#its like a huge comfort or something
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This was easily one of the best Lupin episodes
#there will be a rant in the tags that you can ignore#but it is so upsetting how modern/current lupin took away the depths of these characters and flimsily tries to restore their earlier depth#i'm one of those people who craves depth in what i watch and it's so difficult to like this franchise because it will be so close to doing#something interesting only to abandon it#this episode and part one as a whole was peak lupin in my opinion with each character having emotional depth yet flaws to overcome#yet modern lupin would have you believe that these characters don't desire to improve in any capacity#if we were to just focus on Goemon for example right here he shows depth with revealing hidden emotional maturity and empathy for Lupin by#comforting him and admitting he himself is afraid (which is a big deal for a character like him who is supposed to be unflinching)#but in modern lupin goemon will literally say that he's not afraid of anything and this is written without any hint of irony or depth#i'm okay with mindless entertainment and i understand that this is a series simply about stealing but the character assassination is so#disappointing#and when this series does try to be “deep” they pick the most triggering subject matter possible to depict to the point where it's#practically unwatchable (this is in reference to Part 4 and its constant SA plots as well as the rampant gratuitous child abuse plots#throughout the entire series)#i want so badly to love lupin the 3rd but it's a huge problem when fanfiction understands the characters better than the source material#lupin iii#lupin the third#lupin the 3rd#goemon ishikawa xiii#goemon#arsene lupin iii#jigen daisuke#daisuke jigen#fujiko mine#part 1
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sometimes healing is to crawl back into "would fatness save them" theme of thinking after shitty comments about "this character shouldn't be fat they're sporty!!!"
#i get really excited when i post something new on my other social media platforms but some of them really have this huge piece of shit in it#then i regret i had even posted something here.... i start to think its my fault that those people left such nasty comments...#i should've stayed in my comfort zone or smth#its really a mystery while i keep getting hurt really bad but keep doing it (there is a lot of good comments too! yknow)#probably my adhd is an answer#anyway after all this shit you really lose the point....point of fun drawing...that you draw like that because its nice and funny in the fp#but to came back into community that already needs no explanation for them to understand your art is a true salvation...#vagun1ka speaks
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in my brain ashe is trans but in a way that doesnt change his external presentation at all. maybe pronouns when shes feeling fun. literally the “i may be nonbinary but i have an evil book so i dont really care about that rn” but he never ends up really caring about it. puts on lipstick once and feels weird about it but LOVES painting his nails. hates the thought of wearing a dress but is really happy when he gets called ma’am by baristas who think she’s an exhausted college student studying for finals (he was studying his evil book). shaves religiously and never wants to go on estrogen. mark is so awkward about talking about anything but he always calls ashe his Kid instead of son or daughter and if ashe thinks about tbat too much he feels like crying. defaults to androgynous outfits but sometimes he’ll do really subtle shit like curling his hair to make his face a bit more femme or wearing a tshirt with a neckline that comes across a bit more masc. points at ashe winters and queers the fuck outve his gender
#pd#There’s Something Trans Happening Here#i love the trans woman ashe thing the fandom seems to have going on#huge agree yes#but iam allowed to have one trillion headcanon and i will take advantage of that#i dont think he’s comfortable chasinf after any ideals of masc or femme#i think he just. Figures out what he likes#and doesnt fight to put a name on it#she is who he is and theres comfort in that#its like the hero vs villain idea and how she doesnt really fit into either world#but she doesnt have to FIT when it comes to gender#she just gets to be herself
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there are times when you write something and it's not your best , but somewhere out there whether you know it or not you just made someone really happy. so it's worth it i think
#ryan's screaming#just thinking#ive had writing that i consider not very noteworthy get really touching comments and it just. well#no art no matter how little is without impact#because even if all it did was make someone grin thats still huge. you know?#even if its a snippet . if it made someone laugh or made someone emotional then you did Something#i guess ive just been wondering about my place in this community a little#and sometimes i feel like maybe my work doesnt have a profound impact or whatever. but what does that even Mean#ive had someone say my writing made them feel more comfortable with themself. just bc my writing doesnt get thousands upon thousands of hits#-doesnt mean that that doesnt mean anything . of course it means something#i dont think art has to be good or perfect or popular to be worth something#it just has to be there#(<<if none of this is coherent im so sorryNDJDJD)
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what if i-
best friend clears her whole schedule before she even reads where
-Love is your second nature, love is your language. Love! or whatever that one uquiz said about me
#i love her truly and fully#she bought me so many small things which just reminded her of me in our absence#it was this cute candy that was questionably edible and cute sticky notes and cute small popcorn#and we are both so serious but when it comes to cute little things they mean something to us especially when they come from one another#and she got us these kids friendship bracelets in shape of cats to put on our bags#and i just love her#we dont talk often but every time we do its like a hug#its finally seeing somebody loving me as much as i love them#friendship is sacred and i know ours is to her#0 notes to me#sometimes the love of your life is the friendship we made along the way and i know she would leave her comfort zone for me and i for her#but i cant just........ its pathetic bc i have met her when we were in middle school and i feel like crying sometimes just still seeing her#in my living room#and i dont know i just know she will never abandon me#and only death and pride will make me abandon her and my pride is huge and a monster i would kill just to speak with her if it ever comes#between us#sorry for gushing about one of my closest friends she just wont let me be lonely and dramatic on here today i guess lol
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my official take on the moon/qibli/winter love triangle is that winterwatcher is a much grander, epic romance, and moonbli is a much more level, sweet-and-simple romance, but ultimately i think it was a better decision to have the latter be the canon romance in a series primarily marketed towards children and teens than fall into the "bad boy" romance trope, and instead romanticize the earnest, genuine, sweet relationship
obviously there's way more nuance to this involving internalized/unconscious bias, and winter doesn't even REALLY fit into the "bad boy" archetype, but purely based on genre conventions, the gruff, rude, brooding, tortured hero VERY often falls into that category, and at the ages of 7-14 most of us were very LIKELY to be romanticizing that archetype, which again is very often treated as interchangeable with the "abusive bad boy" trope, and while i might have a few gripes with the writing of moonbli and i ENJOY winterwatcher a whole lot, i DO appreciate the more gentle, "safe" romance being treated as the ideal, rather than the tense and angst-filled nature of the alternative
#i could talk about this way more but im in the middle of rereading dod so itll have to wait#what i DO have to add is like. something something the ideal romance being the calmer safer one and how - for me at least -#those years of my life were so complicated and difficult and i made this image of romance out to be this massive painful epic tale#of heartbreak and passion and huge declarations of love and everything#but ultimately; imparting the lesson to children that a romantic relationship should be SAFE - it should be your comfortable place#where youre happy and content and feel warm and secure - is MUCH better#than pressing upon them the idea that it should be this epic battle of tension and painful pining and everything#(whether its something simply overlooked in the writing or not; the fact is winter also DIDNT ever apologize to moon for#all the hurtful things he said or did - which isnt to say hes a BAD GUY i love winter so much -#but i think romanticizing those kinds of dynamics - which is tricky but CAN be done - is better saved for works marketed towards#more mature and emotionally intelligent audiences than i think wof might be meant for)#ANYWAY I HAVE LOTS OF THOUGHTS#god im so glad i got back into this series. the literary love of my life#mine#wof#winter#moon#qibli#wings of fire#winterwatcher#moonbli#meta
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mmm read a hurt/comfort Zoro fic recently and like. I get it now. That guy DOES hurt so pretty. kinda wanna try my hand at it.
-
A voice disappeared.
Zoro stopped in his tracks, feet rooted to the spot.
Who was it? Where? How-?
Just barely, he managed to block a blade aiming for his neck.
Luffy was ahead of him, laughing his head off. The cook was a bright flaming beacon in the sky.
The rest? C'mon take a count, Zoro. Make sure.
Usopp. Nami. Chopper. Jinbei. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
What? Two? No, where were-
His breath hitched as he blocked another attack.
Calm down. Take a breath. Count again.
Usopp. Nami. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
Fuck. They couldn't-
No, they had to have left the battlefield. These guys were smallfry, even for the so called "weakling trio".
Zoro took a moment to focus on the enemy around him. He let off a tatsumaki before focusing again.
One at a time, Zoro. Come on.
Usopp.
Robin.
Sanji.
Zoro jerked, eyes wide and searching frantically.
"No, no no no no no. He can't have-" Luffy would never leave before the battle was done, not without making some kind of grand exit. He wouldn't leave without telling Zoro- telling anyone- about it.
He wouldn't up and disappear into thin air like that. Not unless-
Zoro shook his head roughly. They were fine, he just couldn't see them. It would be too much of a coincidence for them all to disappear like that. He just needed to count again, then regroup with Usopp, Robin, and the cook, and figure out what was going on.
Stay calm, Zoro. Losing your head won't find your friends.
So, again, Zoro breathed. And Zoro counted.
Usopp.
The only voice left, was Usopp.
Zoro wasted no time.
He sprinted as fast as he could, cutting down anyone in front of him almost as an after thought, as he bulldozed towards Usopp's voice.
He'd nearly made it too, when some dead man kicked his side hard enough to stop him in his tracks.
Zoro turned to him, a snarl on his face. "Get out of my way before I kill you."
"Huh?" The man sneered. "I should be saying the same thing, watch where you swing those swords, asshole."
Zoro was about to retort when he noticed Usopp's voice moving away from him. He didn't have time for this.
Without warning, Zoro moved to slice through his opponent and, to his surprise, the man blocked it with ease.
"You wanna go? Here and now?" the man growled. "I'll kick your fucking ass."
This man- Zoro has never met him before, but nonetheless felt he would need to pay him his full attention to have a chance at winning.
But Usopp was getting farther and farther-
Oh, Zoro could hit himself.
"USOPP!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, startling the man. "STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, I'LL BE THERE SOON!"
Usopp didn't respond, but he stopped moving, and that was good enough for now.
"Hey!" The man yelled, pressing down on Zoro's swords. "Whatever you need him for can wait until after our battle's over. He's got his own problems to deal with."
Zoro didn't bother wasting his breath. He cut and slashed, throwing attack after attack without abandon. It didn't matter if he was wasting his energy, he needed to get to Usopp before- before-
The man, infuriatingly, blocked almost every blow, and got a few hits in on Zoro himself.
Zoro would get to Usopp, even if it killed-!
Suddenly, there was a crackle in the air and all at once, Zoro's nerves lit up with pure unfiltered pain.
He dropped to his knees, blurry vision wavering on black shoes. He couldn't feel his arms. Or his face. And his head was getting lighter and lighter.
Zoro's fading thoughts were prayers, to a god he didn't believe in, to keep his friend safe.
-
"GYAHHH, ZORO'S GONNA KILL ME!"
"Nami-swan, a little help please?" Sanji said, voice uncharacteristically strained.
"If you're asking, how can I say no?" Nami said, smirking. "Get out of the way... now!" The moment Sanji pushed off Zoro's swords to hop away, she brought down her Thunderbolt Tempo on top of Zoro. He fell to his knees before crumbling to the ground, twitching.
"You could've knocked him out on your own though, why ask for my help?" Nami asked.
"Ah well, it seemed he had a couple screws loose and I didn't want to kill what little braincells were remaining." Nami nodded in understanding.
The two of them turned to Usopp as he inched his way closer. He carefully prodded Zoro's thigh with his boot. "He's really unconscious, right? Not gonna get up anytime soon?"
Nami shrugged. "It's always hard to tell with him. But don't worry," -she stood tall, holding out her Climatact- "I'll shock him as many times as necessary."
"That means I get to live another day, so you have the Usopp deal of approval." Usopp gave her a thumbs up.
"What'd you even do to get him so pissed at you, Usopp?" Nami asked.
"Nothing!" He paused and looked away. "Well, nothing recently."
"He wasn't just mad," Sanji said. "He looked..." Scared, Sanji wanted to say. But the word was so... simple. Too simple. And it didn't explain the desperation in his eye. The wet sheen. The way he hardly blinked.
The way he kept himself facing the direction Usopp was in, revealing his constant use of Haki.
This wasn't just Zoro scared. This was Zoro terrified.
And Sanji had never seen him terrified before.
"...off," Sanji settled on, furrowing his brow. "He looked off."
Nami and Usopp hummed in thought.
The three of them stared down at Zoro's prone body. An ominous dark puddle started growing under him.
The three of them sighed.
"I'll call Chopper-" Usopp felt a tug on his ankle. He looked down. Zoro's hand was holding his boot. "I thought you said he was unconscious!" he yelled, trying to break his grip unsuccessfully.
Sanji poked Zoro with his shoe. Zoro didn't move. "He's still unconscious, so you're gonna have to be his teddy bear."
"What?! No!" He gripped onto Sanji's shirt. "Sanji-kun pleaaaaase free me before my ankle's crushed in his sleep!"
Sanji rolled an eye. "You'll be fine."
"Then can you go get Chopper? Zoro's losing a lot of blood."
"The mosshead'll be fine too. Also," -Sanji pointed to Luffy and Chopper doing some kind of strange combo attack, with Chopper in Heavy Point using Luffy as a whip- "I don't wanna break up their fun."
"Sanji-kun," Nami piped up. "Go get Chopper, please."
"Of course, Nami-swan!" Sanji immediately ran off.
-
The two of them quietly watched him go.
"Did you see what caused this?" Usopp asked.
Nami shook her head. "I know about as much as you do: Zoro suddenly taking out a big group at once and then charging towards you." She bit her lip. "I don't think he recognized Sanji."
Usopp sighed, squatting down to pull the bandana from green hair. He stared at the slackened face of his friend, hands tightening in dark fabric.
"What happened to you, Zoro?"
#one piece#roronoa zoro#nemo the writing ho#oh crap i think i accidentally started a multi-chapter when i meant o write a drabble aaaaa#the gist of this is. devil fruit or marine weapon or something. fucks with zoros head. so he thinks his crew has disappeared one by one#and its like. a subtle thing. which is why nobody notices until Zoros bulldozing toeards Usopp#tbh i have no clue where to go from here i just wanted to cause him some hurt#ack. this has not enough zoro pain#ah well. late night drabbles are. well. late night drabbles.#ohhh perhaps. perhaps even after this whole thing is resolved. zoro has hella trouble sleeping.#bc hes afraid he'll fall asleep and he eont be able to hear his friends voices anymore#so he takes as many night watches as possible. he doesnt take naps anymore. stays up even without having watch#all this just to obsessively check and recheck his Haki.#and then visit each and every one of them to confirm with his own eye that they were still here. still alive#haha yeah. itd probably take awhile to be comfortable enough to sleep again#maybe the only way he feels safe to do so at first is to be in a huge pile with his friends sleeping on or around him#oh fuck now im making myself hella sad#okay thats enough for tonight its bed time
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I wanna go outside :( I wanna go sit in the garden and look at the plants :(( but it's the hottest it's been all week today :((( auuuuugh
#marquilla#me in the comfort of my air conditioned room: i should go outside :) i bet it won't be so bad :) how bad can it be? :)#i mean i have to go out and water today bc i didnt yesterday (the soil was still wet bc i watered the night before) but uaghh#the garden spiders are finally starting to grasp that if they stay on the tomato cages (and catch the gnats and shit) that ill leave them be#rather than them trying to string up the whole backyard between the gardening posts where i walk#like babies ill leave you alone if you eat these ants and gnats but you gotta stay out my way first#the one tiny spider by the gate caught a weevil or something the other day like its so much bigger than her sgdgdgdggd like good for you#enjoy that fucker for WEEKS! hell yeah! keep that shit out the flower bed yeah! sure!#the zucchini plants are so fucking huge already like taking up the whole pot theyre in 😭 and the cucumbers are finally realizing they can#grasp UP and grab the tomato cages so they can get higher and higher like yes!! up! up! go up!#meanwhile the one tomato plant is like hmmmm no ❤ ab growing and the other is already giving a baby tomato like hell yeah#the sunflower seeds are finally sprouting up! im excited for those to come up
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somewhere in there, he’s still grieving
#evil dead#ash evil dead#ashley williams#ash williams#horror#horror movies#fanart#2023#cyanidas#cartoon blood#eye contact#grief is a huge part of my fanart sometimes#its something that is just so personal to me#ash is such a comfort character kfjgkgj we've both got The Ptsd#when ur traumatized sometimes you feel like there's a part of you that can never look away from the traumatic thing#like having a second pair of eyes that are always looking at it#i wonder if that's how he feels#if there's a part of him that never left that cabin#his mind's eye is always looking at the sight of his friends and family's corpses in horrific detail#the alarm bell in his heart never stopping. always screaming.#they're gone. they're gone. they're gone.
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//saw an absolutely ice cold take that tweek shouldn't have a coffeeshop of his own when he gets older bc his parents & their coffee is what caused most of his problems, and i'm like... it's about retribution, it's about allowing him to run their business better than they did, to become more successful than they did without using underhanded methods and hurting people, it's about the despite, it's about letting him thrive despite, despite, despite
#misc :: ( ooc )#//i actually hc tweek as being genuinely passionate about coffee#//like DESPITE his parents there is comfort in the familiar; it's what he knows#//when he's having a better day mentally and his parents aren't down his throat about something#//he doesn't really MIND making drink orders for people#//tumblr has suuuuuch a huge problem with characters reclaiming the thing that hurt them tho#//even tho that's LITERALLY what i did with south park so ofc it was gonna get projected onto one of my sp muses LKJFDSKJDF#//tumblr is back on their ''there's only one way to be a victim and that's having a COMPLETE repulsion to the thing that hurt you'' bullshi#//it's his PARENTS he has a problem with; coffee is an innocent and has never done anything wrong in its life 😭#//and yeah for a while he DOES avoid coffee bc he doesn't think he wants to work in a coffeeshop anymore#//and he struggles to find anywhere he fits for SO long bc he's trying to force things he... doesn't really like doing#//and on this blog it's craig who talks him into it like ''hey you LIKE making coffee; why are you not doing that?''#//and it finally clicks for tweek: ''oh yeah why AREN'T i doing that??''#//neither craig or tweek are ~perfect victims~ according to this bullshit website's definition of the term#//if they were they would never speak to each other again bc of tumblr's whole...#//...''you absolutely cannot forgive your abuser under any circumstances'' thing#//anyway tweek's future goth/alt coffeeshop where he offers the occasional free breakfast to homeless people is sexy send tweet#//i'm literally the only one i trust with tweek at this point i'm so serious#//like sorry i know literally EVERYONE has him on their blogs but i Get Him on a different level LKFJDSKJDF
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Double Edged Dagger of Beauty
Dear fics that explore how Edward grew up always being hot shit (either physically being an attractive person, mentally with how good of a pirate he was, or having achieved so much at a certain age), and how insecure he is as he ages and loses what makes him 'special', I love you.
I think this is due to being raised as a woman, but so much of my life has been waiting to be enough. Hot enough for a partner, smart enough to be respected or strong enough to be worthy of someone's time. To not being seen as weak... But it's years later that I'm just starting to realize that I will never be enough if I keep waiting on someone to tell me I'm enough, you know?
Usually, these themes are explored in a mid-life crisis way, but I recently read a fic where Ed contemplates if he only earned respect/love from his crew/Izzy thanks to being an attractive person. That his worth is only tied to what he is as a shell. On the outside. Tying it back to canon by pointing out how as soon as Edward stopped being Blackbeard, he was alone, and Stede had to be the friendly face in his life, not his first mate or old crew.
Then he contemplates what his life would be like if he was nothing special, would he even still be alive? Would he have lasted 20+ years? This is all during a mental spiral, where he feels unconnected to his body. I don't know, but it hit really close to home.
I'd love to hear y'alls thoughts on this, start a whole conversation...Especially those who spend more time in Ed spaces than I do.
#This also comes after me reading a shit ton of Stede/Ed where Stede reassures Ed he's beautiful or something like that after a melt down#Which yeah if Eds feeling insecure that CAN help#but being told you're lovable becuase of things you Are and not what you can DO can be such shitty feeling#Seriously#Edward is such a lovable character and yet I see a shit ton of authors writing about Stede realizing he loves Ed because he's hot#BABES if that was Stede's issue they'd be fuckin by ep 8. He LOVES Ed#and who Ed is as a weird#person#Ed is smart#clever#willing to go out of his comfort zone for people he cares about#LIKE can we stop calling Taika Waititi hot for five minutes and discuss the psychology of the character Edward Teach#To be fair it's a huge issue in Izzy/Ed fics where Izzy has a giant crush for years and the only explanation is 'Young Ed'=Hot. Like....#Obviously#attraction isn't something to demonize but when its one of the few features a romantic partner comments on..idk it feels yucky#gentlehands#steddyhands#blackhands#edward teach
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the more someone tries to shove a ship to my face (even one that i really like) the more my insides want to create a rarepair instead
anyway have i told yall the idea of WandererxTighnari I've got going on in my brain or would y'all like to take a moment for my HaiKaeNo agenda
#kaeyachi randoms#look i actually love cynonari and haikaveh#cynonari mellowed down a bit thank heck but then haikaveh came in#and the people are legit pointing out every single detail about them and its filling up my social medias#and im feeling overfed? is that a thing? basically its something i like to eat but i got too much of it and need something else...#but no fr pls consider the angst and comfort wanderer and tighnari could have#and haikaeno is haitham kaeya and cyno#the 3 of them are sharp words cunning with underlying care and a huge dose of overprotectiveness on all parties#maybe im just a rarepair shipper after all
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playing josh as someone whos attempting to be overtly nice is really interesting. i don't think he was like that before all of the events of my rp josh, but i do think josh has this constant back and forth issue of overly chillax/people pleasing behavior because he doesnt have the energy or tollerance to fight with people ,and being the most bitchy catty snarky piece of shit ever.
#that was also something i really didn't like anout a lot of fan stuff with josh is they either went too hard on the woobified UWU josh or#too hard on the hardcore asshole drunk alcoholic snarky side. and both are so annoying to me#because its like yeah but also!!! you have to remember he is THE universal big brother. LIKE TO THE WHOLE GROUP.#and this isn't just them labeling him as that he openly accepts it and plays into it!!! and also!!!! gfucking!!!!#josh had to step up and help parent the twins due to bobs neglect and that MAKES you like that you know because i imagine hed stop#caring about his own comfort and mostly only priotize clearing conflict LIKE HE DOES AT THE BEGINING OF THE GAME i dont know i dont know#i think hes really docile until he feels like someone else is being effected OR until he feels like hes being talked down to/condescended t#to*#considering his whole issues with being told what to do and feeling smarter than people. he wants to be an overseer but that also means not#having a huge reaction to things. which i think is a big part of his character. and then having HUGE explosive reactions later one when#alone or no longer able to hold it in#txt
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In my memory, his funny moments early on were him being the straight-man in the comedy. He made deprecating remarks both about himself and others. The funniness was from the set up and cartoonish physical comedy.
Sokka in the later half of the show still has some of those characteristics. He's still suspicious of things to a funny degree but it's no longer deprecating in the same way. He still has some straight-man moments but more often he tries to be intentionally funny.
The interesting thing about Sokka and Katara's sibling dynamic was how they traded off who was serious and who was goofy. The levelheadedness was passed back and forth. Early on, Katara got to be the fun and approachable one, and Sokka filled in the role of suspicious and trying to be The Man. Then later on Katara has some more serious moments and Sokka kinda feels the pressure and does his best to alleviate with jokes or reassurance.
I saw someone post about how they hope the writers got rid of Sokkas “stupid humor” for the live action show and like damn I don’t think someone had fundamentally misunderstood a character more.
Sokkas humor is a huge part of his character and shows a major aspect of his growth. At the beginning of the show Sokka is NOT the funny guy. In fact, he’s the most serious dude in his village. In the pilot, Aang and Katara are off playing with penguins while Sokka is literally putting on war paint and preparing to defend the rest of the village from a Fire Nation war ship. He has been the only man in his village for like four years. And he’s only fourteen. Sokka doesn’t make jokes at first, and when he does they’re usually sexist because his whole thing is about how much of a man he is. Sokka developing humor signifies his growth is a thousand ways. How he learns to respect others. How he starts to make friends. And more importantly, how he turns from a man back into a boy.
#there's also a very interesting discussion to be had abt how Sokka definitely has respect for women in the frist few episodes#its just limited to the elders of his tribe#and that makes sense with the world we see but also tells you something abt how he sees himself#Sokka is the oldest boy in his village. didn't make the age bracket for men leaving on war campaign & his dad said to protect the village#the women are probably doing okay but a huge chunk of their community is gone and with it goes some comfort and security#sure the women can hunt. but they probably dont like the reminder that THEY have to. cause their men are gone#their husbands and brothers and sons are gone with a chance of never returning and that puts stress on them not just physical but emotional#and Sokka is the oldest boy and trying to fill those boots.#im not saying the village instilled misogyny in him but just like a modern man remebering the 50s fondly when men where men...#he probably remembers his childhood when women could rely on their husband to do the job he likes and go hunt#and this nostalgia glasses view distorts everything#anyway thats a separate discussion sorry for filling your notifs with my rambling theories
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sometimes i think about how whatever my brain does makes me unable/unwilling to return to old media that used to affect me because of the likelihood of it affecting me again
#(sorry theres a lot stuff in the tags)#this is about the thing i call the 'audience' that i dont really talk about much#in which i feel the presence / feel like im being observed by characters#i have to avoid like almost all content of shad/ow and bo/ne because a certain group became part of my 'audience'#and it made me very uncomfortable and honestly i was pissed#dont get me wrong i loved the show and i loved those characters but i need them to stay out of my head y'know?#i want to rewatch fai/ry ta/il because it was a HUGE part of my teenage years but i dont what it to affect my 'audience'#cuz its possible#because i was VERY attached to several of the characters#like theres a chance i can enjoy it passively like most shows i watch now but its really long so the risk is still there#its just that nowadays the feeling's stronger and i think about it more because im alone more and talk to myself more#and i like having some semblance of control over it to preserve my comfort#i can tolerate that one jester entering my audience every now and then as long as he leaves just as quickly (which he does thankfully)#but other characters? no thank you#you are not permitted entry#this used to happen with EVERY movie i watched as a kid#i remember it was quite consistent#it would be almost routine that the characters of a movie i watched with my family would tag along with me for a few days#back then i was confident and whatnot cuz i was a kid so i'd 'show off' or something#like 'ha i did that thing very well i bet they're all in awe right now'#but now im riddled with anxiety. so you can imagine how feeling watched constantly would affect me.#its to the point where i have to have a blanket over me for privacy to do things like write or draw heavily indulgent things#especially if that thing has to do with someone in the audience (you know EXACTLY who this applies to)#thats why i dont do that very often cuz its. inconvenient. and i dont like my devices overheating. under a blanket.#anyways i just wanted to rant about it even if it wont make sense to most of you#bean's random thoughts#all this to say i've gotten very used to only one character (the most special <3) being in my audience and any change throws me for a loop
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usually what i do is i have him have his long hair before the omnium goes and then shaves it all off when things get really really bad and then it grows back out to where it is now. i think i have a specific read on him where it would be something more important to him than canonically indicated so i think about it a loooooot.
#like i think hes a guy who doesnt know who he is and doesnt feel in control of who he is or how hes seen#so i think taking that control in particular ways. vis a vis tattoos and the mask and his hair. are kind of a big deal#and i think vis a vis the mohawk i think that reflects. in my mind hes just a more comfortable person as he gets older and spends less time#alone and more time Doing Stuff and having fun#and so i think just being able to cut it again and have it not be a huge deal this time#not like. well in my mind cutting his hair and the stuff with the mask after everything goes bad#is kind of a shame thing in a way. disowning the person that he was and making himself into something different for better or for worse.#in the same way that i kind of talk about him distancing himself from the idea of mako really hard and then eventually finding#a comfortable way to exist as both. its the same thing in my mind
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