#its largely there to keep these two idiots interacting

[serasfanfiction]

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

The next few days were peaceful. The kind of peaceful Lucifer hadn't experienced since the Hotel was in the process of being rebuilt. He hadn't realized how much stress Alastor was causing him until he backed off.

Lucifer might even have gotten a full nights sleep last night! That hadn't happened in an especially long time!

(He wasn't thinking about the fact that his sleep had been haunted by the caress of teeth along his neck or glimpses of red, red sated eyes.)

The images threatened to steal his attention, even as he tried to bury them down with all the other things he was refusing to think about at this point. He forced himself to pay attention, tuning in as Charlie said, excitedly, "She's already spending half her time here! It's really only a matter of time before she agrees to join us full time!"

The campaign to get Cherri Bomb to join the Hazbin Hotel had been having mixed results since the fight with Adam and her participating in the rebuilding. She was clearly here mostly for Angel, but it seemed that the other denizens of the hotel were growing on her. Charlie was correct in that the cyclops spent just as much time at the hotel as she did were ever else she landed when she wasn't with them. She even had a room of her own, even if she didn't officially claim it. It definitely helped it was right next door to her best friend.

Lucifer patted her shoulder. "She'll come around in her own time. Remember, for this to work, they have to actually want it."

Charlie placed her hand over her father's, biting her lip and near bursting with excitement. "I know, but it just feels like we're so close! It'll be so great when she agrees."

"Yes, but in the meantime, we'll just continue to make her feel welcome." He smiled at her proudly. "Which you're already doing so well at!"

Charlie's returned the smile, pleased with his feedback.

The moment, like so often when one lives in Hell, was suddenly and abruptly interrupted by the entire building shaking.

Angel appeared on the landing of the second floor, the one that overlooked the main entrance and foyer. "What the hell? We haven't had any shady guests lately, have we?"

Alastor stepped out of the shadows near the entrance, a loud boom ringing out as something large and heavy hit the door.

Lucifer was suddenly glad he had reinforced the structure. It wasn't impossible that someone could break in through brute force, especially if someone was extremely determined, but the sheer effort would give the hotel guests ample time to mount a defense.

Loud shouting came from outside, words unintelligible through the thickness of it. Alastor ignored the hostile aura premating from outside as if he couldn't even feel it, throwing open the door.

"Oh my, you are quite annoying," he greeted the group at their door. The two fellas up front, stooges and the muscle by the look of them, were holding a large battering ram. Alastor eyed it distastefully. "Whatever business could you have with us that is worth all this racket?"

A nervous looking demon cleared his throat, unwisely drawing the Radio Demon's full attention. "We." He swallowed, complexion growing paler the longer Alastor stared at him. In a rush, he stated, "We were sent here to send a message!"

The radio host tilted his head to the side. "Message?"

The group glanced at each other, clearly psyching themselves up. Nodding, the 'leader' proclaimed, "Yeah, 'give up this shitty mission, or else.'"

"Or else what?"

The group collectively drew their weapons, an assortment of guns and knives. "Or else we're going to have to use force."

The widening of Alastor's grin should have been a warning. Lucifer would have felt bad for the little idiots for not seeing the flaming pile of shit they had just stepped in, but they were in the process of threatening his daughter and that was just a big no go for him.

"Oh, you really don't want to do that." Lucifer came up to stand beside Alastor, hands coming up in a shooing motion. "Like, seriously. Go back to whoever sent you and tell them they don't get a second warning."

The leader blinked down at him. He must have been new to Hell, because he asked, "And who are you?"

"Oh, little ol' me?" Lucifer's wings and horns appeared in all their full glory. "I'm the Devil, bitches."

The group barely had time to do little more than gape before they were sent tumbling arse over head from a powerful gust of wind, curtesy of the before mentioned wings. Fully prepared to rough them up a little before sending them on their way, Lucifer stepped out of the hotel.

Only to be halted by something wrapping around his waist. He glanced down at what appeared to be a shadow about the thickness of a vine. Now, where had that come from?

"Now, now, your Majesty, that won't do."

Ah, yes. Of course, it was one of Alastor's shadow tentacle things.

"Oi! Put me down!" The blond protested as he was picked up and then deposited on one of the second floor balconies.

Alastor didn't bother looking back at him. His tone was that of a parent talking to a particularly petulant child as he ordered, "Why don't you stay up there for a bit? There's really no need for you to get involved."

Lucifer had half a mind to take not just the goons out, but Alastor as well, but ultimately decided to let the Radio Demon have his fun. Besides, he was looking a little peckish lately. "Just leave one alive so they can tell their boss to back off!"

Down below, Charlie chimed in with, "Or we could leave all of them alive?"

Alastor near cackled as he grew in size, the invaders suddenly realizing they were in serious danger and attempting to make a run for it. Shadow creatures began to rise out of the ground, breaking off their get away. "Nonesense!" Alastor disagreed cheerfully. "Everyone mysteriously disappearing is a much more delicious way of keeping people on their feet!"

Lucifer rolled his eyes. Oh, he bet it was 'delicious.'

A noise behind him drew his attention. Lucifer looked over his shoulder, finding himself eye to eye with a wolf demon he'd never seen a day in his life. Especially not one that had no business sneaking into the hotel with a knife he was clearly intending to use.

They started at each other for a long moment. The guy must have been an idiot, because he apparently decided he wanted to take his chances and attempt to stab the King of Hell himself.

Lucifer reached up, fully intending to catch the blade. Under normal circumstances, weapons made in Hell couldn't hurt him and would have just shattered on contact.

But this blade wasn't just an ordinary blade made it Hell. Lucifer realized it must have been made from Angelic Steel when the knife cut straight through his hand like a hot knife through butter. He winced, despite himself. Somehow, he'd forgotten how much that could hurt.

The wolf demon made the mistake of not pressing his advantage, seeming to think that the pain of something as simple as a knife through the hand would be enough to make the first being to ever lead a rebellion against a real army to pause. Oh no, all it did was infuriate him.

Lucifer pressed his hand down the knife further, allowing him to take hold of the hilt. The demon's grip went slack with shock, allowing the blond to wretch it out of his hand. With his good hand, Lucifer yanked the offensive object out, carelessly tossing it onto one of the other neighboring balconies, where it would be of little use during this battle and could be retrieved later. "Oh, that was a very poor decision." Giving no quarter, he darted forward to wrap his hand around the demon's throat, wings flapping to give him the hieght to do so. "Tell me why you're up here, before I decide to be rid of you regardless."

The wolf grunted, hands clawing uselessly at his arm. He managed to choke out, "Like we said: we're just here to send a message."

Lucifer looked down at where Alastor was rounding up the last couple of stragglers, tossing a third into his mouth. The little nervous demon from before appeared to have peed himself from fright. The seraphim turned back to his captive. Something told him that those boo zoos were a mere distraction and this was the real leader of the group. Shaking him a little, Lucifer demanded, "Who sent you?"

A sneer came in response. "We're just for hire. We get a call and we do the job, no questions asked."

Lucifer realized he wasn't going to get anything of use out of this guy. And since he was likely the only real threat of the group, the blond didn't feel comfortable letting him be the return messenger.

A beat of his wings had them air born, bringing them to hover over Alastor, who's ears perked up as he realized he was about to get another morsel. "Whelp, in that case, it sounds like you're useless to me. Guess I'll just hand you over to the Alastor--"

"W-wait!" The wolf demon frantically choked out, "Isn't this p-place for s-second chances! Your d-daughter believes in that s-shit, doesn't she?"

Lucifer's eyes narrowed. "You're right. My daughter does have a gift for seeing the best in people, even when there isn't any. But me? My curse is that I'm damned to always see the worst in all of you." Between one blink to the next, he let his form bleed into it's most demonic, hellfire igniting and his broken halo taking form as the true crown of Hell manifested. His True Eyes opened along his coat, Seeing right through this worthless soul and all of his sins. "Tell me, honestly, do you regret, even a little, for pushing Elizabeth in front of that train? Did you care in the least that her husband only had a handful of voicemails to remember her voice by? That her son grew up without any memories of his own mother?"

The wolf demon gasped for breathe, eyes wild. "The- the reporter? I had to kill her." He squirmed and yanked to no avail, Lucifer's hand like steel around his neck. Frantically, he added, "She was no-no one! She- she was going to ruin everything!"

Lucifer sneered. "Wrong answer."

Without hesitation, he opened his fist. The wolf demon shrieked as he fell, the shrill sound abruptly cutting off as Alastor closed his mouth around his treat.

The nervous little demon, perhaps smarter than they gave him credit for, took advantage of the distraction to make his get away. Alastor let him in favor of watching his king, eyes alight and calculating.

Lucifer hovered above him, every one of his eyes trained on the sinner below him. He realized that while he had seen Alastor in his full eldritch form during their first meeting, this would be the first time Alastor was seeing him in his own full demonic form.

Alastor, like in every aspect of his life, neither blinked nor cowered. He brought up a hand, the motion that puppet slowness he'd showed when Lucifer had manifested the pair of deer ears. He brought it up until it hovered just below the Devil's feet.

Lucifer squinted at him, not trusting that if he let himself land in Alastor's hand, the latter wouldn't just drop him out of spite.

He never found out either way, as he became distracted by Charlie's alarmed shout of "Oh my goodness, Dad!"

Alarmed, Lucifer spun around, his demonic features melting away into his normal appearance. "Charlie? What's wrong?" He came down to land in front of her, reaching out to make certain nothing had gotten past them to hurt her. "Are you okay?"

Charlie grabbed onto his hand, causing him to wince. Horrified, she cried out, "Forget me! Your hand is hurt." She hissed as she assessed the full extent of the damage. "Oh shit, it went all the way through!" She twisted around to shout back at the other behind her. "Vaggie! Bandages!"

Lucifer held up his free hand. "It's fine, sweetie, really. It'll heal up in no time. Really, I'd be more worried about any survivors. Alastor is way too enthusiastic for a guard dog." He glanced over his shoulder at Alastor, who had shrunk down to his normal size. Lucifer caught a glimpse of a gold coated tongue past the the hand the red head had up to his mouth. Lucifer found himself reassessing if Alastor had been offering him a hand after all or if he had just been taking the opportunity to get another taste of angel blood.

Judging by the pleased look on the deer demon's face, and the fact that he was letting 'guard dog' comment slide, it was most likely the latter.

And this was why Lucifer had trust issues when it came to this little shit.

Charlie tugged him towards the inside of the hotel, saying something about bandaging his hand. He was forced to break eye contact with his rival or keep his daughter from carrying on with his fretting. Really, it was all too much. It would take longer than the usual for injury to heal - the scar would barely be noticeable in a few days! - there was really no need for all this fussing! He even tried to say as such, which turned out to be a bad idea, because now Charlie was making sad eyes at him and really he was just going to be quiet and let her do her thing because it was so much better than her crying.

In the mess of the clean-up, Lucifer completely forgot about the angelic blade.

tbc

Part 5

[thefailedabortioon]

|| Carlos de Vil & a crush • X F!Reader

warnings: n/a

authors note: it isnt mentioned who your parent is its up to you for that! mb if its messy i havent written an x reader in like an eon LMAO.

summary: carlos de vil tries to deal with a crush and has his first interaction since first seeing her. (alternate title: jay is an amazing wingman.)

word count: roughly 900 words

A red ball bounced off the wall of Carlos’ and Jay’s shared dorm. Dude chased after it, tongue sticking out as he panted. When Carlos received the ball back, it’d been completely soaked in dog slobber, earning a disgusted groan from him.

“Ugh, Dude.”

“What? I don’t have hands for paws!” The Brussels Griffon retorted.

Carlos rolled his eyes and turned over to Jay, who’d recently set up a little punching bag for training. It’s all he ever came to the room to do besides sleeping.

“What am I gonna do, man? Do you think she even likes me?” Carlos had recently taken a sudden interest in a girl that’d passed by him in the Great Hall… flowing dark hair, elegant clothes (she actually managed to make the uniform look good), and her face. God, her face. Carlos could stare at her for days. She’s seriously all he’d been thinking about.

“Chillax, she probably doesn’t even know your name.” Jay realized what he’d said and stopped hitting the punching bag for a second to look at his woeful friend, “Or… she does! And she’s curious about you too!” He tried to keep his spirits high and uplifting, surprising behavior for the guy if Carlos was being honest.

“I’m doomed.”

“Just talk to her, you coward!” Dude yipped, beady black eyes piercing into Carlos’ own. “You need to get to know her name first before you start thinking way ahead, you know?!”

Jay cut in, “Wait, you don’t even know her name?!” He cackled, running his both hands through his hair in amusement.

“Shut up! Oh my, God!” Carlos threw a pillow towards Jay, hiding his face behind his hands.

“It’s pathetic. Really!” Dude barked out, making biscuits on the pillow Carlos threw at Jay.

Carlos turned to his side, facing the wall. He hugged himself tightly, crossing his arms over his chest for comfort. He brought his knees down, letting his legs hang from the foot of the bed.

It didn’t take a while for Jay to finally take pity on him. He sat beside Carlos on his bed, muscular arms resting behind his back. “Sounds to me you really… like her.” If it wasn’t any more obvious. Jay snickered to himself. “What if I lend you a hand?”

At that, Carlos immediately shot up. “What?! What’re you going to do?! Talk to her?!”

“No, you idiot! You’re talking to her.” Jay said with a smug smile. Carlos wasn’t too fond of the idea, what if he messed up? What if the wrong words slipped out? Everything and anything could go wrong!

“No. No! I can’t! She’ll hate me!”

“Carlos.” Jay pulled Carlos to face him, hands gripping his shoulders, his eyes dug deep into Carlos’ own, staring back intensely at two circles of brown. “Man. The hell. Up.”

The other let out an exasperated groan, pulling away from Jay’s grip to let himself fall back flat on the bed.

It shouldn’t have been that hard, right? Jay had already given Carlos a set of questions he can start off with, scribbled messily on the palm of his hand. So the conversation can go smoothly from there.

He turned to look at Jay who hid in a potted plant not too far behind, an earpiece tucked under his long hair. Carlos also wore an earpiece, a lot more visible than Jay’s but it shouldn’t matter.

Jay gave Carlos an assuring thumbs up signal as he ducked down in the leaves.

Carlos took a deep breath, raising a fist to knock against a dorm room, when suddenly it swung open violently, revealing you. The De Vil boy had nothing to say, words getting stuck in his throat.

You both continued to stare at each other before you finally broke the awkward silence. “Uh, can I… help you?” You asked tentatively, fixing your hair at the sight of a visitor.

“Ah- Y-Yes! Uhh…” Carlos swallowed a large lump in his throat, eyes darting back and forth towards a large potted plant and the girl that stood before him. Her. “I’ve… I’m sure I’ve seen you around before, I never c-caught your name though.” He finally spoke, peaking not-so-discretely at his palm.

You gave him your name uncertainly, “And you are…”

“C—“

You cut him off abruptly with a snap of your fingers, “Carlos De Vil! Yeah, I’ve heard of you.”

Carlos winced, “What have you heard about me exactly?”

“Oh, uh…” You hesitated in answering, fidgeting with your fingers, “Not much. You play Tourney right? You’re on the team?” Carlos lit up at the mention of the sport.

“Yeah, yeah! I play! Do- Do you?”

“Um, they don’t allow girls on the team.” You smiled sheepishly and god, did Carlos almost faint on the spot.

“Right…”

“Is that it?”

Carlos paused, dusting his clothes off and straightening up. “Yeah- That’s- That’s all.”

You tilted your head to the side in curiosity, as if waiting for Carlos to say more, but you shrugged and closed the door behind you, excusing yourself. “It was nice talking to you. Bye.”

You shot him a grin, and you could swear his cheeks started turning pink. A giggle only left your lips as you walked past the boy and a mysterious potted plant that suspiciously had a familiar beanie thrown over it. But you paid no mind and strolled away. Cute.

requests are open!!

[vyainide]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ౨ৎ satoru, suguru, shoko, kento & older s/o's

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ2024 ©1864RERUNS

includingㅤ━ㅤgojo satoru, getō suguru, ieiri shōko, nanami kento

tag(s)&warning(s). drabbles, gn! reader, slightly suggestive, unspecified age gap

from vyon. writing nanami's hurt tbh.... he likes his lovers younger, trust me (his no. 1 favourite, sweetest, cutest, unrealest younger one true lover 🎀) on the other hand though..... he deserves to be babygirl'd so hard 😝

satoru, the strongest sorcerer in the world, goes out of his way to find older lovers; he admits he has a problem and he'll never be cured of it. he doesn’t even know he has a track record for picking out more disciplined figures, with an air of maturity that taunts him across the bar; he doesn’t know he ignores the cheeky winks that are thrown at him from the giggly bar patrons who look too young to even be there in favour of staring at the figure sat alone at the bar, making pleasant conversation with the bartender until shoko is kicking him, telling him to stop eye–fucking the poor stranger and just go up to them. he balks, stumbling through excuses when shoko hits him again and tells him that if it doesn't go well and they're not into wide–eyed virgins (ouch and just untrue) that he could always just leave with one of the many girls who were still giggling at him. she slides him the rest of her cocktail for courage and then sends him off, with a smile that is almost proud.

he does, strangely, feel like a virgin when he manages to catch your attention and he blames it on shoko for putting it into his head. satoru tries his best to come off as presentable, a smile on his face as he leaned on the bar and tells the bartender your next drink is on him. he realises later that you were just entertaining him, amusement coloured your face under the dim lighting around the bar. he manages to get your number somehow. the first few dates are great and he has to beg you to let him play for them all; you always give into him, a displeased look on your face as you tuck your wallet back into your pocket and he ignores the fact that he feels both ashamed to be faced with that scolding look and giddy that he gets his way.

what really helps him realise that he's completely smitten with the maturity and care that comes promised with an older significant other is when you're on your first official date. satoru, ever the gentleman, tries to pay. you narrowed a smile at him, calling him 'toru so, so sweetly and telling him to put his wallet back. now. and the order goes straight to his pants, whoops!

suguru is completely unashamed about it. it's a realisation that's slow in its trickling, suguru just realises that growing older, he had no patience for bumbling fools. it was fun when he was young, having a pretty little thing by his side to feel important, to flaunt his abilities as a man to keep an inexperienced thing happy. then, he gets to a certain age and he realises, it's more trying to keep someone who knows what they want satisfied. suguru loves it. strangely, he loves being the pretty little thing attached to the arm of someone older, more experienced, with shoulders set back, head tipped upwards, a clean, businesslike smile always polite on their face. your eyes always stern— even when trailing over suguru regardless of the position.

it's wonderful it is; the fact that he could allow you to mingle through the large hall without worrying that you'll let something slip through a loose mouth, he doesn't have to keep you by his side for fear of you ruining his life's work. you can mingle with the idiotic patrons he's accumulated throughout the years, you know how to interact with them, how to sway their beliefs, and rid them of any hesitancy they may have had about follow suguru's ideals. it's also perfect when it comes with dealing with nanako and mimiko; you love the two just as you love suguru. you've enough experience and patience to deal with two young girls on yourself, lessening the burden on suguru's shoulders.

you've got a wicked tongue that knows how to tell exaggerated promises, how to assure an unsettled mind. not that he likes you for what you've done for his ideals, but it is a plus. the experience you have also means you know when your tongue needs to be held back. because although suguru adores when he's chasing after the words dripping after your tongue, falling victim to your sweet orders, there's also stressful times where he needs to forget that you've your own tongue, powered by your thoughts and not his.

for shōko, age has rarely ever mattered. for a hedonistic woman like herself, she likes what she likes and allows little things to govern those likes. dating for her never comes long–term in all honesty— there are too many unspoken rules that grate her nerves, needing to share her location, reply in a timely manner, fancy dinner dates more than once a month? the ending of her relationships always seemed so one–sided. most of the time, it'd end over text or with them showing up to her apartment or where she worked and finally shouting all their frustrations at her.

though it might seem heartless, shōko rarely ever feels regret for the way she's behaved. she's made it clear on multiple occasions that she wouldn't be any of those things they wanted yet they stayed, probably thinking they'd be the one to change her and shape her into the attentive, caring figure they could show off to friends. even so, she still falls into relationships— it's never her fault that people spin their own fantastical storyline about their future together so she needn't punish herself for it. a recent relationship she gets into is one that she enjoys; it bares more resemblance to an adult relationship, she assumes that it's because you're older than her.

you're more realistic in this manner. you understand that shōko isn't one for fancy dinner dates, she doesn't have time to respond as quickly as you may want due to her job, she can't meet up whenever you want on a whim. you text at your own leisurely pace and let her texts stream in whenever she has a break or two. after a week of no contact, she begins to think the inevitable— further cemented by the fact that her doorbell is ringing at an unfathomable 1am and she knows no one else would be at her door but you. she grimaces, mourns the short–lived but pleasurable relationship, and then opens the door, bracing herself for your rant. it never comes. instead, you slump into her arms with an apology for showing up so late and showing up at all without saying anything beforehand, you tell her you miss her, and you'd like to stay the night. for reasons unknown to herself, she lets you in.

age isn't something that is high on nanami's radar when he looks at potential lovers. as long as it isn't dramatically different from his own, he allows himself to indulge. in his defense, it's not as if he'd turned a certain age and began swearing off those younger than him; nanami found that he still got along well with those who were two, three years younger than him, but never romantically. nanami's ideas of a relationship was fairly traditional; he found that this wasn't the case for many partners who had been younger than him. their ideals, morals, what they placed importance on, long–term plans were all too different. so nanami begins, subconsciously, striving after those who are closer to his age.

atleast, that's how it starts. it gets worse, you see, after he realises that dating in a more refined, mature, jaded age group brings something altogether different into his life. for the first time in a while, nanami is reminded that he's not even thirty yet and he starts to understand why so many doe–eyed, inexperienced girls flocked to him. there's a certain satisfaction he gets from being the apple of someone's eye— someone much older than him, who's lived long enough to have their pick of the litter yet decidedly stays with him, sensible and confident hands dragging down his sides.

nanami kento, all the way into his 20s, learns that he enjoys being pampered. he loves it. adores the unwavering focus he gets when he comes back home to your penthouse and gets to fall into your arms as you work out kinks in his shoulders; he gets to lay there, weightless, as you undress him, soft and slow, pressing kisses on any skin you get exposed before you're urging him up to put on something more comfortable so you can cuddle. that, or he gets to sulk on your bed, sending you pictures of what he was doing throughout the day whilst you were at work, only feeling worse when your texts are late. it's all worth it in the end, when you finally get home, allowing him to do as he wanted. though the wait is gruelling, your warmth surrounding him when you finally sink into bed with him, your touches more wandering and perverse as your mouth presses over fading bruises on his neck.

[3liza]

saw someone talking about "scary dog privilege" on here today and cant find the post again but i guess it refers to when women are bothered less in public when accompanied by a large dog, and bypassing the quibble i have with calling that a privilege, i can absolutely 100% confirm it is true.

i was approached by a 30s-40s single white man wearing the Dipshit Uniform (guy in a baseball cap who looks like he drives an f-150 and has voting opinions i would not agree with) on the street the other day and all he had to talk about was Churchgrim. that he was VERY large, looked like a good boy, obedient, what breed is he, etc. this is the only interaction i get from men in public anymore unless i do not have the dog with me, at which point it goes back to the usual bullshit. however it has to be an actual scary-looking dog and you have to visibly have control of it. this is not why i got a large dog, it's just a side benefit. it probably has a lot to do with the masculine cultural coding of any large dog breed that isnt a poodle or a sight hound more than it does the actual violence potential of the dog, but those two things are related. notably, not a SINGLE man has tried to mansplain dog care or handling to me for five years. not one. i cant explain this because its not like being visible capable at a task or skill will stop them in any other circumstance, including when you are holding a literal firearm.

i remember reading some stupid op-ed from some idiot woman who got a dog "for protection" on her jogs and was baffled when men were not intimidated by her golden fucking retriever (although they should have been; goldens bite a lot, statistically, probably explicitly because people do not take them seriously)

the fact that men's body language and tone of voice has changed so drastically from before when i had a 90lbs black shepherd mix standing next to me is pretty damning tbh. all people both intentionally and unintentionally modulate their communication styles around that type of dog to display respect, interest, or fear, experienced dog people can be identified instantly by their comfort and confidence with the dog, and people with dog phobia are the opposite. the dog instinctively puts himself between me and approaching strangers, probably not out of a defensive instinct in grim's case but because strangers are interesting and he wants to be closer to the object of interest, but the physical barrier this creates is a great benefit to me.

specifically, men talk to me much much much more like they are speaking to another man when the dog is there. part of that is men are often genuinely interested in knowing information about a large dog of grim's type and are not using the dog as an excuse to flirt with or harass me. grim has a phenotype that is familiar to certain experiences within the united states as a "porch dog" or "yard dog" or "farm dog" that everyone who has lived in rural areas has usually known or owned a few notable examples of, and thats a general class of dog that tends to be good at listening and responding to humans and has a lot of opportunities to display intelligence or good judgment, so people with rural experience tend to associate him with good memories. he's also "handsome" in the dog sense because he got to keep his balls until he was 3, on the advice of his vet, and as a result he developed nice-looking musculature and a big thick neck which you dont get on city dogs much. he gets a lot of positive attention from older ladies as well, who you'd think would be afraid of being knocked over, but who are always just besotted with him for reasons i havent quite figured out yet. maybe they like seeing a youngish woman with a dog like this, i know that i feel good and happy when i see younger women and girls in situations where they seem safe or protected to me. i think to myself, "i don't have to worry about her" and i feel relief. observing young women and girls often triggers anxiety for women who are even just a few years older than they are, out of pure empathy. its one reason it's so important to be kind to younger people than you are.

anyway it's damning to the men because of course men don't think rationally that the dog would understand and be offended or angry if they sexually harassed or disrespected me. but they are still on their best behavior because the dog is an implicit threat that i can defend myself. and perhaps not only did they have nothing real to discuss with me before now because they assumed we had nothing in common and that i was an idiot or not human, but they are watching themselves carefully to only express normal human civility. i dont get that from random men without the dog. mostly (not entirely but mostly) i get either casual disrespect/disregard, or outright sexual harassment. when i was younger and less experienced with men and had fewer cycles of these interactions, i was completely unaware of how disrespectful these approaches or comments were, which is the interpretation i can see less-experienced women making now, even if they're my age. and when i was 20, my 30 year old friends seemed pathologically misandrist and defensive to me. it was purely the difference in our actual mileage. that sucks man. wish we could just be normal around people and not have to expect the worst constantly.

anyway, good dog

[crucifiedfaerie]

Kylo Ren — SFW Alphabet

no warnings, just lots of fluff and lil bit of angst !! however, just bc its SFW, doesn't mean i want minors interacting w this, BEGONE !!! TO THE GLUE TRAP YOU GO !

— AFFECTION (how affectionate are they?)

in the beginning of your relationship, affection was very scarce. kylo wanted so badly to open up to you more, but was too afraid to, so when he would catch himself getting too close or too affectionate he would pull away and become that cold and calculated kylo again who you knew all too well. when he did finally admit his feelings, he couldn't get enough of you, as if he were making up for all of the lost time he spent pushing you away.

"i cant believe i waited so long to do this, what a fool i am."

— BEST FRIEND (what are they like as a bestie?)

the only hc i have for you as best friends would be if you grew up together in jedi training... and you guys would fuck w each other CONSTANTLY. like practically bully each other, it's all in good fun though. luke would refer to the two of you as partners-in-many-crimes because of the several messes you'd make doing stupid shit. one time ben almost burned the hut down because you dared him to light fireworks outside of luke's window while he slept. bad fucking idea.

"you idiot, he's going to kill us, you know?"

— CUDDLES (how do they like to cuddle?)

kylo loves holding you. his favorite is when your head is on his chest because it makes it easy for him to play with your hair. he also loves being the big spoon, wrapping his strong arms around your small frame. in those moments you were a tiny, precious thing that he wanted only to love and keep safe.

— DOMESTIC (thoughts on settling down? how would they be helping out around?)

kylo wanted nothing more than to make you his and his only forever. despite how kylo treats literally everyone else, he is a very doting partner and has a huge soft spot for you and only you. he's better at helping with cooking than he is cleaning. anytime he would try to clean, he'd never do it right or fully and you'd end up telling him to stop and do it yourself lol.

"what do you MEAN i'm not doing it right?!"

— ENDING (how would breakups go?)

its simply not happening. if he broke up with you, he didn't actually mean it and said it out of anger in the heat of the moment. if you broke up with him, he would probably lose his mind. his cold façade would shatter into a million pieces and he'd promise he would change, do better, do whatever it was you needed him to do. you were his and the mere thought of anyone else ever having you filled him with insurmountable rage and sadness.

— FIANCEE (how do they feel about commitment?)

kylo is devoted to you wholeheartedly. being his empress and ruling over the first order by his side would only solidify that.

— GENTLE (how gentle are they?)

when he isn't being a freak, he handles you as if you are made of glass. a pretty, precious thing that could break at any moment. if you fall asleep next to the fireplace, he will pick you up and carry you to bed, making sure the blankets are tucked around the both of you in the way you like, so you don't wake up cold in the morning.

— HUGS (do they like hugs? what are their hugs like?)

kylo loves hugging you, and you love hugging him. bc of his height, you are dwarfed by him and his hugs feel like getting tightly wrapped in a large, warm blanket. usually he just bends down to hug you, but sometimes he picks you up.

— I LOVE YOU (how long does it take for them to say the L word?)

again, kylo is terrified of showing weakness, so in the beginning of your relationship he's very cold towards you. every time he was around you he had to fight the strong urges telling him to be honest with you. after a long while, he did finally say it though. he was so nervous when he first said it, his eyes scanning your face for a reaction and his palms sweating. now he reminds you that he loves you all the time, especially if he's going out on a mission and won't be back for a couple weeks.

"don't look so sad, my star. i love you, you know i always come back to you."

��� JEALOUSY (how jealous do they get?)

kylo is as jealous of a man as you can get. the mere thought of someone trying to take you from him fills him with a rage that rivals the fire of a thousand suns. one time he heard a guard having very loud, impure thoughts about his empress so kylo killed him. you have always been much more passive than he is, so you were not happy to see that he had killed someone on your living room floor.

"but my love- his thoughts were so loud! what else was i supposed to do?!"

— KISSES (do they like kissing? what are their kisses like?)

kissing you is kylo's favorite past time. if you both are out and his helmet is on, all he's thinking about is getting home so he can kiss you. sometimes if no one's around, he will lift his mask up just enough so it only exposes the bottom half of his face so he can get a quick kiss or two or eight in. his kisses are warm and never fail to send tingles down your spine, and you always say kylo tastes of cinnamon and smoke. to him, you taste of summer fruit.

— LITTLE ONES (how are they around kids?)

he's indifferent towards other peoples children, thankfully he's less harsh on them than adults, but he isn't pleasant to them either. one time he blew up on a servant boy that was no older than eleven, and you scolded him afterwards. "he's just a child kylo, don't be so hard on him." he has such a soft spot for you and admires the empathy you have for others that he will never have. he promised you he would try to be a little nicer. yours and his children however, he treats as well as he treats you. they are an extension of his beloved, after all. i hc that kylo is a wonderful father, making sure they receive the fatherly love he never got.

— MORNINGS (how do your mornings with them go?)

sometimes on busy days, he's gone by the time you wake up. you always look so beautiful and peaceful when you're sleeping, so he doesn't dare wake you up. instead he kisses your head and whispers that he loves you and that he will return shortly. he knows you can't hear him, but he likes to tell you anyways. on days he doesn't have to leave so early, you stay in bed together. kissing, cuddling, talking, other things. kylo is content doing anything as long as it's with you.

— NIGHTS (how do your nights with them go?)

this is a sfw post, therefore i cannot describe how your nights with kylo would go lmao. please refer to the nsfw abc's. afterwards though, kylo is a doting partner that takes care of you, cleaning you up and tending to every single mark he left on your body that he worships so much.

— OPEN (how open are they? when will they tell you more about themselves?)

the first few months of your relationship is like dating a brick wall, it is not easy getting kylo to open up. once he does though, he makes sure not to hide anything from you anymore. it took a lot of work and patience, but he loves and trusts you wholeheartedly.

— PATIENCE (how patient are they with you?)

kylo has a temper, and he tries so hard, but he does have slip ups sometimes. any time he blows up on you though, he apologizes immediately. you know he loves you because he absolutely hates admitting he was wrong.

— QUIZZES (how much do they remember about you?)

everything. every detail, every like, every dislike, your favorite color, your favorite flower, your blood type, your fears, hopes, and dreams. this man remembers EVERYTHING about you. at least fifty percent of his brain is an archive of facts about you.

— REMEMBER (what is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

the first time you told him you loved him. it was the first time anyone told him they loved him, and you made him feel like he was ben again. he used to be so scared of being that boy he tried so hard to kill, but you held that part of him so tenderly, that he knew he'd be an absolute fool to try to push that away.

— SECURITY (how protective are they of you?)

kylo protects you with his own life and would kill thousands for you, despite your disdain for unnecessary violence. you are the most important thing to him, and he would have to be dead before he let anything happen to you.

— TRY (how much effort do they put into dates/special occasions?)

kylo ren has an ungodly amount of rizz and i stand by that. this man buys you your favorite flowers, he sets up candlelit dinners, he watches the sunset with you, he makes you personalized playlists like every other fuckboy except he doesn't send it to seven other women. whether you're his empress yet or not, he treats you like royalty. @enviedear and i also have a hc that kylo is the type of guy to pick out your nail polish color for you, and then buy a tie to wear that matches.

"you'd look so heavenly in this shade of red, my star."

— UGLY (what is a bad habit of theirs?)

kylo has an awful temper and is prone to outbursts. he tries SO hard to not have a temper with you, but everyone makes mistakes. he always apologizes to you though. i also hc that kylo is a nail biter, idk it just makes sense ?? that man is a caged animal and emotionally damaged, he definitely has anxiety.

— VANITY (how insecure are they? what are they insecure about?)

our poor babygirl is sooo insecure about everything, no matter how much you tell him how beautiful he is. your loving words of affirmation always make him feel a little better though.

— WHOLE (would they feel incomplete without you?)

without you, kylo would return to the broken, shell of a man he was before you. if he somehow lost you, hundreds of innocent lives would be lost due to the rampage he'd go on.

— XTRA (a random headcanon about them)

another hc that liv and i came up with was kylo's and ben's music taste. kylo listens to typical male manipulator music like radiohead, the smiths, and deftones with some angrier shit like slipknot and korn. ben is a different breed of male manipulator that listens to the weeknd and pulls up blasting solo by future. we also hc that both cry alone to lana del rey.

— YUCK (what are some things they dislike?)

anything and everything that isn't you. his least favorite thing though, is when he can hear people's rude or impure thoughts about you. he hasn't told you this, but he's killed at least fifteen people for doing just that.

"personally, i think fifteen isn't enough."

— ZZZZ (what are their sleeping habits like?)

for the first few months of your relationship, he did not sleep around you. you were convinced he didn't sleep... like ever. after he became more vulnerable with you though, he would. you love how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. i also hc that sometimes he gets terrible, vivid nightmares that he wakes up crying from :(

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I'm not good at writing these but can we please see an interaction between Rollo and Trein and maybe Lucius? I really like the idea of Trein being a mentor figure to Rollo since Trein says he will keep an eye on him at the end of Glorious Masquerade. I don't know how the interaction would be structured but I'll leave that up to you if you choose to write this!

Yessss 😭 YOU GET IT, Trein could be a great mentor to Rollo…

For the last hour, Rollo had been nursing a growing migraine. The bumping music, the horde of guests, his inner voice counting off all the work still yet to be done. Each was another icy nail driven into his skull. Two glasses of grape juice were not enough to dull that buzz that clouded his mind.

Rollo had excused himself from making social rounds to fill up on refreshments—but he knew it wouldn't be long before someone came by to drag him back into the fray.

He slumped forward in his seat, catching his forehead with one hand. In his other hand, he clutched onto his third serving of grape juice. His only solace in these trying times.

Rollo exhaled deeply, squeezing his eyes shut. A silent prayer was at his lips.

Lord help me persevere. I am surrounded by idiots, beseeched to engage with them…!! Why must I endure this madness?!

A sudden softness came down on his nose.

“Mrow.”

Startled, Rollo immediately shot up. His grape juice nearly spilled, had a quick paw not catch the rim and keep it upright.

A plump cat had appeared on the table, staring at Rollo through sharp golden eyes. Its coat was a glossy black, the tip of its fluffy tail, chest, and muzzle a fine white. The cat meowed again, releasing its hold on the almost-fallen cup.

“Good day to you, Flamme.”

An older man appeared, scooping up the feline in his arms. His stern, bony face had been carved out with lines like the rings in a tree's core, his hair--streaked in shades of salt and pepper--slicked back from his forehead. He was dressed in a sharp suit and cravat, long maroon robes spilling over them.

“Mozus-sensei.” Rollo automatically straightened. “I was not aware that you were among those in attendance. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

"Quite a large number of students wished to leave campus for an important function. I am serving as the chaperone to them. Were it only one or two boys wishing to leave, I would not be needed to supervise." Trein gave a papery smile. "Ah, but it looks as though you have too many companions to keep them away."

Rollo attempted at a polite laugh behind his handkerchief. “Yes, it seems they feel the need to shower me with their attention.”

“I take it you do not favor these circumstances.”

“… Is it that easy to tell? I thought I was hiding it as best as I could.”

“You are sitting alone in a corner with nothing more than a drink in hand to keep you company,” Trein tactfully pointed out. “I understand. These events have the potential to wear one down. A moment of peace and quiet can be restorative.

"As for myself, I find that sitting down and stroking my dear Lucius helps after a long day. Would you like to give it a try? It just may soothe you as well."

Trein shifted, holding out Lucius to Rollo. The cat stared expectantly at the student, its tail swishing back and forth like a metronome.

Rollo's eyes widened. “What? No, I couldn't possibly...!"

Too late, Lucius had already been placed into his lap. The cat's body was almost liquid, pooling and settling into his new resting spot. Lucius was warm and soft, like the wings of an angel.

Rollo grimaced.

A familiar was on him, some mangy animal that had been mucking around who knows where before making contact.

"He likes to be scratched behind the ears and under the chin," Trein coaxed, demonstrating. "The head and back are safe too."

Rollo reluctantly followed Trein's instructions, his fingers sinking into the depths of Lucius's fur and awkwardly petting. Soon, the cat was purring contentedly.

“Aaah, Lucius. You’re so adorable and good with children," Trein cooed. "I think he likes you, Flamme."

"Does he?" Rollo looked doubtful--not that he had any particular interest in befriending a mage's familiar to begin with. Am I meant to feel flattered by that comment?

"Of course. I don't mind if you wish to stay a little longer and become better acquainted with Lucius." Trein motioned to the empty seat across from Rollo. "May I join you?"

He hesitated, considering. Between returning to the raging party and remaining in respite... Rollo warily glanced between his two options, and his answer immediately became clear.

"... I don't see why not," he said at last, relenting. Rollo had a fistful of Lucius's fur in his hand as he got the words out.

"Excellent. I've been meaning to catch up with you." Trein sank into the chair and folded his hands together. "Now then, how have you been? It's been a while."

The conversation that followed flowed like wine. Easily poured, and just as easily downed. It tasted clean and smooth upon his palate, clearing away the bitterness that had pervaded all day.

The glass of grape juice sat there, forgotten.

[jeanystillbeany]

BillFord Fic 3

yippee no pacing.

 “What do you mean the portal is destroyed?!”  The triangle sat atop a large throne made from the majority of Gravity Fall’s residents.  The lacky ticked nervously at Bill’s clear annoyance.  In fact, the whole Fearamid was silent in response to the demon’s rage.  

  “It-it was smashed-“ the green monster explained with a shudder.  His eyeballs were blackened with eight-balls as his pupils.  

  “Well thanks!  That’s exactly what I was- NOT asking for!  Details eight-ball.  Details.”  Bill Cipher seethed.  Eight-ball shook as he tried to explain without suffering from his ring-leader’s unhinged mood.  

  “We- m-me an-and Pyronica- we- we were g-going to move t-the portal here- like you said- but- but it- something smashed it.  N-nothing useful.  We-we haven’t found the creature-“

  “Get out.” Bill Cipher’s face darkened.  

  “Boss- look we-“

  “GET OUT.”  Eight-Ball was quick to rush out of the room as Bill’s typically yellow form turned a fiery red and twice its already exaggerated size.  

  After his henchman scampered out of the room, Bill let out a heavy sigh and laxed into his chair.  If he had temples he’d be rubbing them, but for now the space above his single haunting eyeball would do.  

  “Thirty years… thirty fucking years Stanford…”  Bill began talking amongst himself, “I waited.  I actually thought you weren’t dead!”  Bill’s voice breaks off into a cluster of unstable laughter.  The worst part of all this is that he knew it was his fault.  He pushed Ford.  He pushed him away.  He might as well have been the one to push him into that damn portal.  Ford was gone.  He always was.  That was it.  He has no one holding him back now.  Bill believed that the lack of anyone would push him forward.  He thought he’d be free… but if that were the case, then why does he feel so restrained?    He thought that if all connection to that nuisance was lost- he’d rather have the world than him.  Why is it the other way around?

  “FUCK!”  Bill yelled abruptly in frustration.  The world around him morphing with his emotions.  

  “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck- you stupid dumb- IDIOT!”  The demon groaned as he slumped back into his chair defeated.  Stanford was gone.  There was no denying that.  Cipher decided that it was time to stop throwing his little temper tantrum and cut himself off with a stubborn sigh.  

“I have living Pines to worry about. But first…”

  Bill snapped his fingers and two of his ‘friends’ popped into the room.  One of them looked like a pair of dentures with legs while the other was a pink woman with flaming clothes.  

  “Teeth, Pyronica.  I have a job for you two.  Go find the dumbass that destroyed the portal.  And make it pay.  Have fun!  -and I don’t want to hear that it’s even twitching!  Or I’ll be the one ‘having fun’.  Buy gold!  Bye!”  Bill didn’t give them a chance to respond as he teleported them to the remains of Ford’s lab with a maniacal laugh.  As soon as they were gone he ripped off his mask and groaned back into his chair again.  Or was that a sob?  He couldn’t tell anymore.  It’s not like it mattered anyway.  

  Sixer was gone.  

  And he was going to make everyone pay for it.  

~

  Sixer and Dipper conversed excitedly in the TV room.  It was as though they were two old friends reconnecting, even though they haven’t had much conversation until now.  The interaction began with Ford approaching Dipper about the modifications he made to the shield to keep Bill out.  Dipper explained that he found gnome hair to have a sort of repellency to unicorn hair- this caused the shield to nonchalantly cause the target to forget the shack was there. 

  “It actually ended up being surprisingly useful this far in!”  Dipper chirped, “it keeps us from getting any sort of Eye-Bat’s attention from up to 100 feet of the mystery shack.”  Ford nodded and began writing the new discoveries down in his journal while mumbling other theories.  Eventually the pair trailed off to talking about other topics and somehow got caught up on their favorite nerd game ‘Dungeons, Dungeons and more Dungeons’.  

  “Hey- if you’re up for it- I wouldn’t mind playing with you sometime.”  Ford grinned at his nephew.  

  “Yeah… after all this is hopefully over…” Dipper sighed.  

  “We must indulge in playing immediately!”  Ford claimed rising from his chair in enthusiasm.  Dipper was a little startled at the sudden attitude- yet appreciated the change from everyone else’s hopeless expressions.  While Dipper did seem to find some condolences in the gesture, fate planned on getting Ford back for his little scare anyway.  

  As Ford began to help Dipper search the shelves for their game, the door to the Mystery Shack suddenly slammed shut  rather clumsily.  Ford jumped in response and glared at the direction the door was in with a raised eyebrow.  

  The man took his curious expression with him for a moment as he paused his task and traveled to a nearby window.  Outside, he could easily distinguish where the barrier ended.  A trail of some of the survivors living inside the shack followed a certain Stanley pines out of the barrier.  

  “Stanley…” Ford muttered under his breath in warning as if the other could hear him.  

  “What is it?” Dipper asked curiously and followed Ford to the window.

   “Oh…” Dipper observed his Grunkle and his team leaving to get the supplies in the bunker.  

  “Does he even know where it is?  What if the shapeshifter is loose by now!”  Stanford sputtered.  Despite being much younger than the other twins, Dipper understood the feeling.  

  “You should go after him!  I can help too!”  Dipper said.  

  “No.  Absolutely not.  You are going to be staying in the shack where it’s safe.”  Ford commanded.  

  “C’mon!  Seriously?  I can do stuff too!  Why does Grenda get go then?!  She’s the same age!”  Dipper complained in response.  

  “I’m still your great-uncle Dipper.  We will play D, D and more D when I get back.”  Ford retreated from the window and began scouring around the shack for his coat- then realizing it was torn.  He grabbed all the items inside of it and placed them into his satchel.  In the meantime, Dipper followed him around like a lost puppy begging to come along on the adventure.  

  “Please Grunkle Ford!  I’ve been sitting around here for weeks!  Do you seriously expect me to just sit here?!”  Dipper pleaded.  

  “Yes.  Yes I do- now try and set our game up while I’m gone.”  And with that final sentence Ford left Dipper in the Mystery Shack.  

  Ford discreetly traveled behind the group set to the bunker.  He hid behind trees and trudged out of sight from his brother.  As the survivors and Stanford traveled, he noticed many familiar landmarks from the new Gravity Falls everyone was trapped in.  Weirdly enough, it seemed Stanley was leading everyone back to the lab.  Stanford supposed it wasn’t the dumbest idea.  The pure insanity of the state of the world has caused their usual surroundings to change immensely.  It was a decent idea to have a safe point in case someone got separated or they found the terrain has changed too greatly for them to find the bunker from memory.  It has only been a day and Ford found himself missing his now completely trashed lab.  After a few hours of walking, group finally made it to the lab.  The ghost of the mystery shack still stood atop of it.  The group decided to take a short break. 

  “I can’t believe boss did that?!  What’s up his ass today?”  

  “Yeah I know!  Seriously!  What’s so important about this dumb portal anyway?  We’re already out of that damned dimension.  I don’t see what’s so important about it.”  Everyone froze at the voices heard from the remains of the underground lab.  No one dared move a muscle as Wendy signed a few things to Stanley and everyone stayed silent.  For a moment all anyone could hear was sounds of Bill’s henchmen complaining while rummaging through debris.  Everyone began to slowly retreat away from the mystery shack silently- careful not to step on any sticks.  Ford observed with a clenched jaw, and he’d find five half-moons imprinted in his palm if he looked at his hands later.  One by one, each survivor made it out of the clearing and into the cover of the brambles.  The man still continued to stay in hiding until the final group member was out of sight.  

  Everyone was breathless as they silently waited for the monsters to leave the area.  It was quiet other than the loud clacking of metal from underground in the lab.  

  “Hey- where’d they go?”  A pre-teen boy emerged from the same direction the group and Ford had come from just minutes before.  He ignorantly stepped out into the clearing with a huff.  The entire group’s eyes swarmed the familiar voice.  Ford felt his hair stand on end at the tense atmosphere.  Ford began to sweat as Dipper carelessly walked away from all cover.  Wendy popped her head out from the bushes.  

  “Dipper!” Ford acknowledged the panicked look in her eyes as she frantically waved him over back towards the forest.  He also noticed Stan had poked his head out of the brush as well- attempting to aid Wendy in trying to get some sense of alarm into Dipper’s skull.  

  “Oh!  Hey Wendy!”  Dipper exclaimed- being too far away to accurately read her facial expressions.  Ford found himself among the two others that desperately tried to get Dipper to safety.  It was only about a minute when Ford realized the pace of Dipper’s understanding was much too slow for him to accurately comprehend the danger in time.  The boy’s newest uncle took note of the way his twin’s eyes widened in shock before scowling in disappointment as he revealed himself into the clearing.  

  “Hi Grunkle Ford!  Why are you all over there?”  The named Grunkle winced at his nephew’s volume as the noises in the bunker abruptly stopped followed by chattering.  

  “Did you hear something?”  

  “Yeah actually!  Almost sounded like one of those brats…” Ford grabbed Dipper’s arm and pulled him behind himself.  He carefully backed away in order to not make any noise.  He held his breath as he looked back at the distance between himself and the forest.  

  “Well, well well!  Look what we have here Pyronica!”  Ford’s attention darted to the voice that came from the teeth demon.  It then went to the named pink one who towered over him.    

  “Look, it’s the old man and his nephew!  Love the new look… didja… do something with your hair?”  The pink demon flicked the floof of his hair as he pushed himself further in front of Dipper.  

  “What do you say we do with ‘em?”  Teeth asked.  

  “I say, we feed it to the wretch that destroyed our best friend’s portal!”  Pyronica grinned- pinching Stanford’s cheek.  He glared as his hand slowly moved to his satchel.  

  “Aww… I wanted a few bites…”  Teeth said disappointed.  

  “Oh, I’m sure you can have your fair share-“ Pyronica cut herself off as she noticed Ford’s movements towards his bag, “oh!  That could’ve been bad now couldn’t it?” She gleamed as she tore Ford’s satchel off his shoulders and tossed it to the side.  Ford fell backwards- pushing Dipper aside and held his shoulder to lighten the impact.  

  “Hey!  You leave my Grunkle alone!”  Dipper exclaimed fiercely.  He sat up- but Ford held him back.  He gave his nephew’s shoulder a squeeze to signal to him to stop, but the fire in his relative raged on.  

  “Oh!  So we got ourselves a yapper!  How cute…” Pyronica said tipping Dipper’s hat as she leaned menacingly over the pair.  

  “I say we eat them now!”  Teeth jumped in.  

  “Oh- but Bill would be so much more pleased if we brought Stanley back… you know how much he despises him.”  Pyronica pointed out as she reached for Ford and Dipper.  

  “Hey!”  Everyone’s heads darted towards the new voice- shocked to be seeing double.  Stanley stood fiercely and moved in front of his brother and Dipper.  He had Ford’s bag draped over his shoulder and his brother’s gun pointed at the monsters.  

  “Is- is this just me?  Or am I a little crazy here?  I think I had too much Time Punch…” Teeth exclaimed.  He then got abruptly shot right on one of his front teeth.  

  “AHH A CAVITY!”  Teeth exclaimed taking shelter back in the lab.  

  “You stay away from my family.”  Stanley said sternly before pointing the gun at Pyronica who continued to look between the two.  She grumbled with her hands up and rolled her eyes.  

  “And what is that stupid little gun gonna do huh-“ Pyronica was caught off guard as a zap of an unknown blue energy zipped past her face- giving her a nasty burn on her cheek bone.  She hummed before snapping her fingers expecting the injury to heal immediately.  When she still noticed a burning sensation, she snapped again.  The pink demon began snapping repeatedly until realization finally got through her thick skull.  Pyronica huffed in defeat.  

  “Teeth!  We’re leaving these cowards.”  She growled before following teeth back into the abandoned lab.  A large force of pink energy shot out of the top.  Ford presumed this to be an indication of teleportation.  

  Stanley still stood there tense long after the demons retreated.  The gun was still pointed at the lab where the demons never reemerged.  Ford brushed himself off and helped Dipper up before placing a hand on his twin’s shoulder.  Stanley sighed before lowering the gun and standing there for a moment.  

  He slowly turned around and pulled Ford into a hug.  

  “See?  I told you!  I would’ve thought you remembered…”  Stanley mumbled.  Ford hugged his twin back- knowing exactly what he was referring to.  

  “What that you’re always right?”  Ford asked.  

  “Yeah,” Stanley pulled himself away, but firmly gripped Ford’s shoulders, “Now can someone tell explain to me what was going on inside of that stupid head of yours!  I told you to stay in the shack!  But then you not only go off but bring Dipper with you?!”  Stan glared at his brother. Ford opened his mouth to respond before Dipper cut in.  

  “…it’s my fault Grunkle Stan… Grunkle Ford told me to stay in the shack.  I followed him.”  He admitted with his eyes aimed at the floor.    Stanley let go of his brother’s shoulders and sighed.  

  “Hey Dipper… look at me…” Stan said in an earnest manner.  Dipper followed his instructions as his uncle put a hand on his shoulder.  

  “That was stupid,” his uncle said bluntly, “very, very, very, very stupid.”  Dipper awaited a second stanza to his Uncle’s statement but received none other than a sly ‘you too’ towards Ford.  Stanley gave Ford’s bag back to him and the gun (with slightly more hesitation and borderline begging to keep it).  The group emerged from the forest.  Wendy even came up and slapped her boss on the back in victory.  

  After that fiasco the resource retrieval team decided they needed a proper break.  They all sat down in a group and quietly chatted amongst each other, sipping water, and savoring rations.  Ford took to savoring the peace.  He leaned his back up against a tree as he began writing the recent events into his journal.  His knees propped the journal open sufficiently, tucked about a foot from his chest.  Dipper was huddled closely beside him, anxiously asking questions with the excitement of Mabel.  Eventually Ford caved in and stretched out his legs- putting the journal at a better angle for Dipper to see.  The boy quaffed the words  written as soon as he was given a chance.  As Dipper read, Ford ruffled through his bag.  

  “What are you looking for Grunkle Ford?”  Dipper peaked from the book for only a second.  

  “One moment Dipper… ah.  Here we are!”  Ford’s six fingered hand removed itself from the bag, holding out a second pen to Dipper.  The boy looked at it questioningly.  

  “Well, I wanted to write about our encounter just now.  I thought that maybe you could help.”  Stanford shrugged, still having the pen held out to Dipper.  The 13-year-old took it eagerly, looking up to Ford in admiration.  The Grunkle put the book between themselves- giving each other about a paragraph.  The first few sentences were messy trying to figure out some sort of system in journaling with twice as many people.  Though, they both figured it out just fine in the end.  

  Stanley sat by a tree across from them- nonchalantly eating a can of brown meat.  Ford couldn’t help but notice the occasional longing glances his brother stole from them.  Ford sighed with a fond smile before motioning for Dipper to pause when they got to retelling the events that just occurred.  

  “Is something wrong Grunkle Ford?”  Dipper asked stopping mid sentence.  

  “No, no Dipper.  In fact- everything is great.  Though… I thought that maybe the man of the hour should write his own part.”  Ford shrugged.  

  “Really?”  Dipper looked skeptical before shrugging, “Fine.” 

  Ford nodded satisfied before calling his brother, “Hey!  Stanley!”  He waved his brother over.  

  Stan perked up as soon as he heard his brother call him, but then immediately slouched again.  It was as though he wanted to suppress the smile that came from a feeling he thought he lost with his brother 31 years ago.  Stanley lazily sauntered over.  Though Ford could see the gleam in his eye whenever he chatted with his family.  

  “So what’d you nerds need?”  Stan sat down in front of them.  

  “Oh!  Grunkle Ford wants you to help us write an entry in his journal.”  Dipper exclaimed- sliding the book over to his other great-uncle.  

  Stanley’s eyes widened at the gesture and gave Ford a questioning look.  He never let him touch his work.  Stanley always thought it was because he believed that he’d mess it up somehow.  Ford only nodded in responds and handed Stanley a pen.  He grinned and began jotting where the other two left off.  

[jackson-imbecille]

Only 900 words, still looking for a title, art at the end. @schnuffel-danny @lemon-snake

Jack Fenton was a peculiar man. Intelligent, yet idiotic. Intimidating, yet soft. He was the most normal and easy to understand man that Vlad had ever met in his life, yet he made absolutely no sense.

For twenty two years Vlad had resented Jack, hated him even. He had tried to kill the man, but what had Jack done in return? He laughed, invited Vlad over, sent him gifts, letters, cards with dumb jokes on them, he even sent a cat when he worried that Vlad wasn’t getting enough social interaction. No doubt Daniel was the one to give him that idea, but the way he proudly smiled when Vlad accepted the offering rather than slamming the door in his face. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about it?

A peculiar man indeed. No other was able to get under Vlad's skin in quite the same way. It was easy to hate him, so why was it getting harder to enact his revenge plans as time went on? Why was it harder to keep away since the reunion? Why was it so much harder to hate Jack when he was sitting right in front of him?

For years, all he wanted was to eliminate Jack, and live out the rest of his life with Maddie by his side. For so long, this was the only route to happiness. But now? The path didn’t seem so clear. 

He had believed he could never be as happy as he was before the accident, not without Jack dead and Maddie by his side. But recently that ideal world has shifted. Just as his dreams changed last year to include Daniel as his son, they were changing again to bring Jack by his side. But this made no sense. It was Jack who ruined him, Jack who destroyed his life, Jack who killed him. 

But the more he thought about it, the more complicated it became. 

Yes, it was Jack that activated the portal. Yes, if not for Jack, he would still be human. Yes, it was because of Jack that he went through years of medical torture, but Jack was not the only variable. He could just as easily say it was the hospital’s fault for allowing its doctors to run those tests and experiments, that it was his fault for getting so close to the portal, or even dear sweet Maddie’s fault for having a large hand in developing the technology necessary to create the portal. 

It seemed so silly to pin everything that went wrong in his life on one single man. A man who had, in truth, meant none of it. 

Of course, there was the matter of Jack leaving him alone to rot all those years. Not one single phone call in twenty two years. But Maddie didn’t call either. He had resented Jack for abandoning him, but didn’t Maddie do the same? He always excused her absence, reasoning that she was unable to contact him while he was in the hospital, and then may not have known how to contact him after his escape, so why didn’t he excuse Jack’s absence the same way?

And why was he learning to excuse it now?

Vlad stood up and made his way to the library. Maddie, his cat, close at his heels. She really was quite the affectionate animal. Though he did feel a tad bit insulted by the gift at first, he had grown to appreciate her as a companion. It was nice to have someone to take care of. 

He knew she should be an unwelcome reminder of his old friend. But strangely, when he looked at her and thought of how excited Jack was to gift her to him, how it didn’t take thirty seconds before the man revealed what he was hiding behind his back, the way his hands shook and his entire body bobbed up in down in anticipation for Vlad’s reaction, he felt amused, endeared even. 

This was all so confusing. For twenty two years he had hated this man. For twenty two years, Jack Fenton had been the bumbling idiot that had cost him his life, his love, his freedom, but when he thought of the man now, it wasn’t hate he felt. 

He didn’t hate Jack Fenton. 

As he sat in his armchair, Maddie the cat in his lap, and a book he didn’t remember picking up in his hand, he realized that his entire world was changing.

He didn’t hate Jack Fenton. 

Shit.

———

Jack Fenton sat at his kitchen table, trying to make sense of the strange readings the scanner he was working on was emitting when he heard a small knock on the front door, followed soon after by the doorbell. 

He stood up, chair scraping against the floor and made his way towards the source of the sound. “I’ll get it!”

He reached the door and was met with the most peculiar sight upon opening it.

There stood Vlad, standing straight up, breathing heavily, dressed in the nicest suit Jack had ever seen, hair frazzled (yet obviously expertly styled not long ago), a fistful of flowers and the odd blade of grass in hand, many petals missing, stems bent, and what looked like roots with clumps of dirt still attached at the bottom of some.

“Hello, do you know about polyamory?”

[nohara-rin-dot-mp3]

Ask game, Danzo?

ask game ^_^

My first impression: i distinctly remember seeing him being set up as a villain and wondering if we were gonna see his tragic backstory or not since he was like. old.

My impression now: he's the best shinobi ever shown to us he's despicable he's just doing his job he makes me sick he's just some guy. i will get up in arms for him because nothing he did was all that worse than anything else anyone was doing but i'm not an apologist because he's never done anything good in his life. i love him

Favorite thing about that character: his hypocrisy <3 this guy will go ON and ON about how willing he is to sacrifice everything and how selfless he is but when push comes to shove hiruzen ends up living an awful long time... i love the fact that he is just lying to himself about his actions LMAO he sucks

Least favorite thing: uhhhhhhhh idk i think his flaws are what make him interesting. i guess the fact that he doesn't show up at all before shippuden because he did not exist yet ?

Favorite line/scene: i kind of love his fight with sasuke,,, both of them are spiraling into beautiful self destruction. it's martyrdom at its finest babyyy!!!!!! also the choreography is just really good for most of it.

Favorite interaction that character has with another: oh hiruzen for sure. their weird gay longing compels me. toxic old man yaoi at its finest. neither of them will ever allow themselves to indulge in each other so they keep inventing new ways to love. such as assassination attempts. i love when kakashi tells hiruzen that danzo's planning to kill him and hiruzen does nothing about it because he knows. that's how they flirt.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more: KAKASHI!!!!! like ok i know there was the whole anime only filler stuff but if i'm being honest??? it only makes me want more because like what the fuck. in my head danzo had a weird situationship thing going on with sakumo and after the 3rd war started for many complicated reasons most of which tie back to the fact that the people in the highest positions of power benefit from war and danzo led a smear campaign to pin all of the blame on sakumo so that no one would think too hard about it things kinda fell apart... yes this is meant to parallel the fact that danzo eventually is used as a scapegoat for the uchiha massacre so that no one had to think too hard about it. anyways kakashi doesn't really remember the era where danzo was his dad's shitty boyfriend but danzo does and later when he reaches out to have him assassinate hiruzen its like. weird. its weird. because the assassination attempts are the closest thing those two will ever get to sex. i need kakashi to stop disassociating for 0.5 seconds and think about this because i think it would be funny. and thematically relevant. like. this paragraph is already way too long i'll elaborate on this some other time but GOD i need to lock those two in a room and watch them like bugs

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: idk. is anyone doing it like him? wait actually manfred von karma ace attorney

A headcanon about that character: i don't think he intended for itachi to kill *all* the uchiha! he thought that he had figured out suchhh a clever way to cripple the uchiha to the point where they would no longer be capable of unionizing while still keeping them in the village and therefore a utilizable tool. like. i don't think he though itachi would be capable of killing every uchiha including the ones who had mangyeko sharingan??? idiot didn't consider the existence of obito. rookie mistake.

A song that reminds of that character: freefall by rainbow kitten surprise ^_^ because what is he doing if not claiming to save everyone while killing himself. and them.

An unpopular opinion about that character: uhhhh the fact that i see him like a person at all i think? naruto fandom at large is not concerned with danzo as an individual which is sort of fair i guess. because neither is naruto the show.

Favorite picture:

is it just me or does he look kind of cute here

[namethatghostling]

ive become kinda skeptical of advice that boils down to "is your self esteem bad? just act like you think youre hot shit! if you think youre a loser people will treat you like a loser and if you think youre the coolest person in the room so will everyone else".

its not like totally useless especially if youre like just kinda starting out on trying to build up your confidence but, for one, it strays a little close to that brand of manifestation/good vibes/law of attraction type self-help advice that insists if you just think positive everything will fall into place, people will just gravitate to you, and if it doesnt work out you just didnt do it right, keep slamming your head against that wall! building self confidence should be about getting comfortable with being in a space where not everyone is naturally inclined to like you, not trying to brute force your way into universal esteem.

for two, acting like youre the coolest person in the room generally doesnt actually make people like you? at best, if you land it, people might be interested in you temporarily, and at worst youll overcorrect and come off like an arrogant idiot. "cool" has an extremely short-lived appeal when youre interacting with people directly. putting all your social energy into maintaining an illusion of self confidence is gonna exhaust you, distract you, and distance you from the people youre with. people generally respond better to curiosity, vulnerability, and a sense that the person talking to them genuinely wants to be there, which is largely incompatible with that kind of attitude.

imo youre seriously gonna get more mileage out of saying flat out "hey sorry if this is awkward, its my first time here and im nervous, but i just wanted to say i love your look. where'd you get those earrings?"

[themarginalthinker]

@enquiringangel @kentuckycaverats

OK LET'S GO VAMPIRE OC TIME BAYBEE

So, there are a couple of groups that I'm gonna detail! Some will only appear briefly in the main stories of YCCM and its aside Flight Feathers, and others will play a larger role.

Also, @roseate-lagomorph I have considered turning these into vtm ocs! We shall see. :>

Group 1: The Santa Carla Scroungers

This group is based off of the scrapped idea that the kids Lucy tells Sam to give money to in the opening of the movie are vampires too, as well as that one shot of the girl...licking? kissing?? the rat. I've combined the two into the Scroungers.

Andy (Andrea), and Zeke. Andy is the girl with the large army jacket, and Zeke is the rat she's holding. Andy's main ability is the gift of being a daywalker - a very rare boon that allows her to be in direct sunlight (though usually only for an hour or so, before she needs to get out of it.) Zeke's power is animal transformation, and his shape is a rat.

The pair end up in Santa Carla due to some pretty unfortunate circumstances. They're missing the third member of their pack, killed by a hunter group in San Jose when another, larger pack rolled into town and were idiots, attracting attention, and their little three-man-band was simply caught in the crossfire.

Group 2: The Band Nomads

This is a pack The Boys will encounter on their trek across the Rockies and back into David's home territory of the northern great plains. While deciding to pick some people off during a music festival, they run into another pack who had the same idea, and in fact, have been following the tour of some of the groups playing like hunters following the herds of prey.

Martin, Delilah, and their sire Maya. I have not decided what their abilities and banes are, mostly because the Boys don't really interact with them enough to see much of them, but an interesting detail I have decided is that Martin is blind. It goes along with the headcanon that becoming a vampire can heal some things, but not congenital issues.

The Boys end up sharing a hunt with them, and exchange information, possibly getting intel on what the situation is like where they're headed, and giving the Band nomads info on what they can expect further west. It's also a chance to expand the worldbuilding of different kinds of vampire lifestyles.

Group 3: The Sarahs

Ironically, I'm not going to say too much about them, as there are things I want to keep for the actual story ;)

The Sarahs are a coven, rather than a pack or clan. Another group of three vamps, all of them named..well. A form of 'Sarah.'

Elder Sarah is over three hundred years old, Mother Sara being about as old as David (150-ish) and Weird or Silent Serra. being the youngest. She also doesn't speak, using her boon of telepathic communication to speak to people (which is. very disconcerting).

There's a lot more too them, but they interact the most with the Boys in the story, so unfortunately, I can't say much more for them.

[winvyre]

[Valerie's Story] Chapter 1: Omie (1/6)

“Valerie, you are on sweeping duty today.”

“But I’m always on sweeping duty!”

“This is history that we are preserving,” The old lady smiles, “Careless hands…”

“Doom the world.” I begrudgingly take the broom. I’m ten years old, not an idiot. My older siblings are already at work maintaining foliage and restoring art. Well, two of them. Even with Maurin missing I’m still stuck with the broom.

For as long as I can remember, Bernadette has dragged us to Omie’s temple on the sea cliff once per month to help her keep it from falling into ruin. To be honest, it’s already pretty ruined.

It’s a small building, especially when compared to other temples in the region, about the size of a sloop. There’s no door; I don’t think there ever was. Faded murals run along the inside but you can’t see the entire picture because parts of the walls are missing. The arch roof caved in before I was even born and when you walk through to Omie’s statue on the other side, there’s a specific path you have to take to avoid cutting your foot or falling through the floor. The back is open so ocean spray keeps the back side of the statue permanently damp. Plants grow through every crack and hole, wrapping around pillars and obscuring the details in the white stone.

We’re the only ones who ever come up here if you don't count the teromynies, rabbits, or many, many insects. They’re going to be worse this summer because winter was so short. Omie’s worshippers mostly attend the Megachurch in the capital. No one cares about a shrine in an outskirt village that even the locals have forgotten. Bernadette is an exception. She probably lives here. She talks about Omie like she created humanity.

I kick up dust near Omie’s feet. She’s twice as tall as our mom and looks a lot like her. Mom has long, curly hair so blonde it’s almost white kept out of her face by a bandana. Omie has the same style but a much more elegant headband. She wears an off-the-shoulder dress with a collar low enough that her hands clasped over her heart touch her bare chest. Her downturned head makes it seem like she’s looking at you but her eyes are always closed. Bernadette says that Omie’s watching over us.

I hope she’s watching over Maurin. It’s too quiet here without him. Usually he’d be cleaning the grime off the statue but since he’s gone Bernadette’s doing it. The only other person she lets touch Omie is him.

When I’ve swept every part of the temple Bernadette hands me six red candles to place at Omie’s feet. I’m not allowed to light them, though. Bernadette sets her cane against the wall and hobbles through the temple with a thurible, muttering to herself. She’s not praying. That old lady might treat Omie like Francesca treats the young watchman stationed by the docks but she’s not a Believer. The candles light on their own when she’s done. Witch magic is uncanny.

I scan the mural on the right wall. It shows various images of Omie interacting with humanity. Healing the injured, officiating weddings and blessing babies, singing and dancing in a large group. We do the same dance during Omie’s Festival accompanied by a song that she apparently wrote. Kell hangs up the red banner with Omie’s symbol, a human heart made of fire, that fell off the middle pillar.

The left mural is more about how Omie fits into the Six Immortals. It depicts things that they did together like establishing the United Regions, Demon's Lock, and taming dragons. Modern temples are built to hold service but this one, like most older temples, was built to foster a personal connection with its deity. There are no pews and no altar, just stories up to interpretation.

Francesca peeks through one of the holes in the wall, “I finished trimming the bushes.”

“Good. Kell, Valerie, help Francesca pick the hearthblooms.” Bernadette gathers her things.

I can't look at the flowers without feeling nauseous. They remind me too much of him. “If the wreaths are so important why don’t the other villagers grow hearthblooms themselves?” I cross my arms. “Why are we the ones who always have to do it? For once it’s actually warm enough to go swimming in early spring and we’re stuck making wreaths!”

“C’mon, Valerie, don’t be like that. We all want to go swimming but these flowers aren’t going to crown themselves.” Kell offers a smile.

“Well said, Kell. We have responsibilities that we must uphold. Supplying the festival with hearthbloom wreaths is one of them.”

“Guts! Why are you so obsessed with Omie? You’re not even religious! You-“

“Valerie, that is enough. I have my reasons. You would not understand.”

“Because you never explain anything to us! It’s always ‘Time to visit the temple,’ ‘Be careful around the statue,’ ‘Omie watches over you!’ We know nothing about you aside from the fact you’re friends with our mom. You just show up every once in a while to gush about your celebrity crush then disappear again. I witness enough of parasocial relationships when Francesca rambles about that stupid watchman!”

“Hey, I love him!”

“He doesn’t even know who you are!”

“It’s true love!”

“That’s dumb!”

“I’m going to marry him one day!”

“You’re an idiot! All of you suck! I want Maurin back!”

Silence. “And there it is.” Bernadette mumbles. “Why don’t the two of you head home? We can visit Graciela later.”

Francesca and Kell take one last glance over their shoulders before descending the hill. Fran’s face scrunches in anger. She tosses her hair and leaves with her nose in the air. Kell’s eyes dart between me and the witch worriedly but he still follows.

I can’t stop shaking. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from crying but tears have already blurred my vision. Bernadette is a colorful blob as she cups my cheek with her hand. I swat her away when her thumb sweeps across my skin. There is an energy burning inside me and I’m not sure if I can keep it in there.

“Maybe nothing I say will ease your pain but just know that it is okay to feel this way. Your grief is valid in whatever form it takes.”

A sound catches in my throat and I feel that ember surge. “GUTS!” I whip around and punch the tree behind me, regretting my decision immediately as I buckle, cradling my fist as the sobs break through my throat.

Bernadette gently takes my hand in hers, “It is broken. Let us get you to Oakley.”

When Mom sees my sorry state through the window of the healing room, she rushes to the door. “Goodness! What happened?”

“I can heal it myself.” I grumble.

“This is too severe for you, darling. Now, tell me, what did you do?”

“I hit a tree.” I take a seat at the dining table with my lip out.

Mom sighs. “Fran said that you’ve been having some big feelings, is that right?” She definitely didn’t say it that nicely. I nod. “You miss Maurin, don’t you?”

I feel the tears return but the ember is finished. “Yeah.” I choke.

“The Crown is doing everything they can to bring the missing children home. We’re all sad, we’re all scared,” Mom’s glistening eyes meet mine, “But we have to have faith. Your brother… is okay. He’s smart and he’s strong. We’ll all be reunited soon.” She lets go of my hand, now all better. “I have to get back to my other patients. Please, go with Bernadette and finish the wreaths.” Mom goes back to the sitting-room-turned-workshop, leaving us to return to the temple.

----------

Hello! Winvyre here. I thank you for your faith and patience even when I have nothing to show for my progress so to express my gratitude I will be posting the entirety of this draft's [Valerie's Story] chapter one on my page today in segments scheduled to upload on the hour. Stay tuned and please feel free to ask questions!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Family Man (2000)

Around the holidays, you’re probably sitting around the TV with your loved ones, exchanging gifts and creating warm memories. Your heart is probably a bit mushy - your head might be too from too many glasses of “egg nog”. This makes you the perfect target for The Family Man, which is essentially a retread of other, better Christmas films with a couple of knobs tweaked. It’s got appeal but it’s no classic.

Thirteen years ago, Jack Campbell (Nicolas Cage) said goodbye to Kate Reynolds (Téa Leoni) and swore he’d come back for her after his twelve-month internship with Barclays in London. They never saw each other again. Now a bachelor living as a Wall Street executive, Jack gets to see the life he never got to live when he wakes up one day, married to Kate with two children.

We’ve got a kind of body-switch movie meets a reverse “It’s a Wonderful Life” scenario. Jack was used to lighting his fancy cigars with dollar bills. Now, he’s sleeping next to the same woman every morning, trying in vain to bring his daughter, Annie (Makenzie Vega) to school while keeping an eye on his newborn son. He sells tires at his father-in-law’s business and has a pathetic wardrobe compared to the luxurious suits he used to wear. The scenario is played for comedy until (of course) Jack begins to warm up to his new family. This is where the film wobbles. There’s a reason why body-switch movies usually feature someone at the bottom thrust up. A kid becomes an exec at a toy company, a daughter gets her mother’s body, a woman whose marriage is falling apart goes back in time to when she and her future husband first met. When you have it the other way around, it creates a divide between you and the protagonist. Firstly, Jack is hard to relate to. He went from a luxury suite in New York, working at a job that meant setting up meetings on Christmas day to what most of us would call an ordinary life. No one watching would ever think "This is not an upgrade". Secondly, Jack is an idiot for a large chunk of this movie, unable to handle even simple household tasks. It’s comical for a bit but this film leans heavily on the emotional side and the two should mix… but they just don’t.

A hint of what this picture could’ve been is seen briefly whenever Jack and his daughter interact. She recognizes immediately that something’s amiss - it’s pretty easy to tell but she’s the only one who does - and volunteers to help her “father” get through the day. Those scenes bring a smile to your face. More of those, please!

That said, the film often hits the emotional notes well enough for you to forgive its predictable storyline. For one, Téa Leoni and Nicolas Cage have fantastic chemistry. From their interactions, you’re immediately sold on the new lifestyle that’s been thrust onto Jack’s lap even though most of the movie doesn’t have the two of them properly in love. Maybe its the Christmas sentiments making your heart soft but whenever Jack has a revelation about his new life, you agree with it. In the back of your mind, you know the ending will be big and dramatic, that this glimpse at an alternate reality isn’t going to last, which fills you with sadness. You like this family. You want to see more of them and you want Jack to figure out what you knew from the second you saw him wake up next to Kate.

How you ultimately feel about The Family Man depends on how carefully you scrutinize it. Compared to the films it most closely resembles, it doesn’t hold up. Even without the comparisons, its nature prevents the film from creating the kind of emotional swell that sweeps you away. If you’re watching it with the whole family - the kids are there, your cousin who only watches Steven Seagall movies is there and grandma too - and you don't overthink it, Nicolas Cage and Téa Leoni work together well enough for you to enjoy The Family Man. (On Blu-ray, November 30, 2019)

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, Vriska Serket, Rose Lalonde, Tavrosprite, Karkat Vantas, Kanaya Maryam, Arquiusprite, Jake English, Terezi Pyrope, Gamzee Makara

Act 6, page 7457-7462

DAVE: is it time yet

VRISKA: No.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: how about now

VRISKA: No!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: Dave, we've 8een w8ing for three years.

VRISKA: Three years is a pretty long time. Long enough for me to have picked up the ha8it of calling them years instead of the far more sensi8le unit of measurement, sweeps.

VRISKA: I think you should 8e a8le to survive just a little longer.

DAVE: i still dont understand whats supposed to happen

DAVE: hes just supposed to like

DAVE: appear?

VRISKA: That's my understanding, yes.

DAVE: you mean

DAVE: here

DAVE: on this frog circle thing

VRISKA: I don't know!

VRISKA: Somewhere in this session. At which point, if he has any 8rain at all, he'll seek us out.

DAVE: so jade came on a gold ship through a tiny window apparently

DAVE: but john wasnt on it??

VRISKA: Well, his corpse was, somewhere.

VRISKA: 8ut that John doesn't matter anymore.

VRISKA: Kind of like how there was a 8ird version of you out there, now presumed dead, who also didn't matter.

VRISKA: The "real" John and the other Lalonde girl will spontaneously appear from a different reality.

VRISKA: I determined a lot of this through my time travel reconaissance work upon arriving in this session.

VRISKA: Sorry to steal all the timey thunder from the gr8 "Knight of Time", end quote, 8ut someone had to take the initi8tive and go on a fact-finding mission.

DAVE: no its cool

DAVE: you can have that thunder if you want it

ROSE: When exactly is this supposed to happen?

VRISKA: Soon!

ROSE: And she's...

ROSE: Unhurt?

ROSE: Will she remember our brief encounter?

VRISKA: This is a totally different Lalonde girl. Things went differently for her, so she'll have different memories.

VRISKA: I have no idea if you and she interacted at all in her timeline.

VRISKA: I don't know the full extent of John's alt-reality experiences either. 8ut apparently things went raw for them in a8out as many ways as you can imagine.

VRISKA: Presuma8ly 8ecause I wasn't around to keep everyone's shit in order.

TAVROSPRITE: oHHHHHH,

TAVROSPRITE: sNAP,!

VRISKA: ::::)

TAVROSPRITE: aHAHA, bUT YEAH, i AGREE WITH THE SENTIMENT LARGELY,

TAVROSPRITE: oF YOU BEING MORE COMPETENT, tHAN MOST PEOPLE IN GENERAL, vRISKA,

VRISKA: Thanks, Tavros!

TAVROSPRITE: }:)

KARKAT: HEY, LOOK

KARKAT: I KNOW I'M NOT CONSIDERED "IMPORTANT" ENOUGH TO BE "IN THE LOOP" ON CERTAIN KEY TACTICAL DECISIONS ANYMORE

KARKAT: AND THAT I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON MOST OF THE TIME AND THEREFORE AM FORCED TO TAKE ANY BULLSHIT THAT HAPPENS WITH A GRAIN OF SNACK MINERAL BIG ENOUGH TO BLUDGEON A MAN TO DEATH

KARKAT: BUT IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE VRISKA, MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE A MOMENT TO EXPLAIN WHY TAVROS IS NOW A SPRITE?!

KARKAT: AND EQUIUS TOO, AND ALSO, WHY EQUIUS IS WEARING A NEW PAIR OF MORONIC LOOKING SUNGLASSES.

KARKAT: THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!

VRISKA: Sorry if you're having trou8le keeping up with the times, Karkat.

VRISKA: I didn't explain it 8ecause I thought the nature of the development was fairly self evident?

VRISKA: I mean, no offense, 8ut I didn't hear anyone else voicing any confusion.

VRISKA: What a8out you, Kanaya. Did you think it was fairly self evident?

KANAYA: I Thought It Was Fairly Self Evident

VRISKA: Yeah. See????????

KANAYA: You Apparently Took It Upon Yourself To Prototype The Three Year Old Cadavers Of Two Of Our Deceased Friends

KARKAT: NO, I GOT THAT!

KARKAT: I'M NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

KARKAT: I MEAN, WHERE DID YOU FIND THESE UNPROTOTYPED KERNELS? DIDN'T THESE PEOPLE ALREADY ENTER THEIR SESSION?

VRISKA: Yes, they did MONTHS ago, from the current frame of reference. 8ut this is a VOID session, Karkat.

VRISKA: I thought we talked a8out this?

KARKAT: ??????

VRISKA: A void session 8y definition is one where the players enter the game with the kernels unprototyped.

VRISKA: As such, it 8ecomes totally dysfunctional. It can't 8ear fruit, 8ecause there's no 8attlefield in Skaia, unless you go to the trou8le of putting one there of course.

VRISKA: Which the Condesce has already done for us! Via "Grim8ark Jade", prior to our arrival. Quite consider8te of her, really.

VRISKA: This is aside from the point though. The 8ottom line is, this session comes courtesy with four unprototyped kernels, waiting to 8e put to use.

VRISKA: So, not 8eing one to let a sweet perk go to waste, I took initi8tive and put two of them to use myself.

VRISKA: Really, this is some 8asic stuff, and I'm SURE we went over it all at one point during our trip.

ROSE: We did.

ROSE: Karkat, don't you remember when I walked everyone through this?

ROSE: I was making extensive notes in my journal. When I looked away for a moment, you and Dave wrested the tome away, and began scribbling phalluses in it while giggling like children.

KARKAT: UM, MAYBE?!

KARKAT: I GUESS THAT RINGS A DONG SHOUTER.

DAVE: (a what? dude lmao)

KARKAT: (WHAT? SHUT UP.)

KARKAT: LOOK, A LOT HAS HAPPENED IN THREE YEARS. WE'VE ALL BEEN THROUGH... STUFF.

KARKAT: AM I REALLY EXPECTED TO REMEMBER EVERY TEDIOUS MORSEL OF EXPOSITION FROM OUR RESIDENT LIGHT-BORES?

VRISKA: Rose, get a load of this ungr8teful philistine! He doesn't deserve our fucking acumen.

VRISKA: 8etween your nerdish o8session over the knowledge granted 8y our aspect, and my unprecedented a8ility to weaponize said knowledge with ruthless gamesmanship, we are dou8le-handedly saving the asses of everyone on this team.

ROSE: I'm glad at least one person here appreciates this categorical certainty.

KANAYA: (Hey I Appreciate That Categorical Certainty!)

ROSE: (Whom do you think I was referring to?) ;)

KARKAT: WOW OK, WHAT THE FUCK EVER TO THAT VAINGLORIOUS LOAD OF CRAP.

KARKAT: I'M STILL SPOUTING OFF HERE!

KARKAT: I THINK

VRISKA: That's fine, Karkat!

VRISKA: Take all the time you need to collect yourself, and continue frothing at the mouth whenever you're ready.

KARKAT: OK, I FIGURED OUT SOME STUFF I'M STILL EITHER PISSED OFF AND/OR CONFUSED ABOUT.

KARKAT: YOU SAY THERE ARE FOUR KERNELS HERE...

KARKAT: YOU KNOW, WE *DID* LOSE MORE THAN TWO FRIENDS ON THAT METEOR.

KARKAT: WHICH REMINDS ME, I GUESS I SHOULD SAY... HI TAVROS AND EQUIUS, AGAIN??? NICE TO SEE YOU GUYS BACK WITH US, SORT OF.

KARKAT: PARDON ME IF I CAN'T GET TOO SENTIMENTAL ABOUT THE REUNION, SINCE ALONG THE WAY HERE, WE RAN INTO ABOUT TEN DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF YOUR STUPID GHOSTS.

KARKAT: THAT KIND OF LETS A LITTLE AIR OUT OF THE POIGNANCY BALLOON, SORRY!

TAVROSPRITE: hEY BUDDY, };)

KARKAT: DON'T WINK AT ME

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Greetings old friend

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Not to worry, I have stored enough poignancy in my heaving, balloon-like pectorals for the both of us

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Though I should clarify that appro%imately half of my personally couldn't give the faintest fidgeting horse dump about you or your sentimental notions

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Also I am very busy here, so stop talking to me completely

VRISKA: Hahahaha!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: Oh man. Classic.

DAVE: haha...ha

KARKAT: OK, THAT WAS WEIRD?

DAVE: (um... yeah)

KARKAT: AND SPEAKING OF WEIRD, ONE THING THAT BUGS ME ABOUT THIS IS...

KARKAT: I GUESS IT IMPLIES YOU'VE BEEN HORDING THE BODIES OF OUR DEAD FRIENDS FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS?!

KARKAT: THAT'S A BIT FUCKED UP! EVEN FOR YOU.

KARKAT: AND NOT TO GET TOO MACABRE, BUT I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THEY WOULD HAVE LIKE, ROTTED BY NOW OR SOMETHING.

VRISKA: Yes, there was some moder8te decomposition.

VRISKA: I did my 8est to preserve them for the journey, after quickly rounding up the 8odies while people had their 8acks turned.

KARKAT: WELL SHIT

KARKAT: THAT'S A HELL OF A MYSTERY, THAT I ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS A MYSTERY, BUT FOUND IT TOO DISTURBING TO CONTEMPLATE SOLVING

KARKAT: BUT DAMN IF IT DIDN'T JUST GET SOLVED, SO THAT'S FUCKED UP.

VRISKA: If you would stop 8eing a wuss for a half second a8out a 8unch of corpses, I'll explain my reasoning.

VRISKA: These are the only two sprites I had any intention of using for resurrection purposes.

VRISKA: I 8rought Tavros 8ack, 8ecause let's face it, that was kind of my fault, for unnecessarily impaling him with his own lance and all.

VRISKA: It was my responsi8ility to make amends for that! So I did.

TAVROSPRITE: aWWWWWWWWWWWWW, yEEAAAA-

VRISKA: Tavros, don't interrupt.

TAVROSPRITE: wHOOPS,

VRISKA: Then, I made Arquiusprite happen 8ecause, first of all, he's a national fucking treasure.

VRISKA: Literally everything he says is perfect and hilarious, and if I hear a single word to the contrary from the peanut gallery, the motherfucker with a 8eef rockets to the top of my shit list. So please, I enthusiastically invite one of you no-taste mouth 8reathers to talk smack a8out the A-man. Make my day!

DAVE: vris yo nobodys arguing with you on that everybody here thinks hes pretty cool

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> 🕶️

DAVE: like just enough freakshow steps removed from being my bro i guess enough to make me not feel like-

VRISKA: Dave, don't interrupt either.

VRISKA: No8ody's allowed to interrupt me when I'm talking up Arquiusprite! That's the rule.

TAVROSPRITE: (owNeD!) (woW, oWned,)

DAVE: (oh stfu)

VRISKA: SECOND, the guy is a fucking tactical genius.

VRISKA: Totally conniving and calcul8ting, and unafraid to use methods that are just a 8IT morally du8ious to achieve his o8jectives.

VRISKA: And since I can't stick around for too long, your party is going to need someone like that.

VRISKA: 8esides, it seems like a really fitting f8 for Equius. He genuinely seems to 8e more comforta8le with this st8 of existence, and seems a lot happier than I ever remem8er him 8eing when he was alive.

VRISKA: So I'm perfectly willing to do him this solid. After all, he did help me out when I 8lew my arm off. So now we're square!

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> You mean triangular

VRISKA: What?

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Triangular

VRISKA: I don't...

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> It's the shape of my clopdamned glasses

VRISKA: Oh.

VRISKA: OH!

VRISKA: Ahahahaha! See what I mean, guys??

VRISKA: He's a fucking riot!

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Agreed

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Thank you for the STRONG endhorsement, lowblood slash person I've never heard of and don't care about

VRISKA: HAHAHAHA!

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> I'll be finished my work here momentarily

JAKE: Excuse me...

JAKE: Mister arquius?

JAKE: What exactly are you... doing to her?

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> I am disabling her tiara top

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> It is e%tremely delicate work, not to be trusted to human hooves

VRISKA: Yes.

VRISKA: I've also decided it's imper8tive to reclaim Crocker from the Condesce 8efore she can wake up and cause more trou8le.

VRISKA: Her powers will 8e incredi8ly advantageous to winning the 8attle ahead. If you can keep her out of harm's way, in addition to providing her general purpose resor8tive capa8ilities, she also represents one extra life for every8ody.

VRISKA: And since heroic deaths could 8e getting handed out like inexpensive to8acco flutes pretty soon, I'm guessing this 8oon is gonna come in handy!

TEREZI: SO UM

TEREZI: WH4T 4BOUT OUR OTH3R D34D FR13NDS?

VRISKA: Huh?

TEREZI: YOU KNOW... N3P3T4, 3R1D4N...

VRISKA: Oh right. Them.

VRISKA: I was getting to that!

TEREZI: OH OK

TEREZI: 1 KNOW W3 T4LK3D 4 LOT OF STR4T3GY 1N 4DV4NC3, VR1SK4

TEREZI: BUT 1 R34LLY DON'T R3M3MB3R YOU M3NT1ON1NG 4 PL4N TO PROTOTYP3 OUR FR13NDS' CORPS3S

TEREZI: M1GHT H4V3 B33N N1C3 TO G3T 4 H34DS UP!

TEREZI: UM, NOT TO M4K3 4 B4D PUN, ON 4CCOUNT OF TH3 F4CT TH4T MOST OF TH31R H34DS W3R3 L1T3R4LLY S3V3R3D >:[

VRISKA: Yeah, sorry!

VRISKA: I had a lot of logistics 8uzzing around in my 8rain.

VRISKA: It's hard to keep you apprised of EVERYTHING that crosses my mind.

VRISKA: I promise I'll 8e as thorough and transparent a8out my motives as I can from now on, ok Pyrope?

TEREZI: OK >:]

VRISKA: So after prototyping Tavros and Equius, that leaves four remaining dead friends, 8ut only two empty kernels.

VRISKA: O8viously this presents quite a dilemma!

VRISKA: Well, ok, technically three and a half friends, whatever the fuck that means.

VRISKA: Nepeta, Feferi, Eridan, and Sollux's... dead 8ody? With his "half ghost" floating out there with Aradia.

VRISKA: I know that caveat sounds stupid as hell, 8ut let's not get hung up on it.

VRISKA: The fact is, we've got four corpses, 8ut only two slots remaining.

VRISKA: And there's no way I'm going to lump their 8odies into the same sprite to make a pair of freaks resigned to an existential hell worse than death.

VRISKA: Except in Arquiusprite's case, since those two nutjo8s mesh with each other's personalities so phenomenally.

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> I must complimount the e%quisite judgment you've shown in this matter

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> But if I may suggest, neigh, perhaps, command?

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> You should prototype the two royal bloods and be done with it

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> They deserve it

VRISKA: No!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: Arquius, your reserv8tion is noted, 8ut the hemospectrum is 8ullshit.

VRISKA: It's not going to factor into this decision!

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> I STRONGLY disagree, but also, sort of don't care

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> As you were

VRISKA: So considering there are four left, and I can't personally say that any is more deserving of life than the others, I intend to let them all rest in peace.

VRISKA: That is my ruling, and I'm inclined to call it final.

VRISKA: They can live out the rest of their afterlives in the dream 8u88les, which still need to 8e saved from Lord English, lest we forget.

VRISKA: 8ut of greater importance HERE is the fact that this leaves two empty kernels as a resurrection 8ackup, in case one or two of you jokers dies in the line of duty once too often.

VRISKA: 8elieve me, you'll thank me later for thinking this all through so well in advance.

TEREZI: OK, TH4T'S 4 GOOD R34SON TO H4V3 SP4R3 K3RN3LS, BUT...

TEREZI: M4YB3 W3 SHOULD B4CK UP 4 B1T!

TEREZI: 1'M NOT SUR3 YOUR V3RD1CT ON OUR D34D FR13NDS 1S TOT4LLY 41R T1GHT, OR TH4T YOU H4V3 TH3 4UTHOR1TY TO M4K3 4 F1N4L RUL1NG!

VRISKA: Come on, Terezi. I'm not saying I'm an "authority" on mortality here, I only said my ruling was final 8ecause my logic was so impecca8le!

VRISKA: It was kind of like, a figure of speech??

TEREZI: Y34H R1GHT

TEREZI: L3T'S TH1NK 1T THROUGH 4 L1TTL3 MOR3

TEREZI: SOLLUX'S H4LF GHOST 1S P3RF3CTLY H4PPY OUT TH3R3 W1TH 4R4D14

TEREZI: W3'V3 S33N H1M 4ND CONF1RM3D 1T OURS3LV3S, SO TH3R3'S NO R34SON TO CONS1D3R H1M

TEREZI: 4ND 3R1D4N???

TEREZI: H3 MURD3R3D F3F3R1, 4ND TR13D TO K1LL K4N4Y4 4ND SOLLUX!

TEREZI: H3 DO3SN'T 3V3N D3S3RV3 TO B3 1N TH3 RUNN1NG

TEREZI: BUT N3P3T4 4ND F3F3R1? WH4T D1D TH3Y 3V3R DO TO 4NYBODY?

VRISKA: Yes, this is my point exactly!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: I don't want to 8e the ar8iter of Eridan's value as a person 8ecause of the mistakes he's made!

VRISKA: Or Feferi's or Nepeta's or Sollux's or ANY8ODY'S!

VRISKA: The only reason I chose these two over others is on account of taking responsi8ility for some nasty shit I PERSONALLY did, plus also some tactical consider8tions for the gr8ter good, 8ut that's different.

VRISKA: I would think you of all people would 8e on the same page as me when it comes to taking responsi8ility for your own actions, while in the same stride, not judging other people for their misdeeds too harshly.

VRISKA: 8ut if you feel comforta8le continuing to crown yourself as the Queen of Justice, then 8e my guest!

TEREZI: OH G1V3 M3 4 BR34K

TEREZI: 1 TH1NK W3 BOTH KNOW TH3 JUST1C3 1SSU3S H3R3 4R3 PR3TTY CUT 4ND DR13D

TEREZI: SOLLUX *W4NTS* TO B3 WH3R3 H3 1S

TEREZI: 3R1D4N 1S 4 MURD3ROUS DOUCH3

TEREZI: TH3 G1RLS 4R3 1NNOC3NT

TEREZI: 1 S4Y W3 BR1NG TH3M B4CK!

VRISKA: Terezi, please. Let's not 8icker in front of the party.

VRISKA: We need to 8e showing solidarity here!

TEREZI: W3 DO?

VRISKA: Yes. We are equally important to the party as its overarching executives. The ones with the most experience in the department of guile and ruthlessness.

VRISKA: I may project my voice louder than you, and 8orrow the spotlight for a little longer, 8ut you were always the soul of Team Scourge!

VRISKA: I couldn't 8e doing this without you. I wouldn't even want to!

TEREZI: 4W

TEREZI: Y34H, OK

TEREZI: YOU'R3 R1GHT... 1'M B3H1ND YOU 4LL TH3 W4Y!

VRISKA: ::::)

VRISKA: I st8ted my case, 8ut if you REALLY want to revive them, that's fine with me.

VRISKA: I've got the torso parts with me right here, so feel free to round them up and prototype them any time.

TEREZI: YOU DO?

TEREZI: ...WH3R3?

VRISKA: In the hunger trunk!

VRISKA: I've stashed all the spare remains there to keep them fresh, along with our, ahem. Final living party mem8er.

TEREZI: HUH?

TEREZI: OH

TEREZI: OHHHHH

TEREZI: HMM

TEREZI: WOW, Y34H

TEREZI: 1 TH1NK, UM

TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1'LL R3V1V3 TH3M... 4 L1TTL3 L4T3R?

TEREZI: Y34H.

TEREZI: L4T3R.

VRISKA: Suit yourself!

DAVE: so

DAVE: am i inferring correctly from some shit i just heard

DAVE: that uh

TEREZI: 1NF3RR1NG WH4T?

DAVE: that vriska is like the de facto team leader now

DAVE: or vriska and terezi...

DAVE: i dunno i never understood the scourge shit

DAVE: you two have always been like this scheming giggling enigma huddled together in peapod for hella self-tickled murderdorks

DAVE: couldnt for the life of me figure out what youve been getting up to on that meteor

DAVE: is this it

TEREZI: 1S WH4T 1T??

DAVE: the plan you were hatching all along

DAVE: is this like your big move

DAVE: your power play to usurp karkat as team leader finally

VRISKA: Oh 8rother.

VRISKA: Dave, no, this isn't a coup. It's just common sense rearing its ugly head for a change.

DAVE: oh got it

VRISKA: Good.

DAVE: wait no dont got it

VRISKA: Argh!

DAVE: it sounds like youre just like

DAVE: being the leader now cause you want to

DAVE: and making all the plans because nobody else wants to or really cares

DAVE: i mean not that i even care either i just want to set the record straight

DAVE: karkat are you cool with this

VRISKA: Sigh. ::::|

DAVE: karkat

DAVE: karkat

DAVE: karkat

DAVE: yo karkat

KARKAT: WHAT!!!!!!

DAVE: oh my god

DAVE: dude were you just not listening to any of that

KARKAT: TO WHAT?

KARKAT: WHAT

KARKAT: WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW?

DAVE: hahaha

DAVE: man how long have you been tuning all this shit out

DAVE: i mean i literally just said i dont give a fuck about any of the shit vriska is saying so maybe im not one to talk but at least i had the decency to actually be joking about that

DAVE: what the fuck are you even doing

KARKAT: SORRY!

KARKAT: YEAH, SORRY, I'M GUILTY!

KARKAT: I ZONED OUT ON SOME OF SERKET'S SELF IMPORTANT BLITHER, AND WAS CARRYING A *PRIVATE CONVERSATION* WITH THE MAYOR.

KARKAT: IS THAT OK??

DAVE: dude you dont have to get the go ahead from me

DAVE: shoring up a lil one on one time with the mayor is literally always acceptable

DAVE: what were you talking about

KARKAT: IT'S PRIVATE!

DAVE: i didnt hear you mumbling anything though

KARKAT: WE WERE MOSTLY COMMUNICATING THROUGH A SERIES OF SIMPLE GESTURES

KARKAT: I WAS TALKING SMACK ABOUT CERTAIN PEOPLE HERE, AND CHOSE TO REMAIN DISCREET ABOUT IT!

DAVE: no yeah i know what thats all about

DAVE: how when you talk to the mayor and most of the time words arent even necessary like he just *knows*

DAVE: man the mayor is just so wonderful i love him so much

DAVE: hey lets all take turns hugging him

KARKAT: NO!

KARKAT: THAT'S FUCKING STUPID, JUST

KARKAT: WHAT WERE YOU SAYING? WHEN I WAS SPACING OUT JUST THEN?

DAVE: oh nothing really

DAVE: just wondering how you felt about vriska usurping your leadership role

DAVE: and if maybe you wanted to throw a vintage shitfit about that or...

KARKAT: OH!

KARKAT: OH!!!!!

KARKAT: HAHA!

KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

KARKAT: THAT'S A GOOD ONE DAVE!

KARKAT: WOW! HAHA, HA, HAHAHAHA! ME LEADER?? TOO FUNNY!

KARKAT: I AM ENTIRELY AND SINGULARLY BAFFLED THAT IT COULD STILL EVEN *OCCUR* TO ANYONE TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION THAT I MIGHT STILL BE PLAYING *ANY* ROLE EVEN WITHIN SNIFFING ORBIT OF A LEADERSHIP POSITION OF THIS RIDICULOUS PARTY.

KARKAT: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I DID *ANYTHING* OF A LEADER-LIKE NATURE, WITHOUT BEING TRUMPED BY VRISKA'S MACHIAVELLIAN LIMELIGHT GLUTTONY?

KARKAT: OR FOR THAT MATTER, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THERE WAS ACTUALLY ANYTHING LEADERY *TO* DO, THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE SNUGGLING UP ON THE COUCH TO WATCH "GOOD LUCK CHUCK" FOR THE FIVE HUNDREDTH TIME?!

KARKAT: I HAVE SERIOUSLY JUST BEEN ASSUMING HER COMPLETE TAKEOVER OF ALL LEADERSHIP DUTIES WAS SOME FAIT ACCOMPLI SHIT FOR THREE SOLID YEARS, AND HAVE SINCE BEEN ENJOYING THE PEACE AND QUIET OF ZERO RESPONSIBILITIES, WHICH IS WHY QUITE FRANKLY, I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP MY BLOOD PRESSURE DOWN, AND NOW RESEMBLE THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF PEACE AND FUCKING TRANQUILITY WHICH PRESENTLY BASKS BEFORE YOU IN A STATE OF FROTHING, EUPHORIA-HOBBLED TURDVANA!!!!!!!!

DAVE: ok so vintage shitfit it is

VRISKA: Karkat, that was a 8eautiful soliliquy of acceptance and understanding of your role, due to acknowledgement of your overwhelming personal limit8tions.

VRISKA: 8ut 8e that as it may, you still ACTUALLY DO need to 8e paying attention here, so you can keep up with the plan.

VRISKA: While I may 8e the leader now, this may 8e the last day I see any of you for a very long time.

VRISKA: Someone's going to need to step up when I'm gone!

KARKAT: ALRIGHT SERKET, THEN I'LL MAKE THIS A LOT EASIER FOR YOU, AND THE TEAM AS A WHOLE.

KARKAT: STARTING NOW, I HEREBY RENOUNCE MY ROLE AS A LEADER OF THIS GROUP, OR ANY, FOREVER!

KARKAT: VRISKA ALONG WITH HER TACTICAL VIRTUOUSITY AND MONSTROUS EGO ARE MORE THAN SUITED FOR THE ROLE.

KARKAT: AND IF, WHEN, AND TO *WHEREVER* SHE EVENTUALLY DECIDES TO FUCK OFF FOR MYSTERIOUS, YET-TO-BE-EXPLAINED REASONS, THEN ANYBODY ELSE WHO FEELS INCLINED CAN SLIDE RIGHT INTO THAT POSITION, SO LONG AS IT ISN'T ME!!!

VRISKA: Gr8! It's settled, I'm the leader.

VRISKA: I gladly accept the 8aton you are going to such lengths to pass to me, Karkat. Honored in fact.

VRISKA: Not everyone is nearly as passion8 a8out la8els or ranks as you. In fact, I'm pretty whatever a8out the distinction. 8ut your melodramatic endorsement of my a8ilities is appreci8ted.

KARKAT: LJSDLKFJASDLALKJASDKLSHDKLAHSFKLASHB

KANAYA: Excuse Me

KANAYA: Miss Leader

VRISKA: Hmmm????

KANAYA: Not That It Would Ever Occur To Me To Cast The Slightest Doubt On Your Strategic Expertise

KANAYA: But I Was Wondering When You Were Planning On Getting To The Actual Strategy Part Of This Meeting

VRISKA: Glad you asked, Maryam!

VRISKA: Way to keep the meeting on point. Remind me to give you a promotion.

KANAYA: A Promotion To What

VRISKA: Nothing. No8ody's getting a promotion, it was a joke.

KANAYA: Fuck

VRISKA: The answer is very soon!

VRISKA: As soon as Eg8ert and Lalonde get here.

VRISKA: Which should 8e...

VRISKA: Riiiiiiiight a8out...

VRISKA:

VRISKA: Riiiight a8out........

another second or two!

VRISKA: Riiiiiiiight...

DAVE: vriska

VRISKA: Riiiiiiiight!!! About...

DAVE: yo can we maybe bust out some refreshments while we wait for this totally imminent thing to transpire

DAVE: can i take a look in the fridge

VRISKA: There are no drinks in the fridge!

DAVE: whats in the fridge

DAVE: sorry i think i missed that part of the conversation

DAVE: oh

DAVE: yeah never mind

VRISKA: Shh! Sh, shh-shhhh, SHHHHHHHH!

VRISKA: Shut the fuck up.

VRISKA: They're here!

[eldritchcreatureofwords]

LOL OK, babes, I was nice and polite to you because I thought you were a decent person, just a little on the stupid side, but now? Now, you get the horns. It is not 'mental gymnastics' or 'jumping through hoops' to say that the reason why Ozzie and Fizzie being in a relationship is bad and Bee and Tex is fine is because Bee and Tex have different dynamics then Ozzie and Fizzie.

Here, I'll go ahead and just copy and paste what was said so that everyone can read and see what your idea of 'mental gymnastics' is. Ozzie is the embodiment of lust. Not love. Lust. The idea that LUST has settled into and fallen in love with one person is WEIRD. Bee is Gluttony, which has nothing to do with relationships or love or lust- it just means she wants a lot of everything. Not only that, but no where is it implied that Bee and Tex are in a monogomous relationship; they could be fucking each other and everything and everyone else in the room. Ozzie and Fizz? Seem to be down bad exclusively for one another.

Consider the actual episode Ozzie's; they weren't hiding that they were fucking, but that they were in a loving, committed relationship. It's Ozzie's reputation they're protecting as a viral, wild Sin of lust and sex- not the idea that he's in a relationship with an imp but that he's in a relationship at all. Mammon is a fucking idiot. That much is made pretty clear to us from the jump. He's stupid. It takes him until he is specifically called out by name before he realizes Two Minutes' Notice is for him. There is every chance that this moron thinks that outing Ozzie will do a lot more harm than it actually will because- and exclusively because- Ozzie makes such an effort to keep it under lock and key.

Such wild 'mental gymnastics', right? Totally that, and not logical deductive reasoning that anyone above the age of a child should be able to comprehend! But according to you, because the show did not spell this out in black and white, it is bad story telling.

See, the thing is, babes, that spelling things out in black in white is actually the bad story telling.

If a story has to explicitly tell you every single detail for you to be able to understand and comprehend it and its nuances, either you are remarkably unintelligent and lacking in media literacy to an alarming degree or the media itself is badly written and/or designed for people that are. Or maybe you're referring to those wild, wild mental gymnastics that we used when talking about Striker? You know, when you said- lolol- that the only reason you could possibly see for him to hate nobility and blue bloods is because of money?

And people went 'uh, actually, it's pretty clear from the way he speaks that he hates nobility because nobility hurt him, deeply, and his anger and hate is likely born from grief and trauma?'

You know, that thing that's very clear if you have an idea of media literacy and subtext and understanding of characters or, in fact, people, and the way they react to things? The thing that the fandom at large agrees on because most of them don't need this shit spelled out for them? Look, I get not loving that a lot of lore comes from off-screen interactions. That's fine. You do you! I personally don't have a problem with it but some people don't enjoy it and that's fair. But to sit there and literally state with your whole chest that you refuse to take anything not in the show as canon is absurd, pure, plain, and simple. Is Blitzo Buckzo fucking bisexual, then, not pan, because he hasn't come on screen and yelled 'HEY EVERYONE, I'M PANSEXUAL!'? and only slept with a woman and a man as far as the show tells us? And to claim that anyone who is capable of analysing, understanding, and diving into things that are not 100% explicitly stated is doing 'mental gymnastics'- and then not even have the balls to say it to their faces but go behind their backs and vague blog about it like a fucking teenager- is also absurd. This behavior absolutely shames you, Afro, and as someone who thought of you as something of a friend before, I am deeply, deeply fucking disappointed.

When I get famous I also need people to perform mental gymnastics to justify my lack of consistency and come up with lore reasons for it.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Being Team Japan's Manager:

🦉 Bokuto Has a HUGE crush 🦉

*I know this isn't "technically" Team Japan Bokuto but it's close enough 💅🏼

Bokuto Kotaro featuring Team Japan x Gender Neutral Reader (they/them pronouns)

Warnings: NONE ! Pure fluff 🥰

A/N: Only the best for our sweet angel 🥰 Happy Birthday Big Owl 🥺🥺

How you managed to become Team Japan's Manager still baffles you to this day

It's one of the many mysteries of the world honestly

When you interviewed for the job, you knew immediately you wouldn't get it

There were like 500 people interviewing!

Seriously the odds were not in your favor

Actually, come to think of it 🤔 you getting hired might have had a little something to do with a certain interaction you had by the bathrooms prior to your interview

You see, you were washing your hands when suddenly you heard a loud commotion coming from outside the hallway

You dried your hand and peeked out the door to see four large men arguing

"Keep it together will you!"- a tall, untoned blonde yelled

"Seriously Bokuto, what's wrong now? This is kind of important!"- a man with spikey hair said

"He's just upset because Kuroo teased him about not making the starting line up"- a red headed shorter man said

You figured you shouldn't interrupt their conversation so you wanted to quickly sneak out and head back to the interview

Unfortunately you opened the door and ran smack into the chest of the owl-haired man

"Oh my goodness, I apologize!"- You said, bowing to him a little

He was bigger than you but he was a professional volleyball player

The man looked at you, eyes wide and mouth open 😲

You 👉🏻👀😅😬 umm hi

The tall owl 👉🏻😳😳😳

"Bokuto for God's sakes! I'm really sorry about him! I'm Iwaizumi, the teams athletic trainer"- The spikey haired man said

"Oh its not worries! I'm YN LN, I'm interviewing for the managers postion!"- you 🥰

"Damn you're hot"- the untoned blonde says as Iwaizumi turns, staring daggers at him

"I'm Hinata and this is Atsumu! I'm a wing spiker and hes our setter!"- the red headed man says joyfully

"And this is Bokuto, he's a wing-spiker as well"- Iwaizumi says, smacking Bokuto's back

Meanwhile Bokuto is still just standing there, mouth agape 😳😲

"It's very nice to meet you! Again I'm sorry for running into you, it was very nice meeting you all!"- You said, sliding past them and waving a little

Bokuto is still staring 😳

Literally, everyone starts walking away and Bokuto just stands there 🧍‍♂️ 😳

"Oh my god, come on ya idiot!"- Atsumu says finally dragging Bokuto the other way as you laugh a little

You head back to the waiting room just as your name is called

You interview, thanking everyone as you head out to leave

Suddenly Iwaizumi appears next to you

"How did it go?"- He asks as you stare up at him

"Umm I think it went well? I mean I have some experience. I use to play volleyball in high-school and college"- you say as Iwaizumi nodds

He opens up Kuroo's door, the Kuroo you just interviewed with and says "Kuroo we found our manager no need to do more interviews!"

"Thank God! I'm exhausted"- Kuroo says as you just stand there 🧍‍♀️

"Ummm what?"- You say looking at Iwaizumi 👁👄👁

"You will be a perfect fit YN, now come on let's go meet the team"- he says as you still stand there

Sir, YN is in shock you must help them

Iwaizumi 👉🏻🙄 come on YN let's go

And thats the story of how you ended up managing our precious Tean Japan 🥰

Wait, did I say precious? I meant demonic 🙃

Because YN, this job is not for the faint of heart

Seriously it's like managing a kindergarten classroom with the least cooperative kids

Kageyama and Atsumu are constantly fighting over who gets to be the starting setter 🙄

Sakusa always has a complaint

Yaku and Komori are always rolling around on the floor

Hinata and Hoshiumi have a daily battle of "who can jump the highest"

Hakuba and Hyakuzawa are constantly teasing Hinata and Hoshiumi

Aran and Iwaizumi are stressed

Ushijima literally has said hardly two words to you

And most of all, Bokuto has been hanging on you since day one 😅

Literally this man has clung to you like glue YN

The first day of practice, he dragged you everywhere just to show you around

Then you watched him shoot liners and cross court shots for what seemed like hours

"Bokuto you are so amazing! Those are some wicked hard shots to pull off!"- You, praising our owl angel 😇

Please Bokuto is already smitten with you YN lay off 😅

Literally this man is already in love with you YN and you've barely started working as the team's manager

Everyday, he runs up to you and greets you with a big hug 🥰

You love your Bokuto hugs because that man can hug like no other 🤚🏻

The other guys get jealous that Bokuto is hogging you all the time

"Hey Bokuto, let YN go!"- Atsumu

"YN, can you help Atsumu and Kageyama with their sets today?"- The coach asks

You 👉🏻 oh of course 🥰

Bokuto 👉🏻 instant deflate ☹️

"But- but YN always helps with spiking drills?"- Bokuto

"YN is really good at helping Kageyama and Atsumu adjust their sets so I want them working with the setters today"- Coach

Oh boy 😬

Iwaizumi sees it coming from a mile away and so does Hinata

Hinata develops a Bokuto sense 😅 not unlike Akaashi's but Hinata is way less proficient at reading it

"Bokuto I'll help with spikes"- Iwaizumi says, trying to save this

"Yeah! I want you to teach me that wicked cut shot you did last week!"- Hinata

Bokuto 👉🏻☹️🥺 ok 😔

Now, you've gotten a little use to Bokutos Emo modes, having seen one happen the week prior

However seeing Bokuto sad still hurt your feelings

"Come on YN! Let's go!"- Atsumu and Kageyama yell

"I'll be right there!"- You say running up to Bokuto, who is now standing in the center of the gym deflated

You literally run to him, and give him the biggest hug ever 🫂

You 👉🏻🥰 🫂

Bokuto 👉🏻☹️😐😳🥺 🫂

"I can help you with individual practice tonight Kotaro. How about that?"- You

Bokuto 👉🏻😳🤯 YN said my name 💀

"HEY HEY HEY!"- he shouts as he spins you around, you laugh and hug him back

Please Yn the team is so thankful for you

But honestly, you had no idea Bokutos love of you extended beyond that of friendship

The entire team could see it but you must have been completely clueless YN 😅

You actually become a topic in the locker room after practice 👀

"Bokuto! You need to stop hogging YN all the time!"- Atsumu yells

"I can't help that YN loves me more than they love you"- Bokuto 💅🏼

"No Bokuto, you just have a huge crush on YN and you only want them to help you"- Sakusa

"I DO NOT!"- Bokuto

"Do too"- Kageyama

"NAH UH!"- Bokuto

"Dude you are down so hard for YN!"- Hoshiumi

"Bokuto and YN, sitting in a tree!"- Atsumu

"K I S S I N G!"- Yaku, Hakuba and Hinata in tangent

Aram, Iwaizumi, Komori and Hyakuxawa are all like 😐🙄

I present Team Japan Men's Volleyball 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

"Why don't you just tell YN you like them?"- Ushijima 😐

"I CANT DO THAT WHAT IF YN DOESNT LIKE ME BACK"- Bokuto 🥺😭

Please for the love of God 🤦‍♀️

The next few weeks continue, much like they normally do

Bokuto occupies 99.99997% of your time in and out of practice

He's taken to making sure you get home ok, having coffee dates and even having dinner

However it's one night when you have a movie date that you "accidently" fall asleep on Bokuto

Please YN, he's dying 😫

He's taking all the pictures and sending them to everyone he knows

Team Japan ✔️ Akaashi ✔️ his doctor ✔️ some random person he barely knows ✔️ ✔️

Bokuto is so in love YN 🥰

And what he doesn't know is that you are falling for him too 😍

That's right, as annoying as he might be, he's freaking adorable and WE LOVE HIM!

However you don't know how to tell a giant owl man you care for him

Like you don't know his reaction so it could go one of a few ways

1) he could literally just due on the spot

2) he could scream

3) he would cry

4) he would break you and/or himself

Literally the possibilities are endless

However it's a good thing you don't have to worry about confessing 👀

Because you see, a certain someone has been noticing Bokuto's feelings towards you...

A certain tall haired rooster 😏

At a press even for the olympics, you are busy running around trying to keep all the boys on schedule

Thankfully Bokuto is busy with an interview right now so it's giving you time to catch up

"Hey Yn! How's our favorite manager doing?"- Kuroo says, he's evil smirk crossing his face

"Oh hi Kuroo! I'm doing great just waiting for the guys to finish up!"- You, our clueless angel 😇

"Say I was wondering, I wanted to talk with you about another opportunity after the olympics, maybe we could have dinner?"- Kuroo

Ok he definitely put you on the spot there

You rn 👉🏻😳😅 oh ummm-

Luckily or Unluckily (?), a certain someone just happened to overhear said conversation 👀

"KUROO!"- Bokuto shouts going next to you and pulling you behind him 😬

Possessive men am I right 😏

"What the heck do you think your doing with my YN?"- Bokuto

Wait a minute 😃

"I was just talking with YN about an opportunity for after the Olympics Bokuto"- Kuroo 😇

"Yeah well, stop!"- Bokuto

Kuroo 👉🏻 stop trying to advance YN's career 🤨

"That's not what I meant! You know I like YN so stay in your lane rooster head!"- Bokuto 😠

You 👉🏻👁👄👁 whet-

Kuroo 👉🏻😏😏😏

Bokuto 👉🏻😃 crap-

"Bokuto you like me?"- You

"Umm well- yes...."- Bokuto blushing and rubbing the back of his neck

You 👉🏻😐🥺 I like you too!

Please YN you literally give him the biggest hug and he all but dies on the spot 💀

We probably won't have to worry about emo mode for several weeks YN thank you for your service 🙏🏻

"You two crazy Kids!"- Kuroo says

Bokuto 👉🏻 😑 what did you want to talk to YN about?

"Well I wanted to see if YN would be interested in taking over an manager for MSBY but if they aren't interested..."

"YES OH MY GOD YN WILL DO IT!"- Bokuto screams

You 👉🏻 umm sure 😅

Please YN he's so happy right now 😭

Bokuto will parade you around to the team telling them how you returned his feelings

"YN LIKES ME ATSUMU SUCK IT"- Bokuto 😜

Atsumu 👉🏻😐🙄 whatever

Have we told you how thankful we are for you YN 🤣