#its impossible to find jobs
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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this week has just. not been a good week (it's only Wednesday)
#i cant see my butch i had to take my grandma to the hospital last night im just so irritated i just want to stay at home but i have#a million things to do. i just spent £100 trying to get my laptop fixed but its impossible because the serial number is missing#and the manufacturer of my laptop doesnt let you see it via BIOS 😐 thats £100 i could've saved since i don't#have a job anymore and ive been without my laptop for a week while having to ship stuff off and it's rlly hard#without my computer! i don't want to go outside anymore i want to sit in the house and watch tv all day!!!!!!#like im blocking out the fact that i have to find a new job soon and soon that will bring anxiety and sadness 🙏#it never ends
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Rewatched the episode of House MD where Kutner dies and I honestly think instead of killing his character off, they should have said that Kutner got a job as physician to then President Barack Obama and that's why he was leaving. Objectively funnier since his actor did leave the show to work for Obama and I know it would have driven House nuts that Kutner was ditching to go play doctor with the President instead of getting verbally abused for House's amusement.
#house md#house md spoilers#i mean#the show is like a decade old but Kutner's death is kind of a big spoiler#lawrence kutner#but like#u KNOW Taub and Foreman would be seething with jealousy#kutner shows up one morning like hey guys i got a new job! I'll miss you!#and house makes some bitchy comment about who would be crazy enough to hire the guy who set a patient on fire#and Kutner is like the president did lol#thirteen would find Foreman's undying rage HILARIOUS im sure#i like to hc that Kutner is her Little Buddy™#Taub would be ready to kill someone#and House is mad bc well its p much impossible for him to meddle#can't very well intimidate and terrorize the president into not hiring one of ur emotional support ducklings bc ur jealous#wilson and cuddy c plot (Kutner's political career is the b plot patients are a plot obviously)#where they have to desperately try to prevent house from being arrested for domestic terrorism (stalking the president)#but yeah they should have just given Kutner the same reason his actor had for leaving#bc i think it would make Taub kill himself out of rage and Foreman would be chewing glass and House is going to end up on a watch list#meanwhile Thirteen is so proud of her emotional support Little Guy™ even if she's too busy talking Taub and Foreman off the ledge#to properly congratulate him#im objectively correct and kind of want to write this as an au fic
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#hm. im in limbo. but at least i can draw again at last. ive never spent so long not wanting to draw. it was terrible#my job search lasted 4 days before i secured a position at target but i dont start until the 26th so im drifting until then#it feels so weird. like i dunno. i keep thinking abt jobs in a weird way now bc i just sorta drifted into what i do#weird academic stuff but i think most jobs arent like being a grad student and that never really occured to me#i dunno why. i could have done so many things but here i am. an ecologist mostly. i dunno. well see what the summer brings#maybe ill grow some social skills. its sorta weird but like the medication has made my head less terrible with intrusive thoughts. like i#can actually drive my car without hyperventilating which is fucking wild. so Maybe ill grow some confidence abt interacting with the world#going back in the fall still seems impossible rn but so does starting a job somewhere else. but i dunno#not where i expected to be in my life. im just lucky i dont have to worry much abt money#especially bc i got an ultrasound done so they cold make sure something wasnt wrong with my uterus#and its fine. guess it just hates me but that means i spent like 350 dollars for a 10min scan that showed nothing#ay. the us medical system#anyway. i guess ill continue drifting until the 26th#probably i should find something to do. or work on my old unpublished data#unrelated
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Im gonna kill my boss (yell at them in my head but also on mute i have a headache)
#every month i have to convince my self not to quit work#only because its impossible to find another job right now#my boss she just yapps and yapps and yapps when im asking about a specific thing#me: whats the deadline? boss: yappy yappy a story the client told her me: boss the deadline? her: yapping on about how.she values her#customers and want to provide only good service to them so i have to live up to that#me who has been working here for over 2 years and has never provided anything less: the deadline boss...#SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPP#i wish for once people would stop talking at me and judt answer my questions precisely and stop wasting my time
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I documented 700 important-to-me tiktoks before the ban. Which started an hour and a half earlier than it was supposed to. But I did it
#it speaks#idk. unrelated to that i think despite amazing pay and lovely managers i think my new job might be bad for me#i dont have anything to do other than run 1 report and 'write'(read: copy paste) minutes for 2 short meetings#and at my last job i was like. constantly doing something or other. never particularly rushed or on an impossible or even hard to hit time#but doing nothing. idk. i dont like it. but its only my first week so hopefully ill get trained on nore soon#but i find i cant like. cook for myself or make myself eat and im scared of my friends again#and i mean im always scared of my friends but worse than baseline.#and its definitely made worse by being hungry lol#and if i dont get very much more to do ig i can just focus on schoolwork#i dont think ive talked to a person face to face outside of work or school in three weeks which alsso. probably isnt helping.#but i need my car to limp along for two more weeks till i can get a different one#(either the timing chain or the transmission is going and both of those on my car are a total engine rebuild)#(and also i hate it)#(so)#but i cant like. go see people toll thats taken care of#nushkis been happy tho im re-teaching her touch and trying to work on standing markers with her
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#i wanna work around kids again so badly#seeing my cousin today just really solidified how much i love kids#and yet i know i cant go back because i so severely doubt i will find a place that could accommodate me#i dont wanna have daily shutdowns because im getting stuck out of ratio with no help#but i miss those kids so much#i wanna go help and nurture#and i know its something im made for#any career aptitude test i take has childcare in top 5#it just feels like another thing that has been robbed of me because of my disabilities#not that anyone in my life would admit that i have any#why does it feel like everything i love is impossible because im broken#i love baking and the fiid industry but it takes so much out if me that sometimes i wonder if its even a viable plan#everything is so exhausting and yet i just have to keep miving and burning out and getting denied because im wrong#because there is something so wrong with me that people grow ti hate me and will hate and use me because im just a tool#thats all i am#and tools dint get decisions on what job they wanna do or responsibilities they can handle or whi they wanna be#they just get used and used and used until they break and then they are thrown away#are the cracks visible yet?#i dont wanna be useless#i just want to do what i love#is that too much to ask for
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anyway ppl who are gonna be like "im moving to canada!!!!" after this election uhhh. well i wouldn't recommend it lol
#things are actually considerably worse here than they are in america we just have a liberal government bcuz there hasn't been an election#literally almost anywhere on earth would be better than canada 😭 and trust me if canadians dont even wanna live here#(and we DONT) you definitely do not#also it would be impossible anyway bcuz canada has a very strict immigration system and doesn't allow disabled people to immigrant here Ever#including ppl with like. depression or whatever im sure#if you have ever been diagnosed with anything sorry its too late. maybe try portugal or smth#you also 1. will not be able to find housing 2. won't be able to find a job 3. will not be able to afford anything including groceries#and everyone will fucking hate you and be passive aggressive about it. it would be ur personal hell and trust me i know this bcuz#I LIVE HERE AND IT SUCKS#txt
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the other day i found out that ghost stories was not. originally a flop and in fact was really successful in japan when it first aired so there was literally no reason for the english dub to be Like That.
#this is a level of like. world shattering revelation that i dont often experience in my adult life. like WHAT#WHY DID THEY DUB IT LIKE THAT THEN. i mean i looked into it a lot and all i can find is that the adr lead is. deranged.#like a real doug walker type of guy who i guess just gets unprecedented levels of control on his dubs apparently. whadda hale.#avpost#the only other explanation i could find is that ghost stories is so deeply based on a lot of yokai background knowledge that#maybe the studio thought it would be impossible to bridge the culture gap for americans#but thats just smth people speculated on reddit theres no indication from any official source that that was the case#its mostly just that the guy running the dub is a south park brainrot weirdo with an obscene ego and no respect for other creators.#so he'll be like yeah my dubs are inaccurate teehee i made your show better w my epic funny meme guy brain.#elon musk -core dude omfg.#hes doing the thing that makes me fucking insane where management in entertainment brags about being bad at their jobs#like lol my job is to make a faithful localization and i take pride in doing that badly :-) ok. well its your job so stop doing that.
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Just remembered arlong was in my dream last night for some reason
#wowoowowowoooowowo great job asshole im still not making up you stay in the exes box.#i wish i could tell you why i find him hot but its utterly impossible. i have NO idea.#📡 incoming transmission 📡
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Dean's Commissions
Welp, the job hunt is absolutely screwing me over and I am currently hemorrhaging money. I'm moving soon and starting college so I need to save up more money and, well, the job market is fucked so time for a Commission post again!
I love drawing d&d characters, colorful posters, horror and creatures galore! You can find my Commission Information here!
8/8 slots are open!
Reblogs greatly appreciated. 💙💙
#art#art commissions#commissions#artists on tumblr#digital art#my art#my work#emergency commissions#I hate to have to do this again so soon#but I cant find a job#and I need money#ive applied everywhere but alongside having chronic pain and autism its been downright impossible#that and the job market being in fucking shambles
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thinking of making art my full time job and getting overwhelmed
#its technically very doable for me#so long as I draw very few things for a very high price#but I know that its impossible to find people who would be willing to pay like 500 per art per month#and I dont know if it would be stable enough for me to live off of#but god I hate my job#and god I want more time to just do Art#and Live#ya know?#idk#thinking about it might do it might pull the trigger piglet but I need to know that it's actually doable#that its actually sustainable
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my favourite side episode that ive been planning for 5ever is the team gets invited to a fancy ball and aja gets a handmade gown for it and feels really Normal about all this
#theres more to it but thats the relevant part#basically this is a s2 episode so after shes died and come back and hutch is really insistent that aja has to put effort into making friends#outside of them. because they know she doesnt really have anyone else. and they really only made it through losing her because they had#people in their corner to help and be supportive. and she doesnt because she doesnt. like people or want anyone else#so they get these invites to this gala and hutch is like nah i dont wanna go. find someone to give my ticket to and have a good time#basically forcing her to go without her safety blanket yk#and she doesnt know who to ask and the whole episode is over the prep week for this while shes getting measured for the dress and#its getting made and fitted and whatever. and the costume girl whos been a side character the whole time but aj has never really paid much#attention to is SO excited to make this fancy dress and will hold aj in there for hours just to make sure its perfect#and at some point after a convo with hutch aj realizes she doesnt. listen when other people speak to her. and actually sits down to listen#to what seffie has to say and actually talk to her. and she talks about growing up watching princesses and celebrities on tv and being poor#and wanting more than anything to look like a princess on a red carpet like that and then does some like haha well at least i get to do my#job! and youll look beautiful! and aj is like. well actually. i have a ticket.#and thats the episode its mostly just about aja learning that other people DO understand her and she CAN relate to them#things she has convinced herself are impossible#and then it has the bonus of these two girls who never get to feel beautiful get to play dressup and go to a fancy party and enjoy each#others company. its kind of a filler episode but i love it#🌟
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You know I thought for awhile that I was just a rare type of person who sure, liked people well enough but was okay being alone didn't necessarily need anyone and NO. NO. NO. OH MY GOD . YOU GIANT DUMBASS. NO HAHAHA NOOO NOPE
#tide of consciousness#See what was confusing me is usually when people talk about life partner they mean romantically sexually#And also I have yet to meet someone who gets me in the way I want someone to get me <- I think <- good chance I have and squandered it#<- that may be the evil brain talking though#But anyway so I was misconstruing the fact that the people I know and like currently are not people I want to spend my life with#With the idea that there is no one and no chance I will ever want that#And also heteronormative allo society despite my best efforts Is in my brain#And I'm only just realizing how badly I would really like to find a person or maybe people who do make me feel like. I could want that#The idea that there could be someone out there that I would want to spend my time and space with forever is mind blowing#Because honestly and this is of course the mental illness but I have kind of been under the assumption that maybe I am just like. Weeell#Evil and broken and cruel and selfish and HAHA. you know. The usual#Because you know only recently I got my first taste of 'a person is actively choosing you and wants you over all things'#And then I fucked that up because that was my first time believing anyone could care about me and you know you always fuck that one up#And that sucked and is still in the process of sucking but it has also made me realize#That there is actually a way that I would want that. Maybe#Like in a way that worked. I'd really like to have a person like that maybe#And honestly that's a nightmare to have to realize#Because before it was like hey! I guess I just don't have to worry about that!#And now I'm like FUCK. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS#because special secret I've never actively tried to connect to people in my life ever#I don't know how you do that! I don't know how to actively form relationships!#I just wait for someone to grab me and pull me along! It's terrifying to think about trying to discover that#AT 20!#I know it's not unusual especially in this day and age in fact it's kind of an epidemic#But you're supposed to learn how to socialize when you're a little tiny baby!!! I don't want to figure this out now I can't even get a job!#Fucking shit that's a lot of words um#Every 6 months I remember that I'm deeply deeply deeply lonely and it's the worst and then I wilfully ignore it until I rediscover it again#Every day I discover a new layer to how utterly wretchedly self loathing my brain is and its the worst#Peeling back a layer of paint and surprise! You've subconsciously thought you were fine being alone because secretly you believe#That it is impossible for you to be anything but alone! Yay!
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im so not gonna work here next summer lol
#bitch just came up to me and tried to talk it down like i just misunderstood and bla bla bla its just to harrrrdddd to find someone else for#three to four days a month and we need a different system next year bla bla bla#okay fuck you then. im so sick of this job already and this was just the cherry on top im not gonna work here next summer#like. i like the JOB but working under that woman is just fucking impossible
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#whats so disturbing. mostly bc i used to be so content being independent#is that whenever im somewhere. be it alone. or with other ppl. i always wish he was with me NXJZJZJZMMZMZMZZMMZ#LIKE THAT IS SO........... XJJZJKZKZKZK GOD#i went to like. a market today n the whole time i was like... man itd have been so fun if he was here ..... JDJSJZJZM GOD#i have it so bad#but i was always like. if i find someone i like hangjng out with more than i like being by myself... obvi thats the person for me#but when i said that. i kind of assumed that was an Impossibility but oh the turn tables JJXJXJXMXJZJZM#n e way. its just me writing another lovesick post JDJDMJDJDJDJS#personal#im getting close to making a move i think. but kind of want to settle in my job first. and like jddjddjjkdk he Knows i just got one after#looking for a long time so i think hes like. understanding that we havent seen each other Njdjdjz LOL IDK. im just assuming#we have talked consistently every week tho since i last saw him. which is pretty good for us tbh#idk i like that we dont have to talk all the time. i always hated when guys message constantly JDNDJDNZNDN like leave me alone i have a life#JDJDJDJSJZMZ#but yeah... im not worried anymore nor do i feel the need to constantly validate whether he likes me or not. i think at this point its...#clear JDJDJDJJDKXKXJX#WATCH ME BE WRONG LMAO GOD.#ah well... things will turn out how they turn out
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