’t feel like a drag anymore. At the end of the day, I invite him to the party my roommate was going to with our friends. If he was going, maybe I would too. He seemed like he might be fun at a party.

“Er,” he suddenly seems nervous. “I’ll have to ask my girlfriend, she wanted to hang out tonight.”

“Well bring her too!” I say excitedly. “Is she law as well?”

“No, she’s in the arts.”

“I like her already,” I push. “Bring her, my friends are fun you’ll learn how to have a good time.”

“I know how to have a good time,” there was the flash of his dimples again. “Text me the address.”

And thus began a friendship for the next four years, partying together, studying together (trying to), and hanging out in each other’s rooms. We would set each other up with other friends, double dated, went out for sunrise-hikes, and took long drives at night when we had to blow some steam off from being over-stressed, over-studied uni students. Our friend circles overlapped, the fabric of our lives eventually bleeding together. We were made of the same fibers, sticking together even after uni, when our friends got more serious about their careers. When they moved out of the country or to another city, we made sure to rent places close enough that we could still see each other often. And somehow, in the new chapter of our lives, without the partying and our other friends to buffer, we became closer than before.

We cared for each other--we didn’t deny that ever. And somehow that platonic love turned romantic as we depended on each other while we navigated adulthood. I can’t exactly pinpoint where things changed, but one evening our relationship was changed forever.

7 years ago:

“She literally wants me to stay until 7, and she was offended when I said no! I’m not even getting paid for that!” I was bitching to Harry about my shitty job.

“That’s bollocks” Harry shrugs. “Just say you’ve got family obligations or something.”

“I said that the one time she wanted us to come in on a weekend and she gave me shite work the following week! I just...I can’t afford to lose this job Harry.”

“That’s shitty, I’m sorry.” He takes the last swig of his beer. “Want another one?”

“I haven’t even finished this one,” I moan at my now warm beer that I’d been nursing for the last hour, too busy ranting to drink it. “It’s getting late though I should head home before it’s dark. Don’t want that nutter that hangs around my building to harass me again.”

“I’ll walk you home,” Harry suggests. He lived a 15 minute walk from me.

“No no,” I get up and take our dirty dishes to the sink. “I didn’t even ask about you, how was your day?”

“Same old,” he sighs against the counter. “I feel like I don’t fit in, everyone my age is finishing their law degree but I don’t think I want to.”

“I knew from the day I met you, you weren’t destined for the courtroom.” I pull him into a comforting hug. “Do what makes you happy, or what doesn’t make you want to say fuck it and quit your job to hibernate.”

“You really know the perfect thing to say,” Harry chuckles but he pulls me tighter against him. I stroke his back, reassuring him he’d be alright in the end.

“Y/N-” he pulls away to say something but freezes mid sentence. I raise an eyebrow but he’s still, staring at my face.

“Harry?” I ask, but he continues staring. “Hello? You alright?”

“Yeah,” he breaks into a sudden smile. That was weird--I make sure he’s okay before letting go.

Before I leave, I kiss Harry’s cheek goodbye--I was never shy in the affection I gave my friends and Harry’s bummed mood needed extra affection tonight. But what I don’t expect is for him to catch me before I pull away, staring intently into my eyes. The lighthearted energy between us disappears instantly as it dawns on me, how close we were, the unspoken feelings in his eyes, the hesitation before he presses his lips to mine.

I kissed him back then, barely understanding what was happening, before pulling away. I give him a smile but that’s just what he sees at the tip of the iceberg, underneath my mixed feelings churn away. My best friend just kissed me, and I wasn’t totally mad about it.

“It’s getting dark I-” I say as Harry says, “Sorry was that okay?”

We laugh awkwardly, neither of us sure what to do at this point. We decide to ignore it instead.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Harry lets me go and opens the door for me. “Watch out for the neighbourhood nutter yea?”

I stand in place, feeling the fibers of our friendship unraveling but feeling hopeless in mending the tear. “Take care Harry.”

I high tail it out, my thoughts going at an impossible rate as I sort out what happened. And we try to ignore it the next couple weeks,

We hadn’t made it official then, too nervous to face what this meant about our friendships. It was only at my sister’s wedding, that I realised what was wrong between us. I’d been mourning our old friendship, and avoiding him in the weeks since the kiss. But what I didn’t realise was that our friendship had been changing over the last year anyway, and getting drunk on champagne and dancing with Harry, while my sister celebrated the happiest day of her life, made me realise there was a cause for celebration here: a new chapter in our lives.

A couple days later, after a stressful day at work, I’d taken the tube to his flat and waited for him outside. He was surprised to see me there, not saying much except to open the door and let me in. As soon as he’d closed it, my lips were attached to his and we’d let our bags drop, coats, and any piece of clothing between us. After that night, we didn’t even try to deny how we felt about each other.

“I didn’t think I could ever be this happy,” he’s whispered to me after. I thought he’d fallen asleep but his whisper in the dark made me grin to myself. “Are you awake.”

“I am. Awake and happy.” I turn to face him, giggling. “Who knew this could feel so right.”

“Our first kiss was quite wrong though wasn’t it?” Harry says and it makes me laugh.

“That’s why I needed to do a redo,” I tease. “Can’t leave you to plan anything.”

“It wasn’t planned I swear, I was trying to be spontaneous.”

“Let’s not try ‘spontaneous’ again then,” I kiss him in the dark. He pulls me snug against him, I never knew how safe it felt. The safest I would ever feel, wrapped in the warmth with my best friend and now something else.

It was a good few months, testing the waters as our relationship underwent a transformation. All of our friends were supportive, but we never missed the glances between them. Apparently, they were waiting for this to happen. But as sweet as those first few months had been, finding out my mum was sick with a timeline was devastating. I came apart at the seams but Harry stayed through it all, holding me together. He’d proposed then, wanting my mum to be part of the ceremony. We had a small wedding, intimate but still magical. It was bittersweet, the amount of love and happiness I felt towards Harry and our loved ones around us as he said I do and as he took my arm and swept me across the dancefloor. But the amount of sadness crushing my chest kept me from being the weightless bride I always thought I would be.

Through it all, Harry stayed by my side. While we were hopeful, the day our hopes were dashed, the days and weeks I mourned. When my sister and her husband came to stay with their crazy toddlers and Harry kept them entertained giving my sister and I time together. I thought he was perfect, that I’d lucked out.

That lasted a few years, 3 and a half to be exact. There were months leading up to our split and we could point to a bunch of things that could’ve led to it. a) him wanting kids, and me wanting to wait or b) long hours we worked as we changed careers and tried to make our way up or c) how hard getting pregnant actually was. Maybe I pushed him away, or he didn’t love me enough to try and make it work.

I think I lied to myself, avoiding the tension creeping into the relationship. The tired excuses and time spent apart, the lack of usual affection, or casual conversations. I was an idiot, I realise every time I think about the end in retrospect. Maybe if I caught on earlier I could have fixed us before we fell apart. Maybe I could have saved us.

“There’s someone coming in Tuesday morning to fix the broken washer, will you be home?” I ask, still in bed and scrolling through my phone. I hadn’t meant to be up this early but Harry woke me as he got up and I couldn’t fall back asleep.

“No,” Harry responds, his back to me as he ruffles through the dresser. “I’ve got a thing that morning.”

“Well I’ve got to go in early Tuesday-I thought you might be home.” I say. I hear an edge to Harry’s voice but I try not to focus on it. He’d been a little cold all weekend and I was scared to think what it meant.

“You couldn’t be bothered to check in when you confirmed the date?” Harry asks harshly.

“I...guess not.” I put my phone down and wait for Harry to turn, maybe I could read his expression. Maybe he was stressed. “Harry?”

“What?” He turns, but he looks at me with no emotion. No stress, no frustration, not even anger. It’s the lack of emotion in his face that cause my eyes to prick with tears. Harry raises his eyebrows and I shake my head, untangling myself from the sheets so he doesn’t see any tears. I rush to the bathroom but forget to close the door out of habit.

“Y/N,” a kinder Harry appears by the doorway. His face has smoothed out the harsh lines, his eyes hesitant and cautious.

“What’s happened with us?” I blurt out. “Why are you so cold all the time? Am I doing something wrong?”

Harry’s face falls and he walks towards me but doesn’t touch me. “It’s nothing like that. It’s...I don’t know. We should talk.”

He reaches his hand out but I flinch away. “Did you meet somebody new or something? What are we talking about?”

“Let’s not do this here. Right now.”

“Why not!” I finally had enough. “I’ve been walking on eggshells for months Harry! I don’t know what’s wrong and I keep waiting for you to bloody tell me!”

“This isn’t working!” Harry raises his voice to compensate for mine. I’m immediately silenced by the volume, and then the words sink in.

“Is there someone else?” I ask.

He doesn’t answer, his gaze on the hanging vines by the window. My heart drops into my stomach like a boulder, and I find it hard to breathe. I clutch the porcelain sink and ask in a surprisingly even tone, “Harry. Answer me.”

“What we have, Y/N...it’s dysfunctional.” He says quietly, meeting my eyes. “It doesn’t matter if there’s someone else, we’ve been fighting for months. Things aren’t the same between us-”

“Who is she?” I ask. I needed to know.

“That’s not relevant,” he shuts my question down quickly. “I’m sorry Y/N, I...I don’t want to hurt you. I care about you, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t,” I’d pleaded. “We can go to counseling, talk it through-”

“I can’t Y/N.”

“Because of her.”

“No, because this isn’t good for either of us.” He’d walked up to me, cradled my face. “We’re not good for each other, not like this.”

“Who is she?” I yank his hands away.

“She’s...it doesn’t matter, I swear nothing happened between us Y/N. Knowing who she is isn’t going to help this situation--”

“It is! If it weren’t for her, you’d be willing to work on us--to see a future. You...Harry how could you do this to me? To us?” The tears come with no control. “You’re moving on before we’re even over. How are you giving up on us like that?”

“I’m not!” his voice booms in the tiled bathroom. “I’m not bloody giving up on us! I tried Y/N, so many times. I tried! You just keep pushing at me to be someone I’m not and-”

“I can say the same thing about you!” I throw the brush in my hands into the sink. “We were good! And you got it in your head you wanted a baby even though we’re young, oh my god Harry you kept pestering me to change my mind even though I told you I needed time!”

“It’s not like we could have a fucking baby anyway,” Harry says bitterly before realising what he’d said. “Shit-”

“There you go,” I mock. “I knew it. I knew you were holding that against me. And that,” I jab my finger into his chest. “Is what’s made you so moody, so mean and why we’re always fighting. You held it against me.”.

There was absolute truth to what I said. Last year, Harry had brought the baby topic up. I’d told him we were only in our mid-20s, we had a lot of time, and we still had a career to establish. But he would bring up the topic often enough that I’d given in.To make him happy. And months went by, trying for a baby. Went we finally went to our doctor, she’d told us why it was so hard, it could take us years she’d said.

Harry came home that day dejected, and left me feeling like a failure. I think it tore us up.

“You wanted a baby so fucking bad and when I couldn’t, it made me feel like a complete failure. And I told you that! And you did absolutely nothing to make me feel better. You held it against me, Harry! You didn’t even try to tell me it was okay.”

“It’s not so fucking simple,” he says, his cheeks flushed pink. Maybe it was anger, or maybe it was embarrassment from being confronted with an ugly truth.

“It is. And now you’ve upgraded to a newer model, maybe her version comes with a fertile womb.” I take the cheap shot.

He doesn’t say anything though. And I don’t know why that hurts more than knowing he’d fallen for another woman while he was still married to me. My best friend in the whole world had just broken my heart into a million irrevocable pieces.

“It’s a bunch of things Y/N,” he finally says. “That’s just part of it. We’re not...we’re just not working!”

“Did you even try to make it work?” I ask, swiping my sleeve across my face. “Did you ever think how I felt? How you made me feel Harry? You’ve been slipping away from me without talking to me-” I break off. I couldn’t speak through the heartbreak, the thunderstorm of grief threatens to consume me and my sobs are the only thing that manages to come out.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Harry tries to place a hand on my shoulder but I jerk away, moving to sit on the edge of the bathtub. “Y/N...”

“Just go,” I say through the tears.

“We can talk more about this later-”

"Just go,” I say louder.

Harry’s phone rings again from the bedroom and he sighs. But he leaves me, crying on the bathroom floor. The sadness that was always in my peripheral consumes me. I’d carried this sadness for a long time--ever since I found out my mum was sick, the sadness plagued me. I’d neatly packed it up once I decided to move forward with my life like my mum would want me to, but now it comes back tenfold, marrying the grief of losing Harry like this. And I stay on the floor crying my grief away for hours, eventually crawling into bed and sleeping the daylight away.

When I wake, it’s 6 and Harry isn’t home. I take that as a sign and get up to pack up a few things. I call my sister who still lived in London then, and crash on her couch, staying there for a few weeks and ignoring any call or text from Harry. When I need to go back, for my things, I find him sleeping on the couch with the TV on, something I always found endearing. But I can’t afford to dwell on how much it hurt seeing him like that.

He must have woken from the noise because when he finds me, he tries to stop me and tell me that we still needed to talk.

“About what?” I ask, just tired now. Too many tears shed and too many hours laying awake thinking about the exact moment we went wrong.

“Us,” Harry looked tired too. He was probably throwing himself into his work with nothing like me to hold him back, I think bitterly. His girlfriend had probably already been to our house--his house.

“What about us?” I barely look at him as I begin folding away all my clothes.

“I don’t know,” Harry sits on the bed. “Don’t you want to talk?”

“I’ve got nothing to say, do you?”

Harry sighs, “I don’t know.”

“Nice talk then,” I say, shoving the rest of my things in just so I could get out.

“I just want you to know I care about you Y/N, I don’t want to hurt you.” He says as I pack.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. If you cared about me, and you didn’t want to hurt me you wouldn’t have done this to us.”

“I wasn’t trying to--I didn’t mean to go and fall for someone else-”

“Just stop,” I cut him off. I couldn’t hear it, how the man I loved fell for someone else. I couldn’t break down here. Again.

He said he cared but it didn’t feel that way. It hurt more than I wished to admit. He knew what I’d been through and he still betrayed me, tossed my heart like it was replaceable. The cut he left in me ran deep.

As I leave he tries to talk to me, but I barrel past him. He still reaches for me and pulls me into a hug, I struggle against him but he’s too strong. He wraps me in his arms until I go still but it’s too much. A sob escapes me, and this time he lets me push him off and leave, my bag banging into my hips every time I take a step. As soon as I got into my Uber, I can’t stop crying. There was an infinite pool of tears where Harry was involved.

3 years ago:

My trust and my heart had been been lost in the war between Harry and I. It only took him a month to mail my divorce papers which sat collecting dust on my dining table until he showed up at work one day and demanded I sign them by the end of that week. I’d taken the day off the day I mailed those in, mourning the end of something that was once so safe and beautiful.

When a close friend calls me on a warm July afternoon, I don’t consider her warning that I shouldn’t check Instagram. That I still had Harry’s friends on my list. I open Instagram before she can tell me why, and see it. Harry was getting married, again. To the woman he gave up on us for. I try to zoom in on a picture without liking it, she was pretty...and blonde. She looked familiar--probably from his office. It didn’t take him long.

It was like someone had taken a retractor to the wound I thought had finally scabbed over. The physical proof that Harry had moved on is just the salt on the wound.

I cry myself to sleep that night.

2 Years ago;

The guy in front of me drones on about his job, mansplaining to me how a mortgage worked as if I wasn’t in finance myself. I excuse myself to use the restroom, checking my phone to see a text from my sister. She’d moved to Scotland this year, to where her husband was from, and I’d missed her terribly in the last year.

A little birdie told me your demon-ex just got divorced 🥂

I stare at the screen, chest feeling tight. I felt vindicated somehow, but I also felt a small bit of sadness. What a fuck-up.

Good for him I had texted back. A part of me wanted him to hurt the way he hurt me.

I went back to my date with a renewed enthusiasm. I’d ordered more wine and got so drunk he was actually interesting enough to take home.

About 1 year ago

“Y/N,” a voice from my past says, one that haunted me some nights. I turn as I exit the shop I was just in. I blink at the sight before me, Harry in a vest and hat. He realises what I’m staring at and laughs awkwardly. “I’m in uniform.”

“You’re...police?” I look up to his face finally. He hadn’t aged a day, although the hat he wears makes him look a little silly.

“Yeah I joined the force uhm...almost 4 years ago now...law didn’t really suit me.”

I know what he was doing, trying to find a baseline to have a conversation. But he was dead to me, and I didn’t want to invite him back in when I was finally forgetting about him.

"Seems like you dropped a lot of dead-weight four years ago.”

I watch his face fall as he realises I wasn’t going to pretend to be friendly.

“Seems that way to you,” he says cautiously. “But that’s not how it happened.”

I shrug. “So. I heard about the divorce. Must’ve been hard being put through that.”

I knew I was being petty, obviously I never got the closure I want (according to my therapist) and I wasn’t over him hurting me the way he did (also according to my therapist). This was how I got my peace, and it wasn’t the best version of me but it was the only one I knew how to be right now.

“Yep,” he crosses his arms over his chest. “So, are you seeing anyone?”

He knew I wasn’t, I don’t know how but the way he stoops to my level I know he knows I hadn’t had a long term relationship since him.

“Not at the moment,” I say awkwardly. “Just focusing on my job...trying to get this promotion.”

“Sorry,” he seems to shake off whatever had come over him. “That was...nosy, I shouldn’t have asked.”

Having him be the bigger person sets something off in me, like there was an anger-bomb inside my mind where he lived and knowing that he was doing okay enough to be able to be the bigger person disrupts this calm I was trying to keep.

“Maybe you shoudn’t have stopped me to ask anything at all. We don’t have anything to talk about anyway.”

I turn around and start to walk away but he catches up, “I wasn’t trying to upset you-”

“Well you have a way of doing that. Please just leave me alone Harry.”

He huffs beside me, “After all this time, can’t we just bloody talk like two adults?”

I freeze and turn to him slowly. He seems to sense this was the wrong thing to say because he takes a step back. “After all this time? Are you serious? I was the one you left behind Harry when you went off to lives your best lift Harry. We’re not living the same life, and we’re not coming from the same bloody place. Don’t fucking patronize me and ask me to talk to you like an adult when you bring out the worst part of me. I meant what I said: I want you to leave me alone. And you know what, if we ever run into each other again, just don’t even talk to me. Pretend you don’t know me. I want nothing to do with you.”

He opens his mouth but his partner calls him from the shop’s entrance. He stays silent, letting me go. As soon as I turn the street corner I rush the rest of the way to the tube, collapsing into a seat and trying to sort out my breathing. It was a shitty feeling, knowing someone was going to be in your life forever because you shared so much history that even when that part of your life ended they were still there. There was so much apart of me, around me, that reminded me of him. And it felt so lonely carrying that around. I wanted to be done with him, I wanted my heart to purge him out. But it couldn’t stop carrying him around everywhere I go.

[caphayzardous]

I don’t feel like I cracked or broke this semester I just like started very low because of the winter depression, and the lockdownz, and then started recovering slightly, but then slowed down, and slowed down, and slowed down...

I’ve been taking so much time off, all I do these days is sleep, eat, go for a walk, and somehow it takes up a whole day. I do spend an amount of time sitting curled up on the floor thinking, ‘I should work’, and probably that nebulous amount of time is where I am losing hours. that and I sleep too much. just the bare minimum existence and I can’t find any heart to work. next week is the first of the final assignments, and then the other three are all within 10 days of that; I have only really started 1 of them, and barely. I don’t want to apply for more extensions (one of them has already been extended) because if I can’t even access ‘stress mode’ productivity NOW then I don’t think an extra week will do anything at all to help me get things done.

I’m not really worried? I’m not stressed? I’m not too sad even, but I am not too good. Very empty. Although I have also cried on like 15 out of the last 21 days (since I turned 25) lmao but there’s been... reasons for most of that. I’m very self conscious of how other people might see my treatment of uni right now, but... I do love it, and I know I did well last semester, I believe I will do well next year... but we’re at uhh let’s see 66 days into the current lockdown, and we’ve passed a total of 250 days in lockdown as a city, so like. idk. I can adapt I can make the best of a situation I can persevere etc etc etc but I think in the last few weeks the tricks and methods just don’t really cut it lmfao.

its so hard to keep working when there’s nothing else, so hard to enjoy walking when it’s the same paths, so hard to manage your days when you also have to book vaccines (which, the process here was basically ‘seagulls fighting for a single chip, but also the seagulls have class disparity’) and then be knocked out with fatigue from said vaccines, and then you also continue to get colds even in lockdown because your immune system is shit, and then you have to go and wait 3 hours in a drive thru testing site - and also, you know what, getting a period every month doesn’t fucking help, I’m going to say it, I’m going to say it. when you’re not having a great time and then every 4 weeks you do that whole charade again it doesn’t HELP, does it.

I kind of feel just like I did in year 12 lmfao, where I thought, ‘I should have dropped out sooner’ lmao and then I had to just stick it out. a bit sunk-cost fallacy you know. but it’s literally week 12, which is the LAST week for half my classes, and I’m like motherfucker I should have trusted my gut and deferred the semester way back when this lockdown dropped, the idea of completing literally every week of a class and then failing the last assignment and having to redo the course is PRETTY BAD LMAO, but I guess it happens and it’s normal. Anyway. I wont fail ‘em, I’m going to get through it. when I chose not to defer I knew that meant I’d be accepting A Bad Semester in terms of grades so like. That’s ok.

The upside is. Once I get the semester over and done with (come what may) I think I will swing up a bit because. I can better enjoy things without this looming over me. I’m already kind of ‘doing whatever I want (within restrictions lmao AKA I am Walking) irresponsibly and dismissing my uni obligations’ but it doesn’t exactly feel good. We’ll be out of lockdown soon which is it’s own terror because the city is going to just accept a new rate of death which feels pretty bad you know lmfao. but lockdown doesn’t work as well here anymore and it will only be less and less effective (people really are tired).

But you know. Might feel nice to be able to do more things. On saturday I saw my best friend for the first time since this lockdown started, since we’re both vax’d now and the like travel limit was upped to 10km a couple weeks ago. Nice that I can see 1 friend now, you know! That was something different and enjoyable! We’re getting more and more days of sun so I can probably shake of the ol’ seasonal affective, which, honestly I’d’ve already shook if it weren’t for uni & lockdown ykwim, so like. etc etc.

here’s to a happy november, soon. lol new dave gahan album in nov too so genuinely excited for that as well hahah, media is not enough to sustain me but I think it will all culminate in a nice month I guess, let me just reach it without my brain dissolving completely, please!!!!

[krreader]

ensorcell | chapter 7.

pairing: prince!taehyung x reader ; park jimin x your best friend fandom: bts warnings: non idol!au ; prince!taehyung ;  arranged marriage ; language genre: fluff ; angst ; smut word count: 2.4k+ previous: 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 ; 5 ; 6

summary: it was funny, how meeting one single person could change your life forever. you were ordinary, he was not. he was rich, you were not. he fell in love with you and so did you. even though he was never supposed to.

a/n: Idk, it never feels like the last update has been so long ago and then I’m like F U C. but anyways, I hope you like this chapter, because I am so excited for it!!!

“Come on, this isn't even a hard topic,” your best friend said over FaceTime.

“You try balancing university and the life of a royal, we'll see how you do.

You let out a breath when you scratched out almost half the page that you had just written.

Your mind was somewhere else, you couldn't focus on your studies, but you knew you had to if you wanted to graduate.

“I'll send you my material once I'm home, okay? Everything I have. Maybe that'll help you.”

“Thank you,” the corner of your mouth raised into a small smile, “And I'm sorry I haven't called much lately.”

“Don't be sorry, I know life must be difficult, but.. well.. Jimin invited me to stay with him for a few weeks once I'm done with this semester and I accepted. To see him, but most importantly, to see my best friend again.”

“Wh..- Are you serious?!” you grabbed your phone and pulled it closer, “Don't joke around, please, I don't think I can handle it right now.”

“I wouldn't joke when it comes to this,” she giggled, “I thought it'd be good to be by your side again. I'll arrive a few days before the wedding and will stay three weeks in total. So I can help you with anything you need.”

“You are truly the best.”

“I know,” she brushed her hair back behind her shoulders, making both of you laugh, “Okay, gotta go, sweetheart. I'll text you when I'm home, alright?”

“Okay. Be safe. Love you.”

“Love you too,” and with that she ended the call and you pulled the phone to your chest, falling back into the mattress so happily at the thought of finally seeing your best friend again.

Taehyung, his mother and his siblings were all doing their best to make you feel at home here, but having her by your side would truly make you feel at ease for once.

The closer the wedding day came, the more nervous you got and the more stressed, equally.

You were now being tutored in politics, history, economy and geography, but also had to attend classes on how to act, speak, walk and dress like a princess. On top of that, you had your normal courses that you had to finish, had a wedding to plan, had to get to know your future husband and had to make sure to stay out of trouble.

To sum it up, you were close to having mental breakdowns every single night.

“What got you so happy?” Taehyung knocked and then walked in when you sat back up.

“Did you know that (Y/B/F) would visit soon? Jimin invited her and she'll be here before the wedding and will stay for three weeks!” you literally bubbled with excitement.

“Jimin invited her?” Taehyung sat down on the couch in your room, a small smile tugging on his face, “Wow.. if he invites her here he must be really serious about her.”

“Well, maybe we can convince them to marry too. We could have a double wedding,” you joked, making him chuckle.

The relationship between you and him had shifted.

You were comfortable around each other now, called each other friends already.. but because of how busy you both were, nothing more was able to blossom so far.

It had stayed at that last kiss for the cameras. Now you only held hands and hugged each other when out in public, but only so that the story you were trying to convey was being more believable and you still were in the good graces of the public.

The pressure was simply making it hard for you two to step your relationship up a notch, but you figured that being friends with him was a good first step. Everything else would hopefully happen naturally.

“How are your studies going?” he asked as he got back up to look over your shoulder, only to snort when he saw the page being an absolute mess, scribbles everywhere and it didn't seem to make any sense at all, “Not good, I see.”

“Maybe I should just quit. I mean, it's settled now that I'll become a queen eventually, I don't really need my degree, right?”

“Hey, don't say that,” Taehyung shook his head, “You've worked so hard for your education before you met me. Don't let me ruin it. I don't want that.”

“I just can't seem to focus on it right now.. there's too much other stuff going on.”

“Listen,” he sat down next to you, his hand carefully on top of yours as he wasn't sure what you were comfortable with, but when you turned it around so that he could hold it, he got his answer, “I know that this is a lot.. it would be for anyone, but you're not alone in this. I think you should focus more on this right now,” he looked at your notebook, “Let me and my family handle the wedding stuff.”

“Your father won't be happy I'm skipping his very important 'royal history' classes, though.”

“They're boring anyways, I can sum it up for you in twenty five minutes and you'd never have to have one of those classes again,” he loved making you smile. He loved your smile. Did he ever say that to you? Maybe not.. he should tell you how much he loved seeing you like this, “Let me talk to him.”

That made you beam. The thought alone of dropping one class, whether it be for your royal duties or your uni degree made it all seem so much easier all of a sudden.

“I'd appreciate it.”

“Perfect. Then I'll do that.”

There was a moment of silence between you two, you lowering your head to look at your hands until he did the same, his thumb gently brushing over your skin with a smile.

“It's hard to find moments like this,” Taehyung admitted, “I wish we could have more before the wedding..”

“Well.. we'll have plenty afterwards,” you wiggled your eyebrows, making Taehyung chuckle once more

And as if on cue, because you truly did not get a break in this palace, the door to your room got opened and his father entered without bothering to see whether or not that was even okay.

You would have expected Taehyung to jump up and away from you, but he did not. He stayed on your bed and he kept holding your hand.

After all, you were becoming his wife, so holding hands was allowed, right? “What are you doing here?” his father asked.

“I think I have more reason to be here than you do,” he retorted.

Taehyung had admitted that the relationship with his father was becoming worse by the day and you could really feel it. The atmosphere was so chilly all of a sudden.

“Never mind. I need both of you anyways. We have a situation that requires your attention.”

“A situation?” you asked, now both of you getting up from the bed and following him when he left the room wordlessly.

He was on his own, only his assistant following him like an obedient dog.

You thought he might give you a little bit more details as to what it is that was going on all of a sudden, but you got nothing out of his father and neither did Taehyung, despite him continuously asking.

You only realized what was going on when you entered a room in which two people were in.

One, Taehyung was not pleased to see at all.

“What is this?”

“Well, well, well, if it isn't my future husband,” Princess Dae, then. She got up from the couch and wanted to approach Taehyung, seemed to want to kiss his cheek, but he caught her arms in time and gently pushed her away, shaking his head.

“Stop this.”

“Princess Dae and her father are here because of a proposal,” Taehyung's father said, his hands confidently behind his back.

“I thought we were done with proposals,” Taehyung took a step back and wrapped an arm around your middle to pull you close, “We agreed on what's going to happen.” “Well.. you agreed and completely left me out,” Dae sighed heavily and plopped down next to her father, “Very rude, Taehyungie.”

The nickname coming from her made him cringe visibly.

“Taehyung, you've always been a very smart man. You've always put your kingdom first and knew what was best for your people. I know that. That is why I wanted my daughter to marry you, because I knew she and you together would be wonderful rulers,” her father started, taking a sip from his drink, before continuing, “What happened was.. unfortunate. But I can not blame you. I was a young man too, once. I wanted to experiment and see what the real world was like out there. I, however, was smart enough not to get caught while doing so.”

Taehyung snorted and shook his head, “This is ridiculous.”

“Listen to what he has to say, son.”

“Our agreement was to have half of what's ours be yours. But you see, I'm old, Taehyung. My wife is old. We want to settle down, we want to be normal and live a normal life. We want to spend the rest of our days in peace with dogs and grandchildren, not rule until an heir is old enough to take my place. So we thought, why not give you all?”

“Excuse me?” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“If you marry my daughter, my kingdom will fully be yours. Everything I own, every piece of land, every men at my disposal.. it will all be yours. Instead of splitting my kingdom with you, I'm transferring all of its power to you and your kingdom. You will have double the resources, double the men and double the power.”

Taehyung stared at him for a moment, then turned his head to his father, “Are you serious?! I'm getting married to (Y/N) in two weeks, we held a press conference and told our people, everything is decided! And you're still trying to sway me?!”

“Taehyung,” you said quietly, trying to have him calm down. Him screaming at his father, king or no king, was probably not a good idea right now.

“We need this. You know that our kingdom isn't doing as well as it once was anymore. With this, with their kingdom at our disposal, we'd be so well off economically that we or our people would never have to worry again!” the king took four large steps, then he was right in front of Taehyung, grabbing his face to make him look at him. Really look at him, “I want what's best for you. For your future. For the future of our kingdom. And this deal is the best we could ever get.”

It was a weird situation, because they were talking about marrying him off to someone else, while you were still in the room.. did anybody pay attention to you? Only Taehyung. To the rest, you were invisible.

Your betrothed pushed away his father's hands and grabbed yours to pull you out of your room.

But before you were gone, his father said: “There will be another press conference tonight, Taehyung. I trust you will do the right thing. For all of us.”

He stopped for a moment, you thinking he might say something else, but he didn't.

He just pulled you along.

You wanted to talk to him about what had just happened, wanted to discuss it, especially because you felt like he needed to vent, but you couldn't.

Because he dropped you off at your room and you could see that he was angry. More than you'd ever seen him before.

“Do you trust me?” he said out of the blue.

“I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have agreed to any of this if I didn't.”

“Then let me handle all of this. Stay in your room until my sister gets you later. Please..”

You let out a breath and gently cupped his face.

You wished he could have stayed, but he only wrapped his hands around your wrists, kissed your forehead and then pushed them away to go and do whatever it was that he felt like he had to.

And you were doing exactly what he said, not knowing at all what was going to happen next.

It's been three hours and you had really felt those hours.

You had tried to distract yourself, but nothing worked.

At this point you were just walking up and down your room, waiting for something, anything, to happen.

Until finally the door got opened and his sister walked in.

You thought she might take you somewhere, but she immediately shook her head, “Sit..”

“Oh god.. he took the deal, didn't he?”

“Just.. turn on your TV. And please sit down, I don't think you can stand.”

That worried you ten times more.

Why couldn't she just tell you what the hell was going on? Why did she now have to make it such a mystery, too?

She sat down next to you as you did what she asked, the press conference starting any second.

“This day must have been draining for you. I'm very sorry about that.”

“I just wish I would know what the hell is going on..”

“You're about to find out,” she straightened her back when her brother appeared on TV.

He was dressed in his finest suit, looked as dashing as he always did, but.. a lot more stern than usual. Tonight, Taehyung looked less like a prince and more like a king.

You gulped down hard and prepared yourself mentally for him saying that he was going to marry someone else and that this fantasy of him and you was over before it could even really start.

“This is all very last minute, so please excuse me for not having a proper speech tonight, but I think you will forgive me,” he said with a charming smile, making the press in the room chuckle. He was a natural at this, “Some of you have already published articles throughout the course of the day about the rumors of Princess Dae and I possibly getting married after all. Now, I want to make it very clear.. these are rumors.”

You let out a sigh of relief and leaned forward, burying your face in your hands.

But you didn't get a break.

You never got a break here.

His sister softly brushed her hand up and down your back until you were looking at her.

“He'd never hurt you, (Y/N),” she whispered.

“What do you mean?” you asked, your voice laced with confusion

“I mean.. he loves you too much to lose you.”

And as your eyes widened at the word love, you turned your head back to the TV, just in time to hear Taehyung say: “You have all been so kind in the support of my fiancé, the future princess and queen (Y/N). I could not be more grateful to you all. Especially in times such as this one.”

You got up on your feet, his sister trying to pull you back, but you just kept walking forward with furrowed eyebrows until you were right in front of the screen.

“I am hereby announcing that my fiancé, future princess (Y/N) and I, are expecting a child.”

Well.. when the fuck did that happen?

[theartofmusicology]

Uni is hard, especially at the top performing arts institution in Australia. it's CRAZY. There's so many things going on and you're learning songs left right and centre and you've got a niggle in your right shoulder and you think that you've forgotten your text book and you've learned the wrong vocal line... I think you've got the point. There's a lot going on. Here are the top 5 things that I've learned in my first term at uni:

Allow yourself to change - my course coordinator says this in relation to acting. Each time you make a character choice, allow your interpretation, movements and character to change. Same goes for you in your life as well. As you make different choices, allow yourself to learn from it and don't feel as if you have to be the same person afterwards. Going out when you're not a person who normally goes out on a Saturday night? Let it change you. If you decide you like dancing on a Saturday night, that's okay. Never been a morning person and want to try it? Go for it. Allow it to change you as you are. These experiences have a key word in them; learning. These are learning experiences because no one expects you to know exactly who you are from day one.

There are nice, attractive people everywhere. Learn the difference between a physical attraction, intellectual attraction and just being nice. This causes a lot of confusion and drama when people don't understand the difference. Be really clear about what you want.

The only thing holding you back is yourself - I found that when I came to uni, I would say "I can't do that" a lot. I would say "I can't belt through my passagio" or "I can't sing legit" or more recently, "I can't speak Italian". Something I'm trying to start a habit of saying instead is "yet". "I can't speak Italian yet" because I am here to learn. No one expects you to be perfect. You're there to work and learn and get better. I wish I was kidding but literally in week 1, I was performing in class and we had to sing one of our audition songs. I was singing away (as every MT does) and I got to the high belt note that I struggled with the entire year that I was working on the song and did it okay. Then my teacher distracted me by giving someone to direct my singing to. She made him walk away as if he was upset and I had to go to him and try to comfort him and I it forced me to think about the singing less and think more about the acting. In this, my voice became freer and I wasn't thinking about what my voice was doing as I got to the high note. As a result the high note just came out and it was really good. It certainly wasn't perfect but the only barrier there was me. I was in my head. That's just an example but it perfectly illustrates my point. To quote Audrey Hepburn, "nothing is impossible; the word itself says I'm possible".

Learn it early, learn it good - So many times over my amateur career, I've learnt things on the day of the rehearsal or show. I kid you not when I say I've had shows where I didn't know it until the last show (entirely different story). One of the first things that I learned was to learn things as quick as you can and as well as you can so you can concentrate on other things while singing or acting. SO many people in my course don't learn things until the day of or the day before and its shown when they've performed it. I regret to say that I have done it and I was so stressed the entire performance so I'll say it again - GO LEARN THAT THING YOU NEED TO LEARN (after reading this post). The more you learn and the more things you have to memorise, the quicker you'll get at it. Your brain is a muscle and memorising things take muscle memory. The more you learn things, the better you'll become at it.

If someone bugs you and belittles you, don't treat them any differently to how you treat everyone else - a promise that I made to myself when I moved here was that I wasn't going to treat anyone any differently because they weren't nice to me. There are people in my course and people in my dorm that aren't very nice to me at all, making snide comments and belittling me but I make the effort not to treat them any differently to how I treat the people that are nice to me. Now I'm not saying you have to be friends with everyone, because you don't. Just don't go retaliating when that person says something a bit mean to you. This only applies to a certain extent, so of course when they overstep, call them out NICELY. By reacting to every little thing, you just add fuel to the flame. If they ask if they can crash at yours before class, say yes. Try to understand that everyone has their own situation and they don't completely understand your situation either. Try to be understanding and empathetic. Also, if they genuinely don't like you, being nice to them will catch them off guard and they won't have anything mean to say to you because there's nothing for them to pick on.

~ Carolyn xo 

[captainjanegay]

hello kasia!! ok so i know at this point you’re probably sleeping? maybe? you should be at least! 😂 but earlier i promised i’d check in! i just came upstairs from “finishing” my physics homework, so i’m pretty exhausted 😅 it’s very note heavy and as someone who hates reading with every fiber of their being, it’s frustrating. pushing through, though!!

today was pretty tough, i’ll admit. i accidentally forgot to take my anxiety med last night, and it’s usually ok if i catch up in the morning, but i slept through my alarm and 1) missed breakfast, and 2) forgot my meds AGAIN. so i was both hungry, late on my anxiety meds, and i forgot my adhd med 🤦🏼‍♀️ i surprisingly made it through the day though? i had work after and it was so crazy (the people who were there earlier in the day weren’t keeping up on the orders and i ended up having to do a speed run of nearly 100 items in less than hour— i was a little late but i didn’t really care at that point lmao). partway through my shift, i started feeling the effects of my forgotten meds too because i was feeling sick. it wore off though and i’m feeling okay now!

honestly at this point i’m just really tired and i want to watch a show to relax a bit! i also think i somehow chipped the back of my front tooth while eating, so that’s been driving me crazy all day 🙄 today has just been awful so i’m hoping tomorrow goes better!

ok i’ll shut up about me now! i’m so happy you’ve been doing a bit better kasia! you deserve that, so i’m glad you’re feeling better and that your writing has been going well ☺️❤️ i hope i didn’t jinx it! i’m sending you all my love and my biggest hugs honey, i love you so much 🥺💕 i hope you have a great tuesday! (i almost just said monday realizing it is not, in fact, monday tomorrow 🤦🏼‍♀️😂)

I was sleeping! Dhjajs 😂💚 so I've woken up to seeing your name in my notifs, which is the best way to wake ;') 💚

Ugh, I hated physics at school and I was pretty bad at it. Like at most science subjects even though I do find some of them interesting, like I love reading popular science books and articles but learning it at school? Nope, thanks.

I'm sorry you've had a rough day but I'm so proud of you for making it! Even despite forgetting about your meds you've felt with everything and that's so great 💚💚 and getting so much work done even despite feeling bad! You're so incredible!

I really hope you've been able to watch some supernatural and chill and take a breather, you really deserve it! 💚 I send you all the good vibes, all of my love and affection and all the strength to deal with school and work although you have plenty of your own! 💚

Yeah, I've been awfully stressed about uni since I've skipped that other week when I was sick (I'm still only a bit better though dhsjsj) but the classes were ok and I didn't miss as much as I thought :') so obvsly I worried for nothing but that's standard for me dhjsjs and being able to write is great although I'm not a big fan of the things I write but the important part is that the writing log is working and it keeps me motivated and I can edit all the bad shit later :') which would be hard in its own way but hey, that's a problem for future me dhsjsj I've been hearing so many nice things about my writing lately it makes me think I might not suck so much dhsjsj :')

It's ok, I never remember which day it is, time is a lie anyway dhajjs Thank you so much for sending this! I really enjoy hearing about your day, your opinions and thoughts and literally anything that's on your mind! 💚 Sorry the reply took me a while! I love you so so much and I hope the rest of the week will be kind to you cause that's what you deserve! 💚💚💚

[far-off-flower-fields]

Weird Questions that say a lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Teacups!

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? Lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? We call elementary school primary school. It depended which teachers you asked, my favourites always said I was “conscientious, kind, and a pleasure to have in class”.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? Glass cups or bottles.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? I have like 4 looks, pastel, boho, and goth/witchy/grunge, also vintage-inspired which wasn’t mentioned but I love it.

7. earbuds or headphones? Depends on the shape, I love my Razr headset because it doesn’t squash my ears, and I like galaxy bud shaped earbuds, the ones with the little rubber doo-dads that fit actually in your ear. Apple or a lot of older flat earbuds cause me a lot of pain.

8. movies or tv shows? TV shows. Movies are getting longer and longer and my focus is getting shorter and shorter

9. favorite smell in the summer? Rainy days!

10. game you were best at in p.e.? The game of queue-ducking (where you go to the back of the queue to avoid your turn), or dance, or the less strength intensive parts of gymnastics. Or crying, always been great at that xD

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Muesli, or nothing.

12. name of your favorite playlist? I prefer to listen to full albums rather than playlists, but I have a few favourites on Spotify. Born to Run 150BPM, Infinite Indie Folk, Irish Folk: Jigs and Reels, All Out 80s/90s/00s. I also love scene/pop-punk playlists.

13. lanyard or key ring? Key Ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Message Hearts (or anything with that texture), the red pack of starbursts (the UK version is vegan). Does Turkish Delight count because if so then that is my fave. I also like gummies if they’re vegan.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? To Kill a Mockingbird (high school), or The Bloody Chamber (uni), or Hamlet (uni)

16. most comfortable position to sit in? One foot under me, the other foot out to the other side, but both in the same position (if the surface is flat), or knees up.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? I own a lot of shoes so there isn’t really a single pair I wear the most. Recently my Air Force 1s, I’m trying to wear them in because the previous owner didn’t so the cause blisters.

18. ideal weather? Cold, overcast, rainy, still. Or without the rain. or snow (as long as I’m not going in the car and I can go crunch my shoes in it xD

19. sleeping position? Either side, but my body is kinda rotated towards the bed so it’s like half way between on my stomach and on my side. 

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? Notebooks

21. obsession from childhood? Animals, dinosaurs, goddesses, magic, crystals, neopets, sims. I still love all of these things, I am a rotating door of obsessions, usually a bunch of the same obsessions on repeat.

22. role model? I don’t have one particular role model, I do have tons of people that I love and respect.

23. strange habits? I have so many strange habits that I have become one myself. Nothing actually stands out though because 99% of it is because of my brain.

24. favorite crystal? rose quartz or moonstone.

25. first song you remember hearing? Maybe Dancing Queen by ABBA, definitely the first I remember dancing to, but my dad loves music so I grew up with a constant stream of it.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Suffer xD when I’m able to do so comfortably I’d love to go out looking for pretty stones, and nice sticks with my fiance, also would like to go on picnics with him, or a friend if I had one.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Baking, drawing, crafts, standing in the rain. Everything.

28. five songs to describe you? 6/10 - Dodie Robert Frost - Mal Blum Caught in the Middle - Paramore Side Effects - Jade Bird Snitches Get Stitches - Onsind  Bonus track: The Seed - Aurora I wish I still had the playlist I made of songs I relate to, several of these were on it though.

29. best way to bond with you? Oversharing, or telling me about things you’re into.

30. places that you find sacred? Nature. My favourite spots are little creeks/rivers in wooded areas, but just like, all of it is special and should be treated as such. Also bedrooms.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? I think maybe I’m not gutsy or whatever enough, but also unpredictable. I wear whatever I like, and I’m just as likely to cry in all of them as I am to accidentally get in a fight.

32. top favorite vines? I feel so basic because I never really did the vine thing.  There was one that nearly killed me because I literally started to choke that was in some kind of office and the bit like can you run this past me again, and they just fucking legged it past them holding a folder up, Saw it once, never saw it again. Road work ahead. Why you can’t lift a house (might be a tok?) Brass dad and oven kid Look at this graaaaph Never learned how to read I can’t sit I have hemorrhoids The one with the people in blankets bobbing the nana nanana song Fr esh avo ca do Look at all these chickens

33. most used phrase in your phone? I love you - if I had to guess

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? right now, nothing. I often get the old Super Liquor jingle lodged in there though.

35. average time you fall asleep? 6am?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? Charlie the unicorn or that one Noodles video by Cyanide and Happiness. Are those even memes?

37. suitcase or duffel bag? Depends. I mostly use a bag though since I never go anywhere for long.

38. lemonade or tea? Tea? Usually if you ask for lemonade here you get Sprite which is not lemonade.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? I had a vegan lemon meringue pie once, so good. Cake is easier to make though, and I can eat more in one sitting without getting sick xD

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Um, the principal in my last year of school got caught for being a peeping tom a few years after I left.

41. last person you texted? My Fiance.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? Jacket pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? Depends on the rest of the outfit and the weather. I wear Jean jackets most though.

44. favorite scent for soap? I love lavender, or vanilla/candy/fruity/baked goods type scents. I still have a bottle of Sugar Fairy spray from lush from a year ago and I love the smell of that.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? Fantasy I think.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? Nekkid?

47. favorite type of cheese? As a kid it was feta. Now I only eat vegan cheese. I was never a huge cheese fan tbh.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Rotten xD um probably a cranberry or something because I’m small, and I’m not a fan of cranberry.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? An it harm none do what you will. Or treat others as you wish to be treated.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? Probably one of the vines I listed above, either “run it past” or “can’t lift a house” because both of those resulted in crying and choking.

51. current stresses? My cat has been throwing up and having diarrhoea the past week or so, she’s been to the vet, it got better for a bit, but tonight suddenly got worse. Living with my parents who I have a very toxic relationship with. Living in a single very overfilled room. Trying to not spend money so that I can save up to move next year. Nightmares about my trauma. Either the house is haunted or there’s a build up of negative energy (probably that).

52. favorite font? I always liked the look of all of the script style fonts (freestyle, french, lucida, lucida calligraphy, Edwardian, Palace) but they’re not accessible so for anything people will actually see (which is literally nothing) I always go with arial.

53. what is the current state of your hands? Slight rash on one finger because I’m sensitive to what is in a lot of hand washing products apparently (never an issue until the pandemic), one broken finger nail that is a bit shorter than the rest. Not painted nails because energy. I always wear my engagement ring, usually I wear several other rings but with how my skin is being I thought I’d better not for a while.

54. what did you learn from your first job? Bakeries are hell, my circadian rhythm will not adjust to anything besides its natural state for longer than a couple of days at a time no matter how long or hard I try. I can absolutely fall asleep standing up.

55. favorite fairy tale? Ugly Duckling

56. favorite tradition? I don’t have anyway... Yet? Hopefully when I move this can become a thing.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? I’m interpretting overcome loosely here, meaning “I have not died from this” - Suicide of my first love - Bullying - 3 different jobs that all nearly killed me

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Literally can’t think of one. I’m not talented. I’m passable at a couple of things, but I worked for those things and I’m still not good enough for anyone to confuse me for being talented xD Those things I care about that I’ve worked on a lot are singing, art, languages, crafts? I still struggled to come up with 4. My bad.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Aw jeez xD

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? Magical Girl! This is an easy one, give me the powers and the clothes yessss.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Literally sitting here drawing a blank, so instead of favourite here is the first one that came into my head “eyes are the genitals of the head” (may have that wrong, I’m watching the Office for the first time rn)

62. seven characters you relate to? Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Amelie from Amelie Matilda from Matilda Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notredame (also my favourite plush as a kid) Iris - The Holiday Jess - New Girl Amelia Shepherd - Grey’s Anatomy Struggled with this because suddenly I drew a blank and also couldn’t remember who my Fiance was talking about every time he’s watched a character and said “that’s you” repeatedly.

63. five songs that would play in your club? Starlight - Superman Lovers Pump It - Black Eyed Peas I Bet that You Look Good on the Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys All the Things She Said - tATu Doctor Jones - Aqua Bonus: Push Up - Freestylers These are ones  I have memories of dancing to when I was younger so that’s how I picked, but I’d absolutely be a themed night club with different music on different nights.

64. favorite website from your childhood? Neopets, which I still play daily. The first I played was MaMaMedia, then Bubblegum Club.

65. any permanent scars? That’s a SORE subject heh get it heh

66. favorite flower(s)? Lavender, rose, peony

67. good luck charms? I usually carry gemstones if I’m needing to be particularly lucky, or sigils.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? I hate anything spicy. I had rootbeer candy that tasted like literal dirt. I can’t eat banana stuff without gagging and getting a headache. I hate anything that is artificial blackberry or blackcurrant, tastes like shitty cough syrup.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? Sea Monkeys breathe through their feet, but I remember where I learned that.

70. left or right handed? right

71. least favorite pattern? depends entirely on the colours, I like patterns. but certain stripes do make my eyes feel funny.

72. worst subject? If PE counts, then that. If not, math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo? I love pineapple on pizza but that’s not weird. Iused to eat cheese and jam sandwiches as a kid though.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? I operate on how long it has lasted instead of how bad it is, essentially I get so desperate so I’ll try it even though it probably won’t help. I have the resistance of a rhino to most meds.

75. when did you lose your first tooth? No idea, like 4 I think? I did keep them in a weird little box for no reason though because they never got taken away from under my pillow.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? I’m a fan of a good mash if it has lots of flavour (like gravy). Otherwise, crisps or fries.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? I grew a radish once! Something cat safe though these days, also maybe something heavy, and hard to knock over?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Grocery Store sushi, if it’s just veg.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? My only ID is my passport, and it is BAD.

80. earth tones or jewel tones? Both.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? Fireflies (ten million of them to be precise)

82. pc or console? Grew up with PC. Now play my switch mostly.

83. writing or drawing? Both. Wrote more as a kid, draw more now.

84. podcasts or talk radio? Podcasts.

84. barbie or polly pocket? Both. But I prefered pollies as a kid

85. fairy tales or mythology? mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes? cupcakes

87. your greatest fear? Based on my nightmares, stairs.

88. your greatest wish? To live in a comfy house, in the country, with my Fiance, I have travelled the world, we have pets, I can function, we are free.

89. who would you put before everyone else? My Fiance and out animals.

90. luckiest mistake? Can’t think of any, most of my mistakes have been more like bad choices, also never turned out well for me.

91. boxes or bags? Depends what it’s for?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? lamps, or fairy lights. Unless I’m particularly anxious, then overheads.

93. nicknames? None.

94. favorite season? Winter

95. favorite app on your phone? LINE, it has my fiance, and animated stickers.

96. desktop background? Little Twin Stars

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? My own.

I never get asks and needed to distract myself so I’m going to just answer these anyway, like a survey or something. Original post by tr33-g1rl 

[katherinewilliams221b]

I'm going to shoot some soldifying Qs at you as well, t'was my main intention to lure you on for a reblog at least 😂 Please choose anyone you feel like, Kate or Charlie or both...1 (bc K's father gives me some kinda vibes), 4 (bc BOTH grandpas are so different, and also her parents...), 5&6 (your Charlie??), 24 (!), 32 and 35. And 41 to cap it off. I'd ask every single one of them, so sorry abt it 🙏

Aaaaaaaa okay, okay, here it is! I've been out of business for a while, taking exams and such. Uni takes all my strength away. Thank you for asking💜💜💜😍 and OF COURSE I'm going to make you participate in every ask possible 😌🤷‍♀️😍

---

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

Joseph Williams is an interesting piece; he is the youngest son of Nicholas and Aurora Williams (for another conversation). He has two siblings: Evira (stop calling her Elvira or else), the oldest, and Erick, in the middle. He was raised in a typical purist family and it’s a miracle that he didn’t turn out like his father and grandfather.

The loss of Jacob shook him to the core, but his stoic demeanour never showed it. This is something that Kate demands of him, that he could show a little more emotion or at least share his opinions. The man just talks with facts.

Another thing that truly exasperates Kate is the fact that, seemingly, he doesn’t stand up to his father. What she doesn’t know, but will learn later in her life, is that her father is the only one of the three siblings that broke a lot, if not every, rule his father had. One of them: marrying a girl with mixed blood. Nicholas is a man with a plan, probably having a member of his blood in every important position that could exist. Kate’s father probably wouldn’t have chosen a Ministry career, but at the time, he thought he didn’t have much of a choice when he found out that his father arranged it all. He insisted in dragging Jacob and Kate along, both refusing fervently and, when his father started arranging their lives, he finally put an end to the situation. This made him somewhat of an outcast, no one messes with Nicholas Williams. He is a truly terrifying man. Although aware of her grandfather’s severity, Kate didn’t know he had made plans for her and that her father was opposed to the idea.

He is hard-working, tenacious and has a way with words that help him in his job (He works at Dpt. International Magical cooperation) and that Kate also admires. She knows that you must be very careful if you talk to him, for he could be manipulative if that makes him accomplish a purpose.

Probably the most interesting thing that Kate could have learnt from him is crisis management (see #35 for more info). She does not agree with his “the end justifies the means” policy that was the cause of many arguments, but she tries to be more pragmatic and keep a cool head when a new problem arises.

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

(I felt like these were together)

Kate was homeschooled before Hogwarts. Numerous tutors with the best qualifications were selected to prepare Jacob and Kate for school.

Jacob described the process as 'unnecessarily tough and strict', not very keen to rules, Jacob used to skip classes and wander around the grounds of the house.

Both siblings were extraordinarily brilliant and it was reflected in their studies, nevertheless, little Katie showed interest in learning new things, unlike her brother. Their schooling never included anything that had to do with learning magic. They were instructed in basic math, english, french (Kate doesn't remember much of it), music, biology and introduction to what muggles would call botanics. Kate was supposed to learn piano, but they had trouble finding a good teacher that was willing to go to the house. It is a bit scary.

There were strict rules that Kate had to follow; her grandparents respective studios were forbidden as well as the kitchen and the guest area and Kate never dared to go to the basement. Her room was situated on the far end of the house and although it had a decent size it lacked personality, it was just decorated with dark colours that suited the house but not her.

The remain space for living was the grounds of the place, big enough to explore at leisure and maybe find a hidden spot to spend the afternoon. Usually the siblings were allowed to disappear for hours without a word if that meant that they didn't annoy the family or the guests.

Kate remembers her only contact with magic before Hogwarts days, happening two times a week, when she was brought to Diagon Alley to play.

Kate remembers a lonely but happy childhood. Her parents lived in the house as well, petition of her father, that wanted to protect her half blood wife, Natalia. He used all the family name power to shelter her and her parents (Natalia's mother was a muggle and at the time, Voldemort killed and tortured muggles, probably half bloods and as well as blood traitors). The name of the family was never questioned because of all the influence they had in the Ministry, but the chances of a visit to her  grandparents were limited and very controlled.

She does not blame her parents for being away all the time, or her grandparents for ignoring her. She was happy just learning, playing and exploring.

24. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

-At Hogwarts, Kate participated in the Hogwarts gobstones club and she was very much like her grandfather Bernard when he plays chess. She rarely lost a game and she was known for her lack of compassion when playing. She quit after Hogwarts and its unusual to see her play.

- At the same time, she was a member of the Duelling Club, where she excelled. Flitwick said to Harry Potter that she could be the best duellist of the century. The club dissolved to be re-founded again several years later, but she managed to be one of the leaders for a year. A picture of her hangs in the duelling room.

- Later in her life, she takes French and Spanish classes, the last accompanied by her mother. She is not very fluid with languages but after a while, she starts to enjoy the bonding moments with her mother.

- As a mediwizard, she attends multiple conferences and symposiums, she usually goes as a guest. Later she would participate more actively, giving talks about the importance of international techniques around the world, promoting communication, sharing perspectives and open-minded politics.

Regarding medicine, she founds a small association of healers in St Mungo’s, that teaches basic healing magic and procedures when facing an emergency situation to children, teenagers and also adults.

Kate claims she is not a leader, probably out of modesty or lack of confidence. However, she likes to take the initiative in her projects and she eventually learns how to make herself respected. She finds that, after all, she likes taking the lead.

-Kate and Charlie made an effort to go to dancing classes, to spend some quality time together. Being both very private creatures, they hated it. Not wanting to hurt each other’s feelings they didn’t mention anything about it and kept going to class. After a year they became very elegant, not only in their dancing, but in their stance as well. Needless to say, they are the focus of all stares in whichever event they attend to.

After some years, they would reveal and laugh about how they despised those classes, and how they prefered to dance alone at home. They do not regret it.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

Kate is a well balanced combination of all three.

If one thinks about stress because of work or studies, she doesn’t fear hard work she is very assertive with her goals.

While working for the Order, she was forced to face whoever wanted to hurt her, ad although she prefers the ‘run’ option, she knows how to stand and fight if necessary. While duelling, she prefers defense spells, which give her time to know her opponent and think of a strategy according to them.

Arguing with her can be difficult and oftentimes it ends in both parts hurt. She matures considerably in that aspect and learns that some things, even if they are true, are better left unsaid.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

Kate’s father had a lot to do with her discipline in front of failure. He feared that her grandfather’s hard education would make Kate afraid of taking the wrong direction or ever scared of making decisions Through the years he taught her how to face mistakes, work around them and accept that one can’t change the past. Easier said than done, she is only human, and from time to time she needs reassurance that she is doing the right thing. She knows that she can count on her friends to help her fix any errors and give her support when needed.

This chances the day she loses a patient for the first time, and she has to reorganize her thoughts. It was a very philosophical and exhausting day.

41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?

She knows perfectly who she is, thanks to long talks with Charlie about everything. She is not afraid to change an opinion if she realizes she is wrong. Kate’s way of living is an state of evolutiotion; she is not only hungry for academic knowledge, she likes to discover herself and others everyday. Talking with Charlie is somewhat therapeutic and she values how he is patient enough with her to participate in those deep conversations she loves to get lost into.

She is not scared to be herself because she knows that to be loved for who you are is more precious than pretending to be someone smarter, fancier or cooler.

Bill, Tonks and Charlie like to pick on her, of course without malice, because they enjoy the friendly banter that always follows.

[prorevenge]

Call Me Mean Shit AND Cheat On Your Fiancé? Here, Let Me Ruin Your Dating Life

So, first post here, kinda scared, but oh well. Also, this is kinda very long so, uh, grab your stash of candy or whatever and enjoy I guess. This also happened a few years ago so it's kinda fuzzy

First, I'll introduce you to the cast. The reason I describe their personalities and some of their looks is because it comes into play a little later. A little context is that I come from a considerably large family, with five siblings. My parents died when I was around four (or at least, I've been told), so my older brothers were my main caretakers. Mostly Lukas 'cause he had a lot of time on his hands. We are all blonde with grey/blue eyes except for my only sister, who got most of her traits from our mother.

(these are listed in order from oldest to youngest (for siblings), also, you can probably tell we're of Scandi origin so shut up any racist bastards out there)

Markus: quite tall, around 5'9, but his spiked hair adds to his height, so he really looks like he's 6'2. He is the big dummy of the family, but is still very lovable. Very loyal and it is very rare for him to betray someone. Kinda like a giant puppy or a really tall child. He's super kind and hardworking, and you can rarely see him shout, get angry, or ignore anyone. His personality is very important later

Lukas: also quite tall, around 5'9 as well, but looks hella shorter cause of Markus' goddamn hair. His most prominent feature is his eyes. This hard, cold, emotionless, and dead scary blue eyes. He could kill you with his glare if he wanted. He controls his emotions very well, and it's hard to get him to loose his temper. He's also kind of a drag queen. His personality is also very important later

Erik: on the shorter side, he acts like your insecure and awkward teen all the time. Doesn't like confrontation, and would rather spend his time studying for Uni than actually talking

Hilde: a little taller than Erik, which is embarrassing for him, brunette, hazel eyes, a slightly darker complexion. Acts like an awkward mix between Erik and Markus, her looks are important

WellInTheory: the shortest of the all ;n;, but still considerably tall compared to the average. Looks a lot like Lukas, with grey eyes instead. I have a short temper, if you know how to set it off, but otherwise, I'm pretty chill. The most important thing to note is that: I love my brothers to no end. Hell, I missed one of my Uni finals for Markus *very very very important*

EB: entitled bitch, Markus' fiancée whom I just happen to hate very, very much

Now that we've gone through introductions, let's begin, shall we?

So, here's the background information: Me, Hilde, and Erik are all in UNi. Erik in his third year while me and Hilde were in our second. Luckily, Markus and Lukas have a house so us three are staying there

Markus had come from the local bar with EB. Now, it was 3 AM at the time so none of us knew (he called a cab). In the morning, since I'm always the first to wake up to go to morning lectures, I go down for breakfast, and low and behold, there is EB, standing in the kitchen with my brothers fucking makeup on her fucking face. So naturally, I had no clue she was there and instantly panic. I grab the nearest frying pan and threaten her with it.

Me: Uhm, who the fuck are you, why do you have my brother's make up on, and why the fuck are you in our house?

EB: oh, didn't you know, you must not be very sharp then! Markus brought me home with him~ I'm EB, Markus' girlfriend~~~~~

Me: okay, that explains two questions, now answer the last

EB: what do you mean

Me: *deep inhale* I MEAN, why the fuck do you have my brother's makeup on?!

EB: it's not hissss~

Me: yes it issssssssss (me mocking her)

At this point she just ignores me and pulls her phone out of her purse, and I happen to catch a glimpse of Lukas' eyeshadow palette in it. Of course, I lunge and pull it out of her purse instead of asking for it like a normal person. EB starts shouting at me that "I stole her makeup" and that "you will pay for this!". Yea right. I just stole back something you stole originally. Just at the right time, Lukas comes down, searching for his makeup and his coffee. He notices EB and basically asks her the exact same questions, and she responds with the exact same answers. Another perfect timing, and Markus comes down. Same questions, but now:

Markus: why do you have Lukas' makeup on?

EB: oh this, this isn't his. At least, not anymore. It's not like he needs it, he's so ugly even this makeup can't cover it!~ (keep in mind my brother was constantly getting hit on by boys and girls alike, ie. he's one of the prettiest men out there (its my opinion (no I am not incest (fight me James Charles fans))))

Markus: it doesn't explain why you stole his makeup--

at this, EB cuts him off and starts throwing a fucking tantrum

EB: YOU'RE JUST SIDING WITH HIM CAUSE HE'S YOU LITTLE BOYFRIEND!!!!11!!1!!!1!1 WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME HOME I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY LOVED ME11!!!1!1!!111

*dead silence*

EB: whAT/!?!?11/!? oh so NOW you're scared--

Markus: Lukas is my brother...

Needless to say, she was embarrassed, but that did not stop her for ridiculing me

EB: well, that doesn't matter, that little girl shouldn't have reached into my bag, it's a violation of private property

And literally everyone in the room (except maybe Markus cause he's too nice for his own good) was literally like: no u, but in a mental or very quiet way.

Time passes, I get to witness Markus get harasses verbally daily by EB and as he drifts away from our little family.

Finally, the last semester of Uni arrives.

Over the course of multiple stressful weeks, EB just gets more and more annoying, and for some reason, she absolutely hates me and my sister, but mostly my sister. Why? cause she's a racist bitch that clearly doesn't understand genetics.

EB: WHY IS THAT UGLY BLACK BITCH EVEN LIVING WITH YOU?!?!

Markus: cause she's our sister--

EB: NO SHE ISN'T!!!1!11!!! SHE DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE YOU!!!111!1

Markus: well thats because--

EB: I. DON'T. CARE!1111!!!!!!! JUST GET HER OUT OF MY SIGHT1!!!11

Markus: why?

EB: CAUSE SHE'S BLACK!111!! and YOU

she turns to me, who had just come through the fucking door

EB: YOU'RE JUST A NARCISSISTIC LITTLE WHORE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING BRAIN!!!11!1!!!!

I had just come back from a particularly confusing lecture and my mind was still swimming at the new information thrown at me, and I was now being yelled at the moment I stepped through

Me: ...wha...?

It was all I could manage

EB: SEE? SEE?!?!??! SHE'S FUCKING BRAINDEAD AND USELESS!!!!! THE SLUT AND WHORE IS ONLY OUT TO GET OLDER MEN-

She's abruptly cut off as Erik, who had come down a few minutes earlier and was watching from afar, and Lukas stepped in front of me. Lukas gives his signature death glare and leads me away.

Lukas: insult us one more time and you'll be prohibited to come in contact with any of our family, you racist son of a bitch. Markus, you can follow her if you wish.

Erik: I wonder what Markus sees in you...

EB: a- wha- bu- AFAKLDAHFALHF (no really its what it sounded like)

this is surprising cause as mentioned before, Erik HATES confrontation and Lukas rarely looses his temper.

Fast forward a little, I'm hanging out with my friends at the local pub, when suddenly...

EB: AND OMGGGGGG WellInTheory IS SUCH A BITCH11!!!!1!!111!!!!!!

She continues complaining about me loudly, so naturally, I take out my phone and record the whole, goddamn thing. But I also recorded something I didn't expect.

EB, started to french kiss some guy. I don't know what this whore was thinking, but it seemed no one cared except for me. After she finished making out, she starts to complain about me and my sister loudly for another 10 mins or so before leaving.

I captured the whole thing. Markus and EB's marriage was going to happen in less than two days. You know what this means? Simple. Nuclear revenge! In the purest form, over the course of many years! :D

So I drive home as fast as I can without violating any laws, and run into our house. EB had gone home with one of those three men to do some sacrilegious acts, I would presume. I leap up the stairs and crash through Markus' door, then shove the video into his face.

...

I had to comfort him for five hours. FIVE. HOURS. He was that distraught at the video, and had either cried or hiccupped while ranting to me. Lukas, Erik, and Hilde eventually came in as well, probably to complain about the noise, only to find Markus breaking down and had to help as well.

After he had calmed down enough to form legible words, I presented my nuclear revenge plan. Everyone was in on it in some way or another, and they all loved it.

​

Fast forward, (wow there are a lot of these) and it's now the wedding day.

Markus had asked whether EB wanted him to invite his siblings, she of course, said no. But here we are, dressed in our best dresses. Erik, being the sneakiest one of all, had switched EB's wedding dress to the exact same dress me and Hilde were wearing an hour earlier. Lukas and Erik were wearing the exact same suit EB's secret boyfriend was and EB's father were wearing. When EB sees us, she goes fucking insane.

EB: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?! I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME

Lukas: Really now...? We got invitations~ Signed by you at that

EB: WHAT?! SHOW THEM TO ME

Lukas hands over four invitations that indeed, has her signature on them. She became furious, and of course, started dumping all the blame on me and Hilde. I could clearly tell that my brothers were livid. They however, kept it all in as they waited for the plan to unfold further.

We could tell people were staring at EB, me, and Hilde because of the dresses. We had specifically chosen dresses that better suited me and Hilde's body types, and looked absolutely horrendous on EB. Some brighter people were starting to laugh as they figured out the plan to destroy the wedding. It's time for wedding vows. As request from the four of us, the officiant asked for EB's vow first.

Officiant: do you take Markus as your husband?

EB: yES~~~~

Here, is where shit went down

Officiant: Markus, do you take EB as your wife?

Markus: do I? Well, considering she hates the rest of my living family enough to deny them any access to my wedding, and considering she cheated on me with some random guy... what do you think?

Lukas: considering the points you just listed, I'd say no to this marriage. She always smelt bad, and she would always take forever in the shower anyways...

Erik: agreed. and besides, what whore french kisses a random guy in the public? and you call WellInTheory a slut... Also, the fact you denied wearing and stealing Lukas' makeup... just...

Hilde: take that you racist bitch. I hope whatever's left of your clearly broken family sobers up and disowns you forever. I hope to see you on the streets!!

Me: so I'm the slut, "just out there to get older men", eh? yea, I think not. I mean look at you! You even copied our dress! how shameful. And the fact that your secret boyfriend is here as well, wearing the same suit as my brothers... shame...

EB just stood there, with her mouth easily catching three of four flies per minute

Markus: I think... nah. I'll not marry you. My family's right, you are a disgusting bitch. Now, where's the cake?

The rest of the wedding was spent laughing at, ridiculing, or completely avoiding EB, and a cake fight happened. EB was crying over how "I THOUGHT YOU WERE LOYAL TO ME MARKUS AAAAAAAAGHHHH" or something like that, and every time she tried to rekindle their relationship, Markus would either laugh at her, throw a scalding comment at her, act like she was the black plague, or just flat out ignore her. Remember when I said Markus' personality would be important later? Yea, this was why.

​

I also stalked her on IG, Facebook, etc. Anytime she got another boyfriend, I sent the video to said boyfriend and warned them and also suggested them to check her phone. They always broke up a day later.

​

I've mostly gotten over it now, but still occasionally destroy some relationships just to remind her. After all, you mess with my brothers? I ruin your life. Mutual, I think.

(source) story by (/u/WellInTheory)

[artificialqueens]

From Under Liquid Glass (1)(Branjie)- Ortega

a/n: in the words of Malcolm Tucker, i’m on turbo! i’m sorry to disappoint u all and say that no, this is not part 3 to Your Move, although the good news is that a) re-reading it when i had to resubmit gave me all the feels and made me fall in love with the universe all over again and b) i finish work for 6 weeks so so soon, so i’ll soon have lots of time to get a part 3 constructed. yay! in the meantime, please enjoy this. as always…of course it’s a lesbian au. what else would u expect from me. it’s a completely self-indulgent almost-autobiographical thing that i began a while ago and i never submitted, so if people enjoy it then i’ll write some more. lots of love, bye!

p.s. the pin number line is stolen from a film. i think it’s called Employee of the Month. i watched it so long ago that i cannot remember.

p.p.s. i promise i’ll make my author’s notes short one day

Trigger Warning: lots of discussion around anxiety so avoid if u don’t want to face that

Summary: Brooke Lynn Hytes was always told she’d have it all. She was never told that “all” would include crippling anxiety. Signed off from work at 27, Brooke moves back to her childhood home and has to get her head around her fall from grace.

Vanessa “Vanjie” Mateo has no job, no degree, and -£32.65 to her name, but she prides herself on keeping a level head. That all changes when a certain high school crush moves back into town and back into her life.

***

“Brooke?”

Brooke’s eyes sharply darted up to her colleague, her friend, and the only person she could trust in this godforsaken hellscape of a workplace. She felt like a small, trapped animal.

Nina’s eyes were kind, but worried. “Should you even be here today?”

Brooke blinked one, twice, three times. In an effort to keep her breathing steady she took a big gulp of air, which was restricted somewhat by the pressure on her ribcage. Was she about to have a panic attack? No, she could reign it in. She wished she could stop crying, though, the tears falling in a steady stream from her eyes which hadn’t stopped since Nina had entered the dance studio and asked her how she was. It wasn’t a secret that Brooke was having a tough time of it at work- the pressure of a chaotic management to get as many children as possible into the most prestigious dance schools in the country was tearing her mental health apart, but she’d always been able to cope with tough things, been able to push on and get through it. Although now, it was looking increasingly difficult.

Remembering Nina’s question, Brooke looked up at her. She tried to push a smile onto her mouth as she shook her head, more tears rolling down her cheeks in the process. Brooke almost wanted to laugh. She must have looked horrifying.

“Oh, baby. It’s okay. I think you just need some time away,” Nina sighed, putting a comforting hand on Brooke’s arm and letting it rest there. Brooke’s heart broke when she realised that Nina’s own eyes were tearful. “God, this is all my fault. I shouldn’t have asked you how you were, it’s just made things worse-”

“Nina, the wind blows and I cry,” Brooke deadpanned, rolling her eyes at herself and causing her friend to laugh. She took a deep breath. “But no. Yeah. I…can’t be here just now.”

Nina nodded. “Do you want me to go and tell Michelle?”

Brooke exhaled loudly. She didn’t want to have to actively seek out her head of department in the state she was currently in. She thought about it for roughly three seconds, but in that time about fifty thoughts managed to run through her head like the end credits of a film played at double speed. “Yes please.”

Nina said some other vaguely comforting things. Brooke couldn’t process them. Her mind was replaying the scene from only four days ago over and over in her head- she had been at the doctor’s, sitting all scrunched up in the chair in front of her.

“I would really like to sign you off, because it’s your work that’s causing you stress. But if you’d rather give it a couple of weeks to see how you feel and make another appointment then we can definitely do that.”

Brooke wanted to laugh at the memory. Even in the fucking doctor’s surgery, a shell of her former self, in a literal appointment she’d made to try and repair her fractured mind, she had still been too afraid to say the words- yes, do it, sign me off- as that would have meant it really was completely over. Instead, she was here at work, hands shaking, mouth bone dry, and she was still typing at her computer in an attempt to get her reports finished.

Eventually, Michelle appeared. They spoke, and Brooke still hadn’t been able to stop her tears falling. Michelle had been supportive if not sympathetic, and Brooke had apologised for causing them all inconvenience once, twice, three times. Eventually, Michelle told her to phone her doctor and go home, and took her into her office to make the necessary calls. Brooke had taken some deep, shuddery breaths that felt as if she was trapped under ice.

She hit call seven consecutive times before there was any answer.

“Hey, Mum. Um. Can you come and pick me up from work?”

***

It was sort of entirely ridiculous, the fact that Brooke had reached the age of twenty seven and had never learnt to drive, but the moment that she saw her Mum’s white, midge-splattered family car roll up outside reception she had never been so glad of having not had a license. It had taken roughly 45 minutes for her to reach the school that Brooke taught in, and on the drive back to her house Brooke listened to her chatting away about how she’d had to take her cat to the vet’s for his injections that morning so she’d had to drop him off back home before she could come for Brooke. Brooke had been worried about phoning her Mum, and she knew she worried about her, but she reasoned that she was probably just glad Brooke was coming to be at home with her.

Brooke had thought about going back to her own flat and resting up there, but she knew all she had waiting for her there were some slightly withered potted plants. She needed to spend at least a day back home with her parents, be treated as if she was back in high school all over again. As pathetic as it sounded, she just needed looked after.

As the cars sped by on the motorway, Brooke looked at her reflection in the wing mirror, running her fingers through her hair and noticing her dark roots coming through in dismay. Brooke had always had a long, thick head of platinum hair, but various escapades in highlights and lowlights over the years had cause roots to begin to appear every so often. She’d always been organised enough to get it sorted before it ever got too bad, however as she looked at herself now she realised she must have slipped up. She noticed her Mum looking over at her from her position behind the wheel.

“I’ll treat you to a haircut while you’re off,” she said quietly, her tone cheerful and making Brooke’s heart hurt more. “And we can make a nice dinner tonight. How does fajitas sound?”

“If you’re nice to me I’ll cry,” Brooke said dryly, sighing deeply and sinking further down into her seat. She saw the sides of her Mum’s mouth jerk up quickly into a suppressed smile, the corners of her eyes crinkle and deepening her crows’ feet.

“I think there’s some bubble bath in the bathroom cupboard, and I’ve still got some of that Liz Earle face mask your Dad got me at Christmas. You can get a nice relax when we get home.”

“You are queen of serotonin,” Brooke gave a small smile, rubbing at her tired eyes.

It was hard feeling like she’d let people down. She’d forever been seen as a success in her family- the hard-working, quiet, well-behaved little girl, the head girl of her high school with straight As, a solo seal ballet dancer with an offer from Cambridge and eventually a First Class Honours degree in Education. A well-respected dance teacher at the last school she’d worked at, with staff who all loved her and children who respected her. The move to her current school should have been a great development opportunity- a private, fee-paying secondary school well-known for its excellence in the expressive arts. Instead all that had come with it was pressure, scrutiny, and absolutely zero support from any member of management. It was hard for Brooke to admit she was struggling, and it was even harder to accept that she’d lost her battle with work- she was going home. She wouldn’t be returning for weeks. She knew that several of the girls she taught had exams coming up in the near future, and her competition group had finals in a month. The thought of all of this made her stomach sink and her heart thud deeply, fight-or-flight impulse kicking in although instead of telling her to run away, it was telling her to run back. But she couldn’t of course- she was trapped in her Mum’s car rolling down the motorway back to the house she grew up in, back to the town she grew up in, and back to mundanity and quiet.        

Eventually, Brooke arrived home. She shuffled, numb and dazed, through the doorway, being brought back to earth with a bump by her family pet Henry, still a little tired from his vaccines and rubbing against her legs. She tuned in and out as she listened to her Mum explain that she’d have to go back to work until the evening (despite being sixty-eight, her Mum insisted she would never be able to retire) so Brooke had to be in the house on her own for a while. She had looked worriedly at her as she broke the news, as if Brooke had been about to break down sobbing, but she was strangely comforted in the fact that it would just be her and the cat and her house full of memories. It would be like spending time with an old friend.

So once her Mum left for work, Brooke tried to push her own work out of her mind. She took a long, hot bath and then found some cosy sweatpants and a huge black hoodie in one of the closets in her old bedroom, mixed up with old clothes she’d brought back from uni before she’d started her first job. It was funny to be back in her little pink-painted microcosm that she’d spent so many years in, really where she first began her struggle with anxiety. Brooke frowned at herself as she thought. She shouldn’t use the word struggle- she should use the word relationship, or battle, or coping, but if the very fact that she was back living with her Mum after a complete work-related mental breakdown didn’t indicate a fucking struggle, then what did?

Brooke then knelt down on her old white carpet and opened her wardrobe, the bottom of which contained a bunch of sentimental items that she had never gotten round to throwing away- old programmes from dance shows, certificates from exams, photos, her old high school yearbook. Opening it, she found the photos from her leavers’ prom and her eyes fell on one of her and her friends all standing lined up on Brooke’s staircase. She smiled as she remembered her girlfriends- Plastique, who she hadn’t spoken to in months, now working as an air hostess for Emirates. Yvie, who had moved to New York and was touring with some acrobatics company- she exchanged the odd half-arsed catchup Facebook messenger message with her now and again. Scarlet, who she’d fallen out with before uni over some childish thing- she couldn’t remember what, but they hadn’t spoken since. Bianca, who only lived then next town over but could never make their schedules match up for a coffee, so busy was she with her job at a fashion editorial. Detox, who she’d fallen out of contact with. It was so fucking sad. Everybody else seemed to have a little group of school friends they still spoke to, at least if she went by what instagram showed. Looking at the photo, Brooke felt a million miles away from the girl with her hair swept up in a bun wearing a blue satin ballgown, and she couldn’t quite believe it had once been her.

Pushing the yearbook to one side, she finally found what she was looking for- some mindfulness colouring-in book her Mum had once bought her for Christmas full of different patterns. At the time, Brooke had wanted to make some comment about how it was cheaper than therapy, and the memory made her snort an ironic laugh. She sat gently on her old bed, all freshly made up with white sheets and pillowslips although still with its old mattress that sagged in the middle. She coloured for an hour or so, and then decided to listen to some relaxation tape she’d found through an anti-anxiety app she’d once downloaded in a vain attempt at self-care. It was hard to switch off. Every time she finally felt as if her mind was clear, some thought from work would hit her out of nowhere with a start, like a car crashing into her. So it was a welcome relief when she eventually drifted off into a nap, her mind finally at peace from its self-inflicted torture.

Brooke woke to find it was still light outside, her Mum perched gently on the edge of the bed and her eyes crinkled up in a smile.

“Good sleep?” she asked, her voice quiet. Brooke stretched in response. “I need to take a walk to the shop to grab stuff to make fajitas. You want to come with me?”

Every fibre of Brooke’s being wanted to stay curled up in the bed, but she found herself saying yes.

That was how twenty minutes later she found herself staring with glazed eyes at a crate full of red onions, as her Mum tried to find the one that was the least bashed. Brooke took a deep breath and tried not to grow irritated with her as she watched her pick up and put down onion after onion.

“Mum, you’re not quality control. Just get one in there,” she said weakly, reaching over herself and putting one in the shopping basket her Mum had slung over her arm. As they traipsed the aisles, Brooke found her heart hammering in her chest as she realised- here she was in her home town, wearing black baggy sweatpants and a black shapeless hoodie, Birkenstocks on her feet, with black roots poking out through her hair. She was a complete sight, but her saving grace was that most of the people she’d known from school had moved out, and that it was a relatively big town. She wasn’t really likely to bump into anyone she knew. At least, that’s what the logical part of her brain told her. The part captained by anxiety had convinced herself that the supermarket was a front and that the aisles were all about to peel away to reveal her standing on stage as part of Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway in front of an audience of millions.

Eventually, they had completed their circuit of the shop and Brooke was helping load everything onto the conveyor belt when her Mum suddenly gave a small cry. “Shit! I need cat food.”

“I’ll get it,” Brooke said, trying her best not to sound downtrodden as she strode slowly away from the checkout desks. On the rare occasions she’d spoken today she’d either been on the brink of tears or she’d given her best impression of Eeyore on beta blockers, and it was a million miles away from the voice she knew she was able to speak with. It frustrated her.

Reaching the pet food aisle a couple of metres away, she marvelled at the astronomical price of ground up pieces of animals that humans didn’t want in sauce, picked up four little gold foil trays and was about to turn around when the unthinkable happened.

She heard her name.

At least, she thought she had. It sounded as if it was being said in a girls’ voice, perhaps her age or slightly younger. Either way, that wasn’t good news. Frozen in place, she decided to turn back to the tills when the voice stopped her again. This time, it was clearer, distinctive, and it hit her like a ton of bricks.

“Brooke Lynn?”

Brooke slowly turned around, trying to mask the confusion on her face when she locked eyes with the girl who had spoken her name. She was small, with tanned caramel skin, dark hair and perfect makeup, and Brooke didn’t recognise her at all. What she did recognise, however, was the voice.

The girl took a couple more steps towards her, putting down her bags full of stuff from other shops and giving an awkward wave. “Hey! It is Brooke Lynn, right? Shit, sorry, you just really look like a girl I knew in high school-”

“No, yeah, it’s me…” Brooke began, then trailed off, embarrassed because she looked exactly like someone that was failing at life and because she still had no idea who the fuck this girl was. “Um sorry, this is embarrassing, I actually don’t remember you.”

To her credit, the girl gave a blush and a loud laugh. “Aw no, shit, no, of course you don’t. I mean, why would you, right? I’m Vanjie, remember? We went to the same high school? When you were in sixth form you helped out with the Year 7 dance club? I went to that.”

A brief flash of memory shattered through Brooke’s already very crowded mind- Vanessa Mateo, a small, slightly chubby girl with braces and a big attitude, who answered her dance teacher, her friends and Brooke back, who had a lot of potential and a fiery temper. Brooke did remember her. She was very different to the girl in front of her just now.

“Oh, God, yeah, no, I remember you,” Brooke stammered out, trying and failing to cover up her disbelief. “No, yeah, shit. I didn’t recognise you at all, you look so different!”

“How so?” Vanessa raised an eyebrow, as if she was daring Brooke to start digging.

“Well, um, obviously everyone looks so different back in high school. You got the braces off, obviously. And you lost weight, right? You look so good. Not that you were needing to lose weight, I mean you were what, fourteen? And there’s nothing wrong with being bigger, obviously. I’m not saying you were big at any point, just-”

“Jesus, are you havin’ a stroke?” Vanessa suddenly let out a peal of laughter, her eyes at once mocking but kind. It was a funny gaze to be regarded under, but not an altogether unpleasant one. Brooke found herself letting out the first genuine laugh she’d omitted in days. “Girl, it’s fine. I was ugly. We all were in high school. Except you. You always looked fine.”

Brooke gave a humourless laugh, gesturing down at her clothes. “‘Looked’ being the operative word. I usually don’t go out like this, honestly.”

Vanessa gave her a once-over with her eyes and shrugged. “You don’t look so bad. Could wear a bin bag and your face’d still look the same.”

Brooke felt a sting of blush prick at her cheeks, not used to being flattered. Vanessa frowned, clearly sensing Brooke’s embarrassment and quickly changing the subject.

“So what brings you back here? I know you didn’t stay when you left high school. What’re you up to now?”

“Oh, uh,” Brooke felt her heart tightening. It would be so easy to lie- it’s not like she’d ever see this girl again after their chance meeting in a supermarket cat food aisle- but if she was being honest, Brooke didn’t even have the energy to come up with a simple lie. So she felt herself jumping straight into deep, freezing cold conversational waters, and her heart froze up as she spoke. “I’m just back home for a visit. I actually got signed off work today. So. Yeah. I was a dance teacher at one of the private schools through in the city. I mean, I guess I still am, I’ll have to go back at some point. But, yeah. That’s where I’ve ended up. I bet that’s the glamorous life you would have expected the head girl to end up living when you were sat in assembly all those years ago.”

Vanessa gave a sympathetic smile. “Damn, that sucks. I’m sorry. Still, it’s good you’re taking time out and being open about it and stuff.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go around telling every fucker all my problems. You just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Here’s all my emotional baggage. Hope you enjoy it.”

Vanessa’s face lit up as she laughed again, and Brooke felt something in her heart warm up. Maybe it was because Vanessa’s reaction had been so blissfully unremarkable, as if Brooke had told her it was going to rain tomorrow. Maybe it was the way they were talking like old friends, despite the fact that Brooke’s only claim to knowing this girl was through teaching at a dance club she went to twice a week ten years ago. Brooke often forgot, however, that she’d always been under the spotlight being head girl in sixth form. The year sevens, straight out of primary school, had all looked up to her, and that was exactly the year group Vanessa had been in. It felt weird seeing her as an adult, quickly working out in her head that she had to be twenty-something by now.

“So, uh. What did you end up doing yourself? Do you still dance?”

“Dance? God, no, I can barely even walk in a straight line these days. Uh, no, I do nothing. I’m professionally unemployed at the minute,” Vanessa’s foghorn voice grew quieter, rubbing her neck as she spoke. “I apply for jobs, they reject me because I have no experience and no A Levels, the cycle begins again. It’s a great job. I’m lovin’ life.”

Brooke smiled at her and shook her head. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. Job hunting is a full-time job in itself, you need to be kind to yourself about it.”

Vanessa smiled shyly as Brooke spoke, which made a little bubble inside Brooke pop. She’d so rarely seen Vanessa smile before, since most things she’d said to her in dance club had been met with a defiant scowl or a frown. She looked nice when she smiled.

Brooke was suddenly pulled out of her thoughts by her Mum shouting over from the till. “Brooke! What’s my pin number?”

“5280, Mum. Now we’ve gotta change it again,” Brooke shouted back, delighting as she turned back round and saw Vanessa laughing at the exchange. Brooke realised she was still holding the cat food. “Well, I’d better go before my Mum gets frauded. But it was nice seeing you, Vanjie.”

“You too, Brooke Lynn. Take care, okay? Hey,” she said suddenly, reaching into her shopping bag and holding out a bouquet of pink lilies. "Here. I bought them to brighten my flat up, but I think you need ‘em more than me.”

Brooke blushed in spite of herself, and she watched as Vanessa smiled shyly back at her. “Oh. Thank you, that’s sweet.”

Brooke could’ve sworn Vanessa blushed back at her as she shrugged. “Well. I’ll maybe see you around.”

“Yeah, see you,” Brooke stuttered out, as Vanessa picked up her shopping bags and passed by her with a little wave. Dazed and confused, almost as if she’d felt something land on her but couldn’t feel what it was, she made her way back to her Mum and handed over the cat food to the girl at the till wordlessly. Her Mum raised an eyebrow.

“Ooh, who was that? A gorgeous girl giving you flowers?”

Brooke rolled her eyes. “Mum that’s not…no. It was a girl from high school, we were just catching up.”

“Oh, yes, of course. I know I always give flowers to whoever I catch up with from high school,” her Mum said dryly, avoiding Brooke’s eyes as she packed up her bags. “Come on, then. These fajitas won’t cook themselves!”

Brooke nodded and absent-mindedly sniffed the flowers in her arms, a smile forming on her face that she wasn’t aware of until it was firmly planted there.

[thepandemicinterviews]

Mikki, July 11 2020, Melbourne

During the course of my interview with Mikki, I realised eight minutes too late that half of what had been said so far had not recorded. This lost section illustrates for me two things: 1) the fallibility of technology, and 2) the irrecoverable nature of speech. Thinking about the former, I consider phone calls that cut in and out, one friend lagging behind the others. For a short while, whenever Mikki and I called, only one person could be heard at a time, so I had to make sure not to “mm” in response or I’d risk cutting her off. This meant monologuing and not interrupting, something akin to the interview form.

I’ve always been attracted to the interview. I think teenage magazines, which I read religiously (often standing in the supermarket aisle with the magazines and stationery and greeting cards), were the first indicator of this love. A decade later, recently, I reflected on the unique beauty of speech in written form in Rachel Cusk’s “Outline” trilogy, which are written almost entirely through her characters’ monologue-style speech. I then read her interview in the Paris Review, in which she says the following:

I suppose I recognised that certain worlds could be almost prepared for me by other people, that other people had abilities to perceive their experiences in ways that I found really useful. That sounds a bit like I got other people to do the work for me, but I just thought, Actually you can just use that particular narrative gift for narrative form in speech. […] I think what I was looking for in writing these books was almost a sound frequency. I think I’m very aware when these passages of life occur—when people are able to give voice to themselves. One of the things that is said about these books is, People don’t talk like that. But I think they probably do. Maybe not all the time, but I think they do. The people that I tend to have speaking in my books have a momentary emergence, like someone getting out of the sea and standing on a rock for a minute and sort of looking around, and for whatever reason they can see where they are.

Like Cusk, I wish to glean from others’ experiences, to pay attention to them, and in doing so, give rise to that “momentary emergence.” Interviews allow speech to be consecrated. One can give voice to oneself, then see spoken words turned into black text. The transcriber imagines commas and full stops, moulding the chaos of speech into tidy sentences. The speech is exalted.

Perhaps what makes an interview so daunting, and so singular in its form, is its promise of structured spontaneity. More structured than a conversation, less structured than a piece of writing. Inside it, operating within a space of pure question and response, subjective experience can resound and stand alone.

I wanted to begin this project with Mikki because she is, in every way, brilliant, but also because she has had to experience Covid-19 after moving to Melbourne in February, away from family and friends. Basically, very alone (alone being almost synonymous with the experience of the virus). Now, as cases in Melbourne continue to rise again, she’s moved into a new house, and has entered week one of their six-week lockdown. We discuss existential versus tangible stresses, our displaced visual landscapes, and the limitations of empathy within collective – and yet, so individual – suffering.

C: Mikki, you found out that you tested negative for Covid today. How did you feel when you saw that text?

M: I was really sleepy because it came through before six in the morning and so I felt slightly relieved but also just felt very silly for having worried so much. But also felt very justified for having worried. Then just thought about all the possible timelines and the things that could have happened. So it was overwhelming but in a nice way.

C: When you say the possible timelines, what would have happened if you had tested positive?

M: It would have changed the way this month plays out. So I was working out how it would change my housemates’ plans for moving today, and then how it would then affect all the things that need to happen in the next few weeks. It would mean that I would need to isolate here, so I would need to do my assignment here and wouldn’t be able to leave to my new place, and just change the whole future of July 2020 for me personally.

C: I felt that way when it was March and I felt like every decision I made was contingent on every other thing that happened which was often not in my control. Do you feel like this week has been the most intense week during this period in terms of personal stresses?

M: I think so. It’s been the most actively intense week I guess. Like I felt stressed about tangible real things that maybe didn’t necessarily require the level of stress I was experiencing but still were very real and very scary in practical ways. Whereas, the stress and intensity I felt in March and April was much more existential and about my emotions, I guess, for different reasons. Whereas this felt so tied to real, terrifyingly tangible stresses.

C: When you say that it felt existential back in March, can you elaborate on that?

M: I’m never a hundred percent sure if I’m using the word properly [laughs]. But I think I just felt very aware of literally living and existing and how I was experiencing being alive and all the ways that I could feel throughout a day, or a week, or a month. I was just so aware of every tiny experience and so obviously questioned every aspect of my experiences, I guess. Partly because I had all this time to do that and was so intensely alone that I was forced to do that. This time felt really different to that because things don’t feel as abstract.

C: And with all that time alone, other than thinking, how did you pass that time?

M: I watched so many music videos. I discovered that I can just lie down and watch music videos with my headphones on and feel so much. What else did I do… I called people a lot and I went on walks and for brief periods I’d read and watch movies and feel really good about that. Obviously write my essays, but really slowly. And started drinking tea so, so frequently throughout each day. And I guess just made a lot of plans, just solidified ideas – I guess that kind of comes under thinking. But just, I guess, restructured how I think. It felt like I could just intensely feel an emotion and embrace that feeling and work out which other senses I could use to further feel that feeling and ride it out and just experience it fully. And that was like an activity, and a thing that I could be doing in a way that it never has been before.

C: It sounds very therapeutic. A mindfulness guru we have in our midst. Daphne’s volunteering for this mindfulness group at the moment where they just slowly eat raisins. I guess just having the lack of external influence to allow you this space to drink tea and watch your music videos. Do you think that’s something you’ll hold with you when you do get busier – that experience?

M: Yeah, absolutely. I feel like the only other time I’d understood that was the one week at the end of January when I smoked weed each night and just enjoyed feeling really good in all these ways. But that was so short-lived and so brief, and I feel like I’ve extended that now, but without needing any kind of substance, just fully enjoying being comfortable…

C: So this new lockdown – six weeks – having that set timeframe. How do you feel about that and is there anything you hope to achieve in the second lockdown?

M: Yeah, it definitely is quite a set time. I was talking about that just earlier today, about how that’s different psychologically to being told that something’s happening indefinitely and that would change how you think about it. I am kind of seeing it as a second chance in a way, like Lockdown: Take 2 [laughs]. Like a time to do all the things that you hoped to do the first time round, but obviously were never going to accomplish. This feels like the chance to do that. So part of me does want to end up becoming a runner by the end of it, or someone who does yoga all the time. But I also just hope that I’m someone who’s a bit more solidly in the real world by the end of it. And feel a bit more able to engage with the external world more comfortably and feel like a real person who exists in a tangible world that’s external to me and my own mind. Because I think at the start of it, so the next few weeks, I definitely will keep being very gentle with myself and move with whatever mood or feeling needs to happen and just try to ride out the next few weeks, I guess. And still try to achieve the things I have to do but without any real world pressures because it doesn’t feel like I’m back in the real world yet. I think I do hope by the end of the six weeks I am a bit more solidly in the world and able to interact with people without feeling like it’s all a bit imaginary. And be ready to be doing uni subjects a bit more seriously, and start looking for a job, and be a bit more down-to-earth, be solidly on the ground kind of vibe.

C: Do you feel like it gives you a bit more time to realise what you want before feeling fully settled? Do you feel like it’s kind of a good thing for where you’re at to have this extra time?

M: Yeah, I think it is. It feels a bit sad to have started to have these nice things, like seeing people occasionally and being able to relax a bit, not feeling that stress. It was nice just feeling like life was picking up in that way. But I think for me, still kind of feeling like I am quite alone, and I do want to take all this learning and growth, becoming different and new in all these ways out of this time I have, where I am forced to be alone. In that sense I think it does feel like a nice bit of extra room to do that comfortably.

C: You mentioned moodboards before, when I think it wasn’t recording. What images come to mind when you think of this year? Not January, of course, because that was a very different time.

M: This is super obvious and has been the case for nearly everyone I love, but the sky at dusk has been a really clear daily chance to really feel something. Something that changes all the time. I think just striking visuals in general have been something I’ve been able to appreciate more. It’s as though colours and images or videos of people in really good or interesting outfits carry so much more weight and power in a way. I feel like I can appreciate them so much more. So those are some of the images that I’ve been much more struck by than usual, I guess. I feel like the things I look at in real life are so limited, you know, like I just look out the same few windows, and walk the same couple of parks, and go to the same shops. But then at the same time, the things I’m looking at online are so much more varied and diverse and I’m giving them so much more attention and time that it feels like they’re all more powerful. Oh, and also just my big blue jumper has become such a staple and all my bed sheets and pillows are different shades of blue, but the jumper just typifies that soft, comfy, homey – soft colours, but also warm soft cosy overall sensation. I think it represents that all in itself.

C: It does. So you’ve learnt a lot about yourself of course, but do you feel like you’ve learnt a lot about other people, people in general, specific people?

M: Hmm. I don’t know if I’ve really learnt about other people. I think I’ve seen more of certain parts of different people I know, because our relationships are obviously really different, and it brings out new dynamics and certain aspects of everyone’s personalities are amplified in different ways.

C: In terms of different opinions towards the whole situation or?

M: In terms of how people think and feel. I guess because I’m in a new place, it’s kind of been a really specific way of highlighting how different people think and act. There’s just been such clear divides between people who are partying recently and out in bars and stuff, and people who are following the rules because they’re the laws but aren’t necessarily super invested in the reality of the health crisis and your responsibilities in your communities and so on. And then the people who are most disadvantaged by this and are just in such a completely different world to the people who are out dancing, happy they can do that. So it’s kind of been really stark seeing those differences play out, and mainly through my phone or laptop as well, like not in person. I guess also seeing people respond to stuff, like with the public housing hard lockdown, seeing people really quickly working out ways to donate stuff and help with various things. I think that kind of brought out people’s opinions especially starkly. In so many ways. Obviously, seeing the government’s responses has also been super informative, and feels like it all lines up with the last essay I did, which was all about incarceration in Victoria and how indigenous women are disproportionately affected. And seeing that conflict between a fairly progressive government in a lot of ways, but then a really harsh, tough crime, law-and-order focused, criminal justice agenda. And that’s come out really clearly again recently.

C: Like you can’t be both.

M: Yeah, well it just kind of feels really extreme how it somehow goes so hand-in-hand in this state.

C: I think at the beginning of everything, just speaking on a very vague global level, I thought everyone is kind of going through the same thing worldwide. You never get to experience that level of – like I could talk to anyone in the world and say, “How’s it affecting you?”, “Same.” But then I think as the months progressed and different countries went different directions. And on a local level, different types of people had different experiences and it reinforced existing hierarchies.

M: Totally. It was such a shift from we’re all in this together to realising that just couldn’t be further from the truth, basically. And how false it was.

C: Yeah, and all the blaming of people and outrage. I think in particular, in Australia and New Zealand, it’s been a big part of the conversation around outbreaks. Blaming people for not being perfect and not having the empathy to understand why someone might be more likely to pass it on due to living conditions or just personal situations.

M: It’s been so extreme seeing that play out. Especially with the recent Victorian spike, I feel like the discourse has become so much more about blaming people who are doing the wrong thing. Even where government policy failures are also a huge part of that story as well. Yeah, it’s so interesting in terms of empathy, actually. It’s kind of helped people develop empathy in some ways, in terms of unemployment for some people and what that’s like, or what poverty is like, or social isolation or being lonely or being anxious or not having access to the same food or resources. But then also seeing how limited that empathy is in other ways. That’s such a strange conflict I think.

[badwritinghabits]

money money ombey ombey

this year has been my worst year financially. its my first year of uni, i spent all of my savings on catered accomodation, wasnt able to get a job, had to get out more loan than i wanted, and really nearly didnt have a job over summer. BUT i applied for work at an old place a couple weeks back, got a call two weeks ago, then today got an email confirming i have a job! i’m so goddamn happy! this means 1) i can pay off my immediate dept, 2) i can maybe see about get a job transfer up to the city i live in for next year after summer, 3) i can save up and pay my bond and rent next year, and 4) i can relax!

Money has been a MAJOR source of stress for me over the year, literally the only thing i think about, the only thing that makes me cry. Nothing, not schoolwork, not gender, not friends, not loneliness, not homesickness NOTHING except money. Money money money money moneymoneymoneyombeyombeyombeyin I hate money. hate it. but i need it. it’s going to be so nice. I hope i have a job next year as well! it would mean i could replace my old or cheap technology, i could treat myself, i could save. ugh, money.

[simplerstudying]

4 things I learned when applying for college

So for reference, I only applied to two (2) schools because I did early decision and early application and was lucky enough to get in to my top choice which was NYU. I also got into UMassAmherst which was the other school I applied to. I sort of fumbled my way through the whole USA college application process completely on my own because I go to school in England and my school knows fuck all about American applications. I also just applied this year (2018) so my experience is recent af - I’ll be starting my freshman year of college Fall 2019.

This is just a lil preface/disclaimer so you guys know that this is only from my personal experience and this is not an extensive list of things that can be helpful. 

There are so many lists like this in the studyblr community so please! Look at a variety of them because everyone’s experience is different but still equally valid. I found these lists so helpful when I was applying and I thought that now I’ve done it myself, I should give some of my own tips from what I have learnt.

1. do not leave things to the last minute

I literally cannot stress this enough oh. my. god.

I was a procrastinating idiot and left everything to the very last minute (and I really do mean the last minute - I only just finished my UMassAmherst application in time). The essays especially can be really daunting and I think I just panicked a little bit with them so I kept on putting them off for as long as I possibly could. I promise you, once you start the essays they aren’t that bad. And if you’re smart and don’t leave them until the last moment, not only do you relieve some of the pressure of the application process, you also give yourself time to improve it and to show the colleges the very best version of you.

2. if you can, visit colleges

Obviously this might not be a doable thing for many people, but if you have the opportunity to visit colleges, take it. I was really lucky that my family was able to fly to America and do a college tour as a sort of family holiday, but I 100% recognise that not everyone is able to do that.

When I went, I visited eight (8) in total: Harvard, Yale, Columbia, NYU, UChicago, William & Mary, and UVA. The reason why I valued this trip so much in particular is because of Columbia and NYU.

Before going on this trip I thought I’d love Columbia and hate NYU. For me, the idea of a closed campus was a very big thing that I wanted as part of my college experience and in general, I knew more about Columbia than I did about NYU.

What ended up happening (which you may have already guessed since I’m going to NYU) is that I hated Columbia and loved NYU - a complete switch from what I thought before. I went to Columbia and it immediately just didn’t feel like the right place for me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an incredible uni and a cool campus, but I just personally didn’t vibe with it at all. We were supposed to get a tour but ended up leaving before it started because I just knew that I would never want to spend a whole bunch of money and four (4) years of my life there. The next day we went to NYU which I was iffy about from the get go because it’s an open campus and a much bigger school so I just didn’t really think much of it. We weren’t able to get a tour because they had been all booked up the week we went but we got a map and a student drew out a route for us to take. I fell in love with this school so damn quick you have no idea haha. The entire feel of it just clicked with me and even though its an open campus, it still felt like you were on a campus and surrounded by students whilst also being a few steps away from the centre of Greenwich Village.

TL;DR - NYU went from barely being on my application list to being my top choice all because I visited it in person. If you can, visiting can change so much for you.

3. be honest in your application

Going into the application process I had a lot of anxiety over extracurriculars. Activities and extras are a very different thing in England. They aren’t as big of a deal when you’re applying to uni and in general, they aren’t pushed quite as much as they are in America. As a result, I was really worried that I wouldn’t have enough and that I wouldn’t get into uni because I don’t do a million and five after school clubs.

What I realised when I started the application is that a) you probably do a whole lot more than you realise, and b) there is no point in exaggerating or stretching the truth about what you do/don’t do.

On the CommonApp they give you 10 spaces for activities. I originally thought I’d only have 3 things - I ended up having 6. It isn’t just about what you do as clubs after school, it’s how you help out in general at your school, it’s what you do to expand on learning outside of school, and it can just be stuff you do for fun. I have squash lessons and let me tell you guys something - I suck at squash. I do it purely for fun but it was another thing I could put on my application because all that section is for really is to show the colleges what you do and how you expand yourself beyond your grades. You don’t have to be a star athlete or national level debate competitor - you just need to demonstrate that you do something other than lessons and trust me, everyone does something other than lessons whether they realise it or not.

Another thing that made me go shit i have done nothing with my life was the personal essay. I read so many example essays before writing my own and some of them probably did more harm than good. Not because they were bad, but because they were next level good. There were kids who helped teach refugee kids how to read, who had lived in 12 different countries and spoke a bajillion languages, who were champion chess players, and who had lived insane stories and lives that sounded like they belonged on an episode of Ellen. Now, if you are one of those people, a) congrats! you’ve lived a super dope life already and i’m jealous, and b) this does not apply to you. 

If, like me and many others, you are not one of those people, don’t panic and write a fake super human story. It isn’t worth it and it won’t get you very far. Even if you don’t realise it, there is something that is interesting about you that you can write 600 words about that will give a better insight into who you are for colleges to see. I straight up wrote about my anxiety disorder and how I like to relax by snacking and watching NCIS. That is not a joke. I am serious, I wrote about binge watching TV and somehow still got into NYU (trust me, I’m confused too).

My point is, find something that you’re passionate about, something that is unique to your experience of life that others might not have, something that makes you think. If it’s provoking thought from you, it will provoke thought in the admissions officer.

4. try not to get hung up on one (1) school

I think a lot of people are guilty of this and I am going to go ahead and put myself in that same box. My heart got set on NYU pretty quickly after I visited, trolled the NYU website and watched every youtube video I could get my hands on. I was so fortunate that I got in because despite many efforts, I was totally obsessed with the idea of NYU and wanting to get in. If I hadn’t gotten in, I honestly think I might have had a breakdown and that isn’t an exaggeration. Even when I found out I got in, I still felt sick to my stomach for the entire night because of how unbelievably worried I was that I wouldn’t get in.

My point here is that I wish I hadn’t gotten to that point because there are so many universities out there and so many incredible ones and I think that you end up where you’re supposed to go - truly. I didn’t even think of NYU as a serious thing at first and now I’m going there. Your validity - both academically and personally - is not based on a college acceptance or a high GPA or a great personal essay. By getting hung up on a single school, if they don’t accept you, I think it can really hurt your confidence and it isn’t worth risking your own mental health because of one institution.

That ended up being waaayyy longer than I anticipated haha. I really hope this was helpful and gave a little insight into the process. 

If anyone has any questions about anything - my college application, school in england, study tips, grades, my cats who i love to talk about - pls pls pls do ask me!

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Why do you think you relapsed at Bristol Kitty? X

This has been on my mind all day (since I read your message) and has led me to doing lots of thinking.

It’s funny though, during my whole admission not one person asked me this question or helped me to explore WHY I relapsed. Granted that during my first 6 weeks I did not want to talk about uni or anything, but when I felt my mind easing a little and tried to reach out for support it wasn’t there and so I closed that lid and haven’t dared to open it since. My automatic reply has become “It was a bit too much stress/pressure and I wasn’t happy” which yes is true but is only the surface level.

I will put this under a read more as it may be long and triggering:

Firstly, looking back on it I was not in a place mentally or physically to be making such huge changes in my life again (past changes like going to York Uni and New Zealand also triggered relapses). I was itching to move out, I was literally bouncing off of the walls and hated it at home, but I was still very much stuck in Anorexia. Neither was I a healthy weight (the deal with my team at the time was that I would go to Bristol but had to engage with services straight away and commit to weight gain). These two things together meant that I was still extremely rigid, followed xy rules, and was pretty much still very intrenched in the anorexic thinking.

Accommodation: Unfortunately the accommodation I picked did not help the situation. It was in the city centre which was perfect however it was mostly made up of post grads and international students, meaning that it was very isolating and fed into my depression and social anxiety from the off.

I tried to be social and meet people, I was even voted onto the JCR board but even that didn’t help. I took on far too much and there was so little interaction with people whilst living there that I spiralled quickly. 

The course:- Before even leaving for Uni, I felt behind. A combination of being out of education for a while and having not studied A level Biology meant that I felt that I needed to work harder and harder than everyone else.- My perfectionism was in its element; I put huge/near impossible unrelenting standards on myself and am extremely self-critical. Both of these traits were only exasperated by the course.- The course itself felt like 3 uni courses at the same time. One lecture we would be studying the cardiac system in physiology, the next antagonism in pharmacology and then in the human dissection rooms with Neuroscience identifying specimens. The variety was great however each area expected you to be experts in their field; so it often felt like you were having to work triply hard. - We had coursework every single week that was marked and went towards our final grade - this led to me finding it hard to STOP working (something I have struggled with a lot in the past as well)- The course itself was A LOT of hours (I seem to remember one week was something like 26 contact hours) and they expected you to do at least 1 hour for every hour contact time. Again, feeding into my perfectionism and my harsh self critic. - I then found with time that all this stress and pressure and all the working long hours and never feeling like anything was ever good enough, I didn’t enjoy any of it. I wasn’t happy. And that’s when things started to really go downhill. - I started to question everything as I began to see (or not see) that I had no idea where I was going with this degree or whether I actually wanted to be doing it. It felt like everyone had a rough path ahead of them, some sort of goal for studying neuroscience but I had nothing. I felt no connection with it. 

Responsibility: I think there was a part of me that was terrified of moving out again and having to be an adult. Now I love living independently however anorexia also loves it. I personally find spending money on myself difficult and things like food shopping became even harder. This links with me not being in a place where I was ready to make such a huge change as I was stuck eating the same foods day in and day out with little to no flexibility. Yes I had gained some weight but my thinking was still so stuck. Then to throw in having to spend money on food and pay for everything else that comes with being an adult, idk part of me felt like I didn’t deserve or need these things. That it was a waste of money, that I was already x in debt with student loans now, how dare I be spending money on food and on myself. I logged all my in-goings and outgoings exactly; I had both a spreadsheet for theoretical and actual spendings as well as a budget book that I put everything I spent into. 

I felt very disconnected from the people around me. There I was, 22, and I was surrounded by 18/19 year olds (and yes there were older people too but the majority were v young) and they were all going out drinking and partying (I wasn’t even invited, so there was no chance to even say yes/no) and tbh they were just so bloody immature. I didnt’ really find anyone I was close with and what with feeling alienated in my accommodation, to also feel that way on my course was horrible. I felt like I was such a burden to the people I would sit with because I was tagging along. I didn’t think that anyone liked me or wanted me to be there. They would be chatting about that night or planning on going out or talking about the nights gone by and I would just sit there copying down notes and not even able to join in. 

I was really unhappyMy depression took quite a spiral and I was questioning why I was doing the course, why I was living where I was, and would ruminate over all my past mistakes and errors, tearing apart each day every night planning on how I could be better, work harder, push myself more to even attempt to be good enough in some aspect. 

I suspect that I could keep going but I think this kind of sums it up? 

[dedalustephen]

back for a bit.

i was reading through my diary entries from before and my shit adhd working memory really... makes me forget that i dont actually live as good and privileged a life as i think (or my parents allege) i do

the amount of /trauma/ you can see younger me was put through as a result of my parents' breaking and broken relationship was... slightly insane? i dont think me now would be able to handle that

like my parents really... straight up never gave a fuck about my mental health? it doesnt really clock as Really Bad but threatening to throw the dog out bc ur kid is crying in the toilet and refusing to leave maybe isnt a good thing to do?

and that also neglects the fact ive had to function at "gets into oxf*rd as an intl student" level with undiagnosed adhd that is the root of many, many, many emotional issues (which again of course my parents were not kind to)

and /then/ when i stopped being judgy of everyone and started to appreciate the world around me, 2019 hit and my entire life was thrown into political crisis after crisis, the notes i had in late 2019... i was absolutely terrified then??? like im paraoid now but it was even worse then for me, mentally. and then there was corona, i lost everything i looked forward to, there was never a proper full stop to my secondary school life, and then i was launched into covid era uni life, and then when i got home i hated every moment of it bc my dad was moving out and my mom was dating someone else and i was basically living with reminders that the life i was starting to know how to appreciate was already gone forever.

and then i was stranded in the uk for a year, and still am, put into more and more stressful situations having to deal with an adult adhd diagnosis having to try out meds living alone etc. etc. etc. all while my parents continue to not really give a fuck about my mental health, etc.

and all this isnt counting the stress of studying a dse curriculum and studying at oxf.

not to give myself too many pats on the back but ive really been through quite a lot lol and im quite glad for my adhd impacting my working memory bc i dont actually rmb all this happening, im just dealing with the consequences lol

the whole i want to go home to feel safe and secure thing has probably been a running theme thing, i only really was able to identify and verbalize it as that now bc im physically away from what i call home :( when thing is i never really felt safe and secure at home for a majority of my childhood anyways...

so like 1) ive always been this emotionally unstable, its not some im only like this in uni thing, and 2) ive been forced into dealing with most if not all of the issues thatve been piled up /all in one go/ bc if not i literally cannot be a functional adult that gets thru uni,,,,it is not a wonder that im constantly stressed and breaking down rn lmaooo

oh and i forgot i was gay and trans in hk???? at a very homophobic christian girls school??????? and my crush was deeply suic*dal and i had to talk her out of suic*de like once every two days?????????

what the FUCK was going on

processing all of this in hindsight when im away from my parents, politics, my past etc. is... quite insane i just took all of this in stride. im literally going thru less insane stuff than i did as a child which is why i acc have the headspace to deal with all of this and the emotional stability to process this like this without resorting to vague convoluted poems... also meds help lol

anyways im going to go easy on myself with collections this week and a lot of stuff in the future, of course my standards wont drop but i'll be kinder if that makes sense? like i wont beat myself up over crying rn and if i procrastinate too much i'll know whats up (though procrastinstion is so, so, so stressful) and im still going thru a lot of stress and anxiety,,and while i think im not enough like jesus christ ive been thru some shit people dont usually go thru

it's like wait lemme count

oh god theres also the people pleaser religious guilt and also chinese continue bloodline etc. guilt wtf

like that's 8-9ish things i had to deal with that, with any single one, could very likely break a person completely on the mental side of things lmao

ngl im quite strong :')

anyways now that ive processed that or well, at least started to process it, it's time to move on grow up 現實令你快要快要變做大丈夫 etc except like very much on the emotional strength and not 現實應對能力 lmaooooooooooooooo not j*rs voice being a main motivater again what if i see him and im like omg thank u for singing so many songs!! u helped me process my trauma <333 like akdksjjfsjjfjs lmaooo

[agermanbetweenscots]

Summer 2019

In June, my parents and me decided to fly to Vilnius to check out Vilnius (and the uni) and I think I speak for all of us if I say that the time spent there was wonderful. Vilnius is a lovely little big town – old cobblestones, nice people, a wonderful walking trail around the town. We had great coffees, rented some bikes and eScooters and cruised through the city. The people were so friendly, the sun was warm on our skin and wherever I turned my head, I thought I could be very happy here. Papa said that the women in Vilnius were among the most beautiful he had ever seen, whereas I just loved the vibe. At night we sat near the river, drank some alcohol and watched people dance Tango together. Wow. That river by the way won me over (it's splitting the town into old and new) and if you know me (which by now you hopefully do) you know I love cities with a river through it (Melbourne, Frankfurt).

On the second day, we rented bikes and cycled to the Uni. The uni was an old building in-midst of a quarter with old mansions (some looking recently renovated, some had seen better days). For a bit we just wandered along the building, trying to find a way in - classic breaking and entering until we just walked through the front door, ignored an old man that probably was not amused and just wandered down the hallways until we found the wing of the medical faculty. Technically, the uni was closed, but nevertheless they let us walk through the building and it didn’t look too bad, I remember the main building being quite new and white and colourful, while the lecture theatres were tall and wooden and old. Again, a vibe.

I could have lived (and studied) wonderfully in Vilnius.

But better things were to come.

Upon returning to Goslar, I applied to finish my last month of Pflegepraktikum - the plan was to work in Wernigerode in the Children's Hospital and so I applied, got accepted and drove to Wernigerode for 8AM. I stood outside the hospital, walked in, asked for the person responsible for me, got redirected to the main hospital and was therefore 30min late. My inner German, and outer German was freaking out. I hate being late on the first day and this was just my own stupidity. I should have just entered the Children's Hospital 15 minutes earlier, instead of standing around waiting for it to get closer to 8AM.

For an entire month, I therefore commuted 25 minutes in the morning (I had to get up at 4:30!!!) to get to a gynaecology and birthing ward that we would also have in Goslar. But i would have not wanted to miss it for the world. I loved the nurses and doctors and the entire hospital was s friendly to me. In the second week of me being there, we suddenly got way more interns that would have been necessary on this small ward.

In the worst days we were 2 student nurses, 2 interns, 1 student intern and 1 student nurse in her last days. How and why they decided to cram 6 people into a ward, where its patients do not need much help anyways - no one knows. But it was alright. I think at some point I literally cleaned the cupboard twice in a day but generally, it was really nice and good to see something else. I even got to see a birth, which was a really good experience. I also got to taste some Vitamin K. Gross. I do not recommend.

In July, several things happened at the same time.

1) My mum passed her palliative Care certificate (yay mum!)

2) I got my Kassel Medical School interview invitation

3) I had to graduate from Napier.

And because the July just wanted to know it, all of that happened on one weekend. So me and mum embarked on what would become the most Jetset Weekend in my life so far.

Mum and me drove to Hannover on the 3rd of July, so she could smash her exam and become qualified, before we flew to Scotland, slept at Motel One (where else?) and were ready for my graduation on the 4th of July. My graduation was around 2PM, so we ate at Wagamamas (where else?). I got a gown, posed for pictures and introduced my mum to Niamh's parents.

I love that graduation is such a big thing for Brits. In Germany, you get your certificate and that is that. I loved seeing everyone again, seeing the Italian's walking around with flower crowns (really wanna know what that tradition is about), loved the nervousness of me having to walk over stage in the highest high heels I have ever worn and loved that I was mentioned first because of my 1st class honours.

It just feels right to celebrate the end of four wonderful years. Edinburgh and Napier are so much a part of me, they gave me all my friends, my boyfriend, a home-town across the world, self-confidence, made me into a runner and made me grow up into a young woman and shaped me in ways I probably cannot really comprehend. I would not have wanted to miss graduation (even though I had to miss the graduation ball).

Graduation ended around 5PM and me and mum were already racing to the airport for a flight at around 7. Because we had to fly to Düsseldorf to sleep there a night to be taking train to Kassel for the 5th for the interview that (SPOILER) was gonna change my life.

So me and mum are racing to the airport, running along cobblestones in high heels, jumping into the 100 to make it to the airport in time. And we were slightly worried (Dad in Germany probably more than us) because not getting this flight meant not getting to Germany and that meant not getting to Kassel. I remember changing my heels in the bus and the jump suit in the airport toilet because we were running so fast. We had a nice little dinner in the Weatherspoons because ... dum dum dum ... the flight was delayed. So all the stress was for nothing. But probably also stopped me from getting very sentimental about leaving Edinburgh.

We arrived in Düsseldorf, and the taxi dropped us off at a really random hotel (my mum booked it) and tbh it looked liked the hotel in this new Netflix show 'Disappearance in the Hotel Cecil' so in short very murderous. We slept in the cellar, it was very hot and sticky and I remember the carpet as very disgusting. But we were only there to sleep, so did it really matter?

In the morning, I got dressed, spoke to Chris (to awaken my English speaking skills) and me and mum went to the station to get the train to Kassel.