#its just fucking bizarre i dont know this person i dont care about them its just FRISTURATING

[narutomaki]

if someone is not physically disabled but can't care for themselves due to a mental disability they aren't crippled? interesting. tell me how else you think high care needs people differ in the eyes of the abled public.

[skyburger]

forgot people really truly genuinely dont like the music on the radio in the early 2010s Wait. Ohmy god hang on i was looking up the top 100 so i could look at them across the years and the default is obviously the current top 100 and i need to stress out of the top ONE HUNDRED songs. about a THIRD are taylor swift songs (32/100). only two of these are below the top 50 (51 & 55, so. barely.) Thirty Fucking Taylor Swift Songs are in the billboard top 50. all of the top 10 are taylor fucking swift. doesnt even matter what i was gonna say because literally any other variety of stuff being in the top 100 is better than literally a third of it being taylor swift

^^^ do you understand why i put this in a reblog. diehard swifties are scary

holdon i have to put a ramble in the reblogs of this so peopledont find me in the tags (will make sense when i reblog)

[octoberwren]

So I hyperfixate on shows, I always have. I love storytelling. I'll be obsessed with a book/show/movie for a time and for whatever reason that fades. It fades rapidly if i don't care for the writing or the way its heading. I enjoy storytelling that grabs me and I'm a romantic at heart so typically I like shows with romantic relationships and friendships as the overall theme. (Fairy Tail being one of them)

Outerbanks was one of those obsession of mine, i got into it last year but to be honest that hyperfixation faded when season 4 was gearing up for one reason or another. And to be honest I'm glad it did. I've had writers fuck with the show i loved before, I've had to watch characters that deserved better than death as their "salvation" die for "stroyteling purposes" when honestly it was due to bad writing. Ben Solo comes to mind (Don't get me started) I've already lived a life filled with death, grief and trauma. I don't need that in my media. Death is not the redeemable action they think it is. Life is worth living, wanting peace and happiness with those you love, forming new bonds, growing and changing and loving yourself and those around you is the fucking goal and the fucking point. It's what makes life worth living and celebrating. i can not say this enough.

So to turn around and spit on that character for the sake of bad writing is fucking bizarre man. (I know about the drama, i also dont want to talk about that. The actors personal life is none of my business.) If for some reason the actor playing JJ Maybank couldn't continue playing that character anymore? Cool, unfortunate but like i said, none of my business. It was on the writers to create a better send off for him, than to blatantly disrespect the character like that. I'm not saying you can't explore grief, I'm not saying you can't write a gripping story about that. You can. But nowhere in my silly little comfort surfer show did I expect for them to kill one of the main characters off. Their parents? Sure. The sides characters? Yeah. But not them. You don't set up 4 seasons of them escaping frankly unbeatable odds, asking the viewers to turn off their critical thinking skills as the pogues defied the realms of relaity when it came to death, to turn around and have one of the fan favorites die. You just weren't clever enough to write a better conclusion. And luckily my hyperfixation did die or I'd be more pissed than this.

I may make a more in depth YouTube video on this subject as a whole because honestly i can talk about writers killing off depressed and abused characters as a self scarifice "move" for hours.

I have depression, PTSD, and so on. i have gone through unspeakable parental abuse, i have attempted suicide. i have survived by gritting my teeth and making fucking sure my mental health is taken care of. I have dug myself out of the abyss time and time again. I am a survivor. A final girl thank you very much. Do not tell me that the woman i used to be deserved a tragic end. She did not. It makes me so fucking mad seeing posts of fans that found comfort in this show, that related to JJ as someone free and filled with hope and loyalty despite his horrible childhood get death as his ending. It makes me livid that, that is what the writers chose as his legacy of thier own godamn show. Pain at the end of it all? And for what? Put him in a coma (to stick with your soap opera of a show that you set up) take him somewhere where he can't get back yet but still maintain the narrative that you made. I don't know be creative??? Thats your job??? Not the same old fucking dying trope that you knew would piss off your fans.

Listen, to the fans that are struggling with it. It's bad storytelling. It's bad writing. You'll find another story to relate to. Another character to find joy and draw strength and inspiration from. (And hopefully they'll take the care needed to tell such complex stories and themes)

If you have survived awful things, if you relate to him in one way or another, that is not your legacy. That will not be your story. You will find peace, and friendships and love. Don't let bad writers make you feel like your destiny is pain. It's not. It never was. You matter just for existing.

Anyway, I'm done ranting now. Be safe and take care of yourself.

[sysmedsaresexist]

this isnt at the mods who run the blog im just ranting. for clarification

im so tired of people who clearly dont know what delusions are calling endo systems delusions PLEASE LEARN WHAT PSYCHOSIS IS IM SHAKING YOU BY THTHE SHOULDERS PLEASE ACTUALLY LEARN WHAT A DELUSION IS PLEASE LEARN HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE WITH DELUSIONS SOME OF YOU ARE SO MASK OFF WITH YOUR ABLEISM

please please please check your ableist biases. and yes you can have disabilities and be ableist society has oppressed diabled people for eons ableism is ingrained in all of us in some way

*Nods* I agree with you, anon. I often see anti-endos calling endogenic systems "delusional" in the same way that ableist singlets call CDD systems "delusional." It's to invalidate our experiences because, to them, delusions are false beliefs.

I hate this idea about delusions, though. There's tons of mounting evidence that delusions aren't random, false beliefs -- they're a person's attempt to explain confusing or overwhelming experiences. Here's an interesting excerpt from a book called Psychosis, Dissociation, and Trauma: Evolving Perspectives on Severe Psychopathology:

Surprise, surprise! Delusions may be related to trauma & dissociation. I don’t think the people slinging delusional at others really care, though. To them it’s just their “this person is faking” buzzword in the same way that non-survivors co-opted the word triggered to start calling us weak / over-reactive. Nice, ableism. Love that. /s

To dig into this a little deeper, let's talk about what a delusion is. According to the DSM-5:

"Delusions are fixed beliefs that are not amenable to change in light of conflicting evidence. . . The distinction between a delusion and a strongly held idea is sometimes difficult to determine and depends in part on the degree of conviction with which the belief is held despite clear or reasonable contradictory evidence regarding its veracity. Assessing delusions in individuals from a variety of cultural backgrounds can be difficult. Some religious and supernatural beliefs (e.g., evil eye, causing illness through curses, influence of spirits) may be viewed as bizarre and possibly delusional in some cultural contexts but be generally accepted in others."

Notice how they say the belief is fixed, not false. The content of the belief doesn't matter that much. What matters is the behavior and distress that it brings. Someone with a delusion is fixated on the belief, it brings them distress/impairment, it won't change even they've seen lots of evidence that disproves it, and it's not a broadly accepted belief by their culture.

Plurality is its own culture, believe it or not, and this is academically recognized. Plurality existing without trauma is a widely accepted possibility here. Just because someone people don't think it's possible doesn't make it a delusion. It's just conflicting beliefs, not delusions. (That's not to say that it's impossible for someone to have delusions about being a system, or that systems can't have delusions related to their own plurality at all. But that's for those people and their therapists to work out, not us.)

I'm with you, anon. Calling people delusional for having a different belief not only waters down the actual distress and difficulties that having delusions brings, but it also turns the lived experiences of neurodivergent people into an insult. It's ableist. It's fucking ableist.

[cartoonrival]

ok + for goodness' sake sasuke so that the screenshot takes up less space

1)parallels between naruto/sasuke and naruto/kawaki. i think honestly carrying over and actually bringing attention to the love-obsession thing that was going on sort of mostly unaddressed in the original series (in terms of no one called naruto as insane as they frankly shouldve) has the potential to be very interesting, especially because bringing it into the sphere of a father-son relationship rather than a platonic/romantic one is not really something i've seen before, along with the fact that kawaki doesn't actually know naruto much at all, making this very much an idolization of an idea of the person who saved you, someone who can do no wrong and is so without flaw. it was what this dude said:

like kawaki's obsession is weird and emblematic of how he grew up. also, the way that both of them sort of end up treating the other like a thing to be protected or owned or passed around, kawaki trapping him in time prison with zero regards for the fact that no one wants to be in time prison, and naruto's famous "give sasuke back/dont talk about sasuke like you own him in front of me/i'll get sasuke back/ill break your legs if i have to", there is the dismissal of actual personal wants However.

kawaki does this because he thinks that naruto's life is worth more than anything ever, and the reason he thinks this is because he thinks naruto is the most perfect person in the world and the only one who can save the world from evil. in naruto's case, even though he has a habit of possessiveness, sasuke is very much still a person to him, someone he violently and desperately wants to be close to. he doesnt think sasuke is perfect or can do no wrong, he just doesnt really give a fuck what wrong things sasuke does because he loves him too much and wants him too bad to ever hold anything against him. anything sasuke does is understandable and forgivable. naruto wouldnt put sasuke in time prison to protect him because then they couldnt hang out, and he knows sasuke wouldnt want that anyways. while i think naruto's obsession is insane, its more possessive than dehumanizing, which is def the angle kawaki is taking. again, i think this could be interesting if it was expounded upon but i dont think anyone in boruto is enough of a character for this actually do be pulled off in any satisfying way.

2)boruto/kawaki vs naruto/sasuke. i think honestly i just dont really have it in me to even act like kawaki and boruto have a dynamic that even comes close to the bullshit naruto and sasuke have going on, but if i were to attempt to explain why i dont think this is the case than i think at least part of it (beyond the fact taht ever character in boruto is painfully undercooked) is that boruto and kawaki's bond is based almost entirely around both being marked by karma. like they become friends sort of on a more surface level same way boruto is friends with anyone else, but its definitely not the same as naruto and sasuke's inexplicable pull towards one another since they were kids. even though kawaki has like sort of stupid convoluted internal strife going on, boruto doesnt honestly have enough inner issues to even shadow the bizarre knot that is sns. boruto and naruto both didn't want to kill their wayward friends because it's hard to kill someone you care about, i don't think that reads as a strong parallel because its like . what kind of story would it be if boruto was just like Okay lets kill him... now! also if kawaki dies naruto stays trapped im p sure so if he kills kawaki he is also functionally killing his dad

3)naruto and sasuke are both terrible parents but sasuke is leagues leagues leagues worse and he sees boruto has his son more than he will ever see sarada as his daughter. to him, she is his daughter because that is the only way she should have the sharingan. he can't really stand being around her and any interaction he has with her is out of guilt. boruto is his son because boruto is naruto's son

4)why did they bring up that jiraiya might get resurrected and then just drop it or is this me forgetting since i watched boruto 6+ months ago

[meet-at-tycho]

sorryyy its late and i am filled with joy and whimsy. i love them so much, my sibling always gets annoyed with me cuz theyre all i talk about.. can you blame me? to have that vast boring nothingness shift into excitement and happiness and real true love? if you were me, youd talk about it too

its so funny cuz my life seems to move in cycles, familiar patterns that ive grown really sick of.. traumatizing and terrible, horrible bloody mess.... and then the most long drawn out boring slice of life youve ever witnessed. trauma! nothing! trauma! nothing! really tired of that.. i never thought that my nothing could be broken with joy, isnt that strange? for once, im not really hurting anymore. when i do hurt, i can handle it on my own and let go, and if its too much then i know im safe to express it

ive come such a long way, i dont tend to see myself positively, but.. its hard not to be proud. guys it turns out all you need to be happy is like. LOVE isnt that so corny isnt that so unbelievably predictable... APPARENTLY its true, i guess it feels different when yr actually experiencing it firsthand

im like on the verge of tears right now but. theres no sweeter joy than this, its so fucking BIZARRE. how did it happen this way? all the little bits and pieces that fell into place, delivered me angels and made me whole again.. cheesy, i know im being cheesy but i cant help it!! im sweet on them as often as i can be but theres still a lot of things i just.. dont have the strength to say directly. so i say them here, im sure only one of you will see this anyways. but i dont need either of you to see it, just speaking my feelings out into open air eases my mind a bit more

sometimes im like wow! theres no way this is healthy im . can i really experience true love? love that doesnt hurt? love thats REAL? as much as im tempted to deny it, im living it every day!!! i wake up and theyre both there to greet me, isnt that sweet? the first people i speak to when i wake up, the last people i say goodnight to when i go to sleep

i think i just need someone, i think im the kind of person that just.. ive been alone for a while, its OKAY its whatever, ive definitely grown used to it but. i thrive when im with them, its so? maybe all i need is someone else to keep me here.. ive got two!!!!!

maybe thats not clear enough

the way id get through that droning loneliness is escapism, nonstop daydreams and dissociation, i was barely here. only to eat and take care of my body a little bit, then its back to fantasy, because .. theres people who love me in my dreams! but.. im honestly finding it so hard to slip back into that habit now. its scary, because its whats kept me safe. hiding in fiction has kept me safe, kept me calm, happy.. but i cant shake it out of my head!!!! any time i try to fall back into those routines, the only thing i can think of is THEM.. like yeah this is great and all but.. i dont want to be trapped in my head anymore!!! theyre out there, i want to be out there..

if im honest? its terrifying. im forced to come to terms with ME as a person, who i am, something ive neglected to acknowledge for my entire life, but. im so completely wrapped up in my love for them that i hardly think about that!!!!! for once, it sorta almost feels like time is moving how it should be.. like every day that passes is different, every day that passes is SPECIAL. it hurts me to say this, but i think i love being alive? can you imagine that? how is it possible that two strangers could just.. fall into my life one day and before i even know it, im healing, im happy, im whole. MAKE ME SICKK its so foul. its almost pathetic!!! is that really all ive needed? this whole time, and i couldnt find ONE proper candidate throughout 20 years of life? its hard to really be upset about it, cuz.. ive got them now. thats all that matters

idk, i just. i think its really telling the kind of people they are, i know im only me, but.. for what its worth, theyve improved my life so drastically, i wouldve never thought id see myself happy like this. they do that for me, they do that and so much more. i love you 💞

[kreideprinz69]

Something that really grates on me about a lot of anti-Koma people is the complete lack of empathy for Nagito in regards to his actions from the Dead Room to the Chapter 5 Trial. Treating it as if it's the single most reprehensible thing any culprit has done over the course of the entire series. When it is pretty much the exact same shit that Asahina was pulling in the first game's fourth trial. But with a far less petty motive. We see how the remaining five survivors react when they discover the truth of the NWP in Chapter 6. They are all on the verge of a breakdown as it all starts to become too much for them, and they only narrowly pull themselves back together to initiate the shutdown. Now imagine how they would react if: 1. All those survivors were isolated from each other when they learned the truth. 2. They were not made aware of the fact that their apparent turn to evil wasn't actually voluntary, and that they too are victims. 3. They did not have the three DR1 survivors and AI Chiaki to offer moral support during these revelations. 4. They were not made aware that any person who dies in the simulation will actually be possessed by Junko's AI in the real world. Because those were the circumstances of Nagito learning the "truth" in Chapter 4! His antis get so worked up over his bitchiness towards Hajime and the others, that they refuse to see just how tragic and pitiable the situation really is. What at first seems like a bizarre and vicious betrayal is actually a young man finally having his spirit broken after a life of endless traumas. Becoming so ashamed and disgusted with himself that the only thing he can think of as a small act of penance is to torture himself to death and get his classmates executed for their crimes. While not realizing that he's inadvertently aiding the same Ultimate Despair he's trying to stop. And it pisses me off when it bleeds over into fanfics too, with most of the cast ostracizing him for it. Because come the fuck on. Characters like Teruteru, Fuyuhiko, and Peko really don't much have a leg to stand on with that, considering their actions would have had essentially the same result if the class trials went their way. Me personally I like to think they'd keep a careful watch on him. But also make clear to him that while they don't condone his actions and think he made a terrible mistake, they're not going to condemn him either. Acknowledging that if they'd been in his position, they don't know what they might have been capable of. Considering how his character grew, I like to think Fuyuhiko would be one of the first people to admit that he'd probably have reacted just the way Monokuma wanted him to if he'd been given that special "prize".

YESS this! this right here omg, i love talking about this.

i think it's really easy for people to treat nagito with a total lack of empathy because of just how far removed nagito is from his own humanity. so a lot of people just put the insane label on him and don't take much of a further look at his actions. but the reality is that every action he's taking holds so much meaning and has never not had a well thought out reason. doesn't make them justifiable, but does offer so much more depth into his character than just being "crazy."

also i agree on the aoi part, i really don't get how people hate nagito for chapter 5 but don't say anything about aoi trying to get her classmates killed in the trial. dont get me wrong, thats not me ragging on her, because i adore aoi. its just the inconsistencies in how people treat characters for their actions that bother me. i think people forget just how much of a stressful situation the cast is in. suddenly waking up where you're not supposed to be, missing memories, knowing your friend or you might die at any moment, not to mention the investigations and trials; thats all pretty fucked up.

and like you said, nagito was ENTIRELY on his own when he learned the truth about everything happening. he was already in a lot of mental distress when the killings started, so the whole "truth" would have just completely broken him. he's been so violently traumatized his entire life, literally everything has been taken for him and supposedly he's going to die from his illness soon since there's nothing left for his luck to take. the only thing he's been able to do is cope through his obsession with hope, (and if we remove the obsession with hope and just focus on the fact that they're inside a simulation and caused the world to end, that's already stressful enough. the main cast BARELY coped even with all the help) so when you take that into account AND that he was actively working against the one thing that could never leave him (hope)- that's pretty fucking destroying! the only way for him to not lose the last thing he had, was to commit suicide in the way he did. which he full heartedly believed was for the greater good.

the sheer mental distress you would have to be under to be totally okay with torturing yourself before committing suicide is, KIND OF A LOT lol. also, props to him for coming up with such an elaborate plan despite the stress he was under. i honestly feel like his death was heavily foreshadowed. the entire game he talks about wanting to be a stepping stone for hope and that he's okay with being killed for it. his entire life has all just been one big tragedy too. the way he died, his motives behind it, and goal to become the ultimate hope; it was honestly a great ending for him. but im not gonna go into depth on that because im already probably getting off topic here whoops

but lets talk about his bitch arc for a second (chapter 4.) people blow it SO out of proportion. nagito was an asshole for one afternoon and was bullying hajime because he's angry he's in love with some loser. its just funny to me how some people make it a huge deal and use it to say nagito hates hajime. in chapter 5 before he dies, he literally shows remorse for his actions and barely anyone talks about it!. i can talk about that a bit more on a different post if someone is curious but im trying not to let this get ungodly long lmao

also yes, the way characters in fanon will be overly critical with nagito. while i do believe they were a littleee bit harsh with him in the game (another thing i could rant about but i'll spare you) i really don't think they would hate him after the simulation. on the final trial with junko, they almost let her win. and when they learn about being remnants and they all wake up, i think they would have come to understand nagito at least a LITTLE bit better. literally none of them are inoccent, so they probably came to realize they weren't all that much better than nagito. while we don't really see nagito interact with the other characters much in the danganronpa 3 hope arc; he looks to be on good terms with the rest of the cast. and just judging by how they all agreed to just live for the future and put the past behind them, i do think they would try their best to give nagito a chance, even if they're a bit weirded out by him. also i totally agree with the fuyuhiko bit! i think he's a very reasonable person that understand morally grey areas, so i like to think he was one of the first to start giving nagito a chance.

okay sorry that this was SO long oh my god. i cannot make myself stop talking sometimes, especially if it's nagito related sdhjfbsdfkhjb. but thanks for the ask because i find discussing this stuff super interesting!!! <3

[ef-1]

🚩👹❤️❌️🆘️🚨💄💋🌹🍒!

sooooOOooooOOOOooo I'm 21, my friend is engaged, this is my first experience with one of my direct friends actually going on a wedding journey or whatever the fuck you call it, until today I thought the bridzilla thing was like a myth or a joke or mayhaps a boomer thing I don't fucking know what I thought but like. what is this truly. how many times can one person say "but it's my engagement party" before it's socially acceptable to hiss at them.

It's literally so bizarre. I know this is a stressful time. I understand the urge to want everything to be perfect. I know you want the support and help of your friends but maybe? Don't? Be? A? Cunt? I've known her for years, she's always been so sweet???

She made our other friend cry bc she wanted him to pick up the wine and he replied "sure! I'll head over at 3pm (party was at 7) after lunch with my bf" "ITS MY FUCKING ENGAGEMENT, CANT YOUR LUNCH WAIT" ¿¿¿ ???

I picked up the hors d'oeuvres, she changed the order from the catering company last minute so there was an extra charge, no biggie, I paid for it, didn't mention it to her at all. Picked up her dress. I booked & paid for her hair stylist. We're the same shoe size so for a couple of weeks I went out, tried on a bunch of shoes for her and sent her photos until she found the one. Steamed her dress this morning. She's not too handy with makeup and she asked me to do her makeup, something I've done hundreds of times before to no complaints but today was"kate, you're not doing it right, I want it to look like yours" WE DONT HAVE THE SAME FUCKINF FEATURES IM NOT A FUCKING MAGICIAN. Her sister doesn't drive so a couple of weeks ago I made the 3 hour drive to her country ass town to pick her and her weird husband who would not fucking stop flirting with me up. My friend got his bf who's a photographer to photograph the party for free. I lended her my grandmother's jewellery.

Literally one thing about me is I'll never ever, ever, ever do anything for someone because I expect something in return bc I think that's a shitty way to approach life and you'll hurt yourself when people don't repay you for something they didn't ask for. So I'm not the type of person to regret doing a favour bc if I do something, I wanted to. I had no problem with doing any of the above bc I agreed to do it. I wanted to do it.

What I did not agree to is having to watch her scream at our friend for 20 minutes until he cried. Honestly this should have been enough, I'm not a timid person I should have told her to fucking cut it out and I'm ashamed I didn't.

My nervous system has been literally fucking eating itself. My leg has been completely numb for 2 weeks now. standing is fine, but I literally can't walk without a cane. It sucks. It fucking sucks because people look at you and they mean well always but they can't not look like they pity you when they do. And she'd been disgusting today. Like a genuinely horrible person. And it's her night, didn't want to ruin it so after 2 hours of formalities, when people started grinding on eachother like animals in heat and her sister's husband started eyeing me like the fucking weirdo that he is and i got my 8th "Awwwww Katherine you look beautiful, why don't you dance" of the night BECAUSE I FUCKING CANT MAYBE THIS IS A REHEARSAL FOR WHEN I GET PARALYSED FUCK OFFFFFFFF I HOPE THE SUN FALLS ON YOUR FUCKING HEAD

I went up to her and whispered "hey, I'm just going to head out, the fatigue is hitting hard and I hate when people ask me why I'm not dancing" which is something she knows. Something I've confided in her about a hundred times. When MS fucks my mobility I usually just stay at home until it boils over, she knows this. So imagine my surprise when she literally looks me in my dumb fucking eyes 🧿🧿 and says "kate are you serious? Can't you just hold on a for a couple of hours, what am I meant to do without you." girl at this point? die for all I care.

Her raggedy ass fiance, who I've advocated the dumping of a trillion times btw has the AUDACITY to chase me to the car when my flatmate comes to pick me up with "Katherine you're upsetting her" ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽

the wildest part is, this isn't even the wedding, this is just the engagement I just realised maybe despite knowing this friend for years maybe I didn't know her at all lol anyway I looked so fucking good it wasn't even close and I'm so glad I decided not to wear the expensive dress I'd planned on wearing, and maybe this is all a sobering lesson about socially sanctioned behaviour and not swallowing your tongue when someone you love is made to cry

[myrfing]

6.4 msq spoiler thread

YES! YES....ZERO GOURD FEAST BEASTS

i need this buff PERMANENTLY

EW

ESTINIEN

MAN WHAT

HURLING

DIDNT NEED TO SEE THAT

ZERO LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

yshtola is so good at indirectly cheering people up in that shrewd old lady way. not that she's old just well matoya

I like how they put pen and paper in estinien's room like he's literate

dragons are always wanting to pop out their eyeballs

erenville are you...? the golled more...? can i go with you..

can we kiss

god he appeared on screen and SORRY vrtra but i need him to continue and tell me about his life and I need to go with him

now they're blueballing us about a mysterious letter

i like how zero's just been there like well I guess you know everybody on earth then

margrat. i need more of her bizarre behaviors

i forgort

thancred calling it "social struggles" YOU GUYS ARE MAKING THIS AWKWARD FOR ZEROOOO

these drake ass polar bears

the aetherfont is sooo gorgeous also I forgot my codex broke and nearly let thancred die. long time since ive healed a trust party as well but we go slow smell the ice bears

oh my god :U

thancred: just stick stay close to this one

gourd: slowly turning head with his o_o frontal bird face

they just let thancred tag along just beacause. not to be mean but we could also just meet new people

U Guys Are Leaving Gourd OUt of the Conversation Hinting At Something Happening To Come What The Hell So He Doesn't Get Alone Time And You Guys Are Getting Jobs Without Him Anyway

zero voice Idgaf about that

can the garleans get over their magic fear already you live in a world where there are glowing horses

damn that's crazy

msq is always very strangely gentle and thorough relative to others when it comes to dealing with garlean trauma or maybe thats just my hater lens. anyway the whole they are bigoted and small minded because they'd been hurt stuff is getting old and it's kind of crazy how this hurt people hurt people stuff is the limit here

trust me i dont really want 2

a weird bit about the whole garlemald thing is the bizarre angelic benevolence of the ilsabard contingent. not ONE person has been like you know you guys spent the past half century fucking up the entire world and you still demand respect for your gay ass tower because the imperial family sat their asses in it. anyway i have problems with the whole we're actually a totally 100% saintlike patience goodhearted pure intentioned foreign aid group thing We Have To Save The People Of Garlemald on the side of the alliance since the start but whatever

warmachina.

i dont want the thank you from this man LMFAO

zerooo 8[ also so much of what zero recounts explains. Cylva.

aw that's true jullus

LMFAOOOOO THEYRE MAKING THE WOL THINK OF ZENOS BECAUSE OF THIS CONVO? gourd did NOT trust that man unless you mean trust him to be awful. and what did zenos trust in the wol that he'd fight him eventually? I GUESS? MAYBE THEY MEANT HE WANTED TO TRUST US BUT I ALSO DO NOT CARE?

we're not friends just because someone calls you their friend 29083902 times 💀 i think that dude barely had a concept of gourd as a human being with his own life

an act of trade also can be an act of charity. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN THEIR POLITICAL WRITING IS SOMETIMES SO.....garlemald is still absolutely at the alliance's mercy + they still obviously believe in right by might re: that one line from the old dudes so there's no reason for them to not be cognizant of the fact we can just take by force and doesn't handle the hanging But Why Aren't They? question at all. this was a pity deal and everyone's like friendship and hope <3. im not saying goodwill and sincerity cannot exist between groups but this requires a sense of solidarity that we do NOT have with garlemald considering we still have to step entirely around the subject of their imperial affairs

you see as a nation they're not equals. they're the languishing half dead scattering remnant of an empire that built its wealth and prosperity for a time on war, theft, and enslavement of the rest of the world and radz and the alliance absolutely could just turn the tables and invade and probably just wipe out everyone here without breaking a sweat. of course that's abhorrent but it's crazy that THIS particular pain even the mere thought of it is made to not exist while the garleans get to be complicated about it. they want to keep their national name and pride with none of the consequences and we don't even demand that as if a nation is sacred and untouchable even after everything. I don't get it bro

i like the way varshahn says wyrm

THE LITTLE SQUICH SOUND WHEN I TAKE HER EYE?

glitter guy....

[newyorkkiss]

its me 🥄 im still around im like.. on tumblr to an embarrassing degree because i have. well, problems i suppose. so rest assured i am, more often than not, seeing and enjoying the posts- i really do like all the fun stuff you find and the things you scan and the photos and gifs you post/make! also btw i just got done listening to that mount kimbie/king krule song you posted and i absolutely loved that. sorry i dont reach out much or come off anon ever its the. aforementioned problems. fun fact i live in united states central timezone (spoon technically qualifies as a semi local band to me) and have for all this time! i just dont ever sleep right haha. due to, circumstances. things sure suck and are weird huh! in a general sense. i think you can probably relate. 🫂 <- this is us if you want.

anywayyy sorry this got weird and sad lmaooo please keep listening to good music, including spoon, and posting about it so i can see!! i need to keep learning about how genuinely odd (affectionate <3) britt daniel is. something to be said for how ethereal and feylike he can come off while simultaneously being the most literally just some gen x guy ever. sir why are you willowy.. why are your features so delicate. why is your hair so downy. WHY are you wearing the lamest fit ive ever seen. and so forth, you know what i mean. i also like learning from you about what an adorable babygirlifiable dork alex fischel is which i had been sorely overlooking

obligatory ↑

but yes spoon anon i missed you so much. you are so loved. please feel free to literally say anything any time. cutting this cuz i'm gonna yap.

that description of britt is so... accurate. like nail on the head 100% truth, words taken straight from my mouth, etc. he can genuinely be so beautiful – it's actually stunning. sometimes he can look like an evil goblin lol. it's astounding. seeing it irl is kind of blinding, hypnotic in a way? he moves so fluidly and perfectly. like 100% control and command of the space he's in – he knows what he's doing. like he could just be like any other performer and just stay stood in one place barely moving – let alone interacting with any other members, which is very lovely to witness – all interaction between them is so heartwarming, like you just know they all actually love doing what they're doing and enjoy performing. they goof off sometimes, don't give a fuck when they do. it's just lovely.

and yes alex is literally the babiest girl to have ever existed imo. only one other man is that good to me but i'm not mentioning (not shameful, just don't think anybody cares. it's sebastian vettel.) that aside he is also so... bizarre? which is something even i overlooked for an extremely long time until i was like Okay what is up w this guy what is his lore. he has a deeply attention deficit riddled childlike quirkiness that i have to resonate with. his tweets on the spoon twt are really unhinged. even his personal tweets are unhinged. he says some of the most random shit sometimes in interviews. he somehow manages to look so fucking beautiful when he's bored as fuck in interviews. i made a heap of gifs from one bts video from their twms era acl performance (need to track down the full thing and make more) and he's so fucking drunk it's endearing – he's just vibing the fuck out in his own little world the entire time. in the post-show interview he's looks utterly hammered sipping from a bottomless solo cup, not saying anything.

^ literally girls when they're drunk and have no idea what anybody is saying.

it is impossible to hate him. he's genuinely hilarious and all second hand descriptions of him being an instigator and a wild man are extremely accurate. and he's also obviously extremely talented. it's so jhghd to see how -.- he kind of gets whenever britt complements him on that. i'd have to dig around but there was a lots era pod they did and britt complemented him on his ability to play guitar which is a more recent-ish thing for him and said he's better than he is and alex was like Ummm okay? that's not true -__- and it's like ohgh man.... like the first (noisy) solo on satellite is alex btw and it's good?? he even bashes himself for not being able to sing too which is such a lie he sounds like an angel whenever he does live backup... but alas. he is so loved. we love him. everyone loves him. we all know britt loves him. he is the entire universe.

also yes i will forever be posting my garbicth music need not worry... nothing will ever stop me from posting spotify links here or anywhere else. i have a massive general diary playlist of everything i listen to on a near daily basis and it's updated constantly. it's just one huge log of everything i've enjoyed since i was 16 lol. only becomes truly curated after mid 2017, though. also i apologize for the vast amount of greyed out local file tracks in that playlist but i swear a lot of them are worth tracking down if you're really interested.

[bmpmp3]

ive been a little frustrated in these latter years of my fine arts major because theres this weird... contradiction? discrepancy? something like that...

but like i've got like only two modes of making art really: 1) fuck around mode and 2) drawing my ocs like im a 10 year old on deviantart in 2008 mode AND LIKE okay Fuck Around Mode is just like. trying weird techniques for the sake of trying weird techniques - its very fun and i learn a lot that can be incorporated into the second mode and i mean i like the things i make in Fuck Around Mode they're nice and neat but like. theres no passion behind it except for THE PASSION OF THE GAME..... you know? im just playing ball with that art, i don't think all that much about my Fuck Around Mode pieces after im done making them until i need something for a portfolio or something LOL and to be honest i dont put all that much effort into it.....

but that leads into my '08 OC Mode where i do, in fact, pour my entire heart and soul in making images and pieces of art..... of just like an edgy angel oc or something. i do include techniques from Fuck Around Mode so they often get pretty interesting! but the subject of the piece is no longer "I Don't Really Care I Just Want To see What Happens If I Do This" and is instead. an anime boy i made up when i was 19. and i really do love the work i make in this mode, it means so much to me truly

but this is where the discrepancy i havent been able to grapple with quite yet comes in: to the IRL layman and to the citizens of the internet, both professional artists and otherwise, my '08 OC Mode is pretty strongly engaged with compared to any Fuck Around Mode stuff i put out there, even if people dont like it they take it seriously and earnestly you know!! but the second i step into school its the opposite - my teachers and peers seem to adore the Fuck Around pieces and many Do Not give a shit about the rest until i really push em to actually look at them.... its kind of bizarre.

i like getting critiques and i like when people interpret my art in whatever ways but its a bit frustrating when instead of giving useful advice on what to improve technically or compositionally or whatever i just get people ascribing passion and personal intent at art where there is very little.

where was that post of the comic where someones showing their art with all their heart and the other person says "this lacks truth" and the first person beats them up. i do feel a little like that LOL

i know not everything i make will always be effective at conveying the personal truths i put in to them, and effort put in does not have to equal an audience resonating with a piece: 2 minute doodle getting a million views and a 4 hour painting getting like 3 max online is a tale as old as time after all and i never minded it LOL i kind of post art on the internet using the same method as the wonderful ms paint fetish artist on deviantart who has been posting for 15 years without fail -> just keep posting what i do and what i like whenever i feel like it and whoever is interested will find me sooner or later <3

but it is a different feeling getting the IRL academic equivalent of this...... maybe its just the way the community in my faculty has been shifting? I've noticed there is like, an assumption, a bit among my undergraduate peers but mostly among professors and graduate students, that the reason one makes art is because they have something specific, clear, and pointed to tell the world. i do not make art because of that. i make art because i need to get it out of me.

i like it if a viewer can get something out of it, anything, whatever it is. im a big loud alien beast of a person like everyone else, desperate for connection and understanding only to be stopped by the barriers between molecules and atoms and everything as usual. but still i cannot make art with the intention to connect with others, with the express goal and desire to understand and converse and comprehend. i can only draw a cartoon character shoulders up facing three-quarters to the left.

[blookmallow]

recently been looking into poppy playtime (it’s…. ok) and its like. theres some good concepts in here and the designs are pretty good but i feel like the lore falls apart immediately if you look too closely at it and maybe im missing something since i havent actually played it (i watched markiplier play it and then dug through the internet for the rest of the information until i lost interest) but ok

i like the biological elements to the monsters - love something bleeding when it Should Not Have Blood. i really dont think you can fit that many organs in a little dinosaur toy though. the big ones sure but that one guy who got put in a toy size dinosaur? and why did they just leave him in with the other experiments if he was a staff person who Agreed to this

anyway my main question is What Is The Motive Here

- if they’re seeking immortality, that just. feels like a really bizarre plot for a toy company? unless the idea is that the toy company was a front for the real operation all along but if you’re really trying to make bodies for humans to inhabit why not focus on, y’know, humanoid things, rather than whatever the hell huggy wuggy is. nobody wants to be that guy forever. and the monster toys still can die anyway, so

- it seems more likely that the purpose was to build worker/slaves, productivity and marketing over ethics and employee well being (kind of an ironic message coming from a developer who puts so much emphasis on marketing and also, the whole NFT thing, but whatever) we know huggy is intended to be security and mommy is intended to be the host for the games, but if that’s the reason - is it really that beneficial to squish people into monster toys? they already have a foster care system providing them with children they’re using as test subjects. this company clearly doesn’t give a shit about ethics, so why not just take advantage of the child labor they have access to rather than spending ungodly amounts of time and money on all these testing procedures and mutilating children into toy slaves. extremely traumatized workers forced into fucked up toy bodies are not going to be as efficient. they can still be killed and still need to eat (evidently More than a child would normally anyway, ) so what exactly is the benefit here. and like. ok mommy has some clear advantages but huggy’s really floppy. we see kissy flop her noodly arm helplessly trying to pull one lever - as cute and funny as that moment was, its clear this creature would not be a great factory worker

- if the point is that they intend to sell the toy monsters, theres just no benefit there whatsoever, even if the ethics of shoving frightened orphans into toys doesn’t bother you, even if you do fix the extreme aggression problem, you’re still gonna get lawsuits from parents when their kids’ toys start wandering off and crying in the corner. also toys get broken, kids tear things open, modders take things apart, people are going to figure out real fast that there’s, y’know, organs in there

which brings me to my major question of WHY is there a commercial for poppy? it seems like the poppy we find in the case is The Only poppy, she’s the only experiment that worked properly, she’s the ideal “toy that can talk to you like a person! (because she is one)” but they’ve never been able to replicate that success - how were they able to sell these dolls with the promise of the Real Girl Intelligence if they only had one (which clearly wasn’t sold since she’s still there)? or did they film the commercial after their success intending to make more dolls and never released it when things went wrong? poppy’s on a lot of the advertisements and stuff so she seems to be a recognized character in the brand. did they at one time manage to recreate her and just sold a bunch of little orphan girls trapped in dolls? is that what I’m supposed to be taking from this?

[mostspecialgirl]

more mercedonius rambling. extra long ramble

think i will give these posts little banners now since i liked doing the hastur one from a while back

this is a real ramble post because i dont even really know where this is going to go. ive just got little quarks and shit buzzing around my brain and i have to get them out. i’m going to be really cringy about this.

of course, i primarily want to talk about ptah and the high calamities in general. no one’s going to read this anyway so i can be as confusing as i like.

SOMETIMES i get SO obsessed with my little calamities that i forget what the mercedonius ranking truly means until the pieces slide into place. i fucking LOVE things beyond hunan understanding. i love “cosmic horror” shit because what i truly love is “the fear of the unknown”. initially, the whole planeswalker association and sea of stars business was meant to serve that purpose in the relicverse.

that beyond all the tales that take place, there’s some kind of foreign council in god knows where who are so far beyond any measurable scale despite the crazy shit that takes place within the stories that they don’t even bother to pay attention to what takes place. who cares. even if multiple planets are destroyed they won’t do so much as blink unless it’s an allied location. and in that case, they send forth lone soldiers through holes in space whose abilities are so far beyond comprehension that they’re able to tackle these issues without much of an issue.

and to most extents, that’s still who they are. that’s still what they do. and that’s still their placement for as much as anyone should ever rightly care. but see with me fleshing out all the information about the politics of the sea of stars and personally demystifying the P.A. ESPECIALLY with the introduction of the Hundred Nights Guild, they became way less of “look at these mysterious freaky guys” and more of “the government can be kind of cool if its fictional”. it’s not like i regret it or think it was a mistake or anything. this shit rocks. i love the planeswalker association to death and everything that came out of the shift in the way i considered their writing.

but it left a void! a void for Writing Freaky Mystery Guys As Freaky Mystery Guys. and so, through the typical course of action of “let’s comb through some older loose ends” it was only natural i settled in with the mercedonius. the council’s vaguely defined ranking system and the presence of a uniquely distinguishing ranking that went above the existing 12 (each names after the months of the year) was too neat for me not to fuck around with.

considering that alejandro was given the rank to distinguish the fact that she is incomparably powerful compared to everyone else, i started to puzzle “well, just how big IS that gap between Decembrian and Mercedonius?” and ran wild with it. from there, the mercedonius were selected extremely naturally to me. demiurge was already established as the most powerful with mystifying complicated nonsense abilities, mr.Anchorkeeper 'Father' Nero Titor has always some kind of bizarre multidimension wanderer who had the power to go toe to toe with achamoth, and Azathoth’s just been sitting around in Voidgulf doing little much of anything.

the mercedonius rank was a way of getting me interested again in my powerful little pawns i set off to the side, and with time, the most important of them became the high calamities. But i’m done talking about boring fucking developmental shit. I want to talk about boring character stuff now.

PTAH!!!! Sitting around thinking about ptah tonight is why i’m even typing up this stupid fucking post because i need to get this shit out. what an A+ character for feeding my illness. his concept has been bred to make my brain ROT.

the first born architect of the ancient race, and a disgraced member of the kailash clan. because like. what do you mean DISGRACED MEMBER OF THE KAILASH CLAN. what do you mean MINETTE wants him GONE. the kailash are fucking psycho killers dont get me wrong but to inspired true ire out of them ESPECIALLY as a member of the Kailash Clan yourself has always been something alien. get it. alien. because they’re like. space pirates. even when their goddamn child of prophecy turned out to be some piece of shit who hated their guts they did not give two fucks. they are beings who do not treat emotions in any way that is human. any perceived humanity by the Kailash of Genesis Earth is bur a mask they wear in order to manipulate their victims. like fucking hyenas of bestiary legend who mimic the voice of humans in order to devour their victims and their beloved dead. so of course i had to jingle some fucking keys in front of my own face by going “buhhh but what if they really DID hate ONE motherfucker.” because mary sue shit gets me so excited.

i could easily go off about the kailash clan in another post. expect that to come eventually.

and fuck he’s so good a the mary sue shit. i made him the master of the wandering eye of the sea in a stroke of Tie Up Loose Ends Genius. the wandering eye of the sea is one of my favorite pieces of batshit insane relicverse lore and attaching it to ptah makes it even crazier. it’s total nonsense that impresses no one but me. a unique primordial pool formerly used by horos during creation that was eventually handed off to azathoth due to their connection that was eventually abandoned due to its growing instability and azathoth’s total lack of giving a shit, letting it wreak complete fucking havoc on the rest of the developing sea of stars at large, and creating some absolute monsters that would come to define the politics of the future… and now, despite being far less of a threat, it’s still a wandering galactic storm of pure creationary potential. even trinajm veloc could only make a single half-baked sinai child from it before going “well. fuck this. This thing fucking sucks to work with And fuck the aeons too”. but ptah gets it. Of course he does. he’s seen beyond the veil after being getting mindfucked by nyarlathotep and despite rhat initially being used to control him, not only did it drive him to being too crazy to be a useful pawn to nyarlathotep, it allowed him to intuit the mechanics of the wandering eye of the sea due to understanding the more esoteric qualities of the mystic. all those nonsensical unexplainable bits of knowledge and lore he could not apply to his own reality perfectly completed when coming across something unknowable to even the greatest mind in the sea of stars. like im sorry thats kind of cool as fuck to me.

and naturally. That drives the planeswalker association and the hundred nights guild fucking crazy. because there’s this weird unregistered planeswalker going around building “art” wherever he goes. but oh my god. he’s a kailash? those guys we hate? his “art” is proven to be pieces to multiplanar weaponry whose mechanics cannot be understood? he’s utilizing the wandering eye of the sea, the very pool that hundred night’s leadership was born from? the tools of the gods who created all that is to ever be known? even the KAILASH want him dead? and they dont know ANYTHING???? Oh bitch they are going nuts. to reiterate, the branch managers of the planeswalker association are so far beyond everyone else in terms of knowledge and capability. beings who are supposed to be unshakable pillars.

and yet they can’t seem to grasp a single fucking THING about ptah’s existence. they can’t understand how he does what he does or why. they barely even know WHAT he is, with the kailash being relative unknowns in the inner rim. these people who carry the weight of the entire sea of stars on their back and yet there’s just some guy out there doing whatever the fuck he wants and they don’t know how he’s doing it, how to stop him, or ANYTHING!!!! they’re left in the DUST and have to suppress information about his existence on the off chance something goes awry and he decides to just go psycho murder on everyone.

even the hundred nights guild is only slightly less clueless. they have their own disgraced kailash who somehow STILL finds himself struggling to find the right words to explain ptah to them despite holding ZERO allegiance to the kailash clan. their ace confident swindler and unsympathetic manipulative bastard getting clammy at the hands and avoiding their gaze, stuttering and stumbling through his words as his usual silver tongue fails to weave even bronze. and understanding more about the kailash only makes ptah far more fearsome. because they know that unfeeling, indifferent iron claw of power they use to cordon off their space, they know of the King of Voidgulf who surely must be the greatest sleeping threat to the sea of stars, and yet somehow, one lone kailash has made them freeze up. one individual who these cruel masters want to kill at any cost and yet are far too fearful to approach. a man ironically resembling a scarecrow, scaring off the formidable unknowable crowd the guild struggles to even gaze at only to protect his crops through methods that can’t be understood.

and of course he has the Red Book of the Pierced Tome Set. none of them know it yet! but they’re totally going to shit themselves when they find out! of course him and trinajm have an alliance they don’t know about! they aren’t even entirely sure if trinajm exists but of course ptah’s shared a few drinks with them.

that’s my guy for real. i need to finish his video. This is what i crave. i make strong characters so they can make my other characters afraid. my whole OC process is just throwing someone onto the Fear Pyramid and the ones at the top are my favorites.

AND NATURALLY, HE’S CHILL BROS WITH LOCAL “HIGH CALAMITY MONSTERFUCKER” IRVING MEDULOSK. BECAUSE, A. OF COURSE HE IS. AND B. IT’S REALLY FUNNY. TEN POINTS TO IRVING!!!! and fuck if it doesn’t have great lore to it as well. local shiteater mindscaper kailash from starshot is only fucking watching margaret medulosk in that series because of the fact ptah visited her so much when she was a baby. of course the kailash have to send their dreamwalking manipulator to try and curry her favor and control her. because why in the WORLD is their mortal enemy ptah so interested in her? what is he doing there? surely he can’t just be there for no reason. ptah? that monster? making friends and playing house? preposterous!

motherfucking irving medulosk. just a stupidly charming guy with no strings attached to that. he’s just likeable, honest, and truthfully stupid enough to treat the high calamities like normal people. something they don’t get from anyone. and of course being a charmer on top of that OF COURSE HE BAGGED A SWEET ALIEN WIFE!!!! a sweet alien wife who threatened the death of his universe and later found out after he put a baby in the oven that she might actually threaten the death of every possible universe. he didn’t even know those existed. And of course, that leads me into talking about nayra.

nayra fucking medulosk. miwa the flower of evil. look at that old ass art from when i was a FETUS. i’ve been thinking about her FOREVER. (she isn’t a space pirate anymore, that honor MIGHT go to margaret’s dubiously canon older sister. i’m working on it)

she used to be named miwa medloski but im like irving doesnt seem like a medloski i’m going to make it sound stupider. and it worked.

nayra’s another fun character to me because she’s the only true “alien” in the traditional sense in the relicverse. a being from “space” who is “beyond understanding” in the typical Sci-Fi Alien Movie Way. it’s simple and clean! it can be as scary as it needs to be, or funny and inoffensive too. it’s a nice position that allows her to be the silly alien wife of irving when need be, and the murderous unknowable foreign entity when its called for. and i don’t think it detracts any from the quality of her character. i think.

i honestly don’t have much to say about her aside from “oooh i love herrr”. so i’ll talk about someone else.

collux pyrety. bet you didn’t expect that. that’s right, some mercedonius aren’t high calamities. what does your bitchass know about the 15 stars of the dacian zodiac. what does your BABY BRAIN know about omnipath logos and the extinction children. NOTHING!!!!!

well i lied because i’m not really talking about collux for too long. this is a gateway into talking about the mercedonius rank in general again. but i’ll talk about her a little.

collux is what i love about writing for alejandro (the series) and reminding myself that the relicverse can just be some stupid shit sometimes. because yeah of course there’s a threat on the level of the high calamities working as an indentured servant in space walmart to seek political asylum. who are they seeking asylum with? A dude whose power is to make people poop on command. And you have to take him REALLY seriously because hes really good at making people poop.

but really collux’s existence (along with the extinction children in general) make me think about how much i love the suppression of information as my overused narrative trope thing whatever the fuckthe word is. because blah blah blah the unknown or whatever. here’s an excerpt.

The council found the need to create the ranking of Mercedonius to assign to their former leader, Alejandro Steamship Nihilo, an honorary ranking they believed was only needed for her due to her extreme level of power that far exceeded Decembrian. Though initially believing such a role was too useless to put into practice within the Planeswalker Association, eventually with the rise of the Calamity, the Planeswalker Association has come to understand the need for Mercedonius.

so, yeah. the association co-opted the ranking system after making contact with the council and whatnot bleh bleh bleh. but of course, with the council seeming unwilling to know more about the mercedonius rank at first blush, they didn’t divulge any more info. and then seeing how much they feared someone like trinajm… they looked at eachother and thought “well we probably shouldn’t tell them we have like 15 of these guys just in our plane alone right” Ahhhh……… look at that suppression of information…..

BUT HOLD!!!! because that doesn’t mean there’s 15 beings on par with the high calamities!!!!!! because only 12 of them have been born. and two of them are already high calamities. so really there’s only 10.

okay jokes aside they also just… don’t fill that niche. and luckily, the lore i’ve written explains that away too!

Though both systems are mostly the same, The Council holds rankings to much higher scrutiny than to the Association, and defines what constitutes a 'threat' much more broadly.

so no. they aren’t all high calamity level. they’d probably be able to survive against them, but honestly that goes for most people in NIHILIC EARTH. which. i probably havent posted much about . that’s where the council is and the extinction children snd where alejandro’s set and all that other bullshit it’s a whole thing

i totally just zoned out for like 10 minuyes. so that means i’m going to wrap this up and come back to talk about father ging trinajm and demi some other time. expect a part 2. and. Apart 3 and a part 4 im gonna be talking about this forever. i was gonna talk way more about collux but honestly their lore is buried under such dense character lore that its hard for me to even ramblepost about it without feeling like a complete total dork. Rhat should really say something if youve managed to read this far. It’s a lot.

collux is a stupid big headed bitch. ptah is cool as fuck. nayra’s my little baby. what else is there to say. Fuck you!!!

[indigo474]

Jan 14th- sunday sunday sunday

i meant to write all week but didnt.. so much happens, all the time.

I stopped to get gas one morning this week. Thursday? yes, thursday i know because i ran that morning and showered before work. As i was getting my gas i just happened to look over at the pump across they way from me and there were 2 guys checking me out.. it made me smile.. they were kids but still.. i looked behind me and there was another guy checking me out.. it use to make me feel a certain way.. not a good way- but this day- it made me feel good and also i get it.. i look good so i really cant blame them for looking..

tuesday i saw James and everything felt heavy. i lifted less but more reps which was fine with me. i was not feeling it..Thursday i dead lifted 200lbs.. another personal record. apparently this is what we do.. we dead lift. there is no limit as to how much we lift. my knees feel better. i ran a few times this week.. not real far.. 3miles. i ran friday morning in my neighborhood.. in the daylight. first time. i feel like i am making progress.. i have this thing about not being seen.. bizarre considering all i really want is to me seen .. but i'm also scared of being seen but i said fuck it.. i didnt have enough time to drive to the park and i really wanted to run.. so i did.. i'm not sure who saw me nor do i care.. progress.

i was in my feelings at the start of the week. there is a guy in my neighborhood who gives me an icky feeling. i know him but i dont. our daughters were friends in elementary school. i dont think he knows me.. but he smokes cigarettes and watches me run in the am. he reminds me of X.. i drove by his house one night and he was smoking with the door open. something X would have done..smoke in the door way -not really outside- smoke goes in the house.. anyway. i heard this guy leave early monday morning.. absurdly early. 4 ish. it reminded me of x, only he would leave at 3 something to go see his baby momma and his baby.. it brought back memories of the bullshit that i lived through and how messed up it all was .. i didnt deserve to be treated they way i was treated considering what X was up to. is this neighbor guy up to no good.. who knows..i'm just glad i don't have to worry about anyone doing me dirty. its kind of weird what can trigger a memory.. the great news is ..it's all great news.. the past doesnt matter- here now!!!

New York!! such a great time. Dancing in times square! Times Square.. electric.. I was so glad to share the experience with Madison. We went to a museum to see Taylor swifts clothes. MAds is going to London in Aug to see swift- and wants me to go. I am on the fence. i need to make a decision by the end of this week. I am amazed by the number of people in the city.. amazed.. it was a fun visit and i would like to go back. weird thing.. we went to lunch and the other mother we were with was super excited when she saw alcohol on the menu .. i told her i was going to have an iced tea because caffeine.. it was like i ruined the party.. i told her to go ahead and order a drink.. she declined. it made me feel weird.

i made it 10 days.. 14 days porn free and vibrator free.. it was a lot of work to make myself orgasm-i'm just happy i could do it without watching porn.

I got myself a book light and i absolutely love it.. and it was on sale. it makes reading in bed so much better.. just a little light.. i actually really love it. im still reading the Bhgavad gita.. i'm still excited for this year.. not so much this winter.. it is cold and i am over it. i think we are getting snow. i hope it isnt true. I am falling in love with myself more and more each day. it sounds weird to say, type, think, feel.. i am in a love affair with me.. i am looking forward to having next weekend off.. i am still waiting for my King... i hope he is somewhere happy. someday i will tell him about all the days i prayed for him before i knew him.

[otteroflore]

you know, i dont listen to true crime so when ive heard people talk about the insanity of true crime youtube ive just nodded along like... alright that seems wild. but i stumbled onto a true crime youtube channel and like. it is so WILD to me to hear the stuff people say that like... everyone seems to agree with.

like first of all you have people being like "i think criminals should take accountability by going to prison" which like... i dont even agree with on a deeper level but I get it, i get that people want revenge. i mean, i dont think prison is going to help most of these people, especially in the instances of like, them being under the influence or mental health breaks

but THEN, but THEN, the youtuber is like also 'I dont believe people when they use mental illness as a defense or drugs' and im just like. oh. so you just are saying it huh? thats so wild to me that people wouldnt accept the idea that people make really terrible decisions and it doesnt mean they should be put in jail forever. also just the entire idea that people who are addicted to a drug are themselves to blame for doing it in the first place is so like... icky.

and like as a person with mental illness myself, yeah, i get that you need to be careful when discussing the "insanity defense", because not all people with diagnosed mental illnesses kill people blah blah. but i really did come around to the Your Wrong About way of thinking about it where its like... maybe having murdered someone is um. a sign of there being a mental illness? all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares and so on.

i just found it so bizarre to listen to someone whos opinion is just bafflingly far away from what ive come to understand about crime over the last few years in particular. and also finding out that they work in the medical field but take sponsors like "mushroom powder + chocolate vitamin superfood supplement"*

*(in case youre wonder, in the united states testing has been done on many "Supplements" and found that they dont have the ingredients promised on the label in them, or theyre in such trace amounts that they cant be detected, because theres like no regulation. you can go to a fucking asian supermarket and buy reishi mushroom if you really want to oh my god)

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

Umineko, again

episode 1, part 7

i am not entering the Danger Zone where i want to see fanart of natsuhi but i cannot look her up bc i need my mind to be absolutely unblemished. if i saw a spoiler now, that would ruin everything. i actually care about this enough to actively avoid and fear spoilers. thats how serious it is getting. usually i really dont care.

so. back to the story.

eva suggests the servants did this together and its obvious she also fears what they could do, should they find out she knows. this makes sense superficially. perhaps it was even done under the directions of kinzo or natsuhi. man eva really fucking hates her. except why would the servants do this and why would shannon be a victim, too? and why would they draw that weird summoning circle on the sheds door? perhaps the closest theory that makes sense is that kinzo was behind it all and possibly got help from genji but even so... getting rid of his children and doing weird black magic shit might make sense but again, why shannon?

if this was an ace attorney game, we would now collect evidence. but it isnt and we cant because its dangerous. that would be too easy and umineko really loves to take its time before it presents you with conclusions.

never heard of her

concerningly, maria has entered her joker arc now. i cannot say whether this is her or beatrice using her as a vessel, much like i think she did during the reading of the letter. i just highly suspect shes doing that. ehhhh, not sure this needed three different cg's that get creepier each time. you're overdoing it man. its creepier if theres just a Little off about maria's face. this is my personal subjective criticism.

in general, i personally dislike the creepy child portrayal they started doing with maria. mostly bc i think its corny and instead of making things More Scary and creating tension, its just ruining the built up atmosphere. for me.

later on there is discussion whether her behaviour can be written off as Purely roleplay but i am not quite buying this. there has got to be more to it. then again if there is One thing that can change a childs speech pattern like this and influence their entire body language and behaviour.... it gotta be a witch hyperfixation and urge to roleplay.

so what does all of that mean!!!! huh!!!!!! it seems important to me that breaking free off bonds is a topic in this. everyone dead seems to at least share this common burden. some sort of social obligation to bound them. who doesnt!! but this seems to be an important topic in this game.

battler's personal resolution haver theme is really good. he is so funny. he is not buying any of this. from a rational standpoint it is correct of his to keep his guard up and suspect the worst of his questionable relative. from a meta standpoint it is extremely funny and bizarre he would rather blame a relative than escape into the more calming belief that a magical being could be causing all of this. even when the servants all straight up tell him beatrice is a person.

battler said NO escapism. i accuse my aunt of murder like a man. and then he also threatened the servants into talking, i guess. well, let him be mean, he has lost so much....

it seems battler specifically was just born with the inability to see or talk to her. skill issue. so she has to communicate with him through others? AND THE THING IS he is right. there is no reason to believe in a witch. he might look silly to others but i get him though.

is this beatrice in the room with us right now

servants of course accept beatrice as the culprit no problem and they seem to just straight up know that the six dead people were choosen by chance. interesting. so thats just one of the normal game rules? i guess? i had been wondering.

also i had not expected my comment about how natsuhi living reminded me of a game of werewolf to be this accurate. so maria's charm actually did it's due. wtf my questions are actually getting answered.

ALSO

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF THEM ALL

natsuhi with a gun

the lore for that gun is so fucking funny. grandpas western culture love is so unserious if you Are the western culture reading this