#its like my brain is expecting somebody to ask me what i'm doing and why

[cerbreus]

my most frustrating problem i have is i have to have a reason to do things. i have to have a reason to leave the house to leave the house, i can’t just leave and walk aimlessly there’s gotta be a place i want/need to be. i have to have a reason to draw, a reason to reach out to friends, a reason to wear certain clothes or eat certain foods. pain in the ass that i can’t just DO stuff.

[mcbeetlebeeb]

I'm currently getting into a fandom that isn't homestuck, but I can't turn down a request :3

these will still be headcannons and- uhrm- yea

Gamzee Makara

He is, talking about some mystical shit dude

I think hed appreciate someone who just listens too him blabber

don't ask me why but he'd like to naw on you

not full fledged biting a chunk out of you

I think he's too aware of how sharp his teeth are to go biting down that hard, but yknow

nipping at you gently, but not before he was smothering you in sloppy clown kisses

this is real specific but I think hed have the type of eyes that you can't seem to keep eye contact with

he's just so much taller and just has this lopsided shiteating grin, that shows most of his sharp ass teeth

I'd like to think his eyes are always that half lidded gaze, especially when it's at you

but no intent behind the looks he gives, fuck- probably no thoughts either

lights on no one home

don't get me wrong, he's not dumb,

in the simplest sense hes a big ol airhead

yknow a dingbat, a bit of a scatterbrain

but he's not like- vegetable for a brain dumb as hell

and thats another thing, it's definitely really convincing to probably think that he's yknow, not all there

but it throws you off gaurd x2 when he'd get all close and murmur and mumble certain things too you

he looked like he had a maximum of 3 thoughts floating around in his brain

but here he is, mumbling in a low almost gravely tone, right by your ear

I love to think he's one of those tall people to rest his arm playfully on your head if your shorter, which you most likely are-

can't recall if I mentioned the last time sense I have a rubber ducky keeping track of my memory

but I think hed be cold all the time

not like, bothersomely fridged

but enough to make you shiver and squirm if he were to press his hand to your skin, noticeable enough for you to verbally go "Damn-"

also!! I think hed be a huge sucker for you just holding his face with your hands, letting him relax against you, eyes shut

still grinning a bit and letting that low rumbling purr come from him

and this also means playing with his hair,

pet him damn it he demands it

no, not really more like laying and being in your space, following you round until you pay attention properly too him

sense most trolls can't- yknow- go out in the middle of the day because of their intense asf sun, trolls are nocturnal

so like if you ever took a photo with him with flash his eyes would do that reflective thing that cats have

or for another example, yknow how in the dark the first thing you spot about your black cat is its eyes?

yeah that

like I said in the other headcannon thingy, he's just always lurking and looming, he likes knowing what your doing even if he's not involved

and this comes with him trailing around you like a dog that sees you have food and knows you'll give it too them at some point

wether it be from afar or close, don't assume he's not close by, him being a purple blood im sure he's well aware of how violent trolls can be,

but with you around! oh he can't let you wonder off too far- Alternia's atmosphere is dangerous and the fauna is even more dangerous-

so don't expect to go very far without him trailing behind you

but he'd understand if you explained too him you wanted time too yourself or with somebody else one on one

I dont think hed be a jealous person, maybe a lil possessive! but he's not overbearing with it

he just wants you safe and content, and he wants you too feel that way around him

have a song I think fits his uh? vibe towards? significant other? because 🎉

Dave Strider

mm have I said he's a genuinely a big goof?

but I think that'd be something someone gets right off the bat

maybe

if you can pick up on someone trailing off on tangents of meaningless words that can go on and on without someone actually ever responding

than it's pretty visable

I think itd be pretty adorable though (I know I'm gay, whatever)

like if he were to start talking about something, anything, and you gave a simple short response, he's gonna take that and run with it

especially if he likes you

I think hed definitely be one too stare

but how could you tell? he's always wearing those shades

probably a good reason why he wears them other than ironic purposes

so no one sees what or where or in this case who he's lookin at

constantly staring though, wether it's you having a conversation with you or, you doing something random he's just watching

no actual thoughts id like to say

just observing

watching you be you, do your own natural thing, picking up on the way you talk or gesture at stuff

I cannot urge this enough but I still firmly believe physical touch would be a very special thing too him

it's not impossible or looked down upon too be able to hold his hand or lean against him

but he'd be mentally noting each touch, each expression you make, listening intently too your tone, hoping your doing the same

but with these actions he'd be straight faced as always, but he can feel his hands tremble ever so slightly, he recognizes his heart beat picking up

unfamiliar with these feelings with how they're being presented yknow?

most times he ever feels this way he's in danger

but he knows he couldn't be safer right now, like he wants to believe that, it's not hard for him to believe it

but his body is just hardwired to tense up, clench his jaw and steady the shakey breathing

but being patient and respectful would melt those feelings away really easy I'd like too think

just sitting there and slowly showing affection, brushing thumbs against his knuckles, tracing over fingers

you focus on his hand, flipping it over and thumbing at his vaguely sweaty palm, hand still shaking faintly in your gentle grasp

he'd just stare at you, in disbelief and adoration, and realization that he doesnt need to be poker faced round you

that he doesnt need to put up a front to protect himself, the squishy parts of him he learned to shove away to get along with life

a big sigh of relief to say the least,

but once he realizes he doesn't need to be someone else for you, he can just be him, no expectations or demands, he can rely on someone else for once

you ain't ever gettin rid of him after that, he's not clingy but he's no longer keeping you at arms length, not now, not ever again

AND HE GETS MUSIC THING because he is my favorite right next too the crab man <3

author note: I feel this sucked a big booty buttload but I was already half way done with it when I dubbed it that, so have this anyway!!!

[themuseandantarctica]

* 𝒊 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂 𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒈𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒏

sentence starters from joanne greenberg's novel i never promised you a rose garden. change however necessary. i never promised you a rose garden is a semi-autobiographical account of a young girl admitted to a mental hospital for treatment for her schizophrenia, which means...

tw: mental hospitals, medical, self-harm, suicide, suicidal ideation, ableism, ableist language

it should look as if we trust her. she must feel that we trust her…

they call it a mental hospital, but it's a place where they put people away.

we should have expected them. why should we be so surprised?

i told you the truth about these things you asked. now are you going to help me?

you are just in time for the patient's soothing tea and the end of the world.

it was considered advisable to terminate the interview.

well, i'm a hundred square yards sane.

you will not have to give up anything until you are ready, and then there will be something to take its place.

the prisoner pleads guilty to the charge of not having acute something-itis and accepts the verdict of guilty of being nuts in the first degree.

someday i hope to help you see this world as other than a stygian hell.

it seemed like a good life -- a very good life she had. now they say it wasn't.

i can't really see you and i can't really hear you.

they think that both of us would be too much just now.

it's without a cause, you see, and that's what is so frightening.

i hated it and had no talent for it. it was one of the flags to capture, you see, and he had to try to win it, even through me.

it's going to cost us -- everything. you know that, don't you?

am i not what you wanted? do you have to correct my brain, too?

you see, she knew, in her own way, that she was not attempting suicide, but making the call for help, the call of a mute and confused person.

waiting for the blows… and then there came a time, later -- a time where she began to arrange for blows to fall.

i swear to you that i will not use you.

they never said they were sorry, not one of them.

is this… forever?

that was not my doing. i was not even in on the consultation.

you are walking around your destruction and poking a little finger at it here and there.

it's funny… i never figured that kid was really sick.

i scratched my arm a little -- that's all.

do you know what a coldsheet pack is? i'm going to set one up for you.

this is the little tart i was telling you about.

there are flowers in a hospital and strength, too. you will live and be strong.

i could not be sure. i am good at getting deceived, you know.

you know… the thing that is so wrong about being mentally ill is the terrible price you have to pay for survival.

there is no injustice being done.

don't hit me, [name] -- don't hit me! i know how hard you can hit!

once i greeted my best friend and she turned from me. when i asked why, she said, "after what you did?" she never spoke to me again, and i never found out what happened.

none of the others laughed, really. you were only afraid that they might laugh. you alone made yourself lie.

there are other deaths than death -- worse ones.

we might someday… have to be "well" and be in the world.

i didn't want to hurt you -- to make you sicker.

when i get around to it, i'm going to do your portrait.

my hair feels dirty.

it is my selfness and it is poisonous. it is mind-poisonous.

another camouflage is to blame it all on someone else. it keeps you from having to face what they really did to you, and what you did to yourself and are still doing.

somewhere there is a thief who has heard that people bury and hide their gold and jewels. can you see the expression on his face when he comes on what i have buried!

i like being somebody's punishment; it makes me feel needed.

their religion doesn't permit them to commit suicide.

i found out about being insane. it really is something.

lay off [name], will you?

do you think the sick people are all in hospitals? do you think you have a corner on suffering?

you ought to know mental trouble when you see it.

it's envy! the best and smartest are always envied. walk straight and don't let them know if they touch you.

i thought i was going to die, but at last they came back.

that kid looks through me as if i'm not here at all.

i am a hair in my eye, and so are you.

a pacifist is one who uses his open hand.

i never promised you a rose garden. i never promised you perfect justice, and i never promised you peace or happiness. my help is so that you can be free to fight for all of these things.

it's because of the maybe. it's because of the little, little maybe.

she never took your world at all, don't you see?

what do they want with me, broken into and spoiled already? i'm not good enough for anyone else.

i could still be crazy if i wanted to?

i wish i could have made it to that narcotics cabinet.

are you calling me? is it me you want?

you have quite a number of bits and pieces all copied down on those papers of yours.

who ever told you that learning facts or theories or languages had anything to do with understanding yourself?

there is nothing you can do to me that my own craziness doesn't do to me smarter and faster and better.

i'll be around. you could even get privileges to come and visit me.

i never could ask for anything. i thought you knew that. when i have to ask, something happens to me and i… well, i start to fight.

i always wondered why those reports seemed to be more about [name]'s thoughts than about her body, like pulse or temperature.

maybe the cannon blast we were fearing was only what we heard.

you are captive and victim. we did not want you to escape.

it's going to hit -- please -- it's going to hit harder than i can stand up under.

god, they build their tortures cunningly!

everyone is so afraid of getting blood on the living room floor. "i can't stand to see suffering," they say, "so die outside!"

i think now, though, that you are little too happy with yourself for this trouble you have.

mommy and daddy are shelling out plenty on that bitch who isn't fit for saving.

get away from that door, [name]. you have no business there.

you are trying to hurt yourself now. what happened?

don't forget what i know about you!

i had known all those years and years how sick i was, and nobody else would admit it.

if you're seeking objective reality, this is one hell of a place to start.

even if you didn't really talk out loud, it was that look you get…

i'm not giving up; i'm just tired, that's all.

occasionally, others are damned by you to punish you.

this you have earned. i don't often give presents either, so take it.

this is one-by-one from the jawbone!

my difference is not my sickness.

when i get upset… i usually have trouble seeing properly.

did i hurt anybody? did i hurt anybody?

kid, i never knew you had it in you. you can really fight!

if i want to die, what am i saving myself for?

you've seen this… awfulness before; why are you so shocked?

measure the hate you feel now, and the shame. that quantity is your capacity also to love and to feel joy and to have compassion.

i would be worse than wasteful to give a moment's time to a hopeless case.

you will find no shortage of moral issues and hard decisions in the real world.

i have decided not to be immoral, because of what happened to [name].

where is what you used to scratch this?

it is why you need a hospital.

you are worn out, but no longer so very frightened, are you?

what am i doing here with all these crazy people!

i don't want to think anymore! i'm tired and scared and i just don't care anymore what happens.

i like an anger that is not fearful and guilty and can come out in good and vigorous english.

we just didn't get on. we didn't like each other. i think perhaps we were too much alike…

you've only got one kind of cold, the kind coats can fix.

you may not even have to do anything about it. you may not even have to think about it.

it was just a simple statement in my mind that i was going to live, to come up alive.

what hurts is being kicked by the forces that everyone else lives by and years of being nuts and not being able to tell anyone and have them believe you.

i tried to go easy. i hope it didn't hurt too much.

grapevine never told me you were back.

it can be very, very tough, but people are sometimes better than you think they will be.

somehow lately, there's been something like a caring in her.

now, am i crazy or did you make that story up?

you can have something on which to model yourself.

stop it! will you never end it!

if everybody would stop dying over the big secret, it'll be a lot easier.

you're not here that much. i want to see you this week.

no, [name], he was weeks ago -- i just went to the party with him.

when she blows, she's going to cover the ceiling.

sometimes you have to fight what won't yield and put yourself where it's safe to be crazy.

whose idea was this in the first place?

if i weren't scared to death of it, i would be so grateful!

you're not just rubbing it in good to get a little free suffering out of it?

alive is fighting. it's the same thing. i still think [name] could have made it.

well, i hope you like the room.

now, when you have come again to the world, you are able to remember what was also there with the darkness. much of it was darkness only because it was balanced against the light of loving and experiencing truth.

what about your new friend, [name]? do you still see her sometimes?

the one place i could never go… the one hunger i could never admit.

do they know how beautiful and enviable their lives are?

i can't go back to my merry high-school days again, volleyball in the gym and teeth-teeth at the school dances.

could you call them for an appointment?

just… well, i liked to think of you being outside and starting along, that's all.

hey! you know what happens when you burn yourself? you get burned, that's what!

is it true that you bring me beauty lately only when you are threatened?

if it's okay with the people down at that place she mentioned, i'll be ready whenever they are.

say "hello" for me. throw something at her and be rude so she'll know it's me.

she is prompt and obedient and never insane in the classroom.

does it all have to go? do we pile it up and throw it all out?

i will never have that. not by fighting or study or work or withstanding will i be able to walk with one of them or be warmed by their hands.

we had to call your landlady and tell her you weren't coming back there tonight and that you were here.

you rotten whore! let me go!

i am going to hang with the world. full weight.

[literaticat]

my debut sold decently and many readers consider it one of their favorites of all time — the dream! but my second book is out now, and whether it's the curse of the sophomore slump or that expectations for it were too high, readers aren't connecting with it in the same way. even avoiding reading reviews, I keep getting reminded that people aren't enjoying it and that it isn't selling well. now I'm starting to get in my head about it as I work on my next books. second-guessing myself on everything from premise to POV and tense, wondering if I'm about to doom myself to a steady decline in my career with every choice. what would you tell a client going through this?

Congratulations on the books!

I really hope you are cultivating good, smart, non-drama-stirring writer friends who you can be real with, because I'm certain that MANY people have had "slumps" and may have useful strategies for getting out of your own head and shutting down that pesky inner saboteur.

(I'd also urge you to consider trying therapy if you can. It really might help to be able to open up to somebody who is outside the publishing world and has no bias. Talking out your fears and issues might help you conquer them before they get bigger!)

I haven't really had a client come to me with this kind of woe, probably for some of the same reasons you haven't gone to your own agent with it and are instead asking some random on the internet! But if I did, I'd probably try to give them some perspective. "Sophomore Slump" is a thing that happens to lots of people (that's why it has a name!) -- but I'm not sure that it's REALLY real, or that it really matters, in the long term. It seems like a big deal because you only have the two books -- your debut, that had so much build-up in your own mind, was SUCH a big deal for you, then did well, so your expectation of "normal" was set very high -- and then the next one. Which, compared to the first one, wasn't as big a deal, wasn't as exciting, was received differently, etc. Of COURSE that's somewhat deflating.

The thing is, careers are long. If you plan to keep being a writer, like, as your main thing, you'll probably have LOTS of books. Some will likely succeed beyond your expectations -- some will probably be forgotten. That's... pretty normal. (Even 'hitmakers' like Stephen King have some duds in the mix!) But even if every single fan of the first book is like "meh" to the second one, I'll BET that there are people who love the second one and don't care about the first one or haven't even read it. It's a different book! Not every book is for every reader -- and that's OK! (I'll bet for some readers, that Stephen King Dud is their FAVE!) When you have more books, you'll realize that every book has its own journey, and the ups-and-downs that are natural parts of that journey won't loom quite so large in your brain.

You can't really control how readers receive your work or how it is reviewed. Once it's published, it doesn't belong to you anymore -- you gave in roots by writing it, you gave it wings by publishing it, and now it's OUT THERE doing its own thing in the world, and you have to let go.

What you CAN control is writing books that YOU are excited about and proud of. So that's your goal.

(And if anyone has practical advice for stopping-overthinking / getting out of your head -- please do put it in the comments!)

[lyman-garfiel]

Hi.,,,,,,,,, if you,,are reading this it means you have located me on the internet. lets talk about that

general information under cut =)

🍈🪲About me!!🪲🍈

🦎you are allowed to refer to me as lymantria..because that is my name, variations on the name are allowed as well as its a fuckass long name, i prefer lyman the most but tria/lyme/ly/mantria and whatever are fine too =) i also have a special secret name you unlock at clown level 50!! 🦎I am genderfluid and abro, do not expect any of my idenity to make sence to you as it doesn't make sence to me eather!! for simplicity, my pronouns are he/it, and i use masc terms until i don't!!

🦎i am 19!! i concider my blog sfw as i do not post enis cock titty boob balls here, though i will hornypost and generally be a menace. for that reason i'd like to say i'd prefer my followers to be 16+ at the very least 🦎i,,,have a lot of interests, biggest ones being valve games MOST IMPORTANTLY PORTAL I FUCKING L-, beastars, rtvs, christain borle insects..mostly parasitic wasps i love them.., dan and phil, mlp [all gens], wof, christain borle, animatronics and uh,,the personal lives of my cats..

🦎my speech patterns tend to be weird, i don't know why my brain works like this,,,,,you get used to it the longer you consume lymanisms..,,,,,,also i idenitify as alterhuman in the direction of lizard!

🍈🦎DNI!!!!!!!🦎🍈

💎 queer discource/flag discourse mfs.. if you have "mspec lesbians dni" in your bio i think you are annoying, doing more harm than good to the queer community and i do not like you. if somebody's sexuality is out of the status quo and they're attracted to something that can give consent. i do not give a fuck and neither should you.

💎proshippers!! i'm sorry i do think fiction affects reality and we should not justify pairing abusive/straight up illegal pairings because it helps you "cope" or whatever. cope in private. 💎 general dni material!! if you're racist/homophobic/transphobic/a fucking zionist/ableist/zoo/pedo i do not want you here. 💎 arturo giles. you can like him, you can post about him. but arturo himself, get OFF my blog

🪲🍈MYY F/O'S!!🍈🪲

💎Scarab <3<3💎

🪲scarab is my princess with a disorder and i love her very much, we go to anger management classes together and get olive garden pasta after <33 🪲gonna be honest here, prohibitedwish is a HUGE HUGE discomfort for me.. to the point it has caused some pretty bad mental health crises for me in the past, do not mention it to me do not engage me in it whatsoever. i have the tags blocked so don't feel guilty for following me and posting about it as i prommy i won't see it, if its your jam more power to you !! but my brain is an asshole to live with and i cannot tolerate it. that being said i'm also pretty selective on sharring this guy, though i think i'm finally easing up on it? if i follow you, you're not a problem 2 me and i think you're based <3

🪲anyways,,,shoutout 2 scaraman, what got me involved with the mess of the selfship community <3

🐝JEWEL!!🐝

🐝jewel is an oc that accidentally became stuck in my brain and now i have feelings for her,,,,,,,fuck. 🐝i concider her to be in a poly with lyman and scarab, they are fucked up and evil together <33 🐝 due to her status as an oc i don't want..anybody to selfship with her since 100% of her information exists in my head alone not that i think anypony would, regardless i love her so much

🍈....melon🍈

🍈 look i don't......i don't know whats wrong with me or why i'm brainrotting over him so much latley, its like a sickness that won't stop..i KNOW he's a freak 🍈 edit: OH I HAVE LORE.......I SO HAVE LORE NOW,,,,,,,,OH THIS IS TOXIC SHIT ask me. about. it. 🍈i am aware he's a sucky sucky guy with a lot of issues and that i cannot fix him, however he just like me fr and thinking about our toxic relationship keeps me from kms-ing 🍈update! as ive been dating him for half a year now. i waanna state i'm like.. strictly nonsharing, ive had too many narc crashes over this at tthe moment. my npd likes him and is very posessive. i still would love to discuss him with people but like,,,, if you make romantic comments on him please do not. around me , for somme reason my brains been flipping out about that

🍈,,,,,i need to draw less fluffy stuff and more fucked up and evil shit regarding beastars au lyman......it will happen..give it time

...senpai.

he's not even a romantic f/o i just hate him so much i made a whole blog dedicated to how much i fucking hate him @nemisisofsenpai my....nemisis f/o..ok with sharing..PLEASE take him i don't want him

🦎end.���

thank you for reading,,,,enjoy your average deranged post

[the-mxster]

Tensimm+Donna incorrect quotes (pt7)

Pt 1 Pt 6

Doctor: I know you snuck out last night, Master.

Master in his head: Play dumb! 
Master: Who's the Master?

Master in his head: NOT THAT DUMB!!!

Donna: The Master just insisted the Doctor and I remember a code word in case we’re ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we’re not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter.

Donna: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

Master: Happy birthday Doctor! I'm your gift!

Doctor, whispering to Donna: Did you get the receipt, or do I have to keep them?

Donna: Ooh, somebody has a crush

Master: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on the Doctor I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them.

*Later that night*

Master, very much awake: Uh oh.

Master: I feel like the Doctor is looking down on me.

Donna: That’s because they’re on the counter and you’re short.

Doctor to the Master: We smell of sweat and loss.

Doctor : How would you rate your pain?

Donna: 0/10. Would not recommend.

Doctor : Master, can you help me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason.

Master, wearing a hoodie that's 5 times bigger than their size: Spooky.

Doctor : Baby vibes... hold gentle... like hamburger.

Master: Punt like football.

Donna: I can't take you seriously wearing that.

Master: Aw, you take me seriously at all?

Donna: Fair point.

Master: Is this about me?

Doctor : No.

Master: Then I've lost interest.

Doctor : The Ocean is a soup.

Donna:

Donna: Do elaborate.

Doctor : What are needed for something to be a soup?

Donna: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.

Doctor : *Tilts head*

Donna: The Ocean is a Soup.

Doctor : The Ocean is a Soup.

Donna: Do you need help getting up?

Doctor : Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor.

Doctor : Oh, fiddlesticks.

Donna: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.

Doctor : Why aren’t you sleeping?

Master: I’m too busy plotting your murder to sleep, Doctor .

Doctor :

Master: ...The nightmares.

Doctor : *wrapping their arms around Master* Awwww, sweetie-

Doctor : Where are you going?

Master: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.

Donna: Why are you late?

Doctor : A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness.

Donna: Overslept?

Doctor : Overslept.

Master: Donna, I need some advice.

Donna: You need advice from ME?

Master: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

Doctor, about to leave the TARDIS: Don’t spend all day watching YouTube, okay?

Master: I FORGE MY OWN PATH!!

Doctor: Master, are you okay?!

Master : I told you to stop asking stupid questions!

Donna, shooing the Doctor away: Can you go be depressed over there? You’re bumming out my whole area.

Donna: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're impressed.

Master: But you do know better.

Doctor, texting Donna: Text me when you’re home safely.

Donna: I’m home dangerously.

Doctor : Stop it.

Donna: I’m home lethally.

Doctor : Bro-

Master: No, no, hold up, rewind.

Master: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

Doctor : So I have made the decision to trust you.

Master: A horrible decision, really.

Donna: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?

Doctor : Neither.

Doctor : Because it's twelve.

Donna: My head hurts.

Master: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Master: What has the galaxy ever done for you?! Why would you wanna save it?!

Doctor : Cause I’m one of the idiots who lives in it!

Doctor: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.

Donna: Heck.

Doctor: You're on thin fucking ice.

Doctor: Oh no-

Doctor : Master, you’re such a genius!

Master: Yes, I know.

Donna: My expectations were low but holy fuck.

Master: I don't dab. I stab.

Master: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.

Donna: *laughs* Book recommendation? I can’t read!

Master: Donna, I sense hostility.

Donna: Good, because I hate you.

Donna: *accidentally hits the Master with their car*

Master: You hit me with your car.

Donna: You hit my car with your body.

*While planning to break in somewhere*

Doctor: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"

Master: What?

Doctor: "Get Help."

Master: No.

Doctor: C'mon, you love it!

Master: I hate it.

Doctor: It's great! It works every time!

Master: It's humiliating.

Doctor: Do you have a better plan?

Master: No.

Doctor: We're doing it!

Master: We are not doing "Get Help!"

*A Minute Later*

Doctor, carrying Master: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! *throws Master at guards, knocking them out*

Doctor: Ahh, classic!

Master: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.

Doctor, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Doctor: Do you know a turtles only weakness?

Donna: No... well, their slowness.

Doctor: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.

Doctor: Now I have a plan.

Doctor: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.

Donna: Doctor, you know the Master better than anyone. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect gift.

Doctor: And you’re sure its not…

Donna: It’s not a tie.

Doctor: okay.

Doctor : There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?

Master: Nope, there's 26.

Doctor : Ah, I must have forgotten U, R, A, Q, T.

Master: Aww, that's cute, but you're still missing one.

Doctor : You'll get the D later ;).

Master: Wow, Doctor , you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.

Doctor : We literally slept together yesterday.

Master: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

Doctor: I don't want to fight you!

Donna: I wouldn't want you to fight me either!

Master: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free: pouring river water in your socks!

Donna: Why would I do that?

Master: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free!

Doctor: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao

Master: What did you do?

Doctror: A MISTAKE

Master: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone*

Doctor : Hey, Master, how was your day?

Master: *picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Doctor * Hell.

Donna, watching this unfold: *whispers* Who hurt you?

Master: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them

Doctor : *looks at Donna*

Doctor : Baby girl. Baby.

Doctor : *looks at Master*

Doctor : Evil.

Donna: Master, what do you have?

Master: A KNIFE!

Donna: Okay, have fu-

Doctor : NO!

Master: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.

Doctor: Actually, Master, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

Donna: I’m here for the cult stuff.

Master: How did you find us?

Donna: I saw your ad on craigslist.

Master: I’m not lazy, I just find it hard to put effort into things I’m not passionate about.

Donna: What are you passionate about?

Master: Sleeping

Master: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

Donna: If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT!

Master: ...

Doctor: Hopefully the Master has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.

Master: Oh, shut up and die Doctor.

Master: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.

Master: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

Donna: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

Master, eyes wide: I know what I saw.

Master: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Master: *punches wall*

Master:

Master: Take me to the hospital.

Master: Just because I'm too short to reach the lowest self in the cabinet doesn't mean you shouldn't watch out for your kneecaps.

Donna: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

Doctor: Hey, are you okay?

Donna: Yeah.

Doctor: You don't look okay...

Donna: Then stop looking.

Donna: How many kids do you have?

Doctor: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

Doctor: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.

Donna: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky, they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

Donna: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Master: Literally or figuratively?

Donna: I have to specify?

Master: Okay okay stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.

Doctor: ...My man, Master just killed a goldfish.

Master: *licking their lips* Yup. Delicious.

Doctor: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste

Donna: We got spring water

Doctor: NO.

Master: with EXTRA minerals

Donna: it's like licking a stalagmite

Doctor: DON'T COME HOME.

Master: Mmmmm cave water

Donna: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Doctor: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

Doctor: Donna, can I talk to you for a second?

Donna: Yeah, what’s up? Lemme guess. You and the Master are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?

Doctor: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I’ve read books.

Doctor: If Donna and I were drowning, who would you save?

Master: You two can swim…

Donna: It's a hypothetical question, Master! who would you save?

Master: my time and effort.

Donna: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Master: They do.

Doctor: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Master: If you had to choose between the Doctor and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Donna: That depends, how much money are we taking about?

Doctor: Donna!

Master: 63 cents.

Donna: I'll take the money.

Doctor: DONNA!!!

Doctor: I hardly slept last night
Donna: When you can’t sleep, it means someone is thinking about you. Someone who loves you.
Doctor: Who would be thinking about me at 3 a.m.?
Master: [gay panic]

Donna: Doctor, is that a hickey? 
Doctor: It’s just a mosquito bite. 
Master: *walks in the room*
Donna: How’s it going, mosquito.

Master: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Doctor: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Master: Absolutely not.

Doctor: Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You’re the faster one.
Master: Erm... it’s nice see your smile when you win!

*later*
Doctor: They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they

Donna: Only just figuring that out now?

Donna: Man, I only ever see you awake, do you ever shut down or stop running?

Doctor: Oh, I’m always running

Doctor: The question is from what

Master: I actually have a black belt.

Donna: In what, karate?

Master: No, from Gucci.

Donna: I like your top, Master!
Doctor: I have a name, you know.
Master: *sighs* Why. Why are you like this.

Doctor *is wearing silk pants* How does this look?
Master: Like its slips on and off really easily.
Doctor: 
Master: No, I didn't mean it like that-
Donna: We know what you meant.

Doctor: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Master: Thank you

Doctor: I didn't say that was a good thing

Master: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

Master: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

Master: So that’s my plan.

Donna: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.

Master: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.

Donna: It fucking sucks.

Master: That’s not constructive criticism.

Doctor: Three words. Say them and I'm yours.

Master: Three words.

Doctor:

Doctor: I made tea.

Master: I don’t want tea.

Doctor: I didn’t make tea for you. This is my tea.

Master: Then why are you telling me?

Doctor: It’s a conversation starter.

Master: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Doctor: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

Doctor, trying to cheer the group up: Things could be worse, you know!

Donna: How?

Doctor: How what?

Donna: How could they be worse?

Doctor: They couldn’t, I lied.

Donna: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you

Master: 10 times 0 is still 0 though

Donna: Jokes on you, I can't do math

Master: What’s up guys? I’m back.

Doctor: What the- you can’t be here. You’re dead. I literally saw you die.

Master: Death is a social construct.

Doctor: Am I going too far?

Master: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

Doctor: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Donna: How can you still say that?

Doctor: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Master: Fool me once, I’m gonna kill you

Doctor: Not trying to brag or anything, but I can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so...

Master, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Doctor: You did WHAT–

Donna: William Snakepeare

Doctor: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million gold?

Donna: You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a big-ass house.

Master: You can stab me too, then we'll have 20 million.

Donna: Good thinking.

Donna: You have to apologise to the Doctor

Master: Fine.

Master: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

Doctor: Dandelions symbolise everything I want to be in life

Donna: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Doctor: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Master: edible

Donna: What did you do with the body?

Master: What didn’t I do with the body?

Donna:

Master: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the corpse respectfully.

Donna: We need to get through this locked door. Doctor, give me your credit card.

Doctor: Here.

Donna, pocketing it: Thanks. Master, kick down the door.

Doctor: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Master: The cow???

Doctor: What?

Donna: Master, W H Y?

Doctor: HELP! I TOLD DONNA I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!

Master, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Donna: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Master: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Doctor: In that case, we're definitely lost.

Store Worker: Would a Mr. Doctor please come to the front desk?

Doctor, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker: points to the Master and Donna

Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?

Master and Donna, simultaneously: We got lost :(

Doctor: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

Master: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

Donna: We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.

Master: Scrabble? Scrabble's great.

Donna: Not when you're playing with the Doctor, it's not. They put words like "ephemeral" and I put "dog

[melonthesprigatito]

Had a fever dream last night that I thought was wildly entertaining. I can not for the life of me explain why I was so invested in it, but it was one of those dreams that I remember a lot of details of because it happened right before I woke up in the morning.

So, in the dream, it starts on a beach, yeah? Some big ass Pokéball has fallen from the sky. And I do mean BIGASS. You know that Basketball 2 Tumblr post?

It was like that but a bit bigger. So the military shows up with a few tanks and a bulldozer because this big thing fell from the sky onto a beach so OBVIOUSLY it must be a space craft or something and it needs to be moved. For tourism reasons.

Somebody objects to this because what if moving the big round space thing does something dangerous? And the general just laughs at him and the soldiers all point and laugh like they're characters in a freaking preschoolers show.

The general says, and I quote "What, it's not like it's going to unleash some giant terrifying monster!"

The bulldozer rolls the Pokéball over onto it's button and unleashes some giant terrifying monster.

It's a Flareon. A 60 foot tall Kaiju Flareon because it came out of a huge Pokéball. I believe my brain picked Flareon because I found my Comfy Friends plushie to hug yesterday because I'm currently going through a double whammy of a migraine and a cold.

Apparently nobody in this world knows what a Pokémon is so the army screams like little girls and opens fire. The Flareon gets really sad and scared because miscellaneous missiles and stuff being hurled at you hurts a lot so it runs off into the city and the army's like FUCK FUCK FUCK

Cue your average Kaiju movie scene, people running and screaming etc etc etc. Except Kaiju Flareon isn't malicious, it's just looking around at everything like :OOOO and :3. A dog starts barking at it and the Flareon mistakes this for play time and starts wagging it's tail and going "Arf arf arf :3" too, which scares the dog off and makes Flareon sad again.

Now there's a crowd of people standing around because the giant monster just exhibited suspiciously dog like behaviour and so far hasn't tried to hurt or eat anyone???? The only real damage so far is a couple of cars because it used them as chew toys and spat them out because they got oil in its mouth.

Flareon notices this crowd of people and is very excited because it reeeeeeally wants belly rubs. So it rolls onto it's back with it's legs dangling in the air, expecting belly rubs.

Nobody wants to go anywhere near it and Flareon gets ABSOLUTELY HEARTBROKEN, like, it specifically asked for belly rubs, why are none of these tiny Trainers giving it belly rubs??? 🥺 Did it do something bad????? 🥺🥺 Is she a bad Pokémon?????? 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I drew a diagram of this part because I just need to convey how absolutely sad this Flareon looked.

So one Brave or Stupid™ guy breaks out of the crowd like "I want to pet the giant monster" and people start trying to hold him back like NO DON'T PET THE GIANT MONSTER and the guy's like

So he stacks a bunch of random objects to make a staircase ala Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom to get up onto the Flareon and gives her the belly rubs. Flareon flips over onto her belly and accidentally squishes the dude but he is miraculously unharmed, and the entire crowd is like "Hey, this monster is basically a giant puppy!" and gives Flareon LOTS of head pats and now everybody is best friends. The military shows up again and people start yelling at them and calling them assholes for trying to hurt the big Flareon and so the military just... Goes home I guess???

So basically the whole Kaiju situation is resolved because the Public™ went "Big doggy :)" and basically adopted the Flareon as a city mascot and named it Big Floof. There's basically a montage of antics like Big Floof chasing a giant beach ball around at the seaside, getting escorted places by fire trucks, getting a huge dog bowl custom made for it etc etc etc

Then a fucking KAIJU SKARMORY maybe four times the Kaiju Flareon's size shows up out of the blue, and I anticipated a big battle because clearly Flareon has a type advantage and would want to defend its new home but my brain went "Nah".

What happened was that the military showed up again and the general yelled at the Kaiju Skarmory on a megaphone like "I'M CALLING YOUR MOTHER!" and unfortunately that's when I woke up and I was annoyed at that because I really want to find out how that would have went.

Who is this Skarmory's mother? Why would that threat work on a rampaging Kaiju? Would an even bigger Kaiju Skarmory have shown up like, idk, Cloverfield? I have so many questions.

Anyway I would have wanted to give the big fluffy doggy head pats as well

[multitrackdrifting]

Some people have asked me why I'm able to enjoy so much media and they don't assume that I'm uncritical of it or anything like that, they're just wondering why I barely ever let gripes bother me and it's because I think that sometimes in life we just need to enjoy something that's not that fundamentally life-changing but just fun. Like I think Konosuba has a stupid premise for example, but watching it is fun because it's like chewing cotton candy. I'm not expecting something thoughtful or progressive, I'm just trying to watch a band of idiots on their silly journey.

That's a lot of words to say that everyone should enjoy some mid media because even getting a marginal amount of entertainment in spite of something being flawed is still a worthwhile journey more often than not. Even if the only thing you take away was "wow I didn't like that" you still have a jump off point to talk about something with somebody else, I don't watch Riverdale thinking "wow this is the best written thing ever" but the absurdity is its own form of entertainment and being a person that knows about it has led to many long conversations with people explaining how wild that show gets.

I don't watch, read or engage with stuff looking to get the maximum impact out, sometimes my brain just needs something to chew on, even if it's ultimately unsatisfying or bad. I think we'd all be a lot happier seeking less perfection & accepting that sometimes it only takes one character or one scene or arc or something to ground it in our memories. Being "meaningful" or having "memorability" is not a function of flawless construction - usually something we like has pitfalls, but you don't have to justify that you are fully cognizant of the flaws of something you like all the time (granted, I do harp on my gripes with G-Witch but anyone who has spoken to me about it knows I loved watching it and still like it now). You don't have to feel paranoid that you come off as uncritical about something you like - unless it's like Hetalia then you probably should but pretty much everything else you're probably good just having a smile and enjoying what you enjoy. I think people assuming you aren't smart enough to recognise writing failures or flaws in something is more of a projection of their own moral standards unfairly unto someone else who isn't even doing wrong by saying "I like this flawed media without self-flagellating myself every time I mention it".

I think the internet fosters a sense of hyper-vigilance around "I like this thing that's stupid to others but please don't think I'm a bad person for that". To view other people in such absolute terms is to reject any interest in acknowledging their complexity as capacity for critical reflection, and that's why I have such a lax attitued about mostly anything and generally talk about things I like even if I do stop to complain about this or that, I don't think that proving I have a brain inside my head is a priority when I say "I liked watching this 6/10 show". The most simple concept is this: life is already really fucking hard, I am not trying to optimize my free time by watching the Citizen Kane of Cartoons all the time when I have 1-4 hours free per day after work.

[laatmaar]

S/N: RG-300-459-76-44

Okay so this is the first time I have ever written fanfiction for anything, or even just written any story this long, but fallen hero has quite the death grip on my brain. So truly any advice and such is appreciated. Anyway I'm absolutely fascinated by whatever the regenes and the farm has going on, and this is a little piece exploring sidestep's, or rather Matt's, first mission on the farm. I say little but it has a word count of 3K, be warned. Also be warned that this piece contains somebody being murdered, but nothing too extreme or unusual for fallen hero I think.

You stand before a door. This specific door is quite unassuming, it is brown and the dark patterns of shaky vertical lines interrupted with little ovals signal that it is made of wood. Which makes it quite unlike most doors you are acquainted with, but it is normal here. The door looks exactly like the doors you’ve seen in picture books.  Presumably, to hide anything out of the ordinary, anything horrible, insidious, dangerous, behind a passibly normal exterior. In short, Mr. Brown made it look like all the other doors in this hallway. You like this door. 

If all went well Mr. Brown will now be lying dead on the ground behind this door, and the only thing you will have to do is help unit 44 with disposal of the body. It has been a long day and your body feels heavy, there is a strange empty feeling in your stomach. You do not know what you expected of your first mission, but certainly not feeling so… tired. You place your hand on the doorknob. You turn the doorknob. You open the door.

"Oh, thank God!”

Mr. Brown moves toward you more quickly than you were prepared for. He only stops in his tracks when, presumably, the gun that is quite obviously pointed at his head catches his eye again. Mr. Brown is, evidently, not dead. You close your eyes, breathe out. You open your eyes. Unit 44, who you were quite sure should have killed Mr. Brown some five minutes ago according to the mission parameters you memorized over and over and over and over again, moves towards the door. It makes sure its gun never wavers from its target's head and shuts the door behind you. You hear the click of the door being locked.  

“Look I don’t care what goddamn government agency thought it worth to send a goddamn fucking regene to assassinate me or whatever but-”  Mr. Brown grabs your arm, in his thoughts you find only relief, and pulls you towards him “-surely you’re not programmed to kill innocent civilians.” At this he shakes your arm, which you’ve come to understand is actually quite a rude thing to do.

Unit 44’s face is impassive although the corner of its blue lip might’ve moved upward just a tiny bit. Its gun however has not moved at all. It looks you dead in the eye.

In your ear Mr. Brown whispers “Play along with me and we might both get out of this alive.” He leans even closer and unit 44 does not shoot him in the head. It should. “Trust me on this miss,” still whispering  “that thing is not human… blue skin and all that.” Places his hand on your shoulder, his mind churning with possible escape routes, “It’s a fucking ai but it will not kill us if they think it will cause a scandal… I’m sure.” His thoughts imply otherwise. “Just tell it your parents are nearby or something, I mean what are you sixteen.. seventeen?  Your parents must be nearby.”

You open your mouth to ask why unit 44 has not followed standard procedure, do missions normally deviate this much from the norm? You’re not sure you like the idea of that. Why is it that it has not shot Mr. Brown already, even though it had ample opportunity. His fingers are digging into your shoulder in a way that is really becoming uncomfortable and the desperation and fear in his mind make it difficult to think. You are tired. You remember that you should report to your handlers in about 10 minutes and how does unit 44 think it will ever complete the mission in time. You already relayed all information you gathered from Mr. Brown’s houseguests during the party to your handlers. You’ve already done your part, why is it refusing to just do its part. Why do you have to be part of this. However unit 44 says, “Close your mouth.” and you obey.

Unit 44 is after all the senior unit out of the two of you, and the most senior unit on a mission is in charge in the unlikely event that your handlers cannot be reached. You paid attention during the briefing. Your handlers cannot be reached because Mr. Brown went to great lengths to design this room. Sound-proof, signal-proof , everything-proof. A perfect room designed for complete privacy, something Mr. Brown is often in great need of. You have recently learned what the concept of ironic means and you think that it applies now. That this room should be his downfall, or at least was supposed to be if all went according to plan. If unit 44 had paid attention. It had not. You had seen its eyes wander.

“Killing an innocent human being is sure to cause a scandal!” Mr. Brown’s voice is pitched a bit higher than before, his fingers beginning to dig in painfully. That is going to leave a mark.

Now you’re sure, unit 44’s lips turn upwards. You do not know what it finds particularly funny, or where it even learned to smile. Smirk? Its gun aimed around two inches to the left of your face. At Mr. Brown’s mouth. Which is still moving.

“I know her,” he lies, “if she disappears” shaking you, again “her parents will be sure to raise hell! They’re important. Influential.” Those last words he emphasizes. You’ve learned that people will do this if they mean more than what they are actually saying. You however do not see the relevance or deeper meaning of your imaginary parents being important. His thoughts suggest that not even Mr. Brown is entirely sure what he means. He just needs to stay alive, from one second to the next. He knows he won’t be able to overpower the regene planted in front of the door, but.. he’s not dead yet. It is a miracle that he is not dead yet. You agree.  He is sure that you might be the reason why. He can use that. Talk his way out. He has talked his way out of failure and into success his entire life.

Mr. Brown talks and talks and there are still nine minutes remaining. His grip turning painful, and you just wish your pain gate would activate for more mundane matters than life threatening injuries. You need to finish this. Quickly.

You look at unit 44. Its lean body clad in a skin-tight suit and armour, its stance almost relaxed. Not quite, but almost. The heaviest armour is centered around its chest area, all its appendages left unobstructed. Under the armour the skinsuit peeks out, the black fabric making for a nice contrast against the blue skin of its neck. There continuing from the neck and covering its entire face are those patterns you are so familiar with, this time in a lighter blue instead of orange. All traces of what might’ve been a smile gone from its lips. Its eyes are still looking at you, expression once again completely neutral. It nods and lowers its gun just a bit.

“Restrain him,” it orders “on the floor, preferably.”

 You do not stop to question why unit 44 wants Mr. Brown restrained and not dead. Why it won’t just finish this job. Neatly. According to mission protocol. With a bullet, preferably. You do not question it because some irrational part of you is glad that it has lowered the gun. It might have decided to shift it about two inches to the right. Unit 44, you have suspected for some time, is unpredictable. At least the smile has not returned, that you can admit unnerved you.

Most of all you do not question it because you are glad to move. To take that hand from your shoulder and in one swift movement twist it around his back, kick his legs, push him into the ground, put your knee on his back, the other next to his hip, your free hand on his neck holding him down. This is a move you have practiced a hundred times. It is even easier than expected, normally your partners put up much more of a fight.

Mr. Brown lets out a yelp of surprise and pain. His mind is a potent mix of confusion, betrayal and fear. Mostly fear, there is something very wrong with the picture being painted. He has misinterpreted the situation, badly. But… since when did they put regenes in charge of people.

He makes an attempt at opening his mouth to ask, but you press his face into the ground and that gets the message through. He closes his mouth. On his neck your fingertips press down and the skin turns red. Your own shoulder aches and you squeeze, just a bit.

Unit 44 has moved next to you. Its eyes finally leave you and shift a bit to the right, so that it’s not looking down at you but Mr. Brown instead. Gun pointed to the side. It looks like it's contemplating something but its mental defenses are better than Mr. Brown’s and you are still so tired. Then in a move that should not surprise you as much as it does, it kneels next to you. Nothing should surprise you when it comes to unit 44. Still you cannot help the question forming on your lips when it replaces your hand on Mr. Brown’s neck and hands you the gun. “Well,” it says, and nobody should have taught it to smile. It’s misusing the ability entirely, nothing about this situation is funny. “time is running out. Shoot him.”

You feel your shoulders tense and your right shoulder ache. The gun feels slippery in your hands. The temperature in the room has not risen even a degree since you’ve entered it and yet your hands are sweating. An uncomfortable heat spreading through your body as you look at unit 44, that stupid smile still on its face. Its expression still so calm. Your jaw aches with the effort it takes you to not open your mouth and say something. Anything. Scream. You don’t know.

Eight minutes remaining, and approximately a second has passed since unit 44 gave you the order. Mr. Brown’s thoughts are quickly turning from incomprehension to panic. He struggles under your knee and unit 44’s strong hands. Hurting himself. His panic full blown now, and maybe his thoughts are the reason you can’t seem to think straight on this matter. The fact that your hand is trembling without your input. Mr. Brown should have been dead for ten minutes already. His breathing ragged, and he might be crying. “Goddammit you’re human you don’t have to listen to it!” he screams. You shoot.

There is something unpleasant about the way blood drops roll down your face. You’ve experienced many new situations and sensations today. You don’t want to experience anything else ever again. You want to go home. You never want to leave this room.

For the last minute or so unit 44 has been opening different cabinets and drawers in search of something, you don’t particularly care what for. You have been sitting next to a corpse. His eyes still open, staring at you. You stare back, and in the corner of your eyes you see unit 44 approaching. It hands you a packet of wet wipes and makes a gesture at your face. You obediently wipe your face, your makeup coming off. The lipstick has mixed with blood and turned a bright red, it was supposed to be a neutral colour. Presentable, but not attracting attention. While the other units were putting on armour they had dressed you in a nice off colour white dress, now ruined. They had shaved your face and applied all sorts of cosmetics. You don’t know exactly what. They had made what, you gathered from the laughter, were supposed to be jokes. Something about if only they had prettier models and the money they could make. They had sent you off to a party, and you had completed your task. As unit 44 should have completed its.

It is fiddling with the closure of your dress. At your questioning look it shows you some kind of gel. “For your shoulder,” it clarifies. It has gotten the button open and pulls the zipper down. There in contrast to the bruised skin on your shoulder the orange tattoos appear completely unblemished. Nothing ever damages that familiar pattern. You quickly reach out and close Mr. Brown’s eyes. Unit 44 looks at you for a moment, and you feel your face heat up. It has no right to judge you, but it merely smiles. Blue patterns moving.

It puts some of that translucent gel on your shoulder and, far more gently than you think is medically necessary, begins spreading it out. Looking back you should’ve known something like this would happen. You should’ve known because unit 44 had not been paying attention to the briefing. Because it had looked distracted when putting on armour. Because two days before the mission it had not been as efficient as it could’ve been at training. It had hesitated and you had not let it out of your sight since. You should have known because small disobediences lead to bigger disobediences later on. You lean back, just a bit, into her cool fingers. Its cool fingers. Its blue fingers. The same colour your bruise is beginning to take on, and that was not your thought. You feel sick to the stomach, and you are so tired and you never wanted to have anything to do with this in the first place. You did your job, and so you stand up.

You begin trying to zip up your dress, and you must look like an idiot when you can’t reach the zipper. You take Mr. Brown’s jacket from the desk chair and put that over your shoulders instead. A small burst of panic shoots through you. There are only two minutes remaining.

Your first mission is a complete failure, two minutes isn’t enough time. The blood pools beneath Mr. Brown’s head seeping into the wooden flooring. It is splattered on the walls, and on your dress. On your hands. You do not have enough time to clean it all.

Unit 44 makes no attempt to move from where it’s still seated on the floor. It looks relaxed in the way it’s leaning back on its hands looking at you, observing you. It looks resigned, like it does not care about any of this. Does not care about the consequences of not following mission protocols. Does not care about Mr. Brown lying dead on the floor eleven minutes too late. Does not care about you. You suppose its actions have proven that it doesn’t.

Under your gaze unit 44 finally stands up.

“We have one minute,” it states. “Now tell me exactly, what did it feel like?”

For the first time in quite a while you open your mouth and speak.  

It is only in Dr. Morgan’s office in preparation for your second mission that you dare to subtly ask about unit 44. Of course she knows many unit 44’s, 44 being only the last two numbers of a longer serial number, but she seems to understand which one you’re talking about.

“Hmmm, I get why you would be anxious about working with that particular unit again. After that disaster of a mission last time.” You had known it was a disaster, you had not known everybody else thought so too. “That it would wait to kill that Brown figure for so long, and then to do it so messily too.” It had taken the fall, you had suspected as much. “I had already said to Marcus there is something wrong with that unit. He even acknowledged it in that irritating way he always does, but actually listen? No. Never.” 

She is not truly talking to you, merely monologuing to herself and you are an unfortunate victim. This is why you asked her. She likes hearing herself talk, and her colleagues do not like listening. 

“He was all like let’s see where this goes. It would be a shame to have to start over again, blah blah blah. I said the nice thing about regenes is that we get to start over again. Its body is young and we can simply reuse it. Let’s just get it over with, but no. One more mission.” You wonder how many units had heard her complain about this in the days preceding the mission. Whether unit 44 might’ve. “So one disaster of a mission later and now it’s been decommissioned all the same. Marcus still won’t admit I was right though. Asshole.”

Unit 44 is dead. She walks over to you and injects something in your upper right arm. The bruise on your shoulder has healed faster than a normal human bruise would. You’re beginning to miss it.

“Well anyway its chip has been taken apart, and you won’t have to worry about ever working with it again. Sounds good?”

There is something ugly and sour rising in your throat. You force your face in approximation of a gentle smile and nod.

Later when you’re in the dorms lying on your stomach on your bed, you wait and listen. It is deep in the night and you’ve waited very patiently until you’re sure that most of the others are asleep. Or at least that the ones still awake are not paying any attention to you. You’re pretty sure you look convincingly asleep, you have not moved an inch in two hours. Your telepathy is not as strong as others, so you play defense instead.

In your mind you open the door. Step into the room. Lock the door behind you (unit 44 is not there to pick up the slack anymore). Check the room for anything unusual (ignore the body). Feel your own body on the mattress, muscles relaxing. Keep at it for another two hours. Convince yourself you have obtained some fraction of privacy. Some fraction of Mr. Brown’s room, his dead eyes never having left you. Only then, when you’re balancing on the edge of consciousness just about to fall asleep, do you allow yourself to imagine; her blue fingers spread out against your shoulder.

[thingstotellthem]

this is very long. sorry.

i don't even know where to start, honestly. i hate you so so much. i'm sorry i fucked up. i want you to die. i hope you live a happy and peaceful life. i know i did bad things to you, which i didn't realise at the time. and i'm genuinly sorry for that. i just really wish you'd get that you were constantly hurting me, too. you were so emotionally abusive. i wrote poems about it. about you. countless poems. it's hard to put into words, but poems allow me to become incoherent and metaphorical, and that helps. so. here's some of them. (a title, if a poem has one, is in italics.)

theres so many things i wanna say to you

but at the same time

do you actually deserve knowing?

i hope you love yourself as much as i hate you

i hate you i hate you i hateyou ihateyoui hateyouihateyouiateuaeu

every time i feel bad, my brain screams.

STOP FEELING BAD OR I WILL KILL MYSELF

STOP BEING SAD OR I WILL DIE

STOP BEING SO PESSIMISTIC OR I WILL KILL ME ON YOUR BEHALF

JUST STAY POSITIVE OR IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT

STOP WORRYING ME OR YOU WILL BE GUILTY

STOP OR IM DEAD

STOP

STOP STOP

STOP OR IM DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT

and it haunts me. its been haunting me all the time. i was shaking and crying and i thought id get a text telling me youre dead the next day.

MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP PLEASE MAKE THE ANXIETY STOP IT HURTS HURTS HURTS IM SO SCARED SO SCARED SO AFRAID SCARED AFRAID HURT CRYING SCREAMING BAD BAD BAD

sometimes i wish you were dead so i know that you wont die.

am i a victim? are you? was this all real? did you even hurt me? is this reality or am i gaslighting myself? are you to blame?

yes, i fucked up and im sorry. but its not my fault that im like this. its yours. yours alone. YOURS ITS ALL YOURS. I DIDNT CHOOSE TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I DIDNT CONSENT TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE. I NEVER EVER WANTED TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE YOU CANT JUST CHOOSE ME AND IGNORE ALL THE OTHER HAPPY SOURCES WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME IT HURTS IT HURTS ITS TOO MUCH HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO BE YOUR HAPPY SOURCE WHEN I CANT EVEN BE MY OWN

am i truly a victim? are my feelings valid? are they real? are they the one to blame? are my memories real? is anything at all real? am i real? is reality real? what is real? what is valid? what is justified and what is not? are my feelings? are theirs?

sometimes i wonder why you never comforted me when i had to comfort you all the time. were you too hurt to be a therapist for two people? i was, and i still comforted you.

Sometimes I wonder;

And what is, that you thought of me?

What is, that you think now?

yk, sometimes.. sometimes i want to forgive. i want to hug you, hold you close to me, tell you it’s okay. that i forgive you. sometimes i want tender moments between us, i want to kiss you softly and forget all the bad we did to eachother. sometimes i really want to. but in the end, all the pain you brought me holds me back, and all i can do is hate you.

You asked me why I didn’t like mashed potatoes, and I threw up the sand you forced me eat. You asked me why I never initiated to hang out, and I cut my head open, spilling all the maggots eating away at my brain back into your hands. You asked me why I always was sad, and I slashed my wrists, staring at the blood sweeping out, and you asked me why I was dying when there were flowers in my bones.

I keep thinking about what we were.

Why can’t I write it into poetry?

Why are you wasting the space in my brain?

Why did you never understand me in the way I understood you?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever think about what you’ve done?

mirror, mirror, on the wall

how broken you must’ve been

to hurt me with the same words

they’ve hurt you

dirty love

our love was waiting until somebody made a move

it was silence and anxiety

it was guilt, so much guilt and embarassment

it was only loving because we couldn’t love ourselves, because we couldn’t love anyone else in the world

it was bottling up feelings and never talking

it was hurt, oh, so hurt and pained

it was holding hands even though we both hated physical contact, but it was all we had

it was sitting beside eachother, wanting to cuddle and still never doing so

it was quiet lunch at yours and loud dinner at mine

it was waiting until somebody made a move

it was until i did

until i broke up our dirty love

because i realised i couldn’t love someone who i don’t love

not even if i pretend

not even if i want to

and that’s what made our love so dirty

it wasn’t ours

it was yours

Sorry

I’m sorry.

It was all my fault.

I stopped believing in the stars

After you told me you did

Because I couldn’t be you—

Then they fell down and killed us.

Please don’t ever forgive me.

Don’t forget me.

Forget what you felt,

But not what I did.

Please take it all with you

And make sure nobody ever hurts you again.

Love fades into hate so quickly

Do you hurt when you think of me?

Do you regret?

Do you hate me?

Do you cry?

Do you feel miserable?

Do you want to die?

Because that’s how I feel about you,

And when I think of what I’ve done,

I desperately hope it’s the same for you.

that's not even all of them yet, just my favorites, the ones i might actually publish one day. i could fill a thousand books with a thousand pages each, all for you, and it still wouldn't be enough. i can't even properly write down my feelings. i hate you, but i still care about you, and i'm convinced that only one of us should walk this earth at the same time. i hope it can be me. still, deep down in my heart, the affection i once had for you hopes it's you. i don't know myself anymore. it's destroying me. you're destroying me. i hope to fucking god that you just die already. i think. i'm not sure. you're still making me question reality. i hate that we share the same friends, and if i told them about your abuse, i'd have to tell them about the toxic things i did, and they'd have to choose between us and live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives. so you've rendered me unable to do anything. i want to fucking scream. whenever i think of you, i get so angry. so angry with myself, with you, with us, with what we were, and weren't, and wanted to be. i know most of your abuse wasn't intentional, but it still left me traumatized. i haven't forgiven you, and i never will. and i'm so mad at myself, at you, because i really fucking wish you could live with that knowledge forever but my trauma is still so bad that i feel the need to throw up from the guilt of making you kill yourself when only thinking about telling you anything of what i feel.

[delusion-of-negation]

so this asshole pulled the ol' reblog and block, which usually I will simply ignore and go about my day, but this cunt, this utter waste of an internet connection, decided to say that I, an autistic person, was calling them "retarded" above. can you point to where in my post I say the word retarded? this fuck cannot read omfg.

fuck it, let's break this down bit by bit, so you can waste even more people's time with your complete lack of grey matter.

"you could like, bother to ask instead of accusing and going off the rails like a wildcat in heat."

I literally said "I'm being melodramatic for comedic effect but dear fucking god." right there in my reblog. the "wildcat in heat" aspect was a joke. what wasn't a joke was being tired of people refusing to understand my posts then co-opting them for their bullshit. I linked you to posts explaining this and more of my beliefs.

"people believe that suffering is a good thing. people believe that suffering is deserved, and that anyone who circumvents this is a horrible person. people are supposed to suffer. this is a cultural norm: literally, suffering makes you a better person."

crying and screaming and punching walls. my dude. I explained things to you. take a step back. what puts ideas like that in their heads? what manipulates people into accepting the suffering it bestows upon them? why do you keep individualising systemic issues? oh right it's because the system tells you to.

this is fucking stupid. you're stupid. you see people being told they deserve to suffer, then being made to suffer, and then you go "it's their fault they're suffering. they should fix it themselves."

again, you said "they're voluntarily choosing to suffer". my dude.

"you are engaging in it right now, flinging all kinds of filth here and going off the rails instead of bothering to USE YOUR BRAIN, as you say."

"flinging filth"? the jokes. the jokes I said were jokes. born out of frustration because people keep saying dumb shit on my posts?

also, calling a mentally ill person "off the rails" right before...

"would you like to clarify why you think stupidity, retardation, is a good insult on a post about disability?"

would you like to explain why you said kanye was right? I can't believe you said kanye was right on my post. disgusting. lmao.

this is literally a "when did you stop beating your wife?"

"why you can't control yourself, and feel the need to act like this? why you expect your violence to have a good effect---"

VIOLENCE?? ASDFGHJKL

god you're so fucking stu- sorry. I forgot, you think autistic people are stupid. you're so fucking poo poo head.

also, violence is pretty effective. like, dislike it all you want but if you'd been punched in the face every time you looked at my blog you'd be out of my hair by now.

why is insulting you indication that somebody's capacity is at all diminished from its usual level? maybe I just think you're a cunt.

"oh, it's because people believe suffering makes you a better person. violence is good."

violence is great lmao. I love pub fights. you don't seem to know much about me so here's the thing, I've got many posts about it being fucking idiotic to have black and white morality that sees violence as a conversation-ender. sometimes a bitch won't leave you alone in the pub so you slap him. but it's even more idiotic to perceive it like that when you think "learn to read" is violence.

also I've never said suffering makes you better. for example, it is morally wrong by every standard worth its salt that I must suffer through reading your bullshit. I'm doing it because it's fun.

anyway, stop projecting shit on me, especially weird moralising bullshit that I clearly don't think, to suit your dumb narrative.

"why does joe shmuck think he needs to blame the disabled people, instead of realizing that they can't stand in line?"

because they're a visible display of someone getting what he-

"because suffering is good, and if you can't tolerate the suffering, you should not be able to get the thing you want. only the good people who come out of the suffering as morally better deserve to be rewarded. can't get something for nothing, yeah?"

okay there freud let's tone this down like a lot.

"for some weird reason you don't think joe schmuck should have to use his brain?"

learn. to. read.

"he's not the worst person ever for following exactly what he's told and telling you you're a vile evil miscreant worthy of death?"

jesus fucking christ, now you're putting words in an imaginary man's mouth I can't. I actually don't know how you're this far gone.

"is it that you think he's too stupid to understand any of this? that's incredibly hateful of you to think about literally everyone in the world."

if literally everyone in the world is telling you that you're a vile evil miscreant worthy of death, maybe it's your toxic personality? I can't tell if you genuinely think you're saying something worth hearing but, if you think it is, at least proof read it before you hit send, because errors like that are pretty avoidable. it's a sentence apart, dude. it characterised what joe schmuck thinks as "you're a vile evil miscreant worthy of death" and then followed it up by asserting everyone on earth is joe schmuck. oh my god.

"nobody can possibly understand you or think about other people because they're being told to think something else? they don't have thoughts and beliefs of their own, they're just drones following "corporations"? there's no overarching system telling people why all this has to be the way it is?"

"it's systemic. it's systems. it's corporations. stop blaming fucking individuals. you sound like the idiots who talk about fucking carbon footprints." literally the first paragraph of my reply dude.

also, nice job displaying your bias against me. when I say "this is systemic" that's me saying "nobody can think for themselves", if I explain one system, capital, that's me saying people are drones following corporations, but you then say immediately that there's systems. again, these are one sentence apart. proof read your shit.

"puritanism and calvinism, the basis of most modern christianity, DO NOT EXIST???"

yeah, I'm sure the concert venue doesn't build more entrances because they think god wants people to wait in line outside, and definitely not because doing so and hiring the staff and security would cost money. you sure cracked this mystery.

"fundyism is not a thing worldwide in any religion whatsoever? MAN that's the world i want to live in"

quick question: does your government have separation of chruch and state? mine doesn't.

"nah, people don't ever think that suffering makes you a better person or that demand you should stop crying before i give you a reason to cry."

this pisses me off because I've talked at length on my blog about being an abuse survivor; you coming and parroting common shit abusers say at random people, while falsely accusing them of saying shit they never said, and generally being a cunt, is not- you know that's not okay, right? like, you know you're a cunt?

"nobody ever in the history of the world has grown up in a culture that normalizes abuse, normalizes suffering, as something to be proud of. nobody one ups each other with how terrible their lives are, how much sleep they haven't gotten! that would be fuckin WEIRD, imagine living like that! braggin about how much you've worked this week? how many meals you had to skip?"

and your decision is to blame the people victimised by that kind of system for having the thoughts it implants in their brains, and for being too immobilised by it to repair it single-handedly.

"how you're too proud to apply for welfare and won't use SNAP because that's for grubby leeches? WILD."

I'm on benefits. I know clarifying the joke apparently doesn't work on you, but this is a play on your blog title being general you btw.

"disabled people aren't ever told that their suffering is for a greater purpose or that they aren't suffering enough to be allowed accommodations. NEVER."

I have talked about the issue of means testing in multiple threads, in fact one I linked you to above was specifically about that.

"i'm not shocked you're so free with insulting people who have trouble reading. is this like a thing with you? disabled people are funny? illiteracy and people who are denied those opportunities are funny?"

you know that I know you're not actually illiterate, right? because of the whole "we're talking by writing and reading" thing? the reason it's a funny insult is because you can't grasp the simple ideas being conveyed to you, and because you're an asshole. and I don't feel guilty about using it as one because I know for sure the illiterate people aren't reading this to be upset by it anyway.

"insulting people is great praxis because comparing them to the unwashed masses shows how pure your blue blood is?"

I'm not draco malfoy, I'm not american, I've never even been to america, and I don't insult people as "praxis", I insult them if they piss me off personally. you're annoying, you're a cunt, you suck. nothing about that is activism, I don't do everything I do with a moralising equation in the back of my mind. sometimes you're actually just being a cunt and somebody will tell you as much. I genuinely don't know why you're trying to imply I'm well off and looking down upon the poor, considering I've linked you to crap about applying for and being on benefits - then again, I can tell you're too lazy to read that, because otherwise you'd know that I don't live in america given details therein.

"are you doing this because you always act like this and call it social commentary or is it because you're not slamming your head hard enough to get back to a clean slate where you can install some praxis that doesn't focus on hatewhoring?"

woah woah woah. I have amnesia. and some people have head injuries. are you making fun of that? good sir. how dare. shocked and, frankly, horrified that you would do this.

again, it's not praxis, it's just that you suck.

"with all due respect i did not think i needed to explain what an "example" is, but if you truly do not understand please ask."

are you making fun of stupid, or as you call them "retarded", people?

"i do think you're just reaching here to say nasty things, because again, making people suffer makes them better."

no, it's because you said dumb shit on my post. I was joking about in my frustration at that. if it made you suffer... that's wild. not my intent, but I can't say I'm disappointed. but was it praxis or was it vindictive? can you get your story straight? for me, it was neither. you annoyed me so I jokingly casually lightly insulted you, I've been consistent about my motive from the start lmao. you making it some weird personal bid to make you a better person or some shit is... kinda creepy? like, idk how to tell you that you are a stranger and I am not personally involved with you or invested in you. you pissed me off with some dumb shit, that's all. I made a few jokes at your expense as a result - that's literally it.

"it's why hateful content drives engagement so much more and why you chose to focus on hate yourself here instead of actual substance."

no, I linked to substance. bags and bags of substance. I said you suck because you suck.

"being upset at an example is like complaining that i'm "going off topic" when i use a metaphor to explain a point."

it's amazing. I'm communicating with an illiterate person via writing. they said it couldn't be done.

"i truly did think everyone would be familiar with the concept of glorifying suffering, i guess that's my bad for overestimating the company here."

you also suck at insults. and it's funny because you spent so long up there condemning the very implications you proceed to make. was that projection all along? you're ableist? like, I was joking when I said that you thought autistic people were stupid, but you actually do. and you're actually trying to call me autistic here, which I am. like, was that why you jumped on my post in the first place? to annoy autisic people? maybe this is why everyone hates you.

"failing familiarity, i did at least believe people would have the common courtesy to ASK instead of going off on batshit asshole rants of accusation."

pot, this is kettle. at least mine was a joke.

"you're behaving exactly like fanatic christian preachers, seeing demons everywhere and frothing at the mouth like people did to that "couch guy" who was surprise visited by his girlfriend and still gets harassed to this day by strangers."

me? seeing demons? I said a venue wasn't building more ways in because of money. you said everyone in the queue wants you to suffer and glorifies suffering and chooses to keep the queue as a thing so that they can suffer and wants you to suffer with them. which, of those two options, is really seeing demons?

"has it occurred to you that you treat people the exact same way that you complain about in your op?"

no, because I don't lmao. you're just reaching to pretend that some stranger online insulting you in response to you being a dick (in that characterising everyone how you did and blaming people for their own suffering and talking to me how you did are all peak dick behaviours) is the same as that dickish caricature you wrongly described others as. you projecting that onto me, after I dare tell you that projecting it onto others is also incorrect and cruel, neither surprises me nor makes me at all inclined to believe your absurdity. I talked about improving the system. I want to improve the system. I am not the system. nowhere on my post did I say we should hold it over individual people's heads that they're ultimately flawed or snide or whatever - it's YOU who believes that shit, it's you who twists any flaw or pain or rude action into this absurd freudian nonsense about people wanting to suffer and inflict suffering (which you believe because you massively stretch the fact that the system coerces people into glorifying and seeing virtue in the suffering it inflicts), and now you see that demon everywhere. it just shows that I was right, you didn't understand my post and you refuse to actually think deeper than "bad people". a mentally and physically disabled person telling you that you weren't characterising their post correctly, and making a few jokes that they said were jokes along the way, gets called ableist because you say autistic people are stupid with zero self-awareness and then project that onto me, in an attempt to frame me maliciously and discredit me, and so it doesn't surprise me that you squash me into your absurd worldview even when it so clearly doesn't fit. the reach here relies on assuming that I said what I said with a desire to make you suffer - an allegation that should obviously be incorrect if you were capable of thinking in anything but the demonisation of individual people. or even, simply, capable of reading.

"worse, really, based on all this, and it's clearly not a fluke from your proud links up there. just, ew. my mistake assuming you were a better person than you clearly are. i imagine you'll be glad to have thoroughly corrected my view of you."

you didn't read the links then. most were perfectly amicable. one was somebody also not understanding what you refuse to think critically about, and arguing with me. one was a long thing about why means testing is dangerous. but I suppose it's easier to not read and/or to lie about the content therein, huh?

but here you are again, moralising. the goodness of a person is determined by how politely they engage on tumblr. their value is mathematical and found by how nice they are to you. obscene.

I'm a cunt. I'm kind, but I'm not nice. I fight, I drink, I curse, and I insult pricks like you, because I'm human. you're a wokescold. a tone-policing obsessed asshole, who views the world as baddies doing battle with goodies, and the issues therein are the result simply of the baddies, and all trapped within the system who haven't kissed your boots are the baddies. I was right about you.

every time I get to skip a queue because I'm disabled, I think back to my one guardian using that as one example of how actually it's marginalised people who are privileged. ma'am, it's because I can't stand up for that long. and it's trans privilege that I once got given vip passes, as the only working gender neutral toilet was in the vip area of the club. ma'am, it's so that I didn't get beaten up. ma'am, it's not a privilege for somebody to do something nice for you that is aiming to circumvent a danger you're subjected to. I can't skip a queue now without thinking "I wonder how many people are bitter that I can do this because they're standing in the cold for an hour", and then I think that the solution to these situations should never be to harm me, it would be to improve the venue's entrance (more metal detectors, etc) and waiting area (cover, places to sit, etc) so that the waiting experience doesn't suck enough to make anybody feel bitter upon seeing someone skip it for the sake of their health. and I don't even ask to skip btw, it's just protocol in a lot of places, and they let those with you skip it too so that you're not separated.

[sugarmaiiu]

Fuck You, Billy. (Part 3)

Part One

Pairing Billy Hargrove x reader

Time Frame: between season 2 and 3 / October 1984 (Billy hasn't gotten his Lifeguard job yet)

Warnings: t/w rough handling, unadmitted consent, semi-lemon (unprotected)

Word Count: 7.7k

First Person POV

a/n: Hi everyone! This is going to be the last part of the Fuck You, Billy series. Anything I write for Billy x fem reader will most likely use this as background knowledge so if I get a request for Billy x fem reader, consider it as a side part for this series. I've really enjoyed coming back to Tumblr after writers block and getting all this love from the community so thank you so much! NOW to address the text at hand, I wanted to make it long so I could wrap it up. As a thank you from the support I've gotten I included a little bit of spice, some lemon perhaps. So buckle up, and get ready cause its show time!

I didn't expect Billy to stick around.

It's been a month since Billy blackmailed me into being his pretend girlfriend, and like now, Billy is still there everyday waiting for me by his car to pick me up after school.

"Took you long enough," he said taking a puff of his cigarette.

"It's Friday, you can afford to wait," I said, "Besides we still have to wait on Max, so don't you start giving me that tough guy bullshit."

He waited till I was right in front of him to blow out his smoke in my face. It smelt terrible and I couldn't help but cough up a lung when he did it.

He was laughing, but still kept his smug composure, "How many times do I have to tell you that you should watch that mouth of yours when you speak to me."

I was still coughing when I flipped him off, only earning myself more laughs from him in response.

"You'll never win me over when you do that kind of shit, " I said when I could finally breathe again. He rolled his eyes and put it out.

"C'mon let's go," he said putting his cigarette out on the concrete.

"What about Max?"

"I already warned her ahead of time, she'll find another way home. Let's go."

Once we got on the road I looked at him in curiosity. I know him, and I know that he must have had some reason to why he shooed off Max.

He said looking at me from the corner of his eye, "For somebody who claims they hate me so much, you sure do stare at me a lot."

"C'mon Billy cut the shit, where we going?"

"Nosey aren't you? You saying you don't trust me?"

"I don't trust any guy with a mullet," I said with a smirk, knowing it'd get a reaction out of him.

He nodded his head and I could see him mouth the word 'Wow', "I'll remember that."

"Good for you, I'm surprised that brain of yours can remember anything at all."

He kept nodding his head with a smile, saying nothing back for a moment, "And here I was about to tell you where we're heading, but I don't remember anymore baby, so guess we'll both just find out when we get there, won't we?."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah alright, but I'm not getting out of this car if you take me someplace weird."

On the way, I thought about that dinner I had with Billy's family the first day all this started between me and him. The whole family, including myself, ate in complete silence. I thought at least Max and her mom, Susan, would talk when Neil had gone back to his chair in the living room after scoffing down his meal, but the dinner table remained speechless.

I will never forget the way Billy looked that night.

He looked broken and letdown, but I could tell that he was just holding out for the sake of not embarrassing himself. He drove me back home in silence that night too, and he didn't even tell me bye once I got out the car. He simply drove off.

I thought for sure he was going to rid of me, but when I saw him waiting for me outside of school the next day, he acted as if nothing ever happened. I haven't been back at his house since and all I could ask myself is 'what happened outside between him and his dad that night.'

Whatever it was, it really affected Billy.

I tried everything to step away from Billy after that night; after I realized how horrible it would be to be involved in his life.

I refused to take a ride home from him day after day, but he'd just show up at my house while my dad was at work. I only spoke to him in very dry responses, but he'd continue to talk to me anyways. I even tried to give him back the clothes he bought for me, but the next day I found them in the mailbox.

After a week of going on like this he still stayed by my side and tried to stop me everyday after school to give me a ride home.

My heart couldn't take it anymore, seeing how much he was putting in to getting my attention back, so I finally just gave in and took the damn ride home.

Though one weird thing I noticed is that he completely stopped touching me. I was curious to why Billy had stopped, but if I was honest I kind of missed it. I caught myself blushing every time I thought about his legs rubbing in between mine, as he pinned me down to my own bed to do it.

I am full of gross self loathing shame for enjoying it.

I know myself, so I knew that if I was aboard his train before, I was definitely on now. Though not only was I just aboard, I was strapped into my seat. I don't think I could break out of it, even if I went at it with full force.

If the Billy Hargrove Express was going to crash, I'd be going down with it.

Billy handed me a bandana, breaking me away from my thoughts, "Put this over your eyes, don't complain about it either," he said.

"Wait why?"

"Jesus, just put the damn thing on. I just said don't give me shit for it."

I looked at him strangely, but took the bandana from his hands regardless. "I don't trust you at all just so you know. I'm only doing it because, knowing you, you'll probably stop us in the middle of the road again, like some lunatic, till I do."

"Damn straight I will, so hurry up and put it on," he said smiling at my comment.

I took a deep breath before tying the cloth around my eyes, completely blinding myself to where we were heading. As much as I give Billy shit, I do actually at least trust him enough to not be some raging serial killer like Ted Bundy.

Billy turned the music up in the car a little bit louder, making it to where all sound I could hear was he music around us.

It gave me shivers not knowing where we were going and having my senses taken away.

I take it back, maybe he could be another Ted Bundy.

If he was a serial killer, I'd be dead. Due to the smooth way the car traveled across the road and the sheer darkness from the blindfold, I fell asleep.

I woke up to Billy picking me up out of my seat. His touch startled me awake and I reached for the blindfold that cover my eyes, out of panic. He grabbed my wrist to stop me.

"Hey, if I wanted you to see again, I'd already have taken it off," he said now cradling me in his arms.

"I can walk dipshit, put me down."

"Yeah but then I have to guide your ass, and as funny as it would be too see you wipe out on the ground, I'd rather us just get there as quickly as possible."

I huffed and wrapped my hands around his neck. Even though I couldn't see I knew he'd be smiling like the prick he was because he was getting his way.

"You still want down?", he asked after walking us around a few feet.

"Yes, now can you please just put me down."

"Whatever you say," he said before throwing me out of his arms. I let out a scream, afraid of not knowing how far I was being thrown. I was expecting to hit the ground, but almost immediately as my worry began, I crashed into a soft squishy surface.

He was snickering at my sudden fright. while doing so, he stepped towards me, taking off my blindfold before I could even get situated to be sitting upright.

The sudden light burned my eyes as I looked up at the dark and tall figure above me, which I knew was Billy, even though my vision was still blurry.

It only took a few seconds for my eyes to stop burning, when I realized we were out in the woods, and I was sitting on a couch on some random porch.

Attached to the porch was a small cabin, and not too far off from us was a lake. I looked around, seeing nothing but woods and a small wooden dock, sticking out from the lake's shore.

"You blind folded me to take me here?", I asked looking up at him.

He looked down at me into my eyes before kneeling down to my level, "Yep. We're staying here this weekend, and since you don't really know where we are, you kind of don't have a choice in the matter."

"What about your dad?", I said before pausing, "What about my dad Billy, huh? You ever consider that?"

He shushed me. "Yeah I did actually, and he was ok with it."

"Oh really? So you just called my house, hoped it was my dad, then told him I'd be staying all weekend alone with you. Oh, and in case you forgot, Billy, you are literally a stranger to him." I huffed, "Yeah I don't think he would be quite so ok with that like you claim."

Billy rolled his eyes and shoved the bandana into my mouth in one quick swoop of his hand. "Yeah and that's why I didn't tell him the truth y/n. You think I'm an idiot or something?"

I spit out the bandana, onto the floor, almost as quickly as he shoved it into my mouth.

He was really starting to get on my nerves with the whole inconsiderate bratty child act.

I forced Billy to move back when I practically jumped up from where I was sitting, "You can't just decide I'm staying here Billy! And you lied to my fucking dad to get me here. What the fuck?", I said seconds away from slapping him, but I resisted the urge.

"I'm trying to give you a good weekend and you're mad at me? Your dad thinks your on some trip with the yearbook committee for the this year's yearbook. What's the harm. It's not like I kidnapped you," he said getting in my face.

"Yeah Billy, you basically did. Last time I checked, you never asked me if I was okay with this!", I yelled getting increasingly louder as I spoke.

I went to turn away, and for the first time in weeks he grabbed me by my waist and pulled me in close so he could get in my face. He was about to say something, but instead he looked at me in my eyes.

After a moment of staring into each other's eyes, I thought he was going to kiss me, like he had done before. I mentally prepared myself to be kissed, when suddenly he let me go.

I felt the air crawl it's way out of my body. I felt a ache in my heart but only for a moment. I actually got disappointed he didn't kiss me.

I huffed and internally scolded myself for being disappointed when I said, "You know you could have just asked me to come this weekend. You could at least be kind enough to give me the choice."

"Would you have said yes?", he added quickly.

"I don't know. I-", he interrupted me.

"Would you have said yes, y/n?"

I gulped and let there be a pause before I quietly shrugged my shoulders.

"It's not like I despise being around you. I- just-" , I had to pause to let out a nervous laugh, "I know we can have a good time. I mean I've had a fun time around you before."

He scoffed, "You sure as hell don't act like you have."

"Billy, you can't be serious?", I asked.

"No, I'd like to genuinely know, because I sat around for you everyday like some needy bitch, and you walked all over me for days despite that. Do you know how fucking embarrassing that is for me?"

I was too stunned to speak.

Afterall, this was the selfish man whore Billy Hargrove in front of me, admitting that.

"I won't say everything has been. . perfect, but," I looked at him ready to admit some feelings, "you've given me good memories since day one."

"Oh yeah the day I blackmailed you, that was a good memory?"

"Not all of that day of course. I mean you for sure scared the hell out of me that day. You were very intimidating, but not all of that day was bad."

He rolled his eyes and walked past me to sit on the couch on, he had previously thrown me onto. He lit up a cigarette and looked out onto the lake.

"I enjoyed going to the movies that day," I laughed in between my words, refusing to let the topic go, "and when you were on my last nerve you suggested we scream it out, and we just flew down that road afterwards with no care about how dangerous it was."

I quickly noticed him start to smile again.

"And dinner with you family wasn't all that bad."

He scoffed in a sort of half-laugh kind of way, "I can believe that other shit you were spewing out just now, but that dinner was fucking horrible."

"Maybe for you, though I don't really know how your side of things went," I said hoping he'd elaborate on it.

He huffed and took a long hit from his cigarette, "You ever even try to smoke a cigarette before?", he asked avoiding the conversation.

"I don't mean to pry Billy, just your dad seemed strange to me is all. I'm just curious if he's always like that or not."

"If you can smoke a whole cigarette with me I'll sleep on the couch and you can have the bed to yourself," he said. Even if the deal was a pretty good offer, he still was avoiding the conversation.

"Ok got it, you just expect me to tell you what's wrong when I start acting off, but your just allowed to avoid the question entirely?"

What I said, must have strung a nerve withing him. He put out his cigarette and within seconds he was standing up, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt, and pinning me against the wall of the cabin.

The sudden impact with the wall left me breathless as I looked up to Billy's angry eyes.

"Is this what you want to know y/n?" he asked spitting in my face as he smoke

"What the fuck is wrong with you?", I asked trying not to focus on my now aching back.

"A lot of shit you don't even want to get me started on," he forcefully let me go and let out an aggressive scream as he began to walk off towards the lake.

"Billy where are you going?" I asked but got no response for.

I pursued him as he marched his way out towards the lake. A part of me felt bad for edging him on, but I was in the right about this. Even if it was a sore topic for him, he didn't have to be such a closed off dick about it.

He sat down at the lake's edge and I stopped to stand behind him.

"The way I held you against that wall," he said after a long awkward pause, "is the same way my dad held me when we walked outside. .all because I brought you into the house."

"I didn't kno-" he shushed me once again, and patted down next to him, signaling me to sit. "I just get so fucking angry living out here. This cow-shit smelling, hick of a town, pisses me off to a extent where you can't even begin to understand," he said as I plopped down next to him.

"Why don't you move back?"

"There's no where to move back to."

"You don't have family back there?"

"My mom," he said scoffing, "but she left me and my dad when I was just a kid."

I could tell his mom was a sore subject for him to talk about. He hung his head and fiddled with his hands as he spoke about her, even if it was just a quick mention.

I decided to get off the touchy subject, "I don't live with him everyday, but your dad is a fucking asshole."

He nodded his head, "Yeah, he is."

"Max told me he's hit you before, which I don't agree with of course. It's really fucked up."

"Yeah well she and her mom are real pieces of shitty work too."

"You don't mean that."

"Yeah I do, and you wanna know why? If it wasn't for them I'd still be in California and my dad wouldn't be as much of a fucking prick asshole," he picked up a nearby stone and threw it as hard as could, to send it skipping across the lake's surface, "He wants me to be happy or some shit that they are in my life, and he wants me to act like their my family, but they aren't. It's not my fucking job to be responsible for Max either, when she's thirteen years old and isn't even my real fucking sister."

"She's still the closest thing you have to a sister."

"Yeah well step-sibling isn't close enough.", he said looking away from me.

I sighed and leaned my head on Billy's shoulder, hoping it would calm him down. Even if it was slightly.

"Just because your dad is a piece of shit doesn't mean you have to be like him, you know? I prefer the real Billy more than the stuck up asshole version of you."

"Yeah and what's that real Billy like?" he asked, obviously still frustrated.

"The real Billy waits for me every day after school to take me home even though he knew I would refuse it."

He stayed silent but I decided to keep going anyways

"Or the Billy who surprises me with a weekend getaway," I said with a nervous laugh.

"Yeah, sure seemed to me like you hated that I brought you here," he said, sending another another stone skipping across the water.

"No actually, I think it's very sweet of you to plan this out for us. I just think it was pretty inconsiderate of you and how you went about it," I looked to him, "You did kind of go out of your way to lie to my dad about it and then blindfolded me on the way here, so I wouldn't be able to get back home."

"You really think if I asked, you would have came?"

I made sure he was looking back at me before I spoke, "Yeah Billy, I think I would have," I let out a small laugh, "Hell, then we could have thought of an excuse together for my dad."

He scoffed, "You can't be the same y/n I know. She would get a high horse from me telling her she's right," he finally smiled, but it was different than his usual. It wasn't fake, or didn't come from his ego, this smile was genuine.

"Oh, so now you're saying I was right?"

"Jesus, nevermind, your still who I thought you were."

I lightly swatted his arm in a playful manor, "Well as much as I'd love to tell you, I told you so, I'm glad you told me." I added, "At least I didn't have to slam on my brakes in the middle of a road to make you do so."

"That just proves I'm a lot less work than you."

I scoffed, "You keep dreaming Billy."

He stayed silent for a second before yanking me and himself up off the ground. Before I could react, he picked me up off my feet and carried me to the dock I had noticed before.

"Don't you fucking dare!" I yelled thrusting around in his grasp as he walked.

"Oh yeah admit you're the bigger fucking handful and I'll let you go."

"You're the one who probably spends more than half an hour fixing your hair up in the morning, and I'm the handful?!" I asked not being to help myself from laughing.

He started swinging me as if he were to throw me, but didn't fully commit. He was giving me a warning.

"Last chance, y/n!" he yelled out. I yelled out in a fearful scream, choosing that over responding to him. I grasped onto him for dear life.

"Suite yourself!" he said throwing me into the water. I tried my best to cling onto him, so at least he'd come down with me, but his strength was ten-times my own. It was nothing for him to pry me off before throwing me out.

The water hit me like icy stakes piercing my body. It's much colder in the fall compared to the summer, so I doubt the water could be anything over than sixty-five degrees.

I popped my head out of the water just in time to catch Billy throwing his shirt onto the dock, before jumping in right after me.

I got yet another round of icy cold water to the face.

Seconds later, he too sprang his head up from the surface. He immediately started to shake the water from his hair like a wet dog, and screamed out a loud 'whoo', that echoed across the vast, open lake.

Both of us were laughing as he swam over to me and my shivering body. He scooped me up and wrapped my legs around him so he could hold me.

I blushed. This was the first time he had tenderly held me, since the first day we got into this whole mess.

He came in for a kiss, interrupting my giggles.

"Hmph!", I instinctively let out as his lips came crashing onto mine.

He was hungry. Last time we kissed was a month ago when he kissed me by sheer force. With the way I was kissing back now, I'm sure even he could tell that I wanted it. I wanted it bad.

His hands explored my back as I held onto him myself with my legs. The journeyed across my shirt until they found a resting spot near my lower back.

I broke away first, and for once he actually let me. This was better than I remembered, it was good. Really good.

No matter how great it made me feel, it still didn't change the fact that the water was freezing cold and I was shivering in his arms.

I stuttered from how cold I was, "Can- Can we please go- go back onto the shore?"

He shook his head, denying my request, "Admit it."

"Billy!" I threw my head back in annoyance that he was still even on the same subject that got us into the water in the first place.

"It's your fault if we catch a cold from being out here for too long, so you better hurry it up and just admit it."

I huffed, "Ok for fucks sake Billy," I gave him a mean looked before I continued, "I can be a handful sometimes, just like everyone else, so can we please just get out of this water."

His egoist smile returned, "First one out gets to sleep in the bed," he said suddenly dropping my weight back into the water. I almost went back under, but I was half expecting him to let me go either way.

"You cheating prick!" I yelled out, but he just laughed.

Not only did he beat me to the shore, but he beat me back to the cabin to. It was quite a sight to see him in such a hurry to grab his previously striped clothes off the dock, before running back up to towards the cabin.

It made me smile how Billy reminds me of a happy toddler, who just is over themselves with excitement, when he is having fun.

I finally drug myself back up to the cabin, walking into it for the first time, soaking wet.

"Hey don't move, you're still soaked!" he yelled out from across the small cabin.

"And you aren't?" I yelled back.

I didn't receive a response till he trotted his way back over to me with folded towels wrapped up in his arms, for us to dry off with.

"What just happened out there proves I can be quick about pretty much anything," he said gloating.

"I'm sure you're right. You really are quick about everything." I said with a wink.

He scoffed, "I'm sure you'd like to know. Wouldn't you sweetheart?" he said wrapping a towel around me.

"Maybe I would," , He paused for a half a second, not expecting that sort of response. "Maybe I wouldn't. You'll sure as shit never find out," I continued after a long pause.

"Well your stuck all alone with me all weekend, I wouldn't be so quick to say that."

"Oh yeah and boost your ego? I'd rather go drown in that lake out there."

He rolled his eyes.

Billy was obviously prepared for this trip, and it was certainly no last minute decision on his part. The entire kitchen was stocked for the weekend, and the sheets on the bed had been freshly washed.

Billy even bought me a couple outfits to wear for the weekend, knowing he would take me here by surprise, leaving me no time to prep.

"You do realize how this all seems suspicious to me right?" I said finally snuggling in on the couch after drying off and changing into a silky pajama set he had bought for me.

"How so?", he said coming to sit next to me after turning on the TV across from us.

"You replaced all my clothes, I have no idea where I am, you've had this planned out for a few days at least, and there's a lake about thirty feet from this cabin for easy disposal."

"What am I? Ted Bundy?", he asked, reading my thoughts.

"You could be. I mean you totally check off all the boxes to be a serial killer." I said smirking.

"Well you're the one who said you'd rather drown than sleep with me so if your dead body ends up in the lake that's by your own doing."

I rolled my eyes, "Even if you kidnapped me into bringing me here, I still am glad to spend the weekend somewhere outside of my bedroom," I said tempted to lay my head on his shoulder.

"Is this a thank you I hear?" he said. This was pure fuel for his ego.

"Yeah, it is. Thank you."

"Guess I'll have to kidnap you more often then." he said scooting closer to me.

He and I both let out a little laugh at the wording, and I finally gave in and laid my head on his shoulder as we both looked at the TV.

All I remembered was closing my eyes for a second, but before I could stop it, I was asleep on his shoulder.

When I opened my eyes again, everything was completely dark except for the TV that illuminated us on the couch and the surrounding area.

I blinked a few times before realizing I was still on the couch, I went to stand, but there was an arm around me, that wrapped tighter when I moved.

Billy.

I froze, realizing I had carelessly fallen asleep in the arms of Billy. He groaned from my previous motion, and snuggled me tighter, as to keep me fleshed up against him.

My face was on fire, and as much as I'd like to stay here snuggling. Now that I was up, I had to piss so bad I was going to explode if didn't.

I tried my best to get out of his grasp, but he instinctively held on like how a child holds onto their favorite teddy bear.

"Billy. I need to get up," I said softly while nudging him arm.

He groaned and when I looked back at him, he was shaking his head no.

'Goddamn how is that even when he's asleep, he's still a selfish bastard.' I thought to myself.

I grabbed one of the couch pillows that fell onto the floor and held it to my chest. With my free, I began to lift Billy's arm up from my side.

When I finally had it up enough for me to get through, I quickly got up and replaced myself with the pillow.

When I got back, the lamps had been turned on, and Billy looked to me while standing before an open fridge.

"You know you woke me up the second you started moving me around yeah?" he said half asleep still.

"I had to piss and you wouldn't let me up. What was I supposed to do?," I answered. He didn't respond, only to pull out some cookies from the fridge.

"You keep cookies in the fridge?"

"They taste better cold," he said ripping apart the packaging.

I lifted myself to sit on top of the counter, next to him. I dipped my hand down to steal a cookie, so I could test his opinion out for myself. We both munched in silence as I formed my own opinion.

"Nope, tastes exactly the same," I said.

"That's cause your opinion is shit," he said still with a mouth full of cookie.

"Ha, no. Your opinion is shit, have you seen the type of women you've slept with?" I asked jokingly.

"What's that say about you then?"

"Well I haven't slept with you."

"Not yet, but your curiosity will get the better of you soon enough," he said smiling

I ruffled his bed head, "You wish."

He stood in front of me, trapping me in his arms as he placed them on the counter space on both sides of me, "What's stopping you?"

I laughed, "You're joking right?"

"Afraid not babe."

I rolled my eyes, "You do realize that the only reason you know I even exist is because I turned you down after you tried to get in my pants at some stupid party? You got all handsy with me then too."

"I touched your waist, big deal."

"That's besides the point! The point is, Billy, is that if I sleep with you, you win," I huffed.

He smirked as he leaned in closer to my face, "So that means you want to, but just won't let yourself? All because, what? I'll win?"

I blushed, "Wha? No. Did you not hear me at all?"

He forced me to look at him in the eyes by tugging at my chin, "I heard you, but I can also tell that your lying."

"I'm not lying Billy." I said with butterflies in my stomach.

"C'mon cut the shit y/n.", he said with his typical devilish grin.

If my blush wasn't noticeable before, it for sure was now.

He leaned closer to my ear and whispered, "You didn't think I'd notice how you cling onto me when I touch you, did you sweetheart?"

He ran his hand up my thigh stopping just before the edge of the silky sleep shorts he bought for me. He gave my thigh a good squeeze occasionally as he explored the surface.

It was true that his touch always sent thrills all through me, but that doesn't change how I feel on the inside. This only started, because all I was to him was another plus one to his body count.

"The only reason we talk now, is because we're friends. I know that you only wanted me for sex though when this all started, I'm not stupid." I said in a somewhat of a pouting tone, "Why would I sleep with you?"

He paused and let my chin go, "At the party, yeah, I did just want you, you looked fucking amazing," he got a sincere look on his face, "I also told you the next day how you intrigued me. You stood up to me, and I liked that a lot."

"Just because you tell me that I sexually intrigue you doesn't change anything about this, Billy."

"You got my respect then, y/n," he said, "I think your fucking sexy of course, but I liked the way you carried yourself that night. It's way different than any other bitch I've met here."

Had my whole problem really turn out to be a complete misunderstanding?

"How am I supposed to know you were being sincere then? You forced me to kiss you and coerced me into being your fake girlfriend. That's a lot of mixed signals don't you think?"

He hung his head and smiled, "y/n, I'm good enough to get anyone I want.", he said proudly admitting his ego, "but even after you ignored me, everyday, I stayed. Your the only one here in this hick town to ever earn my respect."

I felt my breath crawling its way out of my body with every word he spoke. This was not the Billy I came to know at first. This was the Billy who could finally let his guard down around me.

Though his attitude was awful and his ego was still raging, I finally could see him as a loving partner.

"Just forget it," he said backing off.

"Billy," I said grabbing his hand on my thigh before it could fully leave.

"Did you only threaten me into pretending as your girlfriend, just so you could . . . get to know me?"

"That sounds pretty fucked when you word it like that y/n."

"Yeah well that's what happened you dick, don't avoid the question."

He laughed in a nervous kind of way, "You intrigue me in all ways sweetheart, so yeah, don't get a big fucking head about it."

I was red all over.

I laughed at how he could say something so sweet, but still act like a dick at the same time. It was just the way he was, and it's what I fell for in him.

I pulled his hand to rest up on my waist before I gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"I guess you've got my interest too," I said softly, "It's not every day a guy admits he enjoys his time around me."

"Told you I was nice."

"Well, at least now you are."

I looked into his eyes, realizing he was coming in for another kiss. I snickered as I turned my head away, making him kiss my cheek instead. "I didn't give you permission for that," I said.

"Good thing I don't need it," he said as he picked me up off the counter.

"Hey! What the hell Billy?"

"I'll just take what I want, if you won't give it too me, babe," He held me with one hand so he could give a nice tap to my ass, "I'll get you begging for it, in no time."

We got into the bedroom and he didn't even bother flipping on the lights. There was still plenty enough shining in from the living room.

He threw me on the bed before pinning me down with his hands, ramming his lips into mine instantly. I tried to push against him, but it only made him force me down even harder.

Unlike last time I was pinned to a bed by Billy, I was kissing back. I couldn't resist this any longer, but the realization of that only made me angrier to be proving him right. My anger fueled the kiss even more, only adding more steam to the fire happening around us.

He freed up one of his hands to aggressively explore my body. He let his hand travel across my torso letting it rest on my ribcage for a moment. It didn't take him long to discover there was nothing being worn underneath the shirt.

"Well what do we have here?" he said breaking away from the kiss.

I blushed and turned my head away, I was in so much shock I could barely speak, "Mine- It was- The lake- It got wet." I fumbled with my words, but it still got the message across. He laughed, menacingly, before slamming his lip back onto mine.

He started exploring the new discovery, but held himself back from going over the top. He was toying with me. Teasing me.

I put my newly free hand on his cheek so I would have a deeper grasp on the kiss. I tried to move from his cheek down to his chest, so I could do my own exploring, but at the touch of his collarbone he stopped, breaking our kiss.

I hated the feeling of the cold air on my lips when he moved away, but I hated it even more that I was actually pouting about it.

"Beg me," he said

I shook my head no out of stubbornness, so he gave my thigh a good hard love tap. I let out a whimper due to the sheer unexpected force that came to me.

"Say it y/n."

"I can't- I can't." I said hiding my face with my free hand.

"Why not sweetheart?" he whispered. I stayed silent and simply held onto his wrist that pinned down my other hand.

I couldn't think straight due to all the emotions I was feeling. I was nervous, excited, and my whole body burned with lust.

I was to embarrassed to speak, but I couldn't deny the fact that I liked what was happening between us. I wondered frequently how he would be in bed, since he was always the one to bring it up. In all that time I thought about this, I never expected that I would be left so speechless.

Even in the dim light, I caught a glimpse of his cocky smile, before he flipped me over onto my stomach.

I attempted to lift my face from the bed, but he shoved it back down into the fluffy comforter with his hand.

"If you aren't going to use your mouth to talk then you don't need it at all," he said after giving me another spank to my ass. The sound echoed off the walls, luckily covering the squeal I made. "I'll just let the rest of you speak for itself."

With no struggle from my part, he lifted my shirt, exposing my whole back to him.

I tightly grasped onto the blankets as he kissed down my back, but it wasn't long till his lips got bored and he made his way further down to my shorts.

After removing those pretty quickly, he started to take off his own clothes.

"Wait- Wait, Billy," I said lifting myself weakly from the bed.

If it wasn't the sight of his bare upper body that made me blush, it was for sure going to be what I had to say, "I'm- I-"

He flipped me around the rest of the way, back onto my back. He leaned over me, letting a hand rest on my face while using the other to balance himself. "You know you talked all that shit, but you can't even speak right now. Slow down so I can understand you."

I took a deep breathe and looked at him, "I'm not on any pill," I managed out.

He laughed, "That's what your worried about right now?"

"I think it's a perfectly good thing to be worried about right now, so yes," I quickly blurted out.

"This isn't my first time you know, now I can't say the same for you, but-"

"This isn't my first time either, thank you," I interrupted.

He raised a brow, "Oh really? With how nervous you are, and how defiant you've been. I figured it was."

"No, I- This isn't new for me. Just how you are is new for me." I said speaking more quietly as I went on.

"You mean somebody with experience is new to you?" he laughed.

"I guess," I looked away, "Your very handsy."

"How could I not be? You've been keeping me waiting," I gave him a pouty stare in return.

"Careful for now, pill for next time. Ok?," he continued.

I nodded my head in agreement. I trusted him, and he's right, he does have way more experience than I have. If he says that he'll be careful, I trust him.

"Now where were we?" he said while scaling his eyes down my now exposed body.

After plenty of fore-play on both sides, he had me close to him and finally put himself into position on top of me. The embarrassment I felt from the noises I made when he started, could single handedly put me in my grave.

He completely blurred my mind after putting me through multiple rough and intense rounds.

He always kept things interesting, never letting me take it for too long in a certain position. Whether I was pressed into the bed or thrown into his lap, no matter how he was ramming into me, I held him tight.

I've never felt such an intense emotion before and quite frankly, I was addicted. I wouldn't complain when he would hastily go back in for more, even if it left me with no time to rest.

I very much so regret calling him quick at 'everything'.

He would edge me for what felt like an eternity before he would allow me to spill. He always made me wait for him, no matter how good I was feeling. I shamefully admitted how wrong I was for calling him quick, earning myself a even quicker pace at which we were going.

After hours of endless pleasure, he decided enough was enough, after seeing how utterly worn out I was. It was still dark outside, but I knew the sun would be coming up soon. I needed rest.

He pulled me in close before laying beside me on the bed. Stroking my head as I thought to myself.

Even when he wasn't ramming himself inside me, he could be so vicious and forceful, but I learned there was a reason to his extremely rude demeanor. He was only so snappy so he wouldn't ever have to confront his feelings head on.

He tries to pretend he doesn't care about anyone, but really he just wants no one to view him as weak. He was conditioned to think that way.

"How about instead of screaming matches in my car, we just do this to let out some anger," he said pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Then we'd be at this all the time," I responded rolling my eyes.

"I can shut you up again if you keep up with that attitude."

I cuddled into his chest, saying nothing in response.

"Yeah that's about what I thought," he said wrapping his arms around me.

"I thought you liked it when I stood up you," I questioned.

"Yeah, but I like it when you suck it up and just be mine as well."

"Pretend yours? Or actually yours?" I asked quietly.

He snickered, probably about how shy I was at the moment, compared to usual, "Actually mine."

"I think I'd like that too."

We both had our problems, and Billy's family life was going to for sure be a problem later, but right now I could be happy. Right now I trusted Billy.

Even though his scary and unpredictable behavior would always leave me feeling uncertain, but he's now showed me multiple times that he can normally handle things, even if its still in his own snarky matter. He showed me that I didn't have to ask him to change, that he would just do it on his own for my sake.

The weekend flew by after a days full of more intense times in bed, cooking meals together, talking about where'd we like to get jobs at for the upcoming summer, and working out with one another. He went out of his way to create a personal routine for me, so I wouldn't feel left out. I didn't expect to feel sad when it was time to head home, but I was.

It felt like Billy and I were already living our life together.

We completed our final task of packing all the leftover food into the trunk of his car, and now it was time to leave. I wistfully watched the cabin disappear from view as we drove away and began our journey of heading back to civilization.

When this started between us in the theater of Hawkins High, I was not in love with Billy Hargrove. In fact I thought he was a total dickhead. I'm not wrong though, he totally was.

Despite it, he made me feel alive. I had to tell myself, I can't fall in love with Billy Hargrove.

I laid awake at night, in my own bed, hoping I wasn't going to fall, because why would any person fall for such a self centered man.

What we had was beyond my control. I would yell out screams of frustrations till I would wake up the next day, unable to speak. I wanted to control my feelings, and I wanted to hate him, but I couldn't.

Even though I wanted to hate him, I always knew we were much more than just pretend. I knew I would inevitably fall, so once I embraced it, everything changed.

He opened himself up and I was able to see the true Billy. He was unpredictable and inconsiderate at times, sure, but he always cared for me in his own bitchy way.

He went out of his way to check up on me even if it was in a snarky tone. It was just who Billy was, and I finally understood that. I finally felt like I would be safe to care for him as well.

I can't believe I'd ever actually admit it, but I fell in love with Billy fucking Hargrove. It was clear that I was his, and he was mine.

No matter what we would have to go through, we would be each other's future.

[natashas-girl]

If you’re happy

A/n: Hey! This is one of my first fanfics about natasha, i hope u like it!

Summary: Natasha falls out of love with you and in love with somebody else. . .

"Natasha?" You called, "you in here?" It was a tradition of sorts. Whenever you came home from work, you would call out to your girlfriend in your apartment (she was always there, and if she wasn't she'd text you. Looking up, you saw that she was on the couch braiding a girl with pale skin and a hard expression's dark hair.

"right here, honey," she said, blowing a kiss in your direction.

"Who's that?" You asked, curious of the cute stranger.

"This is my friend Maria from. . . Work" she replied.

Maria gave her a side glance, and a teasing smile, "work, huh. Does she know  where you work?"

"No," you muttered.

"Well. . ." Natasha paused, "i think it would be better if you let me explain a little bit later. Oh, and do you mind if Maria stays for dinner?"

NO she did not just change the fucking subject

"Sure, I'll order now. Where?"

"We haven't had In-n-out for a while." 

"Sure, Umm. . . What do you want?" You asked Maria. 

"Oh, I'll just take a veggie burger with pickles," she laughed.

"'Kay" you said, feeling awkward.

-the literal time skip because i can-

Later that night, when you were laying in bed with Natasha,  you asked her, "where do you work?"

"I-" she stuttered, "I'm an- I'm an Avenger, y/n, I'm black widow." 

"Wait," you said, the wheels turning in your brain, "so does that mean that Maria was. . . The Maria hill? And you work with iron man and Carol Danvers and Hulk and-"

"Scarlet witch and Falcon and captain America." She joked tiredly.

"Who?" You asked

"Scarlet witch? You mean the one who does the weird hand things?"

"No, I've heard of her. Who's Captain America?"

"You mean. . . Steve rogers? Captain America? You've never heard of him?" She cackled, "oh, Steve's going to die when he hears that."

"Film it," you advised.

"Don't worry, i will." She planted a kiss on your cheek. "But first we should sleep."

And so, you fell asleep safe and happy in your girlfriend's arms.

-Time skip-

*reflecting*

Through the next week, Maria was there every time that you came back from work. Once it was raining so much that she had to stay the night. You could tell how happy Natasha was when she was there, And every time you thought of her happiness, a small smile crept to your face. Once, you almost got fired from your job at Starbucks because you zoned out thinking about Natasha. 

I see the way that her eyes light up when you make her laugh. 

I see all the ways she makes you smile that i never could.

I see how you look at her when you think she isn't looking, when I'm standing in the doorway and you don't see me there.

And i know that you would love to love her, but you could never break my heart

But love is a roller coaster, it has its ups and downs, and some roller coasters break down

And when a roller coaster breaks down, you either get on another one or you never go on a roller coaster again. 

And you don't understand, thAt if you weren't happy, my heart would already be broken

And I would shatter my heart a thousand times to keep yours whole

Because sometimes loving someone is letting them go.

*end of reflecting*

"Natasha." You said, pulling your girlfriend into a closet.

"I need to talk to you about Maria."

"What? Y/n, you know i would never-"

"Natasha, i know that you're a good person. I know that you would never cheat. But i see the way you look at her. And those glances that she sneaks at you. And that's why. . ." You couldn't say it. But. . . Natasha would be happy. And that was all that matters. "That's why. . ." You blinked back tears, "that's why I'm breaking up with you."

"What- but y/n, i- thats not- i-" she stuttered, clearly not expecting thighs.

"Natasha just, please. . ." You begged. "Ask Maria out. Please. Just let me go."

You left the closet before she could argue. Because, loving someone is letting them go.

Because, loving someone is spending a lifetime of heartbreak so that they don't have to spend a lifetime pretending they don't love somebody else.

Because, even after all this

You

Still

Love 

Her

Your didn't feel your heart shatter until you hit the highway.

That was a fun way to take my depression out! 

[tsukiyadori]

Translation Quality of Fukou-kun wa Kiss suru shika nai Episode 1 on Viki

Since I saw somebody asking about the translation quality of Fukou-kun wa Kiss suru shika nai - I took a little look.

(Just the Viki episode 1 though, since I don't have a subscription and that's the only free episode right now. No Idea about Gagaolala's since I also don't have a subscription there either. Couldn't find what fansubs were referenced on quick look, so also no idea about that one. If somebody wants to provide sub-files I can take a look at the lines, too.)

My brain also blanked out with the OP and the ED has been skipped. (Spare me that bland canned Jpop please...) So no idea about the lyrics.

TL;DR first: Viki's for that episode is… passable. I have seen no hair pulling super major botches that are just utterly wrong and plot/context/characterization breaking. That being said, definitely don't expect brilliancy, either.

Some things that picked my attention in order of appearance:

In the prologue when Kouta talks about his type he uses 子 (ko). That implies a girl. After he drops the act, he's using 人間 (ningen) which means human. This was quaint, because usually you would opt to 人 (hito, person) for something more neutral. No idea what this is supposed to imply or if at all. Translations are fine there, just a lost nuance.

I'm sure I'll meet some great friends -> I'm sure there will be wonderful new meetings/encounters 出会い (deai) is used, which is meeting/encounter. This can mean all sorts of things in that vein, but expressly also means you might have your fated mate meeting (運命の出会い, unmei no deai). So it's definitely implied he's hoping for a bit more. (But the context also supplies this information already, so nothing really lost.)

This introduction was all lies! -> By the way, this prologue just now was COMPLETELY all lies!

That got shortened and also looses out on the typography of the sign. There is this playfulness JP typography that never seems to translate well outside.

Dropping the sweet act, here's my actual introduction This one is actually a good localization. In the fake prologue he uses boku for I (usually more innocently boyish) which then is switched to ore (more rude, manly).

And I've finally come to this conclusion: I'm just meant to be unlucky -> I've arrived at the truth, I have an unlucky condition This is maybe a bit nitpicking. But it's less a conclusion but more like he found the root cause (the truth) and the way he describes his condition is using (体質, taishitsu), which is a physical condition. So basically he takes it in like an identified chronic illness he has no means to get rid of, and that's a mood that reflects across everything he says (to himself), which is full of bitter salty anger, envy or resignation. He also gets pretty venomous nasty often enough, with much ruder, colloquial speech (extension to the switch to ore) which I don't quite think the English captures with as much of a contrast to what he says out loud all that much. The actor's voice does tho, so it still has that vibe from there.

Kirari is a sound effect onomatopoeic word describing a twinkle. Which is why this is a bit of a wild nickname to have as an adult (and a guy).

Typo Izakoi instead of Izayoi once, so QC is probably not the tightest, but also not the worst since there was only one.

Shinomiya gets translated to Naoya, which means this one abides by Western name referencing of first names rather than keeping the Japanese one of referencing last names and its registers of intimacy it denotes. This is jarring by default if you hear Shinomiya, but read Naoya, but it's pretty standard a thing to happen with Japanese translations. What definitely is bad tho is that there is no consistency, because Kouta's acquaintances call him Fukuhara, which is his last name. (If this show ever starts making Kouta switch from Shinomiya to Naoya, and they make a big blushy drama out of it, which the Japanese love to do, probably expect this to make no sense in the translation.)

What a formidable guy -> What a dreadful/frightening guy

lady killer This is obviously a bit awkward with it being in a BL coming from a guy describing the effects on himself, but that one kind of has no short English word. Japanese uses 無自覚天然たらし (mujigaku tennen tarashi). mujigaku means unaware, tennen is a natural airhead (the one that breaks hearts like breathing and never notices) and tarashi means very (in a bit of a condescending manner) and amplifies this once more. (If there is a good Engilish expression, I'm all ears!)

I was hoping we could stay together always - let's stay together That is super awkward, but the translator probably tried their best to retain some levels of ambiguity for the misunderstanding. The word used is 付き合い (tsukiai), which can mean accompany but very much also means dating. The way Kouta asks it is literally how you'd ask somebody out for dating, and he does this even in a very typical girly shy manner (completely in contrast with his thoughts in more guyish informal register).

Other than that, the translation definitely doesn't feel like natural English, but also not like that Engrish you'd get from a Japanese native person usually. (My guess is it's intermediate-advanced proficiency, one of the typical pit traps in that stage is still to be too literal and have Japanese sentence structures invade your translation.) Refreshing for one doesn't sound like anything a native English speaker would say to describe a person. What is meant here is a person who is kind of upbeat and agreeable to their surroundings, or somebody who's good at smoothing things out with their way of talking. (But also not suave or so.) Maybe affable, amiable, pleasant? (But then I don't think Westerners ever mumble so fascinated about a person after they're gone, bar in a more sexually/romantically/idolizing coded fawning sense to begin with…?)

[beels-burger-babe]

A Pain You'll Soon Regret - Pt. 1

***This...This is glorious. Oh ho, I will most definitely give you this fic @millenniumofpain! I will do so gladly! Thanks for sending in this great request!***

Poly!MC Summary: MC and the demon lords get in a fight resulting in MC leaving. They planned on going to Purgatory Hall until things cool off, but they never quite make it there. TW: Heavy Angst, Violence, I don't know what to tag this, but there is a pretty nasty verbal fight, Gore/Injury Part Two: HERE, Part Three: HERE, Part Four: HERE

You growled to yourself, angrily wiping tears from your face, as you marched away from the House of Lamentation, away from your partners.

Well, you said marching. It was more of a stumble what with the way your intoxicated brain could barely walk forward. You wished you could say you didn't know how things got like this, but the evidence had been there all along. It was in the slow build of tensions that increased and increased until they overflowed. It was in the way everyone would bite their tongues more and more frequently rather than communicating their thoughts.

Everyone had little things about the relationship between the eight of you that bothered them, and no one said a word until the words could no longer be held back.

It all started after you came back from clubbing way past curfew with Asmodeus.

The two of you were definitely drunk and were giggling messes as you did your best to hold the other up.

You both jumped when the hallway light turned on to reveal Lucifer and the others waiting there for you.

You bit back a sob as you thought of the vicious words that came out of their mouths.

"You're so reckless! Do you know what could've happened to a human like you this late at night in this state?! For Diavolo's sake MC, I expected this behaviour from Asmodeus, but I expected more from you!" Lucifer shouted Asmodeus groaned and leaned against you. "We were just having some fun. It's my date night. Don't get your wings in a twist." Beelzebub glared at him. "Just because it's your date night with MC doesn't excuse you putting them in danger. You couldn't even defend yourself right now, forget about defending them!" You frowned and stepped forward. "Guys relax. Nothing happened." Mammon scoffed, "That's always how it is with you! You think that just because nothin' has happened to ya that it's fine. You ain't invincible MC. Gah, it's like you're just throwin' ya self into dangerous situations just to get us to come to save ya again!" Satan raised an eyebrow at Mammon's comments and crossed his arms over his chest. "Maybe that's what they want. Attention. Is that the real reason why you keep being so reckless?" he tsks and scowls at you, "If you wanted attention MC you could've asked one of your seven boyfriends." You looked at them all with wide eyes. "Wha- I do NOT do all of this for attention!" Levi snarled, "Then why do you do it? Huh? Why else would you get drunk in one of the most notorious clubs in the Devildom? Why else would you date all seven of the Lords of the Devildom?" You stepped back as though you had been slapped by Levi's words. You glanced around at the others, but no one rose to your defence. You met Belphie's gaze hoping, that maybe as the only one to have not spoken up, that he'd be on your side. He just snickered and gave you a perplexed look. "What? Don't expect me to step in. You got yourself in this mess." You stood shocked and hurt; almost unwilling to believe that your partners, the people who you thought loved you unconditionally, verbally attacked you. Anger bubbled and boiled inside of you until you couldn't contain it anymore. "If you guys have such a problem with it, then maybe I won't depend on you anymore! I'm reckless, yeah, I admit, but I never did it for attention and I certainly never put myself in danger just so you all could play the hero," you turned your anger to Leviathan, "And in case you forgot, you all agreed to date me! I thought it was because you all loved me as much as I loved you but apparently fucking not! So if you don't mind, I'm going to leave now like the attention-driven child that you all think I am!"

Not your classiest moment, but you didn't care. It was clear you weren't wanted at the time, and you were too tired to handle the brutal words that they were throwing at you. So you left. Which brought you here, stumbling your way towards Purgatory Hall, drunk, and sobbing as you shivered from the cold Devildom air. You could just see the shape of the Hall ahead of you when you suddenly tripped and found yourself tumbling to the ground. You winced as you felt your knees and hands scrape against the ground. You groaned and turned yourself over to inspect the injuries. "Just when the night couldn't get any worse," "Well, well, well, what do we have here?" You stiffened as three demons came out of the woods around you and began circling you like vultures about to swoop in on their prey. The tallest one snickered. "Looks like the Lords' little pet strayed too far from its masters. Lucky us~"

A shorter, rounder one smiled sharply as drool trickled from its mouth. "Their loss, our gain," it leaned forward and inhaled deeply before sighing in pleasure. "Oh, get a whiff of that fear~ Just, delicious! Do you think it's true when they say that human tears really do add seasoning to its meat?" You tried to scramble away from it, as your heart pounded in your chest, but yelped as your back bumped against a curvier one. Its long nails dug into your shoulders as it secured its hands near your neck. "Only one way to find out." You were in trouble. These demons clearly had no intention of letting you go. You needed to get out of there before it was too late. You jammed the heel of your palms against the back of the wrists of the demon that holding you down, while you leaned backwards away from it. You were able to get just enough slack to roll away from the demon before jumping back to your feet. You were still surrounded, but at least now you weren't defenceless on the ground. Progress.

You did your best snarl, one that you and Mammon had jokingly practiced together one day, and glared fiercely at them. "Do you have any idea who you're messing with? I could have you all killed with just a snap of my fingers. You have one chance to run away, or I promise you that no one will ever be able to find your sorry corpses."

The tall one laughed and smirked at you. "And what exactly are you going to do? Scratch us with your blunt little nails? Bite us with your flat teeth?" The round one perked and began to hop excitedly. "Oh! Oh! Maybe they'll summon the lords to do it for them! Such a pathetic thing doesn't stand a chance on its own."

The curvy one wore a sickening grin as it leaned down mockingly at you. "So, you gonna call your guard dogs or what?"

You froze. You couldn't summon the brothers. Technically, you could, but not at this moment. Not after that fight. They had basically screamed at you about how they were tired of you getting yourself into situations exactly like this and then come crying to them for help. And what did you do? Take off and prove them right. They didn't want to be your heroes. They didn't want you.

You were on your own in this, and there was no way you could fight and win. Without a second thought, you turned towards Purgatory Hall and ran. The laughter of the demons rang behind menacingly. You barely got five steps away before a set of claws slashed deep into your ankle. You screamed out as you collapsed roughly to the ground, making your forehead against the dirt road.

You twisted onto your side to see the round demon drooling over your heavily bleeding leg with a nearly psychotic expression. "I love it when they try to run." That was the only warning you got before it sunk its razor-sharp teeth into your calf. You wailed loudly in pain as you used your other foot to try and kick the demon off of you, but it wasn't so willing to let go of its meal. The tall one grabbed your arm, bending you foreword as it roughly folded it behind your back. You cried out as you felt your shoulder pop out of its socket and nausea swirl in your stomach. "Not so tough now, are you?" It purred in your ear as it licked the tears off of your cheeks. You choked on your sobs as it roughly bit into the flesh on your collar, and weakly struggled in its grasp. "Let go of me! H-Help! Somebody! Help me!"

The curvy one finally approached you, burying its fingers into your hair before harshly yanking your head towards it. You screamed before it slapped its clawed hand across your face. Bile threatened to rise out of your throat as you felt your own blood drip down your cheek.

Spots began to blur your vision as the demon leered down at you with its menacing eyes. You felt your stomach drop as a realization hit you. This was how you would die.

You whimpered as you thought of the brothers, and how you never got to even kiss them or tell them goodbye one final time. Hell, you didn't even get to see them smile at you. Instead, you were reminded that you could never be what they needed you to be.

You would die scared, in pain, and unloved.

The curvy demon laughed as it wrapped its hands around your throat. You struggled to breathe and whined as, for just a moment, you saw Belphegore choking you to death once more, and not this monster. You morbidly thought that it was only fitting for you to be killed the same way twice. The demon leaned closer to you, demanding that you meet its un-naturally yellow eyes as it smiled. "You realize it now don't you? That this is your death bed? That no one is coming for the pathetic little human. I bet no one would even-" Before it could finish its sentence a blindingly bright beam burst across the side of its face sending it flying across the ground. You could hear the other demon curse and began to take off as two voices shouted and more bright flashes were sent in their direction. As your vision began to fade, you saw tear-filled, innocent blue eyes look down at you and a small mouth framed by chubby cheeks try to speak. But it was too late. With a final whine, you felt your eyes roll to the back of your skull and your mind plummet into darkness. ***This request is just evil and I love it. There will be a part two. So stay tuned for more pain. Hope you enjoyed it @millenniumofpain! Thank you for allowing me to write this!!***

[dausy]

pattern art to get in the fall spirit and take up space while I do a life update. I've accomplished a few things, books, video games and then some life issues.

So easy stuff first I guess. I finished one of my goals of reading a Harry Potter book in spanish. I read the first book. It took me all year because it was a major brain fart/humbler. Reason why I chose HP was because its made for kids and it was familiar. I did NOT understand everything but luckily digital devices come equipped with a translation dictionary. About halfway through the book is when I had my first notebook with my art made. Whenever I get to book 2 my plan is to write down words that I had trouble with. There were 3 words in the first book that showed up frequently that kept confusing me but I didn't write them down haha. So I cant tell you.

I have a rant about another book I'm reading, Ill wait til I'm done

--games--

Secondly I finished playing Horizon Zero Dawn and Horizon Forbidden West back to back. That took me..ages..when I first turned on HFW I was like "oh..thats the map..this is tiny" and well somehow I put double the man hours into the sequel than the original game with the DLC. Think I finished HZD in 50 or 60 hours after completing everything that game had to offer. 100% completion. HFW Id been playing for 90 and I didn't complete everything and just kinda said "eff this" and finished it. I like open world games. I'd play a third game, probably wont get to a dlc I dont generally do those on purpose.

My issue is though is I still don't like the character designs. I think HZD was the superior game. I kind of like the doom and gloom apocalypse back story and I like the idea of our modern life being somebody elses ruins. I like that. But everything else, the over story, the character designs..its like putting a jak and daxter style design on a serious story of The Last of Us. It didn't go. We needed to either choose if we were being serious or not. The sequel I enjoyed the gameplay but I think it suffered from being a sequel. Its getting too big for its britches. I dont like the space stuff. I dont like the immortality stuff.

so not my favorite game of all time but I'd play another.

I was playing disney dreamlight but I think Ill move on here soon to Ooblets to fill in time.

---

Lastly life.

--

My grandma died. It was not unexpected especially after seeing her for the final time a few weeks ago and I could tell she wasn't going to make it much longer. The thing that kinda bothered me or reassured me the most is..atleast gramma wasn't aware of what was going on. She's told me to my face how much the death of her siblings years before traumatized her and how she's afraid of dying. Really afraid we're all going to hell. If she could see herself on her deathbed she would absolutely freak out.

seeing her at the viewing again, was kinda sad. She just looked uncomfortable. People say "atleast now they're at peace" nah, gramma looked just as uncomfortable as when I saw her the other weekend. Its amazing how my brain remembers her from a few years ago and that viewing-experience just did not look like the gramma that I knew.

its just another phase of life coming to an end.

we've had it rough this past year. Husband lost his dad, we lost our cat at the same time and I've lost 2 grandmothers.

My work called me off the entirety of last week so I havent worked in over a week. Todays my first day back and I was asked to come in late. So I'ma have like..no paycheck..but whatever I guess.

so anywho I havent managed to be creative. I did manage to draw a bit yesterday so I may paint something but I dont know think it'll meet any sort of standard or expectation.